#but I’m also avoiding anything remotely important

[thesilmarillionblog]

𓏲 𓂃 L o s i n g Y o u

Part: 8

Click here to read the first part.

Summary: Everything was good as a member of Payback and Soldier Boy's secret girlfriend until the team and your relationship with him began to fall apart due to a new member and her developing relationship with Ben right in front of your eyes.

Pairing: Soldier Boy / Reader

Warnings: heavy angst, hurt , language, PTSD, mention of drugs, mention of torture

Word Count: 4674

A/N: English is not my first language.

* This story is inspired by the song "Losing You" by Dream Evil.

You asked Ben again, “What did you do to those people?” while he continued to look at your furious and angered look.

He avoided watching the news and simply replied in a dry voice, “I didn't mean to hurt them. Everything happened so quickly.”

Despite your hopes that, after all this time, he would change a little, you came to the conclusion that his appearance was the only thing that had changed. He was the same guy who hurt everyone around him like they were just insects, never thinking twice about it. He remained the same merciless man who just cared about himself.

You were too ignorant to believe that it was Crimson Countess had drastically changed him, but this was simply another lie you told yourself in defense of Ben's behavior. It was just who he really was.

You talked softly while Butcher continued to watch TV, “How can you even stay the same after all the things that happened to you?”

“I killed the doctor who hurt and tortured you. You already knew; whatever I did for him, he deserved it,” he angrily said, gesturing to you as though he were doing you a favor and somehow trying to convince you.

“Should I feel like a graduate and thank you?” You questioned him bitterly, glaring at him. “You are the reason I spent decades being imprisoned and subjected to torture in vain. You are the reason I am currently homeless and the state's number two foe. How come you're still so blind and self-centered?”

Ben grumbled, “Calm down, baby,” ignoring your inquiries as he roughly grabbed the remote control out of Butcher's hand and flicked through the channels. “We can talk about things at a later time. For now, take a moment to rest.”

Ben continued to stare at the TV and shifted on the couch in an attempt to make himself more comfortable, so you replied, “Don't call me 'baby.'”

“It looks like Tony Montana is going to bed alone tonight.” With a cunning grin, Butcher attempted to reclaim the remote control from Ben's grasp. “Also, don’t be dramatic and so upset, you have a place to stay, you’re not homeless.”

“Tony Montana—who the fuck is he?” Ben muttered, pushing Butcher's hands a little too hard while refusing to give up the remote control. “I’m in charge in here. What I watch, you'll watch too.”

“Hey, you remember our deal, don't you? I'm hoping you won't back down.”

You turned to Butcher and questioned, “What deal?” with a confused gaze on your face when he suddenly started speaking in a serious and mysterious tone.

Ben stepped in immediately and shot Butcher a quick glance, saying, “It's not so important.”

“All right, there's nothing to worry about. Your teammate just promised me that he would help me kill a cunt named Homelander.”

Ben kept shooting Butcher with a deadly look as he immediately spilled the beans.

“I'm not worried about anything,” you cut Butcher off abruptly, averting Ben's tough stare. “Whatever he's up to, he's alone in this. But tell me, what’s deal about.”

“Sweetheart, I don't need your help anyway. You simply stay at home and take care of things while you chill,” Ben said in an amused way, attempting to hide his tiny sense of hurt that came from your coldness.

He didn't intend to include anything that would distress you further, but he couldn't stop remembering the times you supported and fought alongside him. He would never ask you to get involved in the Homelander situation, though, since he knows you've already been through a lot of terrible things. He was also too proud to accept your assistance.

Turning to face you, Butcher added, “You don’t have to be so ruthless. He made the deal to get help from me to save you.”

Butcher believed that, given Homelander's strength, helping him would be beneficial and that it would be great if you would just soften and offer a helping hand. Butcher knew Soldier Boy would be happy to let you fight alongside him, as he was aware that he took your suit from Legend. You were once the strongest superwoman, after all, and he would have a better chance of finally killing Homelander.

Hughie, thankfully, returned to join you with a meal in his hands before you could ask Butcher any more questions. You were so hungry that you didn't even realize it until you smelled pizza. It was all about pleasure, yet even if you starved for decades, you wouldn't die.

Hughie smiled hesitantly and said, “Sorry, I didn't ask you before ordering, but I hope you're okay with pizza.” It's likely that he was the only decent person in the room. You wondered why this person was willing to work with a man like Butcher. He gave off an air of deception.

“Of course it's okay,” you said as soon as you smelled it. You then gave him a graditude look and said, “Thanks a lot.”

Ben quickly got up, tossed the remote control in Butcher's face, and grabbed the pizza from Hughie's hands as he sat next to you before you could move. Ben stepped closer, spreading his legs a little and making contact with your thighs, but you put some distance between you two right away. You didn’t understand why he was acting like that out of the blue, but you didn’t ask anything.

None of you spoke, even though you felt Ben's gaze briefly lingering on you. Although you were unsure of what Ben truly wanted from you, you were determined to learn from your past mistakes. Therefore, it was best to clarify it for him as well.

Upon seeing Noir's visual on TV, you exclaimed in shock, “Is Noir still working for Vought?”

That was the moment you understood. Earving never came to save you. If he just wanted to, you knew he could and would find you. You could understand why he might not have wanted to take the risk of going through the same things with you if he had a legitimate reason for not saving you. You had no right to be selfish. However, you were certain that you would behave differently if he were in your place. You therefore couldn't help but feel a little let down.

Ben angrily remarked, “Of course he does,” as he watched you devour the pizza. “He wouldn't even take his shit without the permission of Vought. Fucking traitor. He didn't even give a fuck about the things you went through all those years. I had no doubts that he was going to abuse your friendship. There was always something sneaky about him.”

You couldn’t left out a small hiss as Ben started to talk about loyalty.

“All right,” you replied, casting him a piercing glance. “I got used to being betrayed.”

He aggressively exclaimed, “Don't compare me with that son of a bitch,” and launched into a self-defense tirade. “I came to save you too as soon as I was free, and I looked for you everywhere.”

“How could I ever compare you with him while I know you are worse. And yes, Ben, you're quite considerate to have searched me in the Countess' home. Many thanks for it.”

“I payed a visit to her because I knew she was most probably the one tricked you. It was nothing else.”

“Whatever,” you said back harshly. “I don’t care anyways.”

Butcher interrupted you after making a brief phone call in the kitchen, saying, “Listen here, Bonnie and Clyde. Hughie and I need to get out and meet some buddies, but if you're not going to make trouble and if you don't want to fuck in peace all night, it's best if you don't stay at home. In every other case of emergency, you need to join us.”

You hurriedly swallowed the large slice of pizza and gasped, “We won't... I mean, we wouldn't,” to Butcher. Your cheeks flushed. “It's not like we're together or anything, so don't misinterpret and talk like this, please.”

Ben leaned back to the coach and said, “Well, I'm all in, baby,” pleased to see you flushed and in a panic. “Keep in mind that. Since I'm free, I didn't even fucking jerk off once. You can use me however you like,” he stated, stretching his legs and making an attempt to brush against you briefly while grinning genuinely and invitingly.

You grumbled, “I'm trying to enjoy my meal here,” ignoring the absolute filth that was flowing from his mouth.

“All right, that's OK.” Butcher urged you to complete your dinner, saying, “You can continue eating where we go. We must leave in five minutes.”

Ben growled, “Don't fucking order her around.”

“It's fine,” you stopped eating right away. “Where we're going to go?”

“We have to get some Temp-V from Hughie's friend. It appears that we will need to use it soon,” Butcher replied, glancing at Ben. “Unfortunately, you can't beat Homeland with just one guy.”

Ben did not even respond to Butcher's crap; he only rolled his eyes. He was aware that Homelander would be the easiest to take down. He was Soldier Boy, and someone of Butcher's age wouldn't fully get who he was.

You and Ben were seated in the back of Butcher's car, and Ben was covering the whole place almost as if he wanted you to lean into his body. He was always on the move, both his hands and his legs, and occasionally you would think he looked a bit bashful if you didn't know just how arrogant he really was. Somehow, you sensed the uncertainty, but you didn't look him up or ask him questions.

You couldn't help but feel confused and depressed as you gazed out of the car window at the enormous, gleaming structures. You no longer felt like you belonged in the world because so many years had passed in a tiny little cage. It seemed as though no one knew you, cared about you, or you had no place to stay. It's not your world, but rather other people's, that you see when you peek out the window.

You said, “Everything looks so different,” as a sense of melancholy took over you.

“Not at all,” Ben remarked in an arrogant tone, as if he had figured out everything in a single day. “I've learned many things; I will teach you all; don't worry.”

You challenged him, casting him a skeptical glance. “What do you know?”

“Well, I might teach you a thing or two because you're too eager to learn. For instance, GPS and the Internet were quite helpful in helping us learn about you and the place you were kept,” he added with pride as he smiled at you and waited for your reaction.

You whispered, “You're just making those words up,” unsure if he was trying to trick you.

“Those words are real words. I had said the same to that fuckface; believe me, sweetheart,” he continued, giving Hughie a harsh shoulder pat. “Hand over your damn android phone to me.”

Hughie murmured in distress, “Oh, God,” as Butcher nodded awkwardly and gave him an odd look. “Just don’t break it or something, please.”

Hughie handed his phone reluctantly to Ben, who took it with a swift move, and Ben used it like a pro, tapping the screen quickly. When he wrote down his name and yours on the screen called 'Google', your eyes widened open as you saw a ton of images and details about the two of you, Payback, and everything else.

Captivated by what Ben showed you, you muttered, “Everything about us is written down there.”

“See,” he declared with pride, chuckling at your bewildered response. “I told you I was very well-informed. The name of this one is Internet.”

You challenged him again, interested in learning more about this small device, which seemed to know a lot of things. The modern world is unquestionably something else, with easy access to knowledge at any time and about any subject matter.

“I am familiar with social media. If you don't want to be identified by your real identity, you can put up a fake profile and follow anybody you want. I made one for the two of us as well.” Ben responded, seeming proud of everything he had achieved with a cunning smile on his face.

You pretended to understand everything he said as you asked, “And what's your fake name?”

“It’s ‘soldierboyy/n69.' Pretty creative, isn't it?”

“Oh my gosh, Ben,” you said, pushing the phone and his hands in an annoyed tone as your face turned red. “Everyone will know that it is you. I shall be accused of having once again supported your actions if they find out the identity of your account. Why do you act so carelessly?”

“Everyone has those fake names,” Ben said, grimacing at how much you disapproved of what he had done. Nobody will find out because I'm not using it anyway."

He intended to show you that he never thought of himself apart from you and that he thought of you even while he was setting up the account, but all he managed was to distress and upset you once more. Observing your defensively crossed arms on your chest, he sighed and moved his strong arms to your seat in an attempt to get close to you.

“How are you so sure?” you asked as he handed over the phone to Hughie in a rude manner.

“Because that's the way the modern world works, sweetheart. Nothing and anyone are real when it comes to Internet.”

“Indeed,” Butcher said, glancing at the two of you through the mirror. “He is right; no one will find out. It's not really a big deal; trust me, if it were, I would have problems as well because of him.”

You cut it short, closing your eyes and lowering your head to the seat. “Okay,” you mumbled.

It was as though some odd numbness overcame your body, leaving you exhausted and unbalanced even after decades of sleep. It was most likely due to the quantity of sleep that your body became accustomed to, and it's also possible that you were experiencing a side effect from what you experienced in the lab. Nonetheless, it didn't concern you because you knew you still had your strength. You only needed to get a bit more rest. As you closed your eyes to give your body a break until you got there, you inhaled deeply.

You slowly opened your eyes, feeling Ben's gentle touch on your cheek, and heard him say, “You really turned into sleeping beauty, didn't you?” in a lighthearted manner.

“Have we arrived?” you muttered as you opened your eyes and noticed his intense gaze on you. The moment Butcher and Hughie slammed the car door, you immediately fully came to your senses.

Ben nodded, confused, not knowing how to react to your coldness as you gently moved his hands away from your face.

Ben and you had just followed Butcher and Hughie to the small, slightly desolate house. You looked around the room, and the other two women, who were glancing at you warily, exchanged glances. You could tell they were supes, just like you, from the whiff of Comp-V in their scents. You were a little nervous because you had no idea what their intentions were toward you. You had no friends or someone to rely on anymore, and you were a stranger to everything after all.

“Ladies, how are you doing here?” Butcher grabbed a glass of whiskey from the kitchen and inquired as he sat down right away on the closest couch.

“I can't believe you and you especially you Hughie,” the blonde remarked angrily. “You two really set them both free, and you forced me to take so much Temp-V; we're going to be caught. It's only a matter of time.”

“So you're the supe woman that bottom-faced guy pounding?” Ben aggressively exclaimed, pushing the short-haired man to the right while he snatched a cola from the refrigerator. “And the one who works for Vought when you're not getting off and doing other things.”

“Stop it, Ben,” you said in a warned tone as his abrupt aggression caused the air to thicken.

“Why don't we just sit down and have a nice chat?” Hughie looked at you anxiously, as if you wanted to soothe Ben before anything happened.

“Relax, sweetheart,” he said, flashing you a cunning grin when he spotted you approaching him, and you gave him a cold look while he sipped his coke in joy.

“Well, Annie, that it wasn't in vain. Soldier Boy and I struck very useful bargain, didn't we?” Butcher inquired, glancing back to Ben with a sly smile. “We're going to kill Homelander together.”

You felt uneasy, and your thoughts turned to the Homelander once again. Even if you didn't care about Ben at all, you couldn't help but feel concerned because you were both strangers to Vought and the outside world now that Ben had gotten into so much trouble. Not only did you not want to return to the lab, but you also didn't want Ben to go through the same painful experiences. Even though he had been vile to you, you didn't want him to suffer forever in Russia.

Annie replied, “You should have told me, Hughie,” casting a disappointed glare at her boyfriend. “You’re so acting strangely these days.”

Hughie insecurely responded, “I know, I know,” rubbing her cheeks. “And I’m really sorry for it. It won’t happen again.”

The man with short hair said, “You all know that they both are being searched by the government, right?”

Butcher shot back, “Of course we all fucking know that, Frenchie.”

Annie looked at you and said, “Well, I guess Y/N's situation is worse,” while you stood by Ben, watching him carefully to make sure he didn't suddenly lose his temper and start some serious drama. “Well, she's a known traitor after all.”

You immediately defended yourself by saying, “I'm not a traitor,” and you were enraged at her haughty demeanor. Despite her lack of knowledge, she was constantly talking about things she had no idea about. “Vought only spread lies and caused us pain in order to build up the next generation, which is your generation. They tortured me for years just because I wanted to quit.”

Annie's expression softened as she realized that Vought would do something like that and that she was having trouble as well in Seven. She then apologized to you by looking at you and sincerely saying, “I'm sorry to hear that.”

She went on, making an effort to get you to see how complicated the situation was, saying, “But you need to understand that no one will believe you. For all this time, you have been regarded as a spy for the entire world. The same remains for Soldier Boy.”

“What is your point?” Ben cut her off with a harsh voice.

Ben was becoming mad at those morons; they were just some stupid kids who liked to order other kids around, but he was a man, a true leader, the strongest supe to live, and they had no idea what him and you had been through or who had been in charge decades earlier. He was already becoming a little tense about that blonde's cunning ideas, so he realized he had to proceed with caution going forward. He had to watch out for you too, in order to keep you safe.

With defensive hands on her hips, Annie retorted, “The thing is, it's best if you don't see each other for a while. I can help you spend a week in various secure locations, separated.”

Ben abruptly tensed up, enraged that the blonde had already made plans in her cunning mind to keep him away from you. “No fucking way,” he said. He was certain that those fucked-brains would propose something so incredibly moronic.

Even if it made sense, you realized those new guys weren't to be trusted as they were strangers. It was true that you needed some alone time apart from Ben, but for the time being, it was preferable to ignore what you’re told.

“Everyone is talking about what happened in New York and Ohio,” Annie said furiously. “I’m just asking you two be hidden for a week. Everything’s already complicated in Vought and I have my own problems.”

“Look, sneaky woman,” Ben hissed, “I don’t give fuck about your problems or anything at all. If you ever suggest such thing, you won’t have a head to think such idiotic things anymore. I’m warning you.”

“Ben, you need to calm down,” you said. You scowled at the feeling that his chest was unusually heated compared to normal. 

Frenchie agreed, saying, “Y/N is right; there is no need to fight each other.” The supe woman next to him smiled and patted his shoulders.

Butcher responded, “Annie is right too, though,” as he examined the Temp-V carefully on his lap. “Too much attention has been paid to Soldier Boy during the past three days. We are also doomed if he is seen soon enough.”

“They could be right,” you acknowledged, nodding to Butcher, understanding that his points were reasonable. Since you and Ben were currently the state's number one and two foes, you also didn't want to get into any sort of trouble.

Ben cursed, “Fuck that,” and he gave Butcher a menacing stare. He got offended at the fact that you instantly agreed with them but not with him. “I didn't realize I had done business with so many jerks. If you're that afraid of what's ahead, I might accept your suggestion, but Y/N is staying with me.”

“Calm down, buddy. Why are you so obsessed?” Butcher questioned, putting the bag down from his lap.

When you realized Ben was about to start an argument without reason, you asked him, “Why are you being like this?” in an irritated tone.

“Are you saying that you're prepared to follow those fuckfaces' instructions?” While you could tell he was angry, he inquired quietly, “What's wrong with you?”

Ben set down the coke and paid no attention to Butcher's irritating remarks. Instead, his attention was drawn to you. The fact that you didn't trust him but did trust the new people you had met most disturbed him. It was not them who saved you, but it was him who considered your safety and future. Still, you were ready to follow what they had to say. You'd been away from each other for a long time, so there was no reason to spend another minute separately.

“I'm not saying anything, Ben. I just want you to quit being irrationally dissatisfied and to be reasonable.”

Butcher sighed as he watched you start to debate, but Annie grasped Hughie's arm and guided him to another room to have a conversation.

Ben stated, “I'm not getting angry for no reason,” while attempting to stay controlled.

Despite Ben was desperate to touch you, he restrained himself since he knew that you two needed to have discussed the situation before acting on it. How in the world was he supposed to talk to you properly after a week apart? “I'm just saying, we don't have to spend a week alone and separated,” Ben said with a low voice.

Your eyes wandered around everywhere except for him.

“I'm not sure, Ben,” you teased him, feeling hesitant about his response. “Maybe we should.”

“How can you be sure that those people won't imprison you to a metal box once more? Do you really want to go back to that lab? You're saying you have faith in them, but not in me?”

You angrily gasped, “Don't you ever talk to me about trust. I would never make the same mistake by trusting you again.”

He tried to calm himself down, saying, “I'm the only one who saved you,” but the heat inside his chest kept growing.

“Will you stop arguing?” Butcher got up and asked, watching Ben trap you against the kitchen table while grinning at Ben and sipping his whiskey. “She obviously wants to be by herself for a while. Would you please just accept her decision and let her to enjoy herself?”

Ben angrily remarked, “Mind your fucking own business; we are fucking having a conversation here.”

You stopped disputing with him and cast a puzzled glance at his chest as soon as you felt the warmth in his chest increasing once more.

Butcher said, “It's like you're forcing her for something she doesn't want to though. Don't be such a drama queen,” ignoring Frenchie's warnings. “She might just want to spend time alone in a nice place and fuck with some hot dudes, savor the time she missed all those years.”

Ben snarled, turning to face Butcher and ignoring you this time. “Watch your fucking language," he growled. “If you say one more word, I fucking swear I'll rip your heads off.”

Ben's chest began to glow suddenly before he could finish his sentence, and your eyes widened, sensing the anxiety and the heat coming from his body.

“Ben,” you whispered quietly, uneasy with his rage and the anguish on his face, as if he tried to maintain self-control.

With an expression of fright on his face, Frenchie and the supe woman next to him also retreated a step. “Calm down, buddy,” Butcher muttered. “Let's not cause another accident. You've already done enough damage, huh. ”

But Ben's chest continued to glow, alerting you. “Hey, what's wrong with you?” you asked as you walked up to him, stroking his arms and then his face and making him to look at you.

He snarled, “I can't hold it,” and shoved your hands away right away. “Stay away from me.”

Instead of following commands, you remained in the same spot and continued to massage his upper arms in an effort to soothe him though you got extremely anxious. Then, in the hopes of calming him down a little, you put your hands on his burning, hot chest. Even if there was smoke slightly arising from his body, your hands felt chilly.

You whispered, “It's okay,” feeling his temperature drop beneath your fingertips gradually.

Next Chapter

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A/N: Comments and reblogs are very appreciated! -`♡´-

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Let me know if you want to be tagged for this series. -`♡´-

[zombzomb]

tw: nsfw, suggestive, bondage, edging, food problems, sickness, spanking

i’m so drawn to bdsm power dynamics because i’m always so focused on so many different things that the idea of someone being in charge of taking care of me is so appealing. the simple act of having to pick something to eat will put me off from eating altogether, but having someone there to say “this is what you’re gonna eat” or “this is what you’re going to buy” is so comforting to me.

i bring this up, because i totally see the 141 doing this in their own ways. ☺️

john helping you with habit building and getting seemingly impossible tasks done. you wanna be up at 6 am, but can’t find the will to walk to the bathroom to do your skincare or basic hygiene routine before the cold air pushes you back under the covers. so john’s got a warm drink (tea/coffee/hot chocolate/etc.) and your misplaced slippers waiting for you to get to the bathroom via him carrying you, avoiding the evil cold hardwood floors. can’t find it in yourself to do this one uni assignment? he’ll stop by your desk for scheduled breaks with snacks, drinks, and head, with a thorough fucking promised by the end should you finish your work.

simon is always going to be there to make sure you aren’t ignoring your mental health. he has a sixth sense for when you are overwhelmed and trying to push through it and act normal, or for when you’re not getting your hunger cues or whatnot. he won’t say anything or bring direct attention to it, knowing it might break the dam and exhaust you, but simon will bring things that he knows will comfort you or ask you to help him relax with a good cuddle (sneaky man). but he also knows when you’re already overflowing; that gentle comfort is not going to help. thus, he turns to tying you up in pretty rope and fucking you until all you feel is his cock and pleasure.

kyle definitely is helping with self care and confidence, especially if you’re a fellow BIPOC. he definitely knows a lot about hair (sidebar, imagine him being the oldest with a bunch of mixed-race siblings 😭), skin, nutrition, and overall just taking care of yourself. get sick? no worries, kyle has a recipe from his ma that will take care of that and knows just how to make you feel less gross by the end of it. want to go to the gym? don’t worry, he’ll make a work out plan for you both to do! nervous about fucking up a really important presentation? easy, he’ll slip a remote vibrator into you for all the practice runs and randomly turning it on, edging you until you get through it without even breaking a sweat.

johnny being your enforcer by gently encouraging you to be more adventurous and holding you accountable. always want to go to a club, cafe, or beach, but never do because of the planning or prep you feel like you have to do? no worries, johnny has already packed what you need in your bag and/or car, and he’s also ready if you need him to come with you as an extra push. he will notice the moment you are struggling with making executive decisions and jump right in to help. and if you struggle with making rules for yourself, resulting in you procrastinating your work, he’s got that covered to. he knows very well how to be stern and provide consequences, whether that’s making you watch something that will give you intense secondhand embarrassment, doing the dishes, or getting a not-so-fun spanking that leaves your ass bright red and aching for days.

[ret1cent]

the space between (pt.5)

josh dun x fem reader

WC:6,000+

“run away-ay with me. lost souls in revelry.”

warnings: some angst, arguments, unhealthy/unhappy relationship, reader is a light smoker and smokes in this chapter, language

a/n: sorry posting took so long, i’ve been in a little flunk with writing recently but i will still keep getting these chapters out for you guys because i really am enjoying creating this story! also if there are any errors please excuse them i proofread this half asleep at 2 am lol

previous chapters

May 23rd, 2016.

I lean my head against the headrest of the passenger seat, watching the buildings of Burbank fly past from the highway as me and Kass approached the Warner Brothers lot. I sip the coffee in my hand, the warmth of it relieving me from the chill of the morning. Her presence made the daunting task of going back to work feel more lighthearted, but I knew the feeling would quickly dissipate once we had to separate. I zone out as I stare out the window, the music from the radio droning on in the background. I knew I had to go back home today; it had been too long.

I couldn’t avoid facing Logan forever. I had to be mature, have a conversation with him about everything that had happened. It wasn’t fair to him to not let him explain himself. But it was anxiety-inducing to think about the confrontation. The most nerve-wracking part is that I have no idea how he’ll react at all. He’s unpredictable like that, and that was the factor that frequently prevented me from confronting him about his actions that hurt me. His reaction could range from him begging for my forgiveness and shaming himself, to him raging, telling me I'm crazy, that he would hurt himself because I made him feel ‘inadequate’.

Many people would quickly remove themselves from a dynamic like this without a second thought, but I’m attached to him. It’s a simple reason, yet the feelings behind it are so large and complicated. This is the longest relationship I’ve ever been in, I can’t imagine not having him there in my life. Something about just knowing that someone would always be there, especially when you’ve had so many people in your life abandon you, was a comforting feeling. I was brought out of my thoughts when Kass said my name, her already standing outside of the parked car. I looked up at her, startled.

“You ok (Y/n)? We’re here.” She says slight concern in her voice.

“Yeah. Yeah, sorry. I just zoned out for some reason.” I say slightly confused, rubbing my face and trying to readjust myself after the weird moment. I get out, grab my work bag and then walk with her to set.

Once we entered the large, cold studio I was brought back to the reality that my life was. Something about just getting away from everything and spending the weekend with Josh and Kass felt so dreamy. Especially reconnecting with Josh, it took me back to earlier years, it made me feel young. It was crushing to think that in only one week the two of them would both be leaving. I had other friends here sure, but none that I connected with nearly as much as them. The thought put pressure on my chest, my eyes slightly stinging. I say my reluctant goodbyes to Kass as she heads to the backstage area, then walk up to Frank to see what my jobs would be for the day.

“Hey Frank. What should I focus on for today?” I ask and he looks up with annoyance.

“Well, Sydney already did a coffee run…” he says, insinuating that there would be no tasks left for me to do.

I motion to the hectic set around us. “It looks like there’s plenty going on. There must be something I can do.” I say and he huffs in annoyance, opening the folder in his shoulder, pulling out script packets, then handing them to me.

“Here, take these to the extras.” He grumbles, as if defeated by the idea of me doing anything remotely important at my own job.

I walk outside with the pages in my hand, the sun emitting a warm shine on me, the freeze of the morning air mostly gone. It was a nice day, if only I could just stay out here and not have to talk to Frank for the rest of it. One could only dream. I make my way to the extra’s holding area, seeing a line of people sitting and chatting. I greet them each with a smile, them returning the same kind energy as I hand the people with lines the page that matched their name tag. Everyone was polite and easy going until I reach the end of the line, a girl with blonde hair and piercing blue eyes glaring at me as she looks up from her phone.

“Hey, here you go…” A say with a slight smile, uncomfortable by her expression.

She takes the page from me without a word and looks down at it with an appalled look on her face. “Um this only has 2 lines…” She says bitterly, looking at me as if it were my fault.

“Um... well, you’re an extra. Most of the people here don’t even have lines.” I explain, trying to be kind as I motioned to the other actors and actresses who seemed perfectly content with their papers.

“Are you mocking me?” She asks with an unkind squint of her eyes.

“What? No, I'm just saying…”

“Last time I checked I was supposed to have 4 lines.” She quickly interrupts me.

“Well things change all the time, it’s not unusual for directors to cut lines last minute.” I explain, rubbing the back of my neck uncomfortably.

“I don’t like your tone.” She quips back and I summon all the energy in my body to avoid rolling my eyes.

“Well, I'm just trying to explain. I’m sorry.” I say as politely as possible.

“God can’t some of you people be competent?”

“Ok, I’m walking away now.” I finally decide and she scoffs. I didn’t have to waste my time defending myself against her. Not that a bigger role would excuse her behavior, but it really was crazy how even some of those with the smallest of roles still felt a sense of superiority over the production crew.

The rest of the day seemed to be a blur of inconveniences and an endless stream of snarky comments from Frank. There had been drama between the two main stars on set. Due to this, the film time for the scenes we needed for the day kept getting pushed back because of their halfhearted performances and bickering between scenes. This put a lot of stress on the set, causing everyone to be at each other's throats. Overall, it was not the best of workdays. Especially with my arrival home to Logan looming over my head. It was almost like the feeling you’d experience in childhood, when you got a bad grade on a test or got in trouble in class, and knew you’d have to come home and face your parents with the disappointment.

“Ugh I so don’t wanna do this.” I groan, getting back into the car with Kass.

“You don’t have to if you aren’t ready…” She suggests gently.

“No, I have to… It’s been almost 4 days now of me not being home. I have to, just running away like that wasn’t mature of me.” I sigh, titling my head against the headrest as she turns out of the lot.

“Hey, it’s reasonable to need some space sometimes, especially with what he did.” She reasons. “Have you thought of what you’re going to say?” She asks and I bite the inside of my cheek in thought.

“Honestly, no.” I admit after a brief silence. “I kind of just hope my emotions will guide me in the moment. I know I should have some thoughts prepared but, I just haven’t wanted to think back on the moment. It’s painful to think about.”

She glances over at me in sympathy. “I know you’ll figure it out. You’ll do what’s right for you.”

I smile weakly at this. I hope she’s right, Logan needed to know that what he did was unacceptable, but I haven’t even fully processed the situation yet. I just wonder if this is even something we can fully move past. The pure fear I felt when the glass hit the floor, the look of satisfaction in his eyes when he saw that the punch he threw at Josh had hurt him. His behavior was turning scary, to the point where I didn’t feel fully safe going home.

Kass pulls up into my driveway, which was absent of Logan’s car. Well, I guess I was ok for now. I didn’t have to talk to him yet.

“Are you sure you’re going to be ok?” Kass asks in concern, gently holding my hand as I stood outside the car.

“I’ll be fine, I promise.” I say, trying to swallow the lump of anxiety forming in my throat.

“Ok…” She says, clearly not believing me. “But please keep me updated. I wanna make sure you’re ok.”

“I will. Love you Kass. Thank you so much for everything this past weekend.” I say with a smile, slowly starting to close the door.

“Literally anytime and I love you too, text me!” She reminds me with an almost motherly concern.

“I will I promise. Seeya.” I say, closing the door, walking up to the house in the same fashion as one would walk a plank.

I pulled out my key to unlock the door, stepping inside. The usual warmth of the house seemed to have left while I was away, the lights dim and the house cold. I look over to the kitchen to see that he had at least cleaned up the glass. I set my bag down by the door, the gentle thud of it echoing. I take my laptop out of it, then take my work boots off and walk over to the couch. I flop down and await my doom, opening my laptop in an attempt to distract myself. It immediately opens to photoshop, where I had been editing the pictures I took of Josh at the pier. I had also been attempting to edit out his black eye just in case he wanted to post the photos and not receive 1000 worried comments asking about what had happened. Even just imagining him having to explain the fact that his friend’s boyfriend beat him up made me wince. Without the proper backstory it would give Josh a bad look. I smile as I look at Josh’s wide grin as he held his plastic alien on the screen. That day was so fun, I hope I’ll be able to get out with him again like that before he leaves on tour. I upload the finished photos to my files and click on the IMessage icon.

hey dude, i thought i should send you these in case you wanted them! i have the original versions which i only altered the physical appearance of color grading and exposure wise and then i also whipped out some of my probably rusty photoshop skills to cover your black eye for the same pics if you wanted to post them. [Files attached]

Josh: i was going to ask abt the pics but didn’t wanna be rude haha but holy shit these are amazing (y/n). you’ve gotten even more talented, these are sick! and thank you for the black eye coverage i greatly appreciate it, these are going right on my insta. but where are the pics of you? 🙌

thanks man :) and they are only mine you don’t get any sorry 👎👎

Josh: WHY! i need to show the gram which one of my talented homies took these pics

UGHHH... fine give me a second to edit them

Josh: yay i won 😁

no you didn’t i’m just nice 👎

I close the app and bring the photos of myself into Lightroom to edit, soothed by the repetitive process. I almost lost track of how much time had passed as I sent the finished pictures to Josh, startled out of my own little world as the doorknob twists and Logan walks inside. I slowly closed my laptop and sat it next to me, him stopping in his tracks and staring at me, his gaze cold, yet surprised. Streaks of blue and purple were spotted on the right side of his face from when Josh had hit him back.

“Where were you?” He asks right away, his tone suspicious and confrontational.

“I stayed at Kass’s for a few days...”

The familiar name seemed to soothe him. He looks to the side, his cheeks slightly puffing as he exhales, deep in thought. “Why’d you just disappear on me like that (Y/n)?” he asks, running a hand through his black hair as he stands by the door.

“You have some questions to answer too.” I rebut defensively, rubbing my arm.

“(Y/n)...” He says more gently, approaching me slowly.

“Why’d you throw the glass? Why’d you hit Josh?” I ask, my voice starting to slightly quiver as I thought about these violent actions coming from the man that I’ve loved and trusted these past years.

He sits next to me on the couch, keeping a bit of distance. “I-I don’t know what came over me. My anger... It gets the best of me. It just feels like I can’t even control it sometimes. Just something about seeing you laughing with another guy like that... I got jealous. I know I haven’t been very present recently. I just got worried that you replaced me because of it. I don’t know.” he says, looking away from my gaze.

“I need you to trust me though. You didn’t even give me a chance to explain before you got violent with him!” I explain desperately.

“Why are you so protective of him? He seemed to hold his own just fine.” He motions to the bruise on his face with his finger.

“Because he’s my friend.”

“Wasn’t this dude out of your life for like almost 4 years? Why is he so important now?” He asks intensely and I shake my head. So, he did listen to the things I would say. He just only reflected that fact when he needed to support his argument.

“Logan it’s not even about him. Forget Josh for one second. This is about the violence you showed in that moment. And the little remorse you show for it. It was scary…” I explain, massaging the bridge of my nose.

“Ok, ok. I’m sorry. I know it was wrong of me. And I’m sorry I scared you… and hurt him.” He adds, a little less genuinely. I need to work on being less territorial. I’m just… scared of losing you.”

“I am too.” I admit, my attachment to him being undeniable. “I just want you to show that more though. I wanna start feeling more seen by you, it feels like we’ve been so disconnected recently. I don’t know, I just wonder if you still even care sometimes.” I say quietly.

“Of course I care, I love you.” He says and moves his arms towards me. My heart seems to clench a moment before I accept his embrace, looking down at the ground.

“I love you too you just... you can’t do any of this anymore. Ok?” I say, pulling back from the hug. Especially the glass that... that scared me.”

He looks away guiltily. “I won’t. I’m sorry.”

The rest of the evening was quiet, and slightly tense. Logan made dinner, lit candles in the living room and poured us wine. It was sweet, I could tell he was trying. I gave him my thanks, but scolded myself for the fact that my behavior didn’t reflect more of my appreciation. As hard as I tried to act normal, it was difficult. We ate in silence in front of the Tv, the noise filling the void of conversation. It had become gloomy outside, the gray clouds creating a dark atmosphere in the living room, the glow of candles being the main source of light around us. After we finished eating, I helped Logan with the dishes and decided I needed to get some air.

“Hey, I’m gonna walk around the neighborhood real quick just so you know.” I say, walking out to the living room to go grab my earphones.

“Sounds good.” He says, slightly looking over his shoulder.

Once I grab my headphones and oversized black Adidas hoodie, I make my way outside after sliding on my shoes, the wind slightly blowing through hair. The leaves of the trees around flow along with the wind, the occasional car whooshing down the street. I connect my earphones to my phone and pull my hood up to protect my hair from the frequent breeze, then open Spotify. I press on the song Don’t Panic by Coldplay, putting my phone back in my pocket as the guitar strums in my ears.

It was calming to just lose myself in the music, music had always been somewhat of an escape for me. There was something so therapeutic about hearing your own emotions being perfectly translated into sound. That’s something I’ve always appreciated about Josh and Tyler’s music, I always felt seen by their lyrics. It made sense, I always seemed to relate to their struggles when we would have heart to hearts at the end of long shoot days when we were all in a delirious haze, laying across floors or couch’s, unwilling to move to head home yet. By coincidence, or perhaps fate, when I skipped through the shuffled songs after Don’t Panic, a song off Blurryface by the name of Hometown starts to play.

For once, I leave it on. I listen to Tyler’s reverberated voice in my ears and as odd as it may be, I felt at home again. I used to always skip their songs when Spotify recommended them. I almost always changed the radio station when they would start playing. Not out of hatred or bitterness. But before Josh and I had reconnected it had only served as a painful reminder that that period of my life that had become nothing but a mere echo of memories. I distinctly remember when I heard the boys on the radio for the first time.

── ࣪˖ ࣪ ⊹ ࣪ ˖ ── ── ࣪˖ ࣪ ⊹ ࣪ ˖ ── ── ࣪˖ ࣪ ⊹ ࣪ ˖ ──

December 16th, 2013.

I drive down the road, on the way back from a shoot with a new hipster looking clothing brand. It was a cool gig; everyone was chill, and the style was fun. I always appreciate the opportunity to build my portfolio as well as getting out of the usual gigs of headshots and family portraits. Because of the competitiveness of the photography industry, these were usually the only types I was usually able to get my hands on. A soft rain pattered against the window as the radio host’s voice droned on in the background after the last song had ended. I zoned out, following the motions of traffic until a familiar tune snapped me out it.

“I ponder of something great. My lungs will fill and then deflate...”

Holy shit. Car Radio. I had heard the song about a million times, practiced, recorded, performed. I feel my eyes start to well up and look behind me, seeing no cars following closely. I pull over to the shoulder of the road and park, looking down at my lap with a sigh. I wipe the tears starting to trickle down my cheeks as I listen to the song continue. It was hard to describe the emotions I felt. It hurt to think that just at the beginning of the year I was sitting in the studio with them, the excitement of their upcoming album release thrilling, the energy of life feeling uplifting with the progress they were making with their music, getting signed and all.

I had no idea it would be so short-lived on my end, following the end of Josh and I’s friendship. But despite my sadness, I can’t help but feel incredibly proud of them. I had to resist the urge to whip my phone out and text Josh an excited message about how he and Tyler were playing on the radio, about how much they deserved all the success they were starting to gain. I put my hand in my pocket, about to feel for my phone before I quickly pulled back. No, I can’t. It’s over, it’s time to let go. I rub my eyes and wipe the collected drops of rain off with my windshield wipers, starting to drive again.

── ࣪˖ ࣪ ⊹ ࣪ ˖ ── ── ࣪˖ ࣪ ⊹ ࣪ ˖ ── ── ࣪˖ ࣪ ⊹ ࣪ ˖ ──

I walk to the front door, turning the cold knob to be met with the sight of Logan sitting on the couch, his head down with my laptop open next to him. Oh god. What happened? He slowly looks up in vexation, his hands remaining folded on his lap.

“Why were you with him?” He spits out.

I sigh. So, he saw the photos. In all fairness, I see how it could’ve looked bad. In the eyes of one unaware of the characteristics of our friendship, the photos could have looked rather intimate. But the hangout was purely platonic, the pictures were taken with the point of building my portfolio and giving him content for his fans.

“With Josh? It was just a hangout. He invited me to hang out at the pier. I took pictures to build my portfolio and Instagram feed for my photography account. I know it may look bad and I’m sorry for not telling you we hung out, but we’re really just friends Logan. I swear.”

He shakes his head, roughly grabbing my laptop and looking through the photos again.

“I’m serious, you can even look through our texts I’m not hiding anything!”

He quickly opens the IMessage app at this, slowly scrolling through our conversations.

“You guys talk a lot.”

“Yeah, because we’re friends. We only recently reconnected, can you blame us for wanting to catch up?” I ask desperately and he remains silent, still focused on reading.

“I don’t like this one fucking bit. This isn’t comforting at all. You guys are way too friendly with each other.”

“I’m sorry, I really do understand why you feel like this. But me and him have always talked like this, we’ve never had any romantic history.”

“No romantic history doesn’t mean nothing ever happened...” He suggests snappily and I quickly shake my head.

“No! We’ve never done anything. I’m just not interested in him like that. I wish you’d understand that.” I say and he stands up.

“And I wish you’d see that you’re fucking lying not only to me but also yourself! It’s so obvious you want him, and I can’t stand it.” He accuses with a finger pointing at me, his eyes piercing into mine. “Just stop being friends with him (Y/n)! Before I lose my mind over this.”

“No!” I raise my voice, the response coming out harsher than I meant it to be, and he stares at me in shock. “I... I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to yell. I just... I already lost him. We only just recently reconnected. I finally have another close friend in my life, I feel so much less alone now. I need this.” I explain emotionally.

��I can’t fucking do this. You’re killing me.” He laughs bitterly. He storms out of the house, slamming the door behind him. I look down and notice my hands shaking in frustration. I lay down on my side on the couch, letting out quiet sobs.

I stayed like that for a while, crying for about half an hour until my eyes grew tired. I wipe my burning reddened eyes, sniffling as I opened my phone. I scroll, trying to find condolence in distraction. I didn’t know where Logan was or where he even went whenever we argued like this, but maybe it was good I was alone for now. He needed to blow off some steam. I open Instagram, seeing Josh’s post show up in my feed. I scroll through the colorful photos, seeing the one of me and my cotton candy at the end, my photography and regular account tagged. I slightly smile, my eyes moving down to read the caption.

joshuadun: night at the pier with a pretty swell friend who also happens to be an amazing photographer. thanks for the sick flics my dude (and for winning me my son mulder)

He put the handle of my photography account caption again. It was sweet of him to promote it so much. I look at the comments, people commenting mostly about how much they liked the shots (which were encouraging to read), about how good they thought Josh looked, some sweet ones about calling me pretty that made me smile, and of course the jealous dating accusations that came with any male celebrity posting a friend that happened to be a woman. The comments that stood out to me most though, were the comments from Tyler and Mark.

tylerrjoseph: um hello when did this reunion happen? josh i'm gonna beat you up for not telling me about this. we WILL all hang out and that is a threat

reelbearmedia: wow, (y/n)! that's a throwback tell her i said hi! (and that i said she took some cool shots) we should all reconnect

I chuckle softly at Tyler’s comment. It was nice to see they still cared about me like that. I knew they never stopped liking me because of the falling out or anything unreasonable, but I forgot they still valued me like I valued them. I shot them both a quick text separately saying hello. I explained how Josh and I had reconnected and made up, how I missed them both and apologized for my distance recently. While I waited for a response back from them, I went back on Instagram, surprised to see how blown up my notifications had become. On both my accounts, I was gaining hundreds of followers, all because I had photographed Josh. It was a reality check, it showed how adored he was. It made me slightly emotional; he really did deserve it.

I look at my comments starting to flood with support in disbelief. People genuinely liked my work? Of course I received the occasional compliment under my photos, but never in an overwhelming amount like this. I sniffled, smiling as I liked and replied to comments gratefully. Though it was gratifying to scroll through the positive comments, the pang of pain from me and Logan’s argument remained in my chest. I needed to talk to someone. In reality, lying here on my phone wasn’t doing me any good.

Before I can stop myself, I unconsciously press the call button Josh’s contact, him picking up only after a few rings.

“Hey, what’s up?” He asks, his voice warm.

“Hey I… Uh… Do you think I can come over maybe? I kinda need to talk to someone right now.” I ask guiltily, feeling remorse for not only putting a burden on him at the last minute, but also for turning right to him in my moment of weakness, despite the fact that me and Logan’s argument had happened because of him.

“Yes of course.” He responds quickly. “Are you ok?” He asks, hearing the strain in my voice

“Umm…. not really.” I admit, my lip starting to quiver.

“Come over, let’s talk. I’ll send you my address. Are you ok to drive?”

“Yeah, I’m good.”

“Ok be safe, I’ll see you soon.”

I walk up the stone path leading to the tall door of his house, knocking a few times. I text him to let him know it’s me and right after he opens the door, adorned in a faded gray band crew neck and black sweatpants, his pink hair messy.

“Hey.” he says softly, reaching out his arms and I quickly accept his embrace, the heat of his body and the softness of his sweater comforting to cling onto.

“Hey.” I reply back, slightly quiet, embarrassed about coming to him like this.

“Here, I have a place we can talk.” He says, motioning for me to follow him. I close and lock the door behind me, letting out a soft giggle. “What, you have a therapy room or something?”

“Nooo!” He replies with a teasing roll of his eyes. “Just follow me, you’ll see.”

I listened and followed him out to the backyard which was a large expanse of grass that had a pool and workout equipment sprawled everywhere, along with tall palm trees planted along the edges. The most attractive part of it was the straight on view of the city. I marvel at the view before he leads me to the side of the house, motioning to a large ladder that went up the side of the building.

“What is this like a fire escape?” I ask slowly, confused and suspicious.

“Yeah, and also a sick pathway to the roof. Climb up.” He says with a smile.

“Um I don’t know if I should listen to a strange scary man demanding me to climb up a tall ladder to a roof.” I joke, slightly nervous about how high up it went.

“Oh yes of course, I’m terrifying” He chuckles with a toothy grin. “Come on you can trust me! I’m having you go first so I can catch you if you fall.”

“If I fall? Is that like.... a likely possibility?” I asked with a laugh.

“You’re safe I promise!”

“Ok fine, I trust you.” I say warningly, as if he would regret breaking it.

He smiles and whoops encouragingly as I grab onto the burnt auburn colored metal, the smooth texture slightly dusty under my fingers. I start climbing up, carefully watching my hands and feet, making sure they aligned perfectly with the bars. I glance down once I’m about halfway up, fully looking down worriedly when I see how far up I am from the ground.

“I got you!” Josh shouts, reassuring me. I let out an anxious breath and continued making my way up, a wave of relief washing over me when I finally made it to the top of the smooth roof, letting out a soft gasp at the full view of the city, the lights twinkling like stars in a night sky. I sit down criss cross, watching Josh make his way up, with much more confidence than I had.

“Wow you did that a whole lot faster than I did.” I say with a smile, and he shakes his head.

“I come up here all the time I’m just used to it; it was your first time climbing up!”

“And it was terrifying.” I say with a breathy laugh.

“But look at this view though, wasn’t that worth it?” He asks with a smile, scotching closer to me and I nod.

“So worth it, this is fucking beautiful.” I say, looking forward as I admire the lights. “This is just like the old days.” I say appreciatively, reflecting on me and Josh’s rooftop conversations back in Columbus. I rented a small two-story house with a few of my friends and my room was on the second floor, my window having easy access to the roof. When he’d come over, the two of us would often sit up there to just talk, watch the sunsets, stargaze, or when I needed a smoke break, which was a habit he often scolded.

He chuckles at my comment. “Totally, except this is a pretty drastic upgrade.” He says, motioning towards the city of Los Angeles, our view being tall buildings and twinkling lights instead of a top view of my neighbor's houses.

I giggle and nod. “Yeah, it’s a nice change to not feel like a stalker looking at the roofs of random people’s houses.” I say, rummaging through my mini backpack laying at my side for my cigarette case I remembered I had in there, along with a lighter. I open the case, placing one between my lips and lighting it, cupping the flame with my hand. Josh looks over at me with his head rested against the arm on his knee.

“You still doing that?” he asks as I inhale, blowing out the cloud of gray smoke.

“Only sometimes now. When I’m out with people or when I’m stressed...” I say, looking down at my feet as I take another puff.

“What’s been happening (Y/n)?” he asks softly, a genuine concern in his voice. “I can tell you’re upset, and you sounded really sad on the phone.” He points out.

I exhale, preparing myself to talk. “I’ve just been struggling recently honestly. I’m just… not happy with where I am at all.” I say, my voice slightly breaking I as I process my own words.

He looks at me, his eyebrows furrowed in concern. He reaches his hand out to mine, squeezing it softly, a reassuring motivation for me to continue.

“Things with Logan have just been crazy recently. His anger issues have just been getting bad. I’ve always known that that was an issue for him but, just seeing him hit you like that.” I say emotionally and he nods slowly. The purple bruise on his eye had started to fade but it was still noticeable. “And that same day when we argued afterwards, he got upset and he... threw a glass on the floor it was scary honestly.” I say with uncertainty, taking another drag of my cigarette.

“He threw something?” Josh asks, raising his eyebrows in concern.

“Yeah...”

“At you?”

“No, it wasn’t at me but...” I say, attempting to defend Logan but he shakes his head.

“That’s not ok at all. That’s a threatening action and you should never have to feel like you’re in danger with the person you love.” He explains worriedly and I nod sadly, looking off into the distance. “You know you don’t have to put up with this, right…?” He asks slowly and I nod.

“I know but… I love him.” I say softly and Josh nods solemnly, a silence lingering between us momentarily. “He regrets what he did, he apologized. It won’t happen again but even knowing that… I’m still mad at him honestly.” I say with a sigh.

“You aren’t wrong to feel that way, you should be.”

“Yeah. I love him but I’m just… not happy with him right now. It’s hard to be around him now.”

“Look. It’s not my place to tell you what to do with your relationship. But I just want to remind you that built up anger over time almost always leads to resentment in relationships. I feel awful for saying this but… I kind of hated Sophia at the end of our relationship. I had all this anger from the things she did to me, and I just never forgave her for them. It’s just hard to make things work out if your partner does something you consider unforgivable because you’ll always hold that anger inside you.” He explains.

“Yeah. You’re right. I do resent him a little.” I admit quietly, wiping tears forming in my eyes. He nods understandingly in silence, holding my shoulder comfortingly.

I sigh heavily, laying back to look up at the stars dotted throughout the sky, Josh doing the same. It was no view compared to our nights stargazing in Columbus due to the light pollution here, but it was still pretty. I stare at the dark, vast expanse of the sky, the twinkling stars dotted across like little holes of light in the dark blanket. Whenever I looked up at the sky like this, it reminded me how small I was compared to the rest of the universe, along with how much more there was out there in the world.

“I feel like there’s so much more to life that I’m missing out on.” I admit suddenly, looking over at Josh and he meets my gaze.

“What do you mean?”

“I feel stuck. I’m living such a dull and depressing life right now I just… feel like I could be doing so much more. I’m tired of everything, I just wanna run away.” I laugh, slightly exasperated by my thoughts.

“Why don’t you then?” he asks, holding my gaze.

I laugh sadly. “Work, money, needing to survive...” I say, putting the ciggerate out on the concrete of the shingles next to me.

“What if you just left all that shit behind for a while?”

“Trust me I’d love to. But how?” I ask, my hands folded over my stomach.

He twiddles his thumbs anxiously, looking up at the sky as if mentally preparing himself. He turns back to me, his eyes full of hope. “Come with me.”

“What?” I ask, my eyes brows furrowing in confusion.

“Come with me… on tour.” He suggested nervously and my lips slightly parted in shock.

“Are you serious?” I ask and he sits up, me doing the same.

“Yeah, I am. Me and Tyler need another photographer, and your work is stunning. We love your style, I mean we always have. Tyler and I talked about the idea a little bit on call today actually and… we’d really like to bring you on as our photographer for this leg of the tour if you’d be willing to?”

I laugh in disbelief. “I-I’d love to...” I say, running my hand through my hair, my happiness quickly vanishing when I came to the realization that it was completely unrealistic. “But... I can’t.” I sigh and Josh frowns.

“I know it’s last minute but...”

“No, it’s not that.” I interrupted him. “I’m getting married in a few months... I can’t just up and leave. Plus, I can’t even imagine how Logan would react.” I say, thinking about his extreme jealousy over Josh.

“Is that the only thing preventing you from saying yes?”

“Yeah...”

“(Y/n).” He says gently, looking at me with care. “Of course, your partner should be important to you in decisions like this, but he shouldn't be a factor holding you back from something you’ve been dreaming of doing. I know how long you’ve wanted to be a photographer for. I know this is what you believed your future was going to be. Why not make it true? You can always get married later; you have time to move the date. Fulfilling your goals and dreams should be your priority right now, especially if you aren’t exactly happy in your situation.” He reasons softly.

I process his words. He wasn’t wrong. This has always been a passion of mine, and honestly with the boy's rising success during the time I was still working with them, I did believe my future would involve them. It felt fated that I worked for them again in a way. Logan would be the single only factor holding me back from pursuing this, and with the fact that it’s something I genuinely want to do, that shouldn’t be the case. He should understand and support me. I knew that his immediate instinct would most likely not be to do that, but if we had a conversation about this maybe, just maybe he would understand. It was starting to become clear that we do need some space from each other regardless.

“Yeah... ok. Fuck it.” I say with a laugh, not even believing that I was agreeing, and Josh laughs too.

“Really?” he asks excitedly.

“Yes, oh my gosh.” I say, leaning forward and taking Josh into a hug, him chuckling as he hugged me back. “Josh. Thank you so much, this is such a huge opportunity.” I say genuinely as I pull back.

“Of course, you really do deserve it. Tyler and I are beyond thrilled to bring you back on, we missed you.” He says with a smile.

“I missed you guys too.” I say softly, looking off into the distance at the view. The air held a lightness, and an excitement for what was to come. Both were feelings that I hadn't felt in a long time. We sit in comfortable silence, both of us watching the world move below us in our moment of stillness.

[beneathashadytree]

Hi guys!! Kind of a long post here, but it’s actually pretty important, so give it a read if you’re a writer and you’ve got the time!

Please be careful when tagging your fics/posts. I know many people are new to Tumblr/fandom around here, but Tumblr’s tagging system is not the same as Instagram or AO3. You can’t filter posts to show only certain things while simultaneously avoiding other tags. So using the tags that are only relevant keeps things all tidy on this website, and makes it easier to navigate.

Also, cross-tagging clutters the tags. Sometimes I’m only feeling like reading a Zayne fic, but his tag is full of Sylus fics because people incorrectly tag their works. I know we all want more people to read our works, so cross-tagging is a sure-fire way to get more people to see it, but trust me it’s only harmful to the community/fandom because it causes readers to be unable to find the stuff they’re actually looking for amidst all the clutter☹️

Another thing: please, for the love of everything good, tag your smut fics as smut fics only and not fluff. I myself am on the ace spectrum, and my relationship with sex (even when written!) fluctuates daily. Sometimes I’m completely sex-averse and reading anything remotely sexual icks me out, and sometimes I’m perfectly okay with writing and consuming sexual content. That means that I can’t just block out the smut tag since I do occasionally seek it out, so instead I’d normally avoid searching it up until I want to read it. But now, I end up searching the fluff tags and find straight up porn lying there, which I’m definitely not in the mood for. It’s jarring, to say the least.

And for the people who do want to read smut specifically, tagging your fics as smut only makes it much easier for them to find your work!! This way, you’ll curate your audience and make their reading experience go more smoothly. You avoid attracting people who don’t want to read smut, and you bring in the people who want more of it!! It’s a win-win situation🙏🏽

One last thing: please clarify if the seemingly-innocent thing you’re writing about is a kink. Whether it’s in the warnings prefacing your fic, or in the tags, I’d much rather not be jumpscared mid-reading by things turning sexual when they weren’t remotely so at the start. I’ll be reading a cute little fic about tickling or something, then I’ll find out that this writer has a tickling kink😭 Enjoy whatever you like bestie, just make sure to correctly tag that/add warnings so that others don’t unknowingly consume content that they’re actually not into.

[callme-aprilroseisha04]

I so badly wanna know what's going on with Sonic in your Voices AU!!! (This is an invitation for you to info dump if you so desire)

OK so originally I had this MONSTER essay on what this was about but im really really bad at explaining things and I don’t want to leave you hanging forever so instead I’ll just give you a basic rundown of the concept and all the plot points. Also, important thing to mention, I HAVEN’T FINISHED SEASON 2 YET. Y’know, where the majority of my AU takes place. Haven’t finished that. Haven’t even seen Chaos Metal Sonic. Sorry, sorry, I know, I’m a fake fan but in my defense every time I turn on the show I want to bang my head against a wall, tear all my skin of, and run in circles at the speed of light (in a good way) (but also in a bad way) (a good bad way). Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, I need to quickly explain the concept behind this. In the first episode of Season 2, Avoid the Void, Sonic doesn’t realize that he can run out of the Ghost World. He’s stuck there. This also means that he can’t save shadow from falling into the void (this is why shadow doesn’t have his arm or his leg in my au illustrations, he wakes up before he can be fully disintegrated, but he did lose some limbs.) Back to Sonic, since he has nothing better to do, he tries to take a nap at the beach where his friends are at and starts “taking” to Tail’s projection. Then, the voice comes. I don’t really know how to describe this. There is a voice, like the name says, but it’s also a lot more complicated than that. When “it” comes, Sonic can’t hear anything; or, well actually he can hear things (sometimes the noise feels oppressively loud) but he doesn’t know what people are saying, so to him it just sounds like gibberish. Also, this isn’t always true, (it just depends) but his eyes won’t focus properly and they get really blurry, like can’t see what’s in-front of you blurry. Also, headaches! Because apparently we needed to make this even worse for him for some reason!!!!! It’s not at its worst here, but as you can expect, he is pretty disoriented after it’s done. Shadow comes back to the ghost world, Sonic is understandably surprised by HIS LACK OF TWO LIMBS, he gets the tech and bounces, yadayadayada, all the stuff. More importantly, now we get Nine back! Chapter two; Sonic goes to Boscage Maze, they’re ripping the place up, Sonic goes to help Thorn, mini “voice” episode (as an appetizer), he gets a tech upgrade from Nine, he goes to fight, gets the main course “voice” episode, Nine gets in trouble cause emo tween egg boy caught him talking to Sonic trying to figure out what’s wrong with him and why he’s talking to himself, Sonic gets the shard from Thorn, he runs of with it, emo eggboy sends a message that they’re gonna kill Nine unless Sonic gives them the shard, Nine tells him not to, he goes anyway and THROWS THE SHARD INTO THE OTHER SHARDS THE EGGMEN HAD COLLECTED SO HE CAN SAVE NINE, (he tries to get the shards back but they got swarmed by robots) and finally they get out and go to the ghost world. Shadow is really, REALLY mad at him for trading a SHARD just to save his little kit boy and ALSO mad because Sonic wants to keep Nine there, to keep him safe. Eventually, Shadow gives in after Nine mentions that he could build Shadow a prosthetic, but he adds the clause that the moment Nine finishes the prosthetic, he leaves. After that, Sonic goes to get the rest of the shards back while Nine makes Shadow’s prosthetic at Tail’s workshop. For the next few chapters, Sonic get into some sort of a routine; Try to get the shards, come back to the ghost world to rest, squabble with Shadow, chat with Nine for a little, and repeat. Some important things to mention from this period are: 

Nine is intentionally taking his time making Shadows prosthetic (Sonic’s idea) as well as making it break really easily & adding a secret “feature” that allows him to $&@!?ING electrocute him from afar using a remote implanted in his mechanical tails (both and especially the last one NOT Sonic’s idea); 

Sonic doesn’t actually sleep during this time, he just takes 3 hour naps so he can get back home quicker, which only worsens the voice thing; 

Shadow, (who doesn’t understand anything about what’s going on with Sonic other than the vague sense that something’s wrong with him, unlike Nine who got a basic lil explanation from Sonic after asking wtf happened at boscage maze) is getting increasingly frustrated with Sonic because of how long it’s taking for him to get all the shards, as well as his continual trusting of Nine.

This continues for a while, those “episodes” get worse and worse, Sonic grows closer to Nine and tension keeps building between Sonic & Shadow until <drumroll………>

THE EGG COUNCIL COMES!!!!! Again, since I still haven’t seen season two of Sonic Prime, I don’t really know how this is gonna happen, but I do know it’s gonna happen. (btw Nine finishes Shadow’s prosthetic & leaves like a day before the egg council comes.) This is a massive battle and I have like a whole thing on how it’s gonna play out but the important things to note for the story are: Shadow finally sees Sonic’s “episodes” play out in front of him and he is understandably confused and concerned, but their in a battle right now so he can’t really do anything about it and <another drum roll please…..>

SONIC TRIES TO CHOP OFF HIS F$!?KING ARM! Ok, I definitely need to explain this a little more. During the first occurrence of the “voice,” it mentions something about them and Sonic being the same person, & basically says “I am a part of you, Sonic. The only way to get rid of me is to get rid of you.”  Edgy stuff like that, y’know? Well, during this one, it repeats that phrase again and in true Sonic fashion, he decides to do something incredibly stupid, risky, and drastic based on even dumberreasoning. You see, the voice said it was a part of him, not all of him. It also said that in order to get the voice out, he’d have to “get rid” of himself too. So, using this logic, if he only gets rid of a part of him, then he gets to keep living without the voice constantly haunting his every move! This is admittedly pretty silly logic, but he was in the middle of what is essentially a scaled up panic attack, so cut him some slack, OK? He tried to use a piece of scrap metal that fell off the robot to remove it, which unsurprisingly doesn’t work very well. It only ends up cutting halfway, but Sonic can’t really tell that it’s still attached since he’s so tired, & “it” did shut up after he stabbed his arm open soooooooo¯\_(ツ)_/¯. He manages to drive the egg council off to their own dimension before passing out from blood loss, leaving Shadow to rush him to Tail’s workshop so he can get bandaged up, made harder with Shadz’s new leg getting absolutely trashed. When Sonic finally wakes up, Shadow is confused, deeply concerned, and angry with him for almost killing himself for seemingly no reason. Sonic, however, is incredibly calm about the whole thing and nonchalantly explains why he cut off his arm during the battle, until he realizes his arm is still attached to him 

Here’s a comic page of the next scene:

He leaves to go get more shards and get Nine back to fix Shadows leg, which Shadow predictively grumbles about. This is a pretty light chapter, besides the ending:

Nine and Sonic are hanging out, having fun, the usual. Nine points out how cheery Sonic is right now, and Sonic starts to explain why he’s in such a good mood while Nine passes a small knife for him to hold while he does other things. Sonic, in the middle of his explanation, is cut off by…… “it” and proceeds to frantically rip off his bandages and try to cut the remainder of his arm off with the knife Nine gave him. Nine, who has no idea what’s going on, tries to wrangle back the knife from Sonic. In the struggle, Sonic ends up permanently scaring Nine on one of his eyes. It was an accident of course, but Nine bolts out of the workshop and zaps the door so Sonic can’t chase after him all the same. Sonic breaks down. 

After a bit, (about 30 minutes or so,) and after seeing and briefly meeting with Nine to ask where Sonic has been since he should be with him at the workshop; Nine responded with a suggestion to check for himself, Shadow decides to take Nine’s advice and go. Here’s the scene I wrote for this, as well as the comic I made (they have some dialogue differences, but the general idea is the same.)

“Sonic,”

He didn’t even look up. He was completely unfazed, almost expecting it.

“Sonic!”

Finally realizing who it was, he made a soft gasp, which, however small, was enough for Shadow to know he was listening.

“Do you know how big of a mess you’ve just made?”

They both stayed silent.

“Let me get this straight: That, … thing came back,”

The blue hedgehog sitting on the floor appeared perfectly still in the darkness of Tail’s old workshop.

“So you decided that it would be a good idea to try to cut your arm off again, even though it clearly didn’t work the first time, and I explicitly said not to, because we didn’t have the medical supplies to patch you up after,”

This time, he made a slight nod downwards.

“And when the fox tried to stop you, you hit him in his FUCKING eye? Is that all? Does it get any worse than that?”

The hedgehog didn’t respond. He was focused on something else.

“Are you even listening?”

Complete. Silence.

“Of course not. Of course you’re not listening. You never have, so why start now, huh?”

Shadow broke into a grin.

“You can’t listen to anyone, can you? Not your friends, not your allies, not even your own family! You’re Sonic the Hedgehog. The arrogant, narcissistic, naive, idiot hero who destroyed his own world because he couldn’t slow down. That’s all you are.”

Still nothing. He got angrier.

“I’m TIRED of your NONSENSE! I’m TIRED of you just sitting around having a PITY PARTY over something YOU CAUSED YOURSELF!”

Shadow grew quiet.

“I’m tired of your games, Sonic.”

A cold, hard, stare crossed the black and red hedgehog’s face.

“SO GET UP ALREADY!”

He forcefully pulled him off the ground, and for the first time during this whole conversation, Sonic spoke. He… screamed, a scream so loud you could hear it from a mile away. 

Shadow let go. 

Then, he slowly lowered his hand to his face, and …. No. The hedgehog gazed into the person standing before him, looking for something, anything, any semblance of the hedgehog he knew, but all that met him was an empty husk that he could barely even recognize.

“I-”

Sonic ran past him. He was gone. And Shadow didn’t know if he would ever come back.

“I’m sorry.”

———————————————————————

Sonic runs into the New Yoke rebel base and patches himself up. He’s able to get two shards from the egg council, but the rebel base is found in the process. There’s only one left, besides the Grim shard. Before Sonic leaves, Shadow tries to talk to him for a moment, but once he got a hold of him, he doesn’t know what to say. Does he apologize? Would that make things worse? Is he just supposed to wait it out and hope Sonic’s friends will help him? Sonic is still able to collect the shards, so they’re still getting back home, but what will happen after that? As much as Shadow hated to admit it, Sonic and his friends were just about the only force that could stop The Doctor from completing whatever world ending scheme he cooked up that week, other than himself. If he …. If something bad happened to Sonic after this, and he couldn’t get back up from it, and if he couldn’t pick up the slack, then….

He didn’t know what would happen. 

Shadow is barely able to get a word in before Sonic leaves to get the last shard. There’s nothing left to do.

Before we move on to the next plot point in the story, i want to talk about Nine for a second, since we haven’t really gotten the chance to explore him at all yet. A quick little thing I want to note is that Nine knows what the plan is in the AU. Get the shards, put them together, and save this world. He is planningto betray Sonic in this. At the same time, he’s also a lot closer to him. They hang out more, they chat more, and both of them feel the other is the only one on their side right now. Nine reasons that he can just convince Sonic to come with him, since they’re friends after all. He doesn’t really pay Shadow any mind, just thinking of him as an antagonistic coworker, not a real threat. The zapper he put in his leg was just a backup plan, incase he couldn’t fight him himself for one reason or another. Sonic and Nine were a team. They wouldn’t hurt each other. Until they did. Until Sonic did. After the incident, all of the trust between the two is gone. Nine doesn’t blame Sonic per say, he knows that Sonic was just desperate for it to stop, but he’s still angry. He’s angry at himself for trusting him. For trusting that he wouldn’t get hurt. From this point onwards, neither of them try to talk to each other. Nines plan only changes slightly.  He won’t try to convince Sonic to come with him. He won’t make that mistake again. 

Sonic’s feelings are a bit more complicated than Nine’s. He wants to fix everything, but he can’t. He wants everything to go back to normal, but too much has happened for that to even be a possibility. He wants everything to just stop for a minute, to just let him rest, but no matter what, it won’t. He just has to keep going. He just has to keep moving forwards. 

Sonic gets the last shard (Sonic and Shadow have to fight off the egg council again; it’s pretty awkward), and Nine finally puts his plan into motion. Using a machine he built while Sonic wasn’t around, he creates a portal to the Grim, his new home. Sonic begs Nine not to do this, that they’re friends, but that only makes Nine angrier. If they were friends, then Sonic would want to help him, if they were friends, then Sonic would’ve listened to him, and if they were actually, really friends then Sonic WOULDN’TV’E DONE THIS TO HIM.

Shadow had been outside the whole time listening to this, and he has heard enough of Nine’s ramblings. He lunged straight at Nine, but just as he’s about to reach him…. ZAP.  They both stare down at Shadow’s limp, burned body. Sonic’s head started spinning rapidly. He couldn’t tell who was in front of him, he couldn’t tell what was going on, he couldn’t tell where he was or who he was or why he was doing any of this at all. All he knew was that Shadow. Was. Dead. Because of him. Because hedecided to trust him. He spin-dashed straight into the kit’s chest, pressing him deeper and deeper into the rough, ragged cavern floor. One of his mechanical tails snapped from the shear force the spin dash on his body. Sonic slowly picked the broken hunk of metal, held it above the little fox’s body, and …

He ran as far as he can go. He ran and ran until he just couldn’t anymore and broke down in the middle of f@!king boscage maze. They’re dead. Both of them are dead. And it’s his fault isn’t it? If he had listened to Shadow about Nine then he wouldn’t had gotten electrocuted. If he had listened to Nine then Nine wouldn’t have betrayed them. If he had listened to his friends then none of this would’ve happened in the first place. But he didn’t. And now they’re all dead. So why even try? Why even try to help people if you only end up hurting them? What’s the point? What’s the point of anything anymore? Sonic’s grip on sanity finally snaps, when someone finally finds him….

It’s Thorn. She’s been watching Sonic this whole time and is understandably disturbed by the whole, watching someone have a meltdown thing. Seeing that Sonic has seemingly calmed down, she reaches to ask what happened to him, why he was so scared, but it was too late. Sonic grabbed Thorn by the neck, just before Mangey, Prim, and Gnarly came looking for her. Meanwhile:

Shadow tackles Nine, shoving him into the portal and just barely managing to close it before he got back. But now, both Shadow and Nine are both stranded. Without the shards, Nine can’t create a portal to escape the Grim. Shadow can’t enter any of the shatter spaces, so even if he could leave the ghost world, he’d still be trapped. They’re both stuck. 

Back with Sonic, the boscage maze crew are still trying to snap him out of it as he attacks them and their home. Prim keeps arguing this is pointless, that they should just beat him up until he leaves, but Thorn won’t let that happen. Sonic’s still in there. He has to be. This gamble fails, the forest is mostly destroyed and Mangey is injured. (btw the boscage maze stuff I just talked about isn’t very plot relevant, just wanted to mention it cause I could.) When Sonic finally leaves boscage, he plans to go to the other realities as well, destroying them one by one. But, for some reason, he decides to go to the Grim instead. He’s not quite sure why, but goes anyway. Why not, after all? 

Nine has been on edge the entire time he’s been in the Grim. It made sense, after all. Sonic was still alive, and presumably, still looking for the last shard. His best bet was to try to find it before he found him. Nine had been searching for about a day and a half, getting increasingly desperate by the hour. He wished he had stolen the tech he gave to Sonic, or made another one that could help him track where the shard was. Suddenly, Sonic arrives. And Nine’s not exactly happy to see him again. Sonic immediately starts attacking, Nine trying as hard as he can to get a hit in. As they’re fighting, Nine has a realization. He can use this to his advantage. All he has to do is keep Sonic chasing him and his shoes will tell him where the last shard is. Then, try to trigger the “voice” so he can get the shard. Finally, finish. the. job. Unfortunately, the second step doesn’t go to plan. He’s able to get the shard but…….

Sonic gets to him before Nine could run off with it.

And when he watched him bleed out, when he watched the blood pour out of his chest, when he realized that he was dead, that there was no way he could come back from this, no way he could still miraculously be alive, no chance that he could ever fix what he had done, Sonic fully accepted what he had become. A mindless, murderous, monster.

Shadow has been waiting this whole time; waiting for Sonic, waiting for the last shard, and waiting for a chance to actually apologize for what happened at the workshop. But that chance had already passed, it seemed. Sonic slowly walked into the cave, where everything started, Grim shard and metal tail both in hand. The two hedgehogs met eyes. Sonic stood in shock for a minute, then smiled. One last person to kill.  He hopped down from the cave’s mouth, tossed the shard to the side, and gripped the bloody scrap metal harder. Then, he lunged. They start battling it out as Shadow tries to put the pieces together on what happened. Sonic keeps teasing and joking with Shadz while they’re battling it out. Eventually it just devolve into rants about how stupid everything is, and how stupid he was for ever thinking he was a good person. When Shadow finally gets a good look at how deteriorated Sonic’s mind has become, he can’t help but wonder what he could’ve done to stop this. But it’s too late for that now. He was too slow. Shadow eventually gets the upper hand and corners Sonic, toppling him over. Here’s the passage I wrote for the next scene: 

——————————————————————

Shadow grasped the jagged piece of metal and held it just above the blue hedgehog’s skull, shaking with what he couldn’t tell was rage or fear. Sonic’s eyes stared up at him, his maniacal grin completely wiped. Instead, a blank expression crossed his face. It wasn’t exactly fear, it wasn’t exactly shock, it wasn’t exactly sadness and it wasn’t exactly relief. It was…. everything, all mashed into one giant, unreadable expression. For once, Shadow felt he genuinely understood Sonic. For once, he knew exactly what he was feeling. Shadow dropped the blade. He hugged him.

“Wh-?”

“Because you need it.”

Sonic couldn’t hold back any longer. The tears that he had been repressing for so long now streamed down his cheeks like waterfalls as he leaned further and further into Shadow’s embrace. All the words he had wanted to say for so long spilled out of his mouth in a giant river, jumbled and broken and completely incoherent as he tried to explain it all, as he tried and tried and tried to apologize for everything he had done. 

“I-I didn’t-”

“Shhh”

“I j-just-”

“Shhh”

“I c-couldn’t”

“It��s OK. Sonic, look at me.”

He lifted up Sonic’s tear stricken face with his hand, staring into his eyes, tinted with pain.

“It’s all gonna be OK.”

the end.

———————————————————————

And that’s it! This took a while to write, so thanks for sticking around through it all, that was really cool of you. A few little notes about the epilogue & after story.

Epilogue:

I need to clear something up before I can start discussing what happens in the epilogue. You may have noticed some of the Sonic art I’ve posted (mostly the ones with Sonic using a prosthetic arm) mentioned something about an epilogue. This is a mistake. What past me was trying to say was that this was from the after story. I just forgot the word for it, sorry! With that out of the way, let’s begin. After Sonic’s finally cried it all out, they both get up and he thanks Shadow for the hug. Shadow accepts, and there’s a cute lil scene where the two of them are just… talking, while they go to grab the last shard from the top of the mountain to put it back in its place. After they’re done, Sonic hesitates for a moment. Should he go back to them? After everything, he doesn’t really believe that they would want to see him, not after what he’d done. But Shadow reassures him that if HE could forgive Sonic, then his friends probably would too. They both go their separate ways, and Sonic finally gets to see his friends again. He (tries) to explain what happened, why he’s missing an arm and covered in blood, all that stuff, and they are understandably horrified at…. EVERYTHING he’s saying but ultimately forgive him. They all leave to get chili dogs, and we end with the whole gang minus Shadow having a picnic and Sonic FINALLY taking a nap on Tail’s tails.

After Story: 

I don’t have much of this part planned out outside from a prosthetic design for Sonic and the BAREST of story outlines so I’m just gonna make a bullet point list.

Eggman steals the paradox prism

Everyone (including Shadow) gets together to make a plan to steal it back

Sonic messes up the plan somehow and starts freaking out

Shadow yells at him, making it worse

Sonic runs away and has a panic attack 

After he calms down a little, Shadow goes to apologize 

They go back and come up with a new plan

It works & they all go get some food (including Shadow, after a lot of convincing)

———————————————————————

Final, FINAL Notes: OH MY GOD THIS TOOK SO LONG TO WRITE THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE DONE IN ONE WEEK OH MY GOD. thank you again so much for reading all of this this is so long oh my freaking god why’d I make this so long? uh, this mostly serves as a reference sheet so you know what scene im drawing so I can stop getting questions on what is going on. speaking of questions, if you have any, ask! im bad at explaining stuff, so im sure there’s PLENTY. just to make sure im not getting anyone’s hopes up btw, i dont know if I’ll actually end up making this a full fic, mostly cause ive never made one before & i dont know how to use ao3 yet :( feel free to use any and all ideas mentioned within this mega-essay with or without credit, i support you! with this last, last, LAST note, I think I will leave you be.

(also sorry that this took so long to write, it got deleted 3 separate times so I had to start over haha :))))))))))

[andronomenom]

Bruisers Part III: Can I Still be Gentle?

18+ MDNI

Content warnings: addiction, relapse, alcohol, hangover/vomiting, honestly mostly angst, tiny bit of comfort

Word Count ~ 3.8k

Author’s Note: Part three? Two parts in two days? I’m not done with this yet. So much for a one shot.

Not edited, hopefully coherent. Heed the content warnings.

Bucky Barnes x Reader, not even remotely canon so don’t come at me, reader and Bucky have been posted at a military base together but have no established friendship, no use of Y/N, reader is referred to as “Scout”, no assigned gender. Reader relapses, Bucky’s there to pick up the pieces.

In the rare event that this is worth stealing, I wrote this myself. You do not have permission to copy or repost this without crediting me. I may not know where you live, but I can figure it out.

~~~

It was a few days before you were ready, really ready to return to base. Not something you were looking forward to, but something that you told yourself needed to be done.

For the first time in what may have been years, you had done nothing. A few days in quiet, your biggest ventures being quiet walks through the woods. You remembered why you got into your line of work.

You enjoyed the quiet of the forest, you enjoyed trying to move like you weren’t there. Move silently not because you needed to hide, but because you were enjoying watching. For these few quiet days, everything else felt a little less important. It had to come to an end eventually though.

Bucky dropped you off at your car so you could drive back to base alone. It gave you time to fall back into routine without alerting anyone to your temporary fragile state of mind. Or, at least you hoped it was temporary.

It was easy to say you were fine, it was easy to greet your team and turn any questions they had about your brief break back to them. Did the commander get their reports? Did he try to send them anywhere while you were gone? No to both.

You weren’t surprised to hear either. Of course he didn’t want their input, he just wanted things to run smoothly. And that was probably the same reason he let your team rest while you were gone. You kept things running smoothly. You listened to every complaint. You let your team vent, you stood up for them as needed, you kept it under control. God forbid he had to get his hands dirty with the concerns of others.

And then, it was time to make your own report. Time to fill in both your commander and Bucky on the events that had transpired on your last mission. You had managed to avoid getting into it since you left. Now, you had no choice but to do so. At least were alone in the commander’s office, able to say your piece without acknowledging how painful it was.

It wasn’t all that bad at first. If you just stayed the facts it was almost like it had happened to someone else. You could just be a third party recounting a story, not a character in it.

“Lietnenant, I don’t need to know the time of every event. Tell me what you saw so we can decide whether or not to move in.”

Shit, he was onto you. Onto the way you delivered every detail as if they were all related incidents that concluded in a difficult day. You were almost tempted to play it down. Make it seem like there was nothing to worry about because you knew who the first boots on the ground would be. But, you also knew he wouldn’t rest until he got what he wanted out of you. He always seemed to know more than he was letting on, he just wanted to hear it from your lips.

“I don’t know who they are or what they want, but someone is building a base of their own there. They don’t want company, and they’re armed. They heard us before we saw them. Maybe fifty people. I told my unit to retreat before it turned into a fight and they were able to.” You didn’t get into the various mild injuries that occurred or how scared everyone left. The medical reports would spell that out on their own.

“Do you have anything to report or do we need to send in someone else to do your job for you?” The commander sneered. You knew what he was doing, and you hated it. Hated the way he managed to rile you up just by questioning your competence and hated how badly it made you want to try harder. Put more on the line, forget more of yourself, just for the sake of proving yourself.

“You can’t send a unit back in. Whoever is running that operation will be waiting for us now.” You weren’t lying, a dozen people wouldn’t go by unnoticed. But you knew that wasn’t enough. The commander always got what he wanted and sometimes he even managed to make you think it was what you wanted. “I can get more information for you. If you send me back in, I can get a proper layout of the place, but you can’t send the rest of them back in.”

“Good. You have half an hour to get ready. We’ve put this off long enough in your absence.”

You left. This was one of the few times you wouldn’t fight back. It would only make things worse, it would make him apply more terms to the service you so begrudgingly supplied.

~~~

Bucky watched you dart from the commander’s office back to your own room and emerge not ten minutes later dressed in your gear and carrying a rucksack.

He fought the urge to stop you, to ask what was going on. He had given you all the support you were willing to accept and at the end of the day you were still soldiers. Distracting you or making you question orders was the last thing you needed at this moment. You had to keep your head clear so he let you.

He let you go even when you did so alone, but he had to know at least something about what was happening. He could just ask the commander a few details, play it off like he just wanted to plan for the company’s next move.

“They need to bring back more information before we can do anything. Sit tight, Barnes, and wait for their report.”

That was it, that was all he got and there was no chance in hell he would get any answer other than that. So, he waited. He tried to return to his own normal. Tried to distract himself with training and whatever entertainment he could get his hands on and his head into.

The library always seemed to have something, but not for today. Not for tonight. Not for the next forty-eight hours while you were gone. He couldn’t read anything too real and even the characters in the most fantastical stories faced trials that hit a little close to home.

~~~

When you returned, it was well past midnight. It was pouring rain and there wasn’t a star in the sky. You were so cold. The kind of cold that settled into your bones and made your headache. If you were honest with yourself, it wasn’t just the cold making your head pound.

You immediately headed into the commander’s office. He was waiting for you, like a starving wolf, hungry for whatever information he could glean from your experience. You obliged, you recounted your journey and you didn’t bother to complain. It didn’t matter if you did, there was no one to complain for, aside from yourself.

You didn’t bother seeing a medic before going to bed. You peeled off your soaking gear and thanked the rain for at least removing some of the dried mud that had stuck to your skin. You loaded yourself into a shower and sat on the cool tile floor. The water turned cold but you couldn’t work up the strength to get up.

You were finally able to scrape up enough will to exit and get dressed when you thought about how much better it would be to lie down under covers. And yet, when you had finally showered off as much of the stress as you could, you felt so awake. So awake and so fucking exhausted and so restless. You walked the base like a wind up toy. Around and around with no regard for direction, hoping the next lap, the next turn, the next breath would be the one to wear you out.

Your thoughts were so loud that you didn’t notice Bucky approaching. You weren’t able to hide how jumpy you were, especially when it seemed like he had appeared from the shadows and your hands were still shaking from adrenaline.

“Sorry.” Why were you apologizing? What about showing any vulnerability made you more nervous than you already were.

“How’s your night?” He asked, keeping step with you.

He didn’t make you slow down or explain yourself. He was just there and you didn’t know if that frightened you or comforted you.

“It’s going.” You laughed dryly. If you were vague enough he might not try to push.

“You were gone for awhile. Were you alone the whole time?”

“For the most part.” Fuck, what about him asking made you want to talk. Why did you slip in anything that would open the door to more questions.

He nodded, keeping his eyes fixed on the path ahead. “You wanna talk about it.”

“No.” You huffed, the weight in your chest pushing out the oxygen you so desperately needed.

“You alright?”

“No.” You surprised yourself with your own honesty. You could have just pretended. You could put on a show for him, make it look like you were recovering just fine. You knew it wouldn’t fool him though.

“Have you been reading anything lately?” You tried to deflect, even if it was a poor attempt.

“Tried, haven’t found anything interesting yet.”

“What about the rest of The Lord of the Rings series?”

“Couldn’t get into it.” He shrugged. He had a thoughtful look on his face, as if he was weighing of pressing or letting you distract yourself would be more harmful. But this wasn’t his cabin, this was regular life. Life where you had to find a way through because there would never be a way out.

“Scout, tell me what you need right now. I know it isn’t my place to ask questions or push you.” He wanted to say that it wasn’t right, he wanted to tell you things should’ve gone down differently, but he couldn’t do that to you. Not without your permission at least. “It might be good to talk about it, but that’s your prerogative.”

“It really fucking sucked. That’s all I can say right now. I need to get to bed though. Tomorrow’s a new day.” You didn’t mean to sound angry. Did you sound angry? Stressed? On the verge of falling apart again so shortly after being put back together?

“Of course. I guess I’ll see you in the briefing tomorrow.”

“Yes, I’ll see you then. Have a goodnight Bucky.” You were formal, you kept your back straight and nodded to him before making your way back to your bed.

You couldn’t sleep and so you didn’t. You swore to yourself you would still get a few hours in but when the birds started chirping to signal a new day, you gave up on that. You were curled into a ball on your bed. Maybe if you cried you would feel better, but you couldn’t. So you stayed in bed until your normal waking hours and went around your morning like it was any other.

When the time came to brief Bucky with the commander, you couldn’t look Bucky in the eyes. You stared at a spot on the commander’s forehead, faking eye contact and confidence. You were told that’s all that was needed for now and you left and you went back to your team.

It was different though. Not really, not to anyone else when you joined them for lunch. Just to you. To you it felt like the conversation and laughter was so fragile. Like one thing could tear apart your whole dynamic of you didn’t keep it together.

So you kept it together. You kept it together for weeks while you were sent on various missions and hid your trepidations. They couldn’t know, no one could know. Sky you kept them all at arm’s length, including Bucky. If you started relying on another person for help, you might get used to it. If you got used to it, it would make it so much harder when they weren’t there anymore.

~~~

It started out slow, at least for you. You started stashing liquor in your room - no one else visited it anyway. You snuck out with your empties, dropping them off in whatever recycling bin that was far enough from the base that no one would connect the dots and close enough you weren’t gone so long. Funny, the same bar whose walls had seen you break down offered a perfect landing spot for every glass bottle that carried your shame in its empty figure.

You were hiding it, and hiding it well. No one noticed, not even Bucky. If he did notice, he didn’t say anything. It was the kind of separation that would either hold you together or tear you apart and you couldn’t tell which it would be yet.

For now, the distance was good. It was so much easier to pretend. You were on time for everything, you were just chatty enough. You were warm and comforting and anything else anybody needed you to be.

Did Bucky think you had taken advantage of his kindness? Use his space to escape and leave once you were better? Was that so bad when compared to letting someone in when that honesty might shatter your composure?

You were getting used to it again. Used to small meals, washed down with the burn of the bottle. You could barely taste it anymore, you could barely feel it anymore. The hangovers became easier to deal with. The nausea was bearable, easy to ignore. Why should you be concerned with your own pain anyways when you were the one causing it?

A particularly volatile night pushed you to quit again. Instead of quieting your mind, the bottle had brought out something ugly. Not ugly in a violent way this time, but ugly in the way of making you spiral.

You did. You stopped just like that. The shame had won and you quit without weaning yourself off. Quit like it was the easiest thing in the world. It was affecting your work and nothing could affect your work.

You could see your hands trembling when you organized reports and you told yourself it was just because you were tired. It didn’t have to do with dropping the liquor. It was something else, it couldn’t be withdrawal.

It lasted maybe a couple days, then something happened, something small enough it wasn’t important but something big enough that it made drinking seem like it was the lesser evil. By the third, you had forgotten what you were so upset about.

Bucky wouldn’t stay away though. He gave you space as often as he could but he saw the bags under your eyes and watched as you withdrew from the world.

You were always in your room when you didn’t have any responsibilities to take care of. He found excuses to interrupt you. Something he had to fill you in, something he had to borrow. Anything to make sure there were at least a few minutes each day that you weren’t alone.

You didn’t want this though. You didn’t want him pushing his way into your life by asking what was wrong. You knew he could tell something was off, but your walls were back up and it was getting easier to lie.

~~~

“Scout?” There was knocking at your door and you rolled over to check your phone. Why was someone bothering you? What gave them a right to knock on your door at this time?

The time that popped up on your screen was enough of an explanation and this wasn’t something you could ignore.

“Oh fuck.” You muttered to yourself, practically jumping out of bed to change. You were already thinking of excuses. You changed faster than you thought yourself capable of and ran to the door.

“Scout,” Bucky nodded to you as your opened the door with a mostly convincing smile on your face. “I just wanted to let you know the meeting was cancelled. Something about new information from outside sources.”

You barely held in a sigh of relief as you nodded in turn. “Yes, I’m so sorry about that.”

“What are you apologizing for?” Bucky raised an eyebrow before creases settled into his forehead and brow. Was he worried? Was he worrried about you?

“I… um… never mind. I’m just tired.”

“Can I come in?”

You wanted to say, wanted to hide the monster you felt that you were turning into. It was too late though, you saw his eyes focus on the empty bottle beside your bed and he slipped in before you could protest.

“It sounds like they want us to meet someone and get them talking by any means necessary.”

“Okay, when do I need to be ready for?” You didn’t dare ask why he was going with you. Ask if anyone else could tell you were drowning.

“I… Scout.” Bucky took a step toward you, gently placing a hand on your shoulder. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, of course!” You were too peppy, too obviously trying to hide something. Maybe he had already seen what you were trying to hide, but you could at least try to pretend it wasn’t affecting your life.

“Bullshit.”

“Please Bucky, don’t.” You sighed.

“Listen, I know you don’t want to talk about it. I know you think you’ve got this handled. I still need you to be honest with me. Can you handle this right now?”

“Yes.” You were certain you could. Duty came first, everything else could be pushed aside.

He nodded and never had you been so unnerved by silence.

“Hm.”

Fuck, why couldn’t he just say something? Why couldn’t he berate you so the anticipation would stop building?

“From what I gather, they’re going to be calling us in after lunch. Pack now, be ready by then. They’re trying to keep it under wraps, but it will be easier if you’re ready.”

You nodded then turned away to start packing.

“Scout, I don’t think I’ve ever seen you listen to authority. What’s changed?”

“Oh I don’t see you as an authority, that’s why I respect you.” You joked. You hated how he said your name. Hated how he said it like it mattered and wasn’t some shitty title that you accepted as a prize for being relentless in your pursuit of knowing.

“It isn’t a typical mission. Pack what you need to travel, we’ll have clothes waiting for us when we land.”

“Who’s all going?” You asked, but you already knew the answer. It would just be you two. It would just be torture trying to hide how far you’d fallen this time.

“It’s not solid yet, but you can guess.” He shrugged and turned around. He didn’t want to leave, but his hand left your shoulder reluctantly.

“Bucky.” You breathed, reaching out for his hand despite yourself. It wasn’t professional, it wasn’t something a healthy person did with their coworker. “It will take me about half an hour to get everything sorted. Can you…”

What the fuck were you asking? What gave you the right?

“Can I what?” His reply didn’t sound sharp, just didn’t leave room to deflect. Why was he being this way? Why was he making you vocalize your needs when he knew exactly what you were asking?

“Um, never mind.” It was your turn to shrug and you busied yourself with going through drawers, deciding what you needed to bring.

He had turned around to face you, to watch you rummage through drawers and neatly pile your clothes for the trip on your bed. He stayed as you readied yourself and he didn’t say a thing until you had finished.

“Good to go?” He wasn’t just acting about you suitcase.

“Yeah, whenever we need to.” Your hands were shaking again and you sat on the edge of the bed.

“Can I join you?”

You nodded then slowly slid under the covers as he took your place on the edge.

“Can you please stay?” Your voice was small, pleading. You reached out for him again, resting your hand on his bicep as gently as you could.

“Yes, doll.”

“Can we watch something?”

Bucky nodded and found the remote for your little TV. He waited until you found something you felt was worth watching at the moment.

You found some body horror movie and he didn’t complain one bit about how cheesy it was. You drew the blankets up to your face as you watched. Yes, it was horribly written and disgusting but at least you didn’t have to think. Without thinking, you were entranced by the film and squeezed his hand, giving a gentle pull so he would lay next to you.

He obliged, kicking off his boots and laying down, arms at his sides in an open gesture for you to get closer. You turned your torso towards him, draping a leg over him and resting your head against his chest. You had a brief moment of concern that you had pushed too far, but the warm skin of his right hand met your cheek. You crumbled, letting your full weight sink into him.

His hand slowly moved upward, gently stroking your hair, and you melted into him. His other arm wrapped around your waist and squeezed. Not so tight as to make you feel trapped, just tight enough that you could really feel him there. Feel something outside your body that didn’t make you feel alone.

~~~

***

P.S. Can’t believe I posted two parts in two days! Thank you so much if you got to this part?!?! I have so many ideas now. I love you for listening to my ramblings! I keep looking for a fic that satisfies my very specific need for comfort, but couldn’t find one, so here we are.

[justkillingthyme]

hcs about the main characters when sick?

Rubs my hands together. You’ve activated my trap card (<has three uploaded sickfics and three more planned) lets fucking go

Hershel (post uni pre ls) would go to work. Wouldn’t exactly overexert himself to the point of exhaustion/passing out but he would just try and power through while taking it easy. Hershel post LS alternates between trying to work (and being cajoled into rest) and simply taking the day off to not risk others health and set a good example

Luke will take it easy when he realizes that he’s sick. Problem is that he’s taken up Hershel’s bad habit of running himself into the ground and ignoring himself to please others. If someone tells him to rest he’ll go down without a fight but it’s also the matter of Luke having little bodily awareness to realize that he’s sick in the first place instead of just feeling bad. I also think that he’s The Nefarious Crier when sick. Will bawl like a baby because he’s sick and feels bad (bad for all the emotionally constipated adults he hangs out with)

Emmy will run herself into the ground. She will go to work and fight god while running a fever of 104. Unless she’s passing out or physically tied to a bed, there’s no way her ass is resting. I think she has a pretty good immune system, so it doesn’t happen often, but when she gets sick it takes a while to recover. On account of her refusing to chill. She’s also very crabby and snippy when ill.

I think flora gets sick often. Naturally bad immune system plus isolation from living people for a good portion of her life means that someone could sneeze 50 miles away and somehow she’s sniffling the next day. I don’t think it gets particularly bad for her (mostly it’s just mild symptoms on and off). She’s not as emotional as Luke, but she’s easily swayed with her mood, and prefers company while she recovers. She does her best to avoid getting sick but doesn’t go out of her way. If someone in the house is sick, she’ll avoid them and won’t linger in their room or places they’ve been. But she doesn’t go all out vigorous cleaning mask in place.

Desmond got the worst pick of the genetic lottery (his dads face and his mom’s shit immune system). He does everything in his power to avoid getting sick because when he does end up getting sick it’s BAD. It’s never minor it always snowballs into something far worse and he knows that. When it’s just him and Raymond he’ll complain endlessly when it’s minor. Raymond my nose is stuffed up fetch me more tissues. Raymond I’m coughing make me more tea. But when it’s serious or he feels like he has important things to do he will hide it at all costs. AL Des has to pretend he’s normal and not germaphobic when anyone gets sick but internally he wants to put on a hazmat suit and use one of those garbage claws to move things around in the vicinity of the sick person. He also tries to downplay his illnesses when with other people so he doesn’t draw attention and worry others. He kinda just crashes in his room and doesn’t exit until he’s coherent (kinda similar when he gets migraines but this ain’t about that.) Raymond doesn’t let him have access to the medicine cabinet after The Incident so he has to suck it up every time and beg Raymond for cold medicine while seething because he’s a grown ass adult but also. It’s Raymond. And Raymond will know if he tries to just steal them. All powerful all knowing Raymond.

Randall complains endlessly while sick. Yes he will let you know at any point in time that he’s horribly sick and that’s why you should grab the remote that’s two feet away from him and within reach. But if he has something that he wants to do there’s no getting him down without a fight. He’ll go on an expedition while dying. Because no risk no glory or smth oh look a cool rock!

Henry will do anything to pretend that he’s not sick. Regardless of whether or not he recognizes that he’s sick, he’s not telling anyone and will simply work. Then work harder when he’s upset that he’s not at full efficiency. He could probably be coaxed to bed though.

Claire was normal about being sick, though kinda similar to Randall in that she might ignore it if her symptoms aren’t bad if she would be missing something important school or work-wise. But she knows her limits well.

[alexandraisyes]

i’ve been thinking about dark sun for a while now so i’m dropping my thoughts into your ask box

when dark sun was first introduced i took ONE look at that mf and went “this man is def schizoid.”

i’m gonna dump the dsm criteria for szpd in here real quick

DSM-5 Criteria

- A pervasive pattern of detachment from social relationships and a restricted range of expression of emotions in interpersonal settings, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by four (or more) of the following:

1. Neither desires nor enjoys close relationships, including being part of a family.

2. Almost always chooses solitary activities.

3. Has little, if any, interest in having intimate experiences with another person. (note: i changed the wording from sexual to intimate here because it can be seen as an attempt to pathologize asexuality, and that’s not very cool of the DSM)

4. Takes pleasure in few, if any, activities.

5. Lacks close friends or confidants other than first-degree relatives.

6. Appears indifferent to the praise or criticism of others.

7. Shows emotional coldness, detachment, or flattened affectivity.

disclaimer here, considering the recent lore on dark sun, i don’t think he’s Entirely Schizoid anymore, but he def has Some Traits. I’ll mostly just be talking about my earlier thoughts on him before all the shit with Ruin, Nexus, and Eclipse happened

when he was first introduced (and through some of his subsequent interactions) i could SMELL the apathy and anhedonia on this bitch. i mean LOOK at this man

dark sun was obviously Very Detached and seemed unbothered by his solitude/overall Lack of Social Relationships, in fact i think he preferred it

i can’t say anything about him enjoying any activities (even with current lore) (which in it of itself might say something about him) i’m not sure if this guy truly Enjoys anything he does, he seems quite apathetic to it all

him lacking close confidents is. kind of self explanatory, he was very much Alone in his dimension (moon does not count, i’m not sure if that guy was even functional). his indifference is also self explanatory i think

i already mentioned his Detachment, but he definitely experiences flattened activity, i don’t think we’ve ever seen him sound/be remotely emotional

he also does appear to experience some level of grandiosity/superiority complex, which is actually something that can be experienced with SZPD (not to be confused with grandiosity in NPD)

for SZPD, they may experience grandiosity as a defense mechanism. it should be noted that people with SZPD who display these behaviors may not believe they are a “great” person. rather it’s a mask to protect themselves. think of it as a means to maintain their independence (avoid being “controlled”) or cover up their own emotional inavailability.

here’s a tumblr post with some screenshots about SZPD & grandiosity (from a book about SZPD) that you may find useful: https://hauntedselves.tumblr.com/post/715822672943202304/schizoid-defences-omnipotence-and-grandiosity

now, does dark sun genuinely believe he’s great/superior? honestly idk LMAO if anyone has any idea lmk

ANYWAYS, this is probably really jumbled (rip) but i tried my best. i’m just a guy with szpd who thinks it’s Really Neat when characters display symptoms of a disorder i have

i hope you enjoyed my Thoughts 🐐

Hi and thanks for the ask! And it actually makes a lot of sense as to why you would think he has ScPD considering it's commonly mixed up with ASPD by the general public.

Firstly, I think it's important to recognize that ScPD is a Cluster A disorder, and ASPD (his canon diagnosis) is a Cluster B disorder. The two clusters have similar but different criteria and generalized behaviors.

Both disorders involve difficulties in social interactions. ScPD individuals have discomfort in close relationships and may exhibit eccentric behaviors, while those with ASPD may disregard others' rights and engage in manipulative or deceitful behavior. People with ScPD may exhibit paranoid thoughts and suspiciousness, which can superficially resemble the manipulative and distrustful behaviors seen in ASPD.

ScPD is characterized by eccentric behavior, odd beliefs, and social anxiety. In contrast, ASPD involves a lack of empathy, disregard for social norms, and manipulative or anti-social behavior. Individuals with ScPD often behave oddly due to cognitive distortions and discomfort in social situations, not intending harm. Those with ASPD often act with intentional disregard for others' rights and may engage in harmful behavior without remorse.

Mental health professionals use structured diagnostic tools and criteria (like those in the DSM-5) to distinguish between these disorders accurately. This process includes detailed interviews, psychological assessments, and consideration of the individual's history and behavior patterns. This second part is especially important because if you look at the DSM-5 criteria a lot of behaviors are generalized and therefore a lot of different specific behaviors get glossed over. This is how I ended up with an autism diagnosis (I am not autistic in the slightest) and almost got shackled with a BPD diagnosis too because the people diagnosing me weren't taking the time to figure out what I was actually like and listening to the general behaviors.

Misunderstanding can occur in non-clinical settings due to a lack of detailed knowledge about the specific features of each disorder. The term "personality disorder" itself can lead to confusion, as people might assume all personality disorders have similar characteristics. Media often portrays individuals with personality disorders in a sensationalized manner. For example, characters with ASPD are frequently depicted in media as violent criminals or masterminds, while those with SCPD might be shown as eccentric loners or “weirdos.” These portrayals lack the nuance of real-life experiences and can lead to stereotypical views that do not accurately represent the spectrum of symptoms or the daily challenges faced by individuals with these disorders.

Some symptoms can appear similar across different personality disorders, leading to confusion. For instance, both ASPD and SCPD can involve social difficulties, but for very different reasons. Without a thorough understanding of the specific criteria for each disorder, people might conflate the two or misinterpret behaviors.

I think it's important to remember that as far as canon goes, he was labeled with ASPD from the get-go, and they have been extremely consistent with portraying ASPD traits in his character. However, as far as fanon goes, do whatever you want bro. I'm in full support of having headcanons and such.

As far as superiority, survey says yes. However, not in the sense of grandiosity that comes with arrogance or the belief that one is better than others which is commonly associated with disorders like NPD and ScPD, as well as others. I actually talked about what it's like for someone with ASPD/low empathy in this regard and I'll go ahead and grab that.

Fourthly, as someone who believes themself to be both superior and inferior of their peers at most all times, but never an equal, as well as having experience with other's who are similar to myself in nature, I will have to debunk that last statement entirely. You cannot feel superior to something if you do not understand it, because how else are you able to make that judgement. Most often people who genuinely know that they are above their peers understand their peers more than their peers understand themselves, and it is not a snobbish, arrogant superiority, but rather a knowledge, deep and lonesome in nature, that you will be lucky to chance upon another who can match your own understanding. It is not a cruel, vindictive behavior, but rather the turn of pages and the avoidance of others because they exhaust you by being overly concerned with things that you know have no real importance. People around you are tedious at worst, and amusing at best. There is a difference between genuinely being superior and being casted in this knowledge that is fact, and considering yourself better than another person. More often than not those who are genuinely above others in their understanding are the ones who are most aware that they are then rendered as less than, for they can no longer comfortably exist among their peers, and as humans are social creatures, one who cannot do such at ease are cast aside by the crowds as well. It creates both a hermit and a pariah out of a being.

This specific snippet was from a debate about Gemini having low empathy but also applies to characters (and people) with ASPD.

Also thank you for coming in here to share! I think you raise a lot of good points that would have been extremely relevant and informative, and still are extremely informative. Maybe not as relevant however since we already know that Helios is canonically ASPD, haha. However, it was so nice to hear your thoughts and about you're experiences (indirectly), so thank you so much for sharing (again)!

[malkaleh]

The thing about Cuthbert I’d forgotten is that he’s especially awful and stupid when his ego gets punctured - so I shouldn’t have been surprised he did what he did but it was so incredibly Dense. He’d decided to set some orcs on Lord Elrond (I found this out later) - oh he didn’t go to them directly (he’s not remotely brave enough) but he did know some nasty types in the next decent sized village and he did have gold and a big mouth to match.

-

Cuthbert Edelsson was angry and more than that his ego was bruised and he wasn’t bright enough to understand that he should leave it alone because in his small village, he had always been the most important and feared one and could not imagine it being otherwise.

So when he had gone to the nearest town (a fishing town - not large but large enough to have several inns and even shops) to drink and gripe he had found himself with several of his particularly nasty friends who had still nastier friends who knew, well they knew some orcs.

The instructions from Mordor regarding certain among the opposing side were very clear indeed (they were not to be harmed if captured, they were to be delivered to Lord Sauron immediately for a great reward upon safe delivery and only safe delivery) but it had not filtered down to the common bandits.

So the idea of getting rich on Cuthberts gold for the easy job of grabbing and killing some soft elven healer was entirely a positive for them.

It was not that they knew Elrond and his sons, not exactly - in this part of Middle Earth it was known there was, somewhere some Elvish Dwellings still about but they were largely avoided and shunned. But it was known that there was an elvish of sorts healer who went out to help when he could and sometimes, sometimes he would stop by a certain inn to eat.

The bandits decide to drug the food.

-

When Matthias came in carrying Lord Elrond (I did not know it was Lord Elrond) I was…it wasn’t the blood, I’m used enough to that. It was that he, oh I can’t explain it, if you haven’t seen him but he is so beautiful and gentle - like a summer night sky full of stars on a perfect night and it seemed so awful that someone would hurt something so gentle.

“The cowards drugged him and left him for dead - on the road side as though he was nothing” Matthias spits at me and of course they wouldn’t have wanted a fair fight or anything like one - that might have been their one intelligent move but it makes me angry too, that they did this so cruelly when Matthias had told me the elf had only healing tools with him.

“What was an elf doing in a human town? If he is an elf?”

We were talking as we cleaned the blood off him - it made things look worse, in truth. Matthias isn’t a healer like me but he knows enough to help.

“Healing, the inn keeper said. There are some orphaned children who needed care beyond the local healers skill and he’d been coming for a while. Said he didn’t know much of who he might be - he kept his hood and cloak up but that he was very kind.”

By all accounts he should have been safe. The village (a good sized one) was known to have been peaceful and prosperous for generations and generations and I got the feeling that if he hadn’t been drugged the robbers would have had no chance at all.

For the maybe not entirely an elf had also been carrying weapons - good ones, it turns out.

“But this..what they seem to have used shouldn’t have made him this sick if he is only an elf? It should have merely caused him to pass out for a few hours. Do you think…?”

I did not think. I knew then.

“We need to get hold of the Rangers - Matthias if you can find them”

for @nocompromise-noregrets More Miri.

[thessalian]

Thess vs Avoidant Behaviour

There are no words for the frustration right now. I feel so “out of sight, out of mind”. Not that I’d go back to that hellish commute for anything, and not that it’d even help if I were back at the office, but it’s still how it feels.

Look. Temp and Violet had a bargain. Violet does the long typing; Temp does the short ones. I do ... whatever, I guess. I was not consulted about this, because if I had been, the first question out of my mouth would have been, “So what happens when Violet isn’t typing?” Because she’s often not. Even if she’s actually in, she often has other things to do. But Temp keeps acting like the deal read “Temp does the short ones and only the short ones, forever and ever".

Side note: I wonder what the fuck she does when I’m on annual leave, or off sick. I may have to ask, because we’re at the point where I might end up having to take health leave because of her.

Today was a bad day, okay? Today was “stabbing pains in my back and hips, making sitting upright painful”. Today was, “I had to get up and move around or just lie down for a few minutes, just to maintain some semblance of equilibrium”. Today also quickly became “vertigo”. So obviously this was a day to at least try to take it easy, which was aided and abetted by the fact that we’re not actually doing too badly insofar as the queue goes - we’re in the low double-digits, which hasn’t happened in awhile.

But noooooo. I mean, I did what I could to minimise the workload, but ... you type for a specific group of people for awhile, you start to know what to expect. You see names and you hook them to how their dictation usually goes. You know the guy who’s in training and whose work is always checked over by a consultant, and who therefore ends up going, “Oh, can you go back to that bit in the middle and add...?” because he is still moderately clueless and a consultnat saved his ass. You know the guy whose dictation is only as short as it is because he has not got to grips with the footpedal after this long and tends to miss out important stuff - like, for instance, the description of a tumour - and thus obliges you to email him and go, “Um, we’re missing a bit”. You know the woman who talks way too fast. The three or four women who insist on not flagging up that there are fragments in the sample until the block key, when that has to be in the fucking body text as well. The woman with the vocal quirk of having her voice lilt up a half-octave at the end of every sentence, at just the right pitch to trigger a migraine in my case. The two trainee guys who ignore the templates altogether, obliging a lot of typing when we could just be filling out a form. The three or four people who always dictate placentas, which require copy-typing a handwritten form every fucking time. The ones who have no grasp of sentence structure, and who don’t know how to pluralise (through no real fault of their own; English is not their first language so I’m not shitting on them for that; it’s just frustrating).

Temp. Avoids. ALL OF THEM.

There are maybe one or two who dictate well - concise, well laid-out, short, simple, to the point. She takes all of those and maybe some of the less ideal ones if they’re short enough, and I get everything that could even remotely be even a tiny bit inconvenient for her. She hasn’t done a dictation that was longer than a minute long in two days.

So here’s me having a particularly bad pain day, having to get up every fifteen minutes so my back and hips can stop screaming at me, feeling unbelievably dizzy, and I get to struggle through all of the long, inconvenient, frustrating bullshit while she does all the nice simple stuff. And Violet’s not there to pick up the slack even a little bit - out of the office or otherwise engaged, I don’t know or care. I mean, okay, I care - I hope she’s okay. But the reasons she’s not doing the long typing have no bearing on the fact that she isn’t, and Temp is just fobbing them all off on me.

Scruffman seems to think that the situation is solved because Violet and Temp have an arrangement. However, no one considered that I am involved in this arrangement because I share the workload, and Temp is obviously deliberately misconstruing that arrangement to mean, “Do whatever you want and someone else will pick up the bits you don’t like”. I get that she doesn’t like them. I DON’T LIKE THEM EITHER. Fact is, however, that being stuck with too many of them doesn’t leave her in enough pain to be near tears at the end of the day. But I’m hesitant to bring it up to Scruffman because he basically waves it off every time. It’s “I’ll talk to her” or, “Oh, Violet and Temp have an arrangement” and it’s dismissive as fuck. He’s really bad with confrontation, you see, and I get the short end of the stick because there’s little to no chance that I can get into his face about it, because I’m not in the office. And as long as the work gets done, he seems fine.

I left one seven-minute long bit of nightmare for someone else to do, but I did everything else. Because what choice did I have? Temp wasn’t going to. Violet’s not able to for some reason. And it still needs to get done. Hell, I feel guilty about leaving the seven-minute long bit of nightmare, despite it having come up at the head of the queue pretty much towards the end of the day and wouldn’t have necessarily left me with the time to do it anyway.

So we have Temp and Scruffman avoiding shit they don’t like - any typing that’s not really quick and easy, and conflict, respectively. And it all gets lumped onto me in both cases. And I am fed up beyond the telling of it. Right now I’m just trying to let things settle a little so I can manage a trip to check the post and go to the corner shop. Days like this require chocolate.

[la-principessa-nuova]

there’s one person on my team who has a lot of background noise and a voice that happens to work with the background noise cancellation in a way that is a sensory nightmare for me. So when he talks, if I’m even remotely dysregulated, I have to mute the call and wait for him to be done talking, and even if i don’t have to, it’s often better to avoid using up a limited number of spoons for the day.

I barely work him with because he kind of has his own subset of work that’s related to my team’s work but due to various reasons only he can work on it (and has backups that are not on the team, not like a bottleneck on one person)

but that means when he gives his updates and explains things, it’s extra important for me to understand what he’s saying, because it’s stuff I need to plan around but have no other insight into.

And even though I can read it on the captions, it’s (1) harder to follow than both audio and captions together, and (2) usually very, very wrong because this is somebody with (a) poor audio quality and (b) a different accent/regional dialect than the captions were trained on and (c) using technical language and sometimes internal-only acronyms.

so yeah, i need to look into finding some ways to work around this like figuring out more about what he does so i have an easier time figuring out what he’s saying from context, and also solving my long-term burnout that’s decreased my window of tolerance so much. Because I’ve worked with so many people with such terrible audio quality but I’ve never had this much of an issue before.

Even with other people with kind of bad audio instead of a little grating, it feels like nails on a chalkboard. But also it might be a little bit OCD because it’s definitely worse if I’ve been thinking about it happening with one person where it can happen to that lesser degree with almost anybody. And then fact that thinking it’s going to be dysregulating makes it dysregulate more and then i can’t focus and my thoughts get stuck on it and i feel a panic because now i’m worried i won’t understand anything and i’m going to be behind and get in trouble for not listening and get caught not knowing something that was just presented… and then it’s not just dysregulation but also anxiety.

and of course it’s not easy from an audio processing perspective too, so i’m sure the anxiety about a challenging audio processing challenge contributes, plus having to pay attention to something i have no context on, which brings up a lot of anxiety from ADHD-related C-PTSD. this brain is such a tangled mess…

[qnewsau]

Royston Noell shares coming out journey in new song Say it Loud

New Post has been published on https://qnews.com.au/royston-noell-shares-coming-out-journey-in-new-song-say-it-loud/

Royston Noell shares coming out journey in new song Say it Loud

Australian Idol winner Royston Noell has shared his coming out journey in his new track Say it Loud.

The 25-year-old queer First Nations man won Idol season eight last year. The musician says the first track from his new album reflects the challenge of embracing who you are.

“For me, that struggle was tied to my sexuality,” Royston told us.

“I couldn’t Say It Loud for a long time, and this song captures that significant part of my life that I was scared to reveal.

Royston held onto a lot of fear before he came out of the closet.

“When you are in the closet, it is so scary. You don’t want anyone to know because you’re also dealing with so much internalized homophobia, and you hate yourself,” he said.

“I had to work through that as well and start to learn to love myself.”

Say It Loud is written and produced by Sam Fisher and DNA. Royston knew he wanted to release the song as soon as he heard the lyrics.

“I instantly gravitated towards not being able to say it out loud when I heard it,” he said.

“The lyrics really aligned with my whole experience and process.”

All he wanted growing up was to sing

“There was some homophobia at school, and I tried to avoid singing in front of other people because of it,” Royston said.

“But once I started the journey of embracing who I was, my story, my truth, was that I no longer felt the need to suppress my love for singing.

“It felt so freeing. I’ve received so many messages from people telling me my journey as a queer First Nations artist has helped them.”

Proud Thanakwith and Wagadagam man Royston was a young boy when his music teacher ignited his musical passion.

“Growing up in Mapoon isn’t like growing up in the city; we still practice a lot of traditional hunting and have a strong sense of community,” he said.

“I was so different to a lot of the other kids growing up; other kids wanted to be footy players or be like Cathy Freeman, but all I wanted to do was sing.

“Although, it felt very isolating being the only kid in my school of 60 kids that sang.

“This project has been a long time coming, but I’m so grateful I had the time needed to truly put together a body of work that I was proud of.

“To figure out what I wanted to say and give to the world as an artist.”

‘What am I saying as a queer artist?’

Say it Loud is the first song on Royston’s upcoming EP.

“I didn’t want to put out just anything. If I had released any music a year ago, it wouldn’t have been strong,” he told us.

“I wanted to focus on stories about the different journeys I undertook that have helped me find myself and find my voice.”

Each song on the upcoming album explores his story since leaving school, accepting himself and stepping into the world.

“It’s important to know what you want to say as an artist. I could have just gone to any pitched song and just put that out,” he said.

“But I wanted to put out music that I was resonating with, and that takes time.

“I asked myself what am I going to say as a queer artist? What am I going to say as an indigenous artist?

“I’m so grateful that Sony gave me that space to dig deep and write music that resonates with me.

“I put a lot of my heart and soul into this new music and it’s the output from the creative journey I undertook after winning Australian Idol.

“I’m really excited to show these different sides of me.

“Coming from a small indigenous, remote community in North Queensland has been my story since Idol, which I love as that is who I am.

“And I’m very proud to be able to inspire everyone from remote or regional areas.

“But I am excited to share more about my sexuality because I’m a proud queer artist. I haven’t spoken a lot about that in my music and I’m excited to open up my world to my audience.”

The first taste of Royston’s new body of work has been released with Say It Loud. We look forward to hearing Royston share more of himself with his upcoming EP.

For the latest LGBTIQA+ Sister Girl and Brother Boy news, entertainment, community stories in Australia, visit qnews.com.au. Check out our latest magazines or find us on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and YouTube.

[trashogram]

Addition: The comments (which I appreciate so much thank you 💋) are giving me ideas for a Lucifer version:

I love the concept of Lucifer falling back into his depression somewhat while he and Reader are an item, and it is heavily caused by his doubts and insecurities after being left by Lilith. He’s hard on himself but it’s not enough to get him out of the depression funk, and unfortunately this coincides with him not being as energetic or engaged with you as he used to be — and subsequently you try to give him support but also space so there’s a distancing effect, and it feeds his insecurities. It’s circular. An ouroboros kinda thing.

Well, you may be a sinner but you’re still in many ways human, so you talk about how you feel to Angel Dust, who’s one of your best friends at the hotel. He feels bad, tries to get involved but it backfires so damn hard bc when he tries to cheer Lulu up, it grows into this *thing*. Angel sort of slips into work mode, in a way, and Lucifer is responsive (bc he’s self-destructing HARD). One thing leads to another and suddenly he’s servicing the Devil to help him “loosen up”. It’s just a one time thing, they both swear, but… no. It’s nothing like love or anything remotely close. It becomes a way for them both to harm themselves and goad themselves into believing that your love for them isn’t as monumental or touching or important as it really is. Because love is terrifying and neither believes they really deserve it.

But you catch them. They don’t realize it in the moment, but Husk can’t stop you from leaving and he spills. All Hell breaks loose (pun intended) as elucidated.

But the thing for me is that this actually branches off into the themes of forgiveness and redemption. Like I’m personally more interested in how Charlie would react to her Dad doing this, and Angel Dust. Charlie is disturbed by it so much because it makes her view them differently and suddenly her belief in redemption no matter what is being challenged like she never imagined. She also loves you (not romantically ofc). She thought everyone at the hotel did, but this is a nightmare and you’ve disappeared completely. And then it goes into her making tough choices about the fallout. She and Lucifer have a conversation about him maybe stepping away from helping with the Hotel bc he’s fraternizing with guests and they’re gonna have to make a hard rule about that. He tries to dissuade it bc he wants to help his daughter with her dream! But the more he thinks about it, the more sense it makes for him to gain a bit of distance. He can barely get up in the mornings anymore, he sees you everywhere in his mind’s eye. And his own daughter seems uncomfortable in his presence.

Angel Dust, on the other hand, isn’t asked to leave or anything (he’d still be considered a resident and not staff). Charlie tries to be firm with him but his way of denial is bitter and harsh. He says terrible things like how you “should’ve been able to satisfy your man if you didn’t want him to cheat.” He does not mean this at all. Angel Dust just lashes out and says whatever he can to avoid the truth and how fucked up what he and Lucifer did is. But it takes Charlie shouting at him in sheer disbelief over how cruel he’s being for Angel to break down and bawl over it. He doesn’t know why he did it either and he doesn’t know what to do to fix it. It can’t be fixed, can it Charlie???

Charlie comforts him, but she doesn’t know either. She tries to smile through it, and tell Angel that at least if when they find you, Angel can apologize and at least it’ll be sincere and heartfelt. That has to mean something right?

No. They never find you.

Which Hazbin character would be the best for this scenario?

Warning: Darkfic, infidelity/cheating, betrayal, mental breakdown, extreme angst, general suffering and Hurt no Comfort, do not read if you’re in a bad place rn

I’m in the mood for some serious heartbreak, so picture this:

You’re a resident of the Hazbin Hotel, and you’re in a relationship with one of our core characters. You’re genuinely in love, and everything seems to be going great, although you do have your insecurities. Your partner is always there for you though, and they keep you going… except lately they’ve been acting kinda off. You try to ignore it, feeling extremely guilty for ever getting suspicious or doubting their devotion. But the signs keep appearing, the red flags are getting harder to ignore and it feels like a test against your sanity to justify that everything is ok.

But one random night you do catch them. They are cheating, they’re right in the middle of it, possibly with another resident that you also viewed as a friend. And it’s devastating. Even when they realize that you’re standing there in the doorway and your expression is downright haunting. Your partner (and friend if applicable) immediately gets up, desperately begging for your forgiveness, apologizing, trying to explain, but it’s all a ringing in your ears. They follow you back to your room but all the while you’re shellshocked and unresponsive. You lock them out and stay that way for an unknown amount of time. Eventually you decide to leave out the window without a word. You disappear into Hell and never come back.

OR a variation of that:

But one random night you do catch them. They don’t notice you standing in the doorway though. They’re far too wrapped up in what they’re doing. You’re shellshocked, but you leave silently. You go to the lobby and another resident/friend finds you. They’re immediately concerned and try to prod whatever’s wrong out of you. Eventually you concede, and the flash of guilt that you see on their face feels like a stab to the gut. Your friend knew. They knew — maybe your other friends know. Maybe everyone in the hotel except you knew, but no one loved you — or even liked you enough to tell you that your Love (and friend/their homewrecker) were betraying you, for who knows how many times and how long. You get up and leave out the front door of the hotel, disappearing into Hell despite your friend’s protests.

Your now ex-Love searches for you. So do many of the other Hazbin residents. They look everywhere for weeks. Your former partner tries calling, texting, leaving voicemails until your mailbox is full trying to explain themselves, asking for forgiveness, begging for you to return. It gets to a point where they just want to know that you’re safe somewhere, even if they never see you again. But days turn into weeks and weeks turn into months and an Extermination has gone by but apart from your room remaining untouched, it’s like you never existed. The person that hurt you the most spirals into a deep depression and buries themselves in their vice(s) of choice as they begin to see you out of the corner of their eye or looking at them, light completely gone from your eyes, when they’re half-asleep. Hurting you like that was the worst thing they’ve ever done in life and in death.

And the other residents try to move on. They leave your spot in meetings/group activities empty. You always have a place there, even if they know you’re not coming back. It’s like your ghost is haunting the hotel.

[maenadmorelikemaerad]

oh my friends

[once-upon-a-stolas]

Here’s the one, guys. The one that I’ve been waiting for and I know a lot of you have been waiting for, and we should talk about all the things that have happened in the interim, we should view these through the the lens of the Kendraws screenshots, Millie’s brother, the transandrophobia/ableism screenshots...

We’re not going to be doing any of that. Not today. Let me have the memory of this one.

This incident starts off with Blitzo, undisguised and in plain view, being spotted and photographed by a human in the living world. To say that Stolas is annoyed would be a gross understatement; he’s pretty fuming, not even remotely playing around. It’s quite possibly the angriest we ever see him become, with the possible exception of the time a commenter suggested he rape Blitzo.

Now, before we get to the good part, it has to be said how important this is, because it speaks volumes regarding Before!Stolas and Blitzo’s arrangement regarding the grimoire. This was all taking place pre-Murder Family, and as said many times before on this blog, without expecting anything in return. Stolas simply allowed Blitzo to use his grimoire because he liked him, and in these posts, we see that his only condition was this: that Blitzo not do anything foolish with it. A condition Blitzo, being Blitzo, breaks.

That being the case, Stolas shows up at I.M.P.’s office, waiting for hours in the office to have a serious talk with Blitzo, who avoids him until Stolas makes it clear why he’s interrupting work hours, at which point Blitzo lets him in immediately.

And here’s, of course, where things get fun.

Blitzo lets Stolas lecture him for a while, and then whips out a remote controlled vibrator. Stolas is surprised, but needless to say, delighted. Blitzo is delighted. You’re delighted, I’m delighted, everyone’s delighted. The only one not enjoying this is Moxxie. 

(The commenters are also delighted, and that’s not a good thing. Just a quick scroll reveals that there are a lot of very, very young people in this crowd. I’d say at least half of them have no idea what’s going on here.)

Stolas would be within his rights to get extremely upset over this, but after all is said and done, he just tells Blitzo that he’s lucky he’s cute. Blitzo flirts back at him, saying Stolas is lucky Blitzo wasn’t recording him, Stolas is aflutter, and all is forgiven.

So, what does this very lighthearted, extremely fun incident tell us about Before!Stolas and Blitzo’s relationship? A couple of key things.

1. Blitzo and Stolas’s sexual encounter was not a one-off deal; the only way that this is able to take place is if Stolas is wearing a vibrator 24/7. 

2. Blitzo enjoys his sexual relationship with Stolas. He enjoys teasing him and is comfortable enough around him to do so.

3. Because the full moon deal doesn’t apply, they’re both doing this for no other reason than they want to.

We now know, by Vivzie’s own admission and the admissions of people who were close to her, that Vivzie writes by the seat of her pants and frequently changes things on a dime. We know, for instance, that Present Day!Stolas and Blitzo being childhood friends was a last moment pivot based on a piece of fanart she liked. This is, of course, not the way to write a coherent story, but it explains everything about Stolas’s wildly inconsistent characterization. The Stolas we saw bleeding out in today’s episode, love him or loathe him, is a completely different character than the Stolas who once crossed his legs and went brrrr.

And that’s why, the further away we get from that summer of 2020, the more important it becomes to me that that briefly lived iteration of Stolas is remembered for who he was, and his romance with Blitzo remembered for what it was. Because it was trusting, playful, healthy.

And it had remote controlled vibrators.