#but I am very proud of myself sometimes
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Fic authors self rec! When you get this, reply with your favorite five fics that you've written, then pass on to at least five other writers. Let’s spread the self-love 🤍
Oh wow! Thank you so much for giving me the opportunity to talk about my own work. I always feel awkward doing self promotion, but I do think there are some works I love so much. Here's my list of five in no particular order:
The Dream Continues for Fugitive Gaming- Players- G- 1k- This story is for a now sadly cancelled Paramount Plus show called Players that was my absolute favorite. There's very little fic for the show, but I love that I pushed myself to write an out of the box faux- Rolling Stone profile.
The Traditional Art of Storytelling- Stargate: Atlantis- G- 1k- Although I've written a lot of SGA fic, this one stands out in my mind because I think I captured something very tender and personal. Again, not my normal style, but something that pushed me as a writer.
Bleeding Tension- Stargate: Atlantis- T- 6k- My first SGA fic and one I still love. It will always have a place in my heart as the thing that opened so many doors for me and lead to so many friendships.
Girlfriend-Girlfriend- Barbie (2023)- T- 4k- I've been genuinely so lucky with this fic. I was so taken with the movie the moment I saw it and as I was leaving the theater I was already dreaming up this fic. It's had far more success than I ever imagined and I love the connection people have with it.
Trail Riding- Stargate: SG1- G- 14k- This was my "return" to writing fic. The idea I could not get out of my brain, that I simply had to sit down and write. I can still remember the feeling of complete satisfaction when it was finished and terror when I posted it.
I'd also like to give an honorable mention to an as-of-yet unpublished due South fic called I Miss You, Etc. It's a magnum opus. A door stopper. A story I poured months and months of myself into. And once it's published with the rest of the big bang fics I'm sure I won't be able to shut up about it. But for now, I just want to say how proud I am of it.
#I was a little loquacious here#but I am very proud of myself sometimes#players#stargate atlantis#stargate sg1#barbie#fic rec
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coming out of playing a farm sim for 20 hours straight like does anyone want to see my pink chicken named pudding
#taylor.txt#taylor plays fom#im very proud of her shes beautiful#sometimes i forget how actually brutal the adhd hyperfixation can be#like i love the game but i am not enjoying myself LMAO my wrists hurt. i didnt finish my chores#i did eat two meals today though so better than it could have been but like holy fuck man. this is not fun#thankfully work starting on monday will put my brain back in order fjskfnsfnd
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Everyday i draw comics and every day i wish i was drawing something else
#the comics arent even bad this is a great comic im working on#i just wanna draw fish tho#i just wanna leisurely finish an illustration#the nature of comics is that u do it in stages so even when it’s a sole artist#because time has passed between each stage#the process feels incomplete and less like a unified vision and more like i am trying to keep a consistency w myself#especially for commercial work where i sometimes wait a very long time between stages#i just want to draw a single picture thats immediately finished and i can be proud of
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Fun fact I consider Akechi to have low empathy because I too have low empathy
#sometimes i mention this and people think i am bragging or am proud of it. i am very much not#it's sometimes horrifying to think that i can't bring myself to care about certain things#i relate a lot to saiki but i also base a lot of akechi's traits in my work off of my own#saiki k#fluffy cooks a headcanon
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personal growth is crazy because it seems like nothing has changed until you're crying because you don't want to die. you learn something about yourself that ten years ago would have actually killed you, and now you're thinking about what you can do to heal and make peace with it. nothing may have changed to you, but to the person you were however long ago, you are the "it gets better"
#guy who's very proud of how well he's handling things rn lol#anyways personal time:#but idk man i kinda remembered smthn from my past n#like. if it wasn't for how much effort i've put into my mental health n coping skills#n my support network now#idk id be in a much worse place.#so i'm gonna forgive myself for not really sleeping last night#n having a hard time with my bpd feelings n emotions#because fuck man! i'm doin really good actually!#growth doesn't have to be oh man i'm never ever sad anymore#it's just. idk i don't cry because i Wanna die anymore#sometimes i have an intrusive thought of suicide#and it makes me cry because i DONT wanna die. and i know those thoughts are not good or needed#but i'm not gonna beat myself up for having them. i'm just gonna be patient n gentle w myself#n give myself time#n everything will be okay(:#bc it is okay! it's in the past and i'm safe now. and i wanna make other people feel safe too#growth starts w baby steps. n that's why it's so hard to recognize in yourself a lot of the time#it goes slooooooowly. for me at least lol.#mine#despite everything i am happy because i know my life now is one i love (: and one im actively trying to better for myself
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Spent all day cleaning like a motherFUCKER and I feel very proud of myself.
- dusted everywhere
- vacuumed the bedroom, living room, kitchen, and hall
- sorted and put away a shit ton of Random Stuff
- cleaned all the windows
- cleaned up the sofa
- put away all the shoes I need to sell in a box
- took out the recycling
- washed the dishes
- and what I'm most proud of: I climbed up on the extremely, unnervingly high and wobbly wooden construction that my former roommate built (so that she could have her bed up on a platform just below the ceiling, while the sofa and sofa table are directly below it), crawled across it while saying my prayers, and figured out how the curtain racks worked so I could carefully unscrew them and remove the giant ugly dusty curtains that I've been wanting to get rid of for years
The only bad part of the day was that I then tried to wash the huge dusty curtains and I used too much detergent out of enthusiasm and ebullience, so my washing machine overflowed 🙃
(not badly, but there was a lot of very hot dirty water to soak up, using all my towels, because I don't have a wet vac)
I'm nervous to try running the machine again, but I guess I have to... wish me luck please 😬
#cosmo gyres#personal#homemaking#i'm very proud of myself for how i handled the flood though#i saw water all over my bathroom floor and just started to laugh#then immediately cancelled the wash cycle and started problem-solving#i think it's going to be okay (unless my machine is legit busted)#this is one of those moments when it becomes starkly clear how few practical life skills my parents taught me#i have no idea if there's something you're supposed to do to maintain washing machines#do they have a filter that needs replacing like dishwashers do?#(i've never done anything about replacing my dishwasher filter either bc tbh i don't think it has one...#dishwashers tend to use salt here. instead of filters? no clue#i am really REMARKABLY ignorant about appliances and home care stuff#and i am pluckily trying to figure out all out on my own as i encounter issue after issue#but sometimes i do think a very 'handy' partner would... well... come in handy#in any case i may not have the knowledge but at least i have a calm and light-hearted attitude#when it comes to these sorts of problems. and that goes a long way)
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[ * Pros of self indulgent art: making what you crave and want to see in the world! ] [ * Cons: It’s not everyone’s niche ]
#Random Ramblings#And it’s totally fine!#It just stings when I have to remind myself of the fact I am in a very very niche area#Like being really proud of something and how it looks#posting it and the only people who pay it mind is like. Mutuals.#Okay this all sounds really ungrateful and bitter and I’m not!! I appreciate the fact that even one person is seeing it and bothering to#interact in a small way#But I create and post to SHARE these things I enjoy#and it feels like sometimes like I’m one of those newspaper boys in movies where they’re shouting and everyone is just running by#And more people notice than I realize I’m sure!! But. GSHSHDJDHJSD it’s hard to get out of my head#vent#the tags are#kinda
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no bc where did that post go that was like “listen if imagining blorbos telling u to brush your teeth is what works to get you through the mental illness than you just gotta accept it” because I was literally hanging out with some friends recently (all part of my dnd party) and we ordered food and they were trying to get me to try some unfamiliar scary foods so of course I was like “ahhh nooo yucky :(((" but then my DM fucking looks at me. and says “if you eat this bite then Dimitri gets to pet a stray cat in the campaign like you wanted”. and when I tell you that shit MOTIVATED me-
#saying I wolfed it down would be a lie bc it was still very hard for me to eat it#BUT BY GOD WAS THAT EFFECTIVE?? LIKE DAMN?#IF IT WORKS IT FUCKIN WORKS I GUESS GODDAMN#LIKE? IT WAS A TANGIBLE REWARD AND IT WAS SOMETHING I REALLYYY WANTED? SO. YEAH. LMAO#anyways I am proud of myself for trying things that night :) I gave up when they tried to get me to eat shrimp#but I DID try some other very scary things!!! and it wasn’t even that awful!#sometimes a little peer pressure is good tbh#I really need to get over my fear of trying food and my friends can honestly be extremely good at helping me#even if it’s in a silly or aggressive way lmao
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Dont read these tags its sad stupid shit
#sometimes lately ive been feeling like. good and not so depressed and like#psyched i can be proud of myself and start something new#and then i remember like. my boy is gone forever#and wont ever come back and ill never see him again no matter what#and its like ohhhhhh it is meaningless..#idk. lately theres so much new stuff#i wish someone would come back from the past eager to know me again just to hold on to something for a second from the person i used to be#when he was still with me#idk i dont wven feel like myself anymore#hard to reconcile#there was a line in white nights earlier youve reconciled me with myself#he said to the lady he met on the street and is obsessed with#i think its a kinda bad translation but what a sweet earnest thing to say#😵💫#sorry guys i hope no onw reads this#im sooo bad w grief#i have very little in the way of like. anythingnfrom my past or family support that gives me access to my childhood#vent#uhhhhh isk what tontag this#vent post#tw sad shit#i guess#pet grief#my boy is my late cat. i knownits stupid to be so attached to a cat like socially....seen as superfluous#but i was friendless and lived alone for age18-25 with just him 😵💫 even when we lived in one room all my shitnshoved to the walls#idkkkkkk k kk k k k i just feel like. everything is happening now in an epilogue of a book thats been over since he died#and idk why i am still here. kinda. in a basic way#i just have a job to have something to do during the day and i guess groceries. i dont even like eating anymore its so cumbersome#damn idk#tryin to buy smth on best buy dot com really set me off jfc
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🏞🏞🏞
#the thing is I'm not proud of many things I've done. It's actually the exact opposite.#I kinda suck most of the time if I'm honest. but getting sober and doing it all on my own...#it's one of the only things I'm proud of when it comes to myself. sure.it's my third attempt but 1 year and 3 months...#it's the longest time I've ever managed to not try and deal with myself in a way that slowly but surely fucked me up in a very different way#I still struggle. some days are easier than others#but I'm still doing it.#being sober doesn't magically solve all my other issues but I don't spiral as much as I used to.#i don't think I'll ever be someone people can be around. which is like i don't blame people. i know how i am and how fucking difficult it is#to deal with that. the fear of abandonment that makes me push people away until they leave. the self-fulfilling prophesy of it all#the way i push and when i get the result i was expecting the immediate pull the fear and irrationality#the emotional disreggulation the self-pity#it's gotten better since i stopped drinking. less frequently and all that... but it's never gone not really#sometimes i think about the what could've beens.#what if my childhood went a little differently. what if my dad was there for me when i needed him. what if i wasn't me.#my ex best friend once told me that I'm to desperate to be saved. that nobody can do that anyway.#I'm not sure if I'd deserve it anyway. i have dreams in which I'm still me still dark and ugly and selfish and cruel at times#but i am trying i like to believe that i am already trying. i am. I'm just scared that it'll never be enough.#I'm not proud of many things but I'm 1 year and 3 months sober#only a few days and it's gonna be 1 year and 4 months#i didn't achieve much in my life but I'm here and i am trying every day i am trying and i hope on day it'll be enough#i hope one day i won't cause pain but build something good#sorry... I've just been thinking about it lately#because it is an achievement and i didn’t let myself be proud of how far I've come#alex talks#I'm still scared that people will look at me differently when they know... sometimes i feel like they can see the my rotten core anyway#to delete
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It's been a while since I've drawn and actually posted art on here, I think it's at least had to have been 2 years, and that's because I just havent been drawing, I've felt very upset about my art, but but I'm trying to not be as much of a perfectionist, and allow myself to just draw... that being said
Here is Funtime Freddy, since I originally drew OG Freddy but messed it up and it looked off so I turned him into Funtime Freddy
Also I was drawing the Donatellos too, but idk if I'll post that one, I have a lot of notes written on it for context
#friendly hermit art#that shall be my art tag... that I'll rarely use but it's whatever#i guess i just need to make more that im proud to show off#stuff i want to show people and hear praise that i refuse to give myself#I am very sad sometimes wow#funtime freddy#fnaf sl#the sad part is i completely expect to get no notifs on this...#i really need to get another drawing tablet grrrr
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This Close
a little j.h.s. something
pairing: My favorite Texan Naval aviator, Jake ‘Hangman’ Seresin x Female...Reader? OC? She’s kind of both? I’ll explain more in the Author’s Note. 😜 warnings: Mutual pining. Yearny. Friends with feelings they’re not acknowledging. PG-level swears. Takes place in a bar that’s not The Hard Deck. There’s a Dean Martin song used.😜 word count: a little over 1k. author’s note: This is my first bit of writing shared in a good long while, and also my first bit of writing for Top Gun Maverick since that movie happened to me this year. Be gentle please I’m nervous???? 😨😱 This story is actually part of a moment I have in mind for a whole, longer, multi-parted story that’s currently simmering on the stovetop of my brain until I can figure it out more/work up the nerve to plot it out and start writing and sharing it involving Jake and a Lady OC who I’m also still developing. Hence she, ‘Birdy’ a nickname she’s referred to as once here ☺, is sort of straddling the Reader/OC line at the moment. I honestly prefer writing this way than in the second person; it’s easier for me and I find I like the way things flow and feel better, so hopefully y’all don’t mind it. Okay. I’ve officially rambled w a y too much so I’m shutting my cakehole now. 🤐 I sincerely hope it pleases you! 💕❤ bonus material: This is the song that’s playing in the bar in case you want to listen in on Jake and Birdy’s dance. It’s not a love song really, but I love it and find there is a certain sweet, romance to it. But then again, I’m a known Sap, so form your own opinion. 😉 tagging: My Sweet B.💗 ‘cause she’s a dear, inspiring, and encouraging gem of a lady, whom I love. @bradshawsbaby
"The sun is sinking in the west the cattle go down to the stream the redwing settles in her nest it's time for a cowboy to dream..."
With the first few lines of the song and Dean Martin's signature croon, the energy and volume in the crowded bar immediately shifts, lowering from it's previous loud, buzzing intensity to a quieter, pleasant hum. A few of the dancing couples rearrange themselves into new pairs, but most stay with their current partners.
Jake's green eyes glow warm. His lips are still upturned in a gentler, one-sided version of his familiar wide and sunshiney smile, as his gaze sweeps around the space casually, before meeting hers.
"Shall we?" he quirks an eyebrow up. Speaks only loudly enough for her to hear. His left hand remains loosely entwined with her right, leftover from the previous, faster dance, but he's inviting her to join him for this one, not assuming she wants to. A gentleman's gesture.
And some might argue against it: but she knows, believes, has seen, that Jacob Seresin is a gentleman, in the truest sense of the word. He just....buries that part of himself, walls it up, far too often.
She tightens her grip on his hand. Let's herself notice, secretly relish, the roughness of his calloused fingers and palm. And the skipping jolt it sends to her heart. "Let's." and a smiling nod is her only response.
“Purple lights in the canyons That's where I long to be With my three good companions Just my rifle, my pony, and me...”
They step in close to one another once more, less than a foot of space between them. It's not really different than what they had been doing a minute or so ago, albiet slower, but the feeling, the energy between them has changed, just as it has for the place as a whole.
It's not necessarily an unpleasant change.
Jake's right hand holds her waist with a sort of tentative firmness, the heat of his palm bleeds through the material of her dress to her skin. His left hand has raised her right while they sway and take small steps in time with the music.
At first she looks everywhere but at her partner's face. Gaze sweeping around the room at the other couples, the lights above the bar, patrons' abandoned drinks....
She's exposed, raw, hyper-aware of the pounding of her heart against her ribs, of how hot her cheeks are, of the inherent intimacy there is in this slow closeness, and somehow it seems that if she looks in Jake's eyes it will be a tacit acknowledgement of the Truth she's currently refusing to actively acknowledge: that she likes this. Likes him. This man is her friend (becoming one of her favorite, best ones), so of course she likes him, and she is comfortable with him, as a woman and as his friend, but that Truth? What it actually means deep down? It's a damn frightening thing to look at head-on.
All these sensations and thoughts scramble through her heart and brain in milliseconds.
“Gonna hang my sombrero, On the limb of a tree Comin' home, sweetheart darlin' Just my rifle, my pony, and me...”
The sound of the Naval Lieutenant humming the tune of the song near her ear draws her eyes back to him, almost against her will, but not actually. He's looking around too at first, but quickly meets her eyeline with a gentle widening of his smile.
"You know this song?" she asks with a smile of her own; she knows this tune well but wouldn't have guessed he did. It brings an ache of fondness to her chest that he does.
"Mm-hm." he nods and grins fully with his mouth closed. His nose scrunches up once, barely perceptible but she catches it. The skin around his eyes crinkles and her chest is hurting again.
She drops her gaze for just a moment, trying to think of something to say. The silence isn't uncomfortable, it's just that she likes the sound of his voice. Likes the way he talks to her. But when her eyes catch the sheen of sweat on his skin over the hollow of his throat, they fly back up. Immediately.
Jake is still looking at her. His look is so very unguarded (her heart whispers the word: tender) it sends any thought of words out of her mind. His pink mouth is still smiling, but it too is a smaller, softer, a more intentional, meaningful thing.
“Whippoorwill in the willow Sings a sweet melody Ridin' to Amarillo Just my rifle, my pony, and me...”
He breathes out the quietest, whispered, "Hey, Birdy."
Her throat is tight with some unexpressed, still-ignored emotion but she's able to whisper back, "Hey, Jay."
Jake gives her hand two squeezes in quick succession.
“No more cows to be ropin’ No more strays will I see Round the bend, she'll be waitin' For my rifle, my pony, and me My rifle, my pony, and me...”
Someone in the crowd calls for the song to please be played again, just once more. Their request is granted.
She swallows hard. Jake's lashes are long and his eyes are so green and the unguarded, tender look in them is still there. He is no longer smiling, just looking; his expression still soft, open. He's not only looking at her but seeing her. The rosy, ruddy glow to his cheeks and the firmness of him beneath her hand that cups his back, all shout of the health, vitality, alive-ness of him.
It's a fight to think of other things besides her desire to lean all the way into his chest.
I wanna give up that fight. For right now: I can give up. I give up. she thinks to herself. With a finality and resolve to which she grasps tightly.
Before anxiety and self-doubt and outright fear can question and crumble that resolve she does it.
She takes the half-step in, tucking her left hand between their two bodies up by her face and rests her cheek to his t-shirt covered chest, right below his left clavicle. She allows any tension to bleed from her shoulders, her neck, her arms, and lets him hold her.
Just for the rest of the song, she tells herself.
As he curls his right arm all the way round her back, Jake holds his next inhale at its peak for a quick extra second or two, then lets it out evenly, once she relaxes fully against him. She can't see his face of course, but he feels like even his blinking is slow, and careful. She's never been quite this close to him before now. And he's never....he's not sure he has ever allowed himself to consider that he's wanted her to be...but his deep-down self is realizing: he has. Damn.
He shakes that realization and its implications off for the moment. It doesn't have to be dealt with right now.
Just enjoy the rest of the song, Seresin, he tells himself. Rests his cheek gently against her head. Holds her.
They sway and take small steps, to and fro, to and fro, until the song does...eventually...unfortunately....end.
#Jake 'Hangman' Seresin#Jake 'Hangman' Seresin x Reader#Top Gun Maverick Fanfic#Hangman x Reader#Top Gun Maverick#I Wrote This#*sets this down gingerly. looks at it a moment. runs away to hide behind a bush and watch*#I cannot lie I love this very much and am really proud of it bUT I AM ALSO RIDOIKULOUSLY NERVOUS#'CAUSE LIKE I SAID IT'S BEEN A MINUTE SINCE I'VE SHARED MY WORD BABBLINGS#AND THERE ARE S O M A N Y AMAZINGLY TALENTED HUMANS IN THIS COMMUNITY OF FANS OF THIS FILM#THAT IT'S EASY TO BE INTIMIDATED#I NEED TO STOP STALLING-WHOOPS I MEAN YELLING- AND JUST CLICK 'POST' NOW DON'T I?#Me @ myself: yeah you do Kid. OKAYOKAYOKAY here goes.#Please tell me what you think!! 💕💕💕#Sometimes I Art#<- because I made the moodboard and I want it in my art tag ^u^
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I am just so tired of everything but I can't do anything about it
#I can change this situation if I work hard and sincerely....but I just.... can't?#I just feel more physically tired day by day and it feels like I am being lazy and not trying hard enough#But I just. Can't.#Like one surface level I do understand it's just that I am not in a really good place mentally but sometimes it just feels so...bad#I don't know. I have been feeling a lot of unpleasant feelings towards people I though I loved and cared about and it is really troubling m#And then there's this situation of me just not being good enough. And it's so frustrating#I just. There's this person who I have been really envying for a while. I felt very guilty to admit it but I don't know man. Especially whe#I can't bring myself to completely envy and dislike them out of pettiness....it just feels so Wrong And Bad#But I don't know....why do I feel like I can't do anything about this when I can if I try#Why can't I just try to change this. Change myself#I am surrounded by people who support me always....yet I can't do better and I can't do ENOUGH#It just.I don't know. On one hand I wish I was better because I do have a bit of an ego and I want to relish that feeling of winning#On the other hand....I want people who I love to be proud of me.#But I can't because I am too lazy for this can I#It's like I've hit this slump and I can't get out of it#I've tried so much to get out of it....everyone around me tells me not to let myself get too deep into whining and negative emotions and#give up...but man is it so fucking hard not to. It makes me loathe myself that#I feel like running away from my responsibilities when I don't even carry them out. I haven't done shit to feel like I need a break#I don't know I just really am dissatisfied and disappointed with my current self now.#N rambles
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Uh oh. Essay in readmore time
What's so frustrating is that for almost all of my life I didn't know I had adhd, and only found it out 5ish years ago
During ALL of my studies i was intensely freaked out and even when i got a grip on some of my mental health shit at uni, importantly I was still unaware of the adhd. And only had some professional tell me about their suspicion about it AFTER I could have received any support in my schooling.
And I have been working damn hard over the last half a decade to learn about myself and the way I work, and be kind to myself and open minded, and learnt from many many different people with adhd how they function - especially through advice on here bc much of Google is shit, and learnt what does and doesn't work for my personally.
I slowly unravelled and found myself. To a point where I'm actually functional and content in myself.
So now i find myself in the most intense, stressful period of my life since then. Grieving and finally understanding what people meant when they spoke about grieving a very close loved one. How nothing feels real even.
And I've found myself so extremely wired from having to do a very vast array of tasks all crammed into a short space of time with a close deadline - exactly the same conditions as during my studies.......... where nothing ever helped.
Yet. In the last thirty minutes I've unwound because I instinctively KNEW what to do. I found myself following all the things i taught myself about my adhd, and now I'm like 70% more chill???? Huh?????? Noticed suddenly that I've been using my ADHD self knowledge for the past few weeks and coped remarkably well because of it.
It's shocking because imagine what i could have done if I had ANY help with my adhd EVER in my life from the adults who were supposed to notice in my entire childhood. Like HUHHHHHH, I am shocked. Imagine how I'm here as an adult using 5 years of learning adhd related advice and stuff I learnt through self awareness .... and feeling better.
SHOCKING!!!!
PS - long ass tags that immediately ramble away from my initial post and go into something positive and that made me feel fluffy inside. You've been warned
#It's so fucking aggravating#i was a self contained child and didn't display the Expected ADHD traits or what fucking ever and so i got left to rot by the system#fantastic#sighhhhh but on the bright side - i am damn PROUD of myself tonight. I've come so far#It's very hard being neurodivergent and I'm doing amazing by own like standards#btw secret lore - first time i ever said aloud that i was proud of myself was in therapy like 6 years ago#and it was indescribably hard to get to that stuttered halting sentence 'i am proud of myself'. so hard and my therapist was so clearly#over the moon for me. i still treasure that memory and the path i have taken to being kind to myself and that's why every time i say#i am proud of myself#it holds the memory of every time I've ever said it or thought it and believed it#every time i see someone do something good i make sure to say well done because I'm proud of them too :-)#i do it apparently with such conviction and sincerety that people stop and stumble sometimes aha#i think it's beautiful to help people notice when they do well. like 'oh skipped work every day until today' - well done u made it today!!#'i cooked a meal and got it the way my mother makes it after many failed attempts' - well done you must have worked so hard#'i made a important phone call' (from friend who has told me before how much they struggle w calls) - BIG WELL DONE that must have been har#It's easy to notice and pay attention to people and congratulate them for these things that may not sound Big bc 'everyone else can do it'#as they say. or they are too busy to notice they did something that took effort on their part. It's so wonderful to make a difference#and hope they can be proud of themselves too in that moment#man this took a positive turn.... this is something I've not really said before. but it is truly so joyful to congratulate people to me
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i don't make resolutions, but if i did
it would be to finish this fic
(and to be kind to myself for however long it takes to actually do so)
#i'm finishing it if it kills me#i know i've been writing this makeout scene for 3 weeks but baby that can't last forever#if we want to get deep and dark and serious for a second i do think a lot of my struggles to write lately have to do with engagement#and how incredibly low engagement has been on the last few things i've written#which like. is what it is. i'm not entitled to anybody's time or comments or kudos.#but when you write stuff you're proud of and it feels like it's barely getting read it's hard to keep momentum.#this isn't intended as a woe is me or whatever it's just kind of like. there. hovering.#happens enough times you start to wonder if it's you. am i just writing for the wrong fandom/ship?#(too bad if so. they're in my bones i'm writing for them and no one can stop me.)#but yeah. if you ever wonder if authors do care or notice about hits. comments. kudos. buddy i am here to tell you#not only do we care and FLOURISH we also notice when those things drop off and readers vanish#and it is a giant bummer. and sometimes makes us wildly paranoid about why that might have happened.#so if you liked a fic today--not even one of mine. just. anybody's. share it. comment on it.#kudos at the VERY least (cuz frankly kudos is there to be an 'i got to the end and this was nice' feature.#so when you get 500 hits and only like 30 kudos? it feels like 470 of those people hated your work)#anyway. that got out of hand. lil' too raw lil' too honest. happens when you let yourself ramble at 11:30 instead of sleeping#to sum: let your local fic writer know if they've made you happy#and as we go into 2024 i am swearing to myself that this fic (and probably several others) are getting finished#come hell. high water. or dishearteningly low engagement numbers.#(and then maybe we...actually work on something original. cuz why not. new year same old me but i'll do my best.)
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The longer I am alive, the more my brain replays that scene in Lilo and Stitch where the scientist is watching Stitch fret around at night, and the scientist says something like, "poor thing, doesn't even have fond memories to keep it warm at night" or something
As a kid, I didn't realize how comforting memories could be, and I rarely had the luxury to create them.
I am glad I survived. It would have been easier, with fond memories to comfort me during painful times. I have many now, though, and they are indeed good company.
#i wish id sat in more trees and watched more falling stars and snuck out to watch the first colors of sunrise over the river more often.#i wished id understood how to make friends. i wish i could have been vulnerable enough to make friends. i wish surviving hadnt been a#constant struggle. it is what it is. sometimes when i was a kid id wonder if my future self would have more love for me. id ache for it to#be true--for someone to know me and still love me. and i love that younger version of myself so much. they did so good. it all hurt so#terribly but they did so good anyways. i am very proud of them for fighting through the bad things so i could find unimaginable happiness.#like life is still really hard but like...idk. i never knew id ever have a comforting friendship. i never knew someone would love all of me#its so precious to me--to exist here and now with a wife and a partner and a cat. to cherish my body and view it as a ally rather than a#nemesis and failure. this has been a big year for Learning To Be Gentle With Myself and ive found such a quiet restfulness. its peaceful in#my brain when all of the terror settles down and allows softness and quietness and gentleness to exist in my brain.#sorenhoots#and i have memories that are so warm now. they grow like a struggling garden but they grow. someday theyll grow like weeds i hope. ill do my#best to keep planting them.
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