#but I've said that multiple times before and it got worse and eventually was just a lie.

[the-cinnamon-snail]

.

[tinydefector]

Rut Cycle- Jazz

Jazz x human

Word count: 2k

Masterlist

Rut cycle masterlist

Jazz masterlist

Warnings: Smut, Size difference, Alpha/Omega hinted, Heat/Ruts, creampie, Oral

Other info: I've got a vote going for who you guys want next but this is a full on Gen 1 ones hot series I'm making.

__________________

The whole autobot base is on high alert due to everyone's rut cycle hitting. The multiple meeting between the Autobots and Decepticons over a ceasefire truce for Rut cycles. Jazz's Engine lets out a churn of noises as he leans back against his berth, he had decided it was for the best he retire after the meetings, it meant he was less likely to have problems with the scent of the human allies that also roamed the Ark, most of the humans had been asked to go home for the next week and a bit but a few still hung around. 

The soft sound of knocking breaks Jazz out of his thoughts as he moves towards the door to see who it is. Jazz’s visor flickers as he sees his favourite little human standing at his doorstep with a cube of energon on a cart for him. They smile as they look up at him. “Boss bot said you'd be back here, thought I'd drop you off a cube and come hang out if you're up for it” they state while pushing it into his room. 

 Primus they weren't helping the situation despite how much they tried to assist the bots, how close they came To nearly being snatched up by starscream in their meeting early, he knew it was just the rut and how sweet their scent was to the bots but even he was getting close to his limits with how much he could handle before he eventually succumb to the old coding. 

He cycled a deep ventilation, savouring the sweet crystal high grade smell wafting from their form. It makes his sensors ache and his engine whine in need. “ thanks Lil’ Bit. Yer always lookin’ out fer us bots.” He hums as he leans down to grab the Energon Cube. Primus, they stirred circuitry like nothing ever had. 

“Reckon ya better skedaddle now, ‘fore things get outta hand round here. We’ll be right as rain once this wave passes... but it ain’t no place fer a little sweet thing like yerself,  while tension are High with the Cons.” Most of the Bots hadn't Told the humans the reason as to why they had been asked to leave, many believed it was because of the Decepticons, and the Autobots not wanting any harm to come to them, in truth that was only part of the reason, the other part was how their scent made the cybertronians Rut worse and many of them weren't willing to risk hurting any of their allies Due to it. Didn’t stop Jazz from wishing, though, just for a taste, but he knew it wouldn't stop at just a taste.

Slight worry crosses their face as they look up at Jazz.  "Robo flu?, you didn't get that static bug again, or that little critter the Cons made which caused so much issue in the base last time" They teasingly inquire as they press a hand to his plating as if to check him for a fever out of habit. 

a ragged vent of air leaves him at their touch, joints locking to steel against surging charge and wanting to grab them. Plating heated beneath their hand. His visor lit with barely-restrained longing as azure optics peered down at their concerned face. "Ain't no bug, cher," he lamented softly. "Jus' a bit of a... condition we bots get sometimes. Nuthin' t' worry yer pretty headplate 'bout." 

Gentle digits itched to trace the curve of their cheek, taste their skin against glossa sensors gone mad with need. But he'd offlined his hardsuit protocols, locking down his traitorous system until after they left the room. His frame grew hotter with each passing breem. 

"Ya best skedaddle now, sweetspark." His field pulsed bittersweet promise of a raincheck, "And leave you by your lonesome while Prowl's even more foul?, could keep you company and get you energon when you need it, plus don't need you having a short circuit while i'm gone, cant have my favourite DJ sick can i?" The sweet scent on their skin has Jazz nearly drooling as they offer to stay with him and keep him company. 

Jazz cycled a shuddering vent engine whining loudly in need, grip creaking upon his half-empty cube as lithe form crossed their arms as they moved to make themself comfortable on his berth that was now piled with Blankets, tarps, polish clothes. 

His systems flashing warning as the magnetic field begged surrender to baser instincts, he desperately wanted to interface or at least let off some steam before he lost his mind and control. "Gonna hafta refuse that favour, li'l sweet. Y'got no idea ... th' things ya do t'me right now." His digits flexed, aching to caress them, claim. He walks to the other side of the room as if an injured animal that's cornered.  

Optics linger over their temptin' outline, memorising every curve as if famine-struck. "Please, lil' spark. F'r both our sakes." His Field pulsed apologetically for cutting their visit short, but he couldn't risk them. They stand up on the berth as he walks around in circles. 

Worry lingers on their face as they try to calm him down. “Jazzie talk to me, you're walking around like a cornered animal and you're worrying me” they state as he stops in front of them, his frame stiff as he holds off one last attempt to let them leave before he does something he would regret. Jazz nearly purrs as they cup his face looking up at his visor. Their hands feel divine against his faceplate. 

 The last shred of Jazz's ironclad control sheared away as they ran their fingers across his faceplate holding his face as they stared into his optics as sparked couples would. Tender servo curls around their waist as he uses a digit to lift their chin as a rumble resonated from his cracked spark.  "So sweet t'care... but ya jus' don' understand, li'l sweetspark." Trembling digits traced the fragile line of their face, unable to withstand their pull any longer. 

A deep, subsonic field pulsed from his frame. “I think I've got enough of an idea” they state while pressing their lips to his. A thundering roar leaves his engine as he grabs hold of them pulling them up against his frame as his lips desperately move against theirs. Tasting the sweet yet sinful flavour that is their skin. 

 He cycled his systems,warnings flashing critical. but Primus, how he ached to finally seize what haunted his every fantasised line of code...They whined loudly against his lips, his name muttered between breaths.

All of Jazz's fraying restraint snapped like cheap cabling. A strangled keen tore from his vocalizer as delicate grip yanked them flush against Plating as he eagerly pressed them down against the berth. 

He seized their jaw in a trembling servo, glossa delving past yielding lips with a starved groan. They taste like ecstasy and Rust sticks. Another rumble left deep from his frame. 

His other servo scoured down their back in rapture, digits aching to rip through their clothing and discard it across the floor. "Cher..." he gasped against their mouth. Name spilled like prayer as his interface panel snapped open his spike snaking out, straining against their covered form. 

Whimpered moans leave them as his servos grip thier clothing, dragging it off their body as he throws it across the room, glossa tracing down their form as he eagerly laps against their skin. 

At their little nosies Jazz’s Optics flared, visor blazing, Trembling servos gentled spead their thighs, pressing gentle kisses along them before he bites down and sucks a mark into the skin. “H-hold on t’ me, li’l one,” he rasped out as his glossa traces along their sex “Jus’ hang on tight. Lemme take care’a ya...” 

Slowly, with far more grace than rationality warranted, Jazz began to rock his Glossa against their pulsing warmth with aching care. A loud groan and engine roar leaves him at the taste of them. His optics drank in every flicker of pleasure stealing across their face as the arch and rock against him.

 His spike aches and leaks against the bedding as he slowly works his little human open with his glossa, preping and readying them.  

Jazz burrowed his faceplate between their quivering legs, purrs interlacing pleasured moans dragging from his vocals. His servo curled beneath their legs, hitching them higher. "Primus, babydoll.. so perfect..." He gasped prayers and profanities, they arch and grip his helm as his glossa continues to drive into them. Their gasping cries, have his engine roaring louder.

He pulls away for a moment as he flips them lifting their hips up as he grinds his needy spike against their back, a guttural moan leaves him before he snarls, gripping their waist firmly. Jazz shuddered out a keening groan as he slowly presses his spike into them, stretching them to accommodate his size. 

so tight - so hot and sweet he feared offlining upon first plunge into their sweet little form, their scent driving him wild as his field lets out pulse of energy.  

He curled his servos around their fragile hips, grinding slowly into them, helm tilted back as he clenchs his denta from how tight of a fit it is. "Frag, yes!" he bellowed, slowly picking up pace as he drives into them. Their hands grip onto the blankets as needy moans and cries fall from their lips each time Jazz thrust back into them, grinding his spike into their Smaller form. 

" So beautiful, so perfect...mmm, my Lil mate..." He gasped brokenly, intake clenching.

His thrusts turned feral, spike swelling. He dragged their joined frames up. Holding them to his frame as he goes into frenzy, slamming brutally home again and again.

"Mine," Jazz snarled ferally. "Gonna overload ya so fraggin' good, li'l cher..."

Another savage buck of his hips sent them keening, body pulsing and bucking as they cry out from pleasure. “Jazz oh God!, Jazz!” They claw at his plating desperately trying to grab hold of his arm as he drives into them as feral snarls leave him. A guttural groan echoed from Jazz's intake as their clamp and fluttered wildly around his spike, 

"Frag, li'l bit-, that it, mmm so good" he moans, His spike throbbed mercilessly within their small channel, Another ragged groan was wrenched from depths of his frame as their orgasm hits, his name falling from their lips as if it were a prayer.

He tenses, another guttural moan leaves him and he presses them back down onto the berth, frantically griding into thier tight body. spike pulsing frantically. With a static-laced keen, Jazz finally tumbled over the edge, filling their much smaller body to the brim with bright pink transfluid. Jazz threw back his head with a roar as their tiny frame rolled back to meet each piston in desperation as he pumps more and more into their needy hole. "Frag, yes sweetspark - take it, take m'transfluid, take it all!" 

He rolled deftly within, overload ripped through wiring in a cascade. Transfluid spurted from them as it rolls down their  thighs onto the berth as Jazz holds them close, smaller whines leavign his intake as he grinds into their shuttering body.  

With one finally thust he settles, fan systems on full blast as his frame desperately tries to cool down as he rolls to his side, cradling their body against his, holding them close, his other servo piles the blankets around their exhausted body as he keeps them plugged with his spike. Little whimpered whines leave them as he leans his helm down to press a gentle kiss to their forhead. His systems are slow to reboot, but one thing was for certain,  he wasn't finished with them and he would be damned to the pits if he let them leave his berth until after everyone's rut had subsided. “don't move Babydoll, ain't done with ya yet” he mumbles voice still static laced as his optics shutter behind his visor. 

___________

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@shadow-prime

[kurithedweeb]

Does anyone else remember how Travis is implied to be a shapeshifter in canon? He has his human form, his demon form, but he's also said to have several other forms that we don't see in canon. I've seen redesigns where he has a third form somewhere between the full human and the full demon that's his real form, usually including horns and cool markings, but what if he also has less humanoid forms?

He lives in complete isolation for years, surviving in the wild and protecting the local village as best he can like his mother did before him. Everything he does is to protect and survive. Being able to shift is a tool: turning into a bear saved him from freezing to death when he got caught out in a blizzard, being a wolf or a snow leopard helps him track and hunt in ways he can't when human, becoming a fox or something else small lets him slip out of dangerous spots like that one time the snow gave out beneath him and he fell in a hidden ravine. All of these forms have pure white hair/fur too, which is amazing camouflage when you live on an island covered completely in snow and ice. These forms are useful, they come to him so naturally that they're a part of him, and he accepts these parts so much more readily than he does the warlock part of him.

Here's the thing about shapeshifting, though: it hurts. It hurts a lot. When Travis shifts, he's rearranging everything inside of him and shedding his skin to condense himself into another's. He doesn't like to do it in front of other people because even though he's used to it, it's still a very uncomfortable and an incredibly vulnerable moment for him because he can't exactly stop halfway through. But what's worse is not shifting at all.

If he goes too long without changing forms, a sort of itch will build up inside him. At first it's not so bad, it's comparable to a bug bite, but if he ignores it for too long it festers into something unbearable. It hurts so bad it makes him want to peel himself out of this skin by hand. He has scars from scratching at his arms and legs, trying to pacify the itching for long enough that he can find somewhere safe to shift. Sometimes he spends a week scratching and bleeding and tearing off the scabs, rinse and repeat, and then he has to wait for the scratches to heal enough that he won't hurt himself shifting. He learned the hard way that shifting while injured just means tearing out his stitches and worsening his wounds. But he has to shift eventually or he'll drive himself insane.

This leads to some interesting interactions with Laurance. As far as Travis knows, everyone with multiple forms is like him. Everyone seems to know already that Laurance has another form (his Shadow Knight form) but Travis has never seen him in any form besides his human one. How is he not going crazy? Doesn't it hurt? Isn't he in pain all the time?

And maybe they're not in the same kind of pain, but there's an odd sort of understanding there.

[genderlessghoul]

Episode 19482938 of me having Feelings™ and making Phantom pay for it. I do be projecting on that ghoul way to much.

Anyways this one is called "Phantom is a dumbass that doesn't want to use proper binder etiquette and Dew had to scold him for it. There's trans angst in it."

~1.2k

“When's the last time you took your binder off?”

Phantom flinches at the question, tries not to look like he's about to be caught in a lie. He doesn't take his eyes off the tv screen, this is a very serious game of Mario Kart. Dew is unimpressed by his attempt at ignoring the question and walks up to him, hits the button on the controller he knows will pause the game.

“Look me in the eyes, Phantom.”

His tone is commanding, there's no escape possible. The quintessence ghoul sets the controller by his side on the couch and looks up at the fire ghoul. 

“When’s the last time you took your binder off?”

He repeats, annoyance evident in his tone.

“Last night. I don't sleep in it, like you told me to.”

Phantom knows that's not entirely what he meant but he'll be damned (well… more than he already is) if he doesn't try to deflect.

“You know full well that's not what I meant. When's the last time you took a day off from it? And don't even think about lying, I'm the one who does your laundry.”

Phantom shifts in his seat, already done with the conversation. He's not fond of Dew babying him like this all the time.

“Why do you ask, if you already know?”

“Becauuuuse” the fire ghoul starts, crossing his arms over his chest “I want you to be the one to tell me what you're doing to your body. You might not like it but it's the only one you got.”

The younger ghoul slumps back against the couch and rolls his eyes. “I dunno, a week maybe?”

“Try two weeks.”

“Can't have been that long…”

“It has.” Dew's tone gets more firm as he steps fully in front of the other ghoul. Satanas, they can be stupid when they're so fresh. “You need to take days off from it, you can't just wear it for weeks like that.”

“Why not? I'm not sleeping in it, like you said. I'm not wearing it for longer than eight hours, like you said. I'm not doing physical labor in it, like you said. Feels like everything should be fine!”

“Are you trying to fuck up your ribs forever? Because it feels like you're trying to fuck up your ribs forever.”

“I'm trying not to want to jump off the abbey's roof. I thought you understood that well enough.”

Dew takes a deep breath and leans forward to rest his hands on Phantom's shoulder. His eyes focus on the quintessence ghoul's, who refuses to meet his gaze. He tries to soften his voice before he speaks again.

“I do understand, baby boy. But I can't let you be reckless with your own health like that. You gotta take it off now.”

Phantom lets out a sigh before bringing his eyes up to Dew. “I don't like the way it feels when I don't have it on. Especially now, it just… it's just been worse recently.”

“I know, baby. I know. Come, let me show you a thing or two that might help.”

He takes Phantom's hand in his own and gently coaxes him up, pulling him to the fire ghoul's room. He orders him to sit on the bed and take off his shirt and binder while Dew rummages through the drawers in his dresser for something. The quintessence ghoul is slow to obey but he eventually does, taking his t-shirt to hide himself once his top half is bare. 

Dewdrop makes a triumphant noise when he finally finds what he's looking for and turns back to the younger ghoul sitting uncomfortably on the edge of his bed. He raises an eyebrow at him.

“You do know I've seen you naked before, right? Like… multiple times.”

“Like I said… it's been worse.”

Dew's eyes soften on him, he remembers all too well what it was like to get those periods where even acknowledging the two mounds (more like knobs, really, in his own case) of flesh on his chest was too much to bear. “It's okay. You know we're working hard to get a date scheduled. In the meantime, you have to make sure you take care of your stupid lungs.”

He walks back to the bed, piece of fabric in hand and presents it to Phantom. “It's a sports bra. It doesn't do the same job as a binder at all but it'll help on days where you can't wear it. Rain wears one almost all the time now, just 'cuz it's more comfortable.”

Phantom takes it from Dewdrop and takes a moment to examine the piece. It's black and stretchy, but a firm stretch. The straps are thinner than he's used to, he thinks it might become a sensory issue but he wills himself to pull it over his head.

Dew's right, it doesn't do the same job as a binder, but it does help make his chest appear smaller. And it's a lot more comfortable. He tries taking a deep breath and finds no resistance or discomfort at all. He thinks he might get used to it. Dewdrop throws a loose shirt his way.

“Try it with this.”

Phantom obeys and walks over to the mirror mounted on the wall. The swell of his breasts is still noticeable but it's barely there. Enough to last a couple days, he thinks. Enough to give himself a break.

“If you really need to” Dew steps closer to him and settles in his back, watching both their reflection “we can try tape again too. I know it didn't exactly go smoothly last time but it'd be better if you let me help, yeah?”

“Yeah.” Phantom almost chokes on the word. 

Binder, sports bra, loose clothes, tape, so many things with so many rules just to make others see him the way he wants to be seen, just to make him feel better about his own body. His own body. He's seen the way his packmates drip with confidence, the love they have for the way they look. He knows some of them worked harder than others for it but they all have it. All he has is disgust and shame, no amount of hiding will change that. Why was he not summoned properly? Why is his body nothing but wrong?

He gets pulled back to reality by a warm hand turning him around and finding itself resting on his cheek. A thumb wipes away a tear he didn't realize had fallen from his eye.

“Hey, I know how it feels right now. More than most, trust me. I can see right through that look in your eyes, I used to wear the same. I still do sometimes. We do what we can with what we have but sometimes it feels like it's never good enough, like we will never be good enough for us. We are. Never let anyone tell you otherwise, even yourself. You deserve to love yourself, Ant.”

Phantom takes a deep shaky breath to steady himself and nods. “I know. Sometimes theory is just harder than practice.”

Dew smiles at him “We'll work on it then. Now… I believe you had a game of Mario Kart to finish?”

[eiko-chatter]

(CW death, suicide) 6 months ago today, I lost a close friend.

Mari was - someone who loved unabashedly and shared it with the world, despite having been horribly wronged by it. She made a point of complimenting strangers because she knew she was unthreatening and wanted people to know the things about them she appreciated. She tried hard to reach out to people she thought seemed neat, even though it took her time to build up the courage - that's how we met in the first place, at skating night. (she told me later she'd been building up the courage to talk to me the first 3 times we'd been at skating together). In my short time with her, she made it abundantly clear how much she loved her people - her entire soul lit up when she talked about them. She told me so many stories about people I didn't know very well and more about people I'd never met - will probably never meet, now - and even though she's gone, a little piece of her love for them remains.

She brought that energy to her hobbies - she wrote and shared really detailed strategy guides for the games she played, made and published free translations of foreign gay comics on request - and her friendships. I met Mari only a few weeks before my roommate's cat died. She came to visit us a day or two later, brought us flowers, and kept us company while we grieved. She checked in on us every day, sometimes multiple times a day, and did what she could to help. She was meticulous about keeping track of people's preferences and triggers, and thanked me whenever i told her about one so that she could use it to be more effectively kind.

I didn't really learn the details of what Mari was going through until a week before she died, but it was - genuinely harrowing. She was really hesitant to talk about it at all, but it eventually got bad enough that she was willing to, and when I heard the details I invited her to come to stay with us to get a break and have some company. She stayed with us for 3 days, during which she was more scared and frightened than I'd ever seen her. By the time I took her back home, things had gotten worse - she said she just wanted to be alone, that she thought that would help, so I hugged her and left. (it was the last time I'd see her. she was smiling at me and making a little heart gesture with her hands as I drove away). But being alone ended up being worse for her - she asked me if she should find someone to babysit her, but I - didn't know anyone in her area (it was a pretty long drive), and she was having a lot of trouble with her local social group, so we planned on having me go down to look after her that Saturday, and I spent the time until then checking in on her as often as I could. Friday afternoon she told me she was really grateful that I was doing that for her. It was the last thing she ever said to me.

When I got there Saturday, she was gone. She'd left out a bunch of things that she wanted to gift or return to people. She wrote a note, apologizing to everyone in her life for not being strong enough to ask for help, telling them how much she loved them and how good they were, and a warning on the door, saying not to come in and to instead call 911. (i didn't listen. i wish i had. even then, she was trying so hard to make sure whoever found her wouldn't be hurt more than they had to).

i loved Mari from the moment i knew her well enough to see her for who she was. i've tried, in the last 6 months, to bring a little bit of her kind and thoughtful spirit into my interactions with people, and to do small things to look after the people i know she loved and cared about.

i wish things could have been different. she deserved so much better than this. so often i see things or meet people and think about - how much she would have loved them, how much i wish i could have shared them with her. i miss her so much, still. losing her was the most painful thing i've ever gone through, by far. my friends and family have been - incredibly kind and patient and loving and generous with me. i know i would be doing so much worse without them and am deeply indebted to them. i'm trying really hard to - continue being the kind of person i want to be, to have the traits that she loved in me. it's - often really hard, though it's been getting easier, bit by bit.

goodbye, Mari. i'll always love you. the world is forever diminished by your absence.

[writers-requiem]

Lonely Woes & Fatherly Love

Pairing: Hank McCoy x teen!Reader

Genere: Angst, Depression Comfort

Warnings: mentions of past trauma, suicide attempts, abandonment, drug use, violence and abuse

A/N: Hank isn't actually the reader's dad, just a fatherly figure

Your life was a shit show. There was no getting around it.

One disaster after another with almost no room for a reprieve from it all. Constant feelings of anxiety and depression from failed relationships with family and 'friends'. It was a nightmare without an end. Your parents were part of a drug cartel that you wanted no relation with, your first love had a marijuana addiction and died a year later, all your friends were reckless jerks since primary, and your recent ex made your life even more miserable by constantly comparing you to other people and saying they would be better partners but that he had to be stuck with you.

But that wasn't the worst of it, because not once, not twice, but on five different occasions, you were a ransom hostage and were starved, beaten, and harassed in more ways than you cared to count. Eventually it all culminated with you attempting suicide multiple times but each time being saved by a hero or a some stranger. Making matters worse is that you were only between the ages of 4 and 13 during all that time. And now you're 16

Which leads us to today. You sat alone on a park bench, down on your luck. No food, no house or apartment, not even a penny to get those, and the only solace you have is that you had a jacket to keep yourself away from the cold rain which was pouring buckets.

"Just like every other day..." You said in a solemn, bitter tone.

Your stomach rumbled incessantly, desperate for food and water to sate your hunger and thirst. But all you could get were scraps, and not even that could sate you.

"You seem hungry" a kind male voice said, "I know a dry spot to eat at. Follow me."

The man, dressed in a trench coat and fedora, gently helped you to your feet and gently guided you to the place he spoke of.

Once you had arrived at the location, he took off his fedora revealing his blue furry face. You recognized him as Dr. Hank McCoy or Beast. He had saved you a couple of times before. Once from a hostage situation, and the second from one of your suicide attempts.

"Why did you bring me here?" you asked, your voice tired and strained from days without rest or nourishment.

"Well, I've been keeping an eye on you for a little while now and saw what's been happening with you" he stated in a matter of fact tone accented with worry, "And it seems that fate hasn't been kind to you."

"Never has been..." you said, voice clearly fading from exhaustion and dehydration.

Hank gently wrapped an arm around you and helped you to sit down in the car which you only now noticed since he had opened the door and got you settled in.

Once in the car, he fastened your seatbelt and took his position on the driver's seat and drove off. To where, you couldn't tell since you fell asleep, finally succumbing to the pull of rest.

When you woke up, you found yourself in a comfy bed in an ornate but not too fancy looking room. You also saw that you were covered in bandages and had a cast and sling for your arm. You also weren't wearing your old rags of clothes and were in a white T-shirt and black shorts. Then the door to the room opened, and there walked in a familiar face.

"Oh thank heaven above, you're awake" Hank said with a relieved smile on his face.

"Where am I?" you asked, understandably confused.

"Welcome to Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters" he said, "A place that many like you or I would describe as a new home."

This made your ears perk up. "Home?" you asked with a glimmer of hope and longing in your eyes.

"Yes" he said. He then placed the tray of food to the side and gently held your hand and looked at you like a father would with his son after a traumatic event, "And it's your new home too."

He then picked up the spoon and grabbed some soup with it. It was clear what he was trying to do, so you let him slowly spoon-feed you since your free arm was numb and limp. Strangely, it felt like you were with someone you just wanted to call, 'dad'.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

WIBTA if I put a sign near my home?

I'm honestly not sure how to title this, but this is what makes the most sense.

Let's start with some background. Me, my husband, and my roommate (all of us are late 20s M) have been stalked by someone online and in person for over a year now, let's call him Xavier. It all started when he was in a pretty nasty breakup, and we hung out with him for about a month and a half to give him support and help him out when needed it. However, he kept asking us to stalk his ex, triggered my husband on multiple occasions after asking him to stop, kept making fun of my roommates appearance, was really mean to my animals, among many other things that I don't really want to get into. I kept justifying his behavior to myself thinking that he was just going through a rough time and needed help, I even talked to him in person on numerous occasions about how he needed to cut it out, but eventually enough was enough.

After about a month of him coming over on weekends, we reached out to Xavier's ex to talk to him, see what was going on and get his side of the story ya know? We told him of all the things we collectively said about him, and apologized for everything since we only had Xavier's info to rely on, and we've been hanging out with his ex ever since because he's a fun guy to be around. We cut Xavier off before we started hanging with his ex, and now we hang out with him at least every two weeks bc again, he's really fun to be around. But Xavier refuses to leave all of us alone. I've warned my friends about him since they've seen Xavier around occasionally, warning them casually in like a "here's what happened to me, just keep an eye out for him, but I'm not gonna stop you if you want to be friends" kind of way.

It just kept getting worse with Xavier, he even shared the small town we live in online when his ex posted a photo of us hanging out, and it feels like he's waiting for any reason to doxx our home. We've even spotted his car around the town we live in, and driving by our house on a few occasions.

Now, Xavier has a fairly large online following, like some thousands of followers, and loves detailing every little aspect of his life online. I was on and off friends with him before he gained a following, but then noticed he got super egotistical and acted as an authority figure on any matter that doesn't involve him. He often talks about me and my husband's life, if we have friends over, or parties, or whatever we might have going on. We have not hung out with him in over a YEAR as well, and he continues to post things about our lives. Reporting his accounts have done nothing (except for getting one account getting taken down on a brand new social media), and I'm unable to involve authorities at this point (and would like to avoid them altogether if possible) because of a lack of proof and not being in "immediate danger".

So here's my question! WIBTA if I put a sign near my house that says " Xavier Sucks "?

My reasoning is, since he posts everything online, he'd definitely take a picture of it and post it, basically telling on himself. There's absolutely no way he wouldn't, he loves being enraged online nowadays. It provides enough proof that he is actively stalking our home, and hopefully loses his accounts so I can finally be free of this. I feel like an asshole especially because of how angry I've been, and since this would give me the confidence to "call him out". I'm also being really bitter and want no trace of his accounts anywhere, and I believe him to be too much of a coward to do anything directly to me or my family in person. I'm just so tired of this and want to be left alone, and really don't know what to do otherwise. So, I'm coming to random strangers on the internet to tell me if I'm an asshole!

What are these acronyms?

[swearyshera]

I’m sorry what??? You have a furry ex who (tried to?) committed murder?! Alice you can’t just share things like that and not give us the full story

Oh, there is the most batshit crazy story behind it. I'll stick it under the cut because it has next to nothing to do with the blog (other than to provide partial explanation as to why I'm like this). Cw for murder and horrifying sexual acts.

I'll also say, just before I start, that some of you may be aware of this - may even be aware of my involvement - so I'd ask you not to talk about me in relation to it too much. I've changed a few things about myself (including my name) to try and ensure a clean break from it, but I'm happy to talk about it still.

So... Cast your mind back to autumn 2008. At that time, a sprightly young 20-year-old me met a 19-year-old guy that we will call Steve (that's not his real name). Now, being woefully naïve and having at-the-time undiagnosed BPD, I was the sort of person who would fall deeply in love with anyone who showed me the slightest bit of kindness, and Steve did. He seemed caring, had a wild sense of humour, and genuinely appeared to love me back.

And what that did to me was that it made me ignore an entire truckload of red flags. His house was one level above a squat, bare floorboards and windows, no heating ("We can just snuggle under a blanket and share body heat") and I'm pretty sure he spent more money on beer and DVDs than he did on food. But I didn't seem to give a shit, those rose-tinted glasses were stuck firmly on, so I just ignored that stuff. There was worse, too, things that I felt a little uncomfortable with at the time and only realised years later were... well, let's just say I'd implore everyone to be able to identify what consent does and doesn't look like, because it's not always clear when you don't know for sure.

Anyhow, we'd been together about 4 or 5 months. He spent Christmas with me because he had no family to go to, I visited his house, played the "slightly bemused partner at the furry meet-up" role a couple of times, and things (at least to me) seemed to be great. Then one weekend in February, he mentioned that he was going to see some friends - absolutely fine by me, he did that fairly often and I didn't think anything of it. I texted him in the evening asking him how his day was, and he replied "Had a good day, but didn't go meet them".

That was the last message I got.

I didn't hear from him for the rest of the evening. Or the day after. Or the day after that. I got worried, because it wasn't like him to go silent - he wasn't even online on MSN (2000s reference!). And then I got a message from his aunty asking if I'd heard from him - that rang alarm bells. I reached out to a few of the people he knew, and no-one had heard a thing.

He'd been 'missing' for about a week and a half when I got another message from his aunty. She asked me if I knew a guy called Craig (again, not his real name), and I didn't. Then she asked me something that I can still remember verbatim to this day, she said "Do you have a loving family? You're going to need them, I'm sorry." and sent me a link to a news article. I clicked through to find a story in a local newspaper about two men being held for attempted murder. One of them was Steve.

The next few months flashed by as I found my belief about who he was completely trashed and flipped upside down. I discovered he'd been seeing multiple people behind my back, including this Craig guy, and I tried to find out what had happened, and what eventually came out was a completely other life that I didn't know about. I spoke to the Police about him, and was expecting to speak as a witness at the trial (in the end, thankfully, I did not have to do that). But the reality of what happened was fucking wild.

Steve and Craig had developed some weird-ass master/pet relationship, which led to 'role play' about killing Craig's parents. Craig felt that they were controlling and he'd only get peace if they were gone. In the trial, Steve testified that he thought it was not serious, although if that was the case, why did you fucking do it. On the night he sent the last message to me, he had been at Craig's house, made a show of saying goodbye to him and his parents, then waited in a nearby park. He played a game on his PSP to pass the time.

Later in the evening, once his parents had gone to bed, Craig texted Steve to invite him back in. Once he'd arrived, he was handed a knife and told to go upstairs and stab them which for some fucking reason he agreed to. Now Craig's dad was thankfully on the ball and wasn't quite asleep, and he fought off Steve and wrestled the knife from him, before restraining him and calling the police. Initially, Craig was thought to be an innocent bystander, but he was soon arrested too. Steve was charged with attempted murder and conspiracy to murder, Craig with conspiracy, and in court, both were convicted of conspiracy to murder (but cleared of the attempted murder charge).

If you think it doesn't get more fucked-up than that, boy, do I have a surprise for you. Imagine someone's asked you to commit murder - you'd want something in return, right? And indeed, Craig did offer Steve something. What, you ask? Money? A means of escape? Nope! For successfully killing Craig's parents, Steve would have the opportunity to bite off Craig's dick. I am not joking. If he stabbed some middle-aged people, he would get a fucking sausage sandwich.

So yeah... that's what happened. My life has been an absolute soap opera (although honestly, this seems a bit far-fetched even for that - but I swear to you, every word of it is true).

[phoenixastramurdercore]

(Personal Stuff) Survived Yet again! Had a Mini Stroke, Worried bc Stroke Survivor!

Hey, I wanted to get back into art so bad I might need to go a bit slow. I had a major stroke 7 years ago and recovered pretty well over the years despite having multiple physical disabilities, lots of my memories recovered, my mobility recovered(besides pain issues and some other disabilities that spike if I move around TOO much)

And chronic fatigue isn't as bad/fluctuates. But I have to get more excercise even if it hurts me so that also leaves less time to draw and I have to take it easy/not think too hard about anything right now. I was really excited to get back into art and like do a whole bunch of stuff! But for some reason my overexcitement to do all the things game me a ton of symptoms over the past week of when I had a stroke like right before I had one, besides the face droop mostly I had a mini stroke yesterday and It was fairly short. I feel better today, I'm okay, But I wanted to let you guys know I've been gone for a while because my healths been really, really bad hahaha. I keep trying to improve it and do what I can, my physical body is so so sensitive to just mental overthinking and silly stuff to the point where I was overexerting my...brain? it's really hard to explain. Anyways! I'm fine, I'm okay, but I gotta go real slow at everything rn because that leaves me very prone to having an actual stroke again, and I don't want to know what another one would do if I survived it. Just MAN ya'll this just a note like take care of yourself, not trying to make anyone *panic* but stress is so so real and is so dangerous, legitimately. A lot of drs neglected my severe anxiety/panic attacks for yeaaaaarss like I was having panic attacks so often they eventually became seizures, and then I got more and mor health issues wrong with me. Stress can destroy you from the inside out. My dad also thinks I had a stroke or something like a stroke when I was 19/20 or something like that and he didn't know it was one at the time! and I didn't even know it happened. So if you aren't aware please know what the signs are. I had eye twitching and bad dizziness/vertigo for days and I could barely comprehend/what was being said to me, kept misunderstanding stuff and was reading/hearing things wrong and could not process stuff correctly. i kept forgetting what I was doing, or where I was or if some stuff existed. Now it's hard because some of my anxiety stuff can do things like that too. But the migraines and headaches I've been getting have been so bad, but then the numbness on one side came, and it was worse on the left side of my face(which is where I got face droop years ago) and my words werent totally slurred but weren't coming out right. WHEW. Following up with my dr soon and specialists..but they are booked far out so I hope she can see me sooner. But seriously guys take care of your mental health. You NEVER know what will happen fr. Life is so unpredictable! Stay strong <3 And prioritize your health no matter what happens.

[meg96]

I can see in the mirror that I'm losing weight which is exactly what I wanted since olanzapine made me gain 50lbs. But I'm not starving myself but I'm also not being like one of those annoying health nuts who are like YOU NEED TO EAT 1500 CALORIES OR YOUR ORGANS WILL FAIL. Like no lol. I'm doing what works for me and will give me results at a timely pace without me having to "build muscle" bc I don't care nor do I have time for that. It's actually just as toxic sometimes I think to be super super anal about eating enough, not limiting yourself, etc etc as it is to be obsessed with dieting. Like I can honestly say the whole "eat what you want!" fucked me up a lot more than anorexia ever did and eventually led to bulimia.

My best friend had severe anorexia and my life revolved around making sure she was ok, that she was never triggered, that I always ate in a way that made her comfortable but it often made me not because I also struggled with food. When my ED eventually got worse she accused me of being toxic when she had been doing the same types of things, telling me about the same types of behaviours, even telling me about lolcows and shit which made me super insecure bc how could I trust her then to not think my ED was fake and stupid? And the validity of my ED was something I really struggled with too.

When I'd open up to her about it she'd be like "omg this is all my fault" and I have empathy for her for that but also no like. I get she was trying to express remorse for triggering me but at the same time I struggled with an ED for years and it seemed so self centered to me for her to say that and it felt like she was spitting in my face.

Anyway after everything I tried to do for her, all the late nights and work days I spent consoling her, all she says to me anymore is "I hope you get the help you need". I was there for you at your absolute lowest. I get that I went insane. I was shoplifting, I was BPing like multiple times a day, I was binge drinking to the point where I couldn't hold down a job I would drink before work. But the people I supported just never showed up for me, they said I was toxic and like I do take accountability but I've apologized and it's been years. I don't think it's fair to pin all this blame on me when I was having a really really hard time too.

[thegeminisage]

sigh ok star trek update time. wednesday we watched tng's "force of nature" and last night we watched ds9's "second sight" and tng's "inheritance."

force of nature (tng):

this one is so infamous i knew about it way before we watched it...as predicted, it made me mad

i've heard something about a lower decks episode retconning this? which just goes to show how little human beings want to like. work on a problem

like, the episode is about fossil fuels and climate change. we rely on fossil fuels but theyre damaging our environment to the point these people are willing to completely isolate themselves in space bc they have no other choice

and like, the point of the episode is that this lady has to essentially self-immolate to get any attention and everyone gets the runaround from the people in charge because no one wants to believe it will get that bad and no one wants to change...

...and then they just. didn't change. like nobody stopped using warp. nobody brought this up ever again. in fact, it got RETCONNED? so why write it at all in a series where you KNOW everything has to go back to the status quo...tng is even worse than merlin in this regard, why would they do this!!!

aside from that, i feel like they gave us a b plot or multiple b plots in the first half of the ep (training data's cat, geordi's rivalry with that other engineer) and then completely dropped and forgot about them?? the whole ting feels just so poorly thought out...

second sight (ds9):

MIXED FEELINGS. under one hand i've been absolutely DYING for more sisko content under the other girl what the fucj was that

the lady was sooo mysterious i was CERTAIN she was either evil or a ghost...what she actually was turned out to be closer to ghost ig but it was so out of the left field the ending didn't leave me feeling very satisfied. also, what a shit deal for fenna to be dying either way when all she wants to do is hang out and make out with sisko

sisko and jake scenes <3

i did like the bits with dax being like oh i get it you cant tell me about girls anymore because i AM one. does the time we fucked twins together mean nothing to you

the ending was really good also. i mean, i think the plot of this episode was kind of ???, but the guy playing sisko is a GREAT actor and his struggle over this ridiculous situation was so palpable you felt for him in spite of it.

the guy she was actually married to was SO ANNOYING but i thought him killing himself was stupid and i was also a little more annoyed everyone seemed so chill about letting him do it - like, there was quite literally no way they could have stopped him, but sisko seeing him off with a sad smile instead of getting angry wasn't really what i expected

THAT SAID, reigniting a star and going out with the words "let there be light!" is pretty fucking metal. like i don't even like him, but you HAVE to hand it to him. that was really REALLY good, especially considering it came from a character i would have happily murdered myself right up until the instant he said it

inheritance (tng):

mixed feelings...2!

first off, i can't help but feel mister terraformer who reignites stars from that ds9 ep would have been able to help here. he killed himself out of fucking vanity and now he's totally useless to people who need him. jesus.

secondly, what the FUCK

i love data episodes, but the last few data episodes have been rough ones. i like him being skeptical of his "mom" and them eventually getting to know one another better, and i DEFINITELY like the subplot of her secretly being a little racist towards androids

like, there's so much complexity in that. what if you were data and you were alone in the universe but you found out you had a mom but she fucking sucked? like, lore traumatized her so bad she wanted a metaphorical abortion and when her husband refused she wanted to leave that baby outside the fire station, if the fire station had a big crystalline entity trying to eat all the firefighters.

i think that would have been a FINE episode on its own. like, her learning about data's loneliness, his failed attempt at having children, his success as not only a starfleet officer but a person, in SPITE of her fears and his rough beginning, his difficulties in not knowing who he was and his accidental reactivation of lore born from that loneliness and separation from his parents which is HER FAULT...all of this is fine drama

why did they have to make her also secretly an android, is my problem. it's a STUPID plot twist, and one tos did to MUCH better effect. like, is that android chapel's long-dead fiance just because he thinks he is? does having a person's memories and personality make you them, or is the copy always going to be different no matter what? tos seemed to decide the answer was that you can't implant a human consciousness into an android and be left with no changes whatsoever. you can't ever truly cheat death - even spock didn't get out of it entirely.

and what REALLY grinds my gears is that now they know this woman is an android WITH A KILL TIMER SET IN HER BRAIN so she can "die of old age" instead of like, working on changing the timer and letting her be friends with data or even telling her and asking HER if she wants the knowledge of what she is wiped from her brain, they're like, well she would be happier being human! WHICH IS STILL RACIST AGAINST ANDROIDS. and data's like yeah damn i guess she would be it would be selfish of me not to let her keep believing she is one. guess we'll lie then. it's not like there's any danger of her finding out from a stranger someday or anything

absolutely nuts by the way that deanna voted lie and picard voted truth. normally picard is the one with the rancid takes but this time it really was deanna :/

there's also logistic concerns. why doesn't she glow like data in geordi's visor? how does she digest food? if she was that advanced why did dr soong not make more androids or at least go retrieve data? why did he let her divorce him without telling her what she really was? like, let's make an android but a WOMAN, which means she gets no agency whatsoever. nevermind her HUSBAND - like, if they fuck, i do feel like he has the right to know he's fucking an android? it sounds bad when i say it like that bc if she wanted to keep it a secret then its none of his business but it just feels so weird that he's married to a copy of a person and neither of them know it and he's only gonna find out after she dies and someone tries to do an autopsy on hr. like what the HELL

also lmao the aside about data aging. threw that in there just for fun did we

anyway, that was an episode with huge potential that missed the mark so fucking completely because they prioritized a dumb shitty plot twist over actual interpersonal shit and character development. SIGH.

TONIGHT: ds9's "sanctuary" and tng's "parallels."

[gachagon]

Hey I finished Babel by RF Kuang and I wanna talk about it so don't click if you haven't read the book at all

anyways, well that was a wild ride. I'm emotionally drained. I feel a different level of hopelessness and depression than I have felt ever before after reading a sad book. Yeah the books sad as shit, but like it's a different, deeper kind of sad because I, the reader, knows that nothing will get better for anyone in that book at all.

Like they'll just continue to suffer for years and years until eventually things get somewhat tolerable. I'm glad Victoire didn't die in the end, but knowing how american slavery is abominable and how just looking black was grounds enough to being owned and treated worse than dogs, I don't feel hopeful as she's on a ship headed to a place arguably worse than where she's leaving.

I'm not gonna be one of those annoying ppl and complain about tropes or whatever, I think it was sad Ramy and Robin both died as well, and tbh idc if it really falls under that "bury your gays" trope I really don't think that mattered in the end because that's just how hopeless everything is.

You know, after I finished the book I tried asking myself "What if THIS character made it to the end? What if they had some help from THIS character?" and no matter how many strange and silly solutions I came up with, I still couldn't figure out a way the ending couldn't have been avoided.

I knew SOMEONE had to die, and I knew it'd probably be either Ramy or Robin, but even though everything was predictable it still hurt to read (in a good way). I don't hate sad books I know this seems pretty negative but trust, it was a good book and I enjoyed it from beginning to end.

My only real criticisms of the book is just that I personally don't think it said anything too revolutionary in terms of race. Robin and Co are figuring things out about white people and society that I had to learn by the age of 12, so every time they make some grand revelation I'm just like "yeah...glad you're getting up to speed now."

And while this might be shocking I think letty is the best character in the book (not that she is a good person or that I like her I actually hate her guts and I would not want to even be in a room with her, I sometimes paused my reading every time she spoke and wondered how tf Victoire managed being beside her) But she's like the Ultimate White Woman, you know? The author somehow managed to meld every annoying racist white woman any POC has had the misfortune of talking to, and melded her into Letty. And I think that's pretty impressive considering white people manage to be annoying in multiple ways and not just one.

Now every time I see something racist on the internet I think to myself "Would Letty type this?" and most of the time I am correct she would

I also wish we had more time to flesh out Ramy and Victoire and the others (Idc about Letty's sad "boohoo my brother died" story tbh) I feel like Ramy especially was just kind of there as a prop for Robin to gaze at longingly and for him to get into stupid, petty arguments with Letty. The author definitely should've given us more than that little interlude before he kicked the bucket. And I think I'd have liked the book more if it weren't always centered on Robin's pov. Like if we got a few chapters dedicated to anyone else's POV besides those short interludes, that'd have probably fixed the issue a bit.

All in all, the book was great. It was amazing, and I really feel like I need to get myself a physical copy now and not just an ebook.

I also now have the strange urge to go back and fish up my old duolingo log in. I've missed some streaks since highschool.

[alizardbro]

I trust medical science, I believe in treating disease and that vaccines work, but I do not trust doctors. When I was 15 I started experiencing chronic pain in my left foot, shortly after I had a plantar wart removed from that foot. I went to my pediatrician and he said that it was normal to have a little pain after surgery, and he dismissed me when I told him it was more than "a little pain".

Months went by and the pain only kept getting worse, and now it had spread to my right foot. I went back to my pediatrician and told him that it felt like my feet were on fire and that I was having pins and needles almost all the time. He told me that it was plantar fasciitis, and that if I do some stretching it will get better.

More months went by and now I was 16, the pain had spread up both my legs and was only getting worse. Again I went to my pediatrician and begged him to help me, but he told me that I was just overweight, and that if I lost 20 lbs I'd feel a lot better.

Another 6 months went by, the pain had spread to my hips and lower back. It was a burning agonizing pain that was constant, I could barely walk most days and never without a cane. I asked my parents to go to the doctor again, but they pointed out that the doctor said that I just needed to lose weight. I told them that the pain was unbearable, that I needed more than weight loss, but they said that I had a tendency to be over dramatic about illness.

More time passed and now I was 17. The pain was so bad that I couldn't sleep through the night anymore, even with my psych meds I was on to help me sleep. I as passing out and throwing up from the pain now, and it had spread to just below my chest. It was horrifying to feel the pain slowly crawl up my body. I finally convinced my parents to take me to the doctor again, and the doctor told me that he would have me tested for a few autoimmune disorders. I went in for bloodwork, and a week later it all came back normal. My parents and pediatrician were very confused when I got upset at this news, because this meant that I was healthy and that their suspicions of me being dramatic were confirmed.

3 months went by before I told my parents that I couldn't take it anymore, and demanded to see my doctor again. My pediatrician was about to write me off again as just fat, but I told him that I needed a referral or else I would take action. Magically I had a referral to a rheumatologist.

I went and saw the pediatric rheumatologist a few weeks later. He looked me over and did some mobility tests, and diagnosed me with AMPS or Amplified Musculoskeletal Pain Syndrome. I was told to do physical therapy and that if I stick to a routine of physical therapy and desensitization therapy, I should recover completely or almost completely. My dad was very pleased to hear this, a cure for my condition was all my parents wanted, my pain had been inconveniencing and embarrassing them for long enough. 

I went to physical therapy multiple times a week, I did the desensitization therapy multiple times daily, no matter how agonizing it was. Eventually I was "done" with physical therapy, my balance had improved a lot, but my pain hadn't. My pain had only continued to get worse. I told my parents this, but it was clearly only because I wasn't working hard enough. "Are you doing your home physical therapy?" "Are you doing your stretching in the morning?" "You just need to push through it" 

After I turned 18 I started doing research on my condition, and apart from the pain, none of my symptoms matched AMPS. I told my parents this and pediatrician this, ut again they were very dismissive. After doing a lot of research I've come to the conclusion that I have CRPS or Complex Regional Pain Syndrome. I will never get better, I will never not be in pain, and I knew that, I always knew that.

A lot of pediatric doctors put their head in the sand when I young person (especially a female presenting young person) tells them they're in pain. They tell the parents what they want to hear and don't actually try to help you. As soon as I'm able to, I'm going to find someone who will help me. Hopefully once I get an official diagnosis things will finally get better.

[running-in-the-dark]

I've got an appointment with my psychiatrist/neurologist tomorrow and I think I'm going to mention all my weird sleep issues. I've had multiple people tell me it kind of sounds like narcolepsy, and then a few days ago I listened to a podcast episode where someone talked about their sleep issues - they sounded exactly like mine, and the story ended with them being diagnosed with narcolepsy 😬😬

I'm really nervous about bringing it up (because how could I have something relatively rare, I just can't sleep, that's perfectly normal right 😬😬) but I'll try (I won't say 'hi I think I have narcolepsy', I'll just explain the symptoms I have).

Just to sum it up for myself, here's a list of my sleep issues:

without the antidepressant I'm currently on that makes me sleepy, I wasn't able to fall asleep. it's always been hard but for about 6 months before the meds, it took me 1-4 hours to fall asleep every night (sometimes I just couldn't fall asleep at night at all)

... and I'd also wake up at least three times a night

I'm always tired/exhausted - I need at least 9-10 hours of sleep to feel slightly rested, but I could basically sleep all day and still feel tired (I do regularly sleep 12-14 hours, and usually sleep through any alarms I set too)

I have very vivid/real-feeling nightmares that often wake me up (that's much worse now with my meds)

I get sleep paralysis somewhat regularly (also worse with the meds), and now usually feel like my whole body is shaking when it happens too.

when I'm half asleep I often can't tell if something really happened or if it was a dream. I wouldn't call it a hallucination, I think? though sometimes when I fully wake up later I'll ask my husband if he came into the room and said a specific thing earlier and he usually says no, but I know I was awake when that 'happened', so. who knows.

if I'm sitting down and not actively doing something, it's pretty likely I'll fall asleep (like when I'm watching TV, reading, listening to an audiobook, in the car as a passenger etc.) - but it doesn't happen if I'm the one driving or anything that means I'm really alert/tense/active like that

I've fallen asleep in class/similar situations many times, but I think that's normal? like, that feeling of trying really hard to stay awake and focus because you can tell you're getting very very sleepy and it takes like a few minutes but eventually I just doze off (for a few seconds I think? obviously I can't tell because I'm not awake...)

that happened very frequently when I did my apprenticeship (it was awful - I'd be entering client's receipts and fall asleep over and over again while doing it. it was a problem because obviously I made some pretty big mistakes and people weren't happy...) - that was when I slept about 12 hours a night because I was too tired to stay awake once I came home from work.

I've fallen asleep in the cinema several times too (usually during movies I was really excited to see)

I dream even when I only sleep a few minutes. like if I fall asleep on the couch for five minutes I'll still dream. apparently that's not normal?

also if I'm watching something, for example, I'll fall asleep over and over and over again, each time for a few minutes. then I wake up, rewind what I was watching, and immediately fall asleep again. that goes on for hours sometimes and it's very frustrating because I try so hard to stay awake.

I don't know what this is exactly, but it sounds a little bit like very mild cataplexy... I think? sometimes I'll just suddenly be really really weak like my muscles aren't working. I can't grip/hold anything, can't lift my arms or legs, can't move/hold up my head (it feels too heavy), can barely speak, and just have to stay sitting/lying down like that until it passes. but I can't remember if that was because of intense emotions or anything like that because I had no idea that could be related. I think it does often happen when I'm really scared/anxious but I think that's just because that's exhausting?

my hands especially do often stop working right when I'm really stressed/overwhelmed. like I can't grip anything/use them properly. it's especially bad when someone is watching me write/do anything else with my hands - I get so anxious that my hands don't work right. and my knees/legs go really weak when I'm standing and I get very anxious (like during a presentation). but that's just anxiety I think?

I did fall to the floor when someone scared me once because my legs gave in, but that was like 20 years ago so it probably doesn't count (and isn't that normal anyway?). though, now that I'm thinking about it... that has actually happened at least twice after that 🤔 (my nephew scared me once, my legs gave in so I fell down, and he did it again another time because he thought it was funny)

oh yeah and I was so scared during my driving test that my legs stopped working and starting shaking uncontrollably while I was trying to park, so I had to wait a minute or more until it passed

okay I just googled what cataplexy really feels like because I just don't understand it at all, and apparently going super weak from laughing really hard isn't normal?! that can't be right. that happens to everyone, doesn't it? like when you laugh really really hard and your arms are like giant useless noodles? (that actually sums up that muscle weakness that I get pretty well: my limbs are like floppy noodles that I can only sort of control)

(I've seen several people give tickling as an example now.. but everyone goes completely limp when they're being tickled right?? like no one can move in that situation right?? lol this list is so stupidly long now that no one will get to this point but if you do, please tell me if that's normal or not.)

I don't know. It's probably nothing. Or maybe it's something else, like sleep apnea? Or I'm just overly sensitive or whatever.

I usually just put all of this weirdness down to 'oh my brain is just being weird again'. But I guess it can't hurt to at least mention it? 😬 It seems like a long list when I actually write it down but I tend to exaggerate things, probably? I guess most of this is normal anyway, so I'm sure it's nothing. But it is very annoying either way so I will at least mention it once.

[mdhwrites]

Love your wenclair fic! Your meta about Enid's character arc is also really good. It was great reading your thoughts, but I wish you'd go into more detail on the failed allegory of it all.

I just absolutely can not get over the sheer ridiculous failure of an idea that was "lycanthropy conversion camp". What were they thinking????? It doesn't work on any level at all. Apparently being a "late bloomer" is a common enough issue they run multiple camps for it? But if it's that common why is it so stigmatized??? The show never seems to come right out and say there are wolves who never fully shift, and Enid's claws point to her shifting eventually, so it becomes merely a matter of timing before the person "converts". That's a disgusting thing to have associated with the fucking torture of queer youth to force them to conform. And the attempt to cash in on lgbtq+ sympathy through this is just gross.

Ughhhh. I really loved Enid and Wednesday's characterization, some of the dialogue was spot on, but it really felt like whoever wrote the overarching plot had no idea what they were doing.

Thank you! I'm really happy with everything I've been doing in Risk Life, even though I still wish I was getting more done. DAMN YOU MENTAL HEALTH! *sigh* I am curious how much having three different directors for the show caused some of the issues with the arcs honestly. Tim Burton seems to push more for the idea of puberty early on, thus the term late bloomer at all and the idea of never finding a mate. A werewolf that never 'grows up' can never be a part of their society is what it feels like effectively. It also makes the claws kind of make sense because it's such a minor and small thing that it makes Enid feel like she's almost playing at being a big bad wolf when she's got her claws out. Then, when it changes directors on episode 5, that's when we start seeing more of the LGBTQ+ allegory. Unfortunately, the two just... don't mix. As much as I would love the reality to be different, this is the only story I've ever seen where coming out as gay or the like is how you are MORE accepted by your society which feels disingenuous to the experiences I mostly see from LGBTQ+ youth. A lot of people do find comfort in Enid's plotline though so if they do, I say more power to them. Also, the directors theory doesn't really explain everything since I think the writers don't change between episodes? I'm not as certain about that. Oh, and for anyone who doesn't know: Tim Burton directed the first four episodes, then the last four were split between two other directors who did two episodes each. As for the camp stuff, I'm still on the side of it just being... dumb. Especially since yeah, you're right, there's MULTIPLE camps for this? How large is the werewolf population then that you can run multiple of these? That multiple of them are possibly profitable? These are outcasts and rare divergences from 'normies', right? And yeah, as you said, it'd s SUBSET of that race that then needs to go to these camps. It's just... It's impressive how many levels of failure this is, not just on an allegorical level but a world building level. The one saving grace I'll give it is that the show doesn't take its fantasy elements seriously, for better and for worse. It's very much so there more for flavor than substance so it makes a general audience less likely to care about the actual world building. And for some stuff that's fine. For something directly correlating to real life atrocities done to the LGBTQ+... Less okay. That's why from a general writing standpoint I'll give it a sigh and a roll of my eyes but as allegory, I still growl and hiss. I also want to shout out though one theory a friend of mine had for the camps. It's that you get thrown into the wilderness with nothing to survive with so it's wolf out or die. Not literally, as the people running the camp will save you but you're meant to be put in such a do or die situation that you do transform. How does that fit into anything allegorically? It... doesn't so it still doesn't work but at least from a fantasy perspective it explains what they are. It's more of an answer than we'll likely ever get from the show at this point.

And my final note for 'they didn't seem to know their overarching plot' is going to be to Crackstone. Not even how he's a hypocrite who only has power because of his staff. No, it's how we go from a show that has fairly light fantasy elements to "SHE PUT A BLOOD CURSE ON HIM, DOOMING HIS SOUL!" Lady, I think we have skipped about at least a whole season's worth of build up to this level of fantasy, thank you very much! When the fuck was this shit on the table!? But yeah, I could rant more but this is long enough as is and getting off topic. ^^; I'm happy you're enjoying Risk Life, Not Love so much and uh, I might have some original sapphics of mine being free in a few days so keep an eye out for that!

[ugh154628]

Part 3 of my posted response to "Cece's" first status about me:

See part 1-2 here:

Context:

Intro: When I said "I've read her blogs", that happened because "Ricky" blatantly showed me them and her nasty posts she was making after she made her first Facebook post about me, one of which included screenshots of our messages the day she started bullying my friend and I was mentally breaking down, basically using my past against me for whatever fucking reason. I repeat though, "Ricky" showed me her blogs and posts on them, to stir the pot between us. I didn't just "randomly" find them, obviously.

#1: I'm not going to delve too much into what I blurred out because I have put my tension with that person whom "Cece" slept with behind me and I don't want to repopen old wounds between that person and I. It took me years to find understanding in what happened and put it behind me, and I really don't want to revive my anger from that situation. In a nutshell, the person I was talking about enabling and influenced my family member's drug use when they were teenagers. In early 2018, there was an situation in which he went went too far in regard to that topic, this family member nearly overdosed, and I was the one who took care of them all night when it happened. It was terrifying for me and I was angry for awhile, being a direct witness to it and because I had begged this person multiple times before to stop giving my family member drugs, too. He knew this family member had a problem, and he disrespected his sobriety as well as disrespected the feelings of his family. There were a lot of people who were "friends" with this family member like a joke and finding entertainment in getting him fucked up, and I was sick of it. I just wanted his friends to be real friends to him and actually care about his sobriety, then when they totally disregarded all the times I talked to them about it and laughed at his drug use instead, it made me even more angry when this particular situation happened. Even worse, I had messaged him telling him to stay away from that family member and me (he knew where I worked), and he intentionally went into my job after that. I snapped shit on him immediately and kicked him out, which ultimately led to my second hospital admission. There was a lot of other things going on besides that situation, and that was the cherry in top that sent me over the edge. Thankfully my employer was understanding, took a two week leave for outpatient admission (since it was essentially like school, 8 hours of therapy Monday through friday and I couldn't work) and came back after that. I never got fired from there. I ultimately left for a higher paying job that gave me more ours 3 months later.

I'm still upset about what happened when I look back on it and I feel like he could have been a much better "friend" to my brother, but I understand that substance abuse can lead to a person making lot of mistakes they normally wouldn't with a sober mind. People with substance abuse issues aren't really themselves when they're on that lifestyle, but as long as the person sobers up, grows up in general, and does better in the future that (somewhat) gives me closure from a situation like that. From what I know, he is doing a lot better, more responsible, etc. and I can respect that.

The point is, if "Cece" and I were close she wouldn't have messed around with this person, and if I knew she was, I would have cut her off immediately back then. I didn't even find out until I started dating my ex "Ricky". He told me everything at that point (may 2019) and how he was one of the guys she was talking to when he was still sleeping in her bed himself and she was still leading him to believe they would eventually get back together supposedly. And apparently she really liked this guy on top of that and he was someone she was trying to date according to "Ricky". I don't think the dude knew about all of that either. It's like "Ricky" was essentially the male form of a mistress to her that last year they were still in contact. He told me she would brag about fucking him (and others) in the spot he slept in when he came over after, that she was obsessed with him and want to be serious with him, etc. But the main point of this is that if we were really close at that time, she wouldn't have went after that guy, and I wouldn't have stayed associating with her if I had found out they were messing around sooner.

#2: I broke up with my other ex boyfriend I started dating in April 2018 in February 2019. Throughout our relationship, I never "talked shit" about him to anyone and especially not "Cece". I never posted about him either. I don't air my relationship business out like that and I also don't like to talk negatively about my partner to anyone because I don't want to cause my friends to think poorly of them if we ultimately work things out. The perceptions the people around you have can greatly impact your relationship with a person, so I think it is better to keep your tension private until or unless you leave each other. And I've said it several times before and I'll say it again, I didn't talk to "Cece" about anything too personal to me following October 2017 when she bullied my friend. So even if I did say anything negative about him, she wouldn't have any way of knowing that in the first place, but that's the thing, I didn't talk to anyone about our business all together. I'm still on good terms with this ex, he's actually engaged to one of my closest girlfriends now, and I'm going to be in their wedding.

Shortly after I broke up with this boyfriend, I had a fling with someone, who is still a good friend of mine. "Cece" knew about it because this friend was a mutual friend of "Ricky" and told him, and then he told "Cece". Reminder, she stopped coming over around well over a year prior and she definitely wasn't there the few times we slept together. So why she thinks she has a place deciding the facts on when we did that is beyond me. She went on to exaggerate what really happened, even though she witnessed nothing and of course "Ricky"...."told her"...what happened. There's a pattern here if you haven't noticed. Just going along with everything this pathelogical liar "tells her" but never actually witnessing an ounce of any of the shit she speaks on. And even I'll admit I fell victim to that because there was a lot of stuff "Ricky" was "telling" me that heightened our tension between "Cece" and I, which was stupid. There's some things I can admit might not be true after learning how much this dude lies to both of us. Although there are some important things he "told" me that have actual proof of being true.

Anyways, she had stopped coming over to the house where that happened a long time ago and after she bullied my friend who was also friends with the person I slept with, so no she doesn't know a bit of how all of that actually went down. The point is that I didn't cheat on anyone like she claimed in the first post she made about me.

And also, it was real fucking rich of her to imply I sleep around too much when she treats sex like a trophy and has a two page front and back list of everyone she's banged. I'm not shaming anyone for having sex, but she's an absolute hypocrite for exaggerating my sex life with her "sleeping around" comment in her post prior to mine here. And everyone knows about that fucking list. Because she shows it to everyone she has sex with, right after she has sex with them, writes their name on it and rates them right in front of them, too. I've heard the exact same story from several people who slept with her and I'll bet probably 1 in 5 people in the town she's from know about the thing honestly. Like you bring up her name and one of the first things people usually say is "oh her? Do you know about the list?" It's the weirdest shit. The list isn't even the bad part. It's when, where, how and why she presents it that's fucked up. It's like she gets some weird kick out of tricking people into having sex then making people feel dirty, unimportant, and used right after she gets what she wants. Because she's a fucking sociopath.

#3: More context to her bullying that friend of mine in 2017. So what had happened was that this friend told me they were diagnosed with an STD, that they gained from an assault. My friend became suicidal and I didn't know how to support her. I was young (20 at the time) and had never handled a situation like that before. I told "Cece" about it since she was an older figure / might have good advice to give. Which she ultimately did give me good advice about it, told me to tell her about the statistics and that 1 I'm 3 people have it, it's not that uncommon, she isn't alone, and so forth. What I didn't realize is that "Cece" didn't like this friend because they had a crush on "Ricky" in the past. And mind you, this friend was 15 at the time and "Cece" was 24-25.

I asked "Cece" not to tell anyone about the situation, and she turned around and did the opposite. The first person she told was "Ricky" of fucking course, because she had a jealousy / insecurity issue and was essentially trying to use this as a defense mechanism to make "Ricky" steer clear of her. And she also told his friend who was I'm the car when she told "Ricky". She then proceeded to fear-monger and say they needed to tell the mom of the house we all hung out at to try to get the girl barred from hanging out there; saying she was a "health hazard" and shouldn't be allowed around any of us. Like yeah, let's try to cut a 15 year old off from her group of friends because she contracted an std from ASSAULT when she needs support now more than fucking ever. How low do you have to be to only think about yourself and your dumbass insecurities to scheme separating someone from their friends when they're going through something extremely traumatic. How EVIL do you have to be.

Meanwhile, I was going through my own stuff, like a lot of things at once and was in the midst of having a mental breakdown. One bad thing that happened was that I had lost my car and I was trying to ride my bike to work down a high way, which is a 1.5 hour dangerous ride, actually got stopped by a cop who told me I couldn't continue for my own safety, and then started panicking trying to figure out how to get to work. Right as all of this is happening I get a text from this friend extremely upset telling me that "Cece" was telling people about her issue and trying to get her barred from out friends house. I felt instant guilt and my breakdown intensified badly. I messaged "Cece" to talk to her about the situation and I wanted to confront her on it, but considering how easily she attacks others, I backed out of doing that and just started messaging her in a confused panic. I was splitting from being so overwhelmed and basically messaged her all the intrusive thoughts running through my head at the time. I ended up overdosing on my prescription (not lethally) on the side of the highway. Mind you, my mental state is no where near as terrible as it once was. This was 7 years ago and I want to make it clear that I have healed from my past issues with self harm. I mostly just deal with anxiety, I weirdly did a total 360 over the years, and I'm actually scared of death now.

Back on the main story, my friend messaged "Cece" angry at her for tellimg other people about her issue. "Cece" then responded by saying awful things to her and then, posting tons of passive aggressive shit about her across social media regarding the issue. My friend was still processing her diagnosis and obviously was not ready for the whole world to know yet, wanted to keep it private unless necessary (like telling a potential sexual partner for ex.), wanted to tell others in her own time, and "Cece" was essentially posting things to scare her into thinking she was going to expose her business to everyone. She already told 2 people and planned on telling more, and it scared my friend a lot. She wasn't ready to deal with that and all the bullying that could come from others knowing when it was all still so fresh. "Cece" was sharing articles about the STD publically on social media with snarky captions and other initimidating things. And then "coincidentally", my friend's nudes were leaked the same week.

While all of this was happening, the friend was at the house "Cece" had planned on trying to get her barred from. The mom of the house was witnessing all of this and told us that she did not agree with what "Cece" did and that she didn't want her over there anymore. And "Cece" stopped coming over.

However, her and "Ricky" randomly showed up late at night once unannounced and wasted a couple months later, gave this friend an almost empty bottle of vodka and a half gram of marijuana and said "this is our truce!" or something weird like that. Like yeah, give a 15 teenager drugs and then also, give them no actual apology for literally bullying/initimidating them with passive aggressive posts implying you're going to tell everyone about something they don't want the whole world across social media to make their life worse when they're already feeling low as fuck from the very fresh trauma they experienced. Go you, you're suuuch a good person. And, a good 5 or more people saw that go down, too. Friendly reminder.

It's also worth mentioning that for some reason, Cece and Ricky just get to decide what a truce means and expect people to go with it, and if they don't attack the fuck out of them. Like they did to me.

She deserved a lot more than your hand me down substances you know. You're fucking evil for what you did. And hey, is it just me or does this all sound familiar? The vague and passive aggressive posts, threatening to expose private information, mocking people for their shortcomings, bullying people on social media in such a way only the victim can usually see it. My friend may not have had to deal with it for over half a decade, but what you did to her mirrors what you did and still do to me. You literally have not changed and have only gotten ridiculously worse.

Sidenote: I already explained in part 1 or 2 when I saw "Cece" the last time following this situation with my friend. Don't really feel like explaining how cold and selfish she was about her actions toward my friend, excusing her behavior toward her, and how I didn't trust "Cece" anymore because of all this again. But you kind of get the gist in these screenshots.

#4: Not much I can say about the section in which I explain "Cece" projecting. I think I already broke that down well enough, and I think what I said in this 3 part series as well as the bit in the above screenshots speak for itself. And I concluded with how it was hypocritical of her to say that I have "zero problem solving skills" in her post when she clearly does not herself. She literally dumped my ex, started dating someone else, and then through a tantrum when he moved on as if she could just keep him on the side just as a crutch to fall back on while she was clearly looking for other people to settle down with. Like excuse the fuck me, know your place before you go off on people or something. That shit was weird and selfish as fuck and you know it.

#5: Yeah so, obviously I let him the fuck go. That whole section of me talking about him being so great and that I'm never going to leave him makes me cringe. It would have made me cringe whether they got back together or not because I learned in that time with him that he really wasn't a great partner let alone human being. But I am a kind person, I am (probably too) empathetic, I actually don't abuse my partners, and I am an extremely committed person that won't break up with anyone until they do quite a bit to hurt me, which is kind of the point I was trying to make. I think she saw us lasting a long time, and that she was pissed off at me for taking her side piece to fall back on away because she was overly dependent on him. As well as always having someone there so she in general, did not have to be alone with herself. My take is that she just wanted him out of convenience, and she got mad that I unintentionally made her co-depency issues less convenient for her to deal with by dating him.

Moreover regarding that section, "Cece" was going around telling people "Ricky" used her for sex when they weren't even having sex or dating for months before he actually cut her off. He just wanted to move on, and it was hard to do that always being around her, but go figure she can't comprehend let alone acknlowedge anyone else's feelings. Only her own.

And I already explained the weird shit with how she was dating one of HIS friends while all of this was happening. Not getting into it again, but wanted to point it out in these paragraphs again because it says a lot about her "she was my friend!!!" excuse for being unreasonably angry at us dating.

#5: "Cece" claimed in her first post about me that "Ricky" lost respect for me after sleeping with our mutual friend a few months prior. Obviously didn't lose enough respect for me if he dated me for 3.5 years after that, but whatever. I actually do think he probably said that too by the way, probably just because he was salty that I didn't go after him, had a thing with his friend instead, after I broke up with my ex earlier that year. He used to talk about how he was insecure because of his friends too, how girls "only wanted to date my friends", and that Cece specifically made those insecurities worse when she herself went after her friends when they were actually a thing.

#6: The entire time I knew "Cece" she was constantly posting statuses judging other people for not thinking exactly like her, arguing with people on their posts, biting heads off, bullying others, etc. Basically, a keyboard warrior, although that would be an understatement at this point. Also, regarding her talking badly about me behind my back when we were "friends", he told she used to diss on my clothes/makeup and brag about random dudes thinking she was the "prettier one" in the few selfies we took together. He told me he would defend me and say "isn't amber supposed to be your friend" and stuff like that, and that they supposedly got in a fight about it once. Which it's doubtful he actually argued with her about that tbh. I think he just told me that to seem like the knight in shining armor, exaggerate his feelings toward me when we first started dating, and to of course, stir the pot between us. But at the same time, I wonder if he did argue with her, say he liked my makeup or something, and if that's why she randomly begged me to do her makeup once before. Point is, I was told by my ex that she was talking badly about me behind my back before we were ever on bad terms and I do believe that considering her pretty clear and extreme jealousy toward me later. And real friends don't do that to their friends. Especially not "close" ones.

#7: Ah yes, my tangent about Narccistic Perspnality Disorder, which she now projects onto me and recently, in the EXACT WAY I predicted she would; me taking selfies. WHICH has nothing to do with NPD, by the way. I really was 10 steps ahead of her, probably more, and even predicted the topics of smear campaigns a whole 5.5 years ahead of time. That's hilarious.

#8: Me not looking at her blog would have worked if "Ricky" didn't keep showing me her fucking blog all the fucking time for a good two months after this. I have proof of him screenshotting her posts and sending them to me, but I will delve more into that on a different post.

#9: "Ricky" told me that "Cece" liked to get revenge on people by messing with their cars, such as throwing bologna on them, putting sugar in gas tanks, and she had also spray painted a different ex's girlfriend's car months prior to our tension. He told me he directly witnessed this, if not bragged to him about if. I wish I still had the messages of "Ricky" telling that person about it and confirming that it really did happen. I guess I could always shoot then a message myself and maybe get screenshots of their chat now though, but I won't for this stupid internet shit. I only will if I have to. Anyways, this becomes relevant when my car actually started getting vandalized after this and that year.

#10: In conclusion, "moving forward" didn't happen, because she decided to stalk the ever living fuck out of me, my ex kept stirring the fucking pot, and there is no "moving forward" when that happens and continues to happen.

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Welp, that's the end of my summary of the first post I ever made about "Cece". I won't lie, I got pretty snarky in certain parts and its bit cringe, but nothing I said was a lie either. And none of this was worth stalking and harassing someone in extremes for over five years.

At the end of the day, all I did was make a fucking status about you on Facebook that would have done been ignored by anyone who mattered to you and forgotten about by anyone who didn't. Not me dating my stupid ex and not even me speaking the truth. No one truly gave a fuck about your relationship with him and half the town we live in was already preaching you were a predator for literal years anyways. Stop acting like it wasn't already heavy gossip around here for a good while and like I was the first person to ever call you out for it. For you to get so pissed off about ME out of the dozens of others who were already saying that honestly says a lot about my position here, too. Like why are you so worried about what I say out of all the other people who have posted about you on social media, huh? Could it be that you think people actually DO listen to me? Hmm. Just an interesting thought.

In conclusion, if you can't take the heat, stay out of the kitchen I guess. Don't bite people if you can't handle being bit back. The fucking end.

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