#being laid off twice in one year has GOT to be a new record

[cursedbanalities]

There’s nothing more soul crushing than knowing that there’s nothing you can do (legally) to fix things.

[callsign-dexter]

Custody Court

Request: I would like one of Mini TK with the title of custody court, where TK and Carlos, sue the mother of (Y/N) for the damages and mistreatment she has done to her little girl, but not before she goes to prison for the damages to the minor, I need justice for the little girl. 

Pairings: TK Strand x Daughter!Reader, Carlos Reyes x Daughter!Reader, TK Strand x Carlos Reyes

Warnings: angst, fluff, cursing, very inaccurate court talk

Mini TK

Masterlist

2 years is how long you have been living with your father, TK Strand, and his boyfriend, Carlos Reyes aka your second father, and you were thriving. You loved every second of it. You were only 5 when you showed up at your father's workplace with your mother who had talked with your grandpa alone and then just left. You were confused and heartbroken but then you met your fathers, grandfather, and Your 126 family and you forgot all about your mother. 

Your mother had signed away her rights when she gave you up and TK took those rights after he signed the papers and turned them into the court. You would think that would be the last time you saw her but boy were you wrong. She started to frequently show up everywhere especially when she knew you would be at that place and she showed up at your school on numerous occasions, both fathers were contacted and Carlos even escorted her off the property several times.

In those 2 years you had opened up and became a new girl. You made jokes and laughed and loved to play games and sports. Your fathers never pushed you into something you didn't like. If it was a sport and you said that you didn't like it and weren't having fun then you would be instantly pulled from the team and wouldn't be forced to do it again. If there was a certain food you didn't like you would express that to them and they wouldn't feed you it anymore. They found out you were allergic to shellfish, cinnamon, coconut, kiwi, peas and spinach. Your mother didn't know any of these and fed you these things and you would have an allergic reaction and she would do nothing; she would just leave. You time you had almost died because you had stopped breathing twice and laid there and it took someone else to call 911 to actually get you the medical attention you needed and even after that she didn't give a shit. This happened on her watch 4 different times. 

Having been living with TK and Carlos you had met TK's father aka your grandfather, Owen Strand, and you loved but not the food he made and that's how you found out you were allergic to a lot of things. You had also met Carlos’ mother and father aka your soon to be but is already your grandmother and grandfather, Andrea Reyes and Gabriel Reyes, you loved them both too. They were happy to have a granddaughter to spoil. Carlos and Gabriel both worked for the police and have seen every record of yours, mostly hospital records and 911 calls along with her records. These would come in handy later on during this week. 

—--

The Reyes-Strand household were sleeping peacefully when their alarm started to go off at 6:30 AM. Carlos was quick to wake up and turn it off so it didn’t wake you up and so that you could sleep in, in the process TK was being woken up. “Hmmm time already?” He asked and Carlos smiled and kissed his boyfriend.

“It is for me but you can sleep in a little bit longer.” He said smiling and that made TK smile. TK’s shift started at 10 AM and he would be gone for 24 hrs and would be getting home at 10 AM the following day. 

“Mmmm that’s right. I still want to get Y/N/N up.” He said and Carlos smiled.

“Ok, Baby.” Carlos said and kissed him and so they both were up. Carlos got in the shower while TK went and started into the kitchen but first, he checked on you. He walked to your room and opened the door to find you sound asleep snuggled under your blankets holding your little stuffed wolf that Carlos had won for you. You had always been one for warmth, you also tended to wear hoodies outside when it could be blazing hot but that is just how you were. He smiled and walked on into the kitchen to start to get breakfast and your lunch packed. Carlos was in the shower getting ready and when he was done, he walked out in his clothes and into the kitchen where TK was handing him a cup of coffee and then a plate of food. It was now 7:30 AM and it was time for you to get up. TK headed to your room and walked in. 

“Good morning, Princess.” TK said softly in a soothing tone but it was enough to stir you he smiled. “It's time to get up. It is your last day of school.” He said, chuckling and smiling as he went over to your bed and got down his knees and rubbed your back, you groaned.

“No. Stay home.” You said turning away from him and he chuckled.

“No, it is time to get up.” He said and stroked your hair and you sighed but opened your eyes. “There are those pretty eyes I love so much.” He said and you rubbed them and then he was standing up and moving around but you stayed. He picked out your clothes with your approval and then he was getting you up and ushering you to the bathroom to have you brush your teeth. When you were done in there he was already in your bedroom when you came in. You got dressed and he and you talked about anything and everything. Once you were dressed you both were heading in the kitchen where Carlos was plating your plate and getting you a drink. 

“Good morning, Cariño.” Carlos said smiling.

“Good morning, Papa.” You said walking over and hugging him. 

“She didn’t want to get up.” TK said and Carlos chuckled.

“Reminds me of someone else.” He said meaning TK.

“I am not like that.” TK defended 

“Yes, you are, Daddy.” You said smiling.

“You turned me kid against me.” TK said faking hurt and that made you chuckle along with Carlos while TK smiled at hearing you laugh.

“Our kid and yes you are hard to get up.” Carlos said

“You’re one to talk.” TK playfully smirked, you just sat back and watched them playfully argue. Every now and then you would chime in while you ate. TK had started to fool around with your hair as you and Carlos had breakfast and he had put your hair up into a French braid. He had learned to do hair when you were young and he was proud to say that he was a master of it and so was Carlos, he had practiced and learned too. Soon you were finished eating and hugging TK “Have a good day at school. I’ll see you tomorrow morning.” He said and you smiled and you nodded.

“Love you too, Daddy.” You said and he kissed your head. Carlos was holding your bag and lunch bag waiting and watching the interaction being exchanged. TK was soon saying bye to his boyfriend and kissing him and the two of you were off. They took turns waking you up and taking you to school. Carlos helped you into the car and made sure you were buckled in before he was pulling out of the driveway.

“Are you ready for today?” He asked and you shrugged.

“I guess so.” You said and he smiled. He knew that you didn’t like being away from him and your father for too long.

“Everything is going to be great.” He said and you smiled and then he turned on the radio and began to sing which made you smile and joined in with him. You both sang and laughed until he was dropping you off at school with a kiss to the temple and a hug and watched you walk into the school with your teacher and then he was off to work.

—---

TK had just arrived at work and walked into the station and was greeted by his father, Owen. “How is my beautiful granddaughter?” He asked and TK rolled his eyes.

“Hello to you too, Dad. Carlos and I are perfect. She’s doing good. Didn’t want to get up this morning.” He told his dad and Owen chuckled.

“Just like her daddy.” Owen said, teasing his son.

“Funny that is what Carlos said.” TK said and Owen chuckled. Soon everyone started to come in and their shift began. Not many calls came in but every now and then they would be called and off they went to save the person. 

They had just gotten back from a call and everyone was talking and laughing. They were talking about the recent call and putting their gear away and TK was restocking the ambulance when someone walked into the firehouse. TK was in the ambulance so he couldn’t see them but he could hear what was going on. “Can I help you?” Judd asked the man.

“Where can I find TK Strand?” The man asked.

“I’ll get him.” Judd said “Hey TK! Someone is here to see you!” Judd said and TK came out of the ambulance about the time Owen showed up as well. Everyone was looking in curiosity. 

“I’m TK. What can I do for you?” He asked, the man pulled out a manila envelope and handed it to him.

“You’ve been served.” He said and then he was turning and leaving about the time Carlos walked in and passed him giving him a confused look. TK and everyone were speechless, he couldn’t stop staring at the package. 

“What’s wrong?” Carlos asked 

“I’ve been served.” TK said 

“For what?” Owen asked

“I have no clue.” He replied and started to open the envelope and pulled out the contents. He started to read through it. “Fiona is trying to fight for custody of Y/N.” He said and his heart plummeted.

“Didn’t she sign over her rights as her mother?” Tommy asked and TK nodded.

“She did but now she’s trying to fight for it back.” TK said

“No, absolutely not. She is not going to get custody back.” Carlos said 

“Is she legally allowed to do this?” Judd asked 

“Technically a parent who has given up their rights to a child cannot regain custody or visitation. But she can petition the court to regain custody and/or visitation rights.” Marjon said, looking at her phone and then looking up. 

“Fiona gave up her rights that should be the end of it. Why in the world would she want it back?” Nancy asked and TK shrugged as Carlos took papers and started to read through it.

“She must be high or drinking again. We have a pretty strong case against her.” Owen said and Judd nodded.

“He’s right. I can get police records of everything and emergency records. It also helps that I adopted her last month as well.” Carlos said 

“We’ll figure this out. We’re not losing our Mini TK.” Mateo said and TK nodded. He just didn’t know what to say. He felt like he could throw up at the possibility that he could lose his daughter, you. He couldn’t lose you. He, Carlos, and everyone else loved you so much. He was going to fight for you.

“He's right. We'll figure it out. Right now, let's get lunch.” Carlos said looking at his boyfriend who was clearly upset. TK nodded and let himself be led away to the kitchen and when they got food Owen, Carlos, and TK went up to Owen's office. 

“I just don't understand.” TK said, looking over the paperwork. “What if I lose her? What if I lose our daughter?” He asked looking up at Carlos.

“That's not going to happen. We both have a steady job and a steady income. Y/N has flourished since being with you. Yes, we work long shifts but we have set hours and we have people at our beck and call when we need her to be watched. We're not losing her.” He said 

“What if she brings up my past and comas?” He asked and Owen answered.

“She has a past too. She has a record. Fiona can't use that against you.” Owen said and TK nodded. 

“How do you know she has a record?” Carlos asked suspiciously and Owen shook his head.

“That's not the important thing right now.” Owen said and that made TK smile and chuckle. It grew silent but it was a comfortable silence. They ate while in the comforting presence of each other. 

“I can't believe Fiona is trying to get her back. She didn't even care about her. We still have that note that she wrote to you about her.” TK said and Carlos nodded.

“We use that against her. We get the medical and police records. We also need to hire an attorney.” Carlos said 

“I have a friend that is an attorney and a really good one. He would help out in a second.” Owen said 

“Is he close?” TK asked and Owen nodded

“Very. I'll give him a call-” He started to say as soon as the bells went off “when we come back.” He said and Carlos and TK nodded as they stood up. They exchanged ‘be careful's and they were off.

—---

It was the end of the day for you and you had just walked outside of the school building to see Carlos’ Camero and you smiled and made your way over to him. He got out when he saw you coming his way. “Hi, Papa.” You greeted him excitedly.

“Hi, Cariño. Did you have a good day?” He asked, hugging you as you nodded.

“Uh huh!” You said and went on explaining your day to him and he smiled seeing the excitement in your eyes. It made everything disappear and the bad news that he and TK had gotten not matter for a few minutes. He let you go on and on about your day and he would answer when needed. Soon he was pulling up to the house and parking and then getting you out of the car. He grabbed your stuff as he watched you scamper off to the front door and wait for him and that made him smile. He shut the door and locked it and then walked up to the front door unlocked it as you grabbed the handle and pushed it open and ran into the house. 

“Easy!” He yelled out when you sped into the house and all he got in response was a giggle and that made him smile. You had disappeared while he was in the kitchen going through your bag and grabbing your lunch box and opening it, disposing of the trash and the half-eaten contents. His mind went to the news that he and TK had gotten. He was so caught up in his mind that when you presented Lou in front of his face he jumped and almost let out a n inhuman shriek. “Y/N Y/M/N Strand! You scared the shi- crap out of me!” He yelled with a hand over his heart.

“Ohhhh you almost said a bad word.” You teased smirking and he rolled his eyes.

“Why do you have Lou?” He asked, eyeing the alligator lizard suspiciously.

“I told you I was going to get him out and play with him. You said ok.” You said and then he realized that he did in fact say it was ok while he was caught up in thinking about the previous events.

“That’s right.” He said and you looked at him.

“Papa… are you ok? Do you want to hold Lou to make you feel better?” You asked, thrusting the lizard into this face and visibly flinching.

“I’m ok Cariño. You can keep Lou.” He said and was glad when you pulled him away from his face.

“Ok.” You said and skipped off and he let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. Carlos was glad and relaxed when you had put Lou away and then the rest of the night was all about you and him. You both played games and he helped you with your homework. Supper was made and eaten and a few movies were watched after a bath and getting ready for bed. You had fallen asleep snuggled into his side and he carried you to bed. As he was slipping out of your room his phone rang, he looked at the name and saw it was TK and he answered it.

“Hello?” Carlos asked

“Hey, Baby. Dad called his friend and we are all set to go.” TK said as Carlos arrived at the kitchen.

“That’s great! When does he want to meet us?” He asked

“Tomorrow after you drop Y/N/N off at school.” TK said and Carlos nodded.

“That sounds great. She’s not going to be taken away from us.” Carlos said and he could hear TK smile.

“How is she?” TK asked

“She’s great. I just put her to bed not too long ago.” He said

“Damn I missed her. We just got back from a call.” TK said, sounding sad.

“It’s ok. You can talk to her in the morning.” He said 

“That sounds great.” TK said

“She played with Lou when we got home. Scared the shit out of me.” He said and TK laughed “Hey it's not funny!” He defended but smiled.

“Yes, it is! There is nothing to be scared about.” TK chuckled, “Besides the flesh eating when it’s hungry.” He said knowing it would rile up his boyfriend.

“Not funny.” Carlos said and then the bell went off.

“Duty calls. Love you.” TK said

“Love you too. Be careful.” Carlos said

“Always.” TK replied and then they were both hanging the phone up. 

Carlos smiled and finished up what he needed to do downstairs and watched a little more TV and then he was heading off to bed after making sure you were still good and sound asleep. He got himself ready and got into bed and fell asleep. His night was filled with questions and waking up multiple times and he was having nightmares and that led to him checking in on you making sure you were still there. At one point after 4 AM he woke from a cold sweat and he had to get up and check on you and then he was heading to the living room and watched some TV he and TK texted for a few and then he was dozing off on the couch. It wasn’t even 3 hours later when he was jerking awake to his phone alarm going off. He was quick to turn it off and stand up and stretch. He started a pot of coffee then he was heading to your room to start getting you ready.  “Mi Cariño it is time to get up.” He said walking into your room and kneeling down beside your bed.

“Papa?” You asked and he smiled as you opened your eyes and looked at him sleepily.

“Yes, Cariño?” He asked

“Daddy?” You asked

“He’s at work. Do you want to see if I can call him while you get ready for school?” He asked and you nodded your head and he smiled and nodded. “Ok. Go brush your teeth and get changed. I'll be down in the kitchen.” He said and again you nodded

“Ok, Papa.” You said and he got up as you climbed out of bed to do as you were told. Carlos went down into the kitchen and started breakfast as he pulled out his phone and dialed his boyfriend and the father of his daughter, he answered almost immediately.

“Hey, Baby.” TK answered 

“Hey! Someone wants to say hi.” He said and just then you came into the kitchen and he put the phone on speaker.

“Daddy?” You asked 

“Hi, Princess.” TK said as Carlos handed you the phone and he continued making breakfast. “Were you good for Papa last night and this morning?” He asked

“Yes, Daddy! We played with Lou!” You said excitedly.

“Correction, she played with Lou while I stayed my distance.” Carlos butted in as he made your lunch for the day. TK chuckled. You definitely got your braveness and love for unique animals from him. 

“You love Lou don’t you?” TK asked and you nodded enthusiastically.

“I do! He’s just the best!” You said and Carlos cringed. 

“Are you going to have a good day at school today?” He asked

“You know it, Daddy! I miss you.” You said with a frown and that made Carlos smile sadly.

“I miss you too but I’ll see you after school today.” He said and your face lit up.

“Really?” You asked 

“Really.” He said and you shrieked just then the bells went off. “Hey, listen I have to go but you be good for Papa and have a good day at school and remember I love you.” He said and you nodded.

“I love you too!” You said and then handed the phone to Carlos.

“Be safe. I love you. I’ll see you later.” Carlos said 

“I love you too, Baby.” He said and then the phone was being hung up. During the whole conversation you were eating and so was he.  

After breakfast Carlos got your backpack together, he had you get your homework done after supper. He and you headed to the car and he headed to your school which wasn’t that far away and he was thankful for that. When he arrived, he gave you a kiss and a hug “Be good and don’t get in trouble. I love you.” He said and you nodded.

“You got it, Papa! Love you too!” You said and then you were ushered off into the school by a teacher. Now it was time for him to meet TK at the lawyer’s office but first he was picking up coffee for the both of them.

—---

Carlos parked beside TK’s Jeep and got out when he got out. They hugged and kissed each other and TK was handed his coffee. “You, ok?” Carlos asked and TK shrugged.

“It’s all just hitting me and I don’t like any of it.” He said and Carlos nodded.

“I get it. I do. Let’s go in and see what can be done.” Carlos said and TK nodded and so they walked into the building and the receptionist was quick to guide them into a very nice-looking office and degrees were displayed everywhere. 

“Mr. Terious, Mr. Reyes and Mr. Strand are here.” The receptionist said a man in his 50s looked up and smiled and stood up. He had short dark hair, blue eyes, slight stubble, and he was at least 6’0” tall.

“Thank you, Christina.” He said and she smiled and walked out of the room closing the door.

“I’m Corey Terious but you can just call me Corey.” Corey said and smiled.

“I’m Carlos, TK’s boyfriend, the other father of Y/N.” Carlos said and shook his hand.

“I’m TK, the father.” TK said and shook his hand.

“Your father has told me a lot about you both. Please sit.” Corey said “Carlos you said that you were the other father.” He said and Carlos nodded.

“Yes, I adopted her last month.” He said and Corey nodded.

“That will help majorly. I’ve done my research and it looks like Fiona Hart gave up parental rights to Y/N when she dropped her off at the station. Is that correct?” He asked and TK nodded.

“Yes, we have a copy and the courts have a copy.” He said and Corey nodded. 

“Both of you have good steady jobs and paychecks coming in regularly that also helps. TK I also see that you have a past but you’ve been cleared of everything.” He said looking through the notes and TK nodded.

“That’s right.” TK said as Carlos’ hand went to hold his.

“Will it help if I could get medical records and police records of Fiona?” Carlos asked and Corey looked up at him.

“It would but I don’t want you to risk your job.” He said and Carlos shook his head.

“I wouldn’t be. I want to help out with this as much as possible.” He said and Corey nodded.

“Very well. Is there anything you can tell me about the day Y/N was dropped off to you, TK?” He said looking over to him. TK nodded.

“She was covered in bruises and she smelled of drugs. Judd Ryder had her while I and dad talked to Fiona. We also have pictures of the bruising.” He said and Corey nodded.

“Would Judd be ok with going on the stand?” He asked and TK nodded.

“Yes, he loves that little girl as much as we do. He also noticed that when something loud sounded, she flinched away.” TK nodded and Corey nodded as he wrote down what he just learned. The meeting went on for another hour and more coffee was consumed and then they were standing up.

“It looks like we have a strong case. I’ll keep in touch. Carlos when you get those records please send them over right away.” Corey said and Carlos nodded.

“Absolutely.” Carlos said and Corey smiled and walked around the desk and shook their hand and they started to walk towards the door.

“Is there any possible way we could sue her and send her to prison for what she has done?” TK asked and Corey paused and thought for a moment.

“I’ll look into it.” He said and TK smiled and nodded.

“Thank you so much.” He said and Carlos nodded and then they said their goodbyes and they were on their way.

“See you later Mr. Reyes and Mr. Strand.” Christina said and they smiled.

“Please call us Carlos and TK.” Carlos said and she smiled.

“Very well.” She said and they were headed out of the building. They walked to their cars.

“We got this.” Carlos said, pulling his boyfriend in for a hug.

“I know but it’s still fucking scary.” TK said and Carlos nodded.

“I know it is and you owe a dollar to the swear jar.” Carlos said smirking at the last part and TK rolled his eyes.

“She’s not even around.” He said smiling.

“I know I was just messing with you.” Carlos said and they kissed each other and then they got in their cars and headed home.

—---

They both arrived home and parked their cars in the driveway and they headed inside. TK went to take a shower and change and then he was joining Carlos on the couch. Neither of them said anything as they held each other and watched whatever show they had saved. Lunch was ordered in and they had it on the couch as they just enjoyed being in the embrace of each other. When it came time to pick you up, they were both headed to TK’s Jeep and they were off. Very small talk was made and music filled the car. They were quick to get to your school and they were getting out and greeting your smiling happy face as you ran to them “Papa! Daddy!” You shouted and they smiled.

“Hey Princess!” TK said and bent down as you ran into his arms.

“Hi, Cariño!” Carlos said and hugged you as TK stood up. 

“I missed you.” TK said 

“I missed you too, Daddy.” You said and they smiled, they loaded you up into the car and they were headed home. The care ride was much more enjoyable and you were now nonstop talking and giggling and they gave input when it was needed. They arrived home and everyone was getting out. Once you were out you skipped up to the front door and waited and when they got there and opened the door you were rushing in dropping everything and you disappeared upstairs. TK grabbed your bag and lunch box and brought it to the table. Carlos took your lunch box and started what he did yesterday while TK went through your backpack. Tomorrow was Saturday which meant that everyone could sleep in and both men had the day off. 

“Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!” You yelled out coming into the kitchen.

“Yes, Princess?” He asked 

“Lou got out.” You said and Carlos froze.

“Y/N, what did you just say?” He asked

“Lou got out.” You said looking at him.

“Uh um ok. Nobody panic. We got this under control.” Carlos said, clearly panicking.

“Babe, it is ok.” TK

“Yea, Papa. It’s ok.” You said 

“I’m going to go and get supper while you find Lou.” Carlos said and was out of there quickly. You and TK looked at each other and shrugged and off the two you went to find Lou. 

2 hours later Carlos was coming back home even though you and TK had found Lou only 6 minutes after he left, turns out he was under the lamp in your room. Carlos walked in to you and TK on the couch cuddled up together. “Hey guys.” He said suspiciously the both of you turned around.

“Hi!” You both said.

“Did you find Lou?” He asked and you and TK looked at each other. “Did you?” He asked again and no answer “Alright. We are moving.” He said as he set the food down and the two of you burst out laughing.

“Babe, we found him 6 minutes after you left.” TK said laughing as the two of you walked over to the table.

“Oh, thank goodness. I love this house.” He said and you and TK laughed as he helped set the dinner table. 

Supper was eaten and then cleaned up. The three of you cuddled up on the couch and a movie was put on about 40 minutes into the movie and you were out like light snuggled between your two fathers and they smiled and let you sleep. The movie ended and TK was carrying you up the stairs and into the room he kissed your forehead and was out the door while turning the light off, Carlos was right behind him doing the same thing and then they were headed to bed.

It was a very uneventful night and everyone stayed asleep. Carlos and TK were woken up by TK’s phone ringing and he was quick to answer it. 

“Hello?” TK asked 

“TK it’s Corey. I’m sorry for waking you up so early but I wanted to let you know everything looks good and is ready to go. Thank Carlos for getting me those records. We have a date set for Monday morning.” Corey said

“That’s great, thank you so much. We’ll see you on Monday.” TK said

“Very good. I’ll let you both enjoy your day with your little girl.” He said then he was saying bye and hanging up.

“You little shit. You were getting records, weren’t you?” TK asked his boyfriend.

“Guilty.” He said and smiled and so did TK.

“I love you.” TK said

“I love you too.” Carlos said and kissed him “So?” He asked

“Oh yea. That was Corey and he said everything looked good and we have a date set for Monday.”TK said

“Woah, that is fast.” Carlos said and TK nodded

“I agree but it's great.” TK said and it was Carlos’ turn to nod. 

“What time is it?” Carlos asked

“11 AM.” TK said about that time you came running into their room and jumping in the middle.

“Papa! Daddy!” You yelled out and they smiled at you and they grabbed you and snuggled you. You guys stayed there for a few minutes. “I’m hungry.” You said plainly and they laughed.

“Alright, Princess. Let’s go.” He said as they both got up and headed into the kitchen. TK texted his father and let him know what was going on and then he was texting Judd too. Judd came back and let him know he would be happy to do anything for you.

The rest of the weekend was spent with each other being in each other’s presence.

—---

Monday rolled around and it was decided to have you go to school and be picked up by one of your aunts while your fathers were at custody court. TK and Carlos dropped you off at school in the Jeep and then they were heading to the court house. They were both so nervous but knew they had this in the bag. TK parked and they headed in and went through security with ease. When they got to the floor, they saw Corey and all of the 126, you had become part of their family and they weren’t going to let you go that easily. “Good morning, both of you. This is just a hearing. We’ll have to wait for a set date.” He said and they both nodded.

“We understand.” TK said and Corey nodded.

“Very well. Let’s go in.” He said and then they went in along with the others. Everyone was nervous but they knew they had won the case. TK and Fiona spotted each other and she smirked and she walked over to him smiling.

“Hello TK.” She said smiling and TK smiled back because he knew if he was mean or said anything downgrading her the court would be over and the battle would be lost.

“Hey, Fiona.” He said and Carlos was there the whole time.

“You must be Carlos. It’s nice to meet you.” She said and he nodded.

“Nice to meet you too.” Even though he knew it was a lie and everyone did too. 

“How’s Y/N?” She asked

“She’s great.” TK said 

“Does she ask about me?” She asked

“No.” Carlos said he and TK just wanted this conversation to end. The judge walked in and she went back over to her table and they sighed in relief.

“All rise the Honorable Judge Hayes is presiding.” The judge walked in and then sat down and everyone sat. The hearing began, evidence was presented and questions were asked. The hearing was long and drawn out by the time they were done it was late and everyone was tired. Fiona played the ‘oh poor pitiful me’ card but nobody bought it. When they met with Corey, he had really good things to say and then they were able to go home. When they got out of the building it was almost dark and they knew you would be home and probably asleep. 

Carlos opted to drive home and TK didn’t even protest the drive was driven in silence, events still playing through their heads. Carlos pulled into the driveway and sat there for a few minutes and looked at each other. “We got this. She’s not going anywhere.” Carlos said and TK nodded.

“I believe you. I just can’t deal with losing her.” He said and Carlos shook his head.

“We’re not. We’re the best option for her and her mother is not.” Carlos said putting a hand on his boyfriend’s cheek and TK leaned into it. “Hey, I love you.” He added.

“I love you too.” TK said and kissed his boyfriend and then they were heading inside and were greeted with a TV on low volume. Luisa turned and smiled at her brother and hopefully future brother-in-law.

“Hey. How did it go?” She asked getting up to go and greet them.

“I think we have a very strong case against her. She’s not getting her back.” Carlos said and TK nodded. 

“Did she behave for you?” TK asked and Luisa smiled and nodded.

“She’s a wonderful kid. Very polite.” She said and that made TK and Carlos smile.

“That is because TK is her father.” Carlos said and TK blushed and looked down. 

“We did her homework and then had supper. We played some games and watched TV. We also played with Lou, she loves that thing and I have to agree it is cute.” She said and Carlos’ mouth dropped.

“Seriously not you too.” He said and TK smiled.

“He’s great.” TK defended and Luisa smiled and nodded. 

“Well, it is time for me to leave. If you need me to watch her again while you guys are away to court let me know. Love you both.” She said and hugged them and they hugged back. She grabbed her stuff and she was leaving. Once she was gone, they looked at each other.

“Go check in on her and I’ll start fixing food to eat and then we are going to relax.” Carlos said and TK nodded. He had been quiet and keeping to himself throughout this process and Carlos understood, so if that meant that he had to be the strong one right now and take charge then so be it. Carlos watched his boyfriend walk away to your room.

TK arrived at your room and quietly opened it and saw you sound asleep. Your stuffed wolf had fallen and he smiled and walked further into your room and picked it and placed it into your arms. You snuggled it and fell further into sleep. He knelt down and kissed your forehead. “I love you.” He said and stroked your hair and you snuggled into his touch and he smiled and then got up and walked out cracking the door and back to his boyfriend who was holding a plate for him. 

“She, ok?” He asked and TK nodded.

“Sound to sleep snuggling the wolf you got her.” He said and that made Carlos smile.

“Good now lets eat and go back to bed.” Carlos said and TK nodded and they did just that. After they were done Carlos went and checked in on you and then they were heading to bed. 

 —---

4 weeks later and they were being called back into the courtroom. This was the final. Of course, they had been in out for small matters but this was the big and final. Corey briefed them and then the judge was coming in and being introduced. Fiona was prohibited from getting in contact with TK and Carlos and they were happy to follow that rule. The judge wanted you to be there but not in the courtroom for the time being. Court started and everyone was ready for a battle. Both lawyers presented their cases and evidence. “Your honor, the best interest for the child would be to go with the mother.” Josh Walters, Fiona’s lawyer, said.

“What evidence do you have for this?” Judge Hayes asked and Josh brought out the evidence and took it to Judge Hayes.

“As you can see the father has been arrested and has used drugs.” Josh said 

“Objection.” Corey said 

“Proceed.” Judge Hayes said and Corey brought over his paperwork.

“My client has had a steady job for years. That was in the past. As you can see Fiona has been in and out of jail since she has moved here and before she has moved here. She gave up rights as soon as she arrived in Texas. She has also been using drugs ever since. She does not have a steady paying job. I would also like to bring up the fact that Y/N has been in and out of the hospital while she was in Fiona’s care and she had stopped breathing three times.” Corey said

“Objection!” Josh said 

“Overruled!” Judge Hayes said and slammed his gavel down. “Continue.” He said to Corey.

“I would like to call the stand Firefighter Judd Ryder. He was there and was in possession of Y/N Strand while my client and the defendant were talking.” Corey said and Judge Hayes nodded and Judd was walked to the stand and sworn in. “Mr. Ryder, you had Y/N while everything was being discussed, correct?” Corey asked

“That is correct.” He said

“Can you tell what state Y/N was in while you were caring for her for the time being?” Corey asked

“She was scared to death but didn’t show it. She smelled of drugs and part of shirt fell away from her shoulder and there was a bruise which we have pictures of and you should too.” Judd said and Corey nodded and handed over the pictures. “When asked who did it to her, she said and I quote “Mommy and her boyfriends. She would have guys over all the time and they leave in the morning. The house always smelt funny. Mommy and the men always hit me when I asked something or spoke. They tried to touch me but I ran away and hid.”” He added. “While I was showing her around a loud noise happened and she flinched away.” He finished. 

“Thank you, Mr. Ryder. As you can see the best option for Y/N would be staying with her father.” Corey said. Tommy Vega was called to the stand and sworn in. “Mrs. Vega, how would you describe TK Strand and Carlos Reyes as fathers?” Corey asked.

“They are great fathers. Anything that Y/N needs or wants they are tending to her right away. They would do nothing to put her in harm's way. TK is always smiling when he talks to her and about her. Same goes for Carlos.” She said and Corey nodded and she was dismissed. The letter that Fiona had given TK was presented and so were the papers for rights being signed over. Recess was called and everyone broke away and some out of the courtroom. “We have strong evidence. We got this.” Corey said to them and they both nodded. They were being called back quickly and that was not normal.

“Has the jury reached a verdict?” Judge Hayes asked and one stood up.

“We the jury think it is in the best interest for Y/N to stay with her father.” They said and everyone sighed in relief. Judge Hayes nodded.

“Y/N will be staying with her father. It is also decided that Fiona Hart will be sentenced to life in prison for possession of drugs, dealing drugs, child endangerment, and child abuse. The father, TK Strand and Carlos Reyes will be suing Fiona Hart for $6,000 a restraining order is also being set. Court is adjourned.” Judge Hayes said and slammed his gavel down and everyone sighed in relief. They did it and they won. You were brought in and you ran to your fathers and they held you. They watched as Fiona was taken away in shackles. She tried to call out but she was forbidden to speak to you. The 126 gathered around smiling. 

“Thank you, Judd.” TK smiled and he smiled.

“Anything for you, Carlos, and Mini TK. She’s not going anywhere anytime soon. She is family for life.” He said everyone agreed. 

They did it. They had won. They’re family was staying together. Nobody was taking you away from them anytime soon. Fiona was gone out of your lives…. for now.

Tag list:

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@grandstrangerphantom

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@mel-vaz

[tusk-rumours]

sweat & girth — sam winchester/leon kennedy x reader

─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── ─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── ─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─

wc: i dont fucking know i can’t see

warnings: ?

summary: sam fucks you. ft leon.

a/n: happy new years. everything’s fuzzy. i’m a tad drunk!!!! so i write fanfic at 3am. featuring leon kennedy for @mxilkyways . she’s sleeping next to me. dream about cock my love!!! 🫶🫶🫶🫶

─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── ─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── ─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─

sam already had you sprawled out on the sheets. you were already breathless from his big hands roaming your skin, his hot breath and lips on your neck. you squirmed underneath him, his lips working harshly on your neck, creating marks and bruises.

“can’t keep still for me, can you, baby?” he breaths out, his fingers squeezing your waist. all you can respond with is a little desperate noise, causing his lips to quirk.

he makes quirk work of your clothes, the humidity making you already sweat. he’s gonna lick it. and you’re gonna like it. yeah, you will, you goddamn dirty freak. me too honestly.

you cant help the moan that leaves you when his palms drag from your shoulders to your hip bones, his fingers hooking into your panties. when he sees your desperate eyes, he pulls them down slowly. you both knew this would happen. it’s new years, and what better way to start the year than you both desperately fucking each other literally into next year? orgasming again and again, with one of the first thing you hear in the next year being his pretty moans?

once your bare, he lets out a moan that honestly exceeds the limit of possible decibels. insane, i know. but you’re hot. and sam totally knows. you’re completely naked, your face desperate and your jaw slack as you wait for him to fill you up with his thick girth. he stretches you horizontally almost as much as vertically. instead, your lover is pushed to the side my strong biceps.

it’s leon kennedy. from resident evil. god damn put those juicy biceps around my neck.

he makes quick work of his belt and leather armour. it’s the hottest goddamn thing you’ve ever seen. almost as hot as tom blyth in billy the kid saying ‘then let’s fight with our fucking fists’ as he takes his belt off in record time. so sexy.

he’s naked before you know it. his long and angry erection is pressed between your stomach and his.

“Fuck, gonna pound you into the new year, mom i’d like to fuck.”

who the fuck says the full abbreviation during sex?? you think. or the full abbreviation??? or that for any instance???? you don’t know, it’s weird. you let him, however, your pussy leaking onto the sheets.

But Sams strong arms are pushing leon before he can penetrate you.

“Get off my sugar cookie!” he exclaims in that sexy, rough yelling voice he has.

he grabs that demon blade, slicing your attackers penis off with one clean cut. it’s stomped on by the buffalo stampede that killed Mufasa.

quick.

“I’m your dom. We signed the contract remember? I i’m don’t make love. I frick, hard.” Christian grey???? ew get tf out.

“EUGH!!!!!!!!!!! GTFU MANGY BITCH!!!!!!”

He cries. You’re triumphant; downing shots like you’re getting paid double for it, like damn will make you cum double the amount of times. that nana GOOD at making you cum. i know.

he’s off you now, ashamed. leon kennedys whimpering in the corner. Get back to being sexy; notherfucker hellloooooo?!?!?!?!!? anyhow, you wanna save leon’s toned abs and girthy cock for later. sams just come back from a hunt, which means sweat.mm

Soon enough you’ve got him on his back. licking with your tongue all his sweat and the sweet taste of your body. He could play in a goddamn rubbish bin and kids ball pit and still be lovely.

Leon laid on the concrete by the rickety bed, his fragile limbs broken.

“Wait— wait! my cocks eleven inches!”

“That won’t even fit. Break it in half and give it to me twice.”

He whimpers, like a scared infant animal retreating

to its cage.

[jodilin65]

MONDAY, APRIL 30, 2012 Right now I feel like my body has been used as somebody’s punching bag. My diaphragm muscles are sore as hell from all the sneezing I did thanks to my last allergy attack. I gotta wonder how they can get so sore with the hundreds of ab crunches I do nearly every day! I also feel like a giant water balloon being a week away from my period.

Because it only cost a few bucks, Tom grabbed a new float for the cooler and is replacing the old one. So maybe the thing will stop leaking in the mornings like it has been. But this way he can let Jesse know when he pays the rent that he replaced it, along with the valve in back, and hopefully that’ll keep him from coming down here.

We went a record 4 weekends in a row with no barking, in case I haven’t already said so.

We were discussing the pros and cons of owning versus renting. I do miss being our own boss of the place and us being the ones to have the say in what happens when (unless it’s an emergency) and not having to ask permission like children to do this or to do that. I definitely miss that much. Tom loves to tinker with things and to build things too, so he kind of misses doing more of that.

But what we don’t miss is having to pay for whatever breaks. Especially if it costs more than just a few dollars like a hot water tank does.

I was surprised to see so many 3-bed, 2-bath houses in decent enough condition selling for just 85K with monthly payments between $450 - $650. But the problem is the down payment. One wanted 16K and that may take us another year or two of staying here to come up with, assuming he didn’t get laid off and nothing else came up to throw a curveball at us which, in the end, could end up causing us to stay here longer quite unnecessarily. We could end up wishing we’d gotten the hell out when we first had the chance and just rented a place in an adult community.

That’s another thing; these houses we looked at online are in the mainstream. It’s weird, but true that rentals in adult communities are cheaper while the houses sell for more there.

Tom just said that statement was wrong and that we couldn’t literally end up staying for nothing. If we stayed longer (though right now I highly doubt we will), we’d only have even more money to move with, and anything that could come up unexpectedly here vs. an adult community rental would be easier on us here because it’s cheaper here. Our rent is $825 and all we have to pay for is propane (about $800 a year). A rental in an adult community would probably be another $100 in rent, plus a couple hundred for electricity.

It’s something we’re going to have to investigate further and ask ourselves if being put out another year or two is worth the lower payments in the end and having a place that we’re the boss of.

I’d be worried as hell about the neighbors, though, if we were back in an anything-goes neighborhood. I’ve had too many bad neighbors for too many years not to know that God above would be sure to pick out the absolute worst neighbors possible for us. I would normally choose financial savings over noise, but if that noise is anything like it was in Phoenix, I would rather pay more for some peace. But we couldn’t possibly know how bad it may be till we got there, and it’s harder to sell and move from a house than from a rental. In an adult community, I may get barking dogs and I may have to listen to car door slamming from their daily company and I may have to listen to car stereos, but there’s the potential for twice as much trouble in the mainstream. Do I really want college kids to the left, welfare bums to the right and the Brady Bunch across the street while I listen to 6 barking dogs all within a 100-foot radius of our place? Having my peace disturbed so I can’t hear myself think when I’m awake is bad enough, but to be woken up constantly is really bad.

So even if someone handed us the money right now for a down payment, we couldn’t know what we were getting into for sure till we got there. The few times I did get the luxury of being able to say, “How nice it is to finally have a good, quiet neighbor,” they would up and move and in would come trouble. Yeah, I actually had a few quiet neighbors over the last 20 years. A black guy who lived below me in the 2nd Crystal Creek apartment, and a white guy below me in the 2nd Vista Ventana studio. But it was so hard to really enjoy the peace they gave me when everyone else around them was acting like a bunch of wild animals.

We wouldn’t want to sit back and just take it if we ever again had a neighbor who was a genuine, honest-to-God problem by most people’s standards, but what happens if we lodge a city complaint against someone who isn’t white and who has the wrong connections and no one who ever questions their credibility just like in Phoenix? Then whatever they decided to do to me on account of it would be considered “justifiable retaliation” and it would be my word against theirs simply because I’m white.

I wish that just like we have adult communities they would set up neighborhoods just for college kids and just for welfare folks. Having just a mainstream and an adult community isn’t enough. It’s too black and white. But unfortunately, the large Mormon families with their incredibly loud, always-home children, and the even louder college kids and those on welfare are allowed to go anywhere. Even if that means I’m the one that has to deal with them.

But I won’t completely scratch the idea of possibly owning sometime later on down the road in life. I just don’t want to make another dumb buy. We already did that twice. Yes, it was our fault that we lost the Maricopa place and the land in Oregon. In Maricopa, we bit off more than we could chew. In Oregon, we didn’t investigate the land thoroughly enough before purchasing the parcel we purchased. If we had we’d known the mountain it was on was volcanic and damn near impossible to dig septic tanks and other shit on being as rocky as it was. There were other unforeseen expenses that arose along the way, too.

So right now I’m leaning toward getting out of here this summer as planned and into a rental in an adult community. Now if they deny us for some reason, then that could change a lot of things. So could finding a place that wanted just 5K-10K down, though I would think it would have to be a total dump in that case.

SUNDAY, APRIL 29, 2012 I swear I am a jinx to every site I use! Thoughts just couldn’t get their shit together so I left it and returned to MyOpera. This will be my main blog, once again. I hate to redirect my followers for the millionth time, but I just couldn’t deal with the glitches anymore on Thoughts. MO has its share of glitches at times too, but I don’t remember it ever being as bad or as often as Thoughts. It’s been nearly two weeks now that Thoughts has been running as slow as the dial-up ages. No thanks!

This blog doesn’t have a geo tracker of any kind at the moment. I wish it did, but MO won’t allow for that, so unless they either change their policy or re-partner with another tracking service, I can only guess who’s coming around who’s not registered. It has an internal tracker, but that’s it. If people want to leave any comments but aren’t registered yet still want me to know who they are, they’ll have to write in their name.

This blog has a handy archive and a blog search feature that actually works. Just type in any name or keyword or whatever, and if it’s in my blogs, it should find it. I’m not going to bother with tagging entries for now.

Ask was slightly glitchy when Andy and I signed up a few days ago, but sure enough, it’s got more problems now that we’re there. It functions ok but the background pictures aren’t showing up.

I’ve still got a lot of work to do on my blog. I’ve had it for a couple of years now but have accumulated tons of files that need to be deleted since MO has limited space usage. I was at 11% and now I’m down to 7%. For some reason, MO stores every picture you post in a giant file directory and it remains there even if you delete the posts. Well, I’ve deleted nearly 1000 posts since I first signed up there! Unfortunately, I have to go through and delete them one by one because I can’t seem to wipe out the root directory altogether.;(

It won’t let me change to my new email address either. As I said, this site isn’t perfect, but it’s better than Thoughts.

Ok, back to tweaking settings and seeing if this post will successfully auto-send to Twitter and Facebook, where I’m sharing more with the public now that my stalker has backed off.

Today’s Christiane’s birthday.

Later…

Still can’t figure out who’s been referring to me as “pretty lady” on the Q&A site. There were no pictures of me there before I recently posted a link to one of my photo albums, so that makes me wonder if it’s someone I know. Why would a random person refer to someone they’ve never seen at least a picture of as “pretty lady?”

Anyway, I’m now down to filling up just 4% space on MO as I continue deleting old stuff from the root directory.

A part of me wishes I could go and interview 4 or 5 people in whatever neighborhood we end up in to get their opinion on the area, but then I’d be just as bad as others who make unsolicited house visits.

SATURDAY, APRIL 28, 2012 The movie I saw the other night had a rat in it. Its name was Romeo. I think I just may name my next rat that if it’s a male. It made me a bit sad because I miss my rat.

Meanwhile, I have a temporary pet, LOL. Yeah, the adventures of living in the woods of the country never cease to exist. This cute little froggy decided to visit me in my bathroom at 2am. Scared the shit out of me at first because when I realized something was sitting on top of the can of crotch deodorizer, I thought it was a bee until I threw my glasses on.

It seemed rather brave and calm so I shot some pictures of it, though most aren’t very good. Then I trapped it with a beer mug I won a while back and almost squashed the poor little guy to death while I was at it. I know I’m going to have to let him go soon, though. I put a little water in the cup for him but I don’t exactly have the type of food he’d be interested in eating.

I didn’t realize they were this small unless it’s a baby. It’s not much bigger than the pet frogs we bought in Arizona, though those were aquatic. It hasn’t ribbeted yet and these things sure can be loud. They’re about as loud as the dogs, but for some reason, the sound of them never bothered me.

Later…

We turned the frog loose at first light this morning, so he’s back in the woods with his buddies.

Tom tried out his new $25 weed whacker. It seems to work just fine. He did the area surrounding the trailer to help keep ants away. We figure we’re gonna need the thing no matter where we live. I’m pretty sure that if we’re lucky enough to get into that adult community ground maintenance isn’t one of the amenities. I just hope we get in! Yes, the barking will probably be just as bad, and yes, we’ll probably be back with the car stereos, but at least it will be in a real house that isn’t an antique and won’t include the welfare bums, college kids, and large Mormon families with a kid at every age between 1 and 15.

Other than grocery shopping and getting $35 for the many cans Tom brought to the recycling place, it’s been a relaxing day for us. I slept most of it, but all I’m doing is laundry today. I’m not working out or cleaning anything. I’m just doing my hobbies and putting back on the 3 pounds I lost during the week, as usual. But I’m content and enjoying myself. :)

Although I slept 9 hours I slept horribly because I kept waking up for no apparent reason at all. Maybe that’s why I needed to sleep 9 hours instead of the usual 7-8. The first time I woke up it took me a while to get back to sleep.

If the dogs remain as quiet as they did last night, then this will be a record-breaking 4 weekends in a row that I didn’t have to have the sound machines on for 6-8 hours to drown them out.

Tom’s lungs are better now that he’s relaxed. The worst-case scenario is he’ll get an over-the-counter inhaler if he has to. That’s all a doctor would tell him to do anyway, though it hasn’t been that big a deal as of yet. Besides, so many of these doctors don’t have a clue what the hell they’re talking about anyway. Seriously, we’ve done just as good if not a better job of figuring out any minor problems we’ve had and what to do about them just by online research that mostly consists of forum discussions where people share their experiences.

I laughed when I read this lady said her doctor doubted fish oil caused her to have heavier periods and before they were due. There’s no doubt in my mind that that’s what screwed up my own cycle, which has been fine since I stopped the fish oil, and that it’s also what made Tom’s gums bleed. We threw the rest of the bottle away.

I also laughed when another doctor tried to tell someone else certain cramps brought on by running were from PMS. Let me guess… the doctor was a male, right?

Unless we’re seriously sick or in big-time pain and can’t figure it out for ourselves, we won’t be bothering with doctors, insured or not. I know it could be dangerous, especially for a woman, not to have regular check-ups, but hey, a meteorite could also come crashing down on us right now, too. I’ll take my chances. :)

So how did we get so well stocked in the Kleenex department? We have enough Kleenex to wipe every snot in the country!

FRIDAY, APRIL 27, 2012 Ask may be alive and kicking, but I’m really going to end up hating the hell out of Thoughts if they don’t get their shit together real damn soon. If it’s been so sluggish for this long, though, obviously they don’t mind or have any intentions of doing anything about the problem, so as soon as my tracking subscription expires, I will probably stick with MyOpera. Then again, I don’t know that I’m curious enough about my visitors to be that patient. I may leave Thoughts sooner. I’m getting really, really fed up. It’s impossible to enjoy the site at all!

If I stick with MO and turn it public again, I won’t want only cat pictures, so I would return to KB to create “cat copies” for Maliheh. The one I never seem to hear from anymore. I hope she’s just busy and that nothing’s wrong. If there is I hope she’ll tell me. Just because I may not be able to help doesn’t mean I’m not a good listener. :) It’s kind of obvious, though, that she planned this all along. I knew her promising to keep in touch was bullshit and that she would continue to go longer and longer between messages. Eventually, I won’t hear from her for a year. Then 2, then 3, then never.

Got a 5-minute engine-gunning spree from Jesse late yesterday afternoon and a few barks today. I really hope we get lucky enough to have 4 quiet weekend nights in a row! I’ll know how it’ll be tonight in 2-3 hours cuz he usually takes off between 7:30 - 8:30 if he’s gonna be gone all night.

I really hope some of the houses we looked at online aren’t just a dream! I’m really, really sick of this tiny old trailer no matter what you can or can’t hear in it. We totally deserve better than this!

Tom’s asthma has been bothering him due to how physical his job can be. It’s a different type of asthma than what I had. He never smoked and neither did his parents. So he doesn’t have the wheezing and tightness I’d get when I used to smoke and lived down in the desert. My lungs didn’t totally improve till I left Arizona. I swear I will never step foot in that state ever again even just to visit! But the only time I had any real problems since leaving it was when we moved into a duplex that had just laid down new carpet. It was a little scary the way I wheezed my ass off because I had long since abandoned any inhalers. Tom describes the feeling as being achy. Andy said sticking his face in a freezer would help, but he feels this pain all the time. He can’t stand with his face inside a freezer 24/7.

Later…

Thoughts has shown absolutely no desire whatsoever to fix the site issues it’s had for over a week now, and therefore I won’t be reading other people’s blogs and commenting on them. I’m sorry but all I can stand to do is just post my own entries and that’s it. I haven’t even changed backgrounds in a while. Just didn’t want my friends to think I was ignoring them because I’m not. I’m just so sick of this shit that I’m within inches of leaving that site altogether. This is why I left a couple of years ago – too much change, too many glitches. I have met a few nice people who are regular followers and so I will be sure to leave a link to wherever I go if I do end up leaving.

I’m amazed at just how much more active Ask is than Formspring was before a virus attacked it. Can’t have animated backgrounds there, but it’s cool to see all the questions and comments I get from both friends as well as anonymously. I still wonder who in the world my anonymous askers are. Alison said she never referred to me as “pretty lady” and I agree it doesn’t sound at all like anything she would say. It’s probably just some random guy. I don’t get the sense that I know the other anonymous people.

I’m glad Aly joined. I knew she would. Too bad Nane didn’t join. I knew she wouldn’t.

THURSDAY, APRIL 26, 2012 Didn’t think I’d hear from Nane today but she was kind enough to say goodnight. I had to tease her a bit too, of course.

So Alison was one of my anonymous questioners, LOL. I was just thinking it was Eileen or Jessica but most likely Paul when she gave me obvious enough clues, then fessed up on Twitter. It was still loads of fun, though. But who are my other anonymous interviewers?

Although chilly and wet, life is going well. Tom may not have the greatest job and he may never be a permanent employee and we may never be insured but life is otherwise wonderful. We’re healthy, saving tons of money, and looking way forward to moving.

But I am a natural worrywart so don’t be fooled into thinking I’m down or stressing in any way when I express concerns at times about things falling apart. I worry about that no matter what’s going on in our lives cuz that’s just how I am. But it’s true, I worry he’ll be laid off (though that much seems unlikely) and that it’ll take forever to find another job and our savings will be drained in a few months because of it and we’ll be back in the poorhouse. Could something up there hate us that much to let that happen? You bet! But I’m going to hope to hell it doesn’t.

Other than when Jesse came ATVing down here yesterday it’s been dead quiet for 3 days now. No barks, vehicles, saws… nothing.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 25, 2012 Can’t sleep. Too much on my mind – the present, the future. The last thing I want is for Tom to be miserable in any way and so I worry the conditions at work will become just horrible for him. But at the same time, the thought of staying in this damn trailer another year or two to save enough money to get out of this damn state altogether makes my stomach turn. Most of our time in this state has sucked and I still regret coming here. Even so, we should just move as soon as we can and then if things don’t get better at work he can look for another job. He may still be older and white, but the economy is better now, so it shouldn’t take months for him to get something else if it got that bad.

I realize now more than ever that true security for us is just a dream whether we’re poor at the moment or we’re not. I want to just find the ideal rental and stay there for the rest of our lives! Or at least till he retires. Moving around was fun and adventurous for a while, but I’ve been moving every few months to every few years since I was 19 and I’m sick of it. It’s just that I had figured we’d stay in Cali at least till he retires and then head out of state when getting a job would no longer be an issue and we could get into a retirement community right away. Even if we had the 15K or so I’d feel comfortable moving with, it could take months for him to get a job in the new state and just about any decent adult community would probably want him to have a job for about a year before they rented to us. Then again we’ve gotten other rentals on jobs he’s had for just a few months, but a dumpy old rental in the mainstream of a small town is different than a decent rental in an adult community. They’re pickier.

I’ve known for about 5 years now that we’re not meant to have money. At my age, you have a good sense of what is and isn’t meant to be. Serious money isn’t one of them. So now that I know that just like God saw to it that Tom lost most of his pension, he’ll make sure my mother either drains her funds when her time comes on medical expenses or that my sister gets it all. More than likely, even if there’s no real cash on hand at the time, my sister will sell the condo, store and vehicles and keep the cash for herself. Sorry, but we’re all naturally selfish and I would do the same if I were the one in charge of things. But the point is that now that I know we’re not going to get anything inheritance-wise, that’s all the more reason we need to really watch our asses and not take any foolish risks. My mom’s not always going to be around to bail us out if we get in a jam again and I also don’t want to depend on anyone as a safety net. But who else would care enough to help us? Really, I wonder about this at times. If we were suddenly starving in the streets, whom do we know besides Tammy, Aly and Eileen that would give us a place to stay and food to eat till we got back on our feet again? It’s a scary question and I don’t know that I want to know the answer. On the other hand, I would still probably want to kill myself not just because of how miserable I’d be, but because I don’t like to put people out whether they want to help us or not. So I would off myself for their sake as well as mine. I just hope I’m never ever in that kind of a situation to actually learn who would do what for sure. We were scarily close enough last fall.

It may be foolish, as Andy, who I really REALLY wish would stop making me feel like he’s implying I’m a liar like he sometimes does by contradicting or arguing a fact that I’ll tell him about Tom or myself, said in regards to worrying about when we get old, but I can’t help it. I do worry that we’re gonna get fucked out of our retirement money. I do worry they’ll do away with Medicare. I do worry we’ll get to the point where we have no one to help us with the important things.

sighs There’s being smart and then there’s being miserable and sometimes being smart makes you miserable. Meaning that it would be smart to rent a cheap little apartment and stay there for the rest of our lives. But I would be totally miserable. Living attached to others simply isn’t for me. I wish to hell I could snap my fingers and make myself like the idea of an apartment. I’d move into one in a heartbeat if I could only make myself stand the noise! There we would never have to worry about taking care of the grounds and of course things would be fixed for us when they broke. But I wouldn’t get much sleep either or much peace when I was awake, so what would be the point?

Oh well. I am who I am. I also worry about Tom. I don’t want him to be miserable himself but I don’t want to stick around here longer than necessary or venture too far away too soon. I’d want to have way more money than we could need but that would mean sticking around here longer than necessary and I’m not sure a tropical climate would be right for us. I’m curious about it, yes, and I’d like to try it. I miss the beach and Florida’s beaches are much prettier than New England’s, IMO. But there are hurricane risks and immense humidity, and I’ve also heard that allergies are a real nightmare there. So I don’t know what to do or how much of a choice we’ll even have in the first place.

Later…

So I’ve had life’s usual doubts and worries on my mind. But as Tom pointed out, he could always get another job if things get that bad at his current job and it’s looking like that’s what he’ll end up doing because it’s looking more and more like they lied to him about being hired on. I think the poor guy’s destined to be forever a temp! When they told him he got the job he applied for we thought they’d make it official within a week or two, but here he is, still a temp, WTF??? sighs I’m just sick of losing and being lied to. This job looked so promising in so many ways. BUT…it is good pay, it’s better than nothing, and our savings is climbing fast. We should have way more than we need to move with. We were checking out rentals on Craigslist and he saw an ad for what seemed like a really good job, but he needs to update his résumé first. He said he’ll do that this weekend.

We saw an ad for a 1000-sq-ft, 2-bedroom, 2-bath house in a gated adult community with pools, tennis courts and other amenities for $950. That’s only $125 more than this tiny trailer that includes nothing but a noisy, pest of a landlord. The only thing I’ll miss here is not having anyone able to drive by or live so damn close to us. Tom thinks that an adult community may have as many loud car stereos as the mainstream because those entering these places these days were more from the time when they first hit the scene (I always did say each generation gets louder and less considerate), and therefore the rules there as far as noise goes may differ from the type of retirement community my mom’s in.

I see his point, but I sure hope not! Wouldn’t that defeat the whole purpose of having an adult community in the first place? I guess to some people the idea is just to live with people their own age and not to seek out a quieter place. But even if there were just as many car stereos, I still find it awfully hard to believe they’d be allowed to leave their dogs outside round the clock like used old furniture. I would think they’d need to be brought indoors as household pets only. But we do live in an area where most people think it’s wrong to bring dogs indoors, so we’ll see. Worst case scenario I can at least have peace of mind in knowing that the Brady Bunch isn’t going to move in next to us, and neither will half a dozen college kids.

1000 square feet would be about as low as I’d like to go space-wise, and would actually be pretty ideal for us. It would give us enough space but not be too much to heat and cool.

We were reminiscing and laughing our asses off at some of the fun and funny experiences we’ve had in the various states we’ve lived in. It was a perfect reminder that life wasn’t all bad for us and I’m sure we’ll have more fun times in the future. I’m trying to get in the habit of thinking good thoughts after I worry about something negative. Every time I think of something that’s bad or an annoyance in our life or that we’re lacking, I try to think of things that make me laugh and smile.

Ask was loads of fun today, though I can’t figure out for the life of me who asked me some of the anonymous questions I was asked today. Every time I thought I had it figured out, I was back to guessing and wondering. I love these games, LOL. They’re fun and interesting and I love a good mystery, but I’m also curious. There are so many people it could be – Nane, Maliheh and any number of my Facebook friends. They’re the only ones that know about my account there.

The question about the ukulele made me think of Maliheh. The “What is up pretty lady?” made me think of Nane, but that would also be something that might come from Paul or Adonis. The questions about whether I like beer and ever tried yoga could be anyone. They last said they were hurt I hadn’t guessed who they were but never identified themselves. Other “suspects” include Alison, Lori, Cindy, Becky and Dorene. I tried to study writing styles, but they could change that to throw me off their scent. I asked Lori if it were her and she said she’d never heard of the site before. Oh well. Maybe I’ll find out tomorrow.

As for Medicare, Tom explained to me why there’s no need to worry about it running out (some new article he read) when we’re old enough for it, but I forgot what he said, LOL. Fewer people are having kids and the change in the population density is a big part of what’s messed it up. But it recently took in something like 9 billion more dollars than it put out, so that’s good.

At around 5pm this afternoon, just when I was thinking how utterly amazing it was that I hadn’t heard Jesse or his mutts in two days, he came buzzing down on the ATV. But not to bug us with anything; he just wanted to get something from his shit pile. It was so nice for a while there not hearing him. I hadn’t heard one single sound. Obviously, he and his mutts haven’t been around. If he were around I’d hear him. If he weren’t around but the dogs were, I’d hear them. But oh what peace of mind comes with knowing we shouldn’t be here much longer! I giggled to myself thinking how bummed out he’d be if he knew we were looking at rentals that very moment.

It rained on and off today, though it was nothing serious. Still, it was like waking up to a whole different season at 11am today. Where it had been warm and sunny, it was cool and cloudy. It’s supposed to be even cooler tomorrow, and after not needing any heat for days, we’re certainly going to need it tonight. Then the heat will return. :)

TUESDAY, APRIL 24, 2012 Been up for hours yet still haven’t gotten an entry in yet. That’s because I was working out and then got into a discussion with Nane via email and then Andy and I goofed off at our newest playground.

Andy and I mostly use Ask to keep in touch and share graphics. We change background pictures constantly. We have a lot of private jokes and shit that most people wouldn’t get, LOL. I’m going to try talking Nane into joining. We’d both love it if she did and Andy promised to let her get used to him slowly even if she’s already used to my crazy weirdness. She already asked me a question and says she’ll check into it, so I’d say her interest is piqued at least a little. :)

We’re getting a little concerned about Tom’s job. Not that they’re going to lay him off or anything like that, but because they’ve been stringing him along about being hired on, and ever since they moved him to a different department, the job’s been a nightmare.

When they told him he got the job he applied for, we assumed he would be officially hired within a week or two of being notified. But here he is, still technically a temp, and being told by the supervisor that he’s “pushing” to get him hired on, WTF???

To make matters worse, there’s some kid in the department he’s in now that only shows up when he feels like it and so Tom has to do all his heavy lifting and is getting yelled at for this other cock’s work not being done at certain times. Finally, he went to the supervisor about it who “said” he’d do something about it, but we’ll see.

As I told Tom, the last thing I want is for him to be miserable in any way, so if we have to stay here a little longer to save up even more to move out of this damn state, we will. The easiest thing would be to hope things get better for him and they put their actions where their mouths are and hire him on, then move this summer closer to where he works. We’re never going to get a 401K going if all he can be for the rest of his life is a temp.

But where would we go if we left this state? Well, I don’t think I’d ever want to live in any kind of a desert ever again and have to deal with the incredibly dry skin and lips that go with years of living in such acrid conditions, though it’d be better than this place, I suppose. I still like the idea of going tropical, though neither of us would care for the humidity, Florida’s job market may be just as bad, and I will NOT move with just a few grand or less after the disaster we went through moving to Oregon and then here.

Anyway, Nane told me a secret that I promised never to reveal. I’m big on keeping promises too, so no matter how much she may piss me off in the future, my lips are sealed. She said that when she knew Irene in NY, she was never skinny but had a positive vibrancy about her and they were good friends. But now she looks like a beached whale. She made me promise not to tell her that because she doesn’t want to hurt her feelings. She said she doesn’t usually like to talk about others behind their backs but this was an exception. Anyway, she went down to Salzburg a few years ago to visit her. Irene picked her up at the train station looking a little dumpy, but she didn’t mind. Then they went back to her apartment and talked and then her BF came over, whom she thought was a real nerd. Then they decided to go out that night and Nane was shocked that Irene was willing to go out in the same spotted sweatshirt she’d worn all day. So they go to a few bars which they had to leave cuz the BF complained it was too smoky. Finally, they find an Irish pub they all liked and the BF announces that they’ll leave at 10:30. So not only was Nane a bit bummed out she couldn’t spend at least the first night alone with Irene catching up on old times but that they had to pack it in so early on a Saturday night.

She said Christiane is a very outgoing person with lots of charisma, and although she’s a few years older, she gets hit on all the time. They used to visit each other every few months but since they both got BFs, not as much. She says Leipzig is a “great place to party” unlike Munich, which is snobby. She said she only moved to Munich because her family had moved down there while she was in NY. I guess she’s originally from Frankfurt. It’s funny hearing one in their 50s talk of partying. There’s nothing wrong with it, but when I think of partygoers, I think of those in their 20s and 30s. Again, she would make such a horrible GF, LOL.

I won a bottle of nail polish on Facebook, but am not at all impressed with the color of it which reminds me of kidney beans. I’ll leave it here for Jesse. :)

MONDAY, APRIL 23, 2012 I see Thoughts is still running in slow motion. After a week of this shit, I guess it’s safe to assume it isn’t going to end anytime soon. It’s a shame some sites just can’t get their shit together while most other sites seem to have no problem keeping things running smoothly. Oh well. If I get that fed up with moving like a snail I can always stick to just MyOpera.

I was laughing when I saw that we were nearly 50° warmer than Nane at 6pm our time yesterday. I’m surprised I haven’t heard from Nane yet today, though not too surprised. She’s usually on more at night from home than in the daytime from work.

What does surprise me was that last weekend was the third weekend in a row that the dogs didn’t go ballistic for 8-10 hours at night. Jesse either stayed in or had someone there keeping them quiet.

Like I do every single weekend, I ate back on the weight I lost during the week. Obviously, my weight and appearance can’t matter that much to me since I keep doing this over and over, LOL. I think most of us become less picky about appearance with age.

Had a nice chat on FB with Adonis. He really is a cool guy.

Later…

I’m giving Thoughts exactly one week to get back up to full speed. If it’s not there come next Monday, I’ll just return to MyOpera. I’m actually updating that blog again; only it’s ‘friends only’ and I’m heading all the entries with cat pics for Maliheh who likes cats.

Working out has given me stamina but not energy lately. Meaning, I have the stamina to walk long distances if I suddenly had to but am lacking in energy on an overall basis. Maybe that’s because my weight’s up a bit. IDK, I just have one of those bodies that no matter how much you diet and exercise it, it never loses more than a few pounds. It gets strong and fit, but never thin. It annoys me, though, when I feel sluggish for seemingly no reason at all. I suppose caffeine would help, but too much caffeine makes my boobs sore, especially when I’m close to my period, and it also makes it harder for me to fall asleep. I usually have a hard enough time as it is in that department.

I also seem to be bored more often despite the fact that there’s plenty to do and I still keep busy. I did some paid surveys earlier but am caught up on the house cleaning and laundry for now. Wish I could motivate myself to work on my book a little more, but I’ve been lacking ambition in that area for a few months now. I think Renting Ginny was it for me but since no one wants to pay for their reading material these days (including me) I don’t currently have any plans to publish it. Now the only question is whether or not to pull my other two books off the market or just let them sit there.

As they say, we can waste our time looking for what isn’t meant to be or we can focus our energies on what is meant to be. If that’s taking care of the place, getting paid to do surveys, and enjoying a few hobbies, then I can’t complain too much. I suppose a lot of people would gladly swap shoes with me even if I’m not “allowed” to generate much money. But am I still allowed to win it? We’ll find out once we move!

The dogs were making up for lost barking time. The Jes pest left at around 11:00 and I thought that given the time of day and year, they’d shut up shortly after he left, but they didn’t. I know one thing for sure and that’s that the more I learn about Jesse, the more I dislike the guy. His almost losing the place goes beyond being rude and inconsiderate to us by allowing his dogs to carry on while he’s out and not calling before coming down. He literally and foolishly risked his well-being AND ours when he was behind when all he had to do was sell the damn Harley. That would’ve solved his problems right there, but no, the little boy just couldn’t part with his toy. And because of it, we could’ve been forced to end it the same as we almost had to on account of our lovely government. Only I’d have gone out less than peacefully if I knew for sure that he could’ve prevented it.

I’m just as sick of this place as I am of him. The lack of space, outlets, oldness, ugliness, etc. But can we really rent something newer and nicer? Or is that just a dream? The ads we saw suggest it isn’t, but if there are any hidden catches we probably won’t know about it till we actually start looking and that probably won’t be till late June to early July.

Sometimes I wonder why I have such conflicting emotions about myself and my life. Am I just some kind of nut or something, LOL, or does everyone have such back-and-forth views of themselves and their lives? I know I’m looking good for a woman my age yet I feel so fat and ugly at the same time. I know I’m not dumb yet I feel dumb at times. I feel both blessed and cursed. I am fit and healthy yet disfigured (my left ear) and not at all “normal” on account of my sleep disorder. I have ideas yet lack ambition. I have many things, both material and not, yet feel empty and like I’m lacking something I can’t even figure out.

I may not be rich and I may not live in the perfect place, but I have almost everything a person could ask for in life. I have someone that loves me unconditionally. I have good friends. I have good health. I have food to eat. I have a roof over my head. I am not blind, paralyzed, or anything like that despite the conditions and shortcomings I do have. I have things I enjoy doing. I am able to learn just about anything given the proper tools and desire. Yet sometimes I still feel like I’m missing out on something in life, and I don’t know if it’s just one thing or multiple things. If I knew what the hell it was in the first place, then perhaps I could count them. I still feel “different” and even “abnormal” in some ways that go beyond special, unique or eccentric.

Andy suggested I meet friends in my area. Great idea, but not that easy. I suppose it’s different for different people but I was never one that could just “make” certain things happen just because I may want them to. They either happen when they’re meant to happen if they’re meant to happen, or they don’t happen at all. I couldn’t make love come any sooner than it did. I didn’t make myself fall for Teddy Bear and Nane. I don’t make myself attracted to or not attracted to various kinds of looks, music, tastes and colors. And just like I could never control when and if love, lust and whatever would happen, I can’t just wake up one day and decide to make a damn good friend here in town. When I meet people (mostly online these days), they are where they happen to be and so far they haven’t come any closer than Nebraska. Most are between 3000-6000 miles.

I will admit I liked the idea of having foreign friends with me being into different languages and all that. Nane and I never would’ve met had I not been a member of Live Mocha. I will also admit that for years I was glad that none of my friends were local because I prefer to keep in touch with people online and didn’t want people coming to our door whenever they happen to feel like it. We get enough of that shit from our landlord. If it were an emergency, that’d be one thing, but I simply haven’t had any desire to meet people in person. The idea doesn’t scare me; it just doesn’t interest me. Because I don’t have an outside job, I only interact with people when I’m out doing errands or eating out somewhere anyway.

I’ve never in my life been a people person in general, and I’ve never liked the idea of potential trouble so close to home even though I know I could just not have anything to do with someone I may end up disliking. But sometimes I do think it would be nice to have a close friend nearby. One who wasn’t crazy or a pest of any kind and who only called when they wanted something. As a bonus, it would be a woman I was attracted to. But this is something that’s in fate’s hands. Intentionally trying to seek out a local friend won’t get me anywhere any more than trying to find love or just sex like I used to in the 90s got me anywhere. Hell, I can’t even find objects around here when I actually try to find them, LOL. I only come across them by accident when I’m looking for something else I can’t find. So there’s no way I’m going to actively try to seek out this lady friend who, even if she’s an ugly dog, isn’t crazy or pesky in any real way. Should we happen to accidentally meet like most of my other friends, fine. And in an adult community, we might do just that. You never know.

On the other hand, maybe it’s not that I’m missing anything at all. Maybe I just need to readjust and redefine some of what I’ve already got. I don’t know for sure. I have a lot of unanswered questions. Like why the hell a 120-calorie yogurt with a cup of coffee puts a pound on me? Seriously, I could literally maintain my weight on just coffee alone!

OMG, it’s already after 5pm! Where did all the time go? Tom should be home any sec now.

Later…

Andy left Thoughts due to the glitches. I don’t know if it’s caused by BOTS or incompetent Thought staff site workers. I just know it’s annoying as hell. But I put up with it because I like the site despite its sluggishness, met some nice people, and have already given the new link out to others. I’d hate to have to redirect them yet again, though more than likely I’d just bounce back to my old MyOpera blog and set that to public. MyOpera has the same security levels per post as Thoughts so I could still write about private things and keep them private if I wanted to.

I don’t think Thoughts really appealed all that much to Andy in the first place. That’s why he not only joined Ask but so did I. I had an account there way back when but then I deactivated it. I like it better than Formspring except for one small thing and that’s that it won’t let me use animated pictures for backgrounds.

I gave the link to Maliheh, Nane, Christiane, Adonis, and also posted it on my Facebook wall.

SUNDAY, APRIL 22, 2012 Well, this is gonna be sort of a nothing entry because there’s nothing really new to update on.

Let’s see…it almost hit 90° here yesterday. It will be in the 80s today, 70s the next two days, then the 60s and then the 50s as the rains make it back in to silence Jesse. Like I said, if it weren’t for propane costs I’d be fine with it raining every day that we’re still here. It’s the only thing that keeps him away and quiet. I’m still going to have to listen to that insanely loud truck soon enough, though, no matter what the weather.

Andy and I were wondering how he came up with the money to catch up on payments, and Tom reminded me that he was trying to get on disability due to his bad back. It’s a shame he can’t weed on account of his back but can still build engines and do other loud shit. But more than likely, he received a decent-sized check with back payments going back to when he applied. Still, it was a helluva stupid risk to take by not simply getting rid of the Harley. He risked his own well-being and ours unnecessarily cuz he just couldn’t part with his precious toy. Or any of his other vehicles.

Thoughts is finally running snappier and I hope it stays that way! It was so frustrating when it was running like a snail for the last several days. Reminded me of the old dial-up connection we had about 13 years ago.

I was pleasantly surprised with a message from Nane, letting me know she’s got the Internet hooked up again. She doesn’t usually contact me on weekends unless it’s Sunday night her time and Jim has left because he had the early shift the next day. She said they were on their way to see a movie and would probably talk to me tomorrow. Well, I’ll be asleep while she’s at work, but should catch her at home.

Nane didn’t shut down her LiveMocha account after all. She just had me blocked for a while after I pulled the “Turkish prank.”

I awoke from a nightmare at 3am last night. I was propped up in bed reading in what looked like a real house. It seemed nice enough, spacious enough, and like it may’ve been some sort of a ranch-style house. The bedroom I was reading in was in back of the house. I heard a door click shut somewhere within the house and called out to Tom. But Tom didn’t answer. So I got up and walked down a hallway and into the living room. The front door was to my right and the kitchen and other rooms were to my left. I heard and saw no one. Then I looked at the clock which said 2:30. Realizing that whoever was in the house couldn’t be Tom since he wouldn’t be off work that early, I woke up as I was debating whether or not to go in search of whoever was in the house or run outside since I had no way of knowing if they had a gun or anything like that.

It’s a beautiful sunny, warm day out there today. Other than hearing Jesse leave on the motorcycle once, it’s been very quiet. He was saying how much he too, hates the city and couldn’t stand it. Then he goes on to say how quiet it is here and all that, and I’m thinking to myself, well, of course it’s quiet to you. You’re the one making 99.9% of the racket around here, you can’t hear your own mutts bark when you’re gone, so of course it’s quite as far as you’re concerned.

SATURDAY, APRIL 21, 2012 Yesterday was a long, frustrating day, but things could be worse than having to be annoyed and inconvenienced. Tom was annoyed and inconvenienced by coworkers telling him to do things a certain way that was wrong, then turning around and asking why did he it wrong. Because they told him to – duh!

I was annoyed and inconvenienced by pesky Jesse who came down 4 times yesterday. The last time was at 4pm to see if the cooler was leaking. It hasn’t leaked since he adjusted things, but I’m not looking forward to next Tuesday. That’s when he’ll be waking me up when he comes down to spray weed killer at 9am. I may be up then, but I don’t think I will be. He said Monday he’s got to help a buddy so he won’t be able to do it then. It’s supposed to rain at the end of the week, so maybe he’ll put it off. He already did some spraying, but maybe the rain doesn’t affect that stuff.

Andy and I were both wondering what he did to catch up on his payments. What I wonder is why he didn’t just sell the damn Harley. He said something about taking out loans.

The only funny thing he said was that Maryann wrecked his truck. I wonder why he loaned it to her in the first place. I know she’s had a truck of her own, plus a car. Either way, it seems no one in that family can drive. First Jesse trashed his nicer, newer truck, and then she trashes his old dumpy truck. The motor he built for it was why I was hearing all that engine gunning that was so damn loud and obnoxiously annoying. He said the engine is in the shop being painted right now which explains why all I’ve heard lately is the ATV and motorcycle. Not sure why you’d want to paint an engine that’s just going to go inside a vehicle or how he got the money to build and paint it if he’s had it so rough financially, but I’ll just enjoy the peace until it’s back here and he’s coming and going 3-6 times a day in the damn thing.

Lately, I’ve been doing everything in calories instead of types of foods and time. Instead of concentrating on eating certain foods, though I do eat healthy most of the time, I just try to stick to 1300 calories a day. And instead of saying I’ll work out for a half-hour or an hour, I just try to burn 300 calories a day. It’s still a bit soon to say if it’s going to cause a significant drop in my weight over time, but one thing I do know for sure is that I could never gain this way!

Today I’m taking a break from both work and exercise. Other than just a few loads of laundry, I’m going to relax and pig out. Tom’s working half a day today so he’ll be bringing KFC on the way back.

Tom also had a bad experience with the fish oil. He doesn’t have a uterus, so obviously he couldn’t have early and fierce periods like I did, but it made his gums bleed. So the stuff was a definite waste of money and we trashed what was left.

Later on, he’s going to go up and check for any more hives in the cooler and really spray the hell out of it. Another yellow jacket made it in here yesterday that I almost stepped on. Usually, they’re in the windows, but not this one. I might also get one of those bright yellow jacket catchers you trap them in. We had one when we were in the woods of Oregon and they work well. Yellowjackets never climb downward for some reason so that’s why they’re easy to trap. They climb through the holes in the bottom of the tube.

FRIDAY, APRIL 20, 2012 So, so glad my best bud Andy joined Thoughts! It may be a little weird for him at first and take him a while to get used to, but I think he’ll agree it’s better than Formspring. He left there due to a virus on the site. I left there months ago due to tons of glitches, too much change and just not finding it much fun anymore. Then when I went to reactivate my old account it wouldn’t let me. I was going to create a new one through Facebook, but I think I’ll pass.

Thoughts is glitchy too at times and has been frustratingly slow for a few days now, but you can do so much more here than on Formspring.

Later…

Seriously starting to wonder if Jesse’s going to drive me insane-asylum-crazy before we can move with all his damn repairs, racket and whatnot. I’m so sick of nothing but old places! He’s already been down 3 times today. Even though I was wide awake, it’s usually not much fun having to deal with pesky landlords and things that need to be fixed. But that’s just the thing. There is sooo much that needs to be done around here. I’m starting to worry he’s going to be down here almost every single day that we’re still here.

A part of me is glad he came down today because he found another hive in the cooler that he apparently missed. There have definitely been a lot of bees hanging around here lately.

First he comes down, checks the cooler and decides we need a new float cuz of the water overflowing and dripping. He’s afraid it will dry up his precious well. He sprayed the other hive and said he’d be back later or tomorrow because he was tired after spraying 15 gallons of Round-Up on various parts of the land. So was I. I had worked out for an hour, scrubbed the bathroom, and done a few loads of laundry. By then I just wanted to get off my feet and relax. I’m thinking of maybe doing my workouts closer to the end of my day rather than the beginning as they’re more tiring than I realize.

No sooner had I sat down did the bastard come back wanting to know why the cooler rattles. So I had to stand there playing the on/off game for him while he investigated. I told him the rattle didn’t bother us because it’s not that loud but he’s decided it needs new bushings, whatever the fuck that means.

So off he goes again and once again I go to relax. Sure enough, back down he buzzes as soon as my ass hits the chair. There’s a white pipe that was hooked to the ditch. Well, he said it wasn’t good anymore but could use the pipe for other things, so he tied one end of a rope to the pipe and the other to the hitch on the ATV and drove it up and away. The back of it got hung up on a branch, but I freed and straightened it out for him.

Coolers, weeds, floors, painting, valves, roofs - aaarrrggghhh! I am going to be seeing so much of this pest while we’re still here. :( The days of him being heard but not seen are over. God, I hope we really do get out of here this summer! And I hope that if it isn’t any quieter wherever we go it’s bigger and newer. I am just so sick of old places and all their problems. Okay, so the electrical has been good to us. The roof hasn’t leaked. The stove and refrigerator have held up nicely. But just about everything else in this place has had a problem. The heater, the cooler, faucets, pipes, pressure tanks, and soon the roof will become a problem if he doesn’t deal with it this year like he said he’s going to. He also needs to throw some plywood underneath the floor of the kitchen where the insulation has fallen out. Ugh, it never ends! I’m glad we don’t have to pay for all these damn repairs or take the time to fix them ourselves, but we still have to deal with it to a degree, and I just miss being in newer places anyway. They’re nicer looking, IMO, and I can’t wait to have more space and an extra bathroom again! Just having a place to hook up a full-size washer and dryer that’s always ready and available will be quite a luxury after living like bums for so damn long.

Another thing he told me when we got into a discussion about how rough things were a while back is that he almost lost this place and was 6 months behind on payments. Thank God I did NOT know that on top of fearing we ourselves wouldn’t make it!!! I wondered about this, but had I known for sure just how close to the edge he was swimming as well, it just may’ve been rather unbearable.

THURSDAY, APRIL 19, 2012 This morning I was in excruciating pain. I jumped on the treadmill and started running at a comfortable 4-MPH pace. That speed is more like jogging than running and so it’s easier on the joints and easier to sustain. Once I’d been going steadily for 15 minutes, I was proud of my efforts and that my joints weren’t sore at all. Next thing I know I’ve got this sensation that feels like slight period cramps. I slowed to a 3-MPH walk, but the cramping worsened. Finally, I had to stop 100 calories short of my daily 300-burn goal. A few minutes later I was in utter agony as a result of not drinking enough water beforehand and the intestines trying to suck up water that wasn’t there. I thought I was over this kind of thing and that I drank enough before I hopped on, but apparently not. The pain seemed to last forever, though it couldn’t have been more than 15-20 minutes. Then it stopped as if by a magic switch.

I read up on the subject since the pain feels like intense period cramps like what I’d get in my teens and 20s, and most suggest it was due to not drinking sufficient fluids before and during the workout. When we sweat the body loses electrolytes, which are essential for proper organ function. Another one in the forum says: Ladies, you are not crazy and regardless of what the doctor says it’s not PMS. You are having uterine contractions. Yes, the same uterine contractions that you have during labor. This is brought on by a combination of electrolyte imbalance and strain/jarring on the uterus and the muscles around it.

This is why I’d only go to a doctor for an emergency, even if I know I should take preventative measures and go for regular check-ups because so many of them are quacks that don’t know what the hell they’re talking about. Still, I should have drunk more water beforehand. From now on I’ll really guzzle up good before workouts even if it means having to pause the routine to piss some of it off.

Jesse came down shortly after I called up to him and removed the old pads and belt from the cooler to get it ready for the upcoming heat. He’s going to be back in an hour or so to vacuum out leaves and shit and to load it up with a new belt and pads.

Sure enough, he again mentioned having to do the roof this summer and I silently prayed he’d wait till we got out of here. I let him know it hadn’t been leaking at all.

He mentioned having his nephew do the weeding and explained to him that it wasn’t that Tom had forgotten, but has been working so much OT lately. It’s 50/50 as to whether or not he’ll work this Saturday, though. Something he both wants and doesn’t want to do. We love the money but need to start getting some things done around here in order to get ready to move. As it is we have a whole car full of bags of soda cans to bring to the recycling center. We’ve got so many damn cans that they’ll probably pay the Internet bill! But since Jesse has a bad back and can’t even do his own weeding, he said not to worry about it; we don’t have to do it. So that’s nice to know even if it means the nephew may come when I’m sleeping and wake me up.

Instead of just coming out and asking when and if he was ever going to shut the fuck up, I commented about hearing all kinds of “bumps, bangs, saws and loud vehicles” lately and asked if someone was building something in back. He did acknowledge the saw fanatics up at the summit who’d been working on something (though I haven’t heard them lately), then said he built a new motor for his truck and that would’ve made a lot of racket.

Like I said, this guy’s always got something going on. It’s just one project after another with him. :(

Last night at 3am Tom said a skunk came around and that the place wreaked horribly of it and he was surprised it didn’t wake me up. It probably would have had I slept with the window open, but last night I didn’t. He sucked some of the smell out with the stove fan.

After being outside where it stinks even more, I swear I smell like a skunk now.;( Thank God for incense! I guess Whiskey got sprayed cuz when they chased the ATV down here, the first thing Jesse did was warn me not to touch the dogs, especially Whiskey. I don’t usually mind lavishing them with attention when I see them, but half the time the damn mutts are filthy in some way or another.

Later…

Even though it’s just past the middle of my day I’m pretty beat already. After running and then dealing with that horrible pain on top of everything else I’ve been doing around here, I feel more like it’s the end of my day.

Jesse returned an hour later and put the new belt and pads on the cooler. Not at all surprisingly, a wasp hive was in the corner of it and so he sprayed it and then knocked it down on the ground near where I stood. It sort of felt like wet cardboard with holes punched into it when I stepped on it. With sneakers on, of course. Since the pads are made of aspen I just love the woodsy smell in here after getting new pads. Smells like I’m in the middle of a lumber factory. Sure makes a hell of a dusty mess, though, when you first turn the cooler on. All that dusting I did yesterday and this morning was a waste, particularly the areas in line with the cooler.

He’s going to be back later on to replace a valve, even though he’s primarily a morning person. He spends the afternoons drinking, so he told me. Yeah, but he’s still outside too often and making too much of a racket whenever it’s light out and not in the 90s or raining. He does make most of his ruckus in the mornings, though. He said he gets up at 5am – 6am. sighs I wish I could crash and get up at the same time every day. I’d probably sleep from 11pm – 7am so I could be available during the daytime for anything that may come up.

Other than setting up the thermostat, the damn cooler should be set for the year, but jeez. Valves, weeding, spraying, roofing, and God knows what else he’s going to do around here before we get out of here! This heap of shit needs a paint job like flowers need water. We agreed not to tell him we’ll probably move this summer so that if he has a close friend or family member who suddenly needs the place, we won’t be rushed out of here sooner than necessary. Again, we can’t bump up Tom’s DOB. If it weren’t for that, I’d tell him to hold off the roof if possible. I almost slipped when he asked if we had a vacation planned at any point (so he could do it then) and said, “No, but we’re about 100 days or less from getting the fuck out of here, so why don’t you just wait.”

He said that at night when Whiskey was tied up a skunk came up to him and sprayed him, LOL. Yeah, and the mutt made my clothes smell of skunks too, so I changed as soon as they left.

I hear him coming back in on the Harley right now. Now he’ll go pick up his kid, then I’ll see them soon enough, assuming he really is going to take care of the valve today, though it’s not critical.

Heard from my German hottie, but she still doesn’t have Internet service at home just yet. She had hoped to this week and that the renovating would be done, but she still checks in from work on most days and is still behaving too, LOL. I don’t know for how long, though.

She said a friend came over last night with big-time relationship problems and they ended up getting a little drunk. I could tell by her typing that she wasn’t quite with it. In love with her BF or not, I wonder just what they did last night, LOL, and if they “misbehaved” in any way. Hey, if the chick is bi like Nane (though Nane might not admit she’s bi as obvious as it is) and if they’re attracted to each other, well, they’re only human. I told her I’m not much of a drinker but I might be tempted to get slightly smashed myself if I spent the night with her. :)

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 18, 2012 Worked out for an hour this morning. Spent 15 minutes doing my arms and abs, then another 45 walking and running. I then showered and ate. Once I replenish my energy with a little relaxation time I’m going to do some dusting and vacuuming. No fun at all. But it’s got to be done.

As expected this week, Jesse spent a few hours yesterday bulldozing the drive. He didn’t come down here, though he’s going to have to come down sometime over the next few days. He’ll probably want to vacuum leaves and shit like that out of the cooler. It also needs a new belt.

Andy reminded me that revenge on Jesse isn’t worth it and how karma comes back to get us and all that, but as I assured him, I have no desire for any “revenge.” I just want to move, that’s all. I’m smart enough to know that pesky worms are better stepped over than stepped on, but a noisy landlord isn’t the only reason we’re moving. We’ve just totally outgrown this place and I’m sick to death of the lack of space and just one bathroom. I hate waking up having to pee to find him in the shower or something. I can’t wait to have more space, closets, counter space, and outlets!

I called Mom but she seemed in a hurry to rush me off, saying these calls were costing me money. I reminded her that I have free long distance but would be happy to let her go if she were busy. I just wanted to see how she was feeling and if she was curious to hear what I learned from the census thing. She said she was doing ok, trying to get some paperwork done, thanked me for calling, and that was it. She’s probably sick of everyone calling so often to check up on her so I won’t call her again till Mother’s Day next month.

If things are going as well as they have been with seemingly no end in sight anytime too soon, then why do I continue to have so many dreams of doom and gloom? Can’t I have fun dreams more often? Strange dreams? Wet dreams? Interesting dreams? Instead, I’m either held captive somewhere against my will (usually in jails or funny farms), stuck in hotels, or having dreams that seem to deal with loss and poverty.

In last night’s dream, we were so poor that we “lost” everything but the bed. People came and took everything else we owned like the people that go out and repossess cars. I know it makes no sense and is a silly dream, but the only good to having such dismal dreams like this is waking up to know it was just a dream. As in most dreams, the place we lived in didn’t look like this place. I tried to hide some things but they found and took them anyway. All that was left was the bed, plus these two twin beds that supposedly came with the place.

I told Tom about it when I got up and he said, “Everything’s fine. In fact, the only thing that’s not good right now is that I’m making so much money that I can’t be around for you.”

LOL, it’s true that he sure is out a lot since he’ll be working 6 days a week for a while. Some lady is out having surgery so that’s part of why. We love the money but it sucks that he has so little free time. As for me, I’m fine on my own. I’ve always preferred to spend most of my time alone anyway. That’s why I dread the idea of when he retires as much as I look forward to it, LOL.

A couple of nights ago I dreamt I was in some sort of strange jail or funny farm. Rows of maybe 3-5 beds that were these skinny little cots stretched down a long, wide corridor. I was at the end of one row by the open part of the corridor. I got up in the middle of the night because I had to pee. The corridor was dimly lit but I could see my way down to where it formed a T just fine. I stumbled toward the top of the T and took a right. As I approached the bathroom that had about half a dozen toilets in it I reached for the light switch. Though the light never came on, I could see 3 or 4 women cleaning the bathroom. Why they were cleaning in the dark, I don’t know. One of them said, “We should be done in about 6 minutes.”

My bladder wasn’t going to wait that long so I headed for the staff’s bathroom at the other end of the top of the T, hoping no one would see me as I slipped into the tiny room with the single toilet.

Later…

I was sitting here doing some self-reflecting and I realized that only a small part of me is the same person I was 25 years ago. I think a lot more of me has changed, though I’d like to think it’s for the better. I have become more open and tolerant to certain things, but there’s also an awful lot of shit I wouldn’t put up with these days like the old me would, particularly when it comes to what types of people I’d hang out with. On or offline, there’s no way I’d associate with losers like Fran and “Nervous” these days. Or bigots. Especially the kind that have the nerve to tell you you’re wrong for being who you are. I don’t care if someone disagrees with anything I say, think or do. Everybody has a right to hate, like and love whatever and whoever. But I have to wonder why I ever put up with so much shit from certain people in the past. Why did I bother with the types of people I wouldn’t even stop to so much as glance at in this day and age?

I was in my early 20s when I was living on Oswego Street in Springfield, MA. I was too nice, too forgiving, and too tolerant in a way that I was severely lacking in self-respect. There are things to tolerate and then there are times to put your foot down and wash your hands clean of certain individuals in the name of self-respect. Take a woman who tolerates abuse, for example. Is she just tolerant? Or does she have no self-respect for herself whatsoever? A lack of respect for one’s self is a trait I typically look down upon. I don’t like to see it in others and I don’t like to see it in myself. Other people have a right to be that way or to change it if they see fit, and no one can make them change but themselves. But I could change that in myself and I did, mostly through getting fed up with certain assholes after dealing with them one too many times. As I said before, we all have our limits.

I’d reached my limits with the likes of Cecelia when I was around 30. A little late, but hey, better later than never. It was back in those early 20s in the projects of Springfield that I met Cecelia. She was deaf. I fancied the idea of having a deaf friend so I could keep up with my sign language. I saw her a few times and we hung out together either at my place or going out for lunch or something like that. She seemed like an ok person. Pretty average, actually. Average looking, average personality… just average.

Then one day Cecelia and I were sitting at my kitchen table sipping coffee and chatting. The conversation eventually shifted to my sexual preference.

“But it’s wrong,” she signed.

I just looked at her dumbly, unsure of what to say and stunned by her sudden rudeness. Then she said she’d be out of my life if I ever touched her or anything.

Although it may be pointless, I could kick myself for smiling politely and assuring her I was not the least bit attracted to her but also that I would never force my way onto someone who wasn’t interested. These days I would have stood up, opened the door, and told her to get the fuck out. No defending myself, no trying to reason with her, just getting her the fuck out of my life would be all I would do.

Who the hell was she to tell me I was wrong anyway? I hate people like that! As soon as someone tells me my way of living, thinking and believing is “wrong,” I’m gone. Just gone! I don’t tell others how to live and I expect the same respect in return. I need to surround myself with people who accept me as I am and that’s what I’ve been doing for many years now whenever possible. As one of my favorite quotes goes: Those that matter, love you as you are. Those that don’t, don’t matter.

It’s so beautiful here this time of year. Everything’s so green. There are no palms, cacti, wisterias, cypress, cherry and other trees I like within view of this place, but it’s the prettiest time of year until the dry heat kicks in and bakes the underbrush wheat brown.

Maliheh checked in again by giving my blog a hit after I sent her the last round of posts. Too bad she won’t be able to do that in a couple of months. I just wish I knew why she hardly wants to talk to me.

TUESDAY, APRIL 17, 2012 I should’ve known better than to open my mouth and tell someone that one of my good friends is the adoptive daughter of a famous puppeteer. Why? Well, they don’t believe it, of course. So what if I have absolutely NO reason whatsoever to lie about all these things I’m supposedly making up or not fessing up to? So what if I have absolutely nothing to gain from lying? Lying doesn’t make me any money, it doesn’t make me immune to illness, and it doesn’t guarantee I’ll never be in a bad accident, so what is it with these people??? Trust issues due to being lied to by others? Well, I’m sorry there are a lot of liars out there, but you know what? I’m getting sicker and sicker of trying to defend and convince others that I tell it like it is and so I give up. From now on I’m just going to let the truth be whatever people want and believe it to be and not what I say. If it gets that bad with certain people I can always ignore them. After all, no one wants to hang on or offline with anyone who doesn’t believe or trust them. When you can’t trust someone you make it hard for them to trust you.

Ok, so I can see where some people who don’t know me well may think I was joking since it’s a celebrity that’s involved and all that, but sometimes I find myself having to reassure people of the dumbest of things, particularly Andy. The most trivial things can be oh so damn hard for some people to simply take my word for like my favorite color, what mood I’m in, what my weather is like. I live here. Shouldn’t I know what my own weather is like? It’s my brain. Shouldn’t I know what it likes and feels?

Sometimes I wonder if people are just hoping to pick fights with whoever they can and that it’s not just about them being insecure or having trust issues. I guess I should just be more selective about who I share what with. I wouldn’t want someone to think I was ready to commit suicide simply because I said I was pissed that I got a paper cut or anything like that!

Later…

Nane just messaged me saying she still has no Internet at home yet but confirmed that she’s been doing OT for a colleague who’s on vacation. “It sucks because I don’t even have time for a lunch break,” she said. But she has time to view my blog? I didn’t tell her that, though, LOL.

MONDAY, APRIL 16, 2012 Christiane surprised me by commenting on several of my cover photos. I was a bit surprised because she’s usually more “polite” than friendly. At least that’s the way she’s been with me, especially since Nane and I got back together.

Most people want to surround themselves with people that make them happy. We are naturally selfish, though most of us may not want to admit it, and we don’t want to have to be responsible for or take care of others. Some of us will still do so depending on how much we may care about the particular person in need, but even so, most of us tend to avoid those who live in a dark cloud of depression. In doing so we help make them even more of what we want to run from and avoid – depressed, alone and miserable. But when people post suicide notes on their walls and then don’t kill themselves, most of us tend to reach our tolerance limit, as funny as this may sound. I’m not without compassion, and I’m not saying my friend should have killed herself after leaving the kind of note she left, I’m just saying there are other ways to reach out for help and attention without getting so many people worked up. I hope she has learned this by now.

Either way, I know all about problems and how life can be so damn frustrating and depressing. I’m tired of losing, and I’m wondering just how much more we’re going to have to lose before whatever’s up there quits picking on us. Really, how much more??? We have lost so, so much in the last 8-12 years.

Through communicating with Maria’s friends on her scary wall post, a very kind woman named Sherri added me. Ah, but there’s one small catch. This is the third person in less than two weeks to say they’ll buy my books that never did! Man, I’m sick of hearing that shit!

I’m really, really tempted to just unpublish the books and be done with the whole thing. I admit and accept I failed as an author. That’s all I can do. But I did try. It just wasn’t meant to be. Not sure what the hell is meant to be – maybe nothing – but there’s no sense in turning something fun into work if it wasn’t meant to be my job in the first place. Gotta just look on the bright side, I guess, and that’s that now the pressure is off to be as correct as possible when I write since it will be just for fun. Correctness is still more important than quantity, but I don’t have to be as picky anymore if I’m just going to share blogs and stories with friends.

So no one wants to buy my books for real anymore, I lost my dad, we lost our rat, we lost most of our pension and I probably won’t get much if anything at all inheritance-wise, but life is otherwise great. I have a lot to be grateful for and to look forward to despite being raked over a bed of hot coals by life and some of the people in it.

Later…

LOL, both Nane and Christiane viewed my blog earlier, only Christiane wouldn’t admit it. All she would say when I asked if any of the visitors were her (to see what she would say) was that she viewed my photos earlier. If I had known, though, I never would’ve posted the paragraph about being surprised that she commented on my photos. First time she ever visits and she had to see that – damn! It must not have bothered her, though, since she didn’t say anything. I rarely mention her anyway, since I don’t talk to her nearly as much as Nane, Irene and others.

Anyway, it took me a minute to realize Nane was one of the visitors. Once I zoomed in on the geo map I recognized the buildings and street names, so she visited from work and is doing OT since she peeked in at 7pm her time. That explains why I got no messages from her today.

Her view was only 20 minutes after Christiane’s view. I wonder if there’s a connection. Like if Christiane told Nane about it and Nane checked into it out of curiosity. Neither of them went very far. Just to the first page.

Andy’s getting on my nerves again but not just with the wanting to chat online. Once again he’s one step away from calling me a liar about various things I say and just seems argumentative today. If he’s got trust issues with me, why does he want to bother with me? Really, why bother with someone you just can’t believe? But it’s like doesn’t want to believe I’m not miserable. My life isn’t perfect, but right now I’m far from miserable. Annoyed at times by Jesse’s racket (just after 10am he started this God-awful loud hammering that was louder than any hammering I’d ever heard around here before, and coming and going in loud vehicles) but I’m anything but miserable. Maybe I just need to stop sharing with him parts of my journal that bitch about any noise from Jesse so I’m not “miserable” in his mind. And maybe I need to not share the extra snack I may’ve had so that I’m not “obsessed” with my weight. If I were that obsessed I wouldn’t be up to 143 pounds, would I?

SUNDAY, APRIL 15, 2012 The troll peeked in again yesterday, but she’s still keeping her visits short and sweet and hasn’t made any new posts on her new blog since Aly alerted me to it.

I am curious by nature. I like to learn things about people, places and things. Therefore, I ask a lot of questions. People are often annoyed by this curious trait of mine that thirsts for knowledge, but I wonder about things all the time. I don’t just find the more complex things in life interesting, but sometimes even the simplest and trivial of things can be just as fascinating. I was just as wowed to learn Nane’s favorite colors are blue and orange as I am to learn about new discoveries in space and things like that.

It was this curious nature that got me interested in tracking visitors at least until my free trial expires in a couple of months. I’ve noticed that I seem to attract different states and countries to different blogging sites. On Thoughts the #1 visiting country is Australia. A check of my state visitors and the winner is… Louisiana!

I was glad to learn that Andy, after having a miserable 48 hours, is feeling better. As he said, “Better, stronger, faster, bionic.” LOL, love his sense of humor.

Gonna go relax now with some music or reading till we hit the city in a few hours for our weekend shopping.

Later…

I really REALLY hope my friend Maria (a Valleyhead sister) is doing nothing more than just scaring the shit out of people with the suicide note she left on her wall 18 hours ago. I hope it’s nothing but an empty threat borne of frustration and desperation and that we can all let her have it for scaring us once she’s either calmed down or gotten help. Last I knew her friends and daughter were investigating and so were the police. I guess she just moved in with a friend but I don’t see why one of her kids wouldn’t know where she was. Some people have tried to reach her by phone to no avail.

Maria’s always come across as a toughie and a survivor, so I think she’ll be ok. She’s going through the same hell we were going through, and it seems no one wants to give her a job. But hey, she’s white, female, older and covered in tattoos, so why should any employer out there give a damn, right? rolls eyes I know she’s had interviews lined up so hopefully, someone will give her the break she deserves.

Many people are offering to take her in based on the wall posts I’m reading, so it’s not like she would have no one to help her like what would’ve been the case for us had Tom not gotten a job when he did. You find out just who your true friends really are when you’re in need of a place to go, so I’m glad to see people offering to take her in. Eileen had offered to take Tom and me, which was really sweet of her, but the problem would’ve been getting to where she is. So even those who did give a damn that would’ve helped us, well, we were a wee bit out of reach of that help.

Just learned that she’s alive after all. Maybe not well, but alive. So now I’m both pissed and relieved. Damn her for scaring so many people like that! But thank God she’s alive.

What I don’t thank God for is that He let the pension people screw us even more. Totally something He would do, too. :( Don’t forget to screw us out of any inheritance money too, God, and make sure you screw us out of retirement money as well. Although Tom says that can’t happen because by the time they raised the retirement age, he was over 40 and so he was locked in at that point as far as what he’ll get for retirement money, and then there’s the 401K thing that he’ll be getting underway soon enough. But let me guess… God will be sure to think of some way to get the money away from us, right?

As for the retirement pension, unfortunately they were able to gamble with millions of people’s pensions in hopes of making a profit, and there were no laws protecting people like us when they lost. So now we’ve gone from expecting a lump sum of around 20K to $200 a month to $66 a month. Tom says that once we start receiving payments they can’t cut it any lower or take it away completely, but again, I’m sure God will find a way and see to it that we lose this too, even if it’s not much money to be losing in the first place.

On the bright side, the entire day wasn’t filled with scares and disappointments. No, we had some fun mixed in. We went to Walmart really early and did some shopping. I got a couple of those $3 imposter perfume sprays now that they have knock-offs of Angel and Love Spell. Love those scents! When are they gonna come out with White Shoulders? Black Orchid would be nice, too.

Even though I shouldn’t have, I got my usual slew of weekend snacks – cheese crackers, sweets and dried cherries I wanted to try. The cherries are boring and almost seem like they could be raisins, but the cheesecake I got was awesome.

I still believe we’ll spend most of our lives struggling, and again I’m used to it as much as it cuts down our options in life. I just wish we could never again have to worry about the necessities. I still have to wonder, though, why are people like my folks and siblings so much more deserving? What have they got that we don’t? My husband has worked his ass off all his life. Yet thanks to the bastard above who saw fit to curse me with a sleep disorder that prevents me from adding a second income to the household, along with usually seeing to it that Tom doesn’t get the pay and credit he deserves, I don’t know that we’ll ever really be able to afford anything nice in an adult community. And when I say “nice” I mean an average size house that isn’t so damn old and that has a washer, dryer, and dishwasher and is fully loaded with the works. Some of these communities have fitness rooms, pools and things like that which would be really nice to have. Especially the pool. There may be unruly grandkids visiting at times, but it can’t be as bad as a regular neighborhood, could it?

“I made the rent in one week,” Tom reminded me, assuring me we would get a decent enough place, but it’s not like he’s always going to work OT either, so we’ll just have to wait and see.

Another option is getting an old doublewide for a few grand and renting a lot in a 55+ trailer park which may be cheaper. But the park would have to be a dumpy one since they don’t allow dumpy old trailers in nicer parks, and we still don’t want to own. Yes, I’d like a place I had more control over as far as what happened when, but I also don’t want to have to pay to fix everything that breaks either. I’m sick of old dumps anyway. Really, I just want to be in a house that’s younger than I am!

Gonna have to have Jesse prep the cooler and get our little homemade thermostat set up soon since the weather’s going to be in the 70s and we may even hit the 80s by the end of the week. He is going to be sooo fucking noisy all week. In fact, he just took off on the motorcycle and now the dogs are going off. beats head I really hope this dog curse ends here! But wherever the hell we end up, we’ve still got 3-4 months before we get there. But since the other sleep curse didn’t last forever, maybe the dog one won’t either. It’ll just have lasted a hell of a lot longer. From February of 1992 to around the time I moved into the Phoenix house with Tom in September of 1993 and I finally got the bright idea of sleeping with fans and sound machines on or both, my neighbors would not let me sleep in the 5 different places I lived in during that timeframe. Fans and sound machines probably wouldn’t have done me any good anyway since I was attached to these people. Every door they slammed, every cabinet they banged, every step they took, practically shook my entire place. So even when I’d had earplugs jammed in and radios playing, the vibration caused by their racket woke me up almost every day without fail. It was horrible. I was sicker than a dog half the time. But if that curse can end, can’t the noisy neighbor one end, too?

Either way, we’ll never have big bucks and we’ll never live in the perfect house with the perfect neighbors, but we will get out of this little old trailer and away from pesky Jesse.

SATURDAY, APRIL 14, 2012 Love how I can queue entries up to be posted at a certain time. It’s actually 1am PT but I kind of like to post at “normal” hours every now and then, so I’ll have it launch at 9am ET.

Just did part 1 of 2 of today’s workout. I mixed 5-MPH sprints in with 3-MPH walks so I could do some reading. Because I mixed some walking in it took me longer to burn 150 calories (20 min.) and in a little while I’ll repeat the process till I have my daily goal of 300 calories burned.

Not much else to say at the moment. Oddly enough I don’t remember one single dream I had last night. This is probably a good thing in my case.

Later…

Maliheh did me a favor and hit my blog as I asked her to if everything was showing up ok on her end (mainly graphics) if she still didn’t want to chat. That’s really nice of her but what’s keeping her away so long, so often??? Is she playing with me? Could she have more feelings for me than I realize? Could she be uncomfortable with my liking her? Could she simply not be big on chatting? Something else? The only thing I’m pretty sure of where she’s concerned is that she’s not mad at me. If she were she’d say so.

Jesse’s wasting absolutely no time at all in being obnoxious since there’s been a break in the rain. It wasn’t even 9am on Saturday morning yet already he’d come and gone twice. I could even hear him slamming doors to his truck and what may’ve been the sound of him throwing something in back of it. Where the fuck has this jobless cock got to go this early on a cloudy, chilly Saturday morning??? Again, just knowing this one person close to 200’ away can be almost as annoying as a pack of freeloaders within arm’s reach is a little scary. It makes me wonder if I’ll ever have peaceful neighbors no matter where I live and, how many of them there are, and how far away they are.

At least the prick took his dogs with him, based on the fact that they haven’t started barking since he left for the first of what will probably be 6 times today. Unless someone’s there like maybe his son.

Do everyone’s neighbors do this? Do they all come and go so damn often and have company nearly every single day? I can only think of maybe two neighbors I’ve had in the last 20 years that didn’t come and go so much and have frequent company. This would be my only real concern in an adult community. We’d be back to having neighbors just a few yards away, and having car doors slamming so close to the house so often could get pretty damn annoying. But the only way we’ll know for sure what it’s like there is to actually live in one of these communities, preferably not on the edge where we’d be too close to the mainstream which would include barking dogs, screaming kids, loud car stereos and other chaos.

Despite the loss of downtime and other things, Tom’s glad to be working today because that just means more money for moving. I’d rather get out of here sooner as soon as we have enough saved, rather than stay here longer to save up more for the things we’ll want to get for the new place as well. However, we can’t adjust his DOB so even if we’ve got the money right now we can’t just up and go. So we’ll be here at least till July 1st, possibly August 1st, but no later than September 1st. Something definitely went wrong if we’re here into the fall.

I can’t wait to get into the new place, wherever it is, and get saving again and prioritizing lists of things we need/want! I’ve learned that having a savings, even if it’s just a grand or two is more important than how much money you make. If you make $20 an hour but have nothing in savings if your car completely craps out on you, you’re fucked. So the first thing I’ll want to do is boost the savings back up after the move before we start any shopping. Who knows, we may have a helluva head start when the time comes.

One of the first things we’ll want is a full-size washer and dryer. Oh, how I miss the days of just being able to walk up to a washer that’s always hooked up and ready to go! A portable is better than nothing, but I still miss it. And I’ve always preferred clothes dried in dryers as opposed to line-dried. Line-dried makes them too stiff.

We’ll also want to replace one of the computer desks and get a real couch instead of this beat-up futon. I miss having a “normal” setup and a more traditional-looking place. The TV can be mounted on the wall so there’s no need to get any kind of a stand or table for that, though I’ll want to get shelves for collectibles and stuff like that.

I can’t wait to take and share pictures of the new place, and yes, I may even throw in some of myself. I wanted to wait till I made more progress with working out and all that stuff, but I realize I’m never going to be happy with my appearance no matter what, and hey, 80% of us over 45 don’t exactly look all that great anyway.

It’s gonna be a helluva day the day we leave here, considering that it sure looked like we were going to be going out in body bags at one point when things were so bad for us and seemed so hopeless.

I still want to share what I can no longer share. I don’t eat burritos very often but I had one for variety today. I pulled it out of the toaster oven and sat down at the table with it. I picked off part of the crisp wrapping and thought to myself what a nice treat it would make for the rat, only to remember he was no longer here to share these things with me.

I looked out the window at his grave, made wet from all the fierce rain we recently had, and my eyes stung with tears. He should be in here with me and not in the ground. I still wonder if that dream of him crawling all over me was just a dream or if it was his way of visiting from the other side.

I like the ease of not having a pet. I don’t have to shoo them away from shit they shouldn’t be getting into or anything like that. But even more, I miss having a pet. I said I wanted to wait till after the move, though, to make it easier on us, but that only makes the move seem even further away. Especially when our bastard landlord is running and gunning engines for what seems like forever! I know it will need it, but he is going to drive me so crazy with that bulldozer soon enough when he goes to smooth the ruts out of the drive.

He’s also not going to be happy to lose such fine tenants, LOL.

FRIDAY, APRIL 13, 2012 No wonder the troll hasn’t made any updates on her blog lately. She created a new account on Thoughts, claiming she forgot her old PW. Yeah, right. Like she doesn’t know to have it reset or sent to her or something? Regardless, I should’ve figured as much, but a week ago “Girl Power” (what a lame name) created yet another account which Alison alerted me to and I also blocked. She’s only got a couple of posts, one saying how much better off she is without certain people, the other with a “letter” to Alison. Same old shit. She’s probably deleted several other rants in the last week.

Andy drives me crazy at times, almost making me feel pressured to do Formspring and email with him when I’m not only not as into that sort of thing as he is (especially on a daily basis) but I have other things to do. The guy rarely sleeps and works, LOL! He only sleeps for 4 hours at a time on most nights, then he only works for a few hours at a time. Unless he’s hanging out with family he seems to spend almost all his free time online. If he could, he would do Formspring from the minute he woke up to the minute he went to sleep.

Woke up to a huge clap of thunder. The kind you don’t usually get here but that we would get plenty of down in Arizona during monsoon seasons. It poured like crazy yesterday. We even got some hail. Found a worm in the bathroom. It’s not uncommon to find them in here after getting a lot of rain. I’m surprised the frogs aren’t going crazy now.

It has been so, so peaceful as far as Jesse and the dogs go, but sadly that’s only due to a combination of the rain and my schedule. If it weren’t for propane costs I’d wish it would rain every day that we’re still here. When it rains when I sleep during the day I don’t have to worry about him waking me up. When it rains when I’m up during the day I don’t have to worry about him disturbing my peace. But in a few days, it’s back to sunny and 70s which means it’s back to vroom, vroom, vroom and arf, arf, arf. :(

The bleeding finally stopped at the end of my day yesterday and I dropped 4 pounds in just water alone. I’ve stopped the fish oil supplements as well. I hate to go back to having sore joints, especially the hips, but I don’t want killer periods that last forever either.

Andy said his family “still expects him to look as he did 35 years ago.” Geez, that’s not only as bad as having friends and family not take you for face value, take cheap shots at your medical conditions and defend your perps, but totally ridiculous, not to mention physically impossible! I’m not saying they’re bad people or anything like that, but no one stays the same forever and that’s kind of hypocritical of them anyway since they’re not exactly centerfolds themselves or the epitome of true fitness. Shame on those who pay more attention to one’s looks than the people they are! We’ve conquered most of the racism in this world. We’ve conquered a lot of sexism. We’ve conquered piss-poor attitudes about a lot of things. So then why are we still an appearance-obsessed society???

We all want to look our best and there’s nothing wrong with that. Nothing wrong at all. Hell, I work out and diet most of the time myself, but it’s because I want to. But when people focus on us for our looks and not the people we are, that’s really sad. People’s priorities really worry me at times. One’s appearance should be that individual’s concern only. If they’re overweight, well, it’s not your problem, is it? If it’s their life and their body, why do you care? So you can have a prettier being to look at? Geez, go look at a pretty picture online if beauty is that important to you! The only ones who should be making cracks about one’s appearance or medical problems are the individuals themselves. Same goes for various lifestyles, beliefs and things like that. As most people would agree, though, those who do these things are only unhappy with their own looks, lives and whatever.

If racism can become favoritism as it has in most cases, and if women can hold so many powerful positions in society these days (though I’m still waiting for the first female president), we should be able to stop having expectations of others that aren’t just unreasonable but downright insane!

Off to run a mile or two, shower, then get working on some things around here.

The closer we get to May, the easier I breathe. But I’m still keeping a low profile and wonder if there’s a warrant out on me. Sometimes I think I’ll check and see, then I stop myself and say, “No, don’t give in to their games in any way! Surround yourself with positive things and people, not those who only want to bring you down with their crazy laws.”

Later…

Poor Andy. He’s been puking and having the runs. I thought something was up since the Formspring addict couldn’t go over 12 hours away from that site if his life depended on it. I just thought he was either catching up on sleep or had more clients to tend to than usual.

I called Mom earlier to see how she was doing and to pass along the info I dug up on her family, but she had to let me go because the nurse that’s looking out for her was just arriving.

Speaking of health-related things, Tom doesn’t know yet how much they’ll charge every week for it, but he gave me an overview of the health, vision and dental insurance they offer. Copays are $25 in some cases and there’s a 1000-dollar deductible.

They had a health fair at work yesterday, which included some giveaways. It would’ve been neat to win the water pillow, which I would think would be heavy as hell but comfortable, though he did get a bagful of samples and other things. Eyeglass lens cleaner, sore muscle cream, yogurt bars, energy drinks and more. He said not to take anything till he researched it. Are you kidding? I wouldn’t take shit after bleeding like a faucet from those fish oil supplements!

I was talking with Nane about the strange spotting and bleeding I had and she wonders why she gets periods at 51. I wondered this myself once I went from 99% sure to 100% sure I wasn’t having kids. But unfortunately, a woman can’t just make an appointment and order up a hysterectomy like she can breast enhancements.

Not much else going on other than that Tom has to work tomorrow. His take-home pay for this week is going to be a little over $700. Sure beats $600 every other week from unemployment! It’s going to be close to a 4K month, though he doesn’t expect the OT to continue on much longer.

THURSDAY, APRIL 12, 2012 Maliheh visited my blog again, but just like last time, there’s no navigation info on her. Not even the landing page. Also like last time, TIP didn’t land on her rooftop but somewhere else in her town.

The troll’s visits are picking up in regularity, but they’re still very short and sweet and she’s still not doing her own blogging. Today’s visit was something like 36 seconds.

When Tom was picking me up extra pads, he also swiped a thin foam mattress pad. Its size is full and just plain foam. None of that memory crap. It’s the ideal topper for air, water or coil mattresses.

Today’s the day we moved into this little trailer exactly 4 years ago. After an 8-month hotel stay it was great. We no longer had to deal with door slamming, TVs and music blaring, cars honking, and pleasant but annoying hotel staff. But I have since grown beyond sick of this place. I’ve had my fill of the lack of space, and the intermittent racket from my landlord’s many loud vehicles and dogs, and now it’s time to move on.

Saw a movie last night about the relationship between these two lesbians. It was a good movie but the lesbians themselves were so unrealistic. This is because they were both so damn feminine. They were actually bisexual, but still, most bisexuals and lesbians find fems as unattractive as most men find 250-pound women unattractive. I have about half a dozen or so friends, both cyber and not, that are either bi or lesbian. Only Marie and Nane find me physically attractive and I honestly don’t know that Nane considers me that attractive. Marie’s no real surprise, though, because she herself looks very lesbian and pretty much considers anything without a stick shift between the legs attractive, LOL. Besides, we don’t keep in touch. So out of the 5 or 6 bis/les ladies that I do keep in touch with and consider close friends, I’ve got one “half-assed” attraction. Like I said, fems just don’t fit into that world very well but the guys sure do love them. Put me in a room with one straight guy and a dozen lesbians and I’m sure the guy will be the only one to notice me unless any of the lesbians are so butchy that they too, look like guys.

Did some other research after remembering that my mom’s mom once said what her maiden name was. Both my grandmothers were born in the US, but I still have no clue as to what my dad’s grandparents’ first names are or what my mom’s dad’s parents’ names could’ve been. Especially if they were Austrian and Russian. But mom’s mom was definitely from MA and I did find a Sadie C born in 1880 who was married to William, and they seem the most likely. Wonder which one was the bitch that made my grandmother one as well. Either way, William was born in Russia, too. Since Tom’s obsessed with censuses and digging up other old info we’ll see if he can connect those names to Shirley G.

I just hope this heavy bleeding that’s beginning to concern me a bit isn’t a sign of anything serious. It could cause a significant delay in the move if anything serious is going on, not to mention the fact that I probably won’t be insured till close to the end of the year.

If any older women (older than 46) have any insight for me, do let me know. For years my periods were punctual and short-lived where I’d only bleed heavy (though not as heavy as in my teens and 20s) for a few hours. By day 3 it’d be gone. But this time around I started spotting at mid-cycle. It went on for a week before becoming a regular and heavy period. This was two days ago and I’m still bleeding heavily. Not hemorrhaging or anything like that, but it’s consistent enough. I have no other symptoms. No pain or anything like that. Hopefully, it’s just either part of menopause or whacky hormone fluctuations due to age. I’d LOVE to have a hysterectomy and be forever done with periods, but not while I’m uninsured!

Anyway, I’ve been writing an awful lot lately – maybe too much by some people’s standards, though I’m actually doing shorter posts more often instead of longer posts less often – but if writing is supposed to burn calories as I’ve heard, it’s forgotten mine. But one look at me and you can see I’m seriously fit despite how heavy I am. I’m small but heavy. Petite in height and inches but still have some fat and tons of muscle from the running and lifting. I’m about 140 pounds. I read that if you’re fat but fit you’ll live longer than if you were thin and out of shape. Well, I’m definitely a fit fatty! You can see most of the muscle mass in my shoulders, biceps, abs and calves. I have a HUGE muscle that slashes straight down the quads, but that one’s harder to see cuz I still have too much fatty tissue overlaying that area.

The propane guy noticed how I’ve been looking, LOL, saying he thought I was 40. And this is after I stopped dying my hair so I’d look older trying to get into a retirement community this summer. Tom looks his age, but I don’t quite look mine. I’m close in the face but have a very youthful-looking body. A shitty one compared to 20 years ago, but still quite youthful. Assault it enough with weights, running sprees and hunger and it tends to end up that way later on in life.

I do a good job of staying away from sugar, pasta and other starchy foods during the week and sticking to a high-protein diet which mostly consists of meat, fruits, veggies and a little dairy, but I need to do better on weekends. I also need to build more stamina. I know that may sound funny since most people in their 20s would probably struggle to keep up with me, but my goal is to sustain a 20-30 minute run between 4-5 MPH without having to break it up into sessions of twos or threes. I’m really close now, though! The fish oil has really helped my joints tremendously so that’s helped me not have to break things up as much. But if this damn bleeding keeps up I’ll have to stop the fish oil and see if the bleeding backs off. That’s the only change I’ve made recently.

Just did some research. Hmm… maybe it’s time to back off the fishies for sure. Bummer! I really liked having less joint pain. Better this, though, than anything serious when you’re uninsured. Yet the reading I did does suggest it could be the fish oil and I did start it right before the spotting began.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 11, 2012 It kind of sucks to know that not only will the drama queen probably get most of whatever my folks leave behind, but because I won’t be the one going through their things, in the end, I’ll never get to see what interesting papers/pictures they may’ve had. As I get older, I become more fascinated with the past. I think it works that way for most of us. I mean it’s interesting but at the same time, I don’t give a shit who my great-great-great-great-grandmother was.

This period is heavier than usual. Tom said to expect my cycle to do weird things as I head toward menopause. I would’ve thought my periods would get lighter and less frequent, but he thinks it varies from person to person and that they’ll vary in consistency. Why can’t I just get insured and get a hysterectomy? That’d be so much easier!

Nane messaged me at work like I hoped she would. She’s still without Internet at home due to the renovation excursion. She’s only working half a day cuz her new bed is arriving today. It still amazes me how much time off they get from work in Europe! How do they live? She said to check out a picture on her wall and I did. It was the back of a guy (Askim?) painting her bedroom walls red, but I thought she said she wanted them cream-colored.

sighs Oh, to be able to run over for a visit! She’d be all for it too, though I know we’d end up fucking like rabbits no matter how much she may be devoted to Askim. Hey, I love the hell out of Tom, but I’m also only human and I have no qualms about admitting it. When two people who are attracted to each other are left alone in the same room…things happen.

I forgot to mention in one of my last posts that while I always figured my grandparents went through high school, both my mom’s parents were actually listed as completing just one year of high school. I guess it was common back then that as soon as you were old enough to work, you quit school and went to work.

Tom said there have been a couple of cats hanging around here lately, so no, I’m not imagining the meows I sometimes hear.

I ended up reading some fascinating material on the various theories out there on the afterlife and those who have had near-death experiences. Most of what I read made sense but didn’t, and what didn’t make sense also did make sense, if that – well - makes any sense. It was still a very interesting read.

Some say near-death experiences may just be the brain’s reaction to dying. It makes sense that it could cause such hallucinations like going through a tunnel with a bright light at the end of it and meeting friends and family. But it doesn’t explain how some people are able to recount exactly what happened to them during surgery.

It makes sense that people would come up with the same stories based on pure wishful thinking. Hey, everyone wants to think that their life goes on somehow after death and that they get to be reunited with loved ones. But if they’re just stories how come there are so many of them and the people telling them come from all different walks of life?

I still don’t know what to believe, but I realize that if psychic phenomena can exist that can’t really be explained by science (though they think they’ve located the region of the brain responsible for the 6th sense and psychic phenomena), I guess that means an afterlife is possible. Tom believes there’s one; he just doesn’t know what it is.

Having had surgery myself, though, and rendered completely unconscious with zero sense of awareness, it’s also safe to assume that there is a state of complete and total unawareness that also exists on some plane, somewhere, which could signify that without a sense of awareness, there is absolutely nothing and therefore no afterlife.

Those who disagree say that when the body dies it’s a lot like turning off a television. Like a brain shutting down, you can also shut down a television, but that doesn’t mean that the airwaves still don’t exist. Instead, they continue to live on even after the TV is turned off.

I also read up on theories of other dimensions. In many of my dreams, I have often felt like I actually visited some of the places I saw in the dreams. It was like I was there and not just dreaming of being there. Like I left my body and entered this other plane of existence. Are they really astral projections? I wonder about this at times and how I “find” my way back to my body in the end. What if one day I can’t find the way back? Better yet, why’d I ever have to be psychic in the first place??? I mean one who’s actually developed and kind of good at it. However, I doubt I could contact the dead if there really is an afterlife, though I’m not sure I’d want to. And ask them what, if they have free lobster there?

TUESDAY, APRIL 10, 2012 I somehow managed to finish chapter 10 of my book and am the crampiest I’ve been since I started spotting a week ago, two weeks before I should. It’s almost up to a light flow and I wonder if I’m going to have a full-blown period soon. Tom thinks I might just end up having my period a week earlier, which he says goes with the spotting time. Yes, I do usually spot a bit before periods, but not a whole week!

I think that as good as the Mylar does at keeping body heat in this bed, I’m going to get the thinnest foam topper I can find at Walmart this weekend that’s made of just plain foam. It will not only work just as well but foam holds the sheets in place much better. Right now the sheets are slipping and bunching like crazy on the Mylar and it’s so “noisy” with the way it crinkles. Sort of like the wax paper we sit on when we go to take a seat on a doctor’s examination table.

Later…

The spotting turned into a full-fledged period and if this keeps happening every other week I’ll scream. I don’t see why it would, though. I think I’m just having a fluky month.

Tom’s become addicted to looking up old records from 1940 and even I have to admit it’s been an interesting learning experience. It’s one of those things you usually have to get older to appreciate.

I called mom to see how she’s doing. She’s getting along but still has 5 weeks left to go in the cast. That must really suck. If an arm cast was as shitty as it was for me, I can just imagine how having one on your foot would be. Ugh! Tammy’s still there, too. For a woman who is so controlling it must be both hard and strange for her to have to rely on someone else for help. At least she’s got someone to help her. Who the hell’s gonna help us when we get old???

Mom is usually pretty tight-lipped when it comes to trying to pump any information out of her, no matter how trivial it may be. But while she couldn’t remember her grandparents’ names, she did remember the street she lived on in 1940 and that was Alderman in Springfield.

It took Tom, who said he could sit and pour through old records for hours, about 20 minutes to go through the scans and find the proper street since they’re not very orderly, but sure enough, they were on Alderman St. in 1940. It wasn’t a house, though. Instead, it appeared to be an apartment building, based on all the other names listed at the same address. It doesn’t seem to exist nowadays when I looked at the area via satellite. Now there are just a couple of two-family houses, so it was probably a very old building that has since been torn down.

I don’t think my parents owned a place till I was born. Maybe the house Nana and Pa lived in next to us at that time in Longmeadow was also their first owned home, who knows? I just know that while I’ll never have the money they did, I didn’t have to spend any of my youth in an apartment.

The tenants were all white with one possible Hispanic or Italian tenant in the building. This doesn’t surprise me as the Puerto Rican boom didn’t really get underway till the 70s and 80s.

Pa worked at the exterminating company he would eventually own, making a grand a year and paying just $20 in rent. While that was still about 20% above normal wages for that time, he didn’t really start making a lot of money till probably around the 50s or 60s. Nana wasn’t working at the time which surprised me since they had a kid to care for and another one just a year or two away, but with that income and that rent, one could work for 3 easily enough. Pa worked full-time. Nana (I keep starting to call her Nane) had been a dance instructor and I guess like most women after they’ve had kids, her body went to hell and that was no longer an option for her.

Mom, whose name they spelled wrong, was 7 at the time the census interviewer interviewed Nana, but her bastard brother was yet to be born. Nana and Pa were both 30 and Pa was listed as an alien, LOL. Apparently, you didn’t have to apply for citizenship right away like you do now. It’s still both strange and fascinating to know my grandparents spoke German and Russian and I didn’t even know it, though Russian’s never been a language I’ve had any interest in learning. Then again, neither was German till Tom read that article and then I met Nane online (that time I meant to say Nane with an e at the end). I wonder what Nana would think if she knew one of her 5 grandkids would learn Spanish and other languages that did not include Hebrew or Yiddish? I suppose that’d be nothing as opposed to learning that one of them would be predominantly lesbian.;) looks towards the heavens Yes, Nana, that woman who helped inspire me to learn German is hot as hell!

Also, I was damn proud of myself for being able to understand most of the German lines in the movie I watched last night! Yeah, I’m such an “accomplished loser.” Can’t drive, can’t keep a schedule, but I can learn lots of languages and write lots of books, LOL.

I think Pa might’ve changed his last name upon entering the US to the very common and generic last name he had to escape the shit that went with having a Jewish last name like my very German/Hebrew maiden name. Hell, it’s amazing what I’ve learned since I apparently didn’t even know the guy’s first name. I’ve always known him as Jack, but he was listed as John. Tom said Jack was usually a nickname for John, but I’ve never heard that before. How do you get Jack from John???

Papa was like my dad, mellow and likable. Nana, on the other hand, was much like my mom. In other words, she was a domineering bitch. I had a few chubby spells as a kid and I remember her taunting me about it, saying that one day I wouldn’t be able to fit through the doorway. Funny thing too, since she was so big herself. I’ll never be a fraction of the size she was. I sure hope not anyway! Well, I certainly can never be tall, but she was kind of tallish like maybe my sister’s height at 5’ 7”, a few inches taller than my mom. She had to be at least 200 pounds. Unlike Pa, who had blue-gray eyes, she had brown eyes. I only knew her as a blond, though she was a natural brunette.

I wonder why they never retired to someplace like Florida like so many older folks seem to do. They certainly could’ve afforded it. Maybe they just didn’t want to leave the business (now in their son’s hands) and their friends and family. Despite how negative and mean Nana could be, I do sometimes miss her and my jovial grandfather. A part of me hopes there is such a thing as reuniting with loved ones in the afterlife, but I won’t count on it. I guess we won’t know for sure what happens until we die. Anyway, they both died in 1985 just 6 months apart at age 75.

How did they manage to have kids 8-9 years apart in a time when BC didn’t exist? Pa must’ve either refrained from letting the damn burst or pulled the plug just in time for the eruption if he didn’t. Probably did a little cycle counting too, as I’m pretty sure they at least knew back then which days were most dangerous to play around on.

I didn’t know my other grandmother as well, but I do know she quit narking on me real fast about smoking and things like that when she came to live with us after her second husband died in California and she got to learn what life with Dureen was all about.

Another peek from the troll today, but this time she wasn’t even in my blog for a minute. Still no posts from her and I still don’t get it. How can she suddenly have this amazing self-control? Some new medication for crazy people? Is her mother sitting there physically controlling her online actions? Something else?

MONDAY, APRIL 9, 2012 Tried to block the troll, who spent over an hour on my blog today but has yet to start blogging again herself, but it wouldn’t work. Maybe that’s a good thing, though, for to block her is to acknowledge her existence, and she’d only get a friend to help her override the block anyway.

Still, her views are picking up in frequency and I worry she’ll go from merely being a peeping Tom to a genuine nuisance again. If there is any good in my tracking subscription expiring in June and not being worth paying to renew, it’s that old adage about ignorance being bliss. In some ways, this is very true. :)

I wish Thoughts had the “whisper” feature MO has so I could make certain sentences or paragraphs private that I’d prefer to keep private so I didn’t have to make the entire entry private. I guess in this case I’ll just let it all be seen. Didn’t want her reading my thoughts on her (that’s a form of acknowledgment, isn’t it?) but I also don’t want to feel held back from speaking my mind in my own journal either. I suppose I could make this entry ‘friends only’. But yeah, Thoughts needs to come up with that, a handy archive, a working search feature, and a way to allow for anonymous comments so people who don’t want to sign up can still leave comments.

Anyway, I went ahead and blocked the troll’s accounts here, figuring it’s only a matter of time before the unwanted contact starts up again. All the sites I use that she knows about shouldn’t be Googlable with the way I have them set up, and she shouldn’t be able to contact me there either. The only place I could be contacted is on Twitter (which I’m considering deactivating since I so rarely use it) but I wouldn’t know it cuz I never remember to check for tweets from those I’m not following. You have to be a friend of a friend’s in order to message or friend me on Facebook, so that doesn’t leave much else. Hopefully, though, she has nothing to say to me anyway. And, until and if she returns to her old online behavior, kudos to her, Mrs. M, or whoever/whatever has had her so well-behaved lately. I’m impressed. Really I am. :) Let’s hope she keeps breaking records!

Later…

My friend Paul (who sometimes goes by Mitch) is so funny at times. I guess the poor guy got bit by a dog and hit his finger with a mallet all in the same day, along with other shit. He said he’d be E flat demented if he were a musical chord, LOL. Hey, I’m Z sharp-minded!

I thought that the spotting was going to stop yesterday but it’s still going on. It’s been a week now. Is it ever going to stop?

Nothing from Nane today. I guess she’s still busy with the paperwork and the bedroom renovation. I dreamt I told her of the old “No Postage Necessary” game Andy and I used to play. I told her for real in a message and ended up making it a dream premonition, LOL.

I’m getting tired of finding bees and wasps in a couple of the windows here. Tom sprayed but it didn’t seem to help. When I got up at 5pm it was to find a pile of ants on the kitchen table. Definitely going to have to get better spray, though we’re about to go from being in shorts with the fans on and the windows open, to being bundled up against the cold rain for the next few days. Therefore, the windows won’t be open.

Andy says I complain too much. Yeah, maybe so, but if it’s worth complaining about, so what if it’s a little or a lot? Like the fact that lately, I’m noticing tweets on my Twitter timeline from people I’m not even following. They’re mostly from verified accounts of some sort.

Later…

Where I should be working on stories no one seems to want to buy, reading, working out, or cleaning, it seems all I want to do is blog.

I have failed many things in life but am looking forward to what the future may hold. For what seemed like forever, there was no future that I could see. Things only seemed bleak and hopeless. I may continue to be denied many things I’d like to have in life, but I do enjoy what I am “allowed” to indulge in. Sometimes it’s those little things that matter more than the big things. Big things of a positive kind are always nice, but sometimes just knowing I have little things to look forward to makes me all the more glad we survived the storm. After the storm, you tend to appreciate the little things more and in some ways, they become big things. A kiss from my husband. The sound of the rain pitter-pattering on the roof. A message from my cyber GF. A compliment on my writing. Sunlight streaming through the window, casting intricate patterns on the carpet. A stick of bubble gum. A stick of patchouli incense. A hopeless wish that a rattlesnake would crawl up from underneath our old house in the desert and forever silence the landlord’s dogs up the hill, even if he would only go out and get two new dogs that very day.

Thought I heard a cat meowing close by when I was in the bathroom. There are cats that hang around here. We’ve seen them. I just don’t know if they’re stray cats or if they belong to someone.

I miss having a pet, though cats aren’t usually my first choice. Even if you get them declawed they still scratch you with their back claws and are even harder to keep out of things than rats. Rats can really get around, don’t get me wrong. Especially when they’re young and thin. They climb drapes and can be found everywhere and anywhere when you let them loose until you train them. But cats jump much higher than rats and are great at jumping on counters, tables and other furniture, knocking shit around and not giving a shit when you yell at them for it. But cats still aren’t all bad.

Although I hate barking, a dog still appeals to me for several reasons and I like the fact that they live a helluva lot longer than rats. I just don’t know if I’d want a small, medium or large dog. Since I would want it as a household pet, for the most part, I guess I’d go with a small one.

Many years ago back in Arizona, one of Tom’s family members got us a parakeet for Christmas. I thought it was really cool at first. The next day I stormed out of bed and told Tom that if they ever got us any such thing ever again he would learn what it was like to stand in the middle of a hailstorm of feathers. No offense to bird lovers out there! :)

I guess I’ll go try to resurrect “Bunny Nose.” I’ll have to read back on the last few chapters, though, since it’s been a while since I worked on that story.

SUNDAY, APRIL 8, 2012 I created my original Thoughts blog through Facebook. Then, as suggested to me by a friend, I created the hiddendimension account to try to thwart Molly. That’s how I came up with the username; I was trying to hide from this loon who has since quit pestering and slandering me and a few of my friends. I don’t know why she’s suddenly ceased this behavior. I’m only grateful for it for however long it lasts. Especially since I’m, well, not such a hidden dimension anymore, LOL. At least 3 people that I know of have found this blog on their own since, as I’ll readily admit, I’m not a very good liar. Therefore, I can’t hide very well. In order to hide, I’d have to literally change my style of writing, change names, change blog style formats, and change the topics I write about altogether. I would literally have to be a whole new person with a whole new life. I could not speak 5 languages or love rats for pets or be a married, childless, middle-aged woman in the woods who loves to build muscle and write.

Yet I am only good at being myself. So even though I did alter first names for a while, I’m a dead giveaway and a very unhidden dimension at best. Some people can do it, but I was never any good at spicing things up other than in stories any more than I was ever good at sugarcoating the bad things I feel or experience. I’m a tell-it-like-it-is kind of gal. When I was 10 years old, then I could tell you I was bionic and came from another planet with an absolutely wonderful and loving family. Hell, I could tell you about just any line of bullshit out there until I was grounded for it and maybe even slapped around a bit, too.

But I’m not 10 years old and I don’t speak just one language either. I really do have a driving phobia, but I can write stories and dress things up there really well. It’s automatic denial for most of those who don’t get something in particular, especially if it’s not very common, but I really do have a sleep disorder and I just adore rats. While I wish I could say that for me it isn’t that bad, my landlord really does get obnoxious as hell at times, and I really do love incense, perfume and anything else that smells good. I’m shitty with numbers but great with words. Really, I am.

I was surprised but pleased to see Maliheh on my tracking log today. I warned her too, that even though only I could see her, I would be able to track visitors with cookies till June 18th. So she is alive and she is getting my messages. She’s just chosen, for whatever reason, not to keep in touch very often.

“Hidden Dimension” is still appropriate for someone like me in a whole ‘nother way. Like whatever these places are that I visit in my dreams that often seem so damn real. Are my dreams just that vivid or am I really entering some other plane when I see, hear and learn things that are actually true or end up becoming a reality in the future? The prospect of sleep has become both scary and exciting. I enter this other dimension and I don’t know why or how. And where it is? Where? We’re all supposed to be able to access this dimension, this other plane of knowledge, insight and existence; I just seem to do a better job of tapping into it than most folks for some reason. I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised. It’s the things most people aren’t good at that I’m good at and vice versa.

As I sit here missing my daddy and my ratty, I realize my body is no longer desert-ready. 82° used to be perfect for me and was what we usually kept our houses at back down in Arizona, but now 82° is a bit warm which is what it is in this room right now. Where I’ll never like the cold, even though I grew up in a cold climate, I’m definitely now more moderate-climate ready. If I were suddenly in the desert or Florida it would take me a year or so to re-adapt to the constant heat, but since the body does have memory, that’s all it would take. The first time around, when I first moved to Arizona, it took 5-6 years to get acclimated to the intense heat. I know I’ll never live in the desert again. I won’t even visit it. But I don’t know if I’ll always live in the area I’m in now. My dreams suggest I won’t, but right now life is going too well for us to disturb or alter it in any way other than where we live.

Off to enjoy the last of the weekend before my hubby crashes, then looking forward to hearing from Nane tomorrow. :)

SATURDAY, APRIL 7, 2012 I guess I can start this entry in between my cheese-filled chicken rings and even though I’m tired from having my sleep split up again. How much longer is this shit going to go on?

Jesse stayed home last night and kept his mutts quiet, thus allowing me the right to enjoy a movie in peace. So I watched late into the night and then crashed between 3am - 4am. After waking up cold a few times, I finally dragged my ass out of bed at 8am and turned the heat up. Tom was at the store.

I don’t know why but these airbeds are like lying on a bed of ice, and apparently the pillow sham I had underneath the sheet wasn’t enough. It was still cold in the room, but lying back down on the bed was also still like lying on an ice rink. So I lay there pissed off and unable to go back to sleep till Tom got back an hour later. He brought in a couple of space blankets made of Mylar which is used in space to insulate spaceships and things like that. He’d gotten them up in Oregon in case he ever got stranded in the bitter cold, which is way worse than New England. The stuff looks like tin foil but feels like cellophane. It crinkles loudly when you first lay down and get settled in. But it does seem to help hold in body heat and block the coldness below. These airbeds are great for warmer climates and in June I’ll remove the space blanket.

I asked Andy if he ever noticed how cold they feel to lay on and he said no, but he was living in the desert at the time he had one. Not even an ice cube seems cold in the desert with the way it’s always so hot there! But for some reason, your body heat won’t warm the damn things and so that’s why I need something between the sheet and mattress with sufficient insulation for when it’s cooler. I do not want to go back to memory foam that messes up my back.

Around 11am, I was just drifting off again when I was aware of Jesse roaring out on the motorcycle since I didn’t have the sound machine turned up as loud as I usually do. Yes, this one person who lives close to 200’ away is that loud. He may as well be just a few yards like our Phoenix neighbors were.

Then it was on to strange dreams. I usually sleep with the stereo speakers blaring white noise created by an off-dialed radio station. In the dream, the speakers started talking. I rose from the bed, confused. Then I realized it was Andy leaving a voice message that was somehow playing through the speakers when it shouldn’t have (and never does in real life). He kept going on and on, though I don’t know what he was saying. I just wished he would shut the fuck up because I couldn’t figure out how to silence him and I wanted to get back to bed, as I’m sure he’ll get a kick out of reading, LOL.

Then my mother comes on in the worst voice I ever heard her speak in, saying to call her back cuz she didn’t feel so well. Naturally, this dream made me wonder if something new has gone wrong for her, though I doubt it since I never even had dreams warning me about Dad’s death. I would still think my mom has a few years left in her anyway because she doesn’t have the type of condition dad had that you can only do so much to control. What conditions she did have were taken care of. The cancerous lung was removed and so was the cancerous breast. But you can’t remove a bum ticker.

I’m too tired to write any more now, so I’ll call this an entry and go relax in bed now that the household cleaning is done for the day. Maybe next time around I’ll sleep straight through. Maybe.

Later…

I wonder if I will “see” the next place we’ll live at before we actually do see it. I saw bits and pieces of the last two places in dreams. I kept dreaming of the woods and saw myself looking out the window through binoculars in another dream, and then we ended up here. I saw chain-link fences and white picket fences, which ended up surrounding parts of the dump we rented in Oregon, though I misplaced the driveway. I “saw” it on the left side of the house but it was really on the right. And the house was pale yellow, not cream.

To my utter astonishment, there’s been no barking tonight or last night. Wow! Wonder what I did to deserve that much? Spot for 5 days instead of 3? I was looking up the possible causes of mid-cycle spotting and they say it usually lasts 12-72 hours. Then why am I leaning toward 120? Either way, I don’t know if Jesse stayed in all weekend or if someone else is there to keep the mutts in line, but I’m glad for the peace and quiet. It serves those of us with writer’s block quite nicely who want to waste time watching movies instead. Then again, even I deserve a good movie here and there, don’t I? Started reading another great book on my Kindle too, but it’s not very long.

Tom’s been complaining that I scream when I talk and maybe I’m losing more hearing and that’s why I’m doing that and blasting music. rolls eyes Yeah, right. That’s why I can practically hear Jesse pick his nose. God would never damage the hearing in my good ear, ever. How else could He sic one noisy neighbor after another on me if I couldn’t hear them? I’ve always blasted music. I’ve always talked kind of loud too, but I’m NOT SCREAMING! I think he just has sensitive ears. :)

Still, I don’t like the way he’s been snapping at me more lately, and well, just seemingly not happy with me anymore. I hope it’s all in my head. I know he’s got a lot going on, but that’s just life. I just feel so useless at times! If I could drive he wouldn’t have to take time out of his weekend to run errands like grocery shopping, picking up mail, bringing cans in to be recycled, etc. God, I feel so worthless, weak and abnormal at times!

I felt bad for him earlier. Not that I’m not happy for those who have good things, especially if they deserve them, but to learn we’re still “poor” even though we’re not is not only unfair and kind of sad, but it’s so us. Meaning, it’s so what God would see was the case for us. Anyway, I’ve been told either directly or through reading conversations on Facebook and other sites that some people I know or know of are making 50K and up. I feel happy for them but sad for Tom. Although it seemed kind of far out, I realized these people didn’t seem like the type to lie or exaggerate about that sort of thing and so I did a little research. For some reason, I thought the national median was 24K and I guess that was the case 20 years ago, LOL, but times have changed. Now it’s 45K - 65K. Don’t get me wrong, having the money to get by is the most important, #1 thing. But I still couldn’t help but feel bad for Tom, who’s worked longer and harder than most, and who’s smarter and more deserving than most. Yet he’ll probably never make it to 40K. Hell, the poor guy wouldn’t even hit 30K if it weren’t for OT. It’s not fair that he’s not even halfway to the national average and that we’re still the underdogs of sorts even when we’re not. I guess all I can do is just be glad for what we’ve got and that we’re not still on unemployment. Some income is better than none and none was exactly what we had for one terrifying week or so last fall.

Well, we might get shit for an inheritance and shit for pension payments that are due to kick in in a couple of months, but I sure am looking forward to returning to sweeping. But not till we move. UPS Stores don’t forward mail and I certainly don’t want anything good coming here. Just because I entered certain sweeps now doesn’t mean I’d know I was the winner or receive the prize before we got out of here. These things can take months. Nonetheless, when the time comes I look forward to at least trying to win, but times have changed there too, and I may be up against a quarter-million people just for a lousy T-shirt.

FRIDAY, APRIL 6, 2012 I was so glad to hear from my Ohio buddy today. :) I was getting a little curious and even concerned as to what was up with her. But when oh when will I hear from my southeastern buddy???

Anyway, I don’t know what the hell’s going on with Maliheh, but Christine has been both sad and busy. Sad over losing her cat, but busy with life and getting a promotion. She’s almost at 60K a year! Damn, I can’t imagine Tom ever making even 40K, especially if I’m right about something being determined to hold us back financially. Even when we’re doing “well” there’s still not enough money for the things we’d like to have and do. We’d like to pay the fucking IRS off. We’d like to be able to get things we need/want at the new place as soon as we get moved. But it will probably take years to do all this. Better later than never, though.

I had to laugh at how Christine said that they’re 5 people crammed into a 1-bedroom apartment like Chinese immigrants. And I feel like I’m living like an 18-year-old! Then again, even most 18-year-olds and college kids live better than we do.

The weather’s been what it usually is – warm days, cold nights. I wish it would be more stable (preferably on the warm side) because it’s better for sleeping. Depending on my schedule, I hate going to sleep bundled up against the cold only to wake up sweating my ass off later on, but I know the bulk of it is cuz we live in a trailer with shit for insulation. The place cools down and heats up very easily.

Wow! I’ve already been up 3 hours yet I only had to hear from the Jes pest twice so far today. Even in the bathroom with the door shut and the shower spray pounding on my head I could hear that damn truck of his over 100’ away. He stopped driving the damn thing for a while. What made him decide to go back to it? Did he think he was being too quiet for me? Anyway, I’m sure I’ll hear him 4-6 more times before it gets dark. Plus, tonight, tomorrow night or both, I’ll be hit with 6-8 hours of barking. At least that’s easier to drown out than his thunderous trucks and motorcycles. I could feel the vibration of it under my ass as I sat on the floor with music blaring through headphones the other day.

Anyway, life’s pretty much a waiting game for us right now – hoping things continue to go well and hoping to move soon enough. Even if things could go well forever, I still don’t think I could ever forgive God, or whatever’s up there that had a hand in the catastrophes I’ve had to go through in life with or without my husband, because they were simply too huge and too numerous. Some bad things are to be expected in life and if there’s any good in them it makes us appreciate the good times even more. But when things get so damn extreme we often have nightmares to go with that gratitude. “Aw, come on,” some people may tell me, “forgive God. It’s over.”

But it’s not over. I’m the one who has to live with the nightmares and the horrible memories for the rest of my life, and I don’t mean just any childhood hell I went through. Last fall I felt like I was literally being dangled by an ankle from a steep cliff or a tall building by some sick fuck that said, “Maybe I’ll drop you and maybe I won’t.” Then after days of terrorizing me, he may not have decided to drop me, but he sure did turn me into one scarred-for-life angry bitch. So even if I could forgive, I could never forget. There are a lot of things I could forgive and forget but my childhood trauma, being legally railroaded, then pushed to the edge like we were last fall isn’t a good example of what’s easy for me to forgive and forget. BUT… you do learn to move on and cope with time after speaking your mind about these things and getting them off your chest. I’ve said my piece. I’ve moved on. But I will never forget. The fact that something up there toyed with our lives and our very survival last fall and that in itself is pretty damn scary. You fear that if it can happen once it can happen again, and that it opens the door for an endless supply of horrifying possibilities.

It really annoys the fuck outa me when people say they’ll buy my books but never do. I’ve totally given up as far as that goes. Totally.

But even more annoying is that I had more dreams that seemed a bit too jailish and courtish. It seemed to revolve around that anyway, and even though the black bitch’s name was never mentioned or anything pertaining to “the case,” my dream self seemed to automatically know she was involved. Who else would be? Who else have I gone to court for since the early 90s? The last one was for Andrea and Stacey and they didn’t win.

Anyway, in the dream, I was leaving what I guess was the police station after being fingerprinted. I glanced back at a blow-up shot they were studying on a monitor of these strange red lines in my eyes. I started to ask what the lines were when one of the pigs asked something like why they hadn’t seen me before, and was I just new there or what?

Then I was reading what was either a discovery report or what the DA planned to say about me in court. “And then Shadow Gardens was later discovered” was one line that made me think they had been keeping an eye on me all along after all, even though I have no such journal entry or book called Shadow Gardens or Shadow of Gardens or whatever the hell it was.

I just wish I could stop having these dreams! I hope they mean nothing more than to say that sadly, the pigs are still wasting time and resources looking at what I’m up to as opposed to going after murderers, rapists and true criminals who actually do things to harm others.

Later…

I totally skipped out on both dieting and exercising today and enjoyed a burger and fries from Carl’s Jr. So about 1000 calories in just one sitting!

Wild turkeys and deer have been roaming around the land. Of course the bees are continuing to break in too, so tomorrow Tom’s going to spray. The rains have since washed away any leftover residue from the last time he sprayed.

I hope Jesse doesn’t go out tonight. There’s a new movie I’d really like to see and I would rather watch it without all the barking in the background. If not I guess I’ll have to wait till tomorrow or Sunday. sighs But someday I’ll get to live where barking isn’t an issue, right?

THURSDAY, APRIL 5, 2012 I tried to will myself to stay under 1200 calories yesterday but went a little over. Like most people, I have my strengths, weaknesses and limits. Well, I just don’t have the kind of will and discipline with dieting as I do with exercising, but my weight hasn’t fluctuated much.

Not sure why I still get sore muscles and joints at times, even with the fish oil supplements. Haven’t I been working out long enough for my muscles to be used to this shit? Then again they only get sore when I run at 5 MPH. I should keep it at 4 MPH, I suppose. Less impact that way. It’s just that that’s gotten a little too easy the more I’ve gotten into shape and I feel the need to challenge myself a bit. There’s no way I could sustain 5 MPH for very long, though. Not yet anyway.

It’s the afternoon so the landlord’s doing what he does best – annoying me with the loud vehicles. Thought I heard him talking when I stepped outside, though I couldn’t tell if it was to someone on the phone or in person. Probably in person since he seems to be like most people with the daily company. Again, I hope the next people are a real nightmare with company galore, late-night parties, etc. I hope they too, live outdoors so they can show him what it’s like to have to hear from others all the time. I hope they have a dog that wakes him up, and well, I could go on and on but I won’t. I’ll just say that we didn’t even hear a tiny fraction from Kim, the young lady who lived just an arm’s reach away from us up in Oregon, as opposed to this little bastard who’s over 100’ away.

For some reason, I’ve been waking up every day for a week now after just 4-5 hours of sleep. I didn’t think I’d be able to fall back asleep this morning, but I did after about an hour of just lying there. A disturbing dream woke me up this time but since no harm was done, I’d say it’s nothing to worry about.

While Tom waited in the car at an intersection, I was looking for the best spot on a nearby sidewalk of all places to place our dirty laundry till we were ready to wash it. Then I heard shouts and glanced over at Tom to find a cluster of bullies approaching the car. The leader, a tall, thin, wiry blond kid in his late teens or early 20s held a scythe in a menacing way as if he were about to smash in the driver’s window. I wanted to attack him, but didn’t think that was a good idea since he had 5 or 6 friends in tow. So, thinking quickly I called out to him pretending to be in pain. It worked, cuz they all looked my way. Clutching my stomach I moved closer to them and saw that the scythe had turned into just a regular household spatula. I said, “I think I may have a bout of appendicitis coming on. Let me see if I can get this guy to get me to the hospital.” I woke up making a run for the passenger door.

Later…

Damn! Amber was in again looking to see if I made my blog public. Well, just as soon as I get the rest of Maliheh’s cat drafts out of there, I’ll set it to public with one post giving my thoughts.com link.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 4, 2012 Most people who think of what could have been are often filled with regret. Not me. I’m nothing but grateful that what could have been the case a couple of days ago wasn’t the case at all. :)

My mother, on the other hand, is having a really shitty time of it. Not only is she understandably depressed since dad’s passing less than 6 weeks ago, but she fell and broke her ankle both inside and outside.

When I first called I asked if she got the message I left over the weekend, but she hadn’t gotten it. Then I told her about losing the rat and filled her in on Tom. When I asked how she’d been, that’s when she finally hinted something was wrong and called for Tammy to get on the phone. As soon as I realized she was there again, I thought uh-oh.

Despite the shitty circumstances, though, we had a nice talk. At one point I said I hoped she didn’t have to deal with the pervert, meaning my brother, then asked if Mom was still on the other phone. She said she didn’t think so, so we talked on for about 10 minutes and I got a kick out of how she said they’d tax you just to use the bathroom in Connecticut since that state’s taxes have gotten so outrageous.

Then out pops mom to say she was going to hang up now and let us keep chatting.

Oops.

So she heard me call her son a pervert and say that she really oughta get rid of the store and may not be able to live alone much longer. But as Tammy said, she won’t get rid of the store till she’s ready to because that’s basically all she has left. I can understand her wanting to have something.

I let them know I’d fly out if need be (even if I don’t want to see people I don’t want to see), though I realize there’s not much I could do. I don’t drive, I don’t know the area, and how much housekeeping could there be with a 79-year-old woman with a broken ankle?

Anyway, Dad would have been turning 81 tomorrow had he still been alive, so that’s got to be rough on her. And as always, I have mixed emotions about her. I feel bad for her. She’s only human and so am I. But at the same time, this is the woman who caused me, both directly and not, so much grief for me for so many years.

What were the parents of poor “Zelpha” thinking when they named their daughter Zelpha of all things prior to the 1940s? I like unique names, but not those that sound like another planet!

So I’m a quarter Russian and a quarter Austrian and I didn’t even know it. Yeah, it’s amazing what one can learn after so many years. Since they released the 1940s census records online (where Tom met Zelpha when he was checking Iowa’s records) I learned that both my grandfathers were born in other countries. My maternal grandfather was born in Russia and came to the US at age 4. My paternal grandfather was born in Austria and came over when he was 3. That explains my German maiden name, which is a combo (as many German words are) for “pale stone.” Wish I knew my great-grandparents’ names. I’d love to look them up as well and see where they’re from.

I was just about to say that it’s been a nice, quiet day (even though I didn’t get up till noon), but here we go with the gunning of that loud, obnoxious truck I’m so sick of listening to every day. And why so late in the day? It’s like something up there is making sure he puts his racket off till later due to my schedule. And the sucky thing about it staying lighter later is that this guy, who lives outdoors every minute that he can, can be outside fiddling with things and annoying me for longer than he could in December.

Our nice but incompetent propane guy came today and gave us what I hope is our last 100 gallons. We only put up with him cuz we like the savings we get with this guy versus other companies. I asked what happened to delay him and he said his eye doctor dilated his eyes yesterday with those drops that make your vision blurry. Well, that doesn’t explain where he was on Monday, but we’re glad he got out here, even if we probably would’ve been ok till next week. Meanwhile, I appreciated the compliments (even if I’d rather hear them from my special buddy) about my youthful and fit appearance. Yeah, I’m getting there and proud of it. :) It’s taken a lot of hunger and hard work. But I’m still a work in progress with a lot more work to do.

Oh no, not again! Just when I thought he’d shut up for the night, here goes that incredibly loud truck again. Landlord or not, I’m about ready to call up there and tell him enough’s enough already! We’re the ones paying, after all. This has gone on for nearly an hour now. I wish I was as noise-tolerant as Tom!

I had some spotting last night which I hope doesn’t become a regular thing. I ran and checked and saw that it was exactly two weeks after my period. I have heard that ovulation can cause spotting but it’s only happened to me once or twice before.

I’m surprised to say I’m surprised not to have heard from Nane yesterday, though she did “like” a wall post of mine. She’s still busy renovating her bedroom anyway and I’m sure work must be hectic for her.

The troll peeked in on me today. Made about 8 page views but still no entries of her own. I don’t get it. I just don’t get it.

TUESDAY, APRIL 3, 2012 I had a dream about Tink that seemed amazingly real. Enough to make me wonder if it was really just a dream. I mean I know it was just a dream. But was it a “regular” dream or was it Tink’s way of visiting me? In the dream, I never saw the rat’s belly to see if there was a bright white splotch on it like Tink had, but he was very dark brown. I don’t think we ever had a rat as dark as Tink was. I don’t know where I was in the dream but it seemed like I was lying down relaxing somewhere. The rat was curled up on my chest and it seemed that time had passed in the dream. Like over an hour. I was surprised the rat could go that long without having to run home for a drink, to pee, or a bite to eat. Next thing I knew the rat was running around playfully by my side and jumping up to nibble affectionately on my chin, something he used to do in real life. My dream self wondered if it was Tink come back to life and he scurried off as I was trying to guess what rat it could be – Tink, some other rat, or a future rat.

There probably isn’t an afterlife and it probably was just a dream, but when I woke up I remembered Andy saying that spirits couldn’t “do” anything for the first few days. Well, Tink’s been gone since Friday, and people like me are wide open to psychic forces and experiences. When you’re one of those who can tap into dimensions most people don’t seem to be able to tap into, even though we’re all supposed to have that ability, it makes you wonder at times.

The propane people were supposed to come yesterday but they never did. As far as I know, they never even called Tom’s cell to offer an excuse as to why. And so I’m hoping they’ll come today and also wondering how far is far enough? Really, how far do our neighbors have to be before they’re no longer an annoyance? I didn’t even make it to noon in peace today. By 9:30 Jesse started up with the racket – hammering, running power tools – and zooming in and out on the motorcycle.

I am sooo glad we’re getting out of here in a few months! Instead of getting used to his shit over time, I’m only getting more fed up. Maybe some would disagree with me, but I should NOT have to have sound machines on out in the country, and I should NOT have to know about it every time this little shit comes and goes! So again, how far is far enough? Or is there no such thing if you’re me? Well, if I’m so destined to have to hear it no matter where we go, I look forward to doing it in a house with adequate space instead of this little old dump with a landlord who’s living in the 1800s. He doesn’t do TV, he doesn’t do sports, he doesn’t do relationships, he doesn’t do computers; all he does is live outdoors and drive me crazy! Makes me wish it would rain again. But the weather’s going to be nice all week which means I’ll have to either throw on sound machines or listen to him hammering all fucking week. Like I said, after 20 years of this “noise curse” it’s obvious that my neighbors are going to be a nuisance whether they’re a few feet away or a few hundred feet away.

I should be sleeping through most of Jesse’s antics by now, but my schedule is actually backing up instead of rolling forward like usual. I’ve gone from getting up at 10:00 to 8:15 to 7:30 where I should’ve slept till 2pm today. I know myself, though, so tonight I’ll probably sleep 12 hours to play catch-up which means I’ll probably sleep till noon tomorrow. Of course I’ll have to sleep with the sound machine blaring really loud so the morning hammering session doesn’t wake me up. I’m amazed I was even awake enough to work out today, though I only ran 15 minutes and burned 150 calories. Did some lifting, too.

MONDAY, APRIL 2, 2012 I gained back 3 of the 4 pounds I lost thanks to a bag of Jelly Belly’s on Saturday and a stint at KFC on Sunday, but it was worth it. I’ll only run it back off over the week anyway.

It’s going to be warm today so I turned the heat off and am going to get my running out of the way after I post this.

Anyway, some people have been curious, so to clarify the curiosity, I’m not an atheist. An Atheist are those who do not believe there is a God. I’m more agnostic because I just don’t know. I haven’t seen anything with my own two eyes to convince me there is a God, but I haven’t been convinced that there isn’t a God either. I simply do not know.

It was nice hearing from Nane this morning. She’s busy at work now as the first of the month is when they’re at their busiest, and is redecorating her bedroom. The way she talks of repainting and redoing the wallpaper and all that makes me think she owns and doesn’t rent. Still, it’s another reason to be glad we’re not neighbors as hot as she is, LOL. She says she probably won’t be online for a few days but will share a picture when it’s all done. She’s going from dark peach to light cream, I guess, to make the room seem larger. She’s also super happy for Tom and I.

I’ve never been a fan of dark colors in general. I like pastels or neons, but because I like to sleep in total darkness, a midnight blue or deep purple bedroom might be ideal.

Either way, the decorating has always been up to me. Tom has never worn the pants in that department, LOL, and as I love to remind him, he doesn’t even wear a shirt!

Still nothing from Maliheh and I don’t want to go asking and whining about why I haven’t heard from her in so long. If my suspicions are right about her, that’d be what she’d want.

Later…

Let’s see…Jesse drove me crazy earlier, the propane people will be here today, and it looks like I’m going to get through the first business day of April without any pig shit. New quarter, new worries. But like I said before, I will make them suffer more than they could ever make me suffer should they decide to fuck with me in person. Unfortunately, there are still 28 more days in the month. After all, they didn’t stick their nose in my Google info till the 18th of October, and they waited till the 9th of January to email me if it was really them. Don’t know the point in pulling a piggy impersonation, though, other than just to scare me till I called the pigs, as they hoped, only to be told they had no information for me. Real pigs or not, if I can get to May without hearing anything I’ll breathe a lot easier.

I swear I even had a dream last night where she was apologizing to me. LOL, nothing she’d dare do even with a gun held to her head or an offer of a million dollars.

Later…

You know how I have a million reasons to resent God and be pissed at Him? Well, I’m actually thanking the hell out of Him right now. It doesn’t undo the past, but you see, if he hadn’t gotten that job, TODAY would’ve been his last day! Yup, the would-be lay-off. Right now I’d be miserable and crying tears of frustration. Instead, I’m nearly in tears of gratitude. Had he been laid off we could’ve been stuck here indefinitely depending on how long it took him to find another job and what it paid. Others were laid off today. He could’ve been one of them, but something looked out for us for once, though Tom is a very good worker who proved himself worthy of being hired.

His new shift is going to be 10am - 6:30pm. He’s very happy with those hours. Less traffic but that still leaves mornings open, and for some things, evenings as well. Sometimes I wonder if it’s my dad looking out for us and not God. Why all of a sudden? Less than 6 weeks after my dad dies something suddenly seems to care about us. Whatever it is, I’m just glad he wasn’t one of the ones to be axed! I’d be all pissed, bummed out and stressed out as Tom scurried to apply for unemployment and food subsidies yet again. It would have ended up draining our savings to supplement what it didn’t cover, etc.

Can’t wait to find out if he gets a raise and what it may be. The supervisor put in for him to get a raise but because he has the same job title, he may not. I’m just glad he didn’t get laid off and that today wasn’t the shitty day it could’ve been!

I’m also glad he’s finally getting the recognition and the pay he deserves. A $600 biweekly unemployment check was not what he deserved for 28 months.

SUNDAY, APRIL 1, 2012 Tom and I are enjoying a relaxing Sunday. We went to KFC earlier. I ate every bite of my delicious chicken, biscuit, corn and cheesy mac. It was sad not to be able to share some with the rat. He loved the mac and the biscuits and nibbling on chicken bones.

The airbed is too cold and the memory foam is too hot. Right now I have the memory foam on top of the airbed during this cold spell. And yes, it’s messing with my back again. As soon as it warms back up and the rain stops we’ll switch back.

So all that vehicle work I had to listen to when we were burying our pet was to make the old truck as loud as it used to be so he could annoy me further by gunning the damn thing for 10-15 minutes every time he takes off? Wonder how long this is going to go on. I sooo hope and pray that if we get into an adult community we don’t have loud vehicles that people gun and run for-effing-ever right next door, cuz remember, we’ll be going back to having neighbors just an arm’s length away.

Been making an awful lot of errors and typos lately in my journal. Andy’s been kind enough to point them out to me, but I’m guessing it’s the Mac’s built-in reader which isn’t nearly as realistic-sounding as the one I’d been using in Windows. But they don’t have a Mac version. So for now I’ve slowed down the Mac reader and maybe then I’ll be able to catch these things.

Later…

I guess now’s a good time to write about the disturbing dreams I had last night even though my inner right wrist hurts. I’m guessing it’s a muscle strain from working out.

Seeing that it’s now April and a new quarter, I really hope the dreams didn’t mean anything. Especially since they were all “wrong.” It seemed like a public defender of sorts was telling me she felt confident she could get the case dismissed since there were more important things to tie up the courts for. My dream self seemed to understand it was a black bitch thing, though I was charged with threats and not spam. But then the “courthouse” suddenly had a buffet. Mom and Andy were there, and then it was going through my mind that I was being charged with threatening Maliheh and not the black bitch.

There was also something about me having to wear a shower cap to sleep for a few nights (in jail?), and rehearsing in my head what I would say to the judge in my defense.

But there isn’t going to be a defense, I reminded myself when I woke up because I did nothing wrong.

But what did they frame me for? Come on, Arizona’s laws may be crazy, but sending her blogs was simply not enough. What did they do?

sighs They just better hope I never find out.

I realized another thing that suggests the pig might not have been a pig, though with my shit luck, it probably was. I know Arizona and I know the black bitch. She would go running to the pigs over a few harmless emails, and the pigs would make a big stink over it. If she were white and there was no history between us, then probably not. BUT… it does seem odd that I was emailed. I mean, who the hell tells someone they’ve made a case against them in an email? Maybe it’s a common practice if they can’t get hold of the person’s address or phone number, though I still don’t see why they couldn’t. It’s not like we ever tried to hide or anything, and there are several ways I’d think they’d be able to find either of our addresses. If anything I would’ve thought our physical address would be easier to find because it’s connected to our IP. Our UPS Store box isn’t.

Either way, there’s just some business you simply don’t conduct by email. Like big win notifications. Any legitimate company is going to call or contact you by postal mail. Sometimes they’ll email you, but not without calling and sending overnight letters in addition.

sighs again Hopefully this is another thing I’ll never know for sure.

[faghubby]

CHASTITY, Locktober

"You agreed that I would lock you up starting in October" She told me as I stood freshly shavednand naked except a tiny metal cage on my dick.

"Yes, but I didn't know you had bought a smaller one" Paul whined

"Now, stop that right now. It's not that much smaller" Heather told him. They had been playing around with male chastity for about six months. Paul had purchased a plastic devise that was about 3 inches in length. The new one was half that. Paul's record was 14 days. But they both had decided to try and do the whole month of October,

"Its too late now. October has started. Heather said pointing to the clock it was 12:01. She planned on getting every minute. Heather came up to him.

"Is it terribly uncomfortable?" She asked rubbing his balls.

"No, it actually doesn't pinch like the other one" he sighed not being able to stay mad at her.

"I got something else" she told him handing him a box. He opened it inside was a strapon dildo.

"Heather no" he told her.

"I know but after a month you may change your mind" She kissed him. He put on his little mens bikini underwear she liked him to wear. And went to bed. Paul woke several times in the night, when ever he was locked this always happened. He often just drifted back to sleep.

Paul had never confessed that he liked being locked most of the time. It helped him focus at work. Most would have thought the opposite but no, he kept his mind from wandering so that he wouldn't try and get an erection. The downside was when his focus was on sex it was uncomfortable and frustrating.

Heather started October off right. She got up and made Paul breakfast. When he walked in the kitchen she was naked. She placed his plate to the side and sat on the table.

"Come eat me for breakfast" She told him. He sat down and buried his face between her thighs. By the time he finished his food was cold and he was running late. Heather just danced away. Paul did good for the first two weeks. Heather had teased him everyday. And had him give her at least one orgasm everyday.

October 17th.

"OK, no more take it off" Paul begged

"You aren't the only one frustrated" Heather told him.

"Everyday" he scoffed.

"Its not the same, I haven't been fucked in weeks" Heather told him. She always managed to twist him.

"Well then take it off and we can both be satisfied." Paul told her

"No, we made a commitment we should push through" She told him. He took a cold shower. When he got out she had the box with the strapon in it out.

"That isn't going to happen." He told her.

"I know, I was wondering if you would wear it for me" She lifted the covers she was playing with herself. His crazy fetish was now denying her he thought. He nodded. Heather helped him strap it on. It was six inch and hot pink.

"Its so much bigger then yours" Heather teased. His was just under 5 inches. He fucked Heather better then he had in 20 years of marriage. He wasn't worried about coming to fast. Or his own pleasure he could just focus on her. Heather came twice. This was so hot she thought. He can't cum just focus on her.

Heather and Paul. Added the toy into the mix. Paul fucked her every three or four days with it.

October 25th

"I can't please" Paul was begging

"Your almost there baby" Heather told him. She rubbed his swollen balls. He calmed some as she continued to she felt naughty and slid her finger down against his hole. He said nothing. She pushed it in a little He moaned.

"Lyou like that" She asked sliding her finger in and out.

"It helps" he moaned again. She applied lube andnworked in a second finger. Cum started to ooze out of his locked penis. Paul just continued to make relief moans and groin. Cum was now just flowing down his balls. Heather didn't stop until he was empty. Then she licked his balls and cage clean.

Paul just laid there.

"All better" She asked all cute.

"Yeah" he smiled. And she kissed him. He tasted his cum on her lips but didn't stop her. We easily made it to Halloween after that. We had a party to attend. They went as a pilot and stewardess.

"Wow that is short" Paul commented on Heather's skirt. She just smiled and they left. Heather drew alot of attention. Most just harmless but my friend Nick kept flirting. At one point he put his hand on Heather's ass. She saw me notice but do nothing so she let him.

"Did you like Nick flirting with me? His hand massaging my ass?" She whispered in Paul's ear. "Is your little penis trying to get hard?" She teased. He just nodded.

"What if I sucked Nick's big cock?" She asked "felt it as he pushed against me"

"Take me home and fuck me now" Paul told her

"Three more hours" She told him. Nick came up and dragged Heather onto the dance floor. Paul watched from a corner as Nick's hands where all over her. He pictured Heather sucking Nick's cock. Then Nick fucking her. Heather broke away and found Paul again.

"You where watching" She teased

"Yes" Paul told her

"In front of all our friends?" She knew he was excited. "I am going to take Nick out behind the shed" She told him. And waited for Paul to stop her. He didn't. He followed them. Heather saw him. She dropped and pulled out Nick's cock as soon as they where behind the shed. Nick took out his phone and recorded it. Paul was thankful the light let him watch. Heather stopped and stood up. Nick pulled up her skirt and tore her panties pushing her against the shed. He fucked her. When he finished he just pulled up his pants and left her there.

Paul rushed to her side and helped her.

"We need to just go" Heather told him. He half carried her to the car. Once home Heather jumped in the shower. Paul was so turned on by tonight's events and that he was finally going to be unlocked. But when Heather came came out of the bathroom she was in flannel PJ'S. Not very sexy Paul thought but he didn't care.

"After what you let Nick do, you think you deserve to be unlocked?" Heather asked him. Paul was confused.

"You seemed to like it" he said.

"Oh I loved it, I haven't been fucked like that since I met you. But what kind of man hides in the bushes and let's another man fuck his wife till she cums twice" She asked him. "No I don't think you deserve to be unlocked. Maybe we should try another month so you understand what a man is" She rolled over and left him frustrated and confused. Paul went and took a cold shower. Heather so turned on by this evening quickly masterbated. She appeared to be asleep when Paul came in and just laid in bed.

Paul woke in the morning Heather already showered and sitting next to him on. The bed.

"You liked watching me didn't you?" She asked Paul. He nodded unable to look in her eyes. "Did you like watching me suck Nick's big cock?" She asked. Again he nodded.

"Its not easy to do you know, he is alot bigger then you. You hit easy in my mouth." She continued. "So as punishment. I think you should experience sucking a cock." She told him. Opening her robe she wore the strapon. "Unless you never want to be unlocked?" She told him. He was so horny he figured I was just a big silicone toy. So he took it in his mouth. Heather had him watch the video of her sucking Nick's last night as he did. She just let him figure it out. Pushing every few minutes making him gag.

"See, now you can appreciate what I do for you. So next time you will understand its not so easy for me either" She told him. After about 20 minutes she let him stop.

"So now" he pulled back the sheet. His undies where all wet. He had leaked into them while sucking her cock.

"No, I was serious last night. You will be locked until December" She told him.

"But the hair had grown in it pulls" he said trying anything. She just left him on the bed. He went to take another cold shower. Heather pulled off her toy and drove it deep in her wet pussy. She was so turned on by Paul sucking it. She came quickly and was dressed when Paul got out of the shower. He had been in there a long time.

Heather spent the day teasing him constantly. And if he asked or hinted at being unlocked she would just say.

"Want another lesson in cock sucking?" But knowing how much it had turned him on this morning she would be doing it again soon.

She took him with her grocery shopping.

"Pick out a cucumber that will satisfy me" She told him. He just backed one. It was long and thick.

"Wow, you must think me some kind of slut" She told him putting it in the cart.

"See if they have extra large condoms, unless you want your wife filled full of real men's cum" She told him. They didn't but she bought a big box of condoms anyway. Then she stopped in the femine isle.

"These will fit in those cute undies you like, and help avoid the wet spots. She said holding a box of pantiliners up for him.

"Maybe these, they are baby powder scented. For your baby size" She giggled. She had never teased him like this but Paul had a huge wet spot on his jeans. So she just kept going. Everywhere she found someway to make it sexual.

"The cashier was pretty" Heather said walking out. "Would you like to see me with another woman?" She asked. It looked like Paul came in his pants. Shenhad him drive home. When they got there she rushed inside having Paul bring in all the groceries. Paul quickly put them away and found Heather on their bed masterbating.

"Come put that tounge to work" She told him. Paul went to work and made her cum. But she needed more she had never been so turned on in her life.

"Fuck me" She told him. He was still locked and offered her the cage.

"No with your big one" She pointed towards the drawer they kept the strapon. Paul frownednbut put it on. He fucked her trying to be as aggressive as Nick had been.

"Thank you" Heather said kissing him. After he had made her cum again. "We need to go lots more errands to run" She got up and dressed.

"You should change" Heather told him pointing to the ever present wet spot. He stripped and cleaned himself. Heather handed him a pantyliner.

"See they will fit right in your tiny undies" She told him. She had to stiffle her laugb when he pulled his undies up wearing a pantiliner. She loved that she had cum half a dozen times today. And Paul had not cum in a month.

As there ran errands Heather didn't stop.

"He was cute don't you think?" She said leaving the drug store.

"What? Paul said

"The young man behind the register" Heather told him smiling.

"I know I teased you mercilessly today. How about when we get home I milk you again" She askdd him. He couldn't look at her but he nodded with his eyes down. Ashamed to ask for it. They put everything away and Heather took him by the hand and led him to the bedroom,

"Strip" She told him. As she got out the lube. He stood naked. She was fully clothed She had him lay across her lap on the bed. She lifted his ass. And applied lube. She worked a finger then two but this time avoided his prostate only glancing it from time to time she wasn't milking him she was fucking him. After a few minutes he got reatlsss.

"Let me try this. She pushed her old slender vibrator into his ass it was only 6 inches and maybe an inch. Paul bucked and pushed back when she turned it on. She worked it in and out and he was crying.

As he soaked Heather's pants with his cum. She stood him up and led him to the bathroom she unlocked him. He didn't even try and hpbet hard. And she shaved him smooth again. But she kept going and shaved his thighs and ass. Liking how he looked she shaved his chest as well.

"Should I keep going?" She asked him. He was still processing that he had the best orgadm of his life by being fucked up the ass. He said nothing so she shaved his pits. Then the rest of his legs. She got in the shower still dressed and washed his smooth naked body.

Heather dropped to hers knees and took him in her mouth he got hard for the first time in a month.

"Don't do that" he said helping her up.

"Its OK babe, we can end the game" She told him.

"No, I don't want to. And you never have to do that again" he said thinking about how humiliating it was. But then how much it had turned him on.

"Do you get excited sucking cock?" He asked Heather was a bit shocked by the question.

"Sometimes. When it's. Like with Nick I did" She confessed.

"OK well lets see if we can get thru November" he said

"I will be a lot harder on you" She told me as she locked the cage back on.

[wheelsup]

the taming of the shrew | two

if i be waspish, best beware my sting

after some setbacks, penelope is willing to do anything to get you back on board. but has spencer already ruined things?

A/N: hello! im so sorry that this posting schedule is super inconsistent. the more i thought about this chapter, the less i liked the more technical aspects of it. but! i hope you enjoy to plot aspect of it nonetheless <3 thanks for reading!

category: fluff, slow burn series, spencer reid x fem!reader

wc: 4.4k

<- prev | next ->

Since that phone call with Penelope, she’d been over nearly every night for a week with plates of treats and onslaughts of apologies. Each time she came knocking, you told her there was no amount of persuasion that could change your mind. And yet the following night, she’d be there, a new type of pastry in hand and a new set of reasons why Spencer was worth the trouble.

First, she brought blueberry muffins and reasoned that deep below that prickly exterior, he really was everything she promised –– sweet and caring. But that must be deep, deep down. Like, The Lost City of Atlantis, deep down, because you didn’t expect it to surface any time soon. 

Then, she brought fudge brownies and explained that his behavior wasn’t personal –– he was getting snippy with everyone lately. And while you maintained that anybody would have a hard time getting along with Spencer, you were absolutely positive that it was now impossible for you. 

Quite frankly, it wasn’t just Spencer who was unwilling to play nice. You hated him. More than you’ve ever hated a stranger. 

You wished him a lifetime riddled with minor inconveniences that would drive him to the edge of insanity. You wanted him to miss all his trains by just a quarter of a minute; close enough so that he could see it leave the platform, knowing he almost made it on. You wanted him to constantly feel like he was about to sneeze. You wanted his socks to be perpetually wet, and if he should happen to put on a dry pair? You hoped he stepped in a puddle.

That was all you could think about as you laid out on your couch, munching on one of Penelope’s lemon bars while she paced around your apartment. She kept going on and on advertising Spencer to you. As annoying as it was, she was also saving you a ton on groceries that week. 

For the most part, you filtered her out. Not a single word that came out of her mouth was believable anymore, especially not when she was talking about Spencer. Despite what Penelope thought of him, you saw in him what she refused to accept. 

As her speech came to a close, she looked at you like she expected a response to dignify her prattling. 

“Give it a rest, Penelope. He’s a lost cause,” you laughed dryly. “He doesn’t need –– nor does he want –– anyone in his life.” At the very least, he definitely didn’t want you. 

“Yes, that’s the problem!” If you’d been listening to her, you would’ve heard her saying the same thing. “He doesn’t want to date!” 

Your head just about exploded when she said that. 

There had been countless, fruitless conversations about this, and all along she saw the gaping hole in her supposedly airtight plan?

“If he doesn’t want to DATE, then WHAT was the point of this?!” Your fingers pressed the bridge of your nose; you suddenly felt a headache coming on. Funny how it always happened around the time of day that Penelope came to visit.

Penelope stopped pacing. She stalked over to your couch, picked your legs up by your ankle, and moved them to make space for herself. You begrudgingly sat upright as she took her place beside you. 

“Because he’s not himself anymore. He’s not open like he used to be. Not to the people who care about him the most, and certainly not to the world.”  

Penelope toyed with the hem of her dress, distracting herself from her quivering lip before pressing on, “Spencer Reid has always wanted love. And it’s not right that he no longer believes he can have it.” 

You hadn’t seen Penelope look so desperate until now. It was concerning. Because what could make her look so hopeless? What could make Spencer so hopeless? 

“Penelope, I don’t know what’s wrong with your little friend, but… there’s a lot more bubbling inside him than you’re letting on.” 

She chewed up the insides of her cheeks, wincing to herself at your incredibly accurate claim. 

“You are hiding something, aren’t you?” You narrowed your eyes on her. You were no detective, or whatever exactly her team did, but she was just awful at concealing her thoughts.

“It’s not my story to tell,” she murmured. 

She could already feel herself about to give it away and doubled down her mental defenses against it. Focusing extra hard on keeping Spencer’s privacy intact. If only you knew her track record with secrets, you’d be proud of her for staying quiet this long.

“What isn’t your story?” 

“That his girlfriend died last year.” 

She spilled it before she even realized what she was saying. You’d just asked so nonchalantly that she forgot she was talking aloud. Penelope turned purple, terrified now that the whole truth was out there. 

You couldn’t even take satisfaction in the fact that your trick worked. You were just as mortified as Penelope, and if you weren’t already sitting down, you knew you’d need to. You assumed there was something deeper going on with him, you didn’t think it was a dead girlfriend. That was some Nicholas Sparks shit. 

“He pretends like he’s fine but I know he’s not. And if he found a way to move on, maybe he’d start feeling as okay as he claims to be,” she sniffled before snot could run from her nose, tears lining the rims of her eyes. “I know I should’ve given you the full picture, but I didn’t think you’d go for it if you knew…” 

You were too floored to process it all right away. This added a whole new layer of complicated to an already uneasy arrangement.

“Well, I know you’re right about one thing. I would’ve said no.” 

She gave you a set of pleading eyes, praying you’d see where she was coming from. 

“I know,” she whispered defeatedly. “But maybe... now that you know, you can understand why he acts out the way he does.”

“Penelope, I can’t just… make someone move on, or –– or get them to believe in love! Especially when it’s fake.”

How on Earth did she expect you to pull that off? Did that guy from A Walk to Remember move on when Mandy Moore died? You hadn’t seen the ending of the movie, but you assumed not. 

“I’m sorry, this is just… a lot bigger than the favor I thought it was ––”

“What if I could return it?” she cut in. The gears in her head started to turn, figuring ways to patch up the holes she made. 

“There’s nothing I need from you.” 

That couldn’t be true. Penelope looked around the room and it didn’t take her long to think of it.

“I can help you sell your art,” she tempted, gesturing to the scattered canvases. “You make all your income from this, right?” 

You didn’t want to give any fuel to her fire, but you nodded. “What if… what if you didn’t have to settle for local buyers? What if I told you that you could make way more money selling them to the whole world?”

You chortled at her idea. 

You were a local artist, through and through. Your art got put in local galleries and sold to local buyers. Nothing more, and that was fine with you. You realized it a long time ago that it was just a pipe dream to think you’d be more. 

“I’m serious! You could get a separate painting studio, and stop living in one? Huh?” She wrapped her hand around your shoulder, waving the other in the air, urging you to picture it with her. “Imagine this: a kitchen that’s separate from your living room. A bed, inside it’s own four walls, and more than twelve feet from where you cook your meals.”

Pushing aside her so blatantly insulting your apartment, if that were a possibility, you’d want nothing more. But it already sounded foolish and you hadn’t even heard how she planned to pull it off. 

“Penelope, I’m fine where I am. I make the money I need, and that’s... it’s fine.”

She gave you a pointed look. “You know, I can hack all search engine results to make sure you are what comes up first anytime someone enters the word ‘painting’, right?

An airy chuckle left your lips. Of course she could. You patted her thigh twice and stood up, prompting her to follow you to your door –– hopefully, so she can show herself to the other side of it. “Still no, Pen.” 

“Just take some time to think about it!” Her voice carried through the wood as you shut it on her.

*

There was this one bench in Kenilworth Park – the one that overlooks the crystal clear pond – that you’d always been able to rely on to fix any problem.

There was hidden magic in the bushes that sprawled out from the edges of the water, surrounded by spiky green blades of overgrown grass. A simplicity you loved in baby ducklings paddling into the tiny body of water, swimming close together so they don’t get lost in, what seems to them, a whole ocean. And clarity provided by the freshest air in the world, under the shade of the big oak trees on a late summer afternoon.

But at the present, none of that came close to being enough.

The artist’s block started off as a minor inconvenience, but without your permission, had stretched into weeks of steadily declining motivation. Each new idea felt even worse than the last, and you were acutely aware that there would come a point where you’d officially hit maximum capacity for how awful they could get.

Still, that didn’t seem to light a fire under you. You happily coexisted with the blank pages of your sketchbook. Staring down at them, laying open on your lap in their stark-white glory, you felt like you were playing a waiting game. If you stared long and hard enough, maybe they’d flinch. 

Unfortunately, you never got to find out who won, because your phone rang inside your pocket. As if the caller had interrupted an incredible genius at work (which couldn’t be farther from the truth), you hastily raised the phone to your ear, slamming your sketchbook shut.

“Hello?” Your voice wasn’t as kind as it could be for someone with nothing better to be doing. Two seconds later, you learned who was calling and came to regret it.

“Hi, This is Rebecca from District Arts, calling with a message from Andre ––”

“Oh, hi!” you tried to walk back your previous tone, straightening up in your seat and pitching your voice higher, “Yeah, I’ve been waiting to hear from him!” 

While Rebecca intimidated you, Andre happened to be your closest friend at the gallery. He worked closely with the artists to curate their collection and help them make sales. 

“Does he want to sort out what to set the opening bid prices at for my new pieces?” A handful of days ago, you sent him pictures of your new work and were waiting to hear his thoughts. You’d always been able to trust his opinion, and a vote of confidence from him might be just the thing to inspire you.

“Uhm…” There was a criminally long pause on the other side of the line, ended by Rebecca’s weary inhale. “Unfortunately, we’re calling to inform you that your pieces will not be included in the next rotation.”

For a minute, you weren’t sure what to make of what she said. You’d never heard those words before.

“What – what do you mean?” you laughed nervously. She probably misspoke. Perks of friendship aside, Andre always included you in sets. 

“Ugh, let me just get him…” her voice faded away as she put the phone down. 

That wasn’t exactly the reassuring statement you were looking for. In the time it took for the call to switch hands, your confusion finally melted in. And then quickly boiled into anger.

The District Arts gallery changed their entire collection every two months. The pieces shown accepted rolling bids throughout the full eight weeks, finally selling at the end of term to their highest offer. After that, the pieces got taken down, sent to happy new owners, and the entire gallery reset with entirely new works. 

So if you missed one rotation, that meant waiting two months to get back in.

“Andre, how am I just cut from the gallery!” you barked before he could get a word in. If he didn’t like your work, he could’ve just said so. 

“No one said that ––”

“Okay, let me rephrase.” You pinched the bridge of your nose, something you found yourself doing quite frequently lately, and took a deep breath in and out. It was seemingly just for show because it did absolutely nothing to calm you down. “Why wouldn’t you put me in the next set? I’m in all of them!”

“I know you are!” He sounded just as upset. “It’s just that… we give you the biggest space we have, because you always manage to fill it up. But this time… I’m not so sure you can.”

“That’s ridiculous,” you scoffed. “What makes you say that?” You asked that, but you knew.

“You’ve only finished three pieces… I’m worried how you’ll deliver seven more before we set up.”

“But… it’s four weeks away, I could do ––”

“And it took you four weeks to make what you have... I’m sorry. We couldn’t take that gamble.” 

He took your silence as an opportunity to turn off the work talk and speak, just friend to friend. 

“You know that I trust you and I’d hold that spot if I could. But, I also know what you’re going through right now, and… I don’t know, maybe letting yourself rest would be a good thing?” 

Your heart paused. By, “knowing what you’re going through”, you assumed he didn’t mean the little artist’s block.

“If you’re implying that I can’t do my job because of what happened with Cyrus –”

“I’m not, I’m not....” he backtracked as quickly as he could. “But take another look at the paintings you showed me and tell me if they feel like you.”

Even if he was right, you wanted to fight him. You wanted to cry. You wanted to beg that you didn’t need that big space; you were willing to downsize and just turn in the three that you had. Even if they got shoved into the corner where hardly anybody bothered to look. You just couldn’t afford to go two months without the income. 

But even with tears beading up, you realized that the gallery couldn’t afford it either. They needed to bring in money and you couldn’t do that for them this time. So they were right to go to someone who can.

“Right,” you sniffled, recollecting yourself so he can’t hear the shakiness in your voice. “I understand. It’s a big risk, like you said… It’s for the better.”

Andre tried to thank you for being understanding and spewed some sort of encouragement. The words flew over your head. You managed to toss in a few ‘mhmm’s and ‘sure’s at the right places to coast you along until the call finally ended. 

As soon as it went dead, you dropped your phone to the side and brought your hands to your face, rubbing them furiously over your cheeks. Your fingertips pressed hard into your eyelids, trying to forcibly reabsorb the tears threatening to spill. 

It almost worked, until you tried to breathe. 

A full sob escaped in that one gulp of air and you succumbed to it. But the loud crunching noise of some pedestrian walking over the falling leaves destroyed your sense of privacy, and you quickly wiped away all signs of your breakdown. The crunching stopped just short of your bench and on instinct you flicked your eyes up to see who the intruder was.

You did a double take. It was him. That fucking asshole.

He was standing there, looking dumber than you could even remember, with his hands in his coat pockets and a curious look on his face as he watched you cry. Tucking your sketchbook under your arm in haste, you made it a point to stand up with as much aggression as possible, rolling your eyes at him.

“Don’t worry, I’m leaving,” you barked. “No need to yell at me this time.”

You bristled past him, barely refraining yourself from checking his shoulder as payback. You wanted to believe you were better than him, but it did sound incredibly tempting. He stood there for a moment before turning on his heel and following you.

“Wait,” he groaned.

You didn’t listen, neither stopping nor slowing down.

“I said wait,” he huffed as he caught up to you, popping up at your side and jogging along as you kept going.

“Yeah, because I need to listen to a guy who yells at strangers in bookstores.” 

Now that you’d brought up the elephant in the room, your feet started moving even faster, working double time to get you away from him.

Damn the fact that he had those long legs. He didn’t even break a sweat trying to keep up. He was inescapable.

“Well, if you waited like I asked, you would’ve gotten an apology for the ––”

“Gee, thanks!” you yelled, stopping for only a second to turn to him and give him a mocking bow of your head, hands clasped together like you were praising at his altar. “I was waiting with bated breath for that! Thank you, kind sir, for now my life can go on.”

“Look, I’m actually sorry,” he snapped. Then in realizing the irony, softened his voice, “I’m sorry for being rude. I was having a bad day… not that that’s an excuse.”

You stared at him blankly, just watching his mouth moving quickly and waiting until it finally stopped. 

“Did you need something?” 

“Did you… did you not hear what I just said?!” 

“No, sorry,” you smiled, voice sweet like sugar. “My ears filter bullshit. Wanna try again?”

He scoffed, looking away like he couldn’t believe you before stepping even closer. “What’s your problem?”

“Me!? The fuck –– what the fuck is your problem?” You turned and stormed off again, seething at his audacity. Spencer just couldn’t relent his annoying tendencies and followed yet again.

“My problem is that I’m trying to be nice, and you’re not letting me!”

You got a good, hard laugh out of that. “Okay, first of all, having to apologize for yelling at me and pushing me isn’t exactly the best starting point for the journey of becoming a nice person.”

“Like I said, I was having a bad day.” 

Under your breath, you muttered, “Well, I hope this one’s even worse.”

“Why are you such a ––” He stopped himself from finishing that thought. Even in his worst mood, he wouldn’t cross that line. 

But he didn’t need to finish it, you knew exactly where he wanted to take it. The soles of your shoes scraped against the loose gravel as you came to a grinding halt, ears ringing.

“A what?” You turned to face him, a sarcastic smile on your face growing wider as he started to shrink more and more. You got up close in his face, daring him to say what he really wanted to. So he could reinforce your belief in exactly the type of person he was. “A what?” 

Spencer pursed his lips and shook his head, refusing to say it no matter how much you challenged him. If he wasn’t going to have the balls to say it, you decided to take it upon yourself.

“Tell you what, you keep thinking about it and get back to me the next time you’re in a cunty mood.” 

The word he was thinking of was probably not as bad, but you had a habit of escalating things. Even if you took this one too far, you didn’t care. 

Before you tried to take off again, Spencer’s hand flew to your elbow. He tugged you back, forcing you to turn around and face him. He didn’t know his own strength; without any resistance, you came stumbling into his chest, at risk of falling over if it weren’t for his tight grip on your arm.

It took you a beat to push him away with both your hands on his chest, vocalizing your disgust for being so close to him. 

“Can you stop trying to disagree with me for a second? I’m trying to tell you that you’re right, I was being a… well, you know…” He avoided the word. Apparently ‘cunt’ was where he drew the line. “I’m sorry. You didn’t deserve it.” 

Your nostrils were still flared and blood hot as ever, but he made you pause. He looked sincere, if not a little tinged with guilt as well. You were suspicious of it.

“You saw me crying and felt bad, didn’t you?”

He laughed darkly. “Well, I saw you, yes. Did I feel bad? No.” 

“Oh, my God,” you growled, berating yourself for getting close to believing he might be capable of decency. 

“I’m joking! I’m joking.” He squeezed your elbow twice in earnest. “I did feel bad, but that’s not why I wanted to say it.”

“Okay.” You weren’t ready to give him a real smile, so you flattened your lips into a thin line and nodded once slowly, and left it at that. 

You still weren’t a fan, but the apology did dampen some of the resentment. Maybe he wasn’t the worst person alive. You’d settle for saying top ten most annoying, instead.

Minutes later, you came to the startling realization that he was still on the path, just two paces behind you. You flinched when you saw him out of the corner of your eye, not expecting him to still be here. 

“Uhm. Where are you… why are you still following me?” 

“I’m not. My car’s that way,” he gestured to the parking lot at the end of the long walkway. “I forgot my loaf for the ducks.” He didn’t mean to offer that information up, it just slipped out. He could practically see your smug expression coming before it even got there.

“You’re not supposed to feed bread to the ducks. It’s bad for them.”

“I don’t.” He didn’t care to explain this to you, but he couldn’t have you thinking he was any less competent than he really was. “It’s a special bread made from water and seeds that were ground into flour. It’s duck-safe.” 

“They make duck-safe bread?” Now that was something you’d never heard before. 

“No… I make duck-safe bread,” he said softly under his breath. 

You didn’t know how else you were supposed to react to that besides laughing wildly. 

“You make it?” He nodded like you were the crazy one here. As if he wasn’t the one spending his spare time grinding up seeds and baking loaves of bread for ducks, donning a frilly pink apron and oven mitts as he did so. At least that’s how you imagined it. “Why not just feed them the seeds?”

“Because, loose seeds will sink in the water and can potentially clog waterbeds and cause foreign bacteria growth in the pond.” 

“So you… hand-make the seeds into a little loaf of bread so it doesn't do that?”

He confirmed. You pondered silently for a moment, then absolutely had to ask, “You ever eaten the duck bread before?”

Spencer was caught off guard by that question. His cheeks deepened to a rosy color.

“Yeah, well, it was the house so…” he laughed nervously and stared at his sneakers. “It’s actually not too bad.”

You weren’t entirely surprised by that. You remembered what his grocery basket looked like, and given those same options, you probably would’ve tried the duck bread too. Still, you cracked the smallest of grins at knowing he makes bread for ducks. The one, sole redeeming fact you’ve learned about Spencer. 

You reached your car first, and Spencer stopped in front of it with you. 

“I’m actually sorry, you know,” he whispered once more, hand resting at the top of your car door as you opened it. He wasn’t talking about the incident at the bookstore.

“Yeah…” For a while you were so busy being angry at Spencer that you forgot about your own problems. 

He noticed your nose was still red around the edges, eyes still a little bleary. “Are you okay, by the way?” His voice was too soft, too genuine.

You shook your head no.

“Is there anything I can do?” You shook your head again. And then you had an awful thought.

You knew he was just offering to help just to say it, because that’s how people react when you say you’re not okay even if they don’t care. But there actually was something he could do for you… Something that Penelope could do.

“Uh, no but…” you fixed your hair and tucked it behind your ear, seamlessly switching to a flirtier voice. “If you still feel bad about the other day, you’re welcome to make it up to me.”

Spencer cocked his head to the side, unsure of how he could do that. 

“Hang out with me sometime.”

“H-hang out?” You could tell that it flustered him, even if he tried to play it off. He swallowed thickly, nose twitching and brows scrunched together.

“Relax, I really do just mean hang out.” You were lying through your teeth. He didn’t need to know that. 

As if he didn’t want to think about it for a second longer and just get out of this conversation as quickly as possible, he agreed without thinking it through. He didn’t even ask why an almost complete stranger would want to hang out with him. 

You stuck your hand out, expecting him to hand over his cell so you could put your contact into it. He rocked on the balls of his feet, watching as you input your contact and sent yourself a text on his phone.

“Hi, this is…” you read out your message as you typed, pausing at just the right place. “What’s your name by the way?”

“Oh-uh, I’m Spencer.” 

A devilish grin took over your face, hidden from his view while you were looking down at the screen. He was going to be easy to fool.

-

-

agh! im still not in love with how this chapter is turning out, but it came to a point where i just had to stop fiddling with it and just post it. any feedback or comments about this story is very much appreciated 💕

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[blu-joons]

DATING SEVENTEEN A⇴Z HEADCANON ⇴ Lee Seokmin

A ⇴ AFFECTION

Seokmin is incredibly cuddly around you, he loves to be around you and have some sort of contact with you. He can’t help himself usually but to start tickling your sides and tease you whenever he has his arms around you too.

B ⇴ BEFORE DATING

You were drawn to Seokmin from the moment you met him, he had a personality that instantly made you feel comfortable around him and a smile that made you listen to every word that he spoke. He loved getting to know you from the moment he met you too, taking an instant liking to what he saw from you.

C ⇴ CONFESSION

A friendship between you both quickly developed, and one night when you were hanging out, Seokmin couldn’t help but joke about how different things could have been for you both if you started dating. Despite being a joke, it soon became a thought that Seokmin couldn’t stop thinking about for the rest of your evening, ended up with him suggesting that the two of you perhaps give dating a try as your evening came to an end.

D ⇴ DATES

Each date was an adventure, you never did the same thing twice. He loved having someone to explore with, you’d always make sure to try new restaurants and venues for your dates, if you’d been to one restaurant once, you’d pick another the next time, or if your previous date had been at the beach, then you’d head down to the river for the next one. Eventually, you went on so many dates that you had the perfect list of all your favourite places to go to that the two of you could hold onto for the rest of your lives together.

E ⇴ EXPERIENCE

Seokmin’s life had been filled with a lot of hate, he was excited to enjoy his first experience of love. He couldn’t wait to fall in love and have someone there who would pick him up rather than constantly bring him down and support him in everything that he chose to do. There were definitely a few nerves at the start of your relationship, Seokmin wasn’t used to being treated so well, but it was an experience he also loved and wished that he had managed to receive in his earlier years from those who were around him.

F ⇴ FIGHTING

Despite his bright personality, Seokmin is incredibly sensitive when it comes to conflict and arguments, he’s had far too much negativity in his life to experience it alongside you as well. Whenever you’re angry, he’ll sit and listen, usually with teary eyes too. He hates feeling as if he’s let you down or frustrated you, so once you’ve finished ranting about whatever the subject is, he’ll apologise straight away. He’s used to just saying sorry, it’s what he spent so many years doing, but once you see how sorrowful he is, you can’t help but feel bad for going at him so hard too and reassure him that there’s no reason to worry.

G ⇴ GETTING TO KNOW HIS FAMILY

Seokmin’s family were very protective of him, but they trusted his judgement, especially when it came to you. Seeing how well you treated their son however was a huge turning point for them, all they ever wanted was for Seokmin to be happy and knowing that you made him happy was more than enough for them.

H ⇴ HOME

He enjoyed being in the dorm environment far too much to move out and find a place with you. He loved the noise and the laughter that came with living with all of his other members, and admittedly, you enjoyed being around them all too. Seokmin knew one day the time would come to move out, but he hoped it wouldn’t be for a little while yet.

I ⇴ “I LOVE YOU”

During a particularly hard time he was having, you were there for him throughout, never complaining. Seokmin never realised how much he needed you until he had your support during those days, and your love for him was the final piece of the puzzle that he needed to be sure that he loved you and let you know that he did too.

J ⇴ JEALOUSY

Although he loves to make others happy and tries to give off the impression that he’s always smiling, there is a small part of Seokmin that can get jealous from time to time too. He’s not someone who can let go of previous experiences, and so little doubts sometimes creep in that perhaps being with you is too good to be true. He’ll laugh his way through his jealousy as that’s all he knows how to do, others might not be able to pick up on it, but you can recognise a fake laugh from Seokmin in an instant and know exactly what’s going on.

K ⇴ KIDS

Controlling Seokmin was sometimes enough for you, so you dreaded to think how chaotic your life would be with children too. Seokmin often told you about his dreams of a family in the future and how he hoped he had kids who could at least try and match the amount of energy that he had. You on the other hand, hoped that your children one day would be able to finally tire Seokmin out, which was something that you’d been trying to do for many years, but somehow his energy just never seemed to run out.

L ⇴ LAUGHTER

He was the one who always create the happy mood in any situation, no matter how bad of a day you’d had or how angry you might be, he would never fail in putting the smile back on your face. Seokmin was someone who smiled his way through life and got on with everyone, a quality that you admired in him greatly. He very much controlled a situation with his jokes and his cheeky remarks, which also helped in making him a favourite with your family too. All of your friends adored him as if he’d been a part of your friendship circle for years too as a result of his sense of humour which they too instantly fell in love with.

M ⇴ MISSING

Just like with his jealousy and frustrations, Seokmin would try and laugh his way through the feeling of missing you too. He’d often brush it aside if any of the members asked how he was feeling, refusing to show any sign of emotion in front of all of them all. Despite him trying to ignore his feelings, the other members would know straight away when he was missing you as he’d try and crack joke after joke to distract his mind. He would behave exactly the same around you too, his focus was on cheering you up if you were missing him, and if he was missing you, then that would be something he’d try and keep to himself for your own sake.

N ⇴ NICKNAMES

As soon as you heard about his nickname of ‘docutie,’ you picked it up and decided to start using it for yourself too. Seokmin tried for a while to stop you, but when he knew he wasn’t going to win, he eventually caved to you.

O ⇴ OBSESSION

Seokmin was obsessed with your smile, he liked knowing that you were happy anyway, but especially so whenever you were around him.

P ⇴ PDA

He’s not afraid to be affectionate in public with you or try and make your relationship anything subtle. He knows that the fans will support him, and he wants to be real with them, so he’ll still be just as playful and teasing in public with you as he is whenever the two of you are behind closed doors with no one else watching.

Q ⇴ QUESTIONS

Seokmin loves talking, so he will ask you questions on just about anything. Anything that comes to mind he’ll want to talk about, he’s a people person, especially when he’s around his favourite person in the world, you.

R ⇴ RANDOM FACTS

When you found out the meaning behind his stage name, you knew you had to do something special for him. You ended up finding a gemstone that you knew Seokmin would love and gave it to him as something that he could always have on him. He’d take it on tour, to recordings, interviews, it slowly became a good luck charm for him to have a part of you with him even when he wasn’t able to physically be by your side.

S ⇴ SEX

Seokmin is always full of energy at the best of times, but especially so when it comes to being intimate with you. He could go all night if you asked him too, when it comes to loving and treating you well, he has all the excitement and time in the world. He’s also loud too, sometimes it will just be moans, other times he’ll be pouring out with compliments to remind you how much he loves you and how special he believes you are.

T ⇴ TEXTS

His texts are always carrying and inquisitive of you. He’ll always ask how your day is going and what your plans are, and if he thinks there’s time in between it for you to see him, then he’ll ask if you fancy a trip to the dorm too.

U ⇴ UNIVERSE

You opened up a whole new world of love to Seokmin, of course, he’d always been loved by those who were closest to him, but to have the love and affection that came with being in a relationship was something that he adored.

V ⇴ VACATION

Going on holiday was a big deal to Seokmin, but he never cared where in the world he was as long as he was with you. Holidays to him were his way of saying thank you to you for always being with him and supporting him despite how challenging his world could sometimes be and how little time he’d spend with you.

W ⇴ WHINING

He could definitely create enough noise if he wanted to, he was the mood maker for a reason, and that definitely included when he whined too.

X ⇴ XXXXX

Your kisses are one of the things that Seokmin values the most from you, he’s always searching for love and affection from you, and that usually comes in the form of a kiss, or two, from you. If he’s feeling quiet, he’ll sneak into your hold and tap his finger against your cheek to boldly ask for a kiss from you. He’s not afraid to tease you and he’s definitely not afraid to let you know exactly what he wants from you.

Y ⇴ YOU

You were a ray of light in Seokmin’s light, whilst he was everyone else’s sunshine, you were his.

Z ⇴ ZZZ

The two of you laid side by side every night, without fail. Seokmin enjoyed your embrace and found it incredibly comforting to be at your side. The comfort of your presence was all that he needed to fall asleep comfortingly at night.

---

Masterlist

[lysmune]

Hoarfrost Heart

Human still

Pairing: KaeLumi CW: Kaeya has an anxious breakdown near the end, and a lot of this fic deals with his trauma of not opening up to people.

  Blood is a loyal follower to Kaeya’s truths, a faint whisper that reminds him of everything that could—has—happened if he slivered an inch of his thoughts. It is the scent of iron he could never wash out, not from the thin line of death across the necks of so many people, not from his hands, nor from the soles of his feet, split open as he walks across the evergreen growth of thorns, fed fat from his deceit.

   These are only skin deep, is how he convinces himself as he tucks the unease behind a veiled smile that pinches his cheeks. Flesh wounds will heal but honesty, baring an unguarded heart out upon his sleeve, is a dangerous game and Kaeya has no desire to tempt mortality again.

   One narrow escape is enough.

   Sweet words, sweeter lies, he offers those instead. They always repay him in trust, a valuable currency he never quite could give away, so he sacrifices what spare human feeling he has for the pristine beauty of a white winter when he responds. Clean, untainted, pure.

   It is easier to deal with the disease that is loneliness than a knife to the back.

   A laid-back, duty-shirking cavalry captain, whose dull seaward lineage is made riveting through ten rounds of Death After Noon. That is who Kaeya is.

   That is how he introduces himself to Mondstadt.

   That is the image he’ll set in the starlit traveller’s mind.

   That is who she, with unabashed vocality, politely refuses to believe.

   Lumine chalks it up to the vagueness of a hunch, and he can’t help but roll his eyes, click his tongue. Sure, he might enjoy throwing the same reason around, but it feels like complete nonsense to have it flung back at him. He pouts, intentionally puppy-like and innocent, and pleads with a tone of feigned hurt.

   Lumine laughs.

   Laughs and looks at him with topaz-cut eyes, eyes like honeyed spring water. Kaeya can’t decide whether he should feel offended at her subtle dig, or honoured that he’s made her smile. He settles on brushing it off with a shrug and a, “Well, you’ve got me there.”

   “I know,” is Lumine’s response, a simple phrase that holds much more depth than it lets on, and he wonders if she’s seen just what it is he’s truly hiding.

   The prospect sends chills down his spine. Does she know me, more than I do?

   Kaeya drowns those fears in the tavern, his local safe haven, a place away from his worries and her all-seeing gaze. It is short-lived some nights, languorous on the others, but at least, here, the chatter is comfortable. Leaning forward, he listens to the slurred words, the odd secrets, to keep his thoughts at bay.

   And yet

   And yet, Kaeya finds himself following the wide expanse of her back, her small frame belying her insurmountable strength as she carries every single burden in silence. “Trust me,” she would assure with her sunlit smile. Kaeya would never admit it, but he does—he wants to.

   But what has trust ever given me?

   Rain and ichor, and festering wounds.

   Everything is unflinchingly loud. How laughable, how maddeningly soft of him, to be so weak in his resolve. Against the hushed humdrum dawn, he watches her leave the gates.

   They say if you stare too long at the sun, you’ll go blind. In her presence, Kaeya feels robbed of his vision. He looks to her footprints instead, at the trail of fireflies she leaves in her wake. They don’t hurt him as much as her wayward glances do, not as much as the sincerity in her voice when she reminds him that he can always seek her company when he needs someone to talk to.

   “I won’t stay long in Mondstadt, anyway,” Lumine laughs, laced with melancholia. “Whatever your secret is, I’ll bring it with me.”

   Kaeya’s chest tightens, constricts. “How fun would I be without my mysteries?” he hums and she scoffs.

   “Well, either way,” she says, shrugging while she goes to her feet, “I’m here to listen.”

   He knows, he knows, that’s why it’s proving difficult to keep all his bottled thoughts neatly safeguarded. Everything is easier around her, as though he can just be honest and loose-lipped, and bare, and Kaeya despises it.

   He despises how vulnerable he feels, how vulnerable she makes him feel.

   Each passing day only serves to coddle that parasite of an idea, the frail, tempting whisper at the shell of his ear, gnawing at him endlessly. The words coagulate in his throat, begging to be spoken and put to death all at once, barred only by gritted teeth and sheer willpower.

   Lumine never quite pries him, not when he excuses himself of her company through the blatant lie of working through his commissions; nor when he hides at the corner of the bar when they celebrate her victorious homecoming; nor when his nightly patrols loop him back to her in some cyclical torment.

   She gives him his space, lets him breathe. Kaeya isn’t sure if he enjoys the consideration, the lack of judgement, the misplaced respect.

   A clean-cut, clinical distance maintained. Lumine never quite meets him again, and he never bothers. It’s easier, it’s easier, he tells himself, chanting it through like a broken record.

   It’s easier, Kaeya convinces, even when he finds her perplexed at her usual spot at Good Hunter, bathed in the scarlet red of a sunset.

   “My,” he greets, pulling up the chair reserved for him, “I don’t think I’ve seen you quite so bothered, Traveller.”

  Lumine’s eyes never quite meets his, even when she’s turned her body to his direction. A chill creeps up the length of his spine.

   “I’m leaving for Liyue,” she says under her breath, so quiet it’s near indistinguishable from the wind. “Tomorrow morning.”

   “Oh,” is all Kaeya manages to muster. She doesn’t speak after that. He doesn’t either, all the sentences tangled and fumbling on his tongue, and It’s easier this way, he reminds himself still, even when she’s long receded into Mondstadt’s crowd.

   There’s a ringing in his ears, a loud, obnoxious pounding against his skull.

   Lumine’s leaving.

   The creature in his chest twists, writhing as he inhales deeply, like it is wounded and angry. Isn’t this what I wanted?

   Iron fills his mouth as his teeth bite into the inside of his cheek. He’s never once looked at her, not in the longest time, and before he knows it, Kaeya’s letting his feet lead him to the home she’s staying in, blood cold and hands trembling.

   The last time Kaeya’s ever held a person so warm dear to him, he burned to ashes.

   Something old and ancient stirs, an acquaintance he thought bygone. Wrapping around his shoulders like a winter veil, it hovers, large and engulfing.

  What has trust given you? Trauma sneers. Kaeya swallows. Rain and ichor, and festering wounds. Scorched skin black to its bone, pain still as new and fresh as spring. All that hate and fear, and loneliness.

�� His hand rests quietly on the door, shaking softly.

  Intimately, anxiety slithers around his neck, a spurned lover begging for a second chance. His back is soaked in the frozen thunderstorm, the terrorised flesh on his arm throbbing painfully, this memoir he’s carried with him since eighteen.

  I should leave. I should go. There isn’t much point in this.

  Flashes of white dancing at the peripheral of his eye, embers sparking like coals. Kaeya balls his hand into a fist, breaths shallow and ragged, the smell of carbonised ozone filling the air.

  This was a terri-

  “Kaeya.”

  His demons fall quiet.

  Her fingers are warm around his wrist, comfortingly so, a hearth on a winter’s eve, and Kaeya’s heart steadies. Everything does.

  I’m scared, he realises when he keeps his gaze to the ground, when he struggles to look back at her, when he’s being honest to himself past all those pretences, a lost child navigating uncharted wasteland.

  I’m scared, he realises, of learning how to trust. It feels like centuries since he has. What has trust given you? Rain and ichor, and festering wounds.

  Her grip on his wrist tightens.

  A home. A friend. A brother. Tiny, stumbling memories that fill with laughter.

  Kaeya swallows and turns around, and this time, he meets the gold of her eyes. In the dying light of day, she seems to glow brighter still, undying and unyielding.

  They say if you stare too long at the sun, you’ll go blind. As long as it’s her, he can learn to live with that, to have faith in her promises and follow her lead.

  “Are you alright?” Lumine questions, and he’s touched by the worry in her voice. Kaeya allows himself to smile, just barely, and nods.

  “I’m here for that offer,” he says. There’s an unusual tremor in his words, a nervousness that he’s not quite felt in ages, and ages past. She blinks, once, twice, and Kaeya wonders if he’s misread.

  Maybe-

Lumine laughs, then, like chimes in the wind, and Kaeya can’t help but chuckle along. With practiced ease, she slips her hand around his, linking their fingers together.

Kaeya lets her.

“Make yourself at home,” she guides him through the door and into her space effortlessly, seamlessly. Within the four walls she calls hers, in the incandescent ardour of her presence, he feels safe. Safe and heard, and at peace.

  It isn’t likely that Kaeya will tell her everything he’s been shouldering within the day, nor the coming week, or month, or possibly a year, but he knows he eventually will. If it’s her, he wants to, and when she offers him a gentle sunburst smile, he’s certain of it.

 For the first time since eighteen, Kaeya offers his heart, bare and beating, and him.

[royallyprincesslilly]

Title: FaceTime{One-Shot}***

Zeeko Zaki x Reader

Warning: Cursing, Dirty Talk, Phone Sex, FaceTime Sex, NSFW AT ALL, SMUUUUUTTTT, Self Pleasure, DO NOT READ AT WORK, NOT FILTHY BUT RAUNCHY

Words: 2.5k

Summary: With the new season of FBI currently filming during the world’s climate, the PTB has decided that the cast are all to social distance in a designated hotel where they can be tracked to lessen any unnecessary exposure. You and Zeeko have been together for just under a year, and you’re still in the honeymoon stage, and he’s been “consciously distancing” for five weeks now.

Note: Thanks to a video from Zeeko’s IG stories, this little nugget came to mind. 

I hope you enjoy it. Thank you for reading!!! ❤️❤️

***Loosley Edited/proofread***

“As you guys can see, this is my home away from home for the next three months, then a two-month break and right back into it,” he said as he walked around the hotel suite with his phone filming his surroundings for the live he was currently shooting.

 He walked from the living area to the open kitchen then showed off the view of downtown Manhattan. As he walked through the suite, he showed the two other rooms then made it to the bedroom.

 “And this is the bedroom,” he said as he jumped onto the bed. When he turned the camera onto himself, he groaned and leaned back onto the pillows.

 “As you can see, they are taking good care of us due to the current pandemic. I’ve been here for—five weeks, a little over five weeks actually, and yes, I’m going absolutely insane.”

 He read the comments as they rolled in and made a mental note as to which ones to answer.

 AriaTheGreat: Zeeko, I love you on FBI. You’re soo hot.

 Cheesing like no one’s business, he slightly bowed his head. “Uh—AriaTheGreat, thank you for that compliment. I’m glad you’re tuning in, and thank you for that.”

BertoCrushesQuads: Bro, you look like you eat lean and crush it in the gym. I dig your workout stories. Always pushing me to step my game up.

 “BertoCrushesQuads, Thank you, bro. Honestly, there’s this little competition between my brother and me regarding the gym and the weights so, yeah. I do like to eat lean things and try to stay on task there, but I’m Egyptian—so yeah.” He couldn’t help but laugh at that bit.

 As he got a little more comfortable in the bed, he continued to read through the incoming comments.

 Y/NInTheseSheets: How are you surviving being in isolation? Are you lonely?

 His smile got so wide when he saw your name; he couldn’t contain himself. He now looked like a child on Christmas morning. You always commented and liked his pictures, reposted his stories, and even popped into his lives always with your secret account. You used this account to mainly stan for him.

 “Uh—Y/NInTheseSheets, cute name. I’m taking it one day at a time. It definitely can get lonely.

 The comments flew in about ways to relieve loneliness and even those bold ones volunteering to help him with that. It was still wild for him to think about how his life had changed sometimes. One of the changes he was most grateful for was your role in his life. A year-long flirtation turned to no commitment dates, and those turned to an accidental kiss that neither of you could go back from once it happened because that kiss led to your first night together.

 Now almost a year from that first kiss, he was still in that honeymoon phase with you. He always wanted to be around you, kiss you, talk to you, lay with you. It was impossible not to think about you, and now that he’d seen you on the live, there was no way he was going  to be able to go over his lines for tomorrow.

 Y/NInTheseSheets: These Sheets are cold.

 Biting his bottom lip, he looked right into the camera and nodded.

 “I hear you,” he said before he skimmed the other comments trying to keep his cool.

 HoeFoFlo: You should hook up with Florian and hit the gym. Can you talk about meltdown!! 🥵

 “HoeFoFlo, wow. Really creative name. You know something, we actually met a few months ago. He’s a cool dude and a monster in the gym.”

 PatriciaMac: @HoeFoFlo whaddya know I’m a hoe for that man too. You’re right; I’d love to see a live of the two of you in the gym together. I’d lose my shit. 😏

Y/NInTheseSheets: Would love to do some hoe things right about now. 😛

 His jaw dropped, and he forgot where he was and what he was doing for almost a full minute. Sitting up, he leaned against the headboard. That was all it took for his member to stir. Pushing forward, he tried to keep talking to the six thousand people that were currently watching. He didn’t want to think more about what you were doing. He was sure you were lying in bed, fresh out the shower, probably still naked. He tried to stifle the moan when he thought of how you smelled, but he wasn’t successful at all.

 PrettyGirlLeena: @Y/NInTheseSheets saaaaame! Just looking at him makes me squirm. My lady parts are all tingly.

Y/NInTheseSheets: Tingliness is the least of my problems with my lady parts.  💦💦💦  

 Oh god, he thought. You were trying to kill him or have someone screen record something that he wouldn’t be able to talk his way out of.

 Y/NInTheseSheets: You just drive me crazy when you touch on it. Got my legs up, hands up, at attention.

 “There are some good things that are coming up this season for you guys. I can’t wait for you guys to check it out.”

 It was a meager attempt to force his brain away from your legs and touching anything.

 HoeFoFlo: @Y/NInTheseSheets, you should change your @ to @ThisHoezForZeeko. Girl, you thirsty.

Y/NInTheseSheets: Hit it, quit it. Fill that shit, get it!  🍑

 He was now past twitches and slow rising. His dick was hard.

 PrettyGirlLeena: Shut up, @HoeFoFlo. You should be the one to talk. We’re all thirsty. That is why we’re here. Stop trying to shame people. Look @ your name.  🙄

Y/NInTheseSheets: Tryna see if it feel what it look like. Been a lot of urge that I can't fight. It's a lot of time in the one night.

 Limit reached, he thought.

 “All right, guys, I’m gonna get off of this thing. I have lines to read and an early call. Thank you guys so much for tuning in to this live. Peace, love, and be kind to each other.”

 With that, he ended the live dropped his phone, rubbed his day fresh cut hair, and groaned. It was a loud groan that bounced off the walls and barreled back to him. When he took his phone up again, he quickly found your contact on his most recent calls and tapped facetime.

��After three rings, you answered, and sure enough, you were lying in bed with a sheet wrapped around you. God, you were beautiful.

 “Hi Habibi,” you slid out as your stretched.

 He couldn’t believe it had been almost six weeks since he’d physically seen you, and he still had six more to go.

 “That was not fair.”

 You giggled and changed the angle of your phone so he could see that your thighs were spread.

 “I’m sorry, Habibi. It was just too much fun to pass up, especially when I’d just gotten out of the shower. “

 “Ah, so you wanted to get me horny cause you’re horny.”

 You smiled again then bit your bottom lip. “Are you horny, Habibi?”

 You knew when you called him that it did things to him. You weren’t playing fair.

 “If I said no---.”

 “Then I’d just have my work cut out for me then,” you said before you ripped the sheet off your body to show him that you were, in fact, naked.

 He released an audible yelp that was half from shock and half from the intensity that his arousal hit him.

 “Fuck, baby girl.”

 Your gratifying smiled spread fully across your face before you dropped one of your hands to trail down your body, making a pit stop at your breast to tweak one of your nipples.

 “I miss you,” he whispered.

 “I miss you too. You have no idea. I used your soap in the shower and couldn’t help that my hand went down south.”

 Biting his bottom lip, he could see it as clear as day in his mind’s eye. His jeans were now highly uncomfortable. “How’d it feel?”

 “Not like when you do it. I like your hands better,” you whined.

 “Mmm, I wanna touch you so bad.”

 “I wish I could touch you, but you could—touch you.”

 His eyebrows rose. “Are we there?”

 You nodded. “Yes, we’re there,” you answered, referencing a conversation you’d had weeks ago that when things got tough, FaceTime sex was always an option. “We’re so there.”

 Not needing to be told twice, he sat up, perched his phone on a pillow, and began peeling off his shirt. Once it was off, he threw it in one direction then stood to peel off his jeans.

 “Mmmm, those jeans look uncomfortable, daddy.”

 His hands had never moved so quickly. He hopped as he peeled them off his thighs and kicked them in another direction.

 “You have no idea,” he replied before he climbed back into the bed with his boxer-briefs still on.

 As he laid on his back with a few pillows perched behind his head, he skimmed your body that was still in pain sight.

 “Show me,” you ordered. It was rare you did, but he liked it when you got controlling.

 Slowly he trailed his phone down his body, making sure that he dragged it out as long as possible. He knew what you wanted to see. Once he got to his waist, he lowered the waistband of his underwear before letting it snap back into place. Your groan was music to his ears.

 “Come on, baby, don’t tease me,” you whined.

 “Do you know me?”

 He gripped his hardened dick and rubbed, showing you just how hard he was. He couldn’t get it all in his hand no matter how big it was.

 “Mmmm, are you hard for me, baby?”

 His groan was deep, and he decided just to take them off. When he pulled the elastic down, his dick nudged on it until it sprang out, bobbing in the air.

 “Fuck daddy, I miss that dick so much.” Your hand was now between your thighs, and he’d never wanted to be someone else’s body part more.

 “Show me what’s mine, baby girl.”

 Without hesitation, you lowered your phone to show him just how wet you were. Your fingers glistened from the moisture that his tongue wanted all parts of.

 “Mmm, I’m so wet. Do you see what you do to me?”

 “Me? Look at this dick, girl.”

 He slowly stroked himself at first and then faster, all the while squeezing, doing his best to mimic your channel. His pants began low but quickly became audible. When he released an unexpected guttural groan, your moan overshadowed it, and he was instantly harder.

 “You have no idea how bad I want you, princess.”

 “Show me. Pretend your hand is mine. Pretend I’m right there between your legs about to drop my mouth on that big dick, Habibi.”

 He groaned, angled his head back, and closed his eyes. As his toes curled as the visual of you between his legs took over. “Mmm, you’re so fucking beautiful. I wish this dick was in your mouth.”

 “Mmm, me too. I wish you were fucking my mouth.” Your moans picked up, and his eyes snapped open to see your phone was now perched at the foot of the bed, giving him the perfect view between your legs, up your body, and of your face.

 “Shit, I love this view.”

 He quickly did the same with his phone so that you could have the same view and so he could have both hands. Once he was again lost in the pleasure of his hand with the visual of your mouth pushing him closer to the edge, he dipped his free hand lower to fondle himself.

 “Fuck, baby. How long has it been? They’re huge.”

 “The whole time,” he replied through his grunts.

 “This pussy misses you so bad. I wish you could stretch me out.”

 “You take me so fucking well, baby girl. Only you take this dick.”

 For the next few minutes, neither of you spoke. You just watched each other and raced to your respective finish lines. Every few seconds, your moans turned to whines and his to grunts and yelps. Your back was now arched off the bed with one hand on your breast.

 “Fuck, fuck, fuck. You’re gonna make me come!”

 “Shit me too,” he whimpered.

 You shot up to rest on your elbows and look right into his eyes. “Come for me, daddy. I want it. I want you to come right now.”

 “Where would you want it?”

 “Right here,” you said as you patted your pussy. “Come on, this wet pussy. Give it to me.”

 Your fingers were circling your clit faster, and he knew you were close.

 “Come with me, baby girl. Imagine you're sitting on my face. I want it. Soak my beard, princess.”

 Your hips bucked as if you were riding your fingers, pushing yourself to go faster and faster.

 “Oh my god, Zeeko, I’m coming, I’m coming, I’m coming!”

 Your screech was loud before your eyes closed, and your jaw dropped, and in seconds, you were screaming as the pinch of your nipple was tight. It was his telltale sign that you were coming. He wasn’t far behind you. His grip tightened around his dick, and when he stroked up to squeeze around his head, he shot his essence. Your eyes were glued to him as he released stream after stream up into the air. You watched it splat on his inner thigh, pelvis, and abdomen. Your gingers didn’t slow. He knew you liked to watch him come. It always turned you on even more.

 “Oh my god, I’m coming again,” you whined before you dipped your digits inside your heat, dropping your head back. He saw the liquid gush from you, and he was a goner.

 “Fuck!”

 It was the only thing he managed before he, too, came again, sending even more come across his belly. Neither of you spoke. The only sounds were that of your shared panting as your bodies cooled. When he brought his eyes back to his phone, you brought your head back to look at him. Your smile was a sheepish one as you brought your knees together, still giving him the most tempting sight of your soaking core.

 “Oh my god, my phone is soaked.”

 “That’s not the only thing.”

 You slipped your hand between your legs, briefly blocking his view before you brought your hand up to your mouth and moaned.

 “Mmmm. Tastes so good. ”

 “You’re evil.”

 You giggled, bent down, took your phone, and brought it to your face.

 “Six weeks more.”

 He groaned and brought his phone to his face. “The only way I’m going to make it is if we schedule more of these—a lot more.”

 The two of you laughed together until you both laid on your beds, angling the phone on the pillow beside you so the other would feel as if they were right beside them. That was the way you remained for the next few hours, all the while penciling each other in every night to do just this.

 It was going to be a long six weeks.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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[spinster-sisters]

Sunflower. Pt.2 LTY

Warnings: there is some mild sexy time thing but lemme tell you this relationship is toxic as fuck and get pretty heavy on the verbal fights so please don’t read if you are senstive to this kind of stuff.

THIS IS A REPOST FROM MY OLD BLOG

The minutes ticked slowly by on the clock.

You didn’t dare check the time, scared of how late it was, and how early you had to wake up in the morning. You were now in your senior year at university, and it took no genius to notice you had been somewhat distracted over the past year or so. And your grades took the fall for it, so here you were at the ungodly hours of the night, juggling fixing your grades and working at your part-time job.

And speaking of distractions, you hadn’t seen Taeyong in 5 days. He, as far as you knew, was in a similar boat, having put off school in favor of parties and drinking, he was somewhat distant to everyone that past week or so. You are fairly certain that the only people who he has even seen the past couple of days are his two best friends, Johnny and Jaehyun.

You had met them both a couple of times before, and they were very similar to Taeyong himself, though you had to admit, they were a bit nicer. But you had never gotten to close with them, certainly not close enough to ask about their friend. (Who you weren’t even dating)

As the hours went by you found your mind straying farther and farther away from the material of the book laid out in front of you, instead of to the beautiful man who had your heart. You were worried about him, you missed him. Your mind thought of the last time you had seen him. It had been at the last college football match, and since you hung around in similar circles your two groups of friends often sat near each other at these kinds of things. Not that he sat next to you, no way in hell. He kept his distance laughing and joking with his friends, barely glancing your direction. But you hardly even looked at the game, instead choosing to watch the expressions of the heavenly man only a few rows away. He had been wearing a graphic T, which had hung loosely of his lean shoulders,  and was tucked into his jeans. Your friends sitting next to you would elbow you in the ribs now and then notify you of something happening in the game, but not even the roaring crowd of thousands of happy college students could make you drag your eyes away from Taeyong as he jumped up, elated like his friends.

As the game came to a close you pleaded silently that the two groups of friends would stay together for the after-party, but your roommate (the person most aware of your infatuation) pulled you away from the festivities reminding you of the many hours of homework ahead of you that evening.

The party, you heard, was an eventful one. There were whispers through the grapevine that some disgruntled players from the opposing school found their way to the party and (though there are about 15 different versions of the story) Taeyong was the main reason 2 of them left with a black eye. You don’t know how much you believe that, Taeyong was many things but violent was not one of them, but it worried you none the less. Especially since he has been MIA since that night. I mean, what if he got hurt? What if he was in the hospital?

You pulled your mind out of the speeding train of thought. Your eyes were burning after staring at the pages of your textbook in the dim light for so long, and lateness of the hour only added to the heaviness of your lids. Not to mention the hard surface of your cheap desk and chair were a great discomfort to your aching bones after the long shift you had finished not 4 hours before. You finally gave yourself the relife of rubbing your bloodshot eyes and stretching your crackling spine. Now you looked at the clock next to you on the cheap yellow wood of your desk.

2:13 am.

As though the number themselves triggered it, you opened your mouth in a shaking yawn that moved its way through your body in waves.  The exhaustion and desire for sleep were so severe you wondered whether you would make it all the way to your bed about 4 feet away. After coming to the realization that continuing to stare blankly again at your textbook would change nothing, you moved to stand up, lifting your arms above your head and arching your back side to side feeling the pleasant cracks. But your movements twords your bed were halted by your phone notification flashing. Lifting your phone closer to your head, straining your tired eyes you read. It was a simple question from your friend about your plans the next day (something you planned on replying to tomorrow morning) but the alert sent a thought to your brain.

Maybe you should call him.

You don’t know why this came into your head, it’s not like he had the best track record for answering you, and it’s not like he is likely to respond after being away for so long. But your earlier thoughts and fears resurfaced in your head, enough so that you typed out a quick message to the man and sent it before you could think twice:

To: Taeyong

“Hey, don’t know where you’ve been but I missed you”

[2:15 am]

The train car stank slightly and rumbled severely, but the giddiness bubbling in your tummy at the thought of the day out with those closest to you had all negative thoughts pushed out of your mind. Soon the monotone robotic voice sounded over the PA informing you of your arrival. Your roommate took the both of you by the arms and safely guided the three of you off the stain and above ground. Though it was still early morning the sun shown brilliantly against the glass windows of the surrounding buildings.

Pushing the thoughts out of your brain you crawled into your bed.

———————————

The plans you and your friend had for the day was simple, heading into the city your campus was on the outskirts of. Both of you had been spending the past two weeks working your asses off so as a reward you, your best friend and your roommate were now sitting on the subway heading to the heart of the city.

Besides time and a meeting place, you and your two companions had no real plan for the day, instead, allowing the day to take you where it will. As the sun moved through the sky so did your group through the city, going from shop to shop or park to park, even possibly a wedding reception (though your roommate dragged you and your friend away before it could be considered “wedding crashing”)

As the day drew to a close, the sun finally falling behind the towers, your best friend had the sudden idea to do something daring. The day had been an all-round success and had even managed to keep Taeyong out of your mind for the past few hours which was a feat in itself, so you decided to indulge your friend and ask her what she had in mind.

You were stopped at a street corner outside a quaint looking coffee shop and the time for nightlife was just beginning. The three of you were stood in a circle and as your friend spoke she leaned in, giving her words a childish giddy tone.

“Let’s get tattoos!” she spoke in a whispered shout. You scoffed at the idea leaning back in disbelief.

“Why would I spend my hard-earned money to have someone draw on my skin?” you asked allowed, expecting to have your roommate, ever the sensible one, back you up. But after being met with silence your head whipped to her to see the pensive yet optimistic look on her face.

“Oh no, don’t tell me you’re ok with this?” You asked in disbelief, gesticulating madly in her direction. She gave you a sheepish smile and said;

“Well, it is our last year of undergrad, might as well do something to remember it” all the while speaking with a bashful smile on her face.

“What?!” you could not believe the words you were hearing. Looking back and forth between your two friends did nothing to ease the confusion on your head. But after staring at them for a minute, them looking determined, you spoke;

“I’ll come with you but don’t expect me to get anything” you spoke resolutely. At this your friend, the initiator of the idea refuted,

“No, absolutely not, we are doing this together or not at all!”  She looked defiant.

The longer you considered the darker it got and as much as you didn’t want to admit it you had been sort of detached from the people closest to you because of Taeyong and it sounded nice to be apart of the group again. You continued to mull it over for a few more moments before speaking apprehensively.

The day was now over and you were comfortably laying on your bed sprawled out over the covers like a starfish with a content smile etched onto your lips as you watched the blades of your ceiling fan revolve, listening to the gentle hum of voices from whatever your roommate was listening to in her room.

“Fine, something small”

———————

The parlor had been intimidating and severe but after walking out with a small sunflower tattoo on your right ribs (easily concealable in the future)  you felt like a new woman. The three of you pilled into the nearest public restroom to take an Instagram picture of your new “Ink” (as your friend so childishly put)

The peace was broken however when the blaring sound of your ring tone sounded through the room. Your heart jumped at the initial sound but you quickly calmed and reached out to answer it. Whatever spike your heart received at the ringtone was nothing compared to the jolt at the name flashing on your screen:

Taeyong

You stared blankly at it for a few moments before rushing to answer it, practically shooting upright on your bed while bringing your phone to your ear. The eagerness that boiled inside of you whenever you were around the beautiful man grew as you awaited the sound of his voice.

“Hello?” you said almost too quickly before the call completely connected. You half expected the kind of brooding silence he usually gave you to build anticipation when he called you for sex, but instead, he spoke almost as quickly as you did.

“Let me in” the voice was not the smooth or a rich as honey as it usually was, in fact, it was almost coarse and rough. But this fact did nothing to stop the growing need in your heart knowing he was so close.

You barely choked out a ‘sure’ before running to meet him. The fact you were barely covered in an oversized t-shirt you bought yourself and underwear and the fact that you did not tell your roommate what was happening did not cross your mind as your body acted practically of its own accord, flinging your front door open and running down the several flights of stairs to the main door. Only when you reached the main entrance did the state of your dress and the lateness of the hour occur to you. But you didn’t have time to be embarrassed with Taeyong on the other side of the door. Panting you pulled open the door.

The sight of him was as beautiful as always, to you, he carried a glow around him that made him stand out from everyone else. Your mind already fogging over from the proximity after being apart for so long. While you were starstruck at the sight of him, his eyes only narrowed as he looked you up and down once before shoving his way through the door. dazed, you allowed him to drag you wordlessly back up to your apartment by the vice grip he held on your wrist. The entire way up the stairs your eyes did not leave his back. Even in the thick hoodie he was wearing your eyes could almost see where the toned muscles of his back would be if you could see them, your mouth watered at the thought and your head swam with the desire to hold him as close to your body as possible. Taeyong gave you no such opportunity, instead of keeping himself at least 2 steps ahead of you, dragging you limply behind him.

When you finally made it back through the threshold of your apartment Taeyong kicked the door closed behind him a continued the pull you twords your room. Your roommate called out, “Y/N? What’s going on?” from her room, clearly still preoccupied with the TV show she was watching. You awoke from your daze the tinnies bit but before you could answer Taeyong spoke loudly in response:

“None of your damn business”

Pulling open the door to your room pushing you in ahead of him and slamming the door so forcefully you briefly thought it might break off the wall. Distantly, as though it was coming from underwater, you heard your roommate scoff as though unsurprised. But this was inconsequential to you right now, all your mind seemed to fully understand was Taeyong standing before you with a scowl etched on to his perfect features.

Normally Taeyong would take his time working you up to near insanity before acting but tonight he was a man on a mission, merely pushing you back onto the bed. You instinctively slid back till your back hit the wall but your eyes did not leave his. Honestly, it was rare to have his full undivided attention even when he was toying with you, but the penetrative stare made you feel as though he could see every inch of your body with x-ray vision and the sensation was intoxicating.

Taeyong wasted no time in climbing on top of you and caging your head between his arms. Your head was swimming, Taeyong, his weight pressing down on you and, his heavenly musk being the only thing any of your five senses you perceive. Your heart was racing a mile a minute and your throat constricted the closer he got. You’re sure he could feel the eagerness radiating off your body.

Taeyongs hand slid from their place on the mattress to the hem of your shirt and in one quick motion he pulled it off. An instant cold hit your now exposed chest, but after a year of encounters with Taeyong, you knew better than to cover your now hardening nipples from the cold air. But Taeyong didn’t seem to notice or care about your compliance with his tastes and rules, instead, his eyes were fixed, unmoving from the dark lines etched into your skin covered by the clear wrappings. His eyes swam with unrecognizable emotions but you, who are so attuned to him, knew after only a few seconds that he was not pleased with what he saw.

Your heart sank and dread-filled your chest, in a childish attempt to keep him from looking so disapprovingly at the mark you moved your hand to cover it. But the damage had been done.

The disapproving look did not leave his eyes as they slowly moved from the inky skin upwards to your hardening nipples. A low rumble came out of his chest as he moved you farther back onto the bed placing his body between your automatically parting legs. He moved his head closer and began leaving bites and bruises on your neck and chest.

You were in euphoria as the feeling of his wet plush lips moved up and down on your neck, leaving a cold slick trail in their wake. It did not take much for Taeyong to get you keening with desire, and though this was not his usual tactic of reducing you to putty by merely his words before even laying a finger on you, it was still working like a charm. As you looked down at your bodies pressed together and his beautiful hands sliding up and down your torso you had a feeling that he could feel the slick in your panties and the heat radiating off of them.

Eventually, Taeyong pulled back just enough to watch your expressions, one hand slowly slid from its place on your waist up your body to the roots of your hair, and the other slid lower, trailing the skin above your panties briefly before slipping into them. At first, he did nothing but stare at you. You were panting with anticipation, practically mewling at the mere thought of him. You are sure the desperation could be seen in your eyes, but you didn’t care, you wanted him to know how much he means to you especially in this way where no other man could give you the same satisfaction.

His hand was cold where it sat securely cupping your heat, your body started to buck slightly into his hand, pleading him to just do something.

“How badly do you need it?” He questioned allowed in a surprisingly amused voice. You whined out a response and bucked your hips once more into his hand.

“That’s, not an answer baby,” He remarked casually as the heat the pooled in your abdomen burned even stronger, sweat was beginning to form on your brow as your body worked itself up into a fervor. You wanted him more than anything you have ever wanted before. Your head swam with thoughts, but the only discernable thing in them was the face of the godly man before you, who glowed in the yellow lights of your bedroom.

“I need it so bad Tae” You spoke, your voice came out raspy.

“And who do you want to give it to you?”  He asked, finally moving his hand the slightest bit to slid between your folds. Your breath hitched so severely that you nearly choked. And when one long slender finger found it’s purchase providing your entrance you lost the ability to breathe at all.

It felt like you had done hard drugs with how intensely your mind spun. Every inch of your body tingled with desire for Taeyong.

“You, Taeyong, please” You pleaded so desperately, closing your eyes to shield yourself from the powerful glow that radiated off of him. But just when you thought he would grace you with the pleasure you so desperately desired, his hand pulled away and out of your panties abruptly. A pitiful whine so long and drawn out it was shameful, escaped your lips as your body attempted to curl in on itself to fill the spot where Taeyongs hand was not moments ago, but his lean body was still positioned over yours keeping you in place. The hand that had been in your hair tightened dangerously as he forced your dazed eyes to meet his clear ones.

“So just to be clear,” he spoke in his scarily dominating voice, “You need me” He spoke every word with such a definitive tone. Your eyes had gone wide in shock after the initial stupor and feeling of emptiness subsided. You pressed your back into the mattress and nodded at him, after all, it was true.

Taeyong leaned back onto his heels, still kneeling on the bed, still keeping you securely beneath him.

“When I saw it on Instagram I hoped it was a joke.” He stated plainly, crossing his arms after gesturing vaguely to the marks on your stomach. The disappointment that dripped from every word made you want to crawl deeper and deeper into the blankets. You had disappointed him, you shouldn’t have let your friends talk you into getting it.

“And to think I was going to reward you next time I saw you.”  you burned with embarrassment.

“And what exactly were you thinking” He accused, leaning back over you with a severity you had never heard in his voice. The shame was unbearable.

“Marking up your skin?” He nearly spat at you. You felt awful like you had failed him, the only person who mattered to you at all. But in his next words, his voice shifted to a sickly sweet tone.

“My baby girl doing something like this without asking me?” He asked allowed as if it was a scandalizing thing for you to do.

But his words caused something to snap in you. You were coming down from the dazed high that seemed to permeate your brain whenever Taeyong was around. You felt hurt and cut deep, and possibly for the first time, a twinge of anger rose in your chest as his accusatory glare still shown down on you.  

Your face hardened as the anger rose. Fuck this.

You forced yourself into a sitting position and pulled your discarded shirt over your head. Taeyong was thrown off balance by this and fell slightly onto the bed. His face held shock but anger was still the predominant emotion as he pushed himself off the bed to stand on the floor in front of you.

You had never acted out against him before so both of you seem equally surprised at your actions and certainly, neither of you knew what you were going to do next. Your brain was still quite a bit fuzzy but was gaining clarity quickly but the only thing you truly felt at this moment was, for the first time, you wanted Taeyong out. So that’s what you went with.

“Leave” you demanded simply, breaking eye contact with his smoldering gaze. Even as you spoke a significant portion of your hear was calling out to you to stop. To not let yourself push away the man you craved so intently. Taeyong made no move to leave only raising an eyebrow. You could tell that he was not taking you seriously, as he never has, so you repeated yourself, firmer and meeting his eyes.

“Leave”

“I’m not going to do that” he replies cooly, it was clear to him that he still held the power in this interaction and he was determined to keep it.

“Now how bout you tell me what’s bothering you so I can get back to dealing with this little act of defiance,” he remarks, causally gesturing to the patch of skin beneath your shirt. He was treating you like a child. Like a dumb little girl throwing a tantrum. You began to seeth where you sat staring up at him. He made a move to reach out to you but you shoved his hand away. Fixing your face with a determined expression.

“Taeyong, get the fuck out of my apartment,”  The mild amusement in his face disappeared. His eyes darkened dangerously, a sign you had become accustomed to. He was getting angry as well, but he still made no move to leave. The longer he stood there to more your blood boiled and the more you glared at each other the higher the tension rose.

“Watch your mouth, babe” He growled at you.

“Don’t tell me what to do Taeyong” You said raising your voice and pushing yourself off the bed to face him. You had never been anything but compliant with him, scared to lose whatever affection he had for you. Even in the moments he frustrated you or broke your heart you would still obey his every command because the idea of being without those few minutes with him was worse than enduring the hours of pain that he caused. But now as you stand here you could not stop the flow of words escaping your mouth, though deep in your heart you knew you would regret them later.

“Do not tell me what to do Taeyong. I am sick and tired of this shit! You come into my life, maybe twice a week if I’m lucky, fuck around with me and my emotions, make demands, make me act a certain way, only to leave me and disappear for days! and yet I still come running any time you call just for the chance to be in your presence. You treat me like I am a child and even when I am with you it’s like I am the 3rd thing on your priorities list!”

You took a panting breath.

“God fucking damn it Taeyong, you have stopped in the middle of fucking me just to go off to some party and you think you have the right to come in here and take ownership of my body?” You screamed out every word at him and with every word his face hardened.

“Sweetheart, I don’t think I have the right, I know I do” he growled out, “Because in case you haven’t noticed it is you that comes crawling back not me, it is you who hangs on every word I say, it is you who fell in love with me.” Spat out at you, voice dripping with malice.

“Yes I do treat you like a child because you are one, it’s like you are completely dependent on me and its pathetic! You call me and text me every fucking hour of the day like it’s my job to listen to your cries. I have better things to do than comfort you over every tinny inconvenience.” His speech was filled with more emotion than you had ever heard come out of him, and honestly, you wanted more.

“Fuck off Taeyong” You spat turning away from him and staring out your window.

“Oh, no no no, you wanted to fight, now we are going to fight!” He practically roars at your back, stepping closer to you where you stood your ground.

“You are the neediest and most obsessed person I ever meet. Remember I don’t need you, I really fucking don’t. And yet you get crazy every time I don’t talk to you for a day, what the fuck was that by the way 'Hey, don’t know where you’ve been but I missed you’ If I thought it was important that you knew where I was I would have fucking told you. I don’t fucking love you so why are you so obsessed with me”  He calls out to you. You rounded on him.

“Do not act like you didn’t want me to fall for you possessive son of a bitch! You were so scared of sharing your toys you made it a point to make me care about you so that others would stay away!”

Your voices were getting louder and louder with each passing jab.

“Yeah, I don’t like sharing! I never said I was a good guy Y/N, I don’t give a fuck about your feelings but I will be fucking damned if I let some random ass guy of the street touch you or let you put black shit in your skin! I know you better than anyone and you know what the best part is? It will fucking stay that way, cuz I know that right now you are just eating up all the attention I am giving you aren’t you, you pathetic bitch!

Just as he was about to continue the door was thrown open and your roommate stocked into the room. Her expression was hard and emotionless. She marched right up to where Taeyong stood motionless, grabbed the man by the collar and flung him twords the door. She spoke with the kind of finality that sent shivers down your spine.

"Taeyong, its time your you to leave.”

After processing her words he gave her a quick once over as if deciding if it was worth fighting. And as he turned and walked out the door you had the sinking realization had he had decided that you were not worth the trouble.

After the sound of the front door opening and closing your roommate turned to were you stood and addressed you for the first time.

“are you alright?”

It occurred to you now for the first time that you were crying. Because Taeyong was right, you did like it in those moments where it seemed for the first time that you were truly the sole object of his attention.

[artificialqueens]

Private Show (Biadore) - Sarcastacnt

Roy has been watching Danny’s live streams maybe a little too intently. What happens when Danny finds out? Takes place way back in 2015 during BOTS.

A/n this sat for about 2 weeks cause I could not for the life of me come up with a title. This was also started as me wanting to practice writing smut. Yup. Not sorry about it.

~*~

2015

Battle of the Seasons Tour

London, England

Roy wasn’t sure when it started, not really. He knew that by the time the reunion was filmed he had developed a crush on one of his best friends. The only reason he remembered having feelings for Danny at the reunion was because of that fucking crush question. When Adore had answered in the negative, Roy felt disappointed and called on Bianca to come up with a joke to save face.

Thankfully Roy was good at hiding his feelings and now, a full year after the reunion he still managed to keep them to himself. Well, he’d told Shane a year ago but he had been very drunk at the time. Shane had rolled his eyes and said something about kangaroos jumping good.

At some point over the last year Danny had begun doing these live video chats with his fans. Roy had watched a few with mild interest, Danny chatting about whatever was on his mind was nothing new. It was just how Danny was, he had no filter and he very rarely thought before he spoke. Roy had almost stopped watching them until one night someone had asked Danny to dance. Maybe Danny had been a little more intoxicated than normal. Or maybe he had smoked too much weed. Whatever the case, not only had he danced but he had stripped down to just a black thong. Roy had watched with eyes wide, jaw slack and pants rapidly tightening. He was loathe to admit it, but when the stream ended Roy had been left sitting in his computer chair with his cock in hand and cum dripping all over his fist.

Since that first dancing video, Roy made a point to watch every single stream Danny put out. Any time he danced or stripped, Roy ended up getting off. Some nights when Danny was really feeling himself, the dances would take on a far more sexual energy then normal. Once Roy had  managed to get off twice over the course of one particularly hot thirty minute stream (something he hadn’t been able to do since his 20’s). All it had taken was Danny slowly sucking one, then two and finally started choking himself with three of his long fingers. Danny moaned when his fingers hit the back of his throat and made him gag. The moan he let out, that incredibly arousing moan was now seared into Roy’s mind.

Roy knew it wasn’t a great idea to use his best friend’s live streams as though they were his personal porn. It was hard to resist though, those streams turned Roy on more then anything pornhub had to offer. Maybe it was the fact that Roy knew Danny personally that made it so arousing, or maybe it was because of the crush he had on his best friend (probably the later). Whatever the case, it made sharing a bed way too exciting for Roy to sleep well if he slept at all. Since they were currently touring together for Battle of the Seasons, they ended up sharing a bed frequently.

They were all given their own hotel rooms on those glorious nights they didn’t have to sleep on the bus. Though that didn’t stop Danny from climbing into Roy’s bed every chance he got. It had started when Danny claimed whoever was in the room next to his was having a screaming match. He had looked at Roy with those big green eyes and Roy had been helpless to do anything other then sigh and open the door. Since that first night, Danny’s excuses had gotten  weaker but Roy always let him in. Danny would grin from ear to ear, strip down to his boxers and dive into bed. Having Danny’s nearly naked body pressed up against him at night was costing Roy more sleep then he could afford to lose.

The first time Roy had woken up as the little spoon with Danny’s morning erection poking his ass, he had been more then a little tempted to roll over and suck Danny off. All he could think about was how Danny had happily choked himself with his fingers and how badly Roy wanted to shove his cock into Danny’s mouth. He wanted to hear, not to mention feel Danny moan around a mouthful of his cock. He managed to control himself however, settling for grinding his ass ever so slightly against Danny’s cock. Roy thought he was busted when Danny clutched his hip and started moving against Roy. He risked a glance over his shoulder only to find Danny still asleep. Allowing himself to enjoy the faux fucking for a few moments,  Roy eventually moved away from Danny and went to finish himself off in the shower.

Danny discovering just what Roy was doing during his live streams was Roy’s biggest fear. He just had no idea how Danny would react if he found out. Danny was pretty (very) comfortable with his body so he probably wouldn’t be embarrassed but he might find the whole thing gross. Maybe even gross enough to either block Roy from joining any future streams or just flat out be done with Roy all together. The possibility of Danny no longer being a part of his life was something Roy wasn’t sure he could handle. So, Roy kept his new habit very much to himself. Not being good at all things technological (social media aside) he figured that as long as he remained silent in the chat, Danny wouldn’t even notice that he had been watching.

Maybe Roy just needed to get laid. He should go out with Shane and actually bring back trade one night. The worry that he would end up saying Danny’s name at some point had kept Roy returning to his room alone for weeks. Besides, none of the other men could hold a candle to Danny and Roy wasn’t interested in fucking some random man when he could be cuddling in bed with the real thing.

That had to be what was going on, right? Just a need to get laid, combined with Danny’s strip teases. He just needed to get off and Danny’s streams were a convenient source of arousing material. He refused to believe that he was allowing this crush to interfere with his life. In reality Roy’s behaviour had made his crush very apparent to every other queen on the tour, Danny included.

~*~

Just because he played dumb when in drag did not mean that Danny was stupid. Far from it, he was far brighter then most people gave him credit for and was especially gifted when it came to reading people’s energy. He had known since at least the reunion that Roy had a crush on him. That was why he had hesitated before answering, he hadn’t wanted to hurt Roy. The truth was that at that moment he wasn’t sure how he felt. He had noticed right away how attractive Roy was and loved every part of him, even the 6am with no coffee part and that bitch was hateful.

Now Danny knew he absolutely liked Roy in a way that went beyond friendship. He had been hesitant to do anything about it because of how much he liked hooking up. At 25 he was growing tired of sleeping with people he didn’t know and would probably never see again. He hadn’t wanted to be with Roy if he couldn’t give the older man his whole self. As frightening as it sounded, Danny was ready to commit.

Danny, who was good with technology, always knew when Roy was watching one of his streams. He made a point to look for Roy’s name in the chat. The older queen never participated in the chat though, not even to throw shade. The little bubble with Bianca’s face in it let Danny know that Roy was watching. Whenever Danny knew Roy was there, he made sure to put on a show. The first time he had stripped down to his thong, his eyes had remained on that tiny icon of Roy’s face. As soon as he had logged off that night, Danny had gotten himself off while imagining that Roy had been in the same room as him. That the strip tease had been a private show, just for Roy. In Danny’s fantasy, Roy hadn’t been able to contain himself and had jumped Danny as soon as his thong hit the floor.

That was how his evenings went almost every time he recorded a stream. Getting off to whatever images of Roy his brain could come up with. It was getting so bad in fact, that Danny never really watched porn anymore. All he wanted was to get off to thoughts of Roy. Danny knew he should probably feel guilty but he was almost positive that Roy was using his streams to get off. One night Danny had rushed to Roy’s room after a stream and found his friend flushed and slightly out of breath. Despite Roy’s baggy sweat pants, Danny hadn’t missed the older man’s semi hard cock or the look of pure want when he saw Danny.

Danny wasn’t sure when his crush on Roy had begun but now that crush was turning into more. It was so silly! Both he and Roy were avoiding discussing their mutual attraction. Ducking around this fire that burned hotter and hotter every time they interacted.

Danny knew there was something there, all he had to do was get Roy to admit it. He snorted, easier said than done.  He racked his brain, trying to come up with a way to force Roy into admitting  what was going on between them.  Or rather what had the potential to go on. A prank video he had seen recently popped into his head. They had used a simple app that had looked like Instagram but was really a two way call. Danny shivered at the thought of catching Roy in the act. He thought about watching Roy as he touched himself for Danny, because of Danny. The thought made Danny shiver and his pants tighten. He knew he had to make that happen and all he needed was five minutes with Roy’s laptop. With a smirk on his face, Danny jumped to his feet and nearly ran all the way to Roy’s hotel room. It was happening tonight, Danny was done with the teasing and the nights alone.

~*~

“Hey B, can I borrow your laptop please? Mine’s acting up.” Danny asked, after knocking and being allowed into Roy’s room.

“Yeah of course, you know the password?” Roy asked as he handed Danny the computer.

Danny nodded, “Yep!” he took the laptop, climbed onto Roy’s bed and quickly set his plan in motion. Thankfully this hotel had decent wifi so downloading the app wouldn’t take long. His tongue poked out the corner of his mouth as he worked.

The absent minded gesture caught Roy’s eye. He pulled his gaze from his phone and focused on Danny. Fuck did he ever look hot. His face was a study in concentration, hands moving over the keyboard so surely that Roy couldn’t help but wish Danny was touching him instead. Quickly shoving that thought aside, Roy wondered if Danny was planning on another stream tonight.

“You gonna strip for your mermaids again tonight?” Roy asked, somehow managing to keep his tone flat, as though he wasn’t overly interested in the answer. Which was most assuredly not the case.

Danny looked up at Roy and shut the laptop. He climbed to his feet and walked to the desk where Roy was watching him.  Danny set the computer on the table and dropped a hand to Roy’s shoulder. “I’m putting on a special show in about an hour. You should watch.”

Roy shook his head, “Not tonight chola. I still have a tone of work to do.” He had emails to answer, planning his own show was a lot of work.

Danny lay his other hand on Roy’s shoulder and leaned forward until his mouth was beside Roy’s left ear. “Please B?” he whispered. “I promise it’ll be worth your time.” His breath was tickling Roy’s neck and the older queen squirmed in his seat. Danny was squirming as well, he felt almost drunk on everything that was Roy. The smell of his aftershave, the feel of his skin, the hitch in his breathing and the tiny noises Roy was making all working together to drive Danny insane.

“Adore…” Roy grimaced when his voice didn’t come out as stern as he’d hoped.

Danny gently kissed Roy’s ear, followed by his neck. Danny thought for sure that Roy would have pushed him away by now but no, for some reason Roy seemed perfectly content to let Danny not only hug him but kiss him as well. Deciding to see just how far he could push his luck, Danny licked a hot stripe from the base of Roy’s neck up to his ear. Then he took the ear lobe in his mouth and nipped at it before soothing the reddened skin with his tongue. He started flicking his tongue behind Roy’s ear, searching for any sensitive spots. He must have found one, Roy let out a low groan and his eyes slid shut.

Roy shivered as Danny continued kissing his neck. The soft brush of his lips was forcing Roy to think about other places on his body he would very much like to feel Danny’s lips. “I just have a lot of work to do. Maybe next time?” Somehow he managed to keep his voice even, which was surprising considering how fast his heart was beating. Danny was now caressing his shoulders, chest and arms, all the while running slow, gentle kisses up and down his neck.

“It would mean so much to me.” Danny let his tongue flick the soft skin behind Roy’s left ear. “Please? I’ll make it up to you.” He paused for a second before a mischievous grin spread across his face. “Oooh, is this one of those times when you want me to beg for it? Maybe call you daddy? Cause I can do that.”

Roy’s entire face went red. There was no way he would be able to control himself if Danny started calling him that. He sighed in defeat and gave in. “Fine. I’ll watch.”

Danny squealed and hugged Roy tightly, pressing a kiss to his cheek. “Yay! Thank you! You’re the best B!”

Roy squirmed in Danny’s tight embrace, “Yeah, yeah, now get out. I gotta finish this if I’m gonna have time to watch.”

Danny nodded, “I gotta go get ready anyway! See you soon!” with a wave and a wink, Danny was gone. Roy let out a sigh,  he really needed to learn how to say no to that silly chola.

~*~

One hour later, Roy sat in bed with his back up against the headboard and laptop open. He was in an old tee-shirt and boxers, since Danny had promised a ‘special’ show, Roy figured he’d be dancing. Hence the loose boxers and bottle of lube on the night stand.

Roy frowned and cocked his head to the side as he saw the “Instagram” app, the colours were just slightly off. He examined the app closely and noticed that the letters a and g were both backwards. Curiosity got the better of him and Roy quickly googled the app that was definitely not Instagram.

MIS COLOURED INSTAGRAM ICON

Suggested: Would you like to learn to type like a normal human person?

Roy narrowed his eyes at his surprisingly shady laptop. Below that unhelpful suggestion was the information Roy needed.

“Sneaky bastard.” He chucked to himself. Danny had switched the app with a two way calling one that was designed to look very similar to Instagram. If you weren’t looking closely it was easy to miss the differences.  Roy wondered what Danny had planned that he only wanted Roy to see. He glanced over at the bottle of lube, debating if he should put it away. No, Danny had been flirting with him earlier, whatever this ‘special show was there was little doubt in Roy’s mind that he would need the lube. He decided to let Danny believe that the switch had worked, he would keep it to himself that he was aware of Danny’s plan.

With a few clicks, Roy had the app open and saw Danny was already online. As soon as Danny’s image came into focus, Roy’s mouth went dry and his cock twitched.

Danny was kneeling on the bed, dressed in an old Pink Floyd tee-shirt and black thong. His dark brown hair was long enough to brush his shoulders now and Danny was running his hands through it while he licked his lips.

“Why do you guys always wanna see me dance?” Danny chuckled as he started looking for a song.

“Maybe cause they’re a bunch of thirsty bastards and you’re too sexy for your own good.” Roy mumbled, trying not to laugh as Danny addressed the nonexistent chat.

Danny snorted with laughter and his face went a little red. While he looked for a song to dance to, Danny chanced a glance at Roy. His heart skipped a beat when he saw Roy sitting in bed with the lube next to him. Danny bit his lip as he considered the implication of that tiny bottle. Fuccckk, how did Roy turn him on so much by just sitting in bed?

“Oh! This one! I haven’t heard this in forever!” Danny exclaimed as he clicked something on his laptop.

‘Ava Adore’ by The Smashing Pumpkins began to play and Danny started to dance. He was still kneeling on the bed as he began to roll his hips. Danny smirked at the camera as he dragged his hands from his waist to tangle in his hair and back down again. With a wink he pulled up the bottom of his tee-shirt just a little, teasing Roy with a brief glimpse of the pale smooth skin covered with a light dusting of hair.

Roy groaned. Fuck, not even a minute in and he was ready to rip his boxers off and start masturbating. He couldn’t remember wanting anyone as badly as he wanted Danny. His desire had moved beyond simple want, he needed Danny, had to have him, to feel that ass when he was buried inside it, to feel those lips working his cock before painting Danny’s pretty face with cum.

Danny noticed Roy’s wandering attention and frowned. He felt almost offended that Roy wasn’t giving his strip tease the attention Danny felt it deserved. Arching one eyebrow, Danny addressed the camera; “What could be more exciting than me?”

Roy snorted and tried not to laugh at Danny’s absolutely adorable frown. Poor Danny looked very serious but all Roy wanted to do was ruffle his hair or maybe pinch one of his cheeks. Roy shook his head and turned his attention back to the image of his best friend. “Not much chola, I’m already fucking hard.”

“Good.” Danny said and he pulled off his shirt and smirked when Roy did the same. A low moan escaped Danny as he raked his eyes over Roy’s chest. With the shirt out of the way, Danny could now see the obvious tenting of Roy’s boxers. His mouth fell open and his tongue poked out the side mindlessly as he thought about tearing off those boring gray boxers and licking every last millimeter of Roy’s cock. Danny closed his eyes and shuddered, he wanted to taste Roy so fucking bad.

Roy could almost feel Danny’s gaze burning his skin as the chola took in his shirtless form. He saw Danny’s cock twitch in his thong and groaned when he realised that it was all for him. Just taking his shirt off had Danny moaning and licking his lips. Fuck, Danny’s face was the personification of desire right now. Knowing now that Danny wanted him filled Roy with both pride and lust. “You’re so fucking gorgeous.” Roy gasped as he squeezed himself through his boxers.

Danny grinned and felt himself blush at the compliment. He eyed Roy’s hand with envy, from what Danny could see it appeared all those jokes about being a ‘big top’ were true. With a groan Danny began to thrust his hips as he moved to the music. “Mmm, are you as turned on as I am?”

Roy could only nod as he continued to stroke himself over top of his boxers. He groaned as he watched Danny move. Why the hell did the stupid chola have to be so fucking sexy?

Danny ran his hands up to his chest and began to play with his nipples. “I wish you were here with me. Wish my hands were yours. I need you daddy.” Danny closed his eyes and bit his lower lip as he pinched his nipples harder.

“Fuck…” Roy breathed, his eyes fluttered shut for a moment. When he opened them again he watched Danny continue to play with his nipples. “Me too chola. I bet I could make you beg just by playing with your nipples.” Roy moved his hands to his own chest and gave a thorough demonstration of what he would like to do to Danny. “Fuck baby boy, I don’t  know if you’ve ever looked better. All hard and begging, only for me.”

Danny traced the outline of his erection through the thong, teasing himself. Hearing Roy call him ‘baby boy’ made him groan. Roy couldn’t possibly know that yes, all of it was for him and him alone. Danny wanted to scream as he locked his eyes on Roy’s still contained cock. Even through the lap top camera, Danny could see the wet mark where pre cum was leaking from the tip. He shoved two fingers in his mouth and began thrusting them in and out until they were drenched, before trailing them down his body.

“Mmm, your hands feel so good.” He said, imagining his hands were Roy’s. “I want you so badly.” He was staring right into Roy’s eyes now, wondering how long it would take before Roy figured out what was really going on. “Please daddy…” he whimpered as he squeezed his erection.

Roy couldn’t stop the noise that escaped him. “Fuck…Danny…” he groaned as he caressed himself through his boxers.

Danny let out a little moan as he saw Roy touch himself. “Will you touch yourself for me?” his voice was low and sounded like pure sin.

“Fuck me…”

Danny chucked, “Don’t I wish babe. Now do it, pull it out and touch yourself for me.” Danny commanded, as he began to toy with the waist band of his thong.

Roy didn’t immediately respond to Danny’s order, he wanted to take his time tonight. He’d fooled around over Skype before but this was so fucking different, so fucking good.

When he saw Roy wasn’t playing along, Danny frowned. He didn’t like it when he didn’t get his way. “I’m not gonna keep going until you do as you’re told.”

The harsh tone of his voice was doing something to Roy. His cock twitched, begging for attention. Roy gave in, he set his laptop aside and pulled off his boxers before setting the computer back on his thighs.

Danny’s mouth went dry as he got a look at Roy’s erection. Sure, he had heard the rumors and Roy’s own jokes but the reality was something else. He wanted nothing more in that moment then to rush down the hall and wrap his lips around it.

“Mmm, you’re so big baby, so hard just for me.” Danny paused for a minute before deciding to really push his luck. “What would you do to me if you were here? Tell me.”

“Fuck…” Roy breathed. He ran through a list of fantasies in his mind before settling on the one that had consumed his mind the most often.

“Fuck baby boy, I’d bend you over and fuck you hard. Make you call me daddy.”

Danny closed his eyes briefly at Roy’s words. Oh he’d call the older man daddy all he wanted.  “Would you make me beg for it daddy? Or just give me what I want?”

Roy groaned at the use of ‘daddy’. “Depends on whether or not you’re a good boy for me. Hun chola? What would you be?”

“I wish you were here daddy, I’d be so good for you. Let you do anything you wanted to me.”

Roy watched Danny’s hand as he gripped himself with an expression of open jealousy on his face. Roy would have done terrible things in that moment to replace Danny’s hand with his. He looked back up into Danny’s eyes and groaned seeing how wide his pupils were blown. Danny’s long brown hair was a mess and his face was flushed. He looked fucking divine. Roy watched as Danny caressed his erection.

“Anything hun? Hmm, in that case I’d start by sucking your cock until you fucking beg for more.”

Danny groaned as Roy spoke. If this night didn’t end with Roy plowing Danny into the mattress he wasn’t sure he’d get over it. If Danny did end up alone tonight, Roy sucking his cock until he begged was what Danny would think about while he jerked off. Listening to Roy actually tell Danny what he wanted to do to him made him seriously consider the possibility of cumming from Roy’s voice alone. The arousal was obvious in his voice, which was deeper than Danny had ever heard it and it made Danny’s cock throb.

“I’d set you on the bed on all fours and eat your ass while fingering you until you were ready to take my cock. Then I’d make you suck my cock, force you to take all of it while I spank you. Listening to you gag while I pull your hair.” Roy kept his eyes on Danny.

The images Roy was providing Danny with were making him tremble. Danny absolutely loved rough oral sex, both giving and receiving. He looked at Roy’s hands and pictured them gripping his hair tightly while thrusting into Danny’s more then willing mouth. Between what Roy was saying and the way Danny was touching himself, he was getting close to his release. It really wouldn’t take much to finish but when he came tonight, he wanted it to be on Roy’s cock. So Danny decided to end the game or bring it to the next level, depending on how Roy took the reveal. He looked right at Roy and pulled off his thong, grasping his erection.

Roy’s eyes went wide in shock at what Danny was doing. It occurred to Roy that Danny knew he was watching, Danny must want him to watch as he touched himself. Roy felt a possessive feeling over take him.

“Mmm please don’t stop Roy, let me watch you fuck yourself for me. Fuck, I need you so badly.” Danny closed his eyes and threw his head back as he stroked himself slowly. He opened his eyes again and made contact with those warm amber eyes he loved so much. “Please Roy, please I need you here. I want you so badly. Please come fuck me, I’ll be so good for you. I’ll let you do anything you want to me. Let me show you how good it could be. Please daddy.”

Suddenly he was faced with the possibility of getting to touch Danny the way he’d wanted to for months. Hell, forget possibility, Danny was literally begging for Roy to come fuck him. Roy kept turning Danny’s words over in his mind, ‘please Roy. I’ll be so good for you. Please daddy’. Fuck. Roy gripped his erection a little tighter, fuck.

“No one else was watching, don’t worry, it was a private call. I need you Roy, please I’m so ready for you. If you want to finish this in person, you know where to find me.” With that Danny ended the call, leaving Roy alone with his fist still wrapped around his erection.

“Fuck.” Roy cursed as he got to his feet and pulled on a pair of fluffy sweatpants. He picked up his tee-shirt and thought for a minute while he pulled it on. Danny was his best friend, maybe this was a bad idea. Before he could talk himself out of meeting up with Danny, the memory of the younger man masturbating and moaning Roy’s name came crashing back. Roy’s cock twitched hopefully.

“Fuck it.” Roy grumbled. If Danny wanted to get fucked that badly, who was he to refuse?

~*~

Roy knocked on Danny’s door less than five minutes later. When Danny opened the door, Roy’s mouth went dry. Danny was standing there in just a towel slung low on his hips. The various patches of ink on Danny’s skin stood out against the pale flesh. Between the tattoos and long shaggy hair, Danny looked like the bad boy who was just looking for redemption in some shitty movie. Roy walked into the room, deliberately crowding Danny and forcing him to take a few steps back.

“So, looks like your laptop is working just fine chola.”

Danny had the grace to blush, knowing he’d been caught. Before he could say anything, Roy turned the deadbolt, locking them both in.

The sound of the deadbolt engaging made Danny squirm. If Roy was locking the door behind him, it had to mean he was here for one reason. Danny had been half expecting Roy to show up and start yelling, enraged by Danny’s trick. Instead Roy was advancing on him like a predator, the kind Danny didn’t want to escape.

Danny stood his ground, eyes locked on Roy’s face. As soon as the younger man was within arm’s reach, Roy wrapped one hand around the back of Danny’s head and the other grabbed Danny’s right hip. Roy hauled Danny  to him until they were flush against each other. They stayed that way for a moment or two, gazes locked, faces centimeters apart and their breathing becoming ragged. Both could feel the other’s erection as Roy moved his hand from Danny’s hip to his ass and ground against him. Danny gasped and wrapped his arms around Roy’s neck before pulling his face the rest of the way to his. A groan escaped Danny as their lips crashed together.

Finally.

After months, if not years of hidden feelings and private fantasies, they were wrapped up in each other’s arms. Lips moved together as hands began exploring.

Danny moaned as Roy’s tongue came out to lick at his lips. Roy pulled Danny’s lower lip into his mouth, nipping and sucking it in turn. He couldn’t get enough, Danny was fucking addicting. The taste of him was driving Roy crazy, the feel of him compelled Roy to lower his hands and grab Danny’s ass. Roy groaned loudly as he uses his grip on Danny’s ass to bring them even closer.

Danny lowered his arms before wrapping both around Roy’s waist, lowering one hand to squeeze the older man’s ass. He gasped against Roy’s lips when Roy raised the hand holding Danny’s ass to deliver a good smack. Determined not to be out done, Danny began rolling his hips against Roy’s, both men moaning at the friction.

Eventually, Roy pulled their lips apart and began to kiss Danny’s neck. Danny threaded his fingers through Roy’s hair, holding the older man against him as Roy moved down his neck, towards his chest.

Remembering the way Danny had moaned as he played with his nipples. Roy decided he needed to see for himself just how sensitive they were.

Reluctantly releasing Danny’s ass, Roy started by lightly brushing his fingers over the raised nubs gently. Danny moaned and thrust against Roy, grinding his erection against Roy’s hip. Encouraged by Danny’s response, Roy pinched the younger man’s nipples just on the right side of rough. Danny gasped and his eyes shot open, he shivered and Roy smirked when he felt it.

“You’re so fucking sensitive baby boy, I could do this for hours. Want to see how close I could get you without ever touching your cock.”

Danny groaned and shook his head. “Please Roy! I need you! I need you to fill me until I scream! Oh, please daddy!”

Roy disregarded those tempting pleas (difficult as it was) and resumed his worship of Danny’s body.  Dropping to his knees, Roy peeled off the towel and wasted no time before taking Danny’s erection into the slick heat of his mouth. As Roy ran his tongue all around Danny’s cock. The younger man let out a mess of curses and praise. He was so turned on he knew he wouldn’t last long. With great reluctance Danny spoke: “You need to stop B, I’m getting so close..!”

Roy looked up at him, “How do you want to cum love?”

Danny didn’t have to think about it. “On your cock. Please Roy? Let me cum on your cock tonight.”

Roy got to his feet and took in the man before him. “You’re so fucking beautiful, I’ve been wanting to fuck you for so long. Wanted to fill you with my cock ever since you started dancing in those live streams.” He said as he grasped Danny’s hips.

Danny nodded, groaning at Roy’s words. “I know baby. The streams when I danced were the only times you stayed online until the end. I used to get off afterwards, thinking about you touching yourself for me. It was so fucking hot knowing that you were getting off to me while I danced.”

Roy went a little red in the face but looked relieved. “I was so afraid you’d be angry about it, or just disgusted by the thought of what I had been doing. I felt so guilty but you’re so fucking gorgeous and I wanted you- I want you so badly, I couldn’t stop myself.”

Danny grinned, “I’m glad you didn’t stop.” He ran his hands down Roy’s chest, giving both nipples a pinch before he grabbed Roy’s cock in one hand and cupped his balls with the order. “Now, can we please stop talking about this and get to the part where you spank me and fuck me into the mattress?”

Roy chuckled, “Impatient, aren’t you?” A moan escaped him as Danny jerked him off a little faster.

Danny nodded and gave Roy a look that silently asked him how he wasn’t feeling the same way. “I’m so fucking ready for you B. I’ve been wanting you to fuck me since you laced me into that corset back on Drag Race. I remember hoping you’d used the laces to tie my hands behind my back.”

“I wanted to.” Roy confessed. “So badly. I remember having to talk myself out of bending you over that tiny table. Every chance I got back in the werkroom, I was staring at your ass. Imagining how good it would feel to fuck you the way you need to be fucked.” He reached down and grabbed Danny’s ass, giving it a slap just to hear Danny moan.

“Then do it, fuck me. I’m all yours.”  Danny purred as he arched his back when another slap made him bite his lip in an attempt to muffle his cry of pleasure.

Roy moved to kiss Danny’s neck. “Don’t hold back, let me hear how much you want me baby boy. How absolutely desperate you are for me to touch you.”

Danny groaned loudly,  “Get on the fucking bed Roy. I’m done waiting.”

Managing to keep a straight face, Roy climbed onto the bed and lay down on his back, head among the half dozen pillows. He crossed his arms behind his head and watched as Danny climbed on the bed and began crawling towards him.

Danny kept crawling until he was straddling Roy, his hands planted near Roy’s face. Danny looked down at Roy and smiled brightly before dropping his head down to kiss him.

They kissed for a while, taking the time to explore each other’s mouths. Roy paid special attention to Danny’s bottom lip, making Danny whimper in pleasure when he gently bit down.

It wasn’t long before Roy wanted more. He wrapped his arms around Danny’s waist and rolled them so he was now on top. He looked down at the beautiful man below him and began to kiss his way down Danny’s body. When Roy threw Danny’s legs over his shoulders, Danny let his head fall back and his eyes drift shut.

They flew open again when instead of Roy sucking his cock, he felt a tongue circling his entrance. “Oh holy shit!” Danny  cried out, his hands gripping the sheets tightly as he arched his back.

Roy pulled back for a moment to let Danny get himself together before he began licking him with abandon. He pushed the tip of his tongue past the tight muscle and wiggled it before withdrawing to circle Danny’s entrance once more. Danny was thrashing and moaning as Roy repeatedly tongue fucked him. After some unknown amount of time passed, Roy snatched the lube off the night stand and coated his fingers. When Danny’s moans became incoherent noises, Roy reluctantly pulled his mouth from Danny and slowly inserted a finger instead.

“Roy…” Danny gasped as Roy slowly started finger fucking him. Even with just one finger inside him, Danny felt amazing. “God yes Roy!”

Roy watched the younger man’s face, Danny’s eyes were shut tight and his mouth was hanging open. His cheeks were flushed and he looked like he was in ecstasy. Roy couldn’t help feel a little pride at what he had managed to reduce Danny to with just one finger.

“More…give me more. “

Roy kissed Danny’s left thigh, “That’s not how we ask for things Daniel.” Roy gently sunk his teeth into Danny’s inner thigh. All the while moving his finger slowly in and out of Danny. The tip of his finger just barely hitting Danny’s prostate.

“Please! I need more, please Roy!” Danny begged as he looked down and caught Roy’s gaze. He reached down and cupped Roy’s cheek, “please daddy.” Danny said softly, his eyes filled with affectionate lust.

The way Danny was looking at him made something in Roy’s chest tighten. He climbed back up Danny and brought their foreheads together as he slid another finger into Danny and began making a scissoring motion.

Somehow Danny managed to keep his eyes open as Roy fucked him. Their gazes locked together and Danny’s arms around Roy’s shoulders. He couldn’t take it anymore, fuck he needed Roy.

“Please Willow, I can’t take anymore,” Danny said with all sincerity.

Roy nodded and grabbed the lube once more before positioning himself between Danny’s widely spread legs. As tempting as it was to flip Danny onto all fours and fuck him into the mattress, Roy needed to see his face. Wanted to watch as he came apart under Roy’s touch. Roy grasped his erection and teased the head against Danny’s entrance for a moment or two before slowly pushing inside.

Two almost identical long, low moans filled the room as Roy bottomed out. Roy grasped Danny’s hips tightly as he tried to get himself under control. Danny was so tight, so beautiful and Roy knew if he didn’t find a way to control himself, he wouldn’t last and this was one experience that he wanted to savour. “Fuck baby, you’re so tight, so hot, you feel so good.”

Danny pulled Roy’s face down to his and kissed him soundly. By the time they broke apart, Danny was ready. He began moving his hips up off the bed to meet Roy’s.  “Fuck B, you’re so big, stretching me so good. Fuck!” Danny exclaimed as Roy began to move.

Slowly at first and gradually picking up the pace, Roy fucked Danny. He altered the angle just a little and when Danny let a high pitched whimper escape his mouth, Roy knew he had hit the spot. He concentrated his thrusts there, watching Danny writhe beneath him.

“Good boy, moan for me. Let me hear you.” Roy encouraged as he started to thrust harder. The whole bed was shaking, headboard bouncing off the wall with the force of his movements. Danny was squirming and moaning, his hips raising to meet Roy’s thrusts.

“So fucking good B… fucking me so good…” Danny said as he reached down to grab Roy’s ass. His finger nails digging into the soft flesh before he lifted one hand and slapped Roy.

Roy groaned when Danny’s hand crashed down on him. He buried his face in Danny’s neck and bit him. “Do it again.” Roy demanded, spanking was something he was normally on the doing side of. Feeling Danny spank him however, while he was buried inside the younger man was making Roy reconsider his thoughts on the subject.

Danny couldn’t stop a smirk from gracing his face as he slapped Roy a little harder this time. When Roy moaned, Danny did it again.

With every strike of Danny’s palm, Roy’s thrusting became more forceful and wild. Gone were the slow, controlled movements. Replaced by a frantic pace as Roy began to chase his release.

As Roy fucked into him harder, Danny moved his hands to grab Roy’s shoulders. Unable to keep up with his movements, Danny was now just barely holding on. His hands kept slipping due to the sweat that made their bodies slick.

Roy reached between them and grabbed Danny’s cock, stroking him frantically. He was close and was trying to bring Danny with him.

Danny felt his whole body start to shake, “B I’m gonna-!” he was cut off as Roy pressed their lips back together. Danny was the one to break the kiss as the tight coil of pleasure deep within him finally snapped. He arched under Roy as his orgasm washed over him, spots of light flashing behind his tightly shut eyelids. Danny moaned against Roy’s lips as the older man followed Danny over the edge. Filling Danny as he came.

It took several minutes before their heart rates slowed back to normal. Roy moved his mouth back to Danny’s, kissing him lazily as he pulled out.

Danny groaned at the loss, squirming a little as he felt a combination of lube and cum dripping out of him.

“Don’t move.” Roy said as he went to the washroom to grab a towel.

After they were both more or less clean, they were laying in bed, Danny with his head on Roy’s chest. Roy was idly playing with Danny’s hair.

“That was really fuckin’ hot B.” Danny said with a laugh, “Like really, really fuckin’ hot.”

Roy chuckled and wrapped the arm around Danny’s torso a little tighter. “I’m glad you enjoyed it.”

Danny sat up and turned to look at Roy,  “Didn’t you?”

Roy pushed some hair away from Danny’s face, “Of course I did chola. I was worried for a minute there that googled the wrong app and you had whipped your dick you in front of hundreds of people.”

Danny snorted, “Wouldn’t be the first time.”

They both laughed and chatted until they could no longer keep their eyes open. Just before he closed his eyes, Roy noticed that Danny’s laptop was still open. The screen was dark however, so he didn’t bother to mention it as he curled himself around Danny and fell asleep.

~*~

30 minutes ago…

Back in Roy’s hotel room, the Brians were sitting on the bed watching the show while munching on popcorn.  No one was sure where they had found the giant red and white stripped bucket of popcorn and they didn’t volunteer the information. They also managed to dodge the question of just how they managed to get into Roy’s room. Although Katya was probably the one who got them in.

“You owe me 50$ Tracy Martel.” Katya said around a mouthful of popcorn.

Trixie huffed dramatically and crossed her arms under her over stuffed bra. “I never thought in a million years that Bianca would relax enough to finally fuck Adore.”

“But she did mother.”

“AAAHH! Not Maureen!!”

The End

[cant-blink]

My Gigan’s Backstory

Gigan hardly knew his real parents. He still has memories of them, vague memories deep in his data banks. He knew enough to have imprinted on his own kind; he knows he’s a space-duck.

His Masters, the Nebulans, has taken him from his nest before he was even old enough to leave it. They took him in, fed him, raised him. They took lots of pictures of him, in all his babu floof glory, and made sure to save those photos for future use...

Gigan as a babu was damn near the cutest thing in existence, a cottonball with a face. He would instinctively seek cuddles for warmth and would waddle after anyone he laid eye on, chirping and peeping the entire time. He quickly won the hearts of every Nebulan that came in contact with him, and a great bond was formed between him and his adoptive ‘family’.

But good things don’t last long in my universe and when Gigan began approaching pubescence, he became increasingly more aggressive and violent. Tis a normal part of space-duck development, as the young start to learn how to hunt and fight amongst themselves. 

For Gigan, though, this natural change would become anything BUT natural. His Masters not only placed him in complete isolation in a ready-made enclosure, but also placed a ‘mind-control’ chip in his brain. A weak one, just there to ensure he doesn’t turn that aggression towards them. They deprived him of physical company, but still spoke to him through the chip. Although obviously, the conversations were rather sparse and one-sided. Most of Gigan’s days were spent sleeping or restlessly pacing around the enclosure. His only source of entertainment was when the Nebulans would teach him how to ‘hunt’. Aka, to attack anything that went through The Door. 

The Door was Gigan’s only contact with the outside world beyond his enclosure. The Nebulans would give him whatever he needed through The Door. Food, toys, or (his favorite) live prey to serve as both. He lived like this for many years, until he was a fully-grown adult. Then the Nebulans, his ‘parents’ that he came to look up to, told him that it was time for the Change. He didn’t know what this entailed, but he was excited and ready for this Initiation!

He was put under, and the modifications were made to his body, his senses, his brain. They took his natural weaponry and made them even more deadly by coating them in powerful alien alloys. They gave him power, in the form of lasers, fire, flight, teleportation, and a buzzsaw implanted into his chest. They gave him knowledge in his brain, able to access whatever information he could possibly desire (that they already had on record, of course). And most importantly....

... They downloaded his baby pictures into his memory bank. Just to humble him a bit, remind him of how cute he was.

Gigan was quite overwhelmed at first. His body stayed mostly the same in appearance, but the changes made took some getting used to. After giving him recovery time in his room, this overwhelmed feeling only increased as they FINALLY began letting Gigan out of his enclosure to practice in a training room.

This overwhelmed feeling quickly went out the window when he learned he was going to fly for the first time. He also began learning how to control his powers, and he took to the lessons pretty well. So many new ways to kill his prey, it’s great! He loved every moment of it!

Once he mastered his skills, he was finally allowed to venture into the real world to carry out missions. Much death and destruction was waged at his claws, all in the name of ‘peace’ as the Nebulans called it, and he loved every moment of it. After being confined to his room damn near his entire childhood, it was like he was able to release all that pent-up aggression on something other than his prey. And once it was all over, and his mission was a success, he would retire back in his enclosure and rest. Despite having been a prisoner in there for the longest time, he still took comfort in his nest. 

He was content living with his Masters for a while; he had food and shelter, and a purpose in carrying out whatever missions the Nebulans sent him on. 

But as time went on, he began to find that he wanted something more. He didn't know what he was missing, but something was wrong. There was a need in him, ever since he grew to adulthood, that he couldn't fulfill. It got so bad that just the sight of anything colored gold got him bothered and only agitated his aggression further.

Taking note of Gigan's increasing frustrations and unhappiness, the Nebulans came to the conclusion that he must have a mate. He deserved it and they pulled strings to obtain the finest specimen they could find, only the best for their pet space-duck! Importing the specimen, they let her into his room using The Door, and for the first time since being taken from his parents, Gigan saw another of his own kind. The Nebulans had their hopes up, for the interaction seemed peaceful as the two curiously met. All Gigan had to do was fluff out his feathers, fan his sails, and strut his stuff!

But that never happened. For this bioweapon did not court her and instead tried to force himself on her. It’s typical behavior for male space-ducks without a mate, but to not even try courtship? What's worse, when the female rejected his advances (who did this cyborg asshole think he is?!), Gigan only got increasingly more violent and with his enhanced strength and weaponry, it got real bloody really fast.

So fast, the Nebulans couldn’t even stop it from happening when Gigan killed his potential mate. It was horrified silence from the roaches, as their beloved pet finally found release on the corpse. He continued this until he tired himself out and turned to cannibalizing the remains.

Now that... was not normal.

But maybe the Nebulans did something wrong? Perhaps using The Door triggered Gigan to view her as a toy, as live prey? They tried again, and again, with different locations but with the same results. If anything, Gigan only learned how to keep his toy alive for longer. Kept in isolation most of his life, and trained to choose violence at every opportunity, Gigan had no real social skills among his own kind. His instincts to court and breed like a normal space-duck was severely stunted and the Nebulan’s repeated efforts only really reinforced in Gigan’s psychopathic mind that other creatures existed for his own personal pleasures.

They did come to accept that trying to breed their prized weapon was a lost cause. If anything, they’ll reward him with an opportunity to mate if he does a good job at his missions. Whatever makes him happy.

This arrangement made him very happy, and for a while, he thought he needed nothing more in life.

But one day, was the day something new awakened within Gigan.

It was an unusual mission; the Nebulans wanted him to help them capture a target, alive and unharmed. Their target was another bioweapon, just like him, created by a long-extinct race and flying around the cosmos destroying worlds. That kind of power could be useful, and best of all: it came with a mind-control chip of its own.

His name was Ghidorah. King Ghidorah.

The pictures did not do this dragon justice, as Gigan and the Nebulans tracked down the mind-control chip’s signature, and found the massive asteroid. From it, emerged the three-headed dragon. The GOLDEN three-headed dragon with MASSIVE sails that caught the light beautifully.

Setting his eye on the creature woke something in Gigan, for the very first time. He... He WANTED this creature, all to himself. Alive. And he can have him, once they brought this creature into Nebulan control. That was all the motivation he needed.

The battle was a dangerous one. The dragon’s intentions to kill were obvious, and for once in his life, Gigan had to hold back. He had one goal in mind, to incapacitate the dragon and bring him into Nebulan captivity. A swift and powerful strike to the middle head was all that was needed to finish the job.

The Nebulans went right to work with that mind-control chip. Gigan wanted something else, but was forced to sit out while the dragon was prepared. And when they finally did meet, the dragon spoke not a word to him. He just needed time to adjust, the Nebulans reassured the cyborg. They’ll be spending plenty of time together once their plan was ready to set in motion.

Their first mission was to Earth, to dispose of a creature called Godzilla. Ghidorah apparently already had run-ins on this planet, but was swiftly outnumbered. But now with Gigan at his side, surely the odds will lean in their favor.

And it very well nearly did. Together, Gigan, Ghidorah, and the Nebulans almost killed Godzilla. 

Until...

Something went terribly wrong. All of a sudden, Gigan lost contact with the Nebulans, for the very first time. The mind-control chips in both kaiju was de-activated, and Gigan was left on his own. Unfortunately for Godzilla, Gigan was no innocent victim under the control of malicious aliens. Mind-control or not, he functioned largely of his own accord and he quickly resumed torturing the fuck out of Godzilla.

Even dragging him to Ghidorah’s feet like a proud suitor showing off prey. 

Which Ghidorah promptly rejected and punted the fat Earth lizard away...

That’s okay, it was funny watching Godzilla fly anyway.

However, it quickly became obvious that Ghidorah was no team player and had a great disdain for Gigan. He made little effort to involve himself in the fight, beyond warding off Anguirus’s advances. This hatred even seemed to outweigh his beef with Godzilla as Ghidorah ignored his Earth-side enemy to argue against Gigan. Such vitriol from the dragon for what was an accidental collision- Wait, this wasn’t about Gigan accidentally flying into him. No, Ghidorah was blaming HIM for this whole entire mess?! THE FUCK!! 

This argument costed them the mission, Gigan attempting and failing twice to retreat back to the Nebulan ship. Only when Ghidorah was allowed to retreat did Godzilla finally let the cyborg flee alongside him.

It was a bitter blow to Gigan’s ego; not only was his attempt to impress such a beautiful mate a complete failure, but he never lost a mission so miserably. But things go from bad to worse, when Ghidorah followed him back to the ship and to his horror, proceeded to destroy it. Revenge for keeping him hostage.

It was at that moment Gigan had to choose, between his Masters, who were essentially his parents, or this beautiful dragon that he wanted so badly but whom didn’t seem to return the favor...

He chose his Masters and, despite being injured, he rushed to defend the ship with everything he’s got. Ghidorah seemed reluctant to engage in teeth-to-claw close combat, and when the hydra saw that it would take more than Gravity Beams to keep this cyborg at bay, it was what allowed Gigan to chase him off. The Nebulans were safe...

... For now.

For it was barely over a year later, after yet another failed Earth mission with an ally named Megalon, that Gigan returned to his Masters even more damaged than last time. And that’s when Ghidorah, lying in wait for the perfect opportunity, decided to strike.

The Nebulans were defenseless and a weakened Gigan could do nothing but watch as his Masters were destroyed. His home... The sight of it all was horrific, and yet... somehow beautiful, seeing this dragon’s full destructive power unleashed first-hand. After the carnage, Ghidorah turned to him, regarding him with six blood-red eyes. Gigan was ready to go down fighting, but to his surprise, the dragon turned and flew off into the void. Leaving him alone for the very first time.

His mind-control was lost completely. No orders, no reassurance that everything was okay. Nothing but silence. With everything he’s ever known gone, Gigan knew not what to do. Is this what it feels like to finally leave the nest? Was he ready?

........

Of course he was. His Nebulan ‘parents’ taught him all he needed to know in life, and he went forth to make his own path. He forged his own way, making a living as an assassin and a pirate. He met with old friends, recruiting Megalon into his crew, and made new ones, meeting a grumpy ol’ centipede. He also took those same friends and threw them under the bus when the law finally caught up with them.

He was totally going to come back for them, honest....

His career as an assassin came to an end, however, when the worst day of his life happened. It was like any other, coming to meet those who wanted a job done. However, this turned out to be nothing more than a means to trap the cyborg and put him through another Change...

This one, for the worst, as it completely stripped him of his space-duckness, his feathers gone, his sails tainted red. His new ‘Masters’ wishing to enslave him...

Needless to say, it didn’t end well for them, when they learned the mind-control chip was only ever mild and served more as a means of communication than anything. The Nebulans never needed complete control, like Ghidorah’s mind-control chip was designed for. They had Gigan’s loyalty because they were all he’s ever known. Like hell, he’s letting his freedom go for some no-name low-lives who think they’re hot shit.

Still, the whole experience left its mark. He quit the idea of working as an assassin, and went full-time pirate. Taking out all the anger and frustration on innocent ships, innocent worlds. Stealing their most important resources to sell on the underground space-market. Accumulating riches in the most dishonorable of means.

But every so often, the thought of a dragon would enter his mind. Those gold scales, those massive wings, a complete disregard for life. Everything he could ever want in a mate...

... He would have extra fun with his victims whenever he got that bothered.

Until one day, he decided he was finally going to act on those desires, make those fantasies a reality. He had the tracking information on Ghidorah, he just needed to catch up to him. Not too hard when the dragon would spend so much time destroying any life-bearing worlds he came across.

When he finally did meet his Master’s killer once more, he... didn’t really know what to do from here. His new Final Wars form made him a freak; even if he were to do a proper courtship, he was certain it wouldn’t be successful. Maybe play off his new look like it was an intentional change, something he labeled a “work-in-progress”? 

Would Ghidorah even recognize him?

Turns out, yes, yes he did. Despite Gigan’s attempts at friendly re-introduction, Ghidorah seemed just as hostile towards him as before, making it clear that he was still holding a grudge against the cyborg. But the dragon never really escalated that hatred into an actual fight.

This was something he can work with. 

And he was nothing if not persistent. Unlike all those other females the Nebulans would try to pair him with, this one was special. He wanted him, forever and not just for the night. For that, he knew he had to earn Ghidorah’s forgiveness. Maybe then, the dragon will be willing to give him a chance.

Worst case scenario, he still remembered how to activate that mind-control chip... 

[justforthesakeofitt]

How You Like That (M) Chaelisa (top rosé bot lisa)

Chapter 1

hi. this story contains many mature and adult themes that can be triggering and are just for fictional use. i don't condone any of this in real life, and this is pure fiction. so, therefore, if you can't handle that, please just leave this. but don't report this story. 

enjoy 🤍

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(warning. contains strong language, human trafficing, mentions of degradation, corruption, meansé, topsé, idek but the story in general is dark and mature. so if you can't handle that please don't read!!)

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roseanne smirked and swirled her glass around that was filled with her favorite champagne. the armand de brignac brut gold, which cost a mere two thousand two hundred dollars, had made it into the woman her favorite lists, when she tasted it for the first time when she was in France, at the age of nineteen. it made her feel as if she was drinking creamy silk with a lovely flavor, and she was all for that.

her silver hair, with a blueish undertone, was straightened and hung down

her back and over her perky breasts. the tint of her hair matched perfectly with her lamé velvet jacquard mini dress by one of her favorite brands, saint laurent. the dress was a perfect size, as it had been custom adjusted, and hugged her slim waist yet pretty wide hips quite well.

she was seated alone in her comfortable chair, her three bodyguards surrounding her so that she was protected at all costs. being rich had its many perks, but it also came with lots of downsides, such as constantly being exposed to the cruel world that was playing underneath everyone's feet. normal people usually weren't aware of half of the things that were going on behind the scenes of the portrayed world.

the dim and sensual lights that were present in the room, contradicted quite a lot with the chandeliers hanging from the ceiling. it seemed as if a night club had meet merged with a dining hall in an expensive mansion, yet they somehow made this entire look and vibe work.

and it was dangerous to know these secrets. behind all the glimmer and glamour of being rich, a lot of dark poison was hiding. and simply being aware of the poison, and knowing about how everything was really being run, was dangerous.

it was dangerous knowing which big companies, who were known for their customer service, actually had ten thousand upon then thousands of illegal so-called 'contract workers' working for them. people in the normal projected world thought that the people working for the minimum wage were being treated as slaves and inhumane, but they never saw the layer of people that were working even lower up than the minimum wage workers. and those were plenty.

billions upon billions of dollars would go down the drain if someone were to reveal that the biggest vegan chain in the world, also owned one of the biggest meat industries. if the companies that were known to fight climate change and induce eco-friendly ways of making products were owned by the same person that was one of the biggest carbon emitters.

if people know, that you know their secrets, your life is at great risk. and since the richest people in the world, all play the same game, you always had to be on your watch. this was no soccer game, where you had a theme behind you. this was like wrestle mania. only the strongest and smartest could survive. and the people that you would think are your friends, are the ones that wouldn't even hesitate to hire an assistant the moment they find a weak spot in you.

"number 603 thirty thousand dollars! going once. going twice. sold to miss kang!"

roseanne chuckled as the blonde girl got pulled off of the stage by her leash that watched attached to her neck. her head hung low and tears were streaming down her face as you could see them shimmer in the dim lights,  which made it all more amusing for the woman.

all of them looked like pathetic little lost puppies, getting pulled one by one to the stage where their new fate would be laid out for them. it all depended on who they ended up with.

her best friend, jennie, had found her own little pet this way and had suggested it to her. after years of being alone, and watching her best friend with the girl, she decided to finally come and see for herself. maybe she'd find something interesting here tonight. 

jennie's pet, who's name was jisoo, was quite a lucky girl. while jennie was quite a mean and tough person on a daily basis, she had developed a soft spot for her pet. it wasn't that she let the girl get away with shit, but she treated her well. better than these girls usually got treated.

jisoo had behaved so well and served her so graciously, that after one and a half year of her possession, jennie had granted her the privilege of being addressed by her name, which was quite rare for the girls that came from here.

not may of the owners ended up granting their pets the status of being called by their actual birth-given name, and rosé wouldn't be one of them either. while jennie was more of a dominant woman who loved for jisoo to worship her and take care of her, roseanne was the sadistic type. 

where jennie received pleasure by letting jisoo worship her feet and have the girl smothered underneath her wet dripping slit, eating her out until her thighs were trembling and she was panting heavily, roseanne wanted the girl to be laying at her feet, whimpers escaping her cracked lips as bruises and cuts were layered on her skin. 

the twenty-seven-year-old woman's eyes gravitated towards the podium once again, before she slightly shifted when she saw the girl that got pulled by the thick leather leash. 

her black lingerie contrasted beautifully with her pale skin, and her black hair had been put into two sideways ponytails with big red bows attached to them. that could only mean one thing.

she was a virgin.

girls with their hair loose were previous prostitutes or whores that they picked up from the streets, giving them the lowest value in the entire lineup.

girls with ponytails were normal girls that they managed to kidnap but weren't virgins anymore. 

but girls with their hair in this innocent style, and cute bows attached to it to give

them an even more pure look, were virgins.

and they sold for the highest prices.

almost everyone wanted a little virgin pet. it was a thrill knowing that all they would associate sex with was their owners. no previous partners or experiences to draw

comparisons from. 

just them.

when roseanne saw the girl's face, her doll-like features with her big doe eyes, and her plump pink lips, she knew that the girl was going to be hers.

"number 209! her price starts at a mere five hundred thousand dollars. who bids higher

than that?"

chaeyoung immediately held up her bidding board that had her slim fingers wrapping around the wooden part, "one million!"

another voice rang through the room, a few seconds later, with an offer of one and a half million dollars. but this girl was going to be hers. no matter the cost.

the bidding went on for a while before her offer rang throughout the room of "twenty-five million dollars." 

the man, that previously was bidding for the same girl, chewed on his bottom lip before shaking his head.

a smirk grazed roseanne her dark blue colored lips, "number 209 twenty-five million dollars! once! going twice! sold to miss park!"

her eyes locked with her newly bought pet, and she mindlessly licked her lips. the girl's eyes were glossy and looked with a terrified gaze at her. 

"yes...--" chaeyoung muttered to herself with s grin, "--be scared, doll. you aren't ready for what I have in store for you."

there were only a few girls left, so she patiently sat through it all, satisfied with her purchase of the evening. non of the girls could top her pet. and for once, she was glad that she had listened to jennie's advice.

after the auction was over, she walked to the back and got handed two briefcases by one of her bodyguards, which she delivered to the woman that was behind all of this.

"you made jessie very happy. i hope the girl will make you happy too."

roseanne hummed and watched as the men were counting the money, before turning her attention back to the woman in front of her, "everything is clean right? no traces. no record and no evidence."

jessie nodded and smacked her bright red lips together, "everything is clean. we tripled checked. the police have already been paid to drop the missing person case, so she has been declared dead. the parents are quite poor too so they won't be able to afford to search for her or take any legal actions. she's dead and has been reborn the moment you bought her."

roseanne smirked and, with a firm handshake, greeted the woman before she made her way into a dark hallway that led to where the girl should be.

she opened the door to a room and saw a black wooden crate, which had been sealed by a lid at the top, sitting on the floor in the middle of the room.

when she saw that it was the correct one, she snapped her fingers, making two of the three men quickly make their way over to the side and lifted up the top.

she once again, almost immediately crossed eyes with her toy, and saw how panicked and vulnerable she seemed. this made her feel only more in control and boosted her ego.

there were soft pleading whimpers coming from the bound girl, but she ignored them completely.

after a few seconds of further inspection, the crate got closed again.

"deliver her in an hour to my address. make sure that she keeps whatever bodily fluid she has inside of her. i don't want her to arrive in filth at my place."

she got helped into her thick fur coat, and flicked her hair back, before putting on a peeked black cap.

the men nodded in understanding and turned their attention on the crate. one of them followed her, also functioning as her driver, while the other two stayed behind.

there were two small holes on the top of the crate in the cover, which made sure that the girl got enough fresh air to stay conscious, but not enough to make her feel great, so the chance of her throwing up or peeing herself was a big possibility.

she just hoped that the girl could hold it in, as she was sure that she wouldn't hesitate to hose the poor thing down immediately. 

she climbed up the stairs before walking outside. 

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it was dark, already around the one at night, so the streets were fairly empty. these illegal legal things, were mostly done at night, just to give extra security and privacy.  "ready miss?" her chauffeur asked making her nod, "yes. take me home."

she stared out of the window, the snow slowly cascading down while the streets of Seoul were already covered in a thick layer of the frozen crystals.

it was only november, yet the heavens had sent them snow already. and to be fair, roseanne wasn't complaining. 

she smiled as she started to move up the hills, knowing that she was approaching her lovely home.  

her and her best friend, jennie, were actually neighbors, which was quite fun. this meant that she could show her new purchase off very soon, as all she had to do was go to the mansion next door. even tho it was a five-minute drive.

the moment the car stopped at the entrance of her house, she got out, hugging her black fur coat tighter around her body, before grabbing her purse and made her way inside.

"the room is ready right?" she asked one of her maids, who nodded and bowed slightly, before helping her out of her coat "yes ma'am. it is exactly like you wanted it to be."

she grinned and stretched herself before yawning a bit and walked inside.

"good. now, all we have to do is wait."

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[confusednarcissistwrites]

Teenage Dirtbag Pt. 4 (K.S.)

this one is a bit of a filler chapter?? I’m sorry it’s a bit short, but it’s very important. it’s also pretty sad :( hope you guys enjoy it nonetheless! Here is the song mentioned at the end as well; it’s always made me think of Kyle.

(cursing, mentions of death)

You really didn’t deserve Missy. The moment you walked back into your dorm with red-rimmed eyes and tear-stained cheeks she knew. You broke down again as soon as you saw the concerned but unsurprised look on her face, and she promptly wrapped you up in a hug. She was incredibly petite, but somehow she had a way of making you feel safe even from yourself. She directed you to sit on the bed and handed you a makeup wipe before fixing you both some tea. You wiped your streaked makeup from your face, shivery breaths shaking your frame.

You were so frustrated. There was no way you’d so easily slipped back into his grasp after you’d spent so much time cutting away everything that endeared him to you. You fought to recall how broken he’d left you. You wanted- no, you needed to relive it. That was the only way to extinguish these feelings bubbling back up inside of you.

Missy handed you your mug, sitting next to you with her legs crossed. “What happened, love?”

You sighed, feeling so ashamed. “I just.. I just wanted to talk to him. I wanted to try and clear the air, I guess. But..” You stared into your tea, unable to meet her eyes. “We slept together again.”

“Y/N.. This has to stop,” Missy scolded, her brow wrinkled up.

You felt defensive. “I mean it was just sex! We barely even said anything.”

“You wouldn’t have come home in tears if it was just sex to you, Y/N.” Her tone softened, placing a hand on your knee.

You were brought back to that crooked, little smile he’d given you in the back of his car, your heart aching in your chest. As much as you hated to admit it, you knew she was right. You wiped a stray tear from your cheek.

“Where do you see this going? Do you think you’ll get back together?”

You laughed bitterly, shaking your head. It was absurd to even think about.

“Then don’t do this to yourself. You have a big heart. Don’t waste it on someone like him.” She tucked a stray strand of your hair behind your ear, rubbing your back consolingly.

You let out a shaky breath, nodding. “Thank you,” you mumbled, giving her a tired smile.

“Of course, sweets. You know I just want what’s best for you always.” She pulled you into another quick hug before hopping up. “Okay, now let's watch some slasher movies to distract you.”

“God, again? Always with these things? They’re terrible!!” you protested, sipping from your tea.

“Mm, yes. But I love them and they always work.”

“Ah, yes. A good beheading is always the perfect salve for a wounded heart,” you deadpanned, throwing a pillow at her teasingly.

“Now that’s the spirit!!”

++++++

A few days passed. You’d half expected to hear something from Kyle, but the messages never came. While, of course, you overthought it all to death and still couldn’t understand him, you did find a sense of relief in the space. You had almost gotten to the point where you could pretend nothing had happened. Almost.

It was 8:30. Missy had gone out with some of her friends for the evening while you had stayed back at the dorm to work on homework. You were enjoying your solitude when a knock came from your door. Sliding the pile of books from your lap, you jumped up and answered it.

You were promptly pressed back into your room, lips you didn’t immediately recognize pressed hungrily against yours. Kyle. He kicked the door closed behind him, holding your face between both of his hands. Finally, your brain kicked into gear, and you shoved him back.

“Kyle, what the fuck?” you questioned incredulously. “What are you doing here?”

“I wanted to see you,” he said as though it were the most obvious thing in the world. He stepped closer, thumbing your bottom lip.

“No, stop. Don’t touch me.” You recoiled. He looked a bit surprised by that, even a little hurt. “You need to leave.”

“Y/N, I’m sorry I didn’t warn you, but I think you’re being a little-“

“Fucking go! You can’t just come back into my life and start screwing with my head. I-I can’t take it.” Your hands shook as you fought to keep your voice steady. “What exactly do you think this is?”

“I don’t understand. You sleep with me twice and now I’m the bad guy? You came to me. What’s with this sudden change of heart? You’re choosing to be upset over this.”

Anger bubbled inside of you. “Get. Out.”

He scoffed, turning his heel and leaving the room.

++++++

Kyle arrived home about an hour later after driving around the campus blasting music till his head ached. He sat in the driveway just staring into space, avoiding going inside for as long as he could. He was angry. He knew it was truly just shame that he had to come home with his tail between his legs, but all he felt was anger. He was angry at you. Angry at himself. Angry at the world. He finally pulled his keys from the ignition, his boots heavy against the concrete steps up into his home.

“Hey, sweetie.”

“Hey, mom,” he replied, already heading toward the basement. She didn’t normally try to coerce him into talking much anymore, much to his relief. That’s how he knew something was wrong when she called for him.

“Come into the kitchen, please.”

He suppressed a sigh but obeyed, placing himself down at the dinner table while his mother bustled around the kitchen preparing dinner. She put down what she was doing and sat down in the chair next to him, placing her hand over his. “We got some news today.”

Oh god. Kyle felt his gut churn at the familiar line that was always followed by something he knew he wouldn’t want to hear. Judging by the tears already welling in his mother’s eyes, it was worse than normal.

“Dr. Tice wants to put your father on hospice.”

Kyle swallowed thickly, his brow wrinkling as he fought to keep it together.

“I know I don’t really need to explain what that means to you. The nurses will be here day and night to keep him comfortable and medicated until..” she trailed off, her voice cracking.

He continued to stare at the floor, every bone in his body fighting to keep composure. He knew this was the very last thing his dad wanted, but there was nothing anyone could do. The cancer had eaten him up until all that was left was a body in a bed. As far as Kyle was concerned, his dad had died weeks ago.

He watched helplessly as his mother sobbed at the kitchen table, a sight he’d seen more times than he could count in the last few years. He took her hand, giving it a squeeze as he clenched his jaw and fought back his own tears. He knew he needed to keep it together for her. She needed him to be strong no matter what. But he didn’t know how much more he could take. He stood, unable to stand it anymore. Long strides followed a familiar path through his childhood home.

Once he descended the stairs to the basement, he pulled out his favorite Rolling Stones record and placed it on the turntable. The needle scratched and crackled for a moment before slipping into the worn grooves. He turned the volume up, removing his shirt and tossing it onto the couch. This was all ritual to him now. The space was small, but it was all his. Crates of records and tapes were stacked against the wall, and an old leather couch occupied the majority of the space. Old sketches and sheet music scattered the floor, but he didn’t care. He laid out on worn rug that reduced the chill from the concrete floor, his limbs spread out as the intro of Sympathy For the Devil began to play. His eyes slipped shut and he let the vibrations seep into his bones, the slapping bass strings bringing catharsis to the frayed edges of his mind.

His sobs shook his body.

TAGLIST: @londonmademedoit @cathyoliveros10 @yourgoddessfromvogue

[thotforbaku]

Hi! I wasn’t sure how to send a request, but could you write a one shot for shouto x fem! reader? Maybe they’re on a date or in the dorms (idk aha go crazy) and he’s super gentlemanly and soft! Ft. Class 1-A catching/following them! Thank you so much!

hello! yes, this was the correct way to request, haha. thank you for being my first request! i hope my writing fulfilled your request to your satisfaction. if not, lmk asap! i’ll try to change it around for you :)

word count: 1.6k

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Contrary to popular belief, Todoroki was actually quite perceptive. He knew he didn’t have the best track record, i.e. his hand crusher moments and the whole “Midoriya being All Might’s secret love child” conspiracy. Regardless, he still picked up on the smallest things, especially when it came to his classmates.

When Kaminari forgot his homework, volts would zap from his fingertips as he drummed them on his desk nervously. When Mina was eavesdropping, her feet would be pointing towards whoever she was listening to. Dark Shadow snuck out occasionally during class, signaling that Tokoyami was running low on sleep from studying the night before.

And then there was you.

He hadn’t particularly tried to focus all of his attention on to you initially. No, you were just another one of his classmates. He wasn’t interested at all, nor was he interested in anybody, really.

It was only when he encountered you at the sports festival that he took a liking to you.

Not only was your quirk powerful, but you yourself held an immense presence nobody could ignore. Your water manipulation quirk was controlled well by you, and you utilized it to the best of your ability. Besides this, however, he knew absolutely nothing about you.

You were an enigma, to him and everyone else around you. But he bet no one wanted to know you like he did.

He wanted to know you from the inside out, from head to toe. He wanted to know your favorite color, food, and movie. He wanted to know how were feeling on a daily basis. He had a desire, no, a need to know all of these things, yet he only knew one: you were tired.

You were absolutely, oh so very tired.

Now, anyone would have been able to tell this, if they took a good look at your swollen eyebags or your lethargic behavior. Todoroki has been seeing you train for hours on end, ever since Aizawa-sensei and you discovered your new ability: controlling water within one’s body. This allowed you to try and control one’s body movements against their will; it was an extremely manipulative, powerful technique.

But it was taking a severe toll you. Todoroki saw the aspirin you would take daily, and heard the extra strength pills rattling in your bag. He would see you pinch your eyebrows together in pain and screw your eyes shut whenever Bakugou would start screaming his head off. He wanted to help you, somehow in some way. He felt that you needed a break from your constant repetitive schedule of school, training, extra training, and sleeping. He wanted you to relax, to be able to talk to someone, and to pretend the world is stopping. He wanted to be there for you, for when you crash and fall down to help you back up again. He wanted you, unconditionally.

So imagine his surprise when you said yes to him asking to hang out.

It may have taken a little insistence on his part, and explanation that yes, he wanted it to be a date, but he did it. But now that you actually said yes, he honestly had no clue where to come from here.

So he pulled out the big guns.

At 5:00 in the evening, two hours before your training would end and come up to his room, he decided to start preparing food in the kitchen. Sure, it was a date, but he knew you were too tired to attempt to exit the dorms after a long day. So, he had the amazing idea of a movie night within his own dorm.

Of course, the food wasn’t anything too fancy, in his eyes. The only food he knew how to make really well was soba. Cold, soba.

But he made it damn well, and he knew it.

Todoroki had whipped up the soba immediately, and placed it within bowls to bring it up to his room later. He ignored the side eyes and surprised looks he received while he was moving around in the kitchen, and shuffling through the pantry. He only looked up when he heard someone clearing their throat.

“So, Todoroki-kun, you seem real busy.... Got a hot date?” Kaminari joked, grinning lazily as he wiggled his eyebrows.

“Yes.” Kaminari stopped at his straightforward reply, his grin frozen on his face, as he processed Todoroki’s reply. The common room went silent, as they also heard the conversation take place.

“Y-You’re— who?” Kaminari stuttered, eyes bugged out as he splayed out his hands in front of him. He opened his mouth to reply, but saw you shuffle through the front doors, hunched over like you had the world’s weight on your shoulders.

“With her.” Todoroki responded as he made his way towards you. He silently slipped your backpack off your shoulder and onto his, balancing the food on one arm and taking your hand onto his.

“How was training?” He asked, rubbing a thumb gently over the side of your hand, looking at your from the side.

“Tiring. I want to flop onto a bed and never get up.” You responded quietly, sagging even further.

“That’s exactly what you’re about to do.” Todoroki gave you a small smile as he unlaced your fingers from his, and unlocking his door.

“Huh?”

“I figured you’d be too tired to try and leave the dorms today, especially after all the training you’ve done. I know you’ve just been wanting to relax, so I figured our date could just be watching movies together.” Todoroki explained as he laid out the food on his desk and unfolding his futon.

“I.....” You seemed to trail off, your eyebrows furrowed as you stared at the ground. Todoroki hesitantly looked at you, afraid of what your reply was going to be now that you weren’t immediately answering. Did he do something wrong? Were you not a fan of movies? These thoughts raced through his head as he was cursing himself for not being more considerate.

“This is really thoughtful of you Todoroki-kun. I was worried that I wouldn’t be up to speed for our date, but to know that we’re just having a quiet night in the dorms? I... really appreciate it.” You looked back up, a tired but wide grin on your face, your eyes crinkling. He let out a small sigh of relief, and sat down on the futon, pulling out his laptop and setting it on his kotatsu. He patted the seat lightly next to him, smiling as you sat down, your knee brushing his.

“That’s good to hear. And, since we’re on a date currently, I think I’d feel more comfortable with you calling me by my given name.” He told you as he ripped open a bag of chips, passing it to you. You nodded in thanks, and quirked your lips in thought, mulling over what he said. You then nodded, seemingly comfirning your thoughts.

“Okay, Shouto-kun. What do you have planned for the night?” You asked, taking a chip and placing it in your mouth.

“A Studio Ghibli marathon.” You paused at his reply. He looked at you puzzled. He seemed to catch a lot of people off-guard today.

“.... I haven’t watched a Miyazaki film since my childhood..” You sighed, grinning at him happily. He stared at the grin painted on your face, burning it into his memory. He saw you smile twice now in one sitting, and he would cherish it for a long, long time.

“I did a good job of choosing the movies then, didn’t I?” He asked you, softly smiling as he offered you a bowl of a soba, already breaking his chopsticks in two. You clapped happily as his perfectly broke, passing yours to his to repeat it.

“You really did, Shouto-kun. I really can’t thank you enough. I was surprised when you had asked me out a date, I didn’t think you cared enough to talk to me.” You confessed, fiddling with a string on your jumper as you glanced up at him. He nodded simply, ducking his head to meet your eyes.

“I can see why I’d come off that way. I definitely wasn’t the most approachable in the beginning of the year. But with everything’s that happened, I realized that shutting everyone out wasn’t the best thing to do. And ignoring you, when I had a clear interest in you, definitely wasn’t either. You intrigue me so much. I want to find out and know every little thing about you. Will you let me?” He asked you, sincerity bleeding into his tone, his eyes darting all over your face.

“Of course.” You clasped both your hands over his, squeezing tightly. He let out another short sigh, shoulders sagging forward.

“Then let’s start the movie, shall we?” He leaned forward, and tapped the space bar, letting the blue light of the intro shine brightly onto your face. He smiled as he felt your head rest upon his, and brushed his hand over your knee.

It was finally his turn to try and unveil someone and their secrets. And it just so happened to be you.

____________________________________

“....Was someone at the door, Shouto-kun?”

“No, I believe the rest of the class is downstairs.”

Kaminari sighed in relief as Jirou continued to hold one of her ears the door, relaying the date to the rest of the classmates silently standing in the hallway.

“I can’t believe he bagged her before me.” Kaminari cried, blowing his nose into his sleeve. His classmates cursed at his noise, and scattered, scared of getting caught. “Wait, where are you guys going?”

“...Are you sure there’s no one there, Shouto-kun?”

[masterthespianduchovny]

The Truth is Out There (Part 1):

Summer 2008

The utility worker makes his way to the building. The sun beats down his neck, but he’s unbothered by the heat as a thin sheen a sweat forms where the cap meets his head. Pleasantly, he smiles and slightly nods at the woman holding the door for him.

Unnoticed, the utility worker passes by customers and employers, expertly navigating his way to the boiler room. 

Locking the door behind him, the man gets to work. He’s pulls out various items, some of which seemingly have nothing to do with the task at hand: a syringe, a black substance in a bottle, and a band. 

Inspecting his items, he then pulls out a large wrench and a cylinder object. It has buttons on it and a countdown timer.

The man makes easy work of getting a tightly screwed pipe off, and then partially slides the cylinder into the pipe. Fiddling with the buttons, a beeper goes off and the cylinder slides completely within the pipe.

After the man finishes screwing the pipe back into place, he grabs the syringe and fills it with the black substance.

He waits.

His eyes are hard and determined.

Another beep. The man sits down and grabs his laid out items.

Tying the band around his arm, it doesn’t take him long to find the vein, and then insert the syringe in himself.

Taking a deep breath, his eyes snaps shut as the needle pierces his skin. The man exhales as the substance flows through his veins.

His eyes fly open and small, black lines are on his eyes.

Efficiently, he places all of the discriminating items in his worker bag, and then unlocks the door. He makes it a few steps before he and his bag falls to the floor.

No one sees him falls as everyone else fell unconscious themselves moments prior.

Fall 2008

“...I DO SO LIKE GREEN EGGS AND HAM! THANK YOU! THANK YOU, SAM I AM.” 

The library worker strummed his fingers along the spine of the book as he smiled at the claps from children and their parents.

They waved goodbye at him as their parents gathered him.

“Carl,” said Majorie, extending a hand out to her daughter. “You’re just showing off at this point.”

Smiling, Carl bowed his head. “I’ve tried reading without the book, but you know kids, they love the theatrics. It’s only impressive to them if I start reading the book, and then tell the story from memory.”

Majorie chuckled.

“Thank you for this.” She gestured to the book. “Ever since the divorce, after school care has been so hard to find and...story time is a God send.”

“It’s no problem, really.” Carl crossed his arms, and then looked at the girl Bethany. “The kids are doing my wife a favor, it’s like an after school care of sorts for myself. If I didn’t have this I’d be driving my wife up the wall sending her thousands of emails.”

Amused, Majorie smiled. “I know parenthood isn’t everyone’s path, but I’m surprised you aren’t a father. You’re just so good with kids.”

Biting his lip, Carl looked off. “Uh...well, that wasn’t in our cards.”

“Oh, I didn’t mean to--”

“It’s fine, Majorie.” He waved off her concern. “I need to straighten up in here, but I’ll see you two tomorrow.”

“See you tomorrow.”

Carl stacked the surplus small chairs and put them in their designated corner. He then gently tossed the beanbags near the back wall. After collecting and putting away stray items, he exited the event room.

The next hour or so, he busied himself putting away returned books, but manned the information desk twice for a handful of minutes each. Once, so Ashanti could go to the bathroom and another as she made a quick personal call. Carl didn’t mind since he was almost finished with the return pile. Due to his eidetic memory, Carl remembered the location of books and the filing system as clear as day.

Filing was light work for Carl.

As soon as he finished with his last book, he joined Ashanti at the desk. Whenever they were assigned together, they chose a topic to debate through their shift.

The topic: Harry Potter v Percy Jackson

Who was the stronger protagonist? Which themes are embodied better in their respective series? Which series has stronger supporting characters? And which author was more effective in their series?

Knowing how beloved the Harry Potter series was to Ashanti, Carl let her argue in favor of the series. Although he enjoyed the series himself, he personally leaned towards Rick Riordan and his series. Because he knew how passionate Ashanti was about all things Harry Potter, the debate was going to be especially fun for him.

Just as Carl began to argue his position after listening to Ashanti, someone asked for assistance. 

“No cheating while I’m gone,” Carl warned.

Ashanti rolled her eyes. “I don’t need to cheat, old man.”

Carl grabbed his heart as he walked backwards. 

The two looked at each other and laughed.

In his life, Carl’s been accused of many things and paranoid was at the top of the list. As he assisted the visitor, Carl felt as if he was being watched. Men and women pretending to be occupied with books or the computer, hell, even making small talk with Ashanti, but casting quick glances in his direction.

Just because he’d been called paranoid more times than he could count doesn’t mean he was wrong.

Carl finished up with the visitor and pointed towards the information desk. Discreetly, he patted his pockets and he checked his mental map of the other exists. Obscuring the eyesight of him by going to the other side of the book shelfs, Carl hurriedly walked to the side door. As the distance increased between him and the other library occupants, he heard someone yell:

“He’s making a run for it.”

Carl put up a valiant fight. He ducked, dodged, and outran longer than anyone would’ve imagined, he’d bet. But, if only he was a little quicker--spotted them a little sooner, he would’ve made it out of the side door, instead of being tackled near the front entrance.

A knee was in his back as handcuffs were tightened around his wrists.

“What is this about? What do you want?” Carl yelled. “I didn’t do anything!”

“Fox Mulder, you’re under the arrest for...”

Mulder zoned out.

Granted, he knew the FBI could’ve found him if they wanted to, but he assumed that they didn’t give a shit where he was as long as he wasn’t the Bureau’s problem anymore.

Although he never felt truly comfortable due to being on the run, he thought he was in the safe. And yet...they were still trying to make him serve justice for a bullshit crime.

As Mulder was led out of the library, he saw Majorie and Bethany approach. They were shocked to see him in handcuffs being led out by FBI agents.

Scully.

He needed to talk to her.

Although she hadn’t been a fugitive like himself, since the FBI knew where he was, they had to know she was involved. Hell, they were together. Who knows how long they’d been surveilled. 

An hour later, he was in an interrogation room, handcuffed to the table.

His old boss walked in moments later.

“Skinner? What is this? What’s going on?”

Looking at the two way glass, Skinner said, “Uncuff this man.” Sitting down, he looked at Mulder. “Long time no see.”

“Not long enough apparently.” Mulder rubbed his wrists after the metal rings came off. “Where's Scully?”

“On her way,” Skinner answered. “Don’t worry, she hasn’t been arrested.”

Mulder stared Skinner, and then the file on the table. Skinner has always inhabited many roles and leveraged his position as he saw fit. This wasn’t about Knowle Rohrer. Just like he thought, the charges were bogus and the FBI didn’t give a shit about the murder. It was all about having him out of their hair.

Leaning back in the metal chair, Mulder looked at Skinner again. “Why was I arrested?”

“That was the only way we could get you in a room.”

Biting back what he truly wanted to say, Mulder said instead, “I can think of other ways.”

“Cut the crap, Mulder, you and I both know you would’ve slipped out of our radar again.” Skinner gave him a hard stare. “Look, we need your help.”

“And why would I do that?” Mulder looked at the two way glass. “I just got re-arrested on bullshit murder charges again, Walt. The last thing I want to do is help the FBI with anything.”

Uncomfortably, Skinner shifted in his seat. “Shortly after you were escorted in here, the charges and...conviction was taken care of.”

“Oh really, that simple.” Mulder narrowed his eyes at Skinner.

He didn’t have anything against his former boss. Skinner did help him escape and most likely thwarted efforts of his capture years before it happen. But, Mulder was still angry about what happened--about all of it. Skinner was just a convenient scapegoat. 

“I get it, you’re angry, but we need your help on this--you and Scully,” he clarified. “I don’t want to take credit for having your charges and conviction cleared because what happened was a gross interpretation and handling of justice. But, the FBI needs you.”

Skinner slid the folder in front of Mulder.

“No one knows more about this stuff than you two.” Mulder’s brows furrowed as he looked through the file. “You have every reason not to trust the FBI or--or want to work with us, but we have no one else to go to.”

“And, if I don’t help?” 

Skinner caught Mulder’s meaning. “Your record will still be clean.”

“But, not my conscious.” Mulder closed the folder and looked at it in thought. “Any other cases.”

Skinner nodded. “A duplex in upstate New York and a chicken plant in Kansas. Officially, all three were said to be gas leaks. Spread far apart enough not to cause any panic or raise any questions.”

“For both the perpetrators and the FBI,” Mulder supplied. “But, someone or something has possession of live black oil and they're going around and weaponizing it.”

“An agent from the BSU made a profile suggesting that these...incidents are trial runs.”

“That much is obvious,” Mulder mumbled to himself. “Why publicly?”

“What do you mean?”

Mulder shook his head. “These tests are usually done under the cover of night. In the shadows. In controlled situations. But, with the duplex, the bank, and the factory, it’s an attack. A public one at that. And they're allowing the government to control the narrative. Why?”