#been living with chronic illnesses for 15+ years now and it does not in fact get better! Yippee! :'D

[captainrufflebanger]

Gonna scream into the void brb

I was fine this morning until my mum started nagging me and now I'm just feel like shit. I know she does it out of care but GODDDDD as if I don't beat myself up enough on the daily about my poor mental and physical health, being unable to do things I want to do let alone things that need to be done.

I get that sympathy runs out, mine ran out for myself years ago, but what good is kicking someone who's already struggling to crawl?

All I can do is keep trying. Try, fall, struggle, crawl, dig my nails into the dirt and try again...

[britcision]

So let me tell you what they do when you’re human and your RBC (red blood cell count) reaches 4 g/dL

1) you are required to report to the hospital for emergency blood transfusion. They did not call me; they called my emergency contacts, because apparently I should not have been driving

Drove myself to the blood test 15 hours before but shhh don’t think about that

Cuz yeah, 2) the lab calls directly

It doesn’t go to your doctor first

You get the call from the lab tech, the second the test has been run. Literally, my doctor was told after we were, because Time Is Of The Essence

I, bad at being up at 8am, kept trying to go back to bed. This was not permitted

3) you get your ass put through the ER at lightning speed, I have never gone through faster including for the chest cramps that I could not stop screaming through

Still haven’t been rushed in with an injury as opposed to chronic illness fucking me up though, so ymmv

I felt significantly better with the extreme anaemia, I was just tired and bad at stairs

I did not even believe I needed to be at the hospital that urgently (literally my dad didn’t wait for me to get dressed he got me out of bed and in the car)

4) they don’t wait for a bed they stick your ass in a chair in the hall it’s fine lying down is optional but blood is not

This may be due to it being the day after New Years, when a lot of people have made the poor hospital very busy from both Christmas and the new year

This is why it is Extra Bad when the local hospital is so underfunded they close their ER doors for the entire month of December and reopen January 3, Doug Ford

5) you get at least 600mL of new blood, sharpish. That’s two bags, and the Standard Blood In Speed is 4 hours per bag and the fastest they’ll go if you haven’t had a transfusion before.

Do not let them put the fucking needle in your hand because those veins are small and require slower speeds but lying bastards will tell you it won’t

They are lying

If you have had a transfusion before and were Good At Blood, you can get it at double speed so each bag only takes 2 hours and you aren’t in the hospital all day on your birthday

Unless aforementioned lying bastards put the needle in your hand, in which case double speed is the same 4 hours as Standard because they are dicks

You can listen to most of 20, 000 Leagues Under The Sea in 8 hours. Receiving blood transfusions does not enhance the experience

It may in fact be detrimental

6) the nurses will not believe you when you come back in 2 weeks after your first transfusion because you have noticed you’re having the same symptoms as the time you were RUSHED WITH ALL HASTE

The hospital will then do their own blood test to decide if they take you seriously, realise your RBC is now 6 g/dL as opposed to a healthy 12-16 g/dL, and suddenly move much faster

Pointing out you were there two weeks ago and they should already be seeing the old test results in your medical history does not help

7) noticeable symptoms of such severe anaemia include hot flashes, for which you should acquire ice cream sandwiches

Ice cream sandwiches are great for short hot flashes 10/10 recommend

Mint flavoured even better menthol tastes like cold

Tl;dr: blood is apparently underrated and you do in fact need a lot of it super urgently

Also red blood cells on their own live about 2 weeks and if your RBC goes right back down after that your bone marrow is no longer making red blood cells

You will not be able to tell where any of the buggers have gone because your RBC can get down to 4g/dL without any blood actually exiting your body so they’re probably re metabolised

[st0rmyskies]

OH STORMY what if can i write. Colin visiting Twi at the townhouse, cause he still loves his big bro even if the Parents got Difficult. He sees Champion and is like “is your bf okay he’s acting completely different than last time (Wild)

and Twi has to like. Not Tell Colin that the bf got switched back to old life in a car accident which reawakened Champion like a sleeper cell of car gymnastics. And forgot they were boyfriends for A Few Months but it’s fine now. Cause not only How do you Explain that, but also it’s now federally protected info…..and also that his boyfriend is federally protected info. 

Or are you okay with fics of Colin visiting the Townhouse (rest his soul when he walks in)

Anon, I want you to do whatever your little heart desires. I am literally okay with whatever whoever wants to write about the HSH AU. Maybe I should tell you a bit about Colin before your endeavor, though.

Colin is Twilight's younger brother by 7 years or so, putting him at 15-ish years of age at the time of The Brave. He's the quieter, smaller, more reserved brother who is shy around strangers and used to hide behind Twilight's leg as a kid. Where Twilight is always doing hard work around the farm when he's home, Colin's health (asthma and other chronic illnesses) prevents him from doing a whole lot of outdoor labor.

Colin ADORES his big brother Twi, and the feeling is mutual. Twilight only barely restrains himself from lifting Colin up every time he sees him, because he will forever be strong enough and Colin will forever be small enough to do so, but he supposes Colin's a bit old for that. Colin kind of misses it, honestly.

Colin isn't allowed to have a cell phone yet. When he is, though, he and Twi will probably be texting every day.

If Colin is aware that Champion is/was Twi's "boyfriend," it's not because Twilight's said so. Their parents absolutely would not be aware of this, either. But Colin can see how happy Twi was around Wild and put two-and-two together. For him to come out and suggest Twilight has a boyfriend, though, would be really weird for Twi.

Speaking of their parents, a bit of secondary tension in your story could be from the fact that they would never allow Colin to visit Twilight at their uncle's house, much less stay there. So how did Colin get there in the first place? I doubt their parents know he's there. Does Twilight realize his parents feel that way about Colin visiting? (I have suggestions, but I'm interested to see what you come up with.)

Wind knows Colin, of course, and they have an amicable relationship. Wind is an ass to everyone but Colin, because Twilight has never been anything but nice to Aryll.

Colin will absolutely be taken aback by the entire dysfunctional household. Sky and Hyrule would seem normal to him, Four normal-but-not-quite, Legend would be terrifying to him, Warriors would be overwhelming but when isn't he.

And Colin doesn't have the same relationship with Time that Twilight does, either. Time stopped coming to family functions before Colin was even born, so all he knows about his uncle is the negative things his parents have said. He's personally baffled at why Twilight would want to live with Time in the first place, and I imagine he'd be very quiet around Time. Can't imagine Time is going to feel good about that.

[blue-eyed-bloodstains]

1. Do you ever go back and look through all the surveys you’ve taken? Are there any answers that make you cringe, or that you’d answer differently next time around? not really, and probably wouldn’t make me cringe cause I’m always straight up honest so...

2. What is something most everyday people don’t know or wouldn’t be able to guess about you? I went through DFS (Child Protective Services in NJ) at 12 years old and had to live with a next door neighbor for 6 months due to bad domestic violence between my parents while I was there and they were both arrested...

3. If you could have someone make you breakfast every morning, what kinds of things would you want them to make? Biscuits and gravy, bacon, hash browns smothered and covered, coffee 

4. Where is the scariest place you’ve ever been? What made it so terrifying? hmm aside from home? I haven’t really been anywhere abandoned or haunted...I’d love to go! 

5. Did you celebrate Easter? Are there any holidays you are more inclined to celebrate than others? If so, which? kinda I mean I don’t do anything really, used to do baskets and egg hunts and egg coloring obviously as a kid but now it’s just another day. I try to still get chocolate though lol. I celebrate pretty much any main holiday, just don’t go all out...more just try to deal and get through the family get togethers during em...holidays are pretty much ruined for me from years of them being drama and hell, and now that I can’t even drink it’s even worse..

6. If you’re on the internet, what are you most likely to be doing? Tumblr, FB, Youtube, googling something I need to look up, music

7. When was the last time you experienced a pleasant surprise? can’t remember right now cause it’s been hell breaking loose for months now...

8. What were your favorite parts of the previous week? Do you have any plans for this week? nothing really, it’s been shit...and yep I’ve got a major appointment at the cancer institute regarding setting up a major surgery on the 23rd so yeah...

9. What was the last thing you deleted? snapshots

10. What colors make up the majority of your wardrobe? Is there any color you like, but don’t wear often? black, earth tones, blue especially jeans...I can’t stand anything yellow so I never wear it

11. When was the last time you were in any amount of pain? past few days being violently sick cause of a bad chronic illness I have...chest was on fire, stomach burning, gagging real bad, neuropathy in my feet going insane, heart pounding out of my damn chest...

12. Do you have any unusual habits or preferences when it comes to food? not much I’m really not picky with food

13. Tell a fact about the last person you spoke to? she’s a manipulative, abusive, controlling, violent, vindictive bitch. 

14. What is something you tend to carry with you everywhere? phone

15. What was the last thing you completed? surveys obviously

16. Do you take pictures often? What are the main subjects of your photography? not often really but...selfies, my cat, fiance

17. Post a picture of one of your favorite memories and tell the story behind it? nope not going there right now.

18. If you’re reading a book, how close are you to finishing it? Do you have any idea what you’ll read next? I need to get back into reading so bad...I’m either gonna be rereading the Harry Potter books now that I finally got the full box set again (lost em years ago in a hurricane, fiance got em for me Xmas), or Tom Felton’s book which is basically the same thing lol it’s his autobiography about growing up playing Draco among other things 

19. Is there anything you’ve been more optimistic about lately? NOPE.

20. What does the sky look like right now? it’s real sunny, not sure if there’s any clouds I’ll see it in about an hour when my food gets delivered

21. What was the last thing you snacked on? chicken noodle soup and chips from Panera

22. Do you prefer fruits or vegetables? both

23. When was the last time you had to ask for help? What about the last time someone asked you? the beginning of the month when my card expired so while waiting to get a new one, I had my fiance let me use his. as for someone asking me? hmm...not sure right now

24. Where was the last place you went? How long will it be until you leave the house again? Wawa for smokes, which I lucked out given my license expired and they didn’t card me..I’m leaving on the 23rd for an appt

25. What’s the longest you’ve ever stayed inside? How about outside? haha seriously? I’m ALWAYS FUCKING INSIDE...longest outside? I’d say Camp Redcloud back in 5th grade..I think it was like near a week, give or take, it was a school trip

26. Who was the last person to hug you? Do you hug this person often? fiance, barely given his job always sending him away... :(

27. What are you most likely to argue or debate about? mental illness or medical illness and what it does to you that no one ever gets cause it’s not them. 

28. What was the last show you watched? Have you seen it before, or is it something you’re watching for the first time? I have ID on in the background and yeah it’s repeats right now. it’s all crime shows and docs.

29. How would you describe your taste in clothing? What would a dream outfit look like to you? casual and comfy. I’m a tomboy so gimme a pair of jeans and a tee and I’m good. oh and a hoodie too for sure.

30. How has your day been so far? don’t....

[nyxzee]

it’s been a whole year so it’s time to mention this stuff again. 

hi, i’m nyx or eris, i’m an artist and i suffer from a few pain trauma injuries along  with fibromyalgia. it’s a bitch of a condition to have and i’ve been living with it (largely undiagnosed) since i was 15. for years and years i was discounted as faking being in pain to get out of things or it wasn’t serious enough to warrant getting out of things that day, in fact even with the diagnosis and the other injuries i’m still discounted as not doing enough or over exaggerating things when it feels like there’s a flaming chainsaw on my nerves daily. 

the notion that it wasn’t visible to anyone and i could only explain that i hurt made things hell for fucking years. i was faking to get outta school, i was just too lazy to deal with things that day or the notion that because i’m drawing i’m totally not in pain and suffering with something. it’s a lot to deal with and it’s still a massive struggle pushing past everything when that stuff still hurts, discounting the fact it still happens sucks too. chronic pain sucks at the end of the day and it’s likely never not gonna affect me the way it does now but, i’m going to keep pushing forward with stuff because i don’t know what to do otherwise. 

you shouldn’t be afraid of needing to get help with things like it, you shouldn’t have to come up with elaborate explanations when things are too fucking hard that day. it’s a real horrible thing to deal with and there isn’t a magic cure that will solve it as a problem. it is a real problem, it can be one of the worst things in your life for years but overall it isn’t all there is to you and you can get to points where its not the strongest factor in why you’re unable to handle daily life when it’s flared up badly. you’re still you despite dealing with it and there will always be more to you post chronic illnesses.

there’s some more red to the purple this year but purple is the colour for fibromyalgia so here’s some of my art with those colours. as i said last time, my work defines me, not this fucking hell condition. 

[kindahoping4forever]

2021 Writing Self Evaluation

Thanks to Jess (@daydadahlias) for thinking to tag me for this!

1. Number of stories posted

15 (more than I expected tbh, given the year I had smh)

2. Word count posted for the year

84,210 solo, 109,210 counting my collab with Cass

3. Fandoms I wrote for

5SOS

4. Main pairings

Ashton/You (13), Calum/You (2)

(I struggled what to call these pairings lol. I absolutely hate calling my stories 'reader insert' or "yn" fic just because I choose to write in 2nd person - I work hard to make all of my POV characters and relationships defined and different from story to story! But Ashton/Original Reader Character sounded pretentious so idk what to call it smh 😂🥸)

5. Story with the most kudos/bookmarks/comments

My 2021 output isn't entirely on AO3 yet so of what I do have posted there, Come In With The Rain takes the prize. On Tumblr, the honor goes to either Feedback or Don't Wanna Wait On It. (Feedback has the higher note count but was posted at the height of the staff bot era so I'm sure the count is greatly inflated so I always take that number with a grain of salt 👀😅)

6. Work I'm most proud of (and why)

Honestly I could put a few different stories here, without sounding too cocky, I genuinely feel like I wrote some beautiful stories this year. But the one I keep coming back to, the one I think might actually be my favorite of all time is Come In With The Rain. It feels the closest to what I saw in my mind when I envisioned writing it and it's the story that I think most accurately conveys the emotions I wanted to make my readers feel. (Like a cozy clown deeply in love 😌) I'm also ridiculously proud of When The Sun Came Up, my collab with Cass, I think we crafted a story that was equal parts thoughtful, heartbreaking and sexy.

7. Work I'm least proud of (and why)

I truly did love everything I posted this year. If I have to pick something for this question, I'd probably go with my most recent, Threw Out Our Cloaks & Daggers Because It's Morning Now. It sets the stage for an arc I've been wrestling to write for almost a year now and while I feel like it's a necessary piece of the puzzle, I'm still not sure how effective it is as a standalone or if it feels like it truly belongs in my Gardener Ash series. I struggled to write it for months and ended up combining it with another fic I had completed but abandoned because I felt it was lacking. It mostly works and I think when I finish the rest of the arc, I'll appreciate it more but for right now, I feel like I could've done better, even if I'm not sure how. (It also flopped which shouldn't skew my view of it but it does tbh 😬)

8. Share or describe a favorite review you received

Comments and reviews matter so fucking much to me, you guys. I can't believe whenever I hear that someone goes out of their way to check for updates or reads my fics multiple times. I love when I get comments telling me something in everyday life reminded someone of one of my stories, like happened a lot with A Little Bit Scandalous ("the Invisible House story") or Handprints ("the mirror story"). But probably my most favorite type of feedback is hearing that my stories felt realistic or reminiscent of an actual experience the reader had. I always want my stories to toe the line between being dreamy and fantasy based while still seeming plausible, attainable even. So hearing I've achieved that sends me to the moon. 🥰

9. A time when writing was really, really hard

I'll be honest, I can't think of a moment this year when writing wasn't really, really hard. Many of you know I live with a number of chronic illnesses and in addition to managing those, this year I've managed to add some to the list. (Cluster headaches for a month straight! Unexplained back and pelvic pain going on 8 months!) Oh yeah, and I'm still unemployed and we're still in a pandemic. On a good day, my mind is still probably 65% clouded with stress, anxiety, depression and fatigue so the fact that I wrote over 100k words? Is NUTS to me. I fought hard for every single one of them and the frustration was absolutely worth it.

10. A scene or character you wrote that surprised you

Stage!Ash was never meant to be a series nor a love story. I truly just wanted to clown over sweaty, beardy Ash being back on stage but couldn't find a hook I found interesting enough to pursue and Cass, genius that she is, suggested the "first time seeing him drum" angle, which I loved and that led me to framing Encore as a new relationship. As I wrote it, it became sweeter and softer than I ever imagined it would and by the time I was finished, I was fully invested. I've never written a "falling in love" couple before, I'm used to "still in love" established couples so it's been a fun challenge and I'm glad people encouraged me to continue it as a series.

11. A favorite excerpt of your writing

I'm gonna be self-indulgent and highlight two passages 😅First, like I said, I'm really pleased with Come In With The Rain's ability to let the audience live in the characters' headspace for a while. This excerpt isn't anything fancy, isn't even the most poetic of the piece, but the narrative stillness is something new for me and painting this picture of quiet domesticity and loving familiarity was one of my favorite tasks of the year 🥰 (And if you're familiar with the fic, the scene that follows is def my fav smut I wrote this year, possibly ever tbh 😌)

You take your time washing up, enjoying the contrast of the warm water against the cool air of the kitchen and appreciating the sounds of Ashton absentmindedly singing along to his album of choice while he sits on the couch, scrolling away on his iPad. You finish and go to join him, guffawing at the sight of him clapping giddily when he sees you entering the room bearing a fresh cup of coffee for each of you.

You curl up next to him, tucking your feet under his thigh for warmth, much to his chagrin. You relax and sip your drink, watching the wind blow the trees outside the window, being entertained by Ash switching back and forth between reading you interesting soundbites from the articles he’s reading to singing along to the music in varying degrees of seriousness.

“Kinda feel like smokin’ something but honestly I don’t feel like getting up to get our shit. How’s that for lazy?” He muses with a grin.

A couple hours pass, maybe more; time really has no meaning on a day like this. The rain has ceased for the moment but the sky is still threateningly overcast, casting a dreamlike haze over the room. Ashton keeps insisting that “after this song” he’s going to get up and check the heater but he started saying that at least three albums ago.

You’ve ended up sprawled out on the couch, your head in his lap; it’s your job to change the record when it’s time but you’ve still managed to doze off here and there, so cozy and comfortable with Ash quietly singing above you, hands occasionally running through your hair or over your shoulder.

You sleepily turn over on your side, gazing at him through hooded eyes; after one too many jabs from you, he’s lost the iPad and as he sits there, one hand scrolling his phone, the other pensively scratching at his beard while humming under his breath, you feel an overwhelming flood of feelings. Love. Happiness. Peace. Desire.

You reach your hand out and caress the tops of his thighs, wanting to feel more of him underneath you, wanting to remind him you’re there. Your heart swells when you see a fond smile paint his face and he instinctively brings a hand down to rub over your arm, continuing the silent but appreciative conversation between your bodies.

This second excerpt, from To Love Him Is To Need Him Everywhere, is similar to the first - a quiet moment of reverent appreciation between partners. I've just always loved it because it follows an absurdly filthy section of the fic and then takes a sharp turn towards some of the softest, most flowery writing I'd done at that time. I feel like that duality became a trademark for me this year (for the Swift-literate, Cass has repeatedly declared this my "Lover era" 😅) and it really encapsulates what I find appealing about exploring relationships in fic (or in life tbqh).

He lays behind you, wrapping his arms around you and breathing a soft sigh of your name against your hair. The two of you lay in loving silence, basking in the contrast between the cool breeze blowing across your skin and the warmth of your lover’s body on you.

Ash is such a large presence, literally and figuratively, you love the firmness and safety of being enveloped by him. But after a few minutes, you find yourself needing more and you turn over to face him. His eyes are closed and you stop to study him, taking in every detail: how long his lashes are, how much you love the shape of his nose, how structured but soft his cheeks are, how kissable his lips always seem to look, how his sharp jawline still makes your stomach drop after all this time.

You notice the dimples that you love so much starting to form as he smiles at the feel of your stare. He opens his eyes and with a single look, he’s able to read your energy and know exactly what you’re needing. He fits his hand under your jaw and slowly kisses you, letting you lead the way, inviting your tongue to take and taste all you need from him.

He waits for you to be the one to break the kiss and then he’s gently pushing you onto your back so he can lay his head on your chest. You stroke your fingers through his hair while he uses his to trace designs on your bare stomach.

“I don’t know that I’ve ever been more grateful to be sharing a moment with someone,” Ashton says quietly, the thought still formulating in his mind. You look down to see his hazel eyes gazing fondly at you. “I’m glad it’s with you.”

12. How did you grow as a writer this year

I'm really proud of myself for writing for me in 2021. I wrote ridiculously long pieces when they felt right, I wrote PWP when I had a good concept I just wanted to get out into the world. I started writing in 2020 and was fortunate enough to have a solid audience from the get-go (again, thanks to Cass) but as much as I love what I wrote that first year, I can admit now that there was probably too much consideration given to what I thought other people wanted to see from me (or didn't want to see! I toned down a lot of pieces back then tbh) whereas now I aim for my priority to be what I want to spend my time thinking about.

13. How do you hope to grow next year

There's more than a few things I need to work on: I need to stop caring so much about feedback (it's my favorite part of the process but shouldn't determine the value of a fic!), I need to trust my instincts more (taking an hour to write a paragraph because I rewrite each sentence 10 times is like, not fun or practical) and I need to more efficiently manage my time. The pandemic effectively decimated my attention span so it's hard for me to sit and write without picking up my phone every few minutes, especially when the band is in an active phase since I live a double life as a fic blog/update account and I'm always itching to find content. All these things I mentioned make writing a lot more frustrating than it needs to be and I'd like to remedy that so I can enjoy the process as much as I possibly can.

14. Who was your greatest positive influence this year as a writer (could be another writer or beta or cheerleader or muse etc)

The answer to this question is always going to be @cal-puddies. My best ideas come from talking to Cass, my best drafts are the ones she actively challenges me on and I probably would've quit on about half of my fics from this year if she hadn't kept encouraging me and cheering me on to finish them. I said I wrote for me this year but really I wrote for us. 🦦🦦

15. Anything from your real-life show up in your writing this year?

I definitely drew inspiration from my real life camping experience when writing To Love Him Is To Need Him Everywhere. I do in fact, have a certain fondness for rainy days. I actually went to the Global Citizen concert and honestly that made writing Stay Here, Honey more difficult because my brain refused to accept if I had to change a detail for logistics/creative license lmao. Beyond that, there's been a few times I've wondered if I've accidentally exposed myself by writing certain kinks one too many times but I won't go into specifics. 😂

16. Any new wisdom you can share with other writers?

No idea is too niche - if you've thought about it, someone else definitely has and will love your story. (I legit wrote a fic about getting high and dry humping in a backyard and someone called it "romantic". Your fic will find its audience lmao.)

17. Any projects you're looking forward to starting (or finishing) in the new year

I'll go ahead and spill, honestly if you've read this far, you deserve a scoop: Gardener!Ash is getting pegged in 2022, if it's the last thing I do. (I've been trying to plot this arc for A YEAR but I want to do it right and dammit, I will get there!) Also, I am about 25k words deep into a Poly!Cashton series that I'm very excited about (and have also been writing/plotting for well over a year) and can't wait to share.

18. Tag some writers whose answers you'd like to read

If they feel like it, I'd love to see what @cal-puddies @talkfastromance4 @suchalonelysunflower @villainorigincal and @littledrummeraussie have to say!

[uncloseted]

Recently I've been seeing some tiktoks from people who are apparently "against adoption". I don't really go into their profiles to see what they mean exactly and what they think we should do with children in foster care. They always say that "no one is entitled to another person's baby". At the risk of sounding insensitive, it looks like most of them were adopted and had a bad experience with it and probably resent their birth parents for "abandoning" them. But I don't really know.

I also know that there are some problems with the adoption system in America, but I'm not extremely familiar with it because I don't live there. Please tell me if you need more information and I'll look for it

Honestly, you have no idea how much I've wanted someone to ask my opinion on this 😂 TikTok has been trying to feed me these videos, too, and I have very strong feelings about them. I've been wondering if the fact that TikTok is a Chinese company has something to do with why anti-adoption TikToks keep getting promoted, since China is one of the most common countries that the US adopts from.

I think you're probably right in your assessment that a lot of the very vocal anti-adoption people on social media are people who were adopted themselves and have unresolved trauma around it. Many of them seem like they're not really in a place emotionally where they can imagine experiences of adoption that aren't like their own, or situations in which adoption might be logistically necessary.

That said, there are some serious problems with how we approach adoption in the US, and those problems are important to talk about. So first let's go over some of the issues that the adoption system in the US has, and then we can talk about some potential solutions to those issues and why being totally anti-adoption doesn't really make sense.

What Does Adoption Look Like in the US?

To start, let's go over what adoption actually looks like in the US. The US has an unusually high rate of adoptions- about 3 adoptions per live birth, in contrast to countries like Sweden and Norway (1.1 per 100 live births) and Australia (0.2 per 100 live births). Approximately 15% of those adoptions are international, 40% are from foster care, and 45% are "other" (including voluntary adoptions through domestic adoption agencies and stepparents or other family members adopting a child directly). Roughly 2-3% of all children under the age of 18 are adopted. Infertility is the most common reason that parents seek to adopt a child they're not related to. Kinship adoptions (children being adopted by family members or close family friends) are typically the first option considered by foster care workers when children are removed from their homes.

Types of Adoption

In the US, we have both open and closed adoptions. Open adoptions allow the biological parent to be in touch with the adoptive parents and the child, and provide the adoptive family with identifying information about their biological parent. In some states, adoptive and biological parents can enter into a legally binding contract that enforces visitation rights and what information can be exchanged about the adoption and about the child.

Closed adoptions seal all identifying information in order to protect the identities of the biological and adoptive parents, as well as to protect the child's identity. This is generally done in cases where the child is adopted as a baby, where the adoptive parents don't want their adopted child to be able to find their biological parents or to know anything about them. An estimated 5% of adoptions in the US are closed.

Disruption

In the US, we also have a process known as "disruption", which is ending an adoption. Sometimes, an adoption is disrupted before the adoption is finalized. Other times, disruptions are a court proceeding after the adoption has been made legal- more like a divorce. Disruptions can happen because the adopted child has psychological, developmental, or health issues the adoptive family can't handle or was not aware of prior to the adoption, or because the parents cannot handle being parents themselves. Disruption seems to be especially common in international adoptions, where children have suffered from spending their first few years in an orphanage. One US Department of Health and Human Services review suggested that 10-25% of adoptions are disrupted or dissolved, but it is unclear how frequently this happens because of the social stigma around disruption. Frequently, post-finalized disruptions (also known as "rehoming") are not regulated, so the child's new housing situation is not investigated to see if it is the best place for the child. As a result of this lack of oversight, rehoming is a target for child and sex traffickers.

What are the Problems With Adoption in the US?

Foster Care

Okay, so now let's dig into some of the big problems that the US adoption system has. The first one I want I want to talk about is issues with the foster care system in the US. There are a lot of issues to do with foster care, but for now I want to focus just on children who are adopted out of the foster care system.

Foster care is when a child is placed into a group home or the home of a state-certified caregiver. The state makes all legal decisions for the child, while the foster parent is responsible for their day to day care. Despite the fact that foster parents go through a licensing process that determines their fitness to be a foster parent and requires foster parents to take parenting classes, one third of foster children in the US report being abused by a foster parent or other adult in the foster home.

The goal of foster care is generally reuniting families when possible; 51% of children who exited foster care in 2010 were reunited with parents or caretakers, 8% went to live with a relative, and 21% were adopted by new parents. The majority of children are placed into foster care due to concerns of neglect (81.2% of cases in California), but those issues are not always resolved once the child enters into the foster care system.

Children who have been in the foster care system are disproportionately likely to have a mental illness, and some studies suggest that as many as 47.9% of foster care youth show signs of serious emotional or behavioral problems. In California, as many as 30% of previous foster children are diagnosed with PTSD. Nearly half of all children in foster care have chronic medical problems. Only 56% of children in foster care graduate from high school (compared to 89.80% of the general population), and 3% graduate from college (compared to about 34.98% of the general population). The emotional trauma that can accompany having been in the foster care system may make children more difficult to adopt and make it more difficult for them to adjust to their adoptive family. About 10% of children placed in foster care stayed in foster care for five years or more.

Further, never being adopted from the foster system comes with negative consequences of its own. After aging out of foster care, 27% of males and 10% of females were incarcerated within 12 to 18 months. 50% were unemployed, 37% had not finished high school, 33% received public assistance, and 19% of females had given birth to children. Before leaving care, 47 percent were receiving some kind of counseling or medication for mental health problems; that number dropped to 21% after leaving care.

There is some data to suggest that because of the way financial incentives are set up in the foster care system, there's a financial incentive for the Department of Children and Family Services to remove children from their parents and keep them in the foster care system. There is also some data to suggest that unfit people become foster parents for the financial benefits.

International and Interracial Adoptions

Now, let's talk about international adoptions. I think when a person uses the word "adoption" this is typically what we think of- an American adopting a baby from a developing country to "give it a better life" in the US. The US is responsible for around 50% of all cases of international adoption. This practice is seen by some to be patronizing or neo-colonialist, particularly since there are children who need adoptive families within the US.

Per the Hauge Adoption Convention, inter-country adoptions should be made in the best interests of the child. Despite this, international adoptions are more likely to be products of adoption fraud than domestic adoptions. Because international adoption is a popular option in the US, instead of being about finding homes for orphaned or abandoned children, international adoption sometimes becomes about finding children for first world parents who are looking to make an international adoption. Infants are particularly "in demand" in the international adoption market, which creates a financial incentive to identify more infants for adoption even though most children available for adoption internationally are school-aged. Because of this demand for international children to adopt that outpaces the supply of international children who need an adoptive family, adoption fraud occurs.

Adoption fraud can take many forms. For example, the birth parents may have not consented to the adoption of their child at all, are under the impression that their child will be returned to them after a period of time, or were paid to relinquish custody of their children. The child may have living relatives who are willing to adopt, they may be represented as being more impoverished than they actually are, or they may be represented as having no siblings even though they do.

International adoptions are also frequently interracial adoptions, which can create some unique difficulties. Adoptees who are POC but whose parents are white still face societal discrimination, particularly if their adoptive parents live in a predominantly white community. Their identities are fundamentally different to those of their parents, and so they may struggle with feeling "different" to their family. Children of interracial adoptions are more likely to report feeling like they don't fit in anywhere, although this can be mitigated by how the adoptive family discusses race and ethnicity, how they encourage their child to engage in socialization with other people of their race/ethnicity, and how they construct a "shared family identity" that does not center race or physical appearance.

Familial or Kinship Adoptions

The last thing I want to talk about in this section is familial or "kinship" adoptions versus non-familial adoptions. As I mentioned above, kinship adoptions are typically the first option when a child is removed from their home or loses their parents. Up to 36% of children who are adopted from foster care are adopted by relatives, and around 50% are reunited with a birth parent. I had difficulty finding the number of children who are directly adopted by relatives without being put into foster care first, but know that it's relatively high. Kinship adoptions are thought to minimize trauma since the caregiver is familiar to them, kinship adoptions are more likely to preserve sibling groups, and the caregiver is more likely to live in the same community (meaning that the adopted child can continue attending the same school and won't have to move).

Proponents of kinship adoptions say that children in the care of relatives experience increased stability, fewer placements, are more likely to express positive feelings about their placements, and have fewer adverse behavioral and mental health outcomes. It is important to note that some of these factors are not directly related to familial ties themselves; for example, the reduction in behavioral and mental health problems may be due in part to spending less time within the foster care system when compared to children without family ties. Kinship adoption also increases the likelihood that the children will be reunited with their biological parents in some capacity.

Detractors of kinship adoption argue that we prioritize kinship adoptions because they are less expensive, entail less vetting and follow ups, and reduce risk of liability. They argue that kinship adoptions encourage people who should not be caring for children to do so, and that the financial incentives involved in the arrangement complicate the situation.

Difficulties Being an Adoptee

There are difficulties that can be associated with being an adopted child, particularly for international adoptees or adoptees who were previously in foster care. Adoption research can be somewhat difficult to parse because researchers do not always differentiate between different types of adoptees when recruiting for their studies. Additionally, researchers are more likely be looking at a clinical population to begin with (adoptees already diagnosed with a mental health disorder), so the data they find may not be generalizable to the entire adoptee population.

As we talked about above, international or interracial adoptees can develop feelings of a lack of acceptance or difficulty understanding their identity. Foster children can struggle to cope with the trauma they experienced before being removed from their environments, the ensuing instability that can occur from being moved within the foster care system, and the trauma from the foster care system itself.

The impact of adoption before birth (when a biological parent agrees they will let a person become the adoptive parent once the child is born) on the adoptee seems to be less clear, since the adoptive parent is the only parent the adoptee has ever known. It seems that having a stable, secure, loving, honest, and supportive family is the best predictor of outcomes, whether the child is adopted or not.

Other concerns that I've seen raised on TikTok specifically relate to the role of an adopted child in the adoptive family. They sometimes raise the belief that children are being adopted with the intention of being "parentified" (to provide physical and emotional support for the parents as opposed to the other way around). I couldn't find any evidence that this happens, but I did find a lot of articles about adoptive parents who are looking to help their adopted child stop exhibiting parental behaviors.

I also see concerns that a child is adopted with the purpose of fixing a marriage or to help the parent feel fulfilled in their life. I couldn't find any data on this claim, either. I imagine it does happen. But it also happens in parents who decide to have a biological child, and I would wager a guess that it's less likely to happen in the case of adoptions because there's an extensive vetting process before a person or couple can legally adopt.

Why Adoption is Sometimes Necessary

I do think there are cases in which adoption is necessary. In childhood development research, there's this concept called "adverse childhood experiences". These are various forms of abuse, neglect, and dysfunction that a child may experience. In the original study, the ACEs were as follows:

Did a parent or other adult in the household often or very often... Swear at you, insult you, put you down, or humiliate you? or act in a way that made you afraid that you might be physically hurt?

Did a parent or other adult in the household often or very often... Push, grab, slap, or throw something at you? or Ever hit you so hard that you had marks or were injured?

Did an adult or person at least 5 years older than you ever... Touch or fondle you or have you touch their body in a sexual way? or Attempt or actually have oral, anal, or vaginal intercourse with you?

Did you often or very often feel that ... No one in your family loved you or thought you were important or special? or Your family didn't look out for each other, feel close to each other, or support each other?

Did you often or very often feel that ... You didn't have enough to eat, had to wear dirty clothes, and had no one to protect you? or Your parents were too drunk or high to take care of you or take you to the doctor if you needed it?

Were your parents ever separated or divorced?

Was your parent or caretaker: Often or very often pushed, grabbed, slapped, or had something thrown at her? or Sometimes, often, or very often kicked, bitten, hit with a fist, or hit with something hard? or Ever repeatedly hit over at least a few minutes or threatened with a gun or knife?

Did you live with anyone who was a problem drinker or alcoholic, or who used street drugs?

Was a household member depressed or mentally ill, or did a household member attempt suicide?

Did a household member go to prison?

ACEs are associated with high-risk health behaviors such as smoking, substance abuse, promiscuity, and severe obesity, as well as health conditions such as depression, heart disease, cancer, lung disease, and overall shortened lifespan. Children who had four ACEs had a seven fold (700%) increase in alcoholism, a doubling of risk of being diagnosed with cancer, and a four fold increase in emphysema. An ACE score above 6 was associated with a 30-fold (3000%) increase in attempted suicide. The greater the number of ACEs in a person's childhood, the more likely it is that they will be at risk for negative health and wellness outcomes.

I bring this concept up because adoption is essentially one ACE. It is traumatic to be removed from your primary caregiver, especially if you're old enough to remember it. But being left in a dysfunctional household will typically result in several ACEs over a child's lifetime. When these kind of events occur, it's important to immediately reduce the risk that the child will experience another one, whether that means removing the child from their home or not.

But even if you believe that adopting a child is the equivalent of 10 ACEs, there are some situations in which adoption is unavoidable. If a child loses both their parents, adoption is unavoidable, especially if they have no living relatives. If a child is "safely surrendered" (abandoned at a site such as a hospital or fire station), adoption is unavoidable. If a pregnant person decides they don't want a child, adoption is (and should be) unavoidable. We shouldn't be forcing parents to give up their children, but we also shouldn't be forcing biological parents to raise a child they don't want and aren't ready for. I think people who are fully anti-adoption fail to consider these types situations.

So What Can We do Better?

I am 110% with anti-adoption advocates when they say that there are real problems within our adoption system. But to get rid of adoption entirely is to almost literally throw the baby out with the bathwater. I'm not an expert in this field by any means, but it seems that some things we can do to improve the adoption system might include:

Introducing comprehensive sex education into schools, making access to birth control options inexpensive and easy, increasing access to abortion

Introducing easily accessible options for mental health treatment to anyone who needs it

Offering more support to parents who are struggling to take care of their child, with the goal of reducing the number of children who are removed from their biological parents to begin with

Reducing the prison population by decriminalizing certain victimless crimes

Tightening restrictions around who can be a foster parent or an adoptive parent, regardless of their relationship to the child, and standardizing those requirements across the country

Requiring all adults in a household to be considered "parents" to the adoptive/foster child, meaning that they are also subject to restrictions and foster/adoptive parent training

Putting regulations in place for "rehoming" a child

Encouraging domestic adoptions before international adoptions, if not ending the process of international adoptions entirely

Making rehabilitation of parents and reunification of families the goal except in extenuating circumstances

Ending the practice of completely closed adoptions, and legally protecting post-adoption contracts

Providing better mental health support for adopted children

Providing better resources for parents looking to adopt, including required parenting classes for states that don't already have them and specific training for parents who are adopting from the foster system, adopting interracially, or have other circumstances that may make their situation more emotionally complicated

Realigning financial incentives so that family reunification and adoption are the goals

[macattackp]

Lies Chronically Ill/Injured People Tell Themselves:

1. I Am a Burden Who Only Takes From Others and Can Never Give Back

We all have things that we feel we SHOULD be able to provide. As a guy, it KILLS me that I can’t do things like shovel the driveway, help carry heavy items, or have a job that could make me a breadwinner for someone.

Don’t undersell what you do bring though! For one thing, chronically ill/injured people tend to be masters of empathy, not to mention we get pretty knowledgeable on the medical system. If you aren’t... don’t fret over it! If you can’t do something, then don’t! Focus on what you CAN do instead!

2. I Am Undeserving of Love Because Who Would Take on a Burden Like Me?

This one is another huge struggle for a lot of people. I know as a guy, I feel the added pressure of being worthless if I can’t provide financially for a girl. (No matter how progressive people may be, this progressiveness tends to vanish when their daughters’ well being are concerned), but I know just as many girls who say the same things.

“How can someone love me when I just am stuck in bed all day?” “Why would someone choose me if I could never have kids?” “Who would choose a spouse who may not be able to have sex?”

Look. I’ll be honest, I have no wise advice on this one as to find someone who is willing to support you on your struggles. Nor can I be dense and say “You’re just misreading people!” because let’s admit it... our lives are tough and there are many who would choose not to join us.... what I can say though... is I have had friends who had chronic illnesses. Some could never have sex. Some would require tons of medical expenses. Some were missing limbs or body parts. One was even pretty much guaranteed to die before she turned 30.... And they ended up getting married, and loved, and supported. I don’t know what the future holds for you, but I do know it IS possible! So don’t put yourself down or give up hope!

3. I Have to Work Harder to Keep Up With Everyone or Else I Will be a Failure!

This world has a main road, but that main road has a lot of cracks... and there are probably more people in this world who have fallen through the cracks, than walk on the main road. But we feel like everyone in this world is on the main road because once people fall through the cracks they tend to be overlooked even though there are so many of them.

It is not fair, nor is it doable to be expected to keep up with others when you are carrying a different burden. We have the Paralympics for a reason. Would you ask a man with one leg to race against the Olympic sprinters? Would you ask someone carrying a massive boulder to outrun someone without one?

And in all honesty, it is not always as cut and dry as “Accept you’ll get 4th or 5th place.” Our world tends to try to put us on rails. We make everything systematic and anything that doesn’t fit within our metrics is considered broken. We often judge people more by their process than their results! But the way laid out by others as the “Right way” isn’t always the only or even the best way! 

Learn how YOUR body works! I was a horrible student in school until I finally gave up relying on teachers and just studied the way I enjoyed it. I figured at that point “As long as I pass, what else matters.” but had the added surprise when I jumped from a 60′s-70′s student at best to my lowest grade being a 94! It doesn’t always work out this well, but your body is yours. No one else can tell you how it works. Learn from what people have done in the past but look for the way YOU work best! When you look back you realize, none of the biggest world changers really ever lived their lives by the book anyways!

4. I Have To Get Better So I Can Have a Life!

To an extent, this makes sense. Without energy, or finances, and with a schedule stuffed to the gills with doctors appointments meaning you can never go far from home... it is hard to feel like there is really much you can do... but... at the same time....

YOU ARE ALIVE NOW!

You may not have the finances to do what you want. You may not have the social life that you enjoy. You may not have an overabundance of time or energy... But you are alive RIGHT now! You are allowed to live!

Write that book you always wanted! Learn a new language! Cook yourself a big meal! You may tell yourself “BUT I HAVE SO MUCH OTHER STUFF I SHOULD BE FOCUSING ON INSTEAD!” 

Look! That stuff will be there whether you focus on it 24/7 or 12/5! Don’t let it get out of hand, but if you aren’t going to be able to solve it by worrying about it more then don’t! Spend your time doing things that will revitalize you, help you grow, and give you some interesting stories to tell once this is all over!

5. I Am Not Allowed to Be Happy or Have Fun Until I Am Better!

This one is a tough one as it ties into our impostor syndrome. That horrible feeling that we get every time we start to enjoy ourselves or smile in public of “Oh no! What if people assume I’ve been faking this whole time?!?!?!”

You are allowed to laugh. You are allowed to smile. You are allowed to have good things happen to you. Yeesh, there is no time in life that it is more important to have happy moments than through hardships!

Being happy or enjoying yourself from time to time through hardships isn’t a sign that your hardships were never that hard. It is a sign that you are fighting forward. That you aren’t letting this take over your life. And plus, as human beings we NEED hope and happiness... we die both mentally and physically without it

6. There is No Future After This

This is one that I personally struggle with... if we count the 6 years of trauma as a kid that originally gave me PTSD, and these last 7+ years of pushing as hard as I can only to fail harder and harder (including these last 2.5 years that have been giving me a whole new layer of trauma on top of my previous trauma) I’m reaching the point where more than half my life has been going through miserable, destructive times where I lose most things that matter to me and find myself alone at the start again in a dark place. It is hard... honestly... Anyone who follows my account and sees my tagless venting posts know that there are more than enough times I question why I even try anymore when I don’t even know what’s left of me...

But there was a movie I watched a while ago... another cheesy hallmark movie, but it was a good one as far as hallmark movies go. I remember they had this one line in it that really stuck with me.

“I’ve lost everything 3-4 times now! It’s the perfect place to start!”

Now I’m not as optimistic as that ambitious old man from the movie was... but I do know this.... You never know what life can hold. The same way you can lose everything that matters to you in a year, I’ve seen people gain more than they ever thought possible in a week. Not to say we are all about to win the lottery or by some miracle wake up completely healed of all afflictions... but I do believe that if it was possible to have things go this bad, it is also possible for things to go much better.

And let’s admit it. You might be thinking “Oh! But I’m not strong enough to make it happen!” and you’d be right... you aren’t. But honestly who is? We live in a world where tons of people succeed or fail... and very few I can say “earned it.”

Life IS unfair, but if it wasn’t, we’d all be dead! What we really get upset about is that it seems to be more unfair in some peoples’ favour than our own. But life is tough. The fact that any of us live is a miracle in itself. Don’t limit what the future holds for you based on what you feel you’re able to do. You aren’t a static person, and this world doesn’t rise or fall on your shoulders either! (even though it feels like that most mornings). Give it your best with what you’ve got every day, and realize even if each day feels like a year, this is still only a season of life. Personally I want to fight and survive long enough to see a day where this all seems like it was worth it!

7. I Will Never Be Self Sufficient!

The lie in this one isn’t that you will be self sufficient! The lie is that people assume ANYONE is self sufficient!

Look. Do you see people growing their own food? Even if they do, do they grow their own fertilizer? Even if they do, did they build their house from scratch, their car, their fridge, do all their electrical work, never once look up anything on the internet?!?!?! No!

We are NOT a self sufficient species. From the minute we are born we NEED people just to stay alive let alone to succeed! So you have to rely on people in a way you don’t see others needing to rely on people! Does an electrician complain that he needs to call someone to fix the backed up pipes when the plumber doesn’t??? No! That would be stupid! And to try and fix it on his own would be stupider! 

You are ALLOWED to rely on others. You are ALLOWED to ask for help. This doesn’t make you any less of a person! This makes you human!

8. I’m Not Worth It . . .

This is something I struggled with even before I realized just how much was stacked against me from the start... I remember one time, someone very precious to me sat down in front of me and for 15 minutes she said nothing else but “YOU ARE WORTHY!” She repeated it over and over again in different ways, not letting me talk and refusing to say anything else until I finally just accepted that I maybe was. Times change, and she may not be around to say that anymore, but those words still stick with me, and that moment still pops in my head every time I am feeling really down on myself like a planted warrior to fight against my internal self doubt...

There are many things in our lives that make us feel worthless.... “I messed up and hurt them.” “I have a lot of health concerns.” “I am not attractive.” “I have a perverted mind.” “I don’t fit with what society says I should be.” “My parents/people who I care about said I wasn’t good enough.” The list goes on... but YOU ARE WORTHY!

“But I don’t deserve to be happy!” YOU DO!

“But I don’t deserve anyone to put up with me.” YOU DO!

“But I don’t deserve a happy life” YOU DO!

“But I don’t deserve a second chance.” YOU DO!

Whatever you’re worried about

Whatever is bugging you

Whatever lies are bouncing around in your head right now saying you should just disappear and stop being a bother to others

YOU

ARE

WORTHY!

Don’t let anyone or anything tell you otherwise, LEAST of all yourself!

I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you’re going through. I don’t know what you’ve done or haven’t done.... but I can tell you this right now. You are a one of a kind beautiful life. You are allowed to exist in this world, you are allowed to flourish, you are allowed to enjoy your time with it and interact with others. What’s more, you aren’t just put up with, you are NEEDED! Because there is only one of you out there, and this world needs you. Treat yourself well, and let yourself know just how valuable you are. You are you, and that is beautiful!

[skywatch3rs]

A Sunday mushing adventure

One of the first questions I got from friends about being at a folkehøgskole was what we do on a day off. Often I'll take the opportunity to sleep in; living with a chronic illness means I need to make the most of the time I can rest. However, sometimes I use a free day to go on an adventure!

*** Sunday 17.1.21 – Sledding with Mailin

Sunday is always a free day, so we get to do whatever we want! Normally I have a long lie in, but one of my friends isn’t feeling well, so I’m taking his feeding shift today, so I’m up at 9 to get dressed and head to the dog yard. It’s a balmy -4ºC today, so I’m just wearing one layer of wool underwear under my thick hiking pants and wool sweater, snow boots, hat and gloves. Now that it’s too cold to leave water in the bowls all day, we feed the dogs a soup in the morning to make sure they stay hydrated enough; equal amounts of meat and kibble, mixed in with lots of warm water and left to soak for about 15 minutes while we scoop poop. Tequila and Tibia both pick the kibble out of their soup and then tip their bowls over, and spend the rest of the morning licking at the snow where the meat water spilled over (weirdos). Ami doesn’t like her soup, but happily chews on a ‘meatsicle’– the disk of now-frozen soup that was accidentally left in her bowl overnight.

After plenty of cuddles, the three of us who fed today head back to our dorms to change out of our “dog clothes” before breakfast. I realise this is possibly only the second time ever that I’ve been to breakfast on a Sunday! It’s 2 hours later than on a weekday, at 10am, and I am normally always either already out doing something or still asleep, depending on the weekend.

Today I’m heading over to my friend Mailin’s to run dogs with her at 11, so I change back into my dog clothes, putting on an extra layer of wool. Between the wind and the fact you’re mostly either sitting as a passenger or standing quite still on the runners, it’s always colder when you’re out mushing. For Christmas I got myself a new pair of felted wool boots and overshoes to wear when I mush, because my old snow boots weren’t warm enough for my feet– I have terrible circulation– so I’m excited to try them out for the first time! Mailin is a friend of a friend, and has become an unofficial mentor to me in the past few months. She’s a seasoned musher who lives directly across the road from the school, and most weekends and some weekday afternoons I go over to train the dogs with her. All of last semester we were using either her car or ATV because there wasn’t enough snow, so today is going to be my first sled trip with her! I’m also taking with me several bottles of coca cola and some chocolate, as a thank you for the four bags of mushing gear that no longer fits her that she gave me last week. There were some real gems in there, and I know she won’t accept any money for them, so payment in sugar it is.

Geizzi in her tshirt being used as a chin-rest by Uvja

This morning Mailin wants to take out the puppies on a run; she has 5 pups who are 10 months old now, so they can run shorter distances than the adult dogs. We harness up pups Rajapää and Sorbme along with adult dogs Geizzi, Uvja, Timo, Hulda and Lelu, and Mailin show’s me how to tie a slipknot– her way of securing the sled to a post before we start. At school we use a different system involving pulling a short, thick stick out of two interconnected loops, and I have to say I prefer the slipknot method. One of the incredibly valuable things about training with Mailin has been seeing alternative ways of doing things with the dogs, as it means I have some familiarity wider variety of techniques. Mailin trains her dogs to stay quiet while we harness them up, which means things take a little longer, as every time one of the puppies starts barking, we stop what we’re doing and wait for them to stop again before we continue. Once all the dogs have their harnesses on, we start bringing them up to the line, and that’s when the full force of excited barking is allowed to start. Even after 5 months of mushing, that sound still fills me with a rush of joy and adrenaline.

I settle myself in the sled– I’ve only driven one three times before, so I assume I’ll be a passenger today, though Mailin has said I might be able to drive in the future, which is an absolute honour, considering the standard she has for her dogs, and the trust involved. She pulls the rope to undo the slipknot, and we’re off! I always love training with her dogs, but it is vastly different being a passenger in the sled than sitting in her car with her as we trained the dogs last year. The trail out of her dog yard is bumpy and windy, including a part where we both have to lean as hard as we can to the left, to try not to tip the sled into a ditch as we go up a slope; she wanted to fill it in earlier in the season, but there hasn’t been enough snow to do so. We make it through the bend, and suddenly we are out on the frozen river which marks the border between Norway and Russia. The sun came back yesterday; it rose above the horizon for the first time since November, putting an end to ‘mørketid’ (dark time), and Mailin tells me it’s traditional to make a wish when you see the sun again for the first time. I wish I’d known that yesterday, I would have wished for more snow!

The stunning view from the sled, out on the Pasvik river

Mushing is always beautiful, but today is particularly gorgeous: the dogs running smoothly out on the frozen river, with the most spectacular sunrise/set happening in front of us. I honestly can’t believe this is my life now. Then, as if I wasn’t already feeling like the luckiest person in the world, Mailin asks me if I want to mush. I’m incredulous– she trusts me with this already?! But the trail is smooth and mostly straight, so it’s great for a relative beginner like me. I jump out of the sled, hop on the runners, and off we go again. Immediately, I’m struck by how much better my new boots are than my old ones: they’re wider, so I have more surface area to grip the runners, and thinner and more flexible in the soles, so I can feel what’s under my feet better. My toes stay toasty warm the whole four hours I’m out with Mailin, which is a record.

We mush down the river, past the house of the friend who introduced us, Anne. If I wasn’t terrified of letting go of the sled, I would have taken a picture to send to her, but I settle for just telling her later. Soon, we get to the point where we need to turn the team, which is where things get difficult. I assume Mailin will want to take over again, but she lets me keep driving. We are trying to get the dogs to turn to the left and loop around so we can go back, but our leaders, Geizzi and Uvja, are not having it. Tiny superstar Geizzi pushes Uvja over to the left when Mailin gives her ‘haw’ command, but Uvja just runs over to the next parallel trail, so I have to break, stop the team, and give the command again. We repeat this several times, until eventually Geizzi drags the team around by turning to the right– not what we wanted them to do, but at least we managed to turn the dogs finally! I then add to the slight chaos by not turning the sled fast enough– Mailin’s sled is longer than the ones we use at school– so I crash us into a tussock, and flip the sled for the first time. I’m mortified, both because I have tipped Mailin onto the ice, and because I instinctively let go of the sled when it tipped, something you should never ever do; if you’re alone and you let go, the team will just run off without you. Luckily everyone is fine, and Mailin doesn’t mind: “every musher tips the sled sometimes!”. I’m glad she is nonchalant about this, because a few kilometres later, as we head back towards her dog yard, I tip the sled again into the ditch she navigated so smoothly on the way out. Nevertheless, we make it back to the dog yard in one piece, and Mailin asks me if I want to go out again. I still have 2 hours until dinner, so obviously the answer is yes!

We unhook the dogs, take the two puppies out of their harnesses, and then harness up Roavvi and Koru. The third pup, Biekhan, and adults Toivo, Vandre and Storm had dog chiropractic sessions yesterday (yes, that is a thing!), so they aren’t going to run today, and neither is Ella, who is in heat. I wolf down a square of peanut butter flapjack and half a bottle of soda, then hop back into the sled to head back out onto the river. We take the same route out of the dog yard, and Mailin shows me up again by navigating the ditch perfectly, but she does have more than a decade of experience on me, so I don’t take it too hard. One we make it out onto the river, we turn left instead of right, taking the trail up towards where the river gets narrower, hugging the Norwegian edge of the ice. Just after the 5km turning point, Mailin lets me switch places and drive again, which results in me accidentally letting the team start before I have given them the command to; not a great habit for them to get into, but it is so beautiful out on the river that neither of us can be too annoyed. Mailin takes some pictures of me grinning like a loon while driving, and then I complete the hat trick of sled tips with a third and final plunge into that damned ditch. I really need to practice not letting go when I fall, which means I have to tip the sled more to practice, so at least today was a useful lesson in that!

For some reason, Mailin insisted on hiding under the sled bag while taking a photo of me driving the team

Back at the dog yard, we unharness the puppies, and move the adults back to their houses for a brief snack break of some tasty frozen horse meat. Mailin is going to take the adults out again for another 30km or so after she has a quick lunch, to try and get them up to about 60km today. If she was racing this year she would be doing 300km over the weekend, but with so many young dogs, and no Finnmarksløpet ambitions until 2022, a short 60km is just fine for today. After giving the dogs one last cuddle, we head into the garage for Mailin to find her old mountain skis, which I’m going to borrow for the next couple of months, since skis are so expensive to buy new, and she doesn’t use hers very often. Norwegians don’t really do politeness in the same way Brits do, so I try to reel in my instinct to offer profuse thanks, and just say one short sincere thank you instead.

Skis in hand, I walk back across the road to school, change back into normal clothes, and head to dinner. We have 4 meals a day at school: breakfast, lunch at 11:30, middag (a hot dinner) at 3pm, and kveldsmat (supper) at 7:30. I got used to it last semester, but now that I’ve been back in the UK for Christmas, it feels weird to be eating the biggest meal of the day in the middle of the afternoon. Food at school can be a bit hit and miss, but today it is finbif, one of my favourites! I have kitchen duty this week, so after dinner I head into the kitchen to help with the dishes, which takes me right back to working as a waitress. Finally I have a couple of hours of down time before I need to feed the dogs in the evening, so I re-shave my undercut, shower, call my grandma, and chill out with a book for a bit. Then it’s back to the dog yard, where we feed with just meat in the evening. It snows a little bit, which is sorely needed, as it’s been a bad winter so far. I go back to my dorm, change, head to dinner, do my kitchen duty, and collapse into bed to watch the US men’s nationals figure skating with a couple of friends before I head to sleep, ready for my first normal school day back after Christmas tomorrow!

[jess-rewatches-prodigalson]

Episode 7: Q&A

Let’s just dive right into this. Spoilers are heading your way. 

1:00 - Malcolm why did you try to talk to the strange man in the dark?!?! It’s not safe you giant doofus. 

1:33 - Gil looks very annoyed and concerned here. This is a man who would ground Malcolm’s ass if he could. 

1:51 - See how Gil’s hands are on his hips? That’s exactly the position Malcolm was in when he was talking to Dani when he was high. Coincidence? I think not. Pretty sure Malcolm is subconsciously trying to imitate Gil whenever he can because Gil is Malcolm’s definition of a good man. 

2:24 - Another instance when Dani directly asks Malcolm if he’s okay. 

2:35 - Edrisa is one strange lady. She doesn’t even look mildly grossed out by the state of those bodies. 

3:53 - Check out JT’s face here. He looks somewhere halfway between annoyed with and concerned for Malcolm. Gil on the other hand is too busy trying to keep Malcolm from jumping off the deep end to be annoyed with him. 

4:25 - Does anyone else find it odd that mother and daughter are sitting so far apart on this bench? I mean, I know they’re fighting right now but still. 

5:00 - “I am far more worried now.” She should be. Ainsley is trying to out manipulate Martin. That’s concerning because a) Martin is a dangerous psychopath and b) Ainsley, to a certain degree, is exhibiting behaviour that probably reminds Jessica of Martin. 

7:00 - I’m starting to believe that Edrisa might be on the autism spectrum. She seems to have trouble reading the mood of a room. She often rambles. She is socially awkward. She talks with her hands a lot. She is very intelligent. She’s a functioning adult but many people with autism are functioning adults if they had proper support as children. Then again, it’s possible she grew up in a home with stereotypical Asian parents who forced her to study most of the day and severely limited her opportunities to socialize in a non-academic setting. 

7:11 - hahaha Gil’s face here. He’s like “Why do I like these two freaks? Why do they look borderline excited in the middle of this morbid situation?”

7:46 - I love the moment when Gil and Malcolm realize that they’re looking for a serial killer. Gil looks guilty. Like he’s blaming himself for not noticing that this murderer was loose sooner. Malcolm looks upset too but it looks like he’s more upset about the effect this is having on Gil than he is about the fact that there’s a serial killer on the loose. Both of my boys need a hug. 

8:23 - They are waaayyy too lovey-dovey inside of Ainsley’s serial killer father’s prison cell. Like did they forget that they’re inside of a psychiatric facility for murderers?!? 

9:00 - The fact that this interaction between Tevin and Ainsley is possible annoys me. I know it was necessary to forward the plot BUT why would two different secure doors be randomly wide open when a guard is moving a dangerous prisoner through the halls? I’m sure those doors are legally required to be heavy enough to close by themselves if no one props them open for safety reasons. (Just my small annoyance. Carry on.)

10:00 - hahaha I love JT. He clearly cares about Malcolm but he also doesn’t know what to say to a dude who is so manic and troubled.

10:22 - I love Dani going on a rant. It’s really sweet. It’s almost as if she knew that if she went on a rant Malcolm would be able to calm down and focus. Look at Malcolm’s reaction to her rant. He immediately calms down and tries to comfort Dani. He refocuses on the case. They are really good for each other’s mental health. They ground each other and I’m so grateful that they’re in each other’s lives.

11:05 - If Edrisa is technically part of the team - why doesn’t she just walk into the room? Why does she wave through the window to get Malcolm’s attention?

11:51 - We have reached a tipping point in Malcolm’s mental health. He just willingly admitted that he’s not okay. Someone sound the alarms. This will not end well. Our boy is going off the deep end....but at least he’s self aware? 

12:00 - The first part of this interview (before Malcolm shows up) is hard to watch. It hurts to watch Martin twist everything into a positive about himself. It hurts to watch Ainsley try to twist everything in the opposite direction. These characters are more similar than I’d like to admit. They’re both obsessed with their outward appearance to the world. They’re obsessed with their own success. They’re driven by ambition. Sure, Ainsley is capable of empathy, and I don’t think she’d ever kill anyone but she’s definitely narcissistic. More so than Malcolm, whose isn’t narcissistic so much as he is obsessed with finding out the truth. More so than Jessica, who really just wants to be less lonely since the world abandoned her twenty years ago. 

13:20 - This is a really interesting point that Martin brings up. He’s technically mentally ill. Does he deserve sympathy for it? I mean, he killed people. I have anxiety disorders and chronic depression. I have a bipolar uncle. A narcissistic grandmother diagnosed with manic depression with psychotic elements (actually, in a lot of ways my grandmother is like Martin Whitly). I understand mental illness. But the second that someone kills another person...that’s where my sympathy ends. At that point I don’t care if you’re mentally ill - you took someone else’s life for pleasure. You shouldn’t be getting fancy therapy and an all-expenses paid trip to a psychiatric hospital. You should be getting the electric chair. (Sorry if this is getting political - I’m generally against the death penalty but psychopathic serial killers and child abusers are the exception to my stance).

13:38 - The darkest of nights?!?! Martin you are making me so angry right now. You sleep like a baby. You have no conscience. That’s literally the definition of a psychopath. You have no dark nights. Your son on the other hand. UGH. 

14:10 - *sigh* look at this. He’s making everything about him. In doing so he’s actually belittling his daughter and her career choice. What kind of a loving father does that?

15:44 - This little moment when Ainsley tells Malcolm that she’s staying is concerning to me. She is so desperate to find her father’s affectionate side that she watches her brother interact with him. She genuinely believes that she is the least favourite child.

16:30 - In this scene Martin says he’s never been to the Bronx. But by the end of this episode we find out that Martin briefly worked at St. Edwards Hospital in the Bronx. Just more proof that Martin is a liar. I don’t know what else to tell you. 

17:10 - Look at that face. That is a man who doesn’t care about his son. That is a man who will say anything to keep Malcolm in the room. To play with Malcolm’s head. That is not a father. That is a monster. Look at how sad Malcolm looks by the end of this interaction. How upset. How scared. He is genuinely starting to believe that he might’ve helped his Dad hurt someone. 

18:56 - Ainsley’s excitement to walk back into that room is concerning. There is ambition and there is obsession. She is obsessed. It isn’t healthy. 

19:25 - “I’d like to discuss one more. Malcolm.” This scene absolutely shatters my heart. For multiple reasons. a) Ainsley just put her career before her brother. She is intentionally starting a conversation that she knows will upset her brother (in front of her brother) because she believes that it will get the results she needs. This is one of the reasons I believe Ainsley is the Whitly child most similar to Martin. AND b) look at Malcolm’s reactions. He is utterly heartbroken. He feels betrayed by his sister. Embarrassed that his father knows about his diagnoses. Embarrassed that this discussion about his mental health is being filmed for television. He looks so sad and defeated here. I just want to hug him. AND FINALLY c) Martin is incapable of even acknowledging that his action have had any sort of negative impact on Malcolm. 

20:15 - And there he is. The most honest form of Martin Whitly. Angry. Explosive. Violent. Things aren’t going his way and that’s unacceptable to him.

20:53 - Another moment that annoys me about this episode. How convenient is it that the alarm starts going off JUST as Martin finishes his little outburst? It’s just timed a little too coincidentally. I know I know. It’s necessary for the plot and the time constraint of the episode. 

21:24 - Look at that. Three people concerned about your shaky handed boy. My heart is full. 

22:18 - Ainsley and Malcolm laughing over their Mom’s phone calls is cute. BUT I feel like Malcolm should be a little more upset with Ainsley right now. I know they’re in a lockdown situation and he probably doesn’t want to fight with her in case that something bad happens to one of them but still. Siblings fight. She treated him poorly. He should be mad at her right now. Malcolm’s acting like nothing happened.

23:55 - Martin is the worst. He really refuses to answer his children’s relevant questions until the camera is rolling. Ugh. Mr. David is not getting paid enough to deal with this family.

25:40 - It’s absolutely disgusting that Martin is so unconcerned when both of this children are in danger, in his presence. Also can someone please explain to me why there was a crow bar in the camera equipment bag? Like for real? That’s not a thing I can see Claremont security approving to enter a serial killer’s cell.

27:00 - It’s not often that I believe that Malcolm is the most rational person in the room (excluding Mr. David of course) but Ainsley and Martin are positively crazy in this scene. Ainsley is desperate and scared but Martin is manipulating her. At least Malcolm has enough common sense to keep a knife away from a serial killer. 

28:34 - The flashback. Martin is holding Malcolm’s hands, guiding the knife. Did Malcolm fight his father before this moment? Was Malcolm drugged into submission? I really need to know more about this. Malcolm looks terrified in the flashback though - he definitely didn’t take the knife willingly.

29:00 - Look at Malcolm’s face. That is pure terror. That is internal conflict. He wants to help his sister. He would do anything for her because he’s her big brother and big brothers are protective. BUT he’s also terrified of giving his father a knife. AND he’s terrified of the flashback that he just had. Look at Malcolm’s face when Martin takes the scalpel. Holy crap. That boy is not sleeping tonight.

31:02 - Another instance where I really don’t support Ainsley. Video tapping the un-consented surgery (yes it was an emergency, I know) performed by a serial killer on her boyfriend. Like. Dude. No. So not appropriate. But she’s doing it a) to try and earn her father’s love and attention and b) she thinks the story will help her career. It’s all about her. And that scares me. 

32:45 - JT and Dani look concerned again. They’re like “What’s the dumbass going to do now?”

33:00 - I love this scene. Gil and Jessica. This conversation is sweet, and intimate in a way that only people with a shared concern can be. How many conversations do you think they’ve had over the years about Malcolm and Ainsley? They’re both worried about their kids. It’s precious and I love it. Also - another example of how Jessica’s heart is in the right place. She really does love her children. 

35:15 - New York Direct News?!? I thought Ainsley worked for American Direct News? Did Malcolm purposely use a different network name? 

35:55 - Is Malcolm giving that look to Ainsley or Martin? I can’t tell. 

37:40 - I feel you Jessica. I feel you girl. He’s playing with both of your children’s hearts now. You are justified in being livid.

38:18 - Concerned Papa Gil for the win! :) <3 

39:24 - I’m really glad that Malcolm is at least aware that his father is playing with he and Ainsley.

40:55 - I love how this episode ends. A rare, intimate moment between Malcolm and his mother. A softer side of Jessica we rarely see, comforting her upset son. Followed by a confused, terrified and equally vulnerable side of Jessica going to the basement.

Dang. This one got long. Sorry. Thanks for hanging out. I’ll post again soon. 

[thelittlehansy]

EMPATH ?

in an old post where i was analyzing hans family and his personality in a frozen heart i come to the conclusion it could be maybe possible he was an empath and could also explain his behavior in the movie.

So because i m obesss 

by list 😁

by prince hans of the southern isles 😁

and because it seems funny 😁

here it is a list 50 traits of empath to see what can we say about hans being one  based on every information about him in the movie and since we have a whole book who got deeper about his personality also a frozen heart.

first what is an empath :  “ Empaths, or clairsentients (literally, “clear sensing”), absorb the emotional and physical energies of those around them.  Often confused with the term empathy, which is the ability to put oneself in someone else’s shoes, an empath literally feels the emotion or pain of another”

i put 4 categories :

positive  ,

possible ,

negative ,

we dont know.

1-You’re often told you are “too sensitive” or emotional.

hans family told him that , he is mice , he is weak , Runo and rudi mock him andt tell him he is mommy boy because of it ,he is soft this is the main reason his dad encourage his brothers to bully him wants to “toughen him” he hates violence and brute ( reveal in a frozen heart) it makes think of his father and brothers and he hates it but then it didnt really bother him to left a girl to died ? So not positive but not 100% negative. this is diffuclt ! 

Possible ? 🤨🤨

2-.Overwhelmed In Public Places

i was going to say we dont know but..Then i thought about that scene XD

so funny how much deduction we can make based on so little things.😄😄  on a frozen heart this is hans who propose anna to go see the garden flower so maybe ? but then this is more easily to be alone with someone when you want to seduce that person. also on a frozen heart Hans  wait 20 minutes to enter in room where was throw his mother birthday. but again the main reason is because his brothers are exhausting.

not positive but possible ? maybe ? 

3-You crave solitude, whether you are an introvert or extrovert by nature.

woooo on a frozen heart : 

“ the dock was one of the farthest  points from the westergaard castle which was part of its appeal for hans. his brothers couldn't be bothered to walk all the way down there just to tease him so it gave him the chance for the peace and quiet he craved it also give him to think something most of his brothers frankly couldn’t cared less about” Hans is an extrovert ! check his personality ENFJ. so positive !

4-Other people unload on you, telling you their problems and life stories, even if you have never met.

Looooooooove is an opeeeeeeen dooooooor 

Positive !

5-You can tell the mood of a room instantly upon entering.

does the fact that Hans know what to say to elsa when he enter in the ice castle count ? so not positive but i think this is really possible hans is really good with the emotions and read people this is confirm on a frozen heart  “ hans could read people and he knew elsa wasn't lying”Possible? nothing reject it hans is very good wih feeling and emotions ! 

possible

6-As you drive or walk through a town, your emotions fluctuate depending on the houses you pass.

we dont know 

7-You have an artistic nature.

possible ? even more with his context of family ? i mean i can see hans have an artistic side to deal with his environment. Possible ?

8-You tend to be a “fixer” who always wants to help others improve their lives.

well he wants to be a king ?maybe ? reading a frozen heart something that struck me is that he has a huuuge need to be needed he wants to help and the fact that he is 13th in line and will never have to help no one really is big deal for him. so not positive but i do think this is possible well when he is not comploting  some master mind plan.😄

Possible

9-You have vivid or lucid dreams and often wake up feeling as though you never slept.

dont know !

10-Sometimes you “just know” what someone is about to say or do.

with the fact that hans mirror people in some scene , love is an open door scene and also that he is a very intuitive person i think this is possible.!

Possible

11-You are drawn to healing or holistic professions (medical, spiritual, or religious).

dont know 😂but hans is attract by politic so negative ? 

12-Your life is filled with an array of déjà vu moments, synchronicities, coincidences or patterns.

dont know 

13-You have a strong intolerance for pain.  On the flip side, you have the ability to “check out” of yourself if in an extremely painful situation.

dont know.

14-Watching the news affects you and the stories stick with you for days or years.

there is not news in the southern isles 🤣🤣dont know.

15-Seeing someone in an embarrassing situation physically pains you.

possible ? i m thinking about the beginning of the movie when hans make anna fall on the boat so maybe ? We dont knows but i think this is possible ?

16-You suffer from chronic lower back or shoulder pain.

dont know haha

17-You love to have control over your environment and become uncomfortable, frustrated or even angry (though you may not express it outwardly) when you are unable to.

 if i remember well this is one of the thing that hans do in a froze heart he hates losing control over his environment. so  positive ?

18-You know easily when someone is lying.

“ hans could read people and he knew elsa wasn't lying” dungeon scene a frozen heart what is in hans mind. Positive

19-Similarly, you know in a moment when someone is not to be trusted.

Positive !  also when hans leave arendelle with the guards he tell to one of his man : “ keep an eyes on the duke” “ i dont trust him i think he is trying to undermine me”

20-You can relate effortlessly to situations which you have never experienced.

possible ? 

21-You use physical stimuli as a means of escape (alcohol, drugs, video games, sex, etc.), then feel guilty about escaping.

dont know.

22-You are a passionate person, particularly when it comes to human or animal rights.

hans talk about hunting with his father in his daydream , so now the question is can you hunt and be for animals right ? difficult to say because people for animal rights tend to hate hunting ? But people who hunts are not people against animal right then hans has a really good connection with horse.so honestly i dont know. also he is someone that wants to help but was teach that be human is not a good thing. so i just dont know.

23-The weather strongly affects your emotional state and you have symptoms of Seasonal Affective Disorder.

Dont know but....now that im thinking about it maybe the eternal winter is the reason of hans betrayal !  like it was summer but the winter do something in his head. XD so

 dont know ! 

24-You have been diagnosed with a mental illness such as anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder, or borderline personality disorder.

i have read a lot about this subject and analyze hans in a frozen heart some people come to the conclusion that hans may be depressed. positive ?

25-You feel most like yourself in nature, away from people or man-made objects.

turning he made his way out of the caslte and toward the sea” a frozen heart .possible ? 

26-Antique stores make you feel uncomfortable or uneasy.

dont know.

27-Some places you have never before been feel like home.

sounds familiar ? Arendelle? 😄😄😄😄 

more seriously maybe ? nothing suggest the contrary so possible but nothing suggest this is positive

Dont know

28-You long to travel and meet new people and cultures.  You consider yourself a free spirit.

We dont know but hans is a free spirit ? he is independent and think differently that his brothers ? so maybe ? Possible ?

29-Owning too many physical items makes you feel weighted down.  Clutter overwhelms you or leaves you feeling constricted or imprisoned.

we dont know

30-You prefer to focus on one task at a time.

Arendelle crown 🤴🤴

Arendelle crown 😵😵🤴🤴

Only arendelle crooown.😵😵😵😵

Possible ? 😅

31-Despite getting enough sleep, you constantly feel fatigued, both physically and mentally.

dont know.

32-You have a history of paranormal experiences (ghost or angel sightings, out of body experiences, etc.).

dont know😂

33-The emotions of your loved ones affects you throughout the day, even if you are physically apart.

Hummm.....he feels empathy for his mother sister in laws because they are ignore by his father and brother...bu we dont dont if it affect him for the day ?

Dont know

I find also  : 

34-“you are rule breaker “ 

hans dont seems to be one at all on the contrary based on the movie and a frozen heart.

Negative ?

35-you have a big heart ? 

he dont seems to have a big heart we knows he like to help but he is also selfish opportunistic.

Maybe hans had a big heart but with his father education. Hans reject his father education but at the same time no. But well i will say

Negative

36 -You sense things that other people miss.

“dont be the monster they fear you are” hans interaction with elsa at the ice castle so i would say positive ?

37-You’re extremely intuitive.

i remember than Hans  in a frozen heart said that he was working with his intuition. I also check Hans type of personality and i found : ENFJ let’s also say that he succeeded into changing his plan throughout the whole movie without losing his goal in mind.  he adapt to the situation easily so well hans is definitely someone very intuitive.

Positive !

38-You need to be near water.

“ turning he made his way out of the castle and toward the sea” a frozen heart .positive

39-You often find yourself absorbing other people’s emotions (both good and bad).

He really seems to absorb everyone emotions when we look at his facial expression Even during the betrayal scene ? he was happy then anna got mad he got mad.( well this is the famous mirror theory on a frozen heart hans say this is something his father told him to manipulate but the only time he used it is for the duke of weselston and a moment we didnt saw on the movie not the others times)

possible ?

40-You get "gut feelings” often (and they’re almost always right).

Its works with hans being intuitive ? So we dont really have evidence , nothing reject it so i wil say this is possible.

41-You often feel other people’s pain.

well his behavior in the movie again suggest this is really possible. i m gonna talk about the scene with anna during the coronation night that could explain why it was so easy to hans to get anna he feel her emotions and how lost and lonely she was.  and the scene when hans calm anna horse with his facial expression. at the ice castle scene hans see that elsa is scared and during the dungeon scene also maybe ? in a frozen heart hans say that he can read really well people elsa wasnt lying and she wanted to go back to her ice castle and let her sister clean the mess.so not positive but possible ? 

Possible ?

43-You constantly seek answers for everything.

dont know

44-You know that your energy can change the atmosphere around you.

Possible ? Anna was sad in on instant hans presence change her mood with the aredelle citizens also ? maybe ? in both the movie and  a frozen heart they were all kind of deseparate but then once hans in charge it does change.

45-You go back and forth between being very expressive and very reclusive.

we dont really know;

46-You sometimes find yourself putting others’ needs before your own.

Well nope not that much 😅 but hans dont even knows what are his needs.in the movie he put his need before anna elsa ,

but lets notice that it does fit with him being a social chameleon he gives the people what they want he makes them comfortable , give them their need in order for them to give to him what he want. Please his family to have their respect is also something he do before knewing

Honestly i dont know what to think ?

47-You always need to know the truth and do not like deceit.

Know the truth ? Nothing say the opposite so possible ? not like deceit ? interesting ! what would hans feel if someone did to him what he did to anna ?

Possible ?

48-You’re a free spirit and find yourself daydreaming often.

based on the movie we dont know , with a frozen heart we learn that hans is see as different as his brothers , he is independent and dont think like them. hans does daydreaming a lot before he decide to go to arendelle he was ( 17 , 20 with his real age)in a frozen heart. at one moment he said to himself that he need to sop daydream all day. so positive ?

49-You’re extremely open-minded and accepting of all people and lifestyles.

we dont really knows. no element at all.

50-You won’t let a problem go until you find a satisfying solution.

at a moment hans said he cant tell the number time he had tried to find a peaceful solution with his brothers and father.

Positive

I admit most of them are difficult to tell and there is a part of subjectivity.

So Result :

Positive : 11

Possible : 16

Negative : 3

We dont know : 19

so there is a lot of thing we dont know a lot of thing that are possible others. several things are positive and also some negative but there are less than positive like 3 ? . 

in conclusion i think that hans being an empath with the amount of traits that are possible and the one that are positive it can be a headcanon. he is brillant with emotions,he knows very well how to read people , if they lied , if they dont lied and feeling others feeling can really explain how easily it was for him.

I think hans be an empath is great for 3 reasons :

1-it give a different vision about the famous miror theory

hans mirror everyone because he feel everyone emotions around him not because he is a psycho/ narcissist. Psycho/narcissist are not the only one who mirror people empath also but anyway hans dont mirror all the time people in the movie and also made several post about the subject on my blog there were a lot thing that hans didnt have with psycho and even more about narcissist and with what we knows about him in a frozen heart he is neither a psychopath or a narcissist but well here the subject is empath.

 2-hans be an empath fix , give a reason to hans very stupid villain mistake

Hans be an empath is a post that i wanted to make since a long time and coincidence one day while i was reading some old hans post on tumblr and i see someone talk about hans be an empath and make a point very interesting.

That maybe hans be an empath is the reasons why he left anna to die ?

One of the big thing that dont make any sense with hans actions is why he didnt patiently wait for anna to freeze to death and go tell the diagnatery that anna was dead without them excepting to check the body.

Also why he was going to decapitate elsa right know but just couldnt stayed with anna to wait he had froze to death (for him elsa was in the dungeon so not even a need to be fast)

The person make the point that anna death would have be very slow and hans would have lost an advantage if he was an empath absorbing all the emotions. if she stay with her thats why he left her to died and he choose also a fast death for elsa.

Wanted to talk about that because it give an interesting explication more than "he left her because the plot ask for it and for the villain to be dumb and lose"🤔😄😄

-To finish hans be empath is realistic

what we learn about hans his description in a frozen heart is that he is the 13th son of a tyranical and narcissist father he live all his life with 11 bullies who pick on him because he is softer. He has live all his live in an environnent of hypervigilence and trauma and suffer from childhood neglect this are ways empath are made in real life with the presence of biological factor. ( trauma dont makes just psychopath/sociopath people *rolled my eyes*😅)

[inevitably-johnlocked]

Hi! I tried to send this before, but I’m not sure it went through. Forgive me if you got this request twice. Do you possibly know any fics where John chooses Sherlock over Mary? Specifically after Sherlock comes back, John realizes that his feelings for Sherlock are more than what he feels for Mary? Thank you for any help! Your blog is a treasure! Thank you!

Hi Nonny!

I could have sworn I’ve already answered this ask, but I’m not finding the post nor the offline fic rec list I make in case of Tumblr fuckups, and I apparently didn’t, so… HERE WE GO!!

It’s not all of the fics I have for sure... I just posted the ones I remember! Please feel free, lovelies, to add your own fics!! I’ve certainly missed some!!!

JOHN CHOOSES SHERLOCK OVER MARY

See also: 

Sherlock and John’s Wedding

Marriage, Weddings, & Proposals (April 2019)

Proposals

Infidelity

Evil / Not-Nice / Villain Mary

It's a Dummy by Johnnlocked (Krullenbol2602) (T, 2,574 w., 1 Ch. || HLV-Remix, Major Character Injury, H/C, Love Confessions, Mary is Not Nice, 3G Moment) – What if Mary had taken the shot?

Let Go by thisisforyou (G, 2,743 w., 1 Ch. || Friends to Lovers, First Kiss, Fluff, Anxious / Worried Sherlock) – In the end, separating John's things from Sherlock's in the chaos of their sitting room is like pulling a limpet from a wet rock. Especially when the rock is clinging on for dear life, because Sherlock doesn't want to let go. Short, fluffy h/c Johnlock oneshot.

My First, My Only, and My Forever by vintagelilacs (E, 6,220 w., 1 Ch. || Post-ASiB, Virgin Sherlock, Pining Sherlock, Sherlock’s Bum, John’s Scar, Sherlock POV, Body Worship, Fingering, Bottomlock, Promise of Forever / Proposals, Misunderstanding, First Kiss/Time, Loss of Virginity, Virginity Kink, Seduction) – Sherlock narrowed his eyes. He was missing a vital piece of data, he was sure. John had been looking at him oddly ever since they left Buckingham Palace, and the ensuing incident with Irene Adler had only exacerbated his erratic behaviour. What was it? Why would he care that Sherlock was a virgin? There was nothing reminiscent of mockery or pity in his gaze. And then it hit him. John Watson was aroused.

London Gods by a_different_equation (E, 11,092 w., 5 Ch. || American Gods Fusion || Magical Realism, Sex Magic, True Love, PTSD John, First Kiss/Time, Marathon Sex, Sensuality, Genie Sherlock, Human John, Internalized Homophobia, Star-Crossed Lovers, Soul Mates) – Sherlock Holmes is a jinn who does not grant wishes. However, when Dr. John H. Watson, recently returned from the war in Afghanistan, gets into his cab by "accident", it might not even need magic to grant both men their deepest wish: love.

The Palmyra Atoll by elwinglyre (E, 16,609 w., 3 Ch. || TSo3 Divergence / Episode Fix-It, Stockholm Syndrome, Kidnapped John Watson, John Whump, Evil Mary, Angst, Cuddling & Snuggling, Toplock, Limited 3rd John POV) – As John's preparing for the wedding, Sherlock is preparing to have his heart broken, and Mary is prepared to do the unthinkable. Intervention required. Enter Sherlock. Set before Sign of Three with a far different outcome. John is drugged, kidnapped, and left on an island, but not just any old island.

A Study In Auto-Signatures, Sniper Dolphins, and Sex Holidays by cwb (E, 32,689 w., 8 Ch. || Case Fic, Post S3, Evil Mary, Dev. Rel., Beach Holidays, Confused Sherlock, Friends to Lovers, Honeymoon, Epistolary, Bottomlock, First Kiss / Time, Fluff, Secret Agents, BAMF!John) – John and Mary go on their sex holiday, and Sherlock is grumpy and pining about it. Part 1 of HOT DOLPHIN SEX

carrying up his morning tea by darcylindbergh (E, 34,504 w., 5 Ch. || Post S3, Minor Character Death, Grief/Mourning, Wakes/Funerals, Estranged John, Pining Sherlock, Depression/Insecurity, Slow Burn, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Chronic Pain/Injury, Reconciliation, Awkwardness, Loneliness, Scars, Angst With Happy Ending) – His fingers tremble as he dials and he can’t force them steady. Familiar number, even though he hasn’t used it in two years. He isn’t even sure he should be calling it now, but she’d asked. She’d made him promise.

Only To Be With You by SinceWhenDoYouCallMe_John (M, 40,768 w., 4 Ch. || Black Mirror / Future AU || Character Death, Future Technology, Sickness/Cancer/Illness, Heavy Angst with Happy Ending, First Person POV John, Pining John, Heart-Wrenching Angst) – I tell myself that next time I’ll come near this same place again. Wait around for the mysterious stranger in his coat to dash past me, hot on the heels of a new criminal in black. I think this all the way back to my Exit, planning where I’ll wait and what I’ll say when I see him. Scheming on how to get his name. It’s only once I reach the Exit Point door that I realize two hours and forty-five minutes have passed, and I realize that this won’t be the last time I Visit. It won’t be the last time at all.

Right Hand Man by SilentAuror (E, 42,031 w., 4 Ch. ||  H/C, Injury, Slow Burn) – When John's left arm becomes paralysed after a car accident, Mary asks Sherlock to take him back to Baker Street to recuperate, as she's about to give birth. Despite the fact that the search for Moriarty is ongoing, Sherlock takes John in and takes responsibility for overseeing his rehabilitation as he adjusts to the loss of his arm.

Guidelines by WithLoweredVoices (M, 43,018 w., 15 Ch. || Winglock || Angels, Fantasy, Angst, BAMF! John, War, Jealous Sherlock, Possessive Sherlock, Jealous John, Falling in Various Ways, Needy Sherlock, Wings) – The Good Soldier, one of the oldest and strongest of the fallen, is offered a bargain: to live as John Watson and to Guide a fledgling archangel so that he will stay on the path of good. Of course, Sherlock Holmes has different ideas about his destiny. Fantasy AU. Warnings for violence, occasional gore, and a whole load of hurt and angst.

Scars by SilentAuror (E, 60,494 w., 5 Ch. || Rape / Non-Con / Abuse, Gaslighting, Manipulation, Dub Con Elements, Homophobia, Angst With Happy Ending, Mary is Not Nice) – S3 rewrite, showing Mary’s manipulation of John as he realizes his love for Sherlock. Mary is not having it.

The Progress of Sherlock Holmes by ivyblossom (E, 62,006 w., 25 Ch. || First Person Sherlock POV, Pining, Angst, Slow Burn, Infidelity, Sherlock Learns About Himself, Happy Ending) – Sherlock struggles with his feelings for John, makes a mistake, and learns just how important he and John are to each other. Non-BBC Mary / John, but it’s a *complicated* relationship.

Hell Sent, Heaven Bound by ConsultingHound (M, 64,381 w, 16 Ch. || Angels / Demons AU ||  Fallen Angel Sherlock / Angel Cop John, Alternate First Meeting, Slow Burn, Case Fic, John & Lestrade are Friends Before Sherlock, BAMF John, Mind Palace John, Friends to Lovers, John in Denial, Sherlock Picks Out John’s Clothing, Clubbing / Dancing, Mildly Jealous John, Awkwardness, Kidnapping, Sherlock’s Mind Palace, Sacrifice, Worried / Anxious Sherlock, Angst with Happy Ending, Immortal to Mortal) – Ex-War healer and current angelic guard John Watson is not having the best day. He overslept, he’s underpaid, and now there’s someone tagging the Council’s building walls. However things may be about to get interesting: there’s an unusual stranger hanging around (the definition of tall, dark, and handsome), a literal underground cult is brewing, and rumblings are coming from hell. Can he keep his neighbourhood safe, how and why is he being connected to all this, and who the hell is Sherlock Holmes?

Being John Watson-ish by elwinglyre (E, 69,902 w., 17 Ch. || Bodysnatcher AU || Author John, Cranky Sherlock, Angst, Sexual Tension, First Kiss / Time, Falling in Love, BAMF John, Past Soldier John, Feelings, Inside Someone’s Brain, Shy Sherlock, Sherlock Loves John, POV Sherlock, Switchlock, Slow Burn, Internal Dialogue, Mental Turmoil) – When consulting detective Sherlock Holmes steps on one toe too many at a crime scene, he's consigned to a desk job in an archaic office on the seventh-and-a-half floor of the New Scotland Yard. It’s in this bleak office that Sherlock discovers a portal into the mind of renowned author John Watson. Grander than his mind palace, this new wonderland affords Sherlock new vistas of experimentation. To learn more about the mystery behind the portal, Sherlock seeks out and befriends Watson. But then it all goes wrong when others find the secret portal door—including the man whose brain he visits.

The Moonlight and the Frost by CaitlinFairchild (E, 77,289 w., 10 Ch. || Case Fic, Post-HLV, Self Harm, Virgin Sherlock, First Time, Oral/Anal/Rimming, Romance, Angst, Mary is Not Nice) – John has to somehow rebuild his life in the wake of Mary's betrayal and Sherlock's deceptions.

Not Broken, Just Bent by Schmiezi (E, 87,585 w., 43 Ch. || Pining, Love Confessions, Torture, Hurt/Comfort, Heavy Angst, Villain!Mary, Suicidal Ideations, Main Character Death, Sherlock POV, Eventual Happy Ending) – "For a second, I allow myself to remember teaching John how to waltz. There is a special room in my mind palace for it. A big one, with a proper parquet dance floor. For a second, I go there. I remember holding him, closer than the World Dance Council asks for, excusing it with the fact that we are training for a wedding, not for a competition. For a second, I feel his hand on mine again, smell his sweat, hear the song we used. For a second, I allow myself to love him deeply. For a second, only a second, that love reflects on my face." Fix-it for S3, starting at the end of TSoT. Evil Mary.

The Adventure of the Silver Scars by tangledblue (NR [M], 142,458 w., 41 Ch. || S3 Fix-It, Post-HLV/ Post-TAB / Canon Compliant, Case Fic, No Baby, Angst, Humour, UST, Slow Burn, Angry John, Reconciliation, Not Nice Mary / Leaving Mary, Dependent Sherlock, Pining Sherlock, Caretaker John, Fist Fights, It’s An Experiment, Virgin Sherlock, Dancing, Drugging, John Whump, Pet Names, Sherlock’s Mind Palace, Scars) – It’s been thirteen months since Mary shot Sherlock and John finds he’s still pissed off about it. Sherlock had thought everything was settled: John and Mary, domestic bliss. But when John turns up at Baker Street with suitcases, the world’s only consulting detective might not be prepared for the consequences. A new case. Some old scores to settle. Certain danger. Concertos, waltzes, and whisky.

[salty-ironstrange-shipper]

Some Ironstrange Fic Recs to help us ignore Endgame

(complete fics only because we need it)

Anew. | In death, there was no glory, no redemption, no salvation.Only darkness and ice—or that was what Tony thought. He closed his eyes in a Siberian bunker and opened them again on his 41st birthday, with War Machine flying into the distance. | Mature | Words: 130516 

Rewriting Icarus | Stephen and Tony, from the beginning to the end and beyond. | Teen and Up | Words: 23504

Burden of Proof | Based on a prompt/headcanon from my dear rinn aka Maevee: "I do have a tiny headcanon just of Christine meeting Tony and fangirling out a bit, like maybe while she's at work so she's struggling to be professional. Strange tells her he's dating Tony Stark and she doesn't believe him, so he brings her proof." | General Audiences | Words: 2562

No, He’s Your Son | peter, on the phone: dad i forgot my homework can you drop it off in the seminar hall it's empty don't worry strange: ok strange, walking out of a portal into a hall filled with students: peter, loudly: EVERYONE IN THIS ROOM OWES ME FIVE DOLLARS I TOLD YOU MY DAD WAS A WIZA- | General Audiences | Words: 1420

(Somewhat) Holy Matrimony | Dear ______, You are formally invited to the wedding of Anthony Edward Stark and Stephen Vincent Strange October 1st 20XXPlease refrain from bringing any weapons of mass destruction Superpowers to be kept to a minimum Villains are not viable plus ones | General Audiences | Words: 9023

15 Million | For every alternate reality there were ten thousand alternate realities from that. And from those ten thousand more. And then ten thousand more off each of those. And so it goes. The Avengers win once. There’s ten thousand versions of it. Stephen Strange doesn’t know what to make of the fact that Tony Stark seems to be *his* victory. | Explicit | Words: 2766

Hush, Hush | Five times Tony and Stephen keep their relationship secret (not very well) and one time Tony said fuck it. | General Audiences | Words: 8522

Silence Must Be Heard | Tony has been wearing a wedding ring since forever. So long, in fact, that nobody ever questions the lack of a spouse on his side anymore and just teases him for having it. | General Audiences | Words: 1346

132 | Ninety-nine point eight percent of humans have a soulmate mark that tells them the age their soulmate will be when they meet them. Tony Stark has a mark. It's just that his is...different than most people's. (Or: six people who aren't Tony Stark's soulmate, and one who is.) | Teen and Up | Words: 9225

Strange Seas | Defeating the Mandarin had come at the cost of the Ancient One’s life, and while Stephen Strange was trying to save her, the Mandarin’s ten rings of power slipped away in search of new bearers. Now he and his faithful (if dour) companion, Wong, must try to recover them before a new Mandarin can emerge to terrorize the world. Stephen is prepared for fell magics and formidable warriors -- but Tony Stark catches him entirely unawares. Tony Stark was sailing to London to take possession of his father’s offices and factories there when his ship was beset by pirates. Now he’s a prisoner with a magical and semi-sentient artifact buried in his chest, tasked with the impossible and his life on the line. The appearance of a pair of sorcerers seeking the ring that keeps him alive is the very last thing he needs. | Explicit | Words: 74990

I am here | There’s a technical reason Stephen must surrender the Time Stone to save Tony’s life. It has to be done, and that’s enough for him to do it. But just in case, the universe decides to give him a personal reason as well. | Mature | Words: 11708

T For Tony | Your soul mark is the first letter of your soulmate's name. Stephen has an 'A'. But he's in love with Tony. Cue anxiety, jealousy, angst. | General Audiences | Words: 2794

Tony Stark's secret husband | It’s not like they wanted to keep the secret because they didn’t. They never spoke about going public with their wedding, and nobody but for tabloids ever asked either Stark or Stephen about their romantic lives so, again, Tony wouldn’t blame either himself or Stephen for keeping it between the two of them. | General Audiences | Words: 2870

something taken, something new | The ChronicConnection implement and app allows a person that lives with chronic or illness-induced pain to transfer their burden temporarily to a willing loved one. Tony and Stephen sign up as beta testers. | Mature | Words: 14541

Of They and Them | When faced with the brink of death, Stephen is forced to pull one last spell out of his sleeve. It's deemed to fail anyways. Except it doesn't. A full fusion can only be done by the two most compatible souls in the universe. Well, aren't they lucky. | Explicit | Words: 13212

Kairos (n.) | The perfect, delicate, crucial moment. | Mature | Words: 10179

Absence Makes the Heart... | Stephen Strange goes away for awhile, to combat magical threats and train new proteges as needed. Tony Stark misses him, and maybe he does a few sentimental things... like wear Stephen's clothes, and sleep in his loft... and trade stories with his ex. But Tony's not pining. He's not. (He is.) | General Audiences | Words: 4961

Five Times Tony Saw Stephen Naked and the One Time He Helped | Tony isn't entirely sure how he feels about the Sorcerer Supreme. He is sure, however, that he's seen enough of him to make those feelings even more complicated. | Not Rated | Words: 7117

i babysat god and he stabbed me with a fork | If these two idiots don’t sort out their shit real soon, Loki is going to stab everyone in this room and then himself. | Mature | Words: 11395

Peter Parker's Homecoming | Five-year old Peter Parker anxiously waits to go to his new home, where his adopted parents, Tony and Stephen Stark-Strange await his arrival. | General Audiences | Words: 2346

Only a Matter of Time | Captured by aliens, mistaken for a mating pair, Tony and Stephen find themselves having the universe’s most awkward honeymoon. | Explicit | Words: 6056

[freerabbitmanandpig]

My Friend With Parkinson’s

On Oct 1st of this year I was given compassionate release from Allenwood USP for (what was diagnosed as) an unspecified connective tissue disorder. I had served roughly 60 months of a 70 month sentence. To secure this extraordinary release my lawyer had sited the new emergency COVID increased risk criteria, pointing to my status of being prescribed immunosuppressants, as well as suffering from lifelong asthma. Being as that I’d been housed in a care-level 3 medical facility, most of my time had been spent around inmates with chronic conditions, many of them without a chance of making it home within the course of their natural lives. Conscious of the fact that many of these men lacked the financial resources available to my family, especially as the pandemic has left many people in the street without regular employment, I made promises to some of these men to attempt to get their stories out into the world.

Christian Tarantino (Reg. # 14684-050) is a middle-aged man that I met while in Allenwood. A gambler with a good sense of humor, who was generous with his friends and, while in the street, lethal to those who stood in his way. According to the FBI, back in the early 90s Chris was part of a crew that committed a number of armed robberies. In 2011 he was sentenced to three consecutive life-terms for the murder of a guard during an armored car robbery back in 1994, as well as the murder of one of the participants whom he feared would flip on him.

Criminals, conscious of their own status, tend to withhold judgement, and I’d be lying if the description of Chris as a “cold killer”, spoken to me with admiration by more than a few inmates, did not inspire this same admiration in me upon hearing the stories of his exploits. To be clear, I never personally heard Chris tell any stories about his case, or murder in general; the stories he did tell me were often funny ones about the club scene in NY, or his dog. The problem was that, when Chris spoke, I often had to strain to hear him. Still, the Parkinson’s had made him patient over the years, and he did not get frustrated when a person had to ask him to repeat himself, sometimes multiple times. No matter how long it took for him to finish the story, it was worth it to hear it all the way through – as I said, he was funny.

Chris and I had started talking more about his disease a month before my release, after having heard that the Marshall Project had published a short story of mine the year before. The problem, he’d told me one morning, was that a 15-minute analysis with the MD did not take in to account the fact that his PD fluctuated in intensity throughout the course of a given day. Even if you’re classified as a care level 3, you generally only get to see the facility’s MD once a year, with all subsequent outside appointments and medication adjustments being managed by your assigned PA. The key to adequate treatment lies then in the temperament of your PA. My PA was considered the best on the compound and was likely instrumental in getting me the workups and appointments I needed to secure my compassionate release. Chris’ PA was largely considered the worst on the compound (one of two), a bitter woman who often had to be compelled into action via administrative remedies, which Chris was inevitably forced to file. If he came to a sick-call and was not actively in the throes of intense contortions (which he sometimes referred to as ‘crazy legs’) then he was often disregarded. Chris and his PA were prone to devolve into shouting matches, nor was this a problem that she had only with him. Even when he wasn’t engaged in fighting the crazy legs, he was mostly still confined to his wheelchair. There were, on occasion, times when he felt in control of his legs enough to walk, albeit while holding on to another inmate’s shoulders. There was no shortage of willing shoulders, as inmates of all races would step up to ferry him, either to the computer room – where they would inevitable have to help him type his emails, or to the shower – where no handicap accommodations existed. This last omission struck many of us as particularly negligent, considering the yard’s care level. Another problem was the speech impediment. I’d often heard him ask, rhetorically, how it was that sounding like “a retard” when he spoke was not a clear enough indicator of the severity of his condition, regardless of the tremors. Of course ‘retard’ is not really the best adjective for any modern condition, but the point was still valid that, when he spoke, he sounded like a person recovering from a massive stroke – only he wasn’t recovering, Parkinson’s is a degenerative illness.

          The prison had no choice but to provide him with follow-ups to the local neurologist after a highly invasive surgery, known as ‘deep brain stimulation’, in which a device, a ‘neurostimulator’, was implanted into his brain. This local doctor told Chris flat-out that he was incapable of treating him at this stage in his illness, nor is the facility capable of recalibrating his implant.

         At night, a small group of us would walk to pill line to get our evening medications. I got Elavil and Gabba Pentin – the former for my interstitial cystitis, and the Gabba Pentin for more generalized pain. Chris, on the other hand, got a bunch of different pills, each with an Old Testament-sized list of potential side effects. To add insult to injury, the medical staff crushed most of his medications, as though this middle-aged man in a plastic, yellow wheelchair, barely able to get the cup of powder into his mouth, would somehow be able – or even willing, to cheek these many pills so that he could smuggle them back to the unit and…. What? For anyone curious enough to look, Federal Penitentiaries are full to the point of bursting with real narcotics. Who the fuck wants to sniff twenty different PD meds?

         During these evening walks (some of our only time outside of the unit since the pandemic started) the subject of my pending motion came up on a regular basis. It was news, if nothing else. As for Chris, PD does not put him at an increased risk for COVID complications, and although I’d heard him, on occasion, tentatively breech the subject of outright compassionate release, his main request to me was that I put his story up, in the hope that perhaps someone else from the outside would get involved and get him moved to a medical facility. At least then he wouldn’t have to worry about falling down in the shower and bearing the indignity of calling for help, alone and naked on a wet floor that’s covered with other men’s piss and body hair. Before I was released, I wrote one final staff request for him to the medical coordinator attempting to get him transferred to a care-level 4 facility. This was not his first attempt to obtain such a transfer, and, for the purposes of the request, Chris provided me with a list of names of staff members who had seen him fall down, or else had helped him get back to his cell after an accident. It was a long list.

         For a man who devoted a large part of his life to fitness, it’s a hard pill to swallow. In my mind I am stuck wondering what three consecutive life sentences (or a thousand for that matter) really means for someone like Chris, who’s own body has become a prison. In a sense I have an idea – back in 2017, my uncle Steven Parr – a successful and well known archivist in San Francisco, was diagnosed first with Parkinson’s, which was later amended to a diagnoses of Lewy-Body syndrome – a disease that bears similarities to PD. His initial suicide attempt was precluded by his manager, Adam, who was on the phone with my mother at the time. His second attempt, however, was successful. To me, though, the most poignant encapsulation of Chris’s attitude was made apparent when I was pushing him to the showers one morning. He’d removed his shirt before getting back in his chair, and I was struck by his apparent muscle tone and total lack of body fat, despite his sedentary lifestyle,

“Damn Chris, you’re in a wheelchair and still in better shape than half these dudes in here.”

“Yea..” he spoke slowly – struggling to force his tongue to conform to the consonants, “..this is the worst thing god could’ve done to me.”

         In a way it was cruel how the progress in my appeal seemed to engender a sense of hope in some of the other care level 3’s working fervently, without the aid of outside capital or competent legal help, to obtain their own releases before the virus made it’s way to the yard. By Oct 1st the USP at the Allenwood Correctional Complex had 7 cases, all of them quarantined in the shu after having arrived on a plane, and then a bus, with who-knows how many others potentially infected. They’d already shut the medium back down as, despite their ‘best’ efforts at screening all arrivals, 15 cases had popped up in general population. As I already stated above, the administration fought me every step of the way – even after the motion had been granted and I was only awaiting the end of my obligatory 2 week quarantine, the staff refused to allow me to call my family, my lawyer, or even probation, so that I could arrange for transport. I didn’t know whether I’d be going straight home or to a program until the last minute. I could see it in their faces every time they brought me legal mail or were forced to set up my screening for the drug program that I’m in now – they didn’t think I deserved it. Like they had only just found out via the granting of my motion that they presided over an unequal system. I got 8 months back – goodtime I’d lost, along with years-worth of visits and phone calls - “privileges” they justified in taking almost exclusively over dirty urines, and for what? Suboxone. At my final workup the MD confided in me that, prior to the pandemic, they’d been told by the region to start preparations for the MAT program (medication assisted treatment) and to apply for the DEA approval to begin prescribing both suboxone and vivitrol. Unfortunately, these proceedings had to be halted to focus their energies on the then emerging public health crisis. Maybe it’s my prejudices, but itt seemed to me that these people took it personally – as though those reclaimed 8 months had come directly off the end of their own lifespans.

[cmctigue21ahsgov]

Media Assessment of Issue

SACAPS: Article #1 Stepping around Human Misery (Conservative Media Bias)

https://www.nationalreview.com/2020/01/homelessness-policy-failure-for-two-generations/ 

Subject: That we as a country can not sit by and let our mentally ill live prisons and on streets. Also that we should be researching and trying programs to help the mentally ill.

Author: Mona Charen. Senior fellow at the Ethics and Public Policy Institute. She was a speechwriter for both Nancy Regan and Jack Kemp. Served in the whitehouse as the Associate Director of the Office of Public Liaison. Got the Eric Breindel Award for Excellence in Opinion Journalism.

Context: National Review, January 31, 2020. This article was published before the lockdowns in most of America. This means that the homeless at this time although vulnerable to many diseases, COVID19 had not hit many of the homeless populations yet.

Audience: National Review published this article. I think this article was created for the general public.

Perspective: This article was biased and the women who wrote it seemed to really want to educate people about why the mentally ill make up a large percentage of the homeless population and what we should be doing about it. Although it is a left leaning source, she states a lot of facts and seems to want to unite people from all areas of the political spectrum. She wrote, “In Republican and Democratic administrations, in liberal and conservative regions, thousands of disabled people, some veterans who have served their country, sleep under bridges and in abandoned buildings, and eat out of trash bins.” I agree with her position on that there should be more research and housing programs for those who have mental illnesses.

Significance:

- “According to the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration, 60 percent of the chronically homeless have mental-health issues.”

- “A 2015 survey found that more than half a million people are homeless on any given night”

- “Since 1955, there has been a 95-percent reduction in the number of psychiatric beds available”

SACAPS: Article #2 Rent subsidies, mental health care tied to housing stability for homelesshttps://www.reuters.com/article/idUSKBN1XZ2K0 (Impartial Media Source)

Subject: The article is trying to convey that there are homelessness programs that have been shown to help the homeless including those with mental illness

Author: It does not state an author only that the Reuters staff wrote it. I looked it up and this page (https://reuters.zendesk.com/hc/en-us/articles/215713703-How-does-Reuters-gather-news- ) stated that there are about 2400 authors from the site, and that it tries to cover large stories. The person who wrote the link answers questions about Reuters.

Context: Published Nov 15, 2019. This is before the pandemic really hit America which I feel like could affect the urgency of housing for the homeless.

Audience:Reuters published the source. I believe it was to educate people about a possible housing option for the homeless. I think it was published for general citizens' awareness.

Perspective: Yes this text is very objective. The perspective is that homelessness is an issue that affects many people who have mental illnesses and that this is an option that has potential but that also needs to be looked into further. I definitely agree, I think that we can not just sit by and let people live in the streets and if this is an option, we should consider it and test it.

Significance: 

-It directly talks about the Canadian housing program called Housing First

-“All 575 participants in the current study were homeless and mentally ill, and some of them also had substance use disorders”

-“And by the sixth year of the study, people assisted by Housing First spent 86% to 88% of their days in stable housing, compared with 60% to 78% of days in stable housing for individuals who received traditional support services.”

SACAPS: Article #3

San Francisco Mayor London Breed Has Abandoned the Homeless During the Pandemichttps://www.jacobinmag.com/2020/05/san-francisco-sf-mayor-london-breed-coronavirus-covid-homeless-housing (Liberal leaning bias)

Subject: The source is trying to convey that the Mayor of San Francisco has been ignoring an option that would keep thousands of homeless people off the streets of San Francisco. The central message of the document is that the Mayor should not be allowed to not implement a program that would keep people much safer.

Author: Megan Day. Coauthored Bigger than Bernie and is a member of the Democratic Socialists of America.

Context: Date published - 5-6-2020, Jacobin. It means it will be left leaning and slightly biased which makes it less reliable.

Audience: The source was created for people who are left leaning. The article was published about protests which is what a lot of people are reading about right now. It might make the source less reliable because it is trying to appeal to those people.

Perspective: The text is subjective/biased:

“Whatever Breed’s motivation, her inaction is directly endangering thousands of unhoused residents”

-I agree with the author but, she puts in others opinions of why the mayor might be withholding from placing the homeless in the hotels. The reasons are speculation yet, the article seems to view them as possible evidence. There is also no perspective from different viewpoints on the issue.

Significance:

“The ordinance stipulated that the city would procure 8,250 empty hotel rooms and use most of them to shelter the city’s unhoused residents.”

“At the time of this writing, only 727 homeless residents have been moved into hotel rooms.”

3. What are the similarities and differences between these three accounts of your issue?

- The impartial source had much more facts, it gave clear facts and let you draw your own ideas and decisions about what should be done. Both of the biased sources  definitely had more feeling to them. Both of the sources with bias felt reputable but there were definitely parts mixed in of the authors opinion that I had to make sure to pick out and not to confuse with fact.

4. Finally, which source do you identify with most and why?

-I think I identify most with the conservative bias source. I liked that it gave reasons for why such a large percentage of the homeless population is made up of people with mentally illness, as well why many people with mental illnesses end up in prison. The author also focused more on the mentally ill than the liberal source and I liked and agreed the most with her perspective.

[reading-writing-revolution]

This is very thoughtfully and sensibly written by a cardiologist at University of Wisconsin, Dr James Stein:

Stay safe, but also sane, my friends. Thanks for the original share, Califa Witsch.

COVID-19 update as we start to leave our cocoons. The purpose of this post is to provide a perspective on the intense but expected anxiety so many people are experiencing as they prepare to leave the shelter of their homes. My opinions are not those of my employers and are not meant to invalidate anyone else’s – they simply are my perspective on managing risk.

In March, we did not know much about COVID-19 other than the incredibly scary news reports from overrun hospitals in China, Italy, and other parts of Europe. The media was filled with scary pictures of chest CT scans, personal stories of people who decompensated quickly with shortness of breath, overwhelmed health care systems, and deaths. We heard confusing and widely varying estimates for risk of getting infected and of dying – some estimates were quite high.

Key point #1: The COVID-19 we are facing now is the same disease it was 2 months ago. The “shelter at home” orders were the right step from a public health standpoint to make sure we flattened the curve and didn’t overrun the health care system which would have led to excess preventable deaths. It also bought us time to learn about the disease’s dynamics, preventive measures, and best treatment strategies – and we did. For hospitalized patients, we have learned to avoid early intubation, to use prone ventilation, and that remdesivir probably reduces time to recovery. We have learned how to best use and preserve PPE. We also know that several therapies suggested early on probably don’t do much and may even cause harm (ie, azithromycin, chloroquine, hydroxychloroquine, lopinavir/ritonavir). But all of our social distancing did not change the disease. Take home: We flattened the curve and with it our economy and psyches, but the disease itself is still here.

Key point #2: COVID-19 is more deadly than seasonal influenza (about 5-10x so), but not nearly as deadly as Ebola, Rabies, or Marburg Hemorrhagic Fever where 25-90% of people who get infected die. COVID-19’s case fatality rate is about 0.8-1.5% overall, but much higher if you are 60-69 years old (3-4%), 70-79 years old (7-9%), and especially so if you are over 80 years old (CFR 13-17%). It is much lower if you are under 50 years old (<0.6%). The infection fatality rate is about half of these numbers. Take home: COVID-19 is dangerous, but the vast majority of people who get it, survive it. About 15% of people get very ill and could stay ill for a long time. We are going to be dealing with it for a long time.

Key point #3: SARS-CoV-2 is very contagious, but not as contagious as Measles, Mumps, or even certain strains of pandemic Influenza. It is spread by respiratory droplets and aerosols, not food and incidental contact. Take home: social distancing, not touching our faces, and good hand hygiene are the key weapons to stop the spread. Masks could make a difference, too, especially in public places where people congregate. Incidental contact is not really an issue, nor is food.

What does this all mean as we return to work and public life? COVID-19 is not going away anytime soon. It may not go away for a year or two and may not be eradicated for many years, so we have to learn to live with it and do what we can to mitigate (reduce) risk. That means being willing to accept *some* level of risk to live our lives as we desire. I can’t decide that level of risk for you – only you can make that decision. There are few certainties in pandemic risk management other than that fact that some people will die, some people in low risk groups will die, and some people in high risk groups will survive. It’s about probability.

Here is some guidance – my point of view, not judging yours:

1. People over 60 years old are at higher risk of severe disease – people over 70 years old, even more so. They should be willing to tolerate less risk than people under 50 years old and should be extra careful. Some chronic diseases like heart disease and COPD increase risk, but it is not clear if other diseases like obesity, asthma, immune disorders, etc. increase risk appreciably. It looks like asthma and inflammatory bowel disease might not be as high risk as we thought, but we are not sure - their risks might be too small to pick up, or they might be associated with things that put them at higher risk.

People over 60-70 years old probably should continue to be very vigilant about limiting exposures if they can. However, not seeing family – especially children and grandchildren – can take a serious emotional toll, so I encourage people to be creative and flexible. For example, in-person visits are not crazy – consider one, especially if you have been isolated and have no symptoms. They are especially safe in the early days after restrictions are lifted in places like Madison or parts of major cities where there is very little community transmission. Families can decide how much mingling they are comfortable with - if they want to hug and eat together, distance together with masks, or just stay apart and continue using video-conferencing and the telephone to stay in contact. If you choose to intermingle, remember to practice good hand hygiene, don’t share plates/forks/spoons/cups, don’t share towels, and don’t sleep together.

2. Social distancing, not touching your face, and washing/sanitizing your hands are the key prevention interventions. They are vastly more important than anything else you do. Wearing a fabric mask is a good idea in crowded public place like a grocery store or public transportation, but you absolutely must distance, practice good hand hygiene, and don’t touch your face. Wearing gloves is not helpful (the virus does not get in through the skin) and may increase your risk because you likely won’t washing or sanitize your hands when they are on, you will drop things, and touch your face.

3. Be a good citizen. If you think you might be sick, stay home. If you are going to cough or sneeze, turn away from people, block it, and sanitize your hands immediately after.

4. Use common sense. Dial down the anxiety. If you are out taking a walk and someone walks past you, that brief (near) contact is so low risk that it doesn’t make sense to get scared. Smile at them as they approach, turn your head away as they pass, move on. The smile will be more therapeutic than the passing is dangerous. Similarly, if someone bumps into you at the grocery store or reaches past you for a loaf of bread, don’t stress - it is a very low risk encounter, also - as long as they didn’t cough or sneeze in your face (one reason we wear cloth masks in public!).

5. Use common sense, part II. Dial down the obsessiveness. There really is no reason to go crazy sanitizing items that come into your house from outside, like groceries and packages. For it to be a risk, the delivery person would need to be infectious, cough or sneeze some droplets on your package, you touch the droplet, then touch your face, and then it invades your respiratory epithelium. There would need to be enough viral load and the virions would need to survive long enough for you to get infected. It could happen, but it’s pretty unlikely. If you want to have a staging station for 1-2 days before you put things away, sure, no problem. You also can simply wipe things off before they come in to your house - that is fine is fine too. For an isolated family, it makes no sense to obsessively wipe down every surface every day (or several times a day). Door knobs, toilet handles, commonly trafficked light switches could get a wipe off each day, but it takes a lot of time and emotional energy to do all those things and they have marginal benefits. We don’t need to create a sterile operating room-like living space. Compared to keeping your hands out of your mouth, good hand hygiene, and cleaning food before serving it, these behaviors might be more maladaptive than protective.

6. There are few absolutes, so please get comfortable accepting some calculated risks, otherwise you might be isolating yourself for a really, really long time. Figure out how you can be in public and interact with people without fear.

We are social creatures. We need each other. We will survive with and because of each other. Social distancing just means that we connect differently. Being afraid makes us contract and shut each other out. I hope we can fill that space created by fear and contraction with meaningful connections and learn to be less afraid of each of other.