#borderline musings

[borderline-musings]

No one cares about me. And every time I dare hope they do, I’m slapped in the face with reality

[tenshi-net]

i fucking hate emotions

[xoxoskinnybitxh]

[gallaghersgal]

preview; borderline c4, rated pg13. playlist attached.

NEW YEAR, SAME OLD MISTAKES (lip gallagher x bsf!reader)

hi lovelies!! here is a little preview of what's to come in borderline, along with my playlist for the chapter. hope u enjoy! <33

It’s nearly three in the morning now. After getting Lip to bed and helping Adri clean up from the party, you’ve been relegated to the fire pit in her backyard while you smoke down a prerolled joint from your bag. “Do I really have to?” you ask, only teasing her. “It’s freezing out here.”

“You know how my parents are about that,” she responds, standing a good five feet away as she pulls one of the chairs back. “Don’t care if it’s legal, they’d be pissed if they smelled it.”

You smile in return, taking a deep hit before blowing it out. The warm smoke soothes you, melting away the anxieties you’ve been losing yourself in all day. “They don’t really care if you smoke though? And they’re not even here…”

Adri shrugs. The way you’re avoiding mention of what you’re really out here to talk about doesn’t go unnoticed, but she knows not to push it. She’ll let you come around in your own time, or you’ll share the joint with her and she’ll bug you until you open up. 

Either way, Adri will get to play therapist. She’s looking at you from across the fire pit, the flames keeping the winter chill at bay. You decide to get it out of the way. 

“He kissed me,” you tell her. You take another deep drag, watching her face contort in shock, confusion, and something akin to horror. For everything the night has brought, you can’t help the laugh that escapes you at her reaction. 

“Pass me the fucking blunt,” she grumbles, scooting a bit closer. You laugh again, tendrils of smoke spilling from the corners of your mouth. You toss the altoids tin in your lap to Adri, it holds another joint along with your mini lighter. She lights the thing and inhales, wrinkles her nose at the taste of the smoke, and coughs out a question for you. “So, how did that happen huh?”

THX 4 READING -> series masterlist. lmk what you think of the preview if u want 🫶🏻🫶🏻

[citizenerased77]

[theprophetsaid]

Randomly remembered that Brian started talking to Rami as if were Freddie during the filming of BoRhap.... and I feel sick.

[thatsrightice]

Lemmons finds out one of his crew can’t read very well, so he decides to introduce him to Crosby. Croz was a nice guy, very gentle and not at all intimidating, especially to a massive grounds crew worker. And before the war he was in a masters program studying literature with the hopes of becoming a professor.

Crosby is more than willing to help, pretty excited to help by doing something he knew he was actually pretty good at. Not to mention that he knew what it felt like to feel embarrassed and incompetent at something, so he knew exactly what to say and do to encourage the man.

They don’t have lessons often with how both of their schedules are irregular, so sometimes Crosby comes out to the hardstand and when he gets a break they quick do a lesson. Crosby loans him some books to read in the meantime like “Of Mice and Men” and is ecstatic to hear how much he liked it.

He’s not the only guy who struggles with reading and brings a couple friends one day, who bring a couple of their own friends, and so on until there’s a mini classroom outdoors during their breaks fixing planes. Sometimes Crosby just reads out loud for a while, the men occasionally interrupting to ask what a word means.

[razzberrydazz]

Me, realizing one of the many reasons I like Shadowheart and Astarion so much is because they read as having BPD to me, because I am a person with BPD and I project myself the hardest on characters I see myself in. It's MY comfort characters and I'll project on them however much I want 🤡😈

So I broke down the base criteria of BPD symptoms (you only need to tick 5 of the 9 criteria to be able to be diagnosed with BPD) and how both Shadowheart and Astarion can be interpreted as having and expressing the various behavioral criteria.

The main criteria: Fear of Abandonment, Self-Harm and/or Suicidal Thoughts, Chronic feelings of Emptiness and Dissociation, Unstable Self-image and sense of identity, history of unstable relationships, impulsive and self-sabotaging behavior, mood swings, extreme anger, Paranoia and disconnect from reality. It's not explicitly a criteria, but it's incredibly common if not a prerequisite that people with BPD have prolonged past trauma that caused them to have these maladaptive behaviors.

Both Astarion and Shadowheart have the traumatized unstable past to explain their behaviors (Shadowheart DEFINITELY has SEVERE childhood trauma since she got kidnapped and forced into a horribly abusive and manipulative cult, while Astarion has the trauma from Cazador's centuries of abuse and manipulation)

Both of them have SEVERE trust issues (Shadowheart from being in a cult as well as her attempts to pit Tav against Lae'Zel because she's distrustful of her {she has good reason to be when she's carrying a Gith artifact, as well as the Githyanki's long history of brutality and oppressive regimes}, Astarion from being so severely abused by Cazador despite his attempts to please the vampire lord, both of them can latch onto Tav and trust Tav entirely too Much once they're shown a shred of decency)

Both have Extreme fear of abandonment that they deal with in different ways (Shadowheart avoids abandonment by generally pushing people away and keeping them at arm's length so she can't grow attached especially if she stays Sharran, then latches onto the player far more than she should if no longer Sharran because Tav is her last tether of trust and warmth; Astarion avoids abandonment by trying to seduce you and get in your good graces as quickly as possible)

Both have unstable self-image and identity (Astarion doesn't even remember his own face before turning into a vampire, Shadowheart has to double down and recite the Sharran dogma to herself near constantly because she is unsure of her faith and by act 2/3 has QUITE an existential crisis on her relationship with Shar and Selune and cuts her bangs and even dyes her hair if no longer Sharran)

Both have a history of unstable relationships (Shadowheart can't even remember most of her possible past relationships due to the memory wipes, the main relationship she does remember is that of her with her cruel capricious goddess Shar, and if you go Selune route in Shadowheart's personal quest she will latch onto Tav and ask them to be with her forever with the clear implication that she's afraid Tav will leave her; Astarion hadn't been able to maintain a single good relationship in his entire time under Cazador because he had to lure his lovers to his master)

Both have impulsive and self-sabotaging behaviors ESPECIALLY Astarion imo (Astarion's perceived initial hypersexuality and inability to say no to sexual intimacy for most of the game, his want to do the ritual which overall has a far worse outcome for himself and others, his attempt to feed from Tav without their consent and possibly kill them in the process, his approval and encouragement of evil actions that reinforce that Tav is not trustworthy; Shadowheart's attempt to kill Lae'Zel by holding a dagger to her throat while she slept was definitely an impulsive act, and if she throws away the spear of night in act 2 that was Definitely done by impulse and not of active thought, and her cutting and dying her hair was most definitely done on impulse imo)

Both appear to have chronic feelings of emptiness and dissociation (Astarion largely because of the chronic vampiric gnawing hunger as well as him appearing to dissociate during some sex scenes, Shadowheart feeling emptiness largely due to the loss of her memory and mind as well as her dissociating via prayer because Sharrans try to empty themselves of all emotion to feel the emptiness and loss that Shar upholds)

Both of them have appear to have varying anger issues (not as much as other characters at times, as both Karlach and Lae'Zel DEFINITELY have worse anger issues at first glance if you ask me) and different ways they deal with it (Astarion is quite murder happy about it, such as when he can kill the Gur bounty hunter without caring for Tav's input, and Shadowheart's anger and resentment towards Lae'Zel and Selunites causes her to verbally lash out at any mention of Selune while at one point physically threatening Lae'Zel with her dagger and possibly killing her if Tav doesn't intervene or eggs her on, though I think most of Shadowheart's anger is turned inward and turned into her mentally anguishing that she's not a good enough devotee to her goddess)

Both have Extreme paranoia and suspicion of others (Shadowheart is distrustful of others by default and is especially paranoid about Lae'Zel due to her being Gith, Astarion is paranoid of being taken back to Cazador and holds Tav at knifepoint at first accusing them of being the one that kidnapped him before Tav assuages his fears)

Of the BPD criteria, I'd say outright Self-Harm and Suicidal Ideation shows up in both Shart and Astarion the Least (Gale has EVERYONE beat in the suicidality department); they both most definitely want to live, though they both still do Self-Harm usually through their self-sabotaging actions. I wouldn't count Shadowheart's stigmata hand wound as Self-Harm since it was Shar that inflicted that on her and not Shadowheart inflicting it on herself. If anything, it could be argued that Shadowheart purposely doing things she knows Shar would dislike in order to activate the wound is some form of self harm possibly? Shar is her abuser so I still am firm that her wound is not Shadowheart harming herself even if she knowingly does things to activate it because it is the fault of her abuser for hurting her.

As for extreme mood swings, often times those can be pretty well concealed and be mostly internal instead of external if someone is good enough at masking their emotions. Of the party members, Shadowheart and Astarion and Gale mask their emotions the most. Karlach has pretty outward mood swings, she's very expressive, while both Shadowheart and Astarion (and Gale) are typically pretty withdrawn and wear a mask of false smiles. Shadowheart definitely seems to be chronically depressed or otherwise ruminating and not having a good time mentally. If she has mood swings they are likely turned inwards and not outwards. She does have outbursts of anger and panic indicative of rapid mood swings at times, however. Astarion's dramatic catty antics could be read as mood swings judging how he reacts to Tav's various actions. Both he and Shart are very catty.

Overall, both Shadowheart and Astarion can be read as having enough matching behaviors to the BPD criteria for me to confidently say they're coded to have BPD, even if it's not explicitly stated as such.

Sidenote, sometimes people with BPD can experience minor hallucinations especially auditory hallucinations, and Shadowheart most Definitely had auditory hallucinations of Shar judging and shaming her if you ask me. It could have actually been Shar in her head yes, but it could also just as easily have been Shadowheart's own mind tormenting her.

BPD can also possibly predispose people towards Psychosis, black and white thinking, and delusions, though it's not a definite. Astarion's obsession with completing the ritual insisting it will protect him for good could be seen as a possible delusion of grandeur. Shadowheart definitely has black-and-white dogmatic thinking while under Shar's thumb. They need so much healing.

All of this is my interpretation to support my headcanons of course, these also enable my shameless projecting on these two catty characters. I'm a borderline bitch and if I can't get a stable personality myself, store bought is fine!

A lot of stuff is speculative and that's fine with me.

[apheliia]

should be doing hw. instead i am writing a fic

[mad-hunts]

an idea for how another character could meet barton in an untraditional way: your muse met barton while he was in residency by expressing concern for him as they saw him at the grocery store... with only like five bottles of wine in his cart at the checkout 🫠 JSJSJ

[spiderwarden]

Minthara going quiet for a long moment as she stares off with a thousand yard stare because she can't grasp her surroundings or make left or right of her own mind or the memories she's trying to nail down that she knows is there. She pretends it's not a thing, but that's what happens when you leave the Moonrise Towers with unaddressed damage after you were almost made into a thrall and had your brain blasted by a force a hundred times your size and your own tadpole chomping into your skull for any sort of relief.

[borderline-musings]

I…why is one small thing always capable of ruining my entire mood, my day, my week, my year. All I want to do is die or scream or burn something or disappear. Just. Why

I was thriving a minute ago. Now everything is just…pain.

[tenshi-net]

not having an fp is so dull… no one offline is even worth my time! (let alone occupying my every thought)

[envyfilled]

You can't even begin to imagine... the depths of my greed...and how desperately I want to touch you. How desperately I wish to call you mine.

[feliciadraws]

Lunarian Warrior Holding Tengu Helmet 🌙

Look, the moment I saw this painting, my simp brain's first thought was "man I have to recreate this but with Waka", and so...I did! After all, LOOK AT HIM. HE'S A WORK OF ART. WHOOF.

Painting inspo under the cut:

Germanic Warrior Looking At A Roman Helmet by Osmar Schindler

[vesselreborn]

something something, Miyako not being able to exist without Datatsushi, Datatsushi not being able to be resurrected without Miyako, something.

Both of them foiling each other's plans and both just trying to survive. Both never truly leaving the village in their life. Both being so committed to killing each other for their goal, that their allies end up suffering/dying for it in the end.

Does Miyako even know that killing Datatsushi would kill her too? Probably not! Would that stop her? Probably not! To her, Datatsushi is the source of all her pain. Miyako believes that she can't live or truly be free with Datatsushi remaining alive, so she'll do everything in order to make sure he's dead. This drive is what helps keeps them at a standstill, neither of them are winning nor willing to back down. One's end is another's beginning, and they'll both be sitting here for eternity before giving up a chance at freedom.

Seeing and knowing that Datatsushi is also trapped, and seeing him die (momentarily, but still) and the end of each loop sends something to her brain. There's just something about seeing a being, who you've been told your whole life that you're meant to serve, who's the ultimate being, reduced to a critical status. All because you resisted your 'fate'. Sure, Miyako isn't getting anywhere, but neither is he. Datatsushi is the one who decided that her life was nothing more than a curse and to be used as a thing, a tool. So yeah, she doesn't mind suffering if it means he suffers too.

She just can't wait to kill him, for this loop to finally be over with. For her to be free and have something resembling 'Normal'.

Yet here they are, stuck together as the only beings who feel real in a sea of ghost. As much as she wants to believe that they're real, it feels more like reliving the same nightmare again and again. You know what's going to happen, you've been through all of this before, and yet it still plays out with the same outcome. Sure, sometimes something changes a bit, but it all leads to the same loop.

She's so tired, but so angry. She just wants things to be normal, but she doesn't even know what Normal is!