#but at the same time this was clearly symbolic of all my classmates and just the idea of having peers whod talk to me

[playingonedchess]

what the fuck why on earth did i come up with that

[theamityelf]

So I saw your danganronpa hunger games au and I’m thinking how would makoto and Mukuro alliance start as well as how makoto saves her also I personally would like makoto to have killed at least two people also maybe everyone reaction to makoto and mukuro and would they be advertised as lovers or would junko step in and steal makoto for herself for ruining her game

That's a great question. Thank you for asking.

(Here's the Masterlist to all my Danganronpa Crossover AU's.)

(There's no graceful place for me to mention this in the post itself, but just for continuity with my previous posts, Junko is still a Caesar Flickerman figure in this AU and still Mukuro's sister, which they're both aware of. This could make the interviews interesting, but this post isn't going to go into it; we're focusing on the Makoto-Mukuro plot.)

So, Mukuro and Makoto are victors in the same year.

She's from 2, he's from...I'm going to say 8. The textiles district. (Not one of the wealthier or favored ones.) Him being associated with sewing is cool, since it can be treated as a symbolic reflection of how he's uniting the Districts. (Also, District 8 is very industrial and doesn't have much nature, so he gets to be awestruck by nature when he does see it.)

They meet in the Training Center.

She isolates herself from the other Careers, because she's read the situation well enough to know that they will kill her first once it comes time for the alliance to break. She can protect herself, so she just decides to do that. She keeps to herself in the Training Center, but Makoto is kind to her in a way she isn't used to.

She trains in the survival tasks, like starting a fire and filtering water (since she doesn't need weapon training), and often he's the only one there when she does. He passes her the training materials like he doesn't know they're enemies.

"I'm not going to be your ally," she says preemptively. Even if she wanted allies, he is clearly the only one who would benefit in that arrangement. What can this shrimp protect her from? What sponsors will he attract? He's not even all that good at filtering water.

"Oh, that's fine," he replies. "I'd...honestly rather not think about that stuff right now anyway. We can just look at it like we're classmates, right? We're learning together. It's like school, for now. That's...how I'm trying to think about it, anyway. Maybe that's kind of..."

"Does pretending you're in a different situation help you sleep at night?"

"I don't think I'm pretending. I don't forget what's going to happen. I just...try to remember that everyone here would rather not be."

"That's naive. They'll cheer when they kill you."

"If they could decide between being here and being at home, I think this room would be empty."

"What difference does that make?"

"I don't know. For me, it just...does."

He's nice. He seems like a nice kid. Which is why he'll die. Too nice. Mukuro isn't nice. She's awful enough to survive. She tries to put him out of her mind, but his friendly smile keeps invading her thoughts. Even making her blush.

Her determination to win doesn't know what to do with this feeling. The best she can do is hope that he dies painlessly. A slit throat, a quick shot through the eye. Hopefully on the first day, so he won't have time to lose that sunny outlook.

It crosses her mind that it might be her responsibility to kill him. If she doesn't kill him at the Cornucopia, he could die in any number of horrible, painful ways. (Try to drink from an acid river and burn from the inside out. Infected wound. Hunger. Thirst.) It would be a waste of time, for her; killing him would leave her vulnerable to attack from one of the actual threats. But she feels like it might be worth it. Giving him a kind death might help her to live with herself, once everything is over. She can imagine they're still friends, that her mercy has repaid his smiles...

She would have gone through with it. In the arena, as soon as the Games start, she gets her hands on a set of throwing knives and a spear. She sees him at the other side of the clearing. He's gotten his hands on a water canteen. He looks like a frightened little rabbit.

Her throat feels tight all of a sudden.

But she throws her knife.

It would have killed him instantly, but suddenly someone grapples with him for his canteen, and the blade misses him. He's able to get away, and Mukuro has to focus on the real threats, now.

She feels a weird mix of shame and relief.

It's days later next time she sees him. (Each night, she's surprised not to see his face in the sky, announcing his death. He must have found a great hiding place.)

She's been keeping to herself, killing whoever crosses her path, staying alive. She plans to avoid the Careers until they've started turning on each other, unless she can find a way to catch them unawares.

(I just deleted a couple of paragraphs because I had introduced a plot element and then wasn't sure whether it made things Too Emotionally Complicated, so maybe it'll come back later, but for now I'm just going to keep going with the vague statement that other stuff happens between the previous paragraph and the next.)

Eventually, Mukuro does run afoul of the other Careers. She gets injured but escapes with her life. She seeks refuge in a cave, and by the time she notices that someone else's stuff is already there, she's sitting down and can't get back up without aggravating her injuries and possibly passing out.

Makoto returns to the cave (because it was his stuff left there, because it's been his spot for a while now). He has weapons, and Mukuro is almost unconscious at that point, but he doesn't kill her. He just sits on the opposite side of the cave. He's eating his food when Mukuro loses consciousness. When she wakes up, he's left some food near her and he's sleeping, himself.

She doesn't eat the food. Either it's poison or it's a debt she doesn't need. Instead, she rifles through his bag and finds bandages and medicine. Which means either that this guy actually has sponsors somehow, or he got the supplies off a corpse. Has he killed?

Mukuro tries to imagine it, while she bandages up her injuries. Strangely, the thought of him dirtying his hands doesn't taint her image of him. The tribute who smiled at her, who pretended they were classmates, who dared to sleep four feet away from her in the middle of the Games as if he had any reason to believe his mercy would be returned in kind...

She wants to know if he's killed. Who. How many. Under what circumstances. Did it upset him? Did he celebrate?

Curiosity is so, so much more dangerous than fondness. Fondness can be channeled into killing, if the right justification is found. Curiosity?

Makoto's eyes open, and he startles back, bumping his head against the wall of the cave, at the sight of Mukuro sitting right next to him, watching him sleep.

(This isn't one of my yandere posts, I promise.)

"Sorry," she says, blushing. "I...thought you might have stopped breathing." The lie sounds not the slightest bit convincing, but fortunately he seems to be distracted from the fact that she was watching him sleep...by the fact that she stole medicine and bandages from his bag.

He doesn't look angry about it. When his gaze lands on her treated injuries, he merely says, "You look a lot better than before."

"Thank you," she says, like he's actually complimenting her looks and not just politely observing that she stole his supplies.

"I'm glad you made it this long. I was...checking the sky for you."

She blushes bright red. "You were? I mean, I...I was surprised you hadn't been killed yet."

And she's back to thinking that maybe the kindest thing she can do for him is kill him quickly, but instead the conversation keeps going, and eventually she has him eat the food he left for her, meaning she discovers it wasn't poisoned.

And that's basically the start of the alliance.

Unlike in The Hunger Games, their mentors are not going to try to play the star-crossed lovers card at all; inter-District solidarity is way too taboo. The shipping happens despite the mentors trying to treat their connection as purely pragmatic.

And honestly, Junko might be a major force in pushing the romance, because like I said, she is so bored with the Hunger Games.

[puella-1n-somn10]

Sophocles; the Miracle Child of Melemele

Total word count: 2,096

This was supposed to be a brief analysis post regarding his parents alone, but, admittedly, I got carried away whilst writing all this down. Sincere apologies for those waiting on the Meguca!Penny megapost and analysis of the families present within the Sun and Moon anime; I will do my absolute best to bring both of them on the table as soon as I am able to. This has been, let's say, a fun little writing exercise that got way out of hand- but I am happy to confess that I did have my fun writing it all down, and do hope that you guys also enjoy what I have brought in- consider it a sort of a snack made to prepare you all for the next meal!

So, starting from the very top, I have noticed that a couple of the parents' designs within the SM season of PokeAni do correlate with some NPC models present in-game for quite some time now; specifically with Abe/Mallow's father and Sophocles' parents. In the former's case, he's clearly based on the chef class; just slightly tweaked and redesigned to make him resemble his two kids, which was surprisingly effective enough to give us a simple yet unique design that helps him stand out. Meanwhile, with the latter, they're based on the madame and gentleman classes respectively- down to the minute detail of both the father and said gentleman class possessing a grey watch on both of their left arms.

It really isn't a surprise seeing how these inspirations work in their favors not just design-wise, but also within the narrative; Abe is already present in the games donning the exact same NPC model, and it has been all but outright confirmed to us that Sophocles' family is of high societal status - with both Molayne operating Hokulani Observatory and the father being the VP of the tourism board -. These designs and their inspirations help them fit in to their roles seamlessly and perfectly; giving the impressions of who they are to the viewer and their respective without the need to state their purposes to us outright.

What caught my eye for quite some time, though, is that it does appear to us that Soffy's folks are quite, let's say, quite old when compared to the other parents present within the show; not just in appearance, but it's also clear to us through their mannerisms - with the both of them having this polite, old-timey, and jolly vibe they tend to carry wherever they went -. A rather innocuous detail to fuss over, but it is one that would throw a wrench at whatever timeline one might be working on once you take Sophocles himself into account; how he appears to be so young, especially with the rest of his classmates already being in their early teens and himself being at least 11 years of age in comparison.

While I could see that the writers didn't really think too hard on it, I personally believe that this little detail right here might provide more insight into Sophocles' upbringing and why his old folks are doing their damned best to provide for and help nurture him in the best way they could. As a matter of fact, I have half a mind to say that, alongside Kiawe's and Lana's families, Sophocles' might be one the healthiest family dynamics we have seen throughout the Sun and Moon seasons of the anime, and, by golly, I am really excited to explore their interactions and the core reason behind it all in as much detail as I could.

After pondering on the topic for a while, I've managed to muster up two little theories that might help bring everything together and provide more insight into Sophocles and his folks as their own characters. Bear in mind that, aside from the analysis of certain context queues and symbolic references, neither of the following proposals are anywhere near canon; they're merely nothing but my own 11 AM ramblings on a Sunday, but it is fun to speculate and place those three goobers under a microscope! These are simply my interpretations of the events that have lead up to the present day and the characters we are currently discussing, and if you guys have other proposals behind this you want to share, I highly encourage you to do so! We are here to inspect these characters through various lenses and perspectives, so the more interpretations, the better!

The first, and most possible, reason behind all this is that the two met during later stages of their lives; the both of them already having more than enough experience to not just create a healthy relationship between one another, but also grant their eventual future child a prosperous and loving home life where he could grow up into a promising young man- with his own skills and experiences evolving with him in-tow. This scenario would not only paint the both of them in a wiser light than what we've seen throughout their appearances within the episodes they're present in, but it also boosts speculation on who they are before they both met and eventually had their kid; what sort of achievements they have personally accomplished, what they've gone through to become the people they currently are, the circumstances of their own upbringings to begin with- all of these and more are essential building blocks to a person's overall character and how they view the world. After all, though they have their similarities, the differences between the two are almost night and day- and I hope I could bring said key differences to light soon! They, alongside the other parents of the main cast, deserve an analysis post of their own, and I hope I could share my speculations and findings with you all soon enough!

The second possibility, though, teeters more on the speculative and even symbolic angle, but still manages to fit like a well-placed jigsaw piece on a puzzle board. I should give you all the heads-up, though- it's best that you take a good look at the trigger warnings present within the tags before proceeding here; if what we're about to discuss is triggering to you in any way, shape, or form, click away now for the sake of your own health. I apologize for the inconvenience, but, once more, one must place the health of the reader in a higher regards over their creative projects. Please be safe, darlings.

What I am about to suggest next is that...in gentler terms, Sophocles was the child they have managed to conceive after such a stretch of time- after countless trials and tribulations. The toll of trying and failing to conceive throughout the years may have managed to take its toll on the both of them, but now look- the duo have finally managed to bring forth their little miracle into existence. They have given their all so that they could have their sweet little child in their arms, and now he's here; happy, healthy, and breathing.

This is a...rather grim scenario, but it's also one that makes a shocking amount of sense; after all, Sophocles is usually associated with either of the two symbols within the overarching story- lightning (which is to be expected, as he is an electric type specialist) and stars; the latter of which being a common symbol of wishes, especially when in the form of meteors. Heck, when you look at him back when he was a toddler as shown in the episode "Showering the World with Love", you can even tell that his hair at the time looked like a star!

Speaking of, within that same episode, we were also presented with the life cycle of the meteor pokemon, Minior; a species that is destined to one day make an impact on the earth's surface, live out the rest of their brief lives amongst its inhabitants, and float back to the skies as they dissipate into fine particles- marking the end and new beginning of their species' life cycle. It is in that episode where Sophocles had his first encounter with loss, and, according to some, might be where he tackles the root cause of his scotophobia; witnessing a friend he's managed to make at such a young age at the time fade in to the dark with no promise of return- dissipating into the vast nothingness of space peacefully and without a care in the world, for they have long come to terms with their destinies. There was nothing he could have done to change or prevent this, as this was one of the many set rules of nature, if not existence itself.

Once more, I have to repeat myself and state that the possibility of Sophocles being a couple's only success at making their own bundle of joy is shockingly dark- and I wouldn't even blame you for believing that this is way too much for Pokemon to ever portray. However, one most also remember that the topic of grief, as we've already discussed just now, is no stranger to the Pokemon anime, especially within the Sun and Moon seasons. As a matter of fact, one of the many overarching themes present with this set of seasons is, in fact, grief- it is this state of mind and deep sense of sorrow that drives a majority of our characters, whether that's been made obvious to us or not, and it is within these seasons that we learn of the many ways one might handle or even tackle the impact of sudden loss.

Besides, in complete contrast to our first proposal, it is also implied that both his mother and father have been a thing for quite the stretch of time now; from their choice of words and language in the EN dub, to them addressing one another via affectionate nicknames such as "love" and "dear". All that, and that's on top of the father being completely smitten with his wife; taking every opportunity to give her praises all while blushing like mad whenever she compliments him. To me, that's a couple that went through thick and thin via healthy communication, and are cooperating with one another to ensure that they manage to live their lives harmoniously.

"Hang on, didn't he also have an implied celebrity crush on Kahili?" Yeah, well Burnet also had one towards the Masked Royal before she knew he was Kukui- it's ok to find some people attractive or generally good-looking, just don't go out and form romantic relations without the awareness of your partner and cheat on them. :/

All in all- though these scenarios were born from mere speculation, they still stand as a testament to how well these three are written, and how the way they interact with one another grants leeway for fan interpretations and conjectures. While I am bummed by how we didn't get any more of their dynamic in the canon of the anime, I don't think it's time to close the book on them just yet; after all, if Kiawe's grandfather was canonized by the games - specifically in Pokemon Masters EX - years after he made his debut in the anime, then there might be hope for other anime-only characters later down the line.

Personally, I am hoping that they grant us more content in regards to Sophocles' old folks, and the reason behind this is mostly due to the similarities our child of the starts has with none other than Team Galactic's leader, Cyrus. They may share similar strengths, skills, and struggles- heck, it isn't hard to see that, once upon a time, Cyrus may have been in a similar spot as Sophocles back when he was a child, but, in the end, it is their respective upbringings that have molded them into who they currently are; a child who wishes to explore the stars with his partner pokemon, and a man who sought to destroy the entirety of existence by reweaving the fabrics of space-time so that he could rebuild it all in his own image.

To a select few, Sophocles was their little blessing; a bright and peculiar little child, indeed. To those few, he deserved to live his life in harmony and peace- with the opportunity to continue growing and honing his skills in a healthy environment. To those few...I can only hope that they are now glad with all their hearts; he has, indeed, become a talented young man with oh-so much just ahead of him.

Stand proud, Sophocles.

Stand proud...our dearest bundle of happiness, pride, and joy...

[glitchbirds]

started watching the his dark materials tv adaptation earlier this week- something that i had meant to do back in 2019 when it began and never quite got around to. started s3 yesterday so i should get the remaining 7 episodes under my belt within the next few days genuinely it is fascinating to watch an adaptation of a series that i read only once, when i was ten years old, but which left such a profound impression on me that i have consistently cycled back to it for years and years (esp when its such a complex, sprawling fantasy world-or several worlds, really- that its adapting)

as ive mentioned Several times over the years- maybe not on this particular account though-, i was gifted an omnibus copy of all three books in one by my older brother, either for christmas or my birthday i cant remember, sometime before the 2007 movie came out (meaning i had to have been 10 at the absolute oldest when i started reading them, though maybe 11 by the time i finished?). i also very clearly remember The Controversy surrounding them among christians, mainly because of a few comments by classmates but more importantly because my (fourth grade, iirc?) teacher pulled me out of class one day to tell me the book i was reading was sinful and atheist and against god and etc (which made me cry very hard </3 even though she told me i could still read it. this was back when my dad still took me to (catholic) church on a semi-regular basis to appease my grandmother as well as sunday school (run by my older cousins) and at least a year or so before i started to develop a modicum of critical thought towards deep south church teachings. i was petrified of the idea of going to hell and scared to do anything whatsoever to jeopardize my chances) (this did not stop me from reading the book however, because i enjoyed it too much. but i also have a clear memory of reading the book every chance i got w/o paying much attention to what was happening around me and one day realizing that i was reading it while at church service and mentally freaking out that i was doing something sacrilegious and trying to force myself to stop reading. i think i spent about 10 minutes bored out of my mind before i, internally apologetic, went back to reading) luckily my parents seemed unaware or unphased by the fearmongering- i assume my mother never noticed, or this was before she started to become insane from fox news poisoning; my dad i think brought it up briefly because of a flyer he saw but wasnt overly worried about it- because i saw the movie in theaters (i liked it ok; have never seen it since, i want to now though) and also acquired the ds game (tbh i enjoyed it despite it being tie-in garbage and me being v bad at video games as a kid; i never managed to beat it though) and later the wii game (bad </3 never got far into it)

Anywayyyy. again i have never since reread any of the books or read any of the other novellas and the like philip pullman has written set in the same world, though im itching to do that now; and ofc while ive skimmed through wiki articles and the like to refresh my memory on things, my memory of most of the plot points in the books are heavily based on My Perspective As A Ten Year Old Child. i remember the first book the best, a decent amount of subtle knife, and can only recall a few specifics of amber spyglass, and its only now while revisiting the world by watching the tv show that im getting a proper, more well-rounded view of the symbolism and messaging and Authorial Intent(tm) behind the series, because of course a lot of this shit flew right over my stupid little child brain as a kid. once i got to the third book i started to understand, vaguely, why my teacher didnt want me reading this book and why there was a backlash against the movie, but a lot of things that are obvious to me now (and would have been obvious if i read the series just a few years later, really) just did not compute for a 10 y/o. which ofc does not mean that i think its a Bad thing i read them that young but all of ^ that turns watching this series into a mix of "oh i remember that" "oh i know whats coming up" "oh my god i forgot that this is from HDM, this has influenced so many creative projects over the years w/o me even realizing it" "oh they skipped over it but i know in the books there was a scene here that i loved and that has stuck with me forever" "i dont remember this from the books but it extrapolates perfectly from what i remember about these characters" "oh my god was the symbolism here really that obvious and i still didnt pick up on it" etc etc etc ANYWAYYYY. my actual review of the tv series so far: -season 1 in particular is sorely lacking in how it portrays daemons and it made me increasingly sad. daemons were without a doubt my favorite thing from these books and one of my favorite things in a work of fantasy Ever to the point where over the years i have Repeatedly decided to sit down and spend a ridiculous amount of time painstakingly plotting out what daemon i think (x) character from (x) piece of media i enjoy, would have. many of which are still committed to memory. i fucking love daemons as a concept and i wish this shit was public domain so any piece of fiction i write could utilize them forever. i get budget issues exist or w/e but whyyyy would you adapt a series where every character in a world would have a cgi animal with them at all times if you couldnt actually show those cgi animals in more than a handful of scenes per episode and only for (some) major characters and only if they had a speaking role in that scene and also occasionally just have them teleport instead of showing them walking from one room to the next and also crowd shots are fucking barren. its like watching a live action pkmn tv show where pokemon are onscreen for a combined 5-10 minutes out of 60 minute episodes. s2 is a bit better about it but it also spends significantly more time in other worlds where daemons arent visible so ig its easier to budget in more daemons in scenes that take place in lyras world. no idea about s3 yet though ofc the mulefa are coming so We'll See how they handle the cg there

-i do think the cg animal animation looks good though. like its not "i believe there is an actual snow leopard in the room" photorealism but not only is that something i do not particularly care about, i think daemons looking a little unreal is actually perfect. they are physical manifestation of human souls and are in-universe immediately distinguishable from identical animals of the same species... it works

-s2 in general is a significant improvement on s1 not just in the daemons but in the overall pacing and character exploration imo; which is surprising considering its the season cut short from covid lockdown; and also a bit sad since, again, most of what i remember is from the first book and thus many of my fondest memories of the books were things that were either skimmed over in the first season or cut out entirely </3 ALAS.

-iorek and iofurs fight didnt go as hard as it shouldve </3 they didnt even show iorek ripping iofur's jaw off... he was killed in the blurry bg behind lyra. how are you gonna let the 2007 pg-13 movie kick more ass at talking armored polar bears fighting to the death

-am i crazy or is the alethiometer just not used much in the tv series compared to the book... maybe the movie+games clouded my memory, or maybe its the fact that in the show there's rarely any elaboration as to what the symbols could mean or which symbols lyra is using for her questions/what she's interpreting. almost every scene of it being used blurs together and i wouldnt be shocked if some show-only fans think its a stupid plot device with no rhyme or reason behind the symbols, when imo i think you can at least roughly intuit many of the meanings, though obviously not to the extent that a reader could interpret full accurate sentences

-some really really strong casting for like 99% of the roles in this show, i love most of the changes theyve made from the books wrt to casting decisions, my only significant gripe is of course. why did you have to do lee scorseby like that. i loved lee a lot. i remembered him so fondly. why'd you have to give lin manuel miranda that one. just absolutely devastating to me personally (though the choice to have andrew scott as will's father was v funny to me because lin manuel miranda and moriarty from bbc sherlock hanging out together for a huge chunk of s2 has to have appealed massively to a very particular subset of tumblrina)

-again i read these books when i was 10 so the concept of "characters can be bad people but also really well written and enjoyable to spectate" hadnt really settled in my mind yet so i really have no idea if this fully applies to the book version of her but oh my godddd i love mrs coulter in this series. yes she kidnaps children and rips their souls apart from them yes she drugs her own daughter and holds her captive yes she murders people indiscriminately without remorse etc. and she rules <3

-similarly the changes theyve made to the golden monkey are Fascinating...

-i loved lyra and pan with my whole heart when i was her age and it is really :,) to now be fully an adult and see her again. waughh. i love how almost everyone she meets loves her too (i will not stand for ppl watering it down to found family fanfiction tropes. but She Is So Loved.)

-i think its cool that boreal went from being a fairly minor character in the books to one of the main antagonists for a hot minute. he was fun :)

-i dont remember having strong feelings about mary malone as a kid but i really like her here. i havent gotten to this point in the show yet but im aware they tweaked her backstory to make her a lesbian as well, which is just delightful to me

-will's relationship w/ his mother and particularly the way the book describes her mental illness from will's perspective was so, So important to me as a kid and the thing i remembered best from subtle knife, and i wish the show had dwelled on it a liiiittle more? in particular, the bit where will thinks about when he first realized something was up and his mother wasnt just playing a "game" with him and was actually terrified of a nonexistent threat, when he was seven and they were shopping for groceries, and how he realized then and there that he needed to take care of her and protect her- that stuck w/ me very strongly as a kid and i wish the show had found a way for will to talk about it with lyra, there were a couple points where i thought he was going to bring it up. maybe this season??

fun fact i started writing this post at like 10 last night. i gotta put a stop this rn

[kawaii-mxllow]

ᯤ     𓈒     vent pt. 1   🍬   ᰋ      ݁      ੭

(symbol not mine)

soo there’s this person whose very existence has been bothering me for a long while

doubt anyone would find this (which is a good thing) but anyway for privacy reasons we’ll call her kaida, no offense to those who have that name of course

my childhood memory

kaida has been my classmate since kindergarten. i was sensitive and shy, and cried a lot so i doubt i had many friends which wasn’t much of an issue since i preferred being alone anyway, i didn’t quite stand up for myself at that time lmao. but for a 3 yo kid, kaida was a fucking cunt and a bully to those around of her (fun fact: i asked a younger student and apparently she stole candy from him?!?!?)

from what i remember, i avoided kaida as much as i could, though we were on the same school bus and she kept talking to her friend (forgot her name)

i don’t remember much about her since we didn’t interact much, but one of the most vivid memories were her telling me to sit with her and she gave me a piece of candy, but then we barely talked (this memory was so unforgettable to the point i remember what we talked about)

talk about lunchbox friends. /ref

the other memory of her was her calling me an idiot, which is pretty vulgar in our language especially for 5 yos. i don’t remember how i reacted, but i’m pretty sure i looked away and probably was close to crying. i’m pretty sure i took whatever she said to heart

current

before substitute

this section is the present, or mainly things kaida did not too long ago

after years of not interacting, kaida got assigned to my class and boy was it a fucking disaster. the first week, i kept hoping ‘she probably changed!’ or ‘maybe she’s more mature now?’ turns out, that never happened. growth happened, but that didn’t make her nicer or more mature - it made her worse.

for the whole year, i’ve been struggling with mental health and kaida being in my class made it worse since we were stuck with basically the same people for the school year. (sucks to be in my country i guess LMAO)

the first semester kicked off pretty well, i socialized with people and met new friends. i was praying i could avoid kaida since she was already stirring up trouble occasionally for the first few months. a lot of us kinda agreed that no one liked kaida at all

it genuinely wasn’t so bad until i got assigned to her group for activity class, basically we get parted into groups of 4-5 people and went to different activity rooms and such. as i recalled, we had a debate class for our activity and she made me cry a lot

i know it sounds super lame, but i’m just really touchy and she made me feel so bad, like i was trying to ask the teacher to turn off the air con and she straight up made me feel like what i asked was unreasonable??

anyway, she kept doing all these yoga ass positions and it was pretty distracting and irritating tbh, i hated snitching but had to after a bit. kind of regretted sitting behind her and my group members and i had to find all these weird ways to avoid kaida in the next bunch of activity lessons.

substitute arrival

oh boy, here comes the substitute - where everything terrible happens. again for privacy reasons i’ll be calling her ms c and she was also a little asshole

kaida felt bitchy and kept dissing the teacher and told on us constantly, so each day ms c shouted at us during class, victimizing herself. genuinely none of us liked it, and kaida clearly hated her scolding sessions too. and yet she kept on telling and telling and doing the shittiest things too herself

it didn’t make much sense either but i’m just really sick of her, i’m so glad she’s not in my class anymore

[mysticdragon3md3]

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6:14 AM 4/26/2023

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I still like to read El's fatal flaw as her unrelenting Resolve. The same ideal that's advocated by so much Shonen Manga and anime in general, shows off it's negative, flip side in FE3H through her. As I've said before, she never doubts herself, but that also means she never checks herself. She is always moving forward, unquestioning her path. In my opinion, it's also why she neither seriously considers changing her overall strategy, nor questioning the costs/"ends justifying the means". She laments the costs of her path, but she never lets it change her---which I think is the big difference between Dimitri's past of "villainous deeds" vs her past/present of villainy. (She's the villain of 3 out of 4 routes, the character designers put horns on her head and dressed her all in red like a devil, and then named her house "black" like darkness even though her house color is clearly red. FE3H did a lot to hint she's the villain. But that doesn't mean she still can't be the hero of her own story, and I think the FE3H devs honestly wanted that too.) I think it's symbolic that at the end of Azure Moon, she tries to kill Dimitri with the dagger that he had given her once in their childhood, which she says encouraged her to move forward, and a second time as adults, while Dimitri told her to use it to cut her own path. At the end of Azure Moon, El is defeated and Dimitri offers her a truce. But she is so myopically focused on her predetermined path, that she brings out the dagger that symbolizes her moving forward with her plans, no matter who/what she has to cut through or at what costs. And she uses it to try to kill Dimitri, because she honestly thinks she can still win. She can't see any other path for herself, besides the one where she wins thru force and conquest. But as admirable as Determination and Resolve are, in and of themselves, she demonstrates their tragic aspects by not even considering the alternate path of cooperation and drastically changing her strategy.

It's kind of ironic that she is so tied to her predetermined path of solving all of Foldan's problems through conquest, even if that path was determined by herself. Because she has so many moments where she almost sighs forlornly up at the sky, like at Gronder, and simply moves forward saying "And so we fight on", as if she's so sad about fighting all her old classmates, but helpless to stop it---or worse, willing to push down and ignore those feelings of dissonance and compassion, in order to make their deaths acceptable costs. And that latter is supposed to be "strength"??? El demonstrates a lot of good questions that the writers probably want us to ask, but blindly following her like she "did nothing wrong" deprives people from those productive questions. As I understand it, she has many moments throughout her route, of feeling bad for what she "must" do. But for all her "strength" in following her Determination and Resolve, she seems more helpless against it and powerless because of it. The ironic thing being that it is within her own power at any time to stop the war, cooperate instead, and/or pinpoint her attacks onto specific problematic authority figures (whether Rhea, the Agarthans, or those Faerghus nobility she mentioned, I think in 3Hopes, who were too tied to the Church). But instead, she is helpless against a predetermined path of her own making…knowingly, because she thinks it gives her strength.

(Not to bring up Sengoku Basara 2009-2011 again, but… This is just like Toyotomi Hideyoshi, thinking he has to prove his Resolve to himself, and thus his commitment to becoming "stronger" or his Resolve in being "strong", by killing the person he loved the most. As if killing those you care about are proof to yourself that you can achieve Resolve and walk a path towards "strength". But is it really Strength when you're killing off your compassion towards others? Making calculations weighing some lives as worth the nebulous "better future world" you're still speculating to make?)

Anyway, another thing I thought interesting was how each of the 3 main lords seem to represent different paths by contrasting each other.

People often say they don't understand the point of the Golden Deer, as if Claude's route seems too unrelated to the personal drama between Dimitri and El. But I think Claude was a vital contrast to El. Not only was he someone who was shown in his Supports to question himself, when confronted with being wrong, immediately pivoted to fix his flaws, but also when confronted with his blind spots, he took them in earnestly and head on. He is not someone who only finds Strength in rigid Resolve, but also in flexibility and adaptability. He also constantly reminds us that there are better ways than war to get even the dirty jobs done. I find it so strange that we have one lord, El, who acts like war/conquest is the only solution, while we have a prominent lord character, frequently reminding us that poisoning, subterfuge, and manipulation ARE A THING. To paraphrase an old ninja saying, a general killed in his bed in his sleep, is just as dead, as if you had sent hundreds of your soldiers to die on the battlefield, trying to take the general down. It is continuously ironic to me that El worked with subterfuge practitioners like Hubert and the Agarthans, and yet she is too set in her ways to consider making full use of such tactics.

The 3 main lords tell 3 different types of stories, which are made more interesting in how they clash and contrast with each other. El is on the anti-hero path in her route and the villain path in 3 other routes. She is in a tragedy story, because she refuses to acknowledge or change her flaws; she does not change/Grow. Dimitri is on a more typical hero or anti-hero route. He has a fall and does a lot of terrible things for a long time, but we witness his journey through that, towards repentance and redemption. He CHANGES and is the one forever bringing up his commitment to change and repentance. Claude on the other hand is on more a paragon story. He has already done almost all his Growth before the main story even starts. By the time he reaches Fodlan, he has already settled into an ideal of turning his tragic experiences into fuel for constructive change in himself and compassion extended outward to others, while not letting his past bog him down into sadness or obsession. And his plans to extend his compassion outward, also takes into consideration, respecting others' differences and accepting the hard work it would take to persuade dissenters without always resorting to violent force. He is already mature enough to not be looking at only himself and his past trauma, unlike the other 2 main lords. Meanwhile, we experience with Dimitri, his obsession with his past trauma, his reconciliation with his past trauma, and his eventual mature state of mind, focusing his efforts more on others than on his revenge, just like Claude. Meanwhile, El uses it as motivation for all her actions, which could be said to be pretty much revenge against the Church, the Agarthans, her past, the systems of Adrestia, and the whole world. She does all this self-focused mindset and actions, while refusing to acknowledge how she's centering everything in her world around her trauma and in a non-constructive manner towards others, thus still actually making everything about herself and her trauma. Meanwhile, Claude has already looked past his trauma and focuses more on others, and Dimitri's entire story is about his process of working to look past his trauma, to focus on others instead. As someone mentioned once, the majority of Claude's Supports are him offering help to the Golden Deer and solving their problems. Similarly, Dimitri takes on the mantel of king as a responsibility to serve his people, taking it as even more important than whether it's a position he deserves or if his past crimes can ever be redeemed.

I once said of Sengoku Basara 2009-2011's Date Masamune that his infinite Strength came from his heart being externalized outward. He seemed invincible because the thing he cared about most, wasn't obsessing over his past trauma or his own selfish wants---which he demonstrated in episode 1 he was willing to forgo for the sake of others. The thing he cared about the most, were his soldiers, the normal people of Sendai, the normal people of his entire country, who just wanted to live peaceful lives. There are only 2 times in that series when he actually puts his hand to his eyepatch, as if his traumatic lost eye was actually painful to him: When he worried about endangering the lives of his soldiers. A warrior of Strength and maturity, extends their concerns outwards, not centered on themselves. A general, waging wars to prove their own "strength" to themselves, to become "stronger", to avenge their past traumas, all while ignoring how it effects the normal people, who shouldn't have to be soldiers, is not a good leader. Whether Toyotomi Hideyoshi or El.

But since El is all about "the ends justify the means", why not interpret this by her own terms. She's doing all this horror, in order to establish a system that will supposedly be more beneficial for all. And that's where I think the contrast with the other main lords becomes interesting again. Claude is repeatedly said, within the canon text, to have the same goals and interests as El. Yet they contrast in their methods to achieve those goals. In a war story like Fire Emblem, it would be very easy, and often is the case of such stories, to just assume war as the only option. It's how the plot happens for the expected genre. But it's very interesting that we have a 3rd lord like Claude, who comes in to remind us that not only can conflicts be resolved through negotiation, but he is often spoken of (and in 3Hopes, shown) to be actually doing the hard work of negotiation with other authority figures, until he can convince them to his side. The best part being that Claude is flexable enough that we can trust him to be open to compromise, rather than rigid stubbornness in his positions. We've seen him admit mistakes and blind spots in his Support conversations. He knows how to meet conflict with a laugh, then actual practical argument points (see his Support with Lorenz), as well as pivot to integrate what he can learn from those that he has had conflict with. Even with people he conflicts with, Claude is always smoothing things over and encouraging cooperation. (Not just in his Lorenz support, but also in his Fire Emblem Heroes conversations with El. He is always luring her in with agreement, but then sliding in a contradictory point to consider, with the least amount of intimidation, until he moves the conversation the way he wants it to go.) Claude demonstrates that El's methods are unnecessary and methods more true to Compassion can achieve the same goals.

(And anyway, as the video essay "Edelgard Will Always Lose" by BOOFIRE191 noted, she is essentially creating the same system and similar problems as Rhea. A pure meritocracy always sounds nice, until you realize it's ignoring needed equity, for twisted versions of equality, while pretending external misfortunes don't exist, as if everyone in misfortune deserves it for not "pulling themselves up by their bootstraps". Or as Dimitri said, "It is the path of the strong, so it can only benefit the strong.")

Anyway, that was too much rambling about my problems with El. I guess I had stuff to get off my chest for a long time. As someone mentioned, Claude's flaw was being too secretive and still having a little more Growth to go, towards being as open to forging bonds with other people, as would have ideally better facilitated cooperation. Maybe some people wouldn't have felt the need to start wars if they were earlier and better made to feel they could collaborate with and trust others. Who knows? And Dimitri's flaw was his obsession with his revenge. We know that; we saw his entire Growth through his story. But that's as even as I'm willing to get about the 3 lords' flaws. I still have more problems with the Emperor, than the other 2 lords.

[htub]

I think what's really most painful to me about Lex's treatment is how much I see myself in him tbh. Putting this baby under a cut to be polite but the last post i reblogged illicited Thoughts and I'm being very autistic about this rn.

I don't wanna get too personal but I also don't actually care so just look. Look. He's just like me fr. This boy's been fucked over constantly from childhood but he's trying, he's trying so hard and so much. And yea, my mother died when I was a kid and left me to be raised by an abusive father, and I got bullied by my classmates, my teachers, even my goddamned therapists that were supposed to help me not make me worse. I swear I'm not trying to make this a sob story, I'm just saying my life was Not Fun, alright? I was just straight up not having a very good time. And one day years ago I just decided this sucks, people suck, and well I want it to be better and for that someone's gotta start. I don't ever want to make anybody feel the way I felt, the way people made me feel, so I'm choosing to do better because this cycle ends with me. So I'm actively trying to treat everyone how I want to be treated, even if they don't do the same, but a lot of times - most of the time - they really do not to the same so it's honestly pretty one-sided and not that peachy. Though thankfully I got no aliens gaslighting me yet, I think. Probably.

Still I'm nowhere near as good as Lex, and my god do I want to be like him, and obviously I also lack the money and influence he has, but I very much try. As much as I hate to admit it, I actually take after my dad a lot, and people even comment on how alike we are when they meet us together, but my dad's an asshole and doing better is a choice. A choice I actively make every day, because it's not how I was raised and not my instinctive behavior. I honestly was raised to be a piece of shit. And it's not always easy, and what I'm trying to say with this incoherent rambling is just, I get it. I get it way too much.

Normally this is why I'm drawn to Superman as a character, because he's got the same goodness I hope to have as well, the same kindness and forgiveness and just love. I'm getting the symbol tattooed on my arm for crying out loud. It's important to me.

But Smallville is really wanting to hurt me in different ways so they're instead giving me someone who's much more like me in backstory and personality and then they're making me watch him get broken into pieces, and there's no happy ending. Knowing there's no happy ending is the worst part. Normally fiction is an escape from reality, but this time it's too realistic, because yep, that's what the world does. It fucks us all over with no mercy, but that's not what I want to see! I want to see this boy be loved! And knowing I won't get that sucks.

And I'm still gonna be the best I can be even if I know the world's definitely headed downhill, because that's the kind of person I want to be, but the hopelessness and despair that comes with watching Lex's character arc is truly a new level of anguish I've received from a damn TV show. Congratulations on that, Smallville. I guess. At whoever was in charge of this, I hope you'll be pleased to know my therapist asks about this damn show every single week, unprompted. He's got it written down in his notes and everything. Probably not the most healthy reaction to a two decades old tv show? But like, I got all the DVDs. I cherish them. I love this show. Don't know if I'll ever actually watch it because it clearly is not good for my mental health but I love it. I hate it too. It just didn't have to go there, you know? That was just low.

[bigalockwood]

The way Simon closes his eyes in the first gif always gets to me. Everyone who says his love for Wille isn’t equally big should rewatch the scene. He’s so clearly trying to keep it together and not show how sad and desperate he feels. The way his arms come up to squeeze him tighter feels very “I don’t want to let you go but I know that if I don’t, I’ll be dismissing my own rights and boundaries and I can’t do that” to me. If he’d been any less strong Simon would’ve carved right then and there and said to Wille that he’d be willing to be in a secret relationship.

And then in the second scene their hug is so much more tender. The first one screams of desperation- Wille clinging on because he knows he’s losing Simon, Simon clinging o because he has to stay strong and say goodbye- but in the second one, although they have just agreed to a secret relationship, they seem like they don’t care much about the possibility of being seen. Which actually isn’t all that low! They are in a school corridor, literally right next to their classmates. If someone had shuffled a few feet closer to the door, they would’ve seen it all. But they aren’t clutching each other. They’ve accepted their current situation and are willing to move forward as a secret. And Wille opens his eyes, rather than closing them when going in for the hug. Maybe I’m going to far with my interpretation but Simon closes his eyes as their relationship is ending and Wille opens his when their relationship is starting. Seems very symbolic to me. It’s imo also another parallel that can be drawn between two scenes where the situation is somewhat similar but at the same time, everything has changed so it’s almost reversed.

(I’m also still not over Willes speech and their shared very not so secret smiles int the third gif but that’s a different topic).

(Also great addition by @emberc !!!)

Prince Wilhelm & Simon Eriksson Young Royals 1.06 | 2.06

[the-kindle-pile]

[Short Romance Story] The Moon

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction, real people are used as reference but not in anyway representative of anyone or my relations with them.

The song of romance has been well written across time and culture. Lyrical and enchanting, full of melody and melancholia. I've never been able to well experience it. One of the joys and sorrows I've been unceremoniously excluded from. But I will try to explain it from my meager experience. It wasn't much of anything but it wasn't nothing.

If you would know anything of romance, you would know it is not grounded in reality. It is a fleeting charm and beauty, that comes and go. She wasn't as beautiful as you thought she was. He wasn't as handsome and amazing as you thought he was. It is just an illusion but it is the illusion we cling onto. Well-maintained physique will help you keep the illusion, reminding you of the roaring years of your youth. Which is also why love grounded in the physical will erode away. Yet we cannot deny it is the physical that will trigger our neurons. We can call it spiritual, we can call it fate but we cannot deny ourselves that the partial core truth of love is physical.

Yet if love was only purely physical, it would not have permeated through all of media and persisted through time and culture, poems, lyrics and prose. It would not have meaning in art and roses, in gems and stones. It would not exist in other symbols if it was just carnal.

And so, I shall attempt to write it, a story. A story that is just a little bit off the tone of reason. A nostalagia for the disaster that is my unrequited love.

My experience with the opposite sex during my youthful days were limited. I came from a boy school and did not interact with girls until I was in my late teens in Polytechnic. When I first spoke to her it was for a project, yet I did not feel the nervousness that a young boy teen would when he speaks with an attractive counterpart. But rather, I was above all, confused.

You see, even at a young age, I was full of self-doubt and low self-esteem. A clearly attractive girl talking to me with respect and without disgust, surprised me. I didn't have my hair done, I did not dress well, my skin complexion was awful (and still is). To watch and sit right next to her partaking complete, deep conversations with her, felt so satisfying. She was a natural academic. We both studied sociology as our elective but she was in a different field, food science. I wonder how far she got with that.

We had many conversations but she was mainly the one doing the talking, which I loved. She can go on and on about sociology and random little things. About how cute the way hair buns sat upon our classmates heads, about how qauntities of our daily energy was burnt by our brains during studies. And I would just sit there and listen, throwing in a joke or two and she would laugh. Those were simpler days.

Unfortunately for me, she was already with someone else. She never talked about him but not for the lack of love. But simply because they had spent so much time together that they were comfortable with each other. She had something precious and it was something she cherished dearly.

I knew I couldn't give her a better life. I knew I couldn't promise to make her happier. I knew myself too well, to believe that I could treat her better. I knew it wasn't possible.

But I did love her.

I knew the words that would cheer her up when she was sad. I knew the gifts to buy when she was feeling down. I knew the songs she would love when we were just relaxing. Every gift I bought, I took considerations. I care to be thoughtful but not romantic. What she treasured most, I treasured too. I do not dare to say we shared something. But there was something that was drawing us together, our love of the same intangible little things and value of what we considered good in ourselves that were not superficial. She drew me in, like tides to the Moon.

There was a day we were out on an assignment that required us to be out in the field, filling surveys with the public. We were paired up as a team and had to go door to door to have our surveys filled. Me being an extreme introvert, hated the acitivity. I was extremely nervous because I had to interact with strangers and moreover, she was dressed in a basic formal work attire with make up on. And that somehow, was extremely attractive to me. By the end of the day I was wrecked, distracted, tired and barely got anything done.

By the last hour, I was ready to give up. And she said, why not do one last block? But this time as a game between us both. To see which one of us could finish knocking all the doors whether answered or not. And as if the universe was responding to the call, there was unexpectedly another pair of surveyors from another team in the same block. Knowing this, we both sprinted, to race each other and the other team to knock as many doors as we could. We could hear each other talking to the residents as we went down the blocks, gauging each other's progress. Her sweet chiming voice gave me more motivation to move along through doors faster. With a simple suggestion she changed my tone towards the assigment. We had more surveys filled in that apartment block, than any other blocks that day. At the end of the night, we were exhausted but we were happy. We had so much fun and I wonder if it could stay that way. But I knew it couldn't.

At the end, the course didn't worked out for me. She excelled in her's while I struggled in mine. The studies were about people and I do not work well with them. No matter how hard I worked, changed or adapted. I could not achieve what I needed to achieve to follow where she went. Besides, having your significant other work in the same field as you is a terrible idea ( at least that was what I told myself ).

She eventually caught on and had a inkling about my feelings for her. Things became awkward and I withdrew. But we did not drift apart in bad faith. And she did not cut me out of her circle. I could still see her holiday photos of her and her partner and their families on social media. Which is all fine with me, I feel no sorrow, I am happy that she is happy. I feel no regret because I had given what I could give.

She was like the Moon to me and I am the man in the valley. Gazing up at her in the field of many stars. She was the one I felt closest to, despite being so far. She was not my first love and probably not my last. But she might have been the one that is the most enchanting and more radiant than a star.

[sweetdevillydia]

September 3rd, 2023

Dear Diary

Everyone in my class should just die

On God, how the hell did they manage to create a class where everyone in it is a stupid ableist transphobe insufferable idiot? It's a choosen subject yeah, but why only annoying people like what I like? And no-one of them is like me, which is surprising

I'm sociable and nice and pretty and I get along with everyone, it's just with this class that everybody hates me, it's because of my autism of course (and probably cause I'm trans) they think I'm weird and other stuff that alistics think about autistics, they're all so stupide

This week one of the stupid groups (my group is also full of stupid people but whatever) gave a presentation about autism, and they were so wrong that in my last year of school, I had to tell the class that I'm autistic just to prove how stupid and wrong they were, I corrected their stupid presentation and suddenly the whole class was against me in a stupid "debate", they used the puzzle symbol and examples from ableist shows for God's sake, the whole thing was full of misinformation and stereotypes, buuuut I was the wrong one in my classmate's eyes, the teacher listed to me tho, so there's that, she's kiiiiinda supportive you know, she tries

I did that because my classmates were going to hate me more anyway, so it's better to be hated and right, I proved my point probably, they have such huge egos, and their heads are so far up their asses that they probably ignored me but whatever, I know I'm right

Of course, they hate me more now, talk more about me behind my back, and spread rumors about me, I kept my neurodivergence to myself during all of my school years and I know that will spread like wildfire, but there's only more like 4 months of school, so it can't be that bad, can it? I'm tired of trying to be nice and getting people to like me if they're gonna hate me anyway, they're going to pay for it, I hate them, I hate them so much, and I'm tired of pretending I don't, they deserve to feel so much pain, they deserve to pay for all the pain they've caused to me and others, they're so bad to the other autistic boy at my other class, I'm basically the only one that defends him :(

They're so evil, they should be expurged, all of them should be tortured to death, I hate them so much, i want their heads on a stick, they should all be guillotined, especially that stupid bee, I hate that bee so bad, she thinks so high of herself, when in actually she's just pure 4'1 of a pick me annoying basic bitch stupid arrogant and her friends are the same thing with even less personality, they should burn to death

All of the ampar group is annoying and stupid and they all think they're so smart and protagonists of everyone's lives, they're the worse, no personality cunts, they should all drown, and since that stupid bitch thinks is so bad her boobs are soooo uneven (its unnoticeable but she talks about that way too much) it should all be cut off her body no anesthesia >:)

The "girl group" is also so annoying, they're SUPER loud, they SCREAM SO MUCH ALL THE TIME, and for what? They're the worst, dumb and weird and judge too much and it seems the only thing they know how to do is talk shit about others, their personality is being loud, and that stupid traitor, you'd think she'd take my side, but even that stupid ana betrayed me, she was known by being kinda smart but clearly she's not, I hope she doesn't become a doctor like her parents cause she can't fucking listen, they all should be stabbed to death, eyes poked out and everything

Then there are the other people, they're kind of secondary but they're even louder than the girl group, they're dumber and louder, and they're the most transphobic and I hope they all drown and burn and get limbs amputated and get beaten and that it takes months for them to die

And "my" group is just as bad, I wouldn't call them my group cause they ignore me, and even got the new kid to ignore me (the new kid was the one being ignored, but when I tried talking to him suddenly he was soooo part of the group) I just sit with them cause every assignment in that class is a group assignment, 2ish of the 6 members at least pretend to like me, everything went downhill after B left and new people joined, can't blame B for leaving school and blocking everyone from that class, I'll do the same. But anyway, their humor consists of making fun of each other, making fun of Disabilities, and making fun of trans people, yeah they're absolutely disgusting and I hate them

I'm tired of pretending I don't hate them after I tried so badly to make them like, they don't even just not have an opinion of me, they hate me for no reason and so I've started to hate them too, but I won't be silent anymore, I'll tell the teachers, I'll tell everyone about how their beloved students are actually like, karma is gonna get them

And that's why I think all of them should die

(Btw me and S. started talking again but we already stopped cause they committed the same mistake)

[servin-up-surveys]

survey #090

(taken december 15th last year; uploading surveys taken while gone)

Do you like pickles? I do, but only dill. There's another kind that some people use for burgers that is way too sweet.

What does your favorite shirt say about you? Currently, people probably correctly assume that I'm very much an advocate for equality (the shirt says "equal in our bones"), like skulls (features one), and am a supporter of Mark and Sean (Cloak is Markiplier and jacksepticeye's business). I am quite quite sure though that I'm getting a Rammstein shirt for Christmas (my mom is full aware that I am obsessed and it was one of the highest items on my list), and it's probably gonna be my new favorite or tied with the Cloak one, depending on how it fits probably.

Have you ever thought you could do a better job at being president? Than Trump? Yep, and that says A LOT because I hate politics and want NO position in the limelight, but a fucking toddler coulda done better than him. Any other president, no, I don't think so, at least not off the top of my head.

Best field trip experience? 5th grade, to the Asheboro Zoo. At that time they had meerkats and I thought I was going to pass out seeing them for the first (and so far only, sobs) time lmao.

How do you feel when you meet someone with the same music taste as you? It's exciting and I wanna know their favorite bands and songs, lol.

Is there anyone in your life who consistently angers you? My sister's husbands and really her in-laws in general.

If you have a job, who is your least favorite coworker/manager? Unemployed.

Favorite episode of Spongebob? Maaaan that's hard, Spongebob slaps. Maybe the pizza delivery one.

Do you have any silly/odd emotional connections to anything/anyone? The pebble I got for my "graduation" from the partial hospitalization program that changed my life. Everyone who was finishing the program was able to pick one from a jar, and it was meant to symbolize how stones go through such immense stress and pressure to become something shiny and beautiful. My classmates all held it in their hands as they told me goodbye and wished me well. I would break the fuck down if I lost that pebble, I'm seriously starting to tear up just talking about it. It's literally on this desk for me to see.

What bug frightens you most? Murder hornets lmfao. Stag beetles also seriously creep me out, but they look cool.

Are your parents supportive of you? Yes.

When was the last time you cried and why? Earlier today, a little bit. Ma and I drove to Wal-Mart to pick up a grocery order, and we passed by this clearly homeless woman that stays in this shopping center with some stuff in a cart. Mom sees her every time she passes. It is absolutely frigid and really rainy out today, and Mom decided to go to the Chick-fil-a across the street to get her food and a coffee. (I want to take a moment to add my mother helps out homeless people a lot with food and I think once even a drive somewhere, she is just so fucking generous.) I've been with her before when she's done stuff like this, but idk, this time just really fucking moved me and I started smiling so big and crying a bit as I watched her go over to the woman. This poor woman was keeping warm with some little candles lit in her cart, leaning over it. It just broke my heart so, so deeply. I'm crying now writing about it, I just wish this world was nicer to people. This world's an unfair nightmare.

How’s your week been? It's... actually been decent? I went up on a med recently and I've been notably more motivated and just happier.

When did you last eat pizza? [TW: EATING DISORDER MENTION/BEHAVIOR-ISH] Mom put a small one in the oven the other day when Girt was here. He didn't eat any though, he's stubborn as a mule about eating these healthy dinners he routinely orders, and he almost always brings one here when he visits. I have absolutely nothing whatsoever against him wanting to be healthy, but I still worry because this man is in perfectly healthy shape and is still convinced he needs to lose weight so sticks to them. He's very into the idea of losing I think like ten pounds and me, his family, and my mom are all like... you'd be underweight. And he once got pretty defensive about it with his sister, like he clearly believes he's not where he should be when he is, and I really do worry he has a degree of self-image issues he's never admitted to. Wow, this was a question about pizza lmao.

Are you currently frustrated with someone? No, not that I can think of.

Has anyone recently told you something you didn’t want to hear? Yeah; my (sadly, now former) therapist had to give up on getting me into pretty much the best mental health service in this area; she and the psychiatrist that worked with her/me were only ever meant to be temporary, and my visits are up with them/insurance won't cover any more, and the desired place was simply much too far behind on referals to get me in in time. I was real bummed. I've instead been accepted somewhere else that Mom doesn't like, but Samantha (old therapist) reassured her their mental health care was well-received, so we're trying it anyway. I don't have much of a choice. I was supposed to be settled with an official psych care team in MARCH right when I got out of the hospital. The year is ending.

What was the last thing you heated up in your microwave? Pizza rolls.

Were you born somewhere other than a hospital? Nope. Just a pretty wild fun fact though, the same doctor who delivered my sisters and me also delivered Ashley's kids, haha. ... I think? Maybe just one or two? He retired at some point.

Are you currently listening to music or watching TV? I'm listening to "Lydia" by Highly Suspect.

What was the last thing you watched on TV? The first two (or three?) episodes of 1899 w/ Girt. I actually really wanna watch more of it this weekend since he's staying with me, I am SO curious about the story.

When you go out drinking, what do you prefer to drink? A margarita or sangria. Something sweet that doesn't have a strong alcohol taste.

Do you prefer regular or electric toothbrushes? Electric.

Have you received any compliments about your appearance today? No, only my mom's seen me and I've got nothing special going on.

What is your favourite type of cat? ORIENTAL SHORTHAIRS!!!!! lil Dumbo alien cats <333333

What religion were you raised in? Are you still that religion, if you had one? Roman Catholicism, and hell fucking no. Even as a child it didn't sit right with me, but I "believed" because I didn't want to go to Hell. Teaching your children that's their fate if they don't believe in a magical, manipulative, imaginary cast is abuse, btw.

What religion/spiritual path intrigues you the most, if any? Pagan stuff, like Wicca, or even atheistic modern Satanism (do your research before you get any ideas). I personally don't hold any of these belief systems because I think they make us humans seem more important than we really are (to me we are literally but little specks in an infinite space, in a tiny snapshot of time, that gives no shits about us), but the idea of finding holiness and divinity in oneself is absolutely alluring.

How many members are there in your favorite band and which is your favorite member? Gotta be honest, the only band member I know in Ozzy's solo career that is still a part of it is himself, haha. But man I would pick Ozzy REGARDLESS of the others, lol. For Rammstein, there's six guys, and I pray to Richard Kruspe at night while also utterly adoring Ollie because we're actually very similar, at least from the things that are public about him. I love all of them though, they are SUCH characters and absolute goofs together.

What heritage does your last name imply? Irish.

Name a stereotype from your country/culture. Do you agree with it? North America thinks it owns the whole fucking world, and in general, I do feel like most Americans think that, that we're like the main protagonists in life's story. Hell no we're not lmao.

Do women breastfeeding in public make you feel uncomfortable? Why or why not? No, because guess what the fuck tits are for, and a hungry child should be fed when it's fucking hungry. I get HEATED about this topic. I'm that person that would genuinely sit with the woman if she was nervous to be a very willing guard dog, my shyness would be GONE.

In the last week, what’s the kindest thing that someone has done for you? Girt showing up with that squishmallow *and* his entire work schedule printed for the whole next year really meant a lot. ;__; The plush came from nowhere and he wanted me to have his work schedule just so I know where he is, what days are candidates for hanging out, etc. I did emphasize to him though that even on days he's off, if he doesn't wanna hang out and I ask, he better be honest about it because that is entirely fine, he's allowed to have personal time whenever he wants, and I do think he understood and is willing to do that, he's always been very honest.

What was the last kind of crisps you ate? Uhhhh crunchy hot Cheetos awhile back.

Do you think it is bad to have sex at your age? I am almost 27 bro, absolutely not.

Will you be having sex in the near future? To be entirely transparent probably because my mom is about to be out of state for almost a week, Girt is planning on staying with me so I'm not alone, and the only reason we HAVEN'T gone that far yet is because we both live with our moms right now and the idea of going that far with a mom like in the next room or something is Very Uncomfy lmao especially when I'm a virgin so I have zero idea how I'd react.

What is your ring tone? Something that came with the phone. It's always on vibrate, so I really don't even know what it is.

Have you ever phoned a sex hot line? ON GOD when my little sister, neighbor, and I had our prank call phase as kids, we once accidentally found one 😭

When was the last time you made friends with old enemies? I mean I guess when Rachel (Jason's ex/first real gf) reached out to me on Facebook and we became friends. She hated my guts in high school because first Juan wanted me instead of her (I STILL don't know if they ever actually dated or what the hell they had going on), and then I dated Jason so apparently I "had a thing for her leftovers." She once even threatened to punch me and once aggressively snatched my arm during lunch to pull me in and tell me something that resulted in me leaving Juan (which ultimately was a blessing in disguise for sure). We're totally cool now though, she was a boy-crazy teenager with an attitude, but now we'll sometimes like comment on each others stuff, react, yada yada, we're cool. She grew up, and so did I. She actually recently got married to one of my former classmates, I even almost WENT to the wedding (via public invite to FB friends) but decided I didn't care THAT much, lol.

Is there something that someone has done to you that you cannot forgive? Invalidate my trauma.

Do you find body hair sexy? Depends, I guess. I THINK I'm more attracted to less but idk.

Who was the last person in your bed other then yourself? Besides my cat, Girt.

Has anyone ever drunk called/texted you? I don't think so?

What is your current MySpace song? Ancient survey, but I DO remember it was fucking "Pocketful of Sunshine" lmfao

Can you do a backwards london bridges? God no, even when I was fit I couldn't bend back and do it. I could lay DOWN on the ground and push myself up to do it, but that's it.

Are any of your pets “overweight”? No. A vet said Cookie could lose a little bit of weight and be perfect, but she's not considered overweight either.

Has anyone ever bought you a ring? My mom has, as well as Jason. I ended up losing the one mom got me down the sink (was not happy, it was really pretty), and the one Jason got, the gem actually came off really quickly and I kept it and the ring itself in a treasure box for a while, but not anymore.

Name three of your favorite colors: Light pink, coral, and hot/neon pink. Basically, PINKS lmao.

Have you ever been baptized? I was as a baby, yeah. Wish I'd made it boil. :^)

Have you been circumcised? I'm a cis female so have not been in this situation.

Would you circumcise your son? This is a decision that I would mostly leave to Girt. Being naturally a woman I simply can't properly relate to/fathom this topic. From the perspective I DO have from what I *can* understand, I'd absolutely want my son to have ease of staying clean, and I also would never want him bullied (not that I'd want or expect my kid to share this information with pretty much anyone), but at the same time, genital mutilation is not fucking cool. I have zero idea what anesthetics (if any) they use or ANYTHING, so I'd have to research this topic more and get input from the dad.

[TW: RAPE/MOLESTATION] Have you ever been raped or molested? Not to my memory, though so many docs by now have asked me, and it's been brought up before that I might have SOME sort of repressed memory because of so, so many signs. I genuinely don't think I have been, like I remember NOTHING, but who the hell knows. I had two boys in pre-k that absolutely harassed me (I've talked about this recently so not doing it again), but I wouldn't call it anything more than that, I think.

Have you ever been sick on your birthday? Hm not quite, at least I don't think so. I do remember I was RECOVERING from a stomach bug one year; I didn't feel wonderful, but we went to dinner at Olive Garden, and at this time Jason worked there and got them to do the whole "happy birthday" singing thing.

Have you ever tried to poison someone? Uh NO??????????

Have you ever saved anyone from a fire? I've never been in this situation, and hopefully I absolutely never will be.

Have you ever had a seizure? No, but I pretty much constantly felt on the verge of having one when I was on the med that made me manic, and at one point I came VERY near to going to the ER because my body was just violently, and I mean violently, seizing at very short, random intervals. I was entirely convinced I was about to have a seizure, but thankfully I fell asleep after being awake for three straight days. Stopped the med the next morning.

Have you ever had pneumonia? No.

Have you ever had a tooth knocked out? I had some molars broken when I fainted onto my chin on the bathroom floor.

Have you had a menstrual period? I'm a cis female so yes, I've had one since I was like, 13-ish. I actually asked Ma when I started today bc we were talking about how one of my nieces is nearly old enough to start and I wanted to pass away right then and there, on god. She is NOT allowed to hit puberty ok.

Have you ever had kidney stones? No.

Have you ever been bitten by a venomous animal? No.

Have you ever been pregnant? No, and I better never be.

Have you ever been sedated or put under anesthesia? Yeah, to get my cyst removed. Best sleep of my life lmfao

Have you ever used shrooms or any other hallucinogen? Nah.

[lilover131]

Chapter 64 Analysis

I’m sorry for being so late posting this!! I really did want to write this analysis sooner, however I got held up by an unexpected source. The English translated chapter was unavailable for download until today (it was never disclosed why this was so delayed), and I really did not want to write my thoughts using the red, blurry screenshots from the Youtube video on the official CLAMP channel. Now that I can have decent screenshots to outline things, I can finally write this properly!

This chapter was everything I had hoped for, and it leaves me so excited/scared for the future! Without further ado, let’s jump right in! -queue Chrissy listening to “Come into my Dream” by Foggy-

OMG, THIS COVER PAGE!! It’s so beautiful, and I absolutely love the way Syaoran is drawn in this color image. CLAMP wasted no time showing us the official colors of these outfits, which I’m sure will only serve to feed into the fanart (it certainly did for me!). I don’t have a lot more to say about it as there doesn’t appear to be any further symbolism to it that I can tell other than matching what is already going on. I love it nonetheless and have definitely turned it into a background for some of my devices. Haha!

 So I’ll start off by saying this….I was wrong. I feel like such an idiot for being so convinced that this black cat portrayal was not Syaoran and some magical entity, but it turns out I apparently know nothing about Syaoran and he is in fact an incredible actor. LOL. Honestly, I’m still so shook by it and how cool he’s acting! I’ll bet that Syaoran internally is embarrassed by this, but because this is clearly for Sakura and his classmates, he’s doing his absolute best and making it look easy!

 I’m proud of Syaoran for stepping up to do something he was clearly uncomfortable with, and his reasons for doing it really just continue to build on what a genuinely kind person he is. He realized that by doing only the voice, he was giving more work to others in animating the puppet, so he was in fact doing more harm than good. Syaoran really doesn’t like to give anyone a hard time, even for something as simple as animating a puppet, and it just melts my heart and how thoughtful he is! Of course the most important reason of all for him choosing to do this is to be closer to Sakura if something happens during the play. It seems that everyone senses something important is going to happen at this play, including Tomoyo, who explained that she had never put so much thought into costumes before, but that she did so because she felt that this play was special.

Watching from the trees, Kero and Suppi remark about how they feel the presence of magic, and Nakuru and Yukito exchange glances that express that they too, feel the same thing. Nothing has happened yet, but it seems everyone is on edge, and it’s easy to see why. I think we’re all honestly on edge waiting to see what happens. Haha! 

Syaoran jumps down from the pillar he was sitting on with expertise and impresses all his fellow classmates with his graceful athleticism, and I find Touya’s face to be absolutely hilarious when Syaoran gets so much applause. Touya certainly cares about him, but that doesn’t mean he likes him. Haha!

Syaoran and Sakura speak their lines, the black cat stating he was waiting for Alice, and that she had asked him to “guide her to the world she wanted to see”.  What Syaoran says next is awfully foreshadowing in nature, and he states that the destination is for Alice to decide. What she will or won’t do or where she will go is up to her, and what she decides will shape her world. This seems to come back to the ‘decision’ that CLAMP keeps teasing us with. It seems Sakura’s moment of choosing will come soon, and I’m so worried about this choice. Often, ‘choices’ in CLAMP works are very difficult ones with a lot of emotional pain, like Syaoran in Tsubasa World Chronicle having to choose between not killing the other Syaoran and saving the people of Nirai Kanai. I’m sure if it were an easy decision, then CLAMP wouldn’t put nearly this much attention on it. I have a sinking feeling that this choice Sakura has coming will be related to Akiho and Syaoran, and that whichever choice she makes will determine who ends up being the true cloaked figure.

 The song Yamazaki wrote starts to play, the lyrics describing how this is the story of Alice’s choice, and the cat will lead the way to her dreams. However, it is incredibly creepy how the lyrics are cut off in perfect time as it says “Carry on. But know….” And then is interrupted by the mysterious voice saying “You can never go back.” If you have read my post titled “Why I’m scared for Syaoran” (link here if you want to read), you’ll know how I feel about this particular disembodied voice, and I especially don’t like how it comes up right as Sakura is reaching for his hand (which she cannot physically touch right now due to the spell keeping them apart). This keeps giving me awful feelings that my prediction might be right, and I’m still clinging onto hope that I’m wrong.

Right after that moment, the scene shows Akiho standing at the top of the winding steps. She looks awfully mysterious under that veil, but I gotta say that the Red Queen outfit suits her incredibly well and is super beautiful. She insisted on having that role after all, so it seems she was really made for it. I really love the headpiece in particular with the massive flower, but the black spikes coming from it really do remind me of the dragon for some reason. Or maybe I’m thinking of the Association. The outfit in its entirety though really reminds me of the outfit Sakura wears in Recourt and Acid Tokyo in Tsubasa, and any Tsubasa readers will know how traumatic that arc was in particular. Hahaha!

For the second time now, when Akiho goes to say her line where she introduces who she is, she seems to hesitate, and this seems to be unscripted. There appears to be some sort of internal thought Akiho is battling with, and I’m curious to know what it is. Does it feel too real for her to say she is the Red Queen, or does she feel like she is telling a lie that is fighting and wants to correct? I’m sure we’ll get answers soon enough. But I imagine having a play that draws so much inspiration from the book she resonates with so much and only she can read must be somewhat surreal feeling.

 After their introductions are completed, Sakura and Akiho walk through a beautifully decorated archway, which seems to turn into an actual portal, and the two disappear within it. Touya signals to Yukito, who immediately goes into action. His new powers go into effect, his huge wings wrapping the entire school in a barrier. It is then that we get something completely shocking and not at all what I would have predicted. TOUYA CAN STOP TIME?!!!! We finally get to see this new power he has been teasing, and it turns out to be time magic of all things! Everyone is just as confused as we are naturally, but Yukito explains that this stopped time won’t last long and urges Syaoran to go after the girls while he can. He promises to bring Sakura back, which reminds me of another Tsubasa scene (STOP DOING THAT CLAMP), and once he passes through it, the gate closes behind him.

After Syaoran disappears, Touya explains himself to the guardians that he had a conversation with his mother’s spirit about Sakura’s growing lack of control over her powers and how he could help her. It turns out that Sakura has technically always had the power to see spirits, but she could not see them because she did not wish to see them out of fear. But now she can see spirits despite this, indicating that her choice has now been overruled by her own destabilization. Touya remarks on how he discovered a new power within himself, which was the ability to stop time, however he can only do so for about 2 seconds. He asks his mother if this ability could help her, and she tells him that in her time of need, it can, however he should not do it alone.

 It turns out that what she meant was to utilize Yukito to help increase the time he can use this magic, and that he can do so because the magic Yukito has was given to him by Touya, thus is his own magic. I really love how CLAMP incorporated that connection here, but it also really feeds into the Touyuki ship in ways that makes me want to squeal. Lmao. Touya explains that he and Yukito had been practicing quite a bit to get it right, and I love imagining how hard they were working quietly behind the scenes for this moment. Yukito’s eyes also look soooo pretty with Yue’s slits for pupils. I do feel kinda bad for Yue though, who is probably feeling a bit useless right now. However, before Yukito made his wish to the Tsukimine Shrine, he said he had written a letter to Yue to ask how he felt about this, and Yue responded “Do as you wish” (lol), so at least Yue’s feelings were considered here.

 Kero shouts from the trees that Touya and Yukito were cheating using time magic, but I don’t really know how that is considered cheating, or why the two of them were trying to hide at all from them. I guess Kero and Suppi didn’t quite feel comfortable talking directly to Touya yet, and I only really just now realized that this is the first time they’ve actually communicated to each other. But like…Touya is so far in the know about the magic world, that it makes literally no sense for them to hide anymore? Hahaha. Like, honestly they could’ve talked to him a long time ago, and it would’ve been fine. In fact, the whole freaking household should be totally okay with magic at this point, including Fujitaka. If they are not all talking to each other openly by the end of the series, I’mma riot. Lmao. 

 Anyways, Yukito states seriously that all they can do is help from that side of the door and that it’s “up to the cat now”, since they likely did nothing to stop Kaito. This seems to imply that not just Sakura’s return rests on Syaoran’s shoulders, but that he is also expected to be the one to deal with Kaito. None of these are going to be easy, so it appears Syaoran has a huuuuuge role in this climax, which was expected.

 I am BEYOND excited for the next chapter. I’m sure it’s going to be absolutely insane, and I’m also so so so so nervous for what is about to happen. I believe things are seriously going to amp up in the next chapter and that we are going to come face to face with Sakura’s decision. There might also be a round 2 for Syaoran and Kaito, so things are certainly about to get epic!!!

[m-y-fandoms]

COMMISSION: Joker/Akira/Ren x Reader Part 3

This fic assumes Mishima isn't a confidant, the reader is the Moon arcana instead, keep this in mind.

word count: 6.3k words, SFW

- Admin Myah

Over the next few weeks spent with Akira, or… Joker, as he seemed to be called when the situation demanded, you learned that the world was much more complicated than you ever could’ve dreamed. Sure, you praised yourself for being a little less of a sheep than the idle-brained teenagers of your everyday life who thought of nothing but gossip, status and appearances, but now you felt insignificant, like you’d been asleep all this time until Akira, Ryuji and Ann had placed six symbolic hands upon you, and shaken you to life. Layers upon layers, he explained the subconscious world that lay beneath, which ached to be revealed, only to those who’d open their eyes.

＊

It’d been a rush, your first time in the Metaverse. You’d insisted to Akira, though he protested, that you wanted to see what all of this near-unbelievable nonsense he was explaining was all about. He’d never taken non-Phantom-Thief confidants into the Metaverse, and he was hesitant, silent for a long while before deciding that your help was worth the risk. After all, he’d already told you everything, and they had no way to erase memories… yet.

You remember Akira taking your hand, the skin on skin contact. Up on the school’s rooftop with Ryuji and Ann flanking you, Akira had told you it was a precaution, to make absolutely sure that you transferred into the Metaverse with them and landed in the same place. You had to be touching one of them, for your safety, and he’d eagerly volunteered. With the cat in his bag seeming to smile at you over his shoulder (an occurrence which made you feel like you were going looney already) he tapped an app icon on his phone, some scary red little square, and with that, your body lifted, began to float, or so it seemed. Red completely consumed your vision, red and black ink like those blobs you’d seen the Phantom Thieves appear from when this all began. You gasped, stumbling back a step as if you could escape the all-encompassing wave, and Akira, sensing your trepidation, squeezed your hand slightly.

The rooftop faded, and you felt like a character from a videogame fast-traveling to their destination. Almost as fast as it appeared, the trippy red and black sludge subsided, and before you sat a dark, dreary scenery. A castle, one that obviously belonged to a malevolent ruler sat amongst a purple sky and the smell of despair.

“What the…” your mouth hung agape for a second, taking in your surroundings before letting your eyes trail down to where your hand met Akira’s. Assuming you no longer needed it, you shook him off gently, not even sparing a glance his way, and his eyebrows creased just the smallest amount, not that you noticed. You were too focused on the giant cat before you, knee-height, with a round, bulbous head. “Is… are you-?!”

“Much more handsome and dashing in this form, wouldn’t you say?” Morgana - now confirmed - gave you a sly look as you leaned down to his height to run your hand along the fur on his head.

“Wow… so cute!” You cooed.

“Hey! Stop it! Stop it! I am a warrior and to be taken seriously!” he whined, shooing away your hands, his fur on end.

“Ha!” a sharp laugh rang out behind you, and you turned to see that Morgana wasn’t the only one who’d made a drastic change. Ryuji was now clad in some kind of leather pirate’s uniform, his demeanor far more fearsome and a skull mask across his face. Ann donned a skin-tight body suit and cat mask, and Akira wore a lavish long coat, red gloves, and a masquerade mask. He looked like a magician from some fairytale, or perhaps the leader of some band of Robin-Hood-inspired band of vigilantes… although you supposed that was kind of what he was now… either way, he would make amazing source material for your main protagonist. Such swagger, a commanding presence… he didn’t seem to exactly be the same Akira you’d met earlier.

＊

The trip to the Metaverse was almost completely uneventful… almost. Just once, when you’d begged Akira to press forward and show you the inside of the castle, something called a “shadow” attacked, and you got to see the band of thieves in action. It was shocking, leaving chills running down your spine. Here were your classmates, people your age with ghost-like spirits materializing at their backs, flipping through the castle’s corridors, shooting guns and slingshots and magic at terrifying beasts. It was all so fast-paced, so stunning, that your body locked up witnessing the battle. A shadow spotted you in the background, defenseless and clearly not part of the Phantom Thief entourage, and taking the petty opportunity only a sore-loser on the ropes would take, struck out against you. You shrieked, your hands uselessly coming up to defend your face as if it would help. Akira’s eyes widened, his reflexes so much faster in this realm, and turned on his heel, diving in front of you to deflect the blast of frosty energy swirling toward you. It bounced off of the side of his large steel dagger and ricoheted back at the shadow. After assessing the situation and asking if you were okay, Akira decided it was time to return you back to the real world. It was too dangerous for someone without a persona to wander here. The thieves would return later, once you were safe at home.

＊

Anyway, now you believed him, you knew everything he was saying, about Kamoshida and his fucked up mind, about confidants, personas and metacognition was real and very much a serious matter. Now all that was left was to decide just how you could help them, what kind of deal you could strike with the clever leader of the Phantom Thieves. Of course, he didn’t expect you to get something and give nothing.

It was decided that you’d offer your knowledge as a writer to help with negotiation and charming shadows in the Metaverse. You’d turn those golden lines you wrote on the pages into real-life lessons, and Akira would learn to seduce shadows, to out-smart them, to persuade them to give up everything they had: their money, precious belongings, even their very selves. He would flirt, threaten, intimidate, any honeyed word or silver-tongued method he could use to make deals with shadows go along more smoothly. Perfect. It would help him out immensely. But, what did you want, he’d asked again.

It felt embarrassing, now that you were put on the spot, forced to disclose it, but although those “golden words” translated well into lessons for others, you found that you couldn’t as easily take your own advice. You struggled with human interaction in your real life, especially of the romantic kind. You could write a healthy relationship out on paper, create the ideal love interest from scratch for a story, but stumbled along words like some socially incompetent fool once it came time to apply that knowledge. As much as you hated to admit it, these days even getting true, realistic romantic moments down on paper was a struggle. The well was drying up, writer’s block, as you’d explained it to your online friends. It was near impossible to make something from nothing, and you had nothing. No real romantic experience. You couldn’t help but think this was the route of the problem. Your writing, your precious romance novel would flourish, if only it’s author wasn’t completely clueless.

“Date me…” You mumbled, surprised out how your long moment of pensive introspection had accumulated into this clunky statement.

“What?” Akira let out a breath he’d seemed to be holding the entire time, just watching you think on what method of reciprocity was worth your help. Losing your nerve at the incredulous tone of his voice and the raise of his brows, you shrunk back a bit, ready to defend your words.

“W-wait!” You held a hand out between you. “Not really. I mean…” how to word this…? “Like, fake!” He looked even more confused than before. You released a noise of frustration. “What I mean is, you take me on dates - fake ones - stupid little stuff couples do, for my writing, of course…” You looked toward the ground, suddenly extremely interested in your shoes.

“How does that benefit you in any way?” He smiled, a bit forced, a blush dusting his pale cheeks.

“Well I- I’ve been having writer's block lately. I mean sure, I can give you lines and lessons from my previous works, drabble and things I’ve learned, written down in the past, but I have no fresh material. Stagnation is every writer’s downfall, but I have no experience, I need more to go off of… and then maybe I can even transfer what I discern from our… interactions - er… dates I mean - to you. Does that make sense?” You looked up at him hopefully.

“Uh… no,” Yeah, you knew it didn’t, but that’s all you had for him. His hand shook, much less confident as Akira than Joker, and he shoved it in his pocket.

“It’s hard to explain, I just… that’s my deal. Will you take it?” You clutched your bag a little closer to your body. “We don’t even have to tell anybody. I just want to experience it… going out… with someone…” It sounded a little more pathetic now that you were actually hearing yourself. You both stood in silence, Akira contemplating your words. It wasn’t that he didn’t like you as a person… it was just… complicated…

“Give me a day to think about it,” he spoke quietly, giving you a polite send off before parting ways.

That night, anxiety set in as you rolled around in your bed restlessly.

Did you sound like a creep? Were you being unreasonable? Was this asking too much of him? Does he think you’re crazy? You’ll probably never hear from him again. He’d probably rather find a way in that crazy Metaverse to erase your memories so he can forget the awkward exchange ever happened. Maybe he’ll kick your shadow’s ass one day.

You debated going to school the next day.

＊

Akira’s night, though not as horrendous as yours, was not a peaceful one. Like so many nights, he found himself awoken to the clink of a ball and chain, dressed in striped rags as he stood and walked to the bars of his cell. The twins were waiting, as always, anger in their eyes.

“Look alive, prisoner!” Caroline spoke.

“Our master would have a word with you!” Justine chimed in. Akira looked up, meeting Igor’s large grin.

“You’ve forsaken a bond, Trickster. One must ask, why?” Igor’s hands splayed over a deck on cards on his desk.

“Huh…? What do you mean?” Sleep lingering in his mind, and confused as to why he was here this time, Akira replied.

“I’ve told you, the bonds you strengthen over time and the new bonds you form, they will be what wins this fight. You can only complete your mission, save all that is, through the support your confidants provide, so why have you abandoned this bond?” Igor’s fingers folded together, hands clasped, a show of disappointment. “Now is not the time to not try hard enough.” Was that a hint of frustration in his tone? If so, he didn’t show it.

“...I’m afraid I don’t understand.” Akira rubbed one eye lazily.

“You’re not trying to understand, worm! Wake up!” Caroline’s fist banged down across the bars, startling Akira slightly. He looked to Igor again, who held up a single card between two fingers. On its face sat two wolves, both howling up at a glittering moon.

“The Moon.” Igor stated plainly. “Illusion, fear, anxiety, intuition, uncertainty, complexity, secrets, the unconscious mind. A friend, a possible lover, someone unsure of themselves and others. Creativity, shadowed by doubt. Someone who supports others but not themselves.” As he spoke, images of your face flashed in Akira’s mind. Igor threw the card into the air, catching it upside-down, letting the wolves fall into the moon, swimming in its glow. “Reversed: release of fear, repressed emotion, clarity, misinterpretations overturned. Someone who can fix what was upright. But you’ve passed over the opportunity.” Igor swipes his free hand in front of the card, and it disappears.

Scenes play out in Akira’s head. Confrontation with shadows, confrontations with real people, but these aren’t real… or rather, haven’t happened yet.

He receives clarity.

The Moon has more to offer than lessons on charisma, seduction, trickery, persuasion. His intuition will grow, his ability to perceive things before they happen, the ability to read and understand people, and be understood in return. Other bonds will grow, empathy will grow. More friends, closer friends, a flash of blue hair, white uniform, red hair, headphones, then a tidy uniform, a Shujin uniform, gloves, a beige jacket, and finally bouncy curls and a soft, high pitched voice. With your help, the Phantom Thieves can grow. Bonds will strengthen. Complexity, Igor had said. More than meets the eye. Was there more to you? You weren’t too bad, obviously intelligent… a bit odd, but kind enough, and he did find you cute… but pretending, a fake relationship? How could a fake bond strengthen

The card reappears, as if out of thin air, and Igor points to one upside down wolf.

“Me.” Joker whispers, as if guided by an unseen force. Igor points to the other wolf.

You.

He awakens with a start, nearly knocking Morgana off the bed. He has an answer for you now.

＊

He finds you at school the next day, huddled in the library and not where you’d said you’d meet him. You’d been dreading this, waiting for the rejection, your hand trembling slightly on the book in your hands. He sits across from you, a look of determination on his face. Waiting for him to speak was torture.

“I’ll do it.” He holds out a hand, waiting for you to shake it, seal the deal. A contact has been signed.

＊

Your first date with Akira is clunky, unpracticed, unprecedented of course. He doesn’t know much about what to do, either, so he takes you to Le Blanc for dinner. Some coffee and curry, maybe a soda and some conversation on the side? It couldn’t be too bad, right? That’s what dudes do, he thought, bring their... pretend sweetheart somewhere for dinner, right? Sojiro is teasing, of course, wondering who this new person was, why Akira was holding their hand. He smirks like a dad proud of his boy, and Akira, too embarrassed under Sojiro’s scrutiny now to sit down and serve you curry, rushes you upstairs.

After being dragged by the hand up rickety old stairs, you end up in Akira’s room alone. You look around, taking in his sparse decorations, humble belongings. It then strikes you that you are, in fact, alone. Alone with a boy in his room, for the first time in your life. You didn’t know how you got here, and so fast. Maybe you were in over your head. Maybe you just needed to calm down. This was part of the process, right? Real couples did this, to get to know each other. He beckons you over, gestures for you to sit on his bed with him. You’re hesitant, but Akira isn’t making a big deal out of it, and you’re not really alone, with Morgana right there, so you sit, as far from him as you could be on the surprisingly soft bed. Struggling for words and new to dates himself, Akira decides to treat you first and foremost like his friend. That makes this all easier.

He spends the next hour or so describing Mementos, his mentor Igor, the twins. He wants you to know everything, and it surprises him. His other confidants, save for the actual Phantom Thieves, don’t know anything about the hidden world their bonds are healing. He describes the arcana to you, the tarot, the way his soul resonates with The Fool, Ryuji The Chariot, Ann The Lovers. His doctor friend is Death, Sojiro the Hierophant. Morgana here is the Magician, and proud of it. He explains how he feels a bond with them, as he now does with you. They make him feel like he can do anything. You’re included in that now. You feel warmth rise to your cheeks. How could he say that so casually? It wasn’t like it was a love confession or whatever, but you had trouble seriously telling your online friends you appreciated having them in your lives without adding a joke or meme in there somewhere. Why did he even need your help? He seemed well spoken. You said so, voicing these opinions aloud.

“Huh.. you know, I actually don’t usually talk this much,” he smiled. “Must just be you.” He was only half teasing. You looked away nervously, feeling the need to change the subject.

“S-so, what am I?” You began to stroke Morgana’s fur, and this time he didn’t seem to mind.

“You mean your soul?” He scooted a bit closer.

“Yeah.” It didn’t go unnoticed.

“The Moon.” He replied softly.

He spent the rest of the night explaining the levels of Mementos, and some of the wicked people whose hearts he’s had the displeasure of seeing inside, but the absolute pleasure of changing. You say you aren’t surprised so many people are walking around so hurt inside or eager to hurt others. When the “date” ends - neither of you having even gotten that promised coffee or curry downstairs - you’re touching, sitting shoulder to shoulder looking at the moon outside his window with Morgana on your lap. The room seems a little warmer, a little less humble. Akira mentions with a sheepish grin that it’s getting late, and offers to walk you home.

Rank Up!

＊

You sit in your bed that night, Akira now having returned to Le Blanc, and think about if this will make good writing material or not. You had to have learned something, right? There was something to be gained from every experience… but you can’t help feeling like you’ve warmed up to the thought of Akira a bit more… not too much, however. You smiled to yourself at the thought of The Fool, tricked into dating the Moon, for all it can offer him.

He’d been so awkward at your front door when he dropped you off. You could tell he had no clue what to do. He was frantically looking around. People in movies kissed their date at this point, cheek or lips, depending on how the date went, right? He confessed that he’s one of those people who truly don’t know anything about romance, like you’d mentioned earlier in one of your conversations. You tell him it’s fine, that you didn’t expect anything, that you just met the other day. He thought he was being clear, dropping hints that he might want to peck your cheek, just a quick gesture to kick off your fake relationship, but maybe he wasn’t as slick as he thought. The hints seemed to go over your head. Maybe he really did need help.

＊

Your second date comes in the form of you begging to go back into the Metaverse for some inspiration. He fights you, bringing up the last time a shadow attacked you, but you are persistent. He gives in, taking you to the highest rung of Mementos, where the shadows are weak and he can keep you safe adequately on his own. It is a date, after all, no Phantom Thieves tagging along. Mementos is a bit more frightening than Kamoshida’s Palace, you mention, and he eases your fear, promising to protect you here, always. You take in his Phantom Thief uniform in more detail as you walk the long corridors of the realm of the subconscious and decide he looks quite handsome in it.

You watch him battle a demon that is the personification of lust, a succubus-like creature dripping with temptation and love, or so it thinks. Joker uses all that you’ve taught him so far, which isn’t much, and cons the false idol of love out of their money. It was quite comical yet a bit sad to watch the shadows expression fall from a cocky to a defeated one, but preformative love you’ve decided, is doomed to lose. The irony flies over your head.

From this experience, watching Joker fight with speed and grace, you settle on a genre for your novel. It will be a high-fantasy romance. Joker will inspire your main character, of course, but the love interest… was still undecided. You started drafting her to look like Ann, act like Ann, give off the energy and power Ann does. Ryuji was an option at first as well to inspire the love interest’s personality, but he was a bit too brash. You wanted someone strong, but soft and elegant at the same time. These characters were loosely based on the Phantom Thieves, anyway, so it didn’t really matter.

＊

When you leave the Metaverse, though Akira is a bit exhausted, he takes you to a local casual restaurant to make up for the last time at Le Blanc. There, sitting across the counter from you two is an older gentleman. Yoshida, Akira whispers, is a friend of his, another confidant. The Sun. Yoshida makes small talk, asking politely if you’re with Akira, and you feel your stomach clench. You knew this was fake, the agreement was clear, but hearing it aloud, the awkward ‘we’re just friends’ that was coming made you sweat. It still felt like rejection anyway. When Akira confirms that yes, you are in fact dating, your eyes widen, the coil in your stomach releasing. He smiles, taking your hand. This has to be an act, a show to play up the relationship. He’s just performing his duty, his role, holding up his end of the deal in order to simulate a real relationship and give you worthwhile source material… right?

Either way, you appreciate not being publicly humiliated, and smile back. That night, you write down everything, and what it’s like to not be alone.

Rank Up!

＊

Days pass, Kamoshida coming and going, justice being served, and you spend more and more time with your fake boyfriend. Your parents let him come over, and in your room you let him read some of the old poetry you’ve written, some lame pining drabble from your younger years, and some more recent things you’re proud of. He scours your room, digging up old hobbies and photos. You tell him all about them. He tells you he enjoys learning these things about you. You simply smile. It doesn’t seem to be the reaction he was looking for. Not liking the small frown that adorns his features, you pick the conversation back up, asking if he thinks you’ll ever have a persona. He smiles, maybe someday.

Rank Up!

＊

The Phantom Thieves are gaining fame, only more fodder for your writing. The more you hang out with Akira and his friends, the more real it feels. Your online friends can feel it, too. They sense you changing, talking less of writing and more of Akira. They tease you, of course, but they don’t get it. He’s just a main character… just a muse.

This time, Akira walks home to Le Blanc alone, wondering if he should tell you how he feels. He doesn’t like it, holding up this pretense of a fake relationship, pretending the glances and touches don’t matter. He wants to tell you…

...that he’s slowly falling.

You receive a little gift in the mail the next day. It’s a deck of tarot cards. The return address is blank. You call him to tell him all about it, and end up discussing the pros and cons of each card all night. What a coincidence that you should receive your own deck all of a sudden.

Rank Up!

＊

There are moments where you’re afraid you may be falling, too. There was the time that a blue-haired young man stalked you and your friends through Shibuya, turning corners when you did, always on your trail. When Ryuji finally got fed up and confronted the weirdo, asking why the hell he was following you guys, he’d revealed that his name was Yusuke, a student of a painting master, and that he was simply following inspiration where it lead.

“Your friend there, I was drawn to them,” he points elegantly, like some manga bishounen, past Ryuji and toward you. “I beg of you, allow me to paint your form. Something about your normalcy stands out. What I mean is, there is beauty to be found in not standing out, a silent grace in being so plain.” You could tell Yusuke meant no harm, that he simply may be a bit socially inept with his words, as well, but the way he was talking about you set something in Akira on fire. He stood in front of you, shifting until his body blocked yours from Yusuke’s sight.

“They aren’t plain.” He spoke with a dangerous edge to his tone, and you felt your heartbeat speed up. The hint of jealousy in his voice at Yusuke’s request for you to model for him, and anger at him calling someone he found so fascinating plain was evident.

＊

Yusuke seemed to be in denial in the coming days. Though your little troupe seemed to constantly be bumping into him, offering him sound advice and trying to awaken him to the mire of corruption that was the truth behind his mentor, Ichiryusai Madarame, he refused to see reason. He dove further into his art, but you could tell he was hurting. You used your time with Akira these days to teach him how art, much like film and literature, can reflect false truths and influence people. The deception, corruption and shallowness of the media extended to the art world, as he learned after one or two gallery visits with you.

It was then, in a gallery displaying Yusuke’s work, as you sat in a secluded corner alone discussing ways to take down Madarame, that Akira started to flirt incessantly.

He takes your hand, bringing up romantic tropes in movies he’s seen that seem so forced, one-sided, cliche, uncomfortable. He mentions that he would’ve done better, explains how those scenes would’ve played out if he had any say.

“Is that so?” Your brow raises, amused by how animated this usually quiet boy could be when he was passionate about something.

“Yeah! Of course! What, you don’t see me doing that?” he laughed breathily, going on about how the male lead of some high-school romance film Sojiro rented for him was clumsy, forceful, and didn't give his lover time and space to think about their feelings. “I would’ve treated them much, much better… “ his words trail off, as if lost in thought.

“...Is that so?” You ask again, studying his face and asking yourself how you didn’t notice before how beautiful the hue of his eyes were. You sure as hell were noticing now… steely grey, sharp, deep, purposeful. You’d have to write that down… for research purposes of course. When you pull yourself back to reality, no longer lost in the swirl of his irises, you realize he’s staring at you, and has been for some time.

“Do… can I-” he speaks, throat dry, and scoots himself closer. “May I kiss you…?” His voice is soft, so soft, scared.

“...Yes.” You answer, naturally, impulsively, voice just as soft. When Akira leans forward, and softly presses his apprehensive lips to yours, you feel like you’ve been set on fire. Your mind begins to go crazy, while your body is frozen. It’s not that you didn’t like it, some part of you did. You wanted more, but it felt wrong. This wasn’t real. You didn’t truly like him… right? This kiss was fake, for research purposes… to cure writer’s block…

...right?

You were frozen more from guilt than nerves. Weren’t first kisses supposed to feel like little butterflies in your stomach? Did he think he owed you this? Were you taking advantage of him at this point? Did he feel forced to kiss you to keep up his end of the bargain?

Akira deepened the kiss, a hand on the back of your neck, guiding you, begging you to reciprocate. When you didn’t, lost in your own head, he pulls away, a small frown tugging at his lips.

“W-we… we should head home. I’ll walk you…” he sighs. You both stand, make your way back onto the main street from the museum, and are silent the entire walk home.

You think he’s silent because you’ve forced him to think he needs to kiss you, and now regrets his decision. He thinks you’re silent because he’s just forced a kiss upon you, just like some Chad from a movie who can’t understand boundaries. Neither of you know your silence is for the exact same reasons.

Akira drops you off at home with a quiet ‘goodnight,’ and walks home, clearing his head in the cool night air.

“Stupid… jeez… fuckin’ stupid,” he huffs, repirmanding himself. This wasn’t real. You’d stated that from the beginning. This relationship was to benefit your writing, to help him in the Metaverse, nothing else. Nothing else.

Nothing. Else.

It was his fault he let himself develop real feelings. He has no right to be sad, to blame you, to get upset. You’d stated the terms from the very start…

Maybe he really was The Fool.

Rank Up…?

＊

The next few weeks are awkward.

Both of you think it’s your fault.

You go on dates like usual, but they are strictly business. You get writing material, he gets advice, no touching, and certainly no kissing. Yusuke joins the group. Things are great… friendly… strained, tense. Akira wonders what the hell he’s doing, if this bond is even worth it. Weeks pass. He feels your bond with him growing, but not in the way he wishes. It felt like all of his other confidants: visit, gain, rank up, gain power, learn. He wonders if he can keep this up. His heart aches. He wants to touch you more, but can’t, wants to tell you more, but won’t let himself.

＊

One rainy night, he calls you, like he often does when you can’t meet up in person, and tells you he can’t do this anymore. You lie, and say you agree. The guilt won’t let you tell him the truth, that you want to end the farce, move onto something more real. You can sense your feelings for him growing stronger each day, and it’s not fair to him. Without fighting, without the big “it’s not you it’s me you” you’re used to reading about in books, you tell him you respect his decision, and it’s over. When Akira hangs up, he finds himself a bit angry inside. You didn’t even try to fight for the relationship. There was a tiny little part of him that hoped you felt anything for him, that maybe it meant something to you. He cries that night, for the first time in a long time. They are angry tears, frustrated ones.

＊

In your bed, you find yourself sitting upright, dead inside, unfeeling, empty. You feel like a part of you is gone, but can’t pinpoint why. You don’t even notice the tears sliding down your own cheeks as you sift through the pack of tarot cards that mysteriously came into your life. You find The Moon, and play with it, twisting it between your fingers before sending it flying across the room like a paper dart. Did this mean you couldn’t hang out with the Phantom Thieves anymore? Were you losing your only in-real-life friends and… boyfriend(?) all in the same day?

You sifted through the cards and gently set aside the Emperor, the Lovers, the Chariot. Then your hand drifted over the Fool. You held it out in front of your face. A dancing man looking up at the sky with a jesters cap perched upon his head smiled back at you.

The start of a great journey, freedom from constraints. Each day is an adventure. Courage, anything can happen. There is a need to experience new things, to let yourself experience the love you deserve. Be willing to take risks.

A sad, thoughtful smile crosses your lips. You turn the card upside down.

If you disregard the repercussions of your actions, you are the Fool. You cannot see the position you’ve put yourself in. Is everything what it seems to be?

A breath catches in your throat, a wave of nausea hitting you. You scramble for your phone, and dial a number.

Silence, ringing, silence.

“...Yeah…?” Akira sniffles. He’s been crying???

“I want… can we talk… can I come over?”

“It’s late.”

“It’s not, we came home way earlier than usual. You’re just using that as an excuse.” You were feeling a little braver than usual, the spirit of the Fool within you. You heard him thinking, a sigh that came through as static.

“Yeah… fine, I’ll be waiting.” Relief washed over you.

＊

When you knocked on the door after speed-walking to Le Blanc, Sojiro let you in with a warm smile. He obviously didn’t know about your falling out with Akria, yet.

“He’s upstairs,” he gestured, exhaustion evident in his voice. You rushed past, thanking him with a small bow of your head. Only now was the inevitable fear starting to sink in. Akira heard footsteps creaking on the stairs. Sojiro never came up unannounced, and with that realization, his back stiffened. Morgana picked up your scent, excusing himself, passing you on your way up the stairs. He could take a hint.

He stood immediately, stepping toward you, stopping halfway. You shrunk into yourself, unable to meet his eyes.

“Akira… I wanted to talk…” you muttered.

“You said that… about what?” He was more than a little pissed, but he was always one to hide his temper well.

“Can we sit…?” You gestured to his small sofa. It didn’t feel right to sit on the bed. He hesitated, before shuffling over and sitting next to you. “I wanted to apologize.”

“For what?” Oh, there were so many things, but he wanted to know what you thought was worth apologizing over. Maybe he wasn’t being fair, he dialed back his attitude a tad.

“For… making you enter into the agreement in the first place. Someone’s affections, their love, their touch and body… it’s not something that can be forced. It should never be pretend.” You felt like the biggest hypocrite ever right now. His head shook a bit in disbelief, blinking hard.

“I wasn’t pretending!” His hands flew to his hair, mussing it. “That was the problem.” He sighed heavily.

“What?” You couldn’t believe what you were hearing.

“I wasn’t being forced… are you… you must be the most oblivious person I’ve ever met.” He laughed cynically.

“But-”

“Wait, wait, why did you think I ended our” he put air quotes up, “ ‘fake’ relationship.” He needed this clarification, now. For closure, for redemption, to fix things, whatever may come next.

“Because… because I was forcing you to date me! You were uncomfortable?!” You could feel your voice begin to break, tears clawing to escape. You’d never felt so disgusted with yourself as you did right now.

“Are you serious?” He took both of your hands, looking you in the eyes. You nod. “Answer truthfully. Do you have feelings for me? Real ones?” You bit your lip, that feeling of selfish guilt creeping like bile up your throat. You nod again. “This whole time?” Another nod. He releases you, turning away. “Sheesh, maybe I’m the oblivious one here…” he spoke more to himself than to you. You both sat in tense silence, not sure what to do, what to say.

“Akira…”

“It was real to me,” he moved closer, trapping you against the end of the couch.

“Really?” Your heartbeat was going crazy, and he leaned ever so slightly closer, his hand on the back of the couch for support. “I broke up with you because it was hurting me to pretend I didn’t have real feelings for you, and to think you didn’t want me back, not for real. I thought… that you’d always think of me as just some character for your book.”

“No… Akira… had I known you felt this way…” He leaned in further, your noses bumping slightly, clumsily. This time, he felt no discomfort, no hesitation from your side. His heart fluttered in excitement. You could feel his breath on your warm cheeks.

“May I kiss you?” He asked again, a secondary, unspoken question sitting beneath his words.

“Yes.” Your voice was shaky, but you were sure, for once, of what you wanted. His hand went to your back, cradling you into his chest to lay down flat against the couch. With a passion he’d been holding back, he pressed his lips to yours without reservation. You sunk into the warm, plush feeling, tilting your head at a better angle. He kept the kiss soft, shallow, low pressure, looking for you to give him the signal to stop. When your arms reached upward, snaking around his neck and pulling him harder down into you, he groaned softly, barely audible, before passing his tongue over your lips a single time. You parted your lips, allowing him access, and his hand, pale and trembling, came up and found its way under the hem of your shirt, splayed nervously against the smooth skin there.

[aspoonofsugar]

Red and Gray in a Black and White World

Carmen Sandiego likes playing with colors.

In particular, VILE is black, while ACME is white.

This is why Carmen’s codename is Black Sheep, which later becomes ironic when she grows to be VILE’s literal “black sheep” and their thorn in the side. At the same time, Shadowsan too has a codename suggesting something dark in color. Of course, his name also foreshadows that he is the one protecting Carmen from the shadows.

Similarly, the ACME’s agent closest to Carmen is Julia Argent aka “silver”. She is not completely “white” and she is able to see the complexity of the world, differently from Devinaux and Zari.

As a matter of fact the whole point is that Carmen refuses a black and white vision of things. She doesn’t want to join VILE, but she doesn’t want to be a part of ACME either:

She wants to use her “wicked skills” for good.

This is a fitting theme for a show whose aim is to help kids learn about geography and how rich Earth is. It conveys the idea of complexity.

In other words, Carmen explores the world and its wonders at her own pace and with her own rules. This is expressed by her color being “red”. Everything about her is red. Her codename, her clothes and even her adoptive family:

Similarly, Gray is another character, who is neither black nor white, but (obviously) gray (duh).

This is made clear in Chief’s speech above and his moral complexity is also what makes his dynamic with Carmen so interesting.

“GRAY” AND “BLACK SHEEP”: NOT MY NAME ANYMORE

Carmen and Gray’s relationship is one of mutual attraction (platonic or romantic does not matter), but also of conflict.

They want the other by their side:

But they can’t agree on which side they should both be:

This is because they both refuse a part of the other. This refusal is well expressed through the name symbolism of both characters.

On one hand Gray keeps calling Carmen Black Sheep:

He refuses her new identity because he does not understand it:

On the other hand Carmen refuses Gray’s VILE persona, but also his civilian one.

This is interesting because her refusal of “Crackle” is something Carmen does willingly:

She does not genuinely understand it, just like Gray does not understand her being Carmen Sandiego.

At the same time, though, Carmen somehow also refuses Gray’s civilian identity and keeps calling him Gray instead of Graham:

Even if the brainwashing makes their friendship easier, Carmen still feels something is amiss. The person in front of her is not really “Gray”, but somehow a “white” version of him. It is not by chance that she is able to partially rebuild their past relationship by involving him in a dangerous mission:

And in this mission Carmen needs Gray’s “wicked skills” that are still a part of him. She becomes Gray’s link to his previous world:

Just like he is the one who symbolically introduces her to what truly means to be a criminal:

And to its harsher aspects:

At the same time, it is interesting that when brainwashed Carmen still refuses the codename Crackle:

And she only uses it when she thinks he has betrayed her:

In that moment it is as if Gray truly became “black” for her and changed from her partner in crime to an enemy.

In short, both characters can’t truly pintpoint who the other really is.

Who is Carmen really? And is Gray good or bad?

The answers to these questions are difficult because Carmen and Gray themselves are not sure until the end of the series.

THE MISSING MATRIOSKA AND BROKEN LIGHTS

Carmen does not know who she is, while Gray is caught up between his wish to be a criminal and his empathic side.

These internal conflicts are well conveyed through specific motifs linked to the two characters.

Firstly, Carmen’s journey of self-discovery is commented by the burnt matrioskas motif:

The matrioskas are what links Carmen to her biological family. They’re the only things she has had since she was born and it is later revealed they’re a toy her father used to calm her down.

At the same time, the matrioskas symbolize Carmen herself. Like her “oldest traveling companions”, she too is made of multiple identities who live inside her and change as she grows. She starts as Lambkins, grows into Carmen Sandiego and finally discovers her identity in  the finale:

Both in terms of her origins and who she wants to be:

The missing matrioska represents both. On one hand it is the link to Carmen’s past and it is symbolically the smallest one (like a baby). On the other hand seeing it makes Carmen remember who she wants to be.

In short, the matrioska is Carmen’s missing piece both when it comes to who she was and to who she will be.

As far as Gray is concerned, him being caught between “light” and “darkness” is conveyed by his electrician’s motif:

Gray’s criminal career started when a light bulb went off. This is an ironic inversion of a light bulb switching on when one has an idea. Still, it also symbolizes a fall to darkness. Gray’s job was supposed to switch lights on, but he chooses to turn them off, so that he can steal.

This motif comes back in season 2 ep 7 where Carmen’s mission is to stop Doctor Bellum from causing dangerous black-outs. This is tied once again to Gray’s character. As a matter of fact not only the objective is to avoid physical blackouts, but also to stop Graham turning back into Crackle once again. The blackout which must be avoided is the one of Gray’s personality.

At the same time, this motif is not as straightforward as it may seem:

As a matter of fact the whole reason Gray has turned into Graham is a metaphorical “black-out”. This is an interesting idea. Gray has left criminality and can have a new beginning and Carmen sees it as a positive thing. However, this whole new identity is a lie built through brainwashing:

Carmen has good intentions and is ultimately proven right about Gray’s good nature. However, she is still ready to accept a persona constructed through an unethical method.

She meets an idealized version of Gray, she realizes something is missing, but still accepts it. This is why she needs to see this illusion shatter and to confront the real Gray once more.

This happens when Gray gets his memories back:

The one on the Himalaya is the second real confrontation between Carmen and Gray after the one on the train.

At this point, we are shown how they have changed and how they have not.

On one hand Carmen is finally forced to accept that Graham was nothing, but an illusion:

However, she does not completely give up on Gray:

Even if confronted with the truth she still hopes Gray will change. It is just that this change to be true should happen because of her friend’s free will and not through a coercion.

On the other hand Gray has grown enough to accept Carmen:

And to realize she will never come back to VILE. However, he still begs her to stop fighting the organization. In short, he has grown a little, but is still asking Carmen to give up on her life mission, just like she wants him to give up on criminality.

The two characters have clearly grown closer, but they are still unable to see eye to eye and this is why they end the episode as enemies, despite this:

There is clearly affection between them, but this affection is not enough to let them overcome their rift. At least not in that moment.

THE FLYING DUTCH AND THE RED PHANTOM

In season 4 ep 4, while Gray is about to make his choice, we hear a song from The Flying Dutch in the background. This is not a surprise because Graham and Carmen’s relationship has also an Opera motif.

Graham works in a operahouse and famous operas pieces comment his relationship with Carmen while brainwashed. They meet at The Carmen, are reunited through The Swan Lake and finally Graham turns into Crackle again while The Flying Dutch is playing.

This last opera is important not only for Graham’s story, but also for Gray’s overall arc. As a matter of fact the story of this opera is one whose main theme is about how love leads to redemption.

This is precisely what happens to Gray in the end.

In particular, he finds himself in the position Carmen was just a while before: he meets an idealized version of Carmen.

Brainwashed Carmen is who Gray has wanted Carmen to be all along. She is loyal to VILE, close to him and in love with stealing.

However, despite Gray having all he ever wanted he quickly realizes he does not like it at all:

Black Sheep realizes she does not want anything to do with VILE after she sees how the organization has transformed Gray.

Similarly, Gray decides to betray VILE after he sees what they did to Carmen. This is interesting because, while Carmen refuses to work both for VILE and for ACME, Gray ends up working for both.

Anyway, in the end Gray leaves VILE out of love.

Not only that, but he shows to have been influenced by Carmen on a deeper level:

It is because of this that Gray survives his final confrontation with his old classmate.

All in all, Gray manages to save himself and he and Shadowsan are the two people that helped Carmen to save herself the most.

At the same time, Gray and Carmen’s story ends on a bittersweet note. They have both hurted each other, but still clearly love each other:

Despite this, they are avoiding each other. This is not something new, if anything Gray’s final choice:

Perfectly mirrors Carmen’s one in the first season:

Both times the two characters decide that the best thing for the other is for them to walk out from their lives. However, I think that both times this is wrong.

Carmen’s decision is later on proven wrong by how the story develops. Gray would have never truly changed if Carmen had not walked in his life again and he would have stayed prisoner of a lie forever.

Gray’s decision happens at the end of the story and seems to be built on this idea:

The idea is that Carmen deserves a normal life. She deserves to stop being a symbol aka Carmen Sandiego and to become a person. She can now live a normal life and meet her mother.

However, even if it seems Carmen will do just that and she even disbands her gang aka her adoptive family, in the end we are shown this:

Carmen has not given up on being Carmen Sandiego and on fighting criminality. Whatever happened after she met her mother, she goes back to her previous identity. This is because Carmen Sandiego is not just a mask she has worn all this time, but it is genuinelly a part of who she is. The difference between the beginning and the end is that Carmen previously was Carmen Sandiego because she did not know who she was, while now she is because she knows.

Carmen will always be both a good person and a thief. She is both and ironically she has told us (and Gray) this since the very beginning:

Because of this, Gray’s worrying he will make Carmen’s life complicated if he even just contacts her is probably false.

Anyway, in the end their relationship has an open ending, but both characters have both realized who they are and who they want to be and they have done so with the other’s help.

[nevermore-the-kitsune]

Pokemon Teams for Fictional Characters pt. 2

Damian Wayne

(Also, I'm not including move sets because in my headcannon Pokemon do remember all their old moves. But humans choose to only use four)

For this AU I'm having the Wayne's own the Gotham City Gym, which specializes in Dark types. Most of the cannon events still happened. Just with a few tweaks here and there. (Dick's 20, Jason's 16, Cass is 15 Tim's 15 but younger than Cass and Damian's 13 because I love AUs where there closer in age).

Anyway here we go!

First things first in the Pokemon Universe his alias wouldn't be Robin since they don't exist. Instead I think it would be Rookidee, since thats the closest Pokemon to a Robin.

His Partner Pokemon and ace would be a Gligar

Name: Goliath

Gender: Male

Why: Gligar screams Goliath (his Batdragon) plus the coloring of his evolutions matches with Dami's Robin and Batman outfits

Story: He found Goliath while climbing a mountain for his training. At the time he was four and Goliath was a hatching. Damian ended up giving him some food, seeing that the hatching was hungry.

Grateful, the Gligar followed him hoping to return the favor.

When Damian's hand got broken on that same trip, Goliath was the one to help him finish his mission and get home safely.

Talia was impressed that Damian could tame a wild Pokemon without catching it, so she allowed him to keep him as his first Pokemon.

-----

Next he would have a Meowth

Name: Alfred

Gender: Female

Why: This one has to do with its evolution. Persian are said to only be loyal to trainers it likes and that it takes a lot to get them to like you. Their also said to be prissy and uptight. This reminded me of Damian. How it took forever for him to trust his brothers and his own snobby attitude. Thus I think it fits.

Story: After coming to live with his father Damian didn't know how to act. He saw his "brothers" and father treating their Pokemon so different than how the League did. They all trained hard. But, there was something eles: warm praise for a job well done, asking for insight on a case (they had taught their bipedal pokemon sighn language) and comfort on a bad day. His father and brothers treated their Pokemon like... people

In the League Pokemon where the lowest soldier, lower than the slaves or concubines. They trained, ate then they had to and got in their ball.

He had been a little more lenient in his training with Goliath. When asked he said that he was still a baby and he had to take things slow in this stage or he might develop too much muscle mass and be unable to fly.

He had kept him out of his ball with the excuse of developing muscle mass at a proper pace.

He liked Goliath's company. The Gligar was a good companion. But on the same level as another person?

He had expressed these thoughts to Pennyworth, the only person in the house to give him a straight answer when he needed it.

Pennyworth had explained to him that some people love to hold power over others and that Pokemon where an easy target, since they couldn't communicate their emotions as clearly as people could.

"Think of Mistress Cain. She sometimes cannot communicate with words, but we know that she's intelligent. But some people see her as less than intelligent and treat her as such because of the power it gives them."

Two weeks later Damian would come across a group of teenagers attempting to shave a Meowth. The Pokemon was little more than skin and bone and crying out on pain. So, Damian broke their fingers and shaved part of their heads for good measure.

He kept the Meowth and named her after the man who taught him about the abuse of power.

---

Next, a Poochyena

Name: Titus

Gender: Male

Why: These Pokemon and their evolution are ruthless with their pray, and only obey trainers with external skill.

Story: Raven gave Damian Titus as a gift. She said that she rescued him from an underground fighting ring (where the battles are to the death). He was still to young to battle so he didn't need much rehabilitation. The other Pokemon there though...

---

Now we have a Type Null

Name: Heretic

Gender: ???

Why: This Pokemon was created in lab, and artificial designed for the purpose of fighting, just like Damian. True I could have given him Mewtwo, but that cat seems to fit Kon more.

Story: Damian's mother had spent years creating Type: Null with the purpose of being able to kill any target. As a last test she wanted to see which of her creations was suppirrior. So she sent the Type Null out to (try and) kill her son.

Damian, with the rest of his team, beat the Pokemon but couldn't kill it. He had long since vowed to wash the blood from his hands. Instead he offered his hand to it and asked it to join him.

---

Here we have the hardest to explain... Mimikyu

Name: Habibi (I hope I spelled that right)

Gender: Female

Why: Damian is complex, he wants to be accepted and loved just like Mimikyu but dosent know how. Both try to mimic others in order to get that love, Damian his father and Mimikyu Pikachu. So I see this as Damian's spirit Pokemon in a way.

Story: He didn't know why it was so hard to fit in. Gods know he tried. But... little things confused him. Like how eveyone could understand each other without words or singhing. He had no problems with that on a battlefield, but in day to day life; it felt like he was on a separate server.

Like how Todd knew at breakfast with just a look that Drake was in a bad mood and how to help. Or how Grayson could audomadicly tell what kind of day at school the rest of them had withen a few minutes. Hell even Drake could tell what grunts ment what from father! Which ment good job, Which ment I'm glade your okay, or frustration either at them or at a case (Cass didn't surprise him, she had to learn how to communicate without words and watch body language and micro expressions).

School was no better; sometimes it was to load or bright othertimes, when everyone was doing a test, it felt to quiet. But, to much or to little, Damian was always aware of every movement, every sound. It was like the very instincts that saved his life every night where turned against him.

He turned to his nearly forgotten childhood habits to distract himself from everything around him. That only led to more whisper shouting and what even he could tell where displeased glares with a grunt of "fucking tapping" or a snap of "stop!" He knew it was disrupting but it was all be could do to drown out the noise or silence.

On one particularly bad day at school; apparently during one of their tests one of his classmates had had enough of Damian's tapping and decided to make a scene.

There was some yelling from the kid. A few cries in agreement. Before the teacher had gotten hem to settle down. He had demanded that Damian look him in the eye and when he finally did told him to stop with the tapping or else he would be sent to the office, Gym Leaders son or not.

He was the last to finish that test where he normally finished first. The silence had been to load!!

After that clusterfuck Damian finally headed home. He had texted Grayson saying that he was meeting a friend somewhere to work on a project and to not pick him up. In truth he didn't want his brother reading what kind of day he had had. He needed some time to himself.

That was how he found himself in a nearby park. It was filled with plenty of sounds that didn't suffocate him and the fall leaves where soothing to his eyes. Damian had Titus out of his ball as company, knowing that the pup loved park walks.

They had been walking for an hour when they came across a box set off just on the edge of the trail. "Free to Good Homes" was written on the side in black sharpie.

No sound was coming from inside, so he assumed that the had all been taken. Until Titus went closer sniffing at the seemingly empty box.

"Pooch Pooch"

"Hmmm... what is is it boy?" He asked as he walked closer to his Pokemon and the Box. Damian hoped he was wrong. It was cruel to leave a baby Pokemon all alone, especially since the weather was getting colder by the day.

Inside the box was in fact a lone Pokemon. At first glance it looked like a Pikachu. But something was off. It looked more like a doll than a living creature. If it wasn't for the small chirps it let out and slight way that it was shivering from the cold Damian would have written it off as a toy. No wonder it got left behind...

Damian reached down and picked up the mystery Pokemon as gently as he could.

"Come on beloved, lets go home."

He tucked the Pokemon in his jacket to warm it up before reaching for his phone to call Grayson for a ride home.

That night Damian locked himself away, even skipped patrol, and spent a sleepless night learning everything he could about his newest Pokemon.

---

That was inspired by this comic

---

Finaly, for his last spot Eevee!!

Name: Omni

Gender: Female

Why: I'm going to have all the Batfam members have an Eeveelution. This branch and the Batfam are both growing consistently. We all have our favorites but we love them all the same. So I think it fits.

Story: Everyone in the family had an Eevee or one of its evolutions. Damian's Father said that Eevee was the Wayne family symbol, it was potential, the ability to become whatever you wanted.

Though it surprised Damian that the Wayne symbol wasn't a Noibat or Noivern (Batman's ace) at first he eventually understood the logic in choosing such a Pokemon to represent the family name. That only made things harder for him being the only one not having one. Did they not truly see him as family?

On the one year anniversary of Damian arriving at The Mannor, his family through a small party. Pennyworth made his favorite foods, The Mannor was decorated in tacky streamers (Graysons' idea) and they watched some of Damian's favorite fims, their Pokemon curled up with them. His father had offered to take the day off from the gym. Until Todd suggested that Damian take on the challengers.

The Gotham gym was part of his heritage. Damian had been training for the day that he could finally help weed out the weak challengers just like his siblings sometimes did (think the battles you do before challenging a gym leader in the games).

On that day, if the challengers agreed to it, their final battle wasn't with Bruce Wayne the Dark Knight but instead his son. Most accepted thinking that it would be an easy win, that they had lucked out in not having to battle one of the stongest Gym Leaders in the League and could still get the Shadow Badge.

Those poor fools.

Damian was only allowed to use Alfred, Titus and Habibi since he used Goliath and Heretic primarily as Rookidee.

Damian fought seven trainers that day in 3v3 fights. Only two of them got the badge.

With the day overwith and the night rising, so did Gothams' protecters.

The night ended with exhausted body's and adrenaline crashes. Damian was ready to slip into a mini coma from the day he had but before he could head upstairs to The Mannor...

"Not so fast baby bat." Graysons' voice called out to him. "We got one more surprise for you."

Damian raised his eyebrow at that. What else could they do? His father came back from the locker rooms where he had been desuiting, it always took him the longest because of his "old man bones" as Todd said.

"Son," his father said "its Wayne tradition to get your first Pokemon when you turn ten years old. I missed that with you." He paused, eyes briefly shifting to the floor before they snapped back on Damian's face. "Luckily there's one tradition we didn't miss. When you've lived at The Mannor for a year or the adoption papers get finalized, I give my children this..."

He pulled a Poke'ball out of his poket and handed to Damian. "Go on son, let them out."

He did

Staring at him was his own Eevee.

---

AN: All of Damian's Pokemon (sans maybe Omni, I'm thinking of leaving her as an Eevee) will eventually evolve. Eventually.

[moostaronce]

Over the Heart

Request: omg that jinsoul one was so cute! can you do one for olivia hye with some angst? thank you!

A/N I’m glad you liked it! I hope this one is to your liking as well.

Pairing: Olivia Hye x Fem Reader

How did things get so screwed up? Just 24 hours ago Hyejoo thought she’d be in your arms right now, not watching you walk away from her in disappointment. In fact, she’s disappointed in herself too. It all started last night when Yeojin went to Sooyoung for advice. A classmate of hers that knew you mentioned that they had seen you on a date to Yeojin since they knew you were friends. Obviously, the maknae is aware that you’re in a relationship with Hyejoo, so she sought Sooyoung’s advice before going straight to Hyejoo. Sooyoung ended up telling her on Yeojin’s behalf.

At first, it didn’t bother her. She told them to mind their business if they didn’t see anything themselves. I mean, why would she listen to something Yeojin’s classmate thought they saw. So She brushed it off and never even brought it up to you. Then, one afternoon Sooyoung came to her again and said that this time she saw you herself and presented Hyejoo with a picture. It was you and a foreign-looking blonde girl laughing together at the cafe that you usually frequent with Hyejoo.

Obviously, now that there was clear evidence the raven-haired girl couldn't help the sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach. How could you do this and still come smile in her face like that? It didn't go as planned though. She wanted to confront you about your alleged affair but she didn't know how to. She thought about how she could approach you but she actually let it fester for almost a week before making any move.

Then came today, only minutes before this exact moment had she looked at you and put forth the accusations. Except now she was the one left crying as you revealed the truth.

"Hyejoo, she's a foreign exchange student at my school. We were language exchanging. She's been teaching me Russian every other day so I can learn it and teach you too and I've been helping her improve her English. I was trying to create another excuse for us to spend time together that BBC wouldn't mind. Is this how little you think of your own girlfriend?"

The hurt in your eyes only moments ago left her dumbfounded. She hated how you looked at her right now. Your beautiful eyes brimming with yet unshed tears and the way you clenched the promise ring that you had put on a necklace and you never took off. But she could actually hear her own heart start cracking in half when you reach up to take it off.

"Wait! J-Jagi you can't be serious. It was a misunderstanding, what are you doing right now?"

Hyejoo could feel sweat beginning to form on her brow and her distress levels were through the roof. You never took your ring off. Never.

"Clearly you can't trust me Hyejoo, maybe we need some time apart. Let's just take a break." You finally unclasp the necklace and place it in the palm of Hyejoo's reluctant hand.

There it was 'Let's take a break.' She had heard from her older members that always meant that it was over without saying it's over. The deflated look on her face must have triggered your affections for her because you gave her one more hug before you turned around.

"It's just a break Hyejoo, not a breakup."

With that, you turned around and began walking away. Hyejoo didn't call out for you she just let the tears fall silently. What could she say? You needed space and she wanted to give you that. She clenches your ring in her hand as hot tears spill from her eyes, effectively blinding her from the sight of your back. The physical symbol of your love, no longer hovering over your heart, where it belongs, but burning itself into the palm of her hand.

When you're gone she returns to the dorms where all of her members are sitting in the living room watching TV. Gowon looks over at the sound of the door but frowns when she sees her friend with tears streaming down her face.

"Hyejoo?" All the members turn to her with worried looks and then a collective gasp is heard when she holds up your necklace for them to see.

"She thinks it's best we take a break." Hyejoo's voice comes out the smallest they've ever heard it. But the two people she didn't even want to look at right now were the first to speak up.

"She wanted a break? After cheating on you with that random girl?" Yeojin practically screamed.

"I oughtta go over there and teach her a lesson myself," Sooyoung grumbled.

"Shut up." She said it so quiet that they almost missed it.

Tensions multiply in the room as the other members spectate what's about to go down. On one hand, Yeojin reads the room and gets quiet immediately. On the other, Sooyoung looks prepared to do battle with the younger girl.

"Excuse me?" Her tone is meant to be intimidating, meant to shut down any further disrespect or argument. It may have worked if she wasn't trying it on Hyejoo of all people.

"I said shut up! Because of you and Yeojin, I may have just lost my girlfriend forever! She wasn't cheating on me, that girl is a foreign exchange student that's living with her family. Now she wants a break but she gave the ring back. Why can't she keep it if she's planning on coming back to me?" With each sentence, her shouting turned into a whimper.

Hyejoo didn't have the strength to walk off and cry in private, so she broke down right there in front of her members. The girls watched in panic and shock as Hyejoo let out a sob that racked her whole body, only pain in her body and mind. Jiwoo was the first to move, she cautiously approached the younger girl and pulled her into a hug. Hyejoo didn't protest. Instead, she clung to her like a lifeline. Heejin approached next to rub her back.

"What exactly did Y/N say? Did she say it's over?" Gowon asked her softly.

"She said it's just a break, not a breakup. But if that's true why give the ring back? And why does it hurt so much?" Her crying has slightly subsided but she makes no moves to pull away from HeeChuu. In fact, having her two affectionate members' warmth around her was kind of soothing. Meanwhile, Sooyoung and Yeojin kept their distance out of fear they might trigger her even more.

"See? Y/N wouldn't have said that if she didn't mean it Hye. Maybe she felt like keeping it on would make her change her mind. I'm sure she just needs to clear her head."

Haseul pats her on the back a few times but the truth is they are all kind of worried. The two of you have never had so much as a mild argument let alone something like this. When she brought you home to meet them for the first time they started joking that Hyejoo would be the first to marry in the group and it would definitely be to you.

"Give her the rest of today and then give her a call in the morning." Jinsoul pet Hyejoo on the head, much to the younger girl's annoyance.

"But she said-" Jinsoul cuts her off.

"I know what she said Joojoo. But it sounds to me like she wants to know you trust her and it couldn't hurt to show her you'll be waiting for her. You are gonna wait right?" Jinsoul's eyebrow quirks up as she asks the question.

"As long as it takes."

"Then show her you don't want to just let her go."

"In fact, if I were you I'd just ask to meet up later this week to talk it over and hopefully cut this break as short as possible." Hyunjin suddenly speaks up.

"That's not a bad idea Hyunjin! Why don't you call her tomorrow afternoon Hye?" Heejin suggests.

"Fine, I'll try it."

That night Hyejoo could hardly sleep. You were supposed to stay over tonight. Be in her arms right this moment spreading your warmth around her and reminding her just how lucky she was to be the one you chose. Though you would definitely say it's the other way around.

By the time morning rolled around Hyejoo had maybe slept an hour. Oddly enough, at least to the others in the living room, she shuffled through the dorm with her pillow until she reached Jiwoo and Heejin's room. She knocks three times before she walks in after hearing Jiwoo's groggy voice. When she enters she sees exactly what she expected. Jiwoo and Heejin cuddled up in Jiwoo's bottom bunk. She could ask for Heejin's empty top bunk but that's not what she wanted right now. As the two girls look up at her in sleepy confusion, they don't make her say it. Heejin stands up while rubbing her eyes and gestures towards Jiwoo's open arms. With very little hesitation she situates her pillow on the bed and climbs into the older girl's embrace before Heejin follows right behind and wraps her arms around Hyejoo too.

There's no denying that this is unusual for all three of them but no one says anything because at least she's finding comfort in not one but two of her members. There was just something so comforting and warm about being in the arms of the two best friends. For one, she knows they care for her, they always look after her even when she isn't in the mood. Maybe it's the emotion from yesterday or maybe she just needs them to know but it's quiet when she mumbles it out and makes the two older girls' hearts melt.

"I love you unnies. Thank you."

They look at each other over Hyejoo's head and smile.

"We love you too Joojoo."

-------------------------------

That afternoon, they sat with Hyejoo while she called you on the phone. As usual, when you weren't busy, you picked up her call on the second ring. It's silence on both ends of the line until she croaks out a vulnerable 'Hey' that you returned with the same energy. She's slightly comforted by Heejin's squeeze on her hand.

"So I know you said you wanted a break but will you meet up with me?" She hears you sigh and say her name but she interrupts with an almost panicked pleading in her voice.

"Y/n, please. I need to see you. I can't accept this break without talking through the problem first. I love you, let me fix it."

You couldn't see her but you could hear the shakiness in her voice. Though you've been together a while now, you don't think you've ever heard her this distraught. But you didn't even really have to think about it because the truth is, you want to see her too.

"Okay." It's practically a whisper but it's all she needs to squeeze Heejin back and perk up a bit, much to the older girl's delight.

"Meet me at our spot?" Her voice holds so much hope that you can't help giggling a little.

"Okay, Hyejoo I'll meet you there tomorrow morning."

"Y/n before you hang up...Can you say it back?" She sounds shy and if you could see how beet red she was from the looks on her member's faces you'd tease the heck out of her.

"I love you too Hyejoo."

With that you end the call, both of you excited to see the other. Vivi comes and pats her on the head with a warm sisterly smile before they are all talking about what she should wear for her meeting with you.

The next morning, she's there about a half-hour early, not wanting to be late and make you feel unimportant. When you arrive you look as beautiful as ever. It starts off awkward with the two of you just looking at each other. Then, you speak up.

"I uh I've missed you. Ya know, even though it's been 2 days." You chuckle, trying to keep it light.

"2 days too long. I missed you too." She deadpans. You're only caught off guard a little but recover quickly.

"I just worry that you don't trust me. You should know by now that I'd never even think about someone else like that."

"I do! It's just that some of the members saw you out with her a few times and it made me nervous. I thought she might be better than me and she is really pretty."

"Jagi I'm sorry but Galina could never. You're the only one and you always will be." You reach across the table and kiss her hand.

"Does this mean break over?" Hyejoo sniffles a little as she holds back tears.

"I don't know yet Hye. I'm still a little disappointed that you think so little of me." Hyejoo hangs her head so you can't see the tears threatening to fall.

"Don't be Y/N unnie!" Suddenly Yeojin is standing over the booth right behind you and you both hear Sooyoung grunt in frustration.

"We came to apologize. Yeojin heard some things and I saw you out. I should've just asked you about it one on one instead of going to Hyejoo. We're sorry Y/N." Sooyoung places a gentle hand on your shoulder and Yeojin nods.

"It was a misunderstanding, I didn't mean to cause problems for you and Hyejoo unnie. Please don't break up with her."

You're still a little shocked by their sudden appearance but you get it together and place your hand on Yeojin's head and give Sooyoung a warm smile.

"Don't apologize. I'm glad you both were looking out for her. That makes me incredibly happy. And I'm not breaking up with anyone. Everything is going to be okay."

Hyejoo looks up at you through her lashes.

"Really?" You almost coo at how adorable your girlfriend looks right now.

"Really." Seeing your smile again gives Hyejoo the warm and fuzzies.

"Then hurry up and put this back on before I get mad."

Before you can really react Hyejoo is clasping your promise ring back around your neck and watching it rest where it always should be. Right over your heart.