#both my darlings hurt so bad i literally cannot read this book

[lostandbackagain]

bee: leave me alone you're not my dad or whatever and I don't want you to be

bee when beloved leaves her alone: Ö

[hotxcheeto]

Fluff alphabet with kate ?

━ 𝐊𝐀𝐓𝐄 𝐅𝐋𝐔𝐅𝐅 𝐀𝐋𝐏𝐇𝐀𝐁𝐄𝐓

𝙥𝙖𝙞𝙧𝙞𝙣𝙜(𝙨) - Kate Marsh x G/N!Reader 𝙬𝙖𝙧𝙣𝙞𝙣𝙜𝙨 - Cursing, Mentions of sadness, mentions of bad family

𝙥𝙧𝙤𝙤𝙛𝙧𝙚𝙖𝙙 ? - Yeah/Nope

𝙖𝙪𝙩𝙝𝙤𝙧'𝙨 𝙣𝙤𝙩𝙚 - I hope this is the right template, took a while to find it. I've been so mentally drained lately, doing my best darling.

A = Activities (What do they like to do with their s/o? How do they spend their free time with them?)

Read, Kate loves to read to you. Especially on rainy days, just laying together. Listening to the sounds of thunder as she reads to you quietly, blushing every time she catches you staring at her. Or just showing off her drawings to you. Walks in the park or just in Arcadia along the road are her favorites as well. Seeing all the animals, her favorites are the bunnies or birds. B = Beauty (What do they admire about their s/o? What do they think is beautiful about them?)

Everything. You are so amazing in her mind, someone who is so gentle with her but can be so rough to everyone else. The way you hold yourself is her favorite, she admires and loathes your confidence and the way you'll tell anyone and their grandma to stick it where the sun doesn't shine. Kate adores everything about you, you're so... you. C = Comfort (How would they help their s/o when they feel down/have a panic attack etc.?)

Very touchy, lovey. Whisper sweet nothings in your ear. Hold you and let you cry about it, or just complain until your throat hurts. Kate will listen to all of your tyrants about shitty people at work or your bad home life, whatever it is. She'll sit there patiently and listen, commenting here and there. D = Dreams (How do they picture their future with their s/o?)

Kate loves her drawings, imagining herself as a children's book author. You with whatever career you're pursuing, sitting in a little house, with an extra room because she adores children and she wants to make sure you'll both have room. A few cats as well, loves cats, drinking coffee and sitting in front of the fireplace together listening to whatever show is on. A dream, really. E = Equal (Are they the dominant one in the relationship, or rather passive?)

Very passive, love Kate and she can get a little feisty but you easily shadow her into a corner. Kate likes you making decisions for her, talking to people for her, just stepping up in general. Makes her feel safe, that she always has someone to fall back on. She's a nervous wreck more than half the time. And you cannot resist those puppy dog eyes. F = Fight (Would they be easy to forgive their s/o? How are they fighting?)

You two rarely fight, you're usually the more angry one when it happens. Kate doesn't really get angry, unless its dead, deep serious. But she's very forgiving, and very quickly. Guilt sets in, even if it isn't her fault, which is usually isn't. She forgives way too easily in your opinion, one of you main arguments. She just takes hits, and you hate it. You love her too much for her to take that pain. G = Gratitude (How grateful are they in general? Are they aware of what their s/o is doing for them?)

VERY. Literally cherishes everything you do for her because she knows that sometimes her nervousness or submissive demeanor could get on other peoples nerves. Her people pleasing nature when it comes to most. She knows most of what you do for her, and she'll literally treat you so well for it. H = Honesty (Do they have secrets they hide from their s/o? Or do they share everything?)

No, she tells you everything. Almost everything. Kate doesn't like to be trouble, or 'bother' you even thought you have told her a million times that she could never bother you. You love her to a million pieces. So you can usually get it out of her. You tell her everything though, she's like your diary. Will keep a secret till the day she dies. I = Inspiration (Did their s/o change them somehow, or the other way around? Like trying out new things or helped them overcome personal problems?)

Yes, you're the person that inspires her stories, just little jokes you to have gets her gears turning. You really help her come out of her shell aswell, you'd never push her to far, just slightly past the line, test the waters. You know when it's too much for Kate. Just like she knows when something is too much for you. J = Jealousy (Do they get jealous easily? How do they deal with it?)

Not really, when it comes down to it. Sure she'll get a bit insecure at times. But a good talk is usually the best thing you could do for the both of you. K = Kiss (Are they a good kisser? What was the first kiss like?)

Every kiss begins with K(ate). She's a shy kisser. Blushed like a tomato the first time you both kissed. Couldn't believe it, it was adorable. Kate prefers pecks, rather than deep kisses, but she's a pretty okay kisser. Just, new at it all. L = Love Confession (How would they confess to their s/o??)

Very random. Just spits it out if it comes down to it. Red in the face from something you'd said. Or you'd say it first, just because its very easily to tell when Kate has a crush. You knew, even if she denies it, you knew for sure. M = Marriage (Do they want to get married? How do they propose? What would the marriage be like?)

Yes, a thousand times yes. They do say every kiss begins with K. She'd want you to purpose, if she did, and that is a very big if, it would be small. Just a simple 'here please marry me? Love you.' Super sweet and shy about it. Best wife every, lovely lady that you could be with forever. Will make you breakfast every morning, and do know she will remember every single anniversary. N = Nicknames (What do they call their s/o?)

Honey, Love, Darling, Babe (rarely but very cute when she does) muffin (jokingly) O = On Cloud Nine (What are they like when they are in love? Is it obvious for others? How do they express their feelings?)

Literally like a romcom. Kate is head over heels in love with you and nothing is pulling her out. And it is very obvious to other people. She's adorable, what can you say, like a puppy. Very sweet, very soft when talking to you. Likes to talk to you, just talk. P = PDA (Are they upfront about their relationship? Do they brag with their s/o in front of others? Or are they rather shy to kiss etc. when others are watching?)

Very nervous like I said, doesn't like more than holding hands in public or little kisses on the cheek or forehead. They don't say much to other people, if they bring you up she'll definetely make sure to send a little compliment your way. But everyone can see it, you treat Kate amazingly and Kate loves you to the moon and back. Goes bright red when you kiss her in front of other people, not a big fan of it. Q = Quirk (Some random ability they have that’s beneficial in a relationship.)

Very easily talks you out of doing something stupid/out of anger. She c calm a tiger down from a fight. R = Romance (How romantic are they? What would they do to make their s/o happy? Cliché or rather creative?)

Very. Romcom, loves romance books. Does everything to please you even when you tell her time and time again that she's perfect. Very cliché, make you breakfast in bed, expects flowers. Loves those token couples in shows no matter who they are, strives to make your relationship as lovey dovey as you'll let her. She's your soft spot, of course you'll let her do whatever romantic stuff she wants. S = Support (Are they helping their s/o achieve their goals? Do they believe in them?)

VERYYYY. Kate is your biggest fan, number one cheerleader no matter what. Kate will forever be there ready to cheer you on, pick you up, give you advice. No matter what. T = Thrill (Do they need to try out new things to spice out your relationship? Or do they prefer a certain routine?)

Loves her routines, like I said, takes a minute to inch her out to try other things. Go slow, test waters. Likes small, spread out changes to the routine, but very much likes your routine. U = Understanding (How good do they know their partner? Are they empathetic?)

Very, very empathetic and understanding. Can reach into your depths and tear out your soul if need be. Pulls at your heart strings, really. She knows you better then she knows the back of her hand. Always knows what's wrong when you're upset, and always knows how to calm you down out of it. V = Value (How important is the relationship to them? What is it’s worth in comparison to other things in their life?)

Extremely important, you are part of the top of the pyramid. Her family and religion is a huge part as well though, but when it comes to certain aspects you usually have a say. W = Wild Card (A random Fluff Headcanon.)

Loves to bake with you. Like, loves it, especially finding new recipes to try. Staying up late in your kitchen laughing about how bad your cupcakes are while hers are perfectly frosted. If she didn't do kids books, she could be a baker. X = XOXO (Are they very affectionate? Do they love to kiss and cuddle?)

Yes, but in private. Doesn't like doing that out in public as I said. But loves to cuddle and kiss in private. Especially cuddling up on a rainy, thunderstorm filled day and just talk or read. Or even just hugging you as you cook or laying with you while you do homework or the other way around. Likes cuddling. Loves cuddling. Cuddling is needed. Y = Yearning (How will they cope when they’re missing their partner?)

Calls you all the time if she can. Loves to just hear your voice. Kate often will talk to her stuff animals, a council of great minds honestly. Just telling them about you like they hadn't heard it before. Cuddles with them and pretends its you. Z = Zeal (Are they willing to go to great lengths for the relationship? If so, what kind of?)

Yes, she'd do a lot to protect you. Especially with her people pleaser tendencies. Its an argument you have a lot. Put you love her and she loves you. And that's enough to put up a fight for it.

[keanureevesisbae]

sugar sugar - the planning 3.0

Summary: Someone the engaged couple both didn’t expect, is coming back into their lives

Sugar Daddy!Henry Cavill x Becky Kim (asian OFC)

Warnings: Light mentions of an argument. Mentions of hospital, cock warming (it’s becoming their thing now) and some rough sex (spanking, anal play, vibrators - the whole deal)

Wordcount: 4.9k

Masterlist // Sugar Sugar Masterlist // Sugar Sugar the wedding Masterlist // Previous chapter // Next chapter

March 1st 7 p.m.

Work has been killing Henry lately. He grows more and more tired and to my own surprise, he is even in a bad mood every now and then, a rarity when it comes to Henry. He hates talking about what is bothering him and I hate having to pry.

But it has been enough. I don’t like the fact he continues to lock himself in his office at work and I decide to surprise him. He always likes surprises, especially these ones I arranged myself.

I barge into his office and I see… He is actually taking a nap? That’s new. He only takes naps at home, with his hands slipped underneath my shirt, his head resting on my chest. His eyes flutter open, ready to scold anyone who came in, until he realizes it’s just me.  ‘Thought I locked the elevator,’ he says, ‘made it unavailable.’

‘I have a surprise for you,’ I say, as I walk up to him and ignoring the fact that he might’ve made it unavailable for me as well to come up here. He probably didn’t mean it like that.

‘Okay, what is it?’

I hop on an empty corner of his desk. ‘I made reservations for us at the Plaza and afterwards, you and I can do all sorts of things in all sorts of compromising positions, if you know what I mean.’

Henry frowns, the complete opposite reaction I was expecting. ‘I can’t, baby.’

‘Why not?’ I ask him. ‘I checked your schedule and it’s all free. You have time and you should take time. You’ve been working really hard.’

‘I know, but I can’t. I have too much to do here.’

I don’t understand. He has been working non stop this week and he still doesn’t have time? He always makes time for me, for us. ‘It’s just one night, Henry,’ I try again.

‘I already told you that I can’t.’

Oh, he is in a mood? Never did he sound so… Flat and borderline annoyed when he is talking to me.

‘Oh,’ I say, not really sure how to handle this type of disappointment. ‘Sure?’

‘Damn it, Becky. Yes, I’m sure. I have tons of work to do and I cannot afford to take a break now! Some people actually have tons of work to do.’

Okay, he is mad at me now, something I totally didn’t deserve. I think I didn’t deserve it, I’m not even sure right now. Maybe this was too much? Yeah, it was too much. I shouldn’t have done that. ‘Well, excuse me for trying to do something nice for you,’ I say, sliding off his desk. ‘Good luck with work.’

‘Are you mad?’ he asks me.

He has some guts. Yes, I’m mad. ‘No, why on earth would I be?’ I ask in a petty tone, as I walk backwards towards the elevator. ‘Bye Henry, hope you finish your work.’

‘Baby, wait,’ he says, but I don’t listen. With large strides I near the elevator and get in, not even looking at him anymore. As the doors slide shut, I grab my phone and send both Genevieve and Viola a text.

Becky: You girls want to spend the evening at the Plaza?

Genevieve: Is that even a question?

Viola: When?

Becky: Thirty minutes?

Genevieve: I’ll be there in ten.

✤ ✤ ✤

Genevieve, Viola and I are sitting in the Plaza, the three of us looking over the city, as we enjoy the view. Well, they are enjoying the view. I keep on thinking about Henry. He never snaps at me like that, just like he never calls me by my name. It’s always sweetheart, darling or my favorite: baby girl. For him to call me ‘Becky’ means I did something wrong, right? Was I out of line? Should I have checked with him? I mean, surprises are meant to surprise, so I shouldn’t have told him, right?

My brain is working overtime, unable to actually enjoy hanging out with my friends.

‘Earth to Becky,’ Viola says, nudging my side. I look up from my wine glass. ‘Honey, you’re still thinking about you and Henry? It’s just a little set back, nothing too bad.’

‘Oh my,’ Genevieve says, ‘are you that disgusting type of couple that never fight? I fight with Greg all the time.’

‘We know,’ Viola butts in. ‘Come on, Gen, you know that Becky doesn’t do well with fighting. Besides, Henry is the type of man that is above pointless fights with his fiancée. Becky, what can we do for you?’

‘I don’t know. Cancel the wedding?’

Genevieve chokes on her drink. ‘For heaven’s sake, Becky, please tell me that is a joke. I swear, if you are going to cancel, I will kill you.’

I glare at her. ‘It may have been a poorly misplaced joke and a total overreaction from my side. Sorry.’

She takes a breath out of utter belief. ‘Don’t do that. I can take jokes about a lot of things, but not our wedding day.’

‘My wedding day, Gen. I’m the one getting married.’

She snorts. ‘Okay,’ she chuckles, rolling her eyes as if she cannot possibly believe that I just called it my wedding, instead of ours. ‘Anyways, I actually got a call from the bridal shop. The bridesmaids dresses are gonna be done at the end of the month, so make sure you can join us for the final fitting.’ Genevieve lets out a squeal. ‘Ah, I’m so excited. You know what comes after the wedding?’

‘Honeymoon?’ Viola and I ask.

‘Yes, that too, but also kids. I think that we should get at least once get pregnant together, because that is such a cute friendship thing for us to do.’

I don’t know if I can handle being pregnant and dealing with Gen’s hormonal mood swings, but I keep those words to myself.

‘Since our little baby factory is probably gonna have a few, Viola and I will have time enough to get it right.’

‘Do you have to call me a baby factory?’ I ask Genevieve. ‘I say once that a large family is okay for me and all of the sudden I’m a baby factory.’

‘I mean, you’re having at least two and with the way you guys are at it, there is a chance his little soldiers will find their way multiple times. One way or another.’

‘Stop talking,’ I say to Genevieve, as blood rises to my cheeks.

Viola tries to contain her laughter, but fails miserably. ‘Are you finally gonna tell her?’

Now I’m confused. ‘Tell me what?’

‘A few months back I kinda walked in on the two of you.’

Genevieve could’ve literally told me that she was gonna be president of name a country and I wouldn’t be as surprised as I am now. ‘What?’

‘Yeah, you left your keys at my place, so I figured I would bring them to you. However when I walked in, I was met with loud moans and skin slapping.’

Oh, no, I want to die.

‘It was really hilarious,’ she continues, ‘because you were on the back rest of the couch and let’s just say that you have a respectable boob size, you two kiss hella sloppy and Henry’s ass naked is delicious.’

I look at my glass of wine and gulp it all down, hoping that drinking my embarrassment and humiliation away would make the situation less awful.

It’s not working.

‘I kinda wished you never told me this,’ I mumble.

Viola finally bursts out into the loud laughter I was expecting from her a few moments ago. ‘This is gold, I wished I had this reaction on video.’

Genevieve chuckles. ‘So yeah, when I say you two are at it like bunnies, I’m not lying.’

✤ ✤ ✤

When I arrive back at the apartment, I almost forgot about the little situation Henry and I got ourselves in. Genevieve and Viola always know the exact things to tell me that makes me forget about a lot. Seeing Henry sitting on the couch, clearly beating himself up, almost makes me feel sorry for him, however I decide to be a petty bitch.

He really did hurt my feelings.

I walk straight to the kitchen and despite me hearing him follow me, I disregard my instinct and don’t turn towards him.

‘Becky,’ he says, his tone soft and slightly unsure. Him calling out my name in a tone like this, is an indication he is aware of the thin ice he is skating on.

‘Mhm?’

‘I’m sorry.’

‘What for? You were busy and I was intruding.’ I let the tea bag soak for a few moments. ‘You know, Genevieve, Viola and I had a great time together,’ I continue. ‘I arranged amazing seats at the Plaza. It had a view over the Hudson and we saw a lot of fairies.’ I know those are his favorite spots and he always tells me that one day he’ll take me on a fairy. ‘Never been on a fairy before.’ That’s a jab I knew would hurt the most. Damn, I’m awful. With the mug in my hand, I turn around, to see that Henry is looking slightly uncomfortable. ‘How was work? Did you finish it?’

He shakes his head.

Don’t say it, Becky. ‘Oh, why not?’ Damn it, Becky.

‘You serious?’ he asks. ‘We had an argument.’

‘Oh, don’t be silly, Henry. It wasn’t an argument. You were working and I had some poor planning. A small misunderstanding. Happens to all the couples some day.’

He sighs. ‘I shouldn’t have spoken to you in that tone,’ he says. ‘You were right, I could’ve needed a break. Work has been killing these last few weeks and I… I keep convincing myself I can do it all…’ He leans against the kitchen island and folds his arms. ‘Truth is, we lost some investors and I’ve been trying to rectify the situation. It’s just that it’s not working.’

Oh, I didn’t know that. Now I feel sorry for being so bitchy to him. ‘I see,’ I mumble. ‘Why didn’t you tell me?’

‘I didn’t want you to worry,’ he says.

‘You understand that I can read you like a book, right?’ I ask him. ‘Henry, I’m gonna be your wife, I know when something is bothering you.’

‘I know and to take it out on you, wasn’t fair to you. I’m sorry.’

I nod, placing the mug on the counter. ‘I’m sorry too.’

‘Sorry for what?’

‘For being petty and inconsiderate of your time. I shouldn’t have just surprised you like that. I know you’re busy.’

‘But never too busy for you. You did everything right. Checked my schedules, arranged it at a time where I barely have anything to do. It was the perfect surprise. Having dinner with you at the Plaza is one of my favorite places to have dinner with you. Staring at those fairies is what we do.’ He carefully approaches, still unsure whether or not we’re on the same page. ‘You have nothing to apologize for. The only one who was at fault was me.’

I grab him by his tie and pull him in a hug, wrapping my arms around his shoulders. He nuzzles his face in my neck, whispering soft apologies.

‘It’s all good,’ I say. ‘I’m sorry for being petty.’

‘No, no, no, don’t be. I deserved that one. Especially after the tone I used on you.’ He pulls back a little and presses a soft kiss on the tip of my nose. ‘How about I take you to dinner tomorrow night?’

‘Sounds good. But you have to call this time,’ I say.

Henry raises his eyebrows in surprise. ‘You made the reservations yourself?’

I nod. ‘Hence the reason I might got a little bit extra defensive.’

He smiles at me, before giving me a kiss. ‘I’m so proud of you, baby. Practice makes perfect.’

‘I know,’ I say with a soft smile on my lips. ‘We’re good again?’

‘More than good,’ he chuckles. He lifts me on the counter and stands in between my legs. ‘How was it with Genevieve and Viola?’

‘Good,’ I say, ‘just discovered that Genevieve once walked in on us having sex.’

His eyes enlarge. ‘Really?’

‘Yes, really,’ I say. ‘She told me I have a respectable boob size, we kiss sloppy and that your naked ass looks really good.’

He lets out a nervous chuckle. ‘Your boobs are perfect,’ he says and I slap him across his chest. ‘You know I can never look at her again?’

‘Don’t be ridiculous,’ I laugh. ‘It’s nothing. She’ll just pester us with it for a while and then she finds something else to humiliate me with. Really, it’s no big deal.’

March 20th 2 p.m.

I place the groceries in the fridge, after I got back home. I actually want to plan cooking Henry some dinner so I bought all the ingredients I think I need. He always does so much for me, so it’s only fair that I’m doing it too every once in a while.

Let’s just hope I don’t fail miserably.

My phone starts to ring and I quickly pick up. ‘Hello.’

‘Good afternoon, is this Becky Kim?’ a female voice asks.

I frown. ‘Yes, this is her. Is everything alright?’

‘My name is Alicia, a nurse at NewYork-Presbyterian. I’m calling in regards of Sehun Kim.’

Dad? That Sehun Kim? Too say I’m absolutely flabbergasted is an understatement. ‘Excuse me if I come off extremely rude, but I’m sure I’m not registered as his next of kin. Isn’t there someone else to call?’

‘Well miss Kim, you are his next of kin. Your father had a ruptured appendix. Thankfully he got to the hospital in time, but his health is severely declined. We are keeping him here for a few days, to see if everything is alright.’

I lean against the sink, thinking about my next move. ‘Is there anyone with him right now?’ I ask.

‘No, miss.’

I sigh deeply. What to do, what to do? ‘I’ll be there shortly.’ When I hang up the phone, I arrange the chauffeur to drive me to the hospital and I grab some stuff I need. As I step into the elevator, I text Henry to tell him what’s going on.

Becky: My dad is in the hospital, I’m going there right now

Daddy 🥰: Darling, are you okay? Do you need anything?

Becky: I’m taking the driver. Just be there when I get home?

Daddy 🥰: Of course, baby girl. Just tell me when you need something, okay?

Becky: Will do

✤ ✤ ✤

I have been looking at my father for a few minutes now from behind the glass. He looks a lot older than I remember him. I wonder why I’m next of kin and not my mom or my siblings.  I mean, he hasn’t seen me in so long, I literally told my family I never wanted to see them anymore and that included him.

With my arms crossed in front of my chest, I hesitate whether or not I’m gonna open that door and walk into his room.

I mean, I kinda want to.

I always felt like my father and I were pretty much the same, however he never showed me how much he loved me. It always seemed easier to love my siblings than me, but maybe there were certain things that held him back.

I never asked him and now I finally have a chance.

Finally I mustered up the confidence to just do it. I open the door and walk in. He is awake and looks at me, but like usual he isn’t saying anything. It could be hurtful, but it doesn’t feel like that. I walk towards the side of the bed. ‘Are you okay?’ I ask him.

Still he is unable to talk, but I see it. I see his eyes filling with tears and for the first time in forever, I see the hurt he probably had to endure all this time.

‘Dad, please say something to me.’

‘I’m sorry, Becky,’ he then says, his voice breaking in the process. ‘I’m so sorry.’

‘What for?’

‘For not standing up to you. For not being the dad you deserved, you needed.’ He rubs his eyes with his fingers and adds: ‘What kind of father allows this type of crap?’

I honestly don’t know, so all I can do is simply shrug. ‘I’m guessing mom wasn’t too kind on you either.’

He shakes his head. ‘She wasn’t.’

‘Then why didn’t you divorce her?’ I ask, in a harsher tone then I originally intended to. ‘Took me with you? We could’ve been happy, dad, just the two of us.’

‘I know, I know.’

‘Then why didn’t you do it? Why didn’t you stand up for me?’

‘Because I was scared.’ It must be so painful for him to admit it, but I rather want him being honest with me, then him dancing around the subject. He was scared and I can’t blame him for it. Mom was (and I presume still is) pretty scary and if she was mean to me, I don’t think I can even fathom what happened between her and dad.

‘But why am I next of kin?’ I ask. ‘You have Liam and Celine.’

‘They are not you,’ he says and that hits something deep in my heart. ‘I was too scared to call you and tell you how sorry I am, so I changed you to my next of kin a few months back. I know, it was weak and I’m a coward, but it was the only way I felt like I could do ever talk to you again.’

It happens before I can even stop it. I place my hand on his and at first, dad doesn’t move, but then he holds my hand tightly in his.

‘I’m sorry, Becky. I’m so sorry.’

‘I know,’ I say. ‘I know.’

‘I can’t imagine what you went through. I should’ve been there for you, I should’ve protected you.’

I don’t know what to say, so I simply grab a chair and drag it next to his bed, before taking place on it. ‘Then tell me everything you went through,’ I whisper, ‘maybe we can understand each other.’

✤ ✤ ✤

The afternoon turned into the night and it’s already seven p.m. when I arrive back the penthouse. It was both draining and very insightful. Everything I went through, my dad went through as well, for being a more shy personality, more serious and less out there. While I knew he would draw the short end of the stick when we were all together, he got it real bad when he was alone with my mom. The thing was: it didn’t stop when I moved out, when I told them I never wanted to see them again.

It only got worse.

Somehow me ending up in juvie, was his fault.

I close the door of the apartment and Henry says: ‘There you are. Baby girl, how are you?’

‘I’m okay,’ I say, though that is not quite the truth. ‘It went well.’

Henry stands up and walks over to me. ‘Glad to hear.’ He gives me a kiss, as his hands find mine. ‘Your dad is gonna be okay?’

‘Yeah, he just has to stay to see if all goes well tonight.’ I let out a deep sigh. ‘I missed him.’

He nods, allowing me to find the words to describe how I’m feeling.

‘We talked for a long while,’ I continue. ‘But I’m going back tomorrow, because I feel like we have a lot to catch up on. Wanna join me?’

‘If you want me to, I’ll happily go, you know that.’

I don’t want to cry, I think I did that enough the last few hours, however a few tears escape. ‘Daddy, can you hold me?’

He doesn’t waste a single second, before he hoists me up in his arms, holding me closely to his body. ‘I’m right here, sweetheart.’

I close my eyes, as I cling onto him. I start to sniffle, but it’s enough for Henry to be alerted.

‘Baby girl. What is it? What do you need?’

‘A hug.’

He pulls back a little and cocks an eyebrow. ‘That kind of hug?’

I nod. ‘Please?’

‘Of course.’ He carries me to the sauna, where he undoes me from my clothing and quickly shreds himself from his. We step into the hot sauna and I sit on his lap, before he starts the preparations. His hands massage my entire body, as I place my forehead against his. ‘I love you,’ he whispers against my lips.

‘I love you too.’

‘You did well today.’ He squeezes my breasts in his large hands, flicking my nipples and it’s already doing its magic trick in between my legs. ‘I’m proud of you, because it mustn’t be easy.’ He gives me a kiss, before he brings his lips to my hardened nipple, wrapping them around the sensitive nub.

I kiss him on his hairline. ‘You are?’

‘Oh baby, you have no idea.’

I reach down, grabbing his semi hard cock and rub his tip against my clit. I whimper, causing Henry to look up. He kisses me, soft and slow. ‘When you’re ready,’ he says.

I line him up near my throbbing entrance and I sink onto him, biting away the slight pain as I stretch around him. Henry rubs my clit and the pain quickly subdues. He leans back against the wall, pulling me onto his chest, his fingers drawing soft circles on my back.

I don’t know how long we are in this position, but when I open my eyes again, I feel pretty drowsy, almost like I fell asleep.

Henry is already awake, still holding me close against him, not caring that we’re both drenched in sweat. ‘Hi, baby girl,’ he whispers.

‘Hi.’

‘You were gone for quite a while. We’ve been here for an hour, or so.’

I smile. ‘I feel better, thank you.’

‘That’s good, that’s good.’ He gives me a kiss and says: ‘You look better.’

‘Daddy,’ I whisper, ‘I love you.’

‘Oh, I love you too.’

I rock my hips on his and he hums in content. ‘Fuck me,’ I beg. ‘Please do. I need it.’

‘How do you need it?’ he asks. ‘Rough? Soft? I’ll give it to you, baby girl. Just tell me what you need.’

I bite my lip. ‘I need it rough, daddy. Please, I need it rough.’

✤ ✤ ✤

When I ask for rough, I’ll get it even rougher. Henry used his tie to restrain my hands above my head, so he has his hands free to press the vibrator against my clit while he pounds himself inside of me. He is ruthless, but that is exactly what I need.

My mind is blank, as the only things I feel is being overpowered, loved and taken care of. I don’t know how many times I already came, but my sobs are quite telling.

‘You gonna cum again, baby?’

I nod, before my eyes roll back and my juices squirt passed him. Telling from his grunts, he is close as well.

‘Shit, baby girl, you feel so fucking good around me.’ He throws the vibrator to the side, tightening his grip on my hips, as I ride out my high. I’m a crying mess, tears dripping over my cheeks and that’s about the same time his hips stutter against mine, his warm seed spilled deep inside of me. He unties my hands, before giving me a sloppy kiss. ‘You okay?’ he asks, still buried inside of me.

‘I’m fine, I’m fine.’

‘You feel better?’

I smile. ‘I do, thank you, daddy. I needed that.’

He gives me a kiss on my lips and wipes away the tears. ‘You want to talk about it or not?’

‘I don’t want to talk about it. I’m just glad you helped me out here.’ I place my hands on his chest. ‘Could need a shower, though.’

‘I know,’ he chuckles. ‘How about you take a shower, I’ll clean up in here and then join you?’

‘Sounds good to me,’ I whisper. ‘I love you.’

‘I love you too, baby girl.’

March 21st 11 a.m.

The next day I’m back at the hospital, only this time I took Henry with me. He holds my hand in his and gives me a reassuring kiss on my fingers. ‘You want me in there with you two immediately?’ he asks me.

I don’t need to think about that for very long, because I quickly nod. ‘Of course. I actually quite need you in there.’

We stop in front of his door and I take a deep breath before knocking three times and peaking around the corner. ‘Dad,’ I say, causing him to look up from his book, ‘I’m back and brought someone.’

Henry and I step into the room and my dad nods, taking in Henry. ‘Your fiancé,’ dad says, closing his book. Yesterday I told him a lot about Henry already, especially because my dad read my interview and actually figured out how to check my Instagram. It was his own way to keep track of me and for some odd reason, I’m glad he did. He holds out his hand and Henry is quick to take it. ‘I’m Sehun, nice to meet you.’

‘My name is Henry, sir. It’s great to meet you too.’ He pulls two chairs next to dad’s bed and we both take a seat.

I take his hand into mine and say: ‘Dad, how are you feeling?’

‘Better, better.’ Dad stares at Henry and says: ‘It doesn’t take a genius to see how happy you are with each other.’

I smile, my other hand blindly searching Henry’s.

‘I also don’t need to tell you, but you need to take good care of her.’

Henry nods. ‘Don’t you worry, sir, I take good care of her.’

My dad looks up at the ceiling, tears in his eyes.

‘Dad, please,’ I say, ‘it’s all okay. We spoke about this yesterday: I don’t blame you. Not at all, not in the slightest.’

He has never been the talkative type, I know that. It pains me to see how crushed he is, how much he is beating himself up. I understand that he feels like that, however I am not mad. After yesterday’s talk I understood and realized I never wanted to be mad at him at all.

‘I don’t know if you can make it and if you even want to, but you—and you alone—can come to the wedding if you want. It’s a little short notice, I know, but Henry and I would love it if you were there.’

Dad simply nods. ‘I would love that too,’ he says in a hoarse tone. ‘Just… You have to help me with something first.’

‘And what is that?’

‘Help me arrange a divorce.’

Don’t overreact, Becky. The rush of utter euphoria fills my body. He wants to divorce my mom? After all those years? Is there an opportunity I could still have that relationship with my dad I have always secretly wanted and wished for.

I look over my shoulder to Henry, who seems to read my eyes. ‘I can arrange something with my lawyer,’ Henry says, squeezing my fingers. ‘You know what, I’ll call him right now. Maybe we can arrange something very soon.’

Henry leaves the room, holding his phone in his hand and my dad nods. ‘You have a nice fiancé,’ he says. ‘Takes good care of you.’

I smile. ‘Yeah, he does. He is the love of my life.’

Dad tilts his head. ‘You sure you want me there?’

‘Yes, I’d love to. We have an entire month to get to know each other and that of course won’t change after the wedding. We could look for an apartment for you, make sure you can start a new life.’

‘It’s a father’s job to protect and take care of his kids, not the other way around.’ He sighs deeply and says: ‘I have never taken care of you. Protected you from those vile words spilled from your mom and siblings.’

‘But you will,’ I say. ‘Please, it’s all good. Know and accept that, okay? I want to work on our relationship and that can start with an apartment when you are released from this awful place.’

For the first time he widely smiles. ‘I’m a lucky man for having a daughter like you.’

Henry enters the room again and says: ‘Well, I spoke to my lawyer and he is ready to meet you in a few days. There is a possibility he can expedite the process.’

Dad nods again. ‘Thank you, Henry. Now please sit, so I can get to know you.’

✤ ✤ ✤

When Henry and I are back in the car after hours of getting to know my father, tears finally drip over my tears. ‘Baby girl,’ he says, ‘it’s okay. You did amazing.’

‘I just don’t know why I’m crying, especially because I’m happy. I’m happy with all of this, however it’s just that… I wish there was more I could do.’

‘You are doing all you can,’ he says. ‘And your dad knows that.’

I hide my face in my hands and I feel Henry’s hand in the back of my neck. He presses a kiss on the top of my head.

‘I love you, baby girl and we’ll get through this.’

[damselofblueroses]

The Name of The Rose

Summary: Your study-buddy Doh Kyungsoo comes with you for a long-awaited trip to Tokyo, Japan. There is a tension between you, however both of you decided to build a friendship instead of a relationship.

Chapter Summary: Kyungsoo takes you to a little noodle shop. Both of you were becoming aware of your own feelings, and during the dinner you were having some interesting conversations.

Content: Unestablished relationship, AU, Hurt/Comfort, Anger, Slight Violence, Emotional Complications and Healing.

Warnings: Well, the story contains NSFW/Smut, please minors do not continue.

Note: This story was inspired by D.O.’s album, Empathy, the album of 2021 in my opinion. It is an ongoing mini project, I planned to write it as a one-shot when I started, however I realized there are a lot to say about Empathy Era and I cannot stop shut my mouth, or prevent myself from writing… So, here we go.

Chapter Word Count: 6.7k

Chapter 2: The Hunter and the Goddess

You did not know how far Kyungsoo was planning to hold your hand like a treasure. You did not know if he was just enjoying the time then kick you out or he was going to change something between you, as holding hands or asking weird questions did not have a place in your relationship till now. What if he was planning something you never dare to think of? Maybe he’d encourage you to try new things since you were the one who telling that you were bored to death. What kind of new things was the first questions popped up in your mind, you knew Kyungsoo too well, that innocent school kid look was half true, he could put everyone in shame if he wanted to perform his charm and knowledge.

And you, unfortunately, knew that he was quite popular not only for his good-looking or his brain, but also some talents.

But you realized then that if he wanted to give you a demonstration, you would happily accept and let him to use those talents you really tried your best in order to keep yourself from questioning. If the man was Kyungsoo, you could be pathetically submissive and always eager to please him that you would do anything he wanted just to hear him telling you how good you were for him.

You exactly understood the assignment more than you asked for, the whole situation you were willingly putting yourself without an indicator was nothing but stupid, reckless, and risky to your mental and emotional health. There was a real threat ahead of you, if you were going to be over the moon and let yourself to dream the things you certainly could not reach, you would not overcome, and you were going to destroy your friendship with Kyungsoo.

Maybe that’s why you started to shake like stuck inside a blizzard. Kyungsoo sensed it, too. Maybe he thought it was very strange singe you were in the mid of fucking August and the weather was like a preparation room before entering to Hell, however he chose to keep his observation to himself, and he let your hand go.

You could scream.

God, you could scream so bad because of the loss of that bloody precious sensation.

Before you would say something, hell like you could do, he run his hand through your arm and drag you closer to his chest.

“It is about air conditioner.” he said, but in the blink of an eye all you could feel was the warmness, and how good his smell was. “And your little blue dress is literally little.”

His palm contacted your bare skin, the tip of his fingers were close to your neck, his touch was heavy, hot and it had you breathing a little bit faster than usual.

“Of course, my dress is little,” you attempted to save yourself from the misery. “I know it sounds impossible, but I am shorter even than you, Kyungsoo.”

“So funny you are.” the sudden look he gave you made your stomach flipped. “Sometimes I feel like I have to teach you not crossing my limits, I am a man after all.”

“What are you going to do?” you playfully whispered. “Bend me over your knees?”

“You have a point over there.” he was serious. “I would like to do.”

You hoped he did not mean it.

“I just say the truth.” you could not help but push him further. “Since when telling the truth is a sin? Cancel me if you want but sweet Jesus, Soo, you know you are smol.”

“Depends on which point you want to compare me with the other guys.” he claimed. “You never had a proper taste of me, darling girl, I am just a friend to you.”

Well, his comment hurt you, but you bit your tongue and quickly sealed a lid on the boiling heat inside of you. Your fingers rub at your forehead.

Proper taste of Kyungsoo, you thought, there was no beat of hesitation in your mind, you would willingly die for having a proper taste of him.

“Headache?” he asked and reached into his bag most probably he brought painkiller for you. Kyungsoo knew you to the bits, more than anyone else, he could read you like you were an open book to him. But this time, you wanted to keep it to yourself.

“No.” you nod. “How many destinations we have to arrive?”

“2 or 3. I am not sure,” he looked at around. “Most probably two. Are you hungry that much?”

“Yes, I am starving.” it was not a lie, you were really starving but not for food. Coming to Japan with Kyungsoo was a bad idea, you had never been unstable like this before. The invisible barrier between you and him made you mad. You knew that you were not one to unload the feelings onto someone, instead, you rarely bring them up, only when it was extremely unbearable for your heart. When you feel like explode. When you feel like suffocating. When the suffer become a load to carry.

To your dismay, you felt all of them right now.

“On your foot, soldier.” he carefully lowered his arm off your shoulder. “We came.”

“Okey.” you pull yourself to your feet and hurry to leave the bus. Kyungsoo pressed into the button, you step into the fresh air. “Now, to where?”

“This way.” he arched his brow and you two walked into the noodle restaurant in a quite silence. Your head was throbbing, heavier than usual with all those thoughts, hopes, secrets that you were keeping inside of you for a long time. You hardly realize that you reached to the place, but when Kyungsoo opened the door for you, you managed to save yourself from trouble.

The place smelled too good to be true. The smell of fresh noodles, side dishes made you dizzy, the cuteness of place as well itself.

Smol like Kyungsoo, you thought but you did not say this, you just looked for a table to sit. You turned to him, but he already found a place for you and held your fucking hand again. He did not think about his move, it was so obvious, he just did. Your heart was pondering while he headed to the corner of shop, more intimate with dim lights.

“We cannot be comfortable with those lights.” he pointed the roof out. “There are so bright for us. Is this table okey?”

“Yip yip.” you were disctracted by the pleasure of yummy smells. “I can feel the taste on my tongue even from these smells! Let’s sit!”

Kyungsoo chuckled to your enthusiasm, he knew that he’s being tormented by his inappropriate thoughts, but he could not stop thinking about you. Would you smile like this if he tells you how much he adores you for fucking years? Would you smile so gently like you smile when you see a blue rose or your smile was going to be fade like when you learned your grandfather passed away?

Kyungsoo shivered with the memory. It was the last thing he would want to recall, he wished to see you never ever like that. You could not smile for months.

But he could not prevent remembering your skin. So soft and so warm to the touch and your fucking lips, so plump, pink, pouty and always calling him to kiss you.

You looked so pretty today, it was not you were not pretty in general but today Kyungsoo felt like you were his, all his. There was no Baekhyun, no Chanyeol, no Jongdae which means peace to him because when you three came together, the only word could describe was cacophony, no one. He loved them more than any friends, but he secretly preferred having time just for you two. Just you and Kyungsoo. He could watch your excitement for a while, you were like a bird whose trying to decide where to set. He was waiting for the show you were going to put, when the waitress brought the menu, you brightly smiled to her and duck your head into it while unintentionally dancing.

Kyungsoo loved you more than he could tell for this. Being yourself in every situation.

You were bathed in the dim yellow light, and Kyungsoo clearly saw your upper half above the table. Navy blue cotton clung to your chest, tighter than Kyungsoo wished, that square cut-out revealed your pale skin and the blue necklace you wore was elegantly stayed above your collarbone. Kyungsoo could not define but your collarbone definitely doing something to him. He remembered that necklace with a blue, tiny rose, he gave it to you in your 23rd birthday.

He wished he could tell you that you were prettier even than blue roses.

Years passed out so quick, but Kyungsoo could not tell you how much he desired you during all those years.

He watched you, forgetting to blink. His gaze shifting over you, washing you with his admiration from head to toe. You were clueless, he knew that you were not aware of his feelings for you, but he was grateful for being able to absorb the extent of your beauty. Maybe you were not the prettiest girl of the town, for his eyes, you were the chef kiss for sure. He remembered he wanted to punch Chanyeol in the face for his comments when you got your pixie haircut, you were not looking like manly as he nonchalantly said, Kyungsoo never think he could find short hair as attractive but hell, he loved your new style. And your eyes, your goddam eyes, so big, outlined in carbon black liner that made your eyelids covered with a shimmery shadow.

You looked fucking gorgeous, and Kyungsoo was extremely vulnerable to your beauty. You gave him really hard times, literally and figuratively. And to his dismay, he fucking liked his bonds to you like he was an addicted.

“Have you decided on the orders?” Kyungsoo heard the waitress again and turned to her as he woke up from a dream. He realized he forgot to look at menu, before he could open it, you lifted your head and looked at him.

Damn you.

Damn your eyes.

Damn your lips.

“Did you?” you murmured. “I did.”

Kyungsoo could not get your lips out of his head, if he could, he would also decide what he was going to have. Godfuckingdamnit, he just wanted to drag you into his lap and kiss you fervently. Maybe you could understand how he has been feeling since fucking years if he would kiss you. He just wanted to ravage you like a starved man, and he fucking was.

“I want Inaniwa Udon.” you said as you were waiting for his reply. “And sake, if it is possible.”

Why not, he thought. As long as you were with him, he could allow you to drink as much as you wanted. Thinking you drinking without Kyungsoo gave him really heart attack, he knew you were not famous of having high alcohol tolerance.

“I will have Ramen Meat Tsukasa.” he smiled to the waitress. “Do you serve sake?”

“Yes, we do.” the waitress replied. She was very kind, and she was also smiling to your little dance figures. “Do you want two bottles, or one is enough?”

“I think one is enough for now.” Kyungsoo said this as a question to you, you hummed. “Maybe we will have another later.”

“Okey, I will bring your orders as soon as they are ready. Have a nice time.” the waitress made a little bow to both of you and rushed back to the kitchen.

“So, do you like the restaurant?” Kyungsoo asked to you. At his words, your smile widened, and the stars became visible in your eyes. Kyungsoo felt he started to melt inside.

“I love these tiny places.” you whispered sheepishly. “You know how much I love them, Kyungsoo.”

Yeah, Kyungsoo knew your preferences very well. What he did not know was the power your whisper has on him. It gave him electroshocks, he felt like a wriggling worm. He immediately fantasized on more intimate scenarios which you could whisper his name and God, he hated himself for that, but he could not stop. To be honest, even if it meant self-hatred, he did not want stop thinking about you. He loved to think about you far too much although he was perfectly aware of his mind wandering around extremely dangerous territory.

“For a second,” you stood up. “I have to use bathroom, excuse me.”

“Yeah.” that was his best shot since you started to walk because he did not see your back in this dress. His eyes followed you until you disappeared, drunk the sway of your hips. Kyungsoo’s opinion of your dress quickly changed, and he cursed Sehun under his breath, the cotton fabric wrapped your curves and gradually hugged your body till a hand above the knee, it multiplied your summer rose vibe.

He decided to steal that dress and set it on fire, fuck that dress, God, he hated it.

Kyungsoo wondered what was going to happen to him when you decided to go out with a guy. Not today, his mind reminded him but one day you were going to hang out with someone. Someone, but not him.

He squeezed his fingers just as he would strangle an invisible neck of unnamed enemy.

Actually, you went out for some dates in the past, but none of them worked for you. Kyungsoo vividly remembered how horrible those nights were for him till he could hear the story from you. To be honest, you were secretive about those dates, you did not give him details but he learned it did not work for you, it was enough.

Till now.

He did not want to admit it, but he was curious as fuck, why those dates did not work. What happened, why you were so adamant of not going out while you were extremely clever and pretty? Unfortunately, Kyungsoo was aware of not only your impacts on him but also on community. You were quite popular among the guys.

He was dying to learn the reason of your consecutive rejections, maybe it was about your taste of men. Maybe you were liking older guys, maybe you were liking younger ones, maybe you were preferring foreigners. Scenarios, choices, and possibilities were a lot, and Kyungsoo hated the truth to the bits, even though you had no idea how charming you were both physical and emotional, you could make a man falling love with you in the blink of an eye.

He hated it too much. He hated because he strongly believed that if you could think of him as a potential lover even for once, you would do something to make him fall for you.

You never try. You were always far from him, and he was already in enough pain because of the distance between you, even you were just beside of him.

“I am back!” your voice dragged him out of his dark thoughts. For a second, he thought he could beg you to tell him how you saw him as a man.

If you need a lover, let me know.

Kyungsoo wanted to tell this to you more than anything else, but he was a coward inside. He was afraid of losing you forever, he did not want to destroy the anything, if he could have you as a friend, as a study-buddy, he was okey. Not fine, but okey. At least he could be with you as his heart wanted.

“Food is not ready yet.” he choked out loudly enough to make your eyebrows knitted.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah yeah, I am fine.” he nonchalantly answered. What could he say? Would he say he was thinking when you were going to have a boyfriend, how much he was going to be sad? Or could he tell you how much he wanted tear your dress off your body and worship you? “I am hungry.”

“I have a theory about the hunger of men.” you sat on your chair comfortably and pointed a finger to him. He wanted to catch that finger and kiss it. “For example, if you are hungry, you can be really scary. When Baekhyun or Chanyeol is hungry, they are grumpy. Is this something special to you, or is this a feature of men? We can be polite while we are waiting for food.”

“Do not go there.” Kyungsoo said lowly. “How much you know about men? Only me, our squad members, and your family. We can be also polite, and I am not fucking scary.”

“Sweetheart, I know men more than you believe.” you blinked mischievously, enough to startle him. “If a man is hungry, even the face expression transformed.”

“May I ask?” he started, but he could feel his hand beneath the table automatically turned into a fist. “How did you collect the information to support your weak theory?”

“By having dinners with them.” you grinned like a fucking Cheshire cat, and Kyungsoo hated to see also that. “You are not so different from each other, being so full of yourselves.”

You knew you were playing with fire.

You were trying to provoke him with your words. You were aware of Kyungsoo’s dislike of being compared with others.

Unconsciously you decided to make him mad at you in order to see if he had a feeling, even a little spot in his emotional radar, for you. If you could manage to annoy him that much, you knew he would talk. He would give hints at least, but he would do something.

You were more than okey even for a hint, you realized you were up to your hair, you were done with waiting for a sign. You realized your burned yourself out to the bitter end, you were done with waiting for him. You wanted nothing but him, you could say you did not and you would be lying your ass off if you did.

He stared at you as his expression was hard to decipher. He could be wanting to beat the shit out of you or thinking for an answer to shut your mouth for all eternity. Both of the options were possible.

“Your meals are ready.” the waitress came back with the gigantic bowls. “Enjoy, and bon appetite.”

“Thank you very much.” you bowed at her as she placed your meals onto table. As the smell attacked your nose, you rushed to pick your chopsticks. You had a sweet spot for Udon, but it did not mean you were not going to steal from Kyungsoo. You opened the water bottle, took a long sip, and turned to Kyungsoo to ask if he wanted water or not, and you fucking froze.

He was pouring sake for you just like the most important job he has been doing till now.

You were very fond of the level of attention; he was giving to everything he did. You could watch him forever, anything he did turned into art for you. God, if you could see your face right now, you would clearly understand how he affected you, your lips parted and your breathing was becoming heavier, holy shit, because he was pouring fucking sake!

“Can you stop staring at me like a freak?” he asked. You keel over in the chair, nearly shooting water out of your nose. Quickly, you swallowed and covered your mouth and averted your eyes while blushing like a schoolgirl but what made you blush was not being caught by him, you exactly saw that he was blushing while he scolded you. He was fucking blushed, you were %100 percentage of sure, his cheeks were turned into pinkish. “Here you go.”

Your hands were shaking a bit, but you managed to hold the cup.

“Thank you.” and you drunk it. You really needed something to cool you. “May I have the bottle?”

You knew Kyungsoo would make the process slower and to be honest, if he was going to take charge of sake, you would not nothing but staring at him like there was no tomorrow.

Tomorrow… You were feeling nervous about the future. You wanted to keep both of you at this moment. Just you and Kyungsoo. Together.

You shook your head just as you wanted to clean your mind from negative thoughts. The moment you had was the most important one and you did not want to destroy it by thinking about what was going to be happen. Kyungsoo was with you right now, even though you were not sure if you would last for the end of this trip.

He handed the bottle to you, you nested it close to yourself and poured another one. You drunk it too while Kyungsoo raised an eyebrow which you wholly ignored, then processed to eat your Udon. Flavour erupted on your tastebuds, and you started to eat like you did not have a meal in the last week.

“Holy shit.” you cursed when you gave a little break only to pour another one to yourself and Kyungsoo’s empty cup. “This is incredible.”

“Yeah, I can see that.” Kyungsoo unwillingly laughed at you. “Please remember to breath, I do not want to be ended in the emergency.”

“You do not have to accompany me if the noodle stuck on my throat.” you drunk your third, allowed the liquid to slide down your throat and a warmth burned in your chest as it stayed there. You poured the fourth one. “My Japanese is better than yours.”

“Due to the speed of your consumption of sake,” he started with a fair point, you had to admit. “I am not sure if you can perform your Japanese skills. Instead, it looks like you will be bubbling in the end of this night, of course if you do not manage to kill yourself. Damn, take it easy.”

“No worries, I am a tough cookie.” you arched your brow, and your eyes fixed your Udon. “I will not be drunk.”

“What makes me worried,” his eyes continued to remain fixed on you. “Your unexpected fondness of sake. Do we have to order the second o-

“Yes.” you interrupted him. “Order.”

You knew that on the contrary what you said to him, you were going to be drunk. Hell, you wanted to be. A smile tugged up on your lips as you took another mouthful bite of your food. You wanted to be a drunk tonight and relax. Kyungsoo did not refuse your wish, he ordered another bottle while you were sending the fifth cup to your stomach.

“Now, tell me.” he jabbed. “How many dates you had till now?”

“Why are you asking this out of everything?” you asked with a sincere curiosity.

“I want to elaborate your theory, but before doing that, I have to collect information on the experimental group.”

“Ah.” you swallowed thickly. Hell, what it would be, damn Kyungsoo and his logic. “Well, I had three dates which you know. I had two more, which you did not know so the count is five.”

“Five.” he blinked. “Five men are not enough to hold a theory such includes everyone on this planet, and you were telling me we all same with a great confidence.”

“They were pretty same.” you turned your head away and poured another sake. You could feel that Kyungsoo was getting more tense after every cup you drunk, but you had zero fucks to give. “I was ended up with disappointment.”

“Why?” he caught you off guard. “You never tell me the whole story. What was wrong?”

They were not you, you thought in the safe silence in your mind but there was no enough amount of sake would make you tell this to him in the world. Maybe you start to feel a little bit dizzy but even if you would be on your knees, you would not confess the real reason.

“I do not know.” Yeah, there was not enough amount of sake would make you to confess, but the amount of sake which settled in the pit of your stomach made you more talkative about your affairs. Maybe it was about the need of showing Kyungsoo that you were a fucking girl, you could attract people also. “They were not made for me, I guess.”

“This is the result.” Kyungsoo furrowed his brows. His icy resolve frozen across his features. “I want to hear the story behind this result.”

Kyungsoo could not believe how he would let you to drink your seventh cup of sake and open the second one but in the deep of his heart, he knew the real reason. He wanted you to talk. God, he needed you to talk his ear off. He could die to learn what type of guy would attract you, and he could try to be that man.

“I am not sure how to explain that but,” you rapidly shook your head again. “It is all fucking disappointments for me. I do not know what they think about me, but when I go out with someone, I always ended up in home, calling Baekhyun or Chanyeol and we talked on why I felt like shit.”

Kyungsoo knew that getting you to talk always meant for extra efforts, he never pushed you. He never dragged you into the conversations you clearly did not have an intention to have.

Till now.

Providing you with company and asking nothing in return was not his best choice today. He was okey with asking nothing in return, he never expect anything in return for his company, but today he wanted to learn about your affairs.

“Could you decide?” he whispered. “I mean, why you felt like shit in your words?”

“Do you prefer more refined vocabulary?” you chuckled, and Kyungsoo understood that you had to be dizzy right now. You had two types of chuckles, and this one definitely a result of alcohol.

He did not prevent you from pouring the eighth one.

“No, speak as you want.” he did not let you go out of his palms. You were in his palms right now, he hooked you in his net, and this was going to be first and last he dragged you to a place you obviously did not want to engage.

However, he needed to learn. Just for once, he crossed all boundaries between you. All rules.

“Putting aside your quite vocabulary,” he pushed you to continue. “What was wrong?”

“Everything.” your eyes flitted up his face. Your gaze fuelled the excitement that already started to make its way in Kyungsoo’s lower stomach, an excitement that has been brewing since years as you have been lingering in front of him for an extremely long time.

“I cannot say that they were bad people, on the contrary, they were lovely.” This was not what Kyungsoo wished to hear, your words made his heart flipped, but not in a pleasurable way. “They were kind, nice, clever and to be honest good-looking. However, I did not feel anything towards them. I tried, Kyungsoo, I tried to do my best, but I am tired of ending up with same result. I did not find them attractive.”

You suddenly remembered the kiss of one of your dates gave you. You were not sure if you could call it as a kiss, Chanyeol and Baekhyun, those dorks, laughed at you their asses off when you told them that guy pressed his lips to yours and you immediately pushed him so strong, enough to made him lost his balance and fell on his butt.

“Were they,” Kyungsoo cleaned his throat.” Good companies? I am trying to understand why it cannot work for you.”

“No, they were.” you ponder, then a laugh fallen from your lips. “They really were, especially the last one. He was a good company even if he was a bit handsy.”

Kyungsoo’s chopsticks stuttered. You said it nonchalantly, you were dizzy as fuck, he could see that, but you said it to him as if it did not mean anything that the unnamed bastard invited his hands over your body, instead he should be on his fucking knees for you. His teeth shattered; he could feel his jaw was clenched with the thoughts he had to refuse for the sake of God.

“Being a little bit handsy does not sound a good company to me.” he said between his teeth. “Is that why you ended up feeling like shit? Did he force himself on you?”

If he did, God mercy on him because Kyungsoo was not going to. You were already drinking your tenth cup; he was sure he could learn that bastard’s name. He knew that right now, he was crossing your boundaries and taking advantage of your current hiatus, he was not better than that bastard, but he was not going to stop.

“No, he touched my inner thigh during the dinner.” you whispered. “Then he kissed me after the ride to my home he gave.”

“And?” Kyungsoo had to take a deep breathe and he poured sake for himself, even though he wanted to focus on you. “Did he ask at first place?”

“He did not.” Kyungsoo felt his heart was tightening in his chest because of anger. He wanted to find that fucking bastard and fuck the shit out of him. He already started seeing you in front of the door of your home, and that moron dragged you into his arms and kissed you without asking. Did they really think, this would be romantic or manly? This was sexual attack. Kyungsoo could not endure to imagine you while that moron run his fucking pawns over your face. Pulling you into a kiss if he could call that a kiss. His blood was boiling as he could not stand someone disappointed you, destroying your ideas and hardly built self-confidence. He hated to see that, he has been watching you since the first day you met, and he was fucking aware of your self-perceptions. He bit back a wave of curses, and he resisted the dire need to ask you this guy’s name and address in order to chop his head.

“He had to ask for your content.” he literally growled, enough to make the customers at near tables turned to look at you. You blinked.

“I pushed him.” you whispered. “And he fell on his butt.”

For a second, Kyungsoo did not understand what you said, but when he understood he could not help but laughed.

“I could kill someone to see that moment.” he mumbled. “I wish I could see.”

“It was not a good memory.” you admitted. “I really hated every moment of that memory. He was a good guy, but at the end, when he kissed me, I wanted to puke my stomach out.”

Kyungsoo lost the little trail of joy.

“He was not a good guy.” He literally growled.

Suddenly, the tension was transforming into something different. Your face was becoming too warm, and your blood pressure was rocketing into sky.

It was neither Udon not sake.

You raised your eyebrows as you looked at Kyungsoo as you wanted to ask what he meant, but you kept your question to yourself.

“Why did you not tell me?” he asked. “I knew you are not talkative about these, but you could talk with me at least when you had experienced a shitty guy like that filthy bastard.”

“Well, excuse me for being so clueless,” the filter between your tongue and brain stopped working at that moment, and you lost it. “But that was my first and last kiss, and I was shocked!”

Kyungsoo’s chin was dropped. He stared at you as becoming senseless to any other sound. He took a set of full seconds to actually register your words, then his eyes widen.

You were not aware of the weight of your confession. Your mind was foggy and you already lost yourself in Kyungsoo.

“What?”

This was the best shot of him.

“It was my first kiss.” the heat of your face became unbearable. “And it was unexpected, I did not give him my consent, I was definitely in shock.”

Kyungsoo listened to your words.

“Are you,” he heard his voice. “Are you a virgin?”

“Do not say it like a blasphemy.” you could not help but protested. He looked at you as he was having a heart attack.

He actually was.

He guessed that you were not experienced but a virgin.

Godfuckingdamnit, he did not expect to hear that.

“And that bastard destroyed your first kiss.” he could not prevent himself from punching his thigh. Harshly. He was really out of his mind due to anger, he knew that he could not be with you, but destroying an experience for you was equal crossing his limits. He noted finding that guy when you come back to your homes mentally. He did not know when, how or which way but he was going to find that scumbag and make him pay for his wrong deed.

You looked so vulnerable. How could that moron dare to destroy an important moment of your life?

“Yeah, he did.” you partially smiled, Kyungsoo could not believe you were smiling. Did you lose your shit? He was supposed to ask you why you were smiling like a freak; you lifted your eyes to his. “But talking with you made me happy.”

Kyungsoo hated himself too much.

He made you talked about a horrendous memory in order to learn about your preferences. He even let you drink one and half bottle of sake. He used the old excuse in the book however after learning this incident, he realized once again, you were his priority to take care of, to look after, you had to be happy, healthy, and successful. You had to live your heart as you wished, and Kyungsoo was sure as fuck he was going to do everything in his power for you to blossom.

You were his rose after all.

Every nerve in his body may steered him to you, attracted to you like a magnet, he could refrain his feelings. Even if you were not going to come to him, he was not going to push you never again. Never.

“Next time, tell me before a date.” he snorted. “It seems to me you are bad on choosing a man, that piece of shit did it all wrong.”

Your heart was pounded in your chest.

Did Kyungsoo just point the issue of asking for content or was there anything more he indicated?

If he said something was wrong, it meant he knew the true way of doing it, fixing and giving you a proper memory. He never talk if he did not know the right way.

“How?” you asked to him with your big-doe eyes. Kyungsoo startled for a second, then understood what you asked.

“What do you mean with how?” Kyungsoo stared at you. “He had to ask for consent first, obviously. If it is yes, a man can continue.”

“What if I would say yes?” you could not help. You could not stop. There was a frustrating fire in the pit of your stomach, made you uninterested to anything but Kyungsoo. Maybe you did not know many things but you were aware of only Kyungsoo could do something about it. You did care it anymore, you just wanted Kyungsoo to show you the right way.

“There is a progress.” Kyungsoo cursed himself for telling you this. “It depends on how much you wish to move, but basically there are three bases and before every step you are going to take, you have to ask your partner if she or he is still okey with the progress.”

“I see.” you nod.

Both of you started to think about each other in that progress. What would it be, how you react to each other after waiting since the first day you met. Both of you rejected to think about it, and both of you know that you were going to imagine it when you were going to be alone in the safety of your rooms.

“That’s why that scumbag did it all wrong. If you want someone to touch you, remember asking for consent is the most important rule.” Kyungsoo disgusted by the idea of someone touching you. Even thinking about him giving him headache, he was annoyed by the fact that you were going to choose someone, and you were learning the rules from Kyungsoo.

To choose someone.

He was mad. He was angry. God, he wanted to set something on fire.

“Is there any different rule?” you could not take your eyes off Kyungsoo.

“Many.” he was back to giving short answers.

“I want you to teach me.” you said without thinking.

“Ha?”

Kyungsoo was not sure if he could hear you correctly or not.

“You told me that guy did it all wrong.” You were not going back from here this time. You were fucking not. “I want you to teach me the right way.”

Kyungsoo was sure there was no capacity left his lungs to breathe. He kept looking at you, you waited his response patiently.

Was it you or sake?

You did not know. You did not care.

You just wanted to feel Kyungsoo. Helping you on the issue was only something he could do, by your -twisted by alcohol- logic, you persuaded yourself, if he put you in this situation, he had to help you getting out of it.

“How much you drink?” you heard Kyungsoo, but you were already decided what you were going to do. He was going to say yes. He had to say yes.

“I am not drunk, Soo.” you said. “I am sober as fuck. Teach me.”

Kyungsoo stared at you for a while, then he stood up and reached to your hand.

“Come.” he said. “We are going back to hotel.”

Kyungsoo felt like a hunter, he finally grabbed your hand, while he was paying for food, he did not let you go away from him. Instead, he pressed your body to his, you closed your eyes when your chest perfectly pressed on his toned forearm. You heavily breathed, Kyungsoo led you out of the restaurant. You immediately headed to the way back to the bus station, but he stopped you.

“We are going to take a cab.” Kyungsoo. “Faster.”

You could not help but laugh at his eagerness to be back. Your heart started to sing inside of your chest, for a magnificent moment you could almost make yourself believe that Kyungsoo wanted you as much as you wanted him. You wanted to devour him you did not know what made you bold at this level but you just wanted to drown in him. You knew that he was going to lecture you about what you had to do when you have a date, when you would be back at hotel, but you really hoped for at least he was going to give you a demonstration on kissing someone.

If he would not, you did not know you could overcome with that moment.

Kyungsoo was having an existential crisis. He was not sure if he understood you correctly, but he had to get you back to the hotel, he was sure of it since he really did not know until when he could control himself just like he did not want to rip that fucking dress off you and have you over and over.

At that moment, he saw a cab was coming to your direction and he turned to you.

He saw your eyes, shining by pure desire.

He lost his shit for the first time in seven years of your friendship.

He pulled you between his arms, his face was fucking close to you.

“It is okey, Kyungsoo.” you literally cooed.

He did not waste a minute and caressed your face.

[gwynpool]

it’s 2AM and i just finished Rule of Wolves (spoilers definitely up ahead)

first, to inform everyone, i read the spoilers when it got leaked in twitter cuz i can’t help myself. (it’s a sickness, i know) i think this is important since it definitely influenced my perspective upon reading the book. also, this is my first time being early in a party so yay me! going in ROW was easy for me because i started King of Scars the day before book 2’s actual release date so everything’s fresh.

secondly, this is really long so i’m sorry. i just have a lot of feelings and need to write it all down. on with the rant.

King of Scars was wonderful to me since it gave me my favorite Shadow and Bone character and the girl who i used to hate for being a mean girl but who I now admire with every ounce of my being. It also introduced a new ship that I am now obsessed with and is ruling besides my love for Jude&Cardan. Not to mention, it gave us Nina, whom though i’m not entirely a fan of due to all my love focusing on Kaz and Inej, allowed the connection between Shadow&Bone with SixofCrows.

Moving on, ROW was a ride and whirlwind of emotions. unfortunately, it wasn’t always the best kind.

I love the fantasy elements of it (tho it was a huge leap especially with the saints power thingy) and the politics because i am a sucker for scheming and stealing thrones.

the zoyalai teasing and angst was painful but in the best way since slowburn is what keeps me going.

nina finding comfort (and attraction, apparently) from hanne made my heart flutter because i haven’t gotten over matthias but this allowed a sort of closure and next chapter for our waffle-loving queen.

the promised wedding by leigh wasn’t what i expected but i’m not complaining since david&genya deserved nothing but happiness.

almost everything seems going well (aside from the fact that aleksander was ressurected apparently)and then everything crashes and burns and i just have to wonder why?

so the promised funeral alongside the wedding one, immediately comes after two? three? chapters as they were attacked during the afterparty of the wedding. and guess what? leigh killed the fcking groom.

the thing is i already knew he was going to die (with the spoilers and all) but i did not expect it to come immediately after the freaking wedding. not even halfway through the book!

being spoiled, i think, took most of the pain from the event but it doesn’t lessen the fact that it was completely unnecessary??? like though the characters grieved, nothing much was affected from his death? also, don’t talk to me about the character development for the survivors from this tragic event because there. was. absolutely. NONE.

and then we have the fricking darling ressurected. i love him in the first book of the grishaverse though i knew he was still a villain, don’t get me wrong. and my heart ached but was also relieved with his death in the third. he also inspired one of my all-time favorite fantasy villain(antihero?) in the form of Adelina Amouteru in the Young Elites series.

Ceased to be a Darklina fan and am now shipping Aleksander with Adelina because their power tho? like clings to like and they are both imbued with unfathomable darkness. somebody write fics please.

but bringing him back was what for exactly? leigh bardugo preached on how toxic the darkling character was and how we really shouldn’t like him in terms of agreeing with his ideals and yada yada. and yet she brings him back because apparently, he’s the only one paying her bills.

his conversation with alina tho had me expecting some darklina crumbs with fan service on the side since the stans were all raving about it on twitter *vomiting noises from toxicity* but i was surprised since it just further reminded us of how he truly is a villain in his very core and would do anything to get what he wants. so all in all it wasn’t entirely awful and it actually made me like Mal a bit. (never was a fan of him but that’s my issue, not the character’s)

setting aside the darkling issue a bit, the POV from Mayu was skippable. i mean obviously it still needs to be read for the Shu politics and the khergud existence but it just made me want to go to the next pov. Same goes for the “the monk’s” POV since you all know how i feel about him and the cult with it’s assembly and shit ended up also being unnecessary towards the end. honestly, i could do without the journey of the starless saint and his cult.

i truly enjoyed the fjerdan plot to my surprise and i like how nina kind of went through the last of us 2 circle of hate journey. it was definitely difficult knowing her pain and all that she went through and still choosing to be the better person. and yet, i can’t help but be more proud of her development. also, the supposed death of hanne got me going for a second and was actually ready to storm leigh’s home to fix her mistake. thank god it was plot twist. that’s all i have to say on the nina POV because i don’t wanna ruin my good feeling on this.

the crows cameo gave us a mini heist and it just made me miss reading their adventures. also the suli scene tugged at my heart.

imma skip zoya’s transformation but it utterly made me feel amazing and i have never been more glad that she’s kind of overpowered. she deserves it so fck all them haters. you can choke.

nikolai’s revelation and decision for the ravkan throne was not all that surprising, even without my knowledge of the spoilers. i honestly had a feeling that he was always his best self when he was strumhond and he only chose to fulfill the duties of the king because at that time, there was no other choice. so him giving up the throne to his beloved soldier, summoner and saint was a quite satisfying choice of route. there has been some others who would contest nikolai’s decision to step down as something unnecessary in the grand scheme of things but i would stand by my belief that nikolai made the best choice for ravka and for himself. not to say that i didn’t want to see both the queen and king side by side ruling but what are fanfictions for?

zoyalai is canon and endgame. finally. i can die now.

now the last two chapters was a toss up. for the first one was the darkling’s sacrifice. okay, so i was also spoiled by this from twitter but when i was reading the book, i keep expecting it to be brought up and it wasn’t. so i honestly thought that maybe that spoiler was a prank. lo and behold it was not and it wasn’t until the very last end. so the buildup was goddamn awful. the whole concept of the thorn wood and sort of atlas moment was just no. like you’re just springing this up now? when we’re supposed to be tying up loose ends but making sure it had history and buildup to well, back it up.

also leigh outright writing genya saying it was not a redemption for the darkling and him being unapologetic about his crimes (basically being a truly evil asshole) doesn’t remove the fact that it still comes off as a redemption arc especially with what is now the synopsis of SOC 3 but ill get to that. he still was the one who did a heroic deed and that fucks me up because it was just devastating to me after making peace with his end in ruin and rising. not because i was hurt that he died yet again boohoo but because it kind of invalidates everything that alina, genya, zoya and countless other victims went through.

on a side note, the darling stans on twitter who keeps defending his actions, i would really advise you to reflect on your decisions cuz it is honestly unhealthy. also, you lot talking smack about nikolai and zoya refusing to sacrifice their lives? stop twisting the story to suit your toxic admiration, nikolai was even first to offer up his life and would do so if it was actually possible. so just go hide in your darkling cocoon and stop hating on other characters to justify your favored aleksander.

the very last chapter aka coronation was good because it gave us inej ghafa cameo as captain of her ship and bonding with our resident privateer and also genya, alina and zoya bonding. but it was bad because apparently the darkling chronicles is still not over and now we’re supposed to grant him death like that’s going to make everything okay? i know forgiveness and breaking the circle of hate and revenge is a huge theme in this duology but honestly, this is just too extreme. with nina it was understandable and the people she hated were born of twisted mindset and circumstances but the darkling? hahahah no. he is a literal immortal who was delusional so now that he’s paying for his crimes, you want to allow him death because you have nightmares? zoya, goddamit no! same to you genya and alina. and so this will be the plot for the third six of crows? why can’t we just stop making this about him. now he gunna steal kaz’s thunder? over my dead body.

in the end, i gave this book 4 stars in goodreads because if i ignore the darkling plot, it was a really good use of politics and fantasy merging in a storyline. i can’t fault leigh for choosing to do this since it’s still her book so i definitely don’t have a right to dictate what i expected from this. also, i have a half a mind to believe that she fell in love with ben barnes and had him in mind writing this so i really cannot blame her because i have been under that man’s charms since prince caspian came out. the spoilers i read made me more open in reading this (backwards thinking but eh that’s how i roll) so i’m not at all crushed by what transpired. it was just weird and was lackluster in its attempt to give ravka some sort of peace. frankly, i just want to read the third six of crows book to maybe find some sort of calm in all this craziness and also delve in some zoyalai fanfiction because it was a long time coming.

shameless promotion but if you guys want to check out my nikolai duology spotify playlist, here’s the link:

[wickedw3asleys]

MINEFIELDS - Pt. 2

George x reader

-> Part 1

WARNINGS: cussing, smoking, some angst, some fluff, mentions of sadness and anxiety..., couple fight...

With a cigarette on your lips, you continued admiring the beautiful lake behind the Burrow; a place George, Fred and you always used to hang out. Even since after leaving the house, you hadn't stopped crying, the emotional reunion with everybody, specially George, and the encounter with Angelina were too much for you to handle in such a short amount of time.

You couldn't say you were not surprised to see her at the Burrow, since Hermione hadn't mentioned her once in her letters, but you guessed that as you needed someone to be by your side like Dean, George needed someone too. And she had been crushing on her since his third year, so you were happy for him.

Except this was a total lie. You wanted to be happy for him, he deserved to be happy, but not with her. Ever since your years at Hogwarts she had been there to remind you how you were only the friend that nobody wanted, how you'd never be enough for anyone, specially the twins.

So the fact that she was in front of you, ready to hex you if she needed to, literally destroyed you mentally. You already knew you had fucked up things with George, and that was a conversation you needed to have with him, but you didn't need her to appear like that and talk for him, or anybody else in the house. Even though deep down, you knew she had all the rights to talk to you like that...

"Hey..."

You turn your head towards the soft voice, quickly wiping out your tears.

"Hermione! Hey..."

"Can I sit down?", she asks shyly.

"Of course you can..."

You pat next to you and she sat down. Both of you took a deep breath, looking in front of you.

"I miss our summer here...", you hear her whisper, "all gathered here, having picnics and throwing each other in the water..."

"Me too..."

Your mind wandered to all the memories you had made around the lake, all the laugh, water splashes, even minor injuries, you had made there, "It surely was great..."

"I'm sorry for Angelina... She's not... She's really protective of George, you know?", you chuckled at that, "Yeah, I can see that..."

"It's not personal-

"It has always been personal, Hermione...", you say, taking another cigarette, "But it's okay, I'm okay, really... I know I've made mistake, and I deserved it..."

"We all made mistakes...", she sighed, "After all that happened, the war... We all lost things, we all made mistakes... We all needed someone to help us heal..."

"Did you heal?", you ask.

"I think so... I still think about everything, and the ones we lost, like Remus and Tonks, Fred of course... Even Lavender sometimes... But the past is the past, unfortunately we cannot changed it... So the best was just... move on with my life and accept the fact that I'd have to live with that for the rest of my life... And Ron is great, he's amazing! He has it harder though... Because of Fred, but he's strong, he really helped everyone..."

You felt your heart crush in your chest at her words. She was right, the only thing left was move on and just live with it... Even if you didn't want to, it was the only thing to do.

"I don't know how to move on, 'Mione...", you whisper as you feel another tear roll down your cheek.

"What about Dean?"

"It's not the same... I like him, I really do...", you sigh, "But when I'm with him, something's missing... He tries! I know he does! And he's always supporting me and helping me but I feel that it's not what I need... And now it seems impossible to heal or move on... I-I just can't..."

Hermione puts her arm around your shoulder and puts your head on her shoulder, embracing you tightly.

"It's okay... I understand what you mean..."

"And I know I shouldn't have left, it's been killing me for 4 years, I should have stayed and help George, and Ron, and Ginny, and Molly and Arthur... And I left...", you didn't know why, but you needed to be blamed for what you did you needed to tell yourself that it was your fault. The way you left everyone.

"No... you did what you thought would be better for everyone, you didn't mean any harm..."

"But look at him... Look at George... Even though the rest is healing, he's not... and I could have helped him, we could've had healed together...", you cried in her arms.

"At least you're here now, Y/N... It's all that matters..."

"I miss him so much, 'Mione... Everyday I think about Fred and it hurts... So bad..."

She hold you tighter as she felt your body become weaker. She understood your pain, and she knew you needed to let it out, so she just hold you, petting your hair, not saying a word, letting you talk when you needed it and letting you cry.

After what seemed to be hours, you finally had stopped crying, still in Hermione's arms, now just talking about your years at Hogwarts... How you missed McGonagall's scolding whenever you ran through the halls, or visiting Hagrid for a cup of tea...

"Yeah... These were good years...", Hermione sighed.

"I wish we could turn back time and live all of it all over again..."

She chuckled and smiled, still looking at the lake.

"Come on, the others are probably wondering where we are...", she says, helping you get up, "And i'm keeping these!", she takes the cigarettes in your coat and shove them in hers, "Smoking is bad"

You rolled your eyes and headed up with her to the Burrow. She hadn't changed a bit, she was still the Hermione you once knew.

"Hey... We're here...", she said quietly while opening the door.

"Oh, hi, dear!", Molly exclaims warmly as she cleaned her hands on her dress.

It looked like no one was around, except for Molly, who was doing the dishes.

"Do you need help, Molly?", you ask.

"Don't worry, darling, I've got this!", she smiles, "But you should go take a rest now, it has been a long morning..."

You nodded and after giving her a hug, you made your way up to Charlie's bedroom. On your way you could see Harry and Ginny, just hanging out in her bedroom, Arthur reading a muggle book in his, and Ron napping. All of them looked peaceful and happy, perhaps you were the only one that still wasn't able to move on...

Just as you were thinking about that, you heard loud voices coming from Fred and George's old bedroom.

"... Angie, I promise I didn't know she was supposed to come..."

"4 years, George! 4 years! She disappeared and abandoned you!"

"She didn't!"

"Yes, she did! Where was she when you couldn't sleep or even look at you in the mirror?! I was there! Not her!"

"This is not what the conversation is about!"

"It is! You can't forgive her and hug her like nothing has ever happened!"

"YES I CAN!", you heard George's voice getting louder, "I need her!"

And with that, complete silence. You decided it was better to not keep listening, it was a private conversation and you've had already heard enough.

You finally reached for the doorknob of the bedroom and when you were about to open it, you heard a loud thud followed by a quiet "fuck you, George".

"Oh, great!", Angelina exclaims when opens George's door.

"Angie..."

"Not. A. Word.", she spits, "I have heard and seen enough of you"

She turns around and makes her way down to the living room.

You raise your head and exchange glances with George, who was sitting on his bed, looking completely miserable.

"Are you okay?", you ask, slowly entering his room, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-

"It's okay... Don't worry about me... She's right I suppose..."

"She is... Look, I can't explain how sorry I am... for everything, for leaving you, for not keeping in touch with you..."

He didn't say anything, he just stood up and hugged you. You had missed him so much, and it's been so long... But nothing had changed, he was still the same George, same hair, same smile, same smell...

"You're here now...", he whispers.

You stayed like that for a few moments, enjoying each other's company, and you could feel how he needed this hug as much as you needed it.

"Can we talk?", he says when he separates from you.

"Yes, of course!"

"I'd rather do it in private, if you're okay with it... There's a lot to talk about and I feel it won't be the same if everyone's around..."

"Yeah! I understand... Tell me when you feel like it..."

"Tonight? I don't want to rush or anything, I just need-

"Tonight is great, Georgie...", you caress his cheek.

"I missed you calling me "Georgie", he smiles, taking your hand in his. He placed a soft kiss on your knuckles and decided to go to the kitchen help his mom with the rest of the dishes, to what you decided to go to your room and take a nap.

Closing your eyes, hundreds of images of you running through the castle with the twins invaded your mind. Memories of them chasing you after pranking them, or simply trying to escape from Filch... You felt a something warm and comforting rushing through your body for the first time after what seemed to be an eternity. Perhaps being there was really what you needed to heal...

☆…☆…☆…☆…☆…☆…☆…☆…☆…☆…☆…☆…☆

tag-list:

@28cnn , @lindsaytriestowrite , @jenniweaslee , @amityyyjade , @dracossimp01 , @themoonwithprophets , @hufflepuffflowers , @georgeweasley19 , @mendesdelight

[thenextchapter22]

Little Angel in the Devildom

Description: A spell to make her look younger changes her to the mental age of a toddler. The demon brothers and the undatables all try to make her life as happy as possible while trying to find a cure on the side.

Warnings: De-aging mentally, Age Play, Adorableness, WIP

Pairing(s): NONE! Unless you count non-romanticly...

Word Count: 5,414

Link to my AO3: Click Here

Author’s Notes: So this is going to be written in she/her pronouns and has an unnamed female main character. Fluffy goodness abound! :3 This is also an ongoing work I will randomly update. Please Enjoy~

_+_

Bedtime (Lucifer)

“Let’s brush your teeth now, my dear.”

She groaned while Lucifer just chuckled. “Come now, it’s the same as each night. Why is tonight so upsetting to you?”

The pair headed up the steps to the bedrooms in the House of Lamentation, Lucifer helping her with a hand on her lower back as they climbed. They had finished dinner a few hours ago and has some leisure time but now it was bedtime (for her).

She sighed loudly, shoulders slumping. “I’m not tired. Brushing my teeth means bed. Can’t I stay up and watch TV? Or-or, um, Levi and me can play some games!” She grinned at him, hoping to charm him into what she wanted.

He hushed her softly, her smile changing into a pout. This made him look on at her fondly while she sort of half-stomped into the bedroom. He had such a soft spot for her, it was ridiculous. She made his demonic heart just a little bit as it was in the Celestial Realm, when he was looking after his younger brothers. Caring. Loving.

“We’re inside so please lower your voice. And no, you cannot watch TV or play games tonight. It’s far too late for that.”

“Aw! No fair.” Why did Luci have to be such a dad all the time, it was no fun at all for her.

He waited while she brushed her teeth and changed into her PJ’s in the bathroom. When she re-entered he was switching the tiny nightlight on the wall on. It was a crescent moon, comforting to her because it illuminated the dark room. She loved the moon.

“All right, bed for the little humans,” he said, reaching for her to lay her down in bed under her covers. Despite her still being a regular sized human woman, she still was mentally the age of a human toddler so he tried his best to treat her like he would a child in any way possible.

It was an almost nightly routine for him to do this. If not Mammon (he helped her sleep with cuddles when she had bad days or just wanted company at night) or Satan (who read to her at night before bed most times) usually it was Lucifer that tucked her in and made her feel safe before she went to sleep. Beel sometimes woke her up when he was getting snacks and they shared, but that was their secret.

She yawned as she sank into bed. It was warm and cozy and snuggled in with a happy shake of her body.

He smiled. “Ah, so you are tired.”

She stuck out her tongue, blew a raspberry at him. “No way.”

He gave her a stern look. “If it were not so late, I’d have you in the corner for that.”

She froze. “Sorry…”

He hummed and sat beside her. “Did you have a good day?” he asked softer, gently brushing hair from her cheeks.

“Yeah.” She thought some more on the day, and wondered about something that had been bothering her. She had to be brave to ask it, though. “Luci?”

“Yes?” He replied, tucking the blankets around her frame.

“Why am I here?”

He stopped his motions. Lucifer sat back and looked at her. His dark features always seemed like they should frighten her, but they made her feel better. Somehow, she trusted him not to do her harm despite how scary he could be to others (like how mean he was to Mammon).

“I don’t ‘member lots of stuff but I had a dream where I was someplace else… they sky was blue and I was in a different house but none of you were there. It was sad.”

Lucifer knew this day was coming. One couldn’t be a human, be told they were in fact human, and not wonder about being surrounded by demons and angels. Plus, they still did not know what exactly she remembered after the accident and they also did not want to scare a child with the information of actually being an adult. Yes, she looked like an adult, but there weren’t any children in the Devildom so it wasn’t like she didn’t know the difference. It might hurt her more mentally and Lucifer couldn’t stand to see her hurt in anyway. As the humans said, better safe than sorry.

“That’s a hard thing to answer.” He paused. “I’ll tell you some other day.” Hopefully that would satisfy her for now.

She frowned. “Is it… is it bad?”

“No, it’s not.” He smiled, and, after finishing gathering the blankets around her tight enough to feel warm but not constricted, he leaned down inches from her face. He kissed her forehead, and whispered, “Sweet dreams.”

When he left, the room was bright from the crescent moon plugged into the wall. But she could feel Lucifer’s own presence, not a light, but a dark warmth, surrounding her as she fell asleep. She never wanted to leave home.

__++__

Prince (Diavolo)

The House of Lamentation family was gathered in the common room waiting for a special guest. An actual Prince was coming to visit. Lucifer called him ‘Lord’ but that was the same as Prince honestly.

She could not wait to meet an actual real-life Prince, just like the ones in the story books that Satan read to her at night. She jumped around for joy, screaming giddily, “I can’t wait to meet the Prince!”

Lucifer hushed her and told her to calm down. “Inside voices, please.”

Asmo was pouting, and he asked her, “We’re Princes of the Devildom, darling, so why are you so excited?”

She shook her head frantically, the ribbon curls that Asmo put in her hair smacking her in the face. But nothing deterred her. “No, ‘s not the same!”

“And why not?”

She twirled the dress, a pink and fluffy one with white stockings and white heels with bows on her feet, the perfect outfit to meet a Prince because she looked just like a Princess. She pretended to think on his question, then smiled and said, “Cause I said so!”

Asmo whined. “So mean…”

Satan laughed, crossing his legs on the sofa. “You heard her.”

Huffing, Asmo crossed his arms. “I wonder if she was like this before she came here.”

She did not know what that meant. As far as she knew, she was always in Devildom. But, she had no time to think on it because, again, a literal Prince was coming!

She was spinning in circles, passing the time, waiting impatiently for the Prince to come by. Twirling until she got dizzy, balancing with her arms and giggling when she got a head rush.

Lucifer sighed for the millionth time from where he sat on the armchair. “Please, be careful.”

Resisting the urge to stick out her tongue was hard, but she did because he would be mean and not let her meet the Prince and that would be awful.

A door opened and closed. She stood still, stomach clenched tightly. She was so nervous. Did she look pretty enough for him, a Prince?

But it wasn’t a Prince that entered the room first, and she only knew that when he, a demon with short hair dyed at the ends, pretty with bat-like horns on his head and bright eyes, said, “Presenting Lord Diavolo,” while gesturing to his left where the doorway was.

“You don’t have to do that here, Barbatos.”

“Yes, my lord. I find it fun, however.”

A deep guttural laugh that made her toes tingle, and then he entered and he was… incredible. Dressed in a red suit and bright gold eyes, soft looking red hair, and so big and tall. He could lift her up and take her all over! Piggy back rides for the rest of her life sounded so great.

“I’m sure you do,” the Prince said in response to Barbatos. Then he smiled wider, and held open his arms in greeting. “Hello everyone. How is—gah!”

She jumped into his arms (they opened for her, right?). Distantly she heard the brothers collectively groan, coo, and gasp. But she did not care. The Prince was here and he was so warm and smelled so nice, and he caught her quick and perfectly held her. Was this love?

He chuckled, a deep sound reverberating the room and in her chest. His arms encircled you, warm and incredible. He smelled almost like Lucifer but a different darker type of smell. She snuggled into his chest. “Hello. Do you know who I am?”

“Prince. ‘m a Princess.”

He laughed again. “I see that. What a beautiful one you are, too.” He pet her hair down, and she blushed, mumbling in embarrassment.

“My Lord, I am so sorry, she forgets—”

“Lucifer, it’s completely fine. Actually, it’s quite endearing.”

She glanced over at the green haired demon to see his eyes squinted at her, and he wore a smile. She then looked up at Dia—Divol—Dola…. This was hard for her.

“Di-Di!”

The room was silent.

“Excuse me?” Lucifer asked in shock.

“DI-DI?! HAHA!” Satan laughed.

Diavolo just laughed again. Then, he lifted her up by her waist, and spun. She clung to him and giggled. She was lightheaded as both stopped spinning, and he set her down, hands on her arms to steady. He grinned. “You are so precious. I almost wish we could keep you this way, but alas we cannot.”

Everyone kept saying that and she hated it. She just ignored it again, too happy because her Prince was telling her how precious and cute she was. All the work Asmo did was working, she was gonna get married!

He led her to the couch, and she was sat down. He then knelt, making the others gasp again. He took her hand, and smiled. “My Princess, I must take my leave to speak with the others, but we will see each other soon.” He kissed her knuckles, and she blushed brightly.

“O-okay, y-yes! Please, I wanna see you too,” she said, kicking her feet against the couch.

He nodded firmly and stood up. Glancing down at her with a bright smile, he said, “We will, I promise.”

She watched him leave, and Asmo came to sit by her. “Well? What did you think of the ‘Prince’?” he asked, adjusting the curls in her hair as he did.

She sniffled. “He was so pretty.”

“Prettier than me?”

She looked at Asmo, saw his broken expression. Then she climbed onto him and hugged him, smashing his face between her hands. “No one is prettier than you, Asmo.”

He grinned. “Of course not.” Then, a wicked look flashed over his eyes, and he was tickling her. “You never should have doubted my beauty! Now you will pay, little princess!”

She laughed and cried with happiness. It couldn’t have been a better day.

__++__

School (Mammon)

Mammon walked up the steps to RAD. He was late, as most mornings, but he had no clue he was being followed.

She was close behind him the entire time he walked to school. She was lucky he didn’t fly like he sometimes did when he was late but he must not have felt like it. She giggled when he almost caught her but she hid behind a bush and waited until she heard the doors shut to follow.

The only reason she was sneaking to school was because she was lonely. She hated how often she was left alone at the House of Lamentation. Well, she wasn’t totally alone, Belphie and Levi were usually there to watch her, Levi had online classes and Belphie only sometimes went to school and still got great grades. And Lucifer was usually home doing paperwork if he wasn’t out at Diavolo’s castle.

Lucifer would be so mad at her. He told her forever ago “Do not speak or even glance at any other demons aside from me, my brothers, and Lord Diavolo or Barbatos, do you understand?”

“I do,” she whispered to herself. She would be very careful.

When she opened the doors, Mammon was not there. Instead, two large scary demon boys stood in the way. Both super tall, dark black eyes, with toothy grins as soon as they saw her. Spikey horns and identical facial features, brothers it looked like. The only different was one had purple horns and the other red.

Her heart pounded in her chest, and she realized this was a bad, very bad idea.

The red horn demon stalked towards her, backing her into the nearest wall. “Look what we found.”

“A good breakfast, we found, didn’t we?” said the other with purple horns.

Tears started running down her cheeks, and her hands were shaking. She held them in front of her and begged, “Please…”

There wasn’t anyone around, all the doors she saw were closed and farther down the hallway. She was doomed.

“Please? Get a load of this, it can beg. Should we make it beg for its life?”

Body shaking, she pressed back as far as she could, arms and legs adjacent to the wall. Nails scratched the chipping paint. There was a lump stuck in her throat and it burned. Fear, this was pure fear. Had she ever been so afraid before? She always had the protection of the house, and the brothers, and now she had made the mistake of leaving and screwing it all up.

“Mammy,” she mumbled. She kept her eyes facing straight, looking right at the chests of the two demons closing in. She couldn’t look at their eyes, they were like looking into the blackness of space and that was terrifying.

“What was that?”

One hot hand touched her shoulder, making her jump and causing them to laugh loudly. Fingers tugged her hair. They were playing with her. Playing with their food.

“Mammy.” She spoke more clearly, but still somewhat mumbled to them.

They laughed at her again. “Is she calling for her mommy? Ha! How pathetic the human race is. She knows she’s going to die, right?”

Her face was hot with tears, and she felt something tugging at the core of her stomach. Death. It was close. They were going to kill her. Eat her alive.

She shut her eyes tight, wishing for anything to come to mind to save her. “Mammy, please…”

The hand on her shoulder was big and heavy and heated, and it gripped her face tightly. That was all it took because then, with a burst of strange power in her voice, she screamed with clarity, “Mammon!”

A sound, crackling like a fire, and a feeling of warm energy in her body, and she heard him. Her savior.

“What is going on here?!”

The hand on her was gone. She felt the air come back to her, cleaner than before. Her eyes shot open, bleary and focusing. She was going to be okay now that Mammon was here.

“Move aside. NOW.”

The two demons stepped aside, stiff and robotic as they did, and she knew somehow they were now afraid. Because Mammon was powerful. Lucifer had told her so, that was why he was her main protector.

Mammon was in front of her, and he crushed her to his chest. She clung back just as desperately to him. A few more tears fell in elation. “You’re okay?! Please tell me you didn’t get hurt, because if you did I will kill—I-I mean…” He pushed back, holding her face in his hands. His eyes frantic as they looked her up and down, pushing her hair back gently, checking every inch of her for harm. He sighed in relief when done. “You’re not hurt?”

She sniffed, fingers tight in his uniform shirt. “No. Was scared though. How-how did you know?”

He raised a brow. “To come here and save you? I am the Great Mammon, you know.” He grinned that sideways grin that usually made her laugh. But right then, she just blinked, not convinced. He shook his head and his smile was gone, in place a tense serious expression. “I’ll explain later. For now, I want you to go over there and face away, and cover your ears. Can you do that?” he asked gently.

It was easy enough to do. But, “You won’t leave?”

He smiled. “I promise I never will. Just one minute, okay? Then we’ll go back home.”

He led her between the two demons, who seemed to be stuck where they were from fear and dread until she was at the opposite end of the hall, which was still empty.

“Close your eyes and don’t look no matter what. Cover your ears, too. Good.” He pat her head, and she blushed. He moved away, his presence she could feel gone but not too far.

It was only seconds, and she heard a dim shout. She flinched in reflex. Her mind could not comprehend what was happening and she knew it wasn’t good. But she also knew Mammon was doing what he had to do.

A light tap on her shoulder and she turned around. Mammon was there. He everything she could have wanted in a hero. She didn’t know what happened, but she knew he was right there, and he would be there to keep her safe always.

He held out his hand and she took it. “Let’s go home.”

Mammon carried her on his back, speed walking as fast as he could to make her giggle at the feeling of the wind passing by the both of them. When she got home he took her to wash her face and change into house clothes, which consisted of leggings and a big warm sweater. He said he was staying home with her to keep her out of trouble.

She covered her mouth with her hand, laughing. “Mammy, you are trouble.”

He sputtered. “Hey! I wasn’t the one that snuck out to follow me to school, was I? Lucifer is going to be so pis—mad! He’s going to be mad at you and me.”

She shrugged. “I’ll just get time out.”

He sighed, glancing up at the ceiling. “And I’ll just get strung up, no biggie.”

The day went by, the both of them hanging out. Later, both had ramen for lunch, his super spicy and hers mild, and both watched some movies on TV. Belphie joined in, too, eventually, cuddled on her other side. She felt so happy to have them with her. This was exactly what she needed and wanted.

Belphie yawned. “Why are you home, Mammon? Failed some quiz or something?”

Mammon sputtered. “NO! She followed me to school, activated our pact when some demons attacked her.”

Belphie was shocked, so shocked he stopped mid yawn to glance between her and Mammon. “Wait, she activated the pact?”

“Yeah, it was strong, too.”

“She’s pure trouble,” Belphie sighed.

“Yup.”

“Did you take care of it?” he asked in a darker tone.

Mammon grinned. “Yeah, it’s all taken care of…”

And when Lucifer was told of what happened, Mammon got hung up in the entry hall, while she got time out for one hour and had to write on a chalkboard 50 lines “I will not sneak out”.

She knew it was a lie each time she wrote it. Because, as two of the brother’s said, she was trouble.

__++__

Tea Party (Barbatos)

The rounded table was set with a pretty white lace table cloth, and a tower of treats sat in the center. Tea was steaming hot and cups were set around each plate. The guests consisted of 2 living and breathing occupants, and 4 stuffed creatures dressed to the nines.

“Yay! Tea party!” She was so excited, she loved tea time with Barb. He made yummy treats and always made her laugh with his funny stories about everyone.

Barbatos sat beside her after pouring tea into each cup. “I’m excited as well. I always enjoy our tea time.”

She smiled at him and his heart melted. He truly did enjoy this time they spent together. Always he was with Lord Diavolo, or other demons and her, but never just the two of them outside of this special time. He was glad his master let him have this little bit of time with her. Sometimes others joined them but mostly it was just the two of them and that’s how they liked it.

“All right, little miss, today we have apple and cheddar scones, strawberry meringue roses, chai tea sandwich cookies, and, your favorite, mini chocolate cupcakes. The tea is chamomile with honey for your sweet tooth.”

She gasped as she looked at all the treats. “It’s so pretty! Thank you, thank you, thank you!” She was clapping and shaking in her seat and reached over to half hug him. “You’re the best,” she sighed.

He pat her back, inhaling her sweet scent. “It’s my pleasure, little miss.”

She giggled. “Okay, big mister.”

He playfully pinched her and she pouted at him. “Try the tea. If it’s not to your liking, I have others as well.”

She took a sip of her tea and sighed. “So good!” she whispered in excitement. She turned to the bear at her left, and asked, “What do you think, Teddy?” She pretended to listen, and nodded. “Yeah, I think so too.”

He held back a laugh, which was quite difficult for him. “I’m glad you enjoy it.”

This was something small he could do to make her smile. In her current state of mind, he would make sure she was taken care of, and if it was something as simple as a weekly tea time then he would make sure to prepare her favorites and keep that adorable grin where it should be.

__++__

Storms (Beel & Belphie)

Storms in the Devildom were scary. She did not like them. The skies were dark already and now it was like there was no light at all, and the rain was almost as loud as the thunder. There was no lightning to go with it, just continuous rumbling clouds.

She wanted to sleep but it was too hard. So she snuck out of her bedroom and down to the kitchen, hoping that something warm in her tummy would make her feel better.

But it was worse and louder somehow, and she found herself shaking under the table, cold and scared and just wanting it to stop.

“Hmm? What are you doing under there?”

She gasped when she was grabbed by her arm and pulled out, sliding along the flooring. She looked up and saw Beel with an arm full of food. She must not have heard him over the rumbling thunder.

He frowned at her, and helped her stand up. “You’re crying.”

She nodded, and jumped when a loud boom hit. She was in his arms in seconds flat, sobbing. “S-s-sc-cary! Loud!”

He hoisted her up in his arms. He didn’t like seeing her so scared, so he decided he would keep an eye on her. She should not be alone. “Yeah, the storms are loud. I’ve got snacks in my room so let’s go there.”

She just let him take her, feeling safer and warmer in his embrace. His big hands held her, and she shoved her face into his chest to try and block out the noise.

“Beel, you’re back already?” Belphie’s sleepy voice called. “Oh, you brought company.”

“She’s scared of the storm.”

She was put on Beel’s bed but she clung to his shirt tightly that he had to sit down first with her being held on his lap. A loud bang came, and she cried out, pushing her body close to Beel’s. “Make it stop.” She was begging, sobbing.

Belphie sat up from his bed and blinked to get sleep out of his eyes. He found his way to Beel’s bed and pet her hair back, shushing her softly. “You want to sleep, little one?” he cooed. He felt terrible seeing her so frightened, he would do what he could to make her feel better again.

She nodded against Beel. “Please…”

“Okay, keep your eyes shut. Get comfy, there you go. Now think happy thoughts for me.”

With Beel was her pillow, and Belphie was caressing her hair and cheeks, she slowly stopped hearing the booming thunder and loud rain hitting the house. She heard laughter instead, and when she opened her eyes she was in a field of daisies and had all her friends with her.

__++__

Pranks (Simeon)

Mammon started it all. First it was a tiny prank to Lucifer, and she couldn’t stop giggling when she saw his bright pink hair. He fixed it easily, but poor Mammon was strung up for days. She asked him for prank ideas.

“Mammy, can you tell me some pranks?”

He grinned and ruffled her hair. “Oh yeah! I’ve got tons. Some are too hardcore for you, but I have a few good ideas… Who do you wana prank?”

She thought for a second, who would be the one least likely to get mad at her. She did not want to end up like Mammon. Oh! “Simy!”

He burst out laughing. “This is gonna be good! Simeon’s a great choice, babe. Let’s get to ready to prank an angel!” He tugged her away, the both of them laughing down the halls.

Simeon loved her. She was adorable and cute, and they walked through the gardens together and picked flowers. They even made flower crowns before, Asmo got a kick out of that.

But he had no idea what was coming to him.

It was easy, all she had to do was set a bucket on top of the doorway and wait after they invited him over to play. It was filled with colored paint, she had picked blue to match Simeon’s eyes, and super heavy so Mammon helped her set up the bucket.

“Next time, we’ll do a prank you can actually pull, yeah?”

She nodded eagerly. “Please!”

He sighed, clapping his hands. “Well, I’ve got to head out to a gig. But tell me how it goes! And remember, do not tell Lucifer I gave you this idea or helped you. Swear?” The both of them pinky swore, and Mammon was off.

She waited and waited. It was awful, Simy took forever. Until there came the sound of footsteps, then Simeon’s voice. “Are you in there, little angel?”

It was a nickname he had for her almost instantly after she was mentally de-aged. She loved being called all sorts of nicknames, but this one was a favorite because he was so pretty and kind to her and gentle when he spoke. So she knew he wouldn’t get mad. She felt a little bad, but she really wanted to pull a prank and he was perfect.

“Oh, there you—”

The door opened fully, and the bucket dropped onto the Angel’s head. He stood there, bright blue paint running down his body, bucket on his head, paint all over the floors. He took it off after a second, and she squealed in laughter. His hair was coated in thick blue paint, the only part of him not covered was some of his legs, and his whole face was, too, she could barely see it. His shoes were totally covered, too, in a puddle of thick paint.

Her chest hurt with how much she was laughing, she could barely talk. “B-b-bluuee f-fa-ace, ha ha ha!”

“Oh my.”

He looked at her, and disappointment ran across his face. He swiped his hands over his eyes and cheeks, and then sighed, smiling softly at her. “Well, I suppose a small prank isn’t that terrible. You really are not so innocent, little angel. Perhaps I should call you little devil.”

She stopped laughing hysterically, breathing heavy, and pouted when he pat her head. “S-sorry. It was supposed to be funny. Was it?” She hoped he wasn’t mad. She never saw him mad before.

He chuckled. “For you, I guess it was funny. For me, I think it’s just a mess,” he said, lifting his arms, dripping wet blue paint.

She blushed. “I’ll clean up, I swear!”

He nodded, and paint dribbled down. “Good girl. Let’s get to cleaning, then.”

After he wiped his face clear, the room was cleaned, and Simeon had changed clothes (still the same, somehow, probably more magic), they settled down and ate some cookies left in the cabinets. She was tired from laughing so hard and Simeon felt a more relaxed evening would be best.

“Simy?” she asked, cuddled close to him.

He kissed the top of her head. “Yes, my dear?”

She looked up at him, blushing. “You looked pretty with blue hair.” She grinned.

She got a pinch to her cheek, and laughed when he pulled her onto his lap to tickle her until she took back her words. Maybe next time her prank would be something less messy.

__++__

Sick (Satan)

Her head, throat, and tummy ached. She was sick. And no one would leave her alone to sleep. Her room held 4 of the 7 demon brothers, Lucifer, Mammon, Asmo, and Satan, but he wasn’t there just then.

“Lucy, ‘m tired. Sleep?”

He shook his head. His elegant fingers brushed delicately across her cheeks where she lay in bed, feeling the heat from a fever on his fingertips. “Not yet, sweetheart. We’re waiting for Satan to bring back medicine for you. Stay awake a little longer.”

She sniffled. “Sweepy,” she whispered.

He made a sympathetic sound. “Poor darling. Soon, I promise.”

“Hey, when’s he comin’ back? My human shouldn’t be feelin’ like this for so long!”

“She looks so terrible. The poor dear.”

She squeezed her eyes shut. She just wanted to sleep. Her head hurt. She loved them so much but they kept talking and it was too loud, but she was too sick to say anything and Lucifer said she had to wait for medicine before she could sleep anyways. She hated medicine, and again, she just wanted to sleep. Her eyes were drooping and in sleep she couldn’t hurt as bad, right?

The door opened. “Satan, finally. Bring it here.” Lucifer ordered.

A rustle of a plastic bag, and then a bottle cap opening was what she heard. “Why is the entire house in here? She need rest, not a party.”

“He’s correct. All of you, leave now.”

Whining from the two others, and then the door shut and it wasn’t as loud. She opened her eyes to see Satan and Lucifer there, the oldest holding a plastic weird spoon in his hand with purple liquid, the other frowning at her directly behind.

Lucifer pushed the spoon to her face. “You need to take this.”

She turned her head. “No way, nuh-uh!”

He sighed. “If you want to feel better, open your mouth and drink this. Please.”

She started to cry. “Hate it. No.”

Satan sighed, “Let me try.”

“Good luck.” Lucifer handed it to him, and took a step back for Satan to take his spot.

“If you drink this nasty stuff now, you’ll feel well much sooner. The chances of you taking it again aren’t as high. So either take a few spoonful’s of this now, or more later on. What do you prefer, kitten?”

She reluctantly opened her mouth because more medicine sounded terrible. He poured it inside, and she coughed at the yucky taste. He helped her drink some water, and then she settled back, happy to finally be able to sleep.

Lucifer looked on and smiled. It was sweet that Satan cared for her like this, so he figured it wouldn’t hurt to let them be for a while. “I’ll leave you alone to rest. Satan, make sure she’s looked after.”

“I will.” Once Lucifer left, Satan sat beside her and asked, “Were my brothers troubling you, kitten?”

The medicine was kicking in quick because she was even more tired, and speaking was hard. “Loud,” she said, with a pained expression.

He tutted. “They worry in their own way, I suppose. But you need to rest. Close your eyes and I’ll read to you. Cinderella, or perhaps Sleeping Beauty?”

She mumbled, “S’eeping ‘eauty.”

“Excellent choice.” He settled down beside her, and pulled the book out. One hand held it open with the ease of reading for centuries, while his other pet her head, soothing with his caring hand, coaxing her into slumber as he read about Sleeping Beauty. She fell asleep, a nasty taste in her mouth, but a lovely voice in her ear.

[walkerismychoice]

Rumor Has It (Raleigh X MC)

Book: Platinum

Pairing: M!Raleigh X MC

Rating: PG-13 (just a slight bit of language)

Author’s note:  This is a request from @withbeautyandrage for Day 7 of the Choices February Challenge - Gossip. Yes I realize I’m already 2 days behind, but better late than never right? Subsequently other requests are running behind as well but I promise to complete them all.

Word Count: 1679

Every morning on her walk to the recording studio, Aria makes a point to take in the sights and sounds of the city. A small town girl at heart, she doesn't know if she'll ever get over the wonder that is New York. As much as she she still feels a bit out of place among the bustling crowd of natives zooming along the sidewalks with their heads down and only their destination in mind, she hopes to never become as jaded as so many of them are.

She's gotten a later start today so she has to skip stopping for coffee. That doesn't keep her from appreciating the rich aroma wafting through the air as she passes her favorite cafe. She pauses a moment, closes her eyes, and inhales deeply. Smelling it almost as good as tasting it. Never mind, it just makes her want it more, so she picks up the pace to ensure time for her weekly, somewhat self-indulgent ritual.

“Hey, Joe!” Aria waves at the news stand owner.

His face lights up when he sees her. “How’s my favorite customer this morning?”

“Lacking caffeine, but otherwise decent. Got anything for me today?” Sure actual print media is falling out of fashion and she can get all the latest news and gossip in real time at the tip of her fingers, but there’s something about seeing herself on paper that makes it all more real. Some might think that’s vain, or just downright lame, but it’s all still new to her and she’s going to enjoy it while the novelty lasts.

“There’s a blurb about your collaboration with Avery in People and you’re mentioned in a couple of the rags.” Joe hands her the magazines.

“Thank-” Aria begins as she takes the stack only to be stopped in her tracks by the cover image facing her. "Uh, thanks Joe. Gotta run." She takes some cash out of her pocket, places it in his hand, and takes off, not evening waiting for him to offer the change she always refuses.

Once inside the busy Overnight Records lobby she plops down in a chair off to the side to collect herself. Staring at the pair on the cover and reading the accompanying headline her heart sinks once again: Reformed bad boy Raleigh Carrera and America's sweetheart Jaylen Riaz are the new “it” couple.

Aria wants to scream. She wants to tear up the magazine and chuck it across the room. But she can't afford another public meltdown spurred on by her rivalry with Jaylen. Ugh, she wasn't even trying to be anyone's rival, but their competition fueled it, and then when Jaylen got to sing Aria's song she lost it. She's spent enough time trying to ensure the public that she's not the hot-headed lunatic they saw on TV that day. Jaylen won't get the best of her again.

Just toss it in the bin, Aria's brain tries to convince her body to act responsibly, but curiosity gets the best of her. She opens up the publication to a nauseating two page spread and her stomach turns - Raleigh and Jaylen dancing too close in a club, sitting cozily in a booth, holding hands on their way out. However, none of those cause as much pain as the the one of Raleigh standing with his arm around Jaylen, an enormous smile on her face as he's whispering in her ear.

That's not all though. The worst part, the final insult to injury is Raleigh's hand down low straddling the the small of Jaylen's back and the curve of her ass, or at least that's what she assumed from experience. Throughout Aria's "relationship" with Raleigh that was the one thing, a simple intimate gesture both playful and protective in nature and hidden from view, that led Aria to believe what they had wasn't just for show. What a fool she had been.

Before Aria can listen to rational thoughts telling her that this could possibly be another publicity stunt, she's distracted by an inset with a broken apart picture of her and Raleigh.

"Rumor has it Raleigh broke Aria Campbell's heart when he left her for Jaylen?!," she can't help but read aloud, her voice escalating much more than intended. A nearby man in a suit looks over at her, and Aria takes a deep breath and vows again she's not going to fall apart. Out of patience and out of time, she throws the tabloids away, no longer interested what any of them have to say.

The click of her heels on the marble floor sounds extra loud as she stomps off in the direction of the studio. Aria’s fine, she really is. Her little thing with Raleigh was never supposed to be real, so what he’s doing now is none of her concern. Out of sight, out of mind...until he’s not.

“Fuck!” Aria blurts out, clasping her hands over her mouth as she comes to a dead stop.

“Well it’s nice to see you too, darling. Didn’t you miss me?” Raleigh stands inches away looking as smug as ever.

“What are you doing here?” Aria dodges his question with one of her own. 

“You know we are signed by the same record label....”

“But you weren’t on the schedule today,” Aria says before realizing she’s given away too much.

Raleigh smirks. “You stalking me Campbell?”

“Just an observation,” she replies coolly. “Anyway...I’m running late, so see you around.” She breezes past him without waiting for a response and doesn’t look back.

Aria’s recording session goes well - exceptionally well actually. Music has always been a safe space to channel her emotions, where she can feel without thinking too much. In fact, she’s almost forgotten she was so upset about Raleigh this morning, when she walks out the studio door to see the living, breather reminder once again.

“What, are you stalking me now, Carerra?”

“Touche.” Raleigh chuckles but then his tone becomes more somber. “I did check the schedule because I wanted to talk to you before you left. Something didn’t sit right after I saw you this morning. “Are you upset with me?”

Such a loaded question. Yes she’s mad at him even though she has no right to be, or maybe she does. Their relationship started out fake but somewhere along the way there was a shift, at least for her. But then he just let her go like she was just a contractual obligation that had been fulfilled.

“How’s Jaylen?” She deflects yet again, but she can't help getting right to the point. 

Raleigh shakes his head and lets out a sigh. “Is that what this is about? Jaylen and I are just friends, if you could even call it that. You know damn well how easily the media makes assumptions and how much the label encourages it. It's more like a work thing.”

"Just like I was a work thing? Did you fuck her too?" Aria fires back, almost in disbelief over her newfound boldness.

For the first time ever, she's the one to leave him lost for words. His eyes wide before they begin to soften Raleigh takes a step forward and tries to place a hand on her shoulder but she flinches and backs up against the hallway wall.

"Aria....it's not like that, we weren't like that."

"There was never a we. Once our little stunt was done, you seemed perfectly fine to wash your hands of me."

"But I thought-" Raleigh runs a hand through his through his hair. "Look, I'm used to women throwing themselves at me. I've never had to question if someone was into me. I really thought that you genuinely liked me, and the feeling was mutual, but then you talked about how relieved you were it was over and that we weren't forced to spend time together anymore. I may not have shown it, but that hurt."

Oh my god. Aria cannot believe what an idiot she had been. Unlike Raleigh, she'd never had such confidence in relationships. She doesn't want to say she had been testing Raleigh, but that's basically what she had done. She didn't want to face rejection, so she'd thought if she played it cool, Raleigh would have an easy out if he needed it.

"And I thought since you didn't fight me on it, you didn't really want me. God, I ruined everything."

Raleigh takes another step closer, and with her back against the wall Aria now has nowhere to go, but she doesn't want to either. He brings a hand up and she lets him rest his palm against her cheek, fingers twining in her her hair.

"Well then, to be clear, I want you Aria, I always have."

Raleigh's words and the sincerity in his voice create a spark that ignites a flame inside her. And when he leans in to kiss her, lips softly brushing hers until her response lets him unleash the hunger that's been lingering, that flame sets her whole body alight, like fireworks illuminating the dark night sky.

When they finally break for air, Aria can't speak. Raleigh has literally taken her breath away.

"Convinced yet?" Raleigh asks the question he already knows the answer to, amusement in his eyes and a smile playing on his lips. Aria just nods and he goes in for another kiss.

"Wait..." Aria turns her head and pushes her hands against his chest. "Aren't you supposed to be with Jaylen? Shouldn't you clear that up before anyone sees us? We wouldn't want to create any more scandalous rumors."

"But scandalous rumors make for the best publicity." Raleigh chuckles.

Aria laughs but shakes her head. "Your reputation may be bulletproof, but I don't need to add mistress to my list."

"Okay, okay. I'm texting Fiona to help handle my 'break-up' with Jaylen effectively immediately. Once the word is out, you're all mine and I don't care who sees it. Deal?"

"Deal." Aria shakes his hand as if they are entering another business deal, however this time it's anything but.

[the-moon-prince]

The Last Of us~Kurapika x Reader ~Chapter IX

AN: Hi my lovely fellows!

I’m sorry for the delay! Thank you so much for your patience and support! I love you all! This chapter is very long. In fact, this and the previous one would be one, but it already had more than 5000 words and I had not finished yet, so it seemed exesive to me. Anyway, I hope you enjoy it!

I wish you a pleasant read, and I hope you’ll enjoy the new chapter of my story.  (Chapter I) (Chapter II) (Chapter III) (Chapter IV ) (Chapter V) (Chapter VI) (Chapter VII)(Chapter VIII) (Chapter X coming soon!)

Paring: Kurapika Kurta x GN! Reader

Word count: 5 498

TW: None! Pure Fluff

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They were both impatient and excited for that night. It gave (Y/n) a warm nostalgia to share something so close to their heart with someone they loved. It gave Kurapika the feeling of not only being appreciated but of belonging. He perfectly understood how important traditions were to people in their position. It was something that, in a way, connected them with who they once were and with those who once loved them. At the same time, it could bring grief and yearning for it.  That (Y/n) invited him to be part of one of their traditions meant two things, which were essential to Kurapika: the first, they were contented enough to carry out the celebration; the second, those sorts of events are held with family, and (Y/n) considered him sufficient bosom to show him their traditions.

The hours until check-out seemed tediously long for both. But everything comes sooner or later.

The two kept close to each other as they prepared to leave. 

Melody saw them from afar. She hadn't seen Kurapika so happy and delighted regarding something. It was so pleasant to see her friend gleeful after so much.

They were the last to leave the Nostrade Mansion, checking that none of their co-workers were present to go through the door holding hands. They did not let go during all the traject to (Y/n)'s automobile.

"I propose that we go to your house so you can prepare changes of clothes if you'd wish."-they orated, a clear eagerness on their voice. A tone that wouldn't leave their voice through all that night.

"That would be very convenient, thank you"-He too was happy but better at hiding it behind his calm tone.

They drove Kurapika to his residence, chit-chatting during the entirety of the route. Kurapika had promised him that he would not be long-drawn and they could wait for him outside to speed things up. However, once alone at home, a wave of insecurity hit him. Something not proper in him. He began to question himself. It was something important to both of them, and he didn't want, for whatever reason, to ruin it. He was afraid of saying something perhaps inappropriate, hurting his feelings, or insulting his culture by accident. There was a whole list of things that could go through carelessness and were annoying. If someone did such actions referring to some tradition of the Kurta, he would sure be mad. Above, (Y/ n) had not been very specific with the type of event it was. He did not know if he would have to dress formally, or in his traditional clothes. He began to get distracted and discredit the decisions he made. Finally, he changed into his Kurta clothing, packed in a sack another change of his traditional clothing, his white loose pajamas, and one of his black suits.

When he returned to the car with his belongings, (Y / n) was distracted on their phone. For someone who liked playing on his cell phone so much, he responded very little to messages and calls. When he put his bag in the back of the car he noticed some grocery sacks. Which he was sure weren't there before.

"Did you went to the supermarket while I was inside?"-Kurapika inquired. They looked away quickly solely to return their sight to him.

"Yes... I did."- They thought it was a bit explicit.

Kurapika felt bad about the time he must have taken-"Did I really took so long?"

(Y/n) shook their head-"No, no, no, I mean, it was a bit lengthy, but I took the opportunity to go buy what was required!"-they reassured with a smile.

"I'm sorry for being overdue."-he apologized with a sigh, holding his forehead.

"No no! Don't apologize! It's fine! We only gained time. Plus you avoided the dull line at the store."- they also started to shake their hands. Truly seeking to comfort him, they even found it handy.-"Please don't worry, it's perfectly fine."

Kurapika sat in the passenger seat, put the seatbelt on, and headed to (Y/n)'s residence.

"I hope you don't have any allergies to almonds, since I purchased to make an almond dessert."-their expression suddenly changed to a deadpan one. Realizing they didn't even ask beforehand that important detail.

"No no, I don't."-he notified. Curious about the variety of sweet it would be.-"Will you make desserts repeatedly?"-His sweetheart maybe literally was a sweet heart.

"Yes!"-they cheered-"Are you good at cooking by any luck?"-another question, but this one with a blameworthy tone and a somewhat ashamed smile.

"I master the basics, why that question?"- were they planning on cooking together?

"Because I am terrible when it comes to cooking. It's no coincidence that I only have cookies or candy in my cupboard."-They admitted with rectitude. That person sometimes had brutal honesty about some things. Kurapika was very sure that they were capable of feeling shame and shame, even seldom they seemed not to be ashamed of some things that most people would be ashamed of.-"So more or less I depend on your abilities for this to be successful."

When they arrived at the house, a comforting smell filled Kurapika's lungs. It was so pleasant and familiar by now. He felt at home and relaxed. (Y/n) put the shopping bags in her kitchen and started pulling out a wide variety of pastry supplies. If it weren't for their earlier confession, Kurapika would think they know what they're doing. In fact, he doubted if they even had any clues.

"What are we doing, then?"- he questioned, wanting to make sure they at least had a plan.

"We are making Frangipane! It is a sweet almond-flavored custard patisserie!"-when they mention dessert, they immediately smiled-"it is exquisite! I like it a lot, although I have not eaten for a long time. I hope you will enjoy it too!"- they flapped their hands with emotion as they explained. At first, it was somewhat difficult for Kurapika to decipher what they were feeling, however, there were moments where their happiness and emotion were clear. That was adorable to him.

"It sounds heavenly! How do we make it?" his excitement seemed to have infected him as well. But she couldn't help it! If his lover was so smiling, he was as well.

"I don't know!"-they said it was still content.

Trouble hit Kurapika. Even if he could tell what they were feeling, their mind was still a mystery.

"How do you plan to prepare it in that case?"-he pleased, worrying all the event will fail. He didn't want to see their excitement and joy crushed.

"My mami- mami is how I referred to my grandma- taught me how to make it. Though I forgot."-they calmed and tilted their head."-Except, that's no problem at all. Do you mind waiting for just a miniature moment, please?" they added directing to their bedroom. They allegedly had some solution to the problem. But Kurapika still wondered how they could be so forgetful and brilliant at the same time. 

(Y/n) returned shortly afterward with a little book in hand. The book seemed to be handmade, the cover was made of fabric with a flower pattern, except there was no title on it.

"My mami made a cookbook for me!"- they sang as they showed him the book. Kurapika took it and started leafing through it. Why didn't they mention that part earlier?-"Recipes are nothing further than a sequence of instructions. And in general, I exceed in following commands. So everything should be under control."

Kurapika might know a lot about many things, but the language the book was in was not one of them.-"Darling, I cannot comprehend what is written." 

"I know. The exact reason why I will be translating it."- they explained like the most coherent thing ever. He returned the cookbook. They started reading it, looking for the recipe they needed.

Both traveled to the kitchen and (Y/n) started to read out loud the recipe.

"Let's start with the dough! This is the longest of the processes, and you would want to start with it. It's an inverted puff pastry. For it, a base dough is needed. Which you are going to envelop in butter multiple times..."-the safety of their voice dispersed as they read.-"How does she expect me to do that..."-they mumbled for themselves, although Kurapika was able to hear it. It was just the beginning, and they were already distressed.

"But don't stress (Y/n) even if it appears complicated said like that, it's easier than you might think. You just have to follow the steps I'll be giving you."-they seemed surprised at that encouragement.

"Did... did your grandma wrote that?"-even he was surprised.

"Yes... I... I guess she knew me extremely well."- it even seemed their mami was in the room, knowing exactly how they were feeling.

"For the base dough, you need to mix 15cl of water with 18 grams of salt and one teaspoon of white vinegar." (Y/n) started to measure said ingredients while integrating them into an ample aluminum bowl and stirred. "With the wet ingredients already prepared, append 350 grams of white flour and 115 grams of melted butter and mix until homogeneity... I can do that."

They melted the butter in the microwave and added the flour, followed by a quick stir.

"Spread the dough on a surface with flour and form a tiny square."-they weren't bad at following instructions. Kurapika stayed next to them, admiring their focused face while passing ingredients and supplies. He was somewhat nervous they were going to miss the recipe by accident and feel bad, but they were having so much fun he ignored it.

"Behold! Our base dough is finished! It was simple!"-(Y/n) looked so proud of their achievement.

"It is a well-done dough!"-It was the first time that both of them prepared something similar, he couldn't help but feel equally satisfied.

The dough was placed into the refrigerator. The succeeding step was to mix 150grams of flour and 375 grams of butter until obtaining a paste. The two of them were having fun with the preparation of the dessert. Serenely conversing added joy at the night.

"Earlier this day, you mentioned today was important. Is there a celebration?"-the blonde wondered, aspiring to know more about his beloved's traditions.

Their smile softened-"It is. Today Vere Solstitium starts. It was a big celebration for the Uniliums taking place during spring. It lasted 12 days."-they informed while spreading the butter mixture into a bigger square and placing the dough inside, enclosing it.

"What was intended to be celebrated?"-he continued, as he saw the dough being spread and folded two times in half.

"Being alive and together. We were a small clan. The fact that they were all good and united made us fortunate."-they explained with a soft voice and a kind smile as they placed the dough in the fridge again to let it rest. There was a sad undertone, the object of the celebration sure was warming and pretty, but given the fact (Y/n) was the last alive, it turned to be dark. Both sat on the couch to wait.

"I see. Is there a reason why it was feasted in spring?"-Kurapika continued to ask, even if once reflected the circumstances were sad, it seemed to be a topic close to their heart.

"Because that's when all the flowers are in bloom."- (Y/n) unexpectedly rested their head on Kurapika's shoulder. Not that it was unpleasant, totally the opposite. He loved their contact and affection, it was just that (Y/n) was peculiar with physical contact. Not because they didn't love him with all their heart, they just needed to get used.

"My people had a close relationship with nature in general, but especially with flowers. Each flower has a meaning for us. And each of us had an assigned flower. That flower symbolizes your soul. Your entire aura lived in your flower and was part of it."-their voice was sweet and nostalgic. It did it good to share aspects so dear to them with someone they cherished. Similarly, Kurapika was glad to be capable of grasping that kind of information. When you lose your home, sharing your memories is complicated and beautiful at the same time. It felt less lonely.

"Do you have a flower?"- he guessed. Having the opportunity to hear about the culture of (Y/n) made him feel comforted. And if he didn't listen to them, who else would?

They looked up at him with a smile and nodded-"I do! I'm the poppy!"-they exclaimed-"It has a mixed meaning, a small wildflower often perceived as childish and frail. It's often related to dreams, daydreams. Besides is a flower formerly used as an analgesic and sedative. The poppy is a flower of comfort and hope, particularly comfort in times of penury."-they cocked their heads to the right a little-"Although it has not helped me much."- chuckling a little to hide their sadness.-"The other one, I don't fancy it that much, although I terminated up growing used to it. It also contains a meaning of aggressiveness and fury. There's why it's a flower surrounded by mysteries."

Possibly they do not see it, or they still grieving, but they had brought Kurapika hope and lessened his pain in the lowest moments. He adored their mystery. Having someone by his side loving and supporting him was like a dream. While they could be childish at times, it was invigorating to him.

How long has he not laughed? 

How long has it been since he felt blissful?

 How long has it been since he felt emotion ticking his senses? 

How long has he not felt any hope for the future?

One of the mysteries of (Y/n) was how they remained innocent and well-meaning after extremely much. Kurapika had no idea how they were so impassive, but he was so glad that they did. To him, the poppy suited them pretty great.

"I think it is a tad funny how the poppy is related to medicine and I ended up in this career!"-they joked. Maybe the flowers were connected to their soul after all.-"We better keep working on the cake."

Not even themselves knew the time that had elapsed since they started talking. Kurapika was amused by how (Y/n) could at times be quiet for hours, and listen with all the attention that each fiber of their body allowed them to give; in others be so talkative. In any case, he loved talking with them and listening to them.

"Now the fun part! The filling!"-they grinned, really radiant, even if it was a simple cake. And it was a simple cake. Only it went further.

"Isn't it a little early to make the filling?"-he asked, starting to worry about the resolution of their experiment once more. He had taken, perchance, the part of "I rely on you to succeed" far too literally. They shook their head and whimpered in disagreement.

"It may seem that it is, however it is more useful to have it ready to spare time. And if you let it rest it will taste greater."- they explained, the idea was not foolish so discussing it would lead to nothing.

"Let's boil milk! We need 150 milliliters and a hint of vanilla!"-they pronounced vanilla a bit weird, yet Kurapika did too. It was perhaps a shared trait in nonnative speakers.-"I absolutely savor milk! I believe it to be the superior beverage."-they stated pouring the milk into a saucepan, it looked never used. 

"Because you're a cat?"-A hint of a tease as well as a bit of genuine interest in the question.

"Probably! When I was little, I used to give choccy milk to my cat each time I had."-another weird frank response-"Next, whisk two egg yolks with 25 grams of sugar."

"You had a cat? As a pet? Considering that you are a cat, it would not be bizarre to have one as a pet?"-He had no idea that (Y/n) had former pets, even fewer cats. A bit uncanny to own a miniature version of yourself as a pet.

"Mmm..."-they shook their heads from side to side in uncertainty-"Not really. Humans make friends with other humans. An accompaniment animal is just a friend or an adoptive member of your family. The difference is that since it is another species, humans treat it as inferior."- they exposed their point of view, as they quickly whisked.

"I think you are right."-he mumbled, feeling a bit ridiculous. After all, wasn't that the reason why they had been exterminated? The person in front of him was not even human; and yet they seemed to possess a more comprehensive notion of humanity than many humans.

"Sunshine, would you mind passing me the cornstarch, please?"-their request pushed kurapika out of his reflection.

"Sure, how...how much?"- he vacillated.

"15 grams, please."-he poured the cornstarch into a small jar and passed it to them.

"Thank you!"-they continuously added the starch into the mixture. It felt so homely to cook together.

Kurapika remembered seeing his mother cook, accompanying her in the kitchen and sometimes passing her some things. (Y/n) remembered how they liked to sit in the breakfast nook's chairs to read while their grandmother prepared meals that they still remember nowadays with affection.

"Now that the milk is boiling, we add it to the yolk mixture, and we return it to the saucepan!"-they announced.-"It says we have to be careful and to stir continuously until the custard thickens."

"At the Solstitium celebrations, what different activities did you used to do?"-the blonde continued to ask with a soft smile. He loved to hear his beloved's memories.

"Oh! We had a lot of activities! Some carried out by the different groups for the rest: Dogs and wolves had a chorus howling to the moon, rabbits, and deers their dance. I participated in the ball of cats and mice, but I was the only cat, which converted it rather the cat and mice dance."-they gushed, happy words flowing like honey.-"At those parties, we wore beautiful and distinctive gears. They were bright and full of embroidered flower decorations. We all got united to dance and roar around bonfires, the children drew pictures, made flower crowns, and presented plays, music was played. But what I loved the most was the spring dance. The participants gathered around a noble flower decor and we danced holding hands and ribbons until we could no longer stand. The last one to hold, for enduring all the dance, he was named spring's royalty! And had an honored seat during the rest of the celebration."-They continued to whip the cream until cooked, a soft expression never leaving their face. Once removed from the heat they added a tablespoon of butter and left to rest in the refrigerator.

Kurapika would have loved to see (Y/n) dance. A real shame. At least he already knew why they always used some embroidered flower decoration.

"Are you ready to make the almond cream?"-they continued, persistent in their crusade for the dessert.-"Kurapika, please put two entire eggs in a bowl, 100 grams of sugar, 125 grams of almond powder, and 100grams of soft butter, please. I'll mix it."-(Y/n) requested as they washed their hands. You couldn't tell they cooked poorly, but some practice was lacking, resulting in some spattering. Kurapika obliged their request, it was not uncommon for one to ask the other to do things. They didn't usually argue about "who was in the lead"; it was stupid. They just helped mutually.

"Hunny bun!"-another pet name (Y/n) liked. But how couldn't they? Kurapika was sweet as one! Hearing the honeyed name he came to them -"Here!"-The container with the almond cream was brought to his face. A very sweet smell filling his nose.-"It smells good, doesn't it?"-they bragged with a bright smile. 

He smiled too, seeing someone you love happy, spreads happiness.-"I can't deny that it smells delightful! We made nice work, darling."

"And we have not finished yet! The final result is even more scrumptious."-they announced.

(Y/n) stared a moment into the sticky sweet cream filling. They then directed silently towards their lover, resting a moment, supporting his weight on the counter. they took some of the mixture with two of their fingers and smeared it on his face.

"Boop!"-they started to laugh at the boy's face of surprise. They had already made some plays, but never pranks before. Oh! It was better for him to get accustomed to it, they were mischievous sometimes!

"Hey! Why did you do that?"-he of course faked some anger, but couldn't hide his smile.-"Come here! I will get revenge on you, sneaky cat!"

They screeched covering their smile with both hands. Kurapika started chasing them around the kitchen, as they slipped away and they avoided his grasp. They were there for a while. At one point, (Y/n) even got on all fours in their cat form as they jumped and ran from side to side just to complicate the situation for him. They eventually ran out of air and ended up getting caught.

"No, no, no, no!"-they started producing noises between hissing and laughing. Having them already in his grip, Kurapika cleaned the almond cream from his features with his hand and stamped it on their face. (Y/n)'s first reaction was to shrug their shoulders executing a grimace, wrinkling their face with a weird smile to next shook their head to the sticky foreign sensation.

"You asked for it (Y/n)! I told you I will get a payback!"-he mocked. It felt so gratifying to play a little!

"Jokes on you, my dear. I'm a cat!"-they snickered back, with their wands on the hips. They proceeded to wipe the candy with the back of their hand and lick it.-"Mouthwatering!"

They both laughed out loud, forgetting for a brief moment full of joy all their sorrows and desolations.

"You got fortunate. I want to taste it too. Let's finish the tart."-he smirked after giggling.

"It appears perfectly fair to me! We just have to incorporate the custard into the almond cream and the filling will be ready."-they continued to chuckle.

"And then we bake it?"-he inquired, really wanting to taste the dessert, it was merely the filling, but the smell was appetizing.

"I wish that, my love. But in the book, it says we must leave the dough rest some more time."-was the answer, accompanied with a light head shake. They had already calmed down completely.

"In that case, I will go sit down a moment."-Kurapika was starting to feel drained. It was late at night, and they had had a heavy day.

"Then I will prepare tea, is that okay?"-they said softly, realizing their weariness.

Between the warmth of the tea, the comfort of the armchair, and the feeling of peace the sleepiness grew in him. It was good at home. He didn't even realize he fell asleep.

~

Kurapika felt a poke on his right cheek and a sweet smell.

"Kurapika."- a whispering voice sang.-"My love, the frangipane is ready!"

His head was resting on the back of the chair. When he opened his eyes, he discovered a (e/c) pair with dilated pupils looking at him tenderly. He raised his head and looked around. As he looked down, he observed a padded blanket covering his body.

"You feel asleep."-(Y/n) whispered to him so as not to stun him.-"But the cake is ready and warm."-their eyes looked a bit tired too. A patisserie sitting on the coffee table in front of him. The cake was round, golden, and shiny. The crust had some simple flower-carved motif.

His lover was sitting by his side, waiting with an impatient stare and a smile. Kurapika sat back in his spot. (Y/n) approached the pastry and cut two pieces, placing them in round candy plates, passing him his share. It was two layers of golden puff pastry with a light almond luscious filling in-between. It had a sweet, buttery aroma. 

He grabbed the spoon and took a taste of the desert. The top was crispy and buttery, and the interior creamy, sweet and soft, a little fruity. It was a delicious homey and beloved flavor, as from an unknown childhood.

(Y/n) watched him waiting impatiently for his answer.

"It's deletable."-he smiled.

Then, they took a spoonful of cake. "Yummy!"-Immediately flapping their hand in happiness while savoring the candy.-"We did it! It tastes just like I remember."-they approved with a smile.-"My mami always doing what I can't, even believing in me when I don't."-they laughed.

"She left you a good recipe."-he assured.

"I'm certain she's proud of us in this precise moment."-they added, looking down at their plate.

"Did you do the flowers?"-Kurapika wondered, examining the crust of the tart.

(Y/n) hummed and nodded in confirmation-"With a scalpel!"

It made sense that they were skilled with blades, they were doctors after all.

"I used to eat this very often with my brother."-they mentioned taking another nibble of cake.

"You had a brother?"-he was surprised, they never had suggested the existence of siblings before.

"Not as such."-they tilted their heads, reflecting a way to describe it-" We were offsprings from different parents. Though we were both only children. In our community, in these cases, we were assigned a symbolic sibling. The fraternity was for taking care of each other."-The Kurta Clan didn't have something equivalent, but from what little they had mentioned, the Unilium were also a tiny community. Depending on their unison to preserve and care for each other. That practice, within its private Clan's rules, made sense.-"His name is Julian, he was a dog. As I was raised by wolves, by right of blood, I belonged to the order of wolves. Canis Lupus and Canis Lupus Familiaris, by proximity. Moreover, as we were from litters of just two years apart, we got joined."

Of the two, perhaps it was (Y/n) who spoke less about their origins and Clan. Kurapika had already mentioned, albeit vaguely: Pairo, his grandfather, and some adventures of the Lusko province. It also cannot be overlooked that (Y/n) liked to ask questions about it and always listened to him with application and interest in the subject. They generally cared about learning about the Kurta.

"And the cats? Didn't you had your order?"-he pondered, it was his turn to learn.

"Something similar. I was the only cat... I mean, not because it's something special, there just hasn't been a cat in a while. Finally, it was my turn."-they shared.-"The method of organization was somewhat tricky. If your parents were of a different race than yours, you belonged to their order; having been raised by them. Like a blood right, in that manner, no one was left without an order."-they specified once more-"The proximate orders were united. It was not a caste system, only that rabbits did not have the same abilities and dilemmas as wolves, for example. Having someone who had been through the same or similar as you eased."

They were silent for a few seconds, remembering. Kurapika wanted to ask more about their brother although he wasn't sure if it was convenient.

"Julian was a nice dog."-they looked down and stared at the tart piece a moment, with a trembling smile. Maybe they felt Kurapika's curiosity about the case. Perhaps they just wanted to remember him, who knows. But he started talking as if he knew accurately what was on the other person's mind.

"Poor him, they forced him to babysit me!"-they laughed, easing again-"His favorite food was egg sandwich."-they snickered-"Isn't that weird? One would expect something else..."-they continued to chuckle-"I don't know, something special. Some pasta, some stew, but no, just that. I mean, it was beneficial for me. Extorting him with food was pretty easy."- They always had been sneaky and playful after all! 

After that joke, they were silent for another moment. Kurapika wanted to say something to cheer them up, he had to. They continuously did. But they got ahead of him, speaking just as he opened his mouth.

"Kurapika, please wait here, I have something for you!"-they begged, heading to their kitchen. It didn't take long for them to come back with a large bouquet of beautiful flowers of different colors. The flowers were placed in several layers in long stems. They sat down next to him and offered them to him with a gentle and bashful smile. Kurapika had a surprised expression. He was not expecting a gift, less so unexpectedly.

(Y/n) avoided his gaze looking at the bouquet and tilting their head.

"They are gladioli."-they stated softly-"Its general symbolism is that of innate elegance. Its structure resembles that of a sword, recalling victory and strength. As well as the sources of ideals and honor."-they began to explain-"I also selected certain particular colors. White gladioli besides symbolize remembrance; oranges to others furthermore are an invitation to love; reds are for passion and strength of the spirit; finally, pink are a sign of good wishes. Gladioli are also known as the flower of victory."-their face was burning.-"I offer them to you as a genuine symbol of appreciation and love." Kurapika took the flowers and stared at them. He carefully touched the fragrant petals; they were fine. He was extremely touched by the gesture. He felt accepted and supported. The gift was overflowing with love and care, it was honoring. 

"Thank you (Y/n), they are precious."-he was not sure how to express all the warm feelings that were flooding him at that moment, and the drowsiness did not do him any favors-"thank you, dearly."- He had an immense desire to hug them, to hold them close and never let go.

"Kurapika, you're exhausted."-they delicately remarked, smiling lovingly-"We should go to bed, sorry for keeping you awake."-They got up and gathered the supplies before Kurapika could respond.

"No, it's okay. I'm fine."- he tried to reassure them when they came back.

"It's still 2:43 am. the most suitable thing is to go to sleep."- they couldn't deny they were tired as well.

"I suppose your right..."-he didn't had much force left, the tiredness was taking over.

They both marched to the bedroom. The bed was full of stuffed animals like last time. (Y/n) directed themselves to the bathroom.

"I'll use the restroom a moment if you don't mind."-they announced. 

"Are you taking a shower at this hour? Is it needed?"-he asked astonished. It was quite late and they seemed fatigued.

"Mmm... something alike, is intricate to explain. Although I promise I'm not going to delay."-they explained getting into the bedroom. Kurapika took advantage of that time to change clothes and put on his loose white pajamas. 

As promised, they didn't took long. When they came back with slightly damp hair, the blonde had barely had time to arrange all his belongings and was getting into bed.  (Y/n) got into bed on the same side as last time. This time they took the initiative and approached Kurapika, cupping his face. It was one of those rare moments when they looked into his eyes. He took those opportunities to admire their (e/c) catlike eyes. They were special and wonderful to him. They said nothing. (Y/n) slowly approached him and gave him a shaky kiss. It was the first time they had kissed him on the lips. The order of events in the relationship may not be the conventional ones. But Kurapika was aware that close physical contact costed them. He didn't mind taking it carefully either, it was worth it to him. It was a quick kiss. He leaned forward and kissed them again. They tasted sweet. Both finally leaned on the bed, close to each other, putting their faces together. (Y/n) slightly rubbed their cheek against his before snuggling. Holding him tight, they started to pet Kurapika's soft blonde hair.

"Goodnight darling." He whispered, feeling so loved, and being overcome by sleep.

"Goodnight sunshine"-they muttered back-"I'm assured they would have too loved you..."

[thosekidswhohuntmonsters]

True Self

Summary: Thor wishes that you could see yourself how Loki saw you, maybe then you'd realize how much you'd meant to him. It was as if everyone on the team could tell Loki was madly in love with you, except you.

Word Count: 5383

Rating: absolute filth 18+

Warnings: dirty talk, bad language, sexual themes

Authors note: this has 2012 every one is friends and loves each other avengers vibes™️ and to be honest, we need that right about now. 

♡if you enjoy this fic you’re welcome to leave a reblog/like/comment! feedback is not only welcomed but encouraged!♡

You were currently sitting in the living room of Stark Towers, for once all of you were able to enjoy a free day. Things were slow and before they got to 100 miles per hour again, you all were determined to enjoy it...even The God Of Mischief.

Loki was still relatively new to your group, and only you and Thor seemed to be able to get along with him. You didn’t know what it was, but when it came to Loki you just couldn’t help yourself.

Maybe it was the beautiful contrast between his pale skin and raven hair, or the way his intense blue eyes seemed to stare into your soul. It could be that infamous smirk of his, and how good it felt to be the cause of it.

Whatever it was, you had it bad. It wasn’t that you were inexperienced, but rather just shy...and the man was a god. You were just a mere mortal who happened to be able kick ass, but you didn’t have any special powers.

These types of thoughts stopped you from letting your feelings be known, but that didn’t mean your friends remained in the dark about them. Everyone seemed to pick up on them, even Thor himself.

Thor had become an extremely close friend to you, and you embraced each other's positivity and good heartedness. Whenever he saw the affect his brother had over you he would just laugh, “ I don’t understand you mortals, why do you hide your feelings?”.

You would just roll your eyes, “ Easier said than done coming from a literal god...I’m just me..”. His mood would shift when he heard you talk badly about yourself, it saddened him. He wished so badly for you to see yourself the way others saw you..the way his brother saw you.

Trust and friendship did not come easily to Loki, but they came easily with you. That was a miracle in itself, and Thor hated that you couldn’t realize it. Thor would turn to face you, always making sure you looked into his eyes for this was a serious matter.

He’d place a hand on your shoulder, “ A title like that means nothing, it is your actions that define you nothing else. Your actions make you a remarkable woman (y/n), it is a great misfortune that you cannot see that...at least my brother does”.

With that he would leave you alone with your thoughts, refusing to meddle any further. Thor loved you deeply, and he knew how lucky he was to have a friend like you.

Knowing that someone like you cared for his brother filled him with immense joy, if only you would act on your feelings. Despite what Thor told you, it was hard to see yourself how he saw you.

Currently you were in the kitchen talking with Steve and Bucky while the rest of the group hung out in the living room. Both the boys were arguing over who could make the best grilled cheese.

Bucky claiming that Steve “might’ve been frozen too long because his memory is damn wrong”. You sat there on one of the countertops, enjoying the bickering and teasing. Steve rolled his eyes, but laughed at Bucky’s comment.

He pointed the spatula at him, “ You and I both know I make the best grilled cheese in all of Brooklyn, Buck”. God they could argue over anything, but it was always lighthearted topics.

Things like, “ Who rode the Thunderbolt longest at Coney Island as kids” or even, “Who knew episodes of The Lone Ranger better”. You were just thankful that there was never any real fights between them.

Bucky was already getting the cheese and butter out of the fridge, “ Maybe that’s what you tell yourself to sleep at night…”. You laughed loudly at that, he was getting so into this. Steve grabbed the bread and pans, placing them next to the stove.

Suddenly both men turned to you, and you already knew what they were going to ask. Bucky spoke up first, “Why don’t we have our little (y/n) here be the judge!”. In hopes to get you on his side he finished his sentence with a wink.

Steve rolled his eyes, “ You’re barking up the wrong tree Buck, we both know who (y/n) has her eyes on”. You watched the smirk form upon Bucky’s lips, remembering your apparent crush for a certain Asgardian.

Trying to keep your cool you said, “ Right now I’d rather have my eyes on the best grilled cheese in all of New York, if either of you fools can make it”. They both pretended to be hurt by your comment, but the smirk only left Bucky’s face for a moment.

He raised an eyebrow, “ So what does it for you? The dark hair...the accent...his huge-”. Steve slapped Bucky behind the head, stopping his friend while he was ahead.

Bucky put his hands up defensively, “ I was going to say scepter, Captain Dirtymind”. Once again you found yourself laughing, you were lucky to have the friends you did. As if on cue Loki walked into the kitchen, maybe he was the god of bad timing.

Based off of the knowing glances both super soldiers were giving you, you were already blushing before Loki even said anything. He walked over to you with a book in his hand, “ Hello love, hungry are we?”.

You stood there for a moment without saying anything, your mind automatically drifting to more dirtier places. The sound of Bucky holding back a giggle behind you brought you back.

Smiling you said, “ I was going to see which one of these idiots could make the better grilled cheese”. You turned around briefly shooting daggers at both men, while they stood there smirking.

Since you were turned around you couldn’t see the smirk plastered across Loki’s face. He knew full well the innuendo he’d just said, and he knew why Bucky was laughing.

Loki questionably repeated the word, “ Grilled cheese?”. And you smiled realizing he had no idea what that meant. Steve spoke up, “ It’s a type of food here, that I just so happen to be the best at making”. For affect he turned to Bucky, a smug look plastered across his face.

You were eager to change topics, “ How’s the book coming along, do you like it?”. Loki shared your love of reading, and you’d actually got him to start reading one of your favorite books.

You’d given him your personal copy of, “ Cat’s Cradle by Kurt Vonnegut” will all your favorite quotes underlined. He smiled, “ American authors write quite differently than Asgardians, I’m afraid most references go over my head”.

He watched that beautiful smile of yours fade away, and realized what he said might’ve come across wrong. Quickly he added, “ Would you mind explaining some of it too me love?”. Watching your smile form again made him just as happy, although he kept that to himself.

You got so excited, “ Are you sure?! I don’t want to bore you and-”. Loki laughed lightly knowing that was something you could never do. Holding your gaze he said, “ I find your passion for things quite intriguing darling”.

His words sent shivers down your spine, especially when he called you things like “love” or “darling”. Smiling you asked, “Usual place and usual time or for once will you actually get some sleep?”.

Loki laughed at your little joke, a smile forming upon his own lips. Before turning to exit the kitchen he said, “ I was thinking my room would be better, that way I can finally share one of my favorites with you”.

You nodded your head, way too excited for words to form. Once again he smirked, the effect he had over you was so thrilling for him. With that, he was gone, off to wander the halls until you’d find him later.

As you turned around you saw both Steve and Bucky smirking again. Steve smiled, “Usual place..usual time?”. You mentally slapped yourself for letting them hear that.

Bucky raised his eyebrows suggestively, “ Oh no Steve, he wants to show her something in his room maybe his-”. Once again Steve slapped Bucky behind the head, not wanting this teasing to make you feel too uncomfortable.

Bucky nodded his head, “Okay that time I wasn’t going to say scepter”. This caused you and Steve to crack up laughing. Steve’s expression softened, “I think he really cares for you (y/n) I mean have you ever seen him be that inviting with any of us?”.

Steve had a valid point, it did take a lot for Loki to open up. Thinking out loud you said, “Maybe Thor is right…”. Both men looked to each other, and then back at you. Bucky’s eyes widened, “ Doll don’t tell me HIS OWN BROTHER said he had feelings for you!!”.

You hushed Bucky, not wanting the rest of the group to hear what you’d been talking about. Steve spoke up, “If Thor said something to you (y/n) then it has to be true..he knows his brother better than anyone”.

You started to blush finding yourself finally seeing the truth in Thor’s words. Looking up you said, “Okay maybe Thor has mentioned it a couple times but-”. Bucky’s jaw dropped, and Steve was just as shocked.

Bucky looked at you, “ But what?! Please don’t tell me it’s what I think it is..”. You avoided his gaze, letting him know what he was thinking was right. Steve knew what it was too, “You have no reason to be insecure (y/n), you’re one of the most incredible women I know”.

Bucky walked over to you, taking your hand in his. He made you do a spin, “ You’re a bombshell doll, start to believe it”. Once again you found yourself smiling and thanking the universe for putting these people into your life.

Steve added, “ We love you and we wouldn’t lie to you, you have NO reason to be the slightest bit insecure...you don’t realize the way he looks at you”. You were confused, and raised an eyebrow.

Bucky rolled his eyes, “ Doll the way he smirks at you is sinful, I only know because I’ve been known to give a couple special women that look myself”. Rolling your eyes you ignored the second part of his comment.

He continued, “ I know desire (y/n), and it’s in his eyes everytime he looks at you”. This many of your closest friends wouldn’t give you false confidence, so what they were saying had to be true.

Smiling you said, “ I love you guys, and I promise I’ll judge your contest later, I have to go get ready”. Bucky cheered while Steve stood there with a look of happiness all over his face. Finally his best friend was going to get the love she deserved.

You quickly left the room which meant you couldn’t see the stares the rest of the room had given Bucky from his cheering. Clint casually said, “ Is (y/n) finally going to make a move on Horns?”.

Bucky nodded his head to which Nat responded with, “ Finally...by the way Stark you owe me $20”. Tony grumbled but handed Natasha the money, causing the room to look at her confusingly.

She smirked, “ What? Tony said it would take (y/n) another month, and I guessed it would be by the end of this week”.  Steve gave Nat his best, “disappointed dad” look.

Sam grinned, “ Look the money was going towards a good cause, and Barnes you owe me $15”. Steve looked to his best friend, who pulled out the money from his pocket. Shocked Steve asked, “ You too?”.

Bucky shrugged his shoulders, “ Hey at the end of the day (y/n)’s the one getting laid, so who cares”. Steve pinched the bridge of his nose, god his friends were idiots...but their good intentions made up for it.

After the kitchen you went directly to your room, wanting to quickly get ready to meet with Loki later. You weren’t going crazy, not even wearing makeup, but you did wanna freshen up.

Before you’d shower you wanted to pick out your clothes for meeting him. You knew green was his favorite color, and man did you have a surprise for him. Nat had insisted you’d buy this dark green bra and panty set.

It was a mixture of green lace patterns and see through mesh. The underwear were high-waisted, but the see through mesh showed a lot of skin tastefully. It showed off your curves beautifully.

You decided that for clothes you would go the simple route. A pair of leggings and a white off the shoulder top, simple but beautiful. You wore your favorite necklace, it had been a gift from Steve.

Surprisingly it was a gold choker with about five stars that dangeled. You loved that he had taken the time to pick it out, giving you proof that chivalry wasn’t dead. Of course feetwise you’d only be wearing a pair of your favorite fuzzy socks.

Loki always found them amusing from the first night he saw you wandering the halls wearing them. You’d had a cup of tea in one hand, and a book in the other. Your hair had been tied up, but strands still covered your face.

He loved how disheveled you look, truth be told his mind drifted immediately. When you noticed him you smiled, “ Can’t sleep either?”.

Loki never forgot how you weren’t scared of him, or cold, like everyone else had been. You were kind and inviting, something he wasn’t used to. Smiling he answered, “ I’m afraid I never get much sleep love”.

Raising a brow you asked, “ Why is that?”. You seemed so concerned for him, something else he hadn’t expected. Walking closer to you he pointed to his head, “ Nightmares, strange how no bit of magic can seem to cure them”.

You stepped closer to him as well, “ Well I’m guessing wandering around alone at night doesn’t help...I always need to be with someone when I get them”. His expression softened, was this an offer?

You added, “ Buck’s the same way...total cuddler...but don’t let him know I told you he’d kill me”. Loki laughed softly, you were already so trusting. He said, “ Well that must make you a good lover”.

You snorted...lover that was a hilarious idea. He looked confused so you explained, “Bucky’s one of my best friends..I love him but not like that”. As you spoke you found yourself walking closer to him.

He raised an eyebrow, “Are there that many types of love for you Midgardians?”. That was when you remembered how tough Loki’s life had been, you doubted he knew any type of love.

Smiling you said, “If you’re one of us there is...and you seem to be working on it”. As he listened to you a smile formed upon his lips. Talking to you was like a breath of fresh air.

You added, “ If you ever want to wander the halls together I wouldn’t mind”. You never understood how you were so daring, but maybe it had to do with the fact that it was the middle of the night.

Loki smiled again, “ I’ll have to take you up on that offer, but I can tell that tonight you desire sleep”. You were extremely tired, and talking to him had calmed your nerves. With a glimmer in your eyes you responded with, “ You better be serious Loki”.

He laughed lightly, “ I shall come find you tomorrow night love, I promise”. To some a promise from the God of Mischief probably meant nothing, but you trusted him. Smirking you said, “ And if you break it I’m afraid you’ll be too dead for sleep anyways”.

You parted your separate ways, but not before seeing a smirk form upon his lips. Loki thought to himself, “ Oh this one shall be fun”. That was the start of whatever was currently happening between you both.

After laying out your clothes you jumped into the shower. The warm water felt wonderful on your skin, calming any nerves you had. You lathered yourself up with your favorite body wash; a mixture of lavender and lilac.

You made sure that every part of your body was freshly shaven and soft. Your hair looked extremely silky and smelt heavenly. This all made you feel extremely beautiful.

By the time you were actually ready an over hour had passed. As you looked at yourself in the mirror you smiled, being you was good enough. For once, you confidently made your way towards Loki’s room.

So many thoughts filled your head that you’d become distracted. While turning the corner you knocked into a very strong body, as you looked up you realized it was Thor. With ease he lifted you up, “ Sorry (y/n), you seem quite distracted though..”.

He took in your appearance and smiled when he noticed your socks. Smirking he asked, “Going to find my brother are you?”. You blushed wondering how he’d known, what could’ve given it away?

With a hearty laugh he explained, “My brother had mentioned his love for your...fuzzy socks?”. Looking down at your feet you smiled, and Thor realized he had gotten the work right. He added, “ Steve also told me of your encounter earlier in the kitchen”.

Looking up at Thor you smiled, “Loki said he wanted to share one of his favorite books with me”. Thor’s smile only grew, that was a big thing for his brother. Quickly you added, “I finally trust what you’ve been telling me Thor..that he cares for me”.

His eyes lit up when he realized what you’d said. Taking your hand in his he said, “ It warms me to know that you finally see your true self”. You hugged Thor, and smiled when he wrapped his arms around you.

Softly you said, “ Thank you for not giving up on me”. Thor only hugged you tighter, wanting his love to be known. When he let you go he said one last thing, “Thank you for not giving up on my brother”.

You continued to make your way towards Loki’s room, your heart now filled with love. You knocked on the door to which Loki said, “ Come in love”. Loki’s room was not what you’d thought it would be.

It was extremely simple, the more extravagant things being his extensive bookshelf, and overlook of the city. Instantly you walked over to the huge window, staring out into the night.

You would’ve forgotten where you were had he not come up behind you, “ Beautiful isn’t it?”. As you turned your head you realized he was standing directly next to you, shoulders touching.

He continued, “ I didn’t expect to find it so enchanting, but there’s so much more complexity here than Asgard”. You’d never been to Asgard, but from what Thor had told you it seemed beautiful.

Reading your mind he said, “Asgard is beautiful, but Midgard is so free..people aren’t just confined to one single planet”. You’d never thought of it like that, the only people to travel in Asgard had to be high authority.

Turning to him you said, “ I guess my escape is reading, which I’m guessing you share”. As he looked at you, he smiled again. He walked over to his bookshelf, “ When I was confined to my cell reading kept me sane...as sane as I could be”.

You followed him, “ I can’t imagine the toll that must’ve had on you Loki..”. No one had ever had that reaction, no one had ever considered his burdens. His fingers skimmed the books before finding the one he wanted.

Still not facing you he said, “ The price to pay for the crimes I’ve committed I assume”. When he finally turned around to look at you, immediately you saw the hurt in his eyes.

Walking closer to him you said, “ To live your entire life feeling like there was this part of you that made you not belong is an awful thing to go through”. His lips parted, but no words came out.

You continued, “Not to overstep my boundaries, but I don’t agree with a lot of things the All-father has done. He should’ve never hid the truth from you, or pin you against Thor, it shouldn’t be the case that only one can rule...but despite all this Loki I don’t think you’ve become an awful person”.

He thought he might drop the book he’d been holding, no one had ever spoken to him like this. It was like you were reading his thoughts, looking at what hurt him the most.

For once Loki struggled to find words, “ I didn’t think anyone could look past the awful things I’ve done”. Without even realizing he’d been walking towards you.

Holding his gaze you said, “You’ve made mistakes, but that doesn’t mean you should be condemned for them...people can always grow”. You shared such a unique perspective on life, and he now saw why Thor liked you so much.

Laughing softly he said, “If only others shared the same outlook that you do...the world would be different”. By now you were only a foot or so from each other, the closest you’d ever been.

Loki noticed you biting your lip, “ What is troubling you (y/n)?”. You had heard that Loki had a true form and you often wondered what it looked like. You didn’t want to make him uncomfortable.

Taking a step closer to him you asked, “I don’t want to make you uncomfortable Loki, but I’ve often wondered what your true form looks like..if you don’t want to show me I won’t be hurt”.

From everything you’d been through, he trusted you. He took your hands in his, their coolness refreshing. Loki softly said, “ Close your eyes love”. No matter how much he trusted you, he was scared you wouldn’t like his true form.

A moment later he asked you to open your eyes, and you were mesmerized. His skin was a beautiful dark blue with light blue patterns all over it, his eyes a deep shade of red.

Instinctually you started to trace the pattern on his neck, and blushed when you realized what you’d done. Blushing you said, “I’m sorry..it’s just...your skin is so beautiful..”. His jaw dropped, beautiful?

Raising an eyebrow he asked, “ You don’t find me frightening?”.  You couldn’t help but giggle, how could he be frightening? Smiling you said, “ Loki that’s the last thing I’d ever think of you”.

You watched him process your words, seeing him smile when he finally trusted them. You added, “ If you felt comfortable enough you could remain in your true form every time you’re around me”.

His smile grew, “You are the most beautiful woman I have ever known (y/n)”. Holding his gaze was too much, so you turned your head to the side. He placed two fingers under your chin, turning you head to him.

Now that you held his gaze he said, “I care deeply for you (y/n) and now I know you feel the same”. You wanted to faint, he admitted his feelings for you. You no longer felt nervous, you were ready.

Placing a hand on his chest you said, “ I love you Loki, for who you are”. He moved his hands to rest on your hips, bringing your body closer to his. Leaning forward he kissed you passionately, his grip on your hips pressing your body into his.

You eased into the kiss, moving on hand to grip his hair on the back of his neck. Just as soon as it had started Loki stopped it, “ I didn’t mean to be so forward love...I just-”.

Smirking you asked, “ I thought the god of Mischief always took what he wanted”. You watched his lips shift into a smirk, and there was a different look in his eyes.

Loki looked at you like you a predator looks at prey, and it made you core ache. His voice was low, “Are you teasing me my pet?”. The way his words rolled off his tongue made you want to moan.

He began to kiss slowly up your neck, taking his time. Loki wanted to leave his mark on you, let the world know he loved you and you were his. He began to nibble on the area below your ear, “I do love you (y/n)”.

Loki began to kiss back down your neck, “ I love the way your breath hitches when I find the slightest ways to touch you..the way your eyes seem to beg me to claim you as mine..is that what you want darling?”.  

By now Loki had picked you up, carrying you to his bed. He laid you on your back, and hovered over you by propping himself up with his elbow.

Loki helped you take off your shirt, “Do you want everyone to know that you are mine? That those pretty noises coming out from your lips are my doing?”. You were already so needy, and he had barely been touching you.

When Loki noticed what you’d been wearing under your clothes he groaned loudly, licking his lips. His smirk was sinful, “You shall be the death of me love”. You sat there, anticipation stopping you from saying anything else.

Loki snapped his fingers, “ Normally I’d love to rip your clothes off of you, but I’m afraid you’ve made me very impatient”. Not only were you left in your undergarments, but Loki was now only left in his.

The light blue patterns continued all over his chest and legs, and you were mesmerized. Bringing a hand to his chest you traced the patterns once again, and for a moment love replaced the lust in his eyes.

Loki couldn’t contain himself anymore, he picked you up once again making you straddle him. His back pressed against the headboard, and his hands on your hips. Looking down at him you said, “I think I can work with impatience”.

Once again he brought his lips to yours, kissing you fervorously. You couldn’t help but grind yourself against him, causing him to moan throughout the kiss.

Loki moved his hands to undo your bra, letting it fall slowly off your body. Without hesitation he brought his mouth to suck on one breast, his hand massaging the other.

He teased your sensitive nipples by dragging them lightly between his teeth, and then flicking them with his tongue. Moaning you begged, “ Loki please I need more”.

He moved his free hand down to tease your clit through the fabric of your panties, his cold fingers an amazing contrast to the heat of your area. Loki moaned realizing how wet you were, “These are soaked darling, such a good little girl”.

You began to grind yourself against his fingers, needing any sort of friction. Loki laughed softly, “So needy for me”. With a snap of his fingers nothing separated your bodies anymore.

He teased you further by rubbing circles around your clit, his cold fingers sending shivers down your spine. Moaning loudly you said, “That feels...so..good”.

Had your eyes not been closed you would’ve seen his smirk, “ Perks of being a Frost Giant darling”. The coldness seemed to tease you more, and you’d never felt anything like it.

It made you so needy, “ Please Loki I-”. He stopped what he was doing with his hand, and you finally felt his hard member pressing against you.

Loki smirked when he saw you taking in his size, “That’s just a perk of being me love”. So Bucky was right...he did have a huge...scepter. Everything about the man was amazing.

You brought your hand down to slowly pump him, “ What happened to impatience love”. Loki smiled hearing you tease him, mocking his tone.

You moved your body down, your face inches from his member. No sly comment left his lips, he needed you just as badly as you needed him. Slowly you licked up his member, watching his pupils dilate.

When you got to his tip you flicked your tongue over it causing his breath to hitch. Finally you took him into your mouth, taking as much as you could. Loki moaned loudly feeling himself hit the back of your throat.

To his dismay you changed positions. Now you moved your mouth to lick the underneath of his balls, knowing that it was a very sensitive area. Loki moaned, his eyes rolling into the back of his head.

It was your turn to smirk sinfully, and it felt good. You moved to take him into your mouth again but Loki pulled your body up. His voice was needy, “If you do that again this will be over before it has begun”.

With one hand Loki slowly pressed himself up and down your slit, “And it’s much more pleasurable this way”. His eyes seemed to search yours for any remaining doubts, he didn’t want to rush you.

You took his face in both your hands, “Loki I am yours”. That was all he needed to hear, slowly he inserted himself inside of you. Your walls stretched around him, causing you both to moan.

You started to bounce up and down, loving the feeling of him going in and out of you. Loki moved his hands to your hips again, guiding you. He moved you forward and backward, riding him.

In between thrusts he said, “You look so beautiful like this (y/n)”. With your hands holding onto his shoulders you leaned forward, letting him go deeper inside of you. With each thrust he was hitting your g-spot.

This angel gave him the perfect opportunity to suck your breasts again, giving you even more pleasure. The chill of his mouth against your hot skin made your pleasure only intensify.

Together your bodies moved as one, needing each other badly. This was all becoming too much, “Loki I’m so close”. You felt yourself right on the edge.

Loki was panting, “Tell me whose you are love”. You didn’t know if you could even speak right now, you only seemed to be able to moan. Picking up the pace Loki repeated himself, “Let everyone know who’s making you feel this good”.

Loudly you screamed, “Loki...you are Loki...fuck”. Somehow he went even deeper and faster, and you knew you couldn’t hold back. Loki nearly growled, “Cum for me (y/n) cum for me right now”.

His words pushed you over the edge, your orgasm now washing over you. It felt like a tsunami that started at your core and caused wave after wave of pleasure to crash throughout your body.

All you could do was moan his name, you were screaming it out. As Loki felt your walls clench around him, he was pushed over the edge. He’d never felt anything like this before, it was so intense.

Loki came just as hard, yelling out your name. Together you rode out your orgasms, wanting this feeling to last forever. Neither of you had felt something this good.

When Loki finally opened his eyes and saw how disheveled you looked he found his heart swelling with love again. Looking deeply into your eyes he said, “I love you so deeply (y/n) and as long as I live you shall be mine and I yours”.

This time when you brought your lips to his the kiss was slow, as if you both wanted to remember this moment forever. You felt him smile against your lips, and you laughed softly.

You rested on top of his chest as he asked, “What is so amusing darling?”. You looked up into his eyes again, he was still in his true form. Smiling you said, “ I just can’t believe how lucky I am to have you Loki”.

He kissed your forehead softly, “And I the same”. For once Loki felt at peace enough to finally get some rest, the rise and fall of your chest calming him.

He closed his eyes, shocked when only good thoughts crossed his mind. Although magic couldn’t fix his nightmares, maybe your love had been the answer. Loki fell fast asleep, not questioning it further.

♡ thank you for taking the time to read this, you’re a babe♡

Forever tags: aka some amazing people: @moonlessnight14 @sexyvixen7 @angieptt​ @painkiller80 @becca-dolan @team-heichou @thatpeachybandgirl​ @allthesesonsobitches @buckybarneshairpullingkink @couldabeenamermaid​ @taeeemin@littleredstarfish @nali67​ @only4wakingup​ @mcenziehughes​

*if there is a line through your name that means that for some reason it won’t allow me to tag you*

*forever tags are always open*

[stimmypaw]

Stimmypaw reads Darkest Night! The fourth text post!

Back with these uh live reading comments! Remember those? yeah! I'm on the fourth book of Warrior Cats: A Vision of Shadows :D I read The Apprentice's Quest and Thunder and Shadow and Shattered Sky and now!! I'm here :D and boy did I have a time. Click read more to see it!

NEEDLETAIL?????????

Needletail???????????

What?????

OH???????

Wh THIS GUY IS TALKIN 2 DEAD PEOPLE????

HOW WHO IS THAT

OH MY GOD

These guys are weak and dumb skyclan is epic and sharing the territory with them is good, but of course sparkpelt isn't dealing well with change wink wink nudge wink nudge nudge huh???? (this is a nod to how I project into her and say shes autistic)

I am getting anxious for tinycloud SERIOUSLY how much longer until those kits??? Everyday you show up and its WOW my tummy ssure is HUGE AND BULGING I just Wonder Oh When They'll Be Born, probably pretty soon!!! :) and then they arent!!!! Birth dammit!!!

Cherryfall cut the sick and hurt cats some slack jeez youre Fine, youre not feeding half the forest and you have THREE medicine cats ready to help you if youre not feeling well

Bastard Cherryfall I hate you /lh

Dovewing and Tigerheart have relationship drama again. What is UP with those two I simply do not understand them

Watching Bramblestar trying to control this bizarre situation is actually funny he is so close to screaming "PLEASE dont be mad :c"

SOON WHEN???? JUST KIT THOSE KITTENS DAMMIT

Get her, Alderheart

They LITERALLY said something about sharing the territory, they were like "Stars have five points baby and we need those 5 clans togetherrrr" what else do these cats want??? I know its a big change but its necessary

Wait everyone shut up that cat is named Podlight this is so important to me

Dang these cats are really still struggling :c I wish they didnt blame each other

Harestar is so cool

What the FUCK mistystar????

God what a disaster of a gathering Starclan is gonna be so pissed everyone is doing the opposite of what they should

I was holding my breath oof

I hope thunderclan gives some territory too thats too small a space for Skyclan

Oh boy oh boy oh boy i am Anxious for these Kitties

Violetpaw is me having nightmares every night

Macgyver is a heavily gringue name and I have No Clue how to say it how the hell do you say it

Update its either Mick Guyver or Mac Guyver apparently

Its fun to see how different the sisters are from one another, I love them both

I also love their mom with the name identical to puddleshine wish I got to meet her

IM CRYING BRO........M...MDB.....NFBANN.....VIOLETPAW BELONGS MY DARLING MY DAUGHTER

Sadly Twigpaw is for gender binarism 😔 /j

Twigpaw is often in her thoughts and doesn't pay attention to anything around her and I love her for that

Bad news Finpaw is gonna lose his tail, good news I can draw his tail fin-shaped

Puddleshine surgeon moment!!!

I love Graystripe and Millie

And I love that being flirty is a part of Sparkpelt's personality, I don't know what Alderheart is talking about she's always been dandelion-headed

Ok this is epic, I’m glad we’re breaking gender roles in Warrior Cats my heart dropped when the books called Briarlight cr*ppled, that’s the thing they promised not to do anymore recently right? I’m not sure but, I could use some uh less ableism on my Warrior Cats, the series is old but the newer books should be better, so yeah, good modernize these cats babyyy

OH COOL Skyclan journey!!! Fun I hope they find someone :] also fuck Molewhisker and Cherryfall bastards.

Jayfeather is gonna miss Alderheart too much for him to leave hehehe

ALL of Starclan showed up just to call out Riverclan pahahah

oooo is shadowclan haunted?????

FINALLY TINYCLOUD IS KITTING YES GOD YES GO QUEEN GOOOO!!!!

I wonder why Twigpaw wants to stay behind, there has to be more than just the camp stuff

"I wish I were more positive like Twigpaw, but at least I'm just as scarred by the death of my loved ones as my dad :] I like being like him"

Violetpaw witnesses a car crash 😔 that was a bit messy what happened to those cars also why the hell was one of them smaller was it a bike??? Or ???? Idk what's up with it!!!

Needletail just happens to have slow-down turned on for her on the discord chat so she can only say like a few words each hour :/ why the hell is she here tho Violetpaw needs to get OVER your death!!!!

This short exchange has made me love Dewpaw

Also, I love Twigpaw, I still wonder why she stayed behind tho

Ahh, is it cus she feels too estranged from her family :c ? I wish her mom was around maybe that would help

Jee Twigpaw be a tad more empathic, I can see Twigpaw struggles with that sometimes

You can't cheer him up right now he's grieving, just find him on common ground, talk to him, don't try to make him happy just try to keep him company

Oh wow finpaw that's a dangerous thing to say I hope Twigpaw doesn't crumble under the pressure to never be sad because people like her because she's happy and her being sad would be bad

ALSO I JUST REMMEMBRERD UH TWIGPAW MENTIONED BRIARLIGHT BUT BERRYNOSE IS RIGHT THERE???? HE IS RIGHT HE DIDNT DIE OFF SCREEN IM SURE OF IT WAIY

BERRYNOSS IS RIGHT THERE I CHDCKED!!!! HE LOST HIS TAIL TOO AND HES A GREAT WARRIOR, TWIGPAW!!!! YOU SHOULD HAVE MENTIONED IT ITS MORE RELATABLE

Okay I'm glad they're getting along this is nice

Oh look twigpaw you Are like your father :] this is cute

Skyclan begins to fish competitively I'm glad

I like it when medicine cats bicker about their leader's behaviors ehheheh, Jayfeather talking about how weak Shadowclan is, Alderheart being annoyed at his father for wanting to stay silent, the others worried about the tensions this is all cheff the kisser

Jayfeather spitting the truths about how Starclan doesn't know shit, and he is very much one to speak

Puddleshine: Rowanstar stepped up the patrols :c

Leadstar: He has warriors enough for that?? Damn good for him

Dang poor Skyclan I hope they manage stuff better soon

Oooo the girls are fighting!!!

Alderheart starclan anxiety time dang

Sheep :]

Needletail :[

I'm sad Ravenpaw isn't here, this is a lovely reunion scene but knowing Barley will be alone when they all leave breaks my heart

Oh, maybe not, but if they stay I'll be sad also cus Skyclan needs its warriors

Aw man, Twigpaw is struggling :c

OUCH

I WANT SKYCLAN 2 SWIM THO......

Omg crimes

That sounds kinda possessive twigpaw!

DOVEWING?????

T

WhHAHAGAHAHA WHERE DID THAT COME FROM

omg tigerstar 2 real

Whats he gonna do to rowanstar???

ALRIGHT THATA OVER THEN PAHAHA

Aw, I'm glad they're having fun tho, and that twigpaw sees herself as skyclan

Alderheart, as he meets someone for the first time in a while: ARE YOU OKAY???

Blackstar protagonist moment

The medicine cats: our gods are toying with us again and destiny is uncertain

Leaders: I cannot DO this right now PLEASE leave and let me care for The Real Issues

Alderheart: YOU WILL hang out at my house Willowshine this isn't up for debate

Riverclan suffered enough and it's their turn to throw a tantrum about it, honestly good for them hsghahah

Alderheart asks his father to go on a quest to check people's feet

WHAT THR HELL IS A CANTANKEROUS

Alderheart and Willowpelt sitting there watching Shadowclan fight

This is really funny

HEWWO????

Puddleshine, in his eyes: help help

I love Skyclan

Ok this sounds like it's gonna be very very fun

Mission impossible: Escape From São Paulo

Oh, is Fallowfern deaf? That's so poggers omg I wanna see more of her

Edit: fallowfern is an elder that lost her hearing with age and retired after that happened :/ boring

I love leafstar so much

Juniperclaw: aren't you gonna punish her????

Leafstar: why

Juniperclaw: when I tell rowanstar he's gonna be pissed

Leafstar: don't tell him

Juniperclaw: the fuck is wrong with you and your clan??? Where is everyone???????

Leafstar: busy

Icon

I don't trust abled people specially able-bodied people telling disabled people they just have to train harder and feeling sorry for yourself won't help.

But this is the closest to a positive message to disabled people we have ever had in warriors so I guess I'll take it but I want better

IVYPOOL!!!💖💖💖💖💕

Dang ivypool what a way to show someone you miss them hahaha

Twigpaw: uhhhh how's dovewing?

Ivypool: what do you mean did she do something illegal I'm sure she did

Ivypool is a seriously funny character WHY are you yelling at the young adult about your sisters illegal activities she doesn't know anything about it!!!!

Alderheart goes on an adventure

Feet inspector on the road!!!!

Jasper is so funny I love him

Omg what's he got against clan cats??? What's his sad backstory????

YEESSSS SPARKPELT MY LOVE 💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💕💕💕💕💕💕💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💕💕💕

Sparkpelt your opinion sucks but I love you

I'm really really glad they had this moment this is really sweet, they hadn't talked for a while but this is genuine like, we hadn't had this sort of relationship in so long in the books with just, dialogue yknow??? THEYRE TALKING ABOUT THINGS

And the pause Sparkpelt takes between her speaking to fix what she's saying "I'm sorry for saving you :c no wait uhh not exactly but like" this is so good so natural so fun I love you sparkpelt

I get why she has a diferent opinion on Skyclan it's good for someone close to Alderheart to have a different mindset from him and for him to have someone like uh be opposites from him a lil yknow contrats his characteristics makes both siblings fun round and full of kitty do you get what I'm saying???

I love this

I love Sparkpelt, love her lil anxious moments, love her, love that she just wants to fool around with toms and enjoys Larksong but doesn't want to get serious you go girl

They wanted to write smart-ass they wanted to write smart-ass so bad

They're doing this in the rain?????

I'm quite certain Violetpaw is a young adult by this point its valid for her to go

Wh why did you let your cat out in the rain dude!!! When it comes back it's gonna dirty up the whole place it's wet out there!!!! And the cold is gonna get in the house!!!!!!!

I WAS HOLDING MY BREATH OH LORD

That was SO INTENSE AND SO FUNNY AND SO MUCH, IM SO GLAD SHE MADE IT I GOT SCARED

Oh this is so epic

That moment when your cat nearly dies and then it runs off and you go after it and then a bunch of other cats show up and start running with it

I hope Twigpaw can see the others soon

Glad to see her keeping her medicine cat knowledge ehehehe

???????

Sandynose I hate you you are so abled

Sandynose: I don't want my son to feel distanced from his peers so I'm distancing him from his peers

DOVEWING???

SANDYNOSE SHUT UP IM GOING TO KILL YOU ANS MURDER YOU

I'm so upset with Sandynose WHY isn't leafstar seeing this WHY DOESNG ANYONE SEE THIS SOMSONE PLEASE CONFORT AND LOVE MY CHILD TWIGPAW DOESNT DESERVE THIS

Angry sad upset why

Piscina

Thanks graystripe

Ok who's dying this time

Ok no one just a background cat got hurt he will survive otherwise it would be relevant

This was intense though what will happen now???

YES FINALLY

Oh this is lovely so good they're here!!! The rest of skyclan has arrived and we are all happy together

That dream felt good

NEEDLETAIL??? AGAIN

Where were you at!!!!

What!!!

Check this man's feet how many toes are there this could be good

What

Hegshahwha what the fuck is up with this guy

Okay I like him

Ohhh THATS tree

Change your name if you don't like it you sound trans already

Yeah nothing makes one smarter like dying

This is very fun I'm excited for more of whatever happening

Twigpaw :c

HIS SNIFFLES

Oh no

Hhhhnn I want Twigpaw to be happy so bad, I hate seeing her struggles

Sandynose you are so evil and very detested by me

You can and you SHOULD feel angry at Sandynose he SUCKS and he is being needlessly mean at you!!!!! There are much better ways to bring up the possibility that maybe you'd be happier with thunderclan!!! Fuck off Sandynose

Oh so Snowbush hasn't improved, maybe he will die?

Poor Alderheart

Oh fuck there he goes

Yeah

Aw man, rip to the background cat

That was a heavy death too

Aw, I was hoping the rest of Skyclan would show up before the gathering, maybe just after it???

I wonder what's going on in Shadowclan

TIGERHEARTS MISSING HUH???

The couple was kidnapped

HUH????

Oh my lord oh fuck

Can't anyone step up to lead why do they depend on Tigerheart so much???

Jesus christ

Alderheart kills his gods

This is so chaotic and funny I'm worried as hell for shadowclan but excited a lot is happening

HI TREE AGSGAHAH

Tawnypelt >:(

Puddleshine: WAIT DONT KICK HIM OUT, CHECK OUT HIS FREAKY FEET INSTEAD

Oh dear

Twigpaw :c

TWIGPAW :CCCC Man rememebr when I said I hope Twigpaw doesn't crumble under the pressure of being happy for others? yeah

GET OUT SANDYNOSE I DONT CARE YOURE BEING REASOMABLE FOR ONCE YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN LATER

:C

I'm so heartbroken for them

Uh pdhsgahab okay then

Bye finpaw

Wow that was easy for him

This is fun

I'm still sad as hell

Okay there's a lot going on right now wow

The owl scene was funny as hell to picture, this dramatic prophetic moment and the cats just "uuggh is that a prophecy??? Nooo"

Okay so

There's some shadowclan cats missing, considering the many sleekwhisker maps I'm sure she's up to no good but I have no clue what happened to the others and I hope they're okay

Wow! That was really something

Fantastic ending to a very good book its, definitely a different energy from the third but I'm really enjoying this I'm still excited as hell!!! I got worried things would get kinda bad from here but nope!!!! Very fun stuff for now this is very very good and I am enjoying it

This is definitely one of the most fun arcs I've read so far!!! The drama the stakes the little moments everything is tying together really well into a very fun story I'm enjoying a lot!

I worry for Twigpaw and hope for her happiness, and Violetshine too, hope her and Hawkwing deal well with missing her. Tree is being interesting. Alderheart wasn't much of a focus here but always fun to see him trying to solve the damn prophecy no leaders seem to care about. Mousewhisker was okay??? Lots of very fantastic turns for all events and uh let's see where this all goes next!!!

[dearanemone]

Omg the song asks is literally made for you. 5,6,8,9,10 or 11! And while you’re at it, please do rec me some new music?? 🥰😘

!!!!!! so many!!!! I love you!!!!! so mochi!!!!!!!!!

anything about music gets me to *heavy breathimg* and *screaming bird* because la PASIÓN. ❤ ❤ ❤ tysm my dear.

Q from this post.

5. a song you can relate to

Right now I’m getting strong mari vibes from Hate Myself by dodie.

Oh, so illogical, I'm not magical, I can't read your mind / But how can you not hear the whole conversation? / I have, sitting still with a brain on fire / I know, it's a me-thing / Eyes closed - isn't helping? / When you go quiet, I hate myself

The brain on fire bit got me hard.

❤ ❤ ❤

6.  a song that reminds you of your favorite book

Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush reminds me of Wuthering Heights more than the actual song inspired by the book does lol. It also reminds me of Linger a lot. ;eye-moji;

You don't want to hurt me / But see how deep the bullet lies / Unaware I'm tearing you asunder / Oh, there is thunder in our hearts / Is there so much hate for the ones we love? / Tell me, we both matter, don't we?

(My fav part is when she goes ‘Come on angel, come on darling, let me steal this moment from you now. Come on angel, come on, come on darling, let’s exchange the experience’)

and

I have one three for Captive Prince too. Exeunt by The Oh Hellos make me think of the storyline between the end of Book I and Book II.

Now, I am not the fool I was when I was younger / Crocodile eyes, I have seen how you hunger / Fluttering your lashes, like ashes and embers / Warm and bright as fire devouring timber / No, I cannot trust what you say when you're grieving / So, my love, I'm sorry, but still: I am leaving

Then we have Thus Always to Tyrants which I always imagined playing during  the last part of Book III, when the Regent is beheaded and everything is chaotic.

Where I go, will you still follow? / Will you leave your shaded hollow? / Will you greet the daylight looming, / Learn to love without consuming?

Lastly, there is Dear Wormwood, but that makes me think of Laurent’s life and character development. (and a bit of myself, too)

There before the threshold / I saw a brighter world beyond myself / And in my hour of weakness / You were there to see my courage fail / For the years have been long / And you have taught me well to sit and wait / Planning without acting / Steadily becoming what I hate

ok I let myself go with this one, I’M SORRY.

❤ ❤ ❤ 

8. the best song from your favorite album

This is not fair. I have so many favourite albums. One of my favs from 2020 was SAWAYAMA by Rina Sawayama. Top 1 song (for me, at least) is Bad Friend (and boy does it remind me of Linger!Nicaise)  It’s so poppy and has that sort of cyberpunk retro feeling with the synths in the background almost competing with Rina’s high notes. It’s SO good.

I'm so good at crashing in / Making sparks and shit but then / I'm a bad, I'm a bad, I'm a bad friend / So don't ask me where I've been / Been avoiding everything / 'Cause I'm a bad, I'm a bad, I'm a bad friend

❤ ❤ ❤ 

9. a song that makes you want to cry

All good songs make me want to cry. Sometimes I listen to a song so good I feel like I’m going to burst into tears or throw up or both just because I get this feeling at the bottom of my stomach. A mix of excitement and admiration and awe and unaltered, raw love.

There is one, though. And maybe you’ll recognize it from the soundtrack of The Disappearance of Eleanor Rigby (!!!!) and also the soundtrack of How to Get Away with Murder. It’s No Fate Awaits Me by Son Lux and Faux Fix. I can’t even begin to explain the goosebumps. The build up of the freaking string section???????????? GOD, JUST STAB ME.

So, no fate awaits me (Without you, without you, without you)

❤ ❤ ❤ 

10. a song that makes you feel young

The Adults Are Talking by The Strokes.

They will blame us, crucify and shame us / We can't help it if we are a problem

❤ ❤ ❤ 

Last but not least,

11. a song that means a lot to you

I Couldn’t Be More In Love by The 1975.

I could've been a great line, I could've been a sign / Overstayed my time, say what's on your mind / Maybe I'll rely on all the things that I did right / Because I'd give you all the years of my life

It takes me back to long, lonely winters spent going back and forth with the metro in Budapest. I was so miserable, and I kept thinking, ‘But what about how I feel? What about my happiness? What about everything I’ve done and everything I continue to give? Is it all for nothing?’

❤ ❤ ❤

It was SO HARD to choose songs for this and I’m so sorry it came out to be so long. Please please please listen to all the songs I mentioned and I’d be more than happy to even send you MORE songs ;evil-laughter;

Much love to you, my darling.

[queerchoicesblog]

A Few Words On Pride Month 2020

So, pride month has come at last. No matter how crazy it sounds right now as we're experiencing first-hand one of those events that will end up in history handbooks one day.

I'll be honest, it's quite difficult for me to talk about it now when everything that is not Mrs Rhona releted seems so well less relevant than it was before. But I want to share a few words that most likely nobody will read but I'll let them flow anyway.

I watch that video every single year during pride month. It's from a series I liked quite a lot back then, it's called Sense8. The character speaking is a trans woman, an lgbtq+ hacktivist, reminiscing her disastrous relationship with her transphobic mother yet finding strength in her own sorrow. There is a passage I love:

Today I'm marching to remember that I'm not just a me

But I'm also a we

And we march with pride

These words resonate with me: they summarise perfectly the deep empathy and acceptance that I feel should make us stick together. Both inside the lgbtqa+ community and as human beings: "I am a human being, and thus nothing human is alien to me". I'm quoting by heart a Latin playwright named Terentius (Terence in English, I guess?) so forgive me if I got something wrong but what I mean is...we should all care about each other because no matter our differences, our sexuality or color of skin or class, we are human. We are brothers and sisters: I'm an only child but I believe that the definition of a healthy family is one where people overcome differences that don't truly matter in the end, they don't define us as worthy or unworthy of love and respect which should always be given to another human being.

Unless there are valid reasons not to.

As the latest happenings in the world have shown, a hard truth we all know has been reinforced: we live in a cruel, unfair world where, as Nomi said, "hating isn't a sin on that list and neither is shame". A world where people get hurt or killed for reasons which can be hardly called a motive for violence: not being white, not being rich enough, being different, holding a hand or kissing a person of the same sex in the street.

We may comfort ourselves saying these fears were past fears, last century or even Victorian age fears but no, they're still out there. And we can't turn a blind eye.

The current pandemic added new ones, making our lives even more miserable. Speaking of the lgbtqa+ community, I think I can say the social distancing is hitting even harder. Does anybody feel lonelier now? I rise my hand, I do. I'm not referring to the fact that pride parades are cancelled (because we all know there is a freaking valid reason atm), but getting in touch with other people is way harder now. In my personal experience, getting in touch with fellow lgbtqa+ folks was rare even before the pandemic, now it's hella tough. In the street we hide our faces behind masks and don't have the same careless attitude we used to display. Shaking hands and even the lightest touch or proximity are not allowed under the new restrictions: a few weeks ago, over here a couple was charged for hugging each other in the street. How sad and dystopic are these times we live in...

Virtual meetings can help but they're not like in person meetings: the warmth of personal interaction is simply not there. We try but it's not there. Couples are separeted by lockdown rules and so are some families. Lgbtqa+ hotlines are a saving grace and I cannot stress enough how important they are and how anyone struggling with their mental health or literally anything concerning themselves, their gender and sexuality should feel free to contact those volunteers who are a blessing restoring a little faith in humanity.

My thoughts are for those of us who got stuck quarantining with homophobic/biphobic/transphobic etc parents or roommates, and those stuck in abusive contexts. Yes, even relationships because - I know I'll be super unpopular saying this but we can't lie especially to the minor or vulnerable ones- lgbtqa+ relationships can be abusive and toxic too. As I said, we're human and I am sick and tired of the honeyed sunshine rhetoric of lgbtqa+ people and love as an ever right and righteous safe haven. It is a safe haven for us to some extent but we must acknowledge there are problematic issues in our community. We have to be honest with each other especially for the sake not only of each other but for the vulnerable ones and the young. Like criticising or reporting abusers, predators, rapists and so on don't make us all filthy creatures who will burn on a stake for our abominable sins. It just makes us responsible and looking out for each other.

We spend so long dreaming of finding someone of the same sex to be with that when someone shows us any sign of affection our feelings for them grow fast, even when red flags or abuse enter our lives. We stay because we're hungry for love and crave what straighties seem to get so easily: love, acceptance, reciprocity. To the young and everyone who needs to hear this I wanna say: it doesn't have to be like that. Don't ever settle for cheap love only because you feel you will lose your only chance to be loved. There are good people out there too and you deserve one of them at your side. You will find them, your paths will cross: just be patient and never ever forget the importance of respect and consent.

To all those experiencing anything like the relationships or toxicity I mentioned, who feel silenced by the sunshine rhetoric, I say: you are not alone, stay strong and you did nothing wrong, others did and I'm sorry you're going through this cause you don't deserve it.

I share a similar shutout to those struggling with mental and/or physical disorders. If you ever felt pretty much invisible, you're not. I see you, many others see you and we're all rooting for you. You're stronger than you think and you're beautiful.

The not-as-unfortunate-as-the abovementioned but still quite forlorn are the star crossed lovers meeting that special someone in a bad time. Quarantine will see the blossoming of some romances but also takes no prisoners, blowing off others. They don't vanish though, in most cases they turn into those impossible loves and what if we love so much in the movies and hate in real life. I wish I could lay a blanket or pull into a tight hug all those going through this. Your pain is not irrelevant even if there are worst things in the world right now, our souls hurt for things like that. I hold your shaking hand wherever you are as you stare blankly at your phone, waiting for a message or a call that will never come, or you reminisce, listening to a romantic playlist you still have saved on your device. Your suffering is my suffering.

On a brighter side, cause I don't wanna be a complete downer, the luckiest ones among us are blessed with love and I can't be any happier for you, whoever you are. I can picture the one day a few years from now when I will be talking to someone and they will share their story saying how they met the love of their life during the pandemic. How it wasn't easy at first because of all the uncertainty and fears but they kept trying and it all started with a social distancing date at a park or via Zoom. You lucky ones, cherish that and never take what you have for granted: the love you feel and that special someone is showing you is a balsam in hard times. Please cherish it dearly and never stop loving: one day you'll warm these old bones and lonely heart if we ever get the chance to cross path.

Actually I don't have any more wisdom to share, granted what I wrote can be called wisdom, nor giveaway. I considered doing a lgbtqa+ one in honor of the pride month but I feel nobody would be interested. Or at least not by me and I fully agree: writing is getting hard and I feel like I risk of ruining everything I dedicate myself to, as I usually do in my life. I'll follow the tips of a few anons (I think?) and devote this month to educate myself over aspects, nuances or realities I am not fully familiar with: so I'll watch Pose and Sex Education. Hopefully I'll learn something new that might make me a better human being.

Feel free to share further advice: books, articles, movies, series, documentaries...you name it! Drop a message or an ask and I'll make what I'm starting now a lasting project!

That is my advice: if you're stuck inside with nothing much to do this month, find something that might enrich you, even a little thing, and go for it.

As well as reminding yourself the usual stuff: you are not wrong nor unlovable, you're not offensive or dirty for being attracted to your same sex or both or none. Not to quote Lady Gaga, but it's truly is that simple: you are born and beautiful this way.

Stay safe and stay strong, my darlings 🏳️‍🌈

Love,

E.

[brydeswhale]

So most of North America is asleep, and I’m going to talk about how much Tamora Pierce hates Middle Eastern ppl.

I first met Tamora Pierce’s gross, colonialist perspective on Middle Eastern ppl in “Woman Who Rides Like A Man”, featuring Alanna! White Saviour, Creator’s Pet, and all around obnoxious early feminist fantasy heroine. I loathe her.

See, it’s Alanna’s job, as it is with so many of these White Heroines(continuing to this day) to teach the Bazhir, a nomadic desert culture that her nice pseudo-European culture has been oppressing for a couple hundred years that “Girls can do magic, too, we’re totally good at it! Girls are as good as boys, girl power, stop oppressing women, no more veils, rah, rah!”

This is kind of a hard job for one White Saviour to do on her own, so don’t worry!!!

White Saviour number two, who happens to be the crown prince of said cute little pretend europe(it’s England, okay, it’s always England, even when it’s the USA), is wandering around whining about having to, ya know, do his job, and it fortunately turns out he is the next incarnation of the head of the Bazhir religion! So he can totally colonize them even more!

And this is very good because of course they are so uncivilized and now the Americans are here to show them how to respect women(even tho at this equivalent time period on earth Islam gave women more rights and respect than pretty much any European country) and be good and not do war, so yay!

This book makes me want to smash things.

Next we have Briar. To start with Briar is a possible orphan. He’s mixed race, his mom was a sex worker, his dad is absent, and he grew up on the mean streets of poor town, where he became an exploited street thief, but don’t worry! Soon he will be rescued from a lifetime of slavery for juvenile offences because he’s useful to rich academics! Isn’t that freaking awesome?!

Of course his peers are nowhere near so useful, so they will be sent to labour in mines and so forth until they die at a horribly young age for the crime of not being useful to rich academics.

(This is the same book where a Black girl is exiled from her ENTIRE culture because Pierce is actually pretty weirdly racist and literally cannot seem to imagine a culture of people of colour that she doesn’t want to either fetishize or take a giant shit on and no, that the banishment was later lifted for contrived reasons does not make it better. Like, the two white girls in this book consist of grouchy Cinderella(who later White Saviours her way through Greco-India) and pretty, pretty princess craft girl. I mean, not fun, but not bizzare and unpleasant stereotype of a background, either.)

Don’t worry, though, there are sequels.

The Bazhir next show up in Protector Of The Small where Keladry “Fantasy land Japanese people like me and taught me their mysterious ways” Has No Last Name because it’s England before last names because it’s always England is going to be the SECOND LADY KNIGHT!!!!!! A big deal!

(I have nothing against Keladry, except her whole thing where she’s totally okay with punishing a girl who happened to be there while two men were fighting over her while making up a contrived reason for it and also how she’s sort of what weeaboos want to be. I also didn’t like the books because Pierce’s weeb shines through, really obnoxiously.)

A Bazhir character shows up in some of these books. Did you think he was here to dispel some myths about the Bazhir and show them in a new and interesting light?

Hah! You dumbass, this is White Feminist fantasy, specifically the series that previously brought you mysterious empire located in the tropics with ambiguously brown empire with lots of slavery!

This Bazhir guy is here to team up with the misogynistic murdery white guy, and also to say and do sexist things, because Pierce apparently can’t imagine him being an actual person. It’s a problem she has.

Briar, however, IS an actual person, but HE’S an actual person who is useful to rich academics, so he’s on vacation in Disney Middle East, AKA Orientalist Fantasy Setting, AKA Chammur in Sotat.

I’m going to pause my rant here.

I LIKE Briar. He’s one of the best characters that Pierce has ever written, he’s funny, caring, interesting, he has history and dimension. I also like the new character they introduce in this book, Evvy, who has a similar back story to Briar in having been homeless, but with a different perspective. She’s cute and sweet and frankly a darling. They’re both human and not stereotypes at all, despite their back stories.

And neither of them can elevate the scenery, imo.

Chammur is basically an American tract on why Agrabah(Disney version) is bad. It’s pretty much a flat backdrop that occasionally tries to enter the real world, but relies too much on stereotypes to be believable.

Of course the villainess is basically a grotesque, racist charicature of a monster woman who likes to hurt people, of course the corrupt city guard isn’t going to do anything, and because it wouldn’t be a Pierce story without a character of colour having a horrifying, traumatic backstory where people who were supposed to care for her are monsters, of course Evvy’s parents sold her into slavery because they liked boys better! Why not!

Pierce loves to use the trauma of people of colour to propel her stories forward. The pages sometimes feel wet with the way she salivates over torturing her characters of colour.

This includes the last book of hers I read, The Will Of The Empress, where she appropriates the bride kidnappings that Uzbekistan briefly became famous for, transplanting it to, I believe pretend Russia? Before using it to show how good one of her main characters was compared to the villainess. I actually don’t remember the ending to this book, I may not have finished it. That was it for me with Pierce. I was done at that point.

Pierce and all the works above tend to show up on recommendation lists for young readers. This isn’t really a bad thing. Despite the racist tropes at play in the above series, they’re... decent? I mean, middle school literary gems, at least. And all her characters are charming and neat, learning without becoming annoying, with personality and fun. Even Alanna eventually learns to begrudgingly accept that brown women should get to choose their own clothing. I would honestly recommend many of her books to kids, if with a strong warning.

But, having said that, it would be nice if more book recommendation lists included some discussion of these issues.

[esseastri]

Megan Reads Oathbringer (part 11)

All right, now that it’s been 4 months and I’ve read all the other things, I realized that it’s, like, 5 days until this book has been out for a year and I should probably get the fuck on with it, so. Here we are.

Part 11 encompasses pages 828-934 (previous parts)

me in July: I’m almost done! I can finish this!

me, now: sweet christ I have a smaller novel’s-worth still to get through lord let me live

Aw, damn, I left off on Interludes, but I DON’T CARE ABOUT VENLI, WHERE MY BOYS AT

oh SNAP I WANT THAT, the ability to speak and understand all languages???? GRABBY HANDS

ah yes the “the alethi enslaved us so we should rise up and kill them by enslaving ourselves to this other, more horrible godlike being” narrative. my favorite.

sigh

why we gotta EXTERMINATE people?

I’m tired. of extermination plotlines.

Maybe. Venli and her lil light spren will stop? the extermination!? I’m here for that!

“There was an art to doing laundry” HONESTLY THO, HAVE YOU MET COLLEGE-AGE BOYS WHO NEVER LEARNED HOW MUCH SOAP TO USE? AMEN.

oh.

I forgot about Mraize. 

like, literally, 100% forgot about his existence. sorry alyx.

eyy, we found Shalash!

HE WAS LOOKING FOR HER?? IT WAS A TRAP??

admiralakbar.gif

...Mraize has a babsk? I didn’t think he was Thaylen????

“A resistance is not what we caught you mounting.” UGH. PICK THE HAMMER, YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT.

Why do I feel like this is a “HE HAS CHOSEN THE BEAR. BRING FORTH THE BEAR” joke?

yeessssssss, VENLI!!! TAKIN RESPONSIBILITY!!!!!!!! I CARE NOW. I WANT HER TO BE BETTER, I WANT HER TO WORK THROUGH. GIIIRRLL!!!!

HOW LONG WILL YOU VACILLATE?

YESSSSS

gr oss? Tha nk s? for the melting flesh images??

yelch

PART FOOUUUUUURRR

that’s. so many POVs. What is this, a GRRM book?

also none of the POVs are Bridge Four and. WHEN WILL MY BOYS COME BACK FROM THE WAR.

wait, I could have sworn the Alethi had been fighting the Parshendi for ten years?? but Dalinar is talking to Gavilar EIGHT years ago?

Did I miss smthn?

Did I conflate the Shattered Plains with the Trojan War? I’m confused.

Lisa has done Math for me and found out that it was only 6 years????????? Why did I think it was ten??? I COULD HAVE SWORN IT WAS TEN????

“his job was to loom” heheheh

so... Dalinar is the nuclear deterrent and the nuclear threat all in one?

Dalinar, leaning into the mic: “The truth is... I am Iron Man.”

#Evideservedbetter2kForever

OH NO A BABY

TINY FIFTEEN YEAR OLD ADOLIN IS MAKING MY HEART SING

“I had this specially tailored” I LOVE HIM

OHHHHH

HE’S TRYING SO HARD TO IMPRESS HIS DAD I’M CRYING

“When censured, Adolin only tried harder.” I! LOVE! THIS! TINY! SUNLIGHT! BOY!

I wanna write fic where Adolin Kholin meets Luke Skywalker and the world literally EXPLODES IN SUNLIGHT AND SOFTNESS.

“Who could deny him?” CERTAINLY NOT ME, I WOULD DIE FOR ADOLIN KHOLIN TOO GOOD TOO SOFT FOR THIS WORLD

me, squinting: “which Herald is Ahu?”

my running method is to just suspect everyone of being a Herald. At some point, I’ll have to be right.

WHICH! HERALD! IS! AHU!

HE’S TALKING ABOUT THE UNMADE LIKE HE KNOWS THEM PERSONALLY, TALKING ABOUT HOW THEY LET THEM IN. WHICH!!! HERALD!!! IS!!! AHU!!!!

LISTEN, I JUST WANT TO KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT THE HERALDS. GIMME A BOOK ABOUT THE HERALDS, BRANDON!

GIMME THAT JUICY GOOD BACKSTORY, BRANDON!!!

me: why is there a map with the sea but Kholinar is on it???

two seconds later: OOOHHH DUH IT’S SHADESMAR

wack y fun!

ARE DREHY AND SKAR OKAY???? THEY DIDN’T COME WITH???

ARE THEY OKAY?

OH NO OH NOO I’M GONNA WORRY AOBUT THEM FOREVER

Adolin, say hi to your swwooooorrdddd

....the Oathgate has souls?

what?

Fearspren: gross.

I knew they were all bigger on the inside, as it were, but. #yikes?

“Kaladin’s not well.” “I have to be well.”

BRB SOBBING ABOUT KALADIN

I’M!

HE’S SO STRONG

I’M! HELP!

GIANT CLAW? UNMADE!!?? LET’S KILL IT. IDK IF WE CAN BUT CAN WE TRY??

“sword lady” HEH

ok well, at least we know Drehey is alive, since Shallain bumped into his soul, which is both TERRIFYING and REALLY COOL

YOU’RE NOT NOTHING, ADOLIN, YOU ARE EVERYTHING AND I LOVE YOU.

*long keening noises*

I FELL ON THE FLOOR

“Hey,” Adolin said. “It will be all right.” “I survived Bridge Four,” Kaladin growled. “I’m strong enough to survive this.” “I’m pretty sure you could survive anything. Storms, bridgeboy, the Almighty used some of the same stuff he put into Shardblades when he made you.” Kaladin shrugged. But as they walked onto the next platform, his expression grew distant again. He stood while the rest of them moved on. Almost like he was waiting for their bridge to dissolve and dump him into the sea. “I couldn’t make them see,” Kaladin whispered. “I couldn’t...couldn’t protect them. I’m supposed to protect people, aren’t I?”

GUESS WHICH PART BROKE MEGAN

GUESS WHICH PART DUMPED MY HEART ON THE FLOOR

ANYWAY, I’M CRYING

THISISFINE.PNG

“I’m frightened. I talk when I’m frightened.” I LOVE HIM.

ADOLIN’S HELOIGN HIM HE’S MAKIN HIM TALK TO DISTSRAT HIM AND MAKE HIM JEEP WALKING AND I”M

I LOV A SUNSHINE BOY

SO MUCH

...is Vivenna okay?

oh shiiit, Adolin is? king????

sort of? almost??

oh man, he’s gonna be SO GOOD AT IT!!!! LOOK AT HIM TAKING CHARGE AND TAKING CARE OF EVERYONE. HE’S SUCH A GOOD LEADER, HE’S GOING TO BE SOOOOOO GOOOOOOODDD AT THIS!!!!

that chapter was a Lot

OH NO A SZETH CHAPTER

I’ve only been asking for this for tHE WHOLE BOOK

but now I’m gonna be MORE SAD

.......idk how I feel about the soul-after-image thing. it’s interesting, but I’m still a lil weirded out by Szeth...you know...being alive?

huh. Vasher knows about the magic fish? So....does this validate Lisa’s theory about the fish and the birds from that other cosmere thing I can’t remember bc I haven’t read it?

holy shit, that’s a LOT of skybreakers.....

...who have been around the WHOLE TIME???? WTF

So...Szeth can hear the Spiritual Realm.....and is going to bond a spren, of the Cognitive Realm...and is in the Physical Realm... so does that make him the Avatar, Master of All Three Realms?

(while he may have a lot to learn, I believe that Szeth can save the world)

hm. they’re so...regimented. militaristic. ritualized. They’ve got tests and rules for getting in and it’s all very well-put-together. and it’s WEIRD compared to everyone else stumbling into their Ideals. Is this what is was like before the Recreance? or is this just the Skybreakers being Skybreakers?

why are there kaladin flashbacks in the dalinar book, why, brandon, why must you hurt me in this way

Brandon: *mentions Tien* Me, softly: “no”

HE REALIZED HE COULD KILL AND THAT’S WHAT TERRIFIED HIM

THISISFINE.PNG

I’M EMOTIONAL AND KALADIN IS SAD AND I’M UPSET

Also, Syl just. grabbing his arm and snuggling him is VERY GOOD, SHE IS VERY GOOD, AND SHE SHOULD BE WORSHIPED FOR BEING SO VERY WONDERFUL

“It cannot be holy. If it truly were, it would have burned me away long ago.” I’M SAD NOW, THANKS.

I have weird emotions about people losing their faiths, and Szeth’s character arc has been particularly. compelling to me.

“Here’s what you have to do: fight him and win!” has the same energy as that obnoxious Assassin’s Creed “tip” that’s like “the trick to staying alive to is get your enemy’s health bar to zero while keeping your above zero” and I’M SO PLEASED.

ooohh shit

he drew Nightblood

which I feel is NOT RECOMMENDED

# Y I K E S

Skybreakers take the “lawful” part of DnD alignments to a very unhealthy extreme

tbh they’re a lil fucked up, ngl

Skybreakers make me uncomfortable, is what I’m saying.

“he had never mastered the ‘sleep anywhere’ skill the grunts bragged about” NEERRRRDD

WHEN WILL ADOLIN REALIZE HE’S A REALLY GOOD LEADER??? SOMEONE TELL HIM, I WOULD BUT I’M TOO FAR AWAY.

oh that makes sense

I was confused for a hot second about how Vivenna knew Adolin’s kata, but she probably learned it from Vasher who...also...taught Adolin. Duh.

“I’m just a woman who has been constantly out of her league since adolescence.” Viveennnnaaaaaa, darling. You’ll be all right.

also that makes total sense--the Horneater Peaks? If they’ve got a portal, it makes sense they’re so much more in tune to the spren. Easier border crossings.

PEOPLE live in this realm? What the??

I don’t know Nazh, but the fact that he has an embarrassing tattoo due to Horneater lager bad decisions DELIGHTS ME

hm. idk why I’d sort of assumed that Dalinar went to visit the Nightwatcher before Gavilar died, but. maybe I’m wrong. Maybe it was a consequence of Gavliar’s death. 

“the other one” GET FUCKED WITH A CACTUS, PAST!DALINAR 

OOHH

SOFT BOY

Renarin is such a Good

also, Dalinar HUGGING is SO GOOD KEEP DOING THAT THAT WILL HELP

“Humans, you must stop your emotions. They are very inconvenient here.” I think, Pattern dear, that Shallan rather thinks emotions are inconvenient everywhere.

mmmmmmmmmmmmm

HERE WE ARE AGAIN

ANGER IS ALWAYS THE FIRST STAGE OF DEPRESSION

HELLO, KALADINMEGAN BRAIN, IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE YOU WERE SO NEATLY SPELLED OUT BUT HERE WE ARE AGAIN

“You’re not angry at anyone, you’re just looking for something to latch onto. Something to feel.” To stave off the darkness of unfeeling and anger is easy. It’s irrational and warm and so easy. So it’s always the first one to go.

“It would continue until numbness seemed preferable.” GOD YUP. THERE IT IS.

It’s still really validating and really, really unsettling to see your brain problems spelled out so succinctly.

oh lord

“Men he loved, killing each other.”

I’M UPSET

(and the very tiny garbage part of my brain goes, ‘see he LOVES Moash’)

ADOLIN TAKING THE REARGUARD BECASUE SOMETIMES KALADIN NEEDS LOOKING AFTER I’M EMOTIONAL

Syl had a different Kaladin before Kaladin?? Wild.

and GOD but the symbology of the LIGHTHOUSE in Kaladin’s chapter. I’m. <3

EEEYYYY NAVANI!!!

she made them carry their own chairs, GOD THE MEANING BEHIND THAT, I LOVE HER

“Elhokar and Adolin are safe somewhere.” ABOUT THAT....

LOPEN, PLS

Bridge Four’s unwavering belief in Kaladin is SURE A THING. I love them SO MUCH.

also, god, MY BOYS, here they are, eating all the food and being ridiculous losers at a formal event I HAVE MISSED THEM SO

god, fuc you Ialai. ofc she didn’t carry her own chair, fukin JERK

good to know the assholery of the Sadeas name is being upheld, even after his death

god, every time Taravangian is mentioned, my gut just clenches, he makes me SO NERVOUS

GOD YES OH MY GOD, LIFT VS ROCK EATING CONTEST PLS GIMME MORE

I have forgotten that I love Sebarial. Petition for him to show up more often.

OH GOOD HE’S HAVING A BAD DAY. EXCELLENT. HE’S MUCH BETTER WHEN HE’S STUPID

...unless he’s super smart today and just pretending to be stupid.

fuck

IT’S SO HARD TO TELL WITH HIM ARGH

ANYONE ELSE HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THE DISCUSSION OF INVADING SHINOVAR WHEN SHINOVAR IS THE ONLY PLACE THAT DOESN’T HAVE A REPRESENTATIVE AT THIS COUNCIL???? JUST ME? OKAY.

also they keep talking about Shinovar as a redoubt and a haven, but....didn’t the Everstorm--going the wrong way--destroy Shinovar? Has anyone checked??

Navani is so clever and it’s brilliant.

“Taravangian was talking about having you tour Vedenar personally”....alone....so he can MURDER YOU. BAD IDEA. ABORT MISSION.

KALADIN HAD AN OLD LADY SLAVE FRIEND WHO DIED AND I’M SAD AGAIN DAMNIT

“He’s got battle fatigue. We have to watch him when he’s sitting around doing nothing, not when he’s got a specific mission.” MMMMMMHHHMMMMMMM

the future is forbidden, but not to Truthwatchers, sooooooo... is. this “Oracle”. a.......... Herald? PERCHANCE.

(He’s not, but I AM SUSPICION INCARNATE)

Weren’t they lying at the beginning and saying that Shallan was an Elsecaller? Because Odium thinks she’s an Elsecaller for some reason. And I wonder...who he’s spying through and where his attention is focused and who told him the lie?

KALADIN JUST WANTS TO SAVE HIS DAD IS THIS TOO MUCH TO ASK

aight, which world does canned food come from? How far ahead is the mistborn world whose name I can’t remember right now but it begins with an s SCADRIAL YEAH THAT ONE how far ahead is Scadrial in technological progression? Where does the Stormlight Archive fall on the mistborn timeline?

ADOOOLLIINNN. TALK! TO YOUR SPREN!!!

THEY DON’T KNOW??? THE BOYS DON’T KNOW? HOW THEIR MOTHER DIED?

HOW DO THEY NOT KNOW?

oh my god

that

god, that’s a huge lie to believe for so, so long. ohhh my goddd

someone has been writing down all the Unmades’ names, right? So I can look them up in the Coppermind later and be confused and try to work out which is which and what they do and how terrified I should be of them? cool thanks.

HELLO DARKNESS, MY OLD FRIEND

HE’S GONNA TELL US SECRETS!!!!! ARE THEY USEFUL!? WILL I LEARN THINGS ABOUT THE HERALDS!!!!??

I have one (1) priority in this establishment

...why does Syl have color

who is she

also LIGHTSPREN/REACHERS??? COOL AS FUCK OMG

“You don’t fly, you fall the wrong way.” Hehehehehehe <3

I HAVE MISSED KALADIN’S SELF-DEPRECATING JOKES THAT ARE FUNNY BUT ALSO VERY PAINFUL god, I love him. I love him so much. idk if y’all know this about me.

...ok, but the punny banter between Kaladin and Shallan is SO NICE Why do they have to be mean to each other so often why can’t they just be terrible sarcastic pun buddies?

“In that polished breastplate and striking figure, with her talk of chasing bounties and traveling worlds. She’s deeply mysterious.” CAREFUL, SHALLAN, YOUR BI IS SHOWING.

“The feeling was friendship, but neither of them had ever experienced it.” 

NOPE

NOOOOOOPPEE

WHO WANTS TO BET THIS SCENE IS SHIP FODDER DEAR LORD

Kaladin, darling, that shit is SO UNHEALTHY, DO NOT ENCOURAGE THIS

god

also like. darling. no. “I wish I didn’t have to care” DARLING ALL YOU DO IS CARE WHO WOULD YOU BE WITHOUT CARING

THIS IS GOOD FOR NEITHER OF YOU STOP

DO NOT ENCOURAGE THAT IN HER AND DO NOT WISH THAT FOR YOURSELF, jesus

lord, ok, well, I’ve read 100 pages, so on that disappointing character note, I’m going to go to bed.

[moiraineswife]

Autistic!Jasnah: Masterpost

Okaaay, so, as you might have guessed from the title, this post is a long list of reasons Jasnah Kholin is autistic af.  

The short version: Jasnah is autistic because I, a Known Autism, say so. Have a nice day.

The long version (format): A long series of chronological quotes that all follow this pattern: Quote. *Insert ramble about why this is an Autistic Thing* *Possible and probable further ramble about why I’m emotional about that.

That’s literally it, people. Buckle up, I’ve picked through all three books (yes all three) to compose this post for y’all. It’s not going to be short.

To business:

The Way of Kings:

 Jasnah glanced at Shallan, noting her, then returned to her conversation.

Introducing Jasnah ‘I don’t have time for social niceties I’m busy’ Kholin. From the first interaction she’s...Bad at interacting. Iconic.

“Then we shall do an evaluation. Answer truthfully and do not exaggerate, as I will soon discover your lies. Feign no false modesty, either. I haven’t the patience for a simperer.”

Jasnah is both blunt, direct, and honest in her speech as she is in her expectations from others. She doesn’t have the energy to deal with manipulation/lying/tarting up the truth to make it more socially acceptable bc she is a busy autistic lady with shit to do. (really, though, what she’s literally demanding here is the first rule of the autistic’s guide to easy conversation. Clear. Simple. To the point. To frills, no fuss.)

 Jasnah didn’t argue further, and Shallan could see from her eyes that it was of no consequence to her if the king risked his life. The same apparently went for Shallan, for Jasnah didn’t order her away.

People do what people want to do and Jasnah doesn’t waste any time pretending she cares/that it matters to her for the sake of appearances. Again, this woman has a vendetta against typical social niceties and I love it.

“Now?” the king said, cradling his granddaughter. “But we are going to have a feast—”

“I appreciate the offer,” Jasnah said, “but I find myself with an abundance of everything but time.”

Do I need to point out the lack of social niceties again or are y’all sensing a pattern at this point? *King lovingly embraces his darling granddaughter that Jasnah just saved and orders a feast prepared in her honour* Jasnah: ‘Thanks but no I’m too busy to socialise.’

Jasnah was also a rationalist, a woman with the audacity to deny the existence of the Almighty himself based on her own reasoning. Jasnah would appreciate strength, but only if it was shaped by logic.

Jasnah feelings>>>>>>logic. This is a fairly common theme, of Jasnah being ruled less by emotions/sentiment/societal pressures/expectations and much more by logic/her own reasoning. She has her own way of looking at the world, her own rules for how it works, and she won’t be swayed by anyone else’s opinions on how she should feel/behave.

Jasnah turned to look out of the balcony into the dark space of the Veil. “I know what people say of me. I should hope that I am not as harsh as some say, though a woman could have far worse than a reputation for sternness. It can serve one well.”

Jasnah not being very self-aware in how people actually perceive her is also an autistic thing. Shallan notes several times that Jasnah is actually nowhere near as harsh/stern as she’s reputed to me, and, more importantly, she’s nowhere near as harsh/stern as she perceives herself to be. She also fails to note that Shallan actually enjoys the work/the challenge. This also implies that she takes what people say about her at face value and doesn’t have the necessary social skills to refute them.

Shallan tried to judge Jasnah’s mood, but the older woman’s emotions were impossible to read. 

Again, this is a fairly common autistic trait. We struggle to read other people’s body language, but they often struggle to read ours as well. A part of this is probably Jasnah deliberately cultivating this kind of persona, but even so, she’s too unsure of how she comes across to have completely mastered this.

Jasnah carefully removed its contents, neatly lining up the brushes, pencils, pens, jar of lacquer, ink, and solvent. She placed the stacks of paper, the notebooks, and the finished pictures in a line.

Oh look, it’s one of the world’s biggest Autism Stereotypes (which I’m totally guilty of too): lining all the things up neatly, and making them Orderly.

At least with Jasnah one knew where one stood.

Jasnah of the straightforward, blunt honesty and ‘what you see is what you get’ strikes again.

When Jasnah was deeply immersed in one of her projects, she often ignored all else.

And here we see the Autistic Jasnah in her natural habitat: hyperfixating on her special interest.

The rest is under the cut for length! 

Jasnah had elegant handwriting, of course—Jasnah rarely did anything without taking the time to perfect it. 

Jasnah not doing anything unless it’s done Properly and Right according to her? Also Jasnah being indifferent towards things she hasn’t put any time into perfecting (such as drawing).

“I always forgive curiosity, Your Majesty,” Jasnah said. “It strikes me as one of the most genuine of emotions.”

Again, Jasnah encouraging/reacting positively to genuine/honest emotions because she doesn’t Understand the whole guile/lying/not being honest thing because honestly what is the point?

“Must someone, some unseen thing, declare what is right for it to be right? I believe that my own morality—which answers only to my heart—is more sure and true than the morality of those who do right only because they fear retribution.”

Honestly, just, this whole thing. For a start it’s a massive transgression of the Vorin social norms/expectations, especially for Jasnah as a prominent public figure as the sister to the king. For another it’s that internal rules thing again. Jasnah’s world operates according to Jasnah’s principles and Jasnah’s understanding of it, no-one else’s.

But Shallan had caught a handful of occasions, mostly when Jasnah had been distracted, and had apparently forgotten she wasn’t alone.

*Jasnah ignores social expectations so hard she literally forgets other people exist in the world* Also, again, the hyperfixation on special interest.

“And yet, those men are off the street. The people of this city are that much safer. The issue that Taravangian has been so worried about has been solved, and no more theatergoers will fall to those thugs. How many lives did I just save?”

“I know how many you just took,” Shallan said.

Jasnah has a habit of doing this, this very cold, calculated, logical and pragmatic way of seeing the world as well as morality. Shallan considers the lives taken, the emotional aspect of the moral dilemma, the horror of murder. Jasnah just sees it almost as statistics, as four lives taken to save many more. Shallan also focuses on the cold hard facts of ‘I know how many people you just killed’ while Jasnah is engaged in weighing up the probability of how many she just saved. (In theory, the thugs might never have attacked anyone again, so Jasnah might not have saved anyone by her actions, which I think is what Shallan is getting at here. But that’s just...A moot point as far as Jasnah is concerned)

This is also an example of her black and white thinking. There’s more net good in what she did than there is net bad. That’s where her questioning/reasoning stops because it makes sense to her. Shallan exists in the grey area, but I don’t think Jasnah even sees it in cases like this.

But it wasn’t the act itself so much as the cold callousness of it that bothered her.

This is an interesting one, and something I’ll talk about more a bit later, probably, but the way Jasnah comes across vs how she actually is. I totally get why Shallan views what she did as cold and callous, and in a way I suppose it was. It was fully planned and fully intentional. But I think for her it’s this kind of...separation between logic and sentiment. I think Jasnah feels very strongly and very deeply, but she doesn’t often display that to other people, and I also think she believes there’s a time and a place for that. Also, black and white thinking again. It comes off as cold to Shallan, but for Jasnah I think it feels more like common sense.

 “You only needed to kill one of them.”

“No, I didn’t,” Jasnah said.

“Why? They would have been too frightened to do something like that again.”

“You don’t know that. I sincerely wanted those men gone. A careless barmaid walking home the wrong way cannot protect herself, but I can. And I will.”

Again, black and white thinking. (I’m also surprised this moment doesn’t generate more Discourse...Or maybe it does, I’ve just avoided it, either way) This is both a case for Jasnah not being able to predict people’s responses/behaviours, and also black and white thinking/internal rules at play. As far as she’s concerned those men are criminals. She has no assurances that they won’t hurt anyone else again. They’re already criminals, and there’s no chance for redemption or leeway, here. She’s made up her mind. They’re all criminals. They’re all dangerous. They all die.

Jasnah closed her eyes again, handing the brush toward Shallan. “Fifty strokes tonight, Shallan. It has been a fatiguing day.”

A)- routines the ‘tonight’ and the familiarity of this implies it’s something that happens every night. And the ‘fifty strokes’ is either another routine related thing, or an internal rule thing. Either way. Also this is probably a stim thing, since she’s using it to relax/de-stress.

Jasnah tapped her desktop with a fingernail.

Stimming.

“Brightness Jasnah does NOT like people entering her room. The maids have been told not to clean in there.” The king had promised that his maids were very carefully chosen, and there had never been issues of theft, but Jasnah still insisted that none enter her bedchamber.

Definitely, definitely, definitely an autistic thing. Issues with people entering Your Spaces or touching Your Things is a big autistic thing. (especially because the assurances about thieving don’t change her mind) Also the emphasis on not as in ‘this is a thing one absolutely does not do unless one wishes to die’.

“She’d believe me,” Shallan said. “She thinks she’s far more demanding than she is. Or…well, she is demanding. I just don’t mind as much as she thinks I do.”

Again, Jasnah taking what people say of her/how they say they perceive her at face value, and also lack of self-awareness in how people actually respond to her.

Jasnah regarded Shallan, face stiff, impassive. “I have been told that my tutelage is demanding, perhaps harsh. This is one reason why I often refuse to take wards.”

“I apologize for my weakness, Brightness,” Shallan said, looking down.

Jasnah seemed displeased. “I did not mean to suggest fault in you, child. I was attempting the opposite. Unfortunately I’m…unaccustomed to such behavior.”

Two things here: one, I’m like, 99% certain that Jasnah, who has been camped out at the hospital all this time waiting for Shallan to wake up is feeling anything but ‘impassive’ at this moment, in which case this is an example of her body language/facial expressions not matching up properly to her actual internal feelings, which is fairly common. And two: Jasnah’s apology being taken for a rebuttal and her obvious displeasure at it coming across that way when she literally intended the opposite (been there).

Also her general air of uncertainty/discomfort in this setting, which is one that’s obviously social/emotional. Also the fact that she pins her poor apology on lack of practice/familiarity with these kinds of interactions when, in theory, these kinds of things should come naturally to people. So like, lil bit of hinting/implication of scripting social things her, which I think her initial words reek of as well, as she’s said similar things before.

“You make it sound as if you were waiting out there.”

Jasnah didn’t reply.

“But your research!”

“Can be done in the hospital waiting chamber.” She hesitated. “It has been somewhat difficult for me to focus these last few days.”

“Jasnah! That’s quite nearly HUMAN of you!”

Again, a few things here, firstly that Jasnah is othered in a way by Shallan (and this isn’t the only time this happens, either) because of her lack of emotional response/social stuff. Secondly the fact that she’s clearly uncomfortable/struggles with this kind of conversation – the hesitation, the lack of responses are very much at odds with her usual composure and the way she has an answer for literally everything.

Words of Radiance:

She was all too glad to be leaving the stuffy room, which stank of too many perfumes mingling.

Prologue and we’ve already got Jasnah experiencing sensory issues in a crowded room with lots of perfume. What a way to kick things off.

“Many people consider that sort of thing enjoyable.”

“Many people, unfortunately, are idiots.”

Her father smiled. “Is it terribly difficult for you?” he asked softly. “Living with the rest of us, suffering our average wits and simple thoughts? Is it lonely to be so singular in your brilliance, Jasnah?”

A)- Jasnah obviously not enjoying social events/parties (she literally spends all of this one...contemplating the assassination she’s plotting. Like. Mood.)

B)- Gavilar’s comment is...Strangely sad, I think?? And perhaps a bit too on point. (This is very much just my reading of things but)...I don’t know. I see Jasnah trying to make a little quip/a joke here and it being misinterpreted because of her tone. And then, again, there’s that idea of othering that came up at the end of TWOK.

But I think the ‘is it lonely to be so singular in your brilliance?’ I think that....A huge part of that ‘brilliance’ comes from a mixture of Jasnah’s autistic traits: her special interest/her focus in them/her dedication to pursuing them...but also that sense of being other. Of not fitting in. The rest of “us” she doesn’t belong, she doesn’t fit.

And I think this idea of their ‘simple thoughts’ as opposed to Jasnah’s brilliant ones is a little like what we see with Renarin in Oathbringer, where Adolin explains that he isn’t trying to be lofty and brilliant, people sometimes just have difficulty following him. And I think this is what’s happening with Jasnah here (and in other places, she frequently talks about the difficulty she has in teaching, and how her methods are too intense and involved)

And also I think that....The saddest bit about this is that I think she was....Trying to joke here? Trying to fit in with those ordinary people, ‘the rest of us’, and just making a sarcastic joke on the back of her father’s comment about most people enjoying parties and she just sort of ‘well, most people are idiots aren’t they?’ And that’s what prompts this little moment here. So even when she’s trying to fit, and trying to belong, she’s still cast as the outcast, and misunderstood, and othered and it Hurts Me.

 I, she thought, need to write this experience down.

She would do so, then analyze and consider. Later. 

She literally topples into another world, effectively, and is just like ‘hm, I should make some notes on this and analyse them’. And. Yep. This is how she processes the world. By making sense of it, by treating everything according to Jasnah’s rules: it gets written down. It gets analysed. It gets understood. Bam.

Jasnah ignored the eyes of the sailors. It wasn’t that she didn’t notice men. Jasnah noticed everything and everyone. She simply didn’t seem to care, one way or another, how men perceived her.

Jasnah ‘I don’t have time for social expectations’ Kholin strikes again. Jasnah also just doesn’t care how anyone perceives her, social norms and expectations can go fuck themselves .

Jasnah grimaced at the thought. Shallan was always surprised to see visible emotion from her. Emotion was something relatable, something human—and Shallan’s mental image of Jasnah Kholin was of someone almost divine.

Again, the othering idea, as well as visible emotion being startling, as she’s typically so withdrawn/closed off/difficult to read. Yes friend, u guessed it, this is Peak Autism. Also the specific word in it being ‘relatable’ again marks that difference between Jasnah and...Everyone else. Again she’s different, again she doesn’t quite fit.

Jasnah relaxed visibly. “Yes, well, it did seem a workable solution. I had wondered, however, if you’d be offended.”

“Why on the winds would I be offended?”

“Because of the restriction of freedom implicit in a marriage,” Jasnah said. 

Again, Jasnah misreading things/not being able to anticipate how people are going to react to different things. Also her view of marriage as ‘restricting’ says a lot about how she sees it/probably relationships in general.

Power is an illusion of perception.”

Shallan frowned.

“Don’t mistake me,” Jasnah continued. “Some kinds of power are real—power to command armies, power to Soulcast. These come into play far less often than you would think. On an individual basis, in most interactions, this thing we call power—authority—exists only as it is perceived.

“You say I have wealth. This is true, but you have also seen that I do not often use it. You say I have authority as the sister of a king. I do. And yet, the men of this ship would treat me exactly the same way if I were a beggar who had convinced them I was the sister to a king. In that case, my authority is not a real thing. It is mere vapors—an illusion. I can create that illusion for them, as can you.”

This right here is Jasnah explaining passing, without ever using the word ‘passing’. This is how Jasnah sees social interactions. They’re all illusions, they’re all, effectively, lies. They aren’t real to her. How people perceive others isn’t something that she can fit into her box of neat facts and logic. It’s this ever changing, insubstantial thing, ‘mere vapours’. And though she’s talking here about power and authority, the basic principle applies to literally every single social interaction ever. Aka: the secret behind how Jasnah Kholin (somehow) managed to convince ppl she’s allistic.

The orders of knights were a construct, just as all society is a construct, used by men to define and explain. Not every man who wields a spear is a soldier, and not every woman who makes bread is a baker. And yet weapons, or baking, become the hallmarks of certain professions.”

Actual footage of Jasnah Kholin going to war against social constructs and their flimsiness.

It was a picture of Jasnah, drawn by Shallan herself. Shallan had given it to the woman after being accepted as her ward. She’d assumed Jasnah had thrown it away—the woman had little fondness for visual arts, which she considered a frivolity.

Instead, she’d kept it here with her most precious things. 

This is one of my favourite Underrated Jasnah Moments tbh because it says so much about her with such a simple gesture. We’ve established from the past book and a half that Jasnah is pretty bad when it comes to social interactions, and she’s even worse when it comes to displaying her emotions. But she’s not emotionless. She, personally, doesn’t see the value in visual arts, and hasn’t dedicated any time to it herself. Yet she keeps the gift that Shallan gives her. She understands how important this is to Shallan, and she quite literally treasures the art that Shallan gives her, and keeps it with her precious research/notes (and, like, Symbolism with her keeping her sentimental gifts and logic fuelled research in the same place/with the same level of importance/value, except one is hidden, and one is displayed)

And, like, Shall literally assumes Jasnah had just thrown away the picture?? And instead she’s got it kept safe with her most treasured possessions? Like??? The TL;DR version of this point is that Jasnah is horrendous at displaying her emotions/showing people how she feels about them/what they mean to her, but she feels things, goddammit. And now so am I.

What of this Sadeas? she thought, flipping to a page in the notebook. It listed him as conniving and dangerous, but noted that both he and his wife were sharp of wit. A man of intelligence might listen to Shallan’s arguments and understand them.

Aladar was listed as another highprince that Jasnah respected. Powerful, known for his brilliant political maneuvers. He was also fond of games of chance. Perhaps he would risk an expedition to find Urithiru, if Shallan highlighted the potential riches to be found.

Hatham was listed as a man of delicate politics and careful planning. Another potential ally. Jasnah didn’t think much of Thanadal, Bethab, or Sebarial. The first she called oily, the second a dullard, and the third outrageously rude.

She studied them and their motivations for some time. 

Right. Now. Correct my autistic ass if I’m wrong, here, but I’m like 89% certain that ‘taking notes on the basic personalities/literally studying the people around you and making notes on the way they behave so you can actually understand them’ is not a typical allistic thing to do.

Shallan turned back toward him. That pride in his voice didn’t at all match what Jasnah had written of the man.

Jasnah can literally predict the oncoming apocalypse by the power of research, can she pin down some basic Facts about the people she’s observing around her? Nope. I wonder why.

“She wouldn’t let me be a mother to her, Dalinar,” Navani said, staring into the distance. “Do you know that? It was almost like . . . like once Jasnah climbed into adolescence, she no longer needed a mother. I would try to get close to her, and there was this coldness, like even being near me reminded her that she had once been a child. What happened to my little girl, so full of questions?”

Two things: one, this is probably (agonisingly) relating to whatever trauma Jasnah experienced as a child and I’ve got Painful Emotions about it. Secondly, Jasnah being very mature for her age/shucking Navani’s influence because it wasn’t what she thought she needed/wanted is, like, not exactly the most tactful/self-aware/socially conscious thing in the entire universe.

“You’re still human,” Shallan said, reaching across, putting her hand on Navani’s knee. “We can’t all be emotionless chunks of rock like Jasnah.”

Navani smiled. “She sometimes had the empathy of a corpse, didn’t she?”

Oh look, it’s canon low!empathy Jasnah: from the words of her own mother no less.

(Also, small note here, as a low!empathy autistic myself: I really love the way Jasnah is written because it complements my own understanding of empathy which is...Fairly complicated. Jasnah isn’t just like none and done here. It’s not that she just doesn’t feel empathy so she doesn’t care? She isn’t characterised as this brutal, unfeeling, robotic ice queen. There are a lot of nuances and complexities here as to how she relates to those around her and I love it.

She obviously loves her family very deeply, and is driven to protect and help them (in a very practical, logical way I might add. Which is typically how I relate to care/love as well. You want a shoulder to cry on? I’m going to sit there awkwardly, pat you on the head, and hope you stop soon. There’s a practical solution to your current problem? Heaven and earth will be moved to achieve it.) She keeps Shallan’s drawing, even treasures it. And I think that she obviously....Feels her lack of feeling (if that makes sense)

See: the hospital scene with Shallan where she attempts to apologise. She’s...Uncomfortable with the emotional aspect of things, and she’s completely wrong about Shallan’s intentions, and actually her actions as well. There’s a block there with the empathy...But that’s obviously something that doesn’t exactly...Sit right with her? She’s quite self-depreciating in that scene, actually, and it’s clear (to me, anyway) that there’s the sense of her being aware that there’s something...Missing. Something that...Doesn’t quite line up. Something that makes her different and stops her relating to people perhaps in the way that she wants to.

Anyway: don’t equate lack of empathy with lack of love: a novel by Brandon Sanderson. God bless. Intentional or not, this is one of the most relatable low!empathy characters I’ve ever read and I’m here for it.

“Chana knows, I wondered sometimes how I raised that child without strangling her. By age six, she was pointing out my logical fallacies as I tried to get her to go to bed on time.”

Shallan grinned. “I always just assumed she was born in her thirties.”

“Oh, she was. It just took thirty-some years for her body to catch up.” Navani smiled. “I won’t take this from you, but neither should I allow you to attempt a project so important on your own. I would be part. Figuring out the puzzles that captivated her . . . it will be like having her again. My little Jasnah, insufferable and wonderful.”

Again, a few things here: this concept of autistic children being far more mature/behaving like ‘little adults’ is actually pretty common. Also the puzzle-solving thing is just. Relatable.

Oathbringer

“Brightness?” Shallan said. “But … Shardblades aren’t fabrials. They’re spren, transformed by the bond.”

“As are fabrials, after a manner of speaking,” Jasnah said. “You do know how they’re made, don’t you?”

“Only vaguely,” Shallan said. This was how their reunion went? A lecture? Fitting.

Jasnah is believed dead for months on end, reunites with Shallan after who knows how long: immediately starts infodumping to her. Shallan:.......’Figured.’

People were always surprised to see emotion from Jasnah, but Dalinar considered that unfair. She did smile—she merely reserved the expression for when it was most genuine.

Jasnah back at it with the only bothering with emotions when they’re genuine. (Also Dalinar getting all indignant about people not understanding Jasnah/mischaracterising her is my favourite)

“They will try,” Jasnah said, “to define you by something you are not. Don’t let them. I can be a scholar, a woman, a historian, a Radiant. People will still try to classify me by the thing that makes me an outsider. They want, ironically, the thing I don’t do or believe to be the prime marker of my identity. I have always rejected that, and will continue to do so.”

Obviously she’s talking about her heresy here, but with a tiny smidge of tweaking it works well for her being autistic, too. She will always be a little bit different, always not fit, always be defined by being an outsider.

“In the face of such an atrocity, I would consider the sacrifice of one or more Heralds to be a small price.”

“Storms!” Kaladin said, standing up straight. “Have you no sympathy?”

“I have plenty, bridgeman. Fortunately, I temper it with logic. Perhaps you should consider acquiring some at a future date.”

Again on the feelings tempered by logic, thing. (Also Kaladin/Jasnah is interesting because they’re basically....polar opposites, and I enjoy the dynamic. But that’s for another day.)

“If you wish, Captain,” Jasnah snapped, “I can get you some mink kits to cuddle while the adults plan. None of us want to talk about this, but that does not make it any less inevitable.”

“I’d love that,” Kaladin responded. “In turn, I’ll get you some eels to cuddle. You’ll feel right at home.”

Jasnah, curiously, smiled. 

Jasnah: approves of frank, honest comments. Even if they’re mildly insulting. As long as they’re genuine.

They didn’t talk tactics too specifically; that was a masculine art, and Dalinar would want his highprinces and generals to discuss the battlefields. Still, Shallan didn’t fail to notice the tactical terms Jasnah used now and then.

In things like this, Shallan had difficulty understanding the woman. In some ways, Jasnah seemed fiercely masculine. She studied whatever she pleased, and she talked tactics as easily as she talked poetry. She could be aggressive, even cold—Shallan had seen her straight-up execute thieves who had tried to rob her. Beyond that … well, it probably was best not to speculate on things with no meaning, but people did talk. Jasnah had turned down every suitor for her hand, including some very attractive and influential men. People wondered. Was she perhaps simply not interested?

All of this should have resulted in a person who was decidedly unfeminine. Yet Jasnah wore the finest makeup, and wore it well, with shadowed eyes and bright red lips. She kept her safehand covered, and preferred intricate and fetching styles of braids from her hairdresser. Her writings and her mind made her the very model of Vorin femininity.

Jasnah just not caring about social/cultural gender norms. Jasnah does what Jasnah wants. But also, gender roles, and tbh the entire concept of gender, is a social construct, it’s something a lot of autistic folks struggle with. (Also non-binary/agender!Jasnah just, as a fun little aside) 

 “Surely,” she said softly, “if Jasnah had known that I’d just confronted a deep insecurity of mine, she’d have shown some empathy. Right?”

“Jasnah?” Pattern asked. “I do not think you are paying attention, Shallan. She is not very empathetic.”

A)- Jasnah probably didn’t notice and B)- low!empathy Jasnah again.

Jasnah rubbed her temples. “Storms. This is why I never take wards.”

“Because they give you so much trouble.”

“Because I’m bad at it. I have scientific evidence of that fact, and you are but the latest experiment.” Jasnah shooed her away, rubbing her temples.

‘I have scientific evidence of the fact I’m not good at mentoring/teaching/with people in general’ actual quote from Jasnah herself. Also, just, the language here? The mentoring/taking of wards is an intimate social relationship in Vorin culture, but the way Jasnah speaks of it she uses words like ‘scientific evidence’ and ‘experiment’ which says a lot about how she views relationships in general tbh. 

Also, I think her self-consciousness is something that’s interesting to note. This isn’t the first time she questions her teaching abilities/methods, in fact it’s one of her biggest and most obvious insecurities, it’s something that she’s very aware of. She knows she’s bad at this, and it bothers her. 

“Ivory, you think all humans are unstable.”

“Not you,” he said, lifting his chin. “You are like a spren. You think by facts. You change not on simple whims. You are as you are.”

She gave him a flat stare.

“Mostly,” he added. “Mostly. But it is, Jasnah. Compared to other humans, you are practically a stone!”

[…]

“Jasnah?” Ivory asked. “Am I … in error?”

“I am not so much a stone as you think, Ivory. Sometimes I wish I were.”

And again with Jasnah being factual-based when it comes to her decisions ,and emotions based when it comes to her motivations. Jasnah Kholin feels things so deeply I will physically fight you over this matter. Also, given what we’ve seen, it definitely seems as though Ivory/Inkspren/Jasnah’s ideals are concerned with logic/reason/rightness, and that being a defining aspect of her/her order is interesting in the context of her being autistic. 

Renarin still lurked at the far side of the room, mumbling to himself. Or perhaps to his spren? She absently read his lips.

Since, as far as we know, Jasnah isn’t deaf/hoh, the lip reading is something she acquired for other purposes. Probably as part of her paranoia/wish to protect her family, but it’d also probably help with auditory processing disorder. Which is basically where your ears hear words fine, but your brain scrambles them up and fails to make sense of them. Also a lot of autistic folks (self included) tend to watch people’s mouths instead of their eyes (bc eye contact Sucks) and I’m not saying I can lip-read, but if I could it’d definitely make life easier.

But when, before this, had she last heard him laugh?

“Maybe,” Navani said, “we should encourage him to take a break and go out with the bridgemen for the evening.”

“I’d rather keep him here,” Jasnah said, flipping through her pages. “His powers need additional study.”

Navani would talk to Renarin anyway and encourage him to go out more with the men. There was no arguing with Jasnah, any more than there was arguing with a boulder. You just stepped to the side and went around.

Jasnah being completely and utterly oblivious to the hidden agenda/undercurrent to Navani’s thoughts which is ‘Renarin is comfortable with the men/is enjoying himself with them, maybe we should encourage that?’ and just responds to her mother’s words and nothing else. The boulder analogy makes me laugh (but also recalls what Ivory said about her being ‘stone’ which is, again, a kind of othering, a setting apart of the ‘normal’ humans, based on how she emotes/deals with things/processes fact.

I’m sorry, Mother. I’ve been dealing with a lot of lesser ardents today. My didactic side might have inflated.”

“You have a didactic side? Dear, you hate teaching.”

“Which explains my mood, I should think. I—”

A lot of autistic folk find it difficult to teach people, largely because, if they explain something in a certain way, away in which they understand, they have trouble rephrasing it/altering it to make other people understand it as well. Can definitely, definitely see Jasnah struggling with this.

Jasnah preferred to work alone, which was odd, considering how good she was at getting people to do what she wanted. 

This shocks me to my very core so it does.

Next to her, Jasnah stood with arms wrapped around herself, eyes red. Navani reached toward her, but Jasnah pulled away from the others and stalked off toward the palace proper.

Oh look, it’s touch!averse Jasnah. (she’s really not very touchy feely at all) Also Jasnah not knowing how to deal with her emotions/grief and withdrawing from people around her. Also I’m calling the arms wrapped around herself as a pressure stim. Fight me.

Jasnah met his eyes, chewing her lip as she’d always done as a child.

Jasnah having anxious!stims (that she probably forced herself to unlearn)

“Forget I asked,” Dalinar said, sharing a look with Navani and Jasnah. Navani smiled fondly at what was probably a huge social misstep, but he suspected Jasnah agreed with him. She’d probably have seized the banks and used them to fund the war.

Jasnah ‘fuck your social niceties, I have a war to win’ Kholin.

Suddenly they were young again. He was a trembling child, weeping on her shoulder for a father who didn’t seem to be able to feel love. Little Renarin, always so solemn. Always misunderstood, laughed at and condemned by people who said similar things about Jasnah behind her back.

Mm, who else was ‘solemn’ as a child? Maybe ‘correcting logical fallacies at age six’ ‘no longer needed a mother when she reached adolescence’ Jasnah. And, like, ‘people mock Renarin for his autistic traits...Jasnah is also mocked for having these exact same traits.’ It’s basically canon, people.

Jasnah fell to her knees, then pulled Renarin into an embrace. He broke down crying, like he had as a boy, burying his head in her shoulder.

Also, the fact that Renarin instinctively went to Jasnah for comfort, not Navani, who eagerly mothers literally everyone around her, or anyone else, he went to Jasnah ‘empathy of a corpse, made of literal stone’ Kholin for comfort and support tells me something. It tells me that these two had an understanding. That Jasnah understood Renarin, and that Renarin understood Jasnah, and that there perhaps a reason for that that has to do with their shared brain weirdness.

This is also the first time, as I recall, that Jasnah responds with physical affection. (And this doesn’t undermine what I said about her being touch!averse, she is, but a)- she initiates this contact and b)- it’s with someone she’s clearly comfortable with this level of contact) 

Jasnah glanced over her shoulder at the gathering army. “And perhaps … this is one time when a lecture isn’t advisable. With all my complaints about not wanting wards, you’d think I would be able to resist instructing people at inopportune times. Keep moving.”

I have said it before and I will say it again, Jasnah infodumping to an exhausted Shallan in the middle of a fucking battlefield is the most autistic thing I have ever witnessed in my entire life.

These had always been right. Until today—until they had proclaimed that Jasnah Kholin’s love would fail.

And, to summarise it all neatly, Jasnah Kholin, empathy of a corpse, heart of a boulder, whose love in the end never failed her. *wipes tear* my beautiful autistic queen is good and full of love and feeling but just being really bad at showing it to people. We do not deserve her.

TL;DR: Jasnah is autistic af. It’s basically canon. Fight me.