#bc like. admitting it shouldn’t ruin a friendship?? if someone told me they liked me romantically

[apollos-boyfriend]

i don’t know if my lack of understanding romantic social standards is an autism thing or an aroace thing and at this point i’m too afraid to find out

[serendipityseulgi]

8 Ways of Love;

— park seonghwa

according to the ancient greeks, there are eight different types of love. here is:

･*:༅｡ the one known as pragma, the enduring love.

aka, the kind of love that matures and develops over a long period of time, and somewhat rare to find. 

8 ways of love series; version i

A love story that shows the progression of yours and seongwha’s relationship from the moment you two become friends, to lovers, to exes, and everything else in between. 

love catalyst: the subconscious.

At the age of six years old you declare Park Seonghwa to be your boyfriend, solidifying your “relationship” with a hug.

“Eww, y/n, you have cooties!” your best friend barks, pushing you off him.

“Wha- hey no I don’t!” you squeak.

“Yes you do because Mingi told all the boys not to touch the girls because they have a disease and it’s going to eat our bodies alive!” he practically screeches getting up from the sandbox about to walk away from you.

“Seonghwaaa he’s lying!” you whine out and he huffs turning around to face you.

“Well all the other boys are listening to him so he has to be right.” 

“Well I touched you yesterday when we were playing tag and you’re fine!” you defend. “And if all girls have cooties then how come your mommy still hugs and kisses you goodbye in the morning? Wouldn’t you be dead now?”

Even at the age of 6 you were the biggest smartass Seonghwa knew.

After a moment of deliberation, he sighs. “Okay fine, you’re right.” your friend huffs. 

“So are you gonna back so we can play again?” you ask, arms crossed over your little body. 

Seonghwa nods before grabbing onto your hand to drag you back into the sandbox. 

The two of you return to making your sandcastle and it’s only a mere two minutes later does your friend speak up.“Am I actually your boyfriend now?” he asks suddenly and you whip your head towards him.

“Well I hugged you so yeah.” you roll your eyes at him and his soft little laugh makes your tiny heart jump.

Within the next week you two forget you’re “boyfriend-and-girlfriend” and go back to being the best friends you’ve always been, playing in the sandbox after school, watching cartoons at your house, and never missing a single dinner together while your parents listen to the two of you talk your little heads off.

For the record, there wasn’t much of a difference in your so-called relationship and your friendship in the first place when you were just six years old.

 At thirteen years old, your best friend confesses he likes you.

“Okay I know this is weird because, I should see you as like, a sister or something, I don’t know!” Seonghwa rants, pacing back and forth in your bedroom as you watch him frantically explain the way he feels about you.

“You know what I mean though? You’re like, practically family to me! Right? Right...” you figure he’s talking more to himself than to you as he asks himself questions that he’s quick to answer to. “Like you’re probably gonna think I’m weird or something, but you are my best friend and I don’t want it to be weird-”

“Seonghwa for the love of god can you just get to your point.” you interrupt impatiently.

“I like you okay?” he says quietly, avoiding all eye contact with you. 

His heart is beating so fast he feels like it’s actually going to rip right through his chest. He’s never been nervous around you ever. You’re his best friend, and you have been since you were 5 years old, and he doesn’t know why he suddenly feels like you’re the only girl he wants in his life. 

When he hears you laughing at him his heart drops to his stomach and he braces himself for the upcoming rejection.

“Can you come sit next to me.” you ask, gesturing to the empty spot on your bed. 

Seonghwa complies, yet his anxiety is rising by the second. He has never been so nervous in all the thirteen years he’s been alive. He almost wants to vomit as his stomach churns at the thought of you telling him you didn’t feel the same way.

“You’re rejecting me aren’t you...” he sighs, plopping down onto the spot next to you.

You shake your head with a smile. “No idiot, I like you too. Obviously.” you roll your eyes at him.

“Wait, what? Seriously??” he almost goes into shock. “Are you joking?”

“I mean, I thought it was pretty obvious.” you shrug. “I was throwing subtle signs at you for the longest time.”

“Like what?!” 

“Like the time I kept pestering you to take me to the Valentine’s Day dance, and when I made you hold my hand during that scary movie when you know I never get scared of horror films. Oh, and the time you kept badgering me about why I rejected Hongjoong for no good reason. I kept telling you that you were the only guy I needed in my life and you were too oblivious to realize I didn’t mean it in the friend way anymore.” you chuckle.

“Oh... Oh,” Seonghwa realizes. “I really am oblivious then.”

“It’s okay, I already knew you liked me back anyways.” you smirk at him, grabbing your remote off the bedside table.

You flip the TV on as you feel Seonghwa’s heavy gaze on you. “So does this mean you’re my girlfriend?” he asks you and you pause.

“I mean technically we never broke up when we were six so you’re basically just re-asking me out.” you tease, pulling the blankets on both your bodies as you settle on a show to watch.

“Oh god, you still remember that?” 

Of course you do. 

“Obviously, how could I forget you screaming to the entire park that I had cooties.” 

He laughs at that and you can’t help but smile widely hearing him. You both lay comfortably next to one another, watching intently at the show in front of you, yet both your minds were racing at the fact that officially, you could say you were boyfriend and girlfriend. 

“So when did you start liking me?” he asks you. 

“Honestly, I think I always did.” you answer truthfully. “But, like actually realizing my feelings for you?” you pause for a moment to think. “I think it was when you got really sick that one time and your parents were away for a business trip, and my mom made me drop off soup to your house. And I was only supposed to drop off the soup but I took care of you because even when you were all snotty and gross and barely awake to hang out with me, I kinda just realized I’d rather spend my time with you doing that than anywhere else.”

His eyes soften at you. “Aww.”

“Buuut then before that, there was also that time that Ashley told you she liked you and I got super jealous and I was actually going to shove her into a brick wall, so ...I kinda just figured...” you add.

“Way to ruin a sappy moment, moron.” Seonghwa playfully shoves you and you laugh. 

You cuddle up next to him returning your attention back to the show in front of you. Only a few minutes pass before Seonghwa speaks up again, and his question catches you off guard.

“What if we break up... like eventually?” 

You think about it for a second. “Then we go back to being best friends.”

“That easy?”

“That easy.” you nod. 

“For the record though, I don’t ever want there to be a time where I don’t like you. I hope there isn’t.” he says.

“I hope there isn’t either.” you assure, and just like that, you two go back to watching tv.

You’ve always had a soft spot for Seonghwa so it never came as a surprise to you, or anybody for that matter when you figured out you had a little crush on your best friend. 

In a hypothetical situation, if somewhere along the way your feelings ever started to fade, you still couldn’t picture a life where he wasn’t right beside you no matter what. He was your person, and he has been since you two were five. There was nobody in this world that could replace the bond you had with him.

Even at the age of thirteen, you knew you wanted Seonghwa to be there for the rest of your life.

At the age of fourteen and a half, you and Seonghwa have your first ever fight where he conveniently declares that he loves you for the first time. 

seonghwa <3; received 4:24 pm

y/n can u not be like this and talk to me :( 

plsssssss

i’m sorry

can u let me come over and talk to u

Your phone continues to buzz as you stare at it beside you, rolling your eyes at his insistent messaging.

You try your best to ignore it but the continuous beeping irritates you to no end.

you; delivered 4:26 pm

no

i’m mad at u.

seonghwa <3; received 4:26 pm

:(

you; delivered 4:27 pm

can u like do smth with ur life instead of bothering me

seonghwa <3; received 4:27 pm

ouch.

Okay, you admit. That one was a low blow and for a second you almost feel bad until you’re reminded of the fact that you were still royally pissed at him.

you; delivered 4:28 pm

ur actually annoying

seonghwa <3; received 4:28 pm

ya ik i am

but yk what i’m not

someone who is going to do nothing about their gf being mad at them

so open ur window bc im climbing up so i can apologize

stop being a meanie and let me say sorry

Despite how mad you still are, your heart can’t help but skip a beat reading his messages. No matter how hard you wanted to stay angry at him and tell him to go away, you knew you wouldn’t be able to resist him even if you tried. Seonghwa was charming like that, always managing to sweet talk you in every way. 

You crack open your window and see his tuft of black hair climbing up your ladder. As he hops into your bedroom you fold your arms across your chest, not daring to say a word to him until he speaks first.

“Look, I’m sorry for being an ass earlier.” Seonghwa apologizes, and all you do is look at him. He sighs before continuing. “I was just having a bad day and took it out on you and I shouldn’t have blown up on you during class. I get it. Dick move.”

“But then you had to go and talk to Ashley about it?” you added. “That was like the worst part of it! Do you trust her more than me or something?”

“What? No! Of course not!” he panics. 

“You, and everyone else and their mother knows she’s like obsessed with you!” you shout in frustration. “She’s liked you for so long, do you know how stupid you made me look running off to her knowing how she feels about you?!”

“That wasn’t my intention-”

“Were you trying to make me mad?”

“No, y/n.”

“Did you do it to make me jealous?”

“No!”

“So why Seonghwa, did you have to go and vent to her after you yelled at me in front of everyone when all I did was try to help?”

“I don’t know, okay!”

“I just don’t understand why me of all people you had to take it out on. When all i’ve literally done for you for like the last ten freaking years of us being friends was listen to you when you had a bad day or try to cheer you up when you were down! Never once when I was feeling crappy did I take that out on you. Never.” you explain with a heavy sigh. 

“I’m sorry.” he doesn’t know what else to say because he knows he’s in the wrong. 

“Do you like her or something?” your voice is quiet and the hurt is evident. “Cause if you do just tell me.”

Seonghwa is quick to shut you down as he pulls you into his arms.

“No, no, no. Y/n, I don’t like her. I don’t. Please believe me.” he begs. “Look, I don’t know why I went to her when I should’ve gone to you. I couldn’t even begin to explain what was going through my head at that point because I don’t know. But I love you, okay? I would never, ever like Ashley.”

Your eyes widen and you pull away from him. “W-what did you just say?”

“I... um...” Seonghwa starts to fumble over his words because he didn’t exactly intend to tell you, but it sort of just came out and now he’s starting to panic.

“Do you mean it?” you ask.

He just nods, a little embarrassed at his sudden declaration.

“I love you too.” you say softly, and he relaxes.

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

"I’m really sorry, y/n.” he pulls you close to him, burying his face into your hair as he hugs you tightly.

“I’m sorry too.” you murmur against him.

“I hate fighting with you.” he mumbles.

“Me too.”

“I promise I’ll never take my anger out on you again. And I’ll never talk to Ashley again. And I’ll literally do whatever you want me to if it means you won’t stay mad at me because I don’t like it when you’re mad at me, and I hate making you sad.” he rambles and you let out a small chuckle.

“Just come lay down and watch Friends with me.”

“Okay.”

And you ultimately forget that you’re mad at Seonghwa because you decide that you can’t really stay mad at him after he tells you that he loves you. And although all is forgiven, he still decides to grovel for the next week as a reassurance that he really meant his apology.

So at fourteen years old, you have your first, and last fight with him.

At the age of sixteen, you celebrate your three year anniversary with Seonghwa, and decide you were ready to lose your virginity to him.

“Okay I know you said that the expensive dinner date was enough of a present for you, but you know me and always overdoing it....” he says behind you as you hear the crinkling of a bag behind you.

“Seonghwa...”

“Trust me, babe. You’re gonna love it.” he assures as he walks over to you.

Your eyes instantly fall onto the small red velvet box in his hands and your mouth falls open.

“This was expensive wasn’t it?” you pry and he shrugs.

“Maybe, but I was saving up for it for a while now.” he responds, sitting next to you as he hands you the box.

“I always feel bad every time you spend money on me.” you sigh as your fingers smooth over the velvet.

“I know but it was worth it, trust me. Open it.” Seonghwa urges.

You pull apart the bow and lift up the lid, your eyes widening in awe at the shiny ring placed inside. You lift it out gently noticing the small engraving on the inner part of the band, with both your initials and a small ‘i love you 4ever’ written underneath.

“Oh my god,” you utter. “I love it.” you place the ring on your finger.

“Good because I have a matching one too.” your boyfriend grins at you as he pulls out another box lined with a silver band with that very same engraving. 

You pull him in for a hug as he wraps his arms around you instinctively and all you can feel right now is an overload of gratitude for him. 

“I actually love you so much.” you say, pulling his face towards you to press soft kisses all over his face.

“Yeah, I know I’m the best,” Seongwha chuckles. “But I love you too baby.”

Your lips mould together perfectly, the kiss slow and soft at first. His hands wrap around your waist and your mouth moves gently against his. But soon enough you’re clinging to him and his body is pressed against yours, the kiss growing more needy and intense.

You knew when things started to get heavy he would stop the both of you from going further, never wanting to push you to discomfort. The furthest you had gone with one another was only third base, but it never went further than that and Seonghwa always left that decision up to you if you wanted to take it there.

You figure if you don’t speak up now, he was going to cut this short, so it’s only then at this very moment do you decide you wanted him to be your first.

“Do you want to have sex?” you blurt out suddenly and you swear you’ve never seen your boyfriend’s eyes go so wide before. 

He opens his mouth to speak but he can’t seem to find the right words to say. “I- um, wait, are you being for real?” he stutters. “I mean, I do want to, but, are you sure you want to?” he asks, still in disbelief from your question.

“Shit, sorry I know that was really sudden to ask, but I do want to.” you assure. “But only if you want to.”

“Of course I want to.” his eyes soften, and his hand finds yours in an instant delivering a comforting squeeze.

“Okay so come here and kiss me again please.” you say quietly.

And just like that, Seongwha’s soft lips land on yours once more. Without breaking apart he gently guides you to the head of his bed, laying you down underneath him as your bodies press up against each other.

You swear you can kiss Seongwha for hours and never grow tired of the feeling. You get drunk off his kisses, unable to think of anything else but him. It’s dizzying really, but you love it. You find that off all the things you love about him its his lips, and how impossibly soft they are and how familiar they feel against your own. How much comfort it would bring you, and how all you had to when you had a bad day was just kiss your boyfriend for however long he let you.

It felt like home.

His lips trailed lower to your neck, littering soft pecks across your skin. Quiet noises escape your lips and Seongwha can’t help but grind against your lower half. His hands travel across your body and the ache between your legs grows by the second, and the only thing you can think of is how much you love him, and need him.

Your mind kind of blurs because the next second you find yourself both naked and he’s fiddling in his drawer to find what you assumed to be a condom. He notices your curious stare as he opens his mouth to speak. “M-my dad told me to keep these in here,” Seongwha stutters. “He said to be prepared in case the time comes, and well, here’s the time I guess.” he laughs lightheartedly and the very sound makes your heart swell. 

“Nice call on Papa Park I guess,” you joke and Seongwha chuckles.

He climbs over you and delivers another peck to your swollen lips. “Okay, no more mention of my dad please when I’m about to put my penis in you.”

“Sorry, sorry.” you chuckle nervously as your boyfriend pulls you in for another kiss. 

"Okay, if it hurts tell me to stop and I will, alright?” his eyes stare deeply into your own.

You nod at him with a small smile, admiring what little of his face you could see in the darkness of his room. “I will, don’t worry.”

“Okay.” he sighs, positioning himself in front of you. “I love you.” he whispers against your lips. 

“I love you more, baby.” you say to him before you feel him push himself inside you. You gasp at the feeling and he stills in his spot to let you adjust. 

And once you signal that it’s okay for him to move, he does at a slow pace, and you gasp at the intense pleasure. Even though the pain has subsided his thrusts are still slow and controlled, and you don’t know if it’s because he’s afraid to hurt you, or if he just wants to revel in the feeling of you around him. Either way your heart fills with love for this one boy. 

“I love you so much, you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me, you  know that?” he whispers in your ear and your eyes shut at his words and the newfound feeling you would grow to love. “and thank you for trusting me right now...” his breathing grows heavy. “because I would do anything for you, and I just want you to know that, okay?”

You almost feel like you could cry because above all the pleasure that you’re experiencing right now, his words feel different, more intimate, and all the more meaningful to you. 

And you believe every word he says because you know he truly means it.

“I would do anything for you too.” you repeat his words back to him and he buries his face into your neck as he continues to thrust into you. 

So at sixteen years old, you have your first time with the love of your life. And you tell yourself that no matter what happens between the both of you, you were never going to regret giving that part of yourself to him. 

At the age of eighteen years old, you do the unthinkable.

You decide after a long and heavy conversation, you two were going to break up. You were both set to leave town to pursue your studies at your dream schools, and you felt that parting ways at this point was the better option.

While you two could figure out a way to make things work while half way across the world from each other, you had to take into account all the factors that would drive you two apart. The time difference, the long distance, the fact that you were inevitably going to meet new people, and that you simply did not want to hold each other back from experiencing a life without one another. 

Because all you’ve known almost your entire life was being with Seonghwa, and him with you. You knew it was only fair to give each other the chance to explore something new, and now was that time.

It wasn’t an easy decision by any means, and although it was an amicable split, you’ve never felt the pain of a broken heart before. It hurt really bad.

Your friends and family decide to throw you both one last goodbye party, wanting to celebrate this special milestone with you. And of course there was no way you and Seonghwa could pass up the last good night you two would have together as a couple.

The party was fun at first. The dancing, the singing, the laughing, and the endless exchange of pictures as you guys shared the last few memories you would have as high school graduates. 

But as the night started to creep in, you both realized that in less than 24 hours, you two would no longer be attached to one another like you had been for the last thirteen years. And after five years as a couple, you still couldn’t believe that your relationship would come to an end, just like that.

You hear the faint music in the background of your house, as you and Seonghwa sit in your backyard, gazing up at the stars.

“This fucking sucks.” Seonghwa sighs, resting his head on your shoulder as you lean your head on top of his. 

“I know.” your throat burns, suppressing the urge to cry. 

“I just didn’t expect this day to come. I never thought we would actually break up with each other.” he admits, and you nod your head in agreement. 

You grab onto his hand rubbing comforting circles onto his skin, and you feel Seonghwa’s body start to shake next to you. You don’t want to look at him because you know if you see him cry, you’ll cry too.

You close your eyes trying to control your heavy breathing and the quivering of your lips. Your eyes are watering but you refuse to let your tears slip, and your heart hurts like it’s never hurt before, and you don’t know if the pain will ever go away.

“Seonghwa I really love you.” your voice breaks and you finally let the tears fall.

“I know, baby.” the pet name has always affected you, but now more than ever it tugs at your heart strings in a bittersweet way. “I really, really love you too. Always.”

“You know you’re the love of my life right? You’re always going to be.” you state and he delivers a squeeze to your hand in acknowledgement.

“And you’ll always be mine.” he answers back. “You’re my best friend in the whole world and the last five years with you as my girlfriend will forever be the greatest five years of my life. I will always stand by the fact that you are the best thing to ever happen to me.”

As you stare at one another with teary eyes, he knows you’re saying the same exact words to him. He doesn’t need to hear you say it, nor does he expect you to. Your eyes say more than enough to him.

You look down at the rose gold band around your finger and you realize how long you’ve kept it on, never once taking it off since that day Seonghwa gave it to you. “Do you want your ring back?” you utter, your eyes watering once more.

Seonghwa shakes his head. “Please keep it. Because I still mean it. And I always will. I’m gonna love you forever, y/n. Even if you decide to take it off, if that’s the last reminder you have of how much I love you, then please keep it.”

Your heart is hurting, and the tears seem never ending as they continue to fall down your cheeks. “I don’t want to leave you Seonghwa.” a sob escapes from your lips, and Seonghwa squeezes your hand again.

“I know, baby but you have to. You’re going to the school you’ve dreamed of going to since you were in the fourth grade. You’re going to accomplish so much and a build a great life for yourself, y/n. And even though I won’t be physically with you, I’m always going to support you every step of the way.” he assures.

You knew in a perfect world you two didn’t have to break up. But long distance was a bitch, and you moving across the world was never going to be easy on him. You couldn’t force each other to wait for the other. Not when the both of you had to start a whole new life separately. You had to let each other go.

You turn to face him, your teary eyes staring into his own. “I’ll always support you too, okay? No matter what. I want you to make the most of your time in Seoul, study hard, surround yourself with good people and have the most fun you’ve ever had. You’re gonna make so many friends and pursue the career you’ve always wanted and experience new things that you’ve never done before. And most of all, you’re going to meet a girl and love her just as much as you loved me. And you’re gonna fall in love all over again, and just be happy. Just promise me that you will make the most of your time over there and live your life to the fullest. Don’t look back, don’t wait for me. Just live until I get to see you again.” your voice breaks. “And if somehow we find our way back to one another, then just know everything we did up to that point was worth it.”

Seonghwa lets out a sob and nods. “I promise.” his voice breaks and you pull him in for your last goodbye kiss.

At nineteen, you visit your hometown for Christmas, which was the first time you’d be back in a year and a half. 

Having missed out on the chance to visit last year with your busy schedule, you made sure not to pass up the chance to see your family and friends. The more you grew accustomed to your new home you managed to find a good balance between school, work, and your personal life, so you found that this year was finally a good time to return back for a visit.

And there was no better time to come home than for Christmas day.

“Yeah, just landed at our layover and waiting for the next flight.” you say to your mother over Facetime.

“That’s great honey, I’m so excited to see you.” she smiles at you and you return the gesture. 

“I missed you mom.” you say.

“And I missed you even more.” 

You two continue conversing amongst one another, as she filled you in on all things you missed while you were gone before a voice interrupts your conversation.

“Hey babe, here.” Juyeon says, handing you a coffee as he presses a small kiss to your forehead.

“Oh thank you.” you murmur with a small smile as your boyfriend sits down next to you.

“Oh hey miss y/l/n!” Juyeon greets seeing your mom’s face plastered on your screen.

“Juyeon!” she squeals excitedly. “I can’t wait to finally meet you in person instead of over video chat. It was about damn time.” she states and you and your boyfriend chuckle. You hand him your phone allowing them to talk with one another and you smile fondly at the newfound bond between Juyeon and your mother.

“I know, I can’t wait to meet all of you guys too! I know y/n’s been really excited, it was all she could talk about for the last three weeks.” he teases. “And she says you make really good pie so i am definitely looking forward to that.”

“That is such an understatement, I make the best pie.” she scoffs. “And I made one specifically for you.” your mother beams.

After a few minutes of playful banter exchanged, Juyeon hands your phone back to you. “I’m gonna go to the bathroom before we board, I’ll be back.” he excuses himself and you nod in acknowledgement. 

“Oh y/n, I just thought I should mention Seonghwa and his family are coming over for Christmas dinner as well.” your mom says and the sheer mention of his name as your heart beating in your chest.

“Oh he’s back in town too?” you ask casually and she nods.

“Yup, he’s also bringing his girlfriend.” she adds.

“That’s great, I’m really happy for him.” you say with a smile.

And you meant it, truly. 

You knew of his girlfriend from the few photos he posted of her on instagram, and he seemed genuinely happy. Aside from his newfound love, he was clearly enjoying his time in Seoul like you had hoped, and it was everything you wished for him. 

You two hadn’t really spoken over the last year, and it wasn’t really on purpose, you two just kind of drifted, as expected. You two were starting fresh in an unfamiliar place, and you both were finding your way around your new homes. You two were also preoccupied with school, and meeting new people so it was sort of inevitably really that you two grew apart. Of course there were the few times you two would chat, but it never lasted long due to time differences and busy schedules. 

Although you missed him immensely, you were beyond happy for the life he started for himself, and you knew he was happy for you too. He did exactly what he promised you the last night you spent together, and that was enough to make you happy.

“Flight 219 now boarding.” the announcer calls and Juyeon meets you right on time.

“Okay mom, that’s us. I’ll see you in a few hours, bye, love you.” you bid your farewell before hanging up, and Juyeon grabs your hand leading you to the gate.

“Ready to go home?” he smiles at you, and you beam excitedly, nodding your head.

As the days pass leading up to Christmas, you spend all of your of time with your family and friends, using every second to catch up with your loved ones. You find that Juyeon is adapting well to your home life, bonding with your father and making your mother love him even more than she already did. You introduce him to your childhood friends and he instantly wins over Mingi, Hongjoong, Yunho and Jennie. You admire how much of an effort he put into forming a friendship with them because he knew how much it meant to you.

You were thankful really, to find a guy who was almost perfect for you.

But still, in the back of your mind, even though you loved Juyeon beyond belief, you knew Seonghwa would always have that special place in your heart.

On the day of Christmas, you and Juyeon set the table as you await the Park’s arrival. You were slightly nervous, obviously, given the fact that you had not seen Seonghwa in over a year and you would be meeting his girlfriend. Although you were happy for him, you still felt anxious to see him and her, and you could only hope that she was good for him, because he deserved that much. 

Only a few moments later do you hear a knock at your door and your mother walks over to greet your longtime neighbours. Juyeon stands next to you as he wraps an arm around your waist comfortingly and you relax against him. 

You see Mrs. Park first as she walks inside, giving your mother a friendly hug. Mr. Park follows suit as he greets your mother and your father with a wide smile on his face.

And then you see him.

His hair is slightly darker and he does look a little older. But other than that his face is so familiar to you and your heart beats wildly in your chest as the two of you make eye contact. His face softens when he sees you and you deliver a small wave to him as he smiles. His girlfriend trails behind him and you take notice of how beautiful she was. You smile at her too and she returns the gesture and your heart kind of warms seeing how shy she is because you always kind of knew Seonghwa would pick someone similar to him.

“Oh my y/n, how long has it been!” Mrs. Park calls towards you and you hug her tightly. 

“I missed you!” you say to her and her arms wrap tighter around you.

“I missed you too, darling. And you look even more beautiful than the last time I saw you!” she compliments. “And who is this handsome man?”

“This is Juyeon, he’s my boyfriend.” you smile, and Juyeon shakes her hand.

“Nice to meet you, Mrs. Park. Y/n’s talked a lot about your family.” he says politely.

“Y/n’s picked a good one, I see.” she winks playfully as you notice Seonghwa and his girlfriend make their way towards you two.

“Hey y/n, long time no see.” Seonghwa says and you almost melt at the sound of his voice. He pulls you in for a hug and you notice how he still wears the same cologne that you had bought him all those years ago.

“Yeah, it’s good to see you again.” you smile at him, and although it had been well over a year since you two last saw each other, there was no hint of awkwardness, just nostalgia.

“Oh, this is Juyeon.” you introduce and Seonghwa delivers a warm smile to your boyfriend, shaking his hand respectfully.

“Nice to meet you.” Juyeon smiles.

“It’s nice to meet you too, I’m Seonghwa. Y/n’s... childhood friend.” he decides to say.

“I know she’s mentioned you a lot in her stories.” your boyfriend acknowledges. “From all the things she told me you were one of the people I was looking forward to meet the most. You seemed really great to her.”

“I could only hope so. She was my best friend after all.” Seonghwa glances at you, and you know there’s a deeper meaning behind his words. “And you seem like a really great guy, so I’m glad she has good people in her life.” Seonghwa returns and you find it heartwarming how well their exchange is going.

You look at the girl beside your ex and she’s staring at you with gentle, curious eyes. “Hi, I’m y/n.” you smile at her, extending your hand out for her to shake.

“Rosé,” she beams at you and you don’t even really know her but there was something about her that assured you she was good fit for Seonghwa. “I heard a lot about you as well, Hwa’s always talking about his life back home so I’m really glad I got to meet his best friend. You were really special to him.”

You smile softly. “I’m glad I got to meet you too.” you say.

“Okay, time for dinner everyone!” your father announces and you all take a seat at the table, passing over plates of food and catching up with one another.

“So Seonghwa, how’s Seoul treating you?” your mother asks as everyone turns their attention towards him.

“Uh really good actually,” he responds. “I joined a band actually! Uh, I became friends with these really nice guys. San and Yeosang. They basically recruited me after they found out I could sing and now we play at this local bar every week on Friday’s and Saturday’s. It was really good for me, I think. It helped with my stress and stuff. And that’s actually where I met Rosé.”

“That’s amazing.” your mother comments with a warm smile.

“Yeah he was really shy at first but San kind of forced him to talk to me which I was really thankful for because I was eyeing him for a while and was too shy myself to approach him.” Rosé says. “I still remember the night he asked for my number and he was stumbling over his words and I swear he looked like he was going to pass out.” she chuckles, and everyone at the table laughs along with her.

“Oh my god I know what you mean, he also cracks his fingers a lot and starts to turn really purple when he’s nervous.” you add and Rosé points at you nodding in agreement.

“Yes! I notice that all the time!” she laughs, and you can’t help but laugh with her.

“Trust me, I have the most embarrassing stories of him when we were kids.” you say.

“Oh god, you have to tell me all of them.” Rosé giggles.

“Obviously, we have the whole night for that.” you wink at her, and you realize how easy and natural it was to talk to her, and that confirmed that you indeed really liked her. 

Seonghwa watches the exchange between you both, and as you two make eye contact with each other, a small smile appears on his face as you nod at him, silently approving of the girl he chose to bring home for this special day. His heart grows full seeing how well the two of you got along, and he’s forever grateful at how amazing of a person you were that you were so willingly to form a friendship with his new girlfriend.

Although he loved Rosé dearly, there was still a piece of his heart where he’d always love you. And that piece grows a little more when he realizes how you continue to support him, even through this unconventional situation. 

Seonghwa decides he’s going to do the same for you, because just like you were happy for him, he was happy for you too. 

Of course he was glad you found someone who could put a smile on your face like he once did, and he knows that for you to have willingly dated Juyeon, he had to have been just as great as you were. You always had the best judgement of people.

“So Juyeon, how’d you and y/n meet?” Seonghwa asks genuinely and he notices the way his face lights up at the mention of your name.

“We had a lot of mutual friends and they introduced us. It’s funny actually, I could tell y/n didn’t even really like me that much at first, she was always so disinterested when I would try and talk to her.” Juyeon laughs.

“Probably stressing too much about trivial things.” Seonghwa chuckles.

“Yeah she does that a lot, so overly anxious all the time” Juyeon notes, and Seonghwa agrees. 

“Hey,” you interrupt and Juyeon apologizes.

“Sorry babe,” he chuckles. "but yeah, I finally sweet talked my way to get her to go out on a coffee date with me and then the next day she asked to go out for lunch after our lecture. We kind of just ended up hanging out more often and well, the rest is history I guess.”

“That’s great, I’m really glad she found someone that makes her happy.” Seonghwa smiles, and you feel a sense of gratitude towards him.

The rest of the night your families converse with one another and share a few drinks, as you and Seonghwa share old stories with Juyeon and Rosé. If you told yourself three years ago that you would be sitting by the fireplace on Christmas day with you and Seonghwa as exes exchanging stories with your new lovers, you would’ve never believed it. 

But you don’t think it’s a bad thing at all. In fact you’re immensely grateful that despite not being as close to Seonghwa anymore, you were able to see each other grow and adapt with your new lives. A life where you made new friends and made new memories. Where you tried things you’ve never tried before, and explored new places. And where you could love other people and still be so insanely happy for one another. 

This was a good thing.

At one point during the night the two of you find yourselves alone, a comfortable silence filling the room as you stared at the fire in front of you, basking in its warmth.

“I missed you.” Seonghwa is the first to break the silence.

“I missed you too.” you return. “And I’m really happy for you, you know?” 

“I’m really happy for you too, y/n.” Seonghwa smiles at you. “And I really like Juyeon. He seems really great, and he makes you happy, I can see it. That’s all I ever wanted for you.”

You hum in acknowledgement. “And I think Rosé is amazing. She’s perfect for you. And I’m forever grateful that you two have each other. I know we’ve drifted over the last year, but you’re still my best friend in the whole world. And even though I don’t say it often, or even out loud, I’m supporting you through everything. As long as it makes you happy that’s all I care about.”

His heart warms at your statement and he locks eyes with you. “And you know I’m always supporting you too. Seeing you happy and thriving is the best thing that’s ever happened to you. It’s all I want for you.” he states.

Neither of you have to say it, but you know this is your unspoken way of saying that you both still loved each other greatly. You still stood by the fact that Seonghwa was, and always would be the most important person in your life, and you in his. Seeing one another content and happy despite not having each other around anymore, was the one thing that mattered to you both. The maturity and support you continued to show was only because of the immense love you have, and have always had for one another. 

The kind of love that lets you give up the person you love the most so they can have a better life without you. 

And the kind of love that’s okay with it.

At twenty-one years old, you and Seonghwa meet again.

It’s during one of your breaks where you find yourself extremely homesick. You don’t even give your family a heads up until you’re outside your childhood home knocking at your door.

It was an impulsive decision but it’s not like you were currently in school. You had the time and the money, and you missed your hometown so incredibly bad that it only took you one second to make that decision to come back.

“Coming, one second!” you hear a male voice call behind the door and your eyebrows furrow in confusion.

“Well, that’s is definitely not my mom, or dad.” you say to yourself. “Did they move out without telling me or something-” your internal conversation is cut short as the door swings open and you’re greeted by an unexpected figure.

“Y/n?” the boy says in surprise.

“Seonghwa??” you say even more confused. 

“Who’s at the door Seonghwa?” now that’s your mother’s voice you hear and she gasps as she walks over to the door. “Y/n! Oh my god why didn’t you tell me you were coming back?!” she pulls you into her arms.

“Surprise.” you chuckle. “I kind of sort of felt really homesick and impulsively bought a plane ticket last night so I could fly back so... here I am.”

“Well come settle in! Seonghwa was just helping with some renovations in the house but I’ll let you two catch up.” your mother grabs your luggage, carrying it up to your bedroom. “Go grab a coffee or something!” she yells upstairs.

You look over to Seonghwa and he shrugs. “Let’s go then.” he smiles and your heart swells.

The two of you walk comfortably beside one another as you take in the scenery around you, missing the familiar place you once called home. 

“I didn’t know you were back in town too.” you say after a few moments of silence.

“Yeah, it was pretty impulsive too actually.” he admits as he looks at you. 

“What was your reason?” you ask curiously.

“Break up.” he states and your mouth falls open.

“Wait, you and Rosé...” 

He nods. “Yeah, things just kinda, fizzled out. You know, we grew apart, wanted different things, came to a point where we were in different stages in our life.”

“Oh wow.” is all you say. “I’m sorry to hear, she was really sweet. I really liked her.”

“Yeah, she was,” Seonghwa sighs. “I mean, we ended on good terms. We’re still friends, actually. I don’t even think I’m necessarily sad about it to be honest, it’s just different, you know? Like I know we weren’t even dating for that long, like two and a half years at most. But I just got so used to being around her and spending so much time with her, and then things just weren’t really the same after a while. It just felt odd not having someone. And being alone made me miss everything I had here so I came back.”

You nod your head in understanding. “Yeah, I totally get what you mean.”

Seonghwa raises his eyebrow at you. “You mean... you and Juyeon too?”

“Mhm,” you hum. “I think for us we just realized we were better off as friends than as a couple, you know? Like after a while the attraction kind of went away and we were only really together because it was comfortable. And we didn’t want to stay together if we weren’t in love anymore, it wouldn’t have made sense. The break up was easy and it felt right when we ended things, I kind of wish it happened sooner but, I was still thankful for the time we spent together. He is still one of my best friends so I’m grateful for that at least.”

“That’s good.” he smiles softly. 

“Hey at least we both can confidently say we have a track record of smooth break ups, right?” you joke lightheartedly.

“Thank god for that.” Seonghwa says with a laugh.

When you two enter the coffee shop you’re once again hit with a feeling of nostalgia as you think of all the times you, Seonghwa, and your friends would spend most days after school, drinking hot chocolate and eating pastries together as you all talked for hours and hours.

“I’ll get our usuals, you can wait by our spot.” Seonghwa offers, and you nod making your way towards your designated table. 

The moment you sit down you’re hit with a wave of flashbacks you shared in this very space, and a small smile creeps onto your face as you look back on all the old memories. 

After your brief moment of reminiscing, Seongwha sits across from you handing over your cup. 

“Sometimes you don’t realize how much you miss home until you’re actually back in all the places you grew up in,” you note as you take notice of the small engraving in the corner of the table marked with yours and all your friends’ initials. Your fingers ghost over the mark and when you look up at Seongwha you see that he’s also eyeing the engraving. 

“I remember when we put that there,” he recalls with a smile. “After five years of coming here and sitting at this same exact table with our friends we claimed our ownership by putting that stupid engraving that took us forever to do. As if that stopped people from sitting here anyways.” you both chuckled.

“Well at least Jennie and Hongjoong were brave enough to kick out the people who stole our spot.” you laugh.

“Yeah,” Seonghwa smiles fondly at the memory. “I still remember the days where Mingi and Yunho would bet the barista on how many butter croissants they could eat in one sitting so we could all get a supply of free hot chocolate for a year.”

“And it was only after Mingi threw up everywhere that it turned out all we had to do was ask her, and she would’ve done it anyways because we were regulars here.” you finish with a soft chuckle.

A comfortable silence fills the air as you two reminisce on the old memories of your teenage years.

“Can I ask you something?” Seonghwa says.

“Of course.”

“When you finish university,” he starts. “What are you gonna do afterwards? Like do you plan on living abroad permanently? Or are you gonna come back home?”

You pause for a second. “Honestly, after the first year there, I fell in love with the city. And I truly was planning on starting my life there and making that my permanent home, ‘cause I had Juyeon, and I had my new friends, I had jobs lined up for me after graduation, and just an overall great home.” you say. “But after splitting up with him, and sitting with the fact that I was constantly homesick, I kinda realized that this is my home, you know? Like, no matter how much I loved my new friends, and loved the city, it would never be as special to me as here. Nothing over there compared to everything I have here. And I knew you were gonna come back from Seoul after graduation, and Jennie and Yunho were gonna come back from New Zealand too. And Mingi and Hongjoong, and the rest of them were all still here... I didn’t want to be the only one gone. All my real friends are here, my family’s here... you’re here. I didn’t want to leave that all behind.” you exclaim and Seonghwa’s face softens.

“I’m really glad honestly.” he responds. “Because I missed you a lot. And it would’ve really sucked to know you weren’t gonna be here anymore when I moved back. I just really miss spending time with my best friend.”

Your heart skips a beat. “Well, you have the next two weeks to do that.” you smile up at him.

“I have an idea.” his eyes light up and you raise an eyebrow at him. “Do you wanna have a sleepover tonight? We can have a move night and order take out like the good old times.” he grins at you.

“You had me at sleepover.” you say with a smile and so he grabs your hand, pulling you towards the exit.

When Seonghwa lets you into his house you almost forget the fact that you haven’t been inside in almost three whole years. This was practically your second home and you found comfort in the fact that nothing really changed since you last saw it. Everything looked almost exactly how you remembered it, minus the new couch and dining table, and a few new paintings hung up on the walls.

“Your mom didn’t change much over the last few years.” you observe.

“Yeah, she was going to do a whole renovation like your mom, and she even planned a whole design out, but she opted out last minute. She said she wanted me to come back home to something I remembered.” Seonghwa answers. “I didn’t get why at first but it only started making sense to me the more I started visiting and realized this was like my safety net.”

“Yeah, that makes sense.” you say.

You and Seonghwa walk upstairs to his bedroom, and of course nothing changed inside either. It almost seemed like it had been untouched aside from the fresh bedsheets and clean floor. You notice the small picture frames neatly placed across his dresser table and you realize most of them are pictures with you. You pick one frame up as you remember the day so clearly. A faint smile forms on your face as your fingers ghost over the photo.

“I asked my mom to put those up again recently.” Seonghwa states from behind you. “I was gonna put more with our friends but I realized we didn’t take many with them. They were mostly just of us two. I hope you don’t think it’s weird.”

You shake your head. “No, of course not. I would never think it’s weird.” you say, placing the frame back onto his dresser.

Seonghwa tosses you one of his shirts and a pair of your old shorts that you always left at his house during your impromptu sleepovers. And suddenly you’re once again hit with a wave of nostalgia. 

“What do you wanna do?” he asks and you flop onto his bed with a deep exhale.

“Let’s just lay here for a second.” you say pulling him down next to you. “I just wanna remember everything that I missed while I was gone.” 

Seonghwa settles beside you and you can’t help your racing heart as he inches closer to you. As you lay next to one another looking up at the ceiling, your breathing relaxes and you revel in the feeling of just being so comfortable and at so at home. 

“You don’t know how much I missed this,” Seonghwa whispers next to you. “even though we haven’t seen each other in years and we don’t talk as much anymore, when I’m with you it’s like we never even left each other. Like we just pick up right where we left off. You’re the one person who’s always brought me comfort and I never feel like we have to force things with each other, no matter how much we drifted.”

You feel heat rise to your cheeks and suddenly the room feels so much warmer. Your heart beats fast and you realize how much of an effect Seonghwa still has on you after all these years.

“I think about you everyday, you know that?” you confess, turning your head to look at him. “Every time I’m out somewhere there will always be little things that remind me of you. And I think about all the places in the city I would take you, and the places I know you would love. I think about all the things you would tell me when I was feeling down, and how you would react to certain situations as if you were right there beside me the whole time. I miss you all the time.”

You both stare at one another and your eyes flicker back and forth to his lips and when you look into his own eyes you notice him doing the same. After a moment of just staring into each other’s eyes, unsure of what to do next, Seonghwa pulls you towards his face and kisses you, and the feeling absolutely overwhelms you in all the good ways.

It’s far from soft and sweet, instead heavy and messy, and so intense that your chest burns with desire. You don’t dare pull away from him even when you needed to catch your breath, because the feeling of his lips on yours after all these years intoxicates you and has you yearning for more. He’s pulling you closer to him and you feel like your body is on fire. 

Seonghwa rolls on top of you and your bodies mould perfectly with one another, as if you were both the two missing pieces of a puzzle. You can’t exactly describe the feeling but it’s overwhelming and very reminiscent and brings you back to all the times with Seonghwa that brought you so much happiness years ago. It’s a feeling you didn’t know if you would ever feel again and you missed it more than anything.

The ache between your legs becomes overwhelming and before you know it you’re begging him to touch you, and without any hesitation he does. Your bodies press tightly against each other and your desperate need for him only grows the moment he grinds down on you. 

The next thing you know, you’re both unclothed and fully exposed to one another, and you see each other in your most vulnerable states for the first time in years. When he finally pushes himself inside you the pleasure is significantly magnified as the fire inside you only intensifies at the feeling of him.

It happens quick at first but Seonghwa decides he wants to take his time with you. Like you, he didn’t know if he would ever feel you in this way again and he was going to use every second with you that he could.

You don’t know how much time has passed but by the end, you both are exhausted and sore, and panting heavily next to each other. It’s dark outside and the room is warm and even though you’re both sweaty and gross, you haven’t felt this good in a long, long time. 

“Was that okay?” Seonghwa asks, pulling your naked body into his arms.

“Yeah,” you say with a small smile. “It was perfect.”

So you lay in each other’s embrace for a while and your heart feels warm and fuzzy, bringing you an endless amount of comfort. You feel content at this very moment, and your worries are pushed to the back of your mind as you fall asleep soundly together.

It’s only at 2 o’clock in the morning do you wake up in a haze and through your fatigued confusion does your brain recall the events that took place a few hours ago. Unable to make out your surroundings in the darkness, your eyes widen not knowing if what happened earlier really happened. When you attempt to sit up you feel a pair of arms wrapped securely around your waist and your body relaxes. Soft snores escape Seonghwa’s lips and you snuggle closer to his body to feel his warmth.

It dawns on you that you still are very much in love with Seonghwa, and of course deep down you knew that you always would be. You also knew given the chance (like now) your feelings would resurface because well... they never really left in the first place.

The unknowingness of this outcome has you shifting in your spot and anxiety creeps in as you think of leaving him all over again. Because after tonight, you don’t know if you can bear the thought of parting ways with him and returning to your life abroad where you can’t tell him exactly how you feel.

You don’t realize right away that Seonghwa has woken up next to you and he only does so because of your constant shifting. It’s when he delivers a gentle squeeze to your waist do you finally take notice.

“Are you okay?” his voice his deep and tired and the sound is enough to make your heart beat fast.

“Yeah.” you reply unconvincingly, but Seonghwa has known you all his life and was also the one to date you for five whole years. He knew you better than you probably knew yourself so in an instant he could tell there was something bothering you.

“What’s on your mind?” he asks.

Your back is leaning against his chest, and you can feel his soft breathing on your neck, and instinctively he starts to rub small circles on your arm knowing that was the one thing that could calm you down.

“It’s stupid.” you say, your voice is quiet and laced with a hint of embarrassment.

“Do you regret what we did?” Seonghwa asks and you’re quick to shut down his claim.

“No! No, of course not.” you return. “It’s not that.”

“Then what is it?” 

You exhale, letting out a heavy sigh. “Seonghwa I still love you.” it’s almost inaudible to him but he knows he heard you correctly. 

He lets out a soft sigh and a smile smiles forms on his face.

“I still love you too, baby.” and when you hear him call you by the name you loved so much, you feel like you’re going to melt in his arms. “I always would remember?”

Your eyes start to water because it’s been so long since you’ve been able to say that to him, and to hear him say those same exact words back to you has a weight lifting right off your shoulders that you didn’t even know was there.

“Why’s that upsetting you?” he questions and you feel him press soft kisses to your shoulder.

“I don’t want to leave you all over again.” you admit. 

He sighs next you and attempts to pull you even closer, if that were possible.

“Well we’ll spend the rest of the time we have together and enjoy every second of it. And after graduation we’ll come back home and we’ll pick up right where we left off like we always do.” Seonghwa tries to reassure you and you shake your head, sniffling.

“That’s not what I mean...” you say. “I mean that I don’t want to go back and not be with you. I don’t want to wait out till graduation and know that we aren’t together because I don’t think I can. Not after tonight.”

It clicks in Seonghwa’s brain and he knows exactly what you mean, and so he decides now’s the time to ask you what he’s been wishing to ask you for so many years. He knows he wasn’t supposed to wait for you, but he always knew he would.

“You don’t have to then.” he states.

“I don’t?”

“Do you want to get back together?” he asks and your heart almost stops. “I mean we only broke up ‘cause of the distance right? And we both fulfilled our promises to each other that we would experience a different life and learn what it was like to not be together. We’re in our last year of uni, we’d only have to be apart for a few more months and then we’ll both be back home in no time, permanently. We would never have to be apart again.” he reasons with you.

And it did make complete sense. He was right in every way, so in truth, there really wasn’t anything stopping you from being together again. You don’t have to think much about it because the decision was already made deep down. You knew you wouldn’t hesitate to be with Seonghwa again if you had the chance, and now was that chance.

You turn to face him and even though you two can’t see each other, there’s a small smile painted on both your faces and you lean in to press a kiss to his lips. 

“Okay, let’s get back together.”

So at twenty-one years old, you and Seonghwa officially reconcile, and spend the next two weeks together like you planned, catching up on everything you did while you two were apart.

And just like he said, it was like you two never left each other.

And now, at twenty-two years old, Seonghwa pops the question.

And you finally marry him.

"Family, friends, and all loved ones. We are gathered here today to celebrate the union of Y/n and Seonghwa. We stand here to support this couple and share the joys of their love and commitment as they solidify this partnership, choosing to spend the rest of their lives together.” 

“Through this marriage you make a lifelong promise to one another to always love, respect, trust and honor each other through anything, and everything. You promise to stay committed, and loyal, and most importantly, share your dreams, your happiness, and your sorrows with each other.” 

“From today, and this moment on, you will forever be united as one.”

You stare at Seonghwa and your heart beats hard against your chest as you stand in front of him watching his eyes light up and his smile grow by the second. You feel like you’re in a dream and everything around you feels so surreal.

Your eyes scan the alter and you see your mother beside Mrs. Park, both of them clinging onto each other as tears of happiness running down their cheeks. Their smile is wide and filled with so much love and you knew this day was something the two have been waiting for, for as long as they could remember. 

You see Mingi, and Yunho, and Hongjoong, and Jennie, your best friends who witnessed every progression of your relationship with Seonghwa from the moment you two met. They’re all grinning from ear to ear and you can’t help but laugh as they silently cheer you on from the pews.

You see your dad, and Seonghwa’s dad, and both of your grandparents, and the entirety of yours and Seonghwa’s family joined together as they smile brightly at the two of you.

And then your eyes meet with Rosé and Juyeon as they mouth a “you got this!” to you and Seonghwa, delivering a thumbs up in your direction, and your heart kind of warms because even after splitting up, the friendship between you four remained and it was evident through their support on this special day.

When your eyes lock with your soon-to-be-husband his lips quirk up into a warm smile as you mouth out an “i love you.”

“Now Y/n, Seonghwa, please join hands” the officiant states.

"Do you, Park Seonghwa take Y/N Y/L/N to be your wife?” 

“I do.” he states softly, eyes gazing into yours.

"And Y/N Y/L/N, do you take Park Seonghwa to be your husband?”

“I do.” you respond beaming.

"Seonghwa, please repeat after me.” the officiant says. “I, Park Seonghwa, take thee, Y/N Y/L/N, to be my lawfully wedded wife.” 

“I Park Seonghwa, take thee, Y/n Y/l/n, to be my lawfully wife...” he repeats.

"...To have and to hold from this day forward...”

“...For better for worse...”

 “For richer for poorer...”

“...In sickness and in health...”

“...To love and to cherish...”

“...And to honour you all the days of my life...”

“Till death do us apart.” Seonghwa finishes and your eyes start to water.

“Now, Y/n, please repeat after me.” the officiant calls on you. “I, Y/N Y/LN, take thee, Park Seonghwa, to be my lawfully wedded husband.”

You exhale before repeating his words. ““I, Y/N Y/LN, take thee, Park Seonghwa, to be my lawfully wedded husband.”

"...To have and to hold from this day forward...”

“...For better for worse...”

“For richer for poorer...”

“...In sickness and in health...”

“...To love and to cherish...”

“...And to honour you all the days of my life...”

“Till death do us apart.”

As Jennie walks over to hand over the rings she smiles brightly at you, as the crowd watches you and Seonghwa each place the new band on your fingers, signifying the start of your lifelong commitment to one another. 

“Well! By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you husband and wife!” the officiant shouts with a smile. “You may now kiss the bride!”

And without a second wasted Seonghwa pulls you in kissing you like he’s never kissed you before and the loud shouts and cheers in the background fills your ears as everyone hollers around you. And when you pull away you can’t seem to wipe the smile off your face as Seonghwa carries you out of the alter.

“Here’s to our new life together, Mrs. Park.” Seonghwa says with a grin as you kiss him once more.

“I love you so much.” you say.

“And I love you even more.” he returns.

So at twenty-two years old you know that you’re never going to stop loving Seonghwa, and that love was made permanent by the unity of your marriage. From the moment you declared him as your boyfriend at the age of six, to the years you spent learning everything together as a couple, growing apart and reuniting, you know that this was a rare kind of love to find, and one that had to mature and progress over a long period of time. 

And so you remember the words you said to him all those years ago the night you parted ways, “if somehow we find our way back to one another, then just know everything we did up to that point was worth it.”

Which stayed true four and a half years later, and for the rest of your life thereafter.

LA FIN.

[babybirdgyeom]

got7 as friends with benefits

– basically friends with benefits becoming real lovers – this is longer than i intented it to be oops – just a lil something to overcome my writers block

𝑀𝒶𝓇𝓀 𝒯𝓊𝒶𝓃 

– literally more friends than benefits – y’all always lowkey had a thing for each other – took you two years to finally make out though – but from then on y’all never stopped again – mark was like ‘oh only until we find smth serious’ – but you just both stopped looking for smth serious at all – oops – you saw absolutely no downside to this – good sex with someone you’re totally attracted to and can talk to about everyhing? amazing – so now it’s been like 12 months since this thing started – all different kinds of sex – sometimes it would be giggly as fuck, laughter and fun included – sometimes y’all would have sex while casually talking about everything – sometimes you just had sex to cheer the other one up on a bad day – basically always looking for any reason to have sex – you both are very confused how good this works out? – you’re pretty much like a couple but both of you are lowkey too dense to admit it – all of got7 knew about y’all, you didn’t even try to make a secret out of it – other fwbs only meet to fuck but not you and mark – he constantly comes over and stays forever, would never just leave after sex – right beside you when you wake up with no intention to leave until he absolutely has to – “mark??? do you think we act too much like a couple??” – he thought about your question for a second before lying down beside you – “naaaahhh” he said laughing before giving you a kiss “we fine” – you had no idea how y’all should continue because you definitely weren’t breaking this up – but you also knew this couldn’t go on like this forever even though you’d love that – so one morning you decided to adress this situation – he was so cute besides you with his morning hair you saw an angel – when you started to talk about “how to continue” he immediately started to panic – “do you want to end this?????” – you chuckled a bit – so he also didn’t want it to end – you assured him that ending this thing between you was the last thing you wanted – but also told him that you might start to look around again and meet other ppl – not bc u grew tired of him but bc u had to look out for the future – y’all were getting old and shit – mark didn’t like this thought at all – lowkey too shy to admit that though – “but we’re having fun, why should we stop” – softest baby you could swear he was pouting – for the first time ever he stopped and was like – hmmmm why aren’t we dating in the first place – never before thought about the idea of actually dating you – because what difference would it make y’all act like a couple – but suddenly he realized that it definitely would make a difference – 100% has no idea how to deal with this sudden change of things – after some time he tries to confess – highkey fails tho – “you know i love to have sex with you” – “i think we should have more than sex” – “what i’m trying to say is------------uuuuuuhm....” – stops and just starts kissing you – but more passionately and full of love – he smiled into the kiss which made ur heart beat 10x faster – you decided to help him out a bit – “i like you too mark”

𝐼𝓂 𝒥𝒶𝑒𝒷𝓊𝓂

– when the thing between the two of you started jaebum was sooo sure he’d be fine with it – you’ve been close to him since high school, always in the same group of people – somehow though you always were friends but nothing more – maybe bc y’all were too busy with other people mostly – but you definitely became good friends in the last few years – when he was suggesting this whole idea to you you were like – jb why u tryna ruin our friendship like that – but he assured you that sex couldn’t ruin your friendship – it would just be the cherry on top – now he’s not too sure about it anymore – he loves the sex for sure and wouldn’t want to miss it for anything – but this boy started to get a bit frustrated and insecure about the blurred lines between you and him – highkey has a crush on you and hates it – tries to hide it as good as possible – you were 100% sure jaebum was the best lover you could have – but also... damn he’s cute? and lovely? and so funny? – when he smiles your heart goes whoosh – but you always tried to ignore those thoughts – because how cliche would it be to fall in love with your fwb – you told yourself on a daily that it’s just his dick game that makes you think stuff like this – y’all said that you wouldn’t just sleep with other ppl unless you met someone you actually could see a future with it – “if we horny we can just call each other” – one time you were drunk on a night out with got7 – and jaebum may have slipped a lil drunk i love you – and you knew he was drunk and didn’t mean it – so you both laughed it off but since that moment everything changed – feelings were involved and you both knew you had to face them sooner or later – but tbh he tried to do it as late as possible – so ofc jaebum was going home with you in secret like always – and your usually rough sex was different all of a sudden – jaebum could be sensual???? that was new to you – he apologized for being so soft afterwards hshshs – both of you were laughing and talking the whole night – you were almost certain that jaebum also thought this could be more than being friends – until he ghosted you for a week after this night – and you wanted to kill him, fucking idiot – but ofc as soon as he wrote you again you were like – yea no prob dude :) – bc sadly you had no reason to be mad at him – bc he wasn’t your boyfriend – and slowly you started to hate that he wasn’t – definitely made up for ghosting you for a week – “let me take you out to dinner i’m sorry” – tells you he had a few rough days – in reality he didn’t write you bc he thought it’s the easiest way to get over it – jokes on him he’s a fool in love and he realized it by now – has the hardest time with it – bc im jaebum???? in love??? that wasn’t normal – but you made him soft – also best ‘i’m sorry i missed you too’ sex ever – gets frustrated afterwards – bc he loves not only your boobs but also ur lil soft heart – goes down on you while confessing hshssh

𝒫𝒶𝓇𝓀 𝒥𝒾𝓃𝓎𝑜𝓊𝓃𝑔

– no one knew that you two were kind of a thing – jinyoung never really labeled it as “friends with benefits” to you – one thing just lead to another one day and suddenly you all were making out in his bed – which was fine to you, no complaints – but in the beginning you were completely confused, not knowing where y’all stand – was this a one time thing? – were you becoming fuck buddies?   – he actually likes you a lot you were a hundred percent sure – but damn you knew him long enough to know how complicated jinyoung is when it comes to feelings – constantly has to talk to you about this whole situation – “(y/n) i’m bad for you we shouldn’t do this anymore” – “i don’t want you to miss the opportunity to meet someone you could like (y/n)” –  you just rolled your eyes whenever he started this nonsense –  not because you were annoyed –  you just wish he wouldn’t think that much and just let things happen – “we’re fine”, you always tell him – it was cute that he wanted the best for you but... you wanted park jinyoung – you knew this since a long time – you also knew one day he’d man up and ask you out properly – he just needs his time and you were willing to give it to him – and secretly jinyoung was very aware of this too – he wouldn’t just start screwing someone who’s as close to him as you – he cherished you and was more than thankful that you two didn’t need words to communicate – both of you hated to be so careful whenever you went out with the boys – “we should just tell them” your drunk self thought this was a good idea – as you were in a small room, pinned against a wall, jy’s lips all over your chest – “and then what?”, he asked placing another kiss on top of your breasts before continuing, “yugyeom and bambam would never shut up.” –  you knew he was right – but it would make things so much easier – “jinyoung” you said softly finally making him look up from your breasts – “you know you love me”, your drunk self said teasing him – he laughed before giving you a soft and sensual kiss – still chuckling he went down your neck again – “i’m sorry, i’m busy here”, he said avoiding the topic – but his laughter was enough for you – it just made you sure one more time that you were right about him – if he wouldn’t like you he would’ve said it – so you had to be patient with jinyoung – which was fine considering the fact that you’d still get to sleep with him all the time – he never left in the morning before you were awake – that would be disrepectful towards you in his opinion – it kind of was his way to show you he cares – because you knew he’d usually always sneak out immediately after one night stands – if he couldn’t sleep in with you he’d wake you up shortly to say goodbye – there was always a goodbye kiss involved even though he hated how cheesy that is – he couldn’t help it with you – he was constantly afraid that someone else might snatch you away from him – it didn’t matter that he knew you liked him too – it sometimes killed him that he couldn’t just man up and finally ask you out properly – he loved this friends with benefit thing you two had going on – sex whenever someone of you felt like it – but no room for fights or stuff like that bc you weren’t dating – months after this little thing between the two of you started he decided that it was finally time – you put up with his bullshit for long enough he thought – even though he still was afraid of commitment he wanted to try for you – also he knew that this one colleague of yours was trying to take you out – he couldn’t let that happen – another thing was that he was afraid you’d lose your patience – so finally after all he took the next step one night after sex – he was still inside you, his breath still heavy as both of you tried to calm down – his lips were finding your neck as his arm was around your waist – “i think i’m ready”, he whispered in your ear – “anal?”, you joked, making him laugh out loud – “i actually thought about making you my girlfriend.” he said, still chuckling a bit – “jinyoung”, you said surprised, not thinking it would happen anytime soon – he gave you a kiss, smiling into it – “i love you (y/n)”

𝒥𝒶𝒸𝓀𝓈𝑜𝓃 𝒲𝒶𝓃𝑔

– jackson wang was making you go completely crazy – you swear you were going insane soon – it started out simple – you and jackson met up every now and then to frickle frackle – you remember thinking you won the lottery – like look at jackson he’s a whole meal – eternal beauty mixed with a body that knew how to move – and wow, he knew what he’s doing – but that was the problem: jackson was literally perfect – you both said that you were friends with benefits and nothing more – well apparently to jackson wang that meant coming to you with your favorite chocolates – sometimes he’d pick you up and you’d drive around the whole night talking and listening to music – he’d never leave without saying goodbye – always texts you after sex even if it’s just smth small – “last night was amazing” – “hope you have a good day, don’t let your boss annoy you” – “write me if you need anything” – that perfect motherfucker straight up made you fall for him – sounds perfect doesn’t it? – but jackson just wouldn’t ask you out properly – it was all fun in the beginning – like damn y’all even had the same kinks – “this is all i need” jackson once said before falling asleep beside you – those mixed signals left you wanting more and more – within weeks you knew you were in love with jackson – what you didn’‘t know is that he felt the exact same way – at first he thought the amazing sex was just messing with his mind – but the way you looked at him and him only made him realize that this was maybe more than friends who had sex every now and then – he told mark about the whole thing and mark immediately was like – a giggly child which made jackson feel all giggly too – and as they were sitting on the sofa all happy you walked into the room – mark immediately stood up and out of nowhere hugged you – “you’re so cute (y/n)” – “wtf mark” – before you could ask anything he was already gone – “what was that about?” you asked jackson while sitting down next to him – suddenly he did something he never did before – his hand was in your hair and he gave you a soft and slow kiss – of course he did that before but not with the other guys in the same house – “jackson what if the others come in?”, you asked in shock wondering what was going on – he shrugged and looked you in the eyes, a satisfied smile on his lip – “they going to find out sooner or later” – “find out about what exactly”, you asked him confused – was he planning to tell the guys about your fuck dates – not that you’d care but it didn’t seem like smth he’d do – he usually never talked about his feelings – he was someone who showed how he felt instead of talking about it – “about my feelings for you” – you choked on literal air – suddenly you were talking feelings – so you weren’t delusional the whole time – he actually liked you – good for you tbh since dating jackson literally is like hitting the jackpot

𝒞𝒽𝑜𝒾 𝒴𝑜𝓊𝓃𝑔𝒿𝒶𝑒

– tbh being fwb with youngjae the most unexpected thing ever – you two been friends since ages – he knows your whole family and you know his – both of you were like it’s probs not a good idea – but you did it anyway – you never were interested in him back then – until one day you looked at him and realized   – wow youngjae rlly isn’t a boy anymore – he is a man now – suddenly you caught yourself staring at him at every party – blushing whenever he looked at you for a bit too long – he used to be so shy and cute – well at least that’s what u thought until he was kissing you roughly, pinning you against the wall outside of your friend’s home – but youngjae had many different sides to him – sides you never knew about before getting involved with him sexually – a cutie that always takes care of you and your needs – just wants you to enjoy and relax during sex – but 10/10 still knows how to get what he wants from you – sometimes he wonders how tf he managed to become your fwb – not bc he doubted himself just bc – he lowkey always had a thing for you – he also knew it probably was a stupid idea to go into a friendship with benefits with feelings from the start – didn’t care though at least he could finally have you – you both agreed that you were in it for the fun – no jealousy, no drama, just good sex in addition to your friendship – he was in heaven bc he loved how easy going it was – definitely wasn’t making a big secret out of his feelings tho – your lil deal never said smth about no feelings involved – the cheekiest of them all – sends you a good morning text every single day – always surprises you – you know no one would believe you but king of sexting – one time he wrote you that he needs one of those long hugs that turns into sex – and u were like HUH? choi youngjae? – basically this turned into your first of many sexting sessions – at the beginning you were 100% sure you wouldn’t develop feelings – uhh well by now you definitely had to admit you fooled yourself – one time while having very good sex you may or may not have called him babe – which maybe didn’t sound like a big thing but you usually never used nicknames – so midsex he just stopped being confused hshsh – he smirked a bit though, not able to hide   – “i like that”, he said giving you a small kiss – so suddenly you and youngjae were calling each other honey and babe – not much later you were resting your head on his shoulder in front of the boys – secret handholding at movie nights, sneakily under the blanket – until someday you just started casually talking about future plans together – the lines were getting more and more blurry – “are we friends?”, you asked him one night before falling asleep – your head resting on his naked chest, his hand playing with your hair – “yes, forever and ever” – his voice was soft like honey, he didn’t even had to think of an answer – “but are we just that? just friends?” – he let out a sigh, his thumb slowly stroking your cheek – “i don’t think you can be ‘just friends’ with someone you’re in love with”

𝐵𝒶𝓂𝒷𝒶𝓂

– you and bambam were messy as fuck it was almost amusing – everyone knew about the two of you – you even joked about it in front of others – “yoooo (y/n) rdy to suck this dicc tonite?” – starts laughing and apologizing right after – when it all started you remember telling bambam ‘just this once’ – until you found him in your bed again the next day – oh and the day after that – and by now you and bambam were constantly over each other – things were going really chill most of the time – y’all had fun, spent loads of time together – sometimes naked, sometimes dressed – y’all acted like it was no big deal and you were just friends – but every now and then you find yourself staring at him – wondering if he always was this beautiful – sometimes he laughed and you had to force yourself to think about something else – the members all kind of just saw you as a couple which was also pretty dangerous – one time you were texting with a guy from home – and jackson saw and was like – “bambam!!!!! who’s he why is (y/n) writing with him” – and bambam was like trying to ignore but you could swear he disliked it – but you never knew what he really thought – like whenever y’all were drunk he’d just be like the biggest flirt – you remember one time when you were at a party and making out outside – and he kissed down your neck and just telling you he loves you – ‘you’re drunk, we’re friends’ – at least that’s what you tried to tell yourself – ‘oh are we? i don’t kiss yugyeom like that you know’ – but then y’all never talked about it again – texts you at the most random times – sometimes all horny like – ‘i am in front of your house and coming upstairs get undressed’ – other times just in the middle of the night like – ‘did you know that cats sleep 16hrs a day?? i’m jealous’ – ohh talking about jealousy – bambam’s biggest flaw – he hated how jealous he was like he knew it was a problem – especially considering the fact that...y’all are not a couple – you talked to him several times about it – mostly bc u liked to tease him – and he was so shy and cute about it you never saw him like that – “listen i know!!! it’s stupid” – basically he’s just so jealous because you are not his – and if you meet someone else he’ll lose this fwb relationship – hates to admit it but he actually likes the thing you two have going on – “it’s chill” – you hit him “chill? what a nice way to describe having sex with me” – he laughed and tried to change the topic – but you wouldn’t let him – “bambam, do you like me?” – he just rolls his eyes – “ofc i do why would i sleep with you” – “but do you like like me?”, you asked teasing, looking at him with big eyes – “i changed my mind i fucking hate you” – breaking news: he didn’t hate you – he liked you so much it was k i l l i n g him – one time he dreamed of you – nonsexual – it was just you and him looking at the stars and you confessed – ever since then it was all he could think of when he saw you – but ofc he always played it cool in front of you – remember that one time he told you he loved you when he was drunk – truth is he barely drank that night – he knew exactly what he was saying but he knew how drunk you were – secretely hoped you don’t remember – until one time you and him were watching a movie where a dude confessed to a girl all drunk – and you were like remember WHEN YOU DID THIS – and he was like “uuuhm nnnnO?” – so you told him every detail of that night bc u truly thought he forgot – as you were halfway through he stopped you – “(y/n) i know exactly what happened” – leaving u confused af – “why did you lie???” – “bc u didn’t say it back” you could swear he was pouting – suddenly you froze... did he mean it? like actually mean it? – you never even considered that he was serious – long story short that’s how your fuck buddy became your boyfriend

𝒦𝒾𝓂 𝒴𝓊𝑔𝓎𝑒𝑜𝓂

– both of you have absolutely no idea how this could have happened – you never planned to even have sex in the first place – but the way he danced got you and the way you smiled got him – you decided to get rid off the sexual tension before it became unbearable – jokes on you bc it just made you want to have more – so you two found yourselves in the same situation over and over again – enjoying a night together and having endless fun – once the two of you started you wouldn’t stop – like there were times when you were just up all night having sex – with cute breaks in between where your head was resting on his bare chest – his hand tangled in your hair – it always feels so right even though it seemed so wrong – you and yugyeom definitely were trapped in this situation – of course the easy solution would’ve been to just date each other – but neither one of you dared to say it out loud – you hated when he left the next morning – yugyeom also hated that he had to leave – both of you were always afraid that this could be the last time before everything ends – dramatic headasses tbh – but once his lips touched yours you couldn’t get enough – no one knew about your secret little thing – which turned out to become pretty hard – you always had to sneak away in private – bambam and jackson were constantly on the mission to get you a boyfriend which didn’t make it easier – yugyeom wouldn’t admit it but he hated it when they tried to set you up – not even bc he wanted you just bc they were being so noisy about it – at least that’s what he told himself over and over again – long story short you two were obviously into each other – and the amazing chemistry you had in bed made it even harder to act like you didn’t – two weeks after your first kiss with yugyeom you already feared that it’s gonna be over soon – one time in the middle of the night u just had to wake him up to talk – “yugi i rlly don’t want this to ruin our friendship” – he immediately took your face in his hands, giving you a big smooch on your forehead – “i’d never let anything or anyone ruin us...especially not myself” – you often wondered how one night you could just have sex for 6 hrs – and the next night you wouldn’t even kiss, just both in bed, talking, laughing, making memories – he was always so sweet to you – making you feel more loved than any of the guys you actually dated – waking up next to him in the morning could end in two ways – dick sucking or cuddle sessions – you were both with fine – kingggg of eating you out tbh he could do it for days – and as much as you enjoyed the sex – and also the affection – and just being with him – you slowly gave up on the thought that he’d actually like you or ask you out – it was hurting you a bit if you were honest – so one day you decided for the sake of your friendship and your heart you needed to end this – “no why would we end this?” – the horror on his face was real – “(y/n), don’t you like me anymore?” – it broke your heart – “i think i like you a bit too much” – he took your hand, making your heart flutter – “then why would you end this rather than take the next step?”

[cowboyjen68]

Anon Ask

Hey Jen

I feel like I know what to do in this situation, but can’t make myself do it. I’m trying not to be in love with my friend…I’ve tried ignoring her and put her out of my mind, and also I feel that I shouldn’t tell her how I feel bc she’ll want to end our friendship, even tho that seems healthier than me writing endless poems about her–gah!

She is someone I made friends with over the summer last year. We met when we were both at a protest, and immediately became close…We started seeing each other everyday or texting one another everyday for months…all centered around doing activism and being part of an activist coalition, so all of our conversations have been passionate and quickly intense, like a fast moving train.

Actually over the summer, we went to a weekend conference and were roomed together alone, and never slept we talked so much, and she and I admitted we wanted to be with women (even tho we’re both in long term commited relationships to men, ha!)

Once when someone asked us if we were a couple, she said we weren’t but proceeded to say that she’d marry me. That same night we were gettin tipsy and she wanted me to drink more, but i said i had to drive home so i couldn’t, so then she said I could sleep with her and she’d cuddle me…

Then last night on my bday when we were drinkin, she was telling me one of her best friends confessed his love to her and the only reason that spilled the beans was due to a bar fight ha! And she said that same night, a girl at the bar tried kissing her and she told her that she’s in a relationship…So when she told me about that, it cleared things up about her status, because I wasn’t sure if she was monogamous or poly.

She is in a long term commited relationship with a man, as am I (but I’m polyish i guess). She is one of these people that everybody falls in love with and I hate that I’m just like everyone else..great I’m Jenny from the L word.

I don’t want to ruin a friendship nor do I want to piss off her boyfriend cuz he’d probably fight me …sometimes i wonder if he sees how i look at her, but she has said that he likes me and wants to hang with me too, ha…weird.

ANSWER FROM CowboyJen68

I don’t have a ton of context for what is “long term” for you.. THE real question first is DO  YOU have passionate love and a deep felt committment to your boyfriend/husband? Is your polyish nature based on the TRUE need to love, deeply connect and care for, more than one person or is it based on the fact that you feel like something is missing and you want to be with a woman..or just not him anymore?

Once you delve into that then you can make decisions. If it were me.. but I am older and have come to realze that chances should not be passed up, I would ask her for coffee and go to a quiet place. I would point blank tell her my feelings with as much honesty as I could muster.

Her “I have a boyfriend “ excuse could mean that she is just not interested in the OTHERS>. Maybe she is poly but her sights are on you.. or maybe she is just as confused as you. Possibly she is “stuck” with this guy because it is all she has ever understood herself to be.  And you have awakened truths with in her.OR maybe she is just flirting for fun and will be able to tell you that so you can have permission to move on.

If the worst case scenerio happens and she walks away from the friendship, she was not worth hanging on to in the first place. You have lost nothing but something that was never yours anyway.  

The longer you ride this out the more damage you could be doing to an honest connection you two might share..(Friendship or otherwise) Remember... you can’t put thoughts or feelings in her head..let her be the one to tell you how she feels and don’t guess.

If you decide to move to something deeper.. please consider having the talks with your husbands/bf..they are human and do not deserve betrayal, unless they are dangerous.. then you need to get out no matter what you decide. IF either man says “no” to an open relationship you must respect that OR make the hard decision to move on. DO NOT give up your joy for ANYONE. IF staying cannot be fulfulling..don’t stay.

IF you all decide to move on this with permission, keep talking and communicatiing...”opening” a relationship does NOT make jealousy or anger go away. AND ALWAYS Be honest with yourself.. DO YOU REALLY love him or her and do you have the ability and energy to connect with two people?AND as you progess and you find things changing, you need to speak up.

I will answer this privately since your name is on it..but I will copy and paste to another blog without your blog name since I do think you are far from alone in this scenerio.

[sandshrewed]

reasons reese wants to die, volume 4 (like if u read please)

so... my ex best friend and her roommate almost destroyed my relationship in august (my boyfriend and i have since worked through the major kinks of this problem but i still have lots of insecurities about the ordeal, which sucks, but he has apologized and made amends to the best of his ability). the gist is this - the girls (i believe intentionally) invited me over and arranged things in such a way that i didn’t have an out in the situation, aka i had no cell service or wifi and they drove me rather than letting me take my own car. they got really touchy with me against my will, bargained me to cheat on my bf (which i didn’t), and threatened to rape me. so yeah. basically the only way i got out of the situation was to lie through my teeth & say my friend was having a crisis and i had to help her (which was partially true.)

but every time i see my best friends name or if she tags me in things (i always ignore them now, i haven’t talked to her since) it hurts me so much bc on one hand i miss her and on the other hand she aided in destroying my relationship which is all i had then and all i have now. and even though i know it was my bf’s fault for most of the pain i went through we’ve made our amends and we’re a lot better. but not perfect.

but my friend..... literally said..... she would rape me in my sleep if i spent the night with her...... :) i don’t have the guts to tell her i no longer associate with her, or to begin making amends. like i try to be a good person and resolve conflicts in all situations but i’m too scared to say hey you ruined everything and your roommate tried to have sex with me & exploited me sexually without my knowledge. like y’all are some kind of messed up thinking that’s chill.

like, that broke me. completely. to pieces. i’m a pretty strong person but that absolutely DESTROYED me. i’m ace & have never had a sexual encounter of COURSE i can’t pick up in sexual cues. and, best friend, YOU KNEW THAT AND USED IT AGAINST ME. HOW DARE YOU.

i saw your names and now i’m spiraling completely out of control. i’m not cynical, but i despise the prospect that you’re still living together and having a lasting friendship. i hate that you’ve built something wonderful for yourselves while consequently and absentmindedly shattering what i had with someone else.

i hate lying in bed at night wishing i was dead because i feel so empty and alone and broken. but here i am doing just that. because you know what? i’m too NICE to tell you it’s not okay to take advantage of another person’s ignorance or lack of sexual knowledge. you absolute PIGS.

in reality i am so much more forgiving than this, and i know i SHOULD be more forgiving than i am. and honestly i HAVE forgiven the acts themselves - it’s just a personal battle at this point to get over what happened, it’s dealing with insecurities and the pain i caused my bf (which wasn’t even my fault, but the blame was projected on me anyway (but we made up)). it’s coping with all of the aftermath of my broken relationship, when we had to start completely over because of this. trust was gone, even love was gone, but addiction made us love again.

we were so broken until i brought this up two months later, and we came to realize that he’d begun to take advantage of my sorrow and apologetic nature.

he didn’t believe until that moment, TWO MONTHS LATER, that i was truly ignorant. and honestly, who would, except for those taking advantage of my ignorance in the first place. yes, i should’ve known that being asked to “walk, i want to see if you walk like a virgin” was a come-on. i should’ve known that you getting on top of my body and kissing my cheek wasn’t just a “girl thing”. i should’ve known before you told me to spend the night with the promise of a lap dance and forced sexual intercourse that i was in trouble. but i just DIDNT.

furthermore i should have known that i didn’t owe anybody the first apology, yet that’s all i was able to spew for the first little bit. guilt and silence ate me alive. everything was my fault. *i* had destroyed trust for making rash and stupid decisions. *i* should have known this, *i* should have known that.

my bf, for two months, believed in his heart that i had cheated on him. and for those two months i knew with my head that i had, but thought that my heart was just too stubborn to admit it...

now it’s 1:33 in the morning and there’s no way i’ll be able to sleep tonight knowing that my bf admitted that he didn’t like me for two whole months. ive lost count of how many times we almost broke up over this situation - and although we’ve just about patched up, i’m still so fragile and insecure.

he should have trusted that i was ignorant. they shouldn’t have taken advantage of my ignorance. but i shouldn’t have been ignorant in the first place ...

with so many “should”s, it’s difficult to pinpoint where the true fault lies.

[tayegi]

This second chapter made me feel so much of everything, and I admire the OC for being so mature and put her anger aside. I feel sort of ashamed that it's not something I'd do hehe(seems like I need to grow more) I've never felt this way before but somehow your amazing writing makes me feel everything the OC feels! So thank your very much for sparing time to write all of this amazing stuff, even tho you're really busy. Really, thank you. I love you. ♥

Anonymous said:New rules isn't even about the boys for me anymore it's about this lowkey toxic friendship even if they've been friends for years that's the problem. OC couldn't talk to Mijoo about how she really felt not saying she should've told Mijoo to stay away from Jimin but let her know that it really hurt her feelings and Mijoo clearly didn't have a problem putting a boy over friendship. Even if it started with something small like this it could be the downfall to their friendship.

Anonymous said:I just wouldn't be able to trust Mijoo and that kinda ruins the whole friendship right then and there. It's I would think if she was so quick to ruin something for me for her over a guy what else will she do to put herself before me. I know friendships are important most of the time and the reader and Jimin were never together but I just wouldn't be able to associate with her. This is only what the reader is finding out now what else could Mijoo be hiding and I know it might not be that deep pt1

mirajoey said:Fml. I just hate how sweet demure pretty girls who are actual snake. And people keep misunderstanding 'ice queen but true' type of girls. Why do women need to be attractive (pretty) but superficial af to please men? My ex-crush is in relationship with my bestfriend tho😂 she and my other girl keep mocking me for being the only single ass in the group. Idk if they are intentional or not. I'm about to say fuck off bitch whenever they do that. But i'm a softie for friends. So yeah, am i weak?

Anonymous said:i feel like all this hate towards mijoo and the desire to hurt her is exactly how the oc initially reacted, and everyone who had sent in asks about physically hurting her is an instantaneous reaction, but will not actually do so. its kind of like being so angry during an argument with someone that you say things you dont mean. don't take it at heart. im one of the anons who sent in something about hurting her, and i would not in any way physically harm a person. much less a best friend.

Anonymous said:NR 2, Great writing as always. But I wouldnt have been as forgiving, maybe after a day or 2 we could talk things through with her after that. I get why some friendships crumble because of that. Its not because of the guy but because of the betrayal. It would hurt so much more from a friend you trust and have been open with all this. It just means they didnt choose to trust you with the truth and she didnt even admit it after all this time.

Anonymous said:wow that Mijoo... I have two thoughts: 1. "I hate snakeu" and 2. Haven't she heard the phrase, fries before guys? btw I would cut all connections with a "friend" like that. But you are wonderful Lu and never fail to amaze us♡ Thank you for sharing such quality contents so often~ Have a nice day!

Anonymous said:oH MY GOD! New rules 2 had me screeching. Bruh you make me so sad but i love it. Im in emotional turmoil for OC. Im. I just dont know man. Her friends are such asses.

Anonymous said:Ahh new rules hit me so hard, i actually cried! I relate so much to the oc and my own best friend of over 10 years pulled that shit on me and I was so, so hurt that I didn't even cared about the guy anymore but her betrayal really hit me....ahhh anyway that's such a emotional ride!!!! I love your writing 💕

Anonymous said:new rules makes me really sad of how friendships are always regarded as smth less than relationships. and the worst part is people around me would literally question me abt why im so against relationships when im not? i just feel like relationships and friendships are different but equally important.. it's so upsetting to know that friends that you treasure dont treasure you in the same way just because u r not their partner.

Anonymous said:Forgive me if I'm reading way too much into this, but I think the reason Mijo's betrayal brought so many strong emotions in a lot of readers is because most women "dread" something like that happening.. No one wants the "girls hate other girls/pick guys over friendships" stereotype to be true because it IS an awful stereotype, so when it happens (cause some people are awful and some of those people are girls) it's really heartbreaking.. 1/?

Anonymous said:the act alone is terrible but add to it that this proved the stereotype for some people and it can really sting!!I think that's the reason why "Mean Girls" is so popular! It satirizes that feeling and makes it funny/tolerable! The OC is acting in a mature way but given that she's a feminist it can also be that she doesn't want to prove that stereotype and wants to act above it! 2/?

Anonymous said:It's very understandable BUT no one would expect boys/men to be friends after something like that because it WAS hurtful and selfish and awful and Mijoo shouldn't get a pass just because she's a girl and OC wants to prove a point! Remove jimin from the equation and add a job promotion with Mijoo being sneaky and getting it instead of OC for reasons SHE instigated and it should be clear why OC needs to be angry! 3/4

Anonymous said:They should at least argue about it with a line in the sand drawn if it happens again! *not saying you should do that of course, the story is a stroy and should have this kind of layers/complex feelings, I'm talking in a real life scenario I guess* sorry to dump all this on you but it brought so many feelings and I had to write them down!! What do you think? A stretch? 4/4

Anonymous said:There would have been at minimum a month of radio silence from me if I were OC and one of my girl friends pulled a stunt like M.

Anonymous said:To be honest, I feel like maybe how the MC handled Mijoo maybe wasn't the mature thing to do? I guess in the past I always felt like being mature was keeping friends no matter what they pulled, but lately I feel like cutting off toxic friends actually is sometimes the best way to handle things? Like not causing a scene, or anything. It's just that I've come to value trust and respect in my relationships, and after part two I feel like I personally cannot trust or respect her. Just some thoughts!

Anonymous said:how is the OC so patient and... nice ?!!1!1!1 if i were her i’d be a salty ass bitch at mijoo like heck you just stole my crush away from me just because YOU like him. kdndksjsoana i feel aNgEr

Anonymous said:i hope karma fucks mijoo in the ass. i hate everything and i hope jungkook gets his ass whooped too so he can actually act like a human being for once. thanks for writing new rules

Anonymous said:As much as the OC is remarkable for her self sacrifice I feel Jimin had the right to know what happened and Mijoo really needs to know that what she did was not okay. Sure OC didn’t do the wrong thing by throwing a tantrum and ruining Mijoo’s life but I just felt like honest communication is necessary. This brings me to the point that I like how you write realistic stories because in life decisions aren’t so black and white.

Anonymous said:Yes I totally get you Lu. And in all honesty, I wouldn't have forgiven her. I wouldn't have caused that much or big of a scene, but I would have definitely ended my 'friendship' right then and there. It irritated me though that OC even went up to her and touched her asdsfhk. I would have went to sleep. I once had a friend who did the same shit twice. She dated the boys I liked, knowing about my feelings for each of them and then acted innocent. It felt like reading about me. - Reasoning Anon

Anonymous said:And the worst part is that I felt exactly the same way OC did. I just can't be mean to people. No matter how much I despise them. No matter how much they hurt or angered me. Because then I feel so evil, so I let it happen. Then I leash out on other people who never did (Jungkook). I just let them hurt me. And then I feel guilty about having mean thoughts about them. And when OC thought and felt like the asshole, the monster ... man. I already hate this story, go away 😩 - Reasoning Anon

Anonymous said:the oc in new rules is like waaay too kind to her "best friend", why would a "best friend" sabotage a girl's chance to get with a guy who genuinely likes her i still don't understand. it doesn't matter if the "best friend" likes the guy, i am betting the oc is some martyr to be that sacrificial. i would drop my "best friend" if she tried that on me

Anonymous said:LIVID. I'm so angry that Mijoo never gave OC Jimin's confession note, then had the nerve to involve OC as she was stressing over him. I'm frustrated that OC puts Mijoo on a pedestal just bc she's pretty, & seems to see Mijoo as more deserving of happiness than herself. Mijoo is a snake & deserves to be exposed bc she did both Jimin and OC dirty by not giving her his note. She deprived them both of what they wanted, & any relationship she now has w Jimin is tainted by what she did to him a yr ago

Anonymous said:I can only hope that Jimin wakes up and realizes what a snake Mijoo is. With a girl like her, I doubt their relationship can work out (or at least that's what I hope).

Anonymous said:mijoo gotta go

Anonymous said:I'm in love with new rules omg if I found out my best friend hid something like that from me I would be livid I don't know how she kept her cool. Can't wait for the next part! 💖💖💖

Anonymous said:Omg her friend is a snake and she's too forgiving 🤧😫😩 I just want to grab OC's shoulders and shake some sense into her, she's allowed to be angry at her friend, she's deserves to be happy too. I'm excited to see how the rest of this story is gonna develop, I really love all your writing. You have such a way with words that makes me feel like I watching a movie rather than just reading a story. 👌❤️👌

bangtanboys-hoe said:This may be the bitch in me talking but I would've made her feel like shit. I would move out, block her number, and tell Jimin everything. I would've made her life a living hell hole. But this is just a story and I'm too nice of a person to do that.

Anonymous said:okay first how's your day, how you're doing. And second MIJOO IS SUCH A BITCH NO FUCK FHAT. WHAT HAPPENED TO LOYALTY, OC GAVE UP HER LIVE AND MIJOO DECIDED TO TAKE IT DOE SELF. FUCK JIMIN (I love you jimin) BUT BOTH OF THEM FUCK UP THEIR FRIENDSHIP. I couldn't even enjoy the smut I'm so mad. Plus GOOD JOB ON THE NEW CHAPTER! It's really good! Hope you have a good day :)

Anonymous said:Fuck mijoo AHHSGAHHDH WHY WHY WHY

omg im very overwhelmed by the incredible response to ch 2 of new rules and i feel so bad but i srsly cant answer all of your messages. But the intense reactions this fic inspired is so shocking yet understandable. I just hope you all aren’t too upset and that you can have an open mind for the next chapter ^^

[chipsandwaffles]

Crybaby

You couldn’t be hung up on Mark forever. You had to move on.

Anon said: can i request a mark angst? 😢😅 the reader liked mark for 3-4 years, and she tried to confess but then got rejected bc he's dating someone? then when mark found out his true feelings for the reader few months he found out that she's dating someone? heheeheheh im such a trash for angst bc its angst and i luv angst

i’m not at all satisfied with this but the more i look at it the more i don’t like it so. here it is. enjoy i suppose.

“I’m sorry, I… like someone else, Y/N.”

You shouldn’t be crying. You should not be crying because having a dumb crush on some dumb Mark Lee didn’t matter. It wasn’t going to matter in a few months, or a few years. He was just some guy in your class that wasn’t going to matter.

Just like him kissing another girl wasn’t going to matter. You knew about this. You knew he was dating someone else. It shouldn’t matter, it shouldn’t, and you shouldn’t be crying, because it wasn’t worth it.

But you couldn’t help it. You’d been in love with Mark for almost four years, you thought he liked you back what with the flirting and him depending on you before anyone else, even before Haechan. All his friends and your friends had told you to go for it, because you two were a perfect match. It was a perfect match.

And yet, here you were sitting behind one of the school buildings, crying your eyes out. You try wiping at your eyes, wanting the tears to stop, but they don’t. Your heart is broken and you won’t stop crying and no amount of wiping the tears away is going to stop that.

You just want to know where you went wrong in this whole Mark business. Should you have confessed sooner? Would he have dated you then? Or, maybe you shouldn’t have listened to your friends at all? Then what? Would that have been better than saying something? You and Mark could continue at least being friends instead of awkward classmates.

You sniffle, wiping at your nose. Maybe you should’ve done that. You shouldn’t have said anything in the first place.

It would’ve been better if you hadn’t.

“Hey, crybaby, what are you crying about now?” You look up at the voice talking to you to see Jeno, grinning down at you with his cute face and his pretty eye smile. You want to tell him to go away, but, instead you grab at his pant leg, whining. If you needed anyone at this point, it was your best friend.

“He likes someone else, Jeno!” You cry at him. He looks surprised for a minute, his face trying to piece together what you mean before he’s getting on his knees and pulling you into his arms.

“It’s okay, Y/N. Mark is- he’s lame, okay? You don’t want to date him anyways.”

“I keep telling myself that but it still doesn’t hurt any less…” You cry into Jeno’s chest, glad he’s allowing you to get his school shirt wet with tears.

He was a true best friend.

“Y/N, come on… Stop crying. It’s just… Mark. There are other guys out there,” Jeno says, rubbing his hand up and down your back in soothing patterns. You sniffle into his chest three times, whining a little more.

“But there’s only one Mark,” you cry.

“Ugh- ugh!” Jeno pulls away and puts his hands on your face, squishing your cheeks. “I’ll set you up with someone, okay? Someone even better than Mark!”

“Better than Mark?” You ask. Jeno laughs, probably at the way your face looked. No doubt it was not pretty.

“Better than Mark.”

-

Two days later and you’re going on a date with Jeno’s other best friend, Jaemin, who is probably the cutest guy you’ve ever seen. He had a bright smile and kept calling you cute at every moment he could, holding your hand as you walked around the zoo together, and you couldn’t stop smiling at him. His laugh was infectious and for the entire day, you didn’t even think about Mark.

Even at the end of the date, when he dropped you back at your house and he kissed your cheek. It was so cute the way he blushed and ran off, telling you to have a good night.

He wasn’t Mark, but it didn’t even matter because at this rate, you were bound to get over him if Jaemin was going to stick around.

-

Within month three of your relationship with Jaemin, you hear that Mark and his girlfriend broke up.

To you, it was whatever. You were happily dating Jaemin, and even though you had sympathy for Mark’s break up, it wasn’t some great thing you wanted to hear. You were over Mark, totally moved on from him to Jaemin.

Because Jaemin was sweet and cute and liked you and had a smile that never failed to make you smile and even though he stole your food during lunch, you didn’t even care. He was the best.

But, not even a day later is Mark pulling you aside after school, dragging you away to one of the quiet corridors so he can tell you something.

You haven’t really talked since you confessed, leaving conversations to quick questions and short answers. Your friendship hadn’t been what it used to be, and now here Mark was, asking for you because he wanted to talk.

You were all for mending your relationship.

But, Mark wasn’t.

“I was stupid before, Y/N. Really stupid. And, I think I just didn’t want to ruin our friendship so when she asked me out, I said yes because I thought it’d be a quick way to stop you from liking me.

“But, really, I was dumb. I should’ve just figured out my feelings for you and then told you I liked you. Which, I’m doing now. I probably look so dumb right now.” Mark laughs and rubs the back of his head sheepishly. You stare at him, shocked and in disbelief.

He didn’t want to ruin your relationship? He basically panicked just because he wasn’t sure of his feelings for you yet?

You aren’t exactly sure what to say. You didn’t like Mark anymore. And, even if you did, you were with Jaemin.

Mark did look dumb right now. He was admitting his feelings way too late. You had already moved on.

“Mark, I-I’m sorry… I don’t like you… anymore,” you say. Mark frowns at you. It breaks your heart, not seeing him smile. “I like Jaemin. I’m with Jaemin and I’m happy with him… I’m sorry.”

Mark opens his mouth, wanting to say something, but shakes his head. He takes a step back from you and puts a fake smile on his face. “Right. Jaemin.”

“I’m sorry you just- you said something way too… late.”

Mark nods his head in agreement and takes another step back. “Yeah. I was too late.”

You reach for Mark’s hand, not wanting him to leave like this. Even if you had practically stopped being friends, you could go back and work on your friendship. He didn’t have to act the same way you did when you found out he liked someone else.

“We can still be friends, Mark. That’s still good. It’s better than nothing.” Mark looks down at your hands and squeezes it. You know he’s sad about it, but that’s all you could offer.

“Friends then,” Mark says.

“Friends then.”

[liprps-blog]

i dont know why im bothering to make this post other than hoping two things will come from it. 1) that ill start to feel better about the situation and 2) that the people it’s about will creep my blog and eventually see it. under the read more for feelings

so, for one, im not going to lie about my actions. yes, i messaged erika and told her i know shes her. i absolutely did. should i have? probably not. did i anyway? you’re damn right. and you know why? i did it because i cared about the game i was in. i cared. had i not cared, i would have just been like “lol fuck this” and left when i realized and nothing was done. let me just repeat for the hundredth time that she shut uproar down and did so through her role as a gossip mod. i was trying to protect the game and my friends, i wasn’t doing it to be a bully or harass her. i just wanted her to know that i know. after i sent the message i logged back out because i wasnt trying to fight or harass her. i just needed her to know someone knew and was watching her. let me reiterate that, while im not saying it was completely her fault bc im the one in control of my own feelings and i understand that, she played a huge role in me almost killing myself and had it not been for a call from my grandmother, i would have. i would be dead right now. i would have died in 2013 if my grandma hadn’t called me that morning. i dont feel bad for sending her the message. i will never allow myself to feel bad for doing what i thought was right and i still think i was right in trying to protect that game and my friends who modded it. i know they dont agree and that’s fine but what i did was a gesture of love, no matter how ugly it was. sometimes to protect the people you love you have to be ugly to the ones you don’t.

on the flip side of that, its been said i was a bully and making people uncomfortable. with the exception of erika (bc as i said, i will never ever feel bad for exposing her), i do want to sincerely apologize to anyone who i made feel that way. it’s never been said of me before in my life so im not sure who felt that way or why but if it was anyone besides her, then from the bottom of my heart; i am so sorry. i wish something had been said to me so that i could have known and stopped doing whatever it was i was doing. the last thing i want is to make someone feel those things. im not making excuses here, nor am i justifying myself to make myself look better but the god’s honest truth is that im not always the best with understanding how someone else feels unless im directly told. so again, im sorry. and i want anyone reading this to know that had i been told that i was making people feel that way, i would have done everything in my power to correct it. but if im not told an issue exists and i think everything is fine, how am i ever supposed to fix it let alone know about it?

now that ive covered how others felt and done my fair share of apologizing for my actions, i want to cover my own feelings. 

i dont know how either of you can say what you did to me wasn’t bullying me out. i dont understand how you can think me going from zero warnings, and neither of you telling me the accusations against me to being kicked out because i stepped down as a mod is not bullying me out. maybe bullying isn’t really the right word but that’s how it felt. it felt like i was targeted and it was purely retaliation for me saying i wouldn’t mod anymore because no action was ever taken. i know it was because b literally came back with “you said we never take action so we took action” so you literally kicked me out because i stepped down. that’s what it boils down to. you kicked me out because i sent that message to mod teo and i stepped down but i dont think that the time you even knew the message had been sent. maybe you did. that’s still bullshit when other writers should have been gone a long long time ago and are still there, forcing plots on people and making them feel uncomfortable purely because they want a certain plot, purely because you’re afraid of backlash from roleplayers everyone hates and wants gone anyway. even if i had been put on like a final warning i would have accepted it and not caused a fuss bc for the erika thing, i probably deserved it. no matter what you say or do to justify yourselves, you both know you did me wrong. you don’t ever have to admit it and its fine if you don’t but between the three of us, we all know what you really did to me and how shitty it was after how close we had all become. i truly thought our friendship would be good, i thought we would all continue to be best pals and without the stress of the game, we wouldn’t be torn apart. but, i was wrong. that stupid game tore us apart. and it was just a game. its not even real. our friendship was real. it still hurts and i miss you both. it will pass. it always does. but i miss you.

and now i want to move on to your feelings. like i said before i dont know who i made uncomfortable or what i did to make them feel that way, but if it was ever either of you, im sorry. ive looked back and realized how much i hate erika and how insistent i was she is there and gossip modding and going to ruin blush may have made you guys feel negative things. im sorry for that. i didn’t want to upset either of you. i really didn’t. i could have gone about things in a better way even though tact isn’t always my strong suit. i still realize the situation could have been handled better and i shouldn’t have let my own feelings cloud my regard for yours. i know this is past repairing, and im not trying to make amends and us be friends again but i do want you to know that im sorry it ended this way and im sorry for any negative things you experienced that were my fault. i loved you both dearly and considering i dont want to make anyone feel bad ever, i especially didn’t want that for two of who i considered to be my closest friends. i hope for your sake you’re able to let go of whatever resentment you have for me and not carry that anger with you.

thats it. thats all i have to say and i really hope that writing this down and putting it out there for you to see helps me let go of the situation and move on. regardless of how things ended, i wish you both the best with your game and everything else you do in your future.

[the99thchapter]

34

the following are entries from my lunadiary.

2018.12.24 p.m. 01:54  - the last week of 2018 x - let the past be bygone they say, little did you know, the sufferings and obstacles i had faced, To be where i am today never forget your struggles because they're a reminder for every hardship 

2018.12.27 p.m. 08:34 the luxury of happiness x - to feel happy is a luxury because not everyday is filled with joy So If i get to feel happy for every one second I'll be grateful i don't want to feel nothing Forever

2019.01.17 p.m. 05:06 Tbh - Hypothetically speaking, i don't know if I'm passing my stats and cma paper. I didn't revise in depth and I'm just guessing answers. Reminder to myself that if i failed, it was because i wasn't being hardworking enough. I was being complacent. I deserved this. 

2019.04.01 p.m. 11:15 what happens next?  - howto: cope with a broken friendship are there any cures for it? Guidebooks, therapy or prayers?I lost a friend because of my actions. Came to realization that I'm always hurting others. I know how it feels like, and I'm doing it to the people i love. I am the worst.

2019.04.11 p.m. 05:38 My parents.  - My mom thinks I'm here to ruin her life. Look, I'm not trying to make anyone cry or get hurt. But it always come back to the fact that i cause great pain to the people around me indirectly. I made my family cry. I made a friend cry. I make myself cry. It's like i am this terrible person who's causing so much pain to others. I don't get better. I get worse. 

I know my mom has been looking at me like I'm a monster for a while now. Years. She doesn't say it but i can tell. I'm no longer treated like a child, i get scolded like a stranger and I'm not worth of importance anymore. I think this is the universe way of telling me that I'm on my own and i should just deal with it. My dad wants to get closer to me but i push him away repeatedly. I'm a mean person but getting closer means opening up walls and i don't intend to do that. After having broke a parent, this parent should stay away from me. I hurt people so he shouldn't have to deal with me. He's a great dad but he's unlucky to have me. 

My parents are great people and they've been through a lot. My existence is nothing but a nuisance since the beginning. Please, universe. Do them a favour and do myself a favour. Get rid of me. Help them. Save them. That's all I'm asking. 

2019.04.23 p.m. 10:59 Plus one - all i ask for is a man who has a good heart. Someone who is polite in words and actions. not necessarily pious but does his five daily prayers without fail. Able to guide me on the correct path and be my jodoh in jannah. protect me from the evil and love me for who i am. Respects my family as a whole and accepts us for who we are. 

2019.05.09 p.m. 02:03 day 4  - Ya Rabb, i ask that you strengthen my iman. Encourage my heart to perform the five daily salahs and to dzhikir a lot. In this holy month i want nothing but truly your blessings. Taufiq hidayah. Rahmatilah kami semua, terimalah segala ibadah and amalan kami. I'm striving to become a better muslim in the eyes of no one else but Allah SWT. The most gracious, the most merciful.

  2019.07.08 a.m. 09:38 What is wrong with me?  - These words are haunting me at night. Every time i close my eyes, i hear it. "Why are you like that?" "You're not good enough" "The world doesn't need you" "Stop being useless to us." "You're a bad person." Hey, Reality check, i am indeed what these statements truly meant. I know for a fact that no one actually likes me. I radiate bad vibes negativity. People pretend to like me. My personality's kinda fake. Is this why no one wants to stick by me? Is that why the friends that i have now are only pitying me? What do i lack? How can i be a better version of myself? What is wrong with me? 

2019.08.01 a.m. 11:31 the first of august - D-23 to my birthday! To an age that society defines as a brand new decade! My 20's will be the coolest. I can't wait to get my first full time job, to graduate with my diploma, to hop on an airplane, to travel to cities, discover the world, meet people, find love and connection, try new adventures and to simply help the needy.  

2019.08.26 p.m. 02:18 - today i had my last exam for 2.1. the end of a semester. right now I'm sitting i’m the mrt. On my way to bugis. To buy film. But all i can think about is Will today be the day? What if right now is the moment? 

No current commitments. No plans. Just myself. I'm thinking about how in the midst of being surrounded by work to do, i have no time for myself. To recharge, to check in and ask if I'm truly okay..Because I'm not. I really am pushing or suppressing emotions. I'm not allowing myself to let go. No anxiety attacks lately. Am i getting better? Or is this just my mind playing tricks?

2019.10.01 p.m. 10:57 cbtl  - I have work at 8 am which I've decided not to turn up for because i think it doesn't matter if I'm there or not..i love the nature of this new job and the learning outcomes from it but it's been 3 weeks and it's tough. i get that it requires the ability to be quick and precise but i just cant you know? With this particular mgr breathing down my neck every single time, i feel so tensed?? i know the reality is that not every job will be easy but i don't think this barista thingy will work out for me :(  and I'm not deciding to ditch work just bc i can't handle things, but I'm tired from getting belittled for minor tiny ass mistakes i do. Why do people find the need to raise their voice and speak in a degrading manner while pointing out my mistakes which are so frickin small in front of others? To train me to be vigilant next time? Is it working? Yes. But did it hurt my self esteem? Totally. You saw my igstory lately... the one about smacking my face? It still upsets me :( I wasn't rude or anything i was honestly in a confused position. Because i genuinely did not know the exact ingredients to make iced latte (i wasn't taught yet) and the same mgr thinks i do even after telling her i dont!! I asked her if it's made from iced water base but she kept emphasising the word 'ICED LATTE' indicting that i was dumb and she got fed up and said it's milk based + I'll smack your face..rude. She could have told me. The thing about me is that i remember lists really well so if she'd told me at the beginning we could have avoided this moment that ruined my day and hurt my feelings. I know it was my fault for not practicing much last week so that's why when i was asked to make hot espresso drinks it caught me off guard. I told the same mgr that i did not have much opportunity to do so bc the other workers mostly made the drinks and she still belittled me. Also i had to make this drink called Hot Vanilla which is similar to Hot Chocolate and i remember DISTINCTIVELY that one of my colleagues taught me to use cold milk as base so i did the same thing and one of the other colleagues saw and again... in a loud degrading manner pointed out my mistake and proceeded to say things like "YOU ASK AND ASK SO MANY THINGS THEN DON'T BOTHER REMEMBERING SO U ASK FOR WHAT" in a really mean tone... that was uncalled for. i had to choke up my emotions and reply an apology in a joking manner like i always do bc idw to cry.

2019.12.18 p.m. 09:39 the decade in recap - 2009-2019 i was 10 years old then but I'm 20 years old today. I really grew up uh? I went through so many things. I did them. I became who i am today. 

2020.01.21 a.m. 08:45 three weeks into the new year and I'm already over it - year, please be nice to me. I've cried way too much. I don't want to be sad all the time. I want to feel like myself again. It's been years...that for some reason happiness and a good life can't work hand in hand for me. 

2020.01.23 p.m. 08:57 work hard and work smart?  - I studied only two days prior. But in those last two days i put in a lot effort. I sacrificed sleep, my health, hygiene and everything into utilizing every second to absorb as much studying as i can. I convinced myself that i can do it. I can make things work. But did it? I took my tax paper and did mistakes...obvious unforgivable mistakes that i actually practiced so hard on but still did it. I took my finance paper and my mind decided to omit the one information that i needed to answer that question even though I've memorized it repeatedly in my mind beforehand. It's really times like this where i truly am disappointed with myself. I could have done better had i put in more effort. I could have aced it if i did my preparation early. I hate feeling like this. I hate feeling like I'm not as good as my peers. This whole week was so tiring for me. I was alone and realized that i am ALONE alone. My friends? They don't even care about me unless i took initiative to approach them. It's been suffocating lately, trying to take in all the crap that I've been getting. I'm so tired of crying. I don't even want to feel happy anymore. What's the point....

2020.02.19 p.m. 01:06 1 down, 4 more to go - auditing.... you're not my cup of tea. I'll admit it. in the beginning i didn't understand what was going on. but after literally crash coursing on the whole module this past week, i can say i still don't get it. But nevertheless i think i did ok for the paper. Idk. I thought I'd failed my mst only to be surprised by the score. So maybe the universe will work the same way this time. Or not. 

So today i will be going on a full-blown revision marathon for my three papers next week. I'm pinning my hopes on getting at least B+/A for FOT and FOI. IF? we'll strive to get one level about the bare minimum. 

I hope this semester sees an improvement in gpa or maintenance of my current one. Would really break my heart to see it plunge down. To future me, we'll be okay. If we're not, don't beat yourself to it. While the whole "grades don't define you" advice does give a sense of relief, it means shit. Grades matter... At least for university. 

Remember that one day we'll get a degree. Failure isn't forever. 

2020.05.30 a.m. 04:37 Why i don't ask about my jodoh in prayers  - while i do romanticize love based on fiction and the amount of love series i watch, i don't necessarily crave for it. I used to, but i don't. One reason could be that i am not surrounded by many malay guys and two, i am not in a position to be able to experience it. It's both. I don't try and I'll not try.