#both the best and worst way to deliver this line. as hilarious as it is horrifying

[sea-buns]

bro just got mutilated by an unknowable behemoth yet the self-censored soft southern drawl remains

[thisurlwasnttakenbutnowitis]

Every Epic Rap Battle of History Ranked, Part 2

Part 1

57. Genghis Khan vs Easter Bunny

Winner: Easter Bunny

Best line: "The Great Wall couldn't keep you out of China. Watch me rub my foot for luck and stick it right up your vagina!"

Okay, okay, this is probably higher than it has any right to be, but damn it, I just love this pairing. You have a historical warlord famous for his brutality battling with a peaceful holiday icon for kids and I think the contrast is hilarious. It's nothing spectacular, but this has to be my favorite of season 1's "two completely random characters with no relation" battles.

56. Wonder Woman vs Stevie Wonder

Winner: Wonder Woman

Best line: "My rhymes are signed, sealed, and delivered on time. You're a bald has-been, I'm in my Amazon Prime!"

While I was always aware of Stevie Wonder's music, this battle actually made me look into it and appreciate it more. I love the touch of how Stevie's music style in this is a mix of his own as well as that of his actor, T-Pain. Also the quote above might just be one of my favorite lines in ERB history - I LOVE when a line can manage to mix in wordplay that relates to both rappers. Mwah, chef's kiss.

55. Master Chief vs Leonidas

Winner: Master Chief

Best line: "300 asses need a kickin'. Give more teebags than Lipton."

We're in the section of the list of good battles with nothing to really complain about, but also with nothing spectacular so there's not really much to say. I'm not a Halo guy so some of the references went over my head - I didn't get "You're the solider they need you to be" until looking it up just now, and yeah, that's a pretty funny line that I didn't appreciate when I was younger. It was also a good call to have Lloyd still be the voice of Leonidas but cast an actual muscular man to be the body actor; we definitely didn't need another Hulk Hogan muscle suit situation.

54. Goku vs Superman 

Winner: Goku

Best line: "There's only one way that this battle's gonna end: One more Superman who's never gonna walk again."

Ray William Johnson was a great casting choice for Goku; he brings a lively and memorable performance to the show. Although I didn't think Goku was quite so angry? Idk, I'm also not a Dragon Ball guy (forgive me for being such an uncultured swine and not knowing a lot of these series). Lloyd's Superman is pretty basic by comparison; it gets the job done, but it's like Sinatra vs Mercury where it gets overshadowed hard by the other performer.

53. Barack Obama vs Mitt Romney

Winner: Mitt Romney

Best line: "Republicans need a puppet and you fit. Got their hand so far up your rear, call you Mitt."

Man, remember when we thought Mitt Romney was the worst the Republican party could throw at us? Simpler times, man. Simpler times. This battle is the most-viewed in ERB history, which I think is kinda weird since I feel like people were way more into the 2016 and 2020 elections overall. But this was also the first election battle, and when ERB was still a relatively new series, so maybe it was the novelty of it at the time. Or maybe because Obama and Romney were both more well-liked than Trump, Clinton, and Biden. I dunno, I'm getting off-track here.

I thought for years that this battle was pretty well-balanced in terms of not showing favoritism to one side, though I thought Romney's line "I'm not gonna let this battle be dictated by facts" was a pretty biased writing choice. But it turns out that that's almost a direct quote from Romney himself, so uhh. I also love how both opponents break down into slinging childish insults at each other by the end, it really goes to show that it's not glorifying either candidate. And that's proven true by the iconic scene of Abe Lincoln coming down and bitchslapping them both. Classic.

The real Obama is known to have seen this battle too and apparently liked it given that he invited Peter and the actor who played Obama here to the White House, so that's neat.

52. John Wick vs John Rambo vs John McClane

Winner: John McClane

Best line: "And lighten up, Wick, with your brooding saga. How 'bout a little hakuna matata, Baba Yaga?"

This is the first and so far only battle that's a three-way fight from the start, so that really ensures that all three characters are given ample time to all diss each other. I like it! The highlight here is definitely Lloyd's McClane, he's a delight to watch, and he perfectly captures how McClane is the lighthearted everyman of the group. Zach's John Wick is no slouch either, capturing the cool seriousness of the character. Where this battle falls flat though, and the only reason it's not in A, is Peter's Rambo. It's trying to be funny and it's just… not really funny. It's the kind of Sylvester Stallone impression that would get a chuckle out of you if your high school friend did it in the halls, but it just feels out of place in a professional production like this.

I love the subtle ways the backing track changes between characters too, with McClane getting some sleigh bells added in for his part, Wick getting a deep synth noise, and Rambo getting some somber strings. Really nice stuff.

51. Artists vs TMNT 

Winner: TMNT

Best line: "Uh, Dona-tell me who you are again, dude, 'Cause I don't Gattamelata clue what you do."

My only complaint about this battle is that it's just too damn short. This would be a pretty short battle even by 1-on-1 standards, but when you have 8 separate characters, each one barely gets anything to say. But what's here is great. Rhett and Link and Smosh is a good pairing that gives a lot of energy to the artists, and the turtle suit that the team managed to make for the TMNT is great. When the only negative I can think of for a battle is that I wish there was more of it, you know it's a good battle.

A TIER

50. George Carlin vs Richard Pryor 

Winner: Joan Rivers

Best line: "Now there's seven words you can't say on a TV set. But this is the pissin' fuckin' cuntin' internet!"

I'm realizing now how much work this entire thing is given how much I've written so far and we're only just now cracking the top 50. Still not even halfway there, damn. But anyway, this is a great tribute to a whole bunch of legendary comedians. It's a whole lot of fun to watch, and every performer captures the larger-than-life personalities on display. Lloyd's Robin Williams is a particular highlight. The only downside is Bill Cosby's part, it's not really funny and kinda just kills the pace. But it's thankfully short so it's not enough to ruin it.

49. Mario Bros vs Wright Bros

Winner: Wright Bros

Best line: "You might fly like a hawk, but you fight like a kitty!"

This was the first guest appearance of Rhett and Link and also the first 2-on-2 battle, and I think it does a really good job. Mario and Luigi are played absolutely nothing like their actual characters, but it's so far off that it's honestly hilarious.

48. David Copperfield vs Harry Houdini 

Winner: David Copperfield 

Best line: "My grand illusions make your parlor tricks irrelevant. The foot of Lady Liberty is stomping on your elephant."

Now THIS is a magician vs magician battle that actually lives up to the idea visually, eat your heart out, Gandalf vs Dumbledore. While Houdini is definitely the more interesting person to watch in this battle with all of the stunts he performs while rapping, I can't help but like Peter's silky smooth Copperfield voice, it's gotta be one of my favorite voices he's done.

47. Eastern Philosophers vs Western Philosophers

Winner: Eastern Philosophers

Best line: "You tried to plant a new German psyche, but you just grew hate, me no Third Reichy!"

This is a very smartly-written battle, as it should be given the subject matter. Every philosopher gets a chance to sum up what they're all about, and the contrasts work perfectly - Lao Tzu's philosophy of letting life take you through its natural course vs Nietzsche saying you need to take control and fight for the life you want, and Confucius's teaching of respecting authority vs Voltaire's challenging of authority. …Socrates vs Sun Tzu doesn't really have a direct contrast like that, but hey, that's okay. You can tell a lot of research went into this one, and it's really worth looking into the meanings of the lyrics because some of it will definitely go over your head if you're not super into philosophy.

46. Blackbeard vs Al Capone

Winner: Al Capone

Best line: "You spent time in Alcatraz, I'm sure you were fine, if you dropped the soap as little as you drop dope rhymes."

Both Peter and Lloyd were clearly having fun with this one, they're both in their element when they're playing characters with big personalities and fun voices to imitate. The lyrics are great and dense too; this was the first battle of season 3 besides Vader vs Hitler 3, and I think season 3 is really when the series started hitting its stride with rappers' verses becoming longer and more packed with deeper meanings.

I only have two minor criticisms with this battle - first, Blackbeard's beard looks way too nice and clean, and it's especially apparent when Capone has a line about how dirty it is. Second, this video was sponsored by Assassin's Creed IV, which is all well and good, but forcing in a line about Edward Kenway and having him physically appear in the background really destroys my suspension of disbelief and dates the video hardcore. But neither of these things are enough to ruin an otherwise very good battle.

45. Rick Grimes vs Walter White

Winner: Walter White 

Best line: "Ask Gus, you don't wanna face off against me."

Okay, so, confession time: I have not watched either of the shows that are represented in this battle (Breaking Bad is on my to-watch list though). And oops, this vid's got a lot of spoilers for both series. Ah well. Despite not knowing a whole lot about either universe, I still think this battle is a lot of fun to watch. I particularly love the detail of a zombie crossing into Walt's side and getting distracted by meth - touches like that to tie the worlds of the two rappers together are always a treat.

44. Darth Vader vs Hitler

Winner: Hitler

Best line: "You stink, Vader. Your style smells something sour. You need to wash up, dog. Here, step in my shower."

Here we go. While Lennon vs O'Reilly might have come first, I think we can all agree that this is the real start of ERB. This is what made the series into a viral sensation and it's not hard to see why. The novelty of seeing a historical figure battle his fictional equivalent in a rap battle of all things was something unseen up until that point, and it helps that the lyrics were incredibly clever to boot - in addition to the iconic quote above, who could forget "So many dudes been with your mom, who even knows if I'm your father". I'm sure Disney would like everyone to forget that the Stormtroopers were named after Hitler's troops, but this battle stands as an eternal reminder of that fact.

43. Mr. T vs Mr. Rogers

Winner: Mr. Rogers

Best line: "I'll say this once, Laurence. I hope it's understood: Get right back in your van and get the fuck out of my neighborhood."

Peter's acting here is pretty similar to how he portrayed Bob Ross, but his portrayal of Mr. Rogers easily wins in my mind for how much more savage the insults are. Even though Rogers definitely steals the show here, Mr. T also manages to be very entertaining. It's hilarious how he's screaming at Rogers the whole time while Rogers consistently keeps his cool while hurling passive-aggressive lines.

Also, whew! We're officially halfway done with this list!

42. Jacques Cousteau vs Steve Irwin

Winner: Steve Irwin

Best line: "I'm a wild man, you're a subdued sub dude. The only crocs you could handle are some slip-on shoes!"

This battle's an interesting role reversal - usually it's Lloyd portraying the grumpy character and Peter portraying the lively one. But it goes to show that the two of them have the acting chops to go either way. Especially Lloyd, he's really entertaining when he can let his silliness out. I love how in the part where Steve is pointing to Jacques and talking about him like he's a wild animal, you can tell Peter is holding in laughter.

41. Tony Hawk vs Wayne Gretzky

Winner: Wayne Gretzky

Best line: "You and I have so many world records between us. 184, that's plenty of 'em… and I set 183 of 'em!"

This is a very slept-on battle, being the lowest-viewed of any of the pre-hiatus battles (though 18 million views still certainly ain't bad). I still remember my first time watching this battle as someone who didn't really know anything about Wayne Gretzky aside from "he was a hockey player", my jaw fucking dropped at that world records line. Absolutely killer setup and execution.

40. Jack the Ripper vs Hannibal Lecter

Winner: Hannibal Lecter

Best line: "I don't mind that you're naughty, Jack. I hate that you're sloppy."

I can't imagine that this one was particularly easy to write for given the very little we know about Jack the Ripper. I was gonna say, "Oh this battle was made before we knew his true identity", but apparently it's still not really agreed upon who he really was and the mystery gets "solved" again and again every few years. Anyway, Lloyd is great as Hannibal, his faces and mannerisms are perfect, and Dan Bull provides an interesting interpretation of the type of person Jack may have been. I love that Jack spends his entire first verse purely hyping himself up and Hannibal calls him out on being a narcissist, it's something that kinda shocks you as a viewer cause it's something you probably don't even notice on the first viewing, and you're also not expecting the video itself to point it out. It really sells the "Hannibal is one step ahead" kind of vibe.

39. Vlad the Impaler vs Count Dracula

Winner: Vlad the Impaler

Best line: "Imagine forests of corpses dripping on a buffet. You call that a nightmare? I call that a Tuesday."

Vlad the Impaler is probably the single most cold, brutal character ERB has ever had, and Lloyd gets some truly bone-chilling line deliveries in as him. Peter's Dracula is great too, the whole thing of a killer with class being disgusted by a killer who's just trying to be vicious actually makes it quite similar to Jack the Ripper vs Hannibal now that I think about it.

38. Babe Ruth vs Lance Armstrong

Winner: Babe Ruth

Best line: "So c'mon, little buddy, don't look so pissed. With all that blood and attitude, you're like a menstrual cyclist."

Like Hawk vs Gretzky, this is another athlete vs athlete video, and you'd expect the odds to immediately be stacked against Armstrong by virtue of the fact that you have a known cheater going up against an athlete with integrity. But Armstrong actually manages to put up a damn good rebuttal, taking shots at Ruth's personal life instead. I still think Ruth won, but both rappers actually manage to knock it out of the park, pun entirely intended.

Also unrelated to the battle itself but I've always thought the face Lloyd makes in the thumbnail of this one makes him look like James Rolfe.

37. James Bond vs Austin Powers

Winner: James Bond (modern)

Best line: "After 24 films, I'm still reaching new heights. Your third movie died, guess you only live twice."

I've always kinda wondered why Peter was cast as Austin Powers in this, I think Lloyd looks a lot more like Mike Myers. I guess they didn't want to have a battle where Peter is completely excluded while Lloyd gets to play two characters. That being said, Peter does nail the Austin Powers impression, so it's all good. This battle's a really cool concept, a character rapping against their own parody version, and then an earlier version of the character comes in and disses on their modern version. The battle does basically cease to be about Austin Powers at that point, but I think it works because neither version of Bond considers him a serious opponent.

This battle is loaded with great lines too - in addition to the quote above, we also have "I'm licensed to kill, you couldn't get a learner's permit", "Spell my name, all the ladies wanna B on D, any sex appeal you might have is beyond me", "I only need one round, golden gun", and "I don't need a Q to break your balls". Brilliantly clever writing.

I will say that the background effects for modern Bond, while they definitely do look cool, are a bit too much to the point of being distracting. Maybe it was a deliberate choice to contrast with classic Bond though, as a way to convey that the modern Bond films are a lot more about flashy spectacle than the more grounded stories the early films had, I dunno. 

36. Mozart vs Skrillex

Winner: Skrillex

Best line: "I attack, you decay, can't sustain my releases! Sidechain, Wolfgang! Bangarang you to pieces!"

This battle is everything that Bieber vs Beethoven should have been - a battle between a modern musician and a classical one that actually gives the modern one a fighting chance. Plus it actually changes the background music to match the style of whoever's rapping! This battle is great, no real notes here. Mozart's line about "in two more months the world will forget about your Skrill-excrement" has aged pretty well too given how Skrillex's star has definitely faded since this video's release.

This battle is also notable for being the only one where a real person that was portrayed in an ERB has actually performed it themselves! Skrillex, obviously, not Mozart. The real Skrillex actually came out as a surprise guest appearance in a live performance of the song and helped Lloyd finish it out. I admit, I didn't really know what Skrillex actually looked like, but seeing him side-by-side with Lloyd in costume, yeah, the team nailed his look.

35. Ragnar Lodbrok vs Richard the Lionheart

Winner: Ragnar Lodbrok

Best line: "Your son killed your ex, your ex killed your wife. I'm the Lion King, man, but that's a messed-up circle of life."

This is what I love about ERB, man. I had never even heard of either of these historical figures before this battle, but I watched it, loved the song, got curious what all the lyrics meant, did research on both men, and then went back and rewatched the video with the new knowledge to catch all the references. ERB is truly at its best when it's making learning fun.

Interestingly, the reason this battle was even made in the first place was because the mobile game that sponsored it reached out to Peter and Lloyd and asked if they would make a battle between two of the historical figures in their game in exchange for the sponsorship. Given that the battle was effectively made as an ad for a mobile game, it's shocking how good it turned out. You'd really never know that's how it came to be just looking at the end product.

34. Darth Vader vs Hitler 2

Winner: Darth Vader

Best line: "Roar like Chewbacca, the voice of Mufasa, I'm on the leader of your limp-dicked Luftwaffe!"

And here we go, the second of the Vader vs Hitler trilogy is easily the best one. I feel like it struck the perfect balance - it was bigger and more epic than the first while not feeling fatigued on the idea like the third. Season 2 kicked off with this and you could immediately tell the jump in production quality from season 1. This video had an intro and everything, continuing off from Hitler being frozen in carbonite from the first battle. It's great, what else can I say?

33. Cleopatra vs Marilyn Monroe

Winner: Marilyn Monroe 

Best line: "You still got no children after your third marriage. You lost so many babies, we should call you Miss Carriage!"

This was the first battle where neither Peter nor Lloyd play one of the rappers, even though it is not the first female-on-female battle (but we don't talk about Gaga vs Palin). But both performers do a stellar job; I love how Marilyn's demeanor goes from the giggling flirtiness we know her for to becoming increasingly pissed off and hysterical as Cleopatra hurls more and more insults at her (Marilyn's "Translate this into hieroglyphs: Your sandy vagina has a seven-year itch" would have won best line were it not for the sheer brutality of the Miss Carriage line). And getting a professional dancer to portray Cleopatra was a great choice; she's still one of the most visually interesting rappers to have ever been on the series. And no, I don't just mean that in an ogling way.

Also, I think this is the only battle where the same person starts it and closes it out? Which does lead to Cleopatra feeling like she doesn't get as much screen time, but it's certainly not a dealbreaker.

32. Moses vs Santa Claus

Winner: Moses

Best line: "It takes nine reindeers to haul your fat ass. You took the Christ out of Christmas and just added more mass."

This battle was definitely meant to be a stand-in for Jesus vs Santa; that was the matchup we all really wanted to see. But someone somewhere must have gotten cold feet about dissing a figure that millions worship, so Jesus got swapped out for someone Jesus-adjacent. Hey, I'm a Christian, and I know I still would have found a Jesus rap battle hilarious.

But whatever, even though it's not exactly what we wanted, what we did get was still great. The fact that they actually managed to get motherfucking Snoop Dogg as a guest star because he happened to be using the same studio as ERB at the time still blows my mind; I don't think any guest star is ever gonna top that. And they certainly had some fun with having him on board - I love that they managed to make jokes referencing him while still being appropriate for Moses, like "smoking all that burning bush", or "so much drama in the IsraeL B.C.". This is a battle that just always puts a smile on my face.

31. Nikola Tesla vs Thomas Edison

Winner: Nikola Tesla

Best line: "I don't alternate my flow, I diss you directly!"

I love how this battle really leans into how we now perceive Tesla and Edison, with Tesla being a hero for the people and Edison as the greedy villain who kept him down. Good stuff. Don't really have a whole lot to say about this one, it's just a good battle with two very memorable personalities, and Peter's Tesla voice is very pleasant to listen to. And of course, the electric synth in the background track was a must.

30. JRR Tolkien vs George RR Martin

Winner: George RR Martin 

Best line: "All your bad guys die and your good guys survive. We can tell what's gonna happen by page and age five!"

All right, so, I ain't the most well-versed in the fantasy genre, but I still really like this one. The underlying argument between the two men here is something I've seen time and time again on the internet - "happy endings are boring and predictable" versus "eschewing happy endings just for the sake of it isn't automatically good". It makes for good battle fodder. Also I just love Lloyd's performance here - it's so loud and boisterous, and his "No he didn't!" is A+.

Okay folks, click here for the third and final part as we rank the best of the best!

[ciaossu-imagines]

Okay, but I swear IkeRev was made for polyshipping because there is no shortage of amazing polyships in this fandom! I didn’t even enter ships in the wheel this time but let the wheel pick two characters at random and ended up with a polyship I hadn’t really thought about but ended up loving after writing it! Using the same prompt, I hope you gorgeous readers enjoy being the cream in the middle of a Clemence brother sandwich!!

Who accidentally pushes a door instead of pulling/vice versa?

Jonah occasionally does it but please, dear god, please don’t mention it when he does because he will pout and sulk harder than anyone you have ever met. And definitely don’t let Luka mention it and don’t mention it to his brother if Luka does it. Just pretend it never happened or this man will be honestly so flustered and upset.

Who doodles little hearts all over the desk with their initials inside them?

Both Luka and Jonah would carve their own initials and yours into a tree…probably even the same tree. One on the Clemence family property. Bonus here, but Luka, if Jonah’s done it first, cuts out that chunk of tree but only when you’re not looking and pretends to be innocent if it’s mentioned.

Who starts the tickle fights?

You would have to. I feel like both men would find it adorable if you were ticklish but Jonah’s a bit too gentlemanly to tickle you and Luka’s a bit too flustered by showing that much physical affection out of the blue and worries that you wouldn’t like being tickled. He sure didn’t when Jonah would tickle him during their childhoods to get his way in any arguments the brothers had as kids.

Who starts the pillow fights?

Jonah loves pillow-fights but is terrible at them. If you start it, he will pretend it’s childish and not proper but like, ten seconds later, he’s totally participating and smiling. Luka is the pillow-fight champ though. He never starts them, but he definitely wins them. The aim that man has is top fucking notch.

Who falls asleep last, watching the other with a small affectionate smile?

I feel like this would switch quite often. Sometimes, the boys just had rough days and are all tired out and fall asleep so easily that you’re the last one awake. With how angelic and soft their features are normally, it’s absolutely breath-taking to see thick eyelashes against their cheeks, to see pillowy lips just slightly open…it’s just a gorgeous sight and it’s a crime not to admire it. If you do end up falling asleep before them though, I do feel they would both take the time to just watch you. Luka only does it very briefly and then would, if he was going to bed, crawl in beside you and get comfortable, taking in your scent and the warmth of having you next to him in bed. Jonah would linger longer and would be the one to make sure the covers were snug on you and that you looked comfortable before getting himself ready for bed.

Who mistakes salt for sugar?

It’s you. Jonah actually eats a lot of sugar and can spot the difference between the two easily. I can’t even explain how he can, but he can. Being the cook of the two, Luka just knows where each is kept, having organized the kitchen, and would taste test to make sure if the kitchen ever did get disorganized.

Who lets the microwave play the loud beeping sound at 1 a.m. in the morning?

Okay, assuming Cradle had microwaves, I don’t actually feel either man would do this. Jonah tends to eat sweets when he gets midnight cravings and Luka doesn’t eat late at night. It would have to be you and neither of them would exactly appreciate you doing that, just letting you know.

Who comes up with cheesy pick-up lines?

Fuck, don’t let Fenrir or Edgar around Luka when he’s trying to figure out how best to romance you because they will lead him astray because both would find it hilarious and would definitely spy on the two of you later just to see Luka deliver the absolute worst, most cringiest pick-up lines so sincerely. Jonah is perfectly confident, however, that he doesn’t need pick-up lines to win your heart…but do you think they make pick-up lines that work on winning back your brother’s favour? Because those? Those he would be quite interested in.

Who rearranges the bookshelf in alphabetical order?

I don’t feel like either of the Clemence boys are that particular about how things are ordered, at least when it comes to things like a bookshelf being in alphabetical order. Luka is very finicky about the kitchen layout and organization, but that’s just because he does cook so often and it’s laid out to be easy for him to find what he needs quickly while Jonah only cares that things are neat, clean, and aesthetically pleasing. I feel like he’d almost embrace the rainbow bookshelf organization than he would alphabetical, leaving this to be you or nobody.

Who licks the spoon when they’re baking brownies?

Jonah wants to be the one to get the spoon so badly, especially if it’s Luka baking but he’ll never outright ask for it, opting instead for blushing and puppy dog eyes. If you offer it to him though, and it is Luka cooking, be prepared for that salty bitch to throw the spoon into the dishwater before letting his brother have it.

Who buys candles for dinners even though there’s no special occasion?

This is definitely on brand for Jonah’s personal ideas regarding romance. And what do you mean, what’s the special occasion? Every night spent with you is special in Jonah’s world. And yes, he would seriously say that with a straight face.

Who draws little tattoos on the other with a pen?

I’ve mentioned before but Jonah is not into tattoos. They’d have to be something he’d have to learn to love, mostly because they’re a part of you, if you have them and he definitely doesn’t want ink on his skin, even if it is temporary. Luka doesn’t really get the idea of temporary tattoos, though he’s more open-minded than his brother when it comes to the idea of tattoos in general. He’d sit and let you draw on him if you really wanted him too, but you’d be better off finding someone else to be your canvas or artist if you wanted tattoos drawn on or to decorate someone else.

Who comes home with a new souvenir magnet every time they go on vacation?

Both brothers were kind of raised with gifts and things replacing actual affection so it’s not too much of a surprise to find out that they both kind of default into buying you gifts or souvenirs as a way of showing their love or of remembering important occasions like trips taken together.

Who convinces the other to fill out those couple surveys in the back of magazines?

Luka would be confused by those quizzes at first but would take them if you seemed interested…but then the poor boy would definitely overthink any results from the survey or quiz. And family resemblance time because Jonah lives for those quizzes and definitely overthinks the results as well.

[newmusickarl]

Top 50 Albums of 2023: #20-11

20. A Kiss For The Whole World by Enter Shikari

If there’s one band that has soundtracked my 2023 more than any other, it’s St Albans’ finest Enter Shikari. Not just because this album is far and away my most played of 2023 but also because back in May, I decided to rank every single Enter Shikari song from worst to best – an article that is sadly now lost in the ether. As a result of that mammoth undertaking, they were by far my most played artist of 2023. Therefore, I couldn’t think of a better way to kick off the big Top 20 than with A Kiss For The Whole World, an album that also earned Britain’s most underrated band their first ever number one album on the UK charts earlier this year.

The last we heard from the Shikari boys before this year, it was at the height of lockdown when they were found revelling in the abyss on their most ambitious outing to date - Nothing Is True & Everything Is Possible. Now with A Kiss For The Whole World, the band re-emerged from those depths, this time filled with hope, positivity and gratitude. There’s a sense of optimism in the songs here, with the band also referencing their previous work multiple times (“You’re still standing like a statue” on the title track, “Wish I was back at the Dreamer’s Hotel” on Jailbreak and “I went to live outside to find myself” on Giant Pacific Octopus to name just a few easter eggs).

It presents an interesting dynamic at the heart of the record, almost like the band know how dire the world is right now, but on the flip side they are just so grateful for their fans and the career that they’ve been able to have until now. With these contrasting emotions driving forward the writing, it all makes for a thrilling 30-minute listen that’s impactful yet joyous, and also plays out like a love letter to their fans.

Best tracks: Bloodshot/Bloodshot Coda, Jailbreak, A Kiss For The Whole World

Listen here

19. Here Come The Early Nights by Spector

There is simply nothing better than one of your favourite bands pulling out all the stops and turning in one of their best records to date. I’m pleased to say, that’s exactly what Fred MacPherson and Jed Cullen did this November, as the duo that now make up Spector delivered a record that is both equally poetic and anthemic.

Frontman Fred MacPherson has always had a distinctly unique way with words, with his sharp, witty lyrics making him one of my all-time favourite songwriters. Fourth album Here Come The Early Nights finds him in a particularly reflective mood, contemplating heartbreak, aging, political pressures and the metaphorical party coming to an end. With longtime friend and collaborator Dev Hynes (Blood Orange/Lightspeed Champion) also adding further weight to the songwriting and instrumentation at points, it’s simply an outstanding collection of songs.

The Notion is one of their best songs to date, centred on a great central guitar riff with intricate lines like “What happens after the afters?” Single Driving Home For Halloween is also jam-packed with cutting lyrics, with my personal favourite: “Been a minute since we shot the shit but I assure you I’m still full of it.” Following the horn-tastic Never Have Before, things get a bit grungier on Not Another Weekend which boasts the most hilarious lyric of the whole album: “Fear and Loathing in Leo Valley, Shaun Williamson’s Mustang Sally.” Big up Barry From Eastenders!

Despite all these great moments in the first half, it’s the final three tracks that are probably my favourites. Room With A Different View just has an instant timelessness about it, the title track is just a beautifully melancholic look at hedonistic days gone by and then All the World is Changing is a triumphant, New Order-inspired finale with its chugging, Peter Hook-esque bassline.

Had this record come out a month or two earlier so I had longer to live with it, there is a strong chance this would’ve finished in the Top 10. That said, Here Come The Early Nights feels tailor-made for this time of the year and I have no doubt this is one I will revisit constantly over the festive period and beyond. An incredible record that just connects on every level.

Best tracks: Here Come The Early Nights, Room With A Different View, The Notion

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18. Praise a Lord Who Chews but Which Does Not Consume; (Or Simply, Hot Between Worlds) by Yves Tumor

An album that came out back in March and to which I’ve found myself continually returning. Although active since 2015, I discovered musician and producer Yves Tumor through their last record, 2020’s Heaven To A Tortured Mind. It was a fascinating record, one that seamlessly blended elements of pop, hip-hop, alternative, soul, art-rock, grunge, shoegaze – you name a genre, Yves Tumor can pull it into the mix and use it to create a wonderful collage of sound. Hot Between Worlds (because I’m not using the daft full title) is a similar story, albeit Yves has travelled further into the rock realm this time around.

God Is A Circle is a cool scene setter, opening the record on the sounds of frantic panting before some buzzy, math-rock guitars arrive. Lovely Sewer is wonderfully hypnotic, featuring these dreamy guitar passages and an uncredited female vocalist who just lifts the track into another dimension. Meteora Blues is then one of the biggest highlights, somewhat reminiscent of Smashing Pumpkins with Yves’ grungy vocals, walls of guitars and then some mesmerising, almost psychedelic breakdowns.

Obviously setting a high bar so early always runs the risk that you can’t keep the momentum up, but Hot Between Worlds just gets better as it goes along. Heaven Surrounds Us Like a Hood draws shades to the late-great Jimi Hendrix, featuring some amazing guitar work but with glossy pop-style production. Fear Evil Like Fire has been one of my most played songs of the year according to Apple Music and I’m not surprised as it features the most amazing melody, with Yves seemingly mocking himself in the lyrics for becoming his own enemy and the thing he hates. Purified by the Fire is then this thunderous instrumental, with crashing cymbals and seismic electronic blasts, before Ebony Eye closes things out in a swirl of strings.

There’s obviously a story playing out within the music, amongst all the religious imagery it’s like Yves travelling through purgatory and coming out the other side. Even after a year of spinning this I’ve still not put all the narrative pieces together, but I think in the grand scheme of things it ultimately doesn’t matter - the sheer sonic splendour that you get with this record is more than worth the price of admission. A sharply concise, wildly imaginative 35-minute listen, where Yves pulls you into all these fascinating spaces of sound which you’ll just want to keep coming back to experience again and again.

Best tracks: Meteora Blues, Fear Evil Like Fire, Ebony Eye

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17. Laugh Track by The National

Anticipation can be a funny thing. When asked on the January episode of our podcast earlier this year what were some of my most anticipated records for the upcoming 12 months, a new album from The National was one of my picks. As one of my favourite bands, I couldn’t wait for the next instalment in their catalogue and by the time April and The First Two Pages of Frankenstein came around, my hype-o-meter had hit fever pitch. Sadly what I found, left me massively disappointed.

Whilst some fans took to the record immediately, for me Frankenstein was (and still is after numerous plays) the sound of a band seemingly out of ideas and just going through the motions. So when it was announced that The National were releasing their second album of 2023 titled Laugh Track, my expectations were hopeful but a bit more modest. Thankfully, Laugh Track turned out to be The National album I was hoping for at the start of 2023.

For me the contrasting contents is evident from the front covers of the two albums alone. Where Frankenstein is dull pink and monochromatic, Laugh Track is vivid and full of colour - which for me represents the huge difference in sound between the two. Bryan Devendorf has more of a presence whilst the Dessner brothers are stringing together interesting musical arrangements again. Matt’s lyrics suit the flow of the tracks better too, with some lines punching you in the gut like we know he can. But above everything else, a few of the songs here can stand shoulder to shoulder with The National’s very best.

A prime example is the colossal closing track Smoke Detector that sends the record into another stratosphere for me. Clocking in at just shy of eight minutes, it is like Sleep Well Beast cut The System Only Dreams In Total Darkness cranked up to 11. It sees Matt Berninger poetically rant over the top of an ominous riff as it begins to surge, the volume of his vocals steadily escalating along with it. Anchored around a heartfelt refrain of “You don’t know how much I love you, do you?”, it eventually explodes into a thrilling final couple of minutes led by the Dessner brothers’ climatic duelling guitars.

Whilst I appreciate some will still prefer Frankenstein and others may even be left lukewarm by this album as well, for me this is The National I know and love. Several songs here I immediately put alongside my favourites in their catalogue and overall, it is just a beautifully arranged record from beginning to end.

Best tracks: Smoke Detector, Weird Goodbyes, Space Invader

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16. Black Rainbows by Corinne Bailey Rae

I’ll admit, beyond her overplayed and overly twee breakout hit Put Your Records On, before this year I couldn’t name you another Corinne Bailey Rae track. With that being the case, I went into this fourth album from the British singer-songwriter with little expectation, other than a recommendation from 5-9 Editor Andrew Belt and some extremely positive reviews. As a result, I was blown away by the absolute tour de force with which I was presented.

Across the album’s ten tracks, Corinne effortlessly jumps from genre to genre whilst sharing her thoughts on subjects such as slavery, spirituality, freedom, hope and survival, all inspired by an art exhibition on Black history that she attended in Chicago. Whilst these radical style switches can be jarring at times, it also makes for an absolute thrill ride with not a single dull moment to be found. In just the opening three songs alone, Corinne flies between the rip-roaring A Spell, A Prayer, the experimental jazz of the title track before landing at the stomping rock riffs of Erasure.

It’s then in the middle section where the best songs can be found, with Corinne’s soulful cries of “I wanted to know you” gracefully gliding across the stirring arrangement on album highlight, Red Horse. She then immediately does a complete 180, firing into the full throttle garage rock of New York Transit Queen. Near 9-minute epic Put It Down is then the entire album in a nutshell, starting out as a magical slice of smooth R&B before transitioning into a pulsating buzz of electronica.

Black Rainbows is an album that on the surface sounds like it should be a hot mess, an “everything including the kitchen sink” collection of sounds and styles that would’ve quickly misfired in anyone else’s hands. Full credit to Corinne Bailey Rae though, as she keeps the project anchored and makes the dramatic transitions seem like the most natural thing in the world. An incredible record that you simply must hear and without a doubt one of the year’s most ambitiously inventive.

Best tracks: Put It Down, Red Horse, New York Transit Queen

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15. Sanguivore by Creeper

Back in October, I ranked this album third in the 5-9 Album of the Month podcast, below the debuts from both Barry Can’t Swim and SIPHO who we have already seen on this countdown. So how has this third album from Southampton-based goth rockers Creeper ended up here? Firstly, experiencing this album live at the start of November was without a doubt one of the musical highlights of my year, an incredibly theatrical live show unlike anything else I attended in 2023. Secondly, it’s an album that just puts the biggest smile on my face whenever I give it a spin.

Inspired by the likes of Jim Steinman, My Chemical Romance and Sisters of Mercy, it is a concept record that tells a vampire love story. However, the vampire in this case is meant to represent live music, with the Twilight-esque narrative told throughout the record actually a metaphor for the COVID lockdown and the eventual return of gigs and festivals. So not only is this an album that’s a ton of fun on an entirely superficial level, but if you want to scratch beneath the surface, there is a bit more to the album to which you can – excuse the deliberate pun – sink your teeth.

That’s the thematic concept, then sonically it’s a big, overly theatrical rock record with plenty of 80s-style synths and a bit of glam-rock/hair metal flair. Further Than Forever kicks things off with a 9-minute epic boasting more than a few shades of Meat Loaf classic, Bat Out of Hell. Singles Cry To Heaven and Teenage Sacrifice remind me of something you could see soundtracking Netflix series Stranger Things, with its neon glow and heavy metal energy. Elsewhere Sacred Blasphemy offers something a bit more punky and closer to the style of their debut, whilst Lovers Led Astray is a dramatic track filled with big rock riffs and spooky organs.

Sometimes music just needs to be a lot of fun to resonate and that is what Creeper delivered with Sanguivore. Without a doubt one of the best rock/metal albums of the year and one that offered the perfect soundtrack to the 2023 Halloween season.

Best tracks: Cry To Heaven, Further Than Forever, Sacred Blasphemy

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14. The Land Is Inhospitable And So Are We by Mitski

When this was a very narrow runner-up on the September episode of the 5-9 Album of the Month podcast, I mentioned that I was intrigued to find out where it would land on my year-end list. Well, here it is finishing right up in 14th which, given the beautiful wintery nature of the music Mitski crafts on this her seventh album, is no surprise.

As I said on the pod back in September, this Mitski record is a good advert for why you should always listen to an album at least once on headphones. I feel like you don’t truly know a record until you’ve sat down and properly indulged in it on a good set of noise-cancelling headphones. The first time I played this album it was on in the background whilst I was cooking on the kitchen speaker, where I noticed a few nice moments but not too much really standing out. Then the second time I played it was walking to work on a cold but sunny Autumn morning, quiet roads, headphones on - and then suddenly the music and words hit me like a ton of bricks.

Every time I’ve played this record since, I’ve found myself growing more and more fond of it. Bug Like An Angel was the first track I heard and it works wonderfully as the opener, with the choir vocals joining her for a powerful start. Buffalo Replaced is then my favourite on the whole album, just beautifully written with a great piano/organ passage. Heaven also lives up to its name, with Mitski gently cooing as the orchestration swells in the background. When Memories Snow I wish was longer, as it seems to end just as it really gets going with the triumphant sound of the Ennio Morricone-inspired brass horns. Sonically it’s all majestic but the way she conveys feelings of heartbreak, isolation and disillusionment in the songwriting is just beautiful too.

Above all though, it’s an album that feels instantly timeless, with the songs sounding like they’ve been plucked from another age in the same way as a lot of Lana Del Rey’s music. A wonderful record and one I can see myself picking up again for many Autumn/Winters to come.

Best tracks: Buffalo Replaced, When Memories Snow, I Love Me After You

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13. The Greater Wings by Julie Byrne

From one gut-punch record to another, as we arrive at the third album from American singer-songwriter Julie Byrne. Missing out on the 5-9 July Album of the Month podcast through losing the public vote, it was a big “Oh, what could have been” moment, in a month where none of the albums we reviewed particularly gripped us like other months. If Julie had won that vote, I have no doubt she would’ve finished near the top of our collective Album of the Year rankings. This is a devastatingly beautiful meditation on heartache and grief that demands to be heard.

Having begun recording the album in late 2020, the project was thrown into disarray when producer for these sessions, Eric Littman, suddenly and tragically died in mid-2021. In the wake of her loss, Byrne wrote this set of songs to process her grief, also expanding her instrumental palette by bringing in synths, harps and strings to further elevate her guitar-based arrangements. With her own haunting vocals then the key component that brings it all together, the result is a deeply stirring reflection on death and sorrow unlike any I’ve ever heard.

It's hard to pick out individual moments as highlights, as this really is an album that should be experienced from beginning to end. However, the ones that resonated with me the most were the gorgeous opening title track, the understated splendour of Moonless and then the powerful, emotionally charged finale, Death Is The Diamond.

I have to once again thank friend of the blog Kiley Larsen, as this is another record I may well have missed had it not been for his recommendation back in the summer. Like Mitski, an album made to be heard at this time of year and one that leaves a huge lasting impression.

Best tracks: Death Is The Diamond, Moonless, The Greater Wings

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12. Crazymad, For Me by CMAT

If there is one artist who most definitely had a breakout year in 2023, it is Ciara Mary-Alice Thompson - better known by her stage name, CMAT. Sure, she is already a superstar over in Ireland having won the Irish Choice Prize and reached the top of the Irish Album Chart with her 2022 debut If My Wife New I'd Be Dead, but in 2023 it feels like she introduced herself to a whole new audience over here in the UK too.

Having only just released that debut last year, CMAT has wasted little time in delivering an assured follow-up that successfully builds on the foundations laid with that breakout first album, with this sophomore outing another record full of high points. It starts very strong with California and Phone Me both joyous, string-tinged pop anthems, before midway through Robbie-Williams-endorsed John Grant collaboration - Where Are Your Kids Tonight? - shines bright. However, it’s the latter section where my favourite tracks seem to appear, with the piano-driven I…Hate Who I Am When I’m Horny seeing CMAT bemoan herself and her love life.

However, Stay For Something is undoubtedly the pick of the whole bunch and although I don’t rank my Top 100 Songs of the Year (which is still to come later this month just to remind you!), this song would honestly be at the very top. Thanks to some wonderfully bluesy guitars and CMAT’s own impassioned vocal cries of “Have you found what you’re looking for”, it builds to a devastating crescendo that never fails to hit me in all the feels. Also for those who haven’t seen it yet, make sure you watch her live performance of the track on The Graham Norton Show. A real star-making moment and, for me, the TV music performance of the year - check it out here.

Whilst admittedly I hadn’t completely bought into the CMAT hype the first time around like I know some did, there are a ton of moments on Crazymad, For Me that have already had me coming back for repeated spins. A brilliant follow-up from an artist who shows no signs of slowing down her ever-gathering momentum.

Best tracks: Stay For Something, I… Hate Who I Am When I’m Horny, California

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11. For That Beautiful Feeling by The Chemical Brothers

For the past three decades, the duo of Tom Rowlands and Ed Simons have been a constant - delivering iconic, instantly recognisable dance tracks and some of the best electronic music the world has ever seen. Whilst some guitar bands are often put on a pedestal beyond their worth, The Chemical Brothers by comparison don’t always get the recognition they deserve for their longevity and consistently excellent output. Now 10 albums into their career, the Brothers are aging like fine wine, with this latest opus - titled For That Beautiful Feeling - right up there with their very best work.

As ever, the Brothers have crafted this record as a mesmerising sonic journey, with each track able to stand alone as a magnificent piece of art whilst also seamlessly segueing together to form one mind-altering experience too. It’s a balance that only the best can muster and it seems like the duo have taken the best parts of their 30 year career to forge the inspiration for this new effort. The Weight plays out like Block Rockin’ Beats Version 2.0, a hypnotic blend of hip-hop and pulsating electronica. Skipping Like A Stone is then their latest collaboration with Beck, with it’s choral-like beat ensuring it hits every bit as hard as their previous classic together, Wide Open.

Those two tracks would be enough to secure the Top 20 spot, but honestly this album is littered with incredible moments. Singles Live Again, No Reason and The Darkness That You Fear sound even better in the context of the whole, with the latter having been reworked to better fit the mould. Feels Like I Am Dreaming is then a heady 7-minute colossus, transporting you across several new dimensions during the song’s duration. Goodbye is then my pick of the whole record, with a gorgeous soul sample immersed wonderfully within transcendent beams of synths at every turn.

This is without a doubt one of the records of the year, with the duo building on 2019’s No Geography to deliver yet another late career highlight. Not only are The Chemical Brothers one of the UK’s best live acts, but after this album we should recognise them for what they are – one of our most enduring artists, period.

Best tracks: Goodbye, Skipping Like A Stone, Feels Like I Am Dreaming

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Tomorrow, I reveal the final 10 albums of the countdown – don’t miss it!

[scuttling]

(Not So) Casual Friday

Fandom: Criminal Minds Pairings: Aaron Hotchner/Female Reader Word Count: 4,456 Tags: 18+, NSFW, Dad Bod Hotch (it's not a main component but he very much has the tummy here), Pining, Accidentally admitting attraction, Embarrassment, A little angst, Oral sex, Protected sex Summary: Your best friend Derek finds out about your feelings for Hotch and teases you mercilessly. You can manage it, though, until the first ever Casual Friday, when Hotch shows up to work in a black polo and jeans and you kind of ruin everything. Or maybe you don't? *Requested by anon Link to A03 or read below! “Okay, girlie, today’s the day,” Derek says when you set your bag and coffee cup on your desk on Monday morning. You shoot your best friend a tired smile and wonder for the—you’ve worked at the BAU for almost two years, so it’s probably the 500th time—for the 500th time why he has to be such a morning person when you would prefer not to have a conversation until at least 10 AM.

“Today’s the day for what?” you sigh, asking out of obligation, because it’s obvious that’s what he’s waiting for; he smiles, picks up your coffee and hands it to you, which must mean you sound bitchy. You take a grateful sip, close your eyes and exhale through your nose.

“For you to admit to me that you’re in love with Hotch.”

You spit out your coffee—only all over yourself, which is great, wouldn’t want to inconvenience Derek at all—and then cough so hard he has to thump on your back to help clear your airway.

It draws some attention; Hotch comes out of his office, takes a look at the two of you and probably regrets hiring the both of you, then walks down the stairs to make sure you’re okay.

“What happened? You’re wet,” he says a bit gruffly, looking at the coffee all over your chest and sleeves. You glare over at Derek, who’s clearly trying not to laugh.

“Derek made me spill my coffee.” You grab a handful of tissues off your desk and pat at the wet spot, trying to soak up the worst of it, but it’s not salvageable. You’ll have to change your shirt.

“And then you… choked on it?” Hotch asks, to clarify. Derek does laugh at that; the things Hotch is saying happen to have dual meanings, slightly sexual, and now that Derek knows—thinks he knows—about your thing for Hotch, it’s clear he finds it all so hilarious. He’s a twelve year old boy in a grown man’s body.

“Okay, I didn’t spill, I spit,” you correct, looking up at them, and Derek makes an exaggerated face of disapproval.

“Should have swallowed,” he says, trying to sound serious, and you shoot him an irritated look and reach out to slap him in the chest. Asshole.

“Do you need help getting cleaned up?” Hotch’s expression is kind, sweet, but you’d sooner die than have him blot coffee off of your boobs. It would be mortifying, especially in front of Derek.

“No, no, I think I’m okay. Thanks,” you add with a soft smile, and then you reach up and pull your sweater over your head, unzip your go bag, and search for another top.

For some reason, Hotch has a coughing fit scarily similar to the one you just had, and you turn to pat his back like Derek did for you.

“Are you alright?” you ask, looking up into his face, and he nods despite his watering eyes.

“Fine,” he croaks, and he leaves as quickly as he came. You sigh, because it’s not even nine and your day has already been so weird.

You’re wearing a tank top, and thankfully the coffee didn’t get through to that layer, so it’s quick and easy to throw another lightweight sweater over top of it; you ball up the wet one, shove it in the dirty clothes portion of your bag, zip it up and stash it under your desk. Derek looks like he’s having the best day of his life.

“You realize you just undressed in front of Hotch,” he says with a tone you don’t appreciate. You roll your eyes.

“I did not. I had a tank top on underneath.” You almost always wear an undershirt, because you’ve been a cop long enough to know that sometimes your clothes get torn or messed up in the line of duty, and you’re not trying to offer a free show while taking down an unsub. Derek wiggles his eyebrows, points at your chest.

“Yeah, one that put those little boobies on display. His eyes bulged out of his head like a cartoon character.” This time, you punch him in the arm, hard. It’s too goddamn early for this.

“Can you please shut up already? I don’t have a thing for Hotch.”

“Ah, I didn’t say you had a thing, I said you’re in love with him. And I have evidence; lots of it.” You tip your head back, groan, wondering what you did to deserve a best friend who is also such a pain in the ass, and it’s that moment that Hotch chooses to rejoin you; he looks a little flushed, probably from the coughing earlier.

“Uh. We have a case; I know not everyone is here yet, but you can head up to the briefing room, I’ll grab the others when they arrive.”

“Sure thing, sir,” you say easily, grabbing your tablet and what’s left of your coffee; you gesture for Derek and he follows, laughing and shaking his head. “Okay, what is it now? I’m so glad you find me entertaining today.”

“‘Sure thing, sir,’” he says with a high, breathy voice you assume is supposed to mimic yours. “You want his dick so bad.” You narrow your eyes at him as you head upstairs.

“Uh, because I was being respectful? I know that’s a foreign concept for you, the world’s biggest asshole, but you don’t have to read anything into it.” You take your usual seats at the table, pull up the note-taking app on your tablet, and Derek sits back, crosses his arms behind his head.

“Well you’re not calling me ‘sir’, and I’m the sexiest piece in the office, so it’s hard not to read into it.” You look over at him, elbow on the table, chin in the palm of your hand.

“Sexy is subjective, and you don’t do it for me, sorry to break it to you.” He scoffs, laughs, and you laugh too because you both know you see each other as brother and sister, buddies, and fellow former cops, and absolutely nothing else.

“Yeah, I get it, only Hotch does it for you; he’s not my type, but I can see how a young lady like yourself could be drawn to his brooding exterior.”

“I’m not drawn to his exterior!” you practically growl, and then you’re joined by Spencer and JJ.

“Good morning. What’s going on with you two?” JJ asks, loading up the monitors for the debriefing, her eyebrows raised.

“She’s in love with Hotch,” Derek says completely nonchalantly, and you rest your head on the table, on top of your forearms, and sigh.

“She’s what?” JJ’s whole face lights up, and you seriously regret everything.

“I’m not in love with anybody!” you mumble against your arms, and then you sit up, because you’re clearly going to have to defend yourself. “And I’d appreciate it if you quit saying that I am.”

“I told you I have evidence,” Derek reminds you, leaning back in his chair a little. One swift kick would have him toppling ass over tea kettle, but you’re too nice, even when he’s actively trying to ruin your life. “Shall I go over it while we wait?”

“I’ll be an objective third party,” Spencer says with a brief smile, and you sigh, wave your hand toward Derek.

“Alright, let’s hear it. I’m sure I have a perfectly reasonable explanation for whatever evidence you might think you have.” He grins like this is the moment he’s been waiting for, and you feel a little stupid for encouraging this.

“For one, you always look at him. When I’m delivering a profile, I notice you watching the locals, making sure they understand what we’re going over, since you're the queen of analyzing the micro expressions. But when Hotch is delivering a profile, your eyes are on him the whole time. Same goes for discussing theories on the jet; anyone else, and you’ve got your face in your tablet, scribbling notes, but you always look at him when he speaks.”

Your cheeks get hot. He’s a captivating speaker, is all, with that deep, velvety voice, and you can learn a lot from him, so you pay attention. That’s just being smart.

“Second, you tense when he gets close to you: not like you don’t want him to touch you, but like you’re halfway to jumping him already and trying to control it. I could probably put my hand in your pocket and you wouldn't even flinch, but if he leans over you to point at something you look like you’re about to cream your pants.”

“I have seen that, actually,” JJ offers, and you look over at her, betrayed. Sure, you get a whiff of his clean, crisp cologne, or feel the heat of him at your back, and your body reacts, reminds you that this is your boss and you’re at work and you can’t get turned on by the way he smells, but that’s actually a good thing, not an indicator of feelings or anything.

“Third, there’s something up with you and the gray suits. I can literally tell that he’s wearing one before I even see him, all because of the look on your face. It’s like you’re drunk on the gray suit.”

“Okay, that’s not true,” you say with a roll of your eyes—the gray suits are god tier, but there’s no way you’re that obvious—but it’s Spencer who speaks up, this time.

“You know, I have noticed that. Your pupils tend to be more dilated when his suit is gray or blue than when it’s black.” Fuck. You sigh.

“He barely ever wears the blue. It looks so good on him,” you murmur, and then you snap your eyes shut, cover your face with your hands. “Fuck. This is so embarrassing.”

“To be fair, we are profilers,” Derek says, leaning in to pat your back. “But also to be fair, he’s been a profiler longer than any of us, so if we know, he definitely knows.”

“Not helping, Derek,” you grind out, and then you’re joined by the rest of the team. Penelope takes the seat next to you, leans in with a worried tone of voice.

“Is everything okay?”

“She’s having a small crisis, but she’ll be fine,” JJ says with a smile, and you don’t miss the way Hotch looks you over when she says it, concern in his eyes. “Alright, so we’re headed to Arkansas…”

Later that morning, when you’ve been given your instructions—yours are heading to the crime scene with Emily and Derek—Hotch pulls you out into the hall, rests a gentle hand on your arm.

“Are you alright? JJ mentioned you were having a crisis earlier. This is the first time I’ve been able to get you alone, and I wanted to check on you.” You take a deep breath, look up at him, so handsome in a black suit, white shirt, green tie—he almost never wears a green tie, and you absently think it brings out the more golden tones of his eyes—and smile softly.

“Yeah, I’m fine. It’s really nothing. Personal stuff, and I’m dealing with it.” If by ‘dealing with it’ you mean you’ve been repressing it, shoving it down day in and day out until your feelings are choking you, then yeah, you’re dealing with it. “Thanks for checking, though, that’s kind of you.”

“Of course. I’m here to help in any way I can, if you need me.” Good god, do you need him, emotionally, physically, but that’s fantasy, and this, what he’s offering, is rooted in reality. Good things do happen, but not to you.

“Thanks.” Your voice is weak to your own ears, and he swallows, nods; you see Derek hovering by the door, waiting for you, and you pull away to join him, plastering a smile on your face. You don’t talk about it again until Friday, and at that point it’s extremely unavoidable.

It’s Casual Friday, newly implemented by the bureau as a way to boost morale, and while it doesn’t really excite you, because you’re fairly casual anyway, others take full advantage of it. Others, including Hotch.

He shows up to work wearing a black polo and dark jeans, his usual watch. It’s easily the most simplistic, basic outfit a man could decide to wear on Casual Friday, but this isn’t just a man, it’s Aaron fucking Hotchner, and so naturally, you lose your damn mind.

It wouldn’t be so bad if the damn polo didn’t fit him perfectly, tight across his shoulders and chest and the little tummy he has that makes you want to be under him so badly, your stomachs pressed together while he thrusts inside you, holding you tightly, his strong thighs working against yours…

“Hello, are you alive in there?” Emily asks, waving her hand in front of your face; the two of you, along with Derek, are in Penelope’s office for lunch while Rossi, Reid, and JJ are out of the office for a seminar. You blink, shake away your thoughts and hope and pray they don’t come back—but they’ll come back, they always do.

“She’s just short circuiting because of Hotch’s Casual Friday look,” Morgan says with a wink, sitting backward in his seat. “She’s been drooling so much I’ve had to follow her around with a mop to clean up after her.” You push your wheeled chair away from them with a groan, needing space and air and, potentially, a brain transplant. You’ve gotten nothing done all day long.

“Can you blame me? The man comes in here everyday, buttoned up tight, looking incredible in a suit and tie, and then he shows up in that black polo, all snug and hot and delicious, and you expect me not to freak out? You guys are lucky I didn’t pass out.” You’re met with silence, and you blink, confused, at your friends, but they’re all just kind of staring with looks of barely concealed humor. “What? It’s not like it’s a secret that I want to climb him like a tree.”

“Pretty sure it was a secret to him,” Penelope says, looking shocked, and you whip around in your chair to see Hotch standing in the doorway, wide-eyed and a little flushed.

“Oh my god. I’m so sorry. I, uh—” He raises a hand, waves you off.

“It’s okay. No harm done; thank you, for the, uh. Compliment.” He steps forward, hands a manila folder to Penelope. “Thanks for taking care of these,” he says softly, and then, unsurprisingly, he gets the hell out of there. You wish you could disappear off the face of the Earth.

“Fuck, holy fuck,” you mutter when he’s gone, leaning forward with your head in your hands. “That’s it, I’m quitting. It’s been nice knowing you guys.”

“Okay, don’t be dramatic,” Derek says, and you look up to glare at him; he’s the one that started all this in the first place. You were fine, feelings tamped down and suppressed, until he brought it up and then told everyone you know.

“Don’t tell me not to be dramatic, Derek! This is all your fault. You never respect my boundaries, you never know when to just let me be, you always have to pick and pick until you wear me down. Maybe I had a reason for wanting to keep my feelings private, did you ever think of that?”

“I know you're upset,” Emily begins softly, because there’s some pretty thick tension between you and Derek now, but you stand up, push your chair across the room, and shake your head.

“I’m not upset, I’m fucking humiliated. I’m going home; let him know I’m sick, will you?” You exhale deeply, storm upstairs and grab your stuff and drive home with tears in your eyes. You’ve never been so embarrassed in your life, and add that to the absolute heartbreak you’re feeling? You’re just happy you make it to your apartment, so you can break down with cheesecake and a sappy, romantic comedy with a happy ending: those perfect, fictional worlds are pretty much the only place one is guaranteed. You are, as planned, hunkered down on the sofa in your softest pajamas, watching You’ve Got Mail and eating the center out of an entire cheesecake with a spoon when there’s a knock at your door. You groan, pick up your cheesecake tin, and walk over to it, fully expecting it to be Derek come to beg for forgiveness for ruining your life, so it’s no surprise you drop your dessert on the floor when it’s actually Hotch on the other side.

He looks down at the tin, then up at your face, cracks the barest hint of a smile.

“I thought you were sick; I brought soup,” he says, holding up a paper bag, and your heart thumps in your chest. You wipe a hand over your face, because you haven’t been exactly neat in your heartache cheesecake consumption, and then you kick the tin across the floor and invite him in, closing the door behind him.

“I thought it was obvious that I wasn’t actually sick, just… really embarrassed,” you say when he turns back to look at you. “I can’t believe you heard all that stuff I said… I’m really sorry I made you uncomfortable.” You take the bag from his hand and invite him to follow you into the kitchen, where you set it on the counter, lean against it. He comes close, but not so close you can’t function, which is good; your comfy pajamas are shorts and a loose tank top, so you feel a little exposed already.

“You didn’t make me uncomfortable,” he says softly, and you frown, must have heard him wrong. He presses his fingertips against the counter, as if for support. “You didn’t make me uncomfortable. It was… unexpected,” he explains, “very unexpected, but I’m not uncomfortable.”

You flush hot, and you can feel the bad decision part of your brain switching on, warning bells ringing in your head.

Whatever you do next has the potential to be extremely stupid, and you would like to avoid that at all costs; you love your job, after all, despite how physically and emotionally exhausting it can be, and you love your team. Time to think with your upstairs brain only.

“That makes me feel a little better,” you say truthfully, and despite the pep talk you just gave yourself, you move closer to him like there’s an invisible magnetic force between you; you would imagine a guy like Hotch would step back, keep his distance, but he only cranes his neck a little so he can look down at you more easily.

God, he’s tall. And he smells good, and his face is perfect, and that goddamn polo...

“Good, I’m glad. I don’t want you to feel bad about this. I’m not uncomfortable, it’s not… it’s not unwanted.” You swallow audibly, looking up at him, wondering if he knows what he’s saying, what it sounds like.

“It’s not?” you ask, and it comes out breathy; he takes a small step closer to you, brushes his fingers over your arm, peers into your eyes.

“No, it’s not. I’ve been thinking of you, too; I know you know you’re beautiful, but you’re also so smart, and strong-willed, and a force to be reckoned with. I’m proud to have you on my team, and I’d be proud… to have you climb me like a tree.” He smiles again, just the barest hint of one, and you put your arms around him and pull him closer for a kiss.

One long, slow, perfect kiss turns into another, then another, and he presses your back against the counter, his hands on your face and your hands on his thick waist; you hum into the kiss, revel in the feel of his lips on yours, his tongue sweeping past them, and when you pull back for air it feels like there’s only one question that needs to be asked.

“Bedroom?” you breathe, and he nods, and you take his hand and pull him in that direction, pausing to kiss him several times before you get there. “You don’t happen to have a condom, do you?” you ask, breathless, guiding him to the bed, and he frowns, shakes his head.

“I didn’t want to seem presumptuous.” You grin at that, lean forward and kiss him, your fingers in his hair.

“I find it so hot that you even say presumptuous. I might have one here somewhere.” You open your nightstand, move around books and toys until you find a couple; you flip them over, checking to see if they’re expired, and offer him a couple options. “They’re still good, surprisingly. You can, uh. Choose the one that would work best.”

He looks them over, picks one and hands back the rest, and you throw them back in the drawer and slide into his lap, wrap your arms around his shoulders.

“I’ve wanted you for so long,” he says, holding your waist as you look down at him, completely in awe that this is happening. “But I want to clarify: if you’re looking for something casual, I don’t think we should go any further.” You inhale softly, surprised by his straightforwardness, and you lean in, kiss him slowly.

“I don’t want casual. I want to be with you.” His eyes are so brilliant, dark in the dim light of your bedroom, and he nods, presses his lips to yours and slides his hands beneath your top, guides it over your head. Then they move to your shorts, slipping them gently off your hips, and you stand so he can push them to the ground.

You’re both breathing heavily, a little rough, and you step between his legs, kiss him again, run your hands down his chest, closing your eyes with a sigh because you finally get to feel him after a year of just imagining what it would be like. After a beat, you open your eyes, look into his, smile.

“Really grateful for Casual Friday,” you whisper. “Otherwise you might never have found out I’m kind of in love with you.” You ease the polo over his head, drop it on the ground and encourage him to stand so you can take off his pants; he does, but before you can drop to your knees as planned, he takes your face in his hands, presses one soft kiss against your mouth.

“I’m more than kind of in love with you.” Oh, if that isn’t the greatest sentence your ears have ever heard… You wrap your arms around his neck, kiss a little more, forgetting that you planned to finish undressing him; when you remember, you make quick work of it, then have him lay back against the bed and settle between his legs.

You put your mouth on him because you want to, more than anything, and his hand drops to your hair, caressing you while you suck slowly, deeply, holding him with one hand and pressing against his stomach with the other. His moans are soft and gorgeous, his body tense beneath your hand, and you’d do this all night, but he murmurs your name, coaxes you up, puts his hands on your back as you settle against him.

“You’re so incredible. I never would have imagined I’d get this, get you,” he breathes, skimming his hands over your sides and hips, and you kiss softly, steamy and sweet.

“Me neither.” You lean up, make space for him to roll on the condom, and then press him inside; your breath hitches, and so does his, and you lay on top of him, chest to chest, stomach to stomach, arms around each other tightly while you move. “Hmm. Aaron,” you sigh, hair falling around him, and he groans, digs his fingertips into your hips.

“Sounds so perfect coming out of your mouth.” You smile, but it slips away when he surges up to kiss you, leans up so he’s sitting with you in his lap. He slides a broad hand up your back, wraps it around the nape of your neck, and pumps his hips up as you sink down, eliciting a series of soft, eager moans from the both of you.

“Feels like I’ve waited so long; I’ve never wanted someone as badly as I wanted you,” you tell him, chest heaving, and he brings you to him for a kiss, something a little rougher, less refined. He’s getting close.

“Never. You make me feel so much.” You reach back against his leg for support, work harder to bring him off, and when he comes he crushes his mouth against yours, delicious and more uncontrolled than you’ve ever seen him. He chants your name, so soft and sweet rolling off of his tongue, and then gets you on your back so he can press deeply inside.

You feel so incredibly full, panting beneath him, your hands on his waist and your feet on the backs of his thighs; his perfect face is inches from yours, all shallow breaths and decadent, passionate kisses, and when you climax you pull him closer, sigh, unravel completely in his embrace.

Maybe good things do happen after all. You hold each other and talk for a while, after a quick pitstop to the restroom, and then your stomach growls—understandably, since the only thing to fill it since lunch was that stupid cheesecake—and Hotch orders takeout on his phone from bed; god bless technology.

There’s a knock at the door twenty minutes later, and you know that’s quick for your favorite Thai place, but you’re not complaining because you’re officially starving. He offers to grab it, throws on his boxers and heads for the living room; after a few minutes, you wonder what’s taking so long, pull on your robe and go to check on him.

Hotch is talking to Derek, who is standing in your living room with a piece of cheesecake and a shit eating grin.

“I came with a peace offering, but now I think I’ll wait for a, ‘Thank you, Derek,’” he says, and you roll your eyes, stalk over and take the cheesecake out of his hands. You give it to Hotch, lean up to kiss Derek on the cheek, and push him toward the door.

“Thank you, Derek. Go away, Derek,” you say with a smile of your own, and he raises his palms and retreats down the hall, laughing as he goes.

This is just one more thing he’ll tease you mercilessly about, but this time the benefits outweigh the costs. Taglist ❤️: @arsonhotchner @mrsh0tchner @ssahotchie @sleepyreaderreads @mintphoenix @meghannnnnn @disgruntledchowchow @azenpal @g-l-pierce @my-rosegold-soul @ssamorganhotchner

[literaturethebestfriend]

I love Kate in the book.

I love Kate in the show.

I love Anthony in the book.

I love Anthony in the show.

I love the Viscount Who Loved Me book.

I love the show.

Was the show perfect? No. It was an adaptation of the book, so there were choices made that made me roll my eyes few times and honestly did not much care about.

But the most important thing is that Simone Ashley and Jonathan Bailey brought Kate Sharma and Anthony Bridgerton alive. They were beyond perfect! The longing looks, the soft touches, the banter, the smiles, the pining, the desire, the love. They really got me all emotional and I will protect them at all cost. And also the way Jonathan Bailey delivered his lines...GIVE THIS MAN ALL THE AWSRDS.

Loved seeing the Bridgerton family. I have missed them. Eloise was hilarious as always. Her bonding with Kate was what I wished for and I was so happy to see that. The banter between brothers, hilarious. Anthony and Gregory talking about Edmund. I teared up.

The Pall Mall scene. The first and in the epilogue. Epic. I loved both of those scenes.

Obviously every scene with Kate and Anthony. History was made. They were epic and will live rent free in my heart and soul and mind.

Newton Sharma the best boy in the Ton. He did his job with such an intensity. I am a fan.

The Sharma sisters. Simone and Charithra were truly amazing playing sisters. There was that sister bond that I loved in the book. I was so heartbroken that the show took another direction and broke the sisters apart.

What I did not like was that there was too much side stories, that I did not care for. The Featherington's, Lady Whistledown-Penelope-Eloise-drama (and I love Eloise), I just did not care for all that much.

And the worst thing that they did was to make Edwina's character so different from the book. I did not like the sister against sister plot. Why would anyone think it would be an intresting plot? NO. In the books Kate's and Edwina's bond is so strong that no man would ever come between them. In the book when Edwina realises that Kate and Anthony are engaged, she is oh i knew there was something between you to and that was it. Because she was never in love with Anthony. I did not like that in the show Edwina realises at the ALTAR that Kate and Anthony have feelings for each other. I felt so bad for Edwina and Kate. The Sharma sisters deserved much more than this. I hate love triangles.

And I did not like that Kate's and Anthony's story felt a bit rushed in the end. I would have loved to see more of their married life (we should have given at least two episodes of that), like we see in the book.

But overall I loved the show. I have watched it twice now and everytime I am awed by Simone and Anthony and their chemistry. They deserve all of our love and respect. They did an amazing job bringing these characters alive.

There is probably ten more things I would like to say about thw show, but I was just going to make a quick ramble about my thoughts off the show. But here we are. Oh well.

[yannowhatigiveup]

A Blinded Kiss

I haven’t posted anything recently so I dug around in my WIPs to see if anything was even worth posting and I found this that I made a while ago. It certainly isn’t the best but it isn’t the worst out of all my other WIPs.

"Is this really necessary?" The bluenette asked, eyeing a blindfold given by her brotherly figure.

"Of course it is Pixie!" An older man with two-toned hair replied, way too over enthusiastic about the whole situation. "It's a great way to find your way around the manor”

"And it's a great family bonding experience too!" Another man in the room replied, even more enthusiastic than the first.

"Fine, I'll do it Jay" the blue-eyed girl huffed, twirling the blindfold between her fingers. "What are the rules again, Dick?"

Dick beamed at the girl before answering. "Well Mari, it's simple. Put the blindfold on, count to fifty, spin around and try to steal a hug from anyone in the manor"

"So I have to walk around the manor blindfolded and try to sneak up on you? You know that's impossible!" Marinette exclaimed, she would not go around the house looking like a touch-starved fool.

"That's exactly why we're doing it" Jason replied, shrugging his shoulders. "It'll last a long time."

After a few seconds, the blue-eyed girl sighed, giving in to both Jason and Dick. "Fine, if that's what makes you happy" Marinette wrapped the matte-black fabric tightly around her eyes, already struggling within the first few seconds. She began counting and she heard the two scuffling away, smiling while being able to tell which direction they went in. In the mean time, Marinette debated her options.

'Both Jason and Dick would be the ideal choices but they'll be able to hear me from a mile away. Tim would be the most logical one since he's half asleep, but where does he even go in this maze? God knows where Alfred is, Mr Wayne is scary. Damian-' She paused her train of thoughts, granted Marinette had only met him a few days ago but that didn't stop the crush she had heavily try to cease. 'He'd probably hear me from a mile away as well. This game is so unfair'

Soon enough, Marinette reached fifty and spun herself around, she used a bit too much force than needed so now not only was she blinded but she lost her sense of direction. Giving herself a minute to recover, the bluenette began to walk. Using her improved senses, thanks to the miraculous, Mari was slowly able to create a theoretical map in her mind, though it did take much more energy than she desired.

"Fighting an akuma is easier than this" The bluenette muttered as she hit her thigh along the corner of a wall.

Even though she was using her enhanced abilities, she'd pump into a corner or a wall every now and again, the amount of times increased when her energy was being used. After wondering a hall for what seemed like hours, the bluenette came to a staircase, one that she ever so carefully used to get to a higher floor. Once she did, she kept a hand on one of the walls, using it as a guide. Soon enough, her hand came to what felt like a doorframe. The door was closed she could tell but it was recent used due to the fact that the doorknob was warm. Making sure not to intrude, she knocked on said door, she almost missed the muffled 'come in' had she not been paying attention. Marinette opened the door, went in and quickly shut it behind her, taking a deep breath.

"Okay I hope you don't mind but which room is this and whose in the room? Dick and Jason thought it would be a good idea to walk around the manor blindfolded while trying to sneak up on them" The bluenette huffed, only to freeze when she heard a familiar chuckle.

"I've heard, you're in my room, It's Damian just to clarify" 'Sh-' "So, what task must be fulfilled to give you permission to take the blindfold off? I doubt you want to keep it on any longer" Marinette giggled.

"You're right, I would probably get lost of I continue. Um, I have to 'steal a hug' apparently"

"So you have to hug someone without them inspecting it" Damian came to that conclusion to which the bluenette nodded her head.

"Yeah that's basically it, hey do you have anywhere I could sit down? I'm getting tired..."

"Of course, my bed is five steps to your front and two steps to your right, make yourself comfortable" She wasn't sure how red she had gotten but she obliged anyway. Had she not been wearing the blindfold, she would've seen Damian smiling at her flustered state. Giving herself a moment to regain her energy, Marinette turned to where she presumed Damian was working at his desk. "Can I hug you? Jay never said I couldn't ask the person first. I-I won't if you don't want me to! I just wanted to ask so..."

She heard the boy thoughtfully hum before he made his way over to her. From what she could tell, Damian was now in front of Marinette, looming over her.

"Did Todd or Grayson say it had to be a hug?" Marinette tilted her head in confusion and thoughtfulness, that had never crossed her mind before.

"W-"

"What happens if I kiss you instead?"

The bluenette didn’t reply with words as she knew how terrible her words would be in her flustered state. But she wanted this, her heart longed for it in a way it never did for anyone else. Instead, she nodded, giving the green-eyed boy permission to do as he wished.

She felt his hand lightly tilt her chin up towards, where she presumed, his face was. Then he pressed his lips onto hers, his other had behind her head, tugging at the fabric around her eyes. Marinette felt bliss, she was glad that no one else would interrupt this moment. Shivers went down her spine as she felt Damian’s hands travel up from behind her neck and to wear the blindfold was knotted, gently tugging at the binding. She was glad that when her face was free from the fabric that comprised her vision, the first thing in her line of eyesight were Damian's deep emerald eyes, the shimmered the same way they had when she first laid eyes on him, she'd been enraptured ever since. The boy, however, was smirking as he noticed the pink that dusted her face. Without a moment passing, she threw herself the green-eyed boy, delivering a hug. As she pulled away, her hands cupped his face and she returned his embrace with one of her own. When she pulled away once more, she smiled in satisfaction at his flustered expression.

"When did you realise you had feelings for me?" Marinette asked softly, her forehead pressed against his trying to regain her breath.

"That's a very easy question" Damian stared lovingly into her eyes. "I fell the moment I saw you take down that Akuma three times your size" Her eyes widened.

"You know about me being Ladybug?"

"The same way you know I'm Robin"

They both smiled, creating a truce to not reveal anything.

"Well I better get going, see you later." She got up from the bed and opened the door, only to turn around and say "Je t'aime mon cœur" before exiting the room, leaving a blushing Damian.

Marinette walked back down the stairs, the piece of cloth in hand and small love-struck smile on her face. When she entered the main living room, she came face to face with the owner of the manor.

"Oh hello Mr Wayne"

"Hello Marinette, I see you managed to get the blindfold off" The older man gestured towards the piece of fabric in her hand. "And please, do call me Bruce. Who did you end up surprising with a hug then?"

She smiled brightly before replying. "Damian"

His usual formal demeanor broke for a moment but Bruce quickly picked the pieces back up. "He didn't attack you or injure you in any shape or form?"

Marinette decided to play the oblivious little girl. "No..? Why, does he do it often?" Her head titled in confusion.

"Nothing it doesn't matter" Bruce simply sighed and shook his head. "Also, there's something I'd like to discuss with you at dinner, if you don't mind"

"No not at all, I'll see you at dinner then?" Bruce nodded and left, leaving Marinette alone in the room, waiting for her honorary older brother and his brother to come in. Which they did but only after some time, it was hilarious to see them crouched down, talking to each other in hushed voices. They flinched as she cleared her throat, both slowly turning towards the sound to find a smug looking Marinette and a blindfold whipped around her finger.

"I win"

~~~

Most of the occupants at the table were either in an all out war or were about to be, except for Marinette and an exasperated Bruce Wayne.

"So Marinette" The eldest Wayne began, silencing the rest of the table. "I hope you don't mind me asking but when you were off searching for Jason, you mentioned attacks that have been occurring in Paris, is this true?"

No one failed to notice the girl flinch. "Yeah it's true"

"...how bad are the attacks? In your opinion"

"Well it depends on how strong the person's emotions are really. If their emotions are strong, then the Akuma is strong too"

"What's the strongest akuma that Paris has seen?" It was Tim who asked and memories of the event began swimming through her mind, she got rid of them with a shake of her head.

"The deadliest akuma Paris has experienced was an akuma called 'Syren'. She's a regular person but, as an akuma, she managed to kill around 2 million people. But don't worry! Ladybug's cure managed to bring them back to life"

"D-did... did you die, Pixie?" Jason asked, his anger mixed with worry was boiling over and luckily simmered after seeing her shake her head.

"Do you think the heroes of Paris would let heroes from the Justice League come over to help?"

Marinette contemplated for a moment, should she really risk the heroes getting akumatized? "I think they would but I wouldn't know"

Bruce nodded while Jason leaned over the table to talk closer to his honorary little-sister. "Why didn't you tell me sooner?"

"I didn't want to bother you"

"You're not a bother, Pixie" Jason smiled at the bluenette on the other side of the table. "You never are and you never will be"

~~~

Marinette returned to Paris a few days later, in the mean time, Bruce and the rest of the batfam were planning their visit to the City of Love. Soon enough, the vigilantes were boarded on the plane. Their flight to Paris was relatively silent. After a few hours, they landed and the vigilantes waited on the Eiffel Tower, only to find out there was a battle going on. Before they could engage in the fight, they were engulfed with magical ladybugs that seemed to fix anything destroyed. As they were mesmerized by the cure, a certain spotted-heroine wobbly landed on the platform. Batman was first to notice.

"Ladybug" His voice caused the others to turn around. "Thank you for allowing us into your city"

Ladybug nodded, not uttering a single word.

"We were hoping, with your permission of course, that we could help you be rid of Hawkmoth once and for good" Again, Ladybug didn't reply. "Ladybug?"

When the heroine didn't respond, Batman glanced at Nightwing and the rest of his sons, clearly something was wrong. Unexpectedly, Robin took his glove off, approached the Ladybug-themed hero and placed his hand onto her forehead.

"You have a fever" he stated, his hand trailing down her face to cup her cheek. His family all shot him weird looks. She tiredly blinked at the vigilante, recognising him as Robin and allowed herself to fall into his arms, detransforming while doing so, leaving a burning hot Marinette.

"Dami?" He hummed. "Take me home, please..." She drifted off to sleep, comforted in her lover's arms. He glanced at his family, holding the bluenette close.

"Pixie...is Ladybug?" Red Hood's voice was first.

"You didn't know?" Robin's voice mocking confusion, enraging Red Hood that his youngest brother knew something about his sister that he didn't. Even more so that his demon brother was holding said sister,

"We should take her back home" Dick went over to feel the girl's forehead. "She's burning"

"Tikki?" Robin asked and a red creature flew out from one of Mari's pockets, startling most of the people there.

"I'll try to heal her on the way, follow me"

The floating red creature flew down from the Eiffel Tower, Robin and Marinette close behind. After some hesitation, the others followed, they ended up on top of a bakery. One by one, they entered through the trapdoor on the balcony, finding both Damian with his mask off and a weak looking Marinette. Despite her enfeebled state, the bluenette greeted each vigilante, her gaze landed on Jason.

"It's just a fever, I'll be fine"

Jason removed his helmet and ran a hand through his hair before both settled on his hips. "You don't look fine"

"I promise I am" She wasn't convincing, not at all.

"Fine" Jason huffed, he could never truly say no to the girl he viewed as his little sister. "But since when were you two a thing" He pointed at the two, his gaze resting maliciously on Damian.

"It's all thanks to you, you know" Marinette smirked at Jason's confusion. Tim snickered as he seemed to catch on to what she was saying.

"Had you not organized that 'blindfolded game', I doubt we would be together at this moment" Damian supplied the information, clearly unfazed by the burning rage in the eyes of his older brother.

"Baby Bird's all grown up" The eldest Wayne son overdramatized wiping a fake tear, Batman sighed at his two eldest sons while pinching the bridge of his nose.

"Get your fucking hands off her, Demon Brat!" Jason tried to lunge at Damian, only to be stopped by both Dick and Tim. Though his fury only grew when Marinette snuggled closer to the green-eyed boy, both smirked in victory over Jason's horrified appearance.

Marinette was now part of the family in more ways than one. Though they wish they had found out in better circumstances, they would be able to take down Hawkmoth once and for all, side by side, all together. And to think this all happened because of a silly blindfold game.

[arashikitten]

Monkie Kid Soulmate Au

Thank you, MKD, for helping me create this monstrosity. 

I noticed there weren’t any soulmate au’s for Monkie Kid yet so I decided to make one Myself!

In this au, there are three types of soulmate a person can have: the typical romantic soulmate, platonic soulmate (i.e. best friends, family, things of that nature), and enemy soulmates (rivals, nemesis, mortal enemies, things along that line). People can have multiple soulmates, and in fact it is very common for people to have three or more at any given point! It is also possible for someone to have only one or two types of soulmate: for example, someone who is asexual might only have platonic soulmates and/or enemy soulmates. 

As for how one identifies their soulmate, a small mark/symbol will appear on the wrist, palm, or back of the person a year before they meet their soulmate in person, at which point the mark will take on color. The placement of the marks often determines the type of bond: a mark on the palm indicates a romantic bond, on the wrist indicates a platonic bond, and on the back indicates an enemy bond (that being said, there have been instances where this rule does not apply).

Now that that’s out of the way, let’s get into the meat of this au!

Red Son is born with two soulmarks: A stylized, cartoon bull head, and a large, red and gold fan. They both appear on his back, and from a young age, he tries to ignore the possibility that his own parents may one day become his worst enemies. He grows up very close to DBK and Iron fan: he wants desperately to maintain a good relationship with them, and he ends up cutting off any sort of interaction with anyone else.

DBK gets sealed under the mountain, and Red’s world shatters. Both he and Iron fan grieve for a long time, and Red Son now feels even more alone. 

So, he starts attempting to free his father from his prison under the mountain.

Fast forward about 300 years, to when MK is born without a single mark. He grows up and for ten years, his palms, wrists and back remain blank.

Then, about a month after his tenth birthday, a small, grey dragon appears, wrapped around his wrist, along with a grey cartoon pig wearing a chef’s hat (Pigsy) and a small cicada (Mr. Tang). 

Six months later, MK gets kicked out of his home, living on the streets for five months until, late one night, Pigsy finds him in the alleyway next to the noodle shop (The small stylized monkey face on Pigsy’s wrist glows with color. He and Tang adopt Mk two weeks later.). 

Mei walks into the shop about a month later, while Tang is telling MK a story from Journey to the West. All three of the soul marks on her wrist light up, and she and Mk become best friends over a game of Monkey mech.

Six years later, Red Son wakes up with a grey, stylized Monkey face on his palm, and a small dragon wrapped around his left wrist. He despises them both; he begins wearing finger-less gloves, if only so that he doesn’t have to see the grinning face of the Demon who sealed his father away staring up at him every day. Besides, he doesn’t need other soul mates: Once his father is free, Red Son’s family will be whole again, and they will rule the world with an iron fist (Note that at this point, Red is in complete denial that DBK and Iron fan could be his enemies: the fact that their marks showed up on his back indicates that they will become his worst enemies, so Red has spent his entire life trying desperately to ensure that doesn’t happen.). (He still fails in the end)

Mei and Mk both wake up that same morning with a new soulmark: A small, stylized flame that appears on Mk’s palm and on Mei’s wrist. They both gush to each other about it over a bowl of noodles, Mei is excited to get a new bestie while Mk is freaking out over the fact that he may have a boyfriend/girlfriend in a years time (Note: I 100% headcanon Mk as both gay and trans: but I like to think he struggled a bit more with his sexuality. At this point, Mk is still questioning it a bit, but by the time the events of episode one roll around, he’s pretty sure of his identity. Mei is ace, Red Son is Bi, Pigsy is Pan, and Mr. Tang is gay.). Mk also gains a small peach on his right wrist, and he and Mei speculate as to why only Mk got a second mark (Way up on Flower Fruit Mountain, Sun Wukong gains a new soul mark for the first time in 400 years. This prompts him to begin looking into possibly getting a successor).

Mei, Mk, Pigsy, and Mr. Tang also get two marks on their backs: a demon head and an iron fan. Mk and Mr. Tang, upon seeing what exactly the marks are, absolutely freak out. They both firmly believe that the marks represent DBK and Princess Iron fan, and the implication that two very powerful demons might be going after them in a year’s time is more than enough to scare the two. Pigsy and Mei are a bit more skeptical, citing that DBK and Iron fan are just myths, and even if they weren’t, DBK would still be trapped under the mountain by the Monkey King’s staff. 

This only freaks the other two out more, as that carries the implication that DBK will be free to wreak havoc on the world in a year’s time. So, MK and Mr. Tang begin to delve even deeper into the lore surrounding DBK and Sun Wukong, desperately trying to prepare just in case (Sun Wukong actually happens to overhear one of these study sessions while he’s out searching for a successor, and is impressed by Mk’s knowledge of him. He decides to keep an eye on the kid, and eventually makes the choice to make him his successor.).

As the year progresses, MK gets three new enemy marks:a dark grey spider on his shoulder (It scares the hell out of MK the first time he sees it, and he smacks it multiple times before realizing that it’s not an actual spider. He then proceeds to panic even more when he realizes it’s a soulmark.), a more menacing version of Mk’s own soul mark that appears on his lower back (three guesses as to who that one belongs to), and finally, a pale grey skull right in the middle of Mk’s shoulder blades, larger than any other soulmark so far. With each new enemy mark, Mk becomes more and more nervous: Just what will happen to give him so many enemies?

Meanwhile, Red Son gains only one new mark: the same pale grey skull, right in between the fan and the bull head. This one worries Red Son the most: while he has never actually seen the white bone spirit, he’s heard several disturbing horror stories over the years, and the idea of becoming allies or gods forbid, enemies with the cruel creature makes the fire demon nervous. 

Then, we get to the pilot. Red frees his father, MK gets the staff, and the chase across the city ensues. Red returns to the lair empty handed and bruised. He heads to his room to patch up, when he notices a small flare of bright, emerald green on his wrist. Pulling off the finger-less gloves, Red Son sees that the dragon is now a bright, glowing green. The mark on his palm has also taken on a color, bright reds mixing with vibrant golds as the colored monkey mark on his palm smiles up at him. 

That’s when it clicks: The only two people he’d encountered today, aside from his mother and father, are the Noodle Boy and the mysterious person on the bike. 

Red Son furiously vows that he will never, ever side with the Noodle boy, even if it kills him, and he will remain steadfastly loyal to his mother and father (From then on, he takes extra care to hide his palms and wrists from his parents, out of the intense fear that they will cast him out if they learn of who exactly the marks represent.) (it doesn’t work).

Meanwhile, Mk is freaking the fuck out. He can wield the Monkey King’s staff, he just saw one of the most powerful demons get freed from a 300+ year prison, confirming his theory that DBK and Iron fan are the two marks on his shoulder blades (Both of which, Mk notes, gained color that day, further confirming that they relate to DBK and Iron fan.), he got chased all over town by Red Son (who Mk recognizes from the myths), and to top it all off, the flame mark on his palm turned a bright, royal blue sometime between him leaving to deliver noodles, and him getting back to the shop, and the only other person that Mk encountered during that time that even remotely fits the mark is, you guessed it, Red Son. 

Mk relays all of this to the gang, at which point Mei notices that the flame on her wrist has also turned bright blue, providing even further confirmation. Mk is very much bummed out by this, because out of all the people that could’ve been the fire on his palm, of course it had to be the demon who attempted to kill him.

Still, Mk pushes that to the side in favor of focusing on finding the Monkey King. 

The pilot continues much in the same way as in canon, with one notable exception: When Iron Fan shows up on the gang’s way to Flower Fruit mountain, she sees the small blue flame on MK’s palm. Putting two and two together, she realizes that her son is soulbound to MK, and that this bond may eventually cause Red to turn on his parents, which is why Iron Fan and DBK begin to push him away in later episodes. 

After that, things resume canon again: MK survives and gets to Flower Fruit Mountain, Wukong tells him that he chose Mk to be his successor (Which is when the peach mark on MK wrist gains color, and Mk proceeds to lose his entire shit over the fact that holy fuck, he’s soul bonded to Sun freaking Wukong. Wukong finds this both utterly hilarious and a little bit adorable.), the big fight between DBK and Mk happens, yada yada yada. The day is saved, and Mk goes home with his newfound powers.

Episode one is where we begin to see more long-term changes. By this point, both DBK and Iron fan know that their son is bound to the little thief, most likely romantically, and that their own blue flame mark is located on their backs, implying that Red Son will most likely turn against them in the near future. So, they start to distance themselves from him. 

They send Red to take control of the weather station and defeat MK, something that both of them know will end in failure. Red Son is oblivious to this (not really) and gladly takes on the task, desperate to prove himself. And t first, it seems that Red is actually successful!

...Before Mk comes back with a new grip on his powers and absolutely destroys Red Son. 

Red Son goes back to the lair, sparks still flying off of him, and on his way to his room, he overhears quiet conversation between his parents.

Curious, he quietly listens in, and finds out that not only do his parents know about the mark on his palm (How??? How did they find out???), but they are also planning on a way to get him “out of the picture”. 

Red Son absolutely panics at this revelation, and begins to spiral into waves of self-loathing and intense anxiety. Now he is desperate to remain on his parent’s good side by any means necessary, and so he buries himself in plans and research on powerful artifacts that he can steal for his father. 

While that’s going on, Mk meets the spider queen (The Spider on his shoulder becomes purple and green, and Mk spends three hours scrubbing at it in the shower that night), the whole clone thing happens, Mei gets her sword, and the calabash incident goes down (the main difference here is that when Mk hears that Red Son was also sealed away with his parents, Mk feels inexplicably upset about it: as much as he dislikes the fire demon, there’s still a small part of him that desperately wants them to be friends.). At this point, both Mk and Mei have kinda just accepted that the blue flame mark exists, and they don’t pay it too much attention, even if Mk kinda wants to know more about the hotheaded fire demon.

Then the race rolls around. At this point, Red is a nervous, paranoid wreck, his self esteem (which really wasn’t all that great to begin with) is deteriorating at a frightening speed, and he is desperate for a chance to prove to his parents that he is loyal, that he’s not worthless. 

So when he hears that the winner of this year’s great wall race will receive a peach of immortality, he rushes to apply for it. He excitedly tells Iron Fan, fervently hoping that she’ll at least listen to him, only to be crushed when she dismisses him out of hand, saying that even if the peaches could do  anything for them, it wouldn’t change all of Red Son’s failures in the past. Red Son, disheartened, still joins the race, and is absolutely furious when he sees that both Mk and Mei (When Red found out that she’s a descendant of one of the great dragons, he started calling her “Horse Girl” under the assumption that the dragon she is descended from was the dragon horse from Journey to the West) also entered. He starts arguing and bantering with them, and for just a moment, Red feels... content. Not happy, per se, but the constant anxiety and paranoia begins to lessen for a moment.

Then DBK and Iron fan show up, and Red Son goes silent. His back goes rigid, and his eyes glaze over a bit. Mei and Mk both take notice of the Fire demon’s sudden change in demeanor, and even though they still both think he’s a bit of a prick, they can’t help but be a bit concerned. 

Mk is actually about to say something to Red when Jin and Yin hijack the commentator’s box, and the race starts. 

The race goes mostly the same as in canon, with the main exeptions being that Red is far quieter and more focused, and Iron Fan’s taunts are much crueller and more demeaning.

Mei and Mk win, with Red Son getting second place. Instead of attempting to steal the peach trophy, Red Son just... watches them, looking almost broken as he watches the two celebrate. Mk, noticing the strange behavior, reaches out to ask if Red is ok (The reaction the fire demon had to his parents showing up set off all sorts of alarms in Mk’s head, because that had been exactly how he reacted back when he still lived with his parents.), only to be interrupted by DBK’s reemergence from the mountain. 

Iron fan tells Red Son that they are leaving, and Mk immediately picks up on what’s going on. He calls out to Red  just before Iron Fan’s winds whisk him away, and terrified look that the fire demon sends him confirms Mk’s suspicions.

That night, Mk comes up with a plan: He’s gonna get Red Son away from his parents, or die trying. The only other person who knows at first, is Mei: She also has Red Son’s soul mark, and while she’s not as keen on the fire demon as Mk is, she still doesn’t want him to have to deal with abusive parents.

While Mk is doing that, DBK and Iron Fan have fully leaned into the enemy role, disowning Red Son and keeping him locked away in the lair. Red just breaks down at this, and begins refusing to eat or move. All that time that he’d spent, desperately trying to maintain some sort of good relationship with his parents, for nothing. The only people that he could count on turned against him, and that loneliness hits him like a freight train. 

The only thing that brings him comfort, oddly enough, are the soul marks on his left palm and wrist: he takes to rubbing them whenever he feels particularly bad. By now, his feelings toward Mk and Mei are much closer to something positive: they both seemed concerned about him after the race, and where that might’ve pissed him off a few months earlier, now it comforts him with the knowledge that at least someone out there gives a damn. 

We get to episode 8, when Mk gets the skeleton key. Instead of Red Son being the one to steal the key, Iron fan is the one to do it, and she reveals her master plan:

She and DBK plan on releasing the White Bone Spirit from it’s prison, in order for it to possess Red Son so that both will be fully under their control.

Iron Fan gets away with the key, the White Bone Spirit possesses Red Son, and DBK and Iron Fan use him to wreck the entire city.

Mei and Mk do their best to avoid fighting Red Son: it feels so wrong every time they do clash, because they both know it’s not Red Son, they know he’s not the one in control, but it still hurts that they couldn’t get him out in time, that one of their soulmates is suffering like this. 

The final straw comes a week after the initial possession.

Mk is forced to fight a possessed Red son to protect a badly injured Pigsy. Mk begs for Red to fight back, to break free, knowing that the continued possession is taking a toll on the demon’s body. Mei joins him, insisting that Red is stronger than this, that he needs to think about the people that care about him. 

That is enough to allow Red to break through, just for a moment.

He steps back, tears streaming from his eyes as he brokenly whispers that if even his own parents can’t be bothered to care about someone as weak, as broken as he is, then who the hell would? Mei and Mk hate him, his parents disowned him, and it’s not like he really interacts with anyone else.

He is immediately taken by surprise when the two teens blurt out that even though they might’ve started out on opposite sides, that they never fully hated him. Mk in particular says that they were actually worried about Red Son after the race, that they were planning on getting him out before Iron fan stole the skeleton key, that they were still planning on helping him escape, that they really, actually care.

Red Son finally breaks free, and Mk seals the White Bone spirit away again. Mei and Mk beat the absolute crap out of DBK and Iron Fan, who end up escaping  again.

They take Red to one of the few remaining hospitals, so he can recover from his possession, and they make sure to get him some serious therapy while they’re at it. 

Red Son wakes up two days later to see Mei and Mk sitting by his hospital bed on either side of him, and they give him a warm smile when they see that he’s awake.

He cries for a bit as he realizes that it’s over. He’s free now, even if he doesn’t have anywhere to go anymore, and there are two people in the world who keep that blue flame close to their chest instead of turning their backs.

For the first time in over a year, Red doesn’t hide the marks on his wrist and palms.

After all, why should he from the ones who care for him the most?

[ejga-ostja]

Megamind dubs 1

I made this acc to post guilt-free about anything Megamind related so here!! My obscure hobby, watching and rating Megamind dubs : D I write a mini review for every dub, really unprofessional, just my raw thoughts, opinions and impressions, I thought this might be a good place to share them. I plan on doing these in batches of 6, I actually watched 8 so far but even this is gonna be quite lengthy so yea.

Anyways tho!! Here’s the first 6 dubs I’ve seen so far in order and my thoughts on them!

🇷🇺 RUSSIAN DUB 🇷🇺 Rating: 10/10 - Syncing is done REALLY well. - All the VAs are in character. - Emotional scenes keep their impact, done really well. - Hilarious names. - Minion's 'death' scene better in this dub than in english imo. - Just a few moments when I cringed at the voice acting, which is inevitable.

Megamind's voice: - Kinda hot. - Has good range. - Very in character!! Holy fuck. - Excellent evil laughter.

Individual voices: - Everyone is fantastic, Hal's voice is not my personal preference but it fits him.

🇫🇮 FINNISH DUB 🇫🇮 Rating: 10/10 - Just really well done all together!! - Syncing is done well. - Everyone does the character they play excellently. - Major emotional scenes keep their impact. - Minion's death scene is once again better dubbed. - The only dub I've seen that does 'but that's a poor lady's scream' gag right so far.

Megamind's voice: - Sounds too twinkish for my taste but you get used to it soon. - Very in character. - I don't like his evil laughters that much but they get better as the movie progresses. - He does Megamind's screams really well tho.

Individual voices: - Like I said EVERYONE does justice to the character they play it's great. Especially Roxanne's VA is fantastic for her. - Roxanne and Metro Man kinda hot. - Minion's Finnish voice is very fitting to him.

🇮🇹 ITALIAN DUB 🇮🇹 Rating: 6/10 - Syncing is done well. - Thought it was good at first but liked it less and less as it went on. - Major problem is that VAs do their characters fine, but their voice is usually unfitting. - Lots of bits from the original are kept in, sometimes it's good, sometimes it's distracting. - The Megamind fighting himself gag was much more lively than in the original, which made it super funny in a good way.

Megamind's voice: - He's very calm, too toned down, which didn't bother me at first, but became a problem as the movie went on, ESPECIALLY because there are a few bits where it's obvious the VA is capable of giving Megamind the energy his character needs. - However the calmness works to his advantage in sad scenes because BOY does he make Megamind sound sad. - His laughs are fun. - Although I don't like Roxanne's voice, it weirdly fits with Megamind's voice.

Individual voices: - Similar to Megamind most VAs are too toned down. - Roxanne is disappointing. She delivers all her lines well but her voice is painfully unfitting. - Metro Man suffers a similar problem but not as apparent. - Hal is fine, his voice is really similar to Jonah Hill's. - Minion is fantastic. Sounds more 'gentleman' than in the original but it's really fitting. I wanna be his friend.

🇩🇪 GERMAN DUB 🇩🇪 Rating: 7.5/10 - Not the best but I had a ton of fun watching it! - Unlike with the Italian dub, this one seemed to get better overtime. - Syncing was alright. - Megamind's voice is the best, everyone else has something holding them back. - Rain scene wasn't done justice, but Megamind in jail pre-Titan fight was done amazingly. - 'Poor lady's scream' gag done right again. - Screams/shouts were done really well with this cast.

Megamind's voice: - A bit too calm for Megamind, but delivers the right energy when needed. - Does comedic lines well. - His laughs are usually kinda weird. - Multiple occassions where he delivers the line same way Will Ferrell did which is great.

Individual voices: - Metro Man kinda sucks in this dub. - Roxanne's VA has a fitting voice, but doesn't quite nail the character. - Hal's VA is REALLY GOOD but his voice is super unfitting. - First dub of Minion I didn't like but can't quite pin down why.

🇸🇮 SLOVENIAN DUB 🇸🇮

Rating: 6.5/10 - Exceeded my expectations! - Was really fun, altho sometimes in a 'fun bc it's bad' way. - Syncing wasn't all that great. - Good in the beginning, lacked in the middle, then good towards the end again. - Most emotional scenes weren't that great. - The Roxanne rejecting Hal scenes was weirdly awful compared to the rest of the dub. - Translations were fun, more witty than I expected. - Comedy is often lacking.

Megamind's voice: - Sounds very kind, I trust him. - Lacks Megamind's energy most of the time. - Pretty alright but nothing special.

Individual voices: - Hal's VA is FANTASTIC, has a fitting voice, nails his characters, speaks more casually than the rest of the cast which makes him appear more slimy somehow. - Metro Man and Roxanne are both fine, Roxanne does the best screams of any dub I've seen so far. - Minion's voice I don't like but only because it's too 'comedy relief character' type of vibe.

🇭🇷 CROATIAN DUB 🇭🇷 Rating: 8.5/10 - Really good dub! - Super strong in the first 30ish minutes. - Syncing done well. - Emotional/important scenes mostly keep their impact except for Megamind returning to jail/Roxanne calling out to him. - Poor lady's scream better than the original?? SOMEHOW???

Megamind's voice: - The highlight of this dub, he's fantastic. - Has a painfully twinkish voice but makes up for it in AMAZING energy and character. - Does comedy super well. - Not as impactful during emotional scenes but gets the job done.

Individual voices: - Roxanne's VA is interesting, she either sounds like Tina Fey with a bit more flare or a snotty teenager, but the latter is more rare as the movie progresses. Also she does squeak-screams which are ADORABLE. - Minion and Metro Man are fine, Hal's voice is somewhat unfitting but not too distracting.

CURRENT RATING (best to worst):

RUS, FIN, CRO, GER, SLO, ITA

[itsthemoofacewriting]

A postcard home

This is for the Tumblr event the wonderful @zonamievents organised, today’s prompts are postcard and hot cocoa. I picked the former.

Summary: Nami thinks she’s so smart and cunning, but she can’t pull the wool over her own sisters’ eyes. Rating: K.

This can also be found on AO3 and FFN.

I’ve never written a no dialogue story before and I wanted to try it.

Enjoy.

Snow had finally settled over Cocoyasi village. It was late this year and everyone in the village had wondered if this would be the first year that they wouldn’t have any before Christmas. It was a big topic for weeks and Nojiko was slightly relieved when it did arrive so everyone would stop talking about it. Although, it certainly did highlight a change for the better. Gone were the times of discussing Nami or hiding from Arlong and his crew when they rampaged or banding together when someone was short on money.

It was a lovely, mundane difference.

The only issue with the arrival of snow, other than villagers now moaning about how hazardous the snow was, was that it was a tough season for Bell-mère’s mikan orchard. Don’t get her wrong, it looked beautiful, snow settled on top of the trees and hints of orange poking through the white, but it meant smaller than usual mikan’s.

Nojiko’s brought out of those thoughts when she heard the crunching of shoes against snow and it’s the mailman looking slightly out of puff. It wasn’t really a quick trip to her house from the village and the snow only made it harder. But she doesn’t dwell on that, because seeing him meant that it could only be one thing being delivered and it had her skipping towards the door to meet him there.

The door’s shutting quickly after his first knock and it’s probably a bit rude, he had clearly wanted to chat, but they can do that anytime, she wanted to look at this as soon as possible. Her fingers are itching.

It had been a while since she’d heard from Nami.

The envelopes open and she’s greeted by the picture of a large Christmas tree, decorated to the nines, on the front of the postcard. It’s a generic picture but it’s normally whatever Nami can get hold of but Nojiko’s still slightly impressed she managed to predict when it’d get here and find one to match that. Their postcards could take anywhere from a month to six to get to the other.

Flipping it over, she scanned the message:

       Everything’s good. Nothing new.

Nami’s messages were always short and to the point. It was hardly like Nami could go into great detail. Firstly, where would she find the time? And secondly, information was brief so nothing could be traced should the postcard be intercepted. And that was fine, it was enough just to know her sister was okay. Also, it meant if information was brief Nami would send photos along in an envelope with the postcard and she loved those.

And low and behold, there they were behind the postcard.

They were hardly ever works of art, but they were always fun and just from those still images Nojiko knew Nami was having the time of her life. Like she deserved to. Also, it was nice to see her sister, even if it wasn’t in person.

But the photo she’s currently looking at is a stark contrast to her sister’s words on the postcard. It’s a group shot of the crew and its chaos, some looking at the camera like good models, others laughing or bickering or extra limbs were sticking out of them, but that’s not what caught her attention.

It’s the man standing next to Nami.

Roronoa Zoro.

She remembered his stern expressions well from back then, always ready for the worst and, she reckoned, hoping for it at times if the blood thirsty gleam in his eyes she’d seen briefly was any indication. But she’d seen first-hand how all of that would melt away after victory or when he was offered alcohol and would laugh at the antics of his crew. A brute with a soft heart, it seemed.

To an average person, with no knowledge of the people in the photo, it would look like nothing, but call it a sister’s intuition… and, okay fine, the trashy gossip magazines she’s been buying to keep tabs on her sister between postcards, it’s certainly not an accurate description of Nami’s words ‘nothing new.’

They’re stood close together in the chaos, much closer than what one would deem friendly (Maybe she’s being over critical, sue her), neither facing the camera as they looked to be arguing. Nami’s finger is pointing at his chest and their faces are close as they exchange words, Usopp’s next to them looking exasperated. So nothing new apparently.

She’d seen the way those two were around each other before they’d left the village and she’d quietly hoped there would be some development. She had to play it cool with Nami though, show too much interest and she’d never find out without a face-to-face conversation. But with how brief their postcards are, she’s left analysing photos and trashy magazines with blurry photos of the two of them together. One time, it looked like they had been kissing off in the distance, but the quality was so poor most people didn’t believe it. But Nojiko could spot her sister anywhere.

Was it too much to ask for photographers to focus their damn snail before taking photos?

Nevertheless it was enough for Nojiko. Flicking through the rest of the photos she was disappointed that there was no more of the two together. Nami was such a tease, dangling a carrot in front of her just out of reach. But she couldn’t be too disappointed when she came across the photo of Nami with her mikan trees… and if she squinted, was there a splash of green hair she saw hidden in the trees?

Nojiko wasn’t born yesterday, Nami’s definitely playing with her. She’d spent her childhood growing up with Nami, she knew her sister like the back of her hand. But it still amused her that Nami tried to trick her, make her work for the information. It’s so like her.

A real witch, you might be tempted to say.

Quite fitting really. A brute and a witch, both too soft for their own good at times.  

In the quiet of her little home, she went back to the first of the photos and was still as she gazed down at the photo, almost like she was trying to soak it all in. Her gaze occasionally taking in the rest of the crew, but ultimately it stayed on Nami. Taking in her long orange hair playing in the wind, eyebrows furrowed and mouth open like she’s in the middle of a lecture. Despite the expression, there’s no weight to Nami’s expression, like there used to be back then. It made Nojiko happy. That was what she’d always wanted for her, wanted her to be where she belonged- at sea, even if it split them apart.

And it seemed Zoro had a part to play in that now, even if it wasn’t one hundred percent confirmed (To Nojiko it was but try telling that to the other villagers).

With one last long look at her sister, Nojiko was opening the envelope again to slip in the postcard and photos, ready to venture down to the village to show the others. However, as she did, the items were met with resistance and when she peered in, she’d missed something else.

Another photo.

With the new photo in hand, Nojiko’s serene smile curled into something much sharper. A mixture of glee and smugness that screamed ‘I knew it!’. It was probably for the best Nami wasn’t here, because that look alone would have her back up, like a cornered cat.

There was less of the crew is this photo, only the five that had been at Arlong park and it looked like they’d finally got their act together. All of them looking at the camera, Luffy’s arms stretched around to bring them all in and even with less of them, it still managed to be just as busy.

But that’s not what caught her eye, no. It’s the arm that’s wrapped around Nami’s waist and a Nami’s head resting on a shoulder. An arm that belonged to Zoro and Nami’s head on his shoulder. Both of them are smiling at the camera, leaning into one another and Nojiko doesn’t have to read between the lines this time to have her confirmation that they are indeed together.

She doesn’t stop to stare at it like the others because she’s too giddy and excited to stand still.

With a skip in her step, she’s shoving the photos and postcard into the envelope and slipping on her coat as she made her way towards the door. All the while thinking about how she wanted to play this with Genzo, so she could get the best possible reaction from him. He’d be horrified no matter what, but she really wanted to milk it. She had to get her kicks somehow.

And, she had some money to collect from some villagers. She was Nami’s sister after all, she’s always down for some easy cash- she just has no idea why they bet against her.

.

.

.

Two months later

It’s warm, the sun’s high and they’re making good progress towards the next island. For the time being, it’s something that doesn’t require her attention and she’s just about to walk across the deck to join Robin for some sunbathing when she heard the familiar cry of the News Coo.

Looking into the sky, it circled a few times before starting its descent and Nami was walking over to meet the bird at the railing.

Unlike the normal newspaper she bought weekly, it was a sealed envelope and Nami was quickly paying off the bird, barely taking notice of the price increase, so she could quickly open her letter. There was only one person this could be from.

The postcard was simple, just a picture of an orange cat, but based on the photos that slipped out of the envelope, it’d been sent around Christmas. Nojiko and Genzo were in one of the photo’s surrounded by snow.

She looked at it for a moment longer, thinking about where she would frame the photo before turning her attention to the letter. Nami had thought it was hilarious when she’d sent her postcard off to Nojiko, just leaving enough crumbs for her to figure it out so when she flipped the card to read the message, she gave a short, sharp laugh.

Nojiko had figured it out alright.

       Nice try. Since when did you take an interest in plant life?

-------------------

By plant life, am I referring to Zoro’s nickname Marimo? Yes, yes, I am.

I love the thought of Nami and Nojiko sending little postcards and photos to one another.

As always, please forgive any errors (especially as I rushed this to post on time).

Thanks for reading.

[deathvsthemaiden]

ok wait after u sent me that ask i have to know ur top books!!! dw if u don't feel like it but i would love to hear them 🌷

This is so sweet and considerate! Thank you Eva, you gave me 5 so I’ll try to keep it to that # as well 💖🐰 off the top of my head:

🌷 The Stormlight Archive series, especially the second book, Words of Radiance. Stormlight is like 4 books + 2 novellas right now, and is projected to be 10 books and ???novellas eventually. And on top of that each main book is 1000+ pages and while you can read Stormlight on its own, most of the other books by the author, Brandon Sanderson, are part of this larger fictional universe called the cosmere. Each series takes place on a different planet, and if you are invested in the whole cosmere, there’s Easter egg references to other series in other series. So like! While I rec these books often, most people understandably don’t take me up on it wgshshh 🤭 Sanderson’s non-Stormlight books are all MUCH shorter but also much more flawed imo. Like I wouldn’t count him among my favorite authors were it not for Stormlight. anyway I’m a die hard fantasy fan so the length didn’t deter me, and I picked these up because a friend told me the world building in these books was genuinely unique instead of the typical very lazy maps composed of like. Fantasy Russia and its hostile mysterious neighbors Fantasy General East Asia and Fantasy Africa lol. and she was right! The world building is exquisite and refreshing and almost every character is canonically of color. They live in a society with an eye color based caste system and it’s.., so hard to sum up this massive series with four main characters and a ridiculous(ly fun) amount of plot lines, so I’ll cut this short and say 1) the first book, The Way of Kings, is highly expository but the ending is so so worth it, and if you enjoy the ending you’ll find merit in continuing with the series 2) Words of Radiance is my favorite book so far partially because I haven’t read the newest, Rhythm of War, yet, and also because it’s the book with the most scenes that solidified Kaladin Stormblessed (one of the main characters) as one of my favorites of all time. Another one of the best things about this series is how Brandon Sanderson portrays mental health in very natural ways, and it makes Kaladin’s growth so incredibly soothing to follow (I MEAN. He has low points that sometimes hit too close to home, but it makes you root for him harder) he really is just. Truly my definition of a hero, if we wanna get cheesy about it, and I had to pick one solid example. I love him so much this isn’t even the tip of the iceberg as to why 😭!

🌷Jane Eyre. Silly frivolous teenaged girl that I am this book swept me off my feet when I first read it and I condone every problematic aspect of it❤️ (I DONT ofc but like! I love drama and being played like a fiddle by narratives and the book delivered on both fronts! And it couldn’t have without its unsavory plot twist soooo 😙💖) (the hate this book and especially one specific character gets is funny to me just because like. Hate for the former (imo) usually stems from people taking the book too seriously while simultaneously missing the point (JE and du Maurier’s Rebecca (highly influenced by the former) are oft considered loose Bluebeard retellings for a reasonnnn!) and hate for the latter is usually just like. Warranted and then taken over the top like... he’s just a fake funny little man you guys :( and the book would’ve been boring if he wasn’t so twisted and out of touch and passionate ): not to mention I do personally in a mean ish way think it’s funny how for some people this character is one of the worst examples of men they can imagine. Like good for Them! I don’t want them to have lower standards for horribleness in people But also omg 🤭 it just reminds me of how... irony of all ironies, I’m semi frequently told I’m too harsh on real life men and then when I love twisted ones in books (for being funny and entertaining and good solid characters) I like. get the most interesting side eyes (whether figurative or literal) bwjswnhshe anyway I have nothing against Austen, I definitely enjoy her, but from what I’ve read so far, I prefer the Brontës a lot more... I need adventure! Show me horror show me rot etc etc❤️ also I’m. A stupid sucker so the fact that the book was Charlotte Brontë’s attempt to write a plain looking lady protagonist and to make her praiseworthy and virtuous and worthy of spellbinding romance makes me... 💗💓💕

🌷Keturah and Lord Death — Martine Leavitt. I haven’t seen it officially stated anywhere but to me it’s p clear this book is a retelling of/highly inspired by Godfather Death (the Grimm tale) Very simple, predictable but effective plot, and the characters are just. So much fun. From my url you can probably tell I love stories in which women (or anyone but you know. Death and the Maiden is its own trope for a reason) outsmart/face off against death. If they also k*ss, when done right, I think that’s swell as well.

🌷A Thousand Splendid Suns — Khalid Hosseini. By far the heaviest book I will mention in this ask, and I don’t rec it willy nilly for that and a few other reasons. It’s a forever fave to me because I read it at the exact right time in my life, where I was like... noticing a ton of things irl and things at home were tumultuous, and when I saw very similar things unfold in this book while I was being silenced and made to feel crazy by the adults around me, it meant so much to me to see reality as I was experiencing it in real time reflected back at me via this novel. The context of the story is wildly different from my own life and the stakes the characters face are far higher, and it is if I remember right mostly a novel about the horrors of war, which isn’t something I pretend to have any firsthand experience with, but! It was legitimately cathartic to read when I read it, and it especially meant a lot to me at the time that the author was a grown man. Not to mention how my mother is not and never has been a reader, and somehow the one and only book I ever managed to get her to read was this. Hilariously she got mad at me for only (“only”) reading depressing things (there’s... a grain of truth to that but she doesn’t need to know! 🤫) but also... she was hooked I could tell! (I got all tmi explaining this one gag I’m so sorry)

🌷A Slight Trick of the Mind — Mitch Cullin. Retirement-era Holmes! Holmes as an old man! A sad old man who keeps bees!! It’s the novel the movie Mr. Holmes was based off of (haven’t seen it yet) and I was not expecting it to get me all sentimental like it did 🤨😪 but anyway it’s like. A prolonged character study and explores some of the most interesting (to me, anyway) parts of Holmes that are only lightly touched upon in canon, like his occasionally huge follies when navigating his few close relationships and how he copes with them afterwards, his fatigue at the random injustice of the world, how he’s often mistaken both by characters that surround him and people irl as a man without feelings, etc etc. like there’s no Dr. Watson or Mrs. Hudson in this book, and the people he interacts with are almost entirely original characters, but as I listened to the audiobook it barely occurred to me to miss Watson and Hudson (I know! 😦) and the author’s original characters interacted with Holmes so believably that I sometimes forgot they weren’t ever Doyle’s. Def recommend to any flexible Holmes fan that’s not a total stickler for canon (though you don’t actually have to know much about Holmes to read this book and enjoy it! 🐝)

🌷Sleepless — Sarah Vaughn + Leila del Luca. I began with the longest book, so let me end with the shortest. It’s a 2 volume long graphic novel series and that it’s so short is the only long standing, legitimate complaint I have of it! Gorgeous art, really effectively written romance, a dark skinned girl who gets to be the proactive, lively protagonist and stunning, pined after love interest at the same time, a cast of characters that is majority of color, the perfect %-age of drama and angst etc etc. if you can find it via your library or online or smth, you can knock it out in one sitting and leave the experience eternally altered in the funnest way 👁👄👁

Honorable mentions: The Botany of Desire — Michael Pollan, Troubling Love — Elena Ferrante, The Girl from the Garden — Parnaz Foroutan

[thelazywitchsblog]

So I'm rewatching the Twilight and I have some thoughts:

I actually want to stand in the sun with two cactuses without any judgy stares

Twilight has one of the best soundtracks and I love the shot over the mountains

You mean 3121 people now heh?

OMG WHERE'S THE TRUCK DRIVER?! I'm getting Kdrama Goblin vibes

Charlie is such an awkward bean I love it.

One bathroom.

WHY DO YOU HAVE SO MANY LAMPS BELLA?!

Purple is cool.

I actually want to watch a movie of Charlie's point of view.

Ouch Jacob...you okay?

Why did she park her truck like that?

OMG Eric's hair.

Same Bella same. We both suffer in silence.

I'm so glad we don't use the term "chillax" anymore.

Here's Matt.

Aaaaaaaand here comes Jessica.

She isn't even that funny Matt.

Okay that's embarrassing. She's the new girl. Give her some peace boys.

Aaaaaaaand here comes the Cullens.

Rosalie is hot.

I have a crush on Jasper. And Alice.

Hi Edward.

Why did Bella make that face? 😂😂😂😂😂

Wow Edward. Rude much?

What's that on Edward's wrist?

Don't glare at the new girl Edward.

Forgot to add that it's weird Jess called Bella's entry as "the shiny new toy" and Edward compares her to the same thing in Midnight Sun.

Whelan is creepy.

Wtf is "Butt-Crack Santa"? I want to know more.

Why is Emmett standing at the back of the truck?

That looks like a Hippie Van.

I like Bella's outfits.

That's the most awkward "Hello" in the history of greetings.

That was such a weird expression on Bella's face.

Carlisle is hot.

Charlie pulling the curtains shut is 😂😂😂😂😂

Of course Charlie will tell your mom. She's your parent.

Could you have that discussion somewhere else? For people who want to keep a secret, having a conversation about it in a hallway isn't the best way to go.

Why is Bella so pale?

"I hope you enjoy disappointment." So dramatic I might use this line.

Matt is so awkward. Everyone in this movie is awkward.

I love the biology teacher lol

"You don't even say hi to me." "Hi" Lol Edward is a troll 😂😂😂

The worm thing is the proper representation of "Boys being Boys"

I regret watching this movie.

Who styled Jasper's hair? Why is it so....curly and looking like a mop?

What did that food do to you Edward?

Eric saying "La Push" that way is hilarious.

So Edward caught that apple and it became the cover page.

Eric is like "What date?!" Like dude, chill.

"You caught that huh?" Jacob she was right there! Of course she heard that.

I'm already wishing for this movie to end.

I feel like I stepped into a badly written Abercrombie ad.

Why isn't James wearing a shirt?

Omg Bella could literally have that book delivered to her via Amazon but no.... Have to go to Port Angeles cause plot.

That is the greenest apple I have ever seen.

I love the dress Angela is wearing.

That is creepy and disgusting.

Why did I get creepy vibes from the bookstore owner?

This is every girls' worst nightmare.

Yeah kick him in the balls Bella.

Did Edward just growl?

I would've preferred if Edward had run those guys over with his car.

Angela is a good friend.

I don't like Jessica.

Omg what is that monstrosity on that waitress's head?

"Special diet" yeah right.

Edward looks so horrified that Bella touched his hand.

I like that they wore seatbelts.

Don't they examine dead bodies at the hospital? Why is Carlisle at the Police Station examining Whelan's body?

Bella making the connections

I want to read that book.

She lives in the Pacific Northwest so why is she looking for legends from Egypt?

Bella has a death wish. Talk to him in public with lots of witnesses around. Not in the middle of nowhere where he can kill you.

Make up companies will kill to have that kind of skin glitter.

"Skin of a killer" wow Edward dramatic much?

This is hilarious 😂😂😂😂😂

That poor tree

"It doesn't matter" Bella wtf?! He admitted to killing people and you say it doesn't matter....

The music tho 😍

Edward looks so scared

Again, the music * chefs kiss *

Okay this scene is beautiful but they're lying on damp grass! That has got to be uncomfortable.

Not to mention the bugs.

Also, the way Bella is lying is weird.

About three things I am absolutely positive: first, Edward is a stalker. Second, Bella is weird. And third, Bella is stupid and has a death wish.

WHY DIDN'T EDWARD GLITTER IN THIS SCENE?! AND WHY IS HE WEARING SUNGLASSES?

Esme looked like she was having an orgasm.

Why is Edward sitting like that?

Is that a British accent Edward?

I want to live in the Cullen's house. It's so beautiful.

I like Edward's shirt. Blue suits him.

So much cheese.

Emmett looks so excited. I want him as my big brother.

I love this scene 😂😂

"She already ate" omg Edward why you gotta be so awkward?

This is awkward.

Omg Alice's entry is so cringy.

Jasper stop staring 😂

I can totally understand Edward cringing like that.

"No bed?" WHY DO YOU WANT TO SEE HIS BED BELLA?

OMG KISS ALREADY

That was such an awkward turn

Dudes, please do not ever call your gf as "spider- monkey". That's a Ben 10 character. Not a cute nickname.

That's a beautiful view.

Did I mention this movie has beautiful music?

Can someone play this piano piece for me?

DOGGY!!!!!!!

Matt don't be a possessive piece of shit.

Hello Stephanie.

Matt is weird

I like Renée

That's creepy Edward. Who climbs into other people's houses and watches them sleep? Creeps do.

Why aren't you creeped out Bella?

Bella is horny.

Oh Charlie you have no idea how old he is.

That gun cocking 😂😂😂😂 Protective Dad mode on

When I die someone scatter my ashes in the field they play baseball at.

Jasper 😍😍😍

Did Carlisle just say "nice kitty" to Rosalie? Weird.

Love the music.

What is this family's obsession with monkeys?! First "spider monkey" and now "monkey man"?! Wtf

Finally James has a shirt on!

Someone explain baseball to me.

Damn that breeze.

Them crouching and growling is hilarious to me for some reason.

Charlie is the best dad.

I feel bad for Charlie.

Charlie you poor baby 😭😭😭😭😭

Don't be a bitch Rosalie.

Oo he figured out he was tricked

I love Jasper and Alice. Especially Jasper.

It's a trick Bella. Don't believe him.

The Prologue.

I want to watch the Midnight Sun version of this.

Bella could've left a message for Alice or Jasper and James wouldn't have known.

You can see it in her face the moment she realized she was tricked.

My snarky ass would've gotten me killed sooner. "I took this from your house, hope you don't mind." "No of course not. Feel free to return it anytime you wish."

Pepper Spray on a Vampire. I give her points for trying.

James is a dramatic son of a b-i-tch.

I can't watch this. It's so cringy.

Edward what are you doing? Why is he arching like that?

Okay the entry of the others is good.

That was such a cringy line Carlisle. But whatever works.

Control yourself Alice.

I'm more invested in what's going on in the background then this.

Did Bella go crosseyed?

Control yourself Edward.

Did Robert sing this? I think he did.

I just realized that the colours in this movie is muted. No too bright colours unless necessary. It's visually pleasing in a way.

Bella is so clumsy that no one questions the story of her "accident".

If Phil is so worried why isn't he here at the hospital?

Edward's "sleeping" position is so weird. No normal human can sleep like that.

Edward has a problem of blaming himself for everything that happens to Bella. I mean, he's right but he shouldn't. Sometimes stuff happens but that doesn't mean it's someone's fault always.

The music 😍

The "sound" of that kiss was so....squelchy.

Edward and Charlie are so awkward with each other it's hilarious.

"You're perfect" and Charlie be like "really bro?"

Charlie be salty as hell to Edward and I wanna watch a movie where Charlie is hostile like this to Edward but is nice to Alice. It would be a great comedy movie.

Someone should sue the person who styled Taylor Laurent just for that wig alone.

OMG THAT'S VICTORIA!

Angela would've rocked that purple dress from earlier. She looks beautiful in this white (cream?) dress but that purple dress would've been better.

I love the gazebo and the lights set up that way. It's beautiful and romantic. Very visually pleasing.

The song 😍

Just bite her and get this over with. At least we wouldn't have four more movies and three more books about this.

Those sideburns lol.

Hello Victoria.

I love Victoria's bun but that swirl is...eh.

The song change tho....

Finally it's over. I'm debating whether I should rewatch the other movies or not.

[zumpietoo]

There are approximately a million serial killers on Riverdale (plus or minus a few), but thus far, only one of these serial killers is responsible for putting Betty Cooper in a hole. That's the Trash Bag Killer, aka TBK, and he is bad, bad news. Like, murdered multiple women, hacked off their limbs, and put their body parts in individual trash bags, bad news. When Betty tried to arrest him, he kidnapped and almost killed her — leading to awful PTSD and terrible nightmares. The worst of it all? Right now, we have absolutely no clue as to who the Trash Bag Killer is on Riverdale.At the moment, Betty is a bit tied up with a different (so we think) murderer: The person kidnapping and killing women off the Lonely Highway. Betty is convinced that Polly, her older sister, is one of his victims, though, thus far, there's only blood — and no body — to prove that Polly is dead. Either way, Betty is going to find out who is killing women in Riverdale, even if that means pressing pause on her Trash Bag Killer investigation and letting her pseudo boyfriend Glen take over TBK.Is it possible that the Lonely Highway Killer is the Trash Bag Killer? Totally, and I wouldn't put it past Riverdale to connect these two stories in one huge trauma-inducing season for Betty. However, right now, we don't know what, if any, connection these killers have. Until Riverdale gives us a few more clues, here's the suspect list for TBK thus far — including a few wild theories from our Clubhouse conversation with the Riverdale After Dark podcast.The Kinda

Obvious One: Glen I'll say it again: Glen is just Diet Charles. Betty's serial killer brother was also an FBI agent, also a blonde dude in his 20s, and also suspicious from the jump.We haven't seen a ton of Glen, but when we do, it's so he can tell Betty something new about whatever serial killer she's currently obsessed with. Yet because Glen is the one delivering the information to Betty — not unlike Charles, who always worked side-by-side with Betty on investigations despite secretly being a serial killer himself — Glen has total control over what Betty knows, and doesn't know.Is it possible that Glen is hiding info about TBK that would implicate him? Totally. Is it also possible that he's weirdly obsessed with Betty, the FBI agent who already had a ton of solved crimes on her resume before she joined the team? Absolutely, yes! And most importantly: If Glen isn't shady, well, why is he here?

The Blast From The Past: Chic Look, as far we know, Chic — aka the guy who pretended to be Charles, Betty's real brother — is still in prison. However, during The Dipp's joint Clubhouse with the Riverdale After Dark podcast, co-host Pete LePage reminded all of us that technically, Chic is just enough of a wild card to be considered a viable suspect. And honestly, I'm ready to have that conversation!For one thing, Chic would be so obsessed with Betty (his faux sister) to try and get her attention by murdering people. He also knows how to get rid of a body, considering he basically made the Cooper family accomplices in the death of "The Shady Man" during season 2. While it seems like Charles is also in jail too, I wouldn't be surprised if Chic was able to bust out of prison with resources his FBI boyfriend acquired during his time working for the government, be it a shady contact or legal loophole. I'm just saying — it could be Chic!

The Unlikely (But Imagine If They Went There!) Option: Jughead OK, but hear me out. This idea was brought up during The Dipp's Clubhouse event, in which Alex Zalben talked about an idea someone threw out on their Patreon's Slack channel."I don't want to take credit for it, but I love the idea that maybe it's Jughead and when he's blacking out, and he's becoming the Trash Bag Killer," Alex explained. "I don't think that's true, but I think it's a very funny, if dark theory."Well... what if it is true? We know that Jughead lost "a lot of time" during his drinking days in New York, and it's heavily implied that he has some trauma he's still reeling from that he simply cannot remember. While we don't know what this is yet, could this "missing time" and "trauma" all add up to Jughead secretly being a serial killer?!?Look, probably not. But we know that Jughead was pretty pissed at Betty, who, once again, cheated on him with his best friend during their senior year of high school. We know that he said something to her via voicemail that was so harsh, they never really spoke until they both showed up in Riverdale. Could Jughead's subconscious have turned him into a murderer, all as a way to exact revenge on new FBI agent Betty? It would be an insane twist.I highly doubt the show would go there — and as someone secretly hoping that Betty and Jughead end up together down the line, I'm not exactly itching for the show to detonate Jughead's character like that, just for a jaw-dropping twist. However, I do think it's possible for Jughead to believe, at least momentarily, that he is capable of being the Trash Bag Killer — and hey, maybe he's involved in the crimes in some non-murder-y way that he simply can't remember.

The Let Down: It's No One We Know Shockingly, not all serial killers can live in Riverdale — even on Riverdale. We know that TBK killed women all over the country, and it's quite possible that the serial killer solely exists so that Betty feels extra guilty and determined to track down Polly's potential killer: In her mind, she already let women die because she couldn't solve the TBK case.Still, that doesn't mean we won't ever meet TBK, or that his presence won't become known in some way on Riverdale."I don't think it's anybody secretly," Alex shared with The Dipp. "I think it's just this external thing, not connected to the Lonely Highway, not connected to the Mothman, but is this pressure on Betty from the outside that eventually he is going to work his way back to Riverdale. It's going to come in at the most inopportune moment and really mess things up. But otherwise, [I think] this is an unrelated mystery that's propelling Betty and putting stress on her throughout the season."This makes a lot of sense, actually. Maybe TBK will show up, whether physically or just in terms of the story, just as Betty is finally tying up all her other cases. Still, not as much fun as the Jughead of it all, right?

Umm.....how is Jughead, the show's actual hero, being the killer, "fun", exactly? Also, naturally, they got that theory from Mr. 58 Seconds, who is also a fucking moron....Again, a shit ton that fully disproves this. If anything, I'd more buy BETTY, in that case. Still not getting their desperate obsession with making Jughead shady.

They even admit, Chic's in prison....what I think is hilarious, if they gonna go with somebody younger (even tho we now know it's been happening for decades, but it's maybe a copycat----Glenn)....why not assign it to Gossip Ghey....or, LBR, Molars?

He's an actual trucker, is gone a lot, etc....and would be way more interesting than any of these...

[geekkatsblog]

Grey's Anatomy Review 17x3

A truly emotional episode, also Where the heck was Dr Perez, I missed you come back.

___________________________________________

(Meredith Grey)

The belle of the ball for this episode, Meredith. Hasn't she been through enough? They were plenty of other doctors who haven't been tortured yet. But then again without her getting Covid we probably wouldn't have been treated to the Derek scene and possible cameos from other beloved characters. I loved every bit of the scenes on the beach even though I found myself wishing she would pass out some more so I could get even more Derek scenes, I mean you can't blame me they even played the MerDer song, but at the same time I was glad she couldn't get to him stay out of his arms Mer, you can't die no matter how much I want to witness a merder hug or kiss. It hurt my heart to see how broken everyone was, especially for Webber and Bailey who have both had to see her on the verge of death and pull her back from the brink of death way too many times. Ellis is adorable I hope she has many more scenes to come in future episodes and how cute is her nickname Ellie Belly. And she definitely did the right thing giving Webber her POA, he knows when to let go but will still fight like hell if he knows there's a chance of you living.

The scene with McWidow and her was adorable as well, my shipping levels for the two of them have gone up some more as well, but I did think it was too soon for him to be offering to be her POA if he wasn't just joking because I'll admit I wasn't sure if he was serious or not but after knowing her for such a short while not to mention his feelings that are beyond the friendly level for her, he would have done the extraordinary measures that Meredith wouldn't really want to try to save her. He's already invested.

The scenes with her and Richard were so wholesome he was the father she never had. He has loved and supported her from the beginning, their relationship is strong and one built on trust and hes right we do need Meredith Grey. The scene with Bailey was cute as well how she came to talk about changing her POA but switched to talking about her super risky surgery while practically on the verge of tears instead when she saw the previous conversation was making Meredith nervous.

Then there's Amelia and Maggie who have also been sitting on the edge of their seats praying for her to be alright. Wish I'd seen more scenes with the three sisters interacting a bit but the ones we did get were heartfelt and heartwarming.

On an unrelated note when she was trying to get to Derek but face planted into the sand instead was hilarious girl fell like a starfish.

___________________________________________

Tom Koracick

Not gonna lie for a good chunk of this episode I was started to dislike Tom. I love his character for some weird reason but at times his less than flattering attitude gets irritating, but then I realized that he has to be going through some stuff right now between the whole Teddy and Owen and him situation, the $100000 in booties incident and then he was fired from his job as chief of all chiefs. It's been a rough time for him and while that definitely does not excuse what he did to the new doctors it did make me a little more sympathetic to his rude attitude especially when he confessed to Richard that he didn't think he was a good teacher. And then the ultimate kick when you're down he received the news that he had Covid from literally the worst person they could have sent at that time.

Now don't get me wrong Koracick is a douche and all but he definitely is not going to get the same care that Meredith is getting, but Owen just told him to head home and stay there I know he's A symptomatic and all but even they can develop lung damage from Covid and he has no one there who really cares for him like that and will more than likely have to recover on his own without someone there to check up on him and he definitely doesn't have the same drive to live. Why can't he also have a hospital bed. Keep the same energy for everyone you're all on the same team at this point. When will everyone finally accept him into the club, this isn't the first time someone in that hospital has cheated.

Moving on to other things, I'm so excited to hear him say that he has to get over Teddy because he really does, especially because in the end Teddy is probably going to choose Owen, it's always Owen, but I'm not crossing my fingers about him staying away from her this time, because I've heard him say it before and now with him having Covid I think Teddy is going to be that one person who will visit him so she's not staying away from him anytime soon.

Might just be me but I'm sensing something might happen between him and the doctor that told him off earlier. Idk that's usually how most relationships on Grey's starts with the doctor offending the new comer but IDK.

___________________________________________

Owen

Is currently ignoring Teddy as he should be. She's just trying to talk to him as though nothing happened. The way he delivered that news to Koracick though could have been done better. I know he hates Tom right now but he could be a little more sympathetic he literally just told the man he has a life threatening disease and just said it like I know you have a flu that can kill you but go home and stay away from people, as though he has a common cold or a simple flu. This is someone who is a doctor who works with you saving lives in a pandemic and sure you don't have to like him but you do have to be on his team. Owen has cheated twice and yes this time it happened to him and yes he has a right to be pissed but have some compassion man.

___________________________________________

Teddy

Needs to stay away from Tom she only really attempted to talk to him after Owen gave her the cold shoulder, and she surely can't expect him to forget everything that happened so quickly and move on as though none of it ever happened. And like I said earlier she should let go of Tom and let him move on because at this point we all know she's going to pick Owen, it's always been Owen. I know I said at one point she should be with Tom but right now that feeling is gone I really don't think they're right for each other as much as I did before. And lastly I need her to figure herself out because she's treating the real MVP here and if she let's Anything happen to Meredith Grey after she survived the unimaginable she's going to have the whole hospital on her back and I will be mentally killing her as well because no boo not my Meredith.

___________________________________________

Richard Webber

Is now Meredith's POA and as I said earlier I couldn't agree more, hes the best person for the job. And I'm so happy for him being the chief of chiefs he seems genuinely happy again and I'm also happy that Koracick handed the job of training the doctors to him again because the man's right. Training the doctors is a gift and Richard surely has that gift. Enjoyed seeing him bring the doctors into the operating theater and giving the speech, it's been a while.

___________________________________________

Jo Wilson

Has really been having the work piled on her recently between Meredith having Covid and the mess of the pandemic itself she's been buried in work, and I'm so proud of her finally looking like a true grown attending in my eyes and she's doing great. The way she's been looking at babies of lately is adorable, I'm wondering which line they're intending to take her down with her new found love of babies. She doesn't have that much of a plot at the moment which is a good thing because at the moment having a plot includes having a positive Covid test.

___________________________________________

Bailey

Is seeing her last remaining duckling near death and is torn up about it. She sounded near tears when she was talking to her about the POA issue. She doesn't really have that much of a plot either which is especially good in her case because the Plot includes Covid and she actually has a preexisting heart problem so it would be very unlikely that it would work out in her favor. Watching her pride at seeing Richard doing his press conference was nice even though at first it seemed like she was a little upset about him being her boss again but she'll get over it.

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Deluca

Was seen way too little with Meredith in this episode they even gave Mcwidow time with her Deluca was only there for work which I found ridiculous, yes he had that one scene where he was grilling Teddy but that's not enough. That love triangle between him Mcwidow and Meredith is being formed as we speak. On another note I'm so glad to see him back to work again and healthy again and he's an attending I might have missed it but does he have a specialty because I've been trying to pinpoint it and I can't is it cardio? I guess I'll figure it out eventually.

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Maggie

Is understandably panicking she can't be Meredith's doctor because not only is she her sister but she is way too involved. When she asked Teddy of she was alright enough to work Meredith's case broke me. The pain in her voice and face, she feels so much and has been crying the whole episode, Thank God for Winston, he's been an anchor for her. I can't wait until they're able to be with each other physically instead of just talking on the screen. I wish them the best of luck.

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Jackson

Carrying on the work and teachings of Mark Sloan, and just existing really no plot at the moment as it has been for a while, and we weren't even blessed with Harriet this time but there was Ellis so I'll allow it.

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Link

Being a good boyfriend and father as usual. Hes so sweet, thoughtful and caring.

He also does not have a plot other than being a kickass partner and father and he better not have a plot any time soon either.

Amelia

Currently is just being a great mother and aunt with jo other plots which I am also happy for because it means neither of my babies are in the Covid plot circle so far, they're safe for now. Amelia seems so happy. I'm glad for her hope her joy can continue but knowing Grey's it probably isn't going to last for too much longer.

[fandumbstuff]

The DC Extended Universe, Ranked Best to Worst.

1. Wonder Woman Directed by Patty Jenkins

Wonder Woman might be the only good movie that DC has made. Patty Jenkins really hits the nail on the head and perfectly captures the voice of the character. For a character so old and so iconic, there are many versions of Diana’s story, but Patty Jenkins really manages to deliver a definitive version. Gal Gadot, like Christopher Reeve or Chadwick Boseman before her, is perfectly cast in a role that is so much more than just a movie character. Diana is as strong as she is compassionate. The character flaws she needs to overcome is her own naivete, rather than the misguided angst so many of DC’s other characters grapple with. While other action sequences in the franchise have been overly cluttered, Wonder Woman’s cinematography offers some of the slickest, most iconic action scenes in the genre. It’s an altogether incredible achievement and a milestone for cinema in general.

2. Wonder Woman 1984 Directed by Patty Jenkins

The greatest fault I could find with this movie is that it didn’t lean into the 80s setting more. It does tread the line of a rather schmaltzy central plot, but solid performances from cast members like Pedro Pascal make it believable. It’s an absolute joy to see Gadot and Pine return to their roles, and an even greater joy to see ther choice of outfits for every scene. Solid. While Kristen Wiig is expectedly brilliant like with everything she does, she’s handling a character arc that seems derivative and outdated. Like it’s predecessor, WW84 showcases some pretty stellar action sequences, with Jenkins once again showing a knowing eye for big, impressive set pieces paired with frenetically paced fight sequences.

3. Aquaman Directed by James Wan

After the convoluted mess of ensemble films like Suicide Squad and Justice League, and even some of Marvel’s recent fare, it was refreshing to see a more traditional origin story. This was ultimately what drew my interest to superheroes in general, and while this film doesn’t have the same elegance of a Superman (1978) or Batman Begins, it’s an origin story that modern audiences can sign on for easily. It’s strongest scenes are in the lore-expanding quest that Arthur and Mera go on, simultaneoulsy a National Treasure-esque adventure and a showcase for solid chemistry between Jason Momoa and Amber Heard. And while Ocean Master does seem like an exaggerated villain at times, It’s Patrick Wilson’s solid performance that manages to sell it and make him arguably the best villain DC’s had.

4. Shazam! Directed by David F. Sandberg

Obviously, an inordinate amount of fun. Shazam doesn’t try and be something it’s not. Ultimately, more than any other superhero film, Shazam understands that this genre was always intended for children. And while at times the plot might seem thin or the conflict inconsequential, Shazam never loses sight of it’s heart. A capable cast of child actors make this believable, and subverting the genre tropes makes the film charming and witty. While it seems overly simplistic in terms of it’s storytelling, in DC’s world of confusing plots, this is a welcome change.

5. Man of Steel Directed by Zack Snyder

Perhaps the strangest portrayal of Superman to date, Zack Snyder honed in on the mythos of the character and what makes him “super” Unfortunately, it seems to completely ignore what makes him a “man”. We’re left with a wholly alien representation of the character- a gross misunderstanding of who Superman is supposed to be. Horrible character choices for both Jor-El and Jonathan Kent leave Clark a shell of the hero he’s supposed to be. We’re left with a character more willing to grapple with moral dilemmas and his own inner angst than actually step up and do the right thing. Henry Cavill has an undeniably affective presence, and he certainly feels right for the role, but he’s never given a chance to actually play the part. Aesthetically pleasing to look at, and generally quite entertaining, it’s unfortunately the way Man of Steel fails its character that makes it so unbearable.

6. Birds of Prey (And the rest of the title) Directed by Cathy Yan

I mean, this is basically just a Harley Quinn movie with some other random characters thrown in. Considering Margot Robbie wrote the film, I find it particularly bothersome that the most work she does for character development is for her own character. We see brief intriguing glimpses of some of the other Birds and unfortunately never get more than a taste. Some of the fight scenes are handling quite capably, trading in the more grittier feel of the standard DC fare for more amusing prop and set work. However, much like Suicide Squad before it, I feel like the movie suffers from “soundtrack vomit”-  a post Guardians of the Galaxy symptom in which a movie tries to assemble catchy songs and them slot them into the edit with no real motivation. 

7. Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice Directed by Zack Snyder

An absolute misfire from DC in a sad attempt to make themselves relevant amidst Marvel’s runaway success. A focal point in the movie is the collateral damage caused by Superman in Man of Steel. And apparently the best way for the movie to deliberate on this is by exhibiting even more collateral damage. Showcasing the conflict between these two iconic characters seems like a good idea on paper, and it’s certainly been captivating in past comics. But the movie seems to devolve it into nothing more than a bar fight between two dumb jocks. We see Batman get cyber bullied by Lex Luthor, and Superman get coerced by a stupid plot hole. Then they beat each other up like idiots. A movie that spawned a thousand jokes, it’s really only worth watching to make fun of.

8. Joker Directed by Todd Philips

Apparently, this movie isn’t supposed to be counted as part of DC’s Film Universe. But I couldn’t resist the opportunity to remind you what a steaming pile of garbage it is. It would be inaccurate to even call this a movie. It’s really just a desperate actor trying to win an Oscar from an Academy that continues to be woefully out of touch. And an even more pathetic attempt by a incel director to stay relevant. The talented work from it’s cinematographer and composer force me to show some restraint from putting it at the bottom of this list, but rest assured- while there might be films I put below this, there are none I hate more. 

9.  Justice League  Directed by Zack Snyder(?)

Painful to watch, I went into this movie with the lowest of expectations, and they were somehow not met at all. It feels altogether rushed, poorly constrcuted and boring all at the same time. They forego any need for world building and instead toss us headfirst into a horribly convoluted storyline. They rush through an origin for Cyborg and introduce Aquaman like he’s the douchebag you never invited who shows up to your houseparty. Batman over-compensates for his eye-rolling seriousness in the last movie by being overly witty in this one. And they solve Superman’s death by having a hilarious grave robbing scene that I guess is supposed to be funny but is so ridiculous to watch that it felt more at place in an Adam Sandler movie. And to top it all off, the movie in general is one big eyesore. It’s honestly painful to watch the shoddy CGI that constitutes the main antagonist and the waves of enemies we watch the JL plow through. And while the opening scene I think is supposed to be a last ditch effort for them to make Superman relevant, it would be promising if I could look past his god awful CGI lip.

10. Suicide Squad  Directed by David Ayer

A hilarious comedy where the characters don’t actually have any dialogue and instead just speak in one-liners. A touching romantic drama where the Joker abuses Harley Quinn. A moving character study where Deadshot just wants to be a better father by killing Batman. A thrilling action movie where we hope the heroes can overcome Cara Delevigne’s dumb dancing and blow up the generic pillar of doom she’s summoned in the middle of Gotham. Suicide Squad is all of these things and more- so there’s my rousing endorsement.

[travllingbunny]

The 100 rewatch: 5x05 Shifting Sands

After four really strong episodes at the beginning of season 5, this is a slower episode focused on developing the new dynamics. This episode is by no means bad, and there are some lovely character moments in it - but this is, unfortunately, where the plot starts getting kind of boring. It’s the start of many subplots that, either intentionally or unintentionally, ended up not mattering much for the overall story.

Some of the subplots introduced:

the mutant worms - I’m not a fan of this subplot, which the show will literally chuck out 5 episodes later. Also, it’s gross. I don’t like to have to actually avert my eyes from the screen. The show was really going for the Alien vibe here.

Zaven romance was probably meant to be Raven’s endgame, but unfortunately, Jordan Bolger got another role and we know what happened. And now all that screentime devoted to the development of their relationship feels like a waste of time, which may be unfair to season 5, but it is what it is. In itself, it’s not the worst romantic subplot by any means, but it’s another rushed romance.

It seemed like the show was going somewhere with the friendship between Diyoza and Kane (with some flirty moments that could have at least suggested even more) - don’t get me wrong, I was very much against it being a ship (not a fan of Stockholm Syndrome romances, and Kabby is one of the very few well developed romantic relationships on the show), but every relationship involving Kane got pushed aside when Henry Ian Cusick decided to leave the show. In S6, only Kabby and his friendship with Indra were addressed. On the other hand, it’s always it’s nice to get more Diyoza backstory, which we get when she tells her story to Kane: her suicide attempt - when marines who used to be her own team came to arrest her and after they killed her father. 

Both Diyoza’s shock collars and Vinson are introduced. Vinson is a very unusual character for The 100 - which is full of leaders, warriors and cult leaders, but which doesn’t usually feature cannibal serial killers. I have to say that I quite liked where they went with this character - he was like an embodiment of Abby’s demons (addiction, cannibalism during the Dark Year) and the demons that almost destroyed the Kabby relationship.

The last scene sets up the main plot of the next episode, which is Octavia and Bellamy arguing about Echo… Not the best subplot out there.

In Eden, Diyoza shows again that she may be ruthless but she’s smart - she is against waging war in Eden and potentially destroying the only habitable land on Earth. Not such good news: she wants to use missiles on Wonkru, which makes sense - especially since they are, from her POV, a bunch of dangerous fanatics. (Actually, they are a bunch of dangerous fanatics, period.)She is aware that the rest of Spacekru are still somewhere in the woods, as is Madi (since she knew 5 of them were almost captured by her people, when Madi saved them). The rivalry between her and McCreary is highlighted again - and we also learn about their history. (Which is going to be important because of a certain reveal that will be coming soon…) I guess Diyoza was more honest than McCreary knew when she dismissed his sexual prowess as “that was torture, too” - since we learn in S7 that she had sex with him to get him to be on her side in the rebellion.

Diyoza’s choice of sex partners may not be the best, but she has good taste in music and hates speed metal or trash metal or whatever that was just as much as I do. “Play something with a beat” - exactly!

Kane in the meantime offers intel on Octavia in exchange for a guarantee of protecting Raven and Murphy, but his other reason is that he thinks Octavia will get all of Wonkru killed and wants to stop her.

And we get more of McCreary torturing someone, this time Raven and Murphy. McCreary torturing various people is a recurring thing this season. Is there any episode where he isn’t either murdering, torturing or both? I guess no one has told him that torture is not an efficient or reliable way of extracting information… but it’s quite possible he doesn’t care. Shaw gets to be reluctantly present during someone’s torture again - not a great way to get to know your future girlfriend. The fact that she’s in pain and tortured for who-knows-which-time may be why Raven is showing her judgmental streak again, this time dissing Shaw for lying about the fact he was the one who disabled the missiles and accusing him of getting them tortured to save his ass, which is technically true but ignores the facts that 1) he saved hundreds of Wonkru, 2) he saved Raven’s and Murphy’s lives, and 3) admitting the truth wouldn’t have helped anyone. But Raven also shows her smarts and comes up with a good plan how to get Murphy out so he can inform others about the missiles - and does some really good acting when she pretends she’s furious with Shaw.

One of the highlights of the episode is Murphy meeting Madi for the first time (”hobbit” as he refers to her), as everyone is in the Rover that Madi is driving. Murphy is not happy when Madi says she thought he would be funnier, and even less so when she says Octavia is her favorite. (It’s OK, Murphy, Hope and Jordan (during his rebellious phase) will love you.)

Contrary to what you’ll often hear in the fandom, Spacekru have been, in these early episodes, talking repeatedly about the fact that Clarke saved them and thanking her. They mentioned it all by themselves in 5x03. Bellamy told Clarke ‘Clarke, you saved us all!” in 5x04 and Raven tearfully thanked her for saving their lives. And now Echo tells Madi they wouldn’t have made it without Clarke, and Harper confirms it.

When Murphy realizes that his shock collar/tracker can be used as a bomb, he tells the others to leave him and save themselves and go warn Bellamy - which , I believe, is the first time that Murphy has been really unselfish and unconcerned with saving his own life. Emori has, up to that point, been hostile to him, accusing him of selfishness (she even jumped to the conclusion that he left Raven to die to save himself). But the moment he says this, you can see her face and her whole attitude changing. She says nothing, just staring at him - and then stays with him instead of going with the others. (Murphy will again be unselfish and ask others to leave him to save thrmselves in the season 5 finale, and Emori will refuse to leave him.)

………..

In Polis, there are more reunions: Clarke gets to interact with Jackson and Miller. Jackson tells her they could have used her in the bunker (Clarke replies that they had her mom, and Jackson’s silence hints that something is wrong, but she’ll only find out what much later).This is an interesting “What if” - what if Clarke and/or Bellamy had been in the bunker? How would that have affected everything - Octavia and Abby, above all? Indra later tells Bellamy that Octavia needs him. She is clearly not one of those who drank Kool-Aid and hopes for Bellamy to be a good influence on her, the way she obviously wishes she could be, but Octavia is not listening to her. Cooper, on the other hand, is Octavia’s yes-woman and clearly encourages her worst behavior. Miller still seems somewhere in between at this point - unlike Jackson, he tells Clarke not to get involved, but then changes his mind and tells Blodreina that Clarke has something to tell her.

(This is also a rare occasion: an actual Mackson kiss.)

Clarke and Bellamy are starting to realize that Octavia is pretty scary now, starting with the way her cult worships her and turns against anyone daring to criticize or question her, and then with the way Octavia herself has changed. The episode does a good job of showing that she has been losing her grip on reality,  and apparently drinking her own Kool-Aid a bit too much. She is obsessed what she sees as her messianic role pf delivering her people to Eden, and trying to get her people through the desert during the sandstorm, contrary to the advice of Clarke, who actually knows the terrain, (Maybe she’s taken it too much to heart to continue Jaha’s legacy.) Some of the things Octavia says in this episode:

“The wind hasn’t met Wonkru” - many people mock it as one of the worst lines in the show, but I like it, I think it’s intentionally hilarious, one of the few funny moments this season - and meant to show what ridiculous things Octavia says when she’s boasting in front of Wonkru. All the Wonkru members fully accept it while only Bellamy and Clarke are looking at her with WTF? faces.

She also says “Wonkru doesn’t retreat” And then orders retreat at the end of the episode. She’s not fully delusional.

“That valley is (our home) and we’re taking it back” - Back? When did she/they have it exactly? I guess she may just be considering everything that any of the clans had/where they lived as belonging to Wonkru… but she’s never even been there

“Thanks to you, we’re at war” to Bellamy again (would it have been better to stay locked in the bunker forever?)

“You don’t understand because you’re not one of us”

and finally, she straight up threatens her brother if he keeps questioning her.

During a meal by the campfire at night, while Wonkru are chanting “All of me for all of us”, we find out that Octavia is trying to live by the “Love is weakness” maxim, which is here retconed as something that all Flamekeepers teach all Commanders (and that Gaia is teaching her now, accordingly), rather than just a Titus/Lexa thing, as it seemed in season 3. (Which in itself was a retcon, since it first seemed in season 2 that it was just something Lexa came up with as a result of her tragic experience with losing her lover Costia.) And yes, it’s love in general, not just romantic love. “Love no one, and no one can hurt you”, says Octavia, and she clearly includes her brother in that. Indra rejects that and replies with “I love you”, asking if that makes her weak. This is a recurring theme in the show: Clarke and Octavia have both gone through “Love is weakness” phase. (And now in season 7, it’s time for Bellamy - only this time, this idea came to him in the form “love is selfish”, and that he should love all mankind rather than focus on love for individual people.)

Clarke finds something “beautiful” and impressive in Wonkru’s unity - maybe because she has been alone for so long. The long isolation has changed her - she seems less assertive when she’s around others, although, to be fair, it doesn’t help that she’s not in the position to be a part of the leadership while they are around Wonkru. But she’s also shy and vulnerable when Bellamy - after telling her how amazing she was for surviving so long on her own - tries to make her talk about that time. She starts saying “Well, I wasn’t alone” - and if she immediately answered “I had Madi”, that would be nothing strange, but the way Clarke makes a long awkward pause and seems to catch herself, before saying “I had Madi”, and then quickly leaves, almost as if running away - suggest that maybe she was, for a moment, thinking and going to say something else - something about radio calls that allowed her to keep her sanity. Subsequent events have certainly supported this interpretation - we will learn in 5x13 that Clarke has been keeping it a secret from Bellamy (when Madi tells him, she says “I probably shouldn’t be telling you this”), and when Bellamy finally reveals in 6x01 that he knows about them, Clarke is again very shy and embarrassed and almost runs away from the conversation.

But at this point, Bellamy doesn’t know any of that, and I don’t think he understands Clarke’s state of mind. To him, it must seem like she’s withdrawing into herself. 

Later on, the two of them get another moment, and this time it’s Clarke’s turn to tell Bellamy how awesome he is. She praises him for not killing the prisoners in cryo and for saving her, and says “the Heart and the Head” - recalling their conversation from over 6 years ago,. in 4x13, when she told him to use his head and not just his heart. She’s saying that he’s using both his heart and his head now. Bellamy repeats “The Heart and the Head”, and I believe that’s the first time they’ve said that phrase to each other. Now they have another canon catchphrase to describe their relationship, in addition to “Together”. (They will say it again - a little different - in 6x10: “The Head and the Heart”.)  Clarke then asks Bellamy “What does your head say about fighting a war (etc.)” and he replies “Same as yours”. Which is just crying for a callback to happen in the final season. Will we get Bellamy and Clarke saying “What does your heart say…”?

Clarke - in a rare moment of medically treating someone (something she did a lot in season 1, but rarely after that), saves Octavia’s life from the worms. And - in one of her better moments in this episode - Octavia thanks for her saving her life. Sadly, their relationship is not going to be that harmonious in the rest of S5.

And at the end of this episode - more reunions! The rover comes with Madi, Monty, Harper and Echo, with three memorable reunion moments:

I love the moment when Monty greets Octavia (he still has no idea how much she has changed) and she greets him back with the most awkward smile ever. It’s like she isn’t sure if she can be Octavia now that she’s Blodreina but she’s acting like her old self for a moment with an old friend who has no idea what she’s like now. 

And this is just moments after she has threatened her brother. This camerawork in this episode is quite interesting - the way it plays with focus. When Octavia threatens Bellamy, while Clarke looks at them, concerned, we have Octavia/Bellamy in focus and Clarke out of it, and then the reverse.

And then in the reunion scene at the end, after we see Clarke and Madi running into each other’s arms for a big hug, and then we also see Echo and Bellamy running towards each other - it’s interesting and very telling that. as we see Clarke and Madi hugging and Bellamy and Echo kissing, in the same frame, the Becho kiss is out of focus throughout, while the camera zooms on Clarke’s reaction. While the first Becho kiss we saw (in 5x01) served the purpose to reveal the relationship to the audience, this time, the kiss is there just for Clarke’s and Octavia’s reactions to it, and this frame screams - what matters here is Clarke finding out about Becho.

Does this look familiar? Oh yes, we saw the same kind of scene and the exact same facial expression from Clarke in 1x05 when she learned that Finn had a girlfriend.

(But in case you ignored this moment, since it’s subtle - the dramatic music only starts with Octavia’s reaction to seeing her brother with her old enemy, which is the cliffhanger - don’t worry, you’ll get another scene of Clarke looking sad while Becho are kissing, in the next episode.)

And here’s the (melo)dramatic cliffhanger! I guess the audience is supposed to be on Bellamy’s and Echo’s side as Octavia is showing once again she can stare daggers - but I suspect many were on Octavia’s side on this one, since we’re pretty much in the same boat as Octavia and Clarke -, for us and for them, comes from nowhere, after we’ve only known them as enemies. Especially Octavia - Clarke did spend semi-amicable moments with Echo and witness Bellamy spending them just before Praimfaya. Octavia's last memories of Echo are… Echo mortally wounding Ilian, Bellamy almost strangling Echo for trying to kill Octavia/cheat them all out of the bunker, and Octavia banishing Echo. and Echo briefly trying to threaten her with telling the other Grounders about the Skaikru rebellion.

Was this really necessary in terms of the conflict between the Blakes? I don’t think so. They’ve already been butting heads over Octavia’s leadership and actions and her intention to fight a war - but yay, we are getting an episode centered around Octavia objecting to Bellamy’s girlfriend, which will ultimately go nowhere and matter little in terms of overall Bellamy/Octavia relationship this season.

Body count: 12 Wonkru members died: Obika died a horrible death from mutant worms. (His death will haunt Miller, who was with him when he was attacked by the worm, during the red sun eclipse in 6x02, when Miller hallucinated having bugs inside of him and yelled he would end up the same as Obika.) 11 other Wonkru members died from Diyoza’s missile, which means there are 801 left.

Rating: 6/10