#because this might be weird but I also adore reading the bookmarks that people leave

[metaphorical-goblin]

I love when someone asks me for a rec and I can unfurl the manuscripts lol

[jon-withnoh]

Helloooo Jon I'm here for the ask game

😅 🤗 ✨️

Have a great day :)

Camel

What’s a story or scene you’ve created that you’re a smidge embarrassed exists? This is a great question! It always depends on context. I’m very fond of Was Wird Aus Uns as a whole, but in the first chapters it’s a little obvious (at least to me) that I was getting back into writing prose after a long break. Many of the descriptions are a little over-written, but I don’t necessarily want to go back and edit them as I might do with original work, because they also show how far I’ve come since then. I’m a little embarrassed about those chapters (especially when people who I think are really cool are reading the fic), but at the same time I find them quite endearing. Also there’s the smut. Uh, yeah, still embarrassed about that one! I’m leaving it up though, because a) some people have it bookmarked and I respect that and b) it’s nothing to be embarrassed about.

What advice would you give new fanfic writers that are just getting started? Write the story that you want to read, not what you think other people in the fandom want to read. In the early chapters of Nie Wirst Du, I was pushing myself to make the fic more explicit than I’m really comfortable with (those of you who were there from the beginning might remember the initial Explicit rating), because it would have fit right into all those juicy character dynamics I was creating. However, trying to write a more explicit story was also really stressing me out, so I took a step back from it and wrote it in a way I was more comfortable with. Same for Was Wird Aus Uns. It’s fluffy and sweet because that’s what I wanted to read at the time. Some of my favourite oneshots get very little attention, but I still think they’re some of my best fics. Just write the fic that you think needs to exist! There’s some really excellent writing in this fandom and it might be tempting to write in the style of other authors or borrow ideas from them, but in the end, nobody can write the fic you write. That’s what makes it cool and special and yours. Also, if anybody gives you a hard time or is weird about your writing, you don’t have to engage. You could even just mute or block them. We’re here to enjoy a shared space and celebrate each other’s writing.

Give you and your writing a compliment. Well, one thing I’m very proud of is that I’ve really made these characters my own. The way I write Danny, Rebecca, Beatrice or Ich is my own way of writing them and that’s really fun! For me, there’s no tension between having my own versions of these characters and absolutely adoring and enjoying how other people are writing them. We all bring something specific to the table and we’ll all have slightly different perspectives on the same characters. I find that very enjoyable.

Thanks for the questions, Camel! I hope you have a lovely day whenever you see this :)

[flowerbeds-and-fairywings]

fruity pebbles and cinnamon toast crunch for ‘ferre please because oh my god i adore the fact he’s your partner so much… i am already affectionately sitting cross legged and wanting to know more… (squips-ship)

hello !!

aww that makes me so happy to hear !!! ty !! <3

while i honestly get nervous when people wait to listen to me, i'm going to do my best to take it in stride and talk about my beloved (◡ ‿ ◡ ✿)

~

Fruity Pebbles: Does your f/o prefer to stay up late or wake up early?

ah yes, fruity pebbles because we both are, in fact, ✨🌈 fruity 🌈✨

but to answer the question: yes. he typically goes to bed at a reasonable time ( while i, on the other hand, do Not ) and then wakes up early. istg if he wakes me up again before the sun has risen i'm going to lose my mind (/lh).

at least it's nice bc he's very good at making breakfast <3 ( i , meanwhile, cannot cook )

~

Cinnamon Toast Crunch: What are some cute little habits or details that you / your f/o notice about each other that you love?

the way he fixes his glasses. it's never the same time in a row ( thinking about that glasses alignment chart: thankfully he isn't insane and he doesn't push them up by the glass ) .

when he's thinking, he stares at his pen — which is honestly hilarious ( it's like he's trying to divine the answer from whatever writing utensil he's holding ) .

some little reading things he does are also sweet ! he never bends the spine of the books, so i have to be careful to not bend any of the books i borrow from him. he also keeps a lot of bookmarks on hand as to mark his page ( some of them are pretty unconventional, though, so i'll sometimes leave nicer ones in their place :] ) ; and, sometimes he'll get so enveloped into his reading that he won't even realize if people are talking to him ! ( though i can't blame him bc i do that sometimes too "^^ )

not so much something he loves(?), but he notices that i sometimes tap my pen while i'm thinking; he'll put something soft down underneath the impact so that the sound doesn't bother me and make the feelings worse ( which is honestly so helpful ) .

i mess with my hair a lot ( especially when it's not already put up ) . typically i don't even notice i'm doing it, it's more of a habit than anything ! he's started keeping a hair tie or two on hand, and i think he might be studying how to braid hair :0 ( he thinks it's pretty and should therefore be styled prettily )

~

( @squips-ship , tagging you bc anon answers can be weird sometimes )

[archetypal-archivist]

It's honestly low key a bit amusing to me how many followers I get simply because if I reblog something I always tag it, and will frequently reblog it with an addition of some kind as well. That habit extends to my AO3 account too, I have something like 900+ works bookmarked and of that number, fewer than 100 are without additional tags I've slapped on there.

It's just, like. I curate my shit. Always have, which dates back to when I didn't have an AO3 account and my mobile phone had a slide out keyboard. I had to use the built in bookmarking system that google comes to find fics that I liked, which meant I had to sort what I read and wrote into categories for later finding.

And it's, like, so weird to me how careful curation of your work and digital media space isn't something built into tumblr and AO3 users. If you want to find something I've written? I have a tag for that here on Tumblr. If I want to find a specific drawing reference? I tag everything with a drawing reference tag then sort by time and post type in the Archive function. I want to read a short, sweet, fluffy fic but don't have anything specific in mind? My bookmarks on AO3 are sorted by length, how much I like them, and general vibe.

So it becomes ten times weirder for me when traversing the digital space because I'm so used to leaving my little footnotes and curations on other people's works that I forget that people take that as a sign of adoration or respect. Folks are so used to getting likes and fast reblogs without tags that they start getting mushy when they realize someone might want to come back and look at their post again and again.

Which, I'm not complaining. If you like the fact that if I reblog something off you there's a decent chance I'll come back to it later, more power to you. Glad I made you happy, bro.

But I kinda wish more folks got into the habit of curating their digital world. For one thing, it helps you keep track of the clutter and makes it obvious when something unfamiliar creeps into your space. I can track when I drop one fandom for another because I tag everything I reblog. I have definite dates I can point at for when I got interested in something. And looking back on that feels really cool.

Curating and tagging also helps others too. If you come to my blog for something specific, I have stuff in place that makes it easier to find it. If you want recommendations for fics to read, the fics I've bookmarked on AO3 are covered in notes about what I liked and disliked about them.

Finally, it makes the artists and writers happy when you pay enough attention to their work that you take an extra minute or two from your day to make an addition. They make content without pay, so they deserve all the recognition in the world.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, like, curate your fandom experience? It makes life easier on everyone involved and It's appreciated besides.

Have a nice day and welcome to my Ted Talk I guess, lol.

[inlovewithfictionals]

Just Like Us, In A Way. (Jason Todd x Reader)

A/N: Yep, i’m writing for Jaybird. So I got this prompt from my friend and I was going to write it about Dick, but then I remember that Jason loves to read. So I thought this would fit more with Jason. Oh and there’s a spoiler for “The House of Hades” book, so if you want to read it, might wanna skip. Unless you’re fine with spoilers. And there’s a Harry Potter reference in this, so I’ll just let you know that ‘Y/H/H’ means ‘Your Hogwarts House’. Ok bye! Enjoy, loves!

Prompt: “What if you wrote about person B on the house, reading. And they’re in the middle of the feels, and then person A enters the room and was like ‘What’re you doing?’ Then person B explains and person A’s just like ‘that sounds like us’.”

Warnings: Fluff (it feels weird to write a fluff for Jason), a couple of curse words, a small drop of angst (and I meant really small).

Word Count: 1580

   It’s a calm night at Gotham. The night sky is pretty clear, a slight cold breeze in the air, not much noise outside nor inside Y/N’s and Jason’s apartment.

   Y/N is sitting on the couch alone, reading a book called ‘The House of Hades’ while munching on some potato chips. She was supposed to go on a patrol with Jason and the rest of the Batfam tonight, but because of last week’s event, she had to stay at home and rest.

   Basically, Bruce had told Dick, Jason, and Tim to go on a mission, while Damian and Y/N had to stay. Much to their dismay. Apparently, the mission was ‘dangerous’. Which is why Jason didn’t want her to come. “It’s too risky, Y/N.” he had said. As for Damian, he was sick but he still protested that his father didn’t allowed him to go. He finally gave up in the end, being too tired to argue.

   But Y/N? She didn’t gave up. Like the stubborn girl she is, she decided that she’s a big girl and that she can handle this ‘dangerous’ mission. Besides, maybe they need an extra help. And how bad can it be?

   Long story short, she ended up having a sprain on her left ankle, a bullet wound on her shoulder and a pissed off, overprotective boyfriend. Thus, she had to stay at home for a couple of weeks and rest.

   Now, here she is. On the couch, alone, emotionally invested in a book. As usual.

   Jason and Y/N both loves to read. Whether it’s about science, thriller, fantasy, or an old classical books, they’d read them. That’s kind of the reason why they clicked. It’s the similarities between them.

   Sometimes, they would read together before bed. Y/N’s head on Jason’s shoulder and his’ on top of her head, reading along. He’ll complain out loud if one of the characters did something stupid or embarrassing and he’ll comfort Y/N when she’s crying over a characters death. Or he’ll laugh at her for crying over a characters death.

   “He’s just a fictional character, doll.” Jason chuckled.

   “He’s much more than that and you fucking know it.” She cried.

   This time, she’s all alone. Therefore, no one can comment anything about her being emotional because of a book. Unfortunately for her, that didn’t last long.

   Y/N was too deep into the story when Jason arrived. He enters through the bedroom window, expecting to see her curled up on their bed, asleep. But confused when he sees no one in the room. He checked the bathroom, but no one was there as well. Taking his helmet and domino mask off, Jason starts to worry.

   I swear, if she goes on a patrol without me knowing-

   His thoughts was stopped once he saw Y/N on the couch, with blanket covering her shoulders, slightly shaking, and whimpering softly while muttering “oh my god, I love them.”

   Never mind, then.

   He peeked from the back of the couch to see that she’s reading a book. He forgets about his previous worried feeling and almost giggled on the sight of his girlfriend in the middle of what she often called “feels”.

   Jason takes off his gloves and shoes, and went closer to Y/N’s oblivious self. When he got closer, he looked at her from the behind the couch, right beside her left shoulder. “What are you reading?”

   Y/N was jumped. She screamed and on instinct, she hits him with the book. Jason falls back, groaning in pain. As soon as she heard him groan, she immediately realizes that it’s just Jason.

   “Jason! I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to smack you!” She exclaimed, while giving Jason a hand.

   “For a paperback, fuck, that kind of hurts.” He groaned, holding his forehead above his right eyebrow where she accidently hits him.

   “Well, next time, announce your arrival first, Todd.” Y/N laughed.

   Jason laughed, grabbing her hand and stands up. He jumps over and sitting beside Y/N that already has the blanket around her again.

   “So, how was patrol?” Y/N asks him while flipping the page.

   He shrugs, putting his head on her lap. “Not much happened. In fact,” he paused to laugh. “Your book-attack was the hardest hit I got tonight.”

   “Must’ve been a slow night then?”

   Jason hummed in agreement. “Hey, you haven’t answered my question. What’re you reading?” He asked again, looking at the cover.

   “The House of Hades.”

   “Rick Riordan?”

   “Yeah.” Y/N answered shortly, eyes are still on the book.

   “I thought the series was about demigod and stuff.” Jason said, his tone was a little confused but interested, in a way.

   “It is. Why?” She asked, suspicious. Jason smirked, looking at the ceiling.

   “Before you hit me, you were in the midst of ‘feels’. Emotionally attached to fictional characters again, Y/L/N?”

   Y/N groaned in annoyance before putting her bookmark and shutting the book. She hugs her book tightly as if she’s defending it and herself. “I can’t help it, Jason! They’re so perfect and I love them so much!” She whisper-yelled at him.

   “But what exactly happened, though? Cliché stuff and all that or…?” Jason chuckled.

   Despite him acting like he was only making fun of her, he was actually curious to what happened. He loves listening to her rambling about the story on and on. Sure, sometimes she spoiled the story for him. But sometimes, he didn’t mind.

   “Well, two of the main characters, which just so happens to be my OTP, falls into Tartarus. Also known by mortals as Hell. That happens because one of them didn’t want to let go when the other falls and in results, both of them falls.” Y/N stopped to take a deep breath as she placed the book on the coffee table.

   “And now they’re suffering on this hellhole, surrounded by monsters. Each second there could kill them and they have to find a way out. While doing so, they fight through hell, literal hell, alongside of each other. No matter how tough things gets, they don’t leave each other and I just got so emotional by this. So, no, it’s technically not a cliché thing.”

   Y/N’s eyes was glossy the moment she finished, but she managed to let out a small chuckle. She’s sad, angry at the author for putting these characters into this situation, and last but not least, she felt embarrassed. Even she herself thinks that it’s quite embarrassing to cry over a fictional story.

   She covers her face with her hands as she cries softly. Jason who was now laughing, sat up and embrace her tightly. He’s careful not to hurt her ankle or her shoulder. When he calmed down, he removed her hands from her face, and wiped her tears away.

   “Hey, it’s okay. They’re two of the main characters, after all. I’m sure they would be fine.” Though Jason, also being someone who loves to read, knows that not all main characters on any kind of story, survived. He of all people would know that.

   “You’re just saying that to make me feel better.” She noted, her voice still shaking. However, her voice was laced with a hint of playfulness.

   “You are correct, TEN POINTS FOR Y/H/H!” He playfully announced, still holding her on his arms.  She started to cackle at him.

   “You know, these people are just like us, in a way.”

   “Really?” Y/N questioned him. She had calmed down from her emotional state.

   “Yeah. I mean, we also suffered on a hellhole called ‘real world’ and we always fight together. No matter what.” Jason smiled, giving her a kiss on the temple.

   “And we would, stupidly, hurt ourselves for each other.” He says while glancing at her and her injuries, back and forth.

   “Oh you mean…” she lifts her ankle, wincing slightly. “…this?”

   Jason sighed, his face full of concern and signs of protectiveness. “You shouldn’t have attacked that goon. Look where that put you.”

   “The guy was about to attack you. I couldn’t let that happen.” She told him.

   “I could handle him, that way you wouldn’t be the one getting hurt. It should’ve been me!” Jason argued.

   “Jason, it’s just a sprain and a bullet wound. I’m fine. The point is that you and I are alive, and that’s what matters.” Y/N puts her hands on his cheek and gave him a reassuring smile. A smile that could calm anyone down. A smile that he absolutely adores.

   Jason smiled back, giving her a quick peck on the lips before placing his nose on hers. “How did I find myself a girl that could be so reckless on a mission and yet cried over a book?”

   “You’ve found yourself a treasure, babe. Don’t waste it.” Y/N smirked.

   “Don’t worry, I won’t.” He placed a passionate kiss on her lips.

   They stayed like that for a few more seconds before they pull apart. Y/N puts her head on top of his chest and sighed calmly. The room was filled with a comfortable silence, until Jason broke it.

   “So, are we going to read that book tonight?” He says, referring to the book she was reading.

   “It’s the fourth book on the series. You sure you won’t mind?”

   Jason thought about it for a moment and then he just shrugs. “I don’t mind.”

   Y/N tidy up the living room first before grabbing the book and her blanket and went to the bedroom, with Jason trailing behind.

   “Jason, you might want to change your outfit first.”

[cross-d-a]

fic tag game

aaahhh @vishcount thank you for tagging me!!! These are so fun and I adored reading about your fic journey~!  ೖ(⑅σ̑ᴗσ̑)ೖ ❤

OH as a note!! For the ppl I tag at the end I don’t expect you to read all of this bc it’s A Lot!!! but I figured you might want to do this game yourself? haha :)

Name: cross-d-a shortened version of my first ever username. unfortunately stuck with it now haha but i’m fond of it :p wish it was cuter tho!!

Posting the rest of this under the cut so it doesn’t eat up people’s dashes!! 

(｡•̀ᴗ-)✧

Fandoms: 

oKAY YIKES there are....honestly too many too name. I’ve got a short and obsessive attention span so it’s either all or nothing with me usually. When I can stay in a fandom for a long period of time it’s a miracle. I’ll name the bigger ones that I’ve all written fic for! Even if I’ve never posted them haha

Right now I’m very firmly into Daomu Biji (dmbj). It feels like it’s both got a crap ton of content and yet barely anything at all haha. Maybe because the English fandom is so small. But at least there are a bunch of dramas and books!!! I really, really, really adore dmbj so much!! And a large part of that is the fandom!!! It's been a really cool and unique experience! Everyone in it is truly so kind and wonderful, and I’ve made some really incredible friends because of it (looking at you vish!! ❤). I’ve got a bunch of wips, but I’ve only posted two fics for dmbj!

Before this I was very into Guardian and mdzs. MDZS was my first foray into cdramas and Guardian’s Zhu Yilong really suckered me into watching more haha I also have fics for both these fandoms!

My very first fandoms were Fullmetal Alchemist, D. Gray-Man and Naruto. My very old ffnet account has fics for these and I’ve got a bunch of newer wips on my tablet. Then Star Trek, Twilight, BBC Merlin, Sherlock, Death Note, Harry Potter, How to Train Your Dragon, Battlestar Galactica, Avatar the Last Airbender and Marvel were a few of my main ones in high school. Plus a bunch of anime (like Fruits Basket! and Kuroshitsuji and Natsume Yuujinchou). 

Then college hit and I renewed my childhood love of Tolkien (mainly lotr and the Hobbit), and Star Wars. I also found Teen Wolf! Then after college it was Stranger Things. 

I find myself in a cycle of mild fondness and complete obsession with these fandoms haha I go back to Star Wars at least once a year!! Then I’m in the gffa hole for a few months. Marvel also reoccurs, depending on how interested I am in new content! Star Trek I always always always go back to. TOS is my comfort show and it will never fade from my heart ❤

But for now I’m stuck in cdrama hell and I love it

Tropes: 

Time travel, found family, whump+hurt/comfort, fairytale-like elements, resurrective immortality (thanks to a “Nine Lives” Hobbit fic), CROSSOVERS

I’m a slut for all these things so they often worm their way into my plots haha

I also just- love weird premises. I think that’s the anime influencing me haha

Fic I spent most time on: 

My series he leaves sand and stardust in my wake (main fic is hurricane on the edge of oblivion), I have...spent five years on now. I have done so much research for this fic it’s insane. 

The premise is force ghost!Obi-Wan getting shunted back into his tiny 10 year old self. I incorporate a shit ton of legends and I try to stay as canon as possible. I basically want this au to feel like it’s 1000% plausible while still getting all my gay shit. It’s chock full of whump, redemption, found family, minor characters turning into major characters, and I’ve got slavery uprising on the mind, too. It’s just- everything I could ever want to explore in the Star Wars universe basically. 

It’s my first big project. I started doodling and scribbling ideas in the margins of my notebook in my Scottish History class. I adore it so so so much. But, because of my hyperfixation and fleeting intense obsession with things it makes it- really difficult to consistently update. I leave it for months at a time and I am constantly guilt-ridden about it. Because it’s my baby and I have a lot of wonderful readers. I fear I’ll never be able to finish it. Especially since I’ve written so much and I’m still only in the beginning of it. ( ; A ; )

Also, I’ve spent so much time with Xanatos, Feemor and Bruck that they just feel like mine now. I can’t read any fics that involve them, it’s too strange. Which is a damn shame because I love them so much haha OH ALSO!! I think it’s the first really big fic to include those three?? So I’m very proud about that haha (I’ve had so many ppl comment about how they actually Give A Shit about these three and are Invested bc of me haha)

Favorite fic(s) you’ve written: 

hurricane on the edge of oblivion (with nowhere to go) (Star Wars)

My long-term passion project. My love-letter to Star Wars, I suppose. Reading it now I feel like a lot of it is clunky or long-winded, but I think it really shows the foundation of my writing today :) Main characters are Obi-Wan, Xanatos Du Crion, Qui-Gon Jinn, Bruck Chun and Feemor. Eventually we’ll get to Maul, Savage, Feral, Shmi Skywalker, (more!) Ahsoka, Anakin and a shit ton of clones ❤

things we hunger for (Guardian)

My Ye Zun self-indulgent fic. It’s a time travel amnesia Weilanzun! Honestly has some of my fav writing I’ve ever done. It’s so soft and really indulges in the hurt/comfort. It gives Ye Zun the friends and family I think he deserves. Also, he gets to grow into a (mostly!) functional person and I adore him.

the beast that slumbers within your soul (mdzs)

Jiang Cheng centric fic!! I feel like all my favourite fics I’ve written are love letters haha. This is one def my love letter to Jiang Cheng. This fic possessed me for two whole days. I wrote 16k in almost one sitting. I went to sleep at 6 in the morning bc I couldn’t stop writing. And when I drifted off I kept thinking of new ideas so I’d whip out my phone and write down lines and notes. I- have never ever ever felt that way about anything. It was- insane. It felt insane. It was so amazing. I’m still riding the memory of that high.

 Basically Jiang Cheng actually finds Baoshan Sanren and it turns out she’s a fox demon and Jiang Cheng is descended from wolves. It’s- okay I said the fic above this had my favourite writing?? That was a lie. This has my favourite writing I’ve ever done. It’s unfinished bc I am in dmbj hell but I am still excited about the next chapter which features Wei Wuxian’s pov!!

the whispers of spirits (dmbj)

My current passion project. In a way it kinda feels similar to hurricane? Bc multiple povs, incorporating different aspects of canon (we’ll get there!! I promise!), shit ton of research, etc. etc. I really really really love it for so many reasons. I’m basically taking all the things I was unsatisfied with in Reboot and Sha Hai and running with it. Found family and whump galore! It’s also a love letter to the women of dmbj who really deserve so so so much better.

Honourable mention to:

One Day (you’ll have given more of yourself than is meant to be taken) (Marvel)

This fic also kinda possessed me. I just- couldn’t get rid of the idea of a trans!Thor. And I mean a mtf Thor! It’s just? So many people look at Thor and go “that’s a Real Man.” Full stop. They never think there could be anything more, and it really really really bothered me. So I wrote out my feelings. I’m not trans. I don’t have that experience at all. I’ve had issues and confusion about my gender but nothing like this. I just wanted to do justice to this idea of Thor in my head. And I still feel a bit nervous having posted it. But I've gotten so many comments from people who really connected with what I’ve written? So I’m very very thankful I wrote it and it has a very special place in my heart. It’s a very cathartic fic.

Fic I spent least time on: 

Probably we rise (Star Wars) and I think it shows haha. I wrote it in response to Dave Filoni posting a drawing of Ahsoka and Gandalf telling her “People thought I was dead, too, and look how that turned out...” So I incorporated Ahsoka (and Din and Grogu and Ezra!!!) into the ending of Rise of Skywalker, kinda explaining how I think they could all still be alive. :)

Longest fic: 

hurricane is my longest fic (159k) but I’m kinda worried whispers will eclipse that.....

Shortest fic: 

Of my posted ones it’s The Five Moments it Took Tony and Scott to Admit They Were Best Friends (and the first time they ever did), currently clocks at 1.6k. It’s unfinished tho so maybe that doesn’t count.... otherwise it’s we rise which is completed and 2k.

Most hits/kudos/comments/bookmarks: 

hurricane overall has the most of all these. Though I don’t think hits counts as much bc it’s multi-chapter. If you discount multi-chapter stuff, most hits goes to my obikin smutfic Homecoming, bc people are horny af haha

Fic you want to rewrite/expand on: 

If I had energy I’d like to rewrite the beginning of hurricane bc it feels so so wordy. I’d want to expand on One Day bc I really would like to write a whole series with trans!Thor. And like- I’d really like the focus to finish any of my WIPs.

Share a bit of a WIP: I really wanna share my Guardian/dmbj crossover that I started back in August. Bc I adore the idea of wu xie&shen wei&ye zun triplets! Plus time travel!!! I dunno if I’ll ever finish it tho ( ; A ; ) It just feels like a lot to deal with right now.

This scene takes place during the Mountain Awl arc. Guardian crew and desperado fam run across each other at the village! Wu Xie has recently found out that he’s adopted and he’s searching for answers in the area Sanshu originally found amnesiac!toddler!Wu Xie in :) Gonna pull two snippets bc I’m v excited and this might be the only time anyone else sees this fic haha:

“Oh?” Pangzi focuses on Yunlan now, lips twisting. “You think I’ve ‘got the wrong guy,’ huh?” He laughs, but it’s not a nice sound. “That’s rich! Are you that cocky or are you just stupid?”

Bristling, Yunlan drops his hands and scowls. “Excuse me?”

“Sir,” Shen Wei tries. “I think—”

Pangzi’s eyes snap back to Shen Wei, sharp and blazing. “How dare you fucking steal his face!”

What?

Automatically, Zhao Yunlan turns to Shen Wei, but the professor looks just as shell-shocked as Zhao Yunlan feels which- is seriously something. Since everything about Shen Wei is so carefully controlled, kept to the minimum. Except for those delightful little smiles that bloom across his lovely face, or the startled little bursts of laughter that fall from his lips. Or even when anger and frustration spark across his features, cracking his calm veneer open enough that he can see a glimmer of what lies beneath, the fire in those eyes. Zhao Yunlan delights in those moments, makes a game of making Shen Wei’s control slip.

He tells himself it’s nothing more than a game. Nothing more than trying to find out what makes Shen Wei tick.

Zhao Yunlan’s always been very bad at lying to himself. Or very good. Depending on who you’re asking.

“What the hell are you talking about?” Yunlan splutters.

But before anyone can say anything else, a very familiar voice calls:

“Pangzi? What’s wrong?”

Yunlan can feel Shen Wei stiffen, and Yunlan himself is pulled to that voice like a planet in orbit, like the inevitable plummet to the ground.

Another shadow wavers in the doorway before it steps out onto the dirt. Light illuminates shaggy hair, limning it gold, sharply casting everything else in shadow. But as the figure nears, the contrast softens until Yunlan can see the newcomer’s face properly and- and—

“Wu Xie!” Pangzi growls. “We’ve got ourselves an impostor!”

The man wearing Shen Wei’s face steps up to them, brows furrowed and mouth pulled down into a sharp frown. He glances between them, eyes landing on Shen Wei. His scowl deepens. He opens his mouth, but then—

“Wu Xie?” Shen Wei breathes, all trembly and lost and hopeless.

Heart in his throat, Yunlan turns to Shen Wei again. Turns and flinches at that stricken look upon Shen Wei’s pale pinched face.

“A-Xie?” Shen Wei chokes. “Didi?”

and

Pangzi snorts. “Professor?”

“I-it’s true!”

Startled Yunlan swings his attention over to Jiajia who clenches her backpack to her chest, face screwed up in admirable determination. “P-professor Shen took me and Xiao Quan on a field trip to investigate an archeological site around here!”

“Oh?” Wu Xie drawls all slow and amused. “Well, what a coincidence. We’re archeologists, too.”

“With guns?” Yunlan bites out.

Wu Xie raises a brow, grin full of teeth. “Well, you can never be too prepared.”

“Right,” Yunlan drawls right back. “Are you a professor, too, then? You come here with your students?”

Wu Xie outright grins. “You could say that, I suppose.”

Out of the corner of his eye, one of the men rolls his eyes. He’s the one with sharp features, glasses and looped earbuds. Does he think it’s appropriate to listen to music at a time like this? Yunlan admires the man’s gall.

aahhhh vish thanks so much again for tagging me!! This was so fun to relive my fic memories!! I’m gonna tag @alwaysaslutforshakespeare @jockvillagersonly @tehfanglyfish @lichelleme @undyingsunshine @humanlighthouse  @thewindsofsong I’m curious about your guys’ writing and fandom journey!! As always, no pressure to actually complete this!! I just thought it was fun ❤

Wow if you read all of this I am very humbled and impressed, thank you!!

╰(*´︶`*)╯♡

[purplepalmdelight]

why life is still okay (rambling fic rec pt. 1)

firstly: shout out to @trulyalpha for apparently owning my entire bookmarks page on ao3 (bc i only realised all my favourite fics were written by the same person,,, yesterday. bc im really smart like that) anyway breakdown of why she’s a stoncy saving grace thanks!!!

you ease my mind, you make everything feel fine.

(https://archiveofourown.org/works/13842039)

yes this fic is from 2018. yes i read it every other week. it’s good for the SOUL. jonathan getting taken care of is always just such a good and sweet concept (maybe it’s my intense, undying love of him, but he deserves to be taken care okay) and. okay i’ll admit, sometimes i forget how fucking FUNNY this fic is, but it’s genuinely hilarious, okay? you gotta trust me on this. it makes me cackle at inappropriate times absurdly often. ("Hi." "Hi." "I want you, you fuck." is a top line. i laugh so hard every TIME.) all three of them are so incredibly in character, and somehow this NAILS the fact that they’re all massive disasters pretending to be confident. and i’m not someone that reads ~smut~ often (though it’s more mentioned than described, very non-explicit) but this didn’t make me even the least bit uncomfortable. it felt very natural and in character and made me laugh as much as the rest of the story. all in all, i always come away a little more in love with the characters, and that’s a really precious feeling.

you could be the one to make me feel something

(https://archiveofourown.org/works/14269476/chapters/32912745)

i take back everything i’ve ever claimed. this IS the funniest piece of writing i’ve ever read, and it WILL remain so, probably until the day i die. i honestly... barely have words. my expectations were high when i started it, but in retrospect, they were LEAGUES below what i got. the characterisation, the progression, the dialogue, the story; from the overarching aspects to the tiny details, it’s impeccable. i genuinely read this twice in one day, and then again the next. every single part of it is so good, but in terms of FAVOURITES... the christmas section. hilarious. down to its bones, well crafted and heart felt. it hits me right in the chest every time. the story, from the beginning, has me just as in love with nancy and steve as jonathan is, and as everything grows more intense, so does my investment. it pulls me in and doesn’t let me go until it’s good and ready to see me leave. again, the sexy aspects are so in character and natural that it’s uncomfortable or weird to read and instead just leave me grinning like an idiot. also ( “It did frustrate me, in more ways than one. It’s also a weird plan, like … did you expect me to be so overwhelmed by the power of a boner that I’d just admit my feelings?” is SUCH a funny line, i think about it literally every day. literally. every. day.) the characters are afraid to be messy, to make mistakes, and they all feel so ALIVE that when i leave the story, i feel like i’m leaving a friend. it’s honestly beautiful and honestly breathtaking. this story is better than a lot of published books, honestly, and i’m so grateful for it. so thank you.

i crash my car ‘cause i wanna get carried away!

(https://archiveofourown.org/works/17131202)

...you really wanted to make me cry, huh? i cried out of grief, yeah, out of the depth of nancy’s guilt and the pure rawness of her mourning, but i also cried out of catharsis as she came to terms, and out of laughter a few times. the bit about total eclipse of the heart as a motif was... that was so well done. i hate drawing comparisons, so please understand that this is criticism of a concept and not a particular story, but in so many stories then nancy’s grief feels... trivialised? that’s not quite the right word. romanticised, maybe. as someone who has lost a friend in the past, it’s just... it doesn’t feel realistic? and that’s okay, because it’s hard to nail something you haven’t experienced, and i wouldn’t wish the experience on anyone. it’s just that stories like this, where i can really resonate with nancy and follow the journey of her recovery WITH her are so rare. this story is a gem, it really is. i don’t love it for all the same reasons as the others, but i love it fiercely all the same.

there’s nothing magic going on, and then along came you

(https://archiveofourown.org/works/14994137)

sure, you could be the one is the funniest fic i’ll probably ever read, but nothing magic is such a close second. it’s laugh-out-loud, get-tears-in-your-eyes, fall-out-of-your-chair, and it’s also so goddamn SWEET i can hardly stand it. of the several fics i generally group together in my head (nothing magic, you could be the one + its sequels (might have to make an individual post about this series), laugh until we think we’ll die, and got nothing for you; all very similar, yet incredibly unique) nothing magic is the shortest, but that doesn’t mean it compromises on quality, oh no. it just means i can read it quicker, and therefore more often! when it’s late and i’m tired and i need a laugh to calm down before i sleep, i generally go search this fic up. remember when i mentioned the whole “being just as in love with nancy and steve as jonathan is” thing? it’s like that except... almost funnier. in you could be the one, it’s just that the story naturally tugs you into adoring these two messy, silly, sweet, amazing young adults, because how could you not? how else could you possibly feel? but here, they are genuinely just... that funny. they are actually just so funny that you as a reader click with them and find yourself grinning like an IDIOT because oh my god you’re disasters. maybe it’s the inherent relatability of a tired highschooler trying to make it through the summer and hating his job along the way, but this fic hits right in the heart every damn time.

got nothing for you other than love

(https://archiveofourown.org/works/17596658)

"You trust me," she says.

They both know it's a fact, not question, but he still says, "Of course."

and

By then, his shell wasn't something he could step out of. It was part of him. But that was okay. He didn't need more. What he had was enough.

He always did have trouble with wanting more.

and

"Hey, babe?" Nancy turns her head to look at Steve, touching his shoulder. "Can you buy me a drink?"

"Sure thing. What d'ya want?"

"Surprise me. Not like that time we were here and you snuck out the store, went to a smoothie stand, and came back with a mango smoothie."

Steve grins. "But I did surprise you."

and

"Do you have food in the backseat?"

"The sandwich has only been there for like, two weeks—"

and

"Ugh. Too much cheese. I'm lactose-intolerant, remember?"

"False, you're not intolerant of anyone except people over the age of fifteen with bowl cuts and guys who wear shorts in the winter."

and

"Where are you off to? I'm your only friend," Kali says, frowning.

and

"You good, man?"

"Yeah," he says, his throat dry, "I'm great."

"Yeah, you are," Nancy says, and he is. He is.

and i can’t continue because that’s, like, barely halfway into the fic and i’ve already skipped so many of my favourite lines and i would have to skip so many more. you see what i mean about sathana being funny as hell? and like all the others, it’s not just the humour here. i mean... it is, because it’s SO FUCKING FUNNY I LITERALLY CANNOT SAY THAT ENOUGH but the reason it’s so funny is because it’s so candid. it’s so smooth. the whole thing flows. you’re not left feeling that you’ve missed a piece or that anything was sacrificed; you just feel like you’ve read something incredible. this fic is an experience of its own that i honestly have never experienced before. it’s sweet, and it’s gentle, and it’s just so overwhelmingly good that i don’t think i’ll ever quite get over it. in short? it’s a blessing. my expectations were high, but holy fuck did you blow them to bits.

one more favourite line:

Things are ending, things are starting, and everything looks bright. It won't always be that way. The sun's got to set at some point. But, gazing up at the sky, at the pink bleeding into orange, Jonathan figures it'll have to rise again. No matter what happens, these two things are constant.

"Hey, you look awfully lonely," Nancy calls out, walking towards him, reaching out to him with the hand not in Steve's.

Well. Maybe not just those two things.

that scene, in general, is beautiful, and it wraps the story up on such a genuine note. it feels like a film with how clearly i can picture it. it feels like no fic i’ve ever really read before. it feels... good. i guess i don’t really have the words. it just feels so good.

as an overall statement on why i call her my favourite author... it’s the realism. maybe that’s surprising, considering how many times i said “funny” or “hilarious” in here, but in the end, i wouldn’t be so attached to her work if it didn’t feel so real. i can open a tab and instantly get transported to a home i’ve never lived in. it’s comfortable. it’s sweet. and the dialogue/banter is always perfectly crafted. there’s just never really a downside to her fics, honestly. even if i wanted to search, i don’t think i’d find one. not even one of those “their only problem is that there’s not more to enjoy” kind of comments, because every single one feels perfectly crafted in its own right. it doesn’t need more or less. it stands for itself and it’s goddamn good at it.

i didn’t anticipate having to do multiple parts on this post, but- surprise surprise- i haven’t even gotten to my favourite one yet! so yeah, pt. 2 will be written after i finish the history essay trying to murder me, god knows when that is. in the meantime, please go give her some love and adoration. she deserves it.

[amyscascadingtabs]

i’ll walk through hell with you

chapter 6. i’ll be your arms, i’ll be your steady satellite

read on ao3

read earlier chapters

The Santiago Siblings with families spend a weekend together, Amy’s feeling weird, and Jake’s getting suspicious.

september.

Amy throws out the ovulation tests first. Then, most of the pregnancy tests.

She keeps a few, in case of emergencies, but she hides them so far inside their bathroom cabinet, buried underneath boxes of band-aids and disinfectant wipes, she tells herself it’s the same thing.

 She also throws out the vitamin supplements and the gross herbal teas, and puts the cherished pages of the fertility binder through her paper shredder while Jake shakes his head at her.

“You’re being crazy,” he states when she empties the paper confetti in the trash, immediately tying the bag shut and placing it by the door.

“Nope,” she responds. “I’m finally being sane.”

She stops doing yoga, not that she got into a habit with it in the first place. She goes back to her usual diet and coffee habits. She deletes every fertility-related bookmark off of her computer and unfollows all the Instagram accounts she once tried to find support in. There’s a smidge of panic and hard-hitting grief the first few times she sees a pregnant person somewhere, a harsh pain that comes with knowing for certain she’ll never experience it again, but most of all, Amy feels free. As heartrending as the knowledge is, she’d take it over uncertainty any day of the week.

 Her days of the week are moving quickly, too. It's like the moment she stopped being consumed by this, the rest of her life caught up with her, and now it’s speeding past. Leah starts her first Tiny Tots preschool class, and her parents cry for a good ten minutes after dropping her off the first time because their baby is growing up and it’s all moving too fast. They start doing proper research on allergy-friendly cats and even schedule a visit at a cattery. Work speeds up and she has to work overtime for more days in a row than she's done since having a kid, making her fear their apartment will fall into pieces and her daughter forget who she is, but she comes home each night to dinner on the table and Leah in pajamas begging her to read a bedtime story. She makes sure to thoroughly thank her husband, especially the night when there’s a takeout box with potato pancakes waiting for her, and promises him a proper reward once the weekend rolls around.

“Cool, cool,” he mumbles half-asleep as he makes himself the little spoon in bed. “Also, while we’re on the topic, those potato pancakes definitely weren’t because Leah and I had ice cream for dinner. In case you were thinking that.”

“Jake.”

“Mm. Goodnight, babe.”

 Even without the fertility treatments, her free time between work and family life remains strictly limited, but she does manage to squeeze in something much needed. Every other Thursday night at eight o’clock sharp, Amy finds herself outside the door to Rosa’s apartment, and every night Rosa cuts right to the chase.

“You’re not pregnant?”

“Nope.”

“Not taking any fertility medication?”

“Stopped them all.”

“Take a shot, Santiago.”

She’s decided not to tell more people about her experiences, doesn’t see the point when all she wants is to forget, but every other Thursday night, she vents. Rosa lets her speak, sometimes offering commentary but mostly just nodding, and Amy’s pleasantly surprised to discover it helps.

She’s not alone, and most importantly, she’s going to be okay again.

 ~

 october.

As the end of October arrives, it becomes time for the weekend with all the Santiago siblings and their families renting a cabin upstate. Tony calls it a tradition even though it's the first time they're doing it, but when Amy points this out, he simply shrugs and says it's important to have goals in life.

At first, she's skeptical about it - spending four days in a cabin with fifteen adults, thirteen kids and one dog feels like a polar opposite to the relaxed family time she craves - but it's been forever since she saw them all and she supposes she could use some time away from Brooklyn’s buzzing city life, so they decide to go. She nearly regrets it after three hours in the car with the Frozen-soundtrack on repeat, but then they reach their destination, and all is forgiven when Leah runs to hug all her cousins.

 Friday morning, they arrange a big leaf fight in the yard. At first, it's kids against adults, but as more and more children drop out, it becomes Santiago siblings against partners, and as more and more adults drop out too, eventually it's just Amy and Julian against Jake. The fight lasts until Jake starts complaining about there being leaves in his ear. At that point, Amy's laughing so hard her stomach hurts.

“Loser does all the dishes after lunch,” Julian grins, and Jake looks like he's about to cry.

Amy checks in on him after ten minutes. His shirt is wet from the soapy water and she can see the terror in his eyes as he looks to the mountain of dirty plates, glasses, and cutlery, but he’s scrubbing hard at them one by one with furious determination.

“Need any help, babe?” She sneaks her arms around him from behind, pressing a kiss to his neck and pulling out a small twig that’s still stuck in the back of his hair.

“Desperately,” he groans, wiping his hands on his jeans and facing her. “But I have to prove my strength to your brothers.”

“Actually, I’m pretty sure Julian just wanted a reason to see you in a wet t-shirt.”

“He could have just asked.”

Amy laughs, shaking her head. “I’ll help you out.”

He squints. “Are you sure? You look kind of... tired.”

She raises an eyebrow.

“Not like that,” he says, rolling his eyes. “But you look a little - I don’t know - pale? Did you not have coffee this morning?”

“Yeah, but I didn’t finish it. Creamer tasted weird.” He opens his mouth to say something, but she shuts him up with a glare. “I’m fine. Come on, I’ll help you finish these.”

 -

 They manage to get done right on time for a family walk in the woods. Leah makes it about a quarter of a mile before she starts complaining, so Jake carries her on his shoulders, which results in immediate chaos and tears from David’s twins when they demand the same and David can’t carry them both. Amy helps her brother by carrying Samuel on her shoulders, but the kid must have dog hair on his clothes from playing with Julian's dog, because her nose gets stuffy after only a minute. If it weren’t for the animal being straight-up adorable, or for Leah's excitement when Julian asks her if she wants to hold Oscar’s leash for a minute, Amy swears she would be yelling at this dog, too.

 The stuffy nose lasts for the entire afternoon, and she curses the fact that she forgot her allergy nasal sprays at home. Luckily, she’s surrounded by plenty of good distractions, and the afternoon disappears in a jumble of trying to keep different children from hurting themselves or others while also trying to make sure they’re happy, and if she’s not watching any kids, she’s trying to keep up with what feels like a billion different conversations going on at the same time. It’s enough to make anyone exhausted. She tries to have another cup of coffee, black this time to avoid the probably-bad creamer, but she only gets down a few sips before her throat goes all dry and she has to breathe real hard for the nausea to pass. She pours out the rest in the kitchen sink.

 Despite her tiredness and stuffy nose and sudden coffee aversion, Amy has a lovely day. When afternoon becomes evening, everyone who isn’t cooking dinner makes their way down to the nearby lake to watch the sunset. Leah’s in Jake’s arms with her head on his shoulder, looking all cozy in her purple fluffy hoodie as she sings the lyrics to Moana in the wrong order, and Amy can’t fight the urge to kiss her sweet little face until Leah grimaces and says stop, mama, hiding her face in Jake’s shirt as he laughs.

They’re her favorite sight in the world - the love of her life, and the child who’s held Amy’s whole heart in her hands since the first time she waved to them on an ultrasound screen over three years ago. Jake whispers something to Leah that Amy can’t hear, the girl giggles, and her heart aches with how much she loves them. She may never get the kids-plural family she pictured in her younger days, but she gets this, and it’s better than anything she could have imagined.

 -

When all the kids have gone to bed - save for seven-month-old Charlie, who’s wide awake and happy to get passed around between different pairs of arms - the adults gather in the living room for a chance at uninterrupted conversation and a glass of wine. Amy finds space in the corner of a couch, with Jake on her left and Tony’s wife Clara in an armchair on her right, and gratefully accepts the glass of red wine Lucas gives her. She takes a sip, first enjoying the taste, but the second sip tastes off and the third is awful. She tries to hide her grimace as she puts it down on the side table and asks for a glass of water instead.

 She's not really listening to the conversation, zoning out and just enjoying the comfort of Jake's arm around her shoulders, but Clara nudging her arm gets her attention.

“Do you want to hold Charlie for a while, Amy?”

“I’d love to,” she says, and the next second there's a baby in her arms who's shooting her the brightest of toothless smiles and reaching for her necklace. Charlie’s chubby fingers try to grab the L and J-pendants, so she gently separates his hands from them and he starts playing with a sling of her hair instead.

“Oh, you're strong,” she laughs as he grips it. “Wow.”

“Tell me about it,” Clara laughs. “Sometimes he’s lucky he’s cute.”

Amy smiles. The baby is already snuggling his head into her chest, making himself comfortable. He's truly adorable with round cheeks and light-ginger hair, melting her heart as he grips onto her shirt.

She's missed this. Still, it’s less painful now that she knows - she might never have more babies of her own, but she’ll always have plenty of nephews and nieces to hold, cuddle and play with.

“You're adorable,” she whispers to Charlie with a kiss to his forehead. “Yes, you are.”

“Hey, Amy?” David catches her attention from the opposite couch. “Aren't you guys going to have more kids?”

She can feel Jake freeze next to her.

“We’ve thought of it,” she says calmly. “But we landed on one kid. We’re happy with that.”

Jake squeezes her shoulder.

“Really? Huh.” David nods in surprise. “Don’t you want more kids, Jake?”

“It's not my decision to make,” he shrugs, like it was an obvious fact. “I'm just hoping we can get a cat soon.”

 Charlie falls asleep in Amy's arms, staying there even as people begin to drop out and head to bed. She gives him back to Tony when it’s time for a diaper change, closing her eyes and leaning against Jake's chest once her arms are free again.

“You okay, Ames?”

“Yeah,” she promises. “Just sleepy.”

“You didn't drink anything,” he notes, nodding to her untouched glass.

“Did you try the wine?” He nods. “I hated it. I think Julian has crappy taste in alcohol.”

Jake shrugs. “It tasted fine to me. Maybe your taste buds are being weird.”

“Or I have better taste than you.” She kisses him on the cheek. “Let's go to bed, babe.”

 -

 She’s barely closed her eyes before Leah climbs into their bed, full of energy as she makes space between her parents.

“I wanna go outside and play,” she insists, and when this doesn’t garner enough of a response, she frowns. “It’s morning!”

Amy reluctantly opens her eyes to reach for her phone, reading the time. “Half-past seven.” Weird. They went to bed at one a.m. and Leah’s slept through the night, yet it feels like she was woken up after ten minutes.

“Hey, I have an idea,” says Jake, pulling his daughter close and tickling her neck. “How about we play in here for a while? I have a great idea for something.”

“What?”

“Well, you see, bumblebee, you’re a super brave space pirate. This bed is your spaceship, and mama and I are your innocent, weak humans that you’ve captured.” He yawns. “The rules are that we have to lay still. If we move, we’ll fall out into space and, uh, die.”

“Okay! Dada, still!”

“I love this game,” Amy mumbles, pulling the covers closer around herself.

 The spaceship game lasts a full ten minutes before Leah tires, deciding that her parents are too boring captives for her taste and starting a new game that circles around her trying to jump from the bed onto her mattress in increasingly creative and less-than-safe ways. Jake defuses the situation before she tries to do a backflip, suggesting that they get out of bed and see if any other cousins are up yet, and Amy tries to open her eyes again. It’s painful - her body screams for more sleep, and she channels this into the pleading look she gives Jake.

“Can I get another half hour? I feel like I’m going to collapse if I get up now.”

“Huh.” A line appears between his brows. “Are you sure you’re fine?”

“Yeah,” she yawns. “I just need thirty minutes, like I said.”

“Okay, I’ll wake you up when there’s breakfast - Lee, wait!”

He disappears out the door chasing after their daughter, and Amy sighs in relief as she lets her eyes fall closed again.

It still feels like no time has passed before Jake comes to tell her the thirty minutes are up, but she forces herself to get out of bed anyway. They have a long day ahead of them, and Amy’s not risking getting teased by her brothers for wanting to sleep in. Instead, she throws on a hoodie to hide the fact that she’s freezing, and pours herself a big cup of coffee at the breakfast table. She manages four sips before it threatens to come back up again. Luckily, one-year-old Milo chooses that exact moment to almost choke on his piece of toast, and no one except for Jake seems to notice the gagging expression on her face as she tries to swallow everything back down.

 She must be getting the flu, or maybe she’s picked up some other bug from her daughter. She’s cold, a little dizzy, and the stuffy nose refuses to pass even though she keeps away from the dog. They go to play in the woods while the sun is still shining, and Amy’s enjoying herself as she watches Jake run with Leah in his arms towards a tree, touch her feet against the wood and yell Parkour! only to make the girl lose it with laughter every time, but she’s so tired when they get home, she’s barely sat down in an armchair before she’s nodded off again.

 “Hey, Ames.” Jake’s firm hand on her shoulder makes her return to consciousness. His mouth is set in a hard line, and there’s a seriousness to the way he watches her that reminds her of the way he gets whenever she’s really sick, all worried and overly protective like he thinks she’ll instantly drop to the floor if he’s not right there. “Can we talk in private?.”

She nods, following him back to their bedroom where he closes the door. He sits down cross-legged on Leah's mattress, and she takes her chance to lay down on the bed, propping her head up with two pillows. “Okay. What’s up?”

He gives her a scrutinizing look. “Are you sure you’re just tired?”

“I mean, I feel a little off, I’m sort of dizzy and my allergies are annoying.” She sniffles. “Probably coming down with some bug. Why?”

“Your immune system is way better than mine, though. I’m always the first one to get sick after Leah and I’m fine. I don’t even think she’s been ill in weeks. Isn’t it weird that you’re the only one feeling sick?”

Amy shrugs. “Exception that proves the rule?”

“Yeah, or you’re not sick.”

“What do you mean?”

“Ames,” he says in a low voice, his tone slightly hesitant. “You don’t think there’s a chance you might be - I don’t know, pregnant?”

“Come on. How would that have happened?”

“Uh -”

She rolls her eyes. “Sure, but I think we established my body didn’t want it to happen for us again.”

“Maybe, but face the facts. You’re exhausted, your taste buds are funny, and you were like, seconds away from throwing up your coffee this morning. You’re cold, you’re dizzy…” He counts on his fingers as he lists the symptoms. “It sounds a lot to me like before we found out you were pregnant with Leah?”

“Or it sounds like it's been a couple of intense months, my body's fighting an infection and I’m getting ill once I'm relaxing.”

“Have you gotten your period this month?”

She glares at him. “Stop.”

“Well, have you?”

She sighs and pulls out her phone from her pocket, opening it to her period tracker. Current Cycle - day 33. “It's a few days late.”

Jake’s eyes go wide.

“No.” She shakes her head before he can say anything. “Nope. That doesn't mean anything. My cycle got screwed up after the treatments and they said it could take months to return to normal.”

“Yeah, but…”

“No. Seriously. We both know I’m not pregnant.”

He squints. “We do?”

“Yes. And I can’t let myself think about it, Jake, because if I do…” She bites her lip at the crystal-clear memories of ovulation strips, shots and negative pregnancy tests, of feeling betrayed by her own body time and time again. “I’ll start to go crazy. I just got away from that obsessive headspace. I can’t go there again, I can’t have another negative staring me in the face, I just… can’t.”

He nods slowly, gaze still full of worry as he sits down next to her. “Okay. I just thought I’d ask.” His hands rub soft circles on her neck to ease the tension there, his lips brushing against hers for a few seconds. “Love you.”

“Love you too.” She sighs. “God, I need another nap.”

“I’ll make an excuse for you,” he says, and she swears she’s never been more in love with him in her entire life.

 -

 Jake doesn’t bring it up again, and Amy’s grateful. It's not that she doesn't wish for his suspicions to be true - her falling pregnant naturally would be a miracle - but she can't let herself think about it, let alone hope. She spent a year hoping and it led nowhere. This isn't the first time she's imagined symptoms that turned out to be nothing. If she lets herself have hope another time, only to be faced by cruel disappointment, she's certain she's going to shatter.

The weather changes from gorgeous sunshine to heavy rainfall, effectively locking every present Santiago family member inside of the cabin and creating yet more chaos. Luis and Christian organize a game night for the kids, first consisting of child-friendly memory-games and puzzles, but as more and more kids go to bed, eventually the adults drag out Monopoly and get drunk. They also get insanely competitive. When Simon starts threatening Tony about having him do another challenge for his YouTube channel, and Tony threatens to wrestle Simon right there on the floor, the game is quickly changed to Cards Against Humanity which soon becomes a dangerous game of Never Have I Ever. Amy opts for alcohol-free wine, and it’s probably lucky, because her brothers are ruthless. Never have I ever had a catastrophic double date - drink. Never have I ever made out with someone at work - drink. Never have I ever accidentally startled a man with a genetic heart condition, resulting in his immediate death - drink, remind Julian he’s an asshole, and come up with a good revenge question. She’s relieved they go to bed before anyone can suggest a game of truth or dare.

 The next day, she's feeling much better, and manages almost half a cup of coffee without nausea. She must've been right about it being some kind of infection, she thinks, pleased that it seems to be passing.

The weather isn't improving, so she teams up with a few of her brothers and their families to go to a nearby, kid-friendly, museum while Jake, Julian, and Simon visit a sneaker outlet. Leah finds an activity station and plays there for nearly fifteen minutes with her cousins before breaking down in tears when someone takes a crayon from her, and after it’s been another ten minutes of crying, Amy eventually chalks the child’s sudden fury down to low blood sugar. She ruffles through her bag for a snack and finds an unopened bag of dried mango, and two slices later, Leah is back to normal. Amy also finds an unopened tampon package, giving her a nudging reminder that her period’s still nowhere to be seen, but she shakes away the thought. Had this been a couple of months ago, she would've been rushing to take a test, and she gives herself a mental pat on the back for acting so calm about it now. She knows this means nothing and she's not stressing out. There’s this tingling, cramping, feeling low in her stomach anyway, aching for a moment before immediately fading. Surely that must mean her period is coming.

 They go to bed early on their last night away, ready for the drive home the next day. Leah wakes up crying about a nightmare, so Amy ends up sleeping next to her in their bed with Leah's little legs curled against Amy's stomach and her hand gripping her wrist. As far as sleeping positions go, she could think of far more comfortable or ergonomic ones, but there's no denying the coziness of it. Leah snuggles her nose into the crook of Amy's neck, and Amy falls asleep just smelling her head, and if she’d ever been asked to describe the word peaceful with one situation, she would have chosen this.

 -

 At first, she thinks she's dreaming about a real past event. She's back in the bedroom of their apartment, with Jake sleeping on her right and Leah asleep in her room, but Amy's awake. She can't tell why, isn't fully aware of the narrative here, but she can tell that dream-Amy has an instinct. Something is causing her to get out of bed, walk towards their bathroom and grab a pregnancy test - one of the cheap paper strip ones - from a visible spot in the bathroom cabinet. Something is making her take it. Dream-Amy watches the test, sitting perched on the toilet and staring intently at the first line, and after what feels like the blink of an eye inside of her dream-reality, a second, faint but clear, line shows up.

Even though it's a dream, the explosive happiness is every bit as real as if she'd been awake. She takes the paper strip, wrapping it in a bit of toilet paper, and is about to go ask dream-Jake if he can see it too when she’s pulled out of the dream and back to reality.

“What the hell,” she mumbles as she opens her eyes. Jake and Leah are still sleeping, and it's every bit as dark outside as when they went to bed, but Amy's wide awake and officially weirded out. She's never been one for dream analysis or seeing them as omens of any kind, but something about the realistic feeling has caught her attention, leaving her confused and wondering if there’s any truth to it. She tries to repeat to herself that there isn’t, she isn’t pregnant and should go back to sleep, but her mind is reeling. She tries to do some breathing exercises to force her mind and body back to a relaxed state, but it’s out of reach. The what if-narrative plays on repeat in her head, and eventually, she accepts that she’s going to need to at least outrule the possibility. She’s pretty sure there’s a spare test left somewhere in her bag.

Carefully, she frees herself from the three-year-old’s grip and climbs over Jake instead. He grunts and opens his eyes for a second, but closes them again in the next.

 Amy uses her phone’s flashlight to dig through the contents of her bag, finding her calendar, pencil case, notebooks, and a crossword magazine. Headphones, painkillers, an extra phone charger. More snack bars and packets of dried fruit. Wet wipes, tissues, hair ties, and some makeup. She moves on to the inner pocket, finding allergy medication, tampons, even an expired condom that seems to have nestled its way into the bottom of the bag and stayed there for years, but no spare pregnancy tests. She almost thinks she’s found one, but a closer look tells her it’s an ovulation indicator, and she groans with disappointment. She could have sworn she left one for emergencies, but suddenly it’s gone, and she could wait until tomorrow and buy one, but she wants - scratch that, she needs - to know now.

 “Ames? Are you looking for something?” Jake’s voice is raspy, a mix of surprise and pure confusion in his tone, and she hums vaguely without looking back at him.

“I thought I had something in here,” she says in a whisper. “But I can’t find it. It’s nothing, you can go back to sleep.”

“What’re you tryna find?”

She sighs. “I had a weird dream, okay? So I want to take a pregnancy test, because I just need to know it wasn't real so I can go to sleep. I thought I had one in here, but I don’t, so…”

He yawns, and then, in a movement far swifter than she would expect from someone barely-awake, he gets out of bed and walks over to the plastic bag he brought home from the sneaker outlet.

“Jake, I’m sorry, but I don’t care about your sneakers right now,” she wheezes. He shakes his head and brings out another, smaller CVS plastic bag.

“I know,” he says, “but you might care about this.” He throws her a familiar, pink-and-white carton, and she’s not even caught it before she knows exactly what it is.

“You bought a pregnancy test.”

He nods.

“What - when - why?”

“There was a CVS close to the outlet, I told Julian and Simon I needed to buy some Aspirin, ran in and got this. They didn’t see it,” he assures her, noticing the worry on her face. “I was smooth. And as for why - I know you said you didn’t want to hope, but I thought in case you changed your mind and wanted to know, well... “ He shrugs. “It would suck if you were stuck here with no way of finding out, even if it was just another day. I know how much you hate not knowing.”

She twists the carton in her hands. “I really do hate it.”

“So, are you…”

“I’m going to take it. Now.”

“Now - now?”

“Now.”

 There’s a beat of silence, and then they’re silently racing each other out the door.

 Amy’s so used to the steps at this point, she doesn’t even feel the anxiety kick in until she places the test on the sink and nods at Jake to start the timer. There’s barely space for them both to sit on the floor of the tiny bathroom, so they’re squeezed together, him stroking her hair and holding her hand as she focuses on keeping her breathing steady.

It doesn't matter what it shows, she tries to tell herself without success. It’s just to check.

And yet, there's this odd sense of hope in her heart she doesn't recognize from the last months.

 “How did you guess?” She asks Jake, and he wrinkles his forehead, so she clarifies. “You remembered all the symptoms.”

“Oh.” He blushes. “This is going to sound bad, but… do you remember before we found out you were pregnant with Lee? There was like a week before you took a test, where you kept complaining about how it felt like you were getting the flu, or some kind of infection, because you were feeling off.” He draws quotation marks with his fingers. “You kept repeating that. And I was so proud of myself, because I'm always the first one of us two to get sick, but I was feeling fine. I thought I’d finally get to brag, and I was so excited, but then we found out you weren't sick.”

“Just pregnant.”

“Yeah.” He smiles. “Which, of course, was so much better. Except I never got to brag. It's haunted me since then. So this time, when you said you were feeling off and like you were getting sick… I remembered, and I made a guess. Also, I’ve read the list in your binder. But honestly, it was mostly the first thing.”

Amy laughs, genuine and hearty despite her nervosity. “You're ridiculous.”

He puts his arm around her shoulders. “And yet you keep wanting to have kids with me.”

“It’s like I must be in love with you or something.”

Her comment makes him snicker, and she thinks, not for the first time, that there could never be another person she'd want to do this with - no matter the results on that test.

 The timer rings. Jake turns it off.

“Do you want to check, or should I?”

“I don't think I can see another negative test,” she whispers, the fear making her heart beat out of her chest, and he nods and tells her to close her eyes. She hears him fumble for the test, and then he finds it, and there’s a moment’s silence that drives her crazy.

    “Ames?”

    “Yeah?”

    “What’d you say two lines meant, now again?”

    She opens her eyes, immediately snatching the test from his hands. “No way.”

    It’s faint, but there’s an obvious second line.

Amy just stares at it. She's worried it’ll disappear, like her mind’s playing tricks on her, but it stays.

“This is crazy.” Tears of happiness flood her eyes once she speaks. “This is - this is absolutely insane.”

“Told you so,” says Jake in an attempt of sounding smug, but she can tell he’s about to tear up, too.

“This is positive.”

“Sure is.”

“Oh my god.” She can’t tell if she’s laughing or crying, but she’s shaking, unable to believe her eyes as she looks from the test to Jake and back at the test. “Oh my god, you’re going to brag about this forever.”

He grins. “Consider the fact that I won’t to be a testament to how much I love you.”

She’s too overwhelmed to know what to say, so she just hugs him, smiling into his chest as he peppers kisses to the top of her head.

“Hey, Ames?”

“What?”

“We’re having another baby.”

She’s spent a year wishing for it, getting used to the thought in her desperation to get there, yet his words are impossible to take in. Another baby.

“Seems that way,” she whispers, and he laughs.

 There’s a second test in the carton, and Amy wants to take it right away, but Jake convinces her to save it for tomorrow so they can go back to bed before anyone notices they’ve been occupying this bathroom for a suspicious amount of time.

She doesn’t think she’ll be able to sleep, not when a thousand thoughts are running laps in her head and she’s so in shock she thinks she might still be dreaming, but then Jake’s hand sneaks under the hem of her t-shirt and rests low on her stomach to make sure they're warm, he mumbles, and she places her own hand over his and relaxes.

 ~

  november.

Logically, Amy knows she’s pregnant.

All of the tests, a new one every day even though Jake tells her she’s being crazy again, are coming back two dark lines and plus signs and bolded words Pregnant, and the expensive test with the week indicator which shows how long it’s been since ovulation changes from 1-2 to 2-3 and 3+ Weeks. The fertility clinic gives her a blood test, confirms it’s a healthy pregnancy and schedules an early ultrasound two weeks later, which feels like an eternity. Time is moving excruciatingly slow, even slower when the nausea fully kicks in and she wants to spend as much of the day as possible laying down. She’s secretly happy she’s feeling terrible because that means the hormone levels are rising, and Jake insists on high-fiving her after the first time she throws up, but it does make the days feel even longer when all she wants is for them to pass.

Emotionally, the knowledge is much more difficult to wrap her head around. She’s terrified, analyzing every minuscule shift in her body in fear of there being something wrong and checking for blood in her underwear several times a day. She’s short on distractions, because she’s exhausted and moving too much makes her feel sick, so she’s mostly stuck on the couch after work watching movies and cuddling with Leah. They're not telling her yet - they're not telling anyone, except Rosa who figured it out soon as Amy declined a tequila shot - and Amy feels like a shitty parent who doesn't have the energy to run around and properly play with her kid right now, but Leah seems to get that her mom’s not feeling well, because she's more than happy to read books together and watch iPad until Jake comes home and takes her to the park for a bit.

 She wants to be happy, and every time she adds another positive test to the growing collection, she is, but she’s also dreaming nightmares and waking up in cold sweats in fear that this will be taken away from them. It’s too good to be true, the kind of happy ending you read about but never experience, and she can’t for the life of her try to fathom that it’s real. In short, she’s so hormonal she cries at stubbing her toe in the doorway, so nauseous she has to force down the few things she can consider eating, feeling guilty over how little energy she has to give Leah and how much responsibility this puts on Jake, and she can’t even allow herself to trust that they are having another baby.

 “This isn’t forever,” Jake tells her on a particularly exhausting evening after she's cried in his arms and eaten three lemon popsicles because they're the only thing that tastes remotely good. When she's cried a little more, about her fear and bad conscience and the deep shame in not being able to feel happy about something she's dreamt of for a year, he tells her, “just three more days until the scan,” and that does help.

-

 Amy doesn’t want to exaggerate, but she’s pretty sure the hours between six a.m., when Leah wakes up, and nine a.m., when the ultrasound appointment is, are the longest three hours of her life. Mornings are enough of a struggle to get through with a stubborn three-year-old who’ll put up a fight about anything from clothes to breakfast to brushing her teeth if she’s in the wrong mood, and they’re not made any easier when Amy’s feeling like this, but it’s moving particularly slow today when nearly all of her focus is divided between worrying about the scan and trying to keep her breakfast down. In the end, Leah doesn’t brush her teeth this morning and she has a yogurt smoothie in the car, but they manage to drop her off in time and she gives them a long hug each, so Amy considers it a success.

 Unfortunately, it’s a temporary one. She’s so nervous she can’t think straight, can’t focus on the Taylor Swift-tunes playing in the car or reply when Jake asks if she’s excited. Her head is playing possible nightmare scenarios on a loop, of there not being anything there, of them not seeing a heartbeat, or something else that will leave them no choice but to terminate the pregnancy. Taylor Swift sings something about cloaks and daggers and bright mornings, and Amy tries to see if she can memorize the lyrics for a distraction. She doesn’t get far before they get stuck in a traffic jam, though, giving them no option but to drive a few feet at a time, accelerating and braking on repeat.

 She knows that Jake tries to drive as smoothly as possible. He’s a good driver. She doesn’t have a problem with his driving, but the constant starting and stopping, the inevitable jerking movements, is absolute hell for her morning slash all-day sickness and suddenly all her focus has shifted to trying not to throw up in a moving car.

“I’m really sorry, Ames,” says Jake after casting one glance at her pale complexion, and she doesn’t dare to move her head but she mumbles a ‘not your fault’ before she goes back to taking deep breaths.

 She makes it through the congestion, and the nausea’s easing as they drive the last stretch to the clinic, but then there’s a slight bump as they drive into the parking lot and the fight is lost. She stumbles out of the car in search of a trash can, but it’s too far away. Instead, she has to publicly humiliate herself by throwing up right there on the curb just as another couple is walking out of the clinic and giving her what she assumes are grossed-out looks. She feels Jake’s hands on her shoulders as she coughs up the last bit, grimacing at the foul taste.

“Everyone’s going to think I’m hungover,” she mutters as he leads her to a spot further away, urging her to sit down.

“Oh yeah. That’s definitely what they think about all the women who puke outside of fertility clinics.”

His comment makes her laugh, but the laughter makes her feel sick again, so she stops.

“You okay?” He asks, carefully scratching her neck with one hand as he digs in his messenger bag with the other. “I have water if you want to rinse your mouth, and I’m pretty sure I have gum somewhere.”

“I’ll take water,” she says, accepting the green kid-size bottle that was definitely originally Leah’s and taking a cautious sip. “Sorry about this.”

“You’re sorry?” He lifts an eyebrow. “Damn, queen of unnecessary apologies. It’s okay.”

“I feel like crap,” she groans, ignoring him. “Sorry for whining.” “Okay there, ridiculous. Stop apologizing. It’s not something you can control.”

“But I don’t want to whine about this,” it comes out of her before she can stop it. “I don’t want to be sad, or scared. We fought so damn hard to get here! It fucking sucked! And now - I guess we’re having a baby, but I don’t know how to believe that, and I have to deal with the fact that pregnancy sucks, too!” She shakes her head, instantly regretting the quick movement but continuing to speak anyway. “I just want to be happy, and grateful, and I am. But I’m terrified. I can’t trust that it’s really happening, that it won’t be taken away from us again, and on top of that I feel awful all the time. I just… thought it’d be different.”

 Jake looks a little taken aback by her sudden outburst, opening his mouth before closing it and watching her with that same worried look she’s seen way too much during the last weeks.

“It will be,” he promises once she stops talking. “You’ve done this before. You know it gets better. You get a baby out of it, which - there are worse deals.”

“Yeah. But it feels so far away. It doesn’t feel remotely real. I wanted us to be happy now, to relax and enjoy this, but it feels like everything sucks.”

“Isn’t that just life sometimes, though? It sucks, and then there are awesome parts, and then it sucks again, and then there’s more awesome stuff.” He grimaces, looking down at the curb before meeting her eyes. “I know you feel like crap. I know you’re scared. Honestly, so am I. But we’re about to see our baby for the first time,” he smiles, “and that’s at least one of the crazy awesome parts.”

She nods. “It is.”

“Yeah.” He reaches for her hand, squeezing it. “I just think that… there’s always going to be shitty things, right? Sure, this year was rough, and I wouldn’t want to do it again, but we also had a million amazing moments with Leah, and together, in-between the bad parts. When this baby comes,” he nods to her still-flat stomach, “we probably won’t be sleeping and everything will be nuts for a while before we figure it out, but we’re going to have two kids and it’s going to be the best.”

“I know.”

“I’m going to tell you something I heard from a very smart person once,” he grins, looking proud of himself. “Life is unpredictable, but as long as you’re with the right people, you can handle anything.”

“That person sounds smart. Did they also make a butt joke after that?”

“Sure did. Made me cry, and everything. But what I was actually trying to say was…” Jake blushes, and she can tell there’s a moment of emotional sincerity coming. “I’m with you. I know that. I also know that as long as I’m with you, all the bad stuff is survivable, and all the good stuff is a million times better. And I’d rather have hard days with you, and Lee, and I guess soon whoever this is,” he holds his hand to her stomach through her sweater, “than good days with anyone else.”

“Me too,” she snivels, having to wipe the tears on her shirt sleeve because of course, this is making her cry. “How’d you get so wise all of a sudden?”

“Married you,” he shrugs. “And had kids. Also, I got hella old.”

“You’re forty-two.”

“Exactly. Shh.”

Amy laughs, with tears in her eyes because he’s hitting that perfect spot between wisdom and humor that’s one of the many reasons she loves him so much, and the smile on his lips grows wider once he sees that he’s made her laugh.

“I love you so much,” she whispers, cupping his face with her hands.

“I know. Love you, too.” She kisses him, and he kisses her back for a second before immediately pulling away and scrunching his nose. “Okay, ew, no. Vomity breath. Gross.”

“I thought I wasn’t supposed to apologize,” she teases. “But I’ll take that gum too.”

“Let’s just go inside and look at our baby,” he says as he hands her the packet, and she doesn’t protest.

 There are some routine questions and another blood test, and then they’re ushered into the ultrasound room. She’s nearly holding her breath as she lays down, eyes glued to the screen and Jake’s hand squeezing hers so tight she thinks he might stop the blood flow if he squeezed any harder.

At first, she’s scared she was right and there’s nothing in there, because everything is blurry and she’s not sure what’s what, but then it clears slightly and the ultrasound technician points out a white blob the shape of a lima bean, and there are tears of relief running down her cheeks.

 The technician says and here’s the heartbeat, and Amy has to clasp a hand over her mouth to keep from crying harder than she already is when a whoosh-whoosh-whoosh-whoosh-whoosh sounds through the room in quick little beats.

She could listen to that sound forever.

 They get printed sonogram pictures of their fetus, which is slightly over an inch and just looks like a white blob but is well and truly perfect according to their doctor, and then they’re advised to go home and celebrate. They both have to stop crying first, though, so they stand outside the clinic for another while, just hugging without needing to say anything else.

 “So,” Jake says when Amy’s finally found space to breathe again. “How do you want to celebrate?”

“Do you want to go to Target and look for another shirt that says Big Sister and some stupid cute tiny clothes?”

“Oh, you know I do.”

 They get a long-sleeved pink shirt for Leah, six pairs of baby socks with animals on them and tiny pajamas with rainbow stripes, and then they buy alcohol-free champagne.

 ~

[detective-keen]

Dreamtectives - Marley and Agatha

When : 08/07 Where: Coffee plus What: What happens in coffee plus stay in coffee plus.

Agatha could not repress her laughter when that one ANNOYING kid finally slipped and ending up falling on the floor, crying. His Karenous mother turning around to ask You think this is funny ? had to wait for the woman to finally quiet down her laugh, to get an answer. “Actually, yeah, that’s going to make my day, possibly my week,” she replied with the sweetest smile on her face. She did not know whether or not the badge on her belt was visible right now, and she did not care for it, but she couldn’t help but wonder if this was what kept Karen from replying. Heh, it did not matter. She was gone, bratty kid was gone, and she could now enjoy her coffee quietly. Pulling out a book from her bag, she placed it on her table and flipped it open with the bookmark, resuming the reading she had begun last night. Memories of last night came back to her, but those weren’t from the book, but rather those dreams she was having lately. Usually, she could never remember them, especially not the good, pleasant ones, and it was not that those were awful, or nightmares, but she felt like she was a stranger in her own head, and that was never a good feeling. She closed her book and sighed. Well there goes changing her mind. 

 This week sucked. Flat out. No ifs, ands or buts about it. Marley dragged herself down the street, sunglasses hiding the bags under her eyes and the exhaustion in her face. She needed coffee. Again. This was cup three of the day, but she needed it. She hadn’t been sleeping well, and when she did sleep, she was haunted by the horrors of her own memories. Of that hallway, and the dripping water, and the shadows crawling to get her, and the mournful sounds of all the lives she’d taken, voluntary or not. They haunted her dreams and her mind and her every waking hour and she needed it to stop. She turned to head in and almost ran straight into a very ruffled looking woman, dragging her child along behind her. She shot Marley an angry glance but continued her march and Marley just shrugged, stepping inside. Ordered her quad shot and went to find a place to mingle when she spotted a familiar face. “Keen?” she asked, sauntering over to her table. “Don’t think I’ve ever actually seen you take a real break,” she muttered, sliding into the other chair without even asking if she could. She slumped onto the table. “Must be bad.”

 “Oh come on, you have seen me take breaks.” She paused to think of an example. Part of her wondered if lunch was considered a break in Stryder’s world. Probably not, even though lunch time was almost like going to church for Agatha : sacred. “I don’t have any example, but I’m sure you have seen me take breaks,” she did not protest when her coworker sat on the other side of the table, mostly because she was happy that someone wanted to sit with her at all. It did not really happen a lot. Must be bad. She sighed and leaned back against her chair, straightening herself up. “It’s silly, I just have been having weird dreams, that’s all,” she shook her head before she grabbed the donut on her napkin, taking a piece and stuffing it into her mouth. A frown appeared on her face, her cheeks still full of donut. They had changed their recipe. Either this or this was not the one she had ordered. It tasted great, but it did not taste quite like it usually did. Swallowing her bite in silence, she did not comment about her food and looked at Marley. “You don’t exactly look like you had a great night either, you know?”

 “Lunch at your desk does not count as a break,” Marley muttered back, but Agatha had a point. Marley didn’t take breaks, either. She barely even took days off, let alone month long “mandatory” vacations for psyche leave. She slumped onto the table, arms folded in front of her, chin on them. She hated how tired she felt, and she must’ve looked ten times worse if Agatha was saying something. She perked up slightly at her comment, brow raising. “Weird dreams?” she asked, wanting to push more, to see if Agatha was hearing voices in her head as well-- but Agatha didn’t believe in any of this shit. Talking around that would be difficult. “Yeah, well, I’ve been having some weird ass dreams, too,” she muttered, “and I’ve never drea-- er, I’ve never really had dreams before so it’s a, uh...little jarring, I guess.” Her coffee was called out and Marley dragged herself up to go grab it. Sinking back into the chair across from Agatha. “And they won’t let me back until I get ‘checked out’ by a doctor.”

 “... Touché,” Agatha, her lips pursed in defeat, looked out the window, resting her chin on her palm. Looking at Marley from the corner of her eye, she watched her get all sloppy over the table and while she didn’t feel happy to see her like that, it brought a thin smile to her face. She kinda looked adorable, looking like a sulking child. Did Agatha know best than to tell her this? Yes. Marley was usually quite intimidating and as blunt as Agatha could get, she didn’t feel like this would be a good time for this. “You are the third person to tell me that they don’t dream. I had no idea so many people didn’t remember their dreams at all,” she reached for her coffee cup and watched Marley leave and walk back to her. “I’m sure no doctor will stop you from going back to work if you convince them that you’re fine,” she scratched at the back of her neck. “I mean, I guess. I was never on sick leave since I joined WCPD,” that did not help her case regarding taking breaks, and she found herself grimacing as she quickly figured that out.

 “Must be something in the water here,” Marley muttered as a half-joke, giving a little chuckle. She took a long, large sip of her coffee and wondered again if this is what it tasted like to humans. If Agatha also liked the bitter bite of it. “Sure, of course they won’t. And as much as I love lying to doctors, I don’t think Sarge would appreciate me lying to a doctor,” she muttered, not truly realizing the weight of the admission. It was the first time she’d said it outloud-- she wasn’t okay. She was seeing things during her waking hours, big shadow-y monsters out of the corner of her eye; she was having nightmares of past events and horrifying could-be events; and now she was having all sort of confusing feelings about what had happened between her and Anita and the woman Anita had killed. She looked up at Agatha, reaching up to peel her sunglasses off and hook them on her jacket. “Yeah, me neither. Guess there’s a first time for everything, though, right?” She sat up, trying to pull some fucking self-respect back into herself, shaking her head. “What’re you dreaming about? Do you buy into this whole-- it’s some weird witch-y vibe going around town?”

 “Probably something like that,” she rested her chin on the heel of her palm. With a heavy sigh, she tried to think of something to say to Marley. “I mean, taking some time off sometimes can do wonder to the psyche,” the idea of missing work made Agatha sick in her stomach, but that didn’t mean anything. “When something is troubling to me, I like to focus on work, or literally anything that makes me not think about the problem.” She had done this when her father had died, and she had done this every time she was feeling sad, or hurt. It was her way of coping. Some might have said it was not healthy, but if it worked, who were they to say that ? “Anyway, if you ever need to change your mind, I’m sure I’ll be able to help,” she gave her the kindest smile she had in her. If she was not exactly feeling completely like herself lately, it would take a lot more than worry to take the sun out of her. “I suppose. No need to make a big deal of that. You know, we’ll be glad to see you back at the station in all your grumpy glory,” scoffing, she grabbed her coffee cup. Nice timing, she thought, as Marley asked her what she had been dreaming about. Gave her time to think of what she would say. “Erhh,” she pursed her lips, thoughtful. “Let’s see. So, I heard of a guy who lost his arm lately. Someone at the station was looking for him, and… I don’t know, I keep seeing that fella, and there’s something really off about him. What I don’t understand is, I see the guy’s face, but I shouldn’t, I never saw that guy. That’s impossible. Our brain isn't capable of creating a face we've never seen before and manifesting it in dreams. I don’t get it,” scratching again at the back of her neck, she raised an eyebrow at Marley’s next question. “I mean, the town is weird, alright? I will admit to this. But witches? I mean, as a feminist I love the witch figure, but that doesn’t mean I think they can actually do magic.” 

 Of all the normies at the station, Marley had to admit that Agatha was probably the best of them all. At least she had a sense of humor and she was a good detective. Her looks helped, too. Not that Marley would judge anyone’s competence at their job by their looks, but Agatha was nice on the eyes, and she certainly didn’t have points taken away for that. Tracing the rim of her cup, Marley looked up at her. “I’m not grumpy,” she protested poorly, before tacking on, “all the time…” quietly. She slumped in her chair. “I’ll uh...keep all that in mind, though.” She eyed her curiously as she explained her dreams, and it was immediately apparent to Marley that Agatha was inside someone else’s dreams now. As for who it could be, though, she had no idea. Seeing someone else’s monster in your head, well...Marley wondered what he person on the other end of hers was thinking. It hadn’t occurred to her until just now that someone else was seeing the darkest recesses of her mind. She’d have to look into that later. A finger tapped nervously on the table. “Maybe you saw his face on some files somewhere? I know Sarge had a board in his office at one point.” The one-armed man was a mystery to Marley, but she had bigger things to worry about right now. “Oh, yeah, no, of course not. Magic? Totally not real,” she muttered, and wondered if Agatha would believe the lie. Her exhaustion didn’t let her put more effort into it, so that would do for now. “So do you like the witch figure more as a feminist or a lesbian? Because honestly...it’s both for me.”

 Her chin tilted down, she observed Marley with the kind of look that read Sure Jan. Obviously Marley could not possibly be grumpy 24/7, and Agatha was pretty sure she had seen her smile, once, but her comment still stood. Truth be told, Agatha had for a moment wondered if Marley had not joined the Agatha sucks club because of that look she often had on her face, but having spoken to the woman now a few times, she realized that she had probably been wrong about that, and by that she meant probably as in pretty surely. “Honestly that would be what makes the most sense here,” she took a long sip of her coffee then grabbed another bit of her donut, stuffing it in her mouth. She remained quiet for a short moment, looking lost in her thought. When she spoke again, it was not to talk about herself, however. “You said you were having weird dreams too?” Leaning back into her chair, she brought one leg up, her ankle resting against the opposite thigh. “I mean, it’s real in Vegas,” she replied with a roll of the eyes. There was not much that could have made Agatha believe in magic, but that did not mean she disliked the folklore that went with it. “Huh, I never really asked myself that question,” biting on her lip, she wrinkled her nose, thoughtful again. “I… both? I don’t know. Do I love the figure of emancipation more or the aesthetic…? I’ll say the emancipation bit but just because I want people to think I’m super smart.”

 Marley looked across the table at Agatha. Oh, she really did not wanna get into what her dreams were about with a normie. Even a normie detective. It would probably wind up with her being thrown into another psyche eval. She just let out a long sigh and rubbed her head. “Yep,” she murmured, taking a sip of her coffee. If Agatha didn’t pry, Marley wouldn’t talk. “Just...normal weird stuff. You know, being chased by something, trapped in a room, blah blah.” She rest her chin in her palm and tilted her head, gazing over at Agatha, unable to help herself in her tired state. “Really? You consider Vegas shows real? I feel those are the cheapest of them all.” Stirred the little plastic stopper around in her cup for a second. Gave a short chuckle at that answer. “Pretty sure people already think you’re smart, Keen. It’s part of why they find you intimidating. Trust me, I know.” 

 Agatha’s brows furrowed as Marley started talking about her nightmares. Quite frankly she had been expecting things a lot stranger than your usual bad dreams. She covered her mouth as she yawned, then realizing how poorly this might get interpreted, she felt a rush of blood in her cheeks. “Sorry, I’m tired, not bored,” she blurted, embarrassed with herself. Way to look like an idiot in front of someone she found impressive, intimidating, and at the same time, quite the sight. Needless to say she was glad to be speaking about anything but this. “I... “ She grinned, her chin once again back in her palm. “I mean, is anything in Vegas real? This goes to prove my point regarding magic. It’s fake. Super fake, and I’m really not fond of that,” fakeness, lies. And since she always assumed that most people were never really honest, she had a hard time making friends. Still, she felt like maybe she and Marley could get along. “Well I appreciate tha-” Her cheeks still rosy from earlier, she tilted her head to the side, facetious but mostly curious. “Wait a second, do you find me intimidating? No way. I don’t believe you.”

 Marley couldn’t help but chuckle when Agatha had to quickly explain her yawn was not out of boredom. Not that Marley would have cared either way. “Oh, and here I thought I was just ever so boring. What a blow to my ego that would’ve been. Thank god you don’t find me boring,” she said in her usual monotone, but there was a lilt to her voice that matched the lazy smile on her lips. “The prostitutes are real,” Marley answered, “and so is the gambling addiction rate. And the crime.” She paused. “The magic, though? You got me there. Must be true, then.” Even though she knew it wasn’t. Agatha could continue to live in blissful ignorance. “Me? Find you intimidating? Please, Keen, you’re like an eager little puppy,” she commented, chuckling again as she tossed back the rest of her coffee. “I just mean that-- most other people do, because the idea of a woman in power scares them enough already. Add in the whole-- ‘I don’t care what others think of me’ persona you’ve got going, and it makes it even worse.” Weird dreams or not, Marley was actually enjoying this conversation. It’d been a while since she’d just sat and talked to someone like this. Let alone ever, with Agatha.

 Agatha crossed her arms over her chest, leaning back into her chair, eyebrows raised, unimpressed. “Arh, arh,” still, she smiled back just as thinly. “Yeah, it must be really fun to be a cop in Vegas,” she replied with a grimace. She finished the last bits of her donut, chewing in silence. For a second she wondered if this was going to end up somewhere she didn’t like, but it seemed like Marley did not believe in silly things either. Thank God. “A puppy?” Anyone else would have been offended, but not her. Puppies were too damn cute. “Puppies are cute. You find me cute. Ha!” She tapped her temple with her index as if to imply that this was some sort of genius thinking, then shaking her head in disbelief as she let out a laugh. “Don’t mind me,” clearing her throat she looked back at Marley, this time with a soft look in her eye. “You know, I wouldn’t have thought you’d be good at this, but you are great at compliments. Damn girl, I wish I could frame what you just said because that was awesome.” Even if she kept her chin up at all times, and would never allow anyone to see her down or crying, Agatha really needed to hear words like those sometimes. It was nice, for once, to find someone who made her feel comfortable. Few people had that kind of vibe for Agatha, but Marley unexpectedly did. 

 “It’s probably why they make so many movies about them,” Marley answered, rolling her eyes. She let out another long breath, poking her empty coffee cup. Agatha seemed to take the compliment a little more well than Marley had thought she would, but she wasn’t shy about her views. “I said what I said,” she grinned, before sitting up and grabbing her cup. “Excuse you, I’m very good at giving girl compliments. How do you think I get them to sleep with me so easily? You gotta know what a lady wants. It’s a gift and a curse,” she explained, before scooting from the booth. “C’mon, I’ll buy you another cup for the walk back to the precinct. But only if you swear to never tell anyone that I was nice to you. It would totally ruin my reputation,” she said, furrowing her brow. And, really, why was she being so nice? It wasn’t really like her. Then again, neither was having feelings about someone, or caring about her partner, or adopting a pet. A lot of things had been changing lately, and somewhere deep down, Marley wasn’t sure she disliked it.

 “I wouldn’t know. I try to avoid watching cop movies. I’m pretty sure I haven’t watched one for the past 10 years,” because she got annoyed by details and then could spend quite some time making comments about how this or that was wrong. Not a fun time. Still what Marley said next left her puzzled, and Agatha took a few seconds before she followed her with that same deer in headlights look on her face. “What?! Well now that you’ve said this, I wish you luck, friend.” Not that friends couldn’t have sex, but rather that she wanted to assert that this was how she’d consider Marley now. “Curse, my ass. Though, cosplay really works for getting girls in your bed,” she admitted. Not what she had expected but even out of costume, nerdy girls seemed to really like that. “Guess we both have our secrets,” sticking her hands in her back pockets she shook her head. “Fine, I won’t ruin your reputation, but you better not tell anyone I have hobbies, or that I laughed.” This was silly. But it was nice, being silly. This conversation had really managed to get her to stop thinking about her stupid nightmares for a moment, and for this, she was grateful. And if she had gained a new friend, this was perfect.

[five-wow]

Hi, I'm a fellow writer in the fandom and I admire your work. I wanted to ask, as a popular writer, do you get fixated sometimes on the number of kudos/comments/hits etc that your new work gets, and does this impact your motivation/inspiration? I think comparison is the thief of joy, and I really want to get over this feeling when I post my own work, so was wondering if even popular and regular writers such as yourself feel like this to, and if , what's your secret? Thanks!

Hi! 1) You are so sweet, ahh, and 2) YES, I DO. Gosh, yes, I absolutely do get insecure about those kinds of things, and I think that anyone who says they don't ever feel that way is either lying (to themselves, possibly) or maybe just pure magic, like some cross between a writer and a unicorn.

I love ao3 and I love all of its metrics and I love numbers and statistics, but there’s definitely that shadow side where having all of that easily available makes it deceptively easy to compare your own work to other people’s. I do it all the time! It honestly makes it a little hard for me at times to read h50 fic and fully enjoy it, because I keep... looking at it and wondering how my own stacks up against it, unwillingly. That's not a relaxing experience, and sometimes not even a very fun one. (Another part of it is that I just write SO MUCH for h50 and there is SO MUCH I still want to write, and I don’t want to risk reading something that’s very close to an idea I had and then never being quite sure if what I write after that was influenced by the other person’s work or if it’s really still my idea, because I have this (pretty irrational) fear of accidentally stealing someone else’s work even though one of the really great things about fandom is that it’s a very collaborative process as a whole and being inspired by other people’s stuff is usually totally okay, buuuut that’s a different rambly story.)

And I definitely do also get... some cringey feelings, hardcore, around fics I posted that don't do very well numbers-wise. Sometimes it's expected - fic that doesn't follow traditional formats or doesn't feature Steve/Danny, for example, is always something where I KNOW it won't get as much attention because I know how fandom works and that lessens the sting because it doesn't HAVE to hold up to those other fics that perform way better, because I already know it's not really comparable. The truth is, of course, that most fic is not really comparable to other fic, but it’s easy to fall into that trap anyway. If I post something that seems like my average kind of work and it gets less kudos or comments than usual, I do start to doubt the fic and second-guess myself - is something about this weird? Is it too [insert quality x]? Is it bad? Did I unknowingly do something terrible and people are now avoiding me? The answer to all of those is probably no, and going through it a bunch of times has definitely helped, because what usually happens is that I end up somewhat avoiding the fic in question because it makes me a little ashamed and awkward to think about it (a relative failure! oh no! I'm human!) and then, eventually, I return and reread the fic. By that point I have enough distance from it in time that I can look at it a lot more objectively, and it's way easier to see what works and what does not than when I posted it and I had just read it a dozen times in twenty-four hours and the words were burned into my brain. And upon that reread, inevitably, I realize that, holy shit, it was NOT AS BAD as I had made it out to be in my mind! It’s actually kind of fun! Imagine the ego boost of realizing your most cringy recent work is actually pretty okay, haha, and it's silly, but it's a revelation every time. The quality of a fic is not dictated by how many people read it or comment on it or like it, and intellectually I absolutely know that, but it’s hard to remember when it’s about yourself and you’re still in that emotionally vulnerable place of having just shared your work with the world and it feels like the world is not as into it as you thought (or hoped) it’d be. It’s honestly very, very reassuring to have those experiences to fall back on, but sadly the only way I know to get there is to just tough it out and feel super awkward for a while.

When I’m writing, on the other hand, I usually don’t really think about what other people might think of it. I have the advantage that (pretty much) all of my work consists of fairly short stand alone stories, which means I don’t have to struggle with keeping my motivation up for a second chapter of something but I get to start fresh every time, and that’s nice, because I can just lose myself in the joy of throwing words around and making characters do things that make me giggle. That’s not to say I never think of the outside world while writing - I realized, pretty recently, that I occasionally end up constructing paragraphs or pieces of dialogue a certain way mostly so it will make for a good excerpt to put in the eventual fic description, which might give me a sense of accomplishment because it’s nice when things work out and look good, but in all fairness it’s probably far more motivated by attempts to package the finished work attractively so other people will want to click on it than by anything else. I don’t know if that’s a bad thing. I don’t think so - I don’t feel like it lessens my work and it doesn’t interrupt my enjoyment of it in the moment, which are the key elements for me - but other people might disagree.

But the heart of thing is, just, there are SO MANY factors that influence a fic’s numbers, and not all of them are visible (I’d argue most of them aren’t, in fact), and it always helps me to keep that in mind. It puts things in perspective somewhat and softens the harshness of a black and white kudo count judgment. Numbers can depend on when you post a fic (what day of the week, time of the year, time relative to big fandom moments, whether you’re in the middle of a global pandemic or not), how you pick your title, what you put in the description, how you use the tags, what genres or tropes are popular in your specific fandom, the genre of your fic in general (pwp as a rule tends to get lots of hits and few kudos or comments, for example, making it totally unfair to compare it to G-reated fluff fic with super different ratios), how much you’ve posted before (because if someone likes one of your works, they’re often likely to check if you have more in the same fandom), how many fics other people post around the same time (because yours might be gone from the first page of most recently updated works in a fandom or ship tag very quickly if others push it out), how big your fandom is(!!!) (over two thirds of my works on ao3 are for h50, but h50 only makes it into the top 10 of my most kudo’d works by the skin of its teeth) and definitely also what your fandom’s culture is like (compared to a lot of other fandoms, h50 fans are a-ma-zing when it comes to leaving comments, my gosh, and as a writer I adore all of you), how old your ao3 account is (the longer you’ve been around, the more likely a higher number of people is subscribed to you as an author or has read your previous work or has encountered your name, etc), how long your fic is (under a thousand words in my experience generally does less well than 1-5k, but longer fics might end up with lots of chapters which switches things up because people come back to it when there’s an update, and even if a long work is all in one chapter it will probably stand out for the wordcount and might attract attention that way, etc), whether or not your fic is part of a series (in my experience it will probably get more hits because it’s a chain of fics that leads you to the next one, but the kudos might not go up at the same rate because people might forget a kudo or reread previous works when a new one is added), whether you make a habit of commenting on other people’s fic (I’ve had comments saying MY comment on their work led them to my fic!), if you have social media like Tumblr or Twitter where you can promote your work (it’s advertising, basically), and any of a bunch of random little other factors. Sometimes, I see a sudden little cluster of kudos on an old fic in the daily ao3 kudos email, and I assume someone somewhere maybe recced that fic, but it usually remains a total mystery who or where or even if it happened at all and wasn’t just a weird coincidence to begin with. Sometimes the thing a fic’s popularity depends on is really just whether it clicks with people at that point in time, whatever that means, which is an even more impossible thing to grasp or predict than anything else.

Or you can look at things from a totally different angle and not try to make yourself care less about numbers, but just accept that you do because you’re human and we all crave validation, and instead try to roll with that. A brain hack: when I do start getting down about numbers, it also helps me to focus on one work and just... try to visualise what those kudo (or hit or bookmark or comment) counts mean, if you were to translate them to the real world. While it can be super helpful to remember that there’s a LOT going on that you can’t see and that’s virtually impossible to really explain, it’s also nice to somewhat do the opposite and try to make things as concrete as possible instead. I like measuring in school classes (~25-30 heads, I’d say) and “my fic only has fifty kudos but this other person’s has ten times as many” could easily make anyone sad and demotivated, but “my fic has fifty kudos and that’s TWO WHOLE CLASSROOMS packed full of people that all read my work and liked it so much they wanted to give me a little thumbs up for it” is actually pretty cool and encouraging, I think. Or you could measure in sports teams (I don’t know sports, but soccer has 11 players on the field per team, so as soon as your fic has 33 kudos that’s three teams which means you’ve got yourself a little beginning league! how exciting!) or in DnD campaigns (variable of course, but most of mine have had around four players plus a DM, so if you have twenty kudos? that’s FOUR WHOLE DnD campaigns that enjoyed reading your fic, and it’s fully up to you how many half-orcs that includes). You could apply this method using literally any other measurement that works for you, too. If you have a hard time painting a mental image of numbers, you could even open up a Paint doc or get a piece of paper and start counting out little dots or copy-pasted images of a person, or get a big bag of physically present M&Ms and count them out, or take a good look at your dog and then go around the neighborhood and collect forty-nine more dogs and pile them all into your home and be slightly frightened by the utter delighted fluffy chaos that ensues in your living room. That’s how many people liked your fic! That’s a heck of a lot of wagging tails! Who knew a kudo could bark this loudly!

Disclaimer: maybe keep the dog thing as your very last resort, because your neighbors might not be super into their pet getting dognapped for the purpose of visualizing fanfiction stats. The point is really just to remember that there’s an actual person behind every kudo you get, no matter what the cumulative number is, and even if you have seven or five or three kudos, that’s seven or five or three very real people that hit that button. That’s pretty damn awesome. Also keep in mind how you feel if you read a fic, and take some time to realize that every single person that left you a kudo went through that same process of spending time reading words (the words you wrote!) and experiencing that story and THAT’S why they left that kudo. It’s a real person’s real investment.

This ended up very long and rambly, so tl;dr: You are in no way alone in feeling that way, it's okay and normal and so very very human to feel like that, but you still shouldn't let it get you down, because numbers fake being meaningful very well but are deep down just little squiggles on your screen and they’re more scared of you than you are of them, while at the same time there are real individuals that enjoy your work even if you usually never see them. Your fic is worth posting. That’s the one factor in all of this that’s a constant, not a variable.

(And as a very important sidenote, just be kind to yourself, always. Does it truly stress you out? Are you feeling really bad about it today? Does it make your anxiety spike? Then give yourself room to take a little step back and allow yourself some time away from it. Go watch something you enjoy, or read something nice, or do something else that makes you feel good. Fic is something that should add to your life, not subtract from it. You don’t owe anyone anything, not even yourself in this context, and I used to push myself occasionally to get something finished TODAY, and eventually I started realizing, well, why? Why not instead of reading it over again just get some sleep or watch an episode of something I want to watch, especially if I literally just finished the fic and I feel a little unsure about it and it might actually be beneficial to me and my own feelings about it if I just give it a day or even a week and let it rest and then look at it again and THEN post it, if I want to, whether that’s with some changes beforehand or not? Who set me that deadline that’s apparently looming over me? I did, and it’s fake, and it’s there for absolutely no good reason. Breathe. Put yourself first. Be really really really selfish about your own fic writing experience, even, because it’s supposed to be something you enjoy (that’s what a hobby is!), and the rest is secondary.)

[what-stop-the-presses-rly-means]

@rosesandashs-blog Sorry the Tumblr app is stupid and deleted your request. Thank god I had a screenshot of it. Anyway, here you go!

BMC:

I ship you with Christine!

The first thing she would notice is your style. The weirder the better. She's always trying out new looks and they can sometimes be loud and colorful, so she appreciates the way you dress

Then when she tries to get to know you she sees how cute you are, being all shy and polite. At first she was just curious and drawn to you, now she's attached. You're too adorable to pass up

She loves your hair because of reminds her of the hairstyles everyone had when she was younger. Her parents were pretty strict and didn't let her do her hair that way out of fear of her becoming a 'rebel child' so she admires the fact that you get to express yourself in any way you want

Don't worry about being too loud or annoying around her. She'll be just as rambunctious, singing at the top of her lungs and making weird noises. Careful, though, if you're both a little too loud in public you might get kicked out of wherever you are. (This has happened on more than one occasion and you both just shrug and laugh)

She is also a hopeless romantic! She's always reciting poetry to you and quoting Shakespeare at random moments. She'll dedicate every performance, big or small, to you and blow kisses at curtain call

She loves to grab your hand and slow dance no matter where you are: in the grocery aisle, waiting in line to see a movie, while getting ready in the morning. Anywhere.

Sometimes her ideal date is a trip to the library or a local bookstore. And once you both find books, you'll sit down to read and she'll just reach over and hold your hand. (You know that scene in Up where Ellie holds Carl's hand while they're reading? Just like that. Cute!)

You may have to explain some of your jokes to her, seeing as she's kinda naive at times, but once she catches on, she can't help but laugh. After awhile she starts adapting your type of humor and you can't help but think that you've corrupted her 😂

DEH:

I ship you with Connor!

At first, he would kinda roll his eyes at your emo hair and weird clothes, thinking you're trying to be someone you're not. But once he actually meets you and sees your electric personality up close, his opinion changed drastically

You guys bond over not being popular and how people judge you over little things like your appearance. He admits that he did the same thing to you at first and that he's kind of ashamed because that's how people react to him. They think he's just some emo loner freak. But you saw past that and gave him a chance, and he's grateful for that

It's cliché, but after knowing you for a while he starts to get the, "Where has this girl been all my life?" feeling. Because you guys have so much in common and you're so nice to him, which he definitely isn't used to

Also, you've helped him in ways he could never imagine. When he found out you're pansexual he had a few questions and was very curious about it. Then one day he comes to you and quietly says, "I think I'm pansexual." voice shaking and everything. Of course you're very excepting and he gets all teary-eyed and thanks you for opening his eyes

You guys have like a mini cook club between the two of you. You're constantly reading the same books or recommending new ones to each other. It's not uncommon to get a text at 1 am from Connor, in all caps, freaking out about the latest book you recommended. "YOU DIDN'T TELL ME SHE DIES IN THE END!!!"

Sometimes your energy is a bit much for him and he can't match it, but he always finds it amusing. Whenever you get excited and get a bit loud he just smiles because it's nice to see you so happy and expressive

Though he does have a pretty dark sense of humor so he can definitely keep up with whatevet types of jokes you make and dishes them right back

He's not great at conveying his emotions but he tries for you. He knows you like romance so he tries to be romantic in the little things he does: bookmarking poems that remind him of you, leaving sweet little notes in your bag, or holding your hand in public even though it might make him look "weak"

Thanks! 😘

[the-softest-puffball]

Stuck In My Head

I meant to post this awhile ago... whoops

This is basically a soulmate au where the songs your soulmate is singing are stuck in your head

Also happy second anniversary Sanders Sides! I’ve only been in this fandom for a few months but I absolutely adore the show and just all of it! 

Pairing: Royality

Warnings: None, I think

Word Count: 1388

----------

Patton hummed a familiar tune as he walked out into the main living space of his dorm. He twirled to the beat in his head as a large smile graced his features.

Today was already a pleasant day. He had woken up naturally with sunlight filtering through the blinds on his window, and the birds were singing a beautiful song. His cat onesie kept him cozy and warm and he got to sleep in for a couple minutes, as it was a Saturday.

And, of course, he had awakened to a Disney song stuck in his head.

He imagined his soulmate, singing early in the morning, with most likely the voice of an angel. He sighed dreamily before realizing he wasn’t the only one in the room.

“Oh! Sorry, I didn’t notice you there, Virge!” Patton exclaimed when he noticed his roomate, Virgil, sitting on the couch, a cup of coffee held in his hand. “Good morning!”

“Mornin’,” Virgil mumbled tiredly, giving a small wave before continuing to watch the TV show that was playing in front of him. Patton was about to sit next to him when he felt his phone buzz in his pocket, him pulling it out to check it.

Roman: i’m going to ihop for breakfast, wanna come? i want to tell you all about the AMAZING new role i have!!!!!!

Patton: Haha, sure! Meet in 30?

Roman: of course, see you there!!!!!!

Patton smiled even wider, somehow, Virgil looking at him with a raised eyebrow.

“Did Roman text you?” Virgil asked. Patton nodded. “What’d he say?”

“He asked if I would like to join him for breakfast at IHOP! So, I’m heading there in 30 minutes, because of course I said yes!” Patton replied.

“So, basically your crush asked you out on a breakfast date?” Virgil said slyly, Patton blushing.

“What, no! It’s just a friend hangout, and besides, he is definitely not my soulmate, so I shouldn’t have such a huge crush on him!” Patton said while slipping on a pastel blue sweater over top his shirt.

“You don’t even know who your soulmate is, so he could be,” Virgil said, putting his empty coffee cup on the end table next to him.

“No way, Roman couldn’t be mine! Why would fate put us together?”

“I dunno, but it still could be possible. Now, go get to your breakfast date.” Virgil pulled out his phone and started to scroll through Tumblr.

“It’s not a date!”

“Sure it is.”

“Alright, see you later, kiddo!” Patton slipped the last of his boots on before waving goodbye and leaving, Virgil rolling his eyes as he did so.  

Patton walked down the hall of the dormitory, him skipping with delight. Now he had a song stuck in his head that he heard once before, when he went to Roman’s musical practice, but he somehow knew all of the lyrics.

It was weird how many of the songs overlapped with Roman’s personality and the things he enjoyed, but Patton never thought much of it before.

Virgil’s comment about Roman possibly being his soulmate though had made him thinking. What if Roman was his soulmate?

Patton shook his head. No, that was ridiculous. The most wonderful, handsome, courageous man he had ever seen could not have been possibly chosen for him.

Then again, Roman sang a lot, and Patton always had a song stuck in his head. The songs were all Disney or musical songs as well, and Roman loved theater and Disney. So, maybe…

Patton’s train of thought had been interrupted when he heard the transit bus in the distance, him starting to run. He managed to just barely make it to the bus stop before it left.

He quickly got on and sat down, recognizing the person next to him.      

“Hey Logan!” Patton said, startling Logan from his reading.

“Oh, good morning, Patton,” He replied, putting his bookmark into his book and closing it.

“Whatcha doing on the bus this early?” Patton asked.

“I am going to my job, of course. I must make money somehow.” Logan checked his watch as he spoke, sighing when he read the time.

“Don’t you need breakfast?”

“I already had breakfast this morning with Virgil, he was surprisingly up and in the cafeteria when I had entered, so I thought I might as well give him some company before he inevitably locks himself in your dorm.”

“Aww, that’s cute!”

“It was just an act of friendship is all.”

“I’m heading to IHOP to have breakfast with Roman!” Patton clapped his hands together excitedly.

“Ah, well, good luck on your little… gathering.” Logan continued to read, a small smug smile he made when he knew something someone else didn’t. Patton shrugged it off.

He was bouncing with excitement, a large grin on his face. The bus reached the next bus stop, some people getting off with Patton. Patton walked the few blocks he needed to get to IHOP, seeing Roman already waiting outside.

“There you are! I feel like I’ve been waiting here forever!” Roman exclaimed once he noticed Patton, Patton running up to him.

“Well, I’m here now!” Patton said, Roman laughing before leading them inside.

They entered and ordered, both taking a seat after. Roman talked about his new role, Patton watching and nodding along.

The food was ready, so Roman grabbed them from the counter and brought them back. They were apparently more hungry than they thought, and half of their meals were gone in about 5 minutes.

“This is delicious!” Patton said after finishing his second pancake, Roman nodding.

“Even though we are poor college kids!” Roman joked, them both laughing. “Though one day my acting career will make me have so many riches!”

“I am sure that will happen, Roman! You are very talented!” Patton complimented, Roman doing a small bow.

“Why of course, I do have a wondrous voice, if I say so myself.” Roman had a confident grin, holding his hand to his chest and puffing his chest out a bit. He then proceeded to sing a bit of the solo he had for the play.

Patton gasped. The same part Roman sang was now stuck in his head.

“Wait, sing again,” Patton urged, him finally noticing these small details.

Roman sang again, Patton dropping his fork in surprise. It clattered against his plate, him covering his mouth with both of his hands to quiet the large gasp that escaped him.

“What is it?” Roman looked concerned now, Patton eyes widening.

“You’re-you-you’re my soulmate,” He managed to squeak out. Roman looked shocked.

“Sing something,” Roman asked, Patton singing a quiet nursery rhyme, as it was the first thing that came to his mind. Roman then started to laugh.

“Logan was right, I am completely oblivious!” He spoke in between his wheezes. Patton then started to laugh as well. “I can’t believe after 4 years we didn’t know!”

They laughed until Patton realized something. His crush of 2 years was his soulmate the entire time. He began to blush bright red, squealing as he did so.

“Patton, you good?” Roman asked.

“I’vejusthadthishugecrushonyoufor2yearsandican’tevenbelieveyouaractuallymysoulmate,” Patton spoke quickly as he hid his face in his hands, almost two fast for Roman to understand. Roman then laughed again, even louder this time.

“Patton, I’ve had a crush on you ever since I first met you,” Roman explained after getting his laughter out, looking at Patton with a smile. Patton slowly looked back up at him.

“Really?” He asked, Roman nodding. Patton squeaked, covering his face again.

“Well, I’m finished with my breakfast, do you wanna walk around town for a bit? I found this arcade that was amazing the last time I went there, but it would be more amazing with you,” Roman asked with a sly wink, Patton blushing even more.

“Well, yeah, of course!” Patton answered, standing up with his plate. They put them in the tray holder on the way out, Patton waving goodbye to the employees.

They got outside, Roman smiling before taking Patton’s hand.

“I’m glad my soulmate was you,” He said, Patton nodding.

“I’m glad it was too.”

Roman’s eyes then twinkled with excitement, beginning to lead them to the arcade.

So, maybe Patton was a bit unaware, but that right now didn’t matter, for it was all worth it for this moment.

------------

Hope you enjoyed!

[riskeith]

hi <3

tbh best hp is fic hp fuck jkr <3 if you do check it out just be prepared that it’s super filthy sjdkdhdk. i’m gonna check out running on air and to hurt and to heal, absolutely! both sound super angsty which is yummy imo.

you don’t read fics of the parings/fandoms you like? may i ask why not? also yeah i’d love some kagehina/iwaoi fics, whatever you have is fine <3

omg where should we take razor.... i feel like he’s enjoy mountain views and all the animals in liyue so maybe jueyun karst 🥺 that area is so pretty..

i do know some couples hehe, some didn’t stick but my friend started dating her husband when she was twelve and they’re married now. i think it’s super adorable i’m a sucker for the childhood friends to lovers trope. do you like it? also what’s your favorite “to friends” trope if you had to rank them?

omg... yeah thankfully they’re still updating the game i mean we only have two of the seven worlds unlocked right? the anemo and geo worlds? i imagine the updates will keep on coming for a long, long time. also i’ve been meaning to ask you: have you finished the main story yet? i’ve been curious about when it finishes and if it ever does.

more than 8... so you’re telling me there’s so much cluna content out there that i’m not experiencing? feeling distraught. feeling like an unfinished puzzle piece.

fairy floss sounds so adorable.... 🥺 why is aus the best place ever? and it’s a bit too sweet but i can’t get over the nostalgia so i do kind of like it? it makes me feel like a child eating it hehe. omg bleaching it? do you plan on going blonde? 😳

iwaoi has ^ those childhood friends to lovers except it’s angsty vibes that just hit different. i’m just a sucker for mutual angsty pining dude it’s crazy. have you heard the song driver’s license? i really wanna write something iwaoi based on that song bc i feel like it fits them so well.... with a happy ending ofc i can’t leave my babies feeling sad. thank you, i hope you find the motivation to start working on something soon too!! you never know when motivation strikes babe.. in the meanwhile i’m just gonna be https://archiveofourown.org/users/czqy shsjshsjdj. dude it’s because it’s oikawa and he wants the best for himself. it was probably him that possessed you if we’re being honest. 👑

YOU DO? i can’t come up with anything so it’s gonna be a surprise for me. and tbh i don’t wanna figure it out either so it can be a cute surprise. now this will definitely motivate me to rise up the ranks asap. also i need to spin for the boy as well... hopefully i’ll get him haha. thinking about me before falling asleep, are you? 😏

hope your weekend has been going great for far, you deserve the world babe. ♥️

hi hi!!

FUCK JKR!!!!!!!!!! 🗣🗣🗣 fhsksd note taken! omggg pls lmk what you think when you do!! they’re my top 2 fave drarry fics <33333

honestly i wish i could tell you 😭😭😭😭😭😭 i think it’s bc im so involved in it that i just.... don’t have any desire to read anything? like “i could just write x pairing/fandom, why should i go seek out content” but idkkkkk my friend has a theory that it’s bc i have a clear cut idea of who these characters are and what they’re like so it’s weird to read someone else’s interpretation? it’s something im trynna work on tho... lmao

okieee kagehina:  where the night goes // well, maybe i’m a crook // room to grow (not really angst but the vibes are so mellow and nice) // hum (not a lot of angst but this is one of my faves. also esselle is the kagehina/hq queen!!! all her stuff is so so so good.)

iwaoi: things that change, things that stay the same // In April //  the yellow room

also if i could offer your this oikage fic....  the more things change (i cry reading this every time....) 

i don’t bookmark fics so it’s hard for me to find stuff again fhskdjfshd but hopefully those are alright!!

yesss let’s take him to liyue <3333 omg do you think he would like to play in the water 😩😩

omgggggggg they started dating when they were TWELVE?? that’s so cute 😭😭 i wish them all the happiness!! im only in touch with like 1 person i’ve known since i was 12 AHAHAH. i love childhood friends to lovers!! there’s just so much history there you know? such like a strong iron-clad bond... and to you mean “to lovers” trope? either way, hm. i think i might like enemies to lovers the most? (are we surprised) like that tension... coming together when no one expects it, not even them.... but yet their love is so strong.. .FSDJFHKSDF is childhood friends to lovers your fave?

yep!! only 2 ikr like how long am i gonna have to continue playing this game how many new characters will we get FHDKFSHDFS. people think inazuma (electro) is next!! it’s based on japan which is exciting.. omg wait what if it’s kinda like cyberpunk futuristic vibes.. ahaha. and i have finished all the main story quests that are out rn! i think the last one happens ~AR 35? 

fhsdkfhsdfs HAHAHA nah dw all my blogs are now inactive so you’re not missing anything 🤪 you got all my focus and attention here bb

oooo yes the nostalgia... wow now that we’re talking about it i haven’t had fairy floss in so long jfhsdjksd. and yes i want to go blonde so bad 😭😭😭😭 i wanted to do kenma hair but i shaved my head last year and i want to shave it again and dye it blonde........ 😩

yeah actually i feel like so many people interpret iwaoi childhood friends to lovers angsty for some reason? like i’ve never really seen any that was just them happily and naturally going into a relationship there’s always like miscommunication and pain fhdskfskjfsd. not that i’m complaining! lol. and i actually heard driver’s licence for the first time a few days ago!! i remember it clearly bc i thought the title was funny FHDSKJFHSKDFSD. but omg the angst....... whose POV would you have it be from? oikawa’s? i feel like people make him Hurt a lot... which is big mood hfsdfkjs. (semi related... do you have your licence? LMAO) also do you know memo by years & years? i have an iwaoi wip based on that song!! 

wait what does “in the meanwhile i’m just gonna be https://archiveofourown.org/users/czqy shsjshsjdj.” mean sorry i dont get it 😭😭 (also it took me a moment to register that url went to me AHHAHA i was like 😳)

I FREAKING HOPE OIKAWA POSSESSED ME!!! FEEL FREE TO COME BACK ANYTIME SIR 🙇‍♀️🙏

hehhe trust me it’s like THE best possible spot <33333 im extremely excited to take you there 😉😏 xingqiu come home for m.a. again!!! and what can i say, i’m looking forward to the date ;p

thank u! it’s made better by you 😍💘 hope your day is going well!! xx

[warning-fandom-obsessed]

Time In a Bottle - Quicksilver x Mutant!Reader

A/N: This was requested by a nonnie and I’m really sorry that it has taken me so long to write but my family decided that we were going to take another, surprise holiday so for the past few days I haven't had my laptop or any wifi. I have suffered greatly. Anyway, I’m sorry it took so long! Enjoy!

Warnings: language, teasing (THE FLUFFY KIND NOT THE SEXY KIND, GET YOUR MINDS OUT OF THE GUTTER!)

Words: 1533

I think you’re going to like it here Ms Y/L/N. Would you like me to show you around or would you rather go by yourself?” Charles Xavier asked you. You smiled at him lightly and said, “I think I’ll have a look round by myself,” before wandering off, through a door and into the vast expanse of outside area that the mansion had to offer. There were children and teenagers of all ages running around playing or talking to their friends. You strolled towards a tree that offered some shade from the intense sun light cascading down, leant casually against it, pulled out your book from your bag and began reading from where you had left off.

Peter’s POV

I was just speeding around, minding my own business, when BAM. I see the most beautiful girl that I have probably ever seen and possibly ever will. I just stared at her, it’s kind of creepy when you think about it, I would have stared at her forever had I not felt a light vibrating sensation on my lower right arm. It was my timer. Having a timer in your wrist telling you the exact time when you're going to meet your soulmate is all fine and dandy, but when it’s sitting there, vibrating constantly, the numbers flicking between one and zero, it’s not only pretty distracting but also pretty fucking confusing. I looked back up to where she had been sitting but she had just disappeared. Not the kind of disappearing like she had just stood up and walked away, mind you, no, the kind of disappearing where it makes you question your sanity. People don’t just vanish into thin air like that! Even Kurt has the courtesy to leave a cloud of blue smoke when he teleports! I was only looking away for a couple of seconds! How?! I sped towards the tree that she had been lounging under and found a particularly dog-eared book sitting there on the slightly squashed grass, carefully left bookmarking a page. The book was Y/F/B. Huh, I hadn’t read that in years, maybe I could just sit there and read it and wait for her to get back. In retrospect that does sound undeniably creepy, I’m just sitting in a shady area, under a tree, reading a book because a pretty girl who may or may not be my soulmate just was. 

Y/N’s POV

As I leant against that tree, basking in the sunshine of the summer months, I realised pretty quickly that I did not think my plan through, as evidenced by my throat which was quickly drying out. So, without thinking, I used my powers and watched the world as everything surrounding me froze, it was as if I had just paused the universe. I stood up and ambled towards the house and into where Professor Xavier had told me the kitchen was. One of the petty downsides of my powers is that if I want to do something like, I don’t know, grab a glass of water, I have to unfreeze everything and then let the water fill up the glass. It’s a minor grievance, I know, but on a hot summer’s day, knowing my luck my reading spot in the shade will have almost certainly have been taken by someone else. And, surely enough, as I glanced out of the window above the sink and down onto the grounds below, I saw that some guy in a leather jacket had taken up reading a book in my spot. Suddenly, it felt as though I had pins and needles in my lower right arm and when I looked down to see the cause of the problem I saw the final digits of my own, personal soulmate-timer flicking between 1 and 0. I thought back to when my grandmother would tell me stories about what my timer means and what everything means and remembered her telling me about certain situations when timers can get stuck. What seemed to be happening to me was that I had seen my soulmate and been so close to where we were destined to meet, and not have met them, that my timer had gotten confused. Well, there was no point trying to avoid interacting with him, it was bound to happen eventually anyway so we might as well do it. Also, I left my book down there and I was at a really good part so...

Peter’s POV 

I had forgotten how good this book actually was and was so, completely engrossed in it that I didn’t hear the footsteps coming from behind me. It was only until I heard a cough from next to me when I looked up to see the girl from earlier holding out her hand, presumably for her book, standing next to me. Before I gave her the book back, I stole a glance at the numbers on her forearm and was surprised at how relieved I was to see that her numbers were also flickering between themselves. “Hi,” I said. God, ‘hi’? What kind of greeting is that for your soulmate? “Hi,” she said back, “Can I have my book back now?” Wow, I really look like a creep now. I was staring at a random girl whom I’ve never met and then, when she disappeared, I went over to where she was sitting and started reading her book. Did I actually do that?! I handed her book back to her and, to my surprise, she didn’t ask me to move or walk away but, she simply sat down next to me and continued to read her book. After a few minutes of semi-awkward silence, I noticed that my timer had stopped buzzing and now displayed the time it had been a couple of minutes ago, the time when we had actually, officially met for the first time. “Sorry to disturb you, and this is probably going to sound really weird, but can I see your right arm?” I asked eventually when I couldn’t take it anymore. I had thought she would be confused but she simply smirked and stuck out her arm, as though it was the most natural thing in the world. “I was wondering when you were going to say something,” She said, nodding to my own timer and giggling slightly before I looked up and we locked eyes for the first time. “Hi!” she said, still giggling adorably, “Hi!” I responded, I could feel myself laughing along with her and it was the best thing I had ever felt in my life.

Y/N’s POV

Two Months Later

“Hey, Y/N?” Peter said one day as we were relaxing on the couch, “Yes, Petey?” I knew what was coming, he had asked me the same question, every day, for the past six weeks. “What’s your mutation?” I sighed, I could have told him six weeks ago, when he first asked me, but I decided that it would be more fun to have him guess. I shooked my head and he sighed out of playful frustration. “Can you at least give me a clue?” I thought for a moment when an idea popped into my head, “Sure. Hmm... I can beat you in a race,” He didn’t look convinced. “No you can’t,” I smiled and nodded my head. There was a beat of comfortable silence before either of us spoke again. “So,” He began, “If you’re so sure that you can beat me in a running race, prove it,” I shook his hand when he held it out, with a mock-serious expression on my face. "You're on, Speedy." 

We met ten minutes later by the back door. "Okay," Jean said, Peter had insisted that we had a referee to properly determine who won, "Whoever gets to that tree first wins," She pointed to the furthest tree from us as she spoke. She looked at her watch and shouted, "Ready, Set, GO!" I gave Peter a second to properly get going before I froze everything; I felt like being nice. Once everything around me had stopped, I began to leisurely walk to the finishing line. As I passed Peter I couldn't help but to burst out laughing at his expression, he looked ridiculous. The wind was being thrown into his face by how fast he was going and it was making his skin contort in mad and hilarious ways. Once I had managed to stop laughing I continued to walk to the tree and when I got there I leant casually against it, unfreezing everything once I had settled myself there. Peter got to the tree mere seconds later but was baffled when he saw me leaning against it as though I had been there for hours. "Don't be disappointed," I said when I saw his expression, "Not everyone can be as fast as me." He laughed slightly and sat down next to me, "Happy two months anniversary," he said suddenly and realisation dawned upon me. "Has it really only been two months? It feels like so so so so so much more!" I teased, giving him a kiss on the cheek and resting my head on his shoulder. "Happy Anniversary, Petey." 

[rosewhipped22]

Whump!Cas/Hurt!Cas fic recs

Hurt!Cas fics are my absolute favorite, (in case you couldn’t tell that from my own writing) so here are some I really enjoyed.  I hope you will too!  Please, please, please read and heed the warnings/ratings/tags. Some are super dark.

Repent of your Sins by Anonymous

AU from the end of Season 8.When Cas returns to Dean and Sam, human, confused, disoriented and scared, they take him in. What else can they do?But Dean is still harboring some resentments. Sam is still sick and damaged from the trials, and Dean feels that Cas is to blame for much of what's happened to them in the past couple of years - things he's never really made amends for...

This one is really good, but definitely dark.  Dean is not his usual kind and forgiving self and Cas is hurting throughout.

It's gettin' dark, too dark to see by  Enochian Things (Salr323)

Cas is human and alone in the world; Dean's not handling it. At all. But then again, neither is Castiel.

I tagged this in my bookmarks as ‘homeless Castiel, Angst, lovely’ what else do you need to know??

Kiss the Baker by @ltleflrt  

Jo is pregnant and craving something a little bit unusual. When she sends Dean on a mission to find her some chocolate cake donuts with bacon sprinkles, he's sure that he'll fail. Luckily his partner Benny comes to his rescue and introduces him to a quirky little bakery that sells all kinds of weird (and delicious!) baked goods. And they do special orders!

Dean finds excuses to keep going back, and Castiel finds excuses to keep giving him special treats.

I feel like everyone needs to read this fic at least once.  It’s amazing from beginning to end.  I adored it.  It’s fluffy too <3 (@ltleflrt, you were looking for dark fics the other day--maybe you’ll find something you haven’t tried here!)

Blackbird Fly by artsyUnderstudy

Nearly a year after starting the fire that claimed the lives of Ruby Darvelle and Anna Novak, fifteen year old Sam Winchester returns home from his stint in court ordered rehab. Sam and his older brother, Dean, struggle to remake their own complicated relationship and the home they’ve lost in the wake of this tragedy, while a chance meeting brings Anna’s brother, the troubled and secretive Castiel, into their lives. Fighting with his recovery, Sam finds himself drawn to the strong and lively Jess, while Castiel and Dean find comfort in one another. As consequences of their past emerge and threaten to tear apart what they’ve carefully rebuilt, they are all forced to reevaluate who their family really is, and to what lengths they’re willing to go to keep it safe.

Great fic! Plenty of Sam in this one too.  

Stitches by Askance

Castiel survived Leviathan--but only barely. Vessel mauled and eyes destroyed, Cas is barely clinging to what's left of his grace when Dean finds him naked and alone on the reservoir's edge; in a panic, Dean brings him home to the cabin where he and Sam have been holed up off the grid. What follows is the slow process of the angel's recovery and the unexpected changes that come with his being blind, and in the three months this takes, their little family slowly begins to patch itself back together in forgiveness, love, and darkness.

This was so much better than Cas being left at the hospital with Meg.  I’m glad the boys stick together and help each other.

Dean Is His Mission by LisaEllyn

Castiel is stunned -- absolutely astounded to still be alive. But he needs to focus on healing himself. He needs to get out of the bunker before Dean returns because he has no doubt that the hunter will stay true to his word and not “miss” next time.

He is far from healed when he hears Dean approach the library. “You just aren’t the listening type, are you, Cas?”

This picks up after Dean beats Cas in the bunker after 10.22.  Good stuff. 

Less Than Angels by ashitanoyuki  

Newly human, Castiel moves in with Sam and Dean to the Men of Letters bunker. Unfortunately, his presence attracts the attention of Ezekiel, who develops a dark fascination with him. Hiding behind Sam's face and body, Ezekiel coerces Castiel into a sexual relationship, threatening to kick him out of the bunker if Castiel denies his advances. As Castiel wonders if he himself is to blame for "Sam's" actions, Sam himself is blissfully unaware of the angel inside him. Only when Dean catches wind of what's going on can they come up with a plan to get rid of Ezekiel once and for all.

I enjoyed this one a lot more than I should have.  More than once.  Poor Cas, man.  Poor Sam..

A Hunter's Prey by alpineshoodratt

A blue eyed boy he locked gazes with at a stoplight. His prey sat in the back of a pricey SUV, 4 other boys in the car, rowdy and loud. This kid sat quietly, watching out the window, until he noticed Dean looking. His sapphire eyes met Dean’s emerald ones for all of three seconds, before blushing and looking down.

Yummy

This is another dark!Dean one.  Like serial killer dark.

And I Will Walk On Water by tracy_loo_who

This fic is set after season 4 and totals ~122,600 words. It's a story about friendship and love, recovery and trust, free will, and Dean and Castiel's journey through it all. It's also about chocolate and hugs. If you read it, I really hope you enjoy it. ♥ 

I really love this fic!  If you love whump!Cas and early seasons Cas then you will too!!  It’s really fabulous.  Please give it a try, you won’t regret it.  

Hesitation by apokteino

Zachariah orders Castiel to seduce Dean in order to strengthen his allegiance to heaven. Castiel thinks it will be something to endure. Dean just thinks Castiel wants him. Neither one is right.

Oh man, this fic.  Apokteino is amazing and this fic is too! Read everything by this author.  Bonus: Early season Cas is so well written.

Hautley's Bend by ColdIntheStudio 

Castiel Novak is used to change. He's used to being the new kid in school. So when he moves with his family to the small town of Rail Pass, he doesn't expect things to be much different than the last three towns. But then he meets Dean Winchester, an aggressive fellow student who sees Castiel as the shiny new toy he and his friends get to mess with. Castiel has had his fair share of bullies in the past, but nothing like this. He's never felt this way about a bully, or anyone for that matter, before. Maybe something's wrong with him, that he could feel so attracted to someone who makes his everyday life hell. But then again, he sees the way Dean looks at him sometimes. And there's a lot more to Dean Winchester than meets the eye.

Wow! Buckle in for 500k words of an excellent HS au.  My favorite one.  It’s a slow burn enemies to lovers and it’s simply fabulous. 

It’s Not Easy Being Dean by strangeandcharm

The Winchesters are given a mission: they have to save Castiel. The trouble is, Castiel isn’t really Castiel any more…

I’m really shocked this fic doesn’t have more kudos, I so enjoyed it!  Zachariah is a colossal dick to our favorite angel via his AU creation powers.  

Pay Your Dues by Huggle

Castiel knows he has a lot to make up for and now he's human it will be harder than ever.

The Winchesters know it too, and they won't let him forget it.

Dark Winchesters.  A shorter option for you kids, but it still hurts so good.  

Unforgiven by coldrottingtrees 

For the SPN Kink Meme.

Prompt: "Abaddon, wearing Dean, uses and abuses the hell out of Castiel. (Who probably figures out it's not really Dean...eventually.)"

I’ve reread this one several times because I have issues.  It’s really well done and Abaddon manipulates Cas like a pro

Specimen Two Eighty Five by @hazeldomain

Prompt: Cas gets taken prisoner by the MOL or some other people. They lump angels in with all the other supernatural creatures, and believe they’re little better than animals. They keep Cas restrained and burn or tattoo warding on him. They talk about him like he can’t understand them. They strip him, examine him, make him manifest his wings. He can’t escape, and every day brings new mistreatment and misery.

Hazel is amazing and has lots of good fics--definitely a whump master. Her fic  It Was On Sale is fabulous as well but it features wincest if that’s not for you.  It worked for me because it’s an AU and Sam and Dean aren’t brothers.  Plus Cas is a total BAMF.

Paid In Full by Huggle 

Dean and Sam get word of a book that might hold the key to stopping the Apocalypse. Desperate times, and all, so they don't hesitate to steal it.

Unfortunately for Cas, its owner holds a grudge and has a rather cruel way of settling scores.

This is a short fic (with a 2nd part!! that I actually like even better) but so satisfying.  Huggle is on my list twice because this is one writer who knows how to make things hurt and they have a way with words that just sucks you right in. 

Love in a McHopeless Place by @weasleychick32

Throughout his years working at McDonald’s Dean has experienced a great number of awkward, unsanitary, and just plain strange situations, but what exactly is he supposed to do when he finds a homeless man sleeping in the playplace? This isn’t in the employee handbook.

I almost forgot this one! Yikes, that would have been a mistake.  A great AU with homeless!Cas. This one’s got fluff too!!  So probably a good one to end the list with.  It’s well written and highly recommended.

I do have more, but this should keep you kids busy for a while I hope.  Enjoy! and please leave comments for the authors if you like something!  They really do mean so much.  <3  (Authors let me know if you want your tumblr linked to your fic.  I’ll add it!)

[meanderfall]

//pops out from under your desk, 1 - 3 - 5 - 9 - 13 - 14 - 17 - 19 - 23 - 28 - 29 - 31 - 34 - 37 - 40 - 41 - 45 - 47 - 51 - 52 - 55 - 56 - 59 - 67 - 68 - 69 - 72 - 75 - 79 - 80 - 83 - 93 - 95 - 99 - aaaaand 100!! its a lot (even more than YOU sent ME i think) so feel free to skip some if u dont wanna do them!!

I DID IT!!!! IN YOUR FACE!!! (i love u, i dont mean that. for the most part.)

1: when you have cereal, do you have more milk than cereal or more cereal than milk?

I actually don’t mind, even like it, when my cereal gets all soggy from milk, but if you think for a single moment im going to drown my cereal in milk, you are a mad man. Besides, I fill my bowl up past the rim, so it’s basically physically impossible for there to be more milk than cereal.

3: what random objects do you use to bookmark your books?

you fool…. you underestimate my power…. i dont bookmark my page, i just remember the page number i was on

(When I was a kid, I would dog-ear the pages, but I think my brother got mad at me for doing that to his books, so i moved on to using tissues and then paperclip or magnetic bookmarks, and then keeping track of that shit was too much effort, so now i just remember the page number instead)

5: are you self-conscious of your smile?

nay, friend! But I am self-conscious about my laugh… it’s… loud, as you might have noticed by now. To the point that a lot of my classmates just knew who I was because of my laugh.

9: do you like singing/humming to yourself?

An easy way to tell if I’m in not having a good day is if I’m not singing or humming something. I grew up surrounded by people who love singing or whistling or humming, so it’s what I do. (I say people, but the main culprits were my dad and older brother.)

13: what’s something that made you smile today?

*whispers* getting a message from you…

14: if you were to live with your best friend in an old flat in a big city, what would it look like?

ummm, there would need to be a separate room with sound-proofing for her piano and bird. I’d imagine there would be bookshelves on every wall, filled with so many books like goddamn. A couch and tv would be necessary for gaming. Im sure the place would be filled with her art projects (she once built a chair out of recyclable items for the end of year project!!!). She would probably want to have houseplants, bc she’s outdoorsy like that (disgusting i know). I don’t really care about wall colours, so she would probably pick and i would just voice my opinion if i really didn’t like the colour. She would probably bring paintings too. This question is too hard, i legit do not care at all about how my apartment would look, please. you would understand if you saw my room, just how little i truly care.

17: what color do you really want to dye your hair?

A purplish-red! Like so:

19: do you keep a journal? what do you write/draw/ in it?

If you mean a journal where I keep all my thoughts and feelings in, then no, i do not. I have an app for that. If you mean a writing journal, then yes i have one, though i barely touch it tbh. I just scribble ideas and sometimes outlines, or even plan out history and culture for the fantasy worlds i create. I don’t really draw, unless im trying to create a map.

23: what’s your favorite thing to do on lazy days where you have 0 obligations?

well if today is anything to go by, it’s sleeping. I also like binge-watching comfort shows like Friends.

28: sunrise or sunset?

Sunset. They’re prettier to me and give off a different feeling than sunrises. It’s peaceful, a bit melancholy, and soft. a reminder that i’ve made it through another day and it’s time to rest.

29: what’s something really cute that one of your friends does and is totally endearing?

i have this friend that i play overwatch with who likes to shout LMAO whenever they do something cool or badass that’s also completely ridiculous (like, say, making a goal in lucioball from their own goal)

31: what is your opinion of socks? do you like wearing weird socks? do you sleep with socks? do you confine yourself to white sock hell? really, just talk about socks.

socks are socks. they keep my toesies and feetsies warm, though i usually prefer to go barefoot, bc wearing socks implies that im going to wear shoes which means im going to leave the house which ew. i literally do not give a fuck what colour they are, as long as they do their job, so i got bright colourful socks, dark socks, and just plain white socks. i only wear my socks to bed when im too lazy to take them off at the end of the day and just end up forgetting that im even wearing them, though i don’t like it too much when i do that because my feet feel dried out afterwards. i have a pair of thick wooly socks that are dark blue with patterns of white snowflakes on them that i wear during winter, especially on days when im wearing my onesie.

34: tell us about the stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it?

I didn’t have one. I mean, I had stuffed animals, but cuddling something that small when I was a kid was impossible for me to do. They just got in the way. The only thing I’ve ever shared my bed with besides blankets and pillows was my cat.

37: do you like keeping your room messy or clean?

pls go see drace’s ask im sorry i dont want to write it all again or copy and paste it.

40: think of a piece of jewelry you own: what’s it’s story? does it have any meaning to you?

my aunt on my dad’s side visited one summer. she brought me two necklaces, both that i adore. One is a choker with real gold beads that used to belong to my grandmother, my dad’s mom. I never met her, she died long before any of the kids were born, so i consider very special, beyond the fact that it’s expensive and elegant. It’s pretty much the only connection i have to her.

41: what’s the last book you remember really, really loving?

John Dies at the End!!! Along with Futuristic Violence and Fancy Suits, written by the same author!!! There’s so much character just from the narration, i wish i could write like that!! and it’s surprisingly deep too, i cannot recommend the two enough!!

45: do you trust your instincts a lot?

i suppose i do, considering the few times i didn’t, my instincts ended up being completely right. 

47: what food do you think should be banned from the universe?

drace’s ask pls.

51: think of a person. what song do you associate with them?

I hate the fact that I immediately started thinking of characters instead of a person. Anyway, Hush by Emeline makes me think of @anthcny-stark

52: what are your favorite memes of the year so far?

the distracted boyfriend is a definite fave. The floor is… is also pretty good. i thought roll safe and the white guy blinking was from 2016 but apparently not, and i quite enjoy them. i dont know if the reaction image of the dude saying “why would you say something so controversial yet so brave?” counts as meme, but i love a lot. all the other memes of 2017 are Bad.

55: what’s the most dramatic thing you’ve ever done to prove a point?

I don’t know if this counts… But, at some point in high school, I got sick, with a fever at around 102, and like, I guess I wanted to prove that my family doesn’t actually care about me, and so, I didn’t say a word about being sick. I wanted to see if they would notice for themselves. I also didn’t take any kind of medication for it.

They did not notice. Which either proves that they pay little attention to me or I’m just a really really good actor. Or I spend little time with them.

56: what are some things you find endearing in people?

…………………………………….. i’ll be honest, i dont pay enough attention to other people in order to answer this, i spend most of my life in my own head and i ignore everyone. It’s kind of fun though, to see what other people do while on the train? Some people are texting, or playing games on their phones or listening to music. Others are reading. Some are just staring out the window, lost in thought, and others are hard at work on their laptops. It’s interesting, it’s like getting a hint of what kind of person they are just based on what they do.

59: what’s your favorite myth?

i don’t know and i don’t care, next! (nah seriously, i used to be into mythology, by i havent read a myth in so long and i really don’t care enough to go and find one i like)

67: how do gloomy days where the sky is dark and the world is misty make you feel?

see drace’s ask

68: what’s winter like where you live?

Cold!!! and windy. And so much goddamn snow, holy shit. And it lasts for months, like the snow lasts all the way to April some times. It’s very pretty though, and peaceful and i like it.

69: what are your favorite board games?

Sorry! is probably the one i like the most. though tbh, i didnt play a lot of board games.

72: are you a person who needs to note everything down or else you’ll forget it?

see drace’s ask

75: tell us about your pets!

pls go and see my answer on drace’s ask for the love of god im not rewriting all of that

79: what’s one of the cutest things someone has ever done for you?

One time, there was only two chocolate and white chocolate chip cookies left, so i let my younger two siblings have them, and they each decided to split their cookie in half and gave me a half, so i ended up with an entire cookie.

80: what color are your bedroom walls? did you choose that color? if so, why?

Three of them are white and one of them is like crimson. I did not choose this, the room came like that, and we never painted it a different colour.

83: what’s some of your favorite album art?

I sure do like the album art for Atlas: Space 2 by Sleeping at Last and Atlas: Light.

93: what’s the hairstyle you wear the most?

Well, when I had long hair, I would usually wear it in a ponytail. My hair is too short for that now, so I just let it loose with its natural curls.

95: what are your plans for this weekend?

ummm probably play overwatch with you??? idk man, i dont have school anymore or a job, so im just stuck in this horrible in-between moment with no purpose or goals and i might lose it if i don’t find something soon.

99: list some songs that resonate to your soul whenever you hear them.

In a Big Country by Big Country, Riptide by Vance Joy, Carry Your Throne by Jon Bellion, Saturn by Sleeping at Last,  Fear by Apsley, Exorcism by Clairity, Brian Wilson by Barenaked Ladies, Which Witch by Florence + The Machine, Pinch Me by Barenaked Ladies, Pompeii by Bastille, A Chance of Rain by Bedouin Soundclash, Gems by birthday, The Kids Aren’t Alright by Fall Out Boy, My Heart’s Grave by Faouzia, 100 Years by Five for Fighting, You Found Me by The Fray, Ready Aim Fire, I’m So Sorry, Believer, Dream, and Thunder Imagine Dragons, Irresistible Force by Jane’s Addiction, Money by Mystery Skulls, Afraid by The Neighbourhood, Just to Get High by Nickelback (which is weird considering i cant relate to this song like at all)This Afternoon, How You Remind Me, and Just For by NickelbackMy Demons, and Starlight by StarsetGo To War by Nothing MoreLose It, and All We Do by Oh WonderCounting Stars, and Secrets by OneRepublicWait For ItEmperor’s New Clothes by Panic! at the DiscoSOS, and Montreal by Raine MaidaStand by Rascal FlattsWhen the Truth Hunts You Down by Sam TinneszFall by Serena RyderStitches bby Shawn MendesSecond Chance by ShinedownEverybody by StabiloPieces by Sum 41Kings by Tribe SocietyKitchen Sink by Twenty One PilotsBeautiful Day, and Stuck in a Moment You Can’t Get Out Of by U2Shut Up and Dance, and Anna Sun by Walk the MoonUnsteady by X AmbassadorsEast of Eden, and 1965 by Zella DayBe Like That by 3 Doors Down

There!!! I went through every song i downloaded to pick out the songs that resonated with my soul. (I’m not touching by Spotify though lmao it would take at least five hours)

100: if you were presented with two buttons, one that allows you to go 5 years into the past, the other 5 years into the future, which one would you press? why?

Like. Going into the past would be nice because then I could redo all of the mistakes I made, and hopefully, I’d be in a better position than I am now. However, going through paths I’ve tread before sounds like it would suck a lot, and I’m much more curious about the future! What has changed? What is my life like then? Have I moved out? Do I have a job? A job I like? Did I make friends? What’s the political climate??? Going to the future would be much more interesting!!