#but at least i have a goal in life now
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Is this a safe space to say I liked the bnha epilogue and didn't see anything wrong with it? 🧍🏻♂️it was just a fun little bonus chapter I honestly don't know why people are upset about it
Anyway I love Shouto and I hope he enjoys his bowl and chopstick making classes
#i don't care about ships at all so i don't care what's canon and what's not#i'm very neutral towards izuchaco but then having a crush on each other has been a thing since the beginning#so the status quo didn't change#and some are saying that izuku rejecting bakugo's offer to join his agency is ooc#but i don't think it is at all#izuku's goal was to be a hero and he reached it#also he's literally 25 years old now why would he still want to compete with bakugo for the rest of his life#it was always bakugo whonwas obsessed with competing with him#they still get to work together as heroes which is so special#and izuku found fulfillment as a hero and teacher#i think it's beautiful#my biggest complaint about the ending of mha is how the villains were handled but that has nothing to do with this chapter#it was literally just a fun lighthearted bonus chapter of them all as adults it's mot that serious#idk maybe it's a big deal for people that care about ships but i just do not#and while i would have rathered there be no indications of any relationships#i think the way izuku and ochaco was handled was pretty chill#it just ended with them agreeing that they'd like to talk to get closer and do something for themselves for once#while i won't deny that it was def supposed to be romantic#it leaves it very open ended that if you don't like them together you can just easily headcanon that they try it out then amicably break up#after realizing that they don't work#and you can always headcanon that izuku eventually joins bakugo's agency or whatever#it was a very flexible ending and you can write whatever fanfiction you want with it#at least it didn't end with them married with kids which i would actually really dislike#bnha#my posts#bnha spoilers
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tough pill i have to swallow is realizing that “getting better” doesn’t mean “getting to do more things,” getting better for me means taking better initiative in protecting myself. and THAT means making sure i do LESS things
#sounds kinda obvious but i only just realized it lmao#feels like i have to grieve a lot of my goals now but no one said the healing process would be easy#danbles#and for anyone else that has a disability that prevents them from doing smth#or trauma that makes certain triggers limit their opportunities#or neurotypes that make it harder for them to love smth like they used to#or whatever else#i don’t want to make it sound like you have to give up on the things that make you happy#I’M certainly not going to#but a huge value of mine has always been experiencing everything life had to offer#and everytime that backfires (whether it’s burnout; triggering a flashback; triggering an episode; putting strain on my body; etc)#i always just thought to myself ‘it was bad timing’ or ‘i haven’t gotten better yet’ bc the endgoal was to always get to that point where#i could experience it. i want to try new things all the time. i want to feel normal and be included in everything#but if smth keeps Making Me Feel Bad then maybe there isn’t a version of myself that can take it on#it’s not resilience to put yourself in harm’s way#idk how well i’ll be able to put this into practice tbh. i rly rly like exploring different experiences#even negative ones are valuable to me#but the least i can do for myself is recognize that i might not always be the problem#maybe i’ve already hit the limit on all the self-work i can do. maybe it’s the environment or situation itself that’s the problem#fuuck guys i feel like i’m going thru a stage of grief here why is this shit so hard 💀
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I want to write I want to make girls be weird about each other in MY word docs I want to have creative projects and goals againn :/
#but i am. so tired#i also don't want it to be something i'm forcing myself through because i feel like that always backfires#this year to me has really been about figuring out what is actually important to me and in what ways i can push myself to grow without#sending myself back to square one again#i can kind of feel myself gearing up to create things again and have wants and goals again but it is sooo slow#absolutely everything wipes me out mentally which i guess it always did but now i can like. comprehend it!#i know what is happening in there but i am so clumsy at working around it. i hadn't practiced that a lot before#it's taking like multiple years to recover from stuff that other people seem to recover from easily#it's sooo annoying and it's not really about feeling like i wasted my 20s anymore#i am where i am it was my life and i spent it the way i did so far. i just can't change that#it's more about like Wanting to do so many things and feeling like there is the potential for so much and feeling held back by my own self#there are so many things i want to try now that i'm doing more than bare minimum surviving and it's like i want them all at once#but i can't possibly do them all at least not yet there just is not time or energy or money to do them all right away#i have trouble prioritizing
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Body update: it turns out that after about a year (ish) of trying to eat more healthily and avoiding fast food, my body cannot handle some of the meals I used to enjoy anymore
I had a burger last week at DND and was sick, and I thought it was bc the burger particularly greasy, but then when I ordered from my usual place today (less horrendously greasy but still, you know, a fast food burger) I actually kinda stopped enjoying it three bites in and had to put in some effort to finish it x)
Oh well
#Matt has a life#Shit from home#In other news: couldn't do 2x20mn of walking yesterday cause I had to drive to the post office#and driving a motobike is demanding on the knees#but I did one turn today and everything seems fine#gonna do another set later and see how it goes#and if we can keep that up until next week I'll try and see if we can up it to 1x30mn and 1x20mn#The goal being to be able to walk for at least 40mn at a time before I try going to the gym again#at which point I'll use the running machines to try and walk on a gradually increasing incline#... at this point it might actually be a good idea to see a physio#but I don't like the one I visited before -_-#Edit: other posotive effect of better food and regular exercise: I lost about 4kg since dec. 2022 and am now back around 95#which is much more comfortable for me than where I was before#would I complain about going down to 90kg? no#but I'm 34 and planning on having a baby soon so that doesn't sound likely#especially bc like#diets are a myth#and if my body's ideal weight were 100kg that's where I'd be regardless of diet#so we'll see how that goes#I'm fine with where I'm at rn
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series i’m gatekeeping from my family vs series i’m ✨ok✨ with my family knowing i’m into:
#‘why do you gatekeep hw from your irls?’ well. the thing is. i just ✨don’t want to✨#and. like. i’ve already led my family to believe that i bought bl manga when i was buying idol sengen at animate#so i think im already past the point of no return in that regard. so. um. yeah.#thank you village vanguard for the unexpected μ’s content in 2k24 you truly are yappa saikyou#i s w e a r falling back into my ll phase almost 10 whole years after i first got into it is unexpected tbh#compounded with the fact that i can now actually afford whatever im looking for. so. like. my wallet is in crisis lol#i had just reached my savings goal last month but now i’ve overspent bc i saw great deals on resold honoka-chan hoodies and i couldn’t help—#so now i have 2 identical hoodies lol. but i’ll keep one of them safe in its packaging bc im unwell like that ig#my merch whaling is out of control i s w e a r but my oshis are just too cute aaaaaaaaa#i probably should open another savings account instead… maybe that’d keep my spending under control…#b u t for now honoka-chan jersey im looking for you#tfw ur oshi is decently unpopular amongst the fans so hardly anyone resells her merch lmao#so ig the relatively fewer fellow fans she has are more dedicated to her than fans of other more popular characters lol#but at least her stuff (when resold) isn’t as overpriced as the actually popular members (birb and tomato)#so my wallet isn’t crying as hard as it could’ve been? ig? hunting for almost 10 year old merch is a pain fr though#either way. the grip idol series have on my wallet is truly insane#i wonder how many bags of chips i could’ve bought with the amount i’ve spent on hw and ll merch to date…#at least a thousand… i think. maybe even 2 thousand if my past gacha game whaling is taken into consideration…#…this is probably why it’s important to have a decent paying job ig.#oh well. at least i may be making b a n k this month with how much ot i’ve had to do this week so far…#i hope i won’t have to work till 5am again over the next 2 days… that had been a horrible experience.#help what am i even talking about anymore why am i having a life crisis right here and now u m.#anyways. dni if you dislike honoka-chan. thanks for coming to my crisis rant. see you when the last stage mv drops ig ok byeeeee
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Feeling very "fitz-core" right now (spiraling)
#i have to rethink my entire life#a mix of 'everything is going great u are overthinking it' and 'if you dont change everything about yourself right now you are going to die'#i need to get my shit together this week cuz i have a month to finish 4 group projects before classes start again#and i have to lock in with my susbtack#<- the source of all my joy and anxiety lately#if anyone is wondering someone i follow on susbtack made a post about how if you have two separate niches you have to focus on only one#or you are going to be a failure#and im sure its not About Me but like#i have interacted with this person and we have some intersecting topics#and i think its at least partially about me#which is like??? ok fuck off???#for added context this guy is doing like a big collab thing with other authors and i participated#so i know he knows who i am alright its not a weird parasocial thing#just saying. im probably at least one of the people hes talking about#and this is something that does worry me like i do want to make money off substack thats the goal#but i feel like its too late to be like. ok i wont do any more fantasy stuff cuz now my niche is anime#or viceversa#and id say my substack isnt even two separate niches (fantasy and anime) its like Everything Together#i should die#fitz save me. save me fitz!!!!#also i think im just doing Too Much like maybe i should post less on susbtack but then its like well i need to make it worth it to subscribe#idk man
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i have 2 interviews on monday so im gonna try to just eat so much tomorrow that i literally die
#one is the one from today that i did in fact reschedule bc tbh i don’t want that job and i was so not ready for the interview#bc from the phone interview last week the recruiter was like yeah you’re gonna want to know like the history of the company for the next#interview and reallllly have good star answers and i was like lol ok just kill me#so i wasnt ready and that’s fine now it’s on monday BUT today i got an email for another phone interview from a job that i reeeeeeally want#actually it’s like exactly what i do now but actual hourly pay and benefits which is all i’m looking for#AND it’s 100% remote anywhere whereas the first one which is the finance job that i know nothing about#finance but they have an office in the city i used to live in which is like idk 45 minutes away and is also the city i’m planning to#move back to anyway once i can get the fuck out from under my familys roof#but training is 7 months in office so if i get tht i absolutely have to move bc i will not be driving that for 7 months but if i move it’s#whatever but anyways the second job which is for copy editing which my ultimate goal anyway is to be an editor so this would be sooo good#and such good experience for me and my resume!!! and it’s 100% remote like i said and NO PHONES#the other job is a complete customer service job but i need all these finra licenses and shit and i’m like ok. how am i even supposed to#pass those anyway#but anyways. it’s obvious which job i want but i’m going to go to both interviews just to keep my options open bc i can’t be stupid about#this bc now that student debt forgiveness is completely off the table. lol forever. i’m going to have to start paying that#so anyways. my life is so stressful rn but at least things are starting to come together at least in the job department#well hopefully anyway like watch me get rejected for both 💀
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yet again, i end up making the first time i talk about an au on my tumble be a meme redraw without any context for the au, though it also doubles as both an excuse to figure out how to write in Ancient Tongue and as propaganda for my Naesala is bilingual headcanon the outfit isn't what he wears in the au btw i just felt like being silly oh yeah i'll only do this for my side meme shit for aus with Ancient Tongue, because yes the hypothetical comic will have some of that there, but the text is meant to translate to "Remember when...?" No! I dont remember anything thats ever happened to me!
#myart#fanart#fire emblem#naesala#tellius#meme redraw#Fire Emblem Wrong Bird au#<- yep title of the au and first time im tagging it#i am currently writing the outline for part 1-#-yes part 1 there multiple parts to this-#-of this au and once i finish that i plan to start making some pages for this fancomic#it is going to look badly because i have never done comics before#but who cares?#(i care but not the point)#anyways#my goal is to hopefully get at least the very very beginning done and posted before the end of the year#whether that ends up being the case who knows because both life and fluctuating between what has me in a choke hold#so no promises#also since this is for the au technically Awakening is involved but i aint tagging it cause it aint in the meme this time#yep its an Awakening/Tellius based au#thats all the context you be getting for now
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Just got a calendar notification that says I'm supposed to be on the eastern side of Nebraska right now having fun. Too bad neither my boss nor my cousin's boss allowed it.
#chit chat#work stuff#we canceled this fucking trip#i managed to get time off a few weeks from now but then my aunt canceled and my grandparents canceled#so i have time off but no trip#everything is so dumb all of the time#i wish I could win the lottery so I could actually get a chance to have fun in my life#fanfic is great and all but I want to touch the grass in cool places#not that any part of nebraska is cool per se#but at least omaha has a Renaissance festival#going to a renfest in every state that has them has been a goal for me and my cousin#but fucking. the bosses get to decide if we're allowed to live out lives unfortunately.
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i have one more clip to post but that's being saved until i feel like doing a mild edit. which means it will probably be next week i am On A Schedule right now every single day is being meticulously planned out kjgfhgk (help)
on the bright side, skyblock update. 85% TO FISHING 42 AAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH 💥💥💥
#i just wanna be fishing 45 please send help#long youtube videos save me...#every show i wanna watch requires captions so i cant devote enough attention to reading and playing >:( so im stuck with youtube videos#it's a slow grind but it's been a lot better with my gear upgrades and the new mixin they added :0 i was 0% two or three days ago#and considering i havent been able to play much. THAT'S A LOT OF EXP#goal is fishing 45 by 2024 but i dont think that'll happen. might set my sights for at least 43 i'll take ONE more level#it's going by faster rn with marina but i've been schedule for work her entire term#BUT DERPY IS ABOUT TO BE MAYOR AND IM OFF FOR THE HOLIDAYS WOOOOOO time to grind#i dont go back till wednesday after tomorrow life is beautiful#i'll try to be a little bit social but. can someone please come to my house for once instead of me leaving the house#i am driving All The Time now it's starting to wear me out :(#''wanna come over wanna go do this'' can we hang out here i have a dog who would love to see you#chat
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why the fuck do i miss pigeons
#don't ask me i am going thru it today#ebhehbbehbhebhabh#i miss pigeons dude#oooh the poor little domesticed cuties#kate rambles from here#this is a small detail of the feeling i am feeling#like post leaving nyc is wrecking havoc on my psyche#i don't want to be in the fucking great plains#a few irls don't understand my want for city life- and i didn't know it was this bad until staying there for 4 days-#but my mom's whole family is from the city- i just feel so at home there- and everything i've inherited that way is in my blood#and i just wanna bawl my eyes out#i have been quite a bit but like ik i have a goal now- to move into the city- i've always had that goal to at least move to the city near m#but like nyc was like being somewhere i felt i wanted- it's not that i'm looking to make it big- i miss the noise the water and pigeons#around here you'll hear the occasional car go by- and crickets- i miss the city lights- i keep crying about it for so many reasons but#i just don't know how to actually express it?#because it's such an odd feeling for me to feel? because if yknow me well- i love being at home- i hate sleeping somewhere else-#taking a trip down south this last christmas- i couldn't stand the quiet- it's quieter the more south you go and i can't do this#i've always wanted to leave my small town but ?? like actually being somewhere that has felt home has been unattainable bc every#where in oh hasn't been home... and for once i felt like i could do this- and having to return here- just made me break down and cry#maybe it's the person i live with- that makes me wish to leave- but that's not the full truth- idk maybe a good nap will help#kate rambles#i have a life goal now but i wish i could do it now- i hope sooner rather than later i'll at least live in the city#i've been happily living but now i have a direction i wish to run towards- and i'm gonna chase after it#sure i miss seeing tbz i loved seeing them- but it's not even post concert depression- if that makes sense?#which it doesn't make sense- because for mx it was only pcd- but for nyc it's missing the city... and it feels awful#pls ignore this i just needed to be frustrated somewhere#ig knowing what i'm missing- i can finally work on filling that spot huh? i guess that's what i'll be doing#(also vv small point but the fact that one of the people i live with- refuses to ever visit nyc again- is so comforting to me)#pls don't send me an ask about this i just needed to ramble and i haven't caught up on my daily journal yet to do so- so this is here
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okay google how do i move out of eastern europe but stay in the eu but go somewhere i speak the language but somewhere that has healthcare and somewhere where i dont need to become a construction worker and also somewhere that is not germany. thanks
#i wanna go to aotearoa I've always wanted to but it's so FAR AWAY. also i need somewhere cold also i#love authentic gothic buildings too much to leave europe. but omfggggg#like it's truly so. i dont want to move somewhere where english isnt a main language but the#uk is out and ireland is unlikely and canada is just somewhat nicer french usa and nz is 4 days travel away. blows up#whatever i have 4 semesters of uni left to think about it. it just feels like im#hurtling full speed at the inevitability of living the rest of my life in Germany#i dont want to live in germany idek why but im sooo. like omg nooo 😭😭😭#partly because it's such a cliché but also coz it's such a vacation country for me like we#went there for vacation like. unironically at least 3 times every single year#insert joke abt *getting back at the 10000000000 german tourists that come to hungary every day* that I'm too sleepy to make#it's so . like i used to have a specific goal in mind (uk ☹️) but then SOMEONE had to go and leave the eu#and also the uk sucks fat shit like csöbörből vödörbe omg. but now i have no#real goal so im just drifting w the vague knowledge that any second now I'll have to pack all my#shit up and escape before it's too late. but where 😀😀😀#i have no qualms abt leaving my f*mily behind but I'll miss budapest#and if i left Europe I'd miss it too especially coz even canada feels really far let alone nz which yknow. 3-4 days of travel#it's the lack of goals that's killing me like OMFGG HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO WORK HARD AND#STRIVE FOR SMTG WHEN I HAVE NOTHING SPECIFIC IN MIND...#i mean ''get the fuck out'' is something but it's not Enough. i need to be insane about a#place that's accessible. all the cities/locations im crazy about are inaccessible for one reason or another#bristol and wales are in the uk. nz is on the exact opposite side of the planet. life so sad.#canada is the most likely one honestly but like omgggg. godddddjfdnffnfjfmmf#they should invent a budapest that's not in hungary. they should invent a hungary that isn't comically awful#barking#ok to rb#eastern europe#like im fluent in 3 languages and i can get by in like 10 other ones i Could brush up on any language relatively quickly if it came to that#but it's like. 1. I'd have to pick a location 2. learning a new language also means#getting an entire new personality as well which yknow. idk if i have the capacity for another one rn#i should just become fluent in the ones im somewhat good at but idk which to pick
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bitching abt my partner again so i can get it out of my system and not let it fester
had a Discussion yesterday and i said how i didn't like that i, someone who naturally wakes up early and has to go to bed around 11-midnight to get decent sleep, have been spending the last few months either sleep deprived or forced to use sleeping pills to sleep, when he sleeps in til fucking noon, even on the two days we both have off and can, yk, spend time doing things in the morning together, and then he complains that we never do anything outside (bc we live in florida. anything after noon is just a fucking sauna.)
anyways. i ask if he can start waking up earlier. he says he'll wake up at 10 today. i go, ok, thank you, but what does that prove? that you can do it once? i've been changing my schedule for months. i want to hear that you'll try to do it consistently. (And 10 isn't early anyways, but i didn't say that). he insists he's going to do it. makes sure i see him set an alarm in front of me and everything. so anyways. 10:01 i get a text that he's going to sleep a little more.
man.
#i also asked him to wash his hair more often bc he has REALLY nice long hair but its always fuckin greasy#unless he has some formal performance or i ask him to wash it#and he said hed wash it tonight and like. thanks. but like. can you maybe stsrt doing it without reason or me having to ask you#like a fucking toddler#anyways my hopes arent high#and its so fuckign pathetic that ill be thrilled if i come over to see him and its washed#honestly.#every day im closer and closer to just. breaking up#i love him. i reqlly do#but i think i love what he could be more than what hes actually willing to be#and its so upsetting#bc its judt.#if he says he wants me to do something#i fucking do it#i got a fucking minimum wage soulsucking job bc he said he thought having more steady income and a routine would help me#and it does. but he also complains now when i have to sleep at 9pm so i can get up for morning shifts#but he also complains when i work during the times he has off#and its not like. a controlling way at all. for the record. trust me on that#its just the like. Frustrating way. like suck it up and cope buttercup i am the one who is dealing with more right now.#in that situation at least#this got long but#you see my point#its just. so upsetting.#and again. i love him#i do#hes great in so many aspects and he has the same goals and its all so Good#but. god. fuck.#is this really what i want to deal with for the rest of my life when i know i can be perfectly happy and fulfilled in life without a partne
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Bro last night was so much......... I'm still reeling...... What even.... They gave us so much. I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready. I didn't KNOW.
Hear me out... Poundmates Jo........ Not a party member but maybe helpful. Him looking soft has me so fucked up. Why is Akane alive. Why is she alive bro. Why does Jo know she alive. Why would he- FUCK dude I'm trying to work but all I can think about is 8
i hope we get poundmates jo and we have to do it pokemon style where we have to beat his ass and then catch him <- delusional
#snap chats#SOOOO many questions....#we were all right akane IS In Fact a bamf for slipping away from the yakuza#why do i feel like she's going to die tho. women dont last long in this franchise and if they do its a miracle#but idk no woman died in y7.... auspicious things me thinks...#please ichi cant lose anyone else. tho i am sus of jo's longevity if solely just because of ttm's career goals...#i mean if jo was willing to research arakawa its only logical he'd stumble upon akane and info about her so#jo's morality is weird. he was cool with putting a baby in a locker but the second he realizes the consequences he spends his life atoning#tho that kids gone now aint it.... guess he's trying to mend the damage he did to akane and ichi ??#or at the very least wants to try to make up for the fact ichi didnt get to be raised by arakawa because of his dumbass#idk i dont know how his brain works we'll just have to see !!!!
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If anyone heard me talk about some of my 'takes' on inclusivity/diversity headcanons, they would think of me as an asshole- but it's not because I don't want/enjoy/indulge in diversity/inclusivity headcanons, it's because you FOOLS the PERFECT candidate is right THERE!!
#this is lighthearted#and mostly jokingly said#I get people give their blorbos projection headcanons and that is so valid of them#but I am a godawful annoyance when it comes to adhering to canon#if I wanted a character to be transfem she/they/fae I would not pick the most bland clown guy on the planet#I really like diversity headcanons that build up the story instead of contradicting it#like tiger and bunny#everbody makes Barnaby a trans guy- okay I guess he's a little on the femmeish side if you squint#but homeboy didn't have a PERSONALITY outside of [his parent's death]#he was asked on screen what he wanted to do after avenging his parents and he basically said that was his only goal in life#now contrarily#Kotetsu T. Kaburagi doesn't have a conflicting childhood#all he has is a kid right?#in season one at least we never got any shots of his wife pregnant with Kanade#so I raise you:#Kotetsu and his wife were t4t and just forgot how ''straight'' couples actually were since they were both in love with each other#Kotetsu carried Kaide but his wife ended up doing most of the childwork since Kotetsu wanted to be able to provide for his family#EITHER his T interfered with his ability to ''mother'' Kaide (for lack of better word)#or Kaide knows that he father was the one who carried her into term and she just didn't question it because why would she?#it's funny AND it can fit into canon if you bs enough#I have no problem with making characters post canon trans#(most of the time I am also sometimes just A Little Hater)#transmasc mafuyu my beloved he is my son#sometimes I am just a little hater though and they be like 'I headcanon this Boy Of All Boys as transfem post canon'#and I am like 'so they realized they were performing masculinity the whole time?' No... 'so... they were repressing their true identity?'#Of course not! 'but they still transed tho...?' Yes! Duh. 'why the change in heart?'#stoic abused boy from a neglectful household is transmasc of his own will? when he couldn't even even pick put his favorite food?#no stoic abused child was ''forced'' to live as a boy because his father was sexist comes to realize that he enjoys being 'seen as a boy'#some headcanons remind me of that 'Remmy the rat is trans' fan joke/theory#anyways I just really like my trans!Kotetsu idea even if I don't strictly headcanon it
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GUESS WHO FINALLY CONVINCED HIS PARENTS TO LET HIM DELETE A MASSIVELY BATTERY-DRAINING, CONSTANTLY-MALFUNCTIONING PARENTAL CONTROLS VPN THAT HAD BEEN ON HIS PHONE FOR ≥6 YEARS!!!!!
#I am a WHOLE ADULT & it STILL took negotiating with my parents that I'll pursue Life Goals for this basic freedom but this is still a Win#TIL that whenever I told my parents what a dysfunctional battery-drain qustodio is mom assumed I was lying to convince her to get rid of it#or at the very least greatly exaggerating. but nope it was really that shitty (and really easy to work around)#that shit used to delete all apps except factory default EVERY NIGHT & return them to the home screen in the morning completely disorganized#it also blocked any websites or apps my parents hadn't whitelisted and imposed time limits on the ones they had#all this time I've had to use tumblr by turning the vpn off every minute or so when it automatically switches back on. hellish#even now I keep habitually checking if it's on before I hit post to make sure my typing won't just be lost#another perk is that I don't have to worry about my parents seeing every website I go to or search term I search#they can still see all my texts and get notifications when I text a number they haven't approved but who cares lol#I'm free!!!#mossy’s musings
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