#brain: no. bad. uncomfortable.
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I mowed him sorry (← guy who thinks buzzed heads are handsome)
#one piece#roronoa zoro#baseball player-lookin head.....#descriptions in alt text#was talking with a friend about this and we decided ace went thru a stage of hating hair cuts/brushing as a kid#so when it got too tangled dadan would just shave it all off for him bc it was less uncomfortable in the long run#and luffy now has a cain instinct to slap the shit out of any bald head he sees#which is bad bc now he's a million times stronger so zoro nearly got OHKO'd#don't worry he ate a handful of walnuts and recovered (they're good for the brain)
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a 4 page not-so-happy borusen comic
(tw; underage grooming, depictions of dark themes from the victim's point of view)
hidden under a cut for your viewing or non-viewing pleasure
#sentomaru#borsalino kizaru#one piece#art#having one of those bad brain days so i took it out on sentomaru#sorry bubby#please just dont read or engage if it makes you uncomfortable im not your mom!
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last night i had the most insanely detailed and realistic dream about someone i cut off contact with a while back. in the dream they got in touch and apologised, and asked if we could be friends again, and i said yes - but it turned out that this was a ruse to get me to expose all my insecurities so they could store up ammunition and psychologically destroy me with absolute maximum efficiency. can my subconscious fucking take a break and count to ten please
#one detail i remember really clearly was that in the dream they'd convince me to flirt with people at parties and such#by pretending to be my wingman and going 'that girl at the bar was totally checking you out!!' and so on#and then during their psychological takedown they were like 'btw none of those people were actually into you'#'i just told you they were because it was funny to watch how bad you are at flirting and how uncomfortable you made them lol'#what the hell!!! how is this something my brain came up with all on its own!!!#so evil
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waugh today was awful and I have to go back for three or four more laser sessions in the next few months...... at least I have my writing group to look forward to tomorrow if I have the willpower to get out of bed :3
#laser eye surgery is. hm. bad#the laser itself doesn't hurt but the disc they put on your eye is awful and they're all like#''look at the green dot!'' and i can barely keep my other eye open bc I'm streaming tears bc they put drops in my eye to dilate my pupils so#everything is so bright it hurts and they keep swinging this little torch in front of my vision#sometimes the laser makes your brain make a pop noise which is terrifying#genuinely one of the most uncomfortable experiences of my life#autism nightmare
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🫖🐭☁️🍚
#so i did meet my old friend from years ago yesterday. i was sooooo nervous omgggg. and i was waiting outside the café we agreed on#and then saw them walk in and i was like omgggg. the anxiety... but then i gathered courage and walked towards it and thry saw me thru the#window and came out and immediately hugged me. then they were like 'omg i've been so nervous. even more than before like a date!!'#so that made me relax a bit. i feel like i dont really fully estimate what i mean to them. maybe they care about me as well haha !!#then we just got our stuff and i chose a smoothie and was ready to pay but they just got it with their stuff (they work at this chain so#they got a discount). i feel so so bad & anxious when someone else pays for me. like i feel like a burden#but i asked twice if i should send them money for it and they were like no that's fine. so i had to tell myself to just shut up abt it 🥲#bc if u keep asking u make it into a thing and make them uncomfortable etc. so i really appreciated that and it was nice even if i felt bad#but yeah then we just sat down and talked. and it was so much easier to talk to them than i had been worried abt#like it flew nicely and yeah.. i feel like i forgot a lot abt them. like they're good at conversating. so they kept it going & even if i was#awkward it was fine for them. i did however get swept up in my own anxiety so as they asked me questions i answered#but then was too whirlwindy so i didnt really ask as much back and there were things i wanted to ask but didnt :')))#then they had cards and a card game with them. so we played for a bit too. and it was a lot of fun!!! (i was anxious and kinda slow lmao#bc when i dont know smth or the rules etc already my brain stops working so yeah.. even if it was simple games i was like um um what do i do#felt stupid but yeah again they didnt do anyhing to contribute to me feeling stupid but i still felt slow >.<#but i still thought that was so much fun. i wanna do more of that T-T like yeah...that was nice#then we took a lil longer walk to a bus stop before hastily said goodbye bc the busses came T-T#it was really really really nice tho. i have missed them a lot#and i didnt .. think we would ever see eachother again. i really didnt think this could happen#im so glad i somehow got brave enough to message them and im so so glad they wanted to see me too#i cant help but wish i could go back to when we were younger#and we spent every day in school together and messaged during the days and evenings and spent sm time together#when we went into the city like several times a week and took long walks. ahh... well. im glad we got to have those moments#& idk what will happen now. i really really want to see them again. even if we'll never be that close friends again i'd *wish* that we could#still be in touch. but im so bad at replying which doesnt go over great with them.. i'll try my best to reply quicker to them#*if* they message me. sadly i cant erase my avpd but i'll try my best to reply faster if and when they message)#they also complimented my sweater i was wearing (which is my fav sweater) !!!! and yeah.. they looked so cool. which they always have#and i kept thinking abt how nice their eye makeup was (i was too shy to compliment it tho bc im really bad at like 'nice' affectionate and#anything feeling related. like im so bad... so i couldnt say anything </3)#ugh it was just so nice to sit and talk with them. im so glad i went despite my fears. bc this was so good and nice :')))
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Hey if you’re still enjoying and engaging with Harry Potter in any capacity you can unfollow me 😊 please and thank you
Like. I get it. I was super into it as a kid too. I did not have the social context to pick up on the antisemitism or transphobia or sexism or fatphobia or bioessentialism or racism or anything else. I also picked up on surface-level language of Fighting Back Against Evil and ascribed my own values onto what that meant and thought we were all on the same page. I remember when the original kids who grew up with the books started becoming adult fans and picking up on the (blatant!) antisemitism and everybody was still mostly willing to give JKR the benefit of the doubt on it. (“She was writing kids books!” They said. “She didn’t know she was penning a global phenomenon! She picked a common literary trend in European fairy tales (antisemitic caricature) and didn’t examine it closely. It’s a mistake anyone could make,” we said. “She would probably do things differently now. After all, she word-of-god confirmed the vaguest hints she dropped that Dumbledore might be gay,” we said.) There was actually a span of several years where biases inherent in the actual real content of the Harry Potter series were coming to light and even the people pointing them out still seemed mostly to think it was an unfortunate accident.
That time has passed. Years ago! We are long past the first months of “maybe she doesn’t realize this seemingly-feminist tweet she liked was made by a noted TERF” and then “how could she not realize that these many veiled TERF-y things she’s retweeted have implications for the many queer fans of her work” and finally “oh wow okay JKR just dropped an entire transphobic manifesto on twitter. I guess the transphobia was the point.”
Yeah, there were a few months after that where people were still processing and still working through how they felt about Harry Potter and all of its flaws with the context of the now open transphobia of the creator. I was there for that. Remember how I was one of the kids who built it up into something noble and worthwhile based on my own beliefs about what messages it was probably trying to convey? Turns out it wasn’t trying to say any of those things, and when you take the time to examine all of the terrible shit that made its way into the text whether JKR intended it to be there or not, the whole series falls apart. It’s weird to discover that there’s a room in your house that’s rotten to the core, but eventually you figure out you can’t live like that, still going in there and holding your nose and pretending it’s still the same room you thought it was when the termites were only inside of the walls and hadn’t yet started chewing their way through the furniture. Because what’s going to happen is that they are going to infest the rest of your house. If you decide you can ignore transphobia and antisemitism and everything else just because you liked the color of the wallpaper, the rest of your principles are going to crumble too. You get rid of that fucking room. You put those books on a high shelf in the back of your closet behind other outgrown clothes and interests and you move the fuck on.
JKR uses the money made from her transphobic antisemitic children’s books to actively funding hate groups and to lobby for legislation that will and has actually affected the actual lives of trans people in an entire country. We are past the point of grieving something you were wrong about in childhood. Kids are wrong about a lot of stuff. You grow up and you learn new information and you change your behaviors based on it. You have to choose. It is transphobic to pretend there is not transphobia where there is. It is transphobic to support the work of someone who is using those funds to take rights from trans people with every fucking dollar. It is hateful to continue to engage positively with a story that at its very core is rooted in hate and bigotry and prejudice. You can choose to do all of those things but you cannot claim ignorance of them and you cannot choose those things and still pretend that choosing them upholds the values we convinced ourselves that Harry Potter stood for over a decade ago as uninformed children. You cannot choose to do those things and pretend to still support your trans and queer and Jewish neighbors. I do not want you in my neighborhood. Leave.
#mine#Harry potter cw#yeah I don’t want to see or think about this shit either and I’m sure most of my followers are on the same page of just like. let’s wipe it#from the public consciousness and do our best to just completely ignore it and forget it existed and in doing so take away JKRs platform and#influence and also stop the continued harm the series will do by propagated hateful biases in people who continue to read it#but despite heavily culling my feed over the course of the past several years and thankfully mostly not seeing HP fandom things anymore#I’ve been seeing a lot of responses today to people defending it and honestly I forget that there are still people out there doing that who#think they are just fine and normal fandom people with non-hateful and terrible interests and it makes me so angry#maybe more so because like. I was there too! I was annoyingly obsessed with Harry Potter from the ages of idk seven? up until whenever JKR#started being openly transphobic. I have so much fucking knowledge about this book series that will never leave my brain. and yeah it was#weird and hard to have to rethink things and realize that no actually it does feel bad and uncomfortable to continue to be a fan even#passively of these books. it was a big part of my childhood and several of my friendships. I fully get it. I was the weird kid also.#it was weird and hard to say oh actually this sucks and I don’t want to be a part of it anymore. but I did it! I got there! because it was#more important to care about real actual things and people than it is to fondly remember a book series for children.#and at the time it felt like maybe I did hang on a little longer than I could have and was a little later than some people and figuring out#my feelings and moving on from the whole thing. but it was still fucking years ago. and you’re still here?#because you like the color of the wallpaper in this shitty rotten broken down tacked on room? because we used to spend time there together?#buddy the room was giving us lead poisoning the whole time and the rest of us have accepted that and we are all outside doing other things.#you will find connection and community in so many places in your life. I promise. get the fuck out of that terrible awful room#and for gods sake stop bring out handfuls of mold you found under the floorboards and shoving it in our faces#nobody fucking wants this. we did it. we’re done.#so yeah I think I have an extra level of disdain because I know from personal experience that it’s not *that* fucking hard to care more#about real life trans people than about antisemitic children’s books.
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*through clenched teeth* people are allowed to dislike things I like, people are allowed to dislike things I like, people are allowed to dislike things I like, people-
#trist.txt#It’s about soulmate aus this time#I love soulmate AUs. Because I’m aroace. Also I just think it’s neat#I know other people find it boring/uncomfortable/straigh up terrifying but ughhh#It’s so good to me it’s like the only fluff I like!!#And they’re not doing anything by disliking it it just makes my brain Feel Bad. Y’all are fine this is a me thing
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the way people refuse to tag ocd triggers is insane
#''sorry if it makes you uncomfortable but it's important and you're a bad person for not wanting to see it uwu''#yeah but you get to go home at the end of the post. i am stuck i moral discourse brain hell for the next day; week; month; lifetime#it's a trigger. fucking tag it#fish babblings#rwp#ableism#and telling me i'm a bad person just reinforces the ocd btw. that's like the definition of scrupulosity
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and now that i have potentially fully stuck my foot in my mouth and dug the world's deepest pit for myself, i will go log off and hide and maybe come back tomorrow bc im scared i will make ppl uncomfortable now if i interact w them fhdsgjkl
#the o.cd brain is... really bad tonight#''if u sound apologetic then ur suspicious. same for if u sound neutral/light-hearted/defensive/sarcastic/irritated/confused/worried/etc''#''u are a bad person no matter what u do and u need to delete ur account bc everyone hates u now bc u make everyone uncomfortable''#''also u need to stop typing this out right here bc this is going to look like fishing for pity or making excuses for your EVIL behaviour''#''also don't use your o.cd as a cover-up for how EVIL you are. the fact that ur mentioning it at all is clearly a cover-up !!!''#''and typing this shit right here is OBVIOUSLY a cover-up for the rot inside of you you terrible person! u are now Definitely evil!''#there is no winning unless i shut up but even that feels like an admission of wrong-doing or something stupid like that 😭#dandy.cmd#vent //
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hey if jax didnt want me to pick him up by his stupid slutty little ankle and smack him against the nearest wall maybe his skinny ass shoulda considered being less swingable :U
#im having a meltdown i think#tadc#tadc jax#literally it wasn't this bad earlier#i just. went thru the tag and#he wriggled into my brain#putting this fucker in the microwave#seeing if he pops#my ship for him is uhh#jax x situations hes uncomfortable in
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I wish cc!BBH would stop triggering my anxiety ridden paranoid ass with him not treating his injuries properly /hj
#qsmp#bbh#badboyhalo#i put /hj bc like he is a grown ass man i trust that he'll prob go if it gets serious but I'm also a chronic overthinker and have very bad#anxiety so my brain just conjures up the worst case scenario#also i just have general medical anxiety and just the idea of his wounds being infected make me very uncomfortable#idk how to tag this bro i just needed to get this out
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the urge to text him at 2am and tell him i love him nd then kill myself bcz im scared of his reaction
#stg i did not sign up for the internalised homophobia this crush has brought me#for so long i “had no internalised homophobia bcz it felt so natural and was never rlly portrayed as a bad thing” or whatever#but suddenly this happens and the moment i think of him in any way my brains like#“kys u fucking fag stop being a perv he probably knows nd is def uncomfortable as hell just be normal ffs”#LIKE BRO I DID NOT SIGN UP FOR THIS#I THOUGHT ID BEEN SPARED#AT LEAST WHEN IT CAME TO SEXUALITY (genders its own thing)#BUT NO MY BRAIN IG SAW HOW MY BLORBOS REACTED TO THIS STUFF IN FANFIC AND UNIRONICALLY COPIED IT OR WHAYEVER#he’s literally gay too but i still feel gross as hell abt it yk#like when he IDed as aroace it made a bit of sense for me to feel like that but he’s literally into men yk-#idk i can’t fully explain it#ryan shut the fuck up
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sometimes i forget that being depressed isn't normal honestly
#bambi's rambling#i mean like it's normal for me and has been for years#possibly always#like i remember crying myself to sleep and thinking no one loved me at like age five#i just didn't really understand the concept until like. fifteen or sixteen i think#at one point i looked up an online 'are you depressed' quiz#even before my mom put me in therapy cause she was concerned#but it said i had 'mild depression' so i was like oh well that doesn't really count obviously#(the ironic part was that it was the same test that the therapist used to see if i was depressed. so apparently it was legitimate)#but like i dont know how not to be depressed#i know its getting worse lately but like. what do i do about that#i'm so horrendously uncomfortable talking about this kind of thing even in online settings#like there's a 50/50 change imma delete this instead of posting it it's that bad#prolly gonna delete this even if i do post it#how am i supposed to get help when i can't even ask for it. that kinda thing#not like it matters all that much anyway lmao#it's just my brain being stupid like normal#vent#tw vent#tw depression#tw mental illness#cw depression#cw mental health
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also i have to say there's smth consistently eye-rolly about the idea of going "oh you can't blame me for leaving her there !! i thought they were good people !! i didn't think they would do anything bad to her !!! that's why i left her there i thought she was safe !!!" as if "they" even broke that trust. according to literally all accounts the incident in question happened before you left and nothing progressed further after you were gone. accusing "them" of being horrible nasty people when again, the only wrongdoing alleged at all was on the part of one of them ???? like you can just say that while drunk you didn't make the right judgement call and once you woke up sober you checked in with your friend because thinking back you were worried abt her comfort levels without crying wolf about how you simultaneously "thought they were good safe people" and they took advantage of that after you left (by doing nothing after you left, because the whole incident being described here happened with you in the room) and also knew she was uncomfortable which is why you checked on her immediately (which is somehow being used to blame two people who had zero access to the texts asking her if she was comfortable at all and therefore made the assumptions that she was comfortable based on what they themselves saw)
#like no one took advantage of your trust after you left the whole thing did in fact happen while you were in the room#if they /were/ the monsters you feel like painting them as then yeah it would've been really bad for you to leave her in that environment !#but uh things literally never progressed further than they did while you were in the room#like at first i thought you didn't know the same way dr eam apparently didn't know#but no the narrative now is apparently that you knew ? but didn't do anything? and assumed she was okay? but that she was uncomfortable?#or whatever?#which is like. cool you can just say that your drunk brain didn't really ring the alarm bells as much as they shouldve#when you apparently noticed in the moment that she looked uncomfortable and didn't do anything#that doesn't change anything abt what discomfort other people might have perceived as Not Her Best Friend#and that also doesn't mean that you were somehow betrayed bc you trusted them not to be terrible people when you left her there#bc . nothing. in fact. happened . after you left her there.#and the whole 'incident' being described in this whole situation happened WITH YOU RIGHT THERE .#anyway excuse my frustration
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yknow i noticed the small steps method doesn't help me and only stresses me out more. and like i just get stuck on the first step anyway and never move on to the next one, i'll probably even go back to the start eventually really. i'm apparently an all or nothing guy i can't think of an action as multiple actions bc it stresses me out i just need to either do it or not. the problem is i usually end up not
#i talked to my social worker abt this today#bc like he said that in order to have an easier time going outside i need to do it often enough to get used to it#but for me it's like. i go outside when i need to. yknow?#(days where my anxiety is painfully debilitating don't count lol)#i'm gonna be uncomfortable anyway. bc being outside is inherently unpleasant for me. it's not smth i can get used to#i compared this to going to the dentist. you do it bc you have to but you won't go just to get used to it yknow?#so my thought process is. i'm gonna have to start going outside every day soon for the art program. so i'm just gonna do it#i took a bus one time with my mentor/guide(??) to see that i can do it and i did. so i broke the barrier kinda#but it's not like i'm just gonna take the bus for fun?? i'll get used to it as i do it. i think. like i was before. hopefully#idk it feels pretty obvious to me but it baffled him i think 😭#both of them offered to just go downstairs with me. sit at the lobby of my building or smth#but it feels silly to me like. if i'm getting dressed i may as well go do smth yknow??#idk. again it makes a lot of sense to me but i don't think they get it#i think i'm generally very odd when it comes to other ppl in this recovery program 😭😭 just like i was in that social anxiety support group#(aka everyone went there for stage fright which isn't an issue for me i like being on a stage. hate one on one conversations tho -#- which was comfortable for them. so this was. well. the first step!!! in a lot of its sessions. and it just made me feel bad)#anyway that was my ramble. sorry. my brain is weird
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Transformers should come with a warning. Everytime I see a NASA post on my blog about Europa the Jupiter Moon, I instantaneously associate it with that one Transformers fanfic where the decepticons decided to do a deep dive into Europa to go talk to the aliens there.
#It was a good fic but it made me uncomfortable through a good 75% of it and now I associate the jupiter moon with bad feelings lmao#Transformers#It was a poly Starscream x Soundwave x Megatron fic#Really well written#Permanently rewired my brain ngl
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