#being a menace vs being annoyed

[babychosen]

the continuation of this bit is everything to me

[acciojaeyun]

under the web | p.sh.

PAIRING. officemate!sunghoon x fem!reader

SUMMARY. there's something about the way people seemed to scurry about whenever park sunghoon from the IT department would be coming to whichever area of the office. that's something that would be all because of you, his lovely officemate. your constant teasing and mockery of that one thing you know about park sunghoon made it seem to reach the headlines, and park sunghoon was determined to let you know that you're not the boss here.

CONTENTS. smut, some angst, some fluff. smut with plot. not beta-read. MINORS DO NOT INTERACT.

SMUT WARNINGS. making out, humiliation, implied dom vs. dom dynamics, dirty talk, slight exhibition, curses, virginity, unprotected sex (please practice safe s), reader is a jealous menace (a bit stalker-ish), mentions of manga, mentions of other members, if i forgot some, lmk!

WORD COUNT. 4.1k

AUTHOR'S NOTE. this will be my first ever sunghoon fic after a long while! i did take a hugeee slump after writing ( and had never been so inspired to write oneshots until now. and i'm such a sucker for glasses hoon and this is the product of it. thank you so much for reading! <3

MY LIBRARY. REQUESTS ARE OPEN!

It was an annoying morning.

Or well, for you, it was annoying. For you had to witness a group of interns gushing over the "guy with rolled sleeves and glasses making his coffee," and you scoffed when they mentioned that he looked like an Americano drinker, which, in their words, made him more attractive.

You rolled your eyes, the guy that they were talking about never liked Americano. In fact, his black instant coffee had the same amount, if not more, of cream added to his stainless steel coffee tumbler.

How did you know about that, though?

One thing about you was that you knew Park Sunghoon very well. He was the Class Salutatorian of Batch 2023, bachelor's in Information Technology. It was pretty impressive, if you were to ask everyone else. Park Sunghoon was immediately hired by the company that you are working in, and while you can say that Sunghoon did deserve both the position and the benefits, you couldn't help but feel like he didn't deserve the attention men and women alike were pouring him.

Of course, if anything, it should be you showering him attention. But, you wouldn't do that. Not when you're Y/N Y/L/N. You're the darling of the company, the sweetheart, so to speak. Because even though you cannot be of the same level as that of talent, knowledge, and skill which Sunghoon possess along with his looks, you were a pretty hardworking person.

Being in the Marketing Department also had its hardships, and while you still pray for the day commoners stop shunning down your bachelors, you are able to supply yourself with your needs and wants just by exerting everything you've learned in business and people-speaking.

But there was something about Park Sunghoon that makes him your own thesis.

Your own skill in building relationships didn't seem to work on him as much as you had hoped. Okay, let's admit it, you had taken a liking into Park Sunghoon. The quiet IT Specialist that exuded looks that were enough to make women fall to their knees.

A little bit of chit-chat here and there, some subtle glances and light touches, you were still far from the starting line. Park Sunghoon still hadn't reciprocated at least a fraction of your advancement towards him.

And by now, you're almost as helpless as it could be as you're munching on your own lunch, eyes over the cubicle of the IT department, watching how Sunghoon eats his sandwich, gaze never leaving his computer as he typed in codes with his other hand.

"How's the thing with Mr. Cold guy doing?" Sunoo would nudge your side as he caught you staring at Sunghoon for the nth time today.

You rolled your eyes for the nth time today as well, "He's so annoying."

"Now, he's annoying? Please, Y/N, cut yourself some slack. You need to get humbled, too, you know?" The blonde boy laughed as he sipped on his coffee.

"I just don't know how he hasn't caught up on it yet," you groaned, stabbing your fork on the penne pasta that you had on your lunchbox, "I've been doing a lot! How come he's still oblivious!"

"That, or he knows and just doesn't want to do anything."

You furrowed your eyebrows at Sunoo, "What do you mean?"

"Please, you're practically throwing yourself at him, it's a miracle how he hasn't caught up on yet."

"Or, he's a virgin."

Sunoo laughed, "Maybe,"

A loud thud on your desk was heard throughout the department as you placed your lunchbox down, "I'll talk to him."

"Again?" Sunoo looked at you, bewildered. "And, while he's working?"

"What, can't he handle a little distraction?"

"With you almost pushing your boobs towards his face? I think not."

"You know what? Fuck you." You flipped your best friend off, making him laugh as he ate his tteokbokki happily, ready to see you in your downfall yet again.

You, on the other hand, were determined. Straightening your slacks and blouse, grabbing your laptop, you made your way over to the IT Department, greeting everyone along the way while making a beeline straight to Sunghoon.

"Hi," you greeted.

Sunghoon hummed, his eyes still not leaving his screen.

"I mean to come to you to help me with a feature on the application that we're using?"

The boy glanced at you, his chewing coming to a slow halt.

"What about it?"

"Oh, I was hoping that I can access the Network's files? I've forgotten my flash drive at home and I only have access to some of the files but it would be in Sunoo's disk."

Sunghoon flashed you an impressed look at your terms, at the bare minimum.

"It'd be against company policy to allow you to access other people's disks without their consent, Ms," Sunghoon cleared his throat, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose, "and besides, aren't you friends with Mr Kim, anyway? Why wouldn't you ask him directly?"

"Uh, well..." you trailed off, "well, Sunoo also has the copy of this file on his flash drive, and coincidentally, he has also forgotten it at home!"

The boy raised an eyebrow at you. He was not buying it, you thought.

But your thoughts were proven wrong as Sunghoon swivelled in his chair, clicking on the multiple tabs open until he had manipulated the system for the time-being upon your request.

Your hands glanced on his hands, so dainty, long, and pretty. You wondered how it would feel around your neck, or in your pussy.

"It'll be open only for your access, Ms," Sunghoon said, looking up at you, "I'll be resetting it to company's default after forty-five minutes. Would that be enough time for you to get your files?"

You nodded, "Yes, thank you,"

"Do you have anything else for me to help with?" Sunghoon looked at you with a raised brow, making you blush.

"N-No, not that I know of, thank you, Sunghoon," you smiled at him.

He merely nodded before opening his coding software, clearly blocking you out from all his senses as he returned to eating his sandwich and work.

You pursed your lips, inhaling a large breath as you excused yourself from his cubicle, greeting yet another group of people acknowledging your presence as you made your way out of their department.

You were not expecting what you are seeing.

Not at all.

Whatever it was, there seems to be a glitch in the system as you also had an access to Sunghoon's drive.

You see, it was not your fault you were a bit nosy over your crush. You had taken a liking in him, and maybe, you think, there may be some stuff about him in his drive that could let you know a little more about him.

If not him, then, maybe, technology, his trusted friend, could help you.

You've seen his curriculum vitae, all the data he's working with, his clients, as well as a folder of his personal stuff which included torrented movies.

You laughed, his degree really has his perks.

You were so close to clicking off the movie folder named "O", but as you clicked on the next folder, named "P," you gasped at the number of porn videos were downloaded into the folder.

And all of them had the same theme: office sex.

It maybe too much, but in your mind, it made sense, when you were noticing how each of the female partners had the same features as you. Smirking to yourself, you glanced a look at the IT Specialist, bingo.

Surprised would be an understatement when Sunghoon entered the pantry as he went through his usual routine: leave his things at his desk, make his creamy coffee, work, leave to buy Subway for lunch, work, leave at 5:30 PM sharp.

He was surprised when the first people in the pantry left as he entered the room, furrowing his eyebrows when he heard faint words such as, "porn," "boundaries," and "couldn't he have had downloaded it in his own laptop?"

Now, Sunghoon may have been overthinking. His quiet life at work was already enough for him. But there was something bugging him for the first time in his life as he placed water in his stainless cup, especially when after making his coffee, no one would even dare look at him as he made his way to his cubicle, men and women, alike, swivelling their chairs to move farther from him, as if he were a plague.

Sunghoon rolled his eyes, it was getting to his nerves.

And if it weren't for Jake, his only friend in the department, who initially swivelled his chair away form Sunghoon, but then decided to swivel back as Sunghoon didn't even stand up for lunch, who told him about the rumours that spread about him, he wouldn't have known, and there was only one person who would have accessed his files.

You.

He snickered at the story Jake was telling him, and left Jake to his imagination whether the story was true or not, only giving him a shrug when the older did try to confirm to him.

"Believe what you want," Sunghoon responded, typing aggressively on his keyboard, "besides, I think you have, since you initially scooted away from me."

"Look, man," Jake scooted closer, whispering, "if it's not true, I could tell it to them, you know? I don't want them to think of you as some horny teenager who doesn't know about work boundaries."

"As if they're going to believe you," Sunghoon curtly responded before pressing a key harshly before looking at his friend, "if it came from Y/N, no one would even bat an eye at you."

"Y/N? Why her?"

"Only she had access to my files yesterday. Wouldn't it be too much of a coincidence if the story only spread now?" He chuckled, amused.

"So, it's true?"

Sunghoon shrugged again.

"Are you going to do something to address it?"

"Address it? What for? They already think I'm some horny dude, anyway."

"Well," Jake licked his lips, "just send me the stashes next time, too, okay?"

Sunghoon laughed.

Your plan was working.

A lot of people had taken their distances from Park Sunghoon. Making you think you're progressing at your plan to keep people away from him.

You can't help it. As long as there were hindrances in your way towards Sunghoon, you think there would be little chances to make your advances to him. You had yet to tell Sunoo, but you know that he was already aware of the rumour, and he would ask you about it after his client events.

So, while everyone had left Sunghoon alone in the pantry, that was your cue to enter the pantry. Making your way as calmly as possible to the counter as possible, you placed your food on the microwave, heating your breakfast as Sunghoon was stirring his drink in his cup.

"I never took you as the guy," you sighed, faking sympathy, getting more annoyed as you never got any reaction from the boy.

"I was expecting more from you, Mr. Salutatorian, I'm sure you know about policy since you were so high and mighty about it when I tried to get into Sunoo's files," you continued, watching his every reaction.

But he remained stoic. And that irked you.

You were about to open your mouth when the microwave had beeped, making you jump and take your food, frustrated over the fact that Sunghoon was ignoring you. Forgetting that it was still hot and you didn't retrieve the mittens beside it, you burned your fingers, finally getting Sunghoon's attention.

He discarded his coffee and immediately went his way over to you, grabbing a hold of your hand before examining your fingers, his eyes never leaving it as he tried to suck on it in attempts of both soothing the wound and seducing you.

Your breath hitched, making you look at him. What the hell was he doing?

"S-Sunghoon?"

He smirked at you as he pushed your fingers to his mouth, wetting your pointer finger with his warm tongue, only for him to retract it and swirl it on the tip of it.

"There's one menace between the two of us," Sunghoon whispered as he pulled away, leaning in to you, "and it's not gonna be you."

You let out a breath you didn't know you held as he pulled away and made his way out of the pantry.

Weeks later, you found yourself mad at Park Sunghoon.

Because after the incident at the pantry, he seemed to be hovering in your space more times than you would like. And while it did seem the best thing for you, it wasn't. For Sunghoon was not only hovering, but he made sure his presence was made known whenever he was around.

Holding on your waist, rubbing his crotch against your bum, rolling his sleeves whenever he knew you looked at him – while keeping his unbothered expression at his face.

Other than that, you were thinking he was losing his game as another person had suddenly took a liking into you. Food in carton boxes at your table by the morning you come in to work, and while you had hoped that it were him, your hopes were shut down as fifteen minutes after you had arrived from work, only had then Sunghoon, too.

Flowers were also hard to miss every week. There was a different flower every week, the whole department gushing whenever you grab a stem on your desk. And while you had hoped it was Sunghoon, again, you looked at his desk and see him in his natural habitat: working and face straight to the computer.

By this time, you had grown infuriated. Because you felt like he was toying with you. Especially when he was not paying you any attention at the Thanksgiving Party your office had held after reaching more than the targeted quarterly sales, and it was because of you! Why wasn't he giving you any attention?

Blame it on the alcohol in your system, and your innate drive to prove something to Sunghoon, a trait of yours that you have acquired overtime, you made your way towards the guy who was alone at the bar, nursing his on the rocks with his finger dancing around the rim of the glass.

"Aren't you going to congratulate me?" you spat, annoyed.

Sunghoon turned on his seat, smirking at you, "For being the best employee?"

"What else!"

He chuckled, taking a sip on his drink, "Congratulations, princess,"

You scoffed, "That's it?"

He grinned, "What, you'd want me to kneel for you?"

You were stunned. "You know what? Whatever, Sunghoon, I feel like I'm just a game to you, anyway."

And maybe that's what did it for Sunghoon, because the moment you uttered those words, you found yourself being pulled by your wrist outside of the ballroom you were in by none other than Park Sunghoon himself.

"Let go of me, Sunghoon!" you said as you tried to escape from his grasp.

But Sunghoon did not budge, he was determined on making you regret what you say. He pushed the fourteenth floor button, the floor where he was staying, and even though it took quite a while to get to the floor, Sunghoon didn't even try to lay his hands on you, it was better for him to do it on his bed, anyway.

Because you deserved it.

The moment the elevator doors opened, you found yourself being pulled to his room, with heavy breaths as he discarded his suit jacket on the couch, he turned around and met you in a passionate kiss, surprising both you and Sunghoon.

Ah, if there was one thing you didn't know about Sunghoon? Was the fact that he was a virgin. He never had any relationships in the past, and it had only been you whom he was very attracted by. So, it was bound to happen, perhaps. Sunghoon giving you his virginity in the hopes of you reciprocating his feelings.

But Sunghoon was a realistic man, of course, he knew that he was just your own entertainment. Having a lot of suitors here and there, he knew he had to step up his game.

That meant, letting you see through his drive because he was scared of doing the first move of asking you out on a proper date, because everyone was always first in doing so.

A few occurrences later, Sunghoon had decided on levelling his courtship up by bringing you food to your table the moment he gets to work. His bag still on his hand as he ordered your favourite meal as he sped placing it on your table before making his coffee.

Sunghoon had started realising that you liked flowers, so he had brought it upon himself to at least give you flowers every week, keeping it anonymous before he finally musters enough confidence to tell you that it was him who was giving you the gifts.

Not Jake, not Jay, and most certainly not Heeseung.

So, he hopes he had translated all of his misunderstood feelings into the kiss, cupping your jaw as he pushes his tongue in your mouth, swallowing the moan that you had blessed him.

"You drive me so fucking crazy, Y/N," he groans into the kiss, "accusing me of playing with you when you were the one who started this in the first place." He trails off, his lips pressing onto your mouth up and down before stopping by the skin near your collarbones for him to suck.

You let out a whimper, too lost in the feeling of his lips on your skin, "You drive me so fucking crazy, too," you start, letting your head fall back to have the boy kiss more of your skin, "I don't know what's on your mind most of the time." Sunghoon had found your sweet spot below your ear, making you gasp.

The boy hummed, wrapping his hands around your waist, pulling your body flush against his, slowly rolling his hips forward so you could feel his hard cock pressed against you, "Well, it's about time you know that you take over the expanse of my mind, princess."

You were already soaking wet at this point, basking in how Sunghoon looked today, you swear you could feel yourself salivating over how he presents himself. You pull his face away from your neck, locking your lips in an uncoordinated kiss. "I need you, Sunghoon."

Sunghoon groaned, kissing you for a moment longer before abiding to his girl's needs. His cock was aching, and you needed him. It was time to cut the chase.

"My needy little slut," Sunghoon growls as he teased you by rubbing your clit over your panties, and when he slid his hands through her folds, he was met by pleasing wetness, making him chuckle, "You've been trying to fool everyone with how much of a sweetheart you are, angel," he hummed, rubbing his nose on the crook of your neck, "but you really are a menace. Wanting her Sunghoon to give all of his attention to her,"

"Y-Yes," You moaned, grinding your hips on his fingers, "M-My Sunghoon,"

And when he motions to remove his glasses, you tap his wrist and shook your head, making him realise you never want his glasses off, making him chuckle.

"You liked hearing it, don't you?" Sunghoon inquires as he pushes you to the bed, pulling you over the edge of it as he bites on your panties, pulling it down to pool on your ankles, "You love the idea of me being yours, don't you, Y/N?" He smiles as he sinks his finger in you, curling as you clench around you.

"Yes, I do - shit, Sunghoon!" You managed to say, "I did everything because I only want you! Only you!"

Sunghoon docks his head in between your thighs to hide the blush creeping to his cheeks before pressing hot kisses into the expanse of your inner thighs, fluttering light kisses as his lips made its way to your folds, kissing it before he gives kitten licks to your bud.

Your back arches, satisfying Sunghoon with his little experimentation. He, then, soon, pushes another finger in as he started swirling his tongue on your clit, alternating between licking his tongue flat from your hole up to your clit, making you thrash your legs everywhere.

He moaned when you clamped your legs around his face, urging him to continue his movements, "M' close, Hoon," you whispered, one of your hands leaving the sheets to tangle in his newly-cut hair, and with one more curl of Sunghoon's fingers, you were already tumbling over the edge, your cries of his name falling from your mouth.

"God, you're so beautiful, Y/N," Sunghoon whispers as he cleans you off with his tongue, and when he was done, he pushes himself up as he unbuckles his belt and removes his trousers, discarding the article at some part of the room.

"I wanna ride you," You confess, making Sunghoon blush again, "oh, are you... is this your first time?" You asked, your eyes widening slightly as Sunghoon replied with a nod.

Your heart almost burst at his confession, making you sit up and pull him into a slow kiss, "I want to see how you'd look so damn sexy sitting on my cock, Y/N," Sunghoon breathes, "but I want- I need-"

"Take your time with me, Hoon."

A breath escapes you when Sunghoon finally gets you out of your dress, his hands immediately pinching at your nipple. And without another word, Sunghoon lifts your leg and lines himself to your entrance. And with a heavy breath in, he pushes in slowly, the roll of his hips feeling delicious until he's fully buried inside you, low moans heard throughout the room.

"I, fuck, Y/N," Sunghoon starts, groaning instead as you clench around him. Sunghoon hovers over you, his arms on either side of your head before resting his forehead against yours so he could look into your eyes, "God, I love you so much, Y/N."

Before Sunghoon ever regrets he had confessed out of nowhere, you had already pushed your lips on his hungrily, meeting his thrusts, you let out a whine as Sunghoon placed your legs over his shoulders, reaching deeper of you, the same time he rubs slow circles on your clit in time with his harsh thrusts.

"God, you feel so fucking amazing, Y/N," he breathes, earning a chuckle from you as you say, "You're fucking me so good, Hoon,"

Sunghoon smiles at your continuous use of his nickname, before his eyebrows furrow as he lets out a breathless moan as he hit your g-spot, making you squeal, "Jesus, I'm not gonna last much longer!" you say, and you were quick to wrap your legs around his waist, aiming to feel him closer.

"Me either, darling," he whispers, "come with me, please?"

And with a few more thrusts, you feel yourself coming on him, your toes curling, back arching, eyes almost rolling at the back of your head, as your nails rake down Sunghoon's back from his nape. Your walls clench around his cock, making him also reach his climax. He cuts your moans as Sunghoon pulls you to him for a hungry kiss as he empties himself in you.

He slows his thrusts down as he helps you come down from your highs, his lips attached again to your jaw down to your neck, peppering light kisses. And sooner, Sunghoon pulls out and rolls onto his back, his arms around your waist to make you roll on top of him.

A silence was heard in the room as you mindlessly traced irregular shapes on the expanse of Sunghoon's pale skin. He feels like his heart is about to explode from mixed emotions, having the girl of his dreams on top of him, his virginity in your hands – but, at the end of the day, he's unsure about your feelings for him.

However, one thing's for sure: you were all Sunghoon had ever wanted and needed, no matter how much the world can prevent him from doing so.

"I mean every word I said," Sunghoon whispers, kissing your hair, a silent affirmation to the thousand words running in your head.

You giggled, "I feel like I'd look good bouncing on your cock, too, Sunghoon."

"N-Not that.." Sunghoon blushed, "I am really crazy for you, Y/N, but you know, we could just pretend it never happened and think this is a one time thing."

"That's so unfair of you," you say, looking up and leaning your chin on his chest, "because I'd rather have you bringing over lunch and flowers every time if that meant having you every day."

Sunghoon visibly relaxed, smiling at you warmly, "So, it's forever."

"It is."

© acciojaeyun, 2024.

[pazziville]

because i adore pazzi to the bone and have them on my mind 24/7/365 i shall present my pazzi roman empire list

part two here!

pazzi state fair tradition

azzi's mom liking a post about pazzi and paige

azzi greeting jon a hbd ft. paige

azzi saying paige has a great heart

paige lockdown defense aka hugging azzi

pazzi reserved 💗 for each other compilation

azzi calling out for paige

pazzi horseback riding

paige being touchy to azzi while playing with kids

azzi's lock screen that is allegedly paige (other angle)

the ornament

drake concert

paige is a fudd confirmed

azzi's amazing nap with paige

pazzi bench getty images

paige being azzi's number one fan and the president of azzi fudd fan club

infamous ice live ft. pazzi

europe air

pazzi touchy moment near the bench

matching for halloween (video clip)

paige calling azzi bighead

paige's crush

down bad in europe

paige being a menace while azzi studies

azzi annoying paige after their cool handshake

paige watching azzi with a baby

taking the fair to paige

matching/borrowing of necklace pt. 1

azzi twerking in front of paige

allegedly jealous azzi

iconic 'wife' clip

paige one sided staring contest with azzi

the goddamn sza concert wherein paige allegedly looked at azzi in the lyric 'i don't wanna see you with anyone but me'

team paige or team azzi

team doing a tiktok and paige allegedly pointing at azzi and looking at her during the lyric 'i'm saying that i love you everyday'

lifting clip

totally unnecessary holding of hands

sharing of clothes pt. 1

europe boat together

ice suspiciously smiling when paige mentions azzi

no one can stop them from teasing each other

matching shorts

together before mavs vs celtics game 2

paige staring at azzi hard

azzi saying it's good that paige isn't scared of the dark cause she is

compilation of interactions for team usa u17 part 1 part 2 part 3

paige sleeping in azzi's bed [video]

cruise clip

moments during 2018 girl's capital classic all-star game at st john's

lowkey flexing each other

paige fixing whatever was on azzi's outfit during the wnba draft

taking photos of each other

them in each other's ig comments

THE pazzi hug

crazy eye contact in sue bird's show

matching pants

young azzi slapping paige's forehead

azzi staring lovingly at paige

azzi wearing pazzi slam shirt and covering paige's face with a sticker

paige hovering over azzi while she works out

sleeping on the couch

her partner in crime

paige in azzi's tiktok comments

azzi's relationship with paige's family (another one)

azzi spanking paige

paige's eyes are glued to azzi

paige favorite a semi-pazzi edit

young pazzi enjoying a party together

matching/borrowing of necklace pt. 2

azzi hugging paige's mom

reading in front of kids

airport fetus pictures

camping

princess was rizzed

borrowing/matching clothes pt. 2

paige grabbing azzi for a hug

factimes

azzi trolling paige's reading ability

matching outfit

a bueckers bantering with a fudd

gentlewoman paige

soft pat pats

borrowing/matching clothes pt. 3

story of the olaf lego [one] [two] [three] [service]

paige heart eyes

azzi heart eyes

part of the family

azzi speechless after looking at paige [backup]

since i've hit the link limit in this post, time to make a second list which i'll be linking in this post! 💗

a/n: submissions of worthy pazzi roman empire moments will be accepted and shall be continuously added to this list. 🫶🏼

[goldammerchen]

Pretty much what happened character-wise! Even if I like to keep some of his edge

Hetalia Volume 5: Special Booklet Part 2

Slowjamastan is what fandom thinks Prussia is

[mogamuncher]

Brucie is a menace to society: The Thesis

Urrgh the brainworms got to me again, so we're talking about some funky Brucie Wayne headcanons:

• There's a difference between Brucie Wayne interacting with the general public and random rich folks that he isn't too close with vs Brucie Wayne interacting with business partners, friend, or people Brucie is generally a bit more trusting towards

• To the general public and the more distant rich folks? Brucie is a himbo dork, a hot playboy manwhores who donated to charity all the time, a little dumb, a heart of gold, definitely seen as way too naive. Brucie is just a well-intentioned goofball who is very good looking, he's clumsy and kinda adorable, people just generally like him because of his Vibes™. Also just very good with kids, though his habit of adoption is brought up a lot in jokes

• But with long time business partners, friends and people he'd be closer to? Brucie is 100% a smug bitch, absolutely insufferable. He's like, still seem as mostly stupid and vapid, still a manwhore, but as they get to know Brucie more others definitely start to catch on whenever he's just fucking with people. Brucie can no longer get away with pretending like he's naive anymore, because these specific people have 100% caught him saying curtain things solely because he thought it would be just so fucking funny

• Because of this, Brucie tends to be more playful with this select group of people, being less of an adorable himbo and more like a loud snarky friend, he's absolutely hilarious if you're actually in on the joke, has an awful habit of teasing others as well

• If you're particularly grouchy or insufferable then Brucie will dedicate the rest of his day to bother you in particular. He can and will just make up any excuse to have a meeting, or to tour at someone else's office, or anything and other to simply be able to annoy bitter people from a close range

• His biggest victims: Oliver Queen, Lex Luthor and Harvey Dent. These three will never know peace, the moment they got close enough to get to the more snarky side of Brucie it was game over. It was really common to see Bruce waltz through parties acting like his normal himbo self, only to do an immediate shift in attitude once he spotted one of them, the press usually found it hilarious

• Lex is the one that suffers under this the most since he's the bitchiest man alive, so Brucie is basically in speed dial to annoy this man 24/7, he's an actual menace about Lex to the point where he will make the trip to metropolis solely to piss Lex off on a completely random Wednesday. They're both the prettiest people to ever exist so the annoyance is actually kinda mutual, but Brucie often wins out since his reactions aren't really fully genuine (on account of being, well, Brucie), something that Lex is endlessly bitter on. To this day no one can tell if they're genuinely actually friends, or if they just hate each other

• Oliver does not get hit by the full brunt of the Brucie Wayne Effect™ as Lex does, but they both still snark at each other all the time, to the point that having a conversation with the two of them present becomes a comedy routine really fast. The accounts of the poor poor survivors that have ever third wheeled their conversations say that it was vaguely reminiscent of being the ball in a game of verbal tennis, as was read in a particularly descriptive article released by several bitter interviewers

• Now, of course Harvey is actually aware that Brucie isn't really fully real, like, he knows that it's mainly a persona, he's actually had full conversations and memories with Bruce instead of Brucie. Still though, Brucie and Harvey are like a menace duo, being targeted by both of them is a sentence to being messed with or manipulated, it's actually really impressive what they can get done together. Of course, they both use their methods for good, and to annoy people that are assholes while still somehow being polite, so it's more funny than anything, really

• Brucie is also just generally more mellow around Harvey, being less snarky and sometimes even quiet, staying in a sweet spot between Bruce and Brucie. Seeing Smug Bitch™ Brucie Wayne chill out a little whenever Harvey was around is a bit surreal to everyone else though, Lex and Oliver will forever complain about it

• Once Harvey became Two Face, Lex and Oliver both actually had some tact (yes, I know right) and gave Brucie some space to deal with it. A week later after the incident Brucie visited both of them with a big confident smile, beer and an invite to a party with only the family friends

• Not much changed after that, Lex is still insufferable, Oliver is still playing along with Brucie's bullshit to some extent, and Brucie is still a menace to society disguised as a harmless himbo playboy. Though sometimes the clear absence of Harvey is felt, especially whenever those quieter and softer moments of Brucie mellowing out simply cease to exist entirely

[babyangelsky]

My Favorite Expressions in Love Sea Ep. 4

WHEN I TELL YA’LL I FEEL LIKE A KID IN A CANDY STORE WITH THIS SHOW!

It’s giving me so many things I wanna talk about and scream about and I WILL but I wanna talk about the expressions first because they were once again excellent. Peat officially sits at Poom Phuripan’s “I love everything you do with your face” table.

The two most dejected, disappointed men on the whole island. They’re about to be parted and they both hate it so much they can’t even speak for a few moments. (There’s something else I started to notice happening here too but that’s for another time)

Being sad isn’t going to stop Mut from teasing and Tongrak from getting annoyed, but just look at these two faces. We went from annoyance to looking like the saddest kitten ever in seconds as soon as Mut mentioned saying goodbye. Forget not wanting to say goodbye upset, Tongrak doesn’t want to say it at all.

If I saw Mut make this face after saying “I’m used to it” after I was unable to keep a promise I made to him, I would do everything I could to stay with him.

And so would Tongrak, which is why he tried again to make it work as soon as he saw it because he took that promise seriously. It was at this moment that he resolved to never disappoint this man ever.

Curiously amused with a sprinkle of hope, to sad, to putting on a brave resigned face. All within microseconds of each other to personally devastating effect.

I’m really starting to lament my lack of gif making talent. I would gif every frame of this scene if I could. I would also hit my image limit immediately if I included every face I loved in this scene so I’m moving on but! I had to include this face because it’s the face of a someone who won’t say he’s in love but who ALSO won’t let go of his menace of a man come hell or high water. Pero he’s not in love.

Sure, Jan.

Actual literal angel vs. “tell me I can’t, I dare you” vs. just-got-smacked-in-the-head levels of shock. Poetic cinema.

I loved watching Tongrak watch Mut to see what he’ll do now that they’re in a different environment. He really is so patient in such an interesting way. He’ll watch, but only for a little bit. When a boundary is so much as approached, he steps in and says something. He doesn’t baby Mut but there is very much a line in the sand for him where Mut is concerned and he doesn’t allow it to be crossed.

I see you seriously thinking about stairway s*x, Tongrak, you can’t get things by me.

We’ve arrived at the line in the sand event horizon. Although Tongrak is very patient, he does lose his patience a couple of times with Mook but he doesn’t ever raise his voice at her. He just makes a face in his vein and firmly but gently reestablishes boundaries.

Mut has been a sugar baby for less than 24 hours but already he has the expression of a man who knows he has pride of place.

Also Mook, my dear frazzled girly, if you clutch those pearls any harder your fingers are going to cramp.

We had already passed the patience event horizon when this face happened so I actually did think for a second that Tongrak was going to snap at her. He didn’t quite, he just stopped her with her full name, but to me this is the closest he got all episode.

“What are you going to do next?” Mook asked. “Eat a canary,” this expression replied.

I look at Mut like this, too.

A menace. An entire fucking menace, I want him carnally.

So does Tongrak. B*reback on the stairs.

He pictured it and had to dial back into the conversation lmao

Another moment of waiting and watching. Tongrak was about to go shower, heard what he thought could turn into Mook saying something that crossed the line to Mut, and stopped to wait and see where the conversation went before he actually went upstairs. He will not allow anyone to be nasty to his sugar baby.

*sings ‘I Won’t Say I’m in Love’ under my breath*

Throughout this whole contract scene, you can see Mut get hit with…I don’t think it’s a full bucket of cold water, but certainly a splash. I’m sure part of him thought that getting swept off to Bangkok would be more romantic and less business-like but I don’t personally read this as disappointment, although it easily could be read that way.

To me he has the expression of someone who’s had all the cards laid out in front of him, has read them, and is currently reworking his perception but who still absolutely knows what he’s about. This man has not been deterred by this contract.

A face that very clearly says, “oh I like you”. Sorry, Mook, Vivi cannot help you because she plans to help Mut win her best friend over instead.

And Mut likes Vivi too! I hope they become menace besties. Pour one out for Mook now because they aren't gonna let her rest.

Again, it would be very easy to read this as resigned disappointment and I think Tongrak does at first. I think he even wonders if he was too harsh about not believing in love but really, all Mut is doing is doubling down in his mind before he does so out loud.

One of these two men does not yet understand what they just signed up for, and it sure as hell ain’t Mahasamut.

I finally hit the picture limit but the rest of the episode is just Vivi and Mook shopping so it’s fine. This show is a feast and I am not done talking about it by a MILE.

[hiwelcometothemonstersancturary]

For the pairings can you talk about The Prototype and Angel? Your interpretation of them has me in a choke hold lol

I'M SOOO HAPPY I ALSO HAVE YOU IN A CHOKEHOLD, THESE TWO HAVE CONTAMINATED ME WITH THEIR SILLINESS.

They're parallels and mirrors of each other. Angel could have become the Prototype, and the Prototype could have become Angel, if only the circumstances were different. They share similar grief and a deep feeling of alienation: Proto for being the first one and the only one that's as crooked and weird as he is, and Angel for being both an immigrant and a queer person in the USA. Grief for losing loved ones, Angel with their friends/coworkers and the Prototype for seeing his loved ones become nothing but experiments of a company he made from scratch. I could go on and on about their similarities and differences, but in the end the conclusion is the same: They KNOW each other. They KNOW how similar they are and they just Get each other, and to me this is sooo fun to explore and think abt whenever I talk abt them!

Also like. They're literally the parents of a household with almost 90 kids (numbers will prob grow once we get the official Chapter 4, but alas). Sure that it takes a while for Proto to be promoted to parent #2, but DANG, THEY ARE THE PARENTS. Two best friends who decided the best course of action was to get legally married bc this would provide some extra protection for the kids if anything bad ever happened to Angel!!!!!! AND SPEAKING OF BEST FRIENDS.

Angel loves annoying the Prototype and the kids. Their love language is being a menace (just ask their parents and Miguel about it), and after a while Proto both gets used to it AND starts annoying Angel back. What is a friendship but an excuse to be awful in an affectionate way. Angel will forever bully the Prototype for not realizing the critters were all alive, and in turn he's literally going to drag them to random places so they can stop working for ONCE. They have the same dad humor, by the way, much to the horror of some of the kids. They're besties!!!! I have said this a thousand times but they are besties!!!!! Only Proto knows some of the shit Angel went through, only Angel knows the things Proto went through. The torture the scientists made him stand, what he did and thought and felt the decade after the Hour of Joy, everything. Angel tells him about how sometimes they think they aren't enough for the kids, or how they fear they're being either too harsh with them, or how awful their last nightmare was.

Also to me the funniest phase of their relationship happens after Angel realizes that, unfortunately, they want a QPR with the Prototype. Like. They're all "I can't fucking believe this, I doubt he would accept the offer if I explained I may want something more but not the romance part of it" and "how the fuck do I explain to him that I value our friendship more than anything and I think it's something different than all of my other friendships without it sounding weird as fuck". Because Angel DID tell him what a QPR was, but they doubt Proto would want something like that. And then it cuts to him like "hm I think there might be something else to this friendship, but not romantic in nature. We may have achieved a deeper bond than anything I have ever had before, friendship-wise". Disaster of a human person vs scientist DESPERATELY wanting more affection. It's SO funny to me.

also like. Post-officially-becoming-a-QPR-couple. HILARIOUS. They pull the "we're partners" thing whenever it's convenient even if it involves pretending to be a romantic couple. They have no idea how it works. These two 100% do the "ask your other dad" thing in order to annoy one of the kids into going back-and-forth between them until said kid goes "stop doing that!!!" and then Angel has to control their laughter. Nothing really changes post-that except that now Angel sometimes gives him a kiss, they got too used to using Proto as a giant teddy bear by the point the QPR happens. Proto, however, now has excuses to just grab Angel and give them a hug without feeling weird for doing so [he's awkward when asking for affection in general].

[phregnancy]

Sometimes I read bottom Dan fic from a few years ago and I'm like "who are these people?" lol. It's like people totally disregarded Phil's personality in order for him to fit the stereotypical mold they'd cast him in. It was the same for Dan tbh. Lbr the only reason why people thought Dan was the bottom is bc he's younger and more outwardly feminine than Phil. The idea that bottom= submissive and top= dominate is flawed anyway, but also...Dan is not submissive. He's quite bossy and controlling. In the past, I'd even say he could be domineering. I don't see their dynamic as even being Dom/sub tbh. It's more of a playful power struggle. Except Dan fights by asserting dominance and Phil fights by being cute and whining until Dan gives in or being an absolute menace and annoying Dan into submission lmao

rewriting this for the third time because my app keeps refreshing </3 but i agree with alllll of this. putting it under a cut because i got way off course and went on a tangent lol

someone recently said that they can tell who of us have been actively engaged in diverse irl queer communities (clubs, bars, sports leagues, activism groups, etc) vs who of us haven’t and i’ve been thinking about that a lot in regards to this. obviously nothing wrong with not engaging with your irl queer communities, some people don’t have access or don’t feel comfortable or simply don’t want to and all of that is fine - but you do have to work harder to unlearn a lot of heteronormative concepts like these and you have to familiarize yourself with queer culture and history (outside of social media). people’s outward presentations of masculinity and femininity have nothing to do with their sexual preferences, and dan has shared that exact sentiment in so many words (wondering if people think he’s a bottom because he’s slightly more feminine, and then discouraging that narrative as a whole). i also think there was a lot of hyperbolizing with their masculine and feminine presentations, because for a long time dan really was not that feminine and phil really was not that masculine. they were both emo nerd boys who played video games and drank too much soda. even now with personas like sister daniel, that really is not the height of femininity in queer culture or drag culture.

i think there’s also something to be said about people’s lack of familiarity with queer culture showing in people’s thoughts on them being in an open relationship and also 2009 bottom dan.

i don’t particularly care about the open relationship discourse one way or another, but a lot of mlm relationships are open. there are studies and statistics on this, gay men are the most comfortable and open to open relationships. if they hooked up with people when dan was touring or even just someone every now and then, it wouldn’t be as shocking as some people make it out to be. i also think there’s a problem with people conflating open relationships with polyamory, and those two things are often very different. people in open relationships tend to be committed to each other, but will sometimes want to have noncommittal sex with other people. polyamory is having multiple committed relationships (romantic or sexual). clingy phil and possessive dan having noncommittal sex with other people wouldn’t change that they’re still clingy x possessive. and if you’re actively engaged in irl queer communities vs online echo chambers you’ll learn this.

i’m getting way off course here lol but then in regards to people thinking 2009 dan was bottoming as a default, that’s been a pet peeve of mine since forever because it shows a lack of familiarity with mlm relationships. it’s extremely unlikely that dan’s first gay sexual experiences were being on the receiving end of anal sex, that takes time to get used to (with yourself and with a partner) and often isn’t most men’s first gay sexual position. they also weren’t together long enough until phil got his first apartment to have dan be familiar enough with anal to take phil’s dick every time he visited. i know everyone thinks little twink dan taking phil’s big dick is so hot, but big dicks can be painful and are something you work yourselves towards. and y’know, who knows what actually went on in that bedroom so much cherry everywhere, but i do think we should dispel some of these beliefs that again are playing into heteronormativity (little feminine dan taking big masculine emo phil)

dan has always been bossy and controlling and he was quite confident with the people he was comfortable around (phil + other youtubers + his audience) and then grew to be a confident person in general. i see them as a real brat x brat relationship with them being bratty in different ways (bossy/teasing vs whiney/pushing buttons).

here’s my last thing (thanks for reading this novel if you made it this far) - there is a difference between knowing all of this, and still just preferring bottom sub dan x top dom phil because you think it’s hot, vs believing there’s no other dynamics that could exist because of heteronormative stereotypes that you are actively playing into. like what you like and have fun! but please work on educating yourself and unlearning heteronormativity. sorry for the spiel!

[dumbass-duo-showdown]

DUMBASS DUO SHOWDOWN ROUND 2 BATTLE 3

Josuke Higashikata & Okuyasu Nijimura from JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure (ship name: josuyasu) vs Cole Brookstone & Jay Walker from lego ninjago (ship name: bruise)

REMINDER TO CHECK OUT THE PROPAGANDA UNDER THE CUT!

JOSUYASU PROPAGANDA

Josuke is fairly decent, but okuyasu, you know how in math, if you multiply a negative number with a positive one it is always negative, that is josuyasu for you. Josuke has 6 braincells and Okuyasu has -6734. Their first meeting was okuyasu trying to kill josuke, then he shows up at his house a few days later and goes "hey lets go to school! btw your mom is hot!" Josuke punches a plate of spaghetti because he thinks the chef is evil, they both fight a middle schooler who stole their cash. Okuyasu got the third most op ability in his part but he is too stupid (and kind) to realize it. Somehow they survive their entire part. They are thus far the second jojo and jobro duo to not lose each other. the second one? THEM IN AN ALTERNATIVE UNIVERSE! (okay but okuyasu is swapped for koichi in that one, but still).

Josuke normally is pretty smart, but somewhat silly, but Okuyasu. Isn’t incredibly bright but he’s the best jojo character idc. Okuyasu brings out josukes stupid and then they are just besties and totally bouncing off each other’s stupid ideas. Idk what Okuyasu does to josukes brain but I’m here for it

I saw the post title and without reading anything else immediately went to submit them, only to go back and read the full post and realize they were included by default. They are THE dumbass duo. Ever. The worst protagonists for a detective story, but they dumbassed around so hard they somehow caught a genius serial killer. No matter who wins, they’ll always be the number 1 dumbasses in my heart.

they are the best of friends, which of course means they met by trying to kill each other.

They’re both so stupid. Like josuke isn’t that stupid on his own but he’s kinda dumb and when you put him with dumbass incarnate okuyasu they multiply each others’ stupidness. Together they are a menace.

JOSUKE AND OKUYASU FOR THE WIN BECAUSE THEY SPEND AN ENTIRE DAY TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHETHER OR NOT A RANDOM ITALIAN WAS EVIL BECAUSE HIS PASTA WAS TOO GOOD

Okuyasu and Josuke share a braincell and they lose that braincell at least 5 times a day

The majority of Diamond is Unbreakable is those two getting themselves and their friends into absurd situations. There's no way the sportsboys can compete with discovering aliens are (maybe???) real and immediately trying to use the alien(??) to cheat at dice. Then they burned down someone's house

#josuyasu are DUmbass Incorporated and i love them#its literally canon that okuyasu has one of The Most Powerful Abilities In The Entire JJBA Universe#but is too dumb and good natured to put it to world ending use

this gif

don't ask about the weird space

BRUISE PROPAGANDA

They both come up with the dumbest ideas on the team and make jokes all the time

They got into a love triangle/fight because they were just dumb and missed each other. Also they’re canonical besties who are so fucking stupid but also love each other so much

They’re both just so silly… anxiety dumbass and emotional support dumbass…

They ended up in jail once because they broke a dangerous criminal out with good intentions, had a fight over a girl but in the end said that they were more upset about losing each other

part of the bruise propaganda being "they fought over a girl but actually they just missed each other too much" is RIDICULOUSLY funny to me they also were paired off at the start of season 8, resulting in jay mimicking cole, cole getting INCREDIBLY annoyed because jay doesn't understand how vows of silence work, and then the two of them getting into an argument which leads to an entire monastery of monks breaking their vow of silence. they singlehandedly caused an entire monastery of monks to break their vows of silence because they're that stupidly annoying. jay also got really jealous that the princess they meet in season 13 was interested in cole. like bro literally said "the princess seems interested in cole. i mean, he's my best friend and all, but, cole??" vote bruise.

[darkdemeter]

Strife: *To Death and Fury* S/O is so adorable and cute and sweet and- *Continues gushing about S/O while War hides a small smile* Death: *annoyed not bc of S/O but bc he’s the older brother and constantly has to watch his younger siblings’ constant trouble when they were younger, being menaces to life especially Strife* They’re the ones who FINALLY get to experience what it’s like taking care of a young one and they’re the one who gets a sweet one? How is that fair?! WHERE’S MY RETRIBUTION?! 🤬

Death finds it EXTREMELY UNFAIR. He’s just waiting for when times get a little tough and little reader starts becoming a little cheeky, Death is going to be so smug about it.

“Well, now you know how I felt.”

Death tries to be very stoic about it, but eventually when the other Horsemen get a bit tired and need a break, guess which big brother comes to lend a helping hand… Death. Yes, he can’t help it in the end. It’s in his nature as a leader, the eldest brother to take care of his siblings and that extends to reader. She is the new youngest of their little family.

As for Fury, boy is that a dynamic and a half. She’s like a teenager but worse when it comes to being an older sister. The amount of actual fighting scraps she and Strife get into because she was mean to you or not giving you a hug — worse! She didn’t give you uppies. That’s not on. That is NOT OKAY.

So when Strife and Fury go tumbling down a steep hillside, the spike haired vs the fiery haired, at each others throats like dogs, you’re instructed to stay with War as Death goes trudging down to ram their skulls together to get them to knock it off.

[anonymousewrites]

One Hell of a Love (Book 1.5) Chapter One

Sebastian Michaelis x Demon! Reader

Chapter One: One Hell of a Monastery

Summary: (Y/N) and Sebastian go to a cult, and (Y/N) finds themself annoyed with Sebastian's tactics for getting information.

Mouse Note: This book is called “1.5” because it contains almost everything that is non-canon to Manga storyline. I had a bit in Book 1, but that stuff can be moved on from in Book 2. Book 1.5 will contain the end of Season 1 and the entirety of Season 2 of Black Butler. So, while this book and its storyline does exist and the emotional realizations of Sebastian and MC are canon, I simply hold it separate from the rest of Sebastian and the MC’s story to not create too much confusion of canon vs non-canon Manga storyline.

            “This morning, you are scheduled to have a dancing lesson with Mrs. Bright,” said Sebastian as he and (Y/N) walked beside Ciel. “This afternoon, you have an appointment with Lord Winsler, who runs a trading business. Are you paying attention, Young Master?”

            “Didn’t I tell you I’ve had enough of dancing?” said Ciel. “It doesn’t suit me.”

            “You are too modest. I thought you looked lovely at the soiree,” said (Y/N), smiling impishly at the reference to Ciel’s undercover work. Ciel sent them an icy glare as his ears turned red, but (Y/N), not being his contracted demon, didn’t have any reason to be nervous and just grinned wider.

            Ciel huffed and opened the door to his parlor. He deadpanned at what he saw inside. He had another visitor prancing around his mansion unannounced. This time, it was Ash, the Queen’s butler. He was chatting and sipping tea with Tanaka.

            “You are Her Majesty’s butler!” said Ciel.

            “Master Ciel,” greeted Ash.

            “How is it that Her Majesty’s butler came to be drinking tea in my mansion?” asked Ciel.

            “You may not be aware of this, Young Master, but Mr. Ash has always been the one to deliver Her Majesty’s orders,” said Sebastian.

            “Is that even a butler’s job?” asked Ciel.

            “As a butler, it is only natural to be able to investigate applicants for an audience with Her Majesty, deliver an envelope to Lord Phantomhive shortly thereafter, and relish some tea with Mr. Tanaka while about this business, conducting it during Her Majesty’s afternoon nap!” declared Ash forcefully.

            He’s got Sebastian’s work ethic, thought (Y/N).

            “So, Mr. Ash, what can we do for you this time?” said Sebastian. He had no answers for it yet, but he too felt some instinctual wariness around the butler, so he wanted to make this meeting quick.

            “Well, now,” said Ash. “There is a catholic monastery on the outskirts of Preston that was set on fire during the Reformation and is currently disused. A religious society preaching heretical doctrine has begun assembling there. Rumor has it that the founder of this society possesses the Doomsday Books of all his followers.”

            “You mean the land register? Where things like livestock and property appear?” said Ciel. “Even if he has all this information, what good is it to him?”

            “Not Domesday. Doomsday,” corrected Ash. “These books they are worshipping are quite different from what you have in mind. Doomsday: the Day of Judgement. Indeed, it is a register, but of the sort you need when flung before the Throne of God. They say all your offenses, virtues, and vices are engraved on its pages.”

            Ciel tsked. “Yet another encounter with the occult.”

            “It would also seem they’re planning an uprising against the government,” said Ash. “The residents of Preston are frightened by this heretical menace, and Her Majesty the Queen is deeply saddened by it.”

            “Does this mean they are to be dispersed, or rather, eradicated?” questioned Ciel.

            “I will leave that to your judgment,” said Ash.

            “Very well,” said Ciel.

            At the widow, Pluto suddenly jumped up (thankfully in human form and clothed) and began banging on the window. His mouth was open in a wide grin as he stared at Ash. The white-haired man’s eyes narrowed sharply, and Pluto’s face dropped. He walked away dejectedly. (Y/N)’s nose twitched at the interaction.

            “Who is he?” asked Ash.

            “Just an employee,” said (Y/N).

            “I see. He seems interesting,” said Ash. His violet eyes landed on (Y/N). “As interesting as any one else on this staff, of course.”

            (Y/N) and Sebastian’s gazes were cold and gained no warmth until after Ash had made his departure.

l

            “So, where shall we start?” said (Y/N).

            “According to Mr. Ash, the monastery is heavily guarded,” said Sebastian. “That would make it difficult to infiltrate directly. He also mentioned on his way out that a considerable number of coffins have recently been transported into the monastery.”

            “Coffins, eh?” said Ciel. “Well, then, we know who to visit.”

l

            Sebastian, Ciel, and (Y/N) walked into the Undertaker’s shop, and they saw him standing beside a coffin with his back to them.

            “Undertaker, I have a favor to ask of you,” said Ciel.

            “If that is the case…” Undertaker turned slightly to reveal red glasses and fluorescent eyes. “…Let my humble being relish this most excellent romance!” Grell ran towards Sebastian and (Y/N). They just stepped to the sides and let her slam into the wall.

            “Grell!” exclaimed Ciel.

            “Hi, Earl,” chirped the voice of the actual Undertaker.

            “Undertaker!” Ciel blinked in confusion upon seeing Undertaker buried neck-deep in a pot of salt.

            “He had the impudence to speak disrespectfully about a Grim Reaper, so I pickled him in salt,” said Grell matter-of-factly.

            “Oh, the sensation of moisture slowly leaving the skin…” Undertaker giggled. “It is out of this world!”

            “What are you doing here?” demanded Ciel.

            Grell shrugged. “Investigating something on Will’s orders. However, I did not find much information, and I got hungry and sleepy. Having a restorative afternoon nap in a field of flowers, I somehow ended up being carried here. It could have been a mistake not to breath while sleeping.” She batted her eyelashes at Sebastian and (Y/N). “And there I was, waiting for my true love to wake me up with a nice, long tongue kiss.”

            “I’d smother you in my sleep,” said (Y/N), smiling brightly.

            “The subject of your investigation?” prompted Sebastian coldly.

            “Certain Cinematic Records have been stolen of late,” said Grell with a sigh.

            “Cinematic Records?” said Ciel.

            “No need for a brat like you to know about them,” said Grell.

            Just to be contrary, (Y/N) said, “It is a film of people’s memories of life that play when a reaper collects a soul or strikes the soul with their scythe.”

            “Let me make this very clear: you humans can only see it on the brink of death,” said Grell.

            “You said they were stolen. Can they be stolen?” questioned Sebastian.

            “Well, yes,” said Grell. “They are kept in the library when not in use. The past of all living things—that is to say, of everything that is doomed to die—all the sins and virtues they commit are carefully recorded in the shape of a book.”

            “Rather like a book for their Doomsday,” remarked (Y/N). The coincidence was unlikely to be chance.

            “Yes,” said Sebastian.

            Ciel nodded and turned to Undertaker. “Undertaker, I need you to help me with something.”

            “If so, bestow the finest of laughs upon…” Undertaker looked at Grell dressed up in his clothes and grinned. “On second thought, my service will be free this time.

l

            “Wasn’t the infiltration supposed to be difficult?” muttered Ciel after the cramped ride in coffins (courtesy of Undertaker). Instead of anything seriously difficult, the man at the gate allowed them to walk beside him as he guided the cart of coffins farther into the monastery.

            “Yes, indeed, it should have been,” said Sebastian.

            They passed a nun and a monk, and all three cult members smiled to them cheerfully as they passed.

            “Impeccable smiles, aren’t they?” muttered Ciel.

            “The smiles of those too foolish to understand their own stupidity,” said (Y/N) brightly as they came upon the church itself.

            Inside were stained glass windows with depictions of saints and angels. Wooden pews lined the stone floors, and a dais with a pulpit headed the room.

            “Good evening!” Several little boys ran into the room, all dressed identically (it really was the typical cult). “Good evening! Today was a wonderful day again, don’t you think?”

            “Oh, they are so cute,” cooed Grell. “I have no real care for kids, though.”

            “Good evening, Miss Unclean,” said one of the little boys to Grell. “You really are dirty, through and through.”

            Ordinarily, (Y/N) would find Grell getting called out entertaining, but at the use of the words “unclean” and “dirty,” (Y/N)’s eyes narrowed. Those words were far too familiar.

            “What?!” snapped Grell.

            “Did something happen, Miss Unclean? Are you feeling unwell?” asked another boy.

            Grell hit him over the head. “You brat! Leave the ‘unclean,’ out, you hear?!”

            “Ah! I was touched by an Unclean!” cried the boy. “I must be cleansed!” He and the other boys ran away from Grell into a hallway as a nun walked out.

            The nun chuckled and smiled softly. “After a certain age, all people are considered impure.” She gazed at the four present. “Judging by your clothes, you are recent converts. Don’t worry, once initiated into the teachers of the Founder, you will be purified.”

            “Sebastian,” said Ciel. “Get answers.” It was an order.

            “Impure? That is strange to here,” said Sebastian, obeying. He began to walk towards the nun. “Such a beautiful lady as yourself could not possibly be tainted.” The nun blushed at him as he stood before her, her back to the wall.

            (Y/N)’s eyes narrowed, and their irises flashed fuchsia possessively.

            “I know close to nothing about this religious society,” said Sebastian. “Could you explain it to me in detail?” He smirked sinfully.

            “Of course…” The nun blushed and squirmed under his gaze. “But then, what are you…!”

            Sebastian’s hand slammed into the door by the nun’s head. She squeaked, and he leaned close with a smirk. “There was a bug.” He stood up to his full height, towering over the extremely-attracted-to-him nun. “Now, you will tell me everything, won’t you?”

            “Y-Yes,” stammered the nun. “If you’ll…come with me…” Sebastian took her by the arm and guided her out of the room.

            When he caught (Y/N)’s eye, he was surprised to see their arms crossed, nails almost claws as they gripped their arms tight enough to leave marks. Sebastian’s grip faltered on the nun’s arm.

            But he had his orders.

l

            “Oh, no~! I’ll become unclean!” gasped the nun within the stables as Ciel, (Y/N), and Grell stood outside. Ciel looked uncomfortable, Grell was growling, and (Y/N)…Well, they were close to murder, and Ciel and Grell were a careful distance away, even if they didn’t understand why they looked that way.

            “Ah! I can see it! The gate to Heaven!” cried the nun.

            “Tch,” said Sebastian under his breath. This was not enjoyable in the slightest.

            Outside, (Y/N) tapped their claw-sharp nails against the wooden fence, light scratches digging into the wood. The thought of that prissy, good-two-shoes, prudish, fool of a human touching Sebastian made every demonic instinct hiss for blood. They knew Sebastian owed them no loyalty—they had merely been mentor and apprentice, and he would barely admit to them being actual friends with some sort of bond—but (Y/N) couldn’t stand a naïve little human touching him.

            Grell could see (Y/N)’s eyes turn fuchsia and their claws appearing, and ordinarily she would comment on how attractive they appeared, but for once Grell made the smart decision under the (correct) assumption that one wrong word could get her head torn off.

            “Oh!” cried the nun.

            (Y/N)’s claws shattered the fence.

l

            “The Doomsday Books of those who live a long life become tainted,” explained the nun as she brushed her disheveled hair. She sat in the hay with her dress on as Ciel, Grell, Sebastian, and (Y/N) listened to her. “The Founder purifies a part of the taint recorded in the Book for us. He also says the Doomsday Book contains a record of both the past and the future.”

            “Oh? The future, he says?” remarked Sebastian, but his eyes slid to (Y/N) as he saw the dark look in their eyes.

            “However, the only ones to learn about that are the children chosen for the Heavenly Choir,” said the nun.

            “Heavenly Choir? Are they singing hymns or something?” said Ciel.

            The nun blushed. “The nuances of it are probably somewhat different from simple singing. They let their beautiful voices be heard from the Founder’s bedroom.”

            (Y/N)’s eyes narrowed in disgust. Perfect, a place to focus their anger—disgusting perverts that exerted their power over others. (Y/N) would tear them to shreds as soon as they were given the chance.

            And then they might kill that nun, too. But that would be just for fun.

Taglist:

@technikerin23

@im-making-an-effort

@izzieg3987

@jinxxangel13

@alexpangender

@otomyoli

@neenieweenie

@nex-crowley

@anxious-chick

@bellacastiel

@v1l-ismissing

@agentdedf1sh

@idkhowtoplayhoyoversegames

@iamsexytrash

[sky4cherry]

okay so we know that two-bit and trip always fight when it’s socs vs greasers during songs, but in your personal hcs do you have a reason why they always pick each other?

see i can definitely see and love the fact that people think it’s marbit related but i have other thoughts!!

obviously two-bit is a really good fighter

and i truly think paul just looked at trip one day and went “YOU 🫵 YOU SHALL COME WITH ME NOW” and like honestly trip strikes me as a good fighter i can’t really explain it??

also the fact daryl and sean are besties hehe

i think two-bit is very much the kind of guy who flirts with soc girls in front of their boyfriends just to annoy the boys,, especially because he knows he has a reputation as being a good fighter so he often gets away with it

so it really works in a marbit context but also in a context of two-bit being an absolute menace LMAO

[nugulover69]

Boonboomger vs KingOhger, what do you think?

Well I don’t know abt plot structure but I can give you my thots on character interactions:

Realistically, Gira and Taiya would have some playful batter and some light fighting. ideally though, they should nearly kill each other. Gira would say some shit like “QUIVER BEFORE ME YOU WORTHLESS WORM ILL CONSTRUCT YOUR BONES INTO A CHALICE AND DRINK YOUR BLOOD FROM IT” and Taiya would say “that’s so cranked-up” in his usual flat delivery with a smug grin and a massive erection

Yanma should call Ishiro a pants-wetting dweeb and then bap him to death with his bop-it sword. Shiokara and the hacker gang are cheering off to the side

Boondario and Rita bonding over their love of weird lil creachers

Mira ABSOLUTELY needs Himeno to tell her to be more selfish and demand actual payment for her crime fighting duties from Taiya

Jeramie fully babysitting Jou with fantastical tales of Terra and whatever weird Kyoryuger-related lore is going on there

Sakito and Byoon D are off like. annoying Racles and Suzume on their honeymoon or something. or maybe they’re annoying some Bugnarak idk either way they’re being menaces somewhere

Kaguragi and Genba should have gay sex. graphic anal on camera no less than that

[homoerotic-shonen-rival-showdown]

Round Two Match Eight: Sasuke and Naruto (Naruto) vs Gojo and Geto (Jujutsu Kaisen)

why should you vote for them?

Sasuke and Naruto (autoqualified but still got 4 submissions):

duh

Idk I don’t go here I just wanna help them for all the tumblr girlies

because of every single crazy quote they’ve said

Gojo and Geto (3):

uh…divorced. i love them

STSG ESSAY TIME >:)))))) Warning for Jujutsu Kaisen anime/manga spoilers ahead! I had to explain deep dark depths of the story to prove that they deserve to win the crown. Here I go. Gojo Satoru and Geto Suguru (also known as Satosugu or simply stsg) deserve to win the crown for the following reasons. Please bear with me throughout this whole essay because I am unequivocally insane about them. First of all let’s get into the rivalry side of things.

In high school, Gojo was an absolute menace. The first time Gojo and Geto met, the latter hated the former because he was annoying, rude, and arrogant. Now eventually they became best friends, but you see, their rivalry returned when Geto was exiled from the school because they had a stark disagreement in moral ideologies, which resulted in a dramatic breakup in front of a KFC (yes, this is actually canon). Gojo was supposed to execute Geto because he did some Bad Things (that we don’t need to get into right now) but as Geto walked away he said (paraphrased) “Go ahead and kill me. There’s meaning to that.” And My Lord is that a line. So for the next ten years of their lives, these two were separated, now on opposite sides, now each others’ enemies. Eventually this came to a climax when Geto declared war on Gojo, but before we get to that, let’s pause for a second, and talk about the meaning behind this all. I’ll try to make this part quick because without restraint this would become excessively long. So technically, Gojo and Geto’s breakup directly caused the plot of Jujutsu Kaisen to unfold. If they hadn’t broken up, then Geto wouldn’t have declared war and then died. If they hadn’t broken up, Geto’s body wouldn’t have been possessed; his body wouldn’t have, completely against his will, trapped Gojo in a prison, as Geto sat back helpless, unable to do anything to stop his best friend from being sealed *by his own hands*. Every single other tragic event that happened in Jujutsu Kaisen would not have happened, because, assuming you have never watched/read Jujutsu Kaisen, no, Gojo and Geto are not the main characters, and the whole rest of the cast was affected by this event. Yes, this homoerotic rivalry breakup is the very Big Bang for Jujutsu Kaisen, because if it didn’t happen, Jujutsu Kaisen wouldn’t have the incredible plot that it has. Butterfly Effect at its finest. Anyway, now that their rivalry is out of the way, I will now get into their homoeroticism.

My first piece of evidence for their homoeroticism is that… it’s in the name. Both of their first names start with “s” and end with “ru”. Both of their last names start with “g” and end with “o”. And both of their full names have the same amount of syllables. There is no possible way that this wasn’t done on purpose to get the point across that they are literal soulmates. Do I sound insane yet? In addition, Gojo called Geto, and I quote, “my one and only”. Now if that isn’t some fruit ass shit then idk what is. And now the most damning evidence of homoness, comes when Geto died by Gojo’s side. This was after the war that Geto declared on Gojo, and Geto ended up on the losing side. Even though they had been rivals for ten long years, they still had an important and heartfelt history together, so as Gojo walked over to his dying best friend, Geto smiled, glad to see not only an old friend, but the most important person in his life, for the last time. Gojo’s last words to Geto as he died were NEVER REVEALED. Only very very few producers of the anime know the words. They will be released soon but for now we don’t know. But it was confirmed that his last words were THREE WORDS. Now I don’t wanna put any words in Gojo’s mouth but the most obvious theory here is that he said “I love you” as his best friend and rival of 10+ years died by his side. This is even further affirmed when, after hearing those three words, Geto BLUSHED, SMILED (as he was in the process of bleeding out!) and described the words as (paraphrased) “embarrassing words that they had never said to each other before”. IT’S BARELY SUBTEXT AT THIS POINT YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND THEY’RE GAY AS HELL!

Now before this gets any longer I will cut myself off here. Thank you for coming to my way-too-long Ted Talk about these stupid ass anime men who have been plaguing my mind for months, I hope you take my submission into consideration! I don’t expect them to win but I’m just happy I get to aggressively type an essay about them in this google form :D

[silviakundera]

Fox Spirit Matchmaker: Red-Moon Pact Ep 4-6

The bad guys being haters who want to make a humans vs spirit war in service of their ambitions...and the sequence of "woe is me, the outsider orphan raised in the clan of enemy race where everyone thinks my people are evil.... Is there no place I can belong? Let's go visit the local orphanage to get inspired to Make A Difference" was cliche and kids-film simplistic.

ML Yuechu gets over the whole torture & sacrifice deal ridiculously fast but as I think he plays lively & mischievous much better than raw angst and serious drama... that's for the best.

So far the drama isn't doing anything new at all but it's (a) very pretty, (b) avoiding lots of little pitfalls, and (c) the gender flip in the ML/FL roles makes it feel less cut/paste

I really like that they didn't keep it a secret that FL fox chief was giving up her spirit bone to the Grief Tree. I have a hate-on for the common trope of a 1 member of the couple doing a secret sacrifice but the other doesn't know and misunderstands them. (In general, the narrative having a character play the secret martyred victim annoys me.)

Actually, the drama avoided annoying the fuck out of me twice. They allowed Yuechu ML to be aware that FL rescued him instead of making it a mystery that would be dragged out and affect how the characters interact 🙌

They're dragging out FL's realization that she has romantic feelings for Yuechu, but that's fine for now since she sees their species as so incompatible (that lifespan difference is no joke) (of course now that she lost her spiritual bone and will wither with the tree... Maybe not? 🤔)

The actor playing Jin Renfeng is...not good. He's just not very authentically menacing. Looks confused/constipated more than ominious with barely leased rage.

I don't really care about the secondary couple, famous incognito hero and his #1 fangirl, but then I rarely have interest in the 2nd pair.

And though normally I'm high-key hyped for princess x bodyguard pairings... wyd here??? "In order to survive, the spirits must follow orders." In a kingdom where humans are enslaving spirits with a talisman, I'm not gonna get horny for a slave/slave master ship. You literally just showed me captive children crying behind the bars of a cage like 2 minutes ago. 💀

Why is everyone shaming the bodyguard instead the human master???????

Ok princess, the first step in courting your spirit beau would be destroying the talisman that's controlling his people and maybe stop putting babies in cages? 🤔🤔

Does everyone just think they love being slaves & do it for fun? This is some secret that only the bad guys figured out? THEY'RE LITERALLY THE SPIRIT MASTER KINGDOM

oh and Dongfang Luo has been in a coma for 100 years, ready to wake up to create a love triangle in act 3

[schmirius]

okay but what if... a different ofmd s2

I tried several times to make a less tl;dr version of this post, but it's not happening. BEHOLD: a season I just like better. It fixes things that I personally didn't like (and I have a strong Ed and Izzy bias). I wanted to do a few major things:

Keep 2x01-2x03, because I love them so damn much. this unfortunately sets the stakes *really high* for the rest of the season, so...

Rework the characters that canon s2 introduced, to be able to focus more tightly on the Revenge's response to the 2x01-2x03 atom bomb.

Give Ed and Stede more focused arcs (individually and as a couple). Ed and Stede were, emotionally, at completely opposite poles in 2x01-2x03, and in canon I think they didn't connect much after that. So in my version, they'll do basic work to understand why their s1 meet-cute failed and how they can move on to having a real relationship.

Address Ed's very vividly depicted violence from 2x01-2x02. I found the amends depicted in canon somewhere between "unsatisfying" and "horrifying." Jesus did I need to fuck around with that!

the three major acts in the season:

ACT 1 (2x01-2x03) – Trauma! These episodes remain largely the same as in canon.

ACT 2 (2x04-2x06) – Recovery I've edited these episodes so Ed + Stede are entirely separated from Izzy + the Crew. This gives the OTP space to work on themselves and their relationship. Likewise, Izzy has space away from Ed to go through his arc of self-discovery and consider if he wants to reconcile with Ed. Izzy and the Crew all get a chance to recover from The Trauma on their own, together as a community. ACT 3 (2x07-2x08) – Reconciliation Act 2 has given everybody time to process Act 1 and how they might come out of it as better versions of themselves and a stronger community. Now the OTP and the Crew reintegrate and, in the 2x08 climax, prove all their work has been worth it by fighting together against an external menace. (It's Hornigold. It's got to be Hornigold. This is so obvious to me.)

* * * THE CHARACTERS:

Each crew member is talented brilliant incredible showstopping spectacular, but in the interest of brevity, the characters in the imaginary episodes are going to be:

Ed and Stede → The OTP – Ed and Stede as a couple. Color-coded red so you can follow their arc.

Izzy

The Crew, who begin in Act 1 as three separate crews:  → the Castaways (everybody Ed marooned/tossed overboard at the end of s1) → the Breakup Boat (everybody from canon s2 on the Revenge with Truly Insane Ed → the Girls (introduced below)

THE BOATS:

Most episodes are going to have two plots running, taking place on two ships:

The Revenge

The Pearl Diver (again, below)

Last terminology note: I'm going to be comparing "canon episodes" vs. "imaginary episodes" or "new episodes" a bunch.

Ready? Alright, let's kick it.

* * *

ACT 1 – 2x01-2x03 – TRAUMAAA

Ed + the Breakup Boat: The action on the Revenge remains basically the same, with the torture and the murder-suicides and all the crimes. Stede + the Castaways: I'd cut the Republic of Pirates in 2x01. Instead, I'd start with everyone at sea on the ship that rescued them (which also creates an atmosphere of everyone still being trapped by the awful shit that happened in 1x10). What ship? I think introducing Zheng the historical pirate is a really cool idea, but I also think it's one idea too many. Zheng's objectively cooler and more successful ship is always, implausibly, overshadowed by the lovable misfits on the Revenge, since the Revenge is the workplace that the show is about. This is annoying to me (and probably Zheng). Instead I'd make the rescue ship one of equal goofiness: Mary and Anne's ship. I'll call it the Pearl Diver, just because I can. We can lift the formula from Ed's ship in s1:

s1: gay men // s2: lesbians!

s1 power couple on the ship is Ed+Izzy // s2 is Mary/Anne

s1 crew members who later join Revenge are The Boys, Fang+Ivan // s2 will have the Girls, a surgeon and her competent sailor girlfriend. one of them is a trans woman, I said so

the set is just the Revenge with different props on, lol

Okay, that's our lesbian ship set up. It'll last five episodes and be a very easy foil for the Revenge. Stede: His 2x01-2x02 bit seemed to be "I love Ed, I'll get back to him no matter." I'd push that harder. New s2 will open with Stede as a brave romantic adventurer sallying forth into true love (the same way he was a brave romantic adventurer sallying forth into piracy in s1). So: "I love Ed, I'll get back to him no matter, and the force of our newfound love will be what straightens this all out." The OTP:  Ed and Stede are both hopeless romantics, of course, but they're coming at it from opposing genres. Ed thinks he's the doomed villain in a big-R Romantic novel. Stede thinks he's the little-r romantic hero in a bodice-ripper. Their job in new s2 is to shift ideas of self & genre to meet somewhere in the middle.

ACT 2 – 2x04-2x06 – RECOVERY

I think a lot of what s2 tried in mid-season succeeded, but it didn't really add up to anything. In order to advance Ed and Stede's arc(s), I'd isolate them from the Crew. This gives everyone space to start clearing up the Act 1 wreckage.

(quick 2x03 note:) The major change I'd make here here would be moving the Breakup Boat crew off of the Revenge sometime mid-episode so they can recuperate on the Pearl Diver instead. They get to leave the trauma boat, which gives them and us the audience some breathing room as we transition out of the murder-suicide portion of the season. In the Pearl's infirmary they meet the Girls – surgeon and girlfriend – and reunite with the Castaways. There's a palpable sense of each group feeling isolated from the others.

2x04 – really intense cleanup

Time skip: The Breakup Boat crew have been declared physically recovered enough to start repairing the Revenge (and therefore prepared to grit their teeth and return to the scene of their trauma). The Castaways offer to help; the Girls come along in solidarity with their new friends. The Revenge: (this is also 2x04 in canon) Izzy never left the wrecked ship, is doing Bad. The three separate crews do ship repairs, but then come together as one Crew to declare Izzy their unicorn.

The Pearl Diver: (this story has no equivalent in canon)

Ed: never leaves the Pearl's infirmary, is doing Bad. He's trying to come to grips with the fact that he did all that shit, the kind that his dad and Hornigold used to. Stede: is focused on telling Ed about their true love rather than trying to understand how awful Ed feels, to the point that he's telling his newfound love~ story super loudly to avoid talking about Ed's pain.

The OTP: They have a moment where they stop talking past each other.

Ed hears Stede when he says that he really does love Ed. (Ed doesn't necessarily believe it, but he's willing to listen.)

Stede hears Ed when Ed says he feels trapped worse than ever (though he's weirded out Ed thinks he's a doomed villain). (Stede, our favorite Ed stan, literally doesn't care what Ed did except as far as how Ed feels about it.)

2x05 – letting loose

Time skip! Again, everyone looks slightly less haggard. The Revenge: (this is 2x06 in canon; I've moved it to 2x05) The Crew: have Calypso's birthday, paid for with the treasure they wouldn't throw overboard in 2x01 because it's their treasure and not Ed's, ffs. Joyful, queer, "we're surviving, we're getting through this together." Izzy+Ed: I'm aiming to untangle the shitty parts of their codependency and eliminate Ed's outright domestic abuse. I read canon s2 as Izzy fully untangling himself from Ed and then presenting Ed as a gift to Stede, and I did not like that for anyone. I'm aiming to conclude new s2 with Izzy+Ed acknowledging how bad it was at the end (with a little more emotional insight than they might have been able to do in s1 – maybe this huge event in their lives leads to self-reflection and growth!) and how they could move forward maybe as very complicated friends. Izzy's going to be taking the lead on this one, because the codependency very much ended in Ed doing violence to him. He gets to decide what the fuck happens. So: Izzy: is finally somewhere without Ed, first time in 30 years. Now that he's been unicorn'd (feels supported), he has room to unwind and start discovering what he might like to do. So he does drag. And also sings about his complicated feelings for Ed, come on, Izzy has love for him. In new s2, Izzy still gets to bloom, but he remains closer in personality to his grumpy cunty s1 self, not quite consciously understanding how he's changing. The Pearl Diver: (this is 2x04 in canon; I've moved it to 2x05) The OTP: have the bonkers Mary/Anne dinner party (their f/f co-captain counterparts). They do their awkward exes bit. In canon s2, they see Mary/Anne as "these guys are so weird, wtf"; in new s2, they're more like "these guys are so weird, omg. remember how weird we were last year? that was so fucking great." Conclusions:

Ed and Stede have more in common than they'd feared (since, like, 1x10)

They see they can be dramatic assholes in love like these bitches and that's great.

But also: maybe they need to be less self-centered than "burn down your ship which is your entire livelihood without considering that this might kill your crew." Maybe Mary/Anne rowing off cackling in a boat together (to, say, China) isn't the W they thought it was.

also also: caught up in the adrenaline of understanding they're mad lads, Ed/Stede do the impulsive "taking it too fast" (canon: 2x06) and BONE.

Lastly: The OTP ask to reboard the Revenge now that there's no Pearl Diver, mentioning hopefully that they've learned a lesson. The Crew are not convinced. They maroon Ed/Stede on land at close of ep.

2x06 – restucturing

The Revenge: (this plot is similar to Izzy+Stede's story in canon's 2x05)

Haven't thought of a frame story I like here, honestly. But the point of the episode is that Izzy helps Crew to be better pirates. This does two things:

Izzy's getting a chance to choose to manage people for himself, rather than as Ed's minder or Ed's goon.

Crew are getting competent advice from someone who genuinely gives a shit (Stede or Ed do not fit the bill). This allows them to keep running things in a fairly democratic structure where they do make decisions based on actually, for real, Talking Things Through.

Crew: consider what they're going to do about Ed and Stede – who maybe have had time to sort themselves out a bit? – replete with silly company restructuring metaphors.

Izzy: probably does shirtless swordplay considers how he wants to deal with Ed. Talking to Crew he decides that he, too, can try airing grievances with Ed in workplace metaphors. (It doesn't take much to convince him. Izzy will always love being a professional.)

On Land: (this episode has no equivalent in canon)

The OTP: in true OFMD style, they attend a modern couples retreat that has 18th c trappings. It is run by the straightest dude ever (Steve Carell levels of Kinsey 1 in 18th c khakis).

This dude is obnoxious, but he does remind them to strike a balance between demonstrating their love by talking through their needs (e.g. 2x04 infirmary, 2x05 dinner party) and by taking action (which will always be bonkers for them, like 1x09 act of grace, 2x05 impulsive boning). I'm thinking of it like: Ed/Stede realize they're whim-prone (as in canon 2x04), and also there's this tool nearby.

They're like, hey, actually I really love you, and make out sappily for a while then wonder, bemusedly, why they didn't do that before fucking a bunch. ("but the fucking was still good?" "oh yeah mate, we should definitely always be fucking")

Unfortunately: The retreat ends abruptly when they spot pirate hunters closing in on the B&B and have to make a run for it.

ACT 3 – 2x07-2x08 – RECONCILIATION

I really couldn't tell what canon was going for at season's end, starting from about "Stede kills Lowe" at the end of 2x06. I found a lot of it contradictory and kind of ass-pull-y. Major divergences to follow.

2x07 – reintegration

(this episode is similar to canon episode 2x05)

The Revenge: Having spent 2x06 thinking about what they want to do next, the Crew decide they can take on Stede + Ed on their flight from pirate hunters. Everyone's back on the boat. I'd probably make the frame story here something silly and light-hearted like the Cursed Red Suit. Everyone can mingle in groups that are different from the ones they started out in during Act 1 – permutations of people from the three distinct crews, Stede and Izzy and Ed thrown together with people they haven't seen in a while. These different groups can brainstorm deeply stupid solutions to this probably fake problem. I'd probably make the frame story here something silly and light-hearted like The Cursed Red Suit. Everybody can mingle in different groups and brainstorm deeply stupid solutions to this probably fake problem. Ed/Stede: Crucially, Stede and Ed aren't together in any of these groups. They separate and see everyone and understand that they're not, actually, in charge of Crew anymore. It's weird but okay. They both have to legitimately listen like they've been practicing all season. Ed doesn't apologize but he at least doesn't fuck with anyone, so that's... fine. Izzy+Ed: They haven't seen each other since the murder-suicide farrago in 2x02.

Izzy: "You can do the big gestures but you're a shit captain, Ed. You can't be there on the everyday stuff." (with subtext: you need to give a shit about me all the time, not just when I can be convenient to you.) It's not any kind of forgiveness, and Ed can't offer an apology because he still doesn't understand them. But this is Izzy saying he'll talk to Ed (with more pushback than canon's 2x06 "oh look it's scowly face").

Lastly: This has been a monster of the week ep where the first five minutes were like, there's a problem which will affect us in the future! and then the middle of the episode is, but it's not affecting us right now so let's do interpersonal stuff! Sadly, whoever they dump the Suit on at the end of the episode reminds them the problem still exists: the pirate hunters are worse than they thought. Hornigold is on their trail.

2x08 – IT'S REAL PERSONAL

(this episode has no equivalent in canon.) And here we reach the locus of all my frustrations!

Nose Guy doesn't exist in new s2, so we don't need to blow up the Republic with no foreshadowing as in canon 2x08

Zheng's awesome fleet doesn't exist in new s2. The foreshadowing that she was planning something incredible doesn't have to come to nothing like it did in canon 2x08, when her fleet also blew up with no foreshadowing. (what was that badass montage from canon 2x02 of her crew portaging ships thru the jungle even for ;_;)

Canon s2's sudden decision to make the stakes of the entire season "oh, uh, everyone wants to destroy piracy?" and completely ignore all the interpersonal problems set up in Act 1 – that doesn't happen!

Probably nothing in imaginary s2 will be as intense as 2x01-2x03 were. But new 2x08 will be a claustrophobic, high-pressure situation where everyone will have the resolutions they made in Act 2 tested, in a situation as dangerous as the worst of Act 1.

HERE WE GOOOOO Cold open on the Revenge:

A scene that looks about as bad as Ed's storm in 2x02: Izzy is dead from a headshot, Crew are panicking, Stede is alone and can only shout to Ed that he loves him from far away.

Ed is kitted out as Blackbeard at his worst – makeup and all – and seems ready to, again, blow the whole ship up. Viewer is perhaps worried that Ed has, again, lost it. We balance on the precipice!!

TITLE CARD!

Chronological start of ep:

Wind back the action!

Time skip from 2x07: The Revenge has been running from Hornigold for weeks, hiding themselves in ever smaller spaces as they get jumpier and jumpier about the pursuit. (Think on deck → main cabin → galley → the secret fucking deathbed under the galley.)

Ed, off by himself, is beside himself at the thought of meeting Hornigold for real once more. He failed to kill him all those years ago – what must he do now to solve the problem for good?

Intercut with Hornigold's ship:

Hornigold is chasing them, being a dick in his sumptious cabin. It's light on the action, heavy on letting us know who he is.

He's cruel and violent, like Act 1 Ed, except (a) he's less concerned about covering up his awfulness with charm and (b) he's perfectly open about "I hate this guy I used to own and I want to kill him" (about Ed) in contrast to Act 1 Ed not being able to say anything of the sort about Stede or Izzy.

We already know what kind of evil shit Hornigold used to pull because mostly-dead Ed told us in 2x03, so, you know, good enough.

Ed has to kill himself and also his dad again, lol, we get it

Climactic stuff on the Revenge!

Hornigold catches up to them; there's some fighting or whatever; it leads us up to the cold open. But then it pushes through to: it was all a fuckery!!

(do not ASK me what kind of fuckery. they are hard to write, they are both deeply psychological and incredibly goofy. This is just an outline of a fake season LEAVE ME ALONE)

Ed was a distraction, acting how Hornigold expected him to act! It works: Stede kills Hornigold!

The OTP: The murder addresses how each wants to deal with violence in their respective genres:

Ed, when he did patricide on behalf of someone he loved (mum) got caught up the cycle of dreadful murder and trauma he wanted to escape. And now he sees that he can – he's not the doomed Romantic villain!

Stede, in doing step-patricide on behalf of someone he loves (Ed), commits in a real way to ruthlessly murdering bullies. He's a swashbuckler! He definitely likes it! Finally, he's found a way to express romantic love in a grounded* way. (*by OFMD standards.)

It's a deranged pirate sitcom way of turning their tentative courtship into a healthy adult relationship.

Ed + Izzy:

During the fuckery: Izzy is playing murdered-by-Ed, so he's "dead" on deck (vulnerable) amidst the chaos.

Ed throws himself over Izzy to save him from getting shot.

This doesn't erase all the shitty things Ed did! It's a big gesture instead of an everyday thing, just like Izzy was complaining about! But it's definitely an indicator that Ed would prefer not to drive Izzy to suicide and Ed does, even, ask if Izzy's okay afterwards, checking him over, before someone else points out that Ed got shot.

Lastly:

With final approval from Izzy – after a lengthy pause where Izzy looks at Edward panting and bleeding on the deck – the Crew decide to journey forth to find Super Good Medicine to save Ed.

THERE ARE HINTS THAT s3 MIGHT SHOW US:

Blackbeard's historic raid on Charleston (who is playing Blackbeard at that point? who knows!)

Ed and Izzy working on being weird-ass friends again, but without so much murder-suicide

Stede and Ed finally talking about how they want to spend their life together: what's between retirement and piracy?

This is all pretty okay because new s2 ends in a hopeful place where nobody FUCKING DIED jfc where everyone's grown a bit but, as always, still has room to grow more.

the end!