#but a young adult does not fully understand or is fully comprehending the responsibility in their choices or how to properly keep themselve

[thegalaxyonherlips]

The staggering of the age of consent laws needs to happen. I'm sick of seeing 16/17/18 year olds dating 30 year olds like that is an appropriate dynamic to have. You're only just beginning your adulthood, and those people who have stood in adulthood for a hot minute now should not be entering into that dynamic knowing that they have a whole wealth of power imbalance in that they understand adulthood a heck of a lot more. This power imbalance can lead to becoming financially or emotionally dependent on that 30+ year old. And more often than not, can be comparable to gr**ming, if not exactly that.

[yannisdesk]

At first I was pretty shocked that Vi said that kid that got killed at Silco's shimmer plant that he knew what he was getting into...it just seemed very dark for someone who's usually compassionate. But then I had to remember, she does not associate age or childhood with purity or innocence because of her own circumstances. She was forced to grow up very fast and take on a lot of responsibility when she was a mere tween (possibly younger.) She did not get to have a childhood, and as a young teenager she was essentially in training to protect Zaun after Vander, who straight up told her that she does not get to be selfish (or act her age) because people look up to her and her actions can and will have negative consequences for herself and everyone if she isn't careful. Hence, why she tried to turn herself in and why she blames herself for how Jinx turned out, and also for the deaths of Vander, Claggor, and Mylo. Of course she wouldn't take pity on this kid, who was roughly the same age she was when she had to put aside childish things and take on adult responsibilities. She does not see a kid who's clearly been indoctrinated by Silco to produce shimmer because she herself was not treated like a kid at that age. She's is only 23 and was behind bars between the ages of 14-23 for no reason. She simply just doesn't comprehend how someone, regardless of age, can make uninformed decisions, or decisions where the autonomy and consent is blurred at best. She does not see other young children as products of their environment, but as autonomous beings who are capable of making adult choices. So, if anything, this is pretty in-step for someone with her background and trauma and unfortunately, painfully realistic. Strangely, it's become one of my favorite aspects of her character because of how much of a natural flaw this is. It's not something pulled out of left field for shock value or as a last-ditch attempt at making her look "dark" and "edgy," it's a perfect culmination of what she's been through and how that can manifest in an undesirable way due to her not being able to confront her emotions on it.

The only person she seemingly does have an understanding for how a young mind can be warped is Jinx. But even then, I think that has to do more with Jinx being her sister and also wanting to blame Silco because she blames him for their separation than understanding what's fully going on with her sister; and I think that's made pretty obvious in the show.

[fandom-hoarder]

Grabbing these tags by @deanwinchesterpregnant from this post to expand.

Because yes, this is a very important part! Sam says it, too!

And while there ARE Sam haters that will say "Sam doesn't know how much Dean sacrificed!" and mean it as a JUDGEMENT and omg wooby!Dean; there are also people like me, who started writing s1 Sam POVs to understand him better, and suddenly connected him to my little brother like, 'OH. Sam doesn't KNOW. How COULD he know??😭' and it's not a judgment of his character or his love for Dean! And he's not stupid! They're both just kids who have yet to work through their own shit enough to realize they don't know EVERYTHING about each other, despite their shared history. It's part of why Sam says in In My Time of Dying that they were "just starting to be brothers again."

Obviously it's a necessary part of s1 to give us, the viewer, expositional glimpses into Sam and Dean's inner workings. But the way they each react to certain new revelations about each other are still canon even if there are Doylist reasons.

It's canon that Sam didn't know Dean carried him out of the fire. It's canon that Dean has felt responsible for Sam almost being eaten by a shtriga since he was 9/10 years old, and it's canon that Sam never even knew that happened. It's canon that the memory of Mary was so coveted by Dean and John that Sam has virtually no connection to her; no stories and no echoes of her in the way they live other than the infamous Winchester Surprise.

It's canon that Sam doesn't really have any happy holiday memories, and Dean does. It's canon that their perspective on the same shared holidays is completely different. It's canon that Dean stole Christmas decorations and presents for Sam and apparently none for himself. And it's canon that Sam realized Dean did that for him and gave him his only present. And it's canon that remembering that made grown-up Sam want to give Dean Christmas even though it meant admitting something hurtful to himself. (John not showing up for Christmas/Dean's last Christmas)

If you put yourself in Sam's shoes--- a kid left alone for most of his formative years; unable to put down roots and make friends; whose best friend, the only one who could even try to understand him, is his good little soldier brother--- it's easier to understand why Sam felt lonely and became a much more introspective person. Because he was literally stuck with just his thoughts and anxieties and the TV for days at a time. When you think about how sick he must've been about it, every time Dean and John would leave. Waiting for that next phone call. Biting his fingernails when the call was late. Wanting to be invited to prove yourself, but also because if you're THERE at least you KNOW what happens.

But then, too, if you can put yourself in Dean's place: it's not necessarily something a kid or young adult can fully appreciate--- especially a somewhat emotionally immature young adult--- that their little sibling is a completely autonomous person with their own inner life. They don't just pause when you leave their sight. Dean throws himself into the hunt, and isn't thinking about how much Sam is worrying about them. He's thinking, "Sam is safe, so I can focus on backing Dad up."

It sounds selfish, but it's simply a fact of the maturing brain that it takes some time to comprehend someone else's existence outside of you as a real thing and not just a vague concept.

So, to touch on another aspect that gets discoursed:

There ARE a lot of things about Dean's parentification that Sam doesn't know at first, but he has always known about it to SOME degree. He had his own perspective on it, and for sure I wouldn't say that Sam thought of Dean as his parent. Dean has definitely always been his older and somewhat overbearing big brother. But who do you think Sam took his problems to? Who threatens to rip his bully's lungs out in After School Special? Who remembers what fucking play Sam did in drama?

And a short related aside--- thinking about how Sam was surprised about the things of his John had in storage. His surprise that John kept an eye on him at Stanford. And relating these things that changed Sam's understanding of his father, to the way his understanding of Dean shifted with each revelation of what Dean had done for him. And despite everything Sam ALREADY knew, his adult brain and life experiences gave him new perspective on things.

This maybe is a little rambley, but oh well. What was I saying...

Oh yeah. So sometimes people get upset about Dean being given like. More praise than he deserves or something, by having those "you practically raised me" lines and things. As if it's a retcon. But it's really not.

It's Sam growing up, and his brain constantly taking in new information and reshaping his understanding. It's Sam seeing how much Dean blames himself for things that weren't his fault, and wanting Dean to see the good he's done. It's Sam being able to see Dean's heart underneath his codependent or selfish decisions, and reaching out. It's Sam trying to remind Dean he can lean on Sam, too.

I've gone off on a tangent and made myself tear up lol. I don't remember where I wanted to end up anymore. Somewhere in the ether there's another rant about how Dean has a harder time allowing himself the introspection on his perception of Sam, and how this leads to Sam having to do a lot of the leading on the emotional maturity of their relationship, and how hard this is when the person you're leading still sees you as their kid, in whatever capacity.

But ultimately, of COURSE Sam does as much for Dean. Of course Sam has agency in this and isn't Dean's baby that had a pampered childhood vs Dean's horrible one. Sam and Dean acknowledging the actual circumstances of their childhood dynamic doesn't have to be a Samgirls vs Deangirls fucking situation lol.

[filthyjanuary]

so what are your thoughts

ok well i'm going to try to articulate them as best i can even though they're very convoluted and mixed. if you follow me you know i'm very new to mcyt/dsmp and only got into it oct 2021 so like obviously i dont have the hindsight of someone who has been following all of this for 2 years but i want to start off by saying i empathize with dream a lot. i do. i think it is hugely admirable to grow out of a bigoted situation and better yourself and i don't think people holding what he's done as a teenager against him are being fair. everyone is stupid and makes mistakes as a teenager, society evolves and so do people, and i think there's plenty to talk about without acting like people are irredeemable and incapable of growth and change. if you are a teenager i want you to know that as wise and smart and progressive as you think you are now, you're going to look back on stuff you're doing in 5 years and cringe and be angry and think 'wow how did i ever do that?'

i also understand that he has had a massive amount of growth in a very short amount of time and is dealing with things in the public eye and with a huge spotlight on him that are frankly impossible for nearly anyone to comprehend. there is not really a playbook for blowing up this fast and trying to navigate that and all things considered yes he's an adult but he's still pretty young and this is not anything anyone could've possibly prepared for and especially wrt his sexuality i can't even imagine how much it sucks to have people constantly putting words in your mouth or trying to make you label yourself in a way you don't want to especially if you're still trying to figure yourself out.

ALL THAT BEING SAID, i think my big thought is dream doesn't actually seem to grasp the crux of the issue? or at least what my personal issue is which is when you wield the influence he does, you have to be responsible with it and that means you cannot just go around on the internet acting like any other person. it doesn't matter what the other person said. someone with 5 mil twitter followers responding to someone with 5 followers is not a fair fight. it doesn't matter WHAT dream responded with, the fact that he did it directly at all puts targets on people's backs and he doesn't seem to grasp that at all and i find that concerning. especially when the people getting targeted are teenagers who don't fully have the capacity to deal with that or are aware of the implications of their own words. no one is saying he needs to take it lying down or not defend himself but there are ways to do that that don't endanger people.

and to anyone saying "well if you post publicly be ready to stand by your words", you are kind of deliberately erasing the role social media has in our society at large now. twitter is basically the public square, like it or not. if you comment on something happening in the public eye in the public square, you are not necessarily expecting the person you're talking about to respond to you directly. if i write a letter to a newspaper commenting on some celebrity scandal, i am not expecting said celebrity to actually respond even if it was published. nor should they. that would be literally insane. people talk about things on twitter because that's largely where a lot of communication happens at large in 2022, and you shouldn't need a private account to be able to talk about things going on in the public eye. the people who are IN THE PUBLIC EYE should know when and how to respond to things. it's not dehumanizing to say that your influence comes with obligations that other people don't have to deal with.

hell, this is obviously on a much smaller scale but i remember one time on twitter i defended aidan gallagher of all people. not because i care about him one way or another, but because people on the internet were bullying him and being too harsh on him considering he was a teenager and still learning and growing. that's all i said. that we shouldnt hold teenagers to the same standard we hold adults to because that isn't fair. and i got a metric fuckton of people including other teenagers calling me transphobic. which i know is blatantly not true. i didn't respond to any of those comments because i knew it wasn't fair for me, a grown adult woman with a blue checkmark to be arguing with a bunch of kids on twitter even if they were wrong. it's not a fair fight. i know i'm not transphobic and so does anyone who is important to me. why would i waste my breathe arguing with people who've made up their minds and are determined to find the most bad faith interpretation of my words?

the other thing is, i understand that dream wasn't condoning doxxing but his attempt at "reassuring" people also completes avoids the crux of the issue which is doxxing is inherently a fear tactic. it doesn't matter how many followers you have or if it's actually going to result in a threat. doxxers do what they do to scare people into silence. it is not reassuring to say "well if you have 5 followers no one who doxxes you is actually going to put you at risk because no one cares enough to put you in danger" because that's not the point? the point is it is a threat that hangs over your head and scares you.

dream is never going to convince people who hate him to change their minds and i think he needs to grasp that sometimes the best thing he can do is just to be quiet. people are always going to misconstrue you when you're in the public eye. you don't need to engage with every single bad faith interpretation of your words because it dilutes when things actually do need to be addressed. people who do support you will continue to do so unless you give them a legitimately awful reason not to. a pr person would help with that and i genuinely find it off the walls bonkers insane that he thinks having someone help him with that kind of thing would render him "corporate" or "inauthentic."

apologies if this is long and not clear, i did my best but i'm still a bit sick and sleep deprived. happy to elaborate on any points. i find myself very in the middle on how i feel about this and frankly am still sorting out my own thoughts so talking about it helps actually. but i think those are my two biggest takeways at the moment. i want dream to succeed. i want him to be better. i think people on here have a tendency to either baby him to the extreme or think the worst of him and i don't think either of those does anyone any good.

[kirinda-ondo]

You know him, you either love or hate him (or are moderately confused by my sudden dive into this hyperfixation); we're talking about Orko because I have a lot of feelings.

As a disclaimer, I am not gonna claim to be some kind of superfan. I am not aware of every single iteration of the lore and all of its secrets. I don't know anything about the DC comics. I'm only halfway through the 2002 series as of me writing this. I am not someone you want to have discussions on the wider Masters of the Universe.... universe with. However, after watching Revelation, the entire Filmation He-Man (and some of She-Ra, cause he was there too), and going on a deep dive of storybooks, annuals, and minicomics courtesy of He-Man.org and the lovely people who submitted their scans there, I do feel pretty qualified to at least talk about Orko.

So, with all that being said, I'd like to get into a little bit of backstory, if only for my followers who came to this blog for completely different things and are wondering where the hell my love for this funky little wizard dude came from all of a sudden. Truth is, Orko is actually one of my earliest faves! Mind you, I only had limited access to Masters of the Universe as a kid, only seeing a couple of rented VHS tapes and later getting my hands on a small pile of the Golden Books from Goodwill, but apparently it was enough for Orko to  imprint himself into my brain. However, also due to my limited exposure, he kind of got shifted to the back of my head as I got deeper into other things. I still knew for a fact I liked Orko a lot though, even if I couldn't quite remember why anymore.

And then Masters of the Universe: Revelation dropped on Netflix. I'm not gonna get into my opinions of that show lest I open a flood of irrelevant discourse (for those uninitiated, it is a bit... divisive, to say the least). However my feelings on the matter did encourage me to go and watch the original and well, holy shit I love Orko more now than I could have ever comprehended as a kid. He is THE quintessential underappreciated comic relief character I tend to gravitate towards, and then some.

But before I get into that, let me back up a bit and explain. Orko is a Trollan, a race of magical little dudes that are basically floating sweaters with hats and covered up faces. Out of these Trollans, Orko is an incredibly fucking OP archmage. Like, they straight up call him Orko the Great, he's so powerful. But then, he gets caught in a freak storm that whisks him away from his home dimension and into Eternia. Immediately, he runs into a young Prince Adam, who is trapped in a swamp/tar pit and needs rescuing. Orko, being the upstanding lad that he is, uses his magic to save him but in the process loses the item that allows him to focus his magic to the swamp (in the 80s version, it's a medallion, but in the 2002 series, it's a wand). Worse yet, the magic (and dare I say the very laws of physics) in Eternia works pretty much the opposite as it does in Trolla, so he's been incredibly nerfed.

So basically, Orko is trapped in a topsy-turvy world away from friends and family, a world with magic he is fundamentally incompatible with. Ouch. He's not completely screwed, however, as he is rewarded by the king and queen for his heroism and appointed... the court jester. Double ouch. He surprisingly doesn't seem to mind though. He genuinely does enjoy entertaining people, even when his tricks only ever work like half the time because he's basically a Mac program trying to run on a Windows computer.

It's not all horrible though, as he does quite literally get adopted by the royal family  and thus sort of become the entire palace's weird son/little brother (despite being older than many of them. He's very, very child-coded largely for the purposes of being a stand-in and example lesson to the actual children watching). But also, more importantly, he becomes one of the very select few to know that Adam and He-Man are one and the same.

But outside of secret-keeping, he is actually a pretty valuable ally to have against Skeletor and his dudes because even though his magic is kind of screwed up, when it does work, he's still one of the most powerful mages on Eternia. In various materials, he's created floods, a second winter, and hell, he can literally explode himself and still be perfectly fine. He's also really clever and can weasel his way out of a number of situations. In one episode, for instance, he manages to convince someone that he's He-Man and Adam is his "assistant" in order to free him from captivity so the day has a better chance of actually being saved.  He's also got the ability to just be really frustrating and incomprehensible to the point that villains who capture him sometimes either don't want him or don't know what to do with him anymore, which is honestly really funny. In an episode of She-Ra, the villains tried to scan his brain but because the inner machinations of his mind are that much of an enigma, he got diagnosed a weirdo and broke the entire machine. Absolutely delightful.

However, there's a lot more to Orko than just comedy and bungled magic. He's actually surprisingly complex!

See, going into this, I expected Orko's whole situation be played entirely for laughs while the sadder implications of his existence go entirely unaddressed. Coming off the heels of characters like Cobalt and others I enjoy, I'm used to this sort of treatment by writers. But they actually don't do that. The depressing subtext is for once, actually TEXT, which was INCREDIBLY surprising to me. We actually get to see another side of him, a side that hates that he can't be taken seriously no matter what he does, a side that is well aware of all the trouble he causes and feels like a burden to those around him. He actually runs away on multiple occasions, fully believing that he's unloved and everyone would be better off without him, even if that couldn't be further from the truth (a point which the Sorceress hammers home with multiple straight up magical video presentations, and in the 2002 series, a literary adaptation, of why he is loved and important).

Underneath all the hyping himself up that he does, there's a lot of insecurity. He's someone who desperately wants to be loved and respected and feels that without funny magic tricks to entertain people, he has no inherent value (which is incredibly relatable if you are also known by people as The Funny One). At one point he agrees with the notion that he doesn't feel like much more than a pet, which is absolutely heartbreaking. Even when he gets the ability to go back and forth between Eternia and Trolla, his feelings of inadequacy now extend toward his family, worrying that his own uncle, the one who taught him everything he knows and greatly contributed to him being Orko the Great back home in the first place, wouldn't be proud of him. Being on Eternia highkey wrecked his shit, man.

However, even when given the opportunity to go back home for good, he always chooses to stay because he's loyal as hell. Even if he needs some reminders, he does know he's needed not just in the fight against evil, but just because his friends and newfound family genuinely love him. It's heartbreaking, but also incredibly wholesome. I did not even remotely expect a comic relief character like this to get this much depth and respect from the writers, especially not from the incredibly campy and cheaply animated 80s series. I am genuinely so unused to this.

But I think that's also what separates him a bit from his fellow Silly Kid Appeal Characters That Kids Fucking Hate ala Snarf Thundercats or Scrappy Doo. He not only makes a concerted effort to be an actually useful ally, but he's also in fact very self-aware of his status as one of these characters. He knows he screws up a lot but he actually tries to accept responsibility and fix it. It makes me wanna root for the lil dude. Now I understand if someone isn't a fan of the brand of humor he brings to the table, or feel like he's simply a distraction from the Cool Buff Dudes Fighting Each Other, but I hope you can see why he might also be a really appealing character to other people, both kids and adults alike. I mean, he was popular enough to be embedded into the canon despite originating from the cartoon and not the toyline for a reason, after all.

Orko is a fun, entertaining, but also complex, heartwarming, and relatable character. I know there is a faction of people that would disagree with me, but I don't think you need to change him all that much or make him a super serious character to be more appealing. He's already got a lot going on that a writer could easily work with. It all just depends on where you decide to focus. Take a lesson from the show and accept that he's fine just the way he is.

[my-writings-and-musings]

Idea, a group of young human liaisons (late teen/young adult) join the lost light crew and the different crew members essentially adopts them (any bots of your choice)

That's adorable so absolutely yes! I chose the bots I thought most likely to adopt in any capacity.

Tailgate

·Being amongst the tiniest bots on the ship, and having loved human culture whilst never meeting a human, compounds his excitement at their arrival to nearly critical levels. They're so tiny! They can answer all his earth questions! They can go on missions together and he can show them around the galaxy! His first step is to learn how to tell humans apart and to memorize all their names, as well as anything they find important about themselves, so that way they'll feel welcome.

·During this introduction it's revealed these humans are on the younger side, and his reaction immediately becomes one of shock. You're all still little ones?! Not done growing even?! The explanations that human development is quite different fall on deaf audials; he knows what it's like to be small and new in the galaxy, and he won't let anything hurt these protoforms!

·The liaison team now has a permanent guardian, and they quickly learn that his size doesn't tell his full story. Of course, it doesn't hurt that he's still twice the height of the average human, so calling him "tiny" doesn't make much sense to any of them. Being so much taller is something he absolutely adores experiencing for a change, and that combined with his super strength leads to a lot of piggy back rides for the whole crew.

·If anyone, bot or con or whatever, says a mean word to even one of them he's on the warpath. Think you're a big tough guy, huh?! Picking on his little buddies?! Well, he's not gonna give you a chance to pick on somebody your own size! Unless you offer a heartfelt apology, and if the human in question accepts that, then everything is just fine! But he will punch you if he hears this is recurring!

·The various liaisons start referring to him as their "big brother" and once the meaning of that is explained he's absolutely touched. Him? A part of their family? Movie nights henceforth involve him being surrounded by a group of young humans, just chilling around their adoptive older sibling who happens to be six million years old, and should anyone glance at his visor they'll find it absolutely shining in the dim light.

Ratchet

·Having worked with and studied humans of this age group in the past, he's far less upset and far more worried by their arrival, but he pretends he's merely the former. The truth is that he knows their species is especially vulnerable at this age, and getting the rest of the crew to understand that will be an impossible task, even if he asks them to imagine a delicate protoform taking nearly two decades to mature instead of a few hours and to try and comprehend how much trouble that would be.

·His first step is to establish that he's their doctor, one fully capable of handling human medicine, and he quickly catches the rest of his team up to speed. Every medic needs to be able to meet the needs of every crewmember, and these juvenile humans are part of the crew now, as well as their responsibility for the sake of diplomatic relations... Somehow that last part doesn't stress him out in the slightest.

·These humans will quickly find his gruff to be little more than a personality trait. When he's with a patient, specifically one who's a little frightened, his demeanor rapidly softens just as his touch becomes gentle even to a being quite soft and tiny by comparison. For a species not necessarily accustomed to medical care just... whenever they need it, the young liaisons can't help but like him. His reaction to the fact that most humans can't afford medical care is... a very long sigh.

·His attention to these new patients extends well beyond appointment hours, though he does try not to be overbearing. But he just needs to be certain; are they exercising enough? Does the atmosphere of the ship upset their respiratory systems in any way? Is there any chance the modification to the lighting system was ineffective and they're not getting enough vitamin D? Are they eating all their vegetables?!

·It's impossible for the group to ignore the gigantic alien robot very obviously fretting over them like a mother hen, and thus he often gets a "Yes, mom" in response to his queries from them, but in a good natured way. He huffs at first but their genuine appreciation for his efforts is... well, he'd be lying if he said his actions weren't driven by something more than medical duty. Maybe he's the first Cybertronian with a kind of maternal instinct, who knows? What matters is that his "children" are all safe and healthy, and he certainly doesn't start smiling when "Dr. Mom" becomes what he's listed as in their communication contact list.

Ultra Magnus/Minimus Ambus

·Rodimus agreed to this diplomatic mission despite all his warnings (and pleadings) to say no and find some other way to encourage a good relationship between the species. He has experience with humans, specifically of this exact age range, and while that relationship is one he treasures he's not looking to put any humans in potential danger again. He is, of course, duly ignored and the group is brought on board.

·For the sake of fostering a welcoming and structured environment, he memorizes their names in advance and has them all come to his office for an abridged two hour orientation on the ship and its rules. Knowing they have to be on the move often for neurological development is the only reason he doesn't keep them for a proper five hour orientation. It goes relatively well, but he's less distressed by their lack of attention than he is by how intimidating they seem to find him.

·For some reason this bothers him, no matter how fine he is with bots finding him to be frightening, seeing humans flinch from his presence actually hurts him. So he endeavors to be... friendly! If he earned the nickname "Uncle Magnus" with one human, he can do it again! The best strategy he can think of isn't actually that off base; he'll try to mentor them in their individual pursuits. Dropping down in height whenever he can, typically by getting on a knee to ensure he doesn't tower over them, also proves to be a big help.

·Initially he's determined to keep his Minimus self hidden from them completely, down to the very existence of his split identity. It's less about size, as even his most base form still stands well above the tallest liason, than it is about respect. He wants to be an inspiration to these little ones, and Ultra Magnus is obviously the more impressive of the two. It's only once one particularly affectionate liaison gives him a hug, or more accurately an attempt at one around his offered hand, that he feels compelled to reconsider.

·It makes him nervous for weeks, contemplating the potential fallout of being honest with them, and how it could ruin everything... In the end he blames his own moral compass for forcing him to be honest. He gathers the liaisons together and explains the entirety of his identity in detail, taking all of their questions and praying he won't see any kind of disappointment, before finally removing his armor and "introducing" them to Minimus. The reaction is far from negative. There are exclamations of "botception" and "nesting dolls" in the wild surprise that follows, but nothing that could even be interpreted as dissapoint, and in fact the young humans are only that much more amazed by their "Uncle Minimags". It takes everything he is not to cry.

Swerve

·He knows enough about human culture to have seen that this particular age group tends to party, and is also way more likely to enjoy pop culture, so he's delighted when they join up. Of course he introduces himself, but he doesn't need to mention much more than his bar before he has their full attention and fascination. The Manhattan sized spaceship run by giant alien robots has a bar?! They're all begging to see it and he's so thrilled he forgets he can transform and runs there with them.

·Their amazement only doubles when night comes and they get to see the place in full swing, but he makes sure they're safely seated on the bar itself, to avoid squishing. As always he's able to chat endlessly to these new arrivals, and his knowledge of human culture quite surprises them. Even if there's a fair amount he doesn't know, the fact that he's aware of anything at all shocks them.

·The rush to get him caught up is a shared effort between the liaisons. Does he know what social media is? Would he like to have an account? For once he's the overwhelmed one and he has to work to keep up with everything they give him, but the attention and genuine interest these little humans have in his thoughts and experiences is... it's a good thing he's got some help around the bar to help him stay caught up. Because these little sort of protoforms have convinced him to get Twitter.

·Movie nights become so massive they actually have to consider expanding the bar. Not only are old movies watched, but all the latest releases as well, some as soon as they're in theaters because look they know it's not technically legal but it's promoting good diplomacy so... However, even when he starts serving and mixing human alcohol, he's quite firm on requiring the humans who drink it to be of age. There's still fun drinks for the younger ones though.

·The humans bond with other bots, but as their first contact on the ship and the most fun he's always got a few of them by his side. Maybe he's just better with other species? He doesn't really know or care, but somehow when there's a little moment and they all take a selfie together he just... he just feels not alone. It's something he keeps a little on the down low, but he's a bit too easy to read for the humans not to notice, and since they're good kids they pretend it's a secret that they mean the world to him. On especially rowdy nights they even help clean up, and each human develops their own little nickname for him, making it less like he adopts them and much more like they adopt him.

Whirl

·Humans come in fun size too? Neat! But he's admittedly a tad curious when their age is explained and he realizes that, in their own super weird alien way, these are still protoforms. Something almost akin to worry flashes in his spark for an instant. Still, he plays it cool when they're brought on board, pretending to be no more interested than any other bot they're introduced to.

·Before he meets them, he's told quite firmly that these humans are to be protected at all costs, and that any behavior seen as antagonizing in the slightest will be punished. He ensures the top bots he's no Decepticon and that squishies aren't on his radar. But he's admittedly a little concerned that they'll notice his... peculiarities. His own species recoils at his appearance, and while he can handle that, getting it from aliens would be unpleasant.

·But there's no such reaction. They ask him his name, share theirs, and react with the same enthusiasm they do to every bot and even ask the same questions. It's pleasantly surprising, until they all get excited upon his description of his alt mode, at which point it's freaking fantastic. It's with pride that he confirms he's the only flying bot on the crew, and when he's immediately corrected by a random passerby, he explains that he meant the only one who could fly worth a damn. He's greeted by a chorus of laughter for his amazing joke and he vows that he'd die for each and every one of these little squishies.

·All it takes is one hint of a request and he's offering to take them all for a lift through the hangar. This is just the beginning of an impossibly interesting friendship. Eventually he just carries them all around in his cockpit whenever they're walking anywhere, or on his shoulders if they won't all fit, and either way there's a row of humans sitting across him. This friendship is why he's so mortified when his identity of an Empurata is accidentally revealed and the questions begin.

·He reluctantly answers and braces for the impending disgust or revulsion to realize he's been mutilated. But it never comes. Instead, there's genuine sympathy and anger on his behalf, and their little hands reach out to comfort him. Initially he can only be awed. How are these little, fragile, and oh so very young protoforms better than so many members of his species?! Does it matter? They shall be called; "The Whirl Scouts", trademark pending. They'll all have to be trained in combat for their own safety, and he will be their mom now, because he won't just die for them he'll kill for them. They're his kids and his family.

[bentforkent]

to the moon and to saturn - chapter one

spencer reid x fem!reader

navigation and summary 

word count: 2753

no content warnings 

next chapter

seven

“you’re boring.”

“no, i’m not, y/n!”

“you never want to play pirates with me!”

spencer’s hair is long and his glasses are sliding down his nose. the light seeping into y/n’s room from her large bay window is muted by the white sheet covering it. the sheet rests precariously over a chair, forming a blanket fort carefully engineered by spencer, and haphazardly constructed by y/n. there are throw pillows tossed throughout the fort, and spencer makes an attempt to straighten them whenever he gets the chance.  whenever he comes to y/n’s house, ringing her doorbell with a backpack full of books, they work together to add on to their secret hideaway. the white sheet is the newest addition, especially designed to let more natural light into the blanket burg. this follows a poor mishap where a lamp y/n had left on too long burnt a hole through her carpet.

previously, the pair had constructed a stuffed animal room, a reading corner, a designated snack area. y/n’s starting to run out of linens. the fort has been standing for weeks now, y/n’s parents very rarely involved enough to enter her room, giving her and spencer free reign to create their own imaginary worlds to play in undisturbed.

except spencer, with all his practicality, isn’t particularly adept at the “playing in imaginary worlds” part. y/n can’t comprehend that. it’s simple for her to slip into a different universe, enjoyable, even. she’s begged spencer to play mermaids, bank robbers, fbi agents, firefighters, princesses---you name it. spencer indulges her for the most part, but y/n can always tell that he’s not that into it. he’s much fonder of tucking into some obscure poetry book, reading aloud when y/n requests. she never comprehends much of what he’s saying, but he reads so confidently that it fills her with glee anyways.  

for seven year olds, it’s clear to outsiders that they both don’t quite act their age. y/n, with her big doe eyes, dreams too much, her escapism both her greatest asset and most fatal flaw. spencer’s a stickler to the realistic, his pragmatic nature an unconscious choice that gives him a beautiful worldview but will make him grow up too fast. for now, though, the children don’t worry about that. they worry solely about balancing each other out and the purity that comes with being in youth.

y/n is splayed on her back on the floor of the fort, where her scratchy carpet is covered with a fluffy pink blanket. her hair fans out around her head in a halo. spencer’s physics book is closed and set gently in the corner, and he’s attempting to braid a small chunk of y/n’s hair. “pirates is my least favorite game,” he says.

“what about knights?” y/n angles herself to look back at him. she’s far too young to execute a soul searching gaze, but the way her eyes strain to scan his face comes close. she takes note of his facial expression giving away his inner thoughts. the way his lip quirks up indicates that he definitely does not want to play knights with the girl in front of him, but the softness in his eyes tells y/n that she’s won.

without another word, they crawl out from their blanket fort and jump onto the bed. “my armor is blue,” y/n says, unsheathing an imaginary sword and holding it up in joust. “knight armor was typically made of iron or steel, and there was no way to make it blue in the late 15th century,” spencer piped up, mirroring her actions. he likes playing at y/n’s house. his parents would never let him jump on the bed. y/n’s parents let the two of them do a lot of things, spencer thinks, and he’s never heard them fight like his parents do either.

“cool, spencer!” y/n says enthusiastically. she’s always enthusiastic when he tells her a fact, even though she rarely really understands him. she knows people are terrible to spencer because of his intellect, and had made a pact with herself when they first became friends that she would never ever ever be mean to spencer for being smart. “we can pretend, though. yours can be blue too!”

“okay,” he replies, and y/n begins to coach him through the game, attempting to loosen him up a bit. they play, bouncing around on the bed and wielding fake medieval weapons until the sun begins to go down and spencer remarks that he needs to go home before dark or his mom will be upset.

y/n reluctantly lets him leave, knowing that he has a lot less fun at his house, but finding comfort in the fact that he’ll come back the next day.

spencer and y/n spend every day together, without fail. they’re young, and they don’t know much about life, but they know that they’re the only people for each other. they’ve been inseparable since y/n had toddled into spencer’s first grade class and heard him reciting a john lyngate poem. her favorite book at that time was a brightly colored picture book, so she was both fascinated and confused by the boy in glasses in front of her. that day, they’d sat together on the bus and chatted the whole way home. the pure elation that occurred when the children realized they shared the same bus stop was unmatched. y/n, who’d just moved to las vegas, was relieved she’d met a friend in her new hometown.

she didn’t really meet any other friends after associating herself with spencer. he’d warned her that being his best friend was basically social suicide, but y/n was already attached to him like superglue. once, a girl in their class had tried to invite y/n to sit with her at lunch. the girl not-so-subtly made it clear that spencer was not invited to the table, and y/n had shut that down quickly with a swift spoonful of red jell-o down her shirt. spencer decided then that red jell-o was his favorite.

to sum it all up, in super simple terms, y/n and spencer were close. and everyone in their town knew it, including their parents, although both sets of adults were generally nonplussed about what their children were involved in as long as they were alive and surviving.

y/n’s parents aren’t neglectful, per se. she’d just had to learn how to fend for herself very early on. y/n’s existence had been an accident, and although she didn’t know that in explicit terms, it wasn’t hard to figure out based on the lack of maternal instincts from her mother. y/n’s mother sat on the back porch of their house a lot, looking out at their tiny, barren backyard with a cigarette in hand. her father went away on many business trips, coming back to greet the family only with a pat on y/n’s head before he padded up to the bedroom to slip into bed. one day, y/n would realize the intensity of the mental health problems both of her parents were suffering from, but as a child, the adults in her life just felt far away.

spencer’s parents were similar in a sense that they weren’t the best. rather than the silence that settled over y/n’s house, his home filled with argument. it’s why he found solace with y/n, with their blanket fort. y/n’d offered to let him live with them constantly, but spencer couldn’t leave his mother. his father? he couldn’t care less. but his mother...as much as spencer longs to spend his days curled up in y/n’s bed, reading, he knows above anything else, he’s got to protect his mother.

after closing the door behind spencer, y/n skips to the kitchen to pour herself a drink. her and spencer had made fresh lemonade the day before, squeezing lemons y/n had stolen from her neighbor’s tree. spencer had been in charge of the sugar, and he’d added way too much. the pair tried it, though, and liked the super sweet taste.

y/n fills her glass with ice, having to stand on her tippy toes to reach it in the freezer. after the cup is filled with the sugary beverage, she takes a second to peer out of the window and check on her mom outside. y/n expected to find her in her usual plastic chair, cloud of smoke encircling her. but she wasn’t there. this was odd. she sets her sweating glass down on the table, and wanders upstairs to get a location on her mother.

loud moans float down from the top of the stairs, and y/n, ever naive, follows the sound to its source. the stairs creak under her feet, her house old and probably close to crumbling. y/n pushes the door to her parents’ room open with both hands, and is immediately sick at the sight. at seven years old, she doesn’t fully understand what’s happening, but she knows that whatever she is seeing is wrong.

william reid, spencer’s father, is laid naked next to her mother, also fully exposed. they’re startled by the door opening, shocked to see young y/n standing there, witnessing their adultery. the three of them are in a trance, suspended in surprise. y/n’s brain is moving a mile a minute, she knows, but she can’t seem to form any cohesive thoughts except “this is not right.”  it feels like forever that y/n is holding eye contact with william before her mother speaks. “y/n,” she starts, but y/n doesn’t stick around to hear the end of the sentence. she’s out of the bedroom and out of the house in 30 seconds flat.

as she runs down the suburban street, she’s barely aware of the tears rolling down her cheeks or the pain in her feet. she’d forgotten shoes. she runs, runs, runs, hair flowing behind her. she runs until her thoughts catch up to her. where can she go? she realizes that her body had been taking her straight to spencer’s house, but she couldn’t. how could she look him in the eye? how could she tell him that her own mother is responsible for his family falling apart? how could she ever even be near him again? stopping in the middle of the road, y/n lets out an anguished scream. a ferocious scream. a scream that claws its way out of her chest. and then, sufficiently exhausted by both her physical activity and her emotional despair, she turns back the way she came and begins to trek back towards her house.

- - - - - -

“penny, i have no clue how you do your job,” y/n says, handing the blonde woman before her a hot macchiato in a to-go cup.

her hair is longer now, her eyes more weary. the wonder she felt as a child is long gone, sucked out of her on that fateful night. y/n hardly thinks about it anymore, but that night after she had gone home, her mother made her pack her bags and took her as far away from vegas as possible. as far away from spencer as possible. she never saw him again. it’s been almost twenty years since she’d last seen the geeky boy. the loss of her childhood best friend was a dull wound now, one tucked safely in the back of her subconscious. sometimes she wonders how he turned out, but their time together feels more like a dream than a memory.

y/n moved away from her parents as soon as she turned 18, straight to washington d.c.. with no money, no degree, no friends or family, y/n turned to her work. she got a job in a tiny coffee shop, and the elderly lady who owned it took her under her wing. her name was janice, and she was an old, childless widow. y/n’s kind disposition filled a void janice had given up on trying to fill, and the two became a fierce pair. janice provided y/n with the apartment above the shop, higher-than-minimum wage, and when janice passed five years later, y/n inherited the coffee shop itself. she’d been owning and running it ever since.

it was at this shop that she met penelope garcia. penelope frequented the kitschy coffee place before work, and had gained quite the soft spot for the raven-haired owner. the two of them chatted every morning as y/n flitted around behind the counter, making whatever caffeine-filled concoction penelope had ordered. eventually, their friendship progressed past casual small talk at y/n’s work into wine-filled sleepover nights at their apartments.

“my job is hard, my friend,” penelope replies, shuddering. “some of the stuff i see gives me the heebie jeebies.”

“yeah, like dead bodies.” y/n turns and begins making her own personal coffee to start the day, penelope leaning on the counter in front of her. “heebie jeebies is an understatement!” y/n faces penelope again and grins, pouring copious amounts of sugar into a mug that janice had used while running the café.

“you know, y/n, i only know one other person in the world that takes that much sugar in their coffee,” penelope remarks while she watches the barista stir her obscenely sweet coffee with a wooden stirrer.

“hmm, they must be my soulmate, then,” y/n says. penelope’s ears perk up at that. she makes her way to the door, and y/n raises her mug in lieu of a wave. “have fun at work, pen! see you at your place tonight! i’ll bring wine!” penelope responds with a witty goodbye and heads to work, just the jingle of the bells on the door to signify she was ever there.

-----

penelope saunters into the behavioral analysis unit office 30 minutes later, cup of coffee long empty. “good morning, babygirl,” derek says.

“i’ll show you a good morning, hot stuff,” penelope deadpans, walking through the bullpen to greet all of her coworkers. penelope’s so bright that she immediately lights up the dreary BAU.

“spencer!” she calls, prompting the shaggy haired doctor to look up from his desk.

“good morning, garcia,” he says with a small wave.

“this morning, i got coffee at my favorite place,” penelope begins to gush, “and the barista puts just as much sugar in her coffee as you do!”

spencer doesn't understand why garcia is telling him this until she continues.

“this particular barista happens to be super cute and also one of my closest friends.”

spencer shakes his head with a laugh. “no, garcia, i’m not letting you set me up again.”

“okay, the first one was not good, i’ll admit.” she perches on the edge of his desk.

“but i actually know this girl! and i love her!”

spencer shakes his head again, giving penelope a light, joking push off of her seat. “no,” he emphasizes, and garcia gives him a dramatic sigh.

“okay,” she says, dragging out the word. “i’m going to go to my lair now to give you time to

think about it.” she presses a kiss to the top of his head, and with a ruffle of his hair, she floats to her office.

i’ll convince him, she thinks. i mean, how could i not? coffee aside, the kids are perfect for each other. she doesn’t know how she missed the blatant similarities between them. penelope’s usually very perceptive, and that makes her really good at setting people up. i might as well be cupid, she thinks, except for that one date i’d sent spencer on. she chooses to ignore that one. a minor lapse in judgement.

penelope pulls out her phone to text y/n.

penelope (7:56): y/n, my love, my light, i have found the most perfect guy for you

y/n (7:57): no penny, not again

y/n (7:57): remember the last date you set me up on?

oh yeah, penelope remembers. she’d sent both of her friends on two completely separate, shitty dates. maybe cupid wasn’t the best nickname for her.

penelope (7:59): you’re right. ugh. ix-nay on that idea then

she attaches a lot of sad emojis, then tucks her phone away. there goes that. penelope tucks that idea away, into the depths of her brain, and forgets about it.

[clan-sayeed-fic]

Do you love the blood on my hands? (Kamilah Sayeed & MC)

Reposting because of the issue with tags.

Book: Bloodbound (property of Pixelberry Studios)

Pairing: Kamilah Sayeed & MC: Amy (I do not own those characters, they’re the property of Pixelberry Studios as well)

❗ Warnings: angst, strong language, illustrative descriptions of situations full of violence and brutality, might cause distress ❗ Rating: Mature (no doubts about that) Author’s note:  I’m not a native English speaker, I’m sorry for any mistakes (feel free to correct me).

As usual, I might have exaggerated a little bit in the warnings, but I want you to think twice before reading, rather than be responsible for your anxiety later.

This whole one-shot is focusing on Kamilah Sayeed. My main goal was trying to understand the work she had to put in herself and struggles that she faced along with it. To show her transformation from a person that was under Gaius's influence, to the one we get to know when our character meets her in Bloodbound for the first time. Pixelberry Studios showed us our MC's impact on Kamilah throughout the story, but the question remains, what was before that?

I mean, who else would try to write a whole character development in the one-shot fic haha geez, I'm a joke to myself. But at least you have the answer to why this story is so long, and I hope it'll keep you interested from the beginning to its end 💕

~ 3000 words

---------------------------

Do you love the blood on my hands?

"You never talk about it."

Words slipped out, getting caught by the air in a flash. As if the world feared that the owner would change her mind, trying to take them back.

The sentence managed to fly ahead, led by the wind in this marvelous evening. Finally, it reached the woman in a burgundy suit standing on the shore. She turned her head a little on the sound of the hushed tones. The brightness of the sun hit behind her, making her figure cut out in comparison to the picturesque sky. She was like a goddess captured by the artist with brush strokes on the background of a peaceful ocean.

"Have you just read my mind, love?" corners of Kamilah's mouth curled up hardly noticeable, her posture full of dignity.

She didn't get to hear the answer, because at that moment the sky absorbed their full attention. Rays of sunshine won their fight between the clouds, reaching the Earth as they desired it all along. The intensity of the light made water shine as if it was covered in millions of diamonds. Both women got lost in that view, admiring it in silence.

Admiring it together.

"I..." Amy smiled, her cheeks took one of the colors straight from the sky. "Sometimes, your thoughts scream so loud, it's hard for me to not listen to them."

The woman turned around fully, facing her beloved one. Warm shades of sunset brightened the dark brown tones of her hair. Her skin shined along with the ocean, making the view truly breathtaking.

"Care to tell what do they scream?" Kamilah sent the girl a soft smile, trying to ease the tension.

They were scratching the surface of her past like the sun that was teasing their skin. It was their favorite part of the day since Amy was turned into a vampire. And that weekend, they were grateful to admire it on the beach while listening to the soothing sounds of water.

"How badly you hate yourself," Amy whispered in response.

Kamilah sighed slightly at those words, at the issue she was avoiding for a lifetime. The one she was keeping inside, not showing her true feelings to anyone. But something about this scenery made her lower her guard as her mind escaped to former times.

"One thought keeps coming back to me since the day I've refused to follow Gaius's orders," Kamilah's stare was empty.

She made her way toward the girl sitting on the ground. Blond strands of her hair were gleaming on top of golden tones of the sand. Her green eyes were standing out among this refined game of colors.

"What thought?" Amy asked, watching her wife closely.

"That there is a huge difference between creating a monster..." She sat down and looked at the clouds as if she prayed that they would cleanse her soul. "And letting someone make a monster out of you."

The guilt took over her body as the words were spoken aloud for the first time. The moment she wanted to close inside herself again, she felt a hand on her back. It was moving slowly up and down, easing woman's pain and adding courage at once. She turned her head at this gesture to look at the girl sitting beside her.

The most powerful ray of sunshine locked in the form of a person.

"I killed people, Amy," her tone was speaking by itself as if she already passed herself a death sentence. "I killed innocents... men and women... old and young... adults and... children."

A single tear flowed down her cheek. And before anyone could catch it, it fell on the sand, burying itself between grains, ashamed of the world to notice it.

To spot this sign of absolute vulnerability.

"I know," Amy's voice cut through the silence. "I know you did all of that, Kamilah," she placed one of her hands under woman's chin. "But I chose my side a long time ago," their eyes met.

The sky above them was slowly losing all the values. As if along with the tones of pinks, blues and brighter, oranges and yellows, all the hope disappeared.

"Amy, don't..." her voice broke. "Don't act like you see the chance for redemption for me," she moved her face away, avoiding her wife's gaze.

"Why not?" Amy's voice was like the opposite of Kamilah's, full of faith.

"Because I don't deserve it," a whisper in response with growing outrage in her tone. "Because you can't possibly comprehend what a cruel person I was back then," she looked at those green, light eyes, with the darkness inside her own.

They were left alone on the shore. But there was much more to both of them than to the entire crowd of people.

"Exactly, so let me see it by myself," Amy lifted her hand for the woman to take it.

"I can't," Kamilah shook her head in despair. "I can't take you there."

Her voice grew weaker with every word. As if the last piece of her spirit was shying away from her body. It was making its way on the sky, resting there in the form of stars, gleaming from above.

"Just let me in," Amy said, keeping her hand lifted, the offer still open. "And I'll do the rest."

Despite the previous hesitation, the moment her eyes met again with Amy's, Kamilah had no doubts left. It felt so natural. To entrust her memories and darkest secrets with the love of her life.

So she placed her hand on top of hers. And a spark traveled through both of them right after their skin grazed.

Some indefinable power took them inside Kamilah's mind. On a journey, leading them toward the darkness that was impossible to avoid there.

***

Taste of blood.

Liquid of the intense shade of red was slowly running down from the corner of the woman's mouth. She pulled back from her victim, just to admire the sensation for a tiny bit longer. To cherish the feeling of his mortal body weakening in her embrace.

She felt more powerful than ever. The life of innocents in her hands. The same ones from which the blood was dripping on the ground at her feet.

It was up to her how many of those villagers died that night. How much pain they did suffer before that happened. How loud their screams were when she was ripping them apart.

Her creator Gaius enjoyed them screaming loud. He absolutely loved performing a show for those who dared to enter the village during the attack. Who considered themselves strong enough to fight back.

And finally, for those who ended bowing before him and begging for mercy.

Mercy that they were never about to get from this man. Because hope was like a toy in his hands. Known as the greatest weapon of all times.

"How does it taste, my queen?" man's voice echoed behind her.

But the woman that Amy was observing on the side didn't answer. Instead, she dipped her fangs in the neck of the young man, sucking the life out of him. For a second, his body moved in convulsion, just to lay down still on the ground after she was finished.

Just to join the rest of the dead bodies that were spread all over the village.

"It tastes like fear," Kamilah stood up, looking at the victim with disgust. "I hate drinking the blood of cowards."

Amy lifted her hands to her own mouth, trying to hold back a scream. The scenery around her seemed to be cut out straight from the horror movie. And yet, it was the past of her beloved one.

The intensity of the pain that she sensed from this place outgrew her worst expectations. The whole memory was filled with darkness and cruelty, which she was able to experience by watching the death of innocents.

"I'm aware that's not up to our standards," the man moved closer to Kamilah. "But we will get what we deserve," he cleaned the blood around her mouth. "We will take over the world," a sly smile appeared on his face.

"Together."

***

"No, please," Kamilah cried out, trying to push the girl away. "You were supposed to look at this, not me."

"Kamilah," she kept her eyes closed, trying to maintain the connection. "I don't want to force you into seeing this, but I really think you should."

The woman was drowning in the ocean, filled with guilt and embarrassment. The walls she built around herself for hundreds of years were slowly falling apart as she was left with no other choice than to give up.

"I can't face him. I can't meet the people I've murdered," she wept in desperation once again.

"Trust me, please," tears started flowing down Amy's cheeks as her own feelings linked to Kamilah's. She managed to keep herself focused when the command left her mouth, "now, we're going to walk."

They stood up slowly on the sand, while their spirits jumped into the next memory.

***

Bloodshed.

A stranger flew over the tables, landing on the other end of the bar. Loud coughing filled the room along with the pungent scent of blood, which hit Amy's nose rapidly. She looked around, taking in the surroundings of the scene.

Wooden chairs and tables were broken, spread all over the floor in the place she found herself in. She spotted an enormous amount of shattered glass. Alcohol was flowing down of the broken bottles, dripping on the floor.

Getting mixed up with the blood that once was running in the veins of those people. Humans that were stiff on the floor in unnatural positions, lacking any form of life.

"Just get it over already!" a loud scream echoed inside the building.

A throaty voice was coming from a middle-aged man, probably a bartender. He was the owner of this cursed place that unluckily happened to be the next destination of a Vampire Queen's crusade.

The woman moved forward, getting rid of the tables on her way with just one hand as if their weight meant nothing for her. Her eyes were flashing with the intense shade of crimson at anyone who dared to look at her directly.

"What are you?!" the bartender managed to lift himself up with difficulty, spitting out blood. "Who the fuck kills so many people in just a few seconds?!"

He was staying upright in front of her. As if the image he witnessed, the woman with red eyes and fangs, made no impression on him. As if seeing the death of his friends and customers was enough to make him believe in anything.

To make peace with the upcoming end.

"I believe it should be the last of your concerns," Kamilah whispered in her icy tone.

Amy watched the woman moving closer to the victim. She quickly recognized her fully prepared for attack posture.

"You kill me, and then what?" Thoughts escaped to his family, "you will deprive my wife of a husband, my children of a father," his voice broke along with his spirit. "You will be the one to bear the guilt of this for eternity."

Amy noticed a tiny difference in the expression on Kamilah's face. At the same moment, she sensed the change that occurred in the whole memory. The darkness associated with it seemed to fade away as the lightness peeked into it.

Her wife's features softened like those words moved something inside her. As if Kamilah didn't even consider this possibility before. As if the idea of suffering the consequences wasn't meant for her.

But as soon as the metamorphosis appeared, the equally fast it vanished into thin air.

"Maybe I will," she said, tilting her head to the side, licking her lips. "But as you so rightly pointed out," she reached the man, tightening the grip on his throat. "You're going to be long dead until then."

***

"I can't," the woman kept begging, sweat on her forehead.

Their feet touched the water that appeared to be salvation at that very moment. The ocean was cooling them both down, strengthening the connection as they were falling further into its grasp. The sky above them became dark far sooner, and the moon stayed as their only companion in this journey for forgiveness.

"One more," Amy's voice slipped away, wandering on the surface of the water.

It was fading away little by little, the same as her presence until darkness fell on them this one last time.

***

Blood lust.

She tried her best to regain control, to follow Adrian's rules. To cut down drinking blood to just from those who agreed on it. And never to the point of killing a person.

Humans are our priority, we need to protect them.

Those were Adrian's words that kept flashing back as she was holding the woman pinned against the wall in the dark alley. All weak and miserable, not able to struggle, to fight back. The only thing left was to kill her, to take the sip of the blood she desired so badly.

Kamilah lost her battle once more.

She remembered going outside for a walk as she always did after the sun went down. And it must have happened again, she must have blacked out. And as every time before, she snapped out of it right before causing another death.

At the very moment, she wasn't able to control herself anymore.

She needed to feed, she wanted to kill.

Amy was standing on the other side of the alley, watching her in silence. She was so sure that this memory was crucial in the journey on which she took Kamilah with herself. She wanted to believe that it was the moment of her change.

An actual call for redemption.

"Mommy?" a faint voice reached them from behind.

"Sweetheart..." the woman managed to cough up, her vocal cords were struggling under the grip. "Don't...please...run...away!"

But her attempts went to waste since Kamilah turned around immediately, facing the little girl. She let go of her previous victim, not bothering about the intensity of the fall that fractured her ribs. The vision went blurry before the woman's eyes, but she gathered all the strength she had left and focused on saving her daughter.

"Stay away from her!" a heartbreaking scream traveled through the alley.

But Kamilah kept getting closer to the child, moving smoothly and quietly like a predator approaching its prey. But this time, something seemed wrong. With each step, thirst for blood was weakening, along with the realization that was forming itself inside her head.

"Mommy?" the same word, followed by growing fear.

The little girl in front of Kamilah might have been six years old at best. She was too young and innocent to understand what was happening there.

But at the same time, old enough to stay by her mother's side. Old enough to show loyalty and understand love.

Love...

"Please, don't harm her," the woman cried out, unable to move.

That's when something moved inside Kamilah's heart.

The guilt spread all over her chest. Years of killing... thousandths of victims...

It all hit her at once, forcing her legs to bend. Her body to fall on the knees before this little human being.

She got lost in the view of those teary eyes of the child. The ones in which she saw something she had never considered before... a future.

A life that she had the power to end,

to step on,

crush it completely, leaving nothing behind.

And this power frightened Kamilah for the first time.

For the first time, she showed mercy.

***

"It's over," Amy held the woman sobbing in her arms.

The ocean was reflecting the beauty of this starry night in its smooth like a mirror surface. Accepting all the tears, letting them mix with the water, to pass into oblivion.

"You saw me there," Kamilah said, pulling back. "You saw what a monster I am," she swallowed, feeling the blood of the people she killed in her throat.

The girl moved her hand slowly to Kamilah's face, choosing silence. She caressed her cheek with tenderness, feeling the tension leaving her wife's body under her touch.

"I saw much more," Amy's voice was shaky, but she knew what needed to be said. "I can't deny the truth, Kamilah. You caused the suffering of many people," she found woman's hands under the water. "But their deaths must not be in vain. You can make them mean something, and you're already doing that."

"How..." Kamilah's eyes were letting go of all tears that she held back for such a long time.

"You've changed," Amy lifted their hands above the water, fingers entwined. "You've saved a lot of people, you've saved me. And those hands," she lifted them higher. "The blood will keep showing up, reminding about itself," their eyes met, shining like stars. "But I'm here to help you wash it off every single time it happens."

Amy kissed the knuckles of her wife's hands. She moved on the top of it, leaving the path of soft kisses on her skin. Her tears were flowing down as if they were the key to wash away all the guilt.

To bring peace, even for a moment.

"We can do this," Amy looked at her with eyes full of understanding and patience. "Together."

Kamilah took in what she had heard hundreds of years before. The letters that preached to be the beginning of her dream life but in the end turned out to be poisonous.

That time she knew it would be different. She trusted with all her heart that her wish would be fulfilled.

So a single word slipped out, drifting on the surface of the ocean to reach her beloved.

"Together."

[cosmicjoke]

Ash and his consistent lack of hate

It is an important point in understanding Ash’s character to acknowledge and examine his consistent lack of malice in everything he does, even when committing acts of violence.  He isn’t at all a hateful person, and this is an important and defining character trait which has a direct impact on his decisions and the events that eventually unfold within the story.  When you take into consideration all that Ash has been through, the extraordinary depth of suffering he has lived through in his young life, the absence of hate in his heart is all the more astonishing, and you understand then this lack of hatefulness can only be natural within him for it to endure through such overwhelming pain.

More striking still for how you realize all of Ash’s enemies are driven and consumed by their own hatred, in one form or another, motivated by their inherent cruelty, twisted desires, and self-serving ambition, while Ash himself never displays any sense of real venom or hatred, even towards those who have committed unspeakably horrific acts against him.

Certainly, Ash feels anger, even rage, towards those who have repeatedly and unforgivably wronged him, but never actual hate.

Let me explain.

Let’s start at the beginning.

Ash first kills at the age of eight.  It is the desperate act of a child forced to defend himself after the abject failure of the adults around him to protect him against the horrific sexual abuse he’s suffered at the hands of a monster meant to serve as a role model and guardian himself. First, in the police, the supposed representatives of “justice”, refusing to believe Ash, before outright blaming him for it happening, accusing an eight year old child of “seducing” his abuser.  And then in Ash’s own father, failing to keep his own son safe, allowing the abuse to go on, again and again, for who even knows how long.

Ash later tells Eiji that he cried afterward, because he didn’t feel anything while he did it, but Ash’s very admission at having cried contradicts this claim.  He felt deeply over the act he’d just been forced to commit, an act Ash was too young to fully comprehend the meaning of, too young to grasp it’s full implications, either for himself or anyone else, but upset enough by it to reduce him to tears afterward.  The fact that Ash cried at all over having killed a man who repeatedly and brutally raped and molested him and who would have eventually killed him, given the numerous other children he had already murdered, is remarkable.  There was no malice behind Ash’s act.  No hatred.  No pleasure.  No satisfaction.  Ash didn’t kill the baseball coach out of a sense of revenge, or because he wanted to. He killed him because he had no choice. He killed him, because nobody else was able to protect him.  Because he was an eight year old boy who simply wanted the pain to stop.  It was purely an act of self-defense.  

This connects to later on in the story, and to Ash’s relationship with his father.  

Ash has every reason and right to hate his father.  Firstly, for how James Callenreese was so neglectful and uncaring a parent when Ash was born and growing up, that he would have starved to death if Griffin hadn’t stepped up and taken responsibility for his care.  Secondly, for how it was essentially James’ fault that Ash ended up alone, at the age of eight, on the streets of New York, only to be found and captured by a twisted pedophile in Marvin, again repeatedly and brutally raped, passed along to Frog to have more of the same done by him, before being sold to another pedophile in Dino, and into an underground child sex trafficking ring, only for the abuse to continue on like that for years and years more, before he’s forced into a life of crime and violence, out on the streets again. And then, when at last Ash returns home to Cape Cod after ten years of this absolute nightmare of abuse and suffering, he is greeted by his father calling him a “whore”, accusing Ash’s friends of being “clients” of his, and proceeding to then tell Ash to “get out”. Real father of the year material here.

And yet, despite all of that, and it is a LOT, Ash doesn’t hate his father.  Why?  Because Ash, at his fundamental core, is a good person.

Ash never shows any hatred, not even any real anger towards his father, despite the utterly blatant verbal and emotional abuse James lays on him, refusing to take the bait of his father’s petty tactics of hurling insults and accusations, blaming Ash for everything that’s happened to him, because he’s too much of a coward himself to face his own guilt and accept his own role and responsibility in his son ending up like he has.  Ash only responds to James’ cruelty with a quiet resignation and acceptance of his father’s rejection and hostility, telling his friends to forget it when they express shocked horror at James’ treatment of his son, and promising to leave once he gets what he came for from the other house on the property.  Later, when James is shot, Ash shows genuine pain and concern for him, and breaks down into tears when he’s forced to flee and leave his injured father behind.  He forgives his father for his weakness and his cowardice, and doesn’t hold his rejection of Ash against him, despite, again, having every reason and right to hate the man.  Ash, in spite of it all, still loves his father, in defiance of all the pain the man has caused him.

This is a truly extraordinary display of kindheartedness on Ash’s part.  A testament to the astounding goodness innate to him.

And that innate goodness which so characterizes who Ash really is continues on in him, even as he’s thrust into a nightmarish hellscape of violence, cruelty and savagery.  

The next example to look at as proof of Ash’s inherent goodness, is the conflict between him and Arthur.

The first conflict between them arises when Arthur sets Ash up to be sent to Juvenile Detention, and then proceeds to bribe another inmate to try and kill Ash for him.  Arthur tires with very real intent to kill Ash, because of the assumption that Ash is, one day in the future, going to be a threat to him and his claim to power among the youth gangs of New York.  Because of Ash’s natural abilities and intelligence, he can see how others are just naturally drawn to this young fifteen year old boy, inclined to follow him, and he wants to eliminate Ash before his own crew members start ditching him for someone better.  He does this, even though Ash has never actually done anything to hurt Arthur up to this point. This fact is really important to note.  While in Juvie, Ash, due to those natural abilities Arthur so feared, begins to attract the other street kids to him, without even wanting it or having to try. Ash makes no attempt to win their loyalty or alliance, and is made uncomfortable when they start to give it to him, because it isn’t something he ever strove for or wanted.  Not something he ever intended to gain.  Ash shows no ambition towards that goal, and it’s even mentioned more than once by Dino in the story that Ash has never shown any real ambition or desire to be a gang boss.  The other streets kids, therefor, give him their loyalty of their own volition. They realize, after Ash’s fight with Frankie and his crew in the library, that Ash is superior, and capable of protecting them, and so they start to follow him around, aligning themselves with him, forming a gang around him.  

Eventually, more and more street punks choose Ash as their leader, and you have to assume, by the time he gets out of Juvie, he’s got a fairly sizable crew of street kids ready to follow him wherever he goes and in whatever he does.  Again, it’s vitally important to note that Ash didn’t choose this.  It instead chose him.  Ash accepts this responsibility placed on him by the other street kids, because the real reason they’ve chosen him is because they think he can protect them and keep them safe.  

This new reality for him, and the attempt to kill Ash, of course, leads to an eventual, unavoidable one on one confrontation between him and Arthur.  Ash wins.  At this point, Ash has every right to kill Arthur.  Not only would it be accepted, but it would be expected by the other street punks, and would also prove to be of great benefit to Ash, both in eliminating a legitimate threat against himself and in solidifying his newly acquired position as gang boss.

And yet, Ash doesn’t kill Arthur.  He lets him live, his only punishment to Arthur for trying to kill him and losing their fight to destroy Arthur’s ability to use a gun.  And given Arthur’s reputation for ruthless violence and brutality out there on the streets, and his obvious willingness to kill people who have never done anything against him, along with this being an act of mercy, this is also Ash’s first step in ensuring the safety of the kids now under his command.  Once again, him accepting the responsibility those same kids have placed on him.  He’s making sure, even as he lets Arthur live, that he doesn’t have the ability to easily kill anyone else.  He also allows Arthur to keep operating in the area, even when Arthur has done nothing to earn that right.

Ash’s act of mercy would later come back to haunt him, for reasons all of us already know of course.  

Arthur says to Ash, right before their final battle, “Ain’t you gonna ask?  Don’t you wanna know… why I hate you so much?  You know why, huh?”  Ash tells him “yeah”, he does know, and then he says “But that ain’t my fault”.  They’re talking about Ash’s natural abilities, his natural talent, the way people just chose him to be their leader.  Arthur admits this is true, that it’s not Ash’s fault that he has these things, or that people naturally want to follow him.  And then Arthur says “Y’know, you’re absolutely right… You prob’ly never wanted it that way.  But that just makes me hate you all the more.”.   Arthur is driven by his hatred of Ash specifically because he knows Ash doesn’t even want to be a boss, while Arthur himself wants it more than anything.  Ash is so naturally gifted and charismatic and capable, that he inadvertently draws people to him, without him even having to try, without him even meaning for it to happen.  Arthur hates Ash for this, is overwhelmingly jealous and envious of his talent, his hate compounded by Ash not even wanting the gifts that make it seemingly so easy for him.  Again, this is similar to Yut-Lung, in how we have a character who is consumed by their hatred towards Ash for having something they don’t.  The sickening irony here is that, all of these gifts and abilities which people like Arthur are so jealous of, have done nothing but bring Ash misery and pain.  His good looks, his intelligence, his physical reflexes.  They’ve all been used as excuses for others to destroy and take away his life and his choices.  It’s the very reason Ash gets into a fight with Eiji, when Eiji scolds Ash for not understanding how people who don’t have his exceptional abilities feel.  Ash gets so angry here, because Eiji is making the same mistake that everyone makes when they see Ash and everything he seemingly has, assuming it makes his life better, when in reality, all having these exceptional abilities has done is make his life exponentially worse.  Eiji eventually realizes this, realizes the mistake he’s made in judging Ash for the choices he’s had to make, and that’s when we see Eiji vow never to leave Ash’s side, and to simply accept him for who he is.

But back to the topic, Ash’s initial mercy towards Arthur, despite all of this, serves as a prime example of his lack of hate, once again, against a person who himself outwardly hates Ash, who did him and intended him very real harm.  Once again, Ash’s actions aren’t motivated by any feeling of malice, or vengeance, or to satisfy any sort of urge, but by self-defense, and defense of others.  

This is mirrored in Ash letting the two members of his own gang live after they had betrayed him by working for Dino, even as, once again, it would have served him better to simply kill them, once again his act of mercy coming back to haunt him when those two run back to Dino and rat Ash out about his knowledge of Banana Fish.  

Ash shows mercy again when letting his would be assassin in Chinatown live, telling Shorter’s guys to let him go.

Other, more minor examples, but still just as telling about who Ash is, is his initial dynamic with Max.  When Ash and Max first meet, their relationship is nearly antagonistic, the two of them even coming to blows a few times, Ash feeling deep anger towards Max for shooting Griff in Vietnam and leaving him abandoned in a state hospital afterward, Max consumed by guilt over the fact.  But even in this initial anger, Ash eventually admits that he doesn’t hate Max.  He says specifically to Max “I wish I could hate you.  I needed someone to hate.”.  Even when Ash wants to hate someone, he can’t bring himself to.  Again, further proof of how that kind of malice just isn’t natural within him.  He can’t bring himself to hate, even as he actively tries to.

The same applies to Blanca.  Blanca gives Ash plenty of reason to hate him when he initially shows up in the story. Blanca was really the only adult in Ash’s life before the main events of Banana Fish who didn’t actively abuse him, or really even use him in any way, and was thus able to gain his trust and even admiration.  It’s safe to say that Ash looked up to Blanca and saw him as a protector to at least some extent from the rest of the abusive men around him.  Blanca’s betrayal of Ash to Dino then must have been particularly painful to him.  At the start, not only does Blanca stalk Ash and work him needlessly up into a state of extreme anxiety and fear (remember, this is a kid who’s constantly having to look over his shoulder, constantly living under the stress and pressure of having his life threatened), but he then forces Ash into sacrificing everything he’s worked and risked his life for up to this point in the story, everything his friends and family have died for, his very freedom itself, by turning himself back over to Dino’s clutches, allowing himself to be held captive by his oldest and longest abuser, all because Blanca is threatening to kill Eiji if he doesn’t.

Even with all of this, and again, just like with his father, it’s a lot, Ash never shows any real malice or hatred towards Blanca, or expresses any desire for revenge against him. He only ever shows real anger and hurt, understandably, but even then, eventually, he forgives Blanca entirely, and puts his trust in him again by accepting his help.  In the end, he even wishes Blanca good luck with his life, and displays a genuine fondness for him in their final encounter.

The next, prime example of Ash’s lack of malice is in his rivalry with Yut-lung.

Yut-Lung does some truly horrific things to Ash.  Firstly, in his blackmailing Shorter into betraying Ash by threatening to kill his sister Nadia, essentially acting as the lynchpin that set the events in motion that would lead to Ash having to kill his own best friend in order to save Eiji, in turn causing Ash untold emotional and mental damage.  Secondly, by allowing his own, petty jealousy and hatred to force Ash into a position in which he has to give up everything he’s worked for in uncovering and exposing the truth behind Banana Fish, to break free from Dino, to avenge his brother, and Shorter and Skip, and to sacrifice his very freedom in order to protect Eiji, and after that, again allowing his jealousy and hatred to lead him in setting into motion numerous attempts to destroy the one good thing Ash has ever had in his life by trying to kill Eiji.  After all of this, once again, it would be more than understandable and justified if Ash hated and wanted to kill Yut-Lung.  And yet, once again, there’s never any real sense from him that he does.

We see him threaten to kill Yut-Lung immediately following Shorter’s death, when Ash’s own emotions are running sky high, dealing with unimaginable trauma and pain. Yut-Lung comes into the room Ash is being held captive in, mockingly leaving him the key to secure his escape, and Ash’s angered, threatening reaction to him at that point can only be expected.  Anyone in Ash’s position would do the same.  

After that, we see Ash confess to Eiji that he doesn’t really know if Yut-Lung is a friend or an enemy, which tells us that Ash never really meant what he said before, and that he had no real plans to go after Yut-Lung at that point, willing to simply let it go. Proven further by the fact that Ash never really makes a move against Yut-Lung until Yut-Lung himself goes directly after Ash and his allies.

Later still, after Yut-Lung has been involved in numerous situations which have caused Ash incredible suffering, we see him take Yut-Lung hostage and once more threaten to kill him.  But, once again, this isn’t an act or revenge, but a desperate gambit to get Eiji and the other hostages being held by Yut-Lung’s men released.  Ash doesn’t want to kill Yut-Lung.  He only wants to protect Eiji and the others.  He only threatens Yut-Lung here for that purpose and that purpose alone.  

After this, while talking to Cain, Ash says “I should have killed him when I had the chance.”, and his expression is, just like with his father, one of resigned sadness.  He knows Yut-Lung could very well one day be his undoing, but even in that moment, there’s no sense of hatred, or even anger towards him from Ash.  No sense, either in his words, or his expression, of wanting to make Yut-Lung pay for all he’s done, or to make him suffer.  No indication that he has any plans to go after Yut-Lung.  And this is further confirmed by Ash’s final conversation with Blanca, when he says as long as Yut-Lung leaves him alone, then Ash won’t go after him.  Even when Ash says to Blanca before that, that he would tear Yut-Lung apart if he ever got his hands on him, there’s an expression of joking amusement on Ash’s face, a clear indication that he doesn’t really mean what he’s saying in that moment.

Then of course, there’s Dino.  Dino is Ash’s greatest enemy, and the root source of a great deal of his pain and suffering.  Dino is the only person in the story who Ash shows an active desire to get revenge on, for obvious reasons that don’t bear repeating, and most certainly feels hatred towards.  But even in this, when Dino finally meets his demise, and Ash watches him fall to his death into the fire below, there’s no look of satisfaction, or happiness, or even relief on Ash’s face.  There’s no sense of triumph.  Ash once again only has that same resigned, even sad expression on his face as the person who tormented and abused him more than any other in his life finally dies. There isn’t any malice, no glee, not even any real anger, because, in the end, Ash’s desire to break free from Dino was never motivated by hate.  In the end, just like with all his other enemies, Ash’s only motivation was to be left alone.  To be free. Even for the person most deserving of his contempt, Ash couldn’t ever really bring himself to feel it fully. He couldn’t ever conjure enough hate in his heart to be driven forward by it, even against Dino.  It shows us with plain clarity the innate goodness of Ash’s heart then, that against all odds, that goodness won out against the abuse and cruelty every time, never destroyed, for how pure and powerful it lived within Ash.  For how much it was a part of his soul.

The tragedy of it all then, you realize, is how, if these monsters had only ever left Ash alone, none of any of it ever would have happened.  But of course they couldn’t, their hatred, greed, perversion and lust for power too strong within them to let a 17 year old boy who just wanted to be left  alone, be, underlining in stark and startling relief the total contrast of who these people were against who Ash was.  Monsters consumed by hate, against a boy who loved too much.

[theunderdogwrites]

2020: The Year I Lost My Ass

Well, we reached the end of that toilet roll only to start another one, because that is what we do for as long as we are allowed to continue revolutions around the sun – we keep going.

2020 was a terrible year for so many. My brain is incapable of processing the number of losses suffered on a global scale. Be it jobs, security, rights, sanity, relationships or life. My brain is not just incapable of these calculations, it has plain refused to entertain those thoughts on behalf of my heart. My heart, that sensitive little blood pumping work horse who not once allows itself to stop. Thank goodness.

I don’t believe the majority of people are willing and able to bring themselves to fully comprehend what was lost in 2020.

Here is a list of a few more losses suffered last year:

- People lost their shit. And over the most ridiculous things like toilet paper, having to wear a mask to secure toilet paper and being held to the consequences resulting from not wearing a mask when asked to while attempting to purchase toilet paper. Pause for a moment and let that last sentence hang around in your mind. 2020 made that happen. I didn’t make it up! Recently I saw a news piece showing a man (40’s) lying down on the floor in a Costco to protest being asked to wear a mask. He spoke loudly, he beat his hands at his sides and wildly kicked his legs when an employee asked him to get up. Now, I am not judging for I too have participated in such behaviour MANY times. Granted I was three, but hey… some of us mature faster than others.

 - People lost their damn minds. 2020 should be dubbed “The Year of The Karen”. For those of you not in the know about the Karen phenomenon, here is a description courtesy of Urban Dictionary:

 “Karen is a pejorative term used in the United States and other English-speaking countries for a woman perceived as entitled or demanding beyond the scope of what is appropriate or necessary. A common stereotype is that of a white woman who uses her privilege to demand her own way at the expense of others.’

 Basically, a Karen is a I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER type person (There is a male equivalent, but it seems no one can agree on the name… Chad, Terry, Kyle, Kevin, Steve). You can often find a Karen on her cellphone calling the police to report a black man who lives in her neighborhood, simply living his life in her neighbourhood. I didn’t make that up either.

 More recently a Karen was videoed in a UPS store claiming that she didn’t have to wear a mask because that space was government property and not a private business. Would it be safe to say that most Karen types suffer from a lack of oxygen to their brain? Possibly. But that would involve science and Karen types DO NOT enjoy hard facts.

 As always when I download my thoughts into reality, I must go within and search myself. Am I a Karen? My immediate answer is: no fucking way. I can honestly say I’ve never once asked to see a manager or called the police to report someone eating their lunch on a park bench. I do not enjoy confrontation. Unless there is a bully involved. Then I will drag that person to hell with me. I much prefer discussion over going straight to the ‘I triple dog dare you!’ approach to the world. (If you got that reference, you are my new favourite) Because that is who a Karen really is… someone who jumps right to the most extreme action in order to satisfy their need to be superior. Truly, we should feel sorry for these people because instead of engaging they’re raging. And how awful must their insides feel… always full of anger, fear and self doubt. I say instead of judging these Karen types or putting them on blast on social media, we should hug the shit out of them. Just grab them and squeeze as hard as you fucking can until they stop talking. Peaceful solutions my friends, peaceful solutions.

 - Pets lost their faith in us. Children a close second. If you are a proud owner of a pet or a child, you know exactly what I’m talking about.

I’ve always operated under the notion that my cat loves it when I’m home and hates it when I leave. 2020 has taught me it might be the other way around. Because our animals are, well, animals we just believe our presence is the greatest gift in their lives. Remember when you were old enough to be left alone by your parents and once you had the taste of that kind of freedom, you just wanted more of it and couldn’t wait for them to go out? I feel it’s like that with our pets now. We might not think animals have a routine or preferences or enjoy some alone time, but we’d be wrong.

I think at first our pets were thrilled. If we are home more it means more time for prolonged petting, walks and the opportunity to ritualistically train us to respond to their caterwauls for more food and treats than normal. But then as the weeks of lockdown and working from home increased, so did our pets desire to kill us in our sleep.

 I’m pretty sure my cat has asked me several times using her feline glare: “why the fuck won’t you just leave?”. It would be naïve of us to assume we don’t disrupt their day with our constant noise making and snacking and scotch drinking that leads to a good buzz that leads to showing too much affection to our pets. To the point where they run and hide when they see us coming. Please tell me I didn’t describe just my own experience.

 There is such a thing as everything in moderation, we know this, so I think it can be applied here. People, get away from your pets. Give them the space you often desire from human beings. Because if you don’t, that random turd in your shoe could be pointing to a much larger, more alarming problem you’re about to encounter.

 I had the absolute blessing of being able to assist in caring for and raising of my three nephews (12,9,6) for the last 11 years. So, when I say: ‘children are always watching us’, I feel I know what I’m talking about. I’ve been mimicked so often by these young boys that I’ve had to pause due to mortification. Children will hold you accountable without even knowing it. I’ve had some behaviours of mine corrected by a 5-year-old and let me tell you, it stings like hell.

 As adults, when our world was thrown into turmoil because of Covid-19, we looked to our medical health professionals and our politicians for guidance. Basically, we searched for those who would lead us. The children – looked to us. And while many adults handled this responsibility the best they possibly could, many more failed miserably and displayed attitudes I can only describe as juvenile, damaging and pathetic. I suppose it doesn’t help if the people the adults are looking to for help are themselves - juvenile, damaging and pathetic.

 When I say we still have not grasped just how much has been lost over the past year, I’m hinting at integrity, compassion and creditability. Three vital qualities you’d hope people want to instill into their children. But if they themselves are unable to display such valuable traits, what does this say for the children who are looking up to them as an example on how to act when life gets challenging?

 For myself in 2020, I gained by losing.

When they locked our gyms down for four months last spring, I came close to being one of those people who lost their shit. While people were moaning about wearing a mask for 20 minutes in the grocery store, I was contemplating if murdering those people could be considered a cardio exercise and would that hold up in a court of law.

To reflect on that time period now (especially since our gyms are closed AGAIN at the moment) the loss of the gyms brought me the knowledge of how important the routine of going to and being in the gym is to my mental health. I won’t launch into how I feel about shopping malls being open and gyms being closed despite their proven benefit to one’s overall health because then I really will lose my shit.

People always say getting to the gym is the hardest part and once they’re there it’s easy to workout. And for many that is the truth, but for me it’s all a part of the workout. Getting to the gym is the psychological effort. Putting in the work at the gym is the physical. You can’t have one without the other. I became so pathetic that I’d often walk to the closed gym from my house, stare at the closed doors and then walk home. 1.5 hour round trip. True story.

Remember a few years back everyone became obsessed with that Netflix show ‘Tidying Up with Marie Kondo’? It is the show where that lovely woman from Japan showed us all how to declutter our homes by getting rid of anything that didn’t bring us joy. Those acid wash jeans from 1989… sit with them… hold them close to your chest… if they don’t make you happy, remove them from your space. Well, the same idea can be applied to people and ideas and even feelings. And 2020 was a great year for simplifying our lives. I’ve heard so many people talk about how they can’t wait to get back to ‘normal’… not me. I’ve already started my ‘new normal’.

The loss of drama has gained me peace and a better understanding of the importance of remaining true to who I am instead of trying to please others in hopes it wins me points. Because it doesn’t. Because its inauthentic and only brings you more loss and more drama. And anxiety. And sleepless nights. And an overall sense of hatred for everyone. 2020 gave me the option to no longer care about the things that don’t make me happy and to embrace the process of letting all that stupid bullshit fade away.

It was a year of gained focus.

It was a year of gained appreciation.

It was a year of gained gratitude.

It was a year of gained love for myself.

 I’m going to leave you now, but not before I share one of my favorite songs by the Tragically Hip:

In A World Possessed by The Human Mind

Just give me the news

It can all be lies

Exciting over fair or the right thing at the right time

Everything is clear

Just how you described

The way it appears, "A world possessed by the human mind"

 Then I think I smiled

Then I think you said, "it's fine"

And quietly I dressed, in a world completely possessed by the human mind

 We're in awe of no one

We've none of their fear

Fighting's goin' nowhere and we stay right here

Where everything is quiet

A little super dangerous

"In the shadow of the law and with colours of justice"

 Then I hope I smiled

Then I'm sure you said, "It's fine"

They got no interest in a world completely possessed by the human mind

 Everything is quiet

A little super dangerous

Quiet enough to hear God rustlin' around in the bushes

Oh, but it was you

Girl, I was so afraid

You said, "You shoulda seen the look on your face"

 Then I hope I laughed

Then I hope I said, "it's fine"

And quietly undressed in a world completely possessed by the human mind

 Oh it was you

Girl, I was so afraid

You said, "You shoulda seen the look on your face"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mgXphurrsE0

[whorror-jpeg]

Eternum// ix

Pairing: Geralt x Reader

Summary: After being turned into a wolf, Geralt struggles to find his way back to his body, unable to talk or do basic human things. In his journey, he meets a young woman, who hopes to help him.

Warnings: adult language, mentions of nudity

Author’s Note: enjoy! Translations- (1)come wolf, the sun is going down (2)You’ve done good, Leshy, you may rest now. (3)Be on your way

Previous, Next

Brutal, fortified, dark, historical.

It stood in front of him, tall, proud… destroyed. Even as the post-destruction of the castle clung to every brick it bore, it was still all of those things. Not one part of the broken fort shouted that it possessed even the slightest remark of ungreat, if anything, it accentuated the prideful disdain it cast over the land it saw to.

“This is a bad idea,” Jaskier says, almost to himself.

Geralt rolls his eyes, You think all of my ideas are bad.

“He’s right, this one specifically seems a little worse than most of your ideas.” (Y/N) says.

Aren’t you supposed to be on my side?

She shrugs, “I’m on the side of living. I’m going to be pissed if we get murdered.”

Jaskier laughs nervously, looking between the two of them, “I don’t know what the two of you are saying, but I’m scared.” he says, sitting behind (Y/N) on Cole (since Geralt didn’t want to share Roach, as usual).

(Y/N) laughs at Jaskier, “Don’t worry Dandelion, we’ll make it out okay.” She rubs his shoulder in comfort. He looks wearily at her before sighing.

“Geralt… it’s nearly sunset, dove.”

As if her voice was laced with another, the sound of it intertwined. It was like she spoke two sentences at the same time as his vision blurred and balance wobbled.

“Cáemm bleidd, feainn ess va ys.”

A growl erupted from Geralt’s throat, glaring at (Y/N).

“What’s wrong?” she asks incredulously. No other voice spoke, just hers. She cautiously approached him, putting a hand to his canine head as he looked down and running her fingers through his fur.

I’m fine. We’re close.

She nods and the pair follows Geralt as he leads towards the forest.

There was an eerie feel to the woods this night. It was normal for him to sit on edge when it came to have so many places for creatures of the night to hide, but it was… different, he concluded.

As the sun set, he bore the pain of transformation once again, as he had every night. While he preferred to be alone during it, he couldn’t stand the sight of (Y/N) and Jaskier’s worriedly horrified faces, he was comforted by her hand against his face, gently pulling him into calmness. 

He got dressed after and carried on. His body ached, throat sore, tiredness brushing against him. He refused to let it hinder his facade, instead, pushing on afterward, only stopping when finding an abandoned silver sword.

Howls traveled through the night, echoing against the rocky mountains that lay purchase along the horizon. Geralt’s ears picked it up, focussing on it. His senses followed, he could smell it, tracking the scent and sound two miles ahead and, not surprisingly, deep into the forest. Eventually reaching the meadow, the group could see what lay before them. 

“What the fuck is that, Geralt?” Jaskier says a bit too loudly. In quick response, Geralt covers his mouth, pressing a finger to his own lips in a ‘shhh’ display. 

A Leshen, He says, Forest spirit, guardian, whatever you want to call it, and it’s right where we need to be.

(Y/N) relays the message quietly to Jaskier, staring at the deer-headed tree monster, “If it’s protecting the forest, then it wouldn’t hurt someone who isn’t trying to destroy it, yeah?”

They don’t know the individual intentions of humanity anymore, they just know that, collectively, we have hurt it. And they’re pissed about it.

“Oh. Makes sense.” 

Geralt, now equipped with his silver sword, unsheathed it, steadily walking towards the creature, Stay. He says in a serious tone. As soon as he got too close, the Leshen twisted its neck towards him, making an awful cracking sound that would’ve surely been the end to normal, nonmagical creatures. It pierced the sky with a call, and through the woods surrounding the meadow emerged wolves, snapping and snarling at him, crows flying towards him. He readied his blade, arming himself against what was to come.

It was as if one had attacked, another would join, and the Leshen would attack him from behind. Without magic himself, he couldn’t fully protect, nor prepare or defend himself, from the constant bites and hits. He collapsed, feeling wolves tug and pull on him as he attempts to stop them.

He could hear a feminine scream cast through the meadow, the residue of the word ‘no’ casting it. As if it were a command, the attacks ceased, all creatures stopping and turning their heads to the noise. Geralt sat up slowly, following their gaze. Next to a slightly shaken Jaskier floated (Y/N), though maybe it wasn’t her… a yellow dress curtained her body, an aura of the same color lightened her surroundings, hair flowing behind her as she came towards the beasts.

As she approached, Geralt could see that, yes, it was (Y/N)’s face, but her eyes were white and she was fucking floating with a god damn golden aura.

“Taedh did yeá, Leshy, taedh caen dearme a'taeghane.”

Geralt watched as her hand touched the skull of the Leshen gently, just as she’d done not too long ago, cupping the side of his face. As she withdrew her hand, the Leshen dissipated into ash, leaving nothing but its head on a grassy bed. She looked toward the pack of wolves, smiling softly, “Ess aen te way.”

And as she commanded it, the pack dispersed into the woods. Her gaze landed on Geralt as her feet dropped and planted themselves onto the meadow floor. She lent a hand to Geralt, which he took.

You’re the Lady. He says a bit too casually.

The smile on her face never leaves as she tilts her head, cupping Geralt’s jaw, “I am… not what you could comprehend, Witcher.”

‘Can’t comprehend’ my ass, show me yourself so we can get this over with.

Her smile turns downward into a frown, “So quick to violence, White Wolf. You haven’t even thanked me for returning your voice, your body…”

He glares at her, Why should I thank you when you’re the one that took it?

She laughs lightly, shaking her head, “You must not know who or what you are truly against.”

Then tell me, dammit!

With that, the stones around him glowed, vibrating to the point of making an unbearably loud noise. He closes his eyes and covers his ears in pain.

Then it’s quiet. So quiet. He opens his eyes and looks around. Again, he is on the black water, standing on it as if it were rock. But he can feel the wetness between his toes, and the coolness arise from it. Geralt huffs and the Lady in (Y/N)’s body graces by him, gently touching the lower portion of his spine as she passes. It makes him shiver.

“Do you know what it all means?” 

Fucking what?

“Eternum, Geralt. What it is, what all of this is for, what everything means?” she turns around, her glowing gaze cast upon him.

Am I supposed to?

“I wouldn't expect continentals to, no…” she trails off, bending down and dipping her hand into the black water, pulling out a perfectly shaped sphere of it, “It is eternity. Your destiny.”

Geralt rolls his eyes, Destiny isn’t something I believe in, thank you for your time.

She laughs, “You don’t have to. It believes in you, White Wolf.” She tosses the orb to him, which he catches. He can see his own reflection, eyes glinting in it as he stares before bringing his gaze back to the Lady.

“Eternum is much more than destiny. While everyone has a destiny, it changes. Eternity is less fluid, less likely to change coarse than destiny, and Eternum is… rare. It selects its individuals, it is intense, and no matter what you do, it will find its way to you.”

And that’s why we’re here, I’m assuming.

She nods, “You must have a lot of questions floating through your head right now, hm?”

He took a second to think to himself, Yeah, why is (Y/N) mine, what does that even mean? Who are you really? Why am I… the way that I am right now?

She pauses for a moment, turning around and walking forward some, “She is… not what you think. Which is the reason I can vicariously live through her-”

She’s of magical blood then.

“... Yes. She doesn’t know it, however. She is… of a different race all together Geralt, you must understand. As she continues to live on through the centuries, she will always fail to remember. And in this life, you are here to… guide. As in the next life, and the life after that, and so on, and so forth.

“To answer your other question pertaining to me, cultures have, as I’ve noticed, called my race Unicorns. In reality, we just watch from above and below, a reality much different from your own and really, all together, in the same... “

You must, cause you’re not making any sense.

“Your puny, human mind could never fully comprehend my race. All you need to know is, I am here to help. Guide you and (Y/N). You both are more than you realize.” She nearly spits, taking a bite from his ego. 

Geralt rolls his eyes and crosses his arms, Then put it into terms my ‘puny human mind’ can understand. 

She turns away, hugging her sides. 

“She is… kin of a god. And her brother is very upset with her.”

Bold=unable to tag

Taglist: @alwayshave-faith​ @fabiola-betancourt​ @justanothergirlwithdemons​​ @ayamenimthiriel​ @burningcoffeetimetravel​​ @introvertedmouse​ @tattooedraven1022 @emiwrites3reads​ @ria-demon29​ @bithepowerofgay​ @cd1242​ @mishafaye @psychosupernatural 

[the1rei]

Little Moments: Reboot Chapter Six: Family Matters By  Ericobard and shadows59 Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Fandom: Ben 10 Series Relationship: Ben Tennyson/Gwen Tennyson Some Additional Tags: Bullying, No proofreading, Family is Drama, Long burn

It became known as 'Bloody Christmas.'  Which was sad as Ben and Gwen had been getting along so well.  Still, it gave Ben the chance to be Gwen's hero.

Read my review below:

It is unrealistic that the parents are so nervous about spending this time together. Ben and Gwen have spent the last three months studying together without much problem, and three months in close quarters before that. Their fathers seem to like spending time together 'watching the game at the pub', so it seems like Lili and Sandra can't spend a few hours together and manage to act like adults. If this was only Gwen and Ben's fear, this wouldn't be such a problem, but the parents recognize the potential conflict and can't take steps to avoid it? This paints them as just overgrown children.

Again here we have Ben's parents doting over Gwen, whereas Ben gets no reciprocal affection from Gwen's. This could be interesting if it fed into a complex on Ben's part, but there's no evidence of that in the story. So it continues only to serve to show that Gwen is the central character of the story.

Ben's parents insisting that Gwen call them by their first names only is very uncomfortable, to the degree that you would expect any normal person to reconsider insisting on it. However, this was and likely still is a fad among some parents. While I preferred it to be just vaguely talked about, I can't fault the way Shadows59 communicates just how uncomfortable it is.

Why are the 'Tradition is' sentences being cut off, there's no indication the women are cutting each other off so why aren't the sentences complete?

I love how fraternal Carl and Frank are in this story.

Why does Gwen beat Ben at the video game that he has been playing all morning and spends far more time in general playing video games?  Shadows59 is making it difficult for me not to call Gwen a Mary-Sue.

Gwen's mom got up to four, nearly to eight, what?  Where in the text is what they are talking about explained?

Shadows59 writes as if Ben picked up his present twice without putting it down. A proofreader is needed.

I'm not sure what is more unlikely. That Gwen would suggest a book on science at all for Ben instead of something he might read like a graphic novel or even just an adventure appropriate for his age range. That someone as meticulous as Gwen wouldn't have checked the book or wrapped it herself. Or that Natalie would think it was a good idea to go against her daughter's explicit advice and wishes to get her nephew 'A Brief History of Time' a book Gwen herself admitted she didn't fully comprehend. All this seems to occur for a bit of melodrama.  

I do like the idea that Ben would be interested in the guitar; he did seem to have some talent with them.

Adding Xylene into this earlier part of Max's life creates an unneeded conflict with the source material. Why put her into this story at all?

Again Gwen asserts that Ben is Max's favorite which makes the normally mature character seem unnecessarily immature and then she goes on to claim its a gendered thing and laments about her grandma being gone, the only reason for this is that she assumes that her grandmother with favor her for a gendered reason. All this even though she has never met Verdona and has no emotional attachment to her whatsoever as she says herself, no one talks about Verdona. Why is Gwen so sexist? It doesn't add an enduring flaw to the character and again just seems to be here for unneeded drama.

I do like that Shadows59 expanded on the book on magic that grandpa gave her. Writing out whole passages from it is probably a little much, but it's a good element to expand on.

The exchange about the King Arthur stories is needlessly complicated. First, Gwen has read them; then she hasn't, then she just skimmed the character names and remembered it, even though the Lady of the Lake has about ten names spelled in a variety of ways. Again this is just padding and fluff that adds nothing of substance to the story.

The fight, known as Bloody Christmas, is the key reason for this chapter being written. It starts out well; the parents are drinking wine, which can be very alcoholic, leading to speaking without entirely thinking. However, the need for it as a catalyst for the fight is undermined Sandra and Lili nearly getting into fights already and their anxiety about spending time together, showing that they are already childish enough to have this fight without any help. From there, a lot of the problems stem from people being childish. Frank has a childish temper-tantrum about Max never being there for them. In the original, the fallout of Max's absence from their lives growing up manifests in a friendly, bt cold distance between them. Shadows59 expertly compared their interactions with the interaction one has when meeting a former classmate. Here, Frank expresses jealousy over the time and attention his daughter gets from her grandfather. I do expect more maturity from this adult man, who has had a child of his own for a decade and a successful, high stress, high demand career, and being sober enough to drive home, Frank is not drunk enough to completely take leave of his facilities. Then Carl defends Max by attacking Frank's parenting. All that was said about maturity and sobriety apply here as well. Also, even within the reboot, there is no indication that there is animosity between Carl and Frank about parenting, they get along well by everything we've been shown. It's highly implied in both versions that Sandra and Lili are making the parenting decisions, and their husbands are going along with them; that's why the parenting fight was one between Sandra and Lili. I expect Frank and Carl to side with their wives, but generally to stay out of the fight because they are softer on the parenting question then their wives, as has been shown even in the reboot. That is why it feels too aggressive for Carl to take shots at Lili for her parenting; it's not his fight.  After the attack on Max, the fight again feels like it fits well, though it should be just Sandra and Lili fighting, right until the end, when Ben's parents attack Lili's motivation for her parenting method, but I'll address that next chapter.

I like the way Lili stands up for Ben's intelligence, it makes sense for her character given her problem is more with Sandra's parenting then Ben himself. It also gives back a little of the praise that Ben's parents have been showing on Gwen up to this point.

I like that in the middle of the fight Ben goes for the Omnitrix illustrating that he knows what's happening is wrong and the people he loves are being hurt, and his young mind only understands one way to stop something wrong and protect the people he cares about is a good piece of characterization for him.

Gwen's emotions causing magic to surge like that don't make sense within the context of how magic worked within the show. This shows how Shadows59 has changed how magic worked from both the original and the show. I will deal with this more in a later chapter.

"Gwen heard their parents scream and felt hers jump off the couch as they all went running around so they could unplug things and flip switches and find stuff to clean up with even as glass rained down on the floor." It is physically impossible for them to react this fast.

I like that Ben's first instinct is to protect Gwen even though this isn't a time that he needs to 'go hero.' However, it makes less sense that he would have this reaction to Lili, who was the least aggressive of the parents, and he just acknowledged that she defended his intelligence. Either of his parents would have been a better choice for this scene.

Shadows59 does a great job of expressing, in just a couple of lines, that Gwen feels responsible for causing the fight, by calling Ben a doofus. It makes sense for a character so young not to understand the difference between starting the fight and being the cause of the fight.

-Ericobard While I found things I liked in this chapter, it didn't add anything as a whole to the story and continues to add more to the problems that plague the reboot. Ben and Gwen's family is not your family; you shouldn't bring personal matters into a review or allow them to color your reading of the text. Sandra and Lili are the ones trying not to snap at each other, and their husbands are working to keep the peace. A characterization that is violated with the only excuse of 'they had a little too much wine.' Ben's parents aren't locked into a parenting style, that is the problem Lili has with them. Lili may think her method is the best, but Sandra has no method, just an ever-changing series of books. Lili isn't a perfect parent, but she is objectively the better parent.

(As always, please go leave Shadows59 a nice positive review he won’t delete.)

[dariaastrid]

THE 100 my thoughts of 6.07.

Well, me, finally, calmed down and rewatched the whole episode again.

The first thing is that this episode was splendid! I loved it all from first minute to the last once, basically was glued to the screen all the time.

I enjoyed the idea of space minds, because, firstly, it allows to see character deeper and feel their intention, fears and feelings through simple objects of reality, pictures, things. It also gave us a link to ‘Inception’ movie and pointed to Freudian concept of the unconscious. Besides, it also guides us to the Eric Burn theory that each person contains ‘child’, ‘adult’, ‘parent’ personality.

It was smart to use the rain as a metaphor of Clarke swings moods, chest with the code for her secret memory, also show us her dads video and Jasper glasses inside of it.

Her mind is constructed by series of locations. The reason behind is that Clarke really changed through all of her stages in life. Each one has its own meaning for her, as she grew from a young idealistic teenage girl to a grown woman, complicated and contradictory person. She became not only leader to her people, but also a parent figure. We could equate it to the thing of becoming a real mom to a child, who needs care and protection.

Clarke character this episode, her development was really thought through.

Lets try to analyze main locations.

First, we should compare how Clarkes personalities are connected with each stage of action. Second, we ll try to have a general concept of each mind space.

1.Spaceship

This place is where all Clarke memories lies, her story. I guess its just a hard drive to the whole computer, shortly her brain. There she is represented as ‘the princess on the spaceship’ and also as Wanheda, also as The Clarke ‘Madis mother’ ( Read it that way ‘child’, ‘adult’, ‘parent’) . These three parts of her personality show us the two parts of Clark, the peaceful one, rebelious one, guilty one. It’s her three sides, which are struggling to fight each other to prevail in behavior. She still has her child hopes. She still tries to be rigidity and consistency in her solutions. She now is accepting her responsibility, drowning in a blame for her decisions.

The Clarke on the spaceship is the Clarke, who believes that there is so much more than survival and fighting for life. She appears to be the most vulnerable one. Wanheda has the power of being more dark for the purpose of the survival and life. She is the dark side of Clarke who was formed by conditions of her living. Clarke from season 5 and 6 is Clarke who is trying find a peace for herself as a human, suffering inside from two sides of her world.

The lights and the colors in this mind space are truly melancholic and blue. I feel her depression and longing for sadness through this location. Clarke at the moment does not feel right at all, she is feeling down and she is losing hope.

2. The forest

Its totally the most dark place, therefore dark lights and night forest as the symbol of loss and deprivation. Its kinda blurry here too. The ruined throne of Lexa is her pain, which hides under the layers of self-control. There she loses her hope after fake memories of Bellamy. He is still that person, who has that strength and hope for her which she seeks. He is her last pillar of energy to survive and live, as the leader of her people. Because of him shes still trying.

‘You still have hope?”

‘Were still breathing’

But after the fake memories, she doesnt see any benefit to live as someone who can look for her people. Shes already dead, why bother?

3. The fighting pits and the Mountain weather.

Sharp and bright light. The fighting pits is another symbol of her guilt, though Bellamy forgave her, she coudnt do it herself. She didnt win her war with her demons. The BloodRena represent rage, anger for herself, crawled inside Clark. The Maya is the sigh of her moral system confused, her inner guilt for what she thought she would never have done as a child on Spacekru ship.

4. The home

The place where Clark feels most safe, focused and calm. Warm,

light colors and drawings not from her memories, bur from her feelings. The most significant drawings are Ebby, Madi and Bellamy. Its her family now. There she meets Monthy, there she finds her dad alive.

Its her heart in this home.

Her last hope is to live for Madi, as Monty reminds her. To be a mother to a child she raised. I mean, obviously, Madi is the last reason, why Monty as her mind protection appears. Monty was her friend, who truly figured that sometimes good and evil are twisted, and having burden of blood hands doesnt mean ure a bad person, but still means that its the best way to live and find peace.

There she is a ‘parent’.

Anyway, this Clark destination is to forgive herself and to start create something new through the ashes, to find something beside Madi, her people and Bellamy to live for. To heal and become more balanced.

Whats about Josephine?

Her line is connected to Clarke one, as their minds are tangled.

Let me say one thing, she is really hell of sociopath. I do not hate her as a character, but I do see the motivation of her behavior.

The thing is that in Josephine minds her father is the really important figure, affecting her the most through all stages of life. His voice is everywhere, in the library(her voice from childhood memories, calling him. reading letters). Through the door. He is shouting ‘The Sanctum is mine’. This pair could be compared to Odin and Hela relationship. Same spirit there.

Her brain structure is the library, completely rationalized and sorted. She doesnt feel mercy or regret, pity or happiness, pain or pleasure. She doesnt understand human emotions, as she is not able to comprehend them fully. By all sort, she is freaking genius(knows various language, deep in biology and science, gifted for art) but by the cost of her mental disorder. In her memories she adored herself so much that she could stop drawing her first body. She doesnt know what moral is. Its a blurry concept for her.

Her moral is to provide herself the immortality on all costs. She doesnt find it right or wrong to murder, to betray, to tortue. She doesnt care about anything but about herself. Not life of a newborn baby, her friends lover, her father could prevent her from achieving the goal. Its truly frighting and dreadful. She shouldn't be in the lead at all.

Read this to insure yourself that Jo is in fact sociapath https://www.mcafee.cc/Bin/sb.html.

And she knows that. Her hidden thing is the awareness on that. She doesnt accept it at all. She is savoring it, not trying to control or to restrict herself. Its caused by the trauma of guy who kills himself , but still not completely.

I also liked the referral to the predator behavior( dialogue of J and R, when they are haunting Clark), as the main concept of Lightbourne views.Besides, they regard science as the God for them, it means the complete refusal to moral question and ethics.

Josephin: I studied all species, insects are almost fascinated me the most,...ruthless. People theyre so messy, theyre too emotional.

Josephin: You, nulls, are more than worthless, you all don have positive value. You are less the useless. U delude the bloodlines...

So on.

From Clarks side theres a lot of talking whats right or what wrong, even with ALLIE. What defines God.

Its not a coincidence that she tells Monty about the God question, overshadowing Lightbournes things. About connection of moral and real life.

‘I dont want to decide for everyone, Just for myself’

Its a good thrust that through her mind projection of Monty she still thinks:

The end does not justify the means

Murder is still murder, whatever it brings after, peace or war.

She doesnt devalues the human life. Thats why Clarke is the best leader from the start. Her moral compass is always there to remind her that leadership should be based on clean hands, true intentions to help and grow, not in dark night, but in the light of a new day.

Clark also says: ‘Theres no joy without pain’.

For me, it sums up all of her personality. Meaning - to have something good, first sacrifice. To earn happiness you should feel the real anguish. But even after the pain, you are capable of finding hope and peace. Thats why she agrees to go with Monty and fight J.

That what differs Clark from Lightbourne.

She is still in a process of defining what decisions shed like to make, what person she should be. She senses and appreciates.

Lightbournes are in stagnation there.

The last few senconds

Bellamy is just the ‘heart’ all over the place. He is back to his natural statue.

That means head and the heart in work, which, I remind you, always the best.

Thanks for reading.

All the love :)

[monkeywiki]

You noted a very dangerous and possible reality under notes of fascism that would point fingers with harmful accusations to avoid the real problems and target vulnerable groups of people in the name of "justice".

However, this topic needs to be expanded on, and the nuances of it are dangerous to neglect.

it definitely is possible to have a healthy balance of the boundaries, spaces and education regarding this, but without communicating and allowing people to talk about experiences of grooming, we do not allow room for expanding resources and understandings of the subject, and inevitably endanger people in the process.

it's a matter of ensuring there is /access/ to education and resources that give children the knowledge to take care of themselves and their privacy, and SAFETY, and educate adults on appropriate behavior engaging in public spaces with children, specifically online. This goes beyond "stranger danger" language, and cannot be minimalized to just "talking inappropriately with kids in hearing range and now I'm in trouble for it", the actual root of grooming is something people do not want to talk about.

Grooming is a severely serious issue that does not need to be undermined, just as it can be dangerous to throw serious accusations onto random human beings, when the responsibility should ideally be that of the parents protecting their children.

But I take issue with the fact that I was on this website at 14 years old receiving sexual asks from anons I knew nothing about and could've been adults (telling me I was hot, wanting to kiss me, asks about my genitalia and so on. I rarely posted my face and am a very reserved individual)

I take issue with the fact that when I was 13, I was allowed into a homestuck roleplay around people ages 17-30 years old, and that's where I learned what all the sexual references in homestuck were, how to rp it and not how to say no or how to get out of it.

I take issue with the fact that when I was 11, 19 years Olds on gaiaonline were calling me jailbait for reasons I was struggling to understand.

I take issue with the fact that when I was showed boku no Pico as a child and compared to one of the characters, my childhood response was to reclaim the term "shota" for myself and refer to myself this way, thinking it appropriate considering my experiences.

I take issue with the fact that one of my previous students was was in "therapy because of fortnite."

I take issue with students expressing fear over existing in public voice chats in games because they are "scary". Is it possible for parents to be there to protect you 100%? Is it possible to cut out internet entirely to protect your child? Possible, but their friends at school have addictive access to tiktok. Now we are seeing an end of the "tween" phase.

Students as young as 7 showing their naivety to the world to be met by adults who "claim their rightful place" online, and becoming traumatized and desensitized by it. They do not often know how else to cope or speak of these experiences without enacting them through play. They will call eachother inappropriate things on the playground, but they will not fully truly comprehend the weight of the message.

The world is new to a child, and when you enter the exciting world of art commissions, and an adult tells you to draw something inappropriate, that it would be good exposure, children are prone to believe that.

Children are going to see, and learn, and they're going to attach, theyre going to be curious, and adults do the same thing, with more time in the world to wrap their heads around it.

There is a dehumanization of children where society will blame them inherently for existing in spaces often not healthily monitored, educated about nor offering community protection. There is an issue with hyper individualism. We cannot just tell children "to go away", they are experiencing the world for the first time, in real time. We don't consider children who have no where else else turn, and we should full well understand the core symbol of existing Online. Often to children the internet is a whole new world to explore, and they want to exist in it too. Adults want to earn their place and fight for it, which means you have a battle of minors who learn the language to protect themselves, often on their own, and adults who feel like they lack their own spaces. We often forget to take care of ourselves, feel like we can't express ourselves, but as children are human, and we are too, and much of this issue merely requires patience and humanity to be considerate and learn how to properly share spaces online.......

I always feel like the solution to all of this would be very straightforward, but it involves a global community of adults who harbor patience, kindness and consideration for people other than themselves, and unfortunately that's hard to find, but yes, it's possible.

If “grooming an underage person” becomes the new go-to accusation that gets trotted out any and every time an adult makes any mention of sexual topics in the presence of a person under the age of 18, I wonder if it will eventually become functionally impossible for any adult in a position of authority to act as an educational reference for sexual health matters.

[daazurebanana]

“It is so hard to be a normal person when one is not a normal person.”

Helping Mental Disorders

When I was a senior in high school, I went on a field trip with my English class to Salt Lake City to see a Sundance film. The movie, “Notes on Blindness”, was a true story about a man named John Hull who had a disease that took his sight when he was in his 30s. I remember being totally in awe of the way the film showed blindness, something I never expected to see or feel. Mental disorders are, in a unique way, a kind of blindness. Living with a mental illness is like living in a different world -- one that cannot be understood or lived in by the meager average human like me. Now, I don’t say that to offend, though offense is bound to be taken by someone on this planet, I will verbally stand my ground from where I sit on my couch. You, try as you might, can never truly empathize with me, and I likewise, cannot completely empathize with you no matter how similar we may be. Thus, really, we are all blind in a way. If this is true of two “normal” people, the divide is especially wide between a normal person and one with mental illness. Nevertheless, I don’t mean to imply by this that mental disorders should be eliminated or dismissed. I don’t think mental disorders should be erased. This is a research argument is it not? I merely wish to draw your attention to the goods and evils of mental disorders, whether someone else’s or your own; focusing on clinical depression, bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, and anxiety as they are found in my family.

Partial Personality Disorder

  A long-time loyal social worker for a foster care facility, one probably wouldn’t immediately assume my step-aunt Sarah suffered from Borderline personality disorder (BPD). BPD, also known as an emotionally unstable personality disorder (EUPD). BPD is a mental disorder similar to bipolar in its propensity to mood swings as a result of abandonment and instability issues in their relationships, make being alone extremely difficult, causing extreme behaviors that tend to drive other people away. It includes symptoms like “self-image issues, difficulty managing emotions and behavior, and a pattern of unstable relationships. The effect BPD has on one’s perception of self and others creates many difficulties in daily life” (Mayo Clinic).

Her development of BPD was in response to the divorce of her parents. Her father and older siblings, while she remained with her mother . As she approached the teenage years, she showed increased symptoms of abandonment issues as is common.  She struggled with cutting, became very volatile, suicidal and promiscuous. The symptoms worsened as she got older until eventually, her mother admitted her to the hospital for treatment. As she became an adult, she was able to gain more control of her moods with the help of education in social work and the natural passage of time. Though Sarah does not mention her diagnosis in the memoir, as she describes the everyday niceties of life and the trials, there is a trace of something off-balanced about the way she describes people and memories which could easily be put down to the cancer she was struggling with, or simply exaggeration (Southey, Sarah).

Although Sarah is not a blood-relative, her disorder intrigues me. According to the Mayo clinic’s page about treating BPD, psychotherapy is the best option. With patience and willingness to make changes, patients could eventually learn to live in a self-reliant manner. Perhaps the most valuable lesson from my step-aunt’s memoir is that no matter when or how it happens, success is often possible. This doesn’t mean it is easy. In a rather hard-to-understand article I perused, the authors said that ‘it cannot be denied that people with mental disorders cannot recover completely and (the illness) will even hamper their productivity” (Agustina Barimbing, Maryati). Certainly, in my aunt’s case, for example, success was delayed by her disorder, but it was not stopped. Sure, not everyone can be an astronaut, but satisfaction with self and achievements is possible. This is possible for anyone by finding knowing personal limits and asking for help when needed. This is true of both people both with and without disabilities.

Bipolar

Memories are stretchy and blurry things, pliable to new information and experiences so I can’t give the exact order of the events of the year I turned six, but I do remember moving to Utah, my mom giving birth to twins, and my dad being admitted to the hospital. My aunt and uncle offered to watch my older sister and me, so we packed some clothes and drove for hours before arriving to be baked alive in the suffocating Las Vegas heat for two weeks (the equivalent of 2 months in kid-years). Being six, I couldn’t understand why I was with these people instead of my own family. Every night I’d sit on my bed with my 16-year-old cousin and sob fat tears as I made her show me how many days were left before I could go home. 

What I couldn’t comprehend at the time was that my father was admitted to the hospital due to a mental breakdown. It was the beginning of a recession and he had just lost his job, been injured in a car accident, become the father of (now) 6 children, and signed a new mortgage. He was thrown into a situation that would have been too much pressure even for someone without his struggles with a mental disorder. That episode was the first of many I can remember--the latest being last week, when he had a severe anxiety attack and was admitted for a week and a half to a mental institution that confiscated every possible danger, right down to his shoelaces.

My father has severe anxiety and bipolar II, meaning instead of having extreme highs and extreme lows, he experiences what is called ‘hypomania’: an emotional spectrum that has less extreme manic episodes and spends more time in the depression, resembling clinical depression. For a very long time I personally--and I am sure I am not alone--have had the tendency to interpret his reaction to stress as weakness. Reflecting on my six-year-old mindset, the belief that when presented with a trial, it is one’s own responsibility to remain strong and to protect those one loves--not to weigh them down, was incorrect. One of the main roadblocks to helping those with and without mental disorders is a difficulty “with self-care and...informing others of their needs” (Arredondo, Emanuel), and being sensitive to the needs for special support without bias is important. Such prejudices is society can be poisonous because issues that arise can’t be solved because the sufferer does not feel they can openly share their feelings.

 In society, vulnerability and sensitivity seem like signs of human weakness; something to be smothered, swallowed and overcome. But that is simply not true. It is true that mental disorders cause problems--to put it mildly. But here is a thought that a friend of mine put to me one day as I was moping around about something: “if it is inevitable, why not be happy about it?” That is not to say that anyone is wrong for being unhappy, but if it is inevitable, why beat ourselves up about it? Depending on the disorder, the reactions in our body that produce the disorder are different. One’s proclivity to having a disorder is not as simple as having one or not having one. In the article “Psychiatric genetics: back to the future," by Carson M. Owen and M. O’Donovan, it is explained that, although there are exceptions, disorders are a result of genes interacting with other genes or genes reacting to the environment. Gene-gene interaction implies that a person has the disorder no matter how the environment interacts with them, whereas gene-environment interaction refers to one developing a disorder as a result of a negative environment. But here’s the thing: both have the potential of disorder either way. Both often become apparent in teenage years to young adulthood when people are faced with a lot of stressful situations and decisions like college, moving away from home, dating, marriage, and starting a career. If stress is the catalyst, how can one a genetic predisposition to avoid a disorder? Although a perfect life is ideal, it is also impossible, as I have shown in the experience of my Aunt Sarah.

So much money and effort is spent on preventing and treating mental disorders, that the concept that mental disorders destroy is drilled into our craniums. But what do they inspire? There is a natural tendency to consider mental illness as something that is a burden. We have a tendency in our lives to see problems and try to fix all of them at once, but what we really need to do is take a breath and figure out what we can and cannot control, and from there press forward. Accepting our weaknesses is not the same thing as being satisfied with them. 

Dr. Jamison is a well-renowned psychiatrist who specialized in academic medicine and manic-depressive illness (bipolar). In her autobiography: “An Unquiet Mind”, she shares her research related to bipolar as well as her experience as she undergoes the same intense mood swings as her patients. Kay Jamison helps the blind to see, in a way (or, to continue my earlier comparison, she helps the seeing to be blind.) "An Unquiet Mind" (more than anything else I have ever read) helps a person on the outside looking in  to understand  the chaotic nature of disorders--meaning chaotic in the sense of "uncontrollable", not necessarily "manic".

 She relates having a disorder to the lifestyle of a blind teenager she used to counsel. Having met with him for many months, she felt she understood what it was like to be blind; however, one day she came to see him in class and was shocked to see that the room was totally dark, while he and the rest of the class were sitting quietly listening to a recording. This experience made her realize that she really did not know what is meant to be blind. We cannot fully understand what it is like to live with another's disorder, but Dr. Jamison says that we can love them and just be with them. The diversity of every single human ‘bean’s’ perspective adds spice to the whole of the culture. Our culture is profoundly influenced by the positives of mental illness. Bipolar disorder and depression are linked to creativity and productivity--many poets, writers, actors, singers, and other artists have made significant contributions to society. Take Dostoyevsky and Van Gogh (and my own father who has written 9 novels, a chemistry, and a computer textbook, makes cheese, is a blacksmith, a lapidarist...you get the picture).

As I have said, I don’t think the mental disorder is completely bad, but it does include some inherent and devastating problems. Some of the downsides of bipolar and depression include suicide, psychosis, abuse of others, loss of productivity and meaning, among others. In order to treat, or even better, prevent the negative effects of mental disorders, there are many resources available for both those who struggle with it personally and those who are affected, such as family and friends. Mental disorders make a person turn emotionally inward and become isolated although what they really need is a source to provide energy and emotional support, or in other words, provide energy and hope that life really is worth living. “To supply this demand”, it is “essential in these contexts to build social networks and the provision of social support”(Batistela Vicente, Jéssica).

Mental health issues are best handled by having some sort of structure in place. This structure can be found in multiple places: non-profit support groups for mental illness such as Conflict Prevention and Resolution--Brazil (CPR), National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI), or Omotenashi--Family Experiences Learning Program (FELP), organized religion, or extended family and friends. More often than not, a combination of a few is the most successful in creating a constant safety net. Having these resources when “facing difficulties such as time investment; economic dependency, deprivation of the needs of other family members, lack of social activities and reduction of relations with the outside world,” give much-needed stability and prevent feelings of isolation.

Some form of organization especially helps children, as they are often too young to recognize their own need for support. Research has found time and time again that a church community --unpresuming but always available-- is the optimal choice, with mental and emotional disorders, having much lower rates among young adults who were raised in homogeneous religion-based home. Religion is what saved my father’s life despite numerous trials with his anxiety throughout the years. In the study done by CPR in Brazil, one mother of a child with a mental disorder said: “I would listen, would ask for support, I have always asked assistance from God”. Having a personal relationship with a higher being provides comfort when family and friends are unavailable. As with any child, having a “scaffolding on which to hang one’s life” offers direction in the long run, whereas a child who doesn’t go to church, for example, bases their morals off their parents but does not have the benefit of a social support system. In the case of non-religious people, participating in NAMI or school groups are ideal (Batistela Vicente, Jéssica).

 It is important to note that in the case of serious mental disorders, often social support is insufficient and requires the aid of medication. Modern medicine, though often abused, as I am well aware of from my time spent training as a pharmacy technician, is necessary for those who struggle seriously with mental illness. The importance of medicine and the fact that there is no shame in it is also the knowledge that I think should be more widespread—with caution. I took medicine for ADHD when I was about 10, and the results were great, but I only used it for a while in order to establish good habits. This may be the case for minor diagnoses like mine, medicine was not necessary but was helpful for my schooling. Serious mental disorders like bipolar, severe anxiety, and clinical depression, however, may require more than a short term prescription for establishing habits. One point Dr. Jamison emphasizes is that if she was given the option to go back and live a life without manic-depressive illness, she would not; granted the medicine was still available.  

I have come eventually to realize that just because something appears wrong doesn’t mean I have to fix it. Mental health can be treated and cared for, but in chronic and genetic situations, though it might be subdued many people don’t realize that it cannot be cured. And this is okay. As the quote says, the mental disorder will “hamper [the individual’s and their friends and family’s] productivity” (Agustina Barimbing, Maryati). I believe this is true not only but specifically when the individual’s relations try to fix them. This puts a strain on everyone and only leads to everyone involved blaming each other and themselves. 

“Oh mother, how is it for you?”

(Hull, John)

At an emotional scene from the movie “Notes on Blindness,” John Hull’s wife reflected on her husband’s wrestle with his loss of sight and with it so many other things and mused: “Shall I scratch my eyes out, shall I follow you into this world?” Those with mental disorders are not the only ones affected by it. Family and friends struggle to help their loved ones but can easily become discouraged by the task of relieving the load. Caring for a loved one with mental illness is often a“lonely battle”(Kageyama, Masako). Families are required to learn to live with the disease, facing the difficulties and adapting to the new situation in order to maintain a difficult balance within the family. It can be very isolating and caregivers sometimes sacrifice their own physical and mental well being and that of other loved ones to help the person with a mental disorder. Aid from the same support programs offer comfort and understanding by “address(ing) members’ need for knowledge about mental illness, reduc(ing) their feelings of guilt and self‐blame, decreas(ing) caregivers’ burdens, help(ing) families cope, and improv(ing) parent-child relationships” (Kageyama, Masako). With a community that understands the family members as well as the individual with the mental disorder, feelings of isolation and pressure subside, relationships are healthier.

In the book by Jane Clayson Johnson, "Silent Souls Weeping: Depression, Sharing Stories Finding Hope", Johnson interviews the husband of a woman with clinical depression who shares how his view of and reactions to his wife’s episodes evolved over the years. At first, he did not feel like family, but someone that was obligated to serve hand and foot. He got caught in a vicious cycle of blaming her for not controlling herself and blaming himself for not being able to fix it. Eventually, he realized casting blaming only dug the pit of depression deeper. 

So he did what is unarguably easier said than done, and decided to stop blaming people and start “blaming the illness”. Of the experience he said:"(life with) a person with a mental illness is not doomed to be miserable", it is the responsibility and blame that we stubbornly hold on to that make us miserable. Instead of holding on to virulent bitterness and letting the illness be a barrier, he decided to love his wife. The overarching theme of "An Unquiet Mind" and "Silent Souls Weeping" is the saving grace of simply loving those struggling with some disorder: not because it miraculously relieves them of the symptoms,  but because it makes life “worth living”. 

The simplest, and yet two of the most beneficial treatment are both education and acceptance. Mental disorders are not a project that can be “fixed”(Clayson Johnson, Johnson) by the experiencer or their loved ones, but one can offer love and can educate themselves. Though undoubtedly necessary for some individuals on a case by case scenario, it would do the most good for both sides to familiarize themselves with the other person’s situation. This creates a kinship of sorts, humanizes others. Just like when you meet the person who will be your best friend the first time you see them, we should not make assumptions but instead, make an effort to understand. The teaching that losing oneself to find oneself is absolutely correct. Love is a treatment in itself.

Works Cited

Agustina Barimbing, Maryati, et al .“Family Atmosphere Make Family Resilience Which Have Adolescent with Mental Disorder (According to “Resilience” Theory of Haase & Peterson)”. International Journal of Nursing Education. July 2019. 1.

Arredondo, Emanuel, et al. “The Global Impact of Intellectual Disability and Other Mental Disorders in Children”. International Journal of Childbirth Education. 2019, Vol. 34 Issue 2, p14-17.

Batistela Vicente, Jéssica, et al. “Mental disorder in childhood: family structure and their social relations”. Escola Anna Nery Revista de Enfermagem. vol. 19, 2015, pp 107-114.

Burland, Joyce. “NAMI: Family to Family Education Program”. NAMI. 2001.

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/borderline-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20370237

Johnson, Jane Clayson. "Silent Souls Weeping: Depression, Sharing Stories Finding Hope". Desert Book. 2018. 

Kugelmass, Heather. “Mental disorder among nonreligious adolescents”. Mental Health, Religion & Culture (MENT HEALTH RELIGION CULT). 2015, vol. 18, issue 5.

Kageyama, Masako, et al. “Changes in Families' Caregiving Experiences through Involvement as Participants then Facilitators in a Family Peer-Education Program for Mental Disorders in Japan”. Family Process. 2017, vol. 56 Issue 2, p408.

Lucille Southey, Sarah. “Sarah Lucille Southey: A Memoir”. Dollison Road Books. 2016.

Middleton, Peter, et al. “Notes on Blindness”. 2016

Owen, M., Cardno, A. & O'Donovan, M. "Psychiatric genetics: back to the future". Mol Psychiatry, vol 5, 2000, pp 22–31.

[makeste]

these are not kings, but princes

Or, “In this post, makeste essays about KHR, and the ephemeral nature of youth.”

So as previously mentioned, I have been rereading Katekyo Hitman Reborn, a series which came out fourteen years ago (a.k.a. long enough that there are people who are now Tsuna’s age that weren’t even born yet when the manga first debuted). This series ended in November 2012 (a.k.a. the last time the U.S. elected a President that wasn’t evil). Five and a half years later, I still haven’t gotten over it.

And here is the thing—KHR, while certainly a successful series and one that I love, was never anything particularly special. By which I mean it wasn’t one of the all-time greats. It had a lot of flaws, and even the things it was good at had by and large been done before in other series, and in many cases, done better. It’s not one of the series I mention when people ask me for anime and manga recs. I would not put it on a top ten list of must-sees or must-reads. (The one exception is the Varia Arc; this absolutely is in my top ten shounen battle arcs, and eleven years later it still kicks ass.) 

The humor (although I love it! so much!) is not everyone’s cup of tea. The art style starts out kinda rough, then gets really good for a while, but then starts to deteriorate toward the end of the Future Arc (although the characters are still as pretty as a Marvel Chris at sunrise). The plot has brief moments of brilliance, but tends to fall flat on its face at critical moments. It’s got issues with its representation of female characters. And so on and so on. The point is, it’s far from perfect.

The question that I periodically ask myself, then, is: Why is this series my favorite ever? What the hell is it about KHR that captures my mind’s attention so insistently? What is it about this series that I just haven’t seemed to be able to find anywhere else?

The characters? That’s one potentially obvious answer. I definitely love these characters. I’ve essayed before about how unusual Tsuna is as a shounen protagonist in that he does not want to be the GREATEST! SOMETHING! OF ALL TIME!, but instead just wants to be plain and ordinary and normal. In a genre filled with Type A leads, having a Type B hero is a pretty bold move. Rather than a Naruto or a Luffy, Tsuna is a Frodo; someone who’s reluctant to take part in this adventure and would rather be anywhere else, but chooses to stick it out anyway for the sake of protecting his friends.

I’ve also fangirled at length about Yamamoto, who somehow walks a perfect balance between being cheerfully oblivious and extraordinarily perceptive, and is pretty much the definition of TVTropes’s Beware the Nice Ones. And then, of course, we have Gokudera, my forever favorite, who is a flawless bundle of angst and idiocy and tsundere and badassness, and whom we must always keep safe and protected because he is precious.

The characters are definitely a big part of it. But not all of it. For me, at least, I realized that there is something else that draws me to this series time and again. And what it is, is this:

To me, this series is about potential.

What I mean is this. Tsuna and the other main characters are all children, not yet even out of middle school.

They screw up. They make mistakes.

They learn from them.

They grow; they improve. They get better. And better, and better.

They’re young, all of them. They face challenges they aren’t and shouldn’t be prepared for yet, and somehow they manage to overcome them, at times almost purely on accident. They’re constantly in over their heads, because they’ve been tossed into this chaotic world with little to no experience, dealing with things like mafia succession politics, rival families, and the end of the fucking world. They struggle, and they flounder.

And in the end, part of the reason they succeed is because of that same youth and inexperience. They do things they shouldn’t be able to, because they don’t understand that they shouldn’t be able to do them.

They’re hopeful, because they can’t comprehend the full weight of the odds that are stacked against them. They’re young and invincible. They’re naive. They insist on seeing the best in others. They’re ignorant of the harsher realities of the world, and in that ignorance they help make it a better one. They can’t conceive of failure, because they haven’t lived long enough to come face to face with an obstacle they couldn’t defeat.

And the series ends with them still like this. In the end, Reborn never successfully makes Tsuna into a mafia boss. He’s changed, yes—night and day from the way his character was at the very start of the series—but he hasn’t fully matured yet. None of them have. They are frozen in time at age fourteen, smack dab in the middle of their adolescence. Forever caught on the bridge between childhood and adulthood. And for as long as I can remember, I’ve always been drawn to and captivated by that particular idea.

I’m not sure why that is, exactly. It’s like nostalgia, I guess, except more powerful somehow? Something about the transience of it. If childhood is spring, then adolescence would be the summer; bright, restless, and filled with long days that make you thirst for adventure. And sometimes, also, just so damned fucking hot that you wish it would just end already. And eventually it does, and you become an adult, and by and large things are usually a lot more comfortable and settled down. 

And don’t get me wrong—I wouldn’t want to trade that, and I definitely don’t ever want to actually go back to my own awkward teenage years. But there’s still some part of me that loves to romanticize that period of discovering so many things for the first time. Of being free from true responsibilities, and of having the potential to become absolutely anything at all.

To me, this is the most seductive part of KHR. Yes, ostensibly it’s a shounen battle manga about mafiosos with superpowers. But it’s also a slice of life series about middle schoolers who just happen to go to a really weird middle school filled with really weird other middle schoolers. And who themselves are also really weird. And have superpowers. And sometimes they have the aforementioned mafioso battles.

But also they watch fireworks.

And do homework, and play baseball, and invent secret languages. They are children, and we’re watching them grow up. But because of the magic of fiction, they never quite will. They are permanently caught in this impermanent stage between who they were and who they one day could be. And because of this, their potential is unlimited.

And this, ladies and gentlemen: this is my motherfucking emotions trigger.

I will now proceed to quote “Future Looks Good” by OneRepublic.

You see, I had this crazy dream last night

This man, he talked to me

He told me everything that’s good and bad

About my history

And he said that you are, you are the future

You are, you are the future

And the future looks good

Does that make sense? I hope it makes sense. 

To me, it could not be more perfect. They’re young enough to still be vulnerable, but old enough to stand their ground. There are so many what-ifs about who they’ll grow up to become, but the series only ever teases at it. We’ll never actually see it happen. But we get to partake in the journey, and because that journey never reaches its end, the ending can be whatever we want it to be.

But personally, I think it’s best if it always remains a mystery. Because this, here, this snapshot of this all-too-brief, transitional period of their lives: this is what I live for and breathe for and crave in fiction. These are not kings, but princes.

And one day, they’ll inherit the earth.

But not yet.