#being consistent when sick
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my mum keeps responding to my covid precautions with āi get it, youāre not ready yetā. like no i just donāt do them anymore. i donāt really need to eat at restaurants or go to crowded places or be in public without an n95. i can watch the movie at home. i can get take out. an n95 is just uncomfortable sometimes but doesnāt stop me from doing anything. i love not getting sick
#SOOOOOO glad i moved out#āyour sibling and i are going out to eatā have fun! i actually have no desire to do that whatsoever#also both of them have brought covid home and Iāve clocked it every time#my mumās was after a trip after i moved out where she didnāt wear a mask once (not even at the airport) and then spent the trip texting me#about how the rich food was giving her some stomach trouble and the jet lag was just hitting her so hard#clocked that asap. i think she gave it to everyone else too and then tested after someone else tested positive and got her positive#my sibling was when i was still at home though and they just came downstairs and sat next to me coughing and i have never moved so fast#consistently tested negative so I donāt think they gave it to me but they protested possibly having it until I made my mum test them#and lo and behold I was right! I got pcr tested by urgent care and was negative#i didnāt get the chance to be cautious from the beginning because I was a minor when covid started#but iām now an adult and moved out and keep all my precautions and tbh I love it#iām a college student and the only sickness Iāve ever dealt with was an ear infection from a piercing. thatās it#ādonāt you want to embrace your young adult yearsā i have two cats and hobbies and love being at home im fine#I donāt want to party or go out or do much of that#coronavirus
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ive been seeing a lot of mermaid zoros lately and i like him and i think that silly octopus that he let cling to him in the jaya arc should be his little-mermaid-flounder-sidekick friend
#wtf... art#these panels are so cute im gonna be sick#like he takes off the barrel and it just climbs up onto his shoulders and he just lets it chill? i should kill you. i NEED to kill you#i love when people draw him with a bunch of scars from all the shit hes dealt with over the course of the series#but i usually dont like doing the same bc i dont like being consistent nor do i like actually going back and analyzing every injury he gets#so i just wont ^_^ whered he get that from? who knows. and you can be certain that i am NOT drawing his scars the same the next time#as a Monster/non-human Biology Enthusiast his tail definitely needs to be bigger than this for Proper Mermaid Anatomy but whatever#roronoa zoro#one piece fanart#one piece zoro#zoro
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harry potter needs to die.
#im so serious right now#jkr already has enough of a legacy please STOP preserving it#and i'll bite: marauders fans please please please#you arent special/diff for headcanoning your characters as queer#every fucking fandom does that#you dont get a pat on the back because jkr is an asshole#also theres much to be said about the racism in the marauders fandom#what do you MEAN your fan fave is a canonically racist character whos had no canon evidence to show he has actually changed#like just bc he left the death eaters does not mean he actually changed#he just said that this was to EXTREME not that the core of it was wrong#please i beg of you sidelining poc voices to uplight your skinny white twink is not the reclaiming you think it is#sick of poc voices being sidelined bc yall want to twinkify a racist#evil. truly evil#redemption is through CONSISTENT action and reg black is not redeemed#and look im all about having not completely moral characters in books#but when yall sideline the racism just to uplift twinks... your privlege is SHOWING#marauders is the easiest to pick on simply bc the level of delusion and twinkification (and racism) in the fandom is astronomical#anti marauders#anti hp#anti jkr#i will most likely not be interacting that much with this post. send any questions/critics to my ask box and we'll see from there#sigh i need to write an essay on this i fear
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ššš
#I miss you all so much I canāt even explaaaain#itās just been a rough year+ and being able to be on tumblr at all just hasnāt been a thing š« #Iām still trying to check discord more cause even if I canāt do tumblr I REALLY miss chatting with you all (and writing and plotting etc)#š®āšØ my momās dog/our older one just got diagnosed with c*ncer and itās unclear how much longer we have with him#heās okay now after surgery but if/when he gets real sick again thatāll probably be time š#itās just that on top of still not finding any consistent work#trying to grow my shop and freelance business#itās just !!!! a lot !!#but Iām trying to keep it moving trying to be positive and hang into hopeāØ#I just wanted to say hello! And that I do truly miss you guys and think of you all here often!#feel free to hmu on IM here or discord or even my shopās IG that I have linked here!#hope youāre all taking care of yourselves and each other ā¤ļøšš«#00. Ā // Ā OUT OF AMMO Ā ( OOC POST. )
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every day i kick a rock and bash my head into the wall because i'll never get to go on a big space adventure and become tightly close-knit with my new found family up there <//3
#re lrb..........#i mean realistically if i was in the voltron/quintenary stars universe chances are i would probably NOT be one of the people#going on the space adventure.#i'd be roped into the plot when the aliens invade and earth almost gets destroyed. spoilers for arc 2 btw sorry#but man. child soldierism aside i wish that were me so so so bad#sadly kicks a rock when will EYE have a deep and mystical connection with a giant ancient cat :(#its not even that i want to interact with the main cast bc i dont really i just. wanna be in their position man#i think one of the reasons why voltron grabbed me so hard (among MANY) is how badly i wanted to do what the main characters did#i remember when i was first watching it while it was coming out i would CONSISTENTLY daydream about being launched into space#with a handful of other people and having to fight a war and grow up far away from home and all the suffocating stuff that came with it#and then coming back years later already solidly knowing who i am and being confident in that#so i'd actually be brave enough to be unapologetic about it. and i'd be found family with the people i went to space with also#that parts important#idk man just. i dont like saying i was abused when i was younger because i really dont think it was like that and it isnt even close to#what how people who have really been abused have had to go through#but sometimes i really do wonder. like now that im (mostly) out and able to review everything with an outside perspective#not even getting into the cult survivorism stuff this is JUST family dynamics im talking about here#bc that shit is a whole other can of worms#i think my parents were genuinely doing the best they could with the cards they were dealt but. jesus christ.#i would have given ANYTHING to be able to run away from all that. and throw magic cats into the equation? brother im GONE#anyway this tags ramble has derailed in a MAJOR way. tldr i wanted to be a paladin sooooo fuckign bad bro#like it actually makes me SICK how much i want a lion. red you are my forever girl even if only in my heart <///3#i still do want to do all that out of principle but its not as desperate now i just really love space and really want a big kitty friend#winter speaks
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i'm never writing anything again when i'm done with this <3 (that is a joke, i'm just big mad, ignore me)
i'm not even joking tho in that it still. legitimately. needs like. 1k. more. (it probably needs like 2k, because i've rearranged some things. I JUST WANTED TO PARTICIPATE IN MCSPIRK MONTH INSTEAD OF BEING STUCK WITH THIS FUCJING THING)
aslkfflksdlfjasdlfjsdlfkjsdfl;jksdflksjaf
"oh it'll be like 5k trust me bro trust me i wouldn't lie to you it'll be like 5k this time i promise i promise i'm you so why would i lie to you????? trust me bro!!!!!"
#stretching that writing muscle tag#i'm non-jokingly not going to write for like a fricken week when i'm done with this fic. mcspirk month be damned. i'm SO IRRITATED#i wanted this done like a WEEK ago#i have day 2 of mcspirk month so goddamn close to being done too but like. just. whatever lmao. i give up. i'll post that in like a week.#jesus. if i don't finish this fucjing fic by the end of this weekend i'm shelving it for like a month lmao i am SO sick of it.#like on one hand yay for writing consistently on the other hand i do actually need to reel in how i'm handling this or i'm gonna burn out#like. it's not the writing MORE that's the issue. it's the feeling like i have a tiger by the tail and can't dare let go?#that's what i need to work on. hmm. HMMMMMMM.#love solving one problem and creating another problem in the same breath <333333#ignore all this i am just big mad and rambling underneath my big mad and rambling writing tag <333333333
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The fanfiction is letting the covid molecules into you?
no the fanfiction is fighting the COVID with boxing gloves
#tldr i will begin self mutilating if im not doing something creative or mentally intense constantly.#this does not get any better when im sick#but while riddled with disease i dont have the energy to do my own workd building and characterization etc etc#so my brain latches onto the one mentally intense but low thought creative task i can do lying in bed: writing fan fic.#it took me several years of this being a consistent pattern. Me getting in the mood to write fic immediately before being wracked#with viral illness. for me to figure out what was going on with that
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People really think trust issues are just "aww they're scared of love" and it's like bitch no. Trust issues as in I'm deeply in love and the issue is I'm waiting for you break my heart after undergoing periodic abuse in relationships. I'm not scared of love I'm scared of what you'll do with it.
#ahahahaha anyways. ranty time in the tags wheeee#paranoia has been terrible today. everyones mood is off. everyones acting different. everyones acting colder. they hate me im sure of it#and all this stuff i want to be happy i just know is gonna be ruined or left with tainted memories now and its my fault#but maybe its not because why the fuck cant you be consistent. why is it so touch and go#i support ppl through the worst parts of their lives and when i need the support nobody is there#i will literally take time off work to be with someone if theyre having a hard time but me? cant even afford more than three words#im sick of being told i love you and finding no proof outside empty words. i sure as hell dont feel fucking loved. everyone is lying#it's just like my ex. he smothered me in love to cover up the major lack of actually viable love#empty words make me sick to my stomach now. everyones a fucking liar and i dont get why the wont just tell me the truth!#if im such a burden then just fucking say it! if im horrible to be around tell me! how am i supposed to every grow if nobody tells me#i just wanna be loved and not unconditionally. i want to be loved by choice. i want someone to choose me despite everything#i want someone to love me to every little detail and hold my hand even when im at my lowest and just UNDERSTAND#i want someone to love me wholeheartedly and think about me as much i do them. i want the little gestures and the sweet things i do#but here i am. always the one carrying everything and putting in all the effort. when was the last time someone really liked me.#when was the last time i existed in someone elses head. when was the last time someone cared enough to check on me. to do something?#this savior mentality is gonna kill me but im only being straightforward when i say i cannot pull myself from this alone. i am so weak#and god im fucking tired#spent at least two hours straight sobbing while regressed because even as a kid i cant outrun this#and im just getting sicker. i cant sleep. cant eat. cant stay warm. feel like im slowly fading away#and nobody even cares. its so fucking selfish and childish but my whole life ive screamed for help and nobody has seen me#do i have to become another number in the statistics for you to care? or would you even care when i die?#because at this rate i dont even need to try. my heart hasn't slowed in three days. i think i really am dying#sad thoughts#vent blog#sad blogging#vent#vent post#venting#actually mentally ill#actually traumatized
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Bad time of it, all things considered (Patreon)
#Doodles#SCII#Damned#ZEX#Blood#Just a bit but y'know - Enough#It honestly made me So sad that it took until his canonmates saw it happen that someone /finally/ acknowledged his spontaneous cuts D:#Like I get it it's dark and it's hard to see but his skin just opened up and he made a noise about it! The possible danger!!#And then by that point he's just so used to everyone ignoring it that their concern for him is barely even a factor weh ZEX ;;#Plus it's just a cool effect haha - sudden blood from nothing! Very rich mental movement#At least Max had someone concerned for him about it <3 Not that he could do anything about it but even just the validation of seeing it!#He has enough cuts on him :( Poor tenderized flesh#He gets all crabby from being sore from healing constantly haha :'D Of course he would!#One thing I found very interesting was the scar sidedness :0 Most of the examples in the gallery have his scar and missing eye opposite#But that's not necessarily the case! I actually scoured mid-read and there /are/ a couple instances of matching side!#They're very tiny so I overlooked them upon first viewing hehe āŖ But they're there! It's very interesting to me!#I like the aesthetics of the opposite - probably because I'm more used to it lol - but I can see the appeal and reasoning for the other way#I do honestly enjoy how much is open to interpretation and allowance uwuāŖ And what's consistent! Like how it's always his right eye :D#That tracks hehe ā«#Haha his meeting with his delightfully inept counselor - I'm pretty sure I was actually more angry about his supposed injury than he was#He chilled out pretty quickly while I was just - A Scratched Cornea??? The disrespect!!#So happy with his eyebrow expression on that one as well ah <3#It really does make me curious for how the staff is kept there - they don't /seem/ malicious during the day! But they're also unaware#It's interesting where the lines of reality are between everyone :D Very interesting āŖ#Capping off with another song my playlist is looking quite healthy now hehe#Flagpole Sitta is one of those songs that only comes up for me every half dozen years or so but when it Does - phewph#It is /such/ a ZEX song to me now hehe <3 The flirtiness and exasperation - the defeatism even! So many killer lines#I think my favourite is ''I'm not sick but I'm not well'' ask me to read into that I will I'm gonna I'll do it even if you don't ask me lol#So fun to draw those lapses in control the poor dear ā„#The digital reconstruction there was a lot of fun as well actually :D I think I nailed it :3 Pulled around from all over the page! Pleased āŖ
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did youā¦ did you miss a day?
š unfortunately I did, prom prep, ap test prep, going back to work, a family trip and contracting the worst flu of my life all coincided around the time I would normally queue, but I and the rock promise that we will do our best to not miss anymore days and do whatever we can to regain your trust.
#love when u guys thank me for being consistant even though this blog is like. the opisite of consistant#rock asks#rock anon#rock apology#feverposting#the queue is at like 20 ish posts rn though so its not likly to happen again#best part abotu being home sick is hours to queue lol
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Currently trying not to vomit over the fact that I essentially just lost almost a thousand dollars brb
#why me. why is it always fucking me am I just not allowed to have good things WHAT have I done to earn this kinda karma#my stupid fucking idiot roommate decided to resign the lease at the complex so I naturally contacted the landlords like hey. how does that#work with the security deposit cuz I paid that years before she even moved in do you guys need to come inspect the place after I leave#and they were like oh no āŗļø it just carries over to her. and Iām like. so. so even though I am not living here nor am on the lease#whether or not I get NINE HUNDRED FUCKING DOLLARS BACK hinges on this JACKASS not wrecking the place???? actually not even then because say#she DOESNT wreck the place when she moves out TURNS OUT the deposit goes to her cuz itās her name and account attached to the fucking#apartment and Iām just left sitting here like how. how is that fucking fair how does that make fucking sense I have to trust that she doesnt#ruin the place OR GET FUCKING EVICTED BECAUSE SHE HAS NO JOB AND NO WAY TO PAY RENT and then also trust her to just give it to me when she#moves out. Iām actually sick Iām actually gonna fucking throw up and the landlords were like yes exactly āŗļø perhaps you could work something#out with her and she could buy you out of it and Iām just like. she doesnāt have a job she still hasnāt paid me for LAST months utilities#let alone this months do you HONESTLY THINK she is EVER going to pay me the 900 dollars Iām fucking owed#and itās like does this actually affect anything? no. I didnāt budget with that money cuz I didnāt actively have it and thatās not smart but#likeā¦. 900 dollarsā¦.. I could have paid off the rest of my credit card with that and also itās just infuriating that that money is basically#just being GIVEN to this fucking bitch who I KNOW is not gonna keep that apartment in good shape and thatās again if she somehow doesnāt get#her ass evicted cuz sheās not paying bills why they even LET her sign her own lease there I do not understand she literally has no proof of#income but ig they probably didnāt check that cuz she technically already lived there Iām just so. Iām so tired and Iām so done can I PLEASE#stop being the one who constantly gets screwed fucking over in EVERY situation no matter fucking what#while all these fucking idiots and shitty fucking ppl get whatever they want and actively BENEFIT from me getting fucked over???? Iām done.#Iām so fucking done I am never living with someone ever again never being finanacially tied to anyone fucking again and you know what. thats#great goes well with me basically being convinced atp to never be vulnerable with anyone ever again and never trust anyone ever again and#never dedicate ANY part of my life in a genuine sense to anyone ever again I will be fucking alone in every sense for THE REST of my fucking#life and thatās that. itāll be better. this kinda shit will stop happening. financially emotionally psychologically I will stop suffering#because holy fucking shit I canāt do it anymore man Iām sick of it Iām sick of trying to be a good person and depend on people and be#vulnerable and always uphold my side of the responsibilities and arrangements just to get fucking spit on like man if this is what being a#shit person gets ppl maybe I should try because they sure seem to get all the benefits and whatever the hell they want consistently and#always while I try and be considerate of others and devote myselves to them and this is all I fucking get for it#and ik I KNOW this is just the straw on the camels back and this is a lot of issues compounding and itās not even about the money atp#but Iām just. Iām so fucking sick and tired and beaten down and Iām tired of trying I just want to be completely on my own#so at least if bad things happen or I feel like shit I only have myself to blame and itās safer that way and Iāll have to stop feeling like#this and dealing with these types of things UGH
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sometimes i hate everyone and my life and sometimes i think it would be better if i just died at this point
#except for my puppy i love him i always will#i would probably let him gnaw on and mess up my dead body anyway#but either way sometimes i feel like people dont actually care for me and that im just a stupid loser#i could never be like them i could never get as much attention and love and praise as them ever#it hurts because they get it from someone i know too and i just dont know what to do#even if me and them dont talk anymore i know its my fault but i could never talk to them again now#i just dont know whats wrong with me and what im doing wrong and i dont know why im so unlovable#i dont know why im not interesting and i dont know why i dont deserve attention am i really that needy#sorry this is impulsive and im probably going to crash out and go through an episode but i think im sick and its making everything worse#i just want to be known and i want to be somebody or something i could go on and on#im not going to do anything i think but at this point i feel like im so close to doing something for attention#i want people to tell them how much they love me and how much they worry about me i want their praise#i have my puppy for that but hes different because he understands i love him so much you dont understand#im so tired of putting in the effort when nobody has interest in me and wants to know me#im so sick and tired of being needy when i have something perfect already right in front of me i feel so guilty#because he is enough he will always be enough my puppy is always going to be enough he deserves so much better#but then i cant bear the thought of him actually going out to find better i want to spend the rest of my life with him#i want to marry him and i want to work on myself so i can feel the type of love he makes me feel consistently#i want to carve his name into my arm and carve my name into his thigh so we are bonded#i want to be with him forever and even in my death i want him to stay with me and be by me#i want to be buried with him and i would want him to dig up my grave and throw me back when im all rotted#i love him so much you dont understand i know this got off topic but i think somethings wrong with me right now
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#vent#vent post#cw negative#Sevenās Public Diary#wish i wasnāt so fucking worthless and useless and stupid and selfish and mean#i am just so goddamn sick of my own bullshit. but i never change#iām so tired of being weighed down by my 56492 mental illnesses. i donāt like being like this#my sleep schedule is so fucked up again and im tired of this constant cycle#this constant fight and endless effort to stay on a goddamn routine#all i want for christmas is a goddamn consistent sleep schedule#i hate sleeping through the day and being up all night but itās like my body was fucking built for that or something#i donāt like it!! i want to be an early bird who goes to bed at 8pm and wakes up before the sun rises!!! but im the exact opposite!!!!!!!#i wish i just didnāt need to sleep at all. that would be the ideal. so many problems would be solved.#no i Really wish i just had the ability to fall asleep and wake up whenever i actually Want To instead of my body calling the shots#fell asleep at 9 this morning and im so mad that i didnāt get up when i was woken up at 11#a 2hr nap wouldāve been fine and i wouldāve made it through the rest of the day and been able to fucking sleep again tonight#but noOOooOoOo i had to give in to the allure of my warm cozy bed and fall back asleep for 9 more goddamn hours#now once again im too awake and rested to be able to go back to sleep. but once morning rolls around im gonna be exhausted again#and iāll either give in and attempt to take a ānapā and itāll turn into a 12hr sleep again#or iāll have to like. walk laps around the fucking house just to keep myself awake through the day#and iāll be super irritable as a result and make everyone around me miserable too#but everyone is already beyond fed up with my issues and behavior. rightly so i guess. so i lose either way#god there was so much stuff i was gonna/supposed to do today#i donāt know how much longer theyāre gonna put up with me being such a deadbeat#you think thatād like. motivate me to get my shit together or something but no. iām addicted to being unconscious i guess#sleep feels so fucking good. until i wake up. which is funny bc itās all nightmares and stress dreams anyway. why do i even enjoy sleeping#i guess bc for the first few hours after waking up i experience some modicum of relief from my other mental illnessesā symptoms#like a soft reset.#and itās the Only thing that gets rid of my migraines so god forbid i get one of those bc then i Have to sleep regardless of the time of day#anyways! :) thatās enough whining for one vent post. time to go do something productive
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I've decided to get rid of my body, it only causes problems
#im sick and im not doing well about it#last night it started with runny nose and sore throat. now its added bodyaches. headache. and sleebiness#i hate bodyaches the most. like not being able to stay upright or walk because my bones ache is the worst#i shouldnt be able to feel all of my bones but here we are#ive slept literally all day except when i showered and called in sick to work for tomorrow#tomorrow wouldve been my fifth day at work. not great to call off this early#now that ive regained a little energy im trying to knit and watch the marvels and dimension 20#not at the same time#knitting is not normally a taxing activity but rn it feels like im fighting for my life#also my boss just left me on read when i texted her. cuz idk the protocol for calling out at this place so i just texted her#and ive been left on read. hopefully that wont be a problem tomorrow. cuz im too tired to care#ugh this body just loves being sick at the worst possible times#surely its not my fault for consistently not eating or sleeping well#anyway goodnight
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my best friend (no. 4, i'll start assigning emojis soon for lore followers) asked me about BPD and i told them i'd talk more about it in person because BPD is the exact overlap of my own lived experience (note: i am not diagnosed but have extensive history with BPD in a secret more confusing way) and my psychological interest. but like now i'm thinking about it and generally speaking i think anything that was a symptom towards BPD i experienced has either grown more mild now that i'm out of an active trauma situation, OR has just become part of what i consider my amorphous CPTSD thing,
but i do like. think about the efforts to avoid perceived/real abandonment. and maybe i've not gone to the lengths some folks might with this but to be honest the more i think back to my own personal history the more i realize that i do in fact repeatedly do insane shit to avoid abandonment š
#NEVER beating the abandonment issues allegations#haunted by the time someone tried to break up with me and i told them they could cheat on me with other people so long as they didn't leave#ALSO haunted by the idea of breaking up with my ex causing me so much anxiety i was physically sick and begging then like very soon after#i lost pretty much all interest in my ex š ALSO thinking about getting into my first relationship so that person wouldn't leave#ALSO thinking about being unable to sleep at night knowing that if i don't get a job i will never see my dad again (NOBODY SAID THIS)#also almost ******* ****** because my friends were at an unknown location together so i was convinced they hated me#also feeling ******** at the thought of my favorite professor not liking me as a student. & spending my 1st r acting out so id see them#Um. anyway i don't have BPD but i'm never really beating the allegations for it anyway#mostly because BPD and CPTSD are so similar and you have to wonder if they'd be different diagnoses if we didn't have-#-such a carceral system that stigmatizes BPD and certain kinds of survivors and condemns them to never being treated like humans <-#who said that omg...#when i lay it out it doesn't even really sound like i have abandonment issues because these all seem kind of normal#but i think maybe that's insane. I don't know. kisses u with tongue#i'm able to have healthy friendships now sometimes but some people i am deep seededly convinced will leave and betray me#and i don't really know what distinguishes one person from another but it does kill me inside !#Shout out to best friend no. 2 & no. 5. i text one when i'm episodic so i can get her attention & the other i consistently like.#Will do literally anything for so that they don't leave me
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Well, that was a long day!
Actually, it was more of a long weekā¦
Suffice to say, I am very happy that my work week is over.
#it was a challenging week#i work at a daycare#and so many teachers got covid#so we were consistently understaffed#and we have a strict illness policy#where if kids show any signs of illness when covid is going around#then they have to stay home until symptoms improve#and if we have to send a kid home#they have to stay home the following day#unless they get permission to send their kid in#and the parents Do Not like our policy#which i understand#staying home from work is difficult#but if we didnāt have this policy#we canāt slow the spread of illnesses#and then too many teachers get sick and stay home#and we canāt meet state required ratios of adults to children#which means we have to start shutting down classrooms#itās unfortunate but it has to be done#so anyway this week was a lot of being overworked#and dealing with angry parents
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