#before taking meds i used to think of my thoughts as loops

[idkimnotreal]

i think it is a product of my autistic brain that i never really “know” things, that is, i never feel that a thought i have is right, i’m never really sure about stuff; what i would describe my thoughts as instead (or my process of arriving at a conclusion or decision, which is what most thoughts are about) is having a map of information laid out and being able to access all the pieces of information about something whenever i think about it (every thought i think about has several other thoughts connected to it, it’s about perspective, if i focus on one of those other thoughts then it will have other thoughts connected to it too), but it never becomes more than that - a map of displayed information. 

it’s not that i can’t connect the dots (or thoughts, or pieces of information), but there are so many dots that i can’t ever connect all of them at once, and once i’m done connecting two dots, some other connection is already undone, left behind, and i can’t make out the entire picture. medication (stimulants) helps with this, but then i’m always afraid it makes me have so much tunnel vision that i am finally able to connect all the dots available to me at the time, but i’ll miss out on dots i might otherwise know of when my brain is unmedicated (what i would describe as unmedicated “horizontal thinking” vs. medicated “vertical thinking”). in other words, it makes me able to conclude/decide, but leaves my thinking “incomplete”, which is why i prioritize thinking some things in advance before taking my meds, and think about other stuff while on it as it suits me.

[taliaaurora]

You Look Happier - Kelly Severide

Warning: none.

Summary: Being a member of Firehouse 51 meant you were also invited to Kelly's wedding. You didn't imagine seeing your ex-boyfriend walk out of the while with someone else would break you that bad.

Word Count: 558.

A/N: I'm sorry for being distant from Tumblr and not posting anything in the last couple of months. This last semester at uni was a living hell, I hope i can write more now that I have more free time. I hope you enjoy this, I ❤ u!

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“You look happier.” You confessed, walking up to Kelly before taking a seat next to him at the bar. You knew that the music playing in the background was not loud enough to hide the sadness in your voice. He knew you like the back of his own hand, so you couldn't help but feel a little ashamed by the comment you just made.

"That's because I am." He flashed you a half smile. "I am happier." You couldn't say it didn't hurt you a bit when he confirmed that. You met his smile and stared at him for a while, rearranging the thoughts in your head. You wished it was you. You wished you were the girl that just walked out of the aisle with her arm looped around Kelly's.

"I'm happy for you. Really, I am." You nodded your head, gently squeezing his arm. "I am sorry that things didn't work out between us. But…seeing you here with that big smile on your face made my heart fill with joy. I always wanted you to be happy, Kelly. Even if that means I have to see you getting married to someone else."

Kelly stared at you for a while, not knowing what to say. He could see you were telling him the truth, you really were happy for him, but the look in your eyes told him something else. He could see right through you. You were hurting.

“I heard you’re leaving 51.” He changed the subject, taking a sip from his drink as he looked away. Deep down there was this odd feeling as if he was suddenly doubting the decision he made just an hour ago. He felt that if he kept looking into your eyes for too long he might regret getting married to the person that could've been you. Sometimes he looks at you and asks himself where did it all go wrong.

“Yeah, I'm leaving 51.” You quickly nodded your head, whipping off the tears that were forming in your eyes. “I need a fresh start, you know? I think spending some time away from Chicago might do some good.”

“Away from Chicago or away from me?” Kelly mumbled, his question felt more like a statement. Before you could answer, he shook his head and flashed you a smile. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. I think you should do whatever makes you feel better. If staying away from Chicago for a while is the solution, then go for it. I’ll be here for you when you come back.” He gently squeezed your shoulder as his own eyes started to water.

You nodded your head and pressed your lips together, holding back a sob. There was no point in holding back the tears, they were already running down your face as you quietly stood up and grabbed your purse.

Looking back at the party, you saw all of your friends smiling and having fun. Herrmann saw you standing there and quickly made his way toward you, noticing the fresh tears in your eyes. Without saying a word, he grabbed you by the hand and dragged you to the center of the room where all of your friends were drinking and dancing. Everyone from 51 was there, having the time of their life. They would hate you for not saying goodbye.

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[captain-mj]

Angels Of Digitalism

Part 1 Part 2

Soap sat on the couch for a bit, continuing to draw. Simon looked over his shoulder as he worked. 

He watched Johnny continue to draw. The little lines and different shades of grey. It didn’t really make sense to him until Johnny zoomed out to show everything. Simon followed each intricate detail, finding it all hypnotizing. 

Johnny was so focused, he had his tongue between his teeth as he worked. It was cute. Simon glanced at Alejandro who was still deep in his phone.

Ghost decided to ask a question. “Have you ever heard of Sacred Geometry? Your work reminds me of it.”                                    

“No.” Johnny answered as he continued to draw.

There was a moment of silence. Ghost was more than content to just let it be. 

Johnny stopped what he was doing to look up, all of his attention suddenly on Ghost. “Are you going to tell me about it?”

Ghost paused, not expecting the artist they were paying to care about that. “Do you want me to?”

“Yeah. Sounds cool.” Johnny smiled at him and clearly waited for him to go on. 

Simon nodded. “Sacred geometry is the study of the spiritual meaning in shapes. You know the fibonacci sequence right?”

“Yeah, in one of my art classes, we talked about it. If you use it while making trees and spirals, it makes them look more natural. One of the golden rations I believe.”

Simon grinned and Johnny smiled back. For a moment, Ghost wondered if he forgot to put his mask on, before realizing Johnny was just looking at his eyes. “Yeah. Exactly. Most of the time it’s just dozens of interlocking circles and spheres to make patterns but the other shapes are included sometimes. Cells make those patterns, atoms make those patterns, the solar system, the galaxy potentially our universe. All just boiling down into patterns that we can decipher and find the meaning of it all somehow. Circles mean the never ending loop, I believe something to do with reincarnation. The numbers that go into making them.”

“You think we can find the meaning?” Johnny asked him, looking at him with a strange amount of surety. Like Simon might actually know something. 

Simon laughed a little and immediately wanted to take it back when Johnny looked embarrassed. ‘I don’t know. Don’t think there is much of a meaning to anything. I think we’re just here and then we’ll die.”

“How nihilistic.” Alejandro gave him a glare over Johnny’s head. A very clear ‘we’ve talked about this and have you talked to your therapist recently and are you taking your happy meds’ glare that made Simon roll his eyes at him. 

“But if you find meaning in it, that’s up to you. Your work just reminds me of it.”

Johnny thought about it before laughing. “I think I know why! I used religious art as a reference fur some things. Especially angels, ye ken, cause o` yer name.” 

Alejandro and Ghost made eye contact over his name again. Yeah, Soap was not subtle about being scottish, but his accent thickened so suddenly Ghost couldn’t really understand it. He did find he kinda liked it though. 

“English, Soap.” Ghost decided to try. 

Johnny slowly looked at him before hissing. “Awa' 'n' bile yer heid, ye british bas.” 

Ghost blinked. “Yeah, that didn’t help. I understood that even less somehow.” 

Johnny grumbled and went back to drawing. Ghost sipped his drink and decided maybe it was time to bow out. The harnesses were done. The rigging all done. Roach would hopefully be finishing up soon. 

Johnny leaned into him, just a little. It was so he could get a better angle with what he was working on, but they were pressed close together.

Simon swallowed and waited for the usual panic that came from being unexpectedly touched so much, but nothing came. 

Maybe therapy was working. 

Alex and Roach stepped out of the room, both looking tired. “Alejandro, thank you so much for coming and helping.”

Soap glanced at Alejandro, really confused as all he saw him do was sit on the couch and type, but alright. 

“No problem guys. I’ll come every day this week.” Alejandro stood up and he and Alex fistbumped and Alejandro squeezed Roach’s shoulder as he passed. “Oh, Simon?”

Ghost looked up.

“Continue being cute for me yeah?” He winked and Ghost blew him a kiss. 

“Disgusting.” Rodolfo deadpanned. “Get a room.”

Alejandro spoke in Spanish to him and Rodolfo just shook his head. 

“I forgot to get you yesterday Soap so I thought I should make sure you come with us this time.”

The lights went out through out the building.

“Why did they put them on timers? Doesn’t even make fucking sense.” Alex turned his phone on as he spoke, illuminating them all. Slowly, everyone else got their phones out and turned them on. “Didn’t realize how late it got.” 

Soap hummed. “I thought you guys just turned them off yesterday…”

“We wouldn’t leave you in here. On purpose.” Rodolfo promised. “It’s why we sent Roach in.”

“Wait, where did Roach go?” Ghost stood up and looked around. He didn’t have his light on, but it wasn’t really necessary with so many lights already. 

Roach gently brushed his hand and Ghost tensed for a moment, before calming when he saw it was just Roach. “There you are. Don’t wander off in the dark.” He grabbed his hand. 

Rodolfo rubbed his temples. “Alright, let’s try to find the exit.” 

They all fumbled around in the dark for a while. Soap awkwardly bumped into more people than he ever wanted to. He found the door though and everyone escaped the dark venue. 

Ghost put on his helmet but perched on his motorcycle for a few minutes. Soap didn’t know why, but he waited with him.

Rodolfo did a quick head count of everyone before nodding. “Alright, everyone’s good to go home. Alex, remember, thirty minutes between edibles.”

“No.”

“Kill yourself then. Roach, please be careful in that car. It looks evil.”

Roach saluted him. 

“Ghost, remember to take your meds.” 

Ghost visibly shrank and crossed his arms. “Yeah, I fucking will.”

“Soap. Keep up the good work.”

“Wait, does Alejandro not get berated for something?? And why does Soap just get a keep up the good work?” Alex immediately complained. 

Rodolfo shrugged. “Soap is my favorite coworker and Alejandro is a guest.”

Alejandro gasped. “Mi sol, a guest?? I am a guest??”

“Yes. You’re a guest star. But still a guest. You’re not on a contract right now.”

“Wow, are we not friends?” Ghost scoffed.

“We are friends. It’s how I knew you weren’t going to take your meds, Roach was going to speed, and Alex was going to get high. I don’t know what Soap does when he’s not here!”

Soap hummed. “Mostly just take online college classes and commissions.”

“Boring. I can’t say anything about that. Oh, make sure you get grades??” Rodolfo scoffed and motioned towards Soap. “Get a better haircut??”

“I like his mohawk.” Roach used an app on his phone so it sounded like the vocaloid he used. Soap thought that was pretty neat. “Plus, more importantly, I was not going to speed.”

“We have the Life360 app. Your top speed coming in was 95 miles. Ghost is a safer driver than you. And he doesn’t even have a license.”

“You don’t have a license?” Soap turned to him. 

Ghost threw his leg over his motorcycle so he could get on properly. “Goodnight. I totally have a license.”

“Let’s see it then.”

“It has my face.”

“You can cover it up!” 

Ghost revved his engine. “No.” He two finger saluted everyone and left quickly. 

Roach watched him go with this… almost soft look in his eyes. He looked at Soap and held out a piece of gum. 

Soap took it and popped it in his mouth, making Roach grin. “So, have any plans tonight?”

Roach texted him instead of using the voice app. “Not really. You?”

“Go home and relax I suppose.”

“Want to come back to my place?”

[panfluidme]

Could you please write something with Martin being hurt (potentially fatal) and Chris trying his best to save him or at least keep him alive long enough to get proper help (please no death I just finished reading all your wild kratts fics and I can't deal with another Martin death)

Sorry that it's taken me so long to get this out. My brain is just like "f u" recently, and writing has not been wanting to work with me. Then I've also been doing high school graduation, so that's fun

ALMOST GONE

Martin was out like a light, Chris' own brain was a little fuzzy as he tried to remember what happened.

The last thing he had recalled was the two jumping around in the trees. They had been following a group of monkeys, so...

So how did they end up down here? Had they fallen or something?

But both of them at the same time? Normally one person would fall, but very rarely would both of them fall. At the same time and right next to each other.

Chris was snapped out of his thoughts when Martin groaned quietly. He shook his head and went to check on him. He could see some blood coming from the top of Martin's head, which wasn't exactly reassuring.

"Hey, Martin, can you look at me?"

Martin opened his eyes, wincing a little. "It's bright," he mumbled.

"I know, I know." Chris wiped some of the blood off Martin's face. "Do you remember who I am?"

"You're Chris, my little brother." Martin leaned back, finding it hard to keep his head up.

Chris gently kept his hand on Martin's shoulder, frowning a little. "Stay awake, okay? I know you can. I'm going to get us somewhere the Tortuga can easily find us then call Aviva, okay?"

Martin furrowed his eyebrows together. "Aviva?"

"Yes, do you remember who she is?"

The blond had to pause to think before he shook his head. Chris frowned more as he gently tried to pick Martin up. With how much taller Martin was than Chris, and the fact that Chris didn't have as much muscle strength as Chris, Chris struggled a lot. In the end, he put Martin back onto the ground, leaning against a tall tree.

The brunet grabbed his creature pod and called Aviva, hoping that she would be able to help. However, his creature pod died right before she could answer. Odd, he normally was much better at charging it, but it wasn't the first time that he's needed it and it was dead.

He grabbed Martin's, but it was smashed up. This wasn't ideal at all, Chris needed to call Aviva so he could get Martin help.

Okay, so what was the best way to go about this? Martin was hurt, likely having some brain damage since he didn't remember who Aviva was. He couldn't call the Tortuga with either of their creature pods, him calling then 'hanging' up probably freaked everyone else out.

Chris paced a little, ignoring the slight pain in his ankle. It was up to him to get Martin and himself to safety. Logically, Chris knew he might also have a concussion, but it was much smaller than Martin's. Logically, Chris knew he and Martin had other injuries, but that was pushed to the back of his mind.

He hummed to himself as he thought. Nodding to himself, Chris looped his arms under Martin's armpits and started to drag him. He was careful, walking backwards. He looked over his shoulder a lot to make sure he wouldn't trip.

Martin groaned softly, Chris quietly reassuring him and telling him to stay awake. The older tried to do so, his head spinning and stomach churning.

Slowly, but surely, Chris made his way to the Tortuga. It took him hours to do so, partly because he had to stop and rest and take care of Martin, and walking backwards in a forest was a slow process anyway.

"Aviva!" Chris shouted. Martin groaned at the loud noise, but Chris had to ignore him.

The woman in question ran over and helped Chris bring Martin to the med bay. Relief washed over Chris while he watched her take care of Martin, quietly answering Koki's questions while she took care of his injuries.

Everything was going to be okay, and Chris was happy with that.

[concerning-goth]

He was in an absolute rut yesterday; I spent most of the day getting fucked within an inch of my life. First few hours were filled with the bliss of being used and filled. Then he started pounding me with less and less regard to the point of complete overstimulation and pain as he brutalized my insides trying to do the impossible and fit the entirety of his cock inside me with animal intensity. I started to thrash and wail, fighting with everything I had, but it was useless, he’s over a foot taller than me and can throw me around like a rag doll, and he didn’t react one bit to being covered in dark red scratches and bite marks.

He eventually relented and put me on my leash and took us out to pick up pizza to have in our favorite nature park. Despite the leash he kept firmly in his hand or looped around the gear shift, as we sang along to our playlist of mutual faves my mind managed to drift away from the fact that he hadn’t cum in the last hour or so and how his cock had been visibly darker when he’d tucked it back into his pants, which I knew was a surefire way to tell he was still painfully wanting.

But as we pulled out of the parking lot, he ordered me to spread my legs and start touching myself. As soon as we pulled into the garage at home, his hand went under my skirt before pulling me on top of him, and I started riding him feverishly, so badly wanting to serve despite the fact that taking even just the tip hurt. But when he tried to pull me down further onto him, I involuntarily screamed and the mindless little prey animal I was becoming tried to scramble away, half tumbling into the back seat. He reclined the seat and locked his arms around my thighs so I was uncomfortably bent over the headrest and started viciously devouring my soaked pussy, pulling my leash backwards, until my mind broke again, cumming over and over on his face. He pulled me back onto his lap and pushed back inside, roughly fucking up into me. My cum drunk panting giggles were punctuated by a little shriek with every particularly deep thrust.

We shifted so I was on my back in the back seat, him standing outside the open door, and leaning in he pinned my knees on either side of my head. My legs screamed; while I’m very flexible, they’d spent hours stretched like this today. That strain was quickly drowned out by the agony of him forcefully pressing as far into my swollen bruised cunt as he possibly could. The pain instantly snapped me back from insane, pleasure flooded giggling to sobbing and begging him to stop, but his arms were far too long and strong for me to reach his body to try and hold him off, and my own arms were too well trapped under me to claw at the hands pinning me down.

He raped me in the back of the car for hours, animal lust in his eyes as the light faded from mine. Pain and pleasure had lost meaning, my mind dissociating as I laid there limp and drooling, eyes rolled back and half closed. By the time he was spent, I was a completely empty shell. He had to carry me inside as I was non-responsive and very obviously incapable of walking.

He put me in bed and brought me my favorite hot chocolate protein drink, fixed up with hazelnut creamer just like I like it. As he ran his hands soothingly over my broken body, my ability to think started to return, I was able to stutter broken near-sentences out. “Th- thank- using me- hands touch ok good just no more- please don’t touch -between legs more ok please- yes- genu-genuinely,” remembering to tack on our word to indicate that what I said was real and not to be ignored in cnc play. “Ok,” he said, showering my face and neck with sweet kisses, stroking my hair. “Meds?” “Mmyeshplease. And inside hurt lots, gotta sleep pill too yes.”

…

I began to drift off, the sleeping pill doing its work despite the cramping in my guts and strained hamstrings. I thought it was a dream at first when he caressed my cheek and pulled me by the shoulders to the edge of the bed so my head hung off it. I barely processed it as he rubbed his tip against my slightly parted lips, though I instinctually opened my mouth and positioned my lips and tongue just right.

I may not be able to take his full length elsewhere, but I’ve worked hard to train my throat over the last year to be able to take it all the way, though I haven’t been able to completely suppress my gag reflex. But the combination of being heavily sedated and utterly fucked out and broken allowed him to use my mouth relatively uninterrupted. “Fuck, your throat feels just like a pussy,” he groaned. My back arched, unable to let out the moan around his cock that his praise would usually elicit. He noticed my reaction, and I could hear the smirk in his voice when he said “you said I couldn’t… but nothing’s stopping you from touching yourself. Rub your clit for me.” I mindlessly obeyed, too far gone for reason or self-preservation.

As I became more alert from my own touch, my gag reflex kicked in and I began to choke and struggle. He wrapped one of his hands around my neck and whispered, “shhh… shh… I’ll make it better,” and my consciousness started to fade again as he choked me. I hazily wondered if he could feel his cock thrusting deep in my throat under his hand.

I don’t remember how the night ended, only snippets of memory of my helpless body continuing to be violated, often with my own mindless assistance. Then my collar being gently removed, and being tucked into bed.

[finedinerofmoths]

Actually hold on I can't sleep so let me tell you what I think about Kevin, the smiling god, Strexcorp, and how it all ties together.

(rant incoming)

So! The podcast of WTNV contradicts itself sometimes as to who founded the congregation of the smiling god, and I find it interesting! (I'll try to to source my findings but I'm kinda trash at that so sorry in advance.)

First things first, it was before strex for sure. This is confirmed by the episode with past Kevin and I think a priest of the congregation actually? He talks about smiling, uses friendly language, and overall seems like a happy guy pre-strex in a somewhat similar fashion to during-strex Kevin. Personally I love the contrast, but that's not the point whoops. And after his disconnect with strex, there are still many! people that worship the smiling god.

Here's what I think, and take it with a grain of salt because I hadn't read any of the books or seen the live shows (wiki fandom is my best friend on this), but it seems like the corruption of a religion to further a social/political goal on strex's part.

I refuse to get too political on this but my thoughts on this was the OG religion was positive and harmless, centered around a more spiritual belief of goodwill, optimism, and respecting life (maybe the energy of every living thing via blood and bones and the beauty of just... Life and living thing? Only to turn into a blood and bone fixation? Hm.) Smiling has been proven to help your brain make happy chemicals, and laughing is literally contagious! I read a post that while science is Night Vale's religion, religion is Desert Bluff's science, and I agree. It makes sense that a guy like pre-strex Kevin (as little as I know him) would understand and appreciate these values. Hell, I even think cutting a gaslow smile into yourself could've been an original thing, some religions are like that man, especially not surprising in WTNV.

Strex is obviously sadistic, faux-friendly, manipulative and gaslighting, etc etc etc. It wouldn't be the first time a company or group would use and corrupt a popular religion to seize control, and brainwashing is how cults work! That mixed with torture and meds, no wonder strex employees were so loyal. And they most likely used his own religion (albeit an essentially bastardized version) to condition him. By telling him pain is good (yikes) and "crushing the weak" to paraphrase Kevin himself is all part of this religion HE FOUNDED, they could've easily twisted their own virtues into his. Despite being a prophet, I don't think Kevin has had contact with it for a while now.

However, the smiling god is obviously malevolent, I am not sure about that bit. It either drive him just a bit mad upon first meeting it (valid tbh), it killed him but didn't?? because what is logic in night vale honestly, or somehow tricked him into believing it was a more benevolent presence. Or, maybe he worshipped it because why not, Cecil was totally ready to adhere to the demands of the glow cloud, the distant prince, all of them due to a healthy dose of terror and cosmic fear. Kevin might've gotten luck of the draw.

A thing I don't know yet that's driving me crazy is Kevin met the smiling god via oak door the first time, and it makes me wonder if the desert otherworld is it's domain or something?? And dbt is there now, just thinkin' thoughts about that.

He's shown to be a bit controlling, opinionated and stubborn even before strex (only heartless people don't like cats, Cecil!) and I think strex amplified these traits to terribly negative proportions. As well as using his own trauma, maybe? He compares his father to a thing always watching (in the walls, I think?), the sun to an overbearing father, let's not even mention the burning hot caramel situation. If his father was strict and abusive, it might be easier to say "hey, wasn't that actually a good thing? All that pain, what a great dad!" And turn his brain into a functional positive feedback loop.

Sorry for the whole essay, ack, but I've been thinking about this way too much lately. To summarize, smiling god came first via Kevin, Strex ruined everything as per usual, and religion and science and this podcast are soooo flipping interesting!!!! Okay thanks for coming to my Ted talk, Mothy out

[crimsonwolf715]

Alone No More

(Part 2 of MCU Spiderman Stories)

It’s been about a year since Tony Stark died saving the lives of everyone on the planet. It’s been over three months since the world forgot about Peter Parker. Over three months without the people Peter loves in his life. With his knowledge, fake papers, and a G.E.D., Peter managed to get a job. Poor pay that’s barely enough to live on, but he’s managed. Two weeks until the anniversary of Tony’s death. Peter can work remotely, so he hitched a ride with a co-worker to a town a couple hours away from where the compound used to be. 

Not even three whole days into the drip, Peter gets sick. He curses his bad luck and goes out to get medicine. He walks to the convenience store and grabs two different kinds of meds, just in case one of them doesn’t work. 

“Just these?” the girl at the register asks. 

“Just those,” Peter confirms. 

She gives him the total and he pays. He walks back to the motel. After taking a dose, he gets back to work. He needs to work enough to take the anniversary and the day after off. After working with the ever growing headache for several hours, he decides that he needs some rest. He has trouble falling asleep, but ends up passing out after an hour. 

Peter wakes up to his phone ringing, his ringtone making his head pound. 

He grabs it and answers. “Parker, do you have the presentation for the meeting?” Peter’s boss asks. 

“It’s in your inbox, I sent it last night before I clocked out.” 

“It’s not there, I looked.” 

Peter sighs and sits up. He grabs his laptop and pulls up his email. He checks and notices that he did send one last night, but sighs and resends the email. 

“Can you reload your email and check and see if you got it?” 

The time passes by almost in slow motion for Peter, who feels like someone’s gently beating on his head with a book. 

“I got it. Thanks, Parker.” 

“You’re welcome. Do you need anything else, sir?” Peter asks. 

“Nope, that’ll be it.” 

His boss hangs up, so Peter returns to trying to gather the motivation to start working. He takes more meds and then decides that he might as well start now since he’s awake and his laptop is open next to him. Another day of taking medicine and it doesn’t work, he moves on to the next med. 

His symptoms steadily get worse and the second medicine doesn’t help either. So Peter drags himself out of his motel room and walks to the convenience store. He grabs three more different kinds of meds. He goes up to the front and puts them down. 

The same person that was running the register before is there again. She scans the items while watching the TV. Peter turns his attention to the TV. They’re discussing how he saved a political figure four weeks ago. He saved a car from getting in an accident, but he didn’t know who was in the car. Just that it was about to cause a huge problem. 

“Spiderman saves a political figure. Recap of the story next,” the newscaster says. 

Megan clicks her tongue. 

“Don’t like Spiderman?” Peter asks. 

“That’s not it,” she answers. 

“What is it then?” 

“That political figure is trying to get Spiderman some award and to get him in his pocket.” 

“Oh. I’ve been out of the loop with work and stuff.” 

“Yeah. My thoughts on Spiderman are mixed.” 

“What does that mean?” 

“It means that I think he’s doing good work, but he seems lonely. He doesn’t interact with any of the other heroes and he doesn’t seem to interact with civilians much outside of making sure that people are alright after incidents.” 

Peter sighs, the pressure in his face making the action slightly painful. “He does, doesn’t he?” 

“Yeah, he does. Are these gonna be it?” 

Peter nods. She gives him the total and he pays. 

“I hope you feel better,” Megan says. 

“Thanks,” Peter replies, then walks back to the motel. 

The next days are even worse. Constantly feeling like he’s on the edge of becoming too sick to function but he’s forcing himself to keep on track. To keep going so he doesn’t lose hope that he’ll get better. 

Peter wakes up feeling like he’s dying. His body feels like it’s so warm that he could burn away, his head feels like someone’s pounding on it with a blunt object, and his throat is so sore that it hurts to swallow. 

The medicine hasn’t been helping. If it’s doing anything, it’s making it worse. I’m not gonna get better. 

Peter sighs, even though the action is painful. He tries to grab his phone to call someone, anyone for help. He can’t seem to move his arms, no matter how hard he tries. 

I’m so sorry guys. I thought I could find something to bring your memories back. I’ve been trying to get in touch with Dr. Strange and fix this. I’m sorry I couldn’t say goodbye because you don’t deserve that. I’m sorry Mr. Stark because I wasn’t able to hold your legacy the way that I said I would. I wanted to stay in touch with Morgan and Mrs. Potts, I really did. I’m so sorry. I don’t wanna die here. I wanna live… I wanna see them again. All of them. 

Peter closes his eyes and tries to go to sleep. So hopefully he doesn’t have to be awake if his life does come to an end. 

Happy settles down on the couch of his apartment. He’s heading down to visit Morgan and Pepper at the end of the week, so he doesn’t have to be alone on the anniversary of Tony’s death. He closes his eyes and starts to doze off when he hears something knock over in his kitchen. He gets up and walks in there, and Wanda’s standing in the middle of his kitchen. 

“Wanda?” Happy asks. 

“I don’t have a lot of time, so this is what I’ve got to say. Strange has made everyone that can’t protect their mind forget who Peter Parker is, but he’s in trouble and I can’t get involved. I’m not strong enough yet, but I can give you this,” Wanda says. 

She holds out a stone and Happy takes it. Memories flood into his brain, memories of him and Peter. 

“You said that he’s in trouble, right? Where is he?” Happy asks.

Wanda puts a piece of paper on the table, then shimmers out of view. Happy grabs the piece of paper and an address is written on it. He grabs his keys and jacket, then rushes out of his apartment. Once he gets into the car, he turns the AI system on. 

“Edith, please make believable guardianship papers.” 

“Right away, sir.” 

The drive is an excruciating five hours and when he gets there, it’s a dingy motel somewhat close to where the compound used to be. 

“Is this the right address?” Happy asks. 

“Yes, it is,” Edith answers. “Also I checked the database and there’s nobody under the name Peter Parker. There is a Ben Parker, but no Peter anywhere in the system in the last two months.” 

“Ben was his uncle, so that’s probably the name he’s going under. Thank you, Edith.” “

You’re welcome, sir. Those papers are ready in the trunk for you.” 

Happy gets out of the car and heads over to the trunk. He grabs the papers out and they look real, which is hopefully enough for the person at the front desk of this motel. He walks in and there’s an old man at the desk. 

“Hi, I’m looking for a Parker here. Is he still checked in?” Happy asks. 

“Are you the police?” the man asks. 

“No, I’m his guardian,” Happy says, pulling out the paperwork and handing it to the man. 

The man looks it over for several minutes, then hands it back to Happy. “His ID said he was twenty-three.” 

“He ran away, and his aunt gave me the tip that he was up here.” 

The man hands Happy a keycard. “He’s in Room 26, right down that hall on the first floor.” 

Happy takes the keycard. “Thank you for your help.” 

“No, thank you,” the man replies. “I haven’t seen the kid in days after he looked pretty sick. If I hadn’t seen him before tomorrow, I would have gone to check on him. You’re saving me the trouble.” 

Happy goes down the hall and knocks on the door. No answer, so he uses the card to open the door. He sees Peter on the bed, not moving. He rushes over and barely shakes Peter before Peter opens his eyes. 

“Happy?” Peter asks. 

“Hey, buddy,” Happy says. “Don’t worry, I’ve gotcha. You’re gonna be just fine, I promise.” 

“But you don’t remember who I am. Am I dreaming?” 

“No, you’re not dreaming, kid. I’m here and you’re gonna be okay.” 

“Okay, I’m gonna be fine. I’m gonna be fine. Thank you, Happy.” Peter grabs Happy’s jacket, tears pouring down his face. “Thank you, Happy. I missed you so much.” 

“Hey, I missed you too, kid. I’m so sorry I forgot. I’m sorry.” 

“It’s not your fault. I’m the one that agreed to that, I knew the risk and I took it anyway. I just… I’ve been alone. I thought I was gonna die alone.” 

Happy starts crying and he grabs Peter’s hand. “You’re not dying on my watch, kid. I’m gonna get you to Pepper and everything’s gonna be alright. You’re not gonna die.” 

Peter nods. “Okay. I believe you.” 

Happy helps Peter up and mostly carries him out to the car. After getting Peter settled in the back, Happy drives up to the cabin where Pepper and Morgan live. 

Peter wakes up to the sound of familiar laughter. He feels feverish, but he doesn’t feel like he’s going to burn up anymore. He hears the laugh again and realizes that it sounds like Morgan. Peter feels his chest tighten and tears spring up in his eyes. 

I’m hallucinating. I must be worse off than I feel.  

He opens his eyes and doesn’t immediately recognize where he is. He sits up quickly and his vision swims. He tilts sideways and he feels someone catch him from falling. No spider sense, so no danger. Once his vision stops swimming, he sees that Pepper Potts is the person that caught him. 

“Mrs. Potts?” Peter asks. 

“Hi, Peter,” she says softly. “Just lie back down and everything is gonna be fine.” 

“How…? How do you remember me?” 

“I don’t really, Peter. It’s complicated and I will explain it when you’re feeling better.” 

“I’m feeling fine,” Peter says, his words slurring slightly. 

“Mmhmm,” Pepper hums, gently pushing Peter back down onto the bed. 

“Mrs. Potts?” 

“Yes, Peter?” 

“I’m really sorry. I’m the reason that you don’t remember me and I wasn’t able to keep my promise to Morgan. I’m really sorry.” 

“It’s okay, Peter. You saved the world. That’s all that’s important in that regard. We can figure out the rest later.” 

Peter nods, trying to force the tears away. Pepper stays there, holding Peter’s hand until he falls asleep.

[mothprincess]

i'm so bitter that i didn't have meds and a gluten-free/dairy-free diet in high school 😵‍💫 as depressed as i'll say that i am and do feel at select times, i've been far better overall. it's only a matter of time before i somehow flip the switch and nearly feel like a normal person. i think that getting my exercise more regular again will help because it feels really good. i have a lot of things to do -- at least i'm out of the house more and talk with strangers -- but it doesn't feel impossible anymore. the space that would normally contain looping, dark thoughts is smaller and weaker. it still tries very hard but i feel fit enough to outrun it. i'm comfortable doing lives in front of hundreds of ppl and i can be so eloquent when i'm not dying of anxiety and feeling like i'm going to pass out or vomit. starve the anxiety. it helps to not think about things that are anxiety-provoking and not urgent, if possible. focus on what you can do right now that isn't overly difficult. i was never a present thinker, so i play a timed bell on yt that rings pleasantly every 5 minutes when i want help focusing. i take many notes, as well. or try to, anyway. i have many mini notebooks and regular notebooks, and many pens and pencils that i like. muji ones always suit my taste. i take notes on the meds that i take (maybe a bullet point or two), my period, an idea, something that i have to do, something that i want to remember -- whatever feels useful at the time.

i didn't used to like doing things like this, these slow activities, but they help with my quality of life. life doesn't have to be great but it can at least be ok, pleasurable from time to time, clean, friendly, and honest.

[robotstrategy]

Recalled • Part 6 • 45 - Nero

Previous • Series Masterlist • Part 6 Masterlist • Next

TW: Blood

Nero lurks in the corner of a two-story car park, coated in shadow. She’s got a pepper sprayer in the satchel that hangs around her, she’s not sure why Roland wanted to meet here. She hears flats tapping as Roland makes his way around the corner.

“Well, this is creepier than when Trevor asked me about a parting gift.” She laughs awkwardly.

Roland stops momentarily before finishing his way over to her.

“Oh, sorry that’s probably a touchy subject.”

“Just stop talking.”

“Sorry.”

Roland takes a breath, “Friday I told you that I knew a bad way to let out misery,” He pauses. “I need to tell you what I did.” 

Nero looks around nervously, “Is it bad?”

“Very bad,” He takes another breath, then pauses, he actually paces around a little before continuing. “I, I, one time I pinned a girl set for unwinding to a bathroom wall, and I told her that I’d make sure she’d be unwind-proof for nine months. What’s even worse is that when her boyfriend came in and I told him she had wandering eyes for me, she didn’t, obviously.” He sniffs.

Nero is pissed, absolutely grossed out, but there’s something weird about what he said. “Hold up, if she was set for unwinding, weren’t you set for unwinding?”

“Yes, and?”

Nero becomes less uncomfortable. “Well then that doesn’t matter anymore, your actions before your unwinding have been made null because you’re Modified. I can’t do anything about it, you just have to deal with the burden of those memories.”

“Why aren’t you hurting me yet?” Roland mumbles.

“Pardon?”

“WHY AREN’T YOU HURTING ME YET!? I DESERVE TO BE PUNISHED NERO!” He yells.

Nero is worried and confused. “But it’s not your fault, you need to start thinking about your pre-unwind memories in the third person.”

“Well if you won’t hurt me because of that, then, I also kissed my ex without her permission, does that make you feel anything?”

Nero starts to be annoyed by this nonsense. “Did you do that, or did Roland Taggart?”

“What answer will make you beat the shit out of me?”

Nero turns away from Roland, pressing her index and thumb to her nose bridge. “Roland, I’m not giving you a beating for something you yourself didn’t do.”

Nero hears someone running behind her, she panics pulling her satchel off of herself and wiping it out by the loop as she turns back around. Nero watches in horror as the satchel connects with Roland’s face, it sends him flying against the concrete wall and to the floor of the car park. 

“ROLAND!” Nero screams as she sees blood appear on the concrete from underneath his face. She lifts up his bloodied and bruised body from the concrete. “Now we’re talking,” Roland says shakily, “But, that didn't hurt enough.” 

Nero hastily grabs serviettes and hand sanitizer from her satchel, trying not to punch Roland’s already caked-in-blood face for such a stupid comment. “Oh I think it did, your meds are just still working their magic.”

Nero blots away at his face, neck, and shoulders, it’s not as bad as she thought, but his chin will definitely need stitches. She sees Roland’s eyes widen at the amount of tissues she’s used up. “Don’t worry that’s most of it, now are you done being an idiot?”

Roland nods, Nero places a bandaid on Roland’s chin until she can get it stitched up. “Why did you even want to do this in the first place?”

“Risa.”

“Risa?”

“The girl in the bathroom, she was in my dreams last night, she asked me to get someone to beat me up.”

Nero shakes her head. “Dear lord Roland, your dreams are in your subconscious, Risa didn’t ask you to do jack-shit.”

“I know! But no one ever got justice, so why can’t I give them justice now!?”

“Because Roland Taggart already got karma through his unwinding, now stop feeling sorry for yourself!” She pauses. “You need to let it go, you probably just ruined your weekend because of this.”

Roland finally breaks down, crying into Nero’s shoulder. “It was already ruined.” He cries.

Nero furrows her eyebrows, something’s off, and she suddenly gets very angry. “You and Trevor didn’t break it off like you texted me, did you?”

“He didn’t listen to me, and I was his side piece, he already had a girlfriend.”

Nero sticks to the first thing, her voice turns ice cold. "What do you mean by that? He didn't listen to you?"

"He, he..."

“Did he touch you?”

Roland nods, Nero’s stomach sinks, and guilt practically radiates off of her. She should’ve told Trevor to “bug off” when he asked about a parting gift, and she should’ve never told Roland Trevor was checking him out.

“Nero!” Roland gasps. “Nero you’re choking me!”

Nero loosens her grip on him, “I’m sorry,” She looks into his tear-filled eyes. “Let’s just go have a girls' day, or… something, I don’t really know what a girls' day is.”

Roland emits a chuckle. “I think it’s either going to the mall or having a pamper session and talking shit, I don’t feel like doing the talking shit part though.”

Nero nods, “Let’s just relax at the apartment then, are you okay if I drop you off while I go pick stuff up?”

Roland agrees Nero helps him off the ground, and they start heading out of the car park.

Nero squats to be level with the bottom shelf at the variety store, currently trying to decide whether to get Roland lavender or eucalyptus Epsom salts. 

“Can I help you out with anything?”

Nero looks up at one of the store clerks looking down at her. 

“Just trying to decide which salt to get, do you have any suggestions?”

“I’d go with lavender, eucalyptus is too strong and only really good for plugged noses.” 

“Right, thank you.”

As the store clerk leaves Nero puts the lavender salts and unscented bubble bath into her basket. She looks around to see if she can find face masks when something catches her eye, hair dye. When the nurses had originally shown Sam and Nero the videos of Starkey both of them were horrified. Somehow though, the only thing that stuck with Nero was how well his red curly hair went with his face. Nero looks through the dyes to see if she can find anything similar. Throughout this time Starkey’s hair has been slowly growing back brown and curly under the bleach-blonde cut. Nero does find a similar dye, but she puts it back on the shelf, if she’s going to dye her hair like his then she might as well get it professionally permed at the same time. 

Nero ends up finding face masks on an end shelf next to where she was first looking. Near the checkout, Nero grabs more protein bars and a rubber duck for Roland as a joke. 

Nero gets back to the Apartment, hiding the duck as a surprise. She goes over to Roland’s room, knocking before entering. Nero sighs and goes over to the giant, sobbing lump in the bed, she starts petting it. “What’s wrong this time?” She asks.

“I saw myself in the mirror, I look like a monster!” He cries.

Nero rolls her eyes, smiling to herself. “Oh Roland, c’mon bud, I got you some Epsom salts and bubble bath, why don’t you go relax?”

Roland peeks out from under the covers. “Will you cover the mirror for me?” 

“Of course.” Nero leaves the room as Roland slowly crawls out of bed.

Once Roland is properly in the tub Nero comes in to drop in the rubber duck. “You’re in a city of bubbles and yet you still look mad, you bruting over there?”

Roland shakes his head. “No, I just sometimes look mad when I’m calm.”

Nero giggles. “Oh,” She reveals the rubber duck, placing it in the water. “I got you a little friend.”

The duck floats off towards Roland’s face, tapping it. “It keeps bumping into me.” He states.

Nero smirks, “Yeah, it’s giving you little ducky kisses, ‘cause it loves you.” 

Roland smiles for once. “I love you too ducky.” He even giggles. 

Nero touches her head. “Your hair is growing out.”

He nods. “I’m not opposed to it, but I might keep the sides shaved and blow it out.”

Nero nods back, she then gets serious. “If it’s not too much to ask of you right now, I’d like you to tell me your story of before you got unwound. There’s a catch though.”

“What’s that?” 

“I want you to tell me it in the third person.”

…

“He, I, Roland didn’t make it on the varsity boxing team, so he challenged one of the members, that member was dating Roland’s ex. And to piss that member off Roland kissed his ex.”

“I see.” 

…

“To get Connor’s attention Roland went and sexually harassed Risa, I remember hearing that Roland wasn’t going to do anything, but I only have memories of what happened. I don’t know if he meant to do anything or nothing.”

“Okay…”

…

“Roland was being such an asshole that Connor thought he killed the goldens so he trapped Roland in a metal shipping crate to interrogate him.”

“So that’s why you freaked out the first day I met you.”

“Yeah.”

…

“Roland had had enough of Connor so he outed Connor, and Risa by proxy to the Juvies, all three of them got caught.”

“How’d you get near Juvies?”

“With the Chopper, we were at a hospital because the Admiral had a stroke. Roland never liked the Admiral, he was forced to take him.”

“Ah.”

…

“At the Chop Shop, Roland tried strangling Connor, but he was too scared to end him.”

“Mhmm.”

“And then Roland got unwound.” Roland looks up at Nero.

She shrugs. “Well, now I’ve got a better idea of him. And hey, I don’t think you even noticed, but I made you do a mental exercise.”

“How?”

“You spoke about Roland in the third person, not as yourself, by doing that you can disassociate from him, like you should’ve been doing this whole time.”

“Oh.” 

Nero looks around, most of the bubbles are gone, Nero panics and gets up. “Kaaaaaaayyyyyy, I’m going to get out of here before I see something I don’t want to, are you okay with Chinese takeout tonight?”

Roland shoves his hands between his legs, embarrassed. “Yup, that sounds good.”

Nero gets out of the bathroom, across the room from the door is the table that the bouquet sits on. It brings violent imagery into Nero’s head, of all the ways she could harm and screw over Trevor. She pulls out one of the forget-me-nots, pressing her thumb under the head of the flower she pops it off. 

Nero hears the bathroom door opening, she quickly puts the stem and flower into the nearest garbage.

“Sorry, it was getting cold in there.” Roland laughs, he looks across the room, he then averts his eyes from the vase, his lips pouting. Nero comes over to him, putting her hands on his shoulders. “Tomorrow I will bring him to justice, I promise you.”

Nero sits on the benches with Carter, she glares across the room at Trevor, pumping a weight in her hand. 

“Are you okay?” Carter asks.

“You told me once that you ate bullies for breakfast.”

“Yeah…”

“Well you let a bully get away, and now you’ve got to devour him whole for dinner.”

Justice comes in many ways, whether someone is rightfully convicted, whether the wealth is equally distributed, or possibly whether someone gets the correct treatment. Today, justice comes in fingers shoved so far up someone’s nose that it bleeds and multiple kicks in between the legs.

[camp-counselor-life]

How do/would you handle very serious discussions (i.e. very inappropriate behavior, having brought nicotine or something dangerous to camp, etc.) with CITs/campers?

Asking because I had the nicotine thing happen when I was a CIT (a couple kids brought some) and our counselors arranged a conversation with the camp leader and the people who brought it were allowed to anonymously turn it in because if they didn’t, they’d have to do bag searches.

It all ended up fine, and I thought the approach was good, but I’m just wondering how you would go about having one of these discussions!

So, I think it very much depends on the group or individual, because you really have to tailor those discussions to the group and scenario. That being said, there's a few points you can use to navigate these conversations.

First, get the information from all sources before you get to any conclusion. This mostly applies to group scenarios, like bullying, but try to ask open ended questions and let kids explain their side before reaching a conclusion or coming up with solutions. You'll need as much information as possible. Other sources of information include camp policies, camper info forms, and camper/parent guidebooks.

I say this in another post, but always pause and consider before you dole out any lectures or "punishment" (I'll touch on this later). Think things through, formulate a plant, and figure out what you want to say. Think about outcomes from the conversation that you want, any harms you want to address, and what the issue truly is.

When talking, try to stick with one vibe, and have the level of seriousness match the seriousness of the situation. Don't make it all jokes for harassment, etc. Bring in the team/cabin "contract" (always make a team contract day 1), bring in your organization's mission and guidelines, bring in camp rules, bring in your expectations. If appropriate, you can express how you feel, in "I statements." For example, "I feel disappointed that you did XYZ."

My philosophy on punishment is that there aren't a lot of valid camp punishments. Consequences of a something happening should be rooted in harm reduction (confiscating nicotine without punishment prior to a bag search) and restorative justice (such as with bullying). Fit the consequences for the occurrence, but don't take away from the magic of camp.

Diffuse strong feelings after your conversations and keep checking in on kiddos who were effected most. Try to do some team building, debriefing at the end of the day, or other ways to make your cabin feel like a team again.

It's a tough thing to manage. I always recommend looping in your admin at your camp with serious situations to help you manage everything, especially if parents need to be called/contacted. Best of luck!

Example under the fold.

Let's use the example of a CIT keeping their meds in the cabin when it isn't allowed. This happened at my camp, prior to me being there.

Step 1: CIT reports on their fellow CIT that they have kept their meds past check in.

Step 2: CITs (as a group) have a chat about why medication turn in is required for all campers, including CITs, and staff (if true). Consequences for not turning in meds are laid out for all CITs.

Could go something like, "Hey CITs, it has come to our attention that one or more of you might have some medication in the cabin. Because of XYZ, all campers and staff have to turn in medication. This is for your safety, and the safety of all campers. We want to keep you as safe as possible and we can only do that when there aren't medications out and about. We will give you until tonight at 5 pm to turn in your meds, no questions asked. After that time, we may conduct a search of the cabin to check, for everyone's safety. This is in our camp's policies [if true]. We want to trust you and give you the opportunity to turn in your meds on your own. If we find meds in your belongings that have not been turned in, we will call your parents and have consequences PQR."

Step 3: CITs are offered the chance to turn in meds, followed by a private bag search of those known to be noncompliant accompanied by an admin staff member

Step 4: Possibly call parent

Step 5: Consequences, if any. This could be the phone call home, and the parent chooses a consequence.

Step 6: Debrief with CIT who reported and CIT with meds, separately, in the presence of another staff member. Lots of open ended questions, calm demenor, and compassion. They might be feeling embarrassed, anger, shame/guilt, or fear. Protect the camper's privacy from other group members as well.

Best of luck!

[leafened]

i feel like i’ve made a full 180 from when i was young and a hypochondriac. i used to have OCD and so never could tell what was going on in my body vs what was just thought loops/fears. like i’d get a sensation and try to nail it down and it would disappear or (more often) get amplified. i could never tell if i was hungry and had disordered eating/binge eating issues. i had insane insomnia and couldn’t sleep apart from daytime naps. i would postpone going to the doctor while sick bc i distrusted my instincts (to the point that i def could have died), i was seriously malnourished and couldn’t tell bc i was miserable with or without vitamins. now i am in tune with what my body wants to a degree i never imagined.. i eat according to my cycle (very little first two weeks, medium amount third week, insane amount fourth week), i know what my natural sleep cycle is (11pm-6am), i take advantage of my peak productivity days (ovulating + a couple days before my period), i can tell when my vitamins are low, and i know when i’m getting sick before any actual symptoms set in. i knew i was pregnant within a little over a week even though there was no reason to think i was. not worrying has given me access to the information i needed so badly when i was constantly worried. i wonder what my life would have been like if i’d been put on anxiety meds at a young age. anxiety makes living impossible

[currentfandomkick]

Ways to add angst: have Red Hood see some of his dead men and think Danny is using targeted hallucinations to run away.

Have Ace be one of Danny’s Ghost friends and haunt Batman’s dreams specifically thinking it would help him realize Ellie and Danny are experiments who are managing to have their own life. This is not how that works out and now Bruce is on team Super Soldier Serum.

Damian is Ellie’s rival and is aware Danny was a teen parent. He’s also vaguely aware of Ellie’s hatred for her other parent (Vlad) and assumes Danny’s a transman (in canon his human design has wide hips while ghost has narrow being Damian main evidence) . Dealer’s choice on if that is true or not. What Damian does know is Ellie and her Dad had been experimented on at some point, as Ellie mentioned her other brothers were killed because of her asshole Father (she loved them, and is not forgetting them.) bonus of Damian having seen her take ED before as ‘if i don’t, i could die. My dad found this keeps me from dying, so like, meta diabetes with a side effect of melting instead of comas.”

Damian is fully aware Ellie needs that medicine, and thinks Danny is going to switch it out with this super soldier serum (for other metas) in an attempt to perfect it and profit while taking care of Ellie.

Tim and Oracle find out about Amity Black Out Park and are convinced Danny and Ellie are escaped experiments intent in revenge. Tim thinks Danny is building an army to destroy their previous tormentors, and is all for it. Oracle doesnt trust them not to have intense collateral damage and to not endanger a large number of civilians.

Bonus of Amity Park being in a literal war with GIW and Fentons at the time led by Red Huntress, Tucker and Sam as well as all under 30 residents as active combatants.

Tim goes to check it out and sees an active warzone irl. He does confirm to red hood/Jason the super soldier serum is possible given the active war zone coverup by the gov, but he’s not sure since he’s seen similar injections used on these glowing metas to heal them.

Jason is assuming Danny is bringing that war to gotham or working on making this resistance group more independent.

Bruce is convinced it has to be a super solider serum while Damian, kept put of the loop as no one connected Ellie his classmate to LabCoat, noted her worry as ‘look, the offical meds run out soon and Dad thinks he’s got it covered but… just don’t let then lie if i have a funeral, okay? I’m a menace by choice and will find a way to haunt you if you let them try the whole ‘god has another angel’ stuff.’

So Damian is watching his friend be in a ‘may die soon’ sitch and gets a sample of her meds to Tim. Tim has confirmation the ‘soldier serum’ is also medicine but can’t recreate it. Jason thinks Danny is part of a resistance (Danny doesnt even know its going on) and Bruce thinks Danny is using Ellie as an experiment.

Oracle is the only one doing reg gotham work while Nightwing is only brought up to Damian’s speed as “Grayson how do you comfort a friend who may die as she cannot get the treatment she needs?”

Lots of angst esp if Batman destroys the serum in an attempt to prevent another Ace incident (despite Ace’s warning) while Jason destroyed the notes by accident in a different bust (lab was by a drug dealer and explosions hit danny’s lab. Notes are aflame.)

Damian gets to lose it as they doomed his friend to dying. Ellie is just. Numb. Danny having a break down. Jason feels horrible as he was on the fence before while Batman realizes he basically killed a 12 yr old by destroying her meds because he thought they were a super-soldier serum (they are basically caffine shots for some, IV drip for some ghosts and for liminals its a like getting 100% oxygen for faster healing and more power activation for a few hours).

Damian and Tim work using Danny’s memory and the lab assistant (a ghost of probs scarecrow’s hench) to make a new batch for Ellie in a race against the clock while Danny is trying to spend more time with Ellie as it may be her last few days.

Misunderstandings really really suck

So heres the deal, it's a normal Vivisection AU where Danny had to run away to Gotham after his parents try to kill him, and let's say that he takes Ellie with him too.

They stay there for a few years and after a while they manage to establish a little life for themselves. Danny is running a small Shop that makes them enough money to live comfortably in the apartment right above his Shop, meanwhile Ellie is going to Gotham Metro Academy on a scholarship because she is really smart and they managed to fake some school records for her when they were making themselves new Identities.

(Side Note: Danny is now 26, while Ellie hasn't started aging yet and still looks 12, but she will begin to soon since she just hit her 12th birthday)

Danny also runs a small Ghost Shop out of his store, just selling small bits of Distilled Ectoplasm or Ecto-Infused Treats to the local Ghosts in return for small favors or help around the shop.

But here's the thing. Ellie is still an unstable Clone, even if they did managed to find a reliable treatment in the form of Ecto-Dejecto. But Danny's parents were the only ones who knew how to make that stuff, and the Ecto-Dejecto they stole all those years ago is beginning to run out.

Danny begins to work tirelessly trying to replicate it, diving full on into his Mad Scientist side to try and find a way to make more ED for Ellie. He manages to make some prototypes, but he is nowhere near confident that they are good enough.

He decides to call in some favors from the local Ghosts. He calls the ones he is confident will survive this and asks them to try out his Ecto Dejecto to see if it will work for Ellie, but he does warn them that there will probably be unexpected side effects that they will probably not like.

The Ghosts agree to do it, because in the years that the Fenton's have lived there they have grown extremely attached to Ellie. She is like a little sister or daughter for many of them, they would throw away their afterlives if it meant helping her.

For most of the samples, the ED doesn't work at all. Some of them work for a single moment before cutting out, others don't do anything, and some have crazy effects that affect them for a little while before disappearing abruptly. One guy turned into a Dog, not the worst outcome but not the intended one. Another began to glow brightly and couldn't turn it off, that one lasted for an hour.

They keep testing them, out in the nearby Alley since they don't want to destroy the house or Danny's makeshift Lab, for a few weeks.

They problem comes when they are spotted one night by Red Hood.

...

Jason was crossing the Rooftops while on Patrol. He was going a little farther than his normal patrol range, since he had the time and he wanted to make sure there was no trouble in the nearby areas either.

As he was about to hop from one rooftop to another, he got a weird feeling. It was strange, he didn't feel anything on his skin, he didn't smell anything, he didn't even hear anything, but he somehow knew that there was something strange happening in the nearby Alley. It was like he could sense it.

Peeking over the edge of the rooftop, he saw a group of about 10 people. It was a bunch of strange looking people with green-ish skin, and one normal looking person. The normal looking one was wearing a lab coat, and seemed to be about 25 yrs old. Jason felt like there was something off about that guy, but he couldn't place exactly what. He was holding a box of something in his hand, and talking to the group.

"Ok guys, I'm really confident this time!" He said, "I think one of these may be the one!"

The man placed the box on a nearby Dumpster and opened it up, taking out a strange glowing green Vial. He handed it to one of the Greenish people and watched as they injected themselves with it.

Jason watched as they began to glow slightly before their arms suddenly grew to be longer than they were tall. The Man in the Lab Coat sighed in discontent, before saying "Ok, not that one. But we still have a few to try out!"

Jason watched as one by one the people below injected themselves with the green Liquid, each of them having some strange phenomenon happen to them before moving on to the next. The strange thing was that none of them seemed to be concerned with the changes, just commenting on it felt before moving on.

Finally, they got to the last person in line. As they injected themselves, Jason felt a sense of Anticipation well up in his gut. He didn't know why, but he felt like this was going to he important.

He was proven right as the Man who had injected himself began to glow brightly. Jason was overwhelmed with the sense of Pure Power coming from him. It was intense, he didn't know how, but he could actually feel the man begin to grow stronger and stronger. The feeling was nearly suffocating, but he managed to regain his senses long enough to hear Lab Coat laugh maniacally. He looked over to see that the entire group was enthusiastically high-fiving and fist-bumping eachother, all cheering at the success.

"Hahaha! Yes! Finally!" Labcoat Cheered, "It's done! Once I make some more, we'll be able to-"

The overwhelming power suddenly cut out. It was so abrupt that even the people below didn't speak for some time. They all just stood on slight shock before Labcoat spoke up, "Ok...ok this is fine. All I need to do is take that formula and find a way to make the effect Permanent. After that we're all set." He said, a thoughtful expression on his face, "I think we'll be good to go within a Week!"

The group of people muttered in agreement, and Labcoat thanked them all for a bit before they all began to walk away. It seemed like the meeting was over.

Jason took a moment to collect himself, before deciding to follow some of the group so he could question them. Unfortunately, everybody he followed disappeared into thin air after a short time.

It occurred to him that he hadn't tried to intervene at all. Usually he would have jumped down and beaten them all black and blue for testing drugs right in front of him, but he didn't this time. Why? He also realized that he should have followed the Lab Coat guy first, not waited until it was his last option. Why did he not go after that guy instantly? Why did he hesitate? Was it something to do with that Ominous Feeling that led him to the meeting in the first place? There was just something about the guy that made Jason feel inexplicably sacred of him.

Either way, he needed to tell the others.

Because from what he had seen, a Mad Scientist had been working with a group of Metahumans to create a Super Soldier Drug right there in Gotham, and they needed to stop them.

[100dayproductivity]

10/100.

Do you also get frustrated by having to do stuff like eat? Ugh. I was eating breakfast this morning and annoyed with myself for taking so goddamn long to chew. I think the annoyance actually stemmed from the state of my kitchen. The cereal boxes that are normally on top of the fridge were crowded onto the kitchen table by my elbow. The kitchen table itself was shoved a foot or so farther from the fridge than usual, in order to make room for the fridge to get pulled away from the wall. The vacuum cleaner was sitting on the floor in front of the sink and I kept having to step around it while making breakfast. The reason for this disarray was because I finally picked up some of that putty stuff from the hardware store yesterday to patch up the wall behind my fridge. In order to get to the wall, I have to pull out the fridge. In order to pull out the fridge, I had to remove the cereal boxes from the top of the fridge and shove the table out of the way. I also needed to move the carpet from in front of the door that's next to the fridge. Moving the carpet revealed the accumulation of sandy grit underneath the carpet. I swept that up, then vacuumed. But I'll still need the vacuum to clean up behind the fridge once I pull it away from the wall. Hence why it's still sitting in the middle of everyone's way in front of the sink (by "everyone" I mean "me". And I guess the cat.)

So while I'm sitting there eating breakfast, annoyed with the cereal boxes at my elbow and the vacuum cleaner in front of the sink, I was thinking about how annoying it is to start a project and then have to stop to do things like eat and sleep and eat again. And then I started thinking about the other things I have to also do, like respond to work-related messages, get more cat food, oh and I'm almost out of salt and have started a grocery list of pantry items so I'll have to get those too. And then there's dishes to deal with again. And this is why I have a hard time starting "projects". You take stuff apart and move stuff around in order to do the project, but can't get it done all in one go because of all the other stupid stuff you have to stop and do (like eating!!!) Then you're just annoyed with all the stupid stuff because you just want to get the "project" done. But it seems like you'll never get it done because there's always more pressing priorities! 😮‍💨

Also, I think I messed up my anxiety meds schedule yesterday (I think I took two half-pill doses before noon instead of one half-pill in the morning and another in the evening). My next dose is not scheduled until later this afternoon. The anxiety meds are also used to treat depression and OCD. I don't have OCD but I definitely notice more obsessive-like thought patterns when I miss a dose (not obsessive like weird Fatal Attraction-esque stalker behaviour but just like mildly getting stuck in a mental loop about stupid little things. Like chewing.) So the missed dose is probably contributing to my inability to cope with cereal boxes at my elbow and vacuum cleaner in front of the sink.

Sooo... back to my main point: do you also get this way? Lol. I bet a lot of you know exactly what I'm talking about.

Right. Let's get this party started.

First priority is to shower. (See what I mean about stupid little stuff getting in the way of projects? Ugh 😮‍💨)

Then, my to-do list. Here's where we're at:

To-do:

Pick up polyfill and light bulbs at hardware store. ✓ I finally did this! After that little talk I had with myself yesterday. Patting myself on the back for this small accomplishment 🥇

Look up "best hamstring stretches". ✓ - Proud of myself for following through with this right away! Here's a link to the first site I found that had instructions for exercises to do: https://www.sports-injury-physio.com/post/top-5-stretches-plantar-fasciitis

Wash cat puke off of floor. ✓ Omg, finally got this cleaned up.

Patch up holes in wall behind fridge.

🤬 dishes again 🙄.

Order cat food.

Order groceries.

Homescan. (This requires more explanation but I'll elaborate some other time. Basically it's one of those survey things you can do to earn a little extra cash on the side.)

Fill out mortgage paperwork.

Recurring:

Alternate heat and ice on foot.

Do hamstring stretches.

Roll out knots in leg muscle.

Do Sun Salutation x5

Take inhaler

I actually did all of this yesterday! 🏆 My plantar fasciitis is still flaring up though, so I need to keep at it.

What stupid little daily to-dos are annoying you today??

[theboardwalkbody]

Time to play:Is it Taltz causing my immune system to fail or is it Normal?

Two weeks ago I had sinusitis symptoms. Took antibiotics and it helped.

That same weekend I ended up in the hospital with what turned out to be a bladder infection (which I had 0 symptoms of prior to the extreme pain it ended up causing) and, according to the scan at the hospital I also have a cyst of "significant size" on my ovary which between that and the swollen bladder have been working together to cause chaos.

Plus I got a cold sore. My paternal grandmother got them all the time and passed them to my sister and I as babies and sometimes if I've been sick enough they come out. It's had me in a bad place mentally because of my own personal feelings about it.

Still battling some issues with that despite the antibiotics but now I'm not sure if it's infection or just the cyst.

Now last Friday I woke up with a sore throat and mild congestion. Over the weekend both things have been getting worse.

I couldn't sleep At All last night. I tried going to bed around midnight but my throat was so dry and my sinuses hurt I was too uncomfortable and just kept tossing and turning until about 230. At that point I remembered the window was open and thought maybe the dry air coming in was causing it so I shut it. It helped a little. I wanted to drink something but I've been hesitant since the bladder issues are worse at night and it makes me not want to drink anything.

I tried to do some day dreaming hoping it would lead to real dreaming and it did but only for about 40 minutes.

From 315 to 415 I once again struggled with the intense dry throat and pain.

Now from 415 to 6 I couldn't shut my brain up. Intense racing thoughts and anxiety related to work.

I missed work last Monday because of the bladder stuff. I was in so much pain and had added nausea from the antibiotics.

I was supposed to start a new case today, a new patient's first day with our company. I really wanted this case for a few different reasons and I think it would be a really good fit.

But I've been awake all night, I feel run down, I feel hot, my throat is hurting, my sinuses are burning, I feel so tired.

They said it's OK and to feel better when I called (finally made the decision at like 615 because I was supposed to be up and getting ready to leave for 730) but I feel so guilty. I feel like it reflects bad on me and the company and it's day one and I really wanted this case and I hope they don't take me off it for good because of this and idk.

I spent hours beating myself up over it before I called and now I'm still beating myself up over it. Despite knowing I'd be suffering during a full 8hr hands on shift with the night I had and how I feel in general because of whatever is going on.

So I'm kinda miserable all around.

I keep trying to convince myself it's just allergies. Because the pollen and the blooming trees, and the change of weather, etc. But I took allergy meds and they didn't do anything. I took the 24hr pseudoephedrine and still nothing. I think it's either the sinus infection has come back or maybe it's a new one, or possibly tonsillitis because on Saturday I did have some spots on my tonsils (I get tonsil stones though and because of my cold sore I didn't poke around at them to see if it was stones or not) and they are swollen (which for me is normal anymore but they look extra swollen and red now).

So idk.

Part of me wants to be like que cera, cera

But the bigger part of me (where the anxiety and mental health issues live) is going to beat myself up over today.

My Lola knows I'm not feeling great and I'm upset because, despite the fan being on which she doesn't enjoy, she jumped down from her loop/perch and is laying on the bed with me (she did use the opportunity to scratch the curtain, though). She's going to snuggle with me and then get zoomies. It is prime for zoomies.

[beaopalmoon]

ok. im about to see my psych again. i haven't had an appointment since October and haven't had my meds since November.

i used to be afraid of getting help for my mental health because i felt like it was just going to be a matter of time before i wouldnt be able to get it again.

maybe thats still true. im definitely absolutely miserable when unmedicated but im not a danger to myself. what i have recognized though is that any length of time i can get where i feel moderately well enough to function is worth the trouble.

off my concerta i can't take care of myself at all. i cant think clearly and when i try to, my thoughts just loop around problems i cant solve and don't have an answer to. i get overstimulated any time there's more than one sound happening at once. i have barely been able to sleep.

i still need to try and apply for county healthcare, its just that every time i look at the paperwork, i get horribly discouraged. ive not had any good experiences with TX federal anything, but i know that i am worth getting help. advocating for myself is hard no matter what im dealing with but i will do my best...

Edit:

burgh. so while im getting assessed before the psych appointment, the receptionist tells me she just got a message from the doc saying he cant make it in today 💀 soonest appointment that he has available is March 1st.

BUT i asked her to request he fill my prescriptions when he can, and i am able to stay and see my therapist today instead. i havent been on T either so i hope i dont cry ORZ

[iatrophilosophos]

(Lmk if you don't want me screenshotting ur tags/saying this next to it i just think this part is important. All future "you"s in this post are @ a general hypothetical reader, not @ you previous poster specifically.)

Neuroleptics is a huge frog boil. I think for a lot of ppl there is a wave of initial relief with the prescription cuz like, most people do get on these meds when they're feeling super fucked up & i think there is a ton of value in the like, neurological shake up to get into a different bodymind frame and start functioning different. And then, for me and a lot of ppl I've talked to, there's the numbness but there can also be 0 emotional memory: i.e. when i was on neuroleptic medication, every feeling was the *only* feeling i had ever felt. I had extreme lows in my daily life, at school, etc but in my nice quiet psychs office, I had nothing to report. Then, there's the fact that these medications cause withdrawals, plus feeling anything again can be super overwhelming. So you get the really classic loops and spirals/"unstable psycho behavior": hate ur meds, build up a bunch of antispsych thoughts, go off, don't process withdrawals well, get into a hole, get hospitalized or face pressure from family/friends/society at large, go back on, feel better for a little bit, start defending psychiatry really hard...rinse and repeat.

So! Alternatives and ~harm reduction~:

If you or someone you know decided you do want to take neuroleptic drugs, it's a really really good idea to set intentions to monitor side effects OUTSIDE of your relationship to your prescriber. Note when you feel like shit, note when you feel HAPPY, make a low effort chart with checkboxes for every day/incident, short form journal, long form journal, make a drawing every day, take a picture every day--whatever is easy and you can look back on to actually assess if this relationship to this drug is doing something you actually want in your life.

WITHDRAWALS ARE REAL. If you're currently taking, have taken, or are considering neuroleptic medication: your experience when you first go off meds or miss a couple days Is NOT "who you are" or what you can expect from baseline w/o the meds. It is an EXTREMELY GNARLY WITHDRAWAL. There's an OK harm reduction guide to coming off psychiatric medication i can send a PDF to if anyone wants to dm me their email (the only actual link I've found for it is paid :/). It's more oriented to antipsych 101 than actual medical info/support but it's ok.

Consider: trying almost anything else before taking neuroleptic medication. There is not really anything that's guaranteed to make you stop hallucinating, which can suck. However; that doesnt mean you will forever feel like shit, or that you can't make changes such that hallucinations are either a lot less likely and/or a lot less intrusive. The now mostly-defunct mad liberation movement has generated a bunch of wonderful narratives and discourse around this topic i highly reccomend delving into to find ideas and practices that might be good. you can search for archives of "mad liberation" "psychiatric survivor" and "anti psychiatry movement" newspapers which are also just super cool to read; you can look up the archived old website for the Icarus Project (search "icarus project archive" sry I'm on mobile); and Project LETS is an extant us college-centric group that might have useful resources. On the materials and practices side:

I'm an herbalist so I'm p much always gonna head towards herbalism; but i think there's some real benefits here in that herbs are 1) cheap 2) not controlled substances (unless you're in aeoteroa, apparently?) 3) many have extremely low if nonexistent potential to cause withdrawal (notable exceptions: kratom, kava) 4) most are metabolized very quickly (within an hour) and wear off within several hours; giving you a large amount of flexibility and control, and 5) there's a lot of good evidence even if youre science-only (kinda an L but you do you.) The Psychpharmacology of Herbal Medicine by Marcello Spinella is a somewhat dated but solid source you can find a free pdf of by Googling or looking on libgen or Anna's archive; find preparation directions in James greens Home Medicine Makers Handbook available in the same databases. It is important when assessing chemical tools like this to think outside the box and more granularly about what kinds of effects might be beneficial situation to situation in Your Specific Life than seeking some sort of "herbal antispsychotic", which does not exist.

Other good options: ruling out vitamin B and D deficiencies, introducing variation in your life or making major life changes (that might sound weird but IMO, starting a long term relationship with a powerful, withdrawal causing psychoactive drug Is In Fact ALSO a major life change!), dropping shrooms or acid, literally just start walking around where you live and see where it takes you, stay at a friend's house for a little bit and learn to navigate a new environment, uhhh in the past when I've been super fucked up in my life I've Literally just gone to like dollar tree and gotten as many foods that I've never eaten before as possible and it helped a lot more than it might sound like it would

Like basically do whatever you want forever and if any of this sounds stupid or terrible like...don't do it... but don't let the establishment fool you into believing your options are suffer with drugs or suffer without them and DEFINITELY don't accept the narrative that it's better to be numb, miserable, and riddled with physiological side effects but managable-for-society than it is to feel alive while insane, abnormal, and unable to live a normative life.

what is your opinion on anti-psychotics then?

that's a misnomer; neuroleptic drugs don't combat a singular biological state of 'psychosis' because there is no such observed or biomarked state. neuroleptics don't have good evidence for their efficacy in actually improving patient outcomes, and are known to cause a range of serious short- and long-term (including permanent!) side effects ranging from metabolic dysregulation to movement disorders (neurological damage) to sedation (they have previously been known as 'major tranquilisers').

on principle i think people should be able to use psychoactive substances of their choosing; in practice i think this is basically a moot point in regards to neuroleptics because the side effects are so common and severe, and the benefits so minimal. these are drugs that continue to be popularly prescribed because they make patients more 'compliant' -- ie, because our current social–economic situation is so profoundly hostile to variation in perceptions of reality that we render people more 'functional' when dangerously medicated into submission.

i also collected a few readings on this here.