#but also i know saying no will hurt my mom which i dont want i jsut
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broke-on-books · 1 month ago
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Keep getting pissed off & frustrated and now my stomach hurts
#im at the library btw (important detail)#just like looking for internships for some reason makes me really anxious and makes my stomach hurt and i get scared to click on any webpage#and looking at postgrad requirements stuff also freaks me out and hurts and i need to put together some questions to ask my neighbor but im#afriad to ask smth stupid etc etc and just owie#i emailed my one prof to see if we have any homework or whatever and that was one thing i did#checked my assignments but havent started any yet though now i know what and when#then i turned to online shopping and adding to my wishlist like im supposed to but thats whats really make the stomachache happen bc i cant#figure out which product i want between 2 companies and also we live in an advertising hellworld that wants to manipulate me and i hate it#even the thought of me buying a comic on the way home doesnt help atm#bc then ill be going home after being out for 2 hours w my only achievement being writing down like 3 questions for my neighbor (NOT all i#want to say) emailing my prof and working myself into an anxiety spiral about christmas gifts#okay im getting emotional now and am on the verge of tears i should go home bc obviously this isnt working#and my mom is at home and she always makes me feel better#i fucking hate our hellscape and i hate how evil and manipulative amazon.com is. just be a normal service that sells normal fucking goods#jesus fucking christ. its like the whole world will end if i dont get advertised to every single second of every fucking day
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calamitydaze · 9 months ago
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long tag ramble below u have been warned
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#ok i feel like i should say Something before i start being active again#but i dont want it to be a Statement which is why i’m putting it in the tags#(also bc i procrastinated doing this for weeks so i know this is a very stale topic by now#but i also haven’t been on tumblr literally at all so this is 100% my organic authentic opinion lmao)#so read if you gaf and ignore if you don’t#anyway: george def could’ve done more to ensure she was comfortable#and as someone who has also gotten in over my head with older men and regretted it#her hurt is valid and i’m deeply sorry she feels the way she does about that night#but with that said i see no reason to believe george Should have known how she really felt#or that he deliberately took advantage of either her youth/inexperience or her discomfort#and that’s the most important thing for me— he fucked up and misread a situation but that doesn’t make him an evil person#and i hope they can both move on and grow and heal#as for my future in the fandom: i honestly dunno how active i’ll be going forward#i was already becoming pretty disconnected so this might’ve just sped up the process? i’m tired of being put through the wringer#but i also don’t really have a fandom to replace this so i might just continue casually participating in the way i have been#either way rest assured i will never become a rabid anti. that shits embarrassing#i got HORRIBLE drolo rsd the other day when tommy’s mom needed clout and vagued him so like if nothing else. droloisms are forever#also as a last thing— this feels kinda silly and self centered to say but i will anyway#sorry for not opening up my blog as a forum for discussion again the way i did with the drituation#i know i helped a lot of people sort out their feelings and that was (and is) really really important to me#but it also tanked my mental health (mostly as a result of the fallout and not the act itself but still)#plus my life irl was pretty stressful at the time when everything was first going down#so i just didn’t feel up to putting myself through that again#but i’m sorry if anyone wanted to discuss w me but wasn’t able to#anyway. i think that’s all i have to say!#i don’t want to turn this into a capital D discussion but as always my askbox and dms are open#love you all tons! i hope you’re having a good day 🫂🫶#bella talks
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ourladyoftheflytrap · 5 months ago
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1 month ago today my exes mom died is it too soon to tell him I unfriended him and ignored his message because I kind of think he raped me
#i never planned on telling him cuz honestly even tho i dont want him in my life anymore i dont know if what happened was actually rape#theres been a lot of debate over whether or not my specific situation was rape or what the feminists like to call “maintenance sex”#so it feels rather cheap of me to call it rape when our collective idea of rape is so much more sinister than what happened to me#but anyways i didnt want to talk to him about any of this because i dont know what to say about it and i think hes too sexist to listen#but i Did get a very funny and wholesome snap memory of him and one of my besties so i sent it to him#and thats how i found out he reached out to me exactly a month ago to tell me his mom died and to ask for support#which of course i cannot provide cuz i feel too conflicted about him to put aside my ego + i feel that he doesnt deserve that from Me anywa#see also my resistance to cutting him out of my life to the point that i didnt block him or delete all of his pictures#i didnt even get rid of all of his things i kept the sweater his mom gave him cuz i Knew she was going to die too soon#and i knew he would miss wearing this sweater which is the one from his favorite picture of him and his mom together#so not only is the context of this situation very ambiguous but also i dont really feel the way i think a rape victim is Supposed to feel#i mean i have my moments when i really think about it where im hurt and im angry and i cant help my reaction to it even years later#but otherwise im fine and even when it comes to him i was mostly chill and stayed with him for a year after it happened#so i dont feel i have any right to call it rape and yet it was definitely not consensual sex#and theres just no other word to describe ambiguously nonconsensual sex
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our-lady-of-mcr · 8 months ago
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everytime i think im done ranting i remember something else LMFAO this one is extra long i hit tag limit god mf damn
#self#for instance.....my mom wants me to cut off everyone who is still tied to the school#and im so mad at myself for feeling a certain type of way when the campus manager called me not too long ago basically to tell me she doesnt#trust the girl who did this shit and she wasnt mad at me but was also mad at me for bringing her to her dads house#for reference we were trying to get a cat from the campus managers dads house LMFAO#and i honestly cannot wait to speak to her again and be like 😔 god dammit you were right like you were every single time#i just dont understand the wiring in her head to think the shit she says and does to people is normal and okay and how she doesnt realize it#is literally a mental health break. when i finally told my mom the first thing she said was shes probably off her medication#which.....probably isnt wrong sadly coming from someone who has borderline and very easily can lose it#but the difference is i dont give in to the urges to try to hurt everyone around me in every way i can#and me and her have said before that we thought she might also have borderline because we were very similar#but god damn does she love proving that if she has it its extremely severe or its something else entirely#on an honest note. shes incredibly narcissistic and i know her mom is part of the reason shes that way bc she was given princess treatment#her entire fucking life and then doesnt understand when other people dont treat her the same way#i hate rambling about this and i hate it that it is bothering me so fucking bad but like ???#if youre going to decide that you can put our past aside period and move on then fucking do that and stop bringing the past up as a way to#hurt me and the people around you???? she acts like shes not done horrible fucking things to people. so sorry i wrote a letter that was very#honest at the time. so sorry that when you found out i apologized for it and said i regret it because 2 weeks after my apology i no longer#regret writing it. if its making school a living hell for you....theres probably a reason for that girlfriend#i am not the person who put that shit in your folder#though i seriously fucking doubt its actually in her folder shes probably assuming it is#and youre the one who made a complete ass of yourself to every educator that ever stepped foot in that building#that has nothing to do with me that you are a literal warning given to every new educator!!!! i havent even been in school there in months#yet IM the problem??? how am i the problem when i graduated in fucking january???? everything since then falls on you#AND YET AGAIN! MIGHT I MENTION! IT IS NOT JUST MY LETTER!!! THERES AT LEAST 2 OTHER ONES!!!!!#BECAUSE IM NOT THE ONLY PERSON SHE DOES THIS SHIT TO!!!!#god sometimes i sit back and realize that theres a reason she regresses as a person and i do not#im not going to sit still anymore and let someone walk all over me and she can thank herself for that#shes who taught me that blocking and running as fast as i can doesnt fix anything#so here we are bitch. youre not blocked and im sure youre sitting at home thinking about how youre right about everything
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jonny-b-meowborn · 2 years ago
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Guess who fucked her wrists up during work because he refused to go on a single break because he felt like that's the only way to prove she's not useless since her autism stops her from doing anything a person his age "should" do
#its me. if you couldn't guess#i did that#i didnt do any actual damage to my wrists but they are in pain and i can already feel that its gonna get worse#and ill probably have an awful time trying to sleep because of it#and look.#i know that im not useless#i know that prople who have similar or bigger struggles aremt useless either#i dont believe that anyone's worth depends on having a job or being productive or whatever#i do know that#but sometimes even when you know something you dont feel it#yknow what i mean#and this blueberry plantation is the only job i can have right now#im not built for a dayjob but im able to work for a few hours with saplings every now and then#though that is. very physically tiring#which is also extra frustrating to me as a young person#because the other older ladies at the job always make me feel like im not allowed to be tired or in pain because im young#so i never say that im tired until im alone w my mom#and i want to prove that im not a useless parasite. i can do some work. so i might as well give my all#and dont take any breaks#im not trying to excuse hurting myself#but you know. its hard to think straight and respect myself sometimes#sometimes its easier to hurt myself in ways that make other people think good of me#im treating myself to some snacks now tho#gonna go buy myself some chips and smoke s cigarette and watch silly videos and play games and go to bed#and yes i know that being kind to myself after i was cruel to myself doesnt fix that#i shouldn't have the mindset of#yeah im being unnecessarily cruel to myself but at least im gonna reward myself later :)#but y'know what can you do#(go to therapy i should go to therapy)#bee buzz
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berryblu-soda · 2 years ago
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been hesitating to post this bc i usually try to be super chill and upbeat, but im also trying to be more genuine, so here it is i guess (im doing okay, dont worry)
this probably warrants a trigger warning even tho nothing ever really happened :/
i´d like to thank from the bottom of my heart the friends ive made on this silly little site, i may be a almost a stranger to some of you, im not the greatest at keeping contact with anyone, but if i call you a friend its because you have very special a place in my heart <3<3<3
when i first made tumblr i was really struggling, it felt almost impossible to see anything lovable in myself, if it were up to my whims back then, i wouldve made myself poof out of existence, leave no trace behind. "Goodbye to that worthless piece of trash, everythings so much better without her"
it wasn´t that there was anything wrong at home, my family´s always been nothing but loving and caring to me, but i just struggled to understand *why* that was, i wasn´t contributing financially, functionally, nor did i excell at absolutely anything (looking back, i didn´t have to, i was literally 14) , everything id ever been remotely good at i knew someone who was better than me by a long shot. i didn´t have any irl friends, i had my cousins, but being family it felt a little like they were conditioned and obligated to love me because we were family
i felt alone despite being surrounded by people who loved me, i´d grown too used to it to recognize it as genuine love, so meeting you guys really helped me know that hey! maybe people arent just nice to me because they feel obligated to be! you guys inadvertedly gave me the support i needed to continue living life! And for that im endlessly grateful for <3
i can recall several times, when i was beating myself up over the simplest of mistakes, i genuinely didn´t want to exist if i wasn´t perfect, but when my spiraling got too bad and i´d even start to think of how i´d explain to yall that i´d finally given up on living, i´d start bawling my eyes out, beause I couldn't do that to yall, I still had messages to reply to, friends to wish happy birthday to... i would be devastated if any of you guys left and i couldn´t do anything to help you
so i made myself stick around, to hold on to whatever i could even if it consisted of numbing myself to the point of it being unhealthy. and ive lost years trying to get a grip and snap back to reality, but i made it! im happy these days, and i know no matter what happens im glad im still alive. And hey, maybe i´ll start digging myself into a pit again eventually, this post has been sitting in my drafts a couple weeks and in that time ive had some less than ideal days where i felt myself slipping into that old, sad, lonely, self deprecating mentality, but the difference between back then and now is that now i know i made it out of there once, and i know what´s real because ive already recognized it before, my family isnt lying to me when they say they love me, my fiends arent lying to me when they say they care about me, the only one whos lying to me is myself, saying im not worth any of that. 
so i´ll say it again, thank you friends, for existing and being there, for being my lifeline and not letting me go off the deep end, and acting as band aids for my emotional self-inflicted wounds, i´m not sure how i can ever pay you back, i´m here if you ever need me, i love you, please take care <3
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angeltrapz · 2 years ago
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hm :)
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shouts-into-the-void · 3 months ago
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Just read screenshots of the Aaron extra chapter and I have so many thoughts, so here they are:
It's always so funny to me to be reminded of the fact that the animosity between Aaron and Neil is mostly one-sided. Like, Neil finds Aaron frustrating, but all the antagonistic stuff he does to him is ultimately in service of helping him in some way and while he's angry when Aaron provokes him, he otherwise regards him with disinterest and even expresses the desire to see what he's like when he's relaxed and enjoying himself during the party with the Vixens. Meanwhile Aaron just really hates that man.
I really appreciated Nora using this chapter to clear up some of the gripes a lot of the fandom has had with Aaron's character in the past and confirm that Aaron's comments to Nicky have to do with his cousin making graphic and unwanted sexual advances on their teammates, and his accusations towards Neil were from a place of concern for his brother. I also liked that it was pointed out that of course he would have at least some internalized homophobia due to being raised by religious zealots in a conservative area, but is unlearning it due to Nicky.
On a similar note, I'm glad that we were provided the context that Nicky's inappropriate behavior is a defense mechanism to weed out people who might hurt him rather than legitimate advances, because I think the fandom tends to forget that he is also a character with extreme trauma written outside of the "perfect victim" stereotype. His actions aren't okay, but the entire point is that they are the result of what he's had to endure just like every other member of the team
The implication that Andrew specifically signed with the Foxes so Aaron could go to college
Aaron and Andrew have the same nervous habit of picking at loose thread
It causes me physical pain to see Andrew clearly trying to open up to Aaron about his self-harm, but because his way of communicating is less straightforward (he doesn't lie, but he because he stuggles to confront and be open with his emotions, he presents the truth in flowery, vague language) and because the two dont really know or understand each other, Aaron can't fully grasp the implications of what he's saying
On the subject of things that cause me physical pain: baby Aaron telling his mom that he wanted to be a neurosurgeon like the people on TV and her laughing and saying he'd never make anything of himself. Fuck Tilda Minyard, all my homies hate Tilda.
Andrew is so uncomfortable, someone Get Him Out of There.
Going off that and his nervous habits (that Aaron mentions he did often enough to be noticable as a habit premedication), I am highkey wondering if the reason Sober Andrew doesn't talk to anyone outside Neil is because he's just. Socially Awkward.
We get a little bit of insight into Andrew's "misogyny" (I personally think distrusting certain people as a result of extreme personal trauma is a little bit different than just being sexist, in the same way women distrusting men because they're used to being harassed and belittled isn't misandry, but that's up to your personal opinion) and that his distain for Katelyn comes from the fact that he thinks she's stringing Aaron along and will turn out to be awful like his previous girlfriends (there's also a notable implication that Aaron has the same self-destructive tendencies as Andrew, and may be why he went out of his way to get him into college and on the straight-and-narrow) also see that this extends to Bee as well despite their close relationship, with him being so afraid that she'd reject him for being gay that he can't even look at her while talking about Neil, probably made worse by the fact that she's a maternal figure for him, which is where this trauma response originates.
Aaron is the only person on the team who's aware that Andrew hasn't slept with Neil, and the only one to grasp the significance of the fact that they've gotten close to that point already despite Andrew's trauma, outside of Renee
It was overall really interesting to see inside Aaron's head (I actually wouldn't mind a book from his perspective, he has a similar way of thinking to Neil but much more grounded) and to see Andrew through the lense of someone who just views him as Just A Guy
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altruistic-meme · 12 days ago
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i love avoiding answering questions by writing
time to get crackalacking 🫡
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widowmaxff · 9 months ago
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Hello!! I was having some bad days recently, could u make a one-shot of moms!wandanat and reader with the reader having a bad week, and then Wanda and Natasha comforts reader? If you want to, of course!
enough for you
pairings: parents!wandanat × daughter!reader
warnings: bad thoughts, self-deprecating reader, lots of crying, one agent who really needs to stfu - i think thats all!
a/n: tysm for the request my love! im so sorry for the delay in posting this one shot, my life has been very busy these last few months. and i dont think this one turns out the way u wanted it, because i already made one like your request but w mom!wanda but i hope u like it :3
HOW YOU CAN HELP PALESTINE!
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You always saw yourself working for SHIELD. Being able to do missions and 'save the world' was something you always wanted to do. Having mothers who are considered super heroes was also something that made you inspired by this life, but you only saw it from the outside. How they were greeted by everyone or how it seemed so easy for them to do these hero things. But when you finally got what you wanted when you turned eighteen, it wasn't what you expected.
It was the third time in the last few days that you had messed up in a mission in which you were classified. The looks the other agents gave you at the Academy made you feel horrible. You obviously hadn't messed up the missions on purpose, you would never do that. But it seemed like all those people expected that every step you took would be right, that you would never make mistakes, and that you would be as good as your mothers. Your head hurt just thinking about it. And that thought led you to others, how ashamed you felt remembering how the other agents spoke mean words to you when, again, you messed up on the mission.
You tried to distract yourself from these types of self-sabotaging thoughts about yourself by training even harder. Punching and kicking the red cylinders using all your strength, and even after hours it still felt like you didn't feel good enough, strong enough. All you wanted was to just stop thinking for at least a few seconds, and when you heard those heavy footsteps you knew that wasn't what was going to happen. "Oh, look who's here!"
You didn't care about remembering that agent's name, but you remembered exactly her voice and face, because it was her who started the whispers about how you weren't like your mothers. How you spoiled the missions of the last few days of that week, how you will never be like them. "The daughter of the great Black Widow and the Scarlet Witch, even if it doesn't seem like it." You continue ignoring her presence there, massaging your fingers to continue punching the red bag. "Do they know how you failed this last week?"
She wasn't stupid to know how horrible your week had been, how the failed missions, the disturbances and all those other things were making you almost have panic attacks right there in front of everyone. "No." Your voice was low, because you knew that if you exerted the necessary strength to reach a greater height, the tears would fall without your permission.
"What do you think they will do when they find out how bad you are?" She starts to approach you with those boots with a high step, her head lolling to the side with a tone to tease you. A smirk on her sharp face, her gloved hands resting on her waist. All those little details made you want to scream in her face, tell her that you weren't bad, but how would you say that if you didn't even believe it yourself?
"Maybe they'll get you out of here when they see how bad you are and realize that any of the agents here are much better than you, your place as an Avenger is almost invisible.” The girl laughs, her cheeks almost covering her eyes due to the action. At some other time you would find her features extremely beautiful, but at that moment, you wanted to vomit just looking at her.
Even if you tried to be strong at that moment, like your mother Natasha, you couldn't. Your fists were clenched tightly trying to control the tears from coming out, the pain of your nails in the palms of your hands trying to distract you from that moment. And every time that Agent mentioned your mother's name, your thoughts directed you only to them, how you wanted to be in their arms right now while you feel your hair being stroked by Wanda's magical hands. You knew that if you wanted comfort from your mothers they wouldn't wait a second to give it to you, and even if you didn't want to talk about why you were feeling that way, they wouldn't force you to talk.
"Where are you going? Ruin another mission?” If it weren't for the high-pitched, irritating tone of her voice, you wouldn't have even registered those questions in your head. Your thoughts were in a totally different space from that place, just wanting your mothers affection. So when you started packing your things and totally ignoring that Agent, you knew that your body wouldn't stop until you got home.
The girl's laugh echoed throughout the room as you headed towards the exit door of the place. In films, this scene would be dramatic, as if the main character was planning some revenge in their head to end the character who keeps provoking them. But at that moment you weren't thinking about revenge, or how you would turn things around, you just thought about how your mothers affectionate touches would turn that bad week into just distant memories. How you were sure that your mother Wanda would know what to say to you and how Natasha would know what to do so that your surroundings were just comfort.
You didn't wait a second before getting on your motorcycle, which Natasha had given you as a gift for your 18th birthday, and heading towards your childhood home. Even though those bad thoughts were in your head now and could possibly distract you in the traffic on the streets, you continued on your way with your eyes soaked with tears and the horrible tightness in your chest. You tried to think of good things, like your mom Wanda would probably be baking chocolate chip cookies and your mom Natasha would just be watching, since cooking isn't one of her great talents, but that domestic situation was pretty far away for you. It seemed that any self-deprecating thought stood in the way, a great layer of ignorance about happiness.
You didn't bother to park the motorcycle correctly, just running towards the entrance porch and knocking, almost softly, on the door. You heard some sweet giggles through it, confirming that your mothers were in some domestic situation, before the door calmly opened and revealed Wanda's long red hair. Her smile opened for a few seconds when she saw it was you, their beloved daughter, but when she came across the features on your face, the reddish eyes with lakes over them, her smile soon fell apart, taking its place a worried look. “Sweetie? What happened, my love?"
She took no time in taking you into her arms, even though you didn't answer her question. Your head falls on your mother's shoulder as she wraps one of her arms around your waist and the other massages the hair spread across her chest. Your hands tightly grip the blouse stuck to Wanda's body, as if at any moment she would come off and no longer provide the comfort you needed. Natasha heard your sobs from the kitchen, and she knew they were yours, she knew and kept almost everything about you. She quickly heads towards the front door, seeing her wife's back being grabbed by you, and how your body looked like it would fall to the ground at any moment.
“Shh, it’s okay, you’re okay.” Wanda whispered in your ear with her sweet voice. Your crying was loud, as if you had kept it for several days, your mother thought. She didn't know and had no idea why you were sobbing uncontrollably and why you arrived so early that day. Normally you would be completing some report, or training, since you always said how strong you wanted to get. But at that moment, everything didn't seem strong to you.
At some point you were carried and taken towards the comfortable sofa in that house. Your thoughts were so loud that you didn't even notice when you were positioned on your mother Wanda's lap. She still kept her grip on his body and the affectionate words in your ear. “I need you to breathe for me, sweetheart. Can you do that for me?” Her breathing became heavier and slower, forcing it so that at that moment you could keep up with her. Natasha, beside you two, continued to caress your back, praising you for following Wanda so well.
You finally managed to take a deep breath after what felt like hours of crying and sobbing. Your gaze fell from your mother's eyes to your hands in your lap, you felt embarrassed. Maybe because you were 18 and sitting on your mother's lap, or because you were crying uncontrollably without being able to breathe properly, or because you failed at the only thing you wanted to do at SHIELD. “I feel like a baby.” You say in a low voice, almost making your mothers not hear, even with their proximity.
"Well, you're our baby." Natasha says making you finally let out a laugh between your lips. “Do you want to tell us why you're so sad, my love?” You didn't know if you wanted to tell them or not, the negative thoughts making you think they were going to fight you, tell you how bad you are. So, you shrug and lay your head on Wanda's shoulder again, but in a position so you could still look at your mother Natasha. “I just- I had a bad week.” You murmur, closing your eyes to feel the comfort that place brought you. “And, um… I think I should stop being an Agent.”
That took their mothers by surprise. You always said you wanted to be one of the people at SHIELD and you always trained to be one of the best at that place. “Oh, and why do you think that?” Wanda questions. Even though you didn't see her, you knew she would be looking at Natasha, as if they were talking through looks.
“I’m not good enough.” You felt Wanda's body tense beneath you. Your mothers always knew how much you felt like everyone was better than you, how hard it was to believe you were good at something. “This week I- I ruined every mission I went on,” Your mother's blouse was soaked with your tears, and now she could once again feel the salt water falling from your eyes through the fabric. “all the Agents are making fun of me because of it. They say I will never be like you.”
When you finish speaking, Wanda's grip on your body becomes even tighter, you feel Natasha's hand in your hair, stroking it as you hear her sigh deeply. “I've lost count of how many times your mother and I messed up a mission.”
“What?”
“There were several times when I blew up my teammates, for example, Uncle Tony was probably the one who received the most blasts.” Natasha says, making the three of you laugh at the words. “What about the times your mother mistook me for enemies and threw me out of buildings with her magic? We had to stop missions many, many times.” She emphasizes the word 'many', as if she were singing it.
“Remember when I joined the Avengers, Nat?” She was asking your mother, but she was talking so you could listen. “I was much older than you, Y/n/n, and I couldn't do half the things you do today at SHIELD, even with my powers.” She leaves a kiss on your head before continuing. “In every training session I did, I always ended up on the ground.” You laugh again, feeling much lighter than before.
”And you want to know something? I bet you were the one doing all the mission stuff, huh?” Natasha says. “Because if no Agent has ever made a mistake on a mission, then they aren’t real Agents.”
“Your mother is right, make mistakes is human, my love, and everyone will do it one day.” You feel your thoughts start to ease now. The tears stopped falling down your face and only lightness is in their place. Your mothers always knew what to do to make you feel good.
"You're right..." You finally admit, lifting your head from your mother's shoulder and looking at the two women in front of you, seeing nothing but affection and truths.
Wanda sits you down on the couch before getting up and ruffling your hair. "Now, don't worry your pretty head about that stuff and just think about the cookies that are going to go into your stomach in a little while that obviously weren't made by Natasha!"
"What do you mean by 'obviously’?" You laugh at that one scene, seeing Natasha's arms cross under her breasts as an indignant expression is placed on her face.
And at the end of the day you knew that you wouldn't have to worry about anything - just your mom's delicious cookies - and that you knew that your moms would never think about fighting or being upset with you. And Natasha would definitely make sure you didn't need to worry about that Agent who wouldn't leave you alone. That bitch will obviously never set foot in SHIELD again.
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sturnwritess · 5 months ago
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Is it Casual now?
warnings: angst, cussing, crying, drinking, bit of smut.
pairing: mattsturniolo x femalexreader
summary: you and matt have been “friends” for a long time, to him u were just another girl that he deeply loved, and him to you was everything u wished for.
a/n: i know this song is for wlw but i wanted to use it for the story.
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10:26 pm
“fuck matt” you say, his tongue is in your walls as he’s eating you out. He looks up at you with his beautiful blue eyes, he smirks against your pussy making his ego even bigger. You’re currently in the back of your car and the windows are getting foggy. “im mh about to cum” you say breathless, “go ahead pretty girl” he says and that tips you over the edge. once you both got cleaned up, “can you drive me to a restaurant?” he asks.
“i was wondering if we could hangout?” you ask, he looks at you “i thought this was just a hookup though but i gotta get going my mom invited me to dinner” he says not looking at u playing with his hands. “oh ok which restaurant?” you ask looking at him. He looks up “uh yellowbricks on blackstone” he says.
You’re almost to the restaurant and you pull into the parking lot, “my mom also wants to see you, so can u come in?” he ask staring his eyes into yours. “uh yea ill go see your mom.” you say looking away, you got out of your car and walk into the restaurant. You and matt spot jimmy, marylou, chris and nick, you walk up to the table and say hi to everyone.
“y/n why dont you join us?” marylou asks, “she actually has to go mom” matt says looking up at you. “oh yeah i have this thing marylou im so sorry maybe another time?” you say, “of course just text me on facebook to let me know!” she says smiling. “ok. i will, nice to see everyone bye!” you say as you’re leaving. You feel like a burden to matt as you walk out, you get into your car and suddenly matt walks out.
He knocks on your window, “hey uhm i left my jacket in your backseat” he says “ oh ok the doors are unlocked.” you look at the backseat as he grabs it, tears dwelling in your eyes. He notices “hey are you ok pretty girl?” he asks “mhm” u say looking away, he grabs your chin “i hope this isnt about me saying your busy.” he looks at u with his brows furrowed.
“its not matt” you yank his hand off your chin, he furrows his brows “we agreed this was casual” he says. you nod and roll up your window, he walks away with his jacket in his hand and his grip so hard his knuckles were white. “casual” starts playing by Chappell Roan, you feel the tears trying to drip away from your eyes. you just started driving home, but all you could think of matt.
flashback
“thats the best time we’ve ever had sex and i mean it” he says looking into your iris, “whatcha thinking about pretty girl?” he asks. “oh nothing just like us what we are” you say still staring into his mesmerizing eyes, “you’re my everything y/n” he says. you giggle looking away, “you’re my everything too matt”.
end of flashback
you grip onto the steering wheel trying not to cry, but the tears escape your eyes and u cant help but let out sobs. you try not to think of how good you and matt used to be, but now you think back it was just casual. it hurts your stomach so much thinking about it, how everything happened and why. he was just a boy you banged on your couch but, damn him for making you feel like this.
day later
matthew❕
hey y/n
do you want to hangout?
i see you reading my texts
please dont leave me on read
dont be like this please
im coming over
read 10:19 am
you continue sobbing into your comforter and bury yourself, you soon hear your doorbell ring and you cant bring yourself to get up and see his face. so you just ignore the sounds but they dont stop, for a second they stopped and then got louder. you groaned not even bothering to brush your hair or wipe way the tears, you walk down the stairs and go open the door.
you open the door and his eyes soften once he sees your red eyes and tear stains on your cheek, “can you stop staring matthew?” you say looking away “yeah m’sorry”. “did you leave something or want to say something? you clear your throat saying. “cmon we agreed that no feelings attached y/n” he says, you close the door behind him.
“how was i suppose not to?” you ask, he looks away “you said i was your everything matt!” you say as anger arises inside of you “i know i know but please dont be mad because- you cut him off “no i get to be mad matt because you said we were casual but people who are casual dont say shit like that!” you scream.
“please dont say what you dont mean y/n” he says, “we should just end this whatever this is.” you say as a tear slips down your cheek. “no no please y/n i need you!” he says as his eyes dwell with tears, “no you need someone who loves you and i thought i could give that to you but i really cant because you wont give it back or say some stupid shit like this is casual matt”.
“i didnt mean it please please dont do this” hes screaming in sobs, your heart breaks at the sight but you knew this had to be done for his sake and yours. “please matt dont make this harder than it is.” you put his head into your chest as you say. hes sobbing into your chest and every time you feel his tears slipping a piece of your heart shatters.
“i really did love you matt and i mean it.” you say as you bring his head up to meet your eyes, “please i dont want to lose you please please just dont do this”. he says and with that you kiss his forehead “matthew you need to go baby please.” you say. “can you hold me one more time y/n” he asks as his eyes are practically red and tears drip down each time.
“yes matt come here” you say as you bring him to your chest, you felt as time froze around you but the reality matter more than the fantasy you pictured. “okay sweetboy its time to go.” you say removing your arms from him, “i loved you too y/n” he says as he brings your face in his hands and kisses your forehead. “do you think we could ever be soulmates in another universe?” he asks looking at you.
“god i hope so” you say looking at him as he walks out your door. you both knew that was the last time he would ever enter and leave your house. you both loved each other just maybe in another life.
———————————————————————————————————————
hey so uhm this was really short and im sorry but i didnt know what to write lol
@sturnioloshacker @sturtriple16 @mattscoquette @mattybsgroupie
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harucchii · 7 months ago
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Why ARE you proud of your asexuality, exactly? And how did and does it shape how you are as a person, having a natural lack of sexual attraction to anyone? What makes it important enough to celebrate? I'm asking genuinely because I don't understand and would like to. Thank you.
Hi! happy pride month :D
I am proud of my asexuality because is a part of me!! is something that affects the way i see people and for obvious reasons my relationships and trying to hide it or change will only lead me to be miserable
through my whole life i experienced things differently when it comes to attraction to people, i never seemed to develope crushes on my classmates or celebrities, cause i just.. didint care? to a point my mom got worried and straight up asked me if i was gay because my lack of interest "was not normal"
when i was in my first long term relationship my lack of sexual needs and desire was a huge issue that would lead on fights very often and my former partner to feel unloved as i would prefer just to cuddle or watch a movie. This back and foward with him and constant fights made me feel like efectibly was somethign wrong with me and transformed sex more of a chore than something im supposed to enjoy or want
thing which developed a huge sexual trauma on me but also helped me to understand that, that relationship would never work because i just could never deliver what he wanted and his needs were different than mine. we were just hurting each other
i also got sent to doctors by my mother as to find what was "wrong" with me as my lack of sexual needs was not "normal" for her
there is so much i had to deal and endure my whole adulthood because of this, because i experience thigns differently
now. more big and more mature i can confidently say, im asexual. I celebrate my asexuality because There was nothign wrong with me and the way i experience thigns is just different
i celebrate it and i mention it as an important part of myself because i know i will not be able to be in a fullfiling relationship if my partner is not aware of this fact or not willing to accept it
i celebrate it because doctors didnt found anything wrong in me and i just love differently. and asuming that lack of sexual attraction is part of an illness hurts people who might be dealing with this feelings!
I celebrate because in a hyper sexualized world i dont really seem to fit in, AND THAT IS OKAY, because the way i live my life should not affect others and they way they live theirs
i do feel romantic attraction! i can fall in love and love other person!! but i just cant deliver what most people would be expect in a relationship and that is okay!
And finally i celebrate to ensure online that the people who experience love differently just like me are not alone in this journey and will be okay :3. just a lil bit of emotional support for who might feel broken due what others say to them
I apologize if i repeat myself or i wronte something wrong as english is not my main language
have a good day!
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i-cant-sing · 1 year ago
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I was rereading some of your works and this line stuck out to me
‘Enji is keeping up with all your cravings, no matter how weird. You're craving ice chips? Alright. You want ice cream at 3 am? The fridge is stocked with your favs. Oh no, you want soft serve? Its okay, princess, I'll drive us there. I'm sure they'll open the store for the no. 1 hero.’
I immediately pictured him, banging on the front door of the shop, absolutely panicked because his “baby” is hungry for ice cream and is worried that she’ll cry because of pregnancy hormones
HAHAHAHAHA YESSSSSS and like u can't blame him??? He's already so protective of you as his daughter, but not that you're pregnant with Ratsuki's baby, his protectiveness increases ten folds. Who knows what that devil's spawn is doing to your poor body???? How much pain you're in because of Ratsuki's baby????
Ugh, he just- even if you tell him how excited you are to gave this baby, Enji just can't stop fretting over you because you're his baby! Always were, and always will be!
Yandere dad Enji with pregnant daughter reader is literally so cute because there is nothing that will stop this man from making sure that you are healthy and comfortable and yes, he will still hold you whenever you're feeling down, baby bump or not, you weigh nothing to him🥰
You're feeling emotional and end up calling Enji (instead of Katsuki cause he's busy with work) and he hears a wobble in your voice? BAm, papa is at your door step in 10 minutes with ice cream and snacks and warm cuddles. Feel free to bitch about Katsuki to him (actually dont, he will kill him)
Ever since you got married and moved in with Katsuki, Enji had been missing your company. And once you had returned from your honeymoon and visited him, he realised just how terribly he missed you. So of course he grabs any opportunity to spend time with you. Baby checkup? Okay, papa Enji is coming to pick you up. Grocery shopping? How odd that he's also out of groceries. Cmon, lets shop together, and maybe some cute (SUPER EXPENSIVE, LUXURY BRANDED) maternity and baby clothes to spoil you. Nothing to do at home? Well, you can always help out dad at his work! Enji's sending a car to drive you to his company 🥰 And its like, even if you do have plans with Katsuki, Enji will pull some strings to make sure that Katsuki gets stuck at work while you sulk at home, awaiting your husband. But Enji will come to console you, cry on his shoulder baby. Sometimes, Enji will drop by unannounced, especially if he finds out that you're spending the weekend with Katsuki's parents. He'll be bringing in a boquet, kissing you on the cheek, before wrapping his coat around you, telling you that you must come home with him right away. And you're all like "??? Dad! I'm here with my in laws. I cant just up and leave-!" And he pulls the big sad eyes and says "Its Rei." and you automatically sigh and nod before going to apologise to Kats parents for cancelling your plans with them, claiming there's a "family emergency", which isnt a lie because yandere Rei is an EMERGENCY at all times. Its just, you've always known your mother's mental health was detoriating, but the rate at which it detoriated increased ten folds when you moved out. She's always been protective of you, because of all the trauma and because you're her youngest, so of course... she took it the hardest when you left her side to be with Katsuki. And before your marriage, you swore to your father that you'll always be there to help him with Mom, whenever needed, no questions asked. Its the only reason Enji gave you his blessing marry RATsuki. So whenever he misses you too much, he tells you that Rei is having another "episode" where she's screaming your name, crying that someone took you away and is hurting you, is resorting to harming herself, etc. And sometimes Rei does have these epiosdes, other times she doesnt, but it doesnt matter to either of them because if they want u home, you will come. And as soon as Enji has brought you to the Todoroki estate, your're running (or waddling) inside, immeadiately engulfed by your mother who will now proceed to coddle you and fret over you non stop for the next couple of days (spoon feeding you her food, brushing your hair until you dose off, rubbing your baby bump while humming lullabies. Enji's having the best time too becuase he gets to tuck you in at night and wake u in the morning and have more daddy-daughter ice cream dates with yall) until she's better or... well, your husbands comes to fetch you.
And Rat- KATSUKI, sees through all their BULLSHIT! But you dont and thats why he cant call them out on it. Thats why he must be the more patient one between him and your greedy parents.
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v-i-r-i-d-i-a-n · 4 months ago
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Everytime I open a jrwi episode it’s a gamble on what I’m gonna be hearing and seeing
“You’re It” Episode 91, quotes and reactions
Bizly;”Charlie would make a great sim”
Ollie;”Damnit! I mean- dang it!…Darn it? SHIT!”
Gillion *in the most serious tone imaginable*;”No tag backs.”
Ollie;”Gillion what the fuck! I mean heck!”
Chip and Gillion in a barrel Chip and Gillion in a barrel- damn nvm mechanics stop it
Condi;”Jay disappears”
Bizly;”Now hang on 🤨”
THERES TWO GILLIONS AND NEITHER ARE ACTUALLY GILLION GIGGLING
Ollie;”It’s coming. I’m safe.”
GOOBLECK CAMEO <33333
Ughhhh propaganda propaganda blablabla
Gillion;”thats that girl that attacked us, what happened?”
Chip;”We handled it.”
Gillion;”..bet.”
Chip;”Bet.”
Charlie;”Underage people cannot commit crimes in the world of riptide, which is a cool little world building fact.”
Gillion;”This is Queen, he can’t finish”
Gillion;”Falsetto? Is that what that is? I don’t know, I can only tell the truth. I only have a truesetto”
ONE PIECE REFERENCESSSSS
Gillion;”I’m sorry if it made you sad that I piledrived a cat through an entire city at 300 MPH :((. He started it >:(“
JAY STRUGGLING WITH HER PART AND PLACE IN THE WAR AND NOT WANTING TO HAVE HER FAMILY LOOK AT HER WITH DISGUST AND NOT WANTING TO HURT THEM AND WAAAAAAAAAGHHHH MY BBG
Chip;”Yk what they say, an eye for an eye”
Jay;”And the world goes blind?”
Chip;”…just forget the last part :DD”
YESSS DONT LET HER WALK AWAY ‼️‼️
God I love all of their dynamics so much albatrio I love you so much
Gillion;”If I were you I don’t think I could’ve answered her either..” AWWWGGHHSHDHDKDJXJD
Earl;”BOOHOO, BUNCHA BITCHIN ASS KIDS. OH MY GAWD, IM DROWNING IN ANGST. BOOHOO”
Gillion;”I am the consequence I am the consequence.”
Fake caspian noises I love him HES A SIM
Fake Caspian;”Hakuna matata bitch.”
I feel like this little journal Ollie gave Chip is gonna emotional devastate me
Ollie;”I’m gonna kick you in the nuts” “I’m gonna burst the lump”
Chip;”You shouldn’t remember things like that!”
Ollie;”I remember everything I’m an impressionable 12 year old.”
Jay;”Great googly moogly! Kira!”
NIGHTMARE TIMEEEE
Gillion’s mom;“Eggs.”
“I’ll..be..back” IS FUCKING TERRIFYING
ALSO DREAM EDEN NOOOOOOO
Chip;”I see that shit every day in the mirror”
Jay;”You want breakfast..?”
Gillion;”……what are we having.”
Chip;”IM MAKING EGGGSSSS”
Gillion;”….WAKEUPWAKEUPWAKEUPWAKEUPWAKEUPWAKEUPWAKEUPWAKEUP”
Chip;”…he taken all the eggs :00”
Jay;”I think we need a therapist as our next crew member”
Chip:”It’s so early to be scary”
Gillion;”I think it’s pretty fucking late to be scary.”
Gillion;”I thought I’d make it more then a day before having to show these puppies off” *black oozing scars on his chest*
WEED CIRCLE WEED CIRCLE WEED CIRCLE
Charlie;”you fail the weed check and you die”
Literally any of their high quotes are fucking amazing
Chip *high as balls*;It’s your destiny to fuck that thing up dude”
Chip;”You’re Gillion, mother fucking, titty sucking Tidestrider”
Gillion;”How’d you know my middle name? 😦”
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lordsukunas · 10 months ago
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tldr: bf!yuuji being needy for kisses. please give him a kiss.
cw: none! a buncha fluff ft. protective yuuji moment. megumi cameo (dont ask why). also black-coded!reader !!
a/n: can yall tell i rly like bf!yuuji... its getting outta hand atp, i have like two or three drabbles for him in my drafts, but this might be the only one making it out of there (i have way too many drafts... :p) anyway, hope yall enjoy this lil snippet
“hey.” poke.
“hey, baby.” poke.
“heyyyyy–”
“yuuji,” you huff, but there’s that familiar smile on your face that just makes his grin grow, revealing pearly whites. “i’m tryna read.”
he looks up at you from where his big head is resting on your thighs, and his fingers play with the fabric of your shirt. his shirt, really. “did you give me a kiss today?”
you flip the page. “i did. i gave you one when we went out to eat for breakfast,” (he remembers that because you tasted like maple syrup and strawberries) “and during lunch after i got beat up by maki.” even after five hours and a melted icepack, the bruise on your ass still hurts.
yuuji’s lips curve downward into a little pout. clearly, he was trying to catch you off guard, which was dumb. you’re never gonna miss his scheduled kisses.
“mmm, okay...” he taps his chin in exaggerated thought. “buuuut did you give me one this evening?”
this evening? that’s new.
you place your bookmark in between the pages and set your book down. finally, you’re looking at him, brow raised with a mischievous glint in your eyes. “oh, so we’re doing dinner kisses now?”
a light red dusts his tan cheeks, but he nods. “well... yeah.” a beat. “c’mon, baby, i jus’ want one!” big caramel eyes peer up at you, lips puckered ever so slightly for a kiss.
the sight is adorable, and the part of you that never wants to deny yuuji anything is practically screaming for you to give him that kiss. on the other hand, the little devil on your shoulder is telling you to keep teasing him a little.
unfortunately for your boyfriend, you’re feeling a bit cheeky right now. and you maybe, just maybe want payback for him letting you get your ass beat by maki.
“okay, but if i give you one now, i can’t give you one before curfew.”
yuuji’s jaw drops like you just told him the world’s ending, and he shoots upright, his body twisting on his bed to properly face you. “what?! no, please! that’s not even fair. y’know i need it, otherwise i can’t sleep good and fushiguro gets all mad at me.”
you shrug, barely fighting back a smirk. “then you gotta pick. you either get a kiss now or later. i only have three kisses per day.”
“only three?! babe, tell me you’re not–”
there’s a loud thump against the wall that yuuji’s bed is pushed against, and both of you freeze, his arm shooting out in front of your body.
“can the both of you shut up?” megumi’s voice is muffled, but the irritation in it is crystal clear.
immediately, yuuji’s arm drops and the tension drains out of your bodies. he sighs. “sorry, fushiguro.”
you might have heard a grunt of approval before it falls quiet again, the faint chirping of crickets and the familiar hum of his fan in the background. your boyfriend is still giving you the puppy-dog eyes, practically batting his dark lashes. “pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?”
ugh. you’re never gonna win — he’s too cute! plus, megumi is a little scary when he acts like an angry mom.
“fine, c’mere.” you cup his face, bringing his soft pink lips closer to yours. your lips touch, and a burst of energy rushes through you as yuuji places his hands on your hips.
after a few long moments (because heaven knows you can’t help but get a little greedy with him), you pull away, a small grin on your face. “there. is that enough to tide you over until curfew?”
“nope,” he says, and leans right back in for another kiss. you move your head to the side, so instead of connecting with your mouth, his lips press to your cheek.
you tsk, theatrically wagging your finger, which earns a snort from yuuji. “now you’re definitely not getting another kiss. needy self.”
“what?! it’s not my fault you taste good!”
“maybe you just needa have more self-restraint.”
he huffs. “how am i supposed to have self-restraint when it comes to you? that’s like telling a bee not to make honey!”
oh.
heat rushes to your cheeks, and you’re glad it doesn’t show when you blush. how is your boyfriend so unknowingly good with words?!
you pinch his cheek and pray he doesn’t notice the slight strain in your voice. “whatever. let me finish reading, and maybe i’ll think about giving you a kiss before bed.”
“if you finish reading early, do i get extra kisses?” yuuji hands you the book, grinning.
“gotta think about it.”
surprise surprise — he ends up getting extra kisses.
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crow-ur-beloved · 6 months ago
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various jrwi headcanons because the worms in my brain (potential autism) wont shut up. no real plot spoilers except for one, but its marked :]
the suckening:
shilo is like vampire immunocompromised, which added to the pile of reasons his mom used to keep him inside the castle because she didnt want him to immediately get 37 different diseases and Die. (if vampires can have allergies then id like to think they can also get sick. i dont actually know if thats possible in the vtm system but i dont care they can in my heart)
genderfuck/genderpunk afab emizel. i feel like thats the only label he'd use, if he had to have one. i dont think hed label his sexuality because he wants to be an enigma. but he Definitely likes men.
bizley said in the qna something that can Only let me think of shilo as aromantic. maybe aro And ace... i dont remember what he said exactly aughhgh i wish i did...
shilo fidgets with his hands like all the time. his mother and uncle tried to get him to stop and sit still because it wasnt very princely and whatnot but my boy needs a fidget toy. i think hed go craaaazy with an infinity cube
i feel like me saying arthur bennett is a bisexual doesnt even count as a headcanon like i think thats just a given. i feel like itd be more surprising if i said i thought he was straight. all beautiful beautiful vampire men have to be lgbtq. its the law actually
arthur never officially broke up with mary. mans just Left one day without warning. probably left a note that said "sorry. -arthur" on it. i doubt he had it in him to say goodbye to her face or his reasoning for it (he thought hed inevitably hurt her because of what he is and what he did to the people he loved in the past, because bad luck seems to follow him everywhere... oughh he makes me ill). he definitely used finding a new lead on anya somewhere else in the country as a good reason to dip. at least, as good a reason as it couldve been for him.
maybe controversial but i 100% think arthur and magnus had a one-night stand at the beginning of their relationship, before magnus met jerome, and they never talked about it again and pretend it never happened. cannot explain how real this is to me.
riptide:
ftm chip who 100% innately knew he was a dude since the moment he could think. like when the black rose pirates picked him up, he got confused when they started referring to him as a girl at first. probably never got The Talk from them, so was Very confused when he hit puberty. Reuben reluctantly helped him steal to pay for top surgery.
since tritons live at the bottom of the ocean, they would have eyes that are far more sensitive to light to allow them to see better since little light gets all the way down there. gillion was Immediately blinded by the sun when he surfaced and still gets headaches from how bright it is in the oversea, but they've gotten better the longer he's been up there. tritons are built to adapt to all kinds of conditions, so his eyes have slowly been getting a darker bluish-purple the longer he spends above the ocean; they were originally more of a light blue-grey.
in tandem with the last one, chip thinks hes either going crazy or a bad friend because he Swears gill's eyecolor is different than last week but how could that be possible, thats not just something he can do, right? why would he be able to do that???
if gillion gets knocked onto his back without warning he does that thing that sharks do where they get paralyzed for a bit when they get flipped upside down. its scary because he can see everything but cant do anything. he also definitely forgot to tell chip and jay about this fact and scared the Shit out of them the first time it happened around them.
gillion can also change his sex like some fish can. its the reason he can lay eggs. i think this makes it safe to say genderfluid/nonbinary/generally trans gillion tidestrider is highly possible and even probable in this headcanon. what im saying is t4t fish n chips.
not to headcanon all my favs as trans but i cant help it. it is the highest honor i can bestow upon them. anyways. mtf jay ferin. ava always knew and was the first person jay came out to. jay was also 100% named jayson after her father and went by jay most of her life anyway as a nickname and just decided to stick with it instead of picking anything else. may was always very openly-supportive of her. jayson was as supportive as a generally strict, overbearing, unsupportive-in-everything father can be. jay totally came out to him and the first thing he said to her was something like, "as long as it doesnt interfere with your navy training," and may promptly kicked him under the table and made him say something nice.
kiras trans too btw. she came out before jay and helped jay discover she was trans. and that she liked women.
(spoilers for 109 and beyond) chip can't entirely remember what he looks like. everytime he focuses on the illusion of hiding that hes practically just a skeleton now, it changes just a bit. freckles in the wrong places, the wrong shade of orange for his flame tattoos, too much light in his eyes, too much muscle on his arms. jay notices it but cant bring herself to say anything. she knows the illusion is meant to keep everyone from worrying, but, everytime she sees something off about it, she just remembers what he really looks like underneath, and that somehow feels worse.
blood in the bayou:
all these bitches gay as hell. kian is pan. rands got a lot of internalized homophobia. rolan probably too. its the 80s, man.
apotheosis (haven't finished it yet so idk how true these'll be lol):
agender rumi. godbless.
also rumis a theater kid. he got the lead in every musical he auditioned for because he could literally just shapeshift. theyd make up a new identity and appearance for every role and get to know everyone on the cast and then mysteriously drop off the face of the planet as that person when the production was over and nobody would know it was them.
peter has actually tried All Kinds of things. weed. yoga. multilevel marketing schemes. you name it, big chance hes done it at least once and didnt like it. he doesnt know how he ends up in the situations to try it, either.
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