#but I'm kind of terrified of making people extremely uncomfortable

[khaire-traveler]

Hey, y'all, I'm going through a crisis right now, so I may not be as active as usual. I apologize in advance for any asks left unanswered for a while. Unfortunately, I just can't handle, well, much of anything right now. I'm sorry.

[genderkoolaid]

idk if you're the best person to ask but you always seem to have great resources for all kinds of shit so I'm just shooting my shot I guess

tw: healthcare stuff?

I just got invited for my first cervical screening, and I am 100% legitimately terrified. I do not want to go. I know I should, I know its in my best interest, I know I'll probably have to anyway before my hysto that I've been referred for, but I am just. so scared

maybe it's just immense dysphoria. maybe it's fear over the state of trans healthcare lately. but the last time I went to my local hospital for anything, I got ferried straight to the women's services and was repeatedly misgendered to the point I disassociated the whole time. this was pre top surgery, but I was still out and no one even tried to address me correctly

I seriously don't know if I'll be able to go and I'm wondering if you or your followers have got any resources or advice I could use. anything would be so appreciated

I completely get being terrified, especially if you are going back to a place where you've already experienced transphobic mistreatment.

First of all, know your rights as a patient. The AMA has a list here. You may also want to check out the medical guidelines on trans gynecological care, and this Scarleteen article which goes into detail on pelvic exams, what to expect and your options.

You have the option to do the swab yourself. I would suggest calling or emailing your hospital, explaining that you are uncomfortable with a pelvic exam and asking about self-collection.

This article goes over medical self-advocacy tips for queer people. I definitely recommend asking someone you trust to accompany you to the screening, and/or to see if your hospital has patient liaison to help you advocate for yourself. Having someone to back you up, especially when you yourself will be in a vulnerable position, is extremely helpful. If there are any LGBT organizations local to you, you may want to contact them and ask if they have any resources or support that might help you. You can use the LGBTQ+ Healthcare Directory to find affirming healthcare providers near you (in the US and Canada). You can also check out this short list of words and phrases to use in an appointment that help you assert yourself and get what you need from your medical provider.

Assuming you end up making an appointment, you should practice ways of staying calm (breathing, affirmations, stim toys, etc.) and go over phrases you can use to advocate for yourself beforehand. Be compassionate with yourself and let yourself feel how you feel- and don't be afraid to feel angry if you are mistreated. It isn't right and you don't deserve it. If you can, plan something nice to do after the appointment to reward yourself. You should also educate yourself on reproductive health and keep track of things like discharge, vaginal pain, pain while urinating, etc., especially if you don't end up getting a screening.

[jinxpologist]

okay im feeling so fucking emotional about having this weird ass disorder so everyone is gonna have to deal with me talking about it. what they don't tell u about misophonia is how fucking lonely it is to have it. even with just the one trigger, i have it at the extreme, and it means i can't eat with other people at all. if i'm forced to, i have to block out all noise and be viscerally uncomfortable. even without being able to hear it, i know it's there, and it fucking ruins me.

people talk about the love that's present in eating with people, in sharing a meal. i don't feel that love. i wish i could feel that love. all i am is afraid. in public spaces, i'm terrified that someone will start chewing something and i'll get triggered. in class, i had to sit there and sob quietly to myself, digging my nails into my arms to stop from screaming. "cool" teachers who let students eat in class became teachers i despised.

when i say it's bad, i mean it's bad. at my worst, if forced to listen for more than a minute, i will quickly go to level 10 on this scale. it's horrifying! it's awful! at times i've wished i couldn't hear at all!!

and like... so few people talk about us. so few people care about us. i'm in so much pain and i'm so lonely because all people want to do is eat with other people and that is the one thing i can't do!!! and at best people have never heard of it, but at worst they try to purposefully trigger me (which is a quick way to make sure i never trust you again. it's one of the worst kinds of betrayal for me).

this is a big part of my life that is literally disabling and i get so tired of people not understanding or not caring or not even remembering and triggering me anyway. it's exhausting. i can't even blame them most of the time, because of how weird of a trigger it is, but it weighs on you after the tenth time someone accidentally triggers you and you've had to remind them over and over and over again.

if you have misophonia, i want you to know i love you and i'm here for you. we're in this shit together. this condition can literally kill people, or make us wish we were dead, and we deserve so much better than that. we will survive, we will be okay, and we will find people who care, even if it's each other.

[egglygreg]

Yet another inexplicably vivid YA dream with an almost coherent narrative structure:

A warm Northern Kingdom, constantly at odds with the cold Southern Kingdom. Both places have extremely advanced technology but it's very old and they don't necessarily know how to use/fix/make more of it.

There have been recent battles over ancient tech, the north has been targeted by the south.

Our POV character is the Northern Princess, a young woman with golden red hair and deep red eyes.

The princess, desperate to get out of the castle and go riding, takes her horse and sneaks out of the secret gate in the gardens behind the palace.

While out riding, she is captured by southerners. They take her back to their city in the icefields, which the northerners have been unable to find for many long years.

The place they take her to is a mechanical structure her people had managed to locate, but had dismissed as just a strange ruin of ancient defunct technology.

Her captors lead her onto it, and the machine activates and begins to shift. Strange walls of energy spring up, which the southerners walk her through. The colour of the energy changes from blue to red, and a loud mechanical voice announces "royal blood recognised."

Her captors seem taken aback for a moment, before they walk her forward to a strange box in the middle of the mechanism. One young man, who has been quite kind to her despite being a kidnapper, steps into it with her, and then suddenly and very quickly they drop

down

down

down

under the ice and through the water, in the small glass-like box.

The Princess becomes terrified and panicked, crying and shaking and absolutely petrified. In her panic she starts lashing out and hitting the walls, desperate to get back to the surface. Her captor tries to calm her down, gripping her upper arms and pulling her back against himself, while speaking gently and kindly to her despite his own confusion over her reaction.

(For him and all his people this was a perfectly normal trip, but she had never experienced anything like a deep sea elevator before).

The box brings them into the centre of a large and fairly busy town square. She is the first northerner in memory to set foot in the southern city, an enormous structure hidden beneath the icy ocean.

It was much colder in the city than she was used to.

She is taken through the streets and into an impressive and strange room. She and her captor stand before a throne, and on it sits the southern king, a middle aged man with brown hair and a very stern and harrowed expression. He asks the young man who the girl is, and seems somehow both pleased and very stressed to hear she is the princess of the North.

While she is technically a prisoner, she is given mostly free reign to wander the city. A young woman is assigned as her guide/guard, though the young man who first brought her down to the city comes around quite often to check in on her.

She feels so cold in this strange place that she takes to wearing a blanket over her shoulders, and one of her favourite places to go is near the city's great engines where the heat is highest. Most of the southerners find the place uncomfortably hot and avoid it.

(Unfortunately story-wise that's all I've got, because that's when I woke up. For me though it was a relief, because being deep underwater in a submerged vessel is literally one of my worst nightmares and I'm also pretty claustrophobic, so that's the reason the princess lost her mind in the deep sea elevator. I was seeing from her pov at the time and I was legit terrified 😅 Even the handsome love interest didn't help)

[daytaker]

Satan Headcanons

cw: some self-harming tendencies

Some of these are actually anti-canons. I don't know if that's a phrase I've heard before or one that I just invented but I'm going to call things that explicitly oppose the canon because I think they make more sense or fit better "anti-canons".

General Headcanons

Satan doesn't try new things if he doesn't think he'll be good at them from the very beginning. He hates appearing weak or ridiculous, so he tends to absorb as much information about something as he can before ever attempting it, and even then he only acts if having that information is practically useful. As a consequence, he has never played a Sport.

Satan is Lucifer's favorite brother.

He would unironically like Linkin Park.

He can't stop thinking about cats. He can't stop talking about cats. He needs cat rehab. He can't even stop going on about cats long enough to sing us a serious and emotional love song without mentioning cats. Cats are a problem.

He and Levi share cursed memes.

Satan writes poetry sometimes.

Asmo treats him as both a big brother and a little brother.

He can play the piano because Lucifer can play the piano, but he won't do it.

Baby Satan (By Which I Mean Newly Made Satan)

When Satan is very "new", his connection to Lucifer is stronger to the extent that he can more or less gauge what Lucifer is thinking at any given time. He just instinctively knows. This wears off as time goes on and he develops a more distinct sense of self, and there's more time separating him and his creation, but at first, he can track Lucifer's thoughts so well that Lucifer is extremely uncomfortable with it. He'll be sitting there at dinner while everyone else is talking about screaming tomatoes and how terrifying Devildom produce is in general, and Lucifer is trying to figure out what to do about Diavolo and his weird enthusiasm for that demon that just woke up in the middle of the new school, wondering why they're suddenly a founding member of RAD, and Satan turns to him and says, "Lord Diavolo seems to like collecting strange demons with questionable loyalties and making them into his personal entourage. Also, fuck you."

Sensory

He has a lot of sensory difficulties, and the next few headcanons below are offshoots of this one. But basically... have you ever been in a blind rage and felt something touch you gently? Maybe this is just me, but that somehow makes everything worse. Basically, I'm picturing boy fresh from the metaphorical womb, an uncontrollable ball of fury, and SOFT stuff GENTLY touches him? On his BODY? What the ACTUAL FUCK?

His antidote to this discomfort is to have something rough and painful touch the spot that was affected, and this leads to a lot of scabs and sores. They're worst on his back and shoulders. This was a source of stress and conflict for him and Lucifer early on.

He hates clothes. Especially loose-fitting clothes, because of how they sit on his body. He refused to wear clothes at all for the first couple weeks he existed. He'd just roll around and tear them up with his tail. He often finds clothes uncomfortable enough to be considered painful, though that's not exactly what's happening.

He hates to get wet. I know, I know. Very "cat". Pretty basic. But being wet is uncomfortable. And kind of humiliating. And if you so much as smile at him when he's wet, he will interpret that as mockery and absolutely go the fuck off.

So baths and showers are tricky. Why the actual fuck would he subject himself to something like that? Just so other people don't have to smell him? Do they have any idea how little he cares about their disgust? He's born of wrath and shame* and hate! He eats disgust for breakfast.

*As the Avatar of Pride, Lucifer can no longer experience Pride's antithesis (shame) so when Satan was made, he ended up taking his shame as a little present. That's one reason why he hates Lucifer: he knows why Lucifer hates himself, even though Lucifer doesn't anymore.

[mischievouslittlecreature]

I've written and rewritten this post so many times, and I've debated even posting it at all.

And before we begin: I am not trying to make anyone feel bad, or place blame on anyone. I understand that many of you were manipulated or worse. But this is part of how this jackass and his behavior affected me, so I want to talk about it.

The first time I looked at his blog, it was after the wonderful @shelbydelrey messaged me to warn me that there was a new person in the fandom actively attacking Grace fans. Because I write many Tommy x Grace x OC-centric fics, I was concerned, so I took a peak at his blog to see what was going on.

And I have to say, I have never felt so unwelcome in (at least a part) of a fandom in my life.

Something I haven't seen discussed a ton is just the blatant bullying and misogyny that this man publicly displayed. Post after post of him attacking Grace fans, picking fights, laughing at them, shaming them, hurling insults at them...He'd go out of his way to find content featuring Grace and comment hate on them, and then laugh about it with his followers. And this misogyny wasn't exclusive to Grace, but seemed to spread to other women as well, just based on some of the non-Grace related posts I also saw that he made.

Now, I actually don't give a shit whether people like Grace or not. I personally have a soft spot for her, but I don't expect other people to share in my feelings, and I respect their opinions. Most of the time, if I see a post hating on her, I just keep scrolling.

But this...this really got to me. It was so disheartening to see someone behave in what-- at least to me--was such a blatantly and obviously misogynistic way while being cheered and egged on by a significant part of the fandom. It made me feel so uncomfortable and unwelcome. And considering his popularity and how so many people seemed to see no problem with his behavior, it made me question if I was even welcome in this fandom at all, and several times I considered deleting my blog and my fics and leaving entirely.

I'm not going to lie; it broke my view of this fandom a little bit. I can't begin to describe how saddening it was to see that this behavior was not only accepted, but actively enabled and seemingly practiced by so many. Obviously now I know that there were far more complicated things going on behind the curtain, but at the time, that's what it appeared to me: that an extremely large part of the fandom saw nothing wrong with speaking about women--real or fictional--in horrifically offensive and demeaning ways, and openly bullying those who did not share their views on certain characters/parts of canon.

I became paranoid, even after blocking him, that he or one of his followers would find my blog, and I would be the next target of a barrage of hate and harassment. So I blocked most people I saw associating with him (I've unblocked most of you now). Because it felt like that only way to protect myself. Not only did I not want to ever be associated with the kind of behavior he displayed on his blog, but I also was terrified of getting dogpiled onto by his followers, even for the simple act of having blocked him. I was literally convinced that if my blog was noticed by him or anyone closely associated with him, I would get run out of the fandom. So I chose to remain in my own little bubble of mutuals who I trust, and did not make any significant efforts to reach out to or connect with new people.

Again, this is not me trying to call anyone out except for him. I know many of you--or at least, I hope many of you--did not intend to enable a misogynist monster or a bully. And ultimately he was the one who created this hostile environment, and it is very possible, knowing now that he has a habit of making alternative accounts, that many of his "followers" who showed support for his behavior may have just been him on other accounts, or sending himself asks via anon.

I don't really have a specific point to this post. I just wanted to share these feelings somewhere, I suppose. I hate this man for what he has done to so many of you and this entire community. And for how he made me feel so frightened and unwelcome by huge parts of this fandom.

[crstormzy]

castiel headcannons | my candy love

ok so i have this really annoying habit of inviting fictional characters to live in my head rent free for god knows how long. specially when they are assholes. specially when they're the type of assholes i'm really fond of. specially when they're castiel veilmont.

i also have the even more annoying habit of making extremes out of these characters in my head, but oh well... it be like that sometimes.

anyways, it's 3am where i live and i cannot sleep so here's some of the extremes i've taken castiel to during the last few years i've been obsessed with him:

so, first things first, my man is a genius. i'm not talking the einstein kinda genius, but more of a mozart or michelangelo or something like that. he likes art and he understands it and he is so good at it. like, otherworldly good.

he has an awesome vocal range, but he can rock the higher register. and he can also rock the growls so that makes for an interesting combination.

i don't care what others say, i just know castiel can cook. and i'm not talking instant noodles or frozen pizza either, i'm telling you my man can cook. call it perks of living almost alone from a young age, but he is a really great chef (and a really great lover, so be ready for a lot of breakfast treats if you're dating him).

although he is a singer (and a pretty good one at that), castiel just loves bad karaoke nights. like, all out awful singing: out of rhythm, out of breath, out of tune. he's paid to be a good singer all other nights of the year, so he definitely seizes the opportunity to just be a shitty one for a while.

songwriter is coded into his dna. like, waking in the middle of the night, genius ideas, music out of everything type of songwriter. dude writes like he's running out of time.

his lyrics are so deep, always with beautiful metaphors and the kind of thing that just guts you every. fucking. time.

or they're just vulgar nonsense. there's literally no in between.

can sleep anywhere. tour bus? yeah, sleeping. library table? long gone. the most uncomfortable chair in existence? catch him going. his bed, though? forget it. after midnight his brain simply starts running a mile a minute.

not. a. morning. person.

no, seriously. he hates mornings with a passion, specially during hsl. probably because he's always going to sleep horribly late, but he hates having to wake early for anything at all. the only exception is if he's really really really excited about something.

he can hold his liquor, but he hardly ever drinks enough for it to be necessary because he doesn't like the idea of losing control of himself.

stopped smoking somewhere after high school. he was never really dependant on nicotine and after a while (specially after crowstorm) he just stopped altogether. the sensation was nice and all, but kinda of not worth it anymore.

was bullied into becoming crowstorm's vocalist.

also hates instagram with a passion. shows up once every three months, posts a single story (after his manager grilled him for weeks to make any appearance at all) and promptly vanishes again.

would get rid of his phone if he could but, since he can't, he just isn't much of a user.

castiel please stop telling paparazzi to fuck off please for the love of god the press team is begging you stop trying to rip their cameras out of their hands please please

can be very polite and well mannered when he wants to (but he never does)

my boy is a charmer. like, literally everyone falls for him. and then he opens his mouth and just manages to be the biggest asshole ever.

(he claims it's also part of his charm)

lots of people speculate about how many plastic surgeries he's had. partly because he's very pretty, but mainly because of the nose and the eyes. no one believes his nose wasn't bought, and lots of people think he wears contacts.

(in truth he is terrified of plastic surgery, but, ironically, if he wasn't his nose would probably be top of the list of things he would wanna change)

anyways i could spend literal days talking with how much time i've spent with him inside this silly little brain of mine. these are some of the headcannons i could think of on spot but god knows i have so many more...

[tsunael]

22 20 Dawntrail Inspired Questions

I decided to answer these on my own because I didn't want to rely on other people to send them lol. Thank you to those who did!

Obvious Dawntrail spoilers below:

1. Why did they agree to accompany Wuk Lamat to Tural?

I think she was kind of aimless. I'm unsure if she had any hand in the Myths of The Realm quests, or the patch quests canonically since she had just recovered from a long stint in the hospital, and a technical break-up. So, with the Scions disbanded, and the Rising Stones empty, I think she became disillusioned with her life. I think Shadowbringers and Endwalker back-to-back was also extremely difficult for her. Besides that, most-- if not all-- of the issues that come up during MSQ can be solved by Y'shtola and the others. I want to say they called on her for the Aetherfont and to go to The First (out of necessity), but that's about it. Obviously its inevitable that she get dragged into some plot against her will since that's kind of her theme. Anyway. Aimless, as I said. I think G'raha had a large part in her undertaking it, if only to see new sights and to find herself again in knowing she was lost. His words before her departure stuck with her.

2. What was the first thing they did when they arrived in Tuliyollal?

The beach! She's always loved the sea and how it reminds her of home. I think Alisaie would have urged her to go (teasingly) because she'd grown so pale. So, maybe a bit of sun bathing... she is a Raen, after all.

3. What was their initial impression of the four claimants? How did this change over the course of the story?

Unpleasant. Koana's reliance on technology immediately earned her mistrust, as well as his lack of heart. She'd known far too many men just like him. Zoraal Ja and Bakool Ja Ja were just simply terrifying at first. Mamool Ja are not native to the East and known for being sellswords in Eorzea, on top of being very imposing and unfriendly. Wuk Lamat... was Wuk Lamat. There was a good heart to make up for her lack of brains. I don't believe much changed over the course, though her stance on Koana and Wuk Lamat softens, she would have doubts about their leadership considering they're so young-- but it ultimately is not her concern. Triumphing over an adversary does not make a world leader, and they no longer have their father for guidance.

4. What is their impression of Gulool Ja Ja? Do they agree with his method of cultivating leadership?

Terrifying at first, until she spoke at length with him. Despite appearances, she couldn't deny that he was a good man who had genuine love for his people. His way of cultivating leadership had merit, though she wondered how his children were so far removed from their people to begin with that they had to learn it in such a difficult way. Oddly, it made her miss her own father-- they both showed their love in twisted ways.

5. How do they feel about Wuk Lamat looking up to them as a mentor figure? Did this attitude change as the story progressed?

Uncomfortable, and that did not change. It's undue pressure, and she doesn't feel worthy when the Scions have done just as much, if not more for the star. Besides that, Tsuna's never liked her title, nor the boon that it gives her when those around her find out who she is. People tend to look at her differently. The title, 'Warrior of Light' has always been disingenuous, she thinks, as she wasn't even present at Carteneau. She's only ever wanted to just be herself.

6. How did they feel about competing against Thancred and Urianger?

Haha. Well. It wouldn't be the first time Urianger had betrayed them, so for him to turn tail yet again wasn't news. However... Since before even their reunion at the Aetherfont, Thancred had started to become closed off to her. For the two of them to show their faces, and pledge their allegiance to another without so much as a word only added to the perceived offense. Thancred also dropped a ceiling on her head, so... A part of her was waiting for the moment where they might talk at length about their relationship, what went wrong, etc... but as the workaholic he is (or in purposefully avoiding her) he ensured she never got the chance. Her anger only plateaued, though it was never about them offering their services to another.

7. Were they happy with the outcome of the rite of succession?

She would have liked no better outcome. Wuk Lamat and Koana complete each other, that much was plain.

8. Why did they want to explore Xak Tural? Were they happy to have Erenville along as a guide or would they have preferred to explore on their own?

I think she left because she needed time for herself, as she was scarcely idle for the entire trip. There were many feelings she needed to sort out still, and after the succession ceremony she was left feeling strangely devoid. Erenville, however, was a welcome companion. He doesn't speak often, which afforded her some much-needed peace, and when he did it was always with purpose. Being a gleaner and native of the land both, she held his knowledge in the highest regard.

9. What was going through their mind when the dome dropped?

Thal's gilded... halls.

10. What were their first impressions of the Alexandrians?

11. What was their initial impression of Sphene? How did this change as the story progressed?

Here.

12. What was their opinion of the culture of recycling souls and the use of regulators? Did this change as the story progressed?

Wrong on all accounts, and her feelings did not change. Solution 9 was a city of vice and excess to her, and to use people's souls as a handicap, currency, and a commodity went wholly against the natural world as she knew it. They were so far removed from the land and what made them human that they had forgotten the sanctity of life-- she would hesitate to consider that 'culture'. A part of her understood it, even if she was against it. Deep down, who doesn't want to live a carefree life, free of pain?

13. What was their initial impression of Cahciua?

Uncomfortable, considering she was a strange, floating... device. Moreso she found her annoyingly forward, yet managing to be cagey. Keeping key information locked away, yet asking the world of them only made things more difficult.

14. How did they feel about the Endless?

The dead should be allowed to rest, but she would not be the one to send them off. Her thoughts went to dear Haurchefant, and the endless purgatory she unwittingly sent him to.

15. What was their experience like in Living Memory?

Bad. A strange town full of contraptions made for the amusement of the living, yet she was surrounded by ghosts. It reminded her of Amarout-- positively soul-crushing. Then, she had to bear witness to her friends saying their goodbyes to their parents... it only made her miss her own that much more.

16. What are their thoughts about the Key?

A cursed object that should not exist, and one that she would rather not have in her possession. But, if it truly can open the door to other shards, then she would do anything in her power to reunite her friends with their loved ones on The First before it's too late. Alternatively, If its connection to Azem is real, and is something WoL can perceive, then she might feel more positively about it.

17. The theme of family and legacy is repeated throughout Dawntrail—did this theme resonate with your character? Were there specific moments relating to family that impacted them?

Here.

18. What important relationships changed or developed throughout Dawntrail?

Her anger and hurt towards Thancred has regressed to their Heavensward levels... Add in a healthy dose of longing and lovesickness for a recipe for disaster. Her relationship with G'raha has only strengthened. He had ever been kind to her, and it was by his words that she went on her journey to Tural in the first place. It only took her to be at her lowest for her to finally notice him. Erenville became an unexpected friend. He softened up by the end of their journey, though isn't someone she would seek out for companionship. Wuk Lamat sees her as a big sister, and in her, Tsuna has found someone she can rely on. Same with Alisaie, their bond stayed relatively the same, however, they spent much of their time together.

19. What was their favorite location in Tural?

Kozama'uka. The carved out caves with bioluminescent mosses and fireflies were breathtaking, and their many waterways and dense forests reminded her of home. Though in the lower areas, the air was extremely humid without much sun to dry her scales in.

20. Do they lean more Tuliyollal or more Solution Nine?

Tuliyollal. She would take a port-city that is full of flora and fauna over a place devoid entirely of heart. She's also still very upset about the soylent.

21. If they had to summarize their journey in Tural, what would they say?

A decent vacation-turned-terrible that left her more tired than when she first set off. The storm that nearly killed the lot of them should have been taken as a sign. If Nymeia wanted her dead, she ought to not miss next time.

22. What are they doing now?

SHE'S LEISURING, BITCH. leave her alone.

[zeebreezin]

Introduction • Updated 06/05/24

Hello hello, this is Astra! Welcome to my Fallen London side blog, I’m still somewhat new to the game but I’ve played a good bit of Sunless Seas and am always down to learn more about the world. This blog is heavily focused towards OCs, both mine and others, as well as my liveblog of my playthrough! According to some I’ve become the Sequencer Guy (™), which is a title I'm more than willing to bear. I’m working through a Nemesis route character as we speak and have just started a Light Fingers PC! Shaw’s (Nemesis) playthrough can be found at #low level liveblog, and B’s (Light Fingers) is at #b’s bizarre adventure.

If you ever have questions about my characters or want to interact, shoot me an ask or DM! I love talking and I love hearing about other people’s creations, but I have a pretty bad memory for conversations & replies!!

I’m a writer and digital painter, and am much more comfortable with more atmospheric / background work compared to portraiture & drawing people in general, but I’ve been trying to branch out. I also tend to make jokes that can lean in dirty directions, but I won’t be reblogging any IRL NSFW. There might be discussions of kink & sexual topics, but I’ll keep those tagged under #suggestive and they shouldn’t be too frequent. I’m also chronically bad at tagging spoilers or triggers, so please let me know if you need anything I will do my best.

One last important note here - like I mentioned before, I have a lot of characters involved with the New Sequence & the Dawn Machine, and I do my best to portray semi-realistic elements of how cults function & can impact people in them. If you are at all uncomfortable with those kinds themes of religious abuse, please please please feel free to blacklist those character & relationship tags!! I will not judge you whatsoever, Stay safe!

With all that said, Character stuff under the cut! Hope you have a great day today!

Ambition Characters:

The Black Rook | The Long-Suffering Linguist - August Shaw

He/They - Mid 40s - Nemesis! - Philology Professor & Midnighter - Watchful | Dangerous

Account: AugustShaw

A professor of Philology by trade, Shaw is a prickly character who has a mildly extreme obsession with the various languages of the Neath, a fascination that’s gotten them into a good deal of trouble… and left them with a few strange quirks. He's driven by the need to get revenge after his daughter’s death, and puts on a face of absolute pragmatism to do it. Desperate to give back to those on the surface he left behind, Shaw’s fallen in with the Great Game, becoming a spymaster for Black and working to uplift the marginalized from below… a trade he’s gotten a terrifying reputation for. Unscrupulous at the best of times, he is damn good at his job, when he’s not chasing a bit of escapism by any means necessary. While they’re seemingly a grumpy bastard, Shaw does have a big heart and a surprisingly bold sense of humour.

The Reckless Playwright - ‘B’

Any/They - Mid 20s - Light Fingers - Actor/Playwright - Persuasive | Shadowy

Account: BThePlaywright

B is an aspiring playwright and actor with their head in the non-existent clouds and a spring in their step. She always seems to be getting into a little bit of trouble, before charming his way out of it with a smile and a wide eyed look. Everything about their past is a bit of a mystery, though it can’t be denied that they have a good heart. While searching for cheap lodgings in London, B ended up with the (mis)fortune of becoming Shaw’s housemate and eventual investigative assistant. Their endless optimism hides a great deal of past horrors, as does their suitcase. They’re absolutely not wanted by the Navy for treason, either. Don't know why I had to specify that.

The Pragmatic Headhunter - Vivian Fitzpatrick

She/He/They - Bag a Legend - Bounty Hunter - Dangerous | Watchful

Shaw’s Ex-wife who came down to the Neath after he abandoned her and their still living son. After murdering her (now probably ex-) husband, Vivian developed a taste for the Neath. Both for the power they could achieve, and for the thrill of the hunt and battle. More than anything, he wants to prove herself to be more than the grieving mother the surface wanted her to be - by becoming something more feared than death itself. Harsh and openly hypocritical, Vivian’s on the fast track to becoming something terrible - but the question is, will she be able to bury the last of herself to do it?

Non-Ambition Characters:

The Ravenous Acumen - It/She - Killer for Hire / Killer for Hobby - Shadowy | Dangerous

A mysterious figure with a deeply warped body and equally warped sense of morality. After Acumen’s own hubris cost her everything, it devoted itself to killing arrogant or naive researchers that play with things they don’t understand. There’s far worse fates out there then death, after all. It speaks in riddles, lives for games, and has a bizarrely tender affection for anyone who gains her favor.

The Mournful Phantasm/The Chimeric Violinist - ‘Lenore Shaw’ - She/They - ??? - Persuasive | Dangerous

Once a dangerous Parabolan entity born from the thousands of false-selves created when mourners dream of lost loved ones, ‘Lenore’ found her way to reality entirely by accident, and truly believes she is Shaw and Vivian’s biological daughter. Gazing into the mirror glace that follows her reflects back the form of whoever or whatever you’ve lost that you miss most dearly. Not quite a reflection, but definitely not human, she currently resides in the Royal Beth, haunting its halls - though she may walk the streets soon enough.

The Phosphorescent Engineer - Officer Benedict Beverley - He/Him - Chief Engineer @ The Grand Geode - Watchful | Persuasive

The hot shot engineer and golden boy of the Grand Geode, Beverley is a sequencer who’s best known for his wonderful designs of prototype dawnlight explosives. Bastard. Deeply in denial. He’s desperate to test them out and bring the dawn to the population of London, but he’s even more desperate to recover his lost prototype… and find his missing partner. [Has a Sunless Skies verison - The Scintillating Harbinger!]

The Hell Scarred Surgeon - Dr. Laurence Frost - He/Him - Medical Officer & Interrogator @ The Grand Geode - Dangerous | Watchful

Veteran of the War on Hell in 68’ and currently a respected doctor & chemist within the New Sequence, Laurence is a deadpan bastard who loves his work. All of it. Known for having a relationship with Isobel & Vincent that led to him becoming Beverley’s legal guardian after their deaths, as well as having complicated feelings about the Grand Geode’s authority. As loyal as he is to the Sequence, he’s even more loyal to the Beverley family.

The Gregarious Commander - Commander Vincent Beverley - He/Him - Commander & Recruiter @ The Grand Geode - Persuasive | Dangerous

One of the New Sequence’s most prolific recruitment officers, Vincent was a conman looking to profit off the Admiralty in the years following London’s fall… but lost himself entirely in the process. Now he’s deeply in love with Isobel, the woman that ‘saved’ him, as well as his favorite doctor. He’s frighteningly good at charming souls into joining the Dawn Machine’s light, in order to ‘save’ them too. Charismatic, silly, & utterly empty inside. Died mysteriously when Beverley was young. [Dead as of FL canon!]

The Discreet Artificer - Isobel Beverley - She/Her - Former Engineer @ The Grand Geode - Watchful | Shadowy

A former engineer that helped build the Dawn Machine, Isobel lost the majority of her sight after venturing deep into the Machine’s heart to perform an emergency repair. The experience left her with even more of an undying love for the machine, and now with the aid of her husband Vincent as a figurehead, she’s been creating her own sect on the Grand Geode. A soft spoken woman with a knack for manipulation and collecting unwell spouses. Died mysteriously when Beverley was young. [Dead as of FL canon!]

Side Game PCs:

The Wide-Eyed Venturer - Doctor-Captain Everett Shaw-Fitzpatrick - SSkies PC - He/They - Captain of the Uncommon Denominator - Hearts | Mirrors

Shaw and Vivian’s son, who spent his teen years raised on stories of their adventures in the Neath. Now, he’s taken to the skies to make a story of his own, after a brief stint learning medicine in Vienna. He’s got all the smarts, but none of the cutthroat energy of his parents. What could go wrong?

Inactive Characters:

The Rake-In-Violant / The Malcontent Seamstress - Emile Rainier - He/She - Light Fingers - ‘Socialite’ / Thief - Shadowy | Persuasive

The Everdrowned Reaver - Captain Verily - Sunless Seas PC - She/They/It - Captain of the Double or Nothing - Irons | Hearts

Character Tags:

#August Shaw

#B

#Vivian Fitzpatrick

#The Ravenous Acumen

#Officer Beverley

#The Hell Scarred Surgeon

#The Gregarious Commander

#The Discreet Artificer

#Lenore Shaw

#Doctor Captain Everett

#The Rake In Violant

#Captain Verily

Character Relationship Tags:

August Shaw & B - #Detective duo

A depressed detective set on revenge and a lost playwright drunk on freedom take up lodgings together. A strangely charged and mildly codependent friendship.

August Shaw & The Manager of the Royal Bethlehem Hotel - #cuneiform curses

Yeah, it turns out being wracked with guilt and constantly going insane has some consequences! In Shaw’s case, the consequences are catching some complicated feelings for the hat man. Go figure.

August Shaw & Vivian Fitzpatrick - #(un)loveable hand

The bloodthirsty wife he abandoned and the self flagellating husband she swore to surpass. Extremely complicated divorced couple who’ve changed in more ways than one.

The Shaw-Fitzpatrick Family (August, Vivian, Lenore, Everett) - #in the blood

A family charged with sorrow, who all seem to have a tendency to wield their pain like knives. General tag for the family’s background, themes, and vibes.

August Shaw & The Ravenous Acumen - #worst laid plans

An endless game of cat and mouse - or at least, it should be, provided the killer can get her chosen opponent to survive what’s coming. Psychosexual mind games, and weirdly supportive ones at that.

B & Officer Benedict Beverley - #best and brightest

Two best friends, perfect partners, who build a maddening machine. One chose their own ambition over the other’s safety - but who’s who is up for debate. Neither is entirely happy with the outcome. Longing, Cults, and heartbreak, o my!

Laurence, Vincent, & Isobel - #photokeratitis

The almighty Sequencer Throuple. Forged in cult indoctrination and violently codependent tendencies, these three have a complicated but deeply loving relationship built on trust and communication. This is a bad thing.

Doctor-Captain Shaw-Fitzpatrick & Skies!Beverley - #horseshoes and hand grenades

The most dangerous Captain of Her Majesty’s fleet… and the traveler that just can’t help but ruin his day. Religiously. Wile E. Coyote and Roadrunner type shit until one of them gets feelings about it.

B & Emile Rainier - #red letter days

Vivian Fitzpatrick & Emile Rainier - #arsenic and old lace

[growling]

Top 10 favourite narcissist moments

parasocial hatred. we never talked and I'm not sure you know I exist but I fucking hate you and hope the worst happens to you

getting so pissed over actual talented people that get like 50+ notes minimum for every art and endless praise from their 100+ followers every damn day whining about how much their art sucks and nobody appreciates them or whatever. like shut the fuck up do you just not know how good you have it or are you just fishing for attention. nevermind i have already decided which one and i decided i want you boiled in a pot

not being able to have a normal one without a constant string of supply aka attention and praise from everyone. every time someone talks to me or compliments my epic art skillz or acknowledges me in any way I get such a high I feel like a literal god and feeling giddy nonstop for the whole day, then it fades i start to feel a bit too ignored these past 2 days and a half and i just feel so empty and terrible and my world is destroyed and i need to hurt something now- oh someone said im cool again nevermind i have been fixed the universe is beautiful my future is bright mentally healthy people want me carnally

having a really fucked relationship with the concept of "unconditional love" everything is conditional what are you talking about. and "love" in general, when i say i'm loveless, whether romantically or platonically, i mean it. that doesn't mean i cannot get attached to people or care about them in some other way, no i am not going to explain it in detail right now

there is zero point in talking to anyone else or getting into any relationships because none of these people could ever be on my level. their thinking is so shallow and stupid and they all behave so predictably and enjoy the most nonsensical of things and it's like everyone just gets something that i don't and they're inferior in every way but it feels like they are out for me specifically because I'm not like them and as soon as they find me out I will never be safe there. It's lonely and terrifying but yeah sure I'm the asshole apparently because I secretly feel superior or whatever. contrary to popular opinion being extremely self-centered is not a positive thing for the guy that has it

not caring about anything that doesn't concern me specifically in any way. it's all "support people with low empathy" until they can't ""make up"" for it with high sympathy or just trying harder or something. Everything bad that ever happens is here just for my entertainment or an annoyance. vents and crying and whatnot make me incredibly uncomfortable or annoyed and i mean i will try to listen (because i am a wonderful kind person) but i will have zero idea on how to respond because thorought the entirety of it i didn't really pay attention and just kinda thought "oh my god stfu i don't careeee when can i leave" while envisioning rain code amvs in my mind. unless you unlock my easter egg that is

only doing nice things for praise and making people love me or just to feel good for being such a great person, and getting incredibly dissapointed and sometimes really pissed whenever they're not grateful enough

wow society is a shitshow i don't respect literally any of you people. i should run away and live away from everybody forever but i need to acquire my riches and fame first which will not be hard whatsoever. the struggle never ends

just. lying all the time. and not being able to tell whether you actually like somebody or their attention.

not seeing other people as people (i know they are, it doesn't change that i still feel they aren't), having to slowly spend enough time talking with them and find out enough information on them in order to start seeing them as an actual person. if i don't know who you are then you just aren't that important in the great scheme of things. and if i do know you and get attached (and maybe you also happen to have traits that make you special and better than others almost like me which makes me like you even more) then I decide you're my person now. not in a weird or entitled way, it's just how many of us show protectiveness and whatnot thanks radiostaticsmile for putting that into words. I do feel a bit of an ownership over people I like, kinda like a cat or dog with their people. i'm really not escaping the kittycat allegations am i. god damn it.

[nitw]

hello tumblr user nitw

i am a person who enjoys the game night in the woods very much. i am also a person who experiences similar dissociation/derealization/delusions/unreality stuffs (idk what it is i'm not about to get diagnosed) that mae does, and the ending of the game always triggers those stuffs for a few days afterwards. (i still come back and play even though it gives me psychic damage because that game is so Fuckjng good)

so. my question is. will i be hurt by echo vn? i know there's horror (i think?) but idk what kind of horror, i wanna go into it as blind as possible, is there like? unreality horror? mental illness horror? i think i will play it anyway, i just wanna be warned. is there like a list of trigger warnings somewhere

HI HI HI i'm honored you chose to reach out to me about this !!

to put it simply: yes, the whole echo franchise IS horror at its core and a big amount of that horror DOES stem from themes of dissociation, hallucination, and loss of identity.

the only reason i can really handle echo myself is due to the lack of traditional jumpscares. nothing's gonna make a super loud noise while a scary face launches at you or anything like that! but the writing and execution of it all is still terrifying.

the main character of echo in particular, chase, was traumatized as a kid and has been prone to dissociating and hallucinating since. he also frequently gets sleep paralysis doubled with extremely intense nightmares. as the game plays out mainly from chase's point of view, these episodes are described in very explicit detail, and often the visuals and audio of the game will change in subtle ways to match what he's experiencing. most of what makes echo scary is how good it is at making you feel like you ARE in chase's shoes, even something like an awkward confrontation with his friends can be sooooo uncomfortable because of how well it's written.

some parts of the story also delve deep into gaslighting and feeling like you can't trust yourself, that could definitely also fuck with some people.

honestly, from what you told me, this might not be the right game for you!!! there's a lot of other things to be said about echo's horror and generally sensitive content, but i think the rest just boils down to your own tastes in horror, which is a whole different conversation. PLEASE keep these things in mind if you consider checking out the game!!!!

[struck-by-the-rain]

ok I'm gonna be mean to karate joe and make more shit up about him,,, I think he had a reputation as a kid (and into adulthood) for being super physically tough and scary because of his training/abilities and that ended up making shit harder for him (under cut bc long)

like the kids he lived near would be scared of Karate Joe Who Lives Down The Street And Only Does Karate and they're like "ohhh I heard he can hit rocks with his bare fists!" and maybe there's rumours about him beating up a kid super bad once. and maybe he did bc he didn't realise how strong he was, and the kid was being mean or he was overwhelmed or something but yeah he gets a Big Scary Reputation and that makes it hard for him to make friends. and maybe this bled into him growing up and becoming a semi-public figure and just being seen as this Big Scary Tough Guy.

I also saw a headcanon I liked (original post was from years ago and I don't think I'll ever see it again sadly) which said like. a hug from him would be way tighter/stronger than he intended bc he doesn't fully realise how strong he is (and also to me at least. maybe an autism thing)

and this all like resulted in him being just. super terrified of hurting anyone. like he's terrified he'll lose control of his emotions one day and hurt someone, even though his default response to being angry/upset is just to freeze or dissociate or repress it (which to me might partially be because of said fear of hurting anyone). like it's fine in tournaments BC they're like. fights I guess (I should probably read up about actual karate competitions for accuracy lmao but like. he'd be competing against someone who's fighting back and knows what they're doing).

but I said ages ago that nobody's really been gentle with him to me and just like. maybe he thinks he can't be gentle himself too? like he spent his life with this reputation for being a Scary Tough Guy and fighting people and his hands are all tough and calloused and scarred and it all just weighs down on him???? he's scared he's like an imposition and only able to hurt and be hurt?????

like he'd be terrified of hugging someone or holding their hand too hard or just like. making anyone uncomfortable in general. so on top of being extremely touch starved he just really really struggles with the concept that anyone would want physical affection from him... so it just makes it really really hard.... even worse is that he is naturally a v tactile person to me and wants to hold someone tightly and be held,,, and he's just kinda repressed that all away and convinced himself he's not that kind of person... he's not made for that. martial arts competitions and hugging his pillow to sleep are the closest he thinks he'll ever get

idk just projecting kinda because I'm tall and not exactly lanky and autistic and physically affectionate and have self esteem issues and I kinda feel like this,,, I've sat out of cuddle piles w friends because I don't wanna hurt anyone and don't see my presence there as wanted guhhhh but it's 10000000 times worse for him!!!!!!! and then Someone comes along and does want to be close and affectionate with him and Joe wants that tooooooo but it's so hard and he has to learn!!!! ughhhh !!! I'm insane!!!

[step-on-me-khun]

Because White's birthday is coming I got some wild idea!! 😳

what kind of one shot would happen if white was extremely rough with his s/o during their spicy time🔥 When s/o begged him to be gentler he ignored that thinking s/o could handle it & because he was too into it to the point which he couldn't pay attention to his monstrous pace until s/o actually fainted!!

Love you & your blog btw 💖 pls take your time and if this request by any sort made you uncomfortable feel free to delete it

thank you so much for the compliment ❤❤ I'm fine with this, and I'm combing two requests, I hope this is okay

warnings: smut, asphyxiation, no minors pls words: 3287 taglist: @unexceptional-h @rizonacigaravenue @aoi-turtle @minefujikochan [message to be added]

Was it worth it trying to impress White? There was no correct answer. He was intimidating, but you loved him, and if you wanted to make him happy, you'd do whatever was necessary to capture his attention.

Of course, it was his birthday, one of the few days you could be nervous and have a good reason for it.

White's sex drive wasn't high, but when he was needy, he'd let you know by being in your face or avoidant, which wasn't often. The only time White was pleasant was when he wanted something, which made you worry.

Special occasions were rare. Your birthday was the only time White would even try to be gentle. But for White's birthday, you would have to prepare, as White would be ridiculously rough with you.

"Is there anything you want to do today?" You ask, expecting the same response he would give every year.

White resting his head on his fist, grinning at you. "What do you think?"

"Anything except that,"

"And what would that be?"

"Something that we can do later,"

White tuts disappointedly, "would you deny me what I want, today of all days?"

"I'll train with you,"

White smiles playfully at your words. "No, not that type of training."

"You're not strong enough for me to gain anything from, anyway," White comments, "and I'm not someone who benefits from anything romantic, so no, I can wait until tonight. You can be my present."

You knew that was a lie. Just because White was never the romantic type doesn't mean you can't be. Being romantic wasn't easy, and White found it somewhat offputting, so you steered clear of being cheesy and overbearing.

The one thing that White would always love was for you to get dressed up - or dressed down. Anything pretty wouldn't do. You were to find lingerie that made you look good enough for White to devour. The more of your precious skin exposed, the better.

White never cared for what you wore so long as prying eyes were nowhere near you. Overprotective White was rare, but when someone looked or glanced a certain way, White was terrifying and often overdid affection. It was the only time he would be affectionate to you. But it was just an act and something you learnt to ignore. There was no need to be like this when White himself was frightening enough. Those eyes of his were enough to strike fear into most people.

Was it better to look pretty and keep your confidence, or attempt to be sexy and possibly shit yourself with embarrassment when his eyes stare you down? In your head, you wanted to look and feel pretty, but because this was all for White, you aimed to be a little sexy for him.

Buying two outfits seemed like a good idea. If one set didn't feel right, you could wear it when you felt good enough. The problem was that they were both too difficult to choose between, and you were slightly anxious.

You stood in your room, sliding a bra strap up your arm. White would get rough with you, so there wasn't any guarantee that anything you wore would remain in one piece. Whenever White got impatient, he would rip your clothes off your body. You stare at yourself in the mirror. Sure, what you wore looked good enough, but it didn't feel right. It didn't matter. You could change into the other set you brought.

You unclasp the bra, sigh in disappointment, and freeze as the door opens. Slowly, you turn, a blush enveloping your face. You tense up, not wanting to be embarrassed. Was it White?

"Getting undressed? That's a shame," White comments.

"What do you want, White?" You ask, letting the bra slide down to the floor.

"Admiring you,"

You sigh, "you weren't supposed to come to me yet,"

"Having trouble with something?"

You walk back to your wardrobe, feeling White's eyes watch your body as he grins smugly. You were all his, and that's what he liked.

"Maybe," you reply, turning your head to look at him, "I wanted to surprise you, but it looks like that plan's failed."

"Surprise me? It's not a surprise if I can guess what you'll do."

"You won't take me seriously, but I don't feel comfortable in this. I had trouble choosing something to wear for you, so I bought two. Putting this one on didn't feel right,"

"You could've greeted me naked, and I would still hunger for you,"

White's stare looked dangerous. A surge of fear shot up your spine as you noticed.

"Put that back on," White starts, getting closer to you, lifting your chin with a finger, "I want to be the one tearing it off you."

"Really?" White moves his hand down.

"You can surprise me with the other one some other time,"

It felt weird. Maybe this was White's way of saying you looked fine the way you were. If he weren't such an asshole, you would take him seriously.

You reach down to pick up the bra and put it on. White's expression changes to confusion as you fasten it, the cups on your back, the clap on your stomach.

"That's how you fasten these things?"

You giggle innocently. "Well, yeah. Not everyone fastens it this way, but it works for me." You pull the bra around, the straps sliding back up your arms.

White smiles at you, roughly grabbing your jaw with one hand, which startles you a little.

"Don't think I'll go easy on you just because you look pretty,"

White was tall, imposing, and scary. Did White ever have anyone before you? Like maybe years ago.

"I understand that," you reply, tense, eyes looking into White's.

"Scared?"

"How can I not be?"

White's large hands move to your waist and slide up your body, roughly groping your breasts. You were small compared to White. He was a slayer who never shied away from intimidating others. Once his eyes found you, it was hard to escape him.

"I'll make this just a little easy for you," White starts, removing his close quickly, eager to get started with you. "I can't promise that my hands will let you be."

It would be great if White didn't offer you help, but you knew he would be rough with you.

You follow as White backs away, sitting on the end of the bed, ushering you between his legs.

Most of the time, you were face down on the bed. It wasn't rare that White wanted you to give him head, but it wasn't like it was a common thing. You could feel just how big his cock was inside you, and that feeling was more than enough to send you over the edge. It had been a while since it was in your face like this, and it startled you to see how big his dick was.

White was tall, and it stood to reason that something else would be too. Anxiety set it in just by looking at him. Fuck, how did you ever get that in your mouth? White was waiting for you to give him what he wanted.

"Nervous?" White asks, leaning back.

"What if I am?" you ask, a little hesitant.

White tensed up, his impatience getting way too high.

"Well, you can do this now, or you could wait until afterwards, then you can sit in front of me like this," White ends in a whisper.

Not like it would matter if you sucked him off now or later, White would be rough with you, mouth and throat fucking you into oblivion, calling you the sweetest names in the world. If only he would be nice to you. Would there be any point in giving head while out of it? You suppose White would get some weird ego trip from it, but that wouldn't be much fun for you.

"You're insufferable," you comment, grabbing White's length, licking from the base to the tip, and taking the pre-cum into your mouth.

White's hand grabs your hair. "I want that sweet mouth of yours to make me feel good, so don't you dare hold back on me." His tone was enough to send a shiver down your spine.

You ease your mouth down on him, taking as much of him as possible. If only you could take your time, but there was no way White would let you take your time.

Within only a few moments, White's fingers clung to your locks.

You bob your head up and down on him, trying to keep the same pace and speed, only for a while. Breathing wasn't easy, especially when White's cock took your focus. If this were anyone with a human height, it would be different. But White was a beast, and you feared he would take control of your head.

Was there a reason to be scared? Yes, and no. Having you in a dangerous position riled White up. If you got wounded, he would probably kill someone. But if they were marks inflicted by him, they would boost his ego.

You removed your mouth from his length and breathed in while you could. As you take him into your mouth again, your eyes meet, and his white eyes look darker. How long would it be before he held you in place and used you? That mouth of yours felt like heaven. He wanted more, and you weren't taking him seriously. But you were taking him seriously. White's size was the problem.

"That little mouth of yours feels so good," White praises, "that I can't help but want more of it."

You readied yourself, attempting to move your head away but failing. You feel your body burning.

Panic almost kicked in as White held your head still. You wouldn't be like this for long. His hips snap up harshly, and the tip of his dick brushes against the start of your throat.

Your hands grip White's leg tightly, ready to punch or hit them if it got too much.

"Such a good girl, taking me like this," White praises. You gag, it is offputting, but you endure it.

No one could predict what would escape White's mouth, even you. He loved degrading you during sex. It seemed almost natural to him. You sometimes loved every vulgar word White called you. It made you shudder. Then there were times it hit hard, and you pushed it to the corner of your mind. God forbid you ever try to degrade him, though he would instantly have you begging for mercy.

The need for air made you desperate, and White saw it, pulling your head up and letting you breathe for a few seconds.

"You're such a good little slut," White comments before forcing you back down on him again. This time his thrusts made his head hit the start of your throat every time.

Your eyes water and nails dig into White's skin. You squeeze your eyes shut.

White wasn't easy to put up with, but you loved him.

Quiet groans and hisses left White's lips. The only time wasn't obnoxious was when he was focusing his energy on you. The times you made him feel good, it would show on his face.

A loud groan escapes White's mouth, "keep still. I'm so close," White bits on his lower lip, gripping your hair tighter.

You held onto his legs, hoping this was the only time White would use your mouth. The last thing you wanted was to pass out.

"Fuck," White groans, holding you in place as his load hits your throat. "Swallow it,"

As White releases your head, letting you move, you swallow before coughing. You were almost dizzy.

"You know how I want you," White comments, cupping your neck. "Get on the bed."

You obey, crawling onto the bed and getting on your hands and knees. A part of you that wanted White to go easy on you, but that wouldn't happen, not now. Why would you stop him from doing what he wanted?

"That's my good girl," White mocks you, smacking your ass harshly as he gets behind you. You flinch at the feeling. "I'll make sure you don't regret this."

White wouldn't warn you. When he was ready, he would fuck you into the bed. His long fingers pull down your panties, exposing your core to him.

As White thrusts his cock inside you, his hand grabs your neck, pushing your face into the blanket. There was no time to react, and it was something you knew the feeling of all too well.

White was a bastard, never taking your feelings into account. That should be a blatant red flag, but you couldn't leave White. Faking an orgasm wouldn't do you any good. Either he'd break up with you, or he'd make sure he gave you a real one as a threat.

But you loved him despite all those blaring red flags.

The hand around your neck stayed there, ensuring you wouldn't move while his length drilled into you. It didn't take long for White's pace to become monstrously fast and rough.

Was this White taking out some frustration on you? Maybe he had worked himself up all day, getting ready for you.

White could be scary, but you think about how frightening he could be during sex. His words were harsh, and being rough is common. The only places White would smack you were on your ass, thighs, or face, but the latter depended on you and not on him.

White's speed increases, the sounds coming from you being whimpers and moans. The more noise you made, the better, and the more he gave you in return. Low groans still came from White. The only other noises were the bed as White fucked you and the slapping of skin as it met. His other hand slides down your back, fiddling with the clasp of your bra before undoing it.

The hand holding you down moved to your hair, nails scraping against your scalp as they cling tightly to your hair.

"You're better like this," White remarks, pulling on your hair and exposing the side of your neck. "I could use you like there's no tomorrow. You'd like that, wouldn't you?"

White's mouth attaches itself to your neck, sucking on your skin, earning him a loud gasp and cry.

Your hands grasp the bedsheets. Every thrust felt like it was sending you further up the bed. White was just that strong. It wouldn't surprise you if he did that.

"White," you cry, which lingered in his ears.

"You don't want me to stop, do you?" White asks.

"No," you cry. You were a moaning mess, incapable of doing anything.

There was not much you could do. White used you the way he wanted to, and there was no stopping what he started.

The friction between the two of you was more than enough to satisfy. If you wanted to scream, White would've made you by now. The last thing you wanted was attention from the others, even if White didn't care that much. White's pride had no limits, which worried you.

With how White was fucking you, it wouldn't take too long for you to reach your climax. You felt so good. No one could treat you the way White did. Even though he never held back, if you made him feel good, he would return the favour.

You quietly whine and cry out his name, the knot in your stomach building up in intensity.

Your knuckles pale as your hands grip the sheets, feeling a wave of pleasure ripple through you. A loud gasp escapes your mouth as you reach your orgasm, whimpering like a dog below White.

White didn't stop. Once he came, he kept moving. You expected as much, not having any objections. You were his present.

Getting used to his rough pace and speed took a while to get used to, not like you expected White to be gentle. His personality wasn't the best or the nicest. White was powerful and frightening. Why you hadn't run away from him yet, you never understood.

The times White went a little rougher than usual weren't rare, but you knew he could do worse on you. And that was something that made you afraid.

White's hand pulls your hair, elevating your body off the bed. He moves it to the front of your neck, pushing your back against his chest.

"Fuck," you whine, White's hand cupping your neck, squeezing lightly.

"You're behaving well," White whispers, snapping his hips against your ass faster and viciously, "I won't hold back on you, so I hope you prepared for,"

Your heart races. As expected, White's pace and speed make your head spin.

Someone as strong as White could continue like this for a long time. He had the stamina. And that's what scared you.

His hand tightens, making you see stars. You fix your eyes on the ceiling, breathing as much air as possible, but his pace makes it nearly impossible. Even if his hand wasn't around your neck, you doubt you could keep your breathing up. It was getting too much.

You sputter out words, trying to get White's attention. He was making you feel good, and you couldn't deny it, but you panicked as you struggled for air. Fuck, you knew you were going to pass out soon.

"W-White," you whisper, your hand squeezing his arm.

You could feel your orgasm coming, which made the situation trickier. Did you like being in danger like this? Maybe. It stirred something inside you, but you still panicked.

Just as the feeling of release came, you blacked out, overwhelmed and breathless, your hand sliding down from White's arm.

White continues, his pace slowing as he comes, lowering you onto the bed. He could tell something wasn't quite right with you. White's hand finds your hair, tilting your head, and watches your face, and that's when he pulls out of you.

A quiet groan escapes your lips. White sits and waits for you to move.

"Hey," White says, poking your shoulder blade, "I hope this isn't some prank to get sympathy,"

"Nice to know you care," you respond, slowly turning on your side to face him.

"I guess you couldn't handle me?"

"Almost," you smile. "You didn't hold back. I just panicked a bit. You're strong, and I had trouble breathing and adjusting to your monstrous pace."

It should've been something White had pride in, but it didn't feel right.

"You'll just have to get used to it,"

All you did was sigh. White wasn't good at caring for you, and there weren't many times when he would try. Cuddles were rare, and soft kisses were the same. White would either learn something from you and show affection slowly or be blunt and show it in the worst way possible.

"I love you," White admits.

A smile creeps on your face.

"Yeah, and I love you,"

Silence filled the room for a while.

"You better be all right," White comments, prompting you to open your eyes and sit up.

"Is that your way of showing me some love?"

"Was me fucking you into the bed not enough?"

The last thing you wanted to do was argue with White over something as silly as love. He had a twisted way of showing it, and you had yours.

It's just that the love that White gave you sometimes wasn't what you pictured love to be - the perks of dating a prideful and strong slayer. You wouldn't call your relationship boring, but you couldn't call it fun.

please don't steal or translate

[nothing0fnothing]

Have any of you ever recovered from a human bite? Because Jesus it's rough and I'm gonna vent about experience with it.

I was bitten on the scalp by my mother when I was eighteen. She was mad I couldn't fit through a door that only opened about 40cm, so she attempted to drag my body through the gap in the door, and when I got stuck she just began attacking every part of my body that she could get to.

She dug nails into my arms and face, left grazes across my body where it made contact with the door and the fame, punched my face, kicked my leg and worst of all, bit my scalp so hard it broke skin.

It was a crazy kind of thing. The type of thing that makes you realise this person isn't normal, this person isn't safe. This person who is supposed to care and protect me just went to all lengths to deal me trauma and pain.

I was made homeless directly after the attack, so going to the hospital or receiving basic first aid didn't seem high priority. So I never received it. The recovery was terrible.

In the first 6 or so hours after the attack, the bite site started to swell and feel hot and tender. It was so sore and painful I didn't even have the courage to clean the affected area. It hurt to touch any part around the bite and it was hard to sleep.

I stayed at a friend's spare bedroom and when I woke up roughly 14 hours after the bite, I had full body aches and chills. My neck and shoulders felt stiff. I felt cold even though whole body was burning up. I had a killer headache and I felt like I'd contracted the flu. I was convinced this was just a reaction to the stress of being attacked the day before. I had no idea human bites are as dangerous as they are. They're some of the highest risk bites to people. If you're ever bitten by a human and it breaks skin, you absolutely need to be smarter than I was and get medical treatment or first aid right away.

I got dressed and went to school. Where I felt lethargic and drowsy all day. The pain in my bite was now throbbing and I finally, 20 hours after the bite incident, had a the common sense realisation that I should probably wash the bite site.

I was in the girls toilet in my college. I used antibacterial soap out of the dispenser and leaned my head into the basin to flush the wound out with warm water.

It hurt like fuck. It had scabbed over and was incredibly swollen, so breaking up the scab with dispenser soap stung like a bastard. I was hissing and cursing with my head in a sink in my free period when my head of year saw me and asked what I was doing.

It was such an uncomfortable thing to explain.

Sorry sir, I'm just cleaning up a wound because last night I was bitten. Yes on the scalp. By my mum. Yeah it really hurts.

He had known about a different extreme blow up that happened in my home a few weeks prior and he knew I hadn't been staying at my parents house the last few weeks.

I had to explain how I was lured home with the promise I was wanted back and things would be better, only to become the victim of the assault minutes after I walked through the front door.

I could tell he had never dealt with a situation this bad before and I felt awful, I really did. I was sat in his office, shivering and pale with soaking wet hair and it was obvious he had no idea what to do with me. He couldn't send me home. He couldn't keep me here.

I came into college sick and shivering for a few days before eventually the sickness subsided and I recovered from the bite. I was still blotchy with bruises and cuts by the time the infection was gone. My right side of my body was tender and sore and grazed. It meant it was hard to do anything without it hurting.

I walked around with no confidence, terrified of everyone and everything for a couple of weeks after the incident. Anything could hurt me so I avoided other students for the whole time. I used my free periods to sit alone in the study area with a cup of coffee just, spacing out into oblivion.

He checked in on me every once in a while. I remember I once spaced out in the post traumatic stress haze I was in, I completely missed the bell that prompted me I needed to be in class.

He could see me in the study area from his desk in the office and I think he noticed I'd just been sitting blankly for 40 minutes and hadn't moved when I was supposed to be in class. He very kindly sat next to me and asked if I was okay. It scared the shit out of me but it also meant a lot that he cared, you know?

[hardheaded-municipalist]

[agender + cis guy] dysphoria (bigender, I suppose)

I just see fields of different amounts of shit when I look at the gender landscape.

Libido

Hard to tell if this is an asexual-dysphoria thing or an agender-dysphoria thing. I enjoy reading books or playing video games at night. This gets in the way and it just makes me feel extremely frustrated. There is no proper NEED that my body is making me fulfill... It just reminds me that I have to do bullshit upkeep that makes me uncomfortable. I really do not care for masturbation. I would go at least several weeks without doing it ideally. It just feels like I get a higher dose than I want.

Solution: Progestorone.

Reproductive functions

Hard to tell if this is an asexual-dysphoria thing, a child-free thing, or an agender-dysphoria thing. I really fuckin hate that my body has entered itself into the reproduction game of human society. I have genetic conditions that I'd like a person to never inherit. People have described "sex is beautiful because it's how we create" and I just want to get away from that quote as far as I possibly can.

Solution: Vasectomy.

Facial hair

I don't mind facial hair, tbh. It's just very annoying to have to shave/scissor-cut to maintain a very annoying amount of hair. If I had permanent light stubble, I'd prefer it.

Solution: Laser therapy.

Gendered name

The given name is {male}. I just want to forget that gender is a meaningful divide in the world I live in...

Solution: New gender-neutral name.

Preference for mixed-gender friendship groups

I prefer having friendship groups that are mixed-gender, so that gender isn't a common feature, because I inevitably do not quite relate to that stuff.

Solution: Make more mixed-gender friendship groups.

Role reversal

I do feel cis... in this way: dipping toes into gender norms only to transgress against them... Despite the fact that I am hetero, I feel straight culture reinforces gender norms. I hate it so fucking much.

Solution: Ace role reversal romance, when???

Crossdressing

I do feel cis... in this way: dipping toes into gender norms only to transgress against them... Despite the fact that I am cis... if I were in a relationship with someone else, proper crossdressing (not just androgyny) would be fun. [Only to dip toes for me... They can do what they want.]

Solution: Ace role reversal romance, when???

Androgynous clothing

I prefer clothing that is androgynous/gender-neutral/genderless. I just want to forget that gender is a meaningful divide in the world I live in...

Solution: more androgynous clothing

Pronouns

I want to forget gendered pronouns exist. I would prefer there was only one set of pronouns, so I don't have to ponder this question. I guess I'm used to [he] at the moment. I think with certain people I know well, I'll eventually prefer [they]. These agender thoughts are pretty private to me, and I don't currently have such a preference.

Solution: Keep an eye on this, yet to be determined. TLDR = TBA.

Genitals

Penis is good for peeing. Point and shoot. Nice and simple. Thoughts about not having a penis are kind of... terrifying. I'd carry a "female urination device" around with me in a backpack if I had to.

Solution: Keep things as they are.

Breasts

Seem to be more trouble than they're worth. Having to remember to wash more clothing seems like a pain.

Solution: Keep things as they are.

Softer skin, smoother hair, other HRT effects

Neutral. I don't care about this stuff.

Solution: Keep things as they are.

Shoulder hair

I don't know if this is an agender thing or a me thing. What The Fuck is shoulder hair????? two small patches on the skin above the shoulder [specifically the skin above the acromion]. One patch for each shoulder.

Solution: Hair removal cream. Waxing. Laser therapy.

[wisteria-lodge]

un-burning lion primary (snake morality) + snake secondary

Hello, I could use some help figuring out my secondary. I'm a Snake primary, but I can't for the life of me figure out whether my true secondary is Snake or Lion. Sorry, this gets kind of trauma-dump-y. Please don't feel obligated to respond if it's too much.

For context, my father is a religious fanatic, the loudest and stubbornest Lion I've ever known, and the cause of most of my trauma. My mother is a Snake and self-appointed interpersonal damage control for my father.

Sounds like we've got the co-dependent/enabling thing going on. That's going to make you feel some sort of way about Lion AND Snake primaries.

Now because of the aforementioned trauma, I'm extremely conflict avoidant. I'm often too scared to even make reasonable requests, and arguing triggers my freeze and fawn response even when I'm just witnessing it and not directly involved.

Yep. That's a thing. And a recipe for Burning, in the terminology of this system.

On the surface, my secondary seems very Snake. In social situations, I read the people around me and adjust my performance accordingly without consciously thinking about it. When I feel backed into a corner, I just play along, lying as needed. As long as the other person or people involved aren't my People, the only guilt I feel about acting Snakish is just a distant-feeling residue from my religious upbringing. When those I'm interacting with are my People, I still don't feel too guilty about tailoring the way I act to them, so long as I'm not lying or being self-servingly manipulative.

So far this could just be a Snake secondary. I know that building Snake secondary models to survive unstable or unsafe situations is absolutely a thing, but you... seem to enjoy it?

When I catch myself lying to one of my People, it's either a defensive move relating to something I don't feel safe letting them know the whole truth of (e.g., letting my mother know the extent of my queerness or my rejection of the religion I was raised in) or a very minor lie that accidentally slipped out for no particular reason I can think of (usually saying I don't know/understand something that I actually do. This may be related to certain elements of my upbringing). In both cases, I feel guilty in a deeper, more personal way. However, the defensive lying seems like a difficult necessity, and the accidental lying seems harmless enough that I can get over it fairly easily.

Both of these examples I think are just... people things.

I'd say that not letting your mother (and then potentially your fanatical father) know that you're a queer atheist is just... smart? And lying to say "no please explain" "yes I've seen that show" just to... keep the conversation going, avoid conflict, build community. THAT'S a Human Thing, as well.

When I catch myself being manipulative toward my People though, I feel extremely guilty, sometimes to the point that it leads to a panic attack. However, I wasn't always nearly so careful to avoid manipulating my People. When I was a kid, I was an absolutely terrible friend. I was controlling and constantly fishing for compliments from my friends by self-deprecating, even though this clearly made them very uncomfortable. At the same time however, I was obsessed with fairness and terrified of being selfish, so I have no idea why I didn't realize sooner that acting this way toward my friends was unfair and selfish.

You were under-confident (and probably convinced/told that you could never be good enough - ie "terrified of being selfish") and had an unstable home base. So I'm not surprised at all that this translated into fishing for compliments from, and trying to control your friends. Give yourself a break. You were a kid. You're allowed to be kind of an asshole when you're a kid.

(I tend to think that it's your environment and not yourself to blame until you're at least 12 or so.)

Whatever the reason, I didn't make an effort to stop doing this until I was around twelve.

^^^ see above. Personally, I think you're free and clear.

To this day, the way I treated my childhood friends is one of my deepest regrets, and I worry that I might slip back into those old habits if I'm not careful.

I'm... not that worried. Although this focus on immutable personal identity is very much an Internal primary thing (Snake + Lion.)

Despite my fear of being manipulative, Snake secondary still seems like the best way to go about things. Bird and Badger seem to require too much effort that might not pay off for my taste, and Lion seems foolhardy.

Snake does seem to be in the lead here.

However. I'm secretly sort of obsessed with the idea of power. I constantly fantasize about being powerful enough to just plow through anything that stands in my way, and making people fear me enough that no one will ever try to hurt me or my People again. I feel vaguely guilty about these fantasies, especially because they involve not being bound to any sort of moral code and not needing to ever worry about the consequences of my actions. So even though I know that these fantasies are probably just a result of feeling completely powerless so often throughout my childhood, and that fantasies don't actually hurt anyone, I worry sometimes that they mean I'm a bad person.

They don't. You're fine. I'd even say that some healthy power fantasies at times when you're feeling powerless are *good* for you. And sure there's a Lion flavor here, but so many power fantasy characters are Lions that I don't think I can go and attribute a Lion secondary to you based on this. After all, there are lots of things that are fun to fantasize about that would be no fun at all if they actually happened.

Even outside of my fantasies, something about the Lion secondary way of doing things sounds satisfying in a way Snake secondary just isn't. At the same time though, putting all of myself out there for everyone to see sounds terrifying.

I'm not sure if I'm able to say if you just *like* the idea of a Lion secondary because it sounds powerful and strong. Or if you *are* a Lion secondary, and have a Snake secondary model that is very robust and you like quite a lot. Either way, I would definitely experiment with spending some time in... neutral. Not preforming for anyone, just existing.

Sometimes I feel like a coward for being too afraid to stand up for what I believe in like Lions do, but I'm also afraid of being like my father, the aforementioned extreme Lion.

This is primary stuff. And yeah, I *bet* you have some issues with putting your foot down and saying 'this feels right and this feels wrong.' But for what it's worth, I don't see any evidence of you being your father. If anything, the danger seems to be you over-correcting in the opposite direction.

Anyway, I think that's about it. It seems to come down to whether I'm a burned Lion with a Snake model, or just a traumatized Snake with religious guilt. Thanks for your time, and for any insight if you choose to answer this.

The good news is that you seem to like your Snake just fine. I really don't see any burning there, apart from some very mild, garden variety "Snake is the bad guy one."

Your primary though... if anything has taken burning it's that. There's a through line to this post where you're scared of wanting things - "too scared to even make reasonable requests" "too afraid to stand up for what I believe in"- or scared of wanting the *wrong* things - "I worry that I might slip back into those old habits," "I worry sometimes that they mean I'm a bad person."

Outside of any other context, these fears and these sentiments feel like Burnt Lion primary to me. I get that option feels unsafe because of your father, but it's something to at least think about. You might be a Snake who models Lion when their people are safe. You might be a Lion with a very Snake-looking morality. Either way, I think it's very likely that there's a Lion influence mixed in there, which you should look at when you're ready.

PS - I can't seem to hide my emotions. It might just be an autism thing, but for whatever reason, unless I'm consciously thinking about it super hard, I'm always nonverbally broadcasting how I'm really feeling, to the point that it can be a problem sometimes. And trying to hide it feels Wrong somehow, like I can't properly feel my emotions if I'm not physically expressing them.

If this isn't just an autism thing or some kind of coping mechanism, it sounds like a Lion secondary thing, right?

that is... much more of a Lion primary thing. Because the problem isn't that you're got an expressive face, it's that you sometimes have trouble feeling/identifying your emotions in your body, and that feels Wrong. And *that's* the basis of being a Lion primary.