#but I'm kind of terrified of making people extremely uncomfortable

[khaire-traveler]

Hey, y'all, I'm going through a crisis right now, so I may not be as active as usual. I apologize in advance for any asks left unanswered for a while. Unfortunately, I just can't handle, well, much of anything right now. I'm sorry.

[verdantwyrm]

hello, i saw your post about how people should not censor out or analyse Jimmy for the fear that it’d look like excusing his actions, and honestly i agree. Particularly, what you said stood out to me, I think I will remember it from here on:

“Trying to constantly make out the fact that rapists are faceless monsters that have never been people completely ignores the fact that most of them are people we know and people we care about.”

ngl does kinda make me teary, very based take I haven’t seen anyone make yet. I’m a CSA and incest survivor, it’s easy to say rapists are horrible people and should die, but it’s more complex than that, especially if you grew up with them and care about them.

I wanted to share that post so bad, but I’m a coward reblogging hot takes in this fandom. Just know I screenshotted that post for personal keepings because it was so based.

There’s also one interpretation of Anya that I haven’t seen yet: the non-angry. It is understandable that people may feel empowerment drawing Anya killing Jimmy. My interpretation of her (because I’m projecting hard lmao), she may not be angry or killing Jimmy in her mind. “I don’t want revenge, I just want peace” type of thing. My version of Anya is just someone who doesn’t seek revenge towards Jimmy or berating Curly for not doing her justice; just someone who wants safety, a peace of mind. It’s kinda weird when I see art of Anya lowkey guiltripping a post-crash Curly, it just feels off. Anya doesn’t seem the kind to be vengeful anyway.

Sometimes I think something’s wrong with me for not feeling angry at my abusers just as others seem to be, but I remind myself that responses to trauma can be varying. Nothing’s wrong with the revenge interpretations, more power to those who feel empowered by it, but I would like to see the non-angry interpretation someday, especially on a soft-hearted character like Anya.

Hi Anon! Thank you so much for your question! And more importantly, from one survivor to another, I know more than most about how it feels to have someone you trusted or someone you were supposed to trust have them go and do something as awful as rape or assault, and it's true because that happens a lot. It's a part of grooming victims, so constantly trying to make out these people as faceless monsters who emerge to only do bad is detrimental to the fact that they can, will be and are the people you hold closest sometimes.

And I'm honestly just as teary-eyed thinking about how that resonates with people because it's a very uncomfortable truth that not a lot of people want to reckon with or even understand and completely ignore. I was much like you when it came to opinions like this, "fandom discourse" as people may say, and I was terrified of reblogging it or even making a suggestion towards it in fear of it being a bad take or one that doesn't even make sense, but after years of writing and reading, it's helped me a ton to grasp themes, nuance, metaphors- the like. That's why I post my own analysis: because I know and understand how much it means to have someone speak on such an overlooked thing. When you don't have someone doing that, or anyone to even bounce your ideas off of, you start to feel like you're stretching it or simply going mad.

I actually really, really dislike the interpretation that Anya is angry, resentful or has any revenge towards Curly, or that she has to be this, hysterical mad woman sent out to kill or hurt Jimmy. I don't believe she's either of this. Anya deserves peace, and I think it's extremely important to understand just how similar she is to Curly.

They're both victims to the same man, they both believe in the best of people (although to their own detriment in a way) they want to find peace, and fulfilment in their career and life. They're so alike in such delicate and intimate ways, that trying to constantly paint Curly as this great, horrible oppressor over her does way more harm than good.

I've mentioned in a couple of posts now that Curly's good heart and his kindness aren't inherently a bad thing, and that's because it isn't a bad thing. It was because Jimmy was so ready to abuse him every time he showed "weakness" and the fact that Pony Express probably had already been exploiting it for a very long time, that made It as catastrophic as it was. And that's not his fault, that's not Anya's either.

Curly’s biggest weakness is his forgiving nature. We all talk about how Anya is a victim of Jimmy, and she absolutely is, but so is Curly. His first immediate response Jimmy's reaction to Anya announcing her pregnancy is met with immense fear and anxiety with the added soundtrack of what could be equivalent to the sound of Curly's heart racing.

He is beyond terrified, and when he does finally get to Jimmy, he immediately fawns and freezes. He makes absolutely no mention of Anya or anyone else because all that mattered in that panicked situation was easing Jimmy down and resolving the situation. Curly was and has been a victim of Jimmy's abuse for a very long time on an emotional and mental aspect that clouded his judgements and perceptions in the scenario which devolved into physical abuse very quickly once Jimmy got his chance. It is also true that Curly had a responsibility to protect Anya as a crew mate and Captain but he failed due to bias towards his abusers, and his kind and forgiving nature of simply wanting to see the good in Jimmy, which is a manifest of his trauma and being a victim, also definitely something that Jimmy himself has instilled into Curly.

And like you say, it is perfectly fine to interpret her this way, but it feels very... out of character. This is the same character that so reverently believes that our worst moments don't make us monsters, and I don't think it's insane to apply this sentiment to Curly too, because his worst moment was simply being too forgiving to someone who deserved it the least- which is its own trauma response.

Again, so sorry for the long response, I've been sitting on this ask for a while simply because I wanted to answer the best I could, and I have a lot of feelings about Curly and Anya and how they're reflections of each other in being victims. Thank you so much for sending in an ask! ╰(*´︶`*)╯

[fadewalking]

Opinion on the Solrook ship? 👀

I like it, in theory. I ship it, in theory. I think there's some really great narrative potential with Solas and Rook, who as we know, are basically mirrors of each other. And that is super compelling, naturally.

It's in practice, where the ship becomes challenging. Mirrors, especially the kind that they present to each other, are uncomfortable to look at.

Solas looks at Rook and sees an allegedly idealized version of himself (more or less). A version that wouldn't sacrifice the ideals that form the bedrock of his lifelong rebellion against tyranny. A version that's stronger than him, spiritually, because they are more adaptable, and willing to take risks in a way Solas isn't (willing to be wrong).

As much as Solas admires that about Rook, he also kind of hates it. I mean, he's spent his entire long lived existence, forcing himself to believe that he knows what's right because he's afraid to be wrong, and what that would mean (that everything he's ever sacrificed has been unnecessary). And Rook forces him to contend with that reality. It's frightening in a way I think few people really appreciate. Rook represents a profoundly terrifying realization for Solas, and it's way easier to meet that with anger and combativeness rather than to just... accept it, let alone grapple with it to the extent that he could fall in love with Rook because of or in spite of it.

Rook on the other hand sees.. what? Themself, but worse? lol. What they might turn into if they let their convictions drop, or if they make too many excuses, or if they let pride and pragmatism overtake their compassion and morality? For Rook to look at Solas and fall in love with him despite that.. It's very "I can fix him", or maybe even "I can overlook that", lol, which is not me criticizing Rook, ik it sounds like I am, but what I mean to say is that it's just very ambitious, and love would never know more obstacles than those between Rook and Solas. Because, let's also not forget the parallel Solas and Rook draw in-game between their dynamic and Solas and Elgar'nan. In ways we can't ignore, if we're going to say that Solas and Rook can fall in love, then we have to look at how that might reflect from Solas and Elgar'nan's relationship, and that becomes very uncomfortable, doesn't it?

Now put your pitchforks down, because I'm not saying that they're the same thing. Solas and Elgar'nan are vastly different characters, and the only reason I even bring it up is just to illustrate the kind of gap Solas and Rook would have to cross to get to each other in a place of love and romance. It is not so extreme as Solas and Elgar'nan, but the parallel is made for a reason.

Aside from all of that, Solas in VG is more guarded than ever. And the very very last thing on his mind in that prison is love in that way. If you thought he played hard to get in Inquisition, babe you ain't seen nothing yet. But, as discouraging as this all must sound, I do actually see a path forward for them, even if that path is extremely narrow. I think the ship is... possible. And as a writer, I'm willing to explore that.

I tell this to all Rooks who come looking to ship with my Solas: It's going to be like playing Romance on legendary difficulty. If they're okay with the uphill battle of their fucking lives and no guarantee of success or a happy ending, then they are more than free to try their luck.

Also. I shan't name drop. But some people in this fandom are... less than desirable in the way they talk about and represent the ship, and that, imo, ruins a lot of the optics for shipping it, in the same way that the fandom at large has mishandled Solavellan so egregiously that it puts a bad taste in a lot of people's mouths just on instinct. But that's just my opinion.

In reality, I ship Solas with anyone who has chemistry with him, or at least the good potential for it, whomever that might be. It's that simple ♡

[genderkoolaid]

idk if you're the best person to ask but you always seem to have great resources for all kinds of shit so I'm just shooting my shot I guess

tw: healthcare stuff?

I just got invited for my first cervical screening, and I am 100% legitimately terrified. I do not want to go. I know I should, I know its in my best interest, I know I'll probably have to anyway before my hysto that I've been referred for, but I am just. so scared

maybe it's just immense dysphoria. maybe it's fear over the state of trans healthcare lately. but the last time I went to my local hospital for anything, I got ferried straight to the women's services and was repeatedly misgendered to the point I disassociated the whole time. this was pre top surgery, but I was still out and no one even tried to address me correctly

I seriously don't know if I'll be able to go and I'm wondering if you or your followers have got any resources or advice I could use. anything would be so appreciated

I completely get being terrified, especially if you are going back to a place where you've already experienced transphobic mistreatment.

First of all, know your rights as a patient. The AMA has a list here. You may also want to check out the medical guidelines on trans gynecological care, and this Scarleteen article which goes into detail on pelvic exams, what to expect and your options.

You have the option to do the swab yourself. I would suggest calling or emailing your hospital, explaining that you are uncomfortable with a pelvic exam and asking about self-collection.

This article goes over medical self-advocacy tips for queer people. I definitely recommend asking someone you trust to accompany you to the screening, and/or to see if your hospital has patient liaison to help you advocate for yourself. Having someone to back you up, especially when you yourself will be in a vulnerable position, is extremely helpful. If there are any LGBT organizations local to you, you may want to contact them and ask if they have any resources or support that might help you. You can use the LGBTQ+ Healthcare Directory to find affirming healthcare providers near you (in the US and Canada). You can also check out this short list of words and phrases to use in an appointment that help you assert yourself and get what you need from your medical provider.

Assuming you end up making an appointment, you should practice ways of staying calm (breathing, affirmations, stim toys, etc.) and go over phrases you can use to advocate for yourself beforehand. Be compassionate with yourself and let yourself feel how you feel- and don't be afraid to feel angry if you are mistreated. It isn't right and you don't deserve it. If you can, plan something nice to do after the appointment to reward yourself. You should also educate yourself on reproductive health and keep track of things like discharge, vaginal pain, pain while urinating, etc., especially if you don't end up getting a screening.

[egglygreg]

Yet another inexplicably vivid YA dream with an almost coherent narrative structure:

A warm Northern Kingdom, constantly at odds with the cold Southern Kingdom. Both places have extremely advanced technology but it's very old and they don't necessarily know how to use/fix/make more of it.

There have been recent battles over ancient tech, the north has been targeted by the south.

Our POV character is the Northern Princess, a young woman with golden red hair and deep red eyes.

The princess, desperate to get out of the castle and go riding, takes her horse and sneaks out of the secret gate in the gardens behind the palace.

While out riding, she is captured by southerners. They take her back to their city in the icefields, which the northerners have been unable to find for many long years.

The place they take her to is a mechanical structure her people had managed to locate, but had dismissed as just a strange ruin of ancient defunct technology.

Her captors lead her onto it, and the machine activates and begins to shift. Strange walls of energy spring up, which the southerners walk her through. The colour of the energy changes from blue to red, and a loud mechanical voice announces "royal blood recognised."

Her captors seem taken aback for a moment, before they walk her forward to a strange box in the middle of the mechanism. One young man, who has been quite kind to her despite being a kidnapper, steps into it with her, and then suddenly and very quickly they drop

down

down

down

under the ice and through the water, in the small glass-like box.

The Princess becomes terrified and panicked, crying and shaking and absolutely petrified. In her panic she starts lashing out and hitting the walls, desperate to get back to the surface. Her captor tries to calm her down, gripping her upper arms and pulling her back against himself, while speaking gently and kindly to her despite his own confusion over her reaction.

(For him and all his people this was a perfectly normal trip, but she had never experienced anything like a deep sea elevator before).

The box brings them into the centre of a large and fairly busy town square. She is the first northerner in memory to set foot in the southern city, an enormous structure hidden beneath the icy ocean.

It was much colder in the city than she was used to.

She is taken through the streets and into an impressive and strange room. She and her captor stand before a throne, and on it sits the southern king, a middle aged man with brown hair and a very stern and harrowed expression. He asks the young man who the girl is, and seems somehow both pleased and very stressed to hear she is the princess of the North.

While she is technically a prisoner, she is given mostly free reign to wander the city. A young woman is assigned as her guide/guard, though the young man who first brought her down to the city comes around quite often to check in on her.

She feels so cold in this strange place that she takes to wearing a blanket over her shoulders, and one of her favourite places to go is near the city's great engines where the heat is highest. Most of the southerners find the place uncomfortably hot and avoid it.

(Unfortunately story-wise that's all I've got, because that's when I woke up. For me though it was a relief, because being deep underwater in a submerged vessel is literally one of my worst nightmares and I'm also pretty claustrophobic, so that's the reason the princess lost her mind in the deep sea elevator. I was seeing from her pov at the time and I was legit terrified 😅 Even the handsome love interest didn't help)

[daytaker]

Satan Headcanons

cw: some self-harming tendencies

Some of these are actually anti-canons. I don't know if that's a phrase I've heard before or one that I just invented but I'm going to call things that explicitly oppose the canon because I think they make more sense or fit better "anti-canons".

General Headcanons

Satan doesn't try new things if he doesn't think he'll be good at them from the very beginning. He hates appearing weak or ridiculous, so he tends to absorb as much information about something as he can before ever attempting it, and even then he only acts if having that information is practically useful. As a consequence, he has never played a Sport.

Satan is Lucifer's favorite brother.

He would unironically like Linkin Park.

He can't stop thinking about cats. He can't stop talking about cats. He needs cat rehab. He can't even stop going on about cats long enough to sing us a serious and emotional love song without mentioning cats. Cats are a problem.

He and Levi share cursed memes.

Satan writes poetry sometimes.

Asmo treats him as both a big brother and a little brother.

He can play the piano because Lucifer can play the piano, but he won't do it.

Baby Satan (By Which I Mean Newly Made Satan)

When Satan is very "new", his connection to Lucifer is stronger to the extent that he can more or less gauge what Lucifer is thinking at any given time. He just instinctively knows. This wears off as time goes on and he develops a more distinct sense of self, and there's more time separating him and his creation, but at first, he can track Lucifer's thoughts so well that Lucifer is extremely uncomfortable with it. He'll be sitting there at dinner while everyone else is talking about screaming tomatoes and how terrifying Devildom produce is in general, and Lucifer is trying to figure out what to do about Diavolo and his weird enthusiasm for that demon that just woke up in the middle of the new school, wondering why they're suddenly a founding member of RAD, and Satan turns to him and says, "Lord Diavolo seems to like collecting strange demons with questionable loyalties and making them into his personal entourage. Also, fuck you."

Sensory

He has a lot of sensory difficulties, and the next few headcanons below are offshoots of this one. But basically... have you ever been in a blind rage and felt something touch you gently? Maybe this is just me, but that somehow makes everything worse. Basically, I'm picturing boy fresh from the metaphorical womb, an uncontrollable ball of fury, and SOFT stuff GENTLY touches him? On his BODY? What the ACTUAL FUCK?

His antidote to this discomfort is to have something rough and painful touch the spot that was affected, and this leads to a lot of scabs and sores. They're worst on his back and shoulders. This was a source of stress and conflict for him and Lucifer early on.

He hates clothes. Especially loose-fitting clothes, because of how they sit on his body. He refused to wear clothes at all for the first couple weeks he existed. He'd just roll around and tear them up with his tail. He often finds clothes uncomfortable enough to be considered painful, though that's not exactly what's happening.

He hates to get wet. I know, I know. Very "cat". Pretty basic. But being wet is uncomfortable. And kind of humiliating. And if you so much as smile at him when he's wet, he will interpret that as mockery and absolutely go the fuck off.

So baths and showers are tricky. Why the actual fuck would he subject himself to something like that? Just so other people don't have to smell him? Do they have any idea how little he cares about their disgust? He's born of wrath and shame* and hate! He eats disgust for breakfast.

*As the Avatar of Pride, Lucifer can no longer experience Pride's antithesis (shame) so when Satan was made, he ended up taking his shame as a little present. That's one reason why he hates Lucifer: he knows why Lucifer hates himself, even though Lucifer doesn't anymore.

[zeebreezin]

Introduction • Updated 06/05/24

Hello hello, this is Astra! Welcome to my Fallen London side blog, I’m still somewhat new to the game but I’ve played a good bit of Sunless Seas and am always down to learn more about the world. This blog is heavily focused towards OCs, both mine and others, as well as my liveblog of my playthrough! According to some I’ve become the Sequencer Guy (™), which is a title I'm more than willing to bear. I’m working through a Nemesis route character as we speak and have just started a Light Fingers PC! Shaw’s (Nemesis) playthrough can be found at #low level liveblog, and B’s (Light Fingers) is at #b’s bizarre adventure.

If you ever have questions about my characters or want to interact, shoot me an ask or DM! I love talking and I love hearing about other people’s creations, but I have a pretty bad memory for conversations & replies!!

I’m a writer and digital painter, and am much more comfortable with more atmospheric / background work compared to portraiture & drawing people in general, but I’ve been trying to branch out. I also tend to make jokes that can lean in dirty directions, but I won’t be reblogging any IRL NSFW. There might be discussions of kink & sexual topics, but I’ll keep those tagged under #suggestive and they shouldn’t be too frequent. I’m also chronically bad at tagging spoilers or triggers, so please let me know if you need anything I will do my best.

One last important note here - like I mentioned before, I have a lot of characters involved with the New Sequence & the Dawn Machine, and I do my best to portray semi-realistic elements of how cults function & can impact people in them. If you are at all uncomfortable with those kinds themes of religious abuse, please please please feel free to blacklist those character & relationship tags!! I will not judge you whatsoever, Stay safe!

With all that said, Character stuff under the cut! Hope you have a great day today!

Ambition Characters:

The Black Rook | The Long-Suffering Linguist - August Shaw

He/They - Mid 40s - Nemesis! - Philology Professor & Midnighter - Watchful | Dangerous

Account: AugustShaw

A professor of Philology by trade, Shaw is a prickly character who has a mildly extreme obsession with the various languages of the Neath, a fascination that’s gotten them into a good deal of trouble… and left them with a few strange quirks. He's driven by the need to get revenge after his daughter’s death, and puts on a face of absolute pragmatism to do it. Desperate to give back to those on the surface he left behind, Shaw’s fallen in with the Great Game, becoming a spymaster for Black and working to uplift the marginalized from below… a trade he’s gotten a terrifying reputation for. Unscrupulous at the best of times, he is damn good at his job, when he’s not chasing a bit of escapism by any means necessary. While they’re seemingly a grumpy bastard, Shaw does have a big heart and a surprisingly bold sense of humour.

The Reckless Playwright - ‘B’

Any/They - Mid 20s - Light Fingers - Actor/Playwright - Persuasive | Shadowy

Account: BThePlaywright

B is an aspiring playwright and actor with their head in the non-existent clouds and a spring in their step. She always seems to be getting into a little bit of trouble, before charming his way out of it with a smile and a wide eyed look. Everything about their past is a bit of a mystery, though it can’t be denied that they have a good heart. While searching for cheap lodgings in London, B ended up with the (mis)fortune of becoming Shaw’s housemate and eventual investigative assistant. Their endless optimism hides a great deal of past horrors, as does their suitcase. They’re absolutely not wanted by the Navy for treason, either. Don't know why I had to specify that.

The Pragmatic Headhunter - Vivian Fitzpatrick

She/He/They - Bag a Legend - Bounty Hunter - Dangerous | Watchful

Shaw’s Ex-wife who came down to the Neath after he abandoned her and their still living son. After murdering her (now probably ex-) husband, Vivian developed a taste for the Neath. Both for the power they could achieve, and for the thrill of the hunt and battle. More than anything, he wants to prove herself to be more than the grieving mother the surface wanted her to be - by becoming something more feared than death itself. Harsh and openly hypocritical, Vivian’s on the fast track to becoming something terrible - but the question is, will she be able to bury the last of herself to do it?

Non-Ambition Characters:

The Ravenous Acumen - It/She - Killer for Hire / Killer for Hobby - Shadowy | Dangerous

A mysterious figure with a deeply warped body and equally warped sense of morality. After Acumen’s own hubris cost her everything, it devoted itself to killing arrogant or naive researchers that play with things they don’t understand. There’s far worse fates out there then death, after all. It speaks in riddles, lives for games, and has a bizarrely tender affection for anyone who gains her favor.

The Mournful Phantasm/The Chimeric Violinist - ‘Lenore Shaw’ - She/They - ??? - Persuasive | Dangerous

Once a dangerous Parabolan entity born from the thousands of false-selves created when mourners dream of lost loved ones, ‘Lenore’ found her way to reality entirely by accident, and truly believes she is Shaw and Vivian’s biological daughter. Gazing into the mirror glace that follows her reflects back the form of whoever or whatever you’ve lost that you miss most dearly. Not quite a reflection, but definitely not human, she currently resides in the Royal Beth, haunting its halls - though she may walk the streets soon enough.

The Phosphorescent Engineer - Officer Benedict Beverley - He/Him - Chief Engineer @ The Grand Geode - Watchful | Persuasive

The hot shot engineer and golden boy of the Grand Geode, Beverley is a sequencer who’s best known for his wonderful designs of prototype dawnlight explosives. Bastard. Deeply in denial. He’s desperate to test them out and bring the dawn to the population of London, but he’s even more desperate to recover his lost prototype… and find his missing partner. [Has a Sunless Skies verison - The Scintillating Harbinger!]

The Hell Scarred Surgeon - Dr. Laurence Frost - He/Him - Medical Officer & Interrogator @ The Grand Geode - Dangerous | Watchful

Veteran of the War on Hell in 68’ and currently a respected doctor & chemist within the New Sequence, Laurence is a deadpan bastard who loves his work. All of it. Known for having a relationship with Isobel & Vincent that led to him becoming Beverley’s legal guardian after their deaths, as well as having complicated feelings about the Grand Geode’s authority. As loyal as he is to the Sequence, he’s even more loyal to the Beverley family.

The Gregarious Commander - Commander Vincent Beverley - He/Him - Commander & Recruiter @ The Grand Geode - Persuasive | Dangerous

One of the New Sequence’s most prolific recruitment officers, Vincent was a conman looking to profit off the Admiralty in the years following London’s fall… but lost himself entirely in the process. Now he’s deeply in love with Isobel, the woman that ‘saved’ him, as well as his favorite doctor. He’s frighteningly good at charming souls into joining the Dawn Machine’s light, in order to ‘save’ them too. Charismatic, silly, & utterly empty inside. Died mysteriously when Beverley was young. [Dead as of FL canon!]

The Discreet Artificer - Isobel Beverley - She/Her - Former Engineer @ The Grand Geode - Watchful | Shadowy

A former engineer that helped build the Dawn Machine, Isobel lost the majority of her sight after venturing deep into the Machine’s heart to perform an emergency repair. The experience left her with even more of an undying love for the machine, and now with the aid of her husband Vincent as a figurehead, she’s been creating her own sect on the Grand Geode. A soft spoken woman with a knack for manipulation and collecting unwell spouses. Died mysteriously when Beverley was young. [Dead as of FL canon!]

Side Game PCs:

The Wide-Eyed Venturer - Doctor-Captain Everett Shaw-Fitzpatrick - SSkies PC - He/They - Captain of the Uncommon Denominator - Hearts | Mirrors

Shaw and Vivian’s son, who spent his teen years raised on stories of their adventures in the Neath. Now, he’s taken to the skies to make a story of his own, after a brief stint learning medicine in Vienna. He’s got all the smarts, but none of the cutthroat energy of his parents. What could go wrong?

Inactive Characters:

The Rake-In-Violant / The Malcontent Seamstress - Emile Rainier - He/She - Light Fingers - ‘Socialite’ / Thief - Shadowy | Persuasive

The Everdrowned Reaver - Captain Verily - Sunless Seas PC - She/They/It - Captain of the Double or Nothing - Irons | Hearts

Character Tags:

#August Shaw

#B

#Vivian Fitzpatrick

#The Ravenous Acumen

#Officer Beverley

#The Hell Scarred Surgeon

#The Gregarious Commander

#The Discreet Artificer

#Lenore Shaw

#Doctor Captain Everett

#The Rake In Violant

#Captain Verily

Character Relationship Tags:

August Shaw & B - #Detective duo

A depressed detective set on revenge and a lost playwright drunk on freedom take up lodgings together. A strangely charged and mildly codependent friendship.

August Shaw & The Manager of the Royal Bethlehem Hotel - #cuneiform curses

Yeah, it turns out being wracked with guilt and constantly going insane has some consequences! In Shaw’s case, the consequences are catching some complicated feelings for the hat man. Go figure.

August Shaw & Vivian Fitzpatrick - #(un)loveable hand

The bloodthirsty wife he abandoned and the self flagellating husband she swore to surpass. Extremely complicated divorced couple who’ve changed in more ways than one.

The Shaw-Fitzpatrick Family (August, Vivian, Lenore, Everett) - #in the blood

A family charged with sorrow, who all seem to have a tendency to wield their pain like knives. General tag for the family’s background, themes, and vibes.

August Shaw & The Ravenous Acumen - #worst laid plans

An endless game of cat and mouse - or at least, it should be, provided the killer can get her chosen opponent to survive what’s coming. Psychosexual mind games, and weirdly supportive ones at that.

B & Officer Benedict Beverley - #best and brightest

Two best friends, perfect partners, who build a maddening machine. One chose their own ambition over the other’s safety - but who’s who is up for debate. Neither is entirely happy with the outcome. Longing, Cults, and heartbreak, o my!

Laurence, Vincent, & Isobel - #photokeratitis

The almighty Sequencer Throuple. Forged in cult indoctrination and violently codependent tendencies, these three have a complicated but deeply loving relationship built on trust and communication. This is a bad thing.

Doctor-Captain Shaw-Fitzpatrick & Skies!Beverley - #horseshoes and hand grenades

The most dangerous Captain of Her Majesty’s fleet… and the traveler that just can’t help but ruin his day. Religiously. Wile E. Coyote and Roadrunner type shit until one of them gets feelings about it.

B & Emile Rainier - #red letter days

Vivian Fitzpatrick & Emile Rainier - #arsenic and old lace

[mischievouslittlecreature]

I've written and rewritten this post so many times, and I've debated even posting it at all.

And before we begin: I am not trying to make anyone feel bad, or place blame on anyone. I understand that many of you were manipulated or worse. But this is part of how this jackass and his behavior affected me, so I want to talk about it.

The first time I looked at his blog, it was after the wonderful @shelbydelrey messaged me to warn me that there was a new person in the fandom actively attacking Grace fans. Because I write many Tommy x Grace x OC-centric fics, I was concerned, so I took a peak at his blog to see what was going on.

And I have to say, I have never felt so unwelcome in (at least a part) of a fandom in my life.

Something I haven't seen discussed a ton is just the blatant bullying and misogyny that this man publicly displayed. Post after post of him attacking Grace fans, picking fights, laughing at them, shaming them, hurling insults at them...He'd go out of his way to find content featuring Grace and comment hate on them, and then laugh about it with his followers. And this misogyny wasn't exclusive to Grace, but seemed to spread to other women as well, just based on some of the non-Grace related posts I also saw that he made.

Now, I actually don't give a shit whether people like Grace or not. I personally have a soft spot for her, but I don't expect other people to share in my feelings, and I respect their opinions. Most of the time, if I see a post hating on her, I just keep scrolling.

But this...this really got to me. It was so disheartening to see someone behave in what-- at least to me--was such a blatantly and obviously misogynistic way while being cheered and egged on by a significant part of the fandom. It made me feel so uncomfortable and unwelcome. And considering his popularity and how so many people seemed to see no problem with his behavior, it made me question if I was even welcome in this fandom at all, and several times I considered deleting my blog and my fics and leaving entirely.

I'm not going to lie; it broke my view of this fandom a little bit. I can't begin to describe how saddening it was to see that this behavior was not only accepted, but actively enabled and seemingly practiced by so many. Obviously now I know that there were far more complicated things going on behind the curtain, but at the time, that's what it appeared to me: that an extremely large part of the fandom saw nothing wrong with speaking about women--real or fictional--in horrifically offensive and demeaning ways, and openly bullying those who did not share their views on certain characters/parts of canon.

I became paranoid, even after blocking him, that he or one of his followers would find my blog, and I would be the next target of a barrage of hate and harassment. So I blocked most people I saw associating with him (I've unblocked most of you now). Because it felt like that only way to protect myself. Not only did I not want to ever be associated with the kind of behavior he displayed on his blog, but I also was terrified of getting dogpiled onto by his followers, even for the simple act of having blocked him. I was literally convinced that if my blog was noticed by him or anyone closely associated with him, I would get run out of the fandom. So I chose to remain in my own little bubble of mutuals who I trust, and did not make any significant efforts to reach out to or connect with new people.

Again, this is not me trying to call anyone out except for him. I know many of you--or at least, I hope many of you--did not intend to enable a misogynist monster or a bully. And ultimately he was the one who created this hostile environment, and it is very possible, knowing now that he has a habit of making alternative accounts, that many of his "followers" who showed support for his behavior may have just been him on other accounts, or sending himself asks via anon.

I don't really have a specific point to this post. I just wanted to share these feelings somewhere, I suppose. I hate this man for what he has done to so many of you and this entire community. And for how he made me feel so frightened and unwelcome by huge parts of this fandom.

[tsunael]

22 20 Dawntrail Inspired Questions

I decided to answer these on my own because I didn't want to rely on other people to send them lol. Thank you to those who did!

Obvious Dawntrail spoilers below:

1. Why did they agree to accompany Wuk Lamat to Tural?

I think she was kind of aimless. I'm unsure if she had any hand in the Myths of The Realm quests, or the patch quests canonically since she had just recovered from a long stint in the hospital, and a technical break-up. So, with the Scions disbanded, and the Rising Stones empty, I think she became disillusioned with her life. I think Shadowbringers and Endwalker back-to-back was also extremely difficult for her. Besides that, most-- if not all-- of the issues that come up during MSQ can be solved by Y'shtola and the others. I want to say they called on her for the Aetherfont and to go to The First (out of necessity), but that's about it. Obviously its inevitable that she get dragged into some plot against her will since that's kind of her theme. Anyway. Aimless, as I said. I think G'raha had a large part in her undertaking it, if only to see new sights and to find herself again in knowing she was lost. His words before her departure stuck with her.

2. What was the first thing they did when they arrived in Tuliyollal?

The beach! She's always loved the sea and how it reminds her of home. I think Alisaie would have urged her to go (teasingly) because she'd grown so pale. So, maybe a bit of sun bathing... she is a Raen, after all.

3. What was their initial impression of the four claimants? How did this change over the course of the story?

Unpleasant. Koana's reliance on technology immediately earned her mistrust, as well as his lack of heart. She'd known far too many men just like him. Zoraal Ja and Bakool Ja Ja were just simply terrifying at first. Mamool Ja are not native to the East and known for being sellswords in Eorzea, on top of being very imposing and unfriendly. Wuk Lamat... was Wuk Lamat. There was a good heart to make up for her lack of brains. I don't believe much changed over the course, though her stance on Koana and Wuk Lamat softens, she would have doubts about their leadership considering they're so young-- but it ultimately is not her concern. Triumphing over an adversary does not make a world leader, and they no longer have their father for guidance.

4. What is their impression of Gulool Ja Ja? Do they agree with his method of cultivating leadership?

Terrifying at first, until she spoke at length with him. Despite appearances, she couldn't deny that he was a good man who had genuine love for his people. His way of cultivating leadership had merit, though she wondered how his children were so far removed from their people to begin with that they had to learn it in such a difficult way. Oddly, it made her miss her own father-- they both showed their love in twisted ways.

5. How do they feel about Wuk Lamat looking up to them as a mentor figure? Did this attitude change as the story progressed?

Uncomfortable, and that did not change. It's undue pressure, and she doesn't feel worthy when the Scions have done just as much, if not more for the star. Besides that, Tsuna's never liked her title, nor the boon that it gives her when those around her find out who she is. People tend to look at her differently. The title, 'Warrior of Light' has always been disingenuous, she thinks, as she wasn't even present at Carteneau. She's only ever wanted to just be herself.

6. How did they feel about competing against Thancred and Urianger?

Haha. Well. It wouldn't be the first time Urianger had betrayed them, so for him to turn tail yet again wasn't news. However... Since before even their reunion at the Aetherfont, Thancred had started to become closed off to her. For the two of them to show their faces, and pledge their allegiance to another without so much as a word only added to the perceived offense. Thancred also dropped a ceiling on her head, so... A part of her was waiting for the moment where they might talk at length about their relationship, what went wrong, etc... but as the workaholic he is (or in purposefully avoiding her) he ensured she never got the chance. Her anger only plateaued, though it was never about them offering their services to another.

7. Were they happy with the outcome of the rite of succession?

She would have liked no better outcome. Wuk Lamat and Koana complete each other, that much was plain.

8. Why did they want to explore Xak Tural? Were they happy to have Erenville along as a guide or would they have preferred to explore on their own?

I think she left because she needed time for herself, as she was scarcely idle for the entire trip. There were many feelings she needed to sort out still, and after the succession ceremony she was left feeling strangely devoid. Erenville, however, was a welcome companion. He doesn't speak often, which afforded her some much-needed peace, and when he did it was always with purpose. Being a gleaner and native of the land both, she held his knowledge in the highest regard.

9. What was going through their mind when the dome dropped?

Thal's gilded... halls.

10. What were their first impressions of the Alexandrians?

11. What was their initial impression of Sphene? How did this change as the story progressed?

Here.

12. What was their opinion of the culture of recycling souls and the use of regulators? Did this change as the story progressed?

Wrong on all accounts, and her feelings did not change. Solution 9 was a city of vice and excess to her, and to use people's souls as a handicap, currency, and a commodity went wholly against the natural world as she knew it. They were so far removed from the land and what made them human that they had forgotten the sanctity of life-- she would hesitate to consider that 'culture'. A part of her understood it, even if she was against it. Deep down, who doesn't want to live a carefree life, free of pain?

13. What was their initial impression of Cahciua?

Uncomfortable, considering she was a strange, floating... device. Moreso she found her annoyingly forward, yet managing to be cagey. Keeping key information locked away, yet asking the world of them only made things more difficult.

14. How did they feel about the Endless?

The dead should be allowed to rest, but she would not be the one to send them off. Her thoughts went to dear Haurchefant, and the endless purgatory she unwittingly sent him to.

15. What was their experience like in Living Memory?

Bad. A strange town full of contraptions made for the amusement of the living, yet she was surrounded by ghosts. It reminded her of Amarout-- positively soul-crushing. Then, she had to bear witness to her friends saying their goodbyes to their parents... it only made her miss her own that much more.

16. What are their thoughts about the Key?

A cursed object that should not exist, and one that she would rather not have in her possession. But, if it truly can open the door to other shards, then she would do anything in her power to reunite her friends with their loved ones on The First before it's too late. Alternatively, If its connection to Azem is real, and is something WoL can perceive, then she might feel more positively about it.

17. The theme of family and legacy is repeated throughout Dawntrail—did this theme resonate with your character? Were there specific moments relating to family that impacted them?

Here.

18. What important relationships changed or developed throughout Dawntrail?

Her anger and hurt towards Thancred has regressed to their Heavensward levels... Add in a healthy dose of longing and lovesickness for a recipe for disaster. Her relationship with G'raha has only strengthened. He had ever been kind to her, and it was by his words that she went on her journey to Tural in the first place. It only took her to be at her lowest for her to finally notice him. Erenville became an unexpected friend. He softened up by the end of their journey, though isn't someone she would seek out for companionship. Wuk Lamat sees her as a big sister, and in her, Tsuna has found someone she can rely on. Same with Alisaie, their bond stayed relatively the same, however, they spent much of their time together.

19. What was their favorite location in Tural?

Kozama'uka. The carved out caves with bioluminescent mosses and fireflies were breathtaking, and their many waterways and dense forests reminded her of home. Though in the lower areas, the air was extremely humid without much sun to dry her scales in.

20. Do they lean more Tuliyollal or more Solution Nine?

Tuliyollal. She would take a port-city that is full of flora and fauna over a place devoid entirely of heart. She's also still very upset about the soylent.

21. If they had to summarize their journey in Tural, what would they say?

A decent vacation-turned-terrible that left her more tired than when she first set off. The storm that nearly killed the lot of them should have been taken as a sign. If Nymeia wanted her dead, she ought to not miss next time.

22. What are they doing now?

SHE'S LEISURING, BITCH. leave her alone.

[zonkedzori]

Charmed!, I'm sure

There are so many things I want to write about my experience at Charmed, and I may do so at some point, but the thing that stuck with me the most was the sense of community I felt there.

I became more active in the online community back in 2020 and it definitely had its ups and downs. I'm someone who does better talking with people in person, so trying to translate that into an online medium was definitely a bit more difficult than I originally thought. On one hand it was really nice to finally have a way of talking to people who shared an interest in hypnosis but I couldn't help but feel kind of isolated. I lurked for a while before actually talking to people and sometimes I felt like I couldn't interact the way I wanted to because my sex repulsion would make me uncomfortable in certain spaces. Eventually I found places where I felt more comfortable. From there I met people who I've become good friends with through discord and twitter, and I can't imagine still being active online today if it hadn't been for them. It was, and still is at times, really difficult to keep up conversations with people that I couldn't meet up with in person easily which lead to me falling in and out of communications over the years. It was even harder in terms of actually doing hypnosis because I had a hard time feeling involved in the trance. Eventually I was able to meet up with some of my online friends in person for a nice vacay which really was the beginning of me realizing how important it is for me to be in person with my friends and hypno partners. The online community is wonderful and I have had some great experiences because of it but I can't help but sometimes feel that there is something lacking for me.

For the years that I'd been floating around the community I'd heard a lot about the various cons that people have gone to and I was interested for sure. I wasn't sure I'd attend one because that was a big leap for someone who already has a hard time talking to people. I really only went to Charmed because a friend of mine asked me to join them so they didn't go alone. I was actually really glad they asked me because I don't think I would have actually gone to an in-person con without them. I started off really excited to finally be in a space filled with hypno nerds, but as I got closer to the day of my flight the anxiety started kicking it. I was really nervous because I feel like such a novice in this community of people who have been messing with each others brains for years. I wasn't sure I was ready to put myself out there like that so in order to sooth my nerves I told myself that I would just watch and not participate. I would later find out that I couldn't have been more wrong. I had some of the most memorable interactions at the con both hypnotic and just talking to people.

Getting to the actual hotel was absolutely terrifying. I didn't know what to expect. Standing in a room full of people buzzing about this shared interest was intimidating at first because I didn't know where to start. Thankfully I quickly learned that people were EXTREMELY friendly and by the first day I had already talked to way more people than I thought I would. I met some people that I would end up talking to for the entire con and others that were nice to just chat with in passing. I got to do hypnosis with some really cool people and that blew my tiny, terrified mind. I won't go into detail about the actual shenanigans I got up to, but I want to generally talk about the people that I met in two groups. One are the people that I've been following online and the other are the people I met for the first time at the con.

Lurking online for years means that you become aware of a lot of the bigger names in the community. That also means that when you hear you're going to be in a shared space with people who have contributed so much it's hard not to get a little nervous. After I got past the first day nerves I realized how nice it was to be surrounded by people who have more experience than me. I went to classes that were ran by names I had seen everywhere online and I learned so much. The classes I went to not only gave me a better idea of how and why the whole thing works but they also made the idea of exploring and making things fit what I wanted hypnosis to be more attainable. I am still nervous about participating sometimes but I can think back to those classes and realize that I am more in control of the experiences that I want to have than I think. Not only were the classes insightful but just being in rooms filled with people who shared their years of doing hypnosis through small anecdotes between friends was really nice. I loved watching people recount the interactions they've had with such excitement; I could genuinely feel the love people had for the craft when they talked. It made talking to these people who I had held on a small pedestal so much more enjoyable because at their heart they're just people who love doing the same thing I do. It was a very grounding experience that made me feel so much more connected to people that were mini celebrities to me. I still respect all that these people have done for the community but now I feel like I can talk about it from the standpoint of equals and that's an amazing feeling.

There were also so many people who I had never heard of in the community but that I'm so glad that I met. Sometimes the community can feel a lot smaller when you see the same names around you all the time. I know I sometimes forget that there are corners of the hypno community that I have never even heard of let alone touched. Being able to meet so many new people was extremely nice and made me realize that there will always be someone new to meet that I might vibe with. There were people that I'd never heard of that were making their own stories, art, and other contributions to the community that I was extremely surprised to see. I am now friends with so many more people who can share in this weird little corner of the world. Meeting them in person has made talking to them online so much easier too. Now I feel like I can actually connect with the people that I see on the other side of the screen and I am so grateful for that. I really appreciate all the people who made me feel so welcomed and talked to me despite us never having met each other before then. For the people that I met that I talk to more often I can't wait until we get to see each other in person again. For those that I've talked to in passing I'm so glad that our paths crossed and hopefully they will again.

As someone who has been struggling to find community in hypnosis it was really nice to find that in Charmed. People will always be people and at the end of the day you will never get along with everybody, but to be in a place where consent is taken very seriously and everyone is excited over the same nerdy, sexy hobby is an extremely comforting feeling. I'm sure I'm still in the puppy love stages with in-person events and after time I'll be able to view things without rose-colored glasses, but I'm so happy I got to meet people within the community. Overall my first con experience has reinvigorated my love for hypnosis and has made me excited to see everyone at the next one I can attend.

[growling]

Top 10 favourite narcissist moments

parasocial hatred. we never talked and I'm not sure you know I exist but I fucking hate you and hope the worst happens to you

getting so pissed over actual talented people that get like 50+ notes minimum for every art and endless praise from their 100+ followers every damn day whining about how much their art sucks and nobody appreciates them or whatever. like shut the fuck up do you just not know how good you have it or are you just fishing for attention. nevermind i have already decided which one and i decided i want you boiled in a pot

not being able to have a normal one without a constant string of supply aka attention and praise from everyone. every time someone talks to me or compliments my epic art skillz or acknowledges me in any way I get such a high I feel like a literal god and feeling giddy nonstop for the whole day, then it fades i start to feel a bit too ignored these past 2 days and a half and i just feel so empty and terrible and my world is destroyed and i need to hurt something now- oh someone said im cool again nevermind i have been fixed the universe is beautiful my future is bright mentally healthy people want me carnally

having a really fucked relationship with the concept of "unconditional love" everything is conditional what are you talking about. and "love" in general, when i say i'm loveless, whether romantically or platonically, i mean it. that doesn't mean i cannot get attached to people or care about them in some other way, no i am not going to explain it in detail right now

there is zero point in talking to anyone else or getting into any relationships because none of these people could ever be on my level. their thinking is so shallow and stupid and they all behave so predictably and enjoy the most nonsensical of things and it's like everyone just gets something that i don't and they're inferior in every way but it feels like they are out for me specifically because I'm not like them and as soon as they find me out I will never be safe there. It's lonely and terrifying but yeah sure I'm the asshole apparently because I secretly feel superior or whatever. contrary to popular opinion being extremely self-centered is not a positive thing for the guy that has it

not caring about anything that doesn't concern me specifically in any way. it's all "support people with low empathy" until they can't ""make up"" for it with high sympathy or just trying harder or something. Everything bad that ever happens is here just for my entertainment or an annoyance. vents and crying and whatnot make me incredibly uncomfortable or annoyed and i mean i will try to listen (because i am a wonderful kind person) but i will have zero idea on how to respond because thorought the entirety of it i didn't really pay attention and just kinda thought "oh my god stfu i don't careeee when can i leave" while envisioning rain code amvs in my mind. unless you unlock my easter egg that is

only doing nice things for praise and making people love me or just to feel good for being such a great person, and getting incredibly dissapointed and sometimes really pissed whenever they're not grateful enough

wow society is a shitshow i don't respect literally any of you people. i should run away and live away from everybody forever but i need to acquire my riches and fame first which will not be hard whatsoever. the struggle never ends

just. lying all the time. and not being able to tell whether you actually like somebody or their attention.

not seeing other people as people (i know they are, it doesn't change that i still feel they aren't), having to slowly spend enough time talking with them and find out enough information on them in order to start seeing them as an actual person. if i don't know who you are then you just aren't that important in the great scheme of things. and if i do know you and get attached (and maybe you also happen to have traits that make you special and better than others almost like me which makes me like you even more) then I decide you're my person now. not in a weird or entitled way, it's just how many of us show protectiveness and whatnot thanks radiostaticsmile for putting that into words. I do feel a bit of an ownership over people I like, kinda like a cat or dog with their people. i'm really not escaping the kittycat allegations am i. god damn it.

[nitw]

hello tumblr user nitw

i am a person who enjoys the game night in the woods very much. i am also a person who experiences similar dissociation/derealization/delusions/unreality stuffs (idk what it is i'm not about to get diagnosed) that mae does, and the ending of the game always triggers those stuffs for a few days afterwards. (i still come back and play even though it gives me psychic damage because that game is so Fuckjng good)

so. my question is. will i be hurt by echo vn? i know there's horror (i think?) but idk what kind of horror, i wanna go into it as blind as possible, is there like? unreality horror? mental illness horror? i think i will play it anyway, i just wanna be warned. is there like a list of trigger warnings somewhere

HI HI HI i'm honored you chose to reach out to me about this !!

to put it simply: yes, the whole echo franchise IS horror at its core and a big amount of that horror DOES stem from themes of dissociation, hallucination, and loss of identity.

the only reason i can really handle echo myself is due to the lack of traditional jumpscares. nothing's gonna make a super loud noise while a scary face launches at you or anything like that! but the writing and execution of it all is still terrifying.

the main character of echo in particular, chase, was traumatized as a kid and has been prone to dissociating and hallucinating since. he also frequently gets sleep paralysis doubled with extremely intense nightmares. as the game plays out mainly from chase's point of view, these episodes are described in very explicit detail, and often the visuals and audio of the game will change in subtle ways to match what he's experiencing. most of what makes echo scary is how good it is at making you feel like you ARE in chase's shoes, even something like an awkward confrontation with his friends can be sooooo uncomfortable because of how well it's written.

some parts of the story also delve deep into gaslighting and feeling like you can't trust yourself, that could definitely also fuck with some people.

honestly, from what you told me, this might not be the right game for you!!! there's a lot of other things to be said about echo's horror and generally sensitive content, but i think the rest just boils down to your own tastes in horror, which is a whole different conversation. PLEASE keep these things in mind if you consider checking out the game!!!!

[karatekamania]

ok I'm gonna be mean to karate joe and make more shit up about him,,, I think he had a reputation as a kid (and into adulthood) for being super physically tough and scary because of his training/abilities and that ended up making shit harder for him (under cut bc long)

like the kids he lived near would be scared of Karate Joe Who Lives Down The Street And Only Does Karate and they're like "ohhh I heard he can hit rocks with his bare fists!" and maybe there's rumours about him beating up a kid super bad once. and maybe he did bc he didn't realise how strong he was, and the kid was being mean or he was overwhelmed or something but yeah he gets a Big Scary Reputation and that makes it hard for him to make friends. and maybe this bled into him growing up and becoming a semi-public figure and just being seen as this Big Scary Tough Guy.

I also saw a headcanon I liked (original post was from years ago and I don't think I'll ever see it again sadly) which said like. a hug from him would be way tighter/stronger than he intended bc he doesn't fully realise how strong he is (and also to me at least. maybe an autism thing)

and this all like resulted in him being just. super terrified of hurting anyone. like he's terrified he'll lose control of his emotions one day and hurt someone, even though his default response to being angry/upset is just to freeze or dissociate or repress it (which to me might partially be because of said fear of hurting anyone). like it's fine in tournaments BC they're like. fights I guess (I should probably read up about actual karate competitions for accuracy lmao but like. he'd be competing against someone who's fighting back and knows what they're doing).

but I said ages ago that nobody's really been gentle with him to me and just like. maybe he thinks he can't be gentle himself too? like he spent his life with this reputation for being a Scary Tough Guy and fighting people and his hands are all tough and calloused and scarred and it all just weighs down on him???? he's scared he's like an imposition and only able to hurt and be hurt?????

like he'd be terrified of hugging someone or holding their hand too hard or just like. making anyone uncomfortable in general. so on top of being extremely touch starved he just really really struggles with the concept that anyone would want physical affection from him... so it just makes it really really hard.... even worse is that he is naturally a v tactile person to me and wants to hold someone tightly and be held,,, and he's just kinda repressed that all away and convinced himself he's not that kind of person... he's not made for that. martial arts competitions and hugging his pillow to sleep are the closest he thinks he'll ever get

idk just projecting kinda because I'm tall and not exactly lanky and autistic and physically affectionate and have self esteem issues and I kinda feel like this,,, I've sat out of cuddle piles w friends because I don't wanna hurt anyone and don't see my presence there as wanted guhhhh but it's 10000000 times worse for him!!!!!!! and then Someone comes along and does want to be close and affectionate with him and Joe wants that tooooooo but it's so hard and he has to learn!!!! ughhhh !!! I'm insane!!!

[nothing0fnothing]

Have any of you ever recovered from a human bite? Because Jesus it's rough and I'm gonna vent about experience with it.

I was bitten on the scalp by my mother when I was eighteen. She was mad I couldn't fit through a door that only opened about 40cm, so she attempted to drag my body through the gap in the door, and when I got stuck she just began attacking every part of my body that she could get to.

She dug nails into my arms and face, left grazes across my body where it made contact with the door and the fame, punched my face, kicked my leg and worst of all, bit my scalp so hard it broke skin.

It was a crazy kind of thing. The type of thing that makes you realise this person isn't normal, this person isn't safe. This person who is supposed to care and protect me just went to all lengths to deal me trauma and pain.

I was made homeless directly after the attack, so going to the hospital or receiving basic first aid didn't seem high priority. So I never received it. The recovery was terrible.

In the first 6 or so hours after the attack, the bite site started to swell and feel hot and tender. It was so sore and painful I didn't even have the courage to clean the affected area. It hurt to touch any part around the bite and it was hard to sleep.

I stayed at a friend's spare bedroom and when I woke up roughly 14 hours after the bite, I had full body aches and chills. My neck and shoulders felt stiff. I felt cold even though whole body was burning up. I had a killer headache and I felt like I'd contracted the flu. I was convinced this was just a reaction to the stress of being attacked the day before. I had no idea human bites are as dangerous as they are. They're some of the highest risk bites to people. If you're ever bitten by a human and it breaks skin, you absolutely need to be smarter than I was and get medical treatment or first aid right away.

I got dressed and went to school. Where I felt lethargic and drowsy all day. The pain in my bite was now throbbing and I finally, 20 hours after the bite incident, had a the common sense realisation that I should probably wash the bite site.

I was in the girls toilet in my college. I used antibacterial soap out of the dispenser and leaned my head into the basin to flush the wound out with warm water.

It hurt like fuck. It had scabbed over and was incredibly swollen, so breaking up the scab with dispenser soap stung like a bastard. I was hissing and cursing with my head in a sink in my free period when my head of year saw me and asked what I was doing.

It was such an uncomfortable thing to explain.

Sorry sir, I'm just cleaning up a wound because last night I was bitten. Yes on the scalp. By my mum. Yeah it really hurts.

He had known about a different extreme blow up that happened in my home a few weeks prior and he knew I hadn't been staying at my parents house the last few weeks.

I had to explain how I was lured home with the promise I was wanted back and things would be better, only to become the victim of the assault minutes after I walked through the front door.

I could tell he had never dealt with a situation this bad before and I felt awful, I really did. I was sat in his office, shivering and pale with soaking wet hair and it was obvious he had no idea what to do with me. He couldn't send me home. He couldn't keep me here.

I came into college sick and shivering for a few days before eventually the sickness subsided and I recovered from the bite. I was still blotchy with bruises and cuts by the time the infection was gone. My right side of my body was tender and sore and grazed. It meant it was hard to do anything without it hurting.

I walked around with no confidence, terrified of everyone and everything for a couple of weeks after the incident. Anything could hurt me so I avoided other students for the whole time. I used my free periods to sit alone in the study area with a cup of coffee just, spacing out into oblivion.

He checked in on me every once in a while. I remember I once spaced out in the post traumatic stress haze I was in, I completely missed the bell that prompted me I needed to be in class.

He could see me in the study area from his desk in the office and I think he noticed I'd just been sitting blankly for 40 minutes and hadn't moved when I was supposed to be in class. He very kindly sat next to me and asked if I was okay. It scared the shit out of me but it also meant a lot that he cared, you know?

[hardheaded-municipalist]

[agender + cis guy] dysphoria (bigender, I suppose)

I just see fields of different amounts of shit when I look at the gender landscape.

Libido

Hard to tell if this is an asexual-dysphoria thing or an agender-dysphoria thing. I enjoy reading books or playing video games at night. This gets in the way and it just makes me feel extremely frustrated. There is no proper NEED that my body is making me fulfill... It just reminds me that I have to do bullshit upkeep that makes me uncomfortable. I really do not care for masturbation. I would go at least several weeks without doing it ideally. It just feels like I get a higher dose than I want.

Solution: Progestorone.

Reproductive functions

Hard to tell if this is an asexual-dysphoria thing, a child-free thing, or an agender-dysphoria thing. I really fuckin hate that my body has entered itself into the reproduction game of human society. I have genetic conditions that I'd like a person to never inherit. People have described "sex is beautiful because it's how we create" and I just want to get away from that quote as far as I possibly can.

Solution: Vasectomy.

Facial hair

I don't mind facial hair, tbh. It's just very annoying to have to shave/scissor-cut to maintain a very annoying amount of hair. If I had permanent light stubble, I'd prefer it.

Solution: Laser therapy.

Gendered name

The given name is {male}. I just want to forget that gender is a meaningful divide in the world I live in...

Solution: New gender-neutral name.

Preference for mixed-gender friendship groups

I prefer having friendship groups that are mixed-gender, so that gender isn't a common feature, because I inevitably do not quite relate to that stuff.

Solution: Make more mixed-gender friendship groups.

Role reversal

I do feel cis... in this way: dipping toes into gender norms only to transgress against them... Despite the fact that I am hetero, I feel straight culture reinforces gender norms. I hate it so fucking much.

Solution: Ace role reversal romance, when???

Crossdressing

I do feel cis... in this way: dipping toes into gender norms only to transgress against them... Despite the fact that I am cis... if I were in a relationship with someone else, proper crossdressing (not just androgyny) would be fun. [Only to dip toes for me... They can do what they want.]

Solution: Ace role reversal romance, when???

Androgynous clothing

I prefer clothing that is androgynous/gender-neutral/genderless. I just want to forget that gender is a meaningful divide in the world I live in...

Solution: more androgynous clothing

Pronouns

I want to forget gendered pronouns exist. I would prefer there was only one set of pronouns, so I don't have to ponder this question. I guess I'm used to [he] at the moment. I think with certain people I know well, I'll eventually prefer [they]. These agender thoughts are pretty private to me, and I don't currently have such a preference.

Solution: Keep an eye on this, yet to be determined. TLDR = TBA.

Genitals

Penis is good for peeing. Point and shoot. Nice and simple. Thoughts about not having a penis are kind of... terrifying. I'd carry a "female urination device" around with me in a backpack if I had to.

Solution: Keep things as they are.

Breasts

Seem to be more trouble than they're worth. Having to remember to wash more clothing seems like a pain.

Solution: Keep things as they are.

Softer skin, smoother hair, other HRT effects

Neutral. I don't care about this stuff.

Solution: Keep things as they are.

Shoulder hair

I don't know if this is an agender thing or a me thing. What The Fuck is shoulder hair????? two small patches on the skin above the shoulder [specifically the skin above the acromion]. One patch for each shoulder.

Solution: Hair removal cream. Waxing. Laser therapy.

[wisteria-lodge]

un-burning lion primary (snake morality) + snake secondary

Hello, I could use some help figuring out my secondary. I'm a Snake primary, but I can't for the life of me figure out whether my true secondary is Snake or Lion. Sorry, this gets kind of trauma-dump-y. Please don't feel obligated to respond if it's too much.

For context, my father is a religious fanatic, the loudest and stubbornest Lion I've ever known, and the cause of most of my trauma. My mother is a Snake and self-appointed interpersonal damage control for my father.

Sounds like we've got the co-dependent/enabling thing going on. That's going to make you feel some sort of way about Lion AND Snake primaries.

Now because of the aforementioned trauma, I'm extremely conflict avoidant. I'm often too scared to even make reasonable requests, and arguing triggers my freeze and fawn response even when I'm just witnessing it and not directly involved.

Yep. That's a thing. And a recipe for Burning, in the terminology of this system.

On the surface, my secondary seems very Snake. In social situations, I read the people around me and adjust my performance accordingly without consciously thinking about it. When I feel backed into a corner, I just play along, lying as needed. As long as the other person or people involved aren't my People, the only guilt I feel about acting Snakish is just a distant-feeling residue from my religious upbringing. When those I'm interacting with are my People, I still don't feel too guilty about tailoring the way I act to them, so long as I'm not lying or being self-servingly manipulative.

So far this could just be a Snake secondary. I know that building Snake secondary models to survive unstable or unsafe situations is absolutely a thing, but you... seem to enjoy it?

When I catch myself lying to one of my People, it's either a defensive move relating to something I don't feel safe letting them know the whole truth of (e.g., letting my mother know the extent of my queerness or my rejection of the religion I was raised in) or a very minor lie that accidentally slipped out for no particular reason I can think of (usually saying I don't know/understand something that I actually do. This may be related to certain elements of my upbringing). In both cases, I feel guilty in a deeper, more personal way. However, the defensive lying seems like a difficult necessity, and the accidental lying seems harmless enough that I can get over it fairly easily.

Both of these examples I think are just... people things.

I'd say that not letting your mother (and then potentially your fanatical father) know that you're a queer atheist is just... smart? And lying to say "no please explain" "yes I've seen that show" just to... keep the conversation going, avoid conflict, build community. THAT'S a Human Thing, as well.

When I catch myself being manipulative toward my People though, I feel extremely guilty, sometimes to the point that it leads to a panic attack. However, I wasn't always nearly so careful to avoid manipulating my People. When I was a kid, I was an absolutely terrible friend. I was controlling and constantly fishing for compliments from my friends by self-deprecating, even though this clearly made them very uncomfortable. At the same time however, I was obsessed with fairness and terrified of being selfish, so I have no idea why I didn't realize sooner that acting this way toward my friends was unfair and selfish.

You were under-confident (and probably convinced/told that you could never be good enough - ie "terrified of being selfish") and had an unstable home base. So I'm not surprised at all that this translated into fishing for compliments from, and trying to control your friends. Give yourself a break. You were a kid. You're allowed to be kind of an asshole when you're a kid.

(I tend to think that it's your environment and not yourself to blame until you're at least 12 or so.)

Whatever the reason, I didn't make an effort to stop doing this until I was around twelve.

^^^ see above. Personally, I think you're free and clear.

To this day, the way I treated my childhood friends is one of my deepest regrets, and I worry that I might slip back into those old habits if I'm not careful.

I'm... not that worried. Although this focus on immutable personal identity is very much an Internal primary thing (Snake + Lion.)

Despite my fear of being manipulative, Snake secondary still seems like the best way to go about things. Bird and Badger seem to require too much effort that might not pay off for my taste, and Lion seems foolhardy.

Snake does seem to be in the lead here.

However. I'm secretly sort of obsessed with the idea of power. I constantly fantasize about being powerful enough to just plow through anything that stands in my way, and making people fear me enough that no one will ever try to hurt me or my People again. I feel vaguely guilty about these fantasies, especially because they involve not being bound to any sort of moral code and not needing to ever worry about the consequences of my actions. So even though I know that these fantasies are probably just a result of feeling completely powerless so often throughout my childhood, and that fantasies don't actually hurt anyone, I worry sometimes that they mean I'm a bad person.

They don't. You're fine. I'd even say that some healthy power fantasies at times when you're feeling powerless are *good* for you. And sure there's a Lion flavor here, but so many power fantasy characters are Lions that I don't think I can go and attribute a Lion secondary to you based on this. After all, there are lots of things that are fun to fantasize about that would be no fun at all if they actually happened.

Even outside of my fantasies, something about the Lion secondary way of doing things sounds satisfying in a way Snake secondary just isn't. At the same time though, putting all of myself out there for everyone to see sounds terrifying.

I'm not sure if I'm able to say if you just *like* the idea of a Lion secondary because it sounds powerful and strong. Or if you *are* a Lion secondary, and have a Snake secondary model that is very robust and you like quite a lot. Either way, I would definitely experiment with spending some time in... neutral. Not preforming for anyone, just existing.

Sometimes I feel like a coward for being too afraid to stand up for what I believe in like Lions do, but I'm also afraid of being like my father, the aforementioned extreme Lion.

This is primary stuff. And yeah, I *bet* you have some issues with putting your foot down and saying 'this feels right and this feels wrong.' But for what it's worth, I don't see any evidence of you being your father. If anything, the danger seems to be you over-correcting in the opposite direction.

Anyway, I think that's about it. It seems to come down to whether I'm a burned Lion with a Snake model, or just a traumatized Snake with religious guilt. Thanks for your time, and for any insight if you choose to answer this.

The good news is that you seem to like your Snake just fine. I really don't see any burning there, apart from some very mild, garden variety "Snake is the bad guy one."

Your primary though... if anything has taken burning it's that. There's a through line to this post where you're scared of wanting things - "too scared to even make reasonable requests" "too afraid to stand up for what I believe in"- or scared of wanting the *wrong* things - "I worry that I might slip back into those old habits," "I worry sometimes that they mean I'm a bad person."

Outside of any other context, these fears and these sentiments feel like Burnt Lion primary to me. I get that option feels unsafe because of your father, but it's something to at least think about. You might be a Snake who models Lion when their people are safe. You might be a Lion with a very Snake-looking morality. Either way, I think it's very likely that there's a Lion influence mixed in there, which you should look at when you're ready.

PS - I can't seem to hide my emotions. It might just be an autism thing, but for whatever reason, unless I'm consciously thinking about it super hard, I'm always nonverbally broadcasting how I'm really feeling, to the point that it can be a problem sometimes. And trying to hide it feels Wrong somehow, like I can't properly feel my emotions if I'm not physically expressing them.

If this isn't just an autism thing or some kind of coping mechanism, it sounds like a Lion secondary thing, right?

that is... much more of a Lion primary thing. Because the problem isn't that you're got an expressive face, it's that you sometimes have trouble feeling/identifying your emotions in your body, and that feels Wrong. And *that's* the basis of being a Lion primary.