#but I'm sad I just miss it yk even the parts where it was bad. I miss my house I want to go back

[evenstarfalls]

I MISS MY HOUSE I MISS MY FUCKING HOUSE

[undressrehearsal]

right back where we started

summary: ellie is on tour as the opener for a popular band. she begrudgingly passes through the hometown that she had sworn she would never see again and runs into the one good thing she left behind.

tags: some sad stuff, ellie has daddy issues, mentions of alcohol, modern au, not rockstar ellie but that same kinda genre???, no smut in this one sorry this is all setting the scene, this is another shorter one 3.6k words

a/n: listen. I'm gonna level with yall. life's been fucking insane. it's been what 3 months since I posted something?? and it's because 1. my fiancée and I are buying a house 2. and planning a wedding 3. I work 45 hour weeks (at a job I hate so much omg) 4. I'm writing a book and 5. I'm preparing for a p major surgery (I go on tuesday)

so yeah, life's been insane. but I missed writing fics. I'm writing my book so I never stopped writing but writing a lil fun fic just hits different yk?

anyway enjoy and look forward to a few (I'm thinking 3?) parts of this

love yall. reply and lmk if you wanna be added to my tag list. also I'm posting this on my phone so the formatting might be fucked lmk

part 1

Ellie couldn’t remember the last time she had been in this city.

Well, that wasn’t entirely true. She could remember exactly the last time she had been in this city. She had watched it disappear in her mirror when she had driven her bike west three years ago in search of the horizon. She had hoped she would find something more once she got there - more than the dingy dorm room she had loosely called home and the classes that had made her eyes glaze over; something more than playing at the bar’s open mic nights, her guitar hard to hear over the noisy din of drunk students and drunker professors; something more than a future that had been planned for her by the time she was in high school.

Her dad had kicked her out after she dropped out, of course, but that was fine. She had planned to leave that night anyway; she had kept a packed bag hidden underneath her bed for months. She hadn’t seen him in three years, either, and she planned to keep it that way.

But when she woke up and saw the city outside the bus window, silhouetted against the rising sun, something in her chest rose to her throat and refused to be swallowed back down.

She hadn’t missed it - but as she looked down at her shaking hands, Ellie figured her body must not have gotten that memo.

The band she was traveling with were still sleeping; she could hear the singer snoring in her bunk, could see the bassist's leg sticking out into the aisle. She had never been a morning bird - back at her shitbox apartment, you'd rarely catch her up before noon - but something about being stuck on a bus for days made her restless. It was her first time touring - after three years of playing at open mics and taking small jobs singing at the senior center - and she wasn't used to feeling her own bed constantly shifting beneath her.

Which is how she always ended up pacing the length of the bus, tapping her fingers against her thighs as the confined world around her slept, waiting desperately for the driver to pull off to whatever venue they had booked. She wasn't sure what the band did before their shows in the evenings, but she didn't stick around long enough to ask. Maybe it was rude, but she couldn't force herself to hang out with the band who only chose her because their usual opener had “flaked” on them - which was how they described it when the opener couldn't travel with them for several months after their mother had just died.

So, yeah, Ellie couldn’t find it in herself to feel bad about it when she rushed off the bus as soon as it parked, not even sticking around to let the band know where she was going. They wouldn't care either way. Hell, they were probably so hungover they wouldn't wake up until their show started in several hours.

The driver - his name was Zachary (never Zach) and he was the only one who paid her any mind - helped Ellie hoist her bike down from the rack on the back of the bus. The band had teased her about bringing it, bitching about how it showed she didn't want to hang out with them. She had been tempted to tell them they were right, but she couldn't really risk losing the first real gig she’d gotten. She lifted the seat and dug her helmet out, waving to Zachary as he disappeared back into the bus to get his own well-deserved rest.

The purr of the bike was a familiar comfort beneath her. Lowering the visor of her helmet to block out the sun, she squinted at the streets sprawled before her. She realized, with dizzying familiarity, that she was in the next neighborhood over from her old apartment. Hell, she had watched a few shows at the venue she was playing at - something in her stomach clenched.

Fuck, she needed coffee.

With the wind cold against her bare arms, Ellie let the world fly by, the city waking up around her. Her phone remained snuggly in her bag; she didn't need directions here, the familiar streets leading her down well-worn paths, winding all the way back to a life that was no longer hers.

It was muscle memory that led her back to the coffee shop she had frequented as a student. She looked up at it, a glow around its worn brick from the rising sun, and something tightened in her chest. They had replaced the patio chairs - the old ones had been practically falling apart three years ago - but otherwise it hadn't changed.

Ellie cursed under her breath, swallowing around the foreign lump in her throat, and climbed off her bike. When she took the steps two at a time, it felt like somebody else had taken the wheel. It was a familiar stranger that opened the door.

The smell hit her first. They say that scent has the strongest tie to memory, and the smell of burnt coffee beans hit her like a punch. There had always been a sweetness underneath it, something she had never been able to place but thought might be honey? When she stepped up to the counter, she could even smell the milk they were steaming.

The barista - a young girl with faded pink hair tied up into space buns - looked up from her phone and said, in a voice teetering on the edge between cheerful and bored, “How’s it going?”

Ellie took her in briefly, noting the brown corduroy overalls and the star-shaped nose ring, and was comforted knowing that this place was just as queer as she had left it. She would bet money on the fact that if she peeked over the counter, this girl would be wearing beat up Docs. She was young enough to be a student - probably an English major, if she had to guess.

She always ordered the same thing - iced mocha with oat milk. She had never understood why her dad drank his coffee black.

The barista - her tag said Dianna She/Her/Hers - eyed her as she rang Ellie up, brows quirked. When she smiled, dimples caved her cheeks. “I haven’t seen you around before. Are you a student?”

Ellie fought the urge to groan - this girl was just trying to be friendly (and was probably trying to decide if Ellie’s flannel meant she was gay or was just a bad fashion choice), but the last thing she wanted to do after failing to sleep on a bus and waking up at the ass-crack of dawn was to make small talk.

Still, she smiled and said, “I used to be.”

She paid and stuffed the remainder of her cash into the tip jar. When Dianna thanked her, her cheeks were as pink as her hair. Ellie could feel her eyes lingering on her as she walked away, nodding awkwardly in thanks.

This place really hadn’t changed in three years. The coffee shop had a reputation of students writing all along the walls - over a decade ago, they had simply stopped trying to paint over it, so the walls were littered in signatures and drawings and claims of call this number for a good time. Scattered poetry was written along the edges of the windows, an incredibly detailed Sharpie drawing of a cat peeking over the top of the doorway. When she searched for it, she found that her own scrawled handwriting was still there, small letters where nobody would think to look, right underneath the thermostat: Find me where the sun sets east. Don’t forget me.

She swallowed the lump that threatened to choke her and stepped away. Her eyes stung from sleep deprivation and nothing more.

Ellie scanned the room and found that, to her annoyance, nearly every table was taken. Students huddled around notebooks and laptops, engrossed in their work or else on Netflix to avoid studying. Professors blinked wearily, clutching their own cups of coffee as though they were lifelines holding them to this realm. Ellie could see the spot she had frequented herself - a booth tucked by the window, where she could write her songs in a dingy notebook without anyone looking over her shoulder.

Now, there was a guy with his cheek pressed to the cold surface, snoring lightly.

Ellie jumped when Dianna called her name, holding out a cup so filled with coffee that it trickled over the side and down the glass. Ellie took it gingerly, holding it in careful fingers to not spill any more on the countertop.

Dianna held onto the cup for several seconds longer than necessary, her fingers - cold from the glass - lingering on Ellie's. When a crooked smile pulled at her lips, her brown eyes sparkled. There was a teasing tilt to her voice when she said, “I hope to see you around, Ellie.”

Ellie gave her what she hoped was a friendly smile - judging by the way Dianna’s cheeks bloomed pink, she must have succeeded - before turning away. She almost felt guilty for the relief she felt when she found there was no phone number left on her glass this time. She was never sure whether it was nicer to ghost somebody or to send a gentle rejection through text, and she did not have the energy for that decision.

She turned, searching for an empty seat to slouch in and try not to fall asleep into her coffee, when her eyes found you.

You hadn’t changed a bit.

Well, that wasn’t entirely true either. You had changed - anybody would in three years. You had changed your hair, and now you dressed differently than she remembered - you used to bitch so much about how you couldn’t dress how you wanted, and now, looking at you three years later, she was happy to see that you were finally dressing like all those pictures you had saved in your little Pinterest folder of “outfit inspo.”

Ellie could see the mark of three whole years, but truthfully, you hadn’t changed. You were slouched over a laptop, leaning way too close to the screen, and you still had that pinch between your brows when you concentrated, the one that she used to run her thumb over; she could still feel how soft your skin was beneath her fingers.

She should have ignored you - she should have gone to slump in a corner of the coffee shop like she had planned, trying not to fall asleep into her cup and pretending to not notice you even as her eyes kept cutting across the cafe to find you again. She should have pushed the memories away just like she had pushed away all of the other memories associated with this city - hell, she should have never come back to this city in the first place. There were too many memories here that she had spent three years, a thousand miles, and an ocean of whiskey running away from.

And yet Ellie found her feet carrying her over to your table of their own volition. She walked the tightrope between who she is and who she once was, chasing a memory of the only good thing she left behind.

You didn’t look up at her as she approached. You kept your head bowed over your laptop, your bottom lip stuck between your teeth. There was no reason for you to look up - Ellie could have been any nameless stranger coming to bother you when you were clearly just trying to work.

But Ellie had never been good at leaving well enough alone. Which is why she hesitated for only a moment before reaching out and tapping lightly on your shoulder. She had to bite back a laugh when you jumped, pulling your headphones from your ears and swiveling around to look up at her.

She’d be lying if she said her heart didn’t do an embarrassing acrobatic jump when you met her eyes. And she had always been a terrible liar.

“Hey,” Ellie said, trying her damnedest to keep her voice steady; she only somewhat succeeded. She cleared her throat, lowering her voice when she said, “Remember me?”

Satisfaction bloomed warm in her stomach when your eyes widened, taking in the sight of her. Truthfully, she must’ve looked like shit; she had had to take a disturbingly brief shower at the last rest stop - the water apparently didn’t get any warmer than antarctic - and she hadn’t looked in a mirror for a few days. She had forgotten to pack her brush, so her hair must have been standing up at odd angles. And God knew what the lack of sleep was doing to the ever-growing shadows under her eyes.

But none of this stopped you from running your eyes down her body, cheeks pink when you finally looked up to meet her eyes again. And Ellie couldn’t stop the slow smile that spread across her face, her own cheeks growing warm. It wasn’t intentional when her voice dropped another octave, nearly a murmur when she said, mostly to herself, “Yeah, you remember me.”

“Holy shit, Ellie?” You jumped to your feet, a smile pulling at your lips as you gripped her arm. The familiar shine in your eyes did something funny to her stomach that she was way too stubborn to name. “What the fuck are you doing here?”

“I was just, uh- just passing through town,” she found herself saying, rubbing at the back of her neck. It wasn’t exactly a lie, but explaining to you the actual reason she finally came back to this hell-hole town suddenly seemed daunting. “Wanted to check out some old haunts, I guess.”

And then you just… looked at her, for several long moments - long enough to make Ellie squirm. Your eyes bore into hers, searching for something that she had buried three years ago.

You jumped, and whatever spell that was floating between you broke when your phone buzzed from where it still sat on the table. You scooped it up and flashed an apologetic smile to the glaring student a few seats away. Swiping at the screen, you cursed under your breath:

“Fuck, I have to get to class.” You looked back up at her again, a question behind your eyes, and Ellie had never wished so hard that she could read minds. You hesitated for only a moment before saying, words rushed, “Do you want to walk with me?” Before Ellie could respond, you continued, picking up your cup and fiddling with the straw, “It feels like forever since I’ve seen you and I want to catch up. But you’re probably busy, so you don’t have to-”

“I’d love to,” she cut you off, trying to smother the smile that pulled at her pink cheeks. She failed drastically when you smiled back at her.

After asking for a to-go cup from Dianna - thankfully no number written on the plastic cup either, despite the way the barista eyed Ellie as she left - she followed you out the door and back into the blinding morning sun. The mid-October air bit at her cheeks, creeping under her flannel; the cold coffee in her hand made her fingers sting, but you were already walking away, so she grit her teeth and followed.

And it was like you both just fell back into place, aligning with each other as though that empty space had never existed. You were working towards your graduate degree, Ellie discovered, and were working as a TA to get through; the class you were heading to was the dreaded public speaking class that you taught around your own curriculum. You laughed as you talked about some ridiculous speech a student had recently presented, and Ellie had forgotten just how much she liked the sound until it was burying behind her ribs again.

Ellie didn't tell you exactly why she had come back. When she’d left, you had known she was chasing a dream - it was the main reason she had presented when she broke up with you. The idea of long distance was too hard - too complicated - and Ellie didn’t want anything tying her to this town.

Even so, her body still wanted to fall into old habits. She told you about her roommate and how, when Ellie had been up too late writing a new song or her roommate had had a late shift at the hospital, they would play truth or dare until they were too drunk to stay awake, and her fingers brushed against yours, muscle memory making her reach for you. Ellie told you how she had visited her sister, Sarah, while passing through Houston, and she wanted so badly to lace your fingers together. She wanted to wrap her arm around your waist - hell, she even wanted to grab your ass right where everyone could see, just like she used to. She tucked her free hand in her pocket.

“You still haven’t told me why you came back,” you said, coming to a stop in front of the Communications building - it was just as tall and ominous as Ellie remembered. Her stomach lurched at the site, remembering all the speeches she had to make in her own classes. She supposed Public Speaking wasn’t a useless class now, considering she didn't stutter when she had to speak in front of an audience now.

Ellie shrugged, dropping her cup into a trashcan without looking at you. “Like I said, I’m just passing through-”

“Bullshit,” you said, but there was no malice behind it. You tilted your head to meet her eyes and smiled at her, even as your eyes held something unreadable. “The Ellie I knew couldn’t wait to get out of this shithole - her words, not mine. She wouldn’t simply pass through - she would go out of her way to stay in the next town over. So,” you crossed your arms, “what changed?”

Before, if you had ever crossed your arms at her, Ellie would reach out and gently pull your arms away from your chest, pulling you into an embrace. She wanted nothing more than to pull you into her, instinct unaware of the three years and a thousand miles that had separated you. Instead, she leaned against the wall of the building, the brick biting into her back. “Nothing’s changed. Trust me, if it was up to me, I wouldn't be here.”

For only a second, your face twisted into something unreadable that pulled at Ellie's stomach. But you quickly schooled your expression, tilting your head, your smile soft. “Listen, I have to go - if I'm too late, these fuckers are just gonna try to skip. But we should meet up later - I want to catch up.” When Ellie opened her mouth to say you had been catching up, you continued, “Really catch up. I want you to tell me everything - it's been years, so we have a lot to cover.” You looked at your phone and cursed. “Look, my last class ends at 3:25. Meet me on the green after?” For good measure, you stuck out your bottom lip and added, “Please?”

Ellie had never been good at resisting that look - she had given into you so many times from that look alone. She had to bite back the sudden, stupid smile pulling at her cheeks, so she pressed her lips together and looked away. After three years, you still made her cheeks flush without trying.

“Okay,” was all she could say.

Without warning, you rushed forward, wrapping your arms around her neck briefly. Her hands hovered at your sides, unsure of where to go. Feeling your body pressed against her again - feeling the warm brush of your breath against her neck - short-circuited her brain, leaving her gasping on dry land.

Before she could figure out where to put her fucking hands, you murmured in her ear, “I really did miss you, Els,” and pulled away, just as quickly as you had come. Ellie's mouth hadn't even caught up to her brain by the time you were gone, the door closing softly behind you.

Later, after she had had a proper breakfast from McDonald's, she was still thinking about you. Seeing you again had opened up a bottle that she had sealed away, and the cork wouldn't fit back into it. Her fingers itched with the memory of your skin beneath them. When you had hugged her, she had smelled the shampoo that you apparently still used, and she remembered how it had felt to have your head on her chest, breathing you in as she pressed a kiss to the top of your head. And your lips next to her ear - that opened a whole subcategory of memories that she tried desperately to push away.

She was only here for the night. She lost count of how many times she had to remind herself.

Ellie was stopped at a red light, leaning her bike from one foot to the other, when she felt her phone buzz in her pocket. She glanced at the blinking crosswalk sign - twenty seconds, so she still had plenty of time before the light turned green - before fishing her phone out. She had to squint against the sun, straining to make out the screen. She nearly dropped the phone when she saw the familiar name popping up on her screen, fumbling to open the text.

There was a screenshot of an Instagram post from the venue she was going to play at. The band's name was in bold letters, stars pasted around a grainy picture of the group. And in small letters underneath - like an afterthought - was her name: Ellie Miller.

And underneath, in all caps:

YOU'RE PLAYING AT THE HAWTHORNE?????

Her face flushed all over again. After all these years, you had still kept her number.

tag list: @macaroni676 @ellstronaut @elliewilliamsmiller0 @elliescoolerwife @letsreadsomesins-shallwe @liliflowers-blog @filtered-sunlight

[alexxncl]

‼️NIGHTBRINGER LESSON 41 SPOILERS‼️

masterlist | all lessons| season 2 | season 3 | lesson 40 | lesson 41.2 | lesson 42.1 | lesson 42.2

WE'RE HOME BITCHES

i missed my boys but i also feel bad for the nb!timeline boys bc they'll never see us again :( i miss them

HSHGDHDGD they're so stupid 😭 and ik they knew it was mammon's handwriting bc there's no way they didn't

:((((( i think i mentioned this in my lesson 40 breakdown but this is literally a physical manifestation of the login screen dialogue:

"my love for you transcends time"

if i was mc i'd be BAWLING y'all don't understand

this bg gives me war flashbacks to lesson 76 🫠 sad times man

PLEASE where did this come from 😭 everyone was all nostalgic and crying and shit and then he comes and pulls this outta his ass

NOT HE CALLED MAMMON A BROKE ASS BITCH (we been knew)

but on another note, how does he know the wallet is light if it's levitating ??? like does he feel the heaviness bc he's making it float or is he just bullshitting to piss mammon off 😭

giggling, kicking my feet, i missed her 🫶🏽 my wife, the loml

yk this would be a great time to have our affinity with her go up 😐 COUGH COUGH 😐 why isnt she dateable yet

isn't he canonically really good at math ??? like aside from just counting money

even tho it definitely comes from his greed

they're always downplaying his good qualities 🫠 hate it here /j

also side note, him getting assigned geography is a SET UP like 😭 we all know this man can't focus for the life of him. at LEAST give him math so he'd have a chance 💀

mc and mammon are ESPECIALLY cooked bc dia and barb decided to be tryhards and join every part of the competition

mc better than me bc i'd fight a bitch if he just up and left me after all the stuff that happened in the other timeline 😭 fym you're in the human world while i'm down here struggling

where did all of his development go ???? the whole season 3 arc where luke, mammon, and mc were on a train (?) together and luke learned to let go of his biases just got erased ig

Y'ALL WHAT IF HE BECOMES A DEMON

or what if it's michael messing with him even though he's fallen ??? the teaser has me paranoid idk

ANYWAYS overall 10/10 comeback lesson (i'm biased and i missed my boys 🫶🏽)

(i feel like the bonus story of the normal lesson needed its own post bc...😭)

[birdofprey1234]

So I had a really bad dream today.

Going through tags about yourself is always kinda weird, but. It's meloncholy when the blog people are talking about isn't really around anymore. By your own choices but. The memories attached to it are then kind of flitty and detached because of that. Like you don't think about them anymore.

I saw posts where people were talking about me and like, sad that it seemed I was gone. Wondering what had happened or if I was still active somewhere.

I've gotten sentiments like that before. But like... usually it was asks sent to me, or thing directly from friends who said they missed my art. It's appreciated, and still baffling, but I guess that can feel kind of put-on for my feelings compared to... making a post talking about me, thinking I'll never see it. Making that post and like.... missing me in it. Talking about me nicely.

I've never experienced that feeling before. That like... true sweetness and appreciation and humbling kindness.

I'm thinking maybe a lot of people feel that way about my blog. Thinking about me on occasion and wondering what happened, or where I am. Not because they think I died or something but, because they liked me.

I always wanted to leave a mark on this community. By that I mean like, general tumblr but also specifically the ego fandom. A huge part of the reason I left is because from my perspective people weren't really digging what i was making. Maybe I felt i was an unpopular artist in the community, or that my work was kind of unliked compared to others. I felt constantly that I was making things that I loved and was super excited about, but people around me were never as excited, and didn't really care about the things I made. (And yk, to clarify, i felt like that looked bad on *me* not the people looking at my stuff)

I think the ego/mark fandom is generally less to actually interact with content or the people making it, ((at least compared to the other fandoms I've been in.)) I didn't know about the possible differences when I joined, so I just saw people not engagin with my art in the way I wanted and I assumed my art just suddenly wasnt enjoyed anymore.

I wanted to make a mark. All the art that I made, for me was about expanding on the stories and ideas about characters I loved. I wanted so badly for those ideas to be shared and talked about and remembered. Like I was a part of something. Egos was likr one of the first fandoms i ever joined that wasnt already "over".

When I left I really wanted to dissipear. I was in a very bad place for a lot of reasons but mainly i was upset and flustered and I wanted to get away from the blog because the size it had gotten to really scared me and made me anxious. I was having trouble motivating myself to create and I feel like there was a lot of resentment over my art that I now feel guilty for.

I felt at the time like dissipearing was impossible. Like this blog would somehow always follow me? I also thought that pretty much no one would care. That they would miss the art i drew but not me, like no one would care if it wasn't about the Content. But I'm m realizing. Maybe I really did dissipear. Maybe people wondered where I went. Maybe I just dropped off the map, completely went away, like I wanted to, but... maybe not everyone just ignored it, didnt notice or didnt care like I expected.

I've been going back and reading stuff about camp UA, how I apparently brought so many kids and people together and. At the time I didnt notice. I remember people telling me that, butbit never actually sunk in. It felt fake, like just nixe words. There were people asking about me after I left, sad I wasn't around. Friends lately started to tell me recently that from their perspectivesl I was really well loved in the fandom, that I was extremely popular even though at the time I didn't feel like it at all. Seeing things occasionally about my curly haired yancy or my trans abe etc and. People still recognizing i influenced these things, seeing my joys and my ideas still circulate, even though I felt like I had made no fandom impact at all. Even if its small it's there. And combining all of these things...

I don't know. It's really nice. Now that I have some distance, to actually view the things I did and see the influence maybe I didn't realize I had. To see actual good things that came out of my blog. People...cared? Maybe they always cared and I just didn't have the perspective to recognize it. Like...joy that I've caused people. People calling my queer posts "classics", or that they made them feel good in their identity. People referencing specific ego posts i made, people missing me and wondering where I'd gone. People in old posts mentioning me by name, like I was a recognizable friend of the "family". People clearly...liking me. I don't know. Caring? Seeing me as me and not just an art funnel. I never felt that way while I was making art. I feel now like I had so many blindspots while I was running this blog and I'm not even sure why.

It feels incredibly selfish, to be honest. Super high and mighty and self aggrandizing that I'm saying all this. like..."ohhh i didn't get the response i wannnted :( and that made me saaaddd :((((" like, I don't deserve any specific treatment. I'm not "owed" any response from people. I'm not even owed recognition after the fact. I'm not owed care or interest or any of this.

...but still people care, they liked me? Maybe I did add to the community? Maybe I made things and posts that braught people together and had community effects, that people had fun and got excited over the things that i made...? Even if it was things i didnt intend, or in a way I never intended.

It makes me miss it, you know. It makes me feel, it makes y heart swim with kindness and appreciation and gratitude and LOVE and. Everything everything. It makes me teary eyed, heart full to bursting alone in my room, completely pathetically. I shared things, maybe. Things that maybe meant something. And people cared? Some of them, at least? A few people were effected, really? A place that caused me so much strong anxiety a year+ ago but. I still do miss it. People are so nice. And for what? Why do I deserve it? Everyone's so nice. The blogs i saw over and over, my friends and mutuals in the community, that I never talked to because I was small and a freak and anxious and too self concious about myself. They were so nice. People are so, so nice.

Thank you to anyone at all that ever did that for me? That asked about me after I was gone, that left me sweet messaged or comments, joined in on some thing i was doing for fun, made art of my posts, told me that i braught you joy. Connected with me. Or tried. I love you.

Idk im a weird fuckin. Emotional sap and also I gotta tell you I'm sick and haven't slept in like 13 hours so. Sorry for random long posts on ur dashboard I'm extremely sensitive.

Maybe I'll link to some other blog where I'm making art someday. Idk. I just miss the nice people in the community and the connection and. I wanted to thank you. I hope i did make an impact. At least a little.. I really really hope I did

[zoropookie]

Of course it's not really a similar context and mine might sound more stupid but this reminds me how the only friend I had in middle school was this toxic girl who did many things which I'm not going to fully explain as it would take a long time but some examples could be like me always comforting her and trying to find solutions to her problems meanwhile for me she'd just go "omf that is so sad...." And just stay there doing nothing, not that I expected it but I'd expect better comfort yk it's middle school we are all emotional at the time. My parents divorced at that time and they had a lot of financial issues which meant I had to be more careful with my money but I'd be willing to buy her things for her if she had anything missing. Someone threw her items to the trash? I'd buy wet wipes for her with all my allowance before cleaning them for her. She doesn't have lunch money? I'd give her like 75% of my food etc. She would also get offended if I gave her any positive criticism. She then went on to leave me to befriend my bully (who literally pushed me out of our still moving school bus when the driver opened the door because I was left standing all the time) and told me she must have had a reason to do it. Then they spent the entirety of the last semester hanging out together before ALSO befriending the one girl I was starting to get along with. It's been like 4-5 years since we last saw each other since I won the high school exam and went to a good one and JUST RECENTLY she texted me again like she didn't ignore my attempts at to meet again all that time. Didn't bother replying even though I did feel bad. I just don't wanna get my hopes up again yk

Just ignore and forget about them, do what you think will make you feel better pookie. Never give into people who just do as they please with you or keep you around just to have fun for a while before finally completely breaking off everything with you. If they start hanging out without you and seem contempt without you or ghost you like that, then don't even give them time you'll be more heartbroken that way. Unless there's something like an obligation or something where you guys have to work together for something, idk, just leave them to their own thing. Don't tire yourself out like that

-🌻anon

i’m so sorry that happened to you anon, i know a lot of people aren’t really remorseful when they do stuff like that but rest assured you never did anything wrong. i’m sure that you are a delight to be around, and you are a very good person to tolerate it. never compare your worth to those who can’t see it anyway

those friends were all i had from 17-22 lmaoooo. i was a shithead and part of me understands why they didn’t fw me anymore, i’m due for some serious therapy. but i also don’t think that things should have left unsaid for such a long time. my peace with it is admitting it was probably my fault and that i should just move on, but i don’t think i’ll be able to let myself get close to people

[moonmoonthecrabking]

(livebloggy) thoughts about the studio versions of eurovision 2023 songs on spotify (don't judge me). also if i say something has "energy" or "vibes" it is almost always neutral/positive.

aijā: the instrumental fooled me into thinking this would be far more upbeat and Quirky. then the melody came in and it's slower than my personal liking. uh, sir are you okay? i do like the strong pulse with subdivisions, i hope that's right terms. i like the ending "please don't wake up" (ig that's the bridge) and the stripped down ending (i do mean ending this time) in latvian.

dance (our own party): i liked it until the verse lyrics came on. AND I LOVE THE INSTRUMENTALS THOSE ARE REALLY BOPPING. the chorus is neat!!!! the verse seems like dichotomy. but not in the best way. idk. i'm really enjoying like the whole song aside from verse 1. apart from that section it's great! also i acknowledge that when i write in this post format my bitchiness and criticism grows three sizes so yk

who the hell is edgar?: is it cringy? MAYBE but it's fun OH THE CHANT DAMN. like the music, even though it's upbeat and electro, suits the vibe of possession and horror. even without the chant (though that was sick). which the last song was missing in the first verse. look. early favourite tbh. thanks austria! (the 'who the hell is edgar?' at the end took me out tho ngl)

breaking my heart: it's not bad. it's cute! it reminds me of something i would do warmups to in dance class!! (not a bad thing at all). the texture drop and tight harmonies is done really well. if you described this to me i'd probably expect to hate it but i'm vibing!

so far when i looked up which country each entry was from i wasn't super surprised. idk what that says but i'm saying it.

tattoo: i know this is loreen. thing is i didn't get the hype for euphoria so we'll see. it reminds me of something? oh it's kinda got greatest showman vibes in the chorus. not really in the verse but. also the pre-chorus does remind me a little of church music (like hillsong music). instrumental reminds me of the slow part of love is blind (lithuania 2012). i think people will probably really like this, i think it's mid.

because of you: i have listened to this one before, admittedly. just dance energy. again reminds me of warmups when i did dance as an extracurricular. the lyrics aren't for me, but if they're inspired by a real person, then that's cute for them!!! i just hope they don't make the staging really basic tbh

heart of steel: i like how it's going hard on the minor key. some villain energy. which i respect and endorse wholeheartedly. like it's chill, but evil, and i think that's what we all need to embody a little bit. also reminds me of 'don't get sad, get even' in vigilante shit. idk where i was expecting to come from, but this is very cool, ukraine!!

carpe diem: i like how it starts a lot, less how it builds. OOOO GUITAR OOOOO. i am a child, but that's besides the point.

d.g.t (on and off): i can't really describe it?? it's very rocking for such a slow song, i love the snapping and the rhythm. the high parts, less so, but it really depends on how it's performed. 6/8 my beloved. my beloved. mmmmmmm dynamic interest mmmmmmm. i am not one to wish different from the high notes but uh, not my fave part of the song rn (then again i generally prefer songs sung lower)

ai coração: OOOO THE PIANO RUN LIKE IN SHREK 2. it's so danceable but non in a generic edm way oh i am in love i love her voice ohohohohoh. thank you portugal this shall be in my top.

power: GIRL WHERE WAS THE INTRO. uh very hillsong. idk what to tell you it just gives strong christian music vibes at the start. the electro undertones minimises it but still. STILL. not even just the music the metaphors too.

stay: it's too slow for my liking. it's not bad, it's just. that sort of song. parts of this are familiar, from other eurovision songs. the chorus gives very 'we are the world! world peace!' energy. not my favourite, but if you like it, i'm happy for you!!

eaea: i have listened to this before!!! i think it's neat!!! the vibes are immaculate!!! thank you spain!!! (don't love it as much as slomo but that was the top of my spotify wrapped so yk)

samo mi se spava: it's giving the 2005 dcom minutemen. no i will not elaborate.

blood and glitter: is this... rap rock?? contrast?? it's giving some form of campiness ig?? I LOVE IT. THE VARIETY. GERMANY?? damn nice work germany!!

we are one: it's a little to 'simple happiness' for my taste? but at least it's happy and uplifting!!! i don't love it but i respect it!! it does however remind me of the australian Classic 'for we are one but we are many, and from all the lands on earth we coMe'. i sang that song for like 4 years before knowing the lyrics. like damn i was really rather no thoughts head empty when i was 5. yeah ireland i'm not shocked.

cha cha cha: giving uno energy?? very high energy!! actually add this to a get psyched mix bc this slapsssssss. wooooooooo

mama šč: hey i don't get it i think it's doing A Lot!! but i'm really keen to the staging, and it's bopping

tell me more: it's very sweet and cute. like if it's this sort of slow song it can manipulate me. even if there's non-mischa bachinski rap (seeeee, rtc mutuals, i can slip the references in there!!!)

bridges: reminds me of a matter of time from 2018?? it feels very soft and a little angsty but not in the way i like?? the lyrics, while so valid, aren't what i wanna listen to to live my best life yk?

break a broken heart: ooooo i love the rhythm of this one!! dare i say believer vibes? also the disney channel movie zombies? i know this sounds bad but i'm genuinely thoroughly enjoying it!!! vibes king

what they say: it's sad deep in a way that doesn't particularly mesh with me, unfortunately. although 'i got too much on my plate' eyo same man

evidemment: feels very epic and very french. OH A DANCE BEAT OH. we're vibing now perry the platypus!

solo: it's very upbeat beach vibes. look i just really like it. it's so slay girlboss, you know???

i wrote a song: hmmmmm at least someone's taking alexander rybak's advice!!! not my personal cup of tea musically (not much melodic interest and too staccato for me) or lyrically (since i'm translating catullus, i'm not in the mood for scorned lovers who decide to write verses about how they're getting their revenge. but i don't dislike this artist!! i do hate catullus)

soarele si luna: PASHA PARFENI!!!!! i'm really enjoying this one!!!! (not as much as his 2012 entry, but i had 11 years to fall in love with that one, it'll take time, and they're very different)

due vite: not my thing, and that's okay!!

watergun: it's not my kind of ballad, i hope this person is okay!!

duje: i love the strong pulse with the native language and the violin runs and how it says hyped!!!

my sister's crown: women supporting women. i'm not the biggest fan of the english lyrics or the melody in the verse BUT THE CHORUS SLAPS like majorly so. i don't love the soft ethereal it gets in the english chorus but when it changes languages i do. i think this is a hint that i don't love music in english as much

COMPARE THE MEERKAT AD WOOOOOOOOOO I FUCKING LOVE COMPARE THE MEERKAT (it's a real website you can go to btw)

promise: my country :) i've listened to this one already. i find it rather repetitive in the verses (particularly the first one), the music is fine!! certainly not my least favourite of our entries!!! i really like the music in "cross my heart til the sun turns red in the sunrise" (possibly aided by the brevity of it) and also when they absolutely fucking rock out in the instrumental

burning daylight: i personally don't love it, it reminds me of like 2013 indie stuff. also, to be nitpicky, there's one specific lyric that is the sorta thing that i know pisses me off so. yeah. didn't Help.

queen of kings: yeah this one was an early favourite of mine i've already listened to it. it just musically gives me dark fantasy vibes and energises me, you know?? very disappointed the studio version doesn't include the italian and latin chanting, but it's still like a great song to run to (i don't run). i was a little concerned about if she'd be able to pull of the vocals live (based only on the studio version) but when i watched her melodi grand prix version she fucking slayed

unicorn: i love the epic intro, it was kinda too much of a drop for me when the singer came in. pre-chorus feels a bit basic (***for my tastes) or is it the chorus idk but it reminds me of the circus climax of madagascar 3. the phenonamal part is a bop, and i really do like the ending part!!! the first half just wasn't my taste as much (aside from that beginning instrumentation)

if it's not on spotify, i wasn't bothered to listen to it (but ofc i will eventually!!). honestly this feels like a pretty good year (to meeeee) but not the highest quality ballads/slow songs (i know there's a difference, but for the sake of eurovision, no there's not)

[evapiipz]

i feel everything and nothing, an essay describing you specifically.

-by eva. TW! several mentions of cvtting, other methods of self h@rm, su¡c¡de. if the essay mentions you by name, or any characteristics, reach out to me. (available on the hours 08.00-01.00, takes longer to respond if you've been mentioned badly cause I'm too anxious to answer)

.

.

.

.

I cut. it happened. 101 days down the drain.

I could have reached out. I didn't. I should have. hanna is disappointed. I know she is. no shit though, I could have avoided it.

"why?" hanna asked. "because I can't cope." i answered. I can cope though. I have for 101 days and three hours and 41 minutes before I didn't.

"why?" is a difficult question for lots of people. most answer, i do too. never truly though. don't know why. scared? I think. my true answer would be "girl bad. girl sad. girl cut."

I think it would be. or I don't? fuck, who knows. not me. I don't know anything. do I even exist at this point? it's a fever dream for sure. cause nobody truly likes me in any way. "why?" oh. I can answer that why pretty easily.

I cut, is one thing. it's minor, I think. I talk too much, too little. nobody understands what I talk about. I don't too. I speak my mind, or I lie. no in-between. I keep everything in or let everything out. no in-between. I annoy people. a lot. I cry and I cry that life is shit but I do nothing to make it better. I should and I can try, I won't.

"stop" is a word I don't understand. I won't. I can't? I can, I won't.

violetta. I love her. but man, I don't know. she's nice and stuff and always makes me smile, she has the best taste in fashion and is a great friend, but, with everybody, If I'm not their number one, I don't exist to them. I'm dead. we only talk when we need to, never just because I love em. she's helped a lot with my confidence, really, but yeah. I really don't exist to her.

maria. I miss her the most. she's beautiful. I love her too. she's pretty and smart and has this way of words (we don't speak, never, but I just know) that anything she says, I'd believe her. but same thing, cause she lives not so close, we don't meet up. that leads to us not talking. which leads to us not being eachothers number one's. it's okay, I think. I mean, atleast i have some of her not none. I could change the situation though, do something about It. I won't. I can't.

jacki. same thing for the third time!! if i am not their number one, I do not exist. I'm just in the world taking up space, money, and time. jacki's nice too, helping me a lot with my i don't know what shithole of a journey. i love her, which is weird considering we met on the internet less than a month ago. i think she's cool. very, very cool. can't talk much though, we bearly know eachother.

hanna again (saab rabanduse varsti). I think she's my number one. I've known her the longest of my friends. she knows (almost) everything about me. but, there's times where the reasons I hate her sre overpowering the reasons I love her. Hanna, if you're reading this, please stop talking about your boyfriend. I know i used to do the same with yk who, but still. it's getting out of hand. can't even come over because u two got plans. and the amount of times you've said that u hate him is very, interesting. I've never liked him. and to be honest, your ex was better. (before the shit went down).

"su¡c¡de" letters wrote /j , now to the su¡c¡de part

first deadline was 1st of january. second was 27th of january. third is next week's saturday. I've got 13 days left, if my plan works. maybe I'll try sooner, maybe later. I dunno. but I will try. everything I have is basically worth nothing, and my current state is pending between I feel nothing and I feel everything. I need everything to stop. myself to stop. I've tried once, but overdosing on random shit doesn't really work. got lightheaded and threw up. the "new and improved" method will work. I need the courage to run and jump before I can think why I shouldn't. In the end, who the fuck cares if I die. possibly the persons mentioned earlier will do something (if i commit su¡c¡de, some said they commit. really encouraging) but who knows, it's a 65% chance they will forget me.

(every statment above, has been proven true. i think)

[1d1195]

Hiii! 🎀🦢💕

It's been a while :) I hope you're in your best mood today.

So now that I'm done with my midterms and my online quizzes, I can live a little! I did very well btw🙈 so how are you? And ding 3??? IT'S AMAZING, I don't know how you thought of the name.. like, it fits so well! Ding! Ding! Ding! In everywhere, literally!😭

Okay, so I know how it feels to see the best in everyone I did so for a very long time (I think I still do? And I get hurt in the process, but I just don't want to make someone feel bad, yk?) I know that sounded so bad and cruel "I don't know why I kept her around" I didn't mean it in that way😭😭 I think she hurt my feelings to the point where I don't want to even remember anything between us (most of our conversations were about classes, notes, presentations and group work) sometimes I miss her presence but I think it's not important anymore.

I know you're not judging me, but I still feel that I have to explain my point. If she was my friend, I wouldn't have said that, but I was more like a project and not a friend, yk?

Anyway, I just wanted to make it clear😭 I don't hate her, I'm just hurt that she thought of me as a rival and a selfish person who wants to have everything and not share with anyone (when our prof said that I got the higher gpa and there will be a celebration in the seminar room she started treating me differently and thats when everything just started to show up) she was sad but that didn't mean that it was okay to treat me differently right? Idk.

Well, about that guy 😖 I feel tired when talking about him. Like, last week when we were in class my friends and I sat at the end of the class (we were fashionably late cause yk🤷🏻‍♀️ it's okay why wouldn't we?) Anyway so while the doctor was talking he kept staring at us like i don't know why is he so creepy he just won't quit it! And and he makes us uncomfortable. I just wanna punch him in the face😭😭 I HATE HIM.

Btw have you read the Shtter MEe series? I read book 1 and I'm currently reading the novella I'm so excited I want Juliette to love Warner😭😭😭 bit at the same time Adam is quite the best boyfriend but I just love Warner😍 I guess I'm just a girl🎀

Tell me about a book you'd never get bored of🙈🦢

I'm sorry if you felt like I was being rude btw💕

-🎀

A lot of the time when I write stories I think about how I want it to end before I figure out the middle or even the beginning parts. This time I had the beginning (because of the dream I had lol) but then I kind of thought about the ending and it just seemed like a cool way to tie everything together and I thought I could use it in a lot of contexts. Thank you for being so sweet! Glad you enjoyed!!

I'm so glad you did well on your exams! I knew you would! Forgive me, did you tell me what you're studying? I would love to know!

No I get it totally! I defend a lot of the friend choices I made and a lot of the people I keep around me still. It's not cut and dry to me so I feel for you. You can defend her all you want. She was your friend and for better or worse that was a really formative part of your life/relationships, ya know? I get it. My best friend from 1st - 8th grade was the most popular and most hated girl in school. She was the best and no one understood how I could be friends with her--like parents of other friends would say they didn't get it--and it was hard to defend. But she meant so much to me. She was my best friend through some really big parts of my life.

That guy sounds like a creep, I'm sorry you have to deal with him. It stinks he's in the same class(es) as you. I hope you don't have to punch him in the face.

I haven't read the Shatter Me but I googled it and it sounds like a really cool series. I'm a little hesitant about anything dystopian related. I'm feeling like we've been living a rapidly closer dystopian society I don't want to read about it too y'know? But I see there's an underlying romance so 👀👀

Oh boy, a book I'll never get sick of!? Wow. I don't know...there's so many I've read. I think it would be the one I read last summer. Love and Other Words by Christina Lauren. It was pretty romantic and angsty. It had just about everything. I also really loved The Rose Code by Kate Quinn. I think those would be my two favorites right now. I wouldn't get sick of them I don't think.

hope you're having a relaxing weekend!

xoxo

p.s. I don't know what you felt was rude! I think you're lovely and didn't think anything negative of what you said! 💕

[disordercinema]

One of the nice old councilmen from where I work died today and I am left once again contemplating about Death and my relationship with it. It might be a bit egotistical from my part, but idk. He was battling with cancer since I met him and the first thought I had when I heard he died was "oh, he is resting now". That it was kindness towards him, yk? To be taken by Death. My grandfather had pancreas cancer when I was 8, he died and it changed the course of my life. Everyone told me he was resting and I wanted to trade places with him. My grandma died of many complications after a heart surgery when I was 15, I thought "yeah, she's not suffering anymore", even though I didn't want her to die.

For a long time I was really tired, all I wanted was to sleep forever and I did try to kill myself. I thought death was rest back then too. When people I deem as bad die I get happy cause I know they'll never pay for their crimes in life and their death is a relief for the people they hurt. When death comes too suddenly I think it's a shame, but I like to believe it never misses the timing. Like Death is always right. I'm terrified of dying, my OCD likes to trick me and make me believe that every street I crossed could've killed me and I gotta check if I'm alive. But I'm also so... Idk... Ok with it. I'll die. Everyone I love will, unfortunately, die. There's nothing we could do. It's like I'm living and breathing Death every single day.

Any moment could be the moment, it's terrifying but I can't stop doing what I'm doing. At the same time I am enchanted by every depiction of Death as an entity or a symbol in media, especially the kind ones. It's grim but it is beautiful. Gothic literature knows how to express this feeling better than I do, I suppose. Anyway, just by writing this my brain is trying to convince me that now I'm going to die today. And it evokes a fear that I am so used to that I'm just like, "Yeah, if I die I die".

Sorry for this long ramble, I just kept wondering about whether there is a name for this complacent fear of Death that I live with. This relieved sadness towards the end of others, like "Your time has come, safe journey, rest well". Idk... I just hope he's resting well now.

[omarsfeverdreams]

" what are your intentions with me?"

She never did ask me this but I can imagine myself being asked by her. This question puts me on the spot and truly brings out everything.

No, I never had any negative intentions but yes, I didn't carry out my positive intentions the best way possible AND I let myself be carried away by my emotions which were riddled with the ancient fire that is or was my love for her and weirdly enough, it all felt right. Like , loving her felt right, kissing her , hugging her, talking to hee, listening to her , etc , it all felt right.

So I used to think that in life, there was no real way of you finding our if you're on the right path , no way to confirm that you are where you're supposed to be and doing what you're supposed to be doing.

BUT j learned that if you're winning , you're " profiting " from your efforts instead of , yk , not winning , then that works as a hint that you are doing the right things.

Well with that said , in the grand scheme of things, like on a spiritual and universal level , interacting with you felt...like that was it. I achieved the purpose of my existence. I found my place in the universe and that was next to you. I've never felt so spiritually connected with someone else in my life.

No need to keep fighting for a better tomorrow , even though I of course still needed to. But it took some of the urgency from it.

If anything I mean that I didn't need to worry anymore. I didn't need to..worry anymore...like I understood the reason why waves from the ocean move. It wasn't a scientific conclusion exactly.

It goes back to the idea of ," God doesn't let a leaf fall from a tree without his permission."

How is it that something so insignificant in the grand scale of things matters so much to the grand architect of the universe ? I don't know lmao.

But in those instances in which I was with you, it all made sense in a way I cannot put it in words. It all just clicked, maybe our souls were finally in harmony or our bodies secreted loads of serotonin into our system.

Coincidentally, whatever it was, i felt like I found my place in the universe.

I wonder what you think. Did you feel like you found your place next to me?

Alguna ves pensaste que yo era tu otra mitad de la naranja ?

All of these words and thoughts are subject to review and change for the most part. They aren't the best said things but I need to say them in order to help me create the most comprehensive thesis on you....and what I felt , feel, think , perceive, and understand you.

Anyways, it's marcos's birthday today. He would be 46 today. I miss him every day. Recently , I talked to someone about how I went to a tool concert. They asked about how expensive the tickets were and I said that they were expensive but my step dad paid for them. Ofc that's a lie but I can't say the real story although in a way he did pay for them.

I feel bad...well not bad but rather sad that I keep talking to others about my step dad like if he was still around. Well I obviously can't tell the truth but part of me likes thinking....that everything is okay. That he's back home...with my brothers and mom. That he's there , waiting for me. Proud of me...and of who I have become and how much better I'll be.

Thank you for letting me cry about him to you that night when we thought we saw a deer nearby your house. I'm telling you right now , only a select few have seen me cry and breakdown the way I have in front of you. And it's not who you think either.

You were real special to me. You are real special to me. Like him.

I miss both of you everyday.

Thanks Marcos for all of your hard work and efforts. I'll keep fighting for you and for our family. Im sorry for not being the best son when you were around...I hope I can make you proud from wherever you're at now. I'm going to keep getting after it. I'm going to keep getting better no matter what.

Thank you for everything you did for us.

[winterpower98]

Part 2 on the way

- beach episode but macaque stays hidden under the umbrella judging everyone

Ma supervising

Wukong either running around to look for cool rocks or sleep the whole time

And Ba and Beng being cute around

Also yk those people who sell like granite (i swear how do you say it in English) ? Okay wukong would zoom just to get the peach flavored and then go back to sleep like a grandpa

- i like to think that Beng didn't know how to swim, and felt stupid for it because he was scared of water (and never learned how to swim)

So one day, when he tried to swim, Mac was watching, Ba was teaching him, and Ma was making sure Beng wasn't scared or anything.

Wukong? Under water holding Beng up so he didn't sink. Just standing at the bottom giving Beng a chair with his hands.

- imagine you're relaxing and suddenly wukong says "lmao" out of no where.

- like to think that sometimes or deadass every Friday Beng and Ba receive a gift. A gift for both, maybe a book for Ba and something else for Beng, anything that they would like.

They don't know who is the person who gives them a gift, and honestly they have started to wait for them each Friday.

Little did they know it's wukong giving them gifts.

- this hc is really funny to me but- macaque being jacket but not being able to open a jar of pickles, then you see wukong, this skinny man, being able to lift a whole mountain. Even better if you think that wukong is a bit chubby because he doesn't train and keeps eating junk.

- feel like Mami, despite wukong horrible choices, is very proud of wukong.

He started as some stubborn child, and ended up as being half if not all china hero and a god. He matured a lot and she's proud of her son for it.

- wukong as both a grave for Ma and one that used to belong to macaque, he used to stay there and sit and give flowers to each grave.

He still does, but doesn't do it to Macaque one anymore, since he isn't dead anymore.

- wukong still has a big amount of animals in his house, especially weird cats and horses.

- wukong used to groom his friends a lot, monkey way to show affection 💪

Sometimes he gave flowers too because apparently humans did it to show that they loved someone. He didn't quite get it was rather more romantically than platonic. But did he care? No.

- wukong likes salami. That's it. Bono er salame

- wukong acted like a grandpa since he was a kid, maybe he took it from langur and horse, unknown, he was just a grandpa since birth man. The ultimate old sun.

- both handsome monkey king and old sun were nicknames made by his monkeys,

Handsome monkey king because he reached both demons and monkey standards,

And old sun because everyone saw their king as a second parent or directly their grandpa.

- Ma was likely the first one with Beng to ask wukong to train them, both wanted to protect their people when wukong wasn't there!

- monkey king is so bored as a god that he knows how to code, sew, draw, paint, and make a rocket

Like wow dude

- if Beng and Ba ever visit again wukong the first thing they'll see is probably wukong with 7 monkeys on him, one grooming him, one attached to his leg, one trying to tackle him and push him, one playing with his tail, and one asking questions for the next three hours (imagine wukong and the monkey asking questions like : "wabadababa is that true? Yeh")

- i imagine the whole group feeling bad in different ways for wukong, they already do because of jttw (other than Mac). because despite Tripitaka treating wukong so badly, wukong still misses him and can't let go. It's just..sad. y'know? (I'm talking about Ma if she was alive too)

- they all liked Mami. Mami is a very likeable person and wukong will beat up whoever says otherwise.

whenever the ground had a sleepover to wukong house Mami always made food that wasn't fruits, everyone liked that.

- speaking of the house, wukong house was a human one, so Mami and wukong were the only monkeys who lived in an actual house and not maybe little camps or also caves. That's why doing a sleepover there was the best. Cozy house.

- bet Ba and Beng would have loved how well taken care and full of life flower fruit mountain is again!

- apparently, monkeys do get periods! Yes menstrual ones. so i can only imagine wukong taking good care of Mami whenever her period came, he did the exact same to Ma and Ba too. Just helping like a true gentleman. (i do wonder if he would have periods too because of my trans headcanon..)

- if the monkeys could ever meet MK, what would be their reaction? We know that Mac didn't had the...best first impression, but he's working on it.

We already talked about how Mami treats MK like her kid just like wukong, (i don't know if you ever talked about MK with langur and horse, i remember you saying that wukong tried to hide the fact that he had a successor from them but failed though!)

Part 1

(I think it's like a gelato kinda situation, you just call it granita I guess. Because granite is the rock)

Oh, I love the idea of Beng not knowing how to swim and Ba teaching him! That's very cute.

Of course Mami is proud of her son! Yes he made mistakes, but that is part of growing and he did his best to atone for them

Man god ADHD and was alone for 500 years. That is a dangerous combination, no wonder he knows how to do so many things

I didn't know monkeys get menstrual periods too. I'm sorry for them, I hoped they would be free from that pain

I did say that Wukong tried to keep MK a secret from Langur and Horse. That's because he knew the two would have made fun of him, calling him a dad even when he had only started to train the kid. Both immortals like MK very much, he's a sweeter version of Wukong to them.

And while I'm sure Ba, Beng and Ma would absolutely adore MK too, they would also be equally worried about him because 1 he's a kid, and 2 why would Wukong even need a successor?

[dumbass-mha-simp]

Elliott x GN!Reader

Your New Playlist

Kinda sad? Ig angst but not actually like, bad angst yk.

1k words

Stardew Valley

Warnings: crying, mentally beating yourself over a crush, self-sacrificing but not in a death kinda way, cussing (I think like one f word), Elliott is a theater kid you can't convince me otherwise,

I wanna do a part two, would anyone be interested? I know how much us Elliott simps want fanfiction. I'm probably gonna start on it anyway lol.

Yes I actually made this playlist smh ikik, you don't have to listen to it ofc but his aesthetic really fits my music taste, at least I feel so. I write my fanfiction as gender neutral as I can but if you ever spot any mistakes I'd love to fix it!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Elliott's POV

My feet took me across the path leading to Leah's house. The gentle cotton clouds stretching their wisps across the blue sky, bright enough to blind me as though it were the sun that it surrounds. The gentle new Spring breeze froze my cheeks lightly as my eyes closed to avoid the same chill from the past winter.

Fresh Spring flowers and hidden vegetables encircled her yard as I made my way to knock against the dark wood door that always seemed thunderingly loud.

Leah peaked through the window by her door before I can see her face light up and reach for the door.

"Hey, c'mon in!" She opens the door wider to let me pass through. "How are you doing?"

"If I'm honest, a little troubled." I sigh looking forlornly to the floor.

"Come sit." Leah pulls me to her table and sits in the accompanying seat. "Tell me what you're thinking."

"Leah, what does it feel like to you before you admit you fancy someone?" I look up into her listening eyes before her face changes into slight shock.

"Hmmm." She brings her hand up to her chin as she ponders. "Well, you miss being around them when they're gone. You constantly find ways to connect anything back to them, like `oh they'd love this`, or `I should check up on them.` You care about their opinion more than others and you want to learn about them, even if it's the uninteresting things."

I slide my arms down onto the table, placing my head on top of them. That sounded exactly like what's happening. I had read about it a million times, falling gently in love with a close friend. Perhaps that interest to become friends was always attraction.

"I can't get enough of Y/N." I muffled through my folded arms sighing once again as I turned my head to finally look back up at Leah, the light stinging my eyes.

"Well maybe I could help you with getting more of them?" Leah smirked as she grabbed her phone from her pocket.

I lifted my head slightly panicked. "What are you doing?" I rushed out.

"Relax, I'm not telling Y/N. But they shared something with me. They have a wide music taste yes?"

I had heard some of their music. While they made us lunch, while they partake in their hobbies, when they hum near silently late at night on the beach. I nodded back thinking of how they never seemed to be signing along to a song similar to the others. Unpredictable, and absolutely captivating.

"Well one of their tastes in music is very folk-y and they mentioned how those songs reminded them of you. So they made a playlist of songs that remind themselves of you." Leah said looking down and scrolling through her phone.

They made a playlist about me. They actively want to remember and listen to things that remind themselves of me. I feel I might faint. Was this something that was common among friends? Was this nothing more than an act of kindness? Or something they decided to do on a whim?

"Here give me your phone I'll send it to you." She holds her hand out expectantly.

I quickly go to pull out the hardly used device. I had never had much use for it but if it could bring me any step closer to Y/N I wouldn't hesitate to learn.

Leah downloaded a music app, laughing at how I had no applications. Before leaving it opened on the playlist. "The Lonely, Ocean-Accompanied, Writer." It read. I reread it a couple times to convince myself it was real. A lovely name, but is that how they see me?

"Chill out, Romeo." Leah giggled. "I can practically see you overthinking everything. Just relax and listen to the songs, maybe they'll tell you something."

I wrapped my arms around her neck, hugging her closely before leaving to listen to the playlist.

~~~

As I shut the door behind me I pressed my back against it. I've never felt so scattered before. I looked for the volume button, turning it up before hitting play.

The songs, quiet but emotional. As though you had just lie down on the grass to cry or relieve tension or reminisce. They felt like a memory I had trouble recalling.

The songs seemed to renew me, before I heard one I distinctly remembered hearing before. From high-school theater club, a time in my life that was fond to me. I do remember Y/N telling me they loved musicals, hearing them hum along to Heathers while I wrote.

A song unlike most others on this list.

"When He Sees Me" from Waitress.

~~~

Y/N's POV

"Oh, Yoba. What if when he sees me, I like him and he knows it? What if he opens up a door, And I can't close it?" I belted out the lyrics as loud as I wanted, the tears streaming down my face unwavering.

The good side to owning your own farm is you could scream along to your songs without people to complain. You had been replaying this part of the song for awhile now. He was all you could seem to think about.

Your head was swarmed with thoughts of Elliott. Some where he reciprocated your feelings and others where he shut you out. Every time you built a daydream where he loved you unconditionally you trampled it with the thoughts of his rejection.

You brought your knees up to your chest, resting your head between them as you cried.

~~~

Elliott's POV

We had had conversations about musicals, perhaps that's why they chose this song? Maybe they thought since my school had a play of Waitress that it'd fit. But I know they liked other Waitress songs, why weren't those added? Only this one.

After that song came another, "I Hear A Symphony" one I've never heard. As the song started all I could see was Y/N. I could hear them singing along, their smile, their eyes averting to mine for the thousandth time.

Y/N was my symphony.

The powerful, breathtaking ocean couldn't compare to the awkward farmer that ran across town just to give me their best sweet pea flowers and be the first thing I saw as I left my quaint cabin.

They brought the motivation and inspiration for 8 hour writing sessions, they brought me food when they knew I'd forgotten to eat between writing the book and planning on what to write next.

They were something I could never dream of losing. I wished to live the rest of my life with their support.

If telling them my feelings means I'd lose them, then I couldn't dream of making such a selfish decision.

~~~

Y/N's POV

I trudged my way into town. After last night's crying session my eyes still felt a bit dry, if I'm honest I cried when I woke up as well. The loneliness felt suffocating in such a lonely little house. But I needed some new seeds. The stone path drawing all my attention as I walked.

As I walked into Pierre's it wasn't hard to tell that people could see something was off. After buying my seeds I felt a hand on my shoulder, turning around to find Elliott.

"Y/N are you feeling alright? You look as though you've been distressed lately." You motion to him to follow you and walks out of the store behind you.

You take a deep breath as you start to tear up a bit more. He reaches for your face as he lifts it up, looking at the pooling tears.

So many things, the things you could have said. But they didn't come up. Instead a vision of his face of discomfort at your confession. You couldn't bear it. You couldn't tell him.

"I've just been stressed. I'm sorry for worrying you, Elliott." You sigh, attempting to put up a fake smile as you wipe your eyes. He retracts his hand as he looks guilty. Fuck does he feel like it's his fault?

"Well I'm willing to listen to your troubles if you ever need." He also puts on a strained smile as you both part ways.

"This is for the best." They both whisper as they leave.

[bobcross1010]

okay >:3

*ahem* SO THIS IS THE SORCEVALIER AU MY POOKIE AND I MADE

So like. seocevalier 🤤🤤🤤 theres the kingdom knights (good (?) guys) and then the imperial soldiers (bad (??) guys) and y'know. Imperial soldiers are fighting against the kingdom and the king and all that

it all started with Toya righht cause he was like "man screw these nobles and screw the king. I'm running away" and Saki was kinda just like "lol ok" but Tsukasa was like "no" becAUSE (this is the angsty part)

The KING!!! King OTORI!!! ENU DAD!!!! is NOT A GOOD PERSON!! AT ALL!! He kind of just manipulated Tsukasa verryyyy slowly because he toon a 'liking' to him so very slowly Tsukasa was from "HAHAHAH IM A KNIGHT FUCK YEAH" to just. blank. emo. y'know y'know (can you tell i'm bad at explaining things) like he abuses him manipulates him and he even gave Tsukasa drugs?? that he masked as sleeping pills and Tsukasa js just unaware of it so every night he's just downing fucking drugs.

So basically the king is manipulating and abusing Tsukasa to the point where even Tsukasa has tried to khs multiple times but he's too like. manipulated yknow but one day he fails a mission and the king is realky passive aggressively mafumoming and Tsukasa is like "o shit" so he tries to khs again in the forest snd HE WOULD HAVE SUCCEEDED IF NOT FOR..

ruI KAMISHIRO!!! EVIL SORCERER APART OF THE INOERIAL SOLDIERS!!!! [cue cheesy cheer sfx]

He saves Tsukasa and brings hom to his cabin, and after Tsukasa wakes up Rui kinda just says "yeah you have to stay here for like a week to heal" and guess what happens in that week 😈😈 BONDING!!!!! At first its very slow yk yk cause Tsukasa does not want to be there he's just pissed he failed the mission and even more pissed that he failed to khs and even even more more pissed that he has to spend a fucking week with his enemy abd Rui here is just trying his best because he's trying to ger Tsukasa to realizie the king isnt a good person and things happen like Rui teaching Tsukasa magic (which is banned jn the kingdom), Rui trying desperately to give Tsukasa a hobby (he has none) (also he fails) and now they have like. trucies. by the end of the week they're acquantinces now!!! (fun fact: tsukasa actually calls it trucies and Rui just laughs at him)

So now Tsukasa is like "oh the king is bad :( but Buttttt :(((" while going back to the castle but the moment he sees the king again he's just like "nah he king is good why would I believe in the sorcerer???" Also Tsukasa tries to convince the king that magic isn't all that bad but ends up getting a slap in the face

So now heMs tryibg to avoud Rui but Mizuki and Akiro firce him to go out so they can help the less fortunate villages by giving them food and water and stuff and while they're handing out food Tsukasa goes intk the forest to take a break and finds Rui again, and they (reluctantly on Tsukasams saide) talj for a bit so the next day Tsukasa decides to visit Rui again so while he's out hoing on missions (coughcoughkilkingleiplecoughcough) or handing out food he takes some time tk visit Rui but eventually things start getting worse.

So Rui gave him a plant righr? He gave him a little seed but he never told him what flower it was and offered that Tsukasa grew it in his room so that's what he did. And he was genuinely kind of excited for it because it was like a metaphor between both Tsukasa and the plant finding out who they really were and what they wanted ykykyk growing as a person as a character as a plant but one day the plant goes MISSING!!

The KING TOOK THE PLANT FROM HIM. 😡😡😡 BOOOO KING BOOOOOO!!! BOOOOOO!!!

So now Tsujasa is really sad. And from there things start to get worse and worse for him, the king even forids him from going outside other than to compleye missions and one day when the king takes away another thing from Tsukasa he just snaps and he tries to khs AGAIN and Rui saves him again and in this scene theres a litrlw refernce sumbolism moment cause when Tsukas is sobbing shitting crying his magic kinda just spwels out of control and he starts unconsciously growing mushrooms on his head and arpund them

Now I'm on a time crunch here. So basically im just gonna make a list of everything that happens after

-Tsukasa is gone flr another week cause he foesnt wanna go back

-Miku finds oht ab rui and tsukasa and is just ok with it

-Mizuki finds him, now they know about it too and the four of them are a little group trying to fidn a way out of all this

-AKITO finds out now you have a full card set!

-The king drugs tsukasa even stronger this time and he trjss to kill rui but then passes out

-They create a plan to get rid of both the king and Toya because turns out toya is just as bad as the king now because why are you burning down innocent villages so you can kill the king

-Theres a whole flashback scene and Tsukasa gains rhe power of acceptance (scott-pilgrim style)

-During a festival to commemorate the anniversary of the kingdom, the king makes a public announcement and the white knights + minori + the rest of the otori fam are to be at his side

-KAITO tries to assassinate the king and misses caus ehe's a bit of a dumbass

-The king gets mad at Tsukasa for 'not protecting him'

-Tsukasa snaps and kills the king in front of everyone

-Toya jumps in and tries to take the crown

-Miku and Rui come in and just go "FUCK YOU TOYA. STUPID ASS BITCH"

-Tsukasa kills Toya

-REVOLUTION!! No more monarchy, they're making a democracy

And after this Tsukasa decides to quit being a knight so he and Rui decide to travel around the continent together to visit other kingdoms

and thats the end :3

I KNOW I EXPLAINED IT HORRIBLY LMAO I WAS ON A TIME CRUNCH I DONT WANT MY MCDONALDS TO GET COLD BUT I HAVE PRIPRTIES ALSO FOR FUN TAKE A LITTLE SNIPPET:

It didn’t matter if the bullet missed. The king was dying, he was dying today.

There was a buzzing, an irritating ring in his ear as the king yelled at him. He couldn't hear properly, his words were muddled and distorted as if he was underwater.

He couldn't care. He didn't care. He didn't fucking care, because all that ran through his mind was-

"..Shut up."

The king paused. "Excuse me?"

"I said, SHUT THE FUCK UP-!!!"

And like the strings of a puppet, a marionette breaking apart, Tsukasa snapped.

Tsukasa pulled away from the king, teeth gritted as he for his sword.

His ears were ringing and his mind was foggy, his actions didn’t feel like his own. All the pain, all the rage, every feeling he’d pushed deep down was coming out.

“I am SICK of the SCREAMING, the YELLING, every punishment for every failure that wasn’t MY FAULT! I am not your doll, I am not punching bag, and I am NOT your fucking KNIGHT-!”

“Tenma-“

“SHUT UP!”

He felt his sword collide with flesh.

Again.

And again.

And again.

“Shut up. Shut up! Shut up, SHUT UP—!!”

He wasn't thinking.

He wasn't thinking at all, he wasn't feeling.

He didn't feel anything as the blood pooled out onto the ground, he didn't feel anything as the blood splattered onto his face, his clothes, his sword.

He could only do it again.

In and out, his sword plunging deep into the king's stomach, then out again, and the vicious cycle continued. His body fell to the floor, an agonizing screech reverberating throughout the entire kingdom.

He did not care.

Tsukasa kneeled over his body, stabbing and stabbing and stabbing the king again and again.

The king who caused him pain.

The king who caused him suffering.

The king who was the reason for every single moment of torture he received.

The king who was the reason for wanting to die, to die and kill himself so fucking badly over a single mistake.

The king who manipulated him.

The king who turned him into a puppet, a doll to toy with and break apart at the seams.

The king who forced him to blindly follow his orders without question.

The king who drugged him.

Who abused him.

Who tortured him.

Who did everything that caused this.

"I hate you," Tsukasa breathed out.

And then he screamed.

"I FUCKING HATE YOU!!!!!!!"

:3

Let's play a game someone tell me your au ideas or talk about ur ocs or anything else u want, just take a long time writing this out and ill be drawing while waiting for u to finish it and this will keep me on track and I'll be able to focus bc I have smth to wait for and can draw but have to keep track of so can't be distracted by other things

[jeongjaebae]

the fact u actually planned out a sequel OH MY GOD AND THE BOUQUETS ARE A HIMT FOR WHATS TO COME???? HELLO?????? MAN HOW COULD I GET EVEN SADDER i better be like the first person you inform if you ever decide to write/post it

AND YES I SEE TYAT TOO i think i only have one enemies to lovers with hyunjae but otherwise ive always seen him as the caring older brother figure (even in kidult where he's...six) JUST PLAYFUL ALL SMILES he very much suits all angst i dont think i can really pin him towards one trope...BUT I MEAN HEY MCD- no okay but ive seen a shit ton of sunwoo with enemies to lovers, eric too, TBH ALL OF TBZ id gladly punch Any of them with my fists anyday. even jacob. always jacob. no that's a lie i love him WAIT NOW IMAGINE ENEMIES TO LOVERS WITH JACOB................LIKE THE JACOB BAE okay omg i need to stop

ALSO REGARDING HOLDING ON yes he, kevin, and jacob make an appearance in holding on. a little hint for jacobs character but as y/n's friend, he tries to hold back any information about younghoon. basically y/n throughout the story is trying to remember who this mf is and jacob is like yEah idk what ur talkinh abt YK?

listen its so funny ive never had this bias problem with ANY OTHER GROUPS maybe nct dream where i switched biases every week but if you had to guess who my bias is in tbz, you literally couldn't. not even my sisters and my closest friends could pinpoint a member with me because i literally switch up on them so very often, I DO HAVE A NECKLACE OF SANGYEON AND A TEDDY BEAR with his voice but i was hak biased at the time i decided to have both of those things? and i got erics voice in superstartbz WHICH I HIGHLYYYYYY DONT RECOMMEND THIS MF SAYS OH NOOOOO EVERYTIME U MISS IM TEMPTED TO BUY ANOTHER MEMBERS VOICE BC OF HOW ANNOYING IT IS i saw this all jokingly and lighthearted bc eric is really cute but Why did i do this to myself. wait okay i wanna rant about tbz so ill do that in another ask since this one is getting too long

LOL it's kinda funny bc my sequel is a bit like what you commented on a fic reblog? bc juyeon owns the flower shop where those flowers were from, and y/n visits when she gets flowers for hyunjae's grave. oh but juyeon's married. you can probably imagine the rest (or maybe not, there are twists hehe). i guess it's not sad in a tear jerking way but more like... an empty or bittersweet way :')

ahh hyunjae does fit as the caring older brother figure!! i saw the clips of him on that "we became a family" show and he's so caring towards kanghoon (?) and the other kids!! but omg enemies to lovers with jacob... that could be interesting 👀 i never really thought of juyeon in that trope either but stereotype sets it up pretty well (although i feel bad for him esp with how this first part ended 😭)

omg. you're gonna hurt jacob too. jacob... holding back how sad he feels watching what y/n is going through..... jacob crying when y/n breaks down in his arms after finding out the truth. jacob.... also being tormented by his ghost of a friend. vae ur gonna hurt a lot of people here 😭😭😭

oooh a necklace and a teddy bear omg that sounds so cute???! but yeah they're a pretty well rounded group so there's def something to like about each member, and the fact that you see that is such a positive outlook tbh 🥺 but GIRL 500 DIAMONDS THO?!?!!!? i saw that and immediately tapped out of it LMAOOO. it sounds cute but distracting at the same time like how do you stand having eric's voice telling you oH NO DID SOMEONE MISS A BEAT??? OH NO DID YOU JUST FAIL??? i guess it'd be so funny too LOOL but i have like 5 diamonds and maybe 100 rp i'm hella broke ok 😭😭 lmk if you ever manage to three star out of control HAHA