#even if i am genuinely feeling desperate
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Hey, y'all, I'm going through a crisis right now, so I may not be as active as usual. I apologize in advance for any asks left unanswered for a while. Unfortunately, I just can't handle, well, much of anything right now. I'm sorry.
#blog post#blog update#personal#honestly i want to make a vent post#but I'm kind of terrified of making people extremely uncomfortable#because shit is fucking insane over here#seriously it is ridiculous and intense#and i have been pushed to the point of crisis#so yeah probably not the best thing to post about#even if i am genuinely feeling desperate
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Every time you think, "Oh, I don't have [x condition], I'm basically cured!" that is the devil talking. You aren't cured, you are likely going through periods of your symptoms waning. Don't cease whatever you're doing to help yourself, like medication, for instance, because it's likely you still have the conditions or symptoms, even if you aren't noticing them as frequently or severely.
#disability#this is a callout post about myself#i genuinely thought my GAD was cured because my symtoms had lessened significantly since i've transitioned#turns out my anxiety is just as killer and awful - it's just muted slightly#i am currently laying down with my brain convinced that i'm About To Have a Heart Attack#(and not in the fun demi lovato kind of way)#(that song is a little over a decade old... what the bingle)#anyway please don't do what i do whenever i experience ANY level of symptoms getting better because it will shock you...#...when those symptoms come back and remind you that you Do Indeed have [x condition]#i now know how a wolf girl feels when they say they are Actually Feral because that's how i feel rn 💀#even I'M not immune to the idea that the things i suffer from are things that can Disappear Magically 😭#it's wishful thinking and almost like... imposter syndrome because you're *so* desperate to prove to yourself you're Fine or A Faker#and you become hyperfixated on picking every tiny little waxing and waning of symptoms like you're a fortune teller#and honestly it's really stiffling and it's a lot of work to kill the cop in your head that says you are secretly Not All That Affected...#...that you're either exaggerating to the Extreme or you're just a bored faker who's trying to Get Attention (bad somehow)
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Do any of you remember a Youtube video about Re:Kinder talking about how the game is seen and percieved by some people (mostly touching upon and arguing against how it has been treated insensitively as some sort of weird legend like "ooo disturbing game with a hidden truth behind it" due to it's creator being dead), as well as talking about the charm of the game (even mentioning it's art at some point) and sadness of the themes without spoiling anything at the same time?? I remember the video avoided saying any spoilers at all and only touched on the literal plot as the kids being stuck in a dire situation in the town with all the adults dead without really getting into the why (it didn't even say one of the kids themselves was the cause— as thus, spoiler free), other than that it just touched on the emotional side of it and vaguely mentioned some scenes.
i also remember at some point the later half (at the very least if not in all of it) of the video, music by Siinamota was playing in the background. Does anyone remember seeing a video like this?
I can't seem to find it anywhere and don't even remember the exact year I watched it.😭 It was the way I found out about this game a while ago, which eventually ended up in me playing it, and I really wish I could watch it again. I thought it was a deleted video by someone called hazel as it was mentioned by a lot of people, but I found that one and it isnt it.😓 I'm wondering if anyone remembers watching something along the lines of what im describing and knows if it's still up.
#re:kinder#not art#posting this because naw i am desperate ive been looking for this video for months#i genuinely thought it could be the hazel video but it wasnt and now im back at where i started...😞#if its still up i cannot find it on youtube#but i wonder if anyone even recalls watching this at all because im worried my memory is playing with me😞#itd be rather weird though because i do recall it very vividly. it struck with me in a way i managed to remember the game by name later on#looking back on my memory of it it was a really nice video. i do agree on what it said of how people seem to treat this game#the video was really trying to make people see and appreciate the game and the themes itself instead of the glorified urban legend idea ofi#because it is true that people treat it as some “disturbing fun fact” that someone died as if it was all his legacy was😞#i dont remember it being the high quality standard editing known of video essays nowadays#oh thats all i can say i dont recall much its been a while and i dont know how much a while is ...😞#id be very happy to know if anyone can recognize anything at all. that video really got imprinted into my memory#it left me very emotional even as it didnt even tell me much about the game it still managed to express the feelings of it#ou shoutout to this video forever i love you thank you for informing me of this awesome game while letting me go blind#i was up for a ride#i wish i could see it again#really showed me one of the ending scenes and i had NO IDEA I HAD NO IDEA#oh my god what a good video i had no idea yet i was so devastated#thats all i can convey im not sure if saying “it made a deep emotional impression on me” is a good descriptor to find a video i cant find#i dont know if anyone who has seen it would have felt as emotional as i had but im not sure how else to put it
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...BIG FEELS AND BIG PLOT DEVELOPMENTS AT THE END OF THAT BOOK, HUH
#Tyto reads WoF#i know it's not the most pressing issue what with the vengeful ex-Queen and the murderous sister and all#but I still want to point out how alarming it is that the new crew are all going to be wearing seemingly radioactive rocks as jewelry now#Turtle please don't pick up strange rocks that give off their own heat for the love of all that's good#ANYWAY yeah what the actual frick is going on with Darkstalker huh. I genuinely do NOT know whether he's trustworthy or not#desperately lonely and unfairly demonized? absolutely. truly cares about Moon as a friend? I think so.#capable of integrating peacefully into modern dragon society without letting his own ego turn him into the monster he denies ever being?#....... 😬 remains to be seen#god and there's Scarlet's mysterious new accomplice(?) with the maddeningly vague physical description and also THE SCROLL(!!!!)#and i just realized we failed to get resolutions in this book for EITHER the vision of Turtle attacking Anemone OR#Flame's unique and frightening ability to sense and/or attack mindreaders????#where the HECK are we going with Flame I am going lowkey INSANE over him#ugh frick and Umber and Sora are both on the run too...!! this book is nearly as cliffhangery as Dark Secret#(though thankfully i prepared for this by checking the next book out ahead of time so i wouldn't have to wait LOL)#uhh buhh final thoughts before i force myself to go to sleep:#I love Moon and everything going on with her but I do feel like on some level it's even more of a slap in the face for poor Starflight#that the only tribe to get multiple POV characters in this first. like. extended arc(?) appears to be the NightWings#and Starflight himself doesn't get any of the tribe's unique defining features or abilities#i mean i guess the same is sort of true of Sunny and yes i know it was the POINT of book 4 that the tribe had no powers#but still idk it just feels like kicking the poor boy when he's already down. in addition to him literally getting beaten up again#(... now watch me be a total fool and the arc actually extends past book 8 or something making this point moot lol)#(I'm only assuming it ends at 8 bc that's where the previews in the back of the previous books have stopped)#EDIT: LOL yep turns out this arc does extend out to book 10 and the other POVs are Turtle and Qibli so I stand corrected.#that's what I get for nightblogging
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💭
#im having a little existential crisis now :/#im tired of being treated like and idiot and like I’m always in the way or an annoyance#whenever I’m trying to be more laidback or I try to be more assertive#- because i feel like im not being listened to it’s all still an annoyance#im tired of how automatic it is now for me to try to speak in a light ’funny’ way and how I’m treated when I’m always trying to be kind or-#nice#in general i dont like the way that i am :/ doesn’t feel like the real me just what I became so people can be nice to me in return#but I always feel like an idiot#I hope that with the new year or starting these last couple of weeks I can start being different#start acting like something more like what I feel is me or just more genuine#not driven by desperation for people pleasing or trying to not be boring and stuff#even tho I feel awful I still have hope for myself in the future and that’s a good thing I guess :)#online diary
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yes i agree!!! i am single and happy that way as well, not searching for anyone to date rn because i don’t wanna. i’m happy with my fish and frogs and myself 😌 it isn’t shameful and i have no clue where that anon or the person who called you a femcel got that from. and even if you were a femcel, so what??? i could name a million WORSE things that a person could be but okay… 🤨 don’t worry about it too much!!! haters are jealous of your game.
-anon who thought you had 100 cats
hell yeah me too!!! it started because an anon clocked me w a message that said that it seems like i’ve been single for a while, and i was like HOW did they get that thru my blog like how am i blogging like someone who is single? how would they know that? i was so confused so i sent it to my irl and she (whom i love dearly) was like no dude they’re right it’s giving desperate & femcel energy and i was like HELLO?? REALLY?? HOW?? im not upset at all i am just so confused as to what is giving that energy, i’m just girlblogging!!!
#i can understand yearning but desperate? i am chillin so hard rn#to me my blog is fun and cutesy and maybe even dare i say cozy#i still don’t know how people can tell one’s relationship status thru tumblr like it genuinely does not make sense to me at all#it still doesn’t make sense to me so if u know please let me know#i feel like i’m normal idk#ALSO it’s not that serious i’m not upset or anything i’m just so confused on HOW so i needed to ask the audience#like femcel is CRAZY right i’m literally just chilling#am i losing my damn mind#also if shes reading this hi babe heart u#no hate to this friend btw i just NEEDED to know if my followers got the same impression from me
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The two things I love most about language are simultaneously that the human need to communicate is so strong that we will invent languages, vocabularies, and new turns of phrases at the drop of a hat (freeing our thoughts from the confines of our mind), but also that language is so naturally limiting that it won't truly encapsulate your deepest, most inner thoughts and feelings (your thoughts are yours, but at what cost). Do you understand how feral this makes me feel. "Please understand me," we tell each other, and we both will be seen but also so, so misunderstood, and it isn't our faults, not really, and we continue trying, trying, trying to be understood.
#language#i can never know what it's like to read myself as an outsider and it genuinely makes me go mad#which is why i am so paranoid about how people read what i make and how i am interpreted and how my tone and themes come across#we try in vain to be understood more than we are and holy shit we are divine#this both comforts me and sends me to insanity by the way. i am never normal about this#i love learning about pidgin language and languages that just pop into existence. we so DESPERATELY want to communicate#and even this post can never encapsulate my feelings. they are too big for words; too big for feelings or diaries or whispers to the stars.#yet another post i made while stealth arching in skyrim. what is this world coming to.
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Finally graduated haha let's go 🥹
#im scheduling this when the ceremony is over just cause#but yeah um wow. can't believe it actually#desperately trying not to cry while typing this haha thing hasn't even started#but i think this is the first time in a while i genuinely feel proud of myself. like fuck me i did it#4 years was a wild ride but here i am!! and yeah im scared about the future but rn im just here with my paper#i also realized that yeah ive been on Tumblr as long as ive been in uni#which is crazy can't believe ive been on here for 4 years (roughly)#but for all the shit that i dislike about this site and as much as it drives me nuts#i do wanna say ive met some wonderful people on here! ive made some friends 🥹#and yeah i haven't kept up with all of them something im so so guilty about#but i wouldn't be where i am without this blog like unironically#so yeah thank you gay people in my phone you've helped me a lot. more than i care to admit#hope y'all have a great day <33#thanks for reading my sappy ass tags on Tumblr 😅
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Do you ever read a post where someone is explaining a pokitical thing and from the way they're saying you know with absolute certainty 1) they got their info from a tumblr post and have never actually followed up on how feasible that information actually is to act upon (they may not even have checked if it was CORRECT, but when they do they have clearly not looked into how easy or hard it may be to follow those instructions with a positive outcome), and 2) you know WHICH tumblr post they're quoting because it is basically a copy/paste of it, and 3) it was YOUR goddamn post and the thing they are saying is entirely counter to the point you were making when you said it to the point that you genuinely wonder if they just like. Memory-holed the entire context once they saw that one itty bitty point.
It's like the motherfuckiny dating apps all over again. I do not want people to love my words if they are not actually willing to do the work of understanding them! Didn't your kindergarten ever make you play Telephone to teach you how heresay falls out????
#sometimes i feel like a prized 12 point buck and everyone is desperate to give chase so they can skin me and wear my pelt in memorium#the luxury of being seen is rarely extended to those we perceive as confident/constant in their sense of self#the path of being a child who was constantly told i was making people uncomfortable and alienating my peers#only to immediately become an adult who everyone perceives as so together that they are just Like That With Everyonr#brennan said something like this in the disection of a recent misfits and magic episode about sam (character)#and how he (as evan) realized that the charm and specialness she gifts to everyone around her means that no one ever really gifts it back#and how that fundamentally felt transcendent and revelatory for evan as a turning point idea#he'd spent so long never trusting others feelings of care for him that he couldn't see how he was bulldozing right into and over sam's own#insecurities about whether or not she is worth loving or is special in the same way#and then they had some back and forth about like#sometimes when you develop the skill of relateability and pacification#you disappear so deeply into it that no one notices you're gone - even you yourself - until it's too late#it put to words a lot of the like#gap. that i've always felt between me and others. this insistance on elevating or pathologizing me depending on where they feel the need#to be in relation to me#while having absolutely zero awareness of my actual positioning in relation to them#i have found that they way i interact with others seems to give the impression that because i am being 'genuine' and 'open' about myself#that ALSO means that I am sharing the whole of me.#and when i talk about destigmatization and shame and people work really hard to be like. aware of the edges of me to carch me embarrassed#like if they can prove that i don't 'admit' something it's because i'm ashamed as opposed to considering that maybe they don't have the kind#of relationship with me that would warrant the sharing of it#because i'm willing to talk i am no longer allowed privacy or it's treated as incongruous#but like. i am different people for different people and they are all authentically me but they are also about faciliting the version#of the other person that matters to me to be able to spend time with. i'm not going to bring the parts of me that put you in a bad mood#or aren't comfortable/safe for you. also probably not going to put those things out into the open world as a mixed company conversation#i don't know where I'm going or where I came from here but i think the point is just that I think there's melancholy in seeing when#you also don't know a reliable way to be seen in turn
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Could someone tell me where the interpretation that, in book canon, the promotion Nie Mingjue gives Meng Yao made Meng Yao's life worse than it was before, came from?
I have seen that claim made multiple times now and I've looked at the text over and over trying to see where the basis for it is and I. Can't find it? Don't get me wrong, it absolutely spells out that it does not and cannot fix everything for Meng Yao, but the idea that it was actively bad for him?
Lacking other evidence, I kind of have to assume that it comes from cql canon being sort of projected backwards onto book canon. In cql canon, meng yao is suffering active and explicit bullying and abuse from the captain while under the nie, and does so because the capain believes he has risen above his station via nmj's promotion of him. (In book canon this... isn't happening. It happens with the captain in Langya instead) However, in cql canon he has also been with the nie for years and is openly close to both Nie Mingjue and Nie Huasiang, whereas in book canon he has only been working with nie mingjue for a few months (though has, in that time, apparently become close enough to him for Lan Xichen to explicitly state Meng Yao is able to calm nmj down in ways no one else can? Ofc he does this... Right after that stops being true. But. Food for thought. Not what this post is about tho.) So, if you project the much more explicit abuse from the nie sect captain in cql back on novel jgy who has a presumably much less stable position in the sect overall you get... a meng yao for whom the promotion only means a bigger target on his back and virtually no protection from nmj, who we must assume he can't trust to talk to his about because he never mentions it. (This also explicitly violates book canon when it comes to meng yao's general behaviour, we'll talk about that in a sec)
And look. We all do frankencanon in this house. I get it. And for fanfiction that is very fun. But for a serious reading of the character, his situation, and the actions that lead from that this... doesn't make much sense, in my opinion.
So. Why is that? Why did I say this was out of character for the novel? Because Meng yao spoke up about the jin captain mistreating him. Multiple times! It's just that none of it mattered because no one cared to listen to him. This is a pretty important line for his character because it flatly shows that meng yao is not and has never seen murder as something trivial. He's not trigger happy. He will only do it if he sees no other way out that doesn't end in himself being seriously harmed. (Whether he's right or justified in these cases is not the point of this post.)
If anything remotely similar was happening in the Nie sect, he would have said so. Cql Meng Yao doesn't do this because cql Meng Yao is a different character, and also the plot wouldn't work if he did. Cql Nie Mingjue, by extension, comes off as a fundamentally less trustworthy figure in cql Meng Yao's life because apparently for whatever reason, he cannot be trusted with the information that the deputy he has already publicly defended is still being harassed, and doesn't notice even when it is really blatant. The assumtpion the audience is given is that, like a middle schooler getting the principal involved when being bullied, it would only make the harassment more viscious.
This... actually has a somewhat solid basis in the book. Because after nmj yells at the bullies in question Wei Wuxian says this.
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And it is important to keep in mind that this is Wei Wuxian saying this. Not Meng Yao, not an omniscient narrator. Wei wuxian is drawing on his own experiences, likely from the Jiang family, to conclude that if someone is angry at you and thwarted by someone defending you, this generally does not make them less angry at you.
This is leaving out two crucial things, though.
Firstly, this worry isn't about the promotion at all.
The promotion hasn't even been brought up. In the novel it doesn't ctually happen immediately, it takes another few battles where meng yao continues to do his job well and nie mingjue continues praising him for him to eventually go "yeah, you deserve a raise."
This is another aspect that is being projected from cql canon onto book canon I presume, because it does happen quite quickly there, and it's a throwaway line in the books so it's easy to miss. I can't be mad about anyone forgetting the difference, but it is important to mention for this particular analysis.
Which is the second point: change in status
Wei Wuxian couldn't exactly change status within the Jiang family. (And if he could, that would just fuel rumours that he was jfm's bastard even more and make madam yu even angrier at him, etc etc.)
This isn't comparable to Meng Yao. The worry Wei Wuxian is talking about is explitly about Nie Mingjue's initial very loud defense of him. Before he has any idea Nie Mingjue is going to promote him.
Promoting him would likely decrease his chances of cultivators coming after him because now he was in a higher standing in the sect than they were. If applied to that earlier metaphor of middle school bullying it's like if the bullied kid suddenly got hired as a teacher. Which. Doesn't work with the metaphor at all. Touché. But what I am trying to say is that any payback they would have planned for him relied on the fact that they could make sure that Nie Mingjue wasn't going to be within very convenient earshot a second time, and as a random disciple Meng Yao couldn't just go complain to him every time.
But as his right hand man? Who spends most of his time working directly alongside him? Lmao. Good luck. Oh, sure, it is very likely that they feel offended a son of a whore has been raised in status above them, and many will continue to do so as jgy rises through cultivation society (in fact, Wei Wuxian's observations are absolutely on point for how Madam Jin will be treating jgy later on). But as we can also see from the way jgy is treated and how he treats others throughout the story: you can be upset all you want, but if that person is higher than you in status there's jack shit you can do about it.
If I am correct and Wei Wuxian is basing this on his experiences with the Jiang family, it makes sense why he'd miss this. Madam Yu gets to be way angrier at Jiang Fengmian as his wife than some random disciples can be at Nie Mingjue. Insulting Meng Yao, suggesting that he didn't deserve his promotion or that he earned it through less than proper means (you know who is mother is) is also an insult to Nie Mingjue and the way he chooses to run his sect. They can't do that.
Another thing I see brought up in this regard would be the tea scene. There may be no explicit harassment like in the show, but cultivators still don't respect him! The disrespect is just quieter and more subtle.
Tiny detail: these are actually not Nie cultivators
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They're cultivators Lan Xichen is escorting with him, making a pitstop in heijan.
The book confirms this by basically outright stating that this is the first time they see his face, and recognize him as Jin Guangshan's bastard son.
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Now, just because there is no proof that it happened doesn't mean it definitely never happened. Mdzs is a novel that often leaves stuff out or up to interpretation. Similar stuff to the tea situtation could very well be happening in the background. But I do think it is pretty significant that there is no mention whatsoever of Meng Yao having any negative treatment from Nie cultivators betwen him and Nie Mingjue meeting and him executing them while spying for Wen Ruohan, and the most we get is Wei Wuxian's personal speculation, after which he immediately goes to wax poetic about how surprised he is that Meng Yao and Nie Mingjue are getting along super well.
And, again, novel Meng Yao would have said something. He doesn't say anything about the tea scene. - Or? Does he? Notably 3zun have some very long in depth conversations that Wei Wuxian zones out from because he's busy thinking about Lan Zhan again. But let's not rely on what-ifs. Let's say that neither he nor Lan Xichen find it worth bringing up. Major reasons for that would be that a) these are not nie cultivators, nie mingjue wouldn't really have the authority to scold them. Especially because b) it's such a subtle offense it could easily be handwaved as coincidence. "They just always brush their cups clean like that!! It's wartime you know, and they were traveling! They're used to drinking from vessels that aren't thoroughly washed everytime! It's just a habit!" And would therefore not be worth reporting.
But anything worse than that? A "price tens or hundreds of times greater" like wwx mentions? He'd report it! I do understand that "well if it was happening why didn't he say something?" would, in real life, be victim blaming. This is not real life, and I am not talking about this in a matter of blame. If Meng Yao was being mistreated in the Nie and stayed silent about it, it would still not be his fault. I am talking about this in a manner of character consistency.
His admission of seeking help in the Jin sect shows that at that time and prior to it (a very good argument can be made that he loses faith in this idea) he believes that if he is being mistreated and someone with the authority to say something about it takes his side, things can improve. If Nie Mingjue standing up for him in Qinghe only made things worse, he would not have tried to ask for help in an even more hostile environment. You can call Meng Yao many things, but naïve isn't one of them.
Meng yao's later habit of completely isolating himself and lying to everyone around him comes from the fact that revealing his suffering would mean explaining several horrible things he's become complicit in and he does not feel safe admitting to that. But he's done nothing wrong here!
The reading where he says nothing would imply an either correct or incorrect belief in Meng Yao's eyes that Nie Mingjue did not much care for his wellbeing or safety. Oh sure he defended him once but doing so again multiple times would be such a bother. This also contradicts his later behaviour, where he banks solely on Nie Mingjue's protective instincts to seal his qi and escape during the confrontation in Langya. After having been caught murdering a man, he is still convinced Nie Mingjue will immediately try to help him when he is in serious danger.
And even if you very badly want to characterize Nie Mingjue as a blundering idiot who is apparently less trustworthy in Meng Yao's eyes than the jin cultivators who had already resoundly rejected him by the time he tries to ask for help with the langya captain. He doesn't say anything to Xichen either! Lan Xichen, who has explicitly and exhaustively been portrayed as kind and understanding to Meng Yao's circumstances and very willing to talk to Mingjue if Meng Yao wants something from him he doesn't otherwise think he'd get. The conversation Mingjue overhears where Meng Yao's new position in the Nie is explictly brought up would be kind of the perfect time to go "yeah I've been promoted but I'm not treated well by other soldiers" aaaand. Nothing. So unless you come to the conclusion that Meng Yao trusted the Jin he told about the captain's abuse more than Lan Xichen you kind of have to conclude that Meng Yao's treatment after his promotion improved significantly. And that even if people still disliked him they could not openly do anything about it because he was high enough in status for that to be socially inappropiate. Which is, explicitly, one of his main motivators over the entire course of the story: Avoiding mistreatment by getting high enough on the social ladder it doesn't matter what people think of him, they can't hurt him.
And I'm not sure how to reconcile that character journey with the idea that he would, at any point, have preferred to keep his head down and stay where he was. When he was so desperate to crawl his way out.
#the main tragedy of his character- of course- being that he keeps achieving that status and it is never enough#he achieves standing with the nie and the favor of a major sect leader and it's not enough for his father to even give him the time of day#he kills wrh amd becomes a war hero and gets acknowledged by his father!!#and all it gets him is nmj's constant distrust abuse at the hands of his stepmother and complicity in mass murder by his father's orders#he gets to the HIGHEST POSITION SOCIETY HAS. LITERAL CHIEF CULTIVATOR. And the moment he stumbles everyone turns on him immediately#like they were all just waiting for him to get low enough again that they could kick him further down#it's a rise-fall-rise-fall-rise-fall journey with every step up being a desperate fight and every tumble down being way too quick and easy#but! that rise still needs to be there!! for the story to work!!#the tragedy of qinghe for meng yao is how easily he loses nmj's fsvor. NOT that having it was bad in the first place#I understand that this reading is mainly done to put nmj in a bad light but I do genuinely think it does jgy a disservice#people more often apply this to him becoming jin guangyao which does in a lot of ways doom and trap him#and yes fuck jgs fuck that guy all the way to hell#but the key is that meng yao can't just get a happy ending by refusing power#he's not power hungry. what he wants is in fact reasonable- he's just willing to do a lot more than most to get it#'things would've been better if nmj didn't promote him/didn't send him to langya'#feels as reductive to me as the 'why can't he just be xichen's house boyfriend and join the lan instead' takes.#mdzs#meng yao#jin guangyao#mdzs meta#? sorta#feels too ranty to call meta#this is what i was talking about in my past post about how frustrating it is to base metas around disagreeing with others#makes analysis feel like discourse when that is NOT what i am trying to do#long post with long tags
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random vent(?) in the tags, feel free to ignore i just have a lot of pent up emotions to get out today apparently
#mar.txt#it's weird being aro(?) and yet also longing for a relationship. maybe its just bc almost all of my friends are in one#maybe it's bc of how easily jealous i get#maybe its the fact that i'm constantly being reminded that i am nobody's most important person. there's always someone more important.#maybe it's just the all-consuming,gaping hole of loneliness within me#idk.#i don't even know if i AM actually aro or if i'm just so demi that i may as well be aro or if ive just had so many bad experiences that it#feels impossible for me to feel romantic attraction#a few of my ocs (shara and the alatreon) are how i think i'd describe myself; aro,but willing to be in a relationship provided the other#person isn't bothered by them being aro,bc they have their own equivalent to romantic feelings#i know i'll never have one though. for all my confidence and whatnot i still very much am insecure about my own loveability. because the#only thing life has shown me is that i very much am not loveable. all the way back in first grade ppl were already using me instead of#actually caring#'dating' me to make someone else jealous. so they could have a drug buddie. a fuck buddie. so they could try to manipulate me into things#because i was a young teenager desperate for validation and to feel like i mattered and belonged and they were nearly adults who knew they#could exploit that. i'm surprised i never had anything happen to me beyond being pressured into trying chew tobacco (awful and disgusting)#and doing it every time i was around my 'boyfriend' and his friends#the only two genuine relationships i had didn't last either; one lost feelings after three years and the other just sorta stopped talking to#me and iirc eventually picked up a boyfriend that was actually local instead of long distance#i am not worthy of love. i will never be loved in the way that my friends are. hell i won't ever even find a qpp(?). and that makes me sad.#to know i will always be alone. that i'm destined to die alone. but it is what it is i guess. i just wish it didn't bother me so much.#i wish i could be content in my loneliness and not be jealous of everyone around me. i wish i could accept that i will never be anybody's#most important person. that the only person i can or will ever be the most important to is myself. self love,yeah? ha.#maybe 2024 will have something in store for me. god i hope it does. but i doubt it will. more of my friends will get into relationships,#those already in them will stay in them and/or take a step forward in their relationship. and i will remain alone. just as i always have.#anyways. sorry vent over i'm just. ugh. upset today. emotions are stupid and i want a refund on them. i did not ask to be saddled with the#burden of feeling such intense,suffocating displacement and loneliness. i did not ask to feel these negative emotions so strongly.#i just want to be someone's most important person. i just want to matter.
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can any Adults out there tell me if I blundered by accepting a job offer immediately (like so fast that the person offering was clearly surprised) or is it fine that I did that. To be clear I want the job but should I have played it cool and asked for some time to consider it or am I embarrassed for no reason
#in my defense they offered me a SIGNIFICANTLY higher salary than what I was expecting#I was literally so shocked I said yes on reflex. Didn’t even ask any questions which is NOT like me lmao#anyways this is a genuine question#pls feel free to come on anon to tell me I was way too desperate and am going to have to do some damage control if that’s how you really fe#I just need someone else’s perspective lol
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They are trying to convince me Jason was always reckless and angry and impulse and tbh that fact is worse than them killing him
#is he impulse and a bit reckless YES. he absolutely CAN be. but you have to understand. i am holdijg your hand. its all wrong right now#its when someone who doesn't like a character talks about them#and theyre sooo insistent that he ANGRY#but he is?? barely??#like ok. hi. hello. most anger was at the end. you cant just pull that#and it always tended to mirror batman's#like alot.#and it character development anger. pretty much all heros go through that#what im saying is that jason is not notably angry or angrier than anyone else. and it would've gotten better#he can be a bit reckless and impulsive though. but its not the Same as theyre doing it#do you get me#and he is perfectly willing to draw back or accept theres not much he can do to help a situation#hes a NEW hero. hes a KID. he had so much to learn#and he wants to help and if he feels like he can help he will. even if itll get him in trouble#he just found out his dad it dead like a week before The Batman told him to get in the car and put on the robin costume#and Man do i habe Thoughts on that (being adopted as robin first. which wow. that. wow.#he helped batman fight at the museum and then he gets called robin ans then adopted. how do you think that affects a child#it would be so easy to feel bats only cares about him as robin#not to mention how much pre-retcon (im not calling it crisis) stressed that the Only way to really be close to bruce is to be with him#as batman#and as established by everyrhing this kid is Desperate for a parental figure#hey does jay ever call batman dad or have b call him son. i genuinely cant remember all examples i can think of are before the retcon#its a bit hard to say how much of that story remained. kinda feels like none. i miss harvey bullock#RAMBLING hi i am talking to myself right now. back to the point at hand. yknow how it is when someone who doesn't like a character writes e#dc liveblog
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Trass.
hi :)
#am I allowed to ask if u want to overwatch duo#sorry im so sorry I genuinely tbh dont expect u to rly answer this BUT I kinda lowkey asked u on discord like a week ago#if it was ok if I like… idk talked to u and wanted ur time like a lil baby#and I see ur on ovw rn#AND IM NOT GONNA ASK bc I don’t…. feel like I have the right to but……….. good luck out there ok and we’ll#if u wanna duo cough cough im here… aha… taah…. sweats and laughs and throws myself off a cliff#anyways. ANYWAYS. sorry sorry. sorry. ok im. im sorry.#hi#I don’t rly know what to say to u but I just#I want… anything.. idk…….. hi#I really really think im so crazy you know#i just#idk anyways alien was sick it was a fun experience w sam btw and im still drunk tee hee. if u couldnt tell#i rly do like those xenomorph critters idk why but I’ve always thought they’re so cool……..#i mean…. acid blood…. they’re so big… BIG TEEF……… very cool……#hhhh…..hhhhi……… <- not sad not desperate aaahahhaahaaaaaahhahhhhaaaahhahahahhahahahahaha#throws myself off a cliff regardless#beeba my beloved#answered#deedis#ew wait I was asking to duo in a tumblr ask here LOL ok sorry I don’t expect u to answer that tbh I rly don’t#I justttttt#idk#idk I just miss u so kuch I hope that’s okay and im sorry#ugh ur prly not even gonna see this I feel so stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid#I mean u prly will but maybe tomo or in quite a few hours or something or#idk I guess that’s okay#idk. idk#anyways… hi I guess
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