#but I am a human being

[peachesofteal]

I try to be really kind on this platform, and I am so grateful for all the love and support I receive here, but when someone writes to me to tell me it’s been too long since I updated something, my last update wasn’t long enough word count wise, or they don’t agree with the choices I’ve made when telling the story-

You do it then. You fucking hop on here and crank out a fic the length of a book, and then start another one, but make sure your updates don’t take too long because then you’ll be letting readers down and by the way, make sure you hit the word count quota, and don’t forget, the story you’re writing needs to accommodate everyone’s opinions on every piece of plot and dialogue. Have fun!

[chargetheintruder]

Just an update.

This week's been a trip. Past two weeks actually. But to keep this short and simple. Okay, that was sarcasm, this is a vent, my apologies.

-- I spent 8 days--until this Monday actually--in the local hospital. Turns out my stomach issues had become critical, to the point that my regular and barbaric use of naproxen sodium to calm my pain down to an audible groan, had caught up with me, given me peptic ulcers in my duodenum, and had nearly bled me out internally. I spent the first 3-4 days just getting stable and getting the needed blood transfusion.

-- The last 4 days were ungodly rough: having doctors and nurses descend on me 3 and 4 at a time barking at me and bullying me into doing a Void Check just so they could take my Foley Catheter away. Like a damned idiot, I went along with it just to shut them up.

NEVER do this. If you have an implanted catheter in you for urinary tract purposes, keep and maintain what you have as long as you can. Because these doctors and nurses DON'T care about your needs if they're demanding this. Sure, they'll say it's about preventing "debris" (for people who have already had kidney stones pre-catheter) and it's about preventing "infections" (and again, if you have the catheter in you you've likely had UTIs anyway with or without the things).

They're feeding you a line of sadistic nonsense is what I'm saying. They're wanting you to transition to a) fucking diapers, and b) to NEVER having clean clothes or clean underwear again in your life. This is just THEIR administrators talking through them, the bosses of the doctors and nurses demanding a Suffering Tax and demanding that your life gets ruined over this. NEVER do this.

-- So, the bastards at the hospital dragged a "six hour" Void Test into ten and a half hours, just to make damned sure I wet myself at least twice, even if I still had nearly a liter of fluid in me that had to be removed by Strike (temporary) catheter anyway. And again, they insisted on diapers. And on this Monday they also insisted on trying to bully me into going into a Nursing home, which would mean I lose everything I have, including ALL income. ALL over the diaper issue. And yes, the joke gets better, check this out.

-- I had actually found out what was wrong with me. Thanks to an Occupational Therapist who was way more into doing her actual job, versus using it as an excuse to play Gaslight, Gatekeep, Girlboss. It turns out I was lucky enough to get an MRI scan done of my lower torso and lumbar spine . . . and yeah, turns out I had multiple old injuries and two stenoses (dangerous narrowings) in my lumbar spinal column, roughly at L2 and L3. No wonder I was in pain and losing mobility and control and feeling down there and in there. And yet . . . the bastards had to use the Diapers thing to Gatekeep me out of seeing the doctor anytime soon. The doctor didn't want to see anyone so "deconditioned" or without control. Indeed if I were fully paranoid I'd swear the whole thing was a ruse just to cough up as much bullshit as possible just so they could force me into a Nursing Home, where I really would be destitute and helpless.

-- Point is I refused to be bullied a second time in four days, and insisted on going home. And two of the nurses snapped in return, retaliating against me by cutting off all access to a) the doctor I was working with and also b) cutting off all access to the Social Worker I was working with. Then they just rushed me the fuck out the door on Monday, sending me home with next to no resources, only 8 of the damned adult diapers, and oh, a butt load of prescriptions, but none of them covering PAIN from either muscle spasm or the spinal injury I had just had confirmed.

-- I spent Tuesday and Wednesday bickering and ranting with my other Social Worker about trying to a) get more diapers and supplies, and b) trying to see the neurology doctor anyway, like this year? And as my luck and misery would have it, I've ran out of diapers long before what was supposed to be my appointment this morning, Today, Thursday, with the neurologist to see if I can get my back repaired somehow. And well . . .

My social worker swore up and down Wednesday that she'd gotten it, that she'd gotten the insurer's ride system to work out. She said they would call me at or before 9:30 a.m. so I could get the ride to my 10:40 a.m. appointment. Nobody ever called or showed up.

-- So yeah, another sadistic adventure in self-control and humiliation failed, I guess. I had to stop eating entirely to keep from pooping or farting for today. Hadn't eaten since noonish on Monday of this week. I had to drink less than a liter of water a day to keep me from wetting myself constantly. I didn't take in water except for taking my meds, morning and night. AND this on only Tylenol (acetaminophen) for pain relief. The bastards were supposed to prescribe me some anti-muscle spasm pain relief too but that never happened, it got OMITTED. So I had to put up with pain spiking up to a NINE on a scale of one to ten (ten being "worst pain I've ever had").

-- So yes, I've been quiet online because I've had to yell at people a LOT in real life lately over real shit. And also an engineered lack of clean, safe underwear that Carle Hospital in general and Carle Urology Department in particular, felt they so, so so had to shove down my throat.

-- And this afternoon, I've cheated. Fuck it. I've taken low doses of the naproxen sodium again, even if it does bleed me to death internally. And I've low-key told myself to "fuck this peptic ulcer diet" because I raided the vending machines, snagged a Pepsi and cheap potato chips (HALF of what I'd normally get, but still), and literally ate for the first time since noonish on Monday.

-- And why? What good did I do to earn this reward? The ride service to the neurologist's never happened. I missed another appointment. Why would I reward myself . . . ?

-- Because I got the chance to and finally DID IT. I VOTED. Granted, it's a Vote By Mail Ballot, so now I have to stay alive long enough to get the thing counted, but still. I finally found a thing to do that wasn't shoved down my throat by bullies at Carle Hospital, and did it. The deed's done.

So yeah. This isn't me here. In terms of my failures. Some of this IS that the healthcare providers can't be bothered to get off their privileged asses and do things? Like this YEAR? Never mind TODAY? Yeah.

Slight Update: And now I have some proof I am being actively gaslit. Yes, by my current Social Worker. She finally called me back at the last possible minute today to apologize for the ride service. She made up some excuse that while they did show up, they didn't have the "right phone number" and were given my "old phone number" as a contact number. Which is . . . interesting when you consider that Medicaid didn't even cover people's using Carle at all back in 2018 to 2019, back when I was in Champaign and still had and used my old phone number. Carle never had my Old Phone Number to give out? YEP. So this chick basically screwed that detail up intentionally to make me mess up.

It's official. My needs and my concerns as a human being just don't count at Carle Hospital or at any of their services. Nope, all they do is line management: their only concern is getting and keeping people IN LINE for every last irrelevant thing they can push, while they ignore clear and present problems that are killing people, like me.

So what's the alternative? OSF HealthCare, which changes its name every few years to slip out of lawsuits, and is basically the "non-profit Catholic Organization" in town that both a) sends you to jail for not being able to pay your bills to them, and b) is ran by a "one size MUST fit all" mentality. Much of C-U (Champaign-Urbana) sees the entity that's been Provena/Covenant/Mercy/OSF as being the place where only the most mediocre doctors and nurses ply their trade. Nobody with any sense wants to be caught there. (and for the longest time, it was the only place in town that consistently accepted Medicaid clients, pre-Obama)

[xbuster]

It’s insane to see that this is Twitter users’ reactions to this when this is just completely normal on Tumblr. Twitter is such a hellscape of privacy violations that standard anonymity features like hidden likes are treated as suspicious.

[glassclownz]

this fucker won’t let me sleep (he’s in my head trying to steal my credit card information)

[bizarrelittlemew]

i can't wait to be 30+ and still in fandom and i can't wait to be 40+ and still in fandom and i can't wait to be 50+ and still in fandom and i can't wait to be 60+ and still in fandom and i can't wait to be 70+ and still in fandom and i can't wait to be 80+ and still in fandom and i can't wait to be 90+ and still in fandom and i can't wait to look back on my life and know that i loved things deeply and passionately and was inspired to create and was part of communities with incredible people from all over the world brought together by the stories that touched us

[monkesupreme]

dense, neutron star of a man. His weight fluctuates based off of the amount of sun hes been exposed to, and the amount of water ingested, so a very healthy kryptonian easily weighs around 350-400 lbs/ 158-181 kgs. Martha quickly traded in her lawn chairs for sturdy, solid wood, rocking chairs for the front porch as he got older, but Clark seems to be drawn to the flimsy lawn chairs like a moth to a flame.

(Hes prone to shouting for his Ma or Pa when hes scared awake, old habit hes never broke out of lol)

Bonus: a regular day for Bruce

[fuckyeahgoodomens]

I am soft 🥺 ❤ (x)

[noviqe]

monster fucker this monster fucker that... what about being a monster lover. What if I just want to cuddle with them and tell them I still love them even if they look and act differently from me

[a-most-beloved-fool]

makes me a little sad when star trek ignores IDIC. like. vulcans are logical. that is true. But 'logical', for vulcans, does not amount to 'without compassion,' and it definitely doesn't amount to 'racial superiority.' Belief in 'infinite diversity in infinite combinations' should NOT result in the weird racist/speciest stuff we're getting in some of the newer treks. It does make sense that some vulcans are discriminatory. They're still flawed. But that should not be common or expected, like it seems to be in SNW. If it is, then it's a race of hypocrites, which. doesn't seem very true to Star Trek's message.

I think TOS Spock does a pretty good job of embodying this. Not always, it was the 60s, after all, but mostly. He was often trying to find non-violent routes, and get by without killing - even if they were in danger or had already been attacked. (See: the mugato, and the horta (until Kirk was the one in danger, lmao. t'hy'la > IDIC), the Gorn ship). Kirk, in his eulogy, calls him the most human soul he's ever known, and I've always read that as Kirk calling out Spock's overwhelming compassion.

It's just so much more interesting when Vulcans get to be radically compassionate. I want them to believe that everything and everyone has value. I want them to respect all ways of being. I want them to find ways for even very non-humanoid aliens to exist unfettered in society. I want them to see hybrids and think that it's amazing. Also, like, disability rep. I want Vulcans to have The Most Accessible Planet and available resources because they want everyone to feel accepted and valued. It makes for better characters and more interesting stories.

[uncanny-tranny]

The leftism/anticapitalism leaving people's bodies the zeptosecond you imply that disabled people who aren't "productive" still matter in society and need to be treated like intrinsic equals who have a place in this world:

[sushiisiu]

thisis so fuckin embarrassing but the spirit of jayvik just wormed its way back into me after i realize how close arcane s2 is

[inkskinned]

the thing is there's like, a point of oversaturation for everything, and it's why so many things get dropped after a few minutes. and we act like millennials or gen z kids "have short attention spans" but... that's not quite it. it's more like - we did like it. you just ruined it.

capitalism sees product A having moderate success, and then everything has to come out with their "own version" of product A (which is often exactly the same). and they dump extreme amounts of money and environmental waste into each horrible simulacrum they trot out each season.

now it's not just tiktokkers making videos; it's that instagram and even fucking tumblr both think you want live feeds and video-first programming. and it helps them, because videos are easier to sneak native ads into. the books coming out all have to have 78 buzzwords in them for SEO, or otherwise they don't get published. they are making a live-action remake of moana. i haven't googled it, but there's probably another marvel or starwars something coming out, no matter when you're reading this post.

and we are like "hi, this clone of project A completely misses the point of the original. it is soulless and colorless and miserable." and the company nods and says "yes totally. here is a different clone, but special." and we look at clone 2 and we say "nope, this one is still flat and bad, y'all" and they're like "no, totally, we hear you," and then they make another clone but this time it's, like, a joyless prequel. and by the time they've successfully rolled out "clone 89", the market is incredibly oversaturated, and the consumer is blamed because the company isn't turning a profit.

and like - take even something digital like the tumblr "live streaming" function i just mentioned. that has to take up server space and some amount of carbon footprint; just so this brokenass blue hellsite can roll out a feature that literally none of its userbase actually wants. the thing that's the kicker here: even something that doesn't have a physical production plant still impacts the environment.

and it all just feels like it's rolling out of control because like, you watch companies pour hundreds of thousands of dollars into a remake of a remake of something nobody wants anymore and you're like, not able to afford eggs anymore. and you tell the company that really what you want is a good story about survival and they say "okay so you mean a YA white protagonist has some kind of 'spicy' love triangle" and you're like - hey man i think you're misunderstanding the point of storytelling but they've already printed 76 versions of "city of blood and magic" and "queen of diamond rule" and spent literally millions of dollars on the movie "Candy Crush Killer: Coming to Eat You".

it's like being stuck in a room with a clown that keeps telling the same joke over and over but it's worse every time. and that would be fine but he keeps fucking charging you 6.99. and you keep being like "no, i know it made me laugh the first time, but that's because it was different and new" and the clown is just aggressively sitting there saying "well! plenty of people like my jokes! the reason you're bored of this is because maybe there's something wrong with you!"

[skunkes]

the restrained sniffer

[lilybug-02]

An alarm clock sounds the end!

Bug Fact: Several insects can hear ultrasonic sound waves, including cockroaches, spiders, wasps, beetles, and flies.

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Masterpost

[clouvu]

Cooking up an older Clervie outfit design so I don't have to keep drawing her looking like her child self but Long

[baeshijima]

thoughts on being engaged to duke!sunday, the head of the oak family, an incredibly influential figurehead within society, the close subordinate of emperor gopher wood who brought him and his sister in and raised him like his own, and the villain who faces a tragic ending in a novel you recently finished — the very same one you just so happen to find yourself transmigrated into. he is as cunning as he is blinded, a trait which brought ruin to many in the empire, and one which ultimately brought ruin to himself at the hands of the protagonists.

as luck would have it, you became a barely mentioned side character from a marquis family, whose role was to be the villain's wife stuck in a one-sided love who, too, would get caught up in the tragedy alongside him. however, now that it's you who is stuck in this position, you're determined to try any means necessary to deter him from going down that path, all in an effort to escape your predestined doomed fate!

of course, you didn't expect it to be easy. the day of your arrival in this world was already the night before your wedding, so you had little time to prepare yourself for the nonchalance of your supposed family, how they viewed you as but a means — a tool — to boost their influence and prosperity, the dismissive mannerisms of the household servants, and the absolute beauty of a man you will be married to.

(seriously. the novel descriptions did not do him justice. he was like... like... like he was handcrafted by god himself! and not to mention his sister, robin, was the very epitome of an angel! perhaps you're destined to perish by the god-tier visuals instead...)

to say the least, the wedding ceremony went by quickly. safe to say you didn't spend the night; he was cordial and gentlemanly upon letting you know that he won't do anything until you're ready, that you can take this relationship slow, but somehow you ended up feeling a tad insulted. like, who leaves their newly wedded alone in a big cold bed as they walk out on their own? a sick bastard that's who!

well, whatever. it's not like you need nor want to consummate with him! besides, you have bigger things to worry about — things such as your impending death. and, of course, the only way to stop sunday that you can imagine working is by chipping away at his resolve bit by bit, and opening his eyes to reality.

he is a tragic character, one who cares more about the well-being of penacony and its people than anyone else, but was manipulated into getting his hands dirty in the emperor's stead. you knew this. you sobbed over his story, cursed out the protagonists, and even fought internet randos on novel forums about sunday's motivation and how,

no, he is not just a stupid villain. he is a complex character with flaws and humanity and was cruelly taken advantage of by someone he considered family. he was deceived through the suffering the emperor wanted him to see to make him easily manipulated, creating a rift between him and robin to have that prominent separation. you know what? maybe you're just a !%#@ who can't even #@?"% read properly!

and yet you still find yourself at a loss when faced with the walls he has in place. your initial efforts went as well as it possibly could have; you trying to earnestly help him, while he "kindly" dismisses your offers! well, "kindly" being more condescending since you could read between the lines of his mannerisms and amiable demeanour, but that's fine! you expected this! that just means you have to double down on your sincerity, get through to his heart (somehow), and help him realise humanity isn't as weak as he's led to believe!

you have three years until the novel's plot officially starts, and another year after that until your demise. that's plenty of time to get him to warm up to you!

it was easier said than done, but after your valiant effort and abundance of time put into this relationship, which admittedly you could do with some of that lost time back, you could give yourself a pat on the back with the progress you made! while you definitely could have done without a lot of the headaches, it's safe to say sunday has significantly warmed up to you in comparison to your wedding day. he now willingly eats all his meals with you with some real conversation, takes garden strolls with you in the early evenings, invites you out for dinner at a restaurant at least four times a week, hell he's even joked and laughed with you more frequently! but most importantly, he has begun asking for your opinion before finalising any decisions he is required to make. and he actually listens and considers your side! now, that certainly is the best outcome you could hope for after all this time, and it most definitely will help in your endeavour to save you both from the protagonists!

however, you've noticed he's been more... affectionate? well, at the very least he now willingly holds your hand when in private (not just in moments when you're in the public eye and he has to make sure the family's reputation is spotless), sometimes he will hug you out of the blue ("i just need to... recharge. you have a way of calming me down. i hope you don't mind." ...how could you say no to his supreme god-tier face card? that's just a losing battle you won't even bother fighting against.), oftentimes he opts to just gaze wordlessly at you (robin had mentioned over one of your tea times how it almost appears as though there is no one but you in the world when sunday gazes at you with, in her words, "the eyes of a man so deeply in love!" ...whatever that's supposed to mean...), but a more recent development has been his sudden interest in kissing you; well, more specifically giving you a kiss to the back of your hand or on your forehead — certainly not anywhere near the lips! (besides, he's probably just gotten comfortable with you, enough where he can freely act without judgement. nothing more, nothing less.)

well, either way, development is development! soon enough, the time for the main plot to start has arrived. it of course follows what you remember, from the organised balls to the protagonists meeting to the political aspects of it all. the only difference is sunday's less active involvement in all the schemes and the emperor's ploy. rather, he seems more focused on you and the future of your marriage and even displayed a sudden interest in your practically non-existent relationship with one of the foreign diplomats, aventurine— wait...

"[name]," he calls your name out so sweetly you nearly disregarded it as someone else he was talking to. well, perhaps you would have done had he not suddenly appeared before you, a tight-lipped smile tugging the corners of his lips as he steadily approaches you.

oh. he doesn't seem very happy, if his tense figure is anything to go by. you wonder if one of the nobles grated his nerves a little too much this time?

sunday comes to a halt a step away from you. "i don't like that... gambler being so close to you. it... it brings me a rather unpleasant feeling." there's a slight, trembling pause. not a moment later does he close the gap between you, one knee on the ground as he matches your seated height on the fountain rim, your hands gently enclosed in both of his.

you idly wonder if this is what robin meant by the so-called "eyes of a man so deeply in love" she constantly gushed about, for the way in which he gazes up at you is enough to render you breathless.

"tell me, [name]," he begins once more. there is an underlying desperation woven within his tone, one which has your head spinning and heart thumping wildly as his trembling gaze holds you in place. "tell me, what am i to do with this fervent love and overwhelming adoration i hold for you?"

oh.

...oh.

perhaps your impending doom should be the least of your concerns when you now find yourself in the arms of a clingy husband...

(though, it's safe to say you did, in fact, manage to prevent him from succumbing to his tragic fate! you just gained a loving, yet slight slightly emotionally challenged husband along the way.

well, you can help him work through it; you have the rest of your lives now to figure it out, after all.)