#but also im a horrible role model do as i say not as i do

[buntress]

I hope I'm not just a faggot to you guys but an inspiration

[angelflms]

oh boy. guess i have something to say about CK after all. get ready. it's gonna be a fucking doozy because ima bout to piss off so many people.

yall cared wayyyy too much about robby (this is coming from a robby lover).

for a cheesy, straightforward show, some of y'all didn't understand its tropes at all. or at least what it was trying to tell you, especially when it comes to the roles miguel and robby are supposed to be in.

miguel has been and always will be the show's karate kid. he was supposed to be the daniel of the story, hell even GQ just said it in an article about the show recently. robby was always supposed to be a johnny-like foil to miguel. the thing is that the show tries to bamboozle you into thinking otherwise because of who's training them, how they're trained, and how they act because of the type of training they're initially recieved.

yes, miguel acts very similar to johnny in the show. yes most of the og TKK call backs they make with him are in relation to johnny, but he is the underdog character. you know how everyone expected johnny to win in TKK because he was a fucking champ and such. it's almost like how we as an audience for awhile assume that robby is gonna be the final end all champ of the series. but just like with johnny, we're proven wrong. it's just that the bullet was in a different gun this time. it's the one in the ck gi who won this time.

idk why people get so mad over miguel's victories when it was always supposed to be him that was gonna win. the show is called cobra kai for a reason, therefore, the final winner of the show is gonna be someone from that dojo. it only makes sense. and since the main karate kid that started off the show was a ck member originally, surprise! he's gonna be the final victor of the show.

---

now im seeing a lot of hatred towards johnny's character, again because of robby. now yes, johnny was a fucking horrible dad. and as a girl who's bio dad is a piece of shit like johnny was and has never been in my life (even started a business similar in the world as johnny's), i understand robby's dad pain a lot, even more so than miguel's.

but what you don't understand is that cobra kai is a show about generational pain. generational trauma. generational grief. generational hurt. the whole story revolves around pain that started 30 years prior (even further if you bring up kreese). the show also is about breaking the cycle once brought upon you to better the future for those who look up to you.

johnny is close to miguel because he was his second chance at being a better father figure to him. he didn't expect that he would get robby back in his life the way he did (robby literally told him to rightfully stay away) so he focused heavily on miguel and his family. now once he and robby reconciled, it was a huge breaking the circle moment because johnny lawrence is a victim of physical and verbal child abuse from both his step-dad, sid and his father figure, kreese. kreese was to johnny what he is to robby, but less abusive. and robby was to kenny what johnny was to him, but robby eventually broke the cycle, something that johnny was able to eventually do himself.

that emotional scene between johnny and kreese wasn't just emotional but kreese's final moment of realization that he was a horrible man and father figure to johnny. he hurt him so bad that he couldn't be a normal human being, which in turn caused him to be an absentee parent to robby. not saying that it's okay but it's understandable. not getting that johnny is a broken person just ruins the whole point of the show's point of generational pain, something the show is nearly spoon feeding the audience to.

yes johnny is horrible as a father, but damn it the man didn't have a father figure as a model. all of his figures were abusive, absentee drunks who never saw his potential. that was a norm for him.

---

ive said many times that y'all talk wayyyyy too much shit about miguel for no reason. and the way this season ended and how much y'all are upset, im starting to look at a lot of you in a side-eyed way. like his character arc is poorly written but that's not his fault. the writers hate him i feel. look i love robby and i hated the way he went out but at the end of the day, you need to understand that he wasn't gonna be the final guy. maybe i think too much in terms of the nuances of shows but i'd like to think this was the most straightforward show about fighting out there. like there wasn't much of a hidden message as they told you what they were. maybe yall are too lost in the fact that y'all care so much about robby that you don't care. maybe im missing something as i have only been in the fandom for over a year. or maybe y'all just subconsciously racist atp because the hatred miguel and xolo get for no reason is beyond me.

but i will give everyone this: the show's writing sucks.

they didn't know how to write certain characters and i feel like it was due to wanting to please everyone because i remember the death threats this fandom threw towards so many people during the lockdown days. but the show genuinely can go past surface level shit and it sucks. i wrote a whole thing dedicated to how miguel's storyline should've went post-coma because honestly they fucked his character up BIG time. but at the end of the day, i do think, even with good writing, he deserved that ending. i just wished everyone else agreed.

[changbinsboobs]

yes pleasue you have interesting things to read about. hmm i also wondered how they view their reputation among both male and female idols? do they think it could be better or worse?

Since this requires lots of time to read for im gonna split it up in 2 groups again

Hyung line: How Skz think their reputation is among idols

Chan

Male: that one was a bit weird i think he thinks the opinions are split - like some absolutely love him and think he's a delight to be around, while others find him cold and stern and appalling(?).

Female: he definitely thinks he's charming them girls up😂 i think he thinks he has a loverboy image among them and is boyfie material.

Lee Know

Male: he thinks they view him as very motherly and caring. Often surprised by his nurturing and father/mother like qualities.

Female: thinks they view him as uninterested and maybe don't even have much else of an opinion of him cuz he's just not present around them.

Changbin

Male: thinks they view him as really fun and upcheering, kind of like the heart of the group or center of attention. He also thinks that they think of him as someone who brings or holds a group/hangout together. Like the burning flame that keeps the campers surrounded around it, warm.

Female: he thinks they like him and have a good opinion on him and feel comfortable & safe around him (he says one telling thing is that he gets to see their dorky side often, which they keep under wraps with other guys/people). Also he thinks that they like his money or view him as someone who's very generous and can spend on them🥲💀😂

Hyunjin

Male: this was also a bit difficult, i think this mightve struck a nerve or something as im getting an energy of him being very hurt by some sort of rumours or behavioursbof someone and it shattered his "views" of some people. Maybe there was a rumour or something spreading about him among guys that either isnt true and he feels horrible that someone put it out there and people believe it and now thinks everyone thinks bad of him or something, or maybe the rumors actually true, and he's certain someone he thought was his friend started it and whichever it is he feels really shitty and austrasized about it. Dont know if thats actually true - like if he's been really austrasized or not, but thats definitely what he feels. Back to the topic tho - his overal thoughts besides that, on his image among male idols is they think he's very cool and fierces, he thinks he's kind of a role model especially for younger ones, like ifhglgkg yk that energy of a big and little sis, and the younger one looks up to the bigger one. So in a way i think he thinks that a lot of guys look up to him and think he's really cool.

Female: here i don't pick up much on his reputation persee but he thinks that lots of female idols just look at him from afar and admire him, despite really wanting to get close or make a move but for some reason i get the feeling that they don't? As if he's there to just be admired but not touched😂 like the art in the museum. Maybe he has heard rumours or something about people really liking him and thinking about or wanting to make a move. But again im no getting much of a confirmation if they actually do or not. Oh and also in this reading rumours were pretty evident, so maybe he's someone that has had to deal with lots of that. Maybe he's in those kinds of groups where theres always some drama happening😂 or he just enjoys endulging in rumours or gossip himself? Idk but that stuck out in this reading so🤷🏻‍♀️

[puddlesl1me]

oh im just doing so great. so fantastic.

and it doesnt even matter! none of it matters at all! because in the end no one sees this, no one cares about this, and no one can help me!

and its so awful of me, to want to get help from others in this way, to want to get help from people who are struggling so much more than i am. they dont have the energy to help. they cant help because they need to help themselves first. so im not allowed to ask for help, and yet i do, like the selfish crab i am.

and i expect help as well! i want all my problems that i bring up in vent posts to be mentioned by someone, and thats so awfully needy of me! who am i to ask for that, to ask people to help me in this way? im not nearly important enough for that, nor can anyone actually help me.

...theres actually no reason that i should be feeling like this. that i should want to die, that i should want to feel worse so i can die. everyone else actually has reasons to feel bad. bad parents, horrible accidents, any number of things. and guess what?

I DONT EVEN HAVE ANY TRAUMA!!! IM NOTHING!!! THERES NO REASON I SHOULD BE LIKE THIS!!!

and yet here i am, attempting to steal the spotlight from others, just to feel like something. here i am, attempting to act like others, so i can feel important. theres nothing actually wrong with me, is there? my parents have almost always been good to me, ive never gotten seriously injured in a way that would affect me mentally, ive never experienced a great loss, ive got no reason to feel like this.

and yet. and yet i do. aaaaall to give me some sort of identity. aaaall to make me seem like an actual person rather than a cardboard cutout. a crabbing awful cardboard cutout, too, since i cant even play the role im supposed to play.

maybe thats it. maybe the key is to just continue with my role

BUT I CANT. I CANT DO THAT. ill kill myself before then

oh, but ill kill myself anyways, wont i? theres no reason for me to be here, and dont you dare try to argue otherwise. everyone i know can find a replacement for me. sorry. im not too concerned about all of you. youll lose me and itll all turn out fine.

i just need to make sure i stay feeling awful. i have to wake up awful and go to school awful and go home awful and go to bed awful. a week of this should do it. maybe more if im still feeling like a coward.

and i need to find a way to distract my therapist. i cant be talking about this if i want to die. theyll try to stop me and it wont go well and i CANT HAVE THAT. so i need topics to discuss without drawing suspicion. so that i dont lose my therapist but i also dont alert them that im not doing well. that would erase all my progress.

hhhhhh these vent posts are so annoying to make. i hate that im forced to make them. im sorry for subjecting you all to this. i know im terrible and awful. you cant help and im making you think that you can. im sorry. its awful of me to do that to yall. im the only one that knows better, and im setting an awful role model.

supposedly, i wanted to schedule this so i didn't feel bad about posting it when someone else is doing bad. i suppose ill schedule it for... 7:30, or maybe 7, well say. that way people have some amount of time to see it. maybe.

...not like anyone other than one person will. not like it matters. because people seeing this wont help. no one can reasonably respond to all of this. no one can reasonably help me either. i just need to suffer for the next week or so and i can kill myself. itll be fine. its fine. its fine.

...oh look at me, coming back to this over and over, trying to add more to sentence myself to worse fates. you know people wont read all of this. why bother. the more you add, the less theyll see, the less theyll read, the less theyll respond to. better to spam people like the crab you are.

...like you have been for the past week, with your daily vent posts. no one wants to see this. n-

no, stop. we arent doing this right now. we said wed end this, so lets do that. sorry everyone.

[seraphxp]

Okay so this is out of my regular / usual content but since it’s resurfacing I guess I’d like to take part in the discussion.

I am neutral on both sides with both Melanie Martinez and Timothy Heller. I feel both of their stories don’t make sense so I’d like to try and clear stuff up in my own head.

TW: possible mentions of Sa and 🍇

I found out about this drama going down about a couple weeks ago on tiktok and in the beginning of it all, honestly I was on Melanie’s side. Before you decide to throw me to the sharks, I would just like to say that i was adamant and refused to believe someone like Melanie could do something that bad… but that view quickly shifted to, “im on Melanie’s side because people love to make allegations about this all the time for clout.”

However, I then did some searching around and decided maybe hey, innocent until proven guilty. While I haven’t found enough evidence of a case of S.A. happening since most of Timothy’s claims of when it happened didn’t make sense along with the story of the images. But, I do think it’s entirely possible that she’s been a victim. A celebrity doing this to someone isn’t unheard of, but the reason I found it absurd was because Melanie really seemed like a good person and for a while she was my role model and idol.

But, after she posted a literal song and not even acknowledging the allegations at all really made me think, “wow, that’s the mindset of an abuser.” It honestly reminded me of Colleen and, no, Piggyback was not an apology song. It was an immature way of telling Timothy that no one will believe Tim because she’s a filthy liar. No. Even if Melanie was innocent she shouldn’t react that way. The audacity of her to make herself into a victim instead ADDRESSING what happened, pisses me off.

This all went down in 2017 and I’ve seen Timothy’s video and I hope that maybe things can be cleared up. I believe in change, even if the person was problematic, but if they only apologize to gain back their status…. Then i absolutely would still hate them. I feel horrible for Timothy, seriously, no one should ever have to go through that and I was relieved to find out she was actually okay. However, her story is flawed and a bit confusing. But, she has more of an understanding tone, trying to explain the actions of herself and Melanie. I guess understanding isn’t the word but I mean trying to provide context and proof of what did happen. Those backfired, of course and Melanie decided to just say “wasn’t me” instead of actually addressing what happened or what might’ve happened or actually acknowledging what she’s been accused of.

Also, just a bonus but I love to watch interrogations and honestly Melanie’s claim is the least believable. Melanie is in complete denial (at least in 2017) about it and literally doesn’t own up or even discuss it at all. This is a huge red flag, even if some of the evidence Tim has contradicts itself, it’s still more believable with Melanie’s reaction.

Just my opinion, I feel like Melanie needs to address this like an adult instead of just playing victim.

[bunnygirl678]

Dmdiidjwkxocjahzhckzknxnaakkzoxbsn

Anxiety posting under the cut feel free to ignore lol

So we have annual reviews coming up and they’re like super high anxiety for me.

My boss is the type to always list something to improve which is a good thing I know but I just get so hung up on it…

We used to do these quarterly but now we do them once a year but ughhhhh

And like this one is one that we’re doing salary type stuff which is even more stressful and it’s worse because I know the financial health of the company so I don’t always feel comfortable negotiating especially when I know other people can’t get raises

But then the way I try to get myself ready for them is to assume I’m going to get an absolutely horrible review, like I’m mentally preparing to be crushed which is dumb cause my boss did a pre review a few weeks back where he was like you’re doing great and I want to move you up

But my brain is still like no you need to assume this is terrible and you’re probably about to get fired…

Like originally it was hmm I wonder how much my raise is gonna be, then getting kinda excited but then stepping back and like no don’t expect a big one which turned into the cost of living we are giving people which would mean like a very tiny raise, and then that snowballed into you’re gonna be lucky to get anything then you’re gonna get fired

Like this is the only work related thing I just can’t handle lol

Anyway all this to say im freaking the fuck out and will be taking a sleeping tablet for the night LOL

It’s funny too because last year he was like… do you actually like this job because your self assessment is much worse than what I said, and I’m like you don’t understanddddddd, but when we did the pre review he was like do not freak out this is not a bad review, and I was still like ima puke my guts out omgggg

That and he always says something really sweet and I get uncomfortable cause it’s always a thing for me with like authority figures and honestly I think this is cause my parents suck… WAIT hold on I think I just worked out why I’m like this

My mother had a parent teacher conference when I was like 5th grade and apparently the teacher said something about wanting to hold me back a year because I was so mature and a good role model (honestly red flag if a kid is overly mature there’s prolly something wrong lol) and my mother decided to play a joke on me and tell me the teacher wanted to hold me back, and I remember being in the car and like sobbing??? Thinking my life was over, which is dumb but literally my entire self worth as a kid was around being smart and being successful,

Anyway I’m going to read I’m glad my mother died at some point haha

As an adult I don’t base my self worth on success of careers or anything like that but I still get super anxious with reviews— also I got a really shitty review at a company once buttt I was very poorly trained and my boss didn’t want to help me with anything?? Anddddd I was pregnant and I’m going to be honest my brain was not smart when I was pregnant, my IQ must have dropped 50 points lol apparently that’s common tho anyway they couldn’t fire me cause I told them I was pregnant that next day and I ended up quitting instead of coming back after maternity

So between that job and my mother I think that’s the core to my current reaction. My boss is already like ‘please don’t freak out and I’m not firing you’ so at least he knows me lmao

[witchthewriter]

I hope this isn't a weird question but do you have a list of sjm characters that you headcanon as poc? Because I want to see what you think and if they line up with my own. I had never seen manon fan casted as asian, but im in love with it!!

I love this question! I've been re-reading the three series, getting ready for CC3 to come out. I have so many things to say, but I'll leave all that to another post - also thank you for this question, it's awesome. Please comment how you feel/what you think in the comments xx

𝐀𝐂𝐎𝐓𝐀𝐑

First of all, the Bat Boys are NOT white. If I see another person fancast Matthew Daddario as Ariel, I will implode! I know it's difficult getting the perfect cast for a story we all adore.

Another point, the Bat Boys are Illyrian, and they are actual real people. Their usual features are tan skin, brown eyes and brown/black hair.

Also, Lucien - who I have fancasted in the past with Martin Sensmeier. I thought it was an interesting idea for a Native American to have that role.

And Amren is MOST DEFINITELY Asian. Without a doubt. There is no ifs, buts or maybes about it. She is most definitely Asian, and I will take offense if someone thinks otherwise.

Also, I don't want the Archerons to be so conventionally pretty, or petite. That's why Alycia Debnam-Carey is my Feyre, Dagmara Bryzek as Elain and Jessica Brown-Findlay as Nesta. I want women who aren't models!

The Valkyries;l Emerie is described as brown, as she is an Illyrian woman. And I'm completely fine with Gwen being red-haired, freckled and pale.

I'm curious about Mor, her physical features are fine - but her 'power' has yet to be revealed. Because it doesn't make sense???

𝐓𝐎𝐆

There are a lot more cultures in this series than the others. For me, it was so interesting because I'm desperate to know how different countries/continents, experience magic.

Learning about the Ruk's, with Nesryn and Sartaq, that was amazing.

I thought Manon was Asian, I always thought she was?! I mean from that link, that's how I imagined her. Whenever I see fanart where she isn't Asian, I just don't see them as Manon.

I definitely think the Cadre could be more than "tanned from hours of training in the sun." I think Lorcan could be a black man! And I def think Fenrys is half-black. Maybe with a white mother though. I hope I'm not coming off as insensitive! Please tell me if I am, because that isn't my intent.

Honestly, I don't care about what's 'canon,' I think there are way too many white characters in every part of literature. I know about history and when it comes down to fantasy worlds, I think black people should be allowed to indulge themselves as much as they want, without having to think about their awful history and what their culture has gone through.

𝐂𝐂

I actually thought Danika was black, it was a surprise to see fanart and she isn't??? For some reason, it doesn't sit right with me to have a white Danika.

Again, I feel like there aren't enough people of colour. We have little fire sprites, we have a lion-dog pet, a serpent queen, angels, and barely anyone who isn't beyond tan.

I don't think this series has a black character ... other than a few background characters that are only mentioned here and there ... if anyone wants to weigh in - I'm still learning about cc, I forget A LOT.

But in no way has SJM been as horrible as J.K. Rowling. Not only was she racist, but cliche', and a pick me. There was too much pick-me energy among the female characters. I'd like to think that at Hogwarts, the girls stick together no matter what (for me, female friendships are so important. It's sisterhood).

[razzmothazz]

okay, but what fob songs and lines for what characters, I want to know also, for autism reasons lmao.

IM SO GLAD YOU ASKED BUT ALSO I DONT WANNA GO TOO DEEP CAUSE I COULD TALK ABT IT FOR HOURS AAAA

i could take reqs for certains songs cause i have thoughts on nearly all of them, but im gonna ramble rn about how i feel so much (for) stardust [album, not the song specifically] is so vbs to me actually...

starting off strong with love from the other side

THIS IS SO AN TO ME !!! especially after her learning about how everyone hid the passing of someone SO important to her away for three god damn years.

this part is kinda self explanatory i feel? especially "what would you trade the pain for", refering to the pain of losing her role model of sorts of course. someone she looked up to so much and held in such high regard and she didnt even know theyve been gone.. she makes me SOB

this part refering to her feeling like the whole "city" [vivid street] pretty much lied to her and deceived her, everything feels wrong and off now. its not the same home it was before.

the feeling in this case would obviously be grief, anger and so many others tbh, she lets the feelings out and uses music as an outlet of sorts for it ?? not sure how to explain what i mean [im writing this at 3am sorry] the feelings are so overwhelming i dont think she could fight them if she wanted to, but why would you want to fight such justified feelings ?? i feel SO bad for her omg

this part works for all of vbs, but i feel like it especially applies to akito and an, obviously referencing surpassing rad weekend and how difficult it is considering their constant feeling of inferiority, with akitos being a pretty extreme case of it.

also just feels to me like something akito would actually say/sing

also haha funny hampster refering to kohane /j

i dont have words that can describe this line other than just imagine an singing it with the context of what i said before. that is all.

OFF TO HEARTBREAK FEELS SO GOOD

this is just very vbs to me, its easy to apply their stories and themes to these verses. they will surpass radweekend someday. they can do it, and they can do it together and go even further after, hopefully.

the pre-chorus reminded me of akitos situation with older musicians, how they mocked him etc. which at first obviously made him feel horrible, but he learned from that and now he alone is even better than some of them, and with all of vbs at his side hes even better.

dont have as much for this one, so moving on to

HOLD ME LIKE A GRUDGE

one word. AKITOYA.

cmon now. you see the vision.

this is SO akito talking to toya, how he motivates him to do better and better and helps him up any time he feels down.

they are soulmates, no matter how you look at it!! but theres also akito being a bit of a menace as well as often feeling like hes dragging toya down, yet despite that he wants to stay with him. akito doesnt want to do this without toya, and the feeling is obviously mutual [im actually so insane about them. they are SO important to me not even as a romantic couple just 2 guys meant to be together as partners UEUEUUEUEUEUEEE]

after all the hardships theyre still going strong, some dreams were crushed along the way but their main goal is always there.

the pressure bit makes me think about how each of them feels somewhat inferior to the others, [they need therapy istg] which makes them want to constantly keep pushing themselves to do better and better, and to keep going and going. they have what it takes, they just need to work to perfect it. they know they will do it but they still have a lot to figure out, obviously. they get a bit lost and stuck at times trying to get to their desired level but they will surpass rad weekend. someday.

OKAY IM GONNA STOP HERE BUT I COULD GO ON AND ON AAAAAAAAA I LOVE ASSOCIATING MUSIC I LOVE WITH CHARACTERS I LOVE!!!!!!

< 3333333333

[k1tth3al13n]

Diary Entry No.51

I'm feeling really stressed out.

I saw something yesterday and It really disturbed me and I can't stop thinking about it and it's making me feel physically sick.

Also my sis keeps talking about her crush and her new favourite show that she shares with her crush and I'm having such a hard time being supportive and it's frustrating me.

I really want to be there for her but I'm surrounded by so many failed relationships it just worries and scares me. I don't want her to go through the same thing, and feel the same pain I felt when I found out [❤️] didn't like me back.

It hurts so much my whole body feels unsettled I don't know what to do with myself.

And I don't have any time these days to indulge in any of my interests or hobbies so I'm just rotting away trying to keep up with my family and everything.

I'm so stressed for new years too I need to plan what to to so I can figure out what to tell people but I don't want to plan things and my sis is making literally 0 effort

I don't know what to do with myself and also tommorow I might phone call about ADHD and then on Friday I'll be going to the hospital for my disease checkup and I hate going. I hate putting the needle in 100 times and then waiting for an hour in numbing silence T~T

Also I feel really awkward with how much "praise" i get from my sis, its not a lot. I'm not someone that gets compliments every day, so when I do it really sticks out to me.

I hate when my sister "praises" me or anyone for that matter, it makes me feel sick becuz I don't know everything and I'm just trying to figure my life out and it feels like people only say it to push themselves down and put me on this pedestal I don't deserve to be ob nor want to be on.

When I was like 16 my sis wrote a whole ESSAY about how I was her role model and when I found out about it it made me feel sick, it still makes me feel sick

I hate it

I haven't done anything, she's just trying to find more reasons to push herself down and becuz she can't read what's going on in my mind and becuz I have an articulate way of speaking she just assumes I'm someone to look up to

We are twins!!! It makes me feel horrible

Especially when she used to not trust me for so many years and then used to hit me.

I don't like it it makes me feel sick

And in music club people were saying how I had really good music taste which made me happy but also really nervous my whole body was shaking

But now I have to choose an album for everyone to review for the next session and I'm terrified becuase I don't want to pick someone they will all think isn't cool and I don't even know what I'm going yo pick since I don't really listen to albums I listen to random songs T^T

I wanna just drown myself in media and my hobbies I wish I could so bad I hate living in the same room as my sis again now that it's the holiday. I have no privacy to do anything without having someone over my shoulder and my mum is the same in the same house and she won't leave me alone to rest becuz she doesn't feel like the day is spent well unless you are out the house 24/7

Im gonna explode my sister is right behind me I feel so overwhelmed I have no space

Also she's so loud and hyper and I can't tell her about any of these feelings without her freaking out and getting quiet and she's going through so much I can't shatter her self esteem she barley has one T.T

But I feel so overwhelmed everything is so loud, my body is panicked my brain is loud everyone else is loud everything just feels loud and I can't get any seconds of peace and I feel like crying I can't

Also the only thing I can really do right now is write since I have my phone and nothing else to use creative wise, but I don't even know how to write and its really stressing me out and can't even write for fun to practice and it's overwhelming me and I feel hopeless but whenever I try to tell people how I feel they don't understand and just tell me to practice and stuff but o don't know how to describe it. I watch and consume so much how to media and then when I sit down to write my brain goes empty and I get scared I can't even get a word on the paper. And I get so overwhelmed with creating characters it feels like nothing is authentic and it stresses me out so much becuase I just want to self indulgent and nothing satisfies me

[milksnake-tea]

i'm alive (i'm juggling school and work like a horribly trained clown), and i have thoughts-

do you ever think mermaid reader dragged dan feng down with her for baby sitting, and he just got SURROUNDED by little children and their questions, while mer!reader's just trying not to laugh at the whole situation

(it makes him their role model after being able to talk to THE Imbibitor Lunae, so imagine how devastated-)

also had another thought of accidentally going into childcare mode, like bailu or yanqing could say even something small like "aww, i stubbed my toe", and suddenly they're getting scooped and checked for any other injuries like they announced the end was coming for them

SNIFFLES ITS OKAY IM BEING CAUGHT UP TOO IM LIKE DYING INSIDE BC OF SCHOOL THATS WHY I CANT !!!! WRITE !!!!! (Also hi 🪼 anon I saw ur other ask heehaw I know this u)

STOPPP DAN FENG BEING POPULAR AMONG THE MERMAID CHILDREN FR !!!! let him just sit there and watch as they poke him everywhere and ask him stupid questions like are his horns edible and what do they taste like

TBH THO IM SCOOPING UP BAILU IF SHE DOES ANYTHING SHES NOT ALLOWED TO HURT HERSELF !!!! yanqing tho he can take it rolls eyes

[hellincarnation]

I’m Helliote or Eden and I brought some Ribena (a black current juice)

Im really thankful for all of my friends. I stepped into social media overthinking everything. And sometimes I still do. I started with a lot of loneliness in my heart, paired with bitterness made me sour and angry with everything. But then I started meeting more people, I started making friends and sharing my experiences with others.

Sure here’s times I’ve felt like I could die, and times I’ve reached such depths of hell I thought I couldn’t survive anymore. But I’m being completely serious when I say so many people here have done so much for me. Whether it be laughing at my jokes or talking to me.

I’m grateful for everyone I’ve met here, here are some people I’m grateful for:

@im-on-crack-send-help I thought and still think you were very cool, you helped me gain more confidence and although we joke that I’m stealing all your moots, I’m grateful to you for letting me meet more people. You’re ridiculously nice to me, even though I’m a solid bastard most of the time.

@jeahreading damn, my first friend on this blog. When I talk to you I feel like I could talk forever, I don’t make friends very fast but after 1-2 days of knowing you, you made me feel comfortable and safe. It’s heartening to know that we might have squabbles but if either of us ever have a period where we need help, the other will drop everything.

@mireyaaaaaaaaa Talking to you might be overwhelming sometimes, but you never fail to make my day. I may have horrible mood swings sometimes, but hearing you being excited is horribly infectious, even if I’m gloomy that day, I can’t help but laugh when you go on a rant about smth that happened.

@your-dazzling-sun Wowie, we’ve been friends for a solid time now. Ever since the older days, but thanks for always being there for me (EVEN IF YOUR MESSAGES ARESOOOOOOOOOOO SOOOOOO LAGGY) I remember my first interaction w you being about how we’re from the same country-

@lovely-rants-alot my queen, my girlboss, my favourite lesbian, you’re always there (sometimes concerningly late into the night) and you’re just easy to talk to. I’m mad at Indonesia that we aren’t able to meet up irl. Thanks for being there for me:)

@schrodinger-ka-billa our dynamic has gone through some changes through the past 3 weeks but the time you took to tell me about mythology is appreciated. I loved hearing about all the different characters :)

@shinchansbitch lol I was properly scared of you when I first joined this hellsite. But after several talks, chats and clowning, I can properly say that I would take a bullet for you. I’m being so fr rn.

@unhinged-as-hell Literally formed a core part of who I am right you. Through the whole ykw situation, you kept me grounded and focused. You’re probably one of my biggest role models and I thank you for making me as strong as I am right now. I can’t promise that I won’t forget you 10 years later, but I’ll remember the things you’ve taught me. keep burning.

@tamanna-and-her-struggles WOAH- you might no that’s wrong- you ARE the sweetest friend I have on this site. You’re fucking amazing, I enjoy talking to you a lot and your patience is unreal. When I’m feeling shitty, you make me feel way better :) you aren’t, won’t, will never be annoying to me, no matter what anyone says.

@lotuseaterwhowistlesthedark thanks for spamming my posts. I know it’s something that some people will overlook but opening my blog to see you bombarding me with likes is so fucking appreciated. I would love to be better friends with you if you ever want :)

@daonedaonlyskh You are so so sweet and an amazing writer/storyteller. You never fail to ask me how I am, and that really makes me feel cared for. I would also take several bullets for you, keep going bi bi bisexual.

@depressed-bi-twerking I know we haven’t been friends long, but you’re hella funny to talk to. Even though you’re an Eminem chronic listener, I still wanna be better friends with you if you ever want to

@zeherili-ankhein HELLO????? Your blog is a HIVE for me to learn more about Hinduism. You’re also hella fucking funny and makes me laugh with no fail. Bestest war criminal in existence. I wanna be better friends with you ;))))

Happy Mootsgiving, everyone!

So, technically, I know Thanksgiving is an American holiday… history… yadda yadda. However, this is not Thanksgiving.

This is Mootsgiving, and what I say goes ‘cause this is my holiday. Anyway! Mootsgiving is all the basic ideas of Thankgiving but better because I’m great like that.

I just wanted to show everyone how grateful I am, since gratefulness is a key principle of Thanksgiving.

I want all my moots from different countries to be able to have the picture-perfect movie-esque Thanksgiving of being surrounded by friends and family with all the care and love and gratefulness that can be poured into a single human. And, as the ever-dramatic Runar, what better way to do that than to organize a huge event?

So! Rules!

State what food you brought

State one thing you’re thankful for

My name is Runar, I brought the eggnog, and I’m grateful for each and every one of you 💗🫶

Really sappy and really long paragraph/speech under the cut!!

Soooo… to start off my big long speech… *clinks my fancy wine glass that’s filled with a mysterious substance* (It’s eggnog)

When I first started this blog, it was off a whim. I wanted to do something, something that involved putting my work out there, as I was just starting out. I wanted to mean something. In any sort of way, I wanted to leave a sort of mark. Not just any mark, though, no. I wanted to add a bit of joy, a spark of life that comes from creativity, and adding words and love into the space we occupy on this floating rock in space.

I wanted to write because it made me happy, and I wanted there to be a possibility of someone who was who got joy from reading to maybe stumble upon it, and get joy from me. Get joy from something I was able to provide for them.

I was also incredibly lonely. I had no friends, I had nothing, pretty much. I didn’t talk much. I was reclusive. I was okay, but I was empty. I didn’t have a purpose. And while I wasn’t expecting much, nothing at all really, I was overjoyed at the prospect that maybe just one person would stumble upon something I wrote and for a moment of their day, maybe they got peace from it.

Maybe they felt a little less lonely. I would have been at peace with just knowing the possibility of it was out there. And then… it did. And I got more than I bargained for, even, I got a friend. My first friend.

From there, everything… clicked. Slowly, but ever so surely, things were falling into place. I was gaining something that had not even crossed my mind. A family.

So, my silly dream born from a whim became friends, connections, and family, it became life-altering. It had ups, it had downs, it had in-betweens. It was beautiful and messy and happy and sad and fucked up and so wonderfully… human?

Yeah, this is online, this is a silly mootsgiving idea I thought up three hours ago because I wanted people to know I love them.

But to someone who had nothing, this is everything. You are everything.

Even if we’ve only talked one time, you have a special place in my heart. The character growth has been… one hell of a ride. I’ve gone through many eras, and made new friends in each and every one of them. So, with the end of the year closing soon, I suppose in a way this is not just a silly mootsgiving.

My bigger end goal, really, was to make sure as we get to the end of this ear, you know how genuinely important this whole year has been to me. How important you have been. I got an anon ask,

What does it feel like to be wanted?

It was beautiful poetry. I replied, said I wouldn’t know what it feels like to be wanted. But really? I think maybe I do. I think it feels like having enough people that you love to organize and invite everyone to a huge event online, to write out this heartfelt paragraph and trust that at least one person will care enough to read it.

My beginning goal has changed so much, and not at all. My biggest purpose in life has been, and I think will always be, to add something into this world.

Creativity, joy, happiness, compassion, I want to ensure that no matter what, as long as you know me, you know you have one person on this earth who loves and cares about you with as much feeling that can physically be felt by one person without exploding into a bunch of tiny little runar pieces.

But moreso, I think maybe my goal has changed from wanting to put stories out there, to putting myself out there. I don’t want to write stories that are just fiction, just crafted ideas meshed together to create a blob of fiction.

I want to write pieces of myself into everything, which i think might genuinely be impossible to not do. I want my heart to pour out of my fingers into the things i type out for you, and i want to not only feel things, but to maybe make you feel something too. Something warm and fuzzy, something good, as good as you deserve.

Aaaaannnd…. to end this….

I love you guys, thanks for being here <3

@marauding-almond @percyweasleyapologist @yesiamprocrastinating @dieatthealtar-deactivated @caramel-covered-apples @thatoneslytherinnerd @thatoneslytherinnerd2

@hedgehog-troops@circe-butbetter @stars-on-my-bedroom-ceiling @l1ve-l4ugh-lov3craft @aidens-ocean-galaxy@rainystarsx@liggy-not-potter @goformoony@i-still-got-love-for-you @definitionoffuckup@mairon-goth-minion

@weewooooweew @residentdisaster @matty-os-blog @starkissed-mars @printershorts @the1970sdeadgaywizard-regulus @lesbian-disaster-tm @star-dust-shark @enbysiriusblack @sadnappo @kawaiibarty @hershey-not-the-chocolate-maybe

@jamespotterbbg @scrumblewonk @seekmemystar @rins-batcave @utterqueerdisasterthesimp @gasolinehornet @asters-tempo @here-am-i-sitting-in-a-tin-can @permetutotheworld @theprongspotter @sotiredimbored @yourlocalbadgerscales @raeprise @burgundykicks @whydousernamesevenexist @jaydove-writes @the-stars-drowning @inara-tries-to-survive @saturnsconstellation @royallygray

[alittlesimp]

Dazai with a younger coworker who has a similar ability - headcanons

request by @missrown: I got another idea!! A 14 year old reader who is a co-worker to ADA!Dazai (Platonic ofc, a Siblings dynamic pls)

The reader is a member of Agency and has an ability similar to Dazai, While Dazai needs to touch someone to nullify other's, the reader needs to only look at the user whose ability is active! (It works one at a time only tho, I need to give some limitations) the reader also admires (idolizes) him greatly! + ADA's reaction too!

a/n: okay im gonna try again, see if it shows up in the tags now 😭

warnings: none

· When you first joined the Agency you were put under Dazai’s care so you could gain some strategic insight on how to use your ability

· Why do they keep making the mistake of entrusting this man with young people to mentor (/j)

· Kunikida thought this was a horrible idea

· He feared you would adopt his … mannerisms and ‘work ethic’

· Dazai himself was a bit conflicted

· On one hand, he didn’t really want more responsibility, and he didn’t really see himself as a great mentor because of his past experiences

· But on the other hand, he could trick you into doing his work for him

· And oh boy, he did. A lot.

· Somehow he got you to do all the hard and annoying tasks

· He says it’s to ‘gain experience’ and while there may be some truth to that, everyone else still thought it was a bit suspicious

· He also makes you do chores for him sometimes (‘Ah, please clean the cafeteria/go get me some food/throw these empty bottles out… training purposes’)

· He’ll also give you the most random and slightly questionable lifehacks, completely unprompted

· “If you ever need flowers, just go to a cemetery.” … WHAT

· Teaches you exactly how to get on everyone’s nerves

· Despite all … this, he definitely made sure you were trained well

· He thought it was super funny you had a similar ability, but apart from a few jokes and special training he wouldn’t really pay it much mind

· Once he notices you’ve started admiring him he’d definitely freak out

· He doesn’t see himself as a good role model and he’s a bit afraid of that kind of attachment to someone

· Tries to make it very clear he’s not a perfect person

· He’ll act lazy, complain, annoy Kunikida, arrive at work hours late, actually just all his normal behavior, he just makes sure you are there to see it

· He doesn’t understand (or maybe doesn't want to) that you look up to him despite his flaws

· You’re not blind or stupid and you know he’s a bit of work sometimes, but like Atsushi and others, you can see that he also genuinely cares about others and puts in the work when necessary

· “I want to be like you when I grow up!” “Lol no you don’t”

· Just make a little unofficial Dazai fanclub with Atsushi and Kyouka

· ANYWAY

· You two really are an iconic duo

please comment/reblog if you enjoyed! i’d love to hear what y'all think <3

[forgedraptor]

btw this is coming from a person currently in the hospital for covid, even though i followed the proper rules and regulations and stayed at home.

this whole situation sucks and seeing ccs be so irresponsible is frustrating and saddening especially if it concerns the virus and how they handled them poorly

but sadly, as frustrating as it is, we cant control their lives. they decide what they do and what they want, and as saddening as it is, we can simply do our best to educate and tell them in a respectful manner that what theyre doing is wrong.

but we cannot force them to do things they dont want to do, its their life even if they should follow rules and regulations or atleast be a more cautious we cannot tell them what to do.

they themselves should know how horrible covid is and dangerous it is, but sadly, if they themselves dont follow or try to avoid it, then we cant do anything. try as we might to say whats right but people will always do what they want to do regardless. thats just what life is, you cant control others just as they cant control you.

it sucks and its terrible and horrible, especially when you and your love ones get hurt from the virus but others dont care and still do their own thing. but we cannot control them and they will not be controlled. lets just hope they learn and be better role models, especially to the younger ones that watch them. because the covid virus and this pandemic is not a joke. so many people are suffering and in pain because of it.

lets just hope that they learn and be educated, be better.

but in all honesty? they are also human and they make mistakes, and they do dumb shit. im disappointed and frustrated at the ccs involved in the party, especially the confirmed ones. but i also understand that i am not, cannot and should not control their lives. they themselves have to learn to be better and do better. if not for themselves then for those who look up to them and those loved ones who could get affected by the virus.

thats it for now, or atleast my thoughts on the matter. i just hope they do better and be better but well, theyre human and humans are dumb so im putting my expectations on the down low. i still like them and care for them, but i know that theyll make dumb mistakes too.

[peachysnzs]

genshin snz headcanons

i caved here are literally All my genshin snz headcanons cause im thinkin so hard rn

albedo

def sneezes in fits but tries to stifle whenever possible

uses his elbow most of the time, but sometimes when hes especially deep in a fit he ends up just sneezing desperately in the air

quiet and breathy

tries to make his sneezes as discrete as possible but the further in fits he gets, the more desperate his sneezes sound

every time he has a buildup to a sneeze, he kinda just shudders leadin up to it yknow

he always tries to be cautious and not get anyone sick when he is sick bless him

ok this fucker inhabits an ice mountain theres no way he doesnt get at least a *couple* colds

mona

sneezes in likes twos, threes

this is so unoriginal bcs hydro vision but like her sneezes are def at least a bit wet-sounding

uses tissues when avaliable, but if not she just kinda turns to the side

loud and high-pitched

she sneezes relatively suddenly and it takes her by surprise sometimes

tbh mona feels like somebody who’d have allergies and being all sniffly and miserable looking and still try to deny that shes allergic to anything and that youre stupid for thinking so. very tsundere.

speaking of sniffly her nose probably just constantly runs like a tap when shes sick

she wouldnt even try to keep her germs to herself and would be disgusted at sick ppl even if she was the one to get you sick

hu tao

literally almost never sneezes* but when she does its singles

uses her elbow and covers her mouth, ty hu tao for being a good snz role model

kinda low and naturally soft

long ass fucking buildups! her nose just kinda itches for a whole two minutes and her breath wavers before she sneezes quickly

so for the asterisk * i kinda lied, she sneezes up a storm only when sick, she has kinda a subpar immune systme so whenever shes sick she just is stuck with sneezng consistently through the whole day til shes dizzy

jean

also sneezes in singles, occasional doubles

alternates between using hankerchiefs if avaliable or just her elbow

i feel like jean is the type of person to like excuse herself right before succumbing to a fit

small sneezes, decently graceful

i feel like shed had a dust allergy honestly

jean literally will not take sick days even when she has awful colds, and while she tries not to get ppl sick she does a kinda awful job at it

amber

two to four usually

elbow once again, but sometimes when shes gliding she cant really use her arms so she just sneezes in the air

squeaky def, high pitched

she def has hayfever and one day opens her glider and its just covered in pollen

no build ups to her sneeze, just a sharp inhale and then the snz

eula

we already saw her snz so

either single sneezes or long ass fits, no inbetween

sneezes into her gloves, but when her sneezes start to get messy she switches to a hankerchief

breathy and feminine

cyro characters get colds cause i say so

no fr tho eula just miserable w a cold and just constantly having to duck foward and sneeze into her gloves

half of her cold is her denying shes sick even when she looks absolutely horrible and the other half is complaining about how miserable she feels and demanding people to do things for her

childe

doubles usually

he sneezes into the air or in his hands this fucker would never sneeze in his elbow

messy and desperate

long! ass! fucking! buildups! he tries to hide the hitching with his builds ups but hes not at all good at it

his sneezes get so much messier the sicker he is, until hes practically just dripping

dont be decieved by the way he hides being sick, he desperately craves being coddled whenever hes sick because of his home life

suprisingly good at caretaking

diluc

triples and quadruples i feel like

elbow primarily, but sometimes uses tissues

loud and rough

he tries so hard to hide his allergies but it never works because his sneezes are always so loud

fuck it give him all the allergies

his voice gets stuffy so quickly when even in like a five foot vicinity of flowers, and his nose itches so much to the point where it feels like hes just constantly building up to another sneeze

has probably sneezed on someones drink at least once while he had a cold

kaeya

almost only fits and he fucking hates it

he usually pinches his nose to stifle but if he cant manage he either quickly goes for the elbow or just ducks his head down and sneezes towards the floor

shaky and itchy-sounding if that makes sense

yknow that little gasp people do sometimes before sneezing i feel like hed do that

never takes sick days unless forced to by jean or diluc, and ends up shambling through his daily tasks shaky and feverish and sneezy

he tries to stifle but it really does not work

rosaria

singles, and if u catch her sneezing she’ll probably make you swear to silence

literally just in the elbow

honestly i feel like shed sneeze like a kitten, or just really high and femme

she sees being sick/allergic as a sign of weakness so fights sneezing very hard. like u can see the visible effort she makes pinching her nose and shit after her breath hitches even once

also one of those dumbasses that stifle way too much and doesnt take sickdays

ningguang

doubles unless shes allergic, then its fits

she has a fancy ass lace hankerchief she carries w her speficially for snzs to look ‘proper’

she forces her sneezes to be elegant, sneezing naturally is loud tho

small buildups but v audible breaths building up to a sneeze

she has a good immune system but when she does get sick she gets it bad and tries to cover up her flushed face and red nose with makeup

without people around her she just lets herself be miserable while sneezes, lettting out small little “..guh...” after a particularly bad fit

beidou

doubles or triples

beidou would also like never use her elbow, shed sneeze in her fist even if the sneeze is messy as hell

loud and proud of it

look all im saying is beidou is a walking health hazard whenever sick, she doesnt try at all to keep colds to herself and can and wil sneeze into her hand only to shake yours seconds later 

no buildups, just sudden sneezes that scare the shit out of people tho

very very fucking messy

half the time does not care if shes sick, she doesnt really feel like she needs to take sick days because she doesnt feel that bad and stuff like that

lisa

singles and occasional doubles

she keeps tissues on her and uses them relatively often

delicate and proper

the idea of lisa having a dust allergy is just everything to me, like she blows off dust from a book and ends up stuck for a few minutes with her nostrils flaring until she finally sneezes desperately into a tissue

rarely gets sick, but when she does milks the hell out of it to be as lazy as possible. like “oh im feeling so awful rn, maybe a kiss will make me feel better?~”

venti

fits fits fits

hands or elbows, really depends on how hard the sneeze hits him

decently loud and a bit high pitched

look venti is an anemo god all im saying is when he sneezes the wind picks up, and when he has fits its enough to push you over

to remedy this he just avoids everyone when sick and avoids cats with a a passion

buildups are very breathy and desperate

his nose runs so much near cats and he makes a godddamn mess of himself the longer hes around them

cats absolutely love him regardless

xiao

he gets fits only bcs i say so

literally either just the air or his hands because nobody ever taught him that he should like cover his mouth properly when sneezing

quiet but messy

the idea of xiao w just torturuous buildups does something for me. he’ll be stuck there w his breath hitching and hazy eyes for like a whole minute before he finally just ducks into his hand and makes a mess of himself

he does not understand being sick and absolutely hates it when he does get sick, 100% tries to power through it and ends up a fucking mess by the end of the day

his sneezes get stuck so often

his nose gets so fucking flushed and twitchy after a while of sneezing

ganyu

doubles or triples

sneezes in her elbow most of the time

soft and low

when she gets sick she gets so sleepy, her sneezes just kinda draw all the energy outta her and she usually ends up taking a nap

shes allergic to dogs too bcs why not

she doesnt want to bother people when sick or get them sick too so she usually takes copious sickdays until shes absolutely certain that she cant get anyone sick

zhongli

triples literally always for some reason

either into his fist or into a hankerchief

low and masculine, a bit loud

doing the same god shtick with him, the floor tends to shake whenever he gets particularly sneezy and stuff on cupboards can and will fall over when in the vicinity

no buildups really, hell just be in the middle of talking and then he blinks a bit and then sneezes roughly

he doesnt really take sick days but he doesnt really deny hes sick either, just kinda tries to get through the day despite feeling awful

[witch-apologist]

It's very funny to me seeing people desperately try to erase any flaws adora has (unless its against their faves) like when I say "You can't expect someone to be raised in an abusive child soldier environment with exactly zero good role models and come out of it with zero toxic traits" that applies to Adora too. You guys just can't understand that having toxic traits and hurting people emotionally or physically =/= is never nice, never wants to help people, is intentionally malicious.

Adora had done toxic and even bad things just like literally everyone else in SPOP. Being nice or putting others first doesn't change that. This also doesn't mean she's a horrible awful villain in need of punishment it means she like most other characters, is heavily traumatized and has things to unlearn.

I've never been someone who has wanted to hurt someone for hurting sake, I've never wanted to /be/ mean or insensitive and I have for most of my life strived to be kind fair and just and guess what? I still have had and do have toxic traits. I'm not a bad person or a monster im just some guy who went through some shit that altered/shaped how I view the world. Now I analyze the impact of my actions and try to correct course as quickly as possible. I dont need people saying I've never had any problems or been a bad friend. I have been exactly the kind of bad friend that adora can be at times. I own it because that's the right thing to do and because its just as much a part of me as my desire to be better than that.

Telling people that all toxic behavior can be excused if youre nice about it or smiling when you do it is just incorrect. You can be just as harmful trying to be nice as when trying to be mean.

Anyways please read the problematic adora masterpost. I promise its not what the name sounds like. Its not a rally call to "cancel" adora its just a very compassionate analysis of how her trauma manifested in unhealthy behaviour. Its time we start acknowledging that "nice" can be harmful too. Its time to remember that impact > intent and that good people can cause hurt.

[freebooter4ever]

Ref anon: I hope you can get help for that pain. Maybe a nerve is pinched? I'm really not sure about my future. I have a lot of hobbies but just work a shit customer service job. Getting motivation to do drawing at all is difficult let alone animate. Which is a great mental state to be in when my only plan for my whole life since childhood was animation. 🤷‍♀️

its tendonitis and im pretty sure the only way to get rid of it is to take a break from working which is obviously not possible so just gonna ignore it till i die i guess \o/

so yeah you struck a cord with me, this got long...

i cant help with motivation, i have too much of it. i lived with my grandparents for a year while grandpa was sick, and it was the first time they'd ever really seen me /work/ and even they were shocked. it really is constant - if i have twenty minutes and im not using it to draw its wasted time, you know? my first roommate here in LA was concerned too - she kept trying to get me to stop working and go out and back then my excuse was i didnt have a job and no money for going out, but really im just like that all the time. i try to balance it with seeing friends and social media and everyday shit like eating food, but its hard, my favorite people are the ones who will just sit and work with me lol! (or going out and working in places im not alone and quiet). i guess what im saying is...if its really your passion, is it not there all the time? i only ask because it took me a long time to realize that although i loved to analyze animation and watch it - the way i process art doesnt quite have what it takes to do that. we all love the end product, but just because the animation part is the most front facing part...doesn't mean that's necessarily where your actual passion might lie...if that makes sense? there's SO MUCH to do in the animation industry, its crazy. for me, i finally realized that all my obsessive energy revolved around character and especially faces, and i just started focusing on that. i would much rather be concepting a wide variety of characters than spending a whole year animating about one minute of a two hour movie.

that said there's also the sad reality that some people have had doors open more easily than others. i feel you about being stuck in a retail job you feel wasted in :( im sorry you are in that position. i hope you are able to make a change, but i understand just how fucking /trapped/ that can be. watching life slip by into nothingness while the tiny snatches of meaning only happen during off hours and scraped together seconds of free time. one of the biggest ironies though is that this is how a lot of original animators felt about dsn*y. i mentioned that on my road trip i stayed with the son of an animator who worked on snow wh*te - he wasnt one of the 9 old men but he was their contemporary and friend, and the animator took the job just to make money off his art. animation just wasnt his full passion and he eventually quit, moved up north, and started experimenting with helicopters and boe*ng lol. 

and in reverse of that, as i grew up with a father and a grandfather who worked for boe*ng and the US space program, ALL my open doors were flight and space related - my cousin currently works for N A S A and my other cousin for boe*ng - they took the doors but i didnt want anything to do with it. it took years for my grandpa to finally come to terms with the fact that my passion for art was as strong as his passion for airplanes. he grew up a farm boy daydreaming about flying, and had to take a circuitous route to finally get there - army, college, mechanical engineering, finally rockets. he gave my dad and me all the chances grandpa would have wanted as a kid - my dad took them - i didnt want any of it. i would much rather have had those chances that the animator got.

and then of course there are the institutionalized gates - barriers against entry for women, minorities, LGBQT, people without money...its a LOT to fight against. which is of course why we celebrate the exceptional people who DO break through those barriers and succeed despite it all. but it can be demoralizing to be on the other side of those barriers. demoralizing is too soft a word. i dont think there is a word for how much it can hurt.

some wisdom that might help: randy pa*usch's last lecture - he is a white male who definitely does not understand the race/sex 'walls', but he makes good points, and also he came at the animation industry sideways for very similar reasons - through education and research rather than the traditional job promotion route. and then someone closer to my own age/time: justin scar*ed - i dont mean his road trip videos, i mean the old vlogs from 3-6 years ago when he was 31 divorced and depressed and realizing he had to release himself from his own pressure of his music career. his quest for positivity is an interesting concept, and i sympathized with that feeling of your life taking a direction you didnt chase after but somehow ends up being the thing you were actually looking for the entire time. if you want a success story there’s always my favorite: steve aok*. he went against everything that was set up for him in life and still made it work ^_^ (of course of these three, guess who also grew up the rich kid lol). or norman re*dus who quite literally accidentally became a model and successful actor. im paraphrasing this horribly, but my impression was that as a teenager he was selling shitty cat paintings on the streets of paris - which sounds romantic but miserable at the same time - and then followed a girl to california, got a crappy job in a motorcycle shop, went to a party and yelled at some people from a balcony, landed his first stage role...and eventually created the character of daryl and finally got the chance to have his genius really shine. (sometimes i wonder though, if it was frustrating to end up being famous for acting rather than art which was arguably his true passion?)

i hope any of this helps, i am pretty exhausted lately so apologies if my sentences are incomprehensible in some parts. and you know, my DMs on here are open if you want to talk more specifically off anon <3