#bfaceb

[be-awake]

So I've decided that I want to die.....

By my own hand...

And soon.

Thanks for pretending to care .

[be-awake]

They sure do 😁😄🙃

Forehead kisses say: I love you. I want you. I need you. I crave you. I adore you. I admire you. I missed you. I’ll protect you. And you’re safe. Always.

[be-awake]

... not sure what to say but this melted my heart. Made me think of someone that I love more than he knows. But that's okay.

[be-awake]

All I ever wanted was to be enough for him. Enough to fill his heart full of love, joy, happiness, bliss. Just enough to make more memories with that would last a life time. Growing together. Becoming old together....

I

Just

Want. To

Be

Enough....

I love you. Always. No matter what. Remember that please

[be-awake]

I honestly wish I never felt this way. I some times wish I never fell back in love with him. Because this hurts so much. It hurts to not have him want to touch me or kiss me better yet to even fucking hold me. It honestly is killing me slowly. In some ways I wish it would kill me fast than what it is. Just to get it over with. I can't handle the pain and the torchure. I can't breath. I can barley think due to the fact that I'm so twitterpattered by this man. Just one look and it's all over. I fall for him all.over again and it starts to slowly kill me again. I'm so in love with him and I feel like I shouldn't be. I feel like it isn't ever felt the same for.him. like I get stuck starring at him just wondering how life would be if he was that person who loved me fully like he used to. Like the one man who would constantly tell me he loves me and constantly kiss me, hold me, cuddle with me fuck even hold my hand in front of others. Now it's down to nothing no I love yous, no kisses, no cuddles no nothing. Not even a hey love you look beautiful today. It is fucking so breaking that I don't even think I'm beauitful cuz I get no reaction from him on anything at all. I wish I knew what to do. I wish I had to.guts to say anything cuz at the same time I feel like this is all made up like a dream. But it's not a dream cuz I keep waking up and nothing has changed. He can go days without seeing me. Days without talking to me. Day without saying he loves me and I can't even go an hour without talking to him I can't go an hour without telling him I love him and I can barley go days without seeing him cuz I go crazy if I don't. This fucking shit sucks and I'm so unaware of what to do, what to say, or even where to go at this point. All I know is I hate laying next to him waking up feeling like I'm just some.other girl to him laying half naked in his bed. No we didn't fuck I just got super hot. But he'll I wish we did. It's been two months again for no sex. About 3 almost 4 months for no kisses and even longer for no hugs. Soo tell me he loves me

Cuz deep down I know he doesn't.... So why can't I just leave and be done with this pain that is caused every day for me. Cuz it means sooo little to him... Fuck like always maybe I'm wrong. But what if I'm right?

[be-awake]

Pretty much sucks when you realize shit that breaks your heart. Also knowing that it was all just a show in a sense. Fuck this . Fuck this world. I honestly hope it all burns down. Cuz I can't handle people lies, not being loyal, not being honest, hiding behind something cuz their too scared to say something.

Fucking grow a pair. Say what you need to and move on. Don't give a fuck about other feeling cuz if you do you'll just distroyed your own feeling and emotions.

[be-awake]

I miss him so much. Just wish he missed me too.

[be-awake]

Cold by maroon 5.

I couldn't pick a more perfect way with how he makes me feel lately. .

*sad panda*

[be-awake]

I crave to hear him tell me how much he loves me again. How beautiful I am. How great we are together. I crave to feel his hands on my body cuddling me close to him. I miss feeling his breath against my skin. This morning when I woke up we were so close together after going to bed so far apart. I've been fighting back tears all morning. Well technically all day. I just wish he was as open as he used to be. I miss our conversations, us goofing off, just laughing and enjoying each other. I get bit and pieces of him back here and there. But other times I feel like he fights it or just isn't interested anymore. It's hard and it sucks. But as I've said before this could all be in my head. And I hope that it is all in my head... Because I love this man so much.

[be-awake]

This weekend was pretty tough however it was pretty delightful too. Besides the fact of being tickled, way too much, it was more like torture. Because all it did was turn me on. *sigh* even worse when he would bite my thighs, or my neck I wanted to kill him cuz he was making matters worse. Also it doesn't help any when lately, well for a while, I haven't been able to get myself off, only he has been able to get me off. It's like a game to him, I mean it's fun I'm not complaining I mean I am in a way cuz I get so nervous to start or do anything. I didn't used to be like that with him but for some reason it's changed. I'm not sure if that has to deal with sobriety or what but I'm not a fan. I must say though waking up to him holding me yesterday morning was so worth all the torture. I love this man so much. Even though we have both been dealing with a lot he is super supportive, even when I have a mental break down or a come apart because of my son's dad being a complete dick. He still is there for me no matter what. And I love him for that and so much more than he can ever imagine.

[be-awake]

This one hit so hard this morning.

I'm struggling so bad today already. I'm late for work. First day. And my anxiety is through the fucking roof. I can't seem to calm down or anything. My heart is hurting cuz the one I love doesn't know what they want, well really if they want me anymore. Honestly I don't blame them. I don't want me any more. Life has been so fucked lately that my ability to breath and want to live has dropped down to the smallest milameter. I hate feeling like this and can't seem to get it to go away. I honestly feel like I have no one. People who say they will be there if you need them never are like come in down say shit like that and then bail or not even answer. Shit sucks makes you feel so worthless. Okay I need to get out of this anxiety issues and just deal with today. Regardless I am who I am. I'm beautiful, smart, kind and so many other things .. I just wish so bad with everything I am.. I wish I was enough for him....

[be-awake]

Some that I love so dearly gave this to me for Christmas years ago. This helps me every day. So glad I have this and him in my life.

[be-awake]

You know who you are .. I love you forever and a day.

[be-awake]

I hate the face that I have Soo many people trying to control my life. Like where I go what I do who I go see. Like what I do in my free time without my kid.. it's getting exhausting. And I can't handle any of it. I'm so sick of not doing things good enough for them. And I'm so done with just having to live my life for them. I want to disappear more than I ever have lately. It's so hard to just stay in the present moment cuz of how they are with me. Which really sucks is that their family too. Oh and my baby daddy too. They all just make me feel like I'm not sure of what I'm doing. That I can't be trusted alone they have to tell me step by step what to do. I don't fucking get it. JUST LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE AND LET ME LIVE MT LIFE. IM 31 FUCKING YEARS OLD I CANT DO IT BY MYSELF IM A BIG FUCKING GIRL. Sorry... I just. ... Any time I think about death it's because of them. They don't get 2 fucks less either which is sooo amazing. I need to just pack a bag and fucking leave be done. I can't handle this much longer. I want to relapse and not come back from it. Someone give me a big bag of meth and a fucking needle. Cuz I'm too weak and can't handle this bullshit. I'm done I give up... Fuck this and everyone else. . I can't breath so why not just fuck it.

[be-awake]

I miss hearing you say I love you. You still do ish. But I still miss it.  May e wayy too much. Just like I do kisses from you. Like not forehead kisses which are my second favorite. But the kisses that just change your soul. Like when we first kissed. Or the kiss I got from you when you first moved back with Hanna or the kiss we shared the first time you had me come out to your house, or the kiss when you had me come over back in November. Or the kiss we had two day before my birthday. And then the one we shared the night of my birthday before you fell asleep. But my favorite one was the one we shared last week. I apologise if I seem to be a bit mushy. But there is so much that I miss that I would honestly kill to have back again. I know it's some where inside of you and not when your just drunk like I was thinking. But maybe because you were/ are going through hard life changing stuff with quiting drinkin.. maybe you hid it away so you wouldn't get hurt. I know I do that at times.. well I did do it.. had to a few weeks ago.

B, you know they say to find true happiness and to be really in love you gotta find those things in yourself. Well I did a long time ago. I just hide it so I can't get hurt. People put me against myself when they know that I care about me. When I started using meth that first time I knew  I was fucked. For a while. So I hide who I was who I am from everyone but you... You knew me before the drug and then and still do today I feel safe with you. You where my support then and still are today. You mean so much to me through all the hurt, the running and pushing away, you still stayed. You love me for everything I am even on the days it's hard for me to see. I still know you love me. No matter the number is girls I've still always been number one. Sorry I didn't see this before. But am I wrong ...If so please tell me I love you B

[be-awake]

A&B

Looking back at everything, over the years I've known him and the years he has stolen my heart and soul. We used to talk, alot , and anyway we possibly could. We had this problem though of running away from one another when one of us would get too close to the other. We have been so destroyed by other humans who have claimed to love us ,and with that painful break we learned how to run away as fast as we could if anyone no matter who it was, once they got that close to us we ran fast and hard to get away. Also over the years, we got closer, became better friends, best friends. We listened to one another better, stood up for each other no matter what it was that they did wrong or good to someone we always stuck up for each other and we did it from more than 1,000 miles+ apart or just a few minutes drive down the street. We gave our friendship our all. We gave each other a love that not even us understood. However once that closeness came even between us we still ran, no matter how painful it was, we still ran. The silence over 2 1/2 years was hard. Life changed alot for the two of us in our separate lives.My mind would constantly wonder and think about him. The thought ran through my mind, down to my heart , then exploded into my soul. My love for this human, this wonderful man, my best friend was so intense I could feel his energy. It freaked me out because I could only feel him when we lived in the same state. However, to my knowledge he lived in many states across the U.S from Utah. Well turns out I was very wrong, and my soul was right. He was home. I can't remember who contacted whom first, or how we contacted one another, but it was like clock work. I felt his energy and it was not even a day, more like hours and we were talking like he had never left. Back to where we left off.. except he was committed.  Just my luck right?! Broke me so bad, but I stayed. I missed my friend. It was so nice to wander the city and take photos of whatever. Just being with him was all I honestly cared about. Hearing him talk, sing, watching him be a complete goofball was wonderful. For how empty I felt before that day from my divorce , was so dark and depressing. He lit up my life, my heart, my soul once again. It was so nice to be happy, to be light on my feet. It was the most unexplainable feeling I've ever had to just have my best friend back. Then I found out he was engaged to this girl. I swallowed my pride, I was happy for him that he was for once happy and going to settle down. That didn't last long. As we know, a few months passed by and we started talking again and this time we got pretty damn close, and not just friends either. We fell for each other hard.  Again.  But neither one of us was willing to run. After a few amazing months, I'm unclear of what all happened or why we stopped talking. We didn't run, we just faded. 

      It was strange.

                                   We had very little contact from October 2017 to  September of last year, 2019, Then either the day before or after or even on Thanksgiving he had me come over. He was drunk as he tended to be from time to time. He and I talked, we cuddled and one thing led to another. 

                    ....Breath...

 I remember waking up next to him; Best warm fuzziest ever. The ones he makes me feel are out of this world, no way to explain them because you can't. It's just love honestly.  Our bodies entangled together. His skin was like magic to me. I've never experienced bliss before until this moment. Sense then we have been inseparable, until well after my birthday in April this year things drastically changed. He was doing something more positive for himself to better his health. So from April 15,2020  today, May 23, 2020,  it has been hard for me and possibly him as well. I just don't know because he doesn't talk to me much anymore, even when I'm sitting next to him. We hardly talk, touch, look at each other, goof off, kiss, make love/have sex, hug, hold hands. Kisses on the forehead have stopped, texting slowed wayy the fuck down, open communication came to a halt; which was weird cuz he and I a few days before my birthday talked about how happy we were that we could come together sit down and talk about anything and everything no matter what it was about. He and I could talk about it, work through it and get through anything. Now... With all this change, he doesn't talk about anything hardly ever. He avoids me when I bring up things that bother me, doesn't answer any real serious question I ask or text him about. He hardly is exciting to have me come over when we couldn't wait for our weekends or our Tuesday nights for our time together. I feel like I bug him even when he says I don't bother him. His body language says so differently. So I'll stay from Friday afternoon to Monday afternoon then I  go home. When I would get to him the first thing always was a kiss and hug hello. Come Monday it was always a hug and kiss goodbye however we never wanted to let go, or have me go home. He used to tell me that I was home so I didn't need to go home. His home was my home and he wanted to keep it that way because he hated how he felt when I wasn't there with him. Now; I go over there and no hug, no kiss just a hi how are you? That's it. No excited ness in his voice. He now asks me when I think I'm going home. Or how long I'm staying this time.. we hardly ever shower together, craft together. However , we have had a few nights by the fire but with like 5 to 10 feet between us. The silence that I could hear past the fire crackling and making its own little firework show, was painful. I sat by myself hardly on my phone. While he was always checking his phone or playing a game as he sat farway but next to me while I stared and watched the fire. I thought my heart breaking deafening, I was wrong. To me he didn't notice, he didn't care. Because even if he couldn't hear it, anyone who is connected to any human like he and I are.  You would feel it, you could see it. Yet he said nothing nor did he ask. Once we went inside he was quick to go take a warm bath upstairs which I can't ever join him...ever.  I don't take baths at home cuz my tub is tiny and it doesn't stay warm for nothing. However he and I used to love taking baths together all the time. Shit I remember one time tell him no it was okay that's just he goes to take one and I'd wait for him. He looked at me with the most shocked face, grabbed my wrist to pull me closer to him. He grabbed my waist and threw me over his shoulder and took me into the bathroom, locked the door and told me I was going to take a cuddle bath with him because that's what we do. I laughed so hard just because of how he said it. Mind you this man, this human, I would move mountains for. He is the first person I have ever had in my life who accepted me 2000% and I accepted him 2000% flaws and all.  Anyhow back to where I was; We cuddle like maybe 10% of the time when we sleep. Before we always made sure that even if we couldn't cuddle some part of our body or skin was touching the whole night. Most nights he either had me pulled so close into his body with his arms wrapped around me, not letting go. Or I held him so close into me and my arms wrapped so tight around him. 

 It's rare that this happens anymore.

......breath.....

 I feel so broken; like it's my fault.  anytime I bring it up or ask about us and what is kinda eating at my brain.. he says we are good and that he loves me . So things have changed. I just think he lost the spark he used to get with me. What changed everything, was he decided to make a change for his health and stopped drinking and smoking. He has over a month sober from drinking and about 3 weeks of no smoking. I couldn't be more proud of him. He was so unsure if he could do it again. He has blown me away with how much he has been working out. We go on walks that aren't very talkative and silent. He is just less interested in us. In me. I feel like because if you were in my shoes..how would you feel with such a drastic change? However he still has his moments that last a few minutes to maybe a few hours and only for one day possibly two; if I'm lucky but never the whole time I'm there like it used to be, then back to what he is doing. He has these raspberry moments, like the raspberry you give people on their tummies to tickle them. Well I'm a very ticklish person, he does this and doesn't stop. I can't stop laughing, I can't breath, due to my laughter, we are having a blast. I can't complain because I've missed this terribly. Then he stops, then it goes silent again in the room around js.. Also mind you we haven't really kissed or made love in over a month. He says it's his antidepressants which it very much could be and he has told me that. However with everything else I feel like I'm not enough. That I'm not what he wants anymore. Oh side note I gave him a ring that means alot to me because it is a ring that I designed for him years ago when we first got together. I was planning on breaking the rules . Before he moved years ago I was going to ask him to marry me. Well, when he found the box in my room, he opened it and looked at it. Asking me who it was and if it was my ex husband. I told him it was what I had made for you. He was shocked, and put it on. We exchanged small vows, and it was just us, because that all we needed was us. No paperwork because you don't need a piece of paper to tell you how much you love someone. 

He used to wear his ring  all the time, every day 24/7, he never claimed that the ring bugged him either. Now, he hardly wears it . Complains that it bugs him because he normally doesn't wear any jewelry except his Celtic cross; which we both have one. I fell in love with it, and copied him. If I remember correctly he gave me mine after we were together for 4 or 6  months but I am not forsure on that.So I feel awful that I did this a few weeks ago...

 I took his ring one day to see if he would notice at all. He didn't. I was fucking broken. One weekend I was over there after having his ring all week, and him unaware that I took it. He showered, then got dressed and asked if I had seen his ring? I played dumb and told him no. He started to panic a little, continuing looking for it, as he was looking he told me how he took it off this morning to do yoga because he got all sweaty and he didn't want to loose it; mind you I wasn't there this morning when he did yoga, I got there in the late afternoon. So him telling me this, I thought well fuck maybe he may really want to wear it this time, I was excited about this thought.  I told him I'd look in his closet because maybe it was on his dresser in there. Also side note his ring was in my pocket this whole time as he is sitting there looking for his ring and lying to me.  So I walk into his closet, pretend to find it. He walked over so quickly. Hugged me kissed my forehead and said he loved me and didn't know what he would have done if he lost that ring because it means everything to him. At this point I feel like it doesn't mean anything to him. He didn't worry about it till after I was there a couple of hours and also didn't notice it wasn't there for a whole week.  Next time I took it,it was on his bookshelf, it had been for a few days. I was struggling so I wore it to feel him.. his love, his energy. I forgot I was wearing it and went home with it on. Few days passed, I was getting ready to head over to his house and I told him how I had his ring, and also why I had it. Again his ring was missing, The ring he loved so much and felt empty when he didn't have it on. Well again, I had it he didn't know until I told him I had it because I forgot I wore it when I was depressed and couldn't get out of a very dark place.. Not once did he ask if I had seen it or anything.. sure tells me alot when he didn't worry about it for a week or a little bit longer than a week. The next day he and his mom went out thrift shopping. I chose not to go because of the current state my mind was in. While they were gone I decided to place his ring on his speaker, right by his side of his bed. When he returned home I was gardening with his dad outside. Once we both went back down to his room, he noticed his ring . He thanked me for giving it back. Then in the next ten minutes it wasn't on the speaker anymore, the whole weekend I looked to see if he was wearing it, he wasn't, and he still isn't. So where it disappeared to is beyond me. Also he doesn't send me funny, cute,sexy photos of himself at all anymore. We used to send them to each other all the time. Sadly I've stopped sorta because I get responses like "having fun?" Or no response at all... NVM I've written a lot and I have 1 follower. I just needed to get this out and off my chest. I honestly have no one to vent this to. He said I can always vent to him, and I've tried with this before but I guess it's all in my head because he won't ever really talk about it or answer anything anymore... It honestly ripped my heart out, tearing my soul to tiny bits. He doesn't see all this, that I'm going through or experiencing and it's like he doesn't care. I just need reassuring that this isn't all in my head and that he still loves me and wants to be with me. He also is avoiding me when I ask if I can come over or when I can see him next. This has been the first week like a full week that we haven't seen each other. He hardly texts or calls or responds to my texts and it kills me. It kills me to think that he is done. But treating someone like this and how it makes me feel is uncalled for, also unnecessary to do to someone who you love mind, heart and soul. It fucks a human up. Drives them insane. But what do I do if I am wrong? What if this is all in my head and things are only going this way because I'm projecting them? I honestly need someone to see this, a stranger, a human, alien, anybody. I need an answer to this issue that I'm experiencing. I need a human to talk to that isn't scared to talk to me like I feel like he is. I can't take this. I need to know if I am projecting and fucking shit up or if he really doesn't give a shit and doesn't love me but doesn't have the balls to tell me and end it.

I hate saying let alone think that.

Thank you for hearing me vent and what not. I just need someone, anyone. So I'm begging anyone, I wouldn't care if he stumbled upon this himself and read it. Maybe if I was lucky he would respond to it, to prove to me that I'm projecting and to knock this shit off because he truly loves me . If he does find this and read it I hope he proves to me that he loves me and cares because my brain is evil all the time and I've just needed an amazing hug and one life changing kiss like he used to give me daily. I don't want to lose him. I love him with everything I am. I just can't handle this pain. 

P.S. 

B- I love you with everything I am. I want this to work. I can't be silent. I hope this gets your attention finally because I can't keep ignoring this, whether it's just my evil brain projecting or if you're really done. I need to know please because it's breaking everything I am. I love you. Forever and a day. Always. Xoxo A