#bible jokes

[aromanticduck]

Phillip: Lord, we have a problem.

Andrew: There are 5000 hungry people here and the only food we have is this boy's bar of chocolate.

Jesus: Not a problem. *pulls out a knife* 11/12 disciples don't know about this cool hack.

[eclipse081403]

I can just imagine aliens interested in researching Humans being super confused on how human came to be

[keepcalmandcarriefischer]

Help! Someone had faith the size of a mustard seed and now the mountain I was hiking is going to throw itself into the sea!

[greenteacryptid]

[clever-dana]

Simon the Zealot vs. Mathew the Former Tax Collector

[multifan113]

Dad Jokes

Jesus: I'm the son of God

Pharisees: No way!

Jesus: Yahweh

[fawna12]

Making a mountain out of a molehill seems like it would be a biblical miracle but nooooo when I do it it's making a big deal out of nothing and I get less people following me around instead of more

[passive-duck]

Why did they listen to death metal in the Old Testament, but not the New Testament?

...

Because after the resurrection, death really lost its sting.

[queeringthethumbring]

sometimes i imagine the virgin mary sitting down to tea with gabriel and instead of like a calm anunciation, it's just him trying to explain to her what pregnancy means and who her child is destined to be while intermittently yelling at God on the phone like "you could've told her all this beFORE you got her pregnant, dumbass! yes, she has a fiancee and NO SHE WASNT LYING ABOUT THAT PART AND YES SHE LOVES HIM, OF COURSE IT MATTERS" *pause, as Gabriel narrows his eyes at her* "like, you really love that joseph guy, right?" and when she bewilderedly nods yes, he continues yelling at God on the phone like "GREAT NOW I HAVE TO GIVE HER THE "so you cheated on your husband with God by accident no its not your fault and yes you will have to tell him but its up to you how you tell him that and when except its gonna start being really obvious in 2-3 months" TALK, LIKE DO YOU EVER CONSIDER CONSULTING ANY OF US BEFORE YOU DO THESE THINGS?!" until God hangs up like "just get it done, Gabriel!!!" and Gabriel's like "goodness gracious the retirement fund better be twice the amount of the last guy with adjustments for inflation -"

and mary's just like, what's inflation? and gabriel gives his phone a death glare and has to physically tear his hair out to avoid giving God another call just to be mad at him for IMPREGNATING A GIRL WHO DOESNT EVEN KNOW WHAT INFLATION IS -

he sighs, trying to calm down, and finally just gives the short version.

[quatraine-in-c-major]

I fucking love the phrase “none of these words are in the bible” because it just makes me think of a universe where christians can only speak in bible quotes

[kittentach]

IM A CHRISTIAN AND THESE ARE AWESOME

i’m p sure i’ve posted this before, but it’s still funny

[clever-dana]

[madlysage]

jesus breaks the omegaverse

[bloom-with-grace-and-faith]

[divineandmajesticinone]

4 MINUTES (2024) I 1.02 "It's pretty deep. All the doctors in the ER are busy. I'll stitch it up for you."

[breadshot]

Ok I have a narrative change to a pretty famous piece of fiction. It's called the Bible, dunno if you've heard of it. Yknow when Jesus dies and he goes to hell for 3 days and apparently fucks shit up down there?

WHY WASNT THERE AN ENTIRE BOOK ABOUT THAT?!

Like I mean book as in book of the Bible. That would've been so fucking cool. Maybe I'd even still be Christian if it existed! Like you want me to praise a God that gave himself human form just to have sex with 12 other men and then get whipped and punished, only to nowadays punish anyone who even has gay thoughts? Uh no thank you. Wait, what's that? You say he had a fucking 3 day long shonen battle with the entirety of hell itself? Fuck yeah I'll pray to that badass!