#bpdvent

[lieblichermond]

i will never forget anything people ever did to me. i get flashbacks too many times. sometimes i realize how badly i got treated my whole life. how my brain tries to make me forget and then i remember. and it hits me. every single time.

[actuallymagsdump]

[diaryofabpdgirlie]

Being alone in a world is hard when you didn’t even ask to be here. I necessarily don't care about dying but when they say living is hard do they just mean hard on the mind? Life is hard no matter where and how you look at it. It’s hard on the body, mind and soul and the heaviness that comes with it is a different kind of hard. Like such a hardness that you can’t explain but knows exactly how it feels like but when asked to describe it a simple “i don't know” comes out of your mouth instead of describing the monster that keeps wanting to tag along because sometimes we don't want to describe what the monster looks like because then it looks more and more like you. But if you’re not the monster then who is?

Trying to be happy sometimes feels more out of reach than being happy. Are we wanting to be happy or just at peace? Peace also feels out of reach. Like does peace mean stillness of the mind or heart or just even wavelengths to be open to emotions and your surroundings? Peace means stillness and I am not sure if stillness is what I want because sometimes in order to grow we need moments of sadness and anger and boredom and everything else that comes with this life. If I am trying to be happy does that mean I don't believe that peace and happiness go hand in hand and if they do why can’t I see them as a pair rather than one or the other.

I know what I want for myself or at least I am convinced I know what I want for myself. Financial freedom feels like the only thing I am missing from being happy but yet money doesn’t buy happiness right? Yet, if it did, why does life seem easier? Easier in the sense if something happens to myself that I don't have to worry about most things I’d have to think of right here right now. Crash sena’s car? I can pay for the deductible but I can’t. I barely can keep money in my pocket but that is something I can change but willingly don't.

When will I ever see that tomorrow sometimes is promised and preparing for a next day is actually normal instead of thinking damn, I can’t believe I made it this far as if I cheated death when in reality I am owed a lifetime.

Time to really sit myself down and have some uncomfortable conversations with myself. No one saved me t it’s time to save myself. Cinderella or not, I deserve to have a ball.

[miss-dark-universe]

This dating thing is making my bpd very annoying. Why can't I go through normal stages of meeting people? why tf do i have to idolise them then split the second i feel a text is in a slight different tone or they take longer to reply? I hate it!!!!!

[leo-aleksander-ryan]

bpd zine-- an exploration of mental illness, religion, and how trauma creates a cycle of repentance

contact me if you’d like to order a copy! can be sent digitally ($3) or in the mail (with a handstitched spine in the color of your choice, $8). if you’d like to “sample read” some excerpts before ordering, also cool :))

[parasiticwormsoup]

youre the only one who makes my day feel worth it. you're the reason I'm still alive. how do you not feel happy my life is in your hands. I'm the only one who have. I will support you from thick and thin. how the fuck do I still come off looking whiny and clingy in our relationship if I don't even show this side of myself to you. I'm constantly masking. I'm showing I'm okay. I let you know I'm suicidal and yet you ignore me. I know you have a life but I'm so lonely. I'm so lonely. and I'm so broken.

[naslovesearlgrey]

if i am confusing to you

imagine how lost i am

[bpdshitvent]

I can’t believe it happened again

I fucking got abandoned again I knew it I so fucking knew it why am i so fucking disposable

[himero-love]

“how could you not know something was wrong earlier??”

*tells me that they worship me & love me so deeply* *chooses furniture & house decor with me the day before our breakup & lets me place a $300 order for our shared room* *agrees that we should “stay strong, focus on our love together as a team” against a potentially scary law situation* *talked about saving up enough money to go to julian or big bear together & that i had to “just listen to them abt money decisions & we can go :)” the day before they broke up with me* *not tell me that them going to the psych ward was dependent on me* *talks about how stable our relationship had grown to be* *invites me to join them for christmas AGAIN THE DAY BEFORE*

& they kept asking me why i couldn’t see it coming & couldn’t accept it so easily. they hid their hurt from me months past AND BROKE MY TRUST MONTHS AGO AND I TRIED SO HARD TO REGAIN IT IN THEM BECAUSE THEY SAID EVERYTHING WAS OKAY ONLY TO BLAME IT BACK ON ME. THEY SAID THEY WOULDNT TURN THEIR WORDS ON ME AND MADE A PROMISE THEY WOULDNT AND THEN THEY LITERALLY DID. WHEN I MADE SURE TO MAKE IT CLEAR TO THEM & TOLD MY CLOSE OTHERS SO THEY COULD KEEP AN EYE ON HOW THINGS PLAYED OUT & THEY SAID THEY WOULDNT PUT IT ON ME AND THEY DID. THEY TOLD ME I WAS THE MANIPULATIVE ONE.

I’m not even sad right now, or angry or ANYTHING, but god will i remember that it’s a testament to my strength & how GODDAMN hard I’ve worked that I’m okay. I let someone who gaslit me into my life so deeply, into my friends’ and family & house & holidays & outings. After all this emotional abuse & toil, after countless hurt, after a broken ass car & having to haul THEIR belongings & furniture out for their dad- they didn’t have the guts to get it their damn self- after their lies & being evicted with the deadline on last christmas, after multiple times at a psych ward/crisis center WHERE THEY RELIED ON ME & CALLED ME ONLY TO FUCK ME OVER THE FOLLOWING DAYS WHEN THEY COME BACK, may i never forget that i’m enough. that my life was worth so much more than this. that this hurt and grief cannot be the sum of my being, that i deserved joy & trust & love. that my body’s betrayal and trauma to please be released so i can be happy in this only home that i have for certain. may i never stop loving myself even when it’s hard. i don’t even know what that would be like anymore. but i’m trying hard to learn.

when i die, may i be full of joy and light. please

[sxdbxtchygxth]

I might kill myself lol x

[lieblichermond]

i'm such a love person. i was made for love i have so much love to give. but why, why am i so fucking difficult. it's not fair. just let me give my love in peace.

[akaademy]

literally one wrong word or move can make me hate you and ignore you for weeks until i change my mind and come back maybe im better off without everyone

[buggi]

hey man at this rate someone needs to Old Yeller my ass

[kdipshit]

The gap in my life that is my teenage years haunts me. I’m sad I’m not connected, I have a feeling I may have come into this body when I attempted suicide, I died, and came back a different person. 18 year old me, how are you? Where are you? Lost in the ocean trying to find my way home, the tide has pulled me into the golden beaches of Australia, but my body rests in peace at home, in Aotearoa. I arrived in australia shocked just like my first time, I felt new, I felt different, I felt happy, I felt alive, but empty. A soulless creature roaming the streets, 18 in bali… single, my ex has gone. And he won’t be coming back.

Well he’ll come back a few times actually over the course of a few years, and then he’s gone. He’s gone.

10 days until our 10 year anniversary, the date… it’s creeping up on me and my subconscious is trying not to flip the table holds everything together. I will be stronger than last time.

[leo-aleksander-ryan]

family is such an weird concept

at least, blood family.  I love you, but I only want parts of you i love you but i didn’t want you

I love you but i think i would love freedom more

i love you but

I loved freedom more.

i love you because blood is love i do not know your blood type i do not know my own

I love you because you are part of me I love you because i hate myself.

I love you because you are my mom I love you because you are what I am going to become

If girlhood is a begging to be believed, then

our home is neverland I do not know how to age in a place that requires me to love you

i love you because i love blood.  I love you because i want you to bleed for this family.

outpour what we put into you. 

let us go.

[parasiticwormsoup]

if I slit my wrists more and showed you them would you be by my side more. would you regret all the times you ignored me. I would do it. it would show me you cared