#but I am genuinely considering abandoning all of my relationships because I don’t need them

[soupjug]

going through another “ there’s nothing wrong with me phase “ and this one’s pretty intense 

[thatonedeaddoll]

˚✧₊⁎ JUST A DOLL IN THE WORLD ⁎⁺˳✧༚

hee ☆ they/them ☆ 20+ ☆ leo ☆ INTJ-T ☆ 1w2

my name is toman but everyone call me hee, im kinda of a weird mix between a yan and a darling, mostly because of mental illnesses like general anxiety disorder, c-ptsd, depression, ocd, abandonment issues, paranoid thoughts and others. also im auDHD, so both autistic and ADHD. i’m under the non-binary umbrella, agender if you are asking yourself rn. yes i’m aware that i am quite feminine, i wear long nails, makeup and long hair but it doesn’t mean that im a girl, in fact im transgender as well and had my top surgery last year. im perfectly comfortable with how i look and being this paradoxal mix of very feminine presenting, androgynous body and the dream of being a puppet/doll, suit me perfectly. i don’t want nor need to change anything about that and i will never be a girl. please respect my pronouns and don’t use feminine coded nicknames with me. the only one i allow is fully reserved to my boyfriend and it will stay like that until i decide otherwise. i dnt want to disclose my age since i don’t want to be judge for how i act — childish, candide, high pitched voice n stuff ; regarding to that, the fact that it’s genuine and despite my wanting, related to being autistic and very traumatized as a child but im obviously not a minor.

also fyi : im taken by @thatonedeadboi, soon to be collared and i am in an exclusive relationship with a very jealous and possessive bf so be careful for your own good since he is a yan. i don’t have anything to offer besides friendship and good advices. you can consider me as a free shrink, if you will.

YAN MBTI : RAHL / CDDAF / CDWI / LSMT.

my anons and dm are open for general discussion, mental illness and/or queer support, but remind yourself that any misgendering, nude or shit like that will end up with you being blocked and my boyfriend probably talking to you.

DNI : all kind of queerphobics, fatshamming, kinkshamming, pedocriminal/pedos, zoophilia, racists n stuff, actual rape fantasies [im not talking abt cnc].

minors are ok to interact but keep in mind that it’s a nsfw space [blood, weapons, mature content, sexual stuff etc] so it’s up on you to be careful with what you choose to look at.

@arsneist is an actual father figure in my daily irl life and also one of my best friends so don’t missinterpret stuff, thankie.

TAGS :

vent/rant/journal : ･ ﾟ･(｡>ω<｡)･ﾟ･ coping with the very troubled child ₊⁎⁺˳✧༚

my god’s related thoughts : (´｡• ω •｡`) ♡ hades to me persephone ₊⁎⁺˳✧༚

personal post : (⁄ ⁄•⁄ω⁄•⁄ ⁄) the weird kid around tumblr ₊⁎⁺˳✧༚

repost :ヾ(☆ ω ☆) me likey some gory disturbing things ₊⁎⁺˳✧༚

[scruffyssketchbook]

I'm genuinely sorry if this sounds rude, but i consider that theme more like backing off. Like making comic for more than 10 years, it's plot, saying that all the plot and another questions will be answered later, keeping fans interested in that, and at the one moment harshly break all the story, leaving fans that really was interested in all these things with nothing. Why did you even made a ton of stuff, when you could just answer most frequent and important questions and move on to the next.

Hmm~ Honestly speaking, my life would be better if I was not writing and posting about SSEC because I am struggling a ton and would benefit greatly from focusing on things that’ll actually help me live. So I do appreciate people on my Patreon and Twitch that help me continue like- being able to do this.

But with that said. I can back out at any point really. I don’t really have an obligation to complete the story for anyone. I don’t have to do Box 31. And if I did leave entirely, It would improve my life much more than if I stayed. Like. Did I string people along? Prolly. But that’s kind of what you get when reading a webcomic. Some are abandoned and never continue due to life reasons or due to the person losing interest, And you know, it kind of took me a long time to come to terms with that and actually try to improve things. Not because of others, but because of me. Because I want to do these things.

I feel like ever since I started posting ssec, I kept it going for others and not for me. These story issues were always present, But I went on for the readers. I started SSEC not for others to read, but for myself. And when people started enjoying it, I was like “oh!!! People actually like my stuff?? I’ll keep going for them!!!” When I received Critisism, I broke down and tried fixing all the things people didn’t like so they can be happy, when I was at my lowest, I still updated weekly despite the world around me crumbling for the readers, when I found holes in the story, when I saw how bad the story will become if I kept going with the original plans, I tried saving the story for the readers, I tried fixing things and tried all I could to keep writing SSEC.

But, in the end, the issues in the stories foundation prevailed.

The reason I started drawing Eevolves was because I was depressed when writing SSEC. It made me sad. Every page was a struggle to get through, and I felt like I needed a change of pace because SSEC was just so depressing for me. And I was so happy planning Eevolves. The characters made me happy, the world made me happy, their relationships made me happy. I wanted SSEC to be more like it. And so I was planning and changing and trying to make SSeC like Eevolves. I actually love the past 2 chapters of SSEC. Paper’s please is my favorite chapter in the story and is what I want Box31 to be like, and this current chapter was so goofy and funny, it made me happy writing it. But then I realized. This happiness is only temporary. All of the things I did not want to address, all of the dark things in the story (like R word, extreme child abuse, suicide, As you saw with Felix: Blood and death, incest, Other types of abuse etc etc) and all of the broken nonsensical edgy lore I made as a kid influenced by even worse fanfics felt like a monster lurking in the shadows of my bright garden. It had to come up at some point. But I did not want to address it. I do not want to be associated with it. I do not want more people to have panic attacks because they saw things in my work that reminded them of experiences they went through.

I make SSEC to make people smile.

That was why I started posting and why I am still posting. I like making people happy. And I know that I am making a lot of people sad with these changes, but in the long run, I do believe that this is better than leaving it as is. Plus, ofc, I’m doing these changes for me. :3 and I really do need to take care of myself more ^^

I know this didn’t really answer the ask but like, Idk what else to say other than Sorry! Thinking of myself for once!!! 😄 thanks for reading!!! 😄😄😄

[samwpmarleau]

genuinely wanting someone who hated the james tartt sr. story to explain (not putting u on the spot, others feel free to weigh in!) — in what way is showing a character has chosen to go to rehab & smiling once = redeeming that character ?

i literally feel like people complaining about sr’s “redemption arc” are watching a different show than i am…. having qualms is valid but i don’t think redemption is what anyone was going for here.

Requisite disclaimer that this is just my opinion. Others may have their own.

Putting this under a cut because it's long.

I don't think he was redeemed — in my eyes, he's way beyond redemption — but I think the show clearly wants us to view him as such. Which is an issue because there's absolutely no foundation for it. The last we saw of James, he was humiliating his son in front of the entire team and, had it not been for Beard (whom James later tried to murder, let's not forget), would have assaulted him. Since then, while we hadn't seen James, we'd heard a story of him: Jamie tells us that when he was 14, James facilitated his rape via a prostitute in a foreign country, which traumatized Jamie so badly that he doesn't even remember the encounter.

To say nothing of the other things we've learned and seen:

Throwing a boot at Jamie's head

Laying into him for having the audacity to score merely the winning assist rather than the winning goal

Constantly calling Jamie soft if he didn't dominate, thereby forcing Jamie to put up walls to protect himself

Impregnating Georgie when she was 16 (let's really hope it was a short relationship because oh wait, the age of consent in England is 16 so if they were in a relationship any earlier, James would be a statutory rapist twice over)

Abandoning her and Jamie shortly after Jamie was born

Many many more things we're not privy to

James is a piece of shit, to put it mildly. That's what they told and showed us throughout the first 33 episodes of the show. The incident at Wembley, and James in general, hadn't so much as been mentioned since it happened, not even in the episode in which they played Man City, let alone hints that James suddenly had a come-to-jesus moment.

Then we get to 3x11, and Jamie is having an identity crisis and two near-panic attacks — one of which causes him to faint — because he's spent half his life doing what he did out of anger at his father and to prove himself, and he now has to face what happens when those motivators are no longer there.

He goes to his mother for comfort and advice, which she gives to him, and it's great advice! She tells him that he's an amazing person, that his worth isn't derived from his father, and that James isn't going to change so Jamie shouldn't be torturing himself with hope. All of that coincides with everything we'd seen up until then, and is headed for a sad but important message: sometimes people don't change. Sometimes people won't love you or give you their approval. Sometimes you do need to cut ties with someone, even if that someone is your parent. It's okay to not forgive them or come to a nice rosy conclusion with them, and that you can move on without doing so.

And what does the show do? It has Ted — Ted who is projecting like hell, Ted who thinks every parental situation is the same, Ted who has absolutely no business butting in on something like this, Ted who has already given Jamie shitty advice before — telling him to "just forgive him." Which not only sets Jamie up for falling right back into James's abusive cycle but completely obliterates what Jamie's mother said. Instead of her experience and relevance leading to good advice, the show tells us she was wrong and heartless, that Ted is the one to listen to. Additionally, it tells us that Jamie can't be his best self unless he forgives and reconnects with James.

(Ted also frames this as Jamie letting go of his anger. Which is a rather strange thing to be a lightbulb moment for Jamie, considering that wasn't his problem. He himself said earlier in the episode that he feels so lost because he doesn't have that anger — he has indifference. Jamie didn't need a releasing of anger or forgiveness for his dad, he just needed clarity and guidance.)

Then, it shows us James in rehab. To which I say: since fucking when??? What had we seen or heard from James that would ever indicate he'd go to rehab? Worse, it shows us James nearly crying with pride and love for Jamie (oh, can't forget Denbo and Bug either and their "His dad would've been proud" nonsense). Since fucking when??? James has NEVER shown pride or love for Jamie. Jamie has only ever been a source of clout for him. FFS, he gleefully cheered against him at Wembley!

To say nothing of the fact that James's alcoholism was a symptom, not the disease. Alcoholism doesn't make you the sort of person to do all of the horrific things James did. It may have made things worse, but it didn't cause him to do them and getting clean doesn't magically make him into a good person as the show implies.

All of which I still would've hated but could have probably accepted, were it not for the text. Fine, have Jamie forgive him (ugh). Fine, have James in rehab (maybe I'll pretend it was court-mandated).

But then they have Jamie — Jamie who doesn't even know James is in rehab, the last memory he has is of 2x08 — actually reconnect. They even show that he's deleted the quotes he used to have around James's name in his phone. Jamie says it's "been awhile," that he hopes he's okay, and smiles after sending it. The implication being that he and James will reconcile and perpetuate the bullshit that family is family no matter how abusive they are and you can't not keep ties. What the fuck. Jamie should not have to do that, and the SHOW certainly should not present that message.

It's harmful, repulsive, puts Jamie in harm's way, and I really fucking hate it.

[grungeeuvu]

A through Z (minus the ones you've already answered)

A - Ships that you currently like a lot. (They don’t have to be OTPs because not everyone has OTPs.) Friendships, pairings, threesomes, etc. are allowed.

My favourite ship at the moment is FengQing (Feng Xin X Mu Qing from TGCF) and I am constantly talking @astrowaffles 's ear off about them. Platonically, I'm always mentally ill about the Shiratorizawa team and how they all support each other. Family-wise, I can't get Shen Twin aus out of my head

B - A pairing–platonic, romantic or sexual–that you initially didn’t consider, but someone changed your mind.

Yaku and Suga from Haikyuu, both platonic and romantic :) I think either way would be really sweet and funny

C - A ship you have never liked and probably never will.

Shiragoshi. I see no appeal in it for either of them and it kinda just gives me the ick

D - A pairing you wish you liked but just can’t.

Anything with Karasuno first years that aren't the stereotypical main ships except maybe Yamahina. Idk I just feel like Tsuki x either of the volleyball idiots would go terribly and someone would end up getting hurt.

Also, Yachi is very much a lesbian to me and I'm taking that to the grave 🫡

Also, kawagata doesn't click with me. I prefer reongata, since they're both third years and at least had dialogue with each other

For a non Haikyuu pairing, I've got to say giyushino or shinogiyu - I don't know if it's hinted canon or just widely popular but I really can't care for it. I don't hate it, I just have no interest

E - Have you added anything cracky/hilarious to your fandom? If so, what?

I haven't altered the fandom with it but I made #RichPrinceFuckerVirgil a trend with my friends back in 2019

G - Have you ever had an OTP? If so, do you remember your first one? Who was in it?

The timeline gets a bit confuddled here but my first otp was either prinxiety (Roman X Virgil from Sanders Sides) or klance (Keith X Lance from VLD)

I - Has Tumblr caused you to stop liking any fandoms, if so, which and why?

I scoped out the Skulduggery Pleasant fandom and I'm not planning on going back (which sucks because the books are amazing)

K - What character has your favorite development arc/the best development arc?

Either Zuko, Tsukki, Mu Qing, or Ming Fan (can you tell I'm a fan of grouchy people with the ability to do good?)

L - Say something genuinely nice about a character who isn’t one of your faves. (Characters you’re neutral about are fair game, as are characters you merely dislike. Characters that you absolutely loathe with the fire of ten thousand suns are exempt, as there is no point in giving yourself an aneurysm over a character that you hate.)

As someone very neutral over Asahi, I really have to say that he is portrayed as the ace amazingly. Even though he isn't the main character and can't score all the epic points, he's still an inherently powerful force and you always trust in him when the ball goes his way, as this viewer.

M - Name a character that you’d like to have for a friend.

Feng Xin :)

N - Name three things you wish you saw more or in your main fandom (or a fandom of choice).

Reincarnation fics (TGCF)

Multi-chap AU fics (Haikyuu)

ObaMitsu content (KNY)

O - Choose a song at random. Which ship or character does it remind you of?

The song "Black Sheep" by Gin Wigmore reminds me of Hua Cheng/TGCF calamities :))

P - Invent a random AU for any fandom (we always need more ideas).

Sendai Frogs as a forced together bounty hunting crew in a space au that becomes found family 💪

Q - A fandom you’ve abandoned and why.

DSMP/MCYT - after Technoblade sadly passed away and then the finale was handled so clumsily, I just couldn't bother with it anymore. However, I still watch a lot of those YouTubers today, like Tommyinnit and Jack Manifold :)

R - Which friendship/platonic relationship is your favorite in fandom?

Shiratorizawa Third Years for the win!!!!

@/baguantte has an AMAZING piece of fanart for all of them which I regularly return to look at :))

S - Show us an example of your personal headcanon (prompts optional but encouraged)

Shen Yuan was chronically ill before he transmigrated and he died not just due to choking but because a seizure happened during his rage-eating. We know he's an unreliable narrator, hence why he never mentions this - he hated being ill and felt ashamed by it, so he never wants to think about it now he's no longer sick.

A prompt for this could be Shen Qingqui gets wife plotted and the consequence is far too similar to how he lived his old life that he keeps nearly breaking over it. Could lead to an identity reveal or just some good ol' hurt/comfort

T - Do you have any hard and fast headcanons that you will die defending? 

Yamagata has clinical depression. Idrk where this came from but it's something I very much stand by and have lots of interlocking ideas with so, yeah, no one is changing my mind on that.

U - Three favorite characters from three different fandoms, and why they’re your favorites.

Mu Qing (TGCF/Heaven Official's Blessing) - he's my favourite because of his complicated character. He says negative things, the rumours about him is how he is cold and unkind, yet we see his actions and behaviour portrayed very differently. He's a truly complicated guy.

Goshiki Tsutomu (Haikyuu) - I've written an essay on him which I now cannot find??? I'll have to fish it out but basically he's a really well written character whom performs so hard despite the anxiety he's visibly under being in such an infamous team

Shen Yuan (SVSSS/Scum Villain's Self Saving System) - he's a nerd who died and is now a hot guy but has the nerve to complain about it, he's just like me and I love that.

V - Which character do you relate to the most?

It sounds dramatic and emo as fuck, but Mu Qing. I just get him on a very deep level.

W - A trope which you are virtually certain to hate in any fandom.

Major Character Death or just Character Death in general - I always find it very cheap or unfulfilling. To get me on board with Major Character Death takes a LOT

X - A trope which you are almost certain to love in any fandom.

The Girlboss X Malewife ship - I don't mind the genders, I don't care for dynamics... if that ship is in there, it's likely to be my favourite!! See FengQing and KyouHaba for reference lol

Y - What are your secondhand fandoms (i.e., fandoms you aren’t in personally but are tangentially familiar with because your friends/people on your dash are in them)?

Bnha, Bungo Stray Dogs and a bit of Mob Psycho

Z - Just ramble about something fan-related, go go go! (Prompts optional but encouraged.)

AHHHHH OKAY UHHH I accidentally got my mother into not just Haikyuu and Demon Slayer but also TGCF?? We've been watching The Untamed together too - she really wants me to read her manga series Boys Over Flowers and I've been meaning to haha

[hearteyesmcgarrett]

is it weird to just answer the ask meme questions without actual asks? probably, but i want to yell about fandom shit rn so you can't stop me

A - Ships that you currently like a lot. its obvious that im in a grimm fixation rn, so i have to say nick/monroe as a romantic ship (or nick/monroe/rosalee), and the whole gang as a platonic relationship. For SGA, i'm always a mcshep fan but i honestly enjoy any pairing of AR1. Anyone that has followed me for an extended period of time knows that im a mcdanno (H50) and leverage ot3 truther as well.

B - A pairing–platonic, romantic or sexual–that you initially didn’t consider, but someone changed your mind. hmm, not sure? OH some folks doing the sga kinkmeme have mentioned john/cam and im very intrigued

C - A ship you have never liked and probably never will. Rodney/Jennifer :( I love Jennifer, but the writers consistently changed her characterization and that relationship felt forced and weird (SGA)

D - A pairing you wish you liked but just can’t. John/Elizabeth. I'm sorry! maybe its just because im gay af but to me their relationship felt like bffs, not romantic (SGA)

E - Have you added anything cracky/hilarious to your fandom? If so, what? I made that stargate cinnamon roll meme, if that counts

F - What’s the longest you’ve ever been in a fandom? ~10 years

G - Have you ever had an OTP? If so, do you remember your first one? Who was in it? i'm a multishipper for sure, but one of the first ships i remember really clearly was eric/ryan from csi miami (circa age like 12)

H - What is your favorite source text for fandom stuff (e.g., TV shows, movies, books, anime, Western animation, etc.)? TV!

I - Has Tumblr caused you to stop liking any fandoms, if so, which and why? I dont know that it was entirely tumblr, but yeah, Voltron. The fandom was truly fucking awful

J - Name a fandom you didn’t think about until you saw it all over Tumblr. (You don’t have to care about it or follow it; it just has to be something that Tumblr made you aware of.) uhhhh, like every show tbh. 99% of the shows i watch came from tumblr or online friends

K - What character has your favorite development arc/the best development arc? Eliot Spencer (Leverage)

L - Say something genuinely nice about a character who isn’t one of your faves. hmm, I guess Adalind counts as a character who isnt one of my faves. She's a complex and interesting character, and its clear that a lot of her decisions come from a place of trauma. After having Diana it really shows that she does want to protect her and keep her safe (grimm)

M - Name a character that you’d like to have for a friend. Ronon (SGA), Hardison (Leverage), Teal'c (SG1), etc

N - Name three things you wish you saw more or in your main fandom 1. men showing emotions!!! (grimm does this well, thankfully) 2. on a similar note: depicting how the shit these characters get up to is traumatizing and how that impacts them long term 3. literally any canon queer rep. can we PLEASE have a show like stargate or grimm where one of the characters (especially a man) is canonically queer? is that so hard???

O - Choose a song at random. Which ship or character does it remind you of? Forfeit by Rise Against always makes me think of ascended Daniel/Jack (SG1). Oh and ever since i saw a gifset with lyrics from it, Timberwolves at New Jersey by Taking Back Sunday makes me think of John (SGA)

P - Invent a random AU for any fandom (we always need more ideas). one of these fuckin days i am going to write a baseball SGA AU

Q - A fandom you’ve abandoned and why. As previously mentioned: Voltron because the fan base was toxic and awful

R - Which friendship/platonic relationship is your favorite in fandom? all my favorite fandoms are themed around found family so this is so hard lmao. Nick & Hank (Grimm), Eliot & Harry (Leverage Redemption), Harry & Breanna (LR), Don & Charlie if brothers count (Numb3rs), etc

S - Show us an example of your personal headcanon anyone who reads my H50 fics knows that i will fuckin die on the hill that Danny has an anxiety disorder

T - Do you have any hard and fast headcanons that you will die defending?  besides anxious danny, I'd say John having ADHD (SGA), and Monroe being bi (Grimm) are two right off the top of my head

U - Three favorite characters from three different fandoms, and why they’re your favorites 1. Steve McGarrett (H50) - he's been through so much shit, but he's still so damn loyal and protective and kind. He's such a good dude who is just traumatized beyond belief. 2. Charlie Eppes (Numb3rs) - besides the fact that i am CONVINCED he has ADHD, he's just so fucking loving and passionate about his work and the people he loves. he balances out the hardness of Don and the gang with the sheer size of his heart 3. Eliot Spencer (Leverage) - basically the same reason as steve. I have a type.

V - Which character do you relate to most? this is tough. probably Daniel (SG1) - esp early seasons - because of similar worldviews and interests and personalities, and Danny (H50) because of similar personalities

W - A trope which you are virtually certain to hate in any fandom. MISCOMMUNICATION!! its so frustrating.

X - A trope which you are almost certain to love in any fandom. im a big ol softie so i love stuff like mutual pining, hurt/comfort, etc.

Y - What are your secondhand fandoms Good Omens is a big one rn lmao. I've read the book but haven't watched the show. Also, Daredevil probably. I watched at least the first season years ago, but haven't seen anything beyond that. I still enjoy seeing people's posts about it and i read fic sometimes

Z - Just ramble about something fan-related, go go go! im so cranky rn about the lack of depiction of trauma/mental illness/neurodivergence/etc in fandoms where its to be expected. like with Grimm rn, you give Nick PTSD and sensory enhancements but then suddenly forget about them?? that's not how that works! Or why is it always just hinted at that characters are ND? why is it so hard to just be like 'yeah no x has ADHD (or whatever)'? i want to be able to actually have complex/tough/interesting/etc protags that are ALSO neurodiverse. if we're all reading John as having ADHD (SGA) or Parker being autistic (leverage) anyways, why can't these things just be intentionally part of the character

[misssakuramochi]

greetings and salutations, hope I don’t bother you too much by sending in such a random ask. may I please have a romantic matchup for bg3?

I use they/them pronouns and I’m pansexual. my myers briggs type is INFJ and my star sign is taurus.

Im about 4’11..not to happy about it. I’m kind of introverted, and can be considered not a people person. I find life a little nihilistic. I’m into dressing in all black (trad, mopey, mall, black-metal, and hippie goth styles mainly, both fem and masc) or and taking a liking to gruesome and morbid things like slashers, analog horror, witchcraft, true crime, necromancy, anatomy, etc. I typically consider myself a "gorehound" ig. I participate in "Vulture Culture"; and I also like to visit abandoned places just for fun, along with playing quite a few escape rooms. I just have a genuine comfort in the uncomfortable.

I’ve come to the conclusion I just scare people off. In reality, I’m intimidated by everyone around me and find it hard to start talking, which may or may not come off as rude to people.

when I become comfortable with someone I start to become really sarcastic and joke around with them with witty banter. most of my humor comes off really insulting, and I’m brutally honest, but I’ll apologize and say it’s a joke or I didn’t mean it if it becomes a problem. even though I do have a hard time understanding social cues.

lots of people don’t like me or stay away from me because of my rude behavior. I’m not good with overly sensitive or overly annoying people at all because of that, and I can’t stand kids. Idiocy can get on my nerves too sometimes. I’m a huge animal person though, and I own four guinea pigs that I protect with my life. I have my moments where I can get really feisty, or very quiet and closed off. I’ve been told I’m also a laidback person. I’ve also been told I never know when to quit, and I find I hold grudges for certain things. It’s not as common now but I used to get called a vampire by other kids when I was younger since I had oddly pointy canine teeth. I find it funny, seeing how I am today. I also have an inside joke with my family where they call me "Irl Daria" which I find funny.

I’m the type of person that has lots of opinions on things but I keep them to myself and bottle them up. If pushed far enough I’ll become unforgiving, and aggressive. especially with the types mentioned above.

I find the most comfort in just being in my room drawing, listening to music ( the cure, pierce the veil, deftones, soad, cannibal corpse, slipknot, rob zombie,,,, sometimes radiohead, insane clown posse, jazmin bean or mother mother, etc. ), or even occasionally playing video games, reading, writing, or talking about a random conspiracy theory I have. I do acting in my spare time as a small hobby too, and I’m learning how to play electric guitar. I also work as a scare actor.

I’m a plushie maniac and when I fall asleep you can always see me cuddled up to one of them. I find it because I’m really touch starved. I also have this specific blanket I can literally not sleep without. Im also a caffeine addict, and I’m guilty of being very submissive and maybe even masochistic- and a bit of a pyromaniac. I dissociate or daydream a lot, so you can often catch me starring.

I suffer from a handful off mental and physical syndromes like asd, insomnia, asthma, depression and anxiety. These have all been diagnosed professionally, and I’m definitely not trying to make myself "quirky". unfortunately health problems run in my family.

I’m very fidgety, and often bite the inside of my cheek or bounce my leg rapidly. you don’t need to rocmantasize this stuff ofc, but I think it’s good to know so the person can tolerate me.

you do get to this, thanks for your time. <3

I match you with...

KARLACH

○ The thing that makes your relationship with Karlach so strong is that you two have amazing communication. No social cues? No problem. She's not subtle. By which I mean she very directly tells you what she's thinking and leaves little to no room for misunderstanding. You're able to be honest with her as well, and working through your problems becomes as easy as talking it out when anything comes up.

○ Both of you are extremely determined. While you can but heads at times it's only ever you both trying to do what's best and you can usually talk out your differences. Once you have and you're on the same page the two of you are an unstoppable force once your minds are set

○ Though for different reasons Karlach also is a big fidgeter. She never minds she's very open minded and understanding that your mental health sometimes comes first, as well as to the fact that you may have alternative mental health related needs - ones she's always happy to try to fulfill. Open minded to mental health, she's the most understanding rock you could ask for

○ Debates are common. You have a lot of opinions and Karlach is super open about hers. Hearing each others perspectives is interesting and you both learn to be more open minded to others thoughts because of each other

HEADCANONS

○ Karlach takes interest in you from the beginning. She tries to get to know you, but, rather intimidated by her, you at first give her the impression you don't like her!! When someone (Shadowheart probably) tells her you're just shy, she makes it her MISSION to warm you up. It works. The first time she makes you laugh she gets so excited she sets something on fire.

○ Karlach likes to pick you up. You're so tiny and cute she can't help but wanna throw you around a little you know? You're not the biggest fan at first but being effortlessly lifted and swung in circles by an excited Karlach is actually cute and kinda fun. You warm up to it

○ Karlach is so careful with your things, especially your blanket. She knows she cam be rough and understands how important your special things are to you. When you first share your blanket with her to sleep with she is so excited she shares it with you even though she doesn't really need it.

○ Karlach is a big cuddler and ehike it makes you feel awkward at first, as you get used to being touched it makes you feel more and more loved. Though it's usually something small like.hding hands or placing a hand on your.leg, Karlach is usually touching you somehow whenever you'll allow

[atlasgoodwin]

Fandom meme by @/gehayi

A - Ships that you currently like a lot. (They don’t have to be OTPs because not everyone has OTPs.) Friendships, pairings, threesomes, etc. are allowed.

I have a lot of them, but right now, my main romantics ships are AsoRyuu (TGAA), Edeleth (FE3H) and Amy/Virginia (CC)

B - A pairing–platonic, romantic or sexual–that you initially didn’t consider, but someone changed your mind.

My friends changed my mind on many things over the years, but I don't remember the ships :(

C - A ship you have never liked and probably never will.

Russell and Amy from Criminal Case

D - A pairing you wish you liked but just can’t.

Most of the ships that I don't like are like popular ships from fandoms, for example, in Fairy Tail, I really don't like the main ship Nalu, but I wish I did

E - Have you added anything cracky/hilarious to your fandom? If so, what?

Yes, I made some wonderful masterpieces there and there- But for real, when I'm inspired, I love making shitpost stuff

F - What’s the longest you’ve ever been in a fandom?

I have been in the Criminal Case fandom for 7 years and it's still going let's goooooo

G - Have you ever had an OTP? If so, do you remember your first one? Who was in it?

My first OTP was Luigi/Daisy and to this day, I love them so so so so much <3

H - What is your favorite source text for fandom stuff (e.g., TV shows, movies, books, anime, Western animation, etc.)?

A little bit of everything to be honest, it depends on how I am feeling, but it's mostly video games, western animation and anime

I - Has Tumblr caused you to stop liking any fandoms, if so, which and why?

Not Tumblr, but Twitter did multiple times :/ One example being Super Smash Brothers and if you know... you know rip

J - Name a fandom you didn’t think about until you saw it all over Tumblr. (You don’t have to care about it or follow it; it just has to be something that Tumblr made you aware of.)

I guess Good Omens(?), is that the name? I have no clue what it is, but I know it exists because of Tumblr

K - What character has your favorite development arc/the best development arc?

Stealing my friend Katrina's answer by saying Amy Young from Criminal Case, she went through some insane character development in one district and girl, I feel so bad for you :(

L - Say something genuinely nice about a character who isn’t one of your faves. (Characters you’re neutral about are fair game, as are characters you merely dislike. Characters that you absolutely loathe with the fire of ten thousand suns are exempt, as there is no point in giving yourself an aneurysm over a character that you hate.)

Okay, I don't like Jones (Criminal Case) as much, but I can say that he had an amazing character development in Season 5, I was actually interested to see him grow as a character, even tho I am not a fan of him

M - Name a character that you’d like to have for a friend.

I would love to be friends with Marceline from Adventure Time, she is such a chill person, I wish to be her

N - Name three things you wish you saw more or in your main fandom (or a fandom of choice).

Criminal Case: - More fanarts (that is not of the main characters, like suspects, killers or victims)

-More shitpost memes

-More fanfics (Of characters that I care about- even that, just overall)

O - Choose a song at random. Which ship or character does it remind you of?

Monster from Imagine Dragons AND Skillet reminds me of one of my favorite Criminal Case characters, Duncan Young

P - Invent a random AU for any fandom (we always need more ideas).

I have many AUs in mind, but it would be interesting to see a Victim and Killer switch to see how it would plan out and the different motives!

Q - A fandom you’ve abandoned and why.

The first one that came to mind is Hetalia and it's literally because of Homestuck lmao, I got more interesting in Homestuck so I gave up on the Hetalia fandom

R - Which friendship/platonic relationship is your favorite in fandom?

(Total Drama) I do not ship romantically Cody and Sierra at all, but I really love them platonically, it has so much potential to be an amazing platonic ship, until All Stars happened,,,

S - Show us an example of your personal headcanon (prompts optional but encouraged)

I need to do a list of headcanons for my favs, because right now, I have NOTHING in mind D:

T - Do you have any hard and fast headcanons that you will die defending? 

idk rip

U - Three favorite characters from three different fandoms, and why they’re your favorites.

Tess Goodwin (Criminal Case) - She is so intriguing as a character, at first, I didn't like her (that was like 9 years ago lol) but became so attached to her and I have a massive crush on her,,, I also love to analyze her so much

Kazuma Asogi (The Great Ace Attorney) - Wonderful well written character that I got attached to quickly, I won't spoil TGAA, but the only time I cried in TGAA was because of him aofbwoifbwos

Edelgard Von Hresvelg (Fire Emblem Three Houses) - She is a mixed feeling in the fandom, but I cannot stop thinking about her. Like Kazuma, so well written!! Love her design, love her personality and she is so fun to analyze!!

V - Which character do you relate to most?

Ivy (Carmen Sandiego 2019) physically and personality wise, I have a lot in common :)

W - A trope which you are virtually certain to hate in any fandom.

hmmmmmmmm

X - A trope which you are almost certain to love in any fandom.

hMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

Y - What are your secondhand fandoms (i.e., fandoms you aren’t in personally but are tangentially familiar with because your friends/people on your dash are in them)?

The only one that comes to mind is Star Trek (Thanks Katrina), because I know the other fandoms very well sdoibgfobgoer

Z - Just ramble about something fan-related, go go go! (Prompts optional but encouraged.)

I love fanart so goddamn much, I don't care if it's not for me, I still love love love LOVE IT so much!! People are so talented, it's insane and I wish they could share their passion and motivation with me please i am desperate ;o; oadbfoiwebigfwer

[missunderstoodinsanity]

This  isn’t going to be easy to type, considering the amount of time we have spent together the last 6 years 2 months and 5 days. The day you came into my life you were dressed to perfection with your confidence and influencing ways. You spoke to me so subtly though I could relate immensely to you. It was a conversation I had never experienced before in my life. Something so authentic and personal and you were there and you listened to me and I fit into you so perfectly like you were made for me; but, the thing is, you were made from me.

For so long I have thought that who I was, was you, Borderline Personality Disorder,or BPD. You convinced me I was so much like you that night I first heard your name. You were spoken through the mouths of Wynona Ryder and Angelina Jolie starring in Girl Interrupted. I knew I belonged with you the moment my fingers went straight for my phone to type in your deffinition in the DSM5. You were laid out so vulnerably on the table, like a buffet, each dish representing a different part of you. I laid there thinking about trying each bite of you out. Starting with the Unstable Relationships and moving my way through the self destructive behaviors. I wanted a big ole whoppin scoop of fearing abandonment and for desert I wanted to try out the Explosive anger. It was like each bite I took, I was eating my own flesh. It was me, it was my body laid out there. You were so beautiful and you made sense which for me in this world is all I need to happen. For something to make sense. I felt like I made sense.

You had me at hello. But you drove me to goodbye. We spent countless relationships self destructing it. Not you, I mean me. Accusing you of unimaginable things, out of this world things, so fucked up I HAVE SEEN IT things. I was crazy but I feared loosing you. Without you I could not exist. You gave my life meaning and purpose. As long as I acted how I was written, then I was a piece to the puzzle. I wasnt a piece, I was the whole puzzle.

You had me believing I was the whole puzzle. I wasn’t even a piece to you. I was that lonesome vacant hole right in the middle. A hole surrounded by 999 people, supposedly just like me. It was a cult, really. We all worshiped you and looked up to you for guidence but all you ever did for me was push the people that were closest to me away and filled me with a lifetime supply of anger and jealousy. You restrained me and held me hostage against myself, I couldn’t be MYSELF because you were strict on how I had to act. My chameleon personality I soon began to think was what triggered the light in me.

I am leaving you, BPD. You and I are not the same. You have no more control over my life. The cutting has got to stop because I am so beautiful, why am I ruining my skin? My outer shell, I tattoo to hide the scars but they are still there, underneath, peaking through and staring at me reminding me of what you influenced me to do. I will admit, I had the choice…You were so convincing though. My communication with my loved ones will no longer be a tangled phone chord from the 70s. A true and genuine connection will hopefully be received on both ends.

I am tired of hurting people and to be honest, I don’t need another roomate. Pack your behaviors and jump off a cliff, like HE did.

The only reason I am leaving you this letter is so I can put you in the past and consider you a “learning experience”. II will never truly be healed from the scars you left, but that is okay because when I see them, I will no longer feel your guilt. No more games, BPD, please stay away

[edoro]

I think you already talked about this topic (possibility of the wittebane brothers being trans (one and/or both) and how that might tie into philip's manipulation?

(also apologies for the length. if you choose not to read or respond because of it no worries! hope you're having a good day, and if not, I hope the future days treat you well. Also I love how much you put into the analyses you do!! they're all really great!)

BUT I've seen you mention either one or both of the wittebane brothers being trans and especially considering what time period they were from, they probably wouldn't be able to tell many people.

Do you think that if they were both trans that would add to their codependent (at least from philip's side anyways) relationship? After all that would be a pretty big secret that they would have to keep between them lest they risk the wrong people learning about it. Would philip see it as another part of their bond of "we're very different from other people and they wouldn't understand"?

It'd be such a change in the boiling isles where transphobia doesn't exist. I could see philip still using their transness as a way of manipulating his brother into only trusting him, and with a life time (which would be longer for philip's older brother) of keeping this secret entirely to themselves learning to open up/not care about whether people know would be a long process.

Would their shared secret of transness impact other aspects too? if either of them got sick or injured, would they prefer to depend on each other to avoid the potential risk of other people learning the secret? would philip use that dependence (only we can heal each other or else we might get captured and/or hurt) in more ways to keep his brother close? Would his brother keep falling/believing it because it's something they had to do for survival, or would he find relief knowing that can ask other people for help and not put all the responsibility on philip?

Do you think part of why philip's brother drifted away was because he felt responsible and guilty for being the eldest in the situation where he should have realized that he was creating an unbalanced/codependant relationship? if philip learned of this (if it were true) do you think he'd use that guilt as another tool of manipulation? a sort of "you made me like this, and it'd be even more cruel for you to abandon me" scenario?

hi anon it has been ONE HUNDRED YEARS since you sent me this and i keep going "man i want to answer this but i need to sit down and really give it a good chunk of my time and attention" and then, uh, not being able to do that, so, THAT IS WHY it has taken me so long to answer this really excellent ask

but i am doing it now!!

Do you think that if they were both trans that would add to their codependent (at least from philip's side anyways) relationship? After all that would be a pretty big secret that they would have to keep between them lest they risk the wrong people learning about it. Would philip see it as another part of their bond of "we're very different from other people and they wouldn't understand"?

I definitely do think it would add to their codependence! And to be quite honest, i think Caleb very much contributed to and participated in that aspect of their relationship. I find the “pure cinnamon roll” interpretation of Caleb that’s gaining popularity in the fandom to be a bit two-dimensional and boring - it’s funny for jokes and shitposts and all but as a genuine interpretation of the character it’s just very reductive. And also i just really don’t think you get a Philip in a family without the other family members also being at least a little bit fucked up. People aren’t just born bad, they grow that way.

The very specific self-indulgent headcanon scenario that i have is that Philip is transmasc and Caleb is transfem, and at some point in their teens they both came out to each other and traded genders essentially, and it very much formed part of the basis of their codependence - they saw each other as having been made for each other this way, like God had created them both with a wrong piece that belonged to the other, so they were always meant to be together and share this secret and share this part of themselves.

And yeah like - even if they both could have ‘passed’ enough to not be subject to violence or scrutiny about it, everyone knew them in their tiny little colonial town! Their only option would have been to pack up and move somewhere else entirely and start their lives all over (which is also interesting to consider if maybe they did do that, but i like to think that’s what the Boiling Isles was, especially for Caleb.) so the only time they can ever truly express themselves or be seen as who they are is when they’re alone together.

Very “only we can ever understand each other, only we can truly know each other, we were meant to be together forever and have this deep spiritual bond ordained by God himself” kind of vibes.

It'd be such a change in the boiling isles where transphobia doesn't exist. I could see philip still using their transness as a way of manipulating his brother into only trusting him, and with a life time (which would be longer for philip's older brother) of keeping this secret entirely to themselves learning to open up/not care about whether people know would be a long process.

And yeah it’s so interesting to think about in the Boiling Isles! It would be such an adjustment. I think honestly that - well i’ve seen people suggesting that Caleb may have actually gone to the Isles ahead of Philip and they were separated for a while, which is an idea i’ve played with myself, but i’m not 100% sure of what the canon intention was there… but either way, it would be very different from what they were used to.

I definitely think they’d have a habit of secrecy. They spent so long having to depend solely on each other, not being able to share this with anyone else. They sort of reverse engineered the entire concept of transness from their own understanding of themselves and each other, and they had no one else, no other community, no access to any awareness that this was even a thing any other human being on this earth had ever felt - and now suddenly they’re in a realm where it’s known and normal and accepted, there are words for it, there’s history and literature and art and clubs and social groups and (magical) medical treatments and (magical) surgeries and (magical) hormones and etc etc.

Would their shared secret of transness impact other aspects too? if either of them got sick or injured, would they prefer to depend on each other to avoid the potential risk of other people learning the secret? would philip use that dependence (only we can heal each other or else we might get captured and/or hurt) in more ways to keep his brother close? Would his brother keep falling/believing it because it's something they had to do for survival, or would he find relief knowing that can ask other people for help and not put all the responsibility on philip?

I can definitely see that! Yeah like… especially if in the Boiling Isles they’re presenting as their genders vs their agabs, then i can see like… even if they get that this is more acceptable here, there’s still that kneejerk urge to hide it, to be as secretive as possible, to ‘blend in’, still the expectation of violence and ostracism if they’re ‘caught out’. 

I definitely think that it was a locus of control for Philip. And i think part of his resentment of the Isles was that it took that method of control over Caleb away from him. Suddenly they’re in a place where it’s not true that they’re the only ones who know or accept each other. Suddenly Caleb has options. Suddenly Philip isn’t the only source of love or comfort or understanding in Caleb’s life, and he just can’t fucking stand that.

I definitely think it would be a relief for Caleb though. Like… i tend to imagine that Caleb was very like… Caleb definitely contributed to the codependence, definitely babied and coddled and enabled Philip, but also really wanted the best for Philip and was drowning in so much stress and fear and uncertainty and this sense of being responsible for everything, so being in the Boiling Isles must have felt like a breath of fresh air. And i think Caleb thought or hoped that Philip would feel that relief too, that Philip would be able to sort of bloom and branch out and become a different, better, happier person in a world where they didn’t just have to rely on each other.

Unfortunately for Caleb, Philip did not want to do that, and so…

Do you think part of why philip's brother drifted away was because he felt responsible and guilty for being the eldest in the situation where he should have realized that he was creating an unbalanced/codependant relationship? if philip learned of this (if it were true) do you think he'd use that guilt as another tool of manipulation? a sort of "you made me like this, and it'd be even more cruel for you to abandon me" scenario?

There’s actually an extremely good fic on ao3 (also on my list of ones to leave a comment on when my brain is working) that kind of gets into this dynamic! (warnings on the fic for several varieties of incest and implied/discussed but not outright shown csa + cocsa)

Personally i really like this interpretation of it. I think that fits what we see of Philip’s character very well. There’s clearly a deep, deep well of resentment towards Caleb there, who knows exactly for what - being older, being the golden child, being someone who Philip needs - and i think that “you made me this way and now you’re leaving me because you’ve changed your mind” would just really fit. It would be such a painful rejection for Philip, even though ultimately necessary and healthier for both of them than continuing the codependence.

It’s interesting to consider the question of Caleb’s guilt and level of awareness of how fucked the dynamic was and like… what amount of personal responsibility Caleb bears for it? Personally i tend to imagine Caleb as a person who takes on a really unhealthy and dysfunctional level of responsibility, like, feeling just totally responsible for how fucked up Philip is, for instance.. Having just borne the entire weight of the household and of raising and caring for and protecting Philip…

So it would be really hard for Caleb to separate from him, but ultimately yeah like, i think Caleb would see it as like, ‘for his own good.’ this isn’t healthy, it isn’t good for either of them, it’s not helping Philip, and here in this realm they can both find people who love and care for and support them, they can both be accepted, they don’t have to just rely on each other - i think that would be a huge relief to Caleb, both in terms of removing a ton of stress and also in terms of like, feeling like a damaging and unhealthy presence in Philip’s life that can now be removed with minimal pain.

But of course Philip just sees that as rejection, and tries to manipulate Caleb into staying with him, and then when that doesn’t work (not even ‘doesn’t work’, bc Caleb was so clearly ready to welcome Philip with open arms) he just goes for murder. Oops! 

It’s just such a tragedy all around.

[engie-ivy]

Remus is quite smitten with the new guy he's been dating, but as he clearly can't have nice things, he completely ruins it and now he can only wait for Sirius Black to break up with him. Sirius Black has a different interpretation.

“I called your father an ignorant idiot who should shove his prejudiced opinions up his arse!”

Sirius frowns, like he doesn’t understand why Remus would consider that an issue. “My father is an ignorant idiot who should shove his prejudiced opinions up his arse.”

Far from the tree

To: Lily Evans

Lily, my time has come. Please remember me fondly.

Dramatic much, Lupin?

No, Lily. My life is genuinely over.

Okay, spill. How so?

Remember that guy I’ve been dating?

Mmm, let me think. The tall, fit one with the long, soft, dark hair, pretty eyes and broad shoulders, whom you’ve told me about approximately ten thousand times a day?

Yeah, I believe that does ring a bell.

Well, you can forget about him again.

He’s on his way over here to dump me as we speak.

What? No! Why?

I met his parents yesterday...

Remmie! That’s a huge step!

I didn’t know things were so serious between you two?

Things were seriously serious with Sirius!

Ah, but I gather from your first message it didn’t go very well?

It didn’t.

Oh, Remmie, you’re probably being too hard on yourself.

It’s always stressful to meet the parents. I’m sure they’ll understand if you were a bit awkward.

I called his father a narrow-minded bonehead whose imbecile opinions belong in the Middle Ages.

...

Yeah. Yeah, okay. That’s... That’s bad.

Remus, why?!

Because apparently I’m an idiot who has a good thing going and just has to find a way to ruin it for himself.

What did he say?

He drove me home and it was so awkward...

I was so embarrassed for causing such a scene at his bloody parents house, I fled inside as fast as I could, without really speaking to him (yes, I admit, I’m a coward).

I texted you right after I got a message from him just now, saying he’s on his way over, because ‘he needs to talk to me’...

Yikes.

Okay. Okay, maybe... If his family really is so narrow-minded, maybe you dogged the bullet?

He seems nothing like them, though. I really can’t believe those people raised him.

Well, you wouldn’t say me and my sister were raised by the same people, so I guess strange things happen.

But Remus,

Know that if he breaks up with you because you don’t get along with his stupid parents, he doesn’t deserve you anyway!

Normally, I’d agree. But I don’t know if that still goes when you call someone’s mother ‘a vicious old hag, whose arrogance is only equal to her stupidity’.

...

Remus!

What the hell happened there?!

Oh my God, he’s here!

These are officially my last moments of dating a way out of my league-guy.

Well, I guess it was nice as long as it lasted. Might as well get it over with.

I’m so sorry, Remus. I know you really liked this one...

Stay strong! I’ll have the chocolate ready!

With a sigh, Remus tosses his phone to the side and stands to get the door. Might as well get it over with, right?

When he opens the door to reveal Sirius, the positive thing is that Sirius doesn’t immediately begin yelling at him. He doesn’t even look all that angry, really. He just gives Remus a small, uncertain smile.

The negative thing is that Sirius looks bloody gorgeous. He’s wearing an elegant coat, with a scarf loosely draped around his long neck and his hair is hanging loose. Before today, this would definitely be considered a positive thing, but not when Remus is just minutes away from getting dumped by this ridiculously handsome man. There should really be a rule against looking this good when you’re breaking up with someone, Remus thinks bitterly as he steps aside to let Sirius in his apartment.

As Sirius unbuttons his coat to reveal a fitted shirt showing off his lean, muscular form, Remus can only conclude that he has really been fooling himself by thinking this could ever last.

He shakes his head to stop himself from ogling his soon to be-ex-boyfriend. “Would you like something to drink?” He asks, trying to sound composed.

“No thank you,” Sirius replies. “I’d rather get this off my chest immediately.”

Remus doesn’t reply and stares at his feet to brace himself for the inevitable blow.

“I suppose you know why I’m here?” Sirius asks, sounding a bit nervous.

Remus wonders vaguely if Sirius is concerned about hurting his feelings, even after his horrible behaviour of yesterday. “Yeah,” he whispers. “I do.”

Sirius takes a deep breath. “Maybe I shouldn’t have come, but I just had to at least tell you how sorry I am, even if you want nothing to do with me anymore.”

Remus just stares at him, trying to puzzle together what Sirius just said. He’s sorry... about having to break up with Remus? But shouldn’t he lead with the break up? And why would it be up to Remus to want nothing to do with him? Remus is not in a state of mind to deal with this. Can’t Sirius just dump him already?

Sirius is getting more nervous as Remus continues to just stare at him. “So I guess I just... offer you my apologies, and it’s up to you whether you want to accept them.”

“You’re apologizing?” Remus asks.

Sirius nods.

“You are apologizing to me?”

Another nod.

“You to me?”

“Yes, Remus,” Sirius says, sounding distraught. “But don’t worry, I don’t expect anything from you. I know I don’t have the right, after the situation I put you in.”

“I called your father an ignorant idiot who should shove his prejudiced opinions up his arse!”

Sirius frowns, like he doesn’t understand why Remus would consider that an issue. “My father is an ignorant idiot who should shove his prejudiced opinions up his arse.”

“No! I mean, well... yes, but I’m not supposed to say so, right?”

Sirius shrugs. “They had it coming, didn’t they? I’m not gonna make excuses for them. I was just hoping you might still want to give us a chance?”

“Your parents hate me!” Remus splutters.

Sirius lets out a laugh. “Thank God. If they’d liked you, I seriously had to reconsider our relationship.”

Remus blinks at him.

Sirius runs a hand through his hair. “Let me explain. My parents,” he speaks slowly now. “Are awful people. Like, really awful people. I shouldn’t have given in when they demanded to meet you, or I should have at least told you what they’re like. I’m so sorry I put you in that situation and exposed you to them without so much as a warning. I can understand if you hate me right now.”

“Why didn’t you warn me?” Remus asks, as he would’ve much rather been spared the anxiety he has been feeling all day.

Sirius shrugs again. “I suppose I wanted you to form you own opinion? As their son, I’m of course biased to hate them.”

Remus opens his mouth to say that is not how a parent-child relationship is supposed to work, but Sirius keeps talking.

“Look, Remus. You didn’t sign up for dealing with my horrible parents, and I’m sorry I dragged you into it. My family is... messed up, and I can understand if you want nothing to do with that whole mess. I won’t blame you if you just want to stay away from me and my family issues.”

“I...”

I’ll do a whole lot more than deal with crappy parents if it means I get to be with you, Remus wants to say. I won’t judge you based on who your parents are, Remus wants to say. I won’t just abandon you, Remus wants to say.

What he says instead is “I purposely spilled a glass of red wine over your mother’s new couch!”

Sirius looks at him with a fond smile. “Yeah, just when I thought I couldn’t love you more.”

Sirius doesn’t seem to realise what he just said, but Remus’ eyes widen. “You... love me?”

Sirius flushes and starts stammering. “Oh God, I’m sorry! Not that I love you. I mean, look at you. How could I not? But that’s way too soon, isn’t it? And this is the worst timing! I mean, you’re probably super angry with me, and I don’t even know if you still want to see me...”

“I don’t mind!” Remus quickly says. “I mean, I think I rather like that you love me? I think I’m very much starting to feel the same way?”

Sirius looks at him with a hopeful expression. “You do?”

Remus chuckles. “Come here,” he says as he pulls Sirius towards him. “For you, I’d throw my wine over any piece of furniture your mother might own any day.”

Sirius smiles as he leans in to kiss Remus. “In that case, can’t wait till Christmas.”

Remus? How bad is it?

Will regular milk do, or is this a triple chocolate with chocolate chips-type of situation?

Hates his parents, loves me, all good!

[oh-boy-me]

I found your speculation of Satan having a crush on mc from the get go verry interesting. I was wondering if you have any speculations around the other boys? Like in what order do you think the boys fell for mc? Any specific points in the story that you think are the "fall for mc" moments for them?

(HFSDHFSD LISTEN I’ve had this in my drafts for AGES and I’m so sorry I’m just now getting to actually posting it ;w; )

I’m MORE than happy to speculate on this!  For the brothers, at least, because I haven’t read up to the parts where the other characters show notable interest in you

Putting most of this under a cut for long post and spoilers, but the tl;dr (with some mysterious elements to catch your interest heheheh) is that I believe the brothers “fall for MC” in this order:

1. Satan 2. Mammon 3. (Lucifer) 4. (Levi) 3. Belphie 4. Beel 4. Levi 4. Lucifer 7. Asmo

That must look a little weird; I hope I’ve piqued your interest!

Now, what am I defining as falling for MC?  For consistency, we’re going to consider a brother falling for MC being the moment when they themself realize that they might have feelings for them.

#1 Demon: Satan Moment: As early as day 4

First up is Satan, who I’ve already explained here.  An argument can be made that Mammon catches feelings first, but assuming a real-time progression, Satan’s first text reaches MC on their fourth day in the Devildom.

#2 Demon: Mammon Moment: Lesson 4-1

Mammon is interesting, because with this analysis he’s one of only two brothers for which you can actually get a calendar date for their falling for MC.  You can do this because the first few lessons cover a very short span of time.

According to the fact that Lucifer says you don’t want to be late on your first day of school after giving you a hint about Goldie, MC makes a pact with Mammon on their second day in the Devildom. (You don’t go to school on day 1.)

Lucifer blocks MC from the attic on the night of day 3, and after that things get shaky again until you hit the TSL movie night with Beel and Mammon.

The reason the movie night is interesting is because Beel specifically states that midterms are coming up soon.  Based on the game’s Japanese origin, we’re going to assume that RAD also follows the same three-term system that Japanese schools do.  This places the TSL marathon at about a month into MC’s stay.

Anyway, we’re basing Mammon’s interest in you on pretty obvious factors:

We basically don’t see any of Mammon’s trademark tsundere nature until after these lessons.  Before this it’s not him being tsundere, he’s genuinely annoyed with you.

He left a toothbrush and charger in your room sometime between Lesson 3-10 and 4-4.

This famous line: 

He probably developed feelings sometime during the TSL marathon, but I think it was when you were in danger, and even though he kept saying he’d let you die his first instinct was to save you, that he understood what those feelings were.

#3.  Demon: (Lucifer) Moment: Lesson 12-19

Crossed out and in parentheses Lucifer is the first one where we start to go off of assumptions and headcanon rather than concrete in game evidence, but.  I’m sure your bigger question is “why is he crossed out AND in parentheses AND why does he show up again later.”

The moment I listed is the lesson where you and Lucifer have to fall in love to escape the “horror game” that Levi “trapped” you in.  He spends most of the time seeming like he isn’t interested and doing it out of necessity, but then he turns around and says these lines.

Assuming that was almost a confession, I wouldn’t be surprised if he decided right there, in that moment, that he was developing feelings.  Lucifer is very self aware, and very sure of himself, and it’s also not like him to suddenly change his mind about how he’s treating things.  If he was hiding his feelings the whole time, I don’t think he would have almost slipped at all.

Of course, right after this, you announce that you’ve met Belphegor, and his developing feelings are overshadowed by rage.

And of course, Lesson 12-19 never happened.

What?

Let me remind you of the timeline.  Barbatos explains in Lesson 16-19 that he has the power to choose any timeline as the sole reality, and he chose the timeline you traveled to.

When you jump back in time, you end up in the moment right after making a pact with Satan (Lesson 12-10).  This means that everything that happened between Lessons 12-10 and 15-17 was erased from history.

The timeline in Season One looks a little something like this, to simplify.

Admittedly, we don’t know how far into their conversation MC and Lucifer make it in the second timeline, but on Lucifer’s part I don’t think it changes much.

This timeline stuff is important because

#4 Demon: (Leviathan) Moment: Lesson 14-4

Ok, first, I have to say that I really hate the way MC and Levi make up in Lesson 14.  imo it has the potential to be really manipulative on both sides.  But that’s not the point of this post.

Levi does NOT have a crush on you before Belphie shows up out of nowhere.  In Lesson 14-4, he’s talking to himself, and distinctly complains about losing a friend, and how Henry is his only friend.

He’s also refusing to acknowledge your existence, and he’s talking to a fish, so there’s no reason for him to hide how he really feels in the moment.

Then, later on in the same chapter, this is Levi’s response to seeing MC hug Lucifer.

I’m assuming MC isn’t the one he’s jealous of.  But what’s interesting here is that, as far as I can remember, this is the first time Levi ever expresses jealousy about you in any sense, platonic or romantic.  You don’t really interact with Levi one on one between Lesson 14-4 and this moment, so 14-4 is the most likely catalyst for this change.

Levi does say “you’re my true friend” at the end of 14-4, but you are not a fish, and that doesn’t change the fact that he could have been like “oh wow MC didn’t abandon me they really like me oh no I really like them”

Also, by 16-A he canonically likes you.

But just like with the last one, this exchange never happened and Levi never fell for you.

#3 Demon: Belphie Moment: Between Lessons 18-15 and 18-19

Now Belphie is interesting, because I would argue that he was trying to fall in love with you for a while.  All that “making up for lost time” and seeming to spend every waking hour with you in lessons 17 and 18 to me point pretty heavily to the idea that he wants to feel the same way about you that his brothers do.  Whether it’s to feel more connected with them or from a genuine interest in you is unclear though.

But then he decides to give you a pact as a present, which is a pretty big deal.  Most pacts in the game are made before the demon has feelings for you, but aside from Belphie, Satan is the only one who brings it up himself.  And since like I said Satan pretty clearly liked you before making a pact, the same can probably be said of Belphie.

I should also mention that Belphie muses over giving you a pact in Lesson 18-A, which takes place before Lesson 17-7 at the latest.  But we have to remember that this is before you’ve helped him mend his relationships with his brothers, and therefore he barely knows you.  Satan also barely knew you, but Belphie has the added problem of mixing up you and Lilith.  You can make arguments for the others when they were uber nice to you in Lesson 16-19, but for Belphie there’s really no other possible reason than Lilith.

However, Lesson 18-15 is the one where Belphie says he’s going to move forward with his life and stop putting things on hold for Lilith.

So, chances are his attachment to you is pretty unhealthy at first, but I’m choosing the timeframe I did as the moment because in 18-19 he explicitly states that he isn’t confusing you with Lilith.

This would be the moment of confirmation that he likes you, not the idea of what you might represent.

#4 Demon: Leviathan, Beelzebub, Lucifer Moment: Sometime during the time skip

I don’t think we see these three fall for you on camera.  The time skip covers literal months, and I think they fall for you in somewhere in that long period of time.

I don’t think I need to tell you that Levi and Beel like you by the time Lesson 20 comes along, since they both confess to you.

Lucifer doesn’t explicitly confess, but if you choose to hug him, he says this

Which heavily implies that he wants to be the one most important to you.  Also, I don’t think he’d have made a pact at all otherwise.

#7 Demon: Asmodeus Moment: Lesson 19-17

For Asmo, I think we see the EXACT moment he realizes he’s in love with you.

First off, in Lesson 16-A he noticeably isn’t openly interested in you in any way other than superficially.  Granted, 16-A never happened, but it does confirm that he didn’t like you before then.

Then, in his part of Lesson 19, you go drinking with him.  Early in the night, he says this.

His answer to your prompt of romance suggests that he doesn’t understand the fact that he does like you like that, or at least that he’s in denial.

However, then you beat him at a drinking game, and the reality of you leaving him behind comes crashing down on him.

The drastic change makes me think that this is the very moment he understands his feelings.

--

And that’s it!  I hope this was an interesting read, and sorry again it took SO long.

[fangirlwriting-stories]

I Told You That I Love You (Please Believe Me)

Summary: Roman isn't sure how much longer he can deal with Janus' hatred, so he decides to try and at least ask him why so he knows what he's doing wrong.

Roman knew that Janus didn’t care about him.  He said it so often that Roman had learned how to not react to it.  Sometimes Janus was feeling particularly cruel and said things like “I do, in fact, care deeply for you, Roman.”  Which, of course, since he was Janus, meant that he didn’t care in the slightest.  There had been a time Roman might have assumed he was being genuine.  But that was before he learned that Janus always spoke in lies.

Roman had a tendency to lash out when he was hurt, meaning that more than once he’d responded to these statements with some kind of anger.  But could you blame him?  It  hurts  to be so often told by the person of your affection that you didn’t matter to them.

Because when it came down to it, that was the real problem.  The way that somehow, despite everything, when Roman saw Janus his heart still fluttered.  He still saw the way that Janus cared for those he loved and wanted that for himself.

Janus didn’t care like Patton, where he was constantly checking up on others.  But when a side was reaching their breaking point, Janus stepped in.  He cared for Patton when he was sad, and Remus when he was lonely, and Virgil when he was panicked, and Logan when he was overwhelmed, and Thomas when he was weary.  He was gentle and soft in a way that he almost never was.  Janus stepped in when someone was tired, and couldn’t make it much further on their own.

And Roman was so tired.

But despite Janus slowly becoming more accepted, him fixing his relationship with Patton and Logan and even Virgil, eventually, Roman wasn’t extended that same grace.  He understood.  He’d made so many mistakes.  But understanding why Janus still hated him didn’t make him any less tired.  And didn’t make Janus any less magnificent.

Magnificent enough that Roman had come to expect the way his heart raced when Janus entered a room.  How could he not love Janus when he was so… Janus?

It didn’t really make the renewals of hatred any less painful.  Roman thought it might actually make it worse, since as Virgil had sung about, when you care for someone, not much hurts more than their scorn.

So Roman slowly started to avoid Janus when he could.  It was more difficult than it used to be.  Janus was around, and for some reason, when he spotted Roman alone in a room, he didn’t immediately head the other direction, but instead walked in and sat with him most of the time.  And Roman didn’t  understand.

Why was he here?  Why did he insist on spending time with someone he had no problems admitting that he hated?  It made no sense.

It reached a point where Roman wanted answers, and he couldn’t think of many places better to get them than the person that was causing him these issues in the first place.  So he gathered up his courage to go knock on Janus’ door… and ended up standing in front of it for an hour and a half.

Okay, it probably wasn’t actually that long, but it felt that way.  He thought anxiety was supposed to be Virgil’s thing, but Roman couldn’t seem to get his heart rate to calm down long enough to knock.

He supposed it didn’t really matter in the end, because he was there long enough that eventually Janus opened the door and saw Roman standing there.

“Can I help you?” Janus asked after a long pause.

“Can I ask you something?” Roman said quickly.

Janus raised an eyebrow.  “Sure.  Come on in.  But can we make this quick?  I needed to find Patton.”

“Oh, well then nevermind!” Roman exclaimed, leaping about six paces back.  “I can ask another time, I’m sure that’s much more important!”

Janus blinked at him a couple times, then sighed.  “Okay.”  He walked across the room, took Roman by the arm, and pulled him into his room.  “Clearly you need to talk about this right now.  Come on then, out with it.”  He shut the door behind them both and turned to lean against it, preventing Roman’s escape.

“Oh, no, no, it’s fine!  I’m just being silly, we can do this another time, or never!  Never is good too!” Roman said, trying to ignore both the way his mouth was starting to run away from him and the way Janus was starting to look irritated.  He could do this, he just needed to last long enough to throw this whole thing in the garbage and do it later.  Or never.

“Roman,” Janus said.

“And I don’t want to bother you with something so silly, I mean I—”

“Roman.”

“—don’t need an answer to this right away, it’s such a small thing, it’s not—”

“Roman,” Janus snapped.  “Out with it.”

“Why do you hate me?” Roman blurted, and Janus’ eyes snapped open in shock.  Roman had to resist the very unprincely urge to slap his hand over his mouth.

Janus narrowed his eyes a second later, and Roman wanted to go immediately back into his room and never come out again.

“Roman, what are you talking about?” Janus asked.

“I… I’m sorry,” Roman said, looking away.  “I just… I want to know why you hate me.  Is there any way to make you like me?  Or just forgive me?  Because I’m so sorry.”

“Roman,” Janus said, moving across the room and towards him.  He had that gentle look in his eyes that was reserved for sides he cared about, but that didn’t make any sense.  “Why would you think I hate you?”

“Well— you tell me all the time,” Roman said hesitantly.

Janus stared at him.  “When have I done that?”

“You say you ‘care deeply’ for me.  But you lie all the time, so…”

Janus stared at him for a second longer.  “Are you kidding me?”

“…No?”

Janus gave a short laugh and ran a hand through his hair.  He muttered something that sounded like “Why the hell am I in love with you again?” except for the fact that there was no way that was what he actually said.  A second later, though, he walked across the rest of the space between them and took Roman by the shoulders.

“Roman,” he said.  “Listen to me.  I definitely speak in lies all of the time.”

Roman blinked.  “…Oh.”  He looked down, trying to process that.  “Really?”

“Really.  I thought we covered this already.  And why on earth would I tell you that I hate you to your face so many times?  When the others are around, no less?”

“Why would they care?” Roman mumbled before he could stop himself, and Janus’ hands suddenly lifted off his shoulders.  Roman winced.  Well, he screwed that up.

“Roman,” Janus said again.

Roman managed to drag his gaze up to Janus.  “Yeah?”

“You’ve seen me telling the others I love them, haven’t you? Did you think I was lying to them?”

“Well, no,“ Roman said.  “But that’s different.“

“How is that different?“

“Well they deserve it.“

Janus’ face fell, and Roman’s heart did the same a second later.  “Wait, no,” he stammered.  “I meant— wait, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean—”

“Roman,” Janus cut him off.  “When someone tells you they love you, do you assume they’re lying to you?”

Roman blinked.  “Well, yeah,” he said.  “Obviously.”

For some reason, that just seemed to make Janus more distressed, and Roman didn’t know what he was doing wrong.

“Oh, sweetheart,” Janus said, his hands drifting up to Roman’s face.  They rested on his cheeks, and Roman pulled in a sharp breath.  Janus looked like he was about to cry.

“What… what did I do wrong?” Roman whispered.

“Nothing, sweetheart,” Janus said, pulling Roman into his arms.  Every place their skin connected felt warm, and Roman wondered when the last time he got a hug was.

“You didn’t do anything wrong, Roman,” Janus repeated, which was definitely a lie, because Roman did things wrong all the time.

Janus seemed to pick up on what he wasn’t saying somehow, and shifted to start running his hand through his hair.  “You haven’t done anything wrong,” he repeated.  “Or, I suppose, if it helps, you’ve done absolutely everything wrong and I despise you, Roman.”

Roman took a shaky breath.  It felt like it shouldn’t have been easier to believe such if Janus told him like that.  But he decided for right now to let that not matter, and just drank in the warmth Janus was giving him.  They weren’t moving, after all, and it had been such a long time since he had just gotten to exist with someone like this.

“Breathe,” Janus said softly, and Roman realized he was starting to shake.  “It’s okay, Roman, breathe.”

Roman buried his head in Janus’ shoulder and breathed.

“Can I help you?” Janus asked softly.  “How can I help you, Roman?”

“Don’t go,” Roman said, sudden and not very prince-like at all.  “Please don’t go, I— I’m tired.”

“Okay,” Janus said.  “Okay.  I won’t go.  I’m not going anywhere.”

Roman opened his mouth, and nothing came out.  He wasn’t even sure how to ask, but his brain wouldn’t stop screaming at him.

Janus, somehow, seemed to read his mind.  “Roman,” he said, sounding a little exasperated but thankfully not to the least bit angry.  “I’m going to completely abandon you without a single thought as to how it will affect you.  Considering I don’t care about you in the slightest, that will be very easy for me.”

Roman buried his head further in Janus’ shoulder.  “Sorry,” he mumbled.

“It’s not alright,” Janus said.  “I’m very annoyed by it, especially considering how hard it is for me to lie.”

Janus ran his hands through Roman’s hair again.  “Do you want to go lay on my bed, sweetheart?  You said you were tired.”

“Not like that,” Roman protested weakly, except for the fact that he kind of was, and Janus’ bed looked very comfortable, and if it meant Janus would stay…

“If you don’t want to, I’ll force you,” Janus said.  “But if you want to stay, I won’t let you.”

“…Can I?” Roman asked.

“Of course not,” Janus said, leading them over towards the bed.  “I generally find naps in the afternoon to be horrendous after all, and I avoid them at all costs.”

Five minutes later found them both in pajamas bundled under many heating blankets, with Janus still running his fingers through Roman’s hair and Roman definitely not complaining.

“You know,” Janus said quietly.  “We’re definitely not going to have to have a talk about you assuming people are lying to you when they tell you they love you.”

Roman tensed.

“But it absolutely has to happen right now,” Janus continued.  “Especially if you’re not ready.”

Roman was quiet for a minute.  “You really don’t hate me?” he whispered.

Janus simply squeezed him with an extra summoned hand in response.

“Why?”

Janus hummed in thought.  “Do I have reasons for how much I absolutely detest you?  Let’s see, there’s quite a few of them.  Let me think.”

He pulled gently at a knot in Roman’s hair and summoned another hand to gently untangle it.  Roman felt a little bit like he was floating.

“Because you’re incredibly cruel when you’re trying to be kind,” Janus said.  “And you’re so terrible at coming up with ideas and ways to inspire, both yourself and others.  You look terrible when you dress up.  You’re about the least forgiving person I’ve ever met.  And you definitely don’t have this sparkle when you’re excited that’s just infectious.”  Janus gave him a look.  “I’ve seen it so often lately.”

Roman was still too busy catching up on all the compliments Janus just gave him to respond in any way, which was completely unfair, because he was the romantic side, and he should be able to come up with long poetic speeches about the person he… was in love with…

Roman looked up at Janus for a moment, and somehow, Janus seemed to read what he was thinking on his face again.  And then Roman thought maybe he could come up with a speech later, because Janus was suddenly looking very embarrassed and that was much more important.

Roman started to grin.  “You,” he proclaimed happily.  “Like me.”

“Preposterous.”

“You love me,” Roman crooned, because he was starting to feel very in his element, and it was making him much less self-conscious.

“Simply absurd.”

“And I think it would be reasonable to assume,” Roman said with a beaming smile.  “After the way you’ve been behaving, that you’re in love with me.”

“I’ve never heard such a ridiculous statement in my life.”

Roman leaned in and rested his forehead against Janus.’  “Except you’ve been speaking in lies for the past half hour,” he said.  “And I love you too.”

“How many times do I have to explain that I don’t only speak in—” Janus stopped.  “What?”

“I love you too,” Roman said happily.  “I thought that must have been rather clear, with how upset I was that I thought you hated me.”

Janus blinked a couple of times.  “Ludicrous,” he said weakly.

“Can I kiss you?”

Janus responded by leaning in, and Roman soared.

Janus didn’t hate him.  As a matter of fact, for some bizarre reason, Janus seemed to love him back.  And the rest could be worked out with time.  They could talk.  Roman could ask the others if they really weren’t lying when they said they loved him, like Janus seemed to believe.

Roman smiled into the kiss.  Right now, if someone else told him such, he felt like he could believe them with ease.

[along-came-atsushi]

Akutagawa – Dazai – Atsushi: An analysis about their relationship

And why Dazai treats them so differently.

.

The symbolism of Atsushi and Akutagawa:

From their outward appearance and their design alone, Atsushi and Akutagawa are meant as opposites, but they’re also a duality:

Both wear black and white clothes, but whereas Atsushi is mostly white with a streak of black, Akutagawa wears mostly black with a streak of white. It’s even represented in their hair colours.

Besides this, there are many other things that mark their oppositeness and their duality to each other:

Atsushi is a member of the ADA, while Akutagawa is a member of the PM. Atsushi’s ability colour is blue, Akutagawa’s ability colour is red. Being a member of the ADA makes Atsushi someone who works for the “light and day”, Akutagawa is someone who works for the “darkness and night.” Atsushi loves cats, Akutagawa hates dogs. Atsushi’s ability takes the form of a tiger, Akutagawa’s ability represents a dragon, both creatures are important elements in Asian mythology. Ultimately, Atsushi symbolizes life or is associated with life, while Akutagawa symbolizes death or is associated with death.

Considering this, the title Shin Soukoku (Double Black) isn’t even a fitting name for them, since they both aren’t simply a double, as both Mori and Fukuzawa or Dazai and Chuuya were.

[Beware: Spoilers starting from chapter 83]

.

Dazai’s mindset and his relationship with Akutagawa:

1.) One of the reasons why Dazai’s treatment towards Akutagawa as a mentor was so cruel and brutal, firstly lies in his overall negative mental state during his PM time. He was visibly unhappy, constantly surrounded by death and violence, and more than now struggled with his suicidal thoughts.

Is it an explanation for his treatment of Akutagawa? −Yes, it is.

Is it an excuse for his treatment of Akutagawa? −No, it isn’t.

2.) Another reason is that this is just how things are done in the Mafia. There is no sense in handling someone with kid gloves in the PM, a place where you get killed for disobeying orders, where you shouldn’t see your peers as friends or get to intimate with anyone:

“It’s an unwritten rule in the Mafia to not stick your nose where it doesn’t belong. One must never open the door to another’s heart and try to judge them for the darkness tucked within.” – Odasaku

If it wouldn’t have been Dazai who taught Akutagawa in such a cruel way, with high probability, it would’ve been someone else. Or as Dazai explained, a sign of weakness will get you killed in the PM:

And Dazai had the absolute chance to kill Akutagawa after he disobeyed orders and killed a person captured for interrogation. His ability can nullify all other abilities by mere touch. He could’ve simply touched Akutagawa, so that he wouldn’t have been able to use his ability to protect himself, and then shot him on the spot. But he didn’t do that, because:

“Akutagawa – he’s like a sword without a sheath.” Dazai grinned from ear to ear. “He’ll surely become the Mafia’s strongest skill user in the not-so-distant future. But for now he needs someone who can teach him how to put that sword away.”  [...]

“When I first saw him over in the slums, I was horrified. His talents are extraordinary, and his skill is extremely destructive. Plus, he’s stubborn. If I’d left him to his own devices, he would’ve ended up a slave to his own powers until he destroyed himself.” – Dazai to Odasaku

He already valued Akutagawa’s skill and saw the huge potential in him:

I was surprised. I had never heard Dazai openly speak so highly of one of his men like that before. [...]

Dazai didn’t freely make people work under him, period; much less a boy on the verge of starvation in the slums. But Dazai seemed to have his own reasons for doing it. – Odasaku about Dazai

.

Something which is also later confirmed by Atsushi:

“I believe Dazai-san has acknowledged you long ago.”

Why is it then that Dazai still treats Akutagawa so badly and doesn’t tell his approval right to his face? Something that becomes Akutagawa’s main purpose for a long time, even after Dazai left PM.

.

Dazai’s relationship with Odasaku and Ango:

Dazai’s behaviour and actions when he’s with Ango and Odasaku clearly shows that he can be different and doesn’t treat everyone with cruelty and coldness, if he wants to.

But what’s the difference between the two people he considers his friends and the people who are his subordinates?

-> Ango and Odasaku value and respect life.

.

The reason Dazai becomes and is attached to Odasaku and Ango is their viewpoint about death and life:

“I would become a novelist and write a story about why the man stopped killing. But to become a novelist, I needed to sincerely know what it meant to live. – Odasaku

.

“You’re quite the interesting fellow, Ango. Doing that isn’t going to make the boss happy. […]” “You’re making records of the lives of the deceased. Am I right?” […] “The line between human losses and those of money and equipment begin to blur. There is no individual, no soul, and no dignity to death. But you’re fighting back against that.” – Dazai to Ango

This is the reason why he values them so much that he considers them his friends. He’s not friends with them because he gains something from it, or because they have interesting abilities, or because they are on the same intellectual level as him (which they aren’t). Something that gets emphasized by Odasaku’s rank. He descended from an assassin (a high reputation in the PM) to a maid-of-all-work and an errand boy (a low reputation in the PM).

Dazai is attracted to and fascinated by people who value life – something you don’t find in the PM, and something he himself struggles to understand. Probably because there never was a person who taught him this. Like a curious child, he turns to people who he knows have a better understanding in this than him.

He even becomes very irritated when one of his subordinates questions his friendship with Odasaku:

“Dazai, sir, I don’t mean to be rude, but… I saw him [Odasaku] sweeping behind the office the other day. A man of his status isn’t qualified to be your friend, let alone with an enemy like this.” Dazai stared, flabbergasted, at his underling.

“Are you joking? Odasaku’s not qualified?” Dazai asked, thoroughly surprised. […] “You fools!” Dazai’s lips curled into a sneer in genuine disgust.

This respect doesn’t solely concern Odasaku and Ango. Hirotsu is also one of the very few people he respects for this reason. Even though Hirotsu may not value life in the same terms as Odasaku and Ango do, but he also doesn’t lightly throw away his subordinates lives either:

“…Ha-ha! Just kidding!” Dazai abruptly added in a cheery tone. Hirotsu stared back at him, confused. “The reason you have so many people following you is that you don’t turn your back on them. I’ll leave things in your hands. I won’t tell the boss.”

It’s only when Odasaku dies in Dazai’s arms and tells him to go protect the living, that he starts to change his behaviour and viewpoint.

.

Dazai and his many failed suicide attempts:

Why is it that Dazai − a genius, a manipulator, someone who exactly knows how the human psyche works, someone who’s predictions always come true and who has plans within plans – then always fails when he tries to kill himself?

Dazai has read the book “The Complete Suicide” so often that he can cite it in his sleep. He has engaged in torture and killed many people. He knew exactly how to involve Ango and himself in a car crash without them dying.

If he really wanted to, he could’ve already killed himself many times ago. He claims that “he doesn’t like pain and suffering”, which according to him is the reason why his suicide attempts fail. But there are ways how he could kill himself without just that. It’s just that he doesn’t WANT to die.

„I thought if all went well, I could die a heroic death on the battlefield. But the dozen or so armed guys who showed up were a real scrappy bunch. […] Thus, I unfortunately avoided death once again.”

He always tells that something inconvenient happened that kept him from dying. But sometimes people around him notice that there’s something wrong in his attempts:

“I was walking and reading a book called ‘How To Not Get Hurt Out Of The Blue’ and fell into a drainage ditch.” A surprisingly absurd reason. – Odasaku and Dazai

.

“I glance at his desk and see the blasphemous book he bought the other day, ‘The Complete Suicide’, opened to a page titled ‘Death by Poisoning Mushrooms.’ Next to the book lies a plate with a half-eaten mushroom on it. However, upon further inspection, it appears to be a slightly different color from the one in the book. – Kunikida about Dazai

.

“I thought you [Gide] were similar to Dazai at first, rushing into battle and wishing for death without even considering the value of your own life. But he’s different. […] And he’s just a child−a sobbing child abandoned in the darkness of a world far emptier than the one we’re seeing.” – Odasaku to Gide about Dazai.

Dazai is a person who actively seeks life and wants to be freed from his own philosophy. He’s struggling between seeking death, which he thinks is the only way to free him from his loneliness and suffering, and seeking life for the simple reason that he doesn’t want to die.

.

Dazai’s relationship with Atsushi:

Atsushi saved Dazai from drowning despite the fact that he himself was on the brink of starvation. The first thing Dazai got attached to Atsushi is his view on life. Despite the abuse he suffered, Atsushi seeks life and wants to live, makes it even his reason to fight and his life motto.

“The lives of those who can’t save anyone have no value”. In that moment an idea suddenly popped into my mind. […] If by any chance I can let the passengers return home save and sound does that prove that it’s okay for me to live?”

Throughout the story, Atsushi transfers his viewpoint and determination to characters who have a connection to death, darkness and/or suffering (e.g. Kyouka, Lucy).

The reason Atsushi values life, being the symbolical personification of it, is the reason why Dazai is able to treat him much better than Akutagawa.

.

Forming Shin Soukoku:

Dazai says that Akutagawa is a highly skilled student, but he needs someone to sharpen him. He instantly decides and plans to team him up with Atsushi, the moment he meets him. He knows that Atsushi, due to his view on life, is the only one who can teach Akutagawa to value life himself and to change as a person. In other words “the one who can teach him how to put that sword away”.

This is something Dazai in the past couldn’t and still can’t teach Akutagawa (or anyone at all for that matter). Because he himself needs and wants to be taught that, so he seeks people who are able to give him a different understanding in this (see Ango and Odasaku). Vice versa Akutagawa isn’t able to teach Dazai how to value life, because he himself represents death and has a strong connection to it. It’s one of the very first things he says when he gets introduced in the story:

“Fear death. Fear slaughter. Those who desire death have an equal desire to die.”

Even though Atsushi’s words may seem very harsh, but it IS one of the reasons why Dazai so abruptly abandoned Akutagawa. Is it an explanation? −Yes, it is. Is it an excuse? −No, it isn’t.

Another reason is that Dazai tries to flee from his responsibilities, his past and the terrible things he has done (including Akutagawa’s abuse), because he is not able to face them. Not now that is. He is still in need of guidance and of change, in order to be able to do this.

[Side note: Dazai and guilt is something that can be analysed in its very own meta. I’m not expanding on it further here].

Akutagawa’s connection to death gets emphasized by him even disobeying orders to not kill, for the sole reason that in his mind, killing is much simpler and more effective. He lashes out and tries to kill the people who are respected by Dazai and/or considered friends, even though he should know that an action like this will definitely not get him the approval he so wants.

He was willing to kill Atsushi, even though his mission was to capture him alive, ignoring the possible consequences this would have had for him.

But throughout the story Akutagawa changes his viewpoint. He thinks that the reason why Dazai acknowledges Atsushi and puts him above him, is because he is a better (better in the sense of physical and ability strength) subordinate than him. But he realizes that this can’t be the case and questions it more than once:

His former pure jealousy and grudge towards Atsushi (something which he also felt for Odasaku) slowly turns into questioning, trying to understand what differs them from each other. Dazai knows very well that Akutagawa is still obsessed with him and his approval. Therefore if necessary, he uses this to manipulate him, if it’s to either protect/help Atsushi or to get them both to work together:

Akutagawa starts to constantly challenge Atsushi, questioning him, and demanding him for an answer. It’s only when Akutagawa saves Yokohoma from the Moby Dick crash, that Dazai openly tells him “you did well”.

The reason why Dazai does this so hesitantly, shows that he is still in his own metamorphosis. He’s slowly changing as is Akutagawa. He is still afraid to face his responsibilities, but doesn’t treat his former subordinate cruel anymore.

This change in Akutagawa goes so far that Atsushi is able to ask him to not to kill anyone until they meet again. When told about, Dazai is visibly happy, as it is something that he as a mentor wasn’t able to do. He is reminded of Odasaku, comparing Akutagawa now to him:

Due to this, Dazai now has this much faith in Akutagawa that he puts the task to keep an eye on Atsushi and to protect him in his hands:

Mind the difference of his expressions when he talks with Akutagawa then and now:

Dazai doesn’t team Atsushi and Akutagawa up only for strength and fighting reasons. Or because their abilities are compatible in battle. But because Dazai knows that Akutagawa won’t unnecessarily kill anymore, because he is seeking answers through Atsushi and is changing through their interactions:

He keeps his promise, much to Atsushi’s surprise, but it’s out of the question that he is happy about this:

Akutagawa promising not to kill anyone, keeping his promise in the end and even going so far as to protect someone, in other words valuing life, is something which Dazai could’ve never taught him. And again, he still can’t. Dazai is not solely the teacher, but the student himself. And although Atsushi may be a teacher for both of them in his philosophy, he is a student of Akutagawa and Dazai in other things.

Because what Atsushi lacks is self-confidence and his own worth, faith in his own abilities and the mental strength to overcome his past abuse and trauma. Those are things he learns through Dazai and especially, through Akutagawa.

[sellyoursoulforagoodfic]

Monstrous Secrets Chapter 8

Eris Vanserra x reader

Word Count: 1720

Summary: You and a couple of the guys have a heart-to-heart

You were home, or rather, you were in the physical place where you lived. It was difficult to call Velaris ‘home’ when your home was really a person, your mate. It was even harder to call this place home since Azriel started looking at you like he wanted to spit on you at any given moment. You’d expected to be treated that way once everything came to light, but that didn’t mean that you didn’t loathe it with every fiber of your being.

It was in a fit of this general discontent that you found yourself sitting on the ground of the balcony outside the House of Wind’s library. A bottle of wine, half empty already based on the weight of it, dangled from your fingertips as you stared blankly into the fire and longed for the male that could make such flames dance like sprites. Eris’s notes from your time apart rested on the ground before you, some resting against or on your leg because you’d simply dropped them after reading.

“Cass told me I’d find you here,” Rhys said as his feet entered your field of view. “Though I’ll admit I thought he was exaggerating how much you’d been drinking.”

Your eyes darted over to the other two, empty bottles you’d abandoned back when you’d been sitting in a chair. “Yes, well, you know how my tolerance is.”

“Considering how many men you’ve drunk under the table? Yes, I’m fully aware.” Now, he brought himself low enough that he could meet your eye on your own level. The most powerful High Lord, kneeling beside his low fae cousin on the ground.

You snorted at the sheer ridiculousness. “Whatcha doing here, Rhys? I figured you’d be off with Feyre.”

“She had things to discuss with Amren or else she’d be here talking to you with me.”

You took another drink. “Well in that case, lay it on me.” Your arms spread wide dramatically, one hand holding the bottle, the other a letter; your wings flared slightly behind you in an effort to keep you balanced. “Ask me anything you want! I assume it’s about that gorgeous mate of mine.”

He rolled his eyes and took the bottle from you. “I won’t insult you bya skiing what Azriel wants me to.” Rhysand took a long drink.

“Oooooh, let me guess!” You did your best to make your face as stoic as the shadowsinger’s. “Have I been selling secrets to the Autumn Court?”

“Close,” he snickered. “Has she been giving away secrets to the Autumn Court?”

You scoffed. “As if I’d give them away for free!” 

“Sweetheart, you’d never spill them either way.” His eyes were somber, caring. “You would never betray us like that, so I have no need to ask.”

“Then what do you need to ask?”

“First, I want to ask about your bargain.”

“You makin’ sure I didn’t give away anything important?”

“I want to know that it was your choice to make whatever deal it was.”

Your brain stalled out in light of his genuine concern after so many days of people being wary of you, and your buzz fizzled a little because of it. “It was a deal of protection,” you explained seriously. “He’ll watch my back as long as I watch his sort of thing.” You stole back the bottle to take another drink. “And what a fucking job I did.”

“You couldn’t have done anything against her,” he assured you, “and if you had tried, more likely than not, you’d both be dead right now.”

“Whatever, Rhys,” you scoffed. “What else?”

“You are not less than him because you’re Illyrian.” You’d known the topic was coming, but you didn’t expect him to be quite so blunt. “And if he treats you like you are, I’ll kill him myself.”

“Then you can stop worrying, because he doesn’t. Hasn’t even said anything to imply it--get that look off your face right now. Anything he said to you was an act because we were backed into a nightmare of a corner, and you know it. Anyway, he hasn't made any jabs implying it--accidentally or otherwise--since we first got together.”

“Put a stop to that, did you?” He was smirking as he swiped the bottle back to drink once again. 

“Of course.” You hesitated. “But he and I are both aware of what others will think; just look at your parents. That’s why, or at least part of why, we kept quiet about the whole thing.”

Rhysand was nodding as if pleased.

“That all you’ve got, cousin?”

A little snort escaped his nose. “As far as being concerned goes, we’ll say yes for now.”

“And as far as everything else?”

“Since you’ve so cruelly left your poor cousin in the dark about your relationship for--how long was it again?”

“‘Bout five hundred years--”

“Five hundred years! Because you've left me in the dark for so long, I want to know everything about the two of you.”

“Everything?”

“Everything.” He waved a hand a little. “That you’re willing to share, of course.”

“Rhys . . . I don’t  . . .” You weren’t used to this. You’d never had to share anything about your relationship before. You weren’t good at talking about yourself. “I don’t know where to start.”

A low hum rumbled through the air along with the telling thuds of someone else’s boots.

“Why don’t you start with that letter you’re holding?” Cassian abruptly dropped down next to you, so close he was lightly pressed against your side. It was such a casual closeness that the pair of you had had for centuries, and you didn't realize how much you loved it until it was missing. Its presence now brought tears to your eyes, but none fell.

Blinking them back, you stammered, “Um. It’s how we talked . . . when we couldn’t see each other.” A self-deprecating chuckle ripped its way up from your throat. “Apparently he’d been sending them since just after Amarantha, and I never knew since I don’t live down there anymore. I’m only just now getting around to reading them.” Carelessly, you handed it over to Cassian. “You can read it if you want; I was going through them all, but I can’t exactly see straight enough to read anymore.”

He eyed you warily before opening it gently. Clearing his throat before he read,

“I hope you are doing well, and I hope moreso that you have not finally come to your senses and decided to leave me. I’ve been trying to keep my emotions from bothering you in case you have, but Father has proven to be harsher than ever before in light of everything that has happened over the last half-century. It’s all I can do to keep him from deciding to hunt down Lucien.

Cauldron, I don’t even know if you’re receiving these messages or if you even care and yet here I am droning on about my own problems. I’ll leave this here, then.

I miss you, and I love you always,

Eris”

Both men were silent for a breath.

“Who would have thought that Eris Vanserra of all people would be so rambling in a letter?” Cassian eventually teased--only slightly awkwardly--to break the quiet.

“He stopped trying to be eloquent in our notes about five years in.” Your buzz was definitely on the way out now, and you found yourself listlessly leaning against Cassian. Neither male commented about the more romantic sentiments in the letter. You wondered why that was. For your privacy or their own comfort so they didn’t have to think about the fact that Eris did in fact have feelings.

“What’s the first thing you think of when you think about him?” Rhysand prompted quietly, obviously wanting to know more about the relationship despite the awkward aura that’d descended upon the little group.

It may have been because you were actively looking at a fire, but you didn’t really have to think about the words that came tumbling out of your mouth. “Did you know that he can make shapes out of flames? He used to make little dogs and foxes to play with Lucien when Beron would upset him.”

“I thought he hated that kid,” Cassian mused.

“He had to keep his distance to keep Beron’s attention away from him; he swore to his mother that he’d protect him.”

“What else comes to mind?”

You swallowed thickly. “He interrogated me about how to care for my wings when I showed up injured once.”

Rhys’s violet eyes flashed. “Injured?”

“Took a bad crash through some trees on the way to see him; I think I was dodging some scouts. Either way, he hounded me about it until I taught him all I could.”

“Seriously?” Cassian again.

“Yeah.” You could feel the dopey smile spread across your face, but you didn’t want to stop it. “Cleaning, first-aid, the whole deal. And the best part? He never has cold hands.”

“Unlike you, huh?” Rhys teased. “Nothing but cold hands.”

“Truer words never spoken,” and unexpected but familiar voice said from behind you.

As soon as you laid eyes on him, you were stumbling to your feet.

There was a warmth in his eyes that had nothing to do with flames when he caught you and pulled you close.

Immediately, you buried your face in his neck. “How?” you whispered into the pale skin there.

Eris’s hand moved to rest atop your wing where it was tucked against your back, sending a delightful shiver down your spine. “That would be a question for your High Lady.”

You glanced over your shoulder and saw that, sure enough, Feyre was now holding hands with the now-standing Rhys. “I thought you were with Amren?”

“I lied,” Rhys shrugged. “Eris was down there plotting with Keir, so I asked her to go grab him for you since you’ve been feeling down.”

When tears started welling up in your eyes, you blamed the alcohol. “Thank you.”

“Anything for you, little cousin. Now, I think it’s time for us to turn in.” His eyes shifted to look at your mate; surprisingly his gaze wasn’t near as icy as you would have expected. “Take care of her.”

“Until my dying breath.”

“Never a simple ‘yes’ or ‘no’ with you people,” Cassian scoffed, “is there?”

You smirked on behalf of your husband. “Never.”

[headheartbellarke]

HOME | Charlie Gillespie

Requested by anon:  "Hi! If request are open can you do a charlie imagine where him and the reader (she/her) met on a project a while back and have been friends for a while, but the reader kinda had a crappy home life so she gets overwhelmed by charlies family being so loving and perfect and she basically breaks down and feels like she doesn’t fit in and isn’t good enough for him? please and thank you so much, ur writing is amazing!!!"

PAIRING(s): Charlie Gillespie x fem! reader

WARNING(s): mentions of abuse, trauma, anxiety, angst, fluff

WORDS: 2,036

SUMMARY: charlie takes co-star and girlfriend y/n home for christmas but that leads to self doubt in her (im so bad at these) [note: this takes place in 2021]

    As Charlie pulls out the key from the ignition, I sigh, wringing my hands nervously. He unbuckles his seatbelt and faces me, giving me a bright, happy smile.

  “My family is so excited to meet you.” He says, reaching forward to tuck a strand of hair behind my ear.

  “What if they hate me?” I whisper.

  My boyfriend, Charlie, and I first met on the set of Charmed – we were both in the first episode, but I left it after that due to scheduling conflicts with my other show, Chilling Adventures of Sabrina. I had been a part of CAOS since its first episode – I played the role of Sabrina’s cousin, Sarah Spellman.

  Back then, we were just friends. After I left Charmed, we would text and call each other occasionally. Whenever we were in the same city, we would meet up – but that was hard considering we both had quite different lives. So, we didn’t think of each other as more than friends – sure I thought that he was attractive, but that’s it.

  But, in 2020, after CAOS was cancelled, I got a call from the casting director of Julie and The Phantoms: she was the one who had previously cast me in CAOS, and she believed that I’d be perfect for the role of Julie’s British cousin who joins her school after her parents relocate to LA – I also play Reggie’s love interest.

  I texted Charlie immediately after my manager finalized all the details for the new role. He had been excited and when shooting started in 2021, we were pretty inseparable.

  After a few weeks, I had developed a major crush on him ad the rest of the cast had also picked up on that. They were also convinced that Charlie liked me (which I didn’t believe at that time but later found out that it was, indeed, true) and they used to tease us about it all the time. Finally, a couple weeks before production ended, he asked me out on a date and it’s been really, really great so far.

  We’ve been dating for about nine months now and honestly, he’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. He’s my home – all my life I’ve always felt lost, but I feel like I truly belong with him.

  Now, he laughs. “Baby. I promise you – they already love you. My mother’s been bugging me to bring you home ever since we started dating, and you’ve already met Megan, and she loves you.”

  “If you say so.” I say, still not convinced.

  He grins and we get out of his car and face his childhood home. I take a deep breath, shaking off my nerves. He knocks three times on the front door, and it opens immediately after.

  A petite, blonde woman steps out, with a wide smile on her face. She opens her arms as Charlie yells, “Mamacita!”

  “Mon chéri. Ça fait trop longtemps!”

  “Je vous ai manqué!”

  I have absolutely no idea what they are saying, but the scene in front of me is so heart-warming. Charlie’s mother is genuinely happy to see her son – one can tell by the way she’s holding him, almost like he’s a little child. Charlie is quite a couple inches taller than her, but he’s nestled his face into her shoulder.

  I can’t stop a grin from breaking out on my face. It’s honestly rather lovely. But I also feel a slight pang in my heart knowing that no one ever greets me like this when I go home.

  They separate from each other and she squeezes his shoulders, looking at him with so much love that I have to look away. I have never seen a mother look at their child like that, with such intense love. That’s dumb, I know. Mothers are supposed to love their children. But all my mother ever looks at me with is disappointment, anger, disgust, and – you get it.

  She notices me next and claps her hands. “You must be Y/N!”

  “Hi, Mrs. Gillespie. It’s so nice to meet you!” I extend a hand toward her.

  “Aw, come here! You’re gorgeous.”

  She pulls me in for a hug too, and for a moment I’m engulfed by the smell of white musk and the feeling of warmth.

  We pull apart and I smile at her, genuinely. All my anxiety has washed away.

  “My son is always talking about you, about how pretty you are and –”

  “Let’s go inside!” Charlie quickly cuts her off, eyes widened as I laugh.

  “But I wanna know what he says!”

  Mrs Gillespie winks at me as Charlie turns scarlet. “I’ll tell you when he’s gone.”

***

    Another roar of laughter erupts around the dinner table.

  Honestly, I’ve never seen a family like this – a family so connected, so loving. All of Charlie’s siblings – from his three older brothers to his little sister are here for Christmas Eve, and all of them are teasing each other, telling childhood stories, and just having the best time. I was, too. That was until I suddenly realized how I don’t fit in here.

  Everyone here grew up completely different than I did. When I was young, about two years old – my dad left my mom and I for another woman. I haven’t seen him since – although, he sends me a postcard and some money on holidays and birthdays. He’s travelling around the world with his new wife and is apparently ‘happier than he’s ever been.’

  The reason he left is because kids ‘freak’ him out and he isn’t ‘ready’ for that kind of responsibility. I mean, it wasn’t like he was fifteen when he had me: he was twenty-seven, and already married to my mother for about two years then.

  Naturally, my mother blames me for her divorce. I was born out of an accidental pregnancy, so my mother made sure to remind me every day that I was unwanted, and my birth was what ‘pushed’ him to leave us. Every single day, my mother told me that I shouldn’t have been born, that I was a mistake, that I was worthless, unlovable and so, so many more horrible things. She used to drink like crazy, and if I accidentally faced her in that state, she would sometimes hit me.

  Years and years of abuse and all that childhood trauma led me to develop a fear of abandonment, trust issues, intimacy issues, anxiety, and depression. Throughout school, I had been closed off, unable to form relationships and friendships with other people. I had feared anything and everything – I couldn’t even maintain eye contact with people.

  Of course, when I auditioned for CAOS and moved away to LA, away from that toxic environment, I got help and turned my life around. (My mother was incredibly happy to see me go since she had married another guy and now has a family with him – so I was the only thing left that reminded her of my father.) I learnt to accept, prioritize, and love myself – but I’m still working on that, of course.

  But, I know, deep down, no matter how well I am, or how happy I am – there will always be a part of me that’s broken. I’ve grown to accept that, accept the fact that I’ll always carry the trauma with me.

  But Charlie doesn’t. He’s lived a good life, and he deserves someone who can give him their everything – and that’s not me.

  As much as I hate to say it, I’m not good enough for him.

  He senses a change in my demeanour and squeezes my hand under the table. I give him a weak smile.

***

    “Y/N/N, what’s wrong?”

  I look up at my boyfriend. He has a look of concern on his face as he takes a seat next to me on the couch.

  I sigh into the quiet. Everyone has fallen asleep, except Charlie and I – we are seated in his living room in front of the fireplace.

  “Nothing. I’m just really tired.”

  “That’s not true, Y/N. You were fine throughout dinner – oh my god, it’s the ice cream, isn’t it?”

  “What?”

  “The pistachio ice cream that Maman made. It was weirdly bitter, eh? It’s okay, you can tell me.”

  I purse my lips. “No, Charlie. The ice cream was great.”

  “Are you sure? You’ve been down since desert.”

  “It’s not the ice cream, babe.”

  “Okay, then, what is it?”

  He looks at me expectantly, and I can sense that he’s feeling anxious.

  “I just – I realized that I don’t fit in.”

  He furrows his brows, but before he can say anything, I start speaking again. “Charlie, you have such a loving and perfect family. And you know how I grew up. What I went through. So, you know that I’m not used to this. I’m not – I’ve never seen love like this in a family, you know. And I don’t fit in here! While your mother was being so nice to me, I kept wondering when she’s going to scream at me. Or when your father was genuinely interested in me, I kept thinking that maybe he’s trying to find a way to get rid of me. It’s just – it’s just the way I grew up, and I’ll always be like this, Char. Your family is so nice, and it shocks me, honestly. And I think that maybe it’s better if you date someone who grew up the way you did, someone who’s like you. Because I have been broken my whole life, and I don’t think that I can give you everything that you need. I don’t think I’m good enough for you. You’re the best person that I’ve ever met, and I think you should be with someone who’s worthy of you.”

  I whisper the last part, and feel a teardrop fall into the space between my collarbones. I look down because I’m too afraid of what he might say.

  I hear him breathe out heavily and I feel him take my hands in his.

  “Don’t you ever say that.”

  “But it’s true –”

  “Y/N. Don’t you dare doubt yourself. You are good enough. No, you’re perfect. You’re the strongest woman I know. I completely understand why you feel what you’re feeling right now.”

  He scoots closer to me and cups my cheeks in his hands. “And it’s okay. It’s okay to feel that way. It’s okay to feel shocked. That doesn’t make you a bad person, nor does it make you not good enough. In fact, it makes all the stronger – you went through so much as a kid, and still, you have space in your heart for me. You know, I never doubt the fact that you love me, ever. Because you always make me feel special, make me feel good about myself and always make sure that I’m happy. You always go out of your way to take care of me, and you always make me feel at home. I don’t want anyone other than you. I love you so much and I never, ever wanna lose you.”

  I think I’m fully crying now, as Charlie continues, “It’s okay to feel that way. Take your time. But I’m never leaving you. You’re my person, and you’ll always fit in with me, baby. Always.”

  “Charlie…”

  I look at him properly, and I can see the pain in his eyes as a tear traces along the curve of his cheek. He sniffs, saying, “I’m sorry. I just can’t imagine being with anyone other than you.”

  “Why are you so good to me?” I whisper, my throat still tight from the emotions.

  “Because you deserve someone good, and I can only hope that I’m good for you.”

  I wrap my arms around his neck and bury my face in his shoulder as a sob escapes my body. “I’m so sorry, baby. So, so sorry.” I keep whispering that, while he rubs my back, saying ‘it’s okay.’

  “I love you so much, Charlie. Honestly, thanks for being so good to me. You have no idea what you mean to me.”

  I can feel him smile as he says, “I think I have a pretty good idea, yeah.”

***

jatp requests are open <3