#im not built for a dayjob but im able to work for a few hours with saplings every now and then | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

jonny-b-meowborn · 1 year ago

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Guess who fucked her wrists up during work because he refused to go on a single break because he felt like that's the only way to prove she's not useless since her autism stops her from doing anything a person his age "should" do

#its me. if you couldn't guess #i did that #i didnt do any actual damage to my wrists but they are in pain and i can already feel that its gonna get worse #and ill probably have an awful time trying to sleep because of it #and look.#i know that im not useless #i know that prople who have similar or bigger struggles aremt useless either #i dont believe that anyone's worth depends on having a job or being productive or whatever #i do know that #but sometimes even when you know something you dont feel it #yknow what i mean #and this blueberry plantation is the only job i can have right now #im not built for a dayjob but im able to work for a few hours with saplings every now and then #though that is. very physically tiring #which is also extra frustrating to me as a young person #because the other older ladies at the job always make me feel like im not allowed to be tired or in pain because im young #so i never say that im tired until im alone w my mom #and i want to prove that im not a useless parasite. i can do some work. so i might as well give my all #and dont take any breaks #im not trying to excuse hurting myself #but you know. its hard to think straight and respect myself sometimes #sometimes its easier to hurt myself in ways that make other people think good of me #im treating myself to some snacks now tho #gonna go buy myself some chips and smoke s cigarette and watch silly videos and play games and go to bed #and yes i know that being kind to myself after i was cruel to myself doesnt fix that #i shouldn't have the mindset of #yeah im being unnecessarily cruel to myself but at least im gonna reward myself later :)#but y'know what can you do #(go to therapy i should go to therapy)#bee buzz

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