#both of them are so messy and make such bad decisions and i'm living for it <3< /div> Explore tagged Tumblr posts

[wikiangela]

wip wednesday

tagged by @theotherbuckley @daffi-990 @tizniz @bidisasterevankinard @dangerpronebuddie @hoodie-buck @aroeddiediaz 💖

I'm jumping between wips and ships so much rn, but trust me, it's even more chaotic in my brain like at all times lol it's so annoying

wasn't gonna post today but I figured I'd share a bit of the cheating fic bc I moved my self-imposed deadline to middle of may and istg I'm not moving it again so I need motivation to finish this lmao

(this scene is fighting me ngl, but I need it, and it's just gonna need a lot of editing but for now this is just a rough draft lol)

prev snippet

___

Not breaking the kiss, Eddie shifts, throwing his leg over Buck’s lap, straddling him, and Buck’s hands immediately wrap around his hips, bringing him closer, as close as possible, just needing Eddie closer. Eddie gasps when their crotches collide, and breaks the kiss, Buck’s lips moving to Eddie’s neck.

“Buck.” Eddie whispers. “Buck, we- we should talk.” Eddie tries, but one of his hands is tangled in Buk’s hair, holding on tight. Buck stills his movements, looks up at Eddie and sees reluctance in his face. He’s not sure if it’s reluctance to stop or continue, and he needs to know for sure, would never want Eddie to feel pressured in any way. They have no alcohol to blame this time, after all.

“If you want to, let’s stop, and we can talk.” Buck says, voice a little shaky as he adds, “But we can always talk tomorrow?”, knowing this is a very bad decision, once again. He’s looking at Eddie’s face and sees something complicated, a conflict, a battle with himself. His eyes roam over Buck’s face, lingering on his eyes, then lips, then back to eyes. In the end, some part of Eddie wins, or loses, and he captures Buck’s lips with his own again.

___

no pressure tags: @elvensorceress @thebravebitch @shortsighted-owl @eddiebabygirldiaz @watchyourbuck

@eowon @loserdiaz @evanbegins @ladydorian05 @wildlife4life

@diazpatcher @lover-of-mine @monsterrae1 @thewolvesof1998 @weewootruck

@loveyouanyway @spagheddiediaz @rainbow-nerdss @epicbuddieficrecs @pirrusstuff

@spotsandsocks @alliaskisthepossibilityoflove @nmcggg @rogerzsteven @hippolotamus

@giddyupbuck @sunshinediaz @honestlydarkprincess @underwaterninja13 @exhuastedpigeon

@911-on-abc @jesuisici33 @steadfastsaturnsrings @buddieswhvre @fortheloveofbuddie

@diazsdimples @your-catfish-friend

[6okuto]

gn!reader | iwaizumi will do a lot of things if you ask, but he's always a little awkward and embarrassed about taking photos of himself. what angle does he use, why's the lighting so bad, this is his "no one will see me" t-shirt, does his smile look forced, etc, etc., which means you only ask every once and a while, mostly as a joke, and never mind when he brushes it off with a laugh.

so when you open your messages to see an unprompted selfie of him, blurry, sitting in dim light, cheeks flushed and biting his lip to stop a grin, shocked is one word you can use to describe yourself. apparently drunk hajime is different from sober hajime, and confident enough to send a second, third photo capturing his night out with his old teammates at karaoke.

and you're not sure if it was their idea or his, but you really can't bring yourself to complain when he accidentally sends a video instead of a photo that perfectly frames his slightly unbuttoned top, messy hair that he runs his fingers through (he's brought up needing a haircut every week for the past month, but keeps pushing off setting an appointment), and raspy laugh as he tells someone off screen to shut up and sing already before turning to you with a smile.

"oh, shit, it's a video."

"pft, are you really that drunk?"

"hiii," someone—you think tooru—singsongs your name.

another complains, his voice muffled by your boyfriend moving the camera, "ugh, can you move over?"

"hi babe." hajime's low, slurred voice brings your attention back to him. "i got 94 on m'last song, jus' so y'know.

"let it go! that was all luck—"

"shut up, it's not my fault y'got 67 and sound like a dying bird. ugh," he seems to lose his train of thought and sniffles. "uh...don't worry, issei's driving m'back. i'll tell you 'bout it when i get home. see you soon, alright? love you."

the video ends, cutting off the beginning of a voice crack and off-pitch note, and the responding cackle that momentarily fills the quiet of your living room.

it's not a hard decision to save everything he's sent to your phone. the real hard decision will be tomorrow, you think, when you have to decide between teasing him to death or helping with his hangover. but then you get another notification—another text from him that reads "Cany ou tell them i'm not gonna sing adell" and you smile.

you can probably do both.

(he does end up singing, but so does everyone else. the video you get is way too loud, and way too close to the microphone, and the phone falls to the floor at some point, but it's saved to your gallery anyway. he makes you promise not to play it the next morning because it's "so headache inducing he could explode.")

[waitmyturtles]

Hot Take: Be On Cloud and Sammon out GMMTV-ed GMMTV with that lame-ass 4 Minutes finale

(TW: Ummm, this ended up being a rant, so don't read this if you enjoyed that finale.)

WOW.

This is not the central thesis of this post at all, but I need to get this off my chest, FIRST OF AWL: GET AN ORIGINAL OST. WOW.

LIKE, ACTUALLY, I want to not get into this, but I actually need to talk about this for a second. ICONIC OSTs like, SAY, "Why Don't You Stay" or "Just Friend" (OR THE DARK BLUE KISS THEME SONG, THE BEST ONE) are meant to invoke THE SHOW FROM WHICH THAT SONG HAILS, AND THE FEELINGS THAT THAT PARTICULAR SHOW MADE ONE FEEL. WHAT THE FUCK WAS 4 MINUTES THINKING?! THIS SHOW WAS NOT KINNPORSCHE. NOT AT ALL. I FELT NO KP FROM 4 MINUTES. I hope Jeff Satur sues BOC for copyright infringement. ANYWAY.

I mean, this is gonna be messy, but in yet another case of shippy roooooomance, a kind of rooooomance that's supposed to leave us feeling like the central couple is worth redeeming against both the obstacles that the story gives them, AND/OR a weak script as well (I wrote about this recently during a rewatch of The Eclipse), I mean, BOC and Sammon just threw an otherwise really amazing storyline to the dogs.

We were supposed to get a lot of moral and ethical loops closed here. I would have been okay with a Ton Kla redemption! I would have been okay with Korn living the rest of his life in pain and suffering for neglecting Ton Kla! Instead, they're both "redeemed" by their own deaths?! I get Win being upset, but Win, you knew who you were sleeping with! Come awn!

AND. I'm supposed to believe that Great is worth redemption because he threw a corrupt government minister under the bus and prevented his parents from coming back to Thailand, while we see him walking away from a woman having a heart attack???? Like, THAT'S NOT GOOD!!!! He's had a messy life, but he's not necessarily a good person, folks!!! HELLO!!! "He's a good person?!" TYME?? Like, Great's hot, BUT LIKE, DON'T BE LIKE THAT, TYME, GURL, ACTUALLY LOOK THRU AT WHO YOU'RE DATING.

ALSO, TYME, HIPPOCRATIC OATH, DUDE. I KNOW YOU WANT THAT GUY DEAD, AND HE DESERVES BAD THINGS, BUT YOU CAN'T MAIM HIM PURPOSELY, HOMEY, YOU'RE ABOUT TO BECOME A PROFESSOR.

And LIKE, WHAT THE FUCK, putting a whole new story point about Warit's kidnapping from some dude named Wanchai who we don't even know, and finding out that Warit is a general?!?! It was JUST CONFUSING.

Also, Den dating a patient. I know medical ethics are probably different in Thailand, but they cannot be THAT DIFFERENT, friends, they can't (right? right?).

And. Finally. TYME GOT SHOT MULTIPLE TIMES IN THE CHEST AREA. He survived after two months of recovery?! HE SURVIVED POINT-BLANK SHOOTING?!?!?!??!?!?! AND GREAT SURVIVED HIS POINT-BLANK SHOOTING, TOO?!?!?!?!

LISTEN. LISTEN. I get that BOC wants GreatTyme together. JesBible are a good pair. It's fine Great and Tyme are together. It's nice.

But there was an ACTUAL storyline, told WONDERFULLY for seven episodes, that had these characters in moral and ethical chokeholds that could have received different and very much more appropriate endings. This is fiction, of course, but the moral and ethical prisons these characters were in were very real-to-life by way of what humans value, and how you balance those values against the real-time decisions that humans need to make for themselves and their families.

Instead, BOC took the wild GMMTV playbook of late (The Eclipse, 23.5, Only Friends, Wandee Goodday, even Last Twilight and My Precious) and just railroaded ethical explorations for, my GAWD, guitars and boats. GUITARS AND BOATS! If either Great or Tyme had died, how would the story have expressed regret, uncommunicated feelings, unsolved mysteries?

The ending sucked the mystery out of this series, and frankly, made light of the fact that we were not in a Series Y for seven-eighths of a runtime, only to truly suck us back into Y territory -- real, sugary, cheesy Y territory, GUITARS, THE KP OST OMG -- that just clashed with the tonality of what was shaping up to be a great queer crime murder mystery show. GMMTV already does this. BOC did not need to go there.

Funny that some of us are watching Kidnap now, and commenting (I'm stealing @shortpplfedup's words here) that Kidnap is not a crime BL, but a crime BL. Kidnap knows what it is: it is shaping up to be a fun, unserious Y series that's centered around two himbos not really understanding the consequences of their decisions, and being googly while doing it. It seems to be taking its unseriousness seriously. Good on GMMTV for taking initiative there.

4 Minutes? 4 Minutes needs moral closure, not sappy romance. I could have used a hint that we were gonna get punked earlier. I wouldn't have taken this show as seriously as I did if I had known otherwise.

[pinkscaped]

⌗ HEADLINES ! HEADLINES !

A mini collection of headlines that made The Pinkscape stand still. Content warning for Age Gap Relationships, Slut Shaming, and Employee x Boss Relationships!

POSTED : MAY 23RD 2024.

Hide your moms! Finn Lee was spotted making out with veteran idol and second-gen icon Myrah Yamazaki on the balcony of the Mydol building. It's alleged that the pair were at a company party, celebrating the acquirement of DeepDive's contract from Flowerbank Entertainment, when the pair went outside to smoke together. A fan, who might or might not be a stalker that doesn't matter here, caught the pair "kissing passionately" on the balcony after talking for a few minutes.

Though Mydol has released no official statement, Myrah posted on her blog about the photos, stating:

"I know I only post on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Sundays, and it's a Friday, but I just want to say that I DID kiss that guy, and it shouldn't matter. I kiss a lot of guys my age, not my age, older, younger, whatever. I kiss a lot of men because I want to, and I am nearly forty. Apologies for kissing your bias or whatever but leave me alone. He's not hard to kiss so go find him and kiss him yourself. TTYL xoxo, Myrah."

Many girl group stans found this statement empowering, while DeepDive stans found it offensive to Finn, who has remained silent on the issue. "She could've not called him a ran through whore like that," Twitter user "kiwowsussy" posted. "She's a loser I do not get y'alls obsession 😭" User "l8rbaebi" said in the quotes of the original article. This pairing seemed to cause a lot of commotion on Twitter and Instagram, many fans flooding both Myrah and Finn's comments with demands for an apology or pleas for them to break up.

To which, Finn simply replied with these Instagram stories:

Though it's still debated if the pair are officially dating or not, fans have seemed to calm down due to the very blunt statements of, and I quote, not giving a fuck.

POSTED : JUNE 3RD 2024.

Controversy follows Jung Yoonah wherever she goes. We were all there for when the infamous photobooth Jinah pics were posted to the Mydol Family Twitter. If you don't remember, here's a refresher:

Whichever intern posted that was obviously fired because the incident not only caused the tweet's deletion but also Mydol to release an official statement, threatening legal action if anyone makes "defamatory remarks about staff or artists" which we know Son Jinhwa is not above doing when you say something he doesn't like.

What was shocking was the 20-minute explanation video Jung Yoonah would go on to upload on her personal channel. In the video she's sitting on her bed room floor, providing her perspective on the entire situation as well as some insight on the infamous trial between her and Son Jinhwa in 2023.

"I think it's beneficial for everyone to know the truth. I did not want to leave Angelico, I did not want to sue Jinhwa or press charges against him, and I do not believe he is a bad person, which is why I took the first chance to sign with him again. All of those decisions were made for me by people who didn't and still don't care what I have to say. I never wanted to go to trial, but I'm dealing with its ramifications every day. I'm tired of it." Yoonah would start the video off guns a blazing, later going on to name-drop Lee Iseul, Carmen Bae, and former Venus member Bliss as the main people making these choices for her, which caused a massive stir online.

"With all the sincerity in my heart, please stop treating me like a child. I have had people make the most basic of decisions for me my entire life, and I would greatly appreciate it if everyone let me do what I want. I'm twenty-five years old. Let me live my life even if you don't like how I'm living it, please." This plea would cause a debate on whether or not Yoonah is capable of making her own decisions, her messy past of substance abuse, toxic relationships, and mental illness being brought up by fans and detractors alike.

While the video proved to be controversial, it got her point across and even had constellations trending #WELOVEYOUBAEBI across various platforms, which Yoonah responded to by posting an Instagram story of a black screen with a single "thank you 🤍" in the center of it. Despite this support, many are still worried about Yoonah's well-being under the management of Son Jinhwa, who was found guilty of assaulting the idol last March.

The worries seem to have fallen on deaf ears.

POSTED : DECEMBER 3RD 2023.

Son Roan, the magnetic CEO of Angelico Entertainment, was recently seen on what seemed to be a date with Yoomi, once the central figure and lead dancer of Lunarix. However, Yoomi's recent demotion by Mydol Entertainment has led many to question her abilities and intentions.

Born in 2001, Yoomi is ten years younger than Roan, who was born in 1991. Despite her youth, she has struggled to captivate the public. Both fans and critics have noted her lack of exceptional talent and her abrasive demeanor. Her appearance, which some consider average by K-pop standards, hasn't significantly boosted her popularity. This has fueled speculation that her association with Roan might be an attempt to gain attention rather than a genuine relationship.

Roan, renowned for his professionalism and keen business insight, swiftly addressed the circulating rumors. "We are merely close acquaintances," he clarified, adding, "I would never date an artist currently or formerly under my management." This statement seemed aimed at avoiding the kind of controversy that has long overshadowed his cousin, Son Jinhwa—CEO of Mydol Entertainment—who is notorious for dating younger women within his label.

Despite Roan's reassurances, public skepticism persists. Yoomi’s frequent appearances, often perceived as attention-seeking stunts, only serve to mar Roan’s otherwise stellar reputation. Her failure to secure a stable position within Lunarix has led many to question her true motives. Is she genuinely interested in Roan, or is this just another attempt to remain in the spotlight despite her waning popularity?

As the head of Angelico Entertainment, Roan has established himself as a figure of integrity and respect in the industry. It’s unfortunate that he is now caught up in this controversy, probably due to Yoomi's relentless pursuit of attention. His assertion that their relationship is strictly platonic should be sufficient to dispel the rumors, but Yoomi's controversial past makes it difficult to dismiss the suspicions entirely.

Roan works tirelessly to uphold his reputation as a respected figure in the industry, but Yoomi's relentless pursuit of fame consistently brings unwanted attention. The publc can only hope that Roan remains unaffected by this problematic association, so he can continue leading Angelico Entertainment with the same dignity and competence he has always shown.

At the moment, it appears that Roan is unjustly associated with his cousin's notorious actions due to Yoomi's frantic schemes. We can only hope that this will be a brief chapter in what will otherwise be a remarkable career for Son Roan.

POSTED : JUNE 6TH 2024.

Seoul's entertainment circles are buzzing with the latest news about Ahn Youngeun, the luminous actress and expecting mother, who was seen alone grocery shopping without her engagement ring. The missing sparkling diamond has ignited a wave of rumors concerning her relationship status with Son Jinhwa, the contentious CEO of Mydol Entertainment.

Son Jinhwa is no stranger to controversy, often making headlines for his eyebrow-raising behavior and tendency to date much younger female artists. However, last year he surprised everyone by announcing his engagement to Youngeun, the first woman his own age that he's publicly been involved with. Since then, their relationship has been closely scrutinized, and with the recent news of Youngeun's pregnancy, even more attention has been drawn to them. This new development has only intensified the public's curiosity and speculation.

At 32 years old, Youngeun was spotted without her engagement ring and in casual attire, causing speculation among fans and observers about the state of her high-profile relationship. However, when asked about it, Youngeun promptly shut down the rumors by clarifying that they are still planning to get married. She explained that she is currently pregnant and sometimes struggles with swelling, making wearing jewelry uncomfortable. She also emphasized her love for Jinhwa and how hurtful these rumors can be to her.

Son Jinhwa, 45, quickly came to his fiancée's defense. He shared a heartfelt photo from their maternity shoot on social media, captioned with "I love my wife," demonstrating their solidarity amidst the rampant rumors.

Although the couple has released statements to dispel the rumors, the public is still divided. Son's notorious history of objectifying his artists for financial gain and his controversial dating past have cast doubts on the authenticity of their relationship. Additionally, Youngeun's pregnancy and the significant age gap between them only add more complexity to the ongoing drama.

Is this merely a minor setback for the famous duo, or is something deeper at play? Time will reveal whether Youngeun and Jinhwa can withstand the turmoil and silence their critics. For now, the pair appears resolute in staying united, with or without a ring.

POSTED : JUNE 1ST 2024.

After being caught with Jung Juyeon, the failed actor turned dedicated fansite, Chloe Lee, the main vocalist of Venus, this past winter, she gave a somber apology via the Flowerbank official Youtube channel which has now been deleted.

With her hair in a low pontail, natural makeup, and a black turtle neck Chloe would stare somberly in the camera and lament how sorry she was for "abusing her power" and that "she was blinded by love" when falling for CozyChloe AKA Jung Juyeon. "I deeply regret my actions and hope you all can forgive me. I'm no longer seeing Juyeon and will begin seeing a therapist to help me with my behavior."

Yeah, all that was a lie.

On a recent URIDOL, the exclusive platform for Mydol artists, live stream Chloe would share a photobooth photo of her and none other than Lee Juyeon.

"I thought you guys broke up. No. Never. We're still in a relationship and have been even after that bullshit video," Chloe would respond to a comment with a proud grin on her face, "You guys didn't seriously believe that video, did you? I was never sorry. Iseul is just a bitch. That entire video was scripted...I should do more acting, shouldn't I?" She'd shrug her shoulders with a beaming smile.

This clip would go viral, sparking discussions of how we don't really know our idols and shouldn't trust anything put out by companies. Chloe would be scrutinized on social media for this, but only for a short amount of time, as her fans acted like the army, striking down any account that dared to speak ill of her, resulting in a whopping 52 accounts getting suspended.

Chloe would comment on the matter by posting a photo of her and Juyeon on a frozen yogurt date with a "😙" emoji, clearly unbothered.

We wish Juyeon luck.

POSTED : MARCH 13TH 2024

Angelina Choi lost the long-standing defamation lawsuit between her and Son Jinhwa, owing him an outstanding 20.7 billion won as well as a public apology, which she believed the same day she was publicly fired from her job at The Daily Idol, who also had to pay Jinhwa in damages.

"THE THING ABOUT JINHWA. The worst-kept secret in the idol industry." Was published September 6th, 2023 amid a nasty legal battle between him and Jung Yoonah AKA Baebi. This article weighed heavy allegations of grooming, pedophilia, and physical assault against Son Jinhwa, primarily focusing on the testimony from Kim Misun, an idol and estranged mother of his child. Misun would also be found guilty of defaming Jinhwa, though Jinhwa would not require her to pay him any damages, only asking for an apology behind closed doors.

Despite the jury and courts ruling in his favor, the public is split. The police records of Son Jinhwa's violence are undeniable, and the paternity of his son is also undeniable, but since the article's release, Misun has refused to release a statement. Though she didn't release a statement, her mother did, siding with Jinhwa and calling her daughter a liar. "Jinhwa never touched that girl. Those pictures are nothing more than a mentor and a mentee. She was always desperate for attention. I never thought she'd go this far. He's a good man who was good to her."

Following the verdict, Jinhwa says, "The jury gave me my life back." The public celebrates this, while Angelina Choi and Misun are shunned. Petitions to remove Misun from her group, Haute Pink, would reach over 100,000 signatures, and the group's Instagram page would be flooded with death threats and hate comments.

Flowerbank stood strong behind Misun, threatening legal action against those who slander their artist. "We believe Misun and stand firmly behind her throughout this heartbreaking verdict." But Misun, as usual, remained silent and will be absent from public appearances with her group until further notice.

Jinhwa walks a free man with a clean slate.

[volvolts]

(Here's a smart idea: an ask thread for discussion lol)

Hey Volts! I'm Natalia. She/Her. So what's YOUR interpretation of the Wittelore? For canon, I prefer a more balanced story where the brothers' tragedy hinged on BOTH of their bad decisions. Made alone, under the influence of major assumptions about what the other thought or wanted. (Very Sondheim-esque, à la Into the Woods.) Drives me nuts thinking of all the ways they could have feasibly missed actually communicating by Just That Much, yk?

Im so sorry this might be a long one because context needed

I headcanon that philip was born “cursed.” their mother had an affair with another man and has intense guilt over it. When she birthed philip, she went through an intense postpartum depression episode. Philip had bright blue eyes unlike her own brown or her husband’s dark blue, and as he grew older, he was an odd kid. He was left handed, had an interest in the macabre, and was just all around strange. The brothers’ parents were convinced her depression and philip being born different was punishment for her infidelity. Things get messy and long story short caleb and philip are orphans now. Philip was 7 and caleb was 13. 

I like the idea caleb and philip originally having similar values. They had a strong us against the world mentality, and wanted to be seen as heroes. I do want to preface this by saying that i like the idea of caleb being morally gray but i don’t think he would ever reach the levels of villainy that philip eventually displays. 

Philip just knew that he had to hide parts of himself if they wanted to live a “normal” life. Being “cursed” is all he knows and he believes that if they can become heroes and save their town of witches that means he can somehow stop being “cursed” since when they participated in the hunts, the town treated them better. This structure is all he knows and he doesn’t think there’s a way out of it, just a way to get them what they want.

Caleb is older and has a better grasp of how bad the world is and just wants to make sure he and his brother will be okay. I feel like he loves philip but i also feel like he has to be one of philip’s earliest enforcers of “being normal” he makes philip use only his right hand, tries to stifle his more out there interests, and forces philip to hang out with the other kids and gets upset when philip doesn’t want to/struggles making friends. Honestly im a big believer that he didn’t even believe in witches but still participated anyway because it gave them a better reputation and that it put the target away from them. I feel like maybe for a while he reveled in the attention. maybe an event where he sees how quickly the town turns on another would lead him to rethink this and so when he meets evelyn, he’s more willing to hear her out. This also gives him a realization that they don’t need to stay in gravesfield and can just leave it all behind. 

I feel like the brother’s biggest problem is that they Do Not Talk as they get older. Philip just gets upset and shuts down and caleb gets tired having to walk eggshells around him when he wants to talk about important stuff. Something would happen, they fight (the biggest arguments are usually philip is mad that caleb always tells him what he ought to be doing while caleb is mad that philip doesn’t seem to be trying hard enough), they blow off steam (usually caleb goes to the river, philip stays in his room), then in a couple hours, they pretend the fight never happened. Its also why caleb is reluctant to introduce evelyn to philip. I feel like one too many of these arguments and the resentment that comes with it makes caleb do his first selfish act of leaving his brother behind while he follows evelyn to the demon realm. He didn’t expect Philip to follow him and the look of shock on philip’s face before the portal closes still haunts him. He spends years rationalizing it to himself. Philip wanted to stay so he never would have followed him anyway. Maybe philip will eventually thrive in gravesfield. If he stayed, caleb knew deep in his bones he would live an unhappy and unfulfilling life and no matter how much he loves his brother he cannot give up his own happiness for him forever. (if we follow that caleb helped make the portal key, we can even argue that he might’ve avoided ever going back because he was ashamed to see philip again) Every night he prays to the titan that philip will be fine without him, that he’ll move on. Oh how wrong he was

as for philip’s time in gravesfield before going to the demon realm, i actually plan to write it for my too late au! in general i feel like the wittebane backstory would have to be It Gets Worse through the selfishness and lack of communication between them and by the time they could talk again, the resentment is too strong for them to reach a middle ground

[panda-writes-kpop]

What does a demon and a function have in common? (You can test both of their limits!) - l. yb.

a/n: happy dami day! i know the timeline of this fic is messy, but just pretend that it's all okay and I will too :) also I wrote this because I was trying to understand my feelings as an aroace person towards love and I'm still really confused... but at least we got a good fic out of it! ❤️

tw: demons, undefined magic, lots of mentions of death, implied aroace! reader, a bit of religious trauma

word count: 2.6k

summary: you're in distress over your math homework and the pretty demon that helps you with it, and you're reluctant to let your heart do the talking since it ended pretty badly for your friend and her demon companion.

related fics: Demon! SuA - Tainted Love

♡ Masterlist ♡

You shouldn't do this.

You glare at the leather-bound book in front of you as you furiously erase another answer from your sheet of scratch paper. The book was a gift from a friend, one that had struggled with a demonic relationship before.

You hadn't heard from them in a year and a half, and from what you heard from mutual friends, they weren't doing too well. Although you weren't positive that the book was bad news, you had never seen your friend so desperate to remove an object from their grasp.

After doing a bit of research, you realized that it was a cursed tome. There were seven different markings on the cover, which meant that seven different demons were tied to the book. Luckily, only one had been released when your friend had opened the book.

Now, you had to be the one to safeguard it. To make sure that no one would ever be hurt by the book again.

But, as you stare at your Calculus homework, you realize that you have no idea what you're fucking doing. And at 10 p.m. the night before an exam, the tutoring center is closed and the professor is probably counting sheep while their students are stressing out.

You're well aware that it's a stupid, very dumb, unintelligent idea to open a cursed book in order to understand Calculus, but what other choice do you have? Do you fail this exam then fail the class, which would put you a year behind?

What would your peers say?

What would your family say?

A shiver down your back, from the looming threat of parental disappointment, causes you to drop your pencil and reach for the book. Your hand gently traces the seven etchings on the cover, and you notice that one isn't filled in with color. 

The demon that took my friend away.

You really shouldn't be doing this.

You think about the laundry list of concepts that you have to master by 10 a.m. tomorrow, and your decision has never been easier.

I'd rather stick my hand in an open flame than do another problem with no help.

When you open the book, you realize that you're blissfully unaware of how to summon a demon. Do you say a bunch of random words in Latin? Do you do a little hand motion? Do you need an offering?

You decide that your best option at summoning a demon that won't smite you immediately is to plead with the book.

Because desperate never goes out of style.

“Listen, I don't know who I'm talking to, if I'm even talking to anyone in the first place. I'm having a problem. …Well, it's not a ‘the fate of the world rests in your hands’ type of problem, but I still could use some help.”

An orange trail of smoke leaves the book in your hands and swirls like a tornado in an empty spot in your living room. Objects start flying around because of the tailwind, and you have to duck before you take a pencil to the eyeball. 

“Who knew Calculus homework could be deadly?” You joke as you try to not think about the magnitude of the situation that you're in. You haven't even met the demon yet, and the smoke that it creates(?) it is trying to kill you.

Not a good sign.

Once your apartment is messy enough for your demon of choice, the book in your hands shuts itself as the orange smoke starts to dissipate. 

You set the book aside as you gawk at the woman- no, demon that stands in your living room. 

She's dressed in all black, ready to go to a funeral.

You just have to hope that it's not yours.

“How can I assist you?” She softly asks in a semi-uninterested voice.

“I need help with Calculus.” You blurt out as she clocks her head at you.

“I beg your pardon?”

~

This demon was exceptionally smart, which was good for your tired, mortal mind. She also didn't kill you on the spot - a good thing, you assume, unless the murder is waiting for you on the other side of the Calculus homework.

She was taken aback by your request, staring at you in utter surprise until she joined your side and helped you with your homework.

Her voice was gentle and smooth, and you would've fallen asleep if you weren't thinking about being killed in your sleep.

“Thanks.” You rub your eyes as you set the pencil down as you check your phone for the time.

You're proud of yourself for putting your phone on dark mode (you've flash-banged yourself in the past, it's a one time mistake) as you realize that it's only one in the morning. With a few hours of sleep and a large container of your favorite caffeinated drink, you'd be fine for your exam.

“Is that all you needed? …A bit of guidance with math?” The woman sitting beside you is in disbelief as you nod your head.

“Is there something wrong with that?” You joke, momentarily forgetting that she's a demon.

“Forgive me, but the people who usually hold the tome are more demanding… and a lot less cute.”

“Okay, back into the book you go.” You toss the book her way before trying to hide her embarrassment. 

She chuckles softly before running her fingers over the spine.

“You have no idea how any of this works, right?”

“Uh-huh.” You nod your head before starting to put your school stuff away.

“Right, right.” Her eyes meet yours for a moment. “Dami.”

“Huh?” You tilt your head at her, but she snaps her fingers and disappears with the book in an instance.

Well, that damn book is out of my sight and I now have a chance to pass my Calc exam. I'll take that as a win-win.

~

You don't remember climbing into bed last night (this morning? The days are blending together at this point).

Before leaving your apartment, you say a small prayer before grabbing your pick-me-up of choice from the fridge. You might have this exam on lock.

As you walk to class, you recite Calculus formulas in your head. Partial derivatives swirl around your mind along with the thought of the mysterious woman.

Dami?

She's not a directional derivative, so you should focus on something else. 

You, at least, had the demon situation under control.

 ~

This semester, you officially renounced your academic weapon status; instead, you were an academic victim. Although you most definitely messed up the first problem (why do all of the problems have the same wording yet completely different solutions?), you had the rest of it down.

Your confidence evaporated when the two classmates behind you started discussing their answers and got completely different answers to you. 

Maybe another semester here wouldn't be so bad?

“You did fine.” 

You jump as your eyes lock with the demon from the night before.

“Sorry, sorry.” You apologize to the two people behind you as you step to the side to speak with Dami. “I like your confidence in me, and I wish I had a fraction of it for myself.”

“There's nothing wrong with having a little pride.” She shrugs as the doors to the lecture hall open.

“Well, at least there's another exam a few weeks after spring break.” Ryujin shrugs before closing the door and walking towards you. “How'd the exam go for you?”

“It was okay.” You softly shrug as you glance between Dami and Ryujin.

“You're too humble for how smart you are.” Ryujin scoffs before turning to Dami. “You new here?”

“I'm just visiting someone.” Dami winks at you, and your eyes avert her gaze afterwards.

Ryujin sighs before adjusting her backpack and clearing her throat.

“They're not interested in guys or girls…. or anyone, for that matter.”

You playfully smack Ryujjn's shoulder before she pretends to be in extreme pain from the hit.

“It's not an absolute thing. I'll know if there's someone I'm interested in.” You nonchalantly say as Ryujin checks her smart watch.

“Oh shit, I've got class in fifteen minutes halfway across campus. See ya!” Ryujin waves to you both before offering a nod to Dami. “Nice to meet you.”

She runs off in another direction as your attention turns to Dami.

“Why are you here, if you don't mind me asking?”

“I haven't been out of that book for centuries. I just wanted to see how humans lived.” Dami folds her arms before walking to you. “The world is so much different… better, if you ask me.”

“You're not like any demon I've heard of.” You blurt out before biting your tongue. “Sorry, that's probably really mean to say-”

“It's okay, and to be honest, I'd be surprised if I was like any other demon that you met. Not all demons fall from the sky, you know.”

~

It's been three hours, and you're still trying to come to terms with the fact that Dami’s a fallen angel. Who says that to someone after only two interactions with them?

Dami, apparently, because she's been watching you like a hawk as you sit across from her in the campus library.

“You think of me differently, don't you?” 

You don't look up from your computer as you tap your pencil against the desk three times.

Click. Click. Click.

“I don't.” You calmly say before writing an equation in your notebook. “I should be honest with you, though, since you were honest with me. It's only fair.”

You pause for a moment as Dami folds her arms and leans against the chair. She's trying to remain cool, but a small twitch in her left eye tells you that she's more interested than she appears to be.

It's cute.

“I had a friend who summoned a demon from that book… I don't know her name, and I don't want to. She ruined my friend’s life, Dami.” You explain your friend’s story, going through agonizing detail as told through their family and other friends.

You have to pause once to wipe your tears, and Dami offers a comforting hand as the other drops to her side. You, albeit hesitantly, take it. 

She should be cold like ice- undead, unfeeling. But there's some sort of warmth in her touch that can't be explained by the hellfire that she resides in.

Perhaps she's already gotten attached to you. You feel it too, you want to trust her. Can you, though?

She hasn't torn your arm off yet, so you're starting off on the right foot.

Trauma dumping counts as bonding, right?

You bite your lip before shaking your head, feeling the uncertainty of everything crash against you. What are you doing, trusting a demon that hurt someone that you care deeply about?

I can't do this.

“I should go.” You pull your hand out of her grasp as you quickly try to pack your things up. “I'm sorry, I'm probably shit-talking one of your friends that you've known for centuries.”

As you reach for your pencil, Dami grabs your wrist.

“I can't promise that I'm a ‘good’ demon or person,” She softly exhales before looking in your eyes, “but I won't betray you. Not now. Not ever.”

Something pounds, but it's not your head, swimming from the thoughts of your friends and the demon in front of you.

It comes from deep inside you, a feeling that you thought would be forever foreign to you. A magical feeling that “normal” people got to feel. The thing that makes them human, after all.

Your heart pounds.

This isn't you. You need to leave. Now.

Without exchanging another word, you run off into the afternoon light. You know she might follow you, but you hope she'll give you some space. 

I hope she doesn't hate me.

You need to get a grip, and fast, before you rock the boat that's been steadily keeping you afloat for years.

~

Five hours. That's the longest you can last in a little internet cafe before you put your tail between your legs and head home. You know Dami will be there, and you don't want to sleep on a park bench, so home it is.

Will she be mad at me?

Who cares? You're not in love with her, you just like her. 

As a friend. 

As someone you can hang out with. 

Someone to share secrets with.

Friends can kiss, right?

You've known her for less than twenty-four hours. You need to find where your sense of reality has gone and reclaim it before you head into your apartment.

But the key is already in your hand.

Your feet walk up the stairs without your brain telling them to.

You unlock your apartment door to see someone quietly sitting on your couch - the same spot where she helped you with your math homework.

Your stomach and heart fill with dread as you slowly take off your shoes.

She's been kind to you, and you ran off because you were upset about your own feelings.

You felt like a petulant child.

“I'm sorry for running off. I got upset thinking about my friend, and I should have talked through my feelings like a fucking adult. You're not like the other demon, just as I'm not like my friend. Feeling trapped by someone else’s opinions of you is rough,” You toss the keys on the counter before shedding your coat, “trust me, I know.”

Dami looks back to you, and the moonlight casts her in an angelic glow - she was ethereal and you didn't doubt that she was once an angel. You'd be more surprised if she wasn't one of God’s favorites.

Why was she here, instead of in the sky? 

You don't want to pry, but Dami’s the first one to walk towards you.

“I was worried about you,” She softly admits, “a demon, a former angel, a creature much older than you could comprehend, was worried about the safety of a mortal.”

When she is close enough for you to reach out for her, she reaches out her hand.

“I'm not an evil demon or a perfect angel. But I can promise you-”

“I think I like you.” The words spill out of your lips before you can truly think about what you're saying. “I mean, of course I like you, but it's not how I've liked anyone before. I like Ryujin as a friend, she's nice to me and we get lunch sometimes. But you… you're different. And being different scares me. It's not just because you're a demon, it's who you are. It wouldn't matter if you were a demon, angel, or human because I'd still feel the same way.”

You pause to take a breath.

“I'm not normal, and I'm probably not like any human you've met. I don't want a traditional romance with a wedding or kids. I don't want physical intimacy with someone who won't appreciate me. Hell, I don't even know if I want a partner half of the time. The only thing I know,” You take her hand before pulling Dami closer, “is that I want you to be by my side. As a friend or as something more. Whatever we will be, I know we'll figure it out together.”

“I want you by my side as well.” She softly mutters as you place your forehead against hers.

You're both quiet as you envelope yourselves in the serene environment that you've created.

“So, do I meet your devilish friends now, or do I have to take you to dinner first?”

Dami laughs warmly before pulling you close to her.

“Whatever you want.”

You're in deep. She has in her talons sunk deep under your skin, in less than a day. 

She could betray you.

You had to learn how to trust her.

And in time, you will.

[punkshort]

even though sometimes we are all like "damn" @ roommates reader and pornstar!joel bc of how messy it gets (which i get it as someone who generally cannot take infidelity in fics because it brings up sad shit for me), i will say that is hands down on my top 3 fave series of yours for many reasons, that part of the story included. your characters are complex, not perfect, and struggle within the present circumstance they face but damnnnnn if that is not what good storytelling does and you do it incredibly! like life is NOT black/white and you beautifully show the personal baggage those two carry and how they themselves sometimes are not fully cognizant of how its impacting them as the story develops. i know reader initially says she knows it won't work because she's insecure and jealous but so much of that story is timing (which is so true to life)... she could have tried to get over his job, date him right off the bat, but that'd be disastrous. he could have left that industry for her but you never know like maybe it would be difficult for him to not do it in his own time. them needing to find each other in their own time is so poetic and beautiful and real :') AND moreover the way she is completely wrecked after they get caught also feels so so real and true, to her character and also just a person who is now confronted by the consequences of their actions. and i think it makes sense joel would be beyond bummed and upset and a little frustrated after the fall out. i'm sure he feels bad sam got fucked over her, but ultimately reader was his top priority. and he thought now that he had a plan to quit the industry he would be with her soon, but it all comes crashing down and she sort of makes a decision without involving him in it, esp when he obv loves her and prob wants to be involved in that decision :( they just love each other but the timing is off and they kind of don't stand a chance what with living together and falling for each other more and more during that time! watching them deal with the conflict that infidelity inevitably leads to really reveals who they are and made me love them more. i'm done writing an essay bout roommates but i love your writing, and love you, and countdown to swept away s2 begins!

Maaaaan you nailed it, I'm speechless!

Thank you for this! But you literally summarized the entire crux of the plot so perfectly: they found each other, knew there was something special but couldn't get around the big obstacle to be together until they both worked on their own shit and got there separately. I think it was important neither of them asked anything of the other - like reader didn't ask him to quit and he didn't ask her to 'suck it up', for lack of a better term. He couldn't just quit right off the bat, they needed to build a relationship for him to make that sacrifice meaningful. She couldn't date him and try to get over it right off the bat because she needed to feel that trust and love from him first. They both found their happiness and worked through their issues on their own so they could finally get together in the end and be like: alright, we're both good now, we can do this.

And I'm glad you saw the realism I was trying to convey with their flaws: like with Joel bringing his costar to a party. You're telling me if given the opportunity, none of us irl would want to make an ex jealous who was bringing around their new partner? Yeah, it was a dick move because he hurt the girl's feelings, but we all make bad decisions from time to time.

Timing was definitely key throughout the whole thing, but they eventually got there! Sorry I added to this essay but I get so pumped when I see someone just fucking gets it - I do put a decent amount of thought into my stories so I get excited when it pays off, what can I say 🤣

Anyway, thank you again for this! And I'm loving that Roommates is getting love again lately, so thank you to everyone who's been reblogging it and sharing it!

[mortalepithet]

making a post for my veilguard gripes so I can keep track of/add to them:

in general could have been much longer, needed way more time between story beats, way more transitional parts, way more conflict, everything just needed more

companion story arcs are set up as this grand thing by the Varric storybook pieces (which I love btw) and don't actually live up to how exciting they frame them as

not enough interaction with Rook at the lighthouse. if we can't talk to the companions whenever we want, we shouldn't be excluded from conversations when they happen in the lighthouse as this disincentivises you from spending time there

sooooo many awkward facial animations. that half-grin/smirk is haunting me in my dreams and appears at completely inappropriate moments

sooooooooooo many awkward body animations. Recycled hands-on-hips animation in almost every interaction really kills it for me

animations and facial expressions completely not matching the tone of the scene or sentence

so many of Rook's dialogue options don't match the option you pick in the dialogue wheel or are completely different from what the option suggests Rook will say

a lot of messy, very awkward dialogue that could have been written much better. I can only hear Rook say "I'm so sorry" so many times without it seeming like a fall-back when they could have said so much more or said things differently according to the context of the conversation

forces you to be monogamous but keeps in flirting between companions if you're romancing one of them

Rook feels completely disconnected from the factions and companions in terms of power. A lot of the forward action in the game is just "hey [companion] go get me a contact/set up a meeting", lots of the connections happen off-screen "oh hey Rook this person wants to meet"

obvious favouritism for certain Rook backgrounds. Playing as LoF Rook felt like my background didn't even matter, might as well have picked nothing

SO. MANY. UGLY. ARMOUR. SETS.

very minimal ways to customise your armour

previous game characters handled as cameos akin to marvel post-credits scenes

every single decision felt too easy. characters just go along with whatever happens like they've got a word count limit

not enough time with the bad guys. narratively they felt like brooding cartoon villains in a big castle that would occasionally come down to throw a fireball at the siege at their gates then go back in

SO MANY OBVIOUS TUTORIAL NPC ASS LINES THAT DONT EVER STOP. I KNOW I CAN OPEN THE DOOR NOW. I KNOW I HAVE TO DESTROY THE CRYSTAL. I KNOW WE CAN GO DOWN NOW. SHUT UPPPPPP

not enough characterisation for Rook. like they couldn't decide whether they wanted to create an established character for you to play or for you to have a sandbox character to leech your personality onto, and it resulted in an awkward half-character that failed on both fronts

spirits being blue glowing people now. I hate it

severe lack of so many things but why the hell do we hardly see, hear from, or interact with the Dalish

story so bad we have to get crumbs from fired writers' twitter/reddit/bluesky/etc. (fyi entirely framing this as an executive issue, not a writer issue)

reducing "the south" to a few letters from the inquisitor

most of the hair options are ugly

everything is so peachy and bright and righteous like nothing bad ever happens and we're all the good guys and we forgive everyone (cough, crows). it's like the game wants you to be convinced no one around you is ACTUALLY doing anything bad, oh we don't ACTUALLY hurt or steal or kill it's all harmless :)

forces found family but doesn't actually let you enjoy the found family

the whole "we're distracted" thing came out of NOWHERE and was NOT at all what I thought coming out of weishauppt. there was zero set-up for it and it was so unbelievable, could have been handled way better

can't believe I'm saying this but not enough religion. just everywhere, in everything. how can you deal with religious themes and fail to put any in

such an offensive lack of awareness for mixed race/culture peoples in Taash's storyline

also on that note, gross stereotyping even in a game with revolutionary progression

so much of the banter between companions is just full of nothing. you could've used that precious resource to build character, deliver lore, but there's so many empty and wasted words. so much of it feels like padding and without purpose.

Bellara's storyline kind of came out of nowhere. it just felt like "oh btw I have a brother and he's doing some shit" and we deal with it and it's over. the best part of that storyline was the funeral

every mention of events, people, or other things from previous games just feels like someone's poor attempt at saying "hey remember this? :) pretty cool right? :)" and not wanting to do anything more than making a cool reference

the archon choice feels literally useless. happens at the end of the game, zero payoff, zero consequences, why even bring it up

[hugintheraven]

The Dallon-Hawke Torment Nexus

So @kyliafanfiction was discussing a Dragon Age: Inquisition playthrough as Amy, and that started me thinking about porting the Dallon family into the other DA games. Specifically the family-focused tragedy that's my favorite entry in the series, DA2.

So, the obvious first: Victoria Hawke is the Champion of Kirkwall. She's the hero, the one who takes charge and that people look to in a crisis. If she's pretty sure that's fake, that no one can or should trust her with any authority no matter how good she is at crushing people with her shield, well, that's basically just the standard Hawke character development slightly early.

Amy is her sister, adopted out of the Kocari Wilds. Victoria didn't inherit her father's magic, but the little wildling they picked up because they couldn't let her starve had enough power for all of them. She's been pushed heavily into healing, since her mother Carol was scared of her using her power for anything offensive and was paranoid about blood magic. I'm keeping the obsessive crush on Victoria, of course, and the mess that implies.

Mark is their father. Slight change from canon, I'm making him the one who dies fleeing the Blight. He's neglected his magic beyond what it took to teach Amy(and he skimped on that out of respect for his wife), and he's also just tired(meaning pre-industrial clinically depressed) from decades of running and hiding. When the darkspawn attack, Victoria tries to hold them off. When she goes down, Amy rushes in to help her. And then Mark blows himself and every Darkspawn in the area up to save them, a glorious sacrifice that Carol adds to the list of things she blames Amy for. And Amy blames herself for. And Victoria blames herself for. (We'll leave Maquis Flemeth for later)

And of course Carol is the daughter of a rich family who ran off with the love of her life and found a life founded on love is harder than you'd like. She LIKES the Chantry and their rules, she just doesn't think they should apply to her and her family(except maybe Amy). After all, Mark is a good man, why should he be locked up? Clearly he can hold off the demons with just a bit of willpower. Why do mages act like it's so hard?

So they're happy(well, miserable) in Lothering, the Blight happens, they flee, Mark dies, they arrive in Kirkwall. They're expecting the Pelham side of the family to welcome them with open arms, but they're a military family and most of Carol's relatives died when a nearby route to the Deep Roads opened up. Bad luck for the family, and if it was the decisions of Knight-Commander Colin Wallis, who always distrusted the Pelham family's political and military power, who just happened to put those specific units on the front lines, well, the only Pelham left to complain is the disgraced son Mike, who hated his family anyway after his girlfriend's death in the line of fire a few years after Carol left with the love of her life. And he certainly no longer has the money to bring his family of refugees(or even just Carol and Victoria, an option discussed by Carol in front of her daughters) into the city. Thus forcing the daughters into work on the wrong side of the law for the first time in their straight-laced (though fugitive) lives.

Not sure where we go from there. Kaiser is the Arishok, clearly, and Mayor Roy Christner is the Viscount. I think rather than make the Undersiders or Wards the various companions, we should split them up and give Victoria a messy-ass group gathered from everyone since that's what happened to Hawke. And I mostly won't bother labeling them.

That said, Tattletale is Varric, the information broker/budding crimelord who talks her way into and out of trouble, and every interaction with Victoria is her both tempting Victoria into crime and making Victoria question every decision she's made in her life that led her to thinking this is a good idea. Which makes Grue the one who steals the idol and traps everyone in the Deep Roads, though he's doing it BECAUSE he has a family(sister) to support.

We keep Amy being in love with her sister, and she resorts to blood magic to save her. I'm torn here. The thing from both canons would be to have Amy locked up in the Circle, but that means no Amy being tortured and weird around Victoria and fewer options for fun things involving Maquis/Flemmeth. In a true AU, I think the Templars lock her up, but spitballing it's much more fun if Amy sticks around until endgame, and finds herself using blood magic basically constantly because Victoria keeps dragging them into dangerous situations where, really, it's the only logical choice.

(I also have a scene in my head of them in the Fade, a Lust Demon talking to Amy about "I'll give you what you want most" with Victoria's voice/face, Amy panicking because obviously everyone will know now, and instead Tattletale knows but suspected already, everyone else assumes that's about Amy missing her sister who's always too busy for her these days(clearly that family has issues), and Victoria assuming that "Obviously the demon looks like me to me because I have too high an opinion of myself, gee I wonder what Amy sees while it's flirting with her". Everyone walks out of there with a very skewed opinion of what happens and it takes months to work out that the others aren't just being polite.)

Carol of course eventually dies at the hands of a lone serial killer, which crushes Victoria and Amy who no matter how they felt about her, now can't ever really express those feelings to her and get closure.

For the ending, I'm not sure whether we make Taylor Anders/Justice or not. I feel like Taylor is the sort to willingly become an abomination with a good spirit to save people, but I can't see her blowing up a church.

And because of that and other confusion, I'm calling it here. There's a lot to consider if I wanted to do any more with this, and I also really don't want to write it, so I'm throwing this into the world. I fully expect I at least will be trying to map SOMEONE onto Fenris on my drive to work tomorrow and I want to share that joy with all y'all. Have fun!

[saintsenara]

How has being a doctor influenced your writing or ig your viewpoints/person? Currently I’m a med student - haven’t really come across many doctors who also write ff (perhaps I’m not talking to the right people haha). Can you tell me a little more about what meds like for you?

thank you for the ask, anon - and i hope your training is going well.

i'm not going to talk about my speciality etc., for internet safety reasons, and i've received another ask which i will one day get around to answering on wizarding medicine as a science. but i will talk about how medicine has affected my experience in fandom and influenced my writing.

my writing process looks, i think, fairly ruthless from the outside. i’m not somebody who tends to agonise over things like word choice, i never have anything beta-read or seek advice on plot lines as i’m writing, i don’t need little routines or dedicated time to write [i’m a whenever and wherever girly], i hit publish and move on, and i’m generally good at not getting upset by criticism. and that decisiveness is undoubtedly a skill which has been honed by working in medicine, but, like other aspects of my personality which affect both my writing and my career - e.g. that i’m extremely good under pressure, someone with good intuition, able to hyperfocus, a lateral thinker, possessed of a very strong stomach, someone who doesn’t need to stick rigidly to a routine, and emotionally resilient - i’ve always been like this.

and i’ve also always been someone who has a preference for characters who aren’t the good guys.

my writing tends to favour the flawed, the lonely, the grieving, the furious, the self-destructive, and so on. i find the virtuous quite boring, and i really dislike the puritanical streak which a lot of fandom discourse [and, indeed, all media discourse] has developed in recent years. i think it’s incredibly dangerous that liking particular themes, tropes, or characters in fanfiction has come to be equated with the reader’s real-world views and morals, and i think it’s equally dangerous for us to have any assumption that moral purity is possible from either fictional or real people.

that i think this is partially because i’m not fourteen - i remember well the righteousness of youth, and i’m glad that social media wasn’t anywhere near as pervasive then - and i am sympathetic to the fact that a lot of this purity discourse is just teens trying to self-actualise.

but it’s also because it’s something that's completely impossible to do as a doctor if you’d like to be capable of doing your job properly. you will never have a perfect patient, you will never like a perfect character, you will treat them anyway.

when you’re training, i think it’s easy to end up with the assumption that your difficult patients will either have reasons for their difficulties which are so understandable that you can have compassion for them with ease [e.g. the nice young person being slowly locked-in by als who lashes out in grief and rage at how their life is being cut short] or so cartoonishly malicious that you will enter a state of clinical detachment and treat them with nothing more than cool professionalism [e.g. the elderly racist who refuses to be treated by a black doctor]. and you certainly will have lots of patients who fit these extremes of the spectrum.

but you will mostly have people who are very messy and complicated and human. who will be incredibly unpleasant and yet will also tug at your heartstrings. who will be in pain and will be afraid and will be funny and interesting and grieving and who will also have done things in their lives which are horrifying.

your patients will be cruel. they will be sleazy. they will treat the nurses with contempt [do not be the sort of doctor who does the same]. they will be bigoted. they will be rude. they will be annoying. they will be sly. they will lie to you. they will be malicious. the list is endless.

you will treat them anyway.

your patients will make bad decisions again and again - the sixty-a-day smoker who needs oxygen to breathe is probably still going to light up the second they’re out of the building, the person who barely survived covid because they didn’t get the vaccine is going to continue to refuse to take precautions to protect themselves - and you will be infuriated and you will understand how it’s never as simple as just not making that bad decision.

you will treat them anyway.

your patients will choose to be and to remain ill-informed - they will tell you that vaccines can turn children trans, or that the pharmaceutical industry is suppressing the truth that homoeopathic remedies cure cancer - and you will be infuriated and you will understand how it’s never as simple as just changing your worldview overnight.

you will treat them anyway.

your patients will end up in hospital for reasons which are directly and incontrovertibly their own fault - they will be the eighteen-year-old who thought they’d be fine to drive after a couple of drinks and has now killed their friend and given themselves irreversible brain damage, they will be the drug dealer who got stabbed by a rival in a robbery-gone-wrong - and you will be infuriated and you will understand how it’s never as simple as making a different choice when so much in life is a coin-toss.

you will treat them anyway.

your patients will end up in hospital and also be bad people - they will be the child molestor brought in from prison in cardiac arrest, they will be the parents who went to the bar rather than watch their child in the pool and are now having to be told that all resuscitation attempts have failed - and you will be infuriated and you will understand that even the very worst people in the world can be afraid and in pain.

you will treat them anyway.

you will also learn a very important lesson: it is tremendously easy to kill someone.

you will see one failure to check the mirrors while driving, one punch in a pub brawl, one bump of mdma offered to a friend on a night out, one instance of seeing red, one split-second decision which takes a life. and you will recognise that the killer probably thought of themselves as a good person, but that isn’t how this works.

because, of course, the cold, hard truth is that you probably think of yourself as a good person. but you’re going to kill someone too.

not intentionally - I hope. but you are going to act too slowly to begin treatment, or be convinced that someone’s pain can’t be as bad as they say and triage them wrongly, or assume that a patient with dozens of instances on their records of trying to score opiates by claiming to have abdominal pain is lying again, or think that you know better than the patient and their family, or be misled by the charming demeanour of people who are abusing their children. you are going to make a mistake in surgery, or because the lab was backed up, or because you’re tired, or because a&e is at breaking point. and somebody is going to die because of it.

the only thing you can do to stave off that inevitability for as long as possible is to never believe yourself infallible. don’t think of yourself as flawless, or righteous, or moral, or a brilliant genius who works alone. question your expectations; examine your biases; listen to patients properly; be aware of the realities of medical misogyny, racism, and ableism and never think yourself incapable of them; show your unpleasant patients as much compassion as your nice ones; be good to the nurses - they will save your bacon - and be just as good to the porters and the cleaners and the people who work in the morgue; stay educated; inform yourself about the actual experience of people who have, for example, been sectioned, or otherwise treated without respect by the medical system; leave your own problems at the door when you step onto the ward; don’t keep silent if you think one of your colleagues is dangerous; get a second opinion whenever you need to; accept that failure is inevitable; keep trying; recognise that nothing and nobody is ever simple.

treat them anyway.

so too in your life in fandom. never think that you alone have spotless interests, nor that your favourite characters are flawless. examine why tropes or interpretations of characters which allow them to be imperfect make you uncomfortable; examine your biases - is your slash heteronormative? is your portrayal of a non-white character stereotypical?; be nice to your commenters, and take as much as you can of what they say in good faith; remember that people writing fic are real and have complex motivations and experiences; regard it as your duty to confront portrayals of the violent and the cruel with as much compassion as you can; keep writing; recognise that nothing and nobody is ever simple.

write them anyway.

[burningdarkfire]

Do you have any thoughts of a sequel or just the following events for "the monster, the mirror"?

I just re-read it for the nth time and it wrecked me all over again, they're so wonderfully broken

hi nonnie, thanks for reaching out and thank you for your patience! this ended up being long and not directly to your point, but i hope you can find something of an answer that you like in here!

funnily enough, i have thoughts about sequels for 95% of my published fanfiction and somehow, perfectly, "the monster, the mirror" (let's just call it TMTM for this ask) landed in the 5%

but i can talk about anything when given the chance, so ... why don't i have any thoughts about what comes after TMTM?

there's the practical reason that i've simply told the story i wanted to tell, not only in this specific fic but in the werewolf series as a whole. i understand that if you're mostly a shadowgast fan then the other ones probably don't do anything for you at all, but this werewolf AU was pretty much always conceptualized as a triptych and, despite the variance in tone, they were designed to speak to each other. it doesn't need saying that The Wolf Is A Metaphor, the series is in fact about how each member of blumendrei as well as various members of the m9 deal with all of the everything that is in caleb (and thus astrid's and wulf's) backstory and who they are today

(sidenote: i do acknowledge that a perfect triptych probably would've had caleb's section with veth and yeza instead in the interest of symmetry. unfortunately i am also just profoundly a shadowgast fan)

what do i think happens afterwards? well, TMTM is a situation where caleb has chosen to be vulnerable with essek and essek has chosen to massively overstep one of caleb's boundaries, resulting in both of them being hurt. i'm a big fan of sex gone bad situations (desire, fulfilled; nothing burns like the cold) where it's less about finding fault and more about how devastatingly messy it is to be vulnerable with another person. neither of them meant to hurt the other, they both know that they have done something wrong, they both fear how the other will now view them, and they both feel hurt and a little afraid that their trust in the other is misplaced. i think early post-canon shadowgast deals with that by not dealing with it well at all, and very probably they soft ghost each other until others (the m9, astrid/wulf) intervene. in the meantime, the wolf only gets harder to control.

where does the story go from there? if i were to write it, i would aim for a happy ending, where caleb learns how to live with his wolf and essek learns how to let somebody else make a decision, even if he really really disagrees with it

so why won't i write it? part of why i won't write it is because The Wolf Is A Metaphor and i have no interest in spinning that into a lycanthropy that can be understood and tamed. part of why i won't write it is because i don't like writing relationship-bending lack of communication, even if i think it's true to these characters. and the biggest part of why i won't write it is because really what comes next is just the same story about caleb reconnecting with his old friends and coming to terms with everything that happened to them that i am constantly telling, and i struggle to imagine what new material i could bring to that within this frame that would be better than something outside of it

to summarize: i consider the story finished, i almost certainly won't write a sequel, but i do think the caleb and essek of this 'verse will eventually figure it out with the help of their friends, they will wade through a bunch more mess and some more hurt, and then they will learn to trust themselves and each other again and go on to have weird fully consensual werewolf sex in the future :)

thank you again for your ask and your interest in my fic, i'm very glad to hear that you liked it 💖

[bookaddict24-7]

REVIEWS OF THE WEEK!

Books I’ve read so far in 2023!

Friend me on Goodreads here to follow my more up to date reading journey for the year!

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180. Hotline by Dimitri Nasrallah--⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

I knew I wanted to read HOTLINE from the moment I saw the cover and read the synopsis months ago. It offered everything I love in literary fiction: Immigration, a character growing through their experiences, and an interesting point of view that differs from my own when it comes to the immigration experience.

Reading HOTLINE was like seeing a story from the perspective of my immigrant parents. Much like the son in Nasrallah's novel, I came to Canada at a young age. My parents fought tooth and nail to make ends meet and to make sure I had a better future than the life they left behind. Our country wasn't war-torn, but it was going through a special period where food was incredibly scarce and the police handed out jail sentences for too many things. Many people had "one foot at home and one foot in jail" because of all the side hustles they had to do in a country that frowned upon that.

So, seeing a mother striving to do what she could with what little resources she had was incredibly eye-opening. Making the incredibly hard decision of leaving a child alone so you can provide for them was another relatable instance. HOTLINE was such a captivating exploration of how parents sacrifice and compromise in the present for a hopefully better future. It is a complicated story of grief for both someone lost and a dream destroyed by the stereotypes and biases that live in a new country.

It was also jarring to see how life might have been like in the 80s in comparison to today's society, much like the differences between the 90s (when we immigrated) and today. The hustle was real, but (in this case) it paid off in the end--which was a welcome surprise, even if it wasn't entirely a roses and rainbows story. I liked the reality of how messy life can be and how even though a job we never thought we'd have is the only thing keeping you in a less-than-perfect home.

HOTLINE also had a unique level of community that I loved to see. It proves that a village-full of support makes a massive difference. While there were moments of the MC's self-doubt and fear, there were many moments where the reader is reminded that hope can exist even in the darkest moments.

I felt like I was catching a glimpse into a real home and I'm so grateful for the opportunity. Beautifully written! I highly recommend this, especially for those who are constantly seeking out immigration stories.

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181. Some Shall Break by Ellie Marney--⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

I loved the first book in this series (duology?), so I was so incredibly delighted to see that there was a sequel!

I think one of the huge benefits that the first book had was that I knew absolutely nothing about it. I wasn't expecting it to be a YA fictional version of MINDHUNTER, which was an incredibly intriguing nonfiction text about how Forensic Profiling came to be and the process behind it. Seeing a fictional story from a teen POV was interesting and darkly fun.

In this sequel, we don't get as much of that exploration that we did with book one, instead we're mainly focusing on catching the one big bad person and while there are cameos and many, many twists and turns, it wasn't as great of a read as the first one.

This isn't to say that I didn't still enjoy this book! I remember thinking, "Wow, I really do enjoy this author's writing." I was hooked and I really wanted to see where the story would take these characters. It was also kind of sad seeing where trauma can take a person and how far they are willing to go to run from said trauma.

There was a certain level of madness to this book and the evil mastermind behind some of the characters. My mind is doing a bunch of twists and turns just trying to write this review.

I highly recommend the first book in this series, especially with the Fall season upon us. Spook yourself with a YA crime thriller. I think knowing that this is YA makes it all that much more creepier.

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182. The Book of Accidents by Chuck Wendig--⭐️⭐️⭐️.5

I've been eyeing THE BOOK OF ACCIDENTS ever since it came out. I wanted to read it, but I won't lie: the size of it intimidated the hell out of me. I finally bit the bullet when another book I was reading recommended it and I thought, "Why not? It's the perfect season for it."

I'm glad I finally read it, if not for the creepy atmosphere of it, but for the writing itself and how reminiscent it was of Stephen King. I love a good spooky King novel and this one delivered!

Some of the twists in this book were a bit wild, but they all worked together in the end. By the conclusion of the book, the length made sense because we needed to get a well-rounded story. However, during the reading of the story, I did start wondering when it would end. I enjoyed the multiple perspectives, but I kept thinking, "Okay, what's next? Why do I still have five hours left in this audiobook?"

I DO think the concept of THE BOOK OF ACCIDENTS was really intriguing, especially when we start to consider the potential meanings behind the book. Wendig's novel explores boyhood and the consequences of actions and generational trauma. The What-if's of THE BOOK OF ACCIDENTS is probably, to me, the best part because we get to meet a cast of characters that give us a bigger picture of what could have been.

By the end, I did have some questions that were left unanswered, but for the most part, it was a pretty satisfying conclusion. I didn't like the mom and how her mentality worked at times--but it also shows how imperfect we can be as humans. I think that's one of the things I love the most about Horror. Too often we look for the shock and awe in the genre, but forget how complex the exploration of humanity can be in Horror.

Anyway, I'd recommend it if you're a fan of Stephen King. While Wendig isn't exactly as verbose as King, his ability to set a mood and a setting was very reminiscent of the Horror master. If you don't mind the length, then definitely add this one to your TBR list!

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183. The Lamb Will Slaughter the Lion by Margaret Killjoy--⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

I really enjoyed Killjoy's novella and how it creeped me out while reading it in the middle of the night. Although short, it felt heavy enough that I couldn't read this in just one sitting. Which is both a good and eh thing.

The heaviness of the novella is a good thing because it means that I felt like the pages held a lot of meaning. THE LAMB WILL SLAUGHTER THE LION explored grief, the power of love (as cliche as that sounds), family, society and its downsides, and of course, the topic of Power. What does it mean to have power? What do the different kinds of power look like?

The heaviness of the novella can be a bad thing because it sometimes lost my interest. I felt like even though it was short, it lagged in some parts. I wanted answers, but the writing sometimes felt cluttered enough that the answers were always on the next page and, sigh, I was already worn out from reading what I had just read. This is most definitely a me problem, but having just come off two novellas that didn't give me this issue, I found it noticeable enough to note in this review.

I AM super excited for the sequel, though. The way things were left at the end of this book had me genuinely excited to see where Killjoy takes the story!

The characters were all interesting and occasionally morally grey (as can so often happen when magic is involved alongside the concerns we may have for modern-day society), and the topics explored were timely and interesting. If you're looking for an entertaining Queer horror novella with a beautiful cover, then this one is for you!

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184. The Salt Grows Heavy by Cassandra Khaw--⭐️⭐️

I'm either too dumb to understand this book, or I'm one of the few who fell through the cracks with this one and just didn't enjoy it. Some of my friends have read this and they've all enjoyed it thoroughly. Me? I read this and as I'm writing this review, I still have no idea what this book was about.

I know the...general gist of it. But for the most part, this was a blur and I'm lowkey disappointed because I really enjoyed Khaw's haunted previous book.

I'm glad others were able to enjoy this so thoroughly, but it was truly not for me.

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185. Those Across the River by Christopher Buehlman--⭐️

THOSE ACROSS THE RIVER, at its core, had an interesting story premise. Did it have creepy moments? Yes, it certainly did. There were some scenes that were downright gruesome and I'm sure will serve as someone's nightmare fuel. The pacing was great and the twists were entertaining, if a bit predictable. So, why am I giving this a one star rating? Well...

As a historical fiction Horror novel, I expected some of the language in this book. Having read some of Stephen King's older books, I'm no stranger to derogatory language in the Horror genre--especially when they're historical fiction novel. This book, however, was published in 2011 and used racial slurs with such relish that I started to flinch at the words (not that I normally don't--I do, but it was so prominent in this book that it started to overshadow some of the Horror of the book.)

I've also never commented on the descriptions of women in older Horror books because well...given the time they were written in, it was expected. I don't condone it, but some of these books are truly a product of their time. But a book published in 2011 referring to a woman as a dog during sex and then just...treating her as both a sexual and plot device in this book was...a lot. And the irony is how strong she is as a character in her own right. This strength could have been further explored if she had been given a chance by Buehlman. Instead, she is first the property of one man at a young age and then the property of another man, who dehumanizes her during sex.

"Dayla, the book is set in the 1930's!" That's fine, but you can write a woman set in that time without dehumanizing her like you're writing her character in a 70's-80's era of Horror.

So, while the horror of the book is creepy and the twists were great, there were some jarring moments of discomfort in this book that were too much for even me, a King fan. (And that's saying a lot, because those who've read older King know how messed up his writing can be.)

ALSO: Super creepy how there is a scene where a FOURTEEN year old girl catches the male main character's attention. And he actively has to remind himself that SHE IS FOURTEEN. I had finished writing my review and had to come back to add this because I had blocked it out of my head. She is described as "simple", I believe, and while he catches himself "flirting" with her, his wife mentions that she's a little jealous. Like, wtf. LMAO.

Anyway, read this if you'd like, but be prepared. I don't know if I'll read more stuff by this author. We shall see!

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186. I Survived the Joplin Tornado by Lauren Tarshis--⭐️⭐️⭐️

I knew close to nothing about this tornado, but it was definitely fascinating to read about it, especially from the perspective of a child!

I think one of the things that makes these books a bit of a challenge for an adult to read (me, I am this adult) is the suspension of disbelief. I'm glad these characters always have hopeful endings full of miracles, especially because the readers these are targeted for are super impressionable. But...the more I read of these, the harder it is for me to believe all the happy endings. I'm definitely happy that characters like the mc in this one are able to walk away from this disaster, but it's just something I've been noticing.

Maybe I'm growing a little jaded from these books LOL.

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187. Don't Fear the Reaper by Stephen Graham Jones--⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Oh this book was FUN. Yes, the context is dark and murderous, but this one definitely had a lot more going on in it (action-wise) than the first book. I didn't know what to expect with this one because while I enjoyed the first book, I definitely thought it was more of a slow burn horror. This one dived right into the horror!

If you've ever watched the SCREAM movies from the very first one, then you are familiar with Sidney's progression as a character. We see her go through so many stages of PTSD and during all of that, she becomes the ultimate Final Girl. We see the same thing with Jade, the MC of THE INDIAN LAKE trilogy. Her denial, PTSD, and disassociation with her past self was unexpected but also realistic. She's the one who cried wolf once, wasn't believed, and now is watched again to see if she will cry wolf again. She has the pressure of being a survivor and she tries over and over again to pass on that legacy to someone else who could potentially be another Final Girl.

Jones's novel takes place during the holidays, which means that we are in a blizzard of snow and blood. Imagine if all of the killing in the first book were spread out throughout a whole novel and you'll have a better understanding of just how wicked this book was. It felt like I was reading a cursed sequel of a horror classic that was actually...really, really good? It was campy, heartfelt, had many twists, and some pretty intriguing Indigenous touches that made this all the more unique.

I so highly recommend DON'T FEAR THE REAPER. It was such a great read for the Autumn season (any season really), and lived up to my expectations. Will definitely be picking up the final book in the trilogy when it comes out!

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Have you read any of these books? Let me know your thoughts!

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Happy reading!

[myreia]

1, 6, 22 for the ffxiv asks? c:

Thanks, Meredith! 🖤✨

01. Where were they during the Calamity?

Aureia was in the Garlean provinces and with her special ops unit. She was known as Kira back then, and was the second-in-command of her unit with her brother as commander in the field. They were due to be rewarded for their service and a mission going well when the news of what happened in Carteneau reached them.

The Calamity only reinforced something she had been feeling for quite some time, leading her to question everything she knew about her life, the country she was raised in, her purpose and what she was being used for. It took her several months to grapple with it and make the decision the defect (a messy incident in and of itself, she had to fight her whole unit--people she once trusted and cared very much about--on the way out).

06. How did they deal with the massacre on the Waking Sands?

Not well. She was very blinded with rage and grief and the sense of powerlessness. It's the worst encounter she had had with Garlemald since she fled. Her anger manifested in a lot of different ways--mostly at herself at being so scared and holding her tongue. She has a wealth of knowledge about how the Empire operates, she saw the holes in the Waking Sands' defenses, she feared something like this would happen because the location felt so insecure, so underprepared, they didn't know who they were dealing with, not really…

But she put herself first, choosing to bury her history deep rather than help. It's a wake-up call that she can't sit on the sidelines, shut up, keep her head down, go where she needs to go and do what she's told. She knows things the others don't--she needs to put that to use.

She didn't realize how much she actually cared about them all until she lost them.

22. Do you have a unique tale for their job class or is it pretty much like what it is in the game?

Most of Aureia's job classes follow parts of the job quest storylines, but have unique spins on them. Her timeline is 10 years long, so there's a lot of space to shove things in different places. She's a combat specialist and she's been a trained soldier since her youth, so she is canonically an omni-classer. She can pick up pretty much anything and use it, although her skill level will vary and she tends to gravitate towards certain fighting styles over others.

Black Mage is what she knows best, but Red Mage becomes much more important to her later in life in terms of personal growth and balance. Dark Knight and Reaper are what she goes for when her back is against the wall, but they're both extremely unsafe for her to use long-term. By post-ENW, she's mostly reaching for Gunbreaker and Sage.

Mostly Canon-ish

THM/BLM is pretty much canon for her, same with GLD (but not PLD). Both are part of her year of Ul'dah adventures pre-ARR when she's new to the city and trying to scrape together a living.

GNB is mostly canon, with a few additions because of her Garlean history (Vitus Messalla knows exactly who she is, what her unit did, who exactly she killed, and how her defection went down).

DRK is mostly canon, though I'm still fiddling with her relationship with Sid and Fray.

CNJ no, but parts of WHM yes (namely the stuff with Sanche and Gatty). She is also friends with Eschiva.

SGE, yes. Side adventure post-Shadowbringers not long after she expresses an interest in learning how to heal. She doubles down on techniques when she's in Old Sharlayan and starts experimenting; SGE is one of the skills she reaches for the most later in life.

RPR is pretty similar to its quests, with the addition that she's known Drusilla for years and finally breaks down and accepts her offer because she's at her wits end pre-Endwalker and is in bad enough of a mental place to start looking for last resorts.

ROG/NIN has parts that are canon, parts that aren't. The main difference is that Aureia has been very uncertain about using dual daggers because that's her brother's fighting style; she still has the knife she took from him when she thought she killed him when she defected. Training with Oboro opens her up to different skills and a new way of approaching it; she heals from some of her familial trauma by meeting the NIN characters.

MCH, she gets pointed towards Stephanivien by Hilda; I'm not sure how much of the early quests are canon for her, but the Stormblood ones definitely are.

DNC mostly all canon, although Aureia never performs. Troupe Falsaim digs her out of the crowd one day based on her natural grace and she goes along with it because she's intrigued by the fighting style and wants to learn it. She gets in a little too deep and sticks around because she's very concerned they're handling magic they're unequipped to deal with and she's worried they're going to get themselves killed.

RDM is pretty much all canon. She's very fond of X'hrun and Arya; X'hrun's the only mentor figure she trusts implicitly.

Unique Tale

I love the AST quests very much, but she picks up celestial magic from Urianger post-Shadowbringers because she lost a bet (I do think she still runs into Leveva at some point, but she may not be ASTing at the time).

MNK is non-canon; she goes to the Pugilists' Guild in early ARR patches because she can't cast anymore after fighting Lahabrea (residual trauma from using destructive magic against Thancred, she almost killed him). Fighting hand-to-hand is for when she gets scrappy or if she loses her weapon or if for whatever reason she can't draw on aether anymore. The techniques help ground her, and later in life she doesn't truly fight hand-to-hand anymore but she still does the exercises.

For DRG, she started training as a dragoon during Heavensward as an extension of her black mage physicality (she's no turret caster, she's very physical - staffs can be lances!! She will hit you with the pointy end as she sets you on fire!), so the LNC/DRG quests are firmly non-canon for her.

ARC/BRD isn't canon. She can shoot a bow, but not very well. She had to learn on the fly because it was the only weapon she could get off a corpse after falling down into the Palace of the Dead pit. She can't play instruments at all. She has a difficult relationship with music, and certain tones or musical phrases can trigger bad memories and reactions.

ARN/SCH/SMN are not canon. She learns how to summon during some down time in Old Sharlayan near the start of Endwalker. Her carbuncle is very weak, very small, and has no colour and Alphinaud and Alisaie get a little too into helping her figure out what is going on there. The more comfortable she gets with summoning and the more she learns, her carbuncle grows and gets his ruby colouring, but he's always a bit… small and feral and will bite.

I don't know where WAR or SAM fit at this point, since I haven't played much of them!! I will find out soon, I'm sure. 😂I don't think WAR will be canon at all, she's not really a greataxe person. But SAM... we'll see. 👀

[underanothername]

^ How to say you're entirely disconnected from your food source without saying you're entirely disconnected from your food source. Makes me wonder what they'll say when they figure out where eggs come from! Or that veggies are grown in - gasp! - dirt.

As someone who has both seen a cow from less than 10' and had extensive contact with ALL of their bodily secretions (including but not limited to blood, pus, liquid shit, amniotic fluid and rumen juice) I can testify that raw milk tastes delicious. But I'm also pretty damn confident that the cows that milk came from were free from TB and brucellosis - the most significant of the diseases that were historically transmitted through raw milk - and I knew what I was doing. That is to say, I 'understand the problem pasteurisation is solving' because I know the microbiology behind it, not because I'm scared of.. what? Dirt? Real life animals? Anything that isn't 100% sanitised and germ-free?

Don't get me wrong, pasteurisation is brilliant and absolutely necessary in most circumstances. It's saved hundreds of thousands of lives. I don't routinely drink raw milk, and I wouldn't do it at all if I hadn't milked the cow myself less than 12 hours before. Most people aren't in that position.

I don't know, perhaps the OP saw a cow that was particularly unhealthy and judged all cows by that standard. And I get it; cattle can often be messy, mucky, challenging, and beautiful. So is life, if you're doing it right.

And yeah, I'm probably having another autistic moment and taking this too seriously, but it worries me that so many people have no real knowledge of how food is grown and produced. It's hard to value something that you're so divorced from, and it leads to making bad decisions as a society. We owe our entire existence to six inches of topsoil and the fact that it rains, yet societies around the world are doing their best to fuck up both the topsoil and the water cycle.

And don't blame the farmers. It's a systemic issue. Most farmers I know want to fix the problems, not exacerbate them; but the majority of customers are only interested in the price of the product, and 'conventional' farming (ie. the high-input, fossil fuel- and chemical-intensive method that's only really been around for 80 years) produces cheap food. It's hard to do the right thing when that might lose you your business and your home. Things are getting better (in Australia at least) - there's way more support for regenerative farming than there was 20 years ago, and methods that were once seen as the delusional ideas of radical hippies are becoming mainstream. But there's still a long way to go.

[askthemelodies]

so dirk is trying to have a kid/clone to prove a point to himself about being a parent because he killed/caused the last one to die? i hope i'm understanding it right

i am glad you're against a resurrection because to me it sounds like cruelty to bring back the clone/kid back to life.. and back to the custody of the guy who killed him. i'm not the most familiar with any Dirk, but even if he has changed i don't think it'd ever be enough for me to think bringing back Hal as a morally sound decision given he'd be the one that'd have to live with all this just so Dirk can prove a point

the timeline closest to mine has an Alive Hal, although it is very different how everything went down and i'd rather not call him up for intervention, but maybe i could ask the dirk of said timeline to lend feedback if you'd like a second opinion for how your intervention will go?

Woah, no, Dirk didn't kill him!! Gods, no, I'm really sorry if I made it sound like that at all.

Okay. So. Dirk created Hal as kind of like. An experiment, but also as a tool of sorts. A semi-artificial intelligence; a clone of his own brain but built into a supercomputer. And being a kid, he really wasn't thinking of just how much responsibility comes along with creating a new life, even if that life is also you. And Hal, being also a kid, had needs that couldn't be met and also was bad at expressing those needs because that's just how teenagers - and especially Striders - are. They grew up together, constantly at odds with one another, and it was messy for both of them. And playing the game just made things worse.

Enter Dove Strider. Another messed up kid, but one raised directly by Dirk's cross-universal counterpart. Dove's Bro was literally everything that Dirk himself was always afraid of being: abusive, manipulative, horrible in so many ways. And he started seeing a bit of that in the way he acted towards his own brother/son, Hal.

Over the course of the game, Hal at one point became part of Dirk's Sprite, fusing with another person and gaining a physical form, which is part of what he always wanted. And none of them had any way of knowing what happens to Sprites when the game ends, I promise!! Dirk didn't kill Hal, Dirk didn't cause Hal to die, it just happened. One more cruel thing the game did.

And then Dirk met someone who I won't mention further than to say he was another alternate universe counterpart of Dirk who was the worst of the worst. And he's been ruminating on that ever since, this idea that given the right circumstances, Dirk himself could have been any one of these other hims, and still could be.

Which is why he had the idea of creating a new brain clone!! He sees it as a chance at indisputable proof that he can do better, than he can make up for not treating Hal like his own person, and for the things these other versions of him did. Bringing Hal back kind of ties into that in a weird way - the idea of resurrecting Hal not to put him in Dirk's custody or anything like that, but to let him live the life he never got to as Dirk's autoresponder. As a fucked up kind of apology for not being a good brother/father.

I'm of the opinion that neither thing would be the right way to go about any of this. And more importantly, I don't think it's what Dirk actually wants. I think he wants to apologize to Hal, not return him to life!! Then with creating a new brain clone, I'm definitely of the opinion that it's just because he's obsessing over Hal that he's even considering such a stupid thing.

Which is where my plan comes in: I'm asking Kanaya to let him come work in the brooding caverns for a while. Specifically, I want him to to be a grubfather!! I think if he were given the chance to help raise a troll from the new clutch until they age out into the Colonies, it would be the perfect way to give him exactly what he wants: proof that he's not those other versions of himself, and that he can be involved with a person who is dependant on him and not fuck it up. I think it would help him a lot, and I think he would love it.

Ivorry would go along with bringing Hal back to life because that's just who she is. She's all about giving people the ability to change and grow and heal from the hurts of existing. And usually I would support that, but not this time. I think Hal is better off where he is. K'ura was a different story, they did something no Sprite should ever do and separated themselves from one of their components, so being embodied was helpful to them. And I know that because I'm a Sprite. And as a Sprite, I am firmly committed to leaving as many of them be as we can. I can't explain why, but I just know these things. Ivorry knows them too, but she doesn't understand them the way I do, because she's not a Sprite. So, I'm going to overrule her just this once, and make things happen my own way.

[vael]

Remembering My Grandparents

Remembering

In early August, my grandfather (95) and grandmother (87) died on the same day: he, cancer, and she, cerebrovascular disease. I called him Nonno (Non for short, Italian for Grandfather), and she was simply Gram. My mother would instead take up the French Mémé for my children.

My grandparents were very present in my life from childhood to adolescence. I have many memories of them, and I'll share a few to help color who they were, at least to me. They'd pick up me, my sister and my cousin from school and we'd spend the evening there, eating supper and then leaving for home. My cousin and I would spend time on the computer and occasionally watching TV.

I remember Non looking over my messy room when I was ~8 years old. I gestured over the scene I'd made, telling him, "This is the city!" and he mirthfully replied, "No, this is the city dump!" I remember working on the bathroom sink with him and needing to remove some grime from the pipe. I didn't want to do it because it was yucky and he said, "Ah don't be a baby!" and reached in and just removed it with his fingers. He'd take me to and from community college in my loser days; indulge in fun snacks, ask if we wanted more. He liked to stay busy and while I don't know the details, I understand retiring wasn't easy for him.

Gram was cheerful and I have only one memory of ever being scolded. She took me to the chess club at the library and eventually to a chess tournament that I lost fairly rapidly. She practiced massage therapy and had worked on me a few times. The computer at her house was hers and she had decent computer literacy for a while. I want to say I sent her an email once but I cannot remember. When she was a girl, she'd walk with her classmates past a hospital (or medical building) and point to it saying she wanted to work there when she grows up. She became a registered nurse and did just that; this has always stuck with me.

I will regret not making it to their funeral. I moved away from Rhode Island and all family in February 2019, down to South Carolina to start the next phase of my life. I thought we'd visit more, but at that time, I didn't know we wanted more kids. Circumstances have kept me rooted here, missing my sister's wedding and now my grandparents' funeral. I didn't feel guilty, because it was unavoidable, but I still felt bad about it. I have a picture of them in a frame on my shelf. Mmm. What I should feel guilty for is not calling them since 2021. I could never bring myself to do it for some reason. I think there is some psychological effect of isolation and not seeing people for so long that contributed to my inability to do so. Still I will accept it as my own shittiness.

Legacy

A person is shaped by the sum of their life experiences and biological heritage. Our ancestors, therefore, transcend time; they live on within us. As I became a fully actualized adult, I started to draw parallels and be conscious of similar traits -- both good and bad -- that I had inherited from experience and biology. It's surprising how much I attribute to my grandfather. I'm grateful to have inherited his and my father's ambition and work ethic, even if it sorta drives me crazy. I don't imagine that I am directly continuing his legacy, but I am a reverberation. I am grateful for him and for the life I have because of my grandparents.

Pictured is a decorative sign with the words, "all because two people fell in love." It hangs on a wall in my grandparents' house, accompanied by many pictures of the family. Since their deaths, I have been thinking more than I usually do -- already a fair amount -- about ancestry and legacy. Their decision to have five children lead to seven grandchildren and (currently) four great grandchildren. It was a necessary sacrifice they made, and it's a sacrifice that many otherwise capable couples are opting out of in 2024. I cannot even comprehend the ripples that were made already, and certainly not what will be made, from their decision to have five kids. I wish I could have more. The love I feel from raising my children every day is something no one should opt out of.

I've decided that when the time comes, I will be 'Nonno' to my grandchildren. I do not have such a short memory that I should feel guilty about this because of how little communication I had with my grandparents in their final years. I was very satisfied with my grandparent experience and I will seek to be as great a grand-dad as him (or even better, as we all desire). I will continue making my ancestors' sacrifice worth it, and so shall, in time, achieve transcendence of my own.