#kozuelovemail

[okthatsgreat]

drawing requests..... give me ur craziest toxic yuri. absolutely insane. worst of the worst. nuclear.

they have loud screaming matches twice a week in the cafeteria

[yuridovewing]

this one ? i keep track of it bc it's such a useful image to have lmfao

YES THATS THE ONE THANK YOUUUUU

[aco1yte]

hiiiii lev :3 u literally just made a whole page but if u drew any more johanna i will go absolutely insane & hurt myself and others. please.

Johanna’s victor interview costume concept :333333 I was very excited to post this because I spent an ungodly amount of time designing it so if you don’t wanna see the insane ramblings of a huge nerd just skip the entire next section but here are my original concepts, moodboard, inspiration, and symbolism in the final costume:

Here is everything I wrote at the moment of conceptualizing my thoughts (apologies if it’s incomprehensible)

“I’ve been thinking About how katniss’ victor interview dress is specifically designed in a certain way to make her look the most innocent and to explain her actions in the arena . And I was like omg. What would Johanna’s stylist do now that she’s totally different than when she entered ?? So.

Ok so basically they explain in catching fire that Johanna’s whole ‘strategy’ was to act really afraid and small until it came down to it and she was actually really strong because of all her time chopping trees or whatever .. But Johanna was only 17 when she won her games and I think more likely she was scared into it, since district 7 is a poor district and she definitely wasn’t a volunteer. But the capitol was OBSESSED with her uncharacteristic brutality in the arena and basically made it her brand, ppl liked it so much that they attempted to do something (probably traffic her) which she refused and they killed her whole family and everyone that mattered to her.

But if I was a rich capitol stylist and I wanted to capitalize on the way she killed the other tributes (which was hacking them with a battle axe) I would use her interview costume the same way cinna used katniss’ to accentuate her innocence, but in the opposite way ? If that makes sense. Like they would want to make her look as intentionally brutal and cruel as possible bc that’s what they sold after her victory (like finnick’s sexual promiscuity or Peeta and katniss’ unconditional love), and in fact it was so successful that before getting to know her katniss says she seems like she genuinely enjoys murdering people. So I wanted her dress to accentuate the way she would have looked in her worst moments, covered in like the parts of the other tributes bc that’s how she’s remembered.

Also I really like those frilly collars on her bc they’re pretty and couture but at the same time it’s so subtly insulting because it somehwat insinuates that she needs to be collared like a violent animal (even though she only did what she was forced to) (…)”

@kozuelovemail this is for you. You sparked me into this insanity

[exocynraku]

Lesbian lightleap? :)

lesbian party ( @kozuelovemail )

[okthatsgreat]

hiiii :3 can u draw.... irumaki ........ i think they're pretty funny

ooohhhhhhh .........................

[okthatsgreat]

trick or treat :3 only if it's still open ofc..... coughs up blood and dies

her and nekomaru spend the entire halloween party beating the shit out of each other

[okthatsgreat]

new opddmh updates..... like. three of them. crazy. haven't been keeping up as well as usual (acting stuff and work tag teaming my free time and absolutely destroying it) but i have finally started to binge and i truly truly love what u r doing w makoto and miu. so different but still connecting on an in-depth level and balancing eachother out ....... sometimes a relationship is an ex-reality show killing game figurehead and the world's worst teenager fresh out of the hospital against the world. do u have any insights on the way u write relationships and connections or just them in specific that come to mind bc oh my god. please do tell

HELLO AGAIN :]!!! AND HAHAHAH THATS ALL GOOD ive been so busy also FINGERS CROSSED IM ABLE TO GET MY UPDATE SCHEDULE ON TRACK LOL

TALKING ABOUT THIS FIC!!! :] big ole ramble down below lol

(i use the word "partner" a lot here but just know i am not referring to strictly romantic relationships lol)

OHHH GOD. relationship writing advice HMM HMMMMM. it really is very complex bc there are SO many different types of relationships that can be written about ghfdgjh so advice definitely varies!!! i think something helpful that i've learned is that unless you are purposefully examining power dynamics it always helps to view both sides as fully realised characters. very very rarely do you want to have a character who is solely there to agree with their second half and have no personality or history outside of this. i see this happen a LOT with romantic pairings but it's also an important note for platonic pairings as well!! ESPECIALLY if the main focus of the story is on this specific pairing-- it shouldnt feel like one person is a human being while the other is a cardboard cutout whose only purpose is to be there for their partner. again there ARE a few exceptions to this and how it is portrayed but its the main rule i like to stick to!! :]

if i feel like ive written a character who is solely there for their partner something immediate i go to is giving both characters something that separates them!! most of the time this includes fleshing out a backstory thats different from their partner, that might influence the way they see things within the narrative. give them a different hobby, maybe a different friend group! give them a different perspective on the events that are unfolding, a different way of coping that might not be beneficial to their partner!! and remember that it is OKAY for them to not agree on everything!!!! do not be frightened into thinking you need every single relationship in your story to be perfect and unproblematic and completely agreeable, especially for longer narratives that call for conflict

OH AND IN REGARDS TO FANFICTION... piece of advice i try to follow is donttttt try to mold characters into entirely different people just so they can stay happy and agreeable with their partner lol. if theres tension theres tension!! if theyre petty then theyre petty!!!!! even if there isnt conflict and youre writing fluff, you dont have to erase their personalities just to fit them together as a happy couple! sometimes the challenge in writing comes from finding what happiness means for that specific character/pairing, and that may be very different from the typical idea of romance/happiness!!

AND NOW ON TO MAKOTO AND MIU first of all. i am so sorry for making you read paragraphs upon paragraphs of me just rambling nonsense at you GHFDKGSH BUT I APPRECIATE IT!!! and second of all this technicallllyyyy is advice i guess but its WAY more specific now!!! lol

anyways when it comes to writing their relationship most of their dynamic is based off of their differences! opddmh miu is brash and loud, and even though she is trying more and more to filter what she says she still speaks before she thinks and grows restless very easily. opddmh makoto on the other hand cant afford to be brash and loud and thinks quite a lot before he says anything, and is lot visibly calmer. so its fun examining how their differences are able to influence the other throughout the fic!!!! miu NEEDED that calming influence considering the state she was in when makoto found her, i quite frankly have no idea where the hell she would be now if makoto hadnt been so patient and understanding ghfdksghkf. makoto on the other hand is a man chained down by responsibility, so much so that his life has become extremely dull in his eyes just because of how repetitive it has started to become. miu is a serious change to this and offers him some kind of purpose while also reminding him of not only how SCARED he was as a teenager first exiting the simulator but also how unrestrained he had been before the years went by. theres a balance there!!!

but at the same time, there ARE some similarities. theyre both a bit paranoid, and even if miu is more willing to be vocal about her distaste theyre both scared of danganronpa as a company. they also both strive for some kind of peace, even if they have different versions of it-- makoto wishes to be unburdened by the weight of responsibility and his Ultimate Hope persona while miu wishes for stability in her relationships with others, even if she just isnt the best at it. its why i like writing small moments such as the two of them just sitting in the car and chatting or the most recent moment where theyre not talking at all but are still comfortable in each others company-- they dont explicitly tell the other that theyre super happy and at peace but they both subconsciously understand :)

OKAY CUTTING MYSELF OFF!!!! GFHDGFDJ THANK YOU SO SO MUCH <33

[okthatsgreat]

kind of a rant but this has annoyed me 4ever!!!! dr fandom in general has this massive push when it comes to trying to make characters as sympathetic and justified as possible which is absolutely hilarious considering one of danganronpa's biggest strengths is itself the flaws of the characters and the way they're portrayed in context of said flaws. i have no clue how you can look at a character like komaeda and fight to make him literally just a sopping wet cat in a cardboard box when you have literally have a five course meal in the exploration of his characters morality. idk abt the rest of u but personally i want my favs to be worse and evil and completely nonfunctional

YEPPPPPP you get it you really get it!!!! every single character has flaws, many of which are amplified to the extreme due to the killing game setting they are in. so many danganronpa fans want perfect blameless victims when that really does not apply to MOST of the cast. but them not being completely blameless is what makes the writing COMPELLING!! these are a bunch of scared asshole teenagers in a killing game! they are going to be frightened and selfish and mean and hostile with each other!!! removing the flaws from these characters just turns them into people they arent and makes them a LOT less interesting imo. there is so much to explore with so many of these characters already and a lot of it has to do with their inherent character flaws and the selfishness of their actions. like guys this is a killing game .. you are not going to be able to justify everybodys motivations. they are going to be cruel and they are going to think of themselves but thats what makes their writing so human

[okthatsgreat]

ok. we r back. and crazy. but so so back. akane here is so fun to explore because she is so desperate to not feel anything she associates with weakness and to avoid all potential forms of vulnerability that she has cut herself out of the lives of everyone she loves and just kind of. forced them to deal with the aftermath. ofc it's not like she EXACTLY knew but she's still done it. but there's clearly something going on and she's clearly struggling and something has clearly HAPPENED and no one will mention exactly what it was. you have no idea how much i want to figure it out..... ive been sleuthing. trying to figure out everything i can. what HAPPENED to freak her out SO BAD.....

ok that is a LOT wow. my filter goes away when it's late and it is LATE so that's my bad. one of the few days i have before i go back to work though!! i can't exactly ask you exactly what happened but i think my main points of curiousity are more on the specifics of the perspectives akane's class has on her as well as the one she has on them.... any notes you have on her mentality or her public perception not completely explored as well.... tldr as much as you can about current situations w/o complete spoilers lmfao. akane you are such a case study. you deserve your own little spot in the dsm5

SHES SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. SHES JUST SO

as always gonna throw this under read more EL OH EL!!! talking about this fic :]

akane opddmh is an extreme case of distancing yourself from anything that makes you upset and its gotten to the point where she is not only severely hurting herself because of it but other people are falling into the crossfire!! she definitely doesnt INTEND to be hurting people-- she truly believes that others should not be worrying about her and that her being ignored by the company is entirely her responsibility-- but she unfortunately has. and IS CURRENTLY lol. so much of akane's story is about what she's missed, and that includes the struggles of her classmates that she's been trying very desperately to avoid. my friend essie made a really good point in a comment-- she mentioned that akane is caught in this awful limbo where she is aware there is a reason why she is avoiding her classmates, but she is also clearly in the wrong. and it's a difficult thing to stomach, especially when thinking about the topic is something that brings back some god awful memories.

hehehehehe i cant reveal what exactly went down just yet!!!!!! but concerning what happened to make her leave it's important to remember what weakness means to akane and how her mentality has very greatly been warped after her killing game. strength and being perceived as strong is important for opddmh akane, to the point where it is detrimental to her own health. one of the main reasons for her leaving is shame over whatever happened, which i think is important to keep in mind :]

i also cant reveal the ENTIRE class' reaction to her leaving/their thoughts about her mainly because i plan on getting around to them >:) MOSTLY everybody still feels some kind of worry for her, as mentioned explicitly by sonia and kazuichi but also mentioned offhandedly by people like mahiru and nekomaru. In other people's povs, i try to make the cast of season 2 bring up akane in casual conversation, but nothing too in depth. a lot of these people have grown somewhat tired of her shenanigans, so while most of them haven't given up on her or become completely indifferent towards her they still keep talk about akane to a minimum if they can. because they know the answer already: they're not gonna get one. and it's disheartening to have to hear it from mikan, rather than akane herself. plus, those who are burdened with a lot of the danganronpa work (like hajime, chiaki, and sonia) not only view akane as somebody who needs to come back for personal reasons but also for work related reasons. it becomes a tricky tightrope walk of wanting to be a good friend and giving her space versus needing her to pick up some slack already

akane views a lot of her classmates through the same blanket statement of "these people were all there when It™ happened and they are old classmates", and tends to not view them individually if she can help it. if she ever got to the point where she thought about them one by one and what they meant to her she might spiral entirely LMFAO. she isn't completely sure what they think about her but she assumes it is entirely negative across the board, which says a lot about how she views herself and what she's done as well. and in her defense, some of them do view her in a negative light! this includes gundham, who we recently learned was one of the first people to confront her about how much she's left behind.

mikan is an entirely different story however-- in akane's mind she lives in a seperate bubble from her class, somebody who isn't represented by that blanket statement despite BEING there when It™ happened along with the rest of them. and a lot of that has to do with mikan's timidness and her refusal to upset akane-- she's very likely the only person who hadn't started the conversation with some variation of "do you wanna talk about what happened" after everything went down. there will be more of an elaboration about mikans role in akanes history further down the line, but for now just know that they both view each other positively, and akane has convinced herself that a large part of that is because of her refusal to be seen as weak.

public perception is a whooollleeee other question ghfdjsghkfdgj. team danganronpa in opddmh is excellent at finding a character's box and forcing them to stay in it, no matter how watered down or one-dimensional they start to become. because more and more killing game survivors had arrived over the years, survivors that the public saw as a lot more interesting than somebody like akane, she's been brushed off to the side a bit. she's mentioned in her own internal dialogue that this comes with benefits but also consequences-- she's happy she doesnt have to be in the spotlight all of the time but she isn't well taken care of in the company. she is also frequently sexualised, a part of her job she absolutely can not stand to even think about. she isn't the most intelligent person but she is certainly aware of what role danganronpa has stuck her into, and even if she tries to play dumb about it she is a lot wiser than she used to be in regards to how she's treated

JESUS THAT WAS A LOT THAT I JUST TYPED SORRY!!!! THANKS FOR THE QUESTION AND GOOD LUCK AT WORK!! 😃👍🏻

[okthatsgreat]

i am GRABBING YOU and SHAKING YOU. did you know your mikane is the craziest. did you. did you know that. last chapter drove me so far up the wall i am still yet to calmndown...... poor mikan. imagine ur emotionally repressed gf runs away again only for two children w the exact same problem to come barging through your door.

i have so many things to ask........ but i shan't ask them all. please please tell me anything about ur ideas for mikane in general or in oppdmh bc they're the most crazy insane yuri ever. OH RIGHT YEAH AND. the actual question. obviously opddmh mikan still struggles with anxiety, but how do you think she's changed in mentality and issues after everything that came after danganronpa? any issues outgrown or gained? morphed in some way? love ur work so much every time. u made me pause my utena rewatch and that is such a big compliment u do not even know

GRABS YOU SHAKES YOUSHAKESYOU SHAKES YOU SHAKES YOU

talking about this fic, as always putting the answer under read more for people who dont wanna read lol!!!!!!!

OHHH MY GOD IM INSANE ABOUT THEMM. went into this fic knowing that i wanted mikan and akane to have their own povs because i thought theyd bring different perspectives, especially in comparison to makoto's pov. i knew what i wanted mikans story to involve and i had a vague idea about akanes (fun fact rantaro was originally gonna be kaito LOL) and then like two chapters into writing mikans point of view i was like waiiiitttt a minute. wait a minute hold on. what if they were in love. and what if they were so not normal about it

it made so much sense for the story i wanted both of them to tell that immediately i went into my notes and started pivoting a few things LMFAO. i just think that their relationship (or their pining at least lol) is able to neatly underline some of their core themes/issues in this fic, whether that be for better or for worse. through the lens of their relationship im hoping to convey mikan's sheer capacity of worry and insecurity, how she finds it difficult to move through life without another person to rely on even if she has done a bit of growing since the simulator and how that dependency affects her. and then of course akane's emotional repression is highlighted through their relationship (her forgetfulness, her inability to communicate, LEAVING all of the time), but also it's a great reminder of just how protective akane can get even if she isn't there. not to mention how worried she gets about mikan despite her absolute refusal to worry.

they care about each other to the point of unspoken codependency and while it is absolutely making both of them feel safe and happy it is still a reminder of their underlying problems. akane would do anything to avoid somebody thinking she is weak enough to be cared for. but all mikan can do is care and care and care about her. both of them are so willing to shoulder the problems of the other but neither of them want to be seen as burdens, so all they end up doing is silently dance around their issues until eventually somebody caves. INSANE YURI MOMENT

mikan still absolutely has anxiety LMFAO and dare i say..... she's...... kind of better????????????????????? or maybe not actually. going into this i had to think about how to write these characters in a way that felt true to who they are but also remembering that they have GROWN, even if danganronpa really makes them feel as if they havent lol. this is a mikan who has likely endured years of therapy, even if that therapy is SHIT at best. this is also a mikan who has been shoved into the spotlight rather forcibly and has basically been given the choice to adapt or die. so i probably shouldnt say that shes "better", it's more that shes had to modify herself to fit this new lifestyle of hers. she hasnt been given much of a choice, and i imagine shes had a few years to really fuck up and struggle before reaching this point. she is constantly in the spotlight and basically always under scrutiny, so ive sort of swayed away from her wanting attention and focused more on how she reacts to this attention-- shes grown bitter from the negative and she doesnt think she deserves most of the positive. it's this hurricane of problems with mikan and a lot of it involves her own struggle to view herself as a good person, which stems heavily from the insecurities she already had in her game and intensified by what happened outside of it. years of being seen as this iconic chapter three killer has absolutely worn her down a bit, but there is still a part of her that yearns for control over her life and the people surrounding it. she is still SO anxious, ive tried to really hammer home quite a few recurring symptoms with her like her nervous tics, sickness/lack of appetite, hair shedding, etc!! and she is extremely bitter about how shes been treated, too, which im hoping to elaborate on further on down the line. however she really, REALLY can not be passing out in front of cameras or throwing any fits about the exploitation shes endured since shes been a teen because the company she works for wont accept anything that isnt on brand. and underneath it all shes still that scared little kid that desperately wants to please

she's an older mikan but she is still very much hurting, not necessarily any less but in a way that's a bit different if that makes sense :)

you are SO FUCKING NICE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <33333333333

[okthatsgreat]

hello!! same person as the read more opddmh ask, off anon now (accidental click hiding my identity permanently. alas) and wow you have fed me so well oh my god. ive been rereading really focusing on that lens and im going absolutely NUTS!! hope you don't mind if i ask another question im just so hooked. r there any dynamics youve especially enjoyed exploring, or hope you get a chance to explore further/introduce?

KOZUELOVEMAIL !!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE YOU.

referring to this post talking about this fic :]!! again going to put this under read more LMFAOO

ohhhhhh my god ok so first of all i know its probably the obvious answer since they are like. the very first people to get introduced in the fic but ive loved writing makoto and miu hgfdbshfjbg i think it started when i was writing lgowab and there were a couple of scenes between them in that fic?? i just remember makoto being this sort of calming and influencing presence to miu, who if youve read that fic definitely needed somebody calm around her lmfao. writing miu in THIS fic im always trying to keep in mind how she would act around adults rather than kids her age and i thought it was important for her to have somebody """""""stable""""""" (worlds BIGGEST asterisk on the stable part) that's able to empathise with her. and on the other hand, i thought it'd be neat for somebody that's wild as hell like miu to be interacting with this version of makoto, since he's sort of lost a lot of his youth to the company he works for :] in a way theyre able to balance each other out. theres still a lot of learning the both of them have to do, miu has a long way to go in terms of trust and makoto is still unable to prioritise his own feelings rather than everybody elses, but theyre certainly getting there!! :] never thought one of my favorite dynamics would be rowdy teenage girl picked up off of the streets interacting with jaded "ultimate hope" but here we are....

very excited to keep going with mikane SOOO excited for them. theres this unspoken codependency that both of them have with each other even if they refuse to admit it. mikan is the ONLY person akane talks to from her class and seems to be the only person she interacts with at all. but on the other hand, mikan relies on akane to be that stability for her, and has to believe in akanes act because of this. i make sure to frequently reference how mikan is worried about akane in her pov and vice versa, because even if they aren't together they're still thinking about the other :] they care about each other so so much, but both of them have this unexpressed reliance on the other for their own personal wellbeing that, again going back to the danganronpa of it all, has a lot to do with their own personal traumas. im trying not to make it super duper heavy handed or anything just yet but it will be explored later on when they finally reunite!!!!!!!!!!! :] writing for mikane can be so funny sometimes especially with akane who is constantly like "yeah mikan is the only person i think about most of the time lol. platonically tho. im not gay"

AND honestly this unspoken dependency sort of applies to naegiri too, even if it is even less stated-- even if makoto and kyoko have other people to turn to in the rare event they DO want to talk about their feelings, theyre still relying on the other for some kind of stability. so even if they are both extremely aware that the other is lying to them in some capacity there will always be worry coming from both sides, which hopefully will get elaborated on later when we get to the peak of makotos arc :D

OHHHH MY GOD BYAKUYA AND MIU TOO. OBSESSED WITH THEM. both of them are such assholes i loooovveeee writing about their whole deal. they are both so so aware of their morality in comparison to somebody like makoto who is just so objectively good that its difficult not to question their standing and why he would want to hang around them. but they are so funny together because miu can not stand how uptight he is and byakuya would actually for real rather kill himself than admit he wants to be friends with her they are everything 2 me

gfshdghgfs as im writing this im realising there are SO MANY i want to explore but i dont want to keep you here forever and ever LMAO so ill try to make this quick first of all. i love exploring angie and kirumi's dynamic. theyre both in different stages of denial, even if kirumi tries to pretend like she isnt. soooo much of kirumi is driven by guilt it is insane, guilt that now EXTENDS to angie because of the whole riot thing. and angie oooughhgh angie. ive got scenes for these guys already written out that i cant waiiiitttttt for

both rantaro and ryoma mirror akane in different ways so im looking forward to their moments as well!!! don't know if i should be elaborating on that because it's very very possibly a spoiler LMFAO but just know things are going to happen. they are definitely going to happen

makoto and junko are also very fun :] still foils to each other but at the same time grossly similar in the way they are exploited by the company. also they hate each other. love writing them

alright im practicing restraint. going to stop now THANK YOU AGAIN SORRY THIS IS SO LONG!!!!!!!! I JUST LIKE TALKING ABOUT THINGS THANKS AGAIN :]] <33

[okthatsgreat]

what's step 2 on this friendship quest. some of us r already australian 😒

ok so now what you’re gonna do is you’re gonna head to the big library and you’re gonna ask for lee there is going to be somebody at the front who takes you into a hidden hallway. DO NOT MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH THE EMPLOYEE just keep walking and you are going to get there eventually. godspeed

[okthatsgreat]

ask game :3 hiiiiiiii :3 🎵 akane or lady junko herself. seen so many ppl try and assign her songs and they never ever get it right. But no pressure. i trust u.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK (<- can literally only think about cool about it boygenius in regards to akane now)

sorry for being an alanis morisette fan on main ive just been listening to a lot of her stuff recently HGFJDKGH

AS FOR JUNKO! (should not be trusted to give her a song)

ask game!

[okthatsgreat]

IS THE CHARACTER ASK GAME STILL OPEN..... akane Or junko :3 *looks up at u with my big brown eyes*

STARES BACK AT U WITH BLUE EYES THAT ARE UNNERVING

[okthatsgreat]

sorry i can't stop giggling over your latest post. are we talking casual listener swiftie all the lyrics memorised and ranking all the albums swiftie or finding decoded messages in every frame in every music video and using them to discover that taylor plans to release her next album exactly two years sixty seven days from now when she kills ron desantis and takes his head as a trophy swiftie. either way stay strong soldier. i have been subjected to the taylorverse too many times by those closest to me and i would not wish that on anyone else

they're in deep i have to say. definitely not a casual listener and loves loves loves taylor swift and harry styles. majority of their songs memorised and while i wouldnt say my partner does the frame by frame thing they are pretty invested in what taylor is up to.

we're doing this new thing where each day she sends me a taylor swift song to listen to and i send her a radiohead song and we see who can kill the other the quickest

[okthatsgreat]

ok the new chapter has been released and i can contain myself no longer. ive been going crazy over miu. i hope you know that. something i have been evercurious about is ur exact thoughts on miu's patterns of self destruction & idolization and devaluation of herself and those around her. what are ur thoughts on that. how do u think she's coping with her situation getting worse, and her isolation from probably some of the first connections she's had (we see this in her & makoto's chapters already but it's always interesting to get psychoanalysis from within a work and from it's creator i think!!)

YEA!! YEEEAAAAA !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <33333333

talking about THIS FIC!

OKAY alright so opddmh miu....... godd. when i was originally planning on what i wanted to do with miu the first thing i thought of was what happened immediately after she woke up. dying because of a failed murder plot would definitely affect a person quite a bit LMFAO. like not only would that make her even more paranoid of the classmates she has been confined alongside with but it would also reasonably knock down her confidence by an absolute ton. suddenly the lack of connections she's made with her classmates is made EXTREMELY clear as she's woken up, and it's difficult to suddenly start trying to be friends with them considering what she attempted to do in the simulator and also the fact that she is scared of the majority of them. there is a reason she ran off on her own, after all. this is a miu who is processing trauma and GUILT of an unimaginable caliber, and who is doing it on her own. i thought it was really important that was highlighted-- at the beginning of this fic, she is alone. so there are very few people to look towards in terms of self adjustment.

but at the same time, she DOES want to change, whether thats out of genuine guilt, or shame that her behaviour was televised nationwide. its why she has unconsciously started to look for some sort of moral compass. ive made a few references to her having conversations with kaede (all of these conversations seem to involve kaede telling miu off/telling miu she needs to be better) that have already shaped a lot of mius mindset-- i wanted there to be some sort of showcase of miu attempting to look for some sort of role model even if she doesn't know it/admit it. kaede is somebody she sees as a "good person", so her opinion inherently matters a lot more to her than the opinion of somebody she thinks isn't "good". after she runs off, this mentality shifts to the first person who is able to prove themselves as an upstanding citizen: makoto. miu doesnt fully TRUST him just yet, but she knows that he is a good person based on his actions and also what other people (byakuya) have told her. its not only paranoia about her safety that leads her to ask byakuya all of those questions about makoto, its also a way to gauge just the type of person makoto is.

its also another reason why she compares herself to makoto during her conversations with byakuya. mius confidence has taken a huge beating after the killing game, and i wanted her insecurities about that to be shown throughout her stay at makotos. she doesnt think she DESERVES to be there. miu is still a selfish and self-preserving person, so she is going to grab for any opportunity she can to keep herself safe (she only went with makoto because he had convinced her it would be safer than the smile motel, not because she could trust him). but this doesn't mean she doesn't second guess makotos intentions or her own self worth. miu has this crippling inability to form bonds because she just can not trust that people arent going to leave her lol. she tries to pay makoto back any way she can so that he sees value in her that she can not see in herself, ESPECIALLY now that she is no longer the "genius inventor" that danganronpa made her out to be. miu as a character has always had insecurities about the validities of her own talent and self worth, but now that its been proven fake, she finds it incredibly hard to believe that she brings any sort of value into the naegi household. which, in her mind, makes it so much easier for makoto to want to kick her out. it's this paranoid mess of needing to be safe and wanting to prove herself. she can't believe somebody would want to help her out if shes done nothing for them, because she herself would hardly think to do that if it meant endangering her own life, so it becomes this desperate need to keep herself in line. she wants to be a good person but she can't stand the thought of being hurt again, and a lot of her internal conflict is about the guilt that comes along with that.

anyways tldr miu iruma in opddmh is alone, frightened, and paranoid, and her actions in the simulator have caused her to unconsciously reach for a moral compass to idolise. she wants to be a good person but she also desperately wants to stay safe, because in her eyes it is difficult to imagine a future where these people dont choose to leave her 😃👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻

IM SORRY IF THIS DOESNT MAKE SENSE I JUST SORTA VOMITED WORDS LOL!!! <3