#but I'm still figuring out how much I'll put there

[lesbxdyke]

I think one of the things that has brought me the most peace in my life was the decision to stop responding to anything not clearly stated to me.

Anxiety: Oh no your friend hates you!

Me: Well they didn't say that. So either they need to fortify and tell me themselves, or I will continue to be their friend exactly as I am.

Not just that though. When people hint drop that they want a thing from you, I act as if I have not noticed at all. Either you directly ask me for that thing, or you are not getting that thing from me.

I actually decided to start doing this because I got diagnosed as autistic and I realised how much stress and unhappiness I put on myself trying to figure out everyone's motives and wants and needs all the time. So I decided I'd just... Stop.

And I tell people that. I tell people "I don't notice or respond to hints or passive aggressive behaviour. Either you need to be straight with me or I will continue as I am." And you know the only person that has had a problem with it?

My former abuser (who I am vvvvv low contact with). Because they relied on me feeling obligated to respond to their unspoken moods and wants to keep me in line.

Everyone else has been immediately on board and my relationships have gotten SO much stronger. Because I am asked directly for things, and I will give a direct reason for my response, regardless of what that response is. (e.g. "Hey, can you call me, I want company on the drive home!" "No, sorry, I'm in the middle of [task], but I will be done in twenty minutes so if you still want my company then, I'll be happy to.")

So I put this out as a suggestion for all people, ND and NT.

Stop responding to hints, passive aggression and other 'unspoken' things. Use, model and encourage clear communication with everyone, you'd be surprised how much easier it makes EVERYTHING!

[cripplecharacters]

Hello!

I'll talk about her being quadriplegic and how it might affect her design but leave the actual hairstyle ideas to other mods since I'm not Black (we don't have any Black quad mods at the moment).

"Moderately quadriplegic" is probably too vague to help you figure out what your character could or could not do. I personally haven't seen any quads describe themselves like this, it's much more common to say what level the spinal cord injury is on and potentially whether it's complete or not. "Moderately" could mean either an incomplete injury on any level, or a complete low-level injury (here it'd probably be the former since she's able to walk from my understanding?), which just doesn't really cut it. To go with the main topic of the character's hairstyle, if she's an incomplete C1 then she probably won't be able to move her hair out of her face - and if she's a complete C7, she probably would be able to.

As a general rule of thumb, C5 (or higher) results in less/no bicep function and thus limited/no ability to raise the arms to the person's head (there are obviously exceptions, especially at the lower levels). If she can't reach her hair, it will limit (realistic) design choices. You wouldn't want a hairstyle that requires you to tuck it behind the ear every time you look down if you needed to ask another person to do it for you. As for doing her hair by herself, unless her hands are really mildly impaired it's probably out of the question. You can look up tenodesis, it's the type of movement that quads will do in order to grab things. I never heard of someone braiding their hair like this (not saying it's impossible, I just haven't seen it).

Her level of injury could also affect her design in different ways; e.g. a present trach tube would indicate that she's a C4 (or higher) and complete and a tracheostomy scar would imply that she's probably complete on whatever level, while neither would signal that she's probably lower level and incomplete. It would be a cool detail if you're going for realism.

Since it's a children's book, talking about these specifics is probably too much (unless you're looking to specifically educate about quadriplegia/spinal cord injuries), but it's still something that will be helpful for you going forward. When doing research, a lot of the information that would answer your questions will probably be blocked behind the SCI levels and completeness, so it's good to have it figured out to be consistent.

As I mentioned earlier, "moderate quad" isn't really a description that's used much in my experience. If you want something that's more accurate but not too medicalized, you can try low level/high level quadriplegic and explain the difference. E.g., "[Name A] is a low level quadriplegic, so she can write and draw during art class with a special brace that helps her hold a pencil, just like her friend does. [Name B]'s older sister is a high level quadriplegic, and she needs her dad's help to eat breakfast before school. She uses a different type of wheelchair than [Name A] since she can't use her hands".

To actually go back to the hairstyles, you need to consider what kind of wheelchair she uses. If she has a headrest, she won't be able to have a ponytail in the back since it would be uncomfortable. Same for no hard materials like beads at the height of her wheelchair since a pressure sore on the back would be a nightmare.

I hope this helps,

mod Sasza

Just adding a little bit extra about hairstyles,

(and editing slightly to add: i’m mixed and i don’t speak for all or even a lot of the black experience just a small part of it but definitely not the non-mixed experience)

Like Sasza said, it depends on what kind of wheelchair she uses and her needs in general.

Like mentioned above, beaded hairstyles are common for Black little girls to wear, but if she has a headrest she probably wouldn't have beads or clips at a length where they would put pressure on her head or back with a headrest or backrest because it would cause pressure sores, which you definitely do not want, ans especially not on your head. This could include something like bantu knots; she could have them wherever it doesn't touch her headrest, but again, not in the back of her head.

It also depends on how much she can use her hands and arms. For example, I've had long knotless braids (like waist length), and I have full use of my hands. I've had to tie them back in a ponytail or half ponytail a lot, because they can get in my face often. If she doesn't have the ability to move her hair out of her face when braids obscure her vision, this could get really annoying very very fast! Her braids would probably not be that long, because she is a child and you usually don't put in braiding hair on kids and mostly use their natural hair, but I wanted to put that example just for the practical part of having very movable braided hair it can get in your face way more than unbraided hair. It's heavier and thicker than just a standard hair strand.

Also, most 5 and 6 year olds, abled or disabled, don't do their own hair past a ponytail. It's totally okay for her parents to do her hair, and it makes sense. It also opens up the avenue of maybe she can have cornrows, twists, or braids. If she has a headrest, maybe her hairstyle has the bulkiest part to the sides or top, like afro puffs or side ponytails or space buns or bubble braids (which are very very cute in my opinion), or hairstyles with something like zig-zag parts. I am not a parent (or a child!), but I do see a lot of braided hairstyles and little puffs among the little kids I work with. She could also just have her hair natural and loose, and put something in like headbands or large clips that wouldn't interfere with her mobility or with backrests/headrests if she needed one.

Hope this helps,

mod sparrow

Hi!

I have a couple of Black friends who use power chairs, though they are not quadriplegic. They have to be mindful of hairstyles that would be uncomfortable with headrests (as Sasza mentioned). One of them wears braids, an afro puff, or straightens her hair and wears it down. She gets help styling her hair. The other keeps their hair very short and natural because that's easiest for them to maintain.

Mod Rock

Hi! Your blog is really really cool and an awesome source of information with so much context and detail! I really love your approach of like "don't not do it; research, learn, and do it well"!

So Idk if this is a reasonable question or not but I thought it would be better to ask than not to: So I'm endeavoring to write a kids picture book and in it there's a little girl who's Black with a physical disability, probably moderately quadriplegic, and I was wondering about what kind of hairstyles might be realistic for her to potentially have?

Like I know she could technically have anything that a real person could have, but like I don't want to just pick something out for the character just based on how *I* think somethings looks without having a context I don't have yet if that makes sense?

She's about 5 or 6 and she's able to use her hands but she'll have spasticity in them and be using adaptive equipment, and she can move but she'll be in a wheelchair most of the time, so Idk how that might factor into how she/her parents might kind of style her hair?

(it won't really come up in the story since it's about her first day of school, but like more from a design standpoint)

Also idk if this matters to add but I wouldn't be personally doing the art, I'd probably try and connect with someone to illustrate, but I would like to try and have some pretty concrete descriptions for them to work with when the time comes.

Thanks so much, you're so awesome!!!!

That's a good way to summarize my mentality, and I appreciate you catching that! I do get frustrated when people approach writing people different than them as "well is it yes or no" when that's not what it is. It's "put effort into it or leave it alone". Because many things can be done! We can be in any story! It just has to be done with...wait for it... INTENT!

As for your question, she's an industrious child because I was not doing my own hair at 5 and 6 lol. That's a young age for hair. Maybe a ponytail or afro puff at best. I think it would be okay if you allowed her parents to do her hair, which does lead back to her being able to have any style that she might like. Maybe something with less barrettes and such, since they might fall out and she may struggle to put them back in.

So my suggestion would be to look up hairstyles little Black girls, and go through your options and pick one!

[discodummy]

I'm gonna rant about my body image issues and dysmorphia for a second so watch out. I'll put it under a read more if i can figure out how

slay i think i did it. anyway, going to the gym as much as i have and getting into shape and stuff has been lovely, dont get me wrong, but it also makes some things very strange for me. Like, I was raised by a an who had a manual job and was a bodybuilder in his 20's. My perspective of what a "dad bod" was was SO skewed by my dad that i though it meant a buff guy who puffs his chest out when he stands stil to look bigger. My older brother (by three years) was chubby in middle school and then did swimming and lacrosse and had an insane dorito shaped body by 17 and still has it now. I was 6'3 when i started high school and i looked like a lollipop: just a big head on a tiny body. And i stayed that way all through high school. I assumed that getting beefy and filling out like my dad and brother did just want going to happen for me. I spent all of my early and mid 20's weighing like 145 (150 on a good day) and having to buy 28x34's for pants and medium shirts. The pandemic happened and i started working from home and after a few years i was about 210 or so. I stayed around that weight for bit and assumed it was my adult weight and what my body liked and spent over a year coming to terms with it. wel NOW after going to the gym and eating better for the last 10 months, im down to a toned 180 and im all sorts of jumbled up. I hit my shoulders on doorframes bc even though i measured and know my shoulders got at least 4 inches broader, i still dont believe it or feel it. My mediums got too tight, and my XL's from being 210 fit my shoulders and chest but hang off of me. Like im surrounded by evidence of the shape my body is in now, and i can see in the mirror how i look, i just dont think its clicking for me. I'm right about 6'4 and until the last year or so i wouold just say i was "medium tall" bc i didnt think i was TALL tall, just tallER. Like thats how deep this weird disconnect from the objective truths of my body goes. And now im at the point where people compliment my arms or chest or butt or something and i cant shake the nagging feeling that its just flattery and they dont mean it and isnt true. Someone said my arms were big and i was like "i mean theyre long, but i wouldnt say big" and it took me seeing several people with smaller arms over the course of a while for me to be like "oh yeah i guess so". Like, i always felt like the most average and unremarkable of my family and thats SUPER bleeding into things now. Maybe i dont think i can be extraordinary or above average or something?? All i know is im CLEARLY not seeing what everyone else is, and poeple are getting frustrated with me about it and taking it as me being fake-humble or just plain oblivious. And i feel insane talking about it bc one of my friends says it makes him feel awful to see someone who "looks like me" doubt myself so much, because that means that HE must be so much worse then. I also know that a 6'4 in shape white guy having body image issues isnt exactly the easiest thing to sympathize or empathize with, but it sucks that I feel like i cant really talk about it with anyone bc it just gets too personally hard for anyone to go in depth about. Its like my issues are too triggering for others and i just need to get a grip or something. IDK, i just needed to vent about this bc i dont know what else to do. if you read all of this, let me know what you think or something lol

[ethicaltreatmentofcowplants]

Hi everyone, I'd just like to apologise for how long this round has been taking me to put together. I've been having problems with many of the planned lots being unavailable for travel once I do the 'ask on date' interaction, even though I've playtested them before and they have all the required items to complete the venue type. It's been frustrating and honestly discouraging to play through.

Figuring out how to score everyone this round is also giving me a headache. This is because with friendship and romance levels maxing out so much faster than I had anticipated, the top of the table has plateaued so going by that alone, several contestants are positioned where they really shouldn't be. So I'm trying to take that into account and more fairly rank everyone.

For the fourth round, I'll therefore reduce everyone who's already maxed out to 50 points in friendship and/or romance. Then once they've remaxed that out, reduce it back to 50 again, but add that 50 to their running total.

Example: Greg has maxed out romance with Vlad. I use cheats to reduce their romance bar to 50, so Greg can still gain points. Once Greg maxes out romance again, he'll therefore have 150 in total. If he maxes out romance once more, then 200. And so on.

Apologies again and let me know if you have any questions!

@x-digitaldollhouse-x @simsfvr @bakersimmer @akitasimblr @changingplumbob

@simstagramsomeone @riverofjazzsims @mdshh

@invisiblequeen @igglemouse @panicsimss

[space-spring]

Okay I made a Bluesky a day or two back because I'm very susceptible to FOMO and peer pressure and my report is that it's fun! It's really basically just a twitter clone except a little smaller and quieter (for now), so whatever your opinions are on the original site, you'll probably feel the same about bluesky. For instance I have a lot of the same problems I have with twitter, namely:

why can't I write an essay I want to write an essay

there aren't tags that I can add my extra bonus thoughts into

everything feels very fast and impermanent

no essays.............

your likes/follows/follower count/etc. are all public (on Twitter I believe you can turn some of this off, but bluesky doesn't seem to have that feature)

NO ESSAYS I CAN'T WRITE ESSAYS??????

no I'm kidding honestly the worst part is the whole "not having tags" thing. leaving actual replies seems like too much a lot of times but I do like to add quick thoughts to posts as I reblog them, so it's something I really miss on both twitter and bluesky

so anyways definitely not leaving tumblr for it but it's not bad for the purpose of looking at art and that sort of thing

[seventh-district]

Figured I'd try my hand at some Redacted character post/text edits!

[ 1 / ? ]

Credit to @/sainthowlzon for all the Listener icons, and to @/elisacaleisa for their google drive with all the canon icons!

(slightly alternative version of the Solaires' GC edit below the cut bc i had a lil too much fun with what Vincent would name his contacts)

[datura-tea]

anyway sorry i haven't been around here much - i've been busy with irl stuff! like dnd! i've been playing with some friends and it's been really fun so far :)

here's my character, badette:

she's a barbarian tiefling who was raised by giants, and can, consequently, become a giant when she's in a rage! also she has wings and can fly. so imagine you're fighting something and then you see a flying, raging, giant pink tiefling about to attack you with her greataxe. i'd be terrified

[zipquips]

i rememorized how to solve a rubik's cube!

[autumnrory]

woooo my niece took 5 of my 13 lego sets, one of which was one of the three larger ones, so that's one huge box out of the way and i'm just glad she wanted them because like they ARE twenty years old and they look fine ofc but sometimes kids aren't gonna want stuff that isn't new and shiny ya know, but she did seem to want everything which would've been fine with me but i knew there was no way they would take all that with them, and at least i still have stuff of my own to sell, plus should get at least a cut of my brother's stuff for doing the inventory and putting together that stuff that wasn't already done

[bluebunnysart]

Quick PSA about this blog

The anon and I sorted it out over DMs so all is good now!

I'm not a huge Tetocest fan or anything, I just like it when someone draws really nice drawings of them and they happen to be Teto x Teto, so the chance of me drawing Teto x Teto is kinda low but not zero. Like I wrote in my chart, I mostly treat them as a cute pair of sisters, and that chart was a Miku x Teto chart because Negidrill is my OTP.

If I ever make Tetocest art, it's not with the assumption that they're sisters or related or seeing each other in a familial way. I'm grossed out by incest of any kind, and I'm also grossed out by pseudo-incest. Tetocest (selfcest) is literally Teto x herself/a different version of herself, not a relative or anything, so I wanted to make that clear.

I'll be tagging all my stuff that isn't quick doodles/text, so if you're anti-Tetocest or Teto x Teto or something, you can blacklist that tag or avoid me altogether because I don't hate it. The chance I'll draw actual Teto x Teto that isn't cute platonic love is like 5% though, 'cuz I like Miku x Teto more than anything and that's my main priority.

If anyone has beef with anything I like, I absolutely encourage you to unfollow me or avoid me because this is where I post art of MY interests and I don't want to be treated like a criminal in my own space.

My Miku x Teto is NOT proship (I always ship them around the same age) and I don't support proship or anything weird/immoral. I'm fine with criticism if I do something wrong but please don't be aggressive towards me because Mktt is extremely precious to me and I don't want to be chased away from my own space. You won't believe my ability to self-isolate lol but I'm not afraid of being alone, even if my love for Mktt will never die (especially not 'cuz of anyone).

For now I'll continue to draw/write Mktt/Voca/UTAUloid art at my own leisure with my own headcanons and interests, and I'm not doing it for attention. I'm doing it out of love for the characters.

Thanks for reading! ^^

[creatingblackcharacters]

I'm rewriting a Black woman character from Disney's Descendants (yes, the same Descendants where poor Uma got shrimp dumped over her head and we were supposed to think she was in the wrong for being extremely upset,) Uliana, sister of Ursula. She's played by Dara Renee in Descendants four, she was created specifically for that movie and was put in the role of the main mean girl bullying a white girl, being needlessly mean and aggressive. There's also a scene where she steals something from said white girl, winds up getting spelled by said thing and partially turned into a flamingo, and chases the girl around the courtyard until she accidentally falls in a four-foot-deep fountain in front of everyone, nearly drowns, and everyone laughs at her and she's pretty upset about that (this keeps with the trend of publicly humiliating Black girls and expecting the audience to be against the girls who were humiliated.) Later, Uliana seeks revenge against the white girl (fun fact, her friends all suggested brutal murder and Uliana played the part of the common sense friend and got them to settle for a dumb prank,) and long story short her revenge does not work and she gets in massive trouble for breaking into the principal's office and trying to steal a cursed book. We are supposed to hate Uliana and delight in her every failure, which doesn't sit well with me. She's the darkest named character in the movie and also the only Black character who uses AAVE, plus the only one with natural hair. It feels like there was a lot done wrong here and I personally think she deserves better, as do Audrey and Uma.

I'm going to rewrite this movie and I'm trying to figure out how to do Uliana better as a character. I'm expanding on her as a person, giving her a life outside of evil bully who's tormenting someone for no reason, giving her motivations and stuff. After her brother, Triton, betrayed her and their other sisters she became distrusting of everyone. When Bridget kept trying to get close to her, Uliana couldn't figure out why this pink perfect princess wanted anything to do with their group of teenage villains so she assumed Bridget was just trying to get an in to betray them and that's why she was pushing back. I also plan to make Maleficent (who is white) the head of the group and the one who Bridget accidentally turns into a flamingo (the scene will be much less humiliating but I digress.) They start plotting revenge because they're dramatic villains and Uliana still plays the role of common sense friend, talking Hades down from burning Bridget to death and Hook down from executing her and instead convincing them to pull a dumb prank that won't end them in prison. It's a fairly harmless prank, turn Bridget into a troll to get even over her turning Maleficent into a flamingo, and they have no idea that this prank is going to make Bridget become the evil dictator Queen of Hearts and start executing people. Two people who went back in time to stop the prank manage to keep the VKs from getting the book needed for the spell and the VKs are forced to abandon the mission because it's either that or get busted. After that, they can't do the prank and Bridget never becomes and evil abusive parent. Uliana grows up, realizes how dumb this entire thing was, and goes on to be the best aunt ever to her niece, Uma, and reconcile with her sisters, stays friends with her old high school group because in the movie they clearly care a great deal about each other, and lives a happy life rather than meeting the terrible life I've no doubt Disney has planned for her

I'm also changing a few other Black characters, like Chloe and Ella, so that Uliana isn't the only one with natural hair and skin that wasn't lightened post-production. I'm not sure how to approach Uliana using AAVE, I think I'll just write that out to avoid caricaturing her. And I'm giving her motivations, a backstory, a personality beyond "evil witch who hates this poor white girl for no reason," good friends, and a good enough head on her shoulders to keep her friends from assassinating a monarch. I want to give her a hobby with her hair, as she has knee-length dreadlocks that she does up in this cool do and that clearly take a massive amount of effort, and just let her be an actual person with interests, likes, and dislikes. I don't know if there's anything I'm missing, anything I should change or keep in mind, anything here that I shouldn't do, so I figured I'd ask. I apologize in advance for this insanely long ramble ask, I just have a lot of opinions on how Descendants treats the poor Black girls.

(And no, in my rewrites, Uma never gets shrimp dumped over her head, she and Mal fell out for a different reason and there was no public humiliation or demeaning nickname.)

It sounds like you got it fr 😅 there's nothing I can really do here with what you have. It'll all come out as you write. Keep in mind (unless we were supposed to pretend it wasn't and that was her real hair, which fine!) that Uliana has faux locs. Even if you were to say they were faux in universe, but her hair is still those colors, that'd be a cool hobby to have as she works with her hair.

She had a gorgeous character design and a gorgeous actress too, like just from looking at her I knew that fans and the writing were gone do her wrong lmao. The world doesn't like unapologetic Black women; "bully" is not an uncommon sentiment when we're not even being mean, so to put that all on her character does feel wild.

[supercantaloupe]

apparently i'm already halfway done my musicology degree??

[windfighter]

I got inspired by VintageBeef and I have so much respect for him after this! It took me like a week to get this together!

Admittedly I only managed to work on it one hour at the time before my brain literally shut off. How has that man managed SO MANY maps?

And naturally I want to do more minecraft posters after this x3

that said

[queenerdloser]

i picked an apartment (NOT the church remodel one lmao) and signed my lease and i have a car now so most of what was stressing me out this month is now wrapped up, which explains why my body decided i had Done Enough and gave me a head cold to force me to rest in bed.

[sysig]

Your Weekly TV Guide

On Monday you can expect:

2:30 PM: Hermitcraft - Rescuing Rusty

And Tuesday:

2:30 PM: Adventure Time

Wednesday:

2:30 PM: AT

Thursday:

2:30 PM: AT

Friday:

2:30 PM: AT - Petrigrof

Saturday:

2:30 PM: Just Desserts - Pets

Sunday:

2:30 PM: Sona daily goings-on

Thanks for tuning in! (Patreon)

[cream1111]

🍎 phone call. . .ᐟᅟ

⠀⎯⎯⠀⠀caleb/mc!reader, 1.6k, incest, somno, dubcon, mutual masturbation, phone sex, pillow humping. @rukii-afterdark , order up! ! part 1

ring ring . . .

you jolt up, eyes popping open before they settle onto your phone, with a groan you pull it closer. squinting  your  sleepy  eyes  at  the  bright  screen, you see the caller's name. caleb. you sigh, it's  1am,  much  later  than  he  usually  calls. you answer and let the phone fall next to your head.

“gege,  why  are  you  calling  so  late?”  you  whine, fighting back a yawn.

“aw,  did  i  wake  you? you sound like you're half asleep”  caleb  sounds teasing but sympathetic, and  slightly  out  of  breath...  maybe  he's  settling  into  bed  himself.

“yeah  a  bit,"  you groan a bit, your annoyed tone remaining playful "but  it's  ok…  what's  up?”  you  ask,  closing  your  eyes,  and  snuggling  back  into  your  bed.  letting  your  phone  rest  on  the  pillow  next  to  your head. 

“it's nothing serious,  i just missed  you,  l⎯”  his  breath  hitches. you  peek  your  eyes  open and  glance  at  your  phone, wondering if the call dropped. you don't have the volume very high, so you're not sure. you  pull  it  closer,  it looks like the call is still going. you press it against your ear.  it's not entirely silent, there's  a  shuffling  sound,  but it's  faint.

“are  you  ok?”  you  murmur,  confused. the shuffling seems to stop, but it's hard to tell under the barely audible droning static his mic is picking up. you let your eyes drift shut again.

“sorry,  yeah,  just,  long  day.”  he  replies  quickly,  his  voice  sounding  more  strained.  “what  about  you?  miss  me?” 

“of  course,  everyday,  you  know  that.” you'd roll your eyes if they weren't already closed. as much as you love talking to caleb, you really are tired. "listen, it's late⎯"

"i know, pipsqueak. i'm sorry for waking you. i just wanted to hear your voice." there's a tinge of urgency to his voice. you would've hurried to hang up if you didn't notice it. it makes you feel a bit guilty. he pauses, you wait to see if he'll say more. "how about this, how about you just go back to sleep but keep me on call. hearing your sleepy breathing always puts me at ease"

is that all?

"you're so cheesy," you tease. then you hum, pretending to think about it. but you're just as bad as he is, you can't ever say no to him. "yeah, fine, but i'm really going to bed, you better not keep talking to me. i won't even answer, i'll just snore"

he let's out a soft chuckle. "that's fine, snore all you like" he replies. "sleep well" he whispers, honey sweet. he's always been so sweet with you.

"goodnight" you mumble, already feeling the drowsiness washing over you. you try to quell the small excitement that caleb even wants to do something so lovey dovey with you. it warms your heart a bit, not that you'd admit it out loud. even though it's not that much of a leap, you've fallen asleep together so many times, something about it feels a little more intimate. that he misses you enough to try and pretend you're both sharing a bed. it makes it easier to pretend he is here, he's home and he's with you, keeping you warm.

your breathing evens out, you almost forget you're on the phone.

. . .

through your sleep you hear something, softly, distant. you focus, waking just a bit. you're alone. but you remember you fell asleep on the phone with caleb. is he talking? something woke you, you're pretty sure. you rouse yourself, focusing, listening.

nothing. it might've been in your dream. though you figure you'll scold him anyways, tell him to keep quiet or you'll mute him. but then you hear it again, clearer now.

"h-hah..."

no way. there's no way, is he⎯

"ah⎯ fuck"

you freeze. a blush heating up your face. you shift closer, turning up the volume as quietly as you can. just to be sure. you hear the sound of something moving, fast, wet. he's...

he's jacking off. it sounds so obvious now. the soft panting, the rhythmic sound of his hand on his well lubricated cock. a heat surrounds you, you feel like you're suffocating at the implication. there's also a gnawing unease, that you're misinterpreting this and there's some reasonable explanation that you are blind to. maybe you're just hearing what you want to hear.

you've always wanted him, more than a sister should. you rationalize it sometimes, you're not siblings, not really. it's not hard to want him, it seems just about every girl at his school would agree with you. but the shame helps you weigh those thoughts down, tuck them away in a deep corner of your mind. your relationship is unconventional, but you're just close, you just love each other, would do anything for each other, there's nothing wrong with it. you've held onto this justification for a long time.

but maybe it's a lot simpler than that.

you're not entirely sure about what's happening, if he's doing what you think he's doing. but… it couldn't hurt to pretend.

your rationalizations fade, you push the shame to the side, and you dip your fingers, along your chest, slowly, savoring the feeling. focusing on the panting, the faint sound of his hand.

your fingers dance along your skin, you're teasing yourself, until you slip them past your pajamas, over your panties. you palm yourself, rubbing, imagining the sweet friction was against him, anywhere — his hand, his thigh, his face. you realize, rather quickly, a wet spot has already formed, and you flush, feeling embarrassed with yourself.

did just the thought of him, the sound of him, do this to you?

when did you become so dirty.

you can't help the soft noise that leaves your lips at your discovery, and you realize suddenly that caleb quiets on the other the line.

you pause as well. holding your breath. for a second you can't hear anything. does he think you're awake? does he think you're doing the same thing? does he want to end the call?

"f-fuck..." he moans out, the sounds from before continue, faster, more enthusiastic. you're not sure what he thinks, but whatever it is, he's keeping it to himself.

the idea of him getting more excited, it lights a fire in you. you rub yourself faster. you try to be quiet, you really do, but you can't help the huffs and sighs that leave your lips. it's not that obvious, you think. but caleb seems to get more eager with every tiny sound you make. it's good incentive.

you can't help but think about the situation, both of you touching yourselves while on the phone, not acknowledging it, leaving room for plausible deniability. the idea that you're reading this wrong sends a shiver down your spine.

“ngh.. please” he whispers, barely there. and you don’t know what he’s begging for but you want to give it to him. you rub harder, then sigh in frustration. it's not enough. you flip, shifting onto your stomach, trying your hardest to stay quiet. you place a pillow between your legs, and waste no time before grinding against it.

you huff, loving the feeling. even if you're misunderstanding this, you like pretending. that it was his warm body heating you up, making you feel good. with your phone placed next to your ear, you imagine he was there, groaning behind you, just out of sight, touching himself for you.

you let out a whimper at the thought, a little louder. his response is immediate, a low groan. to your surprise, he speaks.

"you⎯ mm... you must be having a nice dream, pipsqueak."

you bite your lip and keep still at his words. does he want you to respond? does he really think you're still sleeping? you don't want to acknowledge it. you continue, quieter, a little shy. you don't want the illusion shattered. grinding your hips into the mattress, desperate.

you imagine his body, and it's not hard. you've memorized the feeling of his frame against yours. he's pressing into you, in time with his groans, you move at the same pace, whimpering when you buck back against the empty air. but you pull yourself back into your fantasy, he's there, his soft sounds are for you, only you.

"fuck," he hisses out, seeming to bite back the sound.

it's becoming too much, your mind is getting so cloudy, reason and shame seem like distant concepts. in this moment, it’s just the pleasure between you two, his touch, his kiss, his body, him.

"i'm— i'm gonna-" his whispers spur you over the edge.

you can barely hear his grunts as he releases with you. your mind goes blank. you don't bother with being quiet, couldn't if you wanted to. you rut helplessly, greedily, panting and whimpering all the while. as satisfaction washing over you. he hums, before letting out a satisfied sigh himself, and you smile sleepily into your pillow.

but as your heartbeat slows into a regular rhythm, and your face cools down, you're left with a pit in your stomach. the room feels colder, the call is quiet, the guilt comes rushing back all at once with nothing to keep it at bay. did you two really just do that? were you really that reckless?

what are you going to do in the morning?

"shit, i made a mess." he mumbles, but he doesn't sound too upset about it. in fact he sounds a little smug. you don't reply, but it calms you a bit, brings you comfort. a vague acknowledgement at this new game you two are playing. with all it's plausible deniability. you decide you'll follow his lead.

so when he yawns, you let the sound soothe you, you let sleep surround you. you leave your shame to him. he's always been the source, he can shoulder it for you.

it's only fair anyways, you were just sleeping, and he's the one who called you.

he made the mess, he can decide if he wants to clean it up.