#but :( she was so clearly annoyed at me
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Colin telling Eloise that she's fortunate because she has never been in love when it's his other half's fault she had to walk away from "one of the only good things" in her life because LW put him in harm's way.
#bridgerton#bridgerton spoilers#bridgerton netflix#eloise bridgerton#theo x eloise#theo sharpe#anti polin#anti colin bridgerton#anti penelope featherington#that line annoys me to no end#the writers may make the on screen characters forgive and forget#not me though#new showrunner and it shows tho#because so many characters are ooc this season#especially violet in regards to how she acted towards john and francesca#the showrunner clearly didn't understand the characters#and you don't need romantic love to be fulfilled platonic and familiar relationships are just as important#edit: looks like eloise kept the book theo gave her i need a sec -
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I don’t care if it’s boring I’m 10000% in love with the idea of Vegeta having a quiet happy domestic home life throughout the 7 year gap and as his end game.
He was raised in an intergalactic mafia and by an absolute miracle got out and was granted his life back. Twice. One of the two last men standing when an entire population gets wiped out. Twice (counting the Freeza Force, by the end of ResF).
His father stopped fighting on the front lines once he became king, to watch over his domain. Frieza didn’t personally get involved in battle (not wipeouts, but actual battle) until Namek. Vegeta was always (told he was) intended to take both their places.
Letting him grow into a protector has been such a great arc and imho it would be so beautifully wrapped by letting him finally get to go home and inherit his crown as the guardian of his new planet.
#I think about it so much#And I talk about the foils moving past each other in opposite directions makes me so happy#Goku spent his life home on Earth and could spend the rest of it having adventures all over the universe.#Vegeta spent his life adventuring all over the universe and could spend the rest of it home on Earth.#Let Broly come to earth too I want to see him be besties with gohan I want to see him be bESTIES WITH PAN#dbtag#silly hours#I just love that Geets wanted so much to be home with his new baby and was immediately robbed of his peace bc Freeza was resurrected agAIN#And every day I think about how he told Whis the only reason he was still training was because Freeza was alive again#And I just think!!! This man deserves to retire and be the domestic dad he so clearly loves being!!!#That’s my hc anyway. Especially now that he KNOWS he can close whatever gap Goku puts between them in terms of skill#I still think Bulma was annoyed with him training all the time during the gap was because she figured it was peacetime and didn’t understan#Until Buu happened and then she definitely understood why he trains during peacetime— I hc she built the island villa like a year after Buu
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You know what I find so funny? That I’ve come across a lot of people on TikTok that have something against this one account that posts pjo content. I do too, I mean I got into an argument with them because they kept saying percabeth is strained because annabeth made Percy feel suicidal. And I ended up blocking them because they made a story saying that percabeth shippers need to calm down in their comment section because we’re crazy or something like that. And I just wanted to scream like this isn’t because you don’t ship percabeth, it’s because you constantly bash annabeth, unintentionally but prominently make Percy this stupid victim that can’t feel for himself, and think pereyna and Perachel had better development (not to bash pereyna or Perachel shippers, but in canon, this is just obviously not true). And I thought I was the only one who had something against this person but now people are speaking up about it I guess and I think it’s so funny because I’ve BEEN having problems with them.
#anyways#thanks for reading my rant#I didn’t name this person but their username still haunts me#I won’t get into an argument if you don’t ship percabeth or if you don’t like Annabeth#but when you misinterpret evrrything(*cough cough* make things up) just to feel validated for hating her then we got a problem#because at the same time you’re mischaracterizing Percy so much#and it’s like youre really contradicting yourself by saying he deserved better but then blatantly not understanding his character#like no you shouldn’t be talking about knowing what a character needs when you clearly didn’t even understand the character at all#sorry#the rage from the argument I had with them came back to me#pjo#percy jackson#percy jackson and the olympians#annabeth chase#heroes of olympus#hoo#anti annabeth antis#anti percabeth antis#you can not ship it but being anti it??#get away from me#antis ruin the vibe#percabeth#anti annabeth bashing#rant#pjo rant#pjo tiktok#there’s also this other creator on tt that has millions of followers but has made so many videos explaining how Annabeth is the weakest#and not powerful#and it’s like why are you so eager and loud about sharing that and letting everyone know that#like duh she has no powers but he constantly brings it up and it got annoying
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All evidence suggests yes
#starting a new power scaling system for the warlords of the sea but im rating them based on whether i think theyre an ally or homophobic#kuma is an ally because photos dont lie and hes clearly wearing an ally pin#also you cant spend that much time around somebody with the title “Queen of the Queers” and somehow be homophobic afterwards#unless youre sanji but hes still on his internalized homophobia growth arc. i believe in you buddy you can beat this#crocodile is trans and baroque works is the alphabet mafia in a literal form#with that said. he has the energy of “im not homophobic yall are just annoying”#doffy has the energy of a homophobic homosexual#like hed kiss a guy and then call him a f*g and throw him out a nearby window#jimbei joins the strawhats so ofc HES an ally#blackbeard sucks but i dont think hes homophobic#hes one of those people you meet and theyre just the worst all around and youre like “man this guy has gotta be homophobic”#somebody mentions their partner and you go “oh boy here it is” but he just has no reaction whatsoever#hes such a problem but at least hes not homophobic on top of everything else#Gecko Moria is such a virgin that i dont think he knows being gay exists any more than he knows being straight does#Typa MFer who thinks “sex” is just a synonym for gender#also hed see your top scars and get excited because he thinks youre a zombie#gecko moria probably thinks LGBT is an acronym for some branch of the navy that he doesnt know (or care) about#Because Boa lives on Sapphic island i would jump the gun and immediately say she's an ally but i feel that its more complicated than that#not unlike moria. she also doesnt actually have a real strong grasp on being straight vs being queer#but thats just because shes used to everybody being whipped for her equally#somebody tries to explain it to her and shes just like “??? but theyre all obsessed with me?”#if she ever encounters a gay man it will be a reality shifting event for her#id say itd be the same if she met a sex/romance indifferent aroace but like#monkey d luffy#its already happened#mihawk is probably both an ally and queer himself but he just minds his own business so much that we may never know#one piece#seven warlords#warlords of the sea#bartholomew kuma
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i request monetary compensation from all the bitches in season 4 who were whining at jon about how immoral it was for him to ask people questions when apparently he could have been making people run to death or otherwise kill them after forcing statements (without even having to ask a question). y'all got the nicest version of what the archivist could be and you were assholes about it for no reason, shame shame i know your name
#personal#the magnus protocol#tmagp#tmagp spoilers#i forget sometimes how much characters who were jon peter or elias annoyed the shit out of me this season#cuz CLEARLY jon asking someone 'tell me a story' on their commute is nOT the worst thing he could do#(which y'all already knew because gertrude had a fucking body count. in the hundreds. but i digress)#the archivist in this reality is clearly a much more malicious position than it ever was when jon was in the role#and likely was that way even before the institute's destruction messed with the actual archives#considering the archivist seems to have been trapped in the ruins of the institute the entire time until sam and alice released it#all these fuckers owe jon an apology#get og basira back so she can fucking grovel#and og melanie too (well actually not because unpopular opinion time but i do Not care for melanie)#(i love lydia but idk if i'm willing to suffer through melanie to get her i'll just relisten to rq gaming or smth)
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Is this fanfic friendly? I feel like an outlier.
I guess this is my sign it's time to throw together a FAQ post to link to lol.
Yes, every event for this blog is fanfic friendly :D
Though as I mentioned on my Ominous October post, for events that include multiple short stories, I encourage everyone to flex their creativity and take one of their planned short story fanfics, and at least *attempt* to turn one of them into something entirely original; rebuilding a character and story from the ground up to stand on its own two legs is no easy feat, and that is what makes it so fun!
It really gets your creative gears turning, to make an "au of an existing material" to be something entirely original, and you can be pleasantly surprised about the things you come up with!
As a few people say, its not just a matter of "filing the serial numbers off" -- you have to add in just as much *or more* as what you take out when you are turning a fanfiction into something that is original and completely divorced from its original source material / inspiration, and that is a hard, but very rewarding challenge!
Obviously, this is not a requirement (there's no hard requirements for any of the challenges, other than no cheating, including no using AI),
but if you would like an extra challenge for the short story events and you're planning on doing entirely fan-fiction, I highly recommend trying it out at least once, and seeing where it leads you--
you may find yourself pleasantly surprised by what you find down that rabbit hole!
#replies#novella november#long rambly tags to follow lol#including anti royalist / anti billionaire shit#ominous october#this is what my novella november is going to be#something that WAS a huge earth-shattering fanfic AU#but before I even got past a WIP Oneshot I'd already realized that what I was planning was going to turn canon so far on its head it would#be unrecognizable and it would be much better off and more coherent if I made it entirely original#so now it is!#not only does this involve changing every single characters name#everyone is now a completely different species other than human because thats always fun#and of course we're also tackling all the issues that had annoyed me in omega verse fics since I was like 14 and liked the#creature aspects but hated the biological essentialism and misogny / caste systems#if your fantasy people have an enforced caste system you gotta actually treat that like the horror and systemic oppression it is#not just say 'biological = right' like dude what do you think people have been saying about real women this whole time????#people literally insist women are biologically inferior to men do you really think supporting that idea is going to make you sound#progressive just because your main character is a tomboy independant woman?#also like she lost all her independence as soon as she found a man to marry so uhhhhh#what happened to being ready and willing to hit the bricks if people kept talking down to you and condescending you for being a woman????#why did you go from independant badass tomboy to fainting damsel who spends all her time worrying about failing to produce an heir#so her husband can take power#instead of just straight up telling your husband#'hey I don't want to deal with the bullshit from your father how about we do the-#- socially acceptable thing and just go off to make our own independant settlement with some of the villagers who are on your side'#like your husband would literally be escstatic about this idea of finally getting out from under his dad's tyrannical thumb#and its more like way more than half the villagers would go with you not just a handful#theyve been sick of the kings shit for years and only your husband's potential rise to rule kept them in check#cus he actually cares about the villagers and goes among them#while still clearly having some biases to work through when it comes to class and gender equality
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I’m so sick of the tiktok rep tv conspiracy theorists
#I understood clowning a little for last weekend since it was reps bday#but even then it was CLEAR she wouldn’t release it so close to 1989#it just annoys me#they only seem to care about being right and Taylor releasing tv albums as fast as possible#which is clearly not what she’s doing
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examining a seemingly normal image only to slowly realize the clear signs of AI generated art.... i know what you are... you cannot hide your true nature from me... go back where you came from... out of my sight with haste, wretched and vile husk
#BEGONE!!! *wizard beam blast leaving a black smoking crater in the middle of the tumblr dashboard*#I think another downside to everyone doing everything on phone apps on shitty tiny screens nowadays is the inability to really see details#of an image and thus its easier to share BLATANTLY fake things like.. even 'good' ai art has pretty obvious tells at this point#but especially MOST of it is not even 'good' and will have details that are clearly off or lines that dont make sense/uneven (like the imag#of a house interior and in the corner there's a cabinet and it has handles as if it has doors that open but there#are no actual doors visible. or both handles are slightly different shapes. So much stuff that looks 'normal' at first glance#but then you can clearly tell it's just added details with no intention or thought behind it. a pattern that starts and then just abruptly#doesn't go anywhere. etc. etc. )#the same thing with how YEARS ago when I followed more fashion type blogs on tumblr and 'colored hair' was a cool ''''New Thing''' instead#of being the norm now basically. and people would share photos of like ombre hair designs and stuff that were CLEARLY photoshop like#you could LITERally see the coloring outside of the lines. blurs of color that extend past the hair line to the rest of the image#or etc. But people would just share them regardless and comment like 'omg i wish I could do this to my hair!' or 'hair goallzzzz!! i#wonder what salon they went to !!' which would make me want to scream and correct them everytime ( i did not lol)#hhhhhhggh... literally view the image on anything close to a full sized screen and You Will SEe#I don't know why it's such a pet peeve of mine. I think just as always I'm obsessed with the reality and truth of things. most of the thing#that annoy me most about people are situations in which people are misinterpreting/misunderstanding how something works or having a misconc#eption about somehting thats easily provable as false or etc. etc. Even if it's harmless for some random woman on facebook to believe that#this AI generated image of a cat shaped coffee machine is actually a real product she could buy somewhere ... I still urgently#wish I could be like 'IT IS ALL AN ILLUSION. YOU SEE???? ITS NOT REALL!!!!! AAAAA' hjhjnj#Like those AI shoes that went around for a while with 1000000s of comments like 'omg LOVE these where can i get them!?' and it's like YOU#CANT!!! YOU CANT GET THEM!!! THEY DONT EXIST!!! THE EYELETS DONT EVEN LINE UP THE SHOES DONT EVEN#MATCH THE PATTERNS ARE GIBBERISH!! HOW CAN YOU NOT SEE THEY ARE NOT REAL!??!!' *sobbing in the rain like in some drama movie*#Sorry I'm a pedantic hater who loves truth and accuracy of interpretation and collecting information lol#I think moreso the lacking of context? Like for example I find the enneagram interesting but I nearly ALWAYS preface any talking about it#with ''and I know this is not scientifically accurate it's just an interesting system humans invented to classify ourselve and our traits#and I find it sociologically fascinating the same way I find religion fascinating'. If someone presented personality typing information wit#out that sort of context or was purporting that enneagram types are like 100% solid scientific truth and people should be classified by the#unquestionaingly in daily life or something then.. yeah fuck that. If these images had like disclaimers BIG in the image description somewh#re like 'this is not a real thing it's just an AI generated image I made up' then fine. I still largely disagree with the ethics behind AI#art but at least it's informed. It's the fact that people just post images w/o context or beleive a falsehood about it.. then its aAAAAAA
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i'm for sure not finishing veilguard. i set it down a while and tried again and ahh i'm just not enjoying it. the characters dont have a depth im looking for.. the insertion of a writer's white guilt onto the elves that are based on real life indigenous people and have been in-games enslaved and treated horrifically and are the ones who don't have "real" gods that are actually just blighted tyrants. everything with taash and the qunari. the gameplay was fun for a while but then it made my hand so numb i couldnt do anything for a week. the last straw was taash's gender talk that suddenly turned into picking a cultural identity for them to align with out of nowhere and then soon after learning that Another antagonist is of course an elf. starting to feel like their implying that all elves become evil when given power jfc. i think i'm actually done with it it started making me feel gross and bored. i don't care if you enjoy it or not, everyone's got a different threshold it just crossed mine.
#i wish i'd told my brother to not get it for me but he was so excited to get me a gift. i would have rather pirated it#i wanted to be hopeful they'd have made more strides since dai since it had seemed to be getting better ish.#but the bioware team clearly don't think mulicultural people are 'true to themselves' or that arab people are well. People.#or that anyone could enjoy and align with the religion that is heavily modeled after islam. ofc it's just stifling and constraining right.#everyone who follows it is evil and awful and the fucking. blighted qunari turning into literal giant monsters when nobody else is affected#like that. what the Fuck.#how did it get More racist than dragon age 2.#anyway. long chatter short i think my final personal onion is that i do not like the game and i kind of wish it didnt exist. thumbs up#there's cool concepts in there but.. the racism got Worse. the established lore was tossed out the window. the music is forgettable.#the pacing is off. the therapy talk gets annoying after a while. my favorite things are: davrin and assan. davrin is so funny also his bo#also neve. i love neve i wish her story was more..... More. i like that she got upset at her city being destroyed even though she didnt#want to blame my character she couldnt help herself from blaming him. mixed feelings on how gender is incorporated. could be better but it'#good for a triple a game. wish they used the established in-universe terms for being trans but eh.#i wish the world wasn't so sanititized down. it feels like a desire for everything to be 'good' and perfect but it makes it feel hollow#and like a kind of immature unwillingness to tackle hard subjects but well. that's a running theme of the lead writer of this game lmao
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arya: if there’s so much i must be can i still just be me the way i am?
sansa: can i trust in my own heart or am i just one part of some big plan?
#once again i say. i’m cooking here.#fuck you seasons 7 and 8 for being so fucjing dark. fuck.#affc is sad i gotta cheer myself up somehow.#i’m about to add so many tags to this and be so annoying get ready#sansa stark#arya stark#the sun and moon in endless chase#ned stark#twow speculation#catelyn stark#ados speculation#brienne of tarth#i like to post at all hours so u never know my schedule but this is clearly something i made when i should have been sleeping#LISTEN THAT ARYA CHAPTER WAS ROUGH! I WAS SAD MY GIRL WAS STRESSED!!!! SHE IS 8 SHE SHOULD BE WATCHING BLUEY AND DRINKING FROM A JUICE BOX.#also i say…..this is book verse this is me Predicting by Showing You The Path.#They Will Reconcile.#I Will Get Happy Stark Sisters.#getting on my soap box#rani graphics
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Me normally: Let people love what they love
Me, after a Test Match Special commentator expresses their belief that the new All Creatures Great and Small is somehow "better" than the 1978 version: This is pure insanity and TMS can no longer be trusted on anything, how can they even be trusted to know about cricket, do they have no TASTE
#Look it's fine that this show exists and people will watch it and like it and that's ok maybe it's just not for me#But that was like a statement purely designed to piss me off#There were lots of issues with the 1978 adaptation! I still vastly preferred the books any day!#And I actually initially had high hopes for the new one because they at least cast a Scot (albeit a Highlander not a Clydesider) as James#And the actors at least looked a little bit younger than Christopher Timothy and Robert Hardy#And thank god Helen actually sounds like she's a farmer's daughter and doesn't speak RP!#But from the half hour I've seen of it I've had to write off this new adaptation#For two major reasons#First of all there's Siegfried#Siegfried is one of the key central aspects of the vibe of the books and therefore key to any adaptation#Robert Hardy was too short and too old for the part but he lived and breathed the character#The twinkle in the eye bouncing off the walls and in and out of rooms followed by half a dozen dogs utterly full of life even when angry#But this new Siegfried is just sort of... Eeyore-esque; he comes into a room and you can see the flowers droop and the set turn grey#Siegfried was angry Siegfried was happy and the historical character he was based on was no stranger to melancholy#Since Donald Sinclair did commit suicide or rather self-euthanasia after Alf Wight and his own wife Audrey died#But this slow grumbly figure in the new adaptation is not Siegfried Farnon- the book character didn't grumble more often he exploded#And why did the adaptation give him a dead wife that's so weird? What could that possibly add to the source material?#And this brings me onto my second problem which is to do with women and age#Firstly I have no idea why they aged down Mrs Hall or at least made her look younger than a woman her age would have back then#But what really drove me mad was when Heriot goes out to see some old woman hill farmer in the episode I saw#And this woman is far too clean and young-looking and you can see that she's wearing 'natural' look make-up#And a perfect set of clothes that looked like they were straight out of the House of Bruar autumn collection catalogue#Say what you like about the 1978 adaptation but old women looked like old women regardless of whether or not they wore make-up#It may be that the better quality of television screens means that the 'natural look' shows up on screen more clearly than it would have#But natural look make-up was not really a thing in the 1930s and for old women Yorkshire hill farmers I doubt they'd have much on at all#They just don't seem to be capable of allowing people to look old and wrinkled and real or have bad teeth or unattractive clothes#And everything is far too tidy- everybody looks far too perfectly country and quaint#Anyway the moral of this story is of course that I always recommend reading the books because they're much better#than any tv adaptation; but if forced to choose at least the 1970s one felt real and yet didn't have to be grim either#Ok that's my rant over please do feel free to enjoy the show I just got annoyed because the opinion was expressed on TMS
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my actual child, whom i birthed and raised.
#why does she look so small and why can’t i fold my wrists to that extreme#she laid here for 45 minutes and was purring so loudly the entire time#then 5 minutes ago she decided she was Over It and she stood up; STRONGLY considered smacking me;#thought better of it; and walked away to eat her dinner#i said ‘thank you for getting better at walking away when you’re annoyed and overstimulated instead of lashing out.’#the other night i was brushing her and when she’d had enough she walked several feet away and sat down#normally she would smack the brush out of my hand#i know she doesn’t do things out of malice; she just doesn’t always communicate very clearly#she’ll continually show I Enjoy This body language and then in a split second she’s like I Hate This Actually.#cats#it’s sushi#(literally)
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i love the fact that both Artemy and Clara can sleep in Daniil’s bed
imagine Daniil coming back to the Stillwater after a long, exhausting day, trudging up the stairs, ready to finally get some rest, and there’s these two conked out in his bed
(Artemy was definitely there first. Clara came second, saw him already asleep, and instead of, you know, going back to her own fuckin house, crawled right into the bed next to him and nestled against him like a kitten seeking warmth)
Daniil is just like, “what the fuck”
#sleeping in dan’s bed as clara is the funniest to me because of the beef they have with each other#he clearly thinks she’s annoying and he STILL lets her sleep in his bed#also does daniil get into the bed with them? does he just cut his losses and sit on the floor#does he take eva’s bed or trudge all the way to the shelter?#i do love the idea of all three of them cramming into that tiny ass bed#because his bed is SMALL#they’re practically piled on top of each other#someone definitely falls off (it’s daniil)#clara is the only one who is comfortable because i just know that girl can sleep anywhere#especially with the warmth of other people? she’s so comfy#she’s probably cozied up in between them#*artemy voice* ‘at least one of us will get a good night’s sleep tonight’#*daniil voice* ‘YOU HAVE YOUR OWN HOUSE’#pathologic#pathologic hd#pathologic classic hd#pathologic 2#daniil pathologic#daniil dankovsky#the bachelor pathologic#clara the changeling#clara pathologic#clara saburova#artemy pathologic#artemy burakh#the haruspex#artemy x daniil
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people doing this whole "look at how rhaenys acted with corlys's bastard son vs how catelyn acted with jon snow" to demonize one or the other is weird because, like, maybe it's just me, but i think that catelyn and rhaenys had different reactions because they're different people in different situations.
#personal#like they're clearly very different people with different personalities#hell even the situations are different#rhaenys kinda stumbles upon corlys's bastard whose name i don't know cuz i'm not watching this season just kinda in passing#she knew he existed but didn't really have to deal with it at all#meanwhile ned comes home with this baby he says is a product of cheating and just goes 'he's living here now'#there's no space for catelyn to separate herself from the betrayal of fidelity the way that there likely was for rhaenys#like i'm not catelyn's biggest fan#not just because of her treatment of jon (altho yeah i'll be honest i'm not a fan) but there's stuff about her personality#and how she views the world and what being in her head is like that can rub me the wrong way#(she's just so constantly judgy and rude about nearly everyone she doesn't know and even some that she does and it can get exhausting)#but she's a different person to rhaenys and also occupies a different role than she does#rhaenys has a lot more going for her in her marriage than just being corlys's wife#she's got the bluer blood as a targaryen princess she's got a dragon she's got power and influence in her own right#meanwhile catelyn doesn't have nearly as much#she's a lord's daughter yeah but in this entirely new kingdom where she is now her power comes from being ned's wife#and mother to his children#in her head jon is a threat to that power due to being not only a reminder of ned's infidelity but also how his placement could supplant#her children and thus herself by extension#along with her just having a different personality to rhaenys that makes her harsher about it#(i mean i still don't LIKE that she takes it out on jon who certainly didn't ask to be born but i at least understand from characterization#and again: they're different people! no shit they'd react differently!#i'm just baffled at this attempt to pit GOT characters against HOTD characters all the time it's so weird#like now there's people arguing who's better between jace and robb stark and i'm just left baffled#do y'all literally not know how to consume content in any other way except petty fandom wars? my god you're annoying
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Workforce Tuvok is my cringefail babygirl
#why are you a Vulcan suffering from dysphoria syndrome?? So you can get held down by other men???#I really want to know what 'humorous anecdotes' he had to share.....I love him so much#I love that without his Vulcan discipline he becomes even more clearly annoying <3<3 explaining a joke TO the guy who TOLD IT to him#+ laughing SUPER hard at someone else being 'humiliated'#Also Janeway looooves being romantically quirky in an old romance movie way and idk how else to describe it#Neelix: If I had a tarynian nickle for everytime I had to rehabilitate a friend who'd lost all their memories I'd have two nickles#which isn't a lot but-#st voyager memes#bea art tag#OH! Janeway seems like she's two seconds away from swinging herself around a lamp post in the rain with a dazzling smile on her face#Workforce Tuvok (and thus normal Tuvok) contains so many multitudes...he is SO friendly he is VERY annoying he is SCARED of needles#he is OFF putting and PUSHY and he is KIND <3#He seems like if I made a mistake he'd VERY loudly laugh and point it out but also help me correct it while telling a story about himself#Literally a CRIME that Tuvok and Neelix didn't interact in this ep they would've become buds#another crime is that Tuvok does nothing in the second half of the episode v_v not even a little 'ribbon scene' at the end#Janeway: Thank you so much Chakotay and only Chakotay for helping get us all out of there <3#Tuvok in the background: ..........................................................................................#the 'ribbon scene' would have been between him and Seven - she completed the research he started v_v
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The thing is I am definitely not happy or chill in the Immediate Sense lately but I am, big picture, so fucking happy with the person I am.
It's like. My brain was made by and for consistent trauma and since that trauma stopped about 5-7 years ago, it is incredible what the amount of resilience and cleverness and flexibility and thoughtfulness I developed to survive can do when it's not being all spent on surviving. like I had a hundred ton weight on me so I had to get REALLY STRONG to stay in the same place and not get 100% crushed, and when that weight came off I found I can use the strength it used to take to stand up and I can leap tall buildings in a single bound.
I was talking to my mum the other day and she said, "you've got the 'fuck it' energy at 30 that most women don't find until their fifties at least" and I'm like yeah man. Imagine how unstoppable I'll be in 20 years.
#red said#i don't know that i can express this clearly but it's the most encouraging thing in my life#my mum's always been proud of me but just lately she seems to actually really admire me#like she's genuinely impressed. she thinks I've surpassed her. i don't necessarily agree but it's a really nice quiet joy.#anyway like this sounds super up myself and it kind of is.#but also it's part of realising just how heavy the weight I've been carrying around with me for 25 years was#like not to be ridiculous but i have realised again this week. that it isn't that everyone's been raped that much and doesn't talk about it#i just have been raped an Unusually Consistent Amount. i have spoken to a lot of people who have had much more horrifying things happen.#I'm not sure I've talked to more than a couple of people who've had a similar level of total consistency of abuse from all angles#and the one is not heavier or harder to bear that the other. but. i think i spent most of my life listening to people's awful experiences#and going ok well nothing i went through looked that bad so it's microtrauma#obviously microtraumas build up but still.#then the older i get and the more i have these conversations the more I notice that stuff which to me is a microtrauma#is a lot of people's defining trauma. and they're reacting appropriately which means i am SO SEVERELY UNDERREACTING#told my friend the other day about a time someone who i still like and respect was having sex with me when i paralocated my hip#and then just kept getting really annoyed with me for not being ready to have sex again while i was literally crying with pain#until i caved and just tried to find the last painful position#and my friend was like pal what the fuck that's horrific#and i was like i mean no that's normal I've had sex with like maybe 3 or 4 people in my life who i haven't had similar stuff with#like i am genuinely thrown when i am allowed to say no to sex and have it be the end of the conversation. and not end up having sex#out of guilt or out of physical coercion or through physical rape. and i have had sex with probably like 40 people at this stage?#and I'm not sure it's as many as 4 i haven't had that experience with tbh#so like. I'm slowly coming to terms with the idea#that i may have actually been doing a hell of a lot of heavy lifting.#like i developed a sense of self that can survive being constantly crushed and at this stage is fucking diamond.
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