#because there’s SO little to find or connect with via my adult coping and processing pathways

[goldkirk]

.

[greghatecrimes]

why are you afraid to show the parts of yourself? why do you hide behind a fictional character instead of expressing yourself?

I originally wasn't going to answer this because it felt a little too personal for a "silly goofy" House MD sideblog. Then I realized that my answer to this question is something that the me from a few years ago would have been desperate to see/read and would be really reassured by. So in her honor, for her and others like her, I'll share.

I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume the tone here is genuine curiosity. When you spend time in a place where showing your emotions doesn't feel "safe", you learn to find other ways to express yourself in order to survive. Children naturally do this via play, in both safe and unsafe environments. For them, it's a way to process and regulate complex emotions that might be too big for them to fully comprehend on their own just yet. It's quite helpful for developing positive coping strategies and problem solving skills.

Doing something similar as an adult– vis-a-vis processing emotions via writing or art, instead of play– can have a lot of similar benefits, even though in some cases it has quite a different origin than the normal emotional development we see in children. A lot of people have spent time in a place where their showing feelings, interests, or needs just wasn't possible, for a variety of reasons. In those situations, one can learn very quickly that a way to express everything they truly feel– with all of the intensity, all of the good and the bad and the ugly– is by giving those feelings to someone else. For example: a fictional character. That person becomes a means by which you can express yourself and process potentially triggering memories and feelings while also holding them at a bit of a distance. It keeps you safe– the "unsafe" emotions aren't connected to you in any way, so there is far less risk of negative reaction from outside parties. It can also be a sort of "scaffolding" as your brain works through emotional processing that keeps things from becoming too overwhelming. You might call it hiding; I prefer to see it as letting my inner child have some "play therapy", in a way.

All that to say: creating from feeling is natural. Almost every writer or artist tucks pieces of themselves– both good and bad– into their work, regardless of if it's fanwork or an original project. It's part of being human. What's also part of being human is we, as observers, finding those little glimpses of vulnerability and connecting with them; relating them to our own thoughts and feelings and struggles. For me, I connect with Thirteen. Relating her thoughts and feelings to my thoughts and feelings is reassuring to me. As far as coping mechanisms go, it's all fairly adaptive and healthy. It's not hurting anyone, and in a majority of cases it's not stunting one's emotional growth or healing. While someone on the outside might see it as "hiding", or assigning feelings to a fictional character to avoid feeling them, I can assure you that there is always going to be a lot more going on under the surface that outsiders don't have witness to. I can express my feelings unburdened in the places where I most feel safe, with the people that I love and trust; those places are most often just a little more quiet and private than my tumblr. When life gets stressful, comfort characters and 'writing as play' just provide an extra soft space to land on top of what I already have in my support system. Seeing other people do the same in their writing and art has really helped me in the past. So I publish my work in the hopes that maybe it can be a beacon of light, or a little bit of support, for someone out there, too.

If you'd like to talk more about this, I'm happy to answer any other questions you might have. I'm also happy to answer more specific questions/provide more specific responses in my DMs.

[shemakesmusic-uk]

INTERVIEW: Penelope Trappes.

Australian-born Brighton-based musician Penelope Trappes has shared a new single and accompanying short film directed by Agnes Haus, ‘Blood Moon,’ from her forthcoming album Penelope Three. The album will be released next Friday, May 28 on Houndstooth. Following singles ‘Fur & Feather’ and ‘Nervous,’ ‘Blood Moon’ is atmospheric and dreamlike; a song about repurposing the fear within.

"I consider the moon a temple, a mirror of our emotions,” elaborates Trappes. “The blood moon symbolically represents the beginning, the ending and a clean slate. ‘Blood Moon’ is about being uncompromisingly true to oneself despite societal expectations. Everyone should be free to express femininity in their own individual way. The burdens and expectations instilled in us at childhood weigh us down and hold us back. This song is about never giving in to this pressure and dismantling a system of oppression that is carried within our bodies. A metamorphosis." Commenting on the accompanying visual, she adds: "The short film ’Blood Moon’ is a modern take on the goddess Isis if she were around to face today’s world. Isis is the protector of women and children and the healer of the sick - but despite her powers, she would still be weighed down by societal expectations of what is expected of women."

We sat down with Penelope to discuss Penelope 3, being back on stage and what she has planned next. Read the full interview below.

Hi Penelope! How are you? How have you been coping with everything thats been happening this past year?

"Hello! I’m doing well, thanks. Keeping sane in a world gone a bit mad. I’m doing daily yoga and meditation, I’m vegan and very recently gluten-free, which has been great! I’m a bit of a bore with the health stuff...but I love taking care of my body. Also, after sometime of getting used to it, I am now embracing the slower pace of life, what with no travel, and less commuting places. It’s a bit like how I imagine things were in say Victorian times... but with internet."

You're gearing up to release your new album Penelope Three. In it you explore your metamorphosis through tales of motherhood, the divine feminine, anxiety, healing powers and their spiritual connections. What sparked the inspiration to write about these themes?

"I have always felt emotions deeply within my body, since I was a child, particularly ancestral trauma. I am not sure if there is a word for this, but it’s my reality and at times it has been quite hard to cope with. So as I have been going through a lot of physical changes in my own body in recent years, these have shifted and moved me on a much deeper level - emotionally and spiritually. On top of that there was the pending separation anxiety of my sole daughter leaving home, which turned out to be more emotional than I expected. Living overseas for all of my adult life has always been difficult in relation to my family back home in Australia.  My mother is getting older and more unwell, and with my not being able to visit her in Australia due to the pandemic, i had to dive deep to find coping mechanisms. All the imposed alone time and the isolation has led to a lot of introspection. I am thankful to be able to find healing in channeling these feelings through the power of writing."

Sonically, how is Penelope Three different (or similar) to your previous releases? Were there any musical influences or sounds that you were able to incorporate on this record that you hadn’t previously?

"For Penelope Three, I based most of the compositions around my voice and words telling more of a tale. In the past i chose to pause on that aspect of myself and let the space take the forefront. I also explored a few more elements of my voice that I had trained in when I first started doing music, including jazz, opera, and sacred music. It’s not to say this album doesn’t have space like the last two albums, it does, but perhaps the pieces might feel a little more like “songs” on this one."

What was the creative process like this time around? Did lockdown affect it at all?

"The album was actually finished before lockdown. I wish I could say I was creating music since the pandemic, but sadly no.  I was spending a lot of time during lockdown just trying to navigate life itself, though i did find the time to co-direct, film, and work on the visual side of Penelope Three. ‘Penelope Three’ actually falls into a strange world of before, during, and after. It has grown with the changing world. I think it sits well in all realms of past, present and future - which the visuals that accompany the album represent."

What was your favourite part creating Penelope Three? And were there any parts you found particularly challenging?

"There were times during the initial creative process that I went way out there, right off on tangents. Sometimes quite dark. I really enjoyed exploring this side of me but sometimes it was a little bit too much. It was challenging to decide to put some of this off to the side and stay present in hope. I would say my favourite part of creating P3 was in making the final decision to embrace the many voices I carry within me, curating these into one cohesive album."

What do you hope fans will take away from the new album?

"Hopefully they have heard Penelope 1 and 2 and can feel the vision and the love now that I am at the end of the trilogy. Either way, a sense of strength versus vulnerability and the empowerment that comes from embracing both of these qualities is what I hope they find while listening."

You have some live dates lined up in September. I expect you’re excited to be back on stage. What have you missed the most about performing?

"I have missed sharing the music and the space with an audience. Those moments when you can hear a pin drop. Sharing these fragile moments together where anything could happen will be pure joy!"

Will there be any changes to your live show?

"I now have a cellist and keyboardist / backing vocalist on stage with me, two wonderful women, Maddie Cutter and Hinako Omori. The 3 of us sharing the stage together helps to communicate the elements of fragility and strength within P3.  It also frees me up to play guitar and really focus in on the vocals a bit more because in the past, I was multi-tasking on stage and had to rely on a holding down a lot of synths keys and chords the whole time."

Based on your musical journey so far, what’s been your biggest takeaway/piece of advice?

"Don’t ever stop creating no matter what family, friends or society tell you! Just keep evolving, changing and exploring everything that inspires you."

Finally, what else is next for you? Any non-musical goals?

"With Penelope Three, I have been working a lot on videos and I’m intending on exploring more aspects of filmmaking. I am particularly inspired by acting and the concept of story-telling and expressing all the emotions of life just through a delicate glance, the flick of the hand, or a tear. I am interested in telling tales with the body - with performance - but without music. I want to embrace the confrontational. I am also thinking a lot about musically what comes after this Trilogy. I have half of the music written already for a future album, but I just need to define what it’s all about before i continue on it."

Penelope 3 is out May 28 via Houndstooth.

Photo credit: Agnes Haus

[csa-survivor-confessions]

What are obsessive thoughts?

Obsessive thinking is an inability to control and cope with recurring, distressing thoughts, and images. The process may be mildly distracting or absorbing. Obsessive thoughts and images are part of a complex network of cognitive distortions, feelings, sensations, dysregulation, behavioural routines, and traumatic experiences.

Rumination is caused by past events. It is a preoccupation with perceived mistakes, losses, slights, and regrets. The feelings associated with obsessive rumination are guilt, regret, anger and self-criticism.

Thought spirals refer to those moments when we start down an obsessive thought pattern and get stuck unable to act and often freeze up.

Skills in The Moment

Break The Spiral:

When you notice the thought spirals begin, do something physical. Stomp your foot, clap your hands and even say “no” out loud. This action can break it better than trying to logic yourself out of the spiral. The physical action brings in all parts of our body and connections through our nervous system. This helps engage the brain-body connection, gives sensory input, proprioceptive input (awareness of self and movement) and allows our body to release some tension.

Move your brain to something else after you try to notice your might be spiralling. I suggest games like Sudko or other things that require our brain to shift to other thought patterns is good for rumination and intrusive thoughts.

Use media, books or music that can distract you more as a preventive. Avoid triggering content. Something that requires focus is the best, but if you are feeling fatigued, choose something with emotional effects. Choose media with separate emotions from the ones invoked by the obsessive thoughts.

Trauma Skills:

Thoughts tied to trauma linked with the same memory processing errors that come with traumatic effects on our brain skills to deal with flashbacks can help with this

“Katniss Skill”

Something we came up with based on a scene in the book Hunger Games: Mockingjay. This comprises reminding yourself of the facts you know and that we experiencing the abuse. This can redirect our thoughts, combat the flashbacks and pull us back. This skill helps with depersonalization and identity issues. Combine this with breathing exercises for the best result.

Example:

“My name is Jen, I am in Kentucky, I’m 17, I’m in my school dinner hall, I am with my friend Tylor, I’m from Tennessee, I have a brother named Milo. ”

Affirmations

When looking at them in a grounding context these are used to try and bring a sense of control and invoke some of our power. We can use them here to change our patterns and current perspective. I suggest combining it with a break the cycle skill like using physical action.

Notice the obsessive nature of the thoughts: My thoughts are not fighting me, i’m not crazy i’m experiecing a real symptom.

Remind Yourself you are not in control of these thoughts: These thoughts are not in my control i do not have to control them.

Remind yourself you are in control of how you respond: I am in control of only what i do. I do not have to do anything with these thoughts or recognize what you can do to handle them (eg use my coping skills)

Remind yourself when and where you are: I am not a little kid, i’m an adult, it’s the morning, abuse is not happening now.

Invoke your power: My emotions, fears, thoughts and feelings are real and valid. But i still have power in my life.

Somatic Skills:

Somatic, meaning body sensations, related to our thoughts and emotions. Trying to look at how we can use our bodies to calm our minds is key to being able to handle distress caused by obsessive thoughts.

Dysregulation of our nervous system and emotions tied to cognitive distortions like obsessive thoughts inextricably. Because of this, we have to help our bodies regulate. Caring for our bodies and cognition at once is the best way to fall into thought spirals less while experiencing less distress.

2-to-1 Breathing

This practice helps give us a path to regularity and engaging the parasympathetic system. It also requires a powerful redirect of focus to our breathing and how it feels. Knowing how proper breathing works is useful to know when we are becoming dysregulated. This is hard to do during flashbacks or mid panic attacks, most effective before or after the most extreme point until it becomes second nature.

Remember diaphragmatic breaths, and try to either sit or stand as straight as possible!

Steps:

Count the duration of both exhalation and inhalation as you breathe normally and adjust it gently so you are exhaling and inhaling for the same amount of time. Most people are comfortable with a count of 3 or 4 counts for each exhalation and inhalation. So one full breath lasts for a count of either 6 or 8. So you are breathing in 4 and exhaling 4 counts.

Now, without altering the duration of the total breath cycle, adjust your breathing by slowing the exhalation and gently quickening the inhalation to achieve a 2-to-1 ratio. For a breath lasting 6 counts, this means exhaling for 4 and inhaling for 2. For 8, you can adjust slightly, exhaling for 6 and inhaling for 3.

Sensory Integration Tools

Sensory integration tools otherwise called sensory aids or toys are objects that calm people down via acting on the senses to affect the nervous systems in stress states. In this context, when we are dysregulated when our thoughts become stuck in spirals of obsessive thoughts point to a point of dysregulation. These tools can bring our bodies back into a state of regulation. It can also prevent ending up hyperaroused and hopefully prevent falling into flashbacks or panic after we have obsessive thoughts.

Examples can be found in this article Coping Skills: Sensory Aids

Progressive Muscle Relaxation

This exercise can take a while and will need to be done a few times for it to be as effective. This might be uncomfortable to start with if you have strong traumas associated with certain body parts. But is useful to release stress before, during, or after episodes of stress. It can also be helpful to see where the most tension is held and understand the types of stress. The full version is difficult if you are in a crisis, but modified versions of tightening muscles can have similar effects.

Start by finding a safe place. Laying down or sitting in a comfortable chair. Take five deep, slow breaths.

The first step is applying muscle tension to a specific part of the body. This step is essentially the same regardless of which muscle group you are targeting.

First, focus on the target muscle group, for example, your left hand. Next, take a slow, deep breath and squeeze the muscles as hard as you can for about 5 seconds.

As you tense, the muscle group breath in and as you let the tension our breath out with it.

Radical Acceptance

Let yourself have these thoughts, take a deep breath, let yourself have these thoughts. Tell yourself that this is all right, this is where you are, you recognize that. Tell yourself that right now you do not have to take up this thought. But then take another breath and imagine them leaving your brain, right. You are not your thoughts.

This is something that takes practice, accepting the situation sucks but is important to healing. You can’t change anything by refusing to recognize it’s happening or being angry at yourself for “acting this way”.

If your thoughts are often part of catastrophizing logic talk you can use that to help. Obsessive thoughts about natural disasters. Remind yourself how unlikely something is to happen, so not number one priority might help, remind yourself “it is valid to worry, but maybe not so much right this second.”

Long Term Skills:

Remember many people experience obsessive thoughts for a variety of reasons and you are not broken or wrong for struggling.

Ditching value on how you are handling obsessive thoughts allows other coping skills to work. This is also key to healing the wider negative perceptions abuse left us with. Negative self-perception and wider cognitive distortions can also be brought to a healthier place through ditching value judgments. You can read our article on this topic Coping Skills: Ditch Value Judgments

Know some of your obsessive thoughts come from trauma. They do not define you; they are part of your experience, not all of it. It is tied to the neurological changes, altered world views, information processing and self-perception. We can learn to view our abuse and the world with a clear head from a place of healing.

The emotional aspects of this are just as important as the cognitive distortions that are part of this. Your thoughts, emotions and physical sensation are all needed to be healthy and to heal.

Learn about what you’re dealing with. Understanding what is going on within us offers us power.

Diagnosis Primer: Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)

Informational Article: Being Our Whole Selves Brain & Body

Symptom Explainers: Flashbacks

Ask for help. From family members, support groups or professionals. You do not have to do this alone ever.

And lastly, know that you are blessed, important and loved.

[timelytimely]

Despite me trying to out-think my most unproductive and most harmful behaviours and working so tirelessly to overcome them, and truly believing that I had overcome them in the immediate aftermath of us ending things, the eventual panic ended up sneaking up on me.

I had spent the last two weeks constantly fighting my worst thoughts

There is something you could have spotted

There was a sign

You shouldn't have jumped into the euphoria so blindingly

You should have just had a honest conversation earlier

You shouldn't have trusted so blindingly in your emotions

How you were acting could have been perceived as being too clingy, too intense, too much

He is going to call you crazy, a bitch, obsessed with having a relationship, wanting too much too soon

If you didn't invite him to your birthday it would have been okay

If you didn't choose to raise your conflict via messenger it would have been okay

If I didn't express so honestly how you were feeling, he'd still be around

--

It was exhausting. Scrutinising and ruminating over the validity of my memories was mortifying. It was also reminiscent of a phase of my life I never want to live through again, where I was so vulnerable and so powerless. And the anxiety began to build.

--

Navigating intimacy and trust with someone who is avoidant attachment did not work out for me. It has never worked out for me and it will never work out for me. The insecurity, the silence, the second guessing, it was too much. The seeming loss of control and agency was too much and I was thrown back to how I felt in my teenager years. And the anxiety continued to build.

--

In trying to get over the disappointment of losing the seedlings of what I thought was the burgeons of something beautiful, I was ruthlessly trying to find answers to why and how everything went wrong.

Reading about attachment theory and the avoidant attachment type filled a lot of the unanswered questions and gave me clarity on why you did the things you did. It was a bit of a double edged sword, because it also gave me new hope that we could work through it now that I had the full picture - I had renewed dreams that love honesty, commitment and effort could conquer it all. I didn't want to accept defeat and failure, because my feelings for you were so strong. So I kept swinging wildly back and forth with the unbridled hopes we could make it work and knowing the reality that you flat out are not ready for any kind of commitment.

Amongst all this confusion, I was also forced to confront my own history, my dysfunctional relationship with my parents, my trauma. I recognised so many of my own traits in the avoidant attachment type and why it led me time and time again to fail at intimacy and fail at relationships. I recognised that both my parents were avoidant attachment types and had raised me to become avoidant attachment.

I thought I was handling it okay, I felt like I was intellectualising most of this information. Maybe I was drinking a little more, smoking a little more, lying in bed a little more, ruminating a lot more. And moment by moment the anxiety began to build. The thoughts began to churn into emotions. The feelings of fight or flight swelled. The panic of failure grew. And everything began to simmer over the surface.

--

Fragmented memories of the abuse slowly began to rise to the fore. I could feel the flesh on my bones lowering itself into a grave of despondency, hopelessness, powerlessness, fear that gripped me with such intensity that I couldn't be anything to anyone or anything to myself. I was submerged in the dirt of the distress, where I thought I was going to wither away in silence from the grief and anger that I had held in my heart since I was nine.

The feelings were all consuming. I felt like I was nothing. Terror shook me to my bones and turned me into a ghost of my previous self.

For the first time in my entire life, I was re-living the trauma of my abuse.

--

I felt like I was descending into a total loss of control. My emotions and memories had engulfed me and I was completely at its mercy, dragged to my knees, scrapes and scratches bleeding through my skin, locked in a prison of the most terrible things I've ever lived through.

The realisation that I had never ever truly processed the abuse knocked the lights out of me. My whole adult life I had so proudly worn the title of survivor on my heart. I believed I had triumphed. I believed I had reconciled and processed it all. I had talked about it with so many people, including my mother. But I didn't. I never really had. I had just done what I'd always known - shunned the emotions and compartmentalized it in my insides until this very moment. The full weight of the trauma was truly flogging me until I was nothing but my bones.

I felt like I was losing my sanity. I had forgotten so many of the memories of my father, of the abuse. I realise now that this was a coping mechanism to survive the abuse. But I can't describe how horrifying and distressing it is to re-live the most intense, the most shameful feelings you've ever felt with absolutely no tangible memories attached to these feelings.

The few memories that came back were disjointed and frazzled, like ageing power lines connecting to an analogue television.

A father that called my mum a fucking cunt after a tiny joke gone wrong, drove off drunk and left us hanging at aunty kiew's house with shame and anger. My dad pulling over in the middle of the freeway to scream at all of us in the car. The time he tried to slap me in the car when I was 13. Sitting in the dining room on my computer, minding my business and hearing my dad thunder up and down the house, my heart leaping every single time he made a move, forcing myself to exist smaller and smaller and smaller in the hopes he would not notice me. That time at the airport drop off zone. Watching my mum pull out a knife when the affairs were laid to the surface. The last conversation I had with my father, where he gaslit me and deflected the blame onto me and tried to squash me under his control for asking to take responsibility for having a baby with another woman.

There was so much more that happened that I can't remember and may never remember. The outbursts. The use of fear and intimidation as a weapon. The indifference. The gas lighting. How he used silence and denial to make you think you were crazy. The threats. The constantly turning tables. The unpredictability.

[landofsomethingsomething]

It’s so god damn easy to tear people down. People do it every day. It’s simple, it’s satisfying, it’s cathartic, it feels like balm to people who have been wronged, to people who have suffered, to people who have to live their lives outside this virtual space in fear and in real danger, in abusive households and abusive communities and situations that do not foster kindness, empathy, or the extension of good faith toward strangers. Being able to lash out safely from behind a screen at people that are safe to lash out at and who feel like a source of your continuing oppression -- that’s novel, at first. It’s invigorating. It’s freeing. The ability to be angry, to say angry things, to express your hurt and rage at any number of nameless or unnamable things is so fucking seductive it’s no wonder so many lgbt+ people have spent time in that place, have had periods of their lives where they engaged in this behavior and said what they wanted and lashed out without thought and allowed others so similar to them to enable their behavior. 

It’s so easy to find lgbt+ people who are in pain. To take these people who are in pain and to give them targets. To mold young people and your peers and take advantage of their trauma (so like your own!) and whip it up, normalize it within your group, foster it on any number of available platforms. Focus it on whoever you deem deserving at any given time. Actions speak louder than words. Context is irrelevant. Dialogue is weak. Abusers are abusers are abusers, except when you’re the abuser, because the abuse you have suffered justifies your actions. Your abuse makes you relatable. Your abuse is more important, more valid, more meaningful, more deserving of the care and empathy of others regardless of your coping mechanisms. 

It’s so damn fucking easy to just say whatever you want on the internet. It’s so easy to paint a group with whatever paintbrush you like, because no one fact checks, no one cares about context, no one concerns themselves with nuance, no one views the words on the screen in front of them as coming from another human being with an entirely separate lived history full of its own tragedy and triumph and biases and triggers and needs and understanding and hard fucking learned lessons. 

We separate into teams and look for ways to score points against the other side. We make ourselves willfully ignorant so we don’t have to switch sides, or even better, remove ourselves from the game entirely. We busy ourselves with tearing our enemies down with unattainable standards, ignore our own hypocrisy, and look to our side to tell us we’re right, we’re right, this time we are right and we will not be silenced and we will not be bullied and we will not let them win. 

Our actual abusers don’t see any of it. They don’t care. They go on living their lives. We take our rage and our pain and our frustration out in arenas we understand, in the places we feel safe, and the people we lash out at are the people who should be our friends, our allies, our brothers and sisters and nonbinary siblings who have suffered so much in a world that denies our sexuality, denies our gender, denies our expression, denies our right to exist. 

We know our abusers won’t listen. We know our pain is nothing to them, a drop in a bucket. So we hurt the people that can’t help but listen, because our stories are so alike. 

I went through an angry phase. I spent a few years screaming at people I felt deserved it, too. Some of them did and some of them didn’t, and doing so brought me short term satisfaction and a deep sense of power that I had not experienced anywhere else. A deep resonance with my own identity that I was powerless to exhibit anywhere in my real life, because family is complicated, friends are the choir and speaking up about microaggressions at work gets queer people fucking fired every fucking day, and you need that god damn money to eat. to live. to pay for your fucking brain pills. 

So. 

When you have a platform and a fandom and you feel that thrill of being heard, finally -- I get it. 

But here’s the thing. 

Your abuse never justifies levying abuse on others, strangers, people whose context you do not know and whose stories you have not heard. 

Your emotions are valid. You are free to feel however you like. If you need to vent in private, among friends and colleagues and people you feel safe with, by all means. 

Your favorite characters and your favorite ships and your favorite relationships and your fanfiction and your fanart may be how you express yourself or vent or cope. Your Shit means different things to different people, and to some, it means nothing at all. Let it fucking go. Your shit is not the bar of lived experience other people in fandom must meet to be considered sufficiently oppressed to spare them your bullying. 

Your trigger and your context and your trauma is your own. It does not belong to anyone else. It is your responsibility to understand your limits and respect the rights of other creators, just as it is the responsibility of creators to properly tag and label their work to spare those whom it might upset the indignity of reliving their trauma within a space that is supposed to be safe for them. A space that for some may be the only safe space they have. A space that for some may be the only escape available to them. A space that, for some, may be the only way they can begin to express themselves, furtively, in stolen moments in an oppressive environment. 

Fandom is where so many of us found ourselves. It’s full of us, lgbt+ people in various life stages, expressing ourselves in communities dedicated to content that made us feel enough to find ourselves here in the first place. It’s where children currently are discovering labels for feelings they have never had the words to talk about before. It’s where adults go in the midst of their busy lives to contribute to a body of work motivated by nothing but emotion for the source, for the community, and/or for the hope of encouraging feedback from their peers, their fans, their heroes, all three. It’s where everyone goes and discovers there are people out there just like them, after all. 

It’s where people are picking their teams and suiting up and getting in line and hurting people just like them, every day. 

It’s where people are putting the feelings and wellbeing and sanctity and rights of fictional characters over those of actual human beings who committed the grave sin of enjoying a thing a different way, or for different reasons.

Fandom is full of amazing connection and moments I wouldn’t trade for the world. I wouldn’t be married to my amazing wife right now without it. But it’s also a battlefield in a bubble where I watch oppressed people tear each other apart every single day, while of course, in the meantime, outside the filmy fucking boundary between this world and the real one, the same privileged sorts continue to dominate every aspect of mainstream media, the white house is full of incompetent, hateful people, some of whom are literal nazis, white nationalists feel safe enough to wear swastikas on public transit in liberal epicenters, gay men in russia are being sent to death camps, the police are murdering people of color indiscriminately without fear of personal or professional consequence, the supreme court is one death or retirement away from setting back civil rights in the united states a century, trans people have to watch a nation of frightened pissbabies scream about the sanctity of public bathrooms while they themselves suffer from an increased rate of being literally fucking murdered simply for existing, gay teenagers ostracized from conservative families sleep homeless in the street with winter fast approaching, hurricanes devastate a dozen nations because this century has paved a political landscape where corporate profits prevail over basic human rights  -- and you know what, fuck it, let’s make it a little personal -- 

half my family has never acknowledged the fact that I have been married for a year because they don’t believe it is a legitimate marriage because I and my wife are both women, my wife and I went to the hairdresser the other day and when we checked in with the same last name we were asked if we were sisters (and upon clarifying, the woman who was to cut our hair loudly and incredulously gasped, “is that legal here?”), one of my best friends, a woman I have known since high school (that’s 17 years ago, for those keeping count) was told she would have to undergo a thorough and lengthy process via working with HR, her boss and the owner of her company before she could represent herself as her correct gender at work - and even after she jumped through all those hoops, she was told she was absolutely not allowed to use the women’s restroom under any circumstances - When I told my father about my engagement, he tearfully turned to me and said “but you’re supposed to marry a guy, and have babies” - and because this was my father, who I have always had a good relationship with despite remaining closeted most of my life, who I have always and still deeply love despite the shit that comes out of his mouth sometimes, who worked 12 hour days in construction to support me after divorcing my mother when he was nineteen years old - I actually fucking felt guilty. 

The memory of how I felt in that moment will follow me until I fucking die, and when I log on to this website at the end of the day and just want to fucking relax and spend time yammering about things I like with people who like those same things, when I just want to spend time in this space that makes me feel good, when I just want to create content for the joy of creating it and the joy of seeing others enjoy the thing I created -- the fucking last thing I want is to see myself, my wife, my close friends and fandom friends alike being put on blast by petty people leveraging a nebulous, ever-changing definition of purity, backed by a group of people I know have suffered and hurt and feel justified hurting others because of it. 

Fandom is where we go to escape the hellish fucking bullshit that is reality, for fuck’s sake.

I don’t fucking care who hurt you. Visiting pain upon others in the aftermath is your choice. Bullying others because a group of impressionable, hurting people looking for a leader will follow you into the trenches here on a battlefield where we should all fucking know better is your choice. 

Your feelings aren’t always your choice. That’s fair.

The way you choose to express and react to and process and deal with those feelings IS your choice.

Your actions are your choice.

So try to be kind. Try to be empathetic. Understand your feelings and understand when you are being manipulated and for god’s sake, when other queer people come out in droves to tell their stories, try to think critically, even if they are on the other “team.” Block content that upsets you. Use tools available to you to keep yourself safe! Blacklist tags. Blacklist URLs. Block people. Be frank about your triggers if you are able and try to give people the benefit of the doubt -- and if you can’t, put space between you and them, and then use the myriad of tools available to you to put a wall in that space. 

I know all about the kind of catharsis that comes from being a “mean gay.” I know all about constructing a set of rules within a group and then judging others outside that group by that context and punishing them when they fail purity tests they knew nothing about. I know all about fighting disrespect with disrespect and anger with anger and logging out at the end of the day to go cry -- not because I was sad, but because I was so fucking angry I couldn’t process the emotion any other way. 

I also know all about walking away from that life, that toxicity. I know about taking a break. I know about reading, a lot, for months and years, about experiences both like and very much unlike my own. I know about resolving to be better. I know about cutting out the people who made me worse, and keeping the people who encouraged me to be better. 

I know how much my life improved when I endeavored to keep my venting and negativity among friends who could actually support me, in places where I couldn’t hurt anyone, and present a positive force to the public, instead. To lift up the things I like and to block and move on with the things I don’t. To let creators have their space and their platform here in this one place where we can each carve out some small part for ourselves and feel like we are in control for once in our fucking lives. I know I stopped crying so much. I know my hobbies stopped making me so angry, all the time. I know that the only times I have been truly, deeply upset in my time in this fandom have been when I have been targeted or those I care about have been targeted. 

I know how fucking hard it is to tear yourself away. 

I know how fucking worth it it is. 

Take care of yourselves. 

[asfeedin]

Does The Pandemic Have You Doing A Little Soul Searching? The Holistic Psychologist Explains Re-Parenting And How It Can Benefit Us All

Let’s face it. Many of us had childhoods that weren’t ideal. The main reason being is that our parents themselves had unresolved emotional issues that they then passed along to us. Now that we are being forced to take a pause in life (whether we like it or not) with the pandemic, an opportunity presents itself to turn inwards to heal old wounds that to some degree we all carry and use this as a chance to grow personally.

Little Girl Crying With Shadow Of Parents Arguing

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I discovered Dr. Nicole LePera, also known as ‘The Holistic Psychologist’ on Instagram through a friend of mine. Her posts about ego, anxiety, codependency, and trauma resonated with me (and millions of others). As her tagline would suggest, LePera is a psychologist who acknowledges the mind and body connection. She blends her traditional training from Cornell University and The New School to offer insights that are relatable while teaching people that they can heal themselves.

“I do not work with clients,” LePera tells me. “I run a self-guided healing membership (the next one opens up May 1st) for people who want to go on their own healing journey.  I teach people the tools that bring healing in many different ways, and encourage them to use the practices that they connect with the most.  The core concepts I teach are: ego work, inner child work, re-parenting, and body (nervous system healing).  It’s important for people to understand that we are all self-healers, and if we do the work, we can truly transform.” 

For those unfamiliar with the concept of re-parenting, it is a technique used in psychotherapy where the therapist acts as a parent to the client so that they can heal from past attachment trauma.

“The way I teach re-parenting is being your own inner wise parent,” says LaPera. “That means beginning to speak to yourself in different ways, making different choices, and honoring your needs.  As children, our core needs were to be seen and heard.  Few of us truly had this experience, so re-parenting is the act of beginning to understand ourselves in a new way and beginning to meet our needs now that we have the awareness as adults to do so.”

LePera explains to me that this is applicable to just about everyone since our parents are human and have their own unresolved trauma.  LePera continues, “Just like we inherit eye color and hair color, we inherit behaviors, patterns, and beliefs from our parents that don’t always serve us as adults.  Re-parenting helps us to become aware of these things, and slowly with time and practice, release these patterns and become more physically and emotionally healthy.” 

Since therapy is seen as somewhat of a luxury both in terms of time and cost, I really appreciate LePera’s candor that people can do the work themselves if they commit to it. 

“Re-parenting can be done by ourselves every day,” she tells me. “We can also use re-parenting tools within therapy.  If we are doing work with a professional, it’s important to also do this work daily in our own lives.” LePera views this work as a lifelong commitment that evolves as we evolve. “This doesn’t mean our life revolves around re-parenting. It just means that we are conscious of the choices and actions we make and check in with ourselves around our own needs, and patterns.”  

Curious to know how ego plays a role in re-parenting LePera tells me, “Children by nature are ego-centric. This is an important stage ego development. That means that they believe everything happens to them and because of them.  So for example, let’s say that dad comes home stressed then he yells at us, we believe that we caused dad to yell at us—that there is something wrong with us.  Children do not have the ego awareness to understand there are different things coming into play to cause dad to behave this way.  Many of us don’t develop beyond this stage of ego development and continue to believe that everything is happening to us and because of us. This is nothing to be ashamed of, and is a sign that some re-parenting can be helpful.” 

Sea waves close up at sunrise

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We are living in very strange times. “It’s a collective global pause on life as we know it.” Since most of us are stuck inside, we are forced to look inwards. “For some that might mean growth, others might connect more with family, others might feel anger or sadness. The real opportunity during the pandemic is to connect with what you’re actually feeling—to work on not judging your responses and to find ways to process it all that make sense for you,” explains LePera.

So what are some exercises people can do at home to practice self-love? “I am always teaching people the concept of keeping small promises to yourself,” states LePera.  “So I teach people to make attainable promises like waking up 10 minutes early or going to bed 10 minutes early, drinking 1 glass of water every morning, meditating for 5 minutes, or journaling for 10 minutes. These small acts of self-care help to establish trust with yourself and build the foundation of self-trust.  With commitment, these small acts bring so much transformation.” 

One thing you will quickly learn about LePera is that she doesn’t talk about universal protocols and the same applies to self-care routines.  “People are individuals and self-care means different things for different people,” she tells me. “With the pandemic some people are feeling devastated and scared. The first step is to identify those feelings and accept those emotions. So many of us have these rules about what we should feel and we cause ourselves a lot of additional suffering thinking this way.  Some people feel lonely and they want to connect while other people may feel lonely and want to be left alone. There is no right or wrong way to feel”. 

Once you accept your feelings LePera suggests that people find a way to care for themselves, balance the body and the mind, and care for our emotions. “We sometimes feel like we should know how to care for ourselves. But we weren’t taught a lot of these things so it takes experimenting. Does a walk make you feel better or perhaps does taking a bath provide a sense of comfort? I talk a lot about breathwork, which is incredibly important because it regulates the nervous system.”

Yoga

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On a global level, there is no doubt that the pandemic is bringing up old trauma for many people. “A lot of us are carrying childhood traumas.  Our safety in the world is being threatened and it is emotionally activating. Many of us are living with a fight or flight response. These are governed by our nervous system, which is affected by our past experiences. The reaction in our body is very real. When we are challenged and not conscious to old patterns we resort to old coping tools and the spiral continues. This affects how we show up everyday for work and our relationships with others. Any issues will feel exasperated,” explains LePera.

There is so much that I love about LePera’s approach to self-love and self-betterment. But, one of the qualities that I admire most and that I haven’t seen in my years of seeing therapists is her openness with her own struggles. Many therapists hold themselves up higher than their patient as if they have it all figured out when in fact most of them don’t. This is, in my opinion what makes her so relatable.

“Re-parenting and learning to love your self is a journey,” she tells me. “It’s not something that happens overnight, and it’s something that we must be an active participant in. An important part of re-parenting is being gentle and compassionate with yourself during the process, rather than judging where you are at with it.”  LePera’s insight into the mind and body coupled with her tangible advice is invaluable for all of us navigating these incredibly challenging and triggering times. Her first book comes out next spring.

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Tags: Anxiety, attachment, Benefit, body and mind connection, childhood trauma, codependency, ego, explains, Holistic, inner child, mental health, pandemic, parent attachment style, parenting, polyvagal theory, Psychologist, psychology, PTSD, re-parenting, ReParenting, Searching, Soul, soul searching, the holistic psychologist, trauma

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[junker-town]

Couldn’t Be Me: Help, my brother is Steph Curry

This week’s advice column is about sibling rivalries, and how to cope with being the lesser child.

Welcome to Couldn’t Be Me, a weekly advice column where I solicit your personal dilemmas and help out as best as I can. Have something I can help you with? Find me @_Zeets.

Whether your sibling is better than you at basketball — and gradually eliminating your team from the playoffs — or beats you in a video game, being bested by a sibling is tough for a lot of us. Siblings are the first people we compete against, and our rivalries with them run deeper and hotter than any others. That feeling of being second best can be hard to deal with, but it’s important to remember that beyond that rivalry can be an appreciation, a chance to celebrate someone close to you for being great at something.

This does not include a younger brother having a bigger penis, however. Don’t ask. You’ll see farther down.

Seth:

My brother and I have played basketball together since we were young. We both were pretty great at it back then, but as we got older, he quickly surpassed me in skill. The higher we rose, the greater the distance between the two of us. Now we’re playing against each other at the professional level, and it’s not even a fair competition. He’s more accomplished, more known and beloved, and so much better than me that one SB Nation writer once called me the store-brand version of him. Even though our parents try to support the two of us, I know deep in their hearts that they love him more. How could they not? I come off the bench and he’s probably going to win another championship. I know I should be happy for him, but I can’t help but feel envious and a bit small in comparison to him.

CBM:

It’s unfortunate, but history is full of siblings like you. The ones who are overshadowed. The lesser talented ones. You can find solidarity with the likes of Luke Hemsworth, Brett Harrelson, Neil Connery, Mychel Thompson, John Millsap, Zoran Dragic, and Taylor Griffin. Talent can be genetic, but sometimes it’s not divided evenly. You happened to wade into the talent when it was almost dry.

The problem is that you can’t be too bitter about this. Unless you want to go Cain vs. Abel, which I don’t think is the right route here. I think the best way to think when you’re the less talented sibling is the same way that every human in this culture of ours desperately needs to start thinking: that even though you two grew up playing against each other, and there’s forever a connection between the two of you, you’re not in direct competition with him. Your story is yours, and your duty is to improve yourself as much as you can. Celebrate your brother; his success should bring you as much happiness as your own.

Your goal is to do the most with what you have been given. Envy will always inhibits that.

Luis:

I was playing u14 [American youth soccer] and my little brother was playing for a gold club. One day we went to get new cleats. My brother grabbed the predators, I grabbed the f50s.

My dad made me put them back. He said to me, “when you play like your brother, I’ll buy you cleats like your brother.”

Martin:

This is about the first time my little brother beat me at FIFA.

Long story short, I am seven years older than my little brother. I obviously always beat him from the time he started picking up a controller to about the time I went to college.

I started playing less and he kept on playing a lot more, so by the time I’m 19-20 he’s super good. We play at this party with some other friends of mine, he beats me 1-0, and he was (obviously and understandably) over the moon.

I was mad, livid, he beat me in front of my friends, I swear I considered walking away or I don’t know, beating the crap outta him. But eventually I came around and saw things for what they were, my little brother had grown and it was very natural for him to be good at video games.

To this day he’s a fucking master. He plays Ultimate difficulty like it’s a walk in the park and I struggle with World Class.

CBM:

These two submissions are stories of younger siblings surpassing older siblings, and embarrassing them in the process. I have no consolation for Luis, since I was that younger brother who was better at the sport, and I can see myself in his dad. I can’t be wasting good money on nice cleats for someone who can’t honor them. It’s a cold world. You better bundle up.

For Martin, I sympathize. I believe deeply in embarrassing your younger sibling in video games. I believe that making them cry is a great way to build character. It’s a rite of passage to adulthood for them to know that the world, starting with their older sibling, can be merciless. That there are people out there who can be much better at something you love, and that all you can do is try your best, fail, cry, and get better.

I also know that the dynamic eventually reverses flow. That by showing the younger sibling no mercy, that you only set them on the path to destroy you eventually. I remember when my little brother and I played in a FIFA tournament that he won, beating me badly in the finals. I was livid. Perplexed. Flabbergasted. Something had to be wrong, either with the controls or with the order of the universe. I couldn’t believe it. As I was still grappling with this new truth, my little brother turned to me and quoted a line from one of his favorite animes: “Every warrior must fall. Your time is now.”

It be like that sometimes.

Julian:

When I was 19 and my brother was 17, I returned home unexpectedly from college to find him having sex in my room. It was bad enough to learn he got off on defiling my bed with a random scallywag, but even worse was before he noticed my presence I saw him pounding away, and he was putting in work.

To add psychological injury to insult, when he leaped up from surprise at my intrusion, I discovered he was packing a jumbo Mr. Plumpy below deck. My own fry was not supersized, so this was devastating. We have the same parents for God’s sake!

Up until then I’d held such an upper hand in the sibling dynamic. I was a successful athlete, and much better looking in the traditional sense. I was popular and dated a slew of beautiful girls throughout high school. But going forward it was clear to me that women wanted me on their arms while they wanted my brother in their beds.

I have a beautiful wife and three children now; my brother is still a bachelor at 35, and has dated a diverse array of women over the years, all of whom regard him with a fierce loyalty, like he is some sort of deity. I have always inspired adoration from women via kindness and decency. It kills me not to know what it’s like to inspire dedication and need simply through bestial prowess and lust. I’ve never talked to him about this, but this shit put a huge dent in my confidence. What the fuck am I supposed to do?

CBM:

Hey man, that’s some wild shit. Hold on, give me a minute to get over you calling your brother’s penis, “Mr. Plumpy.”

.

.

.

All right, then.

Penis envy is a terrible disease that has plagued the conscience of many men for no good reason. Men are usually more obsessed with the size of their penises than women are, and you shouldn’t have your confidence affected just because your brother may be an exceptional case. You’re not alone, however. Size has been socialized into a determinant of masculinity for eons.

But the biggest issue here is your idea that women are conquerable through sex. I understand that when you’re a young guy, that’s how sex is marketed towards you, and it’s easy to absorb that way of thinking. But as an adult you have to work to grow out of it. You are unabashedly reducing women to objects who you hope will follow and worship you because of your dick.

Women aren’t easily manipulated machines. You ought to know this; at least, I would hope you don’t view your wife this way. And yet, you hold onto this view regarding your brother’s relationships, then suggest that the size of his penis is all that matters. That is fiction created by a false perception of what sex, masculinity, and being a woman actually mean.

But yes, try not to think about your brother’s penis so much. Use that time productively and read The Second Sex or something.

[rvcampgroundsnearme2604-blog]

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12 Stats About Campgrounds Near Me To Make You Look Smart Around The Water Cooler

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17 Reasons Why You Should Ignore Rv Parks

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10 Things Most People Don't Know About Camping Near Me

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Marine After the hookup lures because there's a wide choice. There are no hookups, but there's a water as soon as you pull in fill available. Living there for lengthy amounts of time wouldn't get the job.

The Park has the triple masters quarters together with restored buildings that are historical. The bigger parks even provide. Generally, the park is a fair cost for how simple it is to access comforts in Fairbanks and where it is located. To get a free website for boondocking near Yellowstone National Park, this ca get far superior than you.

[gigglesall-blog]

Yesterday, I posted a video on this thread discussing the misogynistic abuse I have received day in and day out for the past 18 months of development. The reception was lovely overall. There were a few criticisms, like accusing me of posting an ad, but that is to be expected in an open forum. My number one goal is to HEAR female voices - to hear your experiences - because it helps me not feel crazy. Which is the number one feeling waiting to take over when you're hearing misogynistic gaslighting for the majority of a workday. "Am I going insane? Is this normal?" But I thought I would expand a little bit. In part because, before becoming a tech startup CEO, I was a screenwriter in Hollywood. So the written word is actually where I feel most comfortable. Also, you can say a lot more than you can in a 3 minute video, especially when being on camera is a medium I don't enjoy. The reason I am no longer a screenwriter is for every reason the Me Too movement exists. I was there in a pre-MeToo world & had actually left by the time the Weinstein scandal broke because I couldn't cope with it a second longer. I remember, one morning, staring at the ceiling in my bedroom & realizing that I could not get myself out of the deep hole of depression I was in if I stayed in my career and city I had come to know as home. So I moved from LA to New York. As a screenwriter, I had two male agents & two male managers. I am Australian so my work visa was connected to the agency/management companies and I was trapped with them. I couldn't earn money any way other than through selling screenplays via my agents & managers. So, more than the average writer, they controlled my life. But I wrote movies for women. I wrote romcoms. Usually movies about a flawed yet strong women who goes on a journey to realize her strength and own it. That was basically my brand. Once - ONCE - I wrote a script about sex. I was told that sex was my brand and no matter how many times I said, "Nope. Strong yet flawed women are my brand", I was sold as the sex writer. I needed to pay rent, so if "sex writer" was going to do it... In meetings with executives and producers, I was groped or verbally harassed. Repeatedly. At the beginning, I would tell the people (men) I needed to tell about what had happened. I was told "It's just how it is" and "just 'wow' them with a great script!" But after having a hand put down my pants (a literal "grab them by the P***y moment), I didn't want to be in a room with Him again. So I didn't write the script. This happened a few more times and my professional reputation started to fall. I was the girl who didn't deliver. The reality was that I could no longer write. I would sit at my computer all day, every day, trying to write. But I couldn't form coherent sentences in my head. Because my sole livelihood rested on my ability to write, I became more and more anxious. The anxiety did not help. I have since learned, after a lot of therapy, that I was trapped in a flight-or-fight survival mode and my subconscious was stopping me from writing because writing meant I would be in rooms with Men who would abuse me verbally or physically. New York helped for a moment, but the issues were just too deep. I needed a professional. The depression too strong. I was petrified of my own voice. My self esteem was so low. Eventually, I returned to Australia because I needed a hug from my Mum. While talking with my mum about what had happened - and relying what I was learning in therapy - we started to talk about how broken the system is. My therapist repeatedly told me I had to relearn how to "connect with people". It was the knew mantra replaying in my mind. It resonated with me because I had actually never lost the desire to connect with people, but I had become so afraid of leaving a safe environment - like my bed - that I wasn't connecting with anyone. The loneliness was palpable. When the Weinstein scandal broke, a lot of the girl-friends in LA and I re-connected and swapped stories. We realized we had all been going through the same thing, but we were too scared to talk about it. Being ignored by the people who *could* do something had squashed any desire to tell anyone else. In hindsight, we all wished we had told one another. This resonated with my mum. My mum decided we needed to find a way to give that gift of sisterhood to every girl who needed it. We decided - while drinking whiskey - that we would create an app. We knew nothing about apps. We had no idea what it would take to "create an app". But we weren't scared. We were just motivated by an idea. For the first time in years, my voice returned. I had a purpose again. For 18 months, we developed giggle. "Giggle" is actually the collective noun for a group of girls. When I discovered this, while searching for a name, I did a bit of an eye-roll. "UGH. Of course that's what they call us." Until I realized that it was an amazing opportunity to claim a word that has been hijacked to be belittling. The reality is that groups of girls do amazing things. The girls of 2020 are where we are being of the "giggles" before us. I decided to take the idea of "stupid, giggling girls" and prove it to be a completely incorrect stereotype. Because I know it is. We all know it is. Women can vote because of giggles. Mum and I spent months designing the app, with the help of my Dad who taught himself how to use Xd via YouTube videos. I would draw absolutely horrendous pictures of what I wanted the screens to look like (I am no artist) and he would turn them into something that other people could potentially take seriously. I learned how to create business plans, marketing plans, finance plans. We spent hundreds of hours researching, taking to people, discussing every possible avenue. Finally, we took the demo app of giggle to investors and.... for the first time in my adult life, something happened very easily: we got development funding & suddenly I had a company. It was 6 months from concept to funding. Then the real hard work began. Award-winning app developers, award winning designers, marketers & business partners came on board. It was my job to articulate my vision. But, suddenly, there were more men than women in the room. It was Mum and Me against a lot of men. They started telling us what girls were like. What girls wanted. We would have long meetings about the misogyny girls face on a day to day basis, but mum and I would not be allowed to speak. We would just look at each other, stunned at the irony. The yelling at us began quite quickly. We would be polite and tolerant. For months, any time we had an objection to the direction of our vision, we were told we were "closed minded". But we would be told "no" immediately if they didn't like what we said (keeping in mind, we're the majority share holders & directors. We are *supposed* to have the final word). I had already had one career destroyed by men abusing their power. There was no way I was going to let it happen again. So I started to fight back, loudly. I have done so every day for the past year. I have won every single battle to ensure that my vision is realized (while obviously collaborating and being a team player at the same time). I have put my foot down when it has desperately been needed. The fact that we have had to have these battles has been mind blowing - we don't want them, but the alternative is to not speak. It is not like we have told experts how to do their job. We want them around *because* they are experts. But it was very much expected that we would sit in the corner and shut up while the boys were in control. HA! I have been shushed in meetings by men. I have been told I shouldn't be CEO "in case" I can't answer a question with no proof or cause for concern. I have been told I need to be "managed". They don't sound like major things when you write them down like this, but fighting against them every day for a year does wear your down. Because it just shouldn't happen. Starting a new business is difficult. But before we get to the normal difficulties, we have to fight through the misogyny. By the time we are doing budgets, we are exhausted. Everyone who works for "Giggle" knew they were working on a girl-run company *for* girls. I have come to realize that they just didn't understand what that *means*. I have frequently said, "If you want to profit off empowering women, you better get used to having empowered women around." I have been told that this is an "ugly look". I'm tired of it. I'm tired of this being acceptable behavior. All I want to do is use my position of privilege (white, middle-class family) to do something to change the status-quo. Because this arrogant misogyny is not sustainable in society any longer. I want girls to be able to find a room to rent without sexual harassment (which happens ALL the time). To do freelance work without an abuse of power (which happens ALL the time). To connect with each other in a private way to express opinions, share experiences and get advice, without the fear of a rape threat or worse. Before anyone asks - yes, "giggle" is 10000000% LGBTQ friendly. I have worked with some absolutely amazing trans girls to ensure that they onboarding and platform is welcoming and that they feel comfortable. It has been one of the greatest joys in the whole giggle process - completely absent of hostility, arrogance & misogyny. Inclusive feminism is the only find of feminism I am interested in - all girls, of all cultures. Despite only recently having gone live on the App Store & Google Play - our launch & campaigns have not yet begun - we have a few thousands girls on "giggle" and I am having the most lovely conversations with girls from all around the world. My favorite at the moment is a conversation with a girl in India. Her instinctual responses are so different from mine, I'm constantly learning a new way to view the world, yet our experiences in the professional world are so similar. It's an utterly rewarding conversation. The reason I made the video & posted it everywhere yesterday is because a man has been questioning my ability to do my job, despite refusing to speak to me directly, and, after failing to having private conversations with him that would go anywhere, I felt like the only thing left was to talk to other girls and say "this is what it's like. This is the reality" and hear their stories. Because I have suffered in silence once before. I'm not going to any more and I don't think any of us should. Of course, I also want girls to know about giggle - if "Giggle" helps one girl realize her true self, feel safe & own her power, I will be happy for the rest of my life. Thank you for reading xx (PS - the company is what it is. I'm actually not requesting feedback on it at this moment in time, in this forum. You're all completely welcome to your opinions but I don't need them right now and, to be honest, I've probably already heard them. PPS - the collective noun for a group of boys is called a "plush" and, yes, I think it would be wonderful if men had a place on the Internet where they could connect with each other, be vulnerable and have safe & honest conversations, and help each other. I'm just not the face or the voice of such a company.)

gigglesall

[biofunmy]

When a Home Changes Your Outlook on Life

Living at the Prince George, a landmark building in the Flatiron area that provides affordable housing for people at risk of homelessness, has helped Buddy Jones find some peace.

A transgender man who has struggled with depression and faced a host of difficulties throughout his life, Mr. Jones once thought so little of himself that he didn’t believe he deserved the fresh start that moving into the building would provide.

When he first applied to live in the Prince George in 2010, he dropped out of the process early. “I made it to a couple of interviews, but I didn’t think I was worth anything,” said Mr. Jones, 58, explaining that at the time he saw no point in living, let alone trying to make a better life for himself.

When he reapplied in 2013, his therapist felt so strongly that he should leave his other apartment that she lent him the money to move in.

“I felt like I could breathe easy when I got the keys,” said Mr. Jones, who is now battling cancer. “I thought this was an awesome place. Therapy was finally worth it. It felt like a total clean slate.”

And living at the Prince George has helped dissipate some of the wariness he cultivated for decades.

$497 | Flatiron

Buddy Jones, 58

Occupation: Coordinator at the Board of Elections The Mets: Until last year, Mr. Jones also worked in concessions at Citi Field, an ideal match as he has been a Mets fan since he was 8. “We were working, but we could still see the plays on the screens and see them working out in the mornings,” he said. His new outlook on life: “It’s a definite change from the past. I’m still getting used to it,” said Mr. Jones, who realized that he is often happy now. “I surprise myself every day.” On feeling emboldened: Mr. Jones recently traveled to Montreal on his first solo trip. “A friend told me, ‘It’s a neutral town. They all support the gay and lesbian community.’” Now he is considering a day trip to Philadelphia to see an out-of-town Mets game.

Having suffered years of abuse at the hands of his father and others, Mr. Jones had attempted suicide multiple times, abused drugs and alcohol, self-harmed and struggled with periods of homelessness.

In 2010, he was coping with the death of his mother and living in his late father’s apartment on the Upper West Side, where he had been abused as a child. Returning to the apartment after therapy, Mr. Jones said he felt such despair that he saw no reason to continue treatment. “After a nice session, I’d go back and it was like being in a bottomless pit,” he said. “Therapy wasn’t doing me any good.”

The Prince George, a grand turn-of-the-century hotel that went through years of decline and neglect, now houses and helps people like Mr. Jones. In 1999, the nonprofit group Breaking Ground converted it into 416 units of affordable housing for low-income and formerly homeless adults, as well as those living with H.I.V./AIDS.

But nine years ago, he wasn’t ready to move in. “I felt I wasn’t worth a new chance. When you’re abused, you think there must be a reason,” he said.

Mr. Jones grew up in Greenpoint, Brooklyn, a neighborhood he still remembers fondly. He is a member of a Greenpoint Facebook group and enjoys reminiscing with others about the area in the 1960s and ’70s, sharing happy memories of making pocket money by washing cars with water collected from fire hydrants.

But throughout his adult life, Mr. Jones has struggled with physical and mental health issues, which made keeping a job — he once worked for a freight forwarding company — or an apartment difficult. He had major brain surgery in 1991 for arteriovenous malformation, after which he said he began having problems with anger, paranoia and depression; he has been hospitalized 16 times for mental health issues.

“I was angry at the world. I used to shave my head every morning. I had this black baseball cap that said, ‘Don’t bother me,’” Mr. Jones said. “One day a guy at the hospital said, ‘Hey, give me that hat! And he gave me a New York Mets cap instead. He said, ‘You don’t want people to stay away from you.’”

A lifelong Mets fan, Mr. Jones accepted the trade and with some surprise, realized that he didn’t want people to stay away. Things have been gradually improving since his primary care physician connected him with a new therapist and psychiatrist 14 years ago. They coordinated Mr. Jones’s care and held him accountable when he tried to skip appointments.

“They’re stubborn and tough, just like I’m stubborn. Before, I figured I could get away with everything,” he said.

By 2013, at his therapist’s urging, he reapplied for an apartment at the Prince George. “She said, ‘You’re worth it,’” said Mr. Jones, who moved into a studio that August with his cat, Miranda, a fluffy black-and-gray rescue from an upstate shelter.

“The building has helped me realize that there are people you aren’t best-of-best friends with, but they wish you well,” he said. “Living here has given me a sense of more safety.”

That sense of safety recently helped him come out as transgender, and he legally changed his name from Denise Egielski to Buddy Jones. Buddy came from the character Kristy McNichol played on the 1970s TV show “Family” — “she was like me, a tomboy” — and Jones from Shirley Jones, the singer and actress from “The Partridge Family,” which he also loved.

“It felt so right being here. Everything I did and thought started feeling right,” said Mr. Jones, who describes himself as gender neutral. “I may look like a woman, but I identify with my great-grandfather who was a master woodworker. I put together the DVD rack — that’s when I feel most like myself, doing masculine things.”

He keeps the apartment spare and spotless. Even the cat’s toys are lined up against one wall. As soon as he moved in, he put the table in the kitchen to differentiate it from the bedroom area, and in the last few years, and he has started cooking for himself. Barbecued steak with yams and salad is a favorite meal.

This past year has been a difficult one. Mr. Jones was diagnosed with lung cancer last June. But after chemotherapy, he said, his prognosis is promising, and the process has made him realize how far he has come.

“I used to tell my therapist I wanted to be dead by my next birthday. I don’t feel that way anymore,” he said. “It’s strange, because I’m going through cancer, but I feel happy. I feel better about myself.”

Sahred From Source link Real Estate

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[burstspain67-blog]

9 Things My Mother Taught Me About Living An Intentional, Sustainable Life<p><img class="aligncenter wp-image-31255" src="https://s14354.pcdn.co/wp-content/uploads/2019/05/annie-spratt-109237-unsplash-1024x732.jpg" alt="sustainable living" width="700" height="500" srcset="https://s14354.pcdn.co/wp-content/uploads/2019/05/annie-spratt-109237-unsplash-1024x732.jpg 1024w, https://s14354.pcdn.co/wp-content/uploads/2019/05/annie-spratt-109237-unsplash-300x214.jpg 300w, https://s14354.pcdn.co/wp-content/uploads/2019/05/annie-spratt-109237-unsplash-768x549.jpg 768w" sizes="(max-width: 700px) 100vw, 700px"/></p> <p><span>In the spirit of Mother’s Day, I’ve been thinking about all the things my mom has taught me over the years. The older I get, the more I understand why she did all the stuff I thought was weird when I was a kid. In other words, like many daughters, I find myself becoming more and more like my mother each year.</span></p> <p><span>And, of course, that’s far from a bad thing. My mom is an amazing, badass woman who snowboards in the winter, surfs in the summer, teaches kids to make gorgeous artwork for a living, and makes her own beautiful watercolors. She’s creative, health conscious, an incredible cook, and an all-around inspiration. Of course, our relationship isn’t perfect, and there are some unconscious lessons I’m still working on unlearning (aren’t we all). But in general, my mom has been a kickass role model who’s kept me down to earth and connected to my values. </span></p> <p><span>So I figured I’d take a little time to recognize what she’s taught me over the years — and what I’ve </span><i><span>finally </span></i><span>actually learned. </span></p> <h2><strong>1. Get outside for <a target="_blank" href="https://thefinancialdiet.com/how-to-put-together-a-self-care-routine-for-0/">free self-care</a> and entertainment</strong></h2> <p><span>Since I was a little kid, anytime I get overwhelmed, anxious, or just downright sad, my mom has suggested I go outside and take a walk. I remember feeling like this was so counterproductive at times — I was trying to learn a scale on my trumpet, how would doing anything besides practicing the instrument possibly help?! But it always did. After moving my body and getting some fresh air, I’d inevitably feel much more capable at whatever task I’d been struggling with. It was like hitting the reset button. This is still one of the most valuable (and free!) coping skills I use for dealing with stress. </span></p> <p><span>I grew up in a rural area, and we didn’t have a ton of money to spend on going out for entertainment. So my mom got creative. We’d go on hikes, catch frogs, ride our bikes, go fishing, climb trees, build forts, draw massive chalk pictures on the driveway, jump in puddles, dig in the mud, garden, sled…you get the idea. What was so cool about this, looking back, is how much it made me love and appreciate nature. Now, I know that there are plenty of ways I can have fun that cost no money at all.</span></p> <h2><strong>2. Buy used if you can</strong></h2> <p><span>To this day, going into a <a target="_blank" href="https://thefinancialdiet.com/the-6-best-worst-ways-ive-acquired-inexpensive-secondhand-clothes-ranked/">thrift store</a> is a great source of comfort for me. We spent so much time shopping at used shops and tag sales when I was a kid that they really feel like home. And honestly, since my dad passed away a few years ago, whenever I’m missing him, walking into a thrift store usually soothes me. </span><span>But when I was young, I didn’t realize just how amazing it was. Part of me even got nervous that someone at school would see me wearing their donated clothes. Thankfully, I now fully appreciate all the benefits of buying things used. Not only is it way less stressful to shop at a thrift store, because everything’s so much more affordable, but it also helps the environment by preserving the energy and resources that would be used to produce new clothes. </span></p> <h2><strong>3. Bring snacks and a water bottle when you go out</strong></h2> <p><span>This is a classic mom trick that I’m finally learning the value of. I remember seeing my mom bring nuts and fruit whenever we left the house and thinking, <em>Why? We can just buy something somewhere</em>. Little did I know, this was a super cost-effective trick I’d later adopt as my own. Having a protein-heavy snack on hand ensures you won’t lose energy when you’re out, or spend unnecessary amounts on overpriced food. And when you carry your personal water bottle, you don’t have to rely on buying disposable plastic ones to stay hydrated, which reduces your carbon footprint. </span></p> <h2><strong>4. Walk as much as possible</strong></h2> <p><span>My mom avoids driving short distances. If we’re at a strip mall, and another store is in sight — even at another plaza down a pretty busy street — chances are, she’ll be walking there. Sure, this doesn’t save tons of gas money (though I’m sure it doesn’t hurt in the course of a lifetime), but it is nice for the environment, and for your own health, too. </span></p> <h2><strong>5. Garden and compost</strong></h2> <p><span>My mom taught me how to garden when I was a kid. I mostly remember digging in the dirt, but even though the details didn’t stick in my memory, I learned the most important lesson of all: growing your own food isn’t an impossible challenge. I finally had space to start my own garden last year, and I realized firsthand that the process is pretty straightforward. Granted, not everything I planted produced, and my garden definitely didn’t </span><span>look </span><span>like something you’d see on social media, but I still grew a zucchini so big it kind of scared me, as well as plenty of green beans and tomatoes. </span></p> <p><span>And any of the food scraps you accrue year round, you can compost for your garden. This prevents landfill waste, and helps your garden thrive!</span></p> <h2><strong>6. It’s okay to look natural</strong></h2> <p><span>I love wearing makeup, getting my hair done, and dressing up. It helps me feel confident, and it’s also just fun. However, I appreciate growing up around my mom’s very laid-back beauty routine. When it comes to appearance, my mom mostly values looking fit by staying active, and making sure your clothes fit in a way that is flattering. She always cut my own hair growing up, and she pretty much never wears makeup. </span></p> <p><span>My approach is definitely different — I wear makeup much more often and get my hair done a few times a year. But I’m appreciative for the fact that she taught me I don’t always <em>need</em> to spend a lot of time on my appearance before I go out, or wear makeup to be beautiful. It’s definitely saved me money over the years and also kept my product consumption lower than it otherwise might have been. </span></p> <h2><strong>7. Cooking from scratch is best</strong></h2> <p><span>We couldn’t afford to go out to eat much when I was a kid, which meant we ate a lot of home-cooked food. My mom’s meals included a decent amount of meat, but she always made sure we also consumed a lot of veggies. I started cooking with her when I was young, which gave me the confidence to cook my own meals as an adult. I love the creativity of cooking after a long day at my not-so-creative job, and I also love knowing I’m eating something affordable. </span></p> <h2><strong>8. Reuse containers</strong></h2> <p><span>Washing out a yogurt container and storing your leftover chili in it for work the next day definitely doesn’t make for a Pinterest-worthy lunch. It’s even sounds kind of gross. But is it really? It’s actually a sustainable habit that may not look pretty, but is completely cost effective and practical. </span></p> <h2><strong>9. Be resourceful</strong></h2> <p><span>I love home-improvement shows, and sometimes my mom can be a buzzkill when she sits down with me to watch one. “Why are they ripping out perfectly good cabinets?” she asks. I’m all for making your home your own, and somewhere you love to live, but she has a point. And it’s a point that I often need to remember, in a world where we’re constantly taught to seek improvement with upgrades – whether those are upgrades for our appearances, our wardrobes, or our homes. </span></p> <p><span>In her art room, she uses as many recycled materials as possible. She encourages kids to be resourceful because she believes it’s a fundamental life skill. And as I get older, I realize how right she is, and how lucky I am to have had her as both a mom and a teacher. I’m forever grateful for the ways she’s taught me and her students to the world around us, and ourselves.</span></p> <p><em><strong>Marissa is a New York City-based writer who loves feminism, doughnuts, and anything free. Her parents taught her the art of thrifting before she could even walk, and one of her earliest memories is of learning to ride a used bike inside of a consignment store while her mom shopped. Her mom bought her the bike. Read more of her writing <a href="http://marissadubecky.com/" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">here</a>. </strong></em></p> <p><em>Image via <a target="_blank" href="https://unsplash.com/photos/7qotv-1XF2A">Unsplash</a></em></p> <p class="p1"><span class="s1"><b>Like this story? Follow The Financial Diet on </b><a target="_blank" href="https://www.facebook.com/thefinancialdiet/"><span class="s2"><b>Facebook</b></span></a><b>, </b><a target="_blank" href="https://www.instagram.com/thefinancialdiet/"><span class="s2"><b>Instagram</b></span></a><b>, and </b><a target="_blank" href="https://twitter.com/tfdiet"><span class="s2"><b>Twitter</b></span></a><b> for daily tips and inspiration, and sign up for our email newsletter </b><a target="_blank" href="https://thefinancialdiet.us12.list-manage.com/subscribe?u=482c49610f82eee59e57a8db7&id=45a47bd795"><span class="s2"><b>here</b></span></a><b>.</b></span></p> <p class="p3"><span class="s1"><a target="_blank" href="http://thefinancialdiet.com/submissions/"><img class="aligncenter wp-image-18627" src="https://s14354.pcdn.co/wp-content/uploads/2016/07/In-Post-Social-Banners_submissions-04-1-1024x154.png" alt="In-Post Social Banners-04" width="700" height="105"/></a></span></p> <span class="et_social_bottom_trigger"/><br/><br/><img src="http://www.healthhomeandhappiness.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/11/GAPS-Food.jpg"/><br/>Source: https://thefinancialdiet.com/9-things-my-mother-taught-me-about-living-an-intentional-sustainable-life/<br/>

[martindarvall-blog]

What Transforms Male Off In Connection As well as Relationship.

I have actually related to uncover with individual adventure that contentment is a moment-by-moment celebration. See to it That He Isn't really Simply Hearing Your Slam Him: As a person who has goned on the opposite of this particular discussion, I can easily inform you that when you hear these words, this can believe that a strike and that can experience as if you must defend on your own. When you value exactly how your partner experiences, he is goinged to become much more contented in the relationship, which consequently will make him happy. This is actually typical and also many perform this, however you must be actually great and also amusing to create this truly settle. During the course of our separation I did not desire to be actually the one creeping back to him, so I decided to participate in hard to obtain, and create him recognize that he was the one missing outing listed below, certainly not me. To renew your electricity, you should make opportunity to replenish your spirit via whatever acts or even practices that produce your heart sing! It's really straightforward: Get a strip or even a note pad recorder and take note of any kind of pleased instants you see in the course of your time. Go through them, deal with how they create you believe as well as just how like others you can transform your life around. Jack Canfield as soon as claimed that he simply performs points that make him satisfied, as well as he's a rather happy fella! The simplest way to lead you in track collection is actually to permit you to understand exactly what looks at my mind when I pertain to choose songs for worship leading. The secret listed here is to end up being knowledgeable about that space and then pick the response that is going to make certain you are actually in command of your actions and also feelings. Since of my setting and not be actually reliant after my instances, I could be actually delighted. Inquire your children, Exactly what can I carry out to create you experience liked?" You'll be amazed to hear exactly what little ones desire. Remaining in touch along with friends and family is one of the top five remorses of the perishing 7. If you yearn for a lot more proof that this's favorable for you, I've found some study that shows this can easily make you better at this moment. As you may observe, comical friendship quotes are a wonderful method to consider what makes our friendships so special and also our buddies so dear. Take this a measure even further as well as definitely take into consideration goals you had when you were younger or even currently have concerning what are going to create you absolutely satisfied. She 'd performed regarding wanting to be actually observed usually good enough, and this specific song was actually by among their beloved composers. Various other men that I have actually questioned emphasize to highlight that purchasing sexual activity through calling upon a companion is actually optimal due to the fact that there is no mental accessory with the various other person". The programme content from What Makes Me Pleased is actually youngster centred and also developed to delight along with teach. So our company might boost our annual income by thousands of thousands of dollars and also still certainly not be actually as happy as if we increased the strength of our social partnerships. Thus, decide to become a delighted person and also follow the self motivation recommendations listed here under. If you cherished this short article and you would like to receive extra details regarding yellow pages uk twitter (visit the up coming internet site) kindly go to our web-page. Break up quotes are there to come and approve to phrases with your separation, support develop as well as cope with your feelings, help point you in the appropriate path on where to go from here and also that can help you start thinking as well as keeping good. Find, those could be comical however carrying out those things produce me satisfied ... so opt for't lose time on adverse notions. Andrew was consistently so delighted that it thought specifically disconcerting when he entered some of his sulky moods. As well as if you intend to make your man delighted in the actual sense, then you will definitely need to make sure adjustments in you. Care must be actually taken, having said that, when trying to fight an affliction, as unskilled wheels may in fact compound this as well as make it even worse. Folks throw colours on one another and want Pleased Holi." Individuals also produce exclusive meals at their house and also consume with their pals. Every thing that our company are for ... passion, count on, love, concern, contentment, encourages our company, as well as everything that our team are against ... hate, anger, question, fear, damages us. Currently pick: HAPPY or UNHAPPY. Over my life, 53, I complied with folks who were quite wealthy, but they were actually no therefore happy as my Colleagues, Developers, Workers and Service Partners, who made their success and contentment gradually as well as developing steadily. You can utilize customized stationery as invites to a gathering such as this, or even to a garage sale or celebration. As a matter of fact, these projects often create people unpleasant (unless your center remains in just what you do). Just what makes me delighted might or even may certainly not substantially contribute to your joy And also talking genetic makeups, there is actually a really good opportunity that since our minds are actually wired in a different way and make various degrees from chemicals that determine our thought processes, a number of our team are visiting have a more difficult time creating a happy connection". Goodie sushi makes terrific self-made gifts for grandparents, instructors as well as even more, as well as will certainly create those you appreciate feel exclusive. You view, our team assume that something or even an individual can produce us happy, but that is wrong. We devote our youth dreaming of aging so our team can possibly do things that we think make adults pleased, then when we are much older our company dream of our youth as well as just how our team squandered that by not appreciating our wellness and liberty off duties. Be affectionate and charitable; just do not slobber throughout him in your attempt to create him happy. Thats the complication people grew having relatively easy lifestyles in a very first globe nation have no hint what real hardships are actually. and then whine they typically aren't happy its own funny and sad that thats what this globe has related to. A project management certification are going to allow employers recognize that you are serious about your discipline and also you have actually accomplished the training necessary to make you a competent and valuable professional. If you determine very seriously and after that respond as well as do not lose hope, you will certainly be able to end up being a productive stay at property mom that certainly not simply takes pleasure in being actually with her family members and youngsters - as well as obviously her little ones enjoy her visibility at home - however can easily clear up amount from money. I was surprised - no longer perform I think that getting that nice ladies handbag or even set from shoes (that I certainly never put on, because in the shop I believe 'obviously I can walk in these heels' as well as acquire the home of discover I can't stroll and also they hurt!!) will certainly create me happy. The countless sacrifices that a dad makes to ensure his family enjoys makes you question what our company would certainly give up him. Consume chocolate with out shame, be nise to lower paid out persons and also create all of them believe featured, Inform cops what you realy presume!

[nonconformistparent-blog1]

How to Avoid Being Crushed by Plastic This Christmas

I adore Christmas and yet every year there is a little seed of dread that grows inside me as the day gets closer.  The plastic avalanche approaches.  The day where my house gets invaded by new toys.  I hate the endless amount of containers and space I have to find to squirrel away things that I know I will just end up vacuuming.  Oh who am I kidding?  I never vacuum.

Our families are scattered far and wide and also seem to be ever-expanding.  More cousins, more nephews and nieces, more things to buy and more dinosaurs to stand on, more presents posted or flown in hand luggage or bought in a last second rush.  So how do you do it?  How do you encourage your family to adopt a more restrained present giving tradition without sounding like a complete Grinch?  

Navigating the process of redefining what gift-giving looks like for your extended family can be a delicate shuffle BUT taking measures early on in the year is a far better option than having beer fuelled discussions regarding the appropriateness of toy guns while presents are being unwrapped.  If you feel you have left your run too late for this year, take close notice of how everything works this Christmas.  Let everyone know you are thinking of other ways it could be managed.  The further out from Christmas, the easier the negotiations.  Our family usually has our “Pre-Christmas Planning Meeting, Meeting” somewhere around mid-year with a follow up “Christmas Planning Meeting” in October.  We like to hang out and eat food and sometimes we even remember to talk about Christmas. Rachel’s family (I suspect under the demands of Rachel the super-organiser) has things squared away by February (yes, that is TEN MONTHS before Christmas).

Mostly we talk about whose house is the best venue in terms of space to eat, air conditioning and swimming facilities.  Once that's decided, we move on to food.  We like to have the same discussion about having cold meat and salad instead of roast veggies with hot turkey, ham, pork and crackle every year.  Every year someone complains about the very THOUGHT of no roast potatoes being un-Christmas (usually me) so we decide to do a combination.  The same people generally bring the same things every year but we persist in having this conversation.  Then we talk about presents.  

If you feel you might cause waves by having “the talk”  there are a few things you can do to make your life a little easier.  Ring around and let people know you want to talk about Christmas. Catch up at someone’s house or a local park or, if you need it in writing, do it via email.  If you’re finding it a stretch to finance presents for 23 nieces and nephews, 7 couples, five grandparents and the one weird aunt that owns too many cats, now's your chance to say so.  Chances are other people feel the same.  Throw some suggestions out there and be open to what comes up.  Don’t go in tied to a strategy - the goal is to find something that works for everyone.  Worst case scenario you keep doing what you’ve always done.  

If your family is particularly “complicated” give that uncle or aunt a call.  You know the one - the peacemaker.  Talk with them and ask them to help you organise it. Christmas is about connection.  Keep focused.  Remember, if you do it early in the year, most of the dust will have settled by the time the red-faced, tummy like a bowl-full-of-jelly, bearded aunt rolls back into town.

Ideas for Extended Family Gift Giving

Here are a few ideas to get you started:  

Worst present competition (usually with a low dollar limit).  In our family we have a "12 month must display"  rule.  I've spent a year with a giant gold plastic waving cat on my dashboard.

Talk with close family friends about buying birthday presents for each person in the family rather than Christmas presents and agree to share a Christmas meal together instead.  Let your friends know you're not buying them anything, that's a sure way to stop them buying anything for you.

Just buy presents for children, not adults. Adults who think they are children can cope.  Nothing's stopping them going wild for their own personal Christmas.

Each family buys gifts for their own kids that can be delivered on behalf of everyone.  This way if one family has 17 kids and another has only 1, the smaller family are not badly out of pocket.  You can also make sure that the presents fit within your family's guidelines (ie no guns or toys that sing endless songs and can't be turned off). If you have families who don't have kids who still want to give presents to the children, let them.

Family Secret Santa.  This takes a wonderful someone to administer it.  Sometimes it's only for the kids, sometimes only the adults (while the kids get gifts from everyone) and sometimes everyone throws their hat into the ring.  The best way for it to work is first to agree on a budget.  Ask each person to write a short list of 3-5 things they might like to be given (If you're only getting one present, you want it to be something you actually want).  Put all the names into a hat and hand over the list when their name is drawn.  

Make only.  We have done several years of making presents only.  It is pretty fun and you get some crazy stuff.  Best for the pentathletes though because it definitely takes longer than dropping some cash on a lego set.

Choose a GIANT present like a trampoline, an expensive digital device, gaming station or a sand pit and ask everyone to contribute towards it.  One year my eldest boy got a leather reading armchair, while my younger boy got his very own backyard shed which was made by many helpers (dads, granddads, neighbours, friends).

The true value of gift giving is in learning gratitude both for what you receive and what you can give.  Reducing the amount of presents given allows you and your children to think more carefully about each person you are giving to.  Finding a way to reduce the stress and cost of Christmas helps you and your family focus on what's truly important at Christmas, connecting with others and making memories your family will cherish.