#but also wow tumblr. breaking on the first day of the new year. way to go.

[kattythingz]

Time to expose myself as a dragon girl. Edling httyd/rtte au be upon ye!!! Happy new year!!!

This art is pretty representative of my growth as an artist this year, given I officially started my art journey January 2024! It's insanely wild how much I've grown and improved since then; comparing this version to my very first doodles for au is uh... very illuminating, to say the least.

Close-ups and au lore under the cut as always, and thank you to everyone who's supported me the past year! <3

Starting off with our main cast and their dragons! We've got:

Ling -> Lan Fan (albino night fury) ♀️

Ed -> Sunbane (deadly nadder) ♀️

Al -> Socks (prickleboggle) ♂️

Winry -> Sledge (egg biter) ♂️

Paninya -> Rumble & Tumble (hideous zippleback) ♂️

Russell -> Victoria (devilish dervin) ♀️

Most of the gang are from the diverse village of Xing, but the Resembool trio are sanctuary-seekers after a violent dragon raid destroyed Resembool when they were kids and the Rockbells and Trisha died in the aftermath. Winry still had Granny to raise her in their new home of Xing, but Ed & Al, alone, were adopted by the Curtises. They regard Izumi as their mother over the years and eventually take on her family name at 16 (hyphenated. Elric-Curtis) and get her creed tattooed at 18.

Ling is technically the heir to Xing's Chiefdom, but he has no actual interest in the position, not like Mei does. She might be his younger half-sister but she's more commonly regarded as the "heir". This allows Ling the freedom to fuck off to the Edge without consequences lmao.

(He doesn't lose a leg in this au so much as he gets horribly scarred by the fire on his arms; Lan Fan still loses a tailfin. Ed loses his leg protecting Al from a wild dragon as kids.)

Now, as for the dragon hunters... those are obv the homunculi.

Envy serves as early stage Dagur; Greed is INTRODUCED as Ryker, kidnapping Sunbane from Ed and everything (great first impression there), but later becomes post-redemption Dagur thanks to proving his trustworthiness to Ed in "Enemy of my Enemy"; Lust serves as Heather, Greed's sister and Ed's close friend; and Bradley is Viggo, matching Ling's wits in an eerie parallel that steadily tests Ling's temperance.

(Greed and Lust relatively match the gang's ages. Lust was 19 when she met the 16 y/o gang; she never made any advances like Heather, but she was still sus enough that Ed disliked her at first. Envy's—the same age as the gang probably, tbh, given their whole asshole energy. Bradley's still old tho. Ha.)

Team Mustang come in as the Defenders of the Wing, the Riders' first allies, and the Wing Maidens... are the Wing Maidens. Honestly, they're exactly the same but Rose and Noah are part of them lmao. Ed particularly takes a liking to them, because they serve as his genderqueer awakening! He realizes during "Snotlout's Angels", while posing as a woman to save Russell's ass from becoming sacred soup, that he doesn't mind being perceived as a woman and being called she/her. He still personally perceives himself as a man and as he/him, but if his friends want to use she/her? Call him a woman? Call a friendly "have fun, ladies!" at his, Rose, and Noah's collective backs? He doesn't mind at all.

Russell is weird about it at first but mostly out of ignorance. For all his jackassery, he is still a friend and does his (awkward) best to understand Ed's deal. He's also def dealing with unrequited feelings for Ed.

(Mustang is also weird about this, but that's just because he's old and very very confused with the youth. The rest of the team sans Hawkeye is quite fond of calling Ed "little lady" [akin to their canon "boss"] in light of his new gender expression though, and Ed is actually pretty pleased by the nickname. A rare instance where a "short" synonym doesn't irk him.)

Despite his status as a Rider, Ed's actually still pretty distrustful of wild dragons; they did still cause the loss of his leg as a kid. Nevertheless, he's always the first to support Ling in his crazy dragon training endeavors. He carries Izumi's spear as his favored weapon, handed down to him as a gift for dragon killing training initially. He also used to carry a basic but beloved knife that he sadly loses during an episode. Ling makes up for this loss by making his betrothal gift a knife, knowing Ed would prefer a practical gift in the first place.

He forges it himself, as Fu's old apprentice and now a capable blacksmith of his own. He was always capable, technically, but he was also pretty often distracted by his big fat crush on Ed when they were kids, so... he's got a few accidents on public record. This laughably leads to Ed randomly being banned from the forge sometimes just so Ling can focus on his work. Context that is not given to Ed until years later when he and Ed are courting.

And, speaking of courting! Ed used to wear Trisha's kransen as a kid, uncaring that it was "for girls" (insert transfemme egg meme) and that he was judged for it. It was his mothers so he was gonna wear it, damn it. Ling was one of the rare few to never judge Ed for this. When Ed loses his kransen to Envy or sth in a Riders of Berk episode, Ling secretly goes through hell to get it back for him. When he hands it back to Ed, he asks no explanation as to why Ed "cares so much about a girl's accessory" (*cough* Russell *cough*), and simply says, if it's important to Ed then that's all he needs to know.

Ling, oblivious mf that he is, is shocked when he earns a spontaneous hug for this trouble.

Ed later takes to wearing the kransen just around his wrist. He says it's because he's much more confident in his place in Xing now, but he never mentions that it's partially cuz... he feels whatever he has with Ling doesn't really count as "unmarried" anymore.

But Ling doesn't need to know that for a long, long time.

Ed and Russell are basically a one-to-one of Astrid and Snotlout, only Russell is a little less of a dickhead than Riders of Berk Snotlout; he puts his foot in his mouth cuz he's a dumb teenager with a dumb unrequited crush. He and Ed generally refer to each other by last name (friendly rivalry and all), but they've been known to use first names in genuine moments. Russell also notably asks if Ed would like to be called by "Curtis" after he takes on Izumi's name, at which Ed shakes his head and says it's fine to keep things as they are between them.

They've come a long way since their relationship in "Fright of Passage", when Russell, like Snotlout, initially took free jabs at Ed's family name because everyone knows the story of when Izumi Curtis froze against the Flightmare. Izumi's long gotten over those rumors, but Ed was determined to regain her honor and predictably lost his temper with Russell at that comment. That was largely their relationship before Russell got his shit together.

Ed and Al are often confused for twins by the hunters, and they're close as ever on the daily. However, their biggest fight happens when they discover that Hohenheim made the Dragon Eye. Ed and Al have two different reactions at this news: Al is astounded that Hoho was a hunter and is disappointed at the fact... and Ed couldn't care less. Ex-hunter or not, the guy is still a deadbeat.

Al is of a much more forgiving opinion of Hoho, having been two years younger than Ed and thus remembering less of the man who abandoned them and their mother.

They get into an argument over this. The entire gang is stunned.

The fight is bad enough that, in "A Ruff Transition", when a baby razorwhip (Moonshade!! <3) takes a liking to Ed on Wing Maiden Island and he has to train her for a bit, the gang actually wonders if Ed will abandon them for the Maidens. Since he seemed to have so much fun with Rose, Noah, and the rest, nothing like his previous anger and stress after his and Al's fight.

Ling is the only one who doesn't think this, reassuring them calmly that Ed just needs time to cool down and have fun. And he's proven correct! Ed's hurt to discover the gang had doubted him so easily, but Ling hadn't, and the aftermath of that episode leaves things between Ed and co. (sans Ling) a little strained until Al can apologize.

(Moonshade later tracks down Ed in a separate future episode, and she becomes a resident of the Edge, much to the male Riders' initial misfortune lmao.)

Aaaaand that's where my notes weirdly end. I've got a ton more "episode" ideas but that's all the coherent stuff. Bless you if you read this far. As a treat, have a useless fun fact: Ed's dragon names are all based on poisons. Sunbane -> henbane, and Moonshade -> nightshade. Winry's dragon name is an obv pun about sledgehammers, Al's name is a repurposed cat one, yes the gang makes fun of him for this, and Russell just likes classic names and Victoria is a classy name for a classy lady, Elric, can it.

Ling just made the obv canon cold rice pun lmao.

[whrthewindgoes]

This is my first fic, this will be a lengthy, slow burn kind of series if all goes well. I��ve had this story idea for quite some time and I’m very nervous to finally post it! I also don’t know what I’m doing with Tumblr, so bear with me! Please be kind ☺️ I’m looking forward to writing this series. 18+ only, minors do NOT interact.

Third Wheel

Series Summary: After a terrible break up with your boyfriend of 5 years, you plan a long visit to Cincinnati to visit your cousin Ja’Marr. This was meant to be a time to catch up and make up for lost time, but no one could predict you’d fall in love with his long time friend and teammate.

Chapter Summary: You arrive in Ohio for the first time, excited and anxious for everything to come.

Series Warnings: Angst, mentions of anxiety, mentions of cheating, fluff, smut, alcohol, weed (that’s all I can think of right now!)

Chapter Warnings: Angst and anxiety

Prologue

You could barely contain your excitement when your oversized luggage hit the ground after picking it up from the airport turnstile. You rolled your bag away in a hurry, weary of the time as your cousin had been waiting at the arrivals area for quite some time after your delayed flight. You took a deep breath, walking swiftly through the very busy airport on this cloudy Saturday morning. It was March in the midwest, and while it wasn’t the coldest— the warm, sunny weather hadn’t come to stay just yet. You were dressed in yoga pants with your cozy tan Uggs, and an olive green oversized hoodie. Your curly hair was in a messy bun, allowing your best facial features to be highlighted on display.

You stopped in your tracks to pull your phone out of your pocket, quickly opening your messaging app to text, “Just got my bag! Where are you?!” You headed to the nearest exit, stepping out of the door. You looked from left to right at all of the cars that were lined up in the arrivals area, none of the vehicles striking familiarity to you. “Hey, over here Kenz!” You jogged your way over to your cousin Ja’Marr, slightly surprised at how much he had changed since you last saw him. “Oh my god, Marr!!!” You embraced each other in a tight hug, both of you taken by surprise at how much the other has changed physically. Ja’Marr was your first cousin on your mom’s side, and you grew up extremely close, as you both were the only child. Although you both had many blatant differences, especially with you being from a mixed family, you and Ja’Marr always saw eye to eye and were two teas in a pod. Ja’Marr was a couple of years younger than you, but he always acted like a big brother to you. However, life got in the way and as you went off to college, you barely had the time to see each other anymore. Weekly visits turned into monthly visits, monthly visits turned into yearly visits around the holidays. With each of you on your own paths, it was hard not get swept away by all life had to offer. Ja’Marr grabbed your luggage and loaded it into the open trunk of his luxury car. “Wow, things sure have changed huh? You’ve come a long way from that old beat up Nissan!” You giggled and closed the trunk of the car, making your way to the passenger’s side and hopping in the front seat of the car. “Aye, that Nissan got us where we needed to go! I didn’t hear you complaining back then.” Ja’Marr said as he got into the car, closing his door and lowering the volume on the radio so he could hear you better. “I miss those days so much, we had so many good memories in that car”. You put your sunglasses on and buckled your seat belt, the anxiety creeping in on the future that was to come.

This was your first time in Ohio, so everything was fresh and new to you. You were born and raised in Louisiana, and while you had traveled somewhat, Ohio was never exactly on your radar to visit until now. You were in desperate need of a change, still processing a break up that happened 8 months prior with someone you thought was the love of your life. It felt like the 5 years you spent with your ex was thrown out of the window in a matter of a few seconds. You sighed and tucked a few stray curls behind your ear, Ja’Marr instantly noticing the tension within you. “You good, Kenz?” He briefly looked to his right at you before turning back to look at the busy road ahead. “I’m good…” you intently paused while thinking whether or not you wanted to open up the emotional baggage that you had been storing away for months. “We may not hang out as much as we used to, but I can tell when you’re lying a mile away. What’s up?” Ja’Marr hit the off button on the radio, completely encasing the car in utter silence while he waited for you to open up. “I don’t know…I had this whole idea of how life would be for me at this point. I’m almost 27, I thought I’d be married and on my way to having kids. Now I’m practically moving in with my cousin, in a completely new state. It almost feels like I’m starting over, and it’s terrifying.” Ja’Marr heard from your parents how tough the break up had been for you, and how isolated it had caused you to become from the rest of your family and friends. You had always been close to your parents, but when you shut them out, they couldn’t help but continuously recommend a change of scenery for you. They had been in constant contact with Ja’Marr for months discussing you, Ja’Marr not thinking twice when your mother recommended you come for a visit. Ja’Marr insisted that you stay for a while since it had been quite some time since you two had one on one time together. Ja’Marr was finally at a place in his career where he felt secure with little to no distractions, and you working remotely allowed you to be anywhere at any time, so it was kind of perfect.

You were lost in your thoughts, instantly triggered by the conversation and recalling your conversation with your parents. “Mackenzie, you know we love you but we are seriously worried about you. I haven’t seen you hang out with any of your friends in months. Not even Jade, you guys are usually attached to the hip.” Jade was your high school best friend, the two of you would go off to college together at Tulane University and remain inseparable, at least until recently. “I told you dad, I DON’T want to talk about Jade. Her and I are no longer friends, now please—drop it.” You shot a look at both your mom and dad, grabbing the keys to your car and slamming the door on your way out of your childhood home.

Your cousin chimed in, pulling you out of your thoughts, “Kenzie, you need to stop being so hard on yourself. You can’t predict the future and you sure as hell can’t predict some bitch ass dude betraying you. I hate that I get the feeling you blame yourself for what happened.” Ja’Marr was right, you definitely took partial blame for the betrayal. But even with you taking partial blame, it was still almost impossible to talk about. You had been working with a therapist since college, and that was the only person who knew the full scenario with you and your ex. Even then, it took you months to be able to even discuss the smallest details of what went down. “I honestly just want to put it all behind me. This is a chance for a fresh new start for me, and I want everyone to stop pressing me about what happened. I’m not going backwards here.” You shot an irritated look at him, but he took that as a clue to drop the subject, willing to do anything to make you feel comfortable on your first day in town. “I get it, anyway I’m just happy you’re here. We have a few months before I have to get back to work, so that leaves us time to do anything you want. Just let me know what you have in mind.” He grabbed his sunglasses from the center console and put them on as you gave him a slight smile. “Thanks again for inviting me to stay with you, I know I’m impeding on your bachelor pad.” You chuckled, thinking of how awkward things could get if he decided to bring a date to his house while you were there. “You know, that hadn’t even crossed my mind. I think I’m just excited to have my cousin around, you know you’ve always been like a sister to me. What’s mine is yours!” You couldn’t help but feel the excitement creep back in, as you imagined all of the opportunities this time in a new state could bring. You were also excited to reconnect with Ja’Marr and hear all of the things you’ve missed out on in his life.

He turned up the radio, both of you singing along to songs on his playlist as you made your way to his house in the quaint and gated neighborhood. After what seemed like the longest drive after all your back and forth thoughts and emotions, you pulled into the driveway, your eyes going wide at the beautiful home in front of you. “Wow…I knew things were different for you, but I didn't know you had it like that!” You said sarcastically, freeing yourself from the seatbelt and quickly hoping out of the car while Ja’Marr followed suit. “I’ve done alright for myself, if I do say so.” The trunk opened and he grabbed your luggage, grimacing and giving you a puzzling look. “What the hell did you pack in here anyway?!” You tilted your head toward him responding, “Oh that’s nothing. This is just to get me started, my parents are sending the rest of my things in the next few weeks!” You shut the trunk behind him, following behind as he led you up to the front door. “You can’t be serious, remind me what I’ve gotten myself into again” He laughed, punching in the security code to his keyless entry. You both entered the large home, you being instantly stunned by how clean it was, considering he didn’t used to be the neatest person you knew. There were pictures of him in college with his friends and teammates, scattered along the hallway wall. As you stepped further in, he rolled your bag along the hallway, stopping once reaching the back of the home. “I’ll put your bag in here. This was going to be the guest room, but I’ve never had use for it, so it’s yours now.” You quietly stepped into the spacious room, making note of the king sized bed with plenty of pillows. There was a large window which allowed for a ton of natural sunlight, and plenty of fresh plants. You noticed the suite also had it’s own bathroom, equipped with both a walk in shower and large bath tub. When you walked further in, you spotted the closet in the back corner, “Holy shit, is this JUST the closet?!” Your eyes went wide and you immediately flicked the light switch on, spotting several shelves to put your things, and plenty of space to hang your clothes. You were in utter shock, and you felt way out of your element. While you didn’t grow up poor, you weren’t exactly well off either. All you could think about was how you wouldn’t have nearly enough things to fill up all of the space on the shelves. The situation began to feel overwhelming again, and you couldn’t help but have second thoughts of whether or not you made the right choice in coming here. There was also no discussion of exactly how long you’d stay, so this lingered in your mind as you stepped out of the closet. Ja’Marr stood to the side, allowing you time to take everything in and get acquainted. He noticed you suddenly went quiet, the excitement in your face replaced by weariness. “Hey, Ja’Marr…how lon—“ He quickly cut you off before you could even finish your sentence. “You can stay as long as you want, you know that.” He gave a slight smile at the look of relief on your face when he gave you an answer. Even though you guys weren’t as close as you were when you were growing up, he could still read your mind and know when something was off. “I can’t thank you enough. If you feel like I’m overstaying my welcome or getting in your way, please just tell me and I’m on the first flight back home!” You said, sitting on the plush and comfy bed. “Please, Kenzie. I’m glad to have you, it’ll be nice to have someone here to keep me company. Seriously. I’m used to being here by myself all the time that it can get lonely.” He gave a smile of reassurance and walked toward the doorway, “I’ll give you some time to get comfortable, know you had a long night of traveling. Just yell if you need anything.” You smiled back and replied, “Thanks, I’m definitely taking a nap once I unpack.” You said as he stepped out of the room, giving you some space. You sighed deeply and laid back amongst the bed and pillows. You could not wait to see where this new adventure would take you.

Hope you all enjoyed! I’ll get the next part up within the next week hopefully 💕

[lovedumb]

ᡣ𐭩.ᐟ⋆˚࿔ welcome 2 my blog 𝜗𝜚˚ᡣ𐭩.ᐟ

Hulloooooo! my name is lucky ! ok, not actually…. bad start lying to u all.. but thats what u can call me on here! i consider myself to be an exceedingly lucky individual ! :3 this is a little intro post to help you to get to know the dog behind the blog. 🐾🐾

im nineteen years old, but i’ll be twenty in march which is cool and also super scary. i am nonbinary, autistic, and a lesbian (wow tumblr is perfect for me) & i loveeee my girlfriend (chronically offline, no tumblr, sadface) & im from southern california!

ive never really maintained a blog before but it’s been a goal of mine for a long time, and since my goal for 2025 is to try and work towards my most authentic self & pamper myself to the fullest. plus i’ve been wanting new hobbies for quiiiite some time. for the most part i spend most of my time reorganizing my room or hanging out with my girlfriend, and i spend most of my day on my phone since im mid job-hunt right now. i work at a seasonal arts & crafts festival & i love to draw, paint, sculpt, make jewelry, and im learning how to sew!

the plan for this blog is to be a progress tracker, i want to watch myself grow into the person i know i deserve to become. i want to build better habits for myself, adopt new ways of living and rid myself of ways that no longer serve me. i want my twenties to be beautiful, and i want to have a way to look back on these years. and if anyone happens to stumble across my corner of the internet, maybe ill inspire them to want better for themself too.

i want a consistent routine. ive never had the discipline for it but discipline is a choice not a feeling and i have to choose to want better for myself if i want to break the cycles i was born into. skincare and shower routine and haircare and cleaning my space and eating better and sleeping well. ive been working on a lot of these habits already for a few months now and im really proud of how far ive come from when i was in highschool. since im not in college yet i want to ensure i keep myself learning.

i love learning and reading. i have a small collection of books on lesbianism and kink from the late 1980s-early 2000s that are my pride and joy. i also really want to document the process of me trying to get back on HRT & back into therapy this year. all things self improvement you catch my drift.

skincare & self care in general has also been a recent obsession, i grew up never being taught how to show myself love and ive realized nothing makes me feel better than a clean body, clean outfit, and a clean mind. living on my own and having to take care of myself for the first time, i want to make my life softer than its ever been before.

something i wish to achieve with this blog includes inevitably moving this to my own website rather than something hosted by tumblr, i have a longstanding passion for web design and it would be really fun to document the journey on here alongside building a blog creating a website for!!! though this is an exceedingly longterm goal, i think it is worth putting it to paper (ive heard this makes things real faster.. i think if something’s gonna hapen its gonna happen, wether its on paper or not, but i like the idea nonetheless…)

ok ive been typing so long my paws are starting to hurt, thank u for reading this longwided introduction to me, some stranger on the internet who u know slightly more about than u did a few minutes ago. i hope you are well, give urself a big hug for me, and go eat a snack if you’re able to.

tags i use: love lucky 🍀, la la lucky

ੈ✩‧₊˚ love, lucky 🫖

[just-my-latest-hyperfixation]

I was tagged by @medusapelagia, thx love ❤️

January

My year truly started with a bang. I published the first chapter of Hic sunt dracones on January 16th, and was immediately blown away by the wave of positive feedback. I was still very new to the fandom, had just gotten back into writing after a 15yr break, and had never dreamed of this sort of reaction. I didn't know it then, of course, but HSD would go on to become my fic of the year and probably the one I'm best known for. 🐉❤️

February

Didn’t publish anything new, but continued working on my WIPs and signed up for the @steddiebang

March

Finished Someone who cares and got a bunch of lovely comments. I had been writing it since October 2022, publishing it since early December. The first-ever fic I finished, the first I ever shared publicly, the one that rekindled my passion for writing, and still one I'm immensely proud of. 👪❤️

Started working on my BB fic (You got me) in the palm of your hand 

April

Published See you in a crown, which got over 700 hits in the first 24 hours. Feral bathroom mirror sex with added tiara really seemed to do it for a lot of ppl. 🤣💕

May

Didn’t publish anything new, but was hella busy with my WIPs. 

June

Published Someone like you, a bonus chapter to Someone who cares. 

Also trembled my way through the BB claims weekend and ended up with not one, but two lovely artists, @xgumiho and @peachypurr. 💕

July

Finished Hic sunt dracones (on the day of the big AO3 blackout no less), cried over the lovely comments and the fucking FANART

Wrote my first microfic for the @steddiemicrofic challenge, found it sooo hard. 🤣

Started writing Just add water and Possession 

August

Published Just add water, which was such a feel-good fic for me. I loved writing it, it always put me in a good mood. 🧜‍♂️❤️

September

Published the first chapter of Possession 🦇

Also wrote three Microfics for the “charm” prompt ✨️

October:

Published (You got me) in the palm of your hand throughout the month. The feedback was lovely, and so many ppl told me how they remembered me from the claims sheets! 🔮

Finished Just add water. Was honestly sad to let it go, even though I only worked on it for a little more than 2 months.

November:

Continued working on Possession

Also wrote a lot for the @steddieholidaydrabbles and developed the first ideas for a longer fic and art project based on Blast to the past/The kings's gift together with @house-of-the-moving-image

December

Published Let me be good to you, a sequel to See you in a crown

Published the holiday drabbles, which was such fun! ❄️❤️ Ended up with exactly 50 published works for 2023, wow!!

Next year: 

I'll Finish Possession some time in March or April if everything goes according to plan 

I've got two fics for the ST Reverse Big Bang coming up in March, which are keeping me very busy rn

Turn Blast to the Past into a chaptered fic and art project, together with @house-of-the-moving-image 

I'll also probably hit 1k followers on tumblr early this year and have something special planned, so stay tuned! 🥰

No pressure tags: @penny00dreadful, @rainbow-nerdss, @sourw0lfs, @wynnyfryd, @aidaronan

[athenaalexandria]

I’ve also been thinking about ableism in America. Did you know researchers who taught sign language to chimps didn’t actually know sign language itself. They just took floating signs and modified them for ape hands and gave this new language spoken grammar. So not only are we saying that sign language isn’t a language and not respecting it, but we are also trying to force animals to communicate our way when really we should be trying to learn how to communicate their way. Like this is why so many neurotypicals are AWFUL pet owners. They don’t listen to their pet because they refuse to learn how and so even though they may love their pet they still hurt them in a myriad of ways simply because they refuse to understand that animals aren’t people and also aren’t toys but their own unique creature with their own unique communication.

Also continuing on the ableism side, why is it that when I am so depressed I want to go on a sewer slide and have to leave work for a few months, everyone’s first question is when I’ll be back to work. Not if I’m ok, not how they can help, but when I’ll be better and can get back to labor. Also there are companies that exist purely to say “you don’t deserve this time off so we won’t be giving you your pittance to live off of while you are sick”. It’s almost as bad as health insurance.

Also, why do people always assume the worst of your words? They never give the benefit of the doubt. They find the worst possible reading of your words and go off of that. Like I express frustration around getting my ADHD meds, and I get yelled at for wanting addicts to die. Like what??? Or I want to share a fun thing I made, and I get “called out” for advertising and being a shill. Like no we were talking about TikTok, I made a TikTok I was proud of that was getting traction and wanted to share my joy, and I get shut down.

Also I hold grudges for so long. Like these things happened 2 years ago and I’m still mad about it. I have to fight off the urge to message these people to this day. I blame being a Pisces because I’m hilarious.

I’ve been failed by nearly everyone in my life so consistently and egregiously that I don’t think I will ever be able to live a normal life. I am forever dealing with the consequences of other people’s choices on how they treated me, and that hurts more than the original acts themselves. Cutting off contact with parents cut my souls into ribbons. My “friends” only spending time with me out of pity cracked my mind. The crushing loneliness broke my body. And I was only 10. I’m a shriveled version of what I could have been. I don’t dislike who I have become, but I will never be thankful for the pain I’ve been through. Trauma doesn’t have silver linings, damage isn’t good, it’s just pain. You could have been who you are now with no hurt.

Anyways I’m really high, and I’ve been battling the realization that I might have DID or OSDD or something and I’ve been feeling a lot of emotions especially since I’m back on my HRT again. Not sure what this is but honestly I’m using tumblr as a diary at this point and that’s ok with me. I like the idea that nobody sees these posts so I can vent with the chance that maybe one day someone will stumble upon my blog diary thing as like an archeological find. Like oh wow here’s some ancient writings from a transgender lesbian with chronic pain and many mental disabilities! What a rare find!

Oh also I meant to bring up therapy is great but you have to show your cracks so they can put bandaids on and teach you the exercises to heal the breaks.

Plagiarism is bad, I’m sleepy? Goodnight

[blazehedgehog]

Thoughts on One Piece?

I've told this story, but since Tumblr search is so awful, I'll tell it again.

The short of it is: I really wanted to get into One Piece. When One Piece started, pirates weren't really a subject you saw a whole lot of in anime. I thought Oda's art style was fresh and cool, too.

I did not like dealing with fansubs. They were kind of difficult to acquire (relatively), and at the time, I had a router that would absolutely crap its pants if I left a torrent running (it would have a firmware crash and all internet traffic would die until you power cycled the device). So the Kaizoku stuff was right out for me from the start.

I forget which came first, the 4Kids dub or Viz launching American Shonen Jump with their version One Piece. I think the 4Kids dub was first, because I remember being angry at Viz for adopting "Zolo" instead of "Zoro." Either way, I was angry about the 4Kids dub, but I was lucky enough to pick up the entire first 12 months of Shonen Jump, and figured that's where I'd start with One Piece.

Didn't have the money to keep buying new Jumps past that first year, so I figured I'd have to slum it with scanlations at least. I believe I left off in the back half of Baratie, and the only scanlations I could find from that part of the manga were like, truly awful quality. I have described them as "third generation Yahoo Groups quality scans." They were dark, blurry, heavily compressed, and the dialog was barely a step above an automated machine translation. I almost wish I could find them again, because it was nasty.

Around this time I think Funimation announced they wrestled the rights to One Piece away from the decaying hands of 4Kids, so I was happy to wait for that. We subscribed to Netflix in those days, the original DVD-by-mail service, so I'd rent each new set as they came out. Got all the way up through Baratie, up through Arlong Park, up to where they visit and prepare to leave Loguetown.

I think by the time the DVDs hit the fifth set, I ran into a problem: physical rental locations like Blockbuster had hard rental deadlines. You had to bring the disc (or tape) back in a day or two. Netflix, famously, had no rental deadlines. Keep things as long as you like.

While I had no trouble getting 1-4, some clown got set 5 before I could, and sat on it. For over a year. I complained to Netflix, and Netflix just shrugged at me.

Within a year or two of that, Funimation officially launched a One Piece website, like my memory is saying it was onepiece.com or something (which it isn't, that's a clothing store), but the point was they were announcing they were going to simulcast subs of the anime, for free, on this site. They were also adding dub episodes to this site, again, to stream for free. Back then, this was pretty unprecedented. Hulu was only a few years old at this point.

I figured: wow! Now's my chance! Go to check the website and...

The free episodes ended at the exact same point I left off at with the Netflix DVDs. Episode 53. It went from Dub Episode 53 straight to Sub Episode 230, which is where the simulcast began. Looking at Funimation's current site, this is what they consider "Season 1."

So I earmarked it. "Maybe I can finish it some day."

Some day never came. One Piece is over 1000 chapters (100 volumes) and 1000 episodes. There is over 430 hours of One Piece available to watch. The manga is so big people have talked about it taking up an entire shelving unit. I even saw photos once of somebody who had their shelf break because their One Piece collection was so heavy.

It took me over a year to read 16 volumes of the original Dragon Ball. There are almost ten times as many volumes of One Piece.

I have given up. I will never read it. Never watch it. Never see it. It's great that it's this amazing thing, truly this long journey, but even at 500 chapters it would have been too much.

Even if I wanted to, it's grown to be such a thing that when something happens in the anime or the manga, there are instantly spoilers for it all over the entire internet. 107 volumes of that is pretty disheartening.

I know about One Pace. One Pace is still too long. Some of those videos are over 20 hours. For a single video. And One Pace still has gaps in their coverage anyway.

It's just not happening.

[sakurawolf-23]

Toward the end of June, I deleted my Tumblr due to harassment. I should have just taken a break or deactivated it since I chose to come back. Shocking, considering my feelings toward this place. I was upset because one of the people who has issues with me over things I said/did/believed four years ago, came up with the wild accusation that I was lying about my mom and brother's place catching on fire. I was less hurt that anyone would believe that and more upset that...Wow. There are actually people in this world who would lie about such things?

Here's an update on that, though. It was mostly me doing all the cleanup. My mom and brother work most of the time, though she tries to help on her days off. Dad couldn't be around the smoke smell due to his weakened lungs from cancer treatments. He also couldn't do much because of the heat. Temps over 85F/29C take a toll on him. But I managed to get their portion of the house thrown away. It took about seven four-foot dumpsters and fourteen small trash cans.

The next step is to knock down the roof on that side of the house, and then we get to focus on the other side. Yeah, all of that time and energy for one half. Well, plus cleaning out the basement. Everything down there had water damage from the firefighters putting it out.

I've been hyper-fixated on Diablo IV this season. I got Tormented Grigorie down half last night (in two minutes, lol), so I've got a bit of a way to go, but I'm almost there! I also FINALLY beat the Raiden Training in Genshin, so I can move on in the storyline. And I've got 5200 Primos saved up so far for Mavuika!

Twitch Studio on my PC stopped working, so I had to find something else. I'm now using Prism Live, which lets me stream on up to six sites for free. So now you can find me on Kick, Twitch, and YouTube as SakuraWolf23!

I did, in fact, switch my Facebook gaming page over to also include crocheting and drawing, as I'm going to let SakuraWolf23 be the name I'm recognized by in those communities as well. Not much crocheting has been posted yet, but there will be as soon as I have more free time and energy to return to it.

I'm still streaming on Mon/Fri nights at 5.30 PST, but I hope to return to my MWF schedule soon or add a fourth day! Maybe even an every-two-day thing or something. I just enjoy it a lot and want to do it more.

Currently working on the next chapter of my Guardians of Sanctuary fanfic. You can still find me as SamanthaNBishop on Archive of our Own and Wattpad, but I decided to reactivate my Quotev, so I'm there as well now. I let go of Reedsy after reading more into their terms and conditions. But I'll still use the prompts there to get ideas.

While away from here, I polished up four short stories. I still have about ten more to revise and ten or so to write, and then I'll be looking to publish my first short story collection!

I'll also restart my thing, where I share my opinions about books, movies, games, etc. Interesting parts, life lessons, or scenes that evoke a strong emotion in me. Thinking of calling it Magical New World or something similar just to have the acronym MNW.

At the moment, I can't think of anything else I need to update on or speak about. So I guess that's it. Sorry for the long post!

[drac-onion]

Back at it again. A year since I posted Beneath Her Mask. Same thing as last time. Fun facts or just looking back at something I done did write once upon a time exactly a year ago.

This is going to be very "stream of consciousness" and probably hard to read, but here goes.

First off, wow that title sucks. I came up with it like right before posting and then rolled with it. Nowadays I would put off uploading something for MONTHS if I couldn't figure out an original and interesting title. Oops.

Anyway, this one is a lot better than the last one. Promise. The whole thing is a little bit iffy still, but I was very new. The formatting is the main issue I have with. The concept is...fine, although I think I could have gone a little bit further with and then lead into where this one starts. Ya know, inform the reader as to the situation that lead to Makoto's desire to keep everything to herself? But I kinda made it ambiguous on purpose. Good thing I didn't have to follow up on this a few months later... Oh wait. The stakes were just: awkward. No gay panic (like the tags say, oops), no internalized anything, no worries over team cohesion with members of the PTs dating, none of that. If I would ever go back and rewrite this (don't fucking tempt me) I would definitely expand on things a lot more. But hey, I probably shouldn't try and go back and fix all my old stuff. I'd never get anything done otherwise.

Oh yeah, Makoto's "113 decibel alarm clock" is a real thing. I actually have one. I sleep through every other alarm clock out there. The thing is so good, it will actually scare you awake. Pretty nice. (If probably a little too loud for apartment living in Japan where the walls are very thin.)

Oh yeah, and the tense a few times. Annoying.

I dunno why I made it three chapters. It's just over 3.5k words. That would have been fine to keep as a single chapter one-shot, but I think I just had a hard time with having scenes switch mid-chapter. Chapters are a good way to signal a scene switch, but nowadays I'll just use a line break and go with it. I've just improved as a writer, I think, and so now my old mistakes bug the shit out of me.

If I named all the issues I had, I'd be here all day. So, what did I get right with this? I think the concept is alright. The dialogue is good at points. The scene in Leblanc is pretty good. Good guy Sojiro being cool with lesbians (very cool of him). And the text convos at the end are also pretty okay. The "out of your league" comment still gets me for some reason. It's kinda funny.

Also I made a custom dialogue option for Akira, referencing the very first thing he says at the beginning of the story. I think it turned out okay. (I'd like to do more art/edits relevant to my writing. I've thought about making cover/chapter art for my current project. I guess we'll see how I'm feeling. A little wattpad-y of me, but it'd be interesting.)

I'm just now realizing that I should've made the "third option" a little cheeky. Maybe something like "Come here often?" or whatever. Ah well. Next time.

So, overall? It's an improvement. It's not perfect, but it was the second thing I'd ever written. (Once again, I don't count the RE one. I should probably anon it tbh.)

Anyway, that was something. The next "retrospective" (I guess that's what these are now) will be on Beneath Their Masks.

That one is a doozy, and I think I'm going to have a decent amount to say about it. It's also really long, so that's also a thing I'm gonna have to worry about. I'll probably do that on 10/1 because that's when I posted the first chapter. Maybe I'll have enough time to write up mini retrospectives for each chapter? And then post those throughout October? That could be interesting. And tiring. But still, interesting. I could pull the original upload dates since I made a tumblr in between ACIFT and BHM. Although those are going to be VERY spaced out, especially near the end. So much for doing a month's worth of prompts WITHIN the month. But I'll save all my whining for when those go up.

Also, shoutouts again to my beta at the time, @makomaki5. I hope you're doing well.

Anyway, I think that's about it. See ya.

[creative-anxious-soul]

another October on tumblr

what can i say....? where can i start? i sure as hell don't know! one thing i DO know for the first time in a very long time is that i am... happy. which is wow who knew? me? little ol 'hope is a dangerous thing for a woman like me' me? but yes.

its shocking because its almost as if i don't know how i got here, but i actually do (again, for once!) I worked so hard and went through so much to get exactly where i am now. idk where my life's past events will lead me to next, but i have major faith in the unknown.

i am so smart, capable, dependable, and beautiful.

I have so much to say about the amazing love of my life Nash, and how much growth and abundance he has chosen to give to me. how we've worked together from day one to acquire things we both want out of our lives, and also helping one another acquire those things we want that have nothing to do with each other or anyone else, simply because seeing each other happy makes us feel the same. I cant wait to see every thing more we accomplish together, the first step being getting cozy in our brand new home <3

enough about him though - because thats not what this is about. i have transcended past the point of being happy and fulfilled only by the state of my current romantic relationship (feeling very secure and golden in mine definitely helps im sure)

over the last year or so i have noticed such deep and enigmatic change within myself, i dont quite understand it but i do know that it feels good. ive spent so many years now battling and thinking about my old self and how i can get back to her but i slowly learned i am never going to get her back. because i am going to get so so so much better than that.

i am going to get the girl whose spirit is curious beyond compare, and realistic to a fault. who dreams very large and has goals so big they could be delusions. i am going to get the girl that used to be those things PLUS the girl that was hurt along the way. plus the girl that was used, abused, tarnished, robbed, raped, and drained. plus the woman that was used, abused, raped, and drained. plus the woman who loved so hard she couldnt see. plus the woman who refused to settle and made plans to break free. plus the woman who sits here now typing this spiel.

i will never be the person i was again and i am so so so grateful for that. she had a lot more about life to learn, and unfortunately the hard way at times. but also the great way. the unbelievable, magical, i will persist no matter what way.

whats next for me is....ME! and a lot of it.

[infinitefolklore]

Okay there are soooo many reblogs here, and I'm new to tumblr so hopefully people can find my answers! Thank you @crazy-ache for tagging me! Also I don't know any other fanfic writers on here besides the ones who have already been tagged (I think), so feel free to reblog and answer the questions if you haven't already!

🍓 How did you get into writing fanfiction?

Wow, it was such a long time ago. I would say back when Harry Potter first came out, I was on the official WB website message boards called the Dialogue Centre posting Hermione/Draco fanfics. My most unhinged fic back then was Dumbledore hosting the Bachelorette TV show at Hogwarts and Hermione was the bachelorette! Then I stepped away from fandoms for a bit until Twilight came out, and I was back on my bullshit. But instead of writing fics, I'd be roleplaying on message boards. I also did some Harry Potter roleplaying and AU fandom mash up roleplaying. Also some Gossip Girl, magical creatures, witches, type of stuff. Again, took a break and came back to fanfic when I first read ACOTAR. I became obsessed with Elucien and have been writing fanfic again ever since.

🍇 How many fandoms have you written in?

If we're also counting roleplaying: Harry Potter, Twilight, Gossip Girl, Supernatural, ACOTAR. I have a few Resident Evil things I wanna write too.

🍈 How many years have you been writing fanfiction?

A WHILE lol... about 20 years off and on

🍅 Do you read or write more fanfiction?

I'd say it's about equal! When I enter a new fandom, I normally read a bunch of fanfics at first and then I get the itch to write my own stuff and then I'm unstoppable xD

🍌 What is one way you've improved as a writer?

I think my overall writing skills have improved in general. Lots of writing equals lots of practice. I also took some writing courses in high school and college which helped a lot!

🍑 Do you have any bad habits as a writer?

I'm not sure if I have any? Maybe getting too obsessed and writing TOO much and avoiding other tasks.

🍉 What's your favorite type of comment to receive on your work?

I love when people give me examples of their favorite parts of the fic. I also feel very honored when people say my writing sounds like the author wrote it. Also when people comment that they have come back to reread something over and over again.

🍋 What is something you've been too nervous or intimidated to write but would love to write one day?

Nothing really! If anything I'm nervous about putting my own personal work out there. I've written the first book of a series and I'm in the process of querying agents!

🍇 What made you choose your username?

I wanted something writer-y. I liked the idea of having infinite story ideas always in my head. And maybe a little inspired by Taylor Swift. I also wanted it to be something that could work across fandoms for when I start branching out to others.

Answer the questions and tag five fanfiction authors you know!

Thank you @metalbvcky. NPT for @mrs-illyrian-baby @doasyoudesireandlive @km-ffluv @labella420

🍓 How did you get into writing fanfiction?

As a teen I was a voracious reader and tried to write my own stuff based on other books I'd read. I also loved ST:TNG and wanted dearly to be in an episode and had lots of the books. I wrote my own ST stories with OC's (gratuitous self inserts), but they never went anywhere. In my late teens I read some Xena fanfic on the internet. But that was it for a great number of years.

At the beginning of 2021 I sat and watched the entirety of the MCU films in chronological order (I'd seen most of them before and was mainly a Thor gal.) I fell down the Stucky rabbithole. Deep. I decided to look up fanfic. AO3 was now a thing! I wrote (a very poor) Stucky fic and here we are, almost 3 years later

🍇How many fandoms have you written in?

As my ST stuff never made it further than my parent's old PC in the days of dial-up, I won't count it.

I've written for MCU, various Chris Evans and Seb Stan Characters and one fic for RWRB. I've been toying with writing a one-off Criminal Minds fic as a gift for a friend.

🍈How many years have you been writing fanfiction?

Three in July since I first published anything on AO3.

🍎Do you read or write more fanfiction?

I try to balance it out. If I have a period of hyperfocus writing I try to then go through a period of reading. I read on both Tumblr and AO3, so try to keep that even as well.

🍌What is one way you've improved as a writer?

Getting betas to pick me up on tense changes, overuse of words and rogue commas. Reading more. Practising. Writing outlines for longer stories so I don't go off-piste.

🍑Do you have any bad habits as a writer?

Getting bored half-way through a long fic, especially if the first few parts haven't had a lot of interaction. Which is why I try to write the whole thing before I start posting.

🍍 What's the weirdest topic you researched for a writing project?

Engineering courses at MIT and, for a separate fic, Violet wands, including the ways to use them and the differnt types of accessories you can use with them. I even watched a Youtube video.

🍉What's your favourite type of comment to receive on your work?

Any comment! Anything that gives me the validation I need!

🍐What's the most fringe trope/topic you write about?

I wrote a transformation into Tsum-tsum fic that was both cracky and smutty. That's pretty niche.

🥭What is the hardest type of story for you to write?

Action scenes. I loathe them. I'm constantly wondering if they are long enough, and make sense.

🍏What is the easiest type?

Short things that are either PWP or fluffy slices of life.

🍑Where do you do your writing? What platform? When?

Mainly on my elderly laptop on G-Docs, and in every moment I can - normally afterwork before dinner and on Mondays when I don't have work.

🍋What is something you've been too nervous/intimidated to write, but would love to write one day?

There are a few characters and ships I haven't written that I'd like to. And I suppose I'd like to write a proper long, over 100k fic at some point.

🍇 what made you choose your username?

When I made my AO3 account I felt as though that at 40, and only really starting in Fandom in this way, I was late to the party, so that is who I became.

[hockey-fics]

Always You ~ Matthew Tkachuk 

Summary: No matter how many times you tried you were never able to officially end the relationship you had you with Matt. 

Word Count: ~9.5k

Warnings: implied smut, references to an abusive relationship. 

A/N: I’ve been gone from Tumblr for so long that I literally don’t even know if people read hockey fics anymore but I’ve been bored and wanting to write so I’m going to post it anyway. 

Matt was your first everything. 

He was your first serious boyfriend, the boy in your ninth grade English class who made your stomach flutter and your cheeks flush every time he looked in your direction. He asked you to the movies beside your locker after school one Friday afternoon and you barely knew how to say yes. 

He was your first kiss, on the picnic table beside the school on your lunch break. And maybe it wasn’t the most romantic moment. You had been caught off guard, not knowing what to do with your lips or your hands or hell, any other part of your body. But somehow it was still perfect. 

He took your virginity two years later. Your parents were out for a date night and you invited Matt over, spending the entire first half of the day hyping yourself up to finally do it. And it was awkward and clumsy and you were a little disappointed when you didn’t suddenly feel like a brand new person after losing your virginity. But you wouldn’t have traded it for any other experience, because you were with Matt and he made you feel safe and comfortable and you loved him so incredibly much for a sixteen year old. 

The two of you went to every school dance together. You watched him play hockey every chance you got. You told each other every little secret about your lives, all your hopes and dreams and fears and regrets. You spent countless summer nights lying on the grass and counting the stars, making wishes you knew would never come true. He would sneak into your bedroom window late at night as often as he could and when he didn’t your bed seemed to feel just a little less comfortable. 

You two were supposed to be together. That’s what everyone said, that’s what you two always thought. Four years together couldn’t just be thrown away, couldn’t just mean nothing. 

That was until the last few months of your senior year of high school. You had received your letter of acceptance from Stanford in April. Your dream school, the one acceptance that you wanted more than anything but expected not to get. There it was, right in front of you. Yet you didn’t tell Matt about it for weeks. You couldn’t. It meant you would be leaving him. But you also knew that Matt would be leaving too. With the NHL draft just months away the clock was quickly counting down on the time you two realistically had left. 

You told him in the car, on the way to the movie he was taking you to see one Saturday night. 

“I’m going to Stanford.” The two of you were stopped at a red light, your head facing forward the entire time you said it, not bringing yourself to look Matt in the eyes. 

Matt turned his head to look at you, silent for a second before a quiet, “what?”

“I got accepted,” you replied, voice wavering slightly. “I’m moving to California in September, Matt.”

“I, um, California…wow, I guess, I, um, congratulations,” he stammered, eyes still focused on you. 

You watched as the red light turns to green, counting to ten in your head as you sat there, not moving. “Matt, the light,” you whispered, finally turning your head to look at him. And when you did you noticed the glossy layer over his eyes. 

You didn’t go to the movie that night. The two of you drove to one of your favourite lookouts, sat on the grassy patch and stared at the lights of the city as you talked about your futures. Finally you came to a decision. One last summer. One final, incredible summer and then the two of you would go your separate ways. Long distance never works, especially for such a long amount of time. 

And it was a good summer, at least for the most part. Because amongst the great times there were the moments of realization that it was all ending soon. 

But it didn’t end, at least not fully. Because the first time you were both back in town you two couldn’t stay away from each other. 

November 23, 2016

You feel your phone vibrate against your stomach while you were laying on the couch in your family home, back for the week for Thanksgiving break. Picking it up your eyes focus on the name on your screen. ‘Matt’ and right beside it was the little red heart you had yet to bring yourself to get rid of. It wasn’t surprising to see his name, you two had been talking since the summer, keeping up with all the new things happening in your lives. It was the words that were surprising ‘you’re home?’

Quickly unlocking your phone you type your answer immediately. ‘For thanksgiving, how did you know that?’

The three dots appear on the bottom of your screen immediately. ‘you haven’t blocked me from seeing your snap stories yet lol’ 

‘I forgot I posted that on there’ ‘I would never block you’ 

‘until you get a new boyfriend’ 

Rolling your eyes you sit up on the couch, tugging the blanket up with you. The blanket Matt had bought you one Christmas and you refused to use any blanket since. ‘Still won’t block you, I’ll make you see it all’ 

‘you’re kinda mean now’ ‘but what are you doing tomorrow night?’

‘I don’t know, haven’t thought that far ahead, why?’

‘come watch my game’ 

You feel your heart begin to hammer reading those words and your shaky hands fumble to press the call button on your phone. 

“Hi baby,” Matt answers, the same way he always answered your calls, even now, months after your breakup. 

“Where are you?” You ask, too eager to start with small talk. 

“We just landed in St. Louis, heading to the hotel with the team now,” Matt says, his voice light and cheerful. “You going to come to my game?”

“Matt,” you croak, your eyes welling with tears. 

“Hey, woah, are you crying?”

Giggling you reach up, wiping the moisture from your eyes. “No,” you lie, your voice giving it away immediately. 

“I didn’t think you’d hate the idea that much, you don’t have to come,” Matt jokes. 

“No, I want to. I just,” you say, trailing off as you stare down at the blanket on your lap. “I miss you so much, I didn’t think, I didn’t think I would get to see you again.”

“Ever?” 

“I don’t know,” you whisper.

“Well I knew that wasn’t going to happen. We’re just about to get to the hotel though, I’ll text you about the tickets for tomorrow, okay?”

“Okay,” you tell him, smiling softly. “I love you.” You hadn’t really meant to say it, the words came out of your mouth before you even knew what you were saying. But you still meant them and in that moment you didn’t even try to take them back. 

“I love you too.”

You had a hard time falling asleep that night, tossing and turning and thinking about the next day. Thinking about Matt. Thinking about telling him you loved him, that he had said it back. When you woke up the next morning you were filled with a giddy excitement, racing downstairs to find your mom in the kitchen making coffee. 

“Good morning,” you tell her cheerfully, resting your elbows on the countertop and watching her turn around to look at you skeptically. 

“A little energetic for eight in the morning aren’t we? What are you so happy about?”

“I’m going to see Matt play tonight,” you tell her, sliding onto the barstool that was beside you. 

“He’s in town?” She asks, her voice skeptical. “You two are still talking?”

“Yeah, he um, he told me yesterday. We still talk a bit,” you mumble, feeling a sudden wave of defensiveness wash over your body. 

“I thought you two broke up? I thought that’s why you spent the last week of the summer crying on the couch.”

“I-,” you begin, eyes widening as you stare at her. “Why are you like, mad at me about this?”

“I’m not mad,” your mom breathes out, pouring two mugs of coffee. Walking over she sets one down in front of you. “But it’s only going to hurt more if you keep drawing this out and I don’t want to see you get hurt. You’re at Stanford now, you’re doing amazing in your classes, you’re meeting new people. Don’t let being hung up on a boy stop you from experiencing new things.”

“He’s not just some boy, mom,” you retort, fingers running over the hot side of the mug in front of you. “I still love him.”

“I know, and I’m sure you will for a long time and it’s going to hurt. It’s going to hurt a lot, but if you don’t deal with that now it’s only going to get worse.”

Swallowing heavily you feel the sting of tears in your eyes. “I don’t want to to lose him…I can’t. I can’t lose him when I still love him this much.”

A heavy sigh comes from your mom before she walks around the kitchen to stand beside you, pulling you into a tight hug. “Okay,” she whispers. “Whatever you feel like you need to do, I’m here for you.”

Later that day you were sitting in the stands of Enterprise Center watching the game with Matt’s family. For so long Matt’s family had become like a second family to you and now that you were with them again it felt like you were right back where you had been just months ago. 

You watched the Flames beat the Blues that night and even though you spent your entire life cheering for the Blues you were elated. You made your way out to your mom’s car that you had borrowed for the night, parked next to Matt’s family. 

“Matt isn’t leaving till tomorrow,” Brady says after the rest of his family had gotten into their car. 

You drop your hand from the door handle of your mom’s car, letting the door half close again. “Okay,” you say quietly, drawing the word out as you stare at Brady. 

“You should try try to see him tonight.” Brady glances back into the car, stepping a little closer to you. “He’ll kill me for telling you this so don’t tell him I said anything, but he’s still in love with you.”

Smiling softly your eyes drop to the ground for a second. “I know, Brady,” you whisper. “I’m still in love with him too.”

“No, he’s like really still in love with you, just as in love with you as he used to be. He talks about you all the time,” Brady clarifies. “Don’t get me wrong, you’re like a sister to me and I care about you and all but I would love to be able to talk to my brother without you coming up just once.”

You can’t help but giggle at his last comment, leaning over and giving him a quick hug. “I’ll call him.” Pulling back you reach over and open your car door. “Thank you…and sorry for being the topic of your conversations,” you tease as you get into the driver’s seat. 

“Just go cheer him up.”

“Ew,” you whine, shaking your head. 

“That’s not what I meant,” Brady calls as you close the door, chuckling. 

Pulling out of the arena parking lot you drive to the lookout you and Matt used to hang out at when you were in your last year of high school. Sighing you put the car in park, staring blankly at the view in front of you. Your mom’s words were fighting against what Brady had just told you. Maybe it would be easier to walk away now, it would hurt more now. But would it be less painful in the long run? 

Eventually you turn the car back on, your eyes burning with the threat of tears. By the time you get back to the house you’re almost sobbing, the driveway a safe haven where you let it all out. You don’t even know how much time has passed until your mom is pulling the car door open and tugging you out and into her arms. “You’ll be alright, I know it hurts now.”

Matt left the next morning with nothing more than a congratulations text from you. You got a text from Brady that evening, asking what happened. All you could manage to tell him was that you needed some space. You couldn’t bring yourself to tell him that you loved Matt too much to keep stringing yourself along like that. 

December 24, 2016

“Thank you,” you say, collecting the bag of last minute gifts. 

“Merry Christmas Eve,” the young girl behind the till says cheerfully. 

Smiling you say a polite ‘you too’ before leaving the store and stepping back into the chaos of the last minute shopping at the mall. 

“Y/N?”

Whirling around you come face to face with the one boy you had spent the last four months thinking about. “Matt,” you whisper, taking a few steps closer to him. Your body is on autopilot as you wrap your arms around him, body immediately melting into him. 

“Hi baby,” he whispers in your ear, arms wrapped around you, tugging you closer against him. The sound of him calling you baby still made your eyes well up with tears. “Doing your Christmas shopping?”

Sniffling softly you pull back, blinking away the tears. “Just some last minute stuff.”

Glancing down you notice Matt’s empty hands. “Have you even started?”

“I just got home a couple hours ago,” Matt tells you, chuckling. “I don’t know what to get anyone,” he admits. 

“Do you need help?” You offer, having helped him with birthday and Christmas presents for his family for many years. 

Matt reaches over, pulling you back into his arms, pressing his lips to your forehead as he does so. “Yes, please,” he chuckles. 

You spent the rest of the afternoon helping Matt pick out presents. It all felt so comfortable, like you hadn’t spent four months away from each other. 

“Are you just going home now?” Matt asks, standing beside your car after you pull all your bags into the trunk. 

Looking up at him you shrug. “I was going to.”

“So you don’t want to come home and help me wrap all these presents?” 

Giggling you look at Matt’s hands, full of bags. “You are terrible at wrapping presents.”

“So are you going to help me?”

“Yeah, I’ll meet you at your house,” you tell him, opening your car door and getting in. 

You’re at Matt’s house in twenty minutes, pulling into the driveway behind him. Walking into the house you follow Matt down the familiar hallway, your eyes falling on Brady laying on the couch. “Hey,” you say with a smile. 

He stands up quickly, confusion clear on his face. Walking over he gives you a quick hug. “What are you two doing?”

“I’m helping Matt wrap his Christmas presents.” Stepping back you look up at Brady, noticing the skeptical look on his face. 

“Are you two…back together?” 

Glancing over your shoulder at Matt for a second you look back to Brady, shaking your head. “No, we’re just, um, hanging out.”

“Hanging out,” Brady repeats, nodding slowly. “Well have fun…just hanging out.”

“Don’t be weird,” you whine, turning around to follow Matt upstairs to his old bedroom. 

“Sorry he-,” Matt starts, closing the door. 

“-thinks we’re still in love with each other?” You interrupt, looking up at Matt with a soft smile. You’re standing right in front of him, his back pressed against his closed bedroom door. 

Matt stares down at you, his eyes contemplative for a moment. Finally he opens his mouth to break the tense silence in the room. “He knows I’m still in love with you,” he corrects. 

Swallowing heavily your eyes dart down to Matt’s lips, body gravitating a little closer. “You are?”

“Of course I am.” His fingers lightly graze against yours, folding over them a moment later and tugging you closer. “Can I?” Matt whispers, staring at your lips. 

“Yes.” And before you even finish the saying the word you’re leaning up onto your tiptoes, your hand resting on the front of his shoulder. 

Matt presses his lips to yours quickly, kissing you eagerly as he sets his hand on your waist, tugging your body into his. Your arms are thrown over his shoulders a moment later, one hand on the back of his neck. His skin is warm against yours and you’re tugging at his shirt a second later, a sudden urge to be as close to him as possible. 

“Fuck,” Matt mutters against your lips. 

“Hm?” You hum, pulling back, chest rising and falling heavy and fast. 

“It’s just been awhile,” Matt chuckles. 

“Awhile since-,” you begin before realizing what he meant, pressing your body tighter against the bulge in his pants. “Oh,” you say with a smile. 

“Sorry,” Matt laughs, avoiding eye contact. 

Shaking your head you reach up, fingers under his jaw as you turn his head to look at you. “Don’t be,” you tell him. “I feel the same way, it’s just not as obvious.”

“I can tell,” Matt chuckles, leaning down and kissing you gently. 

Scoffing you pull back, staring up at him. “What do you mean?”

“We were together for four years, I know when you want it.”

Leaning up you bring your lips close to his again. “So what are you going to do about that?”

Reaching down Matt wraps his arms around your waist, lifting you up and carrying you to the bed. “Matt,” you giggle as he leans down, bringing his lips to your neck. 

“We don’t have to do anything, if you don’t want to,” Matt tells you, hovering over you on the familiar bed. 

Pressing your hands onto his shoulders you push him over and onto the bed beside you, rolling yourself over to straddle him. “I thought you said you knew when I wanted it.”

Matt chuckles, his hands running underneath the back of your shirt, hands grasping your sides and pulling you down closer. “I want to hear you say it.”

Pressing your lips to his you roll your hips forward. “I want you, Matt.”

“You’re so fucking hot,” Matt groans, his hands on your hips as he flips you over to your back. And he knew exactly what to do, exactly how make you moan and whimper, to make you beg him for exactly what you wanted.

Rolling off of Matt, body flushed and breathing heavy you watch him take off the condom as you tug the blanket over your naked body.  When Matt returns to the bed you shuffle closer, resting your head on his shoulder, fingers drawing random shapes on his bare chest. “I missed that,” you whisper. 

“Sleeping with me?” Matt jokes, his hand running along your back. 

“Well, yeah, that. But also just…having sex.”

Matt’s fingers stop moving and he turns his head to look at you. “You haven’t…”

“Slept with anyone else? No,” you tell him. “Have, um, have you?”

Matt is quiet for a moment, his head turned to stare straight at the ceiling now. “Well…like, it never meant anything, I just, you know…”

You try to swallow the lump in your throat, you vision blurring with tears as you shift away from Matt on the bed. “Oh,” you whisper, sitting up and staring at the wall in front of you. 

“I’m sorry, baby, but we were-“ 

“We were broken up, I know, Matt,” you mutter, tossing the blanket off your body. “Don’t apologize.”

As you swing your legs off the edge of the bed Matt reaches over, grabbing your hand. “I’m sorry, wait, it didn’t mean anything. I didn’t even like it, baby, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you, I didn’t think we were going to be doing this again, I just-“

“Matt, stop,” you exclaim, shaking your arm away from his grasp. Standing up you begin yanking your clothes on, sniffling quietly and blinking quickly in a futile attempt to hide your tears. “You have nothing to apologize for. We were broken up, we’re still broken up. This didn’t mean anything either so just forget it, okay?”

“Hey, hey, hey,” Matt says, scrambling out of bed as he yanks on his boxers. “What do you mean? Fuck, I just told you I still love you and you’re going to say this meant nothing?”

“I have to go.” Grabbing your purse off the ground you swing it over your shoulder, hand on the doorknob yanking it open a moment later. You race down the stairs faster than you ever have before, your teary eyes meeting with Brady’s as you get to the living room. All he has to do is say your name before the tears begin rolling down your face. Shaking your head you use your sleeve to wipe your eyes. “Sorry, I can’t talk,” you mutter before Brady has the chance to ask anymore questions. 

And with that you were on your way out of the house, into your car and back to your house before you could let yourself completely fall apart. When you walked through the front door your mom let you fall apart in her arms about Matthew yet again, promising you that everything would be okay, again. 

June 2, 2017

The water in the hot tub was warm against your skin, the can of cider cold against your lips. You didn’t know what time it was anymore and you sure didn’t care enough to ask. You were home for the summer and for the first time in ten months you weren’t worried about a school project or an upcoming exam. 

Most of your friends were all back for the summer too and you were so happy to feel like you were back at home. 

“Don’t you dare,” you laugh, grabbing Alex’s arm as he threatens to pour his ice cold beer onto you. “You wouldn’t waste your alcohol anyway,” you add, pushing him away. 

“It’s fucking Natty Light, don’t think I won’t waste a couple bucks.”

“To what? Make me miserable?” you joke, sliding away from him in the hot tub. 

Alex chuckles, giving in and leaning against the back of the hot tub. “Matt would kill me anyway, nobody can do anything to his girl,” he mutters under his breath before taking a swig of his beer. 

“What?” You ask, voice wavering as you stare at Alex. 

“Matt’s here,” he tells you, eyebrows raising. “Shit, you didn’t know. He was inside when I went to grab another beer.”

You glance over at the sliding glass door, watching as Matt walks through it with impeccable timing. You let out a shaky breath, pressing your hands into the side of the hot tub as you climb out, grabbing your towel off the chair next to you. After Christmas your conversations with Matt became less frequent. You only ever replied to every few messages and you tried so hard to distance yourself from him. 

“Y/N,” Matt says, walking towards you with conviction. 

“Hi,” you say, wrapping your damp body with the beach towel. “I didn’t know you would be here.”

“I didn’t know you would be here,” he echoes. “Did you not want to see me?”

“I didn’t say that,” you mutter, fiddling with the edge of the towel. “Are you home for the summer?”

“A couple months, yeah.”

Nodding you look around, trying to find some distraction to give yourself enough time to compose yourself. “That’s good…nice, that you get to, um, spend time with your family and all,” you stammer, stepping away from him. “I have to go.”

You begin to spin around but before you have the chance to go anywhere Matt has your hand in his, pulling you back to face him. “No, I’m not letting you walk away without talking to me this time. I did it at Christmas and I’ve regretted it ever since.”

“What do you want me to say, Matt?” You ask, shaking your head. “That I still loved you in December? That I hadn’t even kissed another guy at that point? That deep down I was still hoping that somehow, someway we could be together? Like we still had a shot,” you snap, ripping your hand out of his. “If that’s what you wanted to hear then there you go.”

Matt glances around, noticing the few people in the backyard staring at the two of you now. “I didn’t, fuck, I don’t know,” he whispers, stepping closer as if there was any hope of keeping the conversation on the down low now. “I’m sorry about Christmas, I should have told you before we slept together. But I want to know about now.”

“Now what?”

Matt takes a deep breath, shrugging. “What are your feelings now?”

“You think I’m still fucking in love with you?” You ask, sniffling softly. “Because I’m not,” you lie, stepping around him and heading inside. 

You’re heading down the hallway with your clothes to change out of your bikini when you sense someone following you. Glancing back you see Matt walking quickly towards you. “You mean it?”

“That I don’t love you anymore?” You ask, pushing the bathroom door open. 

“Yeah,” Matt answers, leaning against the door frame and watching you set your clothes down on the counter. 

“It doesn’t really matter,” you tell him, reaching around behind your back and yanking at the string of your bikini, wishing you hadn’t double knotted it. It probably would have been easier to deal with accidentally flashing your friends than fumbling to untie it now in front of Matt.  

“Here,” Matt says, stepping into the bathroom and standing behind you. His fingers quickly undo the knot on your bikini, his eyes moving up to look at you through the mirror. You can feel the tension building as you stare at each other uncertainly. “Do you?”

“I think so,” you finally whisper, turning around to look up at him. 

Matt nods, leaning down till his lips were hovering over yours. “Me too.”

Bringing your hand to the back of his neck you press your lips to his, kissing him desperately. You had been with other guys this time, you had tried different things, met new people. But nothing ever felt as good as being with Matt. Keeping your lips pressed to his you fumble your way to the bathroom door, pushing it shut and locking it. 

The summer felt much like your last, most days spent with Matt. You would have beach days with your friends, partying many of the nights away. Some mornings you two would go for runs before the day became too hot and then the two of you would sit around in one of your backyards, taking turns under the shade of the umbrella so your skin wouldn’t burn too bad. You would spend nights curled up in bed, watching countless episodes of shows on Netflix or starting movies you never finished before becoming distracted by each other. 

But of course it had to come to an end. And with the end you were back to being an emotional mess, grieving the end of the relationship for the third time.

December 25, 2017

“I love your dress, Annie,” you say to your six year old cousin sitting on the couch in your living room. Your family was having Christmas dinner at your house this year and it was crowded with relatives you only saw a few times a year. 

“Thank you,” her small voice says shyly.

Sitting down beside her on the edge of the couch you carefully smooth out your own dress. “Is it new?”

“Mommy bought it for me for today.”

“Oh wow, well it’s beautiful.” As you lift your head to take a sip of your drink you notice your mother waving at you from across the room. “I’ll talk to you later, okay?” 

“Okay,” Annie mumbles, leaning back against the couch. 

“Matthew is here,” your mom tells you as you approach. “He’s waiting outside.”

“You wouldn’t let him come in?” 

“Y/N,” your mom deadpans, shaking her head. “Of course I told him to come in, he insisted on waiting out there for you.”

Nodding you head down the hall and open the door, seeing Matt standing in the cold winter air. “Didn’t want to come inside?”

“I didn’t realize you were having everyone over tonight,” Matt admits, watching you step outside and shut the door behind you. “You look amazing,” he tells you as his eyes run up and down your body. 

Smiling gently you glance down at the dark red wrap dress you had on. “Thanks,” you whisper. “How long are you in town for?”

“Not long,” Matt tells you, fumbling with a small bag he had in his hands. “We didn’t get as much time off this year. I got here last night and fly out again tomorrow night. But I wanted to see you.” Extending his arm he brings the gift bag towards you. “And give you this.”

“Matt, you didn’t have to buy me a present,” you tell him, taking the small bag out of his hand. “I didn’t get you anything.”

Matt chuckles quietly, leaning against the railing of the deck. “I don’t need anything.”

“I don’t either,” you retort, watching him nod towards the bag. Opening it you pull out some tissue paper along with a small box. “Matt,” you whisper, opening the box to reveal a delicate silver necklace. Your eyes fill with tears as you turn your attention up to him. “It’s so beautiful, thank you so much.”

“I didn’t mean to make you cry,” Matt chuckles, reaching over and taking your hand, pulling you closer. Quickly he wraps his arms around you, holding you for a couple seconds. 

“Do you want to come inside for a bit?” You whisper. 

Matt pulls back slightly, looking down at you. “I don’t want to interrupt your family time.”

Shaking your head you lean up, pressing your lips to his gently. “You pretty much are family, Matt,” you whisper. “Just have to buy me a ring instead of a necklace,” you joke. 

“You know I would,” Matt tells you, sliding his arm down to hold your hand. 

“Come on,” you giggle, pulling him into the house. Inside you only have to introduce Matt to a few people, most remembering him from the four years you two were together, when you and him were practically inseparable. 

Awhile later you’re standing with Matt in the kitchen, everyone else gathered in the living room. You’re leaning against the counter and Matt has his hands on either side of you, pinning you against it. 

“I’ve missed you,” you whisper, looking up him through your eyelashes. 

“Don’t give me that look,” Matt groans. 

Giggling you lean onto your tip toes, pressing your lips to his again, grateful for the privacy in the kitchen. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” you tease. 

“I’m not joking,” Matt mutters. “i’m going to have to go cool off in a second if you don’t stop.”

Glancing over towards the stairs you press your hands against his shoulders, pushing him back so you can slip out from against the counter. “I’ll help you cool off.” 

Quickly you scurry up the stairs with Matt to your bedroom, closing and locking the door behind you. “We just have to be quiet,” you tell him, still facing the door. 

“I’m not doing this,” Matt says suddenly. 

Turning around you look up at Matt with furrowed eyebrows. “What? Why? We spent years hooking up with my family downstairs. I can be quiet, Matt. Nobody will know.”

Matt reaches over and takes your hand, pulling you into him and wrapping his arms around your body. “Not that,” he mumbles. “I love you, Y/N. This isn’t about sex and I don’t want you to think it is. I love you and I miss you and fuck, yes, I would love to hear you moan my name again but it’s not about that.”

Sniffling quietly you pull back to look up at Matt through glossy eyes. “We can’t be together again, Matt. We live over a thousand miles away from each other. I love you too, I love you so much but we can’t…we can’t keep doing this.”

Matt nods and you watch a tear slip down his cheek, one of the few times you had ever seen Matt cry. “Go spend some time with your family before you have to go back to Calgary,” you whisper, your voice croaking and wavering. 

Matt nods, leaning down and kissing your forehead gently. “I love you.” Stepping back Matt lets your hand drop slowly, hesitantly. You stay standing there till he’s walked out the door of your bedroom, till you’re sure he’s made it through the front door. Out of your life, again. 

February 22, 2018

Ian. Tall and handsome, charming and funny. He was in your political science class first year, followed you on Instagram but didn’t make a move till your second year. He sent you a DM, asking if you wanted to go out one night.

If you were being honest, you didn't want to go. But you knew you needed to. Because the only reason you didn’t want to go was because you were sill in love with Matthew. But you weren’t together with him anymore and you needed to move on. 

So you agreed to go for drinks one Friday night. It was so much better than you thought. The two of you talked for hours in that bar and when you finally got home that night you felt giddy and happy and like maybe things were finally moving forward. 

But then every time Matt came into your mind you felt a heavy sadness in your chest because you knew you needed to distance yourself from him. You couldn’t keep calling him when you had bad days. You couldn’t keep sending him flirty messages or suggestive pictures. When you were both home you couldn’t see each other in the same way anymore. 

After quite a few dates you agreed to be Ian’s girlfriend and you knew eventually you would have to tell Matt, that you couldn’t just fade out of his life. 

You were up late working on an assignment for your psychology class when your phone started ringing. Reaching over you pick it up and look at who the FaceTime call was from. Matt. Sliding your thumb across the screen you see Matt show up, his room dimly lit. 

“Hi,” you greet, propping your phone up. 

“Didn’t want to answer my text messages?” Matt jokes. 

Sighing you shake your head. “Just um,” you hum. 

“It’s okay, baby, I was joking,” he chuckles and you notice that he’s shirtless in his bed. “What are you doing?”

“Just working on an assignment,” you tell him, fiddling with a pen that was sitting on your desk. “Matt, you can’t…you can’t call me baby anymore.”

“Sorry, I didn’t realize it bothered you. You could have told me earlier, you know that right?”

“It’s not that, Matt. I’m just, I’ve been seeing someone.”

Matt is quiet for a moment and you can feel your heart hammering in your chest. “What does that mean ‘seeing someone’?”

Swallowing heavily you tap your fingers nervously against the desk. “I’m in a relationship now.”

“That’s what’s changed,” Matt remarks. “I should have known.”

“I should have told you sooner, it’s just hard. I think I still lo-.” You stop yourself before saying it, your cheeks flushing as you avoid looking at Matt. 

“You what?” 

Shaking your head you wipe away a couple tears from your eyes. “Nothing.”

“Baby,” Matt mumbles, ignoring what you told him. Because he knew you didn’t actually mind, that you just didn’t want to cross any boundaries with Ian. “You can’t do this.”

“Do what?” You whisper, avoiding looking at the camera all together now, your eyes fixated on a small scratch on the desk in your dorm room. 

“You can’t tell me you still love me when you’re in a relationship with someone else.”

Swallowing heavily you nod. Finally you muster up the courage and take a deep breath. “I don’t love you, Matt.” Your voice was shaky and high pitched and you knew that nobody would believe your lie but you needed to say it anyway. You needed to put those words out there, true or false to finally take the first step of moving on. 

Matt is silent for awhile, the sound of raindrops on your window the only real sound in the room. “Okay,” Matt finally mutters. “I do still love you, Y/N. But I get it, I know you need to move on. We both do, I guess. So, um, I hope he makes you happy and I’ll…I’ll stop calling and texting.”

There’s tears streaming down your face as Matt tells you he’ll stop reaching out, a deep pain in your chest as you try to hold it all together. “You know I want nothing but the best for you, right?” You finally croak, your fingers shaking as you try to wipe away your tears. 

“I want the best for you too, Y/N. That’s why I’ll leave you alone now.”

July 10, 2019

“Just throw it already,” Ian says, words slurred with the influence of alcohol. 

Lowering the ping pong ball you turn your attention to Ian, your eyes narrowed. “Just calm down.”

“Give her a minute, she’s great at beer pong.”

You turn around quickly, your eyes landing on Matt. He was standing behind you with a beer in his hand, looking as handsome as you remember. But you had a boyfriend now and you hadn’t talked to Matt much in the last year and a half and you didn’t know how you were supposed to feel but you probably weren’t supposed to feel this rush of happiness through your body. 

“Matt, hey,” you greet, stepping forward and giving him a friendly but perhaps lingering hug. “You didn’t tell me you were in town.”

“Didn’t really think that was something you told your ex now that they’re in a new relationship.” Matt glances behind you, nodding towards Ian. “Is this…?”

“Oh, uh, yeah,” you tell him, stepping to the side. “Matt, this is Ian. Ian, this Matt, my-.”

“-ex,” Ian chimes in, reaching over and giving Matt a rough handshake. “Nice to meet you, man.”

“Yeah, uh, you two,” Matt mutters, his eyes drifting to you. “I’m in town till August sometime if you want to get together to catch up,” Matt tells you. 

Ian quickly wraps his arm around your waist, tugging you a little too hard into his side. Stumbling you reach over, grabbing his arm to steady yourself. “Yeah, I don’t think she’ll be doing that.”

“Ian,” you mumble warningly. “See you around, Matt,” you whisper, ducking out of Ian’s arm to scurry to the bathroom to compose yourself. 

“He seems like a nice guy.” There’s heavy sarcasm in Matt’s tone as he steps into the bathroom doorframe. 

Looking over you force a smile onto your lips, your hands resting on the cool granite countertop of the bathroom. “He is, he’s just drunk.”

Matt crosses his arms over his chest, watching you for a minute. “That’s not an excuse, but I think you know that.”

“I’m not trying to make excuses,” you mutter, turning around and leaning against the bathroom counter. “He’s nice, it’s just not a great night.”

“I don’t care if it’s not a great night, he shouldn’t be talking to you like that, controlling you like that.”

“Well you are my ex, Matt. Do you expect him to be okay with us hanging out?”

Matt glances down at the ground, shifting nervously. “You’re more than just an ex to me, Y/N. You were my best friend, the person I trusted with everything, I still do and-.”

“Matt,” you interrupt, noticing Ian walking down the hallway behind Matt. 

Matt follows your gaze, shifting slightly so his back was no longer to Ian. You knew Matt well enough to know the look of disgust on his face when he looks at Ian. 

“We’re going,” Ian says harshly, brushing past Matt to stand in front of you. 

“I-,” you begin but Ian has his hand wrapped around your bicep before you can say anything more. His grasp was gentle but it still sent a wave of panic through your body. 

“Y/N,” Matt says, catching your attention. “Can I talk to you?”

“Go ahead,” Ian says, wrapping an arm around your body and tugging you into his side. 

“Alone,” Matt adds, eyes narrowed as he stares over at Ian. 

Ian shakes his head, placing his hands on your waist and pushing you out through the bathroom door. “She’s not yours anymore, man. Just leave her alone.”

“She’s not yours either,” Matt snaps, stepping in front of Ian. “She’s her own person, she doesn’t belong to anyone so stop fucking treating her like she does.”

“Matt,” you mutter warningly, barely able to look him in the eyes. You hated that you put him in this position, needing to stand up for you like that. “It’s okay.”

“It’s not,” Matt says, his tone soft as he stares at you, desperately trying to make eye contact with you. “Y/N,” Matt whispers, his tone desperate.

“I have to go,” you whisper, finally looking him in the eyes. “It’s okay, Matt. I promise.”

You walk down the hall with Ian, glancing back over your shoulder before turning the corner, giving Matt a small, unconvincing smile before disappearing from the house. 

December 26, 2020

“Get out,” Ian yells from the driver’s side of the small car. 

“Get out? We’re a twenty minute drive from my parent’s house, Ian,” you snap, glaring at the man across the console. The man who at one time made you feel like you were on top of the world now made you feel like you were free falling in life with no way to stop yourself. 

Taking your boyfriend home for Christmas. It was supposed to be beautiful and fun and festive. Instead you were sitting in your rental car fighting with the man you were supposed to trust and love and yet your heart was racing with fear. 

“Get the fuck out of the car, Y/N,” Ian yells again, this time with a tone that sent a shiver through your body. And you didn’t know what you were going to do when you got out of the car but you didn’t want to find out what might happen if you stayed in it either. So you put your hand on the door handle, pushing it open against the force of the cold winter air and stepped out of the car. He was speeding off before you even had the door closed and the tears were rolling down your face before you managed to pull your phone out. You call your parents and a few friends that were left in the city but it was one in the morning and everyone was asleep. 

Finally you dial the number of the one person you knew would come and get you, the one person who you felt deeply ashamed and yet incredibly comforted to call. 

“Y/N?” Matt’s groggy voice answers, evident that you had woken him up. “What’s going on?”

“You’re home, right?”

“Yeah, I’m back for Christmas,” Matt tells you. “You’re here with, um, Isaac?”

“Ian,” you whisper. “I know this is insane to ask, but do you think you could pick me up?”

“I, uh, yeah, of course. Why? Whats happening? Where are you?”

You tell him the intersection you were at, promising to explain the situation once he got there. And sure enough he got there, fast enough that you knew he had to have been speeding. 

“Jesus Christ, Y/N,” he says as you climb into the car, your body shivering from the cold. “Why are you out here alone? Have you been crying?”

Matt is leaning forward, pulling his hoodie off and handing it to you before you have a chance to say anything. And as much as you didn’t want to take the hoodie you were uncomfortably cold and couldn’t bring yourself to say no. It smelt like Matt and you knew it was wrong for you to love it as much as you did. “He left me here,” you finally mutter. 

“What?”

All you can manage to do is glance at Matt before you’re staring back down at your hands. “Ian, we were fighting. I didn’t want to do it at my parents house so I told him we should go for a drive. He just kept getting angrier and angrier and he finally stopped the car and told me to get out. I didn’t want to, but I was scared and I didn’t know what else to do.”

“Scared?” Matt asks, sounding broken. “Scared of what?”

“Him,” you whisper, finally looking over at Matt. “Things haven’t been great lately, I thought maybe it would get better, just a rough patch but they haven’t and I don’t know what to do.”

“I’m going to kill him,” Matt mutters, reaching over and taking your hand in his so gently you almost felt like the words and the actions were coming from two different people. 

“No, Matt, you can’t get involved. I can handle it.”

“You shouldn’t have to,” Matt tells you, squeezing your hand reassuringly. “He doesn’t deserve you, he never did. He was always a piece of shit.” 

“I’m just scared of what he’ll do,” you whisper, forcing yourself to look at Matt now. “I never thought…never thought that I would be here, like this.”

“Come home with me tonight. I don’t fly back to Calgary till tomorrow afternoon. We can deal with this tomorrow morning,” Matt suggests, leaning across the console of the car and tugging you into a hug. “I’m going to keep you safe, okay?”

You can feel another wave of tears, grasping at Matt’s arms as you sink into him. “Thank you, Matt. I don’t know what I would do without you.”

Slowly Matt backs away, his thumbs brushing the tears from your cheeks. “You okay coming back to my place tonight?”

Nodding you lean back in your seat, pulling your seatbelt on. 

You’re pulling into the driveway of Matt’s family home twenty minutes later, climbing out and heading to the front door with him. The house is silent and dark and you follow Matt to his room wordlessly. In the bedroom Matt gets you a t-shirt, handing it to you before hesitating as he glances around. “I can wait in the hall for you to get changed.”

“Matt,” you giggle. “You’ve seen more of me than anyone else has, you don’t need to leave.”

“Are you sure? I don’t want to push anything.”

“I’m going to be single tomorrow morning,” you tell him, pulling your sweater off and dropping it to the floor. You knew you should be sad about that. You should be upset about the loss of a relationship you had spent almost two years developing. But you were with Matt and that was the only thing that mattered now. 

You watch Matt’s eyes trail over your body, finally making their way back up to your eyes. “Sorry, I-.”

Shaking your head you reach behind your back, unhooking your bra and dropping it to the ground without looking away from him. “Don’t apologize.”

Matt nods slowly, glancing around the room as he takes a shaky breath. “How is this possible?”

“How is what possible?” You ask, pulling on the t-shirt Matt had given you before shimmying out of your jeans. 

“That I’m still as in love with you as I’ve always been,” Matt mumbles, not looking into your eyes. 

HIs words catch you off guard and you’re silent for a few minutes, processing it. You were still in love with him too, you knew that deep down despite trying to ignore those thoughts for the last few years. You just didn’t know he still felt that way too. After a few minutes of silence you step closer, wrapping your arms around Matt. “I still love you too,” you whisper. 

February 23, 2021

“Marry me,” Matt whispers, his fingers playing with your hair, your head laying on his chest. The two of you were curled up on the couch in his apartment in Calgary. You had been there for a week now and you weren’t feeling overly ready to leave. Reading break at school. Everyone else went on trips or vacations or home to see their families. You came to Calgary to spend even just a few days with Matt. 

You weren’t sure what you and Matt were anymore. After Christmas the two of you started talking more. You would text and call and FaceTime every day. Your interest in any other guy that wasn’t him vanished again and you found your mind stuck on him almost every second of the day. 

Lifting your head up you look into his eyes, smiling softly. “Don’t be an idiot.”

Matt places his hands on your waist, gently turning you to face him. “I’m not. Y/N, it’s been four years since we broke up and we can’t seem to get that right,” Matt tells you, leaning a little closer. “So maybe we’re not supposed to be broken up.”

“So you want to get married?” You giggle, bringing your knees onto either side of his body. 

“I always wanted to marry you,” Matt tells you, pressing his lips to yours gently. “Even in high school I knew, thought it was too crazy to say it back then though.”

“I used to plan out our wedding when I was a teenager,” you admit. 

Matt tucks a piece of your hair behind your ear, his other hand resting on your thigh. “What’s it going to be like?”

Giggling you shake your head. “Not the way I planned it in high school.”

“But it’s going to happen?” Matt teases, placing his hands under your thighs and pulling you forward, laying you down onto your back. 

Laughing you clutch at his biceps, watching as he moves his body over yours. “Let’s do it right now,” you joke. 

“Just go to the courthouse and make it official?”

Biting your bottom lip gently you nod. “Yes.”

Matt chuckles, his hand sliding along your inner thigh. “Only if you let me put a baby in you right now.”

“Matt,” you exclaim, laughing. “I still have to finish school.”

“So I can once you’re done?” 

Pulling Matt down by the back of his neck you press your lips to his eagerly. “Yes,” you finally mumble against his lips. 

“Fuck,” Matt groans, his lips moving down to your neck and making you gasp softly. “What do you have left? Three months?”

Giggling you run your fingers through his hair. “We’re not ready to be parents, Matt.”

Matt groans against your skin, sitting up and grabbing your hands, pulling you up to your feet before swiftly lifting you off them. “Fine, at least let me practice making them then,” he jokes, carrying you into his bedroom and dropping you down onto the bed. 

A couple days later you’re standing in front of the entrance to airport security, looking up at Matt with tears in your eyes. “I don’t want to go,” you croak, one of your hands curled around the edge of his jacket, your bodies so close to each other. 

Matt leans down, pressing his lips to your forehead. “I don’t want you to go either,” he whispers, wrapping his arms around your body. “A couple more months and then you’re done.”

“And then what?” You whisper into his chest. 

“Move to Calgary, live with me.”

“I can’t just move to a new country like that,” you counter, looking up at him through glossy eyes. 

“Why not? You already agreed to marry me,” Matt jokes, leaning down and kissing you gently. “I promise we can figure it all out, I mean, if you want to.”

A couple tears roll down your cheeks as you nod. “Yes, of course I want to.”

“Good,” Matt whispers, kissing you gently again. “You have to go though, you can’t miss your plane.”

“I know,” you whisper, slowly pulling back. You were suddenly giddy with excitement, unable to wipe the smile off your face. “I’ll call you when I get home.”

Matt smiles softly, his hands shoved in his pockets as he watches you take a few steps towards the security lineup. “I love you.”

“And I love you.”

March 20, 2023

You hear the door open, followed a few second later the tall figure of your husband stepping into the kitchen. “Hey beautiful,” Matt says before swooping in, his arms circling around your body. 

“Hi babe,” you whisper, twisting in his arms to face him, leaning up and pressing your lips to his gently. “How was the flight?”

“Good,” he mumbles before kissing you again, his hands warm and tight around your body. “Missed you guys though.”

“Daddy,” Amelia’s high-pitched voice cheers as she runs into the room as fast as her toddler legs will carry her. 

Matt quickly lets go of you, dropping down into a squat and catching her in his arms. “Hi baby,” he says, his voice filled with joy as he scoops her up off the ground, holding her against his body. 

“Park,” Amelia cheers, having spent all day asking if Matt would take take her to the park when he got home. 

“Amelia, sweetie, dad might be too tired to take you to the park right now,” you say gently, reaching over and rubbing her back as she looks up at Matt with big, watery eyes. 

“No, I’m never too tired to tired to go to the park.” Leaning his head down Matt kisses Amelia on the forehead before setting her back on the ground. “Are you coming with us?” Matt asks you. 

“I was just going to tidy up and get dinner started,” you tell him, reaching over and taking his hands, pulling him into you. “It’ll be done in a couple hours if you two could be back by then?”

“Of course,” Matt says gently, leaning down and pressing his lips to your. “Love you.”

“Love you too,” you whisper against his lips. 

Matt begins to pull away before leaning back into you. “And you know I’m never too tired to have fun with you either, right?”

Your eyes widen, shaking your head as you giggle. Pressing your hand against his shoulder you give him a gentle push towards the front door where Amelia was waiting. “Go,” you laugh, unable to get rid of the smile on your face. 

As Matt steps towards the front entryway he pauses, turning back to look at you. 

“What?” You giggle, expecting another suggestive comment. 

“Thank you,” Matt says, voice full of sincerity. 

“For what?” You ask, your hand resting gently on the kitchen counter as you lean your hip into it. 

“For being such a good mom, taking care of Amelia by yourself when I’m out of town.”

“Come here,” you say quietly, taking a couple steps forward and grabbing Matt’s hands, pulling him into you. Leaning up you press your lips to his quickly. “You’re an incredible dad too, Matt. I can’t imagine having a family, a life, with anyone else.”

“I always knew we would get here eventually, you just had to make it complicated.”

“Me?” You scoff, your hands grasping at Matt’s forearms as you giggle. “You made it just as complicated!”

“I did not,” Matt exclaims, one of his arms circling around your waist and pulling you into him. “I would have figured out the long distance thing, but you wanted to go off to university and date other guys…terrible guys might I add.”

“Shut up,” you giggle. “It was always you,” you whisper, pulling back to look into Matt’s eyes, a sudden sincerity falling between you two. “And it always will be you. 

[valenhell]

From the studio that brought you “I can’t find good Byler fics in the ao3 tag”, comes:

"The Definitive Byler fic rec list"

Literally no one asked for this but because I spent the majority of last year (...and 2019, and 2018...) reading byler fics and coping with life, I thought I’d make a list of some of my absolute favorites. 

The other day I was basically starving for some byler fics and the angel @magicalfairy provided me with some of her faves so I thought I’d do the same, because I love reading, and I love all of these fics and I appreciate their writers💗 And fic writers in general, come on!

- This is a mix of long works and one-shots/short stories. - Everything is mostly fluff with a tad of angst and a lot of internalized homophobia conflict.  - Every fic is completed, except for the ones I mention that they are not. - I try my best to lay out the stories in a way that I won’t spoil you the plot but also warning you of some stuff you might don’t like. Either way, all of these fics are correctly tagged by their respective authors/owners, so read at your own risk. For better understanding, in between brackets I denote Rating, Words and quantity of Chapters. - I feel like I should clarify, none of these are narrated in the singular first person. None of that “And I told him...”, no. 

Long fics

a dream always the same (T, 99k, 35 chapters) What happened in those few weeks between the Battle of Starcourt and the Byers leaving Hawkins. Literally a satisfying and very needed fill in of season three, with a good dose of Mike’s thoughts and conflict. Mike’s characterization is specially amazing in this one. The writing style is amazing and I know the author put everything into making it historically accurate, and it was really sweet. You probably read it, it’s by the amazing sevensided here on Tumblr🧡

Spring Break (T, 120k, 14/15 chapters) The slowburn of my dreams. Lots of internalized conflict and conflict with each other. Conflict within the Party (uhh kind of), conflict with Mike and Will. Byers family has moved and the kids are visiting! Chaos. Characterization is on point. Yeah, I know it’s unfinished, but the fourteenth chapter actually serves as a pretty nice ending. 

This is where it starts (M, 148.8k, 24 chapters) Aged up characters. The Party is in college and Will disappears again, but now it’s different. Mike knows he didn’t vanish from thin air, and the discovery he and the Party end up making is pretty insane. Mystery solving/fantasy/third dimension, throw in a bit of D&D and Mike realizing some shit, and you get this marvelous fic. It’s a breath of fresh air. The world building is definitely one of the elements that stands out the most, because it’s very nicely described, it sounds like a dream and it’s completely immersive. Absolute gem of a fic. 

there’s a Starman waiting in the sky (M, 30.6k, 8 chapters) Do I need to say anything? Will is out there living his best life and Mike realizes that wow, umm, maybe his best friend looks a bit too nice with that costume... and wait, is he getting horny? It’s actually really fun and sexy.

The Evening Speaks (T, 23k, 7 chapters) In where Mike is a late-night college radio host and Will is the art student that stays up till late to catch up with Wheeler on the Mic. They flirt through songs y’all, this one is really sweet. 

heads or tails? (E, 24k, 3 chapters) Aged up characters. I know most people don’t enjoy sex in fics and with specific characters but this one is insanely well written. It’s a slowburn that commits to the tension and with every word you are grasping and anticipating their next move. I think you can find the author here on Tumblr as yousaidyes🧡

The Man of Average (M, 56.7k, 5/? chapters) Aged up characters. No but you don’t understand, the writing here is absolute gourmet. The story is exciting as well, it’s super interesting. Weirdly enough, for being very aged up characters, they are well characterized but they don’t feel like teenagers. They are naturally Mike and Will. The author really captured Mike and Will’s essence. I know, it’s unfinished and it’s updated very rarely, but this is the typical fic you can’t believe someone just posted on the internet for free. I will say though, I think it’s definitely not for everyone. Read at your own risk.

Heartstrings (E, 82.8k, 24/? chapters) Aged up characters. By the same author of The Man of Average. A collection of memories, the road to Mike and Will’s happy ever after. And fucking hell!!!!! You’ll cry and get angry, you’ll cheer for them, then you’ll want to crash their faces together because god dammit you love each other!!! But yeah, same thing here. The writing and the way the story is laid out as a nonlinear narrative is brilliant. And I also think this is one of the best Will versions I’ve read. The author might as well be the og creator of this two characters tbh. You can find the author here as mylesimeblr🧡

Sinners behind the walls (T, 1.5k, 1/1) And because I can’t stop recommending this author, a little thing of Mike tormenting himself but also being too deeply committed to Will. 

The Red Envelope series (T/E, 167K, two completed works) Something happens that Will thought was impossible and from there, pure drama and romance. Anything by this author has the potential to become your absolute favorite fic, but this series in particular is amazing. I doubt that any of you haven’t read this, but it doesn’t hurt to put it in this list. I’m pretty sure the author is serendipitous-magic on Tumblr🧡

A New Fight series (T, 91k, two completed works, one WIP) And finally the Star Wars AU that we all needed. But this isn’t your typical “Mike is Han”, “Will is Leia” and “El is Luke”, it’s way more interesting than that, and the author has appropriated the Star Wars world like no other. I’ll admit I’m not a 100% fluent in SW lore but this is amazing to me either way. This author is also on Tumblr, tea-for-one-please🧡

- Yes, most of these are (if not all), in a way, canon compliant/canonverse/canon continuation into fanon. (In a way)

One-shots and short stories

Sundae for Two, Please (G, 4.8k) Steve being the supportive friend and older brother these kids collectively need. (not Jonathan erasure, we love him). Steve is very sweet himself, and this little cute thing through his POV is gorgeous. Yes, it’s byler.

Backstage (T, 10k, 2/2) Jonathan, you forgot to mention to Will how hot your new band’s guitarist is, dude. Now he’s hyperventilating and weirdly flirting with him in the corner. Background Stonathan because why not.

102 Peach Street (G, 3.8k) Established relationship, but not only that, they are married :’’))) PURE fluff. Extreme fluffiness. Diabetes. 

sweatshirts and bottled up feelings (T, 3.2k) Or, Mike thinks that the sweatshirt Will wears looks insanely good on him. And kitchens are for lovers. 

kiss it better (T, 16.3k) Basically one of the best character studies of a few precise moments of Mike and Will’s relationship and feelings. 

will wonders ever cease (T, 11.3k) #i ship will and happiness. Omfg what a beautiful piece of fanfic. Will centric, this kid really deserves all the good in the world.

The Calm After the Storm (T, 1.6k) Tooth rotting fluff, boyfriends in love. Boyfriends being lazy, cuddling, love words, kisses. Boys loving each other’s company... Basically, Mike and Will in their element. What more can you ask for?

neither of us ready to let go (T, 4.8k) That scene from season three, but a bit of a fix it. 

Still in love (G, 1k) Domestic, married life au fluff. Y’all, I’m a sucker for established Byler, even if I can’t find many fics with it. But this is very sweet. It takes place in 2020, but I don’t think there are any mentions of the COVID-19 crisis that I remember.

I Nver Find Out ‘Til I’m Head Over Heels (G, 12.5K) Classic 5+1 fic. If you haven’t read it, where have you been? This is your moment. In where Mike keeps inviting Will to the school dances and Will thinks it’s just a joke until he realizes it’s not. 

Before You’re Gone (T, 5.9k) Will is leaving Hawkins and Mike thinks this is a great moment for a confession. This one I discovered last friday, thank you friend @magicalfairy 💗

You’re weird Wheeler (M, 4.5k) Mike unintentionally starts a tradition of going to each other to talk about their sexual encounters just after they finish. Will keeps getting more explicit with the details he shares, and he makes his best friend interested. This one is really fun y’all.

Out-Of-Town Friends (N/R, 4.6K) It’s not rated. I haven’t re- read it but I’d say it would probably fall in a T rating. So cute!! Will has new friends and sneaks off every friday and the Party doesn’t know where he is going, so Mike decides to follow him and is surprised. 

Snowed Under (G, 1.3k) By the same author of The New Fight series. Mike is spending christmas by himself in college because a snowstorm hits Chicago and Nancy can’t drive to see him, but then he has a surprise visitor. Ahhh just a lil sweet holiday fic. Super cute. 

you love me anyway series (T, 7.1k, three completed works) Literally just the cutest thing ever. Established Byler. Will loves to take pictures and he loves taking pictures of Mike. It’s adorable. 

you wanna be friends forever (i can think of something better) (T, 9k) This one is so amazing. So. Amazing. From Will’s POV, my kid deserves the world and he gets it. 

okay not to be okay (T, 4.9k) Mike is a bit sad but then everything is okay. 

can’t hold out forever (G, 18.4k) Y’all!!!!! 5+1 sweetness. Mike has been falling in love since kindergarten. And it’s long af, you’ll enjoy it. 

even if it takes forever (G, 1.3k) College short AU, they miss each other, they love each other, they promise all to each other. It is sappy y’all.

clear as day (N/R, 18.4K, 4 chapters) It’s not rated, but I’d say it falls in the T category. Strangers to friends to lovers. And also, everyone is pretty gay; we have our dynamic trio Mike, Max and El as disaster lesbians (and gay). Will works at the library and he is also gay. Lucas and Dustin and Will are the best friends we needed. It’s very sweet and the Party is kind of formed here!

I went overboard with the one-shots, so you must have realized how much I love long one-shots and I favor them over long works lmao but they are all amazing!!! If it’s on this list, I probably read it at 2 am, sobbing in my bed. So. Hope you enjoy it☺️🧡

[junghelioseok]

clandestine. | 01

↳ forbidden fruit tastes the sweetest.

◇ jungkook x reader ◇ smut | fluff | brother’s best friend!au ◇ 10.3k [1/6]

notes: this fic was originally going to be a oneshot, but i changed my mind and decided i didn’t want to kill tumblr with a totally unnecessary 50k jk fic so 🤷🏻‍♀️ here is part one of a fic that 100% only came about because @puellaigmotum​ coerced me into it like 2 years ago (lmao rip 💀) and also bc i have zero self-control and am hopelessly h*rny for jungkook these days and don’t look at me i don’t wanna talk about it okay??? 🙈

warnings: jk’s massive noona kink, some ~under the table~ action, too much detail about jk’s dumb veiny arms probably, but at least he doesn’t have tattoos bc i started writing this before he got them and i don’t need to torture myself anymore than i already do!!!

⇢ 01 | 02 | 03 | 04 | 05 | 06 

It’s always been easy to spot your brother in a crowd. Passengers flood off the train, jostling around you on their way to the station’s exit, but even in the swarm you can perfectly see Jimin’s golden head of hair bobbing its way toward you, a deep scowl etched across his face. “You’re late,” he says in lieu of a greeting, his honey brown eyes raking over your scuffed suitcase distastefully as he comes to a stop a few feet away.

“And you’re just as impatient as ever,” you retort, coming to a stop before him with your luggage in tow. “Think you can lord it over me since you can drive now?”

“Don’t forget that I’m your ride home,” Jimin scoffs, rolling his eyes. “I could just as easily leave you here to fend for yourself.”

“You wouldn’t dare,” you tell him, raising a brow in silent challenge.

Jimin stares down at you unflinchingly, and you stare right back. The tension stretches between you, taut and heavy, until every passing second feels like a light year. Around you, the crowd slowly dissipates, but still you remain—two motionless statues locked in a wordless struggle. From somewhere overhead, a monotone voice announces the next train departure times.

Jimin’s mouth twitches. You blink, twice in quick succession.

And then your little brother breaks into a grin—one that’s so wide you fear his mouth may detach from his face entirely. An answering smile settles across your face as you watch him throw his head back, dissolving into laughter that you can’t help but echo.

“Damn it, Chim!” you say, instinctively grabbing onto his wrist when it looks like he might fall over. “Your poker face still sucks.”

“I’ve gotten better!” Jimin immediately defends. “I mean, you’ve got to admit that, right?”

“Nope.” You sigh and hold a hand over your head so you can measure your height against his ever-so-slightly taller frame. “Same old annoying kid I grew up with. Seriously, have you grown at all in the past year?”

“Whoa, too far, Noona.” Jimin takes ahold of both of your cheeks, pinching them affectionately. “You’re only a year older than me, you know. Besides, I’ve been taller than you for two years now!”

“I’m pretty sure hitting puberty at age seventeen isn’t something to be proud of,” you reply, pulling away from him with a mock grimace and giggling when he lets out an offended squeak. Playfully, you reach up to ruffle his hair, scrubbing your knuckles just a little too roughly against his skull.

“Noonaaa,” he complains, drawing out the last syllable until he runs out of air. “Jeez, you haven’t even been back for an hour yet and you’re already being mean to me. When do you go back to Seoul again?”

“Three weeks,” you reply, narrowing your eyes. “But I can and will make these three weeks hell for you. Don’t test me.”

Jimin snickers and drapes his arm over your shoulders. He picks up your suitcase with the other hand, and you thank him with another, gentler hair ruffle as the two of you start toward the exit of the train station. “College hasn’t changed you one bit.”

“And senior year hasn’t changed you,” you say, letting him guide you outside and breathing in the balmy summer evening air. Jimin’s brow furrows as he tries to remember where he’s parked, and you kindly take your suitcase back when he nods decisively and heads toward the left side of the lot. “You excited to graduate?”

He sighs, fumbling in his pocket for the keys as the two of you approach the car. “It’s going to suck. Your ceremony was boring as hell last year.”

“Wow, rude.”

Jimin looks up from where he’s unlocking the driver’s side door. “Am I wrong, though?”

You flash him a grin as he unlocks the remaining doors, heaving your suitcase into the backseat before sliding into the passenger seat beside him. “Nope. But afterward, you’ll be done with high school forever.”

“Thank god.” Your brother rakes a hand through his hair, mussing it further as he carefully starts the ignition and checks his mirrors with all the diligence of a new driver. Once satisfied, he pulls out of the parking space, meandering his way out of the lot and onto the main street.

The ride back to your childhood home is a short one, full of familiar storefronts and landmarks that dredge up all sorts of fond memories. You hadn’t expected your first year of university—away from your family and your hometown—to make you quite so emotional. But before you know it, Jimin is making the turn into your neighborhood, and you can’t stop the way your eyes begin to well up when you see your house in the distance.

As if reading your mind, Jimin glances at you as he pulls into the driveway. “Feel good to be home?”

You nod, blinking back tears. “Feels great.”

He grins. Pulling the key from the ignition, he climbs out of the car and grabs your suitcase, waving for you to head inside. Eagerly, you start toward the front door, but you barely make it halfway up the driveway when it bursts open, revealing your father standing there with open arms and an enormous grin. He’s just as tall as you remember, and looks exactly the same save a few more strands of silver lacing his hair. All of a sudden, you’re a little girl again, running up to give him a hug and giggling madly when he tries to scoop you up like he used to do so many years ago.

“Hi Dad,” you greet when he gives up and sets you back down on two feet. “Where’s Mom?”

“Cooking up a storm,” he replies, chortling. Wrapping an arm around your shoulders, he leads you into the kitchen where your mother is hunched over the stove with a spatula, delicious aromas wafting up from the array of pots and pans in front of her. “Honey, look who’s home!”

“Hi Mom,” you say, grinning when she whirls around, startled. The spatula, still dangling loosely from her hand, drips sauce onto the tiled floor, but she barely notices in her eagerness to give you a hug, throwing it down into one of the simmering pots and striding forward to wrap you up in a tight embrace.

“How was your trip?” she asks, pulling back and angling your face this way and that. “Did you sleep on the ride? Did Jimin drive safely?”

The last question draws a protesting whine from your brother, who has lugged your suitcase over the threshold and is now seated at the dining table, fiddling with a spoon. “My driving was fine, right Noona?” he says, his bottom lip jutting out into a pout.

“Yes, Chim,” you agree, laughing at the pleased expression that overtakes his face. Curiously, you walk over to the stove to inspect the food, your jaw dropping as you take in the assorted vegetables and meats. “Wow, Mom. Are you cooking for an army?”

“Jungkook is coming over for dinner,” she explains, following you over and plucking up the spatula again. “That boy has the biggest appetite I’ve ever seen—you remember, right?”

You laugh. “Of course I remember. He and Jimin were always stealing bites of my lunch at school.” Peering over at your brother, you fix him with a mock glare before walking over to the cutting board on the counter and sizing up the pile of onions and peppers sitting there. “It’ll be nice to see him again, though. How is he doing?”

To your surprise, a new voice answers your question—a voice that somehow manages to be simultaneously familiar and foreign. “Why don’t you ask me directly, Noona?” it says, and you whirl around, wide-eyed, to face the newcomer.

This can’t possibly be Jeon Jungkook, is your first thought upon seeing the young man standing in the kitchen doorway. The Jungkook you knew in high school was a scrawny kid—all gangly limbs and a nose that was too big for his face. The Jungkook you knew wore oversized white t-shirts that made him look even younger than he was, a look that was only enhanced by round wire-rimmed glasses that always gave him a look of permanent astonishment. The Jungkook you knew was nowhere near this tall, and definitely not this broad.

But this Jungkook—this Jungkook takes up nearly the entire doorframe with his bulk. Dark eyes stare at you from beneath equally dark hair, his gaze unhindered by his old glasses. A cobalt blue shirt stretches tight over his chest, and you swallow when you notice just how much the buttons are straining to contain the muscle underneath. Black jeans and simple black sneakers complete his outfit, and the entire look is so jarringly different from what you’re used to that you are left momentarily speechless, gaping like a fish out of water. Vaguely, you wonder when he got his ears pierced.

And then Jungkook—or at least, the young man claiming to be Jungkook—takes three steps forward, his entire face melting into a crinkly-eyed grin. You catch a glimpse of the adorably prominent front teeth that always made him look like a rabbit, and that’s all it takes to break the spell.

“Jungkookie!” you exclaim, darting forward to greet him. “It’s been so long!”

“Hi, Noona,” he replies, his grin widening at your approach. In an instant, he has you wrapped up in an embrace, easily lifting you off the floor in a display of strength that would’ve had a lesser woman swooning. His hands curl firmly around your waist, and you have no choice but to wrap yours around his nape, squeaking in protest when he spins you in a full circle.

“Kookie!” you gasp, wriggling helplessly in his grasp and huffing when he only cackles. “Put me down!”

Obediently, Jungkook lowers you back to the ground. His hands linger on your waist until he’s certain that both your feet are planted firmly, and it’s only then that he pulls back to get a good look at your face. “You know I’d never drop you, right?” he asks innocently.

“As if I can trust anything that comes out of your mouth,” you retort with a laugh. “I’ve seen you scam your way out of detention with those pretty doe eyes. Don’t try me, kid.”

Jungkook snorts. “Kid? I’m not that much younger than you. Plus I’m older than Jimin, y’know.”

“By a month!” your brother protests from the dining room, his blond head popping up from behind the vase of daisies serving as a centerpiece.

“Month and a half,” Jungkook stage-whispers to you, cupping a hand and bringing his mouth to your ear conspiratorially. His breath tickles your cheek, and you swat him away with a giggle that becomes a full-on laugh when Jimin lets out an offended cry and rises to his feet. Striding over, he pokes Jungkook squarely in the chest, his eyes narrowed.

“I invite you over to my house and this is the thanks I get?”

Your dad chooses that moment to interrupt from the living room. “Your house? When exactly did you start paying rent, Jimin?”

Jimin’s jaw drops. “Are you taking his side?” he asks in disbelief, glaring at Jungkook when he starts laughing. “I’m your son!”

“I’m your father,” your dad replies.

“And I’m your mother,” your mom pipes up, brandishing a spoon. “And I’m telling all of you to get your butts over to that dining table in the next ten seconds, or no dinner for any of you.”

Your dad, Jimin, and Jungkook immediately fall silent, cowed by her proclamation. Grinning, you join your mother at the counter, grabbing a handful of spoons and accepting the platter of kimchi she hands over. “Direct as always, Mom.”

She laughs and picks up a bowl of rice. “To deal with men like them? You have to be.”

Food in hand, you make your way into the dining room. The table is set, the steaming food arranged neatly in the center, and you watch as your mother takes her seat next to Jimin and leaves you to sit beside Jungkook on the opposite side. Your father beams from his spot at the head of the table, glancing at each of you in turn before turning and giving your shoulder an affectionate squeeze.

“Look at you kids, all sitting at the same table again.” He sighs, and you’re certain that he’s thinking back to the last time all of you were together—well over a year ago, at this point. “It’s a shame that your parents couldn’t join us, though, Jungkook.”

Jungkook nods. “Yeah, they told me to apologize on their behalf. They have tickets for the theatre tonight, and couldn’t get a refund on them.”

Your father laughs and waves the apology off. “I’m sure we’ll catch them next time,” he says. “Pretty hard to avoid each other when you live next door, isn’t it?”

“Definitely,” Jungkook agrees with a chuckle. Then he turns to you, the silver hoops in his ears glinting in the light from the overhead chandelier. “I’m sure they’ll drop by soon to see you, Noona. Mom wants to hear all about Seoul—I think she’s worried about sending me so far away by myself.”

“Junghyun stayed in Busan for university, didn’t he?” your mom asks.

Jungkook nods. “Yep, he still lives downtown and everything. He wanted to come over tonight, but his work wouldn’t let him take the time off.”

Your mom sighs. “That’s such a shame. Is he at least attending your graduation?”

“He’s driving in the day after tomorrow for the ceremony,” Jungkook confirms. Then he pauses, his tongue darting out to wet his lips. His gaze flickers down to the plate of sweet potatoes on the other side of the table, and before he can even open his mouth, your mother is already passing him the plate. He thanks her with an embarrassed chuckle but digs into the food nonetheless, and everyone else takes it as a sign to follow suit. You’re in the middle of scooping rice into your bowl when Jimin speaks up again.

“So what’s it like living in Seoul?” he asks, his cheeks bulging with pork belly. “You have roommates, right?”

“Suitemates,” you correct. “But yeah, I live with three other people. Namjoon, Hoseok, and Jennie are all great though, so it hasn’t been a problem.”

Jungkook pauses mid-chew to gape at you. “You live with guys?”

“My building’s co-ed,” you explain. “We all have separate bedrooms, but we share a common space and bathrooms.”

Your mother—on the lookout for any potential future grandchildren, as always—perks up. “Namjoon and Hoseok sound like nice boys. Are you friends?”

“Yes, Mom,” you sigh. “We’re friends. Just friends.” And then before she can ask about whether or not any other boys have caught your eye, you quickly turn back to your brother. “So, what’s your plan for next year? Are you and Jungkook living together?”

Jimin hums. “Yep, that’s the plan. Unless you want to live with us too, Noona.”

You laugh. “Why, so I can protect you from all the bullies like I did in elementary school?”

He flashes you a cheeky grin. “More like so I can protect you from all the weird college guys. Who’s this Hoseok guy anyway? Do I need to beat him up?”

“Please don’t beat up Hobi,” you entreaty, giggling when he pretends to crack his knuckles. “Or Joon!” you add quickly when he remains undeterred and makes to stand up from the table to defend your honor. Balling up your napkin, you throw it at him, and both of you burst into hysterics when your makeshift weapon bounces off his forehead and straight into his glass of water. The rest of dinner passes in a haze of similarly playful antics and happy chatter, and by the time the last bowl is scraped clean, it feels as if you’d never even left.

“I’ll do the dishes,” you volunteer, standing up and gathering up the empty platters. Jungkook and Jimin are quick to jump to your aid, collecting any utensils that you missed, and you offer them a grateful smile as they follow you into the kitchen.

“Let me do the washing, Noona.” Jungkook rolls up the sleeves of his cobalt blue shirt to expose a familiar silver watch glinting on his left wrist—a watch that his father handed down to him when he was sixteen, and that had been worn by his grandfather before him. You still remember the day he’d first worn it to school, proudly displaying it even though the band was too loose around his narrow wrist.

He’s grown into it now, you realize. The watch no longer flops around like it used to, and sits snugly in place instead. Your eyes trace the silver buckle on the inside of his wrist before trailing up to follow the network of thin, branching veins in his forearm, admiring the smooth flex of muscle as he grabs a sponge from the wire rack hanging above the sink and squirts some dish soap onto the surface.

“I’ll dry,” Jimin chirps, selecting a towel and brandishing it. “Noona, do you want to help me? We’ll finish faster that way.”

Nodding, you pull another towel out from the drawer and rejoin the two boys at the sink. Jungkook washes quickly and efficiently, and you determinedly avoid staring at the way water trickles along the patchwork veins on his hands as he gives you bowl after bowl to dry.

It doesn’t take long for all the dishes to be washed and dried. The three of you take the time to put them back into the proper cabinets before bidding your parents a good night, heading out onto the back porch. Falling back into old routines feels like second nature, so you plop down onto the steps without hesitation and grin when Jungkook takes a seat beside you.

“Wait, I almost forgot!” Jimin exclaims, bouncing up from where he was beginning to sit down next to Jungkook. “I bought some beer earlier and left it in the trunk. Be right back!”

You watch your brother run off, his floppy blond hair a stark contrast with the deep blue evening sky. In seconds, he’s disappeared around the corner of the house, leaving you and Jungkook alone on the porch steps.

“Chim really hasn’t changed one bit,” you remark with a laugh, turning toward your dark-haired companion.

Jungkook chuckles. “The kid loves his alcohol, that’s for sure.”

“Please.” You elbow him in the ribs. “I know you’re just as bad as he is.”

“Maybe,” he concedes with another chuckle. “But come on, Noona, you can’t tell me you don’t enjoy a drink every now and then. What about all that college stress?”

You hum, leaning back on your hands and staring up at the sky where the full moon is just beginning to rise, surrounded by a smattering of stars peeking through the velvety darkness of night. “I never said that I didn’t enjoy a drink, or five.” Jungkook laughs at your remark, and you smile before letting out a soft sigh. “I’m glad Jimin got the beer, though. Maybe I’ll finally be able to stop stressing out about my internship.”

That sobers Jungkook up immediately, his eyes widening as he peers down at you and lays a gentle hand on your back. “Are you still worried? You already got the job, didn’t you?”

You nod slowly, thinking back to the job offer that you had accepted at the end of the semester. It had been difficult finding a company in your desired field that offered internships to first-year students, but with dogged persistence and a lot of luck, you’d managed to snag a summer position. It isn’t due to start for another three weeks, however, and while you’re grateful for the chance to visit your family, part of you also wishes that you didn’t have to wait such a long time. “I just have no idea what to expect, you know? The only jobs I’ve ever had were in retail and food service, and that was all ages ago. I don’t feel ready at all.”

A strong arm settles across your shoulders, and you look up to see Jungkook gazing down at you with something indiscernible sparkling in his deep brown eyes. “You’re gonna be amazing,” he murmurs, his voice whisper-soft. “You know that, right? You always are. This won’t be any different.”

And you believe him. Every detail of his face is bathed in silvery moonlight—the gentle slope of his nose, the sharp angle of his jaw, the little scar high on his cheekbone—and you wonder how you never realized how handsome he is before now. And maybe it’s the low, soothing timbre of his voice, or maybe it’s the way he’s looking at you—with unspeakable tenderness and gentle affection glimmering in his irises—but you lean in before you can even realize what you’re doing. You don’t look away, and neither does he.

Jungkook’s gaze drops, trailing down the slope of your cheeks until it lands on the curve of your mouth. He hesitates for a split second, his throat bobbing harshly as he swallows and sucks in a breath.

And then his lips are pressing against yours—soft and tentative and just a little bit chapped. Your eyes flutter shut almost on instinct, your body relaxing as he shifts and pulls you a little more firmly against him. Slowly, his arm finds its way to the curve of your waist and settles there. Your fingers curl around his nape, carding through his silky hair.

It’s only when Jungkook’s tongue darts out to run along the seam of your lips that reality comes crashing back down, your stomach plummeting down to somewhere around your toes as you wrench away from his embrace. “Kookie!�� you gasp, your breathing labored. “We can’t!”

Jungkook blinks, momentarily entrancing you with the way the stars reflect in his gaze like glittering diamonds. “Why not?” he asks, reaching out for you again. “You kissed me back, didn’t you?”

Squeaking, you bat his hands away. “Jungkook, no! We can’t! You’re Jimin’s best friend, and god, this is all kinds of weird, and—“

The dark-haired young man looks like he wants to protest more, but the sound of footsteps coming back around the house sends both of you scooting back to your original positions on the porch steps. Jimin appears two seconds later, plopping down beside Jungkook cheerfully and dropping a six-pack of beer at his feet.

“What’d I miss?” he asks, seemingly oblivious to the tension lingering in the air as he pops open a bottle and hands it to you.

“Nothing,” you say immediately, accepting the proffered beer. The cool glass bottle is a welcome relief, and you hurriedly take a long sip when your mind unwillingly begins to wander back to just how warm and soft your dark-haired companion’s lips had been.

Jungkook is much slower to respond to Jimin’s question. His shoulders slump as he reaches down to grab a drink of his own, twisting the cap open viciously and taking a swig. “Yeah,” he mutters, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. “Nothing at all.”

Luck must be on your side, because Jimin doesn’t seem to notice anything amiss as he grabs a beer for himself and flops backward, resting his weight on his elbows as he gazes up at the night sky. “It’s nice out,” he remarks, looking utterly at ease.

You are anything but. Beside you, Jungkook is sipping pensively on his beer, and you are painfully aware of the heat radiating off his body. Jimin is still chattering away, rambling about whatever pops into his head, and you take the opportunity to sneak a glance at Jungkook. His face is cast in silvery luminescence from the moon, his mouth pulled down into a deep, contemplative frown—and you are once again forced to shake off thoughts of how nice it felt to have his mouth pressed against yours.

This is Jeon Jungkook, you tell yourself sternly. Friend, neighbor, and Jimin’s best friend in the entire universe. You kissed him, sure, but it was a mistake. A moment of weakness. And it won’t happen again.

You repeat that over and over, silently reciting it in your head like a mantra, until, at last, you finally start to believe it.

///

You’re in the middle of brewing a fresh pot of coffee after a lazy morning spent sleeping in when you spot Jungkook outside through the kitchen window. He’s standing in the yard in a sleeveless white tee, wiping at his forehead with the back of his hand as he thoughtfully regards the row of hedges that serves as the property line between your house and the Jeons’ house next door. In his other hand is a shovel, and you can’t help the way your gaze automatically traces his exposed biceps, admiring the way they flex when he finally selects a spot and begins digging.

“Is the coffee done yet, Noona?”

Jimin’s voice yanks your attention away from your gardening neighbor, your vision overtaken by a mess of fluffy blond bedhead as he sneaks into the space between you and the counter and obnoxiously cuts you off from the pot of fresh brew. “Hey!” you protest, but Jimin just gives you a cheeky wink before grabbing a mug and pouring out a generous helping of piping hot coffee. After a moment’s thought, he pours you a mug as well, handing it over with an exaggerated bow.

You roll your eyes, but accept the warm cup nonetheless. Following him into the living room, you make yourself comfortable on the couch as he flops down onto the carpeted floor and turns on the television. Idly, he begins flipping through the channels in search for something to watch, and you endure random snippets of the morning news, a cheesy soap opera, and a series of infomercials before sighing and rising to your feet again. “I’m getting some food. Want some toast, Chimchim?”

“Mmm. Sure.”

Slowly, you meander your way back into the kitchen. Your mother is standing at the counter stirring sugar into her coffee, and you smile as you walk up to join her. “Morning, Mom.”

“Good morning, sweetie,” she says, taking a careful sip of her drink. “Did you sleep well?”

“Like a log,” you reply with a grin. Grabbing the loaf of bread off the counter, you pull out a few slices and shove them in the toaster. “Do you want toast? I’m making some for me and Chimchim.”

“Just one slice for me,” she says, opening up the dish cabinet and pulling out three plates. Obligingly, you hand her one of the two freshly toasted slices and drop the other onto your plate. Popping some more bread into the toaster, you’re just about to grab the jam from the fridge when there’s a knock on the door.

“I’ll get it!” Jimin yells from the living room. You hear the soft pad of his footsteps in the hallway and the low creak of the front door as it swings open—and then your brother is snorting out a laugh at whoever is on your doorstep. “Dude, why are you covered in dirt?”

You’re beginning to have a sneaking suspicion as to who your guest is, and it’s confirmed when your brother’s question is answered.

“I’m helping Mom plant some hydrangeas out back,” Jungkook’s voice explains, his tall figure stepping into view a moment later. “Can you come help me lift the bushes?”

Jimin rolls his eyes. “You could’ve just texted me.”

“Who knows if you would’ve answered?” Jungkook asks, laughing. “Knowing you, you’d just leave me on read. Besides—” and here he glances over at you, dark eyes glimmering with an emotion that you can’t quite pinpoint, “—I wouldn’t get to see two of my favorite ladies if I didn’t stop by.”

Jimin pretends to vomit at the line, but your mother laughs delightedly as Jungkook takes another step into the foyer and flashes her a winning grin. “Good morning, Jungkookie,” she greets him. “Have you eaten breakfast yet? {Name} was just making some toast, and we’ve got fresh coffee.”

Jungkook’s gaze slides over to you again, taking in the flannel pajama pants and oversized t-shirt you’re wearing. “Thanks, Mrs. Park,” he says, though his eyes never leave yours. “I ate already, but coffee sounds wonderful.”

You are beginning to feel increasingly vulnerable as Jungkook continues looking unblinkingly in your direction. Thankfully, your mom pipes up, drawing his attention away with a decisive clap of her hands. “Coffee it is, then!” she says brightly. “{Name}, why don’t you grab Jungkook a cup?”

Hurriedly, you turn toward the cabinets, trying your best to ignore Jungkook as he chats comfortably with your family. Your success is limited though, and you can feel his penetrating stare lingering on your back even as you fetch a mug and fill it up to the brim.

“Noona.” Jungkook’s voice comes from behind you, much closer than you remember him being. “Can I have some cream and sugar, please?”

Somehow, you manage to reply without stammering. “Yeah. Sure.” Dumping some of the excess coffee into the sink, you spoon in some sugar and give it a quick stir. Just as you turn toward the refrigerator for the cream, a strong arm cuts you off.

“I got it, Noona,” Jungkook murmurs, backing you up against the counter as he tucks the little white carton into your outstretched hand. His proximity has your heart skipping several beats, and you almost drop the carton entirely when he speaks again in a husky whisper, his mouth at the shell of your ear. “Just a little bit, please.”

You are acutely aware of the heat radiating off of his body, warming your back and flushing your cheeks. Quietly, you open up the carton and pour a splash of cream into his mug, the swirl of white melding with the dark liquid within. “Is—is that enough?”

Jungkook reaches around you to open up the silverware drawer, grabbing a spoon and giving the coffee a stir. “That’s perfect,” he purrs, his hot breath stirring gooseflesh on the back of your neck.

This close to him, it’s easy to forget where you are and who you’re with, but you somehow manage to regain enough of your senses to wrench away and reclaim your personal space. “G-great,” you stammer, picking up the mug and shoving it into his hands, determinedly ignoring the ripple of his arm muscles as he accepts. “Um. Chim. Did you want your toast?”

“Yes, please,” Jimin says, barely glancing up from where he’s made himself comfortable at the kitchen island, idly playing on his phone.

Your mother pokes her head around the doorframe of the adjoining laundry room, where she has clearly started a fresh load if the sound of splashing water is anything to go by. “Don’t make your sister do all of the work, Jimin. Go help her—it’s your food, isn’t it?”

Obligingly, Jimin hops off the stool and grabs his favorite jar of jam, joining you at the counter. He takes the slice of toast you offer him, slathering it messily and taking an enormous bite. “Thanks for breakfast, Noona,” he says, blowing you an exaggerated kiss. “Ready, Kook?”

Jungkook raises his mug of coffee in acknowledgement. “Ready.” Then his gaze flickers back to you, twinkling with silent mirth. “And Noona—thanks. The coffee’s delicious.”

You can’t find the words to answer. Silently, you watch him disappear out the front door with Jimin, following his dark head of hair as it bobs across the yard. His biceps flex as he gestures for Jimin to help him lift a hydrangea bush, and your eyes linger on the stretch of defined muscle, tracing the network of prominent veins running along his forearm before your brain can caution you to stop. It’s almost as if you’re on autopilot, and by the time you zone back in, your gaze has wandered too far south for your liking. Letting out an audible groan, you tear your eyes away from the mouthwatering view of his thick thighs and return to your now-cold breakfast. And you don’t think about Jeon Jungkook again, pushing the image of his broad shoulders and handsome face into the darkest recesses of your mind.

Or at least, that was the plan. Jimin comes back inside after about an hour, tracking mud through half the house before your mother reprimands him and orders him to take off his shoes. Jungkook, thankfully, chose to return to his own home as well, and you immediately banish the thought of him showering off all the sweat and grime that has no doubt accumulated on his toned body. You shove away the mental image of water slicking his golden skin and collecting in the hollows of his collarbones, and when your mind conjures up pictures of what lies south of his waist, you resist the urge to scream into the pile of freshly laundered pillowcases your mom presses into your arms.

You’re just about to head upstairs to scream into a real pillow when there’s another knock on your front door—a familiar cadence that you heard just this morning. And that’s when you realize—to your complete and utter dismay—that Jeon Jungkook isn’t done tormenting you yet. Not by a long shot.

“You again? You do realize that this isn’t your house, right?” you ask, swinging open the door and thanking whatever gods may be out there that your voice remains steady. Then you raise a brow, glancing down at his change in attire. “Wait, why are you wearing a suit?”

Jungkook gives you an infuriatingly impish grin. “Do I need a reason?” His hair is still damp from the shower, a stray lock flopping down across his forehead, and as you watch him brush it away absently, you notice that he’s holding something in his free hand.

“What’s that?” you ask curiously.

Footsteps sound from behind you, interrupting before he can answer. “Jungkookie?” your mother asks, appearing at the foot of the stairs. “I thought I heard your voice. Are you here for Jimin again?”

Jungkook flashes her a winning smile and raises the garment bag he’s holding. “No, I was actually hoping to get some advice. I’ve got my suit ready to go for graduation tomorrow, but I can’t decide which shirt looks better. My mom likes how I look in blue, but I wanted a second opinion from you and Noona.”

To your utter annoyance, your mother coos and gestures for him to come in. He’s already wearing the blue shirt—a pale periwinkle one that reminds you of a cloudless day—but your mom takes the garment bag out of his hand and unzips it to look inside. “What are your options?” she asks.

“Blue, red, and yellow,” Jungkook replies, pulling each shirt off its hanger and holding them up to his chest in turn. “What do you think, Mrs. Park?”

“The blue is lovely,” your mom says thoughtfully, straightening his collar. “But this shade of yellow looks nice too. A handsome young man like you—you really can’t go wrong with any of these.”

Jungkook grins and scratches behind his ear, trying to hide his embarrassment. “Thanks, Mrs. Park.”

The dryer chooses that moment to beep shrilly, signalling the end of its cycle, and your mother darts off to tend to it, leaving you and Jungkook alone in the living room.

“What about you, Noona?” Jungkook asks, just as you’re about to try and sneak out under the pretense of helping with the laundry. “Which shirt do you like?”

“Does it matter?” you ask. “It’s just going to be hidden underneath those horrible black trash bags they make you wear.”

He laughs. “Sure, but what about before and after? You know my mom’s going to want to take a million pictures.”

“Can’t argue there.” Resigning yourself to your fate, you put your stack of clean pillowcases down on the arm of the couch and cross your arms over your chest. “Show them to me again?”

Jungkook raises the yellow shirt, holding it up for a few seconds before swapping it out for the red. “Well?”

You pause to consider it. “Red,” you decide after some deliberation, pointing at your choice. It’s a deep crimson color—almost burgundy—and you rub the silky material between your fingertips before taking it and replacing it onto its hanger. Jungkook joins you with the yellow shirt, his arm bumping into yours as you both reach for the garment bag, and even though you flinch away from the contact, Jungkook doesn’t let you stray very far. A strong hand clamps down around your forearm, and you inhale sharply when he backs you up against the wall and cages you in with his solid body.

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?”

Jungkook looks thoroughly unfazed as he blinks a few loose strands of hair out of his eyes. “What are you talking about?”

“Jungkook—” you hiss, struggling to see over his shoulder if your mother has returned. “Get off me.”

“Come on, Noona,” Jungkook murmurs. “I’ve seen the way you’ve been looking at me. Ever since you got back—ever since we kissed—”

“A mistake,” you say, cutting him off with a finger to the lips and glancing around furtively to make sure no one is eavesdropping. “That was a mistake.”

Jungkook raises an eyebrow. “Was it? Because I really wanted to kiss you, and I’m pretty sure you wanted to kiss me too. You kissed back, didn’t you?”

“Y-you—“ You clear your throat and try again, cringing at how shaky your voice comes out. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

But Jungkook simply laughs. “Don’t I?” He inches closer until you’re chest to chest, his gaze darkening as it flickers downward and lands on your mouth. Your heartbeat quickens, thudding erratically in your ribcage. It would be so easy to push to your tiptoes and close the distance between your lips.

“God,” you huff. “You’re so—”

His other eyebrow rises to join the first. “I’m so—?” he presses, tilting his head as he awaits your answer. The loose lock of hair flops across his forehead again, and this time you cannot stop yourself from reaching up to brush it away.

“Shut up,” you hiss as your fingers drop down to wind into the soft hair at his nape. “Just shut up.”

And then you’re kissing him—really, really kissing him—pulling him down to your level and sliding your free hand up his infuriatingly toned chest.

“See?” Jungkook’s lips curl up into a smug smirk as he pulls away slightly, his warm breath fanning across your cheeks with every word. “I knew you were into me.”

“God, do you ever stop talking?” you retort, pushing him back until you have enough room to switch your positions and maneuver him against the wall.

Jungkook lets you pin him in place, blinking down at you lazily with his mouth still stretched into that maddening little smirk. “Only if you make me, Noona.” His hands slide down your sides, coming to a stop at your hips in an ironclad grip. “Only if you kiss me like that again.”

So you do. Your fingers tighten in his hair as you crush your mouth to his, and when his lips part you slip your tongue inside. Jungkook—still smirking—relaxes and lets you take control of the kiss, but his hands continue to wander. Before you know it, he’s already snuck underneath the hem of your shirt, rubbing warm circles into the soft skin of your waist. His lips move languidly against yours, his tongue careful and gentle in its exploration of your mouth, and you sigh when he tugs you closer. You’re pressed flush against him by this point, pinning him between your body and the wall, and neither you nor he have any intent to move anytime soon.

The sudden slamming of a door jerks you back to reality. Here you are, standing in the living room where anyone could walk by and see you kissing your brother’s best friend—again. Shakily, you pull away from Jungkook with your heart in your throat, putting as much space as you possibly can between your bodies. “Fuck,” you mutter. “Fuck, fuck, fuck. We can’t do this.”

Jungkook’s chest is heaving, his lips swollen and red. “{Name}—” he tries, but you shake your head and cut him off before he can continue.

“You need to leave,” you whisper.

“But—”

“Please,” you say, your heart hammering wildly in your chest. “Please, Jungkook. Just leave.”

Jungkook swallows, hard. And then, much to your relief, he picks up his garment bag, shoving both shirts back inside. “Okay,” he rasps. “I’ll go.”

Elsewhere in the house, you can hear your mother calling for Jimin. Your father is watching TV in his study—you can hear the low hum of voices and a laugh track. Your entire family is here.

And yet, you’ve never felt more alone as you watch Jungkook stride down the hallway and disappear out the front door.

///

Returning to your high school is odd. The hallways and classrooms are familiar, but they all seem smaller than you remember. And were the ceilings always this short? You aren’t sure. What you are sure of, however, is that Jungkook and his family are currently headed your way, with beaming smiles on their faces and colorful flower bouquets in hand. Greetings and congratulations are exchanged, and it isn’t long before you are face-to-face with Jungkook himself, a tight smile on his face as he meets your eyes.

“Hi, Noona.”

“Hi,” you reply. “Congratulations.”

“Thanks.”

Now that the graduation ceremony is over, he’s taken off his robe to reveal the red shirt underneath. The silky material drapes over his torso and clings to the toned planes of his chest, and your fingers itch to run across the defined muscle. Swallowing down the urge, you instead gesture toward his parents, who are engaged in deep conversation with your own parents while Jimin chats with Junghyun off to the side. “I guess we’re all getting dinner after this, huh?”

He nods. “Yeah, at that one place downtow—“

“Jungkook! Jimin!” A feminine voice interrupts him mid-sentence, and you watch in surprise as both your brother and Jungkook are suddenly engulfed in a massive tangle of limbs. Immediately, you recognize Jisoo and Lisa—two girls you considered casual friends from your own high school days. The third girl in the trio of friends—Chaeyoung—is noticeably absent, but you don’t get a chance to question her whereabouts. “Can you believe it? We’re graduates!” Lisa is saying excitedly, still clutching tightly onto Jungkook’s shoulders. She’s pressed flush against him, her chest molded to his, and the sudden rush of jealousy that takes root in the pit of your stomach takes you aback with its ferocity.

Calm the fuck down, you instruct your pounding heart. Stop it, right now.

“Has Tae told you about the party tomorrow night?” Jisoo asks, breaking you out of your thoughts. “You guys better be there—and that means you, too, {Name}! It’s been forever since we’ve seen you!”

You clear your throat and attempt to smile. “Yeah, it’s been way too long. It’ll be nice to finally catch up.” Unwillingly, your gaze flickers back over to Jungkook and Lisa, doing your best to maintain a neutral expression when you notice the casual way his arm drapes over her shoulders.

Your attempts are in vain. Jungkook notices your stare immediately, a massive shit-eating grin spreading across his face. One eyebrow rises in a silent taunt, and you swear his grip around her tightens. Resisting the urge to roll your eyes, you instead turn back to Jisoo, finally voicing the question that’s on your mind.

“So, where’s Chaeyoung? I saw her during the ceremony, but haven’t seen her around since. She didn’t leave already, did she?”

“No, she’s still here,” Jisoo answers, exchanging a look with Lisa. Curiosity piqued, you watch her gaze dart over to Jungkook for a split second before returning to you, a tiny smile gracing her face once more. “She’s with her family right now, but she’ll be at the party tomorrow.”

“I’ll congratulate her there, then,” you say, returning her smile with one of her own. Silently, you wonder at the uneasy glance the two girls had exchanged, but decide not to press it, chalking it up to some senior year drama that isn’t any of your business.

“Well, we should probably get going,” Jisoo says after another beat. “We’re off to dinner.”

“We should be on our way too,” you agree, glancing over at where your parents are still chatting, having absorbed Junghyun into their conversation at some point. Bidding the two girls goodbye, you sidle over to join them, trying your best to subtly nudge your parents toward the door.

After what feels like an eternity, your parents finally decide that they’re ready for a change in scenery. The drive to the restaurant is blessedly short, much to the relief of your grumbling stomach, and you are more than grateful for the brief reprieve from Jungkook and his knowing smirk. It doesn’t last long, however, and you mentally brace yourself when you spot the Jeons’ car in the parking lot of the restaurant. Upon entering, you are quickly ushered to your reserved table where the Jeons are already waiting, and somehow in the shuffle you end up right between Jungkook and Junghyun, the former’s face dissolving into a satisfied grin as he watches you sit down.

Then he turns to Jimin, who’s seated on his other side. “Hey, man.”

You bristle at the blatant way he’s ignoring you. But two can play at that game, so you turn to Junghyun with a winning smile, laying a hand on his shoulder for good measure. The older Jeon brother is four years your senior, but despite the age difference, you’ve always gotten along well.

“Junghyun, I haven’t seen you in ages! How have you been?”

The elder Jeon grins and leans in to give you a hug. “Good, good—work’s insane, but that’s old news. What about you? How’s school going so far?”

You can feel Jungkook’s gaze on you, hot and heavy. The hairs on the back of your neck prickle under the weight of it, and you resist the urge to shiver. Instead, you give Junghyun’s bicep a final squeeze before pulling away, steadfastly ignoring the way Jungkook lets out a disgruntled hiss from between his teeth.

“School is good,” you tell Junghyun. “I’m trying to get all my general requirements out of the way early, so my first semester wasn’t very interesting. I took some more focused classes in the second, though, which made things infinitely better.”

The elder Jeon laughs. “Guess that means you’re on the right track then, huh?”

“Guess so,” you reply, laughing right along with him.

The server stops by to take drink orders, and your parents take it upon themselves to order food for the table as well. You continue chatting amicably with Junghyun as the server returns with a tray of water, sodas, and soju; beside you, Jungkook does the same with Jimin. The only break in conversation comes when the server—a pretty girl with a chirpy voice and a nametag that reads ‘Mina’—leans over to set a glass of Coke down in front of Jungkook. He thanks her with a crooked smirk and a low purr of gratitude that has her cheeks flushing pink, and it’s all you can do not to gape at him like a fish. The flirtatious quirk of his lips, the seductive tone—it all comes far too naturally to him, and you wonder for a moment just where the old Jungkook has gone. The Jungkook you used to know stammered every time he had to talk to an unfamiliar girl, and had trouble looking even you in the eye despite having known you since grade school.

But now, he’s nowhere to be found. The young man sitting beside you remains as calm as can be, shifting his body toward Mina so that he can request a straw.

“Of course, here you go!” Mina’s gaze lingers on his hand as he accepts the proffered straw, eyes widening when his fingers brush against hers lightly.

“Fast service,” Jungkook remarks, his voice dipping into a low, indolent drawl. “I like that.”

Mina giggles and tucks a loose strand of hair behind her ear. She’s clearly about to respond to him—flirt right back, undoubtedly—but your father stands up and taps his glass with a spoon before she can open her mouth. “I want to make a toast,” he says, and you send him a silent, heartfelt thank you when Mina wisely chooses to make herself scarce. “Congratulations to Jungkook and Jimin, our two rad grads!”

An audible groan rises up from your side of the table, where Jimin has buried his face in his hands. “Oh my god, Dad.”

“What?” your father asks innocently. “I really think you’re rad, grad!”

Jimin groans again, muffled by the sleeves of his jacket. “I want the earth to swallow me whole.”

Laughter all around. More toasts are given, and the bottles of soju scattered around the table slowly dwindle down to their last dregs. Junghyun picks up the one closest to him and fills up your glass for the fourth time, drawing a protesting whine from your lips as you try to cut him off. “Wait, that’s not fair! Pour some for yourself too!”

“Relax, we can always order more,” Junghyun says with a laugh, topping off your glass before glancing around to find Mina. Much to your irritation, she’s already headed your way, bearing loaded platters of meat and vegetables and wearing a bright smile that seems to only be directed to Jungkook.

“I hope you’re all hungry!” she chirps, coming to a stop between you and the subject of her affections. You swear she shoots you a dirty look over her shoulder before turning back to the table, her cheerful facade back in place as she smiles at Jungkook. “Where did you want me to put the meat?”

“Anywhere it’ll fit,” Jungkook tells her with a suggestive smirk, keeping his voice soft enough so that only you and she can hear.

Mina cannot hide her answering smile. Likewise, you cannot hide the way your nostrils flare, throat bobbing as you swallow down the ugly feelings bubbling up in your chest. You can feel Jungkook’s gaze roving across your skin, but you refuse to look at him, stubbornly facing the front as Mina distributes food around the table. As soon as she’s departed again—her fingers brushing across the back of Jungkook’s chair in the process—you’re up and out of your seat, heart beating faster than you’d like to admit.

“Restroom,” you say shortly by way of explanation. It’s thankfully empty when you arrive, and you immediately make a beeline toward the sink to splash some cold water on your cheeks.

It’s absurd—this snaking jealousy coiling in your belly and winding up between the slats of your ribcage. Straightening up, you give your reflection in the mirror a stern look, silently willing the feelings in your chest to abate. Gradually, your heartbeat slows into a regular rhythm, your cheeks cooling, and after waiting another two minutes, you decide that it’s been long enough. Drying off your hands, you exit the restroom and wind your way back to the table, keeping your pace leisurely even when Jungkook looks up and catches your eye. His expression is unreadable, and you valiantly ignore his burning gaze as you take a seat.

“How is everything?” you ask Junghyun, picking up a spoon and piling your plate with food from the nearest platter.

Junghyun pauses mid-bite to answer. His mouth opens, but you don’t catch his answer because there is a sudden, heavy weight on your knee. A warm palm caresses the skin exposed by the hem of your dress, slow and sensual and deliberate. Your eyes widen and your lips part, but no sound escapes. The rest of the table’s occupants fade away into the background, conversations and laughter dulling into a low drone. Beside you, Junghyun is still talking, but all you can hear is blood rushing through your ears.

And on your other side, Jungkook is smirking.

The bastard.

Gentle fingertips skim along your skin, leaving trails of fire in their wake. Your entire body stiffens, but Jungkook refuses to relent. He’s still chatting with Jimin, chuckling at a joke you didn’t hear, and you wonder how he can remain so calm when you are anything but. Your heart takes off in a sprint, clattering wildly against your ribcage, and for a few moments you are absolutely positive that everyone at the table can hear. Any moment, one of your parents will look over and see how wide your eyes are and how warm your cheeks feel. Any moment, Jimin will look down and see his best friend’s arm snaking beneath the table and realize what’s happening.

And then Jungkook squeezes your thigh, and all thought flies out of your head, dissipating like fog in the sunlight. He’s growing increasingly bold, his fingers trailing up until he can trace the hem of your dress, teasing at the soft material. Your breath hitches in your throat, and Jungkook’s smirk widens. You can see him out of the corner of your eye, trying to hide his smugness behind his soju glass, and for a moment you’re tempted to throw his drink in his face.

But more than that—more than anything else right now—you want him to continue touching you.

He’s sliding beneath your dress now, inching down to the delicate skin of your inner thigh and tracing nonsensical patterns there. You grip the edge of the table as he trails closer and closer to the lace of your panties, knuckles turning white against the dark wood. It’s a wonder no one has noticed your flustered state yet, and you cast concerned glances at Junghyun and Jimin before Jungkook notices your inattention. Punishingly, he slides a single finger into your panties, snapping the lace against your skin and covering the sound with a cough that he buries in his elbow. He can’t hide the way you jolt in your seat though, your knee thudding against the table. Junghyun gives you a worried look, laying a hand on your shoulder as he asks if you’re okay, and you hurriedly nod. And underneath the table, Jungkook resumes his ministrations, languorous and soft and deliberately avoiding the place you need him most, as if he has all the time in the world.

There’s a growing damp spot between your legs. You can feel it seeping through the cottony material of your panties, sticking uncomfortably to your folds. Jungkook’s touch is whisper-soft, caressing along your thigh until your skin is tingling, and it’s all you can do to swallow down the whimper that’s bubbling up in your throat. He’s thoroughly enjoying this—you can tell—and you’re certain he can feel the way you tense up when he suddenly drags a single finger up your clothed slit. A low hiss escapes your parted lips, and in an instant, all eyes are on you.

“Noona?” Jimin asks curiously. “Something wrong?”

“I—” Your mind whirs, searching for an excuse. “It’s nothing. I’m fine. The, uh, sauce was just spicier than I was expecting it to be.”

You haven’t touched a single thing on your plate in minutes, but no one seems to notice your obvious lie. Conversation resumes, and you determinedly pick up your spoon again, intent on getting something more substantial in your belly than the fluttering butterflies that have taken up residence there.

“You sure you want to eat that, Noona?” Jungkook’s voice reaches your ears—a low, dulcet purr that sends electricity shooting down your spine. “You should probably drink some water to cool down.”

And before you can answer—before you even manage to reach for your water glass—he’s slipped his hand into your panties, the warm pad of his thumb pressing experimentally against your clit. The slight pressure has you gasping, your heart pounding hard enough to leap out of your chest as you drop your spoon. Your hands drop down to your lap—one gripping the edge of your chair while the other finds its way around Jungkook’s wrist, and you aren’t sure whether you’re trying to stop him or spur him on. His arm muscles flex underneath your fingertips, and that’s all the warning you get before he angles his hand, a lone finger sinking inside your drenched entrance.

“Oh, fuck.” You can’t stop the strangled curse that escapes your lips, an airy hiss from behind clenched teeth. Your grip on Jungkook’s wrist tightens, but it doesn’t seem to dissuade him at all as he begins a leisurely pace, sinking deeper into your cunt with each thrust.

Luckily, no one hears your whimper. Sinking your teeth into your bottom lip, you bite back the sounds threatening to spill out and instead focus on maintaining as neutral an expression as you can muster. Beneath the table, Jungkook remains relentless. Even when your mother looks over and addresses him directly, he doesn’t cease his ministrations, keeping both his tone and his pace even as he responds.

“Jungkookie, you’ve barely touched your pork belly. Are you full already?”

“Stuffed,” Jungkook replies smoothly. He punctuates the word by adding a second finger, and you almost bang your knee on the table again, your eyes going wide at his audacity.

Your mother pushes the platter of meat closer to him anyway. “No need to be polite, honey. Here, eat up.”

Obligingly, Jungkook picks out a few pieces with his free hand and piles them on his plate. “Thanks, Mrs. Park,” he says as he brings some to his mouth. “It’s delicious.”

Satisfied, your mother turns her attention elsewhere. Jungkook returns his to you, and you almost groan aloud when his thumb brushes against your clit again, rubbing tight circles around the sensitive bud before he sheathes both fingers inside you once more. There’s a growing heat coiling in the pit of your stomach by this point, lighting every single one of your nerves on fire. Your body is screaming for release, and Jungkook seems more than eager to give it to you. He’s freed his wrist from your grip, leaving you to clutch helplessly at the table as he angles his fingers upward. No doubt he’s searching for the spot that will have you seeing stars, and you know he’s found it when a sudden burst of pleasure spikes through you. Your mouth falls lax, and Jungkook grins, thoroughly satisfied.

There’s something building inside you, something that has your tummy tensing and your toes curling in your shoes. Jungkook’s fingers dig deep, his palm rubbing against your clit with every thrust, and it takes every remaining ounce of your self-control to resist the urge to rock your hips into his hand. A bit more of that delicious friction, and you’ll be falling over the edge. You know it, and so does Jungkook if the smirk on his face is anything to go by.

And then a voice is pulling you back to reality, a warm hand settling on your shoulder. You flinch at the contact, your startled gaze flying up to Junghyun’s, and balk when you see him staring at you with equal parts amusement and concern.

“I—what?” you stammer. “Did… did you say something?”

Beneath the table, you feel Jungkook’s fingers retreat, leaving you empty and aching for release. Out of the corner of your eye, you see Jungkook wipe his glistening hand on his napkin, a frown that can only be described as petulant settling onto his face.

“Whoa, relax!” Junghyun drags your attention back to him, raising his hands in mock surrender. “I just wanted to say goodbye. I have to be up early for work tomorrow, so I’m driving back into the city tonight.”

“Oh!” It takes you a few seconds to process his words. “Right, yeah. Have a safe drive back. It was good to see you.”

“Ditto,” he replies, flashing you a warm grin. “But hey, are you all right? You’ve been a little weird the whole night. Was it the food?”

Gratefully, you seize upon the excuse. “Yeah! Yeah, I’m fine. I think maybe something isn’t sitting quite right in my stomach, but I’ll be okay. Don’t worry about it.”

He nods and leans in for a hug. “Take care of yourself, yeah?”

“You too. Bye, Junghyun.”

With the elder Jeon brother’s departure, everyone else quickly decides that it’s time to disperse as well. You adamantly refuse to look in Jungkook’s direction as your parents fight over the bill, focusing your goodbyes on Mr. and Mrs. Jeon even when he glances your way with a knowing little smirk and a soft murmur of, “Bye, Noona.”

You can’t look at him. Not when every movement reminds you just how damp your panties are, your core begging for relief. Not when he’s waggling his fingers in farewell—the gesture anything but innocent. “Bye,” you warble weakly, before fleeing to the car.

The memory of his fingers burns fresh in your mind later that night as you lie in bed, your hand stuffed down your panties and working furiously to find that sweet, sweet relief.

[chainofclovers]

Ted Lasso 2x11 thoughts

For an episode that ends with a journalist Ted trusts but has (understandably) recently lied to warning Ted that he’s publishing an article about his panic attacks, it was fitting that this episode seemed entirely about what all of these characters choose to tell each other. And after most of a season of television that Jason Sudeikis has described as the season in which the characters go into their little caves to deal with things on their own, it turns out they are finally able to tell each other quite a lot.

Which is good because, um, wow, a lot is going to happen in the season finale of this show!

Thoughts on the things people tell each other behind the cut!

Roy and Keeley. I absolutely loved the moment during their photoshoot in which they bring up a lot of complicated emotional things and are clearly gutted (“gutted”? Who am I? A GBBO contestant who forgot to turn the oven on?) by what they’ve heard. We already know that Keeley and Roy are great at the kinds of moments they have before the shoot begins, in which Roy builds Keeley up and tells her she’s fucking amazing. From nearly the beginning of their relationship, they’ve supported each other and been each other’s biggest fans. But their relationship has gone on long enough that they’ve progressed from tentative arguments about space and individual needs into really needing to figure out what they mean to each other and how big their feelings are and what that means in relation to everything else. Watching these two confess about the uncomfortable kiss with Nate, the unexpectedly long conversation with Phoebe’s teacher, and—most painfully—the revelation that Jamie still loves Keeley didn’t feel like watching two people who are about to break up. (Although I could see them potentially needing space from each other to get clarity.) It felt like watching two people realize just how much they’d lose if they lost each other, which is an understandably scary feeling even—or especially—when you’re deeply in love but not entirely sure what the future holds. Not entirely sure what you’re capable of when you’ve never felt serious about someone in quite this way, and are realizing you have to take intentional actions to choose that relationship every single day. I’m excited to learn whether Roy and Keeley decide they need to solidify their relationship more (not necessarily an engagement, but maybe moving in together or making sure they’re both comfortable referring to the other as partner and telling people they’re in a committed relationship) or if things go in a different direction for a while.

Sharon and Ted. I’ve had this feeling of “Wow, Ted is going to feel so intense about how honest he’s been with Sharon and is going to end up getting really attached and transfer a lot of emotions onto the connection they have and that is stressful no matter how beneficial it has been for him to finally get therapy!” for a while now. And Sharon’s departure really brought that out and it was indeed stressful. But the amount of growth that’s happened for both of these characters is really stunningly and beautifully conveyed in this episode. Ted is genuinely angry she left without saying goodbye, and he doesn’t bury it some place deep inside him where it will fester for the next thirty years. He expresses his anger. (I also noticed he sweared—mildly—in front of her again, which is really a big tell for how much he has let his carefully-constructed persona relax around her.) He reads her letter even though he said he wasn’t going to, and he’s moved. I don’t think Ted has the words for his connection to Sharon beyond “we had a breakthrough,” but Sharon gets it, and is able to firmly assert a professional boundary by articulating her side of that breakthrough as an experience that has made her a better therapist. And is still able to offer Ted a different kind of closure by suggesting they go out before her train leaves. No matter how you feel about a patient/football manager seeing their therapist/team psychologist colleague socially, I appreciated this story because IMO it didn’t cross big lines but instead was about one final moment in this arc in which both Ted and Sharon saw each other clearly and modeled what it is to give someone what they need and to expect honesty and communication from them. I liked that Ted ends up being the one saying goodbye. (The mustache in the exclamation points!) I like that whether or not Sharon returns in any capacity (Sarah Niles is so wonderful that I hope she does, but I’m not sure), the goodbye these characters forge for themselves here is neither abandonment nor a new, more complicated invitation. It’s the end of a meaningful era, and although the work of healing is the work of a lifetime, it’s very beautiful to have this milestone.

Ted and Rebecca. So, maybe it’s just me, but it kinda feels like these two have a few li’l life things to catch up on?! (HAHHHHHaSdafgsdasdf!) I really adored their interactions in this episode. I maintain that Biscuits With The Boss has been happening this whole time (even when Ted’s apartment was in shambles, there’s biscuit evidence, and I feel like we’ve been seeing the biscuit boxes in Rebecca’s office pretty regularly too), even if it might have been more of a drive-by biscuit drop-off/feelings avoidance ritual. It was really lovely to see Ted on more even footing in Rebecca’s office, joking around until she tells him to shut up, just like the old days. And GOSH—for their 1x9 interaction in Ted’s office to be paralleled in this episode and for Ted to explicitly make note of the parallel in a way Rebecca hears and sees and understands?! MY HEART. In both of Rebecca’s confessions, she is not bringing good news but it is good and meaningful that she chooses to share with Ted. In both situations, Ted takes the moment in stride and offers acceptance equivalent to the gravity of what she has to confess. And in both situations, he’s not some kind of otherworldly saint, able to accept Rebecca no matter what because he’s unaffected by what she shares. He is affected. When he tells her about Sam, you can see a variety of emotions on his face. Rebecca is upset and Ted is calm, and even if I might have liked for him to try to talk about the risk the affair poses to the power dynamics on the team or any number of factors, I also really liked that he just accepts where she is, and—most importantly—does not offer her advice beyond examining herself and taking her own advice. A massive part of being in a relationship with another person (a close relationship of any nature) is figuring out how to support that person without necessarily having to be happy about every single thing they do. It’s so important that Ted connects what she’s just told him about Sam back to what she told him last season about her plot with the club. These both feel like truth bombs to him, and he is at least safe enough to make that clear. These are both things that impact him, things that shape how he sees her and maybe even how he sees himself. He cares about her and is capable of taking in this information; he has room for it. But it’s not something he takes lightly, and neither does she. See you next year.

Tumblr user chainofclovers and the TV show Ted Lasso. My brain is going wild thinking about all the ways the next “truth bomb” conversation could go in 3x11 or whatever. Maybe they go full consistent parallel and Rebecca confesses something else, this time about her and Ted or some other big future thing that impacts him as much or more as the other confessions have. (The same but different.) Maybe the tables turn and Ted has something to confess to her. While the 1x9 conversation ended in an embrace and the 2x11 conversation ended with a bit more physical distance (understandable given the current state of their relationship and the nature of the discussion), the verbal ending of both conversations involved voices moving into a sexier lower register while zooming in to talk specifically about their connection to each other, so I have to assume there will be some consistencies in s3 even if the circumstances will be completely different. I don’t really know where I’m going with this and I obviously will go insane if I sustain this level of anticipatory energy until Fall 2022 but I have a feeling my brain and heart are going to try!

Sam and Rebecca. I know there’s been a lot of criticism about whether this show is being at all realistic about the power dynamics and inevitable professional issues this relationship would create. On some level, I agree; I like that pretty much everyone who knows about the affair has been kind so far, but you can be kind and still ask someone to contend with reality. But I also think that in nearly every plot point on this show, the narrative is driven by how people feel about their circumstances first and foremost. (It’s why the whiteboard in the coaching office and the football commentators tell us more about how the actual football season is going from a points perspective than anyone else.) This episode reminded me how few people know about Sam and Rebecca, and how much their time together so far has been time spent in bed. The private sphere. I thought this episode really expertly brought the public sphere into it, not—thank goodness—through a humiliating exposure or harsh judgment but through an opportunity for Sam that illustrates not only all his potential to do great things but how much Rebecca’s professional position and personal feelings are in conflict with that. Could stand in the way of that. I don’t have a strong gut feeling about where this will go, but I do think Sam’s face in his final scene of this episode is telling. He started the episode wanting to see Rebecca (his most recent text to her was about wanting to connect), and Edwin’s arrival from Ghana really exploded his sense of what is possible for his life. If he’d arrived home to Rebecca sitting on his stoop prior to meeting Edwin, he’d have been delighted. Now he’s conflicted, and whatever decision he makes, he has to reckon with the reality that he cannot have everything he wants. No matter what. And Rebecca—she has taken Ted’s advice and is attempting to be honest about the fact that she can’t control Sam’s decisions but hopes he doesn’t go, and even saying that much feels so inappropriate. And I’m not sure how much she realizes about the inappropriateness of the position she’s putting him in, although maybe she’s getting there considering she exits the scene very quickly. I’ve honestly loved Rebecca’s arc this season. I think it’s realistic that she got obsessed with the intimacy she thought she could find in her phone. I think it’s realistic that her professional and personal ambitions are inappropriately linked. (They certainly were for Rupert. It’s been years since she’s known anything different; even if she’s done some significant recovery work to move on from her abusive marriage and figure out her own priorities, she’s got a long way to go.) I know there are people who will read this interaction between Rebecca and Sam as a totally un-self-aware thing on the part of “the show” or “the writers” but what I saw is two people who enjoyed being in bed together and now have to deal with the reality that they’re in two different places in their lives and that one has great professional power over the other. If that wasn’t in the show, I wouldn’t be able to see it or feel so strongly about it.

Edwin and Sam. I really enjoyed all the complexities of this interaction. Edwin is promising a future for Sam that doesn’t quite exist yet, though he has the financial means to make it happen. He offers this by constructing for Sam a Nigerian—and Ghanaian—experience unlike anything he’s found in London. Sam is amazed that this experience is here, and Edwin’s response is to explain to him that the experience is not here. Not really. The experience in Africa. Sam has of course connected to the other Nigerian players on the team, but this is something else entirely. I’m really curious if Sam is going to end up feeling that what Edwin has to offer is real or not. That sense of home and connection? So real. And so right that he would want to experience that homecoming and would want to be part of building that experience for others. But at the end of the day, he went to a museum full of actors and a pop-up restaurant full of “friends,” and is that constructed authenticity as a stand-in for a real homecoming more or less real than the home he’s building in Richmond? (With other players who stand in solidarity with him, and with well-meaning white coaches who say dumb stuff sometimes, and an a probably-doomed love interest, and a feeling that he should put chicken instead of goat in the jollof, and the ability to stand out as an incredible player on a rising team.)

Nate and everyone. But also Nate and no one. Nate’s story is so painful and I’m so anxious for next week’s episode. For a long time I’ve felt that a lot of Nate’s loyalties are with Richmond, and a lot of his ambitions are around having given so much to this place without getting a lot back, and having a strong feeling that he’s the answer to Richmond’s future. But now I’m not so sure; his ambitions have transferred into asking everyone he knows (except Ted, of course), if they want to be “the boss.” But Nate is all tactics and no communication. When he wants to suggest a new play to Ted, he hasn’t yet learned to read Ted’s language to learn that Ted is eager to hear what he has to say. And while Ted has been really unfortunately distracted about Nate and dismissive of him this season, he clearly respects Nate’s approach to football and was appreciative of the play. Nate just can’t hear that. The suit is such a great metaphor of all the things Nate is in too much pain to be able to hear clearly. Everyone digs at him for wearing the suit Ted bought him (including Will, who’s got to get little cuts in where he can, because he’s got to be sick of the way Nate treats him), but when he gets fed up his solution isn’t to go out on his own and find more clothes he likes; he asks Keeley to help him. And then crosses a major line with her...and no matter how kind she was about it, she was clearly not okay. Everything is going to blow up, and I’m so curious as to whether Nate will end up aligning himself with Rupert in some way or if he’s going to end up screwed over by Rupert and in turn try to screw over his colleagues even worse than he’s already done. Or try desperately to make amends even though it could be too late for some. Either way, I’m fully prepared to feel devastated. (And there’s no way I’m giving up on this character. If he’s able to learn, I truly believe he could end up seeking forgiveness and forging a happier existence for himself. Someday. Like in season 3 or something.)

Ted and Trent. Trent deciding to reveal his source to Ted is a huge deal, and I’m torn between so many emotions about this exposé. I’m glad it’s a Trent Crimm piece and not an Ernie Loundes piece. I’m glad that Trent made the decision to warn Ted and let him know that Nate is his source. I fear—but also hope—that this exposure will set off a chain reaction of Ted learning about some of the things he’s missed while suffering through a really bad bout with his dad-grief and panic disorder. The things Ted doesn’t know would devastate him. I wonder if Ted will want to figure out a way to make Nate feel heard and reconcile with him, and I wonder how that will be complicated if/when he realizes Nate has severely bullied Will, gets more details on how he mistreated Colin, etc. I wonder if Rebecca, whom Nate called a “shrew” right before she announced his promotion, will be in the position of having to ask Ted to fire him, or overriding Ted and doing it herself. So many questions! I have a feeling it’ll go in some wild yet very human-scaled, emotionally-nuanced direction, and I’ll be like “Oh my GOD!” but also like “Oh, of course.”

This VERY SERIOUS AND EMOTIONAL REVIEW has a major flaw, which is that none of the above conversations include mention of the absolute love letter to N*SYNC. Ted passionately explains how things should go while dancing ridiculously! Will turns on the music and starts gyrating! Roy nods supportively! Beard shouts the choreography like the Broadway choreographer of teaching grown men who play football how to dance like a boy band. Everyone is so incredibly proud when they nail it. I love them.

I cannot believe next week is the end. For now. I’m kind of looking forward to letting everything settle during the hiatus, but I’ve really loved the ride.

[kenmaskitten10]

Dilf Deku Headcanons

Midoriya Izuku x GN!Reader

warnings: swearing, NSFW themes (nothing graphic just briefly mentioned),brief mention of bullying/scars, idk this is pretty tame nothing is really described... if u don't like dilfs then don't read this :)

a/n: okay! this is my first time writing/publishing anything on Tumblr so please go easy on me haha... I've had ridiculous Deku brain rot lately and I decided I had to jot a few thoughts down. I'm playing with the idea of turning this into a writing blog, but I am undecided! If anyone wants to thirst for one Izuku Midoriya please come talk to me please anyway without further ado here are some Dilf!Deku hcs.... I'm playing around with doing a NSFW version after this so if you would like to see that let me know!

w/c: 1,498

Okay everyone today I want to talk about Dilf!Izuku

This may be controversial but I personally believe that he has the most Dilf potential out of any of the class 1A boys and no I will not be taking criticism at this time

Sorry but even when he’s younger he has Dilf energy - he’s caring, considerate, takes your feelings into account like a dad he just wants to take care of his baby

oh fuck this man no no no

And listen, here me out on this one….. he has more dilf potential than Bakugo and allow me to tell you why

We can all agree that Bakugo has been confident his entire life, so of course he’s going to be confident when he’s older?? duh

But IZUKU is a different story altogether, he’s never felt confident in his life

His whole childhood he was looked down on for being quirkless, and bullied by someone he thought was his friend kachaan

THEN he got a quirk but oh every time he uses it it breaks all his fucking bones and leaves him with all these scars, and he appreciates them because of what they represent but also he’s young when he gets them, he’s already prone to insecurity and when he’s younger ESPECIALLY i think they just remind him of previous failures

He only started to gain a little bit of confidence in his UA days, but it takes time to rebuild yourself after you’ve been torn down for so long, so I honestly imagine he doesn’t even feel an inkling of confidence until his third year or later and even then, it’s new, it’s unfamiliar, he doesn’t totally know how to act

Because yes, by his third year, he’s starting to realize, oh wow okay, I have an incredible quirk and all these new abilities that I can control better, and wow people are paying attention for good reasons , because he’s tall and attractive, probably cuts his hair undercut Izuku supremacy and he’s made some solid friends who help boost his confidence too

But despite all this, deep down he still feels like that quirkless little kid who has to work three times as hard as anyone else and still doesn’t get the recognition he deserves

But OH BOY

DILF IZUKU??? This man is dripping with confidence

he’s older now. he’s overcome a lot. he’s gone to therapy, and worked his way through the pro hero ranks until he earned his number one spot fair and square, that’s something no one can take away from him

He’s loaded now (see below because I go on a whole tangent), he has nice tasteful style that can only come with age and experience

He knows he’s hot now, because its simply no longer something that can be denied, anyone with eyes can see how attractive he is

If he catches you staring at him, he doesn’t shy away. His cheeks might tint slightly, but he stares right back with the biggest smirk on his face. “See something you like, angel?”

Probably finds reasons to show off slightly but he’s Dilf!Izuku so it’s subtle, it’s meant just for you and god does it drive you crazy

The way he’ll reach for and grab at things when he’s around you because he knows you like his hands (he wants to hold your bags and please let him he just wants to feel needed)

They way he stands behind you while you cook, or work, or read…. He sees you sitting or standing so peacefully and he’ll come up behind you to check out what it is you’re doing. He’ll lean down slowly, quietly, stopping when his breath is on your neck and your nose is filled with his scent, and take a quick peek at whatever it is you’re working on. It takes you a moment to turn around, your heart starting to beat faster in your chest due to his looming presence behind you (I DON’T KNOW WHY THIS IS HOT TO ME IT JUST IS OKAY). When you finally turn to face him, his face breaks into a small smile of victory as his strong hand catches your jaw in a gentle grip and he places an achingly soft kiss to your lips before saying “You look so cute when you’re concentrating,”. As you’re about to go in for another, he lets you go and stands up again, his eyes twinkling. “No no, you’re working so hard baby, don’t let me distract you,” WHEN ALL HE WANTED WAS TO DISTRACT YOU and he succeeded and now you’re all hot and bothered, with no hope of resuming what you were doing

Dilf Deku is a tease I know he is but it’s okay he’ll make it up to you later ;)

He’s got shorter, slightly more cropped hair with grey mixed in with the green, his face more lean and angular… not to mention years of pro hero work have toned his body into an absolute work of art I’m gonna pass out just thinking about it

Freckles splashed across his skin like hundreds of little constellations, accented by scars and marks from old wounds (which he’s come to appreciate - they show how hard he’s worked, how much he’s sacrificed to get to where he is now) he’s muscular but I don’t think he’s quite as big as All Might (his fighting style is a lot different so of course he would build muscle in different places) so this means LEGS LEGS LEGS

LEG MUSCLES FOR DAYS

THICK FUCKING THIGHS oh my god

And holy shit his back muscles too WHEW sometimes in the morning when he gets up before you, you watch him sit on the edge of the bed and flex his shoulders and arms to stretch out in the hazy morning light and Jesus Christ

Dilf Deku is older now, he’s spent his entire life working himself too hard and he missed out on a lot of the fun, impulsive, chaotic things young people do, so I think he wants to let loose a little in his older age, have some fun for once

And what’s more perfect than sweet, youthful, tantalizing little you to indulge in ?

He’s so doting, just wants to make you feel special and cared for

And on that note, if you will indulge me for a moment

he’s fucking RICH like

He’s the number one pro hero, he has brand deals on brand deals on brand deals

And I don’t mean to slander All Might and Endeavor, but in terms of a hot, fuckable number one pro hero, Deku has them beat by a landslide so I imagine he has a wider range of brand deals too, because he can sell the sex appeal angle

I mean can you imagine him in interviews? Interacting with fans? Confident yes, but still soft spoken and kind, almost gentle but anyone can tell he’s completely in control, of himself, of the interview, of the audience, this man has the entire country world wrapped around his little finger

All this to say he’s DRIPPING WITH MONEY

he’s like the guy that overtips an OBSCENE amount like if the waiter is really nice he’ll tip like $300 dollars and won’t even blink (I know they don’t tip at restaurants in Japan but this is more for vibes yk)

sugar daddy deku isn’t a stretch it’s a REALITY

Y’all can be officially together or not, either way Deku loves to spoil his precious little y/n

All you have to do is smile sweetly and ask, and he’s absolute putty in your hands

Complies with even the most egregious of your demands, because hey, he has the money to spare, and how could he say no when you look so cute asking so politely?

GOOD TASTE too like he has a lot of money but he knows how to spend it 😏

Additionally he’s, ya know, him, so he’s insanely charitable and donates to charities, go fund me, personal Venmo accounts of fans that need it

if a fan has like a go fund me for some reason that catches his eye, he’s going to donate and he’s going to donate a lot (A LOT)

he doesn’t even do it for the press, he does it bc he’s a good person but my GOD the press eats it up and so do the fans

These hc’s are so self indulgent but all this to say

Dilf!Deku gets what he wants when he wants it and no one is standing in his way

So when he decides it’s you he wants? Well then it’s you he’s going to get!

[hyaciiintho]

❀ || As I’m sure some of you have noticed, I’m slowly making a return to here  ♡ I’ll more than likely start clean and just do new threads (I do that all the time, I know, I’m sorry pfft~) but I mostly want to get specific things done first before diving in too hard into the rpc again. I’ll see how I do trying to reply to what I have right now in my drafts, but-- no promises, so I apologize!

For the things I want to do, specifically it’s re-write rules and create card pages for everything instead of relying on tumblr’s constantly breaking code gfdjklhg but to simplify it: 

- I’ll probably be sticking to shorter threads, and if they become longer the more it goes on, then cool. But otherwise... I need something to hook me into an actively going thread so I can become invested. My attention span has gotten worse over the years, and I just need some more fast-paced interactions to keep me hooked!

And that’s really about it honestly pfft~ I hope others can be patient with me as I try to get back on my feet. I’ll give more IRL updates below the cut, but aside from that... I hope everyone has a lovely day and has been taking care of themselves!  ♡ ♡ ♡ If anyone really wants to keep anything we had, just let me know, otherwise it’s just up to my silly little brain to determine what I want to keep pfft~ Okay, I love you, bye-bye  ♡

Psyche, it’s time for the IRL info dump whoo !!

Just a lot of adjusting and battling with my brain. It’s hard to commit to things and start on others once you’ve fallen off the wagon, so it’s been an incredibly hard battle trying to get back into the swing of... anything, really! It’s tough! 

I did catch The Plague™ in December (I felt awful around the 20th) and now I’m still feeling the after effects. I jokingly said wow I hope this doesn’t awaken the secret asthmatic in me haha and it really does feel that way honestly pfft~

Aside from that, 2022 has just been a whirlwind of up’s and down’s, but I’ve been working through it and moving passed it. I’m hoping 2023 turns out to be a more productive year for me, so I’ve been trying to make a schedule for myself to try and accomplish that... with how my brain works though, it’s been harder than it really should for a person, but I’m doing my best  ♡ Trying to get back into streaming and getting more of a variety of things done (like not play the same game every night and actually play the other games I have that I have yet to touch and still have wrapped in plastic)

And also make time for friends I don’t usually get to hang out with and talk to and play games with. It’s sucks because I know it’s an awful feeling of being like... scheduled to hang out with, like it’s an appointment or something, but man, honestly, with how I function? It’s amazing I get even the bare basic functions of my own life handled without collapsing and wanting to sleep for 7 years :/ 

Social stuff and online stuff... hobbies and activities... work... all of it is so draining and I don’t think people really understand how hard it is to even just go to work and come home and then make dinner for myself. I hyper focus on one thing (work, mostly) and then get nothing else done the rest of my day. So this scheduling thing is really the best I can do to try and fit everything and everyone I care for into my life... it’s the best I can do, and I’m sorry about that, but I am trying.

Kind of why doing smaller replies on tumblr for rp would be best for me too. I just really can’t keep my focus on these things, and I want to enjoy writing and rp, I just cannot sit here for 2 months waiting on a long ass reply that isn’t going anywhere and still have that huge drive to drop multiple paragraphs in turn. I am patient, I do not rush anyone because I do not like to be rushed in turn. This is just the trend I’ve found myself falling into, because I write so much and get so much in return-- that we both need so much time to get the energy and drive to write a bunch for our replies, that I just... fall out of interest or drive when that reply comes in because I’ve been waiting too long for my brain’s liking. It’s not because I don’t want to reply or don’t want to write with you. It’s just my brain loses the drive and suddenly that exciting thread is less exciting, more like work. I don’t want that. So I’m doing my best to fix that  ♡ 

2023 is the designated year to try and improve myself in every aspect  ♡ as a person, in my outlook, inside and out-- Just improvements all around. The quote I’m living by is “Romanticize your life more; There is magic in every little thing. You just have to look hard enough.” So that’s what I’m trying to do  ♡ 

This was a lot, so I’ll stop rambling pfft~ I hope everyone has a lovely day, take care of yourselves, and if you read all this?? You’re insane-- but also thank you, and I give you well wishes  ♡ ♡ ♡ Okay... back to work I go!