#but I just know I’d become a huge joke and a they/them joke would pop off

[wowieeitsisa]

Dunno what to feel abt some events that fucking happened in college

The entire class was handed an anonymous questionnaire and I felt comfortable enough to answer I was nb and mostly had platonic/queerplatonic relationships. Once the college professor showed the demographics of the class the whole class laughed when those options showed up, I felt like shit and not safe at all

Then class was over and I started playing dominoes with peeps from other classes

[jolalibrary]

stockings and stars

javier peña x f!reader

summary: Still need the star putting on the top of the tree. ive got other plans for you Because I’m the star? yeah you're my star and youre not going anywhere but on your back

from the late night texts world - but can still be enjoyed on its own. chapter warnings: allusion to/mentions of smut. no actual smut. javi undresses you, though. flirting. fluff. reader wears red lingerie and a dressing gown. javi flirting. sexy talk, romcom vibes ofc ✨ wordcount: 3k

an: to @goodwithcheese merry christmas from me, to you. thank you for everything, for the tuesday fun we have - i wanted nothing more than to have this out sooner, but life, you know? but, i adore you. and I'm so glad we found one another. ahuge thanks to @thetriumphantpanda who cheerleaded for me throughout.

text key: bold is you/reader | italics is javi

Will I be seeing Santa Javi today? I want to decorate my tree.

one time I come to yours in a red shirt

You also had the tree under your arm and a bag of baubles, I’d class those as gifts.

keep talking baby and you can decorate your tree alone

Think I’m gonna wear that shirt you left here while I do it. Make sure I have to get up on my tip toes. Hope it doesn't rise up...

you don’t play fair

I think I’ll be in stockings too…

youre killing me

Maybe they’re white and red, and…

baby if i wasn’t putting this thing up for Pop, i’d be driving over right now

Hope you hurry up, I need someone tall to put the star on top of the tree.

how am I gonna eat you out when youre perched on the tree baby

The last thing on his to-do list from his Pop is to hang the front porch garland.

He had learnt there had been a huge difference in the front and the back porch garlands. A fifteen-minute-long difference when he'd timed the response given to his sarcastic answer.

Javi learnt there was not only one for the back porch and the front, but one which sat across the fireplace and one on the staircase.

He learnt that after he'd made a joke about mixing them up—earning himself a very pointed glare, and the task of the front porch.

Now, it’s a battle he’s losing.

Tremendously so.

While he’d never want his Pop to do the more challenging tasks, he did rather hate he hadn’t thought to trade this one in for the back porch at the very least—because that had looked fucking easy.

Holding the garland in hand, he’s suddenly hit with a second wave of nostalgia, the first having arrived when he'd pulled down the box and peered into it.

It did the same thing as it had done then, all but rushed over him, layering itself on his shoulders, sitting, nothing short of a comfortable weight on him. Letting his gaze fall out over it, he smiles at the tuffs of fabric, all the bows tied by hand, all in an array of sizes and shades.

Over time, he can see how they've become sun-dyed, remembering the first year they'd been sewn into the faux greenery by his mamá, memories of her all hunched over, humming carols.

Smiling, he rolls his lips, letting out a heavier sigh than he intended as he drags it to the post he’d begin at.

But, all he wonders is whether in the years he wasn’t here, whether it was occasionally hung—or if this year is just that special.

The mere hint that he was going to ask if you wished to spend Christmas at the ranch had sent his Pop into overdrive. Practically yanked him out of his chair like he’d been electrified, a bunch of orders being flung from under his white, wiry moustache that they needed to get ready.

He wasn't sure he'd get the image of his Pop suddenly scrambling around like a man half his age, to drag the decorations out from the cupboard, would ever be erased from his mind. Least of all the sound you'd made aww'ing down the phone when he'd given you a condensed version of the story.

Because he hasn't asked you yet, not properly.

Even though he's spent the last two days at the back of barns and spending a ridiculous amount of time at the hardware store—because we need to make sure the lights stay up, Jav.

He just hasn't found the right time to ask you. A promise each time he goes to see you left in the air. Not that his Pop remembers that, instead he's just busy thinking up ways to make it special: one of which includes decorating the trees at the entrance to the ranch.

An idea having sprouted with the newest ranch hand—one which, if Javi overheard correctly, involves rope acting like tinsel and a cowboy hat being the star on the top of the trees.

Feeling his phone vibrate, he temporarily ignores it as he begins to weave the beginning of the garland around the wood—already knowing, before he tries to move it around the spindles, that it isn’t going to be easy.

Because nothing ever fucking is.

Least of all when you’re waiting for him.

His mind begins to concoct images of you in bows and sheer material, lips painted, sat waiting, smelling nothing short of heavenly as you call out for—

“Fuck,” he shouts, dropping the garland to the ground.

It had pricked him, stabbed him right in the skin—hand shaking the pain out, face likely all scrunched. And, if it didn't have sentimental value, he's sure he'd have kicked its protesting ass with everything he had. Instead, he just narrows his eyes more than he had done moments ago as he begins again.

He feels his nostrils flare when it begins to undo itself. The sound of faux bristles on wood grates him before it will even attempt to do what he needs it to.

And it makes him want to quit, to throw it back into the box and tell his Pop it isn’t worth it. But he knows it is. Knows that his mama didn’t spend hours bent over under flickering light for it not to be seen.

Javi also strongly suspects you’d love it. Likely run your fingers over several bows asking who made it. He can even imagine the look of joy on your face when he tells you.

It’s why, if he didn’t already suspect it anyway, he’s pretty sure his Pop loves you more than him. Because even the first Christmas he was back, there weren’t this many decorations; not nearly as much need to have them all out, either.

Not that Javi really minds—or blames him.

There’s a notable shift in energy when you stay over. Even more so in him. He can see there’s a cheer and a glow to the place—one Javi hates watching vanish when he takes you back to your place.

It's why, when—and where—he can, he fights for you to be here. Practically finds convincing ways to do so, including, crossword puzzles, dinner, and two-person showers. But, at some stage, your clothing dwindles, underwear runs low, and he has to make the painful drive into town to return you to your place.

Your fingers in his hair, practically clambered into his lap as you whisper that you’ll be back before he knows it. His fingers on your chin, thumb stroking out the words he says right back—that he’ll miss you all the same.

Javier Peña. Texan softie—what will the world think?

He only thinks one thing when he drives back—a response which had been there on his lips. Guess they’ll see just how much I love you. A thing you know, comment on, say back to him first thing in the morning and last thing at night. An array of promises there, sometimes spoken at a normal level and sometimes whispered.

You always keep them, just like the one that you are always back before he knows it.

He likes it when you are. Enjoys it when you’re nestled beside him, arm across his chest, hand close to his ribs—strumming them, tracing lines and words he tries to understand before sleep takes him.

He still always sleeps better when you’re beside him. When his breathing can mirror yours, when he can feel for you in the night when he’s awoken with nightmares and things he knows won’t ever come true.

Now, he’s fighting a different battle. One to get to you.

Halted in his path to freedom by the garland which refused to be hung, and could be labelled as giving him more grief than the horses which had banded together. A phrase he never thought he’d admit out loud, never mind think.

You still fighting with the garland?

baby its torturing me on purpose

Do you want me to come and help?

will you come in the stockings

No!! Your dad is there.

then stay there actually lie down, but do not begin without me

Still need the star putting on the top of the tree.

ive got other plans for you

Because I’m the star?

yeah you're my star and youre not going anywhere but on your back

Hurry then.

i’m hurrying

He does hurry—practically scratched up by the time he’s parking his truck outside your place.

As he takes the step up to your door, Javi realises how much he misses it here when he doesn’t visit. A place less frequent and often spent time in, even under your insistence of renting it.

It is always usually a stopping point, him parking up, letting you go in and grab what you need before you're back in his truck, heading back to his.

He does like your place though, likes how small it is, how cosy. Plus, it has all the things which make you, you. A thing his place is currently missing.

Although, as he steps through the door, and calls your name, he does have to admit it currently looks fucking ridiculous.

On a good day, he’d describe your place as crowded, but right now, it’s claustrophobic.

The tree you’d forced him to get is shoved into a corner, branches fluffed out, surrounded by the piles of unpacked boxes you’ve tried to discreetly hide. Your remaining floorspace is overtaken by a bit of rug, several piles of books (you have no room for, but continue to buy) and odd bits of furniture you find and attempt to restore.

For the most part, you’ve decorated. A thing you did inform him of.

You’ll be pleased to know when you get here your only job is the star. managed it all yourself, did you I’m a very competent woman, Javi. oh i know baby ive seen you with a crossword Does that do it for you? Me finishing a crossword. does something to me Get over here. im leaving now

There’s a warm, comforting glow spread out across the place from the fairy lights you’ve hung and the array of mismatched decorations—both bought and handmade—hanging from branches.

He breathes in the scent of orange which hangs in the air, his eyes finding the culprit on your fireplace, a garland—one not dissimilar to the one he’d been battled with—places there, mocking him due to the ease of which had been laid, with oranges and little beads all entwined within it.

Snorting, he glances back at your tree, spotting the things he's been with you when you've bought. And, as promised—and informed him through text—there’s nothing at the top of your tree.

“You finally made it!”

Spinning on his heel, he comes face to face with you, and fuck if the sight of you doesn’t make it all worth it.

Dressed in a red, silky dressing gown, all tied in the middle, you're a vision. Then, there's the fact your lips are painted a shade he’d now famously dub Christmas red, a colour he wants nothing more than to be stained with. A path of it from his mouth down to the space where his jeans meet his hips. A thought which seems to only make how tight his jeans are even more uncomfortable.

“Cariño, you’re…”

You sway a little, letting the fabric move—allowing his gaze to land on the stockings. The ones he’s been thinking about all afternoon. The ones he can’t wait to feel under his palm and know whether they’ll create friction when wrapped around his waist.

“Fuck me.”

“I’m kinda banking on it,” you say, biting your red-painted lip. “But first…”

His hand crawls around your waist, feeling the smooth, soft texture under his hand—swallowing, dragging his eyes up and down you, unsure how he could ever be so lucky—how something so good could ever be here for him to unwrap.

“I need you to hang the star,” you continue.

“Right now?”

Nodding, you ghost your lips over his. “I’ve been so good waiting for you.”

“You're never good. You, baby, are a menace.”

“I’m your menace.”

Snorting, he presses a kiss to your lips. “Damn right, you are.”

Moving from you, reluctantly, only to pick up the gold star he assumes you want to hang, getting a nod from you that he’s right.

“Need to ask you something too.”

And even though he’s only taken a mere short step from you, he’s floored all over again about what a picture you look like when he glances back. That you’re standing all for him, dressed in nothing but cheer and ribbons all for him.

“Go on.”

Turning to your tree, he flattens his hand to the wall for stability. “I wanted…”

His concentration slides in—suddenly aware he doesn’t want to knock anything from the branches. Doesn’t want to force things to be misplaced from where they were expertly hung.

He’s also sure he’s wanting to swallow the question. A part of him, all the way deep inside of him, having been bracing—and waiting—to hear you’d be apart for the holidays. A thing the two of you have rarely been since you moved here, not a day going by he hasn’t seen you for at least an hour.

“Wanted to know if you—shit—” the star almost sitting atop, before at the last minute protesting. “I wanted to know if you wanted to spend Christmas with me—with us, me and Pop. At the ranch.”

The star slides into place, sitting more comfortably with another shove, more branch supporting it.

But he doesn’t turn, not immediately. Not as the question hums around him, swirls in the silence of you not immediately saying yes. So much so, that it takes him a second to move on his heels, to face you—to read the answer before it’s delivered.

What he sees is something his heart couldn’t have ever prepared for.

You, grinning—a silly, almost goofy, smile spreading out as you bite down on your lip, forehead slightly crinkled.

“You… you want me to spend the holidays with you?”

“Of course—cariño, I want nothing more than for you to be with me.”

It all quick to leave his mouth, mirroring the movement to be back in front of you, fingers under your chin, lifting your eyes—those beautiful, fucking eyes—to his.

“Do… do you—wanna spend it with me?”

You pull a different face before you’re nodding. One more excited, one which begins to expel out over a smile and a bunch of escaping phrases such as I can’t believe you want me with you and of course.

“Why wouldn’t I want to be with you?”

Shrugging, you scrunch your nose—an act he finds just as cute as the first time he saw it. “Guess it’s a big deal. It’s… a thing people do with families.”

Pulling you close by your hips, your hand lands flat on his chest. “You are my family.”

“Javi,” you whisper, making each letter feel so individual the way you say it, that it makes his heart double.

“It’s true. You’re it for me, cariño. All I’ve wished for.”

Eyes widening, your eyes shimmer under the lights—more so than normal. Taking a deep breath, you lift your chin before pressing a kiss to his mouth. One which turns hungry, desperate—your mouth searing, a thing he’s craved since he woke up before the sun even rose.

“Baby,” you whisper.

And he hums.

It vibrates out, able to feel it from the way his fingers cup your cheek.

“Undo me.”

Releasing your lips with a pop, he opens his eyes, studying your eyes, moving from one to the other.

“Go on,” you urge in a whisper, more breathless, more tinged with something that makes his skin hot.

Sliding his fingers over the knot, he barely has to tug before it comes undone—unveiling you, like a curtain which wishes to part. If he’d thought you’d looked good before, he’s sure every bit of you is a sin now—a Christmas sin.

Red and lace. It’s all he sees. It sitting there, against you, hugging your breasts—sitting on your hips. His mouth is suddenly dry at the thought of running his tongue over the place it meets your skin before pulling it down.

Your fingers follow his eyes, sliding between the valley to land on the bow in the centre, twisting the edge of the tie around your index finger—palm skating over your stomach, allowing him more chance to take in how you’re stood before him in see-through fabric and promises.

“How’d I get so lucky?” he asks, more to no one, than to you.

His fingers teasing the fabric sat on your hip—marvelling, unsure how to think straight until you clear your throat, forcing his eyes to meet yours.

“Hey,” you whisper, tightening your hold on his hands, bringing his arms more around your waist, pressing your front to him, feeling the heat from your skin through your clothes. “You’re all I wished for too.”

Smiling, he looks at your tree, before landing back on you. “You look so good.”

“I know. Could look better though?” His brow arches as you slowly begin to smile, the tip of your tongue sliding over your upper lip. “Everything is held in place by bows.”

Groaning, he closes his eyes, letting his hand slide down your lower back, over sheer material before his fingers find the ribbon on your hip.

“All for you.”

“Mine,” he answers, slotting his mouth over yours—staining the four letters to your lips.

His fingers slide around, brushing over soft skin, until he finds the first bow. Undoing it with ease, licking into your mouth, only to grunt against you when you whimper as the fabric falls to your feet.

“Yours,” you say back, your own hands beginning to undo him.

an: merry christmas, love you

[adorerinn]

HIII I LOVE UR MATCHUPS AND IS totally normal about them and would love one too pls, and I'd like to be 🎏 anon!

I'm a girl and l'd love a LONGGG romantic matchup with a guy please

A brief desc of what I look like: I'm 167 cm, l've got long brown hair w new bangs which I love. I have some semblance of siren eyes which unfortunately scare some ppl off ://, therefore I’d prefer someone on the taller side please 🫶🏼

Personality: I'm the most versatile person I know, a true ambivert I believe. love quiet time but also feed off of energy when I'm around people and is totally okay with just sitting in silence with my friends. I'm attentive to my people and my giving love language is gift-giving, acts of service and quality time. I'm very aware of a lot of things happening around me, especially myself. I notice things most don't see like how my friends walk in different shoes (literally) or how they shift their body when they're uncomfortable. But this awareness also makes me feel bad sometimes when I notice something's up and I do nothing cause it gets so tiring, and then i feel guilty afterwards and think about what I should've done to help when literally no one had either.

I'm an ENFP and l'd love to be paired with a char of a suitable mbti. I'm confident, a little too much sometimes but mostly as a joke, about my looks and values in life. I also LOVEE deeptalks, depth in conversation is what i live for!!

I'm an artist and I love to draw and want to become an art director when I'm older cus l'm also a businesswoman at heart (gotta get that bag yk)

I'm also a huge fashion kid, as in whatever funky piece of clothing i see, i style and wear. I mix it up a lot so anything with squiggly fabric or ruffles and skirts as tops, you get the gist.

Ideal type:

I'm not super sure i can encapsulate a "type", but I'm not into gruff types (like iwa l'm so sorry), a little mean yes but not gruff yk. I'd love someone with a sense of humor and one that can match my energy, both calm and otherwise. I need someone attentive towards me as

much as i am to others. And someone wealthy please, i love giving gifts to people and showering them with support and affection and sometimes i just feel like it's one sided (apart from my family I receive gifts like i do others with only 3 friends :/). It might be a little selfish i know but i just need to feel loved like that i guess? And someone willing to ride all the scary rollercoasters with me (adrenaline junkie)

Appearance-wise, l'm into more feminine faces, my max for masculine is like chris evans , but i think all asian faces have a touch of femininity in them so i have practically no rejects in terms of characters. No facial hair tho, I'm super icked out by that, and body types are also versatile. My fav char is tsukki and he's built like a pencil but i love bo's body type too :))

Dream date: I'D LOVE A DANCE DATE, not professionally but like dancing tgt to pop classics from the early 2000s is a dream, literally anywhere (a club, the living room etc)

I hope i got everything, sry if it's long i love to ramble looking forward to a reply, thanks so much 😋😋

I match you with Suna Rintaro!

✧ Suna would definitely be a perfect match for you!

✧ you could for sure have a long and romantic relationship with him (I just feel like once he's found that special person he sticks with them no matter what)

✧ loves your ambieverted personality even if he's a bit more on the introverted side

✧ likes being able to spend some quiet time maybe put on some music while he's at it (I just KNOW he has a good playlist for every occasion)

✧ always keeps any gift you give him. he will probably just have the all scattered around somewhere in his room but he does appreciate them a lot

✧ likes being able to spend time with you even if you aren't doing anything or just sitting in silence. he just appreciates your presence

✧ definitely notices how you notice the tiniest things and thinks it's cool especially since he's the same way. you both would probably whisper to each other and just point out the smallest things ever

✧ always reassures you that it's okay and that you don't have to always help out people even if you noticed it

✧ likes how you can be confident even if it's just as a joke he thinks it's cool you can be confident even if it's not real. he just appreciates it and prefers people to be confident instead of just always being shy or something like that

✧ would for sure have late night talks about the most random things which will eventually lead to deeper conversations but he all for them

✧ he probably watches you draw and if you were to give him a drawing he would most likely have one of your drawings folded up in his wallet or some random jacket pocket

✧ likes how you have a dream to be an art director. he likes it when people have a goal set in mind instead of just going with the flow

✧ adores your fashion sense. he just thinks it's cool to have such a unique fashion taste. would also probably want you to choose some of his outfits if he can't decide what to wear

✧ most definitely has a sense of humor. (I feel like he has brainrot humor IT'S TRUE BC I SAID SO)

✧ would be able to match energy (he's probably still a kid at heart I just know it)

✧ of course most of them time he is very calm and attentive. he would probably notice when you're feeling even a little bit down and would try to cheer you up as best as he can

✧ would definitely buy you small gifts that he sees in shops and gets them just because they reminded him of you

✧ LOVES going on roller coasters and will go on whatever ride you choose. he just likes the thrill of rides

✧ would like to just mess around and dance to stupid music. he would enjoy to dance in the living room (he probably wouldn't wanna go to clubs just because he tries to act all nonchalant)

✧ overall I think Suna Rinatro would be the perfect match for you and you both would get along great

hi anon!! I hope you enjoyed your match up feel free to request again!

[stars-tonight]

HIII I LOVE UR MATCHUPS AND IS totally normal about them 🫶🏼

would love one too pls, and I’d like to be 🎏 anon!I’m a girl and I’d love a LONGGG romantic matchup with a guy please 🫶🏼🫶🏼🫶🏼

A brief desc of what I look like: I’m 167 cm, I’ve got long brown hair w new bangs which I love. I have some semblance of siren eyes which unfortunately scare some ppl off ://

Personality: I’m the most versatile person I know, a true ambivert I believe. I love quiet time but also feed off of energy when I’m around people and is totally okay with just sitting in silence with my friends. I’m attentive to my people and my giving love language is gift-giving, acts of service and quality time. I’m very aware of a lot of things happening around me, especially myself. I notice things most don’t see like how my friends walk in different shoes (literally) or how they shift their body when they’re uncomfortable. But this awareness also makes me feel bad sometimes when I notice something’s up and I do nothing cause it gets so tiring, and then i feel guilty afterwards and think about what I should’ve done to help when literally no one had either.

I’m an ENFP and I’d love to be paired with a char of a suitable mbti. I’m confident, a little too much sometimes but mostly as a joke, about my looks and values in life. I also LOVEE deeptalks, depth in conversation is what i live for!!

I’m an artist and I love to draw and want to become an art director when I’m older cus I’m also a businesswoman at heart (gotta get that bag yk)

I’m also a huge fashion kid, as in whatever funky piece of clothing i see, i style and wear. I mix it up a lot so anything with squiggly fabric or ruffles and skirts as tops, you get the gist.

Ideal type:

I’m not super sure i can encapsulate a “type”, but I’m not into gruff types (like iwa I’m so sorry), a little mean yes but not gruff yk. I’d love someone with a sense of humor and one that can match my energy, both calm and otherwise. I need someone attentive towards me as much as i am to others. And someone wealthy please 😭😭, i love giving gifts to people and showering them with support and affection and sometimes i just feel like it’s one sided (apart from my family I receive gifts like i do others with only 3 friends :/). It might be a little selfish i know but i just need to feel loved like that i guess? And someone willing to ride all the scary rollercoasters with me (adrenaline junkie 🙋‍♀️)

Appearance-wise, I’m into more feminine faces, my max for masculine is like chris evans 😭, but i think all asian faces have a touch of femininity in them so i have practically no rejects in terms of characters. No facial hair tho, I’m super icked out by that, and body types are also versatile. My fav char is tsukki and he’s built like a pencil but i love bo’s body type too :))

Dream date: I’d actually really love a gym date since I don’t like exercise outside of the gym but I don’t have access to one rn so i need motivation 😭 like let me come over to urs. BUT I’D ALSO LOVE A DANCE DATE, not professionally but like dancing tgt to pop classics from the early 2000s is a dream 😍

I hope i got everything, sry if it’s long i love to ramble 😭😭, looking forward to a reply, thanks so much 🫶🏼🫶🏼

headcanons

🥛 so suga's mbti is infj which is apparently compatible with enfp's

🥛 suga's also an ambivert; he has a lot of energy around his friends (and his students post-timeskip) and likes to do stuff with them but also just needs time to wind down and relax

🥛 he's a very good friend and would definitely pay attention to everyone's habits

🥛 he notices when you're not feeling good (physically or mentally) and always takes very good care of you

🥛 lowkey babies you a bit (especially post-timeskip) because he works with seven year olds

🥛 suga is a bit of a jokester but is also solemn when he needs to be and could definitely hold a serious conversation

🥛 he loves seeing your drawings! he just enjoys seeing other people's creativity and work in general

🥛 he's also super supportive of your dream

🥛 i don't think any of the hq characters are extremely wealthy post-timeskip (save for yaku and maybe lev) but suga wouldn't hesitate to get you gifts

🥛 although i feel like he'd prefer to make little presents for his partners because he thinks it can be so much more personal

🥛 but yeah he wouldn't hesitate to spoil you at all

🥛 he'd be a very attentive partner and would treat you very often

🥛 he'd definitely be a restaurant date kind of guy, but he also likes more fun and casual outings

🥛 as long as he's with you, he's happy with pretty much anything

🥛 although i doubt he goes to the gym very much, especially post-timeskip

🥛 his job is more mentally demanding than physically demanding 😭 so it's not necessary for him to be jacked

🥛 and more often than not when he comes home after a long day with little kids he's too exhausted to exercise

🥛 not opposed to walks or light jogs on the weekends though

🥛 also he probably goes to the gym with daichi every now and then to hang out (bc daichi definitely has to keep in shape with his job)

🥛 but he'd be more motivated to go with you so you can both laugh at each other's form and struggle together

🥛 probably treats you to ice cream or boba after though which lowkey destroys the point of going to the gym

🥛 suga has some mean dance moves and nobody knows it because he's never had the chance to show them off before

🥛 but he'd go all out at a little dance / karaoke party with you

🥛 imagine suga break dancing on the floor 😭

🥛 i don't imagine suga to be the insecure or easily embarrassed type so he's perfect for being a little wild with

runner up for you was akaashi keiji!

A/N: hi 🎏anon! thank you for your request, i hope you liked your matchup!

[jessource]

THE MENU ( 2022 ) * sentence starters.

“please don’t smoke, it’ll kill your palete.”

“(name), tonight is huge.”

“when you smoke, you ruin your ability...”

“oh, come on!”

“thank you.”

“thank god.”

“is that gonna fit everyone?”

“a night?”

“you’re fucking kidding, right?”

“what, are we eating a rolex?”

“come on, let’s not ruin this by talking price, yeah?”

“just go with the flow, let it be magical.”

“not bad!”

“oh, thanks man.”

“you deserve this, baby.”

“you know who’s gonna love this? (name)!”

“fuck. we’re dicks, huh?”

“great. a power tasting.”

“they’ll be wasted by the amuse.”

“hi guys.”

“look at you on a gangplank in heels.”

“holy fucking shit.”

“(name), oh my god.”

“who’s (name)?”

”okay, well, it’s official.”

”tonight will be madness.”

“all aboard!”

”wow.”

”please make yourselves comfortable...”

“ahoy!”

“and avast, me hearties!”

“let's hope she’s seaworthy, eh?”

“yes, sir. yeah.”

“boat jokes... we’re on a boat.”

“yeah. we’re on a boat.”

“hey, we got a famous person on board, huh?”

“hey, aren’t you supposed to be running interference for me?”

“make sure people don’t bother me, then?

“god, we both know you were not bothered.”

“i saw all his movies when i was a kid.”

“hey, listen.”

“apparently, he’s a big foodie.”

“beautiful. thank you.”

 “it’s one of his classics.”

“the lemon pearls are made with alginate.”

“alginate, as in...”

“pond scum.”

“it’s laughable.”

“it’s actually fucking laughably good.”

“think i prefer just the oyster, though.”

“please don’t say ‘mouthfeel’.”

“too late. mouthfeel.”

“jesus, this is like prom.”

“yeah? i never went to prom.”

“really? why not?

“‘cause none of the cool girls like you said, ‘yes’.”

“aw, poor baby.”

“well, fuck those bitches.”

“welcome.”

“it’s a pleasure to have you.”

“you gave my real name?”

“what about the paparazzi?”

“paparazzi? we’re on an island.

“i’m (name).”

“we’ll endeavor to make your evening as pleasant as possible.”

“that was really awkward, i’m so sorry.”

“don’t worry about it.”

“we’ll just go straight to the restaurant, if you don't mind.”

“we’ve seen the tour many, many times.”

“thank you. please follow me.”

“so, like, what are you working on now?”

“aw, hey, thanks for asking.”

“see, people still know me.”

“we have the bounty of the sea surrounding us.”

“out there, right now, we are harvesting scallops. you’ll eat them tonight.”

“hey, harvest harder, me dude!”

“we’re starving!”

“this is insane.”

“smell that.”

“yeah, i’m a huge embarrassing foodie.”

“i love this stuff.”

“and i’m close, personal friends with the chef.”

“can we pop in here?”

“dude, i read about one of these online.”

“can i check it out?”

“but please, do not touch our proteins. they're immature.”

“so, what happens if you serve it on the 153rd day?

“does all hell break loose, or...”

“well, i suppose the bacteria would introduce itself... to the consumer's bloodstream and spread into their spinal membranes... after which point, he or she would become incapacitated... and shortly thereafter expire.”

“so, yes, all hell would break loose.”

“i’d like to work for her.”

“this is where we live.”

“you actually live here?”

“here we are family.”

“we harvest. we fement.”

“we slaughter.”

“dinner is typically four hours and twenty five minutes.”

“it’s best that we all live here.”

“burned out?”

“there is food at the end of this, right?”

“who lives there?”

“isn’t the GOAT the greatest of all time, though?”

“look at that view.”

“wanna take a picture?”

“just... you should have the better view.”

“well, i don’t need a better view.”

“you know my name?”

“well, the attention to detail, it’s like, fuck!”

“yeah, i noticed you didn’t ask his name.”

“this ongoing obsession with snow.”

“it’s officially a plague, and no one is immune.”

“i want to hear your pitch for the show...”

“come on. i’m trying to do a goodbye toast. can you please just let me do that?”

“i told you this two weeks ago.”

“we’re doing this? the ‘talking about our lives’ thing?”

“me and (name) aren’t good. it’s not good.”

“are you at fault?”

“i’m an asshole.”

“we’re pathetic, aren’t we?”

“so it’s okay... that i’m not as into this as you are?”

“i’m sitting with the coolest girl here.”

“they play with the raw materials of life itself. and death itself.”

“that was beautifully put, (name).”

“i think i’m starting to get it.”

“i have to beg of you one thing.”

“do not eat.”

“is he serious?”

“be mindful.”

“and look around you. here we are on this island. accept. accept all of it. and forgive.”

“here they come.”

“we, the people on the island, are not important.”

“what happens inside this room is meaningless...”

“nature is timeless.”

“are you crying?”

“it’s just that i find it all very moving. it’s all so beautiful.”

“i’m pretty sure he doesn't even know about your existence.”

“relax. just eat your rock.”

“oh, my god. for crying out loud. it’s not brain surgery, okay?”

“okay, so we go to italy, right?”

“i eat the cheese, and then...”

“that’s a disaster.”

“whatever. at least we can say we’ve been here, right?”

“my dad used to say that you buy the experience.”

“i mean, this looks like... a suburban landscaping.”

“is he gonna keep doing that?”

“bread has existed in some form for over 12,000 years... especially amongst the poor.”

“ancient greek peasants dipped their stale, measly bread in wine for breakfast.”

“and how did jesus teach us to pray if not to beg for our daily bread?”

“he must be joking.”

“it’s gotta be a bit.”

“are you fuckin’ serious?”

“he’s basically insulting you.”

“it’s a concept.”

“i know what a concept is, (name).”

“call me the girl next door... but maybe there are some rules that you should give a fuck about...”

“this is all very clever, and i  didn't want to pull this card... but you know who we are, right?”

“i know who you are.”

“we won’t tell a soul.”

“you will eat less than you desire and more than you deserve.”

“that is not what i meant, and you know it.”

“i am perfectly capable of deciding when i eat and what.”

“you shouldn’t be so fucking rude.”

“where do we know her from?”

“ so, let me tell you a memory of mine.”

“i finally had to stab him in the thigh with kitchen scissors.”

“we’re not so smart when we’re young.”

“no, the pictures. they’re all of us.”

“what the hell are these?”

“how did you get these?”

“yeah, a fucking taco that might hold up in court.”

“stop talking and let me think, okay?”

“did you just fucking snap at me?”

“you do not send shit back to this kitchen, you child.”

“what did you just call me?”

“i called you a child... because you’re fucking acting like it.”

“(name), you need to apologise to me right now. you cannot speak to me that way.”

“actually, i can because, ding dong, i’m the one who’s paying.”

“how can i assist you?”

“what’s behind that silver door?”

“you shouldn’t be in here.”

“why do you care?”

“i’ll ask again. who are you?”

“i’m (first name) (last name).”

“so, where are you from, (name)?”

“you want the address for mom’s trailer park, you asshole?”

“no, it’s not who you want me to think you are.”

“you shouldn’t be here tonight.”

“please get the fuck out of my way.”

“he aspires to greatness, but he’ll never achieve it.”

“there is no way to avoid the mess.”

“the mess you make of your life... of your body... of your sanity... by giving everything you have to pleasing people you will never know. ”

“what are you doing?”

“what’s wrong with you?”

“the fuck is that?”

“that was a shock. i didn’t see that comin’.”

“what happened?”

“it’s just part of the menu.”

“it’s part of the show.”

“that’s a stunt? what was that?”

“this is an exclusive experience.”

“is he dead?”

“it’s not funny.”

“it looks so damn real.”

“this is just theatre, right?”

“he just fucking shot himself, okay?”

“it looked very real, (name). quite real.”

“we’re leaving. now.”

“is something wrong?”

“there is no boat to leave on.”

“that would be very difficult without phone service.”

“fucking move.”

“i’ll handle this.”

“with which hand, (name)?”

“with which hand will you handle this? left or right?”

“what the fuck are you saying?”

“shall we choose?”

“come on. leave the guy alone.”

“what the hell’s goin’ on?”

“do you need assistance finding your seat?”

“there’s a finger right there.”

“it’s not funny, lady! jesus christ!”

“this is real, isn’t it? i can’t do it.”

“i can’t do a hostage thing. i can’t.”

“then why don’t you go talk to him?”

“because you know him, right?”

“i made that up.”

“because i’m a name-dropping whore.”

“your husband’s ring, madam.”

“i honestly think that this whole thing is just for our benefit.”

“that’s why he texted me.”

“why are you doing this?”

“i’ve served many (name)’s. you’re not a (name).”

“what the fuck does it matter?”

“you were not a part of that plan.”

“with us, or with them?”

“and then you’ll let me live?”

“let you live? no!”

“we’re all gonna die tonight.”

“so, the question is, do you wanna die with those who give, or with those who take?”

“it’s arbitrary.”

“these decisions are important...”

“god damn it. it’s not fucking fair.”

“you smoke all day. can’t even fucking taste it.”

“we’re cornered. let’s focus.”

“wait, what’s the play here?”

“what are our options?”

“the door is guarded... but that could be a play.”

“hey, guys. we gotta do something.”

“we can’t be cowards.”

“this worked in a movie i did once.”

“when they bring their knives and forks, we just storm the kitchen, okay?”

“you think we have better knife skills than them?”

“what other choice do we have?”

“fuck it. i’m gonna break this fucking window.”

“there’s a saying. ‘sometimes all you need is a good cup of tea’.”

“i’ve found that not only does tea cleanse the palate, but it offers a soothing balm when facing some hard home truths.”

“but before we continue... are there any questions about me?”

“i think i speak for everybody here when i say that... i wanna know... i mean, we wanna know...”

“why the fuck is this happening?”

“you loved that i texted you an invitation for this evening.”

“your ego was fed.”

“it wasn’t cod, you donkey.”

“and i’ve been fooled into trying to satisfy people who could never be satisfied.”

"just say how much, and we’ll give it to you.”

“do you hear that silence?”

“listen, can you hear it?”

“and what have you decided?”

“i shouldn’t be here.”

“all of this... is not meant for me.”

“you’re not sure i’m brilliant, so don’t say it.”

“i’m not sure that you’re brilliant.”

“i was expecting more.”

“i guess i’m gonna have to make your decision for you.”

“you thought i couldn’t tell?”

“i know a fellow service industry worker when i see one.”

“how do you know him?”

“you’ve been eyeing him all evening.”

“you don’t rattle easily. so, how did he rattle you?”

“if we can find a boat, we can make a break for it.”

“into the tranquil night air.”

“i’ll send for help. first thing.”

“i’ll leave you to it.”

“it’s getting chilly.”

“yes, well... there was a time that would have meant a lot to me, (name).”

“you know, it’s the emoji for me.”

“don’t fucking run next to me.”

“you’re running next to me!”

“it’s a big fucking’ forest! fuck off!”

“are we all really dying tonight?”

“everyone dying was my pitch, actually. i’m super proud of it.”

“anybody want any wine?”

“i heard a pop.”

“not that you guys give a single, flying fuck... but my name is not (name). it’s (name).”

“party’s over.”

“welcome back.”

“what did you get?”

“how’d you do out there?”

“i did great. i killed it.”

“i’m the only one who got away.”

“i’m sorry. i’m a fuckin’ failure.”

“i’ve been stealing money from you.”

“i know. you cc’d me in on it.”

“tell me why you’re here.”

“and what were you told?”

“what were you told ahead of time?”

“‘everyone would die.’”

“i seem to remember you had a date.”

“so, you hired her knowing she’d die?”

“you entitled piece of shit.”

“i’m gonna kill you, (name)!”

“calm down.”

“you can’t blame her, can you?”

“you’re not like the others, are you?”

“come with me.”

“i have something for you.”

“mr handsome boy.”

“i’m proud of you.”

“what do you need? we have everything.”

“shit? would you like some shit?”

“we strive for perfection... which of course does not exist, and that is a hard truth for me to accept... so please forgive me.”

“and that concludes our demonstration.”

“do you see a barrel?”

“look, i’m not trying to sound, like, all whatever here or anything... but i just don’t think it's really fair.”

“do you wanna know why you’re being punished?”

“i saw the film calling doctor sunshine, and i did not enjoy it.”

“it was a sunday.”

“seeing you again now haunts me.”

“what happens to an artist when he loses his purpose?”

“what school did you go to?”

“i’m sorry. you’re dying.”

“motherfucker.”

“do you think you’re special?”

“you’ve disobeyed this rule.”

“you’ve been a nuisance since you have arrived.”

“you will not replace me.”

“i didn’t forget.”

“happy birthday to you.”

“you told them it was my birthday?”

“seemed funny about three hours ago.”

“i am a monster. no, was a monster. and a whore.”

“and at last, the pain is almost gone.”

“i can no longer be hurt, (name).”

“as dr. king once said, ‘we know through painful experience... that freedom is never voluntarily given by the oppressor. it must be demanded by the oppressed.’”

“did he just quote martin luther king?”

“i see you found our radio.”

“it’s a boat!”

“did you call someone?”

“why didn’t you all try harder to fight back? to get out of here? honestly, you probably could have. something to think about.”

“are you the owner?”

“come on. clearly, there’s a misunderstanding.”

“on your knees with your hands over your head. now.”

“you’ve betrayed our sacred bond of trust.”

“you’ve shown your craft to be careless.”

“you’re an eater. you’re a taker.”

“i don’t like your food.”

“what did you say?”

“for starters... you’ve taken the joy out of eating.”

“every dish you served tonight has been some intellectual exercise... rather than something you want to sit and enjoy.”

“when i eat your food... it tastes like it was made with no love.”

“oh, this is ridiculous.”

“you’ve failed.”

“you’ve bored me.”

“and the worst part is... i’m still fucking hungry.”

“you know what i’d really like?”

“tell me.”

“yeah, we can do a cheeseburger.”

“the cheap ones your parents could barely afford.”

“american cheese is the best cheese for a cheeseburger... because it melts without splitting.”

“is the fryer still on?”

“one moment, please.”

“thank you... for everything.”

“i told you, you weren’t leaving.”

“the s’more.”

“it’s everything wrong with us, and yet we associate it with innocence.”

“but what transforms this fucking monstrosity is fire.”

“i love you all!”

[sleepymarmot]

Seventeen Moments of Spring (1973): a review

Here is the non-spoilery review/introduction/recommendation I promised.

For many of us living in the post-Soviet states, this title needs no introduction. It’s impossible to remember how old I was when I encountered a Stierlitz joke for the first time — elementary school age, maybe earlier? What I didn’t realize was that the show had become such a hit not just because of its effective mythmaking or because the hero is absurdly badass, though both of these things are true. It is also genuinely brilliant TV that stood the test of time with ease.

Seventeen Moments of Spring turns 50 in a few months. That means that as good as the show is, it is of course also dated in several ways. The most noticeable is the pacing. This show was made for an entirely different attention span in mind. It’s not a problem of a slow start — the stakes are established within the first episode. But every individual scene takes more time than it would have taken in a modern show, and the addition of real newsreel footage slows down the action even further.

Another thing that is noticeable to the modern viewer is how gendered the story is. The nigh-untouchable (to a certain extent — no spoilers!) protagonist embodies pretty much every masculine virtue you can think of, and selflessly sacrifices his feelings for patriotic duty. There’s only one prominent female character, and she is given the opposite role: more vulnerability, more raw emotion, less opportunity for dashing heroism. The show’s director is a woman, and this might rightfully be a factor in you deciding to watch this show — but don’t let that give you false hopes for a feminist narrative.

The show is an adaptation of a single novel in a series, and that has certain effects on the plot. One of them is a huge benefit compared to what saturates the modern pop culture: the show wastes no time on establishing an origin story, opening in the final months of the war with all pieces already on the board. The main plot was perhaps better suited for a book format: I found it convoluted and difficult to follow, especially when the voiceover narration didn’t offer extra explanations. By the way, the show’s method of information delivery also needed getting used to: for me, plot developments were often confusing upon first introduction, and became clear as they were explained later.

But you don’t need to know anything about the plot beforehand. I didn’t. I was only aware of the premise — a Soviet spy in deep cover in Nazi Germany — and that was probably the perfect amount of knowledge. My viewing experience was a strange version of a completely fresh unspoiled first viewing where I had to guess where the plot was heading and concentrate hard on following it, except I’d known the protagonist’s name since childhood and so had to simultaneously observe another process: how it slowly ceased to be the name of just the joke character and became the name of a dreamy angsty hypercompetent hero I was forming an emotional attachment to.

One of the main factors of the show’s success are the attraction and sympathy the main character inspires despite — or, rather, because of — his emotional unavailability. The creators understood the appeal of a handsome man who is not only very good at his job but also represses his true self and creatively adapts it to the environment just as clearly as any modern day fangirl does. He is in tight control of not only his actions but also every emotion he allows to reach his face. The actor’s expression barely changes even in the most open, unguarded moments. And yet the hero’s exhaustion, loneliness, and homesickness are effectively conveyed with the help of the iconic music in the long, slow scenes, achieving the lyricism that became one of the most memorable aspects of the show.

Don’t look for historical accuracy here. According to several researches referenced by the Wikipedia article, the setting was more of a reflection of the USSR than a faithful depiction of the Third Reich. I assume that watching this will give you more insight on Soviet culture than on WWII.

You might want to check out this show if you are interested in:

hypercompetent protagonists

also very competent antagonists who act like three-dimensional humans and not evil cardboard cutouts

men who are emotionally repressed almost to the breaking point

Stoic Masculine Angst™

political intrigue and spy mind games

the unrelenting tension of working against some of the most dangerous people on the planet right under their nose

all sorts of people living in a totalitarian state, the roles they have chosen to play in it, and how they act when they know its days are numbered

excellent acting

black and white cinematography, intentionally chosen over color for stylistic reasons

beautiful theme music

On the other hand, here are some things that you might want to be aware of. The pacing is slow, the plot demands attention, and the material is often heavy — so it’s more of a “slow journey over 2-4 weeks” show than a “binge in two days” one. For me, the episodes usually took more time to watch than their actual runtime, and left me exhausted — and I suspect I’m not the only one. Important content warning: one of the episodes shows real concentration camp footage; you can notice when the narration starts going in that direction and prepare yourself. There are also scenes of physical and psychological torture inflicted on people of various ages starting from a very small child; they’re not gory but still disturbing. Some other scenes I found hard to watch because of how suspenseful they were. On the flip side, you might find the black uniforms and cars a tad too sleek and fashionable, and there are characters based on real Nazis who are written and played charismatically enough that you might be surprised by how happy you are to see them on screen. Don’t even try to apply any modern Western standards of representation, obviously — not only because the show is half a century old but even more so because of the setting. Ignore the colorized version if you encounter that, watch the black and white original.

Finally, I can’t not mention why I suddenly decided to watch this classic after having zero interest in it throughout my entire life. The last few months of 2022 were brightened for me by two works of fiction:

A star-filled, stylish cult 1973 drama about a Russian man in a violent Western European environment, featuring a time/clock motif and a major female character named Katya

A 12-episode TV show about the fight against fascism, notable for portraying the antagonists as humans as opposed to one-dimensional evil caricatures, and likely to irritate some viewers with its slow pacing

I started watching Seventeen Moments of Spring because it was a classic antifascist espionage TV show from 1973, and was amazed to discover that it also shared all other features listed above. It’s not often you watch something at just the right time mostly by coincidence! Shout out to the film that is definitely real and the show that might be a fandom’s collective fever dream (or is that the other way around?) for bringing me here.

[whoacanada]

(Hey, look! That Zimbits AU where Jack goes into PR after retiring from the NHL and NHL!Bitty comes looking for advice about coming out!)

“Your ten-o-clock, remember?” April gestures to the conference room with her pen. “The cutie the Hurricanes coughed up for Pride Night outreach? He’s here.”

Jack tugs down the blinds with a cautious finger and zeroes in on the handsome blonde sitting awkwardly at one end of their large conference table, conspicuously alone. “There’s always suits for outreach talks,” Jack hazards, looking back at his receptionist over his shoulder. “They never send players alone.”

“It’s what we’ve got on the books. Eric Bittle, Carolina Hurricanes. No plus ones.” April whispers, checking her calendar. “Well? Get in there, Boss; and buckle up, he’s got an accent.”

.

Eric Bittle looks up, his dark brown eyes wide and unfairly attractive as Jack extends his hand, Bittle rising to take it. Everything about Bittle is polished and perfected; suit tailored, hair coiffed so neatly Jack would posit he’d gone in to have it trimmed before he’d arrived this morning. He’s pulled together so tightly, in fact, that Jack can’t find any loose threads, and if he remembers his time in The Show correctly, no loose threads means Mr. Bittle’s probably hiding something.

“Eric? I’m Jack Zimmermann. It’s great to meet you.”

“Oh, I know who you are,” Bittle chuckles, and Jack’s heart would skip a beat if he wasn’t so certain there’s a huge piece of context still missing from this meeting. “It’s still very nice to meet you in person.”

“So, tell me about Pride Night,” Jack pops the button on his suit jacket and settles down across the table. “What, exactly are the ‘Canes thinking about doing that involves you coming to see us?”

Bittle bites his lip briefly, gaze darting off before coming back to settle on Jack, and Jack is reminded of so many media training sessions it’s like he’s back in Vegas again.

“I may have, ah, fudged the reason for my visit a bit. Yes, we have Pride Night coming up, yes I’m the designated sacrifice, but I’m more here on personal business.”

Jack eases the tip of his pen from the legal pad, recognizing an off-the-record admission is coming. “How personal?” He questions. “Are we talking potential legal trouble or just potential social trouble? Or no trouble at all.”

“I’m gay.” Bittle says plainly. “Whatever trouble that may be. My team knows it, my family knows it, and I want to come out — I need to come out — and I can’t mess it up.”

Jack is grateful for his game face, reaching for the coffee carafe near him to couch his surprise and no small measure of his excitement. “Oh, you mean like I did?” Jack jokes, earning a soft smile.

“No active player has come out since you retired,” Eric skirts Jack’s comment, taking the mug before gingerly amending, “Not voluntarily, at least. I’d like to break that streak. Given your experience, and what you do now, it seemed like the smart move to come speak with you.”

“Well, I’ll be the first to admit my behavior didn’t lend itself to much confidence with the public at large, but that’s why I’m where I am today. Making sure people like you can learn from my mistakes.”

“And you made a lot of mistakes,” Bittle murmurs, taking the mug from Jack gingerly, glances back out the window as he takes a sip, and Jack fights a smile when he realizes what’s happening.

“Are you . . . chirping me?”

“Makes me less nervous,” Bittle admits, apologetic. “But that was rude, I’m sorry.”

Bittle’s eyes are bright. His smile is bright. Everything about him is warm, inviting. Jack might be biased, though, he’s always had a soft spot for compact blondes.

“Don’t apologize.” Jack leans back in his chair, feeling lighter than he has in weeks. “You might be the only one in the whole league right now that doesn’t need to apologize.”

“I think I need to have a partner,” Eric clears his throat. “I can’t come out without a reason, otherwise what’s the point.”

“That answers one of my first questions, gives us a place to start. Yes, a boyfriend gets you points, but not in the way you’re thinking. If you come out with a guy on your arm, the story becomes maintaining the relationship, not that you have one or that you are ‘out’ at all. The scandal is the relationship falling apart, or you flirting with a fan when you have your partner at home, that kind of drama.”

“And if I just say, ‘hello, I am a homosexual’ people will think I’m promiscuous, or just trying to get laid.”

“Maybe. Are you?”

Bittle’s expression turns indignant, lips twisting into a judgmental frown that reminds Jack of his grandmother before a scolding.

“What kind of question is that? Yes, of course, but they don’t need to know that. But that doesn’t — You know, you gave me hope?”

Jack doesn’t quite startle, he’s well beyond the jumpyness of his youth, but he has no clue where this conversation is about to go.

“When you came out, when you were drafted, your cup season . . . every time you succeeded, beat the odds, it made me think, maybe, I could do it, too. I could be a professional athlete, I could play hockey, and it didn’t matter who I wanted to be with.”

Jack knows there’s a ‘but’ coming, he can feel it; so he gets there first.

“But . . . then I overdosed.”

“Then you retired.” Eric corrects. “Two years before I signed with Carolina, and you just gave up. I was going to be the first out NCAA men’s hockey captain, you ‘retired’ in scandal, and suddenly the trustees didn’t want the attention. Back to square one.”

“Eric, I wasn’t well.” Jack defends gently, knowing Bittle isn’t trying to be cruel.

“You let them get to you! You were supposed to be untouchable. I needed you to be untouchable.”

“Eric.”

“I’m sorry,” Bittle looks down at his hands, the table, anywhere but Jack. “I genuinely didn’t intend for any of this to come up so quickly, you’ve been nothing but charming and here I am dumping all my baggage on you like we’ve been talking for years . . . ”

“It’s actually alright. I’ve made peace with what happened to me, what I put myself through, and I wasn’t kidding that I’m very intent on making sure I can help others avoid the same pitfalls. So, what do you need from me right now?” Jack asks, genuinely curious. “An apology? A hug? You wouldn’t be the first to ask.”

“I want . . .” Bittle huffs, closing his eyes and evening his breathing. “I want dinner.”

“I’m sorry?”

“I’ve loved the idea of you since I was sixteen, but now I actually need your advice on how to do this without losing my mind, and I can’t plan my future from a boardroom, so, I want you to take me to dinner. I want to hash this out like two normal, well functioning adult men. Also, maybe alcohol.”

“Speak for yourself on the well-functioning part,” Jack chirps himself, “but I think dinner can be arranged. I assure you, you’ll have my full support moving forward. The firm’s, as well.”

Bittle’s lips quirk, holding Jack’s gaze. He caught the slip, and now there’s nothing to do but own it. They lapse into a gentle silence. Jack sipping his coffee, Bittle doing the same. Jack isn’t sure what he’s waiting for, the puck is at the end of his stick. He flashes a smile. Bittle blushes.

“So,” Jack begins. “Do you like Burmese?”

____

They part ways and April’s eyes are huge with suspicion. “Should we discuss fees?” she asks. “Do we need to start billing? Sounds like it went well.”

“Nah, we’ll talk later about payment,” Jack replies, folding his jacket over his arm, hiding the slip of paper with Bittle’s personal number and trying not to stare as the forward walks away. “I have a strong feeling I might be handling this pro bono.”

[hollyhomburg]

omg if the mc was black who in bily would learn how to do protective styles to help mc out 🥺

Oh 1000000% jin would be learning everything he could to give her the most artful styles possible, falling asleep with YouTube open in front of him and literally consuming so much content to learn for her. i bet he wants it to be a surprise but she walks in on him practicing with some pieces of yarn or something and spoils the surprise but the m/c is so endeared and so pleased he wanted to be more apart of her day to day that it hardly ruins the surprise. Jin is type type to go to a few specialized salons and pay for lessons too <3

I think he’d really love doing her hair for her once they talked about it and she showed him how to do her favorite looks, because jin is a big fan of physical intimacy and hair is such an intimate part of the m/c 🥺 what if she fell asleep while he was doing it and he just like, tried not to tug too much and wake her but it slips out and he has to try again the next day. 

Sometimes he even has her sit in one of the boys laps for the more gentler hair styles (especially when he’s still learning to do the simple 3 strand braids) and she’ll just cuddle up into their scent glands, the little tugs from Jin’s gentle hands trying to be as gentle as possible lulling her into a light nap. They only wake her up when he’s done with one side, moving her head to lie on the opposite shoulder of whatever alpha jin has enlisted for help so that he can get at the other side. 

I think a lot of hair care products would definitely make their way into Namjoon’s courting gifts too!!! He’d want nothing but the best for his girl 😤 imagine if they went to a shop together and he just went “whatever you wanna get sweetheart.” Internally sweating at the price but also- the smile on her face and how she comments about the products later saying stuff like “this ones so much less sticky than what i used to use” or leaning over to have Joonie smell them looking for his approval makes it all worth it.  

Tae would also be incredibly invested in learning how to do the m/c’s hair because then girl days can become hair and makeup days. It gives them the excuse to spend more time together and they’d bounce from doing facemarks to hair to makeup all wrapped up in their own little world. Idk why I just got the idea of the m/c teaching tae how to do finger waves too like, her happy little giggle and the m/c having her hold the gel and Then having tae practice on her or even one of the others. I bet once tae starts realizing how much of an asset having longer nails is for braiding she’d want to get them done even more. 

There are so many cute moments that i can think of, like on wash days there are always a few of the boys to keep her company, probably Tae and Jung-kook piling in with her doing face-masks together or doing their nails while they watch the m/c condition and detangle her hair, i bet Yoongi pops in at one point to give her a snack and keep her energy up because he knows how tired she gets after wash days, usually something sweet too (something sweet for his sweetheart).  

And maybe for a picnic date tae does her hair in sort of a crown shape and hobi brings home a ton of flowers to thread through. pink roses and delicate light yellow flowers along with forget me not’s. tying them together with careful gold strings and little gold butterfly charms that Jimin gave her as a courting present and they joke that they’re pollinating their flowers and take millions of pictures of her, one definitely becomes the background on one of their phones <3 

a huge thank you to @just-a-little-teapot13 @sunasrintarhoe @syren-tara @pinkcherrybombs @lovecoresyndrome and @ghastlylover as well as everyone everyone in my inbox who helped write this and make it as perfect as possible <3 please go give them some love!

If any other poc have more ideas for this headcannon please chime in and add it as a comment to this post so i can boost you on my page, I’d love to hear your thoughts! and I’m sure others would too! 

Also bonus: because i was so inspired that i made a soft Bily moodboard for this so~ here you go~

[makeste]

i don't get it tbh. the apology shouldn't have been here. it was in the middle of everything and it had basically no impact on deku whatsoever? this was sooooo no what i was expecting and tbh i'm kinda mad about it ngl lol also ngl times twice but if whatever ochaco says does reach him instead of the kacchan apology that's been built up as the emotional climax for the entire series i'm just flat out gonna drop this manga lmao. but this was barely an emotional climax at all, i really don't get it

2/2 like we get just a few pages? shoved in there like "okay everyone talked now kacchan disappears from the chapter, that's over and done with, moving on" the apology itself was great, but the placement and brevity undermined its emotional resonance. deku remains the exact same after hearing it, doesn't think about katsuki at all. just about his earlier "can't keep up" words? then we go on to ochaco whose "saving heroes even though that's what everyone has been doing" i guess is more important?

3/3 (last one promise) like i'm sorry but there was time for several chaps of endeavor ugly crying, for mineta's anal beads and pervy romantic trope non-confession, for overhaul to pop up being his usual piece of shit self for no plot-relevant reason, for adult top heroes to stand around for chapters like "huh everything we're doing is awful. let's keep on trusting this smelly kid" and. a few panels for kacchan apology. no reaction. shoved among "idk u well mido but stay!" + ochaco making faces

4/4 (i lied) and all this after katsuki's distress and emotions were once more made into jokes at the hospital, emotional consequences of the war ignored, w all might probably dying and the last thing he did to this kid was ditch him leaving us to guess he maybe gives a shit abt him and maybe he bothered to visit in the hospital cuz they sure didn't show shit. i honestly feel like all katsuki stuff was shoved into the background: krbk friendship for mina, dkbk for ofa, name reveal for jokes...

okay, so I have talked in the past about fandom reacting like Miette whenever this stuff happens, and tbh this is basically what I mean by that anon. there is no reason whatsoever to assume that this is the one and only reaction we'll ever get from Deku regarding the apology and that it will never come up again. this is 100% going to be revisited. and tbh I think it's a smart move on Horikoshi's part, because if he gave us everything in this one chapter then what further development would there be to look forward to? he's gotta hold something back so that we have that one last milestone to anticipate in the rebuilding of their relationship. I've often said that for me me, Deku and Kacchan's story is the most important part of BnHA. and so it makes sense to me for Horikoshi to not completely resolve it until close to the end of the series, if not the very end.

I think this is a pretty good compromise honestly, because I wasn't even sure if we were going to get the apology itself before the finale. but this way we can head into the final battle with Kacchan having put all of his character development out there and not holding anything back, and it's nice to have that, and to have that reinforcement of just how far he's come, and how serious he is about his atonement. and so his feelings are finally all on the table now, and now it's all Deku.

and he deserves to have some time to work out how he feels about this and not be put on the spot to deliver a reaction, honestly. but to say it had "no impact whatsoever" is a huge overreaction imo. first of all, we saw the shock on his face -- he was absolutely floored. this was something he clearly never expected from Kacchan (which is why it was so important for Kacchan to actually say the words, in addition to taking action as he's already done -- because Deku needed to hear them, because he genuinely had no idea that Kacchan actually cared. and he deserves to know that, because Kacchan is one of the most important people in the world to him). not to mention that Deku kind of has a million other things on his mind right now. like we just had a whole entire arc about that lol. the apology isn't supposed to be for Kacchan's benefit; it's supposed to be for Deku's. so let him have the time to absorb it before he settles on what to say. Kacchan had all the time in the world to figure out his part of it, after all.

to me this is like a promise that there will be at least one last great, emotional, and deeply personal moment between the two of them. because when Deku finally does forgives him -- not that he hasn't already, imo, but once they finally have that conversation -- that shit is going to be so fucking cathartic, and tbh I'm glad Horikoshi didn't try to cram that into this chapter along with everything else that's currently going on. besides, I'd rather see that part of their reconciliation happen once Deku is more back to his normal self again; I feel like it would be more meaningful that way. right now he's too exhausted to be able to come up with any words. but he already has shown the best possible reaction I could have ever hoped for -- complete and utter relief and trust. Kacchan is the person he trusted enough that he could finally let go of his fears and anxieties -- if only for a moment -- and give into his exhaustion at long last, and that moment where he collapses and Kacchan runs to catch him has instantly become one of my favorites in the whole series.

so yeah, my apologies anon, but absolutely nothing is gonna spoil that for me, and I can't join you here in being even remotely disappointed with this chapter. well aside from the lack of hug lol (but I can be patient for that as well).

[thefanficmonster]

My Kind

Corpse Husband x Reader (Female)

Warning: Swearing

Genre: Fluff, RPF (Real Person Fic)

Summary: Having been chosen by the gang to be a guest streamer on today’s stream of Among Us, it’s safe to say Y/N’s super excited but also a bit nervous. The whole of her anxiety gets lifted off her when she meets someone with the exact same vibe as hers - yeah you guessed it.

Requested by @monizzle96 Hi dear! Thank you so much for your wonderful request! I’m so terribly sorry it’s taken me so long to write and post it but here it finally is! I hope you come across it and read it and if so I hope you enjoy it! Love, Vy ❤

This has to be the fiftieth time I’ve checked my setup in the past twenty four hours. But no, I’m definitely not nervous, what are you talking about. Pshhh. Nah, being nervous isn’t in my brand. Plus, what do I have to make me nervous - a group of famous streamers inviting me onto their stream to play Among Us with them because they enjoyed my own streams? Ok yeah, that’s a pretty good reason. Not gonna lie, I almost chucked my phone out of excitement when I received that DM from Toast, telling me they’d picked me to be their guest streamer for today’s date. My stomach was doing somersaults for a good forty-eight hours following that text and then the anxiety slowly started setting in fueled by the expectations they probably have of me.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not inexperienced in the streaming field, I’ve been a streamer longer than some of the members of Toast’s streamer gang actually. But I never managed to garner that big of a following which I’m honestly quite ok with. I have a modest - ok, maybe larger than modest - following consisting of incredibly loyal fans which I will never stop being grateful for. They are all so respectable of me, my privacy and my boundaries. They know the main rules: no shit-talking in the chat or in any of my comment sections, no bashing other YouTubers in my comments/chat, and most definitely not asking for a face reveal. Fun fact: I didn’t even set up that last rule, they all just collectively know not to ask for it. 

I’ve been keeping my brand pretty low-key to avoid garnering some unwanted attention - some of which I’ve already experienced on certain social media platforms following the full body pictures I posted on there - face not visible of course. I tend to also have my webcam on, facing towards my hands working away on the keyboard sometimes when I stream. I don’t know why people obsess over faceless content creators’ hands, but I appreciate the enthusiasm - it also drives me to do a manicure every now and then which ain’t so bad, self-care and all that you know.

Now, back to the subject of my ridiculous nervousness.

You see, it has layers.

I’m nervous of ‘preforming’ underwhelmingly and I’m nervous of what my own fans will think of the person I will become during this stream. They know me as a super chill and laid-back person, which I am by the way, but they might think I’m putting on a show if I exhibit any nervous gestures/vocabulary. I highly doubt they would, but the possibility is not letting my mind rest. And now that it’s about ten minutes till the stream starts, I’m getting doing my best to calm my nerves.

They are all just people. You know they are super chill too. Just be yourself, that’s why they invited you, because you are yourself on all your streams. They liked you for your personality, humor, maybe even your gaming skills. So chill the hell out and be yourself, damn it!

Easier thought than put into action that’s for sure.

I start my stream five minutes early just so I can vibe with my viewers for a little while before I have to meet the gang. My fans always have a way of injecting me with confidence, they remind me of where I was when I started and how far I’ve come. How much I achieved when I thought I’d be nothing and no one, someone the algorithm would simply overlook. But then they entered my life and I entered theirs and it all became much better than I ever thought it would get to be. I rarely tell myself ‘good job’ for the milestones I’ve reached or the hard work I’ve put into my content, but that’s probably cause I orient myself based on that quote from the movie Whiplash: ‘There are no two words in the English language more harmful than good job’ - simply put, I’m never satisfied with what I do and I always strive to do better. My fans, however, make sure I don’t go overboard with it - always serving as a reminder that I’ve done plenty for myself and others. And that’s what makes an amazing fandom, one I consider family.

Whoa, when did those five minutes fly by?!

Ah shit, here we go. Deep breaths, Y/N you got this.

“Hello!“ I say as I enter the Discord call, subconsciously biting my lower lip, grateful the camera isn’t capturing it. However, I make a mental note to keep my hands steady cause that’s the one part of me people can actually see and the last thing I want is for them to see how much my fingers are trembling.

“Oh hi, Y/N!“ Toast is the first one to greet me, “Welcome to the stream! Thank you so much for accepting our invitation.“

“Thank you for having me and inviting me, Toast. This is a huge deal for me. You guys are basically YouTube legends, this is unreal to me.“ I reply, cringing immediately afterwards because of my fangirl rambling. Great way to make first impressions, Y/N. Bravo.

To be fair, they already have an impression of you. Quit stressing.

Aright, you’ve got a point, me.

“Oh please, we owe all that to our fans. We’re really nothing special. All streamers are almost completely alike, we all owe where we are to the people who helped us make it there - our fans. We’re no legends.“ Toast says, bringing a small smile to my face as well as a light pink blush to my cheeks, “And from what I’ve seen, you yourself have quite the following. And your fans seem to adore you.“

“And I absolutely adore them.“ I chuckle, “They mean the world to me. They are the reason I’m here today.”

“Then we have to give them a special thank you, don’t you think?“ The teasing, familiar giggle, widens my smile - it’s Rae, “Nice to meet you, Y/N! I’m Rae, and, no cap, I’m quite a fan of your content. No joke, I binged your entire series of Resident Evil 7 as soon as I found your channel when Toast said he’d invite you.“

This rattles me a bit. I can hardly believe it - am I really receiving a compliment from an A-list name in the streaming world? My fans must be hella proud of me right now. A quick glance at my chat confirms that they indeed are. That in and of itself fills me with joy and newfound confidence.

“Oh Gosh, thank you so much Rae! That means the world to me. You’re all so sweet.“ I reply, lifting my ice cold hands to cool down my burning cheeks, my lips spread into a grin, my stomach filled with butterflies.

“Oh please, we have some real savages around here.“ A male voice, seemingly Charlie’s scoffs, “Don’t overlook us please.“

“Wait, we do?“ A deep voice, one I immediately know the owner of speaks up, “Who? How come I don’t know about that?“

I can’t help bust snort, “Nice to meet you, Corpse. Sarcasm central, I see.”

He laughs, “Just returning it to where it’s due. Nice to meet you too, Y/N. Sick Outlast series, by the way.“

Ok, wait, I have two A-list streamers complimenting my content. Ok, I’m bound to crack open a few beers to celebrate later cause OH MY GOD.

“Thanks! I’m a horror junkie so I’d be lying if I said I haven’t binge watched all your story-times. Personal favorites are the deep web ones, they fascinate me.“

“Oh, you’re one of my kind even more than I expected, huh?“ He replies, the tone of his voice changing, raising a bit due to what I can only describe as excitement and enthusiasm. “I’ve had people tell me it’s twisted, but I really like seeing the lengths to which the fucked up human mind can go to. Like, the shit I’ve read is insane! Some stories I didn’t narrate cause I would’ve probably had my video taken down, it was that messed up.“

My eyes widen, sharing the same excitement at the thought of digging deeper into this phenomenon, “Careful, Corpse, you’re walking a dangerous line of tempting me to deep-dive on Reddit in search of those exact stories.”

“No need.“ Corpse says, his tone now taking up a bit of a cocky note, “I still got them all saved, I can send them to you no problem.“

“Please do! I seriously gotta read them now. If I can’t sleep afterwards, I’m blaming you, Corpse. Just FYI.“ I say, giggling slightly, finding myself all but completely comfortable now. I wonder where all that anxiety went? 

“Blame fully taken. Given that I’m not much of a sleeper, I’ll keep you company whenever you think there’s a killer hiding in your closet or fear a red room pop-up will appear on your computer screen.“ He replies, chuckling.

“Um, that’s oddly specific.“ Charlie comments, “Been there yourself, buddy?”

“Perhaps.“ Corpse wheezes, getting a laugh out of me too, “I will neither confirm nor deny.“

“You know what, I’ll just private message you my number so if you see it call you at some ungodly hour, you don’t freak the fuck out. Sounds good?“ I ask, already prepping to type it out and send it to him. 

“Perfect. Wait...“ he pauses for a second, sounding puzzled for a second, “You don’t have mine.“

“Oh, do I not?“ I reply with a sinister tone - thought to answer the question, I of course don’t have his number.

“Oh, do you?“ He sasses me right back. “If so then you don’t need me to send it to you. Cool.“

Ah, shit

“Wait, no! I-I need to confirm it’s the correct one!“

Damn, never did I think I’d be complimented by some of the most important streamers on this platform, but to get a number of theirs too? That’s a whole another level that will take me time to process. But I’ll do that another time, right now, I have to kick these people’s butts in Among Us and later I have some deep web stories to read.

Turns out, all it takes to get comfortable in a new surrounding is someone of your kind. And Corpse is definitely one of my kind.

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[naughtyneganjdm]

Just Not My Type

Summary: Negan and Y/N are best friends after he saved her when the Apocalypse first started. In their group, Negan is charmed by another woman and it leaves Y/N jealous because she is head over heels in love with Negan. Attempting to get his attention on her, she asks him to help her with something in hopes to get him to realize that he may like her more than he thought.

Characters: Negan, the reader (OC), Simon, Dwight, etc. 

Warnings: Swearing, smut, angst, arguing, Negan being an asshole, etc. 

Notes: Pre-warning, Negan is a bit of an asshole and is kind of cruel in this one. This was a request given to me. I'm not sure if people just like me writing asshole Negan or what, but I hope the person who asked for this is happy with it! I wrote this rather quickly. I hope it's at least okay!

“I don’t get it,” Negan grumbled beside Y/N while they walked through the wholesale store together. The rest of the group went off in separate areas of the store to look for supplies and they were supposed to be doing the same. There was a frustrated expression over Negan’s face and she felt a sense of disappointment. When the world fell to shit, Y/N pretty much gave up. It got to the point where she had no one in her life. A few months ago, she had found herself cornered by a group of savages and felt like it was the end of the world as she knew it. Somehow, Negan was passing by while in search of people and heard her getting attacked. He saved her. Just in time too. Since then she hadn’t left Negan’s side. They managed to find Dwight’s group together while lingering and looking for others. They had become somewhat of best friends since they found each other. The only problem was Y/N was head over heels in love with Negan. Unfortunately, Negan didn’t feel the same way. Instead, he seemed to be heavily enamored with Dwight’s wife Sherry. “What does she even see in Dwight? That scruffy looking motherfucker.”

“He’s the leader Negan,” she reminded him with a sigh knowing that his complaining was coming from his jealousy. “A lot of girls are into that kind of thing.”

“Yeah, but look at him and look at me,” Negan reasoned, throwing his hands up in the air while he clutched to the shotgun that was in his hands. “I’m fucking hot. He’s a scrawny little shit.”

“I don’t think she can help who she was married to before all this happened Negan. You’re right though, you’re better. All around,” Y/N agreed with him. She meant it. Obviously. She was in complete awe of the guy. One day she was hoping that he would just open his eyes and realize she was standing right there next to him for him to love. Many times in the past Negan had cracked jokes about her being hot so she thought maybe at some point she would have a chance with him. The longer she waited, the less likely it actually seemed. Maybe she wasn’t giving him the signs that she was interested. “Hey, I wanted to talk to you about something and since you’re a guy, I figured maybe you would have some advice.”

“Yeah?” Negan grunted, his head lowering enough to look between the shelves while he watched Dwight and Sherry together. “What’s on your mind?”

“Well, you see…there is this guy that I like,” Y/N explained with a sigh, clutching her rifle in her fingers. Her cheeks flushed over with red when Negan finally turned his head to look at her. The way his thick eyebrows bounced up showed that he was interested in what she was saying. “I’ve liked him for a while, but no matter how much I try I just can’t seem to get his attention.”

“Why not? You’re hot. Just tell him you’re interested,” Negan suggested and she looked away from him. Clearly that wasn’t in the playing cards and she would never have the guts to do something like that. “Who is it? Is it Simon?”

“Negan,” her face scrunched up when he suggested Simon who was someone they had just picked up in the group with Dwight. An amused breath fell from her throat and Negan threw his hands up in the air. “It’s not Simon. I’m not going to tell you who it is, but…I don’t think I could tell him that I’m interested in him. He has his eye on someone else.”

“Trust me, if you tell a guy now of all times that you are interested in him, he’s going to jump at the opportunity to get his dick sucked, I promise you that,” Negan grumbled and he could see that her face flushed over making him laugh. “What’s with the blushing? Sucking a dick isn’t such a big deal.”

“Well, there is one thing…” she took in a long shallow breath making Negan’s eyebrow arch up. God, she felt pathetic admitting this to him, but she couldn’t help it. “I kind of haven’t had sex before.”

“Come on,” Negan chuckled, taking a long look at her and he shook his head. The way he laughed made her embarrassed and he nudged her with his arm. The snort he released made her feel even worse about telling him. “How old are you?”

“Okay, forget it,” she rolled her eyes and went to move forward, but Negan quickly followed her not far behind. “Just pretend I didn’t say anything.”

“I’m not making fun of you, but you’re hot and most people lose their virginities too fucking young now so I just kind of figured you’re fucking with me,” Negan insisted, biting at his bottom lip as he spoke. Y/N still didn’t seem interested in talking to him and he let out a dramatic sound. “Okay, come on. You’ve done oral though, right?”

“Something tells me that I don’t want to be talking to you about this,” she replied feeling her throat tightening while Negan looked her over with amusement. “Seriously, I’m not the seductive type that can make a man want me.”

“Well that’s bullshit because you’re fucking beautiful and any man would be lucky to have you,” Negan corrected her reaching for something from the shelves. A grunt fell from his throat as he tossed it aside and let out a loud sigh. God, if only he actually meant that. “Just tell him you’re a virgin. He’ll want you immediately.”

“Virgins aren’t a lot of people’s things Negan,” she reminded him and Negan’s nose wrinkled when she said that.

“That’s bullshit. Every man loves the idea of taking someone’s innocence and purity away. They all like that shit,” Negan reached up to brush his fingers through his dark hair with his free hand. “You might not be the best fuck he’s ever had, but the idea of popping your cherry will turn him on and he’ll want to fuck you immediately.”

“I don’t really want to be a virgin when I go to him,” she whispered and Negan’s eyebrows tensed together as he looked her over with his big, hazel eyes. “I guess I kind of want to know what I’m doing with him by the time I tell him that I like him.”

“And how do you plan on losing that virginity of yours sweetheart? Slim pickings you know,” Negan snorted, the bridge of his nose wrinkling when he spoke. “Unless, I’m sure we can find you a good cucumber around here where you can…”

“Oh shut up,” she begged hearing his laughter filling the air at her reaction. Hitting him firmly in the chest, she walked off toward the back of the store and he quickly followed after her. Entering the area where they had more shelves in the back for storage, she surveyed through the items and sighed. “We should get people back here and have them get some of this. This is good stuff.”

“I’m not making fun of you. Okay? It’s just the way I talk,” Negan reached for her after setting his shotgun down and aside. “No one is going to turn you away for being a virgin. I promise you that and like I said, if you went to the guy and told him how you felt I guarantee that no matter who he had his eye on, he would change his mind quickly because you’re a catch Y/N. Trust me.”

“I wish that were true,” she felt him reaching up to cup her face and so badly she wished that Negan would have wanted her. That he would have wanted to be with her. “Since you’re my best friend you should do me the favor of helping me with the virginity problem.”

“Oh, you don’t want me to do that,” Negan snorted, stepping back and away from her. What started off as a joke actually ended up hurting her feeling unintentionally when Negan denied her. “First of all, we’re friends. That makes that shit weird. Second, I have a huge cock. I’m the last person you want to have sex with as a virgin.”

“I don’t think it’s that big,” she laughed and Negan let out a frustrated sound.

“When have you seen my penis?” Negan scoffed and she looked down toward his groin making him turn away from her when she did. “You have no idea how big my dick is. I’ve been a gentleman and I’ve never pulled it out in front of you.”

“I’m just saying, I can’t picture it being so big to the point that it would destroy me forever,” she mocked what he had said and Negan frowned after she said that. “I just think if I lose my virginity I’d like to lose it to someone I feel comfortable with. Someone that I know and trust.”

“You trust me and you feel comfortable with me?” Negan repeated what she said and she nodded. Licking over his bottom lip, he looked around the area in the back that they were at realizing that they were still alone. “How do you want to lose your virginity?”

“How should someone lose their virginity?” she inquired, her eyebrow arching up in curiosity and Negan laughed.

“On a mattress, in a nice comfortable set of sheets with the perfect mood and setting,” Negan stammered, waving his hand around in the air while he spoke. “Unfortunately since we’re on the road and there are no mattresses for the most part, that’s kind of fucking impossible. No matter how you lose it, it’s never going to be what you deserve. The dead walking is going to make sure of that.”

“In another world maybe,” she responded with a sigh as Negan reached for her rifle and set it aside. “What are you doing?”

“We’ll see,” Negan pulled her into a corner beyond a shelf and he began unbuckling his pants making her eyes get wide. “Get on your knees.”

“What?” she laughed, tilting her head to the side while she looked him over.

“You’ve never given a blowjob before and I could use one, so I’ll help you learn that,” Negan answered, reaching for her hands, leading them toward his pants and she let out a nervous sound. “I haven’t had a release for a very long time. So if you want to learn something to get his attention, I can help you learn that.”

“Shouldn’t we kiss or something? Get the mood started?” she suggested and Negan grinned when she said it. Negan’s jaw flexed and she placed her hands over the center of his broad chest.

“The idea of getting my dick sucked already has the mood started,” Negan answered with a grunt, reaching for her palm to lead her to cup him in her hand through the denim of his jeans. “When you go to him, palm over his body with a sense of confidence. Caress over this area and rub. Wait until you feel him start to get hard and then squeeze at the length of his cock. How many men have you kissed?”

“A few?” her throat was dry while she brushed the length of her palm over Negan’s body. The way his eyes closed made her heart skip a beat before the pace of it began to pick up. A deep, raspy moan escaped Negan’s throat when she felt his body starting to harden against her touch.

“That doesn’t sound very convincing,” Negan dragged his tongue over his bottom lip and he reached out to draw his hand out over the side of her neck. His fingers hooked around the back of her neck to draw her in closer to him. The sound of her nervous breaths filled the air and Negan smirked. “Don’t be nervous. You trust me, remember?”

Before she could respond, Negan’s lips collided with hers causing her to fall in closer to him. The way he kissed her took her breath away and she eagerly kissed him back. With Negan stroking his thumb over her jawline, she found herself falling deeper into the kiss. A warmth pooled at her core and she was swooning, bad. Negan had no idea that he was the man she was in love with. This to her was like a dream come true. A breath hitched in her throat allowing a quick flick of Negan’s tongue over hers and she returned the gesture hearing him hum when she did it.

“You’ve got something going with the kissing,” he breathed against her lips, his eyes hooked on hers when he pulled back to stare at her. Leaning in, he dragged his tongue over her bottom lip hearing her whimper when he did it. Growling as Y/N squeezed at his body, Negan looked down between them and panted. “Take it out.”

“You sure?” she confirmed with him and Negan snorted.

“I’m not the innocent one here,” Negan responded with a grunt while she started to pull apart his belt. Negan leaned his left arm against the wall while watching her fingers fumbling to get the button apart. As her fingers dragged down the zipper, he closed his eyes tightly when her mouth pressed in over his jaw. The soft kisses she pressed over his jaw and toward his neck made him groan out loud. When she kissed at his earlobe and bit softly at it, it caused a shudder to fill his body. Keeping his right hand at the base of her throat, Negan stroked his thumb over the center of it and could see her lowering her head as she got his pants apart. Reaching down, she grabbed the waistband of his boxer briefs and pulled down to allow his semi-erect cock to spring free into the cool air. Immediately she reached out to wrap her palm around the shaft of his body, caressing up and down slowly. “You can be a bit rough with it. You won’t break it…”

Negan licked his lips lowering his hand that was around her neck to adjust the grip she had on his body while urging her to pump her hand over his body in a different way. Teasing his flesh over his body, Y/N could feel her body attempting to tremble, but she was doing her best to keep it together. Negan’s eyes were on her like a hawk while she touched him. When his cock was completely solid in her palm, she licked her lips and watched Negan’s nod down toward his body.

Lowering down to her knees, she felt a rush of panic filling her body. If she was awful at this, that would be what Negan remembered her for. This was very brave of her to do in the first place considering Negan was the man she was swooning over.

“It’s big, right?” Negan affirmed with her and she looked up at him with expressive eyebrows.

“With the way you were talking I was expecting a foot long,” she teased, a smile sneaking in over the corner of her lips and Negan rolled his eyes.

“That’s impossible and if it is possible, no one wants that,” Negan grunted reaching down to squeeze at the thick base of his cock. “I can say with confidence that I know I have a thick, above average sized uncut cock and I know for a fact that in your virgin pussy…it would still hurt.”

“I figure if you were good with it, it wouldn’t hurt much…right?” she confirmed watching his eyebrows arch up when she said that. Sitting up straighter on her knees, she went to lean forward, but Negan stopped her and reached out to slide his thumb in over her bottom lip.

“Take this into your mouth first,” Negan ordered, watching her lips part for him and he pushed his thumb between her lips. Softly, she sucked at his thumb before twisting her tongue around it making him hum in approval. “Good girl. Make sure to vary with your tongue, your mouth and hand. If you use all three, you’ll have the guy of your dreams buckling at the knees.”

“Yes sir,” she purred making Negan release a muted moan when she said it like she did. There was no doubt she was uncomfortable. She was on the spot and as Negan’s fingers sank into her hair, she knew it was now or never. Keeping a firm hold on his body, she took the tip of his cock into her mouth and heard him sigh heavily. It caused him to drop his head back and lick his lips. Dragging her tongue over the head of his cock felt so dirty, but she wanted to make an impression. Licking at his body, in long drawn out motions caused his grip on her hair to get tighter.

“Hollow your cheeks and drag your tongue against my cock when you pull back,” Negan grunted pushing her down his length only to allow her to pull her head back. Leading the motion a few times, Negan could tell that she understood what he wanted and attempted to repeat what he had showed her. “Very good sweetheart.”

Taking time to do what he asked of her, she could feel his hips pumping up toward her throat and she tried to focus on not gagging. Occasionally it would happen and she couldn’t stop it from being that way. When she took him as far in her throat as she could, Negan braced himself against the wall and whimpered.

“Fuck me,” he breathed out, his eyes hooking with hers and he smiled. “You’re really going all in, aren’t you?”

“I just want to make you happy,” she pulled her lips from his body with a wet sound and jerked her palm over his body that was covered in her own saliva. Kissing at the base of his cock, she kept her eyes hooked on his and shrugged. “I want to give you everything you want.”

There was something different in Negan’s face as he seemed to think about something. Going back to try to pleasure him, she gasped when she felt him tugging her back up to her feet. Licking her lips, she gave him a shocked expression and bit at her bottom lip, “Did I do something wrong?”

Quickly moving her, Negan turned her toward the shelves and reached for her hands to force them onto one of them. Shoving her pants down her legs, Negan stood behind her and pumped his hand over his length. Keeping his hand on her neck, he could hear her panicked breaths and he stepped forward. Dragging the tip of his cock through her wet folds, he heard her cry out as he did it.

“You’re fucking soaked,” Negan released himself and palmed in over her mound. She was shaking and Negan felt a chill run down his spine. Teasing his fingers over the length of her sex was his way of testing her. Circling his fingertips over her entrance, he waited until her breathing was uneven and then pressed his middle finger inside of her. The sound she made caused his cock to twitch with excitement. With how tight she was around his fingers, Negan found himself completely in awe with her. “You really are a virgin, huh?”

She didn’t have to say anything. It was obvious. Nodding, she tried to keep herself steady on her legs while Negan thrust his finger inside of her. When he added another finger, she found the sensation completely foreign and to be honest kind of uncomfortable. Clutching to the shelves, she bit down extremely hard on her bottom lip. Probably too hard.

When Negan’s fingers pulled from her body, it felt strange. The sound of Negan spitting was heard behind her and she looked over her shoulder to see Negan caressing over his length. Before she could respond, Negan was grabbing a hold of her hips, positioning her where he wanted her. Pressing his cock to her entrance, he kept an exceedingly tight grasp with his left hand on her hip while his right kept a hold of his erection.

Thrusting forward, the sound of her cry filled the air when he entered her and it was like music to his ears. The moan he let out the moment her tight body parted for him was loud enough for others to hear if they were near. Reaching around her, she pressed her hand in over Negan’s hips knowing that she wanted this, but this wasn’t exactly how she pictured losing her virginity to Negan. Taking a moment, Negan seemed to respect that she needed some time to get used to what he had put inside of her before he started to thrust his body into her time and time again.

“Fuck sweetheart,” Negan growled, lowering in closer to her so he could rest his jaw over her shoulder. Lifting his hands, he hooked his fingers with hers and heard the smacks of their skin filtering into the air while he fucked her from behind. Nuzzling his nose against the back of her neck, Negan grunted and found himself loving the firm grip her body had around his body. “You may just have the tightest pussy I’ve ever had.”

“Negan,” she cried out his name knowing that they weren’t being quiet. If someone were to come back there, it would be obvious what they were doing. The fullness she had with his cock inside of her was foreign and she was doing her best to enjoy it. It was more so the idea of who she was with that was drawing her to try and enjoy things. When he pressed his full length into her, she involuntarily reached back to push into his hip to try to get him back. “Too much.”

“It’s not too much. We just have to get you to relax,” Negan breathed against her ear, nipping at her earlobe when he reached around with his right hand to caress his fingers over her clitoris making her whine when he did it. Taking his time to work his caress over her sensitive bundle of her nerves, Negan loved the sounds he was drawing from her. When her cries became more of those of pleasure, he started rolling his hips again. “There we go.”

Within time things started feeling better as Negan angled his hips differently. She was doing her best to stay up on her legs while Negan continued to rock his hips into hers. The deep plunges his body made inside of her made her bite at her bottom lip and her soft cries filled the air. Using that as encouragement, Negan quickened the caress of his fingertips over her body and thrust his hips at the same pace.

“Let it happen,” Negan whispered when he could sense that she was holding back. “Cum for daddy.”

“Negan,” she shuddered, lowering her head and Negan grasped tightly to her body to keep her steady while he continued his motions through her orgasm. The room was spinning around her, her thighs convulsing. It didn’t stop Negan’s movements and his mouth peppered kisses over her neck. When his sharp winces followed, she could feel the pulsating of his body inside of her. It was a strange feeling but when he began to empty himself into her, she found herself panicked.

Every muscle in Negan’s body was flexing behind her. He was pressed up against her back until he finished with his orgasm. Taking a moment to stand there for them, Negan chuckled and bit firmly at the side of her neck. Looking down, Negan very slowly pulled his softening cock from her body. The dripping sounds of their fluids hitting the floor were heard and he let out a proud breath.

“Hold onto the shelves so you don’t fall,” Negan suggested as he began to pull his pants back up over his body. Pushing his cock back into his boxer briefs, Negan squeezed over his body and could see her resting her head forward against the shelves. She was still shaking and the sounds she was making showed that she was trying to catch her breath. Helping her pull her pants back up her body, Negan led her toward one of the pallets to get her to sit down and she winced. “You’re going to hurt for a while, but welcome to the world of normal. You don’t have to worry about being a virgin anymore.”

Reaching out, he urged her eyes to his and gave an arrogant bob of his head, “No one will ever be the first man to have you or to give you your first orgasm. It will always be me. I hope you always think of me with your future lovers.”

When Negan lowered in closer to her, she reached up to draw her hand over the side of his face to pull her to him. A pleased sound escaped Negan’s lips as she kissed him in a long drawn out motion, “You’re welcome…”

“Negan,” she swallowed down, pushing her forehead to his when she thought about what they did. “Should you have pulled out?”

“Nah, unfortunately I can’t have kids,” Negan informed her with a wince as he pulled his belt back together. There was a sense of sadness in her eyes as Negan shrugged his shoulders. “I tried for fucking ever before all of this to have children with Lucille. It never worked. I’m like a hundred percent certain I’m sterile.”

“Oh,” she didn’t know how to respond and Negan shrugged his shoulders. It didn’t seem to bother him that much and she bit down on her bottom lip. “Was that okay?”

“Oh yeah,” Negan reached out to squeeze at her shoulder in a supportive grasp. “I’m going to go get someone to tell them about the supplies back here. I’ll be right back.”

Nodding, Y/N lowered her head when Negan left and she swallowed down hard. Part of her was happy that Negan was her first, but the other part of her wasn’t exactly happy with how it happened. It also didn’t seem like it meant much to Negan where as it meant everything to her. Their group came in the back to get the supplies and a few of them took notice of how she seemed to be different while she sat there. Negan explained that she got ‘injured’. Other than that they didn’t really expand upon what happened. It certainly was hard to move around after what happened, so the walk back to the campsite wasn’t exactly the best.

At nightfall, Y/N had taken her sleeping bag down by the water to sit by the fire. She wanted some time to think about things alone. By asking Negan to take her virginity, she felt like she was being obvious in telling him that he was the one that she liked. Unfortunately, it didn’t really resonate with Negan that’s where she was headed with things. Pulling her legs up closer to her chest, she heard the sound of someone moving in beside her and she huffed when she saw it was Negan with his sleeping bag underneath his arm.

“Why are you taking off from the rest of the group?” Negan pondered, sitting down with Y/N after he laid out his sleeping bag beside her. The group was very far off in the distance nowhere near the water and his eyes surveyed her over carefully. “You know you shouldn’t be alone. One of the dead could come out of nowhere and gnaw on you.”

“I’m not sure that would really bother anyone,” she chuckled and Negan frowned as he leaned in to rest his head on her shoulder.

“It would bother me for sure. You’re my best friend here,” Negan reminded her and let out a hesitant breath. “In fact, I feel like you’re the only person that can stand me right now.”

“Well people are stupid and they don’t know what they’re missing out on,” she reached out to pat him on the thigh and he tilted his head to the side. “I just needed some time to myself to think about things. You didn’t have to come down here if you didn’t want to.”

“I wanted to,” Negan assured her, dropping back against the sleeping bags. Stretching out his body, Negan looked up at the sky and urged her to lay back with him. “I’m sorry I kind of fucked up your first time. I got carried away.”

“It wasn’t fucked up,” she retorted with sigh as she rested back on the sleeping bag. Negan reached for her hand to grab a hold of it and she felt him bringing it up to his lips to press a kiss over the back of it. “I’m sure with this day in age, it was a decent one.”

“Maybe we should have a do-over,” Negan stated, his expression staying the same while he looked up at the stars. Looking over at Negan, her eyes narrowed and he offered up a bright smile. “Maybe pretend that now is your first time. Under the stars, beside the fire. That sounds more like the right way to do things.”

“Stop, they could see us,” she laughed and Negan shook his head. “Plus, you don’t want to do that again.”  

“I actually totally do. Also, they only care about themselves,” Negan sat up and reached for his shirt to pull it from his body. Tossing the material aside, he saw her eyes surveying over his slender form. Starting to undo his pants, Negan got the rest of his clothes off except for his boxer briefs and urged her up onto her knees. “I think it’s only right to do after I fucked up so bad earlier. Don’t be shy now. We fucked in that store and everyone could have heard us.”

“To be fair, I never thought it would be going that far,” she reminded him and watched as Negan undid his sleeping back to spread it completely out.

He did the same with hers before helping to get her out of her clothes. It seemed like Negan didn’t give a shit if anyone saw them as he tugged down his boxer briefs. Yet the whole time the only thing she could think about was the rest of their group seeing them. When Negan leaned her back against the sleeping bag, she watched him pull the sleeping bag in over him as he lowered down over her making her let out a shuddering breath.  

“See, now we’re hidden enough for you,” Negan lowered himself over her, bracing himself on his elbows. Dipping down, his lips pressed in over hers and he could feel her palms sliding up over the length of his back. Bracing his weight on his left arm, Negan reached down between them and heard the nervous sound she let out. “You’re already been through the hard part. It won’t get any worse than that moment.”

“It’s still very new for me,” she swallowed down and Negan smiled, lowering his forehead to hers. Instead of going right into it like he had planned, she could feel him touching and caressing her to get her prepared. Lifting up, she kissed him and was eager to have some kind of bond between them. The fact that Negan was willing to do this again was a good thing she thought. That meant maybe he felt for her the way she felt for him. It just took what happened at the store for things to work out. Pulling her mouth from his, she stared him in the eyes and stroked over the side of his face. “You are an amazing man.”

Instead of responding, Negan snickered and his nose wrinkled. Shuddering, she felt Negan reaching between them again. Tracing his tip through her folds, Negan took his time to watch her reaction to it. When she was shaking, Negan took that as initiative to lead his body toward her entrance. Pushing his hips forward, he heard her whimper out and his forehead creased. His jaw lowered and he braced his palms beside her when he entered her fully.

“Fuck,” Negan grunted, lowering his head to nuzzle his nose against her neck. Clutching to Negan’s hair she could feel his thrusts were more careful and drawn out. Much like he had said that he wanted to do. The closeness of their bodies underneath the sleeping bags as well as doing this under the night sky was perfect. This was so good that it almost felt like dream of hers because she would have never pictured having Negan like this. Negan’s head lifted and he stared down at her trying to see if she was enjoying what they were doing. “Better?”

“Much,” she whimpered when he started to quicken the rolling of his hips toward her. Kissing Negan in this position was so much better than earlier in the day. The way he was looking at her, touching her and making sure that every movement was to her liking was amazing. “Negan…”

“Shh…enjoy the moment,” Negan hummed against her lips before sliding his lips to her jawline to press wet kisses over her flesh.

Compared to their first time together, this was exceedingly better. When they had finished Negan had held her in his arms until both of them had fallen asleep. That’s how it had been multiple times after that moment. They would spend all of their time together hanging out and would fall into each other most nights.

Even though he hadn’t said it or they hadn’t really acknowledged it, things felt like they were dating. That’s how close they often were. It was special for Y/N because she felt like she was getting to have a relationship with Negan and she cared greatly for him.

After some time, Negan had won over the trust of the group they were in and people had started looking to Negan instead of Dwight to be in charge after some close calls. It was nice getting to see Negan get the attention that he deserved for saving people and she was proud of him, but it meant getting to spend less time with him.

While she sat sitting alone to herself, she wished she would see Negan since it was her birthday. Reading through the latest book that she had found, she let out a gasp when someone hopped down beside her. A bright smile spread over her features when she realized it was Negan beside her. His dimples sank in when he saw that he had shocked her and he chuckled.

Negan reached inside of his pocket to pull out a cupcake that was wrapped in a package. Ripping it open, Negan held his hand up to motion her to wait a moment as he pulled out a candle to stick it in the middle. She couldn’t help, but giggle when he did it and her eyes connected with his, “What is this?”

“It’s not a homemade cake, but it’s the best I could do right now. I had to pocket this the moment I found it just for this moment,” Negan’s eyebrows arched and he could see that she was shocked with the gesture. A proud smile was over Negan’s face knowing how touched she seemed to be by it. Reaching into his pocket he grabbed the lighter and lit the candle before holding it out close to her. “It’s your birthday. Make a wish.”

“You remembered?” she confirmed and Negan nodded, his face scrunching when she seemed surprised. “This is incredibly nice Negan.”

“The wind is going to blow out the candle and then your wish is going to go completely out the window,” Negan teased and she chuckled before doing as he asked of her. After she blew out the candle, Negan could see that her eyes closed and he took advantage. Moving in to kiss her, he felt her shocked against the movement and when they parted Negan let out an amused breath. “Now what was your other wish?”

“God,” she rolled her eyes, letting out a laugh when Negan moved in to kiss her a few more times playfully.  Raising his finger, Negan motioned her to wait as he went over to his bag that was in the distance. Noticing that he had an old Polaroid camera in his hand she could see him swiftly moving toward her. “What is that?”

“I hid these when I picked them up so no one knew I had the good stuff,” Negan looked over his shoulder to make sure they were alone. Wrapping his arm around her shoulders, he pulled her in closer to him and cuddled his head up next to hers. “We’re going to take one…so smile…”

Quickly rising up the Polaroid camera, Negan leaned in to press a kiss in over her cheek to snap a photo of the two of them together. When it came out, he handed it over to her to hold before attempting to take another one. For this one she reached out with her free hand to press in over his chin to pull him closer to her so she could kiss his cheek. Snorting, he grabbed the next photo that came out and went to put the camera back in his bag.

“Now that one is yours…and this one is mine,” Negan waved the photo to try and get it to develop faster and a chuckle fell from his throat. Dropping down beside her again, Negan made sure that he was close to her and could see that she was eyeing over the photo. “What do you think?”

“I think you’re cute,” her eyes met Negan’s. He was watching her closely clearly trying to read how she was feeling. “You know how much I care about you, right?”

“Of course I do,” Negan winked and nudged her playfully with his elbow, “You’re my best friend.”

“I think we’re a bit beyond best friends,” she suggested and Negan shrugged his shoulders before looking down to the photo he had taken for himself.

“I have one more thing that I have planned for tonight,” Negan started to talk to only hear someone call out to him and he looked over his shoulder to see someone in the group waving him down. “Being the leader now sucks because you can’t get ten seconds to fucking breathe, but go to apartment two-c in about two hours, okay? I have some things I have to talk about with the rest of the guys.”

“Why?” her nose wrinkled and Negan hopped up from where he was sitting. He slid his picture that he had into his pocket and looked back toward the person that was waving him down again.

��It’s a birthday thing, so just do it,” Negan ordered, snapping his fingers at her and she shrugged her shoulders. She was completely enamored with Negan and loved him. There was no doubt in that. Whatever he had planned, he seemed pretty proud of, so it excited her.

Waiting those two hours, she headed to the apartment building that they had set up outside of. Moving inside, she went upstairs to the second floor and found the room that he had asked her to come to. Pushing open the door, she let out a nervous sound and saw that he had candles lit in the apartment making her chuckle.

“Negan?” she called out looking in the bedroom hoping to find Negan there when she couldn’t find him in the rest of the apartment. There was a box on the bed that said open me written on it.

Moving forward, she grabbed a hold of it and saw that there was a keychain inside of it. Picking it up, she saw that it was one that had stars on it with the words ‘you are my shining star’ on it. A laugh fell from her throat when she looked it over and ran her thumb over the front of it. She wondered if he had grabbed it for her since the second time that they were together they had done it under the stars together and he made a rather big deal about it.

The sound of something knocking over was heard in the bathroom and she looked over her shoulder toward it. Going to the door, she pushed it open slowly to hear the sounds of loud breaths filling the air. When her eyes fell upon what was inside, she felt her heart breaking.

Negan had Sherry propped up against the sink and her arms were hooked around Negan’s shoulders. Negan’s pants were at his ankles while he thrust his hips up toward her again and again. There was a sinking feeling in her gut while Sherry’s cries filled the small bathroom. Stepping back, Y/N headed for the door and felt her chest aching. She knew that Negan had originally had a thing for Sherry, but she thought at this point after weeks of them being together that Negan actually liked her. For some reason she pictured in her mind that they were dating and they were together. With all the time they had been spending together and the way that Negan had been treating her she just thought more was going on.

Why would he tell her to come to the apartment? Was he planning on hurting her the whole time? All she knew was that she was hurt and broken hearted after what she saw. There was an overwhelming amount of emotions flooding over her as she made it back outside and went to sit on the brick wall that surrounded the apartment building they were at.

About twenty minutes later, she heard someone calling out her name and she glanced over her shoulder to see that Negan was moving out toward her. Ignoring him, she adjusted her position back to where she was before. She hated him right now and with how upset she was, she didn’t even want to see his face.

“You will never guess what just happened,” Negan hopped up on the brick wall with her. There a giant smile spread out over his features, but when he saw her crying he let out a tense breath. A nervous laugh fell from Negan’s throat when he looked her over. “What’s wrong? What happened?”

“Something tells me we’re both reacting over the same thing,” she responded looking at the keychain that was in her hand that Negan had obviously found for her. Lifting her head, her eyes connected with his and she could see that he was genuinely confused. “You’re such an asshole.”

“What?” Negan stammered, a grunt falling from his throat when she slid down from the wall. A moment later she threw the keychain at him and it hit him in the center of the chest before falling into his lap. “Why are you acting like this?”

“I’m so stupid,” she walked off in the distance toward the field that was to the left of the apartment building. Negan hopped down to follow her toward the woods where she was headed. When she got a bit ahead, she felt Negan grabbing a hold of her wrist to tug her back to him. “She doesn’t even like you. You know that? She only fucked you because now you have power. Before people started looking up to you she didn’t even look at you.”

“This is about Sherry?” Negan confirmed with a snort and he watched her folding her arms out in front of her chest. Looking down at the keychain, he held it up and shrugged his shoulders. “She saw me heading into the building and then followed me I guess. I was setting up the thing for your birthday and…”

Negan looked down at the keychain that was in his hand and he lifted his gaze to hers, “Didn’t like your gift?”

“It lost its special meaning when I saw the two of you together,” she tried to leave, but she felt Negan forcing her against one of the trees that was behind her to keep her in place. Wincing, she could feel the bark scraping her arm and Negan loosened his grip when he realized he had hurt her. “Let me go Negan. I don’t want anything to do with you anymore."

“You’re my best friend,” Negan reminded her and his eyebrows bounced up. A laugh fell from her throat when she started crying again and it was clear that Negan was sincerely confused which made this worse. “I don’t understand why you are acting this way? I thought you would be happy for me. You know how I felt about Sherry. I don’t get why you are acting like this.”

“Which makes this so much worse Negan. You really are just a massive piece of shit aren’t you?” she shoved into his chest and Negan let out a grunt when she hit him. She hit him a few more times in the chest and Negan stared down at her with a shocked expression. “I can’t believe I saw more in you than there actually was. I don’t want anything to do with you anymore. I hate you.”

“Now is not the time to be a bitch to me when I’m in charge,” Negan muttered as she started to walk away and Negan’s eyebrows were furrowed when she turned on her heel to look back at him. “You decide to do this to me when things start going right for me? Are you jealous?”

“Wow,” she let out a shocked sound when Negan threw the keychain he had gotten her aside in the dirt. “You think this is me jealous that you are in charge now? You are so blind and stupid if that’s really where you think is coming from.”

There was a moment of silence between them and she reached up to wipe at her face. Shaking her head, she moved to leave him and Negan grabbed her again, pulling her to him. A gasp fell from her throat when she fell into his chest and Negan grabbed a tight hold of her jaw. Digging his fingers into her jaw, he forced her to look at him and he felt her fighting to get out of his grasp until he demanded her attention with the way he grabbed a hold of her.

“I would highly rethink anything you are considering doing or saying to me in the next few minutes,” Negan warned her and he could feel her tears against his fingertips while he turned her head to the side. “I’ve been good to you when I didn’t need to be, so I’d show a little gratitude toward me if you want to still be part of my life.”

Trying to pull herself from his grasp, she winced when his fingers dug deeper into her flesh. The way his angry eyes were hooked on her made her heart hammer inside of her chest. How could he be so oblivious to the fact that she was in love with him and she thought they were actually dating?

Finally, he released her with a shove and it caused her to stumble over her feet making her fall to the ground. Negan stood before her, his eyes narrowing while she slowly pulled herself up into a sitting position on the ground. Rubbing at the side of her face where he had been grabbing her, she felt the tears continue to burn at her eyes knowing that Negan had turned out to be everything that she thought he wasn’t.

Getting up from the ground, she said nothing more and started walking away from Negan toward where her things were. The sound Negan let out showed that he was angry with her for just walking away instead of saying anything more. That night when they were all surrounded by the fire for dinner she had seen Negan glaring out at her and she tried to avoid eye contact with him. It broke her that instead of understanding that he hurt her, he just assumed that she was jealous of him becoming the leader of the group.

After that night, things progressed quickly for Negan. They had found The Sanctuary and Negan had built his team of Saviors. At some point Y/N had thought that Negan would eventually realize what happened and he would come to her to talk to her, but he never did. They never talked after that moment and when he would be around he would never acknowledge her. Somehow she had ended up being one of his lower ranked Saviors and watching Negan marry woman after woman hurt. Especially considering the special circumstances that he hadn’t even clearly known about with her.

Multiple times she had tried to get a meeting with him through Simon. The first few times Simon had seen if Negan would talk to her, but every single time Simon would come back and tell her that Negan didn’t want to talk to her or he was too busy.

After getting pretty desperate she had gone to Negan’s office one night hoping to be able to talk to Negan about some things. She wouldn’t have done if it wasn’t absolutely necessary, but she knew that she had to talk to him. Going at night she assumed that he would be alone, but she let out a disappointed sound when she saw Simon standing near the door talking to Negan. When she made it near the door, Simon heard her steps and the look he gave her when he saw her made him let out a disappointed sound.

“I told you, he doesn’t have time to talk to you,” Simon grunted, stepping into the hallway to reach for her arm to tug her away from the door. “If you have a question, you can come to me later and I will answer it for you.”

“Simon, I get it. I just need to talk to him, okay?” she looked to the door to see Negan sitting at the desk with an amused expression. Instead of being the laid back man she had grown to love, his once messy hair was now slicked back and he had an arrogant smile over his features. “It’s important.”

“Nothing is important enough for you to continuously ignore what I’ve been telling you,” Simon grunted, shoving her toward the railing that surrounded the second floor for people to look down to the first. “You don’t get to just demand time with Negan. If Negan wants to talk to you, he’ll come to you. It doesn’t work the other way around.”

“Negan, please…” she looked beyond Simon toward Negan that was watching the two of them together. It seemed like he was amused with what was happening and she felt her heart breaking knowing that this was a man she was once close to. “I just…”

“I said fuck off,” Simon shoved her again before reaching for her wrist to grasp a tight hold of it. It made her wince with how hard he was holding onto it. The yank he gave her made her cry out as he pulled her away from Negan’s office. “I’ll be right back boss man. This one can’t seem to take a hint.”

“I just have to talk to him about something important,” she tried to reason, but Simon continued to drag her toward the steps to go to the first floor even knowing that her room was on the second floor.

“How many times have I fucking told you no? Huh?” Simon tugged her and she felt her chest aching while he glared down angrily at her. “Maybe some time in one of the dark rooms will make you realize what you’re doing wrong.”

“Simon,” Negan’s voice boomed in behind them and Simon looked over his shoulder to see that Negan was standing in the doorway. “I’ll give her five minutes.”

“Kneel,” Simon ordered with Negan standing before them and when she didn’t she felt Simon digging into her shoulder to get her to lower down. When she didn’t bow for him, Simon forced her to lower her head and Negan’s laugh filled the air. In the past if someone would have manhandled her like that she was certain that Negan would have kicked their ass and not thought twice about it, but now he was laughing. In the past he had saved her more times that she cared to admit, but now he was just as bad as the men he had saved her from if not worse. When Negan started heading back toward his office, Simon allowed her to get up and he shoved her toward the office. When Simon pushed her inside, Negan waved his fingers in the air for Simon to shut the door and Simon obeyed.

Watching Negan saunter over to his seat, she felt her throat going dry as he set Lucille against the side of the desk and then dropped down in his seat. Finally, Negan’s eyes met hers and he simply shrugged his shoulders, “What’s so damn important that you’ve tried to force yourself in here multiple times?”

“We just…we need to talk,” she informed him and Negan gave her a dramatic expression as if motioning her to continue. “I know I upset you a few months ago, but you’ve been avoiding me and refuse to talk to me. I didn’t know how to talk to you. I didn’t think you would just straight up pretend like I didn’t even exist anymore.”

“You don’t to me,” Negan interrupted her, his eyebrows arching up as he spoke and he bit into his bottom lip. “You’re just someone that exists to make the process of this place continue to work. You understand? You’re a resource.”

“That’s not how things used to be,” she swallowed down hard and saw the way that Negan gave her a sideways glance.

“What are you trying to say?” Negan laughed, propping his feet up on his desk while Y/N stared out at him. “I really haven’t had the time to hang out if that’s what you’re talking about. I know we were close before I became the leader, but things change. You know?”

“I know that and I understand that. I know you’re busy,” she knew that she didn’t want to fight with him. She just had to talk to him and tell him something. “What I kind of have to talk about was around that time when were in that wholesale store together.”

She hoped in reminding him of their time together, he would actually start to look at her in a better light. Negan clasped his hands together in his lap. An arrogant smile tugged at his lips when his eyebrows tensed together.

“You’re talking about when I fucked you and took your virginity?” Negan responded and she felt her heart sink when he said it like that that. Nodding, she bit at her bottom lip and sighed heavily. Having him talk like that caused her face to flush over and he acted like it was no big deal. “What about it? Are you just looking to knock booty again?”

“No, there are just a few things about that time that I think we need to talk about. I think I need to be honest with you about something from back then and then you should know something kind of important,” she realized that this was going to be hard because she had never been fully honest with Negan in the past things about things because she was nervous how he would react. “See...that day I told you that I liked someone, I wasn’t completely honest with you because it was you that I liked Negan. I was just nervous to tell you. I didn’t know how you would handle it, so I said what I did. You were the person that I really wanted to be with.”

“Well that’s a smart way to get someone to fuck you if they are the person you are attracted to,” Negan’s face scrunched up and he sat there waiting for her to say something more. “And?”

“I just kind of thought after that moment in the wholesale store that the two of us were dating,” she explained, her voice stammering as she spoke. It was hard to keep eye contact with Negan because his blank stare was almost making her feel small. “We were always together. You kept doing nice things and we were together…a lot. So when I saw you with Sherry on my birthday...”

The smile slowly faded from Negan’s features and his eyebrows bounced up, “That’s why you were a bitch toward me.”

“Within reason I think,” she muttered and Negan snorted before starting to laugh. Negan lowered his head and pinched at the bridge of his nose.

“Well, your actions make sense now that I know you were jealous over me fucking Sherry on your birthday,” Negan almost added emphasis to his words to dig the knife deeper. It made her shift on her feet uncomfortable and he dragged his tongue over his bottom lip. “I don’t know what made you think we were dating though.”

“It was the way you were with me, the things you said,” she recalled how amazing he had been with her after they had slept together the second time.

“Did I ever say we were dating?” Negan inquired, his face turning somewhat red as he stared out at her. Lowering her head, she felt stupid when he said that and realized that he was trying to dig things in harder. “Speak when you are spoken to. Answer me. Did I ever say we were dating?”

“No,” she answered, her eyes burning with the way he was talking to her.

“No, I didn’t,” Negan repeated with a scowl and he dropped his feet down from the desk to place his hands out over the top of it. “In order for people to be dating, you both have to kind of acknowledge it, right?”

“Negan…” she felt a tear sliding down the side of her face and she tried to think of something to say, but was lost for words.

“Right?!” Negan demanded her response and she bit at her bottom lip.

“Right,” she repeated what he wanted her to say.

“So if someone was at fault for thinking there was something more between us…was it me? Or was it you?” Negan grunted and she felt like her body was on fire while he continued to belittle her. The sound of his hand slamming against the top of his desk was heard and it made her jump. “If you continue to avoid answering my questions…”

“It was my fault,” she whispered and even though she didn’t want to be she felt tears sliding down her face. More than anything she wanted to act like this wasn’t bothering her, but it was.

“So I didn’t deserve you treating me like that? Did I?” Negan snapped, but she refused to look at him. Standing up from the desk, Negan moved around and reached for her jaw to force her eyes to connect with his.

“No, you didn’t,” she told him what he wanted to hear and he nodded slowly. The way his jaw was flexing made her uncomfortable. “I just thought after that day you might try to talk to me, but the more power you got the more things changed. You married multiple women and…”

“Get to the point. You’re boring me at this point,” Negan rolled his eyes and firmly released her jaw to move back toward his desk to sit on the edge of it.

“I don’t know, I just thought you might have missed me,” she looked down at herself knowing that she may have not been as much of a looker as she was when they first got together. Things had been rough with being one of his lower level saviors. Her clothes weren’t great and it wasn’t like Negan provided her with things that would draw her to be appealing to him. “That what we had might have been special to you and you would have eventually asked me to…”

“Oh, I see,” Negan chuckled realizing where she was going with this. “You think that the two of us have some kind of connection. You think we have a bond.”

She said nothing, but Negan had a rumble of laughter fall from his throat and he grasped tightly to the edge of the desk, “Back then, I hadn’t had sex since before Lucille died. I would have stuck my cock in any hole that was asking and you were pretty much begging. Now that I’m in charge, I have girls lining up to be my wife. They like the benefits. They like the power. I get to fuck any pussy that I want. I’m not desperate like I was then.”

“Desperate?” she repeated his words and he smiled brightly while nodding once. “So are you saying that I’m not someone that you would want to be with?”

“You’re just not my type,” Negan grunted in almost a vicious tone, his nose wrinkling when he looked her over. “I fucked you because you were there. We didn’t have a bond. We didn’t have something special and I’m honored that your little crush was on me, but what did you expect when you came in here today? That I was going to admit to you that my feelings were the same and I would beg you to be one of my wives too? I didn’t even make you one of my higher up saviors. Fuck, I haven’t even thought about you since that day you got upset with me. Now if you want to fuck again, I’ll consider it, but other than that...I think we’re done here.”

“Okay,” she felt her bottom lip trembling hearing that from Negan she was pretty much undesirable to him. “There is something though…”

“Can’t you take a hint?” Negan growled, his voice getting raspy as he continued to speak. “What does it take to get through that thick skull of yours that I’m not fucking interested? I never was. I never will be and there is nothing you can do to change that. If you want me to fuck you, get over here and bend over the desk and I’ll fuck you if it makes you feel better.”

Gradually Negan pulled apart his belt and opened up his pants, “If it makes you stop bothering me and my men, I’m willing to do it. To leave you on a fucking high since you’re pretty much obsessed with me. You can think of it as a gift from me. Otherwise…piss off.”

“Wow,” she let out a shocked sound when Negan pulled his jacket from his shoulders and tossed it to the couch that was in the corner of his office. Negan unzipped his pants and pushed them down his hips making her let out a disgusted breath. “Do you really think I’m that pathetic that I would want to fuck you after everything you just said to me?”

There was a long silence between them. A smirk pressed in over Negan’s features and his right eyebrow arched up, “Yes? Yes, I do.”

“Being in charge really changed you, didn’t it? You’re not the person that saved me. That was a good man. The man you are now…” she felt her heart hammering inside of her chest with how angry she was at Negan.

“You have no idea the man I was. I was lonely and would have saved anyone at the time to make sure that I had someone with me. Fuck girl. You knew from the start that I had a thing for Sherry. You were just a pussy for me until I got what I really wanted,” Negan looked down toward his body and he grabbed a firm hold of his member. “I bet I was the last person to fuck you, right?”

Her eyes lowered down toward the ground and he could see her hand sliding in over her abdomen making him snort, “Listen, I’m doing you a favor here while also doing one for myself if this makes you finally leave me alone. Get over here and bend over that desk.”

“I think we’re done here,” he could see that she was still upset with him and her jaw tightened as she spoke. “I’m sorry for wasting your time tonight.”

“You’re fucking joking,” Negan scoffed when she went to head for the door and he reached for his pants to pull them back up over his hips. “You come in here telling me that you were hoping that I would make you one of my wives. Looking at me with those doe eyes hoping that I fucking loved you and you’re just going to walk away?”

“Yes,” she simply answered and an angered sound fell from Negan’s throat as he zipped his pants back up before he pulled them together. “I may be pathetic, but I’m not that pathetic.”

“You know I notice you’re getting a little swelled,” Negan muttered as she reached for the doorknob and she stopped in her tracks when he said that. “It’s making me think you have too much food available to you. Maybe you could stand to go on the points system for a little bit so you can get back to your previous look. My saviors should be fit, not getting fat. It gives the wrong look.”

The door pushed open and Y/N felt her blood boiling when Negan moved back toward his desk to sit down.

“You know that’s the whole reason I came here,” she started and Simon moved in behind her, but Negan was done with her as he waved his hand in the air.

“We’re done here,” Negan scoffed making her let out a tense breath when Simon grabbed her to pull her away from the door. “Simon, make sure that it’s made known that Y/N is now going to be working for points. Start her on level one.”

“What?” she snapped seeing Negan lifting his eyes at her, “that’s what someone makes when they first get here and are on probation. I’ve been here since the beginning and I need supplies Negan, you don’t understand.”

“Get her out of here,” Negan demanded and Simon grabbed her before she could say another word, slamming the door shut before she could bicker with Negan anymore.

Once Simon got her away from the door, she started to head for the steps and Simon followed her. When she went to head for the door that went to the outside he grabbed a tight hold of her to stop her, “What the hell do you think you’re doing?”

“I need some air or I’m going to explode. Did me getting demoted make it so I can’t go outside anymore?” she snapped and Simon grunted as she walked outside. Following her out, Simon stood at the stairs and she was pissed that he was watching her. “Why are you following me?”

“People do stupid things when they are angry,” Simon answered and he heard the sound of commotion inside the building. A frustrated sound fell from his throat and he threw his finger up in the air. “You better stay right there.”

“Where am I going to go?” she threw her hands up in the air and could see that Simon was contemplating not going back in, but he did.

It wasn’t actually until Simon said that to her that she was considering leaving. There had to be a place better than this. Somewhere that she would be able to survive without having to deal with the past of the hurt that she would always be reminded of here. Everything that was important to her, she had in her pockets. Everything else she would certainly be caught trying to escape with them if she decided to leave after grabbing her things from her room, so she left them. Surveying the area, she made sure that that the saviors were looking elsewhere when she managed to climb up over the gates surrounding The Sanctuary. She had to be careful not to hurt herself on the barbed wire, but still had managed to knick herself when she went over. Cussing to herself, she ran as fast as she could toward the wooded area to attempt to get out of sight. If someone caught her sneaking out, she knew it wouldn’t be good. She had heard rumors, but she just wanted to be gone and away from Negan. When she had finally made it into the wooded area, she ripped a part of her jacket to tie it around the area she cut from escaping. Doing her best to make it through the darkness, she relied on the moon to move through the woods to the best of her ability. All she had was a knife and she realized how stupid at this point it was for her to actually escape. Back at The Sanctuary she had a room, but being stuck with Negan just felt wrong.

All night she walked and by morning she had found a tree to sit down by to get some rest. There was a sense of regret that had flooded through her because she didn’t know what she was going to do. She had responsibilities and not being able to find any other civilization made her nervous. And she knew how people were.

“Where the fuck could she have gone?” Simon’s voice boomed and she scrambled to hide herself in one of the bushes. “Negan is going to fucking cut my balls off if I don’t find her.”

“You shouldn’t have taken your eyes off of her,” Dwight’s voice responded with a snort. “You knew better than to leave an emotional woman alone.”

“Things were happening and we just need to find her. If we don’t come back with her after he ordered us to find her, I’m dead,” Simon groaned and she could feel herself shaking. “I’m going to kill this bitch when we get her back to The Sanctuary myself for causing me so much fucking trouble. I can’t wait to put her on the damn fence with all the others…”

A flood of panic rushed through Y/N when she realized what happened to those that escaped from The Sanctuary when they were caught. The sound of Dwight snorting was heard and she attempted to stay exceedingly still, “Negan doesn’t do that to women.”

“I think this woman would be an exception, she had him fucking pissed off last night,” Simon retorted surveying the area and he let out a frustrated sound. “Do you remember when we were just that small group? I swore the two of them were together, but…”

“Does it matter?” Dwight snorted and Simon groaned. The sound of something rattling was heard and she noticed that her canteen had slid out. “What was that?”

Simon started walking down the hill toward her and she cringed knowing that in no time he would find her. Wincing, she waited until the sound of something else drew Simon to look over his shoulder and he started heading the other way. Sliding out from the brushes, she went to leave only to feel someone grab her by the shoulder. A pair of blue eyes were locked on hers and she felt her heart pounding inside of her chest. The curly, short haired man motioned for her to be quiet and she realized he must have been the one to make the noise to get Simon away. Following the man through the woods, she stayed quiet until they showed up at the gates of a place called Alexandria.

“What is this?” she muttered and the man looked to her with an arched brow. “Who are you?”

“My name is Aaron,” he placed his hand over the center of his chest and he looked back toward the walls that surrounded the town that was inside. “How many walkers have you killed?”

“I lost count at this point,” she was honest knowing that she had gone through so much in the short amount of time.

“How many people have you killed?” Aaron poked and she let out a shuddering breath before shaking her head.

“None,” she was honest and swallowed down hard knowing that it likely made her look pathetic since she wasn’t much of a fighter. “Why?”

“Then welcome to our community,” Aaron whistled and someone opened the doors allowing her in.

After that moment she had become part of the community of Alexandria. Thankfully she had been able to avoid Negan when he had found Alexandria and things were great until they had Negan prisoned in Alexandria after they had captured Negan. She worked so hard to avoid seeing Negan, but when they ordered her to take him his food one day; she knew that she had no choice because everyone else was busy.

Muttering to herself over and over, she told herself that it would be fine. It had been too long. Negan wouldn’t even know who she was. It had been years. All she had to do was give him his food and leave. She repeated that like a mantra. Once she headed down the stairs, she could see Negan slouched over on his cot. The look of him was nothing like she was used to with his long beard and his hair that had been cut to a mess. Someone at Alexandria likely had done that haircut for him in a rush without a care if they were nicking Negan’s flesh.

Keeping her head low, she put the tray of food on the ground for Negan before his cell. Negan lifted his head and she hoped that he just wouldn’t notice her. Attempting to turn on her heel, she heard the sound of his breathing change, “Y/N?”

Immediately regretting her decision not to throw this task off on someone else, she watched Negan slowly get up from the cot and move to the bars. Looking over her shoulder, she saw Negan’s long, slender fingers wrapping around the bars and he let out a desperate sound when his eyes met hers, “God, it is you. I thought you were dead.”

“Nope, I’m alive,” she simply stated and Negan’s eyes were big. There were multiple cuts and bruises on Negan’s face and she had a hard time looking at him. “So are you.”

“I don’t know for how much longer,” Negan stammered, his eyebrows arched and it was clear that he was full of remorse. Negan had gotten much skinnier than what she was used to and remembered. Instead of sticking around, she knew it would be for the best if she left.

“You should eat,” she attempted to leave, but Negan reached through the bars and grabbed a tight hold of her wrist to get her to stop from leaving.

“You have to help me,” Negan pleaded, his eyes hooked on hers and he could see the uncomfortable look over her face. “Please. I can’t keep living like this. They beat on me. No one talks to me. No one should have to live like this. Please help me.”

“I don’t think I could,” she explained seeing that Negan’s eyes were full of hope after he had realized he knew her.

“Come on, we were friends,” Negan clutched to the bars, his eyes pleading with her. Offering up a weak smile, he attempted to reach out again to grasp at her fingers, but she pulled away from him. “You have to feel some kind of connection to me, right? I was the guy to take your virginity. Remember? We had something special. The two of us had a bond when this whole thing started. You were in love with me. I can’t live like this Y/N. Please help me.”  

There was a silence that filled the air around them and suddenly she was having flashes of the last time that Negan had spoken with her in his office. The way he belittled her and down talked her still resonated deeply with her and she still remembered those words he told her. It left her bitter and angry toward him.  

“Funny how that’s your story now that you have nothing and no one,” she bit at her bottom lip watching the hopeful expression slowly leaving Negan’s eyes. “You fucked me because I was just there. You were desperate. We didn’t have a bond. We didn’t have something special. Do these words stick with you Negan?”

“I was being an asshole that day because I was still mad at you for abandoning me. I thought you were my best friend and you got pissed at me. I realize that I should have been more caring about your feelings when you were telling me how you felt, but at the time when we were together I just thought we were friends that were sleeping together,” Negan attempted to explain with a grunt, his eyes still desperate for her to help him. “All I wanted was Sherry at that point and then when you abandoned me for getting the one thing I wanted. I just got so angry at you that I was treating you like shit, but after thinking about it…after losing you I knew the way I treated you was wrong.”

“You didn’t lose me because you didn’t want me in the first place,” she corrected him and Negan frowned when she said that.

“I didn’t think that you were in love with me, but after that day you told me how you felt, I thought back on it and I realize you were right that there was something special between the two of us,” Negan assured her and attempted to reach for her fingers to squeeze at them. “I didn’t mean what I said Y/N. I didn’t realize you were going to run away from me. I’m sorry for what I said. My relationship with you was very important to me. I love you. I can tell by the way you look at me that you still love me too.”

This was everything she had ever wanted to hear from him in the past. This was kind of what she had hoped for when she talked to him at The Sanctuary, but she knew the kind of manipulator Negan had become. He was the master of it.

“That’s where you’re wrong Negan,” she looked down toward his fingers that were hooked with hers and she shook her head slowly. Pulling her hand from his she stepped back toward the door to his cell and shrugged her shoulders. “You’re just not my type.”

“Y/N?” Negan called out her name as she headed for the door leaving him with what he had said to her back then. When she closed the door to his cell she could hear him screaming her name and the word please afterwards. It sound like he was sobbing, but she didn’t care. Not after all he had put her through during those few months at The Sanctuary.

Everything was fine for years after that. They never pushed her to have to see Negan again and she lived life the best possible way she could. Six years had passed and Y/N had found herself coming home late after working all day. Moving upstairs toward her room, she checked on something before heading toward her room. When she pushed open the door, a gasp fell from her lips when she saw Negan standing in her bedroom at her dresser. There was something he was holding in his fingertips and when his eyes met hers, she could see the anger that was there.

Turning the Polaroid that he had in his fingers, she could see that it was the photo that Negan had taken of them on her birthday that he had given her. It was something that she had kept on the mirror of her dresser to remind her of a day when she felt happy and hopeful about her future. Negan lifted his other hand and showed that he had the keychain he had given her that he had originally thrown in the dirt wrapped around his middle finger.

“I’m just not your type, huh?” Negan dropped what he was holding and swiftly moved forward to reach for her. She attempted to move, but he grabbed a tight hold of her and wrapped his arms around her from behind so she couldn’t escape. “You’re so fucking full of shit. I fucking hurt your feelings and you let me rot in that cell for six years because of it. When this whole fucking time you were still fucking in love with me.”

“Negan,” she whimpered feeling his hand wrapping around her mouth to keep her quiet. The way she struggled and he fought her back made her panic. How had Negan escaped his cell? Her eyes met Negan’s in the mirror of her dresser set. With his buzzed hair and the angry way his eyebrows were arched, he looked like a completely different man to her.

“I would have never left you to rot like that,” Negan growled against the side of her neck. Before he could do anything further the sound of her bedroom door being pushed open was heard and Negan looked over his shoulder.

“Mom?” a voice filled the air and Negan lifted his eyes to see a young girl standing at the door holding a teddy bear in her arms. The sight of the little girl made Negan let her go and when he did she immediately moved for her daughter. “What’s going on?”

“Mommy’s friend was just playing with her,” she hushed her daughter looking back at Negan who was staring out at them together. There was apprehension in her daughter’s body while she stared out at Negan with big eyes. “Baby, you need to go back to your bedroom, okay? Mommy will come see you in the morning.”

“What’s your name sweetheart?” Negan called out and Y/N shot him a glare. Ignoring it, Negan stepped forward and stared down at the young girl. There was something in the way her bright hazel eyes were staring up at him that made him let out a tense breath.

“Riley,” she answered him and Negan’s eyebrows bounced up. Kneeling down, Negan tilted his head to the side and surveyed over Y/N’s daughter.  

“How old are you sweetheart?” Negan looked between Y/N and Riley. There was an expression that made Y/N uncomfortable as she stepped forward to move in behind Riley to make sure her presence was known between Negan and her daughter.

“Nine,” Riley answered and Negan’s eyes hooked with Y/N’s. Negan reached out to place his hand in over the young girl’s shoulder. There was a new expression over Negan’s features that she couldn’t quite read. “Who are you?”

“My name is Negan. Does that name mean anything to you?” Negan questioned and Riley looked up to Y/N for some kind of confirmation that she should know who Negan was. “Tell me Riley, who is your daddy here?”

“Baby go to your bedroom,” Y/N ordered, interrupting the two of them before Negan could go any further with this discussion. Riley was confused, but she clutched tightly to her bear and nodded. As Riley moved for the door, Negan stood up and Y/N pushed her hands into Negan’s chest to keep him where he was. “I love you sweetheart.”

“I love you too mommy,” Riley whispered and her big eyes looked between Negan and Y/N before leaving the two of them alone.

Once Y/N was sure that Riley was in her room, she turned on her heel to look back at Negan and his face scrunched up in anger, “That’s my fucking daughter. She looks just like me. How could you keep my child from me?”

“Oh no, it could never be your child Negan. Remember? You can’t have babies. You’re infertile,” she reminded Negan seeing the way his jaw locked up when she said that, folding her arms in front of her chest. Negan moved over toward her bed and sat on the corner of the bed. “Fuck you Negan. You told me the first time I slept with you that you were infertile. So we didn’t have to worry about you pulling out.”

“So maybe I didn’t know for sure, but I assumed because we tried for so long and I just knew that it never happened,” Negan admitted, his eyes heavy with regret when he threw his hands up in the air. “Why did you leave The Sanctuary if you were pregnant?”

“I tried to tell you that I was pregnant, but instead you called me fat and then put me on the points system so I wouldn’t be able to take care of myself,” she snapped making Negan release a loud gulping sound. “I ran away in hopes of finding something better because you wouldn’t fucking listen. When I’m hiding in the woods I hear Simon talking about you killing me and putting me on the fence…”

“I wouldn’t have killed you and put you on the fence,” Negan rolled his eyes when he heard her say that and she snorted. “Simon was a fucking idiot. One I killed, but…”

“What do you want Negan? You know if they find out that you escaped the cell, then they are going to kill you,” she informed him, her eyes looking him over seeing that he was still in his prison clothes. “Why are you here?”

“After being locked away for six years, you tend to hold grudges and want answers as to why you leave someone rotting in a cell. Then I come up here and see that you still have that fucking keychain I got you for your birthday and have that photo of the two of us…” Negan growled, his eyes rising to hers and he shook his head slowly. “You loved me still and you let me rot in that cell. Knowing that you had my daughter…”  

“You were bullshitting me Negan. Telling me that you loved me,” she reminded him and Negan gave her a sideways glance. “You didn’t love me. You never loved me.”

“That’s not true, okay? I did love you, but I genuinely just ignorantly thought we were best friends. I didn’t think about what I was doing to you,” Negan responded, reaching up to pinch the bridge of his nose. “The more I thought about it, the more obvious it became to me how stupid I actually was. I totally was falling in love with you and then Sherry followed me to that fucking room and I thought about how long I had been pining for her. I wanted her so bad and there she was offering it and I took it. It was wrong. It was awful and I should have told her no. If I would have…I think things would have been so different.”

“Well we can’t turn back time,” she frowned, her eyes looking down toward the ground and she watched Negan stand up from the bed. Slowly, he walked across the room to her and reached out to cup her face in his rough hands. Negan’s eyes were hooked on hers and it seemed like he was attempting to kiss her, but she turned her head away from him. “Don’t.”

“Y/N, I think this is a sign that we should be together. I’ve always wanted a child. I know I feel special feelings toward you and I know you feel the same,” Negan reasoned with her and he could see that her eyes were tearing over while she stared out at him. “Maybe we deserve the chance to start over. The three of us.”

“She deserves better than you,” Y/N muttered and Negan released a hurt sound when she was obviously talking about Riley, “And so do I. I would love to pretend that nothing happened, but the people here would tell Riley. They would let her know who her father was and what he did. And I’ll always remember the things you said to me.”

“I’m leaving. We should all get out of here,” Negan suggested, reaching for her hands to give them a firm squeeze. “I know what I did and I’m sorry, but you have to understand…”

“I get why you did it Negan, I just…I can’t,” her bottom lip quivered and Negan could feel his chest aching as she stood before him. “Of course I’ll always love you, but I have to think about Riley and what’s best for her. And that’s not you.”

“Well…damn,” Negan responded, absolutely gutted with what she was saying. Stepping back, he brushed his hand over his head and then tossed his hands up in the air. “I guess this is goodbye then.”

“Where are you going?” she inquired as he moved toward the door to leave and he stopped to look over his shoulder at her.

“I thought about looking at The Sanctuary. See how things are there,” Negan pushed his hands into his pockets and he looked down toward the ground. When she nodded, Negan attempted to leave before stopping again. “What would make you change your mind about me? What could I do that would make you give me a chance?”

“You’re you Negan, you couldn’t change,” she saw his eyebrows furrow and she shrugged her shoulders. The look Negan gave her showed that he was miserable with what she had said. When he headed to leave again, she called out to him and he looked over his shoulder at her. “I’m sorry. No one should have had to go through what you did those eight years, but I was scared. I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry too,” Negan stood there for a moment longer before she watched him walk away and she felt her heart breaking.

More than anything in the past she had wanted Negan to love her and to be with him. But after eight years she knew that it was wrong to want to be with him. Yes, she loved him, but knowing the baggage that follows him, she knew it was best for both her and her daughter if he wasn’t in their lives. When the sound of the front door opening and closing was heard, she let out a sad sound and reached for the photo that Negan had dropped on the floor.

Holding the photograph, she wished that things could go back to the way things were before, but she knew better and she knew that this was the best possible decision she could make. No matter how much it hurt.

[camxnoel-updates]

Cameron Monaghan brought the character of Ian Gallagher to life on Showtime’s hit series, Shameless. The series aired for a total of 11 seasons after originally premiering in 2011. It ranked as the network’s no. 1 comedy, longest-running series, and had the youngest-skewing audience of any Showtime series. Monaghan also joined two legendary universes with roles in both Gotham and Star Wars Jedi: Fallen Order, which I got to ask him about too!

The final season of SHAMELESS finds the Gallagher family and the South Side at a crossroads, with changes caused by the COVID pandemic, gentrification, and aging to reconcile. As Frank confronts his own mortality and family ties in his alcoholic and drug-induced twilight years, Lip struggles with the prospect of becoming the family’s new patriarch. Newlyweds Ian (Cameron Monaghan) and Mickey (Noel Fisher) are figuring out the rules and responsibilities of being in a committed relationship while Deb embraces her individuality and single motherhood. Carl finds an unlikely new career in law enforcement and Kevin and V struggle to decide whether a hard life on the South Side is worth fighting for.

Along with the final season, fans also got a six-episode series that featured new Shameless scenes juxtaposed with a retrospective look at each character’s journey over the prior 10 seasons, titled, Shameless Hall of Shame. The first episode followed Ian and Mickey, showcasing their unique relationship and its evolution from a teen fling into a loving, complicated marriage.

I was able to chat with the actor over zoom and ask him all of my burning questions regarding the series finale, Ian and Mickey’s future, the show’s open ending, the representation his character provided to those watching, what he kept from the set, his future projects, and so much more! Keep reading to find out everything he told me.

So first of all, I want to say a huge congrats to you for wrapping Shameless after 11 seasons and bringing this character to life, who has inspired so many and that so many relate to. I wanted to ask, what has your time on the show meant to you and how would you describe how it helped you grow as an actor?

Cameron Monaghan: I mean, it’s so difficult to distill 11 years into some sort of concise answer, but it’s meant a lot for so many reasons. I think that obviously it’s been important for my career and my life in a sense of how it’s not only given me exposure but also given all of us a platform as performers to be able to tell interesting and challenging stories and to really develop and grow. Obviously, we had a couple of old pros on the show– when I say old pros, I’m not calling them old, just that they’re professionals and they’ve been doing it for a long time, but like William H. Macy, Joan Cusack, and a number of people who had very storied careers. Then we had actors on the show who had never appeared on anything prior and for a lot of us, we were somewhere in the middle, where we’d been working for a number of years, but hadn’t been given the opportunities to really put ourselves out there in such a significant way.

So being able to get an audience over the course of 11 years– and the show grew steadily, it was a marginal success at first, but it wasn’t until like season 4 or 5 that it really started to be seen by people and really connect on a larger platform, and a lot of that had to do with Netflix. When that happens we had such an influx of people kind of saying how they related to it and I think that that’s something that I’ve really taken away– I think we’ve all taken away, to be able to hear a lot of other people’s stories and how they’ve connected these stories in entirely different ways. Everyone has had different favorite characters or storylines and they have brought their own personal experiences to that, but for people to say that they feel seen or heard in some ways by these stories, I think is very special. You know, the character that I was playing was an LGBT love story, as well as a story about mental illness, and coping and struggling with that. I had so many positive responses from people regarding those things, and it was amazing to hear people’s responses. So I think that not only was I able to grow as an actor but being able to hear that response and feedback helps you grow as a human being too. I guess that’s what one of my major takeaways is.

What was that final day of shooting like for you, and how did you feel when you officially wrapped?

It was a bit surreal. I don’t think it really set in at first. It’s always funny when you wrap on a project, I feel like it comes in waves, and with something like a TV show, you start to feel it on the last few episodes of like, “Oh, wow, it’s going to be over.” You start trying to find your little ways of saying goodbye to people and understanding that these conversations are obviously not the last for everyone; we’re still close with each other, but you start to recognize that within the context of the show they’ll be your last so that’s a difficult thing. I’ve never been particularly good at saying goodbye, you know? I feel like in general, I’m kind of a person that just likes to be like, “I’m just going to walk away from it cause I don’t know what else to do really.”

So, we were shooting pretty late at night and we were all there hanging out and cracking jokes, and it was just of like, “Oh, I guess that’s it.” We all kind of looked at each other like, “Well, what do we do now?” A bunch of us stuck around for a few hours afterward, we popped a bottle of champagne, and we sat in each others’ trailers and just kinda hung out until pretty early in the morning, the next day. Then we’ve all kind of just been hanging out and seeing each other since. Everyone’s been really busy, thankfully. So we’ve been traveling and going to different cities for work, but when we’ve been in town we’ve been trying to see each other. I had dinner with Jeremy and Ethan, who played my brothers on the show last week. Noel Fisher, I just saw yesterday. I’m going to see Shanola Hampton in a few days. We’re all still staying in touch with each other is what I’ll say.

Were you personally satisfied with the ending of the show? I think it was very open-ended, which was kind of nice and left a lot open for the future. And was there anything you wanted to see for your character that we weren’t able to?

Endings are difficult in general, but I feel like, especially with a show like Shameless, which is a show about a slice of life and sort of how existence doesn’t really fall into a perfect narrative; it tends to be messy and kind of just continue in spite of itself, and it’s a stream of these little victories and these constant mistakes. So you can’t really cap off a pure ending to a story like that. I think that what John Wells tried to do with writing it is not really conclude the stories. He concludes certain aspects, but the way that he explained it to us is he wanted it to feel like if you were walking through the streets of Chicago, maybe you might bump into these characters. Maybe they’re still out there and maybe they’re still doing things. Some of us had more resolution than others.

I would actually say that the Ian and Mickey storyline was one that did have a fair amount of resolution for the final episode. It was about their anniversary, how they were going to deal with their future, and they’ve kind of figured out some sort of life with each other. There are still large questions, whether or not they’re going to have kids and what the terms of their marriage will entail in the future, but those are questions that are lifelong questions, and ones that I think that we know these characters well enough and we understand their relationships well enough that we can draw our own conclusions for. I think there is something beautiful about the fact that the audience will project what their future for these characters will be.

I think it was a challenging final season because of so many extenuating factors in the world. All shows, businesses, everything was trying frantically to keep up with a changing landscape, and the fact that we were able to make it in spite of all of those things, I think is a victory in itself; one that we are all proud of and happy with. I do think there’s still a future, years out, where we might return to these characters and explore them further. I think that I’m happy putting them to bed for now, I think we all are, but I would like to maybe check in with these characters in 5 or 10 years, and just kind of see where they’re at and what they’re doing.

Kind of like a little Shameless movie, just to play catch up for a little bit.

Yeah, I think that’s something that is kind of more possible now with these streaming networks. They’ve done it with a few series, to sometimes success and sometimes mixed results, but I do think there is a possibility of a reunion season or something like that, depending on where the show fits into the public consciousness in a few years, you know? It’s an open question, but one I’d be excited to see.

How you would describe Ian’s evolution and journey on the show?

I think that Ian has come a long way in terms of confidence and assuredness in himself and his own decisions. I think that’s what a lot of the exploration of the character was, especially in the middle seasons between seasons like 3 to 8 or 9, are this guy who sort of just doesn’t necessarily know what he wants for himself and he’s dealing with a bunch of surprises about himself that he doesn’t necessarily understand, or hasn’t really come to terms with. I think it’s amazing to see Ian in these earlier episodes where he’s kind of getting kicked around by his relationships and by his family. He’s kind of a forgotten kid a little bit. He’s like a middle child, who’s just sort of– people aren’t really looking out for him. His brother does to a certain extent, but also his brother is kind of telling him what he wants for himself and Ian isn’t as active.

At a certain point, he starts to really come into his own as an adult and as a human being. I think it’s amazing how we see him as not only a big brother by the end of the series, but also sort of– there’s something a bit paternal about him. He becomes a bit of a father figure, even a little bit in his relationships. I think it’s interesting how Mickey was always sort of the commanding force and deciding factor for so much of the series; when Ian was really struggling with mental illness and down in the dumps, Mickey is the kind of guy who was looking after him, but by the end of the series, Mickey is a bit childlike in certain ways. Ian is kind of protecting him to a certain extent, and even with his older brother, Lip, Ian is sort of looking out for him in a slightly paternal way, which I think is kind of interesting. He really comes a long way in sort of being confident enough in himself to start looking out for other people that I think is a really great quality. It makes him a character who has made a fair amount of mistakes but mistakes that we understand, and I think that ultimately he’s a guy that I understand and really relate to because he does have this quality to him.

So I have to ask you some questions about Ian and Mickey. I personally love them together, they were one of the reasons I started watching the show. In the end, as you said, we kind of get some closure, but also an open ending with them and it’s a happy one; they’re together and celebrating their anniversary. In your head, what do you think that their future holds? Do you think kids are in the picture; do you think they’re going to be parents? Ideally, what is your version of their happy ending, if you could create it?

I think that they both still need to do some work. I would say that they need to do work as a couple in their marriage still of just defining the terms of what is it that they want financially, sexually, intimately, personally, all of these things. It’s a show full of people who aren’t great at communication or dealing with their own feelings– I mean to a certain extent, most human beings aren’t, but these guys, especially, come from a rough background and they have that tendency of just kind of wanting to push that stuff down. Ian has really opened up Mickey and Mickey to a certain extent has really opened up Ian over the course of the series, but I still don’t think they’re fully all the way there. Mickey has a lot of emotional baggage when it comes to parenthood, his father, and dealing with responsibility.

I don’t know if Mickey is fully there. Hopefully, he would be one day in the future. And hopefully, Ian would be patient enough to give him the space to make that decision and to not want to rush into it. I do think that it would be something in their future. Parenthood was a huge motivating factor for Ian earlier in the series, going so far as to steal someone’s baby at some point because he wants to be a father. I would hope that they would be able to provide that for him and for themselves, but there’s no way to know, we have to sort of make that assumption for ourselves, but I think so.

Ian and Mickey have been this fan-favorite couple that means so much to the LGBTQ+ community in terms of representation. What was the moment that you personally started rooting for them?

I think it was pretty early. I was rooting for Ian from the first episode, from the pilot, but the second that Mickey gets introduced to the show, he brought such a fun dynamic with him. Obviously, a massive amount of charisma that was coming from Noel Fisher. The scenes were always fun, exciting, and felt steeped in a lot of dramatic tension. Whether or not they were destined to be together was kind of a question that still was developing. In the first season to the third season, the Mickey character is pretty rough emotionally and physically; he is at points pretty, extremely abusive in a way that is great for a character and for a story, but if I was talking to Ian as a person in real life, I would probably say, “Get the hell away from this guy. He’s awful for you.”

But within the context of the story, we’re able to get the internal life of these characters and we understand them well enough to really want to be rooting for them and see them succeed. It builds into this pretty epic love story of these characters that really do feel kind of intertwined by fate and something greater. It feels like you have these forces pulling for them in a way that you want with every fiber of your being to see it work out for them because you care for them. So obviously, Noel and I had been rooting for these characters the entire time, but it was really fun playing some of the ridiculousness of the situations of the two of them, where they were just very at odds with each other at times. It was a joy bouncing off of each other in both the highs and the lows of the character.

Is there sort of a message that you hope their love story gives to viewers that see themselves in these characters?

Well, I think the aspects of the characters, especially for Mickey, that I’m sure a lot of people relate to, and it is sort of the greatest tragedy of the character, is how he is deeply in the closet and he feels that he can’t embrace his own self and also this beautiful love because of this situation that he’s in; a traumatic home life, specifically an abusive father, and also an environment that doesn’t allow him to be what he wants to be. I guess the message that I do hope that people who are relating to that get is that there are places where you can be accepted and there are better options for you, and sometimes that takes time, but as cliched as it is, it does get better. So hopefully people are able to find these safe environments for themselves to be able to improve the quality of life and to get better situations. I hope that people find hope in the story ultimately.

Another relationship of Ian’s that I have to discuss is his relationship with the whole Gallagher family; that was a focus of the series since day one. What was your favorite part of their dynamic and playing off that?

Obviously, the chaos of the family is always really fun to play. We had these scenes that were kind of an amazing balancing act of like 8 or 9 people in a scene, all messing around with these different storylines that are bouncing off of each other, intertwining, and you have this really biting sharp satirical dialogue that all had a very specific rhythm to it and was a sort of flow that was established early in the show that was kind of kept across the entire series; one that was a genuine joy as a performer to play. But I think that specifically the relationship that I’ve always been a fan of and I love from the start, is probably– it’s definitely one of my favorite relationships on the show– was the relationship between Ian and Lip.

There’s not a lot of depictions of brotherhood and intimacy between men that are deeply sensitive, close, and uncomplicated. Those are definitely scenes that I felt very personally moved by, of two brothers who have just had a world of shit, a lot of complicated and messed up things that have been dropped on their heads that they’ve been dealing with for the entirety of their lives, but they’ve sort of made a pact that they were just gonna be there for each other no matter what. If they weren’t there for each other, who knows if they would have survived. I think that there’s something really amazing about those scenes in that they’re just very open with each other, and that’s something that’s established right from the start and was kind of one of those key relationships for the show that survived until the very last episode and that I’m very proud of, cause I do think that those are some of my personal favorite scenes of the show.

Here’s a fun three-part question: most challenging, fun, and insane storyline for you as an actor?

Most challenging would probably have to be… we reached a point in the series around season 8 and they were trying to contextualize the characters in a modern way, put them into new circumstances, but try to retain what the characters were, but they’ve moved a lot from where they originally were. We were at a point where we were getting so many new writers onto the series, and the show I feel struggled for a second, which happens with any series that’s been on for a while. It felt like there was a point where they didn’t know what they wanted to do with Ian. There were a couple of episodes where I was kind of looking at the story and being like, “What are we doing here? It doesn’t really feel like anything is happening with him and we’re kind of floating across these relationships.” I wasn’t sure what we were trying to say, but that being said, that is kind of true to life, to a certain degree, where we do find ourselves sometimes in these ruts where we don’t know what we’re doing with our relationships, our lives, and ourselves. There is a little bit of a struggle there and that is kind of real to a certain degree, and I do think having those episodes make when they started finding the way with the character and relationships again, kind of more satisfying cause he sort of loses his way and he comes back. So it was kind of a challenge, but I think it all worked out ultimately.

Craziest would have to be… so this is one that no one would even know is like a thing really, no one would even think of it as a thing, but the scene in the pilot episode, Lip and Ian jump out of like a window and they run out of a house to escape an angry parent, right? And they’re kind of running in a rush. So they run out in their socks, down the street, and it’s the middle of January in Chicago and the streets are covered in mud, water, and ice. I think it’s the first time I’ve ever felt in my life that I actually thought my feet were going to like fall off. I thought we were going to have to amputate a toe because of frostbite. We did the scene a bunch of times, and because Jeremy and I were young, we were just sort of trying to be tough, just like, “Yeah, whatever, it’s not a problem. We can do this over and over, not a big deal.” Then I definitely learned a lesson of like, when something is a problem, you have to say, it’s a problem.

Most fun… I don’t know if I can distill it to just one scene. I think the most fun was just getting to interact with all of the wildly different personalities of our show, and just kind of get to sit around and hang out with everyone. There were times that we would just be laughing so hard that one of us would start and we just end up crying, laughing. Usually, it was because of Howey cracking jokes or something like that, but it could be just the dumbest to smallest thing, but it’s the kind of thing when you become so comfortable with people, it just starts to happen. Sometimes it was just the downtime and these little small kind of boring or mundane moments that really ended up being some of my favorite experiences.

Did you take anything from the set at all?

I did. So in the final season, there’s a storyline where Frank steals Nighthawks, the Edward Hopper painting, and that was actually done in cooperation with the Art Institute of Chicago and the Edward Hopper estate. They did these really high-resolution prints of it that were then painted over by hand, and they even took pictures of the back and mimicked the way that the canvas wrapped over, the small writing, and everything. It’s a pretty damn good forgery of Nighthawks. So I stole one of those and that’s hanging up in my living room. I also stole one of the mugs cause in the show we’re always having breakfast and drinking coffee, so there are these rooster mugs and I stole one of those.

Since you’re talking to The Nerds of Color, I have to ask you about Star Wars and Gotham. What stood out to you about Star Wars Jedi: Fallen Order compared to your other work, and what did it mean to you to join that iconic universe?

I mean, what stood out pretty quickly was that it had a tone all of its own. Star Wars is a very specific tone. It has sort of its own language, pacing, style, and rhythm; there’s something very specific about it, something that I’m a big fan of. I grew up watching the Star Wars movies and that was definitely… you know, anytime that you’re jumping onto something with an active and passionate fanbase it’s going to be slightly intimidating. There’s no way around that. Thankfully, I’ve at this point done enough projects with really passionate fanbases to kind of understand what that entails, which is that there’s going to be a lot of opinions. A lot of people are really excited about things and no matter what, even the smallest things, someone’s going to be very, very angry about it. That comes along with the territory, but that’s kind of fun to a certain degree; it’s fun to hear such minutiae and being examined, and these conversations are ones that are being had on set too.

There’s so much conversation between the Lucasfilm story group, Respawn, and EA, who are the production companies behind the game, and also the cast, directors, and everybody involved are sometimes discussing, “How does a person stand? How does one get onto a speeder bike? What kind of sound does this monster make?” And there’s always a genuine deference and respect to the series. We know how much people care about it. We know because we care about it a lot, and everyone on this project are huge fans of the source material. So that was exciting to be a part of, obviously; I mean, that should go without saying. It’s so freaking cool to be a Jedi and to be the face of this massive franchise, and to be able to not only be a part of a really well-known property and part of this large project but also to be able to tell an interesting and intimate story within it. For as bombastic as all of the action is, and as big as the Star Wars universe is, I feel the story of Cal Kestis and the people that he interacts with is a somewhat smaller one and a more intimate one. It’s ultimately, at least for me, a pretty emotionally resonant one and a story that I actually very much care about and relate to. I think that was probably the most exciting part about it, was being able to within the framework of this big machinery of what Star Wars is, still tell a story that might actually affect people and make them feel things, I think was just really cool.

Could you describe how it felt to take on the role of the Joker?

Exciting, intimidating, an honor, and challenging; it’s a role that I didn’t take lightly. I understood what it was, which is that a lot of the people who were seeing me in the role had never heard of me and didn’t know who I was, and it was a way to prove myself and to show off my take of what I could do with this. It was really cool too with that show that we were getting to do something that had never really been done before with the character, which is to show multiple versions and possibilities of what that character could be, and to kind of tip our hat to some of the famous stories that came before, and then kind of give a unique spin and show off some new things with it as well.

Obviously, that show was heightened to a certain degree and kind of existed in this wacky over-the-top violent, but also slightly cartoony universe that was kind of its own little thing. That was really fun to play around with it and to totally get to do something kind of different with that, something that we hadn’t seen before. But I think it was specifically really intimidating because, at that point of casting when I performed the episode in the first season of that show, no one had played the role since Heath Ledger had posthumously won the Oscar for the role. So the only people who had touched it in live-action had been Jack Nicholson and Heath Ledger, which are just massive, massive shoes to fill and two people that I deeply admired. Again, it’s just sort of a case of respect and wanting to kind of come in, just do my absolute best with the material, and to try to pay a certain level of honor to the people that came before.

Anything you can tease about what you’re going to do next? Any future projects?

Absolutely. It’s always difficult with this stuff because there’s only so much you can say. I can say that I just shot a film that hasn’t been announced yet, but I was out of town shooting it for a while. It’s the starring role in the film, and that will come out to theaters in the near future. I’m also working on another project over the course of the next year that I will be working on and off for. Again, thanks to the joys of NDAs, I can’t actually say what it is. I have a movie that I will be doing in June and then also I’m starting to move a bit behind the camera as well. So I’m working on producing and starring in a feature in August or September. And I’m writing a couple of projects right now as well. So it’s a loaded year for the next year, but it’s all very exciting that’s happening.

[nox-artemis]

Kentaro Miura

It took me awhile to get my thoughts in order. Honestly, as well intentioned as they are, a constant stream of fan tributes on Twitter and Tumblr more-or-less telling me how to process “The End” of Berserk with Miura’s death didn’t do a lot to console me, so I had to take some huge steps away from social media and only conversed my feelings with my other close Berserk fan-friends.

It was very surreal waking up yesterday morning to a friend messaging me simply saying, “did you hear the news?” When shit like that happens, I go onto my Google stories app and scroll through. I didn’t find anything really worth getting too upset over (maybe a bit sad that Queen Elizabeth II’s doggo died?) so it hit me to check my Twitter feed instead.

And that’s when I saw it.

We all know death is inevitable, and life is pretty much spent prolonging the point to that inevitability as well as preparing ourselves for when it happens to us or someone close to us. Being part of the Berserk fandom was the only time we all collectively had this on our mind not only for someone else but for someone we never met or really knew that much about. We only knew Miura through his magnum opus – and that was good enough for us. And no matter how much we discussed the worst-case scenario – pondering how the story would continue and how WE would continue – it still wasn’t enough to prepare us for this amount of shock. Hearing Miura had died and that the Berserk we know and love under his direct supervision is over truly felt like losing a long-lost friend.

It wasn’t just that the Berserk we know of is “over”, but that Miura didn’t have to die. He was only 54: not a young age, but not an old age either, especially by today’s standards. He could have seen the end to his magnum opus the way he envisioned it, yet he died of something so avoidable but is only brought about by a great deal of stress (from what I’ve read). It was always a morbid open rumor that so many of Miura’s infamous hiatuses were actually mental and/or physical health breaks, so the older or more conscious of us fans, while always eager and anxious for a new chapter, learned to not take them so personally. Miura was a spellbinding artist and storyteller, but he was also a human with his own life and conflicts that he was entitled to address at his own pace. This isn’t meant to blame anyone (at the very least, maybe to address some societal/industry issues), but it’s troubling enough to remind everyone – as the story of Berserk has demonstrated – that you need to take care of yourself physically and mentally, and while everyone struggles in life, you don’t have to struggle alone.

I always despised this weird cult of youth that insinuates that life isn’t worth pursuing once you hit your mid-thirties, and how some people so engulfed in their youth insist that they wouldn’t mind dying by the age of 50 or 60. It’s a shame when people live by that because there’s so much to live for beyond your youth – as I’ve learned, I only started buckling down when I transitioned into my thirties. Miura could have had a longer life ahead of him, going beyond Berserk and into his other endeavors, professional and personal, but that will unfortunately never happen now.

Everyone knows I have a lot of thoughts and opinions on Berserk. Most of you found out about me through my blogging several years ago, and I’m pretty proud that I was never the sort of fan that groveled at Miura’s feet and treated Berserk as some untouchable holy book: there were things I disliked about Berserk and things that disappointed me about Miura’s writing, but there were SO MANY MORE THINGS that I loved about Berserk and was proud of Miura for, and I wished him to continue his advancement in narrative growth. He did so and we watched it happened.

And, by meeting so many friends and acquaintances through the fandom, we saw a lot in ourselves change too. It’s surreal how we always joked that it would be one of us fans who would die before Berserk ended or the worst-case scenario of Miura dying; maybe some of us secretly preferred for that happen. But when we weren’t waiting around for another chapter… look at how much we’ve done with our lives! We graduated high school, undergrad, grad school, started and advanced our careers, traveled the world, got together, popped out a kid or two!... And while we experienced a lot of downfalls and tragedies that coincide, can you believe how much we have accomplished together?

We were all personally inspired, motivated, persuaded by Berserk in different ways: a lot of us were inspired for the better and admittedly, some for the not-as-good (if spending countless hours on Tumblr has taught me, there were definitely some toxic fan takeaways that had to be confronted). I’m not going to go to the point of saying that I now live my life by Berserk’s philosophy to a T or live as a reflection of certain characters (because I’m pretty sure that Miura was trying to tell us to NOT live your life like some particular characters) but it certainly helped to brings some aspects of life and existence into perspective, through the lenses of so many characters. Berserk also inspired me to write more, an already favorite pastime of mine, and how I should go about writing and planning a story, taking cues from Berserk on how to and how NOT to write and approach things in my own way, which I think is for the best in the long run. I can only dream that I’ll be published someday – which doesn’t have to be a pipe dream because it’s still much more possible than impossible. And so many other have done the same, creating our own stories and works.

And OF COURSE Berserk inspired me to be a little bit badass from time to time in moments of frivolity and seriousness – but it reminds us all that being badass and being a kinder person who tries to become the best version of themselves are not mutually exclusive. We definitely need more of that in today’s world.

We all made our own little bonfires of dreams happen, and because of Berserk existing, there will be a lot more beginnings than endings, and I don’t see a lot of bonfires being extinguished anytime soon. Miura poured his heart and soul into Berserk and its characters, and while he has passed on, his characters and lessons will live on through us and everything we create and how we live our lives (hopefully for the better).

I was happy to share all of my thoughts with you all – and I’ll continue to do so, since the mythos of Berserk has been a major backdrop of my creative mind for over fifteen years now and there is still so much to dissect and speculate. Personally, I don’t see Berserk ending just yet, if only because I’d be surprised that Miura or his publisher didn’t have some Operation London Bridge type plan in place in the event that this happened (Berserk is, after all, a major title that most likely brings Young Animal a lot of revenue). Again, I never treated Miura or Berserk as divine untouchables, so if there are plans in place to continue Berserk without Miura (BUT with his permission) or just on how to wrap up the story to give it a fulfilling conclusion, I personally would be okay with it (as a friend of mine put it, it’d be more of a tribute than an imitation). Going beyond our lifetimes, works will continue to be interpreted and reinterpreted as they have since time immemorial; perhaps Berserk will reach that point someday.

Honestly, and many have thought so too, Berserk was also meant to be cosmic level in both scale and concept. The plot is so grand and Byzantine that, even under Miura’s direct supervision, I always had a hard time envisioning how a story of this scale would conclude. As much as we love to hate him, a final showdown between Guts and Griffith seems too simple, too “good vs. evil”-esque for Berserk. Maybe having a low-key, vague but optimistic and bittersweet wrap up is what is best for Guts, Casca, and their new-found family. But that’s just another one of my fan speculations.

Regardless or what is to become of Berserk now, I think it’s safe to give adulations. We all came across Berserk at different times in our lives and stuck with the story for different reasons. For some of us, it was just another series that our friend from the campus anime club recommended to us; for others, we were drawn in from a morbid curiosity of its dark notoriety in anime circles. A few of us read for the gratuitous violence and the clout (because we all know you’re so deep and hardcore [/sar]), but a lot more of us read for the journey and the characters that we became a part of. The heaviness of Berserk made us confront a lot of trauma and even relive our own. For some of us, understandably, it was not a good idea to dive deeper (and maybe somethings could have been handled better); for the rest of us, it helped us cope, if not entirely through the story itself, than through the support network we made for ourselves in this fandom and its many realms (some realms, I argue, are more caring and nurturing than others).

From time to time, I always wonder if I would ever “grow out” of Berserk. There were indeed several times I took a step away from fandom and have tried to reduce my exposure to the story - but I always came back in some way, because the essence of Berserk has never left me and never will. Humorously I envisioned myself actually forgetting about Berserk for several decades, decades in which I work at my career, raise my family, mourn my elders, but continue living my life, only to go on the future internet in my mid-50s to find out… Miura is STILL working on that ending, sitting at his desk in the same pose as that famous monochrome capture of him, only he’s grayed and wrinkled, like the great Miyazaki.

The possibility of that future is over, but there are so many others.

[lumosandnoxwriting]

Forever Just Isn’t Enough - George Weasley

Title: Forever Just Isn’t Enough Pairing: George x Fem!Reader Warnings: NSFW!! Fingering, female receiving oral, unprotected sex, dirty talk, cockwarming, feeling full kink ?? again idk if that’s a real thing but oh well Extra Warnings: major character death!! Minor character death. Slightly alcoholism, unhealthy coping mechanisms, grief and dealing with grief, one comment that could allude to suicide, mentions of death and infant loss, mentions of blood and blood loss. Mentions of injuries. Mentions of childbirth. Summary: just when things seem like they can finally fall into place, everything nearly falls apart. Will George and Y/N really get their forever? Or will their dreams crumble around them? A/N: summary is shit but here it is! Here is its, the mammoth that is good girl part 3!! This fic has been nearly a month in the making and it is officially the longest thing I’ve ever written!! It’s 23k words so buckle up! This really is the final part, and I have definitely become attached to this universe. Everything in italics is flashbacks!! I would like to give a huge thanks to @pineapplesandpinas who left a reply on one of my posts that actually inspired this fic! I’d also like to give a huge thanks to the person who gave me some editing help and is coincidentally the person who requested this in the first place, I hope you like it!! As always feedback is welcome! Tags: @feltondarling @pandaxnienke @raerae27 @allforthexgame @pigwidgexn @hufflrpuffforfred @wand3ringr0s3 @whiz-bangs78 @gcdric @starlightweasley @vogueweasley @theweasleysredhair @dracoswhore007 @lexymoniqu​ @amourtentiaa​ @mischiefisbeingmanaged​ Read Part 1 here, Read Part 2 here

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Y/N’s chest heaves with deep breathes as she runs down a corridor, watching walls crumble as they get hit with stray curses. She used to be able to walk through Hogwarts with her eyes closed and know exactly where she was in any given moment. But now her heart hammers in her chest as she stands at the junction of two different hallways, unsure of where they’ll lead her. Y/N can hear footsteps barreling towards her, and in a moment of panic she heads to the left, gripping her wand tightly in her hand.

Her legs carry her as fast as they can down the hallway as she silently prays to find someone she knows. By the time she clambered into the room of requirement from the passageway that starts at the Hogs Head Inn preparations for the impending battle were already in full swing and the Order was spread out around the entire castle. Y/N had caught a flash of red hair as she helped Cho Chang cast a protection spell, but by the time she turned her head it was already gone. Death Eaters reached the castle nearly 30 minutes ago, and Y/N has been on her own the entire time, casting curses and spells at them as she searched for Ginny or Hermione. For George. She’s already seen a few bodies lying still on the floor, and her heart is in her stomach with the thought that George could be one of them. Laying lifeless in some hallway all by himself.

Y/N starts to slow down as a wall approaches and she can hear her heartbeat pounding in her ears. A dead end. The footsteps behind her persist, and she has no choice but to stop as she reaches the end of the hallway, turning around to face her fate. She raises her wand as she looks at the person coming up towards her, but it falters slightly as a familiar face stops just a few feet away. “Adrian?”

Adrian grins as he takes a few steps closer to Y/N, but it’s not the same fond smile he’d shared with her many times. It’s wicked, evil almost and Y/N tries to swallow the lump that’s suddenly formed in her throat as memories of the last time she’d seen Adrian come swirling to the forefront of her mind.

Y/N turns around when she feels a tap on her shoulder, a wide smile on her face. Seven years of hard work has all lead to this: graduation day. She feels absolutely euphoric, and when she turns around and spots Adrian she pulls him into a hug – too excited to second guess herself. It’s the first time they’ve hugged in nearly half a year and while it feels familiar, it’s mostly awkward.

After the conversation Y/N and George had on the train ride back to school from winter break Y/N really made a conscious effort to start a new life with George. The way they had been operating as a couple was only leading them towards disaster, and they were both willing to do anything to avoid that possibility.

The main change they made together was to spend more time together as a couple that didn’t involve getting rid of their clothes. Instead of sitting with each other’s friends during meals all the time, they decided to sit on their own a few times a week so they would get a chance to just talk to each other and reconnect after a crazy day. Y/N started to spend the night over in George’s dorm with him, and while they did have sex most of the time, they took the time to just lay there and hold each other too. While Y/N was busy doing her homework in the library George would just sit there with her, sometimes working on stuff for the joke shop, but sometimes just sitting there and watching her work.

But by far the biggest change was one that rested in Y/N’s hands alone, she needed to set new boundaries with Adrian. Her friends had become her security blanket over the years, their friendship began on that first train ride to Hogwarts, when they were all nervous and scared. She relied on them heavily to be her emotional support, and when George came into her life Y/N made no efforts to change any of that. Y/N had thought George could just slip into their friend group as if he had always been there, but it quickly became clear that wasn’t the case.

Her relationship with Adrian was definitely the biggest point of contention in her and George’s relationship, and was thus the one thing that really changed. It was common for her and Adrian to be physically affectionate towards each other. An arm around the shoulders, a tight hug after a long day, even the occasional hand holding. Y/N hadn’t realized how that might hurt George, and so she put a stop to it immediately. On the occasions where she did sit with her friends at meals she stuck by Daphne’s side, instead of falling into her usual seat next to Adrian. She stopped wearing his Quidditch jumpers to their matches and she made sure to quiet his flirtatious comments, reminding him that she has a boyfriend now, and comments like that make her and George uncomfortable.

So now being close with Adrian feels too close, and while he tries to linger in her grasp Y/N pulls away with a tight grin. “I can’t believe it, we’re finally done!”

“This is the last chance we have, Y/N,” Adrian starts, placing his hands on her hips. Before Y/N can shake off his grasp Adrian lurches forward and presses their lips together.

Y/N moves her face away and tries to push Adrian off of her. “Adrian, stop. I’m with George, you know that.”

“But you could be with me. You should be with me,” Adrian tells her, tightening his grip on her hips. “That’s how it was supposed to be, Y/N. Marcus and Daphne would get married, we would get married. Our kids would grow up together, we’d stand on the same platform we met on holding hands as we send our kids off to school. I love you. And you were supposed to love me too.”

Before Y/N has a chance to respond, a familiar hand is grabbing Adrian’s shoulder and pulling him away from Y/N. George stands in between them, and while Y/N can’t see George’s face, she can tell from the way his back muscles are tensed that he’s pissed.

“What the hell are you doing, Pucey?” George spits. “Y/N doesn’t feel that way about you. She never has and she never will. If this wasn’t supposed to be a special day for her I’d knock your fucking lights out like I’ve wanted to since November. So, get the fuck out of here before I make you get the fuck out of here.”

Y/N wraps her arms around George’s neck as he turns around, watching Adrian stalk off over his shoulder.

-

“Long time no see, Y/N,” he taunts, keeping his wand pointed at her.

Y/N tightens her grip on her wand, keeping it at his chest. Their friendship may have ended in disaster, but she hopes that the years of memories they had before that keep him from doing anything. Adrian may not be the person she thought he was, but Y/N doesn’t want to hurt him. “How’ve you been?” she asks, trying to keep her voice even.

Adrian scoffs. “Don’t act like you care about me now, Y/N. You had your chance to be with me. And you gave it up, for what? True Love?” his voice is mocking, condescending and it makes Y/N’s stomach turn. “But where’s Weasley now? When you need him most?” Adrian’s eyes fall from Y/N’s face to her neck and she lets out a gasp as he places his wand on her chest and lifts up the end of her necklace with it. The tip of his wand is now directly in front of her neck, and a cold sweat runs down her back. “Still wearing this cheap necklace, I see. If you were mine you’ d be dripping with diamonds and pearls. You’d want for nothing.”

“All I want is George,” Y/N answers firmly. Y/N hasn’t taken the necklace George gave her for their first Christmas together off since the day he put it on her neck. It’s like a promise ring, it’s George’s promise of forever, and in these times she’s needed it now more than ever. “So, go head and kill me, or Crucio me, or do whatever you want. But I’m gonna die thinking about George, I’m going to die loving George. And I hope that knowledge drives you crazy for the rest of your life.” Y/N closes her eyes as Adrian’s mouth opens, getting ready to cast her own curse. But before either of them can say anything a familiar voice is casting a curse of their own.

“Stupefy!” George shouts, his wand aimed directly at Adrian’s back.

Y/N’s eyes pop back open as Adrian’s body slumps to the ground, and there George is, standing just a few feet away, his stance firm and his wand raised high. Tears start to spill down her cheeks as she steps over Adrian’s unconscious body before Y/N is running at full speed towards her boyfriend and jumping into his open arms. “Oh my god Georgie,” she sobs, pressing her face into his neck.

“Hi teacup,” he chuckles, wrapping his arms firmly around her waist. He can hear her laugh at the nickname, and George presses a kiss to Y/N’s temple. “I’ve been looking all over for you, darling. I’ve been losing my fucking mind.”

Y/N pulls away from George’s neck so she can kiss him desperately. It’s been far too long since she last saw him, and Y/N can’t help but think about the last time George held her like this.

-

“Y/N! Grab my hand!” George shouts, reaching out to her.

Y/N shouts a curse at a snatcher as she runs towards George, gripping onto his hand tightly with her own. She shuts her eyes tight as George pulls her into his chest, and it feels like all the air is being sucked from her lungs as George disapperates them to safety.

“Fucking hell,” Y/N groans as she lands on her back in the middle of a field, George landing right on top of her. George’s fingers dig into her sides and Y/N laughs as she pushes at his shoulders. “Get off of me you oaf I’m suffocating!”

They both giggle as George rolls off of Y/N, settling on his back next to her. “Are you okay, teacup?”

Y/N takes a few deep breaths, trying to find the answer to George’s question. Official Order business put them in the middle of some forest on the outskirts of Essex, and just before they were leaving they ran into a band of snatchers. They ran and fought them for nearly 20 minutes before George had managed to take them to wherever they are now.

“I’m okay,” Y/N answers honestly a few minutes later. She turns onto her side so she can look down at George. “Are you doing okay? Where are we?”

“Aunt Muriel’s house is about 100 yards north of us, we used to play Quidditch out here when we’d visit her as kids. It’s the only place I could think of that would be safe and secluded.” George reaches up and tucks a stray piece of hair behind Y/N’s ear. “I’m doing okay. Better now that I’m here with you.”

Y/N smiles at George sadly and leans down to kiss him softly. After the ministry fell Y/N left her training program at St. Mungo’s to work for the Order full time, and she was placed in a safe house up in Wales. Weasleys’ Wizard Wheezes has been closed for weeks, and Fred and George have turned it into Potterwatch Headquarters. It’s now early November, and Y/N hasn’t seen George since the beginning of August at Bill and Fleur’s wedding.

“I wish I could come home,” she says quietly, running her fingers through George’s hair. He hasn’t been home for Molly to cut it and it’s starting to get long again. “It’s so lonely up in Wales without you. Feels like I can’t get a proper nights sleep without you in bed next to me.”

George grabs Y/N’s chin and pulls her down into a searing kiss. “Our bed is cold without you, teacup. Your pillow doesn’t even smell like you anymore.” He reaches up then and untucks her necklace from the collar of her shirt. “Still wearing this old thing?” he teases, toying with the charms. “I should get you something new, flashier. Even with Diagon Alley closed we’ve been doing some mail order business. And I’ve got all that savings. Could get you something nice.”

Y/N scoffs and slaps George on the chest playfully. “I love my necklace, Georgie. You act like you still don’t wear that stupid teapot pin every day,” she teases. “Teapots are kinda our thing and I love that. Besides you should spend your savings on something important. Like a new broom or something.”

“Or an engagement ring, or a wedding, or a house,” George muses with a grin. “I’m gonna end up spending it on you either way, Y/N. You take your pick.”

“Stop, don’t say that,” Y/N responds, her cheeks flushing pink.

George pulls Y/N onto his chest, wrapping his arms around her waist. “I promised you forever, didn’t I, Y/N? Once this war is over I’m going to put the fattest diamond money can buy on your ring finger and officially make you mine forever. Got it?”

“It doesn’t have to be the fattest diamond, just something simple and classy,” Y/N mumbles, pressing her face into George’s chest. She can feel his laughter rumble in his chest, and she smiles against his shirt. “I wish we could just lay here forever.”

“Me too,” George responds quietly, pressing a kiss to the top of her head. “I love you. So much that it hurts sometimes. You know that, right?”

Y/N looks up at George, a look of concern on her features. “Of course, George. I love you too.”

“I just,” George pauses to clear his throat, needing to choke back the rush of emotion he’s suddenly feeling. “I need you to know, how much you mean to me. In case, in case this is the last time you ever see me. This war, everything is so uncertain. I could die, I just-,” George’s words cut off as he suddenly sobs, and hot tears start to roll down his cheeks.

“Georgie,” Y/N coos, pressing a kiss to the underside of his jaw. She rolls off of him then onto her back, pulling George so he’s half laying on top of her with his head resting on her chest. She starts to run a hand through his hair, while the other rubs his back soothingly. “You can’t think about stuff like that, okay? I know things are scary out there but we gotta stay focused on the positive. That fat diamond and the big wedding and the house. The dog, the chickens, the babies. How am I gonna get my six little ginger babies if you die? Hm?”

“Six?” George asks with a sniffle. “I thought we agreed on four.”

“Yeah well I’ve had a lot of time to think while I’ve been on my own and I changed my mind,” Y/N chuckles. “Either way you have to stay alive in order to give me all that. So promise me George, that you’ll stay alive. That you’ll fight hard, for me. For you. For our ginger babies.”

George picks his head up and pulls Y/N’s face down to his, kissing her slowly and with so much love it makes his head dizzy. “I promise. Forever.”

-

That moment was already six months ago, but to Y/N it’s felt like a lifetime, so she hugs him a bit tighter, trying to convey six months’ worth of feelings and sentiments into one embrace. Time is not on their side, and while Y/N would happily stand here in George’s embrace for the next few weeks, if they both plan on staying alive they can’t linger too long.

“Are you okay? Are you hurt?” Y/N asks, pulling away slightly so she can properly look at George. There’s dust and debris all over his face, she doesn’t see any blood, and as her hands roam around his torso and arms she can’t feel any bandages and he doesn’t wince at all.

George chuckles and cups Y/N’s face in one of his hands. “I’m absolutely fine, teacup. Not a scratch, I promise. Can’t give you those six ginger babies like I promised if I’m hurt, can I?”

“It’s seven now,” Y/N mumbles, pressing her face into his chest. “And I want a sheep too.”

“And a sheep? That’s it, that’s where I draw the line,” George teases, pressing a kiss to the top of her head. “What about you? Are you okay, Y/N? I thought Adrian. I thought Adrian was gonna kill you.”

Y/N shudders at the thought of what might have happened and looks up at George. There’s so much that’s happened since they last spoke, so much she needs to tell him. But now is certainly not the time or place for it. Once they get through this night they’ll have the rest of their lives to be together, heal together. “I’m doing alright. Better now that I’ve seen you. Have you seen anyone else?”

George shakes his head. “Fred and I got separated a bit ago, I saw him with Percy not too long ago, just before I found you. Ginny was on bridge duty with Neville and Seamus so who knows where she ended up. Dad and Mum were in the Great Hall when I left them, and I haven’t seen Ron, Hermione or Harry since the preparations began. But honestly I haven’t been paying attention too much. I’ve been trying to find you, teacup. I was worried when you didn’t show up in the room of requirement.”

“I was on duty, with Tonks. By the time we got the memo and got over here stuff was already going on, people were running around and making preparations and stuff. I tried to find you, but Cho needed my help. I’ve been running around this damn castle trying to find you,” Y/N explains.

Just then a wall somewhere near them collapses, and George covers Y/N’s head with his body. George kisses Y/N again as the dust around them settles, needing to feel close to her for another moment. “I love you. I love you. I love you,” he murmurs, pressing a brief kiss to her lips between each set of words. His eye catches the shine of her necklace and George reaches up, feeling the charms between his fingertips. “Just a little bit longer until we can have our forever, yeah?”

“As long as you don’t die on me,” Y/N tries to tease, digging her fingers into George’s shoulders. The fear bubbling in her stomach creeps into her voice, and she rubs her thumb over the teapot pin stuck to the lapel of George’s jacket, needing to ground herself with something familiar. “You can’t die on me, George.” Y/N can feel tears running down her cheeks, but she doesn’t move to wipe them away, not wanting to let go of George, even for a second. “I can’t live without you.”

“You’re my everything,” George murmurs, cupping Y/N’s cheek so he can brush away some of her tears with his thumb. “And you’re never getting rid of me. Got that?”

Y/N nods and leans up on her tiptoes to press one last kiss to George’s mouth. “I’ll see you on the other side, yeah?”

“I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

-

Y/N runs as fast as her legs will carry her back to the Great Hall. It’s been hours since she saw George and her hands haven’t stopped shaking since Voldemort started to speak to them, urging them to stop fighting and collect their dead. George could be one of those dead and even though Y/N’s eyes are blurry from the tears she’s shedding, she doesn’t stop to wipe them away. She feels like she can’t breathe, and it has nothing to do with the fact that she’s running. Y/N knows she won’t be able to properly breathe until she sees George again, so she just keeps moving.

Her legs are on fire when she reaches the Great Hall and as she pushes the heavy wooden door open her legs finally come to a screeching halt. There are makeshift gurneys all over the floor, some covered, some not. But Y/N is sure the one thing they have in common is the fact that there’s a dead body laying on top of it. She tries not to let herself linger on their faces too long, just trying to spot a shock of red hair.

That’s when she sees it. The Weasley family is at the other end of the Great Hall, standing around one of the gurneys. Y/N can see Bill and Fleur clutching each other, and everyone has tears in their eyes. She can’t see who’s laying on the ground, but as she lets her eyes pass over everyone a gut-wrenching sob leaves her throat as one thing becomes clear. It’s one of the twins. Whichever one is still alive has their back towards her with their head bowed, so she has no idea who it is.

Y/N’s knees quiver as she forces herself to walk over there, bile rising up her throat. He had promised. George had promised her forever. Had promised her that he’d stay alive. Had promised to spend the rest of his life loving her. They had planned out their entire life, and now that may be all gone.

“George. George, please,” Y/N chokes out as she approaches, her legs feeling like jelly. Whoever it is finally turns around, and Y/N takes her first full deep breath in what feels like forever.  

“Teacup,” George cries as Y/N launches herself onto him, his arms wrapping around her waist to hold her close. He presses his face into her neck and just sobs, his shoulders shaking from the force of his tears.

Y/N starts to shush George and rub his back, trying desperately to soothe him. It has always been Fred and George. The only person she ever had to share George with was Fred and she never minded a bit. Fred and George were the most dynamic duo the Wizarding World has ever seen, destined to live out the rest of their days making the world laugh and causing chaos wherever they go. But now it’ll be just George, and Y/N has no idea how to make that okay.

Fred and Y/N certainly had their issues. Years of hating someone will do that to you, and when she and George started dating it became a silent agreement between them to be civil. But now, looking at Fred’s pale face over George’s shoulder, Y/N can feel her momentary relief rush out of her body, and overwhelming sadness takes its place as fresh hot tears start to roll down her cheeks.

Her and Fred had just barely started to come together when the war started, and now they’ll never have that chance again.

-

“He’s fine you know,” Fred comments as he comes to stand next to Y/N. “You’re looking at him as if he’s going to fall apart into a million tiny pieces with a hard gust of wind.”

Y/N chuckles, and finally looks away from George so she can look up at Fred. Bill and Fleur’s wedding is in full swing, and while Y/N knows this is supposed to be a time to celebrate, a rare moment of sunshine in the darkness of the Wizarding World, panic settled deep in her stomach the moment she stumbled into the Burrow with Ron and saw George lying on the couch, bleeding out of his head and it hasn’t left since. Had the curse been aimed half a centimeter to the left they’d be at a funeral right now, not a wedding. Molly had managed to heal George up fine, and he’s been his usual jovial self over the few days it’s been since his injury, but Y/N can’t help but still worry.

“It makes me feel better,” Y/N admits honestly, letting her eyes find George again. “I’m afraid that if I look away for too long he’ll just disappear. That all my fears will be confirmed and there will forever be a George sized hole in my heart and my life.” Y/N swallows thickly, trying to push away the tears threatening to spill over her cheeks. “He could have died, and I truly wouldn’t know what to do with myself if that happened.”

“I thought he was dead,” Fred says after a few moments of silence, surprising Y/N. “When Dad and I got back he asked where George was, and no one said anything. Remus, Harry, they all just looked at us. I figured he was dead. That’s why they wouldn’t tell us. There was so much blood when we got in there, I actually thought he was dead. And then he moved, and it felt like I could breathe again.”

Y/N worries her bottom lip between her teeth as she watches George fiddle with the gauze wrapped around his head. She wants to just go over there and slap his hands away and remind him he has to keep it clean if he wants it to heal, a conversation she already had to have with him this morning after she found him sipping coffee in the kitchen with his toothbrush sticking out of the side of his head.

“It’s my fault. I wasn’t even supposed to go. But Tonks is pregnant, and she shouldn’t be putting her life on the line like that. Not even for blimin’ Harry Potter. George tried to convince me not to go. Said he’d worry about me too much if I was out there.” Y/N shrugs, taking a long sip of champagne. “Maybe if I had stayed here like I was supposed to he would have been able to dodge the curse, or he’d have been focused enough to send Snape out of the sky before he even got a chance to hurt George.”

Fred nudges Y/N with his elbow so she’ll look up at him. “You like, really love him, don’t you?”

Y/N rolls her eyes. “Really? It took George almost dying for you to realize that? Figured your first clue would have been all the times you heard us having sex. Or maybe the fact that I’ve been living with you guys for over a year now.”

“Okay, no need to be nasty,” Fred huffs. “Obviously I know you guys are in love with each other or whatever. But you’re like really in it, yeah? For the long haul. Thought maybe you guys shouting about how you’re going to be together forever was just some weird sex thing.”

“I mean it is a weird sex thing,” Y/N tells him, laughing as he grimaces. “But it’s more than that too obviously. There’s no person on this planet I’d rather be with than George. Or who I love more than George. He’s my everything, Fred. I’m not going to hurt him, I promise.”

“Better not,” Fred mumbles with a scoff. “I’ll curse you into next week if you do, bloody girl or not.”

Y/N can hear the smile in Fred’s voice, but before she gets a chance to respond George is heading over towards them, looking far too pleased with himself.

“Look at this, my brother and my girlfriend getting along, how cute,” he teases, wrapping his arms around Y/N’s waist. She reaches up to fix his bandage where it slipped, and her gentle touch makes his knees feel weak. “Just in time too. Be a bit awkward for Fred to be my best man if you two hate each other still.”

“Who said I’d want to be your best man anyway, git?” Fred jokes. “All this wedding crap is for the birds.”

George rolls his eyes fondly, pressing a kiss to the top of Y/N’s head. “Fine, I’ll just ask Ron or Harry or Lee. Maybe even Charlie. You’re not the only man for the job, Freddie.”

“But I’m the best man for it,” Fred responds, causing both Y/N and George to groan at his lame joke. “Try and replace me as your best man again and you’ll never hear the end of my cheesy jokes, moron.”

“No need to be feisty, I was just playing. Of course, you’re the only man for the job.”

-

Now Fred will never get to be the best man at their wedding. Or be there when their children are born. Or have children of his own. Just like how Y/N and George planned out their lives, he and Fred had done the same. Buying houses next to each other so they never had to travel far to see the other. They both wanted to have a boy first, close in age, so they each had someone to hand the joke shop down to. But in the blink of an eye all of that has changed, and Y/N doesn’t know if George will ever be the same again.

“You’re okay, George. It’s all gonna be okay,” Y/N coos, just wanting to calm him down. She presses a few kisses to the side of his face slowly, just letting him know that she’s there. Her arms wind around his neck as George’s grip tightens on her waist and she just hugs him tightly.

Y/N hears someone sob behind her, and she releases George so he can pull Ron into a bone crushing hug. She pulls Ginny into a hug next, letting the younger girl rest her head on her shoulder. Y/N isn’t officially a Weasley, not by any means, but this family has shown her nothing but love and welcomed her with open arms and she wants to do everything she can to help them through this. She and Hermione lock eyes, and Y/N can tell by the way the other girl is hovering on the edge of the circle with her hand on Ron’s shoulder she feels the same way.

Harry is hovering just behind Hermione, but instead of coming closer like Y/N expects he turns on his heel and heads out of the Great Hall. Y/N knows that can only mean one thing. This battle is far from over, and she hugs Ginny just a little tighter, hoping it gives them both the strength to keep fighting.

-

The sun is already high in the sky when everyone makes it back to The Burrow. They’re living in a new world, a world that will never be plagued by Voldemort’s darkness, but it seems darkness of other kinds has already started to take its place. 50 people lost their lives that night alone, not to mention the countless others who’ve been lost along the way. Death has touched many families in the Wizarding World, and everyone can feel its burden as they collapse into chairs at the kitchen table.

Molly starts worrying about food and making everyone tea, while George shuffles up the stairs without bothering to say anything. They all had lingered in the Great Hall for as long as they could, not wanting to leave Fred’s body there alone. It wasn’t until people from St. Mungo’s showed up to take away the dead that Molly and Arthur suggested they all head home, and Bill and Charlie had to practically drag George away from Fred. He barely even looked at anyone as they started to apperate home, and when Y/N tried to grab his hand he shoved her off.

Y/N tried not to take it personally, obviously George is going through the hardest moment of his life, but she couldn’t help but feel a little hurt. Her and George are supposed to be there for each other through everything, and it makes her chest ache that in the time where he needs people the most he’s pushing her away.

“He’ll come around,” Charlie whispers, nudging Y/N’s knee with his. She finally looks away from the staircase, trying to return his warm smile. “Fred and,” he starts, pausing to clear his throat. “George is tough, probably the toughest guy I know, and I’ve seen some things in Romania. He just needs a bit of time.”

“Thanks, Charlie.” Y/N takes a sip of her tea, just needing something to distract herself. It’s still fairly hot and the liquid burns the roof of her mouth, but the uncomfortable feeling of her singed tongue is a welcome distraction from the pain in her chest, and Y/N takes another sip.

“Y/N dear, why don’t you go ahead and owl your parents? I’m sure they’re waiting to hear from you,” Molly suggests, before turning back to whatever she has cooking on the stove.

Y/N rests her mug back on the table and plays with the sleeves of her jumper, trying to fight the tears that threaten to spill over her cheeks. “They’re um. They died actually. About three months ago now I think.” The kitchen goes still, and Y/N drops her gaze to the table as everyone turns to look at her. “They wouldn’t let me move them to a safe house, they kept going on about how they weren’t afraid of Voldemort, that they weren’t going to let him force them out of their house. But when death eaters come knocking you either join or die, so.”

Her parents may have refused to be moved to a safe house, but they allowed Y/N to set up an undetectable communication system, so they could at least keep in touch. When her parents went more than eight hours without responding to her last message Y/N started to freak out, and she convinced Remus to go with her to check on them. They were sitting on the couch as if they had simply fallen asleep together, but Y/N could tell something much sinister had happened. She managed to find their house elf Marjorie hiding in the garden shed, and she told Y/N everything that had happened. How people in masks had shown up and when her parents refused to leave with them jets of green light came from their wands. Y/N ended up being called away on a mission, and her parents were buried in the small cemetery at the end of their road, with no one in attendance but the grave digger.

Y/N can feel arms wrap around her, and she presses her face into Ginny’s neck finally letting herself cry. There wasn’t proper time for her to mourn her parents, not in the middle of the war, and as Ginny squeezes her tight Y/N finally lets the emotions that have been building inside of her for the past three months spill out. “They were my only family. And now they’re just gone and I’m all alone.”

“You’re not alone,” Ginny coos quietly, rubbing her back. “We’re your family too.”

-

George barely gets out of bed for days. The only times he moves are to shuffle to the loo or when Y/N or Molly is forcing him to drink water or eat something. His eyes are blank, lifeless and Y/N hasn’t heard him speak since the battle. He doesn’t even make sounds when he cries anymore, the tears just run down his face as he takes shaky breaths.  

And as much as it pains Y/N to see George like this, pains them all to see him like this they just let him be. Of course, they all feel Fred’s death. But no one, not even Y/N can fathom what Fred’s death feels like to George. So they let him lay in Fred’s old bed, stopping in to check on him periodically throughout the day and talk to him even though he never talks back. And every night before she crawls into George’s old bed Y/N is sure to kiss George on the top of his head and whisper how much she loves him before going to sleep alone.

The first day they actually force him out of bed is the day of Fred’s funeral. Bill and Charlie pick him up under the armpits and deposit him in the bathroom where Y/N is waiting, situating him in the empty tub. Y/N gives them both an appreciative smile before they leave, and as soon as the door is shut tight behind them she turns to George.

“Gotta get you undressed, okay bub?” she asks softly, kneeling down next to the tub. George keeps his eyes facing forward but gives a little nod, and Y/N takes it as her cue to get him undressed. Once she’s gotten rid of his clothes Y/N lets the tub start to fill up with water, and she runs her hand through his hair, scratching at his scalp as they wait for it to finish.

Y/N washes George quickly, just talking to him about whatever things come to mind. At one-point George reaches up and cups her cheek and Y/N can’t help but lean into his touch. It’s the first contact he’s initiated since they left Hogwarts, and it makes butterflies erupt in her stomach.

Once George is clean Y/N drains the tub and uses a spell to dry George off before pulling a fresh pair of boxers up his legs. “Your suits in your room. Do you want me to get Bill and Charlie or will you be okay going on your own with me?”

All George does is make a noise in the back of his throat, but he starts to stand up then, so Y/N lets him move, following behind him back into his and Fred’s old room. Molly is standing in the hallway, and she and Y/N share a hopeful look before they disappear into the room. This is the most life George has had in him since Fred’s death, and Y/N hopes this means they’re on the road to recovery.

“I got you a new suit,” Y/N tells him as he takes a seat on his bed and she heads over to the wardrobe to grab it from where it’s hanging. Her and Molly had gone to the flat above Wheezes the day before to grab some things for the both of them, but the main thing they needed was something for George to wear. The only formal clothes he has at the Burrow are the dress robes he wore to the Yule Ball, so they needed to get him something.

But as they examined George’s closet they mostly found t-shirts and sweaters, nothing proper for him to wear at a funeral. Turns out the only suits George owns are the few he rotates between for work, and when Molly had reached in to grab one Y/N put her hand out to stop her. Because all of those suits have a matching one hanging in Fred’s closet across the hall. And even though George isn’t ready to jump back into work Y/N knows that he will be, someday. And she doesn’t want any one of these suits to be tainted with the memories of Fred’s funeral. Not when they already hold so many happy memories. Memories of the first day the store was open, of all their late nights brainstorming new products or dealing with paperwork. Y/N had seen George at his happiest while wearing those suits, had watched him and Fred share mischievous smiles as their dreams became a reality. Someday George will step into one of those suits again, and Y/N doesn’t want the first thing he thinks about to be Fred’s funeral.

She gets George dressed quickly, pressing a lingering kiss to his forehead once it’s done. “I love you, George. And I know you love me too, even if you can’t say it right now, okay? I’m here for you always. No matter what.” Y/N goes over to the desk in the corner and grabs the teapot pin she bought for George all those years ago. It feels thin and flimsy in her hand, and she almost feels silly as she pins it to his jacket. Like she’s still that eager teenager, shopping in London with her Mum for the perfect gift to give the boy of her dreams that she loves with her whole heart. But it’s their promise of forever, and Y/N thinks George needs that now more than ever.

-

Fred’s funeral is packed, which is a surprise to no one. Fred was magnetic and left an impression on everyone he ever came in contact with. Y/N stays by George’s side, greeting everyone that comes to talk with them. Most of their classmates show up and Y/N even recognizes a few regulars from the joke shop. Even Professor Slughorn shows up, despite the fact that he never taught Fred, and Y/N is pretty sure she catches McGonagall wiping away a few tears out of the corner of her eye.

Andromeda comes through with baby Teddy in her arms, and even George cracks the faintest of smiles when the sparse hair on his head turns bright orange. The only time Y/N leaves George’s side is when Lee shows up and she goes to stand with Ginny and Harry who are comforting a teary-eyed Oliver Wood so that the two friends can have a moment alone. George doesn’t say anything, but when Lee goes to sit down George has tears running down his cheeks and Y/N goes back to his side so she can wipe them away.

Ginny ends up being the one to give the Eulogy. Both Bill and Charlie had tried, but every time they sat down to write something they just couldn’t get the words out. Percy had declined his dad’s offer, still too unsure of his place in the family and still too busy blaming himself to feel comfortable enough to talk about how much Fred meant to him. George had been the obvious choice, but he can’t even talk about the weather, and no one wanted to pressure him into doing something he wasn’t ready for. Ron had actually managed to write out a beautiful tribute with the help of Hermione, but two words in he got so emotional he started hyperventilating.

So, it fell onto Ginny’s shoulders to be the one to give the tribute to Fred. Y/N watches Ginny’s knees shake as she stands in front of her brother’s casket, her eyes never once straying to the cards in her hands. Her voice is clear and strong as she tells the story about the first prank she’d ever helped Fred and George pull off, but the tears streaming down her face glisten in the sunlight. Both Fred and George always held a soft spot for their younger sister, so as she stands up there and talks about how much she loved Fred it only seems right that Ginny be the one to say the final goodbye to him.

As Fred’s casket lowers into the ground everyone stands up, holding their wands high as they cast a bright white light into the sky. Y/N slips her hand into George’s, giving his fingers a tight squeeze as they give their final tribute to Fred. Ron waves his wand so a few whizbangs he and Harry had set up can go off. They had found them in Fred and George’s room so of course as they erupt into the sky the colors burst into a few different explicit words.

Everyone, even George, manages to laugh and it feels like the perfect way to send off Fred, the guy who dedicated his life to making people laugh and who died with his final smile still etched on his face.

-

“Are you sure you don’t want to stay a bit longer?” Molly asks, placing her hands on Y/N’s shoulders. “It’s not a bother at all having you two here. It’s nice, to have the house a bit full again.”

Y/N nods, sparing a glance over her shoulder at George. He’s sitting on the arm of the sofa, listening to Ron chatter on about who knows what. It’s nearly June now, and while things with George have been progressing slowly, Y/N is optimistic that they’ll only get better as time goes on. He gets out of bed for short stretches of time now, and when you talk with him he actually seems like he’s listening. He’s said a few quiet things to both Molly and Y/N, but when the whole family is around he tends to just sit there and let everyone else do the talking for him.

Things have started to get back to somewhat normal for everyone, and Y/N decided it was time for her and George to do the same. Bill and Fleur are back at shell cottage, working hard to get Gringotts back in working order, and Charlie finally went back to Romania last week. Arthur and Percy will be back at the ministry next week, and even Harry and Ron will be joining them for their Auror training.

George isn’t ready to reopen the shop yet, but Y/N figures just being back in the flat will help him continue to heal. “I think some normalcy will help George. Get him in a routine, back to living his everyday life. We’ll be back plenty, but I think it’s time we go home.”

“My boy is in good hands with you, Y/N, that’s for sure.” Molly leans in and presses a kiss to Y/N’s forehead. “And you’ll owl? If anything happens?”

“Of course, Molly.” Y/N gives Molly a final smile before turning back to look at George. “You ready to go home, love?”

George nods and doesn’t say anything, but the corners of his mouth twitch up into a smile. He takes the hand that Y/N offers him, holding it loosely in his own. He still isn’t as physically affectionate as before, but Y/N is sure that with time everything will go back to how it was before.

-

“Are you going to get out of bed today?” Y/N asks, unable to stop the annoyance that creeps into her tone.

It’s nearly October now, and things with George have only seemed to stay the same, if not worse. Some days he gets out of bed and hangs out on the couch, flipping through muggle tv stations for hours on end, holding small conversations with Y/N when he feels up to it. Other days he lays in bed all day, or sometimes for days, his lips shut tight and him barely eating. Firewhiskey seems to be the main component of his diet and Y/N has no idea how he keeps getting more of it after she pours it down the drain, since he never leaves the house.

Everyone has been coddling George, and while Y/N can’t even imagine the pain George has been going through, she’s nearly reached the end of her rope. She’s brought in several different Wizard therapists to try and get George to open up, but each one just ended up leaving the flat after a frustrated hour of George not saying anything. She just wants to figure out some way to help him, and he’s been completely unresponsive in the whole thing.

“Maybe,” George mumbles, rolling onto his other side.

Y/N can hear the unmistakable sound of a Firewhiskey bottle opening and she flips the light on as she enters their room, heading over to George. “Where the hell do you keep getting this crap? Give me the bottle, George.”

George makes eye contact with Y/N as he takes a swig from the bottle, draining quite a bit of the amber liquid. It’s the only thing that has managed to make him feel something in the months since Fred’s death and he doesn’t care how much it bothers Y/N. “Last I checked you weren’t the boss of me,” George responds flatly before taking another drink.

The rude attitude is something new too. Along with his lack of physical affection, some days when George finds the energy to talk his tone is always crass. He’s never said anything horribly mean, but the way he says things never fails to cut Y/N deeply.

“I’m just trying to help you, George,” Y/N reminds him, softening her tone.

George scoffs and tosses the now empty bottle onto the floor. “Well no one asked you to.”

“Because that’s what you do when you love someone, George. You’re there for them no matter what.” Y/N waits for George to say something, and when he doesn’t she lets out a soft sigh. “I’m worried about you, Georgie. You barely get out of bed anymore, you’re not eating. I can’t even imagine the pain you’ve gone through these months. But it’s been nearly six months, love. And Fred wouldn’t want-.”

“Don’t. Don’t talk about him like you knew him. You and Fred had one civil conversation over a year ago. You have no idea what Fred wanted,” George says harshly, cutting Y/N off.

Y/N can feel tears pricking the corners of her eyes and she takes a deep breath to try and calm down. She knows this isn’t George talking, it’s the alcohol and the grief, but it doesn’t make it hurt any less. “I get your upset George, I lost people I cared about too. But I don’t get all this anger. Why are you so mad at me? Is it something I said? Something I did? Just talk to me George, please.”

“You want me to talk? Fine, I’ll talk.” George sits up and crosses his arms over his chest, his eyes narrow as he looks at Y/N. “It’s all your fault, he’s dead because of you. I should have been with Fred. I could have cast a protective spell or pulled him out of the way. And he’d still be here. But I wasn’t with him. You know why? I was faffing about the castle looking for you, saving you. When I should have been with Fred.”

Y/N can feel hot tears running down her cheeks, and her fingers shake as she reaches up to wipe them away. “What are you saying, George? That you regret trying to find me? That you regret saving me? That you would go back and let Adrian kill me so you could save Fred?” Y/N pauses to swallow the lump in her throat. “You wish it had been me who died, don’t you?”

George doesn’t say anything, but it’s answer enough for Y/N. “Fuck you, George. I’ve spent the past five months of my life giving you my everything. Trying to help you, trying to make you feel better. And you’ve been what? Laying there wishing it had been me instead of Fred?” Y/N can feel her heart shattering as George just continues to look at her, the same cold expression on his face as before. “Well I’m done. With helping you, with coddling you. With everything.”

She can feel the necklace George gave her pressing against her skin, and while it’s normally a comforting feeling, now it feels as if it’s burning her skin and she reaches up, tearing it from around her throat. It’s the first time she’s taken it off since George gave it to her and as she looks at it in her hand Y/N wants to put it right back on.  But instead she throws it at George. It lands on his legs, and they both just stare at it for a moment.

“Take your promise of forever and shove it up your ass, George. I love you more than I’ve ever loved anything, more than I’ve ever loved myself. But clearly you don’t feel the same way and I’m not going to spend the rest of my life pretending that it doesn’t kill me inside that you don’t love me the same way I love you.”

Without another word Y/N storms out of their bedroom and out of the flat, unsure of where she’s going to go next.

-

“You look dreadful,” Percy says honestly when George opens the door. His eyes are red with dark circles underneath, his hair is a mess and the pajamas he’s wearing are wrinkled and creased from him tossing and turning in his sleep.

Y/N had sent an owl to the Burrow after she ended things with George, and Percy had been the one to volunteer to visit George to try and talk to him. He gave him a few days to think about things before deciding to come and see him after work one day. The war took enough from George, and Percy couldn’t sit back and let George destroy one of the last good things in his life.

“What do you want?” George asks flatly, shuffling over towards the couch. He’s felt sick to his stomach since the moment Y/N walked away from him. He was angry and kind of drunk and sad when they fought, and George hadn’t meant a word of what he said to her. But he needed a way to get her to leave. Because George doesn’t know when he’ll ever feel normal again, when he’ll be able to love her properly again, and watching her throw her life away to help him fight a losing battle was getting to be too much.

It started two weeks ago, on one of his good days. He woke up in the morning feeling like himself, feeling like he did before the battle of Hogwarts. George had finally had a dream, not a nightmare or darkness in his eyelids while he slept. It was an actual dream, and when he opened his eyes in the morning the images of him running around a backyard with a redheaded toddler on his shoulders were still fresh in his mind.

And when he made it out into the kitchen where Y/N was making breakfast, she looked gorgeous and the smile on her face when George greeted her was bright enough to light up the world. He finally felt like things were going to be okay. He didn’t feel haunted by the closed bedroom door down the hall. George felt like he was ready, ready to get his shit back together and give Y/N everything he’d ever promised her.

But then he found it in the trash. A letter from the head Healer at St. Mungo’s. She was inviting Y/N to come back into the Healer program, to finish the training she started before the war. All she had to do was send a letter back confirming her reenrollment. But judging by the fact that she hadn’t mentioned anything, and the letter was in the trash, George figured Y/N wasn’t going to reenroll. It killed him that she was giving up on her dream to stay there with him--he was having a good day, but George knew that tomorrow, he could wake up and be right back to struggling to get out of bed. Y/N wanted to be a healer long before George occupied any of her thoughts, and he couldn’t let her throw that away.

So that day, he decided it was best if he let her go. Y/N had given up a lot for George already. His insecurities back at Hogwarts led her away from her best friends, his grief stopped her from dealing with the loss of people she cared about, and now, his inability to get his shit together was going to stop her from fulfilling her dream--the dream that made George start to fall in love with her in the first place. He couldn’t let her give up more of her life than she already had.

When Y/N tried to talk to him that day, he let whatever vile words he could think of spill out of his mouth. Seeing her so hurt, so broken, crushed whatever part of his soul was left, and he couldn’t let her keep living that way. But seeing her tear that necklace off broke something inside of George. He finally felt something other than numbness, and it was complete and utter pain. It felt like his heart was torn from his chest when Y/N slammed the door behind her, and even though George knew not being with him is what’s best for Y/N, his heart still beats for her and he’s sure it always will.

Percy sighs and follows George over to the couch. “What’s going on with you, George? You’re not acting like yourself.”

“I wonder why,” George responds, watching Percy sink into one of their armchairs. It’s weird, seeing him here. Percy barely wanted to enter Fred and George’s bedroom when they lived at home together, so he knows something must really be bothering him if he decided to come to the flat to see George.

“This isn’t about Fred,” Percy starts, holding up his hand to keep George from responding. “I’m not saying that you’re not still upset about him or that your grief isn’t valid. I’m talking about Y/N. She owled Mum about what you said. And while I imagine you’re still very hurt, we all are, I know you would never say anything like that to her. I’m not going to pretend that I know what your relationship with her was like, but I know you, George. And I saw the way she took care of you after what happened. So I know there’s no way you could have meant those things you said to her.”

“I’m not good enough for her anymore,” George says suddenly after a few minutes of silence. “I’m broken, damaged goods. And Y/N deserves the world. She was wasting her life sitting here and taking care of me.  I couldn’t let her do that anymore.”

“George you’re not broken, or damaged. You’re healing, there’s a difference. And keeping all of this in is certainly not helping.” Percy sits back and just watches George for a moment. “We talked, down in the kitchen that first night after the battle, Y/N and I. I couldn’t sleep and she came down for some water. We were talking, and I asked her what changed, how she went from hating your guts to looking at you like you’re the only person in the world. Do you wanna know what she said to me?”

When George just shrugs Percy leans forward so he can look at George better. “She told me about the night in detention. About how you guys had an actual conversation for once. And that you made her feel like someone was actually listening to her. That you validated her dreams and made her feel like they were attainable. Y/N said that she told you stuff she never even told her closest friends, because just being around you made her feel safe, like she could be vulnerable around you.”

George thinks about that first night in detention often. After that night, he couldn’t stop thinking about Y/N. He even remembers having a dream about how nice her hair smelled, and how good it would have felt to run his fingers through it. He thinks about that night in the broom closet too, hiding from McGonagall; he’d wanted to kiss her so badly, being so close to her made his knees shaky and his chest tight. George had planned on kissing Y/N that night when he dropped her off at the Slytherin common room, until Umbridge had run into them. When they finally had their first kiss a few nights later in that secret passageway, George knew that from that moment on, he couldn’t live without Y/N.

“Why are you telling me this? It doesn’t matter now.”

Percy sighs. “I’m telling you this because you need to know that it’s okay to be vulnerable with Y/N. Keeping all of this in is only hurting the both of you, George. She very clearly loves you, and I know you must love her too if you’re willing to be miserable for the rest of your life to make her happy. But you can both be happy, George. Happy together. You just need to, and pardon my language, take your head out of your ass.”

George chuckles at that. “Wow, Perc, you must be serious, I’ve never heard you say anything so lewd.”

“Yeah well I slacked on my big brother duties for a few years, I figured it’s time to make up for it.” Percy pauses, pursing his lips. “Y/N’s staying at her parent’s house, getting it all cleaned out. Think about what you’re gonna say and then go over and apologize to her. You deserve to be happy, George. Fred would want you to be happy.”

-

It takes a few days and a visit from his Mum to get his haircut, but George gets his shit together so he can go and talk to Y/N. He spent quite a long time trying to figure out what to say to her, and while it’s not exactly perfect it’s what George feels and that’s what matters to him. Because there’s no doubt in his mind that Y/N is the only person he wants to be with for the rest of his life, and he shouldn’t let his inability to express his thoughts get in the way of that. They’ve already been down that road together before, and George vowed to spend forever with Y/N and he still plans on making good on those promises.

He pushes the front door right open, letting the noise of Y/N muttering to herself as she shuffles things around lead him to where she is. He finds Y/N digging through the drawers of the dresser in her childhood bedroom. She’s wearing an oversized t-shirt that George thinks used to be in his closet and her hair is tied up on her head. George can feel his legs shaking as he leans up against the doorway, and he takes a deep breath to calm himself down.

“Hey, teacup.”

Y/N jumps at the sound of George’s voice and she spins to face the door, her hand clutching her chest. “For Merlin’s sake, George. You scared the shit out of me.” She can feel her heart racing in her chest, and it’s not from the fright George just gave her. He looks good, like his normal self and it feels like she’s seeing him for the first time. Molly has definitely cut his hair recently, and even though he’s still in comfy clothes the Gryffindor t-shirt and sweatpants he’s wearing are uncreased and look like they’ve been washed recently.

“Sorry, love, thought you heard me when I came in.” George bites his lip, fiddling with his thumbs. “You doing okay?”

Y/N shrugs, looking down at the floor. George is the last person she expected to show up here, and she’s not sure how she feels about it. He’s been on her mind since the moment she walked out the door of their flat last week, and the last words he spoke to her have been running on a constant loop in the back of her mind. She’s still so angry and hurt over what he said, but Y/N would be lying if she said every cell in her body isn’t screaming at her to just go up and hug him.

“I’ve been doing better, than before,” George continues when she doesn’t say anything. “Percy came to talk to me a few days ago, made me realize what an ass I was. Though I must say he was much nicer than Ginny was when she did the same thing a few years ago.” He lets out a breathy chuckle, and his stomach flips when Y/N looks back up at him with a small smile. “I owe you probably the biggest apology I’ll ever give in my entire life and I’d love to give it to you if you’d let me.”

It reminds Y/N of that day on the train when their only problems were jealousy and what house table they should eat dinner at. Y/N instinctively reaches up to grab the charms of her necklace, her hand faltering when all she meets is the cloth of her shirt. It’s something she’s done several times in the days it’s been since she ripped the piece of jewelry off, usually when she was missing George and wanted to feel like a piece of him was still nearby.

“I guess that’s something I could do,” she says quietly, going to take a seat on the edge of her bed. She pats the spot next to her, encouraging George to come sit. His hands are shaking as he comes and sits down, and it takes all of Y/N’s restraint to not reach out and grab one of them.

“I lied to you. I don’t blame you, for what happened to Fred. And I don’t regret anything I did that night. If it had been you who died instead of Fred I don’t think I would have been able to carry on with my life. Because Y/N you are quite literally the only reason why I wake up every morning, you’re the reason why I have the energy to get out of bed somedays, and the reason why I feel okay when I don’t. Falling in love with you, being with you has been the best thing that has ever happened to me.”

George reaches up to wipe away a few of the tears Y/N has started to shed, his fingers trembling as they softly press against her cheek. “And even though I haven’t been the best person to be around lately, you’ve been by my side through everything. You’ve been so patient and understanding, way more than I deserve. You put your life on hold to help me, and I’ve been rejecting all of your efforts. I don’t know how to do all of this. How to grieve and handle my emotions. Talk about my emotions. And instead of just trying I’ve been keeping them all in, letting them settle in me and get worse. I haven’t felt like myself in months, haven’t allowed myself to. And yet every day you were there, with a smile and a reassuring touch, telling me how much you love me. I started to feel guilty, so overwhelmingly so it felt like my chest was going to cave in. Because there you were, putting your life on hold, giving up your dream to try and help me and I couldn’t even manage to tell you how much I love and appreciate you.”

Y/N reaches up and wipes away a few of George’s tears this time, letting her fingers gently caress his cheek. “George I didn’t mind, doing all of that for you. That’s what you do when you love someone. You make sacrifices, change your plans. I would give up everything to be there for you.”

“That’s why I said all of those things to you, Y/N. Pushed you away, forced you to leave. Because I don’t want you to give up everything to be with me.” George cups Y/N’s cheek gently so he can look her in the eyes. “You deserve to have everything you’ve ever wanted in life, and you deserve to have a partner that can be there for you. That can support you fully in everything you do. And I didn’t think I could be that person for you.”

“Didn’t think you could be? Or don’t think you could be?” Y/N asks through her sniffles.

“Didn’t,” George confirms, his voice serious. “Because living without you, even for a few moments was the most intense pain I have ever felt. And even though I don’t know when I’ll feel completely back to normal there are a few things I do know. I know that I love you. And I know that I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I know I want to support you and be there for you in everything you do. And I know that I want to try and be better for you. And for me. Most importantly I know that I want you, forever. I want all those things I promised you, the stupid diamond and the wedding and the seven ginger babies. I know that I actually want to live my life, not just watch it pass me by. And the only person I want to do that with is you.”

George pauses to dig around in the pocket of his sweatpants, and a moment later he pulls out Y/N’s necklace. Except this time along with the teapot and G charm, there’s a simple diamond ring hanging from the chain. “So I am so, so sorry for treating you the way I have, the way I did. And teacup, if you’ll let me, I promise to cherish you and support you and love you forever.”

It’s not the way Y/N ever imagined this moment would take place, but as she surges forward to kiss George properly for the first time in months, it feels absolutely perfect. She knows that they have a long road of healing and mending ahead and that their lives will probably never be the way they imagined them. But none of that matters. All Y/N needs and has ever needed is George. “Of course, George. There is no one else I want to spend forever with.”

George lets Y/N pull him into another kiss as he fumbles with the necklace, trying to get the ring off so he can slip it onto her finger. She starts to kiss down his neck, and George lets out a soft moan as he finally gets the ring in his hand. “Hang on teacup, wait a minute.”

“Sorry, sorry,” Y/N mumbles as she pulls away, her cheeks flushed pink. “It’s fine if you’re not ready to we can wait for as long as you want I just figured that-.”

George cuts her off with a laugh. “Oh no that’s not what I meant, Y/N. I am more than ready to be with you like that again. I just wanna put your ring and your necklace on first.”

“Oh right I kinda forgot about that,” Y/N says with a giggle, holding her left hand out for George. Between the war and George’s grief they haven’t been intimate in well over a year now, and Y/N’s fingers stopped being sufficient long ago so in her haste to get George into bed she completely forgot about the ring.

“You can’t not have your ring on the first time we do it as an engaged couple,” George teases as he slides the ring down her finger. The diamond glistens in the sunlight streaming in through the window and to George it looks as if the ring was made to be on Y/N’s finger.

Y/N examines the ring up close for the first time as she turns around so George can clasp her necklace back around her neck. It’s simple, but gorgeous and everything she’s ever wanted in an engagement ring. George finally gets the clasp of the necklace closed and Y/N shivers as the cool metal settles against her skin. A moment later George’s warm mouth is pressing kisses into her skin and she lets out a quiet noise.

“I missed you so much,” George murmurs as he turns Y/N back around, kissing her softly. He starts to slowly lay her back against the pillows as their mouths move together, crawling on top of her. “You did such a good job taking care of me, teacup. Now it’s my turn to take care of you.”

George helps Y/N out of her top before he starts to slowly kiss down her neck, his hands slowly rubbing up and down her sides. It’s been far too long since he showed Y/N just how much he loves and appreciates her, and he plans on making up for it now. He moves his lips down her chest, taking one of her nipples between his lips. The tip of his tongue flicks at the sensitive bud for a moment before he sucks on it gently.

“Oh, George,” Y/N moans, tangling one of her hands in his hair. She tugs on it lightly as her hips move off of the bed to grind up against George’s. She can already feel her arousal pooling in her panties and she’s ready for more.

“God you are gorgeous,” George murmurs before capturing Y/N’s other nipple in his mouth and giving it the same treatment as the other. “I don’t deserve you,” he mumbles into her skin as he starts to kiss down her stomach. “You are perfect in every way, Y/N.”

“I love you,” Y/N tells George quietly as he gets rid of her bottoms, lifting her hips up to help him. She shivers as she rests back against the bed, completely bare for him. His gentle touch on her knees makes goosebumps rise on her skin, and she lets out a whine as he spreads her legs open.

“I love you too, teacup. So much. More than anything in the world.” George starts to kiss Y/N’s inner thigh, leading a trail up to her dripping cunt. He pauses to suck a mark onto the inner most part of her thigh, just a few centimeters away from where she needs him most. George brings two fingers to her cunt, spreading her wetness around as he rubs through her folds.

Y/N’s hips grind down against George’s gentle touch, and she tugs on George’s hair when he chuckles. “Please, George. I need you.”

George slips two fingers into Y/N’s cunt as his lips attach to her clit, moaning against her when walls clench around his digits. He sucks on her clit gently, slowly moving his fingers in her, curling them with every push back into her entrance.

“Oh yes, Georgie, fuck. Feels so good,” Y/N groans, her hips starting to grind down against George’s face and hands. She spreads her legs even wider, whining when the fingers of George’s free hand dig into her thigh.

“Such a good girl for me, teacup,” he praises, pressing a wet kiss to her clit. He starts to move his fingers faster, scissoring his fingers to help stretch her and get her ready for his cock. “Making such pretty noises for me, just like you always do.”

Y/N lets out a low moan as George reattaches his mouth to her clit, bringing her free hand up to pinch at her nipples. She can already feel the familiar heat of an orgasm building in her stomach, and her toes curl as George’s tongue starts to trace patterns over her clit. “Love being your good girl, George. Always wanna be your good girl.”

George hums as he sucks Y/N’s clit harder, fucking his fingers back into her cunt harder. Her walls are clenching and twitching around him, and George has to grind his hips against the bed to get some relief on his aching cock.

“So close George, fuck,” Y/N moans, her toes curling as George’s fingers brush her g-spot once again. She can feel shocks of pleasure radiating through her cunt as her orgasm approaches, and she starts to move her hips sloppily, chasing her climax. “Can I cum? Please Georgie, wanna cum. Wanna be a good girl,” she babbles, tugging on George’s hair.

George takes his mouth away from her cunt and starts to rub harsh circles on Y/N’s clit. “Go on, darling. Want you to be a good girl and cum for me.”

With a few more pumps of George’s fingers Y/N is cumming, her thighs trembling as pleasure washes over her in waves. She can see stars behind her eyes, and she doesn’t even realize that she’s moaning loudly until George is kissing her and the room gets infinitely quieter.

George rubs Y/N’s hips soothingly as she comes down from her high, his lips gently pressing to her neck in a series of slow kisses. “Do you have any idea how fucking hot you sound when you’re moaning like that for me?” he asks, pulling away so he can look into Y/N’s eyes.

“I could wager a guess,” Y/N responds playfully, pulling George down into a kiss. She slowly starts to sit up as George deepens their kiss, letting out a moan against his mouth. Y/N trails one of her hands down George’s chest to his crotch, palming his erection through the fabric of his sweatpants. “Is this another present in your pants for me?” she teases, nipping at George’s lips.

“Why am I marrying you again?” George teases as he pulls away so he can take his t-shirt off. He gets off the bed then and starts to get rid of his bottoms, pulling them down slowly to tease Y/N.

“Georgie,” Y/N whines at his teasing, jutting her lower lip out into a pout. She gets up onto her knees and wraps one of her hands around the back of George’s neck as the other reaches down to wrap around his cock. Y/N pulls George down into a hot kiss as she starts to stroke him, her thumb swirling around the tip to collect the precum dribbling out, helping her hand to glide easier.

George kicks his bottoms off as Y/N strokes him, moaning into her mouth. “Godric I missed this. Missed you, teacup. I can’t believe I get to have you for the rest of my life.” He crawls back onto the bed as he kisses Y/N again, sitting down with his back against the headboard. His hands settle on Y/N’s hips and he pulls her so that she’s straddling his waist. “You gonna show me how much you missed me too?”

Y/N reaches behind her to grip George’s cock and she lets out a whine as she teases her slit with the tip. She lets George pull her into another kiss as she starts to slowly sink down, but it falls apart as her hips move and her mouth drops open to let out a few pants. “So fucking full,” she groans as their thighs meet, her hips rocking slightly now that George is fully inside of her.

“Fuck your cunt is tight,” George moans, digging his fingers into Y/N’s hips. Her walls are pulsating around him and he can’t help but jut his hips upwards. Being buried inside of Y/N feels like pure ecstasy to George, and it takes all of his restraint not to just flip them over so he can fuck into her hard. “How do I feel, teacup?  You like the way my cock fills you up?”

“George,” Y/N moans as she starts to rock in his lap, moving her hips in tight circles as she grinds down into him. She can feel George deep inside of her, and the way his cock brushes her g-spot with every moment causes pleasure to radiate through her core. “Feels good, so good. Missed being,” Y/N pauses to moan as George starts to help guide the movements of her hips. ��Missed being full.”

George presses his face into the crook of Y/N’s neck, letting out grunts against her skin as she starts to rock against him quicker. He starts to move his own hips up into her and her walls clamp around him even tighter. “You’re incredible,” he pants, pressing a kiss to her neck. George pulls away so he can look at Y/N leaning in to kiss her briefly. “Feel so fucking good, teacup. Riding me so well, Y/N. Being such a good girl for me.”

Y/N tips her head back and moans as she starts to move faster, desperately trying to cum again. Her clit is grinding against George with every movement and the way he’s stretching her out has gone straight to her head, and Y/N’s mind is clouded with pleasure. Maybe it’s because they haven’t been intimate like this in so long or because they’re engaged now but Y/N feels complete with George inside of her and she never wants it to end as she grinds down against him harder.

“Please George, please,” she begs breathily, digging her fingers into his shoulders.

“What do you want teacup?” George asks as he stats to thrust his hips up harder. Her walls twitch with every movement and he can already feel himself getting close to his release. “Whatever you want it’s yours.”

Y/N tilts her head forward so she can rest their foreheads together. She looks into George’s eyes and a shiver runs down her spine at how dark they are. “Just want you, Georgie. Please.”

George kisses Y/N desperately as he flips them over, pressing Y/N down into the mattress as he starts to slam his hips into her hard. “You’ve got me,” George promises as he brings one of his hands down to her core, starting to rub harsh circles on her clit. He braces himself on a hand above her shoulder and presses their foreheads together again so he can look into her eyes. “Forever, Y/N. I mean it this time. Forever.”

“Oh fuck, George,” Y/N moans as she cums, her legs winding around George’s hips to keep him in place, fucking her deep. Electric shocks of pleasure radiate through her body and her chest starts to heave with deep breaths as the pleasure washes over her.

Y/N’s walls tightening and pulsating around him pushes George over the edge, and he cums too, a cry of her name leaving his lips. He kisses her messily as his cock twitches inside of her, his hips slowly rolling to help them both of them through the tail ends of their orgasms.

“No,” Y/N whines when George moves to pull out, her legs tightening around his waist. “Not yet, George. Wanna be full with you for a bit longer.”

George chuckles and presses a kiss to Y/N’s sweaty forehead, carefully turning them on their sides so they can lay somewhat comfortably, his cock still buried deep inside of her. “Of course, teacup. Anything for you.”

“Forever, yeah?” she murmurs, clenching her walls around George.

He reaches a hand between them and presses the charms of Y/N’s necklace into her skin. “Forever.”

-

“You’re the most beautiful woman in the world, did you know that Mrs. Weasley?” George asks with a dopey grin as he twirls Y/N around in a circle.

They decided to keep their wedding small. Partially to distract from the fact that Y/N really has no friends or family to invite. But mostly because they don’t need all the theatrics. It’s the middle of June, and the backyard of the Burrow is draped in twinkling lights, making the warm air seem as if it’s glowing as everyone talks or eats or dances. George had suggested they get married as quick as humanly possible. He even tried to convince Y/N that they should just get a marriage license from the ministry and get married right in Shacklebolt’s office before they even had the chance to tell anyone they were engaged.

But Y/N insisted that they have some sort of ceremony with their family. June seemed like the perfect opportunity, since both Ginny and Hermione would be done with school and Fleur would have already given birth to the first Weasley grandchild. Y/N also thought it would give George some more time to deal with his grief.

After he proposed George really did start doing better. He started getting out of bed every day and taking proper care of himself. Y/N encouraged him to reconnect with his family and friends, and they even started leaving the flat together at least once a week. George started seeing a wizard therapist, and as he learned how to identify and deal with his emotions, Y/N watched the light slowly come back to his eyes. By Christmas he was back to joking around again, and he even charmed some mistletoe so that the people who met underneath it wouldn’t be able to move unless they kissed.

In the new year Y/N reenrolled in her Healer training program, and while being by himself again gave George a bit of anxiety, he packed a lunch for her and sent her off with a kiss on the cheek and a smile. And it worked out in the end, because George found himself so stir crazy without Y/N around that he managed to go back down in the joke shop. Y/N ended up finding him sitting in the office when she got home, some of Fred’s old notes clutched in his hand while he cried. She was worried that he would start to move backwards, but when George noticed her presence he opened up to her about how he was feeling instead of pushing her away. He managed to make the trek back down into the shop every day after that and now Weasleys’ Wizard Wheezes will be back open for business on July first.

“You’re only saying that because it’s our wedding day, Georgie,” Y/N teases, titling her chin up so he’ll kiss her. George presses their lips together briefly and Y/N rests her head on his shoulder, watching Arthur twirl Molly around on the other side of the dancefloor.

George presses a kiss to the top of Y/N’s forehead before resting his cheek there. “You think that’ll be us in thirty years? Dancing like fools at our kids wedding?”

“I hope so. I reckon we’ll be those proper embarrassing parents, like the kinds who’s kids hate going out with them in public,” Y/N muses with a laugh.

“You mean like your parents?” George asks softly, pulling Y/N into his chest tighter. “Your cheeks were so red the first time I met them I thought you were gonna turn into a tomato.”

Y/N turns her face into George’s chest to hide the pink flush of her cheeks as the memory of George meeting her parents for the first time comes flooding back to the forefront of her mind.

-

“Not another one Mum, please,” Y/N begs before picking up a pillow off of the sofa and shoving her face into it to hide her embarrassment. All her mother does is grin as she comes back into the living room with another album full of pictures from Y/N’s childhood.

It’s easter break for Y/N, and it’s only been a few weeks since George and Fred had their grand exit from Hogwarts. While George has been busy getting ready for the joke shop’s grand opening, he agreed to come to dinner at Y/N’s house so he could finally meet her parents. He was a little nervous leading up to it, unsure of how Y/N’s parents would take to the fact that their daughter is dating a poor blood traitor who’s a recent school dropout, but the second he walked through the door all his worries washed away.

Y/N’s family manor is large, but yet somehow still feels like home. It’s bright and warm and feels lived in. Y/N’s mother had hugged him tightly as soon as he stepped through the door, and her dad playfully fell to his knees to bow down to George, making a joke about how gracious he was that someone fell in love with his smart ass daughter so he wouldn’t have to deal with her for the rest of his life. Y/N was standing just behind him looking as if she wanted the world to just open up and swallow her whole, but George found it hilarious and gave her dad a curtsey in response, telling him that her smart mouth would greatly reduce the dowry he’d be willing to pay.

Even Marjorie their house elf had teased Y/N a bit as she brought them all drinks in the parlor. She said something about how the photo Y/N keeps of George under her pillow certainly did not do him justice as he’s much more handsome in person and Y/N’s cheeks went so red it was as if she had spent hours outside in the cold. They had only been sitting down for a few minutes when the first photo album came out, and now George is about to start flicking through the fifth.

George laughs as he takes the book from Y/N’s Mum, trading her for the one he just finished flipping through. “Oh, come on, love. It’s only fair. Ginny tells you embarrassing stories about me all the time.”

“Yeah, pumpkin. It could be worse, I could have Marjorie go dig the old Muggle video player out and we could pop some of the home movies into it,” her Dad teases.

Y/N groans at that and she puts the pillow down so she can glare at her father. “Fine, fine, the photos can stay.” She leans her head against George’s shoulder as he starts to flip through the book, and she just barely sees her Mum bring the camera out from behind her back before she’s taking a picture. “Mum! We talked about this, you promised no photos!”

“Oh, come on, one photo never hurt anybody. You’ll be thankful I took this photo someday when you’re old and fondly reminiscing about your youth to your grandkids,” Y/N’s mother says, putting the camera down. “And it’ll be a nice visual aid when I tell the story about how embarrassed we made you tonight at your wedding.”

“Can we not with the wedding talk? George and I are barely eighteen.” Y/N hides her face in George’s neck, her cheeks heating up even further when George chuckles and turns his head so he can kiss her on the temple. Both of her parents let out an aw, and she picks up the nearest pillow to throw at them.

George laughs as Y/N faceplants onto her bed later that night. They’ve just finished dinner with her parents, and Y/N snuck them upstairs when her Mum went to go find another old photo album. “You regretting asking me to come to dinner?” he asks, sitting down next to Y/N.

She turns her head so she can glare at George, but it quickly turns soft when he starts to rub her lower back. “They promised me they’d be on their best behavior. Clearly they lied.”

“It’s cute, that they embarrass you or whatever. Clearly they love you a lot,” George responds softly, giving her a reassuring smile. “How much of our wedding do you think your Mum has planned?” he teases with a chuckle.

“Don’t joke about that, George. Knowing her the answer is probably the whole thing,” Y/N answers with a giggle. She rolls over onto her back so she can look up at George, letting one of her hands reach up to run through his hair. “I hope they didn’t scare you away with all of their baby photos.”

“Darling if Daphne Greengrass’ iciest glare doesn’t scare me a few photos of you with some missing teeth is nothing,” George reassures her. “Your Mum even had me mark some of my favorites for her to include in the wedding slideshow when you went to the loo.”

Y/N groans and places one of her pillows over her face, before deciding to hit George with it when he laughs at her pain.

-

“They were quite embarrassing. Though I wish we could have seen the slide show my Mum was gonna make. Bet your Mum would have added a fair few photos of you to the mix,” Y/N points out, grinning up at George.

George leans down and presses a kiss to Y/N’s forehead. “And half of them would have been of Fred I reckon, we were even harder to tell apart when we were babies.” He lets out a quiet sigh and kisses Y/N’s forehead again. “I wish he was here.”

“I know, Georgie.” Y/N squeezes George tighter for a moment, letting her eyes wander around the backyard. Ginny has a very excited Teddy Lupin on her shoulders, with both Harry and Andromeda laughing as the toddler’s face and hair changes into something new every few seconds. Bill and Fleur are in the corner trying to coax a restless Victorie to sleep and Charlie and Lee are taking shots together at one end of the bar. Percy is standing at the other end of it with Ron and Hermione, telling them a story about his new girlfriend, Audrey. “Percy did a pretty good job though, as best man. Don’t you think?”

Turns out the hardest decision in wedding planning was figuring out who the best man would be. Ginny was the natural choice for maid of honor, but it took George weeks to pick out his best man. Both Ron and Harry volunteered themselves for the role, and spent more time arguing with each other over why George should pick them rather than trying to convince George why they were the best choice. Charlie actually took himself out of the running, since he’d been Bill’s best man and didn’t want to take the opportunity away from another brother. And Lee was pretty chill about the whole thing, he was perfectly happy just to be the one in charge of the DJing.

Percy had been shocked when George asked him. Despite the fact that Percy had really tried to step back into the family after the war everyone could tell he still felt awkward. He was always the first to head home after family dinners, and the one who opted to sit on the single armchair rather than pile up with the others on one of the couches. At Christmas after he opened his Weasley sweater he excused himself to the bathroom, and they all pretended not to notice the red rims of his eyes when he came back. He always waited for someone to address him before he spoke, as if he thought no one cared about what he had to say. Most notably he always braced himself when someone brought up Fred, as if he was waiting for someone to shout at him for failing to save his brother.

But George had reassured him endlessly that he was the only person he wanted to stand up there with him while he promised Y/N forever. For one because Percy had been there for George during a time when he needed him most, and he gave George the push he needed to make things right with Y/N. George also ended up admitting later that him choosing Percy to be his best man would have annoyed Fred endlessly, and it made him feel like he was pulling one final prank on his brother.

George hums as he nods, letting go of Y/N briefly so he can twirl her around, before bringing her back against his chest. “Who knew he could be so funny? I’m pretty sure Ron nearly threw up from how hard he was laughing. It’s nice to see him be comfortable around everyone again. Feels like it did before, you know. That’s what I wanted, when I chose him. For him to feel like family again.”

“That’s actually really sweet of you, George. I’m sure Percy appreciates it,” Y/N murmurs, wrapping her arms around his neck.

“Well it was either let him be the best man or name one of our kids after him, and I’m not sure I like the ring of Percy ll,” George says with a laugh.

Y/N rolls her eyes at that. “I’m revoking your naming privileges, George. You’re not allowed to name any of our eight ginger babies.”

“Eight? I thought we agreed on seven?” George asks with a soft chuckle.

“Well I decided I want eight. And a few hours ago, you stood up in front of our friends and family and promised to spend the rest of forever making me happy so it’s too late to take it all back,” Y/N states matter of factly, sticking her tongue out at George.

George shakes his head fondly and leans down to kiss Y/N slowly. “Fine, fine. Eight it is. Though we better start thinking about moving out of the flat then. Because if my height is anything to go by we’re gonna have some big babies, and I reckon we can only fit two or three of ‘em above Wheezes. And with the way you look tonight there’s no way there won’t be at least one more Weasley grandchild on the way when I’m done ravishing you.”

-

“How long do we have to wait?” George asks with a groan, flopping down onto the mattress.

“Three minutes. Same as when I told you before,” Y/N responds with an eye roll, throwing the empty pregnancy test box at George.

Despite George’s comments on their wedding night, it took them several months to even talk about getting pregnant. Once the joke shop reopened business was as good as ever. Even now eight months after reopening the store is still so busy that George has to sometimes eat his lunch while working the till or filling out paperwork. And once Y/N completed her Healer training she got stuck working the graveyard shift, so often the only time she and George saw each other was when one of them was coming home from work as the other was on their way to work.

Thankfully after a few months of hazing Y/N was switched to a much more reasonable shift, and she was back to spending most of her nights at home with George. It was then that they started discussing the next steps of their future, and both of them were set in the fact that they wanted to have a baby sooner rather than later. But they both decided to wait just a bit longer, until they had bought a house. Because even though they both love the flat above the joke shop, it’s just not big enough for a growing family.

Fred’s room hasn’t been touched since the Battle of Hogwarts. Y/N knows George has gone in there a few times, on the days when he misses his brother the most. But nothing has been moved or tidied up. There’re still shoes, and clothes and random papers all strewn about that George just hasn’t had the heart to get rid of. Y/N figures it helps George feel like Fred is still close by, so she doesn’t push him to clear it out. Except their bedroom in the flat was too small to have all the stuff needed for a baby, so they decided that a house would come before their family.

But as it turns out, there’s a possibility they’re happening at the same time. It took them a few months to find the right house, and with Y/N’s inheritance from her parents they were able to buy a nice piece of land out in the country with a beautiful house with enough room for the large family they both want. There’s a great little pond and a tire swing, and enough room for a Quidditch pitch too.

And Y/N had figured her missed period was due to the stress of the move. But a few days ago, she woke up from a dream covered in a cold sweat that made her start to think otherwise. Fred was there. He was in the field behind her and George’s new house running around in the warm summer sunshine, chasing after a little boy. And when the little boy finally turned to look at her, Y/N felt like she couldn’t breathe. His hair was the same color as her own, but his face was all George. The same deep brown eyes, the same light freckles dotted on the same pale skin. It was uncanny really, and when the boy finally noticed her he called her Mum and started running towards her. Just before Y/N could wrap her arms around him she woke up, her heart pounding and the image of the little boy still fresh in her mind. She decided then it was time to take a test.

“What a great way to spend the first night in our new house eh?” George asks with a nervous laugh, patting the spot on the mattress next to him.

“Certainly not the way I imagined us breaking in the new house,” Y/N responds with a laugh as she settles down on the mattress with him, the pregnancy test clutched in her hand. They barely have any furniture set up and their mattress is laying on the ground and yet they may need to start planning for a nursery.

George takes the pregnancy test from Y/N’s hand and puts it face down on the bed before he takes her face in his hands and kisses her softly. “I love you, teacup. And whether this test is positive or not I can’t wait to start our family.”

“I love you too, Georgie.” Y/N lets her eyes flutter shut as George presses a lingering kiss to her forehead, unable to stop herself from thinking about the time she and George first talked about having children.

-

“You still awake down there, teacup?” George whispers into the still air. He didn’t want to say anything and after falling asleep next to Y/N for the past year he’s gotten pretty good at telling if she’s asleep by the pace of her breathing. But the bandage wrapped around his right ear is making it hard to hear, and he needs to know if Y/N is still awake or not.

Y/N’s head pops up immediately and she looks over at George. “What’s wrong? Does your head hurt? It is bleeding?”

George chuckles and shakes his head, shutting his eyes when the room starts to spin. “I’m fine, I’m fine. Just an idiot, give me a minute.” Once George can no longer feel his heartbeat in his temples he opens his eyes and gives Y/N a reassuring smile. “Will you stop fussing? Mum’s done enough of that for you tonight.”

“I can’t help it, George. I thought you were gonna die.” Y/N’s voice cracks as the final word of her sentence falls from her lips, and she can feel the tears welling in her eyes.

The Battle of the seven Harrys had been a shitshow from the moment they left the ground. Y/N was riding a Thestral with Ron, and from the second they took off Death Eaters were everywhere. Luckily Ron is pretty talented with his defensive spell casting, and all Y/N really had to focus on was flying them back to the Burrow safely. Which was good, because the fight she’d gotten into with George earlier in the evening was still weighing heavily on her mind.

She wasn’t even supposed to be there. The original plan had been that Y/N would stay behind at The Burrow with Ginny and Molly, that way if anyone came back injured she’d be there to help assist Molly with any healing. But then Tonks announced that she’s pregnant and Y/N made Mad Eye Moody change the plan so Y/N could take her place during the actual mission. Which George was not happy about and they left the Burrow for Privet Drive still fuming from their fight.

“Teacup,” George coos, reaching out to stroke Y/N’s cheek. “You didn’t think you could get rid of me that easily, did you?” he teases, trying to get her to crack a smile. “Snivellous has wanted to take me out for years I reckon, it was only a matter of time before he tried.”

Y/N turns her head so she can kiss George’s palm lightly. “That’s not funny, George. You really could have died.”

“And you could have as well, Y/N,” George reminds her.

“Better me than Tonks,” Y/N mumbles, looking down at the floor.

“Don’t say that,” George responds firmly, gripping Y/N’s chin so he can make her look at him. There are tears spilling down her cheek, and George lets go of her chin so he can wipe them away with his thumb. Even in the dim light of the living room Y/N looks breathtakingly beautiful, and just the thought of living without her makes his stomach lurch. “Tonks is a big girl and would have been just fine going on the mission.”

“What if it was me? Hm?” Y/N asks, looking at George expectantly. “What if I was the pregnant one about to go on a mission that could kill me? Kill our unborn child? Wouldn’t you want someone to take my place?”

“Of course, I would, Y/N,” George chokes out around the few tears streaming down his cheeks. He’s not really sure when they started pouring out, but he imagines it was when Y/N mentioned their unborn child and death in the same breath. “But this is different.”

Y/N shakes her head. “How? How is Tonks being pregnant any different?”

“Because Tonks isn’t the person I want to spend the rest of my life with, Y/N. She’s not the person who I want to carry my children or raise my children with. It’s you.” George reaches down and grabs the charms of the necklace he gave Y/N, rubbing them between his thumb and his pointer finger. “When I gave you this necklace and promised you forever I meant it, teacup. I wanna marry you and have babies with you. And I can’t do that with you if you’re dead, can I?”

“You really think about all that stuff?” Y/N asks through her sniffles, her tone full of a mixture of surprise and disbelief. While she knows that her and George were both on the same page about starting a life together someday, she had no idea he was thinking that seriously about it. They’re just barely nineteen, and Y/N figured marriage and babies were far away in their future, so far away that they would never even cross George’s mind.

George motions for Y/N to come up and lay on the couch with him. “I’m not going to break. Get up here. I wanna hold you, teacup.” Once Y/N is settled on his chest, her head on his shoulder and their legs intertwined he continues. “Sometimes I can’t stop thinking about all that stuff. Like how we’re gonna get married someday. And live on a load of land somewhere. With some chickens and a dog. And a few ginger babies of course, can’t forget about them.”

Just George talking about them having children spikes Y/N’s heart rate, and she has to take a few deep breaths to try and calm herself down. “How many ginger babies are we gonna have?”

“Hm, I reckon maybe two or three? A boy first, and then a girl. And then I think another girl would be nice,” George explains, starting to slowly rub Y/N’s back. “Why, teacup? How many do you want?”

“At least four,” Y/N says seriously, tilting her head so she can look at George. “Two of each. Maybe even a set of twins. A mini Fred and George perhaps.”

George chuckles and leans down to kiss Y/N softly. “Really? You sure you could handle another set of me and Fred? We gave you quite a bit of hell back in our school days if you remember correctly.”

“Yeah and look at where we are now. Laying on a couch together talking about all the babies we’re gonna have,” Y/N points out with a chuckle. “Besides can you imagine McGonagall’s face when two mini versions of you show up at Hogwarts one day? Bet she’d quit on the spot.”

“Oh come on, good old Minnie loved us. And let’s not forget you caused a bit of trouble as well, Y/N. Just the thought of planting a garden still gives me nightmares after you dropped that load of Dragon Dung fertilizer on Fred and I,” George reminds her with a laugh.

“And you made my hair turn yellow for weeks! And made my tongue nearly explode,” Y/N counters. “You want me to list more? Because I can list more.”

“No it’s okay, I get the point.” George just sits there quietly for a moment, enjoying the feeling of Y/N’s weight on top of him. “Just promise me you’ll be careful out there, yeah? Can’t have our four ginger babies without you, Y/N.”

Y/N pulls George’s mouth down to hers again for a few moments. “You too, George. You’re kind of the whole ginger in the situation, so you’re pretty essential in the mix.”

“I promise,” George mumbles, pressing one more kiss to Y/N’s mouth.

-

“You think it’s been three minutes yet?” George whispers, bringing Y/N’s mind back to the present.

“Probably,” she responds, looking up at George. Y/N reaches up and touches his cheek softly. “You wanna do the honors?”

George reaches his hand out and grabs the pregnancy test, keeping it flipped upside down. “How about we look together?” When Y/N nods George brings the test in between them and he uses his free hand to grab one of hers. “On the count of three, yeah? One, two three.”

As soon as the last number leaves George’s mouth he flips the test over to look at the results. There’s two dark pink lines staring back at them, and her and George look back up at each other.

“What did the two lines mean again?” Y/N asks.

George frowns. “I was gonna ask you the same thing.”

They both start to throw their blankets and pillows away, trying to find where the box landed after Y/N threw it at George a few minutes ago. “Why didn’t you just buy the one with the words? You had to get the one you need a diagram to figure out.”

“I was overwhelmed, okay? I’ve never been in a muggle pharmacy before and there was like 25 different tests and I couldn’t tell the difference between them all and I just grabbed one at random,” George huffs. He feels his fingers skim over the cardboard box and his eyes light up as he grabs it. “Aha! Here it is!” George skims his eyes over the directions on the back a few times to make sure he fully understands them. “Two lines means pregnant.”

They both let out a small gasp as their eyes drop back down to the test still clutched in Y/N’s hand. The two lines look even more defined now that they know what it means, and when they make eye contact again there are tears pooling in both of their eyes.

“We’re pregnant?” Y/N asks breathily.

“Well I don’t know how pregnant I am. But you’re definitely pregnant,” George teases with a grin.

Y/N rolls her eyes and shoves George’s shoulder before she grabs it and pulls him into a kiss. “Can’t believe I’m having a baby with an idiot like you,” she mumbles between kisses.

“And I can’t believe I’m having a baby with a meanie like you,” George responds playfully, placing his hand on Y/N’s stomach. He spreads his fingers and presses down lightly, as if there’s something there for him to feel already. “I love you,” he murmurs, resting his forehead against Y/N’s.

“You talking to me or the baby?” she asks quietly, placing her hand on top of George’s.

“Both.”

-

Fred Weasley ll comes into the world amidst a flurry of chaos, and it only feels right considering who his namesake is.

The day started out like any other. With her maternity leave in full effect, Y/N decided to head to the joke shop with George. While she can’t do much of anything besides sit behind the till and ring customers out, it made her feel good to be helpful rather than just sitting around the house twiddling her thumbs waiting for George to get home. And she knew George liked the fact that he could keep an eye on her throughout the day.

The pain started not too long after opening. At first she just passed it off as normal pregnancy pains, because she was nearly full term and she couldn’t remember the last time she didn’t have a dull ache radiating through some part of her body. But by midafternoon the pain was radiating through her back and down into her pelvis and not even sitting down eased it. She tried to hide it from George, not wanting him to go into full panic mode during the workday. But then he noticed her wincing as she sat back down after lunch and George started keeping an annoyingly close eye on her.

And then her water broke. George was cleaning up around the checkout counter and some dust that had been kicked up irritated Y/N’s nose and she couldn’t help but sneeze hard. When the liquid first started to leak out she was mortified, figuring she’d just pissed herself. But then she stood up and a large flush of liquid came out along with the largest pain she’d ever felt in her lower half. Y/N and George had just stared at each other for a moment, before realization hit them both. Clearly this baby was coming and coming soon.

George had one of the shop employees send an owl to his Mum while he helped Y/N up the stairs, wanting to Floo them over to St. Mungo’s as quickly as possible. Every few steps they’d had to stop so Y/N could breathe through a contraction, and by the time they reached the fireplace in their old flat George was surprised the baby hadn’t slipped out yet. Except when he reaches into the bowl on the mantle to grab some Floo Powder his fingers didn’t find anything.

They’d had to shuffle their way through Diagon Alley to use the public Floo at the Leaky Cauldron, and by the time they reached St. Mungo’s Y/N was already on the verge of giving birth and both she and George were soaked to the bone from the torrential downpour the sky unleashed halfway through their journey.

Baby Fred was born as thunder started to rumble, and he let out his first cry just as a flash of lightening came crashing down. Y/N is sure both she and George were crying harder than the rain that was going on outside. Fred’s eyes were already open when the Healer placed him on Y/N’s chest, and he was blinking up at her with wide brown eyes. He was already the spitting image of his Father, but the tufts of hair coming out of his head more resembled the color of Y/N’s hair. And while Y/N has never been particularly confident in the magic of Divination, she felt deep in her chest that he was the little boy she’d seen in her dream.

“What’s on your mind, Dad?” Y/N asks George quietly with a grin. It’s well past midnight, and little baby Fred is sleeping soundly against Y/N’s chest. George has been sitting in the chair next to Y/N’s hospital bed for the past hour watching their son’s chest rise up and down slowly, a look of concentration on his face.

“You sure it’s okay we named him after Fred?” George asks, looking up at Y/N. “We could have named him after your Dad. I didn’t even think about that. I should have thought about that.”

Y/N chuckles and pats the edge of her bed carefully, inviting George to come and sit with her. “Can I tell you about a dream I had? I think it might make you feel better.”

“Was it a sexy dream?” George asks with a raise of his eyebrows as he comes and sits down with Y/N. He rests one of his hands on Fred’s back, lightly stroking it with his thumb.

“No, it was not a sexy dream you oaf,” Y/N responds with an eye roll. “It was a couple nights before we moved, before I knew I was pregnant. It was summertime, and I was out in the backyard at the house. And Fred was there. He was chasing this little boy around in that field, the one we turned into the Quidditch pitch. And the little boy, he had my color hair but his face, his face was all you George. And then he called me Mum, and ran towards me, but I woke up before he got to me.”

George just sits there for a moment, letting Y/N’s words sink in. He suddenly feels overcome with emotion as he thinks about what she said, and he has to wipe away a few of the tears that escape his eyes. “That’s funny you say that, because I had a similar dream to that the night we found out you were pregnant.”

Y/N raises her eyebrows as she looks at George. “Really? What happened?”

“I was back at the Burrow. It was empty, quiet. But I could hear a creaking noise. And I followed it all the way up the stairs, to Fred and I’s old room. It looked the same, except there was a rocking chair in the corner. And Fred was sitting in it, and he was rocking back and forth, holding a baby. We made eye contact, but he didn’t say anything. He just gave me a little wink and then I woke up.”

“I don’t know a lot about divination or dream analysis. I don’t really know if I believe in any of it either. But I have a feeling we had those dreams for a reason,” Y/N explains, reaching up to cup one of George’s cheeks. “Like that was Fred, I dunno. Hand picking his name sake or something. Someone just as mischievous as him. A little pay back for Percy being your best man, perhaps?”

George laughs quietly and reaches a hand up to grab Y/N’s intertwining their fingers and giving them a soft squeeze. “You know what, teacup. I think you’re right. I have a feeling we’re in for a wild ride. And I can’t wait.”

-

And what a wild ride it is.

By the time George and Y/N are celebrating their 10-year wedding anniversary their house is steadily filling up with kids and with all the trouble they get into it’s a good thing George pushed Y/N to fulfill her dreams of being a Healer. It seems every day at least one of their kids is getting injured in some way: a scraped knee, a bump on the head, a bit of smoke inhalation from a whizbang George let Fred set off inside of the house. With how wild and unpredictable their kids are every day is an adventure, even the most mundane family days always seem to end up with something unexpected getting thrown into the mix.

“Mum! Mum! Can you open this for me? Please?” Fred asks excitedly, holding a candy bar up to Y/N’s face.

She eyes him wearily, taking it from him slowly. “Did your Dad say you could have this?”

Fred grins up at Y/N, and he looks so much like his Dad that it melts her heart. “Well he didn’t say no.” When Y/N narrows her eyes at him he lets out a giggle. “He was in the middle of filling something out and he told me to ask you.”

It’s a Saturday, so the whole family is at the joke shop together. Once Fred was born George hated having to leave him and Y/N at home when he went into the shop, so she started tagging along with the baby. It was a nice way for them to spend time together as a family, and when Y/N went back to work and the weekend became their only full family days it seemed natural for her and Fred to tag along with George to work. Now several years and a few more kids later, it’s still Y/N’s favorite family tradition.

“And so, you decided to ask me if you could have the candy bar, by asking me to open it?” Y/N asks with a laugh.

“Well if you said yes to opening it, that kinda already answers the whole, can I have it question,” Fred reasons.

Y/N rolls her eyes fondly and tears open the candy bar. “Nine years old and you’re already trying to out smart me. I’m so proud of you.” She leans down to press a kiss to his messy hair before handing him the sweet. “Share that with your sister, yeah? It’s 10 am I don’t need you on a full sugar rush already.”

“Thanks Mum!”

Fred runs off just as George comes up and he watches his son disappear with a fond shake of his head. “Oh to be young and have energy,” he muses with a grin, wrapping his arms around Y/N’s waist.

“Please, you still have plenty of energy left. Or have you forgotten how we got into this mess?” Y/N asks with a grin, pointing down at her bump. In just a few short weeks their family will be growing by two more, and Y/N is already exhausted just thinking about having to run after five kids.

“Oh trust me, I definitely remember how I got us into that mess,” George responds cheekily, leaning down to kiss Y/N sweetly. Luckily the store has been pretty slow so far, and they can spend the next few moments moving their lips together softly, just enjoying being in each other’s presence.

“Ew, gross,” Freya giggles, standing up on her tiptoes so she can peer at her parents over the checkout counter.

Y/N pulls away from George’s mouth with a sigh, turning her head to look at their youngest. All that’s visible over the counter is her wide eyes and the mess of fiery red curls on the top of her head. “Can we help you with something, nugget?”

Freya’s head disappears then and a few seconds later she reappears next to George’s leg, raising her arms up and bouncing on her toes. “Up please!”

“Ah, the Queen has made her demands!” George announces playfully. He gives Y/N a wink before letting her go, and he leans down to grab Freya, placing her on his shoulders. “Is this high enough for you, my Queen?” he asks, tickling her sides lightly.

“Daddy!” Freya squeals between her giggles, trying to get away from George’s attack. “No more, no more!”

George chuckles and gives her one more tickle. “Alright, alright, no more tickles.” The bell above the door jingles then and George leans down to give Y/N one final kiss. “Duty calls. I love you, teacup.”

“Love you too, Georgie.” Y/N reaches up and tugs on one of Freya’s curls. Despite the fact that she’s only three and has quite a bit of hair they’ve yet to cut any of it, and Y/N watches the long curl bounce back into place when she lets it go. “See you in a bit, nugget.”

Freya gives a little salute as George starts to head towards the customer before tangling her hands in his hair and pulling on them as if she were pulling on reins. “Horsey, horsey!”

George actually starts to move as if he were galloping, and Y/N shakes her head fondly as their daughter starts to laugh.

The store starts to pick up then, and for a few hours it seems like there’s a never-ending stream of people filtering through the door. Every once in a while Y/N gets a glimpse of George over the crowds of people, since Freya is still happily sitting on his shoulders, and every now and again Y/N watches the crowd part as Fred or Roxanne run through it.

They’ve just opened back up after shutting down for lunch, and Y/N has her back to the shop as she sorts through some of the mail. She turns around at the sound of someone clearing their throat and her heart drops into her stomach.

“Daphne. Hi,” she greets quietly, stepping back up to the counter.

It’s been over a decade since she last saw her old best friend, but the memory of their last conversation comes flooding back to her as if it took place yesterday.

-

“I can’t believe you’re moving in with George Weasley,” Daphne muses with a grin as she watches Y/N pack a few things away.

It’s been just over a month since they graduated from Hogwarts, and with her Healer training starting soon, Y/N decided to take George up on his offer to move into the flat above the joke shop with him and Fred. Now that they’re both transitioning into adulthood, their free time to spend together is sparse, and even though taking this next step is scary Y/N can’t wait to be officially living with George.

“I know, right? This time last year all I could think about was getting revenge on him and Fred for turning my hair yellow. And now all I can think about is the fact that I get to wake up next to him every morning,” Y/N admits with a soft blush.

“Just George and his little teacup,” Daphne teases, laughing wildly when Y/N throws a pillow at her.

Ginny had once jokingly suggested Y/N get a teacup pin after she noticed the teapot pin Y/N bought for George, since they’re always together and Y/N is so much smaller than George. After that day George’s new nickname for Y/N became teacup. And while she pretends that it annoys her, deep down she actually really loves it.

“You’re one to talk, Daph. It’s only what? A month until the wedding?” Y/N points out with a laugh. The smile on Daphne’s face falters and Y/N gives her a look. “What’s up? You’re not getting cold feet, are you?”

Daphne shakes her head as she sits up, giving Y/N a look. “No, of course not. I like to give Marcus a lot of shit pretty much all the time, but I really do love him. There’s just something I wanna talk to you about.”

“Oh?” Y/N asks quietly, sitting down across from her. There are very few things Daphne gets flustered over, and with the look she has on her face Y/N can tell she’s about to say something serious.

“You um. You can’t come. To the wedding,” Daphne stutters out, casting her gaze downwards. “Adrian said he’s not coming if you do and he’s Marcus’ best friend and I just want our wedding to be perfect and I know he’ll be upset if Adrian doesn’t come.”

Y/N can feel tears start to form in the corners of her eyes and she quickly tries to blink them away. “What? Daphne we’ve been best friends since we were eleven. You’re not going to be upset that I’m not there?”

“No of course I am! Y/N you know you’re like a sister to me. But Marcus is going to be my husband and it’s my job to do everything in my power to make him happy,” Daphne responds, reaching out to grab Y/N’s hand.

But Y/N pulls away and stands up. “Daph, it’s your wedding day too. You should have a say in who gets to be there.” Y/N pauses and just looks at Daphne, thinking about all the things they’ve been through together over the past seven years. “You’re really going to choose Adrian over me?”

“You chose George over us,” Daphne reminds her, finally making eye contact with Y/N again.

“That was different Daphne and you know that. I put space between me and Adrian because he was breaking the boundaries of our friendship and it was making George uncomfortable. And it was clearly the right decision since he kissed me and tried to get me to leave George at graduation.” Y/N sighs and crosses her arms over her chest. “George didn’t force me to do anything, Marcus is clearly forcing you to do this.”

Daphne rolls her eyes. “Marcus isn’t forcing me to do anything, I’m just doing my duty as his future wife.”

“That’s a bunch of crap and you know it. If Marcus really loved you he wouldn’t let some stupid drama from school get in the way of you being just as happy as he is,” Y/N responds firmly.

Daphne stands up then, her expression angry. “Don’t act so high and mighty, Y/N. Just because you have ambitions outside of being someone’s wife or a mother doesn’t mean you’re any better than I am.”

“Well at least when I get married I’ll be an equal in the relationship, rather than my husband’s little pet for him to boss around,” Y/N spits.

“You know what? Fuck you. You’re not welcome at my wedding. Or in my life in general.” Daphne grabs her bag and starts to storm out of Y/N’s bedroom.

“Who said I wanted to be in your life anyway?” Y/N shouts at Daphne’s back, listening to the sound of the front door slamming shut echo through the house.

-

“Oh. Um, hi, Y/N. I didn’t know that you worked here,” Daphne responds awkwardly, placing the few things in her arms down on the counter.

“Oh, I don’t work here, not really. I just come in on Saturdays, with the kids. It’s a good way for us to spend time together as a family.” Y/N starts to key the products into the register, not really sure what to say. The air between her and Daphne is awkward, and Y/N can see Marcus fidgeting a few feet behind Daphne, looking at some things on a shelf with a little boy. “These for your son?”

Daphne spares a glance over her shoulder at her son and Marcus, a small smile playing at the corners of her mouth. “No, they’re for Adrian’s son. It’s his birthday today, we’re having dinner with them tonight. Although MJ does love his fair share of Weasley products.” She pauses, letting her eyes flick down to Y/N’s bump for a moment. “Is that your first?”

“Four and five actually,” Y/N responds with a laugh. She gestures to where George is standing talking with one of the employees, Freya back on his shoulders. “That’s number three over there, Freya and funnily enough she also happens to be three. And over there,” Y/N pauses gesturing to the pygmy puff cage where a little girl with curly hair the same color as Y/N’s is happily petting a little black puff. “is Roxanne, number two. She just turned six and has spent the past few weeks trying to convince us to let her take home another pygmy puff.”

Y/N scans the store for a moment, trying to find Fred. When her eyes finally land on him he has his knees hooked around a rung of the ladder George uses to reach products on the upper shelves, and he’s hanging upside down with a toothy grin. “Fred Weasley ll you get off that ladder right now! You’ve already cracked your skull open once this year and I am not cleaning up anymore of your blood.” Fred laughs wildly as he climbs down, and Y/N shakes her head as she looks back to Daphne.

“That’ll be Fred, our oldest. He’s only a few years off from Hogwarts, and is it bad if I say I’m looking forward to it just a little bit?” Y/N asks with a small laugh.

Daphne laughs as well, grabbing her wallet to pay for their stuff. “Oh trust me, I’m right there with you. I don’t know how you do it, we’ve just got MJ and I feel like I can barely keep up with him. I’m looking forward to the peace and quiet when he’s off at school.”

“George is a great help, I don’t think I could do it without him. He loves being a Dad, and he’s pretty good at it too.” Y/N hands Daphne her bag and gives her a final smile. “Thanks for coming by. It was nice to see you.”

Roxanne comes up just as Daphne and Marcus leave the store with their son and pulls up a chair so she can climb up onto the counter, being careful not to let the black pygmy puff on her head fall off. “Who was that, Mummy?”

“Just a girl I was friends with, back when I was at Hogwarts,” Y/N responds sadly, tucking a stray curl behind Roxanne’s ear.  

“Oh. You’re not friends anymore?” Roxanne asks with a frown.

Y/N shakes her head and leans forward to press a kiss to her daughter’s forehead. “No, not anymore. But that’s okay. We used to have loads and loads of fun together, and now I get to have loads and loads of fun with you and your siblings and your Dad.”

“I can’t wait to make tons of friends when I’m at Hogwarts. It’s so not fair that Freddie gets to go sooner than me.” Roxanne pauses, giving Y/N a cheeky grin. “Do you think if I snuck on the train they’d just let me stay?”

“Hmm, I don’t know love. Why don’t you give it a try when it’s time for Freddie to go?”

Roxanne giggles as Y/N presses a kiss to her forehead and she gives her mother an excited look when she pulls away. “Oh trust me, I’m planning on it.”

-

“You think she’s going to try and sneak onto the train?” George asks, leaning over to whisper in Y/N’s ear.

They’re heading towards the entrance to Platform 9 and ¾’s to send Fred off on his very first train ride to Hogwarts. Despite the fact that it’s been over two years since Roxanne first divulged her plan to sneak to Hogwarts with her older brother, she still hasn’t forgotten about it, and she had reminded Y/N and George of her plan last night when they tucked her into bed.

“I dunno, but I don’t think it would be a bad thing to keep an extra close eye on her,” Y/N responds with a chuckle. Roxanne and Freya are walking out in front of everyone, holding hands and twirling each other around. Their curls flounce as they move, and as if she can tell they’re talking about her, Roxanne looks back at her parents and gives them a wink.

Fred is in the middle, pushing his cart along all by himself. He insisted that he could handle it on his own, since he’s going to be off at Hogwarts, and even though Y/N can tell he’s struggling a bit the grin on his face keeps her from intervening. Not that she or George would be much help. Archer and Leo, their twins, are two now, and George has one attached to each leg, giggling wildly as he walks and Y/N has a baby wrap tied around her torso, with their three-month-old daughter Scarlet laying in it fast asleep.

When they reach the wall between platforms nine and ten, Roxanne and Freya pause, looking back at their parents.

“Can we go?” Roxanne asks hopefully, mischief in her eyes.

George laughs and shakes his head. “Let your Mum and Freddie go first, yeah? You two can go through with me after.”

Roxanne pouts but steps aside, nonetheless, pulling Freya to her side as Y/N comes to stand next to Fred. She puts one of her hands on his shoulder, and the other on the handle of the cart. “Ready?” she asks, looking at her son.

“More than ready,” Fred responds with a laugh.

They push through the barrier together, and the platform looks just the same as Y/N remembers. It’s bustling with people as per usual and as George and the girls join them they navigate through the crowd to try and find a spot to say goodbye.

Once Fred’s things are loaded onto the train, Freya and Roxanne are the first to hug him goodbye, but they’re both too entranced by the Platform and the train to really care that they won’t see him for the next few months. Archer and Leo are too busy chasing each other around the small area to care, but Fred grabs them both and presses a kiss to their heads before letting them toddle off after each other again.

George pulls him into a hug first, and his hands shake as a few tears slip down his cheeks. “Love you so much, bud. You’re gonna have so much fun, I promise. Your Mum tried to take it out, but I slipped that box of Wheeze products into your trunk this morning. Just send an owl when you’re getting low and I’ll send more.” He pulls away so he can look at Fred, and the bright look in his eyes reminds him so much of him and Fred when they were that age he has to take a moment to calm himself down. “I’m handing the prank torch down to you, and I know it’ll be in good hands.”

By the time Y/N is pulling Fred into a hug there are tears fully falling down her cheeks and they fall into his hair when she brings him in as close as she can. “Don’t get into too much trouble, yeah? But have fun and learn a lot, that’s kinda the whole point.” She pulls away to press a lingering kiss to his forehead and runs her hand through his wild hair. “And don’t be too hard on the Slytherins, yeah? Your future wife might just be one of them.”

“Ew,” Fred responds, scrunching up his nose.

Y/N laughs and presses one more kiss to his forehead. “I love you, Fred. Write loads, yeah?”

“All the time,” Fred promises. He reaches into the wrap to give his littlest sister a kiss on the head before he steps back to look at both of his parents. “Bye, love you guys.”

“Hang on, one more thing.” Fred pauses and looks up at George, watching as he takes the teapot pin off of the lapel of his jacket. “A piece of me and mum for you to have with you, yeah?”

It’s the first time Y/N has seen George without it and the tears streaming down her face fall harder as he pins it to their son’s sweater. Almost subconsciously she reaches up to grab at the charms of her necklace, letting their familiar texture soothe her as she watches Fred climb up onto the train.

Forever seemed like a long time when Y/N and George first promised it to each other on that journey back to Hogwarts all those years ago. But now, watching that same train carry their first born away as their other kids laugh and play around them it just doesn’t seem like enough.

[along-came-atsushi]

Akutagawa – Dazai – Atsushi: An analysis about their relationship

And why Dazai treats them so differently.

.

The symbolism of Atsushi and Akutagawa:

From their outward appearance and their design alone, Atsushi and Akutagawa are meant as opposites, but they’re also a duality:

Both wear black and white clothes, but whereas Atsushi is mostly white with a streak of black, Akutagawa wears mostly black with a streak of white. It’s even represented in their hair colours.

Besides this, there are many other things that mark their oppositeness and their duality to each other:

Atsushi is a member of the ADA, while Akutagawa is a member of the PM. Atsushi’s ability colour is blue, Akutagawa’s ability colour is red. Being a member of the ADA makes Atsushi someone who works for the “light and day”, Akutagawa is someone who works for the “darkness and night.” Atsushi loves cats, Akutagawa hates dogs. Atsushi’s ability takes the form of a tiger, Akutagawa’s ability represents a dragon, both creatures are important elements in Asian mythology. Ultimately, Atsushi symbolizes life or is associated with life, while Akutagawa symbolizes death or is associated with death.

Considering this, the title Shin Soukoku (Double Black) isn’t even a fitting name for them, since they both aren’t simply a double, as both Mori and Fukuzawa or Dazai and Chuuya were.

[Beware: Spoilers starting from chapter 83]

.

Dazai’s mindset and his relationship with Akutagawa:

1.) One of the reasons why Dazai’s treatment towards Akutagawa as a mentor was so cruel and brutal, firstly lies in his overall negative mental state during his PM time. He was visibly unhappy, constantly surrounded by death and violence, and more than now struggled with his suicidal thoughts.

Is it an explanation for his treatment of Akutagawa? −Yes, it is.

Is it an excuse for his treatment of Akutagawa? −No, it isn’t.

2.) Another reason is that this is just how things are done in the Mafia. There is no sense in handling someone with kid gloves in the PM, a place where you get killed for disobeying orders, where you shouldn’t see your peers as friends or get to intimate with anyone:

“It’s an unwritten rule in the Mafia to not stick your nose where it doesn’t belong. One must never open the door to another’s heart and try to judge them for the darkness tucked within.” – Odasaku

If it wouldn’t have been Dazai who taught Akutagawa in such a cruel way, with high probability, it would’ve been someone else. Or as Dazai explained, a sign of weakness will get you killed in the PM:

And Dazai had the absolute chance to kill Akutagawa after he disobeyed orders and killed a person captured for interrogation. His ability can nullify all other abilities by mere touch. He could’ve simply touched Akutagawa, so that he wouldn’t have been able to use his ability to protect himself, and then shot him on the spot. But he didn’t do that, because:

“Akutagawa – he’s like a sword without a sheath.” Dazai grinned from ear to ear. “He’ll surely become the Mafia’s strongest skill user in the not-so-distant future. But for now he needs someone who can teach him how to put that sword away.”  [...]

“When I first saw him over in the slums, I was horrified. His talents are extraordinary, and his skill is extremely destructive. Plus, he’s stubborn. If I’d left him to his own devices, he would’ve ended up a slave to his own powers until he destroyed himself.” – Dazai to Odasaku

He already valued Akutagawa’s skill and saw the huge potential in him:

I was surprised. I had never heard Dazai openly speak so highly of one of his men like that before. [...]

Dazai didn’t freely make people work under him, period; much less a boy on the verge of starvation in the slums. But Dazai seemed to have his own reasons for doing it. – Odasaku about Dazai

.

Something which is also later confirmed by Atsushi:

“I believe Dazai-san has acknowledged you long ago.”

Why is it then that Dazai still treats Akutagawa so badly and doesn’t tell his approval right to his face? Something that becomes Akutagawa’s main purpose for a long time, even after Dazai left PM.

.

Dazai’s relationship with Odasaku and Ango:

Dazai’s behaviour and actions when he’s with Ango and Odasaku clearly shows that he can be different and doesn’t treat everyone with cruelty and coldness, if he wants to.

But what’s the difference between the two people he considers his friends and the people who are his subordinates?

-> Ango and Odasaku value and respect life.

.

The reason Dazai becomes and is attached to Odasaku and Ango is their viewpoint about death and life:

“I would become a novelist and write a story about why the man stopped killing. But to become a novelist, I needed to sincerely know what it meant to live. – Odasaku

.

“You’re quite the interesting fellow, Ango. Doing that isn’t going to make the boss happy. […]” “You’re making records of the lives of the deceased. Am I right?” […] “The line between human losses and those of money and equipment begin to blur. There is no individual, no soul, and no dignity to death. But you’re fighting back against that.” – Dazai to Ango

This is the reason why he values them so much that he considers them his friends. He’s not friends with them because he gains something from it, or because they have interesting abilities, or because they are on the same intellectual level as him (which they aren’t). Something that gets emphasized by Odasaku’s rank. He descended from an assassin (a high reputation in the PM) to a maid-of-all-work and an errand boy (a low reputation in the PM).

Dazai is attracted to and fascinated by people who value life – something you don’t find in the PM, and something he himself struggles to understand. Probably because there never was a person who taught him this. Like a curious child, he turns to people who he knows have a better understanding in this than him.

He even becomes very irritated when one of his subordinates questions his friendship with Odasaku:

“Dazai, sir, I don’t mean to be rude, but… I saw him [Odasaku] sweeping behind the office the other day. A man of his status isn’t qualified to be your friend, let alone with an enemy like this.” Dazai stared, flabbergasted, at his underling.

“Are you joking? Odasaku’s not qualified?” Dazai asked, thoroughly surprised. […] “You fools!” Dazai’s lips curled into a sneer in genuine disgust.

This respect doesn’t solely concern Odasaku and Ango. Hirotsu is also one of the very few people he respects for this reason. Even though Hirotsu may not value life in the same terms as Odasaku and Ango do, but he also doesn’t lightly throw away his subordinates lives either:

“���Ha-ha! Just kidding!” Dazai abruptly added in a cheery tone. Hirotsu stared back at him, confused. “The reason you have so many people following you is that you don’t turn your back on them. I’ll leave things in your hands. I won’t tell the boss.”

It’s only when Odasaku dies in Dazai’s arms and tells him to go protect the living, that he starts to change his behaviour and viewpoint.

.

Dazai and his many failed suicide attempts:

Why is it that Dazai − a genius, a manipulator, someone who exactly knows how the human psyche works, someone who’s predictions always come true and who has plans within plans – then always fails when he tries to kill himself?

Dazai has read the book “The Complete Suicide” so often that he can cite it in his sleep. He has engaged in torture and killed many people. He knew exactly how to involve Ango and himself in a car crash without them dying.

If he really wanted to, he could’ve already killed himself many times ago. He claims that “he doesn’t like pain and suffering”, which according to him is the reason why his suicide attempts fail. But there are ways how he could kill himself without just that. It’s just that he doesn’t WANT to die.

„I thought if all went well, I could die a heroic death on the battlefield. But the dozen or so armed guys who showed up were a real scrappy bunch. […] Thus, I unfortunately avoided death once again.”

He always tells that something inconvenient happened that kept him from dying. But sometimes people around him notice that there’s something wrong in his attempts:

“I was walking and reading a book called ‘How To Not Get Hurt Out Of The Blue’ and fell into a drainage ditch.” A surprisingly absurd reason. – Odasaku and Dazai

.

“I glance at his desk and see the blasphemous book he bought the other day, ‘The Complete Suicide’, opened to a page titled ‘Death by Poisoning Mushrooms.’ Next to the book lies a plate with a half-eaten mushroom on it. However, upon further inspection, it appears to be a slightly different color from the one in the book. – Kunikida about Dazai

.

“I thought you [Gide] were similar to Dazai at first, rushing into battle and wishing for death without even considering the value of your own life. But he’s different. […] And he’s just a child−a sobbing child abandoned in the darkness of a world far emptier than the one we’re seeing.” – Odasaku to Gide about Dazai.

Dazai is a person who actively seeks life and wants to be freed from his own philosophy. He’s struggling between seeking death, which he thinks is the only way to free him from his loneliness and suffering, and seeking life for the simple reason that he doesn’t want to die.

.

Dazai’s relationship with Atsushi:

Atsushi saved Dazai from drowning despite the fact that he himself was on the brink of starvation. The first thing Dazai got attached to Atsushi is his view on life. Despite the abuse he suffered, Atsushi seeks life and wants to live, makes it even his reason to fight and his life motto.

“The lives of those who can’t save anyone have no value”. In that moment an idea suddenly popped into my mind. […] If by any chance I can let the passengers return home save and sound does that prove that it’s okay for me to live?”

Throughout the story, Atsushi transfers his viewpoint and determination to characters who have a connection to death, darkness and/or suffering (e.g. Kyouka, Lucy).

The reason Atsushi values life, being the symbolical personification of it, is the reason why Dazai is able to treat him much better than Akutagawa.

.

Forming Shin Soukoku:

Dazai says that Akutagawa is a highly skilled student, but he needs someone to sharpen him. He instantly decides and plans to team him up with Atsushi, the moment he meets him. He knows that Atsushi, due to his view on life, is the only one who can teach Akutagawa to value life himself and to change as a person. In other words “the one who can teach him how to put that sword away”.

This is something Dazai in the past couldn’t and still can’t teach Akutagawa (or anyone at all for that matter). Because he himself needs and wants to be taught that, so he seeks people who are able to give him a different understanding in this (see Ango and Odasaku). Vice versa Akutagawa isn’t able to teach Dazai how to value life, because he himself represents death and has a strong connection to it. It’s one of the very first things he says when he gets introduced in the story:

“Fear death. Fear slaughter. Those who desire death have an equal desire to die.”

Even though Atsushi’s words may seem very harsh, but it IS one of the reasons why Dazai so abruptly abandoned Akutagawa. Is it an explanation? −Yes, it is. Is it an excuse? −No, it isn’t.

Another reason is that Dazai tries to flee from his responsibilities, his past and the terrible things he has done (including Akutagawa’s abuse), because he is not able to face them. Not now that is. He is still in need of guidance and of change, in order to be able to do this.

[Side note: Dazai and guilt is something that can be analysed in its very own meta. I’m not expanding on it further here].

Akutagawa’s connection to death gets emphasized by him even disobeying orders to not kill, for the sole reason that in his mind, killing is much simpler and more effective. He lashes out and tries to kill the people who are respected by Dazai and/or considered friends, even though he should know that an action like this will definitely not get him the approval he so wants.

He was willing to kill Atsushi, even though his mission was to capture him alive, ignoring the possible consequences this would have had for him.

But throughout the story Akutagawa changes his viewpoint. He thinks that the reason why Dazai acknowledges Atsushi and puts him above him, is because he is a better (better in the sense of physical and ability strength) subordinate than him. But he realizes that this can’t be the case and questions it more than once:

His former pure jealousy and grudge towards Atsushi (something which he also felt for Odasaku) slowly turns into questioning, trying to understand what differs them from each other. Dazai knows very well that Akutagawa is still obsessed with him and his approval. Therefore if necessary, he uses this to manipulate him, if it’s to either protect/help Atsushi or to get them both to work together:

Akutagawa starts to constantly challenge Atsushi, questioning him, and demanding him for an answer. It’s only when Akutagawa saves Yokohoma from the Moby Dick crash, that Dazai openly tells him “you did well”.

The reason why Dazai does this so hesitantly, shows that he is still in his own metamorphosis. He’s slowly changing as is Akutagawa. He is still afraid to face his responsibilities, but doesn’t treat his former subordinate cruel anymore.

This change in Akutagawa goes so far that Atsushi is able to ask him to not to kill anyone until they meet again. When told about, Dazai is visibly happy, as it is something that he as a mentor wasn’t able to do. He is reminded of Odasaku, comparing Akutagawa now to him:

Due to this, Dazai now has this much faith in Akutagawa that he puts the task to keep an eye on Atsushi and to protect him in his hands:

Mind the difference of his expressions when he talks with Akutagawa then and now:

Dazai doesn’t team Atsushi and Akutagawa up only for strength and fighting reasons. Or because their abilities are compatible in battle. But because Dazai knows that Akutagawa won’t unnecessarily kill anymore, because he is seeking answers through Atsushi and is changing through their interactions:

He keeps his promise, much to Atsushi’s surprise, but it’s out of the question that he is happy about this:

Akutagawa promising not to kill anyone, keeping his promise in the end and even going so far as to protect someone, in other words valuing life, is something which Dazai could’ve never taught him. And again, he still can’t. Dazai is not solely the teacher, but the student himself. And although Atsushi may be a teacher for both of them in his philosophy, he is a student of Akutagawa and Dazai in other things.

Because what Atsushi lacks is self-confidence and his own worth, faith in his own abilities and the mental strength to overcome his past abuse and trauma. Those are things he learns through Dazai and especially, through Akutagawa.

[peonyneko]

Didn’t Mean It | Bakugou Katsuki x Reader

Request:  hello! I was wondering if you could do a Bakugou x Reader (if requests are open ofc❤️). Maybe Bakugou said something he didn’t mean to the Reader, and she like leaves the middle of class to go to the bathroom to cry- and like some of the girls go to comfort her/ask if she’s doing fine. But that doesn’t help- so Bakugou ditches class and goes to comfort her in the girls bathroom, and the other girls are like “cUtE”. Sorry if this made no sense but I thought it would be cute 😳. love your writing!

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@blveteaaa I’m really sorry for taking so long. Please do let me know if this is what you had in mind. I also appreciate any feedback. 

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Noise. The class was filled with noise, per usual. Mr. Aizawa was sleeping in the corner. Hm... Seems like he didn’t sleep well again. I wonder what night trouble popped up this time. Mina, Momo, and Uraraka were chatting away near me. The next class should start in about 30 minutes. Until then, Mr. Aizawa told us to complete the assignment and place it on his desk. Getting up from my seat, I head towards Katsuki, Eijiro, and Denki. To avoid disturbing them, I decided to wait behind them until they finished talking. 

“Yeah, I don’t get why that’s irritating,” Eijiro was facing Katsuki. His back was, currently, facing me, The other two immediately acknowledge my presence. Their eye widen and their shoulders tense up.

“Of course you don’t. She’s not with you,” he began. Was it about me?

“It’s especially when she wants to tag along on days I go out. It would’ve been better if she just stayed home. Damn it. It’s so irritating.”

Oh.. Huh. I felt my heart tighten at his words. The room got a little quieter. The light even seemed dimmer. After noticing the change in my demeanor, Denki coughs. Before the duo can say anything, I lift my finger to my lips. 

“Don’t look at me like that! You both act like you’re the ones dealing with it,” Katsuki’s ignorance of my presence did not help. With a heavy heart, I turn back around and walk back to my desk.

We were all occupied with our assignment. For this class, we were completing an in-class group assignment. Currently, I am sitting in front of Katsuki, with Mina and Tsuyu sitting on the side. I can already feel his irritation. He probably did not enjoy being forced into a group, especially with me. Normally, I’d feel chipper about it. However, after knowing how he feels, I felt that me presence was annoying. I decided to talk less to avoid agitating him. While the group talks, I write down their ideas for the work and jot down my own, as well. 

“You know this is a group effort, right?” I look up to see Katsuki’s eyes locked on me. I nodded. 

“Really? I haven’t heard any input from you for it, Becoming lazy, are we?” he words stung. MY face warmed from embarrassment. 

“Well, I... I was, uh, writing my ideas down with the groups in here,” I hesitantly lift my notebook. The room’s mood began to tense up. Slowly, the quiet room become quieter. 

“____... This is a group effort. Do you not know what that means? Share you damn ideas. God, he rolls his eyes, not noticing his voice made the class focus on our group. I could feel their eyes centering me. I attempted to tell my ideas but they went all over the place in my mind.

“Yeah, nevermind. You’re not helping with shit,” he interrupted. The warmth of my face was traveling down to my neck. My throat constricts a bit. I can feel inklings of anxiousness rising.

“That’s not nice to say,” Mina told him. He simply rolled his eye at her comment. Mina signals for Denki to come to our table. They both whisper between themselves. They eye Katsuki a bit so I assumed it was about him and I. Tsuyu looks at my nervous state and reassures that she’s there if I need to talk.

“Kaminari, since you’re here, why don’t you and _____ switch? Some braincells is better than none,” he chuckles. My mood worsens at his joke. Little tears were forming but they were unnoticeable. There class was still focused on us. Clearing up my throat, I get up from my seat. I slowly walk up to the front.

“Is it alright for me to go to the restroom?” my voice cracks when asking Cementoss. He nods in return, noticing the waviness in my voice.

As soon as I got permission, I run out the classroom. I hear a faint “ ___! You can’t run in the hallway,” which sounded like Iida. I don’t stop until the ladies restroom in in front of me. With heavy breaths I open the door and rush to one of the stalls. My eyes burned and tears began slipping down my cheeks. I tried to hold myself together but his words were playing on a loop.

Does he really think I’m irritating? What do I do that annoys him? Gosh, I need to stop it.

After a couple of minutes, I hear footsteps echo throughout the bathroom. Someone knocks on my stall’s door. Calming myself down, I open the stall to face all the girls in front of me. 

‘I swear boys can be really meaning without even trying,” Kyoka looked at me with soft eyes. Right when Ochaco step forward to hold my hand, the sting in my eyes return. I try to blind the tears away but it could not limit the amount that wanted to escape. My rigged breathing returns, which only worsens my embarrassment.

“I really...I really don’t mean to be... a bother for him,” I choked out in-between my heavy breaths. To give me space, they all gently pull me outside of the stall. Their eyebrows were slightly furrowed yet their eyes were soft.

“No. No. You are not at fault here,” Momo replies as she helps me sit down on the bench to the side.

“But I heard him say it. Gosh, I do sound irritating. I should stop tagging along too much. No wonder he returns angry.”

“You do not follow him anywhere. It isn’t all the time, either. You mostly go with him when you know you did not get to spend time together,” Tsuyu attempts to help me look at it from another perspective. Sadly, my mind overrides them to Katsuki’s complaints.

“W...What if he’s tired of me? What if he wants to break up?”

My heart hurt at the mere thought of our separation. Our relationship is relatively fresh. We started dating a year ago, yet I fell for him. Hard. I could not fathom to be with another guy.

“If I hadn’t been so dense about his irritations over my actions, I would been a much better girlfriend. I couldn’t even do that,” I was vomitting my mind out.

My breathing was still irregular, and I couldn’t see past the tears that blur my eyes. I wiped my cheeks and eyes to get a better view. The girls were trying their best to comfort me. Toru patted my back. Mina stroked my arm. Momo tried to plan out a mini recovery session from today. Tsuyu and Ochaco tried to convince me that he loves me enough to confront me about the situation. Kyoka even tried to make me revert my self-deprecating comments and thoughts. However, nothing helped. I really appreciated their kind attempts yet his words stayed printed at the front of my mind.

“I would love to battle Bakugou, right now. He needs to be held accountable for his horrible comments,” Momo exclaimed, standing tall with her right hand on her hip. 

“He does. He made a huge deal out of the group assignment. You were clearly stressed when you tried to share your ideas,” Kyoka looked disappointed when remember the incident in the classroom.

“But he doesn’t like having me around too much. I should stop. I don’t want him to be constantly annoyed,” I sniffled as I wiped my eyes. 

“I’m going to stop,” I whisper. I hear small mutters and grumbles throughout he bathroom.

“I won’t dicated you becuase it is your relationship. I do want to say that it is a part of who you are. You like spending time with him. You don’t need to stop that. I think you and him should talk about it,” Ochaco looks at me with his big, comforting eyes. The others nod in agreement. 

“I don’t know. I don’t want any more complications rising because of me. If he’s annoyed by me, I should try to fix it. I’ll need to sort this out myself,” I quietly announced.

Who gave you that right?” his rough voice echoes through the walls. All of you heads turn to the left. Katsuki, Eijiro, and Denki were standing next to each other near the entrance of the bathroom. 

“I didn’t think you overheard my conversation with those,” his points his rough finger at the duo behind him. 

I looked at him, unsure of what to say. Noticing my tense behavior, he talked as gently as he can, “ I did not mean to make you think horribly about yourself.”

“Yeah, you have traits and habits that are weird to me,” he started. A jolt spiked throughout my body. I don’t think I’m ready to hear the end of it.

 “But I like that about you,” he struggled to get the words out in public. My face flushes at the sudden confession. He looks directly at me.

“Never take issues, like this, on your own. I know how hard it can be but it’ll help us,” noticing that our conversation was getting private, the others began to hed back to class. It was almost the end of the school day, as well. Everyone waving and blurted a quick “bye” before heading out of the bathroom. 

Katsuki turns around to shut the door. He locks it to make sure no one walks in on our conversation.

“Come. Let’s sit there,” he tilts his head to the bench I sat at earlier. 

As soon as we sit, Katsuki exhales a loud sigh. Alarms went off in my mind. He’s irritated. I immediately began panicking.

“H..Hey, Katsuki. I really don’t mind leaving you on your own when you need it,” I started. I turn to face him but was suddenly embraced my his arms. He sets his chin on my neck and gently tightens his hug.

“Don’t... Don’t stop doing what you do,” he whispers near my ear. Warmth engulfed me. I felt safe in his embrace. His voice held no anger or irritation.

“But it’s irritating, isn’t it?” my hands wrap around his back, as well.

“No no no. It’s not. At least not the way you think. I complained to Kirishima and Kaminari about the perverts and jerks who stare at your and bother you when you come with me. That’s why I felt irritated,” he reveals. Then, it clicked. He must’ve noticed all the times I felt uncomfortable because of comments from boys and their stares. I never complained but... He noticed.

“I would rather have you stay back instead of dealing with those situations. I know you’re strong enough to take care of yourself. It’s still annoying when they don’t know their limits. I can’t even fight them properly,” he pulls back to look at me. I avoided his eyes but he lifted my chin up with his hand.

“Don’t stop doing what you do. Don’t stop being yourself. Having you with me makes my day better. I know I can be gnarly and cruel with my comments. Just don’t hesitate to tell me I’m hurting you. It’s not my intention to make you doubt yourself,” he rambles on.

“Even the cruel jokes I made back there are not meant from a serious place,” he reassures me as much as he can. His breathes were rigid and fast. His eyes were dilated, as well.

“Just... let me know, alright? I want you to feel safe and loved not hurt,” he whispered. With every sentence, my previous worries were fading away.

“Talk to me about anything that bothers you. Talk to me about any issues that come up.”

I couldn’t stop my heart from melting. He really is the best, huh?

“I know...I’ll try. You know me. It can be hard to confront people with anything I think is wrong,” I replied while taking his hand into mine. 

“Mhm. Let’s work on that then,” he firmly stated. It shocked me for a bit.

“If I say anything that hurts you, hold me accountable. Tell me right away,” he looks at me for an answer.

“Okay, ____?” I nodded in return. I noticed his stance was relaxed. He seemed less tense about the situation. It must’ve been a huge baggage to get off his back.

“I will. I’m sorry for worrying-” he cut me off before I could end my apology.

“Hey! Don’t feel sorry for it. You’re not at fault for feeling the way you did after the classroom incident. I was an absolute asshole for that. There may have been a small misunderstanding but I still shouldn’t have embarrassed you with my comments,” his hands cup my cheeks.

“I’m really... I’m really sorry,” my throat tightened. Why does he have to be this... great?

“I understand. Thank you for apologizing,” I smile at him. My emotions were all over the place today. It went from neutral to extremely low to extremely relieved. Still, I am glad he and I were able to sort this out before it got worse.

“Don’t go crying on me now. I don’t want to see anymore tears today. Come on let’s head back,” he spoke softly. 

Right after, stood up and held out his hand. His face held his usual daily expression, except there was a glow to it. I gladly laced my hands with his and we carefully exited the girls bathroom.

“Wouldn’t want to get you in trouble,” he said looking around to make sure no one saw our actions.

Today, Katsuki and I were able to have dinner together. It’s been a while since it was just the two of us eating dinner. Upon returning to the dorm, the atmosphere felt normal. The ones who were worried earlier looked glad when Katsuki and I entered the dorm happily. Mr. Aizawa did ask us about the situation. We informed him that everything was sorted so he let it go. Cementoss must’ve told him about the the classroom occurrence. 

While I made my way to my room, I noticed all of the girls in front of my room. Their eyes held excitement and the look of ‘hurry up’.

“You don’t need to tell us everything,” Mina grabbed me so I can quickly open my room. 

“Okay okay let me just,” after I heard the click, they all ran inside of my room. 

They all chose the spot they felt most comfortable in. I climbs into my bed and chuckled with embarrassment.

“Do I have to tell you what he said? Because...” 

“Well...” Momo began.

“I may or may not have bee made to create a device the let us hear what was going on,” my eyes widen at her confession.

“Don’t worry we promised to turn it off if anything... else... happened. We wanted to make sure he didn’t say anything horrible,” Kyoka spoke. The others nodded in agreement.

“His comforting action were too cute,” Mina chuckled.

“Exactly! I was shocked. Did you hear what he said?! ‘ Having you with me makes my day better.’ Aaahh! That- Just wow,” Uraraka gushed while quoting Katsuki. All of the girls flailed around or squished the pillow in their lap.

“Wait! Remember the...What was it? Right! ‘I want you to feel safe and loved not hurt’ That was so adorable, too, ” Momo immediately brought up another. Once again, the girls let out ‘awe’s and small chuckles. They did tease me about his words. However, they still appreciated that he was able to relive me of my doubts.

“I’m glad Bakugou cleared things up. That was very mature of him. You two are cute together. I really did not want the incident to separate you,” Tsuyu looked happy at my recovered state. 

“Me too,” Hagakure agreed. Next to her, I noticed Mina had a tiny bit of mischeif in her eyes. 

“How about we listen to the audio again?!” she suggested. A series of ‘yes’ echoed throughout the room.

“W-what?” my eyes widened.

“Come on! It’ll be fun!” Mina continued.

“I have the a player for it, if we want to,” Kyoka held up the device to play the audio.

“And you can have it after we analyze and listen to it,” Momo added while exaggerating ‘analyze’ with air quotes. 

“Gosh... alright. I hope I don’t sound weird,” I agreed to their request.

As soon as Katsuki said, “Don’t... Don’t stop doing what you do,” Uraraka paused it.

“You can’t tell me he does not want to marry her,” she commented. Immediately afterward, the others made their own comments and agreements.

This process continued throughout the playing of the audio. With every pause, the were analyses and comments. Amongst all the chat about Katsuki’s soft side, I had the urge to check my phone. What I read immediately made the night better than it already was.

Katsuki: Let’s go out tomorrow. Wear whatever you feel comfortable in. 

Katsuki: Don’t worry about people staring. I’ll take care of it.

Katsuki: Unless you want to, of course.

Katsuki: The girls are making you tell them about what happened in the bathroom, aren’t they?

Katsuki: Anyways, make sure you get proper rest 

Katsuki: Goodnight

My hands quickly responded so I am able to reply before he sleeps. All those messages made me my stomach bubble with excitement. 

Me: I’m glad we’re going to hang out. See you in the morning

Me: Goodnight

Me: I love you

...

Katsuki: I love you too

The heat on my cheeks that gradually grew with every text grew tenfold. My heart fluttered intensely as I gazed at those four words. I can hear the girls speaking about the audiotape of Katsuki in the background, but my phone had my attention. Katsuki always proved to be a great boyfriend. He never did it for show. Ever since the start of our relationship he’s been honest about how he felt. Both of us expected stumbles, but we made sure to work it out. Today was one of those day.

I’m just glad he never let go of me. I know him well enough to know that he will always listen to me. He will always want to fix things so we don’t end.