#before feeling really bad and scheduling shit for myself again

[palossssssand]

Quick vent/rant post on art

Maaan I know that art output has no bearing on my “worth” as an artist but I wish I could be putting out more original stuff. It’s like the art juice has run out. But more specifically, it’s that all of the recent stuff I’ve been drawing has been commissions and I feel like it’s been affecting my drive to make art for myself. More and more lately, I’ve been seeing my old art ideas as a chore to do because I’ve been putting them off to do once my commissions finish. Unfortunately, I kind of have commissions open all the time because I’m unemployed and still looking, and I will take what I can get. It sucks getting into this slump, especially when my output was really high at the “peak” of getting into Splatoon, and I know this is a familiar pattern but it really sucks to consciously feel like “Oh no! It’s happening again! I’m losing my touch!!”

This is probably the sign for me to try to do stuff like studies where the pressure isn’t on me to come up with original art ideas. It’s been really difficult to force myself to do art because I keep having the nagging feeling that I “should” be doing something “more important” so instead I do neither and open up The Sims

[the-bluestreak-cat]

My extremely personal red flag is if you’ve never lived independently.

Do not open tags it’s just a personal vent and I hit the tag limit (30) and that’s never happened to me before ajskdlf

[ghoulangerlee]

Dew's wearing a boot and he's so brave about it!!!

spreading the copiamountaindew agenda again w/ this one. not proofread so if you spot anything pls lemme know I'll be back after I sleep pls forgive me my brain has been fuzzy since my car accident last week!!

----

There's very little time on the road between shows for comfort, but Dew makes the most of it, sprawled out on the couch with his injured foot propped up in Mountain's lap—stabilized between several pillows, one of them being a memory foam one that someone on the crew had picked up shortly after the incident.

Mountain, to his credit, doesn't move all that much, easily keeping the ice pack held over the worst of the injury while the bus continues to putter down the road to their next destination.

Every so often, one of the girls or Rain will bring him a new ice pack when his has gone warm and melty, and Aeon's been pretty great about keeping him held to his medication schedule—nothing too heavy, just ibuprofen and Tylenol on their show days, but there's a promise of something more to help him sleep when they're not stuck on a cramped bus and they can rest in a hotel after tonight's show.

It's not exactly how he'd expected to spend a new tour but well—he's here now, and there's no take backsies.

"Phone's been buzzing," Mountain murmurs, pulling him from his light doze, his hand warm against Dew's bare shin, "Probably Copia calling to check on you again. Might wanna get that." He squeezes gently, a fond smile tugging at the corners of his lips as he speaks.

Dew snorts softly, but picks his phone up from where he'd dropped it on the table by the couch, face down and out of the way after his last dose of medication, "Definitely C," he says with a shake of his head as the screen goes dark at the tail end of a call, "Should I call him back or just—"

His phone lights up again, Copia's name splashed across the front, and with a fond shake of his head, he swipes across the screen and answers it, "You're on speaker, C," he says, mostly as a warning, he doesn't really care, neither does Copia—everyone with the exception of V's ghoulette have shared Copia's bed in some capacity, so there's no secrets between them, but he likes warning him anyway.

"Dewdrop," Copia says over a burst of static, "How are you feeling?"

Dew hums, glancing down at his foot propped up on Mountain's lap, "Like shit," he says, "But ready to be off of this bus and at the next venue at least. We have at least thirty more minutes before we're there."

"Ahhh yes the long travel," Copia says, there's something in his voice, a wistfulness that Dew can pick out that sounds almost like longing, "Tonight you'll have a break, yes? It's only a couple of days before you need to get on the road again but I made the schedule for the tour and I remember giving you at least two full nights to sleep in a bed so I expect you to do that."

Dew snorts, "Well I'm definitely not going sight seeing," he says, "Strict bed rest orders when I'm not working. According to the doctor at least."

The line goes quiet for a moment, and then, "How bad is it really?" Copia asks, his voice soft and careful.

"I'm probably doing myself no favors by being on it," Dew says finally, glancing at his foot, there had been some bruising at first, but now he knows it's gone, most of the superficial stuff cleared up by Aeon's magic—the fractured bone however, still present despite everything else. "But the boot will help, people continue to do things with fractures all the time. I'm icing it and wearing the boot. Elevating it when I'm not wearing the boot. I've got people around me taking care of me..." He trails off, bites his lower lip, "I'm probably going to talk to V about shoes with more ankle support though."

Copia huffs on the other line, "Fucking V," he mumbles, "I'm really glad you're alright Dewdrop." He says softly. "When I'd heard you were injured...I was so worried."

"Gonna take more than shitty shoes to take me out, babe," Dew teases, and then, softer, "I miss you. Not having you on stage kind of sucks."

That makes Copia laugh a little, "I'll pretend like I haven't seen photo and video evidence of you having the time of your life on stage and accept that for the romantic declaration that it is," he says teasingly.

Dew goes to open his mouth, to say something, but there's a sound in the background, something he can't quite make out, and Copia's voice coming back over the line.

"Duty calls," he says dryly, with a sigh, "I'll talk to you later, you rest some more. I love you."

Dew hums, presses his head back into his pillow and closes his eyes, feeling a rush of longing and want all of a sudden, "I love you too," he says, "Call me tonight after the show?"

Copia laughs, low and warm, "Of course I will. You and Mountain both."

The call disconnects shortly after and Mountain squeezes his shin again as the two of them settle for the rest of the ride to the venue.

-

They're about forty minutes late to arrive due to several factors that Dew's not aware of, but his foot aches when he finally fits the Velcro straps of the boot back around his leg and foot properly and he leans most of his weight on Mountain when he stands.

They don't necessarily have to get off the bus here, but he's going a bit stir crazy and needs to move around now before he bites someone's head off. Besides, he needs to talk to his guitar tech about a few things anyway, so he lets Mountain loop an arm around him as they take the steps off the bus one at a time, the bottom of the boot thunking heavily against the metal with each step he takes.

He's only a little out of breath when he gets to the bottom, taking a moment to lean against Mountain with his eyes closed to just breathe before they begin the trek towards the inside when he hears a stutter in Mountain's breathing.

"Big guy?" He asks, frowning, blinking his eyes open and looking up at the earth ghoul who's staring straight ahead with a look on his face that Dew can't quite place.

Mountain blinks several times until his eyes go a bit red rimmed, glamored face screwing up into something unreadable before he's wrapping his arm tighter around Dew and using his strength to all but haul the shorter ghoul forward, half lifting him from the ground as he does and when Dew finally looks in the direction that Mountain's looking it all falls into place because—

Oh.

Oh.

Copia's standing there.

He's wearing his stupid red tracksuit, looking rumpled and tired and like he just got off of an airplane flight, duffle bag sitting at his feet, but he's there.

Mountain's barely placed Dew firmly back on his feet before he finds himself sandwiched between ghoul and not-quite-human, wrapped in a tangle of arms as he feels Mountain curl protectively around the two of them, Copia's face nudging the underside of his jaw where he's trying his best to bury himself in his embrace.

"What are you doing here?"

Dew asks that, it's his voice that says it, something choked and not at all normal sounding as he worms his arms under Copia's jacket so he can get as close as he can without being indecent.

Copia doesn't answer at first, just breathes in a few times and then, "I needed to see that you were okay."

And oh.

Oh.

Dew squeezes him tighter, presses his face into Copia's hair, "I missed you so fucking much." He whispers.

Mountain makes a wounded noise around them, "How long are you here for?"

"A few days. Officially, I'm checking in on a few things. Making sure everything is going smoothly. Unofficially, I'm here for you two. To see you, to spend time with you." Copia finally pulls back enough so he can look at the two of them, there are tired lines around his eyes, a redness to them, "I missed you both so much, I was planning to come out later on, but..." He trails off sheepishly, "I've never been good at not being impulsive when it comes to matters of the heart."

Dew laughs then, cups his hands around Copia's cheeks and pulls him into a solid kiss, revels in the feel of his mouth for a moment—a long moment as everything melts away, just the feeling of being surrounded by the two people he loves the most.

When he pulls away, Mountain swoops in too, kisses Copia as well, shorter and less intense, and Dew watches as the two of them trade soft pecks over his shoulder for a few moments, everything almost perfect except for the pain making itself know in his ankle.

He lets it come to a natural end though, leans most of his weight off of his injured foot and onto Mountain until they pull apart, twin flushes on their cheeks, "As cute as you two are, we should probably head into the venue."

Copia leans in and kisses Dew once more, a fleeting and soft thing before he's untangling himself and picking up his duffle bag, "Let's go then," he says and then together, Copia and Mountain move to support Dew's weight more evenly.

The walk into the venue isn't too terrible between the three of them, Dew feels lighter, having Copia there, close again, he feels more complete, as cliche as it sounds, and when Copia drops him off with his guitar tech with a promise to be back once he's properly dressed, pressing a fleeting kiss to his glamored forehead—right between where his horns would be, he feels like tonight's going to be a good night, despite everything.

[consolecadet]

Tips for freshly diagnosed celiac-havers

Someone I knew asked me for advice after getting diagnosed with celiac. I gave her some. I might as well share them with you as well!

I am not a doctor, and not your doctor, I'm just some guy with celiac disease. Ask an actual doctor for help with medical decisions. I'm in the northeastern United States, so you might have to go hunting for equivalent resources if you live elsewhere.

Are you done with testing?

If you had a tTG-IgA blood test with an elevated result, or a doctor just told you you have celiac, but you have not gotten a biopsy via endoscopy to confirm your diagnosis, WAIT! You may not want to stop eating gluten quite yet. You have to be eating gluten for the biopsy test to work.

It is not fun to stop eating gluten, start feeling better, and then have to start eating it again just to prove that you really have celiac disease.

Your choice in this area is personal. If you know you're going to have to wait years to get an endoscopy, it would probably be healthier and more pleasant to stop eating gluten now and then do a "gluten challenge" for a few weeks before your endoscopy.

If it's unlikely you will ever get an endoscopy (too expensive, inaccessible, phobia, etc), there's no point in waiting for something that may never come -- just stop eating gluten now.

But if you can schedule an endoscopy for a month or two from now, it's probably best to keep eating gluten until the endoscopy. Sorry.

Please eat food. Like, enough food.

The most important tip I got early in my diagnosis is that if you stop eating gluten and you start feeling crummy -- dizzy, cranky, tired, etc -- it's not because you're going through "gluten detox" or some shit. It's because you're hungry!

It's easy to accidentally start eating way less when you start eating gluten free. A celiac diagnosis can make you want to avoid eating because food feels scary and stressful. Cutting a major ingredient from your diet without knowing what to replace it with can also leave you undernourished.

You really need nourishment when you are recovering from celiac! Your body need energy from food to use on healing your intestines. If you've lived with celiac for a long time, you probably have vitamin deficiencies you're trying to bounce back from. The emotional difficulty of adjusting to a new diagnosis is also much easier to face if you're not starving.

All of this advice applies equally regardless of body size. Yes, even if you are very fat. If you're hungry, eat.

Where to find information about gluten-free food

The gold standard for basic celiac info is celiac nonprofits. There's a ton of info about celiac disease and the gluten free diet on their websites. I recommend:

Celiac Disease Foundation

Beyond Celiac

You know what's not a legitimate celiac nonprofit? Gluten Free Society. Do not listen to anything GFS or its founder Peter Osborne have to say. Osborne is not an actual doctor, nor is he doing actual nutrition science. He is a chiropractor (i.e. quack) so bad that his state's board of chiropractors threatened to revoke his license. Don't let anyone tell you celiac means you can't have corn!!! Truly, wtf @ this guy.

Google's AI summaries for searches like "Is XYZ food gluten free" are often inaccurate (because they pick up sites like GFS). I always click through to the source to be sure. "Is XYZ food celiac safe" sometimes gives more useful search results.

I also like this presentation "I Have Celiac" for a super in-depth guide to having and living with celiac. The OP made it to show to loved ones to explain their deal, but it's so thorough that I found it helpful for myself when I got my diagnosis.

I want to buy food that's safe for celiac...how do I do that?

You should be able to find gf food at any supermarket. The selection of baked goods and processed foods may be lacking, depending on where you live, but produce, raw unmarinated cuts of meat, and other whole foods like milk and eggs are generally safe even if not labeled gf.

A lot of supermarkets have an indicator on the price labels to help you -- for example, at Stop and Shop, the labels on the shelf have an orange circle that says "gf" in it under foods that are gluten free. It's best to check the packaging too, since Stop and Shop sometimes gets it wrong!

Something that says "gluten free" or "certified gluten free" on it is safe for celiac*. Something that doesn't say "gluten free" on the packaging may also be safe, so long as it also doesn't contain wheat, barley, or rye, or have a wheat allergy warning under the ingredient list. Here are some tips for what to look for on ingredient labels.

Labels can get real complicated real fast, so just use your best judgment. It's okay if you don't get it right 100% of the time. The goal when living with celiac is to reduce gluten exposure as much as possible, not to hermetically seal yourself in a deep well where a single molecule of gluten can never possibly reach your tongue. You, and only you, get to decide how much exposure risk you're comfortable with.

My favorite grocery store post-diagnosis is Wegmans. My nearest one is a bit of a hike, so I don't go that often, but it's such a treat when I do. Wegmans has a huge gluten free aisle with gf staples and fun snacks, plus lots of food items that can be harder to find gf, like fresh pasta and baked goods.

I also like the online health food store iHerb for finding new gf snacks and ingredients. You can filter the whole store by dietary needs, so you can also find gf skincare/makeup items and supplements if you want. I have a discount link for 20% off: https://secure.iherb.com/rewards/rewards-program?rcode=DRO2876

The best way to find restaurants that can accommodate celiac is Find Me Gluten Free. It's essentially a gluten-free Yelp. People use the site/app to review of restaurants for 1) what cross-contact precautions the restaurant takes and 2) crucially, if the food was good!

Gf food can be expensive, ngl. The National Celiac Association has advice for how to save money on gf food, including a database of food pantries that set aside gf food for people who need it.

GF ~influencers~

If you want to follow some people who Get It, I like:

Phil Hates Gluten (on IG, TT, and YT) has EoE (another gluten-related autoimmune condition). He reviews gf food and restaurants and makes silly videos about the gf experience.

Robyn's Gluten-free Living on YouTube has gf baking videos and advice about traveling, eating at restaurants, saving money on gf food, and more.

Here on Tumblr, @gluttonysansgluten and @certifiedceliac (and I would love more recommendations for celiac related Tumblr accounts!)

Having celiac is really hard. But it does get easier.

I felt overwhelmed and honestly kind of doomed when I got my celiac diagnosis. For the first few months I felt like I couldn't trust any food and I was going to be totally excluded at all social events forever. It sucked. But then I got a lot of practice figuring out which foods were safe for me, advocating for myself at restaurants and when my friends were planning get-togethers involving food, and now things are really not that bad. And I feel way, way less sick.

If you feel overwhelmed or don't know how to interpret the 1 million sources online telling you what's gluten free, I really recommend seeing a dietician. Your best bet is a weight-neutral or HAES dietician who mentions celiac somewhere on their website or online profile. You can generally count on those folks to give you practical information about how to live with celiac, as well as emotional support as you adjust to what is probably a pretty big and stressful change in your life and how you view yourself!

You got this!

*Please do not talk about Cheerios on my post. Make your own.

[fromdarzaitoleeza]

Hii ( this is a scheduled post )

If you are reading this now just know that this was written 3 days ago, i have been doing terrible in all aspects of life ( in Everything you can possibly imagine = family, love , friends, career , mental/physical health etc) .

I hate to admit but things are really dire and have been traumatic from a couple of months now, when i say traumatic I mean the real shit like real !

So much of the time has passed ever since i have been trying to battle everything in my life , and i have been carrying myself all this time while I reached my exhausted self long long ago ( this is coming from a person who doesn't give up or who never easily gives up on anything)

I would need a break from everything while I search for myself , and get over the voices in my head and flash backs of all the trauma which wakes me up in the middle of the night with rage, i don't even feel safe where i stay currently i genuinely hope sooner I will be able to change it.

I carry so much rage and grief inside me , which is eating me up from inside, more rage than grief or more grief than rahe I am not sure which one is true ,I can't even properly keep this text to one topic it's a combination of so many things that has led me to this state .

I used to achieve so much as a child and teen i don't know how things got so bad overtime and now i am failing at everything as an adult and even Falling apart ,time has passed so quickly i can't accept it .

I hope the next time I come back online to this site I will be much better, in case you ever miss my poetry or work , a mutual from here takes care of my instagram and posts it ( I believe she would be able to keep it active for a while ) !!!

I will take a break from everything and have some time away from everything , i can go on living without having access to the phone for a couple of weeks i have done this before hopefully I will be able to do it again !

Thank you for always hearing me out, the amount of love i received on Tumblr is so massive 💗🫂, i have never been loved so much anywhere else as I have been loved by people here 🙏Your anon texts have helped me to keep moving from time to time !

“i have spent all of my life trying

Trying not to lose my last hope ”

[scopophobia-polaris]

Hello, it's the new year and I haven't been...talking much for a long time.

As I've stated, I've had multiple health scares this year, and I -goddamn this is too formal, I dont like to talk about myself much, I'd rather keep things to myself, but I'm currently taking multiple meds for a formal diagnosis, right now I'm being treated for Bipolar. Turns out there was something up. I aint really afraid to talk about it, I mean lots of people get treated for many things and it's normal.

This was uh.....scary for me, I figured something was up and I mean I'm fine now but DAMN first 15 minutes of hearing that? Nasty. Lot of things that are super personal tied to just a lot of shit yada Yada I feel like shit for just being nonchalant about this but I don't know what else to do, I'm taking care of myself and trying to fix my life up.

But now that I'm getting to a point where I'm more stable, I'm starting to feel more ....me? Genuinely, it's gonna take me a long time to make myself get into a solid schedule, I dont think I'll ever have one, maybe the slight one i have now, but atleast I don't feel like I have 0 control over my life at this point.

Idk man I had some kind of control but I don't know...who am I kidding. I feel like a new person. I feel better, my body doesn't hurt as much.

I don't know if being a new person is a good or a bad thing for me but uh...idk idk idk maybe I kept reading through my scripts and realized something.

Anyways, now that I know when to take the meds so I can draw, I've been back to just? Drawing and having fun?

Really living by this its why I'm not online much, if I aint having fun what's the point.

BUT now I get to the uh...other shit.

So because of the meds stuff and all kinds of shit mostly......IM ABOUT TO LOSE INSURANCE...... and I've done a few things.

For starters. I'm setting up a patreon, I'm going to do it so that it would only charge when I make a post of 5-10 pages of the comic, I'm gonna get through my first half of chapter 4 before I ever even think if taking anything from ANYONE, so no monthly just for specificposts. Quite ffrankly, I do not like money, like in a way of it makes me nervous and I want people to get a bang out of their buck because I'd I don't make it good is it worth it????

tWO......I don't like advertising, I never did, I probably should of said I have them last few plushes during December (like everyone around me was saying to do and YET....there is less then 10😭) but I wanted people to be spending money on something worthwhile. Hell I mean, it's guilt, its massive guilt, there are people more in need and NOW MORE THAN EVER.....so to not feel like a thief, anyone who gets this critter here, I will donate a solid 30USD out of each purchase to a family in Gaza in need, of your choice of course. I need to pay for shipping but whatever else is left I will donate the rest. That should leave me around $40 on each plush and that's fine, I'm gonna save it for meds because when I go uninsured idk how long it's gonna be, maybe a bit maybe a while, I dont know yet but I wanna provide aid in some way. Like ceasefire don't mean shit until it's permanent, and I don't trust Israelis to hold true to any promise. So I want some of that money to atleast help SOMEONE. Because in the end I know I can get by but.

But my wife is the only person with a job.......😬😬😬😬😬

Besides all of that I'm sorry I haven't uploaded pages or drawings or anything, I wanna have a better relationship online, like I did when I was younger, when it was just fun and I had my own corner, maybe that'd nostalgia but I'm getting sick of social media, and maybe I don't wanna be walking on eggshells because of fandom whatever. So I will be trying to do more in the future, I hope yall have a good day.

And thank you again for all the patience with my slow ass 😭

[voxaholic]

Been obsessed with @redladydeath’s RAM au that I end up writing a little scene set in that au.

Val’s on Voxsitting duty because it’s a bad day for Vox and he has feelings about it. Enjoy.

On “good” days Vox could hold a semi-normal conversation with enough ease that if someone didn’t know any better they’d be able to pass him off as just weird. Today was not one of those days.

Something had set Vox off earlier and that had triggered the start of one of Vox’s “really fucking bad” days. The type of day where either he or Vel had to cancel all their shit because the last time they’d left Vox alone during one of these days they’d come back to Vox with his claws through his own screen trying to find a human face through the shattered glass. 

Currently, Val had Vox in bed with him and not in a sexy way, in a “Vox needed someone physically holding him so he didn’t vibrate out of his own skin and crash the power grid” type of way.

Two of Valentino’s hands were wrapped around Vox’s waist, while the third was held in Vox’s two much smaller hands. Vox was fiddling with his rings, twisting and pulling them half off before sliding them on again. At least he was easy to entertain like this, like jingling keys in front of a fucking toddler, hah fucking hah.

His final hand held his phone which was serving as a frankly shitty distraction from the fact that Vox only let him hold him like this when he was too out of his mind to remember that he “wasn’t some kind of fairy.” He hated the complicated ugly feelings that aroused in him. Val didn’t do complicated, didn’t like to. He was a simple guy with simple feelings, or he would be if this whole shit with Vox hadn���t turned their afterlife upside down in the worst way possible.

Vox was babbling, had been for awhile, but it was only when it felt like the feelings in his chest were going to overflow into something destructive did Valentino tune back in to whatever bullshit he was on about now.

“—they did manage to capture one alive though, down in Cali, in 1954—no 1955. Only on display for a day though, didn’t get the chance to see for myself, couldn’t fit it in my schedule. Beautiful creatures, Great White Sharks, not meant to be caged, don’t do well in a box. Understandable, going from the whole ocean to a tiny tank, I reckon it’d drive me up the walls too,” he rambled with a little chuckle at the end that was so unfairly close to sounding like the laugh Val remembered.

Inexplicably, Val felt a bit like he might cry. In lieu of doing anything that fucking embarrassing, he crushed his phone to a mechanical pulp hoping for a similar feeling of catharsis to no avail.

[leslie057]

penbleed;

pairings: jonathan/nancy

rating: light teen (swearing + mild sex references)

word count: 2.4k (chapter 1)

read on ao3

@jancyweeks day 1: history - her diary as a personal history + a bonus history test incident

𝒩𝑜𝓋𝑒𝓂𝒷𝑒𝓇 16, 1984

—

𝑀𝓎 𝓆𝓊𝑒𝓈𝓉𝒾𝑜𝓃 𝒾𝓈 𝒽𝑜𝓌. Actually, how do you forget an exam? Actually. How did I forget? And it’s not even that I forgot, it’s that I never knew. I am still so mad but not as mad as I was. Genuinely have no clue why we were not given verbal reminders for that history test. That stupid little secret of a test, that fucking sub rosa fucking social experiment of a thing to see who looks at her minuscule writing under the date on the board every day! Just tell us. Need it. Out loud. This is crazy arrogant and borderline disgusting of me to say, but she doesn't have a better student than me and I deserved better. It was like a setup. Of course I was taking notes, of course I was listening, of course a lot of it was prior knowledge. It’s the history of America and I’m not an idiot. I just thought a test would be coming up after the break, not before.

I mean it’s all been worked out now, though. 

But it makes me upset, because where was my head? No, I know where it was, my head was here with me. I was simply using it for its escape function. Wild how my ears can be turned on, and my pen will be going and going and going in perfect time with the lesson, but mentally I’m reliving whatever I want to relive. Or don’t want to relive. I’ve been like this since last year. Stuck inside my skull and cannot climb out. Don’t wanna climb out because sometimes I need to be there, it’s nice in there. Sometimes not nice. I brought this up to Jonathan, he said yes he does understand. Shocker. The difference is he’s been in his head for the last sixteen years, and he doesn’t continually think all the awful things that I think. He’s good and decent and he’s sweet and he’s built a strange, adorable habitat up there for song lyrics and checklists and worries. He does so much in one day. I don’t love his work schedule. Working on Friday nights, God. Then at home he does, like, budgeting and reads their bills and shit? I wouldn’t have time to steep in hate for Mrs. Kincannon, either. (He doesn’t hate her. That’s me.) Not that he’s dealing with his trauma or whatever, our trauma, I don’t know, he isn’t. Still, because his many responsibilities burn up the majority of his mental energy, he doesn’t seem to follow the spirals I follow. At least not when the sun's out. He’s a dramatic pessimist, my dramatic pessimist, oh that was fun to write, but I would assume his internal voice has more of a filter mechanism than mine. Could be a self-preservation thing. 

Who knows. But, yeah, neurogymnastics. Neurogymnastics to get me through my day. Each week is a series of extreme highs and extreme lows, lows that I just administer my fantasies to until something new happens. It’s good in the moment. Later I realize that I’ve missed things, spaced out, fell short, and I get all guilty. I feel hypocritical. I’ve fought for my life, why am I not training myself to live it well again. I’m rushing through things because they’re hard. I want to be successful, and this is not the path to success. The pressure is off me and yet all over me. Maybe I shouldn’t care about school, knowing what I know about the flimsiness of this dimension’s edges. Sounds clinically insane. Not ever going to be sure what to do with the fact that I’ve seen a parallel plane, that I was really there. I wish I didn’t care about school. I do care less about it than I did freshman and sophomore year. My grades are forever important to me, but there’s currently a big disconnect between my habits and my academic goals. When I’m at school, I fantasize about it being over. When I’ve set aside time to work, I can’t get through it and I go to my boyfriend. Maybe I am a bad student. Right now. I am. Hard to care about history since I’ve got a lot I would rather focus on. So, right, there are a lot of coercive acts I could be learning about if my teacher calmed down and gave me free time to coerce him. Sorry. 

I cannot stop thinking about what I was able to 

How he knew about the test is beyond me. He’s missed more days, he’s had more distractions, he’s more susceptible to distractions, and to top everything off he’s on possession watch. You know, just making those frequent check-ins with Will. I don’t know what that would look like. I guess you just ask him how he’s feeling, try to gauge the honesty. I would never ever say this but it seems likely to me that Will is still being…communicated with. Accessed. Scary sounds in his ears or something. Sensations. It’s not like he’d say anything! He’s like this meek little mouse, he could actively be experiencing organ rupture and wouldn’t make a sound. This is terrible, but being at their house does scare me every now and then. In a ticking time bomb sort of way. Is their family not kind of cursed? Then I get kissed and forget where I am anyway, so nothing matters. No complaints overall, it is a very nice place for a slumber party. 

My reaction last night was the most embarrassing. How I went from zero to a hundred that fast, how we went from squeaky bed springs and my proposed hickey competition (hate that this is in writing now, but context needed—also I was in a competitive mood yesterday) (he was not) to me whining and crying and essentially hyperventilating because I didn’t understand why he would mention a test when we didn’t have a test. I hate my emotions being played with and all of that bullshit. For some reason I’ve always been on the receiving end of that haven’t I? With boys in our class. Middle school, junior high, that kind of timeframe. At one point I could have convinced myself I was being flirted with. It’s a no, because “all statements.” All pines are conifers, but not all conifers are pines. So all interested boys will tease, but not all the boys that tease are interested. They really were just that eager to let me know my body wasn’t up to par for our age bracket. Pal, are we not eleven and twelve. I cannot be Catwoman for you.

I’m told I’m pretty now, so I’ll count it as a win. 

Anyway, Jonathan was not playing with my emotions, and we did have a test. We did. When my panic set in, it was bad. The pressure was building up in my chest, I thought I was in danger of dry drowning. My GPA is literally the only thing I ever feel in control of. In my arms were two options, have an absolutely miserable fucking Thursday night or risk baby’s first F on her transcript. But then he just looked at me, calm as ever, and said, “Why can’t you ask for an extension? I want you to ask her for an extension, okay?” Which I should have come up with on my own. I don’t know why, but hearing him say that was like. Insane. Made everything feel lighter, light as a feather. He doesn’t do this for himself, but for me—he zooms out, he figures out a way to make things less daunting. He can be so positive when it's a problem of mine on the table instead of his, and I'm like who are you, I love you. I usually have no problem cheating systems, swinging things in a way that's better for me, but requesting an extension? My pride lies in academics, I'm aware of that, I don’t often ask for help there. Want to accomplish things without accommodations being made for me. Meanwhile, school stuff is some of the only stuff Jonathan is willing to seek out help with. He has to. He can't afford to not get help. Not like he can spend an entire evening on one little section of an assignment when he needs to be clocked in at work for five hours. In conclusion, he talks to our instructors more than our peers. I have to respect a teacher's pet.

So, I took his advice. However tricky extensions may be. Kincannon is also tricky. Her iron will and everything. You’re not gonna get one if you always ask. You’re not gonna get one if you haven’t already established yourself as a trustworthy kid. You’re not gonna get one for being an athlete. I wasn’t convinced of the plan at first since she dress coded my mid-thigh skirt last week and had to tell me, on a few occasions, to stop chatting with/distracting my boyfriend. Him being in the picture was so in my favor, though, because he seriously might be her favorite. Personally I wanna say it’s gross; it makes her feel good about herself to cosset sensitive, troubled teens that she wouldn’t give a shit about otherwise. Like, you’re not his mommy, but I’m way off topic. 

We got up incredibly early this morning. We made her a tiny consolation coffee with cream and cinnamon, pulled up at 6:25 I want to say it was? And the conversation was ace. He had messed up my hair a little to hint at a sleepless night, coached me on how to look pitiful when we were in the car. I really hope I didn’t mishear him mumble something about puppy eyes. He was very tired. I stayed as honest as possible, that’s what he wanted from me. I told her I was having a rough time, that grief keeps getting in my way of things. I talked to her about my selective hearing issue. I said I’m an oral learner, I needed verbal reminders, and I said school means so much to me. Hesitantly I pointed out that Jonathan and I are still getting used to our new relationship, and maybe if our assigned seats were adjacent I wouldn't have to get up to talk to him. She was slightly passive-aggressive, but she was understanding. Then I found out I would be testing Monday. New test, just for me. There was something so ridiculous and fun about sitting in class this morning, reading while everyone else suffered. After, I couldn’t stop apologizing to Jonathan for freaking out. He said I didn’t freak out, I reacted, and he suggested I go easier on myself. That distinction felt huge, really huge. 

Right now, I'm desperate to preserve that feeling of lightness, but I’m mad at myself and furious in general. In hindsight I should have savored being comforted a little more, but I was busy having half a meltdown. I’m sure I’ll get to hear one of those soft pep talks the next time something doesn’t go my way. I have so much studying to do, especially since my Special Nancy Test is all writing. I’ve got it, though. I’m fine. Angry but also happy and fine. This will never happen again. I won’t let it happen again.

—

“Uh oh,” Jonathan suddenly murmurs to himself on her bed. 

She swivels at her small desk, not fully ready to turn her attention away from her entry. “Hmm?”

“Sorry, no, you can keep writing.” 

“But why uh oh?”

There's his gentle huff, his eyes flicking upward in annoyance. He holds a necklace she'd tasked him with untangling using tweezers. Its old, delicate chain was in no less than six billion knots. Somehow he’s the only one in the world who has the patience for this. She sure as hell doesn't have the patience for it. "I'm scared I'm about to break it." 

“Break it? Please don’t Jonathan,” she begs on impulse.

“It’s just really far gone. I’m trying.”

And he is. He’s been sitting quietly for as long as she’s been writing. So���long time. She sort of forgot about him over there. “Sorry, I know, I know you are," she says.

He’s silent. 

“You’ve been cleaning up a lot of my messes lately, huh?”

She flips over her journal, nudges it away from the table’s edge, and approaches him. From her desk she couldn’t see the glow of afternoon sunlight streaming onto her quilt. Very pretty. Her personal jewelry surgeon sits there in the middle, equally pretty, possibly feeling neglected. He’s gone the full nine yards here. Pushed up his sweater sleeves, swiped her reading glasses, set out a few safety pins and needles as his supplementary tools. He looks sleepy, the brown of his eyes lighter in the path of the sun. 

Her arms are behind her back until they’re not, and she crawls on top of him. He absently places the necklace on her flattest throw pillow. 

“I said you’re fixing a lot of my messes.”

“I mean…not really.” He’s blushing already, hands awkwardly grasping for purchase at her hips so that he won't get pressed back too hard into the poles of her bed frame's headboard. “If I am, I don’t mind.”

Her lips cushion against this little spot on his jaw that’s so sensitive it kills him, sucking carefully. The action might have the same effect on her that it does him; her heart jumps, swings wide, threatens to capsize in the wet of her chest. It’s that familiar adrenaline response, the uncontrollable energy spike she always gets alongside the realization of oh, we’re touching! She sighs into his skin, and he shudders, a pathetic sound of bliss escaping his throat.

“Okay, well don't start drooling,” she quips. Kisses his pulse point, spittily.

He mumbles something unintelligible, so she keeps on keeping on, shifting her weight back and forth, trying to make the most of the time they have and get some good play in while she can. She’ll have to kick him out soon. She’ll have to study in complete isolation. She dips back, and he follows, she leans forward, and he pulls her closer. “Said I need an extension,” he manages, repeating what she didn’t catch.

“What?”

“If you’re gonna do all this, I need an extension on my necklace project.”

Well, that is definitely going in the diary. 

[gayczennie]

I Did Everything I Was Supposed To Do (pt.1)

Haechan x male reader

Summary: Finals week turns out to be the final breaking point for y/n, but luckily Haechan is around right when you need him

Warnings: fluff, some angst: homophobia, allusions to panic disorder, stress

“Fuck. I can’t believe I forgot about the final on Monday. Fuck fuck fuck” Y/n cursed under his breath as he walked as fast as he could toward the entrance to his boyfriend’s place. Y/n had a million things to do the next few days already, and now he had a final to cram for on top of it all. “One thing at a time” he told himself knowing it’s what Hyuck would tell him if they were together right now. He didn’t really listen to this advice of course… especially coming from his own mouth instead of his cute adorable boyfriend.Oh God. I wish he was here so bad. But Haechan was still at the dance studio and would be for the next several hours. That’s why y/n was even entering Haechan’s apartment right now in the first place; Daegal needed to be taken out while Haechan was gone.

He HAD to have his stupid extra long dance rehearsal today of course. On the day where he already had to finish a ton of assignments and now cram for a test. Y/n quickly threw his backpack on the ground and sprinted over to daegal scooping her up before she even knew what was happening. While he waited for Daegal to do her business and walk around a little, y/n got back to planning his study schedule in his head. If I start by studying for the exam… I can trade every 45 minutes from cramming to working on the lab report for my other class. Fuck! That depends on whether the others ever filled in their data. Ok so I’ll save that for the end and work on the PowerPoint instead even though it’s due the longest from now. As long as I cut myself off at around 1:00 am, that should be enough sleep to take the exam at 9:30 the next day. It was going to be a rough night, but y/n decided he’d just have to work away and hope for the best.

Y/N went back inside and scooped his backpack up again to go work in Hyuck’s bedroom. He found the smell of his boyfriend clinging to the room to be extremely comforting and he hoped it would help him stay calm and focused on his work. He opened up his laptop to the lecture notes for the exam and began skimming them for any confusing topics that jumped out at him. What the? I only know like 2 of these concepts?? I’m screwed. Y/N new from plenty of old tests that it would only make things worse if he worried about it now, and feeling himself start to panic, he decided to work on the PowerPoint instead. He figured he should just finish all his other assignments so that he could then spend the entire rest of the night studying.

An hour into working on the PowerPoint y/n’s phone buzzed. He opened it to find a message from one of his lab partners that read “hey y/n I’m really sorry but I’m actually boarding a plane right now so I’m not gonna be able to finish my part of the lab. Maybe you can ask [partner name 2] for her data? I think she got mine down too.”

Y/n: “I’ll ask her.”

Partner 1: “KK.”

“Gotta go, sorry again!”

Partner 2: “Shit. I don’t have her values either y/n. I’m pretty sure that part of the lab was online though, so one of us can just do the lab at home right now.”

“Oh wait actually, I have to take both of my finals on Monday. It’s due Tuesday right? So I won’t have time to do her part. Y/n any chance you can do it?”

Y/n: “ I only have one midterm tomorrow… I guess I can do it if no one else can.”

Partner 2: “Ur the best bro! Tysm <3”

Y/n: …

.

.

Fuck me. How am I supposed to do [p/n 1]’s work for them on top of everything else? Y/n barely had enough time to do all his work as it was. And he had done all of HIS work on the lab already too. He thought he’d just quickly analyze his partner’s data and then turn it in… but no. This is totally unfair. I have more work than either of them, and I’m doing their work for them too on top of it all. Y/n’s eyes grew misty for a second threatening to turn into tears, but y/n shook his head hard and the urge to cry went away for now. He had to get back to— wait no. He needed to cook dinner. With no Hyuck home to cook dinner like usual, he was going to starve if he didn’t make something for himself. Standing up quickly y/n smacked his arm on Hyuck’s dresser skinning it in the process. Great. Now he was bleeding. And it had gotten on his white shirt too. Except it wasn’t his shirt, it was his boyfriend’s shirt that he had borrowed. Y/n was this close to screaming in frustration, but stripped off the shirt quickly and made his way to the bathroom to clean the spot before it stained. And of course, he needed to throw it in the washer if he really didn’t want it to stain, and that meant he should really just do all of Haechan’s laundry now. So heart now racing in a slight panic, y/n gathered the laundry and started the cycle as quickly as possible so that he could start on dinner.

Opting for the most time efficient option, y/n grabbed some pasta and left it to boil while he got back to work for a few minutes. There sure was a lot on his mind now between the pasta he was cooking, Daegal (who he suddenly remembered needed to be fed as well), the lab report, the final exam in a day, Haechan’s laundry that still needed to be dried, folded, and put away, and the millions of other things he needed to get done before going home to his family at the end of the week. And the trip home would be another ordeal that required a lot of planning and prep work. Y/n had a lot of problems at home due to his conservative family and their recent discovery that he was dating Haechan. But that’s silly. I shouldn’t worry about that right now. And it’s not like it’s anything new knowing they all disapprove of my “lifestyle choice”. That’s old news, and I need to focus on this. Y/n went back to his multitasking and eventually got Daegal fed, the laundry in the dryer, and got a good portion of the lab done.

At 10:30 y/n finally felt satisfied with the PowerPoint and had finished collecting most of the data his partner was supposed to do. So he went to wash all the dishes he had left out at dinner and put away the leftovers as a quick study break. He smiled at the pasta he’d saved for Haechan knowing it would make his boyfriend’s day to find food ready for him after a long night of dance practice. When he walked back into Hyuck’s bedroom to finish the lab, he noticed several notifications on his phone again.

Mom: Hey you’re coming home on Wednesday right? You’ll be done with finals week by then?

Dad: Hey y/n you better have a gift ready for your mother when you come home on Tuesday. She’s still pretty upset about Haechan, so you should really try to make her feel better.

Bro: Dude mom and dad are pissed cuz dad thought you were coming home Tuesday after your final, and then mom told him you said Wednesday. So he flipped and said you were probably staying longer to fuck Haechan or something

Y/N: I told them both Wednesday. I AM spending Tuesday night at Hyuck’s place. But I just wanted a night to relax before immediately coming home

Don’t tell them that… just say I’m busy or something

Bro: sorry bro, that’s not gonna work. You better come home Tuesday or they’re gonna make the trip absolute hell for you

Y/N: fuck ok fine, I’ll make it work

Y/n was getting more and more stressed by the second. And now he wouldn’t even get any sort of buffer between finals week and seeing his family. And fuck he had that feeling in his head- that feeling of anxiety setting in- making him slightly dizzy and his chest tight. Fuck. Fuck. I’m gonna have a panic attack. I know it’s coming. Should I call Hyuck? He should be on his way home by now anyway right? Ok fuck. Yeah he should call his boyfriend. Maybe he could talk him through it. He prayed he was right and Hyuck would actually answer his phone, and to his relief, Hyuck answered right away.

“y/n! I’m on my way home and practice went pretty well! I think the show is going to be really good this quarter. Have you made dinner yet? And how’s the studying going?” He was so excited to hear his y/n ie’s voice on the phone. “Hyuck.” Y/n felt the lump in his throat form and wasn’t able to get out the rest of your words as he broke into tears. “Y/n? What’s wrong love? Are you ok?” No words came out of y/n as he began to hyperventilate. Haechan could hear y/n’s shallow breathing and put together that he must be having a panic attack. He assured y/n he’d be there in the next ten minutes and stayed on the phone with him until he rushed through the door exactly ten minutes later, Immediately making his way over to y/n huddled in the corner of his bed crying and hyperventilating. From past experience he knew y:n liked him to stay close until he was able to calm down and talk.

Haechan slowly climbed into the bed, sliding his body between your back and the bed frame, wrapping his arms around you in a comforting bear hug. “I’ve got you y/n. I’ve got you, and I’m not going anywhere.” Y/n began shaking in Haechan’s arms unable to fully process what was happening with his mind completely taken over by panic at this point. Haechan rested his chin on y/n’s soft hair and hummed a song. Y/n did his best to focus on the light vibrations on his head from Haechan’s tune. “I’ll just talk about my day a little too ok y/n? Squeeze my hand if you’d like that.” Y/n’s eyes remained squeezed tight, and his body was still trembling, but he gives Haechan’s hand a light squeeze back. “Ok love. Let’s see… I saw Jungwoo today! I know he’s your favorite dance major right? He was really cool to watch, you were right! He might even be more charismatic than me” he teased. Y/n didn’t laugh out loud or acknowledge him, but he appreciated Hyuck trying to lighten the mood. “I spent most of the night working on my duet with Mark though. They have us doing this really acrobatic hiphop song and it’s a lot of work. I’ve memorized all the footwork though. It was kind of funny watching Mark struggle with it more than me for once honestly. Next time you should tag along and watch. When it’s not finals week of course!” He adds, giving a small pec to your forehead.

“Is that why you’re stressed by the way? Finals?” He doesn’t really expect y/n to give any responses yet. But much to his surprise you shake your head in response. “No. More.” Y/n says quietly, starting to breath a little more evenly. “What else baby? What’s stressing you out.”

“Everything!” Y/n exclaims. “So much. TOO much” y/n squeaks out bursting into more tears. Haechan gently shushes you and squeezes his arms tighter around your body and begins planting little kisses all over your head to comfort you. “It’s ok y/n. It’s ok.” Hyuck can feel y/n’s body body relax a tiny bit despite his sobs. Y/n spins around melting into Haechan and burying his face in his chest

To be continued…

[my-castles-crumbling]

Anon Advice Asks - April 27

translation anon (new), bucket anon (new), therapist anon, Chesh anon (new), red anon

translation anon

Casss I need help like- I actually don't, but um, you know, so I did something really really bad and I didn't realize and then it's solved but I feel like I suck Still.

I am asian so English is not my mother tongue and, I sometimes speak English sometimes my native. And um, I am dating a black person. And of course I am not racist or anything, she is stunning I love her. I would worship the ground she walked on.

But I accidentally said a slur in English while on the phone. So I was talking to a coworker and he learned I was dating someone who is not American as well and he asked me where do we come from etc, but he was sweet nothing offensive. So I told him, but I mixed it.

My language doesn't have the n word, like- it has yes but it's not used as a slur, it's the literal translation of black so we don't have a word for the slur, thankfully. But, like. I forget English had an offensive word? I used the word Because it's a word and I totally forget it was not the name of the colour? Like.

I felt so bad after my coworker corrected me, and like obviously I apologized to her, made things for her to make myself forgiven (teddy bears and cuddles!!! I sewed the teddy bear)

Anyway she said she understands and it's not a big deal tho. She jokes around with her friends but I know she had been bullied for it before too so I don't know if I am a bad person like. I know there isn't a problem, it was a misunderstanding and I apologized she said there is nothing to forgive but like something in me says I fucked up and I am a bad person for this, am I racist? I don't know like I know I am not but I have thoughts about it and I despise myself for it

Hi!

Okay so, I need to be clear that like...I am white. So I'm not sure how qualified I am to give my opinion on this. I can tell you what I think, but I can't exactly make the final call on if something is racist when I'm not part of a race that's subjected to racism.

But I think like...when people make mistakes like this, the thing to do is to take the mistake and use it as a jumping point to become more educated. If you were to be like 'well I didn't know any better so fuck you for being insulted' then that would be shit of you, because you're using your lack of knowledge as an excuse. But instead, you worked to fix it. Now, maybe you could try to learn more about slurs in English, or the background behind the slur, that way you can avoid this in the future. Everyone has a lack of knowledge in something. But the people who acknowledge their lack of knowledge and continually try to learn, I feel, aren't bad people at all.

But yeah, that's just my opinion...again, I have a LOT of priviledge when looking at this issue.

___

bucket anon

hi- this is stupid, just so you know.

i have an eng lit a level mock tomorrow morning and my parents accidentally scheduled some construction at my house for today, the day before my mock 😭 it was supposed to be may but it got pushed forward. so I spent the day with my best friend, I arrived at her house at 8:30am and we revised and hung out until 6pm and it was great. We literally never argue.

Except, there’s that stupid ice bucket challenge going around and I made a point to literally block alll my friends who were getting tagged in it on insta in front of her because I did not want to be tagged/peer pressure into doing this. Not only do I think it’s insensitive to people with ALS since the challenge was originally for them and now has been rebranded for mental health??? And seems attention seeking now- but I don’t post on my social media. Ever. The only post ive ever made was for my best friends birthday THIS month becuase I knew it meant a lot to her. And fundamentally I don’t have to do it but I didn’t want to have all my friends tag me in this thing when I don’t want my face on my social media. One of my friends who I blocked tagged me on my account which I use for ART, that’s a portfolio, and I don’t fucking know why she thought it was OKAY to tag me on that, but I just blocked her on that and ignored it. I get it’s funny or whatever but I genuinely don’t like most social media and only have it cause my friends wanted me to have it. (and btw I was gonna unblock them in a few days when the challenge is over- and it’s only on insta that I blocked them).

Anyway i made my best friend promise not to tag me in her ice bucket challenge in exchange for me not blocking her so she could send me reels. And wtf did she do but TAG ME? I know she thinks it’s funny and i’m probably overreacting but i genuinely hate this chain mail shit and i thought i made that really obvious to her literally allll day today. I’m scared off my mind about my exam tomorrow and i saw she tagged me in this stupid challenge and i literally- it was the last straw I burst into tears.

Also- she promised. promises actually mean something to me and I thought she understood me??? and understood that. but I guess not.

im not really that mad. i just messaged her “good luck sending me reels now” and blocked both her insta accounts.

she can still message me on everything else, she prob doesn’t even realise im mad. idk if I should tell her. This is a tough time for me, im scared about exams and it’s just been a year since my grandad died out of no where and my mean aunt is coming up to scatter his ashes next week during the rest of my mocks and so yes I do think im being over sensitive about this but I really just cannot deal with another stupid thing and I thought my best friend understood that when she promised not to tag me but I guess not 😭

Hi!

I don't think this is stupid at all! Because the thing is, maybe the actual issue- the ice bucket challenge- is a small thing, compared to the other things you're dealing with. But the fact that you set a boundary and explicitly told your best friend about your boundary and she ignored you is a bigger issue. It's frustrating and I can see why this feels like a betrayal. It's disrespectful for ANY boundary to be broken by someone you trust, but especially during an overwhelming time with so much going on, it can be super upsetting. Your emotions are definitely valid.

If you explain it to her like that- that she broke a boundary and you're upset- would she listen and take you seriously?

I hope your exam went well <3

__

therapist anon

Hey cas therapist anon here

Basically my birthdays coming up and my cousin (same on as before) is a couple days after me

So we're discussing birthday presents and I mentioned that my dad asked for my wish list and I joked if I should add the dior stick foundation

She then said 'oh ask him to buy me the rare beauty bronzer cos I'm the best neice'

So I said no cos wtf? I also said that her dad doesn't buy me stuff so why should my dad buy her stuff right? Her parents believe in individuality so she buys most stuff whereas my parents will buy me things they don't mind spending money on (such as pads, bras, knickers etc) cos those are necessities do u know what I mean?

She said she feels bad when her dad spens money on her but, ans I quote, 'but not when you do'

I just...didn't really know what to say to that cos she probably meant it as a joke but I just had to pause, blink and go what the fuck?

Should I tell her that these jokes aren't funny cos they're just weird cos obviously I'm.not gonna ask my dad to buy her stuff just cos her parents don't belive in that. And if I do tell her, how would I word it?

Thanks so much for listening lots of love ❤️❤️❤️❤️

Hi!

This isn't the first time she's tried to get things/money from you, right? Honestly, it sounds like that's her goal, here. If it were me, I'd do one of two things. If I wanted to be healthy and mature, I'd say something like, 'Asking him that would make me uncomfortable, but you're welcome to ask him yourself!' in a polite voice. That way you're not shutting her down completely, but you're putting the ownership on her.

If I wanted to be petty, I'd wait until I was in a room with both her and your dad and be like "Oh dad, cousin wants you to buy x for her, isn't that funny?" and watch her squirm.

But I'm not advocating for pettiness....

Sending love!

__

Chesh anon - TW ED

Hi hon! I want to let you know I'm here for you and my inbox is open anytime <3 I know this seem scary and you feel alone, but you aren't.

Do you have a teacher or guidance counselor or family friend you can talk to? Any adult that might be able to help?

If you live in the US, this hotline might be helpful. If not, and you feel comfortable, lmk what country you're in and I'll find a hotline for you <3

Sending so much love!

___

Red anon

Hi! I read your poem! OMG, the last line... "I love her like the moon loves the earth— not expecting to land, just grateful to glow in her light." Fuck, that hit me hard, that's SO beautiful, and ouch, so heartbreaking. You're very talented.

[hero-israel]

The flip side of my being surprised that the Israeli response to the death of the Bibas family was largely sorrow and feelings that they didn’t do enough to save them (coupled with a quiet rage at Bibi, Ben Gvir, Smotrich et al for preventing earlier hostage releases) rather than the potential violence against WB/Jerusalem/Israeli Arabs as “revenge” as has happened before when Israeli children and young people have been killed by terrorists (maybe because most of those were settlers and the Bibases were kibbutzniks), is that an uncomfortable amount of American Jews have started posting clips of Meir Kahane on social media saying that he “had a point,” even if they claim that they aren’t Kahanists. And of course plenty of other American Jews are responding with “cut that shit out right now”, but still, it’s a bad sign.

They are as clueless and screen-addled as the Gen Z's who discovered Bin Laden's writing.

Since these are 21st century Americans I assume they don't agree with Kahane on forming a halachic theocracy and banning liberalism, just on expelling and killing lots of Arabs.

EDIT - but I have to say, this essay from Tablet is worth mulling over. And I stand by everything I've ever said about how unreliable and embarrassing Tablet can be:

Consider, for a moment, the road traveled by many American Jews these past 15 months. One day, they were members in good standing of a virtuous, unimpeachable community of people who attended the finest schools, subscribed to the finest publications, and held the finest opinions. The next, they woke up not only to thousands of slaughtered innocents but also to the realization that the schools they attended were hotbeds of bigotry, not the free and unfettered exchange of ideas; that the publications they read were propaganda, telling always and only one story; that the opinions they held bore little resemblance to the gruesome reality unfurling before their very eyes.

Having had the opportunity myself, before Oct. 7, to challenge everything I once believed, I can report that the process of asking inconvenient questions can be daunting. Pursue it with neither fear nor favor, and you’ll end up a bit dazed, asking yourself if it’s really you saying all these things you’d once considered anathema. You’ll witness friends taking their leave and social circles contracting. And you’ll understand why that great Jewish playwright hit it right on the head when he stated that some people just can’t handle the truth.

By summoning Kahane’s ghost, nice Jews brutally robbed by the post-Oct. 7 reality can tell themselves yet again that they are liberals in good standing, that their old ideas still apply, that they’re nothing like the bearded throngs who either never attended the University of Pennsylvania or who have no desire to reclaim it. Kahane becomes an ultimate ideological off-ramp: Instead of sobering up to the fact that no amount of squawking about reconciliation is going to bring peace, these good Jews can return to their previously scheduled programming, hop on their soap box, and full-throatedly defend progressive values against a bogeyman that they themselves mostly conjured.

Or, as the writer Karol Markowicz astutely observed: “Liberal Jews are back to their handwringing after some time of quiet after they realized their entire worldview was a dumpster fire.” The only real power liberalism is interested in these days, she concluded, is the power to get other liberals back in line.

And the ghost of Kahane is as fine an enforcer as there ever was. For one thing, the man has been dead for 35 years. For another, unlike Trump or Netanyahu, say, he has very few disciples genuinely committed to furthering his aims. Like the ghost of Hamlet’s father, he appears, in full military garb, merely to demand revenge and terrify all who observe him.

[fereldanwench]

under a cut for physical health talk (including weight) and achieving goals, nothing too intense, but i know sometimes seeing this stuff can put me in a bad place if I'm not in the right headspace so jic:

a piece of advice i've always really struggled with, particularly when it comes to physical health/fitness goals, is anything in the spirit of "be gentle with yourself" because

well

i will take advantage of it lmao

i am very good at justifying doing shit that is soothing in the short term but ultimately unhelpful, possibly even damaging in the long term

but being too hard on myself also has drawbacks because if i get into the habit of rationalizing bad choices and can't stick to a rigorous routine, i will feel like a failure which will send me into a depressive spiral

and i think in both cases the underlying issue is that i tend to fall into an all-or-nothing mindset, which was really compounded my anxiety for quite a few years. it was one of those situations where i knew that was a bad and counterproductive mindset, but the mental illness would not relent lmao

i did hit this wall again last fall after another yet failed attempt at a full diet and lifestyle overhaul (which was really too much at once even under the best circumstances, and these were not the best circumstances), but after i got over my little pity party, one thing i realized i did get better at was making better choices on a smaller scale

like okay, i had a long, shitty day at work, i want something fried and greasy and i do not have the mental fortitude to discipline myself into something else rn, but i can at least get a side of steamed veggies instead of onion rings with my fried chicken sandwich

and this is also advice i'd seen before and it always made sense to me, but i was just too locked into the all-or-nothing mindset that i couldn't get myself to implement it even if i knew it was good. on account of the mental illness lmao

so anyway, i'm trying something a little different with myself this year which is less about having a rigid routine when it comes to fitness and food, and instead about embracing a more flexible mindset. there are so many variables in my life that make trying to stick to a strict schedule impossible, but i can be more in tune with myself to make the best choices i can in a given situation

like monday and wednesday this week, i felt good physically and i had a lot of energy and some downtime at work, so i did 30 mins of cardio. that made me feel even better, and I'm currently in a headspace where i don't hate the idea of cooking (my relationship with food and grocery shopping and cooking is kgjdgdfgjdf I'm not even gonna get into it, but i have Issues™️ lmao) so i got some stuff to do some healthy dinners the next few days. i know meal prep and food planning beyond about 3 days doesn't work in my household and leads to food and money wasted, which makes me feel bad, so I'm not gonna try to go overboard here. just gonna do what i can while i can

and i'm trying to apply this to other things too, like reading. idk where this even got in my head, but at some point i was like 'if i can't read for an hour, I'm not gonna bother reading' which is dumb. so I've been reading 20-30 mins a couple of nights when it suits me. and I'm like a third done with a book i picked up a week and a half ago

(little tangential, but i'm also working on reframing how i feel about my past periods of success. like 10 years ago, i was eating very healthy ('clean') and doing HIIT like 5x a week, and when i felt out of that because it was ultimately unsustainable with my job, i was bitter and angry with myself for a long time. i felt like if it was something i did before, i should be able to do it again. but maybe i can't, and that's okay. i still did it at one point, and i still got a lot of benefits from doing it--that should be celebrated, not something i should hold against myself for not continuing)

something i encountered a lot when i was doing therapy and in fitness/weight loss groups was the concept of a SMART goal, which is a specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, and time-bound goal. and the part of my brain that likes things orderly and structured sees the benefit of that approach, but i just don't think that works for me for long-term change, particularly with something as amorphous (to me) as physical health

i tried noom (twice, as a matter of fact) because i knew a lot of my weight struggle was more mental/emotional than physical, and it's a very flawed program for a lot of reasons that I'm not going to get into rn, but one thing in particular that i could never really get on board with was setting a goal weight or a specific number of pounds to lose

i have no emotional connection to these numbers. i know when i feel good in my body and i know when i don't feel good in my body, and those experiences have never been tied to a specific number. i do weigh myself because it's an easy way for me to create some accountability for myself, but saying 'i want to be this weight by this date' just does nothing for me

(another small tangent but i think some of this also comes from being taller and naturally bulkier (even at my objectively healthiest) than the average cis woman anyway. like I'm never going to be petite or slim and i don't want to be, frankly. I've always had a really hard time connecting with women about this stuff in more traditionally female-oriented weight loss spaces (versus like a CrossFit box) because I've always leaned more towards muscle mommy than yoga girlie or whatever the cutesy internet terms are rn lmao)

so yeah! just some stuff i've been thinking about this week and wanted to get out. whenever i talk about this stuff i always feel like it's a big pile of WELL NO SHIT lmao but I've also just always felt like there's so much advice out there that just does not fully resonate with me and dumb brain until I'm ready for it. guess I'm ready for it now :3

[slothquisitor]

2024 Fic Wrapped

Thank you to @eraserspiral for the tag! This was fun!

What’s been your biggest learning point this past year?

Mostly that I can still write a lot of words if I'm doing it consistently? I was in such a writing slump before BG3. I've been pursuing traditional publication and had some cool wins but not quite...getting there? And then that on top of some personal life shit kind of broke me. It's been fun to get back to writing and let it be fun again and not something I *have* to do.

How has your writing developed this past year?

I think I've tried out some fun and cool things this year. I wrote HORROR! I wrote an homage to Emily Henry. It was fun to push myself into really different directions, and I think it's made me better or at least I hope so. That's the thing about writing! It's so subjective and difficult to really pinpoint the places where you may or may not be leveling up. But I feel like I grew this year, so I'll take it.

Good writing habits?

Writing every day. Even if I'm traveling or even if it's only for five minutes on my phone before bed, I try to do a little bit. It helps me feel connected to whatever I'm working on, but also I'm the type of person who really struggles with feeling productive without clear goal posts. So, being able to look at actual words on a page helps me feel I've done something, you know? Also just generally reading widely. I think being a good writer is about being a good reader too!

Bad writing habits?

Impatience. I have the same issue with my art. My best pieces are always the ones I didn't rush. I have this like...desire to push things out into the world so that they don't clutter up my head anymore, and sometimes I think that means I'm publishing before things are strictly ready. My goal in 2025 is to do this less. But also, sometimes I'm excited!

Favorite thing you wrote?

Probably What Moves in the Dark though Invisible String is a close second. I loved the overall story of What Moves in the Dark, and I think it's technically plotted better than Invisible String where I was just like...coasting on vibes.

Favorite reads?

She's not on here, but TheWyvernRising is my writing partner, and honestly, her work is severely underrated. She's got a great Ghost AU featuring Halsin and her oc Rowan, plus our OCs are besties in every universe. What else is fanfic for?

Biggest win?

Finishing not one but two longfics in a year! Also, the response to Invisible String genuinely surprises and delights me. Someone called me diabolical, and I've never been more pleased with myself.

Goals for the new year?

Just keep writing things that make me happy. I'd like to maybe return to the original work, but I'm also just like...not pressed about it? I'm having fun and I think that maybe that's enough for right now.

Your favorite words of the year, aka the words you check each chapter for, making sure you didn’t repeat them 788 times?

Oh god. I overuse a lot of words or phrases and I know it! It just sometimes is hard to notice until I like...reread after posting and I'm like...whoa Sloth...did you use 'gaze' and 'smile' enough? lol

What are you excited for in the new year?

To not have a fic that's posting on a weekly basis so I can return to my chaos gremlin ways. I've been posting a fic update every weekend since Febraury (with a few exceptions), and don't get me wrong...when I'm working on a longfic I need that structure. However, it's nice to get a break from that. I'll probably let myself get too chaotic in a month or two and return to some sort of schedule, but for now, it's nice. I'm excited to keep working on Veilguard stuff too. I don't have any fic plans beyond that right now, but I'm sure the plot bunnies will find me. They always do.

I've been either skiing or painting my house, and I've been very not here. So I'm not sure who has done this....so if you see this and want to participate, consider yourself tagged! <3

[mrhaitch]

TW: mention of sucide

Hello Mr Haitch,

I hope you and your family are doing well. I just had another final exam and let's just say it didn't go well. I have another one tmr but I feel like nothing is going well. I tried to identify the problem whether it was my depression or anxiety but it was bad and it didn't help.

Everything just came crashing down on me after the exam, and I never felt so hollow before. I did have one or two thoughts about ending my life, but the aftermath of it being the guilt my friends and family will experience stopped me. However, I keep getting the thoughts of me failing and it doesn't help that I don't have a confirmed spot in any future education or industry to give me the reassurance I need. This plus the added weight to do better than my older siblings doesn't help my situation at all.

I don't know what to do. I feel like running away from all of these problems even though I know it is a phase of my life but it is eating me alive. I'm having the most fucked up sleep schedule because of it and I thinking I'm losing myself in the process. I know it sounds as if I need professional help, which I gotten, but it is ineffective in helping since the therapist just says the same advice over and over again(or I might be too stubborn to listen to her advice? I'm not sure myself).

I supposed I just "chill" as what everyone tells me but I don't know how not even in the slightest. I apologize again for unloading my problems onto you, Mr Haitch. I just don't know what to do or feel other than yanking myself off a building.

- academically lost and now depressed anon :×××

That's rough, and I mean really rough. I know there's nothing I can say that will make this better for you - but what I can say is that suicide isn't an answer to what you're going through. It might feel like it but it isn't.

One thing I've always tried to emphasise to my students is that you never get just one shot at what you want. Life is always twisty turny, and if your first attempt doesn't succeed there will be other chances, or even alternative routes waiting further down the line.

With that said - don't write yourself off early. Between these two asks it sounds like you're expecting to fail, and considering what you're going through that's to be expected. Depression corrupts our perceptions - particularly the way we look at our present, past, and future. We get stuck in that loop of "this is shit, it's always been shit, so it will continue to be shit".

Every time I have gotten that low, every time my perceptions have been clouded like that, I've been wrong. Dead wrong. I just had to give it time and find my way back to see it.

But this will only be helpful when you've reached the other side of what you're experiencing. So take things small: set the distant future aside and focus on the small things. Focus on getting sleep, on eating and drinking enough. Focus on taking as many breaks and breathers as you need. Move forward step by step, at whatever pace you can manage, and I promise you will get through this.

You may still surprise yourself.

Be safe.

[niallsgoldhoop]

Chapter Three

Wren

“Nope, not that.”

Tossing another dress onto my bed, I look up to the ceiling as if I’ll find some kind of guidance.

Standing in front of the large mirror that leans against the far wall of my bedroom, each outfit that I hold up is a big fat no.

My hair is still wrapped up in a towel just like my body after taking an everything shower this morning. For whatever reason just knowing that I’d spent the extra time made me feel a little more confident.

Today I needed as much confidence as possible.

Stepping into my closet and grabbing a couple more pieces, I cross my bedroom to stand in front of the mirror again. Holding the light blue sweater up and the pair of tan trousers over the bottom of my body, my head tilts from side to side as I imagine how it would look once my hair and makeup were finished.

“Mmmm, no.” Tossing it into my bed and making my way back into my closet, I tell myself that I’m only going to pick one more option.

When I hold the black and white houndstooth skirt up along with the black top, it works better than any of the other options.

As I get ready for work I go over the speech in my head at least a million times. Exactly how I’m going to ask Niall if the ballroom is available next Saturday and if it is— Can my family use it?

Asking for help or personal favors has never been something I’ve done and it really wasn’t something that I wanted to start doing either.

But, alas.

Here we are.

Pulling up the black tights under the skirt and sliding my feet into a pair of black heels, I slide a pair of golden earrings into my ears before looking at myself in the mirror for what feels like the millionth time this morning.

“You can do it.” I smile, giving myself a pep talk. “It’s just one thing to ask for. Just one night. It’ll be easy and the day will come and go, and that’s it. One and done.”

Giving myself a quick thumbs up, I plaster on a smile and grab my stuff before heading out the door.

Today will go one of two way… Good or bad.

For once, I’m hoping it’ll be good.

————-

I’m going to wear the floor out.

From pacing back and forth behind my desk trying to convince myself to go to Niall’s office and just knock on the fucking door.

Glancing at the time on the corner of my computer, I know that he should be in his office because in my usual hiding schedule this is when I would usually grab lunch and I almost never see him.

So I take advantage of the knowledge and head out of my office and finally get over my fucking nerves.

Walking down the hallway, I smile at my coworkers as I pass them and before I know it— I find myself in front of the door that scares the shit out of me. Blowing out a breath, I raise my hand and as soon as my knuckles barely touch the wooden door it flies open, making me take a step back.

Niall stands on the other side of the threshold with a smile on his face. “Wren, hi.”

“Hi.” I nervously move to push hair behind my ear that’s not even out of place. “Niall, how are you?”

“Come in— I was just going to grab something to eat.” Turning back around and making his way behind his desk, he motions to an empty chair in front of him, watching me as I take a seat. “Talk to me.”

“If you’d like for me to come back, I can—“ Motioning to the door behind me, I move to stand up. “Really, it’s not a big deal.”

“No, don’t worry.” Resting his arms across the top of his desk, his blue eyes find mine. “What brings you out of your corner of the world?”

“You know how you mentioned if I needed anything to talk to you about it?” My voice wavers from the nerves gnawing at the inside of my belly. “Well, I need to ask you something.”

“Let's hear it.” Leaning back in his desk, I try not to focus on the veins that run up and down his forearms.

Taking a deep breath, I close my eyes. “My sister is having a birthday next week and I wanted to know if we could possibly use the ballroom for the party? I can do all the set up and clean up myself, of course. I know that this is last minute and I swear that this is something I never do because doing things in a timely manner is important to me and—“

“Sure.”

“—I would never expect you to bend the rules for me and I understand if you say— What?” I stop in the middle of my word vomit, opening my eyes to look straight at him.

Niall shrugs. “Using the ballroom is completely fine. Don’t worry about the set up and tear down, that will all be taken care of.”

“Are you sure?” The words sound as close to a squeak as they can get. “I don’t want to impose.”

He stands behind his desk and makes his way around his desk, leaning against the side and looking down at me. “It’s not a big deal. Besides, I owe you for scaring you so bad the other day.”

“I— Thank you.” A genuine smile spreads across my lips. “I really, really appreciate this.”

“Just let me know what day and about how many people you would expect.” It’s hard to feel anything but the weight of his gaze. “If you need anything else—“

Interrupted by the sound of someone clearing their throat, we both turn towards the door to his office to see Rory standing there with his eyes moving back and forth between us.

“Thank you, again.” Smiling, I stand and awkwardly reach out to shake his hand before practically running out of the room as fast as my heels will let me.

Now the only thing left to do is the only other thing I really don’t want to do.

Plan the party.

————

I planned the party.

From each decoration all the way down to the three tiered cake.

“Oh, Wren— This is so perfect.” Wrapping her arms around me, my mom squeezes me. “It’s so nice of you to want to do all of this for your baby sister!”

Want isn’t the word I would use but she doesn’t need to know that.

“It looks great, kiddo.” Standing just to her side, my dad smiles at me before pulling me into his own hug when my mom manages to let go. “Proud of you.”

“Thank you.” Fighting behind the fake smile, I let my eyes travel over the party.

At least fifty people fill the ballroom, most of them I’ve never seen in my life. When I told Jenna that I’d been able to get the space she immediately invited the people that she knew and only after the fact did she let me know how many people were coming.

Typical.

“There she is!” My mom smiles wide as the woman of the hour finds us. “Happy Birthday, baby!”

“I’m glad you guys came!” Jenna looks between our parents. “Wren, have you checked— Oh! There he is!”

Her smile grows wide, making me turn around.

Only I really, really wish that I hadn’t.

Keeping my facial expressions under control, I watch as Lucas Green takes my sister into his arms and covers her mouth with his own.

“There you are— I was looking for you.” Placing another kiss to her lips, his hands circle her waist and pull her closer. “Did I miss anything?”

“Not yet. Come on, let’s go mingle.” Jenna threads her hand with his, tugging him towards the crowd of people. “We’ll be back.”

I swallow down the emotion in my throat as Lucas looks over his shoulder and meets my gaze, a smirk on his stupid ass lips.

Fuck him.

“I’ll be right back— I’m just going to check on something in— In the kitchen.” Not even looking at my parents, I make my way through the crowd of people and slip through the doors.

In here, everything just outside the doors is nothing but muffled chatter. Taking a few deep breaths and repeating a mantra to myself, I feel my heart rate return to normal at the idea of my ex-boyfriend being here with my sister.

Just before I accepted the job at Willow Lake six months ago we ended our relationship of a little over a year. Lucas didn’t seem to care anymore and with me starting a new job, I didn’t want to keep trying to make something work when it clearly wasn’t going to.

Jenna knows about our past and it feels impossible not to be hurt at least a little bit. Or maybe a lot, at this point it doesn’t feel like it really matters how I feel. It never does with her.

I’ll do what I always do though.

Smile and pretend like it doesn’t matter.

I’m good at that.

—————

When is this night going to be over?

I ask myself the question for the millionth time since everyone got here.

“Is it time for cake?” Jenna asks as she walks up to me, Lucas wrapping his hands around her waist and over her stomach. “Dinner is done and over with so I feel like that’s what you should do next.”

Taking a deep breath and reminding myself that it’s not nice to strangle your sibling in public, I nod. “Yeah, I’ll bring it out.”

As soon as I turn around and roll my eyes, I make my way through the crowd and back into the kitchen to grab the cake that Jenna specifically asked for and set it on the cart. If it were up to me, I’d stick my finger in the icing and go home.

But as a people pleaser it’s just not in the cards for me.

The lights are dim as I light the candles before pushing it through the gap of people and placing it in front of my sister, everyone joining in to sing Happy Birthday.

For a moment, she looks just like the starry eyed little girl who used to ask me to braid her hair or ask to tag along with me when I would go to the mall. I’m not sure when our relationship changed but I do know that I miss that closeness that used to be there.

“Make a wish, baby.” Lucas’ voice is loud over the singing, making Jenna look back at him with a smile before blowing out each and every candle.

Cheers erupt through the ballroom as she turns to kiss him, pulling him in tight to whisper something in his ear earning her an eager nod.

“I want to thank you all for coming tonight!” Smiling, she looks around the room. “It’s been so much fun sharing this day with you and I’m excited to share something with each of you… We’re pregnant!”

Pregnant.

My stomach turns over on itself as the gasps and cheers fade away around me like I’m standing on a crowded subway platform. Lucas smiles as he leans down to kiss Jenna, his hand covering the middle of her belly before turning to everyone. “There’s one more thing.”

Taking a step back from her and digging in his back pocket, he drops down to one knee in front of her.

“Jenna, this last year has been everything I could have asked for. You make me a better person and there’s not one other person on this planet I’d rather raise a family with or love for the rest of my life. Will you marry me?”

Year?!

Without waiting for her answer, I make my way through the crowd of people and push open the doors that lead out of the crowded ballroom before letting the tears fall down my face.

How could I have ever been so fucking stupid?

I don’t think twice when I pull open the nearest door and sink down to the floor, dropping my head into my hands and letting out the sob that’s been trapped in my chest.

Our whole relationship was nothing but a lie.

While there weren’t any feelings for Lucas left, learning that the man you thought you loved slept with someone else pretty much for your whole relationship hurts like hell.

Knowing that other person was your sister?

Detrimental.

Tears continue to fall no matter how much I tell myself to get over it and get back out there.

When a knock sounds out, I wipe my hands under my eyes.

“Just a minute!” Moving to stand up, I reach for the door handle at the same time it swings open, revealing the absolute last person I want to see me having a mental breakdown in the closet. “Oh, Niall—“

With a crease between his brows and his jaw clenched, he looks unlike I’ve ever seen him.

Not one time can I recall him looking so angry.

“Wren, are you okay?” He steps forward, reaching out without hesitation to brush a tear from my cheek. “I was leaving and walked by and heard someone in here. What happened— Who did this to you?”

I shake my head, looking down at my feet. “It’s nothing.”

“It’s not.” Niall presses forward, stepping into the closet with me and shutting the door behind him. “Talk to me.”

“You don’t want to know so don’t worry about it—“

Enveloped in the woodsy scent of his cologne, he presses into me and my back hits the supply shelf. “I’m this close from going in there and finding out who made you cry like this if you don’t talk to me.”

If I wasn’t mistaken, it almost sounds like his voice is laced with venom— like he’s never been more mad in his entire life.

“Are you sure?” My voice is barely above a whisper and I can feel my lip tremble. “Because it’s stupid.”

“Wren, listen to me.” The supply room is just fake enough that I can barely make out his features, but I swear they soften just a little bit. “Nothing you could say is stupid. Who made you hide in this closet?”

So I do the only thing I can do.

I tell him everything.

—————

so…. tell me your thoughtsssss

-alex 🍀

[jeonqkooks]

goodbye :)

not really lol this was clickbait 🤠

BUT now that i have your attention, i am going on a semi writing hiatus tho. i feel like this is long overdue. i'd like to start off with a couple weeks, maybe a month, maybe longer, idk? we'll see how it goes.

i'll still be relatively active on tumblr - answering asks and whatever bullshit i usually do - and discord (bc let's face it, i have nowhere else to be lmao) so i guess this is mostly a formal announcement for myself so that my brain can process the fact that this! bitch! needs! a! f*cking! break! 👏 it's not like i even have a regular update schedule to begin with, so for most of you things will probably feel the same. but tbh for me, writing doesn't feel as fun as it used to. it hasn't for a while, and neither has being on tumblr in general (some days it fully feels bad being on tumblr but i'm still Here bc i do not know what to do with myself lol).

don't get me wrong, i still love writing and i still want to write. but i just want to be able to actually enjoy it instead of feeling pressured to do it, yk? so i just need to find the spark again bc right now it feels like a chore and we definitely don't want that 😕

also - i feel like most writers go through this at some point - i keep (unintentionally) comparing myself to other writers and a bitch just cannot stop lmao. i've noticed that whenever i feel stuck while writing, i'd look to others and i'd think "damn, why can't i do this or that?" and that'd just make me feel worse lol miss girl gotta work on that. i mostly keep stuff to myself and lately it's been a little More than usual and i don't want to keep going when i obviously need a break only to end up overflowing one day and impulsively deleting my account (i probably won't lol this is my permanent address)

i'll use the time off to get back into reading too - god knows i haven't been reading fics as much as i used to. apologies to all the writers whose works i've been dying to read for so long but just haven't had the energy to sit down and dig in. reading is one of my main sources of inspiration (i made this blog bc i loved reading so much that it inspired me to write my own shit!) so hopefully that'll help the process too ✌️

unrelated to the writing bit but i also kinda want to use the extra time to start working on a professional portfolio and maybe jump back into my wack ass redbubble shop lmao

sooo yeah. i'm not gonna pull a one direction and just ride off into the sunset for good lmao. if anything, i hope i'll pull a bangtan and bounce back with even more content and vigor than before. maybe this is jeonqkooks chapter two 😎

maybe this was a bit dramatic lmao but anyways, sorry to anybody who thought i'd be leaving. unfortunately, you're stuck with me until tumblr gets swallowed up by the sun <3