#been ​feeling uncomfortable with how... reactionary certain people are

[tr1ppykay]

yknow i do think it's possible to support trans men and transandrophobia theory without obsessing over the existence of baeddels

[donjuaninhell]

So Cate is a member of this Facebook group for autistic women looking for advice from other autistic women, and just so you know what we're getting into here, it's historically been a source of some truly awful advice for her specifically e.g. that she should put up with her ex's cheating and emotional abuse and that she was actually taking financial advantage of him if she couldn't afford to move out on her own (???). Anyway, she showed me this thread the other day that fully broke my brain to the point where I'm still thinking about it two days later. A user relayed that there was a man who lived in her apartment complex and who happened to take the same bus route as her. This man would sometimes make an attempt at friendly conversation when he saw her, and she wanted advice on what this meant, and how she should deal with it. At no point in her post did she say she was made to feel particularly uncomfortable by this man, or indicate that he had acted inappropriately. By any reasonable analysis you might say that he was acting neighbourly, especially seeing as he is in fact her neighbour. The top response to her question which had accumulated dozens of likes and positive reactions instead offered this assessment and advice "he's dangerous, he's stalking you, you need to be carrying a knife at all times, here is a list of good necklace knives, also google him, find out where he works, find out who his parents are, call his parents, call his boss, call the landlord, check to see if he's on the sex offender registry, also you should call the police, you need to carry pepper spray, but you should definitely call the police, this is unacceptable." Many other commentators were in agreement with this (insane) assessment, and those who countered that poster with "it sounds like he's being friendly" or "maybe he's lonely and trying to make a friend" were shouted down and accused of wanting to get the OP raped or murdered because she is especially vulnerable as an autistic person. Reading some of the comments truly broke my brain.

The proliferation and explosion of True Crime into the fore of popular culture has really broken a lot of people's brains. I think that the way True Crime, as a genre, presents its subject matter, i.e. with an obsessive voyeurism and erotic charge, engenders a certain reactionary paranoia in the people who heavily consume it. They start believing that every interaction with a stranger is potentially deadly, that there are Dahmers and Bundys lurking everywhere. It's always a certain sort of person whose brain is liable to break this way too. You can't really define them as a group, it's like defining pornography, you know it when you see it. Anyway, clicking through to that top responder's profile and seeing the Handmaid's Tale profile picture and the cover photo showing off a shelf of YA novels was enough to confirm that she was indeed that sort of person.

[pleasantspark]

I have quite literally no skin in this game so feel free to not post this, I’m just someone that stumbled across your critical guide/slideshow. I think fandom at large absolutely has a misogyny problem, and I’ve met a lot of people that can get weird about ships between gay men (and lesbians…). However, I find the idea that there are these….trans men ‘fujoshis’ that are trans because they fetishize gay men extremely reactionary honestly? It brings to mind tropes about ‘autogynophilia’ used by transphobes to target trans women. I think it’s possible to discuss respectful, accurate representation without implying that these people are faking their identity somehow or identify a certain way for fetishistic reasons. Just taking a cursory look at your blog I don’t think you believe that, but I’m honestly having trouble parsing what else you could mean in that section.

Oh nah I'm not saying they're faking. I'm saying we need to stop normalizing or equating being a Fujoshi to FTM.

Believe me, I was accused of being one when I was younger (surprise surprise I couldn't write men, there was no proof at that occurring.)

I find it disgusting how people think "Oh. I was a Fujoshi and now I'm trans male! Pipeline?" It's weird because people think we're all these people and then there was a distasteful joke "Fujoshi to Male" I'm not sure HOW you got me saying "You're not a real FtM" from that. I'm just telling people TO NOT equate Fujoshis as being FtM.

Because that implies something else entirely. I didn't have to go through my own struggles just to see or hear people became trans for "other reasons" in fact one of my abusers became trans because they wanted to escape punishment.

The point is. I don't want those jokes or people who use that as a joke to interact with me. It makes me uncomfortable and disgusting. Nothing to do with what you're accusing or implying I am.

It's not that hard to dissect because at the very least there's no implying anyone isn't "real trans" because there's no such thing as "fake trans" to begin with.

Unless you're being trans to get out of doing or taking responsibility then idgaf. I just want the pipeline association gone from this.

And this all stems from a Fujoshi Miku post. This is why I made clarifications. There's been a lot of misunderstandinga regarding FtM and people don't realize how harmful those jokes are. And I've seen people take it and run with it.

So yeah. If you think we're trans because we were fujishis. That's what I don't want interactions. It's insanely transphobic and inherently uncalled for to be lumped there with those people.

If you're trans after self discovery other reasons. Good. Don't freak out on me for stating "there is no pipeline" because tbf there's no trans misogyny here. Like I said. I didn't imply anyone was a faker I just find the notion of that disgusting to apply to our community.

This goes for any future flying monkeys. I'm someone who is less then thrilled to be lumped in a group because some unsavory people. If it's a joke then you're dealing with someone who can't really tell. Harmful behavior and harmful jokes can cause people to believe it. I'm insanely gullible.

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: Hello! I've been following you for a while and you've given really good insights about types (I was quite blown by the way you've been able to read into INFJ's shame and what not. It was really cool to read.)

Anyway, I am an ENTP and recently I've realized that my sense of empathy is rather odd…I am able to understand others, I can predict how certain things may affect others emotionally within logic, however my sense of empathy never truly reaches me. I know it sounds a little weird, but truly I find so hard to be moved by things that often move others, or to care beyond the basic courtesy. I can understand how and why someone feels in x way, however said empathy often comes from logic more than actually feeling in the shoes of others.

At the same time, I take my sweet time when it comes to understand my own feelings. Like, I can experience something that leaves me feeling weird and take a whole day, nap included, just to realize I'm kinda angry or sad or surprised. This inability to guide myself through my own feelings or even experience what others experience has caused me some troubles through the years, because of course, despite being able to read others, one is bound to fail or misunderstand at some point.

From running my mouth, having bad timing, to doing hurtful stuff that in my view were not hurtful at that moment (because I somehow reached the wrong conclusion in my attempt for empathy) I often find myself a little on the sideway when it comes to feelings of vulnerability, to the point I even end up pushing myself through stuff that makes me uncomfortable after I failed to understand I was weirded out on time; or even the opposite when I end up stating that I am really angry just to realize I didn't even cared that much.

The fact that I am a woman and people tend to expect women to be more sympathetic doesn't help either, so it's not rare for a group of people who knows me superficially to think that I am too reactionary/intimidating/out of reach/aggresive/harsh when in fact most of the time I'm trying to be friendly and outspoken, all while my inner circle define me as very lighthearted and even motherly. And, keep in mind, I am actually very adjusted socially, quite functional. I'm the type of person who will push through depression and very bad scenarios out of will which has been incredibly useful in dark times, but again I wonder if it was less will and more me not being vulnerable at all.

So, do you think this is some kind of failing in my Fe? Is this something that happens often to ENTP's or maybe I should check on other things like mental health etc? Do you have tips that could help me being more understanding of my own feelings? (Thank you before hand!)

-------------------

Generally speaking, the focus of therapeutic psychology is mainly on the individual. Behavior is labelled "problematic" when it causes pain and suffering and negatively impacts one's ability to live life in the manner one aspires to. It is a self-evaluation. Since you claim to be functional in daily life, there is no reason to believe that you have any mental health problem or disorder.

However, abnormal psychology is but one of many perspectives through which to understand the human mind. E.g. What about highly functional yet existentially unhappy people? What about people who live a comfortable life but still yearn? What about people skilled at brushing aside issues to keep moving forward in life?

These people might not suffer from any serious mental disorder, but that doesn't mean there isn't enormous room for improvement. The subfield of psychoanalytic psychology helps people get to know themselves more deeply. The subfield of humanistic psychology helps people understand and fulfill their needs better. The subfield of positive psychology was created to tackle subjects like: how to live a better quality of life; how to flourish and thrive; how to realize greater potential.

You've described a psychological "issue" that you struggle with at times, but not to the extent that it poses a serious problem. Whether this issue is common for ENTPs with tertiary Fe is not the right question to ask. If I say "yes", then what? If I say "no", then what? Unless your behavior is very harmful, it's not for me or anyone else to tell you that there's something "wrong" with you. I don't want to play the role of judge and jury.

The question boils down to: What, if anything, do YOU want to do about this issue? The motivation to change shouldn't come from me saying that there's something "wrong" with you, as though I'm your parent. You should have some kind of intrinsic motivation, stemming from deep within your own soul, to improve yourself and your life. Unfortunately, without this intrinsic motivation, many people end up choosing unhealthy paths to self-improvement.

From your description, you have the capability to be emotionally aware and empathetic. However, "capability" is different than "ability". A capability is something you can potentially do but perhaps lack the knowledge or skill or will to do well. An ability is what you possess after you've put in the necessary hard work to learn the knowledge and skill required to do something well.

Of course, there are certain capabilities that are harder to develop for some people than others due to genetic predisposition. But this shouldn't be a barrier for anyone seeking personal growth for the right reasons. When you have the right intrinsic motivation, you understand that self-improvement isn't about being "the best" but about being a better you.

At any point in life, you get to choose to be a better you by turning your capabilities into abilities, by realizing more of your potential. To be clear, there's nothing "wrong" with refusing to. However, when you refuse, are you making the choice consciously, fully aware of the implications? Refusing essentially means you will never truly know that aspect of yourself nor see its benefits. And then you are likely to feel a strange "hole" in your existence, as though part of you is missing.

How does this relate to tertiary Fe? Generally speaking, people have plenty of capability or latent potential with the tertiary function. However, to develop latent potential and learn how to use the tertiary optimally requires a lot of difficult self-work. Why is the tertiary difficult to develop? Two main reasons:

1) It can only come after sufficient auxiliary development, which is hard enough. It sounds like your grasp of Ti is average at best, perhaps immature but not unhealthy. You use Ti in its most basic form to understand and solve problems, including human problems. However, it seems you haven't yet learned how to use it optimally to turn your capabilities into abilities.

2) People often don't understand the true value of the tertiary function and perhaps even unconsciously resist developing it in the right way. Most people use it merely as a tool to gain some egotistical advantage but then discard it whenever it becomes inconvenient. Does this not encapsulate your relationship to emotional life?

Chasing the good aspects while rejecting the bad means you don't have a full appreciation of the function. If you care about Fe, which includes having a healthier relationship to your emotional life, then you must learn to appreciate its true value and WANT it. Nobody can convince you or force you to develop a function that you overlook, ignore, or disdain as it suits you.

Gender may or may not play a role depending on how you choose to react to societal expectations. Rebellion against gender norms is sometimes necessary to promote fairness and equality, but it can also work against you, if you just end up resisting or rejecting things that are good for your personal growth.

As explained in the guide, type development is about improving your self-awareness, with the implication being that knowing yourself better allows you to make better judgments and decisions in life. It is entirely your decision as to whether you're going to: stop devaluing Fe; become more aware of its role in your psychology; accept and embrace its presence with both its positive and negative aspects; and fully integrate it into your way of being.

If you choose to take your personal growth in this direction, your emotional awareness will certainly improve which in turn will help improve your empathy for others. I've explained before that empathy requires both the cognitive and emotional components to work at its best. So far, you have favored the cognitive (as it relates to Ti) and been resistant to the emotional (as it relates to Fe). Rectifying this imbalance requires proper auxiliary and tertiary development, such that they complement rather than interfere with each other.

I've already written about emotional intelligence and recommended books that provide advice for self-improvement. The tools already exist, so it is a matter of study and practice. You say you want to be more understanding of your feelings but then your actual behavior toward feelings suggests otherwise.

For example, instead of being patient and vulnerable and listening to feelings in order to become more aware of them, you treat them as alien or as a nuisance, unwilling to take full responsibility for them. In terms of type development, it is this kind of ambivalence that keeps people stuck in a rut.

In short, is your question really about whether you "can" do it, or is it really about whether you have enough will to change and grow? Until this is clarified, your true purpose remains muddled, and that will continually limit and slow your progress.

[klysanderelias]

@kitabasis so this is one of the posts I was thinking of, there's more context I can't remember how to find but basically the core premise of the argument is that a lot of western fantasies end up recreating a lot of these sort of ideas - stardew is the big one in my mind though because as much as it can be read as an anticapitalist text (and I think that's definitely part of the intention) there is still a lot of libertarian and reactionary ideas embedded in there -

I want to reiterate that I LIKE stardew, and I think in general anything reactionary is unintentional, but it's hard not to draw those comparisons - especially given that you start as an established landowner inheriting a plot of land that you have to 'reclaim' from the 'wilderness' and of course because it's a 'cozy' sort of game, there's no concerns about crop rotations, ecology, etc, and yeah there's a homeless guy but actually he's just weird and LIKES being homeless and digging out of trash cans so it's not like you have to actually reckon with that

Which is being a little reductive but illustrates the overall point - a lot of these fantasies are based around the American Dream ideal of getting married and having 2.5 kids in your single-family home and often it completely sidelines the work you do, or it turns it into something optional, or something that's so much fun it's not really work at all, and at some point if you were to attempt to translate the things happening in-game to a realistic framework you'd have to be a millionaire with passive income in order to make it work.

And as a white guy living in the US, I definitely understand how people get there! That's what we've been sold all our lives, and that plays into our understanding of the world. The problem is that it's whitewashing a lot of the underlying structure of that fantasy - if you're selling cash crops in stardew, hell if you're selling ANY crops in stardew, who are you selling them to? What are the ecological ramifications of the choices you're making? What are the economical ramifications of flooding the market with cauliflower, or coffee, etc? Stardew leans into automation more than anything else but farming absolutely relies on an underclass of cheap labor - either that's migrant workers, or impoverished locals, or in the older days that's why you'd have like ten kids. And of course it's not even mentioning the mines and other dungeons in stardew, and the weird implications of the shadow people and dwarves.

And I don't think it'd be impossible to address those concerns - you can decorate a condo in a 50-unit building as much as the inside of a house, and instead of landscaping your owned land it could be public cleanup or a community garden, and there's enough things out there that gamify boring drudge work like retail so you could do little minigames for your shift at the factory or whatever, but the core issue is that it's hard to sell that as a fantasy - putting aside 'number go up' as an inherent part, a lot of the fantasy is no longer being beholden to anyone, no longer being able to be told what to do or given limitations on your desires. And that's just not... I mean, it's realistic, in the sense that there are definitely people who get to do that, but not only are those people few and far between, they're also kind of the major drivers of human suffering partially because they get to do whatever they please.

And also like, there's a certain point where trying to construct a utopian game genre to make you feel comfy isn't really a valuable desire? At least in my mind. There's too much designed to absolve us of all those uncomfortable back-of-the-mind things, too much out there trying to cover up things like child slavery and the povertization of nations for US luxury, and I just don't think it's worth trying to create a game that focuses on calming our guilt without actually addressing it or changing the underlying causes.

But also I think it's important to critically examine the media we consume to see what sort of things it promotes and reinforces, partially just because I think good media rewards that, and because often it's easy to miss fascist or racist or homophobic etc undertones as both the audience and the creator and speaking as a white guy from the US, there's a lot of stuff that I can enjoy uncritically simply because it's tailored to my cultural expectations that is actually deeply fucked up to basically anyone else, and it's important for me to be able to recognize and address that privilege.

Also also I have a brain disease and I am unable to stop thinking about things period so even the barest interest in a thing can cause me to spend hours turning it over in my head over the sputtering grease fire of my brain

I love calling shit wehrbauer this is because so much liberal/leftliberal/anarchist shit is wehrbauer shit. oh everyone will live on a harmonious developed yet rural commune/settlement where they will be a self sufficient petite bourgousie farmer, who sells their crops at market to other petite bourgousie farmers? and theyll live in a spacious single family home? maybe the whole ocmmunity will be based entirely on their extended family structure? will they work in communal self defense and justice too? will every commune have a theater and everyone will get to have cheap luxury cars too?

[bleuberries-and-video-games]

As somebody who has been from the outside looking in, observing anti and proship discourse, I feel the need to say that neither side has ever done anything productive to further their ends because neither side is predicated on a pragmatic reality and both sides are just online Internet debates between 14 year olds around the ethics of different things without understanding the ethics of those things and a fundamental level.

Like, from what I understand about Pro shippers, they feel like they have a god-given right to consume whatever media they want, which they're correct about you can consume whatever the fuck you want, but they assume that such consumption freeze them of consequence or reaction, which is not only incorrect but just straight up fucking stupid because anyone can judge you for your likes and tastes at any time. If you don't like that, or if you for some reason feel the need to defend that as though it is a god-given right, I need you to know that whatever media you consume is bullshit, especially if it venerates or deifies pedophilia, speaking as a victim of Grooming.

At the same time, in a different magnitude, I feel the need to say that if you are anti-ship, you're walking a dangerous line of puritanism, one which puts sex workers, actual victims of pedophilia and sexual assault, and just general people at risk of being overly policed and overly politicized and litigated to such a dangerous extent that it fundamentally disregards their agency and human existence and threatens their very lives on a fundamental human level. Do you know who it actually helps though when you constantly and needlessly litigate whether or not something is good or bad and constantly harass people about whether or not they are on the right side of whatever the fuck you're talking about? Do you know who you help whenever you create a giant paranoid soup of people constantly scared that both their favorite people are problematic and the way they consume medium might be bad and they need to do it right with no clarification beyond the very bare minimum, and it is bare minimum, explanation as to how or why or what good ethics looks like? Do you know what you get when everyone is afraid and no one's talking and everyone's levying and throwing around accusations?

Pedophiles and Predators you dumb fucking stupid ass dipshit fucking cunts. One side is way too permissive of people being incredibly uncomfortable, which has resulted in very predatory behavior that likely would not have happened if you would practice safer boundaries and consent lines. The other side is so viscerally reactive and reactionary that it is incapable of comprehending the actual and fundamental issue and refuses to be presented with any evidence to the contrary, basically becoming an inquisition on the internet, trying to figure out who's the next pedo, which as we know from both the Salem witch trials and the Inquisition, doesn't actually fucking fight the bad guy.

Like I said, I have been groomed, buy a person in a fetish Community using imagery and the ideas of that fetish to target, harass, and groom me into accepting behaviors or reciprocating things that have scarred me for life in which I am constantly trying to heal from. I've made a lot of progress, but you know what fucking brings up all of those old memories and bad fucking things, the sudden weird culture of both fear and reactionary bullshit laissez-faire attitudes around sex and sexuality that indicate to me neither of you your sides are literate in any meaningful capacity about the ethics of sexuality and consent to such a fundamental and inhuman degree that you are destroying any possible credibility be on the very bare minimum. If you cannot grasp on any certain level why or why not I would find an entire subset of people totally okay with consuming pedophile and incest media to such an extent that they believe it's their god-given right with no repercussions, or an entire subset of people dedicated to purging the bad people from the internet no matter how hard it is or how many bad people we find no matter what no exceptions, neither one safe, please go outside, touchgrass, Huff paint, do anything beyond fucking dwell on tumblr.com.

I will say this only once as somebody who has first pedophiles for my community, and fucking named in shamed pedophiles, and who at one time was way too laissez-faire about their consumption without any consideration of both their own health and others health, I will say this once and only once because I know what either side is doing and it's stupid and dumb and doesn't work, because it's so short-sighted and so fucking absolutely inconsiderate of the full scope and picture, that it completely ignores the giant elephant in the room:

If you are debating whether or not something you consume makes you or somebody you know a pedophile, you have already been too tolerant of pedophiles and have no idea how to deal with them in the slightest.

If you're already at the point of trying to figure out where or who or what the pedophile is or so on, you've already got them in there, they're already there, you're not fixing it. The way that you get rid of pedophiles is trust, vulnerability, honesty, directness, clear assertion of boundaries, informing others of violations of boundaries, and trying to find a safe space or ground so that you can ask for help.

Pedophiles thrive in environments where there is a lot of fear, paranoia, lack of trust, lack of boundaries, lack of respect of boundaries, they thrive in environments with high chaos and low accountability, because no one's going to trace a pattern or look at their behavior. You may think you're tracking a pattern when you look at somebody's fucking weird consumption on a03, but what you're really doing is just a kind of proxy Justice that isn't actually solving anything. It makes you feel some sort of catharsis, it makes the weird Predator feel bad about what they do and ultimately puts them in a reactionary position, but it doesn't help the victim, and it basically gives the Predator an opportunity to take advantage of the chaos you have now caused.

There is no ends on either side of pro or anti-ship discourse that doesn't already permit pedophiles to exist, because one side is to laissez-faire to actually hold people accountable because they think it is the god-given right of all human beings to consume whatever media they want without having to worry about the reactions of other people, which is not a guaranteed right in any capacity whatsoever, and the other side is two hyper focused on beating the bad guys to actually understand how or why dealing with the bad guys that they are pursuing is probably a lot harder than simply naming and shaming as it doesn't really do anything.

You want to get rid of pedophiles? Start learning about sexual ethics. Start learning about the stoplight system when it comes to fetish play, practice good safe words, safe sex, safe sexual interactions, respect people's boundaries, be clear about your own and don't expect people to know them implicitly, and kind of most importantly give people the benefit of the doubt so that they don't get pushed in a Direction you don't want them to get pushed into.

If you want to deal with predators, you have to both stop being puritanical and stop being overly laxidasical in what you do. Assert your boundaries clearly, that way you have a measurement gauge to know whether or not somebody respects you or other people. If they don't reciprocate the problem, they've learned and they've grown. On the inverse, if you set that standard, and they do exactly what they did to you to somebody else, denying they ever knew, you know now that they are doing actual and tangible harm with actual intention because they're lying to somebody about a standard you set with them, which is why you need to have both trust and clear boundaries with people.

It is honestly not shocking in the slightest how a number of people turned out more puritanical than they could possibly imagine simply because they caught the discourse bug and completely obliterated any sort of literacy they have about this subject.

You will never stop pedophiles by slapping a pin on your shirt that says I am an anti-shipper, and you will never liberate people if you slap a pin on your fucking shirt and say you are pro shipper, all you're going to do is debate endlessly things that you're fundamentally misunderstanding and all that really is going to do is get somebody hurt. You anti shippers and pro shippers neither liberated me nor helped me, do you know who did? Do you know who did protect me and helped me that all of you seem to be completely oblivious to? Like all of you?

Sex workers. Sex workers helped me feel comfortable enough to vocalize my own needs, enough so to figure out my fucking gender, enough so to figure out what confidence actually looks like both in sexuality and intimacy and in media consumption in what I like. I have the confidence to be myself and be happy in it. Do you know who helped liberate me? Do you know who helped me figure out boundaries and consent And helped me figure out that I was violated? Social scientists, sociologists, sexual health advocates, sex worker advocates, sexual health organizations, queer history, quite literally all of those things helped me understand the complexity of the subject matter we are talking about on a level none of you are even close to understanding.

Enter the vague number of you that probably exists that do understand all of these topics, I really do urge you to stop using terms like Pro and anti-ship because neither of them are productive and all of them fundamentally misunderstand what we're talking about. It relies on having knowledge of an Internet space that not everyone does, especially people who are sheltered or otherwise still new to stepping into the internet, which means that you need to be clear and direct and firm about that instead of weirdly fucking obfuscating.

I understand on a human level how much all of you think you're doing a good job, how much all of you think that you're keeping the internet safe by figuring out who is Pro or anti-ship and listing it in their profiles and making sure everyone abides by that weird, almost feverishly nationalist, kind of behavior. And I want you to know, every single one of you, that those words are fucking obfuscating the reality. And all of you are fucking stupid! If you have any semblance of cents, if you have any sort of desire to make this place safer, you'll stop using those goddamn words, and use actual tangible, easier to verify and prove and show evidence for words like pedophile or predator or harasser. I don't need to find out whether or not somebody likes shipping weird pedophilic fanfiction, that's not what I'm worried about, because the consumption of a guy on a03 does not threaten my existence, nor does it really behoove their actual Behavior. They're actual pragmatic and real behaviors that they do and have done are the things I'm worried about, and if you lead with proship, but follow up with the actual actions they're doing, I need you to know you have already lost a good percentage of people who don't understand what you're saying.

I don't want to be the old woman yelling at a cloud, but please for the love of God and all that is Holy just use the plane language we are talking about. Instead of saying they are a pro shipper and then posting screenshots of what is ostensibly sexual harassment, say sexual harassment. Instead of saying they are an anti shipper, and trying to get me to believe that they are a fascist, either prove they are a fascist or admit you have no idea what you're fucking talking about and are willing to defend some of the most abhorrent media consumption practices on the planet.

You're allowed to consume whatever you want, your consumption however does not mean that people cannot judge you. If you read a full color porno magazine on the subway without any sort of obfuscation or concealment, if you are doing it out in the open, people are more than able to not to do that. It is their god-given right to do so.

And before anyone accuses me of being a prude or some kind of fucking intolerant bitch, I want everyone to know that we in America specifically, and a large part of the west, largely conservative to puritanical society. A good number of you have no fucking idea what it's like to be sexually liberated, possibly including myself, and we do not live in a sexually liberated world by any stretch of the Mind. I totally understand thinking we do, thinking of the ubiquity of queer tolerance in many places means that somehow, we are a sexually liberated society, but we're not. If the amount of discourses I've seen on this website and others is any indication, we are way too overly tolerant of extremely conservative practices surrounding sexuality, and extremely overly tolerant of laissez-faire attitudes around sexuality with no clear indication of boundaries. We live in a very stilted and non-sexual society that is completely beneficial to predatory behavior, as conservatism is incapable on a fundamental political level to deal with any sort of pedophilia, oftentimes eating it, and weirdly punitive Behavior doesn't actually beget good practices. You will never get good consent or boundaries simply by removing people who violate boundaries, you have to both remove the people who violate boundaries from the space, so that boundaries aren't consistently violated, and teach people how to vocalize, protect, and maintain boundaries.

I know that's hard for us to understand, how both of these fucking issues can walk away with the absolute wrong conclusion, but that's kind of the society we live in. When we don't understand how intimacy and sexuality and sexuality works, we think that the most extreme and oftentimes reactionary positions are the biggest and easiest solutions, but in reality they caused the most harm and don't solve any of the problems they seek to figure out.

Do you want to know where I stand on proship versus anti-ship discourse? I stand firmly opposed to bullshit in this regard. None of you are doing what you think you accomplished, you're just fucking it up further.

[hdyram]

Sometimes I understand why radical feminism (well I mean the modern version of it that was mostly a response to the trans thing) tried to become a thing... I realize now it doesn't really work, at least beyond a certain point, but I feel like maybe the problem was never really the trans issue but more the scapegoating of women in order to let trans rights go way too far... I mean, I think it's kind of disingenuous to suggest there's this "cis male ally" demographic who sticks up for trans rights out of the goodness of their heart. In truth, I think, it's just that no human...even a male one...can try to mimic Tony Soprano all the time without feeling some degree of guilt and discomfort, which translates to suppressed gender dysphoria that gets projected onto men who really do try to identify out of their sex (ie trans women). Which is totally normal... You can't be this bearded gun owning uber phallocentric sex having person, especially especially if you got rich through that brand, without feeling uncomfortable sometimes. But I think what makes women feel a need for some kind of reactionary feminism isn't necessarily invasion of spaces by trans women so much as the gatekeeping of that sort of thing by men who feel uncomfortable with themselves but don't act on it (ie tra's/cis allies). It's exhausting trying to suggest there is some unfairness to the invasion of spaces and having to hear, "Get fucked, terf cunt" or whatever by men who are uncomfortable with themselves.

I mean, it's not that I don't acknowledge trans women are men. I do think it's naive to believe any man who lives in an alternative way is any less of a man. It's like not acknowledging gay men like men because deep down they have misogynistic ideas about women sexually ("if my mother had just been more submissive to my father he'd have stuck around or been less strict... I'll do what she wouldn't") and just focusing on how they won't make a pass at you. Or pretending the feminine guy who likes being submissive to his sadistic best friend just got roped into it and wouldn't secretly love to be sadistic himself. In fact, I think the reason radical feminism can't thrive beyond a certain point is that in realizing that invasion of spaces by trans women (or men generally) is unfair, there becomes this envy of men for having that advantage and striving to be as distinctly not like other women as possible. There becomes more an allegiance to gay men than to women, a fujoshi problem, and whatnot. Trans women and their cis male allies, I think, see transitioning as degrading themselves to the bottom of a hierarchy of thought and behavior (and being brave for doing so I guess). It's complicated, though, because I do think while men fear women and strive to see themselves as superior, it's an artificial perception they have constructed out of that fear. But in reality the artificiality isn't particularly relevant because men have been oppressive for so long and will never have to worry about being oppressed (hence radical feminism happening).

I don't think people generally think that deeply about it though, which complicates things... Generally people just do things to feel more comfortable and I don't think men trying to identify out of their sex or acting on gender dysphoria in some way is any exception. Which is why cis male ally types (and women who mimic them) trying to make absolutely everything trans friendly I start to wonder is more the real issue than men acting on gender dysphoria to some degree. I don't know really, it's just when I'm reminded of the "you terf bitch" rhetoric I definitely start asking myself about it.

[gay-furry-poseidon-lover]

I actually need to just stop talking about Calypso cause it stresses me tf out and gives me chest pains. I just like. I don't get it. I really dont get it. What are we meant to do? What is the "correct" way to talk about Calypso. Its not my fault if you are projecting your own trauma onto fictional characters. I dont know you. Im not attacking you. Im not meaning to upset you, im not talking to you. If youre uncomfortable with it thats fine i encourage you to go somewhere you feel more comfortable. Its just another case of, you can dislike something without generalizing everyone who does like this thing as a bad person. That's not a healthy reaction.

Maybe its all the dbt ive been through but it feels like no one knows nuance anymore. Maybe its getting off tiktok when I was young because that app tends to provide a lot of reactionary polarizing content. And Ive never been on twitter.

It's just so frusterating. I have a very clear distinction between fiction and reality. If you dont, okay. Thats fine. But I do, and you dont get to project random assumptions onto me.

Anyways here i go yap yap yapping. I think too much. I need to go into the woods. Theres just certain parts of internet culture that really get under my skin and I have so much to say but people set this standard of "If you disagree with me i dont care about anything you have to say." But thats okay. People dont need to care about my perspective or how i explain it, i am not owed an audience. I know what i believe and how I see things, I know my own morals. I know who I am and other people do not get to dictate my character based solely upon my liking of one specific version of a character from greek mythology.

[riastarthe]

when people with an impassioned call for death in their bios follow me, i don't know What the fuck to feel. like why are you advertising this... this... pro/anti whatever... i know it's reactionary but is this politics to you and if so how? do you think these insular words mean something to me and if so why? i try to be understanding because these are largely fandom terms and if fandom is important to them then... yeah. i'm not there though. i don't use this terminology for my work, where it comes from, what it's for.

having been a teen and now being in my 30s i don't think the ability to dream up dark and edgy sex is an objective sign of maturity/superiority either, and i say that as someone who gets a lot out of writing bad and mean shit. the id's inexplicable drive to ship is beautiful but not automatically interesting to me as A Personality, nvm the content. looking around at 30-40+yos be like "back in my day" is like... at a certain point in arguing with children you cross a threshold and become the fool. but, i also recognise that having it out over this makes Me very uncomfortable (being forced to defend myself against a bunch of trigger-happy little weirdos, i mean) and it might be pretty easy for other people.

regardless, i end up on the side of "trans/queer adults whose work gets shut down for running counter to the mainstream auto-generated hays code schlock" by default.

stories are stories, not ikea manuals. we know this, especially if you're into like blood and gore and war and girl boss murderers or something— the righteousness that's superimposed on these things is personal, not universal, it's often conservative, and denying that other concepts can't be a sandbox, like sex in any form, pleasure or horror, can't be sanctioned like how death is sanctioned... idk. i just dk. i really think people trick themselves or are desperate to be tricked into settling for less, for the simplest most bugbrained surface-level milquetoast shit because it's just easier. safer. don't think so hard about impulse, attraction, obsession, don't let it change you into that which is much safer to vilify.

it's just like— do you think that when i call myself a "transsexual leather faggot and pervert" that i'm JOKING? your attachment to Concepts and Ideas might be shallow and tenuous but i actually want you to treat me with the seriousness and respect that i deserve. why on god are you automatically trusting my art and stories to be safe for you? or is following me a guilty secret that only you and i know about.

[arcticdementor]

Well, isn't the obvious answer to that N.S. Lyons's "The China Convergence"?

Despite a rhetorical commitment to egalitarianism and “democracy,” the elite class deeply distrusts and fears the people over whom it rules. These elites have concentrated themselves into a separate oligarchic political body focused on prioritizing and preserving their rule and their own overlapping set of shared interests. Wracked by anxiety, they strive constantly to maximize their control over the masses, rationalizing a need to forcefully maintain stability in the face of dangerous threats, foreign and domestic. Everything is treated as an emergency. “Safety” and “security” have become be the watchwords of the state, and of society generally. This elite obsession with control is accelerated by a belief in “scientific management,” or the ability to understand, organize, and run all the complex systems of society like a machine, through scientific principles and technologies. The expert knowledge of how to do so is considered the unique and proprietary possession of the elite vanguard. Ideologically, this elite is deeply materialist, and openly hostile to organized religion, which inhibits and resists state control. They view human beings themselves as machines to be programmed, and, believing the common man to be an unpredictable creature too stupid, irrational, and violent to rule himself, they endeavor to steadily condition and replace him with a better model through engineering, whether social or biological. Complex systems of surveillance, propaganda, and coercion are implemented to help firmly nudge (or shove) the common man into line. Communities and cultural traditions that resist this project are dismantled. Harmfully contrary ideas are systematically censored, lest they lead to dangerous exposure. Governing power has been steadily elevated, centralized, and distributed to a technocratic bureaucracy unconstrained by any accountability to the public. All of this is justified by a utopian ideological dialectic of historical progress and inevitability. Those more in tune with the tide of history (i.e. elite interests) are held to be morally and intellectually superior, as a class, to backwards reactionary elements. Only certain views are stamped “scientific” and “correct,” although these may change on a political whim. An economism that values only the easily quantifiable reigns as the only moral lodestar, and frictionless efficiency is held up as highest common good; the individual is encouraged to fulfill his assigned role as a docile consumer and cog in the regime’s machine, not that of a self-governing citizen. The state regularly acts to stimulate and manage consumer demand, and to strategically regulate and guide industrial production, and the corporate sector has largely fused itself with the state. Cronyism is rampant. The relentless political messaging and ideological narrative has come to suffuse every sphere of life, and dissent is policed. Culture is largely stagnant. Uprooted, corralled, and hounded, the people are atomized, and social trust is very low. Reality itself often feels obscured and uncertain. Demoralized, some gratefully accept any security offered by the state as a blessing. At the same time, many citizens automatically assume everything the regime says is a lie. Officialdom in general is a Kafkaesque tragi-comedy of the absurd, something only to be stoically endured by normal people. Yet year by year the pressure to conform only continues to be ratcheted higher… Which country does this describe? If you can’t quite tell, well, that’s the point. For many citizens of the West, the systems of governance under which we live increasingly feel uncomfortably similar to what appears on offer in the People’s Republic of China.

…

Rapidly accelerating in the 20th century, the managerial revolution soon began to instigate another transformation of society in the West: it gave birth to a new managerial elite. A new social class had arisen out of the growing scale and complexity of mass organizations as those organizations began to find that, in order to function, they had to rely on large numbers of people who possessed the necessary highly technical and specialized cognitive skills and knowledge, including new techniques of organizational planning and management at scale. Such people became the professional managerial class, which quickly expanded to meet the growing demand for their services. While the wealthy families of the old landed aristocratic elite at first continued to own many of these new mass organizations, they soon were no longer capable of operating them, as the traits that had long defined mastery of their role and status – land ownership, inherited warrior virtues, a classical liberal education, formal rhetoric, personal charisma, an extensive code of social manners, etc. – were no longer sufficient or relevant for doing so. This meant the managerial class soon captured de facto control of all the mass organizations of society.

…

The brutal history and character of the Chinese communist regime is therefore very different from what most of the West has experienced (outside of Eastern and Central Europe). And yet – if you’ve been following along so far – China, with its vast techno-bureaucratic socialist state, is still recognizably a managerial regime. More precisely, China is a hard managerial regime.

…

In contrast, soft managerial regimes are largely inept and uncomfortable with the open use of force, and much prefer to instead maintain control through narrative management, manipulation, and hegemonic control of culture and ideas. The managerial state also downplays its power by outsourcing certain roles to other sectors of the managerial regime, which claim to be independent. Indeed they are independent, in the sense that they are not directly controlled by the state and can do what they want – but, being managerial institutions, staffed by managerial elites, and therefore stakeholders in the managerial imperative, they nonetheless operate in almost complete sync with the state. Such diffusion helps effectively conceal the scale, unity, and power of the soft managerial regime, as well as deflect and defuse any accountability. This softer approach to maintaining managerial regime dominance may lead to more day-to-day disorder (e.g. crime), but is no less politically stable than the hard variety (and arguably has to date proved more stable). Despite these differences, every form of managerial regime shares the same fundamental characteristics and core values, including a devotion to technocratic scientism, utopianism, meliorism, homogenization, and one form or another of liberationism aimed at uprooting previous systems, norms, and values. They all pursue the same imperative of expanding mass organizations and the managerial elite, of growing and centralizing their bureaucratic power and control, and of systematically marginalizing managerialism’s enemies. They all have the same philosophical roots. And all their elites share similar deep anxieties about the public.

(The essay is long, but well worth the read.)

[ @arcticdementor ]

Some points in response (under a break due to length):

If you want to actually put a kick in, here, you should ask why Argumate, in supporting conditions that favor mass surveillance, is taking the side of the People's Republic of China.

[aces-to-apples]

Damn I’m disappointed you’re falling in the camp of going from threatening an abuse victim with a lawyer and telling them to shut up, I had hoped with stance on other fandom harassment you would empathize.

............hey remember when I first got into Star Wars fandom and ended up following and being pseudo-friends with goddamn clonehub of all the fucking people and participated in a fucking smear campaign against several other artists for such "crimes" as "drawing icky art that made me, personally, uncomfortable"? Can you even imagine how fucking embarrassing that is to recall as a actual adult rn?? I literally want to tear my skin off sometimes remembering that I was absolutely certain that my personal discomfort and fucking ignorance was more important than other peoples' right to just fucking exist and vibe in their corner of fandom and I think we should all take a minute to contemplate how much more of a goddamn nightmare my loud obnoxious ass would be if I'd actually ended up full-on puriteen..... Fucking harrowing, isn't it?

And you know what? Maybe I'll end up having backed the wrong metaphorical horse this time as well and find out that I once again am running in the same circles and happily interacting with yet another goddamn bully. Shit's fucking embarrassing, if nothing else, lemme tell you. (God remember that bitchy little "ah shucks weren't you and clonehub friends once?? What happened???" anon ask a while back? Talk about harrowing lmao.)

But I've been running in the same circles as Jer for years, I'm friends with several people who've been Friends-friends with her for years and even decades who vouch for her, and I've witnessed several hate and harassment campaigns run against her already. And I don't know any of these people crawling out of the woodwork to start shit so idk. I'm going with my gut here. Maybe it'll work out like shit again. Or maybe I'll dodge the bullet this time and not participate in a vindictive smear campaign against people who make the "wrong art" or whatever the fuck.

And like.

Hey, Anonymous Goddamn Citizen, you ever considered that I'm fucking tired? That I'm tired to my goddamn bones of how every reactionary bitch on this planet with an internet connection can and will just make heinous shit up about random fucking people that they don't like and convince enough people to jump on the dogpile to the point where the truth doesn't even matter anymore?? Do you how many times I've witnessed this in the last three years alone??? I'm fucking tired man! I'm tired!!

So like. Idk. Maybe fuck your snotty ham-fisted attempt at a guilt-trip? And fuck your manipulative, performative bullshit "disappointment" with Internet Rando #7014?? Maybe even fuck you personally???

I mean, I don't know you, because if I did then you wouldn't be on anon, you'd be in my DMs actually trying to talk to me instead of, in all likelihood, hunting through Flamethrower's posts and copy-pasting this shit into the inbox of everyone who reblogs her posts or whatever. Like that's usually how I see this shit go. And believe me, I have seen this shit go. If we were friends, and therefore someone whose opinion I care about, you wouldn't be hiding behind an anonymous function, taking advantage of the observable fact that I am fundamentally incapable of not having both an opinion and the last word.

Yet here you are.

And here I am, answering the bait, as is my custom. But hey, I extra super deluxe mega promise that if I end up on the wrong side of history here, I'll do the whole YouTuber Apology song and dance and you'll get to smugly say I fuckin told you so. I'm sure that'll make you very happy.

'Til then, just as an unnecessary bit of extra snotty pedantry to sign off: I'm actually hypoempathetic, so feel free to hold your breath waiting for me to empathize with literally anything. Funnily enough, I'm actually trying not to let my personal knee-jerk reactions dictate my sense of morality and ethics these days. Just as a fun change from Anti-Lite Apples of 2017-2019ish??

[spaceorphan18]

Someone needs to put you in your place because you are absolutely disgusting and creepy. you’re a cishet woman who’s pushing 40 and has this fetish for men kissing (i’m gay and saying the way you talk about it feels like that). ranking the “hottest klaine kisses” is really gross when you’re a cishet woman in your late 30s and these men were in their TWENTIES. and this brings me to my next point: why are you talking about how hot chris colfer was when he was twenty two? and 21? thats barely an adult and someone your age shouldnt be attracted to him especially when he looks really young for his age. mentioning that “theres no nakedness, unfortunately” in the “naked” is once again disgusting. because why do you wanna see a 22 year old naked? and don’t try pulling the “it was a joke” card or saying you weren’t serious. because that’s not something that should be joked about. and just all the posts about them having sex is really weird too.

i also saw your post where you said you saw chris at his book signing in 2017. why do you think it’s okay to look down his shirt like that you weirdo? that’s so creepy and gross and also textbook sexual harassment. yeah i cant believe you were thinking about that in a room full of kids either. if you’re so self aware of your own creepiness maybe you should try to do something about that. and learn to look at men your age.

Wow! You definitely put me in my place. [sarcasm]  You know you’ve become a BNF when you start to get this kinda shit in your inbox.  

*pinches nose* - maybe it’s time to close up the Ask box, because I am too old to deal with this shit. 

So - first of all, hello wank -- this is what it looks like guys, and the only reason I’m not deleting and blocking it right off is because I feel like there are a few points that do need to be addressed.  But any more in the inbox is an automatic deletion.  You’ve been warned. 

1. Believe it or not, I don’t consider myself straight.  I’ve, for a long time, labeled myself as demisexual.  Which is, a form of asexuality. And if you’ve been on my blog for any length of time - you would know that, I talk about that all the time.  On top of that -- something that relatively few people know, because I don’t talk about my sexuality very often, is that I consider myself open.  It’s loosely bisexual - but I’m not big on labels.  

But the fact that I have to say that doesn’t excuse the level of judgment that is coming from this ask.  Anyone’s sexuality is not your business -- it’s not what defines a person, and you shouldn’t be using your own sexuality to be the arbiter of what’s right and/or wrong in any community.  

2. Your commentary about how women over a certain age should fandom is misguided, misogynistic, factually wrong in some cases, and quite frankly deserves a whole other post that I’m not going to write up here.  But in short -- discussing sex and sexuality within works of fiction is completely valid.  Discussing and enjoying fictional characters, especially in the privacy of your own home? Also completely valid.  

However, since it clearly makes you feel uncomfortable, maybe you should seek out to figure out why that is.  

3. The thing that really, really gets me, though, is the stuff about the book signing and meeting Chris in person.  This is WAY over the line -- because you do not know me, or what or why Chris means something to me.  You don’t.  It has nothing to do with how he looks or that he’s gay -- and I’ve never said anything of the such when talking about meeting him (the numerous amount of times I’ve met him).  Nor did I look down his shirt -- what?? 

So the fact that you have the audacity to come into my inbox and tell me how to fandom, and to tell me how to feel about someone who has literally changed my life in a positive way that has zero to do with any kind of fetishizing or physical attributes is simply wrong, ignorant, and reactionary.  

You can kindly get the fuck off my blog and not come back.  

[lethargicsunlight]

'Demon': Prologue ♡ BakugouXFem!Reader (Book 1)

Alright I'm doing it.

I'm doing the thing.

It literally keeps me awake at night I gotta write thisss *cough* okay

Originally I was only going to post this unto Wattpad, but getting traction on their website is a little more difficult than good ole' Tumblr, so I'll be posting it on both. Feel free to visit my Wattpad here: LINK if you want to support my writing on that end. (I would so appreciate it)

This post is going to run pretty long, as it will host both the prologue of the story and my author's notes. Just a heads up.

Summery:

A slow-burn action/romance where you begin in the bowels of a Villain base and rise up to join U.A.'s top Hero Class. This life was your choice. In the event of learning then losing the love of a friend, you make a decision that changes your reality at the core--to become an imposter among villains and bring them down from the inside out. The organization that ruined your premature perfect life was known as H.H., after their leader Head-Honcho. His crime of choice: intelligence. Training and conducting espionage agents and assassins across Japan as a means to further the dark underground network. Your training began at thirteen, after managing to impress the multi-faced villain with your stealth and your conviction. Rumors would soon spread through the dark alleys of Naruhata City of a masked assassin known as Demon, whose bare face could steal the souls of her targets. Everything appears to be going to plan; but the Hero Agencies you've been slipping information to are calling for an end to your superior sooner than you had anticipated. Your time as 'Demon' is limited. What will happen when your world comes crashing down? Where will you go, when everything you had known you helped to destroy?

AUTHOR'S NOTES

This is a slow burn fan-fic; and I am not italicizing those words without reason. This is going to be an agonizingly slow action-packed adventure-romance. This is a self-insert story, just like my three-part series 'Some Combat Training' (link) where you as the protagonist will not be described outside of being female, general physique, and a generalization of your uniform(s). Skin, hair, eyes, etc. will not be described at all--besides ambiguous adjectives. That said, I am taking liberties with physique and stature due to the nature of the story. You're abilities rely on stealth as well as close and fast combat, therefore you are described as 'small', 'lithe', 'athletic', and all of those other fancy little ninja woman words. Your personality has been shaped by the events of your life and the people within it; but if I were to describe it I would choose words like: Intelligent, determined, self-sacrificing, quiet, humble, and studious. The story will follow along with the anime for the most part starting at around the time of the USJ event, though at some point the story will branch off and become more my original concoction. (Such as, fast-forwarding the time-line to when the characters are older.) Some information about you as the protagonist will not be written here, as I plan for those to be revelations within the story. There will be angst, blood and gore, adult-humor, trauma, death, bad language and warnings will be listed with each chapter as needed. Feel free to comment on those chapters as soon as you see something that isn't mentioned that might make someone (if not yourself) feel uncomfortable. I will not be offended. This story is meant to get a little dark. Please comment if you can about your opinions! I have never posted an on-going fic before, and anything you have to say I would appreciate! <3 Now, please enjoy this short prologue~ Chapter 1 is being reviewed and edited, to be release very soon! 👹🖤⛓🔪💣 ...four...five...six.. You counted the footsteps behind your left ear, round the corner of the dim abandoned subway. You'd been stationary; still so long that your digits had all but numbed. Turn... one...two...three... The footsteps were distancing from the hall your attention had been set upon. A T-section, where the entity had gone down and away from your destination. You had to cross that 'T' to get to the junction--where you needed to leave a note completely undetected. The slightest mis-step would lead to suspicion. Suspicion would lead to investigation. Investigation lead to the five percent chance they could find that note--and no percentage was too small. It all hinged on absolute perfection. Nine...ten...eleven... This was their fifth round. A patrol. You had to make sure their movement were predictable before this would work--despite having successfully delivered the note fourty-two times and counting--you did not have the luxury of assumption. Only if their stride was even, only if you absolutely knew they were moving at a certain pattern, could you depend on the following information: It took fifteen steps before they would reach the broken light on their route. The haze of the dust and pollutants reflected in the working lights prior to that was your cover. Cross the 'T', leave the note, and cross it again. Out of sight and out of earshot, mission successful. Fourteen... f-- You turn, and it takes three steps to arrive at the drop to the tracks. You bunch and leap, and even the quietest friction of fabric from your uniform creases your brow. You land, just outside of the light's reach on the thin concrete slab beyond. Your eyes track the metals, the jutting wall tiles; that with which the barest touch could emit a sound--and you maneuver around them. Under, creeping low--and over, leaping to land on the balls of your feet and checking your balance before moving forward. Careful to not cast a shadow into the hall. Paced, so as not to move too quickly nor too slowly. Counting, because every second was controlled and calculated. You reach the juncture, and once again

edging the light you propel yourself to land back on the main thoroughfare. The next obstacle--removing the loose brick. Behind a metal bench centered between two closed-in stair cases, where the tile meets what had once been a decorative brick mosaic; eight bricks right and eighteen bricks up, was your note's destination. Just above your head, where you had to bend at an awkward angle to reach. Not practical, less detectable. You're wearing tight fabric gloves with grips on the pads, but thin enough you can feel the texture of the brick as you gently lace your fingers at each of the corners. Lifting, centering, and pulling the brick from its slot. Holding it just right, you can avoid the loud scrapes and grinds--but you have to hold it perfectly centered. Success. In goes the note. As does the brick, back into the wall. But you're only half-way done. Leap. Quiet, maneuver, avoid, measure. Silent. Leap. Hide. You're back is once again at the wall, the footsteps of the lackey you'd been avoiding closing in proximity to the Hall you'd just left. Four... five... six... Your eyes focus on the wall opposite of you as you ground yourself. The next few seconds determined a new reality. Either they followed their pattern, or they didn't. You had to be flexible. No assumptions. If they move towards the junction, you have to follow. If they move towards you, you'd calculate on your feet. Seven... eight... nine.. Turn. ...one...two...three.. You don't relax. Even after you count their steps to fifteen, even as you slip away back through the hall, even as you exit the unattended vent and breathe in fresh air--you don't relax until you're sitting on the floor in your room, calming down, your mask in your hands. After checking to make sure your door had not been opened, and no one had looked for you. No tracks in the dust. Only then do you allow yourself to ruminate on the contents of the note you had written, because you could still see every letter of it in your mind. ------ 55-1, Minami Senju 5-chome, Musutafu Target: Fukui Mitsuo Floor 8 3 AM. 7. Accompanied. Head. ------ For the briefest moment, you feel your hands shake. They always did on these nights. Realistically, you'd left no openings. Tested and re-tested every method. Calculated every movement. Left nothing to chance. But the 'what-if's' still linger, and you let them. The fear is good. It keeps you on your toes, your mind on edge, your tongue to the roof of your mouth. If he found out, you wouldn't know it until it was over. So you pretended he already did. Below you, underground in his base, plotting how to get at you when you were most vulnerable. Tear you to pieces, throw you in a pit or in a cage. No--too risky, he'd just kill you. A dead-end is better than a possibility. You'd learned that from him. You swallow, head turning so the amber morning sky is in your peripheral. All things considered, you would still unfortunately need sleep. You cherished the brief moments of sunlight and let your mind swim in the memories of your childhood spent in the daytime; before retiring to the broken and borrowed mattress. Seven days. You would check the location of your note in two. If there is another note in response, you would create a reactionary plan. The pattern continues. Until he finds out. ...Until he finds out.

[insomniac-arrest]

Is there a word for nationalistic except for a state? Because you’re being uncomfortably that about colorado. Let’s maybe chill with the glorifying warfare and joking about your state killing or assimilating all the people in those other states 😬😬😬

I should have been more clear: I absolutely DO NOT want a war in the united states or between states. I am not pro-Colorado and I think war is horrible and terrifying in every single possible way. WAR IS BAD. I DO NOT WANT A WAR. I DO NOT WANT ANY STATE VIOLENCE IF WE CAN HELP IT.

That being said, I am not feeling very optimistic about the peaceful continuation of the American Empire. I don’t think anything is going to happen immediately or within the next couple decades even, but our current allocation of resources is dangerous. Cost and cohesion are two things that create a healthy continuation of a state. Cohesion is fraying all over the place with polarization at an all time high. Cost is a bit trickier since the US is still wealthy and has a robust military.

However, what often happens in Empires is that the wealthy elite start to hoard resources and alienate the populace and underclass. You’ve probably heard about this in relation to Rome and how they had to balance “panem,” bread and circus, with the grievances of the general population. Once the grievances and alienation reach a certain point the underclass rises up.

Anyway, the challenges ahead are incredibly massive and we’re either going to have to radically change or, you know, fall apart. And it’s not that we can’t change, but the American system is intentionally built to be slow and reactionary instead of proactive.

I probably shouldn’t have joked about it, but at the same time, what else are we gonna do? I am one person with very few resources and not enough time or sway to possibly address the horrors of the political reality we live in.

I mean, there’s probably, a “good scenario” where history is NOT a circle and warlords don’t rise up and states don’t fight each other for resources and there isn’t one of the largest power vacuums the world has ever known causing international chaos. But I am not optimist.

[violentviolette]

1,4,7,15,19

its from the ask game that you reblogged, about the uncomfortable shit

1. what’s the best advice you’ve ever been given?

u gotta get out of ur own head. I'm an over thinker by nature and delusional with a tenuous grip on reality at the best of times, and I easily get swallowed up in an echo chamber of my own thoughts and make problems bigger and more complicated then they need to be. sometimes the best solution really is to touch grass lmfaooo

also that I have all the control and power over myself. I decide who I am and how I act and what I chose to believe. nothing happens unless I do it myself. constructing a purposeful sense of self like that was really helpful to me in getting more control over myself and my life

4. tell me about your most vivid memory, good or bad.

u ask for a memory and suddenly I have none. I have zero object or emotional permanance so rn my most vivid memory is from last week lmfaooo

ryo and I were watching youtube vids about random ass shit at like 2am and somehow we got on the subject of how smart certain animals and specifically certain dinosaurs were and he went on a little info dump rant and told me that a trex was as smart as a fucking chimpanzee and this knowledge both amazed and terrified me and I am now forever changed

7. tell me something you don’t like telling the people you are close to.

I dont like saying anything especially about myself and my feelings ironically enough and so genuinely the ppl who are close to me are the ones who are observant and understanding enough to either work it out themselves or flat out ask lmfaooo because I do very much hold to the rule that I will answer direct questions as honestly as I can when it comes to my interpersonal relationships, but volunteering any info is still Rough lmfaoo

15. do you prefer to be numb or overly emotional? why?

its always a grass is greener thing for me. when I'm numb I'd rather be manic and when I'm manic I just wanna turn off. really what I'd like to be is emotionally stable but here we are lmfaoooo a boy can dream

19. what is your fatal flaw?

u mean I gotta pick just one? lmfaoo but probably my defensiveness and how reactionary I am. I work on it a lot but its probably still the thing I do most often, its just hard not to constantly be on edge but ive gotten really good at being able to walk it back and come at something the right way after a second at least

[solocyclepolyamory]

Be Gentle - I Might Not Deserve It

Conflict is uncomfortable; No matter how you slice it, emotional responses are mostly inevitable and it takes practice to come out the other side with transformation rather than hurt feelings. I have been staring at this blank screen for 5 days now and my fingers have finally found their way to the keys. Being an individual who struggles with perfectionism, simply the thought of discussing my shortcomings in conflict resolution was enough to stop me in my tracks. Admitting to one's self upon reflection that you could have done better is very different from putting such admittance into practice in real time, especially when the heat of battle has your head and your mouth in a state disconnect. Lucky for me, there is no shortage of opportunity to practice the art of making space for authenticity and acceptance of other conflict styles when relating to people outside of common relationship structures.

When I originally sat down write this I wanted to talk about Karpman's drama triangle (in case your are unfamiliar, you can find it here: https://agile-od.com/mental-model-dojo/karpmans-drama-triangle). Understanding this concept has been integral to my personal growth trajectory, so much so that I have the triangle tattooed over the spot one might refer to as the throat chakra. Interestingly enough, as I proceeded through the mental gymnastics of taking an end concept and working it upside down and backwards towards my internal experiences, I had a realization that left me stunned and steeping a few days longer than expected. My intent for this article was to explore the concepts around my tendency to operate from the position of 'the victim.' This has often been the end point of my own spiral, and something I have come up against recently in the processes of the people around me. As I pulled up the drama triangle and started to read, I clicked a link that brought me to another article called "Radical Candor." Then something happened. As I read, a connection was made to a behavior that I have recently become aware of through working with my counsellor. I had no idea that this behavior had a name: fundamental attribution error.

(I am going to paraphrase what I learned from this article and do my best to link it to my own experiences, but you can read the full article here: https://agile-od.com/reflective-leadership/radical-candor)

When I look back at many of my relationships, I can pin point where this concept has been the first step in a cascade of reactionary hardening in my emotional demeanor, and has very quickly lead to recoil and refusal to be physically touched. In those moments I have always placed the blame for my recoil on my partner's behavior; I truly believed that if they had not acted in a certain way I would not have felt the need to recoil. After reading that article, I can clearly see that while my partner's behavior was indeed a catalyst, it was not the reason for this emotional response at all. I can also see that the intent I had for this entry, to examine myself through the lens of 'the victim,' is no longer appropriate.

If I consider this chain of events through the scope of the drama triangle, it becomes obvious that this recurrent dissonance is not a byproduct of my habitual self-victimization. Rather, this is a consequence of my incomprehension around my own defensive routines where I gravitate to the position of 'the persecutor.' There is a monumental difference between these two positions, and I was mistaken in my certainty that my conflict style was to move quickly through persecution and rescuer and land firmly in victimization. In reality it appears that I have been making assumptions about my partners' internal experiences, and in my hard-headed responses I have been oppressing them rather than working with them to heal.

This is where this dance begins.

The more my partner experiences what I perceive to be self-pity the thicker my shell becomes, especially if that partner reaches to me for comfort. As my emotional plasticity evaporates, the harder it is for me to access compassion and gentleness. This quickly slides into blame in order to justify that the behavior I am observing is a character flaw rather than a circumstantial reaction. Where I should be extending compassion and space for the other side sort through their own healing processes, my defensive instinct is to assassinate their character and blame them for my emotional upheaval. This autopilot setting is not solely attached to conflict either. This can also be triggered situationally; I have had this pattern arise when partners have been struggling with self-doubt or depression, and I am aware that it even showed its ugly face while a past partner was recovering from surgery and struggling to reach the dishes in the top cupboards. How awful! This is something I can never unsee, and realizing this has come loaded with shame and embarrassment. What a terrible way to treat people.

I could take some time and dive into the childhood reasons why I behave this way, but justification seems trivial when I know that I have done damage to the relationships that have lived this with me. If you are reading this, you know who you are. I am so sorry if I have added to your trauma. I lacked the ability to see my own patterns and certainly the tools to acknowledge and navigate them.

Healing is a lonely process full of looking at the undesirable ways that you have treated people, and yourself. I am astounded that I still have people in my life who care to be around me, and I fully understand the reasons why some people have chosen not to stick around. I am also actively working to extend my past self compassion around my complete absence of self-awareness. It is alarming to realize that I have been actively responsible for many of the fissures in my romantic connections. I own that I have caused harm, and I am working hard to implement accountability for that harm. I am making amends where I can and slowing things down to avoid repetition.

I hate that my past partners have had to make sacrifices for my rigidness. I hope to do better.

I am trying to do better.