#but I’m in so much fucking debt
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I hate everything.
#y’all I’m so exhausted#and so stressed#and in so much pain#but I can’t afford to go to the doctor#or take a break from work#and I’m tired no matter how much I sleep#which okay on weekdays is Not Much#and I work 9-11 hour days#and I need a second job#but I’m so fucking tired#but I’m in so much fucking debt#i don’t know what to do
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i hope i die soon
#at least then i wouldn’t have to worry about being in debt or literally anything else in my shitty fucking life anymore#i just want to have decent luck once in a fucking while but apparently that’s too much to fucking ask for#i’m so fucking tired of this goddamn life i live#i just want it all to stop#bpd shitposting#actually bpd#bpd vent#actually mentally ill#sorry this is a complete vent in the tags.. oopsie
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Where the hell am I supposed to even post art now, or even go to look at art???
I barely even use twt anymore bc I barely see art and the posts I do see usually aren’t even entertaining anymore, it’s just a bunch of shit I don’t care about or drama that I could live without hearing about
Here is basically dead, I do see art but it’s not usually art I care about? Like, I like OC artwork idc that much about fan art most of the time but that’s most of what I see (and it’s for media I don’t consume also so—). Or maybe I’m unlucky and my mutuals’ art just doesn’t show up for me 😭???
Both sites, it doesn’t matter what I post, it WILL be flopping, my mutuals don’t even really interact with me anymore and they always used to 😞. What do I even do? I just feel completely lost between this and all of my personal/health issues
#sometimes I become delusional and I think maybe#maybe I will be able to sell commissions one day#but in times like these I know those thoughts are pointless to have#and even if I could do something that could generate a minimal amount of extra income#it’s too late now#I’m over $1000 in medical debt and have $13000ish in student loans#which were taken out for nothing bc the college I enrolled in sucked and was a waste of time#the payments are all so much and even if I make enough to pay my bills and care for my animals#I can’t just fucking save money because my stupid fat ass just HAS to have binge eating disorder#I waste all my extra money eating an over abundance of food that just makes me feel worse#and I can’t stop#everything is falling apart and out of control and I don’t know what to do anymore#every time I think I’m getting better I fuck up again and it’s back to the start#I just wish I knew how to fix everything but it feels impossible
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Sometimes I see a take so bad that I have to physically put my phone down and do breathing exercises to make sure I do not become One Of Those People
Everybody is entitled to their own opinion, everybody is entitled to their own opinion, everybody is entitled to their own opinion eVEN WHEN IT IS SO FUCKING WRONG
#chewing on my own arm rn#but why does he get so much hate? he’s just— HE IS THE FUCKING DEVIL. SPLITTING A FAMILY UP JUST BECAUSE HE SUDDENLY FEELS LIKE BEING A DAD#HE ABANDONED THEM. ABANDONED!!!!!!! LEFT THEM IN DEBT AND WITH THE ABUSIVE FUCKING ASSHOLE#HE DROVE EUIHYUN TO THE BRINK OF FUCKING DEATH BECAUSE HE COULDNT BE BOTHERED TO TAKE CARE OF HIS OWN KID#Oh but no sure let’s bitch on Taeju instead because he’s tHe wOrSt#boy CHANGED. and he has APOLOGIZED#REPEATEDLY BITCH.#cried his eyes out. found euiyoung. gives them a safe place to live#takes care of them BOTH….#I’m not saying the shitty ass dad can’t see eiuyoung but he went about it all fucking wrong. he abandoned them and then separates them#and has the fucking audacity to point out how shitty euihyun’s life is… MOTHERFUCKER WHOSE FAULT IS THAT PARTLY HUH????#he could’ve left if he didn’t have euiyoung. who YOU ABADONED AS SOON AS HE WAS BORN#GRRRRRRRRR#FUCK. I AM SWEATING I AM SO ANGRY#misha rants
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#tw bad mental health and suicidal ideation#i wanna bash my head into a wall#i just got a new debit card last week and i already have to get a new one bc someone hacked me#i have to file for bankruptcy bc my health has made my finances so beyond fucked#nobody will give me a debt consolidation loan so i could try and survive#i feel like i have to drop out of college bc i can’t take another semester off and have my health fuck it all up#i wanna get my degree but at this rate i don’t think i will be able to#im worried ill need surgery on my left arm and i financially will not fucking get through that if i do#i already feel so much guilt for fucking my mom’s finances up#my sister won’t help my dad’s a POS and i’m NC with him#i feel like dying would be more beneficial than anything at this point#like i’m in pain all the time and nothing helps#i can’t fucking deal with this anymore#i can’t my body isn’t made for this
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hi everyone i’m still alive just fucking going through it in every conceivable way lol
#tbd //#i have never been the best at making financial decisions but i’m really in the fucking pit now because of school#because i love in america!!! freedom!!! to be in fucking debt#i haven’t been eating much lately either because i’m trying to save money kehwnsgwnsv so i have no energy for anything except going to clas#& barely even fucking that lmfao#anyways that’s it i just wanted to complain lol idk when i’ll be here again but hopefully soon ❤️🩹
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Everything has been mad negative w me lately and I’m sorry.
So here’s some nice things happening:
- the sun is out and the high is 50 degrees and I might risk the sidewalks and go for a run.
- I am working out more and while I’m not gonna be Swole(c) by any means I’m excited to get stronger
- even tho it’s for Work Related Purposes, I’m going to LA in March and that means I’m going to drag my coworker on the longest Uber ride ever to go see the beach
- LA also means some fuckin good tacos and I’m here for it
- I’m going to see Fall Out Boy in April with my sister & SIL
- I have a new craft to throw myself into as soon as the materials arrive
#roni makes a text post#I’ve just been so angry lately and it’s pissing everyone off and it’s like!!!#im trying!!! sorry im finally telling you that im angry instead of hiding it!#bc guess what! I’ve always been this angry! this is not new!#but now im tired of hiding it and telling ppl about it and instead of any kind of grace it’s all#’are you sure the meds are working? you seemed better before’#I wasn’t better I was just more quiet about it!#if they hadn’t backed me into a corner and saddled me w so much debt I’d have my own place and I’d be angry THERE instead of HERE#but we’re gonna focus on the positives.#I’m gonna go for a fucking run today.
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oh you guys i had a Bad Day
#im on vacation but all i’ve done is stress about how i will pay for this#nono i am literally borrowing money from my best friend and i’m feeling so bad about it#i should’ve like. not come#i hate being poor so much#also fuck this country and no one giving me a job this is so messed up#ok i’m done complaining#and i’m going to be indebted to my friends who are paying#and i’m literally gonna feel this for the next two months probably#haha i love being abroad and doing exchanges in expensive countries#the thing is i wanna experience the most i can while i’m here#but oh my godddd#also my parents were like oh yeah sure we’re gonna support you#and they are! but oh my god i feel so bad about it and asking for money for a VACATION?????????#also my mom makes me feel so bad about it#my dad is chiller#but no yeah i passed the whole day fucking anguishing about my debts#anyone wanna donate??? haha#ok sorry for this#rambles
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“I’m sure if I work hard and save up money, I’ll eventually be able to afford SRS” says the girl who struggles to afford groceries. (It’s me, I’m the girl)
#haha I wanna fucking d*e it never gets any easier we are always out of money I can never save anything up I’m in so much debt#I wont say the others things im thinking lmao
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jams, thank you for sharing your writing with us. thank you for being one of the coolest people around. I admire the way you are able to be so incredibly kind and open, I've never seen a person more approachable than you. your friends can be very lucky to have you, you deserve the world and so much more
good morning this literally made me cry. are u kidding? are u being for real right now? this is one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me. aooygggggfg anon. OH anon i love you. saying thank you literally doesn’t feel like enough i’m sitting here with a goofy grin with tears in my stupid eyeballs. YOU deserve the world and so much more!!!!!!!! YOU DO!!!!! 😭💕
#wh. at theeeee fuck#god what a beautiful start to the day#my heart is going :D#thank you so much anon i’m forever in your debt#also my friends ARE lucky and YOU COULD BE ONE OF THEM TOO!!! my inbox is always open 🥹💕#that goes for everyone btw i’m literally in love with people#i’m going to be riding this high for the rest of the day :) thank you again#ask#anon
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So I haven’t really said anything about this but just wanted to let all my mutuals and friends know that things are not going good right now. My sweet baby boy Grisly is in heart failure and is getting worse every day. It’s extremely draining and heartbreaking watching the little creature you’ve had since you were 19, who’s been there with you every step of the way in your life, die right before your eyes.
He was a relatively healthy senior dog just a month ago and now he’s declining rapidly. There are good days and bad days, and I’m just trying to make it through everyday without a panic attack. Every little change in his condition is torment. 😔 Truly, I don’t think I’ve known grief until this, anticipatory grief is no fucking joke.
So I’m sorry I’m extra quiet 🖤 thats just how I deal with things and I’ll hopefully feel up to socializing soon.
#tw: death#tw: pet illness#we also recently had a big health scare with one of our cats#we’ve had a million vet visits#pills and medication#surgeries#completely gone into debt with one of our credit cards#and thats just with the pets!#so to say the least I’m fucking tired#and feel like I’m already grieving before it even happens#my dog is literally my best friend#hes been here with me since even before my husband#HES MY GUY#MY LITTLE BUDDY#MY SHADOW#I love him so so so so much#it’s tearing me apart#(Lisa)#some days I’m okay and some I’m crying all day#It feels like a part of me (and a stage of my life) is ending#my parents are gone#and now the last remnant of my ‘old’ life is leaving too#kind of like my young adult life is ending#idk#anyways I’ve never had to deal with the death of a pet how the fuck do you manage?#anyways x2 thanks for coming to my pet grief ramblings/ted talk#I wanna get back to some semblance of normal so I’m gonna try and post more#will just fill my queue up because scrolling on here makes me happy
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I’m so sick of jobs and fellowships that claim to be entry level or for early career people and then ask for three references and pay minimum wage or less than minimum wage. Like babe, you’re telling me that you want to give opportunities and training to early career workers and in the same breath put barriers in the at that prevent people in the early stages of their career from participating!!!!!!! Make it make sense!!!!!!!
#I’m so sorry for posting about my jobs search so much but I need a space to scream and this is it#I’ve been looking for something since July of last year and have nothing!!!!!!#a lot of jobs want references I don’t have because I only have two academic references#and the ones I do apply for either ghost me or I get through interviews just to be rejected with no explanation!!!!!#and so I’m stuck in the fucking middle of nowhere unable to use my degrees that I’m in so much debt for!!!!!#anyways#I’m gonnna try desperately to not jump of a cliff
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This is something I learned at one of the pre-op visits for my breast reduction! My surgeon was basically I think an independent surgeon (as I guess I would imagine is common for “cosmetic”/plastic surgeons?) and she was telling us a little bit about what to do for talking to insurance about the surgery and stuff, and she mentioned that for us going through insurance it would be at a particular hospital, but she also often did surgeries where people didn’t use there insurance, and she did those at some other place, and the price she charged up front was much lower, because that was the actual cost of the surgery (and equipment and everyone’s salaries etc.) and she had to raise the ticket price significantly when people would go through insurance, because the insurance company would negotiate that price down, and then keep some of the money. (Obviously for us and many others it still worked out to be cheaper for us out of pocket to go through insurance, but the amount she made was roughly the same even though it would look like she charged thousands more for my breast reduction than for someone not using insurance)
So, when you get those bills from your insurance after a doctors visit, and there’s that little table that tells you, this is the cost of the visit, this is the discount we got you, this is how much we paid, this is how much you still have to pay?
That line about “we got you this discount” is misleading. They actually caused the provider to raise the initial cost of your care by that amount, or more, in anticipation of the insurance company refusing to pay the full amount so that they could tell you they got you a discount.
"Why does a 15-minute visit with a doctor cost 150 bucks in America???" you're gonna want to read Money-Driven Medicine, by Maggie Mahar, and probably also The Social Transformation of American Medicine, to answer that question. It is not because your doctor is a greedy bastard; your doctor does not see most of that money. It is because the system is broken to a level that is truly impressive in its dedication to making a shit ton of money for insurance company executives and shareholders.
#my doctors visits are always around 3 or 400 for me because they never get billed as physicals because I also need prescriptions filled#and I need to go in 4x a year because adderall is so heavily restricted#and my last visit was actually $700 because they needed to drug test me not even for a real reason but because at the previous visit when#they drug tested me (also for bullshit reasons- to check that I was taking my meds instead of selling them or soemthing)#it came up with a false positive for opioids. which I don’t have access to or interest in and would not have been in my system#(mom’s nurse friend hypothesized that maybe the poppy seeds on the wverythign bagel I probably had for breakfast that morning set it off. it#seems like that’s a pretty common food to have and they should either warn you ahead of time about that or it shouldn’t be sensitive enough#to pick that up)#and insurance was like ‘we got you a $195 discount’ which is bs and ‘we paid $4’ which is even stupider#so now at my next virtual visit I’m gonna have to say hey I know the answer is no because of institutionalized stigma against me that you’re#not willing to push back on but I can’t fuckingn afford to keep paying $1600+ a year for what at this point is a middle man between me and a#pharmacist because I’ve been on this medication for fucking ages and all my other ones could be refilled at a yearly physical#so is there any way we could change things up somehow. and she’s going to say no. and I’m going to be angry and upset about it for days#back when i was at my pediatrician I had to go in every six months which was annoying but I would happily go back to that over four times a#year#but idk if the rules changed or if the rules are different for adults or if my doctor just sucks bc I brought that up early on and she was#like no this is what we do#I mean. I can technically afford it. I have the money I’m not going into medical debt or anything. I live at home with my parents and have#very low living expenses and my checking account is limited primarily by my own standards of how much I’ve decided I want to be putting into#my savings account each paycheck. but when the biggest expense in my life is something that already frustrates me and that I know is exp too#expensive and that I feel I shouldn’t have to be doing anyway and I know I’m being treated unfairly#it just feels so much worse. having to take money out of my savings account wouldn’t be the end of the world. but it feels wrongs#and I only make like $36#lmao I forgot about the commas thing.#like $36k a year so I also am aware that even though I’m in a lucky place where I’m stable that’s not *that* much money and I feel like that#is how I tend to think of things. because I’m not going to live with my parents forever and I’m deeply aware that for most people who have#to pay a rent or a mortgage $36k is the lower end of things and a seven fucking hundred dollar doctors bill is a big fuckingn deal#for a regular fucking doctors appointment#it’s not like I fucking asked to be drug tested they said ‘pay us to look at your pee or else’#it’s all bullshit
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misery posting x
#i for real cannot process my puppy getting hit by a fucking car today#and being charged 10k that i don’t fucking have#and the emergency vet ppl were cold as fuck#i genuinely do not know what to do and now my credit card is jacked up and i’m in so much debt#i feel like i’m never going to get out of this this really fucked me over#i just want my fucking dog but then it’s like wtf am i going to do about my fucking financial situation#and student loans r starting back up again for me this month like i literally want to die#👍🏻
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I might need to set up some donation post thing or. Something, I think.
#being backed into a corner w debts & its! not! a good feeling!#its all medical debt bullshit & i h a t e#the only downside is idk how effective it’d be. i mean id promote it on my art blog but as it stands i barely get any notice there & here#so it feels. pointless? that & i feel like i’m fucking debasing myself asking for help.#it feels literally humiliating to me when i need to reach out to anyone for anything & esp w financial matters but i. dont have much choice#idk. i could try to open comms but im also mentally not in a position for that…#i’ll think things over but i just. have to do something.#it sucks bc i used to have twitter for this. & used to actually get help there in the days before e|0.n. but w the way the site is now…#rrrr this aint fun lmao#ishtar rambles ;#hate the US medical system & how its basically pay to live
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It astounds me that you can post something deeply personal and traumatic about almost dying at the hands of a chiropractor and sustaining lifelong damage that negatively impacts your daily life to a debilitating degree, and people will still send irate messages like, “well I can’t afford a doctor so what am I supposed to do? Just not let chiropractors crack my neck?!”
And it’s like worstie, whether you can afford a doctor or not won’t fucking matter if the chiropractor fucks up your entire life because if what happened to me happens to you, you’re fucked and if you want to live you’ll end up paying much much more than what seeing a physical therapist would have cost you in the first place.
My PT is mostly covered by insurance these days. But without it the bill is $300.
The damage the chiropractor has cost me? Well it was 6 grand for the first emergency MRI which my insurance didn’t cover, several grand in doctors appointments to be told I’m fucked for the rest of my life and basically just thousands of dollars a month in rehab that I honestly can’t afford to keep me from killing myself from the pain while plunging myself and my husband into further insurmountable medical debt because he refuses to let me go.
So you tell me. Do you want to eat the cost of that initial physical therapy appointment now so you can learn to properly manage your neck pain without letting someone crack it? Or do you want to wait and end up like me. Because I guarantee you, it’s a waiting game. Chiros only have to fuck up once.
Once is enough.
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