#but also because she was scared of not changing enough

[disheveledapathy]

How far will you let your fear of being stagnant take you, dear?

[fangsandfeels]

Can anyone explain me what the ever-loving fuck is going on with the Qunari in Veilguard?

When I learned about Treviso occupation, I thought that was the result of Qunari officially being on the warpath. The Trespasser made it clear that the Qunari have been planning their invasion for quite a while - but chose to act covertly at first. Which makes perfect sense for Qunari, this is what they do. That would have also added some delicious moments for Taash and the Vashoth!Rook.

However, in the game we have not Qunari, but the Antaam (military). Which sounds stupid. The "it's not the nation, its it's soldiers doing it" excuse already sounds stupid if you ask me, but in the context of the Qunari lore it sounds even more stupid.

So, according to the accompanying media, Antaam...rebelled and acted without sanction. They have split into groups led by warlords who squabble between themselves and try to dig deep into the land they occupied. Which is bullshit.

The Antaam, meaning "body" in Qunlat, is the military of the Qunari led by the Arishok. Metaphorically, the Antaam are the eyes, ears, legs, arms and hands of the creature, everything that one needs to interact with the world, and so most Qunari encountered by Thedosians belong to the military

Antaam listen to the Arishok and Arishok alone. Qun is built on a system where everyone knows their place - and when they're out of place, they freak the fuck out, the massacre-the-family-because-my-tool-is-lost way. So, the probability of a large group of Qunari, an entire fucking army doing something without a command, and then digging a deeper hole for themselves by warlording is extremely low. Also, by all accounts, they're stop being seen by their kin as Qunari - they are Tal-Vashoth. Because they acted on their own volition, disobeyed the order, disobeyed the Arishok. This is not how the Qun works. No matter what they say, how they call themselves - they are Tal-Vashoth.

Like, there is a reason why Qunari are terrified of not fitting their mold - not only they have no idea of what to do when things don't go as planned, but also they are scared of losing their way and becoming permanently lost. The Iron Bull had that belief that he might lose his mind because he didn't know if he should trust himself without the guidance of Qun - him being a little more flexible due to his work as a spy as well as getting people he grew emotionally attached to helped with overcoming this barrier. But far from all Qunari are that lucky. Sten was so dejected after losing his sword that he let himself be caged - he didn't care about dying or anything anymore. He couldn't go home.

...Alright, where were we?

According to the wikipedia, Rasaan (the emissary of the Triumvirate)...took the control over Antaam? HOW? Qun is extremely rigid and allows no loopholes. For a change this massive there have to be some really, really good reasons - and I don't think the Antaam would have just accepted it. Without high enough approval, Sten only acknowledges Warden as the leader after they beat his ass in a duel.

Alright, let's say Rasaan gaslit the Antaam into believing she channels the way of the Qun and they ate it up. But why do we have warlords now?

Warlords with names, like Butcher? There are no names in the Qun. This is, once again, Tal-Vashoth behavior. But at the same time, they have access to qamek? What? How? Why? How does Par Vollen feel about their entire "body" fucking off? If they didn't sanction it, why aren't they stopping them???

It wouldn't be the first time for Bioware to twist their own lore and canon, but this one is legitimately migraine-inducing. Why not make a full-scale and sanctioned Qunari invasion, Qunari are like this! It's okay to make them the baddies, their ways are fucked up already and some positives don't make up for all the negatives! Don't just slap in a bunch of guys literally called "the army" and say "Nah, not all Qunari guys, these are just military acting on their own despite their lifestyle being all about following the system and doing your strictly established duties"

[diangelodork]

DBDA nightly analysis #15! (holy shit i can’t believe i’ve been doing this for over two weeks omg)

tonight’s topic is a bit outside of the content within dbda and is more about dbda within the sphere of media we have in the world.

something i realized not long ago and that i spoke about with my amazing psych professor (shout out my prof she’s fucking amazing but i’m not saying her name bc im scared of the internet) is the excessive emphasis that we as a society place on romantic relationships.

i would be willing to argue that love is the main theme of every single piece of media out there. this includes romantic love, yes, but also familial love and platonic love and self-love and a love of your craft and of your hobbies and a love of a concept like power. society is based around love. love is the most powerful motivator in existence.

think of the most popular media you can and i promise you that you can see where love comes into play.

it is also an objective reality that there is a disproportionate amount of media out there that is exclusively about romantic love. romantic love is important for lots of people (not everyone, mind you) and i love a good romance story, but it’s rather unfortunate that all other types of love get pushed to the side so often in favor of highlighting romantic love.

this incredible show, however, isn’t that. there is certainly lots of romance within this show and lots of triangles and circles and pentagons and other shapes in this show, but the main emphasis is friendship and that’s a breath of fresh air in the romance driven world we live in.

charles and edwin are, above all else, best friends. they are each other’s other half and they have been for decades. edwin confesses to charles nearly immediately after he discovers his romantic feelings because of how much he adores charles as a person. he is the most important person to him and he cannot bear hiding something from his other half. he confesses because he loves him as a person. as a friend. as charles. he can’t handle hiding any aspect of himself from his best friend. even when he tells niko that he told the boy he likes that he likes him, he says that he doesn’t like him back, but that they are “better friends because of it.” he cares more about charles knowing him than he needs him in that way. though it would be nice if the love of his life liked him back in the same way, him remaining his best friend is more than enough for edwin. him still loving him is enough for edwin.

charles’ love for edwin as a friend is also exactly what causes him to not immediately rule out a sense of romantic attraction to him. he could've very easily said "i love you, but not in that way," but he doesn't because he owes it to the person he loves more than anything to mull over this. even still, he does profess his love to him right there, only, it’s not romantic. he tells him that nothing would ever destroy their bond and that he's the only person he would ever risk following to literal hell. he tells him that he’s everything and that nothing could change that. he’s his best friend and that means something. it means more than simple romantic/physical attraction does. charles’ dedication and love for edwin is much more important than monty or tck’s attraction to him and him meeting a confession with “i can’t say im in love with you back, but you are the most important person to me,” is so much more impactful than if they had just begun dating right then.

when edwin discovers that monty betrayed them the entire time, his initial reaction is the most hurt "were you just pretending to be my friend?" i have ever heard in my life. he, most out of all the characters, values friendship over everything else.

we also see this when he's being tortured by esther. he's whimpering and shouting, but it's measly compared to the guttural scream he lets out when niko is struck. he cares more about her than he cares about his own pain and suffering.

niko hasn't had friends, as she says in E4 when talking to the shopkeeper. she does now and she's willing to face possible death for them at every turn, a thing that she has professed her fear of. she tells the sprites that she's scared of death, as her father has passed rather recently and she nearly did the episode before this one. literally the episode after she fully gets introduced, she decides to go and face her greatest fear to try and save them. she literally dies jumping in front of crystal and taking the blow for her despite the fact that that’s her greatest fear imaginable.

crystal never really had friends either as she was a selfish and shitty person before she lost her memories. she had people she called her friends, but it was never a healthy relationship as we see through her memories. with charles and edwin and niko, she forms a quick bond and is incredibly loyal to them. she tries to follow edwin, who she doesn't even think likes her very much, to hell and faces her abusive ex to do so.

jenny would do anything for those kids, following crystal to face aforementioned abusive (literal demon) ex and standing up for them wherever else she can despite not knowing a single thing about the supernatural.

niko is probably the first friend tragic mick has. the first person who listens to him and he provides not only intel on how to take esther down, but only genuine and concerned warning for facing such a dangerous witch as esther, as well as a charm that saves niko's life in the long run.

as @spaceraph pointed out, even the night nurse who is someone that clearly does not have many intimate social connections of her own is impacted by (non-romantic) love. she is genuinely touched by kashi’s friendship and it changes her perspective on what she ends up doing with the boys in E7. shes also incredibly emotionally affected when seeing the exchange between charles and edwin in his flashback to his death. she begins crying despite having been rather cold and calculated in all other scenes she is present in. love affects even her.

this show is filled with love and dedication to others, and it's so beautiful to see much more of an emphasis on platonic and interpersonal love vs. strictly caring about the romantic aspect of things. it's rather beautiful and wildly important. it’s held to the highest regard and that is so important to see.

[my-secret-shame-but-fanfiction]

@hammerhead96 I AM BITING THIS! I am so sorry it took 45 years <3

Anselm Vogelweide x gn!Reader • Rating: PG pals Masterlist• ao3• want to be tagged? | request info • buy me a coffee? • ask-travaganza masterlist •

Summary: You paint Anselm's portrait.

Warnings: Fluff, Anselm has siblings here, I'm just making stuff up, little bit of jealous!Anselm, kissing, not beta read, please let me know if I have missed a warning!

Word Count: 2311

“Stop moving.” You glare politely at Anselm over the canvas.  

He smiles sweetly at you from his position on the chair in the middle of the room. The large floor length curtains are drawn, letting in the late morning sunshine. He’s sat at a slight three quarter angle, his scared side facing you. 

It had been his sister that had commissioned you, Adela Vogelweide, a gift for his birthday. The fact that she’d chosen you had surprised you. You knew she had enough personal wealth to hire practically anyone in the world for whatever exorbitant amount they wanted and still consider it small change. 

Adela had seen some of your pieces at a local gallery showing, the curator an old friend of yours, where she had quite loudly enquired about the price of your largest landscape. Paid three times the asking amount, and then said it was still undervalued. 

She had called you up personally after convincing your friend to let her use their phone. The first words she’d spoken to you when you picked up were, “Why are you underselling yourself?” 

Adela was brazen and kind, with a quick temper she had never directed at you. She dyed her hair black, something she delighted in telling you, except for two streaks that framed her face, those she kept in her natural grey. She had also delighted herself in telling you all about her older brother Anselm, and what a nuisance he was, a rapscallion, but a loveable one. And wouldn’t you be a dear and paint his portrait? 

This was your fourth sitting.

“You said I could move a little, my dear?” He gives you a cheeky grin. 

You poke your head around the canvas again, purposefully benign a little more dramatic than you truly need to be, because you know it amuses him. 

“Emphasis on a little.” 

His smile widens. “Am I moving too much?” He feigns innocence badly. 

You give him a look. “Yes. Stop fidgeting.” 

“My leg.” He pouts, and rubs his thigh. 

“Anselm.” 

“Yes, my dear?” 

“That leg is not the one with your brace on.” 

He chuckles and then quickly puts on a mock serious expression. “Can’t my other leg hurt? My, my, this is most uncaring of you, and here I thought you such a sweet person.” 

“Well, you thought wrong then, didn’t you?” You carry on painting, adding a little shading. Most of the sittings so far were just to get a feel for him as a subject. You’d completed several rough sketches and paintings, and taken umteenth reference photos. 

“I don’t think so, my dear, I’m a very good judge of character.” 

“Would you say that runs in the family?” You ask nonchalantly. 

“How so?” 

“Is Adela a good judge of character?” 

He pauses for a moment and then nods, “She is.” 

“She warned me about you.” You say offhandedly and Anselm cackles with glee.

“Did she?” 

“She did.” 

“How marvellous. Did she tell you I’m a wretched and depraved lust filled bloodthirsty tyrant?” 

You pause, “No.”

“What did she say?” He strokes his beard slightly.

“That you were cheeky.” 

He tuts. “Now, that is a gross misrepresentation, I will have to have words with her.” 

“Don’t get me in trouble.” You giggle. 

“Now, now, my dear. She’ll most likely tell me off for some reason, probably for my playful, but oh so charming treatment of you, wouldn’t you say?” 

You give him another look and he laughs. 

“You disagree?” 

“Stop fishing for compliments.”

“Ah, but I must. You haven’t said one kind thing to me all morning.” He folds his arms, pretending to huff. 

“First, that is untrue, second, stop moving.” 

He grins, “My apologies,” and puts his arms back down. “My dear Adela does love to scold me, despite being the younger sibling. You would think she was twelve years my senior, not junior… It is the different father I think.” He smiles fondly. 

“You have different fathers?” 

He nods, “You are enquiring about the surname yes?” 

You nod as well. 

“Well, my mother is Magdalena Vogelwiede, the only child of my grandfather who lived past infancy. She kept the family name and refused to change it when she married, not that any of her husbands would have dared to argue with her, besides all of them coveted the prestige of being part of the Vogelwiede family. All of her children were given her last name.”

“Do you have other siblings?” You ask, still holding your paintbrush but you have given up most pretences of actually working. The way he talked was almost hypnotic. Soothing. You could happily listen for hours. 

“I do, I had an older brother, Wilhelm, who died very young. When my father died, my mother remarried and had Adela and Helena. She divorced my step-father when Helena was two, shame, as I was quite fond of him. She didn’t marry the father of my youngest sister, Libeste. But that was a very good thing, he was a terrible bore.”

You smile, delighting in the fondness in his expression. “Is she still with us?” 

He nods, “She is, going very strong. She lives in Italy with her suitor, a toy boy.”

“Toy boy?” You snort. 

“He’s only sixty eight.” He chuckles. 

“Scandalous.” You grin. 

“I like him very much, his name is Alvin, like the chipmunks. Which is what he said to me the first time I met him, a very sweet man, utterly besotted with my mother, the poor fool.”

“The poor fool?”

“She bullies him so,” Anselm sighs fondly, “But he does love it. So I think they are meant to be with each other.” 

You barely manage another five minutes of painting before Anselm has to take an emergency meeting. He apologises profusely and kisses your hand when you leave. You do your best to hide your giddiness when his lips touch your skin.

The following Thursday you’re back at his house, mansion, just about to get out of your car when your phone rings. Adela. 

You press accept. “Hello, Adela.” 

“My darling, how are you? Are you well?” Her voice practically purrs on the other end of the phone.

“I’m good, you?” 

“Fine, fine, listen, I am having a small get together tomorrow night, I will send a car for you. Yes?” 

“I,” You pause, ever so slightly taken aback. “Well…”

“You are free of course?” 

“Well, I was going to work on the portrait-”

“Oh, don’t worry about that, you have plenty of time, I understand art works can take years.”

“I don’t think it’ll take me years, I mean-”

“See? You are already ahead of schedule then my darling, 8pm the car will come. It’s a small thing, barely a hundred people, casual dress. And I mean it, wear jeans and a t-shirt if you want, or nothing at all.”

You open your mouth to speak and close it again as she continues.

“I simply must introduce you to my son. Anyway, see you then, ciao!” 

She hangs up before you can even say a word. 

You’re setting up in the ground floor study when Anselm comes in. His expression is stormy, you would almost say bleak if it wasn’t for the hard look in his eyes. 

He sits on the chair without his usual exuberance, muttering a quiet “Good morning.” 

You pause, still setting up your easel. Part of you isn’t sure if you know him well enough to ask about what’s bothering him, even though he’s been nothing but forthcoming and charming with you. You swallow down your anxiety.

“Are you okay?” 

“Hmm,” he nods and doesn’t look at you.”Perfectly well.” 

You bite your thumbnail nervously, but don’t ask again. You set up the rest of your equipment in silence. 

The quiet is odd. You realise you’re so used to hearing him talk, to being swept up in his tales that now the room seems hollow and barren without them. Cold and sterile. The grandfather clock in the corner ticks loudly, echoes sickeningly. 

Nothing seems to be going quite right, your colours are wrong, the shape irregular. 

You’ve been working for around twenty minutes when Anselm finally talks. 

“Has my sister invited you yet?” He’s a little gruff, a huff in his voice.

“I’m sorry?” You look up from your work.

“Invited you… to her gathering tomorrow?” 

“Oh, erm,” You stumble over your words, the hard look he gives you is practically alien, so unlike his usual smiles. “Yes, she called me just as I got here.” 

Anselm’s expression hardens. For a moment you don’t think he’s going to speak again. “She wants you to meet David, her eldest.” 

You pause, not sure if you should reply, but you do anyway. “Yeah, erm, she mentioned it briefly… not that I really got a word in.” You laugh weakly, maybe he was annoyed at how long it was taking you to start on the painting? “Honestly, I was planning on working on your portrait, but I didn’t really get a chance to refuse the invitation.” 

He hums again, sighing and slumps down a little in his chair. “He got divorced last year, you know?” 

It takes you a full minute to realise he’s talking about David. 

“Clean break, his ex-wife was very reasonable. No children.” He sighs again, “A perfectly eligible bachelor.” He runs his hand through his hair, pushing his curls in a completely different direction. 

“Anselm,” you tut, briefly forgetting the tense atmosphere, you walk around the easel and towards him, your hand outreached to fix his hair before you catch yourself. You stop, pausing right in front of him.

He looks up at you with soft eyes. “I apologise, my love. I did not mean to disrupt your work with my bad mood.” 

“It’s alright,” you smile slightly, “We all get annoyed.” 

“I’m sure you are rapturous in anger, all dragon fire and destruction.” 

You snort. “I am not.” 

He smiles and leans forward, pressing his head towards your hand. “I am sorry I disturbed my hair.” 

“It’s fine,” you lightly run your fingers through his curls, careful not to catch or pull as you move it back into its previous style. You motion for him to sit back so that you can position the last few rogue strands. You touch his hair for a little longer than absolutely necessary, swallowing as you press your fingers deeper. 

Anselm breathes in deeply, closing his eyes for a second and presses closer to your touch. 

“Is your nephew getting engaged or something, does Adela want me to paint a portrait of him too? Is that why I’m invited?” You ask innocently as you finally adjust his hair to your liking. You drop your hand to your side, a little disappointed that you no longer have a reason to touch him.

He opens his eyes slowly, staring up at you with a small frown. “My sweet, are you being serious, or pulling my leg? Because if it is the latter, I must say it is poor form considering my injury.” He motions a little dramatically to his brace.

“What?” You shrug a little, trying to work out what the hell he’s on about.

A small smile pulls at his lips when he realises you are being sincere. “My dear Adela wants to set you up with David, tomorrow is a formal introduction of sorts.” 

You pause, a little dumbfounded and Anselm chuckles. 

“My, the look on your face, you do not seem pleased.” He, however, is the happiest you have seen him all morning. 

“Here,” Anselm stands, “I’ll get my assistant to bring you a photo of David,” the tease in his voice is undeniable. “So that you may gaze about the face of your future beloved.” 

You finally find your voice. “Anselm.” You scold.

He grins wickedly, turning to face you fully. “I do love it when you use that tone with me, my sweet. Admonishing me does suit you.” He steps a fraction closer, raising his hand to lightly brush your cheek with the tips of his fingers. “I would happily die a thousand deaths to be under your thumb.” 

You swallow. “I don’t want you to die a thousand deaths… or be under my thumb.” You say softly, trying to say that you want him safe and alive and of his own strange but endearing free will.

But Anselm’s expression falls and he lowers his hand, mistaking your words for rejection. “I apologise again-”

Panic grips your chest and you blurt out the first thing that comes into your head. “But you can be under me if you want… as in…” Heat rolls over your face and you screw up your eyes. 

He laughs happily, stepping closer again so that you are chest to chest. He lightly traces your bottom lip with his thumb. “May I kiss you, my love?” 

With a giddy rush of energy, you lean forward and press your mouth to his in a soft, sweet kiss. Anselm moans happily, wrapping one arm around you. When you break the kiss he leans his forehead against yours. 

“Please forgive my foul mood earlier, I was… distressed.” 

“Why?” You tease, a sugar rush of happiness overtaking you. 

“Because I thought you were going to spend the rest of your days riding my nephew instead of me.” 

You snort, unable to stop yourself, and quickly cover your mouth with your hand. 

“Oh no, please, let me hear you laugh.” He gently takes your wrist and litters your cheeks with kisses, until you’re giggling uncontrollably. 

“Well, I’ll have to let Adela know there’s no need for me to go tomorrow.” 

Anselm tuts and raises an eyebrow, “I don’t think so, my love, I think it will be much more exciting to turn up on my arm and then proceed to make out messily on every available surface.” 

Thank you for reading!

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[vindicated-truth]

Jeongje,

I assume Joowon-ah has given you this letter during one of his visits. Said something about including it in the gift he has prepared for you.

You know he now only has a Lieutenant’s salary, right? He lost access to all of his family’s money, because he didn’t listen to me when I warned him that he shouldn’t ruin his life for me.

He’s an idiot.

But he’s an adult with freewill, and it’s still his money, so of course I have no say on what he chooses to spend it on.

Besides, I don’t begrudge him choosing to spend it on you. Contrary to what you might think, I don’t want you to be alone.

I never wanted that for you, Jeongje.

That’s why I’m glad Joowon-ah is making sure you aren’t. Because… I can’t be that person for you.

Not anymore.

It’s why I’m writing you this letter. Because I want you to know why.

Because I’m sorry, Jeongje. I’m sorry because… I can’t forgive you.

And it’s not because I’ve stopped caring for you. In fact, it wouldn’t hurt this much if I did.

I really wish I did.

But the reason why I can’t forgive you is that the forgiveness isn’t mine to give.

The one person who has the right to forgive you is dead.

Because you killed her.

And I’m not saying this because I want to punish you, either. Because contrary to what you might think, I don’t want you to suffer anymore.

You’ve suffered enough. And I know that because I’ve seen that in Joowon-ah, too.

No one deserves to suffer, Jeongje. Not you. Not him.

But the forgiveness isn’t mine to give. It’s Yuyeonie’s.

I’m hurting because I lost a sister. My parents are hurting because they lost their daughter.

And I know you’re hurting too. Because you, too, lost the one you love.

I’ve always known, you know. Both of you had never been good at hiding it. It hurt that you two believed you had to, but—you made her happy, Jeongje. Yuyeonie had never been able to hide that. And to be honest, neither did you. And I can never, ever begrudge how you made each other happy.

Which is why I know… you’re hurting, too.

It’s the one thing you and I have in common, even after all this time.

You and I… we both lost her.

But all our pain, Jeongje… it’s all secondary. None of our pain compares to what she lost.

She lost her life.

She lost a future that should have been hers. You know she wanted to be a lawyer, right? But do you know the kind of lawyer she wanted to be?

She had a very clear vision of the life she wanted for herself. She’d sit at the foot of my bed while I’d practice on my worn-out guitar and she’d regale me tales of how she wanted to be a lawyer who defended women.

Her ideals were way ahead of her time. She said our society was too patriarchal, that it was a society where women didn’t feel safe, and she wanted to change that.

She wanted to be a lawyer so she could be a safe space for all these women who were victims of the cruelty and violence of men. She wanted to be the kind of woman she herself needed.

She would’ve been the kind of woman who could’ve stopped women like her from being killed by men.

Which is why it was such a cruel twist of fate that her life ended precisely like that.

I always wonder, Jeongje… how many women would’ve also been saved had she grown up to be the kind of woman she wanted to be? A woman who protected women?

Would she have been able to protect our Minjeongie too?

Did you know that she had always been wary of Kang Jinmook? She didn’t dare say it directly because I think she might have been scared back then, too. But she would always tell me, casually but consistently, how it might be better for Minjeongie if we adopt her as soon as it was legally possible.

Do you know what I told her back then, Jeongje? That she was being ableist. That she was looking down on Jinmook’s capability as a father just because he was mentally disabled.

Turned out he wasn’t. He was just evil.

And she was right.

Even back then, Jeongje, she was right. And I didn’t listen to her. Her own twin brother didn’t listen to her.

How unforgivable is that?

Can you imagine what our society would’ve been like if someone with her brains and her advocacy had lived to see her dream come true? Can you imagine, Jeongje, how different things would’ve been if only our society listened to women more? If only we listened to our Yuyeonie more?

She could’ve saved so many women, Jeongje. And now—

Now, we’ll never know. Because she’s dead.

We all lost a sister, a daughter, a friend, a lover. None of that compares to what she lost.

She lost her life. She lost her dream. She lost her advocacy. She lost her future.

And that’s the reason why, Jeongje. Why the forgiveness should come from her.

It had never, ever been my right to give.

It’s why I can’t forgive you. Because the one person who has the right to gift you that forgiveness—is dead.

And I’m sorry, Jeongje. I’m sorry because that’s the reason why… I can’t let you back into my life.

Not anymore.

Because I love her, Jeongje. I love her more than anything in the world, more than anyone I’ll ever love in my life.

She’s my twin, Jeongje. I had never known what it’s like to be alone because from the moment we were conceived in our mother’s womb, she had always been there. She had always been beside me. She was the other half of my soul.

Do you know what it feels like to lose the other half your soul?

Then again, maybe you do.

You love her, too.

I don’t know if she would have forgiven you. Fuck, I don’t know if she would have forgiven me. But that’s our punishment, Jeongje. That’s the pain we all have to live with: that we will never know. Because none of us have the right to take that away from her.

The right to forgive.

Because contrary to what you might think—I don’t want to lose you as a friend.

I miss you, more than you could ever know. More than you could ever hope to understand.

But it’s a loss I have to live with. It’s a loss I choose to live with. Because she’s the only one who could have granted you that forgiveness. And we all have to live with never knowing if she ever will.

I can’t let you back into my life, Jeongje—because I don’t know if Yuyeonie would’ve forgiven you for me to let you.

For me to have you back.

I am not the one who has the right to forgive you, so I am also not the one who has the right to punish you.

So please, Jeongje. Don’t suffer anymore. Not for my sake.

Don’t be alone anymore.

Both of you.

Your friend,

Dongsik

—

Dongsik-ah,

Did you know what Lieutenant Han was going to give me? Because you should’ve talked him out of it still, never mind that it’s his money he’s spending. I’m not going to risk your ire by telling you how much he spent, because I actually know how much all of it cost, but I really hope you’re at least treating him to dinner for a month because I can’t imagine how he’d be able to afford to feed himself after this.

Or maybe just let Jaeyi-ya treat him. I’ve heard he’s been frequenting the butcher shop more often lately.

I’m glad. He deserves to be fed.

He deserves to be happy.

He’s a good guy, Dongsik-ah. You know that, right?

You might be wondering why this prince who has fallen from grace keeps going out on a limb for someone like me.

I’ll tell you why, Dongsik-ah. It’s because he’s lonely.

In the kindest way I can tell you this, I don’t think you’ll ever understand Lieutenant Han. And it’s not because he was brought up in a life of luxury and privilege that the rest of us can only imagine.

But because you were loved, Dongsik-ah.

You and Yuyeonie—both of you were brought up in love.

I think that’s part of why I stayed over at your house a lot, even when we were kids. I was drawn to your family, because I badly wished I had a family like yours. You can’t imagine the kind of envy I felt seeing how your parents are.

You had that ridiculous dream of becoming a singer, even though Jihwa-ya kept telling you to your face that you couldn’t hold a tune to save a life. Yet your parents supported your dream all the same, and had never once compared you to Yuyeonie.

You know, I’ve always had the sneaking suspicion she was tone-deaf too, mostly because I couldn’t understand why she’d keep clapping for you every time you'd “perform” for us during family nights.

I’d been a part of your family for that long.

I never had any of that. And I think—that’s why Lieutenant Han is drawn to me.

Because he never experienced that kind of love, either. And he knows what it’s like to be alone.

That’s why he’s making sure I’m not. Even when I deserve to be.

Because he knows exactly what it’s like.

And I don’t think it’s as selfless as you think, Dongsik-ah. I think—he just wants someone to understand what he’s been through, too.

Because you’ll never be that person for him.

Because you were never abused by your parents, Dongsik-ah, the way Lieutenant Han was. And he’s drawn to me, because I’m someone who understands that the most.

Between the both of us though, I honestly believe I still had it better. And this isn’t false modesty or debt of gratitude or anything like that. My mother was evil, too, but in her own way, she did love me.

At the very least, until the very end, she had never abandoned me.

Even when it meant she had to hurt you instead.

That’s something Lieutenant Han never even had.

He never had a family.

And that’s the reason why I’m writing you this letter, in return.

Because you’re right, Dongsik-ah. I don’t belong in your life anymore.

I belong to the past. And I deserve to stay there.

Do you know why, Dongsik-ah?

Because that’s where Yuyeonie is.

You’re right. I don’t know if she would ever forgive me. But that’s okay. I’m not doing this for my forgiveness.

Because you’re right, Dongsik-ah. I did love her. I love her, still, even when she might not want that love anymore, after everything I did.

After everything I failed to do.

But that’s also why, Dongsik-ah. Why I want to stay in the past. Why I choose to stay in the past. Because that’s where she is. That’s how I choose to live the rest of my life.

Immortalizing her memory.

That’s why I gave you that sketchbook. To the best of my ability, Dongsik-ah, until my last breath—this is how I choose to love her.

I will never let her memory die.

This is how I choose to live the rest of my life in penance.

The people who have hurt you, the people who hurt Yuyeonie and your family—we all belong to the past. That’s why we all belong in prison, because it’s keeping us there.

But you, Dongsik-ah—you don’t belong to the past. Not anymore. There’s no more reason for you to stay there.

Because you have a future with him.

And that’s where the problem lies, you see. It’s precisely because he equates himself with me that he thinks he deserves to stay in the past, too.

He was never there, Dongsik-ah. Because his own monster of a father sent him far, far away, where he was forced to look for love in all the wrong places, when he should have already found it first in his own home. His own family.

You and Yuyeonie showed me that.

I don’t think he did. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone so utterly deprived of it. Starved of it.

Until he found you.

You told me, Dongsik-ah, how you will never love anyone the way you loved Yuyeonie, ever again. And you asked me if I know how it feels like to lose the other half of your soul.

I do, Dongsik-ah. But I don’t think that’s the point.

We weren’t supposed to replace her.

We’re simply allowed to love again.

I’m allowed to have a friend again. One who chooses to starve for a month because he doesn’t know how to love halfway and he always gives it his all in everything he does.

I agree with you, by the way. He is an idiot.

But you know what, Dongsik-ah?

I’ve come to love this idiot, too.

And if I’m allowed to have a friend again… you’re allowed to rebuild the other half of your soul again.

You’re allowed to not let yourself be alone anymore.

You’re allowed to love again.

Dongsik-ah… Han Joowon is like me. But at the same time, he isn’t.

Because he belongs to your future. If you let him.

And this is why I'm writing you this letter, too.

Please don't let my friend starve anymore.

Your friend,

Han Joowon’s friend,

Jeongje

[fandom-imagines-stories]

I Know You Didn't Sign On For This

Season Three Episode Five (Midseason finale)

Dr. Spencer Reid x Reader (Aaron Hotchner’s Sister)

Words: 5342

Series Masterlist

Summary: A killer returns in his efforts to torment Aaron. Forced to stay behind, the reader must grapple with the possibility of loss. 

Notes: To be fair… I did warn you. When I began this series, I realized that I’d have to do this episode because of the time frame I laid out and man, did it hurt to finally get here. This is a doozy, but I hope you guys like it. I actually had a really good time writing it (is that bad haha?) Also, I decided to split up this season so that I could work on part two while part one was posting. I’m hoping to have part two done by January. (fingers crossed) Thank you guys for all the love! 

-

After

You couldn’t look her in the eye, not without wanting to tear her apart. She pressed record. 

“Let’s start with why you were unofficially brought in to accompany the team in their pursuit of a dangerous fugitive.” 

“Don’t.” 

Strauss clasped her hands in front of her on the table. “Don’t what, Miss Y/L/N?”

“Don’t talk to me like I’m just another civilian.” 

“You are not a federal agent and you did not have the clearance nor the authority to be on that search.” 

“The only safe place for me was with the team and you know it.” You wanted to scream, wanted to throw something, wanted to slap that high and mighty expression off of the section chief’s face. 

“We would have put you in protective custody,” Strauss reasoned. 

“And look how well that turned out,” you snapped back. 

She leaned back in her chair. 

You leaned forward. “And don’t you dare try to pin some protocol bull against Agent Hotchner because he told me exactly what you just did. But in the end, we both knew the only place Foyet couldn’t get me was with the BAU team.”

“With your fiance.” She watched you, analyzing every word, every tick. 

“I was stationed with Dr. Reid, yes.” You crossed your arms. “Since he had to stay out of the field due to his leg injury, he primarily remained at Kassmyer’s house where several officers were working the crime scene. I figured it was the best place for me to stay out of the way and to stay with the most people with guns in case Foyet changed his route.”

“But you didn’t expect him to do that,” she said, “did you?”

“No.” You swallowed, your hard exterior faltering for a moment. “I didn’t.”  

Strauss glanced down at the paper in front of her. “Can you describe your interactions with S.S.A Hotchner on the day of the incident?” 

You scoffed, smiling bitterly as you stood. “We’re done here.” 

“Miss Y/L/N, sit down.”

“As you so graciously pointed out, Agent Strauss-” You growled, gripping the edge of the table. “I am not one of your agents. So we’re done here.” 

She opened her mouth to argue. 

You grabbed the door handle. 

“If you have any more questions, you can call my damn lawyer.” You walked out of the room, slamming the door so hard you thought the glass would break. 

-

Before

You knew before the agents ran by your door that something was going on. Aaron had been more alert than usual, more insistent that you don’t stray too far from the BAU or your apartment. Spencer had been more attentive, making sure that you were sleeping alright and that you didn’t go anywhere alone. 

But it was when Emily checked in on you that you knew something was going on. 

“What happened?” You asked. 

“I wish I could tell you, Y/N, but we don’t know enough,” she said, hurrying away again. 

With each agent that went by, you started to put the pieces together. 

They found him. 

-

“Stay here.” 

“You’re kidding, right?” 

Aaron’s eyes blazed in a way that almost scared you. Almost. 

“I can’t sit in the office and wait for you guys to find him.” You crossed your arms, looking to Spencer for some help. 

“Y/N, the safest place for you-” Spence started. 

“Is with all of you.” You ran your fingers through your hair, not even realizing how much you were shaking. “Look, I have almost died in my own home, I’ve been attacked in my brother’s apartment, and I have been taken from a police station,” you snapped. “I am going with you.” 

“Anderson,” Aaron said. 

The agent came running. 

Hotch gave you a hard stare. “Make sure she doesn’t go anywhere.” 

“You can’t be serious,” you snapped, taking a step to leave. 

Anderson stepped in your way. 

Aaron sighed. “Just… stay safe. I’ll have Garcia update you when she can.” 

“Aaron, please.” You tried again, but Anderson just gave you an apologetic look and stayed in place. “You can’t leave me here.”

He didn’t say anything else. Your brother turned and left, shoulders tense and fists clenched at his sides. 

Spencer gave you a small, awkward smile. “It’s safest for you to stay here. I don’t want to think what he would-” He shuddered. 

“Spencer, please let me come with you,” you pleaded, taking his hand. “Aaron can’t do this alone.”

“He won’t be alone.” Spence brought your hand to his lips. “We’re going to get Foyet, Y/N.”

“Not if he gets you first,” you muttered, blinking back angry, terrified tears. 

He pressed a kiss to your forehead, whispering against your skin. “I love you.”

“Spence-”

“I’ll call you if I can.” 

Spencer hurried out before you could inevitably change his mind. Hotch was right. Protocols and everything aside, you would only be in more danger going after Foyet. Still, leaving that room made his heart hurt. 

You gritted your teeth to keep from screaming in frustration and fell back into Aaron’s chair. 

“We haven’t officially met.” Anderson cleared his throat and awkwardly stuck out his hand. 

You simply glared in return. 

-

Reid hated it. He hated leaving you behind, leaving you in the dark. The fear in your voice echoed through his head and made his chest feel tight. He’d left you just like he’d left you at the police station. You were right. Nowhere was safe. And he’d left you. 

“Reid,” Morgan’s voice pulled him out of his thoughts. 

They were on the way to Arlington to find ‘Peter Rhea.’ Or, as Reid had figured out- The Reaper. Reid sat in the car, his knee bouncing anxiously while he stared out of the window. 

“Sorry, what were you saying?”

Morgan looked at him through the rearview, Rossi in the passenger seat beside him. 

“Anderson’s sticking with Y/N at the BAU, right?”

“Yeah.”

“So she’s safe, kid,” he reassured him, turning into the parking lot of the building they were meeting at. 

“That’s what we said at Fairfax,” he muttered, using his crutch to help him out of the car. 

While they were getting set up, waiting to move in, you were pacing your office, watching for your guard dog outside. Anderson had been in and out all day, running to find information and to make calls that would help with the case. If you just waited for the right moment…

It felt like every inch of you was screaming. Like your barely healing scars were ready to burst open and bleed life right out of you. You wrapped your arms around yourself as if you could hold it all in. 

Spencer stood amongst the SWAT team and his team and wished he could do something. Even without his leg injury, his brain wasn’t any help. He could predict where Foyet would be, but that didn’t matter if they didn’t get there in time. 

Images from countless nightmares came flooding back to him. Pictures of Foyet’s knife piercing your stomach, slicing across your skin, his sick smile slick with your blood as you tried to speak through it. You, in the hospital bed, flatlining. The patchwork of your body after the doctors did the best they could to stitch you up.

What if he went after you again? 

You gulped down a glass of water with a shaking hand, a part of you still wishing it was something stronger. Anderson had gotten called away, something about Foyet not being at the apartment. 

Your phone rang. 

“Sam?” You answered. 

Why would the Marshall be calling you?

“Sam, what’s happened?”

“That’s cute. Was he going to be your handler too if you hadn’t been so stubborn?” 

Your stomach dropped. 

“Foyet.” 

“Hello, darling.” George Foyet grinned into the receiver. “You know, I’ve always regretted that we didn’t have more time together.” 

“Come get me and we will,” you snapped, already gathering your things. 

There was only one reason he’d have Sam Kassmeyer’s phone. 

“Ooo, so feisty. So fun. And yet so… been there, done that.” You heard an engine start. “I just wanted to give you a heads-up about the agenda for today. It’s so unfair that they’re making you miss out on all the fun.” 

“If you tell me where you’re going, I can join you.” You picked up your keys. “We’ll all have a great time.” 

Foyet clicked his tongue in scolding. “Now, Y/N, that would be cheating.” Wherever he was, he was pulling away from the sound of his car. Even if you got there in time, he’d be long gone. Just another chase. “Tell Aaron I send my love.” 

He hung up.

You tried to call Aaron, but he didn’t answer. He was either too busy or too pissed off at you to pick up. You didn’t have time to try and reach them through Garcia. If Foyet had been to Kassmeyers, then the agent was either dead or dying. 

“Goddamnit,” you exclaimed, almost throwing your phone across the room. Instead, you took a deep breath, pulled yourself together, and opened your door. Anderson was busy with a call, giving you the perfect opportunity to slip out. 

Foyet was going after Hailey and Jack, and he’d just found the perfect way to get to them.

You just hoped Aaron reached them first. 

-

Spencer spotted you first. With Hotch still with the US Marshall who was bleeding out on the floor, everyone could only stand by and watch. He’d just glanced out of the window when he saw you running up the sidewalk, your panicked face lit up by the blue and red lights of the approaching ambulance. 

“Uh, Hotch,” he said. 

Morgan and Prentiss both turned. 

“Oh, you have got to be kidding me,” Morgan said. 

“How did she know to come here?” Prentiss asked. 

Spencer opened the door, frowning. “Y/N, what are you-”

“Is Kessmeyer okay?” You asked through heavy breaths. “I got a call from Foyet from his phone, so I knew that he would be-” You pushed inside and saw the blood. “Oh god.”

The wall of agents kept you from getting too close. Spence put a hand on your arm. 

“You can’t be here.” 

“Did you say you got a call from Foyet?” Prentiss exclaimed. 

“What the hell is she doing here?” Aaron asked, not getting up from Sam’s side. 

You ignored him, nodding at Emily. “He called me from Sam’s phone. I have it in case I needed to-” You took a deep breath and looked away from the blood. “He wanted me to know what he was doing. He wanted to taunt me because he knew I was stuck at the BAU. I came here because I was worried Marshall Kessmeyer might be hurt.” 

The paramedics moved you all out of the way. 

“Gunshot wounds to each leg, one foot, he’s missing several fingers and appears to be badly beaten,” Reid told them without blinking. 

“Christ.” You ran a hand down your face, trying to see over the couch where the Marshall lay. 

The paramedics moved in. Aaron stood to let them work, Kassmeyer still trying to tell him something. He turned his burning gaze to you.

“I told you to stay.”

“And I tried to call you,” you fired back. “Foyet called me. He wanted me to know he knew where I was. He wanted me to know where he was going.” 

“You can’t be here,” he snapped, his cool fury more terrifying than any shout. “This is an active pursuit of a dangerous criminal. You cannot be here.”

Other officers were showing up, ready to treat the house as a crime scene. 

The paramedics wheeled Sam out. He tried to talk to Aaron through the blood in his mouth. 

Hotch clenched his jaw and took a breath. 

“Reid, stay here with Y/N. Make sure she does not try to follow us,” he ordered. He pointed at you as he went to follow Sam. “We will talk about this later.”

“Come back alive and you can yell at me all you want, Aaron.” 

He gave you a final glance and the anger in his gaze flickered soft for a moment, revealing the relief of seeing that you were alright. Aaron hurried out. 

You looked around at the group of agents, crossing your arms as a sudden chill ran over you. 

“He found them,” you said. “He found them and now-” You put a hand over your mouth to keep the cries back. 

Spencer pulled you into his arms without hesitating. You were tense against him, shaking from the effort of trying to hold yourself together. He rubbed your back in the way that always helped you calm down. 

“We’re going to find them first,” he whispered. 

Reid looked over your shoulder at the team. 

A darkness hung over all of them and no one looked at you. 

“I want him gone,” you said against his shoulder. 

“I know.”

“What if he’s already there? What if Hayley and Jack are already-”

“We have to assume they’re alive.” JJ stepped towards you. “Like any case.”

“But this is any case.” You moved away from all of them, closer to the door. “This is The Reaper. This is Foyet. The man who attacked the strongest person I know in his own apartment. The one who almost killed me. Nothing about this is like any case.” Your voice bordered on hysterical. 

JJ frowned. “I just meant that-”

“I can’t just stay here and wait for something to happen.” You reached for the doorknob. 

Spencer grabbed your hand. 

Logic returned to your system. 

His eyes pleaded with yours. “Stay with me.” 

You closed your eyes, took a breath, and let him pull you back to his side. 

“I’ll call the U.S. Marshalls, see what they can tell us,” JJ said. She stepped away to make the call, but the others just stood there, each of them trying to wrap their heads around what the hell was going on. 

Dave, who had been talking to one of the paramedics before Aaron left, put a hand on your shoulder. 

“We’ll find them, kid.”

You could only hope that he was right.

-

When Hotch called, he didn’t mention you. He needed to forget that you were there, to push him to the back of his mind so he wouldn’t turn around and handcuff you to his side so you could never be in harm's way again. Then again, it was with him that you’d been hurt so many times before. 

He hung up with the team and dialed a different number. 

Emily sighed, listening to Penelope. From the tech’s side of the call, there was a series of beeps. 

“What’s that?”

Somehow, you already knew. 

Penelope’s tone changed, flat with shock. “Hotch is calling Foyet.” 

You held Spencer’s hand tighter. 

“Damnit, Aaron.” 

The phone rang and you all listened. 

Foyet answered. “Agent Hotchner.” 

“If you touch her-” Aaron started, the fury and fear evident in his usually controlled tone. 

“Be gentle?” Foyet mocked. “Like I was with you?” He chuckled, the sound sending shivers up your spine. “Or your sister? Y/N seems well, by the way. Even though you’ve got her locked up in that ivory tower of yours. Such a pretty thing. A little old for me, but-” he clicked his tongue. “It’s a shame I didn’t get to pay her a visit one more time.” 

You tried not to show it, but it felt like your whole body had started to shake. Every word he said was like the knife slicing into you all over again. 

“What the hell took you so long?” Foyet asked. “I was beginning to think this phone was dead or something.” 

Aaron remained silent. 

Foyet noticed. “Why so quiet? You usually lash out when you’re frustrated.”

“Bastard,” you muttered, trying to keep your breathing steady. 

Spencer held you a little closer. 

“I’m not frustrated,” Hotch finally responded. “You’re more predictable than you think.” 

“Am I?”

“You didn’t know where Haley was so you made her come to you.” 

“You make me sound lazy.” 

“Just another way for you to show control.” 

What are you doing, Aaron? You wondered. You watched the reactions of everyone on the team, but they were all listening as intently as you were. 

“Oh that’s terrible,” Foyet said, his voice jeering. 

“Your mother tried to protect you from your father, but she wasn’t strong enough.”

“You make me sound like you’re sister,” Foyet snapped. It was barely perceptible, but you could hear the slight edge of frustration rising in him. “Or maybe just you.”

Aaron ignored him. “You hated her for that, didn’t you? You decided all women were weak.” 

“Those are your words, not mine.” 

Their words melded together in your mind as a different scene took over your thoughts. 

“She’s so pretty, Aaron. You didn’t tell me your sister was pretty,” Foyet said as he drove the knife into your side.

“Aaron…” You were losing consciousness from the hit you’d taken to the head, but you could take in every ounce of pain. 

Your brother laid across from you, his blood pooling on the carpet around him. If you could get The Reaper to focus on you, maybe Aaron would make it. 

“Is that…” You struggled to speak. “All you’ve got?”

“You know what I’ve been thinking?” The voice on the phone brought you back. “Haley looks pretty good with dark hair. She’s lost some weight. Must be all the stress you’ve caused her.” 

“Oh god,” you mouthed, bringing your hand up to keep from making a sound. Spencer held you close, but even he was still with shock and fear. 

“Where’s the little man?” Foyet wondered. “Oh, there he is. Does he like Captain America because of you?” 

A different phone began to ring. 

“That’s your wife,” Foyet said. “Hold please.” He answered the other line. “Mrs. Hotchner.”

“I’m here.”

“Open the gate and I’ll drive in.” 

“Okay.” 

Just the sound of her voice made you want to scream, to warn her. 

Aaron would make it in time. He had to. 

But you didn’t even know where they were. 

“Aaron,” Foyet spoke on the other phone again. “I really got to go.” 

The line went dead. 

Gate. Somewhere with a gate. 

You went rigid in Spencer’s arms, your eyes darting back and forth like you were reading something in front of you. 

“The gate.” 

Emily turned to you. “What?” 

“One time, in high school, I had to jump over the gate to sneak back in after going to some concert Aaron didn’t want me to go to. He said it was too exposed, too many drunk adults. I could get hurt. I, of course, didn’t care, and got beer spilled all over me. Haley caught me and smelled the beer. She said it would be our secret.”

“Y/N, what are you talking about?” Derek asked. 

“The house. Foyet took them to the house, to Aaron and Haley’s house.” 

Morgan nodded. “He has to be in control. He wants to take over Hotch’s home.” 

The place that had once been your home would now be a warzone. 

“We have to go,” you said. 

Dave shook his head. “The best thing you can do for your brother is to stay safe and stay away.” 

“But-”

“Reid?”

“I’ll stay with her.” Spence kept his grip on your hand as the other members of the team rushed out of the house. 

You could have fought. You could have kicked and screamed and forced Spencer to let you go. But you had no weapon, no bulletproof vest, and no clue as to what you would do when you got there. If anything, you’d make it all worse. 

It was up to them now. 

Garcia called. 

“Where’s Y/N? Anderson said she left and I can’t find her anywhere in the BAU and-” Her shrill voice sent a pang of guilt through your chest. 

“I’m here, Penelope. I’m with Spencer. The others are going after Aaron.” 

“Oh thank god,” she sighed. “When I find you, I’m going to give you such a big hug and then I’m going to yell at you for scaring me.” 

“Keep us on with everyone,” Spence said. Something he’d later regret. 

Penelope paused. “Foyet’s calling Hotch.” 

Derek spoke from a different line, driving. “Garcia, can you get us on?” 

Aaron answered. “Foyet?”

But it wasn’t Foyet that spoke. 

“Aaron?” 

It was Haley. 

-

After

He sat across from you, hands clasped in his lap, waiting quietly for you to say something. 

Dr. Lance Sweets looked at the journal you’d placed on the table. He glanced back up at you. 

“Did you write about it?” He asked softly. 

You shook your head. 

Waiting for your permission, he picked up the journal to look at the last entry. 

“Why did you decide to bring it with you today, Y/N?” 

You met his eyes but he could tell you weren’t really looking at him. 

“I was hoping you could tell me how,” you said. 

“How what?”

“How I’m supposed to write about it?” You tried to keep your voice even, but every word felt broken. “How I’m supposed to wrap it all up in a neat little summary so I can get on with feeling better.”

“No one expects-”

“I know what everyone expects,” you snapped. “They expect me to grieve and to hurt and to fall apart. But I can’t do that. I can’t be the weak one anymore. Aaron needs me more than ever now so I need you to tell me how I’m supposed to get over listening to the person I called my sister die over the goddamn phone. Can you just help me do that?”

You didn’t realize you were shouting until you were forced to catch your breath. 

Dr. Sweets waited and set the journal Spencer gave you back on the table. 

“Sorry,” you whispered. 

“It’s okay.”

“No. It isn’t.” 

He took a breath, nodding. “You’re right. It isn’t.”

“I should have died,” you said suddenly. “Did I tell you that? The doctors said it was a miracle I survived, let alone without any major permanent damage.” You laid a hand where you knew the scar was. “Other than needing a new kidney.” 

“What makes you say you should have died?” Lance leaned forward. 

“Maybe if I had, he would have been satisfied, you know?” A tear slipped down your cheek. You didn’t stop it. “Maybe Foyet wouldn’t have kept going. Maybe-” You inhaled sharply. “But instead I-” I chose to come back. 

“George Foyet was a serial killer who wanted to hurt Agent Hotchner in any way he could,” Lance said. “He was never going to stop.”

“I know.” 

“There is nothing you could have done to stop him, Y/N.”

“I know.” Your voice cracked. 

Lance gave you a caring, supportive nod and leaned back again. 

“Then let’s start over, huh?”

You nodded, brought your knees to your chest, and broke down. 

-

Before

Everything stopped. If she had the phone that meant…

Spencer, realizing, reached to hang up. He stopped when you shot him a look that said ‘Don’t you dare.’

“You’re okay?” Haley sounded surprised and relieved. 

Aaron took a second to answer, his voice straining. “I’m fine.”

“But, he said that-” She stopped herself. The fear set in. “Oh, Aaron.” 

“He can hear us, right?” 

“Yes.” Her breathing shook. “I am so sorry.”

“Haley, show him no weakness, no fear.” 

“I know.” Haley calmed herself enough to keep it together. “Sam told me all about him.” She put together another piece. “Is he, um-”

“No, Sam is fine.” Aaron kept his hand on the wheel even as everything spun out of control. His heart pounded in his chest and it took every ounce of strength he had to keep his tone steady. 

“Aaron, Aaron, Aaron,” Foyet scolded. “Is that why your marriage broke up, because you’re a liar.” 

“Don’t listen to him, Haley.” 

“I have Sam’s service phone right here.” 

You stared at the large blood stain on the carpet, unable to move. 

Foyet continued. “They sent out a mass text about his death. You can take a look if you want.”

You turned to Spencer. 

He cast his gaze to the ground and nodded. 

“He’s trying to scare you.” It was getting harder for Aaron to keep the desperation out of his voice. 

“Did you even tell her what this was about?” 

No. Aaron thought. Please no. 

“About the deal?” 

“He’s just trying to make you angry.” Aaron checked the street he was on. He wasn’t close enough. If he could just be faster…

“Well, she should be. She’s gonna…” Foyet paused. You could hear Jack playing in the background. “D-I-E because of your inflated ego.” 

You shook your head, muttering. “Don’t listen to him, Haley. Don’t.” 

“Ignore him, Haley,” Aaron said.

“I’m sure you don’t want her to know this part, either. You know, all he had to do was stop looking for me and you wouldn’t be in this mess?” Foyet mocked.

“Don’t react.” Aaron blinked back tears, feeling like his foot would break the gas pedal. 

“What is he talking about?” Haley asked. 

There was a long, painful silence. 

You gripped the back of the sofa like your life depended on it, numb tears making their way down your face. 

Spencer didn’t know what to do. With all of his training and knowledge and studies, he didn’t know what to do. 

“Tell Jack I need him working the case,” Aaron finally said. 

“What?” 

“Tell Jack I need him working the case.”

You wracked your brain trying to understand what he meant, but you understood one thing. He knew how this was going to end.

Haley cleared her throat and forced a smile into her voice. “Jack, did you hear that?” 

The phone switched hands and the next voice made Aaron’s chest ache even more. 

“Hi, Daddy.”

Aaron’s voice finally cracked. “Hi, buddy.”

You punched the back of the couch and pushed away from it, starting to pace. If he touches that little boy…

“Is George a bad guy?” Jack asked, so sweet and innocent it made your tears fall harder. 

“Yes, he is.” Aaron composed himself. “Jack, I need you on this case with me. Do you understand? I need you to work the case with me.” He could only hope he would understand. That he would remember. 

“Okay, daddy.”

“Jack, hug your mom for me.” 

You finally put it together and froze. 

He knew how this was going to end. 

Spencer took a step toward you, but you stayed back, both of you listening to the silence of a son’s unknowing goodbye. 

“Mommy hug me too tight.” 

“I’m sorry.” You didn’t know how Haley was doing it. Maybe this is what it really meant to be a mother. 

“Why are you sad?” Jack asked. 

“Oh, I just love you so much.” 

“He has to make it in time,” you said, barely loud enough for Spencer to hear. “He has to get there. He-”

“Mommy, I gotta go. I’m working the case.”

Haley let go again. “Okay.” 

Small footsteps signaled Jack’s escape. 

“He’s so cute,” Foyet’s voice returned. “He’s like a little junior G-man. I’ll be right up, Jackie boy!” 

“You stay away from him,” you growled, though you knew he couldn’t hear you. 

Aaron could barely hold the steering wheel steady, he gripped it so tight. “Is he gone?” 

“Yes.” Haley fought her tears.

“You’re so strong, Haley,” Aaron said. “Stronger than I ever was.” 

You thought of every movie night she would put on to make you feel better, every nightmare she’d woken you up from. You thought of how she stood up to the press during your mother’s trial and wouldn’t let anyone near you. How she’d protected you like you were her own. 

Aaron remembered when she had Jack, how she held herself together even when he was a mess. He thought of her smile and her eyes and her voice, even as it shook now. 

“You’ll hurry, right?”

Aaron took a sharp breath, hiding his cries. “I know you didn’t sign on for this.” A tear finally escaped down his face. 

“Neither did you,” she said, resolved. 

“I’m sorry for everything.” He hated himself for saying it, as though it could fix anything. As if it could stop what was going to happen. 

Haley breathed in deeply and let it out, wondering if it would be her last. 

“Promise me you will tell him how we met,” she said. “And how you used to make me laugh.”

The tears flowed freely down his face now, but still, he drove. “Haley…”

“He needs to know that you weren’t always so serious, Aaron.”

You thought of the pictures she showed you every year for their anniversary. Pirates of Penzance. He looked so happy. 

“I want him to believe in love because it is the most important thing.” Her voice shook with the strain of keeping together. “But you need to show him.” 

Aaron could hardly muster a whisper now. “I promise.” 

More silence. 

Then…

One

Haley walking down the aisle, the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen in his life. 

Two

Her beaming face as you walked across the stage at your graduation. 

Three

Haley’s exhausted, but utterly happy smile as she held Jack in her arms, looking up at Aaron with joy and so much love. 

The line went dead. 

Aaron threw the phone onto the dashboard, hoping it would break. 

And she was gone. 

You ran outside, but only made it to the lawn before you fell to your knees and were sick through your sobs. 

Spencer followed as fast as he could, kneeling down to hold you up.

“She can’t be- maybe she’s- please, she can't be-” You gulped through your words, unable to get enough words to say them. 

“Y/N,” Spence started, but he had nothing he could say. 

You stood on trembling legs and started for your car. “We have to go.”

“Y/N, we can’t.”

“You don’t understand.” You whirled around, your red eyes wild and desperate. “He’s going to kill him.”

And you weren’t sure who you meant.

-

After

Spencer had barely stopped the car before you were hurtling out of it, sprinting toward the surrounded house. 

“Y/N!” He called after you, but you didn’t listen. 

They wheeled a stretcher out of Aaron’s former home, carrying a body bag too big to have been your sister-in-law. 

“No,” you gasped. You ran harder, your lungs burning and your heart pounding. “Aaron!” A few of the first responders turned to you, but nobody looked for long. You screamed again. “Aaron!”

Dave found you, putting himself between you and the door. 

“Get out of my way.”

“Believe me, kid,” he said softly. “You don’t want to go in there.” 

“Where’s my brother? I need to find my brother. Aaron!” 

“Aunt Y/N,” a small voice called out to you. Jack waved from JJ’s arms, his young eyes blank and confused. 

You felt sick all over again. 

“Dave, please, where is he?” 

That’s when you saw him. His shirt was covered in blood and his face was cut, already starting to bruise. But he was alive. 

“Aaron!” You ducked around Dave and sprinted into your brother’s waiting arms. 

He didn’t even make it out of the doorway. The second he locked you in his embrace, Aaron felt his legs give out. You basically had to hold him up, his body shaking hard with sobs. 

“I couldn’t get here in time,” he cried into your shoulder. 

You didn’t say anything. You just clung to him as you both cried. 

After what felt like hours, Aaron pulled away. He held something in his fist and stared at his hand with a dark expression. 

“Y/N…” He spoke without expression. “I found this.” 

Any breath you had left your body as he opened his hand. 

It was your locket.

-

The In-Betweens series: @amywright; shesoperfectt;  hereforsmutbcicantgetenough;  violetbossler;  hyper-half-blood;  i-bitch-you-bitch; xcastawayherosx; preciousbabypeter; @jori21; @sol-48;  @murdermornings ; @ staygoldsquatchling02; @ ara-a-bird; @ jjunebug; @ xx-spooky-little-vampire-xx; @ lillianacristina; @ noodleboyluke; @ yokaimoon

[ask-the-colony-tree-siblings]

How did Riv find out about Saint's third eye? Also I find it kind of wild how they think the colony would care about their 'unusual features' when Riv is literally some kind of salamander hybrid slugcat or something like that lmao (not that I blame Saint for it, given their anxiety) ... though hypnotizing their way into the colony on the otherhand...

The first question will be answered later, (I’m too lazy to draw rn sorry lol) but I’m gonna ramble about the second thing you said now! I love rambling ✨

They think that the colony would hate them for not looking like normal slugcats because of things like in these two examples (from an old comic featuring one of Inv’s flashbacks) that were said to them when they were younger.

In the comic (don’t go look at it the art is so old lol) Inv says that they’re going to run away and find a nice slugcat family to adopt them, and Bountiful’s response is to basically call them a freak. When the thought of being driven out or killed for their odd appearance doesn’t scare Inv enough, she turns to posing the question of if Inv will leave Saint alone with her (not safe) or take them out into a dangerous world that will hate them (also not safe). By making Inv think that running away will get Saint hurt just as much as leaving them unprotected with her would, she makes it so both Inv and Saint stay with her.

Of course, eventually they both ran away anyways, but the idea that they’ll be hated for their appearances is still firmly implanted in their heads. Despite the colony’s obvious diversity, they’re still scared that they’re too different.

But, they’re starting to grow away from that internalized idea of “we’re not normal (derogatory)” and are heading more in a “nobody’s normal (positive)” direction! Inv’s best friend, Riv, was the first to know about the siblings’ true appearances, and had the polar opposite reaction to what Bountiful had said would happen. Riv though that they both looked very cool, and was confused as to why they’d ever hide that. The siblings are starting to question what they were taught, but still think it’s too risky to be themselves.

The growth is visible in the banner change btw! In the current banner, Saint is wearing a bandanna instead of a hat. The bandanna shows a lot more of their face, but it still hides their third eye. Inv’s wearing their sunglasses on their forehead in the new banner, not covering their eyes. It isn’t that big of a change, but you can still see that they’re not hiding quite so much of themselves anymore. :3

(Inv doesn’t realize they were ever manipulated by Bountiful, by the way. They think that Bountiful was crazy manipulative with Saint, but never bothered with them. While it’s true that she manipulated Saint more, Inv wasn’t spared from her influence. It’s definitely something that will be part of their arc later, so I thought I’d throw this part of their character out there, since I’m not sure if people have picked up on it yet lmao)

[soft-likethesunset]

i'm australian. i'm a minor. and listen when i tell you that i am so very fucking scared for tomorrow's result. trump will genuinely run america to the ground, and then some. he has already stated that he'll impose a 25% tariff on any and all mexican products going into america to stop immigration, and also said that he plans to raise that even higher if immigration doesn't stop.

please, i am absolutely begging, if you are an american and you are old enough to vote, vote. blue. put aside any bias you have to Harris, any inclination that she might fail, trump. will. ruin the world. under his presidency, if you can even call it that, the world will fucking burn.

he is pro israel, anti abortion, he has called climate change a fucking hoax, and he's a fucking racist bigot. and i know it doesn't seem that just one vote could make that much difference, but it fucking does. seriously. trump will bring world war three upon everyone and everything.

as an australian, politicians are already copying his ideas on abortion, which is fucking disgusting. a 14 year old shouldn't have to raise a baby because she was raped. that is the type of place the world will be if trump wins this election.

please, i am fucking begging, vote for Harris. it's not just america that's affected, it's the whole fucking world.

[arolesbianism]

Time for more eternal gales isat au, this time featuring Sier as Isabeau, creating a sprite I can never use next to Aris’ because despite my best efforts it would make them look tall

[this-is-a-name-dont-worry]

hm having thoughts bout making a boy who went forth to learn what fear is eah oc now

[deityofhearts]

the way I walk is great because I can get around without being heard which is very fun and silly but also. I look fucking stupid

[tardis--dreams]

Me panicking because i have 9 missed calls and 5 emails talking about my absence and how "a colleague could take over for me" vs. Me knowing it's really not that important no matter how pushy a client is and that on top of it I'm underpaid and have way to much overtime so i shouldn't even care

[creativesplat]

That scene from A Tale of Two Stars, from Stan's perspective.

[ghostlyheart]

I feel like the secret to making fun ttrpg characters if you're not an actor, writer, creative, etc. (speaking from personal experience) is honestly to just shamelessly crib from the world around you. Which can be the fiction that inspires you but also just like, look outside. Pick a random name from a gravestone and imagine what their life might have been like based on the limited context clues of their birthplace and time period. Or find a real historical figure that interests you and do that but a bit to the left. I personally find it much easier to start with the bones of a character's upbringing and occupation and imagine what "kind of person" might result from that situation than to come up with a completely new personality that I need to find a way to fit into the established world. Tweak and transplant into the 1920s/Middle Earth/the year 2352 as needed. I guarantee a 100% success rate 50% of the time

[fishy-moirails]

Hmm (sadly)

[imdressinguplikeacat]

i genuinely need someone to beat the fuck out of me