#before taking meds i used to think of my thoughts as loops

[idkimnotreal]

i think it is a product of my autistic brain that i never really “know” things, that is, i never feel that a thought i have is right, i’m never really sure about stuff; what i would describe my thoughts as instead (or my process of arriving at a conclusion or decision, which is what most thoughts are about) is having a map of information laid out and being able to access all the pieces of information about something whenever i think about it (every thought i think about has several other thoughts connected to it, it’s about perspective, if i focus on one of those other thoughts then it will have other thoughts connected to it too), but it never becomes more than that - a map of displayed information. 

it’s not that i can’t connect the dots (or thoughts, or pieces of information), but there are so many dots that i can’t ever connect all of them at once, and once i’m done connecting two dots, some other connection is already undone, left behind, and i can’t make out the entire picture. medication (stimulants) helps with this, but then i’m always afraid it makes me have so much tunnel vision that i am finally able to connect all the dots available to me at the time, but i’ll miss out on dots i might otherwise know of when my brain is unmedicated (what i would describe as unmedicated “horizontal thinking” vs. medicated “vertical thinking”). in other words, it makes me able to conclude/decide, but leaves my thinking “incomplete”, which is why i prioritize thinking some things in advance before taking my meds, and think about other stuff while on it as it suits me.

[captain-mj]

Angels Of Digitalism

Part 1 Part 2

Soap sat on the couch for a bit, continuing to draw. Simon looked over his shoulder as he worked. 

He watched Johnny continue to draw. The little lines and different shades of grey. It didn’t really make sense to him until Johnny zoomed out to show everything. Simon followed each intricate detail, finding it all hypnotizing. 

Johnny was so focused, he had his tongue between his teeth as he worked. It was cute. Simon glanced at Alejandro who was still deep in his phone.

Ghost decided to ask a question. “Have you ever heard of Sacred Geometry? Your work reminds me of it.”                                    

“No.” Johnny answered as he continued to draw.

There was a moment of silence. Ghost was more than content to just let it be. 

Johnny stopped what he was doing to look up, all of his attention suddenly on Ghost. “Are you going to tell me about it?”

Ghost paused, not expecting the artist they were paying to care about that. “Do you want me to?”

“Yeah. Sounds cool.” Johnny smiled at him and clearly waited for him to go on. 

Simon nodded. “Sacred geometry is the study of the spiritual meaning in shapes. You know the fibonacci sequence right?”

“Yeah, in one of my art classes, we talked about it. If you use it while making trees and spirals, it makes them look more natural. One of the golden rations I believe.”

Simon grinned and Johnny smiled back. For a moment, Ghost wondered if he forgot to put his mask on, before realizing Johnny was just looking at his eyes. “Yeah. Exactly. Most of the time it’s just dozens of interlocking circles and spheres to make patterns but the other shapes are included sometimes. Cells make those patterns, atoms make those patterns, the solar system, the galaxy potentially our universe. All just boiling down into patterns that we can decipher and find the meaning of it all somehow. Circles mean the never ending loop, I believe something to do with reincarnation. The numbers that go into making them.”

“You think we can find the meaning?” Johnny asked him, looking at him with a strange amount of surety. Like Simon might actually know something. 

Simon laughed a little and immediately wanted to take it back when Johnny looked embarrassed. ‘I don’t know. Don’t think there is much of a meaning to anything. I think we’re just here and then we’ll die.”

“How nihilistic.” Alejandro gave him a glare over Johnny’s head. A very clear ‘we’ve talked about this and have you talked to your therapist recently and are you taking your happy meds’ glare that made Simon roll his eyes at him. 

“But if you find meaning in it, that’s up to you. Your work just reminds me of it.”

Johnny thought about it before laughing. “I think I know why! I used religious art as a reference fur some things. Especially angels, ye ken, cause o` yer name.” 

Alejandro and Ghost made eye contact over his name again. Yeah, Soap was not subtle about being scottish, but his accent thickened so suddenly Ghost couldn’t really understand it. He did find he kinda liked it though. 

“English, Soap.” Ghost decided to try. 

Johnny slowly looked at him before hissing. “Awa' 'n' bile yer heid, ye british bas.” 

Ghost blinked. “Yeah, that didn’t help. I understood that even less somehow.” 

Johnny grumbled and went back to drawing. Ghost sipped his drink and decided maybe it was time to bow out. The harnesses were done. The rigging all done. Roach would hopefully be finishing up soon. 

Johnny leaned into him, just a little. It was so he could get a better angle with what he was working on, but they were pressed close together.

Simon swallowed and waited for the usual panic that came from being unexpectedly touched so much, but nothing came. 

Maybe therapy was working. 

Alex and Roach stepped out of the room, both looking tired. “Alejandro, thank you so much for coming and helping.”

Soap glanced at Alejandro, really confused as all he saw him do was sit on the couch and type, but alright. 

“No problem guys. I’ll come every day this week.” Alejandro stood up and he and Alex fistbumped and Alejandro squeezed Roach’s shoulder as he passed. “Oh, Simon?”

Ghost looked up.

“Continue being cute for me yeah?” He winked and Ghost blew him a kiss. 

“Disgusting.” Rodolfo deadpanned. “Get a room.”

Alejandro spoke in Spanish to him and Rodolfo just shook his head. 

“I forgot to get you yesterday Soap so I thought I should make sure you come with us this time.”

The lights went out through out the building.

“Why did they put them on timers? Doesn’t even make fucking sense.” Alex turned his phone on as he spoke, illuminating them all. Slowly, everyone else got their phones out and turned them on. “Didn’t realize how late it got.” 

Soap hummed. “I thought you guys just turned them off yesterday…”

“We wouldn’t leave you in here. On purpose.” Rodolfo promised. “It’s why we sent Roach in.”

“Wait, where did Roach go?” Ghost stood up and looked around. He didn’t have his light on, but it wasn’t really necessary with so many lights already. 

Roach gently brushed his hand and Ghost tensed for a moment, before calming when he saw it was just Roach. “There you are. Don’t wander off in the dark.” He grabbed his hand. 

Rodolfo rubbed his temples. “Alright, let’s try to find the exit.” 

They all fumbled around in the dark for a while. Soap awkwardly bumped into more people than he ever wanted to. He found the door though and everyone escaped the dark venue. 

Ghost put on his helmet but perched on his motorcycle for a few minutes. Soap didn’t know why, but he waited with him.

Rodolfo did a quick head count of everyone before nodding. “Alright, everyone’s good to go home. Alex, remember, thirty minutes between edibles.”

“No.”

“Kill yourself then. Roach, please be careful in that car. It looks evil.”

Roach saluted him. 

“Ghost, remember to take your meds.” 

Ghost visibly shrank and crossed his arms. “Yeah, I fucking will.”

“Soap. Keep up the good work.”

“Wait, does Alejandro not get berated for something?? And why does Soap just get a keep up the good work?” Alex immediately complained. 

Rodolfo shrugged. “Soap is my favorite coworker and Alejandro is a guest.”

Alejandro gasped. “Mi sol, a guest?? I am a guest??”

“Yes. You’re a guest star. But still a guest. You’re not on a contract right now.”

“Wow, are we not friends?” Ghost scoffed.

“We are friends. It’s how I knew you weren’t going to take your meds, Roach was going to speed, and Alex was going to get high. I don’t know what Soap does when he’s not here!”

Soap hummed. “Mostly just take online college classes and commissions.”

“Boring. I can’t say anything about that. Oh, make sure you get grades??” Rodolfo scoffed and motioned towards Soap. “Get a better haircut??”

“I like his mohawk.” Roach used an app on his phone so it sounded like the vocaloid he used. Soap thought that was pretty neat. “Plus, more importantly, I was not going to speed.”

“We have the Life360 app. Your top speed coming in was 95 miles. Ghost is a safer driver than you. And he doesn’t even have a license.”

“You don’t have a license?” Soap turned to him. 

Ghost threw his leg over his motorcycle so he could get on properly. “Goodnight. I totally have a license.”

“Let’s see it then.”

“It has my face.”

“You can cover it up!” 

Ghost revved his engine. “No.” He two finger saluted everyone and left quickly. 

Roach watched him go with this… almost soft look in his eyes. He looked at Soap and held out a piece of gum. 

Soap took it and popped it in his mouth, making Roach grin. “So, have any plans tonight?”

Roach texted him instead of using the voice app. “Not really. You?”

“Go home and relax I suppose.”

“Want to come back to my place?”

[panfluidme]

Could you please write something with Martin being hurt (potentially fatal) and Chris trying his best to save him or at least keep him alive long enough to get proper help (please no death I just finished reading all your wild kratts fics and I can't deal with another Martin death)

Sorry that it's taken me so long to get this out. My brain is just like "f u" recently, and writing has not been wanting to work with me. Then I've also been doing high school graduation, so that's fun

ALMOST GONE

Martin was out like a light, Chris' own brain was a little fuzzy as he tried to remember what happened.

The last thing he had recalled was the two jumping around in the trees. They had been following a group of monkeys, so...

So how did they end up down here? Had they fallen or something?

But both of them at the same time? Normally one person would fall, but very rarely would both of them fall. At the same time and right next to each other.

Chris was snapped out of his thoughts when Martin groaned quietly. He shook his head and went to check on him. He could see some blood coming from the top of Martin's head, which wasn't exactly reassuring.

"Hey, Martin, can you look at me?"

Martin opened his eyes, wincing a little. "It's bright," he mumbled.

"I know, I know." Chris wiped some of the blood off Martin's face. "Do you remember who I am?"

"You're Chris, my little brother." Martin leaned back, finding it hard to keep his head up.

Chris gently kept his hand on Martin's shoulder, frowning a little. "Stay awake, okay? I know you can. I'm going to get us somewhere the Tortuga can easily find us then call Aviva, okay?"

Martin furrowed his eyebrows together. "Aviva?"

"Yes, do you remember who she is?"

The blond had to pause to think before he shook his head. Chris frowned more as he gently tried to pick Martin up. With how much taller Martin was than Chris, and the fact that Chris didn't have as much muscle strength as Chris, Chris struggled a lot. In the end, he put Martin back onto the ground, leaning against a tall tree.

The brunet grabbed his creature pod and called Aviva, hoping that she would be able to help. However, his creature pod died right before she could answer. Odd, he normally was much better at charging it, but it wasn't the first time that he's needed it and it was dead.

He grabbed Martin's, but it was smashed up. This wasn't ideal at all, Chris needed to call Aviva so he could get Martin help.

Okay, so what was the best way to go about this? Martin was hurt, likely having some brain damage since he didn't remember who Aviva was. He couldn't call the Tortuga with either of their creature pods, him calling then 'hanging' up probably freaked everyone else out.

Chris paced a little, ignoring the slight pain in his ankle. It was up to him to get Martin and himself to safety. Logically, Chris knew he might also have a concussion, but it was much smaller than Martin's. Logically, Chris knew he and Martin had other injuries, but that was pushed to the back of his mind.

He hummed to himself as he thought. Nodding to himself, Chris looped his arms under Martin's armpits and started to drag him. He was careful, walking backwards. He looked over his shoulder a lot to make sure he wouldn't trip.

Martin groaned softly, Chris quietly reassuring him and telling him to stay awake. The older tried to do so, his head spinning and stomach churning.

Slowly, but surely, Chris made his way to the Tortuga. It took him hours to do so, partly because he had to stop and rest and take care of Martin, and walking backwards in a forest was a slow process anyway.

"Aviva!" Chris shouted. Martin groaned at the loud noise, but Chris had to ignore him.

The woman in question ran over and helped Chris bring Martin to the med bay. Relief washed over Chris while he watched her take care of Martin, quietly answering Koki's questions while she took care of his injuries.

Everything was going to be okay, and Chris was happy with that.

[sp-ud]

Genloss is a tragedy. No not the actual content, but how hard it fucking fell off.

Now, I know there are still people who enjoy it, even enjoy the new things and are excited with each new release of the founders game chapters.

And if you are one of those people, good for you. Genuinely, good for you. Don't let me being a hater ruin your own enjoyment. So I'd recommend maybe not reading this post cuz im not gonna be sympathetic to genloss or ranboo. If you couldn't guess by my opening sentence.

Anyways, I don't know it's just. Sad. To see something that had so much potential just fall flat so quickly. In retrospect as soon as the founders cut took more than 3 months it should have been obvious the whole project was kinda fucked.

And tbh I do not care about any thing like "ranboos just one guy", "it's their first project", "their adhd medication wasn't being properly supplied" etc etc. Like 1) ranboo literally isn't the only guy credited as editing the founders cut in the version that did end up releasing. 2) okay, same with like. 99% of other indie horror things. And those guys usually don't start out with enough money to rent out malls and buy expensive props that can only be used for one thing. 3) we loop back to the team thing. I'm someone who genuinely can barely function on days I don't take my adhd meds btw

Back on topic instead of countering arguments I've seen before but haven't actually been brought up to me.

It's just, there's this lack of cohesion and planning in what we've gotten since TSE that is just. So strange. I would say it comes from ranboos perfectionism but everything that keeps coming out is half-baked shit that sure seems unfinished.

Like, the founders cut was so fucking unpolished which is insane for something that took over a year. And we can't try to make it an in-universe thing, be for fucking real. Ranboo wasn't thinking like that.

And ngl when ranboo was reacting to that fnaf timeline video and like, praised "community storytelling" (aka when u throw a bunch of shit out, seen fans theorizing and go "oh wait ahit that's smart, yeah that's what I meant haha") it just. Made me feel so defeated cuz that kind of storytelling isn't fucking good.

It works well enough for fnaf but that's cuz it's fnaf. Look at how little attention generation loss gets outside of its initial and constantly shrinking bubble.

Admittedly it was gonna always be hard to follow tse, those kinds of productions are pricy. No shit. But the next steps being:

1: Twitter acc that kept going on hiatus because ranboo hadn't even fully planned it out before ranboo just decided to scrap the Twitter acc and just vaguely promise zero will return somewhere else

2: a slapped together cut of tse that completely fails at being a quicker introduction to the series compared to watching the original streams that clearly doesn't understand any of the elements that made tse charming and enjoyable even if cringeworthy at times

3: a second person pov book disguised as a choose your own adventure where not a single choice has actually mattered, not even the ones that were voted on and had to wait a whole week to find out what happened next.

Is just kinda insane to me. Like idk how u fumbled it that hard.

Yall remember how ranboo gave us a generation 2 Spotify playlist? Oh or what about "generation 0: the story of lostfield" which they showed off the title card for at twitchcon and vidcon? Where the fuck is any news even about those. I'd at least like some clarification about if the founders game is tied to literally either of those.

Getting off track here but tbh this is just me collecting all my annoyed/frustrated generation loss thoughts into one post.

But it's just like. Idk it's just weird that it took over a year after Tse for ranboo to get enough of a team to keep them on track and producing things consistently. And then for that thing to be. Literally none of the things we were expecting.

And now that we're 7 weeks in, technically 8 if we're counting the skipped week. 9 if we include the week we waited for after inputting the password. I'm just tired man. I'm tired of waiting for genloss to be good. Of trying to trust the process.

"Letting ranboo cook" only for Tse to finally be what we got did work, but it just. Really doesn't feel like ranboo gets why tse worked for so many people. And no, it wasn't just the inclusion of other popular ccs although that did certainly help if we r being blunt.

Tse had a story that left you guessing what was intentional and what wasn't. Only for the final reveal to be that it all was intentional, it was us the audience that was being experimented on, being tested. And that was cool as shit!

But, nothing has been able to get even close to that yet. This newest chapter of tfg's did briefly give me an "oh shit" moment at the start. But then the chapter just. Went no where. It was empty. And now we have to wait another week for the payoff. Another week on top of 7/8/9 weeks.

And listen, I get good stuff takes time. I get that many other indie horror things go months without updating. But like. There's just nothing aside from a small sense of obligation and vague interest to see if it's finally interesting or if I'll just have something to complain about with my friends that keeps me coming back.

It's not engaging, it's not something I'm really all that invested in. I keep fucking forgetting every week that a new chapter is coming out cuz there's just nothing to be excited for.

Im not even excited that we will be talking to the founder or whatever in the next chapter which is crazy cuz I feel like I used to be pretty invested in the founder specifically. Like I was the guy who constantly brought up the merch site's about page that was a message from the founder when no one else did.

Anyways that kinda wraps up my frustrated thoughts on genloss at this current point in time. Sorry it might be hard to follow.

Also, if ur someone who genuinely has still been enjoying genloss and/or the founders game who actually did read through all of this, I'd be genuinely interested in hearing ur opinions. I mean, you read through all of mine so its only fair. And also I just. Genuinely want to know what other people r finding fun abt the recent things as pretty much everyone in my direct sphere has roughly the same opinions as me.

[crimsonwolf715]

Alone No More

(Part 2 of MCU Spiderman Stories)

It’s been about a year since Tony Stark died saving the lives of everyone on the planet. It’s been over three months since the world forgot about Peter Parker. Over three months without the people Peter loves in his life. With his knowledge, fake papers, and a G.E.D., Peter managed to get a job. Poor pay that’s barely enough to live on, but he’s managed. Two weeks until the anniversary of Tony’s death. Peter can work remotely, so he hitched a ride with a co-worker to a town a couple hours away from where the compound used to be. 

Not even three whole days into the drip, Peter gets sick. He curses his bad luck and goes out to get medicine. He walks to the convenience store and grabs two different kinds of meds, just in case one of them doesn’t work. 

“Just these?” the girl at the register asks. 

“Just those,” Peter confirms. 

She gives him the total and he pays. He walks back to the motel. After taking a dose, he gets back to work. He needs to work enough to take the anniversary and the day after off. After working with the ever growing headache for several hours, he decides that he needs some rest. He has trouble falling asleep, but ends up passing out after an hour. 

Peter wakes up to his phone ringing, his ringtone making his head pound. 

He grabs it and answers. “Parker, do you have the presentation for the meeting?” Peter’s boss asks. 

“It’s in your inbox, I sent it last night before I clocked out.” 

“It’s not there, I looked.” 

Peter sighs and sits up. He grabs his laptop and pulls up his email. He checks and notices that he did send one last night, but sighs and resends the email. 

“Can you reload your email and check and see if you got it?” 

The time passes by almost in slow motion for Peter, who feels like someone’s gently beating on his head with a book. 

“I got it. Thanks, Parker.” 

“You’re welcome. Do you need anything else, sir?” Peter asks. 

“Nope, that’ll be it.” 

His boss hangs up, so Peter returns to trying to gather the motivation to start working. He takes more meds and then decides that he might as well start now since he’s awake and his laptop is open next to him. Another day of taking medicine and it doesn’t work, he moves on to the next med. 

His symptoms steadily get worse and the second medicine doesn’t help either. So Peter drags himself out of his motel room and walks to the convenience store. He grabs three more different kinds of meds. He goes up to the front and puts them down. 

The same person that was running the register before is there again. She scans the items while watching the TV. Peter turns his attention to the TV. They’re discussing how he saved a political figure four weeks ago. He saved a car from getting in an accident, but he didn’t know who was in the car. Just that it was about to cause a huge problem. 

“Spiderman saves a political figure. Recap of the story next,” the newscaster says. 

Megan clicks her tongue. 

“Don’t like Spiderman?” Peter asks. 

“That’s not it,” she answers. 

“What is it then?” 

“That political figure is trying to get Spiderman some award and to get him in his pocket.” 

“Oh. I’ve been out of the loop with work and stuff.” 

“Yeah. My thoughts on Spiderman are mixed.” 

“What does that mean?” 

“It means that I think he’s doing good work, but he seems lonely. He doesn’t interact with any of the other heroes and he doesn’t seem to interact with civilians much outside of making sure that people are alright after incidents.” 

Peter sighs, the pressure in his face making the action slightly painful. “He does, doesn’t he?” 

“Yeah, he does. Are these gonna be it?” 

Peter nods. She gives him the total and he pays. 

“I hope you feel better,” Megan says. 

“Thanks,” Peter replies, then walks back to the motel. 

The next days are even worse. Constantly feeling like he’s on the edge of becoming too sick to function but he’s forcing himself to keep on track. To keep going so he doesn’t lose hope that he’ll get better. 

Peter wakes up feeling like he’s dying. His body feels like it’s so warm that he could burn away, his head feels like someone’s pounding on it with a blunt object, and his throat is so sore that it hurts to swallow. 

The medicine hasn’t been helping. If it’s doing anything, it’s making it worse. I’m not gonna get better. 

Peter sighs, even though the action is painful. He tries to grab his phone to call someone, anyone for help. He can’t seem to move his arms, no matter how hard he tries. 

I’m so sorry guys. I thought I could find something to bring your memories back. I’ve been trying to get in touch with Dr. Strange and fix this. I’m sorry I couldn’t say goodbye because you don’t deserve that. I’m sorry Mr. Stark because I wasn’t able to hold your legacy the way that I said I would. I wanted to stay in touch with Morgan and Mrs. Potts, I really did. I’m so sorry. I don’t wanna die here. I wanna live… I wanna see them again. All of them. 

Peter closes his eyes and tries to go to sleep. So hopefully he doesn’t have to be awake if his life does come to an end. 

Happy settles down on the couch of his apartment. He’s heading down to visit Morgan and Pepper at the end of the week, so he doesn’t have to be alone on the anniversary of Tony’s death. He closes his eyes and starts to doze off when he hears something knock over in his kitchen. He gets up and walks in there, and Wanda’s standing in the middle of his kitchen. 

“Wanda?” Happy asks. 

“I don’t have a lot of time, so this is what I’ve got to say. Strange has made everyone that can’t protect their mind forget who Peter Parker is, but he’s in trouble and I can’t get involved. I’m not strong enough yet, but I can give you this,” Wanda says. 

She holds out a stone and Happy takes it. Memories flood into his brain, memories of him and Peter. 

“You said that he’s in trouble, right? Where is he?” Happy asks.

Wanda puts a piece of paper on the table, then shimmers out of view. Happy grabs the piece of paper and an address is written on it. He grabs his keys and jacket, then rushes out of his apartment. Once he gets into the car, he turns the AI system on. 

“Edith, please make believable guardianship papers.” 

“Right away, sir.” 

The drive is an excruciating five hours and when he gets there, it’s a dingy motel somewhat close to where the compound used to be. 

“Is this the right address?” Happy asks. 

“Yes, it is,” Edith answers. “Also I checked the database and there’s nobody under the name Peter Parker. There is a Ben Parker, but no Peter anywhere in the system in the last two months.” 

“Ben was his uncle, so that’s probably the name he’s going under. Thank you, Edith.” “

You’re welcome, sir. Those papers are ready in the trunk for you.” 

Happy gets out of the car and heads over to the trunk. He grabs the papers out and they look real, which is hopefully enough for the person at the front desk of this motel. He walks in and there’s an old man at the desk. 

“Hi, I’m looking for a Parker here. Is he still checked in?” Happy asks. 

“Are you the police?” the man asks. 

“No, I’m his guardian,” Happy says, pulling out the paperwork and handing it to the man. 

The man looks it over for several minutes, then hands it back to Happy. “His ID said he was twenty-three.” 

“He ran away, and his aunt gave me the tip that he was up here.” 

The man hands Happy a keycard. “He’s in Room 26, right down that hall on the first floor.” 

Happy takes the keycard. “Thank you for your help.” 

“No, thank you,” the man replies. “I haven’t seen the kid in days after he looked pretty sick. If I hadn’t seen him before tomorrow, I would have gone to check on him. You’re saving me the trouble.” 

Happy goes down the hall and knocks on the door. No answer, so he uses the card to open the door. He sees Peter on the bed, not moving. He rushes over and barely shakes Peter before Peter opens his eyes. 

“Happy?” Peter asks. 

“Hey, buddy,” Happy says. “Don’t worry, I’ve gotcha. You’re gonna be just fine, I promise.” 

“But you don’t remember who I am. Am I dreaming?” 

“No, you’re not dreaming, kid. I’m here and you’re gonna be okay.” 

“Okay, I’m gonna be fine. I’m gonna be fine. Thank you, Happy.” Peter grabs Happy’s jacket, tears pouring down his face. “Thank you, Happy. I missed you so much.” 

“Hey, I missed you too, kid. I’m so sorry I forgot. I’m sorry.” 

“It’s not your fault. I’m the one that agreed to that, I knew the risk and I took it anyway. I just… I’ve been alone. I thought I was gonna die alone.” 

Happy starts crying and he grabs Peter’s hand. “You’re not dying on my watch, kid. I’m gonna get you to Pepper and everything’s gonna be alright. You’re not gonna die.” 

Peter nods. “Okay. I believe you.” 

Happy helps Peter up and mostly carries him out to the car. After getting Peter settled in the back, Happy drives up to the cabin where Pepper and Morgan live. 

Peter wakes up to the sound of familiar laughter. He feels feverish, but he doesn’t feel like he’s going to burn up anymore. He hears the laugh again and realizes that it sounds like Morgan. Peter feels his chest tighten and tears spring up in his eyes. 

I’m hallucinating. I must be worse off than I feel.  

He opens his eyes and doesn’t immediately recognize where he is. He sits up quickly and his vision swims. He tilts sideways and he feels someone catch him from falling. No spider sense, so no danger. Once his vision stops swimming, he sees that Pepper Potts is the person that caught him. 

“Mrs. Potts?” Peter asks. 

“Hi, Peter,” she says softly. “Just lie back down and everything is gonna be fine.” 

“How…? How do you remember me?” 

“I don’t really, Peter. It’s complicated and I will explain it when you’re feeling better.” 

“I’m feeling fine,” Peter says, his words slurring slightly. 

“Mmhmm,” Pepper hums, gently pushing Peter back down onto the bed. 

“Mrs. Potts?” 

“Yes, Peter?” 

“I’m really sorry. I’m the reason that you don’t remember me and I wasn’t able to keep my promise to Morgan. I’m really sorry.” 

“It’s okay, Peter. You saved the world. That’s all that’s important in that regard. We can figure out the rest later.” 

Peter nods, trying to force the tears away. Pepper stays there, holding Peter’s hand until he falls asleep.

[robotstrategy]

Recalled • Part 6 • 45 - Nero

Previous • Series Masterlist • Part 6 Masterlist • Next

TW: Blood

Nero lurks in the corner of a two-story car park, coated in shadow. She’s got a pepper sprayer in the satchel that hangs around her, she’s not sure why Roland wanted to meet here. She hears flats tapping as Roland makes his way around the corner.

“Well, this is creepier than when Trevor asked me about a parting gift.” She laughs awkwardly.

Roland stops momentarily before finishing his way over to her.

“Oh, sorry that’s probably a touchy subject.”

“Just stop talking.”

“Sorry.”

Roland takes a breath, “Friday I told you that I knew a bad way to let out misery,” He pauses. “I need to tell you what I did.” 

Nero looks around nervously, “Is it bad?”

“Very bad,” He takes another breath, then pauses, he actually paces around a little before continuing. “I, I, one time I pinned a girl set for unwinding to a bathroom wall, and I told her that I’d make sure she’d be unwind-proof for nine months. What’s even worse is that when her boyfriend came in and I told him she had wandering eyes for me, she didn’t, obviously.” He sniffs.

Nero is pissed, absolutely grossed out, but there’s something weird about what he said. “Hold up, if she was set for unwinding, weren’t you set for unwinding?”

“Yes, and?”

Nero becomes less uncomfortable. “Well then that doesn’t matter anymore, your actions before your unwinding have been made null because you’re Modified. I can’t do anything about it, you just have to deal with the burden of those memories.”

“Why aren’t you hurting me yet?” Roland mumbles.

“Pardon?”

“WHY AREN’T YOU HURTING ME YET!? I DESERVE TO BE PUNISHED NERO!” He yells.

Nero is worried and confused. “But it’s not your fault, you need to start thinking about your pre-unwind memories in the third person.”

“Well if you won’t hurt me because of that, then, I also kissed my ex without her permission, does that make you feel anything?”

Nero starts to be annoyed by this nonsense. “Did you do that, or did Roland Taggart?”

“What answer will make you beat the shit out of me?”

Nero turns away from Roland, pressing her index and thumb to her nose bridge. “Roland, I’m not giving you a beating for something you yourself didn’t do.”

Nero hears someone running behind her, she panics pulling her satchel off of herself and wiping it out by the loop as she turns back around. Nero watches in horror as the satchel connects with Roland’s face, it sends him flying against the concrete wall and to the floor of the car park. 

“ROLAND!” Nero screams as she sees blood appear on the concrete from underneath his face. She lifts up his bloodied and bruised body from the concrete. “Now we’re talking,” Roland says shakily, “But, that didn't hurt enough.” 

Nero hastily grabs serviettes and hand sanitizer from her satchel, trying not to punch Roland’s already caked-in-blood face for such a stupid comment. “Oh I think it did, your meds are just still working their magic.”

Nero blots away at his face, neck, and shoulders, it’s not as bad as she thought, but his chin will definitely need stitches. She sees Roland’s eyes widen at the amount of tissues she’s used up. “Don’t worry that’s most of it, now are you done being an idiot?”

Roland nods, Nero places a bandaid on Roland’s chin until she can get it stitched up. “Why did you even want to do this in the first place?”

“Risa.”

“Risa?”

“The girl in the bathroom, she was in my dreams last night, she asked me to get someone to beat me up.”

Nero shakes her head. “Dear lord Roland, your dreams are in your subconscious, Risa didn’t ask you to do jack-shit.”

“I know! But no one ever got justice, so why can’t I give them justice now!?”

“Because Roland Taggart already got karma through his unwinding, now stop feeling sorry for yourself!” She pauses. “You need to let it go, you probably just ruined your weekend because of this.”

Roland finally breaks down, crying into Nero’s shoulder. “It was already ruined.” He cries.

Nero furrows her eyebrows, something’s off, and she suddenly gets very angry. “You and Trevor didn’t break it off like you texted me, did you?”

“He didn’t listen to me, and I was his side piece, he already had a girlfriend.”

Nero sticks to the first thing, her voice turns ice cold. "What do you mean by that? He didn't listen to you?"

"He, he..."

“Did he touch you?”

Roland nods, Nero’s stomach sinks, and guilt practically radiates off of her. She should’ve told Trevor to “bug off” when he asked about a parting gift, and she should’ve never told Roland Trevor was checking him out.

“Nero!” Roland gasps. “Nero you’re choking me!”

Nero loosens her grip on him, “I’m sorry,” She looks into his tear-filled eyes. “Let’s just go have a girls' day, or… something, I don’t really know what a girls' day is.”

Roland emits a chuckle. “I think it’s either going to the mall or having a pamper session and talking shit, I don’t feel like doing the talking shit part though.”

Nero nods, “Let’s just relax at the apartment then, are you okay if I drop you off while I go pick stuff up?”

Roland agrees Nero helps him off the ground, and they start heading out of the car park.

Nero squats to be level with the bottom shelf at the variety store, currently trying to decide whether to get Roland lavender or eucalyptus Epsom salts. 

“Can I help you out with anything?”

Nero looks up at one of the store clerks looking down at her. 

“Just trying to decide which salt to get, do you have any suggestions?”

“I’d go with lavender, eucalyptus is too strong and only really good for plugged noses.” 

“Right, thank you.”

As the store clerk leaves Nero puts the lavender salts and unscented bubble bath into her basket. She looks around to see if she can find face masks when something catches her eye, hair dye. When the nurses had originally shown Sam and Nero the videos of Starkey both of them were horrified. Somehow though, the only thing that stuck with Nero was how well his red curly hair went with his face. Nero looks through the dyes to see if she can find anything similar. Throughout this time Starkey’s hair has been slowly growing back brown and curly under the bleach-blonde cut. Nero does find a similar dye, but she puts it back on the shelf, if she’s going to dye her hair like his then she might as well get it professionally permed at the same time. 

Nero ends up finding face masks on an end shelf next to where she was first looking. Near the checkout, Nero grabs more protein bars and a rubber duck for Roland as a joke. 

Nero gets back to the Apartment, hiding the duck as a surprise. She goes over to Roland’s room, knocking before entering. Nero sighs and goes over to the giant, sobbing lump in the bed, she starts petting it. “What’s wrong this time?” She asks.

“I saw myself in the mirror, I look like a monster!” He cries.

Nero rolls her eyes, smiling to herself. “Oh Roland, c’mon bud, I got you some Epsom salts and bubble bath, why don’t you go relax?”

Roland peeks out from under the covers. “Will you cover the mirror for me?” 

“Of course.” Nero leaves the room as Roland slowly crawls out of bed.

Once Roland is properly in the tub Nero comes in to drop in the rubber duck. “You’re in a city of bubbles and yet you still look mad, you bruting over there?”

Roland shakes his head. “No, I just sometimes look mad when I’m calm.”

Nero giggles. “Oh,” She reveals the rubber duck, placing it in the water. “I got you a little friend.”

The duck floats off towards Roland’s face, tapping it. “It keeps bumping into me.” He states.

Nero smirks, “Yeah, it’s giving you little ducky kisses, ‘cause it loves you.” 

Roland smiles for once. “I love you too ducky.” He even giggles. 

Nero touches her head. “Your hair is growing out.”

He nods. “I’m not opposed to it, but I might keep the sides shaved and blow it out.”

Nero nods back, she then gets serious. “If it’s not too much to ask of you right now, I’d like you to tell me your story of before you got unwound. There’s a catch though.”

“What’s that?” 

“I want you to tell me it in the third person.”

…

“He, I, Roland didn’t make it on the varsity boxing team, so he challenged one of the members, that member was dating Roland’s ex. And to piss that member off Roland kissed his ex.”

“I see.” 

…

“To get Connor’s attention Roland went and sexually harassed Risa, I remember hearing that Roland wasn’t going to do anything, but I only have memories of what happened. I don’t know if he meant to do anything or nothing.”

“Okay…”

…

“Roland was being such an asshole that Connor thought he killed the goldens so he trapped Roland in a metal shipping crate to interrogate him.”

“So that’s why you freaked out the first day I met you.”

“Yeah.”

…

“Roland had had enough of Connor so he outed Connor, and Risa by proxy to the Juvies, all three of them got caught.”

“How’d you get near Juvies?”

“With the Chopper, we were at a hospital because the Admiral had a stroke. Roland never liked the Admiral, he was forced to take him.”

“Ah.”

…

“At the Chop Shop, Roland tried strangling Connor, but he was too scared to end him.”

“Mhmm.”

“And then Roland got unwound.” Roland looks up at Nero.

She shrugs. “Well, now I’ve got a better idea of him. And hey, I don’t think you even noticed, but I made you do a mental exercise.”

“How?”

“You spoke about Roland in the third person, not as yourself, by doing that you can disassociate from him, like you should’ve been doing this whole time.”

“Oh.” 

Nero looks around, most of the bubbles are gone, Nero panics and gets up. “Kaaaaaaayyyyyy, I’m going to get out of here before I see something I don’t want to, are you okay with Chinese takeout tonight?”

Roland shoves his hands between his legs, embarrassed. “Yup, that sounds good.”

Nero gets out of the bathroom, across the room from the door is the table that the bouquet sits on. It brings violent imagery into Nero’s head, of all the ways she could harm and screw over Trevor. She pulls out one of the forget-me-nots, pressing her thumb under the head of the flower she pops it off. 

Nero hears the bathroom door opening, she quickly puts the stem and flower into the nearest garbage.

“Sorry, it was getting cold in there.” Roland laughs, he looks across the room, he then averts his eyes from the vase, his lips pouting. Nero comes over to him, putting her hands on his shoulders. “Tomorrow I will bring him to justice, I promise you.”

Nero sits on the benches with Carter, she glares across the room at Trevor, pumping a weight in her hand. 

“Are you okay?” Carter asks.

“You told me once that you ate bullies for breakfast.”

“Yeah…”

“Well you let a bully get away, and now you’ve got to devour him whole for dinner.”

Justice comes in many ways, whether someone is rightfully convicted, whether the wealth is equally distributed, or possibly whether someone gets the correct treatment. Today, justice comes in fingers shoved so far up someone’s nose that it bleeds and multiple kicks in between the legs.

[aidoesntexist]

So I’ve been back on my bullshit, and honestly it’s been so easy this time???

Like my history is in HS I first developed ED tendencies, which got thrown for a loop when COVID hit (yes I’m old 😭, okay not like really ‘03 babyyyyy) (I would never say a full ED just because I don’t fit the diagnosis criteria)

But ever since I like would have the thought patterns but not really the behaviour to match? Like all the self loathing but no actions taken, besides like blips here and there, and constantly coming back to this little hellsite 🫶🏻

But in September I like moved countries (honestly like recommend if you can) and had stopped my birth control (whole other thing but essentially I switched to this brand summer 2023 and then proceeded to gain a bunch of weight over the course of the year) and so because of that suddenly I dropped weight, like 10 pounds (maybe more I wasn’t weighing regularly when I gained the weight but like at minimum, I went from at least 150 to 138)

Which should be great right? Wrong, now I look at pictures for the last year and see where I lost the weight and feel disgusted by those photos. So my brain thinks, obviously, you should keep going, imagine what you aren’t seeing right now. (Which so true and like I see parts of my body and think that’s so cubby, but imagine once I lose it and see just HOW cubby I really was, y’know?)

So now I’m on the restricting shit again. Which this time is so easy??? Like it’s never been this easy, combined with mental health meds that suppress my appetite to begin with, combined with being poorer than ever, and being too scared to cook because of my roommate, and like normal fatigue from school, it’s just so like easy??? (I’m also doing weekly limits instead of daily!)

But this also means the things I do eat are either super good for me (fruits, healthy yogurt etc.) or just things I love (ice cream, sweets, pasta etc.). Like it’s so nice??? And I barely have to exercise, like I want to start just because I know I won’t lose certain things if I don’t, and I also want a certain look (like ballet body) which requires toning. So once I do it’ll be even better ?

Anyway like I said I’m going for weekly limits, so I think every Friday, I’ll post about the week and shit, I’m obvi using MyFitnessPal like what else lol. So currently how I’m doing it is I’m taking my ideal daily limit multiplying that by 7 days, and using that as the weekly goal. So basically the aim is to stay under the daily goal, but allows the flexibility if I do like super well one day, I won’t feel bad going over another day! So that way it also creates way more variation and will hopefully reduce the risk of plateau I found I’d hit in the past when I did like a strict daily limit (tbf I’m also being way more reasonable with the goals for myself this time anyway)

Like in HS I was trying for under 500 a day, which isn’t sustainable long term, so this time I’m doing “1000 a day”, which is actually more like 7000 a week! Which means first I’m easing in way better (like this isn’t a huge jump from what I was doing before, it’s just being more conscious of what I consume and how often essentially, like “do I really want that sugary drink or what I be fine with water and eating some fruit?” Like that). Second it may mean I lose slower but like I said less likely to plateau and makes it easier to change things up if I do, so I could lower the limit or up my exercise if I did, and third once I get to an ideal weight it’s a diet I could maintain if I wanted to or I can probably adjust easier to the maintaince amount for that weight even if it’s still a low amount, like I could slowly work to the maintenance amount without regaining huge amounts (because when you do, you will gain when adjusting for maintenance so easier to surpass the weight you want and regain to it y’know, but you still might get slightly more and slowly drop back over time). Like say the maintenance for your ideal weight is like 1500 with regular fitness, if your only doing 500 a day you’d shock your system suddenly jumping to 1500 and would probably end up gaining lots of fat because your body is worried. But if you’re doing 1000 a day to 1500 that’s less of a shock and therefore less consequences to fix.

Like obvi not a professional, like literally never studied nutrition in my fucking life, this is purely based on stuff I’ve heard online, my own experiences in the past and from other people’s I read while lurking on ed tumblr so long. So I could do this and later realize it doesn’t work lmao, which too bad, I could’ve saved time or it’ll drive me further in later, which idc, I’m not allowed to be suicidal with this unfortunately but who knows that could change depending on how I do in school ☠️.

Like if you read this whole rant, like good for you?? Idk lmao, I think this is something people with just scroll past, like I post here like it’s the fucking void and no one will see or care.

- A.I xoxo

[currentfandomkick]

Ways to add angst: have Red Hood see some of his dead men and think Danny is using targeted hallucinations to run away.

Have Ace be one of Danny’s Ghost friends and haunt Batman’s dreams specifically thinking it would help him realize Ellie and Danny are experiments who are managing to have their own life. This is not how that works out and now Bruce is on team Super Soldier Serum.

Damian is Ellie’s rival and is aware Danny was a teen parent. He’s also vaguely aware of Ellie’s hatred for her other parent (Vlad) and assumes Danny’s a transman (in canon his human design has wide hips while ghost has narrow being Damian main evidence) . Dealer’s choice on if that is true or not. What Damian does know is Ellie and her Dad had been experimented on at some point, as Ellie mentioned her other brothers were killed because of her asshole Father (she loved them, and is not forgetting them.) bonus of Damian having seen her take ED before as ‘if i don’t, i could die. My dad found this keeps me from dying, so like, meta diabetes with a side effect of melting instead of comas.”

Damian is fully aware Ellie needs that medicine, and thinks Danny is going to switch it out with this super soldier serum (for other metas) in an attempt to perfect it and profit while taking care of Ellie.

Tim and Oracle find out about Amity Black Out Park and are convinced Danny and Ellie are escaped experiments intent in revenge. Tim thinks Danny is building an army to destroy their previous tormentors, and is all for it. Oracle doesnt trust them not to have intense collateral damage and to not endanger a large number of civilians.

Bonus of Amity Park being in a literal war with GIW and Fentons at the time led by Red Huntress, Tucker and Sam as well as all under 30 residents as active combatants.

Tim goes to check it out and sees an active warzone irl. He does confirm to red hood/Jason the super soldier serum is possible given the active war zone coverup by the gov, but he’s not sure since he’s seen similar injections used on these glowing metas to heal them.

Jason is assuming Danny is bringing that war to gotham or working on making this resistance group more independent.

Bruce is convinced it has to be a super solider serum while Damian, kept put of the loop as no one connected Ellie his classmate to LabCoat, noted her worry as ‘look, the offical meds run out soon and Dad thinks he’s got it covered but… just don’t let then lie if i have a funeral, okay? I’m a menace by choice and will find a way to haunt you if you let them try the whole ‘god has another angel’ stuff.’

So Damian is watching his friend be in a ‘may die soon’ sitch and gets a sample of her meds to Tim. Tim has confirmation the ‘soldier serum’ is also medicine but can’t recreate it. Jason thinks Danny is part of a resistance (Danny doesnt even know its going on) and Bruce thinks Danny is using Ellie as an experiment.

Oracle is the only one doing reg gotham work while Nightwing is only brought up to Damian’s speed as “Grayson how do you comfort a friend who may die as she cannot get the treatment she needs?”

Lots of angst esp if Batman destroys the serum in an attempt to prevent another Ace incident (despite Ace’s warning) while Jason destroyed the notes by accident in a different bust (lab was by a drug dealer and explosions hit danny’s lab. Notes are aflame.)

Damian gets to lose it as they doomed his friend to dying. Ellie is just. Numb. Danny having a break down. Jason feels horrible as he was on the fence before while Batman realizes he basically killed a 12 yr old by destroying her meds because he thought they were a super-soldier serum (they are basically caffine shots for some, IV drip for some ghosts and for liminals its a like getting 100% oxygen for faster healing and more power activation for a few hours).

Damian and Tim work using Danny’s memory and the lab assistant (a ghost of probs scarecrow’s hench) to make a new batch for Ellie in a race against the clock while Danny is trying to spend more time with Ellie as it may be her last few days.

Misunderstandings really really suck

So heres the deal, it's a normal Vivisection AU where Danny had to run away to Gotham after his parents try to kill him, and let's say that he takes Ellie with him too.

They stay there for a few years and after a while they manage to establish a little life for themselves. Danny is running a small Shop that makes them enough money to live comfortably in the apartment right above his Shop, meanwhile Ellie is going to Gotham Metro Academy on a scholarship because she is really smart and they managed to fake some school records for her when they were making themselves new Identities.

(Side Note: Danny is now 26, while Ellie hasn't started aging yet and still looks 12, but she will begin to soon since she just hit her 12th birthday)

Danny also runs a small Ghost Shop out of his store, just selling small bits of Distilled Ectoplasm or Ecto-Infused Treats to the local Ghosts in return for small favors or help around the shop.

But here's the thing. Ellie is still an unstable Clone, even if they did managed to find a reliable treatment in the form of Ecto-Dejecto. But Danny's parents were the only ones who knew how to make that stuff, and the Ecto-Dejecto they stole all those years ago is beginning to run out.

Danny begins to work tirelessly trying to replicate it, diving full on into his Mad Scientist side to try and find a way to make more ED for Ellie. He manages to make some prototypes, but he is nowhere near confident that they are good enough.

He decides to call in some favors from the local Ghosts. He calls the ones he is confident will survive this and asks them to try out his Ecto Dejecto to see if it will work for Ellie, but he does warn them that there will probably be unexpected side effects that they will probably not like.

The Ghosts agree to do it, because in the years that the Fenton's have lived there they have grown extremely attached to Ellie. She is like a little sister or daughter for many of them, they would throw away their afterlives if it meant helping her.

For most of the samples, the ED doesn't work at all. Some of them work for a single moment before cutting out, others don't do anything, and some have crazy effects that affect them for a little while before disappearing abruptly. One guy turned into a Dog, not the worst outcome but not the intended one. Another began to glow brightly and couldn't turn it off, that one lasted for an hour.

They keep testing them, out in the nearby Alley since they don't want to destroy the house or Danny's makeshift Lab, for a few weeks.

They problem comes when they are spotted one night by Red Hood.

...

Jason was crossing the Rooftops while on Patrol. He was going a little farther than his normal patrol range, since he had the time and he wanted to make sure there was no trouble in the nearby areas either.

As he was about to hop from one rooftop to another, he got a weird feeling. It was strange, he didn't feel anything on his skin, he didn't smell anything, he didn't even hear anything, but he somehow knew that there was something strange happening in the nearby Alley. It was like he could sense it.

Peeking over the edge of the rooftop, he saw a group of about 10 people. It was a bunch of strange looking people with green-ish skin, and one normal looking person. The normal looking one was wearing a lab coat, and seemed to be about 25 yrs old. Jason felt like there was something off about that guy, but he couldn't place exactly what. He was holding a box of something in his hand, and talking to the group.

"Ok guys, I'm really confident this time!" He said, "I think one of these may be the one!"

The man placed the box on a nearby Dumpster and opened it up, taking out a strange glowing green Vial. He handed it to one of the Greenish people and watched as they injected themselves with it.

Jason watched as they began to glow slightly before their arms suddenly grew to be longer than they were tall. The Man in the Lab Coat sighed in discontent, before saying "Ok, not that one. But we still have a few to try out!"

Jason watched as one by one the people below injected themselves with the green Liquid, each of them having some strange phenomenon happen to them before moving on to the next. The strange thing was that none of them seemed to be concerned with the changes, just commenting on it felt before moving on.

Finally, they got to the last person in line. As they injected themselves, Jason felt a sense of Anticipation well up in his gut. He didn't know why, but he felt like this was going to he important.

He was proven right as the Man who had injected himself began to glow brightly. Jason was overwhelmed with the sense of Pure Power coming from him. It was intense, he didn't know how, but he could actually feel the man begin to grow stronger and stronger. The feeling was nearly suffocating, but he managed to regain his senses long enough to hear Lab Coat laugh maniacally. He looked over to see that the entire group was enthusiastically high-fiving and fist-bumping eachother, all cheering at the success.

"Hahaha! Yes! Finally!" Labcoat Cheered, "It's done! Once I make some more, we'll be able to-"

The overwhelming power suddenly cut out. It was so abrupt that even the people below didn't speak for some time. They all just stood on slight shock before Labcoat spoke up, "Ok...ok this is fine. All I need to do is take that formula and find a way to make the effect Permanent. After that we're all set." He said, a thoughtful expression on his face, "I think we'll be good to go within a Week!"

The group of people muttered in agreement, and Labcoat thanked them all for a bit before they all began to walk away. It seemed like the meeting was over.

Jason took a moment to collect himself, before deciding to follow some of the group so he could question them. Unfortunately, everybody he followed disappeared into thin air after a short time.

It occurred to him that he hadn't tried to intervene at all. Usually he would have jumped down and beaten them all black and blue for testing drugs right in front of him, but he didn't this time. Why? He also realized that he should have followed the Lab Coat guy first, not waited until it was his last option. Why did he not go after that guy instantly? Why did he hesitate? Was it something to do with that Ominous Feeling that led him to the meeting in the first place? There was just something about the guy that made Jason feel inexplicably sacred of him.

Either way, he needed to tell the others.

Because from what he had seen, a Mad Scientist had been working with a group of Metahumans to create a Super Soldier Drug right there in Gotham, and they needed to stop them.

[100dayproductivity]

10/100.

Do you also get frustrated by having to do stuff like eat? Ugh. I was eating breakfast this morning and annoyed with myself for taking so goddamn long to chew. I think the annoyance actually stemmed from the state of my kitchen. The cereal boxes that are normally on top of the fridge were crowded onto the kitchen table by my elbow. The kitchen table itself was shoved a foot or so farther from the fridge than usual, in order to make room for the fridge to get pulled away from the wall. The vacuum cleaner was sitting on the floor in front of the sink and I kept having to step around it while making breakfast. The reason for this disarray was because I finally picked up some of that putty stuff from the hardware store yesterday to patch up the wall behind my fridge. In order to get to the wall, I have to pull out the fridge. In order to pull out the fridge, I had to remove the cereal boxes from the top of the fridge and shove the table out of the way. I also needed to move the carpet from in front of the door that's next to the fridge. Moving the carpet revealed the accumulation of sandy grit underneath the carpet. I swept that up, then vacuumed. But I'll still need the vacuum to clean up behind the fridge once I pull it away from the wall. Hence why it's still sitting in the middle of everyone's way in front of the sink (by "everyone" I mean "me". And I guess the cat.)

So while I'm sitting there eating breakfast, annoyed with the cereal boxes at my elbow and the vacuum cleaner in front of the sink, I was thinking about how annoying it is to start a project and then have to stop to do things like eat and sleep and eat again. And then I started thinking about the other things I have to also do, like respond to work-related messages, get more cat food, oh and I'm almost out of salt and have started a grocery list of pantry items so I'll have to get those too. And then there's dishes to deal with again. And this is why I have a hard time starting "projects". You take stuff apart and move stuff around in order to do the project, but can't get it done all in one go because of all the other stupid stuff you have to stop and do (like eating!!!) Then you're just annoyed with all the stupid stuff because you just want to get the "project" done. But it seems like you'll never get it done because there's always more pressing priorities! 😮‍💨

Also, I think I messed up my anxiety meds schedule yesterday (I think I took two half-pill doses before noon instead of one half-pill in the morning and another in the evening). My next dose is not scheduled until later this afternoon. The anxiety meds are also used to treat depression and OCD. I don't have OCD but I definitely notice more obsessive-like thought patterns when I miss a dose (not obsessive like weird Fatal Attraction-esque stalker behaviour but just like mildly getting stuck in a mental loop about stupid little things. Like chewing.) So the missed dose is probably contributing to my inability to cope with cereal boxes at my elbow and vacuum cleaner in front of the sink.

Sooo... back to my main point: do you also get this way? Lol. I bet a lot of you know exactly what I'm talking about.

Right. Let's get this party started.

First priority is to shower. (See what I mean about stupid little stuff getting in the way of projects? Ugh 😮‍💨)

Then, my to-do list. Here's where we're at:

To-do:

Pick up polyfill and light bulbs at hardware store. ✓ I finally did this! After that little talk I had with myself yesterday. Patting myself on the back for this small accomplishment 🥇

Look up "best hamstring stretches". ✓ - Proud of myself for following through with this right away! Here's a link to the first site I found that had instructions for exercises to do: https://www.sports-injury-physio.com/post/top-5-stretches-plantar-fasciitis

Wash cat puke off of floor. ✓ Omg, finally got this cleaned up.

Patch up holes in wall behind fridge.

🤬 dishes again 🙄.

Order cat food.

Order groceries.

Homescan. (This requires more explanation but I'll elaborate some other time. Basically it's one of those survey things you can do to earn a little extra cash on the side.)

Fill out mortgage paperwork.

Recurring:

Alternate heat and ice on foot.

Do hamstring stretches.

Roll out knots in leg muscle.

Do Sun Salutation x5

Take inhaler

I actually did all of this yesterday! 🏆 My plantar fasciitis is still flaring up though, so I need to keep at it.

What stupid little daily to-dos are annoying you today??

[theboardwalkbody]

Time to play:Is it Taltz causing my immune system to fail or is it Normal?

Two weeks ago I had sinusitis symptoms. Took antibiotics and it helped.

That same weekend I ended up in the hospital with what turned out to be a bladder infection (which I had 0 symptoms of prior to the extreme pain it ended up causing) and, according to the scan at the hospital I also have a cyst of "significant size" on my ovary which between that and the swollen bladder have been working together to cause chaos.

Plus I got a cold sore. My paternal grandmother got them all the time and passed them to my sister and I as babies and sometimes if I've been sick enough they come out. It's had me in a bad place mentally because of my own personal feelings about it.

Still battling some issues with that despite the antibiotics but now I'm not sure if it's infection or just the cyst.

Now last Friday I woke up with a sore throat and mild congestion. Over the weekend both things have been getting worse.

I couldn't sleep At All last night. I tried going to bed around midnight but my throat was so dry and my sinuses hurt I was too uncomfortable and just kept tossing and turning until about 230. At that point I remembered the window was open and thought maybe the dry air coming in was causing it so I shut it. It helped a little. I wanted to drink something but I've been hesitant since the bladder issues are worse at night and it makes me not want to drink anything.

I tried to do some day dreaming hoping it would lead to real dreaming and it did but only for about 40 minutes.

From 315 to 415 I once again struggled with the intense dry throat and pain.

Now from 415 to 6 I couldn't shut my brain up. Intense racing thoughts and anxiety related to work.

I missed work last Monday because of the bladder stuff. I was in so much pain and had added nausea from the antibiotics.

I was supposed to start a new case today, a new patient's first day with our company. I really wanted this case for a few different reasons and I think it would be a really good fit.

But I've been awake all night, I feel run down, I feel hot, my throat is hurting, my sinuses are burning, I feel so tired.

They said it's OK and to feel better when I called (finally made the decision at like 615 because I was supposed to be up and getting ready to leave for 730) but I feel so guilty. I feel like it reflects bad on me and the company and it's day one and I really wanted this case and I hope they don't take me off it for good because of this and idk.

I spent hours beating myself up over it before I called and now I'm still beating myself up over it. Despite knowing I'd be suffering during a full 8hr hands on shift with the night I had and how I feel in general because of whatever is going on.

So I'm kinda miserable all around.

I keep trying to convince myself it's just allergies. Because the pollen and the blooming trees, and the change of weather, etc. But I took allergy meds and they didn't do anything. I took the 24hr pseudoephedrine and still nothing. I think it's either the sinus infection has come back or maybe it's a new one, or possibly tonsillitis because on Saturday I did have some spots on my tonsils (I get tonsil stones though and because of my cold sore I didn't poke around at them to see if it was stones or not) and they are swollen (which for me is normal anymore but they look extra swollen and red now).

So idk.

Part of me wants to be like que cera, cera

But the bigger part of me (where the anxiety and mental health issues live) is going to beat myself up over today.

My Lola knows I'm not feeling great and I'm upset because, despite the fan being on which she doesn't enjoy, she jumped down from her loop/perch and is laying on the bed with me (she did use the opportunity to scratch the curtain, though). She's going to snuggle with me and then get zoomies. It is prime for zoomies.

[beaopalmoon]

ok. im about to see my psych again. i haven't had an appointment since October and haven't had my meds since November.

i used to be afraid of getting help for my mental health because i felt like it was just going to be a matter of time before i wouldnt be able to get it again.

maybe thats still true. im definitely absolutely miserable when unmedicated but im not a danger to myself. what i have recognized though is that any length of time i can get where i feel moderately well enough to function is worth the trouble.

off my concerta i can't take care of myself at all. i cant think clearly and when i try to, my thoughts just loop around problems i cant solve and don't have an answer to. i get overstimulated any time there's more than one sound happening at once. i have barely been able to sleep.

i still need to try and apply for county healthcare, its just that every time i look at the paperwork, i get horribly discouraged. ive not had any good experiences with TX federal anything, but i know that i am worth getting help. advocating for myself is hard no matter what im dealing with but i will do my best...

Edit:

burgh. so while im getting assessed before the psych appointment, the receptionist tells me she just got a message from the doc saying he cant make it in today 💀 soonest appointment that he has available is March 1st.

BUT i asked her to request he fill my prescriptions when he can, and i am able to stay and see my therapist today instead. i havent been on T either so i hope i dont cry ORZ

[iatrophilosophos]

(Lmk if you don't want me screenshotting ur tags/saying this next to it i just think this part is important. All future "you"s in this post are @ a general hypothetical reader, not @ you previous poster specifically.)

Neuroleptics is a huge frog boil. I think for a lot of ppl there is a wave of initial relief with the prescription cuz like, most people do get on these meds when they're feeling super fucked up & i think there is a ton of value in the like, neurological shake up to get into a different bodymind frame and start functioning different. And then, for me and a lot of ppl I've talked to, there's the numbness but there can also be 0 emotional memory: i.e. when i was on neuroleptic medication, every feeling was the *only* feeling i had ever felt. I had extreme lows in my daily life, at school, etc but in my nice quiet psychs office, I had nothing to report. Then, there's the fact that these medications cause withdrawals, plus feeling anything again can be super overwhelming. So you get the really classic loops and spirals/"unstable psycho behavior": hate ur meds, build up a bunch of antispsych thoughts, go off, don't process withdrawals well, get into a hole, get hospitalized or face pressure from family/friends/society at large, go back on, feel better for a little bit, start defending psychiatry really hard...rinse and repeat.

So! Alternatives and ~harm reduction~:

If you or someone you know decided you do want to take neuroleptic drugs, it's a really really good idea to set intentions to monitor side effects OUTSIDE of your relationship to your prescriber. Note when you feel like shit, note when you feel HAPPY, make a low effort chart with checkboxes for every day/incident, short form journal, long form journal, make a drawing every day, take a picture every day--whatever is easy and you can look back on to actually assess if this relationship to this drug is doing something you actually want in your life.

WITHDRAWALS ARE REAL. If you're currently taking, have taken, or are considering neuroleptic medication: your experience when you first go off meds or miss a couple days Is NOT "who you are" or what you can expect from baseline w/o the meds. It is an EXTREMELY GNARLY WITHDRAWAL. There's an OK harm reduction guide to coming off psychiatric medication i can send a PDF to if anyone wants to dm me their email (the only actual link I've found for it is paid :/). It's more oriented to antipsych 101 than actual medical info/support but it's ok.

Consider: trying almost anything else before taking neuroleptic medication. There is not really anything that's guaranteed to make you stop hallucinating, which can suck. However; that doesnt mean you will forever feel like shit, or that you can't make changes such that hallucinations are either a lot less likely and/or a lot less intrusive. The now mostly-defunct mad liberation movement has generated a bunch of wonderful narratives and discourse around this topic i highly reccomend delving into to find ideas and practices that might be good. you can search for archives of "mad liberation" "psychiatric survivor" and "anti psychiatry movement" newspapers which are also just super cool to read; you can look up the archived old website for the Icarus Project (search "icarus project archive" sry I'm on mobile); and Project LETS is an extant us college-centric group that might have useful resources. On the materials and practices side:

I'm an herbalist so I'm p much always gonna head towards herbalism; but i think there's some real benefits here in that herbs are 1) cheap 2) not controlled substances (unless you're in aeoteroa, apparently?) 3) many have extremely low if nonexistent potential to cause withdrawal (notable exceptions: kratom, kava) 4) most are metabolized very quickly (within an hour) and wear off within several hours; giving you a large amount of flexibility and control, and 5) there's a lot of good evidence even if youre science-only (kinda an L but you do you.) The Psychpharmacology of Herbal Medicine by Marcello Spinella is a somewhat dated but solid source you can find a free pdf of by Googling or looking on libgen or Anna's archive; find preparation directions in James greens Home Medicine Makers Handbook available in the same databases. It is important when assessing chemical tools like this to think outside the box and more granularly about what kinds of effects might be beneficial situation to situation in Your Specific Life than seeking some sort of "herbal antispsychotic", which does not exist.

Other good options: ruling out vitamin B and D deficiencies, introducing variation in your life or making major life changes (that might sound weird but IMO, starting a long term relationship with a powerful, withdrawal causing psychoactive drug Is In Fact ALSO a major life change!), dropping shrooms or acid, literally just start walking around where you live and see where it takes you, stay at a friend's house for a little bit and learn to navigate a new environment, uhhh in the past when I've been super fucked up in my life I've Literally just gone to like dollar tree and gotten as many foods that I've never eaten before as possible and it helped a lot more than it might sound like it would

Like basically do whatever you want forever and if any of this sounds stupid or terrible like...don't do it... but don't let the establishment fool you into believing your options are suffer with drugs or suffer without them and DEFINITELY don't accept the narrative that it's better to be numb, miserable, and riddled with physiological side effects but managable-for-society than it is to feel alive while insane, abnormal, and unable to live a normative life.

what is your opinion on anti-psychotics then?

that's a misnomer; neuroleptic drugs don't combat a singular biological state of 'psychosis' because there is no such observed or biomarked state. neuroleptics don't have good evidence for their efficacy in actually improving patient outcomes, and are known to cause a range of serious short- and long-term (including permanent!) side effects ranging from metabolic dysregulation to movement disorders (neurological damage) to sedation (they have previously been known as 'major tranquilisers').

on principle i think people should be able to use psychoactive substances of their choosing; in practice i think this is basically a moot point in regards to neuroleptics because the side effects are so common and severe, and the benefits so minimal. these are drugs that continue to be popularly prescribed because they make patients more 'compliant' -- ie, because our current social–economic situation is so profoundly hostile to variation in perceptions of reality that we render people more 'functional' when dangerously medicated into submission.

i also collected a few readings on this here.

[taliaaurora]

You Look Happier - Kelly Severide

Warning: none.

Summary: Being a member of Firehouse 51 meant you were also invited to Kelly's wedding. You didn't imagine seeing your ex-boyfriend walk out of the while with someone else would break you that bad.

Word Count: 558.

A/N: I'm sorry for being distant from Tumblr and not posting anything in the last couple of months. This last semester at uni was a living hell, I hope i can write more now that I have more free time. I hope you enjoy this, I ❤ u!

Want to join my tag list? You can request it here! 🦋

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“You look happier.” You confessed, walking up to Kelly before taking a seat next to him at the bar. You knew that the music playing in the background was not loud enough to hide the sadness in your voice. He knew you like the back of his own hand, so you couldn't help but feel a little ashamed by the comment you just made.

"That's because I am." He flashed you a half smile. "I am happier." You couldn't say it didn't hurt you a bit when he confirmed that. You met his smile and stared at him for a while, rearranging the thoughts in your head. You wished it was you. You wished you were the girl that just walked out of the aisle with her arm looped around Kelly's.

"I'm happy for you. Really, I am." You nodded your head, gently squeezing his arm. "I am sorry that things didn't work out between us. But…seeing you here with that big smile on your face made my heart fill with joy. I always wanted you to be happy, Kelly. Even if that means I have to see you getting married to someone else."

Kelly stared at you for a while, not knowing what to say. He could see you were telling him the truth, you really were happy for him, but the look in your eyes told him something else. He could see right through you. You were hurting.

“I heard you’re leaving 51.” He changed the subject, taking a sip from his drink as he looked away. Deep down there was this odd feeling as if he was suddenly doubting the decision he made just an hour ago. He felt that if he kept looking into your eyes for too long he might regret getting married to the person that could've been you. Sometimes he looks at you and asks himself where did it all go wrong.

“Yeah, I'm leaving 51.” You quickly nodded your head, whipping off the tears that were forming in your eyes. “I need a fresh start, you know? I think spending some time away from Chicago might do some good.”

“Away from Chicago or away from me?” Kelly mumbled, his question felt more like a statement. Before you could answer, he shook his head and flashed you a smile. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. I think you should do whatever makes you feel better. If staying away from Chicago for a while is the solution, then go for it. I’ll be here for you when you come back.” He gently squeezed your shoulder as his own eyes started to water.

You nodded your head and pressed your lips together, holding back a sob. There was no point in holding back the tears, they were already running down your face as you quietly stood up and grabbed your purse.

Looking back at the party, you saw all of your friends smiling and having fun. Herrmann saw you standing there and quickly made his way toward you, noticing the fresh tears in your eyes. Without saying a word, he grabbed you by the hand and dragged you to the center of the room where all of your friends were drinking and dancing. Everyone from 51 was there, having the time of their life. They would hate you for not saying goodbye.

——————————————————————————

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[bumblesimagines]

Little Loomis

Part 11

Request: Yes or No

~~~

“Luckily, nothing is broken or fractured. You’ll be feeling sore for the following week and you’ll most likely develop bruising. Some pain meds and ice packs should help with the pain. If the pain continues or worsens, you should come back to get it checked out. If you experience anything odd regarding your health that you believe may have to do with the fall, get it checked out just to be sure.” The doctor advised, tapping his clipboard with his pen. 

“Thank you, doc.” Sidney thanked him, picking up her purse and looping her arm around yours. You slid off the bed and stepped out of the room, turning to face Rebecca.

“Ooh, yeah, you don’t look so good.” Rebecca winced. Her sympathy was quickly replaced with excitement as she turned to look at Sidney with a wide smile. 

“Long story short, Randal wants to lock you in for three more books.” Rebecca raised a sheet of paper. “See the line in your contract? You can name your price! As soon as you’re both cleared for this investigation, we’re on the next plane to New York. I can book-”

“Did you read my book?” Sidney asked. Rebecca sheepishly smiled and shook her head.

“Thought I’d wait for the movie.”

“Book tour’s over.” Sidney sighed but before you could move, Rebecca tugged you both back into the room. You held back the urge to groan and complain, pressing your lips into a line and praying Rebecca would get it over with quickly.

“You’re a victim. For life. So, embrace it! Use it. I know you care about your readers. All those little sad readers who need a light at the end of their tunnel so they don’t jump off a bridge. And a lucky break like this? I’m talking a hundred percent increase in sales. A million more people get your message and you get a million more paychecks. Win-win.” 

“You really just spewed all that and didn’t even think about it, huh? We’ve got a Gale Weathers in the making.” Your words made the publicist perk up. “That was an insult.” 

“We won’t be needing you anymore.” Sidney stated, taking a step back and holding onto your arm as she walked down the hall. “You’re fired!”

“Fired?”

“Fired.” She called over her shoulder, shaking her head and muttering under her breath. You pulled her closer and kissed her temple, feeling the irritation rolling off her in waves. 

“Kate and Jill are waiting for us in the back. Dewey’s keeping all the attention at the front so we’ll have time to slip out and head back. Gale also mentioned she wants us to meet up with some of Jills friends who are part of some club? Apparently, they might be helpful in the investigation.” Sidney told you, looking through the texts on her phone. 

“Club? We’re-”

“Going back to the school? Yeah.”

↣ ↣ ↣

“Okay, Cinema Club, we are now in session. We’ll tell you a little bit about ourselves. We are a sectioned afterschool activity and let me just say to our guests, Sidney Prescott and (Y/N) Loomis, it’s an honor. Congrats on the engagement and sorry to hear about your back, (Y/N).”

“It’s called getting old.” You responded, hearing chuckles spread around the room before the students began clapping as you and Sidney stood up. Being back in the school brought back unwanted memories but seeing the more loner type students getting together was nice. You would’ve loved to be part of a club where you felt accepted.

“Uhm, you record your whole high school experience and post it on the net?” Sidney asked, motioning to the camera Robbie wore on his headset. Robbie nodded, leaning back against the desk.

“Everyone will be doing it one day, Sid.” 

“It’s kind of the one component the killer is missing.” Charlie shrugged lightly. Gale pushed herself off the counter and stepped forward.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, you want to be the new new version. The killer should be filming the murders.” Charlie explained with a shrug. 

“It’s like the next step in a psycho elevation. I mean, you film them all in real time and before you get caught, you upload them into the net.”

“Making your art as immortal as you.” Charlie added to Robbie's’ words, turning to look at you and Sidney. Sidney shifted in her seat, glancing at you before clearing her throat.

“So, who do you think could be behind the murders?”

“Well, a Stab fanatic, clearly. Working on less than another part of the movie and more of a remake. Cause all there are now are remakes. There are still rules but the rules haven’t changed.” While Charlie went on his rant, Kirby caught your attention, raising her phone to show that Robbie was recording. You nudged Sidney and nodded towards Kirby. Sidney turned her attention onto Robbie, watching him walk around the room before he returned to his spot beside Charlie.

“In fact, the only way to survive a modern horror movie.. You pretty much have to be gay.” Charlie finished, glancing at Robbie when he moved away from him. 

“Then why are you so sure the killer is working by the rules of a remake?” Gale asked.

“Well, two kids killed in a house when their parents are away? And then the schools hot chick is ravaged beyond recognition.” 

“And then a party.” Sidney finished. Charlie nodded with a smile, glancing at Robbie who was up and walking around again. 

“Fingers crossed for some nudity for a change.” Robbie just kept digging himself a deeper grave. Despite the situation, his words got a few chuckles through the gathered students. Gale got closer to Charlie.

“Do you know any parties going on today?”

“Well, there’s Stabathon.” You scoffed softly and stood up, standing behind Sidney and wrapping your arm around her waist. 

“Stabathon is a movie marathon where we watch the movies back to back. We do it every year.” Charlies’ gaze flickered between you and the two women. 

“There’s a killer out there patterning his murders after the original movie.”

“Pretty rad, right?”

“You do realize someone’s bound to die at that party, right?” You raised your brows at the two teens. 

“Well, it’s Friday. We definitely won’t be the only party going on.”

“The killer is copying the first movie, they must be a Stab fanatic, and you’re hosting a Stab movie marathon. You get my point?” You looked at Robbie and watched him slink back, giving a small nod.

“Where’s this shit going to happen at?”

“It’s kind of.. an underground scene-” 

“Oh, Jesus.” Gale muttered, walking towards the door with you and Sidney following.

“If the killer is after us, he’ll end up giving us the location of the party. It’s always where the final act takes place.” You pointed out to the two. 

“That’s a given, but we shouldn’t wait around until more innocent kids drop dead.”

“At this point, it’s inevitable, Sidney.” Gale said, opening the front doors and leaving the schools. She went down the stairs and faced you. 

“You two need to focus on surviving. I already bought the dress I’m wearing to your wedding and I plan on using it for that. If there’s no wedding, buying the dress will go to waste.” Gale shrugged and turned around, heading towards her car. 

“Good to know she cares more about a dress than us.” You muttered. Sidney chuckled and she took out the car keys to Kates car, heading down the sidewalk. 

“If it’s a remake.. Who plays me?” 

“Well.. maybe that Charlie kid? Robbie is obviously like Randy.” Sidney pointed out, unlocking the car and getting in. You got in the passenger seat and sighed, looking out the window and watching the school fade from view. 

“If Billy and Stu hadn’t done what they did... You and I would’ve never gotten close.” You turned your head to look at Sidney. She furrowed her brows and shook her head. 

“That’s not true. I always thought we were friends, even when I was dating Billy. You were nicer and kinder. I felt safer around you. With Billy, there was always a feeling of dread.. That one day he might hurt me. I believe we were always meant to find each other, (Y/N). With Billy alive or dead, we would’ve gotten together at some point.” 

“You think so?”

“Of course.” You smiled and looked forward, listening to the soft tune of the radio playing. The drive to the Roberts Residence was peaceful and you entered the house hand in hand with Sidney. You showered before her and sat in the livingroom with a book in hand while Sidney showered. Kate left with the excuse of running errands while Jill stayed in her bedroom. You remained on the couch until night fell, finishing the book and getting up while Sidney entered through the back sliding doors.

“You okay, babe?” You asked after seeing the hard look on her face. She nodded and wrapped her arms around you, resting her head on your chest. 

“I’m just.. on edge.” She replied and leaned back, gently pressing her lips against yours before walking towards the kitchen. “Want some tea?”

“Yeah.” You set your book aside and followed her into the kitchen, opening the fridge and pulling out a bad of grapes. You got out a small bowl and began picking off some grapes, plopping them into the bowl. You heard the sound of the windchimes and paused, turning around to look at Sidney. She looked back at you and reached for a knife, picking it up and slowly walking towards the door. She looked through the window and flinched when Kates’ face came into view, opening the door and letting her aunt in. 

“Just got back from the store.” Kate smiled, setting her bags on the counter. Sidney shut the door and set the knife down. 

“I’ll be right back.” Kate called, leaving through the doors once more. 

“Late night shopping?” You furrowed your brows. Sidney shrugged and began going through the grocery bags, pulling out everything her aunt had bought. You plopped a grape in your mouth and looked towards the house phone, approaching it and answering.

“This is the Roberts Residence, who’s calling?”

“You don’t typically pick up the phone, do you?” You tensed and reached forward to the bowl of fruits, picking out an orange and tossing it at Sidney. She turned around with furrowed brows, lips parting when she noticed your face.

“I have a question for you, Loomis. What good is it surviving all this drama when everyone around you is dead?” 

“Fuck you.”

“Turn on the tv to channel six.” You clenched your jaw and picked up the remote, turning it on and switching to channel six. Sidney turned and faced the tv as the reporter spoke about Gales’ attack. You turned the tv off while Ghostface laughed. Sidney reached forward and took the phone.

“Why are you doing this?” Sidney asked into the phone. Her expression morphed into one of realization and she tossed the phone aside, making a run for the stairs and calling for Jill. 

“Sid! Sid, what the hell is going on?” You called after her, following and standing by the bottom of the stairs. Sidney reappeared, practically gliding down the steps.

“Guys?” Kate called into the house. 

“Jill’s not in her room!” Sidney said, loud enough for Kate to hear. “Call her, please.” She pleaded, watching Kate pull out her phone and call Jill but with no response.

“The killer called and said he’s coming after me but he’s gonna hurt my family first.” Sidney explained, walking towards the door and opening it. You followed only to see the reflection of Ghostface in the windchimes. Sidney shut the door and turned around, ushering Kate towards the front door. Sidney swung it open but another Ghostface rushed towards the door, arm sticking through and preventing the door from shutting. Kate crouched down and pressed her foot against the bottom stair, pushing against the door. You stepped back and rammed your shoulder against the door, the killer quickly removing their arm after. Sidney locked the door and grabbed your hand but you spotted Kates’ wide eyed look and pulled on Sidneys hand. 

“Kate? We have to-” Before you could finish, Kate spat out blood and locked eyes with you. You pulled her forward and watched the knife peeking through the mail box hole disappear.

“Kate! Kate, please.” Sidney crouched down and cradled her aunts body, sniffling and gently resting her corpse against the floor. Sidney took her keys and stood up, taking in gulps of air. 

“Come on, we need to find Jill.” You reminded her, taking the keys and moving towards the backdoors. You stepped outside with Sidney and came face to face with Judy.

“I saw someone coming around the side of the house. Who’s blood is that?” Judy stared at the blood on your shirt. Sidney sniffled and glanced back into the house.

“It’s Kates.” Sidney responded. “We were attacked.”

“Where is she?” Judy asked, following you and Sidney inside. She approached Kates corpse and while she spoke into her radio, you and Sidney slipped out the back doors and got into Kates car, speeding off to her friends place. She pulled up at the large house and ran out to the front door right as Kirby and Jill opened it. 

“We need to go, Jill.” Sidney grabbed her arm and you turned around, coming face to face with Robbie. He collapsed into your arms, his blood smearing on your shirt and arms. You propped him up against the railing to the porch, looking up to see Ghostface. You stood up and pushed the girls back into the house, trying to close the door but he used all his weight against it. 

“Go, now!” You shouted at the girls and pushed Sidney up the stairs, missing one of the steps and feeling the back of your shirt get yanked. The force was enough to pull you back towards the stand holding a vase, the vase falling and shattering against your head. You groaned, seeing a blurry black figure continue up the stairs and after Sidney. You felt blood trickle down from your temple, head spinning. You placed your hands on the floor and pushed yourself up, the shards from the vase digging into the palms of your hands. 

“(Y/N)? Shit, are you okay?” You squinted and looked up at Kirby, stumbling to get up. She let you lean against her and took you towards the basement down, grabbing a rag and gently pressing it against your temple. You heard the distant sound of Sidneys voice and grunted, blinking until your vision finally focused. It did little to help with the raging headache. Sidney suddenly rounded the corner and let out a sigh of relief, arms wrapping around your neck. 

“Into the basement.” Kirby ushered you and Sidney. You held the rag to your temple and carefully went down the stairs, trying to avoid as much noise as possible. Kirby led you and Sidney to a separate room and shut the door behind her, glass doors leading to an outdoor area. Charlie came up to the window, hitting his hand against the door and pleading for Kirby to let him in. 

“Better safe than sorry, Kirby.” You said, leaning back against the wall and tossing the rag aside. Kirby and Charlie went back and forth before the killer came up behind him and slammed his head against the door, dragging him off and turning the outdoor lights off. When they flickered back on, Charlie was tied up on a chair and Kirby's phone was called. Sidney walked back towards you and opened the door, motioning for you to follow. You went up the basement stairs with her and leaned against the wall. 

“Go find Jill and get the hell out of here.” You told her.

“What?”

“I’ll holler if I see the killer and its your cue to get out.” You cradled her face and kissed her forehead before motioning for her to go up the stairs. Sidneys eyes filled with tears but she turned and went up the stairs, disappearing into the hallway. You stumbled back towards the basement and as you rounded the corner, a hand clamped over your mouth and the familiar sensation of being stabbed erupted through your body, the killer stabbing you another time. Your cries were muffled and you were shoved onto the floor with a thud. Tears blurred your vision and with each painful inhale, you accepted death and prayed Sidney made it out. But when you heard her footsteps come down the stairs and her muffled voice hit your ringing ears, you lost hope as your vision went black.

“Happy birthday, Sid.” You cooed, placing the small cake on the table. She giggled and leaned forward, tilting her head as you sat down. You ran your hand over Cherokees’ head, trying to ease your nerves.

“Can I blow them out?”

“Of course.” Sidney bit her bottom lip, closing her eyes for a moment before opening them and blowing out the candles. She reached forward and plucked the candles out, setting them aside and licking the frost off her finger. 

“You want your surprise now or later?” 

“Now.” Sidney smiled and nodded, leaning back in her chair. You licked your lips and nodded, pulling the box out from the chair beside you. You gently pulled the cake aside and set the box infront of her. Sidney opened the box and gasped softly at the maroon dress, hand raising to her lips before resting it over her chest.

“From the store-”

“I saw the way you were looking at it so.. I thought I’d buy it along with something else.” Sidney looked up at you with furrowed brows. You cleared your throat and slid the small box out of your pocket, nudging Cherokee aside and moving onto one knee. Sidneys’ eyes widened, tears welling up in them.

“Will you give me the honor of being your-”

“Yes.” Sidney laughed, pushing her chair back and getting on the floor, arms wrapping around you. 

“Yes, a million times yes!” She sniffled and leaned back, squealing and laughing when Cherokee pushed himself between you and lapped at her face. You smiled, gently pulling the retriever towards you and rubbing his chest before taking her hand and sliding the ring on.

[animefreak1145]

The Brilliance of Break On Through

Call of Duty: Black Ops Cold War Mission Break on Through—An Analysis

I have replayed the campaign of COD:BOCW numerous times—too many times truly. Did a whole playthrough where it was Hardened and soon I’m sure I shall do Veteran(something I have never done for any COD game. Not even Hardened.).

All missions have their own unique qualities—parts where the player gets a little rush of adrenaline depending on the kind of mission and how they choose to play it (Nowhere Left to Run just a plain shooting match while Brick in the Wall you can choose to remain stealthy like the good spy you are or go crazy like an eager homicidal maniac).

Even within the safehouse, there are plenty of little details to discover if you take the time to look around and observe everyone. Or, everything. (The radio if turned to a Russian station/correspondence, Adler changes it back immediately before Da Nang mission. Watching Park’s body language, as you talk to Adler and she periodically looks over to you two. Adler suspicious when you go to the Red Room or the locked room with the arcade. The T.V. being turned on in the Red Room)

But the amount of details, details, in the mission Break on Through is outstanding. I have played this mission more than any other due to me wishing to look at all the details. There’s so many, I think I may miss some. And I can’t show them off all to you cause I suck at creating gifs and don’t know how to transfer that from Xbox to my phone.

To lighten it up a bit, I won’t focus on the four different scenarios you go through—at least not each one. That would take too long and I do not have gifs/pics to show it off since Tumblr limits it to ten anyways.

I will, however, try to guide to what parts of the game you all can explore if you choose to do so. As well just how detailed they did this mission.

I am going to start with the different statements Adler says to you throughout all the Scenarios(17, 6, 11, 1). We only go through four in the actual game—but the fact it goes up to 17 or possibly more shows just how far they went in and messed with Bell’s mind.

Now, Adler seems to be a bit bipolar on how he talks to you whether or not you listen to him and all his directions. Either totally blasé and cold to giving you and pumping you up with more MK or meds, or actually a tad concerned and patient as he guides you through.

If You/Bell Stands Still/Does Nothing:

Example 1

“So you did nothing? What were you, in shock?”

He throws the words callously, mocking. As if Bell isn’t confused and lost at what is going on. He even sounds irritated that you might actually be in shock due to these memories that are just fake—not even real. Not like what he has.

Example 2

“What’s wrong with Bell?” -Adler

“I’m not sure. . .” -Park

“I guess we’ll just wait on you to proceed, Bell.”

The contrast is dizzying. He sounds concerned when he asks Park on what could be wrong with you. If he pushed you too far and now you’re just frozen. And, instead of rushing you due to how the fate of half of Europe is at stake, he decides to give you space. Just wait for you and you’ll come out of it soon enough.

He does these sort of reactions numerous times. Jumping from intimidating to the Adler we knew as the player, as Bell—kind and always in your corner that believes in you. He switches tactics based on what he believes will work really—or he just felt really on edge at times and threw the farce that you two were friends out the window.

Other examples include:

Scenario 11–Napalm Strike-in the lab in the room where you were brainwashed

“Christ, what’s happening with them?”-Adler

“A mild seizure. Sims, past me a benzodiazepine.” -Park

Again, concerned. Worried. Almost…at unease?

In the lab—tripped up on drugs. If you run through the tight shrinking hallway back and forth like so(I suck at making gifs, I’m sorry):

“Why is Bell repeating themselves?”

Or

“Bell, stop speaking in circles.”

Now, as others may have suspected, Bell is talking to everyone as they’re stuck in this horrible loop of mental torture. Most likely muttering, hands clenching and arms pulling against the straps of the gurney, moving their head back and forth depending on what they’re seeing. I always saw Bell as muttering quickly in Russian as they go through all of this—their mother tongue where it may comfort them as they’re panicking and speaking to Adler.

It’s just a nice detail showcasing how exactly Adler knows that Bell is on script—Bell saying what they’re seeing and doing and what’s going on. It shows also just how hard they put Bell through the ringer(badum tss. I’ll leave now).

All the details too when the game shows how the drugs they put in Bell affects you. Like so. The hallways appearing long. The lights looking yellow. You feel so fast—look how quick you can run. Run towards the Red Door that Adler so desperately wants and maybe this can stop. Ah, why is it running away from you? What’s going on?

I don’t know about you, but I was so lost and confused at what was going on my first playthrough. For the majority of this mission, the possibility of me being brainwashed didn’t reach the BACK of my mind till probably I actually saw the flashes of scenes about Vietnam and calling Bell a subject. So like right here.

I personally thought that I had a repressed memory or something due to me going through the Vietnam War. That whatever I saw with Perseus, I—or rather Bell—repressed it from our mind due to how violent or horrible what we saw or experienced was. And that Adler suspected and just really wanted to know about it.

I didn’t expect for the man to actually brainwash my character—us—Bell! The game made Adler your mentor, who always defended you from Hudson and believed in your skills very highly. How he and Bell were basically perfect partners when the two of you were together.

It’s amazing—cause I think that’s what the developers were going for. The absolute trust. The loyalty. The denial that ‘maybe Adler is being a little harsh but hey, this is to help Perseus so it’s okay?’ It’s perfect. Because I’m sure that is what Bell actually felt in real time.

Yet, if you go through the total rebellious choice of not listening to Adler, some thing’s make sense. The Rebellious Side shows you way more than if you just listen to Adler like a Dutiful Soldier.

You go through this room if you choose the rebellious route, the T.V.’s automatically turning on the closer you get. Of Vietnam. And now, all those T.V.‘s that turned on by themselves(the Red Room, Lubyanka, Cuba) make sense. You were actually being brainwashed. Poor Bell probably can’t ever have a turned off/broken T.V. again. The trauma.

Said trauma being shown multiple times too. Not just the T.V.‘s. But the absolute terror that Bell felt, before they became Bell, with Adler.

Like do you see this? This terrified me when I saw it at the end of the hallway. I just saw a red shadow in the distance and I legit thought I was about to be chased. Call of Duty became a horror game(I also went through the door to the ground too my first playthrough, so before this I went through zombies and I think my heart was going to jump out my chest) I thought. I didn’t want to get closer. I had to, with each step I see that it’s not a shadow but a body. And than I see the familiar jacket, the sound of whirring in my ears and see it’s Adler’s head being twisted back and forth, side to side, up and down, in a speed that in inhumanely possible.

Makes one wonder if Bell themselves sees Adler as inhumane. Not human. Adler seeming to just be a god in their head. All the Adler shaped rocks/boulders you go through and see. Even one point the V.C. becoming Adler and you killing him over and over and dead bodies of Adler being everywhere.

The man has entered Bell’s head and won’t leave. Just like Adler won’t leave Bell alone.

Heck, there’s one point in my playthroughs of this mission I was by the bridge yet there were parts of the lab by it. I jumped towards it, noticing down below there were different floors of the lab that eventually reach the ground. I jumped to reach the next floor and missed and I died.

And Adler mocked Bell committing suicide.

That was the kicker really that Adler truly is indifferent towards Bell. Like complete disregard. I know it’s fake. We know it’s fake. Adler knows it’s fake—but to Bell, it felt real. That’s the crazy part. All of this—this whole sequence feels real to Bell so each time they die they actually feel it. It’s insane. It’s cruel.

But we all know that Adler isn’t known for his kindness. Still like his character though, he’s layered.

I don’t have the exact quote he said, didn’t wrote it down like the others. I was shook he said it at all.

Moving on to the final details I’m going to talk about.

When you go through the room, I believe this comes out for both rebellious and dutiful, really depends. You see it filled with post it notes, articles, plans, and newspapers. And you see once more just how Bell has been scarred.

I don’t know Russian or German, but I imagine the notes are similar to what the English one’s say. If I’m wrong, please point it out.

There’s also post it notes which I believe is in code as well due to all the numbers—I’m not sure what those could mean since I am no decoding expert.

Poor poor Bell. And with all these pictures and plans—of Adler included—it begs the question that Bell may have been warned about the famous America’s Monster beforehand. Had to have—since Adler is basically Perseus’s adversary due to how stubborn the American man could be. It just adds more to the story, despite Cold War having quite a short campaign, they made it up somewhat with all these details everywhere.

When you finally and actually reach the room.

As you grow closer to the table, to your chair in the conference room while everyone else seems to have their own spots, there’s something I noticed.

There’s glasses. As well as a hat. And it’s Bell’s. Or at least, it used to be. Why else is it on their side of the table? By their chair? I believe it might be reading glasses due to all the decryptions Bell does, whether on paper or through a computer, it’s hard on the eyes. (I’m sure I’m not the only one who noticed this. For look at @second-vtoroy ‘s Bell)

I believe through the brainwashing, Bell might not need glasses anymore. After all, apparently they were a smoker like Adler before too but they took that out of you. What else they changed of Bell? It makes one wonder how far they truly went into molding a person.

Which just adds onto how mind boggling this mission is—this game is. This is my favorite COD game, despite how short it is. The details and choices and interactions with everyone and able to create your own character(albeit it’s very standard and not specific but it’s good enough for me) is AMAZING. I’ve always been a sucker for RPG’s and able to get that even a little in a COD game? Truly wonderful.

I couldn’t touch on everything because it would’ve gotten long, but the fun of the Break on Through mission never gets old. It’s genius multiple ways you can do it. All the details. The feelings you feel as a player as you go through it.

They truly did a unique job with this and I hope they continue with this type of game storytelling. Hopefully longer as well.

Anyways, hope you guys enjoyed this rant basically!

Gifs made by me and used the video down below to help.

https://youtu.be/t6QkmkGGHSQ

[breadclubrising]

Hi! I am for sure a stoner, and I only use edibles, because the smell of weed gives me migraines, so I have a couple of thoughts if you want. stoners love to tell you their Weed Opinions! this is only my experience, so… take that how you will.

in my experience, you really do have to experiment a bit before you know what’s right for you

it may feel counterintuitive, but make sure you have a bit of food on your stomach when you take edibles, especially if they’re gummies/candy. i’ve found that it helps the high come on stronger and last longer, presumably bc it stays in your system longer. if you’re taking it for an upset stomach or otherwise can’t eat first, edibles where the thc is paired with a lipid, for example butter, will be better, because your body takes longer to break down fats.

honestly, a lot of things will affect the high, like how much you’ve eaten, what other substances (not just fun ones but also prescription meds, for example) you have in your system, where you are in your cycle if you menstruate, how much sleep you got, etc etc. just pay attention to those things so you can remember for next time.

it also depends on what you’re doing. if you’re doing something stressful or that requires concentration, or if you’re somewhere you don’t want to be, or if you’re already in pain or uncomfortable, all of those things will affect how much you feel it.

CBD does NOT get you high. don’t include CBD in your calculations of how many mg you’re taking. where i live they can sell that shit in the grocery store

HOWEVER, I have consistently found that additional terpenes (other chemicals in cannabis, like CBD, CBN, CBG, etc etc) enhance the high, ESPECIALLY CBD. Even for me, a seasoned stoner, CBD makes THC hit noticeably harder, but in a good way. in fact i usually prefer my edibles to have some amount of CBD in them for that reason.

actually i rarely use straight THC. i usually use something with some extra terpenes added back in, or something full-spectrum (ie directly extracted from the plant without breaking it down into the individual chemicals. or things i made w/my own weed butter)

CBD will also make you sleepy, so beware that.

imo, ‘totally baked and giggly’ is the goal, and if it felt like too much to you, consider that it might be bc it was a new feeling for you. obvs only you can say, but now that you now what to expect, you may enjoy it more next time.

the high with edibles is going to be a lot stronger/more impairing. if you want a functional high, you might want to try a vape pen. but also, once you’re a bit more experienced, you’ll be able to figure out a functional high with edibles. personally, i do not try to be functionally high too often, bc edibles really do be hitting hard.

TOO HIGH is actually *unpleasant,* like for me and many others, you get anxiety, racing or looping thoughts, vertigo, inability to form sentences… it’s a noticeably BAD feeling. however, with lower doses like you’re taking, it’s pretty hard for most people to get Too High.

7.5mg was my go-to amount for a while when i first started using cannabis, after i got past 5 being enough. 10 would probably be a lot for you right now. But also, I think that 5THC/5CBD is a really good sweet spot.

Also, for me, I am very sensitive to substances in general, but the upside of edibles being strong is that I can still easily feel 5mg THC—i’m usually just a liiiiitle tooo high for productivity, at 5mg. I suspect it’s as much about the shift into stoner mode as it is about the strength of the shift, if that makes sense.

The people at the weed store tell me that a 100mg gummy is a nice night for them, which is insane to me. i’ve been a regular cannabis edibles user for like 8 years, and a near-daily user for a year or two, and the absolute maximum i would ever take at once is 25mg—for me, 15mg is a pleasant evening (although that’s probably bc i rarely use straight THC). Stoners frequently tell me i am lucky, however. like i said at the beginning, it is extremely variable from person to person, and the only way to know your tolerances is to test them (safely).

the ‘up to 2 hours’ thing is a thing the cannabis companies say to cover their asses. that does happen sometimes, but for me it’s usually 30-45 minutes to start feeling it. BUT i WOULD wait ~1.5 hours before deciding to take more.

even if you don’t feel high, don’t drive or do things that require your concentration! even if you can’t feel it, it can still very much affect your motor functioning/reaction time/peripheral vision/ etc etc etc. even if you’re forklift certified.

omg this is an embarrassing amount. idk, i am surely not the only stoner to answer the weed signal, but feel free to message me if for some reason that feels helpful. have fun! 😂

Stoner Mutuals! I Seek Your Advice!

So, a while back I decided, “hey, I’m in my late forties and weed is legal here now, might as well give it a try.” Thing is, I don’t smoke and don’t particularly want to. So, edibles it is, then.

Turns out that at least for me, edibles take two hours to kick in. This makes for a steep learning curve, and I keep giving up. Over approximately a year-and-a-half, I’ve tried edibles three times. The results so far:

Attempt #1. 10 mg (5 of CBD and 5 of THC)— Waayy too much. I was totally baked and very giggly. Yes, I knew I was supposed to try a tiny bit and wait half-an-hour to see if anything happened before trying any more. See what I wrote above about it taking two hours for me to feel any effects. On the upside, stoner references in the media now make more sense to me. It really does make you want to talk about time, space, and magic to anybody who’ll listen.

Attempt #2. 2.5 mg— Not enough. No noticeable effects at all.

Attempt #3. 5 mg— Still not enough. I felt very slightly more relaxed than usual, but not enough to be worth the two-hour wait.

Have decided to give it another go this weekend and see if 7.5 mg is the sweet spot. I’ve also decided to try a different product which is mainly THC, as that sounds more interesting (I gather the effects of CBD are ‘feeling relaxed,’ and I can get that from one alcoholic beverage and save myself an hour and fifty minutes).

So— does 7.5 mg THC make sense? Any movie recommendations? (checks info on packet— huh, this says it can take up to *four* hours to feel the full effects. This seems like the most inconvenient recreational substance ever)