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starrysmiling · 10 months

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hc names!

about time i talked about them, so... we stumbled upon this tweet a long time ago and, knowing that francis and fresia have jp names, decided to commit to the bit. while deciding on them all, we ended up accidentally setting down a seasonal theme, so we committed to that bit too!

fern, shimoyuki hanata (霜雪ハナタ)

the word 霜雪 is read as ソウセツ sousetsu, comprised of the kanji 霜 shimo, meaning frost, and 雪 yuki, meaning snow, but we've appropriated it as a surname. very fitting, hm? we've kept hanata as it is in the tweet. we think it's cute to keep the pun. also, yukihana means snowflake and i think that is very fucking neat.

jax, natsubane koujaku (夏羽黄雀)

夏羽 natsubane is a word that is read as is, and means summer plumage. it's literally the kanji 夏 natsu, meaning summer, with 羽 hane, meaning feather. in hs au, jax uses the name hane in games he plays as a character name, which leads to fern's first nickname for him, 羽さん hane-san. 黄雀 koujaku is a type of sparrow, which is a bird we associate with him. he prefers people calling him コウ kou if they're close enough to be on a first-name basis, which is what he gets fern to call him after knowing each other for a while. the cherry on top is that jaku sounds a bit like jax. haha you literally can't fit more bird references into this guy.

fresia, yukimine tokiha (雪嶺トキハ)

雪嶺 as a word is read セツレイ setsurei, and is actually one of the surnames i came up with when brainstorming a name for fern. i think it's really fucking banger, like. it literally means snow-capped peak. she lives in a place called frozen heights. it's fucking perfect. we've also kept tokiha from the tweet as well!

ace, umezaka ace (梅坂エース) and melony, umezaka melony (梅坂メロニー)

the symbolism i wanted for ace and melony wasn't as clear, because i did want their names to be a bit representative of spring. we went for 梅坂 umezaka from 梅 ume, meaning plum, and 坂 saka, for hill. plum blossoms are in bloom during spring, after all. the other thing with this name is that 梅 is in the word for rainy season, 梅雨 tsuyu, which happens in tropical areas (such as their home region hoenn!) that said, because ace isn't from borrius, we've kept ace as his name in katakana. similarly, melony's name is just her name in katakana, メロニー! fresia calls him エー助 e-suke as a joke sometimes. 助 is a common male name ending and um. yes! it's how we've localised her acey-boy nickname.

and as an extra... jax's fake identity from bodyguard au, which isn't even in canonverse but i think is important to go over anyway to complete the seasons:

wren, shuusou yuu (秋霜ユウ)

wren's name was chosen before jax even meets fern. log doesn't tell jax the name of aros' son before he sends him on the mission, so the surprise he gets when he realises the 霜 sou in his name, is the same kanji as shimo in fern's name shimoyuki. we wanted to complete the seasonal theme, and wren's clothes are pretty damn orange, so we went with 秋 shuu for autumn. the origins of ユウ yuu are 友 like in 友情 (yuujou, meaning friendship), 勇 and 雄 like in 勇者 (yuusha) or 英雄 (eiyuu), both meaning hero. also, ユウ looks kinda like コウ, right?

this (super old) name chart too for reference!

#pokemon unbound #fern unbound #jax unbound #fresia unbound #ace unbound #wren unbound #unbound canonverse #unbound bodyguard au #shimoyuki hanata is so fucking cute as a name for a guy like fern #i can't believe we chose the cutest name for him #and jax's name is also really fucking good. why do you think i'm obsessed with his name #wren's yuu is so genius and it still fucking gets me every time #he might not have thought it through as much as we would when we gave it to him but #his love for heroes is something i enjoy as a constant throughout every iteration of jax #also the fact that it looks similar is a coincidence but it's a BANGER coincidence. god fucking bless

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bleakbluejay · 2 years

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I've spoken a bit about this privately with friends and a little on my twitter as well, but like. I feel so broken and wrong sometimes in regards to feelings about sex. And I'll put a "read more" because this is just Eli rambling and venting and blah, and that's not what you guys are here for. I do like tumblr's formatting though, and maybe if I speak about this stuff, someone can relate and feel better? I don't know. Content warning for like, some triggering topics like csa and sa in general, and stuff. Fat trauma dumps.

So below the break!

I don't know if I would've ever called my relationship with sex healthy. I'm a CSA survivor after all, and with that comes really fun things like taboo kinks that I couldn't explain (that I will NOT go into here or anywhere) and mild hypersexuality as a teenager. Especially bad when I was still a virgin. And at my first introduction to physical sexuality with another person, it exploded.

I will talk about my teenage misadventures, but the stuff that happened to me before 12 is not for you to know, it's for me to know. And I'm obviously not going to incorporate info from my most recent relationship because that shit is super private and I'm still super close with my ex. It wouldn't be fair or kind or respectful.

I got felt up by a friend without my consent when I was 12 and I was so overwhelmed by the sensation of the touch that I made him do it again over and over. My entire world was sexual validation. When I was 14, I had a boyfriend that was even worse and would do even worse and my consent was nothing to him. I wouldn't say the events that took place were particularly traumatic, but they didn't effect me very positively, for sure.

By this point, I was very repeatedly being taught that the only value I had to anyone was sex. I developed big tits early, and when I was slimmer, I had more pronounced hourglass proportions. Even my friends at school would talk about me sexually, even the girls. My family members would make comments about how I could knock my eye out with my boobs if I didn't wear a bra, and what a cute little butt that I had. People I thought were my friends, some of which that were adults, would egg me on and manipulate me into showing my body for them on tinychat and skype and messenger. And this was treated as normal. Expected, even.

I had a girlfriend in Missouri when I was 16 who pressured me into kissing her in the bathroom and fingering her and playing with her tits when I kept telling her no over and over and over again, but she'd whine and cry. How dare I say no to making out with her in the bathroom when it was her birthdayyyyy she's just a little birthday girrrrrl. She put me in danger to the point I dropped out of high school for a time and we were getting evicted from our fucking house because she wanted to be public about being gay in Bible Belt fucking Southeast fucking Missouri. And when I didn't do what she wanted, she would tell me about the guy she fucked for her birthday and how good it was, and she talked about it in every single class I had with her, which was all but one. After we broke up, she harassed me by text about how she wished she was under my Christmas tree and shit like that, trying to get me to sext her, I guess. She had problems of her own, and some of her behavior, I forgive her. But her actions towards me were so disgusting.

I moved out of Missouri and back to California where I reconnected with a good boyfriend that I had and we started dating again, and shortly after I turned 17, we exchanged virginities. And I think that was a positive experience. Mostly. I think it was close to healthy sexual experience in my life, although... I am a lesbian after all. There's its own sort of trauma is repeatedly sleeping with a man when I knew something was wrong but didn't want to face it. And after three years of dating and fucking, it became more and more apparent to me. So I left.

And immediately fell into a year-long relationship with a girl when I was 19 that was sooo sexually charged. It was insane chemistry. It was passion and desire and fire. But once the smoke blew away and the cinders cooled, her mask came off. And it was a very, very long four months living with her and being raped and molested by her constantly. If I didn't give in and let her use me, she'd be mad. She'd be violent, or with-hold affection, or scream slurs at me about what a "retard" I am, what a "stupid fucking autistic retard" I was, but I was so madly in love with her, deifying her, that I kept letting her do it. I stayed. I stayed until she threatened to kill me, and using the excuse of "uhh I need to go back to college! So I can make lots of money and we can live together again! Yeah!" to get the fuck out.

A few months after our breakup, I slept with another man. I just wanted the company. I wanted to associate sex with positivity again. But I kept staring at that ceiling, finally processing that, fuck dude, I'm gay. I'm a lesbian. I don't want to be here. I shouldn't be here.

But I think it wasn't just that realization that I'm gay. I think that the repeated traumas I faced through sexual relationships, of being nothing but a sexual tool through my whole life I've been, it's just destroyed my relationship with sex.

I, like, want it, sometimes. I desire it. I like it sometimes. But just as much as I like it, it feels like something I force myself through. 5 minutes in and I'm done, I'm over it, I want to do something else, something sweet and wholesome and different. I don't want to be a sex toy anymore.

And it sucks, right? Because this feeling I have, it keeps me from enjoying something that is the center of everyone else's world. Everything revolves around sex. It's the center of every relationship, or any conversation about relationships. It's the center of representation of lesbians on the TV. It's the center of gay communities in the real world. I tried to make friends on gay dating apps, and all they want is sex and sloppy head and pegging and threesomes and sex and fucking and cum and titties and cock and sex. And it's something that I, as an autistic person, still only understand barely. I know how to make other people feel good. I know what makes me feel good. But every other aspect of it is foreign and alien.

I wish I could want people the way everyone else wants each other. I wish I could touch people the way everyone else touches each other. I wish I could be touched the way other everyone else is touched. I wish the next person I enter into a relationship with just understands -- that maybe the relationship can be mostly asexual, but we can fool around as a treat sometimes. In the most loving and mutual and sweetest way. With no expectation of the actions to be taken, no necessity for the actions to be taken.

I don't want to abandon fucking altogether, it's something that's nice. It's a great bonding experience. It feels good to lay naked with someone after it's over and be belly-to-belly, together, vulnerable and pure and open and sweaty and sleepy and happy. Part of me is glad that I've gotten fat and ugly (conventionally speaking) because it means I'm not harassed like I was when I was a teenager. But it's also sad that I'm not desired. I like to be a little desired. By someone I desire back, at the least.

I feel, somewhat, like I can't be in a relationship with anyone. The requirements can't be met, on either side. I mean, I can't date anyone that isn't trans and autistic and mentally ill. I can't date anyone who is very sexual, but probably not someone who is totally ace either. I need someone who doesn't need sex but appreciates it from time to time, who is neurodivergent and mentally ill and trans, who has a personality that I find attractive, who understands ableism, and who finds me attractive with all my flaws and traumas and disabilities and obstacles, and who I find attractive back. I don't think that's real. I think that's asking far too much. I've never found it before, and I doubt I'll ever find it. And I feel like I am destined to feel alone.

Which is a terrible fate for a hopeless romantic, I think.

Fuck sex, man. I hate sex, I hate the world of sex and the culture of sex and the expectations of sex and the desire of sex. Fuck the people who traumatized me into being unable to feel healthily about sex. Fuck the people who took the desire and passion for sex out of me. Fuck the people the demanded sex from me. Fuck the adults that asked for pictures of me. Fuck the other adults that let them. Fuck the shows that show sex as an expectation and necessity. Fuck the people on Taimi for seeing my profile said "asexual" and "looking for friends" and told me what they thought I should do with my hands. Fuck all the hands and tongues and teeth and cocks that entered me when I said no. Fuck all the weed and alcohol that convinced me to say yes. Fuck every man that ever said to me "would you fuck me if I were a girl?" especially every man that was my friend that said that to me. And fuck all those people that do these things to anyone else.

End post. Thank you for reading through it. Sorry if you read through it. Will probably use this post as a template for talking with my therapist on Monday.

If you struggle with these thoughts, even some of them, you're welcome to talk to me. My inbox is always open and my heart is always open, too.

#eli talks #vent #cw vent #cw csa #cw sa #lotta fucked up shit #i dont ask anyone to read this #but i hope that if someone reads it that it helps someone feel less alone #i know id like to feel less alone than i do right now lol #i dont think ace ppl are broken by the way just me xoxo #all my heart and love goes out to all of you #bless you and have a good night #im going back to watching video essays and playing valheim #although holy shit its 6am LMAO

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