#been calling these fake since December 10

[agenericplaceholdername]

"Thus do the 'leaked episode names', children of someone on the internet, meet their end."

-- the Crystal King, 2022 (slightly altered)

[7grandmel]

Rip of the week: 23/12/2024

PRIMEneria

Season 8 Featured on: Thickmas

Ripped by Yassir F.

I don't know if words could even begin to describe the emotional rollercoaster I have been on since December 19th, 2024.

It's such a funny thing, following this channel for so long. Throughout the early days in Season 1, the team would cobble together ideas for rips, events, and story in mere weeks' time, seemingly just to get reactions out of the fanbase. Beyond the inherent lunacy to The Reboot and I Saw a Brainwasher Today, this was also the year where one contributor just decided to tell a storyline about the Australian rental service Mr. Rental's titular mascot and his hatred for mashups back on Mr. Rental [B Side] ~ Out of Options; this was the year where legendary folk singer Bob Dylan became a reoccurring joke on the channel, just because PinkieOats was on a voice call and sung a cover in a captivatingly shoddy impression back on Can't Say Goodbye to Yesterday - as performed by Bob Dylan; this was the year where the termination of the original GiIvaSunner channel was explained in-universe as being a scheme by Angry Joe, in a slapdash meme tribute to Baneposting in the one year that it was relevant on the channel. It was a mess we all adored following due to the clear passion for entertainment that lay underneath; and when Season 2 returned with an unbelievably explosive bang and showed just how much could be made with this chaos of a story being told, I was more excited than I can put into words. As said back on ULTRA S+G, Season 2 was when it felt as if EVERYONE was aboard the ride that the SiIvaGunner team was promising; shooting for the stars for quality and evolving the lore into something shockingly compelling despite its absurd origins.

It's hard, especially as someone who hardly ever lost their passion for the channel in the first place, to pinpoint exactly where things started to lose Season 2's momentum. Perhaps it was the two years spent covering Season 4, with all the focus spent on an event of unprecedented scale that all ultimately was an aside from the channel's typical mold; during the production of which many core team members wound up leaving to never return, including channel founder Chaze the Chat. Perhaps it was Season 3's more low-key format and direction, one that Chaze the Chat himself appeared adamant to steer away from when Season 4 Episode 1 first began; or perhaps it was all inherent to Season 2's overambitious nature, with the Christmas Comeback Crisis episodes growing ever more vast in scope, eventually resulting in a 6-year long gap between Episode 10 to 11. Perhaps it was later, perhaps it was sooner; nevertheless, its undeniable that the wait occurred, and the driving narrative that had enamored us all throughout Season 2 was left on ice, forever frozen in time on December 2016.

Yet it felt, in a way, inevitable that things would grow in this way. The SiIvaGunner team was growing, its members maturing, its worst influences leaving; and most important of all, their creative juices were flowing like mad. To be confined to one 12-episode run of a fake visual novel couldn't contain the ambitions this team have; even before the CCC began, the aforementioned Mr. Rental and projects of its ilk show just how hard it is to keep SiIvaGunner's contributors from doing what they want. Gradually, it felt as if both the team and us in the audience came to accept that inevitable constant – that the only predictable thing about SiIvaGunner is its unpredictability – and so the side projects grew to the scale of main projects. We'd see experimental projects still hinting at the main story such as The Lost Rip and The Life and Times of Wade L.D.; not long therafter, we'd get everything from the King for Another Day Tournament and NIGHTMARESCAPE ~ Unrestrained Hypercam 2 ~, to The Disappearance of Super Mario and Your Best Nightmario, to entire festivals containing their own events, art direction, and self-contained storylines. SiIvaGunner was no longer just on one lane, but doing so many different concepts and events and journeys with such excellent finesse; even though many had given up on the return of the Christmas Comeback Crisis itself returning, it was impossible not to be impressed and enamored by the effort put into everything that was, effectively, taking its place.

I've made it no secret that Season 5, despite having events I greatly enjoyed such as the aforementioned Mario incident and everything discussed on Epic Rap Battles of History: Funny vs. Funnier, was the time at which my interest in the channel (particularly from a narrative perspective) felt more muted than before. Especially without the behind-the-scenes knowledge I know now of the team's troubled state, it to me was the year when I began to feel as if the channel was forever going to drift along in this excess of creative endeavors. Past an incomplete Christmas Comeback Crisis now filled with sideshoot stories, we still had Mr. Rental left unresolved, now had an AI running the channel that we knew next to nothing about, had a gigantic cast of 32 characters left from the King for Another Day Tournament that each seemed to be prodding at some sort of developments of their own, had Nutshackwoodman34's unexplainable cacophany still up in the air, had everything relating to Astronaut in the Ocean and Yankin', and a multitude of audio dramas with a canonicity that, at the time, felt largely up in the air. I'm well aware of how bizarre this all sounds and I want to clarify that I've long since accepted and adore just how much SiIvaGunner team have been able to do; but back then, I couldn't help but feeling as if things had steered out of control for the lore. In essence, I had to accept that SiIvaGunner was now primarily focusing on its rips, events, and quality; long-time followers of the channel's lore were becoming vastly outnumbered by a growing audience of KFAD kids, Friday Night Funkin' fans joining through excellent rips like Satinpanties Symphony, and those simply here to enjoy what the channel could offer.

This, then, brings us to Season 6 and Season 7. Despite not technically continuing those stories that I was longing after, throughout almost every corner of Season 6 I got the sense that the team was eager to make some genuine change to their status quo; as expressed back on Bramble Blast Collab and I've won, but at what costI've won, but at what cost, there's a solemn feel that underscores the season, the realization that one can't stay hung up to the past forever, which all culminated in its beautiful season finale. It felt as if the SiIvaGunner team had themselves realized just how large their world had gotten and were beginning to grab their many bulls by the horns; and, once grabbed, Season 7 felt like a year-long celebration of each and every facet of the channel's long life. With a series of tribute beautiful enough, as said on The Paragoomba and the Wiggler one whole year ago, to bring me to tears, paired alongside the unbelievable return of the core series Christmas Comeback Crisis with an eleventh episode freed from development hell; I felt as if I was finally, completely on track with everything SiIvaGunner could throw at me. The past was the past, its many endeavors had been celebrated; and now, everyone was caught up and ready to finish that story started so many years ago.

I never quite knew what to expect from Season 8, aside from an understandable sense that the team needed plenty of rest and time after having just finished up the biggest story-related release in the channel's entire history. And so, after just a few events of time to get to know our lovable new channel host Joke-Explainer 7000, I labeled this the "silly season"; a year for a new character to bring back some lower-key whimsy to the channel after the prior two seasons had so expertly reminded us of how much the team genuinely do care about the world they've (almost inadvertently) built. I had no qualms; Joke-Explainer 7000 was hilarious to follow through rips and events such as Super Ludacris JB World, the rips have been higher quality than ever through efforts like Wake Up! It's Friday! and no more nuzzles in my skin, and we were all on the same page in knowing exactly what would come next, eventually. The conclusion to it all.

Yet once again, history repeats itself; the only predictable thing about SiIvaGunner is its unpredictability.

On the train to my family home for a Christmas weekend, I check my phone to see a server-wide ping within the SiIvaGunner discord; was this related to that Direct that I'd told myself to watch after the fact? I shrugged and checked it out althesame, only to be met with an ominous link and a wish of good luck; https://hwcinternaldb.highquality.rip/. A portal into an in-universe file directory divided into five intriguingly named folders, collections of confounding yet alluring files. I return to the Discord server to confirm my suspicions; sure enough, for the first time in 7 years, the SiIvaGunner community is tasked with solving an ARG; a quest across websites, image files, encrypted text, file formats and high quality rips to uncover a truth buried deep within the channel. Yet to say it was only one truth would be misleading; with five folders came five separate branches, five separate community subsets, and five different endpoints.

Inexperienced as I am in ARGs to begin with, I was sadly also too occupied with the holidays to partake in these great mysteries being solved. Yet at every moment I had to myself, I would refresh myself on everything being discovered across all three branches, gradually growing more and more amazed at what I'd called the "silly" season was delivering. More than just providing further teases toward the finale to the Christmas Comeback Crisis, each path was addressing its own loose end from those intermediate years that I'd been so divided on. The FOOLS path explored the aforementioned The Lost Rip duo of NutshackWoodman34 and his best bro and actual brother Jerome, connecting their absurdist videos and reality-bending powers to the Fool's Spirit teased back in Season 7's April Fools event covered back on Christmas Spirit [FILE-07] (Beta Mix); The AIRTH path, meanwhile, uncovers buried logs, thoughts and feelings of the SiIvaGunner AI across all five years of its time spent as host of the channel. Most surprising of all to me, the BLACK path covered something I never thought I would see revisited; Season 2's alternative "Genocide ending" to the first-ever SiIvaGunner storyline, The Reboot, wherein Chad Warden instead chooses to take immediate control of SiIvaGunner for himself rather than sacrificing himself for the greater good. The release of Nice, Slick, Blackness was one of my most treasured memories in all my time following the channel, and seeing its events ACTUALLY explored so many years after the fact – alongside loose ends that I had long since given up on knowing the resolutions to – felt genuinely unbelievable.

I understand that, to even a lot of the channel's biggest fans, being as invested in its lore as I am may come across as a little ridiculous. But to say that this ARG was an absolute dream come true for me was an understatement; as if Seasons 6 and 7 weren't enough affirmation in themselves, as if the SiIvaGunner team hadn't already matched and exceeded all of my expectations with the treatment they gave CCC Episode 11 last year, the ARG and its revelations exceeded every expectation and idea I could have ever had for tying these eight seasons of the channel together. A Visual Novel, an Undertale fangame, an all-new KFAD Mojo! site, a Mr. Rental Choose-Your-Own Adventure game, the best-yet episode of NutshackWoodman34's escapades, and one more as-of-yet unrevealed reward to close the entire season with, a grab-bag of reveals unlike I could have ever thought of...

...all happening while the SiivaGunner YouTube channel itself – along with all the people blissfully unaware of the ARG happening – was uploading rips almost exclusively using hit YouTuber KSI's awful hit song Thick of It. Yeah, remember? PRIMEneria is what this blog post is meant to be about! Cast like a veil over all that's transpired since December 19th, the YouTube-only audience continued to blissfully truck along with one of the most obnoxious-yet-funny rip trends we've had in recent times.

The juxtaposition between the insane lore and fanservice being delivered behind the scenes versus the YouTube channel providing what may be the funniest possible stretch for Winter-themed song to base their event from is genuinely still making me giggle even days after the event's all wrapped up, and the best part is of course that the rips themselves were genuinely really good. Given my track record of covering Jake and Logan Paul rips like Logan Paul's Shop and It's Everyday Lake and last week's post on If Air Man came to life, that would be creepy, it should perhaps come as no surprise that awful YouTuber music is a pet favorite rip source of mine; yet the sheer quotability and horrendous flow of Thick of It makes rips like PRIMEneria special even by those standards. The change in pitch (key?) to the song itself sets it off on such a strong foot immediately, and though the initial 20-seconds or so of the rip are already a really funny mashup, it's what happens therafter that really makes shit funny. Toward the end of the first loop, and for the entire rest of the rip, KSI's vocals are pitch-shifted for specific segments to follow Corneria's punchy hi-octane melody in a way similar to something like no more nuzzles in my skin; and it's arguably even more funny given the song used.

The fucking gall of the SiIvaGunner team, man. The sheer audacity to make my every possible dream for the channel's future and legacy come true practically over the course of a week and to pair it with rips of KSI's Thick of It happening at the same time. Perhaps I wasn't so wrong after all; Season 8 may well still be the silly season, and PRIMEneria is the clearest, funniest showcase of that there could possibly be, capping off the year in unabashed style.

Rock the fuck on, SiIva team.

[mugiwara-lucy]

Since these two stories are linked in some way shape and form I figured I’d make a post covering them equally.

It’s no coincidence that right as Drunky Brewster (my name for Pete Hegseth. 10 bucks if you all get the reference!! 🤣) was confined to be DOD, Shitbreak announced he would use military force to acquire Greenland.

Now while this is DEFINITELY bad, it’s not the end of the world yet. It’s bad because if you all don’t remember during the BLM riots of 2020, Shitbreak wanted to use the military on the rioters but Mark Miley told him no. However with Drunky Brewster as his little bitch, I have no doubt he would do something so atrocious. ESPECIALLY considering that he has praised world dictators and most damning of all, wouldn’t even answer if he would defy the constitution for Shitbreak.

The goodness comes in that neither Drunky Brewster nor Shitbreak seem to be aware of the fact that the REAL power of the military doesn’t come from the generals but from the NCOs (rank 5 and higher). Shitbreak can stick a dumb alcoholic waste of space like Drunky Brewster in charge of the DOD but the NCOs are normal people like you and I. They didn’t sign on to harass people like they do in Shitbreak’s favorite countries, I.e., North Korea, Russia, Hungary and China. Yes there are MAGAts in there but there are more reasonable people so expect when you hear Drunky Brewster order them to invade Mexico or Greenland or attack civilians in the name of a Christian Crusade (he has said that) let’s just say he’ll receive a rude awakening since those are unlawful orders.

Not to mention, this makes ALL of Americans look bad. (Well if it already didn’t with a rapist pedophile in office.) A rapist, sexual assaulting alcoholic with three children born to three mothers with White Supramacist tattoos who wants to “get rid of all wokeness and make the military lethal”. Yeah not a good look.

But where the good part comes in is that a LOT of military are disgusted at the thought of this assclown leading them and I see a LOT of them not wanting to invade allied countries since they are allies.

My point in this? Trump and his little MAGA fake Christians are a bunch of bitches that spend too much time in authoritarian countries that they don’t understand Americans much. I’ll end it with this:

What sparked the BLM riots back in 2020? Because not only were people irate at the state of the economy along with losing jobs and even loved ones to a disease that Shitbreak could have EASILY prevented but was willing to let Blue States go without, but they were angry at seeing people being killed by the police with no REAL repercussions.

Now let’s add on the fact that Shitbreak admitted he has no real plans to fix the economy, said he didn’t care about the economy, sided with Elon Musk who called his own supporters the R Slur and is siding with billionaires who aren’t even doing the fact that they plan on screwing over workers with AI workers in the future and as a result of Shitbreak revoking the EEO of 1964, SEVERAL people have either been laid off, their jobs in limbo or just flat out fired with several college graduates saying they graduated back in December and they had jobs lined up but now they’re gone along with them getting ready to gut the ACA (which magas realize is Obamacare), VA benefits, Medicare and Medicaid….

I’ll let you all speculate on the outcome of that.

[toasttt11]

break ups

December 1, 2022

Mackenzie smiled at herself in the mirror, she had just gotten her hair cut really short and with some layers deciding if she is going to continue to keep her hair straight she wants to like it more.

Mackenzie looked down at her phone ringing and didn’t feel any joy seeing Jackson calling her.

She has noticed over the past three months being in Chicago she really noticed how much Jackson tried to control her life and the little comments he makes, she hasn’t missed him once since she said bye to him. Mackenzie noticed how much she’s been enjoying the little things again, things that haven’t made her happy since she started dating Jackson.

Mackenzie knew she needed to break up with Jackson, she may of really liked him once maybe she could of even started to love him and he was her first boyfriend but she knows she deserves better.

“Hi.” Mackenzie answered the call as she sat on her bed.

“What did you do to your hair?” Jackson immediately demanded looking at her through the screen.

“I cut it.” Mackenzie simply explaining.

“Why would you do that?” Jackson scoffed looking annoyed, “Babe you look like a boy.”

Mackenzie took a deep breath trying to not let Jackson’s words get to her, “Well i like it.”

“Whatever.” Jackson just scoffed again and started talking all about his day.

“I want to break up.” Mackenzie cut him off.

“What?” Jackson questioned looking at her like she is crazy, “Why the hell would you want to do that.”

“I don’t want to date you anymore.” Mackenzie tried to stay stern.

“And i didn’t want to date you when you wouldn’t sleep with me but i didn’t break up with you i just slept with someone else.” Jackson faked sympathized with her.

“You what.” Mackenzie questioned feeling lost, what does he mean he slept with someone else because she wasn’t comfortable sleeping with him yet.

“What?” Jackson just shrugged nonchalantly, “You wouldn’t give me anything i had to find others who would.”

“It’s not like we were ever exclusive.” Jackson just continued nonchalantly.

Mackenzie blinked, they weren’t exclusive? isn’t that what being boyfriend and girlfriend is? They have been dating for over a year and he’s just been sleeping with other people.

“I’m done. We’re over. Don’t ever try to contact me again.” Mackenzie firmly told him not carrying to listen to him trying to talk and hung up and immediately blocked him.

Mackenzie let out a long sigh feeling the wait coming off her shoulders but also blinked the tears out of her eyes realizing he had been cheating on her the entire time.

She should’ve seen all the signs over the year they dated but she was just excited to have a boyfriend for the first time.

October 26, 2021

Mackenzie was in the bathroom in her dorm and came out as Jackson was sitting on her bed holding her shark stuff animal.

“You keep a stuff animal?” Jackson scoffed laughing at her when he saw her coming out, “They are for children.” Jackson rolled his eyes and tossed the shark stuffed animal onto the floor like it was nothing.

“You really should get rid of it.” Jackson bluntly told her and he got comfortable on her bed not noticing Mackenzie freezing as she saw her stuff animal on the floor.

December 10, 2021

Mackenzie was full of smiles as she walked out of the locker room after her game having won in OT with Cole passing the puck to her.

She looked around and found Jackson looking on his phone looking utterly disinterested.

“Hey!” Mackenzie called out smiling as she walked over.

Jackson looked up at her and frowned, “What was that?” Jackson harshly demanded.

“What?” Mackenzie asked confused as her smile slowly faded.

“Hugging Cole on the ice like that.” Jackson practically spat out Cole’s name, “Your taken if you don’t remember.” Jackson glared down at her.

Mackenzie just shook her head looking at him, “Cole is just my friend.” Mackenzie tried to explain. She was confused where this was coming from.

“That’s what they all say.” Jackson hissed stepping away from her, “Talk to me when you want to apologize.” Jackson spat at her and walked away.

Mackenzie just watched him walk away with a frown.

June 28, 2022

Mackenzie was sitting on the boat smiling as she listens to RJ ramble to Connor about a new toy he is building.

“Honestly i don’t get why he keeps talking about it.” Jackson who was sitting next to her groaned as he scrolled on his phone.

“What?” Mackenzie whipped her head around to look at her boyfriend incredulously.

“Like he has to know how boring he sounds.” Jackson simply explained to her with no care as he just looked at his phone.

Mackenzie furrowed her eye brows as she starred at him, RJ is a child and happy, what’s wrong with that?

Mackenzie just let out sigh shaking her head as she thought about some of the things Jackson did.

She closed her eyes thinking about Jackson had been cheating on her their entire relationship, She scoffed to herself what a great first relationship she had.

Mackenzie ran a hand through her short hair and while she wanted to call Aiden and could really use her big brother right now she didn’t want to explain to Aiden how her relationship with Jackson was not perfect and she didn’t want to cause any problems with Aiden and his friendship with Jackson.

She clicked the group chat with Cole and Connor and Connor answered first and Cole answered a few minutes later and Cole seemed to be at the rink and walking away from his team.

“What’s up?” Cole asked immediately once he sat in the bleachers away from anyone else.

“I broke up with Jackson.” Mackenzie blurted out.

“Thank god.” Cole immediately chimed in with a big smile. He’s had a terrible feeling about Jackson for a while and while he doesn’t know exactly what Jackson has done with Mackenzie, Cole has seen how unhappy Mackenzie is around Jackson.

“Are you okay?” Connor immediately asked looking through the screen worriedly.

“Oh yeah are you okay?” Cole sheepishly smiled making Connor and Mackenzie both chuckle.

Mackenzie let out a long sigh, “He was cheating on me the entire time.”

“WHAT!” Cole yelled loudly and angrily waving away the looks from his teammates.

“It’s a good thing i play him soon.” Connor grumbled protectively and was looking forward to hitting Jackson with his hockey stick.

“Dude no fair i want to hit him too.” Cole whined pouting immediately thinking the same as connor and it was not fair that Connor gets to hit Jackson.

Mackenzie laughed softly at her two best friends already feeling better talking to them.

“But are you okay?” Connor asked her again smiling at her laughing.

“I think i’ll be okay.” Mackenzie answered honestly, “Feel relieved honestly.”

“That’s because i said you should break up with him.” Cole piped in with a cocky grin making Connor roll his eyes fondly as he did agree with Cole for once.

“Yeah yeah next time i’ll listen to you.” Mackenzie fondly rolled her eyes at Cole.

[turbulentscrawl]

very curious abt your oc 👀...

The time is now... To preface, I made this character back in December, before Faro Lady was even teased, and I'm not willing to change Evelye's name...but for the sake of sparing confusion, I'll call her Evie most of the time.

(I'm also going to start posting some of the blurbs I've written about Evie and Luchino later.)

Warnings for canon-typical violence, cannibalism, and one mention of sex.

Evelyne Bailey, The Butcher

Age: 29 Nationality: American Likes: cicadas, needlework Dislikes: winter, mystery meat, teeth Talents: cooking, cleaning, trapping wild game Favorite Dish: Fried Okra

Test Indicators:

Selective Food Intolerance

Delusional Paranoia

emotionally starved

She is from America in Appalachia, and her backstory is loosely inspired by the Beast in the Cave.

Evelyne was an only child and her folks ran a little ranch/butchery kitchen in a small mountain town. They were sweet, generous people… Then somewhere in her youth, they made "friends" with strangers who lived further into the mountain range, and in time began killing travelers who passed through town, even going so far as to butcher, and eat them. Evelyne was young enough to not fully grasp what they were doing, and by the time she did, she felt it was too late for her to stop going along with it. Her parents grew to be dark and twisted people, and she took up running the store front due to how horrifying they'd become in appearance and behavior. As she grew older, she helped lure male travelers home for this process.

External Traits

TIDY UP

The Butcher knows how to clean up a mess. The trail left by the Butcher disappears 1.5 seconds faster. After taking damage, she leaves no trail at all for 3 seconds.

BREAD CRUMBS?

The Butcher has a bag of Remains and can use them to mislead a hunter by creating a fake trail for them to follow. At the start of a match she has enough Remains to leave a trail up to 30 meters long. This trail can persist up to 30 seconds and only one trail can exist at a time. Additionally, a new trail will activate the Hunter's tinnitus for the first five seconds after being placed. This ability can be recharged by healing teammates. Each time The Butcher heals one instance of damage, she recovers enough Remains for 10 meters of trail.

STERILIZED

Survivors healed by the Butcher have been thoroughly cleaned and leave no trail for 10 seconds.

HEMOPHOBIA

The sight of a bleeding human makes the Butcher uneasy. She heals allies 10% slower.

PERSONALITY/GENERAL HCS

Evie’s experience running a store front has made her a decent actress. She has above-average persuasion skills and can maintain a friendly facade during small talk. She flounders with deeper conversation, however, and has a tendency to shut down when asked about her pre-Europe past.

Evie’s living situation for the last few years back in Appalachia has made her paranoid of people. She believes that, since her own parents turned on her, everyone else is capable of it as well. Additionally, she’s afraid that people will try to slip her human meat for consumption without her knowledge. Evie is functionally a pescatarian; she will not eat non-fish meat that she did not hunt, butcher, and prepare herself from start to finish. (Beyond this, however, she is not a picky eater.)

Evie refuses to talk about her years in Appalachia. She’s convinced that if people knew what she did, everyone would turn on her and the manor would become her eternal hell. On some level, she thinks she’s a monster deserving of that fate. But her fear is too strong for her to test the waters.

Her paranoia has also made her very aware of physical body language. She’s only average at analyzing people’s words, but she was so used to watching her parents for signs they may attack her again, that she’s excellent at spotting tension, fear, and anger in others. She has also memorized the sounds of every hunter’s and survivor’s footsteps to identify them at a distance. Anyone familiar with paranoid behaviour will notice that she has a tendency to periodically slow down or pause completely during any noise-making activity and listen. When footsteps can be heard, she stops to identify who it is, and only resumes working when she’s determined it’s someone she trusts, or when they’ve passed.

Evie also suffers from nightmares and sudden bouts of extreme nausea.

While friendly at face-value, Evie is paranoid and distrusting of people. At the end of the day, she puts her own security and safety above anyone else's. She avoids standing within arms reach of people, and jerks away if someone leans close, as a reflex to avoid being bitten.

Her pain tolerance is a bit higher than average. Which is fortunate, because she's slightly resistance to pain-relieving medications. She's also somewhat resistant to anesthetics.

She's most comfortable with the Arms Factory and Dark Woods maps, as the taller trees and dense forests remind her a bit of home. She occasionally goes out to trap fresh meat from these maps when they're not in use--this has led to some tension with the Gamekeeper....

Evelyn's relationship with Luchino is a bit complicated. In the beginning she's nervous about him. He's polite and kind enough, but he has a quiet masculinity and bodily enhancements that make him a physical threat to her. But he's private and respectful, and Evie is emotionally and physically starved, so the door is first cracked open through casual sex. Over time, the things that first made her scared of him begin to make her feel safer around him. He's observant, and has good intuition, so he's good at anticipating and curbing Evie's paranoia bouts before they get too bad. The situation with Evil Reptilian further complicates things, as it gives Evie a window into the part of Luchino most like her parents. But at the end of the day, he might just be the bridge she needs to accept her own past and what it means for her own identity.

A Snippet of Evelyne's First Match

Evelyne could not hide from this “game” under the covers of her bed, it seemed. Though she had tried very hard to clutch her sheets, had squeezed her eyes shut until they ached, when she opened them again she was standing in an unfamiliar, forgotten church. The scene was dilapidated, dark, and dreary. If there was a sun, it was hidden behind an endless expanse of murky clouds. It was quiet, save the ominous caw of ravens outside.

Though it had taken Evelyne nearly too long to figure out what she was meant to do with a messenger bag filled with remains–bloody rags and scraps of cloth, tiny chunks of cartilage, bone, fresh offal–it was certainly coming in handy for the twists and turns of ruins. They worked well as gruesome “bread crumbs,” spiraling and coiling in confusing patterns around the crumbling ruins of the ominous church to mislead this Hunter into chasing a false injured prey. She had not so much as seen the face of the Hunter yet, but knew he or she was on-and-off her trail by the strange hammering of her heart. Sometimes she seemed to lose them entirely, thanks to those trails, but they were growing closer. Smarter, perhaps, or used to her tricks.

Another gong-like sound echoed in the distance. That was the second ‘cipher,’ she believed, which left three more to go. That seemed like too long.

Evelyne paused next to a set of lockers to catch her breath. The crackly voices of her ‘teammates’ sounded off in her earpiece with their decoding progress. For a moment, her fear seemed to ebb and Evelyne thought she might finally be in the clear.

A wave of fog suddenly surged over a wall and towards her, and before she could even wonder where it had come from, the Seer’s owl dropped down from the sky in front of her. It cut through the fog with wings like blades, and then surged off again with a screech, leaving Evelyne frozen and confused. All at once, she was hit with the feeling that she was in greater danger, that her enemy had just gotten stronger somehow, and that she was being watched.

A chill ran up her spine just before the wall across from her came crashing down.

Evelyne briefly took in a gangly man with a top had and a hand of long razors climbing over the rubble–giggling–before she took off in a sprint through the maze. Another rush of fog surged after her, and her feet kicked up dirt and dust with her skidding attempts to dodge. When it flew past, she swore it felt like someone had grazed her with a knife. As she doubled-back around a sharp bend, she heard a sickeningly sweet voice calling from beyond the walls.

“How tasteless of you,” the unsettling man said with raised volume. “Leaving me only stale, rotting scraps about when your fresh meat is so close at hand!” She felt eyes on her back again, but couldn't place from where. Another gong, but this time the sound covered the one of another crumbling wall.

It collapsed on top of her, and Evelyne dropped under the crushing weight with a cry of pain. Some of the rubble had cracked against her skull and now the dreary world was spinning and pulsing. The gangly, too-tall, top-hatted man stands over her, wiggling his knife fingers like he’s waving hello. The blades were almost as long as her arms; he had to stand at least 7 feet.

“Finally I get to meet you face to face,” he says. “You can call me Jack, my lady.” Jack the Ripper, she briefly recalled of the Seer’s lessons. A real, bonafide serial killer. If she had the energy, she would have spit in his face.

Jack bent down and plucked Evelyne from the rubble with one hand, lifting her like a weightless ragdoll and holding her in his arms. Though dazed, sore, and confused, she had sense enough to struggle in his hold. She squirmed and kicked all the way to the “chair” he would be placing her on, until she suddenly remembered the bag slung across her torso. As a last-ditch effort, Evelyne swung the half-filled thing into Jack’s face, splattering him with the gore he claimed to love so much. He yowled and dropped her.

The fall knocked the wind out of her, but Evelyne scrambled to her feet and ran as fast as she could.

[le-trash-prince]

Em, I came into the whole 'Benz-Garfield are desperate to get paired and/or make KimKenta happen' thing halfway through and I feel like I'm still desperately playing catch-up. Congratulations to them on making Part A happen and good luck with Part B, though! But in the interests of me continuing to play catch-up on this whole fascinating process, do you know if there's a timeline of events or a tiktok folder or *something* out there to help me piece together when all of this properly took off and when Benz in particular decided to go full unhinged with it?

Thanks for your help!

Anon if you weren't watching Pit Babe as it aired, I hope you are prepared for the emotional roller coaster that happens when you are waiting every week to see if Kim and Kenta even get screentime together. I felt like I was watching the last several episodes of Pit Babe on a fever high.

I am actually working on a timeline, but it’s not fully cohesive nor complete yet, since there’s simply so much to sift through on multiple social media platforms, and no platform has a perfect search function. It also doesn’t yet include social media posts where they were simply just… flirting with each other, but all the social media posts on the blog should at least be dated.

If you want to go through things more quickly, the archive page has a tag filter (one of my favorite tumblr features), and you can swap in any tag you like in the url, since the dropdown only lists featured tags.

It’s also hard to pinpoint a single moment when Benz decided to go unhinged with it, since he’s been pushing it from pretty early on. There also aren’t any dedicated translators in BenzGarfield fandom who are fluent in both Thai and English, so we either get machine translations or translations that are few and far between. There's also a lot of old posts that have been deleted, or accounts that have gone private, so even just the act of gathering everything is an effort, let alone organizing it into a big picture.

Here's what I can give as a highlight timeline though.

They met in late 2022 (Love Fest Thailand in November or December I think, I couldn't find pics, but I did just watch an old interview last night where they talk more in depth on their first impressions, which I plan on recording and uploading, but Garfield said something that can be paraphrased to the extent of "Do people this friendly and charming exist in real life?")

Benz was mingling with Change2561 actors, but they officially became coworkers in Feb 2023 when they were both cast in Pit Babe

Boys Journey started filming very shortly after—I don’t have a sharp timeline but the range is sometime from Feb to May. Benz was already going at it in Boys Journey (“BenzGarfield forever” - ep 10), when they ostensibly didn’t know their roles or if they’d be put in an actual ship (they were somewhat rotated around with ppl until later in Boys Journey, when I imagine the staff had chemistry based partnerships in mind)

In March, Garfield said he would choose Benz to flirt with out of all the cast.

By August, Benz was asking Garfield to take his last name 🤷‍♂️ (but Garfield keeps trying to take Benz's first name instead)

There was a lot going on while Pit Babe was filming (Sept-Nov). They were excited about filming the two whole scenes they had together, they tweeted about it the night before, they were improvising what communication between Kenta and Kim might be like, Benz was visiting set even when he didn't have any scenes (albeit likely for the free food, but keeping Garfield company while Charlie fakes his death is a nice bonus)

I haven’t been able to find it again (yet)(thank you YT’s horrible search function) but there was a livestream last year where Benz talked about Kenta calling Kim and inviting him to Thailand, which… never happened, so I can only assume they were at the point of making things up (which actors sometimes do when they need a better grip on a character), and probably explains the really loaded look they gave each other in the elevator, bc to them there had been more interactions between their characters.

The first event they did together (outside of full-cast stuff) was the RealMe sponsorship in September 2023, but it was presented as Garfield & Benz (didn’t stop Benz from once again asking Garfield to take his name). The first time (that I’m aware of) that they had an event with their ship name was the GarfieldBenz x Central Rayong event in December 2023. Filming was completed in November, so they obviously had known for a while that KimKenta weren’t a couple, but that wasn’t going to stop them from bickering over which of their characters would like the other first

In February, they were posting really shippy stuff right before the Pit Babe finale, which felt like queerbaiting at the time, but we didn’t know that Long Beans was being planned (they would begin the physio workshop a month later), so I think this was either a “we’re excited we get to play a ship but can’t say anything yet” or a “staff hasn’t made up their minds on casting us so let’s just show some potential.”

Also at the finale in February, Garfield said he wanted to be Kim's faen.

By the time Long Beans was announced in March and they were officially announced as BenzGarfield, there was no holding back, especially on the KimKenta front. Benz made a fuss during Long Beans presscon about them not getting any screentime together, and during the Changing event in April they talked about going to the writers and begging for KimKenta/KentaKim.

Anytime they're asked about S2, they're vague about it, and I imagine they will be until we see something onscreen (they have to keep me desperate and foaming at the mouth), but they have expressed that they want to continue working as screen partners for a long time. If KimKenta happens I don't think anyone will be happier than those two.

I hope this helps, anon! Trying to capture and organize all of their moments is a daily task, and it sometimes feels like I am Sisyphus.

[absurdbootlegs]

Digi Pets

Type: Bootleg Tamagotchi/Giga Pet

Company: KidsOnly

Distributor: Toynk Toys

Availability: This bootleg has been available on a number of different e-retail sites, including eBay, Target, Walmart, and Amazon since around 2004.

Info/Summary (photo examples after the break): Digi Pets have been available in some form since at least 2004. The 2004 version had 32 pets you could choose from; they don’t appear to be from the Bunny ROM.

In 2005, the number of available pets was scaled down to 10 options and updated to sprites which may be original. These sprites persist through all the future versions, the newest of which was released in 2010.

Despite this vpet having been out of production since c. 2010, Target, Walmart, and Michael’s have sold it as recently as December 2024. Angry reviews on the Target site indicate they have not aged well (see links after the break).

The gameplay is very simple, and the sounds are very annoying. From a gameplay video of a post-2005 version:

“A very simple pet but really cute animations. You get to choose 1 out of 10 different animals; they do not evolve, and it doesn't include any games on them. I got it in a lot, but wouldn't pay more than $7-$10 for it [NB: it currently retails at ~$25].

Most would consider it fake but I consider it an odd simple pet, because it has it's own original programming and it doesn't reset by itself unlike some other unbranded pets which does...”

This appears to be a different Digi Pet toy than another one of the same name carried by Target during the 2024 holiday season. While that one was a Bunny Rom toy, this bootleg seems to be more similar to a bootleg Giga Pet.

2004 version

Number of pets: 32

Known colors:

Clear blue

Clear red

Front/Back view:

————

2005 version

Number of pets: 10 (and updated sprites)

Known colors:

Green

Yellow

Pink

Red

Front/Back view:

————

2006 version

Number of pets: 10

Known colors:

Green

Pink

Front/Back:

————

2008 version

Packaging is now green. It looks a lot like the 2010 version in terms of packaging, but the back lists its creation date as 2008.

Number of pets: 10

Known colors:

Green

Front/Back:

————

2010 version (being sold in 2024 in Target, Michaels, and Walmart)

Number of pets: 10

Michael’s, Walmart and Target are being supplied these toys through a company called Toynk Toys (who also have all four colors for sale on their own website). This outfit also sold some older versions of Digi Pets. I’m guessing Toynk Toys found some old stock that they decided to quietly push in order to get rid of it.

None of the 2010 examples have back-of-box photos available, but we know the manufacture date based on angry Target reviews, one of which read as follows:

Did not work

1 out of 5

Would not recommend

Item did not work upon arrival. Batteries were heavily corroded and the manufacture date showed 2010. We bought new batteries and replaced them, and the item still didn't work.

[source]

Known colors:

Yellow

Red

Green

Purple

Front:

[dailyunsolvedmysteries]

What happened to Marilyn Bergeron?

On the morning of February 17 2008, the day after she had finished relocating herself from Montreal, Marilyn told her parents she was going out for a walk. She was wearing a long black overcoat with gray fake fur trim and suede boots. With the exception of her credit card, she left any other identification at home.

Shortly after 11 a.m., Marilyn stopped at an ATM at the Caisse Populaire on Boulevard de l'Ormière in Loretteville. Her attempt to withdraw CAD$60 was declined. Security camera footage released later shows her looking behind her several times during the encounter. She also had a black backpack slung over one shoulder. At 4:03 p.m. Marilyn bought a cup of coffee at a Café Dépôt in Saint-Romuald, 20 kilometres (12 mi) south of her parents' house, on the south side of the St. Lawrence River. She paid using her credit card. The clerk, who confirmed that Bergeron was the customer he served, said that she seemed depressed and eager to leave the store. No one has seen her since then, nor has the credit card been used.

When Marilyn failed to return home by that evening, her family reported her missing to the Quebec City police, who were soon able to track her banking records to the ATM and the coffee shop.

While it is possible that she could have walked the entire 25 kilometres (16 mi), the shortest route between her house and the Café Dépôt, her family believes it is most likely that she was driven by someone, or hitched a ride. When police released the ATM video on the anniversary of Marilyn's disappearance a year later, they asked if anyone who might have driven her that day could remember it and come forward.

The Bergerons later announced that the tip line had drawn 43 reports of sightings. They were accompanied by a man who had had some conversations with Marilyn during her last months in Montreal that went into further detail about why she felt she had to leave that city and return home so abruptly.

Jonathan Gauthier, a friend of Marilyn's from college, had reconnected with her in Montreal in late 2007. On December 10, he told the media, he had gone to meet her and go out to a party. At her apartment, he was immediately struck by the difference in Marilyn's demeanour. Instead of being cheerful and upbeat as she had been previously, Gauthier says, she was downcast, listening to music in the dark. Marilyn's mood lifted somewhat when they went to the party, but then, Gauthier continued, after talking to a friend of hers Marilyn suddenly became anxious, as if that conversation had revived an unpleasant memory, and she asked to go home. Back at her apartment, he said, her mood further deteriorated and she began crying continuously. Attempting to calm her down, Gauthier asked if she had been raped, or witnessed a murder; she emphatically denied both.

Instead, Marilyn told him something worse had happened. Gauthier asked her repeatedly what it was, but she refused to say. "You can't even begin to imagine what I've been through, Jo", he says she told him. "I tried to get her to say what it was for three or four hours", he said. "I got the impression that she did not want to put me in danger".

At an October 2022 news conference in Hawkesbury, Bellemare shared an account of another possible sighting of Marilyn there. Another resident had told Quebec police that one cold and rainy night in December 2009, he and his wife were awakened by a knock on their door at 2 a.m. A young woman was there, wearing only a light jacket, white T-shirt, jeans and high heels, inadequate protection from the weather. Crying, she asked if she could use their phone to call someone else in town.

The couple gave her a towel to dry herself, and she calmed down. She made her call, but did not seem to get an answer. Then she asked for directions to a nearby street. The man offered to drive her there, but she declined, saying it was close enough to walk. After apologizing for disturbing them, she left 10-15 minutes after knocking at the door.

She never returned, and the couple assumed she was just someone who had gotten lost. Three months later, they saw a news report about Marilyn's disappearance and recognized her as the woman who had come to their house that night. She had been blonde rather than brunette, but Marilyn's family said she had sometimes dyed her hair, and showed pictures of her as a blonde at the news conference.

The Hawkesbury man had told Quebec police about the encounter later in 2010; this account had not been made public before the news conference. Béchard, who was also present, believes the woman was her daughter. Other unspecified new information has led the family to believe that she may still be alive and living somewhere in Ontario. She asked anyone who might know anything else to come forward. "If she has a new life and wants to be left alone, we will respect that," she said.

[fangirlonfilm]

“mom said i’m only allowed to go if my siblings can tag along”: are the New Jersey Devils’ and the Vancouver Canucks scoreboards connected by the force of brotherly love?

it goes without saying that this is for FUN, i don’t know how to properly handle data but i tried my best and that’s enough for now and for me. english is not my first language so mistakes are due to be seen, you are welcome to correct me or ask me anything if doubts are presented. 

hi. so first things first, let me introduce myself. i’m cassie, 23, a hardcore fangirl for 10+ years now and new to the hockey world (got into it late october). i’m a devils fan first and foremost, but i do occasionally watch some canucks and habs games (and that’s on me being in love with cole caufield and quinn hughes, because even though i love the game (#LGD), i also loOoOove the players <3). 

i actually wrote three huge paragraphs explaining how i had this idea but i sound bsc so long story short let’s just say that it’s something that i’ve been noticing since late november: 

whenever the devils and the canucks have games on the same day (or night, whatever you call it), they end up having the same outcome (as in W or L) more often than not. fast forward to mid january/2025, this analysis idea came to me in a dream. or, more specifically, that one moment before you go to bed where you start making up fake scenarios in your head but they get progressively worse and unhinged cause you’re tired af and on the brink of hallucinating. so here i am trying to find out if there’s a ‘bro code’ type of trend behind the nhl.

out of their 26 shared game days, eighteen ended with the same result for both teams. they also won and lost an equal number of games: 9 each. coincidence? maybe. entertaining? absolutely. not safe to say that there’s a 69-ish% chance that they’re connected by the force of family in some way.

out of those games:

five were away for both of them - AA;

five were home for both of them - HH;

four were away (njd) and home (van) - AH;

four were home (njd) and away (van) - HA.

pretty consistent i’d say.

on the AA games we had:

oct. 17: NJD x OTT (3-1) & VAN x FLA (3-1)

nov. 23: NJD x WSH (3-2) & VAN x OTT (4-3)

nov. 29: NJD x DET (5-4) & VAN x BUF (4-3 OTW)

dec. 12: NJD x CBJ (4-2 L) & VAN x VGK (3-1 L)

dec. 31: NJD x ANA (3-2 L) & VAN x CGY (3-1 L)

but when it starts to sound like “this our place, we make the rules”, it looks a little like this (HH):

dec. 6: NJD x SEA (3-2) & VAN x CBJ (5-2)

dec. 8: NJD x COL (4-0 L) & VAN x TBL (4-2 L)

dec. 10: NJD x TOR (2-1 OTL) & VAN x STL (4-3 OTL)

dec. 12: NJD x LAK (3-1) & VAN x FLA (4-0)

dec. 23: NJD x NYR (5-0) & VAN x SJS (4-3)

and when your siblings get to travel around the US and Canada, but you’re stuck in Vancouver (AH):

oct. 15: NJD x CAR (4-2) & VAN x TBL (4-1)

nov. 12: NJD x FLA (4-1) & VAN x CGY (3-1)

dec. 28: NJD x CAR (5-2 L) & VAN x SEA (5-4 OTL)

jan. 16: NJD x TOR (4-3 OTL) & VAN x LAK (5-1 L)

but the world moves on and now you’re the one on a plane (HA):

nov. 7:  NJD x MTL (5-3) & VAN x LAK (4-2)

nov. 27:  NJD x STL (3-0 L) & VAN x PIT (5-4 L)

jan. 11: NJD x TBL (3-2 OTW) & VAN x TOR (3-0)

jan. 14:  NJD x FLA (2-1 SO/L) & VAN x WPG (6-1 L)

that being said, when they are both away, their final results are pretty similar. in almost all of the games listed they had the same results or goal difference.

in HH, both teams scored 17 goals each throughout 5 games (3.4 GPG) in december only. happy hanukkah and merry christmas, i guess! also they lost in OT (dec. 10) to teams that are in the same conference as them, irrelevant, but i do feel the need to point it out. if you wanna know my opinion, jack ‘we are addicted to screen time’ hughes might probably be texting the bros gc “how do we feel about a double L tonight for our family?”. they might as well share one brain cell between the three of them

in AH the stats are the same, 17 goals each. when one of them had a OTL and other an L, the former team’s final scoreboard had a 2+ goals difference. and i just realized that dec 28 was a terrible day for both teams (for njd, it was that game where timo got a major penalty against necas and when van blew the 4-1 lead they had till literally the 5 min before the final whistle). YOLO i guess

literally have nothing to analyse on the NJ!home x VAN!away games besides the fact that they need to get their things together and play like professional athletes once again (opsies)

that all being said, you can’t tell me that those three aren’t a little bit sus. they aren’t triplets, but there might be some telepathic, sixth sense type of thing going on. #connected4lyfe #swag.

are there any other teams in the league that have been going through this or something similar in this season? i get too busy and overwhelmed keeping tabs on the devils (and occasionally van and habs) that i don’t really notice all the other 29 teams. or maybe i’m going insane. if so, let me know cause i’d love to dive into it, who knows what other strange parallels we might uncover till mid april?.

again, this literally means nothing, but i, personally, think it's lowkey funny (like giggling and kicking my feet as I write this) that both teams mirror each other’s results. and that's on hughes your daddy !!

xo,

[welabee]

Strings (ongoing title, still thinking about it, its a fiction)

—

Mama—my mother—always told me, ever since I was a kid, that I shouldn’t trust everyone, including her, except myself. I never really understood what she meant back then, but now, I finally do. It’s not about having trust issues or just being cautious—though, of course, we should always be careful—but this, this is different.

My mama works at a company where she met all of her work friends. If I calculated correctly, she has been working there since before she got pregnant with me—so, almost three decades now. She has real friends there, but some? Nah. Some are just show-offs and fakes, though I can count the ones who genuinely care about her. We’re not rich like some of her workmates, but the real ones never looked down on her. They saw her as a true friend. The others? No comment.

Every May, the company holds a Family Day, where some of my mama’s co-workers bring their kids—including me and my brother. I got close to most of them, but my best friend among them was Veronica. She was one of my mama’s co-workers, though they weren’t particularly close. Veronica was cool—kind of tomboyish. She loved playing games on her big tablet but preferred physical games even more. She was sporty, while me? I didn’t really have any particular talent as a kid. But I did love coloring books. It was relaxing and rewarding, especially after finishing a page.

There was this one time I was busy coloring when this boy—one of the "company kids"—kept annoying me. But his sister? She was different. Quiet, pretty, always watching me from a distance. I wasn’t sure if she was silently judging my coloring skills, but she gave me the creeps. She had long, shiny hair, bangs covering her eyebrows, and the longest, curliest eyelashes I had ever seen. She wasn’t just pretty—she was gorgeous. All of my mama’s co-workers adored her. But I wasn’t jealous; she was kind and even gave me snacks sometimes.

Anyway, back to her brother—Zeke. He was annoying and loved teasing me and the other girls in our little group (yes, we called ourselves a "group" since we were always together at company events). But oddly enough, he was very protective of his sister.

May and December were the months when all the “company kids” would gather—May for Family Day and December for the Christmas party. I was 10 years old when I met my real circle of friends. We were all children of my mama’s closest work friends—eight of them in total. That made 14 of us in the group, including my brother. First, the twins, Bella and Ella. The quiet girl (Zeke’s sister) Zyra. The annoying kid, Zeke. The quiet boy who always played on his psp, Steven, like the Steven Universe show. The musician and the soccer player siblings, Leah and Joshua. Veronica, my closest friend at the time (but we’ll get to that later). The artist girl who loved to draw, Shaira. The SpongeBob fanatic who later got me into the show, Jerome. The guy who played instruments (Leah and Joshua’s cousin), Caleb or Cali, and his little sister Michaela. And of course, my brother Nat and me.

It sounds unreal, right? But this kind of thing happens in real life. Over the years, with all the annual gatherings, birthday parties, and sleepovers, we became inseparable—even that annoying Zeke turned out to be a nice guy. He even had a crush on Shaira, the artist girl.

But as we grew older, things changed. Veronica moved away when I was 13, We promised to stay in touch, but we didn’t. She found new friends, and that was that. At first, I was sad and disappointed, but my other friends comforted me, and I moved on.

At 14 years old, I started learning to play a musical instrument. I felt left out because I was the only one in the group without any talent. So, my mama signed me up for guitar lessons—with none other than Leah and Joshua’s father as my teacher. Their mother, one of my mama’s closest friends, was also my godmother. That’s also when I got closer to Caleb (Cali), their cousin, who played multiple instruments and had an amazing voice. He was two years older than me.

I practiced guitar until I was 16. We even played together like a real band. But then, COVID hit. We were all separated. Some moved to other cities, others left the country. Some of us simply grew apart.

Today, only eight of us remain in the group. It’s sad because we literally grew up together—we shared food, sleepovers, and inside jokes. My brother? He’s still in the group but doesn’t talk much anymore. He just ghosted us. Let me reintroduce everyone so things don’t get confusing. The twins.Bella & Ella. Zyra (the pretty, quiet girl) & Zeke (the former annoying kid)—now living in Cagayan de Oro with their dad. Leah & Joshua—still here, still my close friends. Steven (the PSP guy)—moved to the U.S. to study medicine but still keeps in touch. Shaira (the artist girl)—now studying architecture in CDO. Caleb (Cali)—still playing music, still like a big brother to me Michaela—not "little" anymore. Jerome… passed away. COVID took him, but I still doubt that was the real cause. I remember seeing him in an ambulance once, his mom crying over him. I never found out what illness he had, but I miss him so much. He was the kindest person—he used to share his Crayola crayons and snacks with me when we were kids.

And then there’s my brother, Nat, and me.

Hi, I’m Nicole, I’m 20 years old, and I’m studying at the best university in our country—my dream school. Is it hard? No, I don’t think so. And this is my story.

[evita-shelby]

What Happens in Vegas

Or the modern!Jack Nelson x Eva Smith(oc) prequel to What Happens in Vegas where Jack and Eva elope in Las Vegas

Chapter 1

“Is this seat taken?”

Jack Nelson could forget his own name, but never her.

How could he when they had the best Vegas experience in his life? One moment he’s sharing a crappy hotel room with his friends, the next he’s living it up in the penthouse with a hot girl with a lot of cash to burn.

She had mentioned starting business school, just never mentioned the college. She had heard him brag about how he did the impossible to make it into Harvard and gave him a sample of the life he’d soon live.

Now she was here, looking like she came off a modeling catalogue and ready to continue what they started. Or else she’d be pretending he doesn’t exist, wouldn’t be the first time his flings ended badly.

“Saved it just for you, sweetheart.” He can’t even hide his grin as he speaks.

It started out as just sex amongst friends, they partner up for class often and by winter break Jack knows no one better to ask for Katie’s stupid destination wedding in Cozumel.

He needed someone to pretend to be his girlfriend who could survive being grilled by his mom and sisters about their fake relationship. No woman he’s been with knows him as good as the gal sitting on the passenger seat of his car wearing his old hoodie because they couldn’t find the shirt in the mess back at his place.

Eva would be perfect as his fake girlfriend. All she has to do is agree to spend the week after Christmas with him and his family where everyone will believe they have been dating for a while now.

“Katherine is trying to set me up with one of her sisters-in-law and I may have lied and said I was already seeing someone.” Jack has never been timid and yet here he was feeling a sudden shyness as he shares his predicament with Evie while they share a beer and tacos as part of their post midterm celebration. “She called my bluff and now wants me to take my nonexistent girlfriend to Cozumel or she’ll unleash her desperate bridesmaids on me.”

“Promoting me from fuck buddy to fake girlfriend, what an honor!” Evie teased wiping taco grease from the edge of her lip with the sleeve of his hoodie. “On a scale from 1 to 10 how committed are we?”

Jack has no idea why she’d agree so quickly. He knows she has family that wanted to spend time with her and has been dreading the open invitation to Mexico City this Christmas. That she’d accept a trip to Cozumel with him and his family, who barely knows her, over it is rather baffling.

Her aunt was bitchy but nice enough, adored her from what he’d seen. Her cousins were great guys too, Nacho had covered for him when Livia de Souza asked him what the nature of his relationship with her nice/adopted daughter was.

“Enough to make my family believe we’re in love and all that bullshit. Sorry for springing this up on you at the last minute.” He drinks his beer hoping to settle his fears of her backing out.

“Oh, don’t worry, I’ve got nothing else to do besides avoiding my family this December.” The dark-haired beauty dismissed his apology and added, “Would make up for my abysmal birthday gift two weeks ago.”

“You shouldn’t have opened it in front of your aunt, Evie.” So, he’d gotten her a thong with the words ‘breakfast of champions’ that he saw at a novelty shop while out with his friends, how was he supposed to know her aunt would be visiting from Mexico City that day?

Or that her aunt would turn as red as her hair when she learned Jack was not just her friend but friend with benefits who she’s been seeing since they met in Vegas.

“The deal’s off if you make me fly coach, Nelson.”

[running-on-coffee-and-anxiety]

An Orphan's Journal, Entry 10

Monitoring increased for Samuel Elliason due to unusual activity. Cat Nap’s handler reported odd behavior, no deployment of Red Smoke when interacting with the subject and seems to potentially retain full or partial memories of prior friendship. Attempts to speak despite the broken voicebox have been reported. Concern of Experiment-1188 potentially losing conditioning are expressed but unlikely.

December 18, 1990

They said Christmas is in a week, a week is seven days and Christmas is December 25, and 25 minus 7 is 18, so today is December 18. I’ve gotten a lot better with words and numbers this year, so that is really nice. Things are okay I guess. Marie has been really jumpy since Cat Nap came to meet everyone, scared of loud noises and always looking around the whole room and sitting in the back of every class. I don’t understand what she seemed scared of, but she’s still really nice to me and she does not look really bothered by it, so I guess it’s okay. She isn’t acting like Theo did so she has to be okay. Maybe it’s a part of growing up? Miss Stella said that Marie was going to turn thirteen next year. She’s a big kid now. I hope she doesn’t leave, I don’t wanna be alone again.

Cat Nap sometimes comes out at night, but I don’t think I’m supposed to know. On nights when I can’t fall asleep, sometimes I look out my window and stare at the fake moonlight in Playcare and watch how all the colors look different in the dark. It doesn’t make me feel better or feel sleepy, but I don’t feel angry when I look outside. I’ve been feeling angry a lot more, but I don’t know why. I have not told the adults, I think they forgot over time. I think it’s been a lot of months since Theo died, the doctors stopped coming to make sure I was okay after a while. I have no clue when the last time Doctor Kovach read my writing.

I got distracted. That’s a bad thing when writing, Miss Delight says so. The Miss Delight that teaches English? I forgot they are all sisters and have the same last name. I’m gonna call her ‘Miss De-write’. But Cat Nap sometimes comes out at night. It looks like he lives in the Playhouse, but I never see him during the day after the first visit so I don’t know. He’s very stretchy, if I’m awake and looking out the window long after I’m supposed to be asleep, then he leaves the Playhouse and most of the time he sees me and walks over to stretch up and rest his head on my window. We can’t open the windows, so I just put my hand on th glass and watch and listen. They said Cat Nap has a broken voice, but I think he’s trying to talk. He starts wheezing sometimes, but the wheezing changes like he’s trying to say words.

I started trying to talk again too. Only with Cat Nap. I can’t make words yet, but I’m making sound, like Cat Nap. Maybe we can learn to talk again together. Cat Nap keeps coming to me. It reminds me of every time I went to Theo before. Is Cat Nap treating me like a good friend? Family? Theo was family, he promised to try and get us adopted together. I don’t know if I want a family anymore, but I like Cat Nap. Maybe when I can talk again I can read to Cat Nap. I think he’d like that a lot.

But I’m not stupid. I know the adults like to think they know everything because they are all older than us, but they don’t. I don’t know about the other kids, but I see things I think are supposed to be kept secret. I was hungry and wanted to get a snack, so I left my room, but I saw Cat Nap go to another kid’s room and I got curious. I don’t know Paige well, but maybe if Cat Nap wanted to play I could play with them. Maybe I could make a new friend playmate. Not a friend, I don’t think I want anymore friends. But when I looked in the room, Cat Nap breathed something that looked like smoke but was bright red in his face and Paige fell back on his bed and was asleep but his face was all scrunched up. I got a smell, it was like the Poppy doll’s hair, but I felt sick and dizzy after and went back to my room. I felt really bad and I had a nightmare when I finally fell asleep that night, though it was all fuzzy and I don’t remember what it was about, just that I was scared.

I wonder if that’s why Marie has been so jumpy? I don’t wanna think about it. Cat Nap probably just wants to help us sleep, the nightmare can’t have been caused by him.

But why does he never put me to sleep, then?

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[absolutebitchgetter]

The problems of CS. Combined in one.

Since the CS ninjas are onto me, i shant give up. You will forever hear the tunes of the rumours of ABG'S unbanning.

Heres all the CS posts i can find:

All of this might share the same topic, and thats a feature of how Comic Studio doesnt - or probably will never - fix its problems. Insane. I know. However, why am i not giving up if we cant fix it?

To save people's sanity.

Im trying to get unbanned so i can prove i am trying to become a better person, and save people's mental health by pointing out thr flaws in:

-moderation

-people

-studios

-controversy

-kids

Its honestly pretty scary how kids are exposed to Jayst- i mean the toxicity of comic studio, and also how the experienced CS users are saying its worse than fucking Twitter.

Where can i begin with the fucking moderation? Where were they when i was getting banned? One is treated like an angel after the fucking outrageous calls he does. How long was i banned? 8 months? Yes. 8 Fucking Months. Above Half a year. One has literally made DOXXING JOKES TO ME and made me fear for my life. One in the cs discord takes someone elses side when i ask for a spoiler for Binding of Isaac (a pretty scary game). One is just fucking horrible at moderation. And one is probably biased after i did a few too many pings in a server. A server i owned btw, no one stopped me. You know who you are. :)

To name a few very shit studios,

-Probably fucking most of them

Probably 10% of the studios get used.

And a lot of them are just fucking shit.

We have a fucking NICK JR studio for like 2 YEAR OLDS.

When is there a fucking Despicable Me comic studio?

To name types of people:

Suspected pedophiles

probably pedophiles

pedophiles

nazis

racists

homophobes

transphobes

xenophobes

sexists

anti semetic

Jokes aside tho there are lot of people i named that are actually one of the things above. There are also lots of fucking toxic people.

To my next point

popular beats all apparently

If your popular, dont fear of being banned! You fucking wont be!

I can name, a shit ton of people that should be banned but wouldnt because they have a shit ton of followers and that would get a lot of people to quit the site.

-Puffyy (Should i say more?)

-Jaystar (☠️)

-Onion_Rabbit (Threw about users like hell, faked harassment, legit got people to witchhunt me (December 2022), was toxic to me before i got banned (unfairly) (July 2023)

-Deathzy (A fucking mpreg and sex comic untagged, did the same as Onion_Rabbit July 2023, has known cases of being cocky as fuck when they get their way)

-SarahKomik (Has threw about users under the bus pretending to victimise themselves over the slightest of out of context things. The current situation with Oka is one.)

-Zappy (The same as above.)

Theres a lot more! Holy fuck

This community has a complete fucking hivemind too.

When popular users say "this person has done something bad (slightly or horrible) target them guys" and when they say "dont harass this person pls" they're praying that the mods dont fucking mob them. Oh wait.

Its like a lot of people have pointed out popular beats all!

Also, this is how people say "fuck the rules" (e.g, Oka and me)

If you have any problems, comment it, You probably shouldnt have but if your a snowflake, combat me.

Oh yeah i also forgot Tammy got knocked about like the school thot at summer time with the football team. They need apologising yall. This is the reason why people quit, my point above. Tammy quitting is one of the worst things to happen to CS.

[m4ng0m3t4l]

i've posted a LOT of babymetal stuffs (with some ghost, but pretty sure it's mostly been babymetal because they're currently my hyperfixation and i have nobody to rant about them to🤞🏾) so i decided to make an appreciation post for my other interests because they also deserve love

this post will contain A LOT of infodumping (average autistic activities + around 2.5k words), so be ready for a long post (pictures included, because who doesn't love pictures?)

ps: there may be some spoilers in the movies/tv and video games section

music

~atarashii gakko!~

• atarashii gakko (新しい学校のリーダーズ!) translates to new school leaders

• their main uniform is a sailor uniform that was commonly worn by female japanese students in the 70s and 80s; they also have a stylized gakuran (male japanese students) that they wear with their original uniform to represent the aspects of both males and females

• the red armband they wear is to signify their leadership and representatives of the youth of japan

• they made their debut with a song called kamu-to-funyan with a music video that features a 360° camera view/angles

• their genres include j-pop, j-rock, jazz, and more

• original fans only knew their birthdays until 2020 where their ages were revealed

• kanon/カユン(かゆん): kanon is the youngest at 22 years old (january 18, 2002); one of her hobbies include baking and eating sweets (her favs are cookies); she is physically the strongest due to always carrying suzuka on her shoulders; she is trained in ballet; she is the graceful one of the group

• rin/リン(りん): she is the same age as suzuka, but a few months older (september 11, 2001); she sometimes does freestyle dance; one of her hobbies include being a dj; she likes to change her hairstyle a lot and experiment, atm she has permed hair; she is the nice and funky one of the group

• suzuka/スズカ(すずか): she is the same age as kanon, but a few months older (november 29, 2001); her glasses are fake as they have no actual lenses in them; she has a very unique art style and even has a separate instagram account for her art; she is the tallest out of all 4 of them at 5'6"; she is from osaka, japan, causing her to have a different dialect than the other 3; she is the wild card of the group

• mizyu: she is the oldest of the group at 25 (december 22, 1998); her hair is very important to her and reportedly cuts her own bangs every 10 days (she has done an entire instagram live of just her touching up her bangs and no talking); she's known for her pigtail helicopters; mizyu is just a nickname, her real name is mizuki/水木(みずき); she is the kawaii but fierce one or the sleeping kitten of the group (as she always gets compared to looking like a cat, she loves cats, and she loves sleeping)

~maximum the hormone~

• maximum the hormone (マキシマムザホルモン) is a japanese heavy metal/hardcore punk band

• their genres include nu metal, hardcore punk, metal core, alternative, metal, and funk metal

• they started in 1998 and their lineup until later that same year was daisuke-han (vocalist), key-yan (guitarist), and nao (drums)

• their lineup since 1999 has been daisuke-han (vocalist), nao (drummer), maximum the ryo-kun (guitarist), and ue-chang (bassist)

• daisuke-han/ダイスケはん (だいすけはんくん): screaming vocals, rapping, additional drums, percussion, and keyboard

• nao/ナヲ (なお): drums, percussion, and clean vocals

• maximum the ryo-kun/マキシマムザ利用 (まきしまむざりよう): guitar, clean vocals, and harsh vocals

• ue-chang/上ちゃん (うえちゃん): bass, backing vocals

• most, if not all of their songs have each member doing lead vocals (sometimes multiple switches between them within one song) with the exception of ue-chang who does backing vocals almost exclusively

• nao is the older sister of maximum the ryo-kun

• maximum the ryo-kun joined in january of 1999 and ue-chang completed the lineup later that same year in september

• in 2006, their song koi no mega lover reached number 9 on oricon charts

• that same year, they had 3 songs across 2 different animes: what's up, people?! and zetsubō billy (both for death note) and akagi for the anime of the same name

• in 2009, they had to take a small hiatus because daisuke needed corrective surgery on his throat, but after that, they went on to headline at multiple shows with help from bring me the horizon and blessed by a broken heart

• that same year, they won the award for best rock music video for their previously released single tsume, tsume, tsume

• on november 19, 2009, it was revealed on their official website that nao was pregnant

• nao had decided to continue with the shows the band was currently doing, but on november 3, 2010 she had fallen ill and was transported to a hospital, leading the band to go on a second hiatus as doctors told her it wouldn't be safe or healthy for her to continue

• on may 6, 2010, it was revealed that nao had a healthy baby girl :)

• their album yoshū fukushū was released in 2013 (their first album in 6 years) and was their first album to reach 1 on oricon charts

• on june 2, they released their music video for the song a-l-i-e-n but it was placed on a randomly relocating url as a prank

• the band had gone on a third hiatus in 2015 as nao wanted to try for another child (which was born in may of 2016) and they went back to action in 2017

• they have recently done two more songs for the anime chainsaw man (hawatari nioku centi and kamigami) in 2021-2022

~hanabie.~

• hanbie (花冷え。) initially started between 4 high school friends because of their shared admiration for maximum the hormone

• they started as a cover band of maximum the hormone, but went into writing their own music with their first self-produced singles in 2016 (crash over and sweet killer)

• they are a japanese metalcore band from tokyo with the self description of harajuku-core

• they combine metalcore, hardcore punk, and nu metal with a mix of hip hop and electronica

• their name comes from the fact that hettsu, matsuri, and kaede (their original drummer) were all born in the winter and yukina was born in the spring: 花冷え。means chilly spring weather, which is a japanese word for the spring day in which winter returns

• kaede/カエデ (かえで): original member, withdrew in december of 2016, drums

• boa/ボア (ぼあ): joined in july of 2017, withdrew september of 2018, drums

• sae/サエ (さえ): joined of september 2020, withdrew april 20, 2023, member color was emerald green/sage green

• yukina/ユキナ (ゆきな): original member, harsh and clean vocals, member color is dark pink/cherry blossom pink

• mattsuri/マツリ (まつり): original member, guitar and clean vocals, member color is metallic blue/baby blue

• hettsu/ヘッツ (へっつ): original member, bass and backing vocals, member color is electric purple/wisteria

• chika/チカ (ちか): joined may 27, 2023, drums, member color is green

movies/tv shows

~studio ghibli~

• studio ghibli was founded by hayao miyazaki, isao takahata, and toshio suzuki on june 15, 1985

• my favorite ghibli movies: spirited away (comfort movie), my neighbor totoro, howl's moving castle, and ponyo

• spirited away (2001): every name has a meaning (the soot spirits are called susuwatari which translates to wandering soot, kamaji means boiler geezer, yubaba means bathhouse witch, zeniba means money witch, chihiro means a thousand questions which later gets reduced to just sen meaning a thousand by yubaba)

• spirited away (2001): the soot spirits first appeared in my neighbor totoro and jiji from kiki's delivery service is on a pillow in boh's room

• spirited away (2001): for haku's movement in his dragon form, multiple real life animals were used as reference (a geko's gait when he climbed a wall, a snake's movement as he fell to the floor, and a dog's mouth for when chihiro gave him the medicine but since none of the animators owned a dog, miyazaki made them go to a vet clinic and video a golden retriever's mouth as reference)

• my neighbor totoro (1988): it initially premiered in 1988 alongside another ghibli movie, grave of the fireflies, but my neighbor totoro didn't get a commercial success until it reached japanese television

• my neighbor totoro (1988): totoro is the mispronunciation of the japanese word for troll, tororu, which makes sense considering that mei, the 4 year old, gives the totoro that name

• my neighbor totoro (1988): the names of the sisters are similar in meaning (satsuki is an old japanese word for the month of may and mei is pronounced as may)

• howl's moving castle (2004): when calcifer starts to lose his fire, he actually turns into the form of a beating heart kept alive by a small blue flame before howl brings him back

• howl's moving castle (2004): the war subplot was added to the movie as a criticism of america due to their invasion of iraq; miyazaki knew he would get backlash but still decided to add it in to show war as a senseless act (calcifer's flame is also a parallel to the flames of war; calcifer is a warm and kind character that rarely ever hurts anybody and is keeping the castle alive, but the fires seen during the war are used to hurt people, showing the audience that a home fire can be something monster-like when used by the wrong people)

• howl's moving castle (2004): the city that sophie is from and lives in is modeled after colmar, france

• ponyo (2008): ponyo's birthname is brunhildle and ponyo means soft or squishy

• ponyo: it was inspired by hans christian andersen's little mermaid (love, sacrifice, and the desire to be part of a different world)

• ponyo (2008): it is the last ghibli movie and last anime to be released on vhs only in japan on july 3, 2009

~adventure time~

• jake isn't full dog (obviously), he's part dog, part transdimentional shape shifter

• jake's grandson, gibbon, is the leader of an entire kingdom made up of descendants of jake and lady

• lady rainicorn and bmo have the same voice actress

• gibbon is 1,000 years old: this is because he stole a gem from the ice thing which led to him having pink powers and he also erases the powers of new pups when they are born, although he didn't take beth's powers and she's now an enemy of the kingdom

• the first real forshadowing of bubbeline was when marcy failed to sing "i'm just your problem" to open up the door because she was lying to herself

• the episodes bmo noir and princess potluck happened on the same day, but the episodes themselves aren't back to back

~murder drones~

• the arm that uzi slapped n with is a left arm

• imma be honest, i don't have a lot of fun facts about this one, but i do love this show for both it's storyline and because my bestie was the one who had recommended it to me

• but a fun fact about me and the most recent episode: i watched the entire episode in german without realizing it until i had finished it. pls don't ask how because i have no idea

video games

~sky: children of the light~

• even though i haven't finished it yet, as i still need to go to eye of eden (it looks scary), it's still going in this section

• the whale light creatures pick you up for a ride and take you to the temple in daylight prairie if you get close enough to them

• with every event, the icon of the game changes to match with the event

• the original soundtrack is available for listening to outside of the game along with aurora's soundtrack from season of aurora

• aurora's spirit along with the guardian spirits that surround her are still available in the coliseum in the valley of triumph

• isle of dawn is the only realm with no social space at the beginning

• the dog that you're able to ride after doing the group butterfly call in daylight prairie is based off the co-founder's dog named oreo

• there is a fairy ring in the daylight prairie village section that is available every 10 minutes per hour

• the developers were very indecisive about the real names: isle of dawn used to be just dawn, then changed to isle of dawn, then shortened to isle, then back to isle of dawn; daylight prairie used to be cloudy day, then changed to plains of day, changed again to daylight prairie, shortened to just prairie, and then back to daylight prairie; hidden forest was originally called rain, changed to weeping forest, shortened to just forest, and then it was finally named hidden forest; valley of triumph used to be called sunset, changed to valley of triumph, then it was changed to valley of mountains, then changed back to valley of triumph; vault of knowledge was originally called night and also referred to as library or the tower

• it is thought that each floor of the vault of knowledge represents each previous realm

• the 4 guardians of aurora are still playable: mindful miner is in the hidden forest and is the only one not named after it's respective song (all is soft inside from infections of a different kind (step I)); running wayfarer is in isle of dawn (runaway (all my demons greeting me as a friend)); seed of hope is in the golden wasteland (the seed (a different kind of human (step II)); and the warrior of love is in the valley of triumph (warrior (all my demons greeting me as a friend))

~little misfortune~

• little misfortune is set in the same world as fran bow

• morgo (mr. voice) is from a "6th" realm that was created as a byproduct from the ultra war

• the game is set in sweden in 1993, with the date being october 11

• misfortune's japanese ghost friend, hiro, is asking where the fog is because misfortune can see him and probably because he's trying to get to senersedee so that he can finally rest, but his own morgo keeps pulling him back away

• misfortune is very obviously different from the other kids that morgo or benji has seen: she can see and hear them, which they are both surprised at; she can see the other children that have gone missing (hiro being the most notable); she can see the ultra reality (hiro getting pulled back away from her); she can also read the language of the second reality

honorable mentions

~sally face~

• i haven't finished playing the game, but i love this game so much

• but here's a few of my favorite things from the game:

1. sal's guitar: i'm at the part where you play for the deadstone and of course i did the demon, too; i love playing the guitar and it looks cool

2. my favorite character is lowkey gizmo

3. sal being short, i love that for him, it reminds me of my friend lol (you know who you are)

~ghost~

• you guys imma be honest: i have posted quite a bit about them, but i'm not caught up on the lore, i still have a little bit to go on babymetal's lore

• also: i still can't tell the ghouls or ghoulletes apart

• what i DO know tho is that i love all of them so much and copia is lowkey my lil princess and i can't wait to see the ghovie

[msj21]

You’re mine kitty

I never felt so empty and sorrow just by looking at the grey raining sky. The negative thoughts cross my mind knowing that I’m left alone in this miserable world. At age 10 I lost both of my parents in a terrible car crash, luckily I was the only one to survive that day. Today December 25,2024 will be 10 years since I lost my parents, Christmas never felt the same ever since. Knowing that every year that horrible memory plays on repeat making everything seem like hell. I looked at the time knowing I’ll be late to the special event my job is hosting, do I wish to go? Absolutely not but in reality I have no choice. For today event I decided to wear a black long sleeve dress, black heels, fake diamond necklace and a natural makeup look.

I felt so different, I didn’t feel like myself I felt like someone else looking at myself in the mirror. I just wanted the day to be over with. I just had to stay strong for tonight event and pray for strength, I looked at myself for the last time and headed out. The event was being hosted at my boss house in which case is not a house but a big mansion, I was mined blown and speechless. On my way over here I was thinking to myself, I have never met my boss or even spoken to him this will be the first time if I even get to meet him. People say he’s mean others say he’s handsome, others just don’t know. Maybe today is the day when I finally meet my boss. As I enter the mansion I was even more speechless of the beauty of the decoration and art of the mansion it was just unbelievable how money can turn into beauty.

Looking around I noticed every women wearing the colors of Christmas and of course men wearing suits but I was the only women not wearing the colors of Christmas but I really didn’t cared, I just wanted the night to be over and go home and watch old videos clips of my parents. Just thinking about my parents made my eyes watery. Not noticing I was being watched in the distance by an unknown person “There you are, I been calling you like crazy what took you so long”, said Eve with a mad face. “Sorry I took so long I was just taking my time”, I said with a smile. Eve is my childhood friend she’s like a sister to me, she has always been there with me on the good and bad. Eve looked at me with a worried face knowing that today will be 10 years since my parents passed away.

“Hey are you okay… I know today is hard for you”, she said with a soft voice and worried. I just nodded that I’m fine, to be honest I didn’t want to think about it. “Actually, Eve I don’t want to talk about it or even remember it can we please let it go”, I said with a sad voice.

“Of course anything for you”, Eve said with a calm voice knowing that it was for the best and not think about it. The strength it took to get back to reality, for a moment I space out not knowing what was going around me.

“Miss are you okay”?.

[dankusner]

METHAMPHETAMINE Sentencing changes proposed

Bipartisan commission to study punishments based on drug purity

The government agency responsible for implementing federal sentencing policy has taken the first step toward loosening controversial methamphetamine trafficking punishments that have flooded prisons with nonviolent drug offenders.

The U.S. Sentencing Commission voted unanimously Friday in Washington, D.C., to publish proposed changes in how drug offenses — and meth in particular — are punished.

The vote sets in motion public hearings, after which the commission takes formal action on its proposed changes.

The Dallas Morning News in early December published a three-part series on meth punishment in North Texas and nationwide.

Using federal sentencing data from the commission, The News revealed Dallas-area federal courts registered the highest median meth sentences in the U.S. from October 2013 through September 2023.

The series, called “Meth: The Prison Pipeline,” highlighted the cases of various nonviolent North Texans — some of whom pleaded guilty and cooperated — who are serving decades behind bars.

The stories showed how meth sentences are often tougher than those imposed on rapists and other violent criminals.

The meth punishments are also more severe than sentences for other, deadlier drugs such as fentanyl.

Purity

The bipartisan sentencing commission will study a particular concern raised in The News investigation: the long-criticized differences in meth sentencing based on purity.

The less pure variety, which is diluted with other substances, carries a much shorter sentence.

But it has become virtually nonexistent.

The pure variety, which comes from Mexico and comprises about 98% of the nation’s meth supply, is punished 10 times more harshly than mixtures.

And in North Texas federal courts, most judges regularly apply the purity enhancement to sentences, court records show, resulting in lower-level offenders, in some cases, receiving 20 years to life in prison with no parole.

Defense lawyers, law professors and other criminal justice reform advocates contend the meth purity distinction is outdated and not evidence-based.

The commission said its proposed updates are intended to reduce “unwarranted disparities” in meth cases related to purity.

Reformers have for years sought such changes to the meth laws, which like those for crack cocaine, have created racial disparities in sentencing.

“Most of these commenters state that purity is no longer an accurate measure of offense culpability because methamphetamine today is highly and uniformly pure,” the commission’s January sentencing amendment report said.

Changes rare

This marks the first time significant changes to meth sentencing procedures have even been contemplated since the laws were originally passed by Congress in the late 1980s and early 1990s, commission officials acknowledge.

Since that time, Congress has only made the laws tougher.

Meth offenders have benefited somewhat from intervening statutes and sentencing guideline changes that were applied to all illegal drugs.

But the current proposed amendments specifically target meth, which comes with the toughest sentences.

The commissioners also voted Friday to examine the possibility of toughening the fentanyl trafficking laws by allowing for increased punishment if dealers knew or should have known the fake prescription pills they sold contained fentanyl.

“We look forward to hearing from the public about today’s proposals in light of the Commission’s statutory obligation to promote fairness in sentencing, end unwarranted disparities, and ensure sentences reflect the latest data, research, and science,” said Carlton W. Reeves, chairman of the sentencing commission, in a statement. Commissioners are seeking feedback through March 3 from legal practitioners, other stakeholders and the public before holding a hearing on the proposed amendments in the early part of the year.

Outdated guidelines

The News in its meth series last month detailed myriad longstanding objections from former prosecutors and judges to the way meth is treated under the sentencing guidelines.

The guidelines are an advisory-only process for calculating punishment for crimes, but most North Texas federal judges rely heavily on them.

Whereas the crack cocaine laws unfairly punished Blacks, the meth laws have had a disproportionate effect on Latinos in North Texas, The News found.

The commission also will look into the possibility of amending the drug guidelines more generally by allowing a sentence reduction for those found to have served a low-level trafficking function.

The change is intended to reduce an overreliance on drug weight in the guidelines that critics say is unjustified and unfair — another issue raised in The News’ investigation.

The investigation showed that couriers and other low-level offenders in North Texas such as meth cooks (who process it into crystal form) and stash house lookouts have received punishments intended for kingpins.

This was largely due to the total weight of meth involved — even in instances when the defendants had no ownership or control over the drugs.

The U.S. Department of Justice has historically opposed such changes to the meth laws.

An inquiry made by The News to the agency did not produce a response.

Reeves, the commission chair and a federal judge in the Southern District of Mississippi, has himself ruled in his courtroom that the meth guidelines are outdated.

“In the context of methamphetamine … purity is no longer probative of the defendant’s culpability,” Reeves wrote in a December 2022 court order in a case.

He also noted in his order, which granted the defendant’s request for a deviation from the meth sentencing guidelines, that meth is punished more severely than any other drug based on purity.

The News reported last month that those aggressive meth prosecutions are driving up prison costs.

U.S. taxpayers shell out roughly $1.4 billion a year to house meth offenders.

Meth is not only the most common illegal narcotic in the U.S., it’s the single-biggest reason why people are locked up in federal prison today, federal officials acknowledge.

An accurate proxy?

For the series, The News reviewed hundreds of federal meth trafficking cases in North Texas over the past decade and interviewed dozens of defense attorneys, former prosecutors, law professors, retired judges and others who have spent their careers researching and studying criminal justice.

Mark Bennett, a former Iowa federal judge who is a professor at Drake University Law School in Des Moines, welcomed and applauded the sentencing commission’s actions, calling them “long overdue.”

“In my experience in sentencing several thousand meth offenders, purity was seldom an accurate proxy for criminal responsibility,” said Bennett, who retired from the bench in the Northern District of Iowa in 2019 after serving 25 years.

Mark Osler, a former federal prosecutor and current law professor at the University of St. Thomas in Minnesota, said he was encouraged by the commission’s recent vote.

“It is a movement in the right direction,” he said.

“Removing the purity distinction would help mitigate the over-sentencing we see too often in meth cases.”

Some in conservative circles also welcomed the change.

The Austin-based conservative criminal justice reform group, Right on Crime, on Monday praised the sentencing commission’s actions.

“Current sentencing guidelines no longer make sense given how the drug [meth] is manufactured and imported, and overly punitive sentences are handed down routinely,” said Rachel Wright, the organization’s national policy director.

“Eliminating this disparity will still keep our communities safe from meth abuse but won’t overincarcerate unnecessarily.”

Right on Crime, an offshoot of the Texas Public Policy Foundation, opposes mandatory minimum sentences for nonviolent drug offenders.

Members include conservative politicians, commentators and law enforcement officials.

Aggressive prosecutions

While the sentencing commission seeks to enact drug policy reforms, the agency charged with prosecuting drug offenses has taken the opposite step.

The Justice Department under President Donald Trump, who took office Jan. 20 for another term, issued instructions the following day for all its prosecutors to seek the toughest charges possible against defendants, as well as the harshest sentences.

“Specifically, in the absence of unusual facts, prosecutorial discretion at the Department of Justice and the U.S. attorneys offices is bounded by the core principle that prosecutors should charge and pursue the most serious, readily provable offenses,” according to the Jan. 21 policy memo.

That means the death penalty “where applicable” and “offenses with the most significant mandatory minimum sentences,” according to the memo.

The memo, from the unnamed acting deputy attorney general, says the “interim changes” are an “initial response” to executive orders Trump issued on the day of his inauguration.

It is a reverse of a policy under former Attorney General Merrick Garland — and Eric Holder before him — to reserve tough mandatory minimums for the most culpable and violent of drug traffickers.

But the new policy is consistent with policy guidance issued during Trump’s first term by then-Attorney General Jeff Sessions.

Any deviation from the new policy requires “significant extenuating circumstances,” the memo said.

The directive cited the need to crack down on drug cartels and other “Transnational Criminal Organizations” that it said are making the border unsafe.

“The brutal and intolerable violent crime by members of these organizations and illegal aliens is escalating rapidly across the country,” the memo said.

The document also cited the “fentanyl crisis and opioid epidemic” as a reason for the policy switch, noting those drugs are responsible for inflicting addiction, suffering and death on communities.

Reforms and votes

Despite the hardline stance on drug prosecutions, Trump has not been averse to criminal justice reforms.

During his first term, Trump signed into law the first substantial criminal justice reform legislation in many years.

The First Step Act in 2018 allowed for reduced sentences and made it possible for offenders to rehabilitate themselves and leave prison sooner.

Trump also granted clemency to multiple drug offenders during his first term.

The commission’s annual amendment cycle begins in January when members vote on proposed amendments to the sentencing guidelines.

In February and March, the commission reviews public comments received and holds public hearings on the proposed changes.

Commissioners vote in April on whether to move forward with the changes. In May, the commission will notify Congress of any intention to amend the guidelines.

Any changes will take effect Nov. 1 unless Congress voices disapproval.