#but I’ll never know unless I try
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So like, would whipped cream vodka with root beer be a delicious treat reminiscent of a root beer float or would it be disgusting? 🤔
#tabby talks#i currently have both of these items#but root beer is a rare treat so i don’t know if i want to waste it if it’s Bad#but I’ll never know unless I try#but peach schnapps and whipped cream vodka was NOT tasty peaches’n’cream#so I’m not sure i can be trusted with such concoctions#whipped cream vodka with milk and orange juice IS delicious and tastes like a creamsicle tho if you like that sort of thing#which i do#but i didn’t come up with that so i no credit there#HMMMMM
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If I close my eyes and concentrate realllyyy hard I can pretend im in my animal crossing room
#im in need of a change I don’t like the way im living rn.. a lot of my belongings were picked out for me#by people who thought their way of doing things was better and Ive had to find workarounds my whole life bc of how I live differently#Ive never thought of myself as someone who cares abt how their room looks. but i want it to have things I like even if its just preference#Ive thought abt it for a while and I dont think Im picky I just dont like it when ppl buy me things expecting me to use it the way they#expect me to.. I just end up with a lot of crap that I feel too guilty throwing away just bc someone thought of me#the only way I can describe my taste is that I know what I’ll like when I see it.. if I can clearly see myself making the most out of it#if I constantly have to use workarounds just to use smth you decided for me im not gonna wanna use it unless I have to#literally i could not be bothered to pull out a notebook and write down important information until I got a blues clues notebook#because I liked it and it made it fun for me to whip out that I actually wanna use it. yknow#so rn im trying to get a drafting table because the one that came with my loft bed is ass and I cant cut my prints on it#I end up cutting on the floor and my back hurts if I do it too long.. and I wanna get a bookshelf for my closet and a bench for my bag#things Ill look at and want to use because I already knew how I wanted to use it and just do it without thinking too hard#yapping#diary
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As much as I totally get that the Master was being shown as a domestic abuser as much as they were allowed to for a family program in ‘The Last Of The Time Lords’, I choose to instead believe that he was just extremely reactive due to, you know, having just run away from a war that scared and traumatized him so severely that he disguised himself as a human at the END OF THE FUCKING UNIVERSE in order to hide from it, and Lucy just tried to hug him from behind or something when he didn’t know she was there and so he immediately threw a punch on reflex; because it is infinitely funnier to me that way.
Lucy: -walking up behind the master- good morning hone- :)
The Master, an extremely anxiety-ridden and traumatized war veteran who just escaped said war: AH- -throws a punch on instinct-
Lucy:
The Master: DON’T FUCKING DO THAT
Lucy:
The Master: -clutching at his hearts as he tries to calm down-
Lucy: that’s it i’m shooting him
Like it’s just so much funnier to me that way. Free my man he did everything wrong but I don’t care.
#doctor who#the master#lucy saxon#like oh i get what canon was trying to imply#but they never said it directly so i get to play in the wiggle room and have fun#simm!master#this is also why he was shaking his hand afterwards#cause he was hurling a punch on panicked reflex so hurt himself too lol#cause considering how much stronger time lords are than humans you would think he wouldn’t be hurting#after punching one#unless he was just going for it on fear#the real miracle here is that lucy survived with only a bruise to show for it tbh#like even in canon if a TIME LORD threw a punch hard enough to feel it#it’s a miracle lucy walked out with only a bruise#send her to unit she’s got something going on fr#this headcanon features prominently in my celestial dimensions au as well#and leads to a funny exchange of#martha: i mean. you know how he treated lucy…#the doctor: oh no- that wasn’t- (knows this is about to hurt) here i’ll show you#and then takes a punch by spooking the master for the bit#and they say man has commitment issues#pshaw
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why does writing take so long 🙁🙁🙁
#I have a stepcest fic I wanna write#but it’s like. I know it’s gonna take me seven hours to write it#like no exaggeration#and I don’t wanna write for seven hours?/&:):&:#idk I’m feeling kinda frustrated with writing recently#bc I wanna do it but I feel like I never make much progress#unless I’ve spent an entire day writing#and I don’t always wanna spend an entire day writing#bc there are other things I like to do during the day!!!!#idk I’ll try my hand at it at least :/#—in store chit chat! 🍫
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" Am I too late to the conversation..? I like poptarts, but they're not as good as strudels in my opinion. "
#💙 i’ll never know unless i try. ( ic. )#💙 and so when i’m ready to be bolder. ( dash comm. )#mawia :]
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#idk i’ll probably just take an unofficial break#bc that’s basically what i’m doing anyways#idk i’m kinda just popping in and out currently so idk if i wanna just leave for a while again?#idk my last few breaks didn’t really work soo idk 🤷🏻♀️#idk ignore me i’m attention seeking 💁🏻♀️#i don’t think ppl actually care either way tho imao#i’m just bored of everything imao#and i just can’t be bothered with this acc at times#it’s just sitting here and i never use it properly so ehhh#could restart and make a new one but cba bruh#i have like a million accs that i don’t fucking use so there’s no point remaking my main tbh#if i don’t use my sides i keep making i’m not gonna use my main imao#unless someone can convince me of a reason to stay then idk i’m thinking of just disappearing#no im not isolating myself what are you talking about??#not that i even talk to ppl when i’m not isolating myself so it’s all the fuckin same#you’d never know the difference#idk i need to fix my life bc all i do is fucking doomscroll and i’m reallyyyy trying to cut back on that#so therefore a break#but again every time i take a break it’s just not enough? idk#i’m also not using tumblr as a metaphor for something else like what who said that 🙂↔️#anyways whatever#shutting up now 🤐#delete later?
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I wish I could handle myself in an argument without fucking crying
#My dad just got back from a like. educator’s conference on ai#and was like ‘wow it’s just so amazing. I wish students didn’t use it to cheat but it’s amazing’#and he’s talking about how he would be fine to see art and writing and stuff created by ai if he couldn’t tell the different. and was like.#if you can’t tell why would you care? to me#and I was like ??? Because I want to see things created by my fellow man? because I want to see things created by passion and love#for the craft? because I want the stories I consume to benefit talented creators and not just big corporations?#Because I want people to being able to share their art with the world instead of it all being created by a computer trained on#nonconsenting parties??#and he was like ‘yknow you really shouldn’t position yourself so anti ai. you’re never gonna be able to get a job with that attitude’#and I’m just like ‘I don’t want a job that uses ai as it currently stands? and unless this shit improves drastically I probably won’t?’#and he was like ‘well you’re gonna fuck yourself’ and then went into this long metaphor and then said that this was just like how#I hate board games and that I shouldn’t commit so hard to my dislike of something bc I’ll be missing out#when that’s not even the fucking same thing! I wish I liked board games! I wish I could share in something that literally all of my friends#love and not be a fucking bummer at parties bc I either don’t play and look weird or I do play and feel like shit and probably act like#an ass! I wish I liked board games! I simply do not enjoy playing them! I find them stressful and unenjoyable!#I don’t like ai bc I don’t like the way it’s trained! I don’t like the way companies are trying to use it! I don’t want to make or consume#things that were created by an algorithm when I have beautiful art and writing and creations by passionate people who I think should be pai#and at this point I start crying bc he’s telling me I’m never gonna get a job bc god forbid I have some principles and keeps comparing it t#the board game thing which he already knows I’m fucking sensitive about!#and I have to run upstairs like a pussy bc I don’t wanna keep talking about it bc now I’m fucking crying#I hate how I can’t get even a little bit passionate without just getting emotional. I hate that I can’t handle myself#it sucks bc now I’m sure I just look like an idiot and my evening is ruined
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Spoke to someone I don’t know over the phone, 11 dead, 32 injured
#I’m all flowery on here but in real life conversation I am the driest most uncomfortably pragmatic person alive#I’ve been scolded for being so task-focused that I forgot to say hello to the secretaries in high school when I went to do a task#or for having an “attitude” with my parents (often when I was purposefully trying to appear humble with an “idk” voice)#so I’ve amended that by fake laughing at everything and keeping my customer service voice on All The Time#0/10 it works flawlessly but I’ve also made myself into a socially anxious doormat#I’ve been the one to break it to people that their friend died on more than one occasion and I always feel bad about how I do it#I usually just blurt it out because I don’t know how to lead up to it other than saying “maybe you should sit down for this”#it would be wrong if I knew and didn’t tell them#so it has to be me… you know?#I’m so disconnected from any feelings of grief (I’ve never felt bereavement in my life) that it feels wrong for it to be me#because I’m physically incapable of sharing in their pain and emotions; I literally don’t understand it#but sometimes I’ll cry reflexively if I see someone else crying even if I don’t have any actual feelings for them or their situation#I’m more disturbed by knowing of people who are alive going through pain than I am by knowing someone died#because death is natural; suffering isn’t#unless the person is a child or otherwise very young#but if they’re old and lived a fulfilling life I recognize they’ve had a fulfilling life and hope that my life#is as fulfilling as theirs was when I go#I’m not afraid of death; I’d just like to not go before I’m good and ready#When I go away I hope that I WANT to go away; you know?
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at this point i just dont know how dreaming works
#snap chats#this sounds depressing as hell no its not im just CONFUSED#i posted bout daigo and mine for like. months everyday 24/7#and in that time ive had one Utterly Peculiar dream with daigo in it but like. on a technicality#and ive never had a dream with mine yeah. probably for the better#but i swear last night i had a dream where i was watching something with tsutsumi and nakai in it#make it make sense brain. do you know ill be mentally unwell if i see daigo or mine in my dreams.#trying so hard to remember what it was but its been lost to the subconscious#im gonna blame it partially on me having read those arasawa fics right before bed#i mean it was objectively not arakawa and jo in my dream but yk. same face#i just wanna remember what it was even about... mightve been a comedy of sorts...#OH YEAH SINCE I MENTIONED THOSE FICS im gonna throw up they were great#ooohhh i love sad/tragic fics oooh the guilt on both sides was so real and potent#im gonna think of jo helping masato walk until i die#the vision of jo in the rain with masato’s burned in my brain actually i might. draw it if you will#but im going to the mall in a hot hour so. hm. we’ll see#maybe i’ll do it before i leave for the mall... shouldnt take long...#not unless i also wanna include a shot of arakawa and turn this into a two-panel comic ig....#IDK POINT IS everyone should read those fics. both sides theyre so good#there is no happy thought and if there is its incredibly fleeting and im injecting it right into my veins#these tags are damn everywhere but i treat tumblr like a Blog blog so im updatinng everyone on everything#plus its related ok. im valid.#alright im gonna snake to my computer and crank out that drawing then#mall wont open for another two hours anyway and i dont wanna be a mout breather standin at the door as it opens so
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being the oldest daughter raised by a narcissistic emotionally abusive father is just…👩🍳👌💋
#i don’t know why i always end up crying when i know exactly what to expect from him#the constant belittling then turning around and crying victim on how i ‘hurt’ him bc he can’t accept the fact that he did something wrong#i know i shouldn’t expect anything from him but it’s like this stupid fucking useless part of me during these moments is just#so heartbroken and frustrated because it’s not fair the child in me just wants to have a dad that cares and sees her as a human#nobody fuckjng cares if they hurt me and i don’t care if they hurt me either that’s why i hurt me too#he’s supposed to be my dad he’s my only parent left and he never should’ve been a parent to begin#i can’t believe how easily he turns things on me saying it’s my fault i never come talk to him and it’s like how the fuck#you were barely basically nonexistent the first 5 years of my life then barely there from then on out#how could i ever come to you how could i trust you just because i’m your daughter by blood doesn’t mean you’re not a stranger to me#you’re supposed to be the adult you’re my father you’re supposed to come to me and guide me why are you such a helpless fucking child#i do everything on my own i have nothing to say to you just like you have nothing to say to me#small talk only does so much i don’t want to talk to him i don’t care about our relationship#i’m just literally flabbergasted at the audacity he has to gaslight and manipulate me and ply victim when i’m the one he keeps hurting#it just reinforces the idea that my feelings are invalid my feelings have been invalid to him for the past 23years#i wish i was emotionless and unfeeling i wish he didn’t have the power to affect my emotions so strongly#i’m such a little kid i wish my mom was here i wish someone wanted to protect me and talk to me and at least try to understand me#i can’t wait to be dead i just want this to be over i’m just wasting time taking up someone else’s space#i think the only time i’ll be genuinely happy is when i’m dead#i don’t remember the last time i was actually happy unless i’m distracting myself#i’m constantly maladaptive daydreaming and when i’m not i’m at work trying to be a functioning an adult#but as soon as i’m home i’m back in my dream world where i don’t have to think about me at all#when gerard said When i grow up i want to be nothing at All that man read my my mind#ramblings#vent
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i don’t know if my lack of understanding romantic social standards is an autism thing or an aroace thing and at this point i’m too afraid to find out
#icarus speaks#like. my roommate will say they have a crush on a friend right#and i’ll go ‘tell them. the worst thing they can do is say no.’#bc like. admitting it shouldn’t ruin a friendship?? if someone told me they liked me romantically#as long as they were respectful about my decision i wouldn’t care#it gets it out of the way to admit AND you’ll never know unless you try right#like. idk. i just don’t get it. i don’t get why romantic relationships are put on such a Pedestal
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tmw you give someone concise instructions but they ✨just do not get it✨
#incoherent rambling in the tags ahoy!!!!! idek where i was going with any of this so… yeah.#so anyways! a bunch of interns will be joining the lab life as of tomorrow and i already do not have high hopes for them#the reason? the school they’re from is kinda infamous in the science industry for churning out incompetent interns.#i know this to be true bc i was one of them many moons ago lmaooooo. that school was kinda… y e a h. y’know?#man… i was a truly horrible intern. i just slept at my desk all day… aside from going to the warehouse to collect chemicals and stuff#though that reminds me of that one kinda incompetent staff member who got me in trouble with one of the managers… freakin’ marvin!!!!!!!!!!!#i’ll never forget how he put the delivery order for some chemicals into the fridge with them for some reason after i left for the day??????#like dude whyyyy i put the things on the proper collection tray!!!!!!! whyyyyy did he have to put ‘em in the fridge???????????#and the manager lady called me out in the middle of the next day’s morning meeting for my apparent incompetence in losing the d. o.?????#i was so confused and 100000% not awake enough for it bc i *knew* i put the things in the correct spot >:(((((#another staff member kinda defended me but the damage was done… screw you marvin!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! never forgive#and man. *all* the interns were banned from recording the reception of the chemicals and stuff after that. so gj marvin.#i wonder what that dude’s doing with his life now though… despite all that he was still trusted enough to be a backup shift lead so i?????#but at least he kinda gives me an ego boost. whenever i feel down i remember that a guy like him was put in charge sometimes.#freakin’ marvin… i think he was also the dude who occasionally misplaced labsheets and stuff that local intern me had to hunt down… not fun.#i don’t really remember people and names that easily unless they’re of people i hate so… hm. idk what that says about my opinion of marvin—#i just hope the new interns at my workplace won’t be as bad as the recent incompetent intern… or freakin’ marvin.#that guy will probs be the only one i’ll name and shame bc i last saw him over 3 years ago so the statute of limitations is def over right—#though come to think of it… my intern experience was pretty dumb and pointless. i did make an enemy out of the local microbiologist though—#but ig i’ll try my best to not be too mean to the new interns… i hope they don’t approach me thoughhh. negative social skills ahoy!!!!#i don’t wanna teach them anything either (finally returning to the subject of the post). i still have flashbacks to the incompetent intern—#and i know for sure that they won’t come pre-loaded with any knowledge of the tests here bc i was from their school…#but c’mon new interns!!!!! pls prove me wrong!!!! pls be better interns than i was in the past!!!! pleaseeeeeeee!!!!!!!!#i’m so done with the week already. pls let it end.#sunday’s 🧂saltfest🧂
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lately i’ve been mourning friendships that fizzled out or are in the process of fizzling out, but then i remember that relationships of any kind always go both ways. i stopped trying but so did they.
#the little friend group seems to be just fine without me.#but i guess that’s just life in your twenties#what can you do#but i wonder what happened#the group chat is dead so i wonder if they all just made a new one without me#because they all still hang out and pretty frequently#so like.. what did i do?#i’m the kind of person that will not show up somewhere unless i’m invited and they know it#but i guess i’m not wanted haha#that’s fine though#i miss them but we haven’t seen each other since before christmas#so it feels like it’s too late to try and reach out now#i met up with one friend from this group like 2 months ago and it was fun#but there’s no incentive to hang out now#and like. i’m just tired and burnt out so it’s not like i really want to#but i just miss it#and when they all leave to go back home in a couple of months#maybe i’ll just block all of them and pretend we never met#since i see that i’m so replaceable#i think it’s all a consequence of moving to a different city#even if i live like 20 mins away by train#it seems like such a commute to go there#and it’s not like they want to come here either for a change#i just need to accept the fact they friendships come and go and i can’t do anything about it#it’s been like that all of my life#but why am i getting so sad and sentimental#when i’m going to hang out with so many friends tomorrow for easter. i need to remember that just because some friendships fizzled out#doesn’t mean that the others i still have aren’t just as important and precious#if someone is still reading this wow. you must think i’m so pathetic lmao. but thank you for caring#eli.txt
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guys can i talk about that fucking guy. clap if you think i should talk about that fucking guy.
(accidental ramble in the tags. oops. don’t read if you don’t want to read a crisis.)
#yo it's d :)#you already know who that fucking guy is unless you’re new here and that’s none of you so .#i need to start asking my friends if i can talk about that guy but it’s hard honestly#he literally takes up 50 to 80 per cent of my mind on a daily basis#even when i’m not thinking about him i’m thinking of him#i’ll see something blue and be like ‘wow! yk who really likes the color blue?’ and suddenly my brain is flooded with thoughts of Him#don’t get me wrong i love him but i realize that other people don’t care about him as much as i do so i’m trying to dial it back#still. it’s hard.#especially knowing that other people know how to contain themselves and i’m just sitting here raw out in the open like this#to be honest idk how i managed to survive school because since september i’ve kinda been living in mana hell(/heaven. depending on the day)#some people say they have addictive personalities and honestly i think that’s me#my brain is addicted to him! i literally study this man’s face and mannerisms and can tell you exactly how he smiles when his expression#is otherwise neutral. i can relay unnecessary amounts of his band history to you and have watched WAY too many interviews and videos#and the worst part? i literally told myself ‘hey! you can’t get like this again’* because the last time was really bad! it was destructive!#*(about a person.) i literally cannot function sometimes for just thinking about this guy.#i rarely listen to music besides his anymore and can literally tell you characteristic features of his composing! it’s kind of embarrassing!#like i’m a music nerd but i’m not THAT big of a music nerd. i usually can’t tell you things like that. most i can do is tell you#instrumentation. but whenever i listen to something he *mightve* composed i can automatically confirm or deny.#that’s not normal !!!!!!!!#having over *2000* pictures of a person you’ve never met in your phone is not normal!#but despite me being in the goddamn TRENCHES. i love him so so so much.#he genuinely makes me so happy. seeing images/videos of him from any time period makes me go ‘!!!’ because i think he’s the coolest!#and he’s so inspiring. he’s part of the reason i took up drawing again and regained some passion for music.#thus ends my tale of woe.
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" Oh, I just can't decide what to be for Halloween this year. I already did Alice... maybe Cinderella? "
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I’ve been teaching my sister how to play Genshin for some of the past hours today and I hope she quits bc now I feel really guilty about it I don’t want her to waste all her time on it and Im thinking abt why she even wanted to start the game and now I feel even more horrible bc of some reasons that I kinda feel guilty explaining
#dora daily#idk how to tell her maybe she should focus on other things and games#I don’t know I’m overthinking bc everything rn is such a mess and my heart hurt so bad earlier and I felt like throwing up and stuff idk#what to do#everything is somehow going worse and worse it feels like it’s snowballing out of control but it’s because why is everyone so mean to me#like all I have ever wanted is just to be seen but I’m always invisible to everyone and people OFTEN tell me they forget abt me so many#times that it’s more often they forget me than remember#why am I so forgettable and why do I get replaced like idk what’s wrong with me#what’s so horrible abt my personality I don’t understand like is it the way I think ? I think it’s the way I think#but I can’t change how my brain is wired or how it functions I just don’t know how to fix it#I swear I’ve tried everything for years and years I’ve spent since my very early years trying to find out what’s wrong with me and why#it’s so hard for ppl to like me I’ve tried to change everything it doesn’t work and only six months ago I found out why people don’t like me#just by trial and error#it’s my brain and the way I think it’s just all wrong idk how I’m meant to think but it’s not meant to be like this#my personality is all wrong my likes are all wrong my thinking and everything is all wrong and I’m stuck like this unless I somehow do#some surgery on my brain to fix how I think I’ll be like this forever#I wish I could just fold myself up into a little version of myself and just put it away to take up the least amount of space in this world#I’ll never belong in this world and I don’t want to be here anymore#shoot I can barely even see the text on my keyboard bc I just can’t stop crying#I always said my parents should’ve never gotten married they were never a match my mum should’ve gotten an abortion when she found out like#she never even liked my dad anyways#fuck how do I stop crying my mum is gonna be here soon and she’s gonna start laughing at me like she usually does when I tear up I’m#straight up bawling LOL imagine she sees that I’ll be made a mockery more than I already am this is so humiliating and pathetic. why do I#care sm now I’ve never wanted to be alive but now I’m so sad because I really don’t want to be here anymore but I don’t know what to do#my head hurts now maybe I should go to sleep maybe it’ll help me forget about this at least for a while longer#I’m just so sad I have to manually ask ppl to care about me I’m so tired I have to do this with everyone#I’m not even angry anymore I’m just so sad I’m sad that others get that care like it’s second nature but with me I have to ask and beg forit#oh ik if my mum sees I’ll just tell her I’ve been itching my eyes if she asks why they’re red LOL#It’s okay if nobodyll ever like me like I like them right ? I don’t have to get liked back as long as I give love to others right ? then I#won’t be useless like my mum says I am at least I can have a tiny bit of use even though my love means absolutely nothing I bet it’s okay iv
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