#bedtime for me now though
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gd. open tear-free sobbing with my face against a door bc I stepped outside with the contact lenses and the night is so much more beautiful
#found out as I was taking my evening meds that the one that staves off panic attacks somehow evaded my grasp when I took the morning dose#which explains me shaking this morning LOL but I'm just. lord. goodness. what a wonderful day for me#vision and sweet gifts and good friends and a darling partner#the doggy was super chatty today too. I don't know if he somehow sensed how much I adore his warbles but he did it alllll day for me#now that I have peripheral vision I can finally see how tall he looks next to me too#augh. heart full. head tangled#bedtime for me now though#after a good ten minutes trying to get the lenses OUT lol#I'll get used to it but it's always been a struggle
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what if you doodled the pre incident bonnie and sif hanging out
maybe cooking something together even
BANNED! banned from cooking forever!!!!
#asks#isat#in stars and time#isat bonnie#isat siffrin#four whole request in one day…. r u guys proud of me#bedtime now though 🫡🫡#roxx art
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ok, well. if last time i talked about parallels between near & light, i guess it’s only fair that this time i talk about parallels between mello & misa. yap central on this blog lately.
the main thing that stands out the most about mello & misa, and the reason why i will forever Defend them and their place in the story, is that in my mind they both function in a similar way on a narrative level: namely, both of them are incredibly active wild-card characters that keep the action going and the story moving forward when the other main characters like light, L, & near start getting too passive.
notably, while i often see this trait praised in mello, usually in the context of a comparative criticism of near for his overly-abundant passivity, i have also seen it used as a criticism of misa's character, that she breaks up the status quo of DN too significantly and thereby makes the story feel less realistic. this last point in particular is an odd argument to make imo, as if anything misa's presence only increases the realism of DN by adding some extra luck/random chance into the story in a way that is ultimately still character-motivated and thus easier for the audience to go along with-- something DN in general is very good at, often introducing elements through pure chance but keeping them grounded in characters enough that you almost don't even notice.
take light meeting naomi misora, for example: the only reason he runs across her at all is because he offers to run an errand for his mom on a bored laundry day, literally stumbling across her right at the exact moment she is divulging important insights she is literally the only person capable of making about kira. yet this moment does not stand out as particularly aggravating or out of place in the story, as ultimately the only reason why light is able to get out of that situation is his own quick thinking and ability to calm himself while under immense pressure, squeezing his way out of a potentially run-ending situation he didn't even know existed moments prior.
(not a fan of that big joel video, if you couldn't tell. lmao.)
point is, mello & misa both fulfill about the same narrative function in the story by being so aggressive in their actions, catching the others off guard even if their plans aren't as well thought out or careful as they could otherwise be. they're both incredibly passionate, dedicated characters as well, tough enough to take the hit when it inevitably comes, and in my opinion neither of them are nearly as stupid as the other MCs like to make them out to be. to some degree, i think both of them are aware of the fact that they can't win at the Mind Game Cold War Bullshit the others are inclined to get involved in, so they instead choose to carve out their own place in the story through sheer perseverance alone.
which, speaking of passion: one of the most interesting parallels i think you can make between mello & misa is the ways in which they idolize their respective heroes, misa's obviously being light while mello's is L. allow me to elaborate.
as this post points out, DN has some very interesting use of its religious imagery & theming, and in particular its use of christian/catholic gothic imagery in its story and especially its art. however, as op notes, a lot of this is quite superficial, ascribing to an aesthetic of "kitschy Catholicism," that was characteristic of a lot of early 2000s japanese goth style. yet, while i admit that a more serious consideration of religious elements in the art & story could add some interesting flavor to the story, i also think that, regardless of intention, the superficiality of DN's religious elements works really well in the context of this particular story. as i stated in my tags on that post: light is a superficial god. he is a fake, a scam, some idiot human that stumbled across the powers of a real shinigami and got his head up his ass about it. and a lot of the arcs of other characters in DN is about their reaction to light's claims-- whether they choose to follow him (e.g. misa, mikami), follow somebody else (e.g. mello), or follow nobody at all (e.g. near, also kinda soichiro?), and the implications that has for their lives and personalities.
this is all to say that while you can, on a surface level, connect misa & mello pretty easily as the two aggressive, fashionable blondes of the series, i also think that these somewhat superficial traits betray a greater connection between the two of them. if we understand the christian/catholic elements of misa & mello's fashion as a demonstration of their connection to not just a higher power but a lie, a superficial deity simply reflecting the sunlight of powers greater than himself, then i think we have great insight into another key element of both their characters.
do not forget: in the world of DN, heaven & hell do not exist. at least in the context of death itself, the realm & lore of the shinigami reign supreme, a point which the DN musical makes even more overt: "Isn't it a laugh? / Isn't it a shame? / Thinking there is someone in heaven to blame?" and "Going through the motions / as if there will be a reward / Oh, while we stay eternally bored!" (BEST SONGGG.) everyone is destined for the same fate of MU, the same void of nothingness awaits all. no reward, no punishment, no greater deity looking down upon us than the bored, slothful shinigami, lazing about in their realm and picking people off only when necessary (for the most part).
misa & mello are thus dedicating themselves to false idols, and we can see the negative effects this has on them in almost every facet of their character-- particularly for mello, who is perhaps more self-aware and has more of a mixed emotional outlook on his idol, but maybe even to a more extreme degree for misa. i keep going back to this idea of equating boredom with depression in DN, but where light/L/near are all "bored" in a very quiet, passive, stewing-in-bed late at night kinda way, misa & mello are characteristically a lot more aggressive and intense about it-- while neither of them are super overtly suicidal, necessarily, their actions still betray a distinct lack of care for their own safety or lives, expressing the same thematic sentiment as the others. even if they still don't straight up say it, through their actions they're a lot louder about not liking themselves, and seem to take the problems they see in the world more personally, shouldering the blame as a failure within themselves instead of projecting it outward like the others: e.g. light taking his unhappiness at the emptiness of his life at the start of the story & placing the blame on the world for "going to shit" & humanity's moral failings, versus misa being willing to literally & figuratively give up her life for KIRA the second he demands it, whether that be in the form of shinigami eyes or killing her own friends w/o second thought-- all because he was the only thing to bring justice to her own parents' deaths, an almost undoubtedly traumatizing/horrible experience for her considering how much value she places on KIRA/light afterwards.
to clarify, this is not to say that all of these characters are actually and literally depressed and/or suicidal, though you could certainly make that argument for some/all of them-- this is just one way that i think you could interpret their roles in the plot, and their thematic attachment to the story. even if DN isn't all that interested in considering the True Moral Answer to ethics/the justice system/human society/etc, it definitely takes at least some interest in the emotional viewpoints of characters in relation to those concepts, so i think this is a fair enough approach to take. or to say this another way, it's less about justifying the claim that "the world is shit," and more about trying to understand the emotional motivation & experience of feeling like the world is shit, if that makes sense.
that being said...speaking more on the whole "not liking themselves," thing: even if she doesn't say it aloud often, if ever, i think that misa is deeply aware of the fact that she was not supposed to live this long, that her existence at all is a pure stroke of luck that let her live on past her destined date. she dedicates herself to light so fully, not even necessarily expecting reciprocation (though she at least reserves herself the possibility of such), because being a disciple to her god at least gives her life some kind of purpose. similarly, i think mello is also aware of just how out of reach the one thing he wants is, how his desperation in and of itself is ironically the one thing keeping him from surpassing near and truly being #1. it's important to note that pre-time skip misa & post-skip mello are almost exactly the same age, around 20 years old at the time of their main arcs. they're immature, and in the case of mello especially, are lashing out at the world in whatever way they can because they know they don't quite fit into it in the way that they want to or should. regardless of the intent behind it, mello & misa both still make the conscious decision to kill with the DN-- perhaps in a way that still keeps their humanity, at least following near's logic, but it's a decision to end a human life either way.
anyways, going back to my previous point, this "worshiping of false idols," idea has some interesting implications-- for misa & mello yes, but also for L and the ways in which he contrasts again light, as under this logic mello's treatment kind of inherently gives L a similar status as a sort of false god/idol. which-- actually makes a lot of sense? or at the very least, viewing wammy's house as a kind of mystery cult a la the eleusinian mysteries is a neat approach to take. L & light's mutual alienation from humanity fits them both filling a false god status, anyway. also there's another thread of analysis you could follow here where near is instead fit into the role of the person mello is fixated on which AAAAAAAAA has interesting implications but jesus fucking christ, this post is long. some thoughts for another time, i suppose.
#death note#astronaut rambles#misa amane#mello#mihael keehl#mihael when he keehls you.........#damn u choc#the whole 'certified yapper' thing was kind of a joke a few posts ago fucking christ what happened to me#this ended up being about a lot more than just mello & misa oopsie#long post#had to pause in the middle of writing this cuz that ryuk/rem song is way too fucking good goddamn#...which also accidentally ended up being a couple days break. whoops#hope this one is still coherent i fear i got a bit repetitive even as the main points were quite simple =3=''#i should talk about the shinigami at some point... rem desperately needs some good meta around here aklsdfjk#sighh. all in due time#gotta post this now though so i can stop staring at it#ig it's bedtime for apples now. gotta go eepy so i can go grocery shopping tomorrow. :/#it's okay gotta feed yourself somehow#love you guys take care!!
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imagine loving someone so much you’ll leave to keep them out of danger, your heart hurts but it’s to keep the danger that follows you away from them, imagine being comforted thinking the ones you love are strong and healthy, they’ll be fine just like they always have been without you, your children are protected by the one you love, someone strong and dependable, imagine going to sleep comforted by this information… imagine being so distant from the ones you love to be so unaware of just how false your false sense of comfort regarding their wellbeing is, not knowing how close to the one you love, the one you see as strong and undefeatable, is to giving up, to let himself get lost forever, and just how much pain all those you love have endured and are haunted by
imagine leaving to protect someone you love, only to unknowingly risk losing them forever to a threat you could’ve never even imagine
i’m thinking a bit too hard about qmissa and just how unaware he is of the fastly declining mental health of his family, hiding in an attempt to keep his family safe while not knowing just how desperately he is needed by them :(
#qsmp#qsmp missa#qsmp philza#qsmp death family#deathduo#death duo#ask to tag#the revelation that qphil is borderline suicidal fucked me up even though i already had a feeling#and now i can’t stop thinking about the tragedy of qmissa not knowing about any of his family’s recent struggles#idk if he even knows about the nightmare i’ll be honest#oh btw this is nothing negative to qmissa i love the guy i’m just talking about how tragic it is how unaware he is of his family’s recent-#struggles and developments#i wonder how long it’ll take for him to learn about the enderking#he’ll learn about it through the eggs i’m sure but how long will it take for them to see him again#and how long will they take to bring it up to him#godddd this family they’re so sweet but so tragic#shey rambles#this truly is me rambling and word vomiting after seeing @panxramic 's post about qmissa's love for qphil#and being inflicted with thinking about qmissa a bit too hard disease#buenas noches have this as a bedtime story from me
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Christopher Briney and Suki Waterhouse in Dalíland (2022)
Please do not save, repost, or edit these gifs for any reason, use the reblog button instead. Also please do not interact if you’re a celeb rp blog or if you write taboo content on your blog, thank you!
#chris briney#Christopher Briney#suki waterhouse#Dalíland#filmedit#cbrineyedit#swaterhouseedit#userdevon#gifs:mine#smoking cw#smoking tw#daliland#opp: jason fields#serissa branwell#...the fact i have a chris set queued for now too is not lost on me but this one was not planned#i mean 0/3 were planned but this one was extra not planned but i want to post it before i crash because it's way past katie sleep hours#it's okay knowing me i won't post new sets for like 3+ months so it'll all even out right??? ngl mostly made this one to rb to my oc#musings side blog it was too jason x seri vibes to not and i'd wait to post but i wanna slide this link to someone before i crash#and i'm so tired i'm shocked i'm not literally collapsing so... bedtime for me <3 if i ever post 3 chris sets this close to each other#again remove idm AND photoshop from me please and thank you <3 night night time though ily guys <3
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#moodevil#vampire girl#but all grown up now a few hundred years later#i didn't want her armor to be the same as the Count's#even though it used to be his#she had to modify it to fit her because he's bigger than her#and she lost some of the pieces#but she trained up hard and followed in his footsteps to be just like him :_:#all so she can get revenge on the skeleton that ruined her life#they're already fighting and he knocked her helmet off and now her identity is revealed#the blow that took off the helmet got her too but the taste of her own blood only empowers her further#don't tell her she has Miku hair or she'll bite you with her snaggled teeth :(#doodle#that kept me up past bedtime :(
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i never know what to do w my hands in pictures
#was hoping for some bruises but this isn’t bad at all#have got a bite mark or two though#and now it’s bedtime. fuck me#‘fuck me’ under the Scratched Up Bare Chest Photo#anyway#whatever#i’m going to sleep
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my last week, a visual demonstration
#Robin processes emotions on main#hi yes I came back early. it's in order to process. I needed to like.... spill my guts on the dashboard tonight#IM STRUGGLING..#I have GOT to get a job#just one (1) more visit to a friend this summer and then I will be APPLYING for things again#also I'm having the very devil of a time trying to get myself to contribute to this household. I hate it#I hate that helping out makes me feel like I'm losing my agency—losing myself—like I'm dying every time. I want to be BETTER than this#but I also need to feel like an adult with agency but also I need to BEHAVE like an adult but even just saying that makes me feel nauseous#I need. something. to change. I hate this. I feel selfish and cowardly and I hate feeling selfish and cowardly#I need to . communicate. work something out with my mother so that I stop feeling perpetually behind and ashamed#if I could manage to feel good about chores and not just like I'm scrambling to keep up..... that would..... be... more... motivational#the problem is that I feel unsafe/unstable right now and my instinctive response is to close myself off to all demands#WHICH AS YOU CAN IMAGINE IS NOT CONDUCIVE TO BECOMING MORE STABLE.#demand avoidance makes me bad at contributing to the household AND terrified of applying to jobs and AUGH... AUGH.#I DO BETTER WHEN I LIVE ON MY OWN#living on my own‚ I don't have to deal with the whole soul-crushing horrorshow of negotiating my own emotions about doing chores#chores are GOOD and ENJOYABLE when they're for ME. they're only psychological torture when they're things I do as part of my ''rent''#ok. bedtime. I've sufficiently spilled my dang guts all over the place. it will get better eventually I think#I'm just having a horrible time Right Now#I'll figure this out though dangit#I KNOW the answer is to just Do the stuff and face fears and communicate and whatever I KNOW. but if anyone tells me that I'm going to bite#ok I'm done thank you and sorry to anyone reading this far <3 it really will be all right
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Also i watched the fnaf movie it was. Actually kind of adorable. Also yeah it was enjoyable as horror. I still love foxy a lot !! i used to love him as a kid. Anyone else shipped him with the mangle in like the fnaf 2 era. Im serious i did my little pony art of them when i was a kid.
#i lost my old art though#i have old old living tombstine songs stuck in my head now#like noticed and balloons. i havent heard them in AGES#just like balloons. we'll soar on our own..... :(#the first few lines still make me shiver#like abt missing their bedtimes and all. they were kids :(
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ok I scheduled my artfight things finally. you will never guess what happened (<- the forgetter)
#rambumbles#past my bedtime now. work has been Rough and I am tired ^_^#will probably try to work on more artfight things tomorrow though since I got 2 more attacks I think aaaa#and then car shopping again monday.... sighhh I just want to play and draw. but no. I have to deal with all this adult Bull Shit#fun(?) fact it's been about a year at my job now. my coworkers gave me a products poster that they wrote nice things on for me#I forget that I'm a person sometimes honestly so people talking about me or saying nice things always catches me off-guard#anyways. no time to unpack All Of That. goodnight :wave:
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Coincidentally "ohh doggy!" Is the same thing that comes to mind spotting you out in the wild of my dashboard
Don't have any fucking doggy reaction pics only kitty cat and horsey so have this crude edit. Wags my tail at this ^_^ correct reaction too. If you catch me around you gotta do a Tommy Wiseau and hit me with the oh hi doggy!. It's the morally correct choice.
#luly talks#free to adapt based on whichever animal I'm vibing w hardest at the time alternatively too#unless I'm monkey posting which is rare but i think best case scenario there is throw some fruit at me and keep the distance#but that's RARE tbh only twice or thrice have i had those eras#honestly I'd make a list of all the animals i relate to and to what degree i wont but i could.#though kitty doggy horsey and rarely monki are my main ones and cats are not Even yknow like#i have cat like qualities but i am not a cat per se. more like a dog that was socialized around cats. if doggy was kitty y'know#l.l. is my dogsona in spirit and that iss shown in them bc they're mostly dog but can still purr and have cat-like reactions to things#horses are Completely detached from it tho to the point i cant even make a sona or fursona or whatever#its the most face value stuff. like just picture a horse. now give me a sugar cube. y'know#or spicy curry. i wont survive it but I'll love it.#i once made a whole list of all the others i mean cows are big up there there's a reason why cowly exists#cow eyes are something my family has too. big dark cow eyes. my eyes look not as big bc I'm always experiencing sensory overload and im chic#ato and im sleepy but TRUST ME BRO. WHEN IM HEALTHY MY EYES LOOK SO BIG AND ROUND#I think cow mood really requires in general a deep fucking level of peace.#yeah some of these are like only achievable thru certain emotions.#dog is very versatile too bc it has that biting back quality to it. though luckily I've been not needing to bare teeth#yet i keep tasting copper. curious!#yeah I'm just infodumping now you caught me b4 bedtime and i just felt like talking about this ok. pretends to jump on you#asks#anon
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I lied, I'll be alive tomorrow, I've still been catching up on stuff in life today/errands and need sleep still I think :/
#personal#I've been just SLEEPING for real after this trip#ALSO NICK I SEE YOUR DISCORD MESSAGES I'LL RESPOND FINALLY TOMORROW WHEN I'M NOT FEELING LIKE A ZOMBIE 😭😭😭#I did some errands today and that killed me today O-|<#still not to full power yet lollll#tried drawing a bit but just running errands today really took me out#bedtime now though 😞#again lollll
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I need to go to bed I’m just gonna shout a lil
#ice hockey needs to chill the fuck out#I had such a good night tonight!! was ssosososossososososo happy#but afterwards people started shouting in the group chat#and they all have very valid reasons for being angry but my god the us vs them mentality is STRONG#I am concerned abt how much people want to escalate things and how quickly they’re moving to do that#I am aware I am a doormat and a people pleaser or whatever but#I mean for one this is a tense political situation and we don’t wanna burn bridges#(there is no real politics i am being dramatic to be clear)#two clubs. alike in dignity. in fair Verona where we lay our scene#and I am personally managing at least 4 fragile egos that are all highly volatile#as well as an internal divide that’s threatening to cause problems very soon#I also should not be part of this anymore! and yet.#also why are specifically men who play team sports so dramatic when you get them all together#like that’s a whole shitstorm that is so easy to set off#anyway with my club I can’t blame the committee for being dramatic (different way to what I just said they’re not the same people)#bc I sure as fuck was overdramatic which fed into other people ramping up BUT that normally snapped me the fuck out of it#so I tempered the worst of it yknow. but I don’t think this new committee has that#/is not willing to listen to the person who would play that role#anyway if people don’t play nice it’s going to start some actual shit which will be deeply unpleasant for everyone#particularly the people who are in both clubs and do not deserve this bc they’ll be getting it from both sides and theyve done nothing wrong#anyway! bedtime now <3 I’m just frustrated bc the person who maybe would’ve calmed everyone down is out of commission#and I should not and am not willing to have the power to tell people to stop even though I probably still could#it’s whatever. sleep#luke.txt
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i love to be bad at video games btw. killed the artillery hunter in old yharnam!!!!! by uh. by falling off the tower. and dying. but he jumped after me and also died on impact so i still won :3 work smarter not harder folks <3
#didn't even realize until i went back up there to try and fight him again and he was not there 😭#whatevsies... went and beat the bloodstarved beast by myself in under ten tries right after that. so. gamer life.#saw cleaver is SO much fucking easier to use than the axe was 😭 last playthrough attempt was terrible i'm a close-quarters fighter#bought the axe again today though so! chance to learn to use it again while having access to a weapon that's easier for me#swinging that axe around in a crowd of enemies is so satisfying...#of course i always get immediately pummeled after that cause the recovery time is so slow on the axe but.#maybe now that i dodge better.#anyway! bedtime for bracken now. gotta stop posting about bloodborne sfkgjhsdf#valentine notes#bloodborne
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I'm over here getting all concerned that the grad students won't like me now and then I won't be able to work in the center. And everyone I have told that to goes "when has anyone ever not liked you? when has that happened?" and I'm over here going "WELL THERE'S A FIRST TIME FOR EVERYTHING".
But what if they decide I'm weird and don't want me because of that? Plenty of people have thought that about me before. Or what if they think my deficits in knowledge are too large to be overcome and that I would be more of a hinderance than a help???? These are actual possibilities.
#listen I find it funny that apparently for all my desires to be cool and edgy I am just too easy to get along with lmao#but I am nervoussss#tbh the comedown of my stress today was so strong it has felt like my eyeballs have been vibrating since#and I am soooo sleepy#I have a couple chores I have to do and then bedtime for me#right now though I am eating mac n cheese and watching hannibal#I am also going to have to read 'freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose'#that is The science story for me and I am going to need it to get through this#I can't live in constant stress for the next week and some odd days before this meeting#I also have some ideas about how to prepare for this meeting which will help I think
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Getting my notes together for AKB has been SUCH a struggle for the past, uh... three? weeks? But I have notes in a digital document and an outline written out, and I am trying so hard to remind myself that that IS INDEED enough to go on. If it comes down to it. I CAN improvise descriptions and stuff. I WILL BE OKAY.
#this has been a post#do i need a loremaster tag?#don't mind me#what's even funny about this is that i used to run my first campaign like this#sketched out outlines and stat blocks literally cut/pasted into a notebook#and i did fine!#i don't HAVE to write blocks of scenery text and dialogue bits#me @ me: TRUST YOURSELF. IT'LL BE OKAY.#i am sad though that i haven't had the energy to do big prep with block text and extensive descriptions of nightmares#but it'll be okay. it'll be okay. i'm forgiving myself. my players might not even notice the difference!#okay enough. bedtime now.#to be deleted maybe#ttrpg catch all tag
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