#breakdown about not being respected by anyone yesterday

[blujayonthewing]

I should pin this. I should get a tattoo of this. I should change my name to this entire post somehow

[littlequackerman]

Diluc Ragnvindr x Reader- Replaced (hurt/comfort??)

You quickly found your abilities became obsolete when Lumine arrived in Mondstadt. Feeling hopeless, you run away, only to be caught by a certain red haired wine tycoon.

(A/n: Ohhhhh my god i actually finished this thing. i started it while i was having a breakdown and finished it yesterday. im actually rlly proud of it lol)

I tried to keep this one as gn as possible and i think i did good. reader has a vision and is in the Knights, id say theyre around as high in the ranks as amber if that makes sense lol.

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You had worked hard for years to rise to your position in the Knights of Favonius. Although you weren't as high up in the ranks as people like Kaeya or Jean, you pulled your weight and always got the job done. You wielded your weapon with confidence and always did your best to help protect the people of Mondstadt. This had taken you some time, but your efforts had clearly paid off. You were a highly respected and valued member of the Knights of Favonius.

So how come Lumine had barely been in Mondstadt for two weeks and had already risen to your level in the ranks?

No, she wasn't just at your level of hard earned respect- she had surpassed it. Everyone was talking about her. She just showed up in Mondstadt and became a knight (even though it was honorary), a process that everyone else had to work at for years before successfully completing and earning their titles.

You watched as your fellow knights and citizens of the City of Freedom grew to quickly adore her and completely forget about all of the effort you had put in.

You weren't an idiot. You had never been on her level. You weren't all powerful, and you weren't a perfect fighter. You certainly had no reason to be famous. But Lumine was the only person anyone in the Knights was talking about, praising her for deeds like defeating abyss mages and wiping out hilichurl camps, all things you had done many times in the past and hadn't received as much praise as her for accomplishing.

Then, she truly began to replace you. Jean gave tasks normally assigned to you to her, telling you to go home early for the day or go help out with busywork. Usually on the rare occasion you had nothing to do for the day, you would accompany Kaeya on missions, but of course he was busy with her as well. 

And soon, so was Diluc.

You and Diluc had been friends for several years at that point. Although he was normally serious and straightforward, this part of him would crack a little around you. In the last year or two, however, you had found yourself falling for the man.

How could you not? He was dedicated to protecting Mondstadt. He was disciplined and successful, despite all of the hardship he had endured in his late teens with his father and brother. He was caring. And not to mention absolutely gorgeous. But you had always thought he was a bit out of your league, and that he deserved someone on his level.

Like Lumine. 

You saw how close they had gotten, how his identity as the Darknight Hero was revealed to her so quickly, while it had taken years for him to tell you about that part of him- and he had only told you about it because you had caught him putting on his mask as he left the tavern one night. You thought you had come to accept that there was no way he'd love you back, but seeing them get so close stirred feelings within you you thought you had gotten rid of.

For a while, you did nothing, trying to be happy for the girl working so hard to protect the city. As every day passed of going into work and being promptly told you weren't needed, you began to feel worse and worse, growing more and more hopeless with every mention of her name.

All of your insecurities came to a climax during the final fight against Stormterror. When you realized something was going on, you rushed to the Knights of Favonius's headquarters for a briefing. When you asked Jean how you could help, clutching your weapon, declaring you could and would help fight Dvalin, she said you could just stay in Mondstadt and help make sure nothing happened to the citizens.

This was the final straw. A part of you felt selfish, knowing how important it was that the city was protected by capable fighters, but part of you was hurt. Normally you would have gone along to fight a massive threat, but this time you were simply left to hold down the fort.

And when it was all over, when Stormterror was defeated and the city was safe, Lumine was hailed as a hero. You weren't surprised at that point, she had done everything recently, of course she would defeat one of the Four Winds.

You had enough. The night after the battle, as the city was filled with a mixture of celebration and festivity at the quelled threat, and solemn rebuilding of broken homes and businesses, you took the opportunity to leave unnoticed. You wrote a note saying you were quitting the knights and not coming back into the city for a while and left it on Jean's desk. You packed up some of your belongings into a bag- just some clothes, rations, and first aid supplies- and left the city.

You spent a while wandering the continent, venturing into Liyue, seeing pieces of nature you hadn't expected to see so soon in your life and fighting enemies tougher than ones you had fought before. After a while, you decided to wander closer to Mondstadt for a little bit, never going close to the city itself and avoiding the knights whenever you heard they would be near.  You continued to fulfill your oath of protecting people, defeating enemy after enemy that threatened innocents. You fought regisvines, mercenaries and treasure hoarders, and even a hypostasis and emerged victorious from each fight, albeit with some relatively minor injuries. Perhaps some sad part of you still wanted to prove yourself. You grew exponentially during this time, and you didn't even know how long you had been gone- was it one month? Two? It didn't matter. It seemed doubtful that anyone had even noticed you were gone.

You were wandering through the woods a little ways away from Springvale one night when you heard two children crying out for help. Running to the source of the sound, you discovered two children being targeted by two abyss mages and some hilichurls. You saw one of the abyss mages charging a blast of fire to shoot at the kids, and without thinking, you placed yourself in front of the children, taking most of the blast. You charged at the monsters, quickly taking out the hilichurls with a few hits and moving on to the mages. As you told the children to run back into Springvale, a figure appeared behind you. A male voice that sounded fairly familiar called out to you. 

"Those are abyss mages! They're much more dangerous than hilichurls! You stay with the kids!"

You didn't even turn to face the figure as you responded. 

"I know what they are, I've beat way worse! I'll handle this! I'm more than capable of beating a few abyss mages!" You shouted, grunting as you defeated the first mage. A few minutes later you slayed the other one as well. You turned and rushed over to the kids, checking them for any injuries. When you looked up at the mysterious figure, you were horrified to realize you knew who it was.

It was the Darknight Hero, also known as Diluc Ragnvindr.

"Y/N! Where have you been, everyone's been worried about you! Didn't you realize disappearing like that would have everyone worried sick?!"

You felt a pang of guilt at his words. Maybe people really did miss you… but if they truly cared, they wouldn't have replaced you. They wouldn't have thrown you away, you thought.

"Listen, Dilu- I mean, Darknight Hero. I wasn't needed anymore, so I left. It doesn't matter. And anyways, that's not our priority right now. We should make sure these kids get back into Springvale safely."

He grunted. "Alright. I'll go with you into Springvale, but once we drop off these two we need to have a serious discussion about some things."

You and Diluc walked the kids back into Springvale, telling their parents about what had happened and making sure they got into their homes safely. As you two walked out of the town, it almost felt like the air itself was suffocating you. You considered just running away, but that probably wouldn't help much. He could catch up with you. 

What did he think about you now? He probably hated you for running away. He had probably completely replaced you with Lumine by now. They were probably dating.

After what felt like an eternity of walking through the woods, you and Diluc made it to the Windrise tree. As you gazed up at the tree, Diluc broke the silence.

"So where have you been all this time?" 

"I walked to Liyue. I travelled through there for a while but wanted to stop near home for a little bit. I plan on seeing the rest of Liyue, going through the Chasm, and then going to Sumeru later this month."

"Why exactly did you have to leave so suddenly? You never told me you were planning to visit Liyue. I would've said goodbye to you before you left."

As he said that, he turned his gaze towards the sky. He looked… regretful?

"I wasn't planning on it."

"So you just randomly decided to travel to another nation one night?"

"Not exactly."

He suddenly turned towards you and looked straight into your eyes. 

"So why did you leave, y/n? Did someone tell you to leave? Were you threatened? What aren't you telling me?!?"

As he spoke, he started to sound more frenzied. Although seeing his tough facade fade sometimes was nice to watch, this was scary. You started to feel guilty for leaving without telling him.

"Diluc, nobody threatened me. I left because Mondstadt and the Knights don't need me. They found someone better and I got tired of feeling useless every day." You shifted and looked towards the ground. "I've done more while traveling this last month or two than I have in so long. Since Lumine got here I haven't had an opportunity to use my weapon, but I've gotten to fight so many more things and help so many more people than I did back in Mondstadt during the Stormterror crisis. And I doubt anyone truly missed me. If they said they did, they probably just said it out of courtesy. I'm sure they'll all be fine, they have Lumine now." As you mentioned her name, you felt spite run through your veins. "She can clearly do so much more than I ever could."

You lifted your head to look at Diluc. He had a look of shock on his face, and didn't say anything for a second. Then he finally spoke.

"So you're saying you left because you were jealous of the Traveler?"

Your tone changed to something angrier, sharper.

"Yeah, I guess you could say that."

Diluc sighed. "I'm sorry that they all made you feel that way. But rest assured, nobody meant to replace you. I'm sure they didn't realize what they were doing. You could never be replaced, y/n-"

"How could you POSSIBLY say that I could never be replaced when you replaced me too!"

You didn't even realize you were shouting at Diluc.

"What are you talking about, y/n? I could never replace you! You are a wonderful person, why would I ever want someone else in my life?"

"You did replace me, Diluc! Just like everyone else did! You completely stopped visiting me when she got here! Whenever I tried to find you, you were with her! You abandoned me for her!"

At this point, you were starting to cry as you yelled at him. "And I can't even be angry at her because you deserve someone like her! You deserve someone so much better than me! She's perfect- she's beautiful, and so strong, and has accomplished so much, and everyone loves her, and look at me! I'm never going to compare to her! It's no wonder you're in love with her…"

Although you said the last part of your rant under your breath, he still heard what you said.

"Y/n. Please. Look at me."

You looked at him.

"I am afraid I must apologize to you. I am so, so sorry for how I've treated you recently, and I'm so sorry it took all this for me to realize my mistakes. I promise you, I never meant to replace you with Lumine. The truth is, I've been busy recently with her because we've been investigating the Abyss Order. The Abyss Order manipulated Dvalin into attacking the city, and I was busy trying to get to the bottom of the situation without worrying the citizens of Mondstadt. I should've tried to make time for you, and I know sorry probably isn't enough, but I'm afraid it's all I have to give at this moment."

Suddenly, it all made sense. You should've figured he'd be trying to help with the Stormterror threat. And of course she would be able to help with that. You felt some of the jealousy fade away, but some of it still clung on to your heart, a weight waiting to be lifted.

"And another thing."

He looked away from you, glancing at the ground.

"Your notion that I am in love with Lumine is incorrect. Although I now consider her a good friend, the feelings I hold towards her and you are different. You mean much more to me than she ever has. The entire time we were out chasing after the Abyss, you were all I could think about, and when you disappeared I was terrified for you. So please trust me when I say she is not the one I love, but you are."

You were in disbelief. Did Diluc really just say he felt the same way towards you? 

"Wait, Diluc. Did you just- are you saying that you have feelings for me?"

Although his head was turned away from you, you could see a blush spread across his face. 

"Yes, that…is what I'm trying to say. I've grown to love you in the time we've spent together. I tried to ignore it for the sake of our friendship but as more and more time has passed it has become increasingly difficult to ignore. If this damages our relationship so be it. You deserve to know the truth."

Stunned, your mind went blank of a reply for a moment. You took a deep breath before replying.

"Diluc, I… I love you too. I'm so, so sorry I left without telling you, and I'm so sorry I was jealous of you and Lumine, and I'm so sorry for making you worry about me, and I love you so much, I- I-"

At this point you were crying and couldn't form a proper sentence. You looked down, hiding your head in your hands, too embarrassed to look at Diluc. He wrapped his arms around you and put one hand on the back of your head, pulling you into a warm embrace. Although he was generally standoffish, you had to admit he was a great hugger. You sobbed in his arms for a while, letting out months worth of stress. You kept babbling little "I'm sorrys" and other incoherent apologies, but he kept his arms around you the whole time, comforting you and assuring you that it was okay and he loved you. After a while you stopped crying, and at that point the sun was beginning to rise. You and Diluc stood under the great Windrise Tree and watched the sun slowly rise among the cloudscape.

"If you want to keep traveling I won't stop you, but I think you should stop by the Knight's headquarters and tell Jean and Kaeya that you're okay. They've all been worried about you."

"Yeah, you're right, I probably should. But I wanna stay with you for now…" you said as you leaned into him once again. You suddenly let out a loud yawn, realizing how tired you were from a night of fighting and crying. Diluc also noticed your sleepiness.

"Do you want to go back to the winery with me to get some sleep?"

"Yes. That would be absolutely wonderful. I'm exhausted."

"Then let's go."

You and Diluc walked back to the Dawn Winery in the light of the early morning sun, holding hands and talking about everything that had happened while you were apart. When you got back to the winery, you slept through much of the day in your lover's arms, and spent the rest of it making up for lost time, telling stories of your adventures and eating food Adelinde brought you. 

It felt like a burden had been lifted off of you, and you could finally enjoy days of peace with Diluc without standing in the shadow of another person.

Bonus:

The next day, Diluc took you to the Knights of Favonius's headquarters. Everyone was surprised, but pleased at your return. Diluc explained why you had left to your superiors, and they rushed to apologize to you.

It turned out that right after you left for Liyue, so did Lumine as she sought the Geo Archon. And with two of their best workers gone, the Knights were barely coping with rebuilding the city from Stormterror's damages. 

You could tell they were truly remorseful for how they had treated you the last few months, with even the normally aloof Kaeya looking grim as the situation was explained to him.

It also turned out that you weren't the only one fed up with their actions after Lumine's arrival. Many other knights felt like they had been cast aside after the Traveler's arrival. You were just the only one to leave.

You weren't sure if you could forgive them just yet, and you knew you wanted to travel some more before officially returning to the knights. 

But now you knew how truly important you were to your friends in the Knights, and you had a loving boyfriend to boot. Overall, things were finally starting to look up for you, and you knew that no matter how far you traveled from your homeland, you would have people waiting for you when you got home. 

Finding the one you loved had truly led to the ending you deserved.

[tellthemeerkatsitsfine]

Trigger warning for a bunch of shit and I am genuinely sorry that I can't parse out what, if in doubt just probably stay away from it altogether.

I keep reading about people being glad they quit drinking because of all these negative experiences with alcohol, and I just hardly had any of those, I always had fun when I drank, and not in a wild do things I regret way, just it was nice to sit and relax and listen to music. And sometimes I’d get really emotional and sometimes that emotion would be sad or angry but usually that was stuff I was feeling anyway and couldn’t express sober so I would feel better for having got drunk and get to properly feel it.

The one thing – the one really big negative effect of alcohol that I got all the time and really wanted it to stop – was the psychological hangover the next day, where I’d spent all morning and most of the afternoon being convinced that I’d been a terrible person the night before, that if I’d interacted with anyone in any way from a message to a Tumblr post or God forbid in person I’d said something horrifyingly wrong and should be ashamed of that, and I’d really really hate myself. Even if objectively all I did was sit in my room listening to music while drinking whiskey. I wanted that to stop. And I figure I have a lot of respect for sober people, I know they make better choices than I do, so maybe if I stop drinking then I can stop having the hangovers where I hate myself and also I’ll just like myself better in general for being the kind of person I respect.

But it’s been so much the opposite. I don't know how much it's from the not drinking or maybe I was just going to have a breakdown this month anyway, but my levels of hating myself have gone through the roof lately. Just yesterday I spent a Sunday convinced that everything I’ve done lately has been drastically wrong and terrible, and I didn’t even need to drink to make it happen. But at least when I feel that way after drinking, I know it has a specific cause and the feeling will wear off as the hangover does. But now I just have that feeling creeping in all the time and there’s not a point where it’ll expire.

Last week at work I had a somewhat scary incident where a kid tried to hurt himself and then I came home and spent all night panicking that I’d dealt with it wrong and was going to get fired for being a terrible person. Then I went into work the next day and my supervisor told me I did a good job and it turned out it was fine. But then the next day didn’t have any particularly bad incidents at work and I still had this immediate regret for everything I did, like I’d immediately have this deep regret about it like the type I get during hangovers, but for something quite normal that I said like five minutes ago.

It’s been escalating for a few weeks, really, and then yesterday I went for brunch with my dad and came home and cried for an hour because I was convinced I’d said something terrible even though I’m pretty sure it was objectively fine. Then I tried to distract myself with Tumblr posts but immediately after became convinced that everything I’d said there was also wrong (and I’m definitely getting that feeling with this one too). And throwing myself into comedy is always my distraction but it’s creeping into that, I was reading stuff on a Taskmaster subreddit and managed to twist that into convincing myself that I was a terrible person because of the kind of comedy I like, which I’m pretty sure this morning is probably not the case but it seemed like a really significant problem yesterday.

Anyway, this escalated quite badly over a few hours and then I [don’t need to actually get into gory details here, maladaptive coping mechanisms but I didn’t drink any alcohol] spiralled really fast into feeling suicidal for the first time in just over a year, and then I get scared because my roommate’s out of town and I don’t have any other friends left to call in a situation like that (I definitely used to have friends that I’d call at a time like that and they could call me at bad times too, but lost touch with basically everyone in the last few years, I had a brief thought that I guess this is why people stay in relationships so they don’t have to be on their own at a time like that but then I realized that if I were still with my ex-girlfriend I’d have canceled on her this weekend because I didn’t feel up to the social expectations of a romantic relationship, in fact when we were together I did cancel on her for reasons like that, and that sort of thing is why it ended, so I guess being in a relationship would not help in this instance), and I was scared that I would hurt myself (more than I already had, again I will spare the details) if I was by myself, so I called a mental health line, and they said if nothing else the physical symptoms I was describing means I should probably go to a hospital, so I did that, and they did some EKGs and stuff to make sure my chest pain and dizziness and numbness was in fact just anxiety, and then they gave me a benzodiazepine and it made me feel quite high, so I guess my streak of being sober for all of 2024 so far is over. It’s been about six years, I think, since I last had anxiety so severe that I went to a hospital. But it was probably the right choice.

I was supposed to work 8-6 today but I woke up and could not get out of bed so I called in sick. Which I am also freaking out about, because that’s exactly what I was afraid would happen when I started working fulltime in person, that I won’t be able to handle it. And you get a certain number of days when this can happen and you can call in and it’s okay, but past that point you can’t keep your job and pay rent anymore. And historically, there have been times when I get like this and its lasts more than one day.

I said I was going to not drink in January because I was trying to use the trick I use on treadmills. I run at a pace where I know I can go about 22 minutes before completely burning out. But that’s a fast enough pace so I’m already really tired by about 4 minutes, and if I’m 4 minutes into a run and tell myself I still have to get to 22, I’ll get overwhelmed about how that’s impossible, I’ll panic about being given an impossible task, my body will dump a bunch of adrenaline from anxiety and then I actually won’t be able to run for as long. So I tell myself that it’s okay if just this once, I stop by 10 minutes, if I really can’t go on. Then I get to 9 minutes and realize I can keep going for a bit, so I say okay, do 13. Then I keep doing that until I eventually end up going for 22.

It was supposed to be like that. If I tell myself I’m going to completely quit drinking forever, I’ll just think that’s impossible and I won’t bother to try, I’ll just start drinking again as soon as it gets hard. So say I’ll do January, that seems possible enough to be worth pushing through the hard parts, and then once I manage that I can extend it. But honestly I underestimated how hard it would be. I figured I’m already down to only drinking twice a week, how hard can it be to go from two to zero? Really hard, turns out.

Because the thing is that you do eventually get to get off the treadmill. While according to this analogy, if I do this right then I have to keep running on a treadmill forever. Alcohol is the only break I get from living in my brain with all the anxiety and regret and hating myself and thinking everything I’ve ever done is wrong, and if I quit drinking then I’m asking myself to go for the entire rest of my life without a break from that, and what happened yesterday is that kind of hit me and made me think in that case I’d really like the rest of my life to not last for all that long. I used to motivate myself to get through stressful days at work by saying I can sit down with whiskey on the weekend and have a break. But now the weekends are also just exercises in trying not to drink, and the next thing in my life that I’m actually looking forward to is a trip to the UK but it doesn’t feel like enough to get me through months with no break.

 I was genuinely convinced yesterday that the type of comedy I like makes me a terrible person. I read some stuff about people who don’t like the same thing I do and I spiralled into the worst explanation for that and I started to panic about every single post I’ve ever made on this blog. That’s the kind of thought I might have the morning after drinking a bunch of alcohol but I’d also be able to slightly step out of it, remind myself that this is an artificial feeling caused by a hangover, and wait for it to go away. I think that’s the biggest part of abstaining from drinking that I didn’t see coming. Didn’t expect that to drastically escalate. No idea why that happened.

It's possible that I underestimated how bad an addiction can still be even if you only do something twice a week, and I shouldn’t have tried to just stop it all at once with no plan or support for it (although it’s not completely true that I have no support, I genuinely think I’d have started drinking again by now if I didn’t have this Tumblr blog to write in and have a bit of an outlet, which is why I’m writing this now even though I already know as soon as I post it I’m going to become convinced that I shouldn’t have put this out there and I’ll regret this too). But I don’t really know what else I’m supposed to do, I don’t have any better ideas.

I keep having dreams where I’m drinking, and they’re just like the dreams I used to have when I was a competitive athlete and cutting weight. We used to have to do all these drastic things in the week before big tournaments to get into a weight class, that involved eating very little for ages and then for the last couple of days not eating or drinking anything and sitting saunas and running in sweaters to lose water. And I would always have these recurring nightmares where I’d eat a bunch of food, then immediately remember that I was supposed to be cutting weight, and panic and realize I’d ruined it all in a few moments and then try to throw it up. Though in the last couple of days I’d be so thirsty that I wouldn’t even feel hungry anymore, I used to say that I haven’t eaten in 2 days but if you offered me bread I wouldn’t take it because it would just make me thirstier and that’s all I can think about, and then I’d have dreams where I’d jump into a pool and drink all the water, and then I’d remember that I wasn’t supposed to do that, and freak out about it.

I haven’t had dreams like that in years, but I’ve had a bunch of them this month, where I drink some whiskey and it feels really good in the moment, and then I immediately remember that I’ve set a rule against that and now I’ve broken it and I’ve ruined everything and there’s no changing it because I can’t un-drink that and I wake up freaking out. I haven’t had dreams like that for years because I haven’t competed for years, so it feels scary to bring that back too. Cutting weight used to be horrible, not just in the last few days when I was doing something drastic, but even in the weeks before when all I did was restrict my food. As soon as I told myself I couldn’t have something, all I’d be able to think about was wanting to eat a Subway sandwich or something, just because I couldn’t do it. I sort of feel like I’ve also set myself up to spend the rest of my life feeling the way I used to when I cut weight, having to make a conscious effort to avoid having something I really want, but this time there’s no point where we get to weigh in and then immediately drink 2 litres of Powerade. It’s just my whole life. I don’t want it to last that long if it’ll all feel like that.

I know, by the way, that all of this is not a sign I should start drinking again, it’s a sign that I had a bigger problem than I thought and I should definitely not be drinking. I do know that. I’d just like to be clear that I do know that. This blog is for posting whatever irrational shit I’m thinking, feeling a bit better and less scared now that I know that’s out there and I’m not trying to do it completely alone, and then later regretting ever putting anything on the internet or indeed saying anything to anyone, but still, it helps in the moment. Anyway, the point is that I know none of these feelings are good or correct or rational. I’m just trying to untangle how I spiralled so fast yesterday. Though a fair bit of it was also just being convinced that everything I’ve ever said is incorrect and makes me a terrible person. Which used to only happen when I drank but now apparently just happens all the time forever. That is also the sort of thing that makes me not want forever to be that long.

I’m pretty sure my perspective on everything is wildly skewed and I haven't been right about anything since about 2018. I definitely used to do things and not immediately regret them. I do have a bit of an excuse for how incoherent this specific post is, which is I think the pill I got at the hospital last night is having some lingering effects. And I’m not an idiot, I did rip up the prescription they gave me for more of those to take as needed if this happens again, I am not going to add a benzodiazepine addition to my life right now.

Also I feel weirdly self-conscious about the fact that I now actually sort of know a couple of the people who read this blog, so it's not just shouting anonymously into the void, sorry to those people for being weirdly more personal than you'd normally be with people you actually interact with personally, I don't have the clearest view at the moment of what's appropriate to say to anyone.

[spellboundshadow]

Polyamory and Me: Beyond the Kitchen Table

PROMPT: Where are you on your polyam journey and where do you hope to go? (from Polyamory Uncensored)

In this journal entry, I'll breakdown the building blocks of my personal brand of polyamory. First, it's crucial to understand the framework that underpins it all: I practice hierarchal, D&D-table, family-oriented, omnisexual polyamory. At this time, I would be unwilling to do any other versions of those defined terms, so these are the terms I'll be breaking down in this writing.

My Polyamorous Present

Hierarchal

Hierarchy in polyamory is defined as: "In hierarchical polyamory, certain partners are considered to have priority over others." (Britannica.com) ... yes I just quoted an encyclopedia.

This one is controversial, but I have come to believe that all polyamory is hierarchal in some way. Humans love ranking things. And real talk, there is priority given where time and emotional investment are spent. Because those things are finite resources.

I've also learned the hard way that by trying to consider someone "equal" who is not interested in that is only going to end in hurt and disaster. What MzRhythm and I have is really special. And trying to shoe-horn someone into a similar position in my life isn't fair to anyone. However! I think it's important to remember that ALL people are deserving of equal respect and dignity.

I commented on a polyamory post (which I can't find) about a year ago asking "is hierarchy inherently unethical?" and the response that I found most interesting was someone saying something along the lines of "I can't imagine every considering any partner as less than another." We went on to explore that the person in question lives in a polyfidelity triad situation with no kids ... which is very different than my situation. But that conversation was really helpful in defining for myself that (1) no, hierarchy is not a red flag necessarily and that (2) it is possible to respect the rights, dignity, and equality of every person without treating them exactly the same.

I don't think it's ethical for me to say "I will love you the same as I love my wife" because those relationships are never going to be the same. But also, it's important to define expectations for things like "we will sleep in the same bed together unless otherwise discussed" that has to be discussed with other partners when we are going on a trip as a group. Not that we can't sleep with other people on that trip, but practically that looks like discussing sleeping arrangements on every trip.

The challenge of polyamory will always be communication. Hierarchy or not.

D&D Table

I made up this term because my polycule loves to get together and play D&D or board games. It's somewhere between Garden Party and Kitchen Table polyamory. For context: I like this article to explain GPP and KTP. On thinking about it, it's probably closer to KTP than anything else.

So first off, I need my partners and my metamours to be on good enough terms that we can all attend a party together and no one is in the corner talking shit about anyone else or feeling shitty about being there. However, I'd like this to be more than just polite conversation.

The current configuration of relationships and people can (and do monthly) get together together to play D&D and board games. We take turns cooking or bringing food and hang out for hours or days playing games and just connecting with one another. Right now, I'm running Rime of the Frostmaiden for my partners and two metas. Yesterday, four of us went to the Renaissance Festival together.

The challenge here again is communication. I don't want to start any new relationships with people whose other partners I find unbearable or who don't want to interact with me, no matter how much I enjoy the person I am dating. However, I haven't always known how to communicate this in existing relationships. I've had relationships end because the person I was seeing started dating someone new who (1) became a higher priority in their life (and therefore I was deprioritized) and (2) the new person refused to interact with me. That's a thing that is hard to reconcile and I still haven't figured out post-mortem how it could have been overcome without me becoming someone I'm not or the breakup that ultimately ensued.

It's very couple's privilege of me to say "I want to be on good terms with anyone new that you decide to date," but the way my current partners and I do polyamory makes it hard to feel good about a new meta without communication on all sides. If someone refuses to communicate? Well, that's a red flag for me. This might end up being a whole other journal entry right here.

Family-Oriented

In my best, most ideal version of polyamory, I would love to have a core family unit of many adults who live close together (maybe in a homestead format?) and have an interconnected community of love and care. The challenge is finding and maintaining relationships with people who align with my values and who remain aligned as we grow and learn together. And then there's the parenting part.

The first exercise in The Jealousy Workbook by Kathy Labriola is "Your Relationship Role Models." One of the key things that determines how close I am with someone is what am I modeling for my children. I could be having a fabulous time with someone, but I think hard about who I am willing to bring into the "family" circle. That will likely change as they get older and grow up and move on to building their own lives outside of our house, but right now that is a key concern. 

For context, I am "involved" with two people in the polyamorous sense: my wife and Mistress MzRhythm and my lover DreadPirateBones. Both are nesting partners. I currently have no other romantic relationships, but am close with several friends that I consider also family.

But the question then becomes who gets to decide what is considered family. My gut instinct is to say "well MzRhythm and I are married and have kids together so we decide who is in their lives" but that's only one aspect of the situation. DreadPirateBones lives here too, what if he doesn't want someone around all the time as if they are family? Or what if he starts seeing someone and they are around a lot? What if I start seeing someone who MzRhythm doesn't want around? And vice versa?  

Once again, I'm landing on communication. "COMMUNICATE" is house rule number one for a reason haha.

Omnisexual

This one is easier to define, but harder to unpack. I often call myself bisexual because that's the identifier that feels right for me and I use it to mean I am attracted to mascs and femmes ... I don't tend to be attracted to androgyny, although I do tend to be attracted to gender-bending. IDK man, I just want to flirt with all the sexy people and sometimes I don't care what they look like as long as they can keep up with my overactive brain.

However, I do find my emotional relationships with people who identify as men to be less emotionally fulfilling. And that lends itself to hierarchy a bit in my mind, I think. But that is also something that I have had to work on for a long time, because frankly it feels hella threatening when my wife is dating a femme for the opposite reasons. It's not that I think they are going to replace me, but because I have this impression that women tend to be more emotionally available, which allows for deeper emotional intimacy. 

This sentiment has been reinforced by partners who've had other relationships with high emotional intimacy and low disclosure. It feels like those things are correlated and I don't like it. But who am I to dictate how much intimacy my partners find with other people? I need to get OK with feeling left out and I'm not sure how to do that.

On Labels

This isn't part of the definition, but is important to discuss ... I am a huge lover of labels in relationships. I find that it can be reassuring to have a unique label for everyone I am involved with. Labels are not just linguistic constructs, but vital emotional markers ... a kind of shorthand for the collection of feelings and connections that make up each relationship. They help each relationship feel unique and special, and hold a boundary to keep each relationship from infringing on or trying to copy the feelings and definitions of another. To some, this might seem like an exercise in unnecessary categorization, but to me, it's a source of comfort and clarity.

Having a specific label for each person I'm involved with serves multiple purposes: 

It reinforces the notion that every relationship is distinct, a world of its own with its own nuances and dynamics. It's a testament to the idea that love isn't a one-size-fits-all affair.

Labels act as bumpers (like bowling, I guess), guarding against the unintentional blending or mimicry of emotions from one relationship to another. Without them, it can become all too easy for feelings or definitions to blur, potentially causing confusion and emotional turbulence.

But again, labels require a lot of COMMUNICATION! It's not fair to assign someone a label without talking to them about it. And if it starts to feel like it doesn't it? MOAR TALKING!

Looking Ahead

For the journey forward, there are some important questions I've uncovered, which I'll be exploring with my partners. These questions delve into the heart of what defines family, the rules of engagement for adding new partners, the necessary level of disclosure, and the evolving nature of investment in relationships.

These questions include:

What defines family and who in the polycule gets to define it?

What do rules of engagement for adding new partners look like? And how can we discuss this without introducing red flag kinds of privilege into the relationship?

How much disclosure is needed in discussing potential new partners and for what happens with that disclosure once the new relationship is established?

What does "enough" investment look like? This is constantly changing as relationships change and evolve. So a better question might be: What is the framework for asking for more investment in a relationship? How do you say "I don't need this particular investment anymore, thank you!" without it sounding like de-escalation?

What does emotional intimacy look like and how can I foster it in relationships with men? And do I need to if my needs for emotional intimacy are being fulfilled by not-men? Is it fair that men benefit from a sexual relationship with me without being expected to do emotional labor in said relationship? Where is the line?

Together with my partners, I'll have to navigate these complexities, striving for a polyamorous experience that is grounded in love, respect, and open communication.

Fall 2023 Writing Index

This writing has been part of my effort to write everyday from the autumn equinox to the winter solstice. Find the rest of the writings in this series here: Fall 2023 Writing Index

[yuridovewing]

PO3 PMMM AU? please do tell...

hi sorry this is late i was very busy yesterday sflsdf

ok so to be clear, this would take place in an anthro world (could just be human but like, i like anthros sdfjlksdf) and i'm not entirely sure what's going on with the clans worldbuilding yet, but for now i'm just putting them in a regular neighborhood city thing or something. imagine the "leaders" are more like community leaders or so? firestar is the mayor or something, so his grandchildren are still significant to the community. and they do have quarrels with the other "clans" i think idk i want to keep that aspect.

so remember my one post about the tunnels being a supernatural entity in my au? I'm thinking either that or starclan takes kyubey's role. moreso starclan cause symbolism or something.

basically the three are all teenagers initially who want to do good for their community. there's a lot of pressure on them for being flame(firestar)'s grandchildren, as well as bramble's children (who miiight be a cop here bc "deputy" but i am hesitant on that. might hit close to home. he may be a firefighter or something instead, like a town hero, point is people love him). because there's a lot of pressure on them to succeed and uphold the family legacy, lion, jay, and holly all have their own insecurities.

so one day, they get approached by kyubey, or starclan here, and give them the chance to be magical boys/girl. (it's not restricted to girls for the sake of including all three). they just have to make a wish and they'll all become secret superheroes fighting dark forest soldiers in the dark. all three take the opportunity, with jay contracting a bit later due to his suspicions.

lion wishes he could shield his home and family. jay wishes "he could just know what's wrong with everyone" or something like that.

holly wishes for perfection. for her family to never get in trouble with the law so they never lose anyone's respect. (maybe. this could change) regardless, this gives her illusion powers.

so the siblings become a magical trio and fight the dark forest warriors when they manifest at night. and for a while they have a grand old time, they do quirky magical stuff probably.

buuut then it's revealed that the dark forest warriors are actually people who had made a contract with starclan, and instantly were thrown away when their use was up. and this horrifies the three, who try to renounce their contracts but can't. at this point they've destroyed many spirits. they also discover all the other horrifying things, like their soul gems being their actual bodies, etc.

and yknow what's gotta happen in these aus, the family secret gets revealed baby, and holly loses it. she has a full mental breakdown, reveals it to their entire community, lashes out at her family, and turns into a witch/dark forest soldier for her efforts. now her brothers are pushed to hunt her down and destroy her.

dove, their younger cousin, contracts separately from all this. i'm not sure what her wish is, maybe to know what's happening to her family? so she gets super sense, and the bros find out and take her under their wing. i'm not sure where it goes from there

[weliketheiroldstuff]

A PORTAL TO HELL OPENED UP IN DETROIT AND THE ACACIA STRAIN, FIT FOR AN AUTOPSY, FULL OF HELL, AND PRIMITIVE MAN WERE THE SOUNDTRACK

Every photo I posted from this show on Instagram had a 311 lyric attached as the show was on 3.11.23. I know that I’m corny, I know you know it too, we both don’t really care, so let’s get with the visuals. Double vodkas and watermelon red bulls pair wonderfully with Sativa dominant hybrid hand rolled king-size cones. Just putting it out there. I dream of a day when they can be truly paired together and I can have a drink and a doobie in the smoking section. Venue staff informed me that last minute the venue manager said all drinks need to be poured because this crowd is known to get "violent".

Awww shucks. Thanks Saint Andrew's Hall! I am by no means offended, I think I speak for most metalheads and deathcore kids when I say we take that as a badge of honor. Especially considering how insane shows have been in the past in that room, and look, from my standpoint I didn’t see anything out of the ordinary all night. None of this music is entry level so it’s not like anyone in the room was ignorant of what could possibly happen. And again, as far as my knowledge it was a normal night.

Straight up, Primitive Man is abrasive and I would not play it for most people. With that being said I am a fan of just nothing but growls and breakdowns. Trio of death doom and funeral doom that literally sounds like elevator music to Hell. Or are they the soundtrack of the tear in the ground opening the portal to Hell, right in the middle of beautiful Downtown Detroit, Michigan?

Primitive Man is the first band to make me need a break. I literally had to go downstairs and then outside for a second just to get a pallet cleanser for my ears. All of a sudden the typical Detroit city soundscape sounded like heaven to me. This is not a shot at them at all, this is a sign of respect that they do exactly what they set out to do. I appreciate this band for existing more than most.

GET ME TO FUCKING FEEL SOMETHING. ANYTHING. PLEASE. FOR THE LOVE OF FUCK.

And they did, masterfully.

Full of Hell gave me the live intensity vibes of Converge while lifting the tempo massively from the funeral doom openers. Chaos. Samples. Keyboards. An absolute Madman on drums. I cannot ask for anything better when watching support bands. But the truth is this is a band I need to see headline and own a venue for an hour+. Samples and electronics filter through hardcore drum beats and blackened death styles that make my chest feel warm and cozy. I know this music could probably be used to torture normies but it gives me the biggest smile on my face to see shit like this live.

Fit For An Autopsy one of the leaders of Deathcore is damn near homicidal with their music as they are fucking killing it. I wished so badly that Will Putney was here so I can annoy the fucking shit out of him.

Yesterday they dropped a single and at every stop of the tour they're shooting the video for it. As they are crushing it I am reminded of how much I truly love this genre and especially when those fucking thrash beats come out. All this time later we're still just descendants of Dave Lombardo and Gene Hoglan. I am not fucking mad about it.

FFAA brings a much more palatable style of music to the package after two of the brashest bands on Earth, again, this is a good thing in every direction. Lighting upgrades to the main rig and then come the sub hits and insane breakdowns that make my toes curl up inside my shoes. Why do I always find it to be so calm when it is so unbelievably chaotic? No idea, but it feels perfectly normal to be doing what I am doing and witnessing professionals do their thing up close and personal…

The Acacia Strain is up next and at this moment I realize that the Kemper pedal board has a plastic covering on it. I am reminded swiftly of Vincent’s antics with water bottles and then reconfigure my entire mentality towards the 3 songs I got to photograph.

I swear, I saw them at the Modern when I used to bring cases of 40s in the Lebaron. The mid-2000s are an absolute blur. It ended up being the Hayloft in Mt Clemens. Right out the gate, TAS is a brute onslaught playing “The Beast” with help from some friends on vocals. It was chaotic as fuck, louder than the rest of the night, and the definition of a rager popping off. It did not let up, with multiple crowd-surfing photographers, water flying everywhere, clawing crowd surfers, and a wall-to-wall mosh pit. All of this is the perfect storm for a delightful evening of catharsis, release, and deathcore. Look, I smoke a lot of weed alright. Did my email say these fucking guys dropped info on ANOTHER surprise album? Jesus Christ man… so we get two new albums from The Acacia Strain this spring, good. Good. More on that when those records come out! This was an incredible lineup that consistently build to a peak of insanity with The Acacia Strain sealing up the portal to Hell in true deathcore fashion.

I've had varying experiences with staff and security over the years at venues I love and loathe. Most of the time everything is fine. But sometimes I get rubbed the wrong way. My most recent mishap was in Cleveland. Doesn't surprise me. But last Saturday I felt very accommodated and taken care of by security and staff at @standrewshall in Detroit. Look I'm a big pothead so I forget names and shit but I think it was Daryl? in the pit and Anna/Hannah? working backstage access was great with me.

Guest services were wonderful, along with VIP staff and pit security besides those mentioned. I usually never have to worry about anything besides maybe flying water bottles. And even though we had to have every drink poured that night, Vincent made sure to chuck a few cases into the crowd throughout @theacaciastrain set I just really appreciate that from big D and the pit crew and PJ of course. I just wanted to thank them for that shit. Makes doing my job so much easier every time I come there. And the upstairs bartender's thanks, bros! All the dudes in the photo do a hell of a job catching gigantic rust belt crowd surfers. And keeping nerdy music photographers like myself from getting crushed by them. None of that shit goes unnoticed.

BELOW IS THE FULL GALLERY! ALL PHOTOS AND COLLAGES WERE TAKEN AND EDITED BY CHRIS “SHERBURT” SMITH FOR I LIKE THEIR OLD STUFF

THE ACACIA STRAIN ON TOUR: WITH  FIT FOR AN AUTOPSY,  FULL OF HELL, + PRIMITIVE MAN: 3/21 — Los Angeles, CA — 1720 3/22 — Mesa, AZ — Nile Theater  3/24 — Dallas, TX — Amplified Live 3/25 — Austin, TX — Come and Take It Live  3/26 — Houston, TX — Warehouse Live 3/28 — Tampa, FL — The Orpheum 3/29 — Atlanta, GA — The Masquerade (Heaven) 3/30 — Greensboro, NC — Arizona Pete's 3/31 — Baltimore, MD — Baltimore Soundstage 4/1 — Worcester, MA — The Palladium THE ACACIA STRAIN RECORD RELEASE SHOWS: FEATURING ESCUELA GRIND, VOMIT FORTH, + CHAINED TO THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN: 5/19 — Syracuse, NY — The Lost Horizon 5/20 — Albany, NY — Empire Underground 5/21 — Portland, ME — The Cavern

[thestarseersystem]

Before I head off. Do not expect me to not defend myself when I am reiterating a point. I am no fucking doormat. If you don't like it, please just block me, because I am tired of talking to people who only take my words in bad faith.

I don't fucking need this shit. I am not going to make a fucking apology video on tumblr dot com.

I was literally reminded of my dead father yesterday. Don't pretend you know what's going on if you want to lecture me about my own relationships. I was venting online, and maybe I shouldn't have.

But I refuse to listen to unsolicited advice from people who only want to argue. This isn't a commentary channel and you are not a drama youtuber. This is literally just a tumblr blog on my own personal shit.

For everyone else, who's still here and still being kind. Thank you. I appreciate your generosity, and I am sorry for causing so much trouble. I am not doing well mentally and I just want my ocd to stop urging me to go online and check my notifications. I want it to end. I'm trying to not overshare, but it's really hard. It's not a good week for me.

I am not the bad guy you think I am. Please treat me with the same courtesy and respect you'd give to anyone else. I only act like an asshole to the people who are assholes to me. It's mutual.

If you're still listening to my mental breakdown, thanks for being here.

[coolest-in-chaldea]

Frankenstein (Berserker) Relationship Headcanons

I love Fran so much, and as someone who sometimes goes semi-verbal I love to imagine a relationship with her where you’re able to establish non-verbal communication ;-;

- Fran is definitely one of the gentler berserkers, but her creator traumatized tf out of her so it’s important to understand the things that upset her and establish what you can do to help in the event of a breakdown

- She’s capable of formulating basic words if someone can’t understand her, but it’s extremely draining and frustrating when she has to try to speak. She would appreciate it so so much if someone made an effort to understand her without making her speak, even if there’s still a communication barrier. Tbh the gesture itself would be very validating for her, since she struggles so much with being seen as less than human

- Establishing trust and expressing your appreciation for her would take some time, but I imagine her s/o would start by bringing her a flower every day, and eventually she leaves you a carefully crafted flower crown in front of your door. There’s no sign of who left this surprise gift for you, but upon closer inspection the flower you gave Fran yesterday is woven elegantly at the front of the crown where it’s still fresh petals form a beautiful centerpiece

- As a berserker, Fran can be pretty impulsive and often disregards all else when she sets her mind on something. Expect to be randomly dragged off to a flower field at least once a week. She means well, she just expresses her feelings predominantly through actions. If she pulls you away from a conversation or while you’re in the middle of doing something, she’ll stop if you ask her to, but please come find her when you’re done or she’ll think that she’s doing something wrong and get very upset with herself :(

- To say that Fran is touch starved would be a massive understatement, the only time anyone’s ever touched her was to cause her harm. At first, she recoils from touch entirely because she has only negative associations with it, but as she observes couples touching eachother, her greatest wish is still to find someone capable of loving her like that

- She tried to express that she wants physical affection, but the awful things her creator said to her weigh heavily on her mind, and it scares her..her servant class reflects her ‘monstrous’ self, and she’s terrified of hurting you! In her eyes her hands can only cause harm, so she desperately wants you to initiate things

- On the other hand, you respect her boundaries and you avoid touching her because she typically flinches away from touch. She’s grateful for the consideration, but as the misunderstanding continues she gets progressively more frustrated until she eventually just gets right in your face and....pats your head

- Tbh you probably have to stop yourself from laughing to avoid her taking it the wrong way, it’s just so bizarre but also hilariously adorable. It seems out of place to call her endearing, but her 50/50 mix of awkward and bold is just the brilliant Frankenstein charm™️

- Fran’s new favorite thing in the world is to be hugged/held by far. Anywhere, anytime she’s always absolutely overjoyed when you wrap your arms around her! Just make sure to approach her slowly and always approach from in front of her where she can she you..surprise hugs from behind startle her and her natural response to being startled as a servant is ‘IM UNDER ATTACK’

- She still grabs your hand a lot to show you things, get your attention or take you somewhere, but if you start doing the same to her it’ll make her really happy

- Fran’s primary form of communication is grunts, hums and growls, but I like to think she makes little happy noises too almost like an excited puppy :3

- I don’t think this is how her body actually works, but I’m so attached to the thought that you get a little shock, like when someone touches you with static, the first time you kiss her on the cheek..

- If you don’t brush her bangs out of her eyes or tuck her hair behind her ear what are you even doing with your life????

- Hand motions/signs aren’t really her thing but you show her how to make a heart with your hands and now she does it constantly

- If any flirty servants try to make a move on you she just kinda ominously lurks behind them like >:( until they stop

- If someone hurts you physically, they can say goodbye to their kneecaps. Fran becomes your personal guard dog

- If some hurts you emotionally, she is out for blood and someone has to immediately hide whoever did it while you try to calm her down until she settles for trying to comfort you. But from then on anytime you see that person she’s your extremely dedicated body guard. She’s not one to forgive and forget, especially if she thinks you forgave them too easily

- For your anniversary and valentine’s day, you both whip out a bouquet of flowers for the other person simultaneously, it’s really cute

- When talking to other people, refer to her as your girlfriend or partner please it makes her so freaking happy. It makes her feel human, and makes her feel complete, finally having gotten what her creator denied her and told her she’d never have

- If you ever run into Victor Frankenstein during a singularity, you’re throwing hands on sight. ‘Thanks for creating the best gf anyone could ask for, but I hope you rot in hell for everything you did to her’

- She still has pretty vivid nightmares, so she’d love nothing more than to share a room and bed with you, it makes her feel safe and secure. When she wakes up in the middle of the night, she can’t exactly tell you about her dreams, but it’s the same one every time and you know it all too well by now. Tbh just being there when she wakes up is usually enough to calm her. Having a physical reminder that you, a human who truly loves her, are still there reassures her that the dark days are all over now. Victor Frankenstein can’t hurt her anymore, and there’s nothing he can do to take you away from her. But most importantly, you’ve proved that he was wrong about her

[bangtanpromptsfics]

anemone.

dialogue prompt #5: “We are not getting married!”

pairing: jungkook x reader

genre: established relationship, angst

word count: 1,173

warnings: none

summary: you go for vacation at las vegas with your boyfriend and the boys and some haywire was well expected, but it's much crazier than you thought.

a/n: another angst oneshot!! I will start writing taehyung x reader soon. my friend chooses these prompts for me!! this is lowkey inspired from the sitcom, friends :)

masterlist

“We are not getting married!”, you groan, hands clutching your skull, “especially in Vegas and definitely not like this!”.

You knew shit was about to go down the moment Namjoon planned this trip, especially a full night at the casinos. Your wildest guess was one of them going naked in public, but it's worse. Jungkook proposed to you. Out of fucking thin air. In a bar. While he's drunk.

Anything but this.

“Baby why!?”, your boyfriend slurs. You snatch the glass of booze from him before he loses more of his mind.

“You are not in your right mind Jungkook”.

He ends up being a little grumpy at your answers. The boys were in their own worlds of being drunk. Jimin had passed out on the reception couch an hour ago. So basically there isn't anyone else to hammer sense into Jungkook’s brain. And you can't help but grow anxious.

Even though Jungkook is saying this out of a hazy mind, you can't help but wonder if he had been thinking about this.

To begin with, Jungkook wasn't your fiance. But you were indeed in a very serious relationship for the past five years. If Jungkook has to propose to you someday, you would be affirmative of course, but does he think about this when he is sober?

“You don't love me?”, he asks, trying to fill up his glass which you stop by placing a palm over it.

“Jungkook… I do love you. But please understand baby you are not in your right mind. We'll… we'll talk about this later okay? Let's just get back to hotel”. You take hold of his arm but he yanks it away.

“No! You said you don't want to marry me!”. His eyes are glistening. Does he think you wouldn't want to be his wife? Does he think you don't see a future with him? It scares you now. Of course the day at the altar when he stands there in a tux and vows to be your husband would be the best day of your life without doubt. But now you feel the more you oppress, the more insecure you are making him.

You had been anxious all these while. So you try to breathe before talking again.

“Let's go back and talk okay? ”, you say softly but you don't touch him because he is distancing from you.

“Thank God you guys are here— woah what's up with Kook?”, Namjoon barges in, the only slightly sober one left. Thank fuck.

“He had way too many shots. Joon will you help me get him back to our hotel room? ”

“Sure”.

Jungkook doesn't bat a lash at you the entire drive, and the same goes on at the hotel. He throws his jacket somewhere on the floor and plops straight into the bed.

“Kookie… are you mad? ”, you ask softly, standing at his end of bed. He doesn't answer again and turns around showing you his back.

So you nudge on his shoulder very lightly and that's when it hits you that he's crying.

“Kookie it's not what you think baby!” you rush, trying to touch him more, but he moves away.

After several attempts of trying to get his attention, you see him falling into slumber so you let him be. But now you sit with a very heavy chest. It takes several hours for you to fall asleep, and eventually you do.

__

Jungkook stirs, trying to get his throbbing head in control. Burying his head in pillows several times, he later realizes the space beside him is empty. And it's cold too, meaning you had been awake for a while.

When he sees you come into the room from the shower he smiles.

He definitely doesn't remember.

And now you don't know if you should bring this up or not.

“Fuck my eyes hurt so fucking much”, he groans, rubbing them aggressively before looking into the vanity mirror in front of the bed, “Shit, it's so swollen, was I crying last night?”.

You turn around, caught with your words. And he notices that your eyes are puffed too.

Fear in him grows as he gets out of bed immediately and approaches to cup your face, “Babe tell me what happened last night”, he demands. From the looks of it all he could comprehend he pulled some sick shit. The last thing he remembers is discussing about taking shots with Taehyung.

“Babe please tell me. If I had hurt you I'm so sorry. I swear I don't remember anything”.

“You… you proposed t-to me last night”, you say. Head low and shaky breath.

Jungkook freezes on spot, his hands coming down from your cheeks.

“And… and… what did you say? ”. He takes a few steps back because he doesn't know how to act. It was his mistake in the first place. But he fears something else.

“I said no”, you whisper. Fuck yesterday's incident was still hurting too much to be able to speak.

“I-I understand…”, he trails off.

“Baby it's not what you think! I said no because you were not in your right mind. Things like this are a big decision and I want you to be fully aware what you're doing. Please understand. I do see a future with you Jungkook. It's my dream I promise”. And with that you breakdown.

He is quick to wrap you inside his embrace. He feels so warm.

“I'm sorry I put you through it love. I'm never drinking again God”.

“And you said I don't love you”, you pout, finally looking up at him.

He wants to slap himself for saying bullshit. He is perfectly aware how strong you feel for him and never in million years he would question that. Good luck Jeon, you stoned yourself and went ahead and said it anyway.

He doesn't have a good apology for all this, so he kisses you instead. You gladly part lips for him, and he makes sure to give it to you just the way you like, slight sucking at the lips.

“I'm so sorry Y/n...I didn't mean a word of it”.

“It's alright”, you smile, finally feeling ease. You plant slow kisses on his mouth for a few minutes, stopping when Jungkook comes to say something.

“I-I just want to say Y/n, when such a day comes… I'll respect your decision… whatever it is”, he swallows a lump down.

Though he says it, he knows it'll break his heart if you said no. He had been deciding upon rings for the past months with Taehyung. He has it safe in the pocket of his tux inside the closet behind you. He is so prepared. It kills him to know he accidentally drained his own hardwork.

“Shut up Kook. Don't think a lot about it alright?”. You smile, so that he does too, “Forget about it and kiss me now”, you grab his collar, pulling him close. Warmth of his breath close to your forehead.

“Fuck I love you so much baby”.

Thank you so much for reading!! ♡

Original Content of ©bangtanpromptfics

[that-bi-bitch-writes]

A Cursed Reality- JJk x Male Reader (Ch.6)

I love you all. But I refuse to proofread this. I hope it isn’t horrible. If it is I can promise the next one won’t be. This is kind of long but kind of short and has parts taken directly from the manga but I also switch it up here and there.

Last || Next

“[Name] i’m worried about you” 

"Why?"

"Because you were hysterical over yuji's body and now you're just fine"

"My cursed technique doesn't fail. It just...doesn't. I’m Fine. Yuji's fine. i'm just waiting for him to wake up"

Megumi looked at him concerned before turning and looking at Kugisaki. They recalled how gojo described [Name] when he'd been sent out on a mission with inumaki 

"He's my best student. A little unhinged but he means well. Do Not get on his bad side. if he learns how to fully use his cursed technique [Name] has a shot at dethroning me as the strongest"

They looked at him in disbelief. sure [Name] was strong. Strong enough to not fear Sukuna but they couldn't believe he'd be stronger than Gojo. That was god-like power and it didn't make sense for someone like [Name] who fights over cheez-its and dislikes people because they "felt wrong" to be in the running for the strongest jujutsu sorcerer. One of the strongest... maybe.

"Well..." Gojo interrupted their thought "That won't happen anytime soon" He gave a closed eye smile to reassure the first years. If they'd known him a little better they'd know he was lying. [Name]'s power relied on emotions. And with him increasingly getting attached to people like Nanami, Gojo and the first years—and Inumaki of course, he grew stronger and more out of control. To avoid a repeat of what'd happen a couple years ago, They'd begun honing [Name]'s skill within Gojo's infinity. It was the only way to release such a massive amount of cursed energy undetected. 

[Name]'s dislike towards the higher ups would only prove a threat if he grew more powerful. Gojo was raised in the world of jujutsu, primed to be a shaman. [Name] became a shaman because of a terrible accident. Someone raised outside of their society with no desire to follow their hierarchy is a threat. He would be like Geto Suguru but worse. Especially since he had an attachment to the vessel of Sukuna.

"I hope [Name]-san will be okay"

"He'll get over it. by the way when did you switch to calling him [Name]-san Fushiguro?"

"He's been asking me to stop calling him senpai for a while now. But seeing him like that over Yuji's body. It really humanized him. He's only just 17 years old"

"[Name] honey"

"Satoru"

"Oh wow first name okay. how about we take a break and come back after Shoko examines the body"

"No i'm gonna be here when he wakes up"

"Okay"

Gojo gently pat [Name]'s head, leaving his hand to rest before walking closer to Ijichi who was shocked by the scene between the two.It was obvious to anyone that [Name] and Gojo were close, Gojo being the only one who could give [Name] orders without any pushback and [Name] being the only person since Geto who could truly make Gojo soft. What was more shocking was the state [Name] was in. Since he'd arrived in Tokyo they'd only seen the colder more composed aspect of him. 

"Why are you placating him Gojo?You’re letting him sit there and believe his friend will just rise from the dead?"

"He needs this. He needs to grieve and if I tried to stop him he could simply tell me to go die and then what would I do?" (Probably not die you idiot. fight back)

Ijichi went silent after that remembering exactly how petty [Name] got when he was upset. He could and most certainly would tell someone to go and die. or fall in a ditch. The get lost one was a real nuisance.

Shoko looked at Ijichi’s face and realized it wasn’t worth arguing. It wasn’t her turn to say anything, she’d let the rest of their conversation play out before she makes her dramatic entrance. She could only hope they wouldn’t make too much of a fuss as she was getting anxious to dissect the vessel’s body.

“It was intentional wasn’t it”

“What do you mean?” Ijichi asked, his heart thumping audibly. This piqued [Name]’s interest too, but like Shoko he’d let the scene play out a little before speaking up. He wanted to wait until his two cents would help make a dollar. 

“The enemy was special grade. Five rescue targets who weren’t even confirmed alive. There’s no way I’d send in first-years for that.” Gojo Answered “I had to pull some strings to get a stay of execution for Itadori. Those crusty ass higher ups used a special grade to get rid of him in my absence. If the other two had died that would’ve been icing on the cake right”

“But when the mission was planned… there was no indication of special grade” Ijichi nervously choked out. Gojo’s bloodlust was overwhelming and kind of scary. He’d much prefer if [Name] ordered him to get lost

“What they didn’t count on was [Name] seeing through their plans. He’s a genius, my student. It would be a pain trying to find the culprit so maybe I should just kill them all”

“You’re being emotional for once. You really had a soft spot for him, huh?” Shoko spoke as she made her entrance

“Sure, I’m a nice guy who looks out for his students.”

Nice guy. Shoko almost scoffed “Don’t pick on Ijichi too much He’s caught in the middle between us and the higher ups”

“Besides” [Name] spoke up “It’d really get on their nerves when they learned the plan failed. Especially because of me. They should suffer a little before they die, no?”

Shoko gave [Name] a quick glance before continuing, from the corner of her eye she could see Gojo smiling at the second year. He must have a couple more soft spots than she realized. “So.. this is Sukuna’s vessel. I can dissect him anyway I want”

“You better make it worth it”

“I will who do you think I am”

“Sorry puppy, endure it a little. We can get our revenge when you wake up” [Name] whispered

“What use is he dead?” Nobara asked with her chin on her hand “[Name] might be having some monumental breakdown but at least he’s still strong… and alive” she paused for a second. “Hey is this the first time a friend of yours has died?

“A classmate yeah”

“Really? You seem fine”

“Look who’s talking”

“Of course. I’ve only known him for two weeks. I’m not the kind of girl who cries over a guy like that” 

Fushiguro noticed her lip quivering and chose not to say anything as she pulled herself together.

“Man it’s hot”

“Yeah I wonder when we’ll get our summer uniforms.”

“Sheesh. You’re more moody than usual Megumi. What is this a funeral?”

“Zen’in senpai”

“Don’t you dare call me by my last-”

“Maki! Maki!” Panda called “He really did die. It happened yesterday. A first-year boy”

“Fish flakes”

“You ARE A LITTLE LATE. Now I look like a cold hearted demon”

“Well you pretty much are” 

“Tuna Mayo”

“Who are these people?” Nobara asked Fushiguro. He introduced her to the second years. Panda, Maki and the infamous Toge Inumaki”

“Ahh so this is [Name]’s boyfriend”

“HAH!” Maki laughed “The two of them are close but I think i’d prefer Inumaki with Okkotsu”

Megumi tilted his head at the suggestion “Okkotsu senpai isn’t here but he’s the only one I can sincerely respect. He’s abroad right now”

Nobara paid very little attention to whatever Fushiguro was saying caught up in Panda’s… pandaness.The only thing that truly broke her out of her curiosity was the mentioning of a goodwill event. Considering it was less of a charity event and more like a battle royale it was right up Nobara’s alley. 

“You’re in right?” Maki egged on “Do it for your fallen friend”

“We’re in” Kugisaki and Fushiguro chorused

“But if I think both the training and the goodwill event are pointless. I’m out”

“Same here” Megumi agreed  

“Heh. it should be fun putting you guys in your place”

“Fish flakes” 

“Inumaki senpai.” Megumi looked away, finding the distance much more appealing “He’s not alright. But he will be.”

“Salmon” Inumaki knew [Name] would be alright. This was THE [Name] [L.Name]. He was the main character. When the MC disappears, they just come back stronger.

[kuroo-shitsurou]

Auxilium (College!Xiao x College!Reader)

TW: mentions blood, depression, anxiety

note: it's my first time writing and posting something on tumblr so im sorry if it's bad!! reader is gn hehe.

Late February was never a good time for Xiao.

It was the second month of the year; People were starting to adjust and adapt to the ever-changing and progressing timeline. Although, he never really understood the concept of the "New year, new me!" shtick. Humans make decisions that eventually shape their personalities. What does a new year have anything to do with that? Does a change in the year automatically make you a good person? Does it make you less of an asshole than you might already be? He never really understood.

He found it rather silly, actually. Whenever a new year rolls around, Xiao would mutter silent curses to himself because he'd write the wrong year on his papers. Other than that, there wasn't any significant changes he made in his daily routine. He was still the same Xiao; The same anxious, mildly depressed, and coffee-high art major Xiao.

Now, Xiao was a respected figure in their college (or at least, that's what he was told). He was one of the most talented artists at Tokyo University, and professors have been eyeing him for a scholarship overseas (he, along with his brooding and mysterious senior, Diluc). His keen eye for details always produce great results as most of his portraits are featured in the university's gallery of students' greatest works. Not to mention, one of his larger canvas works were displayed at the Tokyo Museum, making him one of the youngest artists to have their art showcased there.

Admittedly, Xiao was aware of how people admired his talent. Unfortunately, due to a rough childhood where his parents barely showed him any love and affection, he had trouble reflecting his true emotions onto other people. That's why other art majors often labelled him as a self-absorbed, egotistical prick.

Xiao was the last person you'd want to compliment. It's not that he'd be a dick about it or that he'd scowl at you and act as if he was better than you in every way possible. It wasn't like that at all. It's simply because Xiao doesn't know how to handle compliments. He'll still keep his stoic face, lips pressed in a straight line, but deep inside, he'd be flustered to bits. He'd try to internalize his reply, stitching together the right words to express his gratitude, but it would always take him a few minutes. The person who complimented him would've already left after he finally constructed the sentence in his head. Not that he wasn't used to it

This led to Xiao earning his current reputation, as stated earlier. He was already expecting the rest of his college years to be spent alone in his studio, working on his artworks during the wee hours of the night, high on the fumes of his paint palette and his exhausted coffee machine.

Until you came.

Kaoru was... eccentric. You were loud, you were moody. He felt like you'd be the type of person he'd hate dealing with just because you was unpredictable. You were like the rain, and Xiao hated the rain.

He must have an Archon's cursed tongue, because he got paired up with you during the first semester of their second year in college. You were a familiar name to him, as you were in the same course since the first year, but he barely knew anything about you since you were in different classes.

"Hey, Xiao! I'm _____. I hope we can be good friends by the end of the semester!" His memory of your bright smile still remains vivid in his head. He wasn't really a brooding type like Diluc, but Xiao liked to believed that he presented himself as a silent person who had no intentions of interacting with other people. So, how were you so bubbly around him? Because she was forced to do so? You were to be his partner for the whole semester, after all. Maybe it was all formalities. Yeah, that's probably it.

"Hm." Xiao gave a nod in her direction, acknowledging your existence. you heard from your friends that the young artist didn't have a pleasing personality, but you weren't expecting to be shutdown from the get-go.

"Mind if I sit beside you?"

Again, a light nod.

You felt the awkward tension between you and Xiao, and you hated it. You were a person who hated it when people are uncomfortable in your presence. You didn't want to be a bother, and you did your best to make everyone like you. Not that you were a people pleaser, nor an attention hog, but you just wanted to get along with everyone.

The lecture was going to begin in twenty minutes, so the lecture hall was yet to be filled with people. You took the opportunity to strike up a conversation with the amber eyed man beside you, who was typing away on his laptop. Something about color theory and how it affects the perspective of people on different art types? You couldn't really see that well. He was a fast typer.

"So, Xiao, I heard that your painting was displayed in the Tokyo Museum last year. It must have been an honor. I was at the unveiling last year and I saw it up-close." You started off, testing the waters.

"And what did you think of it?" Xiao cringed internally. He meant to genuinely ask for your feedback regarding his art, but it sounded so harsh that he wanted to punch himself when he saw you wince (or maybe you shuddered because it was cold and you were wearing a sleeveless top? His nerves were getting the better of him at this point).

"Well, a lot of my friends told me that it wasn't anything special,"

Ouch.

"It was a large canvas. I can still remember how it looks. But, maybe that's because I'm at the museum every two weeks," You laughed. You noticed how Xiao's breathing noticeably changed after you started your sentence, and you have to admit that it sounded a bit too mean.

"You know, Xiao. My friends told me that your art was simple. Anyone could have done it. But honestly, they couldn't be more wrong. I love how your piece was painted. Auxilium. I'll never forget what you called it. That's... Help, right?"

At first, Xiao didn't want to listen to this person ramble about an art piece he made during one of the lowest points of his life.

His anti-depressants had run out during that one Christmas. It was 2:47 in the morning. He had morning classes the following day. He had a project to submit, but he was unable to continue working because of the unbearable pain in his chest. His head was throbbing. Voices were invading his mind. Flashbacks of his parents' negligence taunted him. He rushed to grab a glass of water, chugging it down in almost three chugs. He slammed the glass back onto the counter, smashing it into tiny little splinters and cutting himself in the process. His hand was bleeding, there were bits of glass on his counter and on his floor, but he couldn't care less. He was heaving, his breathing was unsteady, he wanted to die right then and there. His vision became blurry, but he rushed back to his studio.

With a bleeding hand, he picked up his brush and began to tear into his canvas. Not literally, but he started to create strokes onto the blank canvas. Different colors, different textures (he swore some of his blood got blended in with the area where he painted the sunrise, but it's fine. No one was going to notice, right?). He screamed and cried, wanting to throw the entire easel out his window.

It was Christmas. He was alone in his apartment. His anti-depressants ran out. He was having a panic attack.

That night led him to having one of the worst breakdowns he could remember, but he also ended up with a gorgeous painting that nabbed him a place in the Tokyo Museum.

"Help," Your voice echoed in his ears, snapping him out of his trance.

"People can tell me that it's nothing more than a simple painting, but the way that the sunrise was only showing in a segmented part of the canvas? The way that there were hints of red? It kind of reminded me how a new day can resemble hope but still contain hurt. Like, the promise of a fresh start isn't guaranteed a good one, right?"

Your words rang in his ears like a gong being hit continuously. He wanted to cry. People always complimented him and congratulated him about being recognized by art critics and national museums, but none of them ever really stopped to talk to him about his art. They were there for his recognition- not his work.

"I mean, you could begin with a fresh start, but wouldn't the remnants of yesterday still take a toll on your tomorrow?"

"Hm. Interesting take. To be honest, those specks could have been my blood." Xiao spoke up, to your surprise. A small smile formed on your face. Maybe this guy wasn't so bad after all.

"My hand was cut up when I was painting that," He added quietly, not mentioning why his hand was in that state. "I think I accidentally added too much concentrated red. I couldn't blend it out the way I originally planned."

"Oh? But that makes it all the more great, though!" You beamed, "Maybe it was an Archon guiding you? I don't really believe in that stuff, but acknowledging some divine intervention once in a while can't be all bad, no?" You laughed.

"I guess you're right." For the first time in a while, Xiao actually gave someone else a small smile. It wasn't really a smile per se, but his lips curved even the slightest bit upward, and you decided that it was a win for you.

-

Fast forward to the second semester of their third year.

Late February was never a good time for Xiao.

It was the second month of the year; People were starting to adjust and adapt to the ever-changing and progressing timeline. Although, he never really understood the concept of the "New year, new me!" shtick.

It had been years since he was clinically-diagnosed with mild depression. So, why was he still that way? Shouldn't new years help him be a better person? Or something like that. Why was he still like this?

Late February meant the end of one semester, and the start of another.

What else did that mean?

His semestral feedback report (he refused to call it a report card. What was he, high school?).

"Xiao? Are you here? I bought almond tofu from Xiangling's place. Sorry for barging in, you weren't answering my calls." He heard your voice from the kitchen and he glanced at the clock on his studio's wall.

1:37 AM.

You were at Xiangling's place because you were working on a report about the history of acrylic paints or whatever it was. You were supposed to go home, but you still dropped by his apartment. He checked his phone.

[ 14 missed calls. ]

Yikes.

"I'm here." He answered meekly, but loud enough for you to hear. He felt tired. Defeated, maybe. He was blankly staring at the canvas in front of him. He has sketched the base of your face and upper body. He was planning on painting a portrait of his beloved to decorate his room with, but he couldn't find the energy to continue.

He could hear the soft "thud"s of your feet walking from the kitchen towards the studio, but he tuned it out with an annoying static he could only hear in his head.

Fuck. Where are they?

He rushed to the drawer next to his easels and rummaged around in a panic.

Where the fuck are they?

He kept a few anti-depressants in his studio because he spends most of his time here and he didn't have time to rush to the kitchen to get them if he ever got a panic attack.

"Fuck!" He cursed loudly, throwing the contents of his desk onto the floor. Some of his paintbrushes scattered on the wooden floor of his studio, marking the wood various colors. Maybe they're going to stain, but he didn't really care.

Xiao heard the footsteps retreating until he couldn't hear anything else except the constant ringing in his ears. It was annoying. It was loud. It started to make him want to split his head open.

"_____," He whispered, feeling his chest hurt and his throat tighten. The passageways helping him breathe seemed to close themselves, giving him a hard time and mocking him. It was coming back again.

Tears started to flood his vision, and they rolled down his red cheeks. He took the ponytail out of his hair and used two hands to tug at his locks starting from the roots. His breathing patterns became more erratic, but he tried his best to stay calm.

His knees and legs felt like jelly. He had to lean against the desk to avoid from toppling over.

Why? Why again? Why now? Why when you were here?

He screamed. It was loud enough for the neighbors to hear, but his care for any external entities was out the window the moment his eyes became blurry with tears.

Even though he was leaning against the desk, his legs still couldn't hold the weight of his entire body. His knees dropped to the floor, and he swore he must've dented the wood below, but he paid no mind to it. His knees were also aching, but he could deal with that later. He bent down and pressed his forehead to the floor.

"_____," He whispered again, longing for his partner. "Auxilium."

"Xiao?" The voice was muffled. His eyes were glued to the floor in front of him, but he knew it was you.

"Xiao, stay with me, honey." There was a hint of panic evident in your voice, but he was glad that you didn't let that get the best of you. You was still somewhat calm.

You kneeled down beside him, helping him back to an upright position.

"Honey, you left these on the counter outside." You handed him two tablets of his anti-depressants, and he gladly placed them in his mouth. You also gave him a glass of water, and he downed it in two swift gulps. Afraid that he might underestimate his strength, he returned the glass back to you instead of setting it down himself, nodding at you in the process.

You got into a more comfortable position where you rested your back against the wall, and you guided Xiao to follow you. It was a difficult task; He was very sensitive during his panic attacks.

His semestral feedback reports always made him anxious. He didn't have to please his parents anymore since he moved out years ago, but Xiao had this nagging feeling inside of him to do better with his academics. Nobody was really pressuring him to be a straight-A student, but did he feel like he needed to be? Who was he trying to prove himself to anyway? You knew about his sever panic attacks and how they were more active if he had a big event coming up. The first time you had to deal with it, you were still stiff and trying to learn how you could help. Now, you takes pride in yourself for being able to handle him in the ways you know would help him the most.

"Here you go, I've got you." You cooed, assisting him with moving. You laid his head flat on her lap and she began stroking his beautiful, tousled forest green locks. The highlights he had under the first layer of his hair started to fade, and you made a mental note to take him to a salon so they could get their highlights redone.

"You know, I've been listening to a lot of Coldplay lately," You started speaking, as if Xiao wasn't about to have a full-on panic attack. "Yellow would have to be one of my favorite songs. I guess it's kinda cheesy, but can you blame me?"

You used your free hand to wipe the tears from his cheeks.

"Look at the stars, look how they shine for you." You began singing, voice just above a whisper.

"And everything you do. Yeah, they were all yellow."

Xiao was a reserved person who had a hard time dealing with other people because of his inferiority complex that sprouted when he was young.

"I came along, I wrote a song for you."

He didn't have love and affection growing up. He didn't know how to be the best person to talk to. He had poor communication skills. He was a mess, to be honest.

"And all the things you do. And it was called yellow."

You were the first person who looked past his rough and tough exterior. You were the person who showed interest not just in his name- but in him as a whole.

"So when I took my turn, what a thing to've done."

"Thank you," He murmured silently, noticing that the ringing in his ears vanished. His throat was beginning to open again, and he could finally feel the steady heartbeat he had in his chest.

"And it was all yellow."

Xiao curled himself into a ball, burying his face in your clothed stomach. You smelled a bit like smoke (maybe you ate yakiniku at Xiangling's?) and your faded cologne. It smelled like home. It washed a sense of relief over his entire being. He felt safe. He felt secure. He was being held like a child, but he didn't really mind. Maybe he needed this.

"Your skin. Oh yeah, your skin and bones,"

You craned your neck downwards to look at Xiao's figure. He finally looked peaceful. You knew about his rough past. You knew about the trauma he had to go through, but you chose to look past it because you knew that he was just afraid and... alone. He needed someone to be there for him, and you would rather the world die than leave him alone ever again.

"Turn into something beautiful."

You noticed how his chest started a rhythmic pattern of ups and downs. His breathing was finally steady. He looked at peace. He looked like he was right at home.

"Do you know? You know I love you so."

You couldn't help but chuckle as you watched him sleep in your lap. How could anyone think that this softie was an asshole?

"You know I love you so."

You barely whispered the last part of the song, but it was loud enough for his heart to hear it. Xiao hated when things were unpredictable; that's why he hated the rain. But now, maybe the idea of rain wasn't so bad. Especially since you were his rain.

"I love you, Xiao."

At that moment, you knew that the involuntary smile on Xiao's face was a response that contained more emotions than his words could ever bear.

"I love you too."

[tellthemeerkatsitsfine]

Well I listened to an episode of the Peacock & Gamble radio show today that follows interestingly from the post I made yesterday about how the dynamic’s changed a bit, Ed and Ray have a somewhat more adversarial relationship, Ed in a more clearly “straight man” role, it’s still very funny but some things work less well. There was other stuff going on too, but it seemed to turn around a little bit in episode five (March 24, 2014 – the first episode in which they actually said the date at some point during the episode, and I’ve been able to work out the previous episodes’ air dates from that, so I finally have those). When they’re three hours each, a lot can change in just one episode.

Adding a cut because this got long. Some discussion of misogyny ahead. Not from the comedians.

Episode 5 immediately felt a bit different because Ed was doing a fair bit more talking than usual. And not just talking more but talking first, cutting Ray off a little quicker than usual, being the person to drive the direction of conversation slightly more. I’d noticed in previous episodes that he sometimes faded a bit into the background in these, as he’d occasionally done in their interviews from Edinburgh, but in this episode he was getting right in there.

I have a guess as to why this was, and it’s related to the fact that he’d developed a new running joke throughout the episode, which was cutting Ray off to say “Don’t start talking about your depression.” Which probably looks terrible out of context so it’s only fair that I clarify, at no point did it sound like Ed Gamble thought anyone, including Ian Boldsworth, should not talk about their depression in real life. He said it in a jokey way, had picked this as an episode catchphrase it’s of a funny thing to say (because you’re not supposed to say that and saying things you’re not supposed to say is funny, Peacock and Gamble based a whole double act on that principle) – but also doubled as a way to genuinely cut Ray off any time he started on something that could go off the rails. Like when he brought up his dead fish again, or his Muppet collection that was in the bath because he hadn’t unpacked his new place. Ed would shut that down with “Don’t start talking about your depression” and change the subject.

They also referenced the fact that Ed had been to his place the other night and found him in a bad way, and I’m going to guess that the balance of Ray Peacock’s mental health breakdown had recently been tipped to Ray being genuinely worrying to the people around him, and Ed didn’t want him driving the direction of the radio show in that state. Ed sounded slightly nervous about this, I think, and the dynamic was different again.

Then their fucking guest arrived. He arrived during this song, which I got fully caught up in. I’d never heard that song before, but since I first heard it on their radio show about six hours ago, I’ve downloaded it to my phone and I’m obsessed with it. I sat on the train to work today and was amazed at how good it was. I may have been especially drawn into it because it happens to be very thematically relevant to the Ray Peacock stand-up shows I listened to yesterday and hugely enjoyed (I say “happened to” as though it’s a coincidence, I assume Ray Peacock was into this song then because he was writing that show). Not just the general theme of mental health, but this song covers the specific topic that show explored, about nature vs. nurture and origins stories of issues, those topics had stayed in my mind because that’s what a very very good stand-up show will do to you, then then this song came on the next day, it was so good, I was enjoying it so much.

Then, this voice I haven’t heard before interrupts the song, and asks what the fuck is this rubbish. Ray and Ed interrupt their own songs all the time, it was a remark of respect for this song that they hadn’t interrupted it yet, but it was jarring to hear someone else get in there and be so rude about it right off the bat. They told him it was Amanda Palmer (helpful, that saved me a Google since I didn’t know the song but immediately knew I wanted it), he said it was fucking awful and they should turn it off. Their guest had arrived, and had immediately created a sour atmosphere both in the radio show in general, and in my specific experience of it, cutting that off so abruptly.

They said their guest was a porn star, and I immediately assumed it was a comedian who does a terrible character (the guests in the first four episodes were all comedians – Al Murray, Thom Tuck, Johnny Vegas, Angela Barnes), but I Googled him and he’s an actual porn star. He’s also a terrible person. Those things are not related, not all porn stars are terrible people. But fucking hell, he was.

It was all right for a while. They asked him a bunch of questions about what it’s like to do this job that most people know little about (little about how it works, anyway), a couple of the answers were sort of interesting, it was a bit awkward and the guy was being a bit of a dick but not that bad. Ray, who’d been fading slightly into the background (for the first time, as far as I can tell, ever) earlier in the episode, really came alive when he had the chance to ask a professional all his questions about dick size and gay experimentation and other topics on which he frequently fixates. They seemed to have more correspondence than they’d ever had before from listeners as well, constantly reading out questions they got over Twitter and texts from people who wanted to know things about the famous porn star (including one message from someone named Danielle Ward, and – I assume it’s not that one, surely she has better things to do than listen to this, but if she was listening to that horrible interview, makes it more understandable why she quit working public performance, you’d want to get away from that shit).

So it was all right for a bit, they were bantering with him and reveling in saying rude and inappropriate things because he works in sex and that’s inherently rude and inappropriate and that fits right into P&G comedy, and they’re so into it that it takes a little while for the atmosphere to catch up when it turns from funny-inappropriate to bad-inappropriate. The guy tells a couple of stories that have the tone and cadence of the funny-inappropriate stories, but if you think about them for half a second they’re actually about genuinely exploiting vulnerable people (specifically vulnerable women) in real life and they’re horribly fucked up.

Ray and Ed dealt with it relatively well, I’m not sure there is a really good thing to do in that situation unless you’re willing (and able) to just kick the guy out of the studio. Ray got back in charge a bit, started occasionally pointing out that these stories aren’t really okay, but the guy didn’t really seem bothered by that.

I found it interesting as a look at the old issue of irony in inappropriate comedy. You know, the thing that makes anything Peacock & Gamble have ever done acceptable. Saying awful things ironically these days is considered less okay than it used to be, and I think that’s a sign of the actual comedy changing, as well as audience attitudes about it changing.

Twenty, fifteen, even maybe ten years ago, if people said something awful ironically, it was reasonable for other people to assume they didn’t “secretly mean it”, the joke was that they understand it’s a bad thing to say and are making fun of people who’d say those things for real. At some point in the last decade, we’ve all figured out that the genuinely terrible people use irony as a shield when they say awful things, and if someone is saying that stuff “ironically”, there’s a decent chance that they do secretly mean it and are justifying it that way. Or that they might not personally mean it, but they’re happy to intentionally appeal to audience members who do, who will laugh because “You can’t say anything anymore, isn’t it great that that person’s standing up for my right to be racist!” Or that the joke “It’s funny because it’s true”, rather than “It’s funny because some horrible people believe this for real.”

Of course, sometimes, even ten or fifteen or twenty or thirty years ago, people would say horrible things as a joke, and the joke would be “It’s funny because it’s true.” But they didn’t usually wrap it up in irony, at least back then. You could tell the difference more easily. The difference between comedians saying awful things because they think awful things are funny, and comedians saying awful things ironically because they want to make fun of the people who actually think that way. I think there did used to be a much clearer difference than there is now.

And that is why I will accept a lot more ironic awful things in comedy from the 00s than in comedy that’s made today. Why I will laugh a lot at Peacock & Gamble saying something terrible in 2011, when if someone said the same thing in 2024, and tried to claim the same amount of irony, I’d say irony’s not a good defence for that. I guess in that one specific way, it’s true, you maybe can’t say anything anymore. But that's not my fault. It's not the Wokerati's fault (I am, to be clear, among the Wokerati). It's the fault of the terrible people who broke the pact where we all promised that irony means we don't really mean it.

Though to be fair, I have never heard any comedian from the last few years, who does material where they “ironically” say horrible things, and is anywhere near as funny as Peacock & Gamble. So there’s another extremely significant difference, I’ll laugh at Peacock & Gamble in 2011 and not at people who say horrible things in 2024 because the former was much much funnier than the latter. But there’s a political difference too.

This is something I think about at times, because to be honest, I’m surprised Ed Gamble hasn’t been canceled. Cancel culture’s not a real thing, most cancelations are just someone getting in trouble for a few weeks and then everyone forgets about it, that’s all that I’d expect to happen here. But with all the “re-surfaced clips of wholesome entertainer saying something terrible back in the day, people will get mad for a few weeks and everyone will shout ‘cancel culture!’ and then everyone will forget and it’ll be fine” – with all the times that’s happened, I’m surprised no one’s done it to Ed Gamble. I’ve tried to be a bit careful, while listening to the old P&G stuff, I’ve posted audio clips from it less often than I do with other stuff I listen to, and when I have posted clips, I’ve done some pretty surgical cutting to make sure I don’t get the worst stuff in there. Because it doesn’t seem fair to take some shit he said that long ago and post it on social media with no context in 2024, and I don’t have time to explain the massive amounts of context involved (including the stuff in this post, it would need to come with an explanation of “this was back when irony was used to demonize rather than normalize terrible things, or at least, that’s how most people thought it worked”, as well as “Okay they did plan all that out, the other guy was in on it, it’s all right”), and even with the full context there’s plenty of it that’s still not justifiable.

I’m careful in what I post on Tumblr because of theoretical principle, but to be honest, I could post whatever the hell I wanted on here and it would have no effect on Ed Gamble’s career because no one’s look at Tumblr. But I have definitely heard some things in those old episodes that have made me think “If I really wanted to ruin a few weeks of Ed Gamble’s life, and I wanted to clip the worst of this out of context and post it on some social media sites the people actually read and do that thing where you tag people so it gets picked up, I bet I could cause a problem.” I wouldn’t do that, to be clear. I’m just saying I find it a bit weird that I think I could. Because if I could, then that means anyone who’s heard those podcasts could, and I find it surprising that no one has. Surely someone will at some point.

Anyway. The point, to get back to that, is that this fucking guest really drew a line that illustrates how much irony does mean something. Maybe it doesn’t these days, maybe these days if you say something awful then that probably means you’re just awful no matter how much irony there is. But in that radio show from 2014 (not all that long ago, by some measures), there was an extremely clear difference between the guys who say terrible things because it’s funny to have a giggle about breaking the rules, and the guy who started saying terrible things because he was clearly a genuinely terrible person. That difference was so clear, and it became clear so very fast, and you could listen in real time as Ray and Ed realized it was there and didn’t know how to confront it, and it made for incredibly uncomfortable listening. Not funny-uncomfortable, the way I find a lot of things, I will frequently laugh at an uncomfortable comedy situation just because it’s uncomfortable. But this was a different thing, nothing about it was funny.

It escalated bit by bit, and by the time Ray said they only had a couple of minutes left and would wrap this up, I thought, that was rough but could have been worse. I thought it might end without too bad an incident. But then, in the “wrapping it up”, they brought up a show this guy did years ago on which Lucy Porter also appeared. The guest started talking shit about Lucy Porter, and even if I hadn’t heard him say a word so far that episode, I would immediately know he was a dick, because who talks shit about Lucy Porter? Lucy Porter is wonderful. No decent person hates Lucy Porter.

This guy starts saying “She was horrible to me on that show,” and I’m thinking, “Good for her, I’m sure you fucking deserved it.” Then he said “She thought I was some sort of misogynist,” and I’m thinking, “Good for her for working that out so fast.” Ed and Ray are hanging back a bit, obviously not willing to join in and talk shit about a comedy colleague live on air (actually, they have talked shit about comedy colleagues in the past, but ones who’ve deserved it, which obviously Lucy Porter doesn’t), but not able to just tell the guy to fuck off. Until Ray announced that a producer in his ear has just told him Lucy Porter is, by total coincidence, in the next studio.

I can’t imagine why anyone thought it would be a good idea to tell him that. That’s the only part of this that makes me slightly wonder if it could have been a setup – why the fuck would they tell compulsively impulsive Ian Boldsworth, who was known to be in the middle of a breakdown and even more impulsive than usual – that Lucy Porter was next door while this was happening? But apparently they just told him that because they thought it would be interesting information. Ray, of course, immediately announced that he didn’t feel comfortable listening to someone say those things about her when she had no right of reply, and he was going to go get her so they could settle this.

You can then hear him get up and run out of the room. Just as you hear the studio door close, the porn star guest makes his most overtly misogynistic comment yet, saying she’s not even funny and she only gets work because she’s a woman. There were misogynist undertones in nearly everything he’d said so far during that interview, there were misogynistic overtones in the way he’d talked about Lucy Porter, but that one comment crossed a new line, and he said it when only Ed was in the studio.

At this point, I hadn’t laughed in a while. I’d laughed a little bit early on in the interview, but my laughs had stopped once he started telling legitimately terrible stories that were just about exploiting women, it was bad-uncomfortable rather than funny-uncomfortable, the irony was long gone, it wasn’t okay. But I have to admit, when that happened, I did find myself having to cover my mouth and work really hard to stifle hysterical laughter on a crowded bus. But I took one moment to think about the situation Ed Gamble was in, and that suddenly seemed incredibly, amazingly funny. I still think that’s amazingly funny, I stand by my laughter there.

Fucking hell. He started that episode clearly a bit nervous about the way he needed to step up a bit and keep this show on track while Ray was having a breakdown, maybe handle a little more than he was used to (I mean, obviously he was very used to things like this as he’d been performing comedy for years, but he wasn’t used to being the main person driving the chat in this specific radio show), make sure it doesn’t go entirely off the rails. And then he had to deal with an incredibly uncomfortable interview where he and Ray were faced with the choice, live on air, of how hard to push back on this guy saying awful things, always a tricky balance to strike in the moment. And then this guy had suddenly escalated his terrible-ness, including attacking a comedy colleague, putting Ed in an even more difficult position. And then, just as it reached its peak, Ray ran out, doing two things to make it worse for Ed: 1) he had to worry about what will happen if Ray manages to actually get Lucy Porter in there because bringing her in might be the sort of “going off the rails for real” that he’d been trying to prevent, and 2) he was left alone with the horrible porn star, still live on air, excepted to talk to him, and just as he was left alone, the overtly misogynistic comment got said and he had to answer it himself.

That was the funniest fucking thing that could have happened. I laughed so hard. What a terrible thing to be dropped into. It was like it had crossed the line twice, reached farcical levels of awful that can only be funny. Not to mention, that’s just straight-up relatable comedy. We’ve all been left in situations, like that, right? Difficult situations where luckily you have a more experience partner whom we’re relying on to competently get us through this, and then they suddenly leave the room and you’re left to try to sort it out? I’ve certainly been there. And I found it very funny to imagine Ed Gamble there multiplied several times over.

Ed awkwardly asked the guy about his TV show, managed to turn it into a borderline normal interview for about 90 seconds. Then Ray bursts back into the room, and at that point I was so sure that either this had been some sort of setup and Lucy Porter was never there and no one told Ray anything in his ear and he’d say he couldn’t find her, or maybe she somehow was there but obviously she was busy and he’d have to say he’d failed to find her and this guy can get out of the studio now. But nope. I hear a voice that’s very familiar to me off Radio 4, he’d actually fucking brought Lucy Porter in.

I’m as sure as I possibly can be that this wasn’t a setup. If it had happened on a radio show I didn’t know, I’d automatically assume it was a setup. But I really don’t think this was. No one sounded prepared for it. They threw Lucy at him, explained live on air what had happened. She said she remembered that show from 15 years ago, she had disliked him. And then she apologized for that, which I didn’t think she should do because I’m sure she was the one in the right, but also I didn’t blame her for a moment, because what the fuck was she supposed to say? This went on for a horribly awkward minute or so, then they said Lucy Porter really does have to leave, and it turned out Ray had burst into Sean Hughes’ show that was actively recording in order to get her, and they needed her back in the other show, like really actually needed her back and you’re not allowed to just go into other studios and steal their guests, Ray shouted something about how theirs was pre-recorded and this was live so more important, but Lucy went back to the other show, and like I said, knowing everything I know about Ray Peacock, I fully believe that none of that was a lie for the microphones.

Anyway, they got both guests out of the studio, and then they had another hour of their show, just Ray and Ed, and that was different. They said they usually go for extra filth in the last hour, but they don’t really want that after listening to that horrible guest and all his filth (meaning “filth” as in sex talk and “filth” as in unironic misogyny, conflating them in a very uncomfortable way that highlights how careful they normally are to keep them apart, it also highlights how well they keep ironic misogyny apart from unironic misogyny, as soon as they had to interact with a guy who doesn’t), the mentioned thinking they need a shower.

Shortly after that, Ray put on the Ben Folds cover of Bitches Ain’t Shit (a song that Kitson was obsessed with in the 00s and used to play on his radio shows all the time, on the subject of comedians who used to do ironic bigotry but pulled back on that once the world moved to a point where it’s not so simple or okay). Ray introduced it by saying they’re going to play this now because bitches aren’t shit, and then he added “That’s not my real opinion I’m just introducing the song”. I had never heard Ray Peacock do that before. I’ve sometimes heard him say it in interviews, or when talking about something he’s done before – he’ll describe his own words and actions as ironic. But I’ve never heard him making a joke, and immediately before or after the joke, clarify that he doesn’t really mean it. He just lets the irony be obvious, which is always is.

Partway through the song, Ray and Ed started talking over it, explaining the obvious, that the misogyny in this song is ironic, it’s Ben Folds ironically covering a Snoop Dogg song, the original song may actually not have been ironic but the cover is. They were sort of semi-ironically explaining that (the irony being that of course they knew we don’t really need that explained, but they felt the need to say it anyway), but even then, they ran into more stuff on this theme, trying to explain that maybe Snoop Dogg was being unironically misogynistic but Ben Folds was only being ironically misogynistic so it’s all okay, but when you put it like that it sounds like a weak defence. Then Ray just turned the song off before it was over, Ed asked him why, he said putting on so much overt misogyny, even ironically, feels genuinely uncomfortable after the interview they’ve just had. And he was right, it did feel uncomfortable. I like that song (the Ben Folds cover, I mean), but I felt uncomfortable hearing it in that context. And that seemed like a microcosm of what was happening with ironic misogyny in general in around 2014. A perfect metaphor for it, really. Some guys are having fun and messing around with ironic jokes, then a horrible person comes in and says a bunch of misogynistic stuff and tells stories about exploiting women for real, he leaves, they try to put on a playfully ironically misogynistic song, suddenly it seems less funny. That’s basically what happened to all of culture in the last ten years.

So that was interesting. The last hour of the show was also interesting, because I think it’s the most comfortable with each other Ray and Ed have sounded since the FUBAR Radio run started. That was where this post started – saying I want to follow on from the post I made yesterday that said their dynamic has been slightly less cooperative, they’re a bit more stuck in adversarial roles. Well for the last hour of this show, I think that got a bit better. It’s like they were so relieved to have their guest gone that they just had a great time with each other. They did Ed’s Amazing Births and it actually worked, Ed relaxed into the silliness easily. It ended with Ray doing more Meatloaf karaoke and Ed talking over it about how bad this is (I’ve realized this will be a running feature, which I still don’t think is as good as Ray and Ed singing Meatloaf together, but I am finding it funnier as it goes along), but it felt vaguely cathartic and they sounded like they were having a good time.

What a fucking roller coaster for one three-hour episode. Maybe all they needed was a common enemy. Maybe they got along so well in the early days because they were united against Raji James, and they united so hard against Raji that they were able to ride that wave of being in synch with each other for years, and it didn’t start to fade until 2014, when a misogynistic porn actor brought them back together (not really, obviously I know what actually happened is they stopped spending all their time together and Ed started outgrowing Ray in a variety of ways, but I like my theory better).

[protection-of-the-peaky-blinders]

A Peaky Christmas Day (Tommy x Reader)

Title: A Peaky Christmas Day Summary: Tommy asks you to spend Christmas Day with him. Tommy finds you wandering the snowy streets on Christmas Morning. Asks you to spend Christmas Day with him. Words: 3,372 | Part 1 of 2 Warnings: Trigger Warnings for mentions of Domestic Abuse, Alcohol abuse, Rape, Swearing, She/Her Pronouns Author’s Note: To the Anon that suggested this, I was already writing something similar so I hope you don’t mind me adding in some tragic backstory. Part 1 of 2. Part 2 more focused on Christmas Day Fluff. It’s my first Tommy Shelby Fanfic so if he’s out of character, I profusely apologise. 

 ~

Christmas Day. Merry Christmas. 𝑀𝑒𝑟𝑟𝑦.

You couldn’t recall a time where Christmas was ever ‘merry’ for you. Your father was always drunk, using the excuse that he was drinking ‘Santa’s whisky since it’s Christmas after all’, and his drunkenness was often taken out on you. The more he drank, the worse it became for you. Which is why you prefer to stay home and ensure he has meals throughout the day, try and soak up some of the alcohol, and try and distract him from consuming too much, lest it become far worse than things thrown at you.

Christmas Eve had been the start of your problems. You weren’t aware your Dad had gone out drinking at the pub until he came home and gotten handsy with you. Luckily you were able to shoo him off with the excuse of you cooking dinner and he needed to take a shower. But this didn’t last as long as you hoped. You managed to get him to eat something but your night went downhill from there.

 Had you given Tommy Shelby permission from another time prior, your Father wouldn’t have lived to have seen Christmas Day. At the moment, you regretted protecting your Dad against the Peaky Blinder. For some reason, Tommy stepped down and respected your wishes. You were grateful. But you knew that Tommy knew your Dad can be extremely abusive when under the influence.

Christmas morning finally arrived and you were already exhausted. You hadn’t slept. Your Dad keeping you awake between his bouts of drunkenness. You had no safe spot in the house. Your bedroom, which should have been anyone’s general ‘safe spot’ was never respected by him as he quite often came barging in.

He finally passed out in the early morning and that’s when it became too much for you. Still in yesterday’s clothes, though severely crumpled and torn, you left the house in such a state that you blindly walked in the snow for hours. It was still dark, but the sun that was slowly rising had allowed enough light to dimly light the area in a dark blue hue.

 You walked and walked. You knew if you stopped and caught your breath, you’d break down like a mad person and you couldn’t do that. You’re not weak. You’re not. Your situation was complicated. You couldn’t leave. You couldn’t disrespect your Mother’s memory by leaving your Dad all on his own. He was still grieving the love of his life. Your Mother had only died a year prior. A few days before Christmas, actually. This year had marked the one-year anniversary. The wounds were still fresh. The first time Tommy found out your Father was abusing you, he wanted to pay your Father a visit. But you stepped in and explained the situation. At first Tommy wasn’t having it, but you begged him to respect the memory of your Mom; a good, kind-hearted, nurturing woman. When he saw you almost breakdown in tears, he stepped down; on the condition that if it gets out of hand, he will do something about it. “You’re protected by the Peaky Blinders now, love.” He had said as he took his cap off and placed it on your head. Far too large for you, but it had you smiling again. And in turn, made him smile softly.

 By 7:30 in the morning, the sun had peaked above the rooftop, though hidden behind clouds, it still left enough light to let you know that it’s now daylight. Snow was starting to fall ever so slightly and your h/c hair had lightly begun sprinkled with snow. You would have looked cute with your red nose and cheeks – had the circumstances been different. Your fingers were cold as ice, too, but it didn’t seem to bother you.

 -- As always, for Tommy, Business never stopped. Even on Christmas Day. Rising up early with the sun, and before anyone else awoke, Tommy got himself dressed and headed into town where he had a couple of matters to take care of at his office. His family might get annoyed at him but at least it won’t be bugging him throughout the day, playing at the back of his mind and making him irritable company. He almost lost track of time when he dropped his pen and sat back. Taking his pocket watch out from his vest pocket, he flicked it open anad read that it was nearing 8am. Better get a move on. By the time he gets home, the fire should be lit, half his guests should be waking up or arriving. (Some of his family chose to stay the night, others were going to arrive in the morning).

 Lighting a cigarette, he made his way out of his office and out of the building, immediately being greeted by snow. Snowing at Christmas was always magical. Or so many believed. It didn’t bother Tommy in the slightest. He wasn’t overly sentimental about Christmas, except for how it brought his family together as normal as they can be; no talk of business, no arguments. Just lots of laughter, chatter and loud teasing. The only person who’s ever cross as Christmas is Aunt Pol when she tells the brothers to settle down; John and Arthur being the rowdiest ones.

 Christmas Day was one of very few days where Tommy’s demons don’t weigh heavily on his shoulders, nor hauntingly appear in his eyes. Yes, he’s still quite reserved and prefers to quietly observe his family, but he smiles more and joins in the laughter.

 It wasn’t long before Tommy was in his car and driving away, wanting to get home before the snow got heavy. His drive home only last a few minutes as he drove out to the edge of town, only to slow down when he saw a woman stumbling on the side. Had it not been for the familiar hair, he would’ve thought it was just some whore who had a bit too much too drink. Clothes were crumpled and torn, hair falling out from the updo it must have been kept in; indicating a wild night no doubt. Such was not the case. Foot placed pressure on the brakes of the car as he carefully slowed it down to avoid skidding on the snow-covered road, ocean blue eyes squinted in concern before murmuring a soft “Fuck.” Under his breath when he realised who it was. The car creaked to a halt as he hastily placed the brakes on, turned the ignition off and swiftly climbed out. “Y/N?” he called out, as he walked over to you, head ducking a little trying to catch a glimpse of your face to give him full confirmation it was you. You stopped in your tracks when you heard your name being called by a familiar voice. It was comforting. Too comforting. Because the minute you stopped and looked up to see the clearly concerned look of Thomas Shelby walking over to you, you crumbled. Your features crumpled as distraught washed over you, and he made it in time to catch you against his chest as you cried. “Aright…” he murmured as he braced himself to catch your weight, “Alright, love. It’s alright. I’ve got you.”

Arms wrapped tightly around you, holding you firmly against him as your body trembled violently from each sob that tore from your chest. He’s never seen you cry. Never heard you cry. Never knew someone could cry as painfully as you. He didn’t need to ask too many questions about what happened. He knew getting an answer out of you now would be hopeless, so he’d wait until you calmed down a little more. But knowing your situation at home, and your dishevelled appearance, it didn’t take a genius to figure it out. One hand left your back and curled in the locks of your h/c strands, the other hand remaining on your back and holding your protectively against him. Each sob that tore out from you had you struggling to breath, gasping between each cry. Being out in the cold climate probably didn’t help either, with the snow already starting to fall. “Shh…shh, shh… come on, hey, come on...” you heard him hushing you firmly. Probably to most people it might sound as though he was annoyed because of the tone of his voice, but you knew there was concern that filtered through that gravelly voice. “You’re safe now, eh? You’re safe.” Cold, ocean blue eyes glanced around as he held you; snowfall was beginning to cover things like a white blanket and he needed to get you out of the cold. A few people were still walking around in the distance behind them, but apart from that, it seemed like it was just you two being the daft ones still outside in the cold. Your painful cries tugging at his heartstrings, making him want to murder the fucking bastard that did this to you; family or not. The only thing stopping him from spreading more red at Christmas was you. There was no way in hell he could leave you in such a state. Your father can wait. But he WILL pay. Tommy will NOT let this slide. He continued to hold you until you calmed down, his patience with you was commendable, but it’s one thing you needed was patience and understanding. Your situation was … delicate. Fragile. He certainly didn’t want to fuck anything up with you. Except for your Dad. But that was a given. When your cries had quietened, you dared not look at him, knowing your face was a complete mess. You felt him let go of you, and for some reason you thought he was disgusted by you. Something you feared would always happen if a situation like this occurred; where you were painted dirty. A whimper of fear left your throat and you stumbled back in your footing. Letting you go, Tommy had quickly shrugged out of his jacket to place it over your shoulders, give you some warmth because it was hard to miss how frozen you felt against him. He missed the whimper that came from you, thinking it was just a noise of distraught and nothing more. The same with the stumbling of your footing, thinking it was your exhaustion creeping in. Not once did he ever consider your dirty or disgusting, the word ‘whore’, a word you feared you’d be seen as because of your Dad, never once occurred to him when he’s with you. Or thinking of you. Quickly draping the heavy coat around your shoulders, he was quick to wrap his around you again. “Y/N!” he murmured before his other came around you to hold you up in case you buckled completely. “I’ll take you back to mine, eh? Sit you by the fire and get you warmed up. And then we’ll talk.” “But it’s Christmas.” You murmured though your voice croaky from the distraught outburst you had only moments ago. “You’re spending Christmas with me. Alright?” It’s not like you had much of a choice in the matter. When Tommy formulates plans, he sticks to them. The only time he wavers is if you’re legitimately uncomfortable about it but that’s never been an issue with Tommy. “…but my Dad…” you asked, letting the question go only for Tommy to sternly answer back, “Will be dealt with. Let’s get out of the cold before you get sick. Come on.” Arms stayed around you, right arm draped around the middle of your back, left hand cupping your elbow as an added means of security. Tommy guided you back to his car, his own body acting as both a shield and grounding point for you. Your frozen hands clutched at the thick fabric of his coat and wrapped it shut against your chest, shivering beneath it when your body finally discovered the sense of warmth and you only begun to realise how cold you actually were. Opening the passenger door for you, Tommy waited a moment for you to climb in before closing it. Blue eyes surveyed the area once more, either for prying eyes, any signs of her Father, and also simply out of slightly paranoid habit. You let out a shaky sigh as you leaned back against the seat. Your legs flopping to the side as all the strength that kept you going suddenly left you. The exhaustion finally caught up and was threatening to pull you under, but you kept your eyes open. The coat didn’t help with the comfort it provided; warmth and smelling of smoke and cologne; Tommy’s signature scent. You jerked slightly as the driver’s door opened and Tommy sat down, slamming the door shut. He didn’t speak for a moment, eyes gazing straight ahead out the window. “He put his hands on you, didn’t he?” You licked your lips in nervousness, knowing there was no point in lying to him. He already knew the answer, just wanted the truth confirmed before he decided to carry out whatever plan he was currently formulating in his mind. “Tommy…” “Answer the question Y/N. Did he place his hands on you?” His voice was low. Calm. A hint of danger behind his voice but he kept it soft but firm for you. “…Yes…” you breathed quietly, Tommy already able to hear the tears in your voice. “Fuck.” He murmured beneath his breath as straightened himself up to start the car. “He did that too.” Your voice hitching as you admitted to the worst of what your Father did to you, making Tommy pause in his actions and drop his hands. He finally looked over at you to see you curled up, looking small and fragile. Tears already falling from your E/C orbs again, though you weren’t outwardly crying. Just seemed as though you didn’t even realise you were crying at all. His heart broke for the pain you’re in; this soft, beautiful woman, broken by a man she’s meant to trust and be loved by. His heart angered by the fact that he wanted to protect you, made a personal oath to protect you and had failed to do so. He didn’t even want to think what would have happened to you today had he not found you. “He will be dealt with, Y/N.” he repeated himself firmly, with authority. If you were going to argue against him, you would not win. His decision was final this time. Blue eyes bored into yours “I want to make that very clear.” You weren’t afraid of him, but you were afraid of what he’d do. But you knew your Father went too far. You had no fight left in you to protect or defend him. “…By order of the Peaky Blinders?” Grabbing his cap, he yanked it off and flopped it against your head, the way he did it during one of many moments that looked like you both were an official couple but at the same time, nothing had yet officiated it (by means of a kiss or something typical that officially seals a relationship). “By order of the Peaky Blinders.” He murmured back, pulling the cap down slightly to hide your face. Fuck. He’ll never forgive himself for not being there to protect you. But then, he’d have risked you never forgiving him if he broke his promise and acted on it sooner. It doesn’t matter. He can’t change the past. He’s got you now. Safe. By his side. Safest place for you to be. He’ll take you home, get you warmed up and settled in. Reintroduce you to the family since you’ve only met them briefly a few times before; Tommy wanting to keep you away from a lot of the shit that goes on, not wanting you to get caught up in it all. He’d call a family meeting at some point and give the order for tomorrow. It's boxing day after all, what better way to celebrate than by boxing the fucker’s head in eh?

 That was his plan. For the most part of today, he just wanted you to feel safe and comfortable, and to place a smile on your face. At least he’d be able to give you your Christmas present. Perhaps not in the way he imagined to present you with it since you’re in a fragile state and he dare not risk jeopardising anything. But at least he was able to do it on the day that mattered most.

 You didn’t bother adjust the cap that was a bit too big for your head. You hummed softly in response but nothing further was said from either of you. Tommy finally tore his eyes from yours and began to put the car into motion. It wasn’t too long before you were lulled to sleep by the leisurely motion of the car and the hum of the motor acting as white noise. With Tommy being silent and not conversing with you didn’t help, but certainly the lack of sleep you were currently suffering with was the key factor as to why you fell asleep within minutes. Tommy glanced over to you when he noticed you had gone quiet, no sound of sniffling or shaky little intakes of breaths. His concern was quelled when he realised you were asleep, and purposefully took the longer route home, slowing down over some of the bumpier paths to avoid waking you. It was the least he could do for you in your current state. Getting you home and warmed up was a priority, but he couldn’t recall a time he’s ever seen you asleep. You looked peaceful. Angelic. As if you didn’t suffer a horrendous ordeal that last throughout the night until the early hours of the morning. He didn’t want to break the peace you had with sleep, so he let you be as long as he could. You honestly felt like you had barely gotten any sleep when you were being shaken awake only seconds later (Tommy had managed to stretch the drive close to half an hour). In your disorientated state, your eyes snapped open and you immediately fought against the hands that were on you. Your whimpers being the first noise to come from you, only to be hushed by a gravelly voice, “Hey, hey, Y/N! Y/N! Its just me. Just Tommy. Yeah?” Between fighting him off, he managed to catch your wrists and hold them steady from attacking him, but when you came to your senses, eyes wide with fear and your chest rising with each breath, your hands went limp in his hold. “Tommy?” “Yeah.” “Oh god…” “It’s alright. Hey…look at me. It’s alright. Just me. You’re safe now. You’re safe.” Blue eyes never left yours as he waited for you to calm down. Letting go of your wrists, he pulled away just a little bit to give you space in case you needed it. He offered his hand for you to take in case you needed physical reassurance. He wasn’t sure how best to help you right now, so he wouldn’t be offended if you didn’t take his hand. But you did. “God, I’m so sorry.” You apologised once you found your voice and your bearings. Bringing your hand to his lips, he softly kissed the back of your hand, “Don’t be.”

He bit back words of anger hurled at your Father for making you feel this way, knowing it wouldn’t do you any good. You didn’t need to deal with Tommy’s anger.

 “Now come on, eh? Let’s get you inside. Warmed up by the fire. Cup of tea. Spend Christmas Day with me.”

Ocean blue eyes that held so much anger and danger, was staring at you with nothing but softness, adoration and a fierce protectiveness. He lifted the back of your hand to his lips and gave it another tender kiss, making your lips curl up into a smile. “That’s my girl.” It was the first time you smiled since he found you, and fuck how it made his heart flutter. Especially when you ducked your head in shyness but not before he spotted the hint of blush dusting your cheeks, making him chuckle ever so slightly. || Tag list: @captivatedbycillianmurphy

[thisdreamplace]

ashamed to say the 3D reflects our true inner reality, yes? my ENTIRE family has turned against me, after some atrocious conflicts in which they all ganged up on me nd judged me, name-calling, very hurtful things too, provoked me. i been dealing with some serious mental uh 'issues' on my own nd when this happend i was already on the verge of a breakdown nd the good news is while the conflict happened i kept telling myself theyre only reflecting me u can get thru it etc. Later i looked at the hard facts nd realised some of the hurtful things they said were my deep secret feelings abt myself. BUT my question is why the HELL cant they talk to me like normal people? confronting one person vs whole family, why?! i felt so small nd like an object, nd not a single person defended me. am i not a part of the family?

Part 2 is simply its been a week and theyve still been cold towards me as if I yelled AT THEM ABT THEIR PAINFUL 'tRuThS' in front of EVERYONE LMAOOO. At first if i was around we'd have dinner together while they'd all talk to each other like best friends aka sickeningly overly friendly while completely IGNORING me while i sat there. i could tolerate it. I WAS PISSED AT THEM TOO Now its too painful. They're having dinner without telling me, yesterday didnt leave enough food for me knowing i hadnt eaten, serve tea/snacks without my portion. i honestly feel so unspeakably trigered nd sad. worst is these things r reminding me of deep school memories when id feel excluded like this by other kids at parties or class activities nd its like im back there. anyway im glad i controled myself a bit nd didnt counter with horrid things abt them to THEM yet they think they can say the same to me. im so hurt rn i cant even tell u lol i was okay the whole week but now its too much,, ive been crying the whole day

thing is, ik this seems like 'im a victim oh noooo they ganged up on meee'. Nope its more like how do i change myself to change them?! u could say why not talk to them how they made u feel, except whenever ive defended myself in the past regarding hurtful things they/anyone in family did, the siblings/parents would say irritating things like: "oh so YOU'RE the one hurt? Oh thats right, its because YOU'RE right! yes, yes, you're always right. Forgive me for saying anything against the perfect person u are." Or one of them says: "You?! I hurt YOU? What about me? You don't care about me! So you think what ur doing is okay?" or "no, who do YOU think u are to tell ME what to do?" it just goes in circles like this! i dont deserve to hurt myself or do smth to myself even if they dont give a damn, even if years of silent suffering of the 'mEntAL pRoBlEms' (which my lovely parents have already told me is my fault years ago, hence why I NEVER show it to them, unless im crying too much then lol they just mock me, but idc abt THAT bcoz now ik i hav a right to let out my emotions)). i mean this is worse rjan usual. its kinda insane nd when guests come they start talking to me as if nothing's wrong then when they leave, they ignore me!

this whole twisted dynamics, feelijf left out nd helpless is ig some crazy assumptin from childhood of being alone nd unable to defend myself. plus when they argye with anyone, they become overly self-righteous nd over the years its clear they can only scream, blame the scapegoat and never talk abt serious matter like normal ppl. And yes, in the past when i bring this up, they like to reply with stuff like: "no YOU'RE the one who doesnt talk to US bla bla" like, when i do u just shut me down? have belittled my mental 'issues', mocked me when im at my worst, stabbed me with cruel silent treatments nd thinking its alright "bcoz of self-righteousness blegh". Or maybe i think its okay for them to punish me? or whatev? Like law says u get what u r. if these ~~~ keep doing this to me, im doubly ashamed to say this means im the one at fault?! i let this monster assunptin grow nd now idk what to do. the worst thing imo is how i failed to tell them,even if they ignored me in the past, how i feel when anything like this or a conflict happens nd none of them stand up for me, or at least are neutral to me. bcoz now if i do, they say nope, u dont care what we do, YOUR the shameless one :! so yeah they hav the advantage of 'numbwrs' while im too afraid to stand up for myself lol. btw they never apologize nd i suspect they expect ME to apologize to TYEM bcoz everything's already ruined bcoz of 'me'..... i give up on them, i really do, but my heart hurts. Either i harden my heart, nd save up to move out, OR i try to change my self or whatev assumptins i have. But how do i do that? i try afirming: "my familys so nice to me, im respected by them" but it feels so fake tears literally enter my eyes lol

firstly i want to say, thank you for coming here to vent and being open about your feelings. it’s so important sometimes to just let it all out, without holding back. so that way you can move forward more bravely, to create the life you truly want to experience. that being said, i am going to be completely honest with you here in hopes that perhaps it may inspire you and you will be ready to do what is needed for the life you truly want to experience.

“BUT my question is why the HELL cant they talk to me like normal people?” -> “i felt so small nd like an object, nd not a single person defended me. am i not a part of the family?” here is your question, and here is your answer. i think that being completely honest when venting your feelings can actually be so helpful, because if you read back what you have said, you will be able to clearly find the patterns that are creating your personal hell. FEELING IS THE SECRET. ASSUMPTIONS HARDEN INTO FACT. the true way you feel, becomes your experience. Feelings/assumptions/beliefs come first, and the experiences come second to confirm them. That’s all that’s happening here.

i am glad that you were able to keep your reactions to a minimum! that's wonderful and as many of us know, it can sometimes be hard to do in such hurtful circumstances. but you managed to do it, this shows just a small glimpse of the power you truly hold within. although emotionally you may feel out of control, there is still the choice to choose better for yourself which you demonstrated through your reaction to them. good for you!

the truth is, you acknowledge the victim mindset to seem like you’re not engulfed in it, but no, you’re still very clearly engulfed in it. as i have said before, you can’t be a VICTOR and feel bad about it. feeling bad about taking responsibility, about everyone is you pushed out, about any of these types of concepts automatically shows a victim mindset. talking to them won’t do anything, because there are no second causes. you could talk to them nicely, you could be the nicest person in the world. but you can’t pretend your way out of your inner world. your inner world is the one and only cause of your experiences. until you change the story you tell yourself, they will stay the same. this is a hard pill to swallow sometimes. and it can feel heavily, because it’s ultimately only you’re choice. they can’t change until you do. the heaviness of the situation may make it seem impossible to turn around, but that’s just an illusion. your emotional attachment to the situation makes it seem so real and hard to change, but no. that’s just an illusion too. however, it’s ultimately your choice. Do you want to take responsibility for your life, or do you want to keep being tossed around like your lost at sea, victim to the merciless angry waves? Because we always have a choice. No one chooses your inner world, you do. No one can go into your mind and decide things for you, that’s only your job.

you can harden your heart, but who would be the one who suffers more? It won’t be your family, i can assure you. it’ll only be you. by doing that, you keep that old story alive and therefore you keep experiencing it. you keep those stories alive that are desperately showing themselves to you, saying “LET US GO.” but you remain identified with those painful stories, so you grip onto them tight. you keep on thinking of possible reasons for their behavior, but you could just read your entire ask back to yourself and you’ll see every reason. your reactions, your beliefs about them, your emotional pain. its your refusal to let those things go, and focus on what you truly want that keeps you in this state and keeps them in this state. sure it’s painful to face the responsibility at first, but it’s not a blame game. thinking its about blame is just a misunderstanding of the teachings. it’s not about they’re so perfect and you’re so not, so you have to change your ways. it’s about this is how life works here. this is about... you can ONLY ever experience self. whatever is going on within, will be reflected in your outer world. it’s about how they can’t change, UNTIL YOU DO. so instead of feeling sorry for yourself, you have to decide to give yourself the gift of a wonderful life because you have that power too. you stop deciding they can be in control of your experience, and you decide your experience yourself.

to change your assumptions, stop trying to affirm over them and actually face what’s keeping you from believing in your desires. yeah, it’s going to be painful and uncomfortable. but you need to face the pain that you’re running away from, so that it can finally be released. you have to realize, it only stayed true because you believed it to be true. and if you are to live a life free from that story, and experience a more desirable story, then you must let the pain go. give yourself love and grace as you work through it, and know that there is a more beautiful side of life that awaits for you to accept it in.

No One To Change But Self

There is Nothing to Forgive

How to Sit with Your Triggers

give yourself the time you need, it's not race. the love that you wish to experience exists, allow it in. 💖

[dyketubbo]

mkay. ive woken up, it doesnt seem like theres any new developments, so. post explaining what the hells been going on about the ae/emeraldduo qpr discourse ig woo. this is going to be from my perspective, because i am one person. shocker. anyways,

basic summary: i made a post saying that because c!kristin is canon and philza and techno have boundaries against shipping, i believed that maybe there should be a genuine effort to chill out with putting c!philza and c!technoblade in a qpr or platonic marriage, as c!philza being married to c!kristin is based off the irl marriage and c!philza and c!technos friend dynamic is based off the ccs dynamic even outside of the dream smp (such as, of course, the antarctic empire being a smpearth thing). i also said this because i feel like theres a genuine problem in the fandom with how it treats kristin, not only in fanart (making her skinny and white), but also just. in general, overshadowing her with the idea of emeraldduo being married, shit like that, and it irked me esp bc shes a woc while philza and techno are white men.

people get pissed at me, both to my face and behind my back, and i get insulted, called stupid, arophobic, anti-polyam, told i dont understand friendship and that i dont have friends. i joined a server just to wake up and find myself banned and blocked with no explanation, left to assume that i was talked about behind my back while i was unable to defend myself. out of all the people who disagreed with me, one person. one. person. was nice to me and didnt call me arophobic, actually giving me constructive criticism and a chance to elaborate. one. i finally start to feel better two days after the fact, consulting people outside the fandom to get second opinions and getting happy when people agreed with me and even gave insight to things i didnt consider, and what do i get?

someone rbed to tell me "not to go on twitter" because people were talking about me, and informing me that there was a group chat dedicated to "talking about how wrong [i am]". what the rest of the post said, i dont remember, because the person seems to have me blocked and i fucking panicked after being told theres literally an entire group of people talking about me on twitter- of which, yknow. is known for harassing people and even once had a black girl doxxed?? not to mention that the person who mocked me for supposedly not having friends did so when i said to leave me alone, and ive said publicly for people to leave me alone consistently, and. well, insulting and going after someone, or even talking about them behind their back, when they said to leave them alone is in fact harassment, by definition.

im accused of not listening to philza, with the only clip being given to me of him talking about c!emeraldduo being like "the platonic version of achilles and patroclus", as if platonic = queerplatonic. yesterday was the first time i was given a clip of phil talking about qprs specifically, given to me by someone who didnt evem disagree with me anyways, again showing the people disagreeing with me were barely actually willing to cooperate with me. i have. complicated feelings on the clip (mainly with how its worded as just headcanons and only given the definition of "platonic life partners" which.. hm.), but this post isnt about that.

regardless, i vent to my friends, because i was having a delusional breakdown, and one makes a post saying they didnt want to interact with the fandom after people went after me. they inform me that both people who insulted me before and others reblogged from their post to again assert that im arophobic, claim that no one was talking about me outside of people publicly talking about how "arophobic" i am (which.. is people talking about me), claim that i called people racist and sexist (i didnt?? i dont think anyones racist and sexist, not even for what i brought up concerning the fandoms treatment of kristin, it gives me a bad taste in my mouth, but i would never call anyone racist or sexist for it [outside of the whitewashing but thats a different issue from the qpr discussion]), and then they were sent anon hate, one even asserting that they were arophobic and talking over minority groups and therefore deserved to be in their bad home situation. outside of their post being in the dream smp tag, its hard to believe that people just. normally found their post. unless they were going through the recent posts in the dream smp tag (which i dont feel is the case), it is.. concerning that they found my friend trying to defend me so quickly and immediately decided to continue to talk about me behind my back and even insult them as well.

so.. yknow, not great in asserting that there arent people tracking me somehow, which is incredibly triggering and paranoia inducing.

either way, in the end, if people disagree with me about the situation, i dont care, i cant stop them, but i just want people to stop being fucking pricks about it. i want people to stop being pissy at me and about me, i want people to stop insulting me and telling me and telling people i interact with that im arophobic when im not. i want people to stop pretending to care when they tell me to take a break when theyre the fucking reasons i have to take a break. i want people to stop being condescending to me, to stop talking about me, to stop acting like theyre superior while fucking insulting me.

i just wanted to bring up an issue about the lack of respect kristin gets, and people as always turned it into something about philza and technoblades relationship when that was literally the behavior that i was complaining about. i hate that me wanting to talk about how kristin and her marriage to phil is treated turned into me having several breakdowns in one day because i kept getting worse and worse news about how people were treating me. i hate that i did take breaks, that i actively distracted myself, went outside, took care of my pets, took care of myself, talked to my friends, and yet people just acted condescending and went all "if you cant handle criticism then leave :/".

what the fuck is wrong with you people? why is it that this fandom actively defaults to harassment and using ccs against fans when an issue arises? and i fucking hate that this is my first goddamn actual interaction with aeduo fans. im genuinely terrified of aeduo fans now if this is how they react to problems. fuck everyone who talked about me behind my back, fuck everyone who acted condescending towards me, fuck everyone who called me arophobic or anti-polyam or whatever the hell they had up their sleeves, fuck every single grown ass adult who saw a teenager have a fucking breakdown over the shit they did and said and decided to continue. fuck everyone who didnt even bother to have a goddamn level conversation with me before insulting me and attempting to tell others that im arophobic and other shit like that.

this shit happened because of two paragraphs. i said two goddamn paragraphs about a personal issue with the fandom i had and now ive genuinely been pushed almost to the point of relapsing. i dont give a shit if people think i have a victim complex, i just want people to leave. me. alone. its the fucking least you could do. oh, and go fuck yourself. if you genuinely thought id be apologizing after that shit, fuck you. i shouldnt have to be the better person with this shit, i shouldnt be pushed to choking on my own fucking tears because people wont let it fucking be. im not goddamn apologizing after three days of getting insulted and harassed and talked about behind my back for a fucking shipping issue. piss off.

[degeneratekitten]

The reeducation of a King

!!!WARNING!!! Read the tags before continuing. If any of the tags upset you then you probably wont like it when it happens in the story.

This story was one of the first asks I got, I started it, but never finished, so here we go.

The woman in front of you looked incredibly tired. She had bags under her eyes, her skin was pale, and she looked like she was on the verge of a mental breakdown. Truthfully you had yet to even inform her that the King Lamia she had rescued off the street was classified more as a hunting type bitty. She’d been under the assumption, like many people who came to you with rescues, that all bitties could be kept like pets.

“So he’s gotten possessive of you, and he started trying to control your life?” You questioned making sure that you’d gotten her story straight.

“Yes!” She sighed, looking almost on the verge of tears. “I had to slip tranquilizers in his food so I could come here! He goes absolutely berserk if I leave his sight for even a moment, and he refuses to let me decide where we go!” She cried, soundly more and more like an abused spouse than a distraught pet owner. To be fair, this was an abusive relationship, one you would be more than willing to remedy. “He also always tries to tell me what kind of underwear I should wear and gets mad when I don't wear them!”

“That's very troubling.” You nodded, before inquiring about an important question. “How was it that he got so much control over you?”

The woman opened her mouth to answer only to snap her mouth shut again in a frown. She didn't seem to have an answer.

“I… I can't remember…” She mused, before continuing. “I guess I didn't realize it at first, but over time he just got worse and worse, and somehow he convinced me that it would all be ok if I did this, or that. He started getting threatening, baring his teeth whenever I even suggested doing something he didn't want. I was afraid he’d somehow escape his cage at night and kill me, so I just did what he wanted. I figured this was just a part of rescuing bitties. It wasn't until last week when he started to demand I stop seeing my mother that I realized how weird everything was. He’s a pet, not a boyfriend, and I won’t be controlled by a pet!” She stated, seeming to come to a firm resolution in her own mind.

You nodded at her. “I see, so I think I know how this all started. “ You smiled, giving the woman a look that seemed to calm her down.

“What?” She asked, fully invested in what you were going to say.

“You see, bitties are separated into two different types, ones that are pets, and others that are meant for more, violent situations. Lamia’s with venom are generally meant to be either guards, or exterminators. Your King is the former. His breed was designed to protect an owner, staying vigilant for all threats both physical and mental. Where this all went wrong is because your King was born and bred in the wild, where a lot of the original designs and personalities of bitties have changed.” The woman looked incredibly interested in what you were saying. Fully invested and curious, you loved customers like this.

“So his idea of protection involves being controlling?” She asked just waiting for you to elaborate.

“Yes and no. His ideas about protection are skewed more in favor of breeding. If he has a partner he has to hide them away so they can't get taken by another bitty or human. He has to provide everything for them then, food, shelter, warmth, stimulation, everything. The problem with a lot of bitties in recent generations is that their predisposition to be reliant on humans still applies even when they’re experiencing sexual urges. They expect and crave for their human owners to satisfy them sexually alongside everything else.” You watched as the woman's face twisted in disgust.

“Wait, so you’re saying that hes trying to fuck me?” She yelled, grossed out and shivered slightly. 

“In short, yes, he wants to fuck you.” You deadpanned watching as the woman hugged herself.

“That's so messed up!” She exclaimed, which made you chuckle.

“I agree, but magic is weird, and magical constructs with origins like bitties are even weirder. But anyways, there is a way to fix this. A way to uncross his wires so to say, and make him desire other bitties rather than you. Which in turn should ease a lot of the behavior towards you. After I do that he should be more receptive to my traditional training in learning how to act more in line with the original king lamia’s.” You finished, watching as relief seemed to wash over the woman.

“So what needs to be done to uncross those wires?” She asked, to which you chuckled. 

“Get him a mate.” You stated watching as the woman seemed to balk a little at how simple your answer was.

“Wait! It's that simple?! I could have done that myself.” She asked sitting up straight, shocked and a little giddy at the prospect. You laughed with her.

“Well, kind of, unfortunately if you get involved in the process and give him a new mate, he’d take it as a sign that he needs to fight the other bitty to mate with you. It’s better to let a third party do the introduction.”

“Oh… Well, if it gets him to stop wanting to fuck me I’m more than willing.” She smiled, seeming to realize that a huge weight was being lifted from her shoulder.

“So when can we start?” She added, looking at you with hope.

“Well first we have to pick out a new mate.”

-----

You’d gone over potential mates and your rates with the woman for the rest of the visit. You’d mentioned that a cherry would probably be best for the King, as they were incredibly meek and in need of the amount of attention that this particular King was ready to give, plus they weren't lamia so the chance of breeding while already small, was nearly impossible. The woman was excited over the idea, as she wanted a pet who was easier to cuddle with as opposed to her King who she had to keep far away from her sleeping arrangements. 

You’d made sure to explain fully to her why although she had the best of intentions, King’s were not traditionally pets, and she needed to treat him accordingly. She could keep him as part of her family and give him a better home off the streets, but she needed to be careful not to let him take charge of her life anymore as next time he probably would kill her. She ended up taking this to heart, nodding her head as you led her to the door. 

“I’ll make sure I read more on how I’m supposed to handle him.” She promised, leaving in her car. You’d set a date for that weekend to go and pick up the King, you needed a few days to get a suitable cherry and set up an area in which you could do everything that needed to be done.

---

Meeting the King in question, Moriarty, as he had aptly named himself, was an occasion that was sure to be violent. You had a thick jumpsuit on, with extra layers covering your arms and legs, combat boots your husband had bought you just for these situations, and heavy duty handling gloves on so he couldn’t bite you. You had some safety goggles on as well in case he tried to spit at you, and even your neck was covered by a long collar from your jumpsuit. You didn't take any chances with violent venomous lamia’s especially ones who had reason to believe that you were a threat. You’d nearly lost your brother that way when he’d insisted on trying to calm a venomous lamia without gear. He’d been in the hospital for two weeks and aptly served as yet another reminder that protection bitties were not to be taken lightly.

Your husband was dressed beside you in a similar getup, and he had insisted on taking at least one Squadron bitty with the two of you, said bitty was currently standing at military attention waiting for you to give him orders. He wore camo like most squadron bitties, with a black shirt, ripped off sleeves, a pair of smaller dog tags and miniature combat boots and a knife. He didn't have his ecto flesh summoned so his outfit was a little baggy. His dark green eyelights were focused on you, while his arms were situated behind his back.

You had planned to use magic if things got too bad, but it was always good to have a backup plan.

Squadrons were very similar to Edgies in terms of vocabulary and humor, the only real difference being that they were never overtly hostile to anyone outside of combat. They made dirty jokes all the time and cursed like sailors, but never called you cunt or assface unless they were set out to kill you.

“I’ll need you to stay outside until we give you a signal.” You said to the bitty, watching as he gave a toothsome grin and saluted you in response.

“Just gimmie da signal an I’ll rip em up ma'am.” He replied, forgoing his usual vulgar vocabulary in lieu of a more respectful tone. He gave you a nod as well to tell you not to worry about him and you turned towards your husband with a pleased expression.

“You said this is your best one so far? I’m impressed! He didn't even cuss at me!” You praised watching your husband's face light up.

“Yeah, he used to cuss more than the others but I straightened him out real quick, nothing a little friendly competition couldn't solve.”

Chuckling you turned your attention back towards the door again, and steeling yourself for the worst you knocked on the door. Hopefully she’d managed to tranquilize her king.

“Hello! We’re here today for Miss Shelby! We’re here to pick up the package like we discussed yesterday.

“*GASP* MOTHER! HOW DARE YOU! I TOLD YOU NOT TO GO OUTSIDE! YOU DISOBEYED ME!” You heard the loud, unmistakable shriek of the problematic bitty then a mumble in response before there was a loud crash and the shriek of a woman. Worried that maybe the King had gotten more violent, you tested the doorknob, relieved to find it unlocked.

“Hello, Miss Shelby! I’m coming in!” You shouted, before bursting into the home.

What you saw caused adrenaline to surge through you.

The king in question was wrapped tightly around Shelby’s arm, hood spread out,tail swishing agitated, and teeth bared. He was on the verge of attacking.

Looking at Shelby you could tell how nervous, how terrified she was as she stared at the King’s teeth. You noticed that a plate of noodles lay shattered on the floor.

“Oh thank god.” Shelby breathed out, relieved to see you.

“WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE! BARGING IN HERE! MOTHER TELL THEM TO LEAVE!” The king hissed, moving itself so he was partially wrapped around Shelby’s neck, he had placed himself right next to Shelby’s ear with his teeth still bared and from what you could tell, his fangs were already secreting venom. He was very ready to bite.

“M-m-m-mori! She’s a guest, I invited her over for dinner!” Shelby tried to explain, earning herself a shriek in the ear.

“I DIDN'T GIVE PERMISSION FOR THAT! WE AREN'T ACCEPTING COMPANY! TELL HER TO LEAVE!” Moriarty screeched, tail seeming to tighten around her neck.

Shelby moved to try and loosen the tail only to earn a menacing hiss from the king, your eyes widened a bit as you tried to think of the best course of action. 

Moving towards her would probably cause him to tighten his grip, talking could yield good results but with how agitated he was it would probably only buy you time before he bit her. Maybe if you challenged him he would take the bait, but you couldn't do that if you wanted him to respond to you in training.

Suddenly you were incredibly glad that your husband had insisted on bringing a squadron bitty. The king would probably never see it again, and it would leave you in a neutral position from which to train the king.

You clicked your tongue at the king, not making any sudden movement, he hissed at the sound, and seemed to be hyper focused on you, before its attention snapped to the door, as a bulked up squadron bitty stormed in.

“The fuck is this cunt ordering ya round for!?” The squadron bitty bellowed, he was still minimal size, but you yourself knew better than to underestimate him.

“WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS! LEAVE MY TERRITORY AT ONCE INSOLENT CRETIN!” The King hissed, attention snapping to the other bitty.

Shaking your head, you looked at the little squadron bitty and gave a firm order. “Nothing crazy.” You stated, watching as he frowned in displeasure.

“Fuckin fine. Yer not a lot a fun are ya.” He stated as he stepped forward, chest puffing out as he readied himself for a fight.

“FIGHT ME BITCH!” He screeched out simply at the king, using the most direct way in which to challenge the king.

Taking the bait immediately, the King slithered down in front of his owner, hood spread, and fangs dripping poison. You took a step back, and whispered at Shelby to slowly back away.

There wasn't much of a fight, the King lunged and ended up shot by a tranquilizer as the Squadron bitty jumped out of the way for your husband to get a clear shot of the King’s hood. 

You’d had these instant magic tranquilizers well before the pure bite incident, but they simply did not work on large bitties, they were meant for smaller bitties, and were tested extensively to work instantly said bitties. 

There was no need for an actual fight, and really the simplest solutions were generally the best. You nodded at the Squadron bitty, as he immediately made to restrain the King bitty and brought him over to you, where you put a special muzzle on its skull. After which the squadron dragged it by the tail to a pre-prepared cage.

Having completed your business, you turned towards Shelby, noticing how shocked she seemed. It wasn't uncommon, people tended to be shocked when the people, or “pets” in this instance, that had been tormenting them were taken down. You took the lead, grabbing a shock blanket that you had also, prepared ahead of time and wrapping it around her.

“Do you want me to call someone for you?” You asked, as you secretly examined her for any bites or cuts. Luckily the only injuries she had were bruises from where the king had squeezed her arm too tightly.

Shelby nodded dumbly at you, before grabbing her phone and scanning her finger to unlock it. “Could you… Call my mother… I was too scared to have her over before.” She said, then plopping down in a nearby seat.

You nodded at her. “I’ll wait with you until she gets here.” You said, before pressing the call button on the phone.

---

The very first step in rehabilitating the King wasn’t to immediately jump into training. It was a little different from that. You’d brought your client over after she’d calmed down in order for her to pick out one of the Cherries you’d set aside for the King. You’d set aside 5 of them, not that it really made much of a difference as they were all crying at the prospect of meeting someone new. Most bitties were identical, luckily there were” some notable differences between these cherries, mutations weren’t always bad.

The customer came in, and almost immediately grimaced at the crying Cherries. You’d warned her that they were high maintenance pets, but also assured her that with a King around a lot of the more intolerable aspects would almost certainly be enjoyed by the King.

She did however warm up to the Cherries after a little play time, and after finding out that one of the Cherries enjoyed eating literally ANYTHING, she picked that one in a heartbeat. She stated that she loved cooking new things and someone to enjoy new things with was something she struggled with.

After that she bonded for a short while, she left, she had wanted to hear the cherry say “mommy” before leaving but you insisted that that was a TERRIBLE idea.

After she left, you shoved a heat inducing gummy down a screaming Cherries throat and quite literally threw him into the pen with the King. If you heard hysterical pleas for help, and screams to “shut up slut.” You ignored them, that would sort itself out naturally.

---

You monitored the situation between the King and Cherry loosely. It went exactly as you expected it to. The King violently fucked the Cherry, while the Cherry simultaneously cried for more and pleaded for it to stop at the same time. 

By the end of the week long fuck fest there were no more pleas for stopping, only begging for more. Until finally, the King had firmly marked the Cherry as its own, and was holding it close and whispering as sweet of compliments as it could muster. The Cherry was crying, as usual, but at the offer of food it had accepted the King as its mate. 

You waited another week, allowing the King to thoroughly fuss over the Cherry and fuck away its excess of aggression, before entering the pen. You entered with food, eyeing the King to make sure he didn't pounce. He has significantly calmed down, instead of hissing and threatening he stared at you warily while he held his wide eyed mate close. You set the food down, and nodded.

“I see you enjoy the mate I’ve prepared for you.” You stated, watching as the King’s head tilted to the side as he questioned the implications of that statement.

You left before he could question you. Letting the tranquilizers in the food take effect before you went to collect your newest project.

---

The King awoke in a cage alone while a hysterical Cherry cried as it reached out to him from a cage opposite of him.

You didn't have gloves on as you opened the cage of the Cherry, and you would never admit to smiling at the reaction of the King as you roughly handled the Cherry.

“RELEASSSSSSE MY MATE AT ONCE INSSSSSOLENT HUMAN!” He hissed, utterly incensed at the handling of his new mate. You shook your head, and placed the Cherry on a table, he cowered into your hand, hiding his face as he reached for his mate, but at the same time he still recognized you as a human to trust, you’d bottle fed him after all.

“Ppp-please I want to be with Mori.” He pleaded with you hugging your thumb as his tears colored the edge of his sockets.

You replied softly. “I know, but we have to correct some of his behavior first.” You replied as you shook him off.

He landed on his behind, more tears welling up in his eyes. Before you grabbed a shock collar, and placed it around the neck of the Cherry.

“What’s this’ moAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!” You wasted absolutely no time in shocking the Cherry, watching as its tears pooled on the table, and pissed soaked down its bare legs. The king had thoroughly destroyed any clothing that had been on the Cherry in its vigor. You could make out the small cuts on its form, the first few days had been incredibly rough in terms of sex, not enough to kill the Cherry, but certainly enough that you wondered why it wasnt terrified of the King.

The Cherry flopped on the table, while you looked at the King who’s hood was spread as he hissed, spit and thrashed about in his cage. It was bolted down so there was no way for him to tip it, but it was still quite the sight.

Nodding in satisfaction you placed the sobbing Cherry back in his cage across from the King, where he reached out desperately towards the Cherry intent on comfort, even if that wasn’t his strong suit.

“RELEASSSSE ME AT ONCCCCE! I MUSST COMFORT MY MATE!” He screeched at the same time trying to thrash his tail to strike out at you.

“No comfort will come to your Cherry until we have fixed your behaviors.” You hummed, as you pulled on thick arm coverings and gloves. You approached the King’s cage and unlatched it, grasping around the King’s throat as he attempted to bite your outstretched hand through the gloves. A calculated move in order to direct him as you pleased. 

You wrestled with the King for a while, rolling your eyes and smashing him against the table as he refused to loosen his bite. The King went limp for just a moment while you strapped him to the table with special restraints. His skull wasn't even cracked as you’d gone easy on him, it also helped that his breed was tougher than the pet variety. 

Being strapped down by his neck made the king easier to handle, even when he snapped out of his daze and began to thrash again, this time though without the threat of fangs. It was easy for you to pin down his tail and arms down long enough to strap them to the table. 

This was all just a show of force, to prove that she could do whatever she wanted to his mate, and he could do nothing about it. She needed him as violent as possible in response to threats to his mate, she needed him to stall in relation to his street taught values, if only so she could delete them.

You finished strapping him to the table, and picked up the remote to your mini shock collar, pausing for a moment and wondering if you should maybe start with pulling teeth first. However you needed a far more compliant King than you had currently, and it helped that the Cherry’s cries were beginning to grate on your nerves.

Looking over at the Cherry you sighed, it was still crying, smelly and pitiful as it cowered in the corner furthest from you and the King, too petrified of the violence to move. You waved the button in front of the king who hissed at the sight.

“DO NOT HARM MY MATE YOU WORTHLESSSSSS HUMAN!” He screeched, as you shook your head and pressed the button. As expected the sight of his mate in pain sent him into a frenzy, he spit, while you mocked him for his inability to do anything. You approached the cage of the Cherry intent on subduing the King in the most effective way possible.

“NOOOOOOO!” The King continued to screech. While the Cherry recovered from the shock cowered and begged for you not to hurt him. Of course, that wouldn't happen.

You carefully took the soiled Cherry out of his cage once more, and placed him next to the King, the King seemed to calm as the Cherry strained for its mate. You let them reunite for a moment, if only to grab a bitty sized dental gag and pry the King's mouth open. Once successful, despite the Cherry’s begging. You once more picked up the Cherry, and placed his hand into the King’s mouth, before carefully pricking him with the King’s fangs. 

The unholy screech of the King was nothing like the ones before. His venom was incredibly effective, and on a creature as small as the Cherry its effect was seen immediately. 

Pale faced and beginning to flush redder than normal, the Cherries tears became more frantic. He blubbered the same as normal as he tried to free himself from your grasp. Plopping him next to the King you pressed the button of the shock collar again and held. Looking the King straight in the eyes as it began to cry red tears. There was no understanding past the dental gag. But you knew well enough what was going on. A sinister smile graced your lips as you turned away from the king, taking the Cherry with you as you left the room. As far as the King knew, his mate was dead, dead by its own hand.

---

You returned shortly, having cured the Cherry from the King’s venom and stalled it in order to erase its memory of the training. Standard practice for once a bitty had been fully trained, the training would remain while the memory did not, no risk of blabbing to customers who really had no idea what was happening. It was necessary as while you trained the King the Cherry would bond with its new mother.

The King was still sobbing as you returned, and you used the lack of struggle to your advantage.

“It's a shame he had to die because of you.” You egged on, watching as the King seemed to deflate even further. You took that moment to put on your gloves and remove the restraints. The King didn't attack, and your smile was as venomous as the King as you removed the dental gag.

“WHY?” The King asked, and you couldn't help but chuckle, as you started to stroke its head soothingly, as you spit out harsh words. “That's because you are a bad bitty. A horrible protector.” The king flinched at that but immediately you turned it around. “But still so brave, and handsome.” Of course, the contrary information stilled the King, stalling him, and allowing you to reach for his AI, and stroke it. His eyelights buzzed a little, as you wiped away his need to monopolize his mate, his “charges.” There was of course more work to be done, but he would be too grief stricken to struggle. Just the way you needed him. You supposed it was about time to pull out some teeth.

---

By the time your bitty behavioral therapy was done, the King was a model example of a protection bitty. He was still a horribly bossy creature, but he no longer insisted on isolating his charges or displayed sexual desires outside of for his mate. He focused entirely on “protecting” and only grew violent when there was sufficient threat.

Meanwhile, the Cherry had not stopped crying for his mate until he met his new mother. He was of course still sad, but as most pet variety bitties are ought to do, the introduction of a new mommy or daddy tends to cheer them up instantly. Which was good, as the Chery, newly dubbed Sebastian, had sufficient time to bond with his new mother without the interference of a mate. The client learned easily to care for a Cherry, while also undergoing coaching from the rancher in order to be an effective King owner. 

On the day that the King was to return to his owners care. The owner had been nervous, she had lost confidence in owning bitties, and while Sebastian had helped, it still did not erase the nervousness she felt even after 2 months.

“I’m not sure about taking him back.” She stated, holding the Cherry close to her heart, he was as usual, teary eyed, but at the words of his owner, he burst into hysterics.

“Nooo!!! Mommy please I want Mori back! Please let me see Mori!” He begged, rubbing his snot covered face into her shirt. The owner seemed to deflate at this, and sighed, rubbing her Cherries back in reassurance. While you marveled at the fact that he was still suffering from some sort of stockholm syndrome.

“We’ll just have to see for now.” She said, and looked at you for reassurance. 

“You really don't have to worry.” You replied, voice chipper. “He’s nothing like he was before, you’ll be safer with him now than you would be without. He’s a model King, the perfect guard for any home.” You made your way towards the back noting the wariness of your client, but you stood by what you said, Moriarty was a model King, with all the coaching you’d given Shelby there was no reason to worry anymore.

Making your way into the back you spotted Moriarty in his enclosure, he was sunning himself as you approached. There was no sign of pulled teeth, skinned tails, or broken bones anywhere on him, and he only flinched slightly at the sound of your voice.

“Your mothers ready to see you now.” You sang watching the King light up and practically shoot to your outstretched arm. He curled himself around your arm, vibrating with anticipation at the prospect of seeing his mother again. You hummed in satisfaction as you made your way back to where Shelby was waiting.

The Cherry fell to the floor as he threw himself out of his mothers arms, he fell with a thwack, chanting Mori as he ran to you. The King very nearly pounced at the Cherry, he had tears in his eyes and seemed shocked and elated to see his mate. Although the Cherry's supposed ‘death’ had been erased from his mind he still had thought his mate dead, thus the tears. Before he could rush to his mate you held your hand up. “Stop.” You commanded, preventing the King who was practically vibrating from going to his mate. He was restless and voiced his immense displeasure. “YOU MUST LET ME GO SEE IF MY MATE IS HARMED!” He practically screeched into your ear, but still stayed still, causing Shelby’s eyes to widen in shock. She would have never imagined that the previously unruly and violent King would become so obedient, even if he was still incredibly bossy.

The Cherry at your feet practically hugged your leg as he cried and pleaded for his mate to come to him, you stopped walking forward before your punted him across the room, and smiled warmly at Shelby even as Moriarty squirmed on your shoulders as he looked between his mate and his mother, frustration growing as he stayed put, as you were gesturing for him to.

The cries of the Cherry became background noise as you spoke to Shelby. “As you can see, he’s fully trained now. All you need to do is handle him like I taught you and he’ll respond appropriately.”

“YOU MUST LET ME DOWN NOW!” The king snapped, as he crossed his arms, still waiting for permission. Nothing could change his bossy tone, but he still could be trained to behave.

Your customer sputtered for a bit, before she seemed to snap out of it. “Oh… Um… Yes… Come here.” She said, and gestured with her hands as you’d taught her for her previously unruly King to come.

The response was instant, he practically lept from your arm, disregarding the Cherry, albeit patting him on the head as he passed, and basically leapt into the outstretched hand that his ‘mother’ had out for him. He practically purred at the contact with his ‘mother’, nuzzling her arm affectionately as he hugged her arm, shocking her while at the same time earning a smile.

“I AM VERY CROSS WITH YOU MOTHER! YOU DO NOT KNOW HOW MUCH I MISSED YOU!” The King stated, holding on firmly to his mothers arms as he stared longingly at the crying Cherry that was running and trying to climb up his mothers leg.

“I can see that.” She answered, smile wide and tears coloring the side of her eyes.

“NOW I MUST INSIST THAT WE COMFORT MY MATE!” He screeched, looking down at Sebastian with longing. Which in turn caused his owner to laugh and reach down to pick up the crying Cherry.

“There we go, the whole family’s together, Sebastian, Moriarty and mommy!” She cried, sniffling as Moriarty kissed the forehead of his crying mate.

“Thank you so much!” She cried, as she walked over to you and shook your hand. “I can’t believe how much he’s changed! Thank you! I can’t thank you enough!” 

Grinning ear to ear, you replied. “Really, it was my pleasure.”