#bigfoot ass pose

[fishiteeth]

You really should stay out of the woods. Nothing good ever happens out there.

[legokingfisher]

Watching drs1 with my buddies and we got to talking about how Lloyd didn’t make appearances to ninjago city/people thought he was dead. And one of my buddies was like. What if he’s been like. A cryptid. There’s blurry photos of a green thing zooming between rooftops. A zoomed-in grainy ass image circulating where he’s doing The Pose (you know the one. The bigfoot one). A corner of social media that does nothing but find and speculate about how the green ninja is Totally still alive and running around

[mulders-too-large-shirt]

s6 episode 4 "dreamland, part 1" thoughts

hello all. today is a bit of a gloomy day where i live. i have no desire to go forth and watch an episode, but we must push through and do things we love rather than give into despair. am i right?!?!

so, last episode was quite fun. mulder loves scully. did you know that? i knew it, but hearing it out loud made things even better. 

it seems that today we will be dealing with some sort of body swapping problem. which is deeply unfortunate. no idea how such a thing occurs or how one goes about reversing it.

post-episode thoughts: this was literally 45 minutes of mulder atoning for his crimes of being a moody man. he went through so much that i actually forgive him for his previous actions. he has served his time. poor man. sopping wet meow meow.

but also, poor scully!! it's a good thing i'm not her, because i would have whipped my sig out right in the middle of the office and brought the adventures of mulder and scully to an abrupt end after a Certain Moment. DAMN. no one was winning in this episode! poor sweet scully... truly she has suffered so much.

we begin today in nevada. with my friends the FBI agents!! 

“outpost 134. two miles to go” “i’m alllllll atingle” <- LMAOOOO, oh scully. she does not give a damn about area 51; meanwhile, he's going on a sacred pilgrimage, and the excitement is visible on his face

he’s convinced that this dude who gave them some vague information is not a liar and that this time they will REALLY get the proof- but scully just wants a break!! i can't blame her. how many times now has he been convinced that "proof" is right around the corner?

scully monologue! “mulder, it’s the dim hope of finding that proof that’s kept us in this car, or one very much like it, for more nights than i care to remember. driving hundreds, if not thousands of miles, through neighborhoods and cities and towns where people are raising families and buying homes and playing with their kids and their dogs, and… in short, living their lives. while we… we, we just keep driving”

OH MY GOD, we are barely a minute into this episode and i’m already going to cry. she sounds so sad!!! she wants a life!! or at least thinks she wants it, because tbh i find it very hard to picture her “settling down” and putting aside all the Kicking of Ass and Saving of Lives- but damn it, she wants a house and a dog, and maybe when mulder works out whatever it is he is experiencing, they can obtain a baby.

but then again, he’ll always have something he’s chasing in terms of aliens and bigfoot and x files… so maybe that wouldn’t be for the best. babies are a lot of work. however, he seems to really want one, and has talked about "settling down" before. or does he just like the IDEA of a family because he is chasing bringing his own back?

but again, i also think that there would be something that scully is always chasing! some new medical mystery will need tending to, or scientific phenomena will need to be explained. does "settling down" imply giving those things- the late night drives and quests for proof- up? what is the alternative?

this poses some serious philosophical questions about our lead characters that i lack enough life experience to answer.

how are you supposed to get the kids home from elementary school if you're tracking down a governmental conspiracy and half of DC wants you dead? the vetting process for godparents must be INTENSE.

also, love her use of the word "we" about the continued driving in favor of "living their lives". it implies that whether they keep chasing aliens or give it up and get a more normal job to get a house and a dog, either way it will be done together. which is especially fascinating because they haven't even kissed.

oh god. please display some sensitivity to this rare scully display of emotions, mulder.

while she asks if he ever wants to settle down and have a normal life (to which he replies “this IS a normal life”), four cars surround them and keep them from going any further. which has never happened to me, personally, and i claim to live a pretty normal life. so we have different definitions as to what that means.

they are ordered out of the car, and a guy smoking a cigarette approaches them (later revealed to be named morris, but it gets far more confusing as the episode progresses). which is visual shorthand for a bad guy in this show.

morris says they have to leave, but then something that looks like a UFO approaches!!

OHHHH... mulder’s grabbing her arm as it flies closer……. god. he is investigating. but he also needs to make sure she sees this. because so often she does not see these things.

but then scully walks away with the other guy, morris?? calling him mulder??

oh man. oh BROTHER. so does mulder see himself through the eyes of this other dude?? a real-deal body swap? what a headache!!

(intro time)

we have yet to have a full-length intro this season! it's throwing me off of my rhythm!

these soldiers are waiting to take orders from mulder, who is in the body of morris, and he is utterly gagged, because he just watched scully leave with a stranger!! oh, if i were him, i would be losing my MIND! who is this man driving away with scully?!?!

so mulder is in the body of a guy named morris, who is part of some top secret area 51 project. the other men in the car with him are asking why he let the FBI agents go, but some other guy says they’ll have the FBI handle their own people. right, that's surely what morris meant! absolutely! definitely! (/s)

oooo, this is both an immense opportunity and terrible situation for mulder to be in. because he can learn all the secret area 51 stuff in this body, but he also isn’t himself, and who knows wtf this other guy is gonna try with scully!! personally, i would be too focused on getting back into my own damn body to go on any alien sidequests! but who knows what he will do; mulder has interesting priorities...

there are all sorts of mysterious aircraft in area 51!!

omg!!! we, the audience, see him as mulder, but when he looks in a security camera, he appears to have the face of this morris guy!!

he unfortunately does not know where to go, but thankfully morris’ door has a name tag on it. and it’s filled with photos of him doing his job with people like ronald reagan. 

but he just looks at them and mumbles “scully” <- OHHHHH :( not even getting all of the answers to his biggest questions will keep him from thinking about her

(also... the way he thinks of her when he sees the photos of morris with his wife and kids on the wall... someone hold me. i'll faint)

how will he convince her of this predicament?!

meanwhile, the real morris (in the body of mulder) is driving scully, who wants to know if he is okay!! he hasn’t said a word since they got caught, and he just tells her the gas cap is on her side, which throws her off. ohhh…. i feel so BAD! she wanted to check in on him!! and she thinks mulder is just blowing her off!!! :(((

morris-as-mulder is cranking up the music in their car, which we know to be unlike the real mulder. while real mulder-as-morris tries to call her, but he gets interrupted!!!

morris-as-mulder asks for a pack of cigarettes, and she’s asking “since when do you smoke?”- he is MEAN to her about that (AND he called her dana, which is so evil!!!!)

oh, she knows something is afoot… even if he has been acting weird lately, this is TOO weird for him. picking up smoking?!?! nuh-uh.

(i love that post that says they get to call each other by their first time approximately once each calendar year because it is so true. c'mon scully, you HAVE to notice that this is unusual, even for him, the guy who is famously very unusual!!)

some other guy is trying to explain to mulder-as-morris that there is an info leak in their department, but since he’s actually mulder, he has no idea wtf to say. when mercifully, his phone rings. 

OH NO!! it’s morris’ wife!!! and she wants him home!!! and also, he must bring the milk!!!

oh god. this is going to be so weird. 

he’s being dropped off at morris’ house (sans milk, i do believe) and i am immensely uncomfy at the idea of what will happen next.

he tries to call scully on the house phone, but the operator asks him if he wants an outside line and he says no. which maybe means he cannot call DC? idk. GAAAH!! how will he reach her?!

oh gosh, mulder-as-morris must get in bed with his “wife”. i am uncomfy!!!

NOPE, he shuts the door!!! LMAO!!! he did not sign up for that shit. i respect that immensely.

is he going to fall asleep to some porn? sleeping on the couch instead of with his "wife" in bed?!?! this dude is going to fuck up morris’ marriage, LMAO.

(what an odd guy. never heard of people falling asleep to porn before... i've heard of people putting on regular TV shows or football games just for the white noise, but moaning? very strange)

somewhere else, a bunch of fires are being put out. there was a crash of the secret area 51 aircraft!! this guy, the pilot, is inside a rock??? and the other pilot is speaking a foreign language!

so maybe they got switched around, too. although idk how to explain the rock situation.

back in washington, scully is waiting for morris-as-mulder at some sort of meeting with kersh. and he is late!! and says he got lost!!! scully is not pleased at these words!!! she knows something is up...

oh no… kersh has been told to reprimand them… and morris-as-mulder is yapping about the whole thing being a big mistake. scully, meanwhile is like, what the actual FUCK is going on?! morris-as-mulder promises that he will never EVER disobey kersh again. which is horrible, because i imagine that mulder will, in fact, do that again.

scully is MAD, LMAO: “what was that about? ‘i’d give you his name if i had it?’ whatever happened to protecting our contacts? protecting our work?” <- she has had ENOUGH!! she said there NEEDS TO BE SOME INTEGRITY IN THESE OPERATIONS!!! and i love that about her!! that fundamental Need to do the Morally Correct Thing!

but he’s going back into the office to FLIRT WITH THE SECRETARY?? oh, if i were her i would be so MAD! and she is!!! “what is going ON with you?”

OH MY GOD, HE SLAPPED HER ASS???????????? asking if she was JEALOUS????

my JAW………… it is on the FLOOR….

we need to kill this morris guy. but we also need to make sure scully knows that was NOT mulder. he would NEVER!!!!! oh god, can mulder just sneak out to a payphone and call her…?

(this moment made me immensely uncomfy!!! it seemed like it was supposed to be some sort of joke, and i didn't find it funny! i would have supported scully throwing hands!! does the FBI have a good HR department? bleugh! it made me feel sick! the horrible idea of someone you have lived with and loved, no matter how you define that "love", for years, suddenly treating you like meat... i'd cry!!)

OH NOOO!! poor mulder-as-morris, who fell asleep watching porn on the couch, is slapped awake my morris’ wife, and he goes “scully?” <- AWW, POOR GUY :( he thought she came to save him :(

his not-really-his-wife is FURIOUS with him!! asking what the kids would think if they saw him up to such behavior!!!

and then one of those kids comes downstairs, he calls her by the wrong name, and she starts SOBBING LMAOOOOOO oh man. oh man. this is a nightmare. he just wants to know where his keys are. 

oh gosh, i’m laughing, but also cringing with secondhand embarrassment as he is asked about the daughter’s nose… WHAT about her nose?!?! 

“um… i think… i think she’s a little young for plastic surgery, don’t you think?” (she starts sobbing) “oh, for god’s sake, morris- a nose ring! she said she wants a nose ring!” 

BAHAHAAAA, OH MY GOD… poor mulder… he is paying for his crimes!! he is literally atoning… this teenage girl is saying she hates him and she wishes he were dead!!

well. having glimpsed life with teenage children, i have a feeling he is going to be put off by the idea of settling down and having a life as scully earlier proposed. and can you blame the guy?

(he also is such a dumbass, though. like, he could have just said "yeah" or "i need more time to think about it" to get out of answering whatever the nose question was. he went to the worst possible answer. smh!!!)

his wife asks if he wants a divorce, and he’s like NO NO NO, i don’t want to do all that! at least he is trying to think of morris and the family while stuck in some other guy's body!! but frankly, i'm sure his wife could do better than morris, so maybe if he did call the whole thing off, he'd be doing her a favor.

then she points out he’s in the same suit from yesterday. and getting changed finally allows him to see himself as morris. filming that mirror scene had to be hard. and now he’s DANCING around??? when the wife walks in!!! oh no!!!!!!!

he’s such a loser BAHAHAHA

but fun time is over, because someone from work is calling to let him know he has to get here NOW. 

the guy from the aircraft crash before who was talking in a different language- captain mcdonough- is mumbling prayers in hopi! but the dude whose body he is in has no known foreign language skills. he claims to be mrs. chee, a 75-year-old hopi woman!! meanwhile, mrs. chee is in the next room, behaving exactly as captain mcdonough!

oh lord…

at the FBI, morris is playing golf video games, and frankly, if i were scully, i would have shot him already. but her phone rings, and hopefully it’s really mulder, and he can explain what is going on. 

it is!! but she doesn’t believe him, or even remember the UFO incident. she has morris-as-mulder jump on the line, but real mulder picks up that it isn’t secure, and hangs up. 

this is the part where i would be making “mulder” answer incredibly specific questions about my life before proceeding. 

oh god, morris-as-mulder makes another awful misogynistic comment. things seem to be clicking for her… 

real mulder is buying some sunflower seeds. and i am happy for him for finding joy in such circumstances. but as he drives away from the gas station, some sort of earthquake thing begins!!!

more men in white jeeps are arriving, saying he has to come with them. execute that flawless k turn, mulder. 

what is going on!! he runs back to the gas station to try and find the attendant whom he just purchased the seeds from.

oh my GOD??? the man is severely injured, and when mulder-as-morris advocates for taking him to the doctor, the other henchman just takes his gun out and shoots and kills him. bro. these people are CRAZY. holy hell.

so what is causing this body swapping slash earthquake phenomena????

they light the gas station on fire and leave. damn.

NO!!! scully goes to mulder’s place, where she finds morris-as-mulder KISSING kersh’s secretary!!! oh, she looks BEYOND furious. you can tell from the way he is putting back on his clothes that they just hooked up, which raises all sorts of ethical questions on the ability to consent when body swapped.

“mulder, YOU, are out of YOUR mind!! WHAT IS UP WITH YOU?” <- YELL AT HIM!!! oh my god, i PRAY that she can come to believe he really did get body swapped, because!!! i would not forgive him for this shit!!!!

“this is your LIFE’S WORK!!! your crusade!!!” “as i understand it, we’re off the x files” <- ohhh, and she SLAMS THE DOOR AND WALKS AWAY!!!!!! morris calls her a bitch!!!

we need to draw and quarter this man, and i’m not joking. 

back in nevada, some lizard has had its head turned into a rock??? like the pilot who was also rocked before???

the area 51 guys say that there has been a tear in the space-time continuum from the space craft malfunctioning. poor lizard…. now his head and the rock can exist in the same space.

oh god, mulder-as-morris wants to know how to reverse it, but the other dude doesn’t even think it’s possible. PLEASE FIND A WAY. i cannot watch either of our agents suffer any longer.

scully has driven down to nevada by herself!!! and that is a hell of a drive!!! featuring her big ass flashlight!!! she is investigating the gas station where earlier the mystery nevada men lit everything on fire

oh GOD, mulder is again going through the motions of being yelled at about morris’ marriage. “it’s just that you don’t want to ever make love to me ever again, that’s all. that, and you mumble something about scully in your sleep” <- OH MY GOD???? oh lord, i don't want to see all this...

he deflects the accusations of cheating by asking DOES SCULLY SOUND LIKE A WOMAN’S NAME, LMAOOOOO

he is acting his ass off here, saying he doesn’t know who he even is anymore. and he apparently sells it, because she thinks he just needs viagra. OH MY GOD. CRINGE. stooooop, he is going to need 8 million years to recover from this.

LMAOOOOO NOOOO, THEY HAVE THEIR HEARTFELT MOMENT AND THEN SCULLY SHOWS UP AT THE DOOR LOOKING FOR MORRIS FLETCHER........ LMAOOOOOOOO STOP. oh my god. i'm gonna claw my face off.

ohhhh, he’s trying to hard to explain everything to her, but she is wondering why some dude named morris fletcher wanted to meet with her??? he must convince her!!!

“all right, your full name is dana katherine scully. your badge number is… hell, i don’t know your badge number. your mother’s name is margaret, your brother’s name is bill jr, he’s in the navy and he HATES me. lately, for lunch, you’ve been having, like, this little six-ounce cup of yogurt, plain yogurt, into which you stir some bee pollen, because you’re on some kind of bee pollen kick, even though i tell you you’re a scientist and you should know better”

AWWWWWWW, STOOOOP :( 

he notices so many stupid little things…. and he knows bill hates him…. and why has she been into pollen lately now that she knows some pollen has an alien virus in it...?? i have so many questions!!

she still doesn’t believe him, though!!! and she drives away!!! while his "wife" is calling him a cheater and tossing all of his stuff out of the house!!!

ARGH, scully!!! i want her to BELIEVE him!!

maybe he should have gone more esoteric with his confessions. that post about them needing some secret word to truly identify each other gets more and more true the deeper i get into this series.

it would have made things very awkward, but i would have said "last week you saved me from drowning in the bermuda triangle, and when i was in my hospital bed, i confessed my love to you, and you probably thought i was high, but i meant it. i meant it. and you were the only one in the room so HOW COULD I HAVE FOUND THIS INFORMATION OUT? PLEASE, scully, it's ME!"

"remember that time 5 years ago we were hunting the liver eating lizard man and you got me a liver sandwich? that was so funny!" etc etc.

it is safe to say i would not handle being placed in this situation well. he says he can find evidence and prove to her that the body swapping really did happen. i am glad he has not given up hope.

but morris-as-mulder followed scully down to nevada??? and he calls the guy who morris works with, saying that he knows who leaked the information??? oh my GOD!! he's going to frame mulder so he can keep staying in his body!!

so mulder-as-morris is in area 51, shuffling through classified documents, trying to find the scientific evidence to prove to scully that such a time warp could take place by stealing a bunch of evidence and attempting to dip. which i imagine will not go well, because someone is watching him!!! 

NO! kersh calls her!!! he says she better follow his instructions to the letter or don’t bother coming back to DC at all!!!

i really despise this kersh fellow.

NOOOOO!!!! she is forced to organize a sting operation when she meets up with mulder-as-morris!!! and he gets taken away as he tries to bring her the proof!!!! he’s screaming that he wouldn’t do this, and that it isn’t him!!! 

ohhhh :( this makes me sad!!!

to be continued...

this was another somewhat silly one with the agents being thrust into such a ridiculous situation, but i am sad for each of our characters!!! scully was literally assaulted and her bestie turned into a horrible person overnight, and mulder is trapped in another person’s body!! and no one believes him!! ohhh :(

there are definitely some elements of this episode that have... aged poorly. misogyny, man. it is a hell of a drug, and very rarely a funny punchline, one that i am not finding funny on today of all days. whew, boy. i don't enjoy seeing scully subjected to such things.

i'm also a staunch scully defender, but this time i was like, oh my gosh queen, please just believe. just this once! it's okay! i won't even snitch that you are betraying your tidy worldview!

i do think by the end she was believing him based on the way she apologized and how furious she was with morris-as-mulder; i mean, i can never, EVER imagine mulder slapping her ass or not caring about the x files. like. c'mon. that's mr. spooky. he will never abandon the grind or his life's work.

i think this episode was pretty okay, but yuck, morris-as-mulder calling scully a bitch, hooking up with that random lady, slapping her ass, disrespecting her... you'll forgive me if i say "ew". yes, i get it, that was the point; real mulder wouldn't do those things! but that doesn't mean i have to enjoy the idea of scully thinking he would or experiencing them as if it really was him doing so. we have enough of that in real life to the point where i want to see it addressed in a serious manner rather than a cheap joke, or just not at all.

(gestures vaguely to the current state of things to make my point)

yeah, i know. the 90's. things have changed. i know!! but you're getting the show through new eyes, and this is how i see it.

maybe in time this episode will grow on me, because it did have very funny elements, but it is hard to say.

also, looking back, i am laughing at how intensely i analyzed that opening scene, only for them to be IMMEDIATELY separated. many such cases.

so. where do we go from here?!? i guess we shall have to tune into part 2!

[skojukebox]

More cryptid/alien rankings. Even if only I read them, they must be done for posterity.

The Sandown Clown, a.k.a "All-Colors-Sam", seems like a sweet guy. His living situation probably isn't ideal, hanging out in a tin shack beside a river and calling to people with his weird little PA system, but he's also sad and pathetic in a way that makes you kinda wanna root for him? We've all had a friend like this dude. He's awkward and he's weird but he's trying his best. Can't hate him. You wanna help him if you can.

The problem is his fit, I guess. Total sweetheart, totally harmless and just wants to talk to you a little, but you're looking a little like a Garten of Banban character, brother. Still, there's potential; get him to come out of his (clown-shaped) shell a little and maybe walk him through a makeover and you might just have a diamond in the rough here. 6/10

The Jersey Devil... I dunno, we're getting a little bit too much on the pet side of things here. On one hand, he is at least... Partly human? At least, that's how the story goes. Actually, speaking of his story, is it just me or is it really messed up? His mom sarcastically goes "let this next child be the devil" because she's sick of having kids, and god is just like "okay"? And stuffs a camel-bat-giraffe inside of her that I assume instagibs her on the way out? Dick move, christian god. Real rough home life this little dude had.

Still, I dunno. Just look at him. I feel like if he did a 23andme it would come back like 5% human or something. This is the kind of cryptid you ride around on and go on adventures with. Maybe he talks to you in a very silly voice, too? But no smooching is gonna happen in the Pine Barrens, at least not with this fella. 1/10

Spring-heeled Jack's got a kind of swag. Look at this dude! Tight ass pants? Check. Crazy cape? Check. Guy's got a feather in his weird helmet. You know a dude with a feather in his cap is gonna at the very least talk like Slayer from Guilty Gear. If you want an antiquated sort of gentlemanly daddy supernatural boyfriend, he's probably your best shot.

Then you dig a little and you realize at least what half of this guy did was pester women. Jumping at them and going "wee-hee-heeeee!" is one thing, but Spring-heeled Jack loved to get a little bit too touchy-feely for my taste. What a waste! You've got the looks, you've got the ups, why don't you just hang out at basketball courts and impress women with dunks if you're that down bad, dude.

This is a big case of looks not being everything. Bro plays too much. 3/10

Indrid Cold is responsible for the scariest scene in the movie version of The Mothman Prophecies, but the more you actually look into him, the more you realize he was just a very absurd and tangential part of the gigantic UFO flap that was going on in 1966. A classic example of an initially intriguing story that goes off the deep end because the person telling it really only had one idea. They always end up going on the stupid space voyage and ruining the whole thing, huh?

But real or not, is that really a face you want to see on a daily basis? He perpetually looks like he just farted and he's very excitedly waiting to see if you'll notice or not. No thanks, I'm good. 3/10

Bigfoot is time-tested, not only in staying power of his sightings, but in romantic potential. He's just kind of a chick (and dude) magnet. And how can you blame us? Look at the gentle grace, the poise. That is a pose that I have made many times when someone tries to talk to me when I am stumbling down the sidewalk hungover on my way to get a greasy gas station sandwich, which if you ask me, is probably when I am at my most beautiful.

People have been writing tender (and very un-tender) love scenes starring Bigfoot since before I was born. In 2018, politician Denver Riggleman was elected to the United States House of Representatives after it was revealed that he had in the past written Bigfoot erotica. I like to believe that the reason for this is because the people of Virginia found it imminently relatable. Somewhere, deep in our DNA, is a desire for the missing link to lift us up and hold us tenderly. 8/10

[autistic-crypt1d]

Stargate SG-1 Live Blogging

Season 4

Wooo season 4! Almost at 5

Seasons: 1, 2, 3

Updates:

- Small Victories

- and another banger episode

- Daniel sprinting to the gateroom is so cute

- y'all, Teal'c and Jack being in this sub STRESSES ME OUTTT. It's such a small spaceeee

- like imagine being them right now. You're in a submarine with barely enough space to walk around, carrying guns and tactical gear, knowing that the sub you're in is literally infested with mechanical spiders who slaughtered the entire crew. Spiders you just witnessed take down an ASGARD SHIP.

- I fucking LOVE the replicator sounds y'all

- The Other Side

- Jack really pisses me off in this episode. I appreciate the fact that he eventually got his head out if his ass, but he only did that because the dude made a comment about Teal'c

- Upgrades

- bruh she is pushy af

- poor teal'c

- ahhh yes the sam/jack scene

- Crossroads

- I took a break from doing this for like, a few months, but here we go!

- ah man I really don't care for this episode but ok

- I'm gonna be saying that a lot until like, season 5 ngl. I've been watching this show since I was 7 and it was still coming out so the first few seasons have been watched a lot more than the rest

- honestly I'm skipping this I'm sorry

- Divide and Conquor

- ooooo good episode

- Freya/Anise is a lot better in this episode than in Upgrades

- * smooches jack * * watches him profess his love for Sam *

- Window of Opportunity

- A CLASSIC

- Jack seems really depressed like, immediately. The first loop he's acting like he's been through 20 already. He is especially like this when talking to Carter though, the last episodes confession seems to be lingering, ouchie

- "come on is this the face of a crazy man?!" Jack O'Neill

- "I ask you... what could possibly be in my eye that would explain this?" XD

- JOSEPH MALLOZZI P.H.D XD

- "IN THE MIDDLE OF MY BACKSWING?!?!" ICONIC

- they really learned allll of that just for the dude to shut it down

- Watergate

- I just watched this one earlier today (I have this show playing in the background like all the time as background noise)

- I love that the plane scene is one of the only times we ever see Teal'c nervous, it's so cute

- Daniel is so damn sassy in this episode and love it, "but it's Swiss" BRUH XD

- Jack is so child-like around Teal'c compared to the others. I think that because of how strong and responsible he is, he gives Jack the chance to relax more

- The First Ones

- LOVE this episode!!

- I just watched the second Chakka episode earlier today and it's so funny to see this one now. He's so spooky and intimidating for most of this and then the next time we see him he's like a kid at Christmas seeing Daniel and I love it

- * was just told to shut up * "we're communicating" XD

- toss the symbiote head XD I love the campfire scene so much

- "don't say Ka till you try it"

- let's go Chakka!!

- bro really pulled out the Bigfoot pose

- Scorched Earth

- honestly, pretty boring episode in my opinion, skio

- Beneath the Surface

- also another boring one, skip

- Point of No Return

- Martin!

- Jack's little smile at the lizard people thing XD

- everytime I see Martin I can't help but see the dude he plays on white collar, doesn't help that his name also starts with an m

- I love the running gag of Teal'c and fake weapons

- I love Teal'c unabashed love of sci-fi so much

- Martin seeing his homeworld again only for it to be completely destroyed is so sad, it makes me think of Ronon :(

- Tangent

- oh boy this one, it's really good but man everytime I watch it after it's been a while it makes me so sad and stresseddd

- Apoxic Jack is so sad 😭

- The Curse

- an ok episode, not super notable to me

- The Serpent's Venom

- maaaan another episode than makes me sad and stressedddd

- Teal'c 😭

- the why would I lie speech, AHHHHHH

- "how bad?" "Very very bad" "daaaaaad" XD

- Sam and Daniel are so cute when they're working together

- Chain Reaction

- ah yes the O'Neill Maybourne team up

- the song of lament bit XD

- ah yes, this fool

- "what do we do major?" Big tough guy until shit gets real huh

- god Kinsey's religion spewing makes me so mad

- Hammond is back in office, all is right with the world

- "one day I may ask you to, buy back my soul" AND HAMMOND NODS

- 2010

- not my favorite episode, but I do absolutely adore the Aschen as an enemy concept

- I hate the thick rimmed glasses they slap on Daniel in this

- I really love Teal'c outfit in this I gotta say

- seeing Sam in pain like this is so sad 😭

- Jack being isolated from the entire group breaks my heartttt

- Daniel's disguise XD

- Absolute Power

- is this the one I think it is?

- "I'm Daniel! Who's calling?" * He says, yelling at a sandstorm *

- ah it is, I don't care for this episode so I'm skipping it

- The Light

- ahhh this one, kinda boring but I'll watch it

- ow, the balcony scene 😭

- I still don't understand how the first teams missed the kid. Aren't they trained to explore the whole building and surrounding area??? They would've found his bedroom!

- Jack yanking Daniel off the bed and sprinting through the gate is so good, and the way he protects his head as he lays him down, AHHHH

- poor kid :(

- Prodigy

- ahhh Cadet Hailey episode!

- god I love when Jack gets all awkward XD

- this episode makes me think of the supersoldier episode and I'm so excited to get to thatttt

- this one is kinda meh though in my opinion. I like the next Hailey episode a lot more

- Sam fighting for Hailey's future is so wholesome

- just noticed a continuity error, Hailey was on her right side when they went in and when they came out she was on her left

- I still think it's really interesting that these energy creatures appear both here in the Milky Way AND in the Pegasus Galaxy! I wonder I'd the ancients brought them there or somehow they evolved identically in two separate galaxies

- bro hurryyyyyyy

- Entity

- I saw this once recently so I probably won't have many thoughts at the moment

- I will say that the very small amount we get to see of the planet the entity comes from is so neat and I so desperately wish we got to see more

- this episode could've been so cute. The way Jack is playing with it?? Imagine if it really was intended to be a passive probe and the damage was an accident, imagine if it was just trying to be friends 😭

- "just... give it a minute, yeah?" Owie

- love the "I am here" imagery on all the monitors, so neat

- him reaching for her haaaaand ahhhhhh

- Double Jeopardy

- it's cool because if you're paying attention to Daniel you can tell that this isn't the real SG-1, he had long hair when the android copies were made and now he has short hair. This version still has the long hair thus, not real Daniel, neat attention to detail

- Sam's hair too, but hers changes so much it's hard to notice sometimes 😅

- the Jack's fighting is so fucking funny

- "for our father's" 😭

- :(

- Exodus

- I love how smug jack is in this

- I really like the desert uniforms

- poor Jack stuck in the glider with Teal'c XD

- "mayday, mayday, we are SO going down!"

Season 5

[ask-the-clergy-bc]

Not really an ask(im still trying to pick a good one to ask), but i was going thought my notes i wrote down for your blog and i found this, this whole situation is so funny to me.

-Somewhere, outhere there is a photo/video of Rain, completely naked, full ghoul form, doing the bigfoot pose in from of a lake that he was ready to swim in. Yes, it was taken by some teens that were trespassing, yes it ended up on some 'strange creature caught on camera' videos, yes he gets a mag/tshirt with that photo every year for Halloween/summoning day.

Too bad, because this is so hilarious I HAVE TO ADD TO IT! XD

Rain Being Caught as a Cryptid

~Rain was shitting his pants when this first happened because he thought he was going to get in big trouble. All he wanted to do was use the lake saved for water ghoul recreation! How was he supposed to know someone had a CAMERA?

~But he wasn't blamed, because this occurred on Private Ministry Grounds. The teens were definitely trespassing and were hunted down immediately.

~Unfortunately, they had posted the video of Rain onto the internet. Aside from destroy the phone that held the pictures and video; there was only so much the Clergy could do as a cover up.

~The video went viral so fast. Rain was dubbed "The Lake Merman Cryptid".

~What ended up happening was a stressful, week long campaign of exposing the videos and pictures online as 'fake'. When the teens were found the Ministry made sure that the uploading account 'come out' about 'the truth.' That the videos of Rain were "TOTALLT JUST MAKE UP EFFECTS GUYS! SORRY!! THIS WAS JUST AN ART PROJECT LOL". Luckily, the internet bought it. No one is sure what happened to the teens, but no one really cared.

~Rain is not ashamed of his appearance or being caught nude... but man, he has NOT lived this incident down.

~The rest of the band find it hilarious. Sodo loves it the most. Every time the tour bus passes a lake or a beach Sodo will IMMEDIATELY look at Rain. "Don't let the humans catch you bare assed AGAIN!!"

~Every time someone online makes merch of this Internet favorite 'Hot Mermaid Cryptid' the other ghouls will buy it. The ghouls especially love that it went viral because that means Rain gets drawn in all styles of fanart. They have stickers, art prints, and even one well made keychain of the "Lake Merman" and Bigfoot high fiving.

~Every anniversary of the internet video posting they get Rain a new piece of merch. Sodo likes to call it BARE ASS LAKE DAY!! Rain both loves and despises it.

[thefiresontheheight]

bad vibes: heavily posed trans woman having some unseen photographer taking high quality photo of her, clearly geared towards semi-official release

best vibes ever: girl with a dozen disorders and the worst fashion sense imaginable taking a somewhat horny mirror selfie in her grimy-ass bathroom. there are videos of bigfoot with better focus and resolution than it. semi-visible bulge

[confetti-critter]

heres the WIP. I wanted to do a picture that had alt. design choices like more alien-like eyes, and more sprinkle looking markings on the body/head, and I wanted to experiment with using different colours (like not stark white for the body and stark black for the lines) so I colour picked from a picture of "internet" coloured crayola crayons cuz that seemed fitting. Here are the things I was stuck on:

-I wanted to add a pair of wings, but I couldn't get it to look right with the pose, and I couldn't figure out the colour/colours the wings would be anyway. I was trying to make them look like drain fly wings.

-I wanted to add a background to make it look more like the bigfoot photo I traced as a reference (maybe even blur it. Also put a red circle around it like you see in those old cryptid photos lol)

-I wanted to try shading

anyway. gleeby deeby ass

oh, here's the crayons too (the colours I picked were plug+play pink, on-line orange, world wide web yellow, point+click green, web surfin' blue, and www.purple lol):

[bisluthq]

oh travis definitely benefited from the relationship but he has crazy CRAZY people after him since then. in these subs you have maylors and gaylors who live in kc and basically harassed his family and broke something from travis's workout once, a crazy stalker who says he will kill travis (he said he would do it in the week travis wasn't even in kc anymore so it's like mostly a deranged person. but from what some ppl told they have pics of travis' house so dangerous anyway if true. i hope not), and also on the snark sub there are people who post a nude from time to time claiming to be travis'. apparently the mods delete it almost immediately (never saw it, not active there) but a lot of them saw it �� they like to joke that it's small so it's obviously some sort of harassment? and that nude wasn't leaked before taylor because it would be public knowledge so even if it's true (which i assume it isn't) it's bizarre that the person who has it decided to leak it on a snark sub about him that exists only because of his relationship with taylor.

like, this man putting up with all this is proof to me that head over hells over her. there's no way he isn't all in.

100% agree. Look, if the relationship had ended some time ago, like say a month or two after the London show, I could say “ok this was a mutually beneficial arrangement - she didn’t want to seem heartbroken over Joe and Matty and Travis wanted the boost in popularity” yk if they’d said they split because distance is too hard or they’re too busy or something like yess. But by now like firstly it’d be hard to keep faking it and secondly yes the negative attention would be getting old for Travis. Also even then it would’ve been astounding efforts to go through because there were those grainy ass pap pics of Kylie in RI and why would you include your press bf’s SIL in private pics you’re not even in and can’t guarantee will happen. Also even at the beginning like the videos of them at the NYE party that were leaked. Like that’s way too much effort to go to when nothing is guaranteed and you’re better off doing a nice clear pap walk or like posed pics because fans would enjoy that more and more media outlets would run that stuff than Bigfoot sightings? And no lol I remain unconvinced that a PR team goes to those lengths for fake shit because it’s like… a lot of effort… and when shit *is* very patently fake (Glenn X Sydney for example) there are still people who truther because the photo series and stuff are always so cute and clear and whatnot. So no. They’re way better off just going the easy route if the goal is promotion.

[housamo-stories]

Tokyo city of stone chapter 1 (Housamo)

it was a warm day in Tokyo as spring had begun, at Shinjuku academy MC had just awoken from their slumber thanks to their familiar L'il Salamon and was getting dressed as today was an important day for them, the Kamata crafters were holding a bodybuilding contest and everyone was going to be there, after they finished changing they began heading out to meet everyone.

After a bit of walking they finally reached their destination, as they entered the front gate they saw a large stage with a large tent in the back before seeing their friends and loved ones.

Sal-wow master this stage is huge! Can't wait to see the show!

MC-yeah! Even Asterius and Bigfoot will be participating!

They walk through the large courtyard of the crafters a bit before spotting Ded and Shennong and making their way over to them.

MC-hey Ded, Shennong.

Ded-ho, ho, ho, and a hello to you my love.

Shennong-hey kid, glad you made it here safely.

They see Ded wearing some green thigh high shorts with a white polo shirt and Shennong wearing black posing trunks.

MC-Shennong are you participating in the contest too?

Shennong-yep, thought it would be a good opportunity to show my beloved the goods their future husband has to offer, heh.

Ded-to my surprise I heard that Claude and Snow would also be participating in the contest as well.

MC-really?!

Ded-yes, last I saw they were in the changing room backstage with the others.

MC-well then I'll have to see this for myself, see ya later, love you.

Ded and Shennong-love you too.

MC then begins to head for the tent and upon entering spots Macan who is only wearing the undergarment he usually wears under his loincloth.

MC-hiya Macan!

Macan-heya MC! glad you could make it! can't wait to show you what I'm made of! My muscles are absolute perfection, today it'll be an eat or be eaten battle of biceps and muscles!

MC-well good luck hon! show 'em why your my mate!

Macan-you bet yer cute ass I will! Guahahaha!

They explore the tent a bit further before finally finding Snow flexing his bicep in the mirror.

MC-hey Snow! Finally found you.

Snow-MC! It is good to see you my love.

MC-so where's Claude? He's usually with you almost 24/7

Snow-he is currently in the changing room behind you getting ready.

Claude-do our ears deceive us? Hello our beloved gladiator! We thought we heard your voice, were you so anxious to see us in our posing trunks that you could no longer contain yourself? Well then gaze upon our gloriously toned muscles!

MC saw how well toned and ripped Claude was, his legs were like thick tree trunks and his arms like two thick logs with broad shoulders, and his chest almost like two fluffy pillows and his abs well toned.

Snow-your body is truly magnificent my love, as it is befitting for one such as you.

Claude-do not humble yourself our darling, for your body is just as magnificent as ours.

Claude was correct as they noticed Snow's legs were bigger, thicker as well as his arms and pecs, Snow clearly had been training very hard to be able to get his body to this point as the results were evident.

Snow-I thank you my beloved, though I am unworthy of such praise.

MC-well I'll see you two later, good luck!

Snow-wait but a moment my love.

MC-huh?

Snow stops them before wrapping his arms around them and pulling them into a kiss.

Snow-that was for luck.

Claude-Snow do not think you shall be the only one who will give them such a cherished charm of love?

Claude then too gives them a kiss for good luck.

Claude-there now, we are of equal footing, now be off our beloved as we will soon show you the fruits of our training.

MC begins heading for the exit before they are stopped by Asterius and Bigfoot.

Bigfoot-MC! Good to see you! Me happy you could come.

Asterius-h-h-hey MC, I-I'm glad you could make it.

MC-can't wait to see you two out there! I'm sure you'll be great!

Asterius-y-y-yeah, I was a little nervous at first, but since I knew you were going to be here, I told myself everything would be ok.

MC-well that's good, i'm glad you found the courage to come out and show your stuff.

Bigfoot-know there will be lots of people, but you here now so everything ok.

MC-c'mere you two how about a kiss for luck.

Both-o-ok

MC gives the two large bulls a quick peck on the lips before heading out of the tent as they wave to them, as they exit they run into Aegir and Dagon who are wearing their speedos for the event.

Aegir-well hello my beautiful diamond, I hope you are doing well.

Dagon-hiya MC been awhile, still as lovely as ever.

MC-hey you two! good luck out there today!

Aegir-I thank you for your support, I will show you the true brilliance of the deep sea king.

Dagon-heh, heh, I'll put on a show so good that you won't be able to take your eyes off me, heh, heh.

MC-looking forward to it, gotta go love you!

Aegir-love you too, my little treasure.

Dagon-I as well my beloved.

The two large men soon head backstage before a voice catches them from behind.

Voice-my beloved brother! I am glad to see you!

They turn around and see Ahura Mazda standing there in his swimsuit, his muscles rippling and tan skin glistening.

Ahura Mazda-I hope you have not gotten into trouble, as I would have to smite you if you have.

MC-oh hey Ahura! N-no I haven't I swear!

Ahura Mazda-good! Now let me embrace you to my chest as your reward!

Ahura Mazda takes them into his arms before tenderly holding them to his massive muscular chest, before setting them down.

Ahura Mazda-I hope you enjoy yourself today! As I show my magnificent body to everyone!

MC-good luck out there! Here lend me your ear a moment.

Ahura leans down hearing what they have to say before they plant a kiss on his cheek and quickly back away.

Ahura Mazda-how deceitful, I shall pay you back in kind after the show I guarantee you of that.

MC-alright, but I get a head start ok?

Ahura Mazda-deal.

MC leaves the tent area and wanders around seeing all the food stalls lined up from the courtyard.

MC-they really went all out for this thing huh?

Hephaestus-yes we certainly did.

MC quickly turns to see Hephaestus and Talos standing behind them.

Hephaestus-h-hello M-Mama, it's good to see you made it.

Talos-yes, it is also fortunate that we have such fine weather today as well, is it not creator?

Hephaestus-y-yes indeed it is.

MC-oh, hi Hephaestus, Talos, I'm happy to see you too!

Hephaestus-O-oh M-Mama.

soon a large form drops from the sky and lands behind them.

Ophion-My beloved spouse! I have found you!

MC-Ophion?!

Hephaestus-Oh no not him!

MC is surprised at Ophion's grand entrance before noticing his wardrobe, they see he is wearing white posing trunks similar to his swimsuit just without his suspenders, it contours his massive thick muscular legs and allows his upper body to show off every last muscle.

MC-woah lookin' good hon!

Ophion-I am glad you like it, I have been training diligently with Gyumao for this day so that I may show you the true gloriousness of the primordial dragon that you will someday wed!

MC-wow! just for me?!

Ophion then looks over at Hephaestus.

Ophion-hello my beloved son, I hope that you are well.

Hephaestus-D-don't call me that! I am no son of yours nor anyone else's! Mama is the only one I love.

Ophion-I see, but someday you shall acknowledge me as your true father! until then do take care of yourself. My spouse I must take my leave of you to prepare.

MC then jumps into Ophion's large arms before kissing him on the lips.

MC-I love you.

Ophion-and I you my love, I shall see you soon.

Ophion then puts them back down before leaving and heading backstage.

Hephaestus-I really can't stand him, calling me his son, the nerve!

Talos-yes quite arrogant indeed.

MC-c'mon Heph he's not so bad, at least he's trying.

Hephaestus-but still.

MC-at least try to get along, after all I'll end up married to him someday, then he really will be your father.

Hephaestus-o-o-ok Mama, since it's you asking I'll try my best.

MC leaves Hephaestus to check out the stalls for the event seeing all the different foods and games that have been set up.

Sal-woah! this place is absolutely packed with all kinds of yummy food and games right master!

MC-yeah, it's really impressive, reminds me of a festival!

Tajikarao-indeed it is.

MC jumps with a start at hearing Tajikarao suddenly come up from behind them.

Tajikarao-oh, sorry! I thought you were aware that I was here!

Oguchi Magami-Hiya MC! I've missed you! woof

MC-h-hey Tajikarao, hey Magami I didn't notice you were here.

Tajikarao-were you just talking to someone earlier?

Sal-ack!

MC-No, no, no, I was talking to myself that's all, hey are you and Magami in the contest too?

Tajikarao-indeed we are, this is a fine chance for us to show off our muscles for the Kiou police academy cadets so they may feel inspired to strive to be fine officers.

Oguchi Magami-i'll show the newbies in the K-9 division what a real K-9 hound is capable of, arf.

MC-sounds great, hope you'll be thinking about me too while your up there.

Tajikarao-o-oh y-yes I shall my love.

Oguchi Magami-me too! hehehehe.

MC-well good luck and have fun you two, see ya.

They make their way down to the end of the stalls before running into Balor and Arsalan.

Balor-greetings my beloved grandchild, have you come to see your grandfather show off his body in front of everyone?

Arsalan-hello my beloved young cub, I am truly excited to be able to show everyone the fruits of my training, gahahaha.

MC-glad to see you both are excited about it, you both should get changed as it will be starting soon.

Arsalan-oh! Then we must hurry! Lead the way my love!

MC leads the two to the large tent behind the stage and shows them inside to the changing room.

Chernobog-oh my love, I am glad to see you made it.

MC-oh, hey sweetie, I knew that white speedo would look nice on you!

Chernobog-I thank you for helping me choose a sufficient wear for today's event, you truly have a keen eye for fashion.

MC-I just thought it would look cute on you that's all.

Horkeu Kamui-my hero! Thank you for helping me find a suitable garment for today, it truly is a reflection of my homeland!

Horkeu's posing trunks are navy blue with the same Ainu markings as his usual outfit.

MC-i'm just glad Arachne was being generous enough to make it.

Chernobog-well we must be going now, we shall see you after the show, until then my beloved heroic one.

Horkeu Kamui-watch me closely my love, as I shall show you the results of my training!

MC-wouldn't miss it.

Soon the two of them exit the tent before joining the others backstage, leaving them in the tent with those who are still getting ready for the event.

Voice-hey, is that my beloved MC I see?

They turn to see who the voice belongs to before seeing Perun and Volkh standing there in their posing trunks.

Perun-greetings my love, have you missed me?

MC-Perun!

They run over and wrap their arms around Perun's thick muscular body before he returns their embrace.

Perun-gahahaha! It seems that our time apart was too long if you are being this affectionate!

MC-then I guess you'll have to sleep with me tonight then.

Perun-hahaha it's a date then!

Volkh-emporer Perun we must be leaving as the event will start at any moment.

Perun-until tonight my love.

Perun takes MC's chin in his hand before kissing them on the lips, before leaving.

Kengo-I still have no Idea what you see in that guy? Oniwaka-I would be careful around him, he seems like the suspicious type to me.

MC-well he's getting better, you should see him at the botanical gardens when he reads his poems to the children and the elderly, he really seems to enjoy himself.

Kengo-whatever you say babe.

MC-your going out in your loincloths?

Oniwaka-yep, nothin' beats the fresh feelin' a traditional loincloth gives, well see ya babe.

Kengo-wish us luck partner.

With that the two of them then headed backstage.

temujin-I thought they would never leave.

MC-hey Temu-whoa!

They see Temujin before them however he is no longer the bean-poled wolf they knew as his arms were as big as Wakan Tanka's as well as his legs, his pecs now bigger like overstuffed pillows.

Temujin-heh, heh, like what you see then? I have been diligently training these past months with Gyumao, and I must say that the results are quite pleasing.

MC-i'll say!

Temujin-perhaps tonight i'll let you feel them to your hearts desire, until then my mate.

Temujin then exits the tent leaving MC almost speechless.

Sal-wow master! He sure gained a lot of muscle in a few months!

MC-y-yeah, whatever Gyumao does it seems to work really well!

Arsalan-hey cub we're back, did we miss anythin'?

MC-no you still have some time.

Balor-well then let us not delay, but before I take my leave of you.

Balor lifts MC to his chest holding them close.

Balor-I love you my darling grandchild.

MC-I know, I love you too grandpa.

Arsalan-hey let me get some love too!

Balor then hands them over to Arsalan's awaiting embrace before the large lion wraps them in a tight hug.

Arsalan-love you my beloved cub.

MC-love... You... Too... Arsalan.

he then releases his grip on them before he and Balor exit the tent to the stage where Andvari begins announcing the beginning of the event, they then proceed to exit the tent before seeing Y'golonac, Surtr, Orgus, and Gordon standing before them.

Y'golonac-hey there MC! Glad you could make it!

Surtr-my beloved child of Muspell, have you come to watch your beloved father flaunt his dazzling strength in front of the common folk?

Orgus-hey MC long time no see.

Gordon-how's our school's resident troublemaker today?

MC-hey everyone, you all participating too?

Surtr-quite as I would never pass up a chance to show off my magnificently sculpted muscles!

Orgus-this "bodybuilding" you called it? Peaked my interest, so I signed up for this event as well!

Gordon-yes, as I felt the same way I signed up myself.

Y'golonac-nah, me and Cipactli are gonna watch and enjoy the food, I'm only wearin' my speedos due to the warm weather, havin' fur is murder.

MC-well good luck you three, may the best muscles win!

with that said the three men then enter backstage before MC and Y'golonac head to the front of the stage where MC then spots Ded and their adopted fathers Mononobe, Triton, and Jinn, they then meet up with Cipactli who is accompanied by Tezcatlipoca, Cusith, Leib, and Gyobu.

Tezcatlipoca-my other half! It is good to see you!

MC-hey Tez good to see you too! Hey, where's Hombre Tigre? He's usually with you.

Tezcatlipoca-worry not my beloved as he had entered into the great battle of the biceps as well, take a look and see for yourself.

They look and see Hombre Tigre peeking out of the curtain before waving to him, upon seeing this the large panther gives them his usual signature grin with a thumbs up before disappearing backstage.

Cusith-top of the mornin' to ya MC, I'm so happy you made it, Fenrir so was worried you wouldn't, I'm glad he was wrong.

MC-hey Cusith! So you and Leib are wearing your swimsuits too huh?

Leib-yeah fur's a killer no matter how warm it is! Plus this is the best time to let loose for once before resuming life as usual.

MC-is Jambavan here too?

Cusith-yeah! He's over at the stalls getting some snacks.

Gyobu-hey there m'lord hope you've been well since I last saw you, the kiddo's miss ya when yer not around.

MC-i'll be sure to stop by and play with them sometime soon.

Cipactli-my love! I am overjoyed you are here! If you should need any refreshments I would be happy to get some for you! Anything just name it!

MC-I'm good for right now, but thanks anyway.

Ded-my love the show will be starting soon, come stand next to me so we may watch it together.

MC-sorry guys, I'll catch you later ok?

They Make their way to Ded before noticing two large figures approach them, they look over to see that it is their boyfriends Yasuyori and Ashigara.

Ashigara-hey babe! How ya doin'?

Yasuyori-C-Commander, I mean my love, it is nice to see that you are in perfect health on this fine day!

MC-hey you two! Glad you could make it! Have either of you seen Wakan Tanka or Moritaka anywhere?

Ashigara-yeah, Wakan's backstage.

Yasuyori-Moritaka and our father are currently running one of the stalls with Tadatomo, while Nobumichi is backstage with the others.

MC-(Shino never gives those two a break now does he?) well anyway, you two enjoy yourselves today, ok?

With that they leave the two sumo wrestlers to enjoy themselves before joining Ded and the others closer to the stage.

MC-hey Ded sorry I took so long to get back to you.

Ded-ho, ho, ho, it is quite alright, as I know how important everyone is to you my darling, look the show is about to start.

MC-have you seen Krampus anywhere?

Ded-he is up there with the others.

MC-seriously?! Didn't think he would be into this kind of thing, he's usually very shy.

Ded-I have been working with him to conquer his stage fright this past month, so he should be ready to handle anything.

MC-if you say so.

Ded-hush now my love for it is starting.

Andvari-our first contestants please step up to the stage and show us what your made of!

The first contestants to walk out onto the stage are Krampus, Arsalan, Snow, Claude, Perun and Tajikarao.

MC-wow! Krampus first, didn't expect that.

Andvari-ok boys show us all what you've got to offer!

Everyone begins flexing their muscles and doing various poses.

MC-Sal take as many pictures as you can get of all this.

Sal-on it!

The small goat soon begins snapping one picture after another of their boyfriends on stage posing, their muscles rippling with every movement they make.

Andvari-ok our next contestants please make your way to the stage.

The next contestants up are Typhon, Tetsuox, Wakan Tanka, Bigfoot, Asterius, Shennong and Gyumao.

Andvari-ok boys you know what to do.

Bigfoot-no worry Asterius see? MC is right there.

Asterius-heh, y-yeah lets do our best!

Gyumao- my muscles are ready, gahahaha!

Shennong-watch me my love as I show you how big your future husband is!

Soon they all begin striking one pose after another MC and Sal both snapping pictures all the while.

Mononobe-oh my they are quite skilled.

Ded-indeed.

Soon Andvari calls the next contestants to the stage and seeing it was Surtr, Balor, Ophion, Amatsumara, and Avarga.

Amatsumara-ok men show the young'uns why we're top dogs when it comes to muscle.

Ophion-I shall indeed, watch me closely my beloved spouse!, as this is all for you!

each of them strike a pose showing off their large muscles and bouncing their pecs, but soon the next group is called to the stage and line up revealing they are Ahura Mazda, Chernobog, Aegir, Fenrir, Volkh, and Dagon.

Aegir-watch me my beloved gem.

Dagon-bet they can't take their eyes off me, heh, heh.

Fenrir-(they came after all, very well then) watch me my mate! As this Fenrir will dazzle you with his very body!

Ahura Mazda-hope your ready for this my brother.

once again the contestants strike pose after pose getting cheers from the crowd before the next group takes to the stage.

Andvari-looks like some Oni are in this batch folks!

It shows the contestants to be Oniwaka, Orgus, Kengo, Takemaru, red Oni, Temujin, and Gordon.

Oniwaka-don't cry when you lose Takabushi.

Kengo-same goes for you Houzouin.

Orgus-let us do our best everyone!

Red Oni-do best for master, show them the strength of Oni!

Takemaru-lets do this!

Temujin-shall make sure to be as irresistible as possible, for MC.

everyone begins posing once again getting the crowd all fired up

Tianzun-heh, what have we here.

MC-Tianzun?! Where'd you come from?!

Tianzun-why I've been here the whole time my darling.

MC-oh yeah I forgot.

Soon the next contestants make their way onto the stage revealing them to be Macan, Hombre Tigre, Horkeu Kamui, Oguchi Magami and Nobumichi.

Horkeu-watch in awe my love! And see the results of my training!

Magami-everyone's looking at me, now's my chance to show everyone what I'm really made of, arf!

Macan-bring it on! I'll out pose and out lift all of ya!

Nobumichi-MC, watch as your big bro wows you with my charms.

Soon everyone begins posing flexing every muscle on their body that they can before Andvari calls all the contestants to the stage for one last flex off.

Andvari-ok everyone lets have one more round whaddya say?

The crowd then cheers at his question wanting an encore.

Andvari-you heard 'em boys, give 'em what they want.

Kimun-oh my, how exciting!

(else where in Tokyo)

Scientist Transient-aha at last I've done it! This basilisk potion will revolutionize all of Tokyo, and soon I will be known throughout the city.

However unknown to the scientist the vile soon began to shake violently with bubbles building up inside.

(back at the crafters)

Andvari-alright boys assume your poses.

Everyone does as the dwarf says as they get into different poses, then suddenly a quick flash of bright white light engulfs the sky and city leaving no shadows.

Ded-get under me my darling!

Ded pushes MC to the ground shielding them with his body, that's the last thing they remember before their world goes dark.

Tokyo city of stone chapter 1 prologue

End

[notabonestealer]

@kwanisms-replies the second pic is the bigfoot ass pose i was talking about the other day 😭

PAUSE bc i've just realized i missed bobby day 😭

so here are some low-quality, mildly cryptid-like pictures of this high-quality, sunshine of a man. happy belated birthday, bestie 🫶

photos taken by yours truly. © September 2023 nebulousbrainsoup. do not repost.

[twasday]

𝕋𝕠𝕜𝕪𝕠 𝕆𝕣𝕡𝕙𝕒𝕟𝕤

Characters: Mikey|Manjiro Sano, Baji Keisuke, Takashi Mitsuya, Draken|Ken Ryuuguji, Smiley|Nahoya Kawata, Luna Mitsuya, Mana Mitsuya, Mentions of Takemichi Hanagaki

Genre: Crack, possibly fluff

Warnings: Cussing, Violence, Smiley accusing his friends of being racist AS A JOKE

Summary: Mitsuya wants his friends to help him with modeling for his next competition but all they do is provoke each other and it ends with Smiley and Baji in the ER. 

A/N: I had fun projecting through Smiley they seem like the kinda person to say something is racist when there is the smallest inconvenience. I’m not extremely happy with this but I do think it's a start. 

Smiley is Black, Non-binary, and uses They/Them pronouns. Baji is Hispanic and speaks Spanish.

“My ass doesn’t look fat enough in this dress Mitsuya.” 

Mitsuya rolled his eyes as he heard Baji complain about the dress he forced him to model in for his next competition. Baji had his backside facing the mirror as he kept one hand on his hip, turning around to get an image of his figure. “It’s not outlining the hourglass figure that I worked years for, this is simply tyranny.” Baji swept his hair behind his ear, slightly annoyed. 

“There wasn’t much in the back to begin with, you should be glad that dress gives you any shape at all.” Draken taunted as he fixed the jet-black lace corset that squeezed his abdomen perfectly, paired with black velvet bellbottoms, and fishnet underneath that went above his belly button to decorate his v-line.  

“Draken, You're built like a fucking iPod. You have no room to talk, bigfoot.” Baji shoots back as Mitsuya tugs on the lace at the bottom of the dress, concentrating on fixing it to line up to his liking. 

“Mitsuya did amazing work on these pieces, you’re both just ugly as shit. Couldn't be me though, y’all stay safe.” Smiley says as Luna attempts to do their makeup. 

They both whip their heads around irritated by the comment “Guys please shut up, holy shit.” Mitsuya quickly cuts off their bickering to get some peace to work. 

They grumble little apologies as luna contently finishes up the red graphic eyeliner look that formed a heart around Smiley's eyes and a heart lipstick that made their cupid's bow pop. It went well with the frilly white flower dress which went about mid-thigh and had a bow tied in the front and puffy short-sleeved arms. 

“All done Hoya! You look like a pretty princess.” Luna exclaimed excitedly watching as Smiley twirled around gently, the dress perking up at their every movement. 

“Thank you, Luna. You did such a good job, I love the look.” They smiled softly at the small girl who beamed at the praise. 

“Mitsuya these clothes seem a little too casual to be part of some big ass competition, no offense I like ‘em,” Mikey said from the other side of the room, distracted by a sports magazine. “And why can't I dress up too? I have a rather slender build ya know.”

“Mike, this is just a local competition. I wanted to attempt some new stuff so I didn't wanna go too big with this piece but I still wanna make my mark.” Mitsuya swats Baji’s hand away from fiddling with the dress again. “Also, these pieces aren’t built for tiny petite kids like you there are other people with different body types,” Mitsuya grumbles quietly. 

“You mean built like a door frame? If I was a judge this would be unappealing. Who wants to go to a show to see goldie locks and a leash kid? Count me out please.” Mikey lazily states not even flinching at the harsh yells that Draken and Baji follow up with. 

“I think all of you look very cool no matter how your body looks! You’re all very handsome.” Mana happily states with a cute smile, hoping to get them to stop screaming at one another.

“Girl, don't lie to them. God took no time on those Duplo building block bitches. I was sculpted by that man's bare hands, just look at this waist.” Smiley intervenes while admiring themself in the mirror, lightly swaying and posing. 

 Chaos ensues. Baji launches at Smiley, getting them into a chokehold quickly. Smiley claws at Baji's arms, hoping to get some air, in the process of laughing hysterically. Mitsuya runs to get them off of each other, not entirely caring about the fight but just about his fashion pieces. “IM GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU TWINK,” Baji yelled as he strangled smiley. 

“Is it because I’m black?? Oh wow, I thought we were better than this Keisuke-” Draken easily pulls them out of the mix before Baji suffocates them. 

“I hate you guys oh my god." Mitsuya seethes angrily, "next time I'll ask Hakkai for help, you all are freaking animals.” 

“Just call me a monkey and be done wit’ it.” Smiley huffs, rubbing their neck hoping to soothe the pain.

Mitsuya turns his head rigidly “You are on thin ice, Nahoya. You should be glad you’re killing that dress.” 

 Smiley cheers hoarsely. “Trip and fall down some fucking stairs bitch.” Baji hisses at them in Spanish.

“Did you just call me the n-word? In Spanish??” Smiley provokes Baji once again with a shit-eating grin.

 Baji leaps to sock Smiley in the face, ultimately breaking their nose. Chaos erupts again as they beat the shit out of each other. Both of them ended up in the hospital that night. Baji with a dislocated shoulder, a busted chin, and Smiley with a broken nose and a sprained ankle. "This isn't as half bad as last week when Baji beat the fuck out of Takemichi for being in the bathroom for too long.” Baji giggles at the memory that Mikey brings up.

Mitsuya bores his eyes into the floor below him “All of you are on my hit list sleep with one eye fucking open.” 

Here was the inspo for the fits:

Draken | Baji | Smiley <3

[mst3kproject]

Caltiki, the Immortal Monster

We've talked about how there are an awful lot of fishman movies.  There are way too many Bigfoot movies.  There are even a surprising number of movies about monsters named Paul, but one thing I swear I never thought would be in two different movies is growing space blobs in the Mexican jungle.  Yet here we, are following up The Flame Barrier with Caltiki, the Immortal Monster. The cast includes Gérard Herter from Secret Agent Super Dragon and Daniele Vargas from Hercules Unchained. Mario Bava insists he didn't direct this but Riccardo Freda says he did, while most film websites blame both of them.

Long, long ago, the Maya were doing math and building pyramids in Mexico when a sudden unknown cataclysm forced them to abandon their cities. In the present (or at least the 60s), a group of scientists have come to the ruins to see if they can solve this mystery.  Two of them venture into a cave, and only one returns, raving about Caltiki, a Mayan goddess.  The rest of the party set out to find out what happened and perhaps rescue the other man, but instead discover a huge carnivorous blob monster!  Most of this beast is destroyed by crashing a gasoline truck into it, but they take a sample back to Mexico City with them for analysis.  Because that's a great idea that won't bite them in the ass at all.

The opening titles of this movie tell us that it is 'based on an ancient Mexican legend'.  I don't know anything about Mexican folklore but I did look through the List of Mayan Gods and Supernatural Beings page on Wikipedia and there are no names there that you can remotely bend into 'Caltiki'.  I'm going to assume this movie has about as much to do with ancient Mexican legends as Village of the Giants has to do with H. G. Wells' Food of the Gods. The same credits also tell us that the dancer we see ripping her own clothes off in some 'native ceremony' was a woman named Gay Pearl. The early 60's was around when the word 'gay' stopped being used to mean anything other than 'homosexual', so I suspect she changed it shortly thereafter.

Although the basic premise of a growing space blob in the jungles of Mexico is strongly reminiscent of The Flame Barrier, in several ways Caltiki, the Immortal Monster takes an opposite approach to telling the story.  One of the things that made The Flame Barrier kind of annoying was how it puttered around in the jungle with character-driven stuff for ages before it even introduced the monster.  Caltiki goes almost entirely in the other direction.  The first thing we see is the aftermath of a monster attack, with the dying archaeologist staggering back to camp.  In the minutes that follow, we watch the rest of the expedition puzzle over what happened to their colleagues, but we have almost no idea of who they are.  Most of the character development has to wait until they get back to Mexico City.

Unfortunately, the characters are really not very interesting people.  Our supposed hero is the dishwater-dull Dr. John Fielding, who is one of those movie science guys whose significant other whines because he would rather look down a microscope than gaze into her eyes.  Fielding promises his wife Ellen that he'll pay more attention to her, and I guess he does because next time we see him he appears to be happy with her and their little daughter, but if I were to call the issue 'minimally addressed' I would be giving it way too much credit.  The other subplot in the movie is about a mixed-race woman named Linda (repeatedly described as a 'half-breed') and her relationship with one of the archaeologists, Max.  Max was a dick to begin with, and when he goes mad with pain after being attacked by the blob monster he only gets worse.  He never seems very interesting or threatening, and since the audience knows there's a blob monster coming, we feel our time is being wasted.  Linda, as the only major character who isn't white, is killed when Max decides she is no longer useful to him.

Another place where Caltiki does exactly what The Flame Barrier didn't, but with far better results, is with the monster itself.  In The Flame Barrier the space blob was immobile and basically just looked like somebody spilled a truckload of petroleum jelly.  The blob of Caltiki, however, truly is the coolest thing in the movie.  It's a pulsating, leathery mass that reproduces by stickily dividing in two, and dissolves people's flesh to leave only their skeletons.  There were worse monsters on Star Trek: the Next Generation nearly thirty years later.  Not only that, but the blobs are active, able to roll around and grow to engulf screaming victims, with a satisfying sense of weight and volume to their movements.  There are also some pretty good gore effects, my favourite of which is a guy who's still breathing despite having had his face dissolved.

The Flame Barrier kept its blob in the distant jungle, where the only people it was menacing were three explorers and a chimp.  We were told about the threat of its exponential growth, but that was fairly abstract.  In Caltiki we still don't get the city-smashing rampage depicted in one of the posters, but just knowing that the city is there and having Fielding's wife and daughter around to be chased by swarms of blobs makes the threat feel far more concrete.

So this movie gets right a lot of things the other Mexican Space Blob movie got wrong, but I wouldn't be reviewing it if it wasn't still a bad movie.  The dull characters and the refusal to deal with their arcs is one big problem.  Another is the poor picture quality.  The lighting is mostly good enough that you can tell where people are and what they're doing, but the film stock itself is not very good, which makes for a loss of detail.  In some of the wide shots you can't tell who's supposed to be talking because it's impossible to see whose mouths are moving.  In another, Fielding consults a book that appears to consist entirely of blank pages.

The dubbing is also not great.  Fielding and his wife have very bland voices, which is a big contributor to them seeming like very bland characters.  The guy voicing Max gnaws on the scenery, sounding like a villain from an old Disney movie.  Fielding's daughter Jenny has the voice of an adult woman trying to talk like a child, and it sounds even worse than the same thing did in Manos: the Hands of Fate.

The script is pretty ham-fisted at times, particularly in the character scenes that tell us things far more often than they show us.  Much of this is the fault of whoever wrote the English dialogue, but there's also the series of ridiculous plot devices that prevent anyone from warning Ellen Fielding that the blob in her basement has begun to grow.  First, Max escapes from the hospital and goes to the house to get help from Linda, and pulls out the phone cord so nobody can turn him in.  One of the scientists, finding no answer on the phone, tries to drive out to the house to talk to Ellen, but gets into a car crash.  The police block the road off while they investigate the wreck, and Fielding runs the road block in his own haste to get home, leading him to be arrested and thrown into jail!  I have to admit, it was pretty funny just watching these contrived events pile up.

As far as having a point to make goes, Caltiki, the Immortal Monster kind of shaves by one in two different places, but never quite gets there.  For starters, there's the idea of archaeology as a treasure hunt.  When the diver first ventures into Caltiki's sacred underground lake, he finds the bottom littered with bones but also with the gold jewelry the sacrificial victims were wearing.  He returns to the surface and does not even mention the skeletons, but brings fistfuls of gold and goes back for more despite the risk of running out of oxygen.  I suppose he is punished for this, as is Max when he tries to retrieve a piece somebody else dropped, since they're both attacked by the blob.  It doesn't really qualify as a thematic thread, though, since the gold is never mentioned again. For the rest of the movie, the characters are motivated by scientific interest in the blob itself.

This leads into what's sort of a second motif, people disregarding the danger posed by the blob.  Fielding has a sample he wants to study (the movie has no idea what kind of scientist he is.  An archaeologist?  A microbiologist?), and upon discovering that radiation makes it grow, he pumps more into it to see what happens.  He and his colleagues are admittedly more cautious about this than the characters  in Reptilicus, but the idea's still there: scientists who think they have everything under control, but don't understand how dangerous what they're working with really is.  Again, this doesn't really go anywhere.  At the end they about-face and insist on destroying every scrap, not even leaving enough for an “... or is it?” ending.

Caltiki, the Immortal Monster comes very close to being so bad it's good.  There's plenty of stuff to laugh at, while the actual monster is threatening and well-executed enough to be entertaining in the way it was intended to be.  If the film-makers had diverted a little of that money into better film stock, I probably would have enjoyed the movie very much.

[thiswasinevitableid]

#7 with Sternclay, for the prompts?

Here you go!  I went NSFW

#7: I’m assigned to write a piece rounding up all the bad press that you, a famous celebrity, have been getting and you show up in my office and demand me to write a retraction and get the ‘real’ story”

Barclay is so excited; he’s going to be spending two weeks on the Dual Mesa set, writing an exclusive behind the scenes story that’s sure to give the magazine a big sales boost. 

“Ah, Barclay, come in.” Ned Chicane, the show’s director, ushers him into his office, “I assume they told you we will be leaving to shoot on location tomorrow?”

“Yes, I, uh, I’m really honored that you chose Q to run your story; your cast is so diverse, it really resonates with our readers.”

Ned waves a hand in faux-humility, “Why create a show with paranormal elements that simply recreates homogeneity? However, my dear boy, you were not chosen by me.”

“I requested it.” Barclay turns as a tall man with dark hair enters the office, and has the sudden urge to hide under the nearest table. The man currently staring him down with bright blue eyes and a mild-yet-clearly displeased expression is Joseph Stern, star of Dual Mesa and subject of a very unflattering article Barclay published a week ago.

“Look, Mr. Stern, I-”

“Quiet.” Stern holds up his hand, “I asked Ned to give Q a boost by granting access to the shoot because I think the magazine does excellent work. I asked for you to give you a chance to prove yourself.”

“Excuse me?” 

“Your writing is quite good, but clearly your research and fact checking needs some work.”

“Just because you don’t like it-”

“I don’t, but that’s not the issue. You published things that are patently false and easily provable as such. For instance, the claim that I got this role by sleeping with the director has two major flaws; one, Ned is not my type.”

“There’s no accounting for poor taste.” Ned says, clearly unbothered, 

“And two, Mr. Mosche would break my fingers if I tried to fuck his husband.” He points to the corner of the room where a large, tattooed man sits reading.

“Right you are.” He looks up long enough to reply. 

“And anyone on set could have told you that. Whatever your sources were, you didn’t do due diligence. So you’ll be trying again.”

“Look, buddy, where do you get off giving me orders?”

“By being the star they’d have the hardest time killing off.”

“And by raising good points.” Ned stands, “asking for a flat retraction would reflect poorly on the show, as it would look as if we were trying to hide the truth. This allows you to correct misconceptions as well as get exclusive looks at next season.”

“You’re literally a paid actor, how the hell do I know you aren’t faking these two weeks?” 

“You won’t be spending all your time with him; you’ll be interviewing others as well and have opportunities to observe him without him knowing.” Ned pats Barclays shoulder, “but he will be responsible for introducing you to the rest of the cast” 

Barclay glances at Stern, who lifts an eyebrow with a smirk.

“So. Have fun with that!” 

-----------------------------------------

The introduction the next day goes as well as trying to light a match in a hurricane. Stern is polite and professional when Barclay arrives, introduces him to the cast and the main crew without mentioning the article. But it’s clear Barclay’s reputation precedes him.

“You really got Joe figured all wrong.” Duck Newton, who plays good-hearted Sheriff Frank Roosevelt on the show, pulls Barclay aside as Stern and co-star Aubrey Little (who plays Lucille, a plucky young woman with a dark past) get ready to shoot. 

“So everyone keeps saying, but I didn’t make that stuff up. It turned up when I researching him.”

“Don’t mean someone else didn’t just pull it out of their ass.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know.” Barclay sighs, rubbing his forehead. 

“Look, all I know is Joe’s been nothin but kind a professional to me. I’d even call him a friend. Know he can come off as intimidatin and rigid sometimes, but he’s a good guy.”

Barclay hears variations of this sentiment over and over during the next two days. It’s part of why he’s currently sitting inside his motel room not far from the main set, eating dinner alone. Indrid, the costume designer had actually invited him to eat with a few members of the crew.  Barclay demurred. If the bulk of the people on set think he’s a jerk, he doubts they’ll be that open to getting to know him. Plus, he’s kind of humiliated at how little actual evidence he can find for the claims against Stern, and doesn’t want to give the other man a chance to gloat. 

There’s a knock on the door, and he opens it to find the last person he expects, or wants, to see. 

“Good evening, Barclay.” Out of costume, Stern almost looks ordinary. There’s still the unfair symmetry of his face, the way he makes jeans and t-shirt look somehow sophisticated. 

“Uh, something you need from me?”

Stern looks past him to his cobbled together dinner; Barclay’s a good cook, but the damn room doesn’t have anything more than a microwave. 

“The chance to buy you an actual dinner.”

Barclay’s about to point out that he’s not eating in the commissary tent because of Stern when the actor adds, “please?”

He grabs his wallet and joins Stern in the still-warm evening air, following him into the few blocks that make up downtown Sagebrush, the former mining town that makes up much of Dual Mesa’s background. He expects them to stop at the Mizpah, the sole fancy hotel and restaurant, but Stern guides him past it and into a kitschy diner. 

They study their menus in silence, the pleather booths squeaking awkwardly whenever one of them moves. 

Barclay orders the burger plate that comes with a slice of pie and Stern, surprisingly goes for an omelette off the all-day breakfast menu.

“Barclay I, well, it’s obvious we got off on the wrong foot. I want you to know that as much as the article upset me, I don’t want you to be miserable while you’re here. No ones going to shun you for what you wrote.”

“Pretty clear they’re all on your side.” Barclay sips his water, meeting Stern’s gaze.

“There don’t need to be sides; you want to write an accurate profile of what it’s like on set, and I want to not have my name dragged through the mud anymore. Those come out to be the same thing.”

“You seem real fucking confident.” Barclay narrows his eyes. 

Stern’s hackles go up, but then he sets his hands on the table with a measured breath, “I don’t pretend to be perfect, Barclay. I’m aware, well aware, of my flaws. But none of those flaws match what you wrote about me. I’m not asking to look untouchable in your piece, I’m asking to look like myself.”

Barclay looks down, spots him nervously shredding his napkin. As he’s thinking, a teenager in a tricolor tank-top approaches the table. 

“Um, sorry, but are you Joseph Stern? The guy who plays agent Hooper?”

Stern smiles, genuine and reassuring, “I am.”

“Could I, uh, get a picture? Like a selfie?” 

“Of course.”

Barclay watches Stern pose with the kid and compliment his pride shirt, before waving goodbye as he scurries back to his table to show his friends the photo.

“That doesn’t bother you?”

Stern shakes his head, “It happens pretty often, especially in town where most people know what I look like in my street clothes, so I’m used to it. Besides, for a lot of these kids there’s more than just the celebrity angle. I can count the number of gay, trans, Asian-american actors on T.V when I was kid with one hand,” He holds up a fist to indicate a zero, “if the price of being that person for kids now is posing for some pictures, I’ll pay it any day.”

Warmth blooms in his chest, the sincerity making him want to trade a truth in return, “Yeah, I remember looking for guys like me and not seeing them. I’d just pick a character I liked and kinda projected. Except the X-Files; then I just had a huge fucking crush on Mulder. Oh, thanks.” He smiles at the waitress as she sets his food down.

“I know that feeling. Somewhere there are pictures of me dressed as him for a Halloween party.”

“Heh, I haven’t dressed up for Halloween in ages.” Barclay munches on a fry, “Last three times I went as Bigfoot. It was an easy costume and kept my face hidden.”

“That’s a shame for the other party-goers.”

Barclay coughs, choking on his fry, as Stern blushes, shoves a piece of toast into his mouth, and changes the topic to books. 

The next day, when Barclay arrives on location and everyone is milling about getting ready to shoot, Stern pats the chair near his own and talks with him until he’s needed on camera. Over the next week, Barclay finds himself next to Stern more often than not, comparing notes on the mystery novels they’ve been passing back and forth, or explaining his job moonlighting as a cookbook editor, or listening to the actor describe his travels to the locations of famous cryptid sightings. What surprises him most is how charming he finds Stern when he’s nowhere near a camera. On set, in character as Special Agent Alex Hooper, he radiates the quiet charm that makes his character so beloved. When they’re alone it’s different, a little less polished and little nerdier, and rather than captivating him it makes Barclay want to protect him.

It turns out that slips of the tongue happen to Stern a lot, at least when he’s around Barclay. “Sec” routinely becomes “sex” and comments about Barclay’s size and strength come often, Stern always sheepish afterwards. As if his attention is something Barclay may not want rather than something he craves like a four-course meal. 

When he starts daydreaming about asking Stern back to his motel room after one of their now-regular dinners together (that Stern always pays for), he knows he’s in trouble. 

“Helllloo?” 

He jumps, chuckles in surprise as Aubrey finishes waving her hand in front of his face, “Sorry, was thinking about dinner.’

“I was saying thanks for coming out while we shoot this. I know how hard it can be to pull away from your ‘muse’.” She wiggles her eyebrows and Barclay feels the blush overrun him. 

“Don’t worry, I’ll let him figure it out on his own.” Aubrey winks, the groans, “aw fuck here he comes.”

Robert Hayes, who plays the recurring role of Hooper’s supervisor, appears in the grove where they’re shooting a scene with just him and Aubrey. Barclay steps out of frame, Aubrey hissing “don’t leave me” as he does.

“I can’t believe Ned is letting Indrid do more alternative looks for you.”

“It works for Lucille.”

“It would work better if she was more conventionally attractive.”

Barclay growls under his breath; how dare this guy talk to his friend that way?

“Well, obviously not, because the audience likes me like this. And they have opinions worth listening too.”

The tension remains throughout the shoot, Barclay tensing every time Hayes opens his mouth. He pretends to be busy when the actor comes over to join him. 

“I’m glad you’re planning on expanding your take-down of Stern.”

“I never said that. I’m writing about the new season of the show.”

“If you want more information about what he’s really like, I’ll be happy to chat with you in private.” The older man pats his shoulder and heads off to his trailer. 

Barclay waits until he’s gone, then goes to look for Ned. He has a hunch the director might like to know about Haye’s offer. 

-------------------------------------------

“...guess Ned put him in his place.” Stern finishes adjusting his tie as the scene sets up, “Sounds like he wanted his character to become the eventual lead, and thought shit-talking me would be the way to go.”

“I’m glad it’s sorted out.” Barclay pretends to be studying his notes so he doesn’t stare too noticeably at Stern’s ass.

“Me too. Thanks, Barclay.” Stern steps onto set, and as Ned begins running through the scene with Stern and the actor playing his (unbeknownst to him) alien lover, Bee, Barclay wishes he’d chosen to be elsewhere. Because this is a sex scene. With Stern. That he will be watching. 

No, damn it, he’s a professional. His butt is staying in this chair.

He makes it through the several takes of the dialogue just fine, starts sweating a little when he kissing begins. Stern’s kisses strike a balance between tender and passionate, perfectly in character, and Barclay would give his right arm to trade places with Bee. 

The action moves to the bed, Stern caressing his lover as they unbutton his shirt.

Okay, now he’d give his right arm and leg to be the one beneath him. 

He reminds himself this airs on TNT, not HBO, so it can’t get much more explicit.

Sterns whole body drips with soft dominance as he pins Bee to the bed, cooing that he’s never seen a finer sight.

Fine, his right arm, leg, and any non-vital organs, he’ll trade them all in a second to hear Stern say that to him, even if it’s only pretend. 

He doesn’t make it through the second take of the bed scene, hurries away as quietly as unobtrusively as he can. There’s no way he can make it to his motel like this, cock pressing so hard against his jeans he’s afraid he’ll end up with a zipper mark. And the bathrooms aren’t exactly private. He does have the key to Stern’s trailer, the actor having given it to him in case he needed somewhere air conditioned to rest from the heat. The trailer that is very nearby.

Does he dare?

The question hardly registers before he’s at the door, unlocking it and ducking inside before anyone sees. He leans against the counter with a groan, unzipping his pants and praying the pre-cum that immediately streaks his hand hasn’t made a noticeable spot in the denim. 

He fumbles around to find some tissues, not wanting to face the humiliation of Stern walking in to find him cleaning cum off of his cabinets (he does actually want that humiliation, and badly, but not without Stern’s consent).

The strokes are hard and fast, his eyes shut so tight he sees static as he imagines Stern behind him, saying how much he wants him, how needy he is, how he’ll take care of him. He grits his teeth, breath leaving him in faint hisses and stifled moans until the temptation to say Stern’s name overwhelms him. 

“Joe, Joe, fuck, Joe.”

“Yes, big guy?” A voice purrs in his ear as hands bracket him against the counter. 

“Fuck” He tries to freeze, finds he’s shaking too much from want and worry to do so. 

“You forgot to lock the door, silly boy. I, however, did not.”

“I’m, I’m sorry, I just needed to, fuck, I didn’t mean for you-”

One hand leaves the counter, strokes the base of his neck and toys with his hair, “what about this suggests I’m angry with this, um, development?”

Barclay whimpers, feet unwilling to turn and look Stern in the eye.

“Should I stop?” The tease goes from his voice.

All he can do is whimper again and shake his head.

The hand leaves his neck, slides down Barclay’s arm to rest atop his hand on the counter. The other takes it’s time snaking down his stomach and hips.

“Poor Barclay, no wonder you had to leave.” His hand nudges Barclay’s aside, takes it’s place around his cock, “you can probably see this thing from space. I’m taking this as a testament to my acting skills.” A laugh as he kisses Barclay’s neck, stroking him slowly. 

“Please don’t say this is acting too.” 

“It’s not.” A kiss to his cheek, a twist along his cock, both making him weak-kneed, “do you know what I was thinking about during that scene? I was thinking about you, what you’d look like if I fucked you. It’s only a quirk of anatomy” he grinds against Barclay’s ass,  “that means I didn’t have a noticeable reaction on camera.”

“Fuck, Joe, more, please I need more of you, all of you, I’m so fucking close.”

The hand on his cock pulls away, “not just yet, big guy. Do you want me to fuck you?”

“Uhuh.” He whines, pushing his hips forward to bump his cock along Stern’s hand. 

A light smack on the ass, “behave. Take everything off and wait for me on the bed.”

“Uh huh.” He turns, only for a hand to firmly grasp his chin and force him to stay eye to eye with Stern.

“Try that response again, big guy, with better manners.”

“Y-yes, s-sir, I, I understand.” 

He’s yanked into a demanding, possessive kiss, Stern stroking his cheek approvingly when he releases him, “Good boy. Is this alright?”

“Yes, yesyes, Joe, please, I love it, don’t stop.”

“I won’t, unless you say so. Promise you will if you need to?”

“I swear, cross my heart, babe, please.”

A loving laugh, coupled with a peck on the lips, “bed.”

Barclay strips so quickly he loses his balance, landing on the bed as he fights to pull off his pants. He tries to calm himself by folding his clothes and setting them aside, certain that if he gets more excited he’ll become the first confirmed case of human combustion.

“Hands and knees, please.” 

“Oh fuck me.” 

Stern is standing by the bed, naked from the waist down save for a strap-on, but still in his special agent clothes from the waist up. 

“Do you like the suit, big guy?”

“Yessir.”

“Good to know. Maybe next time I’ll wear the whole thing while I fuck you. Now” he climbs onto the bed, “try to relax for me.”

A condom-covered finger presses against his ass as soon as he’s on his hands and knees, Stern working him open efficiently yet gently until he’s begging for more. Stern ruffles his hair, and then the toy is pushing into him. It’s narrow, so the stretch isn’t too bad, and for a moment he wonders if it will even do much for him. 

“Let me see, if I just-”

“FUCKfuck”  The curve of the toy finds his prostate.

“That’s part of why this is a favorite of mine, it’s so effective” he thrusts harder, “at finding the right spots.”

“Mhhhmmmmm” Barclay bites the pillow to muffle his moans and growls, wiggles his hips as Stern finds his pace. 

“The other reason I like it…”

“SHIT, babe, baby, ohfuck that’s good.” The toy vibrates, sending heat all through him, “fuck, I’m gonna come in like th-thirty seconds from that.”

“Thirty seconds? Let’s see if you’re right, big guy.”

“GaaAAHfuck, Joe, yeah, yeahyesbabeyes.” He gives up on being quiet as the actor rams into him, drops to his elbows when the intensity makes it impossible to anything other than moan and and grunt and take it. 

“That’s it, good boy, let’s see just how hard you are for me” Stern pants as he reaches around, teasing the head of Barclay’s cock, “perfect, you’re doing wonderfully, fuck” a groan of gratification as Barclay spurts across the bed, “messy, god I love making you come apart, even I might make you clean that with you tongue later.”

“Oh god.” Barclay moans, drool staining the pillow, as Stern loops an arm tightly around his waist and grinds, the toy still bumping and rumbling inside his ass.

“Nnn, Barclay, yes, hold out just a little longer, let me get off on this perfect ass.”

Barclay whines, sensitivity overloading his circuits and driving him wild.

“Just a little more big guy, fuck, fuck, lord almighty I’m close, c’mon, you can handle it, you can be good and take me as long as I need.”

“Yes, yes, wanna take you, wanna be yours, wanna serve you.”

“Fuck” Stern doubles over, hips working frantically, “that’s it, good boy, if you’re in this bed you, fuck, your only job is to please me.”

“Yes” Barclay sobs just as Stern moans into his shoulder. When he pulls out, Barclay flops, limp, onto his side. 

“You with me, baby?” Stern wiggles out of the harness, lays so they’re face to face and cups Barclay’s cheek.

“Mmhmm. Fuck” he pulls Stern into a hug, “I can’t believe we just did that. That was fucking amazing.”

“Didn’t take you for the sub type.”

“Everyone always wants me to be big ‘n dommy. Don’t wanna. Wanna be someone’s good boy.” He’s slurring, mind still a bit foggy. 

“You can be mine. In, um in not just a sex way, although it can be just a sex thing if you want it to.”

“Nope” He cuddles him closer, then it hits him, “you’re asking me to be your boyfriend?”

“Please?”

“Yes. Yes. Yes” He kisses him after each answer, making them both laugh. 

“It won’t fuck up your work?”

“I’ll ask Mama what she thinks, we might need to transfer the rest of the article to Thacker. Uh, maybe this is silly but, uh, can I take you to dinner? My treat?”

Stern kisses him, stars in his eyes and a hundred watt smile on his face, “that sounds perfect, big guy.”

[dwarrowdams]

Hawkes as Vines

I had fun making that OCs as Vines post a while back, so I decided to do one featuring Eden, Ezra, and Amaryllis (with occasional appearances by Eli [Ama’s son] and other folks).

Enjoy!

~~

Amaryllis: *meditating in a horse mask* Eli, running in front of her: My poop is coming!

Ezra: People are constantly asking me what it’s like to be as sexy...*falls down and smacks head*

Ezra, flexing in the mirror: Young Pharaoh, look at this god body! Ra-ka-ka! Amaryllis, opening the bathroom door: Oh my God.

**At the end of Act III:**

Ezra: Screw you! Anders: I hate you! Amaryllis: *beatboxing as they yell at each other*

Eden: *playing "Get Low” on the piano* Everyone else: Ah skeet skeet motherfucker, ah skeet skeet goddamn

Eden: What did you do?! Amaryllis: I shaved my eyebrows. Eden: Why?? Amaryllis: I...don’t know.

Eden: *playing Pachelbel’s canon on the piano* Ezra, singing: Go suck a dick, suck a dick, suck a motherfuckin’ dick Eden, singing: Suck a huge or small dick...

Amaryllis: After school...homework or a video game?  Every time, the answer is porn.

Eli, poking Eden: You got ex-ma? Eden, laughing: What?? Eli: You got ex-ma??  Ex-ma?

Amaryllis: Oooohh, my boy’s going to school!  Fuck it up, Eli, fuck it up! Eli: *posing dramatically*

Ezra, laying on the floor with bottles all over him: Drinks on me tonight! Amaryllis: *storms off* Eden: What’s wrong? Amaryllis, knocking Solo cups off of her shoulders: Drinks were supposed to be on ME tonight!

Eden, narrating: How Ezra gets ready. Ezra: *carefully styles hair, trims facial hair, applies foundation, fills in brows, adds a touch of eyeliner and probably chapstick* Ready! Eden, narrating: How Ama gets ready. Amaryllis: *wakes up, throws on a hat* Ready!

Ezra: Hey, have you seen my razor? Amaryllis: Yeah, it’s right here. *holds up Motorola Razr*

Someone: Your bra strap is showing! Amaryllis: *gasps* Really?! Cut to Amaryllis giving the middle finger and dancing to “I Don’t Fuck With You” while wearing several bras

Eden: *singing “Smooth Criminal” dramatically* Amaryllis: *dancing in the background while banging a pot with a wrench*

Amaryllis: The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.  And weasels.  Those little bastards will get you.

**When Eden’s not home:**

Ezra: *plays trombone* Amaryllis: *slams oven*

Eden: *stirring mac and cheese* Amaryllis: That’s what good pussy sounds like.

Eden, dancing around with a rubber chicken: Accept yourself!  Love yourself!

Amaryllis: Whole Foods?!  What am I, a millionaire?  You want a whole food?!  Eat ass, bitch!

Eden: Do you believe in Bigfoot?  I believe we’re all Bigfoot when it comes to our carbon footprint.

Fenris: Can you get one of those for me? Eden: *hands item to him; their hands touch* Eden and Ezra: *dancing and singing to Cascada’s “Everytime We Touch”*

Ezra: Ooohh, she’s drunk as fuck. Amaryllis, fully clothed in the bathtub: I’m washing me and my clothes, bitch!  I’m washing me and my clothes.

Ezra: Are you okay? Eden: What is...okay? Ezra: Uh...maybe a little rest? Eden: My resting heart rate registers as a panic attack.

*shot of condoms* Amaryllis: Welp, those don’t work! *shot of Eli* Amaryllis: Yaaayyyyy!

Amaryllis: *twerking on a desk as the Hannah Montana theme plays*

Eden, teaching a yoga class: Release all of the sounds that are trapped in your mind. Amaryllis: *unholy screeching* Eden: Ama, are you okay?? Amaryllis: I’m a little messed up.

Amaryllis: I don’t understand why when someone has a baby, their first question is “oh my god, what does it look like???”  The thing just came out!  It looks like a damn potato!

[seventeen-teen-teen-trash]

Ash requested a yukhei fluff

She gets a Yukhei crack instead

—

It was 3:30am when Yukhei crashed into my room as silently as he could. Which, with his long ass limbs, was impressive.

“Dude(!) Cmon, we gotta be quick(!)”

You might be wondering why I wrote (!). Well, Yukhei managed to yell as quietly as he possibly could, but the sound still sounded like thunder in the middle of the night. He dragged me out of bed as quickly as he could, throwing my jacket and shoes at me, and started to climb out of the window before I told him, still half asleep, that if he thought I was sneaking out through the window he was certifiably insane and I would kill him in his sleep.

After i told him that, he promptly brought his leg back into my room and closed the window, patting gently while smiling at me like “Look I did a good!”. It was very adorable, and if i wasn't ready to kill him, I might have awed.

Instead, I dragged my half asleep ass over to him and slapped his chest once, as if that was enough payback for waking me up. He laughed and winced, rubbing his chest slightly while leading me out of the room, taking me to the front door of our shared apartment. Which, I must add, was completely empty apart from us, so why he felt the need to sneak out, I will never know.

We left the apartment with Yukhei still trying to be sneaky, sticking to the walls as much as he could. To the guard watching the security cameras, we must’ve looked like some pair- A 6 foot tall man-child trying to hide from the cameras and me, still in my pjs with a hoodie pulled over, glaring at the man-child with hate. Truly a loving couple.

Finally, we reached the elevator, and while we waited for it, Yukhei started shoving me with his hip. By this point, I was fully awake and still filled with hate but as his hip hit my elbow, I couldn’t help but laugh at him. When I looked at him from the corner of my eye, his smile was wide and infectious, and I couldn't help but laugh at him.

The elevator ride down was uneventful, and it was just as we were getting off that I finally remembered to ask him why the hell he woke me up at 3am.

“OH! I ran out of noodles and I didn’t wanna go without you incase you wanted something and were annoyed at me for going without you and I really wanted noodles :).”

Once again, you may be wondering why I wrote down the :). Somehow, Yukhei managed to be that kind of person who could make a :) sound in real life, but if you tried to explain it, you would get nowhere. Before the :), I was ready to kick Yukhei for dragging me out of bed just for noodles but the :)... the :) got to me.

So, I followed the tall idiot to the car, where he sat patiently in the passenger side waiting for me to start the car. While he was holding the keys. While he was holding the car keys, he pulled a different set of keys out of his pocket that were made for a toddler, and then tried to hand me the toddler keys before realising the fuck up, and handed me the real keys.

I watched and judged as he slowly pocketed the toddler keys, tucking them deep into his pocket. I kept staring at him until he turned to look at me like nothing ever happened. Slowly, i turned back to the front and put the car into drive, accidentally ramming the car in front gently. Yukhei turned to stare at me with shock, pulling out the toddler keys again.

“Maybe I should drive from now on?” He whispered before bursting into laughter, clapping his giant alien hands together. I laughed along with him, slowly reversing out of the spot we were parked, making sure to not hit any more cars on the way out.

When we finally arrived at the convenience store, Yukhei ran out as soon as the car stopped, eager to get the noodles. I followed slowly, making sure to check the front of the car for any damage. I had a feeling the other car was less okay judging by the paint marks all over the front. I made a mental note to leave an apology note on the other car, but the note was quickly forgotten as soon as I walked into the store and saw Yukhei running down the cereal aisle.

“Look!! They have coco puffs!! Man I’m coco for coco puffs!!” He whispered gently to himself before running away with Reeses Puffs instead. I reluctantly followed him as he ran, apologising to the cashier as I passed. It took Yukhei about 3 minutes to find the noodle aisle, and oh boy was he in heaven. The amazement on his face was hilarious, I have never seen a boy look so happy to see noodles.

After searching through all the noodles, he managed to find the brand he wanted and ran over proudly, staring at the noodles lovingly. In our 3 years of dating (at that point in time) I had never seen him smile at me like that. As you can imagine, I was a bit ticked off.

However, once Yukhei took me to the candy aisle and said he was paying… oh boy, he grew to regret that. I ran down, grabbing one of every kind I liked, making sure to grab a few more chocolate bars and packs of gum. After all, he uses most of my gum, why shouldn't he pay for it?

Once I finished my raid on the aisle, I looked back up at Yukhei to see him staring with a look of disbelief and regret, looking between his few things and my many MANY things. He looked back up at me with a sigh and slowly nodded his head, accepting his fate. He waddled his way to the register, going to pull out his wallet but pulling out the toddler keys again, and then pulling out a pair of spongebob learning chopsticks.

The cashier was staring at us with dead eyes, obviously wanting to go home but when Yukehi, a giant ass man, pulled out a collection of toddler sized things, her eyes lit up again. Eventually, Yukhei found his spiderman wallet and pulled it out, the cashier lost it. Her laugh was uncontrollable and wild, and both of us couldn't help but join.

Slowly, we all recovered and the cashier wiped away tears, clutching her stomach in both pain and to try and recover. I don’t know if you’ve ever experienced something like that but I can safely say it was one of the best parts of that night. Eventually, we had everything cashed up, and the cashier kept smiling as Yukhei hip bumped me time and time again, trying to push me off balance.

Eventually, I gave up trying to be discrete in hitting him and full on punched his arm, turning back to face the cashier with a smile. She let out a chuckle as Yukhei started collapsing, clutching his arm and claiming that he sees the light. Eventually, the cashier finished ringing up the stuff and Yukhei pulled out the spiderman wallet again, opening it up and almost handing her monopoly money before going to the right section in his wallet, handing her a few notes. Thankfully the cashier didn't notice the monopoly money, the spiderman wallet itself was distracting her.

After we left, and started driving home, Yukhei pulled out his phone and looked something up on Twitter, waiting until we had parked again to show me.

“Oh my god look!!” He zoomed in on the photo, covering the bottom half to show a large hand resting on a thigh, and did the same to my thigh, smiling gently.

Then he grabbed something from the bag and put on his thigh, revealing the bottom half of the photo showing a chicken fuckin foot on a thigh, and I lost it. To anyone outside the car it would’ve looked like I was choking on air, I couldn’t breath anymore, it was a hot mess.

Yukhei had grabbed a damn chicken foot from the bag and placed it on his leg, posing gently to show off the full look he had going on. It took me about 6 minutes to stop laughing at him, and even then he had to put the chicken foot away for me to even be able to look at him.

After I recovered from the chicken foot, we got out the car and walked back to the car we crashed into earlier. By this point, an hour had passed and the car park had lightened up slightly, and we could see the damage done to the other car. It lost some paint and was ever so slightly banged up. Yukhei had a genius idea, and grabbed the note we wrote earlier and tucked it into the bumper, adding the chicken foot next to it (wrapped up of course, we aren’t monsters) in apology.

We laughed our way back up in the elevator, Yukhei pretending the chicken feet were his hands, pressing the buttons with the claws and scratching his chin with them. Of course, he went back into sneak mode when we got out the elevator, even going so far as to roll across the floor, trying to hold the bags while he did so but failing oh so much. Eventually I stormed over to grab the bags, and let him roll along as much as he wanted.

Soon enough, we reached our apartment and when we arrived, Yukhei walked in and flopped onto the couch, too tired to make the noodles by this point. I managed to drag him off the couch and back to the bed, shoving him on it and taking off his shoes for him. I collapsed on the bed next to him, too tired to take off my own shoes. Luckily, mr Bigfoot had a solution, and just randomly reached around with his feet until he could kick off my shoes for me, doing it all lying down next to me. It made me laugh the entire time, his faces while doing so were so silly and dumb. Eventually he got them both off, and he just lay laughing next to me for a while. Slowly but surely, we calmed down and just stayed in silence, smiling at each other.

“I really love you Yknow? Not many people would willingly follow their boyfriend randomly at 3am, and they wouldn’t be as happy about it as you were.” He looked almost sheepish, looking away from my face and looking slightly disappointed in himself. I grabbed his hand and held it right, making him look at me.

“Not many boyfriends would wake their girlfriend at 3am because they wanted noodles. Not many boyfriends would have a pair of spongebob training chopstick or a kids pair of keys. Not many people would have either of those to be honest. I was happy about it because it was you, because you made it something to be happy about.”

He smiled at me, moving forward to place a kiss on my forehead.

“Thank you for this life.” He smiled at me again, then slowly dragged me up the bed so my head was on the pillow. He then proceeded to wiggle up the bed so his head was on the other pillow, and he managed to drag the covers up over us both, tucking me in gently. While I was woken up at 3am, I had one of the best nights of my life that day.

EL FIN