#but I can’t get myself out of bed
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Am I awake enough to watch the worlds’ Madison race
#I had a good night of sleep#and woke up like two hours ago#but I can’t get myself out of bed#and my brain is still a bit fuzzy#and Madisons require so much focus#I’m not sure I have enough of that right now#😂#(I know that what I actually need is to go eat something#that will unfuzzy the brain#but I don’t wanna moooove)#((can someone bring me a croissant in bed? pleaaase))#cycling#track cycling#but barely tbh 😅
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Already trying to figure out how to draw the NPCs— starting with a handful of the children I expect we’re going to be seeing again. I’m excited to see how much my designs for them change as we go along!
#considering previous seasons I’m so excited to see how the dang kids get severely traumatized#not committing to any colors outside of Bibi’s blue— both for her name and bow#~~post cancelled i think the bow is pink~~#Bibi has a unibrow since that’s what it looks like on the cover art and i think she’d be able to make it work rn#i just saw a picture of Bibi that wasn’t my super crunched quality close up i think I’m gonna let myself die now#gonna redraw her for my own personal redemption#Milton is Milton. He sucks but tbh i like him#Hermie started weird too i believe in a Milton redemption arc /J#… /hj#Molly is uncertain— i wanted her to be punk but she’s like 12 so she’s like.#a 13 year old under the thumb of her parents trying to be punk when she can’t even buy her own clothes#I want Timmy to look the most like his mother out of all of the kids#anyways Timmy about to lose his bed privileges#dndads#dungeons and daddies#dndads spoilers#dndads season 3#the Peachyville horror#the Peachyville horror spoilers#Britannia Blue#Milton Grammar#Molly MacArthur#Timmy Trout
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It’s disability pride month, and if you are disabled in the U.S. from Long Covid I want you to know that you’re not alone, and you’re valid in whatever you feel. Whether that’s sorrow at your new problems or rage at society for failing you, you are valid, and it is truly messed up that society is continuing to fail you.
#disability#trauma#chronic illness#long COVID#COVID#Tbh I’m not sure if I have long covid or not but I keep swinging between despair and fury#The brain fog SUCKS#I might have always had it but it feels especially bad now?#And I have all kinds of respiratory problems that got exacerbated#And possibly chronic fatigue but it’s unclear#And I’m one of the lucky ones!!!#I can still exercise without needing three days of bed rest after!#I was so RELIEVED when it turned out I could do that#I did like. Three weeks of breathing rehab to make sure#Not sure if it helped but now I’m not getting post-exertional backlash nearly as much anymore#And I didn’t lose my sense of smell or get my taste messed up#And I don’t need a respirator just an inhaler and some allergy meds and to take frequent breaks#And like. I know so many people have it worse#And that suuuuucks#But EVEN THIS makes me want to scream and rail half the time#Update as of Sept 2024 — this is no longer true#Got Covid again and now I can’t exercise without being too tired to move for three days#🙃#Probably will die mad about this actually#I had SUCH a good time working out one night#But then the next morning#Nope#head-to-toe muscle pain#couldn’t do any chores#Couldn’t even feed myself
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its so hard to watch time pass when things like careers and assignments exist. what do you mean im supposed to take that seriously
#I have an assignment that was due a week ago and I really really dont want to do it. I have to but i dont want to#im probably making it worse because my brain has built a wall around it so now i can’t do literally anything else until thats done. but#because I don’t want to do it I’m just kinda stuck. turns out this is what they meant when they said emotional regulation is part of#exec dysfunction.. I’ll have a thought like if I get a little bit of it done now i can get it over with. I can just submit something#and then not even 5 minutes later itll be like ugh but I have to draw all the assets out. I have to write things and make spreads ugh#and its just flopping between those two things. i hate it when ppl are like well how much time do you need to work on one thing#because BOY id love to know too. I’d love to know exactly when my brain wants to cooperate with me and work around that but I cant#even my period can’t decide when it wants to punch me in the stomach. which is kinda funny in the grand scheme of things but still#its so weird im just lying on my bed thinking abt all this like damn.. the time will pass anyways no matter what I decide to do.. damn….#if I submit that assignment now and take the L I literally won’t die. it’ll just be a deduction on an assignment nobody will ask me about#I know this but I’m still stressing myself about it so my thoughts aren’t really connecting to my body. weird#maybe its because Im having a hard time looking forward to things. theres definitely a lot I should be living for but I don’t really feel#a strong attachment to it I guess? it’s been like this for a while with holidays and meeting with friends so I just don’t#I kinda figured its because im pretty passionless and its more like passing interest. but it’s not very fun when it feels like I’m going to#be living distraction to distraction for the next 70 years or so lol#idk it kind of feels like slowly bleeding out. which is funny because I actually did experience blood loss this week#had a 30 minute nosebleed and literally could not stand. also it felt like someone was pinching the back of my brain which was interesting#yapping#does this count as vent#vent#Ive just been making an oc carrd and contemplate changing my blog header for the past 3 days honestly
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never been able to nap in my life but I think I’m gonna turn into a nap person this summer
#I need is a continuation of these beautiful warm days to do get out of bed before 9am#cos my body can’t take it and I’m too exhausted to stay after 4hrs later which is probably an issue but Immma take advantage of it#I just had some proper real dreams for ONCE#the problem is waking up bc I think I now feel more exhausted oh#now how do I get myself to do assignment#cos it ain’t summer yet
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so
#last night was really so so so fun and it was super hard to get myself to go out? like#in the sense of I really wanted to because I knew it would be fun but I also knew my anxiety was eating me alive#and it would be an obstacle getting through that without alcohol and I need to be … careful#but I got fun drunk and didn’t have too bad of a hangover and didn’t feel super anxious once we got out :#and a different friend wants to make plans for tonight but I am really bad at making plans in advance because sometimes I physically can’t#do things after work bc tired bc neuro disorder and it’s frustrating to my friend with severe control issues#bc she needs to make specific plans like a week out and I’m like erm babe I can’t like#do that? and then if I don’t feel well day of and need to be home she gets (rightfully) frustrated because I’m bailing but it’s#challenging. and you don’t understand unless you live with it.#and it’s frustrating for us both. I don’t want her to think I don’t value her because I do and I force myself out often enough bc I#genuinely feel bad. but it’s so fucking hard sometimes . she also lives sort of far so going from work and having#to drive an hour to her place to then go somewhere and be out like#I’m spent before I even get there#friend I saw last night and I don’t talk consistently but when we do it’s always the same vibe and so fun and we just catch up about life#I feel like when I see my other friends they have things to always talk about because they’re in a discord call almost every night#I don’t have the energy!!!!!!!!!! like I’m so sorry that’s so much for me#idk she isn’t answering me now but if she wants to do something I need to know in the next hr bc if not I’m literally going to bed#I love her but there’s a disconnect between us rn and I don’t know how to mend that gap#but I do love her friendship so I’m just like. sigh#idk it would be different if she was closer and I know that#I hope getting back on medication helps get me being more social again. I’m just so tired this week that speaking is hard lol
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I hate how many opportunities I didn’t get because I was a girl and no one cared about me enough to help me
#My brother got so much that I didn’t#and yeah my mom was awful to him but he was everyone else’s favorite and there were so many people enabling his hobbies and such#He molested me AND my sister AND my cousin but everyone brushed it off and defended him#I worked my ass if in school and no one gave a shit but he’d get an A n my dad would buy him expensive video games#he got to play sports and go places#I got to act as my parents therapist and take care of my younger siblings#He threatened to kill himself over a petty argument and my dad talked to him kindly#I almost killed myself and my dad said horrible things to me bc if it#my brother never did shit around the house and no one ever said anything#I was majorly depressed and struggling to get out of bed and was called lazy and selfish#Until I started neglecting myself to take care of housework and school work#I still get shit for sleeping too much when in reality I just can’t sleep at night and it makes me crash at weird times#sorry I’m being stupid and whiny over dumb shit#screaming
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finally got myself out of the rut i’ve been stuck in the past few days and went for a walk. got an açaí bowl and the owner of the place gave me a free drink 🥹 then i went around the lake and all the trees were covered in golden hues of sunlight. summer is coming to an end but i’m glad i got to enjoy one of the last warm september days and soak up the sun. nature is truly healing 🫶🏻💘🌤️
#sometimes it really only takes a little to remember how beautiful life is#it really is the simple things that make life worth living#i could barely get out of bed had a terrible migraine and absolutely no energy the past few days but today i finally felt rejuvenated again#this will be another long work week and the upcoming months will be touch with the weather getting chillier and the sun disappearing sooner#but i know i can make it through i just need to be gentle with myself and let my body rest when it calls for it#i often feel horrible when i can’t get myself to do anything but i also know those days are needed in order for me to feel better again#so i need to learn to be easier on myself and accept those unproductive days#☁️#when sad#*tough
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absolutely loveeeee when i can’t sleep because i’m plagued with the feeling that i’m the worst person to walk this earth 🤭
#feeling like the biggest piece of shit in the world <3 anyways#this is stupid but. i just need to get this shit out#getting bad grades on finals right after my friends do nothing to celebrate my birthday is so fun#that sounds so superficial but !!!! i’ve done something for. every. one. of. their. birthdays. over the last year#it just makes me sad because it confirms i AM and always will be the second choice friend#i feel like my fianc hates me all the time right now too but. that comes with the self deprecation me think#and to top it off my doctor says i’m f*t so 🥳 i hateeeeee myself#i just need to cry. sowwy#sitting in bed crying silently because i can’t do anything right <3
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.
#meg talks#just venting#im in so much pain it’s not even funny#im sorry for being inactive for so long i really was not anticipating this#the good news is ive made a lot of progress on compiling the spreadsheet for vetted gaza funds#so that once ive cleared out the dms i can add additional mods and get the ball rolling properly again#the bad news is that my insomnia is back and my pain is getting so bad i can barely get out of bed or eat#i don’t think it’s related to the fundraising work so much as… everything else -_-#i didn’t want to be out of a job for this long#and having to send so many applications and make so many fucking unhelpful phone calls a day to doctors and help centers…#idk. this isn’t me complaining abt the fundraiser work if anything it’s the only rewarding thing im doing rn#but im frustrated w myself and with my body and with. everything#it’s not just my own family relying on me anymore#and that makes it hard to deal with all this. like i could be using my time and energy way better than this.#but instead im playing phone tag to try and prove that im disabled and need to feed my brothers.#im just cjdhxgxjcncj sigh. whatever if i can just get over this hump then the rest will be downhill#and my friend is going to help me w cooking this weekend so that me and my bros can eat better#so hopefully that will give me a boost too#idr where i was going w this. probably nowhere jdgdjdnxnc im just miserable rn bc i can’t sleep and my leg hurts
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ptsd is being such a bitch to me tonight guys. your girl is not doing well.
#i don’t want to feel this way#but i don’t know how to stop it#i just feel myself spiraling out of control again and all of these thoughts keep coming with it#it wont leave me alone#i want it to leave me alone#i don’t want to go on more meds bc they fucked me up even more and i want to be able to think#but my heart has started pounding so quickly again that i can’t focus on anything else#i feel so empty and weird and vague#december is always a bad time and it’s hard when i don’t have class or work as a distraction#i’m always on the verge of crying and#i just do all these breathing techniques that don’t work#and i just lay in a ball on my bed shaking and hurting#you know it’s bad when even writing doesn’t calm me down#ocd combining with ptsd is a hell of a thing#how can you calm yourself down when you’re not thinking rationally and it won’t leave your head#part of me just wants to panic and get it over with but i feel like if i start i won’t be able to stop and just simply fly into hysterics#idk#just haven’t felt this bad in a while#i just want to get out of my head so bad#i wish i could turn thinking off#sorry i know y’all aren’t my therapist and i should get my own#but im still on my parents insurance and i don’t think they would allow that#i don’t mean to vent#i just feel really hopeless and shit rn#anyway#i’m going to try to sleep and hope it will be better in the morning#it wont be tho lol#nothing is ever better#bc the universe and god hate me
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cannot stress enough that this isn’t a pro food diso/rder blog. I’m just depressed.
#I love love love food! and i also can’t get up for hours sometimes#kaya egg toast my beloved…#i make it when i wanna be nice to myself...#unfortunately i think i overreached on spoons bc i immediately went back to bed for 4 hours after i ate it :\#couldnt get back up out of bed until afternoon... i need a day of nothing please#food#food log#food journal#food diary#i know there is an e/d side to this place and cannot stress enough that i love and enjoy food
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Tucks you in and transforms into a kitten kneading your stomach so you can’t leave and are forced to relax
Thank you user williamkisser, I wish I could relax like this all day 😔
#I can’t believe I tucked in a Jose cutout in my bed for this#I promise that I didn’t take 1 week to respond because I was busy setting this up#also thank you grandma for the beddings (she doesnt know who Jose “the first officer’ Baden is#okay now I need to get Jose out and get in bed myself#William mewis can stay#(Jose was originally on the wall so he’s going back where he belongs#idv
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need to dust + declutter my room in a major way but have not been able to come up with even a crumb of motivation to do little else but bed rot :(
#outside of visiting mum in hospital have just been. in bed#and it has bit me in the proverbial big time#got my centrelink payment cancelled because i couldnt face my appointment + then just let it slide#had an appointment scheduled for tomorrow that i was going to force myself to attend only to find out they pushed the cancel button today#it’s my own fault so can’t complain and am mostly just upset at myself for letting my mental health get on top of me to this point#esp when my service provider was so chill one lousy call and it would have been fine#anyways. here’s hoping the new claim won’t take the whole projected four weeks#that or that my ed kicks rocks and i manage to be a functioning member of society who can work a job#everything is just feeling very overwhelming :(#personal
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grabs my computer screen and starts shaking it how to cure gender dysphoria HOW TO CURE GENDER DYSPHORIA
#kidding theres no way to fix it when it’s like this#everything i’d normally do to alleviate it makes it worse when it’s this bad#because it’s like wow look at you trying so embarrassingly hard to not look disgusting and failing miserably#i had to cancel my plans yesterday and today because girl i can’t go outside when i feel like this i can’t even get out of bed#looking at myself makes me want to VOMIT why do i look like this#i look back on old pictures of myself and try to work out what was different back then so i can replicate it#but people say i look exactly the same in those photos as i do now#and i remember taking those old photos and feeling ugly and dysphoric back then too#if i lean back into my more cis look i’ll get gendered correctly again which i want#but i don’t like playing cis man it’s not who i am and it makes me feel weird and gross#i just hate what i look like no matter what i do to my appearance#every single part of my physical self makes me feel really ill and anxious and bad and guilty#there’s not a single bit of me i can stand to look at when i feel like this#i feel like everyone who has ever seen me thinks i’m disgusting and ugly and horrible to look at#and i want to like hide forever but i can’t#it’s so hard to function like this#i hate everything about me so much#someone affirm my stupid dumb ass gender right fucking now i’m going to die
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having a depressive episode after being okay for a while is really fucking hard cause you start noticing how much you‘re changing, how all of your energy is just fucking gone and how the smallest tasks are too much for you to deal with. it’s slowly but surely tearing you apart and you’re not sure if you’ll recover from this one
#my anxiety is skyrocketing#i cant stop thinking about sh and alc#i can’t get out of bed#i can’t shower#i can’t do chores#i feel like throwing up anytime i eat but i‘m binging again#i physically cant get myself to talk to friends#i‘m trying to be kind and gentle but i feel like i‘m being a real bitch to anyone who tries to talk to me#cant even distract myself with shows or movies or even music cause i’m simultaneously overstimulated and exhausted#it’s bad#personal
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