#bllk angst comfort

[lonelystarrs]

Bathbomb

Blue Lock - Barou Shouei x FemReader

Barou was shit with expressing himself and even worse with words, good job you had the skills he lacked even if they reduced him to a sub.

Word count: 3.1k

Warnings: 18+ MDNI • aged up characters to mid 20’s • blue lock is in the past & in soccer careers. Handjobs (male receiving) • smut • slight angst with comfort on Barou but he pays for his attitude in the best way • established relationships • fluff •

A difficult start to the week brought a stand off between Barou and you, this wasn’t the first time and as far as you were concerned it certainly wasn’t the last. As heavenly as that mouth of his could be, it could get vicious and when it mixed with his ego it was a nasty combination. Most the time Barou would insult his way through conversations but still do caring things on the side, shit with words and great with actions. This time his words went too far, you weren’t hurt but you were intrigued to see if he could live up to them.

You’d only jokingly said you dunno what he’d do with it you, his reply?

“A king doesn’t need a queen, I’d be fucking fine!”

The man did things his own way on or off the field and you very much let him take his lead to realise his own mistakes, you weren’t about to waste your time fighting his stubborn ass. You’d known him too long, been with him too long. Playing him at your own game was the way to win with him, Barou needed to nose dive before he started to reflect. He had a system for everything -cleaning, bathing, working out even his emotions and thought process.

You just had to wait out his little system with your own.

Barou however, didn’t know that -yet. Only that you’d gone almost a full week now without talking to him and he was getting in his head -she’s gonna leave.

You gave him just enough to think he had an opening but then you shut it down immediately after.

His stubbornness lived to it’s reputation on day one… you didn’t wanna talk? Fine. He wasn’t breaking a sweat over it.

That very much started to change by day two of you ignoring him because he started to fidget, you’d happily slept on the couch and Barou let you -if that’s where you wanna sleep, whatever that’s your choice. He’d enjoy his nice bed all to himself without your cold ass feet pressing into him cause you thought it was funny.

But it wasn’t a sleep filled night, he decided he hated your shared bed not being shared. But he said nothing, instead he made you breakfast before he left for an early morning run without you and returned to it still sat on the side whilst you had showered and left for the day.

The man didn’t realise his lips ever so slightly pouted whilst glaring hardly at the protein pancakes with fresh fruit and yogurt, drizzled in honey.

The next few days went on in radio silence, made worse by his 4 days away for training.

“Travel safe, love ya.”

Pft it was half assed of you not worthy for a king, for him. You’d waved your hand over your shoulder and carried on scrolling through your phone… He didn’t get his kiss either. He made it to his hotel and the quietness felt heavier than usual.

Barou > I’m here.

Wife > Glad you’re safe.

No you weren’t his wife, but he liked how it popped up on his phone -especially if others seen. It sent his ego soaring on another level different to soccer. Barou wasn’t a man with words, in fact he was useless expressing himself but his actions made up for his lack of skill there.

He grumbled and he threw the phone behind him on the bed, eying his duffel bag before reaching for it and looking inside a particular pocket.

No note.

Man you really were pissed at him.

You always left him some stupid note when he went away, sometimes a few in different places if he was gone for awhile. He’d kept them all, unknown to you, he had a box with them all in. His favourite was shoved between his phone and the case at the back.

‘You’re mine king, always.’

The words alone made his hair stand on end. Where Barou failed with words, unless he was fucking you dumb, you certainly were good with them.

Probably too good sometimes, you always kept calm around him, and spoke calmly making him rethink his manner.

You being the only one who stood up to him in a way that made him enjoy it -that made him respect you.

Barou Shouei wasn’t scared of anyone knowing he respected his woman and he wasn’t scared of letting everyone know you were his. Those shitty names and degrading he called people on the field?

Words like that never touched you from his lips. Never donkey, peasant no nasty nicknames. Sure he was gruff, he wasn’t polite, he’d throw the odd insult -he was Barou, it wasn’t like he melted into a pathetic love struck puppy around you.

The giant grump stood and walked from his bedroom hearing his team mates down the hall getting rowdy already. Deciding to take a shower he moved to the bathroom , red eyes swept said room already made messy by the others shoving their crap where they pleased.

Wet towel on the floor, water and shower gel fucking everywhere.

Eye twitching his temper rose quickly. He grabbed the sopping wet towel and stomped to the main room, hurling it at the nearest person. The comical wet slap hitting whoever’s head, the towel wrapping around it and flooring him from the impact. -all in one smooth movement that silenced his team mates.

“When did Barou get here?!”

“You slobs! Pick up your shit you fucking animals!”

World tournament was coming up and he was getting hit hard. Exhausted from four days hard practice and shitty sleep he was on his way home. He was tense, grumpier and more short tempered than usual, that’s what made him snap at you 6 days ago.

He had taken it out on you and you were certainly living up to your reputation on having some fucking hold over the king. His lack of sleep was evident, constantly side eying his phone the last few days not actually knowing what to fucking text you because he was shit with emotions and words.

He frowned hard, red eyes now glaring at the elevator buttons as they illuminated silently as they past each floor.

Only five away from your shared pent house apartment. He sighed heavily, chewing the inside of his cheek before sucking his teeth.

Yeah, Barou learned from pain and he’d learned hard years ago when you did leave him.

You both worked better together you always had and always would. A foundation he learned at bluelock -teamwork.

The split was difficult, he suffered playing his soccer, much to his annoyance, like when Isagi had knocked him for six the first time and you suffered in your own career. You lost weight, you lost that annoyingly bubbly personality that he could only tolerate in you.

You see Barou and you went waaaay back, like before bluelock. You had always been in his life, probably more for him than he was for you come to think of it.

When you left him and still suffered? He knew what he did was wrong, he absolutely was an egotist but he was also someone who could learn and adapt to change, he wasn’t a coward. So he went after you, demandingly so, nothing subtle either. Safe to say it resulted in the most amazing sex of his life and gaining you back. But he always remembers how shit it felt away from you, especially at times like this.

Occasional arguments bloomed over the years, even now at your mid twenties and living together for a good 4 years.

But that feeling of you leaving was curdling his stomach, he didn’t want that shit happening again but he didn’t know how to reach out.

The elevator dinged dragging him from this thoughts and turned his eyes to the small hallway that led to the door.

The door you were behind, the person that hadn’t text him or answered his calls over the last five days of him being away.

It was painful, he wasn’t even angry now he was just feeling like shit. His mood and energy was spent on the field, into harsh training and now it was drained from him he just didn’t have the energy to run off this shitty feeling biting at his heels.

“Oi, I’m home.”

He expected silence and he got it, he dropped his duffel bag by the door and kicked off his shoes, placing them neatly in the place they belonged -of course.

He had enough of this, Barou never did anything half assed and he didn’t like those who did.

So Barou picked up his pace as his annoyance started to boil as he walked through the penthouse looking for you, he walked into the bedroom and noticed a dull light flickering under the bathroom door.

Opening it he was graced with the sight of you in your large ass bath tub sat in the middle of the bathroom, candles were lit and you had way too many bubbles in there as usual.

One leg rested over the knee of your other that was bent up, calf resting on the joint as your foot bounced subtly, bubbles gracing your skin as you glowed under the candle light reading a book.

He almost groaned. God you were beautiful, even with your hair in a messy bun, few loose strands suck to your face from the heat of the bath. Bubbles dancing across your skin as it glowed under the candle light.

He’d been told many times he was punching, he’d seen the articles about how Barou’s partner was unworldly. You were worthy of a king -of him, his ego wouldn’t let him admit it but you shone brighter and truthfully? He wouldn’t have it any other way, after all Barou respected his woman -the world knowing wasn’t an issue.

He is better with actions than words after all.

You flicked your eyes up before returning to the book.

“Welcome home,” you said dryly

“Tch, doesn’t feel like home when you’re acting like a fucking brat.”

“Try again, Barou.” You replied calmly, eyes not leaving the page you were reading.

His jaw clenched.

Fuck sake you were right.

That wasn’t the right approach, he’d just been thinking of ways to fix this and that’s the shit that came from his mouth?

He sighed heavily, shoving his hands into his joggers he hunched his posture, glaring off to the candles as they sat innocently under his death glare.

“Stop ignoring me,”

You hummed but only flicked the page.

“Please,” he said through gritted teeth, his eye beginning to twitch at you testing his temper.

“Look, if you’re done then just get to it.” He blurted out, his insecurities fully crashing onto him as you still ignored his attempt -as shitty as it was.

“Done?” You repeated, turning your head to him finally giving him attention, he side glanced at you before returning back to the candles.

“Done with us, just stop fucking dragging it out.”

He heard you sigh heavily, the bath water swishing as you moved. Barou turned his eyes to you when the book hit the floor, following the hand that hung over the tub to see your arms crossed over it, head resting in the fold of your arm smiling at him.

“You’re hopeless Barou, get in.”

He wasn’t a guy who needed telling once, let alone twice. He stripped quickly and in a few strides came to the edge of the tub. Your eyes watching every muscle in his body flex as he moved, this guy was huge and built like a god and it was always a sight to see. You did try your best to ignore his cock between his legs that he was blessed with, thick and heavy even soft.

He stood in his natural confidence that mixed with being unfazed about life.

“Shift it then woman,”

You smiled at him coly and shook your head,

“Nope~ you’re in front today. I’ve got my bath pillow in here and you really don’t deserve that.”

He rolled his eyes and stepped in, settling between your legs as you were left to stare at his huge back. Your knees half bent up and resting beside his ribs, wanting to just wrap your arms around him and hug the shit out of him but you refrained.

He sighed heavily as the water soothed him, your smooth skin gracing his sides and despite the small touch it was enough to ease that crappy feeling in his stomach.

“Why is it you women gotta have the water so shittin’ hot?” He grumbled, seeing his skin turn slightly red already, the steam dancing against the candle light.

Your hands gripped his shoulders to pull him back to lean against you, his head resting against your breasts using them as a cushion and you began to comb his hair with your fingers.

“Oh? You shared baths with many women, Sho?”

“Don’t ask stupid fucking questions, know full well s’only been you.”

“I don’t doubt it, you scare off most people.”

Silence consumed you comfortably as you combed his hair until it fell out from its shape, dark locks floating in the water around his shoulders and against your breasts.

“Read it somewhere,”

“What?”

“I read it somewhere and the peasants -they’re always talkin’ shit in the locker rooms.”

You kissed his temple whilst laughing lightly, giving his scalp a nice scratch.

“I didn’t doubt you, if anything you’re too loyal.”

Barou sneered, his hands moving to your legs giving them a squeeze before using his thumbs to rub circles into the muscle of your calves.

“You’re completely oblivious to girls hitting on you. Still makes me laugh when that girl tried giving you her number in that cafe on a napkin and you used it to clean your hands thinking she was the waitress without even looking at her.”

You couldn’t see the smirk twitching at his mouth, but he enjoyed the feel of you laughing under him. It was true, he’d often just glare at everyone and look down on them regardless of gender. He simply didn’t care about anyone else unless it was himself, soccer and you. Eh and his lil sisters.

And cleaning of course.

Maybe pudding too.

“-I literally left you for five minutes to get a spoon and you got hit on.” You finished.

Your lips touched his skin again and he exhaled heavily as you tugged his hair to tilt his head back, trailing kisses to his strong jawline.

“But you’re just such a good boy,”

That did it.

He groaned, his cock twitched as you continued to place wet, loving kisses whilst massaging his scalp and pulling his hair.

He held his breath as your spare hand ran down his front, you pulled his hair back harshly to expose his neck, a growl left his throat and his hands tightened on your legs. Your teeth grazed his Adam’s apple, tongue working against his sweet spot beside it.

“Shit,” he husked, the vibrate felt against your tongue as he spoke.

It didn’t take long for his dick to rise from the water, resting heavy on his stomach tip easily reaching his belly button. Your fingers danced around his six pack, short acrylics grazing the tip. His hips rose slightly to encourage your touch and you allowed it, wrapping your fingers around him upside down into a fist you used your palm to rub the head of his dick as you stroked downwards. Palm giving him constant friction under the bulb of his head, precum smearing to aid it.

The growl in his throat was enough to make you clench around nothing, his hands moved up to your thighs as they tightened under his grip and he squeezed your legs harder.

“You’re so big Sho’” you purred into his ear, he hated the nickname but telling you only encouraged your use of it so he let it slide, besides when you were praising him like this and hand fucking his cock like that?

He’d let you call him fucking anything.

His hips rolled upwards again and you stilled your hand to let him fuck his own dick into it. He was so big, your finger wrapped around barely touching your hand and his length over your palm to rub along your wrist as he thrust up. Fingers digging into your thighs whilst you kissed and tongued his throat.

Your eyes watching how fluid his hips rolled, dick moving like it would if it was inside you. The bath washed swished gently with his controlled movements. You moaned against his neck and bit into him, pulling his hair again whilst squeezing his cock harder; you felt it flex in your hand.

Sweat started to roll down Barou’s head, to his neck as he participated in one of the hottest things he’s done with you.

“You want me cummin’ here or on that pretty mug of yours?”

You smirked against his neck, Jesus even his voice carried testosterone, he was so fucking gruff and deep.

“Like this,” you murmured,

“Tch, what a waste. Grip it tighter then-“

His thursting picked up, becoming sloppy as he chased that high he was almost about to reach, you felt his cock harden and throb, his hands denting their finger tips into your thighs. His grunting picking up and you released him completely.

“The fuck you playin’ a-“

Barou went to sit up but you gripping his hair painful and forced him back, lips moving to his ear you nipped at it before whispering into it.

“Grab your dick, Barou, show me how you take care of yourself and I’ll forgive you.”

You smirked against his neck as his dick flexed against his stomach at your words.

Oh, you were always so fucking good with words.

“Tch, you fucking serious?”

“Yup~!”

You sang whilst placing a kiss to his cheek.

He wasn’t one to back down from a challenge, hands leaving your thighs he moved them, one hand fisting around his thick cock that still looked huge in his own hands. The other moved to his balls to cup and fondle, his palm rolled over his head spreading pre and his hips bucked.

“Don’t be whinin’ at me later when you’re begging to cum and I don’t let you, you’re fuckin dead.”

The pace he set himself was ruthless, harsh even and he was thriving on driving himself into over stimulating himself. His head rolled back onto your shoulder and you cooed in his ear, his stomach muscles clenching as he fucked his hand chasing that high again.

“Look forward to it, king but for now listen to your lil queen hmm? Fuck your fist f’me.”

© pharix 2023 permission is not given to repost, translate or post anywhere else.

[arlestial]

❝lavender haze❞

synopsis : Rin begged Ego to let you assist to one of his training games. But he wasn’t quite fond of your interactions with a certain player..

pairing : Rin Itoshi x genderneutral!reader •— Blue Lock

tw : A mix of fluff and comfort, with the slightest bit of angst (jealousy themes, possessiveness)

word count : 2700~ words

author-note : Hi !!! It's been so long, I missed writing so much... I finally passed my final exams, and I'm now in vacations; I’m going to Austria today. My blog is like- a blue lock obsession at this point lmao but ngl i like it that way. Btw, I’ve seen the movie and I'm just plain disappointed ? It was short asf, and the animation... well, we don't wanna talk about it. Reblogs and comments are highly appreciated :) sorry if it’s bad btw !! Anyway, take care of yourself ♡

A rare, smug smile appeared on RIN ITOSHI’s lips; a smile that immediately triggered his teammates, who looked at each other, dumbfounded. They weren’t used to observe him with such an expression written on his usual stern features; as soon as he left the locker rooms, whispers emerged in the sweaty air, begging for an explanation.

"No way he did," Isagi contested with a frown and a disapproving tone, much to Bachira’s dismay.

"I’ve seen it with my eyes," The other retorqued, "Believe me. He smiled, dude. I’ve never seen him smile before."

"We’re gonna get fired from Blue Lock. I swear— he wouldn’t be happy if it wasn’t terrible. He’s a sadist."

"No worries, my dear Isagi. We’re going to elucidate this mystery together," Bachira replied with a proud smirk of his own; Isagi sighed at his friend’s antics.

"Maybe it’s personal."

"It’s never personal enough for us not to be nosy !" The dual-haired boy nearly gasped, "Our duo is unstoppable."

With more or less desire to intrude Rin’s life, Isagi joined Bachira into a rather quick — and disappointing — mission, to solve the mystery around the cold-hearted guy’s smile, a smile they had the chance to witness.

"Ah. Itoshi asked Ego to let his partner see the next training game. I didn’t know he would be this enthusiastic once Ego accepted."

Anri’s revelation should’ve been a relief for the two men — they wouldn’t be expelled of the program. Thus, Isagi had been surprised and confused when he noticed Bachira’s quiet attitude.

"Aren’t you supposed to be delighted you discovered the truth ?", The raven-haired boy asked, curious, as they walked in the corridor to join their rooms again.

"I didn’t even have time to feel the thrill of the investigation," the other whined.

"At least we know he has a partner. It’s… let’s just say it’s surprising someone like him could ever get someone."

"Someone like me ?"

The sudden third voice scared the two men off, and they jumped. Of course, it was Rin. Always there at the worst moment. Isagi gulped.

"H-Hey, I didn’t mean it like that—"

"What Isagi was trying to say, is that we’re not picturing you as the lovey-dovey type of guy, you know ? Not a good boyfriend or something."

If Isagi could facepalm right now, he would, "Thank you for your help, Bachira, it’s even worse now", he replied in a murmur.

"Who said I couldn’t be the "lovey-dovey type of guy" ?", Rin huffed in his usual cold tone, "and a good boyfriend ?"

"Everyone," the two others responded at the same time. Rin rolled his eyes in annoyance.

"So, y’all just sat down and talk about who could be a good partner or not ? That’s probably why you’re still fucking losers at soccer."

Bachira held Isagi back, amused by his eagerness to show Rin "who’s the real loser between them". Rin walked away confidently, and above all, enlivened by Ego’s answer. He would be lying if he said he wasn’t looking forward to it, the butterflies already flying eagerly in his stomach in anticipation.

RIN ITOSHI’s belly butterflies died in an instant. It wasn’t fair. At all. He had been longing for you since weeks now, months even; he negotiated with Ego for who-knows-long, trying to find a way to make you come to a training game of his — so that he wouldn’t have to search for you in a huge crowd of exasperating, futile, and bland people. And here he was, watching you from afar talking with Isagi Yoichi. He cursed under his breath. This dude had nothing to do with you. He was nothing compared to Rin; a mere guy, with limited soccer skills and knowledge and experience and — why were you talking with him anyway ? When he was right there, waiting for you. The training have haven't even started yet, and playing with Isagi left a bitter taste in his mouth. He threw a hard glare in your direction, which you immediately noticed; you waved at him with a smile, and it nearly made him melt. It would've if he wasn't this upset in the first place. Bachira called for Isagi, and the raven-haired boy returned to the field with a smile. If he could, Rin would definitely wipe the smile off this random guy's face.

RIN ITOSHI tried not to let this affect him. But the prominent and everlasting burning sensation in his chest clouded his mind, making him loose his focus each time his eyes would fall on either Isagi, or you. And god knows how much he had missed you, how he needed to touch you now, to feel your skin just against his — to kiss you endlessly, and his gaze softened by pure reflex as he noticed you were staring at him. He felt guilty, to entertain such hideous resentment towards you, while you were just there for him, as beautiful as the day he left you in your shared apartment to join Blue Lock again after his short break. Was he jealous? It couldn't be. Why would he be jealous of Isagi? He was better than him in everything. Atter 45 minutes, when they all got a short break from the match, Rin refused to say a word. He was always rather quiet - but now, it felt a bit weird. He just stared at Isagi with a cold gaze, and the other boy frowned. When they had to join the field again, Isagi stopped Rin, a hand laying on his shoulder.

"Hey, is everything okay? If it's about the score of earlier, I already said -"

"Look," Rin cut out quickly, his tone slowly shifting to an irritated one, "I don't want to hear your fucking voice."

Isagi's brows were now even more furrowed in confusion,

"What the.. I did nothing bad, dude. If you're upset, that's not my problem. Deal with your childish feelings alone, I don't know."

Childish feelings ? It was deeper than that. Much to Rin's own surprise, he grabbed Isagi's collar, dragging him closer with a menacing look. He didn't know, did he ? How much Rin loved you, how much he required your whole attention. Maybe it was childish indeed, selfish even, to desire to be your whole world. The only one you would ever think about. If he could make you his forever, he would; and at the same time, you had every right to talk to other people, be friends with anyone, you were free after all. But that wouldn’t rub out the aching feeling in his heart, seeing you smile with someone else, having a good time with someone who wasn’t him. Maybe because in the very end, he was scared of losing you. Of you, finally realizing you deserved far better than what he could give you. He was distant, sometimes. He hurt you too much, argued with you on futile things, left for Blue Lock for months, he was a huge mess, and still, you wanted him. It was a mystery for Rin, but he wouldn’t ever complain. He was too engrossed in your love and affection, and somehow, even if he knew it was fundamentally wrong, he’d never wish for you to realize what you truly deserved. Because it wasn’t him. And he couldn’t bare to see you enjoying your life with someone else other than him.

"I’m going to end your pathetic and meaningless existence so quickly you won’t have time to take another breath," Rin spat sharply, "I’ll politely advice you not to approach them ever again — don’t want your disgusting germs to infect them, understood ?"

With these words, Rin yanked him away and joined the field, leaving a widened-eyed Isagi behind him. As soon as the game ended, the whole Blue Lock team began gathering their water bottles, heading to the locker rooms. Rin stayed behind, since he wanted to spend some time with you before your departure. When you both were finally alone, you walked down the stairs, and Rin immediately engulfed you in his arms. One hand was grabbing your side, the other resting on the back of your head, pulling you close. He sighed, inhaling your familiar perfume — it was his favorite, the one he gifted you recently — and pressed a delicate kiss to the crown of your head.

"I missed you so much," He declared, or more precisely, complained, and you chuckled, embracing him just as tightly.

"And I missed you even more," you responded, loosening your embrace to look at him. He could die for this fond look in the depths of your irises. You didn’t have to ask; his hands reached for your cheeks, tilting your head backwards to kiss you gently, yet, eagerly, a pleading for your tenderness. You kissed him back, amused by his move. He was usually the reserved type, especially in public — even if the whole stadium was empty now. Your lips parted to welcome his tongue inside, deepening the kiss even more, a slow dance mimicking his need for you. He kissed your forehead softly when you two broke away from one another.

"What happened earlier ? With Isagi. I thought you were gonna fight."

The question tensed him. Of course you had to bring it up. He stroked your cheek delicately, as if you’d shatter if he wasn’t careful enough.

"Nothing, love, don’t worry. I was just—"

"He told me about it, Rin."

You cut him, and he winced. Ah. That was a problem. He swore he discerned a tint of disappointment in your eyes, but it faded away too rapidly for him to search for it again.

"I thought we said no lies between us."

"I know, darling", he could only mutter. You gently took his wrists, then his hands, intertwining your fingers together.

"Am I not reassuring you enough, Rin ? I won’t ever leave you. Especially not for a guy I just met. You know that."

"More than enough," the memory of your smile and laugh when Isagi cracked a joke made him sigh, "it’s hard to believe sometimes. That’s all."

You nodded; with his lack of self-esteem, how was he supposed to believe you, anyway ? It was a constant fight against the insecurities crawling in the pit of his soul, however, you would never let them win. He suffered enough alone, now that you were there with him, you’d be in the frontlines.

"But it’s still true. I’m lucky to have you, Rin. Maybe one day you’d finally recognize that."

At this moment, he wanted to tell you he was lucky to have you, but he didn’t dare, especially not when he saw you reaching for him again, your arms around his neck. He let himself drown in your arms and comfort, soothed by your heartbeat — at this very precise instant, he swore his heart was beating for you. And if you wanted it on a silver plate, he’d gladly do so.

"I’m sure his joke wasn’t even that funny."

You chuckled, "maybe not better than yours, I must admit."

Not far away, two boys were spying on the scene; their investigation had been more successful than what they ever hoped for, "maybe he’s not that bad, after all."

"I thought he was going to choke me to death."

"Oh, he could."

RIN ITOSHI was a possessive man. Somewhere, he wanted you to rely on him, and him only — to be the only source of your happiness. He never had something to call his; you were the first. And he fully intended you to be the last.

[kvrokasaa]

OMG HAVE YOU SEEN CH260?? kaiser my baby :(( i always assumed his backstory would be kinda dark but i didnt expect this... 🤒 anyways can you do angst with reader waking up in the middle of the night and seeing kaiser having a panic attack remembering his childhood?

many kisses xx 🫶

I did not expect that either... my poor baby, no one should be put into a situation like that. If you do know someone who is put in a situation similar to his, please do not hesitate to reach out to someone you can trust!

Cw: please do not read if you cannot stomach reading about prior physical abuse, choking, and alcohol abuse! Panic attack, reverse comfort, cuddling, crying, 1.1k words

a/n: this isn't as angsty as I thought it would be. I just wanna give Kaiser a big ass hug, baby boy deserves it :( also i feel like I Bet on Losing Dogs is my song to him :(

Your eyes open, a yawn parting your lips as you stretch your legs a little. You know it's late, you don't have to look at the window to confirm. But still, you decide to check the alarm clock on the nightstand, and you realize that it's three in the morning. Your boyfriend, Kaiser, is sleeping right next to you, and he has early practice in the morning.

I'll just get some water and try to sleep, you thought as your hand reached towards the nightstand. But all you feel is air, no cup next to the clock where you usually put it before bed. You groan lightly, you don't want to get out of bed but your mouth feels like the Sahara desert.

Another yawn leaves your mouth as you make your way out of the bed and onto the cold floor. You slip your feet into some warm slippers and walk to the kitchen.

Should I bring it to the bedroom? You looked at the ceiling as you thought of what to do. Shrugging, you decide to bring the full glass to the bedroom. You never know if you're going to wake up again.

"Stop..." You hear your boyfriend whine when you step into the bedroom. "No, I said stop." His hands come up to his throat, clawing at the air.

Usually, you would coo at how cute Kaiser is when he sleep-talks, but you know better. He's not having a dream, more like a nightmare. You set the cup down next to his side of the bed and get onto your knees so you're facing him as he sleeps. Your hands run through his hair, wondering if you should try to wake him up or not.

A sharp gasp pulls you out of your thoughts, your eyes fix to his widened ones. "Hey, hey it's okay," you continue to run your hands through his hair. His breathing quickens and he looks around the room.

It's like he's searching for something that isn't there. "Baby, it's okay. Deep breaths." His eyes finally land on yours, however his breathing doesn't slow. "Come on, in," you take a deep breath in, "And out." You let it out. Michael follows your actions, taking a deep breath in and out.

"Good job, baby," you coo as you smooth your thumb on his cheek. "It's okay, everything's okay." Your free hand comes up to his other cheek to wipe some of his tears.

Your face softens, my poor baby, you want to say. Instead, you try to pull him in for a hug. But he pulls himself back, his arms keeping you at a distance. "I-I don't want..." He trails off, but you understand. You nod your head, immediately understanding why. It took almost 6 months for Kaiser to actually receive your touch without tensing, so you understand why he said no.

"Okay, that's okay." You sympathize with him. You don't want him to feel pressured. "Remember what I taught you, baby."

Kaiser always claimed that he never needed help. Until you saw him struggling one day after a hard game. He beat himself up for it, and you knew that you should give him some space. However, the first person he went to was you. He felt stupid, but also very vulnerable. He trusted you, so he went to you. And just like he thought, you held him and told him that it's okay, it's the cycle of life to lose.

After spending a relaxing day with you, he decided to tell you about his childhood. About why he doesn't like physical touch very much. You learned that his mother left when he was just a baby, his father grew depressed and turned to alcohol. And Kaiser was the outlet for his father's harboring anger. Kaiser looked so much like his mother when he was a kid, and his father grew disgusted. He would drink all day, tell Kaiser to steal for the family, he wouldn't work, he would unleash his anger in the most violent ways.

You learned that Kaiser was almost killed when he was a young child. His father would choke him until he sobbed and cried. And when he was a little older, he was framed for a break-in at a jewelry store. The police searched his home and found money. And of course, his father tried to hurt Kaiser again for storing money.

Out of anger, Kaiser knocked his father out, then the police that were at his home. Because of that, he was sent to jail.

You learned so much in less than an hour. You learned that the reason Kaiser chokes himself before a game is because of his twisted father. You cried for him, you grew angry for him. You were there for him, and he felt so...safe. And for the first time, he didn't tense up when you pulled him in for a hug. He cried when you told him, "Thank you. Thank you for sharing and thank you for being so brave, my love. Thank you for trusting me." For the first time in Kaiser's life, he felt safe and happy.

After telling you what happened, he started to show more emotion around you. And one of these emotions was his anxiety. But you knew what to do, thanks to you having so many panic attacks in the past.

"4-7-8 method, baby," you told him in a gentle tone. "Can you do that for me?" He nodded and started to do what you had asked of him. Breathe in for 4 seconds, hold for 7, and out for 8.

"Good," you give him a small smile. "Do you want some water?" He nodded and you handed him the cup. After taking a few sips, he handed it back to you. "I had a nightmare." His breathing quickened again.

"Slow baby, slow." You remind him, "I had a nightmare about my past. It..." He didn't finish the rest of his sentence, but you understood just fine. It scared him.

"It's okay. You're not living there anymore, you're not alone anymore. Everything's okay."

His breathing calmed and so did his emotions. He finally let you hug him, basking in each other's warmth. He hid his face in the crook of your neck, his breathing evening out until you heard soft snores. You almost wanted to coo at his childlike behavior.

As carefully as you could, you laid his head against his pillows and climbed into the bed. But before you could even put the blanket on yourself, Kaiser snuggled up to you. His head rested against your chest, his arms around your waist. He had a content look on his face, as if he didn't just have a panic attack.

You almost wanted to take a picture, but you thought better of it. This was only for your eyes, his downs, and his ups.

[chiipay]

Kaiser who got his habit of choking himself now finds himself choking someone he wishes he could turn back time to make it up for YOU.

" K-kaiser-.. dude..."

You couldn't breathe. The way Kaiser is griping on your neck was freaking solid.

' Ah... it's hurt..he could have just killed me with a knife rather than choked me to death... Dang what did i do at this point?..'

Your both hands are softly gripping his wrist motioning him to at least just calm down. You were just passing by the monitoring room there to see Kaiser desperately choking himself making you get alert to help him. You didn't know he was on his bridge of his own despair...

You were desperately trying to breath while also trying to calm down in this fucked up situation. Kaiser's face was getting blurry in your vision as it sign you're about to lose consciousness.

As soon as you thought you were about to meet light, Kaiser slowly makes his grip looser than before before completely letting you go making you coughing desperately on the floor trying to gain your breath again.

Kaiser fingers tracing your now red burned neck matching his. His eyes soften as he moves your body to his. Hiding his face on your shoulder.

Soon enough, MICHAEL KAISER finds himself wondering how long it is to take for you to break?

He knows he's to fucked up but at this point he found himself falling for you even more.

( I'm crazy, help me.)

[str4ngr]

new, without you. [ sae itoshi ]

cw: angst no comfort, established relationship/ break-up, gn! reader. notes: idk why i'm in such an angst writing stage. not proofread.

dating isn't permitted.

point blank. it was a a flat, outright rule that was printed on his contract. sae's hand tightened around his pen, brows pinched, and eyes narrowed. his signature was easy to write, so he wasn't hesitant to accidentally make it ugly, but he was afraid.

sae shivered at the truth that your tears would soon run down your soft cheeks. soon? he surprised himself with how quickly he accepted it. his heels dragged as he walked home. you would be there. his eyes softened as the familiar sound of your voice lingered in the shell of his ears,

"c'mon, sae! we should celebrate!"

his keys jingled as he hesitantly brought them to his door handle. there were two shoes at his apartment door, his and yours. sae's lips twitches as he started at your half-tied laces, always scolding you for never tying your shoes. his shoulders relaxed as he remembered going shoping with you for those shoes, because you worked your old ones until they had holes.

he remembered how he promised you would never even think about holes in your shoes again. or counting your bills. or rationing groceries. he didn't care whether you did or not. you were beautiful to him. a glowing sun that enlightened his world that was once only focued on his obsession. you filled his heart with something else, you were sae's first true love, no matter how much he loved football.

the cold air stung his eyes as the key turned in the lock, the door swinging open with a exhausted squeal. gasp. footsteps.

"sae! how did it—"

"let's break up."

the way your whole expression slowly lost it's brightness drew out a fear sae didn't think he would feel. regret. he wanted to shove his hands in his mouth and rip out his tongue for saying such disgusting words. his head spun as your bright, beautiful eyes—the same ones he would helplessly stare into—dimmed and turned away.

it was quiet, barely whispers as you pointed him to the dinner you made, grabbing your purse. each of your footsteps felt like being crushed under an elephant of guilt. your shaking breath felt like a merciless hand wringing his neck. sae felt like his heart stopped beating, his earth stopped spinning, his sun had exploded.

you shoes were now on your feet, half-tied as they always were. your head was hung low, toes tapping nervously as you forced out—sae could hear the lump in your throat and the tears in your eyes, which only made his hand twitch at his side as he wanted to pull you close and take everything back—your last bit of kindness,

"good luck in u-20, sae."

he paused, silent as your eyes finally met his. your eyes were watery and his were burning as they squinted to fight back his own tears. sae felt his stomach churning, desperately telling him that this wasn't right, a true, instinctual persuit against what he was doing. sae let his lips part, the words stumbling out of his mouth before he could think of they could do to you. to the both of you.

"i don't need your luck."

-ˋˏ✄┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈

directory

notes: mm... i dont really like this.

[boughkeeping]

HEADS OR TAILS?

Itoshi Sae x GN! reader

Angst/comfort

Pt 1

Heartbreak is one thing my ego's another, I beg you don't embarrass me motherfucker...

Sae and his little brother used to get along just fine.

You just existed somewhere out there, sure you three were pretty close being neighbours but you knew you couldn't compare to the bond and love the itoshi bros had for eachother.

You just existed somewhere out there and it was fine with you.

"Your bangs are ugly"

"They're not"

"Heads or tails your bangs are ugly or not"

"Heads"

"I'm tail then"

You flipped the coin to reveal tails

"Yeah your bangs are ugly"

From your window you could see Sae and Itoshi, seemed like Sae was struggling to pull Rin from budging.

You immediately ran down to them "What happened?" You asked as you pulled Rin's round cheek but he smacked your hand away, he was very pouty for some reason. "He dropped his popsicle and when I told him he can't eat it he's getting angry"

You chuckled and crouched to Rin's level "Aw hey you can get another next time right?" But he just huffed and turned around. You sighed and pulled Sae's arm. "Alright since it seems like you won't listen to your brother I'll steal him thanks"

He immediately stood up and separated your arm from his and started pulling him to continue their way.

Sae waved you a quiet bye and you watched them leave, again you just existed somewhere out there but you didn't mind.

Itoshi Senior left for Spain and you were left with Itoshi Junior who still didn't like you. Years passed and Itoshi's dislike towards you lessened, you two could even hold conversations without him giving you a nasty look. Perhaps he matured.

One day you were just about to head out to a nearby store to buy snacks then you met Rin returning, he looked pretty pissed but then again when is he not.

"Who burst your bubble Itoshi Junior?" You leaned on the fence. "Sae... He's.." he muttered and you raised an eyebrow "Sae what?" He started walking away "He's back" you bent a little over the fence and pulled his sleeve "HE'S WHAT?" he slapped your hand away "He's back, in the grounds right now... But he's different I suggest you don't meet him unless you want to ruin your mood" with that he slammed the door.

You wasted no time running to where Rin said Sae is.

You felt like your lungs were gonna explode with the way you ran, when you saw reddish hair "S....ae?" You breathed heavily and rested your hands on your knees trying to catch a breath.

He said nothing. You looked at him, he grew up indeed. Both the Itoshi brothers did. You saw him on tv once months ago but seeing him in the real just felt different. "And.. your bangs are still ugly" you laughed lightly, but no response again you slowly walked towards him "Hello? Earth to Itoshi Sae? Did Spain turn your ears deaf?"

He finally said something "Don't bother." Was all he said, you tried to catch his arm to make him stop but he just moved away "You both are still stuck in the past, no wonder you two will never move ahead" you retracted your hand, whatever he said after that or did he even say anything?

That day it wasn't just Rin who left pissed.

Time passed and Itoshi Junior left for some football organisation too, and he couldn't come home for the duration. You were alone now.

You sipped on cold tea sitting outside looking at the sky that hardly had any starts, you could see two if you squinted your eyes and another one was even smaller and even farther away from those two stars.

It almost reminded you of something.

You hissed sat down in the cold grass and pulled out your phone to search.

I|

It|

Ito|

Itos|

Itosh|

Itoshi|

Itoshi S|

Itoshi S|

Itoshi Sa|

You picked up your tea cup and deleted everything instead.

Itoshi S|

Itoshi|

Itosh|

Itos|

Ito|

It|

I|

|

You sighed "Let's not think of assholes that piss you off". You slurped. You didn't even have his number to keep in touch with him, you did see his socials but why would he follow you back. You bet he saw you only as a friend but after that day you wondered if he even considers you a friend anymore.

Of course everyone went forward Sae had gone to Spain, Rin is in that football faculty or whatever and you're still stuck here. Just existed somewhere. Both of them were prodigies excelling at Football and you were just, an ordinary teen who spares a normal amount of time for your hobbies.

You looked above again and for some reason the gap between the two stars and the one star in the distance felt even bigger.

Those two were in a whole different world and here you were, it felt awful. You wanted to switch schools your guardian recommended you study in Osaka where a relative knows you.

Maybe it was time to make changes.

You were snapped out of your thoughts when your phone beeped for a second and you saw you got an sms from an unknown number.

"[Name]"

Who could it be?

[jifloulette]

Hello I'd like to request something with Bachira from blue lock. Probably school au please also have a good day ＼(^^)／

-🪷

❀ — 𝗘𝘃𝗲𝗿𝘆𝘁𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗴'𝘀 𝗴𝗼𝗻𝗻𝗮 𝗯𝗲 𝗼𝗸𝗮𝘆, 𝗮𝗹𝗿𝗶𝗴𝗵𝘁. || b. meguru x gn! reader

genre ; fluff, comfort (tiniest smidge of angst too)

synopsis ; you were always there for Meguru when he was at his lowest. always comforting him, telling him that he was doing great and that you will never stop loving him. it isn't any different when it's you that needs his light to shine your way through the hardest of times.

word count ; 0.9k

warnings ; academic pressure, a bit of angst during y/n's rant,

author's note ; THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR REQUESTINGGGGG!!! i love meguru so much, he is so fine and he deserves so much more love and appreciation!!! i hope you enjoyed what i made, anon. i hope this is school au enough for you huhu, thought of this because exam seasons are next next week. thank you sosososo much again for requesting!!

You were Meguru's first.

His first friend, his first love, his first everything.

You were always there when he needed you most. Whenever he lost a match, failed a really important test, or if he just felt sad. You were there to motivate him to keep going, to go outside with a smile plastered on his face. You knew the words to say and the actions to do whenever he felt downhearted, maybe that's why he loved you so so much. He always kept to himself that he would return the favor to you, two times greater.

And there it was, the time when you needed him.

It was just right before exam season started, the two of you had been drowning yourselves in your studies, not even having time to spend with each other. It made you sad, it made Meguru even sadder because what do you mean you wouldn't be able to cuddle with him? To give him forehead kisses? To whisper sweet nothings in his ear? And as the good boyfriend he is, he obviously needed to check up on you.

He checked your room first, wondering if you were still studying, you weren't there. He thought, "oh, maybe they're in the kitchen, getting snacks! It wouldn't hurt to take a break!", you weren't there either. He was starting to worry, so he checked outside. "Y/n? Baby, where are you?", you weren't there either. Now he was really worried, what if something happened to you? You wouldn't leave without telling him, right? Only then did he hear your sniffles that you oh so desperately tried to hide, but he knew you better than anyone else, he knew where you were now.

He checked your guys' shared bathroom and there you were, his prized possession, his love, crying on the bathroom floor. His instincts immediately went and hugged you as tight as he thought would be comfortable for you. "Baby, oh baby, what's wrong? Why're ya crying? Did something happen?", Meguru asked. You could only nod, still having some tears flow down your eyes. He wiped off your tears and helped you up, going to the living room so that you could sit down on something comfortable. "Lemme just get some water for you, 'kay?", the boy told you before going to the kitchen.

Once he got back to give you the cup of water, you had stopped crying, but your nose was puffy, and you were sniffling. "Are ya ready to talk about what happened, love?", he questioned. "Yes Megu.", you answered. You took your time with what was going on in your head recently, Meguru didn't mind at all. "I...I've been getting stressed lately a..and I've been wondering if I'll ever be good enough to get good grades and if I'll ever study at my dream university..I-i don't know what to do anymore..", your voice broke at the last part and you couldn't help it anymore, you cried into Meguru's arms, staining his sweater but he didn't mind it at all. "I see.. baby, I know ya better than anyone, and I know for a fact that yer gonna pass those exams, hell, yer gonna ace it! You're such a hardworking and persistent person, y/n.. I know yer gonna get what you deserve!" the two-toned haired boy in front of you reminded, "I just feel like as if I have this image of myself that I have to keep up for others, and if I do something wrong, it'll ruin my future..", you replied, "Baby, you don't need to put up this image for anyone, I know you like the back of my hand, yer' gonna have such a bright future ahead of you, the two of us will. Everything's gonna be okay, alright?", Meguru stated and god, were you so glad to have him.

"Do you wanna have short break with me, ynnie..?", he asked. You nodded in response, a small smile starting to grow on your face. As the most unpredictable person you know, he picked you up bridal style all the way to the two of yours' shared bedroom and put you down gently, you were flustered with his sudden action but oh were you so relieved, studying nonstop was so draining but just by being with your boyfriend made all your worries disappear as if they never existed. "Oh, I missed your touch so so much, baby! Thank you for takin' a break from studying with me, even if it's short", Meguru remarked, giving you a kiss shortly after. "Thank Megu for being there for me just right now, I don't know what I could've done without you..", you answered back.

When the day of the most dreaded exams finally arrived, you weren't worried anymore going inside the school campus. You weren't scared that you'd fail or get a low score, instead you were confident that you were going to ace those exams, even more so now that your own significant other said so.

Getting your notebook out of your schoolbag to review just a bit more before the test actually started, there was a small post-it note peeking out of it. "Hey, sweet love honeybunch baby! Let's crush these exams together, eh? I know for sure you're going to, just dunno bout' me hehe!", the note said with a few hearts drawn around it. You cringed a bit at the nickname, but you knew he was just trying to uplift you, so you let it slide.

Whenever Meguru was down, you would always be there to motivate him and whenever you were the down one, you now knew that Meguru would always be there. You were definitely going to ace these exams, for you and for Meguru.

©🇯​​🇮​​🇫​​🇱​​🇴​​🇺​​🇱​​🇪​​🇹​​🇹​​🇪​, do not steal, translate, or repost any of my writings anywhere else.

[lunaviee]

can i request where reader cant go to their match and they got angry which makes them say the word "i shouldve invite *ex's name*, she wouldve come." and reader reaction can be up to you! with rin and maybe chigiri? thank you so much and please stay hydrate! sending loves <33

OHHH MYYY GODDD ANONNN……..

the way i gasped so loud when i saw this OMGOMG

okay so, idk if you’re wanting PURE ANGST for this but like i’ll add fluff at the end anyway bc the more the merrier😇😁😁

OKAY SO UMM..i’m a procrastinator, it’s no secret. so uhh chigiris will be posted when i remember to work on it, sorry😭

“are you serious?” “you’re..kidding, right?”

chigiri hyoma and rin itoshi x reader (seperate) click here for chigiri’s

tags/warnings: angst to comfort, swearing, arguing, NOT PROOFREAD…

synopsis: if he’s so insistent on you being there to support him, why doesn’t he do the same?

a/n: i am SO SORRY this took so long </3 i got busy but this request is soo..chefs kiss i hope i did it justice😓

RIN ITOSHI—

the faint mumbles from the tv filled rin’s apartment as you made a quick snack to eat, knowing your boyfriend should be home any minute. you sat down on the couch to eat, turning the tv volume up as background noise while you looked out the window. it faced a gorgeous view of your city, along with a nice view of the sunset.

after some time, you were back in the kitchen to clean up a bit.

*click*

the jingling of keys indicated rin was home, a tad later that usual but you payed no mind to it.

“hey,” you smiled, “welcome home, how was practice?” arms wrapping around his neck as he set his bag down, taking his shoes off. his arm snaked around your waist to pull you closer to him, planting a kiss on your temple.

“eh, same as always. those lukewarm lunatics don’t know what they’re doing”

you hummed in response, rin pulling away from you to look you in the eye. he spoke again. “we have a game in a few days. you’re going, right?” it sounded more like a demand than a question.

“oh uh about that” you broke eye contact, a twinge of nervousness tainted your face. “i was given an extra shift at work so i’ll be swamped, i don’t think i’ll be able to make it, sorry”

his before softened gaze now pierced right through you, full of annoyance. “really? i thought you’d want to come to my games.” his arms left your torso and flopped to his side, lower back resting on the counter.

“i do! i always do..rin you know this, i go to your games when i can but lately i’ve just been more busy an-” you rambled.

he cut you off, “quit the excuses.”

“excuse me?” you replied, shocked at how his silver tongue was so quick to interrupt you.

“i get it. you’re busy. you don’t have to make up these half-baked excuses and try to make me feel better.” he moved from the counter, straightening his back and showing his full height, looking down on you as if you were less than him at that moment.

“excuses? rin, what the hell are you talking about? i’m being serious.” confusion swirled in your mind, what was up with him??

“you know, i never had these problems with *ex’s name*. she was always happy to come to my games. no excuses, no lies. every game, she was there. why can’t you be like that?” rin’s venom stained words singed into your brain, glints of annoyance pooled in his eyes. a twinge of guilt settled in his gut the minute those words spilled out of his mouth, but he payed no mind to it.

“what?” your eyes widened in disbelief, “are you fucking serious?”

how could he say that? sure, rin was petty and used bitter language when he was upset, but comparing you to his ex? that was a new low, even for him. after all of the crap you two talked about when mentioning both of your exes in the past, you’d assume he’d want absolutely nothing to do with her. right?

“why wouldn’t i be?” not once did his gaze leave your figure, was he serious? “she actually took my career seriously.”

you were beyond shocked, eyes narrowing as your brows knitted together. “invite her then.” you retorted. “maybe i will, maybe then i’ll have someone who actually supports me there.” he scoffed.

his words made your blood boil, eye twitching before you spoke again, “get out.” you gritted through your teeth, fingers fiddling with the hem of your (his) sweater as to not lose your cool.

“what?” he scoffed, not expecting such a response (he really should have, what was he thinking??)

“did i fucking stutter? or is your skull too thick to hear what i have to say. get. out.”

the strikers face further scrunched, yet not moving an inch. “this is my apartment. if you’re upset, then leave.” he brushed past you without a single regret as to what he had said, not entirely believing you’d actually leave, where else did you have to go?

“fine then.” you slipped your shoes on while dialing a number on your phone before slamming the door, leaving the rin to sit with his thoughts. you had much, much more to say, but the thought of having to stay in the same vicinity as you made your stomach churn.

who did you call? why, your best friend of course, who else would you trust with this information. sure, rin’s teammates weren’t bad people to open up to, but you needed someone who could understand your feelings through angry sobs and incoherent mumbles.

it was only a matter of time before you were sat on yours friends bed, angry tears burning your cheeks as you rambled on about how dumb your boyfriend was.

“break up with him” your friend mumbled, only half joking. “me personally, i wouldn’t stay with a man, nah, a BOY who brings up his ex when he’s mad..”

you lifted your head from the tear stained pillow to meet your friend’s gaze. “yeah but……ugh i hate when you’re right” your sentence ending with a laugh

“i’m kidding..kind of” she sneered “either way, screw him, ghost his ass until he comes crying at your doorstep”

“what??” you shot up from your position, now almost on top of your friend. she was faced you, a more serious expression painting her face

“seriously though, you shouldn’t have to deal with that shit [n/n], he has the be the one to apologize.” you nodded in response, good thing your friend had a bit more common sense than you did in that moment.

“yeah, you’re right, thanks”

“any time, now do you wanna stay here or are you good to go home?”

“i’ll stay here and bug you more”

“okay then” she laughed out, the two of you now laying on the bed on your backs, staring at the ceiling

• { time skip - two days later } •

the radio silence that came from rin was like torture, did he not care? not a single text or phone call, not even a message given from one of his teammates. it was hard to stay positive.

sure, he deserved the silent treatment, but he was your boyfriend. his company single-handedly made your days better. being separated because of a fight that he didn’t want to resolve was stupid.

your friend tried taking you out today to get your mind off of the situation. it was going well, up until you walked into your favorite cafe.

you were met with a face you were too familiar with. rin’s. his eyes widened in disbelief and he twitched, almost as if he was about to run after you. and so you and your friend took one good look at him and immediately left. if the argument was going to be resolved, it wasn’t going to be in a public cafe.

your friend pushed you by the shoulders as you both shuffled out of the doors, you pulling out your phone to find another place to go to at the same time.

“shit.” was the only thing that rin had managed to mutter out as he saw the two of you running away from the cafe. it’s not that he wanted to avoid you. it’s that he was ashamed. he was scared that nothing he would say would amount to enough of an apology for what he said.

rin was scared that this was the end of you two. his worst fears of losing the one person he knew loved and understood him were coming true and is was his fault. the past few days were filled with doubt and regret, his teammates even noticing his practices were depleting.

the rest of the day came and went, your friend dropped you off back at your apartment where you collapsed on the couch, left with your thoughts once again. you were about to just pass out on your couch and ditch work the next morning, like you have been for the past few days.

that was until you heard a frantic knock on your door, jolting you awake. your worried expression dropped to one of annoyance and bitterness; it was rin. but, he looked different. his usually blank expression was now one of exhaustion and hurt.

he’d been..crying?

your eyes widened in confusion, you opened your mouth to tell him to leave before he cut you off.

“i’m sorry” he blurted out

he was looking down to you, except it was much different than before. rin looked desperate, his eye contact only further confirmed it.

he reached his hand out to place it on your shoulder, hesitating. you opened the door to let him in, sitting on the edge of your couch next to each other.

“i’m so sorry [name].”

“i know.”

“it was stupid, you mean so much to me and i..i ruined it.”

“i know.”

“please, you don’t need to forgive me now i just…”

he paused. rin’s head moved to look at the ground.

“i just need to know you won’t leave me. you can ignore me for as long as you’d like and i’d understand. but just…please i need you back” he begged, small tears brimming at his eyes, what a rare sight to see.

silence fell between the two of you, but it wasn’t like the comfortable silences you’ve shared before. it was tense and awkward.

“okay” your voice was barely above a whisper, “i won’t leave you, i think we both know that” you say with a smile.

rin looked back up at you, eyes wide, full of hope and relief.

“but listen i…” the moonlight only further highlighted just how much the two of you had been crying

“it’s gonna take some time. that was really fucked up, you know that?”

“yeah..yeah i know. i’m sorry. you’re nothing like her i-”

“i know.”

the two of you were now looking at each other, faces flushed from crying and relief. the silence was comfortable again.

“let’s just..go to sleep, yeah? we can talk about it in the morning, i think we both could discuss better afterwards” you offered, leaning closer to the armrest of your couch as you were too tired to go to your bed

rin hummed back in response, laying on your chest as he wrapped his arms around your waist. your hands found their way to his hair, heartbeats practically synchronizing.

“you know..i’m still not going to your game” you whispered, peeking one eye open to watch your boyfriend. he smiled, “i know” a laugh spilled out of his mouth before you both fell asleep.

[mariaace]

HIII IT'S ME HRU OMG WAIT IM GONNA GO DM U ON DISCORD BUT BFR THAT

gut wrenching angst. rin. insecure rin. do it. PLEASEEEEE 😭😭😭

A/n:HELLO SANA!! I'M NOT SO GOOD BUT THANKS FOR ASKING, YOU?? ALSO ANGST RIN?? IS THAT HOW YOU ARE GONNA DIVORCE ME?? anyways i hope you like it<3

Warnings:angst (w/comfort); insecure Rin; established relationship

Genre:Angst (w/comfort) Type:one-shot

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'Was it really worth it?' 'What if i never make it?' 'What if Yoichi is actually better?' 'What if...' What if. Those were the thoughts running through Rin's mind right now. Did he often think about that? Yes. Does anyone know? No, well at least he didn't want anyone to know. But at the same time...

Ugh he couldn't keep up like this anymore. *Can you come over?* Was the texts you got from him. *Yeah, sure.* Rin is currently sitting with his legs crossed on his bed thinking and thinking and thinking...

What if things don't turn out the right way? What if Sae hates him forever? What if he fails to be become the best??? What if?? What if... "Breathe." He said to himself. He took a deep breath, bust still couldn't get these thoughts out of his head.

They just kept going. It was like he was having flashbacks. Was he all alone? Against everything and everyone? No. He had you- he thought and suddenly his eyes widened. What if you leave him? What if you think he can't be good enough? What if he isn't good enough?

This wasn't the first time he have these kind of thoughts. About soccer. But now it about you. You, who were with him all the time. You, who always spend your time with him. You, who supported him in everything at every moment. So what if he loses you know?? What will he do?? What if... He started panicking. His hands started to shake, his breathing got heavily. Oh no-

"Rin!!" You quickly shut the door, when you saw your boyfriend in that state. What was happening with him? He got up and walked up to as soon as he heard your voice. You were suddenly wrapped in his arms, that were still shaking. His head rested on your shoulder, he was squeezing you tightly.

As you putted your hands around him, still in shock of the situation, you heard him. Was he... crying? What happened? You knew Rin tho. Things should not be punched with him. He will tell you once he is calmed. "Let's sit on the bed, okay?" He nodded as you both sat and you took his hands, that were still a little shaking.

"Rin?" "Yes?" "Do you want to talk?" You asked hesitant. If he didn't want to, you wouldn't force him to, but how could you help him without knowing what's happening?

Rin took a deep breath and he started explaining the situation. All the times he had different thoughts, about everything that could happen, about soccer, his competition, Sae... How he didn't know what to do, how he was scared of what might happen. His voice was shaky as he spoke, eyes watery.

"Now the thoughts were even about you." Your eyes widened. "Me? But..." You would never hurt Rin, you would never leave him. And he knew it. "I can't control it. There are just some times i can't stop thinking about things." You suddenly pulled him into a hug. "Things like this would never happen, okay? I will always be here with you." "You promise?" "I promise."

He smiled as you kissed him. "Never hesitate to tell me when you think about this, okay?" Rin nodded and you smiled.

I don't know girly what do we think? @sanaexus

© mariaace 2024 pls do not copy, translate, steal or claim any of my works!

Reblogs are highly appreciated!

[itostea]

Apologies

When an argument spirals out of hand and you’re left to apologize.

TW/tags: none, angst with comfort, fluff, rin being the standard 

The house is quiet with only the wind rusting outside and the occasional chirping from the birds. The room is a bit dim, only saved from the fact that the sun is especially bright during this hour of the day. Even with the blinds still closed, a streak of sunlight peeks into the rooms.

The soft covers of the bed don’t feel that warm and your eyes sting from the lack of sleep. Your legs are cold and you think that you really should’ve dressed warmer last night. The house is uncomfortably quiet, a husk of its original form. Or maybe you’re just not used to not hearing the light breathing of your boyfriend when he sleeps. 

Your eyes drift to your lap and you sigh in defeat. Ah… I really messed up.

You haven’t seen him since last night: when your argument took place. You admit that you were being a bit too stubborn and insensitive to him, even when he was trying to help you resolve some of your own problems. Rin was awfully patient when it came to you–and his friends never failed to miss a chance to remind him of that. Even with his soft spot, last night was enough for him to tell you that he was going to stay at a friend’s house for a bit. You couldn’t shake the feeling of unease that settled in your stomach.

Pensively, you recall the memories you had with him and how you let the anger take over you yesterday. It’s enough to make you tear up in frustration, with your body shaking slightly in panic that he could break up with you at any time. The sheets beneath you crumple as you grip onto the fabric and reflect. 

Yet, you’re not given much time when you hear the sound of the front door opening and indistinguishable footsteps against the wooden floor. You make eye contact with him the moment his head peers through the door and your heart immediately skips a beat. Even though you didn’t want it, it was almost subconscious for you to turn your head to the side to avoid his eyes–with your brain yelling at you to not ignore him. 

It’s silent, well past the line of awkward. The words you want to say don’t spill from your lips as easily as you want them to and all you can do is avert your eyes. Your fingernails dig even deeper into the sheets when you hear him come closer. 

You think he’s going to chastise you, condemn you for being so stubborn and irrational the other night. After all, you’ve seen him do the same to some of his teammates and it scared you. Your brows furrow more as you can see how close he is from the corner of your eye and you brace yourself–prepare yourself to be hit by a slew of insults. 

Instead, you feel his hand gently ruffle your hair as he pats your head. Your reaction is startling quick, with your head snapping to look up at him with a wide-eyed look. His expression is nothing but calm as he continues to play with your hair. It feels as if time stood still at this very moment, with only your heartbeat acting as the tick of the clock and his hand an escape to reality.

“I won’t force you to apologize.”  

Your lips part in astonishment and you’re really lost now–left speechless at the endearing way he gazes at you. There’s a light in his eyes, an almost lovesick glimmer that he can try to mask but can’t. 

You want to whine in disapproval when he removes his hand from your head to begin to set out for the door. This time, not even your pride can hold you back as you rush to grab onto his shirt from the bed. “Wait…” you mumble and flit your eyes back to him, feeling your breath stolen away as you’re confronted with the raw affection that lingers in his eyes. “I’m…I’m sorry…” 

Your hold on his shirt tightens as you eagerly wait for his answer. Once again, you’re tackled with Rin’s unpredictable behavior when it comes to you–gasping lightly when he kneels down to cup your face so he sees you eye-to-eye. He smiles fondly and he grazes a finger over your lips. “That wasn’t so hard now, wasn’t it?”

A tear falls and a fountain washes over you. You’re really crying now, tears drizzling down the apples of your cheeks and sniffles escaping you. Your body lurches forward as you jump him to the ground, face nuzzling into his shoulders as you whisper apologies against him. Your tears fall in multitude with his affirmations of “I know” and “Don’t cry.”

His hand settles on the curve of your waist as the other draws little circles over the small of your back. He presses little kisses on your neck to calm you down as his heart jumps in his chest from how tightly you were holding onto him and what his lack of presence did to you. 

You sniffle, leaning up. “Rin, I love you.” 

He hums in acknowledgement, peering down at your face with a smile. “Love you too.”

[beanxiv]

NAGI X READER WHEN HE CALLS THEM A PAIN AND THEY GET SAD SO HE COMFORT THEM -🌷 anon

waiting ; nagi seishiro ✩࿐

warnings: hurt/comfort (im so bad at writing hurt/comfort so pretend this is good), petnames, nagi being mean (at the beginning), communication issues :/, established relationship

notes: nagi is definitely the type to bottle in all of his frustration and then take it out on you unintentionally, but its ok i can change him.

wc: 1.9k

"sei, can we watch a movie together?" you sit on one end of the couch while nagi lays on his stomach next to you (feet by your thighs and head facing the opposite arm rest) taking up the rest of the couch. his nose is buried in his phone screen, explosions and other video game sounds blasting from the speaker.

"uhhm, 'kay. lemme finish this round." your boyfriend mumbles, not bothering to look over his shoulder at you.

you sigh, but decide to stay patient. "okay, baby." you fiddle with the tv remote as you wait. when a couple minutes pass you tilt your head to glimpse at nagi's face. "done yet, shiro?"

"no. wait."

you frown, "okay.. but you've been playing for an hour before i asked you to watch a movie and you said you'd finish this round fifteen minutes ago."

"oh, my bad. i accidentally started a new round. i have t'finish the round now, can't pause an online game. just gimme a few more minutes." he still barely acknowledges you, nothing more than a slight shrug of his shoulders.

when another ten minutes pass your patience starts to wear thin. "seishiro, do you want to watch a movie together or—"

"i said wait a few minutes. the round is still goin— ah, fuck! you made me die.." nagi clicks his tongue in annoyance. pushing up off his elbows to sit up and angrily tossing his phone on the carpet. "goddamn, y/n. you're such a pain sometimes."

you blink, an ache building deep in your chest. "what?" you swallow the lump in your throat away. "i asked you if you wanted to watch a movie. you said yes and told me to wait. i waited fifteen minutes and asked again. you told me to wait. i waited again. i stayed patient for thirty minutes. now you're calling me a pain? after barely even looking at me today? you haven't talked to me since you came home from practice three hours ago!" you scoff in spite of yourself, "..really, seishiro. if you wanted space, you could have told me."

you see the weight of nagi's words start to process in his eyes, "shit— i didn't mean that, y/n. wait—"

"i'm tired of waiting, nagi." with that you slide off the couch and walk into your shared bedroom, slamming the door shut before nagi can see tears of frustration threaten to spill over your eyes.

when the door shuts loudly nagi flinches but doesn't move from the couch. he sits there, swearing under his breath and running a hand down his face. "i'm such a fucking idiot.." he wishes he could kick himself for his stupid mouth. the image of your face completely falling into bitter sorrow when he called you a pain replays in his head. regret freezes his veins, and his own heart starts to ache each time your expression fills his brain.

he swears at himself again before jumping off the couch and rushing to your shared bedroom. he hesitates but manages to knock twice on the door.

"y/n, baby. i'm so sorry. please," he chews on his lip. please what? he doesn't even know what he's asking for. please open the door, please forgive me, or please talk to me? he doesn't know. he'll take any option at the moment.

he hears you shuffle to the door and sniff. are you crying? his heart breaks a little bit more at the thought of you hurt because of his idiocy.

"nagi, i meant what i said." you still haven't opened the door. but talking through the wood is better than nothing. "i'm tired of this. it's not the first time this has happened. you've ignored me a lot before. i understand if you want time for yourself, i do too sometimes. but don't tell me you're going to do something with me and not mean it."

"i know, y/n. i'm sorry, i just.." nagi isn't known for his way with words. he's not used to voicing his every thought. but he's willing to make the effort to fix his mistake and make it up to you. "practice sucked today. i was in a shitty mood after and i took it out on you when i shouldn't have."

he hears you sigh. the lock on the door clicks and you pull the door open. nagi searches your face for any indication of your reaction. his heart drops at the sight of your red, puffy eyes and tear-stained cheeks.

he wants to pull you tight against himself— kiss the hurt away— but he holds himself in place. he doesn't want to push his limits until you completely forgive him.

"why didn't you just tell me? we've been dating for so long now, do you still not feel comfortable enough to tell me things?"

"no! i do. i just— today was so stressful, i just wanted to lock myself up in the house and play games to get my mind off of it. i didn't realize i'd been ignoring you all day, i'm sorry."

you let out a laugh that doesn't quite reach your eyes, "see? nagi, you could have told me all of this hours ago. none of this would have happened." you have a bitter look in your eyes that tells nagi you're still upset. "it would've been that easy. just a simple 'hey, y/n i had a rough day today, and i'm not really in the mood to do anything today.' and i would have respected that and moved on."

he steps forward and takes your hands in his, "angel, i'm sorry. really sorry for calling you a pain. i swear i didn't mean it. it was— i was projecting my frustration onto you when i should have just communicated it and found an output a different way. you're the farthest thing from a pain. you're— you're honestly the reason why i'm living my life," nagi breathes out a laugh. "if it weren't for you my routine would just be wake up, football, games, eat, sleep, repeat. and not only that, you're beautiful, inside and out. and you make me laugh, and you make really good food for me, and you help me take care of choki. actually, not only that— you help me take care of myself too. honestly, i don't know if i could survive without you, y/n. so please, please forgive me, angel."

you chew on your bottom lip, "nagi—"

nagi winces, "and please stop calling me that."

this pulls a ghost of a smile onto your lips which sends a flutter through nagi's heart. you think to yourself for a moment and the smile fades slightly. "seishiro, a relationship works two ways. you know that. for it to work you have to talk to me. tell me everything— if practice went well, tell me. if it was absolute shit, still tell me. if you feel like doing something, tell me. if you don't, tell me again. i didn't start dating you just for the title, sei. i want to be with you. i want to know what makes you happy, what stresses you out— i want to know everything you'll allow me to. in exchange, i'll trust you with my heart too."

nagi presses his lips together in a tight line, "i trust you with everything. you know i do. fuck, i trust you with some things more than i trust myself." nagi sighs through his nose, his eyes a window of rare vulnerability. a window that opened only for you. "i can tell you anything, y/n, i know i can. i just don't know how. it's not something i do. i mean before you moved in with me, i lived alone during high school-- until blue lock-- and i didn't talk to anyone except reo in school. i'm not used to talking about myself and what's on my mind. the only thing i ever spilled my thoughts to was choki— my cactus for fucks sake," nagi laughs dryly. he felt pathetic telling you something so stupid. it reminded him why he kept his heavier thoughts to himself. but...

"well, you have me now. ah, and choki too if it helps," is that a smile? you're smiling— only slightly, but a smile nonetheless.

does that mean you've forgiven him? no... even if you do forgive him, he still owes you a proper apology. he wont let you walk away without it.

"i think you're a better listener than choki," nagi admits. when he expected you to scoff in his face and turn away, you stayed and continued talking with him. "i just took to long to understand that. and i promise to work on it. i'm sorry, angel. i never want to hurt you, i only want to see you happy."

"thank you, 'shiro." you murmur, finally looking up at him. nagi searches your expression for any remnants of pain and he sees none, as soon as he sees the soft look in your eyes he exhales, all of his worry leaving his chest. you smile slightly, squeezing his hand a bit. "i accept your apology. and ill try to be patient too, i understand it takes time to completely share all of your thoughts and feelings, so i won't push if you don't want to tell me anything, but at least tell me that much if you don't feel like talking."

nagi nods, "i will. i promise, i swear i'll work on it. thank you, yn. thank you for forgiving me." he can't help himself anymore, and pulls you snug to his chest, his arms right around your waist as he buries his head into the crook of your neck. "i love tou so much.. i would beat myself up if i lost you because i'm a moron."

you giggle a bit, your hand coming up to card through his hair. "mhm, you are kind of a moron."

"yeah?" nagi chuckles back, sighing softy. you feel his breath fan against your neck and pull him from the crook of your neck to look at him.

"yeah, you are. but as long as we both work on communicating, we'll be okay." a grin tugs at your lips as you look at your boyfriend.

nagi nods, his soft white hair swishing a bit as he does. "i promise t'communicate better, angel. or at least i'll try my best for you."

"and that's all i'm asking for," you murmur, the grin still on your face as you lean towards nagi to plant a kiss on his lips.

nagi returns your kiss before pulling away to look at you, "you wanted t'watch a movie together earlier.. right?"

"are you sure?" you chew on your lip, looking at him with a furrow between your brows that he wants to kiss away. "if you're still not feeling up to it, it's oka-"

"i want to," nagi interrupts, pulling you in by your waist to kiss between your brows. "so let's go cuddle and watch something."

taglist : @astruosie @saesins @dreamlessimp @hanmasdolly

©beanxiv — all rights reserved. copying, reposting, translating, and modifying in any platform or by any means is not allowed.

[verysium]

『02』 出発: departure

ft. rin itoshi, sae itoshi

summary: a star's life is its counteraction against death, an endless deadlock against the brute force of gravity. in the constant struggle between space and time, rin cannot tell if he is being held up or held down. perhaps he has already dictated the terms of his own demise. cw: epistolary montage, mentions of blood in film, rin violently crying and throwing up, highly implied hallucinations, swearing, suicidal ideation, disillusionment and lots of hard angst. word count: 4.9k

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Two weeks after Sae took off from Haneda Airport, his words still lingered inside Rin's mind. His brother had left with a fiery flick of a grin—a gaping, white-hot maw right where his mouth should have been. It blazed then sputtered cold in his gums by the time he turned back around, but Rin still knew what he saw. The smoke never lied.

A triple tap of tongue against hard palate, the message moving fast as light. Something had flickered between Sae’s teeth. Something about split knuckles and brotherly love. Something about calling him back.

But Rin couldn’t hear over the boarding announcements, the roar of engines propelling out of the runway, the heat waves of people out in front. At half past noon, his brother had already departed from Tokyo, ten thousand miles westbound in a floating aluminum dream, reeling contrails through the sky. 

And Rin still stood on Earth, waiting. Like some dumb thing left behind.

It wasn’t until his mother laid a gentle hand on his shoulder that he finally tumbled back to reality, an empty gate at his feet, no arrival or departure calling. The afternoon sunlight had grown dim, splintering against the glass windows and whirring the blood through his ears. His chest felt strangely suspended.

It was in the backseat where it all began. Three floors down in the parking garage. Fumbling through his pockets, his coat had snagged between the door and car frame, ten digits on a crumpled paper sent fluttering to the ground. Looking back on it now, he should’ve thrown that damn thing away. But he was stupid then, drunk on a heat stroke and the beginnings of terminal grief. Right on the exit of the Shuto Expressway, he made his parents turn the car back around and drive ten miles down to the nearest World Mobile, a wretched inhale of hope stuck squirming in his chest. 

It took him several weeks before he finally decided to punch in those numbers, and then another several weeks to call after that. His body shuddered, sweat-faced and suffocating, as he trailed sticky fingers down the waiting screen. The phone rang once then twice. Then rang on forever.

Nobody ever bothered to pick up.

─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───

2013 年 6月 17日 Nii-chan, 

It still feels like you never left. And I say this with a miserable lack of sincerity because you did in fact leave just two weeks ago. Kaa-san still makes your bed. Square corners and all. Your duvet goes in the pile with the rest of my laundry. 

Just the other day, I think I saw your shadow. I was sunbathing on the roof when I felt something brush against my back. Does Spain have big shadows too? I hope so. A country with so much sun must leave those poor shades short and stunted. Maybe they’re just a little shy. Be nice to them, will you Nii-chan? Not everyone can shine as bright as you do.

I hope you’ll make friends soon. Write to me often. I want to know everything.

2013 年 7月 7日 Nii-chan,

How are you? I didn’t receive anything in my inbox, and I checked with Kaa-san twice. She said you didn’t text me, but there is no way such a thing could have happened. Perhaps old age has finally gotten to her, or maybe something’s just wrong with this phone. Either way, I should’ve asked her to buy me a newer model.

On second thought, if you don’t text me, I will be very upset. But it will be a childish sort of anger. You wouldn’t be very proud. You will be pleased to know, however, that I have grown a total of ten centimeters this summer, and my bones are looking very strong and wide. My shots have improved too, and I scored three goals today.

Otou-san took us out to dinner for Tanabata this weekend. He told me it is about time I became a man. I smiled and said I didn’t want to disappoint. But then he said ten and three quarters is no longer a youthful sort of age, and I suddenly felt a little mad about it. I don’t want to grow up without you. 

The festival was crowded as usual. I ate every selection of wagashi then chased it down with some of the sake Otou-san lent me from his cup. Pretty sure that was illegal, so I threw it all up on the way home. But then we all went and saw the tanzaku, so I guess something went right. I wrote down a wish, but I won’t tell you. Otherwise it won’t come true. I hung it up on the highest branch though, so that someday it might reach you. 

Tell me what you think. Text back soon.

2013 年 8月 31日 Nii-chan, 

I did not receive your reply from last time. I think this phone must still be broken. Perhaps you should check on your end. Even if it’s just a greeting, I will be content. Anything from you is fine, really.

I visited the beach again. It was peaceful until the wind blew hair in my face, and I went blind for almost fifteen minutes. I tried cutting it, but Kaa-san got mad at me. After your disaster five years ago, she said she’d never let her sons hold a pair of scissors ever again. Don’t tell her, but I laughed. Inside, you know?

Sometimes I still see the waves in my sleep. The ones at Koshigoe Beach. They cradle me, and suddenly it feels like my head is floating even though my body isn’t. You’d probably think I’m crazy. But lately dreams are the only way I can reach you. 

I do watch the news though. And I train hard. Very hard. I can pass like you now, though not nearly as good as your highlights on TV. Coach says I still need to learn. You always said the same thing. But I am nearly as tall as Otou-san now and twice as strong. That must count for something, right? I hope the guys overseas will like this new me. When I finally come over there, that is.

Make sure you aren’t training too hard. I don’t want you to overstrain yourself. And if you don’t like it there, promise me you won’t force yourself to stay. You’ll pack your bags and come home early. 

Promise me. Please. 

That you’ll come home to me.

─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───

For the second time in his life, Rin finds himself on his knees, heaving up everything that has ever made him whole. The bathroom mourns with every dry retch of his throat, and suddenly he’s laughing into the porcelain, clutching at the sides in a mad form of desperation. His ribs shudder—tough in their hurt—yet nothing of substance ever lies between them. He’d smiled out his guts a long time ago. 

Is empty space still a space or just the photonegative of presence? 

Sometimes Rin feels like his body can never truly filled, but it can never be completely emptied either. No matter how much he regurgitates, there will always be more to come. The space inside him widens until it hangs on a threadlike line of limbo: so much to give yet so much to keep. It tugs at him—a crude form of baptism—pulling him up for air and then crashing his head beneath the waves again. 

Another harsh hurl reverberates across the bathroom tiles, this time accompanied by the loud smack of spit. He’s emptied out so much his bowels might just prolapse at any second, the boy inside him turned into some sort of liquid slop, sloshing back and forth in his ribcage. It’s all over the front of his shirt now, the stomach contents soaked for hours in bodily brine, the grief his body tries to hold. No amount of bleach is going to erase the stench.

Some days Rin just wants someone to cradle him like a child does a bird, gentle and afraid to hurt. He had a dream about this once, many moons ago. After wringing himself out to dry, he had gone to work, looping the washing line around his feet until it resembled some sort of upside down noose. Once the wind picked up, he let go of the string like a pendulum, watching his body sway in third person: up and down and up and down. In this reality, he was a creature of feathers and clothespins, his body molting in the breeze. So long as he swung back and forth in this state of suspension, he would remain in the middle, not tethered down enough to live but not free enough to die either. 

He’d simply exist. 

Some nights Rin still can’t sleep. His eyes lay limp in their sockets, two dead weights sinking into bone. He tried to pry them out with his fingers, but they only pressed deeper into his face, rigid and wax-cool to the touch. No matter what he does, Rin knows he will be too late. He can never reverse this decay—the post-mortem withering of his own heart. 

Just this afternoon, he died once again, his body slumped with the hollow weight of disappointment, his spirit sinking like a fault line into earth. He had been drying his hair in the locker room after practice, the friction of the towel’s loops causing small pinpricks of static to echo along his nape. The static had carried over hushed whispers, trailing along his scalp down to his ears. God, he hadn’t meant to overhear.

“Damn it, we’re really done for this season, huh? I’m telling you it’s the striker. We could’ve won this match if it weren’t for him.”

“I mean, if Itoshi were here, he would’ve destroyed their whole team by himself.”

“You mean the older one?”

“Of course I do. Who else did you think I was referring to? The younger one’s just been blessed up until now.”

“Without his brother, he’s just an ordinary guy.”

“Oi, Haruto, shut up! What if he hears?”

“Hear what? It’s not like it isn’t the truth!”

Rin still remembers how his surname burned on their lips, the tip of the tongue caught raw between teeth, the vowels seared into flesh. Itoshi was a burden coming apart at the seams, a title for something he could never possess. They were right and it left him smarting, reeling. He hadn’t laughed a day since Sae’s departure, but in that moment he wanted to shove his whole fist up his mouth and choke for the first time in five resentful months. The laugh had been a silent one, with tears on his waterline and a smile bruised onto his face. 

Ha.....ha.....hah.....

There comes a point in every boy’s life when he simply exists. Still young but no longer impressionable. Salt in the eyes. Salt in the mouth. Take it like a man. When he hawks back the knife, it must come out breathing and clean. Living but not dead. 

His teammates had every right to blame him. 

He can’t score goals like he used to. Can’t run and bleed. Can’t love like before. There’s nothing but shame waiting for him when the realization finally breaches the bathroom air and his teammates scramble off the benches, cleats stained with guilt. They saw his reflection in the mirror, weeping right above the communal sinks.

“R-rin! W-we didn’t know you were here.”

“Y-yeah! You didn’t hear much, did you?”

Rin had never hated his name more in that moment. They uttered it like a euphemism, hand over his stupid bullet-riddled heart, the blood too runny to salvage. It only hurt him more. So he did what he knew best. He clenched his fist, the nails fisted into the meat of his palm, eyes caught on a hardened edge. It didn’t matter if Haruto was his senior. He’d beat him within an inch of his life.

“So you call me Rin now? Wasn’t I just younger Itoshi to you earlier?”

“I didn’t....We didn’t mean...”

“Then what did you mean?”

Only the scurry of shoes answered—two scuff marks against the dirty floor, Haruto’s yelp in the distance. Rin was left all alone again, his thin shadow blown wide across the whitewashed walls of the locker room. 

“Damn coward,” he wanted to yell after him. “Run! Run and tell them how it’s not your fault!” 

But he was just talking to himself.

Is empty space still a space or just a pseudonym for absence?

He hadn't been thinking at the time. Within the liminal space of the abandoned shower stalls, he lent himself a moment of weakness. He let himself cry. The shower head was cold and dirtied, and he stood there for forty-five minutes, waiting to be filled with a warmth that never came. In the end, he let his tears mix with the brackish water, staring at the evidence of his failure before it swirled down the drain. 

He realized he must have been a mistake. There was no other explanation. The real Rin Itoshi was swapped at birth and replaced with someone else. Inside the four-walled confines of the shower stall, his imposter reared its head through the mist, long baby hair drowned down to the ears. He didn’t belong. Not in this body bathed in condensation. Not in this namesake crowned in tempered glass. But by the time the water trickled down to his nose, Rin was already knee-deep in self-doubt, wading his way into misery. What more did they want from him? No one could ever replace Sae Itoshi. Not even his younger brother. 

Not even him.

─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───

Six hours post-death in the locker rooms, Rin went home and passed out with his head on the toilet seat, two slick fingers shoved up his throat and his luminous guts buried somewhere down the pipe drain. Six hours later, his lids peel back scarlet, gelatinous with haze—a ringing in his ears. Some fucker is calling him again. 

He doesn’t answer. Twice. But the telemarketer is either underpaid or rudely insistent, so Rin finally picks up just to curse him out on the line. He doesn’t need any scripted intimacy. Doesn’t need other people counting his own losses. He just needs to be left alone.

At midnight, he staggers out of the bathroom, fingers absentmindedly flicking off the lightswitch before collapsing into bed. The sheets aren’t even his own. He doesn’t notice until he sniffs the pillow and stiffens. It smells god-awful. Like tiger balm and soothing menthol. Like somebody he used to know. And much to his chagrin, the images come stumbling back: knee-deep in the salted sea, shirasu swimming around his toes. What color were his eyes again? Blue ice between teeth. Sour like a bad star. Oh, what can he remember? Disappointment peeled into spirals. Happiness running down the back of his hand. The blood of an orange, sweet and dripping. He’s forever staring at someone’s back. Always a few steps behind.

Fuck you, Sae.

There’s haunting laughter coming out from the window panes, and he can hear the waves crash on shore in the distance. Two children run across sand. Muted footsteps. One soft thump then another. The vision is so close he can practically taste it. Salt in the wind, in the eyes, in his mouth. The seagulls pluck at his eyes, but he takes it like a man, breathing and clean. Living but not dead.

One of the children stands with his arms behind his back, face hidden by the shadows of the horizon. The ocean spray nips at his burgundy fringe, the hunger of a whole world engulfed in his gaze. In the distance, a younger boy shouts his name, dark hair framed by a cowlick, turquoise eyes smoothed over by water. He runs as fast as his little legs can carry him, his arms filled with bone-white shells.

“Nii-chan, wait for me!”

Sae’s face blurs before he can turn around, and Rin is left staring at the wooden slats above his childhood bed, resenting something he can no longer remember. Why did people have to go and change? Three years later and his brother had gone straight from stealing seashells to swindling stars clean out of the sky. Three years and he still had nothing to show for himself.

He imagines the look on Sae’s face when he tells him this. Conversations over Sunday dinner. The family gathered round the kotatsu, piss-yellow light slicing every dish into halves. He spoons pickled radish and chokes Sae’s teacup till it breaks. Would it be disappointment he sees on his face? His brother’s features crumpled mid-smile, blue-green eyes wounded into a porcelain state. Why? Why haven’t you done anything with your life while I was gone? 

Or perhaps it was anger. Smoke on the lips, bruised fists, and the heat of his mother’s blazing scream. Her son bares teeth and scrapes every syllable of their surname clean. Wrestles her other son’s shoulders down to the ground and shakes until the boy—the real Rin—gurgles and sloshes up inside. Do something, Rin. Do something! Or else you’ll never make it this lifetime.

Both, he could live with. But not this. The silence that burrows into his mind while he sleeps. The constant calling and the phone that just rings and rings and rings. It’s a circle, some sick sort of cycle. Every night he dreams of war—of sights and slights and stars. Things that end then don’t end then never end. He dreams until he wakes up screaming, on his hands and knees begging. Say something, will you? Anything. Fuck, why won’t you just say something?

Three years later and his brother still can't love him in a way he understands. 

But what did he expect? Sae was like that: pale and blistering, beautiful even when burning. Last dream cycle, his brother fell down three stories and erupted into flames, limbs compacted into fine dust. Should’ve screamed but didn’t. By the time Rin got down to him, Sae was already on his feet, sputtering soot from his lungs then flaring back up like nothing had ever happened. As if his hurt was merely bursts of light gathering and bunching, violence in free fall. 

And he was beautiful, Rin thinks. A boy of the blaze, man in the making, hair aorta-red, staring right back at him. By the time Sae opened his mouth, Rin’s arms were already open, ready to embrace the glittering shards. He crumpled before him as a building does a god, set alight on his brother’s palm. Strike me. He begged, blood around his mouth. Strike me anywhere and set me free. 

But that’s not what happens when you die. Not when his brother said it best.

I think I’d die and become a star. 

So he holds onto this life. Bunches it between fingers and twines it around his fist until he knows the person he’s dying for. Until he’s blacked out and dreaming in that damnable backseat again. Experiencing everything in the third person—the news, the screen, the slow-motion reels of an astral body wound up in constant replay. He can only watch as his brother slowly becomes a stranger in his own life again, and it guts him every time.

Sae Itoshi Dominates at Junior Championships, Secures Victory with Hat-Trick. Future Star? Sae Itoshi’s Sensational Performance Stuns Fans and Scouts Alike.

Who the hell is Sae Itoshi? Man, celebrity, celestial body? Not even his brother knows. But what Rin has learned over these past few years is that all stars are really just dead people, housed in a mausoleum of glittery beginnings and explosive endings. It’s binary—circling, really. A blinking eye in the sky, ticking time bomb, crying corpse, then everything wailing before its implosion. Sae could never comprehend this. The smoke-sputtering reality beyond tangible substance. This form of dying. 

But dying isn’t even the worst part of it all. It’s people like him who suffer. Unlucky stars are cursed with another, forced to revolve around each other. If one collapses, the companion gets ejected out the deep end of space and time—stumbling, groping, searching. 

Three years later and he’s still searching. 

Hey Google: Can stars still be seen from Madrid? 

The results for light pollution pop up. In a city of light, even light cannot be seen. How ironic, he thinks, that Sae is now a shining thing, flaring tendrils a million light years away. Post-nebula and he still loses himself in people who look exactly like him.

But that past has already come and gone, leaving nothing but the future behind. In the next dream cycle, Rin too will die, sputtering and choking, like a firework lit from within—violence in free fall. And when the time comes, he will leap off the fire escape, the city blocks spinning and spinning, every second a little death. The faster he falls, the more alive he’ll feel. He’ll drop all the way down until the only way he can go is up. And then he’ll ascend, floating past the skyscrapers, the streets, the sprawling metropolis. His toes curled, caught on the hook of night, the burnt flesh peeling back on bone. Floating until he disappears, his body nothing but white light.

Someday his brother will drown himself in his own artificial brightness. And Rin will follow, screaming, rearing, and set ablaze.

If you die Nii-chan, I think I’ll die along with you.

─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───

There are rare moments when seasons die a sunless death, quiet and wilting into the earth. Rin’s final birthday without Sae falls on one such month—a red September during which nature bleeds, the autumn leaves rusting around Engakuji Temple. He’s taken up long walks during that time, pacing for hours around the park nearby. Something about taking his mind off things. Something about counting his own losses.

By late afternoon, his hands are shoved fist-deep into his coat pockets, on track to finish his ninth lap around the perimeter. The daylight has long pooled down his back, tiny dollops of brightness slow-dripping and honeyed, settling into the hollow divots of his spine. The mise-en-scène frames him in a languorous ochre—the kind of lighting reserved solely for an aged romance. And the wind plays his lover, its post-meridian breath tender as it brushes against his cheek. It’s all a range of motions from there. He takes another step, adjusts a stray earbud, then tugs his scarf all the way up to his nose. Ten laps now, and he still walks. The only time he ever stops is when he stalls mid-way to check his phone. 

Zero messages received. Message not delivered.

His thumb hovers briefly over the send button. The cursor at the end blinks with an almost human hesitancy before it opens its mouth, swallowing everything back up. The screen clears itself again, reduced to nothing but absence: a small square of light where silence reigns. Rin sighs before trudging home, a thousand words lodged into the back of his throat.

Nii-chan, I miss you. 

The kitchen is empty by the time he slides open the shoji, removing his shoes with practiced ease before padding across the soft tatami. His mother’s gone on an errand for groceries, her hastily scrawled note tucked under his door with a bowl of persimmons. The house is empty, the joss sticks still smoking in the living room, tips warm and powder-soft. He grows heady on their incense, locking himself away in his bedroom and drawing the curtains. His old Fujitsu laptop whirrs to life, propped up against two pillows and an oversized owl plush. This time he puts on a splatter film, splayed on his stomach as he reels through the opening credits.

He can watch without the subtitles now, even converse with tourists at the station in Enoden. He recalls his teammates’ faces last Saturday—breaths held tender, jaws slackened with faux horror—when he gave out directions in perfect English. Sae would’ve been proud, if only he knew how much it meant. But lately, there hasn’t been a single interruption to Rin’s nights alone, despite how desperately he longs for one. The most his English is good for nowadays is translating the kooky foreign films he puts on rotation, ninety minutes of runtime for thirty-one evenings.

He must have gone through a dozen franchises by now: Halloween specials, 90’s vintage, slashers, the paranormal. The American flicks still remain his favorite, mostly because of the chainsaws. Something about the suspense of disembodiment scratches an itch inside his brain. Like the adrenaline before a final goal, moments before he implodes—naked body slathered in pools of primary color.

In the darkness, the films weave together: a tidal wave of light that washes down his bedroom walls. The victim shrieks before she is bathed in an eerie swathe of red, pierced at the helm of a bloodshot lens. Something about her death is both alien and terrifying, and Rin feels himself come alive again. 

At climax, the light from his laptop is nothing short of searing, carving-knife intensity digging slowly into thin, rousing bodies. He can only watch as the killer sharpens his blade, each stroke a day-bright epiphany, cutting little wounds into the night. His figure is lit up from behind, illuminated in such a way that Rin can see his organs and count every one of his ribs. The scene peels back like water, reflecting montage after montage on the glass display case next to his closet. The trophies electrify themselves in the shadows, each silhouette splayed neatly on the shelf and serrated round the rim. The metal handles distort the characters’ faces in two-frame slashes, decapitating nose from ear, eye from mouth. Another scream rips through the background as Rin digs graves into his palm. This time the murderer chases a mother down the stairs, gleeful when her child fails to keep up. 

He’s seen this scene play out before—three years and eleven months ago, when he first got himself killed. It’s the final match against Tokyo Metropolitan Youth, and he’s running on fumes, ten minutes into additional time. There’s only a few more meters to the goal area, the footsteps fast approaching from his left. He has to make an escape. The opponent closes in behind him, knife in hand, and all he can do is run, body barreling straight toward the camera. 

The impact hits him right before the shot, his leg flaring out in some desperate attempt at a goal. The ball soars as he stumbles forward—violence in free fall, the boy inside him lit from within. In the final moments before he combusts, time stretches itself thin over his bones, smoking and exorcized from the fire. The shadow of his killer looms behind him, arm raised with the promise of metal and memory, the blade gleaming in sparse light. 

Got you.

The child on screen turns around, facial features contorted in dramatic horror. Rin can hear her scream before the lips even part. He can already predict this ending. He can predict the next one after this too. Plight of the final girl: last to die but forever immortalized in her own grief and helplessness.

In six months, he will be named the most valuable player for Kamakura United Youth. In another six, he will be hollowed from the inside out, cursed to feel only the loss inside every win. This motion picture has rewound itself one too many times, the credits rolling and taking him along with them. End scene and he’s standing there in a pool of his own triumph—the grass strewn with painted carcasses—a thousand boys dead at his feet. His knees make hard contact with the earth, nothing but penitence in his eyes. This is all he knows: love and its smoking aftermath, the weight of it iron-hot on his tongue. Victory has never tasted so bitter. 

But it always ends the same. For the final girl, the film star, everyone crucified by the crowd. All good auteurs come from a long line of men who have already run out of time, color pooling past their waists, crashing in over their heads. They don’t want to die, so they preserve their souls into billboards, spool strands of silence into substance. They only shoot what is in their blood: the sensational guts, glory, and gore. Because what better way to keep your memory alive than burn it onto the emulsion side of thirty-five millimeter filmstrip?

The red lights have begun to feel suffocating—the last of his breath now a belt around his neck—as the cameras pan down to a mutilated body. Rin secretly envies the child’s soaked shirtsleeves, the ground beneath her perfused in violent color. If only he could be filled with something that beautiful. But instead he was given the body of a pale child filled with longing, constantly waiting for a change and constantly wishing for something to flow out of him. 

Eventually the clock strikes twelve and Rin closes his laptop, the backs of his eyelids whited out, brain overstimulated from the psychedelic screams. His brother’s portrait blurs in his peripheral vision, overexposed from the red glow, staring up at him from the cluttered nightstand. And in the moment, he briefly wonders if Sae left Japan in search of a new image. Perhaps Spain was just ninety minutes of solid technicolor screen where people could scream without horror, where the protagonist could freely bleed. And in the end, there was no death. The audience remains seated in theaters, their memories replaying over and over, bodies forever housed in cinema.

At the director’s cut, Rin’s consciousness falls under, hand still clutching the frame. End scene and Sae’s blown-out face smiles just a little into the darkness.

© verysium 2024 / please do not translate, repost, or plagiarize any of my works

[narcjsistx]

— 𝐑𝐄𝐆𝐑𝐄𝐓 | Reo Mikage

𝐖𝐎𝐑𝐃𝐒: 4.9k (4964)

𝐓𝐘𝐏𝐄: fluff / angst

𝐏𝐋𝐎𝐓: dreams that always seemed achievable don't always remain so. pro!player Reo Mikage, adult AU. mention of death, guns, suicide (not described and not heavy to read)

The air is tense, the whole stadium doesn't even dare to breathe. The few who speak do so to pray, pray that that damned goal enters the net and thus marks the team's victory. The most audible noise is that of football boots running on the green lawn, and of the hits the ball receives in the shooting area. Everyone trembles, even the security or cleaning workers who stopped only to witness the possible victory or defeat

The ball flies into the air, a member of the enemy team tries to catch it but it is promptly passed back by a teammate. Even the smallest second counts in matters like these, so all enemy defenders try to regain possession of the ball as quickly as possible. It's a matter of less than a second when someone emerges from midfield, shoes tightly tightened and a blue uniform dressed with honour

With a sharp kick, the ball ends up in the net without even giving the goalkeeper the chance to realize which direction it is coming from

The stadium explodes, the screams become even too loud for the human ear to bear. The winning team cries, everyone throws themselves on the person who kicked the winning goal: Reo Mikage, Japan striker and soon to be your future husband

You join in the screams, and the tears you had contained until then pour out like a raging river. Sitting in the stands dedicated to the players' families, you hug the jacket with the visible writing "Mikage #1 Fan" that you had taken off due to the heat. You look up at the field again and find your boyfriend's soft eyes staring at you: he looks at you in a special way, but with a look that is much more proud than any other time. His irises scream "Did you see? You're happy? Are you proud?" and you can't help but let out a nervous laugh as you wipe away your tears

From the large screen placed in front of you, Reo's goal is broadcast again, and immediately afterwards, a recording of your reaction is accompanied. You die of embarrassment, but after years of being his girlfriend you're used to things like this. While the cameras are still filming you and the screams are continuing, you come down from the stands quickly putting on your jacket; you jump the steps that separate you from the pitch and even before you get close to the net you find yourself in the arms of Reo, who has escaped from his teammates to run to you

You hold him tightly to you, while he surrounds your waist with his body now all wet with sweat. The purple hair plastered to his forehead and his still slightly short breath make him so damn cute that you're surprised not to find any small or hidden imperfections in him. Even after being engaded to him for 10 years, every day you fall in love with Reo Mikage again

"You were very good" you whisper, remaining hugged to him, feeling his body trembling with emotion "Really very good" you say, breaking away from his embrace, while he holds you close to him, placing his hands on your hips. You dry your tears laughing, but he moves your hand away and with a thumb he wipes away the last tears at the edge of your eyes "It's thanks to you. Knowing that you were here only gave me determination" he says, wiping away the last tear, to then place a sweet kiss on your forehead

"REOOOOOO" shouts one of his teammates, who motions for him to come to the center of the field where they are opening some sparkling wines. You laugh at the emotional faces of his colleagues, however you notice a bit of dissent on his face "What's bothering you now?" you ask, and he pulls you into another hug "I want to stay here with you" he sighs, and even though you want this too, you know he has to celebrate because he won a really important match "Don't worry. I'll wait for you here" you say caressing him sweaty hair, and even though he doesn't seem to agree, he accepts. You break away from the hug, but before you can even turn around he pulls you by the wrist and, placing his hand halfway down your back, kisses you. The stadium erupts into another roar, and the image of the hottest couple of the moment is broadcast on the arena's big screen

You place your free hands on his cheeks, smiling as he presses his lips to yours. He breaks away shortly after and without saying a word, he runs away with his teammate. You remain enchanted by the kiss for a few more seconds, but you immediately compose yourself, and with a feeling of lightness, you step aside a little. You enjoy his happiness from afar, the emotion that lives in him as he lifts the cup while he is at the center of his team, who celebrate him like never before. Today's match was particularly complicated, fortunately ending with a 6-5 after almost the entire second half of the game was characterized by yellow cards. Today's match brings home an old trophy that Japan hadn't won for 27 years, but thanks to your boyfriend, can once again say it's Japanese property

The players enjoy moments of happiness after 90 minutes, including 2 extra minutes, of pure agony. Immediately someone is picked up by journalists for the usual interviews, but a large part rushes towards Reo with microphones and cameras ready to record his words. You understand that at the moment you can't be with him because he will surely have to have some interviews, so you decide to take his bag from the side of the field and stand at the end of the crowd of journalists, who otherwise will crush you

"Anxious?" asks a voice you recognize well "Enough. You? You just won a game, Nagi" you say turning, where you find your boyfriend's best friend, who seems to have escaped from the journalists "Nothing overly exciting. I just sweated more than expected" he says doing a few close to you, taking Mikage's bag "I'll bring it to him when we go to the locker room, don't worry" he says, knowing you can't say no "Thank you, and above all... you were very good too" you say crossing arms, finally with free hands. The boy shrugs, then continues straight where a line of journalists begins to follow him. You giggle at the scene, and before you can notice, Reo steps forward into the crowd of reporters only to pull you by the wrist and make you come with him “What do you want to do?” you ask entering the crowd of people, who however let you pass quite a bit "My wife can participate in the interviews, right?" he says giving you a determined look, and your heart skips a beat at that moment

Reo had proposed to you about six months ago, and at the end of this month, you would have become husband and wife. You had been together since he was 19 and you were 18, having met thanks to Ego's strange experiment: you worked as Anri's assistant, and more than a few times you had happened to sneak from the control room to some training camp. You once came across a former teammate of his in training, who, seeing a woman after months of "prisoner" inside the Blue Lock, had had a rather excessive reaction. Hearing your screams as you ran into the training field while escaping from the boy who proclaimed a kiss, someone had decided to check what was happening: that someone was Reo

Reo had more or less calmed down his teammate, giving you the option to lock yourself in one of the locker rooms for protection. Once the boy left, Mikage came to the locker room to check on your condition and, despite knowing that it was not legal for you to be there, he asked Anri and Ego to have you checked by a doctor to make sure that you were okay. That was your first meeting 11 years ago, and throughout his stay at the Blue Lock facility, you communicated through letters you hid in the cafeteria. Knowing that you certainly couldn't meet him, you had hidden a letter of thanks in the tray that you knew would end up with him. A few days later, while cleaning the cafeteria under Anri's orders, you found a reply letter from him, hidden in the empty rice bowl. You had sent a letter again, hiding it in the tray, and he had replied to you again. This has been your method of communication for over two years, until his exit by elimination

From the first letter, you had started rooting for him in every match, and maybe for you it was even love at first sight. Reo was one of the last to leave the Blue Lock, but he was practically immediately taken into an equally strong Japan team, and then with a bit of luck, he still managed to join the official Japan team at the end. As soon as he left the facility, you introduced yourself to him, and after not even a few months of knowing each other, he was actually the one who asked you to be his girlfriend. You had been together for 10 years now and every day you were grateful that you had the chance to be with such a fabulous guy. You had met his parents almost immediately, and you were quite surprised to find out about his family's heritage, which Reo didn't show off out

Together, you arrive in front of the journalist's cameras, who welcomes both of you with a light smile. "What were we saying?" says the boy, holding you close, putting his arm around your shoulders "Oh, we were talking about the match. The goal was decisive for the team's victory, and the fact that it was scored by you, who at the moment is one of the most loved and followed, it makes the fans crazy about you" says the man holding the microphone "Even for me it is unthinkable to have made the winning move for such an important match, but I had already thought of having to do it today to dedicate it to her. The goal is for Japan, but above all for my wife" he says in one breath, and the cameras get closer and closer. The journalist bursts into genuine laughter, while your cheeks get a little redder at his words "Prove your power to your wife, huh? But if I'm not mistaken, your wedding is still a few days away" says the man, and Reo nods "The wedding will be on the 28th of this month, but I have considered Y/n my wife for a long time already. The wedding is just an excuse to see her in the white dress" he says jokingly, and everyone bursts in a laugh, including you "I understand. So we can already call you Y/n Mikage, miss?" the man says, shifting his attention to you "Oh, if you want to, do it. It pleases me enormously" you nod, and Reo kisses your hair delicately, and you can already imagine the myriad of edits you will see when scrolling through Tiktok or Instagram of this scene

"Well, I don't know what else to say other than to congratulate you on your upcoming wedding. Are there any other plans in mind, work or personal?" the journalist asks, and at the same moment you and Reo turn to look at each other, a little thoughtful "Work... I think I'll continue with the Japanese team, I struggled to get into the team and above all I can't abandon my best friend and the other teammates alone... personal, in addition to marriage..." Reo says not really wanting to answer the question "We will have a family. We would like to have two or three children" you say answering the question. You know well that Reo didn't want to answer because neither of you had decided to tell the world, because you had talked about the 'children' issue relatively recently but you both agreed with the idea of ​​having them immediately after marriage "What she said" Reo says sighing, but with a smile on his face

The journalist nods, thanks for the time dedicated and leaves room for others, who would only like to have the same answers you gave to the man "Can you do me a favor? Can you waiting for me in front of the locker room? I should take a while and I know you won't particularly love answering the questions they ask you" he says while another journalist positions himself in front of you, with the microphone ready "Sure, see you there" you say, stepping aside, and you mentally thank him since sooner or later some journalist will ask you he would ask some strange question, as has already happened in some interviews where you appeared at the request of the television stations

Once you arrive at the door, you wait there for about twenty minutes. Some teammates start to enter, greeting you because they know you anyway. Nagi arrives after a while, with Reo's bag "He's still finishing the interviews, he told me it will take a while longer. Do you need a ride home?" the boy asks before entering the locker room "I want to wait for him, maybe I'll sit in the stadium cafeteria" you say shaking your hand, greeting him. Nagi nods and enters the room, and soon after, the rest of the players leave, and you hear them talking about a certain dinner

About another hour passes before you see Reo pop into the hallway. “Still here?” he asks, seeing you from afar, motioning for you to enter the locker room with him because he's the only one who still has to change "I waited" you say nodding, sitting on the central bench of the room, while your boyfriend opens his locker "It was more tiring answering everyone's questions rather than winning the game..." he says sighing, taking off his player t-shirt filled of sweat "I suspected it. Did they ask you any particular questions?" you ask as you see him grab a change of underwear, before also taking off his shorts and his underwear; although naked, you've seen him so many times that you're no longer surprised "Oh, one about marriage. They asked me if I forced you to marry me just to maintain a homosexual relationship with Nagi" he says rolling his eyes, entering the showers of the changing room. You burst out laughing at his answer, trying to avoid the tears caused by laughter "With Nagi? You should collaborate less on the field, then" you say passing him the bubble bath

"Ugh, don't make me think. When they asked me that question I didn't know whether to slap the reporter or not. Hell, I'm getting married in less than two weeks!" he says annoyed, pointing to the shampoo "These are questions made specifically to create hype, don't worry" you say passing him the shampoo, which he passes through his purple hair "Tired?" you ask, seeing him wash himself. “A little. But I think I have plans tonight, or rather, we have” he says, water splashing on him "What do you mean?” you ask in surprise "The team was talking about a possible dinner at a restaurant to celebrate the victory. Players and girlfriends included" he says turning off the shower jet on his hair to rinse it "Oh! I understand, some of them were talking about it when they came out of the locker room" you say remembering the boys who were talking about it earlier "I would like not to go and spend the evening at home, possibly in bed, but my father finances that restaurant... I think we have to go" he says sighing, wrapping a towel around his waist before getting out of the shower

"Okay. Do you know what time?" you ask crossing your legs “I think 10pm” you say as he dries himself off grabbing another towel. Reo puts on his underwear, his hair still a little wet and his chest clean and smelling good. You smile at him, motioning for him to sit on the bench "Rest a bit. I'll take care of the hair" you say, getting up, taking the hairdryer from the locker room, which you pass through your boyfriend's hair as soon as it's turned on. Reo relaxes as you run your hand through his hair, the warm air drying it quickly and making the room slightly warmer. You comb them delicately, and then put them in the little ponytail that he usually always wear

"Thank you" he says when he sees through the mirror of the room that you have done "You're welcome!" you say, leaving a kiss on his cheek. Before you can even break the closeness, he places his arm around your waist, holding you close to him; you place your hands on his bare chest and feel him relax a little as he hugs you "I can't wait for the wedding day" he whispers close to your ear, tightening his grip "The idea of ​​seeing you shine in your wedding dress, I can't get her out of my head. I've always been annoyed by crying in front of others but I think that day I'll care less than nothing" he says, leaving a few kisses on your neck, not in a lustful way, but rather in an affectionate way. You wrap your hands around his neck and let your bodies touch "Bride of the Mikage heir... I'll take your surname too, how strange" you say resting your forehead on his shoulder, with his chest heaving he lowers and raises slowly "Y/n Mikage. I could die, once everything is official" the boy says, and a small laugh spontaneously escapes your lips "And yet it will happen soon. What we have been planning since we got together so many years ago is about to happen" you say enjoying the contact with your future husband. This time Reo is the one chuckling, as he breaks away for a few moments just to look at your face "I may not be the strongest attacker in the world, but I think I won in another way" he says, and you look at him fascinated, affectionately throwing him a cheek "You are also the strongest striker in the world!" you say scolding him ironically, and both of you can't help but laugh

A few hours pass before you both find yourself at the entrance of the luxurious restaurant, chosen by the team coach. You shine in your long pearly white dress, adorned with a fur of the same color. Arm in arm with you is obviously Reo, who instead opted for a black suit. A crowd of photographers and more journalists fills the sides of the restaurant avenue, creating a crowd with also several fans. Reo greets everyone and more than a few people ask for his autograph, which he signs extremely quickly. Some fans greet you too, and you happily return the greeting: fortunately, Reo's fanbase loves you, or rather, loves your couple. You are trending on any app due to the news of the wedding, and every day you are happy to see the positive comments on social media under the posts dedicated to Reo's career, to you, or to your couple

The restaurant is one you already know because of Mikage's father, who let you dine in there, knowing the owner, for some dates or family reunion that you also attended. An entire room, larger than the house you used to live in before living with Reo, was taken over solely to hold all the players and their partners. You know some of the girlfriends of Reo's other colleagues, that you greet with a wave of the hand or by talking to those with you have familiar. Everyone present sits at the seats placed along the entire table, and you end up between Reo's seat and that of Honna, a girl wherewith you have a good relationship

The dinner proceeds peacefully, filled with the various toasts that the table makes for the team's upcoming victories. One topic that often comes up is your marriage, and both you and Reo are a little embarrassed to have to answer all the questions, but you know that people ask them with good intentions and not with malice

The evening drags on, and it's already past one in the morning when, by chance, you see some waiters passing by your table with some security guards. You're a little perplexed, and Reo seems to notice. "Did something happen?" he asks, leaning towards you a little more "I don't know. It's strange that some security guards passed..." you say thoughtfully, seeing how some of them have just closed the door of the room where you are. Reo turns around, also noticing the strange movement "I noticed" he says, returning to look at the movement near the door "Wait here" he says, and then asks Nagi and another teammate to get up with him. You watch him get up with the two boys, and with a slow pace they approach the door, where a couple of waiters have positioned themselves. You try to reassure yourself that it's just your stupid paranoia, so you calmly go back to the topic you were talking about with Honna. You spend more than 5 minutes talking, but Reo doesn't seem to come back: you turn around and he's still talking to the waiters, but why doesn't he come back? What are they talking about that makes the waiter seem so worried?

You apologize to Honna and get up, walking towards your boyfriend. The closer you get, the more you hear words you don't like, but you think they've simply changed the topic. You come up behind Reo, and gently tug at his jacket sleeve to get his attention "Hey" you say, and he turns around; his face looks very worried "Is something happening?" you ask. The boy looks down, sighing as he runs a hand through his hair "There's some problem outside the restaurant, some fans of the opposing team are making a mess..." he says, biting his lips. You look at him a little perplexed "Is it serious? You seem worried" you ask "The police are coming because they suspect he has a weapon, but it wouldn't be anything serious. He can't enter the restaurant with all that security" he says trying to smile, but you understand that he's only doing it so you don't worry "Reo, shouldn't we be leaving? We ask to leave through the back door of the kitchen..." you ask, resting your head against his shoulder, and he wraps his arms around your waist "Don't worry. It's nothing serious, really" he says kissing your forehead

Back at the table, however, your mind is a tangle of thoughts. In a remote corner of your mind, you think that the man's goal is Reo himself: after all, he kicked the decisive and victorious goal, and thanks to him if the enemy team lost. You tell yourself that these are useless worries, but you can't calm down. The dinner continues as if it were nothing, and no one has warned of the man's presence, probably kept secret from the team so as not to trigger unnecessary alarms. You sigh continuously and play nervously with the fabric of the tablecloth, trying to appear calm when you're not even a little. "Darling" he says suddenly grabbing your hand, massaging the palm gently "If you're not calm, let's go. I ask to get a taxi to pass as soon as possible and let's go home" he says as he continues to massage your hand, getting down on the thigh. You nod, and while Reo apologizes to the others for leaving so suddenly, you put your fur coat back on

He takes your wrist loosely, guiding you towards the exit where you know he'll ask to go through the kitchens. You breathe a sigh of relief knowing you're finally leaving, but you hear a window glass shatter. The whole room including you turns towards the main noise, where, scattered between the glass, a man is lying curled up on the floor

Many players and partners stand up, and you feel Reo's grip pushing you a little further behind him, behind his back. Everyone observes the man with a few pieces of glass stuck in his skin, and some waiter rushes towards the unknown person, and before anyone even realizes it, a gun is noticed hidden between his trousers and shirt

“Fuck" Reo says, placing a hand on your head to pull you down. Your breath catches in your throat when you see the weapon, pulling your boyfriend as far as you can under the shelter of a vase “Oh my god” you say panicked, starting to tremble. The man moves all the waiters who go against him, and more than a slight glance at the other players, his attention is completely captured by Reo. The emblem clearly visible on the man's shirt is that of the team that lost today

"Please, hide yourself better near the vase" you say again behind his back, but Reo only dismisses you by keeping an arm around you, keeping you firmly covered "Don't move" he orders you as he tries to hide you. The trembling is also joined by tears, which fall silently due to panic "Reo please listen to me, hide" you say practically begging him, but he doesn't seem to give in "Don't worry, put yourself here" he says, forcing you under the protection of vase. You hold his arm close to you, crying into it “I'm fine" he says, turning away for a second, but it doesn't take long before his body jolts suddenly

A little further away, the man with the gun pointed at your boyfriend, fires the shot. The bullet runs fast, landing precisely against Reo's back. Your boyfriend freezes, moving his pupils towards his chest where the tip of the bullet exits his chest. Your mind stops at the precise moment Reo gasps, and still in shock, his body ends up against yours. You find Reo's head on your shoulder, your chests against each other where you feel your dress quickly getting stained with blood. His blood

“Oh my god...” you say not daring to look down where your boyfriend is “Oh my god...” you say louder as your breathing becomes erratic. You dare to look at your boyfriend for just one second, and it's enough for you to burst into a desperate scream as you try to fix him in front of you. "REO!" you scream holding his cheeks, moving your hands to his shoulders “REO DAMN ANSWER ME” you scream even louder, but his gaze seems completely blank. Your gaze wanders between his face, the wound that's getting bigger and bigger, and the way he's slowly breathing more and more laboriously

You tremble like a wet dog, trying to stay calm because you know it's the only thing you can do at the moment "Reo, please, answer me" you say shaking him slightly, but beyond a light batting of his eyelashes, no reactions come from him. The world falls on you the moment you see his chest swell in a last desperate attempt to breathe. "Reo I'm begging you, give me a sign that you're okay" you say as you observe him, and the more seconds pass, the more you feel that your boyfriend is abandoning you. Out of nowhere a small smile appears on his lips, he closes his eyes and with difficulty moves closer to your ear

“I love you, I love you, I love you, I really do, darling. Thank you for making me so happy when you gave me the chance to be your husband"

Reo utters words before collapsing onto you, with his head on your shoulder. His chest no longer moves and you no longer hear his heart beating

You remain paralyzed, your hands unable to touch his back. You stop breathing the same moment Reo leaves. The heaviness of the world falls on you, and in passing, you momentarily see before you a possible scene that could soon have happened: you and Reo with two wedding rings on your fingers, while you have children around you who laugh and play peacefully

You explode into a desperate scream, calling the name of your now dead husband. You look for signs of life in his face, but what you see is only horrible death; you hold him close, bursting into desperate tears. Everyone is probably watching you, even your lover's killer. The pain you feel in this moment is unlike any in the world: it is a wound that is not yet finished, which is slowly tearing your flesh apart while it enjoys your torment, and you already know that even if it never heals, it will never be completely healable

Morning newspaper: Tokyo Today News - 28/08

Journalist: "Y/n Y/s, girlfriend of the recently deceased Reo Mikage, heir to the Mikage fortune and important player of the Japanese team as a striker, was found dead this morning. The woman left a letter specifying that she took her own life because she has been empty since the day she lost her lover. If they were both alive, they should have gotten married today... line to the studio, stay tuned for the next news"

[etoiile]

RAINY REDEMPTION

synopsis: your ex-boyfriend shows up at your doorstep, soaked from the rain and hoping for a second chance.

starring mikage reo!

genre(s): angst/comfort, fluff at the end, exes to lovers wc- 1.4k

notes: first time trying angst like this. hope you enjoy!!

the last person you had expected to see upon opening your door was your ex-boyfriend of 2 months, mikage reo. he stood before you, soaked from the rain from head to toe, wearing a sheepish smile that contradicted the unease in his eyes. "can i come in?" he asked, his voice laced with uncharacteristic hesitancy. "it's really pouring outside."

stunned and speechless, you merely gestured for him to enter, an invitation he swiftly accepted. as you darted wordlessly to fetch a towel, a tumult of thoughts stormed your mind, each raindrop that fell echoing a question.

what was he doing here? why was he out in the rain? he never ventured into this part of town. what's going on?

shaking off these thoughts, you handed him the towel. grateful, he quickly began drying his hair – the beautiful, fluffy hair you used to run your hands through, to which he'd almost purr as he melted into your touch. the hair that had been long enough for you to braid and accessorize, filling an entire album on your phone dedicated to the different looks you'd given him. it had been months since you last saw it, and now, with no explanation, it was in your apartment.

breaking the silence, you questioned, "what are you doing here, reo?" your voice, calm and level, carried a coldness unfamiliar to him. he disliked it greatly.

"i was taking a walk, and it started raining." he answered simply.

you knew immediately and without a doubt that he was lying. you knew him best, after all.

eyeing him, you demanded, "what are you really doing here?"

a chuckle escaped his lips. that low, boyish chuckle that still sent shivers down your spine. he scratched the nape of his neck before nervously joking, "you got me. you always did know when i was lying."

"what are you doing here, reo?" you snarled, a sharp edge to your voice.

panic and fear washed over his features before he blurted,

"i still love you, y/n."

you took a moment to process his words before your entire world began to spin before your eyes.

your heart pounded, and your vision got fuzzy. your knees went weak, feeling like they might give out. nausea hit you hard, and you wanted to faint, cry, and run away—all at once. it was like a rainstorm of emotions hitting you like a torrent, messing with your whole system.

"..no."

"no?"

"no!" you screamed, tears flowing. instinctively, reo reached out to wipe them away, but you slapped his hand away, making him wince.

"you cannot," you sobbed, "break my heart, tell me it's over, and not talk to me for months,"

reo's eyes began to water too.

"and then come marching back to me, and tell me you fucking love me, reo. no. you cannot do that to me."

"y/n," reo started, but you cut him off.

"i," you breathed through tears, "was just starting to get over you, to come to terms with the fact that you didn't want me around anymore."

by now, reo was freely crying too.

"and then you just waltz through my doorway to tell me you love me? are you kidding me?"

"y/n," reo tried to start again, coming as close to you as he thought you'd let him. "i'm so sorry."

"you're sorry? that's it?" you spat angrily.

"hurting you," he uttered, "was the greatest mistake of my entire life."

gently, he took your hands in his, relief washing over him when you didn't push him away.

"i did so much to tell myself that i'd be fine, that you were just another girl, and i'd find someone else." you almost rolled your eyes.

"but it wasn't true," he breathed. "not one bit. not even close. no one," he squeezed your hands, "could ever come close to you."

"i miss your voice. i miss your laugh. i miss waking up in the morning and seeing you smile. i miss spending time with you doing anything: cuddling and a movie, buying groceries, baking things, going to restaurants. y/n, i miss you so much my entire body hurts when someone mentions your name. i miss you, y/n, and i'm so, so sorry that i hurt you."

you're sobbing uncontrollably now, and his heart aches, knowing he's the one who made you this way. he'd always hated seeing you cry, but he hated it a thousand times more when he was the cause. he vowed to never make you cry like this ever again if you decided to let him back in.

hesitantly, he reached up to your face, fingers trembling with the fear that you'd push him away once more. luckily, you don't. you don't slap him, nor do you yell at him. instead, you let him tenderly wipe the tears from your skin, a silent ode to his love. it felt like a soothing melody in the midst of chaos, a gentle reassurance. you allowed him to cup your tear-stained face, a silent acknowledgment that, in this fragile moment, a sliver of hope had found its way into both of your hearts.

"y/n, i need you. the months we've spent apart have torn me apart completely. so much so that i couldn't even get out of bed to get to practice. nagi had to come get me out of bed, and that should really tell you something."

he winced as he observed your unamused expression, then took a deep breath.

"i know i can't change the past. no matter how much i wish i could, i will never be able to take back the harsh words i said. i will never be able to undo my horrible actions. i know i was a terrible boyfriend to you, y/n, but please. i love you. i know i need to respect your wishes and boundaries, but if you still love me too, i'm not going anywhere." he looked at you desperately, his purple orbs silently pleading with you. "do you?"

silence lingered, the air thick with trepidation. then, you broke down again, burying your head in his shoulder. "of course i do," you mumbled softly, sobbing. relief deluged his body, and his hold on you tightened ever so slightly.

"reo, i love you with every fiber of my being. i love you so much that i never stopped thinking about you for a single minute since we split. i love you so much it took all of my willpower not to jump into your arms the moment i opened the door. reo, i love you so much that it scares me." you confessed, your voice no higher than a whisper. if he hadn't been desperately clinging onto your every word and move, he wouldn't have heard it.

"then please. one more chance. we can make this work, i promise. i swear to you with my life that i'll be better. i'll make you happy. i'll do everything in my power to be the best lover you've ever had." he looks at you anxiously, trying to read your expression. "we can take it slow. ease back into it. but please don't give up on me, on us, just yet. im begging you."

in the quiet aftermath that followed his plea, a heavy silence settled. the air thickened as his words lingered, creating an atmosphere filled with uncertainty and anticipation. your contemplative gaze met his desperate one, and for a moment, time stood still.

"please, y/n. i need you."

you stayed silent for a bit, and he held his breath the entire time. his heart was beating so fast he thought it'd leap out of his body.

"ok." you finally sighed. "let's give it another shot."

elation, bright as the sun after rain, soared through his body as he engulfed you in his embrace. the warmth flooded all your senses as he squeezed you tight, never wanting to let you go.

"thank you," he whispered, tears soaking your shirt. "thank you so, so much."

a nod subtly affirmed, an unspoken acknowledgment of the gravity in the air. "yeah," you breathed gently, taking in what had just occurred. "it'll be ok. we'll be ok."

"i love you," he sobbed, the words pouring out in earnest. "i love you so, so much."

excitement and joy rushed through his body like a heavy downpour upon hearing the four magical words you next uttered:

"i love you too."

© 𝐄𝐓𝐎𝐈𝐈𝐋𝐄 𝟐𝟎𝟐𝟒 please do not copy or repost my work on any other site. interactions appreciated! 🤍

[kitorin]

one more time.

contents. 6.031k words (gave up on proof reading i'm sorry-), second chance romance, hurt to comfort, author + psychologist reader, swearing, nsfw (not smut just mentions), getting drunk, one nightmare, abandonment issues, kaiser’s terrible with people, it takes a while for kaiser to appear

part two to this

a/n. i guess you could read this as a stand alone, but a lot of the details won't make as much sense (like they'd have a lot more relevance and meaning if you've read part 1). and you're being referred to by your first name by your nephew for the sake of keeping it gn

"y/n?"

Your nephew's question brings some of your attention towards him, with the rest focusing on the road. Rain droplets raced along the windows, and he must've gotten bored of guessing which one was the fastest. 

"Yeah? What's up?"

"When are you getting married?"

The innocent yet so significant question made you choke on your own spit. It was unexpected for a child to not gag at the idea of intimacy and love, let alone one questioning your marital status.

"Why are you asking something like that?" You carefully dodge the question, given that you have little to no experience with any sort of romance, the closest to love was an eternity ago. Despite graduating from college already, nothing about that had changed.

"Well." He begins explaining himself. "Mama and papa met each other in high school, they got married when they were younger than you." Unlike you, your sibling had a quite successful love life, already married and with a child. The fact that they were even high school sweethearts seemed to only accentuate your sorrowful envy.

"Your parents were lucky. Not everyone gets to meet the person they love forever in high school. Even if they do not everyone ends up marrying them." It was a difficult approach. You wanted him to fully understand the possible outcomes of love but didn't want him to avoid it entirely. "Love is dumb luck. Sadly, not everyone ends up loving someone who loves them back."

"Hmm." He sounds like he's deep in thought, which also surprised you given that he was still young and oblivious to these sorts of discussions. "Were you unlucky? Is that why you're not married?"

The query stung a bit. Not necessarily because it hurt to be reminded of him, but because it wasn't mere misfortune. It was ultimately up to him to act that way. 

"Hmm, I guess. Your father got all the luck I suppose." You chuckle, an attempt to conceal that your heart was begging for some sort of closure, even after all this time. 

"But that's not fair."

A sigh leaves your lips as you continue. "It isn't. But that's just life."

"What happened to them? Did they not like you?"

"They did at one point. I think. It was pretty obvious but after I liked them back, they became a bad person" It felt so weird. You've bottled up all the memories and emotions, sealing them away from the world, yet with this tiny child you've decided to open up. It's odd, but not uncomfortable.

"They're dumb." 

"You can't say that. It's not their fault for not liking me-"

"But you're amazing. You always spend time with me since Mama and Papa are too busy to. You bring back yummy snacks and tell the best stories. You even teach me so many new things. You're the best person ever." 

Although misery from the past had been reawakened and nurtured at the topic of the conversation, his kindness seemed to combat that, you can't help but grin.

"I'm glad you appreciate that."

"You deserve better!" 

That makes your breath hitch up, a weird, indescribable sensation accumulates in your chest, and for the first time in a while your eyes begin to prickle. 

You blink away the sensation. Three, simple words uttered by a literal child, yet it seems to affect you so much to the point you're moved to tears. 

Because no one ever told you that.

No accusations of you being delusional and crazy. No sort of discomfort inflicted through others attempting to make it public. 

It was what you've been waiting to hear for so long.

"Thanks bud. Keep this a secret from everyone else, yeah?" You come to a stop at a red light, turning towards him with a grateful smile.

He mimes zipping his lips. "Of course!"

"I know everyone's asking about me getting married, but it won't happen."

"Why?"

"Because." Because you feel undeserving of it. Because you're terrified of being abandoned like that again. Because you're simply just scared. "Because it just won't. I'd rather focus on making sure you and your parents are happy."

"Am I supposed to do that when I'm older?"

"Maybe not to my level. Make sure you treasure your family, but your lover too." Now that piece of advice makes you wonder what it'd be like if you got lucky.

"I don't want to get married even if I'm lucky. I want to be cool like you and take care of family too."

"Then do that. But don't close off your heart completely. Your dad didn’t think of love when he was a kid, look at him now. But it's completely okay if you don't love anyone." Obviously, you'd support him no matter what, but a part of you desperately wished that he'd be lucky enough to never experience what you did.

He nods but changes the topic. "What about you? You seemed happy when you talked about that person. A different kind of happy."

What was that supposed to mean?

"It's just nostalgia."

"That's a hard word. What does it mean?"

"You'll learn when you're older. Promise." And with that you dodge the topic of love, adjusting the conversation to one about the new Doraemon episode he watched the other day.

"Holy shit Ness look at how good they are at this."

"Fucking useless."

"Please help me with trig, I'm begging you. Really? Thank you so much."

"That's such a bitch move. Class average was so low, yet they're still scared of showing their high B. Fucking pussy."

"I love you."

Fuck. 

Another nightmare. It's only a mess of his words, both the good and the bad; followed by overwhelming dread and fear swallowing you. A wave of relentless cold engulfing you and drowning you in the depths of torment.

The dream leaves you drenched in sweat and panting. It doesn't fucking make sense. It's been years, you were only kids and now you're an adult. Yet it still leaves you so affected. You don't even clearly remember what he looked like. Only the cerulean orbs and the blonde wolf cut. 

Most people brush off any sort of heartbreak in high school as trivial and temporary, yet yours has clung onto your heart so persistently, that it still constantly haunts you. 

Nothing's working. Attempting to date others only accentuated your paranoia and abandonment issues. Trying to open up to trusted ones caused the words to get stuck in your throat, to the point it feels suffocating. You even wrote an entire book about it; sure, it was effective in expressing yourself and it was a huge hit and profitable, but something deep down still hurts. 

You keep trying and trying, heart craving for closure. But the only way you'd satisfy that miserable desire is through meeting him.

Only you know that so damn well.

Maybe that's why you keep fiercely trying. It's your own way of hopelessly trying to escape him.

But it's futile. It's so draining.

It doesn't matter though. It should stop soon. It's such a stupid thing to be sad over. You're successful, a now bestselling author known for your beauteous expression of love and hurt, while still working as a psychologist. You've achieved something majority of people couldn't do, and you're seeing the fruits of diligence and hard work. But it still hurts.

You do your best to shrug off this sense of dread, focusing on what's important. 

"Thank you for today!"

Your nephew wore his signature grin, one that was adorable and so full of joy. It was almost impossible to not smile back at him. 

With the commencement of school holiday, you decided to take him to a nearby soccer match, France vs Germany. You didn't know anything about soccer, but he loves the sport, constantly practicing and rambling about Julian Loki (a.k.a. his favourite player of all time) You got extremely lucky, if it weren't for Yoichi and his connections to the JFA you wouldn't've been able to surprise your nephew. Yoichi wasn't prepared to see you constantly thank him ("You're my closest friend, your nephew's a good kid too. Lemme coach him some day!"). He even managed to get you three VIP seats.

"Yocchan, how do I win more? I want to shoot the most goals in my team!"

You passively listen to Yoichi's advice for your nephew, as you can't understand or contribute to the conversation much. It's impressive how people play with this many people watching. The whole stadium was flooded with people, except for the VIP section but that was purely due to how expensive it was. 

"Ladies and gentlemen, I welcome you to France vs Germany!" The commentator booms, earning a cheer from everyone. You expected it to be loud, but not to the point you think your eardrums would burst. 

The event went on normally. Player names were read out, with an energetic screech from your nephew when it was Loki's turn. At this point in time, you were pretty laid back, given that you recognized no one.

"Aaaaand Germany's ace and forward, Michael Kaiser!"

You froze. 

Michael Kaiser, the Michael Kaiser from back then? 

Finally, you have a vivid image of what he looks like. His blonde hair was partially dyed blue, the pretty shade slowly fading out, and navy roses decorated his neck. Red eyeliner adorned his almost feline like eyes. He looks almost unrecognizable yet he's still the boy who had a crush on you. 

Suddenly, VIP seats weren't so tempting anymore. Suddenly, you want to drag yourself out of there and ask Yoichi to supervise your nephew.

But he still looks beautiful.

"I hate that bitch." Same Yoichi, same, you silently agree with him. "He's insufferable and a fucking prick."

"Language." Although you'd agree with him, it was a bit too early for your nephew to start speaking like Yoichi (though you wouldn’t mind him learning how to verbally defend himself from Yoichi).

It's only 90 minutes. There's over 20,000 people. Kaiser won't notice. Besides, high school was years ago. He's a professional player and seemingly a famous one, he would've met plenty of players and coaches, too many to even remember your existence.

You suck up your fear, the three of you cheering on Loki.

"Do you think I can be like Loki?"

The game concluded, and to your nephew's joy with France's win, 3 - 2. To be honest, you were still clueless about the sport, but you could at least tell Loki lived up to his name, rapidly scoring and leaving his opponents in the dust.

"Of course, you could be better than him!" You appreciate Isagi's support but that probably wasn't the right thing to say in an environment full of soccer fans. Nor the smartest.

"I'm going to head to the bathroom, I'll meet you outside." You hurry away, ready to get out of the stadium.

You were being too paranoid earlier, obviously nothing would happen. To a national athlete like him, someone he hurt all the way back in high school, someone who he entirely ignored for a few years too.

"Fucking found you."

As if the universe was transpiring against you once more, you're dragged into some unknown corridor, a hand silencing you.

It's him.

Michael Kaiser, now a full-grown adult. His high school popularity bloomed into real world fame and glory now. While your success had sprouted from seeds of hurt. 

Now you're pressed up against a wall by him again. This time with his arms having an iron grip on your shoulders, roughly pushing you against the wall.

You can't help but reflect on last time something like this happened. But instead of childish affection it’s aggressive and rough, with his aquamarine eyes clouded with something unreadable. That wasn't particularly new, but what changed was that the foreign but hostile glint flickering in them.

All Kaiser does is stare, hair messy from the match and breathing unstable.

You don't say anything either, you can't even think properly, let alone find the right words to say.

"I've waited for this for so fucking long. You're too distracting."

His arms wrap around you, tightly, as if his life depended on it.

You can't move. Your body won't let you. It's not like you were petrified with fear. It was more so all the conflict of emotions. You weren't sure if you wanted to reciprocate the hug, scream for help, or spit in his face and swear at him.

"Kaiser... Please let go."

He abides, partially, changing back to his original position of holding you against the wall.

"No."

"Please?”

" You always fight back when you're uncomfortable." He wasn't wrong, you didn't exactly hate being in his proximity. You hated how he treated you, and how he's suddenly here again.

"You don’t mind this, right?”

Despite his words, his releases you, allowing you to run away whenever.

But you don't.

Because even though it'd be smarter to run away and never see him again, the tiny hope within you is still pleading for closure, and Kaiser himself.

"Kaiser, I can't, my nephew-"

"Is with Yoichi." Kaiser brings his face a lot closer to yours. "If you wanted to run away, you would've already."

Both of you remain silent, as your cheeks heat up at his touch and presence. His hands reach towards your face to caress your cheeks, the roughness of his calloused hands contrasting your soft skin. Annoyingly, you whimper at the unfamiliar sensation. It earns a cocky smirk from him.

"Cute, you really haven't changed."

"I don’t want to see you."

"Why? We both know you would've already kicked and slapped me if you really hated me."

"Because" Because he scarred you beyond words. "Because you hurt me. A lot." Your voice cracks up at the end, he's the one person you didn't want to be vulnerable around, both before and after heartbreak. 

For the first time in forever, there's something vaguely readable in his eyes. Was that regret? Sorrow? Guilt? Empathy, even?

"I know, I could tell-"

"Then why did you do it?"

You've given up on sounding stoic, evident anger was displayed in your voice.

"I tried everything, dating other people. Yet you still haunt me to this day." Years of accumulated feelings were finally released. "Just when I finally figured out, I liked you, you fucking did that then, and then." The rest is cut off by him.

"... You liked me back...?" There's a significant shift in his tone, from cocky and confident to vulnerable and shocked. "You, liked me...?"

"Of course I fucking did Michael." A quiet gasp leaves his lips at the sound of you finally using his first name again. "You were so sweet and was always there no matter what, until you decided to hate me for no reason."

"No, I've never hated you-"

"Just stop lying. Please. First you lie about loving me and now-"

He swallows the rest of your words with a kiss, denying your claim. The kiss gives you butterflies, your cheeks heat up even more and his lips taste you and him; sweet and irresistible.

When he's done his face is flushed as well, lips swollen. His chest rises up and down, he seems more flustered from the kiss rather than the actual match itself.

It's back to the uncomfortable silence, his hands gripping your shoulders tight and various emotions clouding your mind and heart. 

Without a word, Kaiser just leaves. 

The action evokes a nostalgic yet dreaded emotion, it's just like how he initiates whatever he wants without considering anyone else. 

You swallow your hurt, leaving the hallway and finding Yoichi and your nephew.

You don't lie to your loved ones. You’d rather die than deceive your nephew or your best friend Yoichi. But tonight, was an exception. 

It's not like you wanted to make Yoichi baby sit your nephew ("Sorry, work suddenly called me in), but you were too hurt to spend time with anyone.

The bar's loud, all the noise drowns out your thoughts, as you're up to the nth bottle of alcohol, no one was keeping track.

It's out of character for you to drink so much, but the state of being disconnected from the world, not having to deal with any worries was irresistible. 

"You're drinking a lot." A stranger seated next to you comments, you don't bother questioning who they were.

"I desherve it." You slur out, evidently flat out wasted. "I hate men! Especially the German ones." A few glares were probably received after you said that.

"Why's that?" Their calm tone juxtaposed your upset and livid one. 

"Because, because, this bitch leaves me heartbroken for years, appears out of nowhere, kisses me and." You're cut off by a hiccup. "Disappears again! I, I-" You're a complete mess, hiccupping while chugging down alcohol, and now sobbing with tears messing up your expression. 

The stranger doesn't respond, taking a quick sip from his own glass.

"Did you know," You begin explaining, despite them not asking. "I did so much. I never wanted to date much but I tried to so I could forget him. I even went to a party, and I'm scared of those. Heck, I wrote a whole ass book! At least I can monetize my pain."

"You must hate this guy."

"Beyond words, he's the reason why I think everyone will leave me, but I still feel like I have some kind of hope. If you want to know more, you should read my book." Now you were self-promoting, but the alcohol diminishes your shame. At this point it wouldn't be surprising if people were concerned about how much you've drank. "There's no point of a stupid psychology honours degree if I can't fix myself."

All they do is chuckle, still calm. "I'll read it, and I'm sure he likes you back if he kissed you. There's nothing about you to fix." 

You burst into laughter; you sound borderline manic. "That's what I thought after he said he loved me." Another glass, swallowed down by you with ease.

"After all, there's no way the Michael Kaiser would actually love me."

The next morning you wake up, with a splitting headache and swollen eyes. 

You try to get up and get started with the day, but the lights are so blinding, only amplifying the splitting headache. 

How much did you drink? 

Now you start remembering last night, the (probably) unhealthy amount you drank, your inconsolable bawling and that mysterious yet kind stranger. Your immediate reaction is to grab your pillow with plans of screaming into it, out of embarrassment, praying that you'll never meet that person again and that they'll forget who you are.

Wait.

Since when were your pillow cases white? 

And where did your bookcase go? What about the drawings from your nephew and childhood you cherished and decorated your room with? And what happened to your clothes, since when did you own white robes?

Shit.

"Finally awake?"

Your eyes have finally adjusted to the light, and blinding white melts into something, no, someone.

Kaiser. 

He's seated at the end of the bed, white robe matches yours, with his exposing his toned and muscular chest, and the navy roses blooming on his neck.

What the hell happened. 

It's as if your fight or flight response was triggered, and your brain decided on flight with full confidence, you scurry backwards, avoiding him like the plague.

"Did we-?" The new and completely different outfit and waking up in his bed were obvious hints.

He blinks. 

There's no fucking way. 

"Did you at least use protection? If I get fucking chlamydia because of you, I'll ki-" 

Kaiser laughs. So hard that it sounds like he can barely breathe.

"I didn't say we slept together. The y/n who never understood anything remotely sexual, instantly assuming we went that far." He composes himself, "No, we did not fuck. You were too drunk to consent."

"Then..." Your hands grip at the robe.

"Nothing happened. All I did was give you that to change into"

Alright, now you've confirmed that you don't need to get tested for any STDs or STIs.

"Goodbye then, where's my stuff?" As you try to get up, his hand holds you and your shoulder down, denying your question.

"Don't run away."

It's so ironic for him to tell you that when he stopped talking to you, avoided you, and even went as far as treating you badly. Anyone would want to run away if their first love who had scarred them emotionally randomly reappeared in their lives. 

You remind yourself to remain rational, to stay calm and respond maturely, to deescalate the cascading sentiments overwhelming your heart, like a proper, polite, and perceptive adult. 

But you don't want to be an adult. Not when it feels exactly like your high school years, ones where you had stayed up late just to innocently fawn over Michael Kaiser. Only for your heart to be a toy, one that he had thrown away and ruined merely because he had enough of playing with it.

You're a scared teenager alone in your room again, fearful of everything, heart closed off to the point not even you could fully comprehend what it was feeling. 

You just want to run, to run away from all your problems until they'd give up hunting you down, until they found other prey to pursue, until you could live at peace with your scars.

When people mention 'confronting your fears', most would imagine someone fearless and undisturbed, someone who knows what they're doing. Yet you completely contrast that curated image, a troubled individual who wants to return to how they were before their irremediable suffering.

"Don't give me that crap. You're the one who fucking did that to me."

He's the one who decided to poison you with the suffocating fear of abandonment.

"You never cared for me in any way, why should I bother listening to you now?"

To break your heart was one thing. To do it out of nowhere without explanation after years of captivating affection was another.

Kaiser remains silent, expression still stoic. 

"I hate you." 

That's what you've told and convinced yourself for so many years, yet something inside of you refused to fall for your self-inflicted dishonestly. The part that miserably prayed that Michael Kaiser would one day go back to the boy who was head over heels for you.

You've managed to forget this torment for years, but all he's doing is ruining it, making it even more difficult to get over him and the indescribable hole in your heart.

But now, it doesn't seem like you're the only hurt one.

By the end of your speech, you're panting, despite only staying still in bed. You still have so much more to say, but you're already in disbelief that you've finally expressed the hardships plaguing you, and to the reason for said burdens.

"Why'd you hurt me?" And it finally happens. Tears. Ones that had hid from the world, cowering at the thought of another witnessing this pathetic vulnerability. “Everything would be so much easier if you never appeared again, but you had to randomly appear again to kiss me, only leave again.” 

He finally speaks. Voice equally soft and weak as yours. “I know I did. And I know it wasn’t right. But I never wanted to, I never wanted you to hate me or end up hurt. I’ve always wanted the opposite.” Kaiser shuffles closer, hand inching closer towards yours, not daring enough to hold onto it. 

He inhales, deeply, as if this whole ordeal had an emotional toll on him too.

“I didn’t avoid you because I hated you, or wanted you to get hurt. I wasn’t trying to play with your emotions either. I was young and foolish.” For the first time, he’s readable, evident sorrow painting his features. Right now, he was a complete juxtaposition of his image on the field, assertive and lionhearted to now frightened and uncertain.

He’s not done yet. “I’ve always liked you, from the day we started talking. I wanted to love you properly, to take you out on nice dates and to be a boyfriend no one could ever compare to. I was just… scared.” The Michael Kaiser admitting to fear was something new. “Scared of ending up as a disappointing lover or you never reciprocating. I ran away yesterday because I was a coward. But I don’t want to stay as one. I refuse to."

Kaiser continues. “It feels unreal, the idea of you liking me back when you’re so perfect. You’ve always been mature, diligent, and hardworking, your future seemed so bright with how academically proficient you were. At the time I was so unsure of myself and felt so inferior, it doesn’t justify anything I’ve done but I wanted to rather hurt instead of being hurt.”

“You, think I’m perfect…?” It’s such an innocent question. The praise seemed to melt away the resentment accumulated within your heart, and momentarily you forget wanting to leave.

“Of course, I do.” There’s still the same vulnerability in his expression, but this time it’s complemented with a soft smile. “I mean, look at you. You always got the top marks, and you’ve achieved a dream of entering the psychology field. I still love what you wrote about PSTD.”

How did he know that?

“I never mentioned my job.” He still remembers that one piece you wrote, a task that your English teacher had given. You were allowed to write anything you wanted to, and that was the birth of that PTSD essay, which Kaiser had found impressive for the level of detail it had.

“Your books state it.”

And how does he know about those too? You used a pen name for privacy and to avoid any attention to your personal life and loved ones.

“I never mentioned being an author.”

“You certainly did last night. I quote ‘you should read my book’.”

Wait.

A wave of realization crashed over you, the poor individual you complained to about Michael Kaiser was Michael Kaiser himself. Now the memories are flooding in, the declarations of hate, the miserable murmuring, and your stupidly embarrassing behaviour.

But even after recalling all the events and details of that night, you don’t remember providing a title and your pen name. It’s a complete secret, not even Yoichi or your own family know.

“I didn’t tell you the novel name though?”

Kaiser’s now grinning, but there’s still the soft feel to demeanor. “I’m a bit of a fan. ‘Where the Sea and the Horizon Meet’ is my favourite." It’s the book you wrote about him.

“But how did you know I wrote it?” Anyone can write about their tragic first love and the bitter yet beautiful saccharinity it entails. Your pen name didn’t allude to your legal one in any manner, and you dismissed any questions that interviews that attempted to intrude into your personal life.

“Because I instantly knew it was about you, about us. I’d never forget that day, right before English. When wanted to tell you I loved you since it was so pretty that day. I missed bothering you. I missed you.”

He actually remembered?

All this time you had assumed it was a memory that had been sitting at the back of his mind, only to be forgotten so easily after a couple of years.

You don’t say anything. It’s so confusing and overwhelming, the person who hurt you did it out of the fear of hurt, yet still missed you.

“You didn’t forget?”

“No. You were the first and only person I’ve ever loved.”

First… and only too?

You hadn’t shown any signs of auditory hallucinations recently, right?

Even though he himself just said it, it’s still a fever dream to you, unreal and fictitious.

Did you hear that right? You’re the first and only person he’s ever loved; all those touching memories were real, that heartfelt proclamation of love wasn’t fake.

Despite Kaiser’s confession to being in love with you, there was the tiny part of you that was still convinced that you were dreaming; that none of was real.

Because someone who completely destroyed you so long ago shouldn’t be able to waltz back in so easily.

Yet every part of you is begging for him to come back.

You haven’t said anything for a while, only lost in the storm of thoughts while trying to navigate the seas of your emotions.

“Same.” You whisper, you wish you had said something more than a simple agreement, but it’s all you can muster. And it’s true. No one else had been that loving with you. “I don’t hate you. I hate the pain I felt.” You take back your claim, and he looks like he’s received the best news of his life, relief washing over his features.

“I know, which is why, I would never do again. That’s if, if you’re willing to give me another chance.” He finally has the courage to hold your hand with his own, fingers ghosting over your knuckles. “I want to love you. Again. This time properly, and until I learn how to do perfectly.”

There’s an undeniable fear of you have of vulnerability and love, yet the offer is so tempting.

Is the risk really worth it?

You’ve always depended on logic and rationality to make decisions, and here, it’s clear that trusting someone who hurt you isn’t a smart idea. It’s common sense, but something about him makes you want to oppose your usual ideals; to get hurt over and over again until something works, to finally break down the walls you’ve miserably built, and to expose your heavily guarded heart.

“I love you y/n.”

It doesn’t the possess the same grandeur it did that day, years ago, but it still conveyed the same passion, laced with his true feelings for you.

Only this time, you say it back.

“I love you too… Michael.”

“Am I allowed to kiss you again?”

You permit his request, pressing your lips against his, and it tastes just as saccharine and tempting, but this time it’s now garnished with satisfaction.

“Congratulations on your wedding, Kaiser!”

A smile tugs at his lips as his teammates congratulate him, well pleased with how the event had been turning out so far. His parents were overjoyed about you and the occasion, and everything was running smoothly.

It’s been around three years since you had given him another chance.

You looked flawless, the outfit you chose complemented all your tones (though he’d argue that any colour and shade would’ve looked beautiful on you).

Kaiser couldn’t find the right words to describe how euphoric he felt. The closest to this happiest he’s ever gotten was when you accepted his proposal.

He's relieved and buzzing with a sense of pride. Not the typical, cocky kind, but the kind of proud where he’d be able to happily tell his younger self about all of this, that it all works out in the end, that he eventually makes up for his actions; that he ends up marrying his long time crush.

Everyone was happy, at least, except for one person.

“I can’t fucking believe you’d date and marry this man.”

Kaiser snickers at Yoichi, someone who he’s been competing against constantly and has been his rival for years but is also your best friend.

“I swear, he’s not that bad. But I understand if you’re disappointed.”

 “Excuse me, I’m the perfect boyfriend and husband.”

“Oi, did you hear something? Must’ve been a fly. Didn’t expect any here.” Michael’s jaw drops at being ignored by Yoichi.

“Shit, I’ve forgotten the bug repellent, my bad. My mother might’ve brought some.” Michael lets out an exaggerated gasp at the betrayal.

“You guys are so mean.” You and Yoichi grin at his faux pout.

“Well,” Yoichi begins to slip away. “I’ll leave you two lovebirds alone; I’m going to go say hi to Kunigami and Hiori again. Kaiser I’ll kill you if you ever hurt y/n.” He waves a small bye to you before running off.

“Someone seems to trust you a lot.”

“I- “Before Michael can try to defend himself and respond with a witty comment, your nephew interrupts, with his parents following from behind.

“y/n! Congratulations!” He comes running towards you with a bouquet, so big that it was almost the size of him, it’s a miracle how he’s able to carry it. You quickly accept, hoping that it wasn’t a hassle for him to bring it.

“Thank you. How’d you carry these? They’re too big for you.”

“He insisted.” Your bother replies to you, his wife nodding. “He said he wanted to be the ones to give them.”

A hand playfully ruffles his hair. “Thanks bud.” Even after years he still has the same kindness and enthusiasm.

“We’re going to say hi to everyone, are you coming?”

“Can I talk to Michael and y/n more?” They nod, reminding him to be polite and greet everyone afterwards.

“I can’t believe you’re dating the Michael Kaiser though.” Kaiser stands with pride at your nephew’s disbelief, about to make a confident statement until your nephew continues. “You better behave properly, you clown.”

Again, Michael’s jaw drops and the sight has you biting your lip to avoid laughing uncontrollably. Your nephew runs off to his parents, saying that he wants to see his grandparents.

“Since when did he talk like Yoichi?” He nudges you, still shocked at being called a clown again. “He even waited for his parents to go. And he ran off immediately. ”

“No idea, but I like it.”

“Of course, you do…” He takes a few moments to stare at you, dazed by your beauty and seemingly in a trance. “You’re stunning.”

“What’s with that suddenly?”

“It’s not sudden, you’ve always been cute. And pretty. And just perfect in general.”

“Someone’s cheesy.” But your smile is out of control.

“Thank you.”

“For?”

“Giving me a second chance.” The morning you woke up in his hotel room comes to mind, and although you were conflicted on whether to let him back into your life again or not, you don’t regret anything.

“Liebling, I’m truly forever grateful for it.” His hand takes yours, planting a kiss on your knuckles.

Because it’s been amazing with him. From the small yet sweet things like how he'd pay attention to literally everything about you, and remember every time detail about you to his grand proposal by the beach, the one that was located near your high school, the one outside of the window when he first declared he loved you. You adored it all; the connection you and him had that no one else would ever understand, to how the sun sunk into the sea, breathtakingly beautiful. Even the aftermath of arguments because he always refused to deal with them immaturely, knowing the consequences of not doing things right better than anyone else. The mere thought of you crying could bring him down to his knees.

Now, if someone were to ask you about Kaiser you'd end up stumped, thinking of all his actions of love, from always defending you no matter what, even if it's him against the world and the media, to how he constantly teases you (he never shuts up about how you assumed you had slept with him when you woke up in his hotel room.) He's your everything, your boyfriend, lover, your own proof reader and soon to be husband.

Now, you'd describe him as your favourite, someone you adore beyond what words could capture, not even your experience as an author could ever change that.

“I love you, so so much. I would die for you Liebe.” Kaiser eagerly kisses you, and no matter how many times he does you never get sick of how he tasted, or how soft and tender they were.

“I love you too Mihya.” You breathe out, crimson dusted all over your face as you’re panting in between words.

He really wasn’t lying when he said wanted to love you properly.

© kitorin : do not repost, plagiarize, change, or translate

[xiaosonlybeloved]

Not meant to be~ Rin Itoshi

featuring:- Rin Itoshi, fem!reader, _________ warnings:- aftermath of argument, accident, good ol' truck kun, angst, hurt/no comfort, hurt/comfort, some mentions of blood a/n:- omg here its finally here, my first blue lock fic, ngl im scared of the response since ive only written for genshin before but oh well-

I guess i have to thank @damyoujackson, my irl bff for helping me write this( honestly i couldnt figure out how the hell to start the fic, she helped me with that and it somehow turned into her helping me in three-fourth of the fic) i actually have another fic planned to (on my own merit) but ill wait for my exams to get over

word count:- 2k

masterlist

Raised voices. Angry tears. That’s all you could remember. Rin’s cold, emotionless face when he told you to go. Go wherever the hell you wanted. Because he. Didn’t. Care. The way you stormed out of the apartment, hot tears streaming down your cheeks.

His face flashed before your eyes again. You remembered the face you both hate and love now. You remember all the heartbreak he’s been causing you recently. You remember Rin Itoshi.

*******

You get into the taxi you booked to go to Isagi’s house. You’d already planned to visit him and Bachira anyways. Now, maybe if you were lucky, they’d let you stay the night over. There is a strange scent in the car but you can’t put a finger on it. 

You take a few deep breaths. Once you’re sufficiently calmed down, you take out your phone and block Rin. Everywhere. His socials. His phone, his chat. Everything. Right now, all you really want is to distance yourself and your aching heart from Rin. Because it hurt. Staying with him, loving him, hurt. A fresh tear rolled down your face as the car sped onto the highway after around ten minutes.

And thats when the chills ran down your spine.

Something was wrong, you realized. Something wasn’t righ-

*******

It happened in an instant, too quick for you to comprehend.

As you felt the warm liquid trickling down your face, you recognise the strong scent of wine that filled the whole car, emanating from the driver, and the smell of your own blood.

The next instant, it all went black.

~◍~

Rin’s call goes to voicemail for the tenth time. His messages are still undelivered. It’s been ten minutes, and Rin can’t help but feel uneasy, feel like something was wrong.

He shook his head. Who was he even kidding. Of course things were wrong. And he was the reason why. He was the who’d lost his temper, yelled at you to get lost, refused to apologise even though none of it was your fault; you were only trying to look out for him after all. Regret settled in the pit of his stomach, and he didn’t like it one bit. He didn’t mean any of that, he really didn’t, it all slipped out in the heat of the moment because of his pride. You were the reason his life was worth living, and all he wanted right now was you back in his arms safe and sound.

He couldn’t stand the silence that pervaded the room anymore. He wanted to see you. Make sure you were alright, even if you were hurting inside because of him

His keys jingled as he locked the door behind him and hurried to his car.

*******

As Rin sped towards Isagi’s place, figuring that’s where you went since you had already planned to go, he felt something like dread seep into him, although he didn’t know why. Goosebumps rose on his skin as he drove onto the highway, and the reason for it was visible in the form of a crowd gathered around what seemed like a truck collided into a taxi. His sense of foreboding increased.

As he neared the crash site, the first thing he saw was blood seeping out of the shattered windows of the car. He frowned as he slowed down, seeing the flashing lights and wailing sirens of the ambulance making its way towards the crash. Finally, he saw the limp bodies, presumably of the drivers and a passenger.

His car screeched to a halt as he froze, seeing a nurse lift up one of the limp bodies to hurry them into the ambulance.

He saw your limp body being hauled into the ambulance.

*******

Rin silently sat in the ambulance, staring at what he’d done. The nurse who was working to bring you into a stable condition gave him a look of pity. Pity. That’s probably why the nurse had allowed him to get into the ambulance with you. 

He couldn’t fathom it. 

It was his fault. If he hadn’t yelled at you like that, you wouldn’t have left. If he had just dropped you off, you wouldn’t have gotten injured.

Rin knew. He knew he’d broken the promise he’d passionately made you when you two started dating- that he’d keep you safe.

For the first time in years, a tear slipped out of the corner of his eyes, then another. Not a single sound. Just the tears silently streaking Rin’s face.

He’d messed up. Real bad.

~◍~

There you were, lying unconscious on the bed. You always looked so peaceful asleep. Not like you had been all those wakeful, sleepless nights with him recently.

He caressed your face, like he had done so many times before. By this point, he had all the contours of your face memorised. He had lost you. He knew that. He knew you were in a coma, but who knew how long you’d be gone? Rin felt a lump rise in his throat. 

Why?

Why had it been you? Why not anyone else? Why you? You had never done anything to deserve this, if anything, he was the one who deserved this. Unable to bear the sight of you, hurt because of him ,anymore, he got up hastily and walked away, gently closing the hospital door behind him.

“Why were you with her?” Rin heard a voice say, one that grated on his nerves. His jaw set, he turned around to see him. “What do you mean? She’s my girlfriend, she’s the one I love, and she’s hurt. Shouldn’t I be with her?” Rin spoke, the anger on seeing him seeping into his voice. What right did he have to interfere with Rin’s life? He saw a scowl spread across the face of the man in front of him. “No, Rin, you’ve lost the right to. You’re the reason why she’s here. You’re the one who hurt her. Do you really think she’d want to see you after all of this? No, Rin. Not when you’re the reason why she’s… she’s…” His voice cracks, his incomplete sentence hanging tensely in the air.

And Rin watched, eyes wide, as a tear slipped out of his eyes. Sure, Rin crying was one thing. But him? Not when he knew that emotions didn’t come easy to either of them. He must care about her a lot too. It caused an ugly feeling to bubble in his chest.

“Stay away, she’s mine. You have no right to be here.” Rin snapped, causing him to retort. “I have no right? I have no right? Look who’s freaking talking.”

“She was yours, Rin. She was yours. Not anymore.”

“You’ve lost her now.”

~◍~

White, white everywhere. Your eyes stung ike tehy did every time Rin made you cry. You sat up and the world spun. You saw a hand on yours. Rin? His touch felt a bit different, but the eyes you caught with yours were ones you would never get tired of losing yourself staring into. And yet, as the world gradually came into focus, you saw that no, it wasn’t Rin after all. It was him.

“How are you?” He softly asked. Those three words lingered in the air between you two, echoing in your mind. So long. It had been so long since you’d heard those three simple words. How laughable.

You didn’t respond for a while. You just couldn’t.. He didn’t press it either. The silence which fell between you two was in fact, comfortable. Certainly not like the tense, angry silences that fell ever so often between you and Rin recently after unresolved conflicts. They had been cold and unforgiving, just like how Rin had become.

Eventually you tried to speak, and found you couldn’t. Seeing this, he immediately grabbed a glass of water from the bedside stand and gently held it to your lips as you drank, one hand supporting your back.

This felt new. But it didn’t feel wrong. It felt warm and comforting.

“I… don’t know.” You responded to his earlier question. He simply set down the glass, took both of your hands in his, and squeezed them softly. “I’ll be here. It’ll be fine soon.” There was a silent promise in his quiet voice. That he’d stay with you.

Unlike Rin.

No wonder this felt comforting. This was the kind of support and comfort you’d been longing for from ages. You missed this feeling.

~◍~

Months had passed since that accident, and you had fully recovered, with no permanent damage. You had completely broken off things with Rin. It wasn’t because of the accident. You were simply too tired. It hurt. It hurt too much for you to be able to continue your relationship with him anymore.

It hurt you to admit it, but life had actually become brighter after you’d broken up with Rin. So you tried your best to get over him, build yourself a happier life.

‘It seems to be working,’ you thought to yourself, shoulders feeling considerably lighter, a spring in your step, on your way to meet him at the cafe.

~◍~

Years had passed. Old wounds were healed, both figuratively and literally. You’d found someone new. Someone who’d gently held your broken heart as he helped you repair it. Someone who you couldn’t help but love with everything in you. Someone who’d stayed with you through thick and thin. Someone you loved more than you had loved Rin.

Funny. Honestly, you barely remembered Rin anymore. Not when you’d found someone better.

~◍~

Rin was miserable, to say the least. He’d barely been able to focus on anything, throwing himself into soccer in entirety. Because if he didn’t, if he let his mind wander, regret and guilt would consume him whole, and his mind would return to the last time he’d seen you. When you’d softly told him that you couldn’t do this anymore. Not with him. When you’d broken up with him, wishing him all the best for his career.

Forget it. Even though you were a big part of his life, the only option he found was to try and forget you, no matter how impossible it seemed. It was the only way he could focus on soccer.

And yet, as he lay alone under the covers of his cold bed at night, body aching from exhaustion, he couldn’t hold back his intense longing for you to be back in his arms.

In the dead of night, he couldn’t deny just how much he missed you. In the dead of night, he couldn’t deny how much he wished everything was back to the way it used to be back then.

In the dead of night, he couldn’t deny that he would always remember you, no matter how much he tried to forget you.

~◍~

Rin stood there, face blank, numbness seeping through his body, as excited loud chatter surrounded him.

This couldn’t be happening.

He knew he should have been happy for you. But somehow, he was unable to.

You looked radiant and stunning as you walked down the aisle. The joy was more than evident in the way you carried yourself, a bright smile on your face as your gaze landed on him.

He couldn’t help but feel incredibly envious of the man standing in wait for you at the altar, a matching smile lighting up his usually emotionless face. Your to-be husband. As much as it shattered his heart, Rin knew that he hadn’t treated you well, that he wasn’t the one for you. That you were happy.

But it still hurt.

It hurt like hell when you both said ‘Yes’ without hesitation, when you both slipped your rings onto each other’s fingers, when the crowd around burst into rapturous applause as the two of you sealed your relationship.

Because the lips you kissed, the eyes you stared into, the hands you held, and the man you loved. It wasn’t him. It would never be him.

It was Sae Itoshi, the only one you remembered.

ngl i loved this