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petertingle-yipyip · 1 year ago

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MAD AT GOD - MATT MURDOCK

Season Three - I’m Not Sorry

tags: @ironprincessstranger @johnmurphys-sass @dusstory @americaarse @astrobees @mayasaurus--rex @woowwwee // seven // finale // masterlist

Pairing: Matt x Livia

Word Count: 7,735

Summary: Moves and countermoves. The cat and mouse game nearly draws to a close as Nelson and Murdock reunite in a last ditch effort to finish things from the right side of the law.

Truthfully, the reveal went better than you had expected. After a few questions and a bit of yelling, Ray was willing to hear you two out. You explained about getting his wife and son out of the line of fire. Ray suggested they leave New York all together but you knew Fisk would be watching all airports and seaports. You were going to offer to call Natasha, see if her billionaire buddy could spare some space but Matt said he knew someone to ask.

While Matt made his call, you asked Ray to go and get Seema and Sami.

Next thing you knew, you were driving Ray and his frazzled family to your apartment. From there, Brett took them in his car while you and Matt headed upstairs. You were both quick to change into something that would catch little to no attention before rushing back into the streets.

You and Matt walked together, his cane in one hand and the other arm linked through yours. Your body was growing heavy with every step and it almost felt as Matt had to hold you up as the weight of your latest string of endeavors began settling on your shoulders, making your latest collection of wounds thump with a heavy pulse. As if he knew that - which he probably did - he gave you a gentle nudge with his elbow.

“Can I ask you something?” He said suddenly, the rhythmic glide of his cane the only other noise on the street.

“Sure.” You nodded.

“Sister Ma- My mother told me that you look at me like I hung the stars.” He began carefully, measuring your reaction. “Is that true?”

“I mean… Did you?” You tried and he chuckled. “I know you didn’t hang the stars but…” You looked up at the night sky, only able to see pinpricks of light past the yellow glow of street lamps but that was more than what you had seen in months. “They’ve always been brighter when you’re around.” You turned back to the path you were walking. “Even now… Days are warmer. Flowers smell sweeter. It’s like everything quiets down and life isn’t so bad. You know what I mean?”

“Yeah.. I think I do.” He answered softly.

“Alright, alright. Don’t get all mushy on me now.” You joked as you nudged him with your shoulder, earning another small laugh. “I thought you were this whole super dark, brooding vigilante right now.”

“I guess you bring out a better side.” He said honestly. “You bring back Matt Murdock.”

“I thought you were leaving him behind.”

“I thought so, too.”

You two met up with Foggy just as Brett was pulling up with Ray and his family. You thanked Brett’s mom as she welcomed you in and she was as kind as you could’ve expected. Brett helped the family get settled while the rest of you waited in the living room.

There was tension brewing in the bedroom as Ray and Seema talked and you felt bad. You wanted to go and help Ray explain, maybe take some of the blame so their marriage didn’t implode, but that felt like a massive overstep. It was clear that Ray loved Seema and she loved him, but that betrayal would be hard to move past. Instead, you pulled some of that tension into your chest in hopes of them having a rational conversation.

You cleared your throat once it hit you and gave Mrs. Mahoney another thanks before heading outside, claiming to need air. Matt was quick to follow but Foggy stayed behind to talk to her.

“You okay?” Matt asked, putting a hand on your back as you leaned against the bars.

“Huh? Yeah, just… Sometimes it’s harder to block stuff out, especially when I’m tired.” You explained, rubbing your eyes. “I could feel the pain and everything from Ray’s wife. I feel like some of this is my fault..”

“How could it be your fault?”

“I didn’t stop this.” You sighed and turned to lean your back against the railing so you could cross your arms. “You were right. I should’ve just made sure this didn’t happen. Now a perfectly happy marriage is gonna be destroyed because Fisk used Ray.”

“You can’t control everything, sweetheart.”

“What about Sami? That little boy looks up to his father like he lifts the sun every morning. And now, what? He loses that because of a jackass like Fisk? That’s not fair, to either of them.”

“I know.” Matt agreed softly. “But if this works, and we get Fisk put away, Ray’s family will be safe.”

“But Seema won’t trust him again.”

“You trust me?”

“What?”

“After all the lies and the stuff I’ve put you through, everything I’ve said to you recently, do you trust me?”

“With my life.”

He gave a small smile and put a hand on your elbow. “Then I think they can get through this.”

Foggy came out soon after and talked to Matt for a minute. You were glad that you two were able to convince Matt to at least try the legal route. If that fell through, you weren’t exactly sure what would happen next. But that was a bridge you would cross if you got to it.

“So what now?” Ray sighed as he met you guys outside.

“You’re gonna testify against Fisk, after you hire them to represent you.” You answered.

“Represent me?” Ray questioned at the same time Foggy said “Them?”

“Rahul Nadeem, meet the brilliant minds behind Nelson and Murdock, attorneys at law.” You gestured to the boys.

“I thought your old firm packed it up.”

“Everyone loves a comeback story.”

“I don’t know about this, Yersova.”

“These two are the best attorneys I know. You’re in good hands.”

“What about you? How do you fit into everything?”

“I can serve as an additional testimony or a character witness, but I’m pretty sure there’s a conflict of interest card to be pulled if I help represent you while still at the bureau. Even for me, there’s limits to what I can get away with.��

“You’re not leaving?”

“Not yet, at least. With Dex still after us, I need to keep an eye on him. There’s no need for guessing what he does or doesn’t know if I can stay close enough.”

“Smart.” He nodded.

“She’s always been the brains of this trio.” Foggy threw an arm over your shoulders. “We won't let you down, Ray.”

“You, Seema, Sami.” You agreed. “We’re gonna do everything we can to help your family.”

“I know… Thank you, Livia.”

Early the next morning, you and Matt brought Ray to Fogwell’s.

“This is where you went?” You asked him as you walked in, already seeing Karen in there. She gave you a small smile and you waved slightly.

“Nobody knows about this place. We’ll be safe here.” Matt shrugged and headed to the back room.

You patted Ray on the shoulder and gestured to the table Karen was set up at before following Matt down the short hall.

“You alright?” He asked without turning to face you.

“Yeah, just tired.” You leaned back against the wall. “And those two don’t like each other very much so..” You gave a small smile.

“You don’t have to do this if you don’t wanna.” He offered, putting his hands on your arms.

“Yeah I do.” You sighed and grabbed onto the material of his shirt. “For a second, can we just… take a moment? Forget about everything out there and between us and just…”

He smiled softly and stepped closer, moving one hand to the side of your head. He leaned down and pressed his forehead gently against yours. You took a deep breath and let go of his shirt so you could wrap your arms around his waist. Your head dropped to his shoulder and he chuckled slightly as he put a hand to the back of your head. His other hand was on your lower back as he pressed a gentle kiss to the side of your head.

As Matt held her close, very few things plagued his mind. Most of them were what he noticed about her. The tension in her muscles. The thrum of her pulse. The rise and fall of her chest. The way her arms were locked together, as if to keep him with her. He wondered how he could ever be so stupid as to walk away from her.

The other thoughts that he could put to words were small, selfish prayers. He prayed that there’d be more to their story, that it was a new first page rather than where it would end. He knew his thoughts echoed her name since he realized he was alive, every day until he saw her again. And then even more after. He left her too soon. He always knew that, whether he’d admit it or not. And now, as she was clinging to him like she was drowning and he was her lifeboat, he prayed that she wasn’t truly in love with someone else. That no one else was waiting for her.

After taking a minute to enjoy each other’s company and take a breath, you two headed back into the main room. Karen and Ray were wrapping up their previous conversation, punctuating the tension in the room as Matt began talking about getting Ray’s family out of town.

“We were thinking overseas, maybe a friend or a distant relative.” Karen offered tightly, almost instantly snapping into focus.

“My brother’s wife has a cousin in Bihar.” Ray nodded. “I never liked him.”

“I can get them on a flight as early as tonight.” You said plainly. “But I’m guessing Fisk is watching the airports for exactly this so they’d have to fly outta Montreal, but a car is just as easy to get.”

“They’ll be watching my bank accounts.” Ray tried.

“We’ll cover it.” Matt promised and you nodded with a gentle, reassuring smile. You pulled your phone and messaged your old friend Rick, telling him you needed some help.

“Thanks.. But it might be more than I deserve.”

“Look, you… you hurt people.” Karen answered. “But it doesn’t define you.” She took a glance towards you.

“I’ve done worse than you have, believe me.” You offered honestly. “If I can have my life, so can you, Ray.”

Your phone rang in your hands as Matt sent Ray off. You stepped to the far corner and answered, turning your back to your friends as the conversation started.

“Long time, Alivia.” Rick said happily.

“Hasn’t been that long.. I had you help get someone out not too long ago.”

“No, Natasha called me for that.”

“Yeah, but it was for me so potato tomato.”

“I don’t think that’s how it goes.”

“But you knew what I meant.”

“Yeah, yeah. So what do you need this time?”

“Trip to Bihar for a mom and her son.”

He let out a long sigh. “Bihar, huh?”

“But they can’t fly out from New York, so I’ll need a car to Montreal.”

“And a car out of the country? Alivia, this one’ll probably clear out your tab and then some.”

“Yeah, well, if it doesn’t, can you cash out the rest and give it to them?”

“Why are these people important to you?”

“Since when do you ask questions?”

He chuckled slightly. “Tell you what, I still have that little buried airstrip outside New York. They can fly with a friend of mine from there so it’s cheaper and I’ll cover the car.”

“Look at you, going soft.” You teased. “How much does that leave for them?”

“Somewhere around $600.”

“Can you make it $850 and I'll send a check for the rest?”

“I can give them $800 and call it even.”

“You’re the best, Rick. Thank you.”

“I’ll call you when it’s ready. Where am I getting them from?”

“I’ll get you the address when you need it.”

“Seriously?”

“With what I’m getting them away from, I can’t take any chances. It’s nothing personal.”

“Still all business, eh?” He joked and you frowned to yourself. “No worries, Alivia. We’ll talk soon. And hey?”

“Yeah?”

“Call your cousin.”

“Goodbye, Rick.”

“I’m serious!”

“I know.” You laughed before ending the call and heading back to the table.

You sat beside Matt as Karen stepped out and he turned towards you. He put a hand on your leg and you leaned your head against his shoulder. He huffed a small chuckle before giving your leg a pat. He stood to go change, leaving you in the small room alone. You let out a deep sigh and wondered how you had gotten to that point.

How were you pitted against Fisk again? How had he swooped your partner right out from under you? How had your vigilante persona been dangled over your head as leverage? How was your career at the FBI suddenly dirtier than any work you did for Dreykov?

Maybe your life was going exactly as it was supposed to. Or maybe something diverted it so far off track that it would be nothing but chaos from here on out.

Maybe you should’ve just taken Homeland’s offers to disappear after the carousel.

Ray came back in during your quiet contemplation and paced the small room. Your eyes glanced up, only for a moment, before reverting your soft gaze to the table.

“Can I ask you something?” Ray said tentatively.

“Is it about Exodus?” Your brows raised as you faced him again. You saw the man had stopped walking and was now facing you, fidgeting with his fingers. The uncertainty radiated off him so you gave a small, reassuring smile and waved for him to go ahead.

“How did Dex know? About you?”

“When we got into his apartment, after you left, Matt and I were heading to the roof. Dex threw a piece of glass and it cut the band for my mask. When I grabbed it, he saw me.”

“Did he tell Fisk?”

You chuckled slightly before letting out a loud sigh of amusement. “No.. Fisk already knew. He was trying to intimidate me into working for him by using that secret against me, but Dex was easier to manipulate.”

“Is it true that you can get into peoples heads?”

“I’m not a telepath.” You shook your head. “I’m tele-empathetic. I can read and manipulate emotions.”

“Oh…”

“Speaking of which.” You said as you pulled yourself to sit straighter as Matt came back in and sat at the edge of the boxing ring. “You need to relax a little.” You waved a hand to clear Ray’s nervousness. “Tower’s gonna eat you alive if you don’t get it together.”

“I loved my job.” He reasoned “And I loved being the good guy. I want to be on the right side of the line again.”

“You didn’t love it enough to stop Fisk.” Matt laughed.

“Matt.” You warned as he hopped down and nodded towards Ray.

“Fisk knows how to make people vulnerable. He got my sister-in-law’s health insurance canceled, left my family with bills to pay. Bills that I had to-“

“So you take out a loan, you sell your house, you figure it out. You don’t allow yourself to become an accessory.”

“It wasn’t that easy-“ Ray tried as you argued, “He can’t just sell his house when he has his son to think about!”

“You backed his play, Ray. You moved him into his hotel. You even gave him his toys back, gave him a new one too.”

“He was giving us information that saved lives.”

“Yeah, while he was taking lives. While he was taking over the city.”

“What the hell are you doing?” You grabbed Matt’s arm to turn his focus on you but he yanked his arm away.

“I thought you were my lawyer.” Ray pressed.

“I am your lawyer but I can’t do anything to help you if you can’t answer this one simple question. Why didn’t you blow the whistle when you watched your boss murder an agent?”

“I don’t know.” Ray said quietly.

“Or when you saw Dex walk into that church?”

“Matt.” You tried but he shrugged you off.

“You didn’t say a goddamn word when he murdered a priest.”

“Matt!” You said firmly and turned on him.

“I don’t know.”

“Then why are we here?” Matt yelled.

“Because I took the damn bait!” Ray answered with the same tone. There was a pause while your hand twisted at your side to bring everything back to a calmer level. “Because I didn’t want my son to see me as just an average federal employee… I messed up. I destroyed my life, my family’s life. And I would do anything to take it all back again.”

“Good.” Matt nodded. “You tell that to the DA, and I can help you.”

You smacked his arm as he turned back to the table. You faced Ray and gave an apologetic smile. He gave a small nod before you stepped closer and put an arm over his shoulders. He hesitantly embraced you back and you felt a heavy shudder as that regret toppled against you.

“I know he’s a dick right now-“ You explained as you pulled away. “-but he’s a good lawyer. He’s gonna help you.”

“Thanks, Livia.” He nodded. “And thank you for helping my family. I don’t know how I can repay you.”

“Consider it my apology.” You shrugged. “It never should’ve got to this point.”

“Yeah..”

“I’ve gotta get to work. Call me if you need anything.” You said quickly. “Oh, and Matt? Fisk nearly had me when he showed me that prison fight. If you hadn’t come back that night, it probably would’ve been me instead of Dex.. I would’ve done whatever I had to so I could protect you and your secret, even in death... Think about that.”

“I never would’ve asked you to do that.” He reasoned.

“You wouldn’t have had to and you know it. I didn’t ask you to stay at Midland but you did because you thought it was right. You thought I’d be safe, right?”

He nodded silently.

“Ray didn’t ask to be stuck in the middle of this bullshit either. Just help him do right by Sami, alright?”

As you were turning to leave, you nearly ran into Tower and Foggy. Foggy gave you a quick hug and you greeted Tower in a hurry before rushing out and to the hotel for work.

When you got in, you greeted the few agents that were left. All people you could no longer trust, even though most were nice enough. People that you knew would try to kill you if they were told to, whether they wanted to or not. People that weren’t on your side and may end up paying with their own lives. You set your shoulders as you walked down the hall and followed behind Dex as he entered the suite with the lunch tray.

“Can I get you anything else, Sir?” Dex asked, to which he was ignored.

“I just wanted to say I’m sorry about Karen Page. She would be dead if Agents Nadeem and Yersova hadn’t interfered.”

Again, he was met with silence and you almost felt bad for him. Dex needed reassurance, needed confirmation that he was doing right by someone. And to deprive him of that was what would truly break whatever was left in him. Whether or not that break would work in your favor was still up in the air so you couldn’t afford it. Not yet, at least.

“After everything you’ve done for me, I… I just wanted to tell you that I’ll keep my word. I will find her and when I do, I am going-“

“No.” Fisk said simply and even you were surprised. “The matter will be handled but not by you.”

“I can handle Nadeem and Livia.”

“Do nothing… It’s clear that I have put too great a burden on your shoulders. Your relationship with Agent Yersova, it was too sentimental for you to finish the job. You let her beat you.”

“I don’t care about Livia, alright? I don’t. I can make this right.”

“I see it, the way you look at her.” Fisk nodded slightly as he caught sight of you. “It’s admirable that you want to protect her but it needs to end. She wouldn’t do the same for you.”

“That’s enough.” You spoke finally, earning a quick turnaround from Dex. “Let’s go, Dex.”

You could see the heavy movements of his chest as he breathed deeply. You offered a small nod and held a hand out for him to take. He looked between you and Fisk before taking your hand and letting you guide him out.

The small action was in no way a show of solidarity. It was nowhere near you two being on the same side again. All it was, to you, was a stand against Fisk. You very clearly had already chosen Matt’s side since Dex attacked the Bulletin, and even before that. You wouldn’t turn on the man you loved - and the man who still loved you - for a man who was dead set on killing your friend.

For the time being, you would use that soft spot to your advantage for as long as you had it.

And it showed Fisk that you could still take Dex away.

“You can’t protect them both.” Fisk called as you began to leave. “You’ll have to choose.”

“So will you.” You glanced up and saw Vanessa standing near the top of the stairs. “Who will you protect?”

Back at Fogwell’s, Matt and Foggy were well into their conversation with DA Tower about what Ray knew. The back and forth finally settled on five years jail time for Ray, on all felony accounts. Tower promised to have a grand jury together by 4pm, so all that was left was securing immunity for Livia.

“We have another agent who’s willing to testify alongside Ray, a character witness in his favor but also a witness to some of these crimes.” Matt began calmly, though if Livia was there, she’d tell him he was practically vibrating.

“So where are they?” Tower shrugged.

“We’re not bringing her in until she’s guaranteed full immunity.” Foggy continued and Matt knew his friend was feeling that same surge, given how his heart was steadily beating faster.

No matter how many times they’d defended someone, how many times they went tit for tat against their oppositions in court. It was different when their friends were on the line. It always meant that much more.

“She…” Tower repeated with a nod. “It’s Yersova, isn’t it?”

“Immunity.” Foggy repeated calmly.

“If she’s as involved and knowledgeable as you say, then she’d be in deep shit. She’d lose her position at the FBI and there’d have to be jail time… What about an anonymous witness?”

“That’s hardly ever used in the US.” Foggy replied with furrowed brows.

“I’m sure I can make it work..”

“If you can’t….” Matt tried, waving his hand expectantly.

“How about… No jail time if she just peacefully retires from the FBI.” Tower shrugged.

“She won’t go for that.” Matt countered. “She loves that job.”

“I don’t care. I mean, don’t you guys see that she is just as much to blame as he is?” Tower insisted, pointing to Ray. “She didn’t stop anything either.”

“No, but she warned you from the start, didn’t she?” Matt answered smoothly, to which Tower sighed heavily. “She told you it was a bad idea but you all went along with it anyway.”

The DA cursed quietly before running a frustrated hand down his face. “If she can’t testify anonymously, then I guess she just has to deal with repercussions from the bureau.”

“Thank you. I’m sure we can get her to agree to that.” Foggy nodded with a proud smile before Tower left. He then turned to Matt and patted his friend on the shoulder. “You’re calling her.”

“What?” Matt’s jaw dropped. “She’s not gonna answer me!”

“She’s not gonna answer me!” Foggy reasoned. “And I thought you guys were patching things up. What happened to that?”

“C’mon, man.”

“When has she ever not answered when you called?” Foggy mumbled as he pulled out his phone and dialed Livia, putting it on speaker. “But hey, feels good, right?” He grinned.

“What? Letting Ray serve five years?”

“Any other lawyers, he would’ve gone away a lot longer. But I meant working together, you and me.”

Foggy was so caught up in his own words that he didn’t realize Livia had answered. Even Matt barely heard the shift from dial tone to active call.

“Doing what we’re supposed to be doing the way we’re supposed to be doing it.”

“Yeah..” Matt gave a small chuckle. “It felt good.”

“Right? I miss this. Working together, giving a shit about my clients.”

Livia laughed quietly on the other end of the call.

“Not just billing midtown jackholes in six minute increments.”

“Bet those jackholes pay well though, huh?” Livia laughed through the phone. “Matt make fun of the new shoes yet?”

“No, I was getting to it though.” Matt continued the joke and Foggy mocked the laughter. “I don’t know, Livvy. He might’ve gotten used to the money.”

“It suits him.” She agreed, and Matt knew there was a smile on her face.

“So I’ll get un-used to it.” Foggy countered happily. “We should do this again. All of us.”

“Don’t get ahead of yourself. We’re not there yet.”

“But we’re getting there.”

Matt let out a small sigh but nodded, begrudgingly agreeing.

“Guys.. As much as I love this reconciliation, did you call me just so I’d be included?” Livia asked with a light chuckle.

“No, actually, we have an update.” Foggy answered. “When do you get off?”

“I can probably leave around three for lunch or just take a half day if I need it. Why?”

“Tower can get the grand jury at four and you can get added to testify.”

There was a brief silence in the conversation, filled with the sounds of shuffling feet as Livia was likely moving further away from her colleagues.

“Okay… What’s at stake for me?”

“You should be able to testify anonymously.” Matt explained. “And then you only have to take whatever backlash comes from the bureau.”

“You mean from Fisk through the bureau.” She scoffed.

“It was either that or an early retirement.” Foggy added. “I think it’s a solid plan, Livia. And I’m pretty sure we’re gonna need you to sell this thing.”

She sighed and allowed a small silence to pass. Matt could only imagine the thoughts running through her head. She had to be worried about repercussions from Fisk. She’d been taunting him, challenging him since she’d met him, and now she’d be taking yet another stand against him. She had to know that every stand was potentially another nail in her coffin.

But how many times had she cheated death? Matt had started to think she was immortal, though not invulnerable. And they both knew Fisk knew what cards to play to expose her vulnerabilities.

Matt hated and loved that he was one of them.

“Okay.” Was all she said. “I’ll meet you guys where I left you and we can head together.”

“No, we should split.” Matt argued.

“No, we just go unmarked. Maybe a couple switches if it gets tense. I’m not losing this like we lost Jasper.”

“I really think-“

“And I think you need to stop questioning me.” She said firmly. “I’ve done stuff like this more than either of you. I think I should- Oh, shit. I gotta go.”

“Wait, Livia.” Foggy tried but she was already gone.

“There you are.” Dex said as he approached you with an unusually welcoming smile. “Who you talking to?”

“Friend from college.” You shrugged and shoved your phone away. “Why are you in such a good mood?”

“You’ll see.” He nodded towards the door and began backing away, turning to walk straight once you began following him.

When you two walked in, you were met with two other agents attempting to maneuver a large white painting with a wooden frame.

Rabbit in a snowstorm.

“I thought she wouldn’t sell…” You spoke softly, in mild disbelief that Fisk’s most sentimental possession that he was denied had found its way back to him. “Something about the Nazis and her family being the rightful owners.”

“Just took some extra persuasion.” He shrugged.

That sentence didn’t sit right in your stomach as Vanessa joined you.

“This is from Wilson.” Dex told her and you stepped aside to let her stand between you two.

“I was wondering where it had gone.” Vanessa said, looking at the painting she too adored.

“It was home.” You mumbled and wiped a hand down your face to cover it.

“Alivia, wasn’t it?” She smiled at you. “Alivia Vostokoff.”

“Well, no. Yersova, actually.” You admitted.

Her brows raised slightly and she nodded. “Wilson has spoken very highly of you. He respects you a great deal.”

You saw in her eyes a knowing spark. Fisk told her who you were and she was letting you know. She was using her words from the last conversation you had with her as Exodus as a lure to flaunt her knowledge of your truth in front of you.

“The feelings aren’t mutual.” You lifted your chin slightly.

“Tell me, do you still have the painting?”

“Vibrant and loud, but also gentle and vulnerable… Yeah, I do. But it’s not hung anymore. Too many painful memories. The guy I was with when I bought it? We didn’t work out.”

“I see.” She nodded slightly. “Art is wonderful that way, isn’t it? Something so simple-“ She turned to face the large, seemingly blank canvas. “-can be so influential.”

“A bit unnerving as well.”

“As all powerful things are.” She looked over her shoulder to you again. “On either end of the spectrum.”

You looked at the simple painting again and while you remained unimpressed by the creation, your eyes snagged on the new pop of color on the side. A brief splatter of blood that almost no one would notice, but it stood out like neon to you. You then realized that the woman didn’t change her mind. Of course she didn’t. Of course Dex went off and did something terrible to an innocent woman who had suffered her fair share.

“We haven’t formally met yet.” Dex said and took a step to be more in front of Vanessa. Your brows raised slightly but you said nothing. “I’m Agent Poindexter.. Dex. And if you need anything at all, just think of me as the new James Wesley.”

You sucked in a breath between your teeth and tilted your head, earning the attention of both Vanessa and Dex.

“It’s a shame what happened to old Wesley, isn’t it? A whole clip on his chest… And an unrecognizable burn through his sternum. Now, I’d hate to see something like that happen to you.” You said with fake concern lacing your words. It earned you a confused expression that quickly shifted to a glare from your partner.

Vanessa offered you a slight smirk before returning to the previous conversation. “It’s a pleasure to meet you… Vanessa Marianna.” She moved to sit on one of the sofas and Dex shot you a warning look, to which you shrugged.

“I’ve always told Wilson that he has great taste in art.” Dex continued and you rolled your eyes.

“He does love to put beautiful things on display.” She agreed, but there seemed to be something else she was hinting at. “Where’d you find it?”

“Some lady had it. Wilson couldn’t get her to sell it.”

“Well, that must’ve been very disappointing for him. It’s the painting in his collection that means the most to us.”

“I figured as much, so I thought I’d ask her one last time.”

Vanessa scanned the painting again and you saw her attention catch on the slightly bloodied corner as well. You felt a brief uncertainty from her but it shifted to a strange sense of comfort. You wondered if she found peace in violence, in chaos, and maybe that’s why she liked Fisk.

If that was her, a seemingly innocent and unsuspecting woman, what did that mean for you? But when you thought about the violent men you attracted, you were genuinely thankful you were still alive.

The rest of your day was uneventful and you left for lunch right on time. Dex tried to get you to stay, to go with him and “get things back to normal” but you refused. He tried to reason that he was just off from Julie ghosting him and you had half a mind to scream that she was probably dead. Only reasons you didn’t were because you didn’t want to cause a scene when you were drastically outnumbered and if someone threw Matt’s death at you like that, you would’ve gone on a massacre that rivaled your escape from the Red Room.

“Courthouse. No stops.” Matt told the van driver before ushering Ray to the back. You hurried over and watched the relief cross Ray’s face as you got to them. “Nice of you to join us.” Matt smiled gently.

“Yeah, well.” You shrugged with a smile. “It’s not like I have a reason not to.”

“None of this bothers you, does it?” Ray asked a nervous chuckle as you climbed into the back of the van.

“Y’know, with the company of my esteemed attorney here, I have to tell you.” You began dramatically, watching Matt try to hold back a smile. “Rahul Nadeem, I’ve been through so much worse.. Fisk doesn’t scare me.”

“You ever think maybe he should?” He tried as the van took off, just trying to keep his mind distracted so as to not lose his nerve.

You cleared your throat slightly to break up the tension between you all. With a small flick of your fingers, you cleared his uncertainty and let trust fill its place. Trust in you and in Matt. He looked at you and then to Matt, who offered an interested head tilt in return, before he nodded to himself.

“I thought about it… But then who would do this?” You gestured to the van and he broke a small smile.

“You’re nuts, yknow that?” He laughed.

“So I’ve been told.” You nodded with a grin.

After a bit of silence, Ray turned to Matt.

“I’ve gotta ask you something.” He said simply.

“You wanna know about Daredevil.” Matt sighed and you tilted your head, quietly acknowledging that it was a fair thing to wonder.

“I stepped off the path for a few weeks and it destroyed my life… But your life, both of you, you step on and off all the time.”

“It complicates our life, too.” Matt said, seemingly thinking of just how that lifestyle affected him. “Trying to have it both ways.”

“Does it?” Ray scoffed slightly. “I mean, your friends know who you are, what you do. Your girl-“ He gestured to you. “-is right there with you.”

“My life almost got them killed.” Matt countered. “And not for the first time.”

“Not to mention what I drag them into.” You confessed and gave a small lift of your hand. “Everything he puts at risk, so do I. Problem is that I tend to make more rash decisions because I’m the one who’s stepped off the path… He talks about what he’s done and all this but he’s never gone far from the path, y’know? He’s always just walking next to it and finds his way back. Every time, I still try to do the right thing and stay on the straight and narrow but… There’s blood on my hands, Ray. A lot. And there’s always going to be blood on my hands. But if it keeps my friends safe and it helps someone else sleep at night, if a little girl can go home to her parents instead of becoming something like me, I’ll do it again.. We don’t get it both ways. We each sacrifice a lot because we continue to choose this. We give up certain things and..” Your eyes turned to Matt. “Even certain people.”

“Yeah, I don’t see how we could.” Matt sighed, his head turning to the floor as if disappointed. That feeling flashed, only for a moment, before disappearing and being replaced. You felt bad as you understood it was what you said.

Ray insinuated that you could have the people you loved and the lifestyle you continued to choose. And your words implied that you didn’t believe that or didn’t want it. But it wasn’t that you didn’t want it. It was that, at every opportunity, life seemed to not let you. You didn’t believe you were meant to have everything you wanted, so you sacrificed your relationship with Matt because just having him as a friend was better than him dead.

“You guys already do.” Ray said gently, meeting your eyes and offering a small nod towards Matt to which you frowned slightly. “I messed up, and no matter what happens today, I don’t know if my wife’s ever coming back.”

“She loves you, Ray.” You offered honestly, earning a small smile from him. “You’re the father of her child, for crying out loud. It might take time but you’re not gonna lose her. You won’t lose your family.”

“And your friends, they keep coming back.. How do you hold on to them?”

You turned to Matt and he sighed to himself. You leaned back and crossed your arms with slightly raised brows, interested in what Matt would say.

“It’s not me.. It’s them.” He nodded towards you. “They hold on to me.”

You noticed Matt’s attention shift, but all you could hear was the honking. You pushed yourself up quickly and climbed to a kneel as you ditched your blazer. You reached for your gun as Matt motioned for you to get down. Seconds later, he grabbed Ray and your trio dropped to your stomachs. When the bullets finally stopped, you got up quickly and gripped your weapon. You turned over your shoulder and felt a fading sensation from the front seat.

“Driver’s dead.” You said quickly before waving a hand to Ray’s attention “Get your gun out. Matt?”

“Uh..” Matt said before grabbing your hands and showing where to shoot. “There’s a guy right here.”

“Yersova, we can’t shoot blind.” Ray tried.

“They’re reloading. Fire your weapon!” Matt insisted.

You groaned in mild annoyance and fired two quick shots. Matt gave you a new target and you fired again. Ray took the third so you hopped out of the van.

You felt a hand trying to close around your arm as you landed but you were quick to move out of reach. You kept your gun raised as you crept around the stopped vehicles. You came across a man on the floor, gripping his bleeding leg, so you came up and pressed your foot against the wound. He yelled in pain so you fired a shot through his forehead. A loud shatter drew your attention and you saw Matt diving through the windshield.

You rolled your eyes slightly at his dramatics before meeting with him and Ray.

“We need to stick together.” Matt scolded as he repositioned his glasses.

“If we did what I said, we wouldn’t be here.” You mumbled as you took position in front of them. “Just follow me.”

“Livia, just stop and listen.” He grabbed your arm and yanked your back. You pulled out of his grip and used your other hand to press him back against the nearest car. “Trust me, alright? You two pretend to lead me and do what I say.”

“Мне не нужна твоя помощь.” You sneered, pushing off him and moving forward again. (I don’t need your help.)

You moved to the other side of the cars and got to the side of the next two. While they were distracted firing at Ray, you moved quickly. You ran at them and let yourself collide with the first man, hooking an arm around his shoulders. Using the first man as leverage, you slammed your feet against the second one. The impact made him fall back and hit the back of his head against the car.

As your momentum shifted to push you backwards, you moved your leg until you felt your foot against the car. You hooked the toe of your shoe into the wheel well. That allowed you somewhere to steady yourself and pull, which forced the first man to slam back against the hood. You climbed up so one knee was against his chest as you slammed your gun against his temple.

You watched as Matt and Ray made their way forward but you were distracted by a heavy hit of fear. You quickly looked around the cars before seeing the familiar yellow fog leaking from a sedan a few feet away. At the same time you were making your way to her, one of Fisk’s gunmen was heading that way.

You acted fast, firing a shot into the man’s leg. He buckled almost instantly, which allowed Matt time to pick him up and slam him into the vehicle. You opened her door and got her attention while Matt fell into his helpless blind man routine. Flashing your badge was enough to get her to trust you and run as fast as she could in the other direction.

When you found the guys again, they were stuck in a fistfight on a bus. You climbed to the hood of the closet car, knelt as you lined your shot at the man that had Ray, and fired. The bullet landed in the side of the man’s head, causing him to fall limp. You slid down and hurried across as Matt kicked a man out of the bus. When he tried to get up, you slammed your heel down to finish it.

“Oh shit.” Matt groaned.

“What?” Your brows furrowed.

“It’s a cab.”

“Who cares? Just get in. Ray, you drive.”

You climbed into the backseat and shoved your gun back into place. You wiped the blood splatters from your hands and face but could do nothing about the splotches on your clothes.

At least you had evidence of the attack.

Ray made it a quick drive to the courthouse and the three of you were quickly ushered into the building. You met with Foggy and Karen, who didn’t bother to hide their concerned expressions. You offered a small smile for reassurance but that seemed to only deepen Foggy’s frown. Tower rushed your group through the halls, which allowed for Foggy to give a rundown on what would happen next.

“What about my family?” Ray asked, turning to you.

“My guy is taking care of it. They should be out by tonight, early morning at the latest. Karen, can you get the details to Seema?” You leaned around the group to see her on the far end.

“Yeah, yeah I can.” She nodded quickly.

You pulled a folded envelope from your back pocket and passed it over, with all the details of where they were going and what you were able to give them, along with the number to text her address to once you said it was good. You explained that you’d tell them once you heard back.

“Right after I do this.” She gestured outside.

“Well, wait.” You stepped behind the guys to move closer. “What are you trying to do?”

“Press conference.”

“Are you insane?”

“Look, it’ll keep the majority of eyes off you guys for a minute. I’m pretty sure he’s gonna be pretty interested in what I’m gonna have to say.”

“Karen…”

“I’ll be fine.”

“Be careful.” You sighed and she patted your arm before hurrying off.

Tower led you and Ray into the courtroom and the small room had an entirely different atmosphere. It was suffocatingly tense and the fear hung heavy in the room. You cleared your throat slightly to try and break it up, but it seemed to swell right back together. You tilted your head slightly with a quick brow raise to admit to yourself that it wouldn’t change.

“Before we begin, I should make it known that your petition for an anonymous witness has been declined. Given the severity of this case, any and all federal agents need to be identified and held responsible. Will both witnesses proceed?” The judge explained as you all approached the bench.

Ray’s hand found yours and you shivered slightly. It was no different, to testify anonymously or not. You stood against Fisk before and survived. You took on Dex multiple times and survived. The Hand. Yakuza. Red Room. Billy Russo. You wouldn’t turn and cower because your name was going to be attached to your words.

You would stand against Fisk, mask or no mask and taunt his retaliations yet again.

Let him come. Let him try.

“Yes, I will.” You nodded.

They took Ray’s testimony first while you sat beside Tower. It seemed to drag on, every word raking across your nerves. Your own body felt electric, thrumming heavily with every second that ticked by. At first, you assumed it was your own jitters but you had gone through worse. You were raised to withstand worse, so why were you so rattled?

You realized then it was coming from somewhere else. You turned the jury and saw the faintest buzzing around them. Understandably, it was a huge case to be a part of so it made sense they’ll have some anxiety. But one juror in particular stood out. One seemed to be vibrating in his seat.

Something else was weighing on him.

He looked quickly between you and Ray, fidgeting with his hands as his leg bounced hard enough to rock him in his seat.

Your eyes closed and you sighed to yourself as you understood. Fisk had a man on the grand jury. Nothing you said would matter.

You’d already lost.

61 notes · View notes

petertingle-yipyip · 2 years ago

Text

MAD AT GOD - MATT MURDOCK

Season Three - House of Memories

tags: @ironprincessstranger @johnmurphys-sass @dusstory @americaarse @astrobees @mayasaurus--rex @woowwwee // two // Season 2B // masterlist

Pairing: Bullseye X Livia (Casual) , Matt X Livia (Past)

Word Count: 9,558

Summary: Times have changed since Midland Circle, so has Livia. As she attempts to move forward, relationships are strained and circumstances are less than favorable. Can she cope on her own or will she fall back into old habits?

“Welcome to our final class for the semester!” The professor announced as he paraded into the room. Various hoots and claps came from around you but you simply smiled, glad to have another class checked off your schedule. “As you know, today is the final day for debates. We have only a few to get through so the quicker we go, the quicker we enjoy our winter break. Yersova, you’re up first!”

You pushed yourself up and hurried down the lecture hall steps until you reached the front. You stood at the closer podium and scanned the notes that waited for you.

A man attempts to break into a house late at night. The owner, a single woman, owns a retired police dog - a German Shepherd to be specific. He bites the perpetrator but releases and recalls when the noise wakes the woman and she calls him back. You’re supposed to argue the man is at fault. Your opposition will argue that the woman is.

“There’s five people you can choose to argue against, or I can choose for you.” Your professor said as you looked up at the empty podium across from you.

“You can pick.. But don’t make it easy.” You shrugged and glanced up at Matt. You knew he hadn’t gone yet and he was smiling down at you.

“Mr. Murdock!” He called and you grinned. “My two top students should go against each other, don’t you think? C’mon down, my boy!”

Matt laughed slightly and made his way down, cane bouncing off the steps. The professor pulled a different copy of the notes from his bag and placed it at Matt’s podium. You gave him a minute while he ran his fingers over the page and his brows raised in interest.

“Ladies first.” The professor bowed and stepped back.

“Clearly, the man is at fault.” You began easily. “Attempted breaking and entering.”

“Yes, but this dog is trained to attack and by New York law, that makes the owner liable.” Matt countered. “Just compensate for the $2,200 in medical bills and call it a day.”

“Yes, but New York law also states that if the victim is trespassing or provoking the animal, the owner isn’t liable.”

“How do you know he was provoking the animal?”

“Security footage.”

“That wasn’t in the notes.” Matt smiled slightly.

“You’re going to assume a woman who lives alone doesn’t have cameras?” You raised your brows.

“Regardless, the dog is trained to attack. Especially being retired police, there must’ve been training for him to engage in certain situations.”

“Certain hostile situations, you mean.”

“You can’t be sure the man was hostile.”

“Why was he breaking into her house then?”

“Maybe he wasn’t. Maybe he was running, looking for somewhere to hide or someone to help him. The dog misread the body language and attacked, unprovoked.”

“Can I ask you something, Mr. Murdock?”

“Please.” He smiled.

“If I threaten you, are you within your rights to defend yourself?”

“Yes, I am.”

“And if I am threatened, can I defend myself?”

“Yes.”

“With whatever I feel is necessary?”

“Sure.”

“Exactly. The dog felt it’s home and owner were threatened. It reacted accordingly.”

“Sounds a bit like victim blaming, doesn’t it?” He asked with a tilt of his head and you almost laughed.

“Coming from the man blaming an animal.”

“Let me ask you something, Ms. Yersova. By going off your last statement, your addressing the animal like it’s a weapon.”

“And if I had a concealed carry permit, do I have to show it to you or announce it before defending myself with said weapon?”

“No. But you are still held responsible if you kill your attacker, even if it’s self-defense.”

“You seem to be sympathizing with the attacker. Tell me, Mr. Murdock. Do you?”

“Are you insinuating I hurt people?” His voice feigned hurt but he nearly laughed in amusement.

“Of course not.” You said honestly. “But I do think you enjoy a bit of power.”

“Do you sympathize with the woman?”

“With a woman, on her own, being attacked by someone who she owes nothing to?” You challenged slightly, putting more of a personal anger into the words than intended. “I think any woman in the room would.”

“Maybe that’s clouding your judgment.”

“Is that an ad hominem I hear? Maybe you’re trying to attack me because you know your argument is weak.”

“I’ll admit that the man shouldn’t have gone breaking into houses. However, the woman should’ve had signage posted that a dog with the training and intent to protect was on the premises.”

“Should she have put a sign on every corner of her fence?” You raised your brows. “Because for all we know, there’s a sign on her front gate.”

“I don’t remember if it’s in the notes so just assume there is.” Your professor agreed, seemingly enthralled in your discussion like his favorite TV show. “You two are doing fantastic. You’ve almost gotten to the deciding factor.”

“With posted signage at the front of her property, she shouldn’t have to post it on the back if there’s no typical entry there.” You continued.

“One sign is easy to overlook.” Matt shrugged.

“Not if you enter the property in the proper way. Therefore, the only way the woman is liable would be if the dog bit the man on the sidewalk, since it’s public property.”

“Can we get a description of what the dog bites look like?” Matt turned to your professor.

“Should be on the second page.” He nodded and you cleared your throat. He looked at you and you gave a small jerk of your head towards Matt. “Of course. You’d think I’d remember.” He mumbled and your class chuckled.

You moved to his podium with your paper in hand and reached for his arm. He gave it to you willingly so you pushed the sleeve of his shirt up and twisted it so you could see the inside of his forearm while dropping your page on top of his.

“Punctures from the top canines here.” You used two fingers pressed against his skin as you looked at the paper. “Bottom here. Bruising along here.” Your fingers trailed along his arm and he shivered slightly. “Another set of punctures here, with a bit of lacerations. Less than an inch maybe.”

“A second set of punctures?” His brows furrowed beneath his glasses and you recognized the tone of his voice. He heard something of interest. “So the dog bit once, let go, and bit again? And shook, if there were lacerations.”

“The lacerations are newer, based on the blood color.” You countered. “They don’t look like a shake. It looks like he was pulling his arm away.”

“How can you tell?”

“Because they go downwards. Typically, shakes just make the initial punctures deeper and a little wider, little messier. If anything the movement would be horizontal.”

“Anything else on the bites?”

“No, but..” You flipped the page over and found another photo, though this one was the dog covered in blood and a copy of a vet bill. “There’s a vet bill.”

You flipped Matt’s notes and found what you assumed was the same thing just in braille. You put his hand against it and read your own.

“The dog had damage to his left eye and socket, a chunk missing from his ear and a bloody line four inches down his side.” You explained the photo. “Was the dog shot?”

Your professor nodded.

“Your guy shot her dog.” You turned back to Matt. “Probably used the butt of the gun to hit its eye.”

“You’re right.” He nodded with a small smile. “The woman’s not at fault.”

“You wanted the $2200 for medical?” You asked and he nodded. “Vet bills were $3700. Pay out the difference and we’ll call it even.”

Matt grinned and shook your hand. Your professor stood and celebrated, causing the class to give polite claps. Foggy gave a loud shout from the back.

———————————————

How he survived, he didn’t know. When he finally washed up after Midland Circle, he felt closer to death than he ever had before. He hardly had strength to breathe, let alone try to get home. Try to get to Livia.

The thought of her was the only thing that kept him going. She was the only thing that had him even considering healing, considering living after that. He heard her voice in every thought. Her touch seemed to ghost his skin though she was nowhere near.

I can’t lose you, Matty. I just can’t.

I trust you with my life.

I want you with me.

I’ve never felt safer than when I’m with you.

My life isn’t worth yours.

Just don’t let it take you from us, okay?

How could he ever face her again? To stand in front of her, knowing she would break down, and ask her to forgive him for sacrificing his life. And for what? For his own pride? For Elektra? And not even the Elektra they both knew and loved at that, but a hollowed out version driven by her own selfish desires.

“Where…? Where…?” He tried to get out a full question but every word seemed to die as it fell from his lips.

“St. Agnes. The orphanage.” A familiar voice answered but he couldn’t make out anything else. Matt felt like someone had shoved a pound of dry cotton into his ears. And while he appreciated the knowledge of where he was, that wasn’t what he wanted to know.

“How long?”

“Several weeks.”

“Where is she?”

“Who?”

“Alivia.”

“She’s come and gone for the day.” The woman rushed an answer and the words made Matt’s head spin violently as he sat up. Or was that more the residual injuries? “Get back in the bed! You’ll hurt yourself!”

“My right ear… I can’t..”

Matt tried to get out of the bed but he collapsed to the floor with the first step. It was like his body forgot how to move. His own skeleton failed him and let him crash to the ground and a wound at his side gnawed angrily at the impact. The fluid between his ears was as uneasy as the ocean and nothing around him felt solid. The only thing that kept him in that moment was the cold floor beneath him and the firm hands that tried to haul him up.

She’s come and gone for the day.

Why was Livia at the church? She didn’t believe in any of it. Was she looking for Matt? Did she already know he was alive? If she knew, she would’ve been beside him. He firmly believed that if she knew, she wouldn’t leave his side. She would’ve sat there, day and night, waiting to scream at him for abandoning her or to make sure he actually pulled through. There would’ve been some piece of her left in that room, whether it be the warmth of her skin or the scent of her perfume or the sound of her voice. Something would’ve still been there, unless maybe it was and Matt just couldn’t tell. What a cold loneliness he felt around him when he considered that thought.

To anything outside that small, lonely room in the orphanage, Daredevil - and in turn, for some at least, Matt Murdock - was dead.

————————————

Matt and Foggy were in their dorm room, the afternoon after meeting Alivia.

Saying the girl was electric was an understatement. From the second he heard her say his name, he was a goner. He had known her for mere minutes, hours if you count the night, but he felt something in his chest when she introduced herself. His heart thumped faster when she laughed and time seemed to slow when she touched him.

He started to wonder if that’s what it meant to have a soulmate.

“Are you gonna call her?” Foggy asked that morning.

“We met her last night, Foggy.” Matt reasoned with a nervous chuckle. “I’m not gonna call her.”

“Dude.”

“I’m not!”

“You’re gonna miss this perfect opportunity? Matt, c’mon man! She was gorgeous!”

“I-“

“No, like you don’t get it. She was probably the most beautiful woman to have ever walked this campus. You should’ve seen her.”

“Well I-“

“Don’t!” Foggy cut in so Matt smiled innocently. “Do not make a blind joke right now.”

“If she’s so beautiful, then you call her.” Matt tried, though the suggestion felt like a slap to the face.

“I’m not the one she was making googly eyes at on the walk back last night.”

“How was I supposed to know that?”

“I-“ Foggy began before a loud, exasperated sigh. “Matt! Dude!”

“Foggy!” Matt replied in the same tone. “It’s fine. We’ll probably run into her in class anyway.”

“You’re gonna just wait and hope that you two run into each other again by chance? When she’s probably the most perfect and smart and beautiful and charming and-“

“Sounds like you liked her more than I did.” Matt mumbled and dropped onto his back across his mattress.

“Matt. Matthew. My friend.” Foggy said as he came and sat on his friend’s bed beside him. “I’m telling you this because I love you. Call the girl!”

“I’m not gonna call her!” Matt laughed. “C’mon man. You really think a girl like that - as beautiful as you say she is and can speak that many languages and who knows what else she can do. You think a girl like that is gonna wanna be with me?”

“Buddy, I think she would’ve married you last night if you had asked.”

Matt couldn’t help but laugh.

“Alright, fine.” He sighed dramatically, though he was admittedly giddy. “I’ll call her. Dial her number for me.”

“Do you hear that?” Foggy joked as he found the scrap of her book page that she wrote her number on and dialed on Matt’s phone. “Sounds like wedding bells, my friend. Mr. and Mrs. Yersova-Murdock.”

“Yersova-Murdock, huh?” Matt laughed as he held the phone to his ear.

“Yeah, you’re right… Murdock-Yersova? Nah, I don’t like that either. Maybe just Mr. and Mrs. Yersova.”

“It’s about time, Murdock.” Alivia joked on the other end of the call. “And here I thought you forgot about me.”

————————————

“Matthew.” Father Lantom announced his arrival one day and Matt was drawn out of the same spiral of thoughts that haunted him. The same circulation of memories that plagued him.

“Father, I didn’t know you were there.” Matt answered honestly, though the feeling in his right ear was as nagging as ever. “Sister Maggie said something before… About Livia.”

“Oh.. Yes.” He nodded and Matt noticed his hesitation. It was as if he was thinking of how to tell Matt whatever he knew. “She’s been coming around a bit more often lately.”

“Does she know?”

“No… No, I haven’t been able to bring myself to tell her.”

“Why does she come then?”

“You know, it’s the strangest thing. She’s only come inside once.. Said the building doesn’t smell like cinnamon anymore, whatever that means.”

Matt sighed heavily, understanding exactly what she meant. Though he had never smelled it himself, he knew it was how the devotion in the building showed up to her. It was part of her abilities, how she described the church as warm and alive with everyone’s belief. She described anger as red, hot and burning. Sadness was cold and blue. Happiness was a soft purple. Love was pink and fuzzy. Fear, yellow and bitter. He wondered what she was feeling now.

“Instead she just… sits on the bench out front until one of the boys comes to collect her for work. Poor thing.” Lantom continued and it made Matt’s heart twist.

“It’s my fault.. She was with me that night and I- I made her leave. I couldn’t let her die with me.” Matt said weakly.

“She’s doing well lately, better since she’s recovered.”

Matt wondered what that meant but he didn’t dwell on it.

“The.. The way her voice broke when she- When she called out for me… I heard her scream when it all happened.”

Just talking about it replayed that scream and he felt his heart splinter again.

“I’m sure she would love to see you.”

“I just can’t get that sound out of my head.” He nearly whispered.

“She used to say the last thing you said to her played in her head like a record on repeat… Said she’d give anything to hear you say her name again.”

Matt said nothing this time. He would love to have Y/N come by but he knew it wasn’t fair. He’d been gone for several weeks, at least. That could’ve meant months. Livia could’ve gotten over everything and seeing him, knowing he was alive and she had been so close to him every time she came, it would only break her again. How could he put her through that? How could he be so selfish?

“Matthew, you have to admit it is a miracle that you survived.” Lantom tried.

“That’s how most of our conversations tend to go.” Matt complained and rolled to his side. “Let’s just give it a rest.”

Lantom left after that, allowing Matt to wallow in his own thoughts and boredom.

He wondered who were the boys that came for Livia. What of her life was still the same? Did Exodus come back to protect the Kitchen, to take out her anger and pain on those she thought deserved it? Or did she sit at home, alone in the apartment that they had danced in? The apartment they had cooked dinners in and cleaned together and where she taught him more and more Russian. Was she as alone as he was? Chased by memories of something buried alive.

Those were the thoughts that plagued Matt day in and day out. He thought of his other friends, too. Karen and Foggy. He wondered if Jessica or Luke or Danny had checked in on Livia. He even wondered if Frank had heard and looked out for her

Matt wasn’t sure how long exactly it had been since his conversation with Father Lantom about Livia when Sister Maggie brought her up as well.

“There must be at least one person I can call for you.” She said, almost regretfully and there was a hint of a knowing tone in her voice.

“No.” Matt decided. “There’s no one.”

“What about the girl?”

“What girl?”

“The sad, pretty one. Although lately she seems more angry than sad.” She described her simply and a brief smile crossed Matt’s face. “She comes every morning and has told me about a specific someone who sounds remarkably like you. And given all of that, I’m guessing she was the one you liked to do backflips with.”

“Exodus.”

Sister Maggie hummed in response.

“Her name is Livia.” Matt said, almost defensively. He couldn’t take her down to only her vigilante name because she was so much more than that. He helped her see that, so ignoring that would be wrong. Exodus was part of who Livia was, not the entirety.

“You should consider yourself lucky to have found a girl like that that’s willing to put up with all of this.”

“Yeah…”

Back at the apartment, you were getting home for the day. It was an easy day. You had been back from Quantico for a few months, but everything from Billy at the carousel set back your timeline. After your mandated therapy and physical rehab, today was the first day you were unrestricted, though of course your luck meant nothing exciting happened.

You reached for your door handle and found it already unlocked. You walked in confidently after dropping your purse and coat by the door, a hand hovering at the gun on your hip, only to find Karen. She was kneeling by the closet under your stairs with the case to Matt’s suit open in front of her.

“I could’ve told you it’s still not there.” You said simply, removing your gun and badge from your belt and tossing them to the table. “It’s not coming back, Karen. Neither is he.”

“I’m sorry. I should’ve called.” She answered gently, a sadness in her voice.

“Yeah..” You agreed quickly. “Want a drink?”

“I’m okay, thanks.. But uh, how are you?”

“That’s not what this is about.” You threw the fridge shut. “Y’know, come to think of it, I don’t know why you keep coming back and looking for it.”

“I know.. I just can’t shake the feeling that-“

“Not even that.” You laughed with annoyance. “You don’t remember what you told him, do you? When you came by the next day after he told you about all that.” You pointed to the closet.

She was quiet so you continued.

“I don’t think Daredevil’s the problem.” You repeated and her eyes dropped. Her guilt tinted the air with a stale feeling, vaguely smelling like old water. “You didn’t want him in your life as Daredevil but now that he’s gone, you pretend that you cared about the suit.”

She looked back to you quickly. “I didn’t care about the suit. I cared about him.”

“You cared about Matt… Yeah, I’ll give you that. But you didn’t give a shit about Daredevil. You can’t separate the two!”

“Is that why you liked him? Because he was Daredevil.”

“Oh my god.” You muttered.

“Because you liked a guy that you could treat like shit and still expect him to care?”

“Fuck you, Karen.” You snapped. “I cared about Matt long before he even thought about Daredevil so don’t stand there and act like you know anything about our relationship.”

“No, you’re right. Because you two kept so many goddamn secrets nobody really knew either of you, right?”

“Is this really what you came for? To fight with me.” You came around the counter and took a few steps closer to her, making her step back. “Because if you did, you can walk right back out the door and y’know what. You don’t even have to come back. Okay? I don’t need this shit from you anymore. I’m done, Karen.”

She was quiet and you felt the way your words sliced through her but you were too angry to stop talking. You let that anger burn through you as the words fell from your lips.

“Evidently, the only reasons we got along were because Matt and Frank were mutual friends. Now that they’re not around, we have nothing.” You shrugged. “You don’t have to pretend to care about me anymore. I don’t need a pity friend. And I don’t want one.”

“I shouldn’t have said that.” She replied quietly, like a child being yelled at by her parents. “I’m sorry. We’re just worried, me and Foggy.”

“Well don’t be. I’m fine.” You offered a sarcastic expression before going back to the far side of the counter.

She nodded slightly. “I don’t believe that.”

“I don’t care. I don’t need a babysitter. I still make a couple meetings for that support group with Curtis. I left Anvil and the Billy fiasco behind. I’m trying to take the FBI offer seriously. I don’t know what else you and him need me to do to convince you that I’m fine.”

“Foggy said you’re going to Matt’s church again.”

“Oh my-“ You mumbled. “That’s what this is about? Because I sit on a stupid bench?”

“It’s more than just a bench, Livia.”

“What else is there to say? What are you fishing for?” You sighed heavily and leaned your palms against your countertop, nearly wincing at the sharp contrast of the cool surface against your burning skin. “I’m moving on. Isn’t that what you wanted?”

A series of quick knocks sounded at your door.

“What you both wanted.” You corrected as you went to open the door, seeing Foggy standing on the other side.

“Surprise.” He smiled nervously.

“Whatever intervention or ambush this is, I don’t need it.” You announced as you headed back into the living room. “I’m doing great.”

“I just came to see my friend. We haven’t had time to get together since you’ve been back, given all the other stuff that happened.” Foggy said honestly. You turned to face him and stared for a moment, reading his emotions. You found he wasn’t coming from a place of worry or concern. Just friendship.

You offered a small smile in response as your own headspace cleared. Maybe you needed someone familiar to be around for a bit. “Then you can stay a while. And if you don’t try to pick another fight, Karen, you can stay too.”

You had to admit. Foggy’s good heart and honest energy seemed to be the only thing lately that could help your heart break through.

Back at the church, Sister Maggie was continuing her conversation with Matt.

“Angry, sarcastic, and stubborn. Maybe you don’t have any friends.” Maggie joked, though Matt didn’t find it funny.

“Someone once told me that warriors were meant to be alone.” He answered simply rather than argue. “That caring for people would make me weak.”

“Is that what you told that Exodus girl?”

“Livia.” Matt said defensively to himself.

“That you’d be weak if you cared? Cause it doesn’t seem like she got the memo.”

“I let people in, I paid a price… If anyone can understand that, it’s her. I won’t make that mistake again.”

“Would she call it a mistake?”

“You really wanna push the Livia topic, don’t you?” Matt groaned. Not because he didn’t want to talk about Y/N, but because it just hurt too much still.

“She seems to be the only topic that gets you to talk.” Maggie countered.

The conversation then shifted to Job after Matt found his old Bible and the way Matt thought he was serving God the same way. Matt admitted that he didn’t hate God, but he felt he understood Him better and understood where they stood with each other.

“For the record, I had friends. I had a life, a girlfriend and I- I loved her, probably would’ve married her one day. Started a family of our own down the road. I care about people and I’m choosing to let them believe that I’m gone because I am.”

“Tell that to the girl that sits on that bench every morning.”

“You don’t get it.” He sighed.

“I think I do, Matthew. She makes you happy, and that’s the worst thing for you.”

“I know my truth now, Sister.”

“What truth?”

“I’d rather die as the Devil than live as Matt Murdock.”

“So I guess she’d rather live as Alivia, without either, and blame herself for the Devil’s death.”

“At least she’ll live.”

“But what kind of a life is that?”

Sister Maggie left after that, allowing Matt to sit in his own continuous misery. Missing Foggy, Livia, and Karen. That was his own punishment. He deserved that, for all the pain and suffering he had brought to them. He was better alone, the same as Livia tried to convince herself she was, and he hoped she had started to believe she was better without him. Difference was that he chose to do what he did. Livia was made into it. The only thing he would change was that Livia blamed herself.

That night, Sister Maggie came back.

“I think you’re a hero, hiding down here and feeling sorry for yourself.” She said simply. “Just out back, there’s an orphanage full of kids who’ve lost everything and everyone. Some of them disabled, much worse off than you ever were. And they’re still trying to make the most out of life, the little cowards.”

“Okay, alright.” Matt cut in.

“I mean it! Here you are, with all the gifts God gave you. Handsome, smart, a law degree, people who care about you. You have a beautiful, thoughtful girl that comes here every single day without fail who only wants to see you again. Doesn’t even know you’re here, mind you. But you’re so bravely giving up.”

“Y’know, thank you for the tough love, Sister.” Matt complained as he hobbled across the cold room. “And your charmingly simplistic view of God and the world. I appreciate everything you’ve done for me, I really do, but don’t for a second think you know anything about me or her or my life.”

“I’ve been a nun for 30 years. I know self-pity when I hear it.” She continued. “And I know that she’s had to leave people, without explanation. I know that after losing you, if how she feels is how they all felt, she would’ve done it differently.”

“Yeah? Well, no one died because of her. Twice, actually.”

“You don’t know everything about her past, Matthew. The guilt she carries could be more than yours.”

“But you do?”

“No.. But I do know your father was famous around here. I saw him fight, saw him go down many times. But he never stayed down.” She pressed before she left.

Matt laid in bed that night and thought of her words, and she was right. About his dad at least. He didn’t stay down. But he did have to wonder about what she said about Livia, regretting the choices she’d made. If she had known the way people hurt when she left - how he hurt when she left - would she have made different choices?

He couldn’t help but think how different his life would’ve been if she had never left. Or if she had never came in the first place.

A few days passed and Matt found some sense of recovery. He managed to clear some of the blockages in his sinuses, allowing him to find some normalcy with training again. Certain moves still hurt, still caused him to fail, but he knew he was on his way back to what he was before. Back to Daredevil.

On your next day off, you were sitting on your usual bench outside the church with your gym bag tucked beneath your feet. You greeted some of the familiar nuns and patrons with a friendly smile, accepting the gentle handshakes and blessings from the older ladies that you were seeing for the first time since you’ve been back. Sister Maggie came and sat beside you, though her usual demeanor was replaced with a jittery energy.

“Something wrong, Sister?” You asked simply as she sighed and you felt the vibrations tingle against your exposed skin.

“Well, Alivia, I don’t know how to ask you this.” She admitted and you shifted to face her fully. “Would you be.. willing to come downstairs with me today?”

“For what?”

“For a… for a fight.”

“A fight..” You repeated and raised your brows. “Since when does the church have a secret fight club?”

“I’m not thrilled about it but I think you’re the best option.”

“Okay…” You agreed hesitantly. “What’s the catch?”

“Well… Have you ever fought blindfolded? Or with your eyes closed?”

You couldn’t help but laugh, though her scowl made you quiet down.

“You’re serious?” Your brows furrowed.

“Unfortunately.”

“Weirdly enough, I have..”

“Of course you have.” She sighed.

“It was a good training exercise.” You shrugged. “It taught me to understand and hone my gifts rather than depending on what I see, kinda like how Matt used to… Well, anyways, did you want me to do it today?”

“If you’re willing.”

You stared at your hands folded in your lap for a moment, tapping your fingers as you thought. It was an odd request, definitely, and it made no sense to you. But the idea did make your nerves tingle and your muscles twitch. It could be fun to repeat an old training drill, despite the clear hesitation and borderline sacrilegious nature of it. There was something Sister Maggie wasn’t telling you, but really, you didn’t care to know all the details.

“Sure.” You shrugged and stood, kneeling for your bag before following the older nun through the halls and down the stairs.

You paused before a rod-iron gate and you could feel the buzzing of your opponent on the other side. A torn cloth was tied tightly across your eyes as Sister Maggie and Father Lantom exchanged a quick, hushed conversation that you were expected to ignore about what was going to take place. You were lead through the room quietly, guided where to leave your bag.

You knelt and pulled your wraps, wrapping them in place easily after your brace was fitted on as you spoke to Lantom while Maggie talked to whoever you were facing. You tapped your hands into your chalk pouch and patted them together to cover your exposed fingers and the back of your covered knuckles with the fine powder.

“Do you have gloves?” He asked simply, though you could picture the way he was fidgeting.

“I’d rather not, if whoever’s over there doesn’t mind.” You answered, nodding towards the unknown figure behind you. “They don’t have to either, just so it’s fair.”

After a moment of quiet, Lantom answered.

“Alright. He’s not wearing a helmet and there’s a lot of marble statues around so try not to beat on him too bad.”

You smiled slightly and turned your head in his direction.

“Shouldn’t you be warning him about going easy on me, too?” You joked and stood, allowing Lantom to turn you towards your opponent and guide you closer. “Given I’m the one that can’t see.”

“No wonder you two got along.” Maggie sighed, though the statement wasn’t directed at you. “Same sense of humor.”

You reached your hand out and felt another meet yours in a quick tap. Your skin flushed warm as you tuned in to your opponent’s feelings, finding yourself warmed with a general anger and an underlying sadness. A brief flash of loneliness and regret, tucked under a suffocating blanket of self-pity that you swore was going to choke you. You cleared the feeling with a light cough as you rolled your shoulders.

They’d be easy enough to keep track of. Your only issue now would be anticipating their moves, given that you knew nothing of their fighting style. All you could assume was that they were a traditional boxer.

You moved first with hopes of keeping enough of an offense that you wouldn’t need to defend against much, throwing two sharp jabs that connected with their stomach. You were met with a brisk hook to your chin that backed you up a few steps. You chuckled lightly and shifted your jaw, having been hit harder than anticipated.

The brief swell of pride gave away where they moved to so you acted quickly, grabbing their shoulders and yanking them down your knee could slam their stomach. When you felt the hands grab your forearms, you spun your hands around so you could break their hold before throwing an elbow against their nose which earned a loud gasp from Sister Maggie. Your next punch was caught, pushing you to the side. When you turned to face them again, you were met with a quick barrage of jabs that you could block with your arms and there was an obvious tell that your opponent was holding back.

“If you’re gonna hit me, hit me. I’m sure I can take it.” You spat with the unintentional tint of your accent and were hit with a heavy wave of panic.

You seized the hesitation and moved back in, landing hit after hit. Lantom and Maggie both tried to call you off, but neither you nor your opponent stopped. You two were trading blows and dodging shots until you managed to get enough room to swing a moderated roundhouse to the side of his head and he dropped.

Lantom guided you out after that while Maggie tended to the other person, both of them unhappy with the results. He thanked you for coming and insisted you keep it quiet. You joked that you didn’t know who you were up against anyway so your story wouldn’t make much sense if you told it. But even as you were leaving, and you couldn’t remove the blindfold until you were the majority of the way up the stairs, you couldn’t deny the feeling that whoever you were up against… Their emotions were familiar, like the sound of an old song that you still miraculously knew the words to but couldn’t remember who sang it.

Something comfortable. Something that was impossible to truly get out of your head.

That night, you were out with Dex for drinks to try and forget about it.

“Why does it look like you got punched in the face?” He laughed, tapping his mouth in the same spot where you knew yours was busted.

“Cause I did.” You admitted with a small smile that tugged the small wound open. “My gym was doing a little amateur boxing showcase type thing earlier so I jumped in after my lifts.”

“Hope you won.”

“Oh, yeah.” You grinned, the action tugging the split skin open further. “Dropped the last guy nice and easy. After I had my fun, of course.”

“Otherwise, y’know, I’d have to find a new partner.”

“Wow.” Your brows raised and he gave you a playful smirk. “Just like that?”

“Just like that.”

“That’s cold, Dex.”

“C’mon.” He chuckled. “You think I can have a partner that loses amateur boxing?”

“Too bad. Looks like you’re stuck with me. Hattley says she likes the way we work.”

“Guess I’ll have to deal with you then, huh?”

“Can’t rid of me that easy. Just ask anyone who knows me.”

As he was walking you home, you felt that familiarity again. It hooked into your chest and was tugging at you, screaming in the back of your head to get closer. You faked a reason to return to the bar - lying that you had left your phone - and hurried the few blocks to get to them. As you were getting closer, you heard a woman yelling for her dad. Her panic urged your feet to move faster, but you were so distracted by the person - likely subconsciously - calling out to you that you almost didn’t notice the car.

The tires skirted along the asphalt and you had to hop back. You leaned on the hood to see through the bright headlights, and the girl driving was more panicked than you were, with mascara stall rubbing down her puffed up cheeks. It was easy to figure out she was the one you heard so you waved her off and kept moving. But when you got to the source, you faltered, only for a second.

“God forgive me.” He mumbled, hardly enough sound for you to hear.

The defeat in his voice - his familiar voice - drove a stake through your chest that let a chilling loneliness creep out and weigh heavily on your skin. With a shiver, you forced the feeling down and focused on the situation in front of you.

One of the men raised their arms but you were quick to yank the pole from their hand. He turned on you almost instantly but you offered a smile before slamming the pole against his temple, seeing an angry gash split almost immediately. You turned and slammed a foot against the kneeling man’s chest and leaned into it, pinning him to the ground. You threw the pole at the other man, seeing the end collide with his nose before you allowed him to gather his partner and take off.

You blew a loose strand of hair from your face and turned your attention back to the man under your shoe.

You heart nearly stopped when you saw the familiar outfit.

“No…” You said quietly, moving your foot to kneel beside him.

Your fingers reached gingerly for the edge of his mask, but just as you were about to grab it, he slammed his forehead against yours and you fell backwards. You let out a loud string of curses in Russian as you rubbed the place of contact but when you looked back, you found he was gone.

You could’ve sworn, as you got up and made your way back to the apartment, that it was the Man in the Mask.

The Devil of Hell’s Kitchen.

Daredevil.

Matt Murdock.

Despite every logical thought in your head, everytime your brain mulled over the facts. Every night you went to bed alone and woke up the same. Every time you realized you missed him but forgot that it was supposed to hurt, when you realized you still weren’t really letting it hurt.

But if you had to put money on that voice being his, you would’ve.

Would it be better if he really was alive? Maybe whatever was cracking through your still cold core would reignite in your chest. You could regain your full sense of humanity and normalcy, return to the Y/N he knew and loved, assuming enough of her still existed at that point.

Or would it only force that floodgate of pain and anger and grief open? Would you find that the girl he knew, the girl you thought you were, was never real? That it’d be too much and you’d fall back into an uncaring, heartless and ruthless person that not even Dreykov would’ve wanted.

Damn him, for throwing your thoughts into a spiral even in death.

Alleged death, now.

The next morning at work, you wished you had stayed home.

“Yersova. You’re with me.” An agent you knew a bit, Ray Nadeem, called as he walked by you. He didn’t stay long so you had to move quickly to catch up.

“Where are we going?” You asked as you finally got to his stride.

“Talk to a guy who won’t give us shit. Hattley wants you to go since SWAT has nothing and you’re new but doesn’t want you going alone in case there’s a conflict of interest.”

“So why you? Why not send me with Dex seeing as he’s my actual partner.”

“Cause my number was up next.” He sighed in annoyance. “And didn’t Dex go out of town on assignment this morning?”

“You’re telling me this couldn’t have waited a day or two till he’s back? If he’s gonna give us nothing, what does it matter?”

When you got in the car, he passed you the thick rubber banded folder. You didn’t need to open it to know what case it was, and all thoughts of Matt and his possible survival were shoved from your head.

You were going to talk to Wilson Fisk.

You gripped the file tightly in one hand while pulling your phone. You shot Marc a quick text about Vanessa’s most recent location, and he sent back a short list of what he had since the last time you two spoke along with a rumor of where she’d be headed next. The drive to the prison was relatively quiet, but you could feel there was something eating at Ray. You thought about asking but you figured he wouldn’t want to talk to you about it so you said nothing. Instead, you cleared your throat to break the looming tension.

You two were escorted in after a brief security clearing and sat alone at a small table while the guards led Fisk in.

“Mr. Fisk, I’m Special Agent Ray Nadeem with the Federal Bureau of Investigation.” Ray introduced simply, flashing his badge before gesturing to you.

“Special Agent Alivia Yersova, FBI SWAT.” You nodded.

“The FBI would like your assistance with… Let’s just cut to the part where you tell us to eat shit so we can stop wasting each other’s time.”

“Do you have someone in your life that you love so much, you’d do anything to protect them?” Fisk asked solemnly, his eyes lingering on you before turning to Ray.

“Are you threatening us?” He asked quickly.

“I have made many mistakes.” Fisk nodded. “But I accept the debt I’m paying because of them. A debt-” He turned to you again. “-that certain people ensured I could not neglect.”

“He’s not threatening us, not yet at least.” You sighed and leaned forward, your chest hitting the edge of the table. “He’ll talk.” You twisted your fingers under the table to pull on the gnawing worry that was presenting in Fisk. As the man stared you down, you watched the blue mist of sadness cover his eyes and you were given a flash of a name. Vanessa. “Because there’s something we can offer as incentive.”

“What I cannot accept is that the woman I love should have to pay for them, too. I would do anything to protect her.”

“So what is it you’re saying?” Ray asked carefully.

“He wants us to help Vanessa Marianna, some sort of pardon or acquittal, so she can come back to the States.” You explained, drawing a quick head turn from Ray. “She’s been pretty good about avoiding countries with extradition, I’ll give her that. But she’s passed through a couple in Europe, for the sake of art, I bet.”

“She had nothing to do with this!” Fisk said loudly.

“But she knew, didn’t she?” You instigated.

“I want to make a deal.”

“She knew you were a criminal, I bet.”

“Yersova” Ray tried.

“A liar.”

“All I ask, Agent Yersova, in exchange is for someone to protect this woman.”

“Let me be frank here. I don’t trust you. I want you to stay in this prison and rot for the rest of your miserable life. Vanessa can run till the money runs out and I have someone grab her. But it’s not about what I want… Give us good information and maybe we’ll look into it. She’s easy enough for me to find anyway.”

The next morning, you and Ray were tasked with leading a raid on the Albanians. It was a show of faith in Fisk, that he’d given you viable information. But even though you didn’t trust a single word out of Fisk’s mouth, your job was by the book now. You had to look into it.

And as much as you hated to say it, Fisk wasn’t lying. You and Ray led the team through a perfectly successful raid. Your office congratulated you both and you accepted the praise with a smile, even though you didn’t like it. Something about everything felt forced, like you were playing exactly the part you were meant to play and it left a grimy feeling across your skin.

You stayed huddled at your temporary desk most of the day, writing your report of the raid and finding any other trivial task that kept you away from prying eyes.

You had a feeling that the path you were on, and maybe all the FBI officers that end up involved, was going to be a rough one.

“Come with me.” Ray said suddenly, tapping your arm.

“Wha- Again?” You answered as you hurried to your feet. “Where are we going?”

“We’re gonna convince Hattley to give us the Fisk detail.”

“What? No, Ray, I don’t want it.”

“Oh, c’mon.” He groaned as you two reached the SAC’s door. “You and I were the only agents to get anything out of him since he got locked up!”

“You think that matters? You have whatever issues - I’m guessing finances since you’re so desperate - and I’m still new SWAT with a conflict of interest. Besides, in case you couldn’t tell, I don’t like Fisk. I don’t like the way he looks at people. I don’t like the way he talks to people. There is no way in hell I go in there and ask for that.”

“Look, he’s afraid of whatever you know. Right? He believes that you can get to Vanessa, without even trying. If you stay involved, even as backup - just a presence in the room. Yersova, I promise you, we can get enough for everyone for years.”

“Wow, okay, so you’re just not listening to the whole ‘conflict of interest’ issue? I worked at the firm that built the case that got him locked up and had a tenement case against him. I want that man to die in jail. I don’t care what he can give or what I can take away. You wanna ask her for it? Go ahead. If she asks my opinion, I’ll back you on it. Just leave me out of it.”

All the while, Matt was sulking in the church basement when Sister Maggie came to check on him.

“Give yourself time to heal or you’re gonna get yourself killed.” She said simply.

“You’re probably right.” Matt said quickly before swallowing the pills.

“Is that what you wanted?”

Instead of answering her question, Matt changed the subject.

“She found me last night… Livia.”

“Did you talk to her?”

“No, I.. I ran off.”

“Do you wish you had talked to her?”

“I heard her heartbeat.. Seemed like the first time when she didn’t let me hear it but I heard it on my own. Something about her is different…”

“She’s been through a lot since you’ve been gone, not just counting what you did.”

“What happened?” Matt asked softly.

“Maybe if you let her be here, there’d be less of your self-pitying bullshit to throw around. She could knock some sense into you and you could ask her yourself.”

“Why did you become a nun?” He asked instead when he realized she wouldn’t tell him. He’d have to find a chance to ask Livia instead.

“I heard God’s call.”

“So you feel like being a nun is what you’re meant to be?”

“Yes.” She said with finality. “Very much.”

“What if you couldn’t be anymore? If it were taken from you?”

“Your point being that if we can’t fulfill our calling, we might be better off as worm food?”

“Just answer the question.”

“Okay.. But let me ask you something first. What do you think Alivia’s calling is?”

He sighed heavily as he thought about it. As much as he missed her and he yearned her - as much as his own heart was probably betraying him and calling out for her in a way only she would feel - he didn’t want to talk about her. He didn’t want to be reminded of the pain he’d caused her. The way he essentially abandoned her at Midland Circle.

“Helping people.” He said finally, deciding how he wanted to word it. “Livia was always meant to help people. Inside the law or outside of it, she knew she could make a difference.”

“I wouldn’t lose faith, Matthew, if I couldn’t fulfill my calling.” She explained with a slight edge to her voice. “I’d find some other purpose.”

“If you can be anything else, it was never really your calling.” Matt countered bitterly. “Just tell me, honestly. If you could no longer be a nun, wouldn’t you grieve?”

“Of course I would.. But this isn’t grief. This is-“

“Just please… Go away.”

“I understand what it’s like to feel lost.” She offered, with a much gentler tone than before. “It happened to me too once, a long time ago when I was still a novitiate. I left the order for a while.”

“Why?”

“I was considering a very different life… It was wonderful and terrifying. I struggled to know which life God wanted me to choose. I prayed. I looked for signs. In the end, I had to do my best to figure it all out.”

“Well, that there is the difference between us. I no longer care what God wants.”

You found your way to the church that night after work. You were texting Dex when Sister Maggie came and sat beside you with a heavy sigh, the sigh of a woman almost too tired to keep pushing. But that, you realized, was something that set Sister Maggie apart from the other nuns you had met.

She was too stubborn to quit on anyone. And maybe that was why you liked talking to her, because it seemed like she wasn’t quitting on you.

“I thought you’d grown bored of this place.” She offered with a bit of amusement, though she was clearly worn down. “Or that little event scared you away.”

“No.” You chuckled. “He got me good, I’ll admit. And it was strange. But it takes more than a cheap shot to get rid of me.”

“We missed you this morning. Some of the older ladies.. They asked about the ‘sweet young girl who sits outside’.”

“That’s what they call me?” You smiled slightly.

“Well, they just don’t know better.”

You couldn’t help but laugh.

“How are you today, Alivia?” She asked honestly.

“It has not been my favorite… Work was interesting. We had this raid and it worked, I’m not complaining about that. It’s what I’m supposed to be doing with this job, y’know? But… The guy that gave us the information, I can’t stand him. Honestly, Sister, I hate him. And I don’t like this feeling of having to be around him again.”

“Do you feel the FBI is your calling?”

“I don’t think I have a calling.” You said honestly. “I’ve tried a lot of different things. The assassin I was raised to be, a mercenary, a lawyer, a vigilante, private security, now FBI… I just wanted to help people who needed it, who were stuck under someone else’s thumb. People like me when I was little, with no one willing to protect them. And I have, in a lot of different ways, but I don’t know about my calling.”

“In some aspects, you remind me of Matthew… When he was younger, of course.”

“In a good way?”

She sighed slightly but offered a fond smile, remembering Matt as a child striking a sentimental cord.

“He was always angry, sometimes lost. He always seemed like he was fighting, be it against himself or the city’s darkness when he got older.” She continued, her eyes falling downward as she toyed with her fingers. “But at his core, he had a good heart, up until his end. And I truly believe you do, too.”

You smiled slightly. Maybe Matt was right after all. Maybe you did have your own light.

“What about you, Sister? What’s wearing you down today?”

“There’s a man who… Well, he’s a great many things. Stubborn, mainly, but also defeated. And I can’t seem to find what sparks a want to continue.”

“Is he alone? No friends or family.”

“He’s not. He has both, or had, I suppose. Friends, even a girlfriend. But he doesn’t want them to know where he is.”

“Sounds lonely..”

She hummed in agreement.

“So why not let him rot in his misery alone? If he’s so determined to isolate himself, maybe you should let him.”

“This one, I’m personally responsible for.”

“How so?”

“He grew up here.” She answered simply but there seemed to be something else there, though you didn’t ask.

“Ah… Well, if he’s really choosing this solitude, I’d say just be there for him, best you can be. He’ll probably keep trying to push and seclude himself but if you really feel you have to help him, just keep pushing back. I know that for me, after Matt, I pushed away the only two friends I thought I had in this city... And I thought that hiding behind Billy and Anvil… I thought those things could fix me, spark something in me, but they didn’t. It just made me feel worse until it got to a point where I didn’t want to feel anything. I didn’t want to die per say, but I didn’t wanna live like that anymore. So I buried everything and threw myself into a fight that didn’t really involve me, then I got stuck with this.” You shook the wrist with the brace.

“And how do you feel now?”

“Somewhere in between, I think. Nothing’s perfect and there’s still this hollowness in my chest but… I can talk about him without feeling like I’m suffocating. I realized that I can’t just shut everything off and expect people to stick around. I care about people and I have to kinda take the good with the bad, even when it almost kills me. When it takes a piece of me and buries it hundreds of feet below the city.”

“We all heal in our own ways.”

“Yeah.. Problem was, I didn’t know how to grieve on my own. When I was a kid, we weren’t allowed to grieve. It was either someone came back or they didn’t. As long as you were still standing, you kept moving. And when Elektra died, I had Matt. But then Matt was gone and I went home every night to no one. I didn’t know what else to do other than distract myself. I’ve made mistakes but I’m trying to do better.”

“All we can do is take things one day at a time..” She nodded before she stood. “I truly do enjoy our little chats. Till next time, Alivia.”

“Good night, Sister.”

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