#but I can’t get myself out of bed
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Am I awake enough to watch the worlds’ Madison race
#I had a good night of sleep#and woke up like two hours ago#but I can’t get myself out of bed#and my brain is still a bit fuzzy#and Madisons require so much focus#I’m not sure I have enough of that right now#😂#(I know that what I actually need is to go eat something#that will unfuzzy the brain#but I don’t wanna moooove)#((can someone bring me a croissant in bed? pleaaase))#cycling#track cycling#but barely tbh 😅
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you can’t show me this picture at 10:39 in the morning and expect me to act normal in any way, shape, or form
#i’m not just a clown for him i’m the whole circus#i CANNOT stop thinking about how warm he would be#how his hands would be so warm and reassuring#how he would hold me tight and just run his hands up and down#IT’S UNBEARABLE I AM SO READY FOR HIM#my clothes are on the floor faster than the human eye can comprehend#it’s freezing where i live and all i can think about is snuggling under the covers naked with him in bed#like?? sharing body heat is a perfectly viable reason for that#i’m approaching this from a survivalist perspective#JUST KIDDING i’m getting ravished so good neither of us can walk afterwards#i am a danger to myself#i can’t be trusted with this picture#look at his neck!!!!#i need!!! to make out with it!!#and the shoulders???#my man is built like a MOUNTAIN#and his chest. y’all know my fixation with it#my mouth is THERE i am telling you#clinging to him for the rest of my life#kissing every inch of his sweet face and telling him how much i treasure his heart#y’all DON’T EVEN KNOW#i will love him right into the ground#until all my strength is gone and all i can do is just collapse in his arms#gonna go pass out for 19294583722 years now#bye everyone#gladiator#maximus#maximus decimus meridius#gladiator 2000#russell crowe
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Already trying to figure out how to draw the NPCs— starting with a handful of the children I expect we’re going to be seeing again. I’m excited to see how much my designs for them change as we go along!
#considering previous seasons I’m so excited to see how the dang kids get severely traumatized#not committing to any colors outside of Bibi’s blue— both for her name and bow#~~post cancelled i think the bow is pink~~#Bibi has a unibrow since that’s what it looks like on the cover art and i think she’d be able to make it work rn#i just saw a picture of Bibi that wasn’t my super crunched quality close up i think I’m gonna let myself die now#gonna redraw her for my own personal redemption#Milton is Milton. He sucks but tbh i like him#Hermie started weird too i believe in a Milton redemption arc /J#… /hj#Molly is uncertain— i wanted her to be punk but she’s like 12 so she’s like.#a 13 year old under the thumb of her parents trying to be punk when she can’t even buy her own clothes#I want Timmy to look the most like his mother out of all of the kids#anyways Timmy about to lose his bed privileges#dndads#dungeons and daddies#dndads spoilers#dndads season 3#the Peachyville horror#the Peachyville horror spoilers#Britannia Blue#Milton Grammar#Molly MacArthur#Timmy Trout
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It’s disability pride month, and if you are disabled in the U.S. from Long Covid I want you to know that you’re not alone, and you’re valid in whatever you feel. Whether that’s sorrow at your new problems or rage at society for failing you, you are valid, and it is truly messed up that society is continuing to fail you.
#disability#trauma#chronic illness#long COVID#COVID#Tbh I’m not sure if I have long covid or not but I keep swinging between despair and fury#The brain fog SUCKS#I might have always had it but it feels especially bad now?#And I have all kinds of respiratory problems that got exacerbated#And possibly chronic fatigue but it’s unclear#And I’m one of the lucky ones!!!#I can still exercise without needing three days of bed rest after!#I was so RELIEVED when it turned out I could do that#I did like. Three weeks of breathing rehab to make sure#Not sure if it helped but now I’m not getting post-exertional backlash nearly as much anymore#And I didn’t lose my sense of smell or get my taste messed up#And I don’t need a respirator just an inhaler and some allergy meds and to take frequent breaks#And like. I know so many people have it worse#And that suuuuucks#But EVEN THIS makes me want to scream and rail half the time#Update as of Sept 2024 — this is no longer true#Got Covid again and now I can’t exercise without being too tired to move for three days#🙃#Probably will die mad about this actually#I had SUCH a good time working out one night#But then the next morning#Nope#head-to-toe muscle pain#couldn’t do any chores#Couldn’t even feed myself
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its so hard to watch time pass when things like careers and assignments exist. what do you mean im supposed to take that seriously
#I have an assignment that was due a week ago and I really really dont want to do it. I have to but i dont want to#im probably making it worse because my brain has built a wall around it so now i can’t do literally anything else until thats done. but#because I don’t want to do it I’m just kinda stuck. turns out this is what they meant when they said emotional regulation is part of#exec dysfunction.. I’ll have a thought like if I get a little bit of it done now i can get it over with. I can just submit something#and then not even 5 minutes later itll be like ugh but I have to draw all the assets out. I have to write things and make spreads ugh#and its just flopping between those two things. i hate it when ppl are like well how much time do you need to work on one thing#because BOY id love to know too. I’d love to know exactly when my brain wants to cooperate with me and work around that but I cant#even my period can’t decide when it wants to punch me in the stomach. which is kinda funny in the grand scheme of things but still#its so weird im just lying on my bed thinking abt all this like damn.. the time will pass anyways no matter what I decide to do.. damn….#if I submit that assignment now and take the L I literally won’t die. it’ll just be a deduction on an assignment nobody will ask me about#I know this but I’m still stressing myself about it so my thoughts aren’t really connecting to my body. weird#maybe its because Im having a hard time looking forward to things. theres definitely a lot I should be living for but I don’t really feel#a strong attachment to it I guess? it’s been like this for a while with holidays and meeting with friends so I just don’t#I kinda figured its because im pretty passionless and its more like passing interest. but it’s not very fun when it feels like I’m going to#be living distraction to distraction for the next 70 years or so lol#idk it kind of feels like slowly bleeding out. which is funny because I actually did experience blood loss this week#had a 30 minute nosebleed and literally could not stand. also it felt like someone was pinching the back of my brain which was interesting#yapping#does this count as vent#vent#Ive just been making an oc carrd and contemplate changing my blog header for the past 3 days honestly
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adhd actually sucks actually
#I’m told there are parts of it that are good but like. Which parts#rambling#I can’t sleep; my brain is constantly racing; I can’t get things done#Im drawn to anything that gives even a tiny amount of dopamine#I have horrible and crippling RSD; I can’t form habits#My memory is horrible; thoughts flit in and out of my head#i was just cleaning my house; something happened to interrupt me and I’ve been in bed shut down for the last hour#I know there are things I still need to do. I just can’t bring myself to get up and do them
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conjured up a smut scene which has pretty much none of my kinks or anything even vaguely appealing to me in it but the details are all too specifically important for the emotional aspects of the story so i’m just stuck with this now i guess.
it’s not even a whump fic so i can’t get off on the psychological distress either. ):
#stella talks#.i’m very sleep deprived please excuse me.#.i’m about to go to bed (it’s 11am. i have no slept for 48 hours due to new years traditions lmao—)#.i just had a wonderful flash on the final scene in a wip and then.#.realised it is the least appealing smut i’ve ever thought of but the emotions all hit right so i can’t change anything.#.awkward unsexy fluffy smut it is i guess.#.can’t even fade to black or vaguely imply it because the actual climax moment is. plot important.#.why would i do this to myself huh. why.#.also sorry everyone who followed me back when i was pretending to be a wholesome magical girl blog.#.not that sorry i frequently tried to remind you all i’m a weirdo.#.but like. a little sorry because i’ve just gone full freak the last month or two so.#.i’ll get it out of my system eventually probably maybe i gues.
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never been able to nap in my life but I think I’m gonna turn into a nap person this summer
#I need is a continuation of these beautiful warm days to do get out of bed before 9am#cos my body can’t take it and I’m too exhausted to stay after 4hrs later which is probably an issue but Immma take advantage of it#I just had some proper real dreams for ONCE#the problem is waking up bc I think I now feel more exhausted oh#now how do I get myself to do assignment#cos it ain’t summer yet
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so
#last night was really so so so fun and it was super hard to get myself to go out? like#in the sense of I really wanted to because I knew it would be fun but I also knew my anxiety was eating me alive#and it would be an obstacle getting through that without alcohol and I need to be … careful#but I got fun drunk and didn’t have too bad of a hangover and didn’t feel super anxious once we got out :#and a different friend wants to make plans for tonight but I am really bad at making plans in advance because sometimes I physically can’t#do things after work bc tired bc neuro disorder and it’s frustrating to my friend with severe control issues#bc she needs to make specific plans like a week out and I’m like erm babe I can’t like#do that? and then if I don’t feel well day of and need to be home she gets (rightfully) frustrated because I’m bailing but it’s#challenging. and you don’t understand unless you live with it.#and it’s frustrating for us both. I don’t want her to think I don’t value her because I do and I force myself out often enough bc I#genuinely feel bad. but it’s so fucking hard sometimes . she also lives sort of far so going from work and having#to drive an hour to her place to then go somewhere and be out like#I’m spent before I even get there#friend I saw last night and I don’t talk consistently but when we do it’s always the same vibe and so fun and we just catch up about life#I feel like when I see my other friends they have things to always talk about because they’re in a discord call almost every night#I don’t have the energy!!!!!!!!!! like I’m so sorry that’s so much for me#idk she isn’t answering me now but if she wants to do something I need to know in the next hr bc if not I’m literally going to bed#I love her but there’s a disconnect between us rn and I don’t know how to mend that gap#but I do love her friendship so I’m just like. sigh#idk it would be different if she was closer and I know that#I hope getting back on medication helps get me being more social again. I’m just so tired this week that speaking is hard lol
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I hate how many opportunities I didn’t get because I was a girl and no one cared about me enough to help me
#My brother got so much that I didn’t#and yeah my mom was awful to him but he was everyone else’s favorite and there were so many people enabling his hobbies and such#He molested me AND my sister AND my cousin but everyone brushed it off and defended him#I worked my ass if in school and no one gave a shit but he’d get an A n my dad would buy him expensive video games#he got to play sports and go places#I got to act as my parents therapist and take care of my younger siblings#He threatened to kill himself over a petty argument and my dad talked to him kindly#I almost killed myself and my dad said horrible things to me bc if it#my brother never did shit around the house and no one ever said anything#I was majorly depressed and struggling to get out of bed and was called lazy and selfish#Until I started neglecting myself to take care of housework and school work#I still get shit for sleeping too much when in reality I just can’t sleep at night and it makes me crash at weird times#sorry I’m being stupid and whiny over dumb shit#screaming
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#Seven’s Public Diary#vent#vent post#cw negative#cw health issues#‘You’re such a heartless and hateful person.’ well have you ever considered that i’m not really a hateful person and i just hate You#like. call me whatever you want to i guess. im definitely selfish and probably heartless but hateful? idk abt that.#i only feel like i hate people that have given me good fucking reason to. sorry i dont have an infinite supply of tolerance & forgiveness??#but im a wee bit fucking stressed so you’ll have to forgive me for being a bitch. well no one Has to forgive me. do whatever you want#‘That 10-day old pasta salad is making me feel sick.’ MF that was made TODAY. IT’S FRESH AND THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH IT#if you feel sick how about you look down at the fifteen empty beer cans on the floor next to you and ask them what they think did it#dumbass. whatever man i have bigger problems than your self-induced tummy ache#i feel sick too but i know it’s my fault so i’m not bitching about it. i gave you fresh food while I ate the old stuff to keep from wasting#food. because you act like you’re fucking allergic to leftovers. and yeah it had probably gone off and that’s why I feel sick#but what you ate tonight was fresh as could be so we’re sick for two Very different reasons. and i know how to admit when it’s my fault#everything is my fault. my teeth and gums hurt and that’s My fault for not taking care of them. apparently 3 root canals wasn’t enough#for me to learn my goddamn lesson. i never do. so i’ll have to spend more money on that soon and thats My fault. the dog’s teeth need#cleaning too and that’ll come out of my pocket and i guess that’s My fault for not taking care of him either#i think i have another goddamn UTI and that’s definitely My fault so another $100 trip to urgent care it is i guess!#my Random Nerve Pain has moved to my hands so i can’t use them too much or it fucking hurts and i guess that’s my fault???#my neck pain is back and thats my fault for not clearing my bed off enough to sleep in a comfortable position#my eye keeps twitching and i guess that’s my fault too. i don’t know anymore i just wanna throw in the towel man im so tired#god the UTI tests i wasted money on are arriving tomorrow and if they’re packed in a way that shows what’s inside then i’ll have to explain#That to whoever brings in the mail. great great something else to worry about all night#the living room floor is caving in so now there’s Two room’s floors that need fixing so that’s super fucking fun! 😃#i need to talk to my bank and i need to talk to a tax professional and i need to learn to drive and i need to get an autism diagnosis#well i don’t Need the last one but i want it so bad. but im scared. that i’ll go to all this trouble and they’ll say i don’t qualify#and god it’s NYE now. Besties i’m not gonna get that NMbD NYE fic ready in time. i just can’t make myself write these days. i’m sorry.#i doubt anyone is gonna be That disappointed but I Am. in myself. 3 fucking years now i’ve failed to finish it. w h y. i Want to write but#there’s just too much on me rn. but when is there Not. sigh. idk what i’m gonna do but something needs to change. in my life. soon.
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absolutely loveeeee when i can’t sleep because i’m plagued with the feeling that i’m the worst person to walk this earth 🤭
#feeling like the biggest piece of shit in the world <3 anyways#this is stupid but. i just need to get this shit out#getting bad grades on finals right after my friends do nothing to celebrate my birthday is so fun#that sounds so superficial but !!!! i’ve done something for. every. one. of. their. birthdays. over the last year#it just makes me sad because it confirms i AM and always will be the second choice friend#i feel like my fianc hates me all the time right now too but. that comes with the self deprecation me think#and to top it off my doctor says i’m f*t so 🥳 i hateeeeee myself#i just need to cry. sowwy#sitting in bed crying silently because i can’t do anything right <3
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#meg talks#just venting#im in so much pain it’s not even funny#im sorry for being inactive for so long i really was not anticipating this#the good news is ive made a lot of progress on compiling the spreadsheet for vetted gaza funds#so that once ive cleared out the dms i can add additional mods and get the ball rolling properly again#the bad news is that my insomnia is back and my pain is getting so bad i can barely get out of bed or eat#i don’t think it’s related to the fundraising work so much as… everything else -_-#i didn’t want to be out of a job for this long#and having to send so many applications and make so many fucking unhelpful phone calls a day to doctors and help centers…#idk. this isn’t me complaining abt the fundraiser work if anything it’s the only rewarding thing im doing rn#but im frustrated w myself and with my body and with. everything#it’s not just my own family relying on me anymore#and that makes it hard to deal with all this. like i could be using my time and energy way better than this.#but instead im playing phone tag to try and prove that im disabled and need to feed my brothers.#im just cjdhxgxjcncj sigh. whatever if i can just get over this hump then the rest will be downhill#and my friend is going to help me w cooking this weekend so that me and my bros can eat better#so hopefully that will give me a boost too#idr where i was going w this. probably nowhere jdgdjdnxnc im just miserable rn bc i can’t sleep and my leg hurts
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ptsd is being such a bitch to me tonight guys. your girl is not doing well.
#i don’t want to feel this way#but i don’t know how to stop it#i just feel myself spiraling out of control again and all of these thoughts keep coming with it#it wont leave me alone#i want it to leave me alone#i don’t want to go on more meds bc they fucked me up even more and i want to be able to think#but my heart has started pounding so quickly again that i can’t focus on anything else#i feel so empty and weird and vague#december is always a bad time and it’s hard when i don’t have class or work as a distraction#i’m always on the verge of crying and#i just do all these breathing techniques that don’t work#and i just lay in a ball on my bed shaking and hurting#you know it’s bad when even writing doesn’t calm me down#ocd combining with ptsd is a hell of a thing#how can you calm yourself down when you’re not thinking rationally and it won’t leave your head#part of me just wants to panic and get it over with but i feel like if i start i won’t be able to stop and just simply fly into hysterics#idk#just haven’t felt this bad in a while#i just want to get out of my head so bad#i wish i could turn thinking off#sorry i know y’all aren’t my therapist and i should get my own#but im still on my parents insurance and i don’t think they would allow that#i don’t mean to vent#i just feel really hopeless and shit rn#anyway#i’m going to try to sleep and hope it will be better in the morning#it wont be tho lol#nothing is ever better#bc the universe and god hate me
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cannot stress enough that this isn’t a pro food diso/rder blog. I’m just depressed.
#I love love love food! and i also can’t get up for hours sometimes#kaya egg toast my beloved…#i make it when i wanna be nice to myself...#unfortunately i think i overreached on spoons bc i immediately went back to bed for 4 hours after i ate it :\#couldnt get back up out of bed until afternoon... i need a day of nothing please#food#food log#food journal#food diary#i know there is an e/d side to this place and cannot stress enough that i love and enjoy food
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mannnnnnnnbb fuck November I’m so tired of feeling lonely in my own life.
#lee’s bullshit#even being in [redacted] will not save you from the depths of November#trying to remind myself things are always changing and I can’t stop putting myself out there but I am tired.#what I am doing clearly is not enough in any respect and I am tired of feeling so worn to the bone all the time.#huge social miss today at the function. woke up late and ruined the schedule. couldn’t make a clear decision on dinner.#haven’t found a replacement roommate. haven’t finished my portfolio. haven’t applied to internships. haven’t finished my final project.#behind on everything and with every step I take I get pulled further and further backwards.#my roommate is graduating early and i feel like it’s my fault.#i shouldn’t blame myself for someone else’s bad behavior but im still beating myself up for being a cause for it.#my other roommate wants to move out to live on her own next year.#also blaming myself for that even tho its always on me to fix the mess of housing every damn semester#I’m just so tired of feeling like I’m not doing enough and even when I am that it just simply doesn’t matter.#saw one of my friends today but only for an hour. texting the group is like sending a blind pigeon out in a gale.#I know that things will get better but it’s just so hard . if someone genuinely asked how I was doing I could cry on the spot.#none of my friends are close enough anymore not at home not at school not in my family. there’s nowhere to go.#just tired. Going to go to bed soon. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.
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