#but also 'my dad's mom's cousin said'
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Anyways update i just didnt bother to post earlier:
fr God is good and the whole car crash my parents got into last week was so incredibly mild in terms of injuries!!!! worst was a bruised knee im pretty sure
ALSO-
*taps mic* HUG YOUR FREAKING LOVED ONES OR SO HELP ME!!!!!!!
#ALSO DO NOT READ THE TAGS IF YOURE HERE FOR A GOOD TIME!!!!#ENDED UP VENTING AGHHHHH- (<- amongus ref in 2024???? l+ratio) (no but seriously stay safe; im not sure if i should add a cw???)#no but like the cars themselves?#FOLDED-#ive seen photos of worse ones of course lol (ty internet <3)#but we´re all in agreement that if it had hit anywhere else at that speed it wouldve been BAD Bad-#like; severe injury to the leg at least; drivers door wouldve crumpled; thankfully it hit the tire mostly#our car got what seems to be the lesser damage and theyre still debating if it counts as total loss xd#also oh goshhhh#so i usually go and say goodbye to my dad when hes headed to work; i did it that day as usual; car was already halfway out the driveway#my dog also loves to go and she was already in the car#but my mom (taking my dad to work) said she´d need to stop by the store after dropping dad off; so she handed her back to me#last minute descision-#my dog is a small kinda elderly chihuahua and wouldve been on my mom´s lap when they crashed#no seatbelt for her obviously#she wouldve gotten injured so freaking bad if she was there ):#overall feels like we dodged a life altering accident by a hair#i wasnt even in it and im still shook hahaha#i always go say bye to dad if hes leaving for work no matter if im pissed off or sad or whatever#half out of habit; half bc i know anything could happen at any moment and id rather not have been too proud to say goodbye#dammit im crying now hahaha#saying again; everyones fine!!!!! please remember to hug your loved ones !!!!!!#shut up sheo#but oh gosh too many reminders of death as a constant recently#that happened about a week after a cousin died; i hadnt seen him in forever but his family went to our church growing up; he was my age#it was a dull and distant pain even then to hear the news but it still hurt; i didnt go to the funeral#did go to the one a couple days later tho; for a family member i truly didnt know; it was a car crash i think#a special kind of heartbreak from meeting his mom and seeing his kids running around#now that i realize it; as im writing this; i hadnt stopped to process just about anything hahaha#freaking sobbing at 9 in the morning smh!!!!!
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Sometimes...I live in a world where Gary King and Nicholas Angel are cousins.
And sometimes...SOMETIMES...Nicholas' uncle Derek is Gary's dad.
#This gets complicated if Derek is Nicholas' uncle via his father. Cuz then his last name would likely be Angel--not King#The wiki says he's Nick's dad's brother but i cant recall. and my rental of the movie ran out so :/#I think it would be neato if for some reason or another Garys mom was like 'eh fuck this Derek guy' and gave Gary her own last name instead#all that said i have so many ideas about Gary's parents and i dont want to commit to any of them. go stupid go crazy as they say#pyra speaks#gary king#nicholas angel#Honestly imagine the drama of Nicholas being older than Gary so the whole arrest thing happened when Nick was a kiddo and thus Gary was BAB#maybe not even born yet#and then Derek gets arrested and then just fuckin yeets out of his old life#so Nicholas is Gary's older cousin who not only knew Gary's dad better than he ever got to but is also sooo ffing successful#Heehee i think that dynamic would be NUTS. heh#Saying this as if most of my thoughts for this au aren't fluff about Gary recovering and visiting his kind+supportive cousin in Sanford#twe#hot fuzz#twe au#hf au#cornetto trilogy
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#really randomly fell down a weird rabbit hole today#i was watching the X-Files and finally felt like reading up on david duchovny#like i see u fellow slav what kind of slav are you#so i opened up his wikipedia article and saw that his dad was jewish and from ukraine and went like AHA WE ARE THE SAME#and just out of curiosity looked up the place he's from because im curious about jewish shtetls in the ukraine#because my whole family except my biological father is from several of them and i thought hey maybe they were neighbors#which they fucking are omg theyre just 20km apart#my greatgreatgrandma is from makhnivka which i even found articles and history about and how the jewish population grew & declined#even though i did not find any steinbergs in the archives#anyway when i read up on Berdychiv where duchovnys family is from it said#early settlement by the Chernyakhov Culture#which was an archeological culture between 200 and 500 CE existing at the same time as the roman empire#....... is this how i finally find out where my name is from??????? like?????????#i wish i knew so much more than i do#like i only found out that im not russian i was just born in russia like 7 years ago or so??? because my mom never tells me anything#all the information about my great great grandparents and where theyre from is from my grandma#and her dementia is really bad now and shes just angry and screams and calls people names#my russian is too bad to properly read up on stuff like that and theres barely anything in english or german#i just want to know idk#but genetic testing is too expensive and also very america centric and the only family i have in the us is super conservative#i had to block them on facebook when my grandma made me write to them once over 10 years agl#and i know a huge chunk of my grandmas family moved to israel too so i dont want anything to do with that either#although id be curious if it would actually find my half siblings i found out about also like 8 years ago#i just wish there were more archives and more people i could talk to about this#on my grandfathers side theres nothing really left#my grandfather passed suddenly and apparently before he did he took ALL THE FAMILY PHOTOS AND DOCUMENTS somewhere to maybe digitalise them#but we dont know where so theyre literally gone for ever#but his whole family was from kiev and is apparently named after this culture era#his dad was a higher up at a sugar factory and i still cant find anything#my grandma had so many cousins and they were so interconnected and knew so much and i literally just have my mom and no one else
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Accidentally stumbled onto the dark side of Tumblr again, DEAR GRACE SOME FOLKS NEED INTENSE THERAPY, or need to stop doing drugs, maybe both, my eyes, my poor, poor eyes, I need a holy water and bleach combo
Also I should watch gravity falls again
#I also stumbled upon the extremely delulu side by accident#no idea if its ragebait or what but someone was just like EXTREMELY AGAINST ALASTOR IN ANY SHIP#which is valid you have your own opinion I respect that BUT THEY LITERALLY SAID ITS BECAUSE ALASTOR HIMSELF TOLD THEM?#Alastor is a fictional character and HE BETTER STAY THAT WAY#reminded me of those creepypasta kids who would pretend that Slenderman was real and be edgy#I was friends with one of those#they were... not the healthiest friendship like I'm not super traumatized by them but they definitely left a mark#took me like two years to not jump at the mention of their name#it's like 5 am for me rn I gotta get up in a couple to babysit children which is fitting because todays fic is a daycare au fic thats very#wholesome and I'm having fun writing it IT HEALS THE SCARS#i want corn bread again#my mom makes this really good cheddar cheese cornbread and it's tasty#she also makes like this honey one which is just corn bread with honey drizzled on it and popped into the air fryer#I'm also lowkey craving this casserole I made once with corn bread#I forgot what it's called but it had ground beef+ taco seasoning mixed with like vegetables and a TON of cheese and#it's just so TASTY i love it#like my all time favorite casserole#speaking of casseroles i can't wait for thanksgiving to roll around#I'm allergic to rice but theres this cheese rice and broccoli casserole that gets made#I sometimes sneak a bite#I'm not like deathly allergic I just break out in hives like with tomatoes#OO PLUS THANKSGIVIN' TURKEY my dad makes like a GREAT gravy to go with it#I look forward to it every year#and I'm from the south so we also have sweet potatoes mashed potatoes with marshmallows and cinnamon roasted on the top#and depending if my moms side is visiting we GET PUERTO RICAN FOOD#my mom makes the best food ever#i remember I had macaroons and me and moony were sneakily eating them in the kitchen because they were just for us#and my younger cousin walked in like “Ph macaroons! i want one” and I#without missing a beat just told him “Sure but their pumpkin spice flavored” and he left#it wasn't pumpkin spice it was mango I jsut didn't want to share with him Because the macarons were a reward I need to sleep now goodbye
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i'm planning next week's picnic like if one thing goes wrong i'll be publicly beheaded. i'm locked in to such an absurd degree.
#also never shopping in my nearest town again maybe#i saw my cousin's ex who lives an hour away and her friend together which is so....... like wow i really thought i'd seen the last of him#very messy situation#started talking to a cashier/stocker i've spoken with on occasion for several years and she showed me some of her art & poetry (???)#got in line in front of one of my former classmate's dads who tried to proposition me right after my mom died#went to the new dollar store which has four self checkouts & one manned‚ tried to use a self checkout and the cashier said#'we don't have self checkouts' i said 'do you mean today or period' she said 'period' and we discussed how badly that's got them fucked up#they're literally running one of the self checkouts as a manned checkout when things get busy like...#and it was JUST built!! like just less than a year ago i think#i always come home from that town wanting to pull my hair out it's sooo strange!! like everything is craaazy#i also got fucking scammed!#i forgot to check until just now but the grocery store likes to run a weekly sale then not update the computers to reflect it#like they've done this for years and years#and i paid $1.99/lb for apples that were marked down to $1.12/lb so i overpaid a damn dollar#during the panini when it was my only source of groceries sometimes the difference would literally be like $50 because of big ticket items#i'd usually walk out‚ unload and read the receipt‚ then walk back in and get my refund. every friday.#and if i didn't i'd be out like $100/month for nothing on top of everything costing double what it did in the city#that place is fucking cursed. like there's just layers and layers of misery covering every surface.#adam yaps
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the angel on my shoulder telling me to use the credit reward i just got from my travel credit card to go home for mother's day vs the devil on my shoulder telling me to squirrel it away and put it toward something for myself
#idk i feel like it's always me going home to see my mom and never the other way around#i understand that she is still in her first few years of owning a small business and it's hard and she has no money#like it might not sound like it and it might sound like i'm being insensitive but i DO get it#and not to make the classic child of divorce comparison but my dad visits me for my birthday every year and while again#i understand that their situations are VASTLY different#that's ONCE a year#and with the fact that she wouldn't even have to pay for a place to stay#it would be nice if she could also just come my way ONCE a year#instead of it always being on me whether we see each other or not#and having to live with the fucking guilt when i can't make it work#and now that two of my cousins also live in the area it's even MORE like#you would also get to see your nephews and your nieces-in-law and your grand-nieces#you know? like it's not even like you'd JUST be coming to see me#although i like to think i would be enough of a draw by myself lol#anyway idk why i'm even typing all of this out i am probably going to cave and just go home for mother's day lol#it's a big enough credit that i should still have a little bit left over after the plane ticket#it's just. idk. like i said. angel vs devil. what i should do vs what i want to do.
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number one thing that i hate translating tagalog to english is that i cant show the intricacies in speech.
like. the word tomboy. it means a WHOLE OTHER THING IN TAGALOG. i've apparently been called a lesbian almost my entire life and i didn't know. that or my mom used the english meaning in context rather than tagalog when i was a kid then used the tagalog meaning when i got older.
i love intricacies in language, dont you?
#crow talks#yk what even more funny? my mom and dad also use spanish words instead of tagalog sometimes.#some tagalog words ARE taken from spanish but they legit will just use a spanish word rather than the tagalog one that's RIGHT THERE.#they'll use the word then me and my siblings r like “huh??” and then they use the tagalog word. MOTHER FATHER JUST USE THE WORD.#also yeah im ignoring the fact my mom called me gay lmao.#it's a word filipino people use for lesbians. so. a ton of people use it in a derogatory way.#my cousin uses it in a non derogatory way bc they dont wanna use lesbian in public w probably homophobes around.#also my aunt. she's literally gay. so. yeahhh.#WAIT MY MOM ALSO SAID THAT WHEN I WEAR MASC CLOTHES I LOOK LIKE HER. WHA.WHAT DOES THAT MEAN--#woops rambled. gonna stop now hahah
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I used to have a really giant family like tons of tias and tios and cousins and i say used to cause like it seems like after my grandparents died on both sides both families seemed to never speak again and i had no chance to even try and keep hold of those ties i was in elementary school watching my parents marriage crash and burn in real time dealing with major death in the family and then subsequent family abandoning me at the tender age of 11. Hell my brothers were older and jumped ship it was just me and the horrors
#my moms dad and my dads mom were like the heads of their families and they both died really close to each other#but my grandma and a tio on my moms side died within 3 days of each other after being in hospice literally 3 doors away from each other#for months and my parents both took the roles of like taking care of everything and being the descision makers cause no one else would#which im sure was super traumatizing in everyway possible but their siblings both seemed to resent them in ways#when they didnt want to be those people but had to be and they arent even the oldest siblings they are both like 3rd youngest#but like it just ruined the families and me and mom and my dad were all at the hospital or hospice center for months#we were there every day and night i remember it so much i can get anywhere in any hospital in my town using the stairwells#like i knew them that well#it also likely ruined my parents marriage which was bumpy before the intense major tragedy#which like yaknow what fair it was a lot to deal with ontop of like trying to crawl ur way out of the recession#but after all was said and done i talk to no one on my dads side i bearly talk to my older brother#and i talk to like my nina and two tias on my moms side and occassionally a few cousins#when theyre arent being fucking insane and unhinged#idk i loved having a huge family the like going to 5 houses on christmas type#going to birthdays or weddings and seeing everyone taking at least 45 mins to say bye to everyone#and now its gone and i wont ever get it back#and its by no fault of my own cause i was literally 11 and every adult decided i was gonna pay the price too#like i think abt when i get married its not gonna be what i thought itd be or when i get my first movie in theatres#im not gonna have the major family celebration ill have all my friends which im so greafull for#but its not the same yaknow#and id love to have that relatiomship with my family again but like where do u start when its been over 10+ years#like they remember 11 year old me if they remember me#and thats part of the problem#like on my moms side specifically i have some family who acts like theyve never met me before when i used to see them every weekend#and it was a major failing on my part as an 11 year old for not keeping in touch even tho we did my mom calls everyone and she tried#but people didnt want to return it#and as for my dads side its the same and if it was a moral failing for me as an 11 yr old to not reach out and they didnt like my mom much#my grandma fucking loved her but the rest of the family didnt and like i lived w my mom and was fucking 11 i couldnt go anhwhere by myself#and i didnt like not being places without a parent and i hated sleepovers i refused and they took it so personal#and they stopped talking to my dad and bad mouthed him and still do nd ill never allow that around me my dad isnt perfect but hes a good man
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aaaaaaand it's starting. mom's bestie just texted me asking to come over this weekend cause it's Bad and it's probably the last chance to talk and maybe say goodbye to my mom's husband and i need to take care of her. god. i wont get through this weekend unless im high or drunk istg.
#time to slightly overdose my depression meds again ig lol#anyway. it is a little better with me these last two weeks. turns out the meds do work when you actually take em regularly#but first my best friend's break up that she's blowing up to unimaginable size#acting as if she just got divorced with the love of her life after 20 years#and not ended a few months long relationship with a guy who's been the source of most of her troubles since the moment they started dating#(ofc she's valid and id never tell her that because like. i get it. some people feel stuff more deeply. but its hard to be supportive#when you genuinely feel like this is the best possible outcome for her and that the relationship was only dragging her down all this time)#and now this. and this is gonna be infinitely worse. and then it's gonna get a million times worse when he actually does die.#and i feel like the worst most selfish person ever which like. probably am. but i did tell my cousin who actually knows my mom really well#and she said she understands and that my fears ARE valid because SHE'S terrified of how she's gonna handle my mom#and she wouldn't wanna be me in that situation cause it's gonna be so much worse for me lmao#like i feel like people who know my mother casually really dont understand just how unhinged emotionally she is#anyway. i feel so overwhelmed. i cant handle this jesus.#but im also emotionally unavailable and refuse to actually confide in another person because i dont want to be a bother <3333#god i love tumblr. i can literally type anything in those tags lol it's the perfect form of venting since you can just scroll by#but i will still have let it out of myself anyway uwu i literally dont need that therapy fr#anyway. i feel so unbelievably fucking lonely and on one hand it's my own fault for withdrawing and refusing to ask for help.#but on the other hand. i AM alone. like there's no one who can help me in this particular situation.#i have no siblings. obviously my dad isnt gonna help. it all falls down to me. good god. i wanna throw up.
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hru?
- 🪐
im good im good‼️
#actually I’m not good after christmas my mom and my aunts are going to korea leaving me with my dad and my brother#and older cousins#they said im going in the summer so why does it matter#IT MATTERS#YOU GUYS ARE LEAVING ME WITH THESE MEN#they also get to experience korea in the winter I haven’t experienced that since I was like 8#🪐anon
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mom and aunts were having a reunion with their cousins so i ended up having to hang out with MY normie ass cousins from the province, had a good time though
i wore my new leather jacket outside for the first time, we all had different variations of the same haircut and there was a lot of complaining
#chomikz#yeah thats the life doodle tag now#if you could see us irl you'd immediately know i'm the gay cousin#my dad who's also not allowed in my mom's cousin reunion took us to a bar#he sighed and said cant believe my new drinking buddies are my nephews and my kid#he didnt really say that in english these are all roughly translated from tagalog/taglish but who cares#also i had a queer coming of age movie moment where i was sleepy from drinking 4 glasses of wine#i ended up coming out to the cousin telling me to quit while we were hanging out at a balcony facing the sea at sunset#he was cool with it and i trust hes not gonna tell anyone :D i dont mind if he tells his twin bc i trust him too#but he said he wont tell either#anyway had a good time hanging out i really need to get out more often staying inside and scrolling is rotting my brain#i hope my cousins had a good time too
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Ok so, I have hazel eyes and so does everyone in my family, and I just read that hazel is the most rare eye color except for green?? 5% of the world’s population and 18% of Americans have hazel eyes.
I never notice people’s eye color unless they are particularly stunning (Ben Browder, Lauren Graham, and Anna Torv come to mind).
But I also read that people of North African, Middle Eastern, Brazilian, or Spanish descent are most likely to have hazel eyes, but I am none of those lol
#hazel eyes#eye color#my dad’s eyes are almost straight up green#my mom’s eyes are like 3 different colors- brown in the center then hreen and gray around the edges#my brother’s are like amber brown with super thin green rings#my grandma’s eyes looked gray to me but her driver’s license said hazel#my driver’s license actually says mine are brown bc the brown is more prominent than green#but i also didn’t know what hazel eye color is when I first got my license#i don’t remember the eye color of my other grandparents#i think my mom said my grandfather had blue eyes#one time me and my cousins were talking about eye color#and I had never noticed either of their eye colors#other than they’re not blue lmao#and then one of them said to me ‘yours are green right?’#(i was sitting across the deck ao she couldn’t tell)#so i said ‘yeah well hazel technically’#but i was surprised that someone has noticed the green in my eyes
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i did have so much fun 2day hanging out with the babies since i havent been around little kids much (aside from phoebe) for like A year. sometimes i like get scared kids wouldnt like me anymore (kids hve always rly liked me and it makes me happy that they have fun with me :]) but yeah my cousins said im their favorite even tho its been like a year since ive seen them and they were hanging out with me All day and clinging to me and also fighting over me SJDBFJFNFJ
#the fifhting over me was funny bc it reminded me of when lamp n maddie were little theyd do the same thing whenever my mom babysat maddie#and matt (matt was a baby at the time)#but i can think of several instnces where they literlly did the cartoon both pulling my arms in different directions thing DJFNFJNG#children love me for oldest cousin swag#OMG ALSO MATT SMOKES WEED NOW? he was high. it was crazy. bc hes like an eternal baby to me even tho i think hes like 14 or 15 now#in my head hes like ... 11 at the absolute oldest and thats still too old LOL i remember him as like 9 or something. but he isn't...#also maddie brooke and weston werent ghere i think brooke and weston were at their dads#n mads was gonna come but ???? unclear. she said she was cleaning her room. :[ bummer i havent seen her since i left#the 2 things that boost my ego r 1. little kids saying they like me 2. old people saying they like me DJFNFJFJ
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#mmmm sometimes i understand why my mom was suicidal after 26 years with this asshole i would be too#just out of fucking nowhere tonight he's ranting at me about every fucking thing under the sun in any way that could make me feel bad#oh youre on your period? you were actively fighting off a seizure bc you were worried about your brother who never had tremors and was#seizing all day? well i had to watch him!#lazy bitch you didnt cook or feed me 🤬 sir you had cereal bc thats what you asked for#and no i didnt cook fuck off#oh we dont have a new fridge or mattress? thats because when i tried to get you out to go you said nah another day#fuck right off he's fully looking for reasons to fight and be mean to me#i might cry alone in my room but all he'll achieve is putting himself in the hospital with his anger#im glad my mom is free from this#wish i could be but i dont want to have to fucking die to not have to deal with this#i just want a dad who can act like an adult#not throw a tantrum and abuse me after an already stressful day#so what if i had fun going to a kbbq restauraunt after my doctor's appt without him. i was with cousins.#cant do shit withiut him pitching a fit#hes also salty bc i wont let him go to my doctor's appointments with me#im 23 almost 24 and literally paid to be your caregiver what fuckjng makes you think i want you there#if i wanted moral support i wouldnt have been going to doctors alone since it was legal#caught myself thinking uh. about wanting to be dead while he ranted at me for 20mins#this all started bc i havent boight the dogs flea meds yet. its not even time to give it to them. but i walked past him to piss and said#stop bringing it up dont bitch at me day after day after day about stupid small shit im gonna get done anyway#and he took that as a challenge
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I barely register that we are 2024 right now what do you mean my birthday is in 10 days and I’m going to be 26 😭😭😭😭😭
#i just realize if I want to celebrate it Need to me next Saturday cause my parents anniversary is June 1st#so now I’m panicking a little since it’s last minute ckdbjdjd#but I kinda want to hold a game night#my cousin dosen’t have her kid and her sister just separated I think it would do her good 🥺#and I guess she has her kids on the same weekend the other has hers so they can see each other#I’ll have to ask#cause no job and my parents don’t have a lot of money especially my mom she had to pay for Puppy’s pills 😭#i usually go bowling but that sounds fun too especially since we didn’t do it on new year like usual#Idk if their brother is free it would be perfect (since he’s my godfather and I never see him)#and if need to I’ll make my own cake bfkdbdjjd#and I don’t like it that much but my dad can make his spaghetti my family love it so much and it wouldn’t be pricy to do for a lot of people#i Need to talk to them about it I hope they accept 😭#i also need to make me aunt leave her house 😂 she will for me and her daughters (kids the third one is free) 😌#i don’t think my brother will be here tho I saw him every weekend this month 😭 ckbsjd#at least he wasn’t annoying this time he was super nice#the last time I saw him I wanted to beat him up#I’m a simple girl I just need a cake and family to have a happy bday 🥰#i also need to look for gift that don’t cost a lot cause my mom want to make me a gift and like I said the money is limited#it’s okay if I don’t have a game or Pokémon cards for once ekxbdjdn#or albums#unless I can find one that is surprisingly not pricy but I don’t think it exist 😂#my dad’s gift is my Purki tickets so it’s only her#alex.txt
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#yall I finally got some good fucking news#my grandma’s been in the hospital and was doing very bad and like#we thought the end was near#she improved and got discharged#things still aren’t great but it’s (hopefully) looking more like she has weeks or maybe even months rather than just a handful of days#she’s almost 92 and has late stage Alzheimer’s and the flu is what put her in the hospital but she beat it#yesterday was very stressful#my parents/uncles were all being incredibly vague and my cousins were reaching out for info from me since I’m the only local grandchild#trying to figure out if people several hours away need to drop everything and try to make it here to say goodbye while at work was uh#it was something#I had an emotional break down in the bathroom which was fun#my parents who normally use me as a punching bad were doing it to an even more extreme degree#they still are technically; I get it’s my dad’s mom and he’s hurting more but she’s my grandma and like#the whole way they’ve been treating is just… it broke something in me#relieved she’s okay for now but having to grapple with the fact that this is how they will treat me when it is her time is something#I am an frazzled emotional wreck from everything but she’s okay and that’s what matters in the end#I also had a video interview this afternoon which like#absolutely wild state of mind to be in to do an interview but it’s with a really good company so I didn’t want to cancel#guys#I got a second in person interview!#it pays good and it’s close by and the only thing I don’t like is that it’s second shift#but they said if I get the job I’ll eventually get the opportunity to switch to first shift so like#fingers crossed the next interview goes well#anyways all good news except for my parents being fucking assholes but#I am out of energy emotionally mentally and physically#was trying to keep myself together till the interview and now that it’s over I’m just very done#my anxiety is shot my brain’s checked out and all I wanna do is sleep#I was supposed to be off tomorrow but work called me in and I took the shift cause I need money#I think there is a very good chance that I crash very hard after work tomorrow#which fine
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