#but a deeply personal and internal one in which she makes the choice to change for herself

[trappedinafantasy37]

"Weeeh! I wanna recruit Minthara on a good playthrough! Weeeh! I don't like the ultimatum and want to keep both Minthara and Halsin! Weeeh! I wanna make Minthara good! Weeeh! I don't want Minthara to break up with me!" Minthara deserves more content but none of these things are at all what she needs or deserves. No, these are all things that you want for yourself, but do absolutely nothing for her. This is one of the biggest L's in the game and it will forever enrage me because I just know it will never happen.

Minthara deserves to confront Orin like all the other companions do with their abusers. She deserves to scream and yell at Orin. She deserves to cut at her the same way Orin did, make her bleed and scream in pain. Minthara deserves to torture Orin, just as she did her in the mind flayer colony. Minthara deserves the right to roll up to the Temple of Bhaal and beat the shit out of Orin with her bare hands. Leave Orin begging for mercy in which Minthara will not even give her a drop. To slam Orin down on that altar and slice her throat, offer her up as a sacrifice to the father she is so blindly devoted to.

And yes, Minthara would be afraid. She would be TERRIFIED. Despite how strong and powerful Minthara is, she is also the only one afraid of Orin. Unlike Ketheric, or Gortash, or Sarevok, she is the only one who fully acknowledges just how dangerous Orin actually is and does not underestimate her. She will walk down into that temple, intending to duel Orin with a massive disadvantage because she is terrified.

Minthara choked when seeing Orin again in the mind flayer colony. She choked when seeing Orin as an imposter, throwing her deep into the ocean of paranoia and fear. And she is so entrenched in paranoia that it actually becomes palpable to everyone around her, even you. She describes herself as paranoid, but this is the first that you actually see how paranoid she is. And she choked again when Orin kidnapped someone in camp, making her feel inadequate, making a mockery of her for being unable to protect one of her own. And every day that passes, the more and more likely that the victim is going to die and she has doubts on their survival.

At every possible avenue in which Minthara could have done something or said something about Orin, she froze in place with fear. But she's had enough. She cannot be afraid of Orin forever and she doesn't want to be. One way or another, Orin has to die and she wants to get over that fear. She needs to know that Orin is dead, for herself.

This would also make the alurlssrin confession all the more impactful. She wants to tell you that she loves you in the best way that she can because of the very high likelihood that she will never have another chance to do so. She would beg you to come with her as you give her the courage. She has the courage to face her fears and confront her tormentor, because she knows she has you in her corner. If you have the courage to stand up to the very gods themselves, then she can stand up to Orin. Romanced or not, your presence alone is enough to give her the strength to do something she would otherwise be too terrified to do.

Minthara deserves the honor to solo duel Orin in a fight to the death. Minthara deserves the right to achieve vengeance for herself. No, I do not care that this confrontation would conflict with a Durge playthrough. In fact, it would provide a phenomenal source of some interesting, and toxic, drama between Durge and Minthara. Especially if they're in a relationship. This also does not mean that Minthara killing Orin instead of Durge would not have its consequences (because it most certainly will). Even if Minthara does not fight Orin, it would be so much better if Minthara was just given the fucking chance to yell at Orin like all the other companions in their personal quests.

[meggtheegg]

FNAF Movie Theory...

I'm pretty sure there's still one major plot twist in the universe of the movie that's been set up for a sequel but hasn't actually happened yet. Heavy spoilers under the cut:

After watching the movie in theaters and then revisiting a few scenes on Peacock, I'm still kind of convinced that Mike Schmidt is Michael Afton.

Here's my reasoning. A lot of the characters spend time acting like they know something the audience/other characters don't, and those things are...mostly resolved. But some of them just...kind of aren't.

The main thing that sticks out to me is William's whole storyline. Starting with the scene where he offers Mike the job, his behavior is almost explained by the movie's logic. He sees Mike's name, seems...kind of deeply upset, looks at him very closely, stands to get coffee, and has a moment of visible internal conflict. Then he instantly offers him the Freddy's job. The way the movie frames this, it seems to be saying that he recognized the name of one of his victims, realized this was the kid's brother, and decided to kill him right then and there. Which is passable as an explanation, but it has a lot of holes, if you look deeper.

Why would William so instantly recognize a fairly common last name as the brother of some kid he killed that wasn't even anywhere near Freddy's? Why did he kidnap/kill Garrett in the first place, in some random forest in Nebraska? Why did he see the name on the file, then immediately stop and examine Mike's face so closely, when Mike's memories/dreams pretty clearly show that they never saw each others' faces when Garrett was taken? Why did he send Vanessa to "keep Mike in the dark" if he purposely gave him the job to get him killed? Why not have the animatronics kill him right away? He didn't know that Mike was searching for the man who took his brother, and while he could have maybe guessed he was still actively haunted by what happened based on Mike beating up a guy that he thought was kidnapping someone, it still feels like a weird choice to go and hire him, then just have him do the job with no issue for a few days.

As for Vanessa, we see that she's been cleaning up William's messes for years. Why is Mike the one she changes her mind and stands up to her father for? There's no implied romance between the two and no particularly meaningful connection beyond them both having family issues. I guess she cares about Abby because she's a kid, but kids getting hurt clearly never stopped her from helping her father before.

And, on a more meta level, this is Scott and his storytelling style we're talking about. The man puts plot twists inside of plot twists and everything always ties back into the Aftons, somehow.

So, here's my theory: I think that Mike is William's kid, but Mike's mom left Afton when he was young and remarried the man that Mike thinks is his father.

It seems convoluted and maybe cliche, but if it's true, then suddenly there's an answer to all of those questions. "Michael Schmidt" isn't exactly an eye-catching name, unless you had a kid named Michael and your ex-wife married a guy with the last name Schmidt. Garrett's kidnapping, then, becomes an act of intentional, petty revenge rather than an extremely random coincidence. Giving Mike the job and sending in Vanessa suddenly becomes about piecing together how much he knows and figuring out if he's worth trying to reconnect with or is just a threat that needs to be killed. (It feels worth noting that William is as far as I can remember the only person to call him Michael in the whole film. He also very pointedly never says "Schmidt" until he's decided to kill Mike and suddenly announces his full name out loud. If he went by Michael as a little kid, that is what William would default to calling him, but if he took the new husband's last name, that would be like like salt in the wound that he wouldn't want to voice. By finally saying it out loud, it feels like he's making the decision to fully separate himself from Mike.)

As for Vanessa, if Mike is her brother, it makes sense that he would be the person she'd turn against William to save. It would be weird for her not to tell him, but she could also be trying to protect him, in some way. There's never any mention of her mother, and it seems like it's just been her and William for a long time. Also, ending the movie with her in a coma feels like a strange narrative choice, but it makes sense if she knows information that's purposely being kept hidden for the sequel.

Of course, it could just be that the movie has kind of messy writing and I'm trying to fix it because I want there to be a deeper reason for it. Maybe there is no Michael Afton in the movies, or maybe he's off chilling and doing his own thing somewhere and we'll see him in the sequel. Only time will tell.

[hunterbunter3000]

I think it's also about the way sweetheart touches them. She's gentle with them, which is something rare for absolutely all of them. Sweetheart doesn't assume because they're in the military that they don't need kindness and support and delicate hands. She knows they already think that they don't deserve anything like that so when she sees them wanting it and craving it, she is so willing to give. Her love cup is so full for her team and the people she cares for.

She handles ghost like he's still just Simon Riley, a sad kid deep down. Sweetheart offers up affection that she can just feel is so foreign to him. Yes he can take care of himself but everybody knows it doesn't extend beyond the basics and she takes time to try to heal his aches and pains that he's gotten so used to living with

She's delicate with price, knowing how hard he's worked to keep the team alive and well. How most of the time, he gets no recognition for his efforts. Sure, she teases him and calls him an old man when he complains about his back but in the same breath is offering a massage to get the ever present knot out

She's attentive with soap, hating how he looks like a sad puppy when people try to brush him off as a loud and brash grown up child. She wants him to hold on to that because she knows if it goes away, he'll seem like a shell of himself. She's seen what too long in the field can do to someone like johnny and how it can change them for the worst so she always encourages his jokes and such.

She helps gaz as much as she can. She sees how he pushes himself and how it sometimes ends up in neglect of himself. How many meals has he missed due to trying to just get one more thing done? How many hours of sleep has he skipped to try to figure something out? With a firm hand, she always guides him into taking care of himself and to give himself a much needed break.

IM RAMBLING IM SORRY

AAA NOOO DONT BE SORRY- DONT EVER BE SORRY FOR RAMBLING THIS IS AMAZING 💖✨️✨️���

(I'm terribly sorry this took so long- BUT GARRICK'S IS PRETTY LONG SO ITS A WIN WIN-)

But holy cow I agree with this so much

Tw: mentions of depression, insecurities, trust issues

I'm really gonna start with Soap because what you said is her biggest fear. She cares deeply for Mactavish and always pays a little bit more attention to him than the others because of that terror.

It would be a nightmare if she didn't see the life in his eyes anymore. Her heart was already broken when her second uncle came back a zombie from being in the army. Didn't talk to anyone, and if he did he would always snap at them. He loved his family still. He really did. But the happiness, and the compassion was gone. He couldn't let go of the guilt, of the regret he had in his choices. He didn't really talk about it, but when he did Sweetheart could see the black tar oozing out of his mouth. All the internal pain and suffering. She doesn't want to see Soap be like that, since their personalities are quite similar. Fun, chipper, determined and kind. She will protect his internal being with everything she has, just like she did with her uncle. So she will always laugh at his jokes and add on to them, making them both double over. She will always stand up for him when someone calls him loud and brash. Telling him it's okay to express yourself how you want to.

If she fails, if she even sees the shine leave his eyes for a second, she knows she failed her uncle again and will never be the same.

--

Now with Ghost-- GOOAAHHHHDDDD he needs all the hugs and cheek kisses he can get (and really just hugs) he doesn't like to be touched unless he knows you knows you (kinda like König and Roach) it took Sweetheart a WHILEE to get close to Ghost. Yes, he did have a small soft spot for her, but he would NOT let her touch him. It took like five months just to let her touch his shoulder. Because of his insane trust issues and paranoia, he didn't let her get close. He couldn't. He couldn't risk getting hurt from Sweetheart. Kind, charming, thoughtful, Sweetheart. Caring, strong, smart, Sweetheart. He craved for her touch so badly that he knew it was what he needed, but he couldn't handle the pain afterward. But there was no pain when she first hugged him when he came out of that explosion alive. There was no pain when she held his hand through his panic attack. There was just warmth. And love. Through every touch she gave him, it spoke of love and care. She gave him time. She gave him so much patience so he could trust her. So he could love her. And he does.

Price-- that man deserves a hundred medals I swear. As you said, he gets no recognition of his effort from anyone, because that's what he's supposed to do. He's supposed to get everyone out alive, he's supposed to succeed everytime. It's just built in the job with that expectation. But Sweetheart knows in order to keep that kind of task going, he needs support. And my god, does she give it to him. Always patting him on the back and saying good job. Checking for any injuries, and if there are, she would fix them. Listening to anything he's talking about and giving her opinions on it. Giving him some tea and something to eat if he's up late. And just giving him any form of affirmation. He deserves it. He deserves all the support, the back rubs, the massages and the teasing, the tea and the naps, all of it. And Price is so grateful for it. If she wasn't there for him, no one would be.

Kyle. Gaz. Garrick. Goodness, that boy has put so many expectations on himself that NO ONE ELSE has put on him. It's weighing him down. Since he's the youngest and has less experience than everyone else, he thinks that he has to catch up to everyone else or be better than them in order for people to see him. See him being one of the members of Task Force 141. The best of the best, right? Like Sweetheart? How she carries herself through chaos, how she handles dire situations, how well she works with others, how physically, mentally, and emotionally strong she is? Can he be skilled like Sweetheart? Calm and collected like Ghost? Well-armed like Soap? He doesn't know. His insecurities are always getting the best of him, making him forget to brush his teeth. Or eat breakfast. Or even get out of bed. Is he even fit to be on this team? Sweetheart knocks on his door. Is he even worthy? She knocks again. He has so much to catch up on. She opens his door. How will he catch up to them? She sighs, walking towards his curled up figure on his bed. He's in their shadow. Maybe he should leave. Sweetheart comes into his view, shocking him. She has a slight concerning face, but more anger than anything. Angry that he hasn't been taking care of himself. Concerned on why he hasn't been taking care of himself. She grabs his hand and brings it to her lips, closing her eyes. His entire body feels warm. Awake. She breathes in and opens her eyes back up. She urges him to get up. Get up and take a shower. His brain says no, but his body is moving subconsciously. She waits outside the Men's Bath Unit until he's done. She waits for him, quite closely, when he's brushing his teeth; Sweetheart tells him not to forget to brush his molars. She waits for him when he dresses himself in clean clothes, still in the same room as him, just turned. She waits for him to finish eating a big breakfast, which he eats fully. All with silence. All with a neutral face. Yet her actions are firm. Caring. Helpful. She sits him down on his now cleaned bed, the help of Sweetheart, and they just... talk. Talk about what's been going on, talk about why he feels this way, and when. It helps. She's giving her opinions on what he can do to be better, but it's up to him to take them. She sighs, eyes studying him. 'I hope I'm not crossing any boundaries with you. But I couldn't sit aside and let you make yourself disappear. Especially when you're valued as a teammate and a friend.' She says. Gaz feels like crying. And he does. He hugs so tightly. Tight enough that she could feel his appreciation through his touch. He's thankful that she saw him. And she continues to see him.

[williamrikers]

okay. fuck. i need to talk about be my favorite. because jesus christ, this might be THE smartest show currently airing, which is a miracle at a time when la pluie is also airing.

so, this episode we learned more about kawi's and pisaeng's family backgrounds, and oh boy, is there a lot to unpack there... and it all works to explain why the original timeline was the way it was, why everything turned out so fucked up for both of them in the beginning.

(very rambly thoughts under the cut)

first of all, it's important to note how much of an impact kawi's father's death had. it was always clear that this was a traumatizing event in kawi's life, literally the first thing he did when he went back in time was to ditch the (supposed) girl of his dreams so he could be with his father, tearfully hug him and tell him "i love you, dad".

now, we're learning that after his father's death, kawi completely gave up on himself. he literally didn't see any reason to pursue a better life or his dreams because his father would never get to see it and be proud of him. i think this also explains to some extent why kawi has so much trouble accepting help from others: he has internalized the idea that he somehow has to do everything on his own, so his father (and others) can be proud of him. it's interesting that kawi obviously loves his father a lot but they're not really close: they don't see each other very often and in the first episode, it's established that they don't usually talk to each other about their feelings, either.

so. everything else that happened to kawi in the og timeline (knot making fun of his singing, pisaeng "stealing" his spot as pear's secret buddy, his falling out with max, kawi being too much of an introvert to make any new friends at uni) was compounded by the fact that after his father's death, kawi saw no hope for himself any more, and he ended up alone, isolated, friendless, depressed and deeply unhappy.

and now that we're learning more about pisaeng as well, it's becoming clear that something similar happened to pisaeng in the og timeline as well, only for him it was not a single event but more the reality of him being gay and having a crush on kawi (come on. nobody can tell me he DIDN'T crush on that cute awkward nerd as soon as kawi dropped his lil notebook in front of the seniors on the first day of uni), but kawi never even speaking to him and completely ignoring his existence... while pisaeng's own mother was adamant about pisaeng staying as deep in the closet as possible because it's bad for her political ambitions to have an out gay son. she basically tells him "you can feel whatever you want to feel but telling people about it is something that you should only do with my permission".

so, pisaeng has been getting told by his mother to stay in the closet since he was 15 years old (JESUS!!!), and since his crush is obviously unrequited and hopeless, why should he risk anything by being honest about it? his family is rich, pear's family too, their marriage is one of convenience for pisaeng, who gets to keep living his good life while placating his mother and spending his life with a person he's friends with, even if he can never love her romantically. from his mother's perspective, pear and pisaeng must be a good match, and pisaeng has no real reason to fight any of it. because coming out as gay would do nothing but cause him trouble and make him unhappy.

but in the new timeline, kawi is there as pisaeng's friend. and pisaeng falls for him so much deeper than he ever could have done in the og timeline. and now he HAS to figure himself out, HAS to confront his own queerness, not for kawi or even with kawi (utterly brilliant choice in the last episode to have pisaeng go on this journey alone!) but for himself, because it is becoming clear that he is living a lie and that he can't go on like this. having kawi in his life changes everything for pisaeng -- even if they weren't in a bl and were simply friends, this storyline would still be incredibly compelling because even while they're not in a relationship, kawi and pisaeng keep challenging each other, keep changing each other, keep making each other better, more honest people.

when they're in bed together and kawi asks why pisaeng likes him, he says much of the same stuff he's said before: that pisaeng is better, richer, more handsome than him, that he can't understand what pisaeng sees in him. but he says it differently this time, not with anger or defiance like in the beginning of their friendship, but so honestly, he's able to open up to pisaeng in a way he never could before just because he has had pisaeng in his life and they have had an impact on each other.

i keep coming back to this because it's something i rarely see in stories and bmf is doing it AMAZINGLY. both of the protagonists go on a journey of growth and self-improvement through knowing each other, they literally make each other better. and even though kawi is not at a point where he can see them as equals, he can honestly talk about this now, can voice his feelings of insecurity in a way he was never able to before -- and so, pisaeng can say, well, i think you're cute, does there have to be anything more to it than that? he doesn't try to talk kawi out of his self-perception, merely states his own perception of him in a way kawi can't argue away. i think this is a smart writing choice because kawi has to accept that pisaeng finds him cute, he can't say "no you don't" without accusing him of lying.

and oh, my baby kawi being so incredibly deep in denial is tugging at my heartstrings. there's a very interesting parallel happening with kawi's singing, something he was obviously dreaming of as a career when he was a child but completely gave up on -- until pisaeng and pear helped him gain confidence to put himself out there once again. i think something very similar is happening with his sexuality: he has shoved the truth of himself so far back in his own mind that it takes a long time and the knowledge that pisaeng is into him for kawi to even entertain the thought of maybe also being into him maybe. there's a certain safety in that, just like there's safety in having pear there while he reads his song lyrics to a room full of people. and that's not a bad thing! this show has consistently shown (and outright told) us that people need to help each other, that literally no one is capable of making it on their own, that everyone deserves love and support. and kawi needs a lot of love and support to be able to even let himself think of pisaeng in romantic terms. i am seriously excited to see what happens next, now that kawi has crossed the line between them, now that he got a taste of what he could have if only he let himself.

there are probably a million things i haven't said that i can't think of right now. but every single episode leaves me more impressed than the last, the story is written SO well and presented in such a smart way, later revelations recontextualizing things we already know, and with every week, everything makes more and more sense. and learning more about their families really explains a lot about all three of them (god, i haven't even mentioned pear's rich upper-class alcoholic father, a lot to unpack there as well!), and how they got where they were in the og timeline as well as in the current timeline.

thanks for reading 😘

[fantastic-nonsense]

I'm not ready to let King off the hook just yet, but isn't expelling the Amazons going to be portrayed as a bad thing? Also, why is Artemis a better choice for an outlaw story than Diana?

Re: the plot: Tom King is an ex-CIA agent and it shows in his work, which has reflected a consistent inability to thoughtfully examine the inequitable international political system he helped uphold. It would be one thing if he came out of that world deeply troubled by his experiences and used his knowledge to examine those issues in his work. But he doesn't. "Expelling the Amazons is bad!" is giving "ham-fisted xenophobia plotline that will not be addressed beyond surface level concerns of how it's unfair for the government to boot Diana out of the US" vibes given how he's dealt with such issues in the past.

Re: Diana vs. Artemis: Diana has a long history of being an excellent diplomat and negotiator; her primary role in Man's World is centered around her status as a teacher, negotiator, and ambassador. Politics is something Diana is extensively trained for and genuinely gifted at. It makes little sense to run an outlaw story with Diana at its center when her primary response to an issue like the one King has set up would be jumping into the thick of political negotiation over the law's passage and attempting to get it repealed. Her usual role in these kinds of stories is to work either within or parallel to the existing system to enact change.

Artemis, meanwhile, historically struggles with these things; not because she isn't incredibly gifted herself, but because her personality is unsuited for it in a way Diana's isn't. She struggled a lot with her diplomatic skills and dealing with authority in general during her time as Wonder Woman. She's also been in trouble with various governments before for exactly that reason: she said "fuck authority" and did what she thought needed to be done, regardless of the cost to her public image and reputation. She's also, historically, a lot more inclined to direct action as a first resort than Diana is due to her upbringing within the Bana-Mighdall tribe.

Basically: It's a bad story either way. But if you're going to do it, it should star a character that's actually suited for the story being told. Artemis is a character already tailored for a story about an Amazon attempting to fix a major diplomatic issue, failing, and then going on the run while trying to fix political problems that she didn't start but accidentally exacerbated. Diana isn't.

[oathbreakerapologist]

I wonder if it turned out that Orin got pregnant by a Ghost, what would they do and how would they behave (especially Orin, given her character) And I was wondering what Sarevok meant in the dialogue with the dark urge, that Orin had treated him badly🤔

Oh, god, neither of them should be allowed to be parents.

That's not to say I haven't thought about it. You know, I'm usually not the sort of person that thinks much about characters having children (I can't say I've ever really thought about it much before for any other characters in which I've been interested), but the possibility of the two of them having a child together has haunted me for quite a while now, primarily for the reason that it's One Simple Thing that could make their already deeply messed up situation significantly worse.

From a purely practical perspective, neither Ghost nor Orin would particularly enjoy having a child around. Ghost is too self-interested, impatient, and easily repulsed to deal with a child, especially an infant. And Orin, based on her own childhood, has plenty of reasons to be suspicious of the consequences of having a child; as it grew up, she would grow increasingly fearful that Bhaal would come to prefer her child over her, an event which history tells would likely end in Orin's demise. But aside from that, I also can't imagine that she'd be a good parent, given that she never experienced much parenting herself.

That being said, I think they both desperately fantasize about conceiving a child together. A lot has already been said about the apparent innate Bhaalspawn urge to propagate more Bhaalspawn, so I've little to add on to that thread; suffice to say that the two of them talked quite a lot about it, primarily while having sex.

There were several years before the betrayal when Niro and Orin were rawing each other regularly. Barring other causes of infertility, it's pretty remarkable that they didn't actually conceive a child during that time, and I believe that that's no accident or matter of luck. No matter how appealing she personally found the idea of conceiving a child, I think that Orin was responsible for preventing them from actually doing so (though I'm not sure she did so intentionally).

(What follows is fully my own take on Orin; I make no claims to this being rooted in her canon, even more so than usual.) I think Orin does not have a biological sex, by which I mean that when she was born, she possessed no recognizable external sex characteristics, and in the years before she could control her shapeshifting particularly well, her apparent biological sex changed regularly enough that she had no clear "true" sex. By the time she reached maturity, biological sex was completely arbitrary to her. Her body often appears to have a biological sex, but sometimes it doesn't, and she mixes and matches parts as she pleases. I believe her control over her sex extends to her internal reproductive organs, which she lacks by default, but which might be possessed by forms she takes on.

(As an aside, I think it's an interesting duality that, in my own personal canon, Orin has a gender but lacks a sex, while Niro has a sex but lacks a gender.)

In the time before the betrayal, I think that she chose not to possess internal reproductive organs for much of the time that she was having potentially-conceptive sex with Niro. I'm not sure how conscious that choice was; it may have been an internal decision she didn't even realize she'd made, motivated by that deep-seated fear of the potentially life-ending consequences of bearing a Bhaalspawn child.

I don't think the possibility of them having a child is fully off the table in the Ghost-returns-to-Orin canon. It'd be a long ways down the road, certainly, but I think there are circumstances under which they could both end up drifting down that path. Those circumstances would almost certainly be messy.

They'd absolutely have an interesting-looking kid, though.

As for the question about Sarevok's lines regarding the relationship between the Dark Urge and Orin: as a general rule, I'm very willing to believe that the statements made by characters in game, particularly known villains, are motivated statements that are not necessarily true. When the Dark Urge is speaking to Sarevok in game, Sarevok appears to have an interest in encouraging a conflict between them and Orin. It is my opinion that that is sufficient motivation for him to say what he believes will help incite that conflict, namely, sowing seeds of vengeance in the mind of one who seems not to remember very much about the truth of that relationship. I think my overall thesis here is that (1) it is perfectly reasonable that Sarevok said to Ghost that Orin treated him badly if Sarevok is lying, and (2) Sarevok has very clear reasons to lie and no clear reasons not to lie in that scenario.

[hageny]

Succession Thoughts: Gerri x Roman 

1. Forsaken.

I’ve finally gotten around to writing my final Succession Thoughts post. I thought it was to take some time to ruminate on the finale, even if that meant putting the post out later and potentially reaching a smaller audience after the high of the final season had worn off. A lot of the chatter on social media surrounding this ending scene was interesting to me. Many people interpreted Roman’s drinking of the martini, and his smile at the end, as a sign of possible hopefulness regarding his relationship with Gerri. A possibility of things in the future. A chance to call, to reach out and start over. I disagree. The final, seconds long glimpse of his face after his smile fades tells the truth, the real truth in their relationship that people are wanting to ignore which is that it is over, and he knows this. I wrote last season about the basic problem between them being that Roman comes from a place of authenticity in his interactions with Gerri (however flawed his efforts may be), while Gerri is more calculating and always willing to look out for number one. The end to their liaison proves as much. Roman made a good number of mistakes on his part, and contributed as much to the downfall as she did, no doubt, but the real crux and the torment between them is that Gerri is wired to look out for herself no matter what, and discard what she no longer needs. She discarded Laurie once he’d served his purpose, likely discarded Martyn too (who she seemingly only brought to the wedding to make Roman jealous), and, finally, set Roman aside once she was done with the company and didn’t need him anymore. I’ve touched on this quality in her personality numerous times over the course of the show’s run, and in the end, that part dominates her so deeply that she is unable to really form any lasting connections. While Roman is looking for a place to feel safe, to be nurtured, for someone to help him grow, Gerri looks at people for what they can do for her, for their usefulness to her. This is not to say she did not genuinely have feelings for Roman. I believe she did. But this is to say that, in the war against the self, what is inherent to a person will always win out, whatever quality that is. One can try to find better qualities, different qualities, other aspects, but who a person is deep down inside will always lead to the inevitable outcome at the end of the day. And so it did with Gerri. All of Roman’s attempts to nurture something better in her, to connect to her, to bring out something softer worked for a while, but ultimately her cold nature won out and things ended as they always would. And really, the signs were there from the beginning for those willing to see them. While Roman, by the end of the show, seemed to grow and change into someone different, someone who realized the family company served him no greater purpose and was subsequently able to move forward, Gerri remained...well, herself. She’ll go on to do the same thing as before somewhere else while Roman gets to forge a new path, equipped with the lessons he learned from her and from making his mistakes. This is the real tragedy inherent in their relationship, in my opinion. They are two people from the same world, with similar beliefs, similar backgrounds and values, and yet, they are destined not to remain together because internally they are too different. That’s the real tragedy of this show--it’s not the overall occurrences that make things so painful, it’s the tragedy of the self and what, inherently, we are unable to overcome.

2. Mother Monster.

I don’t often touch on other relationships in these posts, but I must say that seeing Tom take over Waystar was so satisfying to me. What fascinated me was the amount of people who were either surprised Shiv would screw her siblings over, or tried to convince themselves that her choice was due to “misogyny”. Everyone’s entitled to their opinion, but in my view, both of these are wrong. Shiv, to put it simply, screwed her brothers over because this is who she is at her core. This is who she has always been. She looks out for herself at the expense of others, and at the end of the day, her narcissism caught up to her. She ended up like the mother she despised--stuck in a marriage to a man she has no love for and set to become a mother to a child she is not interested in. Tom, for his part, ended up at the top because, really, after having been saddled with so much suffering, there was no other way to go but up. He was a black sheep in a family of wolves and he learned how to play their game better than his wife, and won as a result. Shiv’s choices have to do with who she is at her core, which is revealed during her fight with Tom in Tailgate Party. The irony of their fight--which begins about her starting the rumor that he will get fired--need not even be touched on. When she says to him, “You’re servile [...] you don’t deserve me, and you never did” she’s essentially echoing what her father told her in season one, which was that she was marrying a man below her station because she could control him. Sadly for her, her self-serving ways caught up to her and now she is victim to the fate she deserves--wife to someone with more influence and power than she will ever likely have again. For all her torturing and disdain for Tom, she ended up in the position she wanted him in, and that is immensely satisfying. 

AN: A huge thank you to all who have read these posts over the time I’ve been writing them. It’s been so satisfying to be able to interact with other fans who enjoy the same thing I do, and to contribute--in some small way--to the ever-evolving discussion surrounding the show. If I see anything interesting regarding Roman and Gerri floating around on the internet, I’ll post it here. As unfortunate as it was that the show ended--even though I believe it ended at the right time--the real loss for me will be the community I managed to find here, and the exchanges I had with others along the way. My inbox is always open for those wanting to chat some more, I welcome any messages, and I can’t wait to hear what you all thought about the finale. Thank you again, it’s been an immensely gratifying journey. 

[enevera]

5, 6, 8, for kehtje, 12, 18, 26 for brighter half, 11, 15, 19 for darker half, 9, 24, 27 for 3ivies and 1, 4, 7 for Tyr <33333 gimme ALL the deets

SJDHBFSJH CACTUS ILU <33333333

5. Is your character more of a family or friends person?

kehtje is a family person, mostly by default. i think she's had maybe one friend outside her niece in her entire life lmao. hazards of being raised to die pretending to be someone else lol

she would like to be a friend person though, if she ever had the chance

6. What, if anything, sticks out about their appearance?

uhh probably her weirdly layered bangs. like a hime cut but a bit more fucked up

8. What are some internal obstacles that your character has to overcome?

hm kehtje's character arc is largely based around whether or not she can bring herself to die as her niece or live as her real self. a part of that struggle is trying to decide what she's willing to risk and whether or not her decision is justifiable within her moral code

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12. What are some of your character's pet peeves?

brighter half has a pet peeve about people who are indecisive and wishy-washy. she has no fondness for incompetency and hesitations that can jeopardize her plans. it's part of why she dislikes the masked priest (her direct superior) so much bc that bitch is soooo just like completely incoherent at times (on purpose) lolol

18. Who/what comforts your character?

brighter half gets most of her comfort from darker half or, when not eve darker half can rlly help or she's not available, brighter half likes staring at the ocean for hours at a time, especially at night

26. What are the top three most distinguishable personality traits of your character?

probably ambition, her calmness, and her ability to be ruthless when the situation calls for it

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11. What events in their past helped shape and influence them into who they are today?

meeting brighter half definitely shaped darker half's life and personality a lot. brighter half gave her both a purpose and opened her up to the idea of having choices and opinions, something she didn't have before. the time an assassin almost got to brighter half also struck darker half very deeply, even though brighter half didn't die, it made darker half much more protective and vigilant

15. What habits does your character have?

darker half reflexively always walks to limit the sound of her footsteps and has to actively remember to walk normally sometimes. she also has a habit of walking very slowly passed the doors of occupied rooms bc the eavesdropping urge never rests lmao

19. Summarize your character's goals in one sentence.

protect brighter half from harm using any means necessary

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9. What emotion does your character feel most frequently?

annoyance. three ivies is so annoyed all the time girl is one step off from glaring and yelling at everyone around her and is holding her self control with a white knuckle grip abt it lmao

24. From childhood to their current age, how has your character changed?

she's become a lot more calculating and far far more bitter. she was already a rather sullen child and a realist at a young age but since making her choice to go for a position of power in the religious org, she's become fairly pessimistic. she carries far more frustration and anger in her which is largely aimed at herself and people who remind her of what she could've been.

27. How does your character view themselves? (Expectations, intelligence, confidence, self-belief, etc.)

three ivies believes herself objective and largely impartial and allows herself to be this way by recognizing her place a purely that of a pawn in a larger game. her family wants her to take a seat of power so that she can further their goals in the political sphere and take advantage of her influence. bc of this, she puts a lot of pressure on herself to be perfect and to adopt whatever mannerisms will get her closer to the goals set for her. any outburst, any mistake, is a failure and another black mark on a personal record she views as being miles long

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What motivates your character?

tyr is so so motivated by her favorite thing which is not dying lol. she is fully willing to sacrifice her morals for this, even if she would feel like rllyyyy bad abt it

4. Does your character care about their reputation and/or how others perceive them?

absolutely! tyr is constantly monitoring herself and her behavior in order to gain a level of goodwill and popularity with everyone around her, but not in a way that threatens any existing hierarchies. she doesnt need any more enemies than the ones she already has lmao

7. Is your character good with kids?

yep! lying to kids a large part of being good with them and tyr is very good at lying and happy to say whatever to avoid tears and tantrums. she should NOT be a parent ever tho girl does not deal well with confrontation and would fold like a wet paper towel in the face of any legit resistance from a child skfjdh

oc ask game!

[sincetheducksleft]

S3E3 "Fortunate Son": The past alive in the present

This episode invites us to look back at Tony's childhood, and just as much to look back at our own experience of Tony as viewers of the show. The pilot episode and the inciting event of the whole series drive Tony's realization, which also reminds us, the viewers, that this show is just a snapshot of Tony's life. We are only given access to his past to the extent that it is incarnate in his present. But it is vividly incarnate in his present.

This is one of those Sopranos episodes that changes our perspective not just on everything that comes after it, but much of what came before.

Looking back just a little, to S2E6 "The Happy Wanderer", Tony's exploitation of Davey Scatino's gambling addiction takes on a totally new meaning in light of his experience with his father. Johnny cut off Satriale's finger over a gambling debt, and then rationalized it to Tony by suggesting that an unpaid debt devalues a person more than indulging in violence. That Satriale may be a nice man, but he put himself in this situation. Exactly the justification Tony makes about Davey.

(It's probably worth noting that Tony never cut off Davey's finger -- and while his interactions with AJ in this episode make a weird parallel to his interactions with Johnny, he still seems like a better father than Johnny did. He's passing down a softer punch.)

As a kid, Tony is vividly aware of the connection between violence and survival for his family -- that the hands that cut the meat for his baby sister are the same hands that cut off Satriale's finger -- and because he had no way to escape that world he could only cope by rationalizing it. He deeply internalized what his father told him, and it became possibly the first pillar of his rationalization of this lifestyle. And by extension it became a pillar holding up his entire world.

Looking back a little further, to S1E5 "College", we know Tony once attended college, too. When Tony was approximately Meadow's age he had another world, another life, available to him. But, just like Meadow, he ultimately rejected it and returned to the world that was familiar to him.*

Maybe he worked too hard to rationalize this world as a child and now it's the only place that feels rational to him, that he understands. Or maybe he feels too deeply twisted by it to belong anywhere else. Or maybe it's the same thing. And maybe the decision he made to remain a part of this world is something Tony will also be rationalizing for the rest of his life.

Regardless, the association between his panic attacks and meat -- between his deep dissatisfaction with his life and the point at which he started rationalizing this life to himself in order to survive within it -- tells us the process of reckoning with our past is never complete.

The wounds of childhood do not heal. Tony's past is alive in his present, and every choice he makes is at the end of a long line of choices that brought him to this moment. And Tony himself is at the end of a long line of fathers who created their child's world and then tried to push them out of it. And he's not the first child to return to it. And he also won't be last.

*I know Meadow doesn't drop out of college, what I mean is over the course of the show she becomes more of an apologist for organized crime, pursues a career defending white-collar criminals instead of oppressed minorities, and never really escapes the world she grew up in like Tony wanted her to. Arguably because one of the theses of this show is that intergenerational trauma is something like fate.

[taylorswiftstylequestions]

Gooooo morning Sarah! Happy Sunday, I hope you’re having a wonderful weekend!

Question for you that’s been going around my brain for a few weeks, this is a very different pattern of public behavior than we have seen from Taylor in a very long time, especially looking at her outings over the last 6 months compared to the last 3 years or so. Do you have any thoughts or insights into this change? I really value your opinion and thoughts, which is why I was wondering.

Thanks for putting up with all of our crazy-ness, you’re a saint!

This was v v kind. Hi, friend!

It's difficult for me to ascertain the reason why for the change, because I'd imagine it's a deeply emotional and personal one - that only Taylor can really provide context on. Having been through a very significant change in her life that probably had a massive impact on the plans she thought she would have for the foreseeable future, I'd imagine part of that has been throwing herself into things more actively as part of dealing and healing from it. And with that - being in the public eye more.

Perhaps first to outrun the sads, then as a way of genuinely working through them. Being in what really has been her adopted former 'home' base that she loved and lived in for a long time and surrounding herself with friends who can provide support and an outlet for her to work through what she's going through (whether that is chats or studio time) makes sense to me.

Note this isn't me saying that her previous life that was more quiet, restrained, protected, and low-key wasn't a choice she also made and wanted. But her life has changed dramatically in ways we have not yet fully come to know all the details of (internal emotional things that I'm sure we'll hear about in music in due time) and so all we can infer from are the dramatic ways her life has changed that we can see (working on music, being with friends, slowly opening her heart again to new possibilities).

[vivacissimx]

Hello! How do you think Jon would react when he is told the truth about his parentage? Who do you think will tell him? And how do you think his feelings regarding Ned would change? Have a lovely day!

I think it's a foregone conclusion at this point that Jon is going to learn about his parentage at some point, there are a lot of theories regarding the specifics but personally I'd be very surprised if he learned it from anyone other than Howland Reed.

Couple reasons however I think it's fair & important to note that Jon always had a father. Ned Stark raised him & while Jon's evolving feelings on him/Northern politics in general diverge from the complete admiration he once had for Ned, it's not a rejection of Eddard Stark the Father. Jon's growing empathy for other peoples (whether across class or regional lines within the Night's Watch itself to the wildlings to women) includes an empathy for Ned--this allows him to take the best of what Ned taught him and yet make decisions that Ned would not have made. He's understanding of the difficult positions his dad has been in and perhaps even the sacrifices made. When he doesn't go South to join Robb, when he rejects Stannis' offer, it's a symbolic break from Starkhood although the love for his family remains.

No, Jon's never lacked a father. He's always wanted a mother.

This is where Howland Reed ties in, he's just so connected to Jon's origin story--not only present but involved in Lyanna's moment as the Knight of the Laughing Tree, present at the Tower of Joy when Lyanna makes Ned promise to care for Jon (presumably). Howland told stories of Lyanna & Harrenhal to his children who tell them to Bran. Howland, interestingly, spent a whole season with the green men on the Isle of Faces in the God's Eye by Harrenhal, which is a winky nudgey type of thing because the mythos of that region is rich in Old Gods/Stark/Targaryen connections. Ex. Rhaegar & Lyanna ofc, Daemon Targaryen's 13 slashes in the Harrenhal weirwood that bleed in spring, Addam Velaryon's supposed audience with the green men before sacrificing himself for Rhaenyra's cause, Rhaena Targaryen the ghost of Harrenhal➡Arya Stark the ghost of Harrenhal, Nymeria's wolfpack in the area, proximity to the Trident & the Inn of the Kneeling Man where Torrhen supposedly bent the knee to Aegon the Conqueror, Dark Sister the sword being lost beneath the water for a generation (Dark Sister in the current timeline likely being lost beyond the Wall).

Howland is also the one of the guys Robb sent a letter to legitimizing Jon & naming him the heir. Yes I know Jon rejected being named a Stark at Stannis' hands but Robb is very different to Stannis. Howland's children are lost beyond the Wall. GRRM has said we're getting Howland at some point. I believe it's for the purpose of telling Jon about R+L=J.

I'd predict that knowing about Lyanna is what will really affect Jon, given that a) he's been shown to admire women who remind him of Arya & Arya/Lyanna parallels are weaved throughout the books, b) that she did genuinely love him, she didn't abandon him, and c) Ned Stark loved him as a son by choice rather than simply being a stain on his honor.

Jon reacts to many a thing with frustration, by internalizing his feelings and being stubborn but he feels & loves deeply. Empathy and affection motivate him. Hearing some variation of this:

"I was with her when she died," Ned reminded the king. "She wanted to come home, to rest beside Brandon and Father." He could hear her still at times. Promise me, she had cried, in a room that smelled of blood and roses. Promise me, Ned. The fever had taken her strength and her voice had been faint as a whisper, but when he gave her his word, the fear had gone out of his sister's eyes. Ned remembered the way she had smiled then, how tightly her fingers had clutched his as she gave up her hold on life, the rose petals spilling from her palm, dead and black. After that he remembered nothing. They had found him still holding her body, silent with grief. The little crannogman, Howland Reed, had taken her hand from his. Ned could recall none of it.

[AGOT, Eddard I]

How can this not hurt!! It has to. It would rip me apart! It also heals though. Jon isn't the petulant teenager he started the series as, he's harder and he's made sacrifices too. ADWD Jon willing to throw any honor he might have had to the wind, to remain a bastard, to break his vows, for the sake of what he loves & considers bigger than himself. How do you think Jon will feel to learn that the people who made him who he is were faced with similar impossible circumstances, that they paid the highest prices & the only way to mourn/celebrate their lives is to rejoice in the fact that he, himself, is still alive??? It's torture but it's also so beautiful because it's something he's always wanted. Never thought he would get.

It's a personal revelation, is what I'm getting at, a bittersweetness. I believe there's a relief in knowing. Freedom in understanding. I do see moments of resentment creeping in (Jon is a human being bro) but ultimately he will make peace with this & that it will help him to accept love more easily from others (something he has difficulty doing).

About Ned... this is kind of another question, there is a grappling to be had if he links up with Daenerys about the Rhaegar/Ned picture. They're coming from opposite ends of the bridge on this one. Here is where I think the classic coming of age trope of 'realizing your parents/idols are people too' will happen. Ultimately this duo has to succeed where their predecessors failed, right? Doing that means leaving behind a lot of baggage, no matter how justified your personal attachment to them is

I want Jon to be able to say "I made the best decisions I could. Nobody else did it for me. Thank you to everyone who influenced me & taught me something, I hold you close to my heart and I've got it from here." That's ideally the place Jon learning about his parents brings him closer to, for me as a Jon Snow Enjoyer.

& if you want more I humbly offer the fic I wrote about this very identity reveal 🥰

[nemesis-is-my-middle-name]

1 and 6 for Palina and Ingo?

(character dynamics ask game)

OOOOH these two are a really good duo. underutilized tbqh a LOT of fun potential btwn them

1. what were A’s first impressions of B? were they mostly correct or have they changed?

this is a toughie bc like most of these involving ingo it requires deciding things abt the time and circumstances of his initial intro to the pearl clan that i still don't have a going hc for that isn't just for one or two fic plots. but like, all those possibilities are so INTERESTING. was it before or after lord arcanine's death? the palina irida leader competition? how quickly did sneasler decide he was Hers and start acting accordingly? did they meet soon after he arrived or was it delayed a bit bc palina was living in the coastlands at the time? and all of those questions i think have a major impact on the start of their relationship and the way they would view each other initially.

i think most likely is that palina's kind of always accompanied by her two growlithe, so she probably would have seen him interact with them and that forms a large part of her initial opinion on him (he has a very good intuitive grasp of their body language/comfort zones and is overall good w/ them and also is very patient with the little lord being very shy, which is probably partially due to the fact that he might not know he's a lord, but palina still appreciates seeing it), but then she would probably also know he was Some Guy From Nowhere and i... am honestly not sure what she would think about that. like, i don't think she's as immediately hostile towards him as like, gaeric or calaba, but i think she's also a kind of cautious person by nature and they know literally Nothing about him, that makes her a little suspicious. but then sneasler likes him? and sneasler doesn't like Anybody. so she's like... wary, probably keeping him at arm's length like the majority of people, but willing to give him a chance. yanno

otoh ingo's initial opinion of her probably majorly depends on the circumstances and in particular what he knows about her going in. like, does he know she's a warden. does he know what a warden is. does he know anything about lord arcanine. not that ingo is particularly likely to be judgy or anything but the amount of background context he has impacts his thoughts bc palina is a person deeply defined by her circumstances. if she weren't traumatized and dealing with all of the things she's dealing with in canon i think she'd probably act very differently, especially to strangers. so ingo will have a different view on her if he thinks "this warden is just kind of quiet and depressed i guess" vs "you're probably quiet and depressed because your lord died and your whole clan hates you for it." yanno.

6. what does A think B thinks of them? or, if asked to describe their relationship, how would they do it? are they right?

HMMM well. the one thing abt these two that i come back to a lot is that i think ingo for sure agrees with palina about not pushing growlithe into lordship too fast, and i also don't think his own internal morals would let him sit and listen to anyone shit talking her for that choice. especially once he knows the story and has met the warden and growlithe in question, he kind of can't not defend her. this is sort of stupid considering his own position in the clan is so precarious and he probably should be keeping his mouth shut but that thought does not make it through processing in time to stop him.

idk if palina has ever like, been present for any of these arguments, but she would probably know about it secondhand at least. and it's definitely not something she gets a lot of from her own clan—even irida often sounds more like she's just being patient with her than anything—so it's... yknow. it's nice to have one other person on her side at least. so basically i think palina knows ingo thinks she's not just like, someone who's allowed to grieve, but that she's a good warden who is making the actively correct choice, and he feels strongly enough about that to actively speak up about it.

unfortunately i'm not sure if palina knows how to fully express her feelings abt this, especially if it's true that she views herself as someone dangerous to associate with and tends to push people away bc of it. and as mentioned before, common sense dictates ingo should be keeping his head down and not making waves etc. and i think that might kind of frustrate palina, that he won't just do the smart thing and let her be a pariah. the fact that he's kind and she likes him paradoxically means she has this instinctive desire to put distance between them so she doesn't hurt him by proximity.

and like, would palina tell him this?? is she even conscious enough that she's doing this mental math to be able to put words to it?? she's conscious and intentional about distancing herself from iscan in public, but i think iscan being diamond also might make it a little bit easier to rationalize. warden or no, the diamond clan can't hurt her as badly as her own clan can. so ingo's concept of her opinion on him is entirely reliant on whether he's aware she acts weird to the pearl clan specifically because she's afraid of being burned or hurting others, or not, in which case he would have no fucking idea why she seems to change her demeanor on a dime. at least she doesn't stop growlithe from coming to bug him for attention at warden meetings, so she must not be that hostile towards him. this is his only clue.

[tiggymalvern]

Burn Notice - the journey continues

International air travel can be joyless and soul-sucking. Or with the right mindset and motivation, it can be an opportunity. Which goes to say that I dumped seasons two and three of Burn Notice into my laptop and thoroughly enjoyed my two days of airports and planes. (There will be more on the international travel later, including oceanic giant mantas and sharks.) So far, my Burn Notice character assessment goes like this: Season one – neutral on Michael (generic white male action lead, whatever). I like Sam, most of the time, when he’s not being too sleazy. Fiona’s really annoying. Season two – still neutral on Michael. Fiona’s actually okay now? She’s vaguely annoying now and then, but a lot better than she was. I absolutely adore Sam. Season three – I genuinely like Fiona, she’s great. (It helps that the actor’s got a stable accent now too.) I adore Sam, obviously – I don’t think I’ve ever fallen out of love with a character once they’ve hooked me. Michael is a giant selfish arsehole who doesn’t deserve any of the people in his life, and frankly he needs to be punched in the teeth. I wasn’t expecting to go on A Journey when I started watching a trashy action series like this, but I am, and it’s fun because the characters and plotlines actually change and develop. Fiona changes a lot, and very much for the better – she gains a real sense of responsibility. Sam doesn’t so much change as revert to who he always was, instead of pretending that he can live a normal life and not be bored senseless by it. Even Michael’s mother steps up, when the central trio finally stop telling her painfully obvious lies and give her (some of) the truth – she adopts Michael’s weird friends, and accepts that her home’s now a safehouse for any number of odd people and occasionally becomes a bomb-making factory. Which is great because it means Sharon Gless gets some real acting to do sometimes. The one person who isn’t changing so far is Michael, and that’s a big problem, because he needs to. He starts the show with a Goal, one which is perfectly understandable and reasonable. But as things progress and the consequences of his pursuit of his Goal get worse for everyone around him, he really should take a step back and reassess. When the two people he trusts and relies on for everything are both telling him, ‘Massive red flags, do NOT do this,’ he should fucking listen. But Michael wants what Michael wants, and screw everything else. At least Fiona and Sam are making their own choices and have the training to live with them. Most of the time, they’re having fun doing Michael things – except when they’re really not (and when they’re not, Michael has zero respect for where they draw their lines). Michael’s mother and brother have no say in any of it, and none of the skills, and when they're threatened, kidnapped, arrested or shot, Michael’s quick enough to say sorry – and he changes absolutely nothing about his life that causes it. I still have another four seasons of this to go, and since it switches up at least once a year, I’m deeply curious where it’s all heading next. Despite the busyness of the last two weeks, the fic's currently at 4500 words out of probably 6k or so, and all the research is done. I think. I keep finding some new detail now and then I need to check on...

[aliendissection]

I saw Bones and all and the thing is that I enjoyed the movie but I feel like it fell apart when Maren went to her grandmother’s house. It feels like random shit happens after that and the theme gets muddled by choices that were made to change the source material.

(Spoilers for the book if you care) I feel like so much of the tragedy of the book was lost by not having Maren kill Lee actively. Sure, she eats him in the film but he was dying anyway and it’s a good scene but ends up feeling emotionally hollow in the scope of the whole story.

Maren’s urge to eat people is not something she can control no matter how much she desires to. She wants to be a good person and feels an immense amount of guilt for all the people she’s killed. She plans to confess at some point to the cops. Her internal conflict in a constant element.

In the book, she can’t kiss anyone without losing control . There was a huge a build-up of Maren and Lee’s relationship, she loves and deeply cares for Lee, she wants to be someone he could possibly love. And despite that, she still can’t control her urges. When Lee kisses her for the first time, she kills him . At the end, she’s alone, having destroyed the only person she felt truly understood by. In the ending scene of the book, she actively targets and plans to eat a friend of hers she works at a library with, having given up on fighting to be a good person and given up on the idea that she could ever be loved by someone. It’s so much more tragic and impactful than I can describe it and it’s the element that makes the book so amazing.

Taking that ending away makes the story pointless, which is what the movie choose to do. Possibly to make Maren more sympathetic but they also seemed to transplant all of Maren’s guilt onto Lee and thus made him more sympathetic than her. It all ends up feeling very confused and weird. We don’t see what happens to Maren after Lee is gone and it feels like no one changes at the end, no one learns anything, because Maren feels underdeveloped.

[coffeeheartaddict2]

This Life (8/13) A question of principles

Book: Open Heart (book 1)

Pairing: Ethan Ramsey x Casey Valentine

Warnings: ***trigger Warning- this series deals with addiction and abandonment- reader discretion advised****

Language, sexual references, mentions of character death

Rating: Mature

Summary: Ethan’s secret is exposed, Miami. These events make Ethan question more deeply some of his most deep seated principles.

Disclaimer: Characters, plot points and dialogues (actual and paraphrased) belong to Pixelberry.

🫀🧠🫀🧠🫀🧠🫀🧠🫀🧠

The competition was now happening. The only intern I care about is Casey and she nearly lost a patient. She tracks me down to give me an update. I tell her she is lucky that she has another chance. I then ask her if she will help me test out the FMRI machine. I did not know what questions to expect but when she asked me about attending/resident relationships, I told her that the attending is to teach and that any romantic entanglements is from neurochemical responses due to heightened stress and regular exposure. A part of me does, has to believe it if I am being honest with myself but there is something about Casey I know that is different, she could never be an arrangement like I had with Harper but long term, surely not. We finish up and we head back to work. I eventually get Naveen in and take his scans. I hear that Casey’s patient has a cacophony of things go wrong but handles the situation so much better. I congratulate her and leave. She hands me the scan and I can see she is curious. I say nothing. No one knows that I am treating Naveen and I need it to stay that way.

The competition is running. The other attendings give daily ratings and I post the ratings weekly and it is just giving me more work to do. Casey is improving weekly which I am pleased about but she is the only person I am caring about in this goddamn competition. Naveen has me worried. He is now in sepsis and Panacea have been researching new treatments but I am getting nowhere and it is frustrating. It is meaning having to go to the medical symposium. Already I am filled with dread. Declan Nash.I have managed to keep panacea out, and I want them out. Hopefully I can get what I need without compromising the team.

I thought he was doing a great job of not being discovered but I am wrong. I look up from Naveen and I see a shocked Casey. I go out and I ask her not to tell anyone. She tells me that if she wants me to keep it secret she needs to know fully what the secret is. I am torn. Can I trust anyone like this again but it appears I am left with little choice. I know I should not be inviting her over to my house but where to discuss this. It was the only place that I knew we would be truly alone. The time comes. The only thing that I am concerned about is whether I can keep it as professional as possible. The intercom buzzes and I let Casey in. My brain is a jumble of thoughts, Casey makes a comment about the view and all I do is quickly dismiss it by stating I am rarely here to enjoy it and hope that covers the thoughts of impropriety that are running through my mind. I offer her a glass of wine, and internally chastise myself. “You wanted this to be professional then what are you doing?”

Casey allows me be in control of the timing for the evening. I tell her how Naveen had become unwell and how at the beginning it appeared to be a seasonal illness until it was not. The forgetfulness, the body not doing what it should, kidney issues. When it got too hard to hide, he quit. I persuaded him to let me treat him in secret but I keep coming up empty. She puts her hand on my knee, I do not flinch but muster all the will power to not take it further. We discuss the case, as the evening goes on I feel lighter, unburdened. She assures me I am no longer alone in this. She leaves. I switch to scotch. “I am no longer alone.” The phrase hits me. I know that she is talking about the secret of me treating Naveen but given the death of Delores, everything with Naveen and the changed dynamic with Harper, I had never felt more alone. Then my thoughts go to her hand on my knee and my lack of removing it. Am I that starved for physical touch? Then my mind goes to our interactions. Could I be getting feelings for her of more than professional? No, I tell myself. It is just a neurochemical response from heightened stress I tell myself. Then I remember the tingle in my arm on that first day and I knew that there was no way that was neurochemical. My thoughts then go to our roles and how much of a hypocrite I am. I ended the arrangement with Harper as she was now my superior but here I was entertaining the thought of a relationship with a subordinate. All I knew is that I had someone to help with Naveen and someone who appeared to be someone I could trust. I head to bed, I then masturbate to the thoughts of what I wanted to do to Casey. I wait for the regret and cycle of self loathing but tonight it does not come, tonight there is a feeling of peace and I have the best night sleep I have had in a long time.

A few days later I see Casey. She said it felt good to do what it takes. I also know that she has kept my secret about treating Naveen. Which is of great relief but also comforting knowing that I am not alone anymore. I squeeze her arm affectionately, congratulating her on her win but also for keeping my secret. It was a gesture of appreciation on the surface but I knew it had a deeper meaning and then I spotted Harper. She had to have seen it and I was proved right a mere hour later when she confronted me about my feelings for Dr Valentine. I deny it, even though I know I am lying. There are feelings that I am denying but I have too. In a bid to prove Harper wrong I assign Casey a challenging patient. She is affronted and I do not blame her, the accusation that I was punishing her for knowing about Naveen hurt but I did not want to tell her I was proving a point that I was not favouring her in any way. To my relief she figures out the situation with Mr Platt. I tear him a new one when Casey figures it out. The disrespect he showed Casey and myself was not called for. I was glad that she did not give up despite wanting too and I hoped it showed her that all our patients no matter how rude deserved our due diligence.

The competition goes on. I swear the interns get more and more rabid each week and each week Casey is improving. I try to keep the work she is doing with me in secret out of the competition standings but I can tell that the secret patient is helping her with all her others and her professional confidence is sky high. I can tell Naveen is enjoying the extra company also. He is getting a knowing glint in his eye however. I ignore it. My mind does drift to getting Casey to go with me to the conference in Miami. I still had not heard and I was hoping someone who was not me would be able to get the information I wanted. I was also reluctant to leave Naveen but I had to do this. The results for the week were due the day before I flew out. I was hoping Casey would be number one but even if she was not, she certainly was the most improved intern and surely that needed rewarding. The results are out and Casey is on top, I am proud of her and relieved. I know she has worked hard within the hospital and deserved it. I then announce that Casey will be coming with me to the conference. Harper is shocked and annoyed. I then state that it will give Casey good insight into the industry and also it would be easier if I took her then hiring an assistant for the duration. The reality though starts to sink in. We have enjoyed a great working relationship which has translated into her results of late but the line is blurring and the feelings I have are getting harder to ignore, no matter how much I tell myself I am imagining them or that she is my subordinate. I know it will be a test of my fortitude, one that I have to pass if I am to continue to be a good mentor to her.

Conference time and it does not take long for people to want me. I send Casey to get us checked in and I am shocked that we have one room. We have to make it work. I tell her I will happily take the couch. I then feel bad for using her to get the information I want as we head to the floor and I can see the disappointment when she questions me if she is truly the top intern. I tell her it is genuine, I would have come up with another reason for her to come. She thankfully agrees but state she is only doing this for Naveen. I stay out of sight but close to hear what is happening. It frustrates me that Declan cottoned onto me being involved but I am not surprised. Casey is apologetic but I do not blame her. It is not her fault that Declan still holds a grudge against me for embarrassing him in public. We head to our suite. Instead of celebrating we would be commiserating. After shoving all thoughts of impropriety deep they head to the reception. We part ways early. Something I am thankful for. I engage some of the doctors in some insipid small talk. I eventually find my way to a poker table and I do not know what to feel seeing Casey there. I can see she is making a play for the information but I can see her struggle to come up with some terms. I refuse to let her sacrifice herself for the cause so I step in to take Casey’s place. I know I will regret this but I offer Declan what he has always wanted. The right to conduct medical research on developmental drugs and using the team as a vehicle in that. The game is tense and I have 4 kings, a hand that I know is a winning one but do I lie and say he is winning? He said he would give me the information but me besting him so publicly would make it difficult to get what I require. I decided lying is the risk I need to take and it paid off. He was looking smug but gave me what I wanted. I knew I had a panacea sized problem I needed to solve and I knew that if Naveen found out I would not hear the end of it but he was worth it. We head back to the room and the balcony. The beverages we had at the reception and the bottle of wine I ordered were lowering my inhibitions and god Casey was looking more gorgeous than ever. Before I know it I am kissing Casey and she reciprocates. We stay at the railing and continue, my hands could not get enough of her and her breast was more supple than I ever imagined. She heads into the bed and I follow. All the thoughts of what I wanted to do to her running wild but then the cycle of reasons not to kick in as I crossed the threshold. I do badly want to ignore it but I know I could not go back to being just an intern and attending if I continued. Casey is hurt and I do not blame her but I can not be responsible for ruining her career before it begins. She is hurt and so am I. After she has gone to bed I have a shower, even an icy cold blast does not kill my erection. The session is intense and the guilt and self loathing returns.

To say things are awkward is an understatement. Even Naveen has picked up on the change of dynamics. Neither of us tell him what happened or didn’t happen in Miami but something tells me he somehow knows just by looking at us. The sepsis treatment appears to be working but then he coughs up blood and we have to do some lab work. Casey confronts me about us. She wishes I stop lying to myself. I know I am but I have too. I know she is being the subject of malicious gossip and sabotage but I can not pursue what I want with her. If I do, the rumours will be worse, given her position in the competition. I know the achievements are hers and hers alone. We continue to work but it is hard.

I am dirty with myself for Casey and now for getting Panacea into the hospital. The deal with the devil was necessary but now their appeared to be no way out. I witness something that did not look right and it involved Casey. She assures me that everything is fine and I do not need to worry. I do, however.

I do not give it a second thought until we all hear that our long time patient Mrs Martinez died in Argentina and that the family are bringing the body back for a full autopsy. She tracks me down in the cafeteria. She tells me everything. On one level I was proud of her but also saddened as she could potentially be throwing away all that she worked hard for. I take her to the opera. I am awaiting some test results for Naveen but it appears I am not getting them tonight. I narrate the opera for her. I can see that she sees the same parallels I see. I upturn my hand to meet hers and our fingers intertwine. I chastise myself briefly, but her hand in mine just feels so right. The opera ends and she is emotional. She kisses me. I kiss back and pull away. “Us, it is complicated.” I knew I was lying, us could not happen, it is unethical, she is my subordinate and winning the competition, a relationship with me would tarnish all that she has worked for and she did not deserve that.

“Well for me it is not.” I should rebuke her but I want to kiss her again one last time. So that is what I do. The house lights come on and we break the kiss. We go our separate ways home. I know if I took her we would end up at mine and as much as I wanted her up against my windows writhing in sheer ecstasy, it could and would not happen. Instead I drink to stop the thought. Naveen is getting worse, Delores and if an investigation is called for what happened with Mrs Martinez I know Casey could end up gone. The common thread is me. I am a poisoned chalice, I know Delores decided to wait with the baby but I was still involved, Naveen dying and Casey. Then I look back on all the relationships that I have cared about with someone, Estelle, Tobias, Harper, Naveen, Delores, Casey, Louise. They all have one thing in common.Me. In that moment I am alone, more alone than when I was when Louise walked out, it is now that I concede that I am unworthy, unloveable and as much as it was painful, that I was better off alone. I scream then cry and fall into a troubled sleep, the images of a torn Casey taunting me in my dreams.

The next day comes and my worst suspicions with Casey and Naveen are confirmed. The latest round of tests show that Naveen only has a month to live. I know he will not want to stay and I could not feel like any more than a failure. Casey is also being investigated, well the whole group but I know she will be hard pushed for anything fair, given how much of the ethics committee is in the back pocket of Panacea and Declan.

The test results shake me a lot, I know Casey needs me as her mentor but I have failed her too and she does not need to be tarnished by any association with me so I do what I do best and shut her out.

I put off telling Naveen but I know I have too. Casey tracks me down and comes with me. It is harrowing but somehow it is easier with her there. I give Naveen the news. He is not disappointed in me, he knows I gave it my all. It does not make me feel better. He does what I knew he would do and leaves. Me and Casey see him out. Everyone he sees is surprised to see him. We make our way out front. He says goodbye to myself first, giving me a big hug and bids farewell to Casey. We watch him catch the bus. Casey kisses me softly. I return the kiss and kiss down her neck into I burrow my face into the crook of her neck. At that moment I knew what I would do next. We separate and head in. Harper sees us and raises an eyebrow and then asks if it was true about Naveen. I say “He is gone and so am I” as I rip my badge off and hand it to her. Harper is shocked and Casey runs after me and tries to block my exit. She sais she needs me, as well as others but I tell her I am not the doctor she thinks I am. I am holding back tears at this point, I shake my head, let go of her hand and leave. I know I was cruel to her but I was right, she deserved better than me, in every sense of the word.

Authors note: this was hard as I have covered some of this are from Ethan and Casey and trying not to repeat myself too much. Same with the next few chapters to an extent. For those who have read this far thank you

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[rickie-the-storyteller]

Happy Storyteller Saturday!!!

What are the things that you would say make your character's skin crawl?

If you had to describe that one moment in your characters' past that changed everything for them - for better or for worse - in a few words and without spoiling anything, what would it be?

Tell me: what are the best things in your characters' life and what is their general view of the world around them?

Happy Storyteller Saturday to you too.

This is another really fascinating question... and it's also something I didn't really think about deeply for every single one of them lol. Like Steph, for instance... she doesn't typically get squeamish or frightened by things. Most of the things that she fears are kind of internal, emotional stuff. Like, she's afraid of fully opening up to people, she's afraid of being vulnerable. She's afraid of showing others her whole self. That's why she tends to avoid any mega-deep conversations. It's also why she never really had friends before she moved to London (well, that as well as the fact that she's never really stayed in one place before, so it would be difficult to maintain strong relationships that way lol). This kind of changes once she gets with Ben, though (at least to some degree lol. Old habits die hard... but I guess it's a good thing, since good strong relationships are kind of about being able to comfortably communicate and this often includes being vulnerable).

Something I wrote for Alice which I think sort of counts as a "skin crawling" thing is that she's afraid of the creepy crawlies. Like spiders, flies, daddy-long-legs, etc. This is the exact opposite of Mary, her twin sister. Because of that, Mary, unfortunately, is the designated insect killer/pest control person in their house (she's the one that's responsible for taking care of the bugs. Story of my life growing up 😆).

(More below)

Now, in terms of big character moments that change their lives, I definitely have more to say on all that. Let's go!

Stephanie

Having both her parents abandon her as a small child (haven't really gone into her backstory too much, but yeah... she lost both her parents. That's how she got in foster care 😔)

Moving to London and meeting her current group of friends

Staying with her latest foster family, the Spencers (Melanie's family)

Meeting Ben and eventually getting with him

Melanie's death (duh)

Running away from home and moving in with Ben

Stephanie essentially goes with the whole idea of "Carpe Dium." She's used to instability, so now she just takes everything in stride. She doesn't prepare for anything, she doesn't go through life with super high expectations. She's just having fun living life. Which kind of sounds cynical in a sense (and it leads to some reckless behaviour and questionable choices), but she finds that this mindset is actually kind of liberating. She never gets disappointed by people or circumstances. She never lets herself get hurt. She's free. At least, she believes that she's free.

Bret

Going to a Coldplay concert when he was 7

His uncle Gordon giving him a kit of music production equipment for his 10th birthday, kickstarting his passion for music and songwriting

Getting an A in his first big music project (in music production)

Losing his parents in a car accident (which lead to him having to move in with his aunt)

Bret is kind of indifferent to everything lol. Losing his parents really hit him hard, and made him feel like nothing could make him feel even the slightest bit better. So he stopped caring. He stopped caring enough to try. He's like, "nothing is ever going to change anyway, so why bother?" Which is obviously a bad way to think. Part of his character arc is shifting this negative mentality, and growing into a stronger, better and happier person.

Elise

Losing her grandparents (she was really close to them)

Adam accidentally impregnating his high school girlfriend, Grace (which lead to her actually getting banned from dating in high school herself - her parents are really strict and protective of their kids, and they wanted to avoid a similar thing happening to her)

Adam getting kicked out of the house (Elise is super close to her brother, so it hurt a lot to not have him around with her anymore)

Having to leave her choir due to teasing and bullying surrounding Adam's little incident

Elise is interesting because she goes through a lot of difficult things, but she appears to have her life completely together. She seems like a really happy girl. Because she is. She has this positive mindset through all her challenges, and this is kind of what pulls her through everything she faces. She goes into everything with an open mind, an open heart, resilience and optimism that she will be ok in the end (I wish I had that superpower lol).

Dylan

Discovering the TV show, "Lazy Town" back when he was 4. He was a huge fan back in his primary school days lol (may sound silly, but this kind of what kickstarts his passion for sports, exercise and just general healthy living. Plus, I wanted to include a small aspect of my childhood into his character lol. That show was so much fun, and it does a good job of showing kids how to create a good balance in life)

His parents getting a divorce (I can say from experience that this is hella rough on everyone involved... especially with shared custody. Always being dragged here and there, missing one parent while you're staying at the other's, etc)

Mum getting engaged to someone new (Dylan's storyline is basically him and his father and brother coming to terms with the fact that his mother is remarrying someone that isn't his dad, and the fact that she is moving away with her new guy. Heavy stuff)

Dylan is sort of similar to Steph with the whole "Carpe Dium" thing. However, he is a little bit more thoughtful and careful than she is. I mean, they're both reckless (ad they have a few parallels in their arcs, too, like running away from their families due to not getting that warm feeling of love and security and support that they need from home), but almost everything Dylan does has some sort of reason behind it, even if it's kind of flimsy. You can tell that he puts thought into his decision-making, even to the point where he'll ask for advice, while Stephanie tends to just make choices at a whim.

Alice

Going to her first dance lesson at age 6 (she's a very skilled dancer and still trains a lot to this day)

Moving to the UK (from the United States. Specifically from Dallas, Texas, which, fun fact: I have a few uncles and cousins that live there! So I've been there a few times. It's great!)

Alice just gets through life by laughing at everything lol. I've mentioned that she masks her insecurity with humour. Well, humour is how she deals with pretty much everything. She makes herself laugh at the really tough stuff she has to face and deal with on a regular basis. She finds the stupidity in everything. She's super pessimistic and cynical, but she rolls with it. Again, I wish I had this super power...

Fun fact: I got this idea from Lorelai from Gilmore Girls! Here's the specific clip: